#had to open my Christmas present my mum early for 2 reasons

[jellybeans223]

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[theydontknowaboutusimagines]

This Christmas - A Harry Styles Christmas Series (Part 6)

Two life long friends. Secretly in love. Home for the holidays. Will they risk everything by telling the other how they feel? Or will they spend another year loving from afar? 

Read these first    Prologue  Part 1    Part 2   Part 3    Part 4   Part 5

**

By the time you were back at your Mum’s house after a day of shopping, you were exhausted. Apparently your mother waited to do all her Christmas shopping in one day and have you hold it all. Your arms were so full of bags and boxes for all your mother’s book club friends, you had zero room to look and purchase any of the presents you had planned on buying on your little outing.

“Is there a reason you bought literally every bottle of wine today?” You groaned, placing yet another bag on the counter.

“We’re doing a wine exchange this year,” she said.

“How many bottles of wine are you exchanging with one person?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Why do you ask so many questions?” She scoffed.

“I’m a writer. It’s what I do,” you smirked. “Also, this book club of yours how much time is spent on discussing the actual book vs the amount of time spent drinking wine.”

“Eh… 60/40,” she said, moving her hand back and forth.

“More like 40/60,” you laughed, just as the doorbell rang.

“Oh! They’re here,” she said. “Y/N get the door.”

“Who is here?” You said, heading towards the door.

As soon as you opened it up, you saw Anne and Harry standing on the front porch.

“Oh, uh, hey,” you smiled. “What are you two doing here?”

“I’m here for the book club,” Anne smirked. “Harry’s here to be the designated driver.”

“Yay me,” Harry waved his hands in the air.

“That’s tonight?” you asked.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Your mother shouted from the kitchen. “Stop being rude and let them in already!”

“Right, sorry,” you winced, moving out the way.

Anne walked right past you, while you and Harry stood there in the foyer.

“So… um, I should probably help my Mum set up,” you said. “But after we could head up to my room and talk…”

“Sounds good,” he smiled. “And I can help, set up too.”

“Good because you don’t have a choice,” you smirked, pulling him into the kitchen.

**

About an hour later, the book club was well underway and you and Harry were still making sandwiches and putting cheese and crackers onto a plate.

“Why do I feel like we’re only being used as free labor?” Harry joked.

“Because we are,” you laughed. “I think it has something to do with the whole they were in labor with us, so now we must labor for them.”

“I guess it’s the least we could do, right?” He laughed.

You giggled picking up the plates and taking them out. No one was paying any attention to you and Harry, so you decided to sneak up to your old bedroom and finally have the conversation you were dreading to have. When you got up there, Harry walked around a bit, remembering the last time he was there.

“I see you still have the Jonas Brothers poster,” he raised an eyebrow.

“That’s never coming down,” you scoffed. “You should know that. In fact, I would take it with me to my flat in London, but I have a new one I got last year on their tour.”

“I don’t know if I should be jealous or offended by that,” he laughed.

“Why would you be either of those?” you laughed.

“Because I don’t see any One Direction posters here and unless you have a poster of me at your flat…” he said.

“Yeah, sorry, I don’t,” you smirked. “You’re just not as cute.”

“Ouch!” He said, putting his hand over his heart. “I am now officially both emotions. You do realize they’re all married, right? Two of which have children, so unless you plan on being a homewrecker…”

“Well, I mean… if the opportunity arises…,” you joked.

“Wow,” he gasped. “I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. A big ass poster of me to cover your entire wall. One for here, one for your flat, and one to take with you when you travel.”

“Okay, that’s a little much,” you giggled.

“No, I don’t think so,” he laughed.

You shook your head with a laugh as you sat down on your bed, “So, what did you do today before you got dragged here?”

“Oh, nothing much, just spent some time with Mum,” he shrugged. “After she caught me sneaking back into the house this morning.”

“Smooth,” you laughed.

“What? I told you she got up early, but you wouldn’t let me get out before the sun was up,” he defended.

“Actually, you were the one to refuse to get out of bed,” you said.

“I was cold,” he shrugged. “And I didn’t feel like making the trek back to the house.”

“It’s like an extra twenty steps away,” you said.

“Anyway,” he said sitting down in your desk chair and spinning around a few days. “We have a conversation to discuss.”

“That we do,” you nodded. “Who should go first?”

“Weeellllll, since I’m the one who kinda just blurted out ‘I Love You’... why don’t you take this one next?” He suggested. “I mean it’s only fair.”

“I guess,” you sighed, dramatically laying down on the bed. “Before we discuss the next step… I need to get something off my chest. I don’t want you to take any of this the wrong way or anything…”

“Y/N, you’re rambling,” he said. “But I’ll try my best not to get upset or whatever.”

You sighed again, kicking your feet up to push yourself back up to sit on your bed.

“When you told me you loved me last night… I’ve wanted to hear those words for so long. Honestly, I think I probably would have wanted to hear those words back when we were like fourteen or something. And now that you’ve finally said them, It was like the best moment ever,” you smiled.

“Why do I sense a but coming?” He sighed.

“Because there is,” you sighed. “Even though I’ve been waiting to hear those three words and finally got them, I can’t just jump into a relationship with you because….”

“Because why?” He asked.

“We’re not the same people we were the last time we spoke, Harry,” you sighed. “We’ve gone years without even speaking a word to one another. What if we’re not the same people we fell in love with…”

“So, then you don’t love me?” He asked, confusion and hurt evident on his face.

“No, I’m not saying that,” you answered quickly. “I just… I think we need to go about this slowly because I’d rather take our time, get to know each other again, than to just jump right in and find out we’re not… you know.”

Harry hesitated for a minute before nodding, “I agree. I want to get to know you again. I want us to be closer again… and I want us to be together, but I’ll go as slow as we need to.”

You nodded, “There’s also… another thing we need to discuss.”

“Okay?” He asked.

“The whole long distance thing,” you whispered. “I know you live in London now, but eventually you’re going to go away for work or I’m going to go away for work. How do we know things won’t end like last time?”

“Because I won’t let that happen,” he said, taking your hand. “I fucked up. I know that, but I’d never do that again. I can’t… I won’t lose you again.”

“You really hurt me,” you whispered. “And it wasn’t just because you didn’t call or text, but because you were willingly spending and making time for all these other people… yet I never got that. Why? Why wasn’t I good enough back then? How do I know I’ll be good enough for you now?”

“I told you,” he said. “It was never because of you. It was me… me thinking I had to live a certain way.”

“Don’t you get it,” you said. “By you saying that, it obviously means that I didn’t fit into that way of life, Harry. I get it. I’m not some super famous and rich celebrity… I mean yeah, I’m not hurting for money, but I’m not a fucking millionaire either. I don’t own a house or have a super fancy car. I own a few designer things, but most of my clothes come from thrift shops or random shops in the city. I don’t look like someone who belongs on the cover of a magazine or in a movie or whatever. I’m just… me.”

“And that’s why I fucking love you, Y/N,” he whispered, looking into your eyes. “Do you honestly think I care about what material things you have or don’t have? Do you really think I’m that fucking shallow? I love you because you’re Y/N. My Y/N. I know we’ve changed, but everything I’ve always loved about you is still there because it’s what makes you , you.”

“I just don’t want to be the reason we don’t work out,” you whispered. “Because I’m not-”

“Hey,” he whispered. “If anyone should be worried, it’s me. I fucked our friendship, remember? I’m the one who will be leaving on tour, while you have a life here. You could easily forget about me.”

“I’ve never forgotten about you,” you told him.

“We can make this work,” he said, putting his hands on your cheeks. “We just have to let it.”

**

It was the next morning and you were typing away at your computer. You were making great progress and if everything went as planned, you would be finished with the manuscript by Christmas. You were finishing up your cup of coffee, when there was a tapping on the door.

“It’s open,” you said.

As soon as you got the words out, the door opened and Harry walked inside.

“Morning,” he smiled walking over and jumping on your bed.

You laughed, “Morning. What brings you by this early in the morning?”

“Nothing, just thought I’d see how you’re doing. Check in on your writing,” he said, looking around.

“Riiight,” you said. “I’d love to believe that, but you’re a terrible liar.”

He rolled his eyes, “I’m not lying.”

“Sure,” you said. “Whatever you say. I have about another half hour or so of writing before I’m finished with this chapter.”

“Okay, then I’ll just chill out here until you’re done,” he said.

“You’re up to something,” you said.

“Am not,” he said.

“Fine, deny it all you want, but I’ll figure it out,” you said, turning around to face your computer.

You looked back over your notes before getting back into the writing zone. After about five minutes, you felt someone staring at you. You glanced back behind you and sure enough Harry was staring at you.

“Can I help you?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, what? No, I’m good,” he said.

“Then why are you staring at me?” You laughed.

“Because you look really hot when you’re writing,” he smirked.

“You’re here to makeout, aren’t you?” you said.

“Well, since you offered,” he smirked, pulling you over to the bed and on top of him.

“I have a chapter to finish,” you laughed.

“So, you can finish it after a little break,” he said.

“I like the way you think,” you giggled, pressing your lips against his.

The previous night you two had really talked over what you were feeling and what you wanted. Both of you wanted to be together, that much was obvious, but you two knew things wouldn’t be that simple. But despite all your worries and your fears, you were willing to try and you couldn’t think of a better time to do it than back at home where it all started during Christmas time.

And you couldn’t wait to see what happened next.

**

So sorry about the super late post, but I got busy and lost track of time! 

Look out for Part 7 tomorrow! 

[sanoiro]

Lucifer 5x09 - Family Dinner -Spoilers & Speculation

Written by Joe Henderson

Directed by Nathan Hope

Nathan Hope has directed

1x02 - Lucifer, Stay. Good Devil 1x13 - Take Me Back to Hell 2x01 - Everything's Coming Up Lucifer 2x07 - Trip to Stabby Town  2x10 - Quid Pro Ho 3x05 - Welcome Back, Charlotte Richards 3x19 - Orange Is the New Maze 5x07 - Our Mojo He will also direct Episode 2 or 3 of S6

Behind The Scenes Video 

Ignore the fact that I accidentally watermarked it with the number 519... 

The Case & Deckerstar

Now we can start with the case of the week.

The murder happens at Golf n Stuff which is rather popular due to the scenes that were shot there for The Karate Kid. Rafferty was actually giddy over that.

So we have a murder. After over 70 episodes we know that the case of the week is somehow connected to the main plot and that it leads to a resolving of Lucifer’s issues or at least a small or big breakthrough.

The victim in this case was burned to death or at least he was… charred. A bit like how Mum ‘enlightened’ Jared in 2x17 but worse.

(In order to make sure most bts are included I have put them in the same file in their original resolution and you need to open the image and zoom. You can do it from your PC, MAC or mobile)

The mini golf has several fun statues like knights and pirates but what was not supposed to be there was the figure at the hole where nearby the victim was found. To be more You might have guessed it has many teeth by the photo and the answer is, it’s a reddish dragon head.

Back in December I came across the props building it and I thought it was cool but I wasn’t aware it was for Lucifer as the account is not affiliated with our crew or production. So imagine my surprise when a friend told me about what she had seen on the lot and going through the archived bts I found the victim photo as well.

You may have noticed it but in two particular episodes more dragons made their appearance. First it was at the second showrunner’s office in 503. There we see a dragon impelled by a sword, it seemed really out of place but I then correlated it with Baphament’s blade which is a representation of Azrael’s blade.

Later on I saw something else. In 508 Pete’s apartment had shelves dedicated to dragon figures as well as some knights. All along I was wondering can I even meta about that? What can it symbolise if it means anything at all? For some reason all I could think was the movie ‘Dragonheart’.

But let’s assume they have laid some hints, so far we have seen that they go very basic on bible and comic material so it’s funny how dragon-like Lucifer was presented in Series 3 of the black label of DC/ vertigo. But there are also more tidbits.

Now in 1x12 you all remember the Angel who was defeating a very Lucifer-looking Satan?

That was a prop. But it is derived by the work of Guido Reni ‘Michael and Satan’ (1636) Who was in turn influenced by Raphael’s painting ‘St. Michael Vanquishing Satan’ (1518) and if we go to Raphael’s early works... St. Michael (1504-1505)

Anyways!

The investigation of this ‘week’s’ case has its usual suspect chase which leads us to an arcade where we can spot some members of the crew doing rounds with the go-carts on that location. What I do know is that we are looking for someone young as far as guest posts go but other than that not much is known. The case seems to be progressing slowly but at some point the murderer appears to want to skip town so the leads bring us to L.A.’s train Union Station.

We also have scenes at the precinct during the case as we have seen from Aimee’s bts but not much is known there. 

Now the suspect might be played by the elusive guest of this episode John Clover whose appearance was posted on Reddit and had sparked the first speculations over the title of the episode.

We should now wonder whether the theme of this episode’s case which takes us to gaming areas has anything to do with how Lucifer views his Father’s appearance in the mid-season finale and whether it will provide him with a resolution to not act in a rush way. The same after all happened with Mum.

Do not forget that Lucifer in Season 2 and especially at the beginning with Mum and when he thought Earl Johnson was his Father, Lucifer’s plans changed as his vengeance turned to a slow paced questioning over why their relationship deteriorated. 

For an Angel who was ‘forced’ - not yet clarified so let’s not take that for granted- to punish the guilty Lucifer seems to be more merciful, understanding and open to explanations in the long run especially with the people who wronged him. Amenadiel, Michael, Uriel, Azrael, Mum, and Earl ‘God’ Johnson.

As Amenadiel said in the Pilot Lucifer away from Hell showed restrain and mercy… Perhaps it is true that we cannot escape from what we truly are. In any case that’s meta talk!

Back to the Union Station. 

In the train station we have a bts where we can see Chloe and Lucifer chasing the suspect and from the photos and videos outside of it we can safely say they are successful on apprehending the murderer.

Now a funny incident was that during the shooting the area was closed to the actual travelers but somehow a Japanese tourist ended up sitting where the background actors were. No idea if it was her Pizza or it was given by the craft service but the girl was obviously bewildered on what was happening. It’s the little absurdities of life I guess…

It seems though as a lighthearted episode at first...

Do not be mistaken, the writers, cast and showrunners have revealed that in S5P2 we enter the emotional and equally dark (In P1 I missed the darkness aside from Pete of course) part of this season. It means that by the end of 5x09 as we roll on the last minutes of this episode, Lucifer is heavily conflicted and a resolution is needed, one that seems to be somewhat provided.

Since P1 I thought it would be weird to have Deckerstar break up for effect, in order to break us, especially since S5 was supposed to be the last season and S6 is effectively from what they imply (again cast and showrunners) an epilogue. So do not expect Deckerstar to break up but on the contrary as we saw Lucifer and Chloe in 507 they pull each other back up. 

It is why I’m wondering what will be unraveled after the arrest of 5x09’s murderer.

The end of the episode takes us at night to L.A.’s Grand Park. The Grand Park is across the City Hall by the way, and for the Christmas season it was decorated with a Christmas tree made out of light bulbs.

In the bts the prominent colour of that tree is deep lilac. That’s where our next Deckerstar moment will unravel. We should also be ready for the Lucifer Universe to acknowledge yet another holiday of the human world, Christmas!

A tiny break here but you should remember that on each side of the elevator we have two bronze plates depicting the transfer of Christ after he was taken down dead from the Cross. So in the most discrete of ways Lucifer’s Universe has acknowledged Christ and perhaps it was because before the Sumerian text set Amenadiel as the favourite son, in Season 1 and for the majority of S2 we knew Lucifer as the favourite one.

On the cross Christ (no I didn’t write Lucifer at first :P) according to the scripts in a moment of lapsed faith “Father, Father why do you abandon me?”. In a way we might meta that for 516 but also for what Lucifer has experienced so far and has so eloquently expressed in 3x11 and in 1x09.  

But back to the Deckerstar moment…

It takes place on the ‘balcony’ above the fountain as the purple Christmas tree is behind them. The setting happens at night and provides the place for our characters to talk, to open up and perhaps even express certain fears but also be urged to take advantage of the current circumstances.

From my perspective is the scene of a couple that talks a difficult matter but at the end of that talk they know each has the other’s back so they can step forward, take that chance and their partner will always be there to catch them if they fall. It is also how we will experience Lucifer finally opening up without Linda probing him. But whatever comes forward also gives space to truths and a realisation which will break our Devil as we have seen from the bts of the next episodes.

We might even have an understanding why ‘I love you’s’ are difficult for Lucifer and for Chloe to also realise that. We might even get Lucifer to say it. Here is to hoping…

On a final note. Maze in this episode seems to have gone MIA but many times we do not see the bts of every scene so all we have is Lesley-Ann’s bts from her trailer during that time. Also do not forget how things ended in 508. Maze did betray Lucifer and with God on Earth... 

The Dinner

This episode is expected to open back to the precinct. The reason is because it is a mid-season finale which means that the in between scenes are not implied but also because of some spoilers we had back in December.

As you remember the actress who played officer Cacuzza had posted on Twitter that she and Lauren were in a ‘very small’ room which had just been painted. That room we can safely say is the ‘evidence room’ and that Cacuzza managed finally to find a way to close the surveillance in order to take a nap.

Now do remember that back in S4 Cacuzza was also the officer who let Lucifer ‘sample’ the drug busts… I’m not sure if that will come back somehow but we do know that Cacuzza will appear later this season, whether alive or not is yet to be seen.

What we do know is from the clues that were given by the actress.

1) She will be in the same room as Chloe meaning we will revisit the evidence room once Dad arrives and perhaps it will be a comic moment? Perhaps a random human will figure things out? But what was interesting is that according to the bts photo we see the actress and Lauren in their own clothes while Dennis is in his ‘Dad/God’ clothes.

2) Both Chloe and Officer Cacuzza were supposed to act distressed and shaken. If we take the ‘I love you’ element from that scene for Chloe let’s remember that the evidence is suddenly a bit of a mess. A glass has broken, the sound and effect will be heard once the time has started running again and they are two cops in a room with no idea of what is happening outside. So perhaps the shaken and distressed effect comes before they open the door (or walk out) and are sure there is no imminent threat.

3) In my opinion in this episode Cacuzza has some lines no matter how brief they might be.

Now the question here is how to proceed.

We obviously have a Family Dinner from which only two bts exist. 

If we assume that the Family Dinner is arranged after the brothers have hid their wings and then Dad has met Linda then the dinner is set up by a very flabbergasted Linda.

I do expect Linda to bow by the way and for this dinner to bring some elements from 1x10 Pops. For this speculation I’ll include the video of the scene from that episode and I’ll try to tie them up with 5x09.

All the episodes in P2 are meant to do a full circle and the writers have based most of their storytelling on the events of S1 and S2.

So first the spoilers of what we know from 5x09 and then the ties we may find with 1x10 and some more past episodes.  

The 11 minutes are quite long but is it really all things concerning? 

Henderson tweeted that there will be 5 actors but as we know know Ellis plays two characters which is why the dinner scene may have taken three days to shoot so we should count six people at the Dinner Table.

The location will be (most probably) at Linda’s house as we have seen from a bts that her main table is full of different varieties of fruits and food in an attempt to recreate an Olympian affluent meal. For Linda is only normal to be out of her element and try to impress God. So far she has been almost killed by his ex, has a child that can be snatched away to the Silver City if she is not deemed worthy perhaps or even because of Charlie’s half genetic code.

Remember there was a stand in actor for Michael 

The problem Linda also faces is that she has supported Lucifer. Yes, he is her friend but how will God react to that? Having a human siding with His rebellious son? Linda as it has been written knows how far pissed off celestials can go and I’m sure she remembers Lucifer’s agony and fear over his Father where Chloe was concerned. So she tries, really tries to present a wonderful setting for the grandfather of her child.

So we do have Linda in the mix. Obviously God, Amenadiel, Lucifer and Michael. That makes us five characters and four actors. Little Charlie also makes an appearance as far as I’m aware as the twin babies were on set and that also contributes on why the scene took so long to be shot. However the babies do not count as the sixth character. Chloe though does.

In short we have:

Linda

God/Dad

Amenadiel

Lucifer

Michael

Chloe

and

Charlie

Another thing we should take into account for this scene is Rafferty’s posted script page of the midseason finale.

While Amenadiel and Lucifer appear shocked and in awe, Michael seems rather pleased. I mean he literally ‘Grins with excitement’.

Amenadiel in 5x03 said that the only one who was talking to the throne meanwhile Henderson as far as I remember in one of the post P1 interviews, revealed that God and Michael have a relationship that Lucifer wishes he had with Him. D.B on one of the virtual cons (or ET interview. I have issues with keeping track of them now) have said that the scene at the family dinner would be gut wrenching and absolutely fall down hilarious’.

So in this dinner we will get to know our characters more and as Ildy and Henderson have said Lucifer will go back being a 14 year old at the Thanksgiving table. That perhaps is the reason why the script episodes 510 and 511were reversed. The last time that had happened was in S1 in order for Lucifer’s vulnerability to not come too soon in the season. In the case of these two episodes I believe it has to do with Lucifer’s emotional state but also the constant collisions he will have with his father in the Family Dinner but also during the Musical episode.

Another aspect to consider is that if 5x09 reminds us a lot of 1x10 -Pops right now and 5x10 the Musical episode is directly influenced by 2x16 - God Johnson.

The next section will now be dedicated to a quick recap of 1x10 - Pops and the possible connection to Michael and his story.

Michael in 5x09 teases Chloe as she is kept captive that there is a bigger plan and ‘Spoiler Alert’ it will be EPIC. That can be left alone as a promise to see more of that plan in S5P2 but before we go forward we should also go back in 2x04 - Weaponiser.

Do you see the parallel? How far Uriel’s view of the ‘Patterns’ could go was always a meta I couldn’t crack. Sure Michael hinted as per one Anon hinted on Tumblr that Michael might have been the one to urge Uriel on Earth to kill Mum and hopefully Lucifer as well. It is also perhaps why we were reminded of Azrael’s Blade in 5x03 - Diablo with Baphament’s blade, the only blade that could kill the Devil. Perhaps that was Michael’s plan back then but it didn’t work out.

But is Michael the big villain? According to the showrunners no. There are more things happening but Michael has a reasoning, has a story, one that explains his deformity and is the hero of his own story as all  the other season ‘villains’ so far were. Mum, Amenadiel, Malcolm, Kinley, even Cain.

What the Interviews say about Michael:

Beginning with the parallel between the dinner we had in 1x10’s dinner and plot, and in what may have in episode 5x09 I would like to remind you- 

- at this point I have censored some spoilers, not speculations, spoilers for episodes of P2 that will not be added in the S&S -

I’ll return to this topic and explore it thoroughly as the S&S are written but for now remember that 1x10 might tell us more than what we think right now and it might take us as a point of reference even up to 5x16.

Between 1x10 and 5x09 we can also wonder what are God’s intentions, can we attribute them all to Michael’s manipulation or it goes beyond that because the showrunners have promised us an emotional P2. I do believe issues are addressed and Lucifer will have to come face to face with some hard truths without that meaning that Dad was always right.

In the Pilot - wait.. Pilot? Yes, 5x09 is an episode that slowly builds us to the very end. There are spoilers and references that need to be addressed from past and future episodes before and after 5x09.

We need to address that in the Pilot, Lucifer told Delilah the very truth he uttered to Linda where he was concerned in S4 (4x08). God has nothing to do with your mess. Like Delilah, Lucifer was putting the blame to others, circumstances and even questioned God. He was wasting his eternal life and his talent, which he eventually found in crime solving.

On cue we get to the scene with Chloe asking God what she is doing to a bar with Lucifer. And what follows is Chloe telling Lucifer how she saw things differently from everyone and she paid for it. That story for me at least rings a bell.

We still do not know why Lucifer was cast out, the actual reason. No matter the sexescapeding with Eve or the rebellion what was the core of all that acting out as Linda called it in season 2? Whatever it was if we go back to 3x11 we will see that Chloe in the Pilot is basically Lucifer in 3x11.

They feel alone, misjudged and while Chloe tries to move on and later in S1 finds what actually happened, in Lucifer’s case he gives up on waiting for forgiveness from his Father until Michael comes, and tells him that even his Fall was a manipulation.

In Pops Lucifer asked something very interesting what did the sous chef wanted? And the answer was to surpass Pops. I do wonder if that’s what Lucifer wanted in a way and of course Michael on Lucifer’s expense. Two ‘children’ fighting for attention but only one was groomed to take over.

Speaking of taking over at the end of the episode of 1x10 we learn that Pops despite what Junior had done still had his son in his mind for taking over the restaurant. Pops believed in his son but allowed him space to grow eventually when everything failed.

If you remember Zadkiel’s spoiler we see that in 5x15 for some reason Lucifer wants to re-join the Host. That aside from a reconciliation shows that like Junior, Lucifer for his own reasons - we do not know what has happened but we will go back to that in the S&S of 5x15 - wants what divine power has to offer.

What happens next is again interesting -censored-. I just want you to see how we do not deal with standalones but everything progresses towards a point, a familiar yet innovative point for the series.

In episode 2x01, Lucifer asks mockingly an offended Chloe who did she thought he took after, his Dad? That happened because Lucifer believed to have taken more after his mother but as we know genetics is a funny thing, Celestial genetics even more so.

God’s absence from Lucifer’s life shaped him. He did drove Lucifer to become something he wasn’t but after 4.5 seasons can we claim that Lucifer and God are nothing alike? 

Maze I believe was spot on on the similarities God and Lucifer held.

Lucifer believes in justice, in truth and is able to love. He has been more of an Angel than any non fallen Angel has ever been so far. 

Amenadiel tricked a dead human to kill Lucifer thus condemning him again in Hell however as we know from Charlotte’s case a redemption was not impossible. 

Uriel wanted to kill his mother and wouldn’t hesitate to kill Chloe in the process. Azrael is basically a liar and manipulator, Remiel would gleefully cut open a human for their half-celestial baby while Michael is really-really messed up.

So what has happened?

Like with Junior, Lucifer was pushed by his Father to become the man he is today. And Lucifer likes what he is, who he is because he sees the change and is even afraid of not being real when that change is questioned or exposed to him.

The same happened with Amenadiel, once he decided to embrace humanity and brotherhood. He changed for the better and became more ‘angelic’.

So yes, Junior’s story does apply to Lucifer on many levels. But Junior didn’t have that dinner with his Father, Lucifer will as they will do two more of his siblings. Some will be hurt, some will feel betrayed and some may walk out.

Which brings us to a very big question. 

Was Mum truthful when she said to Lucifer, his Dad wanted to destroy him? If the answer is yes, how will both deal with that? Because Lucifer may have not totally believed Mum.

If that answer comes to play we should consider it as the common question children come forward to when they learn they were not planned or their parents had opted at first to have an abortion. The fact that they didn’t get on with the abortion or had willingly made a child does affect their feelings towards that child now? Do they regret it? Do they want what that child has become?

These are all tough questions and sometimes the answers are not easy either. Mainly because humans like celestials with human emotions as it seems, are secure and balanced only with the totality of a circumstance. Everything or nothing, the rest in between are not welcome and it’s bound to hurt.

Finally, on this 1x10 weird reminisce. Can we say that Lucifer will be allowed in the end to create something that represents him? I think he may but more about that in 5x16 S&S.

Probably the story will not end with redemption but with Lucifer finally becoming his own person one that resembles a lot of Dad and Dad may accept or even encourage that path. That does not mean he will start anew though

Which brings us back to the adversary of 1x10 - Pops. The sous chef believed that Junior was not worthy of his father’s tolerance and reward so she made sure to destroy his reputation and went as far as trying to kill him. That sounds a lot like Michael.

Michael’s speech towards Maze about what was happening in the Silver City in 5x02 did echo the sous chef words:

So we should wonder if Michael will succeed to a point to ruin Lucifer’s chances and leave Lucifer live with the consequences in the end as our hero learns to move on from whatever injustice happened or the writers will provide a catharsis.

And a final question here… Is Amenadiel really the favourite son? I somehow doubt that, perhaps I’ll be proved wrong as in many interviews Henderson has gone back to Amenadiel’s arc as he learns he is the ‘favourite’ and so far he has not said anything to contradict the belief 2x17 brought to us with so many translated Sumerian words.

But as we said teh Dinner will not be cathartic on the contrary so does that mean that Lucifer eventually walks away? Probably.

At the photos that were posted near Christmas we have two bts one crystal clear and the other more hazy which shows Lucifer at the Penthouse and Dad being there in his white cardigan. I do suspect that meeting at the penthouse happens after the dinner but it does not resolve things between Father and son. it is also possible that it’s why we need the very emotional scene from the musical to be moved forward and 511 script to become 5x10 aired episode.

Perhaps the comment on it’s not just Lucifer who hits the keys was referring to Dad and not Maze in 5x01.

Although we cannot be sure on what will happen in the penthouse and whether Scarlet was meant to join that scene or simply was on set for the day (highly probable) for another scene, we do know that in this episode we had a LUX night. A most perhaps unconventional one.

By this point you know that the writers are ready to address everything or at least make parallels and so somehow we have one with 1x09 - A Priest Walks Into A Bar. This time however it is seems like God Walks Into His Son’s Bar.

If the camera is clear enough we can see God (?) talking to a white person. I would have loved it if it was Dan but I cannot tell for sure.

Whether that visit happens before or after the family dinner I believe it may happen before as the clothes Dennis wore at the lot around that time were different from the white we saw him appear with in the end of 5x08. Of course that does not say much as we will see Dad in the same/similar white clothes in at least three different episodes in Part 2.

Therefore in the conclusion of this S&S we should speculate that the Dinner is placed at the middle of the episode and a resolution is reached for Deckerstar in the end of the episode but Lucifer’s turmoil did fit better through the musical episode hence the change. 

[crystalwillow]

Paint By Numbers, Part Two

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Hayley McAllister (F!MC)

Word Count: 6.3K

A/N: I have included Japanese (from google translate) in this fiction, but I have put the English underneath in brackets () so that everyone can still read. I hope you all enjoy Part Two of Paint By Numbers.

Tagging: @mrs-ramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @brycelahelalover @deansmyapplepie @eleanorbloom

====================

It had been a few weeks since their last date and Ethan had been looking for a reason to take Hayley on another one, and they were in the perfect place for him to give her an early birthday present he was sure she would love. They had been in Japan for four days now, mainly just been settling into their hotel and spending time with Hayley’s Godfather, Takeshi. As Hayley was getting ready, Ethan sat on the bed in their hotel room looking over the menu to see what they could get for breakfast.

“Hayley?!” Ethan called out.

“Yeah?!” she shouted from the bathroom as she dried her hair. She looked in the mirror at Ethan as he entered the bathroom and gave her a soft smile.

“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked as he leant on the door frame.

“Um..” Hayley said thoughtfully, continuing to dry her hair. A few minutes passed in silence as Hayley thought before she finally turned the hair dryer off, placing it back on the side. “Can we go out for breakfast today?” she asked as she turned around to face Ethan who now stood up straight from the door frame and opened his arms to pull her into his embrace. She smiled as she rested her head on his chest and he kissed the crown of Hayley’s head gently, almost as if he was to add any more pressure she would break.

“Of course. Did you have a particular place in mind?” he asked with a smile. She smiled back at him as they looked at each other in the mirror lovingly. “Your beauty never ceases to blow me away.” Ethan continued, gently stroking her hair.

Hayley smiled back, a small yawn escaping her. “I thought we could go to the market and see what we could find.”

“Are you sure? You seem like you’re still a little tired.”

“I am. But I want to experience as much as possible with you whilst we’re here.”

“And I’d rather do that with a fully rested Hayley. We aren’t in Boston right now, we don’t have medical responsibilities.”

“I thought you had an important conference call tomorrow afternoon before dinner?”

“Well.... other than that.”

They shared a chuckle before reluctantly pulling away from each other to finish getting ready and head out into the streets of Japan. As they left the lobby of the hotel they held hands tightly and smiled at each other, taking in the sights as they walked past them. When they reached the market, Hayley perked up and let go of Ethan’s hand, skipping ahead to look at all the produce.

“We should cook for my family tonight.” she beamed at Ethan as he caught up and stood behind her.

“Yeah? What are we cooking?”

“Udon?”

“Yeah. I’m cool with that. What about some beef too?”

“What kind of beef?”

“Hmm. What if we made a bunch of snack foods?”

“mmm. maybe.”

“Nigiri sushi?”

“Is that what you want?”

Ethan smiled guiltily as Hayley turned to look at him. She giggled quietly and pecked his cheek before turning back to the vegetable stall they were standing at. They spent another hour wondering around the market before making their way to Takeshi’s to make them lunch and hang out for the day.

As they arrived, Takeshi was outside cleaning the hallway as he spoke to himself in Japanese.

“Fūrigan! Nani no yaku ni mo tatanai gesshi dōbutsu! Hahaoya ga manā o oshieta koto wa arimasen ka? Firushī-”

(Hooligans! Good-for-nothing rodents! Did their mother's never teach them manners?! Filthy-)

Ethan looked on with wide eyes at the empty packets of various kind and half eaten fruit that was all over the floor before turning to look at Hayley.

“Goddofāzā! Nē! Kono konran o nokoshite kudasai, īsan to watashi wa sore o katadzukemasu.-Chū ni haitte yasunde mimasen ka?” Hayley interjected as she approached Takeshi and gently placed her hands on his arms as she looked at him with a kind smile.

(Godfather! Hey! Leave this mess, Ethan and I will clear it up. Why don't you go inside and rest?)

Takeshi looked back at Hayley thankfully and gave her a hug and single nod before turning to Ethan who waved.

“Uh.. Hello.” He smiled

“Hello. Let me take those bags inside for you.” Takeshi offered.

“Oh. No, that’s okay. Thank you. I’ve got them” Ethan smiled back and followed Takeshi inside before coming back out to find Hayley picking up the mess.

“You know.. It still amazes me that you’re pretty fluent in Japanese. How come you didn’t tell me?”

Hayley smiled at him. “There was really no need. I mean... you speak English so...”

Ethan let out a hearty chuckled that rumbled slightly in the back of his throat as he held out his hand. “Let me hold open that bag. We’ll get it done quicker if we-”

“Divide the problem. I know.” She laughed, finishing his sentence.

It didn’t take them long before Ethan was tying the bag and tossing it into the outside trash bin, then heading inside with Hayley to wash his hands so they could prepare the food.

Later in the day, Hayley’s father and step-mum arrived at Takeshi’s just as dinner was in the final stretch of being prepared. Hayley welcomed them inside and lead them to the sitting room where she offered them and Takeshi a glass of wine whilst Ethan stayed in the kitchen and watched over the food.

“So dad, Annie. How has your day been today?”

“It’s been good. We went into town and browsed the market.” Hayley’s father, Alex, replied.

“We managed to find you a couple of presents for your birthday and Christmas.” Annie added cheerily.

“Are you excited for your birthday this year-” Takeshi spoke but was interrupted by a shout from the kitchen

“UH HAYLEY!” Ethan shouted, Hayley’s eyes widened in horror and she ran to the kitchen where Ethan stood watching the pan that had caught fire.

“Oh my goodness!” Hayley exclaimed as she covered the pan with its lid before she grabbed the salt and started throwing it over the fire. “Well don’t just stand there babe! Wet a large cloth!” she shrilled at Ethan, who immediately obeyed her order.

“Hayley? Is everything-” Takeshi’s voice entered the kitchen as the flames luckily died out as the towel was smothered over the flames

“Everything is under control.” Hayley answered, assurance firm in her tone.

Takeshi gave Ethan an unamused look before turning his gaze back to Hayley and nodding stiffly and heading back into the living area. Ethan hug his head as he let out a heavy sigh, clearly ashamed with how he just handled himself and the situation. Hayley turned to him with fire in her eyes, but they softened a little when she saw the expression in his face and noted his body language.

Despite the small delay in their schedule, Hayley, Ethan, Annie, Alex were all seated at the dining table, with Takeshi sitting at the head of it as always. They held hands as they shared a prayer before digging into the vast array of food Hayley and Ethan had spent the majority of their day preparing. The atmosphere between Ethan and Takeshi felt a little tense due to the earlier mishap and in turn was offsetting the whole mood of the table. Although she tried her best to smoothing things out it only ended with Ethan and Takeshi getting into an intense heated argument before Ethan stormed out, Hayley of course excusing herself and running after him. By the time she had caught up however, he was already at the end of her Godfather’s road thanks to his long legs which carried him in large strides and when he was mad he always walked fast which resulted in Hayley running to keep up with him.

“Ethan babe, wait!” she shouted, lunging herself forwards and grabbing his wrist which forced him to stop.

“I’m not going back in there.” Ethan snapped, crossing his arms like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Would you listen to yourself for Christ’s sake! You’re a grown man and you’re acting like a 3 year old who has to share their toys. AGAIN!” Hayley screamed at him. He looked back at her with that dumbfounded look he always wore when she dared to yell at him like this. But tonight Hayley wasn’t in the mood for that. “You know what? I’m not doing this again. Not right now. If I can’t enjoy a nice meal with my family and boyfriend present, I’ll enjoy it alone. Go back to the hotel Ethan. And don’t wait up for me tonight. I’ll be checking in somewhere else.” She spat in disgust, Ethan watching her go as she turned on her heel and stomped back towards Takeshi’s house. Once she was out of sight, he sighed as his shoulders sagged low and hung his head in shame as he reluctantly slinked back towards the hotel that he was staying at.

Staying true to her word, Hayley didn’t return to the hotel room that night. It was the worst night’s sleep Ethan had endured for a while. It was cold, lonely and insufferable as the hours ticked by. Ethan stayed up until the early hours of the morning, reading one of Hayley’s books. He caught himself and what he was doing when he reached chapter six of the book, snorting at himself drivingly. What was he doing reading a romance novel? At 2 am no less. Rubbing his tired eyes he closed the book and slid down the bed, under the covers and hugging the book to his chest as his eyes slowly closed as sleep overtook him. The next day after Hayley had spent half of her morning back at Takeshi’s house, smoothing things out with him, she made her way back to the hotel and knocked on the door of the room she was staying in with Ethan. After about five minutes of him not answering she made her way to the front desk, asking for someone to come and open the door for her so that she could get inside. When it was opened the thanked the member of staff and stepped inside as they headed off back down the hall to work and slammed the door a little louder than was needed, but in the bed Ethan didn’t flinch or move a single muscle. Nor did he make any kind of sound to signify that he was in the room. Hayley then started worrying as she walked to the bedroom, but her scowl was back on her face when she saw him lying there fast asleep.

“ETHAN!” she shouted, but still he didn’t moved or make a sound.

She sat on the bed next to him and checked his pulse, which was fine. She then listened to his airways as best she could but those too, were fine. So she resorted to the last thing she could think of doing that was within reason. She stood next to his side of the bed and put all her strength into violently shaking him.

“Ethan Ramsey wake up!” she shouted

Finally, she elicited a grumble in response.

“You have that meeting today and you’re still in bed. Get UP!”

He let out a longer groan and a lowly mumble of “I don’t wanna.”

Hayley let out a frustrated growl before slapping his arm and storming out of the room and sitting on the couch in the living area of the room and turning the TV on. Fifteen minutes later Ethan sauntered in and plopped down in the space next to her and put his arm around her shoulder. Though she was now super pissed off with him and pulled away which earned a look of hurt and confusion from Ethan.

“You should shower and get ready for your conference call.” she said coldly.

A little baffled but mostly hurt, Ethan rose to his feet with a sigh and made his way to the bathroom and took a shower before getting ready and sitting at his laptop waiting for his conference call as he listened to Hayley laughing at the TV. The conference call went smoothly and by the time dinner had rolled around, Hayley had already made her way downstairs to the restaurant, he changed his suit quickly and made his way down to meet her. The first half of the meal was carrying a similar tenseness to the night prior as they ate their starters and then tucked into their steaks. Sighing, Ethan swallowed his bite and looked at Hayley.

“Babe. Why are you still ignoring me? Was what I done last night really that bad?” he asked, confusion in every crease on his face as well as in his gaze as he looked at her.

“You almost set his kitchen on fire Ethan.” She answered bluntly.

“I tried to apologize.” He countered

“That’s not the point. He now thinks I’m dating an incompetent man, regardless of your position as a doctor.” Hayley finished the last sip of wine in her glass before continuing to eat her steak. The tension between them dissipated after that brief conversation and the rest of dinner passed in silence that had a sadness in it.

Ethan paid the bill after they finished their dessert and they headed back to the room in a distanced silence and Ethan watched as Hayley went to the bedroom and shut the door. Sighing he made his way to the couch and spent about two hours watching shows he couldn’t fully understand before making his way to bed, only to find Hayley curled up on her side of the bed on top of the covers and still in her dress. Pain etched on her face, and his heart broke into a thousand piece as a tortured high-pitched sound of pain escaped her lips. He carefully slipped her out of her dress and into one of his t-shirts before sitting at his laptop and finding local things to do that could cheer her up and earn her full forgiveness. He felt like he had been searching for hours when he finally stumbled upon the perfect thing.

The following week Ethan, Hayley, Alex and Annie visited Fushimi Inari in Kyoto, the shrine of a thousand doors and rode on a bullet train through the mountains. Then finally the day of Ethan’s surprise for a Hayley came around. He was up with the sunrise and got ready for the day ahead, waking Hayley up 4 hours after he got up with breakfast before making sure he has their keycard in his wallet as Hayley grabbed a shower and got ready. About an hour later they were at their destination with Hayley blindfolded as Ethan lead her through the gates.

“Okay babe?” Ethan asked

“IIIIII... am fine. But where are we?” she asked.

“That would ruin the surprise.” Ethan replied.

Hayley pouted as her grip on his hands tightened until they came to a stop.

“Okay... I’m going to remove the blindfold now. Just, don’t scream when you see where we are.” He explained. Hayley frowned at the odd request, yet smiled as she noted the hopeful excitement in his tone as he spoke to her. She blinked rapidly as her eyes adjusted to the light around them then gasped with a sharp inhale as she looked around at the foxes surrounding them.

“What? ... Why? ... Where? ... How? ... Wh- what?” she asked with a stutter as she took it all in.

“I ummm... know foxes aren’t always going to be there to help me fix everything. But this felt like something you couldn’t miss and.... there’s something else. You can... cuddle them.”

“I get to cuddle foxes?!” she asks in a quiet shrieky tone, tears of happiness glistening her eyes as she looked up at Ethan who was beaming back down at her.

“You sure do.” He said with a slight tilt of his head, still beaming at her. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tight, burying her face in his chest.

“Thank you.” She said, although her voice was muffled by the fabric of his clothes.

“You’re welcome. Happy early Birthday, Hayley.” Ethan said as he rubbed her back soothingly before she lowered herself back to the ground.

“Early birthday?” she quizzed.

“Yeah... I’ve got you gifts at home in Boston but... this felt like a special moment we could share that I couldn’t pass up and, well... It seems like a pretty great gift for you.” He explained.

Hayley giggled and shook her head lightly. “You will always include the details huh?” she questioned.

“I thought that was imperative to your knowledge of me by now Hayley McAllister.” Ethan quipped.

“It is. Maybe I just like to imperatively point out the obvious, Ethan Ramsey.” Hayley quipped back quickly, making him shake his head in bemusement as they held hands and followed a tour guide around the Zao Fox Village. After following the tour guide around an absorbing a lot of information, it was finally time for Hayley and Ethan to cuddle the foxes. Hayley was immediately in her zone and crouch down to cuddle with the adorable creatures as they surrounded her, whilst Ethan approached the tour guide.

“Excuse me. Um.. yes. Hello. Could you take a few pictures for us? But could you mainly focus on my girlfriend? I’m making an album for her final birthday present to give her and I know she’d love pictures to commemorate her time here.” He asked as he held out his phone.

“Oh! Of course!” the tour guide smiled, and Ethan smiled a thanks at him as he took the phone.

“Ethan, come and cuddle this one. She’s so soft.” Hayley cooed.

Ethan joined her and crouched down, cuddling the foxes too and Hayley watched as his facial features completely relaxed. She was in complete awe of the moment as she watched Ethan seemingly come into an element of his own, and a tear slipped down her cheek as a sudden pang of guilt entered her chest. He hadn’t looked this relaxed in a few days and it was all her fault for being so stubborn and holding a grudge against him that was petty, all to prove to him yet again she will never be taken for a fool. He looked up at her smiling, but it vanished when he saw the single tear sliding down her cheek.

“Hayley.... what’s wrong?” He asked. A deep concern etched on his face.

Hayley sniffled and chuckled a little, taking a deep breath before speaking her next words with a smile. “Nothing. I’m fine. These are... happy tears.” She wiped them from her face as Ethan’s smiled returned to his face.

“I knew you’d like this surprise. But my intention with it wasn’t to make you cry.” He half-joked with a small chuckle.

Hayley chuckled with them and they shared a kiss before cuddling with the foxes again and with permission, taking a couple of selfies to post on Pictagram later that evening.

----------------------------------------

After their visit to the Zao Fox Village, Hayley decided it was only right for Ethan and Takeshi to settle things between themselves over the kitchen incident. Afterall, it was only an accident and in reality a stupid grudge for two fully grown men to be holding against each other. So, they took a taxi over to Takeshi’s, Hayley was given a warm welcome upon arrival whereas Ethan was given a cold and distant “hello.”

Inside the house, Ethan and Takeshi argued for close to 3 hours with Hayley playing mediator and finally shouting for them to be quiet, explaining they were giving her a headache by going round in circles. Eventually the two men apologized to each other. Ethan for almost setting Takeshi’s house on fire, and Takeshi for holding the grudge longer than necessary in the first place. When they left the house and started walk back towards the hotel, everything felt a lot lighter and like it was back to normal. They were almost back at the hotel when Hayley tugged on Ethan’s hand, pulling him towards some arcades.

“Hayley. Why are you bringing us here? You know I hate loudness and crowds.”

“I do. But I also was to play some games and.. you need to win me one of those!” Hayley exclaimed with a pout as she pointed to a machine with cute plush dolphins inside it. Ethan looked between the machine and the cute face outing up at him before letting out a tired sigh, rolling his eyes in mock annoyance.

“Fine. But after this, we go back to the hotel. Yes?”

“Okay!” Hayley exclaimed and danced of father into the arcade and got some money in a little pot then started playing on some machines. Five machines and many loses later, Hayley had enough left for 3 machines. She was wondering around looking for one to play one and caught sight of Ethan across the room still trying to win her a dolphin, a smile came onto her features as she noted the concentration and determination in his eyes, was reflected in his facial features. When she turned around she gasped as she spotted the perfect machine to play on. She rushed over to the machine, which was full of plush elephants, as she looked at them she decided. She would win one for Ethan. Losing on this machine simply wasn’t an option. She inserted the money which was enough for 3 machines all into the one she was standing at and settled as she set her focus on winning an elephant.

After an agonizing 20 minutes, Hayley was down to her final go. This was it. She had to win an elephant. She took a deep breath as she closed her eyes and repeated to herself 3 times “I’ve won the elephant. Thank you for letting me win the elephant.” then turned to the machine, her game face now in full action as she moved the claw towards an elephant. She held her breath as the claw descended towards the plush toy and closed it’s shiny metal talons around it. Time seemed to slow as Hayley watched the claw lift the elephant higher and higher, then towards the win zone of the machine until finally, she registered the machine going off loudly as she had won the elephant.

“ohmygod...” she muttered under her breath. “...I done it. ... I DONE IT!” she shrieked as she took the toy out through the flappy door at the bottom of the machine. As she looked up after turning around she saw Ethan making his way over to her, wearing a smile of his own and his hands behind his back.

“Hey!” she greeted with a smile and bright eyes.

“Hey. Good job babe.” he smiled back as he nudged his head towards the plush elephant in her arms.

“Thanks. I-it’s ... for you.” Hayley blushed, holding it towards him.

“For me?” Ethan queried.

Hayley nodded enthusiastically with widened eyes.

“Thank you.” he murmured with a smile.

Hayley’s smile faded as she realized the irony of the situation. “I thought it was perfect for you.”

Ethan chuckled as he took it, looking it over. “An elephant? But why?”

“Because an elephant is the most observant animal in the world. Their brains are bigger than the brains of any other land animal, and the cortex has as many neurons as a human brain.” Hayley told him with a smug smile.

“Okay. Well, I’m not really sure where to put this.” he admitted.

“I mean, in your hand is pretty perfect.” Hayley noted, smiling at him as he looked at her with a rare soft and tired smile of adoration.

Ethan chuckled slightly and pulled her closer for a hug. “You’re the best girlfriend I’ve had.” He muttered into her hair, planting a kiss on the crown of her head. “Oh!” he exclaimed suddenly, pulling back from her. “I won it by the way.” He smiled, bringing his other hand from behind his back to present a baby blue dolphin.

“Ahhh!” Hayley exclaimed happily as she took it, cuddling it to her chest. “Thank you babe!” she continued snuggling into Ethan’s chest happily.

“You’re welcome. Can we go back to the hotel now?” he yawned as he rubbed Hayley’s back.

“Yeah. We can.” she nodded as they let go of each other, facing each other with a smile before heading back to the hotel hand in hand.

----------------------------

Before they knew it, their return day had arrived, and they were doing last minute checks to make sure they had packed everything they brought with the plus anything extra they brought and were taking home.

“I’m kind of sad we’re going home today.” Hayley said as she checked the drawers in the bedroom.

“You are?” Ethan asked, his hand instinctively touching the side of her face and pulling her towards him. “Do you want to stop on the way to the airport and get a cup of your favourite tea?”

“No. It’ll be okay. I’ve just had so much fun here. I don’t want to leave.”

“I know how you feel. The thought of going back to Edenbrook now scares my brain too.” He kissed the top of her head with a chuckle.

“Scary is one way of describing it.” Hayley joked, closing the final drawer.

“Everything taken out from those?”

“Yep.”

“Good. The wardrobe and bookshelf in the living area are empty of our things too.”

“Awesome. I’ll check the bathroom and then we should be clear to checkout if we have everything.” Hayley sighed with a sad smile.

------------

16 hours later, Ethan and Hayley were back in Boston sitting in the comfort of Ethan’s bed as they snuggled together and just enjoyed each other’s company as they let their phones charge on the bedside table. They were drifting off when suddenly Hayley’s phone came to life with her ringtone, scaring them both awake and sending their heart rates soaring.

“Jesus. I am so sorry Ethan.” She yawned, scrambling from the bed to retrieve her phone. “Oh. It’s Sienna, I better speak to her quickly.” Hayley smiled apologetically as she excused herself from the room and headed to the kitchen.

Ethan sighed and looked around his now lonely room when he spotted the luggage in the corner when they had left it upon arriving home, spotting their plush toys sitting atop their suitcases next to each other. With a long sigh he pulled his tired body from the comfort of his sheets and slinked over to pick up his elephant plush Hayley had won him before getting back into bed with it.

“This is ridiculous.” He muttered to himself as he got comfortable and cuddled the stuffed toy.

About an hour later Hayley came back from her call with Sienna, which  turned out to be Sienna, Elijah and Aurora. “Hey, sor-” she started to apologize but stopped herself when she saw Ethan fast asleep cuddling the plush elephant close to his chest and his hair slightly tousled from where he had moved around a little bit. Tip-toeing back to the bedside table, Hayley placed her phone back on charge and the turned to the luggage, grabbing her dolphin before snuggling in bed next the Ethan.

“Goodnight, Ethan.” She whispered as she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

Ethan smiled softly in his sleep as he scooted closer to Hayley and she smiled back, wrapping her arms around him protectively before closing her eyes and going to sleep.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later after they were fully recovered from their jet lag, Hayley and Ethan returned to work looking as refreshed as the felt as they walked briskly down the halls of Edenbrook side by side towards the diagnostics office. Although when they arrived home they were dreading going back to work, they couldn’t help the matching smiles they were wearing due to feeling glad to be back. Ethan had already planned to do his dirty laundry that evening, but Hayley had agreed to meet up with her roommates at Donahue’s that night after their shifts to tell them all about her holiday to Japan with Ethan, Alex, Annie and Takeshi.

The day kept both Ethan and Hayley busy to the point where they hardly had a second to stop and only saw each other briefly for a new case that came through to the diagnostics team around mid-afternoon, when they shared a walk to the elevators.

“How are you?” Ethan asked her as they walked at a brisk pace.

“Good. Super busy.” Hayley answered as she jammed the down button on the wall.

“Are you coming back to mine after Donahue’s?”

“Oh. I was... I mean, I can. If you want me to.”

The truth was, Hayley had gotten so used to being around Ethan all the time, the thought of now leaving his side and having her double bed all to herself again felt like an impending loneliness she didn’t want to face.

“No. It’s up to you, Hayley. If you want to go home with your friends then feel free to do so.” Ethan said just as the elevator dinged.

Hayley put her hand in her coat pocket and pressed a key into Ethan’s hand. “It’s my locker key. Go into my bag and take out my apartment keys and wait for me at mine in my room. I’ll try and keep them out until at least midnight so you have a chance to do your laundry and pack an overnight bag.” Hayley spat out as the elevator emptied.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes. 100% sure.” She confirmed with a kiss and then stepped into the elevator.

“Why are you kiss me as if I’m leaving your side? I’m getting in too. Doofus.” He chuckled.

The day continued to pass in a busy hustle and bustle as doctors and nurses alike tended to their patients. Later that night just as discussed and planned, Ethan went back to his apartment to do his laundry and pack an overnight bag, whilst Hayley went to Donahue’s with her roommates plus Bryce, and kept them there for as long as possible.

“...So how long was the grudge held between Ramsey and your Godfather?” Bryce enquired.

“Longer than is acceptable by anyone’s standards?” Hayley replied before downing the last of her drink.

“But how long?” Jackie echoed

“Over a week.” Hayley answered bluntly.

“Fell free to tell me to shut up, but it seems pretty stupid to hold a grudge for that long over a fire that didn’t spread.” Aurora commented.

Hayley shrugged and stood up from her seat. “My round. Same again?” she asked and the whole table nodded and with a smile and nod back Hayley turned on her heel and headed over to the bar. “Hey Reggie. Same again please!” she exclaimed politely with a smile just as he phone started vibrating in her pocket.

Ethan ❤

FaceTime

Hayley chuckled to herself as she took a seat on a stool at the bar as she waited for her drinks and answered the call.

“I thought you hated face calls?” she quizzed straight away

Ethan scoffed mockingly. “Hello to you too babe.” He snarked with a slight smirk and Hayley laughed.

“What is it?” she asked as Reggie placed the tray of drinks in front of her.

“Which rooms is yours again? I don’t want to open the wrong door.”

“Oh my God.” She gawffed, “THAT’S why you’re facetiming me?”

Ethan stuttered as a blush visibly creeped up his neck and spread onto his face . “Uhhhhhh...”

“2 door on the right. The one right next door to the bathroom.” Hayley told him as she placed the money in Reggie’s hand and waited for the change.

Ethan walked in and turned the light on, closing the door behind him. “So.. how Donahue’s tonight?”

“The same as always. I’ve missed this place to be honest.”

“We’ll have to go together tomorrow night.” Ethan said as he dumped his bag on the floor next to Hayley’s drawers and mad himself comfy on her bed.

“Thanks Reg.” Hayley smiled as she took her changed from him and pocketed it before picking her phone back up. “What was that babe?” she asked

“I said. We’ll have to go there tomorrow night. Together.”

“Yeah. Of course.” She smiled at him but noted the sleepiness in his sapphire orbs. “Well I should go. You know how rowdy this lot can get, and, you should get ready for bed. We’ll be leaving here soon.”

Ethan sighed with a little pout.

“Ethan. You’re a grown man, we’re having one more round after this and then we’re leaving. Stop pouting at me.”

“I buy you a family trip and you’re still mean to me.” he joked behind a yawn.

Hayley chuckled and turned towards her tabled as she head someone shouting her name. “COMING!” she shouted back then turned back to her phone screen. “Look. I have to go, but I’ll be home soon okay?”

“Fineee.” Ethan huffed like a little child. “I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you!” Hayley chimed

“I love you too” Ethan responded, and they waved goodbye and them hung up.

Hayley returned to the table and placed everyone’s respective drinks in front of them, then took her seat.

“So. Hayley. Dr. McAllister.” Elijah stated, taking a sip of his beer. “What else did you do on your delightfully long break?”

Hayley spent the next 45 minutes talking about what she, Ethan and her family done whilst in Japan.

“And what was your favourite thing?” Sienna asked as Hayley took a sip of her drink.

“I’ll have to give you my top 3. Fushimi Inari in Kyoto, the shrine of a thousand doors. That was an amazing experience. Then we went into the heart of Kyoto and visited a bamboo forest. But Ethan is behind the thing I think I enjoyed the most. I got to cuddle with foxes at the Zao Fox Village and they were so ridiculously adorable. They even made Ethan smile after frowning for so long because of the whole feud, grudge thing.” Hayley answered.

“Wait. Dr. Ramsey smiled at foxes?” Bryce asked, stunned.

“Well yeah. He’s human not a robot Bryce.” Hayley snapped.

Bryce held his hands up and widened his eyes in surrender before finishing his drink.

--------------------------

Soon, the gang had finished their drinks and were back out walking the cold streets of Boston.

“Hayley?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah?”

“Just out of curiosity. What was your favourite thing at Fushimi Inari?”

“Hmmm...” Hayley pondered. “... Probably just getting to experience it with my family and Ethan. But you guys will see more in our little travel vlog we’re putting together. We got blessings from the high priest there to film a little bit of footage for it.”

“You got Ramsey to be in vlogs?!” Elijah exclaimed

“Elijah come on. This is Hayley we’re talking about. The woman can get anyone to do anything.” Aurora pointed out as they rounded the corner onto their street.

“That’s true. Very strong and resilient is our Hayley. Not to be taken for a fool either.” Elijah said back.

“You’ve got that right!” Hayley exclaimed and they all laughed as they headed inside, waving goodbye to Bryce who carried on towards his complex not too far away.

Inside the apartment, the roommates all gathered in the living area with glasses of water.

“Alright guys, tomorrow’s a big day with the Governor coming back to the hospital. Let’s down these and them head to bed. We’ll need all the rest we can get.” Hayley slurred slightly.

Every cheersed their water before downing it then saying goodnight and heading to bed. When Hayley entered her room, Ethan looked at her tiredly out of one eye from her bed.

“You’re home.” He whispered huskily with a tired smile.

“Yeah.” Hayley smiled. “How did your laundry night go?” she continued in a hushed tone as she changed into her pyjamas

“Good. I just need to fold it all when I get home tomorrow.” He replied, watching her intently.

“I’ll come and help you.” Hayley stated as she slid into bed next to Ethan. Cuddling into his warm chest.

“Thank you.” replied Ethan

“No problem.” Hayley yawned. “Hey. Ethan?” she asked.

“mmm?” he hummed

“I’ve been thinking. And we’re sort of doing our own paint by numbers with our relationship.”

“How so?” he quizzed, eyes closed yet ears alert and listening intently.

“Well. Our relationship is the blank canvas. And each activity, event or tragedy we’ve been through, are going through currently, or are going to go through together in the future. Is the colour we’re adding to paint our own beautiful picture of what we perceive love to be.”

A silence stretch between them and for a moment Hayley thought Ethan had fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke. “Then I want our love to make a picture that’s as beautiful as you.”

“Could it be an elephant and fox standing on a shoreline, looking out at a dolphin?” Hayley asked.

“It can be whatever you want it to be babe.” Ethan responded.

Hayley smiled into his chest and snuggled closer as Ethan pulled the covers around the securely.

“Goodnight babe.” Hayley whispered.

“Goodnight beautiful.” Ethan yawned back, wrapping his arms protectively around Hayley as they finally settled for the night.

[frenchfrysplash]

fic: between heaven, the sky, the earth

The Haunting of Bly Manor

Dani/Jamie

Chapter 2/10

Read on AO3 Here! Or you can continue into the Read More.

Summary: Jamie goes between one moment, and the next. Falling around her like rain, like snow.

She’s here for a reason. Here to help.

She just needs to remember.

————————————–

Chapter Two: the pitiless wave

And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand- How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep- while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave?

- Edgar Allen Poe, A Dream Within a Dream

December 1996

"Jamie?"

"Hm?" Jamie turned away from the window, where she had been gazing out at the way the Christmas lights lit up the newly fallen snow. Henry Wingrave always went all out with Christmas lights, decorating not only his big Massachusetts house, but the trees and hedges of the ridiculously large property as well. It was as though his determination to make up that lost year to his niece and nephew had been channelled into twinkling reds and greens, yellows and blues, and at least one blow up snowman, which Flora still loved, even at 17 years of age.

Said 17-year-old was looking at her now, holding two mugs of hot chocolate, eyebrows raised. Jamie didn't think she would ever stop seeing the little girl she had first met, even as Flora looked more and more like Charlotte Wingrave with every passing day.

"Sorry, Flora," Jamie said, taking the proffered hot chocolate. "Just lost in thought, I guess."

"Uncle Henry's lights have been known to hypnotize many a fool who wanders this way at night," Flora said, sounding older than she was, just as her brother had, once upon a time. "We find them in the spring, wandering in the forest."

Jamie snorted. "You went from strange little girl to strange teenager, you know that?"

Flora shrugged, sitting down on the couch in front of the fireplace. "Normal is overrated."

Jamie had heard Flora and Miles' accents change over the course of the past nine years, between phone calls and visits and VHS tapes sent in the mail of dance recitals and school plays. Dani had almost let the little family drop out of touch, but in the end, hadn't been able to resist when Flora called on her ninth birthday asking why Dani hadn't answered her invitation. Still, the change was jarring sometimes, especially when she had been so lost in the past a moment before.

Or had she? She was certain she had been thinking back on some memory, but what it was exactly escaped her.

"Am I going to have to look for you in the woods come Spring?" Flora asked, an amused expression on her face. "Where do you keep going?"

"Just remembering when you were little," Jamie said. "And Dani made you do all the weeding for the day, and I got to sit and drink gin and tonic. Christ, I should have told her I'd marry her right then and there."

"I could tell you liked her, you know," Flora said, eyes dancing in the firelight. "From the moment you first saw her."

"Flora, you were eight," Jamie said. "How could you possibly tell?"

"You're not denying it!"

"Denying it?" Jamie laughed. "Dani and I have been together for nine years, I think we're well past denying it." The glint of her ring caught both of their eyes, and Jamie felt a stupid grin spread across her face at the sight. "You didn't answer the question, little miss trouble."

Flora giggled, for a moment looking like that little girl Jamie saw in her mind's eye. "Well, maybe it wasn't the moment you first saw her. You were pretty rude to her, actually."

Jamie gasped, affronted. "I didn't even say anything to her!"

"Exactly!" Flora pointed at her triumphantly. "You were terribly rude."

A trace of the British accent she had left behind long ago was in her words. Jamie couldn't help but smile as she sipped her hot chocolate.

"Alright then," she said. "How and when could you tell I liked your dear au pair?"

"You stayed the night because she was scared," Flora said simply. "You'd never stayed the night at the manor before."

Jamie frowned, thinking back to that night. The thought that Peter Fucking Quint might be lurking around the grounds had made her blood boil, and really, there had been no question of her and Owen sticking around. It hadn't really been because of Dani, though Jamie remembered the way Dani's eyes had looked, shining in the darkness as they walked the grounds together, wide and scared and determined all at once. Remembered the relieved expression they took on when Owen suggested staying. Remembered how she hadn't even hesitated to stay when she saw the way Dani's shoulders relaxed.

And Jamie had been convinced Dani was straight, then. Who the hell knew?

"I used to think it was because of the ghosts," Flora was saying, bringing Jamie slamming back into the present and making her choke on her hot chocolate.

"S-sorry," she coughed. "I'm sorry. Did you say ghosts?"

"Yep," Flora looked towards the fire, thoughtful. "I know that's silly now, because there's no such thing as ghosts, right? But I remember thinking 'ah, Jamie must be scared of the ghosts. That's why she never stays for dinner.'"

Jamie blinked. Flora and Miles, she was certain, did not remember the events at Bly. Whatever happened in children's minds to protect them from trauma had taken hold, and all of the fear and strangeness of that summer had faded away. But could Flora possibly remember, somewhere, in the back of her mind?

"I used to have an imaginary friend there, you know," Flora said. "A little boy. I thought he was a ghost, because he didn't have a face-" Jamie's sharp inhale went unnoticed. "- and he scared me so badly I went running to Mum. Uncle Henry was there too, I remember." An odd expression passed over her, but she shook her head, as if to rid herself of it. "Anyway, I showed them where I'd seen him, and I told them I was scared, and Uncle Henry, well, he did his Uncle Henry thing and made me feel better."

"Oh?" Jamie asked, hardly breathing.

"Yeah," Flora laughed. "He told me to give the little boy a story, and a name, and maybe then he wouldn't seem so scary." She looked at Jamie, grinning. "He's always full of little pearls of wisdom like that, you know."

"Yeah," Jamie said, voice faint. Her heart was thundering in her ears, but not because Flora was talking about ghosts.

No, it was because standing behind Flora, silent and looming, was The Lady in the Lake.

"Is that what you want?" Jamie asked. "Is that why I'm here?"

The Lady in the Lake said nothing. Jamie leaned over and set her mug down on the coffee table. It disappeared as she did, along with Flora, lost to whatever new memory was coming. The living room was falling apart around her, lights going out one by one, walls crumbling, floor cracking and disintegrating into darkness.

"Your name," Jamie said, struggling to pull herself up straight on the couch. Her limbs suddenly felt heavy, bogged down by a life time of memories crashing about her all at once, fighting to be the next to play out. "I know your name."

The Lady of the Lake loomed ever closer, closer, closer, and Jamie-

-------------------------

June 1987

Sleeping on a couch wasn't fun at the best of times, and sleeping on an antique couch in overalls was downright traumatic. There was an ache at the back of Jamie's neck as she opened her eyes, woken up by what she thought were footsteps receding behind her. She lifted her head, glancing over the back of the couch, into the empty foyer.

Must be the ghost.

She chuckled at the thought, and levered herself up, stretching her arms and shoulders. Massaging at the crick in her neck, she headed towards the bathroom just off the kitchen, taking the time to splash a little water on her face before heading back out.

The kitchen wasn't empty. Dani stood at the centre island, back to the stove, frowning down at a teapot and teacup. Jamie felt her breath catch in her throat, taking in Dani's long blonde hair and the way it fell partially in front of her face; the way her nose scrunched up in frustration; the way her fingers tapped against the counter-top.

Dani was beautiful, and Jamie would be lying if she said she hadn't noticed it. She had seen it on that very first day, when she'd walked into the kitchen and felt any introduction she was about to make stop short in her chest. Ah, there you are, were the words that had floated across her mind, and the feeling had only strengthened since. Like Dani was meant to be there, in her life, and Jamie had just been patiently waiting until she arrived. Even as she tried to keep some distance, sure Dani was as straight as they come, her every heart beat seemed to repeat those words she had first felt when she had seen Dani.

Ah, there you are.

"Something the matter with the tea?" Jamie asked, settling herself into the bar stool closest to the au pair.

"Jamie!" Dani looked up, eyes widening in surprise. "Hi, uh, I was-" she glanced down at the pot of tea. "I was making you tea."

Her last words came out in a murmur, and were accompanied by a light blush on her cheeks. Jamie tried to suppress a grin.

"You were making me tea?" She asked, feeling inordinately pleased at the thought. "Just me? Not Owen or Hannah? Or the kids?"

"They're sleeping," Dani pointed out.

"So was I, until a few minutes ago." The grin couldn't be suppressed.

Dani ducked her head. "You said once you're an early riser, and I saw you on the couch and thought - you know what, whatever, if you don't want any-"

"I didn't say that!" Jamie held up her hands. "I'd love some tea."

Dani narrowed her eyes at her, but a small smile broke through, and she pushed the teacup in Jamie's direction.

"Not even gonna ask how I take it?" Jamie raised an eyebrow. "Such confidence."

"Um," said Dani, smile fading as Jamie took a sip.

And immediately spat it back out.

"Poppins," she said, voice deadly serious, setting the teacup down. "Are you trying to poison me?"

"I'm sorry," Dani rushed out, covering her eyes with her hand. "I'm shit at tea. Miles tried to give me pointers, but I can't seem to get it right. I just - it was so nice of you to stay last night, and I wanted to do something to thank you, and British people like tea! So I thought I would make you tea, but I'm so bad at it, I knew it was a terrible idea."

Jamie waited for the end of the word tsunami, desperately trying to keep a straight face. Finally, though, Dani peeked at her through her fingers, and she couldn't stop herself, dissolving into laughter.

"Well, that's just mean," Dani said, dropping her hand from her face. Her indignant expression caused Jamie to laugh harder.

"Sorry," she said, calming herself down. "I'm sorry. It's not even that funny."

"I just wanted to do something nice," Dani muttered, looking back down at the tea and pouting.

Jamie took a deep breath, and ran her fingers through her curls. She closed her eyes, centring herself, and so missed Dani looking up at her, eyes widening and mouth parting slightly in an inaudible gasp. By the time she opened them again, Dani's gaze had averted, and she was none the wiser.

"Ok, how about I give you a lesson, then?" Jamie asked. She stood up, picking up the pot and the cup, making her way to the sink where she dumped out both.

Dani watched her, perplexed. "A lesson?"

"On the proper way to make tea." Jamie searched out the second teapot, not trusting the first not to retain the contamination of Dani's disastrous attempt, as well as two teacups. "Per Jamie Taylor, tea-making prodigy."

"A prodigy?" Dani turned, leaning her hip against the counter, arms crossed. "I didn't realize I was in the presence of such genius."

"I keep it to myself, mostly," Jamie said, shrugging. She filled up the kettle and set it on the stove to boil. "Now first, we boil water."

"And then what?" Dani asked, amusement lighting up her face in a way that made Jamie want to swoon.

"One thing at a time," Jamie said. "That's your problem, you Americans, always rushing about. Tea takes time."

"I see." Dani glanced at the kettle, then back at Jamie. She seemed to be struggling with the silence that had fallen between them, though Jamie found it quite comfortable. She tilted her head. "So, no change of clothes, huh?"

"Nah," Jamie looked down at herself. "I rushed out of my flat pretty quick last night when Hannah phoned. Hated the thought of Pete wandering the grounds, probably flattening all my flowers. On purpose, knowing him."

"Yeah, that would be the worst thing he could do," Dani said drily. She was quiet for a moment, opening her mouth to talk, but startling at the whistle of the kettle.

Jamie quickly removed it from the burner, setting it aside. She turned to her teapot, and added teabags.

"Two teabags, huh?" Dani asked.

"More or less depending on how strong you like it." Jamie grabbed the kettle and poured the boiling water in. "Two to a pot is pretty reasonable though." She set the kettle aside, and placed the lid on the teapot. "Now, we let it steep."

"Steep?"

"So it'll actually taste like something," Jamie said. "And not just milky water with a bit of sugar."

"Ah," Dani peered at the teapot. "That makes sense." She smiled a somewhat embarrassed smile. "I didn't realize you had to do that."

"Which resulted in you almost killing me," Jamie said.

"I didn't almost kill you-"

"I saw me life flash before me eyes, I did."

Dani snorted, and looked away. Silence fell again, and Jamie took the moment to just look at Dani. She studied her profile, traced the contours of her eyebrows, her nose, her cheeks, her lips, down her neck, along her collarbones. Something tugged at her, insistently. A feeling that she had forgotten something, nagging in the back of her mind, like when you're not sure you locked the door before leaving in the morning.

"Where do you live, anyway?"

Jamie blinked, surprised at the question. It must have shown on her face, because Dani blushed and looked away.

"Sorry," she said. "I mean, I know you live in Bly, obviously. But where in Bly? Not that it'll mean much to me, since I've never been into town. But I was just curious, I guess."

"S'alright," Jamie said, smiling at her. "I live near the centre of the village, actually. In a flat above the local pub. Takes me about twenty minutes to drive here."

"Oh!" Dani considered this. "What's it like living above a pub?"

Jamie thought for a moment. "Not terrible," she said finally. "Not ideal either. I can pop down and get a drink whenever I want, but then I can hear everything going on down there all night. It's not exactly busy, but some nights they have live music, or it's a Saturday and things are getting rowdy." She shrugged. "It was almost a blessing staying here last night, with the silence." She rubbed the back of her neck again. "The couch was torture though."

"Well," said Dani. "Next time you stay over, we'll make sure you get a bed."

"You offering, Poppins?" Jamie asked, delighted at the way Dani's ears turned bright red. "Nah, I'm sure you'd rather our resident chef."

She made her way over to the fridge, pulling out milk and setting it on the counter, goosebumps prickling her arms as she felt Dani's eyes on her. Distance, she thought, was best.

"No," said Dani, voice so low Jamie almost didn't hear her. "I don't think I would."

Jamie turned to her a little too fast, almost dropping the sugar bowl. Dani was watching her, arms still crossed, expression soft. Jamie felt a surge of…something towards this woman. Something deep and all-consuming, something that was impossible for her to be feeling, given how short a time she had known her. But it was there, an ache in her chest, painful and wonderful and too much.

The sugar bowl fell to the ground, shattering.

"Jamie?" Dani asked, pushing herself off the counter, concern colouring her features. "Jamie, what's wrong?"

It was only now Jamie felt the tears tracking down her cheeks, blurring her vision as she stared at Dani, whose eyes were wide with shock, her mouth moving as she asked Jamie what was going on, what was wrong, what could she do?

Jamie heard none of it, only gazed steadily at her dead wife.

"God, I miss you," she said.

Dani's face was stricken. Jamie took a few stumbling steps forward, cupping Dani's blurred face.

"I wish you were real," she whispered. "I wish this wasn't just a memory. I wish-"

She stopped when she saw Dani's eye-line shift.

Over her shoulder.

Slowly, she turned around. And gasped, stepping back involuntarily, into the space Dani had just now vanished from.

The Lady in the Lake stepped with her, eyeless face filling Jamie's vision. She raised her hands towards Jamie's neck, and Jamie shut her own eyes, readying herself for those cold, clammy fingers to wrap around her neck.

Instead, she felt them wipe at her cheeks.

Jamie opened her eyes again, heart pounding, as the Lady in the Lake wiped her tears. It didn't really help, since her hands were damp from their watery home, but there was a certain clumsy gentleness there. Like this was something the Lady had done before, but not for a very, very long time.

As she stood there, utterly terrified, Jamie became aware of another noise beyond her own shuddering breaths. There was a sound coming out of the Lady's throat, guttural, animalistic. She seemed to be trying to say something.

All at once, Jamie remembered.

Carefully, she raised her own hand to cover the Lady's at her face, curling her fingers around it and bringing it down, squeezing. She swallowed, fighting past her fear, and brought her other hand up, trembling, to touch the Lady's waxlike face.

"Viola," she said quietly. "Your name is Viola Lloyd. Do you remember?"

The noise from the Lady's throat changed, slightly. Jamie dropped her hand to the one holding the Lady's, and squeezed, almost encouragingly.

And finally, finally, the noise that came out of the Lady's throat wasn't just a meaningless sound anymore.

"Vi…ola…"

[pastpatientlywaitingforimagines]

Dragonology Miniseries (2) | Charlie Weasley x femHufflepuff!Reader

WC: 2184

A/N: I know I said Christmas fic was next but I’ve been listening to Black And White from Niall’s new album on repeat since it came out and I was stricken with inspiration. There’s still more to come from the miniseries so if you want to be on the taglist let me know!

You can read the main series here, and the first miniseries fic here

DRAGONOLOGY FAQ

WARNINGS: KISSING (like so much it’s kinda gross), alcohol

*Present*

Charlie was pressing sloppy kisses near your ear as you fumbled for the key to the small cottage you were renting for the weekend. Twelve hours of drinking, dancing, and celebrating had you both tipsy, tired, and jubilant. Just as you finally turned the knob, his calloused hands grabbed your face and pressed your lips to his roughly. You giggled into his kiss, grabbing his loosened tie and tugging him gently across the threshold.

*Hour 1*

Charlie grinned as your hand slipped into his. You were standing in a tent full of your friends and family- well, most of them at least. The war had been over for a few months, but the heavy sting of loss was still prevalent in the wizarding community. You knew there was a large, Fred-shaped hole in this whole celebration, but Charlie had insisted that hosting the event would help with the healing.

Putting the tip of his wand to his throat, Charlie started speaking to the crowd in front of you.

“(y/n) and I wanted to thank you all for joining us today. We know that things have been rough lately, and we wanted to give you all a reason and a place to enjoy yourselves. What we haven’t told most of you is that (y/n) and I have been married for almost four years now. We had a small ceremony before we got swept up into the war, and promised each other that we would have a party after it was all over to celebrate our love. It seems like everyone needs extra love, and we want to share ours with you all. So drink, dance, and be merry! Celebrate the love you have, and the love we have. Thank you.”

Everyone in attendance applauded, the band started playing, and the party started. Charlie let go of your hand and slid his hand around your waist.

“How was that?” he murmured.

“It was perfect, look how happy everyone is,” Charlie didn’t look, instead his eyes were locked on yours that sparkled as you scanned the crowd, “I can’t believe we’ve been married for almost four years. It seems like a lifetime ago but also like yesterday.”

“We’ve been together for twelve years now.  In two years I’ll have spent half of my life loving you.”

“Handsome and he can do math, has someone put a ring on that finger yet?”

Pressing a kiss to the top of your head, Charlie laughed, “only the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Before you could respond, the first of a long line of guests stepped up to congratulate you.

*Present*

Though Charlie could have kept kissing you forever, you eventually pulled away to sink down into an armchair, finally tugging your shoes off your feet.

“Never again,” you grumbled, tossing them across the room. Charlie leaned over the back of the armchair, peppering your face with more kisses.

“Not your shoe of choice?” he asked as he stepped away and towards the kettle sitting on the stove.

“I prefer my work shoes,” you started fiddling with the buttons on the back of your white dress, undoing them one by one.

“I prefer your work shoes too,” Charlie reappeared by your ear, his whisper sending a chill down your spine as his fingers replaced yours.

*Hour 3*

After a seemingly eternity greeting and thanking guests, you and Charlie finally found yourself seated, passing an almost empty glass of firewhiskey between you. Callum, Tonks, and a few other friends from your Hogwarts days were also at the table, reminiscing on your days at the wizarding school. Tonks was howling with laugher after one of Charlie’s former roommates made a joke about the frequency of your late night returns to your respective dormitories.

“We should have known that we’d end up here at your wedding,”

“You doubted us?” your question was accompanied by a sly grin.

“At first, yeah. Neither of you seemed like the dating type and you were always… happy with each other,” Tonks scrunched up her nose. Charlie’s roommate nodded in agreement, then spoke when he noticed the matching expressions on your and Charlie’s faces.

“Neither of you had any doubts, did you?”

“When did you know?” you asked your husband, taking the glass of firewhiskey from his hands and taking a sip.

“I always knew. I fell in love with the way you loved when you talked about teaching salamanders manners. You said it like it was the most important task in the world, not as a hinderance or frustration. You genuinely cared about the wellbeing of those fire salamanders, and it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. When did you know?”

“The day before our first match against each other after we became friends, when we decided our friendship wouldn’t get in the way of our Quidditch careers and that anything was fair game. You trusted me to take care of myself and didn’t see the need to go easy on me. Showed me you saw me as tough,” you took another sip of the whiskey.

“You’re the toughest person I know,” Charlie pulled the glass from your hands and poured what was left of the amber liquid into his mouth.

*Present*

One of Charlie’s sweaters now adorned your frame and a hot cup of tea was in your hands as you curled into Charlie’s side on the sofa.

“Time for bed once your tea is gone?” Charlie asked as you stifled a yawn.

“The sun is about to come up, might as well watch it rise since we’re still awake this early.”

“You’ll have to wake me when it’s happening then, I’m so comfortable and you’re so warm,” his eyes closed as his voice trailed off. You reached a hand up to poke his cheek, laughing quietly when he slowly opened one eye to look at you before breaking into a toothy grin.

“I think this is my second favorite time of day,” you said into the silence.

“Only your second? What’s your first, love?”

“Late afternoon, especially if it’s sunny.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s a good time for a lot of things. You could have a snack, or do some work, or go for a walk, or take a nap. It’s also a good time for a cup of tea,” you mused.

“Any time is a good time for a cup of tea in your opinion.”

“I’m glad a married a man who knows me so well.”

You were quiet again for a while, only aware that the other was conscious by Charlie’s constantly moving thumb against your side and your occasional movements to bring your cup to your lips. When the sun finally started to peek over the horizon, you gasped quietly.

“This is perfect,” you glanced over to your husband, “you’re perfect.”

Charlie’s smile was sadder than you anticipated.

“What if I’m not?”

“I think I would know after loving you for thirteen years. What’s wrong?”

“The past four years of our marriage have felt like a dream. Well, a nightmare, really. Now that the war is over and we’ve had our party it feels like we can actually start being a married couple. Get a bigger house, a cat, maybe even have kids. And even though those are all good, happy things and the war and death and disaster is behind us, I’m still bloody terrified. What if I’m not able to give you a picket fence and two and a half little red-haired kids?”

You set your cup down on the coffee table.

“Then we don’t have a picket fence and two and a half kids. We’ve never really been conventional, Charlie. You’re all I need to be happy. On second thought, you and dragons are all I need to be happy. I have both of those things, the rest is just a positive extra. It’s ok to be scared of what the future holds, a year ago we didn’t know if we would even have a future.”

*Hour 6*

The band had transitioned to a slower song, leaving you and Charlie no choice but to share a proper first dance.

Embracing each other and surrounded by other couples dancing, you were finally able to have a quiet moment together since the beginning of the party.

“You don’t wear white very often,” Charlie observed.

“If I did it wouldn’t stay white for very long so I usually stay away, should I start wearing it more?”

“You look beautiful tonight, but I think colors suit you better. Shows off your gorgeous personality,” a soft kiss was shared between you.

“I can’t believe we actually made it here,” you said, eyes flickering around to the guests surrounding you.

“Me neither,” Charlie breathed, “I’m not going to lie, I was almost convinced I was going to lose you.”

“Why?”

“You’re too good of a person, you’re a helper. I haven’t slept well these past few years because I kept thinking you’d get yourself killed trying to help someone in danger.”

“I haven’t slept well these past few years because I kept thinking you’d get yourself killed trying  to help someone, too. Bravery and loyalty can be dangerous, Weasley.”

Charlie pulled you closer to his chest, “I’m only loyal to you, Mrs. Weasley.”

*Present*

You woke up still on the sofa, nuzzled into Charlie’s chest. You smiled contently, tightening your arm around him and falling back asleep until you felt him rouse hours later.

“It’s almost late afternoon,” you felt his chest rumble as he spoke.

“My favorite time of day,” you smiled as you sat up, stretching your arms out.

“I am starving,” Charlie stood once you were off of him, taking the few steps over to the kitchen.

“Do you want help cooking?” you offered, though the sun was shining through the windows right onto your current spot and felt warm as it hit your skin. With your eyes closed to soak up as much sunlight as possible, you didn’t see Charlie’s loving gaze as he paused for a moment to admire you.

“You keep enjoying that sunshine, beautiful. I think I’ve got it handled over here.”

Charlie was a decent cook having learned from his mum, but in his tired, slightly hungover state he didn’t have it handled and you ended up sitting on the floor of the kitchen eating some fresh fruit after putting out the multiple fires that he had accidentally started.

“Have I told you how much I love you recently?” you giggled.

“Considering we had a whole party to celebrate our love last night… no, you haven’t said it and I’m starting to worry,” Charlie’s feigned concern sent you into another fit of giggles and your joined laugher filled up the small, sunny cottage.

*Hour 9*

“We’d like to thank you all again for coming to celebrate love with us this evening. It means the world to us that you’re all here. As we start to wrap up, Charlie and I wanted to share with you the vows we wrote for each other when we first got married. I’m going to go first.

Charlie, I spent a long time trying to write something profound for my vows, until I realized that the words that described my feelings for you were much simpler than I originally thought. I love you and I trust you. I have loved you and I have trusted you for so long that it’s second nature, and I promise to keep loving you and keep trusting you in every challenge and blessing that we encounter together. There isn’t anyone else I would want by my side in any aspect of my life, and I promise to cherish your companionship as we step into our future. I anticipate there will be losses and pain, but you will not lose me, and together we can help heal with the strength of our love. Here’s to forever.”

The first time you had read these vows, Molly Weasley had immediately burst into tears. Now, you noticed many people were wiping their eyes, though there seemed to be more smiles and hope for the future than your small gathering so many years ago.

Charlie took a deep breath, and then began reading his vows.

“(y/n). My sweet, beautiful, amazing (y/n). I want to promise you a grand life of dragons and quidditch and fire salamanders with impeccable manners, but ultimately that is not our reality. The world isn’t that perfect and as we’ve grown older and more experienced I think we’ve come to realize that. Despite all this, you’ve taught me to focus on the smaller positives, like a cup of tea when you can’t sleep. So, even though I can’t promise you Hufflepuff winning the quidditch house cup or a pile of dragon babies in the spring, I can promise I will be there for you whenever you need me. I promise to care for you when you can’t, and admire you when you can. And most importantly, I promise that I’ll love you for the rest of my life.”

Tags: @siriuslysirius1107

[softstraykids]

christmas for two

member: han jisung genre: fluff & more fluff summary: fuckboy au! christmas au! enemies to lovers au! you were spending christmas alone with only a family friend’s son to keep you company who you’ve never met or knew anything about. then han jisung; ultimate fuckboy, ex best friend and current enemy shows up at your doorstep. you know you’re in for a ride. requested: yes and it’s a secret santa gift for @geminijimini!!

“bye sweetie!! we’re going now, don’t forget the Hans’ son is coming soon!!” 

your mum calls out to you 

you shout back “I know!! make sure grandma’s okay!”

the door closes with a click and you breathe out a sigh 

your parents were going out of town because your grandma had suffered a heart attack

apparently she was in good health but your parents still wanted to check on how she was

and as selfish as it was you wish they could be back in time for christmas but you know it’d be a week before they came back

it was around 3 days before christmas and you already knew you were going to be alone for christmas

well

not alone 

the Hans’ son was staying with you for the next week because his parents had won a cruise trip for two at Christmas time

and all the tickets were sold out so they couldn’t get an extra spot for their son 

so he was staying with you because the Hans and your parents didn’t want you two to be alone during Christmas

the thing is

you’ve never met the Hans’ son because he was never there when your families met up

well you weren’t there much either but when they came over to your house you’d say hello 

but you knew he was your age 

that's it

a thought suddenly popped into your head

what if their son is han jisung

you actually laughed out loud

yeah right

fate wouldn’t be that cruel to make you spend christmas with jisung

absolutely not you thought 

there was no way

han jisung was the one person you could say you hated on this planet

he was the most popular guy in your grade

perfect grades

goofball and class clown

part of like a lot of sports teams

on the student council 

and fuckboy extraordinaire 

he went through girls like someone with a runny nose would with tissues

but even with all of his fuckboy ways you and jisung used to be really good friends 

like texted each other to early morning

went on late night fast food runs

had like hundreds of inside jokes

and always would sit in class with each other

you two never met your families though

but as best friends

your only condition was not to fuck around with your friends

but he eventually did when you got a boyfriend 

he became distant, fucked around with your ex best friend’s feelings

then you two had a huge falling out and you haven’t talked since

and you became distant with your best friend too 

but ever since then he's become the only person you hate

in the midst of your thoughts you heard the doorbell ring 

“COMING” you shout as you race down the stairs 

you open the door

and the automatic thought you had was 

fuck you fate

because there he was

han jisung

in all his handsome fuckboy glory 

he was leaning against the wall with a duffel bag in his hand swung over his shoulder

you couldn’t deny it 

he looked good with his messy hair, grey sweatpants and a black hoodie

when he saw you

the corner of his mouth curved up and his gaze got even more intense 

he looked you up and down appreciatively 

and he smirked at you looking at you directly in the eye 

“nice legs, sweetheart” he said his voice oozing with cockiness and smoothness

you then just realised you were wearing a huge t shirt with tiny shorts which barely covered your butt 

you just rolled your eyes at him and just as he opened his mouth to say something

you slammed the door in his face

the keep reading thing finally got fixed sorry for the troubles with the rest of my fics

“HEY! REALLY Y/N??” he shouts through the door

and this time you’re the one smirking 

but without you noticing your heart skipped a beat when he said your name with the same familiarity he used to say it with

you slowly make your way upstairs to change enjoying jisung’s shouts to let him in

when you open the door again 

he just dryly says “really?” as he looks what you’re wearing

you had baggy sweatpants on, a hoodie and a parka 

“what? i need to protect my purity. you’re the pervert here.” you say innocently 

he scoffs “purity my ass” as he walks past you into the house

you swear under your breath as you close the door

this was going to be a long 2 weeks

you show jisung to the guest room and wait at the doorway

as he puts his duffel bag down 

before you even register what was happening 

he just takes his jumper off and

he. doesn’t. have. a. shirt. on.

suddenly you could hear your heartbeat getting faster 

and you feel like the room just got a lot hotter

you can’t help but think how unfair it is that he’s THAT hot

his 6 pack was perfect, you could see the definition of his arm muscles and his shoulders were broader then you remembered 

as he chucks the jumper onto the bed

he gives you a side glance and a quick wink

“liking the view i see” he says cockily

and you could literally see his already massive ego growing 

“you bloody wish. put a bloody shirt on jisung” you say as calmly as possible

trying to hide your bright red cheeks

and praying that he doesn’t literally hear your heart going at million miles an hour

jisung chuckles and your heart just kinda melted right there and then

“you were never that good at hiding your thoughts from me. some things never change. i missed you y/n” he says with his signature bright smile

then he puts on a black t shirt he got from his bag

and you just stand there speechless 

as the words of “i missed you y/n” repeats in your head over and over

‘you’re just saying that you don’t mean it just like all the flirting you do” you mutter trying to convince yourself that was the truth

“maybe, maybe not” jisung cryptically says not looking at you 

you could cut the tension in the room with a knife

“i’ll be down stairs getting dinner ready” you say trying to avoid the subject and him

but you could feel the intense gaze of jisung on your back as you leave

jisung couldn’t believe his luck

he was initially stumped at the fact he couldn’t join his parents on their cruise 

but spending christmas with you and hopefully making up with you was the best present he could’ve ever wished for 

gosh he’s  missed you so much and he was such an idiot for letting you go 

he’s had a crush on you for years now since you two first met in high school

you two became really good friends but it was just that 

just friends 

to distract jisung from his feelings he went from one girl after another

but once you got a boyfriend 

the jealously creeped in and he couldn’t help but get distant with you

your best friend let jisung rant to her about his feelings for you 

but she started to fall for him 

then once she confessed and he rejected her

she pettily told you lies about how he fucked around with her feelings

then you two had a huge falling out because jisung couldn’t tell you the real reason why your best friend was lying

but now he had a chance to fix everything 

you didn’t have a boyfriend and your old best friend and you weren’t even friends anymore 

and school wasn't there to get in the way 

he just needed to soften your heart so you would give him a chance

jisung smiled to himself as he thought about you 

“DINNER’S READY” you called out from downstairs

jisung came down as you set down the plates of food down on the coffee table in front of the tv

before he could utter a word you said 

“since we have to live with each other for the next 2 weeks, please don’t piss me off and i’ll act civil towards you if you do.”

“sounds good to me” jisung said shrugging grabbing his plate of food and sitting on the couch 

you turn netflix on and put on a movie you and jisung both liked

no words were exchanged as you guys ate and enjoyed the movie 

but somewhere in the middle of it jisung ended up lying down on your lap

and you didn’t want to make a big deal of it since you didn’t have the energy to bicker with him

plus a bit of you liked it

liked it a lot 

by the next movie you two watched 

your instincts kicked in and you started playing with his hair

and internally you knew you were playing a dangerous game with your feelings

jisung was a fuckboy and has been with more girls than you could count

but he always treated you right said that annoying voice in your head

and already your walls were crumbling

your heart wanted to give in 

what happened was a year ago 

you weren’t even friends with your old best friend 

she kinda just ghosted on you after jisung and her story always seemed off

you just didn’t push it 

and you knew even if you tried to deny it

you missed jisung

a lot

“goddamnit han jisung” you accidentally mutter under your breath

“what?” jisung groggily says rubbing his eyes and turning his head so he was looking straight up at you 

and your heart melted right there and then

seeing him all sleepy, his hair all messy and lying down on your lap

just did something to your insides

“let me just get some snacks” you say trying to not look at him

“oh sorry” jisung says softly sitting up and rubbing his eyes sleepily 

you try and steady your beating heart as you go to the kitchen and get some snacks for you and jisung

you come back and jisung’s face lightens up as he sees you struggling as your arms are full of popcorn, chocolate, candy and ice cream

“holy shit i love you y/n” he says without thinking

you completely freeze up and his eyes widen comically

“ummmm u-uhhh i-i didn’t mean that w-well i kinda did b-but ANYWAYS let me help you with that” jisung says stumbling adorably over his words 

and you’re in shock at the fact he didn’t completely outright deny what he said

and the fact han jisung the smoothest talker you know was a blushing fidgety mess 

seeing this sort of side to him you couldn’t help but get all soft

after setting down all the food the awkward atmosphere lessened 

you plop down on the couch pretty close to jisung and play the movie

after 30 minutes you felt super sleepy and instinctively you put your head on jisung’s shoulder 

before you could even realise what you did 

jisung automatically puts his arm around you letting you snuggle into him comfortably

you thought to yourself 

fuck it what would just a little bit of cuddling change

you got your answer as you were about to fall asleep still cuddling with jisung

“i’m really sorry for everything y/n” jisung says into your hair muffling his words slightly

but you could hear the sincerity of his words

and you just gave in

you wanted your best friend back

“it’s okay i forgive you ‘sung” you mumble back still super sleepy

you couldn’t see but jisung’s smile while looking down at you was just pure happiness and love

and he hesitated a bit before he kissed you on the forehead

jisung leans his head on yours and his eyes droopily close

and that’s how you two fell asleep

with the tv still on 

the fireplace still crackling

and the snacks all eaten 

with you two all snuggled up on the couch with a huge warm woolen blanket wrapped around you two 

you woke up groggily yawning then you felt just like a solid body that you were leaning on 

and you looked up and you saw jisung

you automatically jump out of the snuggling position you were in 

then you see jisung open his eyes slightly 

as you put your hands all over your body in panic and sigh in relief as you realise you have all your clothes on

you didn't realise that jisung was fully awake until he burst out laughing

between his laughs he spluttered out “y-you r-really thought w-we slept-t together?” 

you angrily pout at him crossing your arms “well i’m sorry that was my first reaction when i see that we slept on the couch all night” 

jisung can’t help but think how adorable you as you try to be angry

“well i’m glad you think of us like that” he says suggestively wigging his eyebrows 

“HAN JISUNG” you shout hitting him with a pillow 

“ow ow ow i’m sorryyyyy” he cutely says

you huff out “get up it’s already noon and i need to do some last minute christmas shopping” 

“is that an invitation for me to join?” jisung sneakily asks

“no. it is an invitation for you to clean up this mess though” you say pointing to the rubbish on the coffee table from last night’s snacks

you get ready to go shopping and you say you’re going as jisung was still washing the dishes

you knew that you needed time to sort out all the feelings which you still haven’t processed at all

even though you already knew what they all meant

last night you forgave jisung 

and now you two were back to how you used to be

but something new was in the mix

and you knew exactly what it was 

but what scared you was the fact you liked the fact that feeling was there

the feeling of liking han jisung 

and it was as if fate hated you even more

because just as you tried to turn on your engine

you could hear it rattle rumble then die

you cursed loudly knowing you need to ask jisung for his car

his answer “only if i drive”

“why can’t you just let me borrow it” you whine

“would you trust me driving your car” he snorts and retorts sassily

you then grudgingly agree he has a point and he gets ready to go out

it was a few hours into christmas shopping and you two were having a ball 

but you could see jisung eyeing a hoodie and you went over to him

you instantly loved it too and couldn’t help but say 

“damn that’s a really cute hoodie”

“i know right i have an amazing taste” jisung says cheekily as you just shake your head and laugh

“yeah yeah sure whatever you say”

unknowingly to jisung 

you bought it while he was off in the toilet 

jisung insisted on carrying all your bags 

and buying lunch too 

you felt like a princess 

but you couldn’t help but try to be cautious

he’s a fuckboy y/n he does this to all girls not just you 

you told yourself

but you knew that wasn’t the truth you’ve seen jisung interact with other girls

and he was never this nice or patient and he would’ve definitely made a move by now

you were a complete mess by the end of your shopping trip 

your thoughts and feelings were all conflicted

and as jisung was driving and both of you were belting out christmas songs

and he was doing an impression of mariah carey’s all i want for christmas is you 

you were dying of laughter as you forgot how funny jisung was

that was when you knew

you were completely fucked

this definitely wasn’t the first time you had a crush jisung

you think you had one about 3 times when you were friends with jisung

but did nothing about it because he never seemed to be interested in you like that

though now it was completely different 

he was acting even more romantic and more boyfriend material than ever 

and you were struggling real hard to keep your walls up

you were making pumpkin soup for dinner and you were so concentrated on stirring the pot you didn’t hear jisung’s footsteps

just don’t question why someone would be concentrated on stirring 

you suddenly feel two arms wrap around you waist

and jisung’s chin leans on your shoulder as he asks 

“whatcha making?” 

your heart basically had a heart attack as he did it 

“pumpkin soup” you say spinning around to face him and at the same time putting the wooden spoon into his mouth

you laugh super hard as jisung’s eyes are wide and half of the wooden spoon is in his mouth

as you take the spoon of his mouth 

he splutters out “y-you” trying to formulate words

you laugh even harder

“dinner’s ready” you say between your laughs 

you guys again sat on the couch with your soup as you put on a tv show

jisung spilled a bit of his soup

and you two bickered back and forth as he cleaned it up

during the bickering you couldn’t help but think 

you two were acting like an old married couple

“i did the dishes this morning so you should clean it up”

“uM EXCUSE ME you’re the one WHO SPILLED IT”

once jisung cleaned up and finished his soup

without hesitation he lied down on your lap

you played with his hair the whole time 

at one point you two ended up cuddling 

then you both fell asleep like that again 

“we really gotta stop falling asleep on the couch like this” says jisung as you wake up

you look up at him and squeak because of how close he is

he laughs softly at your reaction “morning sweetheart” he says

“morning” you say with a yawn

it was christmas eve and you two spent the whole day in your pjs

first wrapping the presents

which was a lot of trying to run into each other’s room to see what the other person has gotten 

both of you failed 

you two went outside to make a snowman 

which didn’t happen and just ended up being a snowball fight

after you two dried up you made hot chocolate for the both of you 

to warm you guys cuddled up on the couch right next to the fire place and talked for an hour or so 

you two also baked gingerbread and made gingerbread houses

that took like 3-4 hours because you two were playing around so much

then you two spent the whole evening cooking your favourite christmas foods for dinner 

the whole day was amazing

christmas carols were playing, you two had at least 2 more cups of hot chocolate, the christmas tree lights were twinkling and the bright smiles never left each other’s faces

constant flirting, teasing, banter and suggestive remarks never left your conversations

nor did the constant affection

like the sneaky forehead kisses, cuddles, and hugs 

and both of you knew what was going on but didn’t mention it

neither of you wanted to ruin it

but at the back of your mind you wanted an explanation 

the reason you two stopped being friends 

the one jisung refused to tell you when you two had your huge fallout

but for the time being you wanted to forget about it until the time was right to ask him about it 

after you two had your christmas dinner and both were extremely full 

you suggested something 

“hey i know it’s pretty cold but it’s a clear night do you wanna go up to the treehouse and give our presents up there?” 

“sounds good let’s go thirty minutes before 12?”

so after you two watched another christmas movie

which was like the 10th you’ve watched in the last 3 days

you guys went to your treehouse, with hot chocolate in thermo flasks, a picnic blanket and a bunch of woolen blankets 

and of course your wrapped presents 

after you guys got all comfy and cozy 

resting your backs on the wall of the tree house with the blankets wrapped around you two

you had soft christmas music playing from your phone

and as it turned 12 you both shout 

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” 

you two handed your presents to each other at the same time

and both of you ripped the wrapping off 

you two burst out laughing as you both held up the same hoodie you both saw when you were doing christmas shopping 

“i told you i had great taste” jisung says while laughing

you both put your matching hoodies 

“we look pretty damn cute” jisung says appreciatively 

and you couldn’t deny it 

the hoodies looked good on both of you and the whole matching thing really worked for you two 

“you look adorable with your sweater paws” jisung chuckles out

you put your two hands to your face which was hidden in the sleeves of your hoodie posing for him

jisung takes a few photos of you

“my new background” he casually mentions as your cheeks go bright red

you two snuggle up and star gaze

talking about the constellations 

and then all your past christmases 

jisung says a few cheesy pick up lines which you laugh at 

“there’s a million stars in the universe but the only one i need is you” he’d say overly romantically 

as you’d just laugh, cover his mouth with you hand and say “oh my gosh stop”

once you two settle down and a comfortable silence falls upon you two 

you suddenly ask 

“hey jisung can you tell me why we stopped being friends” you softly say looking up at him

he softly smiles down at you 

“it’s cause i liked you”

then your brain kinda just freezes and doesn’t work anymore 

you move so there’s space between you two and you’re looking straight at him making sure he’s telling the truth 

“your best friend let me rant to her about my feelings for you but she fell for me and once she confessed i rejected her. she was bitter and told you all those bullshit lies” 

you felt like shit 

you should’ve known there was a good reason 

and your best friend’s story always sounded really off 

before you could apologies jisung clearly tells you

“don’t feel bad please it’s on me i’ve liked you for years now and i never had the guts to tell you until now” 

jisung says sweetly looking at you with so much adoration

you just melted into a puddle

“now?” you softly whisper

he chuckles softly and says with affection filling his voice

“i like you y/n. i like you a lot”

without any notice jisung grabbed the strings of your hoodie and pulled you close his lips were only a few centimetres from yours

then suddenly you felt his lips on yours

he was soft and hesitant at first waiting for you to pull away

but once you reciprocated the kiss

you could feel him smile as you kissed him back

and your heart warmed as he smiled

then he suddenly deepened the kiss 

and you just melted into his body

all the sexual tension, the unspoken feelings, all of it just exploded

jisung smoothly lifted you into his lap

his hands were on your lower back and his arms were around your waist bringing you as close as possible

not even a paper could slip through the space between you two

you had your arms around his neck and you were running your fingers through his hair

jisung kissed you passionately, your heavy french makeout was extremely steamy and as you two finally you parted for air

you both were breathing heavily and jisung had the most attractive smirk on his face

you breathlessly say with a sweet smile on your face

“i like you too jisung”

my gif use w creds!!

this scenario was an utter mess it combined a shit ton of aus and i wrote it in a rush BUT it was very fluffy and christmassy. i hope all of my readers had a very merry christmas!! be on the lookout in the next 2 days for my seungmin fic (which hopefully be better quality), which i just need to edit before it’ll be up!!

i always love to hear feedback and what you guys thought so please don’t be afraid to send me a message, anon or request!!

@geminijimini MERRY CHRISTMAS RAYA!!!! i am so sorry i didn’t reply to your asks the last month or so i was on a mini hiatus. but i hope you liked this, i know it wasn’t exactly what i said but i tried to add the whole winter theme to it and at the very end a mention of star gazing. it was very fluffy though so i really hope you like it!! please message me to tell me if you enjoyed it or not and let’s stay in touch!! lots of love your secret santa, dain ❤️ 

thank you @skzsecretsanta for setting this whole thing up and for providing me an amazing present giver (hehe i loved my ss gift) and receiver!!

[heavenburdened]

GRIEVING, consumed with fear &  mad with loneliness, eden finds  himself more lost than ever ; and  soon, like the distant stars and  constellations he reads about in  books, eden no longer seems to  be part of this world. he imagines  that he is made of the galaxies and  nebulas —— light-years away and  out of mind, out of sight ; drifting  away peacefully in the cold vacuum of space & building his walls up high  —— cementing them there, strong,  as no one, not even once, comes to  break them down. A LONELY PRINCE  TRAPPED IN THE HIGHEST TOWER ;  that’s what eden becomes yet again.  yet he exudes a quiet unassuming  warmth, for he is closer to the sun  up here.

WHY HELLO THERE LOVELIES !!! i’m edie ( 23, she/hers, gmt+11, cat mum, literature nerd & tea enthusiast ) & my cute lil woc ass is so gosh darn excited to be a part of this muh’heckin amazing group ?!!?!?!??!?!?! i’m here with eden lovegrove ( and cha eunwoo’s heaven-sent face ????? can i get an amen ??!!!?? ) ; a #softnsadboi with a rrrrruff past who i’ll be introducing to you all right down below !!!!

DISCLAIMER : this ???????? is a heckin’ 1000-page novel. 2 ur left u will find refreshments n water —— pls stay hydrated whilst you read thru this ! 

[ ! ] CLICK HERE FOR A MOBILE VIEW ( less formatted for easier reading ! ) OF EDEN’S INTRO POST !  

* ╰  APPLICATION !! ❜ ───

✧･ﾟ(   atlas + cha eunwoo + cismale  ) 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒎𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒂 !!  have you seen (   eden lovegrove ) around ? (   he  ) has been in kaos for (   one week   ). the (   twenty-four year old   ) is a (   journalist & freelance writer  ) from (   wisconsin, usa  ). people say they can be (   ascetic   ) but maybe that’s not too bad ‘cause they can also be (   forbearing   ). whenever i think of them, i can’t help but think of (   a wound too great ; that always has been & won’t heal, grief ; consumed by sorrow & mad with loneliness that yet still could not keep the boy from kindness, and softness ; emanating from starlight and filling him full to the bone   ).  ･ﾟ✧ ( penned by edie, 23, gmt+11, she/hers ).

* ╰  STATISTICS !! ❜ ───

basics

BIRTH NAME: eden park ADOPTED NAME: eden lovegrove BIRTH DATE: february 25th, 1995 ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: pisces AGE: twenty-four CURRENT LOCATION: kaos, greece NATIONALITY: american ETHNICITY: south-korean GENDER: cismale SEXUAL ORIENTATION: demisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: homoromantic

background

BIRTH PLACE/HOMETOWN: wisconsin, usa ( birthplace & childhood residence ) —— manhattan, ny, usa ( late adolescence )  SOCIAL CLASS: lower class ( birth ), upperclass ( during late adolescence / adoption ), middle class ( present ) EDUCATION LEVEL: completed a journalism degree with honours at yale FATHER: franklin park MOTHER: dolores park SIBLINGS: matthew park, christopher park FATHER ( ADOPTIVE ): chet lovegrove MOTHER ( ADOPTIVE ): amelia lovegrove  SIBLINGS ( ADOPTIVE ): everett lovegrove OCCUPATION & INCOME PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: journalist ; writing articles for guardian u.s. SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: freelance writing ; prose, poetry, essays, published in zines & online CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB? yes PAST JOBS: bookshop clerk, library assistant, florist SPENDING HABITS: very thrifty ; good at saving MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: a faded photograph of himself and his first love, now passed away

appearance / physical information

FACE CLAIM: cha eunwoo HAIR COLOUR: black EYE COLOUR: brown BUILD: mesomorph DOMINANT HAND: left hand HEIGHT: 183cm WEIGHT: 76kg INK: none PIERCINGS: none ALLERGIES: shellfish DIET: vegetarian

psychology

MBTI: infp ENNEAGRAM: type 2 ; the helper MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good DOMINANT TEMPERAMENT: melancholic PRIMARY INTELLIGENCE TYPE: verbal-linguistic & intrapersonal SOCIABILITY: medium EMOTIONAL STABILITY: stable DRUG USE: no ALCOHOL USE: yes PRONE TO VIOLENCE? no VIRTUES: ardent, profound, forbearing, sagacious VICES: reclusive, distracted, withdrawn, ascetic HOGWARTS HOUSE: ravenclaw ACCENT: manhattan accent FAVOURITES ACTIVITY: reading, baking, knitting, writing, going on walks ANIMAL: cats BEVERAGE: boricha / barley tea COLOUR: powder blue FOOD: yachae sundubu jjigae / spicy soft tofu and vegetable stew CELEBRATION: christmas MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: walking MUSICIANS: keaton henson, flyte, palace, the black skirts, banff, kelsey lu, matt maltese SCENERY: the ocean BOOKS: disoriental by négar djavadi, the uncensored picture of dorian gray by oscar wilde, when i hit you: or, a portrait of the writer as a young wife by meena kandasamy, brother by david chariandy, & 10 minutes 38 seconds in this strange world by elif shafak. 

* ╰  THE STORY !! ❜ ───

eden’s biography is trigger heavy, with the following triggers —— religious fundamentalism, homophobia, racism, physical & emotional abuse.

CHAPTER ONE : THE LONELY PRINCE.

COLOURED BY AMBIGUITY and suspended in an air of INEXACTNESS from the moment he breathed his first breath, eden park was born into the world as a simple PLACE HOLDER between his older and younger brother —— caught in the middle, outshone on both sides, and quite often FORGOTTEN, even as a child.

in amongst frank and dolores park’s hopes and dreams for their eldest and youngest sons, eden learned terribly early on that his existence mattered VERY LITTLE to anyone at all —— for while the youngest son ( matthew ) was doted upon, fussed over and coddled, and the eldest son ( christopher ) was given the responsibility of shouldering the entire burden of the park family name [ a family with important ties to the church community in wisconsin ] ; eden seemed to FADE AWAY into the background —— more an OBSERVER of his family’s comings and goings than an ACTIVE PARTICIPANT in amongst it all. growing up, eden had no particular expectations placed upon him, nor was he deemed any specific role to play ; and so he often spent his time ALONE and off and WANDERING, DRIFTING from interest to interest ; from this to that, biding his time in the absence of his parents who had their hands full with matthew and christopher, and their devotion to the religion that had gotten them through the hardships & aftermath of the korean war.

where his home life was tainted with an estranged apprehension, when eden was old enough to start attending school he discovered that this new part of the world was no sanctuary for him either. his peers pulled at the corners of their eyes whenever he passed, called him yellow, and jeered at the unusual & pungent packed lunches he brought. as the real world gave the young boy no reprieve ; eden turned to books —— opening the covers and crawling inside the pages to feel safe and at peace. with each new page, he would escape the exhaustion of his family life, and the terrors of the society around him would all but fade away. by falling into the quiet blank spaces that separated the printed, parallel lines of black, eden found himself a sanctuary of utter calm and peace ; safe at last from a world that was too cruel and too loud for his heart to bear the burden of. 

and so the days passed & darkened. ballet, books, and an overwhelming sense of BEING ALONE ; eden spent his days growing his mind & heart in SOLITUDE, quite nearly completely HEEDLESS of extremist religious views his parents and siblings propagated as the world spun madly on. eden’s ballet recitals : missed by his parents, morning mass went by without breathing a single word to anyone —— the middle bed, left untucked.  SURROUNDED by so many people and still so estranged, eden never truly was a part of the family he’d soon fatefully grow to HATE.

the only sanctuary of hope and light for eden was the one he found in a friend, then confidante, then lover ; a boy he’d met in ballet class at 8. 

the boy who changed everything for eden. 

the boy he was caught kissing at 16 in the park family’s garden ; blood red roses blooming.

SCREAMING, A BODY BROKEN, AGONY SINKING INTO EDEN’S BONES. 

FADE TO BLACK.

CHAPTER TWO : THE HEART CAN BEAT OR IT CAN BURN.

sixteen years old, and eden awakes to the sight of his lover standing over him with a smile. brown eyes fill with tears of relief & a chest so sore it could burst begins to shake with sobs. the tears clear eden’s vision ; and as he becomes more lucid, the vision of his lover fades away. ALONE IN A HOSPITAL ROOM, the boy scrambles to recollect the series of events that led to his arrival in the emergency room ; something buried deep in the labyrinth of his mind unsettling, warning him, letting him know that he’s not ready to remember. the nurses don’t look him in the eye, and the doctors reek of a sickening mixture of sympathy and pity. everything is raw, and horrid, and lonely, and eden can’t quite figure out the reason behind why his heart feels so terribly broken.

after three sleepless days and nights, a social worker visits eden —— relaying to him the chain of events that led to his broken body & weakened soul. the social worker tells eden of how he and his lover had been caught kissing among the flowers —— she tells eden of how his brother, matthew, had discovered them. then she tells eden of how his family had hatefully beat the only person he had ever loved into a coma ; and how when their rage had still not been satisfied, in a fury, they turned on their own son and brother.

THE WOUND IS TOO GREAT —— it always has been & it won’t heal, and eden’s cries rip through the hospital ward like a scream of agony. his tears make him tremble so violently he feels as if he were a rainstorm shook by lightning.

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the recovery is a long & arduous one. knees grazed scarlet —— every night, eden PRAYS. he prays for his lover, he prays for his family, and he prays for god to change him ; to save him ; to cleanse him of his sin ; black, purple & blue covering every inch of his soft skin. most of all, though, eden prays that the loneliness and pain that grows inside his heart like a disease will cease spreading ; the boy’s pillow stained with tears as he cries himself to sleep each night. 

mutilated, torn, tortured & etched away at, eden is alive, but he is nothing but a hollow body ; a home for little more than an agonised, sorrow-drenched soul.

just one week after the incident, eden’s partner passes away ; and eden is taken into the care of the state —— never to hear from his parents or brothers again ; safe at last from them. 

CHAPTER THREE : I WILL NOT RAISE HELL; HAVE WE NOT ALL ALREADY SUFFERED ENOUGH? I WILL RAISE MY VOICE, AND I WILL RAISE CONSCIOUSNESS. 

ten months after the incident, eden is adopted into a family by the name of lovegrove —— a family tainted with far too much darkness for eden to ever call home. the lovegroves are an all-american, white family with ties to the republican party ; with the head of the family, chet lovegrove, having strong political aspirations. the lovegroves adopt eden into the family as a move for positive press, believing that having a person of colour adopted into the family will make for a more empathetic family narrative. 

and so it goes that eden park is given the new name of eden lovegrove, and once again, THE WORLD SPINS MADLY ON. while under the gaze of the public-eye chet and amelia lovegrove parade their new son eden around as if he were the sole pride of the family ( much to the chagrin of everett, the lovegrove’s biological son ), behind closed doors, they stand back and do nothing as everett calls eden words like chink, faggot, gook, fruitcake and coolie ; disdain and disgust dropping from every syllable like venom.

grieving, consumed with fear & mad with loneliness, eden finds himself more lost than ever ; and soon, like the distant stars and constellations he reads about in books, eden no longer seems to be part of this world. he imagines that he is made of the galaxies and nebulas —— light-years away and out of mind, out of sight ; drifting away peacefully in the cold vacuum of space & building his walls up high —— cementing them there, strong, as no one, not even once, comes to break them down. A LONELY PRINCE TRAPPED IN THE HIGHEST TOWER ; that’s what eden becomes yet again. yet he exudes a quiet unassuming warmth, for he is closer to the sun up here.

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as eden grows from adolescence to adulthood —— though he leaves ballet in the past, where memories too painful to bear the burden of have no risk of being dredged up —— his love for books and writing never waivers even in the slightest. literature helps him understand himself as he comes to terms with the world around him, and writing helps him find a voice in a world where people keep trying to tell him what he ought to be. traumatised, a foreigner, a faggot, a stranger amongst his own family. an outcast, an orphan, a charity case. with his pen as a sword ; ink running like blood, eden finds his voice —— learning to use it to speak words of love and truth in a world that has only ever been cruel to him ; raising his voice so that it can be a light in the darkness. 

high society life tastes bitter upon eden’s kind palette ; and though he is treated with nothing but malice within lovegrove manor or the high society around him, eden endures the trials and tribulations of his new life in order to use his predicament for his own benefit. rather than fixating on the cruelties of his adoptive family, eden decides to focus instead on the opportunities that have presented themselves ; using the money and the connections that the lovegroves possess in order to grow into someone that his lover, lost in wisconsin but forever in his heart, can be proud of. 

a quiet renegade, eden decides to pursue journalism, graduating with honours from yale ; becoming a questioner of the common, and using his compassion and kindness and his love for words to grow into a safe-harbour for the voiceless. his first piece, an exposé on the callous and tokenistic life he has lived with the lovegroves, leaves him branded as a traitor by the family that took him in for their own devices ; and finally, after being cast out in shame, eden finds himself free at last. 

the name lovegrove suits him well, however ; love becoming him, love consuming him —— and so he keeps his adoptive surname, wearing it like a battle wound for all the world to see. writing of people’s stories, in search of the truth, kind, but lonely, this is the way that eden lovegrove spends his days. 

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ink-stained fingers & a sorrow-drenched soul that only wants to heal ; the stars, the moon, a study of the human condition through prose and endless essays. a journalist at guardian u.s., and a freelance writer, eden lovegrove is an ink splatter of words thrown against kaleidoscopic feelings —— messy, hurt, lost, ardent, sincere, broken, human, and so much stronger than he knows.

WHERE ONE STORY ENDS, ANOTHER BEGINS : ATLAS IN OLYMPUS.

“ SOMETIMES I GET THESE VISIONS — HORRIBLE VISIONS OF INEXPLICABLE VIOLENCE, GRIEF & SORROW [ … ] LIKE REMNANTS OF A PAST LIFE BLEEDING INTO MY PRESENT. ”

over the course of the past six months, eden has started experiencing some truly horrendous nightmares —— these terrors sometimes even creeping past the border of sleep, haunting him in visions during hours of waking. 

trauma from the park household, trauma from the lovegrove family ; that’s what eden believes, and that’s what his therapist believes. how could they know that these visions are actually coming from a past life ? one where eden was condemned to hold up the celestial heavens for eternity, as atlas. 

“ TAKE A BREAK, SON. A VACATION. THE WORLD WILL STILL BE HERE TO WRITE ABOUT WHEN YOU GET BACK.  YOU GOT A GIRL ? TAKE HER SOME  PLACE NICE. ”

eden doesn’t know how to tell his editor that he’s never had a girl, and nor will he ever. but the vacation doesn’t sound like too terrible an idea —— so eden packs up his belongings, and asks a man at the airport counter what the cheapest & earliest flight to someplace nice would be. KAOS, the man says. the island of kaos. and just like that, atlas finds his way to olympus. 

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eden’s toes curl gently into a horizon of golden sands ; soft waves lapping at his feet as he relearns how to breathe. a softness emanates from the setting sun ; filling the broken man, full, to the bone. the world is wide —— and for the first time in his life, on this strange and beautiful island called kaos, eden feels like he might be in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. 

since arriving in kaos one week ago eden’s nightmares have been getting worse ; and the visions, strange, violent, and full of glimpses of sorrow, split his head with migraines —— yet curiously, eden does not feel as if he is breaking  —— on the contrary, it feels as if he is on the very edge of awakening.

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–— AAAAAND, SCENE !!!!

 i’ll get to posting some replies to starters & interacting tomorrow ( because i’m eXHAUSTED after an excruciatingly horrendous day at work today ), but please like this post if you’d like to plot something up ??? OR LITERALLY JUST slide into my dms and throw headcanons for our muses at me pls ?! bc i’m awfully awkward and idk ?? how ?? to aPPROACH PEOPLE for plotting !!!!!

okie bye i’m going to go make some dinner and then shall slumber for 2000 years, but ilu all already and am so excited !!!! to start !!!! writing !!!!!

[prettieparker86]

In The Bleak Midwinter || Part 6

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12 & Part 13

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warning: Character death & adult content

Gif Credit: @ txepulin, @shelby-tommy, @ckare, @ smallestdeath Thank you for allowing me to use your gifs!

Tag: @lainey-lane​, @pindlemouse, @thelastemzy, @helloandreabeth, @fandoms-broke-my-life, @taylxr0, @shelbysbushblog, @accio-witty-username, @iamtheonewhocares, @infinitelycharmed23, @kingsmanstories, @shelby-gin-limited, @taylxr0, @sympathyfortheblinderdevil, @neversleeping4am, @icebluegriffin  @johhnshelby If you left a message I tagged you. If you don’t want that just let me know. And If you want to be tagged in the future let me know.

Note:   This chapter is based around the opening scene in 4.02, naked by the window, in the tub.  This could definitely be a hard chapter to read. And I really tired to capture the gravity of the situation both between Fiona and Tommy, but also John. So I hope that comes through. This chapter is far beyond my comfort zone. I’m not comfortable writing adult content and I’m definitely not confident about it. That’s part of the reason I’m really trying to push myself as a write with this chapter. 

I want to give a special thanks to two people who were crucial with this chapter. @tommysmutnothingbut Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some pointers. This chapter is nothing like your incredible work, but I really tried to take your suggestions and apply them. Let’s just say I definitely had my fair share to drink when I wrote it ;) Also, @lainey-lane, My editor. I couldn’t have written this without you. You know it scared me shitless so thank you for reading it and giving me honest feedback! And always having my back!

Both these ladies are incredible writers as well, so if you haven’t checked out their work, I highly recommend it.

As always Comments, Likes, and Reblogs are greatly appreciated! Thank you to everyone who supports this story! Without you, I probably wouldn’t write it or at least not post it lol. This one goes out to the 900 followers I some how managed to get. Don’t know how that happened, but you fucking rock!

You arrive back in Small Health early in the morning, when the smoke from the factories and chimneys mixes with the fog coming off the canals and leaves the smoke laced air heavy like dew in your lungs. It sticks to your clothes and your skin like dirt that’s hard to wash off. 

Everything’s painted dark like soot, not even the morning rays can soften as the sky looms a hazy shade of greyish yellow. Whistles blow all around you for the factories as a horse and cart trot on by. 

You half expect a drunken man to stumble past you, trying to beat the rising sun, but no one dares come near you this time, not with Tommy Shelby by your side. 

You never imagined coming back here to stay. You’ll never miss this place.

You barely make it back to Small Heath before word reaches you of the tragedy that’s unfolded. 

It’s chaos, Arthur is nearly inconsolable when he arrives to tell Tommy. Even with Linda by his side, his words slip out past a choked breath, eyes heavy with tears, face crinkled with lines. 

Tommy’s composed even in the eye of the storm, as Ada trembles, biting at her lip to hold back tears, while Linda asks a flurry of questions no one bothers to answer. 

Tommy doesn’t blink - he commands. Barking orders, and suddenly you’re all headed to the hospital, even you and the children, because he doesn’t want to leave you alone and there isn’t time to round up men, he needs them to guard Michael.

But you see it, as you ride off to the hospital, the boys tired weary eyes staring back at you from the backseat, exhausted from the long night and confused over why everyone is crying. 

You see it as you glance over at Tommy in the driver’s seat, his knuckles white as they grip at the steering wheel, gaze focused, eyes barely blinking… Everyone’s heart is broken.

The news is only confirmed at the hospital - John is dead, Michael gravely wounded.

Polly is like a winter storm blowing in heavy from the east. She hollers and cries, you hear her voice billowing out from the hallway, past the swinging blues door where Tommy told you to stay and wait with the children.

“What are you doing here?” Linda asks as the storm rages on around you.

Her question ripping your attention away from the wails echoing out from the long white hall. You turn to her, taking in the pale color of her skin, more pale than you ever remember.

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly with a quick sigh. Your gaze drifting down to the multicolored tiled floor where the boys play with a handful of tinker toys you managed to grab before you left for the hospital. Playing quietly, but not blind to the pain unfolding around them. 

You suddenly, don’t know how you’re going to break to them Christmas isn’t coming today, or that John is gone.

“I don’t know…” You numbly repeat, your gaze returning to that long white hall.

You console Polly the best you can like Tommy asked. Rubbing your hands up and down along her arms as you listen to the flurry of words and demands she makes, that Michael will be alright, he’ll be ok. 

You don’t know what to say, you don’t know anything in that moment, but you are a mother and that alone stirs an empathy deep from within you. You can’t imagine what you’d do if something ever happened to Finn.

“He’s strong Polly. Strong like you. He’s gonna pull through.” You assure her, giving her arms a strong squeeze as she finally meets your eyes. 

You’ll always feel a connection to this woman, this fearless strong woman who saved your life and your son’s with her generosity, but looking at her now you hardly recognize her.

She looks at you, her son’s blood smear on her nice fir lined coat, beautiful in her cloche hat and ringlet curl as she stares at you with eyes swollen from too many tears, her pupil wild and unhinged as she meets your gaze.

“If he- If he-“ Her voice starts to waiver and crack, the sound of it alone shatters your heart more deeply than it’s already broken.

You pull her desperately into your arms, clutching her close. “He won’t.” You swear it. “He won’t.”

You’ve lost track of time and space until you see Esme come charging in, her heels clicking heavily against the tile with her quick step. 

Her dark eyes look frantic even from a distance, her hair half pinned, the other hanging loose and frayed about her face like a bird’s nest, her husband’s blood still smeared across her hands and cheek. 

You notice she has only half of the brood with her today as you rise from the bench on her approach. 

You barely know the woman. Only met her a time or two briefly, but you want to say something, feel you should say something, but the words never form on your tongue as she leaves the children at your side, next to Charlie and slips past you as if you weren’t there at all.

It’s only when she returns sometime later to fetch the children that you find your tongue.

“Esme,” You breathe heavily off your lips.

She meets your gaze, haunting brown eyes, make-up smeared down beneath her lashes. The grief and emptiness in her eyes steals your breath as your head shakes slowly.

“I’m so sorry.” You manage to say.

Motioning for the kids to rise she looks you dead in the eye, her gaze sharp and unyielding.

“This family’s cursed.  ‘Specially Tommy. If yer smart, you’ll take yer boy an’ run as far away from here as yeah can.” She warns you, like a fortune teller revealing your terrible fate. 

Then she turns from you, scooping up little ones as she motions the others along. Before she’s gone, like a mirage disappearing on the horizon.

A part of you wonders if you should go, but you know in your heart you can’t leave him.

 Your there all day it feels like, people coming and going past those swinging doors as you do your best to keep the boys preoccupied. 

Your own nerves rattled and shot as your heart hangs heavy in your chest, trying to wrap your mind around a tragedy that’s too big to grasp.

You don’t know what time it is when Tommy returns. Your back stiff, butt numb from sitting on that wooden bench for too long. 

It’s his eyes that catch you first on approach. Those eyes of his, deeper than any you’ve ever known, they stare at you more hollow than you’ve ever seen, blinding against the stark white hall he descends from. His face a tapestry of sharp edges and shadows.

You rise quickly from the bench to meet him. Smoothing out the wrinkles on your skirt as you rise.

You can’t stop yourself as you go to him, your hand finding his cheek, touching the sharp bone softly as those hollow eyes shallow you up on sight.

“Tommy,” You call softly to him with concern, your heart breaking all over again with the sight him, the unspoken pain radiating from his eyes.

Taking your hand, he pulls it from his face, but clutches it tight.

“Let’s go.” He says simply, his voice raspy like a strained whisper. 

No explanations, no details, and you accept that, given the circumstance, he owes you nothing right now, as you round up the boys and leave as quickly as you came.

You pull together dinner, if you could call it that - Christmas is ruined, a dark cloud over a treasured day. A permanent stain today will always be remembered by.

“What about Christmas mum?” Finn asks over supper, picking at the sandwiches Linda so generously brought over for the children. His big green eyes staring at you from across the table like a deer caught in the crosshairs.

Little ones eager for presents, Charlie’s quick to chime in, his big worried eyes scanning between Tommy and yourself.  “Did Santa forget us?”

Your eyes fall to Tommy beside you at the table, but his lips are mute, gaze strained and miles away as he pulls heavily at his cigarette. Swiftly downing the rest of the whiskey in his glass, before rising unceremoniously from the chair to pour himself another.

Your heart is unbearably heavy as you look back at your boys. Their big eyes awaiting your answer. You haven’t told them about uncle John yet. You’ve been waiting for Tommy to take the lead, but you can see it in his eyes, he isn’t ready to say the words aloud.

With a sad smile and heavy tired eyes, you try your best. 

“Santa didn’t forget you, my loves. Something came up is all. He’ll be here tomorrow. Tomorrow we’ll celebrate Christmas. Now finish up your supper now.”

Making what little promises you can to ease their worried minds. You can see in their big tender eyes, it’s more than the absence of Christmas. 

It’s the sadness in the eyes of everyone around them. The pain hanging heavy in the room. They’re in need of comfort, reassurance and you give it the best you can.

It’s only after supper, after you’ve sipped away at far too much of Tommy’s open bottle of whiskey that the weight and truth of today find you. 

Bringing plates to the sink it hits you like a blow to your gut… John’s gone. Died on his own doorstep, in his wife’s arms on Christmas morning. 

Tears burn heavy in your eyes, but you don’t understand. The loss is great – yes. The magnitude of this tragedy unbearable, but you barely knew him. 

That’s when it hits you - he was like Finn to you in your mind and heart. And with his loss comes an old familiar festering pain of your own.

You brace your hands heavily against the sink to steady yourself as a sharp gasp leaves your lips. Shuttering and quaking up your chest as your throat tightens and tears you can no longer hold in begin to spill free.

“Yeah alright, mum?” You hear Finn call with concern from the table behind you.

You hear a chair slide against the wooden floorboards and heavy steps move your way as a wave of tears and grief wash over you.

“She’s alright, Finn. Take Charlie and go upstairs, get ready for bed. Behave an’ you both can open a present before bed.” Tommy’s voice fills your ears. 

So close, and radiating, you practically feel it blowing against your hair before it’s masked by the sound of little feet dashing and scurrying across the floors, pounding up the stairs.

“Come ‘ere, come ‘ere.” Tommy commands on a low whisper as you feel his arms wrap around your shoulders and pull you to him.

You bury your face against his chest, his strong arms winding securely around you, pulling you to him as a sob quakes and rattles its way up your chest and past your lips.

You never got to mourn your brother, not properly. You had a small child to care for, to keep alive. Finn was barely four and you were suddenly on your own. 

One of your brother’s old war comrades took you in, let you stay with his family while you figured things out, but there was no mistaking it, you were alone in the world. 

You and Finn against the savagery and brutality that canvased the streets of Small Health. You had to survive and for that reason, you buried your brother and moved on. But some losses never leave you…

It wasn’t until this moment, reminded of his death in the face of John’s, the loss of your brother mixing with the tragedy of John’s death, finally you broke. 

Your hands clutch and fist at Tommy’s shirt as he holds you close, his lips pressed against the crown of your head, his voice a deep husky whisper against your hair.

“It’s alright, Fee. It’s alright.” He whispers.

It’s then you feel heavy with guilt, Tommy has lost his brother and here you are, the one in tears. Pulling back from his embrace, you wipe the tears quickly from your eyes.

Pulling yourself together, you make yourself strong like you’ve had to so many times before. 

Rising on your toes to reach for him, you look into Tommy’s sad eyes as you slip your arms behind his neck and pull him into a tight hug.

 The pain was undeniable in his eyes and surely compounded by all the things he’ll never get to say to John, the amends he never got to make.

“I’m so sorry Tommy. I’m so sorry.” You whisper softly against his ear, holding him close as you feel him slowly give in, slowly bury his face against your neck.

“I know how much you loved John.”

You can hear his breath grow heavy as strongly as you can feel it vibrating off against your neck. You feel his arms clutch you tighter at your waist, his hand running slowly up your spine as he draws your body flush against him.

Your skin heats up, your breath quickens with the closeness. The heat of his body seeping past his cloths and into yours from such close range.

“It’s ok,” You whisper, your words barely audible they’re so faint as you stroke the back of his head, hair pricking at your palm as you feel Tommy’s heavy breath waver against your neck, his muscles tighten around you.

But just as quickly as you have him, he’s pulling away like smoke in the wind. You see tears shine in his eyes before he quickly pinches at them to cast them away. Composing himself, killing his feelings like no one does better.

“I’ll get the presents.” He says vaguely, clearing his throat, finding any excuse to escape this moment as he slips from your side and leaves the room. 

It breaks your heart, but as you know all too well, there’s no cure for grief and you accept he simply isn’t ready.

“Present! Present!” You hear echoing down the stairs to the rhythm of little feet trotting down old wooden steps.

You turn toward the boys as they reappear, anxiously awaiting their prize with barely contained excited. The sight of them draws the first smile on your face for the day. 

Seeing that light in their eyes nothing can extinguish, watching in amusement as they fidget and squirm barely able to contain themselves. At least there’s this, this beauty not even the horrors of today can steal from Christmas.

You’re drunk, plain and simple. You lost track of how many swings you took from Tommy’s bottle and you can’t recall if you’ve eaten anything today, but at least you had enough sense to put the children to bed. 

Careful not to wake them as you picked them up one by one off the floor where they tuckered out after all the chaos at the hospital and playing with their new toy. 

Takin’ them upstairs, you placed them together in the bed meant for you and Finn. Figurin’ they’d feel safer together tonight, before going in search of Tommy. You lost sight of him after the boys opened their present, but you let him be, figuring he needed a little time and space.

You find him in the room he told you use to be his when you all arrived early in the morning. He’s standing by the window, tall and commanding, gazing out into the darkness beyond.

He turns around with the sound of you. Your eyes meet as you wrap your arms around yourself.

“The boys are tucked in bed in the next room.” You tell him quietly.

He nods with understanding. “And you?”

“Thought yeah might like some company.” You say, with a light shrug, suddenly not as confident about comin’ in here after him, but you had felt in your heart, still do, he shouldn’t be alone right now. Not after today.

Tommy turns from the window, staring at you with eyes as deep and hollow as the day’s events.

“I was ‘bout to wash up. Care to join me?” He says, his face serious as a stone as if what he’s just asked you isn’t utterly salacious.

The whiskey makes you snort when you laugh in response, your eyes surveying the room and finally noticing the copper washtub by the fireplace, steam rising off it.

“No,” You answer, smile tugging on your lips. Barely the second smile you’ve had all day.

But Tommy doesn’t laugh with you, instead he takes a step toward you.

“Join me.” He says again, his breath far too calm for a man with a request of this magnitude. 

His eyes reaching for you, practically sinking tethers into your belly and pulling you to him.

Tommy’s been drinking. He’s probably had twice what you have, but he still looks more sober on his feet than you. But you’re not fooled, you know you’re both drunk.

“No,” You tell him more firmly this time, your voice quiet, your head shaking slowly from side to side.

“Could wash the blood off.” He tells you as he takes another steady step toward you. Your face scrunches in confusion, and Tommy elaborates. “Your hands and hair.”

Looking down, you finally see it, dried underneath your nails. You grab at your hair, finding a few dry matted patches. 

You hadn’t even noticed. You never touched John or Michael, never saw them. You must have gotten it from Polly when you were trying to comfort her or the night before when you found Tommy covered in blood. 

You haven’t gotten a moments peace until now in the last twenty-four hours. After years of quiet, it feels like the whole world is coming at you full speed.

“I’ve seen plenty of naked women, Fiona.” Tommy tells you, his voice suddenly so close as you look up and find him standing right before you. 

His words might have wounded you if you were together, but you’re not, so you don’t let them. 

You understand he’s not trying to hurt you, he’s trying to disarm you, and you meet him with a challenge of your own.

“That may be, but you’ve never seen me naked.” You answer back, meeting his eyes with a challenge of your own.

An amused light touches Tommy’s eyes with your response, sends a smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth. 

But then he’s moving into your personal space, leaning in closer to your face, his voice as intoxicating as the drink burning through your veins.

“Then I’ll close my eyes while you undress and climb in the tub. Just bring yer knees up. I won’t see a thing, love.” He whispers to you, his husky breath warm against your cheeks, winding you up in a way only Tommy can.

Your heart starts to pound, your mind grows fuzzy under the power of his proximity, his smell and the coaxing sound of his voice, as you try desperately to hang onto your last shred of decency.

With eyes closed, afraid to meet his gaze, you shake your head no.

“No Tommy.” You whisper back, hanging by a thread, trying to stay strong.

Then you feel his head fall to yours, pressing lightly. His hand cups your jaw, his thumb brushing against your cheek, as his breath fans against your lips.

“I need yeah, Fee.” His breath is heavy and aching at the end. 

The first real sound you’ve heard him make all night. It reminds you of everything he’s lost today, everything he went through. 

His little brother gunned down on his doorstep on Christmas morning. His cousin in the hospital with an uncertain fate.

And despite every rational reason inside you, you find yourself slowly nodding in agreement, surrendering.

Tommy keeps his word. His eyes stay closed as you nervously strip off your dress and stockings, slipping quickly into the washtub. 

The water is hot, instantly calming and soothing all your tired achy muscles from a day that felt like it went on forever. 

Sinking under the water, you try to rinse any lingering blood and sweat from your hair and face before you come back up and push your back against the washtub. 

Pulling your hair over your shoulders, you draw your knees up tight to your chest and give him the word. 

You shut your eyes as Tommy undresses, even though he never says you have to. Heart pounding hard in your chest, you draw your lower lip nervously between your teeth. 

Your nerves are on edge in anticipation as you feel the water shift around you and listen as Tommy slides in across from you.

You feel his toes brush at yours, the slightest tease of skin to skin. This washtub wasn’t made for two, not like this. 

You hear your breath coming out quick and you find you’re not ready to open your eyes, as you start to second guess your decision. You’ve never bathed with a man before, it’s been years since you were even naked with one.

But then you feel Tommy’s hand brush yours at the edge of washtub, rubbing gently over the back of your hand.

“Relax Fiona. It’s only a bath.” Tommy coaxes you gently, like a horse that’s gone spooked.

Slowly you open your eyes and Tommy fills your vision. It’s only reassurance you see in his piercing blue eyes. 

Releasing your hand, he leans back against the end of the washtub, the back of his head resting on the rounded lip of it as he draws a cigarette to his lips and his eyes fall closed. 

He has far more room than you, but he’s larger, and yet, he still feels so close.

You try to distract yourself from the intimacy of this position. Far more intimate than any you’ve shared with a man in years. 

His tattoo’s catch your eye. You wanna ask Tommy about the ones on his chest and arms. You wonder what they mean, but you’re afraid you shouldn’t be starin’. 

Even though given the current situation that’s a little hard. His body tempts the resolve of your gaze. You can’t help but drink him in. Lean, but strong. His muscles defined, but not intimidated. 

Tommy’s strong, looking at him completely exposed you know he could take you, pin you to a wall or any other surfaces he pleased, but not break you, like some of the men who come out of the factories. Men you fear would snap you like a twig, but not Tommy, he’s cut in all the right places. Places you wish your wandering mind wouldn’t notice so keenly…

“Escaped the fuckin Prussian calvary-“ Tommy speaks up suddenly, catching your attention.

“Got ‘im out of the fuckin trenches, got ‘im home safe in one piece. An’ he dies on his own fuckin doorstep, ‘cause I needed Vincenzo Changrette to pay.” Tommy says low on his breath, words barely audible as he pinches tightly at the bridge of his nose before taking another long pull of his cigarette.

Tommy’s confession absolutely breaks your heart. Admitting what you already presumed, he blames himself for what happened to John. But you see now it’s more than that. 

You remember the story he told you in what feels like life time’s ago now, of the bleak midwinter. You remember Tommy shared he was a superior officer. He did everything he could to get his men and brothers home, get his little brother back safe. 

And for what? So he could be gunned down Christmas morning in front of his wife. The circumstances of it all is unbearable. But there’s no way Tommy could have known it would go down like that and knowing he holds himself responsible pierces through your heart.

“Tommy,” You call, voice breaking with concern as you reach for his hand. 

He squeezes it lightly in return, but never lifts his head off the rim of the tub, never looks your way.

“The water feels good, eh?” Tommy asks, changing the subject, his breath rolling off in a way that tells you that conversation is done and he won’t be speaking of it again.

“It’s nice.” You agree, releasing his hand and respecting his wishes even if they break your heart. 

You relax enough to rest your cheek on your arm as it sits along the rim of the washtub. While your other hand skims along the top of the water, the steam rises up around you, clearing out your senses and slowly lulling your mind. 

Mixing with the whiskey heavy in your blood, leaving you relaxed and subdued as you listen to the crackle of the fire at your back, it’s warmth radiating against your bare skin.

You lose track of time, it all begins to slip away, the horrors of the day, the pain in your heart. 

But even in the haze you sense it. Feel his eyes on you before you slowly raise yours to meet his gaze. Those powerful deep blue eyes waiting, ready to capture you. 

Tommy’s looking at you in that way of his, like no one else can. Like you’re the only person in the world. Making you belly coil and senses come alive. He’s so handsome it terrifies you. 

With those deep-set eyes, made ever darker by the rise of his cheekbones, the sharp edge of his jaw, and those lips your tongue still desires to drag against, your teeth to nip at.

After Finn’s father you set feelings of love and desire aside. There’s no room for them in a game of survival. No one, but him has tempted your resolve. No one, but Tommy has made that side of you come back to life. 

His eyes hold you steady and you find yourself sitting in silence, staring into the soul of a tortured man bound to linger among the living long after he’s stopped giving a damn about life and death. A man you’ve so foolishly let yourself fall for. And sometimes you swear he knows it too.

The way he looks at you, it makes your belly flutter, your heart beat faster, and suddenly you’re seventeen again and you know you’re in way over your head, about to do something you can never take back.

Sitting up out of the water, Tommy takes your hand from the rim of the washtub and gently pulls you toward him.

“Come ‘ere.” He whispers, his voice deep and husky, like something from down below come to pull you under.

“No,” You whisper back with a slow shake of your head. Trying to hold on to your good sense.

But Tommy is relentless and he knows you’re weak to him. He knows you want to, he always knows. 

Leaning in closer to you, Tommy tugs you far enough into the middle of the tub for his other hand to slip through your wet hair and pull you close. 

Stripping the breath from your lips as he steals a kiss. Soft and slow, his mouth melting into yours in a way you could swear reveals he’s weak for you too, before he slowly leans back just enough.

“What’d yea say, Fiona?” He tempts, his breath a husky whisper that sends shivers down your spine.

Your eyes open and meet his dark determined pair and you know you’ve lost this battle. You lost it the moment you climbed into this tub. 

You want to fight, but what’s the point? He already has you. He already knows your weakness. 

And looking into his blue eyes, you think you might know his too. 

The heat, and the steam, and the whiskey - after everything that’s already happened today, suddenly his eyes look like damned salvation, like maybe you could heal each other from this pain. 

Drawing your knees slowly down into the water, Tommy’s hand finds your waist, guiding you as you shift positions, his dark steady gaze never leaving yours.

His legs slip past yours, the feel of skin on skin catches your breath for a moment. You find your thighs sliding down along either side of him as Tommy pulls you over to his side of the washtub, the water sloshing about with the movement. 

Lowering onto his lap, your hands settle and curl around the muscles on his shoulders to steady yourself. You feel the length of him already growing firm beneath you and your eyes pinch shut as a shaky breath vibrates off your lips and a shiver runs over your body, out through your spine.

“Tommy,” You let out on a breath shaky from nerves, your hand slipping around the back of his neck, along his short-cropped hair as the other holds steady to the lean muscle of his shoulder, your fingertips tracing the scar on his back. 

You haven’t been with a man in years and the last time you were all he cared about was getting his, you could have been anyone. 

Finn’s father was different, but you’re old enough now to know the intensity of young love is what made that passion burn so hot, but you knew nothing back then, he was your first. 

Now suddenly you find yourself in a whole new league, with a man nearly ten years your senior, torn between mounting desire and uncertainty of the unknown.

But Tommy always seems to read you, and he’s gentle, far more gentle than the man that runs these streets. The man who’s maimed and beaten countless men. 

The hands that touch you feel like they aren’t capable of such atrocities. Only his calluses and unyielding hold of his grip give way to a darker craftsmanship. 

The warm wetness you feel on his hand is soothing as he tenderly cups your cheek once more. While his arm wraps around your back, pulling you closer to his chest in a way that makes you feel safe in his arms.

“It’s ok, Fiona…” He tells you softly, his voice deep and convincing as if he’s promising he won’t let you fall.

Skin to skin you can hardly breathe as you grow drunker off the feel of his strength melting into your softness. 

Opening your eyes, you look deeply into Tommy’s as he rests right before you, your noses brushing lightly at the tip as the water sways around you, and in that moment, you believe him. You believe this is ok. 

What your doing isn’t a mistake you’ll both have to answer for later. A choice not driven by grief and whiskey. Or a hollowness inside you that desires to be filled, but something worth breaking all your rules for. 

And you trust him. Trust him to be here in this moment, while you’re both so broken and exposed. And when Tommy draws your face to his for a slow burning kiss, you never look back.

His kiss burns against your mouth with need, creating a hunger you haven’t felt in so long you nearly forgot you could feel it. 

But as you break apart and look deep into his eyes, you see it again. Tommy hides it well, always pushing it down, but you remember it. It’s that same vulnerable look in his eyes he had when you first started working for him, after Grace died. 

It tells you what some have forgotten, but you already know, Tommy isn’t dead inside, even though he wishes he was. He still feels the crushing weight of his actions. He may not show it often, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t eat him alive.

You run your hands tenderly along the edge of his face as the sight of his pain breaks your heart.

“Tommy,” You breathe out to him as his gaze drops to your body, his hands sweeping your wet hair back behind your shoulders as he begins to slowly caress and explore the shape of you. 

Slipping above and beneath the water, as his palms roam the contours of your curves, his fingertips lingering teasingly on the delicate spots that make you gasp and shiver.

His dark eyes shooting back up to yours as a heavy sigh leaves your lips with the feel of his thumb brushing teasingly against the peak of your nipple, your breast full in his palm. 

Drunk off the moment, there’s hunger in his eyes as his hands work to elicit the same pleasure driven cry from you again and again.

Tommy kisses you hard, devouring the taste of you when he can’t take just watching you melt in his hands any longer. You feel him stroke you along your thigh, his exploration advancing. 

As the kiss breaks apart, the tip of his nose brushes your own, you still see it, slivers of the pain that makes those often unyielding blue eyes look so vulnerable to you now. 

You cup the side of his jaw, running your thumb along the scruff of his cheek, heart heavy with the pain in his stare.

“Tommy,” You call to him softly again. 

But you realize he can’t go there as Tommy’s hand trails up your thigh. The other gripping your hip so you can’t jerk away from his touch as his fingers find your warmth and begin to gently caress you, stealing a gasp of surprise and pleasure from your lips as you finally see this is what Tommy needs. 

You realize this is what he wants. This is what you can give him to ease his pain and yours too as he leans in to steal the gasp from you lips.

The fire continues to burn strong, filling the room with radiating heat that compliments the whiskey humming through your veins, but it’s the passion of Tommy’s kiss and the move of his fingers that really sets you on fire. Curling, finding places inside of you, you swear only his hands can reach. 

He loves to tease you. Loves the way you rock against his palm, hips grinding against him, begging for more.

“Is that the spot?” He toys with you as if he can’t see you’re coming undone. His breath husky and as drunk as you feel as you gasp against into his kiss, consumed by pleasure.

You want to feel him too, discover him, bring Tommy as much pleasure as he’s rushing through your veins. 

Your hand slips from his shoulder, trailing down the valleys and grooves of his chest and taunt abdomen, exploring the feel of his body on your hand as it slips down beneath the water.

It’s the sound Tommy makes when you take ahold of him, the heat of it vibrating against the shell of your ear, sending shivers rippling under your skin. 

The grit of his breath coupled with the feel of Tommy’s fingers pushing faster within you, stroking that sensitive spot that sets your senses on fire, and suddenly you’re coming completely unraveled in his hand. 

Your forehead presses firmly into his as you rock urgently against him trying to chase the high. Your breath ragged and escaping you as your grip tightens around him.

“That’s it,” You hear Tommy whisper to you encouragingly, his breath strangled and heavy as the rhythm of his hand urges you to ride out the high racing through your veins, leaving your body on fire and his name gasping softly off your lips in desperation.

You could stop here, locked in each other’s arms, take each other to the edge and fall off with your hands alone. 

But’s it’s not enough, not nearly enough. And you know it isn’t for Tommy either as he grips your cheek firmly, staring deep into your eyes as you come back down from your release. 

His pupils blown wide, eyes so dark behind heavy lids you could almost swear the flame came from him and not the fireplace at your back.

It’s the way Tommy kisses you, nipping at your neck and jaw before devouring your mouth to fill you with the taste of him. 

His frenzied assault leaves you wanton and rocking against his hand to relieve the pressure that’s suddenly mounting inside you once again. 

His kiss, it moves against you like he’s wanted this, wanted you for far longer than tonight, but tonight he needs you. Needs you to purge him of everything he can’t bear to feel inside any longer. 

And despite trying to push it all away, you want this too. Want to be his. Want Tommy to know you, all of you, even if just for tonight.

As his fingers leave the warmth of you, you have to resist the whimper that quivers at your lip with the loss of him, but as his hand covers yours, stroking the length of him together, you know what’s coming. 

Tommy thrusts inside you as his tongue delves deep within the warm recess of your mouth, drowning your cries as your body envelopes him, your mouth filling with the taste of him as your body does the same.

Your hands wrap wildly around the back of his neck, your forehead pressed firmly into his, your breath short and hitched as your body tenses trying to accommodate him; it’s been years since a man was inside you. 

Tommy clutches you close, his fingers caressing the curve of your hips, breath panting and ragged against your jawline and neck as he peppers you with tender kisses, working your body to relax. 

Tommy grips firmly at your face as your hips start to roll against him, slowly at first, rediscovering the feel of this. 

His fingers curling around the line of your jaw and neck as Tommy seeks out your eyes, staring into those endless pits as if they could reach down to the very fiber of your soul as he fills you completely. 

Water runs off your chin and down along your neck as Tommy grips at your jaw and pushes your head back, moving you as he pleases. 

His lips kiss and nip their way down your neck as you lean back with his assault, the angle arching your back into Tommy as you rock against him, sinking him deeper inside you and leaving an aching gasp of pleasure spilling rapidly from your lips.

Tommy’s kiss picks up its pace as it returns your mouth, stealing the breath right off your lips as your mind wages a war between the need for air and the taste of him against your tongue. 

Your arms clutch him tighter, hands desperately gripping at his neck and down along his back as Tommy takes charge. 

His arm snaked securely around your back as Tommy uses his strength to move you up and down along the length of him as he pleases, the water gliding you faster as his hips thrusting into you in wild tandem. 

There’s a feeling, that same demanding hunger building deep between your thighs once again with every thrust. You chase it, desperate to feel it again and again as it builds every time Tommy pushes deep within you, your bodies colliding. 

Your hips rock frantically against him, following his lead, greedy for that feeling. The kind of pleasure that clouds your thoughts, makes every nerve in your body tingle and spark as it builds and mounts with the promise to explode if only you can catch it.

Water splashes heavily at your back like waves crashing in toward the beach as you and Tommy charge closer toward the edge - lost in each other. 

You know it’s spilling out of the tub onto the old wooden floorboards below, you can hear the heavy drops, but you can’t bring yourself to care as Tommy’s grips your tighter, pulling you back down onto him at the exact moment he’s pushing recklessly into you. Sending a desperate gasp reverberating into his open mouth as a shockwave of pleasure jolts you violently closer to the abyss.

You’ve never felt like this before, not even with Tony. 

Tommy knows your body so well without ever having touched it before. Every button, every itch, his experience reveals itself as he drives you closer and closer to the inevitable edge you’re so hungry to reach. 

With Tommy every sense inside your body is completely on fire. Every sense inside focused on him and what’s building between you. Nothing else matters, the world doesn’t exist. 

Your hands grip desperately at him, breath panting as you steal another kiss he’s all too willing to give. Your hunger for release growing more frantic as Tommy’s hands grip and mold at your flesh. Moving your body in ways that only heighten your pleasure and leave you desperately following his lead in hopes for more.

Your senses flood with the feel of Tommy thrusting within you, filling you till you can hardly breathe. The feel of his hands - moving you, teaching you how to go higher than you ever have before. 

You gasp desperately against his mouth as he lifts you off him slowly only to swiftly pull you back down before you can even catch your breath.

“Tommy-“ You gasp, your body clenching around him as you begin to teeter over the edge.

“Tommy-“ His name keep spilling from your lips and against his as your heart pounds wildly out of control. 

Your breath begs for that undefinable relief you know only he can give you as your clutch wildly at the back of his head, holding him as close as you can get.

You feel Tommy’s hand leave the curve of your back with the desperate plea from your lips, sinking beneath the water before it finds you. 

You gasp sharply, your eyes locked on Tommy’s as the pad of his thumb finds the sensitive bud of your body, tucked tightly between your waring bodies, at the apex of your thighs.

Your fingers dig into his scalp and back, your head pressing firmly into his as you rock frantically against his hand and the length of him, reaching for something just beyond your reach and yet so close. 

A place you feel only he can take you as the swirl of his thumb suddenly sends it charging at you. Your heart pounds beyond control, you can hardly breath, lost in the sensation of Tommy all around you, the fullness of him within you as you feel yourself begin to slip and crumble.

You feel Tommy’s fingers dig into your back, his breath growing deeper and more erratic against your lips as he speaks.

“That’s right, love… Let go.” The husky rich grit of his breath is heavy against your lips, giving you that final push over the edge as you clench your thighs around Tommy, your hips grinding against him as the swirl his thumb drives the madness racing inside you.

Suddenly the world stops as you gasp sharply, Tommy gripping you tight. For a split second everything disappears, blows out around you like a giant explosion far bigger than the first one, only to come crashing back in like a tsunami, washing over you in waves of fire and ecstasy.  

Sparking and burning so hot it blows out your senses as you rock harder against him, listening as your voice gasps out his name as if it’s the only name you know.

You feel Tommy falling apart seconds behind you, your release pushing him over the edge as he grips you tightly against him, the strength of his arms holding you flush to his body. 

Skin against skin, you’re still riding out the explosion pulsing through you, his name pitching off your breath and into Tommy’s ear as his rhythm grows more frantic, more erratic by the second, his breath gasping. 

Tommy’s grip on you grows tighter as he moves you more swiftly against him. You try desperately to find your breath as you feel Tommy’s head fall heavily onto your shoulder, his face in the crook of your neck as your fingers tug at his hair.

A curse rips deep from within his throat, your name following quick behind in a heavy burst of breath against the nape of your neck as you feel his muscles grow tight all around you. As you feel Tommy tense beneath your palms, against your body as he releases into you.

You come down slowly in the grips of a heavy haze. Tommy holds you firmly to him as he slowly sinks deeper into the water. 

Dragging you with him as his head settles along the back lip of the tub. His breath sounds as heavy as yours feels. 

You can feel his heart pounding through his chest beneath you to the same frantic beat yours is moving to. You rest your head against his shoulder, his skin slick from water and sweat. 

Your face settles in the crook of his neck as your body lies sprawled across him. You don’t try to move, you stay like this, with him still inside you, and the hold Tommy has on you tells you he doesn’t want you to go anywhere either. 

Every fiber in your body feels completely spent as your eyes lull closed. Your lips trail lazily against the skin of his neck before you kiss him tenderly.

You hear Tommy spark a cigarette. You listen half in a dream as he pulls at it, listen as the smoke blows free from his lips. 

Your arms winding around him beneath the warm water as your breath slows and deepens. 

He shifts just slightly, his cheek turning into you before his lips press against your brow, while the hand on your back moves lazily along your spine. 

Your lulled by the slow steadying of his breath, the feel of his touch, the inhale and exhale as he pulls from his cigarette, the slow burn of the paper. 

The fire leaves the room warm, but the feel of Tommy beneath you, wrapped around you, leaves you warmer. 

The heaviness of the world and all the pain that awaits you in the morning slowly slips away as your eyes fall closed.

[auk-blogs]

Shitty things that happened when I last went inpatient

At the CSU, I was denied access to my fidget toys (I am autistic AND ADHD) even though I specifically picked out ones that couldn't possibly be harmful - a stuffed animal, a Tangle, a glitter tube, etc.

Every time I tried to inform the nurses at the nurse's station that I was feeling extremely anxious, IF I got their attention at all they would just tell me that "there's colouring pages and puzzles in the dayroom" like. No?? I actually wanted some kind of medication mayhaps a sedative because I was going fucking NUTS

I was denied my ADHD pill, Vyvanse, because and I quote directly, I wasn't "working or studying or anything." No. That's not how it works. I needed that pill in order to think in a coherent manner for more than 2 seconds.

Actually the denial of my Vyvanse might be why I was so goddamn anxious? YOU try not getting anxious when your thoughts are all over the place and just keep getting faster and faster.

The other patients kept playing horribly bloody, violent, and graphic movies. Like WHY do you even HAVE a DVD that has a scene where a pirate has to do abdominal surgery on himself with no anaesthetic?? That's just. That's just pure Trigger(TM) on a shiny DVD.

There was this ONE FUCKING PATIENT. Cheri. I will hate Cheri until the day I die. She managed to always get ahead of me in her wheelchair and she would sit and simper with her watery eyes and her wobbling lip and her wringing hands and this horrible look in her eyes... The nurses always paid more attention to Cheri than me even though I was fucking articulating that HEY I NEED HELP FOR (X) THING and Cheri refused to speak.

Sweater Guy turned my room's light off in the middle of the night. I was insomniac and reading. And also the only patient in my room. Sure it's not a crime or anything but it's really fucking annoying. I wasn't bothering anyone, why not just let me read my book in peace?

For a while the only time I saw the therapist was as she was speedwalking down the hallway to leave for the day every evening. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me.

It wasn't until I finally snapped and told them that I had figured out at least 3 ways to attempt aliven't on that ward that they finally realised that yes, I DID NEED SOME ACTUAL FUCKING HELP.

The CSU led me to believe that the next place I was going to was going to be a long term facility. I took that to mean at least a month if not more. I was ready to finally get some serious help that I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET SINCE THE END OF 2016.

The CSU had a max stay of about 3 days, btw.

Well I got to Peninsula and it turns out that "long term facility" means 5 to 7 day stay. So... Not what I was led to believe.

I was strip searched, I believe is the term. Yes, I was forced to strip pretty much naked to confirm that I wasn't bringing any contraband on my person (despite me checking in voluntarily).

Like I've related before, I was "relieved of" my comfort items - my hardcover journal, some books, and my drawings. The journal and drawings in particular had content I wanted to share with the therapist(s) at Pinensula and I never got to.

When I got anxious about not having my journal/comfort item back, the staff were very apathetic to my literal BEGGING and just basically told me to suck it up and deal with it.

For some reason hardcover books were contraband?? Like what was I gon do, give someone a whack on the head? Anyway they offered me a composition book BUT IT WASN'T MYYYY JOURNAL and as any autistic knows one cannot simply replace a comfort item with a lower quality replacement.

When I, AUK, got too anxious and overwhelmed to deal anymore - Lizzie took over and threw a massive fit. We don't think we got chemically sedated, but we did get hoodwinked into going to a more "secure" ward and then when Lizzie was still pissed off, they manhandled us into a "blank room."

In the new ward, I was relieved of my clothes, my slippers, and pretty much what was left of my dignity. I was made to wear paper scrubs instead of proper clothes.

If I wanted to use the toilet or shower, a nurse would sit at the door with it propped open watching every move I made. No privacy. I eventually only used the bathroom once every morning and only showered once while I was at that ward.

The medication lady (unsure of her status - nurse? Doctor? Idk) refused to keep weaning me off my Lexapro and instead yanked me off it entirely. I'd been on Lexapro for a good while and uh. Ever hear of SSRI withdrawal? It is HORRIBLE. I still think she was totally unprofessional about that and should have fucking known better.

I am overly sensitive to sound and nobody would turn the fucking radio off. (All it played was Christmas music, too. *shudder*)

When I asked for more food, I never got it. I was so freaking hungry by the time I was released.

I'm pretty sure that the coffee was decaf because I got out into the world again and suddenly couldn't handle even half-caf. That means that the nurses were openly lying about the caffeine content - they repeatedly said it was full caffeine coffee.

There were supposed to be groups on that unit but like ...none ever happened? It was like the staff were so busy doing stuff that I couldn't see, that they didn't have time to do their jobs with the patients.

Did I mention that the manhandling left bruises? On my upper arms and also my right buttock from where the men forced me to sit down with all 200 lbs of me onto a concrete floor. Ouchies.

On my discharge notes, somebody wrote a note telling me to stop taking my birth control (which I take to regulate horribly heavy and long periods, not because I am sexually active). The discontinuation of the birth control was never verbalised to me. Never. Not once. There wasn't even an explanation in the note either.

Pinensula put me on what they said was an anti anxiety script but I looked it up and it's actually an antipsychotic. So if you go tell someone that you're anxious, you're psychotic? Like. What? (I understand medications can be used for more than one purpose. But I've been consistently prescribed meds that don't match with my self reported symptoms, and even meds that aren't MEANT to be used for the purpose they were prescribed to me for.)

I got so overstimulated while on the unit that I begged for earplugs. They didn't help at all, even when I combined them with a pillow over my head too. And then they went and turned the radio LOUDER.

(Although not relevant to me, there was this one patient who went ballistic over a hair being on her unpeeled orange ... She had been fiddling with her hair right before eating and she was the only one with that hair texture and colour on the unit... Yeah she threw a fit because she got one of her hairs on her unpeeled orange. Sigh.)

Did I mention that both the CSU and Peninsula are mostly for detoxing people? They just throw detoxing addicts and people who are having purely mental health problems in together. It is a bad system, because people like me who just need mental health support are often triggered by the detoxing addicts, and we get ignored by staff because the detoxing addicts are a higher priority I guess? They're certainly more dramatic.

My mum later told me that she was told that I was likely to be released early because I was "cooperative." Of fucking course I'm cooperative you absolute nitwits, I checked in voluntarily because I've been suicidal for like 16 years and I want some fuckin HELP

My mum tried to bring me a small stuffed dragon as a birthday present (yes, I was inpatient on my birthday). The stuffed toy was not allowed through because it was contraband. FUCKING HOW IS A LITTLE PLUSH DRAGON CONTRABAND? Mum articulated her distress as somethinf like "I just wanted to bring my autistic spawn something stimmy on their birthday" like fucking hell man, don't ever go inpatient if you are neurodivergent because they sure as hell won't allow you to have any coping mechanisms that aren't staying quiet, staring at nothing, and using dried up markers on a badly designed colouring page.

Anyway sorry this got so long. There's probably even more stuff that I forgot about.

Storal of the mory is don't go inpatient in Southeastern Tennessee, kids. You might be fucked up now but they will definitely fuck you up worse.

[thatyorkshireguy-blog]

Familia & Regrets

According to my countdown i’ve had on my phone since July.....I have 11 days and 15hrs until I land in Chile (HOLY SH*T).  Since my last blog post I’ve had to do so many goodbyes already and I have still many to get through! The closest family are the people I have seen recently.

(Fran came over in September to ‘face’ my mum )

I never thought i’d have any regrets because when you do have them, generally it’s too late to do anything about them. However over the years I’ve absolutely sucked ass at being a family member to my own blood. Never went to see my mum as much as I should, or the rest of the family as much as I should. I mean....i’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for Facebook, i’d forget half the birthdays in my life. 

I don’t mean I have ever intentionally hurt them or would never do anything to bring them harm.... I love them. I’ve just never had that ‘MUST SEE THEM’ connection, or must pick up the phone every few days.  My grandma & grandad came to watch pretty much every football game I played but when I hit my early 20′s ..... and when I stopped playing football as much, I stopped seeing them. 

Perhaps too selfishly engrossed in my own world or more obsessed with other people. I can’t put my finger on it.  My single biggest regret is not spending time with the people who helped make and shape me into the guy I am today. We see each other at Christmas, perhaps on a birthday or a special occasion, but very rarely have I visited them simply from ‘I miss you’ point of view.  When I sat there with my mum, brother and his wife the other day, It just hit me like a tonne of bricks that I felt like i’d missed about 10 years of life without them. 

When I went to see my mum she presented me with a bag with two gifts wrapped in Christmas paper..... “Merry Christmas Son..” she said. 

This was the first Christmas In 35 years I am without my mum...my brother....my family. She genuinely looked so sad and this is where things flipped in my head and started to feel what she might be feeling..... I was her baby boy and I was going far away and she couldn’t do anything to stop me......just give me her well wishes. I could feel what she was feeling and this just made me break down. My mum is genuinely scared that when I get on that plane, she will never see her baby boy again! 

However, the biggest emotional hit was to come. I’d missed a present in the bag, like the moment was set for 300% drama increase. My mum and my bro told me to reach into the bag again and open something I had missed. I opened the wrapping and there it was, a family album.  

Every single page that turned was like an emotional punch in the face, memories coming back.... moments i’d forgot existed and moments i didn’t even realise happen or even captured. I previously had perhaps 1 or 2 personal photos of my dad but now I had many. It was incredible....amazing but it also made me feel a little angry and sorry that i’d not given more to these people when i’d given so much to other people in my life. 

My Mum (Julie) & Dad (Dick)

These two as a couple were amazing. Always full of banter and constantly taking the pi** out of each other. I remember just being in awe of them when I was a kid because of how much they showed love to each other.  

My dad was a painter & decorator & my mum worked at the primary school I attended.

Back when my mum was just 15, she had a horrendous accident where she was kicked in the head by a horse. She was in a coma....

What she had to suffer with for the next 10 years wasn’t pleasant. Unfortunately from the accident half her face was smashed up and she lost an eye and received some lasting effects in other areas. My mum had no sense of taste or smell. The poor woman also spent the years where most ladies are starting to really experience life, with people staring at her, calling her names and having to feel normal like everyone else. 

What my mum probably doesn’t realise is how inspirational she really is, and only wish i’d shown her this more. 

Can you imagine after this accident what she would least like to do as a career or hobby? HORSE RIDING right?

Well the crazy lady not only continued her love for horses despite the accident, she went onto be a fully qualified horse riding instructor for several years. I’ve grown up spending my times on farms with these powerful beasts who need to be respected but WOW was my mum both brave and just incredible for achieving what she did given the circumstance.  

Unfortunately when my dad died......so did a huge part of my mum and I think this is the biggest reason I’ve distanced myself. My mum was depressed and in a way, probably still is. You never truly realise how much you miss or love something until it’s gone. I just struggled to cope with that sadness and be there for her how she probably needed. 

My dad....well this guy was my hero. He was a proper man’s man who had a temper and didn’t hold back when dealing with things. 

His friends called him Dick (His name was Frederick) - which as you can imagine going through school with a dad called ‘Dick’ was ....erm......fun. 

Even better when people used to say “So.....Julie loves Dick??? Your mum loves Dick”   Ok ........it’s funny! 

Dicky boy was quite old in terms of going into fatherhood and was older than all the other dads, but he did his utmost to make sure I was looked after and entertained. He was my biggest fan and also my biggest critic.  A Coventry FC football fan, and a lover of Pamela Anderson’s boobs on Baywatch! That was a proper Father & Son bonding programme hahahaha. 

My dad always gave me and my bro two pieces of advice.....

1. Never date or marry a woman with horses - your life is done

2. Never date a woman with big boobs. You’ll have the endless struggle of both staring at them yourself and to watch the rest of the world look at them too. 

Sage advice Father, but myself and my brother have chosen to ignore at least one of them. 

I miss that man every single day and I only wish he could be alive to meet Fran and make my mum happy all over again. 

Finally, i’ll get onto my brother, Shaun.

We are so very different in so many ways but at the same time so similar! Right now is the closest we have ever been, which again is a little sad given the time I’ve chosen to move away. 

(Blurry drunken fun with Shaun last year)

When we became teenagers, it was clear that we didn’t get on that well. Because we have different interests and different personalities we clashed and it led to fighting over friends and time spent in local pubs (We lived in a tiny village where friends were few)

As I got into my 20′s I started to need my bro more and lean on him more when I needed advice or help. Like me.. he had quite a few relationships and experiences in his 20′s but then he met someone who turned his life around. 

Shaun became a husband and a father figure to four young children.  He might not have his own kids but he has played such a big part in making sure all four have turned out amazing.  They all look up to him and have the most incredible bond. Shaun, if you read this..... you really should be proud of who you are and the guy you’ve become. Some blood fathers can’t do anything for their kids or won’t even see their kids, yet you’ve devoted time, money and most of all unconditional love to children that aren’t yours. You’re an incredible guy.

(Here’s my bro’s wedding and his clan from a few years back)

I am so very lucky to have this family around me and I deeply regret not doing more for them, but in turn I hope I can be just like them in what they’ve achieved in family life....and make them proud on my travels & in life. 

Cheers to my family, and cheers to yours. 

[meganmackenzie11]

Brettonio Christmas

Hi guys! Since there isn’t a Christmas episode of Fire or PD, I decided to do a little fanfic. This will be after Ramon’s stabbing and Sylvie and Antonio reuniting and spending their first Christmas together. Enjoy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sylvie walks out of the firehouse after a shift, her bag places firmly on her shoulder and she shoves her hands into her pockets to protect them from the cold. She smiles at Gabby and Matt one final time as they get in their car and drive home, she would be seeing them at Molly’s later for their traditional Christmas drinks. 

After driving back to the apartment she shares with Cruz and Otis, she notices a familiar truck parked outside her building which instantly makes her smile. As she opens her door to exit the car, the person in the truck does the same thing.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you till later.” She comments, walking over to him.

“Well, I got off early and wanted to come see you now.” He replies. Antonio and Sylvie have been back together for a couple months, however they haven’t told anyone about their rekindled relationship, and as much as she loves having him just to herself, the affect of keeping it a secret and sneaking around is definitely taking it’s toll on her. Cruz and Otis are already suspicious and now so is everyone in the firehouse. 

“Am I still coming over later after Molly’s?” She asks.

“Yeah, of course. Speaking of Molly’s, since it’s Christmas I was thinking maybe we tell everyone, about us being back together.” Antonio says and to say this took Sylvie by surprise is a little bit of an understatement. It was Antonio who proposed the idea of keeping their relationship private, not because he was ashamed or anything, but for the very reason he wanted his alone time with Sylvie, without having to answer questions.

“I would love that, but are you sure? You seemed so happy with people not knowing?” She asks and in reply gets a nod.

“Yeah, as much as I love having you all to myself, not having to answer questions and get a thrill out of the sneaking around. I don’t want that to be our relationship and I think enough time has passed for me to realise I’m not going to make the same mistakes twice and this time I’m in it for the long run.” He responds and hearing that causes Sylvie to smile from ear to ear. 

“So, what are you suggesting, we just stand on a table and announce it? Because that’s not really our style.” Sylvie jokes, which also causes Antonio to chuckle. 

“No, I was thinking we just show up together, like we usually would in any other place.” He says, earning a nod from Sylvie. She wraps her arms around his waist and in return, he instinctively wraps his arms around her shoulders and leans down and kisses her. “How about you get ready at my place and we’ll go?” He asks.

“Let me just get my things. I’ll be 2 minutes.” She says and runs up to her apartment to grab the clothes she’s wearing tonight and goes back down to where she left Antonio. They get in his truck and head back to his apartment. Eva wouldn’t be home this weekend as it was her Christmas with her mum this year. 

After a couple of hours, the two are ready and head back out to Antonio’s truck and head to Molly’s. Sylvie can’t help but get a little bit nervous. How would people react to them being back together? And most of all how would they react to finding out it’s been more then 2 months? Especially Gabby, Antonio’s sister and her best friend/partner, who they both tell everything. 

Obviously sensing her nerves, Antonio reaches over and grabs her hand, rubbing circles with his thumb, a motion that has come to be a real comfort for her. She in return gives him a grateful smile and before she knew it, they were parked outside Molly’s. From the truck, Sylvie could already make out Herrmann and Kidd behind the bar and Severide at one of the tables, probably talking to Matt and Gabby. 

Antonio and Sylvie get out of the truck and head to the door, walking in no one seems to notice they’ve arrived, however a minute later Kidd turns and sees them. She smiles for a second, however when she looks and sees Sylvie’s hand intertwined with Antonio’s, the welcoming smile turns into a look of excitement and shock. 

I didn’t take long for everyone else to see Kidd’s changed expression and they all look towards Sylvie and Antonio, Sylvie who has shyly fallen behind Antonio, who doesn’t seem phased the attention at all, gives a small smile. 

“No way!” They hear the voice of Gabby, who is now approaching them. She looks between them. “Since when the hell did this happen?” She questions. 

“A couple of months ago.” Antonio says, handing Sylvie her drink. 

“A couple of months ago?! And you didn’t think to tell me?!” She exclaims.

“We didn’t tell anyone Gabby, we wanted to keep things private, enjoy some time to ourselves.” Antonio simply answers, unphased by the beady eyes of 51 and Intelligence who have now come over to the scene. 

“But I’m your sister and your best friend!” She says, now turning her attention to Sylvie who is taking a sip of her drink. 

“Exactly the reason we didn’t tell you, because you would then tell Matt, who would tell Severide, who would then tell someone else and then it wouldn’t be private. We wanted to have some time to ourselves before we announced and we wanted to be the ones to announce it.” Antonio responds to his sister. 

“Well here’s to something else to celebrate. Sylvie and Antonio.” Herrmann comments and everyone raises their glasses. Antonio hugs Sylvie from behind and the two stay there talking to Gabby, Matt, Voight and Al, when Herrmann grabs everyone’s attention again. 

“Alright everybody! Well another year is drawing to a close and yes it’s been a brutal one, we’ve had a few scary situations, some of us almost lost our lives, some of us almost lost the ones we love most. But here we are, together. And I couldn’t be happier. But, this proves that together as a family, we can get through anything, together we can motivate each other, stand by each other and save this city day in and day out. Merry Christmas everyone!” Herrmann cheers. 

“Merry Christmas!” Everyone cheers and they all go back to talking and messing around. After a couple of hours, Antonio nudges Sylvie who looks at him.

“Lets go, I want to take you somewhere.” He says and she nods, saying goodbye to everyone before leaving. They get back in the truck and drive for 15 minutes when it starts raining, Antonio parks and pulls out an umbrella, putting his arms around Sylvie as they start walking through the park. 

“So, what are we doing in the park?” She asks.

“I just wanted you to myself again.” He says causing her to laugh. “Also, I have a Christmas present I want to give you now.” 

“OK.” She says and watches as Antonio pulls out a little box from his pocket and takes it from him. She opens it and her face twists in confusion when she sees what it is. “It’s a key?” She says, more like a question.

“Yeah. It’s a key to my apartment.” He comments and Sylvie looks up at him. “Eva’s going off to college soon, Diego’s now in high school and I’m pretty certain we can make this work this time. Because I wasn’t ready last time, but now I am. Almost losing my dad, made me realise how short life is and how quick things change and when I saw you in the hospital and those feelings that never fully went away came back to the surface, I realised I was choosing to stay away from you, even though I didn’t want to. And then the thought of losing you slipped in and I realised I couldn’t let that happen.” He says. 

“So, what are you saying?” Sylvie asks.

“I’m saying you don’t have to move in right away, you can come and go as you please. But when you’re ready, I’ve got the closet waiting for you with your name on it.” He answers. She smiles and leans up kissing him.

“Merry Christmas.” She whispers between kisses. 

“Merry Christmas.” He says back. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

There we go! A Christmas story! I’m so excited to see these two come back, I hope the writers do the right thing and keep them together. They both deserve happiness! Have a wonderful Christmas everyone or whatever holiday you may be celebrating! 

[barbarashershey]

all i want for christmas

Author: @gilliankatic  [x] [x] Rating: T Series: x-files Pairing: mulder/scully

Mulder receives information from one of his confidential sources, the he-has-to-leave-now kind of information. The problem? It’s the holiday season and his relationship with Scully is on the rocks. And, what does William Scully want for Christmas? For his parents to be together.

It was well after midnight when Scully watched the headlights retreat through the window, the street light across the road streaking a fluorescent glow through the tinted glass. Her fingers toyed with the lace fabric of the curtain before allowing it to fall back to its respective place. With a sigh, Scully pulled her coat closer against her shivering frame and made her way towards the kitchen, where her now cool cup of tea sat lonely on the wooden countertop.

She started to wipe down the benches with a linen cloth. What was she going to tell William? He is going to be so disappointed that Mulder isn’t going to make it back in time for them all to open their presents together.

He’d promised that he’d be gone for - at the most - 2 weeks. Including Christmas.

So the days passed quickly with no contact from Mulder. Scully wasn’t surprised, not really, but she couldn’t stop the twinge of disappointment in her stomach stomping down on the butterflies when she closed her empty inbox.

Scully wasn’t the only one who was in a sullen mood, William had been moping about the house since she’d told him that Mulder had to leave for ‘an urgent business trip’ and she’d focused on putting all of her energy into keeping William’s spirits up. But his stubbornness was hereditary, refusing to smile or laugh, the corners of his mouth flickering upwards for a millisecond before drawing his eyebrows together into a scowl once again.

By the end of week one, Scully had resorted to putting on Christmas themed movies in the hopes that at least one of them would bring a smile to his face. Half-way through The Santa Clause, he started to nod off,  his forehead colliding with her arm and drooling onto the green fabric of the christmas jumper she was wearing.

She didn’t mind. It was Mulder’s afteral. She’d donned the material because it smelled like him and she missed him. The ugly print of a cartoon reindeer being abducted with a ufo hovering above it an odd comfort.

She smiled down at William, her stomach riddled in untangable knots of guilt and anger and worry. He mumbled against the crook of her elbow and she smiled softly. But mostly she felt an overwhelming amount of love for the little boy nestled against her.

Scully pressed a palm to the small of William’s shoulder until his body shifted and his head tilted back until he was leaning gently against the back of the couch. Now able to move more freely, she scooted forward and reached for the remote on the coffee table to mute the television. The screen was bright and painted the room in a bright blue hue.

Scully slowly stood and turned towards her sleeping son, she gently brushed a few strands of auburn hair away from his eyes. William was a heavy sleeper and didn’t seem affected by the gentle caress. After a moment Scully rested her knee on the edge of the couch, one arm sliding under his legs and the other craning his neck in support as she lifted him before re-adjusting his head to rest on her shoulder.

William mumbled in his sleep, one arm now wrapped around her neck, but other than that he was undisturbed by her moving him. Now all she had to was make it up those damn steps in her work heels, cursing Mulder - who usually was the one to carry their son to bed and cursing herself for not taking them off earlier. God, he’s heavy.

-

Early the next morning, on the Friday, William came bounding into the kitchen, nearly bowling over his grandmother just inside the archway.

“Careful, William!” Maggie chastises him.

Scully was taking a sip of her third cup of coffee, quirking her lips at William’s embarrassed and slightly bashful gaze. Maggie offered her hand to William asking him if he’d like to help her make some reindeer cookies and his face lit up for the first time since she’d broken the news to him about their changed Christmas plans.

She managed to do some last minute Christmas shopping, grabbing a few items that she’d forgotten to add to her list: mint jelly, the christmas star that had broken and a few items that she’d run out of: cards, cellophane and tape.

Later that night, after an hour of wrapping Scully had just placed a decorative bow on the meticulously wrapped present when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. She not-so-subtly slid the present under her bed, clearly in view when her duvet had been pulled up from the side of the bed. But, she couldn’t do much about it now that the door was creaking open.

The younger woman tucked a strand of fiery red hair behind her ear and breathed a sigh of relief when she realised who it was.

“I thought you were the jolly man himself.” She said with a laugh.

Maggie shook her head, her lips twitching but not acknowledging the poor joke. Her eyes drifted to the foot of the bed where at least a dozen presents were wrapped in plain view from the now open doorway.

She clicked the door shut before making her way over to her daughter and motioning to the bed.

“May I?”

Scully raised an eyebrow, clearly baffled at her mother’s tentativeness.

“Uh… yeah of course.”

Scully moved the wrapping paper, scissors and tape aside so that Maggie could settle herself comfortably on the end of her bed.

She regarded her mother with a raised eyebrow, who was surveying her in a very similar demeanour.

“Is everything okay?” Scully asked slowly, “Where’s William?”

Maggie tugged on Scully’s arm when her daughter stood quickly, quite ready to run from the room and lay eyes on her son.

“He’s fine, Dana,” She tugged on her arm again, “William is sleeping,” and this time Scully allowed her to pull her back down on the edge of the bed.

“What’s going on?” Scully demanded.

Maggie cleared her throat before sliding her fingers into the front of her coat pocket and retrieving a small envelope and holding it out to her daughter. Scully hesitated, looking from the letter and back to her mother, confusion clouding her thoughts.

“He wrote a letter.”

“He? Mulder?!”

Scully turned the envelope over in her hands but at the very familiar chicken scratch writing, she felt a lump form in her throat: To Santa.

“Oh…” She breathed out.

“William wanted me to address it and send it to Santa.”

Turning the envelope back around in her hands, she slid her finger underneath the paper wing and opened it. The blue lined paper was folded over and Scully felt tears begin to prick at her eyes as she read hastily written words, smudges of pencil that showed clear evidence that quite a few tears had fallen whilst her son had written this.

She knew she shouldn’t read it but all parents read their kids letters to santa, right?

The tugging of her heartstrings told her otherwise.

santa.

my name is william scully and i am 7 years old

most kids ask for toys and stuff but all i want for christmas is

my dad to come home.

my mum has been sad and shes been crying, i heard her.

i don’t want her to be sad.

william

Scully felt a reassuring hand squeeze her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, she crumbled in on herself and covered her eyes, tears streaking black tracks down pale cheeks.

“It’s going to be okay, Dana.” Her mother soothed her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Scully hadn’t been able to sleep much that night, her mind repeating the words of the letter back to her over and over again. all i want for Christmas is from my dad to come home. She felt sick to her stomach. My mum has been sad and shes been crying. Children aren’t supposed to be worrying about these kinds of things.

She rolled over onto her side for what must of been the twentieth time since she climbed into bed and eyed her computer sitting on the hardwood desk in the corner.

This was gnawing away at her insides - she had to do something. Huffing out an exasperated sigh, she made a split-second decision.

Sitting albeit impatiently in her computer chair, she tapped her fingers against the desk as it began to hum to life, taking it’s sweet time to start up. Finally, finally, she was able to sign in and connect to the internet. She brought up her emails and not surprisingly there still wasn’t an email from Mulder.

Opening a new message, she began typing wildly, furiously, her frustration boiling over. If anybody looked at her now she wouldn’t be surprised if there was steam coming out of her ears.

I know you need to do this... to follow these leads that seem to almost always lead us nowhere. But William needs you, I need you.

Please come home,

Dana.

p.s: he asked santa to bring you home for christmas.

Scully’s fingers twitched above the keyboard while she read and re-read what she had wrote. It was short, straightforward and got to the point.

Her eyes darted to the corner of the computer screen to check the time: 3:08am. She cursed silently under her breath. It was late, that would have to do. She clicked the send button before she could dwell on it any longer.

-

The last few days leading up to Christmas were intense. She hadn’t heard back from Mulder and that had fuelled her worry and frustration to an intense 8 out of 10. She knew if something bad had happened to him that she would of heard about it by now, probably. But still, no amount of reasoning could get her to think logically when it came to Mulder.

So her emotions kept bouncing between worry and irritability concerning the man who held her heart.

On the Saturday, her mother’s Christmas dinner went off without a hitch, a few close relatives and their kids talking animatedly whilst Scully stared forlornly into her wine glass.

“How are you doing, Dana?” Father McCue asked.

Scully’s fingers traced the stem of her wine glass as she tried to piece together her thoughts well enough to form a coherent sentence. It was the holiday season, nobody wanted to know you’re not having a good time. You pasted on a smile, complimented the host and drank eggnog whilst playing asinine holiday themed games.

“I’m doing fine, thank you Father McCue,” She answered with a small smile and a shrug of her shoulders.

Scully raised the crystal to her lips and took a hearty sip of the red liquid before turning to focus her attention on Father McCue.

“How’s the church?”

The rest of the evening was spent in continual, meaningless, pointless conversations and Scully could feel it starting to take a toll on her. Usually having Mulder there as a buffer meant she could take breaks from the incessant chatter but at least she had William to check in on every now and again and that appeased the crawling ache in her chest.

It was Christmas Eve, finally.

She knew that when a tiny ball of excitement jumped up and down on her bed shrieking.

“It’s Chris’mas eve!!” William squealed, “Eve! Eve! Eve!” He chanted

Scully would of rolled her eyes if she wasn’t so pleased to see William with a wide smile on his lips and bright sparkling eyes filled with barely contained excitement. She had been worried for a moment there. Okay, maybe two moments.

And though, she knew that Mulder wouldn’t be turning up until at least Thursday she was happy that she got to spend the holidays with at least one of her two favourite boys in the world.

As William continued to bounce across her mattress, she flung the covers off and reached for the squirming seven year old and trapped him in a tight embrace.

“Noo!” He wailed, though the wide smile on his face proved otherwise.

Scully chuckled, pulling him down so that she could snuggle him close to her chest. He wiggled to try and get out of her embrace for a good 30 seconds before breathing out an exaggerated sigh and relaxing in her arms.

“What have you been inhaling this morning? A bowl of sugar?”

A figure walked through her open door way at that exact moment with a chuckle, “Might as well have.” Maggie pointed at her grandson who hid his face in the crook of Scully’s shoulder.

“He raided the Christmas cookies.”

Scully let out a faux gasp as though she were shocked to her very core.

“What?! Not the cookies!” She placed her palm against her forehead in mock shock, “What ever shall we do now?”

Maggie clucked her tongue at her daughter in disapproval when William giggled from the safety of Scully’s arms.

“Really, Dana? I suppose you don’t want coffee after all.”

Scully’s eyes widened at the slight threat in her mother’s words.

“I...I mean-” She sputtered as Maggie stood there with her arms crossed and her eyebrow raised in amusement.

Scully’s eyes darted between her mother and the door to her bedroom. There was a pregnant pause and then- releasing her son she dashed towards the door with all the grace of a newborn fawn.

“He’s all yours!” She called as she stumbled through the doorway and made her escape to the kitchen.

Maggie rolled her eyes at her daughter’s child-like behaviour. “She spends too much time around your father.”

William laughed as he crawled underneath the covers, his grin half covered by the duvet.

Scully, William and Maggie spent most of the day re-making the cookies. Maggie kept a hawk-eye on her grandson the whole time, and then her daughter when she caught her sneaking William a cookie on the sly.

She shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips as she turned back to her tea and pretended that she hadn’t caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.

Maggie left Scully and William sometime after lunch to make her way to the afternoon Mass, so that she could deliver some of the treats that they’d made. She pressed a kiss to William’s head and squeezed her daughter’s hand before pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“Are you sure you don’t want to attend the Mass, Dana? I’m sure everybody would love to see you and William.” She prodded, concerned lines pulling between her brows.

“I’m sure.” She replied as William scurried off to his room.

Scully took a step closer towards her mother and spoke quieter, her voice almost a whisper.

“Really. It’s fine. You can go...thank you.” She said sincerely.

Maggie nodded, releasing the grip on Scully’s hands before reaching for the platters that were laid out on the table and making her way out the open doorway.

Scully leaned against the door-frame until the car disappeared from her sight and she let out a quiet breath that she hadn’t even realised she’d been holding in. She clicked the door shut and locked it, just in case, and made her way upstairs to check on William.

She didn’t feel as safe, as secure, when Mulder wasn’t around. She knew how to defend herself and protect her family - past circumstances have proven that. But, the comfort of having him near her felt like a different kind of security that she hadn’t even realised she needed - craved, until he wasn’t able to give that to her.

She dozed off on the couch in the living room for a few hours after having to replace some christmas lights that had started to short out - the room flickering inconsistently in fluorescent lights. She was fairly sure neither of them were epileptic but she didn’t want to take any chances.

Then, she was falling, falling and she couldn’t- no, she was drowning. She couldn’t breathe, the harsh force of the waves were pulling her under. She couldn’t breathe. Her foot got caught between two rocks - digging painfully into the skin of her heel, the waves were still pummelling down against her, she was shaking, shaking. She could hear William calling out to her…

Mum!

Her eyes fluttered shut and the darkness claimed her.

“Wake up!” Scully was still being shaken. “Mum! Wake up!” The voice repeated.

Her eyes shot open and she took a deep breath, as though she were being starved of oxygen. Her lungs were burning, her eyes were watering. She turned her head, eyes darting around the corners of the room to try and access her surroundings.

William’s wide concerned eyes were watching her, biting down on his thumb as he shifted from one foot to another.

She let out a breath. She was home.

William looked at her quizzically as he moved to sit on the corner of the couch.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.

She forced a smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes, tucking an errant strand behind her ear.

“I’m okay.”

His eyebrows raised as though he didn’t believe her.

“Really,” She attempted to reassure him, “It was just a bad dream.”

Scully pressed an open palm to the side of his face, her finger sweeping across his cheekbone before pressing her forehead against his. William nodded, his forehead gently nudging hers.

Pulling away from the warmth of her embrace, William laughed when Scully’s stomach grumbled.

“I think your tummy is trying to tell you something.”

Scully flashed him a grin, a laugh falling from her lips as well, “Yeah. I think so too.”

William set the table whilst Scully busied herself in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of red as she waited for the water on the stove to boil. She decided on peperonata pasta, it was quick and easy and they would be sitting down to eat in under 20 minutes.

She poured William a glass of water before settling down in her respective seat at the dinner table.

Her heart stuttered in her chest.

He’d set the table like he usually did - with 3 place sets. She bit down on her lip, averting her gaze from where Mulder usually sat down on her right side and took a heady sip of her drink.

Dinner was mostly silent, both Scully’s casting their gazes at the current absentees chair every now and again. It wasn’t uncomfortable but it didn’t feel like home. Something was missing. A very important something. A very important someone.

Scully cleared the table and filled the sink to get started on the washing up. She quickly darted to the lounge room to setup a movie for William to watch before returning to the kitchen.

She lost herself within the methodical pace of washing the dishes, it was calming in a way, she didn’t have to think too much. The same method over and over again. Dip, wash, rinse, repeat. Altering the style depending on the size.

Her mind started to wander. Where was Mulder, right now? Was he thinking of them? She looked out the window over the sink and gazed at the twinkling stars. Was he looking at the same stars she was at this very moment?

She shook her head. “Don’t be stupid” She muttered to herself.

Scully retrieved the plug from the sink and started to dry the dishes with a dish towel. She continued drying the dishes and put them away in the cabinet. She then started to wipe down the benches and the table, arranging the items that had been moved about during the day. There was a lot more of a mess than normal: flour in the cracks of the bench, coffee stains on the table, chocolate melted on the stove top.

Once Scully was happy with the end result, she made her way through the archway and towards the lounge room. She must of gotten caught up because it looked like William was nearly at the end of the movie she’d set up.

“Do you want a hot chocolate?” She asked, resting her arms against the back of the couch.

William’s eyes were glued to the screen, sitting right on the edge of his seat.

“What? Uh...no. I’m good. Thanks.”

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t contain the small smile from flickering across her lips.

“Don’t sit too close to the television.”

“I won’t.”

Scully went upstairs and started organising the presents into different sections. She had the presents that they would open at home, the presents she would be taking to her mother’s when she saw Bill, Tara and Matthew. Long distant relatives that she forgot to send greetings cards to. Her present for Skinner. Mulder’s present.

Her fingers traced the simple silver wrapping paper, fingers caressing the corners of the present as she looked for wear and tear marks. There weren’t any. She made a small noise of contentment before turning towards the greeting cards pile that she’d forgotten about.

So, maybe some of her relatives would be giving her the cold shoulder for the first few months of the year because she sent out late cards. She was used to that kind of treatment at work lately, anyway.

After an hour, her wrist started to throb and she heard a knock on her bedroom door.

She stood up quickly and made her way over just as the door opened, the hinges creaked as she held the door with her left hand and leaned against the door frame with her right, blocking most of her room from sight.

“Hey honey, what’s wrong?” She asked.

She was a little nervous, usually Mulder helped her with the hiding of the presents (she wouldn’t let him set his hands on the wrapping paper though...what a tragedy that would be) - so she was kind of out of her element a little bit.

“Nothing.” William shrugged, stifling a yawn with the back of his hand. “I watched a few movies but I think I’m going to go read.”

Scully nodded, reaching out caressing his cheek briefly before he pulled away and started to trudge down the hallway.

“Don’t stay up too late!” She called after him.

The only answer back she got way a slight grumble before his door clicked shut behind him.

How was it her seven year old had such an attitude already? She shuddered to think of what the teenage years would entail.

Scully made her way outside her bedroom and clicked on the hallway light, making her way downstairs and pouring herself another glass of wine. She took a hearty sip and sighed quietly to nothing and nobody in particular.

It had been a rough couple of days, she’d admit that, she may have not planned as well as she was capable of but she had been thoroughly distracted these last few weeks. Nothing but taking care of her son and thinking about Mulder, everything else being put on the back burners.

She sat at the kitchen table for a little while, fingers toying with the ring of condensation at the bottom of her glass before she begrudgingly made her way back up the stairs with a fresh glass of wine to finish what she’d started.

It was late now. She’d stopped at three glasses of wine over the progression of the night, needing to keep her wits about her. The last thing she needed was to write sloppy inebriated happy holidays on the cards.

Scully heard a door shut and her head whipped up at the sound, dropping her pen to the desk with a clatter. She stood still for a moment, waiting, when she didn’t hear anything for a few minutes she moved closer to her bedroom door.

She silently cursed under her breath. Her gun was in the safe downstairs.

Creak.

Creak.

She felt gooseflesh appear on the back on her neck and across her arms as she became hyper aware of her surroundings. It felt like there were loose wires tangling in her stomach. She could do this. You know your goddamn house better than any intruder.

Releasing the breath she’d been holding in, Scully slowly turned the doorknob on her door and pushed it open, she stopped it just before the point where the hinges would squeak.

She sidled her way through the small space and tiptoed the small distance to William’s room to check on him. Scully breathed a sigh of relief after she’d opened the door quietly and saw that he was snoring slightly, undisturbed.

Closing the door, Scully turned around and made her way back in the direction of her bedroom and towards the stairs. The hallway light was dimmed  but most of the lights were off downstairs except for the bathroom and the kitchen. She made sure to avoid certain steps that would alert their intruder to her presence and stuck to the shadows.

It took her about 20 minutes to investigate every room in the house only to discover that she must of been imagining the noises. She sighed in frustration, wiping at the beads of sweat resting against her collarbone.

Paranoid.

Standing in front of the Christmas tree, the lights were dancing against the walls of the room. Scully followed the flickering patterns with a soft smile, enjoying the serenity of the moment.

“Mulder, you must be rubbing off on me.” She muttered.

“Well, not yet.”

Scully whipped around at the sound of the quiet voice behind her, the large figure took a step forward, almost closing the distance between them when she elbowed him in the solar plexus - knocking him backwards and off balance before sweeping her leg underneath him and causing his knees to buckle and crash to the floor landing on his back.

With swift movement, Scully straddled...Santa Claus?

Scully made sure that the man’s movements were constricted by the grip she held his wrists above his head and against the floor. But, quirked an eyebrow in confusion when she felt a chuckle from beneath her, his body shaking in quiet laughter.

“Oh God, Scully.” He sighed, “I should have known better.”

Wait...she knew that voice.

She removed one hand and pressed the other against both wrists before she leaned forward in the semi-darkness and pulled at the beard gently, a shocked expression appearing across her features briefly when it was evident that it was fake.

She snapped the beard back into place and released her hold on Mulder’s wrists before shoving his shoulders hard, she heard the slight thump of his back connecting with the ground and a small smug smile flickered across her lips at the action.

“You asshole!” She hissed quietly.

Mulder chucked again as she stood up and followed her movements, his back already beginning to throb and definitely not in the good way.

Scully pulled her nightgown closer as a chill breeze flowed through one of the screened windows. Mulder moved closer and despite being furious with him, she couldn’t help but gravitate towards the warmth of him behind her.

“Where did you get the costume?” She murmured quietly.

Mulder gently traced the point of Scully’s elbow as another breeze flowed through the window and Scully’s scent invaded his nostrils. It was a welcome intrusion.

“Someone owed me a favour.”

She turned to face him, pressing her body closer to the warmth of his, gently cupping his cheek.

“What are you doing here?” She asked Mulder quietly.

Mulder traced the shell of her ear with this thumb before sliding his fingers against the back of her neck and into the mess of locks there.

“Someone needed me.”

His hand traced the small of her back, warmth bleeding through the fabric of her nightgown as she slowly closed the small distance between them and gently pressed her lips to his. Their kiss was slow and languid until his hand dug against her waist causing a moan to escape from slightly parted lips.

Mulder’s tongue darted into the willing cavern of Scully’s mouth and she sagged in his arms briefly, before turning him and pushing him backwards, the thrumming between her legs fuelling her more than her mind. Scully moved closer to him, framing his face with both of her hands as she gently bit against Mulder’s enticing lower lip, sucking it into her mouth greedily when there was a loud crash!

Mulder’s back had collided with the Christmas tree and sent it flying, as the tree came crashing to the ground Scully lost her footing and toppled on top of Mulder.

The two agents entangled together laughed, their chests still heaving and their legs entangled. It was the lightest she’d felt in weeks and from the flush travelling across Mulder’s face, she dare say it’s the lightest he’s felt too.

“Mum? Why are you on top of Santa Claus?”

[ourmomzone-blog]

When is Enough Enough When it Comes to Our Children - Birthdays and Holidays

Let's face it; our kids have it good - You can find pretty much everything you want in the world of children these days, fulfilling any dream they, or you, have ever had. Assuming you have the money, you can buy scaled-down versions of your clothes, brightly coloured techno-gadgets and even child sized, off-road cars and BMX bikes. There are those who don't have the cash, but don't hold back when it comes to their children. They max out the credit cards and don't worry about it until the New Year. However, when jobs are uncertain, the only practical thing to do is to make changes in how we spend. Out go the social lunches, the take-away cappuccinos and the personal trainer. It would be sensible to extend these cutbacks to our children and teach them a little about fiscal responsibility, but it's not as easily done as said. How people feel about themselves is often tied in with how well they think they are doing at parenting. Too often, and wrongly, that means what they are able to provide materially for their children.

Recession, what recession? - Surprisingly, considering all the doom and gloom we hear, there seem to be many families, with only one working parent and two cars in the driveway, who still manage annual passes to Legoland, two holidays a year planned around what "makes the children happy" and the requisite birthday bash with entertainer and designer cake. That's not me particularly, but I overspend in other ways. I'm sure you can relate. How many times have we headed to the shops to bargain-shop for something we actually need and come back home laden down with bags of cute clothing, the kid's magazines with the crap toy taped to the front cover, or an extra pair of Ugg boots for when their completely impractical white pair gets dirty. The reason given is usually something like "I knew she would love it. I couldn't leave it there." Listen to mothers talking in the school playground and it's clear that people tend to project their own desires onto their children. I'm probably just as guilty of that as anyone else. When we can't justify buying something for ourselves, we fulfil that acquisitive temptation by buying for them instead of ourselves.

The Social Minefield of Birthday Parties - It's with a mildly sicky-stomach feeling when I find envelopes in my children's school bags, out of which pop an average of two birthday invitations a week. I have a new modus operandi; encouraging my children to go only to the parties of friends with whom they actually play, and hoping that not everyone on our own invitation list will actually accept. I have tested the waters a few times with a firm but friendly "I'm sorry, she can't make it that day, but thanks for asking." Putting it into practice is another thing entirely, as I discovered one day while watching my 5-year old son's face as his classmates excitedly leave school for the party which we declined. He is really too young to understand my economy-led pragmatism and take it on himself without regret. While discussing the birthday situation at dinner one evening, we practically fell off our chairs laughing when he announced "You know, Mum, I always like a good party." No matter how careful I have to be, it's good to be reminded that it's not all about the money. For a child, it's about feeling included, getting carried away in the euphoria of celebration and eating cake before dinner. Actually, we adults could use a little of that kind of fun too.

Gifts Galore - Let's do some figures. If you have two children in primary school, in classes of 25 - 30 children, plus a handful of close friends from birth, it makes for a huge haul of birthday gifts entering your house and a considerable amount of money leaving your wallet. I don't want to sound either miserly or ungrateful, but I no longer shop for unique gifts for each of my children's friends unless they are "best." In an effort to cope, we have capped the amount we can spend, while still trying to find something current and of quality. Books, footballs, superhero t-shirts and art materials are a parent's dream and don't languish at the back of the cupboard.

For our own children, strict measures have also been put in place. After watching a friend's child casually toss aside each birthday gift received to see what was in the next package, we returned home and took a good look at what our own children have and don't use. The economical and ecological sides of me are particularly offended by plastic and battery operated waste. Since then, we have all survived no-toy two birthdays in favour of French and tennis lessons, a tree house and a trip to Paris. I wonder whether I am so hell-bent that my kids won't be spoiled by excess, that I actually lean too far into Scrooge-dom. Kids are so savvy these days, picking up on every trend. I understand that Hollister is the new must-have clothing brand and rainbow-hued IPods are ubiquitous. But I was completely unprepared to hear that young children are asking for, and receiving, Blackberries and IPhones for their birthdays.

Pass the Parcel - Have you heard the de-cluttering expert's advice that if you have anything in your closet that you haven't worn in one year, you should get rid of it? On TV, they put the unwanted clothing in a black bin bag and that goes straight down to the charity shop. Use the same principle with the kids. If children receive gifts they do not like, consider giving them to someone else who can get joy out of owning them. Last year my son received three identical Ben10 Omnitrixes because he had an alien-themed party. I suppose I could have tried to exchange two of them at ToysRUs or put them on eBay, but in truth, I find that a time-guzzling nightmare. Just pass the parcel. It's what every sane, budget conscious parent should do. Tell me that you have never recycled a gift to someone else; you'll win my raised eyebrow.

Searching around in the dark for solutions, we sometimes hit on a winner of an idea. We introduced ourselves to the pastor of a local church and joined him and some of his congregation on Christmas Eve wrap up boxes of food and presents from Santa for distribution to low income families. We brought the children so that they could understand how and why our own contribution would help others. I'm pleased to say that the older one "got it" and there were a lot of relevant questions; for a few weeks anyway. However, now when I have to talk to her about sharing, she reminds me of the time she played Secret Santa with her extra toys and games. I can't argue with that.

Note to Self: Don't expect adult reasoning from children. This reminds me of a birthday invitation my daughter received from the manager of our hotel while we were in Bermuda for an extended period of time. Her six year old asked that she receive donations to a hospital children's ward in lieu of presents. Wow! She was sensitive to the concept of charity, no doubt, because she is in a wheelchair herself. It didn't make much impression on our then 3 ½ year old, but I wonder if we could persuade her to do the same for her birthday next month. I could probably get away with it if I applied enough pressure, as she is a sensitive and caring child, but the gesture would really be a product of my adult value system, not hers. My nearly "double-digits" daughter is still innocently starry-eyed about the mystery of what she will receive from her best friends this year. I have no business messing with that.

Hurry Up and Wait - It's never too early for children to be introduced to the concept of giving, but my experience has been that they have a completely different idea than adults about what constitutes "enough" possessions. They aren't bothered by shelves and cupboards that bulge with puzzles, action figures, trinkets, stuffed animals, pictures, Lego pieces and thousands of felt-tip markers. It's the parents who have the agenda to 1) de-clutter, 2) guide their children to develop an understanding of value, and 3) make appropriate decisions. Either that or the parents make the decisions themselves, which influence their children's actions by example.

I am also reminded that birthdays and holidays are magical to children; days when they can be the centre of attention and have wishes come true. For me, and perhaps others, it's like a hurry up and wait scenario. I am keen to teach my children about overabundance, selflessness, budgets and sensibility, but perhaps in too much of a hurry. There are only so many years left that I will see the delight on their cake-smeared faces as they open presents and feel spoiled, for one or two days a year. I believe that they will learn when they are ready. I have to resist making everything into a learning experience and just let it be what it is.

Including Children in Financial Decision-Making is one way to teach them "value for money" principles without hitting them over the head with it. Put your heads together to decide on the size and venue of their birthday parties. Little by little, let children decide how much birthday money to put into a purchase and let them go up to the till with cash so they can see it disappear before their very eyes. Every opportunity they get to act independently feeds their confidence and empowers them to do it again. Celebrate their transaction with praise for their choices. Note their pride and happiness. At about eight years old, they can be given a reasonable budget for treats like magazines, trading cards and snacks. Within the year, they should be able to make decisions about buying birthday gifts for family and friends. They will quickly learn how to make their budget go further, by going for unbranded items or waiting to buy items on sale, just like we do.

[islandpcosjourney]

Unrealistic goals

26th December 2019

As Christmas Day grew to a close, it was the perfect moment to gather my thoughts on whats been on my mind for a few days now – MY FUTURE

My career…….. My family……. Ultimately my life expectanty……….

It might have something to do with the 2yr anniversary of my father’s untimely death looming. It might have something to do with recent decisions my husband and I have made about our future. It might have something to do with the main part of my income being threatened. Or it may simply have something to do with my unhappiness of myself. I’m not talking about my mental health, I’ve dealt with that in many forms over the years. This has been a completely different state of mind recently. I’ve never felt more clear-headed in certain ways. My body has not.

Yesterday I had a very relaxed Christmas. I didn’t get out of my PJs, I didn’t do my make up, I didn’t stress about the Turkey. We just had a simple family day together with a roast turkey dinner in the midst. We had presents, we had Christmas films, we had the Queen’s speech, but it was an altogether different day in that there was no pretending, no fancy dinnerware, no decorations, no preparation really, just simply a day in the house. AND I LOVED IT. I didn’t think that I should as it was a major step backwards from previous Christmases where I made lots of effort in advance to create the perfect day. But is there such a thing? My husband was away working so we didn’t have both families together so I made the decision to just chill out this year, not to stress myself out or rush about – just take it as it comes. My mum took food up with her to help out – pigs in blankets, veg, the desert, snacks etc. The fridge wasn’t bulging as in previous years. It felt very healthy to be so chilled out. Afterall, its just one day!

But still at the back of my mind, was seeing everyone else’s photos/statuses pinging up on my phone. Families altogether looking great together, eating huge meals with large families, playing board games, drinking lots. I’d only managed a dinner! I couldn’t have taken a photo because I looked a state, but I didn’t care. Couldn’t have gone out on a walk or to church aswell as cooking the dinner or opening presents before breakfast, or even manage a proper sit-down breakfast first thing in the morning. What was at the heart of it all? My energy levels.

On Christmas Eve we went to see my Aunt for a “light lunch”. Probably the last time we ate at her house, I was being compliant with my PCOS diet and I was gluten free (she never understood the whole sugar free/low carb thing too so I was never fully compliant) so she apologised for the garlic bread not being GF. I immediately responded with “Oh I’m not GF at the moment” followed by the Qs of “why not?” so I made the excuse that it was easier to be permanently tired while eating “bad foods” rather than feeling amazing mixed with the occasional violently ill episode if I ever ate anything “non compliant”. In some ways its true. I can cope with being tired all the time because I expect it. Being bent over in pain occasionally was harder as I never knew when it was going to hit and it would debilitate me.

Last night in the bath, when I was meant to be switching off for the night, my mind was racing. I realised that I couldn’t continue being permanently tired. I take 2 hours to get ready in the morning so sometimes, to cut down on that time, say if I’ve slept in or decided that its more important to cuddle into hubby when he’s home, I’ll not wash my hair, just sleek it back and that shaves off an hour. But I hate wearing my hair up. But its been happening more and more lately. I also can’t walk far or stand for long because my back gets sore and that prevents me from moving properly for a day or two. That leads me to not being able to hoover regularly or generally clean/tidy up and I hate mess. I’ve become accustomed to it because I can’t do anything about it. I can’t fit as much into 24 hours as I used to as I’m so much slower doing anything. I’ve lost my mojo for eating/cooking properly so I put on weight. And so the viscous cycle continues.

So, all in all, is being permanently tired easier? No! Easier in one sense, the control, the normality of it but not in ANY other way.

Then, my thoughts turn to the years going by, the goals I set and in NO WAY reach. Why? One reason – they’re unrealistic. I bought a lovely novelty Christmas tree dress last year, the biggest the store had, a 14 and I bought it because I planned to be in it this year. HAHAHAHA! I’m a size 20! Maybe last year I was an 18 or so, but losing weight so much that I was going to be a size 14? I was unrealistic! I always see A YEAR as a quantity of time that defines me but I really shouldn’t. I look back a year and think I haven’t made progress about general things, then I look at photos and notice differences, like in the house/décor etc. A year is a long time to make changes yet it goes by so quickly in some respects.

Then my thoughts turn to, what is my goal? Setting goal weights is pointless. I’ve done it many times, it doesn’t work for me. I need something that works for me. Then I think, do I need to set any goals? Not really. But what do I want out of life?

One day I want to be able to do everything that I want to do. Sounds simple? If I have a day off, I want to be able to fit lots into it. Just now, if I have a day off, I tend to spend it recovering from all the exhaustion I’ve suffered during the week. That’s no way to live. That doesn’t help do the washing or clean the bathroom or catch up with anything I need to catch up with!

I want to feel like a 32 yr old not a 92 yr old (although I’m sure some 92 yr olds have lots of energy!). I want to be able to, one day, wake up early to make the breakfast, open stocking presents, get dressed inc. make up, cook a Christmas dinner, watch a bit of Christmas TV, play some board games, do the washing up and still feel like a proper woman – not some shadow of one who can only do one or two tasks a day. Oh and none of this includes children by the way, but if it did………? I’d need even more energy!!

So, my goal is simply to find a way to increase my energy levels. If I eat the right foods, I know I will find my energy levels increasing. Problem is to initially find the energy to eat the right foods, as it takes time prepping every morsel that goes into my mouth. The viscous cycle, the wagon, is difficult to jump onto in the first place.

January 3rd it could all start again – the opportunity to join another 10wk programme where a community of PCOS sufferers could help me to get onto that wagon. I failed at that opportunity last year when it started on the 1st anniversary of my father’s death – the 4th. The 2nd year grieving was far harder than the 1st. People expect you to grieve in the first year & they’re almost prepared for what to say or how to support. The 2nd is when everything is meant to be “back to normal” again. Funny how I didn’t find that to be the case and it ended up being a harder year, a lonelier year. But, I achieved an important bit of closure recently when I finally got his headstone organised and erected. The final task to do. I’d put it off for too long. As soon as it was done, I felt a weight lifted from me. I still cry and think of him every day but ever more increasingly with a smile.

So the realistic goal is............ to increase energy levels. Half of me feels optimistic, the other half of me feels that I’ve just set yet another unrealistic goal.......

[curiouselfqueen]

Holiday (definitely not a) Drabble 8.DONE

For the every patient, kind, effervescent, beautiful @sableunstable

Part 1 .+*.+*.+* Part 2 .+*.+*.+* Part 3 .+*.+*.+* Part 4 .+*.+*.+* Part 5

A/N: This took me so long!!! But it’s done!  It’s sloppy, but it’s done!  Definitely thinking of editing the whole thing and posting it elsewhere. 

Sirius���s stomach dropped.  He hadn’t even had time to register the fact that he was feeling better before he was feeling worse again.  Because James was right. ��Even if Moony didn’t like the gift, there’s no way he would ever let Sirius know.  So he’d never really be sure the gift was well received and second-guess every single birthday, Christmas and anniversary gift he ever got for Remus.  

“Wanker,” he growled under his breath before setting his sights on something guaranteed to be more pleasant.

Remus had looked up at the noise coming from his boyfriend across the room.  The black haired wizard stalked across the room and stood in front of the other on the floor.  Sirius held forward his hand with the butterbeers and Remus watched his wrist turn, offering one of them up.  Trying to keep control over himself, Remus reached out to grab one of the bottles now dripping condensation.  He didn’t graze his fingers along Sirius’s hand, was careful not to touch him at all.  The werewolf focused on the cool touch of the glass on the palm of his hand while he carefully guided his eyes up Sirius’s arm to his shoulder, up his neck, past his lover’s lips until his blue eyes locked in with grey.

They stayed there frozen, breathing heavily for a few moments before Sirius slowly uncurled his finger from the neck of the bottle letting Remus take it. 

Sirius ran a hand through his hair before dropping down onto the rug next to Remus, bunched up close as if the space was crowded, and swung his legs over Remus’s  so that he was practically in his boyfriend’s lap.  He set down his own butterbeer and reached for the one Remus was still holding in his hand.

“Here, let me,” he said as he twisted off the cap and handed it back.

“Sirius, you should get off me,” Remus started, despite his unoccupied hand slowly rising up Sirius’s calf and gripping under his knee.  He was breathing slowly, attempting to control and calm down the wolf so near the surface with the moon a day away.

“No, I won’t.  It’s Christmas,” Sirius replied, reaching out to brush sandy blonde curls off Remus’s forehead.  “For once I am exactly where I want to be, with whom I want to be with,” he said softly, slowly leaning in, but stopping short just before their lips met.  “And I intend to enjoy myself tonight,” he added with a quick glance to Remus’s lips, “thoroughly.”

Just as Remus began moving to close the small distance between them, Sirius pulled away and leaned back on one hand with a smug grin.  At Remus’s growl, he picked up his butterbeer, took a swig, and scooched in even closer.

Hearing James and Peter approaching, Remus quickly rethought his momentary plan of grabbing Sirius’s butterbeer, throwing it in the fire, and taking him right there.

“You’re lucky the others are here right now,” he said lowly.  Leaning in so that his lips were touching Sirius’s ear, he grinned as he heard the stuttered breath.  “But make no mistake, you will pay for being a tease.”

*****

The night continued with more teasing and small glances between Remus and Sirius while the Marauders drank, laughed, ate, played games and relieved the best pranks of the past few years.  James would occasionally nudge Sirius when he caught him fidgeting with his cuff and Peter pretended not to notice Remus staring at the opening in Sirius’s shirt almost constantly.

Breaking a lull in the conversation, Peter declared he needed to be off soon.  “Mum’s making me help with the cooking tomorrow and she gets started much too early in the morning.”

“Presents!” James shouted from where he was lying on the floor.  He rolled over and crawled over to the tree, grabbing his pile to distribute.  The others followed suit, Peter and James tearing into their gifts right away.  As soon as all of his were opened, both given and received, Peter headed out.

With an unsubtle glance to Sirius, James followed.  “I’ll see you out Wormy.  And then I think I’ll just go to bed.  I’m pretty tired… Probably go right to sleep.  Sound asleep… Completely unaware - Oi!” He whipped around to see who had thrown the pillow at his head but was immediately pelted with half a dozen more, pushing him out of the room.

“Git,” Sirius muttered, listening to the pair of footsteps fading away and the crackling fire behind him.  He heard Remus walking up behind him before he felt arms wrapping around his waist and holding him.  Remus was radiating heat; his own personal furnace - which had come in handy many a cold night in the drafty castle.  Though he was quiet, Sirius could tell that Remus wasn’t relaxed.  He leaned his head back on Remus’s chest and tilted his head to the side.  He felt the vibrations in Remus’s chest immediately and shivered when his boyfriend bent down his head to speak in his ear again.

“Are you trying to make up for earlier, Pads?”  Remus was teasing him somehow, and he probably expected an answer but between the drinks and the way he was being held, Sirius couldn’t quite put together what the right response was supposed to be.  The way Remus was slowly rubbing his thumb over Sirius’s stomach while moving the other to interlock their fingers and rub the leather cuff with his other hand wasn’t helping.

Sirius sighed, melting into his boyfriend’s arms a little more and Remus chuckled.  “Are you just happy to have me alone finally, or is that my present in your pocket?” Sirius asked as he wiggled a little bit, earning a full laugh from Remus as he pulled one of his hands away.  Before Sirius could begin pouting, it returned with a long, thin box.

Remus held the box and gently tapped Sirius with it when he didn’t take it right away.  Sirius lifted the box from the werewolf’s hand, which went back around his waist and stared.  The box was shaped almost like a wand box, except that it was shorter and maybe a bit thinner.  It wasn’t wrapped in paper, but instead, a single gold ribbon adorned the black box.

Slipping off the ribbon, Sirius lifted the lid to see two charms sitting in the middle of the box.  One was a golden wolf, resting with its legs tucked under itself, the head up as if it were listening for something.  Sirius ran his finger across the charm, fascinated with the detail of the fur coat, ears, and even the paws.  It looked like Moony.

As his finger brushed along the tail, he reached for the silver charm next to it.  It was a flat disc, hammered to look like the moon.

“They’re charmed,” Remus said softly.  “Turn it over.”

Sirius turned the moon to see a series of numbers on the back.  As he began to tilt his head back, Remus answered the question before it was asked.  “They’re coordinates.  Mine.”  Sirius turned in Remus’s arms, the last bit of tension in his shoulders gone, smiling, and a chuckle threatening to ruin the moment.  “The wolf is charmed too,” Remus continued but stopped when he realized Sirius was straightening up to get closer.  “Which I’ll explain later.”  He was barely able to finish his sentence before their lips were fused together.  Remus felt Sirius smiling, and just as quickly, Sirius was out of his arms, pulling the charms out of the box, tossing it aside.  Realizing the charms were on a long leather cord, he held the necklace out to Remus, spun around and pulled up his hair.  Chuckling, Remus secured the clasp once it was on.

“It’s not a choker?” Sirius teased, as he felt the charm rest on his breastbone.

Remus slowly pulled the necklace back, raising the charm to rest just against Sirius’s throat and said “Well, if you’d like it to be, we can always-” but he was cut short as his love turned around and he saw his wolf resting there against pale skin.

In two seconds Sirius was back in his arms, and he was snogging him within an inch of his life.  Moony wanted this.  Now.

It was only when Sirius began stumbling a bit that they broke apart and realized that they had been moving towards the doorway.

“Going somewhere?” Sirius chuckled.  “You still haven’t opened my gift yet.”

Remus groaned, ran a hand through his hair, and shook his head a bit.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  He turned back and started walking back towards the fire.  “I should have had more of those brownies; I’ve just been so tense and when you liked the gift, and you look so good, I just-”

“Hey, hey…” Sirius said as he caught back up to Remus.  “I wasn’t complaining,” he smirked.

Remus resisted an eye roll but let out a huff and turned to look in the fire.

“Here, Happy Christmas Moony.”  When Remus turned back he saw Sirius with his hand outstretched holding a square box.  “Wrapped it myself,” Sirius added as Remus picked it up and turned it over in his hand.  Eyeing his boyfriend, he brought the package up to his ear and shook it.  

“Oh, c’mon Moony, just open it!”  Smirking, Remus tore the paper to reveal a white box underneath.  He opened it and saw a leather cuff, just like the one Sirius wore.  Except this was new.  It didn’t have any blemishes or frayed corners.  The leather was completely smooth and stiff, completely unworn.

Remus reached into the box, a bit surprised at the simplicity of the gift -- not that it made him like it any less.  It was appropriate, in a way.  He had practically marked Sirius with that necklace and now he’d have something that was trademark Sirius Black.  He could feel Sirius waiting for a response, but his own thoughts were interrupted when he noticed as he pulled the cuff out, it began to change.

Slowly, a few dots began to appear on the leather.  One by one, the freckled the face of the cuff until a shape began to form that struck Remus in the back of his mind.  He should know that shape for some reason… The dots began to expand, turning into what looked like snowflakes, or… Stars.

Remus jerked his head up to look at an almost apprehensive Sirius.

Sirius.

Canis Major.  The dog star.

His star.

“It’s um, it’s got a modified Point Me charm on it, so it’s always pointing towards me,” Sirius said as he began taking a few steps to one side, then the other.  “See?”

Remus looked back down at the cuff and watched the constellation almost imperceptibly shift as Sirius moved.

“Great minds and all that, right?”  Sirius said, now much closer, one hand rubbing his neck.  Remus smiled down at him as he secured the cuff around his wrist, tossed the box and tucked some hair behind Sirius’s ear.

“Thank you, Pads.  I love it.”  He ran his hand along the stubble covered jaw and dropped down to touch the charms hanging from Sirius’s neck.  “Do you like it?  We can change the length if you want, or the-”

“I love it,” Sirius cut him off, placing his hand over Remus’s.  “It’s perfect the way it is.”

“Good.  It suits you.”

Tags I can remember (I’ll add more later): @ash-castle @mechengmama  @for-witchcraft-and-wizardry