#had some big changes this week
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Had a good old 10 min writing session today, which is more than I can say for the past few days
… oops
#update ig#things are chaotic as usual#& I only seem to get more ideas#& more rabbit holes to fall down#I’m trying tho#had some big changes this week#was sick at a restaurant today#but getting back in the swing of things#I hope#writing#AO3#this is an update for an ongoing fic if I haven’t mentioned before#rottmnt#Mikey centric#Ace of Hearts#fan fic writing
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Sometimes I want to bring Morrigan but then I remember I play as a face-tanking rogue and I bring Wynne. Warden Cousland, Morrigan, Wynne / Dragon Age Origins (c) Bioware
#dragon age#dragon age fan art#comic#morrigan#warden cousland#healer#bioware#dao#dragon age origins#hero of ferelden#cousland#wynne#I'm back. I guess.#I did not notice at first but apparently I took a break from tumblr. I've already had several breakdowns over the dashboard.#(turns out I was on the 'for you' tab rather than the 'following' tab. the theme had changed as well. absolutely insufferable.)#I've felt really unconnected for a while but it actually feels better now? as if my tumblr mutuals was the missing link.#very healthy and hot of me ngl#so. I had a two week holiday this year and they were instantly slurped up. it went so fast!#there was this big football thing the week before my holiday - basically teams of teens come from all around the world to play etc.#I heard a girl tell her teammates that 'I'd love to travel on this bus every morning; happy people all around you; just add some music...'#she was also very excited when the bridge opened. the 'happy people' around her sighed bitterly and leaned back for a ten minute wait.#it is thankfully over now. the bus home is no longer stuffed full of football teams. but it's a fun experience for the players etc etc etc#well. in other thrilling news I went to spy on our sister shops during my time off. to see what they do differently. maybe steal some ideas#one store was like an instagram post with fancy teacups and stylish outfits. who knew a second-hand store could be so boring.#the other was like a man-cave with furniture and a passively-aggressive note by the toys stating that 'if u break it u pay. idiot. tnx<3'.#the man-cave was my favourite :)#rant over now! take care and bye etc!
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not the #innerchild of it all but think my 7 and 17 year old selves would absolutely lose! it! to know I’m spending my mid-October Sunday going deep into the woods on a spirit-vision-directed quest to find a mushroom for obscure magical purposes, also my hot boyfriend who I live with packed me lunch (+ I am also a hot boyfriend)
#this season change has had its bumps ft some health shifts and ongoing big structural/personal grief but!#the body’s doing her thing and also on a new herbal regime that’s made chronic pain of the past year nearly……vanish? almost overnight#I managed to fuck! for the first time in months! the other week and it was unexpected and blissfully easy#I can be out a few times a week walking! which is accelerating my practice in weird+great ways and just wasn’t possible before#lotta big existential gratitude coming in waves#I fucking love October#diary
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honestly my main issue is my inability to see things beyond a first and second draft. i need someone to put my shit through the wringer.
#texts.#'i need to make some big changes to DHTM..... but what if i don't?' and then i just. don't. i start working on something new.#orz#i think it's because the unbinding went through 9 revisions and then went nowhere.#so now i'm just. meh. about the rewrite and revisions process.#god knows the wiles got done because my mentor had me jumping on zoom calls every two weeks to do full readthroughs#and the magic of theater usually means i can annotate and change things in real time as people are on stage.#which makes it so much more enjoyable than just sitting in a quiet lonely room and yelling at a computer screen to make prose work.#honestly my writerly issues would be ironed out if i had a designated beta reader i think.
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i think i mentioned that my dad let some guys put film on our windows so they'd reflect the sun a bit more or whatever right....... well they did that yesterday and everything was fine they washed my window and everything but now . i look out and there's a fucking CRACK IN THE GLASS????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
#i#HOW??!??! ?!?!?! “)”)=!=“)=!=!#HOW EVEN#WHAT THE FUCK#WHAT THEEE ACTUAL FUCK#IT'S SO FUCKING BIG TOOOO?!?!?!??!?#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#oh my god they're gonna have to take the whole thing out and then there's gonna be some more fucked up renovation shit going on#it never goes well#literally never#cue when they were doing the whole building and then they had to change our radiators and what had to be like a week long thing turned#into a few month thing#and i had to live in the living room for the entire time#and you might think that this is just a window but oh my god#they're gonna fuck it up they're gonna tear my walls apart again#oh this made me really sad actually wow#my dad was so chill abt it though😭😭😭😭#i'm standing there next to him like how how how did that happen what now how are they gonnafix it#and he just went ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#“idk”#jhdsgagdhsghdhsaghgdas#PLEAAASEEEE SIRR YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ARE YOU A DAD OR NOT DAMNNN#ahhhhhhh anyway#i really do hate when there's any sort of renavation going on in my room the mere idea that there would be strangers in my room is making m#sick#😭😭😭😭#IT'S WEIRD I KNOW NO NEED TO RUB IT IN#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#mayor of loserville
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rise and grind!!!!! <- experiencing screaming rage at 5:30am
#big rambling inbound ->#i truly cannot catch a break lately#everything’s so loud and annoying and bright and different i hate it#and my headaches are back which is so crazy frustrating#two marathon days (work -> social event) in a row this week#i am so fucking tired it’s like bone-deep exhausted i can’t sleep enough#i’m only up rn because my cat got sick in my bed so i had to start laundry and change my clothes and some got ON ME so that’s a whole thing#and i can’t cry bc of my meds fuck this gay earth#whatever i’ll be fine i always am
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the system survived the first week of school btw
#I tried to get some homework done when I got home earlier#but we have had our nose to the grindstone since a few days before classes even started and yesterday pushed too far#and I just could not focus enough. so tonight is our break and tomorrow we get back to it#tomorrow will suck. but if I can get everything I want to done I'll be golden for the next week#to be clear. I am not the part going to school. that's someone else#idk much about her(?) beyond their name being callie#its. weird. there's big ripples in the system like there always are during major fronting lineup changes
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🙃
#just want to apologize to anyone who has tried to reach out lately#just like I texted my friend I’ll tell you guys the same#haven’t been talking to a lot of people lately tbh#pretty sure I’ve mentioned php a few times by now#monday was my last day#and I was feeling on top of the world on Monday#I don’t remember the last time I was so genuinely happy#figured it was the med change or something#so I was feeling pretty optimistic#I’m in between programs now#and today was not the best#not as bad as some of my days#but definitely not even near the day I had on Monday#I just wish I could feel that every single day#I’m working on it but still#waiting to start ‘adult day treatment’ and case management#and I think case management will help me find a place??? I’m not sure exactly but that’s kinda what I was getting#which honestly? I know I’ve bitched about how badly I need to move#but while I was in php I realized I don’t think I’ll truly be able to heal while I’m living here… and that’s a scary thought#idk there’s a lot more deeper things that I don’t wanna talk about#but the fact I don’t have space and I don’t feel safe and comfortable here is hard….#my ‘safe’ space was my car but now that I’m trying to quit smoking my car isn’t the best place for me#I’ve been kinda getting used to my room and I’m finally trying to move a few things around#(now that I have a little energy again)#it’s just……. my arachnophobia is KILLING me here#in the past week I don’t even know how many spiders I’ve seen and killed#they haven’t been crazy and I recognize I don’t live in Australia or places where the spiders are as big as fucking cars#I came home and I was in a good mood until I saw a spider in my room 🙃🙃🙃 tried to vacuum it but not sure if I got it……..#so guess im sleeping on the couch….. again…. but can’t help think if out here is any better…#shut up rosie
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i realized I didn't draw one of these last year so uh I'm making up for it this year--
#║ ✰〳art.#║ ✰〳ninazu.#[ IT'S SUMMER IT COUNTS I CAN GET AWAY WITH SWIMSUIT DRAWINGS AGAIN#but uh we've had some minor changes in plans so we're moving the big stuff over later this week instead#which means i might have wifi sooner at the new place?? maybe perhaps#but for now ya'll have to deal with my art dumps ]
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big spoilers for new info as of tonight's episode but eye am soooooooo curious about the extent to which galicaea is still opposed to cassandra in some way. obviously in her high elven form she was trying to get kristen as a follower rather than have her continue to investigate the nightmare king and find cassandra, like she was NOT trying to put her thumb on the scale in that way. and from the sound of it she and sol basically respectively absorbed/dissolved the domains that once belonged to cassandra and ankarna through numerous calculated efforts of their clerics and evangelists, with sol and helio acquiring exclusive association with the sun and summer, and galicaea acquiring exclusive worship of the wood elves and becoming a goddess defined by certainty and eternity, driving away doubt. so is galicaea still playing the game even after being "restored" by wolfsong, trying to keep rage and doubt out of the world that is so well set up for her. was she ever really restored or was it doomed to be a cosmetic overhaul after the high elves got behind it again. like how christian fundamentalists dress like hipsters and open really trendy and successful coffee shops
#crazy plot twist the big bad this season is NOT capitalism! it is imperialism and religious fundamentalism#.txt#d20 spoilers#d20#also lets be clear i definitely don't think galicaea's being like played or piggybacked by sol i think they go hand in hand#like i think sol stood the most to gain directly by destroying ankarna as the only other major sun diety. we haven't heard of other dieties#of night/the moon so much. darkness yes mystery etc sure but not those specific domains. so sol surely had a lot to gain out of this.#but i think she elevates herself by elevating her husband & their union as sun and moon. when the sun shines brighter so too does the moon!#anyway i think perhaps what we learn from this episode (besides the obvious)#is that the 'corrupted' versions of the gods don't disappear so easily. obviously ankarna is still surviving in some form.#the nightmare king is still an aspect of cassandra. galicaea's wolf aspect is still tempered and her sylvan aspect is elevated over it#also interesting that the form of cassandra that was defined by betrayal from her sister is associated with mirrors lol.#presumably galicaea changed a lot after her marriage to sol. and then she had cassandra and her partner wiped from knowledge. so.#also crazy to think about how old the worship of these gods are and how recent the supremacy of sol/galicaea is.#when kristen died during the cataclysm that created the nightmare king her bones were 850 years old.#the menhir commemorating cassandra's marriage is 3000 years old. AND obviously that was a place that was sacred to the pantheon if they hel#a wedding there. AND galicaea drove the evidence of that literally into the ground and claimed it as a place of exclusive worship.#AND on a historical scale that happened like two weeks ago.#just saying im not surprised the nightmare king is back. and if i were galicaea i'd be terrified of rage and doubt as well.#dimension 20
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I’ve been having a Winnie the Pooh nostalgia trip like all of October and this week i just keep putting the Day for Eeyore short on in the background while I work and the way it suddenly makes me laser focus on what I need to do is insane.
#its like super tiny fixations that change week to week#I had a vhs of the many adventures of Winnie the Pooh with day for eeyore that I watched over and over again at like three years old#so maybe there’s some calming thing still in my brain#earlier this month it was piglets big movie#Winnie the Pooh#adhd?#focus#day for eeyore#classic Disney#eeyore
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coping with things so well today so i’m bragging about it ✨
#had a SMALL emotional reaction to something but then like breathed through it and was very normal#and then something that might’ve made me feel kinda alone and insecure a year or two ago#actually just made me feel happy which is a MUCH preferable reaction#and one that matches the reaction in my head#my emotions are not me#they tell me things but they’re only a piece of the puzzle and I can still decide how I process things beyond the immediate emotions#also did a bunch more organizing of my stuff for packing#and wrote things in my planner for the first few weeks of school#I already have several plans and events!!!!#and instead of pushing someone away I suggested some plans a few months away#bc that gives both of us kinda a sense of security in the friendship?#they’re worried about losing me with me going back to school#and I’m worried about losing them bc they have kinda a major obsession w/ someone else rn#(which is pretty cute when my brain isn’t being an insecure dick)#so this makes us both be like ‘even if things change we still have plans and our friendship will withstand those changes’#anyway gonna get ready to go walk up a big hill for fresh air#today has been a good day overall#OH AND ANOTHER FRIEND DROPPED BY OUT OF THE BLUE#AND GAVE ME A HAND SEWN EMBROIDERED CHARM FOR BACK-TO-SCHOOL!!!!#and a little card about how they’re proud of me and will be there for me on this journey!#god now I’m gonna cry#I have the most amazing friends in the whole freakin world#personal
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Doodles of my Dreamtale AU (first mentioned here but I have lots more updated art posted) because it has a hold on me again and I just scrapped practically the entire story lol.
Also here's a possible adult Papyrus design. If Sans gets extra appendages and a fucked up eye, so does Papyrus. I don't make the rules lmao.
This au's story got so big and so messy and I really haven't been able to find a way to put it all together in a way I'm satisfied with, so the story is going to be much closer to the og undertale story with a lot of stuff reworked in the setting and with certain characters' stories and whatnot.
#Now that I'm looking at Sans' design again those shoes look goofy as hell.#It's fitting with his character but I'm most likely going to change that now that I've noticed it.#It is a shame that the other story is such a mess that I have no idea how to clean up. I had some good stuff in there#One idea I was particularly proud of was Papyrus using an army of whoopie cushions to get Sans to remember his humor after he's “corrupted”#That was actually the idea that led to the “Gaster = Fart Master” discovery. I even have a timestamp of the realization bc I stopped typing#Then I didn't come back to that doc for like a week LMAO#Another involved Papyrus carrying the Annoying Dog with him into battle. I was laughing so hard writing the details of that one down#Maybe I'll make the previous story a secondary au or smth if I can figure out how to make it all fit the way I want it to#idk what I'll do with it but maybe I'll figure smth out#To give you a hint of how big it got. that story has multiple google docs. One of them is 20 pages single spaced#That's not even mentioning the notes app and the fact that I didn't even write all of it down.#I wish I was joking. I tismed so hard. Trust me. It was too much lmao#doodles#dreamtale au#dreamtale#nightmare sans#papyrus#undertale#utdr art#undertale au#toriel#frisk#chara#asriel#flowey#my au#my art#mine
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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Well, looks like I'm gonna be spending yet another birthday *not* getting fucked this year and honestly it's a damned shame 😢
#birthday is less than two weeks away and unless some big changes happen before then I will be all alone again#i joked with d about him coming out here to give me birthday sex and after that day he stopped talking to me sooooo#actually thinking back I'm not sure that I've ever actually gotten birthday sex#even the years that I had a partner they were never around that day#i deserve a good birthday railing 🥺
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okay so I was doing a weekly spread and the craziest thing happened. here's some of the cards and the positions:
something to remember: the fool
a lesson to learn: death
a gift: the tower (???)
in a way, all of these cards represent closure and change and breaking cycles and being able to welcome the new. while I was journaling about these cards, a freaking butterfly came in and flew around me and my room??? (if you don't know butterflies represent metamorphosis and change)
#i guess i dont need to say i'm scared of the week ahead#definitely need to be aware of big changes coming and also be able to remember that i *can* survive and embrace changes#the other card in the spread kind of all reming me to believe in my intuiton and ability to trust and to follow the things that make me#feel positive and confident and good#anyways a little tarot posting for the people that for some reason follow this blog and had no idea i do it lol#tarot#tarotcommunity#tarotblr
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