#had an epiphany💔

[real-odark]

don't know how many of you are little shop AND falsettos fans, but if you are

you know the line where audrey is talking about orin's death and taking blame for it, because she wished it on him?

imagine that with trina and whizzer

it was hard for her to hate him but when it came to his time she took blame because secretly when she was with marvin she wished it on him every night

[thatstoomanysausages]

Fish! Grian this, Bird! Grian that,

What about bear! Grian HUH?????⁉️⁉️⁉️

Man’s hunting fish down in the river and has a burly looking ass skin on rn are you kidding me. Bear hybrid Grian my love, my shnookums, my little weird rat looking thing 💔💔💔 he probably gives the best hugs,,, that shit suffocates you

[writewithmiaaa]

Poly!141 X female reader

Title: Shadows in the fog

Pairings: Poly 141 X reader

Warnings: Poly relationship, Typical COD violence (reader gets shot), descriptions of blood/wounds, canon typical COD stuff:)

Summary: The 141 and female reader (call sign: Viper) are on a mission. But what will happen when it all goes wrong?

Type: Angst💔

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The night was dense with fog, the kind that clung to your skin and turned every breath into a veil of chill. Task Force 141 had been sent deep into hostile territory, their mission clear: retrieve critical intel and get out. You were embedded with them, a vital part of the team. Captain Price led the way, his presence a solid reassurance in the murk. Ghost, Soap, and Gaz moved like shadows, each step calculated, every sound absorbed by the oppressive darkness.

You had the rear, scanning for any sign of threat, nerves on edge. Suddenly, the crack of a gunshot shattered the silence. Then the force of the bullet slamming into your side. Pain exploded through your body, and you fell to the ground, gasping for air. The world started to spin, edges blurring as you struggled to stay conscious. How had it happened so quick? Where were they? Why had nobody noticed?

"Man down!" Gaz's voice cut through the haze, urgency sharp in his tone.

Price was at your side in an instant, his eyes fierce with determination. "We've got you Viper, stay with us," he commanded, pressing his hands against the growing wound on your stomach to staunch the bleeding.

More shots wrung out as Ghost and Soap take out the last of the enemies in the area. They flank you, their eyes scanning the perimeter for the shooter. "Oi! Soap, cover us! Ghost, get her ready for exfil!" Price barked, his voice a lifeline in the chaos.

Soap moved to cover, his weapon ready, eyes cold and focused. Ghost knelt beside you, his normally stoic mask cracking with worry. "Hold on, love," he murmured, his voice soft enough that only you could hear. "We're getting you out of here." He grabbed your arm, keeping you stable. He promised you he’d protect you. And he failed.

When you looked down, you groaned. “Fucking ‘ell thats a lot of blood.” Your hands were painted a sickly crimson red from pressuring the wound.

Your vision darkened, the pain becoming a distant throb. Though, you could just make out Ghosts eyes behind the mask, a mixture of fear and protectiveness.

Gaz returned, his face grim. “LZ is hot, but it’s the only way. We need to move now.”

Price lifted you with a grunt, the pain sparking fresh agony through your body. “Stay with me viper.”

Each step was a struggle, every movement a battle against the encroaching darkness. You could feel your strength ebbing away, the world becoming a distant echo. Ghost’s hand remained on your arm, his touch a constant reassurance.

Soap and Gaz took point, their movements precise, deadly even. Every shot was more accurate than the last, determined to get you home safe, a vow to get you home alive. Price’s jaw clenched as they reached the exfil, his jaw set in determination.

Finally, the helicopter loomed ahead, a beacon in the night sky. They hustled you inside, the roar of blades a deafening epiphany. Yet you couldn’t hear them. You couldn’t hear anything.

Your consciousness continued to dip, vision turning blacker than the world outside. Ghost continued to grip your arm, keeping you stable. “You’re going to make it Viper, not long now. We can’t lose you.” You heard the underlying message. He couldn’t lose you.

The others hung nearby, their eyes never leaving your face. Soap and Gaz took defensive positions, their focus split between the enemies and their fallen girl.

The two medics onboard worked frantically, but you could feel yourself slipping further. “Oi, stay with us Viper!” Ghost muttered once he saw your eyes begin to roll back.

The last thing you saw before the darkness claimed you was their faces, a mixture of love and worry. The group showed raw, clear emotion. Ghosts deadly grip on your arm, Price’s intense gaze, Soap’s protective stance and Gaz’s unwavering focus. You knew you were in safe hands.

And so you shut your eyes.

In the days that followed, you drifted in and out of consciousness, the pain a constant reminder of the hardships of your job. Save the world, and sacrifice yourself whilst doing so. However, your stomach was beginning to heal. Not without a nasty scar though.

Every time you opened your eyes, you saw atleast one of them there. A constant companion. They never left you, a constant reminder of the unbreakable bond you had all formed.

[sweet-as-an-angel]

I WAS ***YEARNING*** FOR A APRT TWO TO THE OUTLAW STORY AJD WAS SO FERAL OVER IT THAT I WROTE MT OWN FFOR IT 😭😭😭😭💔💔💔

NO ONE ASKED FOR TJIS BUT HERE IS MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE BLOG ☺️💞 (... 🤡)

Yandere! Outlaw x Reader Pt. 2 to your original Yandere! Outlaw headcannons <3

...

The first thing that the Outlaw awoke to was piercing pain in his chest, as if there had been a hammer that hammered down a rusty metal nail straight through his flesh and into soft muscle, which had bent in half and gotten lodged in his lower ribs.

Breathing was unthinkable: with each inhale, his left lung felt like it was about to collapse; and, with each exhale, the sensation of suffocating, gasping for breath as if his head was underwater, drowning, made him choke on oxygen, wheezing for relief that wouldn't come.

It took every fibre of his being to lift himself up on the elbows, while his every fibre and then some was screaming.

Agony like this he hadn't experienced in ages. Most of his raids had gone without a hitch, but this one went wrong. Very wrong.

At first, he had been contemplating what it was that had distracted him so, what could have been the reason for his not having dodged the whizzing bullet in time, and had stood in place instead.

Had he been inattentive? Was it just recklessness at the time, or had his reputation as the West's deadliest gunslinger diminished?

It was when the second bullet tore through him that he had his epiphany: you.

Maybe he was growing soft. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he was letting his guard down.

Or maybe he was in love.

The Outlaw wasn't a very affectionate man. He had no experience with affection, having been dealt a heavy hand in land, having fought hands heavier than his in saloons with his bare fists; therefore, perhaps he had not the capacity to grasp his feelings.

After all, could this really be love? He had kidnapped you. He was your kidnapper. He was the monster under your bed, the fugitive that was wanted in countless states, the Boogeyman that parents warned their children about.

Still, while the instinctual drive to survive and his spiteful desire to keep evading the authorities, neither of these were the real reason why he had galloped on a beaten-up horse for hours, slumped over on his saddle and nearly toppling to the ground in his exhaustion, and had trudged on legs that felt like sacks of potatoes through the front door of his cabin, ignoring the agony in his desperate pursuit.

The real reason why he had been so desperate to return home was because you were there.

True, the thrill of raids and shooting at cowboys gave him a rush of adrenaline that he revelled in.

But, at the end of the day, the thing that would excite him most was you, in your simple, plain dress, wearing an apron and cooking a delicious dish in the kitchen, or stood on tiptoe dusting off the topmost part of the shelves.

And when you turned around, flinching as fright flickered in your startled eyes that you failed to hide in time, the shy smile that stretched sheepishly on your face was beautiful. The pinnacle of beauty.

It was for that blissful moment that the Outlaw could suspend disbelief and pretend that you were genuinely happy to see him. That, he could indulge in a fantasy that you were his housewife that had been waiting for him all this time, and had been waiting for his return.

And this time, you had.

He had blacked out as soon as his exhausted body crumpled into a heavy heap onto the floor, and had not remembered the gentle caresses of your skin, the delicate way that you had tended to his wounds and cleaned him up so dilligently, the bandages wrapped comfortably yet securely around his abdomen.

What he would remember forever, however, would be your face, sleeping peacefully by his side.

He could not believe his eyes. He had blinked twice, thrice, and still, he could not believe what he was seeing.

Until he believed it. The realisation struck him hard, and for a moment, he couldn't comprehend what the realisation had been.

Then he knew: the Outlaw knew. This was love.

A weak, callous hand hesitantly moved towards your face, to cup your sleeping cheek, yet it recoiled instantly, as if the physical contact burned him like a fire.

Tentatively this time, the same hand willingly crossed the barrier of fire and stepped on burning hot coals, determined to endure the discomfort if it meant he embrace comfort instead. It surprised him, then, that your cheek was cold, and that you stirred in your sleep, nuzzling your cheek into his coarse palm.

Rubbing your cheek with his thumb, Outlaw became mesmerised by your face, and noticed small details that he hadn't noticed before: the faint freckles on the bridge of your nose; the way that the sunlight made your eyelashes brighter by the tips; the thin wrinkle lines around your eyes, and how they were relaxed; the way that the hairs of your eyebrows were furrowed in your sleep. And, did you have that beauty spot on your face prior to this? Had you always had those dimples? Was your skin always aglow like this?

He knew it now. He knew it was love.

And, he knew, too, that he couldn't wait for you to wake up. For you to know that he loved you, and that he wasn't someone to fear. Not anymore.

Ignoring the pain that came with bringing your slender hand towards his face, he kissed the back of it through the bandana that he donned over the lower half of his face, and was almost tempted to pull the fabric down, just to see how his lips would feel on your skin.

At this moment, though, he was not fierce, fearsome Outlaw feared in the West, the one that could take down a gang of cowboys single-handedly. He was a coward.

Still, he couldn't be a coward forever. He vowed that he wouldn't be. Not for you.

If he was to be yours, he swore that he'd be neither Outlaw, nor a coward to you. He'd be yours — just like you were his.

Yet by the way that you were cuddled up to him and clinging on to him in your sleep, it looked like you had already come to that conclusion on your own, hadn't you?

YEEEEEEEES, I love these, my Sweet ! Thank you ever so much for taking the time to add to our wonderful Outlaw's story, your contribution to the blog is invaluable <33. Please do not hesitate to send in any more headcanons you have for our darling yanderes ^^

[strwbmei]

I love Kiamei, but Elymei also has my heart 💔😔 Apologies if I get anything wrong, I don't know jack about fashion/makeup ahaha

"Elysia... I'm thankful, but is all of this really necessary?" Mei sighs, following the pink-haired elf with an obnoxious amount of shopping bags hanging from her arms and shoulders.

Of course, Mei expected this as soon as she accepted Elysia's invite to go shopping, but only because she thought they'd be buying clothes for Elysia. Splurging on herself like this was an unfamiliar feeling to Mei.

Elysia only hums happily in response, already walking with a cheerful step on her way to a clothing rack filled with collared shirts in neutral colors. "Of course! Ah, these would look great on you. You look so dashing in black!"

"Hmm... We should also get you some crop tops. You should show off those abs once in a while!" Elysia comments, holding one in front of Mei to see if it'd be a good fit. "A crop top? Aren't those more your style?" Mei smiles, starting to accept her faith as Elysia's fashion model for the day.

Suddenly, Elysia looks as if she's had a ground breaking epiphany. Not a good sign. "Mei! You're a genius!" She starts grabbing crop tops of different colors, setting aside the one she was holding previously. "We should get matching ones! Hmm... What about heart patterns? Ooh, or I could have Eden design ones with our faces on them!"

Mei can't help but sputter and cough thinking of the idea. Knowing the other woman, she was most definitely not joking. "I think the heart patterns are enough. Pink or white would look great on you." Before she can even blink, Elysia was already nowhere to be found.

"Mei! Over here!" The elf waves Mei over, a bunch of shades of lipsticks in her hands as she does. Mei swears those makeup samples weren't there the last time they walked by. Perhaps it's the writer's will. "These shades were practically made for you, wouldn't you think?"

Elysia excitedly applies one on herself, and kisses the taller woman on the lips. Meanwhile, Mei is left at a loss for words. She could never get used to Elysia's sudden shows of affection. "See?" Elysia holds a mirror in front of her. (Again, where did it even come from?) The shade did in fact fit Mei perfectly.

"One more." Mei says. Now, Elysia is the one left flustered. "I mean, the lipstick is a bit off center, so-" the pink haired woman giggles at Mei's frantic attempt at explaining herself, opting to squeeze her cheeks. The action makes Mei pout. "You're so cute. You can just ask for a kiss, y'know?"

"Chsn I hvuh kish, pleash?" Can I have a kiss, please? Mei speaks through muffled words. Elysia stretches her cheeks a bit before finally letting go. "Of course. Pretty girls are my weakness~" She kisses Mei again, this time on the cheeks, much to the other woman's surprise.

"Ah, looks like I'll have to do it again."

[kimmiessimmies]

My TOP 23 screenshots for 2023

Thanks for tagging me, lovely Alex @ice-creamforbreakfast.

Considering I didn't reappear on the Simblr scene until late March, many of these will be recent shots, but here are some of my personal faves in chronological order!

1. James (with previous hairstyle, and with blanket) and Leona on the rooftop of The Factory. Despite it not being the best pic I ever shot, this post was my "comeback", so it's meaningful to me.

2. The moment Dan and Sadie broke up... Knowing what we know now, this was truly for the best, but I actually cried a little writing this post...

3. Jasper and Eva's Monte Vista wedding dinner.

4. When I built an entire coffeehouse just to shoot that one scene reuniting Esme and Martha.

5. Finn and Sadie giving in to hormones.

6. Luke and Susie's autumn wedding . I particularly liked this picture because of Boy in the background. 🥂

7. Eva expecting. But I mostly loved this picture because this house is my favourite house I ever decorated.

8. Rachel's face when she found out about Finn and Sadie's Friends with Benefits situation.

9. This moment when Joshua had an epiphany... (My heart...)

10. The start of Honeycomb Valley 2.0.

11. Sending Martha home. This one was emotional for me. She had been away for SO long and bringing her home was a big deal for the story but also for me.

12. This reaction of Sadie's when Martha said she and Finn should definitely "study... hard..." 😏

13. Finn confessing his feelings for Sadie to Rachel (which does hurt a bit in light of current events...)

14. This hugely important moment when Joshua was about to come out to his friends. ❤️

15. The date that didn't go to plan...

16. The moment that screwed up my entire flippin' storyline! 😳 The chemistry between these two the moment they got together for this scene totally messed everything up. Thankfully, the story became better because of it. More dramatic, but also better.

17. Phoenix. ❤️‍🔥

18. The dream. I had so much fun setting up this room for this scene. A little secret only one person knows: I actually shot the entire, very NSFW dream scene... In the end, I decided not to share it because at this point, I wanted to keep the tension alive for a while longer. But it was... something... 🫣

19. My dear struggling James who "came close but wrote song lyrics instead..."

20. Release. ❤️❤️❤️

21. That other release. (I could have chosen any picture from these scenes)

22. Rock bottom. And oh, how I felt this... 💔

23. Ending with my absolute favourite shot of the year. 💕

Loved doing this! Tagging @nocturnalazure, @danjaley, @simsaralove, @eljeebee, @dandylion240, @happy-lemon. As always, feel free to ignore.

[scarletdarkmagic]

theory/analysis: ashley (cctv pov) is the northwest zombie girl

copypasted from my initial post in the underscord #lore-corkboard channel. content warning for brief mentions of suicide ig???? also this will NOT make ANY sense to 99% of my followers bc they dont listen to underscores💔

the soundcloud description to northwest zombie girl reads as follows:

Deleted scene — Character: Old money bitch

Upon reading of a girl from the Northwest’s chemically-induced emotional transformation, Old money bitch begins to yearn for something similar.

and cctv:

Prologue — Character(s): Ashley

The late daughter of Secretariat founder Jerry Bowman recounts the last week of her life from beyond the grave.

the lineup of the songs seventyseven dog years (mara & s*nny interacting for the first time) & uncanny long arms (mara realizing her actions towards s*nny now have consequences) in the base album, gives the metaphor of uncanny long arms syndrome = metaphor for the "reach" somebody has on anothers life, & maras near death experience during the reduction surgery being/causing the epiphany. since ashleys the daughter of secretariats founder, her bloodline has reach on the entire town as opposed to just one person. following this logic, "chemically induced emotional transformation" could refer to ashley committing suicide to try & be at peace.

uncanny long arms soundcloud description:

Mara wakes up and finds her arms are longer than usual. Upon getting her arms reduced, she has an epiphany.

lyric taken from cctv:

I'm sorry you had to find me like that, in that sorry state

samantha (old money bitch name, confirmed in the lyrics of my guy) is shown to have suicidal thoughts as expressed on tracks like horror movie soundtrack & good luck final girl, & cctv heavily alludes to ashleys suicide. samantha is also shown to be ashamed of her familys wealth & actively try to distance herself from it on both old money bitch (song) & northwest zombie girl. its not hard to imagine ashley would feel this way too but to a heavier extent, described as growing a whole new limb rather than just existing ones elongating from ula, resulting in said suicide.

lyrics from good luck final girl:

I'm postponing my suicide indefinitely

lyrics from northwest zombie girl:

I cleared my name in just six easy payments

But there's more to my end of the bargain

I'm of a people who hoard what they've taken

How do I end what someone else started?

lyrics from cctv:

Focus has shifted, I grew a new appendage

Everyone thinks I'm overreacting

Oh, I'm beyond all recognition

my theory? ashley is the "northwest zombie girl" that samantha is envious over. the song is sung from samanthas perspecrive, but the subject in question is ashley.

[elfdyke]

i thought that the scott pilgrim anime was good i really liked it.. ramona was such a good main character 💖💖💖 i think my only major gripe would be i dont think scott amd ramona should have gotten together at the end, especially with ramona saying she loved scott as her big epiphany, i assumed it would be her realizing shes been running away from Herself and that she needed to give herself a break and love herself.... like i genuinely really love scott and ramonas relationship from the comics (FROM WHAT I REMEMBER) but they went through a ton of growth and change to get to the point where they were in love and healthy, in the anime scott and ramona had genuinely only known each other for barely a day... like 😭💔

i definitely think they could have left it open to them getting together later which i think would have been good and worked totally fine... BUUT thats just how i feel

[starleska]

omg i just had an epiphany i think u'd like to hear

have you ever heard Peach Scone by Hobo Johnson, bc it is SO jervis coded in a way

going so wild rn bc it perfectly encapsulates his lovesick, self-loathing, rambling and desperate nature in my mind!! literally giving mad as a hatter

!!!!!! oh my gosh you are so big-brained this song is PERFECT for Jervis!!!! 😖😖😖 you're absolutely right!!!! the scattered way he's talking feels just like the way Jervis talks to himself and obsesses over Alice...real in-the-middle-of-an-episode-about-to-go-fully-feral energy, wow 🙈💖 not to mention we Brits are rather fond of scones alongside a spot of tea... 😉 i wonder how many times Jervis sat with Alice listening to her talk about Billy...i get the sense that Jervis is so obsessed that he knew of Billy for a long time, but he loves Alice so dearly that his delusion made him mentally force the man out every time. so whenever Alice reminded him of her boyfriend, it's a fresh heartbreak all over again...just because Jervis is too in-love to even acknowledge she's already taken 💔 thank you for introducing me to Hobo Johnson, he's so talented!!! 🔥

[alphashley14]

"Don't Fuck With My Money" - Some Character Analysis

Giving into temptation, I've decided to provide a little explanation for the song I used as the chapter title and storytelling device for chapter 2 of "One of Us". Because I do put a lot of thought into each one.

I've had a LOT of fun finding which Mystery Skulls song is a perfect fit for each chapter of this story. Some are harder than others, but in Chapter 2's case I didn't spend much time on it because it jumped out at me immediately.

The beginning of this story takes place right around the time Mr. E and Professor Pericles were really starting to butt heads in their group - which is also right around the time Ricky finally started pulling his head out of his ass and realizing he backed the wrong horse in the race for the treasure. Now this is just my interpretation, but I think the reason why this happened when it did has to do with the way in which the evil entity and Professor Pericles were manipulating him. Basically - "Don't fuck with my money".

Let me explain.

The way I see it, "Don't fuck with my Money" is the main reason why Mr. E first started disagreeing with Professor Pericles. This can first be seen when they had their argument in the hallway during the 'Horrible Herd' episode. Pericles was thoughtlessly spending a SHIT TON of Destroido dollars on his endeavors without consulting Ricky, even though it was Ricky's roof over his head and Ricky's money he was spending.

And because the main thing the curse was using to manipulate Mr. E was greed, its manipulations and Pericles' actions began contradicting each other.

Mr. E worked HARD to get where he was and to build Destroido from the ground up. He was PROUD of his company and his fortune, no matter how shady it was. He hated being alone, but Destroido was (as far as we know) something he was able to accomplish by himself without the help of Pericles or any of the others. And Pericles was jeopardizing that and completely overstepping his boundaries for a treasure no one was even sure existed.

Taking all that into consideration, it's no wonder that's when the curse's hold on Ricky started slipping, allowing for common sense and common decency to shine through. Because you have to keep in mind:

Ricky Owens was never evil.

Evil touched him and manipulated him, he did evil things as a result, and there were a lot of times where he should have known better. But he himself was never evil. He was looking out for Mystery Incorporated in the beginning of the series - he cared about them. And their relationship was complicated, but he loved Cassidy too. (He never stopped looking for her and he literally became suicidal after he learned of her death)

When you get down to it, all Ricky ever really wanted was to belong somewhere.

He forgot that for a while along the way. But towards the end, he realized how badly he'd fucked up and he sacrificed himself trying to save the kids that he and Cassidy loved so much.

So in the context of this fic, listening to the song's lyrics, that's what "Don't Fuck With my Money" means. It's about Pericles' financial abuse of Ricky and Ricky's epiphany that Pericles had gone insane and never loved him. 💔

[sunnpii]

『 ✫ dni | intro | fav songs | au masterlist ✫ 』

✩.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・

a list of the aus ive made across various pieces of media!!! most of these dont have much public content but i hope to make more stuff about them someday, especially fanfics or comics!!!!!!! (*’U`*)

・

DDLC AUS (none of these have actual creative names i apologize):

・

Minecraft AU (tag: minecraft ddlc au)

au where the girls are minecraft mobs and go on adventures together in the world of minecraft YAYYY!! there'll probably be an actual plot at sum point but i havent come up with it yet

・

Spooky's Jumpscare Mansion AU (tag: spookys jumpscare mansion ddlc au)

au where monika, taking the role of the (spookys jumpscare mansion) player, ventures into a mysterious and alluring mansion!! and meets the girls who take the roles of some of the specimens!! together her and her new friends will descend further and further into the mansion hoping to uncover its secrets and solve the mystery of it once and for all!!1!1! YIPPEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

・

MLP AU (tag: mlp ddlc au)

basically just ddlc but theyre ponies tbh theres little to no difference otherwise💔

・

PVZ AU (tag: none yet)

the girls r!!!! pvz plants!!!!! i havent actually come up with much else for this au yet but yah similar to the minecraft au i'll come up with a story at sum point

・

Natsuki Awareness AU (tag: natsuki awareness au)

au where natsuki becomes stuck in a time loop, and thru it learns about how the world as she knows it was a game all along!!! eek!!!!!!!! will she be able to find a way out of the time loop and find a happy ending for everyone, while also attempting to balance her own sanity as she deals with this epiphany?? IDK!!!  (;≧Д≦)

✩.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・

OTHER AUS:

・

My Liminal Pony (MLP AU; no tag yet)

au where the mane six get trapped in the backrooms basically :33 im not sure how to liek present this one and like show the story of it so im not sure if ill actually make public content but umm its definitely there frfr trust,,!! i CAN say its very psychological horror centric

・

Friendship is Anomalous: Site-P0N7 (MLP/SCP AU; no tag yet)

au where a bunch of scps and characters in the scp universe are replaced by characters from mlp!!!! so the characters are basically a mishmash of the original characters from mlp and the ones from scp that theyre taking the place of!!!!!! ALSO I KNOW IM NOT THE FIRST TO DO AN MLP/SCP CROSSOVER shhhshhh

・

KinitoCraft (KinitoPet AU; no tag yet)

the kinito crew plays minecraft. thats all :3

・

Kinito in the Backrooms (KinitoPet AU; no tag yet)

if i had a nickel for every time i made a whole au just to put character/s i like into the backrooms id have two nickels. anyway exactly what it says on the tin (also similar to my liminal pony immm not sure if ill actually make public content for it hmm hmmm)

✩.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・

[ghost-proofbaby]

hour 22 💔 everyone's screaming, crying but I'm feeling weirdly pumped up by this chapter. And I remember feeling the exact same way in Shire when Willow and Eddie had their showdown outside Steve's (why is Steve's home always involved?! 🤣) It's hard to explain, but this is and was the turning point in both stories. Eddie's and R's previous interactions cannot carry on like they used to after this and it's a GOOD thing. and I know she's planning on never seeing him again but he can't let that happen, none of them will. Especially Nancy.

I can't even process them getting caught by the neighbour, you've written that so well, something that's supposed to be hilarious but just isn't in the wake of everything. And then her finally properly blowing up at him. That felt so cathartic, she's needed that for a while and for it to be an admission of love, not an insult, that's triggered it was genius.

His pov had my favourite parts for sure.

'Eddies eyes are back on you, palms running up his outer thighs until he curls them to fists by his hips'

Hailey. Ghost. You have created your own hand flex Darcy moment, you should be proud. Could physically feel how much he just wants to touch her, his pain that he can't.

Then her birthday, I have wondered a lot not exactly why he stayed away but how he felt about staying away and him wishing his own affection would have overfilled her cup, implying that he would have been there for the night with her. Just beautiful. But then my favourite,

'He's homesick. He's watched the way you've interacted with Robin and Steve the entire night, and he's goddamn homesick for a home that he'll never hold the keys to'

This was exquisite. Take a bow. I'm hurting in places I didn't know I could. Them referring to eachother as home though this entire fic so far has been so emotional. It's why I'm weirdly giddy about this chapter, because they've just gotta find their way back to eachother.

Her leaving was awful and so sad but, yea. It's necessary at this point. If she'd stayed she'd have made it seem ok that he did this, but also it's gonna maybe create a bit of assertiveness from Eddie and make him get everything he wants.

Also - it's so annoying that the bartender wasn't actually such a bad guy. I mean, f**k him for not explaining to her that he couldn't go through with the date because he needs to go get the love of his life, she would have understood. But yea, if you're gonna stand someone up, an epiphany is pretty good reason. Controversial opinion maybe.

Can't get over your brain for creating this fic and also can't get over that it was supposed to be like a filler between Shire and Mordor, like. WHAT? Just amazing. 🖤🖤

oh lord. i have to say: i will never not get a bit misty eyed at your long replies/comments on my fics. i just- god i love you so much bat.

i’m so so glad that the whole getting caught bit came across that way!! it was one of the particular scenes that gave me so much trouble!!! i know it’s funny in retrospect, but in that intense moment, it’d be so hard to laugh about. it’s hard to have that moment of comic relief between the whole l bomb that had been dropped and then the embarrassment that has to follow (especially when they were caught while both feeling so, so vulnerable).

and?? MY OWN DARCY MOMENT?? dear god that’s amongst the highest praise i’ve ever received 😭 i don’t even know how to feel besides incoherent squeals.

them referring to each other as home is something very near and dear to me. it’s a common thing that’s probably overused in my writing, but to me, that’s what love feels like — you know you’ve found your person/people (romantic OR platonic) when you just look at them and it feels exactly like that. it feels like coming home. that “in another life, i would have really liked doing taxes with you” and the poem about being content to just sit and make a grocery list and that one person you’d be okay with just sitting on the kitchen floor with, not a single word exchanged, just to be around them. through sadness, through happiness, just through existing. i could go on and on about it but. yeah 🥹

and yes! the bartender bit was very much annoying. it was important to me that it’s clear that it was monumental but also… really, who’s going to blame the guy? he’s insignificant to reader long term, but to eddie, that was just life changing. he couldn’t wrap his head around someone looking at reader and deciding there was someone better out there. and that’s really more reflective on him and his own journey of figuring out his shit than anything else. 🖤 (i do agree, though — don’t stand people up 😭 communication, people!! just communicate!!!)

thank you. thank you always always always for reading and for being so supportive and being amongst the people that have encouraged me to continue sharing these ideas. i just appreciate you a whole lot. and i’m sorry for the long ass reply, but your comments just always are so spot on and deserve responses that are at least a fraction of what you offer me <3

[radiovisual]

are you going to come back?

((I keep telling myself im going to, but im not sure. Im especially unhappy with how this blog was written and how it looks at the moment, bc theres a lot of things id Want to change before getting back into rp here, but I have no energy or motivation to do so 😔 my art block from last year is Still ongoing, im still deeply fixated on other fandoms, and VERY recently I had an epiphany of some kind and haven't been able to stop paying attention to the news, bc anxieties about what's happening in Gaza/the West Bank, Sudan, and Chile, and not to mention this next American presidential election, have me reassessing my priorities in life, ykwim?))

((Im still around technically, i wont be deleting this blog or anything, im just in kind of a tough spot, mentally+emotionally+physically, and that makes it hard to get reinvested in something like this.))

((There's also the factor of... feeling rather restricted in this community. It's not any particular person or group of ppls fault, people are entitled to feel however they want around fictional subjects and themes, but i know that the types of things that i like to write and rp are dark and mature, and this fandom [despite the Nature of the show itself and the topics it covers] tends to attract a lot of very aggressive, very judgemental people -- as im sure youre all aware 😂 i found some friends here, but even still, a lot of the time i know i Can't get into the kind of stuff i ACTUALLY want to write, because most of the ppl in this community would [at least, way back when,] assume that That kind of writing means I'm a bad, dangerous person who wants to engage with those themes in real life 🙃. Which isn't to say anyone is Wrong for avoiding me if darker themes trigger them, by all means PLEASE block me for your sanity if thats what you have to do!! but when most all of those Exact Themes are LITERALLY, graphically present in the show, now, it's like. Idk man whats going on! Why are you here! if sexually abusive relationships bother these fans so much, then Why are they in THIS fandom of all places instead of somewhere tangibly Safer for their sanity, yk???))

(( i don't know. Maybe im just a brat, but ive always felt a little put out by the Hazbin community online. Its extremely self policing and isolating trying to find people i can feel comfortable talk to about my ideas, so ive kind of... given up and moved on, found a nice group of Freaks to be perverted about the Avatar sequel instead lmao))

((So... idk. I guess we'll see. But im very sorry it may have been wishful thinking when i said id come back. I really, truly meant it at the time -- things just changed 💔, both in me And in the community. And maybe theyll change again, idk!but i Do know there's people in this overarching Hazbin Tumblr RP community who don't like me very much (which is Okay), and I don't want to force myself to walk on eggshells anymore -- so I'm won't💪😎))

((I adored my time here while i was active, whuch it why i wont delete it -- i go back to re read threads all the time! -- but unless there's a group of sexual weirdos developing that i could fall in with AND I can find a way to balance this with the rest of my life, im still gonna be on this indefinite hiatus 💀👍 sorry))

((Btw -- Palestinians are in desperate need of e-SIMs to keep in touch with their loved ones and to organize humanitarian aid within the Gaza strip itself -- if any of you have a few spare dollars, please consider getting involved. I know the news is very quiet rn, especially if you're in America like me, but let me make this very clear; We are. kind of sort of Already IN World War Three. Russia and China and the global south are finally starting to hold the west accountable and the west is failing a shitting its pants about it Spectacularly. The world order is literally shifting. There's not one, but SEVERAL major international conflicts brewing right now, as America is sliding into fascism at break neck speed bc Genocide Joe is finally realizing he's probably not going to get re-elected [on account of all the genocide] on TOP of finally seeing the tangible effects of climate change. South America and Australia are on FIRE. Like NEVER before.))

((Never Again is Now. We could be going over the temperature "tipping point" of the planet BY 2030. now is NOT the time to be wallowing in escapism, no matter how much we desperately need/want it. If there is EVER a time to get involved with the real world and to take a step back from the internet and high stress fandom bullshit, it is NOW. No matter what Side of these issues you stand on, EVERYONE needs to be voting, everyone needs to be paying attention.))

(( if you can't afford esims [no shame, i often can't either, money is tight everywhere], then at the very least get This website open in your tabs. It generates revenue with free Daily clicks, the proceeds of which are all sent to UN organizations -- particularly UNRWA, which is VITAL to maintain not only getting aid INTO Gaza, but also retaining Palestinians legal right to return to their land -- without UNRWA, Isreal can begin to LEGALLY, haphazardly "deport" Palestinians, which would take YEARS to reverse through future court proceedings. Do your part, it only takes a few seconds a day 💪🌱))

((Alright, thats all! Sorry if you wanted a short sweet answer, but ive actually been ruminating on all of this, so thank you for this ask, for giving me a chance to talk about it all. Im happy to see this community thriving in the wake of Season 1, even if im not joining in myself -- you all keep up the great work, and keep having fun with it ❤ let it empower you to explore the value of Charlie's message and think of ways to impliment it in your daily life And on the world at large‼))

[bayisdying]

Lucky Penny - Chapter Twenty-Eight

A/N: I literally am completely mind blown that we are so close to THIRTY chapters? When I first had the idea for Lucky Penny it looked so different. It was supposed to just be a sort of love letter from a daughter to the stepdad who raised her, loved her, and had to leave her. 💔 there was no love interest, just friendships, and it was supposed to be a short series where Lucky was reunited with William at the end. Now here we are, another story arc comes to an end right now. I know nobody likes Germy but he was the perfect villian and he served his purpose well.

TW: mentions of sexual harassment/sexual assault/rape but there is very little detail given.

Gotta tag my babes: @mrsjaderogers @gracespicybradshaw @dragon-kazansky @askmarinaandothers @ladylanera @callmemana @starlit-epiphany @cycbaby @callsignscupcake @kloofspeaks @roosterscockpit @notyoursbutlewis (please God let that be all of you crazy kids)

Waking up in her husband's arms had to be the best thing in Lucky's life. She'd been deprived of this for too long thanks to Hermes and his games.

"Good morning pretty girl." Mickey's voice is laced with sleep and damn if it wasn't sexy.

"Good morning." She responds, kissing him and drawing a moan from his lips. "I missed this."

"You have no idea." He says hovering over her, the kisses growing feverish and heated.

"You two better be decent!" Ice's voice comes from the other side of the bedroom door.

"Tom!" Came Dragon's voice and a groan from her husband after a smack can be heard.

Lucky can't help but laugh, as Fanboy pouts.

"After the trial babe, you can have me however you want me." She whispers.

"That's a promise right Mrs. Garcia?"

"Damn straight Mr. Garcia."

They took a quick shower together before getting ready and walking into their living room where the Kazansky and Kerner's were waiting for them.

"What happened to that key being for emergencies Ice?" Lucky asks, a hand on her hip.

"It was an emergency, you can't be late today."

"He also wanted to make sure Mickey wasn't fuc..." Whiskey started but got stopped by Slider's hand coming up to cover her mouth. She licked it but he stood his ground.

"After today none of those idiots will ever hurt you again." Dragon says. "We are going to bury them."

Dragon notices the way Lucky looks away from her, but doesn't say a word. There's more to this feud with Hermes, they have all known that. She'll tell them before too long.

When they got to base, the atmosphere was odd. Even the sky was grey and gloomy like William knew what today was going to bring.

Mickey squeezes her hand, the reminder she needs that he is right here.

The room slowly fills with everyone involved. Lucky looks down at her shaking hands, she's ready to be done with this. All of it. The door opens one last time and Lucky sees the older man who walks in, immediately wanting to hide.

"What is he doing here?" She hears someone ask. "He's been retired for years."

Lucky knows why he's here, she doesn't want him here. She turns her head and sees Jake, they make eye contact and she tries to beg him to not say anything.

The meeting starts, Ice commanding the room as the most senior person here. They go through the parameters of the mission and what went wrong.

"What went wrong is we didn't have a good leader." Jinx says when asked.

"Elaborate."

"We were sent a pilot who is not a team player, sir."

From behind her she can hear Dragon scoff, and Payback clears his throat.

"Baylie "Lucky" Garcia is one of the finest aviators to come through these walls. She was entrusted in a mission last year that required the best of the best and she led that mission." Ice says, his voice as cold as his callsign.

Lucky didn't like his voice being that cold, it scared her. She hoped she'd never have to hear it again, and never at her.

"Perhaps you're getting worse in your old age Iceman." The man from earlier spoke up, causing all heads to turn to him.

George "Strike" Bramley had been in charge when they'd gone through Top Gun years ago. Lucky didn't look his way, she didn't want to see those mean eyes ever again.

"Strike, it's good to see you." Ice says, not sounding happy to see the older man. Lucky can't blame him.

Lucky looks over and sees Hermes looking smug, of course he would. Strike was here, he'd sweep it all under the rug for him. He always did.

She tries to pay attention to the conversation going on around her. She heard the excuses the men are giving for all the reports Jake had found. She hears the Daggers making noises and comments behind her. She's overwhelmed, she doesn't want to be here.

"Can I bring something else to your attention?" Jake's voice scares her back to reality. She knows what he's about to say, she tries her best to make eye contact but he's staring straight at Hermes.

"Of course you can Jake." Ice says, and Lucky closes her eyes.

"I have a file here, number 7628293-A. It was filed by Lucky during her time at Top Gun. It's a sexual harassment claim aganist Hermes."

She feels all eyes on her and wishes she could disappear.

"That claim was recanted by Miss Steele if I remember correctly." Strike says.

Jake glares at him, "it was, on your recommendation. Couldn't have your grandson tainting the family name, could you?"

"It was recanted because it didn't happen!" Hermes exclaims.

"Yes it did." Lucky whispers.

"Lucky, honey, do you want to explain?" Ice says, his voice softer when he speaks to her.

She nods then clears her throat.

"It was about two weeks before graduation. I don't think I need to remind anyone here that I was the only female in our Top Gun class. I was in the showers after a night hop, when Hermes came in and opened the curtain. He cornered me in the shower and tried to intimidate me into quitting because he was upset I was beating him." She takes a deep breath. "When it didn't work, he started to touch me. He was about to do worse when Payback walked in looking for me. We had plans to hit the Hard Deck and I was running late. If Rueben hadn't walked in..I don't know how far Hermes was going to go to get me to leave."

"That's a lie!" Strike says.

Lucky hears Rueben curse under his breath, and she wants to look back. To remind him that he saved her that night. She remembers it all, she'd been so happy after the hop. She was singing in the shower, ready to go to the bar with her boys. Then the curtain had opened and she couldn't even scream. She just stood there and let him get closer to her, let him turn off the water, let him touch her. It had been his voice that stopped him, had been his voice that saved her, and that she could never repay him.

Instead she stares forward and continues.

"When I filed the report, it hit Strike's desk and I was called into the office. He told me that I was a good enough pilot, but that I should recant my statement if I didn't want to be seen as a girl who cried wolf. So I recanted. I was scared."

When she's done, she can hear everyone talking amongst themselves. Rooster's voice rings out the loudest.

"You son of a bitch, how dare you!" She turns around and sees Mav trying to calm Bradley down. Tears flood her vision, so she turns around quickly. She knows if he sees her tears that he'll get even more overprotective.

"But you didn't quit." Dragon's voice is strong and firm. "you didn't quit despite his best efforts, you continued through the rest of Top Gun. You won that trophy fair and square."

"Was it fair and square Dragon?" Hermes snarls. "Or did you and your husband score Lucky differently because she's the daughter you never had?"

"Shut up Luke." Strike says under his breath.

Before either of the Kazanskys' can speak up about the disrespect, it is Lucky that stands up.

"I told you yesterday, you can be an asshole to me all you want. You have been the entire time I've known you. But insulting these people? My family? That's where I draw the line with you. I've let you walk all over me for years. Because that time at Top Gun isn't the only time now was it Hermes?"

The eyes are on her again, but this time they encourage her.

"There was that time when we were stationed in Germany together."

Hermes looks down at the desk in front of him, too scared to look her in the eyes now that she holds the power.

"Bay, what happened in Germany?" Cin asks, giving her friend a careful smile, one that definitely told Lucky she would use her trusty taser on Hermes if need be.

"Hermes raped me in Germany, and this time he got to go all the way because there was nobody there to save me. Isn't that right?"

Hermes says nothing.

"And because Strike was still in a position of power I didn't report it, because I knew it would be swept under the rug just like it had been here. Because God forbid I be a girl that cried wolf."

Rooster jumps up, "you're a dead man Hermes - Mav stop trying to stop me - I can't wait to smack that smirk off your stupid fucking face."

"Only if I get a hit in too." Jake agrees.

"Oh get in line you two, I get first hit." Rueben spoke up.

"I think Mickey gets first dibs honestly." Javy adds and Phoenix agrees.

"Okay all of you, calm down." Whiskey mom voices them all.

Lucky sits down again, and the room is silent for a moment, a hand reaches out for hers. Mickey.

Mickey had never known about either time, she was too scared to even tell him. She hears Ice determine that all the men would be dishonorably discharged from the Navy for abandoning the mission and the various reports against them but she's not paying attention to them anymore. She's looking into those chocolate eyes she loves so much. She sees the hurt in them, but mostly she just sees love. He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and she smiles. He's done that since their first date, it's a way for him to tell her he loved her with no words.

She spells out "I'm sorry" on his palm, he shakes his head and writes back on hers "I am proud of you"

It takes all her strength to not kiss him right then and there.

Eventually the room clears, until only their little family remains. That's when Lucky bursts into tears, she's finally free. She's free of everything that Hermes ever did to her. Mickey holds her close but Dragon is the first to jump over the table to get to her daughter's other side. Baylie let's Dragon fuss over her. Let's her surrogate mother wipe away her tears.

"My baby."

"It's over Momma, we buried them."

"Yes you did baby."

While his wife fussed over their daughter, Ice looked around the room at their other hooligan children. Mav was still trying to talk Rooster off the ledge, it should shock nobody that he's taking the news that someone had hurt his sister the worst. Then there was Cin being comforted by Jake who also looked ready to murder someone. Rueben was leaning over Lucky while she got cuddled. Their other kids milled about talking quietly.

The door slammed open and Hermes was standing there face red like he'd struggled against someone to get back into the room.

"You little bitch!"

Lucky flinched, and unfortunately for Hermes, Rooster saw it out of the corner of his eye. Mav had thought it was over so no longer stood next to his godson and wasn't fast enough to stop him from launching his entire frame at Hermes. Bradley isn't the only one, almost all the Daggers throw themselves into the fight too. Even Mickey jumps in after making eye contact with Dragon knowing she had Baylie.

Ice doesn't even try to stop them. He should but he doesn't. He is haunted by the fact that something so awful happened to the young woman he saw as his own here at Top Gun and that it had been erased almost entirely. That she kept it to herself all these years just because some stuck up piece of shit had Grandpa cleaning up his messes. So instead of doing anything, he let's his feral children drag Hermes off base as Slider and Whiskey supervised. Once they have him gone from the room Ice takes the seat Mickey had been sitting in and puts an arm around his two best girls.

In that moment Lucky knew she was totally safe, and when she walked outside? The sun was shining again and something shiny caught her attention. A penny.

"Thanks Dad." Lucky says to the sky as she picks it up. Face up, and the year on it? The year William Steele met his future wife and daughter.

She watches as her husband walks back to her.

"I don't think you'll ever have to see his face again mí amor."

"Thank you, for everything Mickey."

He frames her face with his hands, "I'll always do whatever my girl needs me to do." He kisses her softly.

"I'm sorry I never told you, I didn't want you to worry about me."

"I've worried about you since that first day we met. I knew a pilot named Lucky would be nothing but trouble." He chuckles.

"I think I would like to make good on my promise from earlier." She says as he kisses her again.

"Then how about I take my wife home and show her how much I love her?"

"I think that's a great idea."

He picks her up bridal style causing her to laugh so hard she snorts. They pass by most of their friends completely ignoring them. Their only mission now? Get home and jump in bed.

William, buddy, you should probably look away now.

Rooster, you too.

Iceman, don't even think about using that spare key anytime soon.

[aonoexpat]

10-01-2024

Happy new year everybody! And as the previous submissions highlighted (thankss friends ❤️), yes, it's been a while, and I do apologise for the radio silence. My mental health has been a bit of a rollercoaster the past month and a half, and I've had to prioritise other things. But I'm not about to let the daunting task of summarising 6 weeks in 1 post discourage me! Let's go.

The talks of politics and philosophy at home have continued, occasionally with extra participants. They sent me down a pretty depressing and nihilistic spiral for a little while, but I feel like I've really managed to climb my way out of that again. I was finally brought to a bit of an epiphany that's made me able to at least pick myself up by my bootstraps, and though I'm currently not very comfortable in any hard political or philosophical positions, I seem to have a bit more grip on a general framework again. And that helped me stop moping around and start enjoying my time here more again. Though I'm still quite fragile mentally and quickly overwhelmed, sometimes to extremes that I haven't experienced in years, all in all I feel like this has been an incredibly humbling experience that has helped me grow tremendously. Who knew the last leg of my journey would be one of this kind? I spent four months exploring the South island, and now I've spent the next two exploring my own mind. Though I think that's a journey that will never truly be over, which is both exciting and terrifying.

I have been extremely lucky to be able to live this last bit of my journey rent-free, thanks to my wonderful housemates (and their adorable little dog):

Which meant that I could get away with only working part time. I still thoroughly enjoy my job and my coworkers (we love singing along at the top of our lungs to broadway songs as we clean up after close), but it's great to have a lot of free time around work to meet up with old friends and eat sushi or go to the beach...

...Play board games...

...Celebrate Sinterklaas...

...Organise all my marked road maps, give myself manicures and haircuts, and, with deep deep pain in my heart: sell Elrond 💔 I will say I was extremely lucky to be able to sell him for DOUBLE what I paid for him back in May 😱 I definitely did improve upon him, with the brand new solar panel, newly constructed bed and shiny new rear brakes. Still, I hadn't expected to get my asking price for him, but I got lucky having two interested buyers who wanted to compete. I can barely believe it, but this means I have almost fully earned back my entire South island trip, car costs and fuel costs combined! And now I don't have to worry about the scenario in which I wouldn't manage to sell him, and would have to leave him with friends. All that was definitely the silver lining I forced myself to focus on as I gave him one last deep clean, both to be able to present him properly to his new owners, and as a sort of closure ritual for myself. I cleaned out all the dead sandflies, dusted all the surfaces, vacuumed the floor mats, and gave the kitchen a thorough wash. Saying goodbye is never easy, and I definitely had to fight back some tears when his new owners came to pick him up and take him away. But they are absolute sweethearts (they already sent me a photo from their adventure with him), so I can rest assured that he is in good hands! Farewell my darling, you were the best first car I could have wished for, and you will not be forgotten ❤️

Aside from all that, I was also very glad to have the chance to go on two more spectacular hikes in this area!

Patuna Chasm

This GORGEous ~3-hour hike definitely justified my bringing my Teva active sandals with me from home, as almost three quarters of the walk was through knee-deep river water. It was a cold and windy morning as we got driven to the start of the track in a 4WD car by the owners of the land, and were told to be back at the drop-off point in three hours to be brought back to our own car. If we were to miss that car, we'd have to wait a full hour for the next ride. So with our route map in hand, we set off on the first leg of the hike, which took us up the hills and back down to the chasm. The views were stunning, with spectacular rock formations and the grass on the hill faces waving in the wind like a green ocean:

Down at the river, we got our clothes and bags ready to get wet, and stepped into the water. As we followed the river, first upstream towards some serene waterfalls (where I may have given myself a brain freeze and mild hypothermia by deciding to stand under them):

And then downstream to start making our way back to the car, it started to slowly rain, but that didn't stop us. We saw eels:

We clambered up muddy hills and over huge boulders, down ladders, through deep and shallow sections of the river, explored caves:

And when we finally got back to the section of the track that would take us to our starting point, two of my friends were kind enough to carry mine and our fourth friend's backpack, so we could go down the alternate route: the last stretch of the river, which required us to swim through neck-deep water. I couldn't feel my feet or forearms by the end, but the adrenaline drowned that out as we sprinted up the riverbank to make it back to the 4WD car, only to catch it right as it was about to leave without us! It was absolutely exhausting, but so much good old childish adventurous fun, and one of the most spectacular hikes I've done in the country! (Photo credits to Liv :) )

Escarpment Track

This was the last hike my friend and I did together, which was a sad fact I tried not to think about too much as we walked. The track took us about 10km along the East coast, and it was quite the climb. The view was stunning though, the path itself was very well laid out, with stairs and ropes to hold onto, and benches along the way, which we happily used to take a lunch break about halfway through.

We were very happy to have some cloud coverage that day so we weren't constantly exposed to the sun. My favourite parts were the two rope bridges that were bouncing wildly in the wind. Standing on them felt a little like flying!

And for most of the track we were flanked by immense amounts of fennel, which gave the whole walk a wonderful background aroma:

I was so amazed by the thought that this hike was literally 15 minutes from my friend's home. That type of easy access to incredible nature is definitely something I'm going to miss when I go home. But that made me all the more grateful I got to do this while I still could! (Photo credits to Liv :) )

Soon enough my birthday rolled around, which was an incredibly emotional day for me. I had to say goodbye to my dear friends, one of whom I won't see again before I leave the country. I gifted her a little hand made photo album of our adventures together, which had taken me a lot longer to make than I had anticipated, but luckily I had managed to finish it the night before:

She told me this wasn't a 'goodbye', but a 'see you next time', and though I'd happily believe that, the next time will be at least a long time from now. She has meant the world to me during this trip, has helped and supported me more than I could thank her for, so I had to bite back tears as I watched her walk away. After that I had drinks at work, where my super kind coworkers surprised me with vegan chocolate and doughnuts, making me struggle not to cry for the second time that day. In the evening I had a video call with home, during which I remotely participated in their game of Memory, and still WON 💪😤

After my birthday my housemates and I went straight into Christmas mode, running around decorating the house and cooking all sorts of dishes! It was very odd to have Christmas without the associated weather/season, and without getting to see my family. My housemate introduced me to Tim Minchin's song White Wine in the Sun, which makes me cry like a baby every time I listen to it. So I took a photo of myself and my housemates, drinking non-alcoholic sparkling white grape juice in the sun, and sent it home along with a link to the song to make my parents cry as well 😈 We spent our days here enjoying all the wonderful food and the company of the neighbour and his family, and I even got to sing some songs which I hadn't done in a long while. I also got to give Christmas presents to my housemates, which I worked quite hard on: matching cowl scarves for the two of them and the dog 😊

Of course next on the calendar was New Year's Eve. In honour of my family traditions, I got some non-alcoholic sparkling rose and cocktail fruit from the supermarket, and a couple of minutes before midnight a musician friend and I combined them into portable cups, so we could cheers to 2024 at the waterfront as the fireworks lit up the sky!

I had a wonderful night of music, dancing, playing on the beach, walking in the woods, and eventually sheltering from the rain, and didn't fall asleep until 6 in the morning. My sleeping rhythm still hasn't recovered! The next morning I woke up from my alarm at 11:55, and quickly got up so I could listen to the last minutes of the Top2000 and wish all my Dutch people a happy new year at noon. It felt so odd to do this in the sun in the middle of the day, but in a way that felt more real than the midnight before!

The next days I spent some time looking back at my highlights and achievements from 2023, and I created my own makeshift "Spotify wrapped" by analysing some statistics from my offline music player app. It turns out that (besides Asha, which is the music I play to fall asleep nearly every night) Ghost was my top artist of the year 🎧 Oh and I caught a big spider in my room!

For Sinterklaas, my parents had gifted me a metaphorical voucher to spend where I wanted to, so I got myself a ticket to a tour at Wēta Workshop, the SFX and other movie magic studio behind the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Avatar movies, and many more. I dragged one of my housemates and a mutual friend along, and I'm really happy we got to go! We were shown around the different stages in the SFX process, we got to hold some movie prop swords, and got to see the original weapons and armour used on-screen in a plethora of different movies. Unfortunately for copyright reasons we weren't allowed to take photos inside the studios and work stations, but I snapped some photos outside!

And while I'd much prefer not to face it... By now I have had to start focusing on my upcoming homebound trip. Slowly plans for when I get back home are trickling in, which feels very surreal. I can't believe it's actually only two weeks until I go home, a fact that I like to hide from as much as I can. It's not that I don't want to go home, I've been looking forward to seeing my family again, eating all my familiar foods, seeing my neighbourhood and getting to hug my friends again for so long now. And I am genuinely excited for that. Part of the reason I enjoy traveling is that it reminds me of what I love about home, and allows me to miss it, and return to it more grateful than before. But it also feels like returning to 'normal life'. I'm afraid of going from a time of adventure to a time of stagnation, even though I know that's not a fair or reasonable thought. I suppose something I was afraid of is happening, which is that I feel at home here now, and happy, and have found the right people, and am enjoying the summer, and so going home (to winter 🥶) actually doesn't sound very attractive at all at times, at least not the way it did when I was living in Elrond. Back then I was struggling a lot more, I felt alone and lost, and so the thought of going home felt like such a relief. Now that I've grown accustomed to the luxury of living in a house again, and being surrounded by a social network I feel safe and appreciated in... the contrast is a lot smaller. And it almost feels like I'm going to feel homesick towards here when I go home. Like this upcoming flight is my departure, not my return.

This thought was solidified even more when my housemate asked if I'd be willing to wear a sweater that I'm not going to take with me as much as I can for the last two days or so, so that it will smell like me and I can leave it for the dog 😭💔 I really struggle not to cry at that thought, and I'm wondering if maybe (i.e. am pretty sure actually that) I'm even procrastinating with booking the trip between here and Tāmakimakaurau out of pure denial. I don't want to leave. I don't want to say goodbye, and never come back. Much more than I ever felt with Australia, I want to return here. I don't care when, maybe that will be when I'm old and retired and have no family left in Europe to miss, or when the most important people to me come with me, or if I find out I have been irrevocably changed and flee back here in a year or two. But I want to come back.

I have procured a second suitcase, and am slowly working on getting all my possessions sorted. I've sold my busking amp and microphones to a good musician friend after we'd used it for a last busking hurrah at the harbourside veggie markets last Sunday. It was a fantastic end to this busking season for me, as we connected with the crowd, the weather was wonderful, and I got to sing all the songs that were important to me. I can't bring my guitar with me, so I'll bring it to my friends' house for safekeeping, and maybe they can get it back to me some day. And the big pink bear who was riding shotgun with me in Elrond? It would break my heart to leave him behind, so I stuffed him into one of those vacuum seal bags:

And I'm going to break my back trying to fit him into the new suitcase! He means too much to me, even if I only paid $10 for him.

My to do list is shrinking slowly but steadily, and I really have to plan well to fit everything that's left into the little time I still have here. I am going to make the most of it, spend time with the people here that have meant the most to me, immortalise the memories and when the time comes, I will get on that plane with a fond smile ❤️

[siriuslytproblem28]

okay so i wanna talk abt a few things regarding crimson rivers... I've just finished ch 70, btw 🥺🥺🥺🥺 like i get that it's the right thing to be done but that doesn't make it any less devasting 💔

anyways, i kept listening to the same playlist while reading the last few 20 something chapters or so, and some songs became like specific for certain people or certain topics and i want to share that:

• epiphany became Monty's song 🥺 it was playing during his death and i found it to be soo fitting... i wasn't really expecting right there and then, and exaclty as effie was talking to him, breaking down to his dying, it played "with you i served, with you i fall down" and then when he bleeds out it plays "watch you breathing out" but it sounds SOO MUCH LIKE "watch you bleeding out" 💔💔💔 so whenever james or effie were talking about monty, or even right at the begging where both wouldn't leave the bed, i read the whole thing listening to epiphany and it suited so well

• also, be my mistake became jegulus song, somewhere before the second arena, probably before the reaping

• hoax became the song for whenever jegulus or wolfstar were having a hard time and we're talking our taking comfort out of each other's company, touch, tender little moments between them that gave them some sort of security, that to me can be translated into "don't want no other shade of blue, but you, no other sadness in this world would do", like no matter how broken and fucked up they are, the ones who live them will want them and love either way, because of it and not despite.

• safe and sound became the theme for more tender moments, not particularly peaceful because zar and zar's readers do not know an ounce of peace, but ykwim

• bury a friend or glory and gore for action or badass scenes, riddles and albus murder and all that

• i know the end, atlantis, fourth of july, sparks and unsteady for angst moments, heavier or darker in a way i can't really explain

• evermore for marylilly, especially Lilly's issues with anger and the feeling of perpetually having to fighta and grieve, feeling trapped inside what has been her default for years now, but wanting so badly to feel safe, still not knowing how, as like "i had a feeling so peculiar that this pain would be forevermore" and then every time she spends with mary and especially after she opens up with her, "this pain wouldn't be forevermore" because she sees it now

HONORABLE MENTIONS TO safe and sound and eyes open, that i kept returning to at more random moments

ok so i went through the whole playlist but these are mainly the songs i kept going back to instead of leaving it on shuffle and the ones that are heavily associated with moments/people and i wanted to leave that somewhere :)

only one chapter for me to catch up now, I've come so far 🥺