#h&cf finale feels

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

“this is television done right and i would die on that hill... solsbury hill, if you will” 

(x)

[moonstrider9904]

Chapter 3 - A New Armor

Chapter Summary: The aftermath of Echo's rescue ensues. Still bonding with the members of CF 99, Sarah begins to question to herself where she feels she belongs while the rest of the troopers question Echo's loyalty.

Word count: 5.5k

Warnings/tags: mentions of death and mourning, canon-typical violence, some language, bit of angst and lots of emotional moments with Echo.

A/N: This chapter is mostly dialogue and "off-camera" things for so to speak because I didn't want to merely retell the events of the episodes, I feel like that would be tedious to write and even more tedious as readers. I'm a bit insecure of this chapter, so please let me know if you like it!! Enjoy!

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With the help of the troopers, Sarah was able to walk through the ventilation system well enough for the blur to fade fairly quickly. The moment she was better, she caught up to Rex and Echo and secured her old friend’s left flank, helping him walk better through the cold vents. She felt remorse for not having been there the whole time when he woke up, but as soon as she felt Echo’s eyes on her, she knew he didn’t hold it against her.

The former ARC trooper was only just beginning to make sense of the world around him, but he recognized his dearest friend. He’d recognize her anywhere. He remembered how much his twin brother loved her, the fun times they had together. And yet, scanning the squadron there to rescue him, he only recognized her, Rex, and Skywalker. He had no idea who the other troopers were.

Fives was nowhere to be seen.

Intuitive as ever, Sarah knew what thoughts were going through Echo’s mind. Her eyes hardened on him, fighting off the tears. She wouldn’t burden Echo with the news of Fives’ loss, though Sarah couldn’t fool herself. Echo was strong enough to deal with it at the moment, she was the one who wasn’t.

To make an exit, the squad had to cross a slim path between two buildings of Purkoll. It would make for a dangerous makeshift bridge, a trail already dangerous in itself without the presence of battle droids, who arrived shortly after. While the rest of the group concentrated on fighting off the droids, an effort on borrowed time as more kept coming in waves, Sarah held her hand out to the wind and focused on the bond she had formed with the Keeradak back at the village, asking for its help.

As seldom as it happened, Sarah’s focus broke when she saw the marksman of the group tumbling on his feet. He began to swing forward, losing his balance, and was just beginning to cry out at a volume alien in his coiled, quiet voice, when Sarah launched herself to catch him. She successfully caught hold of his wrist, earning her a moment’s relief that would be cut far too short when she realized she had begun swinging in his direction too. Now, they were both falling.

The vertigo of the fall hit her just as she felt another sensation. It was that of a large hand grabbing hold of her ankle, stopping her fall and Crosshair’s as well and leaving them hanging.

“I’ve got you!”

Sarah recognized Wrecker’s voice. He was hanging on for dear life with his legs, and touched as she was by how the one most terrified of the height had been the first to launch himself to save her and his brother, Sarah’s eyes were drawn to Crosshair’s dark visor.

“Don’t let go!” She called out to him.

In the position they were in, they were looking at one another. When his gloved hand tightened around her forearm, Rigel swore she could see Crosshair’s eyes through the visor. Despite the barrier, the image was clearer than ever. Hazy, like a dream. In it was both the image of his eyes the way they always were, so sharp, piercing, and confident, but the image of his fearful gaze, terrified of falling, overlapped.

Even the sounds around her blurred, though she was sure that the situation was to blame for that. It was the only thing that made sense. When she finally regained notion of the world around her, she heard the call of the Keeradaks bringing her attention back to focus, and shortly after that, she saw Anakin leaping off the path and landing on the back of one of the winged creatures.

Another one of the Keeradaks, the one who had bonded with Rigel, flew its way over to her and waited below.

“Wrecker!” Rigel called.

The gentle giant groaned with doubt, apprehensive at the thought of letting her and Crosshair go, but he trusted Rigel and let go of her ankle. Still clutching each other’s forearms, they fell onto the back of the Keeradak, who needed no steering to get them out of the way of the droids’ blasting. Swiftly, it flew around the perimeter as the remaining troopers took their places with the Keeradaks.

Their hands still held one another. Crosshair and Sarah shared a look for less than a second, one loaded with a seemingly electrical charge. Sarah then turned, setting herself properly over the back of her trusted Keeradak to get a better view of the battle. Crosshair wrapped his arm holding the rifle around her torso for grip, and with his spare hand took out his hand blaster to finish off any remaining droids from that angle. It baffled Sarah how accurate his shots were with such a basic blaster.

“That’s all of us!” Tech called through the comms. “The things can fly, so we better get out of here fast!”

“I got this,” Crosshair answered him and twisted to get an aim at the five droids who had followed them. With ease, as well as with the aid of Sarah keeping the Keeradak as steady as possible, he shot the droids down and granted them all a clear flight path back to the Poltec village.

Landing at the village did not bring anyone a sense of calm. On touchdown, Crosshair got off the Keeradak, his body still and controlled as it should be for a man of his profession. Sarah followed, her hand lingering on top of the Keeradak’s skull as a gesture of gratitude, and then she faced Crosshair with concerned eyes.

Crosshair then removed his helmet and gazed into Sarah’s unique eyes. His chest heaved up and down, clearly still agitated, but his face reflected only his most stoic of moods.

“Are you alright?” She asked him.

He hesitated a mere second, but he nodded quietly.

“Did…” Sarah trailed off, thinking back to the haze she felt when his hand on her forearm had tightened. “Did you feel that too?”

Quiet as ever, Crosshair shook his head, but at that time, his eyes betrayed him. It was then that Sarah knew one thing about that man. He could not hide an emotion even if he willed it. And though with his body he was denying having felt anything or even knowing what she referred to, the doubt in his eyes let her know he did. He had felt it too, and Rigel could only suspect what it had been.

The moment was broken by slightly raised voices in Basic and in the language of the Poltecs. Not far off, a discussion was taking place, with Hunter walking over to Rigel and Crosshair for aid.

“Things aren’t looking good. Tambor will know where we are,” Hunter said.

“So we go and leave the village out of this,” Sarah said.

“He’ll send a full army, we don’t have that,” Hunter replied. “That and even if we left, Tambor knows the Poltecs have come in contact with us. They’ll be doomed if we leave them. The only way we can win is with their help; Rex is talking things out with them right now.”

Sarah looked over Hunter’s shoulder at the scene. She saw Rex’s expression of worry, his intents most clear and sincere in his eyes. Hardened by war as he was, Sarah couldn’t think of a kinder man. And Echo, tired and physically weak. She wanted to throw Tambor into that stasis chamber, see if he liked it. And the Chief stood before them, towering over the soldiers. While the Chief had been concerned over their return to the village, and with full reason, he was now sympathetic to their cause, indignant at Echo’s condition. Then, he nodded at Rex in agreement, signifying an alliance for the upcoming battle.

Crosshair put his helmet back on, drawing Sarah’s attention.

“I’ll find a cliff to snipe from,” Crosshair commented, his voice sounding more like his own now.

“Take Echo with you,” Sarah stopped him before he left. “Please. He can’t be down here in the middle of a battle.”

“I wasn’t thinking of leaving him down here.”

Sarah’s eyes flashed gratitude, but Crosshair swung the imposing Firepuncher rifle over his shoulder before she could say anything to him.

“He’ll be fine,” was all that Crosshair said before turning his back and walking off.

Sarah, however, was left merely able to gaze after him.

“He does that a lot,” Hunter broke the silence. “But he’s a good man.”

“I don’t doubt that, smug as he is,” Sarah turned her body, but her gaze lingered on the marksman until the Keeradak walked up beside her. She then sighed and allowed herself to finally return to reason.

She faced Hunter. “We have to win.”

Hunter chuckled and radiated confidence as he placed his helmet on too. “That’s the thing with my squad. We know no other way.”

*

It had been a hard battle resulting in victory. Everyone fought bravely, but lives at the Poltec village were lost. Huts and houses had been destroyed, debris covered the ground, columns of smoke rose from the now put out fires. The sun had just set when the battle finished, but no one slept. Everyone’s efforts had been put into cleaning up the village, honoring the dead, clearing paths for rebuilding.

Sarah had been on the ground level fighting alongside Rex and Hunter. On multiple occasions, droids approaching her had been shot down from afar, a sign someone was watching over her. The night grew older, and her gaze had locked with Crosshair’s more than a few times. No words were spoken, but the closer the village got to a decent state, people’s moods began to clear up too.

Late in the night, the clouds had cleared from the sky, giving view to the vast night sky. The villagers went to sleep in the huts that weren’t damaged, and one hut was set aside for the soldiers to sleep in. Sarah had noticed Echo was worn out, and she made sure Echo would have a good place to sleep in. As soon as she knew he was warm and resting, Sarah opted to stepping outside of the hut.

Her mind was heavy with thoughts. The night was cold, so she lit a bonfire not far away from the hut where Echo and the rest of her squad were staying. The warmth of the fire and her overwhelmed mind drew the herd of Keeradaks to her and curled up in a sleeping pile, providing Sarah a sort of bed to rest in. She smiled softly at them and thanked them before joining the little pile, at last finding a small sense of comfort she could treasure.

Now that everyone was supposed to be sleeping, Sarah heard someone approaching her. It was Echo walking towards her, slowly and unaided. She ran over to him and helped him walk the rest of the way until he could rest next to the Keeradaks too, and in the silence, the two softly smiled at one another.

"Sorry I’ve been aloof,” Sarah confessed. “What brings you out here?”

"I felt like I needed air," Echo chuckled, seeming a bit like his old self with his charisma still shining through the crippled exterior. "I've been enclosed too long."

Sarah’s smile turned grim. "Yeah... you sure you're okay, though? You're not too cold or anything?"

"I’m good," he replied. "The bonfire helps."

The conversation fell silent again, with only the sounds of the Keeradak’s breathing and occasional snoring as well as the light cracking of the bonfire..

"Hey," Echo then broke the silence.

"Mm?" She looked up.

Echo’s eyes found hers. "What's happened since... you know?"

Sarah knew he would ask that question eventually, but that didn’t mean for a second she was prepared to answer it. She breathed deeply and couldn’t keep herself looking into his eyes. "A lot’s happened. Too much."

Every second of silence that passed felt eternal. As Sarah thought of a way to phrase it, she felt Echo’s left hand, light and cold, falling on top of hers. They met eyes once more, millions of words unspoken between their gazes. Sarah knew Echo knew. Nevertheless, he deserved to hear it spoken.

"Sarah?" He said. "Why isn't Fives here?"

Her eyes hardened and pooled with tears. The knot in her throat prevented her from speaking, though she tried with all her might. "He… Fives…"

Echo sighed when the tears streamed down her face. "I'm sorry..."

The horrible truth he’d suspected was true. Fives, his twin brother, his partner in crime, the charismatic trooper who never failed to smile at anyone, was gone.

“How did it happen?” Echo asked quietly.

"We were looking into the odd behavior of a trooper named Tup," Sarah told him and chuckled softly. "Kind Tup… you would have liked him. But something was off, to this day it doesn’t make sense. He killed a Jedi, but it wasn’t intentional. It was horrible, so Fives and I wound up on Kamino and resolved to get to the bottom of things, but we split up. I went back to Coruscant to try and persuade the Jedi Council to look into the matter with us while he stayed on Kamino.” She paused to take a deep, shaky breath. “I know he figured something out, but I never knew what that was. By the time he'd returned to Coruscant he was a fugitive. From there, it could only go downhill. He tried everything–you know what he was like. He’d never stop, but it all backfired on him."

A long pause loomed over them, and one of the Keeradaks rested its head on Sarah’s lap as a gesture of comfort.

“Next thing I know, Rex is knocking at my door to give me the news,” Sarah concluded.

Echo sighs again. "Sarah... I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she wiped her tears and ran her hand over the Keeradak’s head. "The best thing we can do now is just make sure it wasn't in vain, you know?"

"Right," Echo slowly nodded. "But still..."

Sarah looked at Echo and took his hand again, bringing his gaze to hers. "He'd be thrilled to know you're alive and back in good hands.”

He smiled softly. "I’m glad to see you’re handling it well."

"Oh, I handled it terribly back then," Sarah chuckled. "I broke. Hell, I deserted and for the longest time I was running around with pirates."

"Really?"

"Going to the cyber center and finding out you're alive was the first mission I've been on since that." She quieted down. “Echo, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t go back for you at the Citadel, all this could have been prevented.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Echo told her. “You hear me? It’s not your fault.”

Her eyes teared up again and she moved closer to him. Echo leaned his head on Sarah’s shoulder and they remained staring at the bonfire as they felt the Keeradaks shift amongst themselves to spoon her and Echo.

"At least now things are closer to being back to normal," said Echo

"I'm not so sure about that," Sarah replied.

He looked up at her. "Why?"

"Well... I mean, I'm back now, and you, me and Rex are together, and the war goes on," Sarah said. "And I love Rex, he's more of a brother to me than anything, but things aren't really the same. And that's not a bad thing, but when things aren't the same, you have to move to where they feel right."

Echo looked back at the bonfire. "I get it..."

She smiled softly. "I’m sorry for rambling, it’s been a long day. Whatever the case..."

Echo looked up at her again when she trailed off.

"I am so happy," her voice was shaky again, "so unbelievably happy that you are alive." She gently put her arms around Echo, pressing him gently to her body as though she felt he’d break and planting a soft kiss on his forehead. "My best friend is alive..."

When she felt Echo getting tired, Sarah helped him back to the hut where he initially was. Greeted by Hunter, who helped set Echo down so that he could rest, Sarah waited by the doorway of the hut as he headed back to see her out.

“You sure you don’t want to stay?” He asked her. “There’s plenty of room, and I hear Wrecker’s a hell of a pillow.”

"I'm sure," she smiled. "I still have to put out the bonfire and I've got a bed of Keeradaks waiting for me."

“Right,” Hunter smiled softly. “Well then, it looks like you were right.”

Sarah couldn’t help the little glint of mischief in her smile. “Told you.”

“Hold on, it’s not over yet,” Hunter said.

She raised a brow. “Meaning?”

“I’ve yet to decide if I trust the guy,” Hunter told her.

“I hope you like constantly being proved wrong,” she said. “Echo’s not a danger, alright?”

“I’m not saying anything.”

The conversation was interrupted when a balled up blanket was launched from inside the hut and hit the side of Hunter’s head, a clear sign for him to be quiet from one of his brothers. Sarah chuckled quietly, though still sounding like music in the night’s silence. Hunter’s soft gaze fell on her, admittedly making her forget her name for a bit.

“Go to sleep, okay?” Hunter said softly.

She smiled a bit. “You too. Goodnight.”

After Hunter went back inside the hut, Sarah made her way back to the Keeradaks. She enjoyed the silence in her mind now that the weight of telling Echo about Fives had been lifted off her shoulders, and she lay face up gazing at the stars wondering what could be in store from there on out. Echo had been rescued, now what? Would she remain a soldier? Would she take Hunter up on his offer? Could she afford to leave Echo again?

When exhaustion overwhelmed her, she finally fell asleep.

*

In the time it took to plan a mission to finally take back Anaxes, Echo seemed to recover enough to hold his own during a stealth mission. With Rex and Sarah vouching for him, it wasn’t difficult for Echo to gain an important part in the mission that would define how much longer the GAR would hold up against the Separatists, and efforts were being carried out swiftly in order to prepare.

Sarah got a head start towards the Marauder while Echo and Rex briefed the plan to General Windu. Tech and Wrecker were loading a hover cart with weaponry–it appeared to be a little too many weapons for a squadron of six clones plus two–while she walked up the platform and headed for the cockpit. She went in to see Hunter already there, who was resting back on one of the cockpit’s chairs with his bandana over his eyes, though he smiled when Sarah walked in.

“I appreciate your light steps,” Hunter said, his eyes still covered. “My brothers walk far too loudly, with the exception of Crosshair. Makes me wish they’d all been trained as snipers.”

Surprising Sarah before she could reply to Hunter, Crosshair walked up behind her.

“How touching,” Crosshair slurred as he made his way to the back of the ship.

“It would help if you weren’t such a bastard all the time,” Hunter chuckled.

Crosshair was about to shoot back a snarky remark the way he always did, but he remained silent when he saw Sarah standing before him. The absence of a response seemed to make Hunter intrigued, prompting him to sit up and lift the bandana off his eyes only to see Crosshair looking closely at Sarah.

The sniper looked her up and down. “What weapon are you using?”

“I usually just grab whatever’s on hand,” she said. “I’ll probably grab a spare blaster when the others arrive. Why?”

Crosshair seemed to hesitate, and he looked away from Sarah for a brief second. She noticed he was looking over at Hunter, who had a dubious look on his face. Sarah then got a light sensation of intuition within her marks that was telling her that whatever Crosshair was about to do, not only did he think it was pathetic, but a part of him also wished Hunter wasn’t there. He must have realized his eldest brother wouldn’t leave, making Crosshair sneer silently, realizing he could either do it with just Hunter there or with the whole party.

Wordless, Crosshair turned around and went to the back of the ship where the foot lockers rested. He took out his weapon kit and opened it to reveal a spare Firepuncher and, alongside it, a less elaborate rifle, a 444-Long Shot about half the length of a Firepuncher. He took its components and turned to face Sarah again, assembling it in front of her so she could watch how it was done. He then handed the fully assembled rifle to her, setting it softly in her hands.

“A rifle like this is better for a stealth mission,” Crosshair said with his usual tone. “You can use it. If you want to.”

Sarah looked at the rifle and felt its durasteel light on her hands before looking up at Crosshair again. “Thank you.”

Judging by his expression alone, anyone could have assumed Crosshair could have cared less about what was happening when he made his way past Sarah and went to rest at the copilot’s chair away from her and Hunter. Sarah wouldn’t have made much more of it had it not been for Hunter’s reaction after Crosshair was at the front of the ship.

Hunter looked closely at his brother as though he were trying to decipher a puzzle. The feeling was normal for Sarah, but she assumed as his brother, Hunter would know him perfectly. Perhaps he did, meaning what Crosshair had just done was a wild card. Then, Hunter turned to her and looked at the weapon, and to say he seemed surprised would be an understatement.

“That was Crosshair’s first rifle,” Hunter commented.

Touched as she was by the gesture, Sarah picked up an emotion in Hunter that prevented her from putting all the attention on Crosshair, but it made her just as puzzled as he claimed to feel over Crosshair’s gesture. Was that feeling she perceived in Hunter really jealousy?

“We are almost ready to go, we just need to wait for General Skywalker and for Echo,” Tech announced his presence as he entered the Marauder followed by Wrecker. His goggled eyes fell on the Long Shot and he smiled with pleasant surprise as he walked up to Sarah.

“Ah! You know, I modified that rifle long ago,” Tech said. “The scope has three settings depending on how far away from your target you are, and it also has a stun setting. Not many sniper rifles these days do–actually, back in the day, they didn’t have them either, and this was one of the very first weapons Crosshair allowed me to tinker with, partly because he wanted something to up his game before he got his hands on the Firepuncher.”

“Anything else I should know about this rifle?” Sarah asked him.

“It’s a beauty,” Tech adjusted his goggles. “And I am not just saying that because it is essentially reworked from scratch by my skilled hands. As for functionality, I left the settings as close to default as possible. It does not have as many extensions and accessories as a Firepuncher but it is by all means a decent rifle.”

Sarah couldn’t help but look over at Crosshair after Tech explained it all, but the marksman appeared to refuse to look at her. She smiled softly, making a mental note to herself that she should thank him later, and then she looked at Tech again.

“Will Echo take long?” She asked.

Tech sighed, hesitant. “No, he should be here soon.”

Sarah raised a brow. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

“That sigh,” she said.

Tech adjusted his goggles again. “Sarah, I must be blunt with you. There is a rift between the members of this squadron as to whether or not Echo can be trusted.”

Sarah looked over at Hunter, who shrugged as he took a seat.

“I didn’t tell them anything,” Hunter said. “He was working for Separatists.”

“Against his will,” Sarah said.

“He left Anaxes in pieces,” Wrecker said, his voice quiet yet still with some of its natural gravel. “If something goes wrong, we might not be able to fix it.”

“Okay, you guys weren’t there,” Sarah felt anger bubbling in her. “He was wired to the stasis chamber we found him in; it was as if he wasn’t even alive. He was a machine in the hands of the Separatists, he wasn’t willingly helping any of them.”

“So I have tried to tell them repeatedly,” Tech commented.

“We’re just trying to be careful,” Hunter said. “We look out for each other.”

“And if you think this is all going to go wrong, why bother coming at all?” Sarah countered.

Hunter stood up and walked over her, and it was only then that Sarah realized how much he towered over her. His shoulders were broad, his aura was mysterious and steamy, evidently attractive. He was like a wolf, imposing in nature, but wise and surprisingly gentle.

“Because we don’t leave our own behind,” Hunter answered.

Sarah didn’t expect that answer. “None of you were coming along either way.”

“I know,” he said. “I meant you.”

She was left speechless. Hunter walked to the back of the ship just as Rex, Echo, and Anakin arrived. Sarah took notice of the helmet Echo hugged in his arm, it was white and had two vertical blue stripes on the top, resembling his old helmet. She walked up to him and gave him a soft smile.

“Are you feeling okay to get into battle?” She asked him.

“I really wish you’d stop treating me like I’m about to break,” Echo said. “We both know I’m made of stronger stuff than that.”

She smiled at him, happy to feel her best friend was truly back. “Lead the way, then. You’re the ARC trooper here.”

She and Echo exchanged a smile; just as the Marauder was taking off, Sarah rested her palm on the left side of Echo’s chest plate the way she would with his old armor, determined to end the breach of trust there was among the batch. She knew there was no way any suspicions of Echo’s loyalty could be true, even if it was the last thing she had to prove.

In the end, things proved to go smoothly. Everything Echo said he would do, he carried out successfully. Even in the face of a bomb threat on Anaxes, things would have gone alright had it not been for a neural overload, courtesy of Admiral Trench. But despite some of Echo’s plans being a bit reckless, the mission proved to be successful, and Anaxes had finally fallen out of Separatist hands.

Once the Marauder had reentered Anaxes’ atmosphere, Sarah gently held the Long Shot rifle to her chest. It had proven to be a wonderful weapon, accurate and steady, though wobbly in her hands. Regardless of what happened after that mission, where she stayed or what she did, Sarah knew she wanted to practice more with rifles.

On the way back, Sarah caught Hunter’s glance for a bit. After he’d been looking at Echo, now with confidence rather than the distrust he’d had earlier, he was even smiling a bit. When they landed and left the ship, Sarah had the rifle placed on a pack on her back, and she began to feel the nostalgia hit her. She supposed she’d remain in the army; she’d felt more than alright fighting in battle again and things were better now that Echo was with her again.

Although that probably meant parting with Clone Force 99, and her heart sunk at the thought.

Echo and Rex walked forward a bit; Echo gave Sarah a small nod before walking off, leaving her with Hunter and the others. She then looked at the four peculiar clones and smiled at them.

“Thank you for all your help,” Sarah said. “And your trust.”

“You were kind of hard to disagree with,” Hunter smiled.

“That’s because I’m always right,” Sarah replied in a teasing manner, though she felt herself soften. She grabbed the rifle from the pack and began to hand it to Crosshair. “I believe this is yours.”

Crosshair didn’t make an attempt to reach for the rifle despite the fact that she was clearly giving it back. When Sarah appeared puzzled, Hunter gently pushed the rifle back towards her and caught her gaze.

“You never gave me your answer,” he said. “Remember?”

Sarah remembered perfectly how he’d implied her joining Clone Force 99 that first night underneath the auroras. Still, she couldn’t help but be surprised once more. “I never actually believed you were asking that of me.”

Hunter smiled. “Think about it. And Echo, both of you. The door’s open if you want it.”

Her eyes scanned those of Wrecker and Tech, and they smiled in agreement with Hunter’s words. She then looked at Crosshair, who wasn’t quite meeting her eyes until she looked at him. His gaze, hard as always, had a note of plea to it, a mere dash in his eyes that said he’d be alright with it too if she were to join them. To Crosshair, that Long Shot rifle was as good as hers.

The four troopers headed back for their ship’s platforms and talked amongst one another as Sarah stood there and watched them. Echo walked up behind her shortly after, watching them as well.

"I've been thinking about what you said," he said. "Back on Skako."

"Me too," said Sarah as she turned to face him. “I’m not going to pretend it’s not a huge decision. What do you feel?

"Sarah, we've been through so much together, and with Rex too,” Echo told her.

"And yet nothing is truly the same now," she said. “I haven’t quite put this to words even to myself, but I wouldn’t feel right going back to the 501st. I don’t think it’s my place anymore, I feel it in my marks.”

Echo sighed. “Yeah, I get what you mean. I don’t think ARC trooper suits me much anymore.”

Almost as if on queue, Rex walked up behind them. From the look on his face, Sarah could tell he knew what she and Echo were contemplating, and he didn’t seem to protest.

"We have been through a lot," Rex said. "Together and apart. I won't chain either of you down here if you know you belong elsewhere, and to tell you the truth, I honestly believe you do."

Sarah’s features inevitably saddened, but her dismay was countered by Rex’s distinctly kind smile.

“I know that wherever you are, you’ll both do great things,” Rex continued. “And I could not be prouder of you both. I know Fives would be bursting with pride too if he saw you.”

Echo and Sarah exchanged looks and, just before Sarah began to cry, they both hugged Rex, and he hugged them back.

"Thank you," Sarah whispered.

"Don't mention it," Rex said as he broke the hug. "You’ll have to tell me stories of your adventures with Clone Force 99. Those are without a doubt some of the finest troopers I've ever fought with."

Sarah smiled through her teary eyes. "And you're the single finest trooper I've ever followed into battle."

Then, she and Echo saluted Rex, and he returned the gesture. The three then shared one more hug, a hug bursting with friendship. While parting, Echo donned a mischievous smile, one that held a tiny glimpse of his old self.

“When I get my new armor, I’m going to need to see you again, preferably with a bucket of red paint,” Echo said.

Rex chuckled. “You still want my handprint?”

“It’s only right,” Echo said.

Rex and Echo grasped each other’s forearms in a salute, and then Rex turned around and walked to where he belonged, leaving Sarah and Echo with a similar sensation, only in what seemed like the great wide outside.

Sarah turned in the direction of the Marauder. "Can you walk?"

"I sure can," Echo replied confidently.

Together, Sarah and Echo walked up to the ship. Everyone greeted them in their fashion, the best one, by all means, being Wrecker’s loud cheering, announcing to the whole base that Clone Force 99 had two new members. He stood between her and Echo and hugged them both tightly, making Sarah laugh. As Hunter welcomed, all Sarah could do was see each one of them. Tech, Wrecker, Hunter. Crosshair.

For the first time in what genuinely felt like forever, things felt right for Sarah.

---

Tags: @photowizard17

[syyskirjat]

Okay I’m reading the pronunciation/transciption appendix now

The Westron or Common Speech has been entirely translated into English equivalents. An Hobbit names and special words are intended to be pronounced accordingly: for example, Bolger has g as in bulge, and mathom rhymes with fathom.

Not gonna lie, I have always pronounced these wrong. I guess it’s just me being influenced by Finnish a bit too much.

K is used in names drawn from other than Elvish languages, with the same value as c; kh thus represents the same sound as ch in Orkish Grishnákh, or Adûnaic (Númenórean) Adûnakhôr.

There's something kind of interesting to me about this choice and what it says about Tolkien's associations. Latin style spelling for Elvish while everybody else gets... well idk, I feel like kh tends to be used to transcribe that sound in non-Western European languages?

Although k of course is used a lot in Northern Europe (including Dutch and German and even English).

(This got a bit long so the rest is under a cut)

L represents more or less the sound of English initial l, as in let. It was, however, to some degree 'palatalized' between e, i and a consonant, or finally after e, i. (The Eldar would probably have transcribed English bell, fill as beol, fiol.) LH represents this sound when voiceless (usually derived from initial sl-). In (archaic) Quenya this is written hl, but was in the Third Age usually pronounced as l. 

So I unfortunately don’t know much about the Celtic languages but I know Tolkien studied them and was inspired by them and this is where I think that shows? Based on what little I do know about like Irish spelling. And of course the voiceless L as its own sound rather than an allophone of voiced L.

NG represents ng in finger, except finally where it was sounded as in English sing. The latter sound also occurred initially in Quenya, but has been transcribed n (as in Noldo), according to the pronunciation of the Third Age. 

This is another interesting choice because I feel like if Noldo was spelled Ngoldo it would immediately look non-European.

R represents a trilled r in all positions; the sound was not lost before consonants (as in English part). 

You can tell Tolkien is a linguist because he says “before consonants“, because of course it doesn’t fully disappear (even in non-rhotic dialects) if it’s followed by a vowel.

The Orcs, and some Dwarves, are said to have used a back or uvular r, a sound which the Eldar found distasteful. 

Sure, the Eldar found it distasteful, not you of course...

RH represents a voiceless r (usually derived from older initial sr-). It was written hr in Quenya. Cf. L. 

I’m not entirely sure what sound this is supposed to mean? I assume a non-sibilant voiceless alveolar fricative? I have to admit, I don’t think I’ve run into that kind of sound before. Apparently it appears in some English accents as an allophone of t?

The use of the circumflex in other languages such as Adûnaic or Dwarvish has no special significance, and is used merely to mark these out as alien tongues (as with the use of k). 

... weird but okay.

The groups er, ir, ur (finally or before a consonant) are not intended to be pronounced as in English fern, fir, fur, but rather is English air, eer, oor. 

So my instinct is to assume that the ur has the same vowel as the u described earlier (with the same u as in brute in English) but the pronunciation of oor seems very inconsistent in English and depends heavily on the accent so idek.

Is it like poor or like door? Or neither? And if it is one of those then according to which accent? Or is it just IPA [ur] which would make it consistent with the er and ir?

In Dwarvish, which did not possess the sounds represented above by th and ch (kh), th and kh are aspirates, that is t or k followed by an h, more or less as in backhand, outhouse. 

Ooooh this interesting actually. So I assume this means Dwarvish has a distinction between aspirated and unaspirated plosives?

[theartistknownaslymond]

A playlist for Checkmate-era Philippa? x

mon chois et fait

A band AU playlist for Philippa pining over Francis. cf. Francis pining over Philippa, here

The final piece of the puzzle, if you will (young Philippa’s influences, Philippa’s musical evolution from DK through to RC)

Johnny Cash - Drink To Me Only With Thine Eyes

Erasure - Ship of Fools

Elvis Costello - Deep Dark Truthful Mirror

Shelagh McDonald - Stargazer

Kate Bush - Never Be Mine

Deacon Blue - The World is Lit by Lightning

Queen - Scandal

Pet Shop Boys - I'm Not Scared

New Order - All the Way

Steeleye Span - Seagull

Clannad - Almost Seems (Too Late to Turn)

Donna Summer - Breakaway

Tracy Chapman - Crossroads

Anne Briggs - Go Your Way

Shelagh Mcdonald - Let No Man Steal Your Thyme

The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York

Prince & the Revolution - When Doves Cry

Eurythmics - We Two Are One

Faceclaims: Ellie Kendrick and Patrick Wolf. Idk when or why, but I got it in my head that the music of 1989 was largely naff, but then I started digging and it turns out there are a lot of songs about the difficulty of being in the spotlight while going through private turmoil. So - I hope you all like pain!

1) Yes it’s Ben Jonson’s poem, but sung by Johnny Cash. Technically only released on a later album, but I’m going to assume there was precedent for him and others performing it live in this style - Paul Robeson made it a big hit too, but the guitar version here is more Philippa. It’s *probably* the best I can do for a band AU equivalent to ‘Tant que je vive’, for now, at least, and Philippa has been established to be a big fan of Johnny Cash already.

2) The title of this is also a bit of a Renaissance Easter egg, but the lyrics don’t seem to resemble the text known as the Ship of Fools. 1988/89 were the big years for Erasure, but Pippa will probably have got to know them earlier, when she was working with charities and protest groups in London - Andy Bell having been out and proud from the beginning. I close my eyes and I try to imagine What you're dreaming Why can't you see what you're doing to me? My world is spinning The lyrics also make reference to ‘the baby of the class’, which I think plays on Philippa’s worry that Francis doesn’t take her seriously because of her age, and Francis’ own determination to prove himself outside Richard’s shadow.

3) This album features on so many of my playlists, but it’s really got it all! Philippa is again established to be an Elvis Costello fan in the AU. This is one of the most lyrically obtuse on the album, and fits with Philippa being as reticent to admit what she really feels as Francis is. It’s weird and increasingly troubling, which I do think fits Philippa’s search for information about Francis’ past, and how deep in she gets. A stripping puppet on a liquid stick Gets into it pretty thick A butterfly drinks a turtle's tears But how do you know he really needs it? Because a butterfly feeds on a dead monkey's hand Jesus wept, he felt abandoned You're spellbound baby there's no doubting that Did you ever see a stare like a Persian cat?

4) Keeping her folk roots - under Austin’s influence, but this song (from a woman who disappeared on the cusp of stardom in the 1970s - she turned up about 30 years later explaining that she’d had the mother of all bad trips) doesn’t need much explaining. The lyrics fit Checkmate so well: He was a stargazer She asks what'll the future bring Mercury and Jupiter will bring you wealth and golden rings They have climbed the hill and watched the sun go down to rest He said: "Will you be my friend? I fear that there's nothing left to give, my Lady" She said: "Let's follow the sun behind the hill To where it's hiding." He was a stranger to her His father was a poet Lead her by the hand on the hill Touch the golden sunset How did feelings die, he's afraid to know Why did she have to lie She'd only stay until it's time for her to go She said take the sun in your hands, be glad For this is love you hold.

5) ANY opportunity to put one of my all time favouritest songs on a playlist! But genuinely, it’s all about the unrequited love, the pining, the thinking that the other person is better off without you... Very much a Philippa perspective on Francis and Catherine d’Albon. Plus she could play a cover with the Northumbrian pipes instead of the Uilean pipes :’) And this is where I want to be This is what I need This is where I want to be This is what I need This is where I want to be But I know that this will never be mine

6) It’s maybe more precisely how Francis feels about Philippa, but as with the other playlist for them, I think a certain degree of overlap is inevitable. This is one of Adam’s favourite bands, so Pippa’s bound to encounter their new release on the tour bus or at a party. So maybe you're standing In some foreign town You've walked for miles Till the heat slows you down And your jeans and your curls Are bleached and split And your money and your anger Are all used up Maybe I'm sorry About the light in this place Makes my heart seem cold As the words on these pages Maybe I'm reminded By a shop window display or a decoration Like some church candle that might just burn Dancing under chandeliers and I'm telling you Caught in the headlights and I'm yelling it at you Why is it girl when the world is lit by lightning That I keep telling you that I love you

7) This one is just. Aughh. Philippa is in the midst of a media storm now, it’s been brewing ever since she came back from Las Vegas married to Francis Crawford with an adopted (sure, the world says, ‘adopted’) child. She’s trying to make the world better, trying to work out what kind of career she wants/what kind of music is ‘hers’, and in the middle of it she’s realised she actually loves the man she’s married to, who hasn’t yet managed to divorce her, but is publicly dating a huge French star and is also plastered all over the papers...papers that doubtless have much to say about both their sexuality, too. And like, yeah, this was released in 1989, it was one of the biggest albums of the year. It's only a life to be Twisted and broken They'll see the heartache They'll see our love break, yeah They'll hear me pleading I'll say for God sakes Over and over and over And over again, yeah

8) Neil Tennant, a fellow Geordie who refuses to talk about his sexuality to the slavering mob? He’s also since emerged as a big backer of Labour (prior to the 2000s anyway) and is a trustee in Elton John’s AIDs foundation. So definitely another of Pippa’s Ringed Castle contacts. They probably bonded over their shared love of Elvis Costello’s protest songs. And then there’s the lyrics. I mean: What have you got to say of shadows in your past? I thought that if you paid, you'd keep them off our backs But I don't care, baby, I'm not scared What have you got to hide? Who will it compromise? Where do we have to be so I can laugh and you'll be free? I'd go anywhere, baby, I don't care I'm not scared

9) Another album likely nicked from Adam, though they were also buddies of Neil Tennant. One for Pippa learning to find her own way between the music she grew up with (that Austin insists she should foreground) and the world she’s been involved in in London. Probably a bit of a manifesto, trying to toughen herself up for life after the divorce: It don't take no Houdini To tell me what I am Parasites and literasites They'd burn me if they can But I don't give a damn About what those people say They pick you up and kick you out They hurt you every day It takes years to find the nerve To be apart from what you've done To find the truth inside yourself And not depend on anyone

10) So, this is the kind of...folk rock that the ‘80s got. Bouncy! It’s also not actually a folk song I can identify, I think it was written by the band. It can be interpreted in light of the triangles in Checkmate - Catherine/Francis/Philippa and Francis/Philippa/Austin, plus Philippa’s own mission to find out about Francis at all costs. Penny the hero, Penny the fool The gold watch she gave me I'll treasure They say that it's only a game after all Apart from the pain it's a pleasure Seagull, seagull, three three in a bed...

11) More ‘80s folk! Clannad and Enya were getting big at this point, but this particular album again has a lot of Francis/Philippa relevant feelings. I just put this track on though, for the obvious...trying to work out if a relationship is still possible after painful revelations and public separation. Ah, Austin has no idea why she’s listening to it so much! To you I saw the sad decline A rift become a storm Stayed so cold last night This lonely heart inside me says

Almost seems to late to turn What to do if I'm to learn Almost seems to late to turn

12) Despite the mid-’80s rumours that she was homophobic, Donna Summer seems to have spent quite a lot of time and effort (in 1989 no less) on refuting those rumours (true, on the level of ‘some of my best writers are gay!’). And she is, after all, Queen of Disco. But Pippa and Danny have to have something to belt out together on tour bus karaoke nights! But I don't think she can take it And just friendship can't replace it She'll be strong enough for two Although it's hard for her to do She'll breakaway Ooh, ooh, ooh she'll breakaway

13) Ahh, someone had to make folk music cool again <3 Tracy is a gorgeous guitarist and singer, just the kind of inspiration Philippa needs when she’s feeling a bit lost at this end of the decade. What’s that? Another artist who is constantly badgered about their sexuality and refuses to talk about it? A second album dealing with the loss of privacy that comes with fame? She played at an Amnesty International set in London in ‘88, I hope Philippa got the chance to hang out with her then :) All you folks think you own my life But you never made any sacrifice Demons they are on my trail I'm standing at the crossroads of the hell I look to the left I look to the right There're hands that grab me on every side

14) Now this one ain’t from the 1980s, but Annie’s been established as an influence on Philippa (and Kate) from the start, and it’s this kind of pared-back, folk-club-friendly stuff that Austin’s probably hoping to get her back into. Bert Jansch and others helped to make this song Annie wrote big, so for Philippa there’s a bittersweet side to the fact that this song, written by a woman, not a traditional tune, was only recognised as being important when men started playing it (side-eyeing Austiiiiinnn). But she’ll certainly put it in her sets if she thinks Francis is watching :’) Friends and strangers bring stories When asked where you might be Magic stories they have brought to me You go your way, my love

15) This is like...the quintessential folksong for lamenting giving up your virginity to some useless guy who only wanted that from you and nothing more. For when your thyme is past and gone He'll care no more for you, you For every place that your thyme was waste Will all spread o'er with rue, rue Will all spread o'er with rue For woman is a branchy tree And man a clinging vine, vine And from her branches carelessly He takes what he can find, find He takes what he can find

16) I know we’ve kind of reached a point where people think it’s basic to say this is the best Christmas song ever, but actually, it is. So there. It’s perfect. It does contain the f-slur yes, as Shane McGowan says, it’s part of the persona Kirsty is singing, though he has also said he’s quite happy for it to be cut when people play it now. And we’ve had Pogues and Kirsty on Pippa playlists/inspiration lists before, too. Anyway - I propose: Francis and Philippa singing this live together, both madly in love with each other, knowing how in love they are with each other, daily pretending to be indifferent to one another, now having to play at hate-loving each other, while the whole world watches going ‘wtf is going on here?!’ K: "I could have been someone" S: Well, so could anyone K: You took my dreams from me When I first found you S: I kept them with me, babe I put them with my own Can't make it all alone I've built my dreams around you

17) Couldn’t have a Pippa playlist without Prince :’) And yeah, the album’s earlier, but I’m not sure Batdance really fits the mood here, plus it complements Purple Rain on Francis’ playlist. How can you just leave me standing Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold) Maybe I'm just too demanding Maybe I'm just like my father: too bold Maybe you're just like my mother She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like When doves cry

18) A big bluesy ballad to finish up! Annie Lennox is from the same cut as a lot of other artists here: she’s done a lot of activism and fundraising, played the Mandela charity set in ‘88 and has been a big supporter of LGBT+ rights since appearing in an early Eurythmics video with short-cropped hair and a suit on. Per Wikipedia: ‘Lennox was viewed as the female version of Boy George. They appeared together on the front cover of the British music magazine Smash Hits in December 1983 with the headline "Which one is the boy?".‘ Stay classy, British music press. People like us Are too messed up To live in solitude I'm gonna cure that problem, baby I'm gonna fix it good...

[jazzistolkienfanfics]

Breathing - Aragorn x reader (modern!AU)

hi! could you do prompt #53 with a female reader and aragorn? thank you!

@elvish-sky​ oh joy, another sad aragorn fic (jk jk). i wanted to write this one as a modern!AU because of some research i was doing before school ended for science and ... i just thought of the concept and liked it, okay hush

53. “You said you were okay!”

Type: Imagine Pairing: Aragorn x reader (modern!AU) Summary: Y/N hasn’t been entirely honest with her boyfriend, Aragorn. Warnings: angst, sadness, death, Word Count: 1,704 words

Y/N laughed loudly as the black Newfoundland puppy chased its fluffy tail, the dark fur sticking up as though it had been struck by lightning. 

Aragorn grinned at her, taking yet another long moment to watch her - to savour everything about his beautiful girlfriend. Just like every time she giggled, he wanted the seconds to last forever. He wanted every day he got to be with Y/N to last forever, because one day, they would be unable to make new memories. 

One day sooner than he would like. 

He tugged the sleeves of his RSPCA volunteer jacket down as he sat by her side, whistling for the dog to come and sit by his side. It obliged, just as all the animals in the shelter, or anywhere, always did.

Animal whisperer, Y/N would tease him. Like Doctor Dolittle!

Aragorn looked to her again, the smile still on Y/N’s face. Flushed s/c cheeks. Hooded e/c eyes with heavy bags under them, yet she still looked beauty. H/l messy h/c hair, kept out of her face by a f/c ribbon.

Then, the things people tended to stare at. The bag by her side, much like the wheeled kind some people used to shop. The nose cannula hooked behind her ears, a long tube carrying oxygen from the bag. A surgery scar protruding from her f/c shirt’s neckline. 

Those things didn’t bother him. He loved her. 

“Are you okay?”

Aragorn blinked at Y/N’s question. Normally he was the one asking her that question, or supposed to be. “I-I’m perfect.”

She smiled again. “That’s good.”

He stood, pulling her to her feet as well. “Come on. My shift’s up.”

Y/N jokingly pouted. “But the puppies!”

This time, it was Aragorn who laughed. “We’ll come back next week, I promise.”

“Next week,” she echoed, a sadness in her voice that her boyfriend didn’t detect.

---

Y/N coughed, making a face as the last of her pills went down her throat. She took dozens every day - it was part of her necessary, pre-determined hospital routine. 

Her nurse, Legolas, (A/N - stan male nurses) passed her some water, which she gladly swallowed, hacking again. 

“Good job,” he grinned. “Everything’s doing okay. Lung function is at 54 percent, a little lower than last week, but it will get higher again.”

She’d definitely expected that, though her heart still sunk.

“I’ll let your boyfriend in now.” Legolas laughed at the annoyed look on his charge’s face. The sound faded as he took on a more serious tone. “But, you remember that it could get even worse anytime, especially-”

“I know,” Y/N interrupted, her voice scratched and broken. “I know.”

“Be careful,” the nurse reminded her again, as he left the room, Aragorn passing through the door before it could even swing shut. 

“Going alright?”

Y/N grimaced. “As well as can be expected. I hate my lungs.”

He took her hand, squeezing it tightly, like he would never, could never, let go. “I know you’re strong, Y/N/N. You can’t let CF beat you.”

Ah, yes. There it was - the casual reminder Y/N couldn’t go a day without hearing. Stressing how she was holding her life in an hourglass, which was rapidly running out of time.

Cystic Fibrosis. An often terminal lung condition, meaning Y/N’s lungs functioned at low percentages, causing difficulty in her breathing and weakened immune system. She was often lucky to spend more than a month out of the hospital, thought that hadn’t been the case recently.

She’d been continually relapsing, her lung function decreasing with every checkup. 

To put it simply, it sucked. Royally. 

“Here,” Aragorn offered her her nose cannula. “Hook up, and I’ll distract you.”

Y/N slipped it on, taking his hand and dragging her portable oxygen in The Granny Shopping Bag™️ with the other. smiling.

Well, at least, her mask was smiling. Inside, she didn’t know if she had the energy or will to anymore.

---

Y/N knew it was a risk, and she was exactly aware of the million and one ways this could go wrong. 

But she didn’t care. She was going to live whilst she still could. She was done with giving up her life, letting down her boyfriend, because of some stupid mucus. 

Besides, he didn’t know. He didn’t know it all, and she wasn’t going to stop them from being unable to make happy memories together by burdening him with more bad news. Being the protective guy he was, Aragorn probably wouldn’t even let her leave the hospital if her found out.

“Ready?” said-boyfriend-in-question asked.

“Hell yeah,” Y/N grinned, straightening the edges of her denim jacket. 

They stood at the archway entrance to the Rivendell National Park - a beautiful wonderland of pale trees and swirling leaves, in the deep of autumn.

Technically, Y/N wasn’t meant to engage in ‘prolonged physical activity’. But technically, she wasn’t even meant to be alive right now.

No one, least of all her, knew how much time she had left. Y/N wasn’t one to waste it. 

Together, she and Aragorn stepped through the archway, and explored the ‘whole new realm’.

---

After ten minutes, her lungs were burning, but she didn’t say anything.

Aragorn was looking so happy - a goofy smily affixed upon his face, his dark eyes lighting up as he swished his head from side to side to admire everything with childish wonder. 

The National Park was beautiful, but the air was thin, and Y/N was struggling not to audibly struggle. She hated being dependent on people, and she would. Not. Worry. Him.

Something felt different this time - her breathing was quickening even though she was walking extraordinarily slowly, and she was in more pain than she should’ve been

Y/N signalled for Aragorn to stop, doubling over and coughing until her throat was raw. She couldn’t breathe whilst the mucus was crawling up her airways, and she’d rather clear it than suffer.

“Get it out, Y/N,” Aragorn encouraged her as she straightened, worry sketched all over his face. 

Her coughing was done, and she went to take a nice big inhale, but ....

She.

Still.

Couldn’t.

Breathe.

Breathing should’ve been something natural, easy, if she had been just a normal young woman with her normal boyfriend. 

She wished that lying didn’t come to her easier than breathing.

Y/N collapsed, choking, almost about to pass out as Aragorn immediately fell to her side, pulling his phone from his pocket and dialling an emergency number.

“Oh my God,” he gasped, his breaths coming shortly as well as he scooped her up into his arms. “Oh, God. Y-You’re going to be okay, Y/N.”

Funny how good they’d both become at lying.

With that thought, Y/N’s eyes fluttered shut, without the energy to keep themselves open.

“Y/N!”

---

Aragorn sat in the waiting room with a feeling like acid being poured down his throat and then regurgitated. 

She shouldn’t have collapsed like that - it was highly medically improbable given what he knew about Y/N and her Cystic Fibrosis. Unless ... there was something he didn’t know.

He shook his head as soon as that thought came to him. He trusted Y/N. She trusted him. He had to have faith in her.

The sound of footsteps encouraged him to look sideways, where he saw Y/N’s nurse, Legolas, with four cups of coffee in his arms.

“Expecting someone else?” Aragorn laughed as he was handed one of the cups.

“Oh, no,” Legolas replied, with an unbelievably straight face. “I intend to drink all the coffee.”

“How is Y/N?” 

The nurse winced. “I will be honest with you - she isn’t going so well right now. The fact that she was still walking with you ... that’s pretty amazing given her lung function and diagnosis.”

“What do you mean?” Aragorn furrowed his eyebrows. “She-she’s fine, isn’t she?”

Legolas stared. “Y/N didn’t tell you, did she? Oh, that stubborn little-”

“Tell me what?”

He averted Aragorn’s eyes. “Tell you that she was diagnosed with Burkholderia Cepacia and she was given another six months to live with her current lung function.”

“What?” All the air rushed out of his lungs, and suddenly, he knew how Y/N felt when it was hard for her to breathe. “H-How long has it been?”

Again, the blond looked awkwardly to the floor.

“How long?!” It was a shout this time, and Aragorn could feel himself on the brink of tears. His beautiful girlfriend, lost to the void ... he could not cope with it.

“Seven months.”

He fell back in his chair, coffee discarded, his shaking hands covering his face as his cheeks dripped with tears. This couldn’t be happening. This could not be happening.

A doctor rushed out from the ER, making a beeline for Legolas. Her nametag read ‘Tauriel’, her long red hair flying behind her as she ran towards them.

Her face was sober.

“He-he should come. Now.” She motioned towards Aragorn who stood immediately.

“Is Y/N alright?”

Dr. Tauriel did not answer his question, just motioning for him to follow her. 

---

Y/N wasn’t moving. For such a joyful young woman, she was lying unbelievably still. 

There was a crowd of doctors around her, but they all moved back at the sight of Aragorn.

“I’m sorry.” 

He didn’t know who said it ... all he could think about was how much paler Y/N looked than her normal s/c. 

“She-she’s just a-asleep, r-right?” Aragorn stuttered on the words as more tears fell down his face. “Y/N’s o-okay?”

Dr. Tauriel shook her head. “I’m so sorry. We-we couldn’t do anything.”

“You said you were okay!” Aragorn cried, talking to Y/N even though she couldn’t hear him - would never hear him again. Jut like he would never hear her. “You told me you were okay ...”

“Get him out of here,” someone said quietly, and Aragorn was pulled to the door.

He threw one final look over his shoulder. 

Y/N’s hair was spread out over the pillow. Her hands had been folded over her chest. She still had her nose cannula in, but that had never made her less beautiful.

Even in death, she still looked like an angel.

She was still the most beautiful person Aragorn had ever known.

A/N - guys this is my new favourite fic so please spread it! @elvish-sky​ thank you so much for this request, and everyone, thank you for reading!

[jeonstellate]

classified files: compromised identity — file iii

adaira jace recalls her most traumatic memory — and wanda maximoff wants to help.

⎊༄ platonic!tony stark x original character (ft. platonic!bucky barnes x original character)

⎊༄ mentions of murder, torture, and experimentation

⎊༄ paragraph format — 1K words

masterlist | cf: ci masterlist | next file

[gif’s full credit belongs solely to its owner]

AJ was crying.

The last time she cried was nine years ago — the night her mother was murdered in cold blood. Not even when she was continuously experimented on, she refused to give them the satisfaction that they were hurting her. Over the years, she learned how to conceal her feelings — and ultimately ignore and bury them deep.

But, after nine years, reality had finally dawned her.

“AJ?” The voice of her guardian was unsure and careful, yet still held some concern in it. She didn’t rush to her side when she saw the streaming tears, aware that she could get startled too easily. Instead, she opted to just stand and observe by the doorway.

“They— They, um, took my cube.” Her reply was unsteady, her voice shook in almost every word. Being newly awakened, her voice was quite raspy as well, making her a bit difficult to understand.

“I’ll get it for you.” Almost miraculously, Jessica still understood. Perhaps because she knew her mannerisms well by now and it had become a matter of common sense. “Will you be okay here by yourself?”

AJ remembered the intense feeling of being alone too well. It was dark. And sad. And lonely. She didn’t like it.

Uncannily enough, that was her life until four years ago. She might’ve been used to it, but there was nothing she could despise more than.

“She’s dead.” AJ had tears blurring her vision, but she couldn’t care less. She merely tightened her grip on her Rubik’s cube rather than wiping them away. At that moment, it was only her and the cube toy; she didn’t feel any pitiful stares boring into her soul. “I killed her.”

There was a bitter taste in her mouth, but she chose to ignore it. The metallic taste of blood had filled her mouth far too many times to be overly concerned. Besides, it was the irrevocable truth — had always been so ever since that particular night.

“We don’t know that for—”

“They were asking for me,” her throat burned. It was nothing to her, now, after all she been through. Her voice cracked, but that hardly mattered. “Well, actually, they were looking for an Adaira Stark.”

Stark — it hanged in the air like a dense fog. It made the room temperature drop a few degrees and made everyone unsure on how to go onward. It was a name they were used to hearing, given that one of them was a Stark himself, but it seemed strange that it was connected to a different name other than Howard, Maria, or Tony.

“We need to get you to S.H.I.E.L.D.” Jessica was getting anxious. S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted to keep the teen’s identity as obscure as possible, especially to the Avengers. It was an effortless task, but it was put in jeopardy when the young assassin crossed paths with the band of heroes — especially since she was openly telling them an important portion of her life story. “They need to put you under observation again.”

“There’s something else,” her eyes didn’t leave the Rubik’s cube. In under an hour, she had already solved it ten times. She had let different people mix it up for her, with a request to make it as difficult as they could, but she kept completing it after five minutes. “She kept referring to me as—”

She halted. For a moment, she just sat there, unmoving. Even her face was blank and expressionless. Everyone just automatically assumed that she was probably deep in thought, since it made make the most sense as an explanation for her frozen state, but they couldn’t read what exactly was going on in her head (of course, Wanda was an exception due to her mind-reading abilities).

“What is it?” Her guardian knew she would regret asking that question as soon as it came out of her mouth, but she could hardly blame herself. The teen’s facial expressions just changed so swiftly — blank to confusion to realization to stoic — in under a minute that it was quite concerning.

“Her little Stark.”

The Avengers went back to their usual lives pretty soon after Investigator Jones and Agent Collins left the compound. No one was willing to talk about what had just occurred — something they already labelled as a typical occurrence in their hectic, eventful lives. It was strange, yes, but it didn’t quite make it to the top weirdest things they’ve witnessed on duty.

Everyone seemed to have been ready to forget — except Wanda Maximoff.

“Is that it? You’d just let her walk away?”

Wanda, being telepathic amongst her other powers, had seen what was going on inside the teen agent’s head. Although she knew that she was technically invading her privacy, she couldn’t help it — especially not when one specific horrifying memory kept replaying over and over in her young mind.

“There’s not much else we could do, Wanda,” Clint Barton replied with regret. He was a father himself — and meeting someone who was just a few years older than his eldest child, yet already suffered so much, pained him more than he would like to admit. “We can’t spare her from the horrors of the world.”

The Sokovian sympathized strongly with the teenager, even if their traumatic experiences differed greatly. With the intensely traumatic memories she had witnessed inside her head, she was determined to help her out a bit — even if it meant revealing to her teammates that she had been doing exactly what they told her not to. “We could help her meet her father.”

“I’ll stop you right there,” Tony Stark was quick to dismiss her suggestion. “First off, we’re not the Make-A-Wish Foundation; we have better things to do.” The billionaire crossed his arms, a stern look on his face. “Second, we can’t afford to expose a civilian to an unpredictable, amnesiac assassin suffering from PTSD.”

Wanda was beginning to get frustrated, but she tried her best to keep it cool. Nonetheless, her Sokovian accent kept getting thicker with every word she spoke. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. None of you saw what was going on inside her head like I did!”

“We can’t help everyone, Wanda,” Natasha Romanoff, an assassin herself, shook her head regretfully, “you know that; we all know that.”

“AJ Collins is more important to us than you all think.”

[eli-kittim]

Christ The Terminator: Half Man Half Machine

“I’ll Be Back”

By Author Eli Kittim

End-Time Visions of the Messiah’s Robotic Enhancements

What if Jesus paid a steeper price for our salvation? What if Christ is “revealed at the final point of time” (1 Pet. 1.20 NJB)? What if his sacrifice “in the end of the world” (Heb. 9.26b KJV) is more costly than previously assumed?

In his vision, the prophet Ezekiel saw certain heavenly creatures who “were of human form” (1.5 NRSV). Notice what he says about their legs (1.7):

Their legs were straight, and the soles of

their feet were like the sole of a calf's foot;

and they sparkled like burnished bronze.

As you read further, you will come to realize that this imagery runs throughout the entire Bible. Remarkably, Ezekiel’s description sounds very much like modern bionic prosthetics, which redefine and enhance human amputees. Let’s not forget that the heavenly figures whom Ezekiel had seen were supposedly human. Two other interesting clues were that “their legs were straight” (unlike human legs that bend) and that “their feet were like . . . burnished [Hb. קָלָֽל׃ qalal] bronze [Hb. נְחֹ֥שֶׁת nechosheth].” This is a running theme throughout the Bible whose imagery is associated with the end-time Messiah! Similarly, in Revelation 1.13-15, John describes his vision of Christ as follows:

I saw one like the Son of Man, clothed with

a long robe and with a golden sash across

his chest. His head and his hair were white

as white wool, white as snow; his eyes were

like a flame of fire, his feet were like

burnished bronze, refined as in a furnace,

and his voice was like the sound of many

waters.

Notice the imagery pertaining to Christ’s “feet [which] were like burnished bronze [Gk. χαλκολιβάνῳ].” By comparison, in Daniel 10.1 we are told that “In the third year of King Cyrus of Persia a word was revealed to Daniel.” Remember that, in the Bible, Cyrus represents the Messiah (see Isa. 45.1). Daniel sees a vision of the end times, described by a glorious man who looks awfully similar to John’s “Son of Man” (Dan. 10.5-6):

I looked up and saw a man clothed in linen,

with a belt of gold from Uphaz around his

waist. His body was like beryl, his face like

lightning, his eyes like flaming torches, his

arms and legs like the gleam of burnished

bronze, and the sound of his words like the

roar of a multitude.

Daniel gives us additional information by saying that “his arms and legs [were] like the gleam of burnished [Hb. קָלָ֑ל qalal] bronze [Hb. נְחֹ֣שֶׁת nechosheth].” In other words, it wasn’t just his legs, but his arms as well were seemingly made of burnished bronze! It sounds like a combat soldier who had lost all his limbs and was wearing a metallic or robotic prosthesis. And Daniel employs the exact same Hebrew words for “burnished bronze” that are used in Ezekiel’s vision. Furthermore, in Revelation 2.18, Christ himself identifies with this biblical image, demonstrating categorically and unequivocally that it refers to him and him alone. Christ says:

And to the angel of the church in Thyatira

write: These are the words of the Son of

God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and

whose feet are like burnished bronze.

Chalkolibanon: The Messiah’s Feet Were Like Burnished Bronze

καὶ οἱ πόδες αὐτοῦ ὅμοιοι χαλκολιβάνῳ

https://biblehub.com/greek/5474.htm

The Greek word chalkolibanon is translated as “burnished bronze” and refers to “a fine metal,” such as “fine copper, bronze or brass,” similar to what the Hebrew term for bronze (i.e. nechosheth) represents.

https://biblehub.com/hebrew/5178.htm

These images that are therefore uniquely related to Jesus strongly suggest that they’re part of his human makeup and physical appearance. Why else would the Bible contain these metallic images? All these prophets from both the Old and New Testament seem to suggest that the Messiah’s “sacrifice” entails the loss of his limbs, which are replaced by modern metallic substitutes, turning him into a kind of Cyborg. An article from the Australian Academy of Science expounds on this type of modern technology:

What’s different about the new generation

of prosthetic limbs is their union with bionic

technology, and the way they combine

fields of study as diverse as electronics,

biotechnology, hydraulics, computing,

medicine, nanotechnology and prosthetics.

Technically, the field is known as

biomechatronics, an applied

interdisciplinary science that works to

integrate mechanical elements and devices

with biological organisms such as human

muscles, bones, and the nervous systems. 

https://www.science.org.au/curious/people-medicine/bionic-limbs

Incidentally, a wide variety of materials are used to create artificial limbs, including aluminium bronze and titanium bronze alloys, which are shiny metals. Copper, iron, silver, and gold have also been used in the past. Surprisingly, these are the exact metallic descriptions that we find in the aforesaid passages of the Bible (cf. Dan. 2.32-33: “head of . . . gold . . . arms of silver . . . thighs of bronze. . . legs of iron . . . feet partly of iron and partly of clay [human]”).

Robotics for Human Augmentation in the Visions of Daniel

Dual fulfillment is an important principle of Biblical interpretation. It’s associated with the concept of messianic typology in the Hebrew Bible. It refers to the notion that there are certain prophecies in the Bible that may have both an immediate and a long-term fulfilment. The gigantic statue of a man made of four metals, in the Book of Daniel, is such a prophecy, that might be a clue to the endtimes Christ. It has a short-term fulfillment in terms of the succeeding world-empires that will arise and rule on earth. However, Daniel 2.44 suggests that the prophecy also refers to the end of days (a long-term fulfillment) when God will set up his kingdom once for all! Daniel 2.31-33 (NRSV) explains Nebuchadnezzar’s dream as follows:

You were looking, O king, and lo! there was

a great statue. This statue was huge, its

brilliance extraordinary; it was standing

before you, and its appearance was

frightening. The head of that statue was of

fine gold, its chest and arms of silver, its

middle and thighs of bronze, its legs of iron,

its feet partly of iron and partly of clay.

Let’s not forget that Daniel addresses the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar as if he’s the the king of kings, the Messiah (2.37-38):

You, O king, the king of kings—to whom the

God of heaven has given the kingdom, the

power, the might, and the glory, into whose

hand he has given human beings, wherever

they live, the wild animals of the field, and

the birds of the air, and whom he has

established as ruler over them all—you are

the head of gold.

There are messianic overtones, here, that go far beyond the historical context of the passage and suggest a future fulfillment. The dream features a towering statue of a man (Daniel 2.32-33):

The head of that statue was of fine gold, its

chest and arms of silver, its middle and

thighs of bronze, its legs of iron, its feet

partly of iron and partly of clay.

Once again, we get the feeling this is more of a machine than a man. Notice that the legs were made of iron and bronze. What if Daniel 4.13-15 represents God’s judgment on the Messiah? (cf. 2 Cor. 5.21; Gal. 3.13):

I continued looking, in the visions of my

head as I lay in bed, and there was a holy

watcher, coming down from heaven. He

cried aloud and said: ‘Cut down the tree

and chop off its branches, strip off its

foliage and scatter its fruit. Let the animals

flee from beneath it and the birds from its

branches. But leave its stump and roots in

the ground, with a band of iron and bronze,

in the tender grass of the field. Let him be

bathed with the dew of heaven, and let his

lot be with the animals of the field in the

grass of the earth.’

Conclusion

There’s a running narrative throughout the Old and New Testaments that includes thematic parallels and verbal agreements between the visions of various prophets. The terminology has not only been surprisingly consistent from prophet to prophet, but its meaning has also been uniform from one language to another. For example, both Ezekiel and Daniel use identical Hebrew terms to describe what appears to be a Messianic figure, whose feet were “like burnished [Hb. קָלָֽל׃ qalal] bronze [Hb. נְחֹ֥שֶׁת nechosheth]” (Ezek. 1.7; cf. Dan. 10.6)! Astoundingly, the exact same meaning (i.e. χαλκολίβανον; burnished bronze) as applied to the Hebrew Old Testament is employed in the Greek New Testament (Rev. 1.15; 2.18) to convey a similar idea. This suggests that the Biblical books are inspired and in dialogue with one another.

Accordingly, the arms and legs of the purported Messiah do not appear to be human. Rather, they appear to be robotic metals for human augmentation, what we today would call modern bionic prosthetics in redefining and enhancing human amputees. The consistent thematic material (i.e. the canonical context) in the visions of the prophets, especially those of Daniel, is exegetically significant and cannot be simply explained away. What if Daniel 4.14 represents God’s judgment on the Messiah to cut off “his arms and legs”? (cf. Dan. 10.6):

Cut down the tree

and chop off its branches.

Given that the “tree image” in Dan. 4.10-12 is of paramount importance and immersed in messianic metaphors (cf. Jn 15.5; Rev. 22.2), it could certainly represent the Anointed one. All these prophets from both the Old and New Testament seem to suggest that the Messiah’s “sacrifice” entails the loss of his limbs, which are replaced by modern metallic substitutes, turning him into a kind of Cyborg or Bionic Man! The same shiny metals that are referenced in the Bible are the exact same alloys used in prosthetic limbs and modern robotics for human augmentation (i.e. human-enhancement technologies). A close reading of these end-time visions suggests that the Son of Man is part man part machine. This is called “transhumanism,” the merger of humanity with artificial intelligence. This would imply that Christ’s suffering on Judgment day is far more intense than previously thought, which also reflects the profound depth of his love for us!

[baby-hyena]

Thinking Out Loud | KHSxJJH Fanfic

Note: Hello, Hyena babies! 😊 Here’s the third and last part of Ji Hoon’s POV. Thank you for reading my song fics and I hope I’ll still see you on my next stories. 🥰 Hope you like this one.

1st part: https://baby-hyena.tumblr.com/post/616744455208353792/tenerife-sea-khsxjjh-fanfic

2nd part: https://baby-hyena.tumblr.com/post/618258800245342208/youre-beautiful-a-khsxjjh-fanfiction

P.S.: If you don’t like this fanfic, please don’t report it. Just go on with your life and don’t make things hard for people like us who just want to fangirl over this OTP. We’re not forcing you to like them too; THIS IS ALL JUST FOR FUN.

P.P.S.: Please wait patiently for Nothing Remains Unsaid, their site will be up soon. We love you, Nothing Remains Unsaid. ❤

~

When your legs don't work like they used to before, and I can't sweep you off of your feet

Ji Hoon’s hectic schedule pisses him off. Yes, he’s workaholic before but now that something changed in his life, he’s lowkey wishing he didn’t take a lot of projects after Hyena. He didn’t want to leave Hye Soo’s house that morning after she took care of him. But he had to leave because of his manager. And when they met, his manager shouted at him “Where were you yesterday? Gosh, I tried calling you but you were out of reach!” He got scolded. “I’m sorry, okay? I was lost yesterday. I’ll just make it up to my schedule.” He explained. And that following week, he was fully booked.

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love

One whole week without being with Hye Soo is hell for Ji Hoon. He couldn’t go to her house, they had different filming location and time; they almost didn’t see each other on set. It’s frustrating him. When he got a chance and a bit of time, he went to her, “Hey, I’m sorry I couldn’t drive you home these days. My schedule is always full.” He told her, faintly. As usual, she’d smile at him brightly, as if reassuring him that everything will be alright soon, “It’s okay, Ji Hoon-ssi. Just focus and do your best. You can do it!” She said then tapped his shoulder. Ji Hoon smield at her but he sighed when he heard his manager calling him again. Hye Soo nods at him and then went on her way.

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks

Ji Hoon can see every tagged post on his IG. Even when he doesn’t follow Hye Soo’s IG account, he gets notified whenever she makes a post and tags him in it. He’ll laugh at her tagged locations and her funny captions. He’ll text her whenever he can and sometimes DM her whenever he finds a funny post. “Why do you always tag me on my nose?” he texted her. Minutes later, she replied, “Because those are my Himalayas.” And he’ll burst out laughing after reading her text.

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70

Ji Hoon made sure his manager fixes his schedule so he’ll be free during the last filming day of Hyena. It’s also their last scene together at the pub with Team H. He’s so happy when his manager told him he can have the day off. During breaks, he’d whisper to Hye Soo, “I wanna eat all of this.” He pointed at the food on their table. Hye Soo’s eyes widened and shook her head, “You can’t do that. The production would have to pay for that.” She whispers back at him while giggling. Like a child, he’d pout and she’d let out her belly laugh.

And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23

Ji Hoon would sneakily take a bite from the snacks and Hye Soo would lightly hit his hand. They’re like teenagers fighting playfully over their lunchboxes. “Hey, do you have anything on your schedule today?” He asks her. She didn’t look at her as she’s looking at the food, “I have to shoot my last scene later at Song&Kim. Why?” Ji Hoon didn’t get to tell her his plan to pick her up because they started filming again. After their scene at the pub, Hye Soo had to go to her next filming site and Ji Hoon had to stay at the pub for his last scene.

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

The last scene went well. Ji Hoon did his best so they don’t have to shoot a lot and they got the scene at 3 takes. He couldn’t leave because his co-actors and staff started cheering, “Yoon Hee Jae! Yoon Hee Jae!” So he stayed there for a while as he acknowledges their regards. But he’s glancing at his watch to check the time, he’s not sure of Hye Soo’s schedule. He’s worried that he won’t be able to pick her up there. So when his manager went to him, he quickly whispers, “I have to go now. Please, wrap this up for me. Pleaaase?” His manager looks at him, his pleading face made his manager sigh. “Alright. Go now.” Ji Hoon almost jumped but he stopped himself and quickly went on his way.

Maybe just the touch of a hand

He quickly drove to the Song&Kim building. He’s silently praying she’s still there. As soon as he arrives at the parking lot, he saw her. She’s with her manager and hair stylist, they’re walking towards her car. He saw her nodded at them and they bowed to her. They left her as she scrabbles through her bag, probably looking for her keys. So she’s driving today, he thought. He gets out of his car and walk towards her. She probably heard his footsteps as she looks at his direction. He smiled at her.

Oh me I fall in love with you every single day

He stops in front of her, smiling at her. “Lemme drive you home?” he asks her. She lets out a chuckle that made his heart skip a beat. Ah, I don’t mind making this woman laugh all my life, he thought. “Aren’t you busy today?” She asks. He tilts his head and pouts, like a little boy who acts cute in front of his crush. “Manger-nim told me I can take the day off.” He smiled at her. He extended his hand to her, asking for her bag. Hye Soo shook her head while smiling as she gives him her bag.

And I just wanna tell you I am

Ji Hoon started talking about his busiest week. For some reason, he always wants to tell her how his day went, what he had for his lunch and every random thing he did. He’s so comfortable to talk about anything with her. And to his delight, he noticed her listening to him. “Ahh, I have to shoot my Burger King CF next week.” He tells her. He glanced at her and she blinks, “They wanted Prince Lee Chang but I suggested I’d act as Yoon Hee Jae too.” He said. “I bet Yoon Hee Jae would love to show off how good looking he is.” She said. Ji Hoon laughed at it.

So honey now, take me into your loving arms

They arrived at her house and he’s still talking. Of course, he’s also asking about her and her day. “Did you have a lot of fun today?” he asked. Hye Soo didn’t look at him as she walks inside the house. “Yes, it was fun. Ji Eun cried like a baby.” She laughs. He’ll smile while listening. When they’re inside, he started wondering. Imagining how they’ll spend this day together and how he’ll confess. He took off his baseball cap and fixed his hair. Hye Soo was telling him something but his mind is too occupied so he didn’t hear her.

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

If they were normal people and there’s no pandemic at the moment, he’d take her to beautiful places. Where they can see the stars; away from the city and they won’t have to mind the world behind their backs. He’d take her to places where they can eat their snacks and where they can drink their coffee peacefully. Without worrying about what will people say; without worrying about scandals and articles that would be written when their relationship was revealed. That’s his dream. But he’s not complaining, as long as he is with Hye Soo, this reality with her is always better than that dream of his.

Place your head on my beating heart

He didn’t realize he’s spacing out as they eat together. She was talking about her documentary. When he’s finally on his right mind, he utters, “I missed you.” He noticed her stops chewing and blinks. He wanted to chuckle because of that. Wow, I caught her off guard?, he thought. “You beat me. I was gonna tell you that first.” Hye Soo said. Now, it was his turn to stop and blink at her. She caught him off guard. So, she missed me too, a voice at the back of his mind screams. He can feel his heart dancing.

I'm thinking out loud, maybe we found love right where we are

Ji Hoon’s favourite spot is on the floor while they drink their tea. It’s his favourite spot because he can see her fully as she sits on her couch while drinking her tea. It’s like watching your favourite show no matter how many times you’ve seen it. Today, Hye Soo played some Coldplay songs. He loves Coldplay too. When the song A Sky Full of Stars played, he tells her, “Oh, that’s my favourite song of them.” Then he started singing along. He always wanted to sing for her, he just can’t find the right timing. But now, he doesn’t care about timing anymore. It’s his favourite song and he’d sing it to his favourite person.

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades and the crowds don't remember my name

After the song, it started pouring outside. Ji Hoon looks outside and smiles. He loves the rain. They’re both staring outside as it pours. “You know, I like it when it rains.” Hye Soo tells him. Ji hoon looks at her. He realizes that moment, as much as he loves the rain; it’s a different feeling when he’s staring at the person he loves while it rains. He realizes how lucky he is; that falling in love with her was the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He won’t regret it even if he risk his all; even if he lose it all; because it’s her. It’s Kim Hye Soo.

When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm, I know you will still love me the same

Their fame will fade eventually, that’s for sure. But also one thing’s for sure, he’ll still love her the same. He’ll still love her even in her weakest, in her darkest moments. He’ll still love her brown eyes even when it’s filled with tears. He’ll still love her skin even when it’s all wrinkly. He’ll still love her even when her hair turns to white. He’ll love her fears, insecurities, her pain. He’ll love her bad side. He’ll love all of it. He knows he’s not perfect and he’ll make mistakes she wouldn’t like. But he’ll make sure he’ll never let her sleep with a heavy heart.

'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen

Ji Hoon looks at Hye Soo who also seems lost in her thoughts. He smiled as he stares at her. He reaches for his phone, “Don’t look for me. I’m in a safe place.” He sends a text message to his manager. He puts his phone on silent mode and speaks, “Can I sleep here?” She looks flushed. I wonder what she’s thinking, he thought. Hye Soo asked him a lot of questions that made him chuckle, he couldn’t resist her charm when she bites her lower lip and gave him a faint smile afterwards. “I’m allowed to stay here until tomorrow.” He tells her. He’s happy and excited but he hid it in his smile.

Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory

They’ve finished watching her favourite indie movie and they ran out of snacks. Ji Hoon feels hungry and so he volunteered cooking an Italian dish for their dinner. He doesn’t mind cooking; he’s more than willing to cook for her. I wish she’d allow me, he thought. Hye Soo helped him in cutting the ingredients and after that, she patiently wait for him to finish. But before finishing, he called her to have a taste. “Hmm!” Hye Soo said and gave him thumbs up. He smiled at her and took off her apron that he used. They ate their dinner together.

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe it's all part of a plan

After having dinner, they have nothing else to do. They’ll look at each other and giggle. “What should we do?” he asks her and pokes her on her arm. He can see her thinking, “How about new set of movies?” she said. But Ji Hoon shook his head. He’s slowly getting tired of watching movies; he wants try something else. “Let’s watch movies later, how about an activity?” he suggested. He saw a glimpse of unease in her eyes. He’s a bit worried now, what if they’d fight over trivial things like this and ended up breaking each other’s hearts?

I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Ji Hoon sighs to clear his mind. He won’t let that happen to them. He’s not a teenager who’d throw tantrums if he doesn’t get what he wants. Yes, he’s stubborn. But he knows he’s soft when it comes to Hye Soo. He’s willing to adjust to her needs and to her wants. He’s about to say yes to her new set of movies but she speaks before he could say a word, “Do you wanna try painting?” When he heard that, excitement was all over his face. He couldn’t hide it so Hye Soo chuckles and nods, “Okay, I’ll get you some materials.” He nods at her, “I’ll wait here and make a quick call.” He said.

Hoping that you’ll understand

He watches her enter a room. Ah, so that’s her studio, he thought. He looks away and reached for his phone. He forgot that he put it on silent mode and now he’s getting a lot of calls and texts from his manager. He answers one of his manager’s call, “Hey! What were you thinking? What do you mean ‘don’t look for me’? Are you crazy?!” His manager screams so he puts away his phone from his ear. “Relax, manager-nim. I’m fine, okay? I’ll confess today so please just support me. Alright?” he calmly said. “Are you sure about this?” He can hear his manager’s hesitation. He smiles, “I trust my love. I’m sure of this.” He made sure he sounded confident as he is.

But baby now, take me into your loving arms

After ending the call, he followed Hye Soo to the studio. Maybe she needs some help, he thought. When he opened the door, he was amazed. The room is full of paintings and art materials. He looked around and when his eyes landed on Hye Soo, his eyes caught the canvas she’s holding. It’s merely a sketch. But he could recognize it well. “What’s that?” He asks her. His eyes were glued on the canvas. He couldn’t believe she’d paint him. He never thought he’d see his face on something she loves doing; in her painting.

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Ji Hoon gets the canvas from Hye Soo. He’s still staring at it as if it’s his first child. Hye Soo was talking behind his back and he couldn’t hear her because he’s still dazed by her painting. He sat on the couch while still holding the canvas, “It’s me.” He says while smiling at it. “It’s not even finished yet. Why are you so happy?” He’s speechless. Yes, it’s just a sketch of his face and he’s like a child being so happy about it. But he can’t help it. He’s so happy, it’s just like when he heard her say those three words that night. If he could marry her right there and then, he would; with all of his heart, without hesitations.

Place your head on my beating heart

He looks at her with his puppy eyes as she sat beside him. She asks why is he being like that and he’d just let out a sigh. He puts down the canvas and holds her hands. There’s nothing to fear now, he knows she feels the same way. And this is the right moment for him to confess. So he started talking, “I know you’re way out of my league. You’re my sunbae and I know I shouldn’t feel this way. But I can’t help it.” He looks down to gather his confidence and compose himself. He’s losing it to her. “I think I like you, Kim Hye Soo sunbaenim.” Sunbaenim? What the hell, Ji Hoon, he thought. So he shook his head and looked at her, “No, no, scratch that. I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Hye Soo-ssi.” He smiled at her, not showing his teeth because he suddenly felt shy when he dropped the honorifics.

I'm thinking out loud, that maybe we found love right where we are, oh

Hye Soo laughs at him. “Hey, don’t laugh at me.” He said while pouting his lips and he looks down to hide it. When he heard Hye Soo stops laughing, he anticipated her next move. She cups his face to make him look at her and then she holds his hands again. He’s still frowning but she’s smiling at him, “I know you heard what I said that night.” Ji Hoon’s felt his heart skipped a beat, his eyes widened. She knew? How did she.. woah, he thought while looking at her. He waited for her to say something, she nods, “I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud but I couldn’t stop myself.” He saw her cheeks turn red before she looks down to hide it. He smiles. Adorable, he thought. “I don’t think I can say that again—“ It’s now Ji Hoon’s turn to pull his hands and cup her face. She’s still blushing “It’s okay. You can say that again whenever you’re ready, whenever you want to.”

So baby now, take me into your loving arms

Ji Hoon won’t force her to say those words again. He can wait. He can wait to hear those words again even if it takes forever. He gently squeezed her face. “Hey.” Her voice becomes muffled because of the squeeze. He laughs at her because he finds it so adorable. This is why everyone loves her, this is why I love her, he thought while looking at her fondly. He feels heavenly and can’t help but to tell her, “I love you.” And saying those words feels oddly satisfying for him. He smiles at her then let go of her face. “That’s it?” His smile fades when he heard her asks him that. She sounds dumbfounded so he gave her a questioning look. “You forgot this.” Ji Hoon left this world when Hye Soo leaned in to kiss him. But of course, he went back to respond to her kiss.

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Anyone in Ji Hoon’s position would lose control. He’d always lose his control when it comes to her. It showed in their second kissing scene. Every time they’d kiss, it feels like they both found their missing puzzle piece in each other. He felt it first on their first kissing scene. And now, he loses his mind while kissing her deeply. His hands wander through her body. He touches every part, as if he worship every inch of her body. To his delight, she’s responding to his touch. Arching her back and hearing her soft moans makes him want her more. He kisses her again and moves against her, they both got lost to their own world.

Place your head on my beating heart

This moment they shared will be engraved to Ji Hoon’s memories forever. Spending the night under the same blanket with the woman he loves is priceless. He runs his fingers through her hair and kisses it. Then he whispers to her, “I love you.” It’s the nth time he said those words to her. And he’ll never get tired telling her that. He heard her chuckles, “I lost count of how many times you’ve said that.” Then he felt her hold his hand and kisses it. “I love you, too.” He heard her uttered as she buries her face on his chest and hugged him. Ji Hoon could feel her breathe against his skin and it makes his heart beat fast. Then he’d hear her say something again, “Hope this lasts.” He smiles at that and pulls her closer to his body. “This will last. You’ll be my last love.” He whispers to her. Then they both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

I'm thinking out loud, that maybe we found love right where we are, oh

Ji Hoon wakes up with his numb arms. He winced at the pain when Hye Soo moves but he smiled at her. I don’t mind losing my arms for this beauty, he thought. He couldn’t stop himself so he kisses her. First, on her forehead, “I love you.” Then on her eyes, “The only pair of eyes I’ll love.” On her nose, “My little Himalayas.” He giggles. Then he kisses her on her lips, “The only woman I love.” Hye Soo moves again and she opens her eyes, she’s awake. He smiles and greets her good morning but she draws back, “I don’t smell good in the morning.” Then she covers her mouth. But Ji Hoon pulls her back to his arms and gave her a smack on her lips, “I still love you.”

Oh maybe we found love right where we are

They’re eating their breakfast when Ji Hoon speaks, “I already talked to my manager. Just tell me whenever you’re ready to reveal our relationship to the public.” He breathes heavily. He knows things will be hard for them when that happens. But he’ll be there for her. He won’t let her get hurt. He saw Hye Soo bites her lower lip and sighs. He reached for her hand on the table and gave her a reassuring smile. “Only when you’re ready.” He tells her. He’ll protect her no matter what happens.

And we found love right where we are

~

See you on my next fanfic! 😊

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

[x]

[claudemblems]

I havent even gotten the courage to play CF😂 I love all the black eagles' students.. but its just.. dimitri🥺 I.. cant bring myself to abandon him. Idk maybe it sounds dumb, but i feel as though he really needs byleth to be happy🥺 Also, i cant abandon felix, i would recruit him but i dont want to make him fight his friends😂 I played GD first, and im grateful for that, because i know that if i had played BL first, my expectations would be too high and i would end up a little dissapointed. —❤

Well if you love Dimitri, killing him in CF will actually DESTROY you. What’s worse is that I recruited Felix and made him fight Dimitri, and their dialogue tore my heart to s h r e d s. After playing Blue Lions you just can’t help but feel bad when you play other routes because Byleth is that one person that Dimitri really needs and,,, idk why Nintendo makes him die in every other route :( My boy Claude can live in every one I’ve played so far and even tho I LOVE Claude it just feels unfair 😭 Maybe Nintendo wanted us to have that feeling that we want to protect Dimitri, to only have one chance to save him in his route. I suppose that’s what makes Blue Lions so special. You watch Dimitri lose himself to resentment and what seems like mental health issues, but when he finally is able to connect with reality again and lean on others for support, it just makes all that pain you’ve gone through worth it. After investing so much time into helping him and getting attached to his character, it’s just a different level of pain playing another route and watching him die in such brutal ways...I love you Dimitri I want to give you the biggest hug

[snibnoom]

ASTRO FUN FACTS

A collection of facts that some fans may not know! This list is far from exhaustive, so feel free to add on! Or you could shoot me a question and see if I know the answer

Families

MJ has an older brother

Jinjin has an older brother

Eunwoo has a younger brother (named Donghwi) 2 years younger than him (99er) who has studied abroad in China

Moonbin has a younger sister, Moon Sua (99er), who is currently a trainee at YG and was on Unpretty Rapstar

Rocky has a brother (named Junggeon) 4 years younger than him (03er) 

Sanha has two older brothers (named Junha and Jeha); both of his brothers and his dad play guitar, and Junha writes his own music; Sanha’s mom was also a body builder

Education

MJ received perfect attendance awards in middle and high school, and played soccer during elementary school

Jinjin attended Hanlim Multi Arts High School after passing the entrance with the highest score for those being admitted, achieved with his house dancing; he also attended NY Dance Academy in Ilsan prior to joining Fantagio

Eunwoo attended Suri Middle School and Suri High School, then transferred to Hanlim Multi Arts High School and graduated from Hanlim on February 15, 2016; he was accepted into Sungkyunkwan University at the end of 2016 and is currently attending with a major in acting

Moonbin attended Hanlim Multi Arts High School from 2014 until his graduation on February 15, 2016; due to having a birthday very early in the year, Moonbin attended school mostly with 97-line

Rocky attended Eonbuk Middle School and graduated on February 7, 2015; he then attended Seoul Music High School from February 2015 until October 2015; starting in October 2015, Rocky began attending Hanlim Multi Arts High School and graduated on February 9, 2018

Sanha attended Baegwoon Middle School; he attends Hanlim Multi Arts High School and will graduate in 2019

Before ASTRO

MJ auditioned for JYP Entertainment in 2010 with iKON’s Donghyuk (but didn’t make it into the company); he auditioned again in 2012 and won a one year scholarship to Seoul National University; MJ  began training with Fantagio in 2014

Prior to joining Fantagio as a trainee, Jinjin was part of a house dance crew (under the dancer name “Kkorang”) with GOT7′s Yugyeom; he began training with Fantagio in 2012, not long after Sanha

Eunwoo began training with Fantagio in 2013 after being scouted on the street when he was on the way to the bathroom; he refused the offer several times until his parents eventually told him just to try it out and that he could quit if he didn’t like it; he played the younger version of a character in the movie “My Brilliant Life”; he was the 2014/2015 Shara Shara make up brand ambassador

Moonbin began training with Fantagio in 2009 after having been with Kids Planet Entertainment since 2004; under Kids Planet Entertainment, he modeled for various companies (Samsung, Blue Dog, Soie, Tiffany), starred in TVXQ’s music video for Balloons in 2006, and played the role of young So Yijeong (Kimbum) in “Boys Over Flowers” in 2009; he appeared in episode 1 of the 2015 drama “Perseverance Goo Haera” with Rocky

Rocky began training with Fantagio in June 2010; he auditioned for Korea’s Got Talent on July 14, 2011 where he didn’t pass but a judge told him “In the future, I am sure we will meet again in the music industry”; Rocky drove from his hometown of Jinju to Seoul daily for several years (attending school in Jinju then training in Seoul) before his mom and younger brother finally made the move to Seoul

Sanha began training with Fantagio in 2012

Other

ASTRO was technically Fantagio’s first music group, as 5urprise is an actor group and Hellovenus started out as a joint venture with Pledis

Eunwoo was an MC for Show! Music Core from October 1, 2016 to January 27, 2018; following his final episode, the other members started up a vlive as they prepared to surprise Eunwoo upon his return to the company; the video was later removed, as you could clearly hear Rocky saying “f*** off, f***” after Sanha accidentally blew out the candles on a cake they’d gotten for Eunwoo

The MV shooting for Hide & Seek happened on Moonbin’s birthday in 2016

Jinjin can speak English and some Chinese; Eunwoo can speak English, Chinese and Japanese (and recently took the Japanese fluency test, but failed)

When once asked in an interivew what he has to be sure to bring along with him, MJ answered that he has to make sure the other members are with him

Just before the release of Summer Vibes, Eunwoo went away to film for Law of the Jungle

Sanha is allergic to shrimp

Moonbin is allergic to dog hair and Jinjin is allergic to cat hair

During Spring Up era, ASTRO partnered with the Line Play app to add their own custom characters and content and later added Summer Vibes content as well; they also held a virtual fan meeting on the app

MJ likes retro-style fashion and his favorite food is sushi

As a child, Moonbin liked math in school and wanted to be a prosecutor

Eunwoo played soccer and basketball until high school, and MJ played soccer in elementary school

Eunwoo was class president until the end of his first year of high school

While filming the MV for Crazy Sexy Cool, MJ hurt his leg

When filming for an MV, Eunwoo fell off a set prop and onto a nail but he didn’t feel it; the manager took him to the hospital right away, and the doctor said that because Eunwoo’s butt is so plump, he avoided any real damage

The fandom name, AROHA, was picked by a fan; prior to debut, Fantagio allowed fans to submit fandom name ideas with their meanings on the fan cafe and then the members chose which one they liked the most

AROHA comes from AstRO Hearts All fans, and it also means “love” in Maori

Eunwoo has had many appearances: Hellovenus’ Mysterious MV, “The Best Hit” as MJ, “Revenge Note” as Cha Eunwoo, “My ID is Gangnam Beauty” as Do Kyungseok, “Top Management” as Woo Yeonwoo, Urban Zakapa’s You’re the Reason MV

Eunwoo has appeared in CFs for many companies: Blue Mountain, Polham, Tommy Hillfigure Denim, LaFuma, Cleratin, Baskin Robbins 31, Lotte World Park

Jinjin once said he’d like to be able to collaborate with Big Bang

Sanha had braces at debut and until Stray Kids debuted, he was the only idol to ever debut with braces

Rocky has choreographed a large number of ASTRO’s side tracks and has also made choreography for a few of Fantagio’s other groups (5urprise and Hello Venus)

During Summer Vibes promotions, Jinjin also performed as a special guest rapper on Eric Nam’s performances of “Can’t Help Myself” and also featured in the performance at KCON LA 2016

An early demo of My Style from Summer Vibes can be heard in the background of one of the episodes in To Be Continued

ASTRO’s very first concerts, THANKx AROHA, were held in August 2016; all 3 performances sold out in under 30 seconds

Following the above, ASTRO held 2 concerts in Japan in October 2016; after the first show’s 1,300 seats sold out and roughly 8,000 more fans expressed interest, Fantagio added a second show

Continuing the tour of above was a concert in Jakarta also in October 2016 and a concert in Thailand in February 2017

[gyoomie]

h,

1) i eased back into reading manga regularly after like. 3+ years? i think it helps that ive branched out to other genres outside of shoujo, such as yuri, BL, isekai and even webtoons. im still not great with long series though, so i usually stick to manga with 1 to 3 volumes (unless theyre REALLY good) ww

standout manga (ongoing): jibaku shounen hanako-kun (♡♡) / colette wa shinu koto ni shita / sachi-iro no one room (cw: emotional/physical abuse and mature themes)

standout manga (completed): ohayou, ibarahime / yagate kimi ni naru / vanilla chocolate cigarette

standout BL mangaka: furuya nagisa / suzumaru minta (nsfw) / hinohara meguru (explicit nsfw)

standout webtoons (ongoing): july found by chance (korean) / starting with a lie (从谎言开始) / to be or not to be (穿越成反派要如何活命)

※ im not linking to any manga sites bc uhh. piracy (pls support the original artist if u can ;w;) but if u need help finding anything or want more recs just drop an ask !!

2) those who follow me on twitter may know this alr but i started dabbling in a bit of kpop this year!! it honestly started with me reconnecting with a friend by supporting what she likes (and a bit of curiosity ngl), then it quickly spiralled out of control aha,, some friends have shared song recs so i do know other grps besides the ones listed below, but im still a casual lost person most of the time sjdsdjd

mamamoo ☀️ 26.02.19 standout songs: gleam (cf song) / gogobebe / 4x4ever

oneus 🌙 24.11.19 standout songs: lit / valkyrie / plastic flower

queendom final - album standout songs: destiny (mamamoo) / lion (g-idle) / sorry (AOA)

seventeen - by proxy standout songs: happy ending (japanese) / fear / flower

※ most of these are links to official mvs (if the song has one), which have english CC subs available! happy ending has an official mv but it doesnt have subs so i linked to a colour-coded vid instead lmao

3) ive always had this habit of just knowing about a series w/o actually getting into it, so its great that i finally got into some new stuff... even if a lot of it is still by proxy (^”: its kind of nervewracking to work with canon personalities and NOT au the shit out of everything, so thats a change of pace... still not giving up on vocaloid though !!

haikyuu!! - anime 3 drabbles

persona 5 - game by proxy 2 drabbles / 1 longfic

※ speaking of vocaloid, i was considering if i should share some recs... but decided against it or else this post is gonna be 32928 miles long orz,, i might do it next time? maybe? no promises

4) in terms of uni - jesus, where do i even begin. its been a trainwreck of grp projects this sem but thankfully my grades are still intact, and bc of a screwup with the mods my graduation has been pushed back by a whole year (thx @ uni, REALLY fueling my will to live here xoxo). its gross, it sucks, we dont stan, but what can u do, huh

… i mean i say that, but i cant deny the underlying frustration. i had only 4 mods left, was a little terrified of the idea of graduating but getting used to it, and now i have to wait a year to take my last mod. all the ppl i know in uni are graduating except me. its just... upsetting. sometimes i feel like im always the one who gets left behind.

but yea. i try not to think about it. again, what can u do but move on?

5) in terms of personal life - i know ive had like 3 major breakdowns (and some small ones in-between) over the past year. i fell out with a friend bc of my own insecurities, ive done my fair share of inexcusably shitty things, and im sorry. im working with my current counsellor to better myself. maybe im handling things a bit better than i did before, maybe im not. its a work in progress.

as for new year resolutions... i usually dont have any sdshdsjds i just hope next year will be kind. please @ god no more shitty grp projects my heart cant take it anymore

and thats 2019 - thanks for sticking around, and heres to 2020 (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧

[aikainkauna]

Fatigued? In pain all the time? The little-known illness that is far more common than we’ve previously thought, especially among geeks.

This is going to be a bit long, but it's so incredibly important, and so very much not just a personal issue that I hope you will read it (and hopefully, also share it). I'm choosing to speak about this now because this is an insanely unknown, disabling and yet seemingly a fairly common illness, and I want more people to know about it, especially as it affects geeks--geeky women in particular. I’ll talk about my own variant briefly at the beginning, but don’t stop reading there, thinking this is just a personal post--there are lists of symptoms and resources at the end that I urge you all to look at, because they are *frighteningly* common.

I and the doctors have finally found out I've got Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

Which means there is one, or there are several, genetic mutations in my body messing up the build of my collagen, collagen being the glue that holds your body together and which is found practically in all your tissues. So, technically, anything that can go wrong with your body might do *exactly* that, because that b0rked collagen is everywhere. This is why I've always been not only hypermobile (being good at yoga and able to bite my toenails and tie myself into knots while sitting down), but easily fatigued and have had trouble simply sitting, let alone standing or walking, because my muscles have to strain like crazy all the time to compensate for my connective tissues being too wobbly. (Every time I've participated in guided meditation, the exhortation to "sit up with your back straight, your body as relaxed as possible" has always been absurd to me, because I can't hold myself upright if I don't tense my muscles. Try it: lightly tense all the muscles in your body for a bit, and see how long you can hold that, and you will know what staying upright is like for someone with EDS). It's been said that having it is like the body having to do strength training with weights all the time, except, unlike on a normal person, the muscles never get to rest and recuperate fully (except during sleep, and even then perhaps not completely; to make it even more fun, sleep disorders are a common manifestation in EDS). I sprain things all the time--I do my back in even in my sleep, and get trapped nerves/sciatica just from walking; winter clothes, let alone bags, are exhausting for me to carry even for short distances. For me, lifting a coffee cup, due to the laxity of my connective tissues, requires the same amount of muscular exertion as it requires for a healthy person to lift a full pint. Et cetera. Plus all the other weird ailments, which I'll get to in a bit.

But the main reason I'm telling you all this is that you really, really, *really* ought to read up on EDS. The whole world does. But especially if you, or someone you know, suffer(s) from chronic fatigue and muscular pain and are bendy--*because it looks like this is actually the illness behind many (not all, but many) fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome cases.* I repeat, *this is now assumed to be the most common cause of fibromyalgia and CFS.*

And then there's all the other EDS-induced stuff, all freakishly common among geeks. Here’s a list of some of the most typical symptoms:

-Bendy? "Double-jointed?" Good at yoga (even without practice)?

-Gut problems/IBS? Leaky gut?

-Serious fatigue, unrefreshing sleep, body feels like it's made of lead? And is it unexplained by other conditions (such as a dicky thyroid or anemia)?

-Sleep problems, anxiety/panic attacks/PTSD, autism spectrum, AD(H)D?

-Bad PMS and awful reactions to the Pill and other progesterone preparations, health crashes after pregnancies, dysmenorrhea with godawful cramps (like you're giving birth to a demon baby every month), endometriosis, fibroids, pelvic pain and other gynaecological issues?

-Allergies by the bucketful? Multiple chemical insensitivities?

-Weird heart thumpages, blood pressure issues, fainting when standing up?

-Early-onset problems with eyesight?

-Can't go numb from anaesthetic, and/or are hard to put under for surgery (this is great fun)?

-Feel pain more intensely than other people (developing needle-phobia from horrid experiences when having blood drawn or being put on an IV drip)? Are all dentist trips and having gynaecological exams (even sex and wanking at times!) a nightmare?

-Or, as a bonus, has the weird pain response made you kinky or just crazily responsive to acupressure/acupuncture? Or just caresses?

-Have you got weird and/or excessive scar tissue formation? Keloids from piercings? Have your wounds healed badly; after surgeries, have your stitches torn spontaneously?

-Got hernias, squashed-up internal organs, including a heavy/tilted uterus, breathing problems like your lungs are squashed (but asthma inhalers don't seem to help much)?

-Weird bruises, and you have no idea where they came from? Excessive bleeding (including bleeding buckets during periods)? Varicose veins at a young age?

-Flat feet? Funny little round, soft bumps (piezogenic papules) on your ankles? Need sturdy shoes with high tops and arch support? Find it difficult or impossible to walk in high heels, due to wobbly ankles and/or the muscular strain it puts on the whole body?

-Constant sprains, muscle pulls/tears, dislocations, subluxations (=partial dislocations; just something going 'crunch', like when the bones of your hand or your vertebrae seem all scrunched up together and you need to pull them open), trapped nerves, monster headaches? Growing pains? Pressure in the skull?

-Just. Hurt. Everywhere?

-Weird adverse reactions to medications that are way worse than ordinary side effects, completely intolerable and/or causing permanent damage, even life-threatening situations?

-Even queerness/gender-atypicality (I am not joking; it goes with the neuropsychiatric profile)?

Guess what, they're all related to this exact damn thing! And just how common are they in fandom, among geeks?! Right? Weirded out yet? And this is *far* from being an exhaustive list, because again, this is a multisystem disease which can technically affect pretty much all your body parts and their functions. But if you said "yes" to several, take a deep breath and keep reading. Or if not, hell, keep on reading anyway, because it's likely you know someone with this thing--it could be as common as 5%-10% of the whole human population.

Even if you are born with this rubbish, people go undiagnosed for decades (I only got diagnosed at 38, and I’ve been sick ever since childhood!) and since it mostly affects women (although guys *can* be affected), it's ignored and/or psychiatrisised by doctors. And since the female body is a chaotic body horror movie anyway, many have just thought it's normal to always have little sprains and crunches everywhere all the time, and that the fatigue just has a merely neurological basis. That it's just depression or a part of having been born with XX chromosomes. But it isn’t.

And another main reason that it goes undiagnosed is the persistent myth that EDS *always* has to involve extremely stretchy skin and extreme hypermobility, which is categorically *not* the case for everybody. Even the sodding Wikipedia article (misleadingly) only uses photos of *extreme* hypermobility and skin stretchiness, of the usual circus performer contortionism EDS has traditionally been associated with but which is NOT WHAT YOU NEED TO HAVE TO HAVE EDS, I repeat, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A RUBBER PERSON TO HAVE EDS; you only have to be bendy and exhausted and ill. There are some people with it who are even *stiff.*

Thousands, hundreds of thousands of people remain undiagnosed even if EDS/hypermobility-related illness seriously messes up their daily lives--it can be debilitating. So, please, do yourself and your friends a favour and spread the word, and check out these links.

When to suspect EDS (blog discussion, also linking geekiness to this thing):

http://ohtwist.com/when-else-to-suspect-ehlers-danlos-syndrome

An overview on when to suspect, by a specialist (Dr. Bravo, PDF format):

http://ohtwist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/DrBravoWhenToSuspect.pdf

Good brochure:

https://www.chronicpainpartners.com/brochure/

Another overview from the same site:

https://www.chronicpainpartners.com/what-is-eds/

Hypermobile EDS diagnostic criteria, with pictures showing how the bendiness level is scored (see how many you or your friend can do):

http://edsresearch.weebly.com/the-brighton-score-and-the-beighton-score.html

Good infosite:

https://www.edhs.info/understanding-eds-h

Pictures of a woman with typical hypermobile EDS, which is far more common than the actual contortionist stuff, and thus goes unnoticed:

https://mastcellblog.wordpress.com/journey/edsphotos/

A good overview of the problems hypermobility can cause by a specialist doctor who knows what up. This made me pretty much scream at the screen because I have one of those exact types of insanely painful mini-hernias that some doctors don't believe are there because they are almost impossible to see with normal imaging, but which my gyn saw during laparoscopy (PDF format):

https://www.dynainc.org/docs/hypermobility.pdf

Why hormones, progesterone in general (contraceptives, pregnancy, PMS) screw up the hypermobile body and may cause serious damage:

http://hypermobility.org/help-advice/hormones-hypermobility/

The official site of the biggest, worldwide EDS/hypermobility organisation:

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/

UK support, including a toolkit for GPs on how to handle EDS:

https://www.ehlers-danlos.org/

Finnish EDS association:

https://www.ehlers-danlos.fi/

More info in Finnish, but this also has an embedded video clip (old but neat and short) from US telly (in English) to illustrate a family living with the disease:

https://eds-group.vuodatus.net/lue/2018/01/mista-voin-loytaa-tietoa-ehlers-danlosin-syndroomasta

(Hey, where have I seen eerie, elongated moves by a tall, bony guy before?! Yes, there are variants, like with the related illness, Marfan Syndrome, where people basically Look Like Cesare.)

And last but not least, the brilliant Dr. Sharon Meglathery's RCCX theory, which ties up all those illnesses I and others have noticed clustering around sensitive/artistic/neuroatypical/queer/geeky/triggered by everything folks, such as hypermobile EDS, fibromyalgia, endometriosis, allergies, IBS, sleep issues, stress hormone (adrenaline, cortisol) issues, CFS/ME, oh, you *know* the type when you read it. It's like a list of the usual Tumblr issues, for crying out loud--she might as well have called the PTSD-prone psychiatric profile that underlines these specific gene weirdnesses as "Triggered By Everything." Only it explains the links to the severe physical illnesses as well, and how and why they relate to stress hormone overload and why, thanks to problems with progesterone and cortisol metabolism, the physical illness stuff screws geeky women over more often than it does geeky men. And you owe it to yourself to read it.

https://www.rccxandillness.com/

I don't often say this, but reblog to save a life. These are geek illnesses, *our* illnesses. There are forms of this stuff that are lethal (causing stroke and heart attacks and organs going boom out of the blue at a young age), and the amount of suffering it can cause is ridiculous--I would have lived my life in a drastically different way, and would have never got so ill from the wrong medications and life choices, had I known I had EDS. (Just don't call me a "spoonie;" I'm not a fan of that thing--I'll explain later. Call yourself whatever you like; however, I'm still a ridiculous arctic chicken just as I've always been.) But there are still thousands of people out there who have all these symptoms and yet have never heard of this stuff, and for whom this knowledge can be life-changing, so *please,* spread the word.

Thank you.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

MY MTF HRT JOURNEY ~ A NEW YEAR, A NEW ME

THE END OF 2018

     2018 certainly presented its challenges and reviews. Here is a synopsis of the year at a glance...

JANUARY 2017

Since October 2016, I experimented with the use of bovine hormones and saw no results. The pills were God awful and made me feel sick. November of 2016; I called Cedar River Clinics to begin experimenting with HRT. Due to scheduling conflict, I was ordered to call back in February of 2017.

During the month of January, I began conducting research to decide if HRT was the right answer, that research would be concluded in April of 2017.

FEBRUARY 2017

After a month of deliberations, I decided to call Cedar River Clinics on February 10th and schedule a consultation.

My research conducted included cause-and-effect from taking hormones; punishment from my family and friends and long term analysis of not taking hormones.

MARCH 2017

March was mainly spent reading the IPATH book for MtF HRT, no deliberating was done.

APRIL 2017

April was spent considering what ‘type’ of HRT I wanted, cost and desired goals. I decided (based on a poor sociological test I performed on myself) to take my transformation as slow as possible.

I also began considering names and what spectrum I wanted to be called. By the end of the month, I decided on being called ‘David Mira’ and my spectrum fell somewhere between: Gender Fluid, Gender Non-Conforming, Non-Gender with my sexuality being: Asexual or Abstained .

MAY 2017

On May 5th 2018; after two long years of deliberation, I finally decided to instigate my plans to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy (with possibility of SRS and Chest Agumentation in 2-5 years). Under the direction of Cedar River Clinics in Tacoma, Washington. It was very exciting (that I was finally doing this!) and scary (that I was finally doing this!).

     I was seen by Doctor Marsh; we did not get along very well and I sought a second opinion. Baseline bloodwork was done and I was scheduled for a follow up on May 12th with a PCA named Sarah H.

We began a very low dose of hormones (spironolactone and finasteride) and plan to go one month to see how I tolerated.

At the time, I was simply called ‘David’ due to confusion in my name. The dose was so low that there were no changes physically or mentally.

JUNE 2017

About a month into my HRT, I felt like I had a new release on life. Transiting was still non-existent. The effects of transiting was still non-existent, but the knowledge that nothing would ever be the same brought hope to my despair that plagued my happiness and confidence in my person. It is difficult to describe the psychological aspect of having body dysphoria; it is like living in a mask or costume that is not you and you can not break free. Inside is your hidden self, you know what you look like, but the thin skin is a lie.

By the end of June, I began experiencing my first signs that the transformation was about to begin: Sharp stinging pain on the sides of my areoles. It was an ingrown hair and for awhile, I did not know what to think.

JULY 2017

My third trip to Cedar River brought more consideration as I was finally starting to adapt to my transitional name. I changed my gmail accounts, Facebook...all social media and names on my Apple devices from just David to David Míra.

With my desire to achieve more results (and handling two months rather well), we added estrogen patches which turned out to be a terrible idea when you also have CF. The salty sweat just ruins them!

AUGUST 2017

     By month four, the estrogen patches were having very little effect on my HRT. So we moved from patches to pills, beginning with a very low dose of just one estradiol pill in the morning and one at night.

Slowly, the hallow void under each nipple began to blossom like a tumor, growing in size. I was entering the earliest stages of budding, a very painful period of breast development.

Besides only some remote discomfort in the chest, there was very little that was changing. Only thing that was rapidly changing was my weight! I was losing pounds and it wasn’t muscle mass. I also began to notice a change in my mood...I was becoming emotional (it was so easy to cry) and became quite extroverted as I was going out with friends more often and socializing.

SEPTEMBER 2017

     With budding breasts, you’d think that they would start growing! But they did the opposite, they shrank in size by almost 2 inches! Certain changes were beginning to become noticeable to me. For awhile I wonder if they are hopeful wishing, but over time, you can root out what is fact from fantasy. First most, my skin was changing. I was expecting my skin to become dry, but it never did...only became very silky. The skin on the gentials and nipples also changed, feeling, rubbery.

Nipples had greatly changed as they were standing erect more often and the areoles began to ‘puff out��. This was the first major change I noticed and pictures were documenting.

OCTOBER 2017

Month six, I returned back to Cedar River to review over the plan. We increased the dose and began to change. Mentally, I did not ‘feel’ different and began to only use one name: Míra.

Things were going so well...until I became very sick, as my lungs collapsed and I ended up in the ICU. Without my hormones on file, I did not receive my meds and this triggered the worst depression I have ever felt. I began to have negative thoughts about what I was doing to myself and considered calling the clinic to stop my HRT.

About a week off hormones, my buds literally felt like they were ‘deflating’, the hardness softening and the pain deadening. I became desperate to get back on my hormones as I did not like the way I felt.

NOVEMBER 2017

The whole month of November, I only took my HRT meds about three days out of the whole month. I began having horrific stomach pains, nausea and vomiting. I did not know what was going on and thought it was the hormones. When I took the pills, I got sick...when I did not take the pills, I was hunky-dory.

To add a new layer of ‘oddness’, I began to experiencing some form of lactation from both nipples. Not unheard of, lactation is common in girls who have high progesterone levels in their blood.

With the sickness and depression, I did not began to clear out until about the last week of November and began considering if it was worth taking HRT and called to cancel my appointment...only to reschedule.

Even off hormones, my body continued to manually change. My breasts began to blossom once more and grow! I was starting to cup, which delighted my heart, but also troubled me as I did not know with I would do with a partly metamorphosed body.

DECEMBER 2017

Come the Christmas holidays, I resumed my HRT and when I went to have my bloodwork completed, I expected high testosterone and low estrogen, but both were very high! This certainly battled the doctors.

     Considering my gender fluid life, I was going through so many other changes that I was surprised of the choices I was making. In a few articles, I wrote about the effects that HRT has on the brain, and to be honest, I did not think there would be many changes. But I began to ‘think’ differently. Acting off emotional impulse instead of rational impulse.

     Some of the thoughts I have experienced have startled me, some have made socializing so much easier...for some reason, as I am actually comfortable in my own transitional skin.

[cielospeaks]

actual unpopular go opinions

because the ones online were cliche and half assed

-mashu good. and imo overall shes not really as forced to be your “waifu” as characters in other games. 1. theres an explanation- the player saves her life and she saves their life several times, and 2. the player character actually has a face and personality, making it an easy fucking option if you dont relate to their role of “loves and cares for mashu” to just be like “yup, thats guda/ritsuka, not me”. other games (im looking at you f-h) do the government assigned waifu thing way worse with way less likeable and interesting characters, plus dont even have a face to assign to that role so it is obligatorily “you”.

-re: the main fate series, i just find no appeal in it. (zero, any of the 2004 era routes) the characters are kinda ok on their own and in other settings (like go for instance), and possibly in small doses (cf), but i think its a combination of the storyline and tone and ect. that just make anything following the narrative of zero/stay night absolutely unwatchable for me. ive seen the two hf movies with a friend, but with any of the other parts (the animes, including even the cooking one) i can barely handle getting through the parts i like. ive seen the cu episode twice and dont plan on seeing any more. its a shame really. it seems like something that would appeal to me but the constant mean spiritedness of the characters is really draining for me, i think because its supposed to be sympathetic.

-apoc is good. it does more for the characters than most fate things do, actually offering multi dimensional characters with a chance of redemption rather than just killing off everyone who isnt a main character. sieg’s story and motivations are interesting to see, and to see develop, and along with the original medea/medusa/heracles (not their iterations in later stuff) the greek heroes in apoc (atlanta and achilles and chiron) are actually well done. i kinda hate how later stuff/go has gone abt greek mythology, with the exception of circe. i also dont have a problem with some characters having smaller roles, its a big ass cast so thats bound to happen. but they have fleshed them out better in other works, the best example being avicebron in lb1. theyre supposed to be a parallel to saber and kiritsugu, but i liked the mordred and sisigou dynamic infinitely better.

-knk is very good, but i would not recommend it to those who would be uncomfortable with the gore and sensitive topics. its not really an essential thing, esp for go only, and just knowing the brief summary is probably fine. but i do find it one of the more.. enjoyable works in the franchise, if not a bit terrifying.

-eor in general i have no plans to play at all. it failed to engage me from start to finish. at best i just felt uninterested in it (agartha and shimousa for the most part) and at worst pissed off beyond compare (@ what they did to hessian and lobo, esp the insinuations that neither is strong and cant be servants, and just salem but especially how they treated sanson in it). i felt 2017 go as a whole was really uninteresting and not very investing, and very much overshined by 2018 go in a lot of ways (esp 2017′s reliance on “you must hate this character!!!!11!!”, which to be fair was carried over from the previous years. but they didnt do it in 2018 so. you can do this, you just choose not to)

-also re: part 1, the ending was very bad. reliant on cheap plot twists and character death for an emotional investment, and its painful in a cringe way to see it again now for na. babylonia was ok, but the rest of the later game story in 1 was kinda awful.

-part 2 (lostbelt) is actually not bad once you get past some of the bullshit thats a turn off. or at least lostbelt year 1 was not bad. i feel like the second camelot and whatever the hell wodmine is up to could be the disappointment that 2018 go was spared. but i can be grateful that lb1 finally got me to fall for musashi, because eor was a big turn off for me to her, which is a shame because she is really good.

[jimlingss]

Starlet and Moonstruck [2]

Chapter 1||Chapter 2||Chapter 3||Chapter 4||Chapter 5 Words: 5.3k Genre: Fluff & Humour, Actress!Au Summary: As a newcomer actress struggling to make a name for yourself in the tough industry, you’re absolutely ecstatic to see your Dispatch pictures on the front page of Naver....but..what is this?! This isn’t about you!

Who’s the third guy from the left?!

Cr.

Once the digital clock, blaring red numbers back at him, has switched the minutes from 59 to 00, Seokjin refreshes the page immediately. He knows the competition is low but he can’t risk losing out on this opportunity. He would regret it for the rest of his life.

The blank screen switches to one with a catalogue full of posters, plushies and hoodies. Seokjin glimpses over at them, putting each object into the shopping cart. In five minutes, he’s at the online checkout section, grabbing his wallet to pay.

As he opens up the leather pouch, he finds himself with less than thirty dollars in cash but whatever. Seokjin brushes it aside, grabbing his card and purchasing the items with express shipping.

Even if he’s broke, as your number one fan and with you as his ultimate bias, he’ll always make an exception in his funds to buy your merch.

Oh...the stanning life.

//

“Nice job, Seokjin!” “You’ve got this in the bag!” “Great job!”

He stands in the corner, arms folded in front of him, head dipping with each compliment and growing sheepish from embarrassment. The owner of the coffee shop has never been this kind to him before. In the past, he was often told to scrub the brown toilets back to white or to go diving in the dumpster for a cheap necklace she accidentally threw out. He even has to sweep up her toenail bits after she’s clipped them at the front entrance, sitting on the stool, waiting all day for customers.

But ever since Seokjin’s obtained the name ‘Third Guy From The Left’, business has been better. Thus, the lady has treated him with a strange amount of courtesy, going as far as to tell him to simply sit there and do nothing.

He got this part-time job on the side to help him make ends meet while he chases after his real dream of being a director. Of course, he has the job of being your bodyguard now but the owner of the café can be very persuasive and he found himself continuing to pick up shifts.

“Oh my god!” Yet another girl swoons and he ducks to hide his warming face. “Can you please sign my phone?”

Her friend jumps, “me too! Me too!”

“Nope! Nope!” The stingy owner stops him from signing with the permanent marker. “You have to buy a drink first!”

The girls stare at her before huffing out, grabbing the wallets from their bag. As if that wasn’t enough, his boss continues to capitalize on his popularity, setting out a drink package that allows others to take a picture of him, increasing the price if people want to take it with him, continuing to increase if they want him to sign something and the list goes on.

The owner goes out, setting up a large sign that the ‘Third Guy From The Left’ works here and she goes to social media to rave about it. There should be lineups winding all the way down five blocks but the coffee shop is ridiculously hard to find. Seokjin, himself, gets lost frequently and initially, he only found this place by accident. It’s a huge maze of through alleyways and unnamed streets, passing through rough neighborhoods and unpaved roads. It’s no wonder the café doesn’t get many customers and why the rent for the place is so cheap; location, location, location - the realtors always said and this place sucks.

A lot of people went on the internet to say that the owner of the café was lying and such a place doesn’t even exist when they’re unable to find it but a few people tread on and they do manage.

“You should keep working here forever!” The middle-aged lady snickers under her breath, licking her thumb and counting up the wad of cash. “I’d make sure you wouldn’t have to lift a finger or use that brain of yours until retirement!”

Seokjin merely laughs, hoping his shift will end soon.

//

“H-hello.” He bows from his waist, accidentally knocking his head into the desk and wincing with an ‘ow’. He steps back, standing straight again with his navy blue binder hugged to his chest. “My name is Kim Seokjin, I am twenty-four years of age and I’m looking to apply here at this company.”

The man behind the desk and the team of interns turn their heads to look at him. Upon finding that he’s unrecognizable, the man turns down to his papers. “Sorry. We’re not hiring.”

“I-uh…”

Another intern steps up, guiding Seokjin out the door before he can provide any sort of explanation for his cause. The door shuts. The binder falls to his side when his arm slumps. He presses his forehead against the wall, sighs through his teeth, the feeling of rejection tingling his senses. How is he supposed to move forward with his dream when no one will even give him a chance?

“Seokjin?”

He spins around but doesn’t know who it is. The boy drops his chin once again, only to do a double take, eyes widening at the sight of you. “Y/N?”

You skip up to him, chewing a snack in your cheek and swallowing it down. “What are you doing here? I thought this was your day off.”

He spends a long moment staring at you, soaking in all your features and making sure he’s in reality, not dreaming up a storm at night. He’s still trying to get used to seeing you around in real life and not on the digital screens or behind metal fence barriers. But today, it’s much different.

You’re makeupless and sporting an old hoodie from your high school alumni. It’s not bad. You look fine, the same eyes and sparkle, the smile and sweet voice. It’s simply that he’s used to seeing you flawless, without a blemish to spare, hair blow dried with copious amounts of products and volume. Seokjin always considered you as a goddess.

But you’re much more human than he thought.

“I...uh...I’m trying to apply for a job.”

“At the company?” You raise your brows, digging your hands into the sweater’s pocket. “Don’t you already work as my ‘bodyguard’?”

You make air quotations and he fights back a smile, glad that you’re a burst of vivid energy in his monochrome life. “I’m looking for a job where I can-”

“Right, right.” You remember now. “You want to be a director…..hmmm…..let me try.”

This is your moment to shine. It’s now that you can truly show off your status and the position you have in this place. You can finally flaunt off your power to someone and impress him.

“Ahem.” You tap on the desk, interrupting the presentation of the interns who are scribbling ideas for a new production on the whiteboard. The man swivels around his chair, exhaling in exhaustion and he gives you an unimpressed expression. “Mr. Wang, please give this man a job.”

Your hands are on your hips and you cock your head to one side. The man narrows his eyes at you, pupils boring into your visage. The interns have quieted down, waiting impatiently for the shenanigans to be over. Seokjin gulps, anticipating an answer.

To him, your backside is the strongest, the most admirable and he’s already proud of himself for not dropping to the ground in screams over his bias actually fighting for him-

“Who are you?”

//

Well shit. If that guy didn’t work at the company, you would’ve punched him in the face.

“It’s okay, Y/N.” Seokjin repeats as he gazes at you, repressing soft giggles as he observes you rub your eyes for the millionth time with the sleeve of your sweater. Upon asking, you strongly denied that you shed any sort of tears. “Really. It already means a lot to me that you tried.”

It’s embarrassing. You’re ashamed. Your entire face is red and you wish the earth would open to swallow you whole. Your pride is too much sometimes and for your ego to be bruised, you feel angry and upset. Someone at the company, your company, didn’t even know who you are.

“Y/N?”

“Shut up.”

Seokjin wonders how you can be so cute.

He smiles happily, walking back to your apartment with you alongside him. It’s a rare day off for you too - granted by Soo-Ae who’s scrambling to get several more auditions for you and then it’ll be back on the grind of memorizing lines and practicing the scenes out until they become muscle memory.

“HEY!”

You shatter Seokjin out of his daydream and he watches as you go flying to your car in the parking lot. A horde of kids go sprinting out of the bushes nearby, rushing past him in scattered giggles, feet hitting against the concrete pavement. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

You bend over, hands on your knees, whimpers and whines leaving your throat. The man who was with you approaches in light steps, bewildered when he heard you cussing aloud. But then he spots the big brown turd on the hood of your car and the bright yellow word ‘POO’ sprayed across from the doors.

“Dammit.”

You always knew doing that laxative CF was a bad idea.

Out of the corner of your hawk eyes, you find an empty can of spray paint rolling near the tree and you scream. The two kids jump up in response, laughing their heads off and you chase them around the parking lot, spitting on the ground and yelling at them to clean up the mess they made or you’ll find their parents and sue for damages.

Meanwhile, Seokjin is in a state of incredulity, unable to comprehend that this adult woman who he’s idolized and worshipped, is running after the neighborhood kids, uncaring that the fabric skirt is being flipped up and giving him an eye-full of pink panties.

It’s not a bad thing. He finds it kind of funny in a way.

“Got you now!” You wiggle your fingers, cornering them by the front entrance of your apartment. The two children exchange a look, excited from the chase as if you were playing a game of tag with them. There’s good reason why they’re not afraid of you - sure, you’re pissed that someone took a shit on the hood of your car and vandalized it but the vehicle was always a piece of shit anyways.

And you have no plans on beating them up, reporting them to the police or suing poor kids who already didn’t have enough to eat. They were simply mischievous children making memories for the future. You were at that age once and if you got in trouble for all your mischief-making, you’d be in prison by now.

The two of them swap looks and at the same time, they bolt in different directions, right out of your grasps, a hair away from nipping them by the collar of their shirts. You sigh with a smile, shaking your head. “Seriously stop it! I’m going to actually call the police one of these days!”

If you become rich and famous in the future and you move to a nicer part of town, maybe you’ll look back on today and miss being around these terrorizing kids. They’re one of the few things that make you feel less lonely.

“You know...” You tilt your head with a pout, exhausted from the ordeal. “-You’re my bodyguard. Aren’t you supposed to defend me? It’s your one job.”

Seokjin stifles back a laugh, opening the door to your apartment complex. “Against little kids?”

The pair of you enter the stairway, marching up a few levels and conquering the mountain of steps. But as you fish out for your key to the door, the thought floods back in your head and you drop your arm, sigh dripping of tiredness. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” He blinks in his innocence, not understanding the purpose of the apology.

“I couldn’t get you the job. I couldn’t even get them to hear you out. I….I couldn’t do anything for you.” The shame and self-disappointment cripples your confidence, prompting you to blink away the tears and clench your fist. An urge to pull on the strands of your hair overwhelming you.

But Seokjin places his hand over yours and you lift your chin, locking your eyes with his warm ones. He shakes his head and smiles at you graciously, the corner of his lips raising, looking as handsome as he did in the photos that caused you to be here with him. “You’ve already done enough for me. It’s okay, Y/N. Thank you.”

“If anything,” he adds on, “it didn’t really matter that much. I-....I actually have another interview with a director I really admire and if he could bring me under his wing, that would be...a dream…..it’s just...”

“What?”

“I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be.”

You smile back at him, melting in your spot. Your heel spins around and you finally unlock your door. “Anyone would be happy to have you.”

//

With your reassurance in mind, voice echoing in the hollows of his brain, he takes a deep breath and enters the shop, smoothing out his polo shirt and his neat hair. Seokjin’s hands are shaking and quivering, yet, he takes the courage to step forward. Immediately, he finds the table where the esteemed Park Chanwook is, reading the menu and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

If Seokjin stanned you and had you as his bias, Park Chanwook is his role model. The man began as film critic and from then on, helped to create masterpieces like ‘Lady Vengeance’, ‘Oldboy’, ‘The Handmaiden’ and ‘The Truth Beneath’. He’s won thousands of awards, Best Director to Daesang, famous in his field and to be several meters away from him, Seokjin feels nauseous.

“H-hello.”

“Oh, you must be Kim Seokjin. Nice to meet you.” The older man motions to the unoccupied chair across from him. “Take a seat.”

The younger man blacks out for a few minutes. He doesn’t remember making small talk or ordering from the waitress but by the time he focuses back in, the director is chuckling and he has his entrée half eaten in front of him. “You’re a very charming individual, Seokjin. I'll give you that much but I think we should start looking at your credentials.”

The director wipes his mouth with the tablecloth napkin, setting aside his unfinished lunch and grabbing his file folder. He has Seokjin’s binder as well, flipping through the perfected portfolio that’s had heart and soul poured into each page. Seokjin holds his breath, knee bouncing underneath the table, watching as the director hums every so often and looks through his resume.

“Alright.” Mr. Park Chanwook closes up the documents, clasping his hands onto the table. “You have a good education and a good personality. You’re likeable and easygoing which is very refreshing to see.”

He blushes, flustered from the amount of praise. Seokjin had graduated from the prestigious Seoul University two years ago with a Film Studies degree; albeit not a popular major, one he was shamed for and one where he finds difficulty finding a job in. After graduating, he worked on honing his camera and writing skills before officially applying and entering the entertainment industry. Unfortunately, he never received any calls back and he had given up on his dream of being a director long ago until he found you.

It was you that reignited the fire within him, you who inspired to chase after his ambitions again.

“But aside from those things-” The older man shakes his head and Seokjin’s heart falls to his stomach. “-you have no other background, no experience, no network, no connections. And because of those things, those crucial things, I don’t think you’re suited for this job.”

The bomb drops upon his shoulders and Mr. Park continues, “perhaps in a few years time but I’m deeply sorry Kim Seokjin, you’re not what we’re looking for.”

There’s a moment of silence.

Seokjin gathers his wits and he breathes out a steady breath. “H-how can I improve?”

How can he receive more experience if no one wants to give him a chance? How is he supposed to build relationships when others won’t even talk to him? How is he supposed to make it if no one helps?

Park Chanwook sits back in his seat, crossing his arms and exhaling an extended stream of air. He seems to contemplate the question deeply before answering. “You’re kind and earnest - that much, I can tell. It’s admirable and something I hope you won’t lose in the future. I have a son your age and you actually remind me a lot of him, so, allow me to be frank with you. I hope you won’t take my criticism to heart.”

“Y-yes…” Seokjin nods, “please go ahead.”

“Not everyone can become great people. If it were that possible and easily obtainable, then everyone would be great. Every single person would be a superstar but in reality, there is one.” He holds up his finger before putting it down again. “Not everyone can achieve greatness. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a family?”

“I do.”

“Good,” he hums. “Take care of them. Take care of your parents and support them, start your own family, settle down. Your dream isn’t just your own. It affects everyone in your life.”

It’s at this second that Seokjin really looks at the man in front of him, the person who seems to have exhaustion permanently etched into his bones, wrinkles in places where there shouldn’t be, tired eyes and sunken in cheekbones. “As someone who’s been in this business for a long time, too much...I know when it’s enough. I know when it’s better if someone were to let go. I want you to make a living, Seokjin, and this isn’t it.”

The man has seen things, lived through hell and came back, turned a blind eye when he shouldn’t have but was forced to. The industry is cut-throat and competitive, full of backstabbers and liars. For the sake of keeping another person sane, he pours out all his honesties.

“The sooner you quit this race that has no finish line, the better your life would be.”

Seokjin sits alone in his chair. The world pulls away from him. He can’t do anything but listen to the heartbeat that pounds in his eardrums. His head downcasts to his lap. And he receives the painful advice as best as he can. “T-thank you.”

//

The darkness came before the light could even fade away.

Seokjin is collapsed in the corner, arm rested on top of his knees, head leaning against the wall, phone pressed against his ear. His portfolio binder, full of photographs and writing, his countless ideas, are abandoned by his side, discarded and dumped. “Come home.”

His father tells him on the other line and his mother’s tearful voice can also be heard. “We’re not sad, son.”

“If you’re worried about disappointing us then don’t be. I’m already happy you’re my son. I don’t need anything else from you. You’ve just been gone for so long.”

“We miss you,” his father intercepts again. “Jjanggu doesn’t even remember you anymore. Your younger brother asks about you a lot. We miss you. Don’t you think you’ve spent enough time in Seoul? Son, just let the dream be a dream. Come home to us.”

He sleeps that night.

When his guilt, his agony, his turmoil has become too much to bear, Kim Seokjin escapes the world of reality to the ones in his dreams, letting his exhaustion release him from his nightmares. But when his mind prevents him from leaving into a deep slumber, his tear-stained pillow tells more stories than his broken voice can manage.

He only finds a sense of solace in your presence. You, who is too nervous and preoccupied with the audition to notice his anguish, too ignorant to realize his suffering. It’s a good thing. He doesn’t want to speak out his bleak future and the prospects of having to desert what he wants most.

“Why are you eating right now?”

Soo-Ae, your manager, is on the phone and she excused herself to the washroom, leaving you with your bodyguard. You’re still chewing on the way to the conference room and Seokjin giggles at your cheek that’s stuffed with chicken. “I gained weight for the role. This is my last chance to gain some more.” You lick your fingers off, using a wet wipe to fix your lipstick and clean up any greasy messes. “Alright, wish me luck!”

He opens the door for you, “good luck!”

At least if he couldn’t achieve his ambitions, if he saw you make it, maybe it’ll be enough for him.

“You should dump him!” You visibly sulk, hands on your hips, bottom lip jutted out. The role was created in order to promote the chicken company that would sponsor the drama. It’s a side character and not of any importance to the plot but as long as you get screen time, you don’t care what kind of things you have to do. “You should eat chicken instead! Don’t you know that chicken can cure all kinds of things like the flu to heartbreak?”

You pause, pretending that you made the main role laugh. “See?! It’s already helping you already! I’m telling you he’s too-”

“Stop! Stop! Stop!” The middle judge of the three rubs his forehead and frowns as if he’s under a massive headache. “Look, to make this go by faster, we need someone with more charm or someone with more fame. It draws in more attention to the drama but you obviously….wha-.....what’s your name again?!”

You scoff openly in disbelief. Your resume is right in front of him and he couldn’t look down to read your name? Meanwhile, Seokjin sits at the back of the room, watching the entire scene play out and he wishes it was part of the audition. Unfortunately, he’s about to witness you get slaughtered.

“I’m going to be clear with you - you’re not talented,” the lady to the left remarks in a cold tone. “You don’t have the skill or the material we want. Your posture is bad, your expressions are stiff, you recite lines like a robot - really, why are you even acting? Is this a joke to you?”

A muscle in your cheek twitches but you keep quiet. “I recommend you reconsider your career choices,” she says and you tremble in a mixture of emotions, all threatening to pour over your head like a bucket of ice water.

You slowly turn off to the last lady at the right, your only hope left remaining. But she seems to be distracted, staring off at the glass windows of the city buildings. They’re prepared to call for the next person and you hold back your tears, bawling up your fist to your side.

“I..I’m still going to act! I’ll make it one day.” You manage without your voice wavering and you look at the producers straight in the eye before bowing from your waist. “Thank you for your constructive criticism. I will work hard in the future to improve my abilities and I’ll come back.”

The man pulls his hands over his face, wondering what he has to say to get the message through your thick skull. “No. Don’t.”

“I will. It’s my dream. Thank you for your concern but it’s my life.”

Seokjin’s heart has stopped. His eyes have grown wide. Something strums within his chest.

“If your words alone could make me give up, then that means I lacked sincerity within my dream and that it meant nothing to me. Thank you and goodbye.”

You hold your head up high, strutting out of the room, leaving the producers rolling their eyes in indignation and shaking their heads at your ignorance. On the other hand, Seokjin trails behind you, watching your backside and wondering how you could be so close but so far away.

He marvels at you. You’re a star shining in the sky, a starlet that he can never reach.

//

If only the image in Seokjin’s head and his high regard for you was true, perhaps, you would be a perfect, immortal angel. Regrettably, you are a very flawed individual.

“I can’t do this anymore.” You ball up the damp tissues in your hand, the tears continuing to cascade down your cheeks. Seokjin is at a loss of what to do, the person he reveres is broken in front of him, mascara running down your cheeks, oversized sweater enveloping your frame.

It was an act.

The entire outburst in front of the producers was a mere facade to save your pride.

You were lying to them, lying to the world, lying to yourself. And now you’re tired. You’re simply exhausted of running in the absolute darkness, chasing after nothing, meaninglessly wasting your days away without an inch of improvement. You can’t do this anymore.

“W-what about all the things you said in there about coming back in the future?”

Seokjin doesn’t understand. You were so cool in front of the producers, level headed and calm. On screen, you’ve been even more amacculate. To see you crying on the floor, huddled up by yourself with the apartment lights off is utterly baffling to his mind.

“It was a fucking lie!” You scream at him, hurling the paper tissue box at his stomach to which he catches. “I’m so tired. Do you know how long I’ve been doing this for? Six years! More than half a goddamn decade! I lost contact with all my friends, my family doesn’t even want to call me, I don’t have food to eat, the hot water doesn’t even work in this stupid place and the only thing I thought I was good at, they told me I suck.”

How is he supposed to comfort you? How is he supposed to make things better? Seokjin doesn’t have any clue.

“You said that if their words were enough to tear you down, that means your dream wasn’t sincere…”

You chuckle mirthlessly, shaking your head and wiping your cheeks with the sleeve of your hoodie. “You don’t understand. T-they’re professionals who’ve been working there longer than I’ve been alive...they know what they’re talking about. They know from first glance who’s good and who’s bad…”

You gasp for a breath of air. “You want to know something?”

Seokjin sits across from you on the floor, gazing at your face soaked in by the moonlight. He always thought you looked the most beautiful in the milky wash, where your beauty wasn’t dissected through harsh artificial lighting and your skin glowed instead. He’s especially transfixed at the way your tear drops twinkle, rolling off your cheeks like sparkling diamonds.

“What is it?”

“I’m good at acting. I fucking know I am.” You bitterly smile to yourself, sniffling the cries away. “It’s true that I was inspired at a young age but it was a stupid dream. “My entire life, I’ve been likeable, pretty, outgoing. It’s easy. It’s easy to act happy.”

You’ve always had a talent for smiling on cue, acting as if everything’s okay, putting on an appearance that you’re put together.

You whisper your words out, each syllable wrapped in an unadulterated pain. “You know, if you start to pretend you’re happy, it might feel like it’s real. For a long time, you’ll believe in it. But in the end, it’s fake. It’s bullshit. I’m not happy - I hate myself - and I live a shitty ass life.”

Seokjin has always put you on a higher pedestal. You are the flawless actress, the beautiful goddess with a shining smile that he could only imagine pinning after. You were the one he daydreamed about, the person out of his league, the individual behind the screen, the black mirror of his computer and phone, the one he glorified and looked up to.

There’s almost a sense of betrayal by the way you’ve broken down in front of him. You’ve been presented so perfectly that witnessing your tears, your bitterness, the human inside of you, it should leave a sour taste on his tongue. He’s been lied to. You’re far from the image you present. You've broken the fourth wall. You’re not the impeccable, happy woman that he thought you were.

No.

Each teardrop that rolls from your eyelashes to your chin, dripping on the floorboard, echoes loudly in the apartment, causing him to wince, shattering his expectations, piercing straight through his soul and slapping him across the face with a simple realization-

You’re no longer merely someone he idolizes.

You are L/N Y/N, a dedicated starlet trying to make it in the cut-throat industry, a girl who was initially crass to him but only as a defense mechanism. You aren’t that far away figure anymore, shining brightly in the sky to which he gazed upon from a distance with admiration.

You are here. You are a human.

He repeats the same words the director gave to him. Only, this time Seokjin twists them around.

“You’re earnest. You work hard. You’re good. I know it. Not everyone can become great people - if it were easy then everyone would be a star. In reality, there’s only one. You’re that one.”

You scoff, stealing another tissue to dab at your eyes. “Yeah right.”

“You are.” He reasserts in a strong voice, timbre shaking the walls of your home. You look up at Seokjin, the boy who’s black cloud of hair nearly pricks into his eyes, his irises that have softened and plush lips downturned in frustration. The white sweater on his frame and black, ripped pants are worn but still firm on his body. “You just have to keep going in order to make it and never stop. Your dreams are your own and you shouldn’t put blame onto other people or make excuses because of them. If they care about you, they’ll understand. It might be difficult but I’m here. I’m here for you.”

“The race doesn’t have a finish line but the point of it isn’t to finish. It’s the process of running.”

You laugh aloud, a ringing and familiar tone that has him easing. You wipe your eyes again but there’s no point, not when more are accumulating by the second. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t give up.”

It’s not only to you but for himself as well.

“Don’t be naive,” you mutter past the thick lump in your throat, too stubborn to hear his sweet encouragement. As much as you want to listen to him, step back up again, you don’t want to be disappointed again and again. For your entire existence, you’ve been let down over and over again. There’s only so much you can bear by yourself.

“You make it sound so easy. It’s not. You don’t understand-”

“Maybe I don't.” He retorts back in a sharper tone. “But I know this is just the beginning. If you can become so easily knocked down from a few words and rejections, then maybe you do lack sincerity within your dream.” Seokjin traces the same words you used earlier and you tear your eyes away from him.

“Y/N. If you can overcome these struggles, you’ll rise higher and higher. And you don’t need to do it alone. So...don’t give up. The most beautiful days haven’t even begun yet.”

You burst out crying, grabbing the entire tissue box to weep on. He smiles down at you, wiping away his eyes and Seokjin finds that he doesn’t care that you’re not as perfect as he remembered. You’re no longer the actress he loves.

You’re Y/N. And somehow, that’s a million times better.

//

Seokjin opens up his laptop, clicking a few times before a blank document is on his screen. He inhales a huge breath of air, fingers hovering over the keyboard and after a moment of mustering courage, he begins to write the first few lines of a new script.

Lights. Camera. Action.