#guys im so insane already u know

[huexuri]

★ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‧‧ 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭.

NSFW, MDNI!!!

⚠︎ sensitive topics: mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts, a scene mentioning eating disorders and self harm, another mention of self harm (scars) in another scene but it's used in a fluff scene ⚠︎

➜ pairing: fem!reader x switch!kai

➜ synopsis: you're in a very dark place. in your hopes of finding a best friend that loves the same things you do; just to give yourself one last chance to be happy, you come across hueningkai — who ends up being the beam of light in your dull, melancholy hell of a life.. and he might've just saved you from ending it all.

➜ genre: angst, smut, fluff, college au, love at first sight

➜ warnings: first of all — reader is GOING THROUGH IT holy shit... and is pretty ill mentally, reader has ed, has sh scars and stuff like that, fem!reader, switch!kai, the sensitive topics stated above, angst is mostly in the beginning and scattered throughout the story, first time sex, blowjob, cum eating, quite a lot of fluff, quite a lot of swearing (literally the first 2 words of the fic LMAOO), friends to lovers trope, fluff ending, implied that reader wears baggy clothes, reader is basically a character and not "you" anymore in this sense.

➜ wc: 8.5k WHAT THE FUCK

➜ note: this is nawt proofread!!!! my first ever serious fic...... really hope i don't fuck this up or forget about it or!!!!! ya. + I WENT INSANE WRITING THIS like bitch was so hard 2 write 4 WHAT

“fucking bitch seriously blocked me on everything...”

you stare at your phone screen in disbelief.

“fuck you mean by i can't contact this number??!” you shouted in fury — your voice echoed into nothingness as you collapse onto the comfort of your mattress.

as your phone slips from your grasp, it drops to the ground. you let it fall, indifferent. you bury your head into a pillow and let it soak your salty tears.

but.. how did you end up like this?… all because of your now ex best friend — yewon. she found a man. at first, you were beyond delighted for her. she'd always complained to you about being lonely, and you swore to her that she had you, no matter what… but she didn't. she broke your promise — and the girl that once had an irreplaceable bond with you had turned into someone else when you voiced to her about your suicidal thoughts. it didn't help that she seemed like she loved her few week relationship with that guy more than the eight year friendship she had with you. you'd always been there for her through thick and thin, yet when you opened up about your struggles, it didn't occur to you that she'd scold you for being sensitive... or for being an attention seeker? or that she'd rather talk to a fucking trash can than listen to you blabber all day about some "emo shit"?

she would never say this to you. you know she wouldn't.

when you texted her about that, she was out with that stupid fucking guy. she didn't have time for you. but to you, it wasn't just emo shit — you really needed her. this time, you really. needed. her.

you still tried to reach out to apologize; but she chose to block your contact on everything, throwing away the almost decade old bond you have with her — leaving you on the brink of despair.

you were really so fucking close to ending it all.. no, you were going to do it. you wrote a letter and all.

yet, somehow, amidst the darkness, you found a glimmer of hope, a reason to hold on. despite the unbearable thoughts, you gave yourself a chance to seek happiness, and for that, you're grateful.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

it's been a week since; each day since her betrayal feels like a relentless onslaught. you would say you've been miserable, but words like 'misery' pale in comparison to the heartache she's given you.

everyday you resist the urge to rip and tear the polaroid photos of the both of you off of your walls.

what went wrong? she was your everything. she meant the world to you.

that was your last straw, and you were really starting to consider what you wanted to do a week prior.

but just then, you felt your phone vibrate in your hands, with that familiar ping sound that reminded you of when she'd always talk to you. it made you shiver in unease — everything reminded you of her.

ding! 2 unread notifications!

“another one?”

you frustratedly turn on your phone to find 2 unread messages from an unknown number. he went by the display name of kai… you thought it was painfully familiar and off-putting, but you decide to dig deeper.

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Kai : hey, i'm sorry if this is a bother</3

Kai : but are you yewon's friend?

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you probably left him on read for 5 minutes straight, because you gazed speechless at your phone screen, at that notorious name — yewon — for 5 minutes straight.

“who the fuck is this dude? this is so fucking creepy.” you muttered to yourself before your thumbs started glazing over the screen in hesitancy.

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Kai : hey, i'm sorry if this is a bother</3

Kai : but are you yewon's friend?

you : who r u??? and what do YOU know about her??

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maybe you came off as rude, but how can you not, when some random ass uncanny guy is asking you about your personal problems?

ding! 1 unread notification!

another one, and as you read the text, your gaze softens.

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Kai : i'm fr sorry i struck a nerve,, but i'm yewon's ex, well because i js broke up w her:/

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ex? you wondered. "didn't she love him so much she left me?" you scoffed, pettiness lacing every word.

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you : i thought y'all were doing good? n also why are you texting me about this

Kai : basically i got a bit nosy when she left her laptop open when she was showering and then i came across her texts w another guy which were obviously romantic

Kai : then i decided to look further and found she blocked some1 which i assume it's u bc i got that number from there, and i felt really bad that she was so brutal to you esp when u seemed like u needed her most? it said u texted her smtg like "girl i really need to talk, im in a horrible place rn please talk to me im literally at my breaking point" and then she fired off on you.... like damn..

you : oh… okay,, yeah. and also i'm sorry she treated you like shit as well

Kai : i should be sorry as well, since it looks like i got in the way of your friendship, like i feel really fking guilty

you : it's fine, i know you didnt have bad intentions

Kai : i js wanna say since we both got hurt by the same woman, we both need someone that understands eachother and im just suggesting if we can be friends? if you're still grieving i wont bother you abt it,,

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you came to the realization that despite being cheated on, he remained respectful and considerate of your feelings, a realization that gently tugged at the corners of your lips, being the first smile of yours since the incident. in that moment, clarity washed over you, and you knew without a doubt that the both of you needed each other.

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you : okay.. sure:) my name is y/n.

Kai : i'm hueningkai, kai or hyuka or huening for short.

you : okay, hyuka it is

Kai : why? lolol

you : it's cuter than kai or hueningg :ppp

Kai : well, whatever you wanna call me then loll

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you looked back up at the polaroid photos of you and yewon on the wall. you're dedicated to rip them off. it isn't just you — she's the problem, and over the 8 years of knowing her, only now you start to realize that she is an asshole. she has always been, and you were too gullible to realize.

you were never a believer of the concept that "everything happens for a reason", but from then on, you had a gut feeling that this “hyuka” guy came into your life for a reason. maybe he is that glimmer of hope, that reason to hold on.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

as it turns out, now that you're texting kai on a daily basis, you've discovered that you both share a deep passion for astronomy. dreaming of the day you can finally explore space or simply just gazing at the stars at night, you both find yourselves bonding over this pretty form of study.

even better? you both end up attending the same college. school life never really comes up in your conversations, so it comes as a delightful surprise when you accidentally bump into a tall, really, really pretty boy whom you immediately recognize from the greek god looking face and voice you've been texting and calling every day — hueningkai.

“aah, sorry!" you mutter, hastily retrieving your bag from the floor.

"naaahh! don't worry about it—"

you recognize that energetic honey voice all too well.

"hyuka?" you look up to him as you slowly retreat to your feet, hoping you didn't mistake him for someone else.

"y/n?" he exclaims with a smile, his eyes scanning your features with fascination and disbelief.

“it's really you!!” you gasp as your hand hovers over your mouth. quickly adjusting your bag onto your shoulder, you take a step back to fully look at him in real life for the very first time, and not just through video calls.

“woaaaaah, holy shit… you're so pretty in real life.” kai mutters in fascination, almost like a whisper. he's scanning you up and down as his smile softens into an amused one.

“says you??? you're fucking ethereal…” your gaze fixates to every feature on his face — you're looking at him as if he's like an angel.

“t-thank you,” he mumbles, flustered.

“mhm...” you smile and nod, slightly giggling at that.

“you know… since we have a bit of time before lectures start, wanna grab a bite with me?” kai suggests, his voice tinged with uncertainty.

“of course.” you immediately reassure him.

kai's lips widened into a delighted smile. you hold onto his wrist as the both of you stroll out the hallway.

it's been a long time since you experienced this kind of joy — because hyuka is such a ray of sunshine, being around him makes anyone's heart flutter.

as you and kai make your way to the campus cafe, the air is filled with a comfortable silence, disrupted by the occasional shared smiles and sneaky glances to eachother. stepping foot into the cafe, the both of you gasp in awe — the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and egg tarts being the second thing on your mind after.. hueningkai.

the both of you find a cozy c shaped sofa at the corner of the cafe. you both settle in, the chatter of other students fading into the background as background noise as you and him talk about nonsense. the both of you chit chat over egg tarts and steaming cups of coffee. you find yourselves safe and sound within each other's company. sometimes, he rubs against you — which makes you feel a bit hot in your cheeks. maybe it wasn't intentional, but oh god, did you feel like you needed him.

finishing up the tarts, the both of you return to campus satisfied and without a word, before exchanging waves as you both walk to your designated lecture rooms.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

during lectures, all you can think of is kai. his presence has a way of making you feel safe and it almost hurt to not be around him. you could've stayed at home crying over yewon, but when you meet someone that encountered the same problem as you, it's as if time stands still when you're with them, and all your worries fade away. kai is your someone. he eases the churning in your stomach with his energetic personality, and when he's all timid and flustered you can't help but giggle. his laugh is contagious. he's like a happy virus, or a beam of light that follows you like a shadow. and ever since the day he contacted you, you stopped relapsing — your thoughts have calmed down and it's like he saved you. no, he certainly did.

not to mention, that dazed intensity in his eyes, the pretty curve of his hooked nose, his fluffy, cloud like brown hair that seems to invite you to run your fingers through them, his sun-kissed skin that speaks of lazy days spent under the golden rays, and those perfect, pillow lips that are basically begging you to absolutely ruin them. shit, you're really falling in love.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

you wake up the next day to a series of messages from kai.

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hyuka💓 : girl, just because it's our day off doesn't mean you get to wake up at 2pm……

hyuka💓 : IT'S BEEN AN HOUR SINCE I SENT THAT I DIDN'T MEAN IT BY ACTUALLY WAKE UP AT 2PM OMGGG

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you sigh at your phone screen, so bright in your bare eyes. he knows you have an atrocious sleeping schedule.

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you : it's not my fault this week is the only week since centuries ago that we have a holiday, no shit ill sleep in😭

you : what did you need tho??

‎‎‎‎‎hyuka💓 : i needs you at my place rnnnnnnnn im so bored and honestly i just wanna talk to you, yk? you know since you never really got 2 cry to someone about ykkk

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you realized what he meant — it was evident he was trying to be considerate, not bringing up memories of… her. yet, despite his efforts, a wave of unease washed over you, screaming at you that you hadn't completely moved on. as you stared at the crumpled polaroid photos that once adorned your wall now barely stuffed in your dustbin, you really did need to let it out. you knew can't just ignore it and push it under the rug, no, not with the voices ringing in your head, telling you everyday to fucking kill yourself, you can't. you weren't over it yet — instead, you just forgot about it when you were with kai.

gazing over the text again, he really does care about you. you start to feel a bit better at that.

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you : thank you hyuka <3 i'll come over asap ok??? js need to find the address u gave me previously lol

hyuka💓 : of course!! i also need some entertainment and company, so i really do wanna hear you talkkkk

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turning off your phone, you lazily head to the bathroom to clean up. you spent a rushed 5 minutes trying to find a decent casual outfit while smothering vaseline all over your lips. you didn't want to appear at his doorway looking like a slug, especially because you just woke up.

grabbing your keys and necessities, remembering that he has an obsession with plushies, you grab your favourite one and rush out the apartment.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

you walk to his apartment as it wasn't far from yours. the thought of just chit-chatting to him in his room clouds your mind. your heartbeat races as you hope you don't look too unpresentable. despite your nervousness — you clutch the small plushie hanging on your bag handle, and it provides a sense of comfort, reminding you of him in a better light. you navigate the familiar streets, the cool morning air brushing against your skin.

arriving at his doorstep, you take a deep breath before pressing the doorbell. your heart pounds in your chest as you wait.. you have no idea why you're so nervous, maybe it's just because when he's on your mind, you feel a bit giddy inside.

when the door finally opens, you're immediately greeted by his warm smile, instantly easing your tension.

"hey girllll," he says, his tired eyes still glistening with excitement. "c’mon in!"

you follow him inside, the plushie held tightly in your grip. his apartment is moderately tidy for a college student — maybe a few pieces of clothing lying around, but you can't deny that your room is 5 times worse than that. you settle into the cozy atmosphere of his apartment, the tension slowly melts away. as you walk up the stairs to his room, he offers you a hand, probably for stability. you really hope he doesn't realize your cheeks are becoming beet red as you take his hand in yours and walk up the stairs together.

finally — you reach his room, and the both of you sigh as you settle in. first thing you notice? — his bed. you're greeted with the familiar collection of plushies at the corner of his bed that always show up in frame whenever he's on call with you. you gaze at his collection in awe as your lips slightly part in amusement, because it seemed as if he treated his plushies better than anything else in the house — they're stacked on top of each other with care, penguins that are arranged from big penguins to small ones, and the cherry on top? they're colour coded.

you plonk on his bed as if it was yours — but you make sure to not disturb his plushies, and he giggles.

“you really that tired?” he looks at you, palms on his waist.

“yeah,” you sigh. “but i can't decline talking to you, can i?” you say with a sarcastic smile.

kai giggles cockily. “toooo baddd~ you're stuck with me now.”

you grin at his silliness as you put down your bag and unhook your plushie to show it to him.

“look at what i got~” you coo.

his eyes brighten and his hand goes flying to cover his mouth and he gasps in amusement. he walks over to your direction and you scoot over to give him some space before he sits onto the spot on the bed beside you.

“oh. my. goshhh!!” he almost snatches it from you as he turns it in different angles to look at it under different lightings.

at that moment, you look at him like he's a toddler. he's sure acting like one, but you find it cute how he's so facinated about things like this, and at last, you feel a bit warm inside — a feeling of safety and comfort that locks within you when you're around him like this.

“give it backkkk!” you whine as he turns away from you, fixating on that poor penguin.

“mini peng peng will sit here beside the big peng pengs until you go home!” kai ignores you as he sits it beside his penguin plushie collection on his bed.

you sigh in defeat and he smiles at you.

“damn, you're lucky you're cute as hell.” you mumble.

“okay, okay. did you forget why you were here?” kai settles down.

for a moment — you look at him with confusion.

“you know… i mean, if you want to. i really don't mind if the mood darkens, i just want to console you. you didn't have anyone, right?” his tone deepens in pity.

…

“oh…” you answer, the bad memories flooding your brain once again.

“no, no, if you want to of course— i don't want to force you, please don't be sad—” he frantically tries to calm you down and immediately regrets asking.

“no, kai, it's okay. i feel that it's better if i don't bottle it up.” you say, avoiding his gaze.

kai nods at you with expectancy, he waits for you to talk.

“but..” you look up at him.

“but??” he responds, almost within light seconds.

“are you sure you want to sit here and be burdened?” you say, your head low as you look away again.

“y/n…”

“what, kai?”

he leans in to softly hug you, he doesn't fully hug you until he gets a signal of consent from you. when you timidly retrieve the hug, he squeezes you and pulls you in, chest to chest with you. he slightly shivers at the feeling of your chest so heavy against his. his chin is on the crown of your head as you quiver slightly beneath him.

“don't say that. you're not a burden..”

you don't respond, instead, your eyes slightly water.

“why do you think i wanted to talk to you?” he asks, with a warm, almost parental-like comforting tone.

you shake your head in response, shoving your face further into the soft wool of his sweater.

“ever since i saw the messages on yewon's screen, i didn't feel bad for anyone but you.” kai sighs.

you manage to mutter. “but, you got cheated on, aren't you sad?”

“no. honestly? i loved her very much. but it was so painfully obvious she used me for my money, so i was planning to break up with her anyway. when i found out she cheated on me, i just thought it was a win-win situation. she seemed happy to leave me anyway. i was only with her for two weeks, you know? and in that time, i never felt the same bond with her, or anyone else, that i feel with you after just a week and a half.” kai reassured you. every word he claimed, it calmed you more and more in your bones. honestly, you were so close to asking “what are we?” but you couldn't word anything but burst into tears under him.

your sobbing muffled in his sweater. you hope you didn't get any spit on his sweater.

“shh, shhh. it's gonna be okay.” he spoke to you, his chin rubbing the top of your head as he pats you on the back, almost like a father figure. there was no other word but “safe” you could use to describe how you felt as that happened.

that, followed by 5 minutes of comfortable silence in your hyuka's arms as you slowly calm down.

“wanna tell me what's up?” he broke the silence, his voice laced with care as he stroked your head with one hand, other still on your back.

“mmm..” you push away from him, finally looking up to his face for the first time since he hugged you.

your eyes are red, lips glossy and slightly parted, nose and cheeks swollen as you manage a pathetic smile. kai looks down at you dumbfounded, he giggles at the sight of you like this.

“damn girl, you look…. awful?” he remarks jokingly. he restrains another laugh as he wipes your tears.

“i do not need to know, hyuka..” you respond, smiling back at him as you wipe his hand away in efforts of wiping the rest of your tears.

the both of you end up lying on the bed, facing each other.

you've never been this close to him before — especially lying on his bed beside him as you go on and on to an understanding hueningkai who nods at every word you say.

“i got diagnosed with an eating disorder.” you softly say, and kai nods.

“i got hospitalized, i made starving myself a priority. hell, i still have tendencies of counting calories. i promised i'd stop. i knew it was bad..” you sigh.

kai winces slightly at your hospital comment.

“had nobody to stop me, -nd i couldn't stop myself,, and then.. and then,” your voice trembled with uncertaincy.

“—the scissors on my table was looking at me, screaming at me to use them on myself, and i—”

“what?” kai cut you off.

“um..”

“please don't tell me you…” kai gestured with a circular motion with his hands, indicating what he wanted to say.

“i'm sorry,,” you sigh, disappointed.

“...oh.” he looked away from you.

“fuck, don't tell me you hate me now? i'm so sorry, I won't do it again, i promise i really—”

“y/n..”

“yeah?” you said, ending with a sigh.

kai takes in a huge breath — “i don't hate you. i'm not disappointed either. i don't encourage you to do it, but i—i’m sorry, it just took me off guard. i'm not saying i want you to—but—it’s your choice, so i'm not disappointed in you, but i'm sure you're aware it's bad for you. just please tell me you won't continue. and mean it. even if you can't right now, i'll be with you until it comes true.” kai sighs, rolling onto his back as his chest rises up and down after holding in a breath he didn't know he held.

“k-kai, i'm.. i promise i won't. maybe i'll break the promise, but…” you pause.

kai looks back at you.

“i'll try my best, for you okay?”

kai shakes his head.

“no, not for me,” he closes his eyes, “for you. for the sake of YOUR well-being. it's not for the sake of making me proud, even though i very well will be proud of you for being clean, but i care most about your health. i want you to stop, for you.”

“i—i..” your voice staggers, somehow restraining what you want to say.

you've always told him “i love you”, many many times. often, it comes off as platonic, but why do you feel tingly — why does your heart flutter as you try to cough out those three words? i, love, and you. it's just three words. why don't you just—

“i love you,” you sigh, breathy in his ear. “h-hyuka.”

“i love you too, y/n.” he responds. it clearly came off as platonic for him, so you don't say anything else to ruin it.

“y-yeah.. thanks. for a lot,” you sniffle again. “thanks for listening to me.”

“it's nothing. it really isn't. i'd much much muuuch rather listen to you talk about your problems than talk to a trash can.” he jokingly references the texts of your ex best-friend, and because it's been quite a while, the both of you giggle at that with no hard feelings.

“um, y/n?” he says, out of the blue.

“yeah?”

“do you mind if i see the scars?”

your heart stops for a second.

“uh, um..”

“i don't want to force you. please don't show it if you don't want to.” he retreats.

“no, i trust you.” you reassure him.

trust is a heavy word. it's certainly weighty — how can you apply this word on a guy you only met for barely two weeks? but he certainly has done nothing but make you feel safe. he's not love bombing you either — as everything between you guys have been kept platonic for every day you've known each other. so, you know that you trust him.

he nods and sighs, prepared for the sight that is awaiting him.

as you sit up, he follows suit, his gaze following your every action. but you hesitate to roll up your pants.

"you really don't have to.." he breathes out, his tone heavy with empathy.

your head dips slightly; awfully disappointed in yourself.

"no, i'm sorry. maybe not now... maybe a bit later when it's less obscene looking.."

"okay, of course." he reassures you gently. he pats your back, each stroke tinged with understanding.

the tension between you both in the room grows hot despite the depressing topic. the way he made you feel so secure kind of had your core honestly ache for him... you know hyuka noticed by the way you constantly crossed your arms to cover your pants, but despite his face growing noticably hot — he didn't mention it.

the rest of the day spent at his, you both did talk about less depressing things — and more about your shared hobbies with him, much about plushies and music and astronomy just to clear the air for a bit.

as he sends you home, the sun sets a beautiful pink and you feel so much better, so much weight off of your shoulders. you can't stop thinking about him. your thoughts about him have became... slightly lewd. maybe it's just the times where he doesn't think you notice him sneakily glancing at your chest once in a while. you think it's cute.

but... he manages to make you feel comfortable and he knows how to keep it in his pants. which, you can't stop thinking about.

you really can't stop thinking about him.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚

a few days passed by, and as classes had ended — you had a week of free time to complete your assignments. you wanted to go back to your apartment to complete them.

as you make your way towards the train station, a familiar voice echoes in the distance. who else can it be, but your best friend, hueningkai, calling out to you? you turn your head to see him running towards you, a bright smile on his face.

"y/nnn!" kai's voice rings out, filled with excitement as he closes the distance between you.

you stop in your tracks as you take out one side of your earphones. a smile sneaks up on your face as you look at him, waiting for him and his long legs to catch up. when he finally reaches you, he's slightly out of breath but still, beaming.

"hyuka!! what're you here for?" you ask, unplugging your earphones and stuffing them into your pocket.

“haah… haa… i made a last minute choice to go back home, and since you're here now, i'd prefer riding the train with you.” he says, panting.

“honestly, since you're here already, you can stay at my place for a night if you want.” you suggest, since he'd let you over that day.

“mmm… i’ve got no clothes to change..”

“silly, just borrow mine. my clothes are awfully baggy, and you know it.” you giggle.

“you're so right, i'm coming! hehehe~” kai drags you by your arm like an excited toddler despite being almost a foot taller than you. he drags you to the next stop after buying tickets, and the both of you board on the train together.

as the train rattled along the tracks, you and kai sat at the seats nearest to the end of the train.

"how's everything going with your classes?" kai asked, leaning back against his seat.

you shrugged, a tireless look across your face. "been like shit honestly, ’ve been having loads and loads of assignments, but at least they're due not that soon, so i'll probably be okay.” you sigh as you scramble in your pocket for your earphones.

"damn," he replied, sighing. "i've been swamped with practice lately."

you nodded in understanding, knowing how much he practices for piano. “too bad, but you already can play the piano so well, so it's weird seeing you practice every second of the day when you're not studying."

kai whines at your comment. “i have 495 pieces i haven't mastered yet, you don't get ittt..”

you scoff in reply as you plug in your earphones into your phone.

you wipe the left side of the bud and hand it to him. “wanna share? i have aaaaaamazing music taste.” you smile.

“i don't believe you, but sure..” he takes your earphone bud and puts it in his ear. you follow suit with the right one.

“this is actually kinda good?” kai looks at you in amusement.

“are you saying you didn't expect me to have good music taste? you bastard!” you nudge him playfully, and he giggles hysterically.

a few minutes pass in silence as kai slowly dozes off onto your shoulder. his fluffy hair is against the crook of your neck. you sneakily take his hand in yours, and in surprise, he'd intertwined his fingers with yours and even gripped it tightly. you felt your cheeks grow hot, but you stayed there like that. the train shakes consistently as it moves, but when you have kai holding your hand, you feel more secure than ever.

the rest of the train ride passed in a blur, the hours slipping away as the both of you rested against each other. before you knew it, the train was pulling into your stop, and you gave kai a light tap to wake him up, gathered your belongings, unplugged your earphones, ready to head back to your apartment with him.

you reach your apartment door and unlock it, letting him in first. he trails behind you as you lead him to your room.

“you can just hang around in my room first, i'm gonna go to the toilet. i'll be right back!” you said as you walked out of your room. kai hummed in understanding and put his things at the corner of your room.

leaving him alone, kai's gaze wandered curiously, fixating on familiar objects with an uneasy feeling in his gut. he'd slowly settled onto your bed to check his phone until something else caught his eye — a piece of paper that looked like it was stuffed at the corner of your bed frame with much effort. kai knew he shouldn't butt in your business, but he couldn't help but reach for the ominous looking paper, torn and worn with dust and rips.

kai reached out, fingers trembling as they brushed against the surface of the letter. with a hesitant breath, he uncrumpled the paper, more of a letter as he continued to unravel the folds. his eyes quivered the more he read — each word a dagger to his heart as he realized what it was — that suicide letter you had written 2 weeks prior after that incident; a damned diary page torn out of it's book with your heaviest feelings written onto the sheet as poorly written words.

he doesn't remember you telling him about this before. he never had a doubt that you were faking that energy whenever you were with him. he could've never guessed you rip your eyes out everyday in the campus bathrooms because your intrusive thoughts keep telling you to jump. and he would've never thought you were ill if you didn't tell him.

“how can such sunshine like you be consumed by such darkness?” was the thought that rang in his mind the further his eyes made its way down the paper.

the words no longer made sense to him. they blurred before his eyes, tears stinging like alcohol as he struggled to read the next sentence.

“the fuck are you doing?” you stood at your doorway, beads of tears welling up at your eyes once you realized what he was reading.

kai's heart clenched with anguish as he looked up at you with eyes glossy with tears.

the both of you exchanged uncomfortable stares at each other as he held the paper in his hands tighter than ever before, his knuckles turning a whiteish hue.

“why d-didn't you say anything?” kai's lips quivered as he stared deadly into your eyes; eyelids failing to hold his tears from falling.

“put it down… please..” you softly begged as you reached for the paper, fat beads of tears rolling down your swollen cheeks.

but kai puts it behind him, and he stands up.

“p-please, please don't hate me, please i'm so awfully sorry, i re—”

“don't.” kai sighed.

and then, in the silence that followed — kai enveloped you in his embrace. as you returned the hug, the both of you shivered as tears uncontrollably fell from the both of your eyes. there were no words spoken between you guys — just timely sniffs and “i'm sorry” being whispered over and over again.

“y/n,” kai's lips quivered as he let go of you and wiped his eyes.

“yeah?” you reply, timidly.

kai cupped your face as he swooped your tears away. "you know? if you left this early, you wouldn't be able to see the stars like you always wanted to — instead, you'd be the star that i'd gaze at every night with tears in my eyes.”

you felt tears well up at your eyes again.

“i love you, y/n.”

“i love you …. too?”

“no, like… actually. i really fucking love you.” kai confessed lowly.

silence fills the air as he expectantly waits for a word. but, all that clouds your mind is... finally. he finally confessed.

“i'm sorry—” kai stumbled as he took his hand off of your face.

“no. can i?” you said as your eyes darted at his plump, swollen lips.

“can you.. what?” he asked.

placing a hand on his face, the air grows intimate between you guys. his eyes glisten at you, hoping you'd do what he thinks you would. before your lips meet with his, time seems to stop for a split second—

and then it happens. the soft collision of your tender lips against his, and the both of your eyes flutter close. the tension in the air begins to rise as your soft moan travels down his throat as a vibration and he can't help but grab your waist closer to his.

“mmm, fuck.. cherry lipbalm?” he mumbles into the kiss, and you nod. my god, his dirty talking is already so hot to you.

you let go of the kiss to catch a breath. there's a string of spit connecting the both of your lips as you let go.

clearly, the mood had become so much more lustful. you run your fingers through his fluffy hair for the first time. the both of your tears had dried in no time — now, the only thing the both of you need? each other.

you nudge his inner thighs with your knee, and as soon as you felt his erection hiding beneath his pants, you knew he wanted you as much as you did.

“oh my god,” you moaned. “that’s really hot.”

“do you wanna? perhaps it'll make you feel better, maybe relieve some tension..” kai asked.

“protection?” you suggested.

“mm,” kai went to reach out in his bag, and like a magician, a condom appeared in his hands.

“how do you have—”

“i bought a couple extra when i got some for my friend. now, it's just been there for a while.” he immediately explains.

“did you ever think you were gonna use them on someone?” you walk him to the bed, crumpling the letter and tossing it to the other side of your room.

“no,” kai grins. “but it came in handy huh?”

when kai is in this mood, it's as though he's a completely different person from the kai you've known since the day you met him. my god — his tone has never sounded this lustful, his voice going down an octave as he speaks.

“i'm going to make you feel so good,, make you forget about everything that happened. treat you like a princess. i’ll do all the work, okay? i feel like you definitely need it.” kai gently picked you up and onto the bed with your back against the mattress.

“mmm.. i trust you..” you nodded as your body shook with that pet name. he delicately tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

“are you sure you want this, y/n?” he stops in the middle of unbuckling his belt — making sure you fully consent to this. you nod desperately and he grins in response as the belt slides effortlessly off his waist.

he unbuttons his pants and immediately his hard-on looks like it's going to explode any time out of his boxers.

“wanna help me take it off?” he coos, as he kneels closer to you.

“yeah, hyuka.” you tug at his waistband playfully and pull it down. he's way bigger than you expected — his cock stiffly springs out of his boxers and hits his stomach with momentum. his veins travel from below the tip all the way to his stomach, and as he pumps his cock back — his fiery red tip is revealed, and as you admire it, you touch it and it's burning hot to the touch.

“holy shit.. how's that going to fit?” you scoff out in amusement as kai giggles at your unserious comment, a tinge of his usual bubbly self present in that giggle.

unwrapping the condom, he offers it to you to help him put it on.

instead, you sit up on your elbows so that his cock is in front of your lips — placing the condom on your lips, you hold his hips in place and bob your head forwards to roll it on with your lips.

he gasps as his breath catches in his throat — his eyes rolling back as he looks back at you. “my fucking god, y/n,” he sighs in pleasure. “that looked so hot, you know?”

you look up at him as your lips leave his cock with a pop sound, smile stretching across your face, proud at the praise he'd given you.

you lie back on your back as he adjusts the condom around the base of his shaft.

you unbuckle your pants hesitantly.

“but.. you won't be scared by the scars?” you quietly said, almost missed by him if he wasn't paying attention to you.

“i’ll never be scared or be mad at you. as long as you don't relapse, i'll be proud of those scars that proved you won a war. now, don't be scared, just lie there and i'll fuck you so good you won't have to worry anymore.” he reassures you as he patiently waits for you to undress.

“o-okay,,” you smile at him, shivering on the inside at the last few words, your desperation for him growing more and more. he delicately helps you bring your pants to your toes.

taking them off, he runs a finger across your jagged thighs.

“they're so pretty, you know? you, your thighs, those prettily healed scars, everything is perfect. i'm so proud of you.” he smiles in satisfaction as he watches you spread your thighs open for him. he places a kiss in your inner thigh, and taps his tip against your clothed folds.

“for the last time; are you sure, princess?”

“yes, yes hyuka! i want you!” your voice desperate in reply, he slips your panties aside, letting the cold air hit your sensitive clit.

kai teases your folds as he rubs his tip against them, going back and forth as the wet sounds combine with your desperate whines echo throughout the room — sounding like music to his ears.

“so fucking wet already… such a pretty clit for me~” he softly coos as he runs a thumb across your squelching clit, and your hips slightly tug at that.

“mmmh, j-just want you in me already—aah fuck—”

he thrusts a finger up your naturally lubed pussy and stares at simply how glossy his finger looks.

“shit, you're really desperate, huh?” he grins as he puts that finger in his mouth, sucking it clean.

“taste so sweet, pretty.” he coos at you before nudging his tip around the rim of your entrance.

“shit, i'm gonna thrust now, ’kay?”

“mmm!!” you whine in response as you nod your head.

“f-fuck, haa…” he whines as you take him inch by inch.

“so fucking tight, ngh—” he moans when he feels his tip touch the back of your gummy walls. he's only a bit more than halfway in.

“a-ah, my g-god,,” you whine lewdly as your breath staggers.

“so.. so pretty like this.. i promise i'll do everything to make you happy again.” kai whispers as he holds your hand.

he starts to slowly pick up his pace as he pumps his shaft swiftly in and out of you as wet, sloppy slapping sounds echo with a rhythm. he's dedicated to making your hips meet with each thrust.

“fuckkk, feels so good, mmmfhh!!” you let go of his hand and bite on your knuckles as you restrict your noises, hoping your neighbors won't hear you.

“who cares if anyone hears us,” kai takes your fist off of your mouth, and locks his fingers with yours again. “fucking want you, wanna hear your pretty—ngh—voice tell me how good i make you feel~”

“s-shit, so good, so good..” you manage to mumble as scrabbled words leave your tongue.

“make you feel so good? feels good, huh?” kai uses his freehand to cup your face and stroke your cheek lovingly.

“mmmh!!” you whine out, his thrusts getting sloppy as he throws his head back.

“aah… my god, your walls are clenching on me, fucking drives me crazy,,” his trembling voice manages to go down a few keys, almost like growling.

“does it? show me how it makes you feel..” you reply, clenching on him harder as he winces.

he lets go of his hand in yours, and forces your palm onto his clothed chest — and yet, you can still distinctly feel how fast his heart is beating, and how he's shivering as he continues to thrust.

he interlocks his fingers with yours on his chest, securing it at the feeling of his pumping heart.

“this is how you make me feel, making me go insane, you know that? do that again and i might just bust already,” he moans out, his hips stuttering.

oh my god, he's hot. really fucking hot.

“do it, then. you have protection on.” you suggest, and immediately you feel his thrusting come to a stop as his eyes roll back and the rubber expands inside you.

“fuck, you really did?” you smirk up at him.

his heavy breathing is jagged as his lips tremble. holding the condom at the base of his shaft, with one final thrust he milks himself of his hot cum, he finally comes out of you — a slightly wet pop following as he leaves you inch by inch.

“that was,” you cut yourself off as you catch a breath. “so good..?” you sigh.

“i know right.” he replies as he takes off the condom delicately — some of his cum still around his entire cock. a string of his slick connecting his glossy tip to the base of the condom.

“damn, that's nasty..” you laugh, and he holds the condom with caution in reply to your words.

“you're right,” he sighs. “i'll clean this and throw it away.” the condom is sticky and sagging with his cum. he ties it up and disposes it in a plastic bag he'd always prepared.

“you're hard ….. again?” you notice, as you look down to his cock now glowing blushy red again, and standing up on its own.

“fuck, guess you gotta help me now..” kai looks at you with a cocky smirk, and you roll your eyes.

but how can you say no to that? because now, you're sat face in front of his hard-on again, this time ready to clean it up with your lips.

“this is my first time, so just tell me if it hurts.” you prepare him, and he nods.

you close your eyes and take him in. despite being the first time, hearing kai gasp as you lower your head on him, making your way down from his tip makes your confidence skyrocket. you hollow your cheeks and wrap your tongue around his cock — striking every nerve that sends blood rushing to his cock.

“sss-shit, aah—” he grits his teeth, and immediately you let go of his cock, in fear that you've hurt him by accidentally biting or scraping his shaft.

“did i hurt you, hyuka?” you ask, worriedly checking for any red spots on his shaft, but there wasn't anything.

“n-no, please don't stop, p-please, it felt so good,” kai whines out desperately as he starts to bottom out. he didn't sound close to anything dominant like the kai that was topping you a few minutes ago.

“mmm, okay.” you breathe out onto his tip, hot breath hitting his sensitive spot as he sighs.

as you bob your head down onto him again, swallowing him and enveloping his entire shaft down your throat, almost triggering your gag reflex. you coat his shaft with your saliva and your tongue hugs his tip carefully, flicking it up and down as you watch his hips jitter in response. he moans under you, staring at his cock disappear down your throat.

you slide up and down at a fixed pace and his voice staggers as you do.

“fuck, are you sure this is your f-first—mmh—” he doesn't manage to finish his sentence as he throws his head back at the feeling of his cockhead fitting perfectly at the base of your throat, and you had no idea how you had it in you to not choke on him.

“oh my god.. o-oh.. my fucking god,” kai cries out, his hips starting to stutter, hitting your upper pallette. “i’m gonna cum, fuck, fuck..”

he starts to thrust into your mouth by instinct, and you take him with all your last efforts, and then, you feel his cock twitch inside your mouth, followed by pumps of semen down your throat as you try swallowing every drop of it, despite feeling new and gooey and weird to you.

“haa…haah…” he moans, and you slowly lift your head off him.

“my god y/n. i can't believe this is your first time..” he breathily states.

“really?” you finally catch the breath that you felt like you'd been holding this whole time. when you look up at him for the first time since you sucked him off, his lips are all glossy, his eyes are swollen with tears and his cheeks hot with pleasure. you have never seen him more fucked out than this.

“my god, you're ruined!” you giggle as you lean forward to wipe his semi-dried tears.

“says you with your drool covered mouth..” he remarks, and you immediately wipe your lips.

“is that all you have to say after i just gave you the best blowjob ever?” you tease.

“noooo!!! it was so good, it literally sent me to the stars.” he giggled.

“one day, i'm bringing you to see the stars, for real.” you replied, and you could see his eyes glisten as it spread wide open in interest.

“no! i'm the one bringing you there! you deserve it more!” kai defended like a 5 year old kid, and you couldn't help but chuckle.

“as long as i'm with you, you don't have to worry about how i feel. you saved me, you know?” you sighed.

“what? so what does that letter mean?” he asked sternly.

“the reason why it was trashed in the corner of my bed is because it was written before i met you, dumbass. you made me change my mind.”

“o-oh,” he softly spoke. “really?”

“of course, hyuka. i'm never this happy around anyone. anyone, but you, obviously.”

kai placed a peck on your lips. “i fucking love you so damn much, i hope you know.”

“i know. i realized i loved you the day we ate at that cafe together. in class, all i could think about was you.”

“mmm, and i realized i loved you the day i bumped into you that day and saw you for the first time.” kai smiled.

“okay, okay. let's go get cleaned up, enough of this cheesiness.” you sat up, and he mirrors you, giggling like his usual self as he pulls his waistband up and trails behind you to the bathroom.

⋆.˚ ☁︎ .𖥔˚ ☾

"hey! easy there, don't pull too hard!" kai yelped as you raced towards the shore at nearly light speed, dragging him along by the wrists.

"we've gotta seize every chance to see this! we didn't travel all this way for nothing!" you shouted into the chilly midnight air, your voice echoing against the starry sky.

the night is silent and remote. as the both of you reach the seashore, you both halt to a stop at the shoreline — panting as the both of your heads look up to finally see real stars in the night sky, clusters of stellar bodies that glisten under the prettiest rays of light. the moon is also shining brighter than you've ever seen it.

“i think i'm going to cry,” you jokingly say as you sit down onto the sand. you bring him down with you, grip on his wrist still awfully tight.

“is this what heaven on earth feels like?” kai adds, and you laugh even more.

kai scoots over to sit closer to you as the both of you lean against each other, gazing at the stars like you're both hypnotized.

"i can't believe we're finally stargazing together for the first time," kai said softly.

"yeah," you replied, still lost in the starry spectacle, the world around you fading into a distant hum.

there's a comforting silence that follows, disturbed by the whooshing wind, or leaves waving and fluttering against each other and birds tweeting from afar.

“but..” kai broke the silence.

“hm?” you hummed as you took your eyes off of the sky to look at him.

“if you've always wanted to go watch the stars, why didn't you decide to go yourself? why would you wait for me?” kai asked, his voice breathy and cold.

your head laid onto the comfort of the crook of his neck. “because, despite all these stars, you still shine the brightest. i wouldn't enjoy this as much as i am now if i wasn’t sitting here with you. you're my one and only starlight.”

“your starlight?” he hesitantly said, his voice barely over a whisper..

a genuine smile stretches across your face, finally finding solace with the person who has been the light in your life since the day you met him, the hyuka who saved you.

“yes, my starlight.”

[torahtot]

you can always tell when someone doesn't have maga men in their life and god it makes me angry.. "if you're nice and compassionate you can be the one woman that makes them realize women aren't mean!" my mom bent over backwards for my dad for 25 fucking years he has plenty of other women kissing his ass and it never changed anything. do you really think that before being radicalized they never knew a single kind woman? they were never friends with a nice girl? alt-right men's problem with women isn't just that they've experienced too many mean women and they need to be shown that women can be nice, it's that they think women are inferior and don't deserve rights and don't understand anything so you can do what you want with them. and it takes a lot more than being nice to show someone that you aren't inferior. this isn't a case of being nice even when it's hard for the sake of deradicalization, it's about spending every fucking interaction with someone trying to get them to see you as a human being with value and a functioning intellect while they just laugh and show you that's never going to happen.

i cannot stress this enough: random women are not just going out and Being Mean to men. ur average guy interacts with plenty of women throughout his life- close women amongst their friends and family, casual interactions etc. most people don't start out being shunned by women, they start out being treated as NORMAL. & when they show their disrespect in normal society, it isn't tolerated, but when they go to alt-right spaces (which they're pushed towards online) they're told they're allowed to be as horrible as they want with no consequences because they're entitled to everything. it isn't "women aren't welcoming and the alt-right is so friendly so i'll become alt-right," it's "women don't let me disrespect them and the alt-right tells me fuck them, do whatever you want, you're entitled to it all" and why would you choose the group where you have to be a normal accountable person when there's a group that will reward you for being a shithead who gives no fucks?

the alt-right can afford to be more friendly and welcoming because they can allow bigotry. this can't work the same way for progressive spaces because we can be as kind & welcoming as possible but at the end of the day we have lines where we have to say "this behavior/speech isn't allowed in this space," and for certain people, that just can't win against a space where you can be as nasty as you want. these posts always end with a disclaimer saying "of course being kind doesnt mean you need to tolerate their bigotries" but what they don't realize and what drives me crazy is that women not tolerating bigotry IS the "women are mean" that radicalized them in the first place. they perceive you pushing back on any bigotry or bullshit as you being a meanie and treating them like they're ontologically evil. the 'kindness' they need to be deradicalized is you letting them walk all over you.

idk what the answer is to deradicalizing them and im sure relationships are part of it but you can be as kind as you want and all it will do is destroy you ime. i cant stand to see people (who have never even successfully deradicalized any man by being nice btw they always speak in hypotheticals and not from experience) double down on telling women to do things that will see no results and only hurt them, especially when any woman who has tried can tell you exactly how it went

[skunkes]

[witchspeka]

I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive

Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support

Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted

So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too

He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.

And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him

Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart

Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best

Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level

Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)

Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions

Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?

Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist

But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again

Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are

This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down

And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up

I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean

He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety

Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[harukapologist]

Milgrammies! The ever dreaded (at least by me and Haruka-fan friends) birthday tl is in less than 48 hours, Haruka's birthday tl. So

Expand on what you predict may happen in the tags if you want, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I put mine in the tags of the original post but in short, I think he'll talk/be talked to by Mikoto :3c

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

I don't care when people don't include me in stuff, I'm used to it but-----

my own family going on a trip w/o even asking me kinda felt

shit 🫠

[just-spacetrash]

🌟

[penguin--person]

its crazyyy like. it really Does get better !! Wow !!! life is beautiful

[odetolovers]

i’m losing it

[hazardsoflove]

i’ve never played tlou2 but i am aware of the events and i am prepared to be one of the only abby defenders on this website when s2 comes out

[sunnykeysmash]

I'm glad I'm not alone in wanting Ryan to get Rob to get a tumblr to see the amount of people who would shit themselves cause I would find it personally hilarious to not only see the fandom wide freakout but also Rob's reaction to said fandom. Frankenstein shunning his monster and then chasing it after he murders his fiancé and then dying in the pursuit vibes.

It would be hilarious!! I'm not ashamed of my blog at all, hey, if Rob wants to see what I get up to when it comes to his weird little show, that's good with me. I think it would be hysterical if he read any of my posts, and doubly so if he made an account and people started asking him about macdennis 😭 Cmon.

And... have we all forgotten the times where he used to lurk twitter anyway? I mean, I'm pretty sure he knows what we do here, tumblr account or not... Uh, pic related.

[songtwo]

i think another important thing that makes my relationship so cool is that i always say I would've preferred to be a guy while my bf has said he would've liked to be a girl

[springcatalyst]

🖊 for any milo and/or reiji details they fascinate me ^-^

YES thank u they live in my brain

Let me go on a tangent before I even get to what this ask actually is cause why wouldn’t I- Milo and Reiji are interesting characters to compare to each other, because despite their entwined storylines, I don’t draw a lot of connections between them as they were designed.  Characters that never interact are fun to draw conclusions with because it’s more obscure out-of-universe things:  Julian and Milo are so different but they follow very similar paths and come from very similar places.  Milo and Brooke (actually they do interact but only like, once) both deal with the results of a corrupted worldview that once questioned, can’t be ignored once again.  Reiji and Diana share an inherently wary, bleak outlook on how the world functions as a result of their own experiences.  And characters that do interact but were designed that way are... designed that way.  Julian and Liliana are the same stuff poured into different molds, impossibly similar and impossibly different, and that drives everything about their relationship- they’re foils.  Diana and Julian start at the same place in the same situation, (for different reasons), and end up wildly different people in opposite directions- they are diverging paths evidenced by truth or lies. 

But Milo and Reiji aren’t connected by anything inherent or anything unchangeable.  Their meeting in the first place is mostly chance and a little bit of give and take of compassion.  They stick together because the alternative is being alone in a world that’s so much bigger than both of them, so much older, and just a little bit more broken.  Their relationship is a choice in a way that really isn’t the case for a lot of other characters. 

And I mean, they do have parallels, but they seem different somehow, because they actually apply in-universe.  They reflect off each other.  They both leave something behind that they wish they could get back: but while Reiji’s was taken from him by circumstance and chance, Milo’s was a culmination of something grown that eventually he had to choose to abandon, though if there was any other way, he would have taken it.  (He tried, before.  It didn’t work.) 

But now they’re both missing something, and with it, their place.  Reiji doesn’t know where he belongs and the truth is that he doesn’t belong anywhere.  He can’t return to the one place he did- (it wasn’t a place, but a people.  They’re long gone, even as they live) -and now he searches aimlessly for someplace he can return to.  He doesn’t find one.  Milo loses everything he’s ever known when he walks away, and even as he makes the decision to, it feels like the admission of some crime (it looks that way to them, and he knows it).  He longs for the community he lost, but even if he gets something close to it, it’s wrong, because it isn’t them, and because the reason he left still follows him. 

They’re both ghosts wandering a vast expanse of unknown.  There is exploration in it- Milo especially does genuinely love the places he passes through, the people he meets briefly, the idiosyncrasies of each town, city, village.  Reiji less so- he’s only ever known the wandering, so it isn’t as special to him.  He’s always looking for something that will change, but even so, traveling with Milo forces him to see things he wouldn’t otherwise. 

The difference between them is that Milo stops being a ghost.  As time goes on, less and less is searching and more and more is exploring.  More is fixed than is broken.  But the opposite is true for Reiji.  As he finds nothing it feels more and more like he is one of very, very few.  That he has found no place to exist because there is no place for him, for those like him.  Reiji is looking for answers in an environment that buried most of them, in a world that hunts the rest.  And it becomes this obsession- a thousand whys. 

Why didn’t his flock look for him?  Why did he even survive?  Why is he hunted?  Why did it start and why won’t it change?  Why is the world sitting on the ashes of an older one?  Why are people broken by something they don’t remember?  Why does every place he goes scream that there used to be more?  Why are his people a part of it?  Why are they here?  Why do they occupy a world that is so clearly not made for them?  Why does he not know where they are made for? 

Reiji asks a thousand whys and they can all be summarized by one what: What happened?

Milo and Reiji cross incomprehensible distances and in the time that takes, a lot changes.  Milo goes from being a ghost of who he was and who he should be to being alive in a way he wasn’t before, genuine in a way he didn’t allow.  Milo looks for an answer in a different way than Reiji, because he is looking for certainty.  He wants someone to tell him, with no room for error, what is true and what is corrupt.  He wants surety and permanence in a way that just doesn’t exist, and so instead must choose which side he’s on- he must decide what to believe, because nobody can tell him black and white.  With that choice becomes an acknowledgement that the world isn’t as simple as good and evil, and the two can very much coexist, that perfect and unredeemable don’t really exist, not here, anyway.  He’s allowed to just be.  Reiji, though, doesn’t get the opportunity to make that choice, to take that answer.  He isn’t looking for the answer to a moral question or a cosmic should.  He is looking for a reason, which is an order of magnitude more impossible to find.  He looks to the past for why and the nature of time is that he keeps getting further and further from it.  He finds very little, which only makes him look harder, which makes it worse when he finds even less.  He starts down an impossible spiral that he can’t get out of until he finds what he wants, but what he wants just doesn’t exist in the way he needs. 

[wabblebees]

assigning me homework is cruel and unusual, actually

[hobimo]

would u guys still like me even if i namedropped the absurdly popular author i fucking HATE . and even better would u keep it just between us so we're besties so that eventually when i finish dragon fic and its the banger fic i want it to be. it might just get recc'd enough that [BTS AUTHOR] reads it. and i hope it makes them realise how awful and damaging their writing is