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teddy06writes · 4 years ago

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could we have more sapnap x karl x quackity x reader maybe about how reader joins, or how the relationship is revealed, or angst, also is there a reason that anon asks are turned off? i mean it might just be me also cause i cant switch to anon, ik that hairbrush anon loves this blog and wants to request but they cant cause anon is turned off, (i know hairbrush anon irl so thats how ik this for some background context) sorry if this is rude

anon: “ Your karlnapity fanfics are sooooo good. I was wondering if you could make another one, it could be about literally anything and I’ll read it. Keep up the great work! “

sapnap x karl x quackity x reader

trigger warnings: swearing, mentions of panic attacks

premise: how you joined the Karlnapity poly cue

{also the anon thing was fixed once I got this ask}

“belp” talking

‘blep’ texting

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You didn’t meet them intentionally, far from, actually, you had only met Alex, the first of the boys you’d met, by pure chance.

Well, pure chance, and an asshole who didn’t look where he was going outside A hall.

You had just emerged from your first class of the year, a debate class, with maybe 50 students total, and were immediately slammed into by some jerk who didn’t even stop at first.

You had fallen into someone, who after making sure you were stood up right began to cuss the guy out in Spanish.

“You got something to say to me, dick?” The guy had asked as he turned around.

“Yeah bitch! Why the hell did you push them?”

If you thought this dudes 5′ 9′’ ass wasn’t gonna square up to a huge football player you’d’ve been wrong.

“They were the one who didn’t fucking move, so don’t fucking start with me!”

“Bro you literally slammed into them! You could’ve fucking moved man!” He shoved the guys shoulder, “You didn’t have to take the asshole route, yet we’re still here.”

“Listen Dick, I don’t give a shit, they were in the fucking way.”

“Man your really looking for a fucking fight are you?” He shrugged off his back pack and let it drop to the ground.

The guys laughed, pushing up his sleeves, “I could take your scrawny ass any day, chicca.”

Before he had a chance to blink a fist had been launched toward his face, catching him right in the jaw.

He stumbled back, looking almost as surprised as the guy you’d tripped into, who was looking down at his own fist, clearly in pain.

“Oh you little bitch!” The jock growled, moving to punch him back.

Quickly you scooped up his bag, shoving it into his arms, “We gotta go!!” You shoved the guy, grabbing your saviors hand and tugging him along as you started to run.

As you dodged around campus, trying to lose the yell of the jock behind you the guy who you’d dragged with, offered, “I’m Alex.”

“(y/n),” You slowed to a stop, “I think we lost him.”

Alex nodded, wincing as he examined his knuckles.

You took his hand, checking over it carefully, “It’ll bruise hard, you might not have full dexterity for a while. That’s what you get for punching someone without preparing,” You chuckled, glancing around, “My dorm’s not more than five minutes away, if you don’t have another class to get too, we can go get you some ice.”

“That’d be good.” He winced.

After taking him back to your dorm and getting his hand iced, he disappeared, saying he was late to meet someone, and you rarely saw him again except for your debate class, where you hardly spoke.

~~ You’d met Nick not too long after, though this time, pure chance was more purely your friend George catching you sneaking out of a party you didn’t want to be at.

“Seriously (y/n)? It’s barley even been an hour!” The brit yelled.

“It’s way too loud in there,” You hissed, motioning to the frat house, “I can’t hardly think, let alone stand it.”

“George! Get back in here! Clay challenged someone to a drinking contest and it about to start!” Someone yelled from the house.

“Yeah, in a second Sapnap!” He called before turning back to you, “Stay a little while longer?”

“I don’t want to be here.” You growled, but he was already dragging you back towards the house, saying:

“Come on, it’ll be entertaining if he wins and if not, well, it’ll still be pretty funny.”

Sighing, you allowed yourself to be pulled back inside, following George through to where Clay stood across a counter from a curly dark haired man, and Niki, a woman you’d met a few weeks prior, quietly pouring shots.

“Now the only reason I’m letting you do this Wil, is cause I know you won’t be able to do more than three.” She muttered, sliding the shots between them.

George laughed, “This is gonna be great!”

You sighed, moving to stand back against one of the walls, next to a dirty blonde man, who said, “You don’t look to happy to be here.”

“Not a fan of the noise.” You muttered, rubbing at your forehead.

He nodded, “Makes sense, one of my boyfriends doesn’t like the noise either. I’m Nick.”

“Didn’t George just call you Sapnap? What is with people around here and having weird nicknames?” You shook your head with another sigh, “I’m (y/n).”

“I dunno. Half the people I know at this school have weird nicknames,” He began to point at various people around the room, “Dream, Fundy, Skeppy, Hbomb, Quackity’s around here somewhere. Hell I even know someone who calls himself ‘Technoblade’.”

“Sounds like a prick.” You chuckled.

Nick nodded, “Oh he is.”

You continued to talk for a while, watching as Wilbur tried to out drink Clay, and failing miserably not to laugh when he nearly fell down, totally wasted.

“Hey, uh I think we should head out. I feel bad leaving Kar...” Alex trailed off as he realized you were standing with Nick, “Hey, your uh, (y/n) right?”

“Yeah, Alex, you almost busted your knuckles trying to fight McAllen outside debate with Fenner.” You chuckled.

Nick turned to Alex, “You what?!”

“uhh...” he stuttered nervously.

“You told Karl you fell!”

“In my defense he pushed- no not even- he slammed into (y/n)!” Alex said desperately.

“He did, Alex was just defending me,” Alex grinned at your addition, “But...” his face fell, “This one also is essentially just an angry chihuahua.”

“Dude!”

Nick chuckled, “Their right. You are an angry chihuahua.”

Alex rolled his eyes, glancing at his phone, “We should go, Karl’s texting me angry emojis.”

Nick nodded, “It was nice to meet you (y/n).”

“You too.” You smiled, and then they were gone again.

You didn’t meet Karl for almost a month after that, only encountering the man in the colorful sweater when you had been left sitting alone in the dining hall, after a late night study session.

Niki had left a few minutes earlier, but it was long enough that he’d assumed you’d been sitting alone.

“Oh hey, sorry I’m late!” He had called, just a hair too loud.

You blinked up at the mousy haired boy, confused for a moment, before motioning for him to sit down, “It’s okay.”

The few people still left in the hall barley paid attention, so you stifled a laugh, “I wasn’t waiting for someone, my friend just left actually.”

His face got red, “Oh, I- sorry- I’ll just leave then.”

He started to stand up but you held out a hand, “No- uh- you, can stay. I don’t mind.”

He grinned, “I’m Karl! Karl Jacobs!”

“I’m (y/n). Thank you for trying to save me from mild embarrassment.”

“It was nothin, just don’t think people should have to be alone.”

You giggled, “Knight in shining armor.”

That made Karl grin even more, giggling a bit as he asked, “Whatcha working on?”

“Oh, Niki and I were just studying for finals, it may be a few weeks away but I want to be ready.” You chuckled.

“Man, I’m glad I’m only taking one class this semester.”

“Lucky.” You sighed, tucking the last of your papers into folders and stowing them away in your bag, “No late night cram sessions for you then.”

“Nah, my boyfriends’ll rope me into helping them study.”

“Thats the price you pay.” You chuckled.

He nodded solemnly, “A price I am very willing to pay.”

“They sound like lucky guys.” You smiled wistfully, quietly wondering why all the cute guys you’d been meeting were dating, either other people, or each other.

Karl not noticing the almost bitterness in your voice chirped, “Yup!”

“Come on! They’d love you!” Karl exclaimed.

You’d been becoming friends with Karl over the last few months, and now he was begging you to go and meet his partners.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah!” Karl was practically bouncing up and down, “Your like the best! I want my boys to meet you!”

You groaned, letting your head fall into your hands, “Fine.”

“Yay!” Karl giggled, tugging at your wrist, “Come on!”

You looked up from the table at him. “Right now?”

“Yeah, I was suppose to be meeting them at the library.”

Sighing you stood up, “I hate this.”

He smiled sympathetically, “Sorry.”

You slipped your bag over your shoulder, and followed him out of the dining hall towards the library, trying to ignore the stupid feeling in your stomach at his hand in yours.

Upon reaching the library Karl excitedly dragged you over to a table in the corner where your stomach dropped upon seeing who was sitting there.

“(y/n)?” Alex asked.

You chuckled, “Snapmap and Chihuahua boy, I didn’t realize this Karl was your Karl.”

Karl looked confused, looking back and forth between you and his boyfriends, “You guys know each other?”

“That one talked to me at a party when my friends all but ditched me,” You pointed at Nick, and then too Alex, “That one tried to fight someone who bumped into me.”

“Thats- you know what, I’m not gonna ask.” Karl said, plopping down next to Alex.

You sat down on the opposite side of the table next to Nick, “Karl you text in angry emojis?”

Over the next few weeks Karl continued to drag you along to various study sessions, movie nights and other things you assumed would normally just be the three of them, making you confused heart even more confused.

It was strange that they willingly let you intrude on there dates, and any time you tried to bring it up with Karl he’d just brush it off, and if you mentioned it to Nick or Alex, they’d say something about how they were good with it cause Karl was.

And then one night, you were all piled up on the fire escape of the boys apartment building, Alex had just gotten back from a seminar, and was half curled on Nick’s lap, legs stretch across Karl, who was also leaning against Nick.

You quietly hummed a song you heard Wilbur playing, freezing as Karl tugged on your hand, pulling you closer to lean on him, Nick’s arm stretching just a bit farther to wrap around your waist as well, almost cementing you into the moment.

“I like this.” Karl murmured.

Alex nodded sleepily, and Nick looked at your over Karl’s head, “(y/n), uh- I guess we’ve been meaning to- uh- to ask-”

“He means, do- do you want to join this relationship?” Alex asked, cutting him off.

You blinked, surprised, and Karl quickly started talking in your silence, “You don’t have too, we just figured, you know, we, really like, you and- it- we think you like us-”

Cutting him off, you grabbed the sides of his face, quickly pressing your lips to his, and then pulling away, you leaned over to kiss Nick, and then Alex.

“I knew there was a reason you kept letting me in on your dates!”

#mcyt x reader #mcyt imagines #sapnap x reader #karl jacobs x reader #quackity x reader #sapnap x karl x quackity x reader #karlnapity #karlnapity x reader #teddy06 writes

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crows-murder · 4 years ago

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Twinyards

it’s 2am and i hate myself and im literally dead on my feet but i cant fucking sleep so here i am instead

as far as most sibling relationships go, the twins have a....unique bond

they hate each other

but they don’t

it took nicky some time to understand that yes, the twins did care for him and each other

in their own way

at first glance, no one would see it-- not even nicky. through longer exposure, it would be hard to discern, but nicky did, somehow

he really first noticed after Andrew had almost killed the four guys attacking nicky

after that, nicky started picking up the small things

when aaron went to the local starbucks on days they woke up early but didn’t want to make breakfast, he knew andrew and nicky’s orders by heart

when andrew convinced nicky to buy ice cream despite nicky protesting that they should be mindful of their money, andrew always got nicky’s favorite flavor as well

on rough days when nicky was just drowning in the stress of holding a job and paying for the bills, the twins would stay in their room, to let nicky pick himself back up, before ordering pizza and turning on the tv

they never talked about it. if someone brought it up, an argument very often followed up

the twins have a strange way of showing affection, but that’s because they never learned to show proper affection

aaron was always quick to get angry and andrew was indifferent to the point of aggravation and pure frustration

it was their ways of coping

andrew by not caring and aaron by being angry at anyone for no reason

their first meeting could have gone a lot worse, but they both in a subconscious way saw the other as a survivor of their circumstances

and andrew did care. so did aaron

aaron reached out to his brother, filled for the first time with the hope that someone out there cares about him. he hopes and hopes that it will work out.

it doesn’t. aaron’s heart just breaks and his hope is shredded when andrew tells him to fuck off.

andrew wanted a brother, too. he wanted to have at least one good thing, one thing that life wouldn’t fuck up for him

but andrew couldn’t even have that. he couldn’t let his brother, his twin, go through what he was going through. so he pushed him away, made sure he’d be safe from his life.

when andrew learns that despite trying to protect his brother, he had still failed, he was angry. he was so angry. he was protecting someone who was being hurt by his mother. by their mother. who’d been so hurt, he would get high just to forget the hurt

deep down, aaron always knew his mother never truly cared. deep down he understood why andrew killed her. but he refused to admit it. he refused to believe his mother deserved it.

the twins weren’t subtle, but they didn’t know how they felt towards each other. it was hard to describe, and not one word really could.

andrew was first fiercely stubborn and loyal to aaron, trying to protect him the way he’d never been able to protect himself, and it slowly shifted onto nicky

aaron did care about andrew. he reached out. he wanted a brother. he wanted a twin. but he wasn’t expecting andrew. and it muddled the feelings, and when Tilda died, it just became worse, because of course aaron was angry and sad, and andrew couldn’t understand. and aaron didn’t understand how andrew could feel so little sympathy for their mother. andrew didn’t see how aaron could mourn the person who’d ruined him. who’d ruined them both, really.

nicky did try his best to get them to get along. but he didn’t really understand the issues and the layers of caution and hurt. he was pushing, but not in the right direction

and it’s not like either of the twins really tried either

in another life, they might’ve. in different circumstances, they might’ve. but Tilda was dead, and aaron and andrew had so many miscommunications to get through.

it wasn’t until Neil, and the early Thanksgiving at the Hemmicks that it changed

neil was different

he coaxed more out of andrew than aaron ever did. it’s one of the reasons why aaron hated him. how could he, practically a stranger who’d known them for half a year, could know more about andrew than aaron had learned in three years? some of it felt unfair to aaron, but he felt like he half deserved not knowing his brother. it wasn’t like he’d tried his hardest to get to know him.

and it was how quickly neil had puzzled together the mess that was andrew and aaron

not even they could piece it together. it felt so thoroughly messed up and convoluted that they never though any of it was salvageable anymore

when neil brough up Tilda’s death, right after aaron had killed drake, aaron had felt angry, pissed off, borderline furious

but the thought stayed. and nagged.

and when andrew left for Easthaven, without even waiting for aaron to get back to columbia, it hurt more than he’d anticipated

aaron thought about it a lot. and he hated that neil’s statement had made so much sense

after that it was slow going

so slow no one really noticed at first. not even neil. but then neil started picking up one or two things, and then progressively, so did nicky

aaron started

the twins never really verbally apologized for hurting each other, either physically or with words. they’d just spit hurtful words at each other until one of them (usually aaron) stormed out. then, usually a few hours later, one of them called out the answer of a particularly hard homework question for the other and the whole thing was forgotten

it was just how they worked

maybe it was the way they were brought up, or maybe it was just the way they operated, but neither twin needed the other to physically say the words “i’m sorry”. it was usually implied through action, as were most things with them.

and aaron found it easier to forgive andrew for killing Tilda that he thought

one morning in the Columbia house, andrew walked in the kitchen and aaron was there drinking coffee, waiting for his toast to pop out of the toaster, and handed andrew a cup of hot chocolate

andrew simply raised an eyebrow, but took it anyway.

after that, it remained slow.

when andrew went to the store, he’d sometimes buy aaron’s favorite ice cream flavor

and it goes back and forth for a while

they don’t mention it. aaron never brings up the fact that study sheets occasionally appear on his desk the day before a test. andrew never mentions the newly stocked cocoa powder in the kitchen, stacked next to the coffee and tea.

its such small things its only noticeable to the twins and sometimes neil

and it stays at that, but it’s progress, and that’s never happened before, and when neil (and later nicky) notice, they just smile a little, because no matter how little, progress is progress, and it’s a big step for andrew and aaron.

they’re far from talking through their issues, and it occurs to neither of them, but they’re content to go slow

once, aaron had a bad nightmare that woke him up at an ungodly hour of the night. he knew sleep wouldn’t come, not with the way he was shaking and sweating, so he decided coffee and a movie would distract him

he’s surprised to find andrew sitting on the countertop eating m&m’s aaron had bought just a day prior

they don’t speak at all. aaron just makes his tea and sits on the couch, and andrew stays on the counter, scrolling through his phone

aaron turns on the tv and puts on an animated series at low volume

at one point andrew turns his attention to the tv before sliding off the counter and going back to bed. aaron falls asleep on the couch

a couple of nights later, same thing happens again-- nightmares aren’t uncommon for the twins, or anyone really. if the twins cross path in the kitchen, one would just go back to their room

this time the kitchen is empty so aaron pulls out the ice cream and turns on the tv

andrew, being a light sleeper, wakes up. he knows who it is and debates getting up. he does, and this time directly goes to the living room and sits in an armchair, staring blankly at the tv. he only goes back to his room when aaron falls asleep, leaving the tv on.

andrew manages his nightmares better, but some still rattle him every so often, and enough that he usually stays up the rest of the night or finds neil and stays with him.

it’s one of the worse nights, and andrew wakes up in a panic, shivering and angrily wiping his wet face clean. he leaves his room, intent on finding neil before he realises it’s not neil he wants to be with

it annoys him, and he doesn’t like it, or even understand why, but he goes to aaron’s room anyways. he opens the door and settles in aaron’s desk, refusing to wake his twin up.

aaron finds him the next morning, snoring softly in his chair, his head resting in his crossed arms. (he’s really confused, and considers waking him, but decides against it and instead makes him hot chocolate for when he wakes up)

they still don’t talk much about it, but now they don’t act as tense around each other, and usually leave it at insulting the other.

nicky, having dealt with the twins, notices this and almost cries and nearly hugs both of them. he cares too much about graduating with all his limbs to do it, however

he mentions it to neil later, who had noticed the smaller gestures, and shares in nicky’s delight. yes, neil has a certain dislike for aaron, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want andrew and aaron to have a healthy relationship with each other they clearly deserve.

to anyone else, this might be slightly ridiculous, not meaning anything, and probably not even noticeable, but for both of them, it was a huge step forward.

aaron manages to find a spare mattress that he fits under his bed for andrew. andrew doesn’t put a mattress or explicitly tells aaron he can come in his room, so aaron opts instead for tv and snacks. sometimes andrew shows up, sometimes he doesn’t, and aaron finds he doesn’t mind.

one of those nights, aaron finds andrew already watching something on the tv when he shows up. it’s not a cartoon, but aaron grabs the leftover pizza from last night and watches with andrew

later, he looks up the series and ends up watching it. he catches up to the episode andrew was watching, and a couple nights later turns on the show

andrew is surprised that aaron wanted to catch up, and was invested in the show. he settles for telling aaron he’s a couple episodes ahead. aaron shrugs and replies that they can watch until he catches up. it’s their way of agreeing to watch it together at 4 in the morning

one wednesday, a couple months into the twins’ tentative healing, they mentions to Bee what’s been happening. and Bee smiles. she’s just happy that the twins are getting better, and striving to fix things a little.

the Upperclassmen catch up much later

probably because andrew still calls out insults his brother during practice and aaron retaliates

and yes sometimes andrew purposefully deflects balls in such a way that they hit aaron’s back or legs just to annoy him

but andrew tolerates katelyn

and aaron still doesn’t know what andrew sees in neil josten but doesn’t mind his relationship

andrew tells aaron one wednesday he hates being touched, and it doesn’t take a genius to know why. aaron has the urge to go find all of andrew’s abusers and bash their brains in like drake

aaron and andrew never really had people to care for them, so their sense of family is a little extreme, but it’s there

and it’s proof they can get better over time

they’re both in their own way protective of each other. and it’s a silent pact that anyone who hurts nicky will have to face two very pissed off blonds

movie nights at four am become a regular at the Columbia house, and sometimes (though they both have less nightmares over the years) during the week, so they get used to the extra key specifically for each other’s dorms.

one morning matt walks in and see aaron and andrew asleep on oppsoite ends of the couch while sharing a blanket, and takes a picture that he sends to everyone.

dan frames it and hangs it on the wall in the Foxhole Court (next to the one of Andrew and Neil at the airport)

the twins find out and wear practically identical “i am going to murder whoever did this” scowls

andrew thinks birthdays are a waste of time, but neil convinces him to spend time with aaron

so andrew drags aaron to the roof after raiding the liquor cabinet and get drunk on the roof

the twins have a lot of things they never mention

it’s a maze that’s hard to navigate, but the twins know how the system works

there are things and moments and people they never bring up, and there are gestures and little things that are not worth mentioning. both twins don’t know how to really communicate with each other, and sometimes with other people

they don’t know how to express things verbally

so between them its almost and unspoken agreement that phrases like “i love you” or “i’m sorry” are meaningless and dumb.

its one of the reasons why it’s hard to see that the twins are closer than they ever were, because they don’t communicate with words. they’re better at showing what they mean than actually saying it

they get more comfortable around each other, and by the time their senior year rolls in they make jokes (it’s hard to classify them as jokes when it mainly consists of one of the twins pointing at a random object and going “that’s you” with a blank expression while the other scowls)

nicky’s already back in germany and as graduation comes near, both twins find that they don’t want to get away from each other

andrew who doesn’t give a shit about aaron and hates him, texts him pictures of the cats or neil being idiots every once in a while

aaron doesn’t text often, because he doesnt really know what to text

but sometimes andrew will receive a picture of an empty store shelf with a single can of soup on it and the caption “is this u?”

and its so fucking random that andrew can’t help laughing

and aaron begins sending birthday cards to andrew (andrew calls him just to say fuck off and then hangs up immediately, but aaron just smiles and keeps doing it anyway)

(and andrew does start texting aaron happy birthday when it comes around)

one christmas nicky invites both twins and their significant others to germany and andrew gets aaron one of those stupid mugs with a science joke on it

aaron scowls because he knows andrew is blatantly mocking him. he knows.

but its fine because aaron got andrew a black sweater reading “dumber twin” (he had it custom made in rainbow font)

andrew doesn’t even try to act pleasant and says fuck you to aaron’s face

after that christmas, aaron always drinks from the cup andrew got him and andrew wears aaron’s dumb sweater

(katelyn and neil sneakily take pictures and send it to each other because “they’re bonding”)

it takes a long time for the twins to really get around their issues, and they’re both still healing, but at least whatever tilda severed when she separated them is healing too

it might never be perfect, and there’s a lot of healing, and it might never be okay, and it might take them their whole life to properly heal, but the steps they take are forward, and together

and their relationship is still complicated and messy and not the best

but theyre both trying

they both want this

#enjoy whatever this is #i tried okay #i tried my best to english well enough #its 2am and im mentally checked out #twinyards #andrew minyard #aaron minyard #nicky hemmick #aftg #all for the game #aftg katelyn #andreil #sir fat cat mccatterson #king fluffkins #tw abuse #tw rape

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shirts181 · 4 years ago

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Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be? Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

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minecraftoworymode · 5 years ago

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picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

#ng+#msg #i said this was super self-indulgent and i was not lying #i call ng+ my mcsm project and thats literal

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answrs · 6 years ago

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Double Dying Wish Verse

Have to preface this with the warning this is the blocking out stage that comes well before any finishing stuff, it’s 3 different docs shoved into one post (hence why the last bit kinda repeats itself), but I’m sick as hell so just take it author notes to myself and all. will probably clean up in distant future, but until then...

im just really proud of the concept, okay. the execution of the rest may or may not leave something to be desired, though. :p

Lewis’s dying wish is to not let his beloved remember this�� except oops it catches Arthur too, bc mutually pining ot3 is my jam. vivi being so much closer gets hit so hard to the point of not knowing him at all, art is further away so he doesn't remember the cave, but more specifically Lewis death.

it absolves mystery of being a complete dickwad and not telling Arthur this search he's killing himself over is in vain, bc every time he says anything about lew being dead art blanks out and can't hear it (glowy light eyes included)

the thing is Arthur is actually mentally unable to comprehend the idea of Lewis being dead. it's not denial, not naivety, the death magic literally short circuits his brain when the idea is even brought up. then he's totally out of it for hours and has massive migraines and he just wants to find Lewis because Lewis will make the pain go away Lewis will make it all better he just needs to find him.

---

mystery calls home, explain to lance what happened, (maybe skips a few things) while driving to place heli can pick up

later when art wakes and can't connect Lew being dead, mystery sees spirit sparks and tells lance and pepper parents what happened

eventually when art is chomping at the bit to go and “find” Lewis, mystery assures he'll keep them safe, and if they do by chance find his spirit he can hopefully put an end to the curse. art will probably go mad otherwise cooped up when he thinks Lew is in trouble alone somewhere, and may do something rash without them instead if they don't.

(tells vi art is looking for the person she can't remember, but because of the same magic the man doesn't realize the being is dead by his possessed hand?

she makes connection after mansion based on behavior of ghost, tender to her but almost sole focus on Arthur. doesn't voice to Arthur obv but asks mystery.)

yes- now vi knows who ghost was and connects dots from what art recollects from ghost truck (he doesn't believe it was really Lew so no worry abt painting bad light of it, she fumes and hates this former boyfriend even more

tells lance herself, he has his own suspicions based on Arthur's first recount of what happened to him with the ghost, he deserves to know and mystery is gone with shiromori.

vents and rants to the older mechanic because she's so upset about it, and how horrible this supposed friend is to someone working so hard to HELP him, and she DATED such a horrible person and-!

lew in the background super confused at first bc doesn't she remember him? gets upset and angry bc it must be Arthur's fault somehow!

art overhears tho, goes into meltdown bc she hates Lewis? but he's the best kindest gentle person and- no offense Arthur but she's not the most persuaded by his arguments after the guy had literally thrown you off a cliff -what no he didn't what are you talking about no the ghost wasn't Lewis couldn't be Lewis stop sAYING THAT IT HURTS IT HURTS LEWIS MAKE IT STOP

Lew shocked, scared at the sheer magic buildup hurting the thin man (maybe Arthur's subconscious reinforced or made magic stronger?), and now so ashamed bc if vi can't remember him then just based on his past actions involving her as a spirit he can't refute a single point she has against him

only thing be can even try is to help Arthur even weak as he is, repent even a modicum of what he's put him through, now he knows just what art had done for him and-

(vithur au verse?)

Art knows weak spirit is in house, tiny ouija board (tealight, paper with yes/no/”?”, and planchette) - writes/asks y/n question, takes lew hours to move the token to the right spot bc so weak, like kitten trying to push a boulder.

---

Double dying wish verse

Lew uses up all power w van and shit in hellbent after saving arthur

Confused

Mystery runs off to lure shiro away and dispatch her

Arthur concludes ghost was fucking with him by turning into lew since literally mentally unable to comprehend lew being dead bc curse, slowly forgets what even happened

Furthured by lance asking what happened and response like “the ghost had me over the cliff then it… lied, and let go and then…” “lied how?” “he- it- it- i-” sudden furious sparks overtake eyes, konks him out for a good solid couple hours. Lance recognizes symptoms from before (any mention of lew=dead causing big sparks and massive headaches later) and draws his own conclusions

Lew stuck as less than a deadbeat, just wisp following arthur around bc ??????? wtf angry but things not making sense and biding time until REVENGEEEEE and eventually watching art suffer and not knowing why and being concerned and aaaaaaaaaaa-

Occasionally gets caught in little spirit traps around the house, art always lets him go bc blond cant imagine any spirits esp that weak being dangerous. Angry bc theyre scared yes, the traps sense negative emotions, but all deserve better chance and he wants to help

Lew sees the negative side of hunt hidden from vi and lance and mystery

Arm pains pills nightmares beating self up having panic attacks crying sobbing for lewis breaking down at the peg board bc he knows something important he knows is missing but he cant. figure. out. WHAT.

#mystery skulls #mystery skulls animated #mystery skulls animate #mine #msa ot3 #shut up answrs #dont really wanna tag this plotshell but not really headcanon either but #answrs writes stupid headcanons #close enough #double dying wish au

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missjackil · 6 years ago

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My 14x17 Opinion

Game Night

This was the first new episode since “The Announcement” and I have to say I was putting off writing it. I usually post these the day after, but I procrastinated so it’s a bit late. So forgive my butt-hurt tardiness and let's have at it.

I enjoyed this episode, though it wasn't without some issues. I must say that I was pleased that it wasn't as Sam-lite as I thought it would be from the promo pics, trailer, and knowing Jared didn't work a lot that week, I will always want for more Sam in an episode, but all his parts were necessary and high quality in this one, so I'm not angry at all.

We start the episode with Donatello making cookies, singing Raindrops are Fallin’ on my Head, which made me smile. It made me think of Butch Cassiday and The Sundance Kid and I love that movie, and if J2 ever want to play the leads in a remake, I would be willing to pay for it myself!

Donny gets interrupted by the door, and we know this is a problem because its the first 5 minutes of SPN, let's be honest. As soon as I see the bad guy’s wedding ring, I think “Shit... here comes Nick”. I thought he was gonna kill him and I'm glad he didn't. I like Donny, he looks like my dad. 😊

Back at the Bunker, the fam is getting ready for “Winchester Game Night” and Dean is playing Mouse Trap, and having no luck getting it to work. I had that game as a kid too and was never able to get it to work either, but it was fun putting it together! I did think it was a little sad but fitting, that Dean would have played that game as a 4 yr old, but leave it to John and Mary to give Dean a game made for older kids, that never worked out the way it was supposed to and had too many small parts he could choke on. (the irony is not lost on me)

Mary and Jack are in the kitchen. I could literally almost smell the Jiffy Pop popcorn. A Saturday night staple at my house growing up (any of you out there ever taste that greasy salt left on the sides of the foil pan? Good stuff!) and Mary starts in with the questions for Jack. I got a kick out of him telling her its annoying, and her face after. It’s ok Mary, he’s fine, he’s just a teenager now. Something I guess she never got to experience from the adult side.

Sam is out getting pizza, and all the times they’ve had pizza, I never really saw what Sam likes on his. Apparently both he and Dean like lots of pepperoni. Good choice boys! The joy is short-lived (of course) by Donatello’s call, and Dean and Mary go off to help. I loved Sam sitting there researching. I have always loved his look of interest and concentration during these times. Smart!Sam moment #1 he figures out the language is ancient Hebrew, #2 he has the moment of realization that he knows it’s from the Bible, and knows what chapter and verse. (demerits for the writers though for not knowing Peter is in the New Testament and is in Ancient Greek, not Hebrew, but kudos for Sam/Jared for at least knowing the book is located near the back of The Bible)

Mom and Dean in the car. Now we have the talk about how wrong she knows she’s been but how appreciative she is to have this time with him and Sam. Uhoh... sounds like lines typically given to a character who is soon to be killed off? Hmmm we’ll see. Soon they arrive at Donny’s to find Nick. He says he's poisoned Donny and to save him, they have to help him. He wants to talk.

Back at the bunker, violent rage!Sam awaits!! GOD that gave me tingles in the best way! I loved Dean leading Nick down the hall in cuffs, in slow motion as if leading him to his execution, and Sam standing there with his chest puffed out like a friggin’ bulldozer, and the snarl and slam attack against the wall!! (hand me that towel, please??) Dean backs Sam off, lots of brother touching going on, but we need intel, we can't kill him yet.

Now Sam is in self-loathing mode.... he thinks everything is his fault. So many people dying because of him. This is gonna be a big issue soon, I promise. Mom talks Sam off the self-deprecating ledge and tells him he gave Nick another chance because he’s a good man and that's why she’s so proud of him. Sam softens up into the sweetest “aww shucks ma” smile and I want to hug him💕 also, still lines are being spoken by mom that are synonymous with being killed off.

Now, I procrastinated talking about Cas and Anael because the whole thing was boring. I'm not a wife hater but at least make her necessary if you’re going to cast her. I was ok about her role as Sister Jo for Devil’s Bargain but she hasn't been necessary since. Cas wasn't even necessary in this episode. We knew he was hiding the fact that Jack killed the snake, and there are probably 1000 other ways they could have reminded us that the Samulet is still around and maybe they can use it, than for him to find a similar one in the thrift shop or whatever that place was. I dug Methuzula though, he was the oldest dude in the Bible. He wasn’t an angel, for any of you worried about him liking lasagna or why he couldn't just smite Cas... its because he's HUMAN just extremely old.

On to more interesting things.

Nick wants to talk to Jack. I was not pleased with Nick referring to Jack as his son. Im not 100% convinced that the writer (and all involved really) remembered that Jack isnt Nick’s son, but added that as a note of empathy Nick has for Lucifer, you’d THINK someone, particularly Jack would say “Im not your son” ?? but anyway, he gives intel to Jack and also gets his blood (dun dun dunnnn)

Sam is again a smarty pants and knows the antidote for Thalium is Prussian Blue (makes note) and figures he can hack the live feed (brains are so sexy) I also love that Sam’s word is the go word. So many more decisions are made because Sam thinks its the best option than he's ever given for in the fandom. So Sam and Dean take Nick with them to find Donny.

I really love the broments in this part. Dean tells Nick if he tries anything funny, Sam will shoot him. “And if anything happens to me....” “Sam will shoot me” “To start!” says Sam... because if he hurts Dean, Sam isnt letting him off that easy. But in true SPN form, as soon as Sam and Dean are separated, shit goes south.

Mom calls Sam and lets him know Donny was shot up with Angel grace, as Jack figured out, Nick was playing them. Now the fight between Sam and Nick ensues! Nick tells Sam why he used Donatello, which was to bring Lucifer back, “You can't, he’s dead he’s in the Empty” Sam says but this show’s self-awareness gets me sometimes lol Nick’s like “Cmon Sam you know no one stays dead anymore” and Sam starts kicking his ass.

Now, I have already seen a million of you whine and complain that Sam didn’t kill Nick. It’s almost as though some of you have never met Sam Winchester. Of course Sam could have killed Nick, and most of us wish he did, but Sam has stopped himself from killing humans before. He stopped himself with Jake in AHBL and also with Toni in 12x01. Unfortunately it always bites him in the ass. Could it be that Sam thinks if he can kill a human with his bare hands that he’s a monster? This isn’t bad writing folks, this is Sam’s character.

Nick takes advantage of Sam’s hesitation and starts nailing him with a rock. Spewing crap about Sam being Lucifer’s Perfect vessel and such.... this can only mean that issue will be coming up soon! Sam gets in the car and starts laying on the horn for Dean, calling out to him... Dean hears Sam is in trouble, enough playing around here time to kill some demons.

When he gets to Sam. he sees he’s badly injured. Sam can hardly hold on to consciousness, protective!dean kicks in! Apply preasure to the blled, call 911, call mom. Now check for brain damage and play a counting game with Sam This hurt my feels so much, it made it feel so much more serious than all the other head injuries he’s sustained. Dean and his caring big brother smile and light hearted speech so Sam doesnt panic just kills me in the best way!! Sam tries to count with him a little and breaks into “You always put me first... your whole life” and manages to muster a little smile. Dean knows Sam believes he’s checking out, and you see the fear all over Dean’s face as Sam fades away. (OMG these 2!! Every freakin time!!)

Meanwhile, Mary and Jack found Nick and he has summoned Lucifer and just about to take him in again (Lucifer looked pretty cool,,, gotta say) and Jack zaps Lucifer back into the rift (no not forever guys... cmon) and starts torturing Nick. Mary kinda flips out telling Jack to stop. He’s contorting his hand, burning him from the inside out... not simply killijng him. Mary is full on worried now. Jack stops and Nick is laying on the floor. Mary is in shock and tells Jack to go help Sam, He heals him and Dean cant even hide his relief as he turns away to catch his breath.

Now Jack returns to Mary who is more than worried about how Jack was torturing Nick. We know the Winchesters dont mind killing, but draw the line at torture. However, Mary stupidly poked the bear. She could have just kept herself and Jack calm and talked to the boys later, but she poked and poked till Jack freaked out. Though I am wondering if Jack was also hearing Lucifer when he was shouting “Leave me alone!!” But in any regard, he looked at Mary and something happened. Fade to black.

Aside from the Cas/Anael part, I really enjoyed this episode. A few issues yes, but it hit most of the marks needed for me to enjoy an episode. Ive already rewatched it twice and will again and again.

On a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, I give this a strong 7.5 without the Cas/Anael bit it would have been an easy 8.

#14x17 spoilers #game night #my opinion #i dug this one #love this 2nd half a lot

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legisaskerator · 6 years ago

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vent vent vent

buckle up bastards this is gonna be long as FUCK

holy fucking shit my life yhas been so goddamn hard recently and i’m not handling it well

first and foremost on my mind at this second is the fact that i am in so much fucking pain right now i do not know what to do. my EDS is acting up really really badly and i’m super bedridden right now. i took my last vicodin and i have no idea when i can get more, or how, and i have like nothing to help. i had to leave class today to weep in the fuckin bathroom because i can barely walk and even sitting up is a struggle. if i felt this sort of pain three years ago i would have likely considered doing something VERY rash to stop it and i’m amazed i’m still, almost functioning. i can barely think i’m in agony i want it to end

i’m so scared this is just the next turn that eds is taking. i know i wont ever get better but fuck, i dont want to need a mobility aid yet. i’m only fucking 22 i have to be a teacher!!! how can i fucking teach if i cant write on a board?? or maneuver around classrooms? how will i ever get a job? or even just. live in the house of my dreams. i wish there was some help for me because i am tired of ehlers danlos running my life. i am scared for my future. i cant imagine who i will become if this level of pain becomes my “normal”. someone move me to mass so i can get legal weed to try to numb myself

on the same path of injury, my mother recently injured herself very badly and was hospitalized for a little w hile. ended up needing surgery to put rods and screws and plates in her leg/ankle, and as a result, she’s not functioning for the next 12 weeks. i’m doing my best to help out aroudn the house and i’m filling in for her at work. she does advertising for a newspaper and brings the papers to subscribing businesses,, which i’m taking over now. at least i like driving?

i love my mom and i will do anythign to help her, but god it’s such a load on my shoulders. i’m upset and frustrated because i’m strugtgling to balance my life around this sudden responsibility. it’s definitely not her i’m upset about, it’s not like she did this purposefully??? she needs the help and i am willing to give it. but i am also allowed to feel these emotions. i am upset at the /situation/. her boyf and my sister are barely helping and they’re neglectful and distant. i’m the only emotionally present one in the family and also (aside from mom) am the only nurturing, caring one in the household. i keep her from having panic attacks, i keep her anxiety down, i’m warm and i try so goddamn hard to make sure shes ok. but it’s exhausting. i’m keeping my family together it feels like, everythings crashing down and i’m the only “sane” one. which is sad because ive been a depressed wreck for weeks and have been working on scraping myself off the fucking pavement, trying to get out of the spiral. i’m scared that my mom relies so much on me. she tells me everything, things i don’t want to hear. relationship troubles primarily. i know i give great advice and am ~wise beyond my years~ (thanks trauma) but, that’s what her therapist is for. i’ve told her i wish she would, tell me less, because as her daughter it’s uncomfortable, and she always overreacts like “oh i’ll never tel you anything again if it’s so terrible then” and i end up feeling fucking awful, and it’s a nightmare. but if things keep going the way they are in their relationship (i’m not gonna spill deets because, privacy still) we might lose our house!!! and everything we’ve finally worked for!!

so i feel like, if i can’t fix this problem, it’ll be my fault our lives come crashing down.

i know that’s ridiculous. it’s not my job.

but it still feels like it

i never feel like i’m doing enough. just in life in general. i’m not good enough i’m not working hard enough i just am not enough. i was very saturated with child prodigy shit when i was younger and that fucked up my psyche so much. it’s still thrown at me by my father, americas got talent and movies where the protag is a ~genius~. i hate it. ill never be that and i know that’s what my dad wants of me. i’m not the next bill gates i just want to be a teacher and live my life!!!! i don’t want to start a band and get famous!!!! i dont want to run a business!! i don’t want to revolutionize the world!! just let me please! follow my heart!!!!!! i can’t fucking stand it when he tries to tell me what to do with my life it makes me want to scream and wail and sjafkl; fd fjasfg;akldf

i can’t do this, man.

i’m so alone. i’m sick of the slut life. i’ve been hoeing around for a year and it’s taking a massive toll on my self esteem and sanity. i’s a terrible coping mechanism and i’m very very not healthy about it. i only have sex when i’m heavily under the influence of something and use it as a way of getting attention, which is, awful. i often forgo protection because it’s ~inconvenient~ and the second a guy protests, i’ll cave because i ~live to please~ and don’t want to start shit. i can’t keep doing this. hooking up is the only time people ever touch me. i just want a fuckign hug sometimes

i keep seeing so many posts like “you can’t love another if you don’t love yoursel!” and “people aren’t your medicine” but what if??? they can be to an extent?? part of being uber depressed is self-isolation and i’m so, sick of it. i need some fucking comfort because right now i am suffering through my life alone and it’s so difficult. it’s not as easy as just, settling though. i’m picky with my lovers because?? i deserve someone good? everyone that’s been coming through my life like, has a fatal flaw that i just can’t do. like long term compatability is risked for me with that shit.like, too introverted, too emotionally distant, people who just aren’t smart, i can’t do it?? i just want someone who’s going to comfort me when i need it, who i can have a healthy debate with, and someone who respects my life choices and things i do.

i’ve been talking to one guy recently who, i was hoping maybe could have been a potential. he’s super nice and considerate/respectful, hes HELLA smart, adores a bunch of the same stuff i’m into, we talk really well together, i feel comfortabgle around him, gotta say he’s hot as fuck too...and he just wants friends with benefits. I respect that. i was in a similar spot literally last semester, there was a pretty great guy but i just wasn’t in the right space for a relationship. so friends with benefits. i don’t blame this new guy for not wanting a relationship he has every right!! but oh god it hurts a little. i worry that it’s me, that i’m just a good pussy for him, or a convenient lay who’s down to clown like 99% of the time. he’s been talking to me less recently and i’m worried that he’s...done with me. idk if that’s true or if i’m just reading into it but i’m in a VERY vulnerable place right now in my life, and i really need someone by my side for it. i need the support and warmth.

i wish my warmth would comfort me. i wish i could turn my nurturing attitude around and help myself. i wish i didn’t need smoene else for comfort. i’m a fuckin libra tho i live for romance

this guys’ great though. i hope he sticks around at least for a little bit longer. i want to learn more bout lovecraft.

my sluttiness is my biggest qualm with myself right now. it’s definitely a huge problem in my life, it’s actively causing me problems. my one friend (because, i have only one fucking friend i can actually talk to. that’s it i hAVE ONE i’m so goddamn l,onely) has been like, coaching me through making better decisions? i’m very impulsive and he’s got great advice and is quick to be like “then don’t” and shit. i’m trying really hard to make sure i dont use him as a therapist though, that’s unfair to him. i’m respectful and all that shit don’t worry bout htat. he’s a huge help to me and has been my absolute rock through college, idk where i’d be without him. he also introduced me to his friend group, who are all really amazing people? they welcomed me with open arms and no ones ever done that before. i’m always super outcasted cause i’m weird and i wont hide it because it’s ME goddamnit! but these people, they’re weird too, they’re freaks and outcasts and, while they’ve all been very close friends since they were wee tots, they still welcomed me in. they still wanted me to be part of them. i’m getting to know all of them still, but i’ve got hope that, maybe i’ve got some lifelong friends now. at the very least, i’m sure i’ve got one.

onto phase 4 of my fuckin monologue i guess, topic SHIFT

my thesis is a mess and it’s due in three weeks, i’ve barely gotten anything done because my teacher is awful and i’m worried i’m gonna fail the course

which would be SUPER bad because, i’ve had this teacher too many times and we do not get along, she loathes my existence, and i really just need to get out. shes partly the reason i need an extra fucking year at school and i always DREAD going to her class. it’s humiliating and discouraging to spend three hours every monday there. no one else likes this professor, they’re only here becuase the school loooooves the researchers and writers. complaints dont matter. all of my other classes are fine but this one has been probably the worst, most emotionally devastating class i’ve ever taken

i don’t even get to write about a topic i want. i was forced to write about the play i was in, instead of Monty Python like i wanted (it’s a fucking comedy class!!!!!) the play is about SCHOOL SHOOTINGS (we won some national awards teehee it’s an outstanding play). yes it’s a “black comedy” but not really? it’s a drama with comedic moments? and i KNOW THIS cause i’ve been studying comedy with this professor for like three cumulative years at this point. i’m struggling beacuse there’s zero research, zero information, and has to be over 20 pages long??? like fuck? i’m so fucked

anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk. i’ve been wanting to make a vent post for like weeks but i haven’t had the time or energy and , i really needed to just....get this out. i feel a little better having all the words down. there’s still so much else going wrong in my life that i could talk about, all the car troubles, my other classes, dorm shit, but, it doesn’t matter in the light of these issues. i can get through this. i just gotta keep fighting.

oh and if anyones like, worried, i’m not suicidal, i’m not going to do that, there’s no chance of that hpapening. i’m in a very bad place but i’m never gonig back there if i can fucking help it

#personal #vent #tw whatever idk sensitive materail or something #i just gotta breathe

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kpopsiblingreactions · 6 years ago

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Vixx As Mafia Siblings

N/Hakyeon

So, you think Hakyeon is bad as a normal brother? He becomes ten times as protective now that his in the mafia. You would be joking yourself if you think you would be able to go to a public school. Out of school you need to check in every two hours, by call or you text a keyword. Then delete it after you send it... Dating is definitely not a possibility since that means you’re going to have a big soft spot for attack. Which means Hakyeon will also. The same applies when it comes to his friends or anything in the mafia. You are not to interact, let alone snoop in any of it. Hakyeon would some how convince your parents that his just making you have a great future, therefore the private school, and it would be better for you to move in with him. If you dont listen to Hakyeon, you will get grounded. By that I mean you literally wont be able to leave the house. Hakyeon would leave one of his men at the house to be sure of that. You guys have a safeword, if he texts you it somethings up and you hide until one of the boys or Hakyeon come and get you. Honestly at times it terrifying to live like this. To the point where at times you would have panic attacks. You tried hiding this, but turns out Hakyeon easily found out with the cameras in the house. The next day you had a trusted counselor in your room. Hakyeon knows when somethings wrong and you may not have wanted this life but he will make sure your safe in it for the fullest.

Leo/Taekwoon

Taekwoon if more feared then N, which means there will be more people looking for his weakness, you. Now Leo trusts you though, he will tell you anything. If he doesnt want you to know he will tell you that. You know about his mafia life though, and you actually hang out with the boys a lot since Taekwoon is often out on jobs. He would occasionally shoot you a text, call, or voicemail, just to give you the lingering feeling that his still there. When his around though he often comes back at night and then his home for a day or two. Its almost like a surprise gift whenever you wake up and Taekwoon is laying on the floor by your bed. You get up, make breakfast and Taekwoon comes down with a greatful smile, saying good morning. You guys talk like everythings normal and Taekwoon tries to catch up on your life. You may be a bit lonely but whenever you are all you have to do is give Taekwoon a text or one of the other boys. They are here for you. When you dont listen to one of the boys they just babysit you until Taekwoon gets back. He wont be anywhere near as harsh as N, instead he will sit you dont and talk it out. Making sure you dont repeat the mistake. If you continue to do so you will wind up having a locked bracelet on your wrist with a gps in it.

Ken/Jaehwan

Jaehwan isnt close to you, and visa versa. His gone for months on end and you cant get ahold of him. His the mafias top spy after all. But you cant help but get the fear gripping around your heart that maybe one day he wont come back. When he does come back though its for awhile, around a month or two. He especially feels guilty when you tell him how much you missed him. The boys are sure to watch out for you though. Sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming since you basically have a handful of additional brothers. When there's danger, leading to you, Jaehwan will hear before anyone else. As a spy he has ears everywhere. As soon as he hears troubles heading your way he will either intercept it or let the boys know. If none of that is possible he will send you a text warning you. He trusts you can figure out what to do after that. If anything would happen to you Jaehwan would be in a panic, for the first time in his life. Thats where you starts pulling people that owe him and using all his skills. Honestly if anyone were to do something to you they would quickly regret doing so. Jaewhan may not have a lot of deadly force but he does have deadly allies, and he wouldnt hesitate to call on them.

Ravi/Wonsik

Ravi would make your life luxury, anything you want is yours. Once you start disobeying or upsetting Ravi he can take it away as easily. He loves you, as all older brothers should, but he has to be strict with you. After all the mafia relies on his hacking and business. Oh and if you get a date and you think your gonna be hidding him you’re kidding yourself. Unless you talk by carrier pigeon his going to be able to track who you’re talking to. Theres cameras everywhere so even if you just talk one on one he can still see where you’re going. On that note any phone you have is always being tracked, so if you tell him you’re doing one thing and do the opposite and go somewhere else his going to know. You have several safe houses and security to match it. It would be amazing if someone was even able to knock on your door without Ravi knowing. Unlike the rest of the boys Ravi has a very close relationship with you, he often works from home. When the boys are around though he sends you to your room. He doesnt want you to be in the mess, it could get dangerous let alone if you had any closer of a relationship with the mafia. When he does know that someones after you though he will hunt them down without mercy, cutting off any funds they have.

Hongbin

Now since Hongbin is just in charge of getting information, threw an unwilling person, he is often awa and comes back tired and bloody. You’ve seen him like this so to say you dont know about his job is very untrue. Hongbin is so nice to you though, he can be a bit mean with the teasing but thats it. You could never imagine him as a man that would torture people. So in your life ignorance is bliss. Anywhere you go with Hongbin though you would always have to stay near him. He says its for your safety so why doubt him? If the boys come over for business they go in the other room, if Hongbin gets called for work last minute and its late one of the boys will come over just until Hongbin returns. When is not business though you hang out with the boys, its a lotta fun and Hongbin makes sure you live the life you want. He honestly doesnt care about school, so as long as you listen to him and at least keep up with your smarts without going to school you can stay at home all your life. Anytime you mention a job though Hongbin refuses, just telling you to ask him for whatever or giving you cash. With his job it would be a nightmare trying to keep you safe while you’re working also.

Hyuk/Sanghyuk

UNLIKE all the other boys theres a chance that Sanghyuk would let you in the gang. Of course first you would have to pass his very extremely hard check to see if you would be safe enough to join. Even when you join you will probably end up Sanghyuks assistant because the others cant deal with the constant threat to their live hanging over their head if you get hurt. Not to say it wasnt fun, after all working with Sanghyun you would have the chance to try out any new weapon the mafia gets in. Sanghyuk would make you go threw many checks though, constantly, so he knows he doesnt have to worry about you. Whenever you’re around the boys though Sanghyuk is always watching, he trusts them but the moment they start looking at you funny suddenly the mafia got blank bullets by accident, only in their gun. Sanghyuk knew this wouldnt kill them but it would make them realize they need to back off if they want functioning weapons. Out of that life Sanghyuk would always have a taser or gun in the house just in case some unwanted guests showed up for you. He didnt want you having to use them but when it comes down to it he rather you shoot someone then be dead. At a young age, right when he joined the mafia, he had you trained in shooting. At that point you thought it was just to bond. No, sadly not, it was to protect yourself.

#Kpop mafia #Vixx Mafia #mafia reaction #kpop reactions #kpop scenarios #vixx reactions #Vixx scenarios

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hmspogue · 7 years ago

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Stranger Things Season 2 Trailer Shot by Shot Rundown Pt 2

A week late but here you go (the first run down can be found here)

disclaimer: i own nothing, all shots and scenes depicted belong to Netflix

it should also be noted that these are just MY theories and opinions. I am by no means an expert, and you are absolutely entitled to your own thoughts and theories.

without further adieu here we go-

MY BABY IM SO READY FOR YOUR RETURN

as long as she has her eggos and is safe that’s all that matters :’)

i hope shes warm enough

that person is me running away from all the shit that’s about to hit the fan

so i’m assuming this season is really going to focus on the lines between dimensions blurring around Halloween thus why Will is struggling so hard rn yada yada yada nothing new

i want to know why this monster is just now on the radar you know? like while Will was in the Upside Down did he know about THIS thing or just the demagorgan

dang i guess trick or treat is ruined then?

yyyyyyiiiiiiIIIIIIIKKKKKKEEEEESSSS i CANT EVEN TELL WHERE ITS HEAD IS WTF IS THIS THING

??? where are they? and who is that random man with them? it kind of looks like a lab or some place underground. also i’m screaming bc

NOTE: their outfits here are different from the ones they’re wearing in the shot of them staring at the wall i love detective legends WHO GO OFF AND RESEARCH THE SUPERNATURAL by themselves how interesting

no really who is this guy and who is he keeping tabs on (see: the white note cards to the left)

WHO YOU GONNA CALL (i made this joke in my last rundown i’m sorry i’m so lame)

i think i mentioned this in the last run down, but even though i’m not a huge fan of Steve atm, i’m intrigued by this dynamic of him and the kids they’re going to be doing

does every small town in tv shows have a lookout point where the core group congregates to see shit go down?

this is such cool cinematography if they did, in fact, make one side of the road green and the other dying on purpose

i’m ALSO SO EXCITED TO SEE THIS FRIENDSHIP DYNAMIC THIS SEASON (just bc Will was MIA last season, we didn’t really get to see much about his relationship with the other three aside from how much they wanted him back, and towards the very end of the final episode)

ok even though this new monster is creepy as hell and i’m so upset will has to suffer again this season..........this kid is a hella talented artist way to go Will you’re doing great

omg please stop hurting mah boy...but also wtf why do I have to deal with another slow burn ship this season screw this

.......you........you’re to blame

who are you and what are those glowing light cylinders doing in front of you

NOTE: i actually think this is Hop in the same scene as a clip you will see later in the trailer...you can look there to see my theory on why he is doing this stay tuned

pictures???? of what I can’t tell. why are they showing these to him while hes in the hospital? (peep the gown)

someone help this kid pls

are they at an ER or a police station?

big mood Joyce (ugh I hate how she has to suffer through this again just let the Byers live please)

can’t even tell whats going on here other then the fact that it looks like the upside down next slide

what are all these wires yikes

this doctor seems like (based on what I saw this trailer especially) he’s going to become a new reoccurring character...interesting...he better not back stab any of my children or i will stab him in his back

DONT BE SAD MIKE SHES ON HER WAY BACK TO YOU

oh my god a conversation between Will and Mike where Mike fills him in and tries to explain his feelings for Eleven HERE FOR IT PLEASE LORD

RUN MY CHILD FLEE I WOULD PROTECT YOU IF I COULD

I REALLY HOPE SHES OKAY OH LORD

MIND POWERS ARE BACK OH HELL YEAH

ummm...??????? first of all whose house is this, I dont reconize it and second of all...

why does she look so angry now i’m kind fo concerned WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?

halloween dance maybe? i’m just confused as to why people are at the school in the middle of the night, i think this is mainly wishful reaching on my part

what’s interesting to me about this shot is not even so much the drawing (which i discussed in my last rundown), but the fact that Joyce has the phone next to her again? last season she had it in hopes of communicating with Will, which causes me to question who she is waiting for this time?

a portal i’m guessing?

NOTE: I think that Steve and Dustin are going to be the main friendship focus out of the kids and Steve. i think it’s going to be Will off having problems of his own, Mike with Eleven when she comes back sorting things out, and Max and Lucas...which i’m guessing is going to be the love interest for max they’ve been hinting at and if any of the crazies out there start trying to SHIP Dustin and Steve I will come for your throats

jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus please mAKE THIS STOP

IT LOOKS LIKE LITERALLY ALL OF THEM ARE CONGREGATED WHY AM I LIVING FOR THIS

nope ignore, next

IGNOREING THE FACT THAT THIS LOOKS LIKE A PARALLEL TO HOP WHEN HE LOST HIS DAUGHTER. NEXT

how many dang trips is Hop taking to the Upside down this season?

edit: see further down for the theory

see: my last statement

who are you odd doctor man?

well he kind of looks as out of the loop as the rest of us so i think we can trust him...for now...

*heavy labored breathing*

oh boy...

excuse me while i scream until my lungs concave (OK BUT THE BED ROOM SHARING TROUPE PARALLEL??? CANT I JUST CATCH MY BREATH FOR FIVE SECONDS BEFORE BEING ATTACKED AGAIN?? okay but it kind of looks like theyre in a hotel???? why????????????)

Holes (2003) that should be Hopper behind her

this scene was in the Comicon trailer and it doesn’t concern me any less now

me too steve...me too...

...will the real Karate Kid please stand up

actually, the more i think about it, the more i’m thinking Hop making all these weird trips to the Upside Down has to do with that deal he made with the scientists last season...like his end of the bargain was basically doing all the dangerous dirty work everyone else is too afraid to do

that or he’s being sent to locate Eleven but I’m choosing to ignore this theory

YIKES (Part 18937487002)

lowkey think this is going to be that weird pet thing Dustin eventually gets but watch me be wrong

classic Samwise Gamgee

nothing but respect for my sons (if their love triangle causes any sort of animosity between these two this season I’m burning something)

i reeeeeeeeeeaaaaallllllyyyyyyyyy want to like Max this season and I hope shes more like cool and reserved and not annoyingly angsty and rude like so many tv franchises like to paint preteen girls. but Stranger Things has not failed me yet so I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt

interesting that Will and Mike aren’t there doing whatever the heck they’re doing, but Steve and Max are? idk if it means anything, it’s just interesting. makes me wonder if Will and Mike are going to be off figuring out whats happening to Will, while these four focus on something else? but what?

Dustin is ready to throw down (I think that this has to do with his “pet” they’ve been teasing this season. like idk maybe he’s trying to tame it or something)

everyone in this show is about to be in the best damn shape of their lives with all the running they seem to be doing my god

oh my god??? so it looks like they’re sterilizing him for something, but Hop looks like he’s in pain so I’m completely against whatever the hell is going on in this scene

NOTE: this is probably in reference to him paying off his end of the bargain with the lab

can this monster just calm tf down and give these mf kids a chance to take a BREAT?????????????? LEAVE

this whole trailer consisted of horrified looks, people in pain, and running

so maybe Hop is being used to test weapons for the labroatory on the monsters in the Upside Down? and that was the deal he made?

the amount of panic and seeming lack of experience these people working at the lab have expressed on multiple occasions makes me doubt their credibility as scientists to begin with

she looks terrified and sweaty this is not a good combination (also did you know that Nancy Wheeler could run me over with an 18 wheeler and I would say “thank you”?)

that looks like Nancy’s gun so looks like the core group is getting ready to rumble

can’t tell if he looks suspicious, seductive, confused, or constipated in this shot so MOVING ON

??????????????? who tf are you? (based on the pictures on the walls, he’s in the Byers house?)

anD HES PUNCHING JONATHAN BYERS ABORT ABORT THIS JUST TOOK A TURN I THINK TF NOT YOU TRICK ASS BITCH

I don’t think I’ve ever hated an idea more than the idea of my bois going into the upside down themselves no thanks

does anyone know this guys name? i can’t keep calling him Samwise

wiLLIAM PLEASE NO

a raid of sorts? but on what because this doesn’t look like the upside down so...the real world?

again with these inexperienced scientists working on what is apparently a very important government project. this staff need to be reevaluated

*Teenager by My Chemical Romance plays in the distance*

(the relevance behind this shot makes me curious, because from what i can tell which obviously isn’t a lot with the mask and such, its not anyone we know yet...and it’s just a bunch of teenagers sooooo)

i think it should be noted that Dustin is wearing the same outfit and headset from that scene from the previous trailer where he’s screaming “ABORT ABORT” so my guess is we are just going to have one episode where the kids venture into the Upside Down for a mission of their own (in which they ALL better return safely or I will be making some calls)

i’m confused now, because previous to this, it looked like Dustin was outside with the headset kind of running point, but here it looks like he’s in there with them??? idek anymore

i’m so sosososoososososososo really for this show down scene

HELL YEAH

this pretty much confirms for me my theory on how the love triangle pans out (Lucas and Max end up together)

*sigh* at this point, i’m officially worried for every single one of the main characters

LOOKS LIKE JOHNNYBOY HIT BACK(look at that bloody nose) OOooOOooOOOOOoO (also i can’t wait to hate you whoever you are we’re just going to call you Crusty for now)

hmmm....this is the same van that those teenagers in masks were getting out of a few scenes back...interesting

WHO ARE ALL THESE NEW PEOPLE

she literally looks so angry this trailer oh man...though this one she also looks more...upset maybe?

correct me if i’m wrong but is that not the woman who we’re pretty sure is Eleven’s mom? the distortion around the camera also kind of makes it look like a vision/ flashback, so this could possibly be something Eleven is seeing and explain why she’s so upset?

this looks like the same scene where she’s yelling and looking pretty mad. also noted: this is the same outfit she’s wearing when she appears in that unknown door way looking so angry

NOTE: i’m also confused about her hair? like yes, i know they let Millie grow her hair out this season, but in a recently released short clip where Eleven busts out of the wall into the middle school, her hair is still buzzed. so does this suggest a time jump? if so, how much time has passed? does this also suggest that she came through the upside down a while back and has been living on her own long enough for her hair to get THAT long? which would mean she didn’t go to Mike or the others for help, she just has been roaming around doing whatever it is they’ll have her doing...

solidifies my belief that Dustin and Steve will be the main friendship they will be pushing this season

NOTE: ....??? why does Dustin have flowers? i lowkey think Dustin is going to awkwardly go to Steve as like a big brother figure to give him advice on his crush on Max

eternal mood

oh okay wow...so this is actually right before all the shit with the kids going into the upside down all happens (Dustin’s shirt and headset)

all of these scenes with the same outfits makes me wonder how long of a time period this season spans over...honestly my guess would be like three days

lol why does Steve seem so confused by the contents of his own trunk

NOTE: whoa whoa whoa this just went from day to night...so the whole “do you still have the bat” scene is different from Steve actually removing the bat from his car

why does Steve have the bat to begin with? I thought it was Jonathan’s?

i’m betting said shit just officially went down

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M REALLY NOT READY GUYS THIS SEASON IS GOING TO SHAKE US ALL TO OUR CORES

QUESTION: is there anything you guys want me to do when the episodes are released? maybe like an episode rundown w/ my thoughts and opinions? idek leave a comment if you reblog and have an idea

AND THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR 3K YOU ALL ROCK MY SOCKS OFF LOVE YOU ALL

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the-hero-of-queens-blog · 7 years ago

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guys I have such a great Battle of The Bands!AU for Voltron/Klance and I’m working on this alongside my criminal minds/Voltron Crimues Unit!AU so here are some hc from it

* So in most Klance!AU fics/AUs it’s Keith who’s the last to guy of is reluctant but what if Lance was the last one * Okay, so here’s some background info before we get into The Story

* Everyone’s Role * Pidge * She’s crazy on the keyboard and she has some crazy upgrades to their tech * Hunk * Hunk is an amazing second guitarist and an amazing groupie for the rest of the band * He loves to go alongside the base and keep the foundation of the song steady * He’s not int crazy solos and stuff, unlike someone * Allura * This girl is the singer of the band, she could play instruments but decided her favorite was her voice and her words * She writes the bands songs as well does crazy covers * She also helps manage the band with Coran * She used to be a duo with her brother before he decided he wasn’t going to play for people anymore, hence why she created the band at her school * She missed the music and the connection, mainly the connection with her brother, who is so distant and different than before * Coran * He is the manager of the band * He is in charge of getting them gigs and gets them into BOTB and is just amazing * He is also like their weird uncle but when lance joins, he is like SON? * Shiro * The unofficial co-leader with allure to the band * He plays the bass and is the actual foundation and leader of the group * She’s been in love with Allura since day one but he think she looks at him like a friend but girl has been planning their wedding since the second band practice together * Keith’s older brother and best friend * Keith!! * Keith is the drummer of the group * He loves to go crazy on them * He considers it the best therapy * He takes the band vey seriously and doesn’t understand the really pretty boy that joins the team and is so cocky but also quiet?? * Lance confuses him a lot and it makes him very frustrated * Lance * Lance plays the lead guitar * Unlike hunk, he loves solos and crazy tricks and stuff * Lance has a hard time expressing his feelings beyond his happy semi-cocky personality * But with the guitar he can be open and express his happiness and pain and anger * he used to love to perform, but seemingly suddenly, decides against doing it ever again until circumstances * Lance and Keith both went to Garrison College before Keith transferred a year before the story starts * He just didn’t like it and he’s brother was going to another school so Keith decided to switch * While at the garrison, both Keith and lance had a feud over the “best” rehearsal room and would always fight to get it * when Keith leaves, even though they faded, Lance feels sad bc that was the only person he really interacted * He really struggled at the garrison and didn’t have any friends beside his feud * Randomly, in the middle of the year a (the year after Keith leaves) Lance suddenly drops out without a word * The next school year, Lance’s sister, Allure (you prob figured it out already lol) pulled some strings so that her brother could join her at Altea University * Still, he refuses to go to Allura’s band practices or gigs and won’t play with her * He still had no friends and is even more closed off and guarded than before * Until one day, he was using one of the rehearsal rooms at Altea and is found by Pidge, Shiro, and Hunk * They pretty much beg him to join their band and he refuses * They then ask him to at least come to their practice the next night * He reluctantly agrees, because friends? He doesn’t really know * He does know that he misses the music and connection as much as Allure does * At this point, no one knows Allura has a brother bc it’s a touchy subject bc of everything between them * So when he shows up at HER practice she is like OMG HE CAME!!! IM GETTING THROUGH * And then Shiro is like oh you came awesome * And Alluras like what? * And they’re like this is the guy we told you about * And she’s like are u kidding I’ve been asking you for months to come and three random dude ask once and you actually come!!! * And he’s like uh yeah? * And she is like god I would have done that months ago then * So then he sees Keith and he’s #triggered * And he like oh my god it’s the mullet! * And Keith is like, do I know you???and lance gets all pissed bc seriously the only person he considered a friend?? Person?? In his life at garrison doesn’t even remember him?? * Anyway he ends up getting super into the band and at the last second decides to join in and plays * And THEN Keith remembers bc god this kid is amazing and he knows it oh my * by the end of practice, lance decides to join and everyone is so excited (Even Keith who wont admit it) * And after that, the team latches on to lance and he’s so confused bc yeah he’s pretty good on his guitar but why are they interested in him? * Anyway time goes in and it’s time for their first kid with Lance and he is freaking out * Like having a panic attack and is like “OMG OMG OMG I CANT DO IT OCANT “ and no one knows where he is and Keith gets pissed * So he goes and find lance * Except lance is sitting with his knees to his chest in a janitor closet that Keith happened to walk past and he’s hyperventilating and crying so hard and Keith is like oh fuck * And lance is only half aware but he expects Keith to lash out at him * But Keith is so gentle and tender and helps him through it * And after he calms down, he talks to him about things and convinces him to join them * And the concert is amazing!!! He has so much fun and him and Keith play off each other with solos and the whole band is like omg what is happening * And after the concert, lance and Keith are friends?? * No more like best friends * They are always together and they’re not hostile anymore, all bickering is playful and allure can see her brother being flirty!! * And she just so happy and she’s finally having that Connection again and she’s so happy * They have more gigs and things are going great, they find out they qualified for the battle of the bands and their all so happy and excited * Everything seems to be going perfectly * But off something had to happen * Something in lances life couldn’t stay good * So after a concert, they decided to stay a bit bc the bar is chill with it * So they’re all hanging out and having a great time * Lance has to pee and goes to the bathroom and things are good until he leaves the bathroom and sees the last person he wants to see EVER * Motor is standing there, the biggest, coldest smirk on his face and lance can feel all the tan color in his cheeks flee * And lotor is a complete asshole * Saying how his own band, the empire, from Galra university is in the battle of the bands and Voltron doesn’t stand a chance * And to make it worse, he just verbally/mentally/emotionally degrades lance to the point where he becomes hysterical and sobbing and gasping for breath and shaking * And lotor says how he ruins voltron and no one needs him and he ruins everything and this isn; the first time * Lance comes back to the group like this and everyone is like WTF WHAT HAPPENED WTF and he’s literally pulling them begging to leave and they’re like okay okay just give us a second and then Allura sees him * She sees Lotor walking away from where lance came from and she freaks out * Shiro has to physically hold her back and she is screaming and Lotor just laughs and pays them no mind because he has already caused the rift, planted the seed * This only makes Lance more upset and he just grabs Keith in a death grip and is like please please please I want to go home please I just need to go home * So Keith is like oh my god okay and just takes lance back to his and Alluras house bc he didn’t drink (neither did lance) * And he stays until lance is changed and in bed and he thinks that he should leave so lance isn’t uncomfortable but lance asks him to stay and he gets into bed with Lance bc he can’t say no to him he loves him * And yea he’s known it but he hasn’t said anything and he can’t * He couldn’t do anything to hurt this beautiful amazing boy * Little does he know that lance has been falling since he helped him in that janitor closet and he wishes that someone like Keith loved him * And Keith just holds him, their face to face and Keith is rubbing his back so softly and lance wants to kiss him so bad * But he can’t * Not without him knowing the entire story of what happened last year and how he even knows Lotor * And Keith just listens and waits for lance to finish and the whole time she is holding him so softly but firm all the same and it feeling grounds lance and helps him get through it * And when he’s done Keith wants to kill motor bc how could anyone do that to Lance?? * and Keith gives this whole speech without thinking * About how amazing lance is and exactly why and how lance deserves so much better and all the loving shit * And lance is just amazed bc no one has said that to him * And now here is Keith saying it!!! * And is just realizes that he has to kiss Keith * He has to bc he has done so much for him and he just loves him so much that thanks isn’t enough to convey how much he is thankful and loves Keith * So, with they’re laying in his bed, with Keith rubbing circles on his back and looking at him like he was the sun and the moon, he kisses Keith

I know there is a ton here and there is a ton that isn’t said so look at for the fic later! Gave out so much more than I tought but I am happy. I love this AU so much!

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waitinginthedarke · 7 years ago

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BIGBANG - MAFIA!AU - SERIES 3

A BIGBANG FANFICTION

Summary: The saying goes, ‘the mafia is family, the mafia is home’…but even if ‘the mafia is home’…is it really the right place to raise a child?

Masterlist (including series one and two)

A/N:As usual, with the end of a story, i’ve had to add an epilogue as this chapter literally came to 12 pages and i wasn’t about to make you guys sit and read through more bullshit than that xD However, even though I have achieved the main goal i set out with for this chapter, you may leave it thinking ‘WTF, just happened’...and if that happens you’re just going to have to wait for the Epilogue! ;)

Recommended Listening: Nina Nesbitt - The Moments i’m missing + JP Cooper - In the Silence (Seunghyun and Kyungil)

Chapter 10

17 years ago – The Night Seunghyun Ran

He could hear them…the footsteps…heading toward his door, as had become routine over the last week; exactly at 9pm, to inform him he had to turn out the light… that he had to sleep.

But tonight…. he wasn’t going to sleep.

It had taken him all day to loosen the leg of the wooden bed enough to be able to pry it away from the frame, the moment the object had come off in his hand making his heart race with adrenaline as the plan had slid into place in his mind, his fingertips bloody from scratching at the fastenings for hours on end, having to hide the evidence the few times people had come in to check on him, before he’d go back to grappling with the screws, tears long gone as the pain settled into numbing familiarity.

But now…now as he stood behind the door, practically feeling his blood rush through his veins as it roared in his ears in anticipation…now he was going to get out; …he was going to get out, or he was going to die trying.

The footsteps came to a stop outside of the door, and the usual three knocks rapped at the door, allowing a moment to answer before the door handle began to turn.

It was from the moment the door creaked open, that he realizes this was the first time he was prying open these memories since he’d been forced to forget them.

As the usual guard steps into the room, he gives him a moment to enter far enough to get a good glance at the room before he attacks, putting as much force behind the wood in his hand as he could, and bringing it down heavily on the back of the guy’s head, managing to kick the door shut a little to hide the attack from anyone who may be outside as he brings the makeshift club down again and again, until the man lays still, utterly unconscious….and utterly unrecognizable.

He looks at him.

And the only thought that he has is; one down.

Only now, as he lay unconscious on the floor of the derelict room he and Kyungil had been locked into, did he recall how horrific the sight was to his young mind; the bruised, battered beyond belief skin that was split into sections as it strained over his face at awkward angles appearing like something out of a horror film…something that should never have been witnessed by a child.

As he continued to run through the corridors, feeling like he was simultaneously out of control yet completely sunken into his own skin as he recalled the dream, he took note of the darkness of the place, the apparent lack of any care being taken for the place in which they kept him. It was only as he emerged on a landing, with various corridors running from the almost circular stage, that he became fully aware of the mansion he was in, the familiar ornate chandelier having been something that he now realized had always haunted his dreams, but in that moment was a signifier for the power he was about to battle.

On the way out of the prison room he’d been kept in, he’d looted the disfigured man for all of his arsenal, the weight of the rifle he now carried on his back as he slunk over to the railing that overlooked the floor below feeling like a deadweight as it hung between his shoulder blades, the knife in his hand in comparison filling him with power and an incentive to use it.

It was just as he caught sight of the 5 or 6 men in the lobby below, stood before his friend’s father as he gave them orders, that a shout came from the direction of his room, the sound instantly springing him into action, and he sprints for the stairs, his brain a crazy haze of panic and desperation as his feet slap against each step, his crashing approach being made obvious to the men below and he sees them all instantly reach for their weapons.

He didn’t know what else to do.

Without thinking he drops the knife and reaches for the rifle, not pausing once as he uses it, only jolting back with the first few bullets he lets out. However, his survival instincts quickly kick in, along with his, often praised, intelligence that surprised everyone he met, allowing him to almost instantly take out 3 of the men below, struggling to dodge away from their attacks as bullets begin to ricochet off of the brass bars of the banister in front and the wall behind him, before he finally makes it to the bottom of the stairs and takes out another two men as they jump in front of the man he was really aiming for.

The way his heart races to the point of flat-lining in his chest has him continuing to turn back and shoot at the men coming down the stairs toward him, his panic forcing him toward the main door that was only 10ft away, and somehow he manages to sprint out into the sunlight, dodging the bullets that pin into the walls of the house all around him.

He doesn’t stop sprinting. Not when his legs ache and his chest screams from the lack of oxygen. Not when his feet begin to peel with blisters and his face stung with wind burn. Not when he got to the perimeter of the property and realized he had no idea where he was going.

Its only when a bullet torpedoes into the tree that he’d been about to pass, that he looks behind him…and what he sees has him skidding to a stop as his pain and fatigue is replaced by rage once more.

‘Seunghyun, stop!’

‘Y/N, we need to wait for them! You said you’d wait-‘

‘I know I said that. But Seunghyun is in there…and when they find out the truth of what happened-...We need to get to him before anything bad happens.’ You say, glancing at Jihoon momentarily to convey the seriousness of the situation, before turning to continue to scale the wall of the compound, having found a weak spot in the cctv surveillance and knowing you only had a minute or so before you’d get clocked.

‘I still think you’re walking into a death trap…but I cant let you go in alone – Jiyong would slaughter me if I left you.’ You smirk humorlessly at the part that Jihoon mutters under his breath, before jumping down from the 10ft fence and rolling quickly to avoid damaging yourself, hearing Jihoon land behind you a few seconds later.

‘The only issue we have, is that I don’t know exactly where they’ll be keeping him-‘

‘Y/N!’

‘-BUT, it’ll be separate from the rest of the main rooms. The two smaller buildings to the left of the main entrance are trainee and assassin quarters, so he’s likely to be in the actual building.’ You explain, watching Jihoon’s expression begin panicked before slowly melting into concentration and understanding, crouching suddenly when he reaches out to grab your wrist, and you both witness a few people exit the front door of the mansion that stood 400 meters from where you were.

‘There is a patrol that goes by every 5 minutes, im guessing that’s the people who have just exited the building. If we ambush them on their way past, we should be able to enter the mansion without suspicion.’

‘You are aware that the two people who just walked out of those doors are men, and you are in fact, a female?’ Jihoon quips amusedly as you watch the pair begin walking toward where you were hid, still 100 ft away, turning to raise an eyebrow at the man beside you at his ridiculing tone.

‘I had noticed that Jihoon, yes. However, I didn’t plan on masquerading as a man for the whole evening; I simply need to get into the building.’

You shoot him a look which causes a sheepish expression to cross his face, before you hit his shoulder to tell him quietly to focus, and the two of you go back to anticipating the approach of the patrol.

Its almost like he gets taken over by some outside force as he stares at the familiar face of his friend, watching him begin to dismount the motorbike he’d followed him on, leaving it on the road that Seunghyun had just crossed to enter the second half of the forest, and proceeding to slowly approach him.

Its not the demand of his elder that upsets Seunghyun, nor is it the obvious mistrust that shines from the boys eyes as he hesitantly continues toward him.

It’s the way his friend holds the gun ready to shoot at any second…as if he’d been holding the object for years.

Because it only becomes apparent to Seunghyun then, that the promise they’d made to each other, had never meant anything to him…because he’d been training this whole time.

‘Seunghyun. Lower the gun.’

He hadn’t even realized he’d grabbed the metal barrel and had it poised in his arms until the other boy had spoken those shaky words, the irony in his own vulnerability causing a smirk to stretch Seunghyun’s mouth, the expression quickly being manipulated into a sneer.

‘So this is what it comes down to? …all the lies are being exposed…’ he calls to the other boy, his old friend being stood around 20ft from him, lowering his gun the tiniest bit as Seunghyun shouts to him, his expression as it became more easily readable, showing confusion and an edge of sadness.

‘Hyung, I didn’t lie to you-‘

‘You’ve been training this whole time, haven’t you? I can see it in the way you hold that gun, in the way you’re not afraid to confront me! …your father knew I was dangerous…that im different to other people my age...’ he says, his chest heaving in frustration as his mouth runs ahead of him, the conflicted thoughts that he’d always had about his purpose in the world beginning to medal with his speech, and beginning to expose the truth he’d tried for so long to hide from the young boy.

‘I don’t play like a child, I don’t talk like a teenager should…you should have stayed away from me when your father first told you to…I’m not good for you-‘

‘Seunghyun, what are you talking about?’ his friend calls, seeming just as innocent as he always had, but he could already feel the bloodlust raising within him, the control he’d tried to suffocate for the past few years he’d known the boy, but already…he knew it was too late.

‘He made you train so that you could deal with me if you had to…so that if it came to a fight between you and me, that you wouldn’t end up dying in the process. …but as much as I can tell you’ve been training, that to some extent you have been following his orders…I can tell that you’ve felt regret for betraying me-‘

‘What are you-‘

‘Its in the way you hold your gun,’ Seunghyun begins, the adrenaline thrashing within him, itching in his veins, begging him to pounce, to take pride in the slaughter that he so desperately craved.

‘You’re 12, its too heavy for you to hold properly to get a good aim, so you hold it in a way that makes it look as if you would actually shoot, when you wouldn’t be able to without getting knocked onto your ass. You’ve come to within 20ft of me, and if you would have been obeying by the general rule of thumb given by attack and defense with weaponry in combat, you’d have stopped 30ft away, to allow enough distraction and obstacles to obstruct any attack on yourself- especially given your inexperience with arsenal. …If you’d really been wanting to train, you’d have paid attention to the rule of making sure you had back-up, the rule of keeping your eye on the target, the rule of checking your bullets before you engage in attack-‘

‘…You would have made sure, you didn’t get distracted by your target.’

The boy could only gasp as Seunghyun rips the gun from his hands, throwing it into the undergrowth of the forest without looking, before launching at the boy he’d used to call his friend, but was now only another obstacle in his escape. The way his body hits the ground is satisfying, his chest feeling lighter with the anticipation of freedom coming from the images in his mind of disposing of the boy, his momentary pause allowing his friend to get back to his feet and rush back at him, managing to tackle his waist for a second, but Seunghyun’s quick reflexes allow him to disable the attack so that he could shove the boy to the ground hard, kicking him in the ribs before dropping on top of him and pinning him in place, not paying any attention to the whimpers of pain that escape him as he battles with the whisper in his mind that told him to end it all.

‘I was born to kill. Everything in me, every thought, ever muscle I have begs for the sight of blood, I was thrown out by my own family after they found out I killed our pet dog, so don’t…don’t ever try to attack me…because believe me, I wont hesitate in killing you.’ He pants, his whole body practically vibrating with the restraint he was showcasing, and he has to bow his head momentarily against the ache that grapples at his brain causing his hand to grip tighter to whatever part of his friend he was holding.

‘I promised you once…that I’d never be in your father’s gang…that I’d never train to be an assassin…that I’d never kill other people, ….and I stand by that. I’ve battled that part of me for too long not to keep going now.’

‘I refuse to hurt you. I love you like a brother, and the thought of anything happening to you is too much to bear. But I have to escape this place…before your father makes me really hurt anyone…please…don’t look for me, …Kyung-ie.’

The other boy had become still beneath him, and Seunghyun knew he had stunned him with what he’d said- after all, how often is it that you learn your friend was actually a killing machine. But despite his apparent awareness of the situation, its not until he gets up and lets go of his friend, backing away a little whilst watching him in case he was stupid enough to make a move, that he finally feels the blood-lust release its grip on him.

He leaves him laying in the rotten leaves, face pressed to the earth, and arms laying slack at his sides, the image almost convincing Seunghyun that he was dead, if it hadn’t been for the way his shoulders shook slightly as he cried, the sound of his quiet cries being muffled into the ground.

The sight of his friend crying was enough to make Seunghyun turn away, the deep breath he draws in allowing him to stabilize himself, and for the panic of escape to reinstate itself in him, before he begins to run again, only just making it 30 yards away, before he hears the sound of leaves brushing against fabric and the safety being pulled off of a gun behind him, and without a thought he pulls his rifle into his arms and spins, shooting the instant he caught sight of the person aiming back at him…

‘You check downstairs and I’ll go up. Keep your head down and do everything you can to get Seunghyun out. He comes first, okay?’ you mutter to Jihoon, taking his silence as an okay, but just as you go to head for the staircase before you, keeping your face parallel with the floor so that no-one would question the obviously make-upped face of an officer, he grabs your wrist and you snap your head to look up at him.

‘Be careful, okay? Jiyong will kill me if-‘

‘Jihoon don’t worry, I’ll be fine.’ You whisper to him, shooting him a reassuring smile before quickly making for the stairs and slipping from his grasp, not helping the eyeroll you do at his over-bearing need to take care of you so that he didn’t get shouted at.

The first bit of trouble you encounter is the guard positioned at the top of the stairs, the quick bow he does to you thankfully signalling that you were of a higher position than he, and so you simple bow your head back to him before proceeding toward the first corridor. However, before you enter it, he’s speaking up and you freeze in your progress.

‘Uh…sir? …weren’t you meant to check in with the boss now? Its protocol for you to do so after a perimeter check.’

You don’t know what to do, the information helping you assess that you were obviously headed in the wrong direction and so you instantly turn to head in the direction of one of the corridors that sat opposite. However, when you realize you’re face with the option of 3 huge doorways, you cant help but hesitate, and the brief pause causes the guard to become suspicious.

‘Ah…yes,’ you begin, trying to deepen your voice as best you could whilst keeping your head down, but the sound of the guards approach has your heart racing with nerves as you run through numerous plans in your mind…only to come to the decision that the simplest would be the easiest.

Just when he was within reaching distance, you spin back and throw your leg up and out, catching him in the chest and winding him, before moving quickly to kneel over him and press your finger and thumb to his jugular, covering his mouth with your other hand and panting quietly as you wait for him to lose consciousness. As soon as his eyes close and his struggles slacken till he’d assumed a ragdoll form you stand silently and proceed to drag him to the opening of the furthest corridor, thanking the lord that there was no-one down there as you dump him just out of sight, before turning to assess the rest of the doorways, only to catch sight of a man beginning to walk toward you from the corridor opposite, the realization that he’d been stationed outside of one of the rooms being stored in the back of your mind as you begin to approach him with your head angled down.

‘Whats going-‘

You’d lost patience for trying to maintain a façade.

The minute you get close enough to him you force your elbow into his temple, instantly thrust your hand up into his throat as well, and sighing thankfully as he collapsed to the floor without much effort, the thud of his body worrying you slightly with how loud it was, but you don’t give it much thought as you quickly march past him, taking in how quiet and barren the corridor was and feeling your gut backing up what your subconscious thoughts had already decided.

Unsure as to why you do it, you knock on the plain white door that had been being guarded, greatly hoping your gut wasn’t wrong as you hear silence linger within, before the sound of slow, unsure footsteps begins to grow progressively louder from within, and just as you hear whoever it was hesitate in opening the door, you decide to speak up.

‘Seunghyun.’

It was like some kind of password system that children have when they’re young, because the second you speak his name, there’s a frantic scratch against the door and without hesitation it opens to reveal a familiar face…one that you hadn’t decided was good or bad.

‘Thank God. I thought it was him again! What are you-‘

‘Where’s Seunghyun?’ you cut Kyungil off instantly, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind you, not giving the other man chance to answer before you spot the older man laid on the floor in the corner of the room, his eyelids flickering as though he were having some kind of seizure sending you running over to him instantly.

‘What the hell-‘

‘He’s fine. He’s been like this for the past hour. I don’t know what-‘

‘What the HELL have you done to him!?’ you shout at Kyungil, your rage getting the better of you as you stop patting uselessly at Seunghyun’s lifeless body and turn to attack the other man, a desperate need within you to understand how to help the older man causing you to rush Kyungil back against the wall with your hand at his throat, his own hands remaining uselessly at his side as he stares at you in amazement, surprise, and slight confusion and fear.

‘Nothing! I haven’t done anything! I asked him where we were cause he had spoken to the guy before…and-and he started telling me about his childhood, and then I asked about the boy- because you know about the boy, right? – and-‘

‘Damnit.’ You mutter as you release Kyungil once more, looking over your shoulder at Seunghyun and quickly approaching him once more to check his vitals, your heart clenching in your chest at his extremely fast heartbeat and the sweat pouring from his head.

‘I didn’t know what to do, and nobody whose come in to check on us has bothered to help. They just keep telling me to inform them when he wakes up-‘

The fear and worry in the other man’s voice convinces you that he was telling the truth without you even having to interrogate him, but even as you stand to confront Kyungil and to explain the situation as it stood, you heard voices emerging from within the corridor, and you immediately realize your time was up.

‘Grab him. We have to get out of here.’

Kyungil follows your instruction without a second of hesitation, obviously being just as conscious of the loss of time as you were, and you’re thankful when you see the ease he lifts Seunghyun with, holding your friend securely on his shoulder before turning to you for further instruction. But before you can say anything, the footsteps are stopping outside the door and everything falls to silence.

‘Behind the door.’ You mouth to Kyungil, not breathing as he silently glides over to behind the entryway, the realization that it would be just you facing whoever was outside causing adrenaline to flood your veins and without thinking you’re slinking into a defensive pose, your breath hitching as the door handle is suddenly turned.

You attack, assessing as you move. Three men are down with the use of your gun and one with a vicious attack to his groin and throat within seconds, leaving the corridor empty(ish) once more, before you signal to Kyungil to follow you, pausing as you peer out of the doorway, and proceeding to sprint back the way you’d come.

It was your luck that the minute you entered the landing space, Seunghyun’s ‘father’ was exiting from another corridor, his gaze locking with yours the second the two of you pause with the sudden moment of confrontation.

‘…and who might you be?’

His leer has you lifting your head proudly to glare at him, completely dismissing the officer disguise as you remove the hat you’d been wearing, allowing your hair to fall over your shoulders in a bad ass way as you lift your chin.

‘Someone you really don’t want to mess with.’ You answer, observing the smirk that flashes onto the man’s face and sneering in reaction, causing the other man to raise an eyebrow in surprise before a group exiting the corridor behind him catches your attention and you spy a familiar face.

It was the woman whom had taken Seunghyun in, her face now appearing much more aged compared to the one that was stored in Seunghyun’s file, but her unnervingly kind smile was enough for you to know instantly who she was.

‘Well…whoever you are. …I’m afraid I cant let you go with Seunghyun here. I have some unfinished business with him that I really should settle-‘

‘Don’t waste your time. …I suggest you let us leave now, before things get really messy.’ You advise, being able to see the way your interruption aggravated him, but with one nod of his head you sense the approach of one of the guards that you’d heard surround the group as you’d come to a halt before the man, your instinctive response being to disable him, and within the space of two seconds you were facing back towards Seunghyun’s father once more, the lifeless body of one of his guards at your feet -and you have to attempt not to feel pride from the look of shock that takes over his expression.

Although any pride you did feel, is quickly smothered by fear soaked adrenaline with the next words out of his mouth.

‘Seize them.’

Its just as you fall into a crouch with Seunghyun half pressed to your back as Kyungil mimics your movements, that a loud gunshot rings through the room, casing everyone to freeze as they all look around to see where it had come from…

…but you could already tell from the look of pale shock on the man’s face closest to you, who was responsible.

The guard’s body falls to the floor to reveal the emotionless face of your lover behind, his unexpected presence instilling a thrill of relief to run through you despite the situation you were in, but you force it not to show on your face as you lock eyes with him, both of you acknowledging that the other was still alive, before you watch as he slowly drops his arm holding the gun to his side and straightens his jackets before turning to finally address Seunghyun’s father.

‘So…you’re the piece of shit that thinks he controls Seunghyun.’

It was not the greeting the other man was expecting. He bristles immediately at the attack, scoffing at Jiyong’s boldness and sneering as he looks between the two of you, obviously having seen the look you’d shared and assessing that you were both part of the same group.

‘I think you need to learn who you’re speaking to before calling me a-‘

‘Oh, I am fully aware of who you are.’ Jiyong cuts him off, the rudeness appearing to infuriate the other man, but despite Jiyong appearing to have the upper hand, you were still aware that in terms of man power, your gang was outnumbered, the realization causing you to keep watch of everyone very carefully, reaching behind you subtly to lay a hand on Seunghyun so that you could reassure yourself that Kyungil was still there.

‘However, if you would have done your own research, if you would have learned who you were messing with before you sent for Seunghyun, you’d know who I am. …You’d be afraid right now, instead of running your mouth like some stupid bastard with no sense of death even when its staring you in the face.’

His words have a shiver racing up your spine, partially from the fear that his threat incites, and partially from the feeling of power that he holds whilst speaking, the sight of him speaking them and glaring at the other man with a look of sure death causing your stomach to flip in arousal- although its not enough to distract you from the precarious situation you were in.

‘You seem to think a lot of yourself, Little man.’ The other man responds, his pitiful attack collapsing with the audible tremor in his voice, and its as you watch Jiyong glance behind the man as the woman appears that you catch sight of the moment of recognition, locking eyes with him when he glances at you to confirm, and nodding your head subtly.

‘What have you done to him?’ Jiyong asks suddenly, completely disregarding the other man as he addresses the woman behind him, her head snapping toward Jiyong when he asks the question and the move immediately answers your questions of whether she was the correct person.

‘Me? I haven’t done anything-‘

‘Don’t bullshit me. I know who you are…I know what you do. Now, tell me what you’ve done, or-‘ Jiyong begins to threaten, but before he could finish she’s speaking up, her quiet voice somehow cutting his off as the lilting tone seems to send tendrils of darkness into the room.

‘All I’ve done is made him remember. …there is no harm in remembering your past, …Jiyong.’

You tense as she speaks his name, the way she takes a step toward him revealing just how bold she was, how utterly, fearlessly power she seemed to understand herself as being. But as she makes to approach Jiyong you see the way Seunghyun’s ‘father’ eyes his men, attempting to subtly prepare them to take you and the rest of your group down, and with a single glance behind Jiyong to Seungri, Daesung, and Youngbae where they’d been stood watching the interaction, flickering their gazes toward you with your minor movement, you signal that it was time to defuse the situation in the only way you knew best, and you take a step forward, halting the woman in her footsteps.

‘Stay away from him, you bitch.’

That was when all hell broke loose.

As he stared, shocked, back at him, its only the fear of impending death that allows the other boy to remain stood, the silent cry of pain that screams from his open mouth sounding like a shriek in Seunghyun’s mind, and he immediately begins sprinting back to him, leaping through thorns and fallen trees to skid to his side as he crashes to his knees, collapsing into Seunghyun’s arms as soon as the older boy reaches him.

The blood continued to ooze from his chest, at first slow, and then rather rapidly, despite the way Seunghyun holds tightly to his friend, willing time to turn itself back; for the bullet to never have left his gun,…for his friend to have listened to him. He hated the whispers of satisfaction that echoed from the back of his mind, running on the high of the kill, screaming in anguish at them to shut up as he felt his heart being ripped from his chest, his own disbelieving sobs wracking brokenly from him.

‘Kyung! Kyung!’ he began to shout, over and over, his own voice sounding far away in his mind as his fingers gripped at the boys back, forcing his chest against his own as he hugs him, the tears that roll down his cheek staining the boy’s shirt, and the realization has Seunghyun quickly pulling back, knowledge of first aid slowly being dragged to the forefront of his mind as he lays Kyung gently on the ground and rips open his shirt, removing his own to press harshly against the open wound to try and staunch the blood…

….only for a weak hand to come up and grab ghostingly at his wrist.

‘Its too late.’ The younger boy croaks, his breathing already appearing laboured as Seunghyun looks hesitantly down at him, his eyelids attempting to remain closed as he peers down at his friend, and his mouth ends up hanging open uselessly as he stares at him in sad disbelief.

‘No…N-no, its not. …I know what to do- I just- I know what to do, Kyung-ie…I wont let you die-‘

‘Hyung.’

The broken whisper of his friend has Seunghyun keeling over his body to rest his forehead against his stomach, the broken sobs that get muffled against the boys shirt causing Kyung to force himself to raise his hand to pat the back of his older brother’s head, sight becoming blind as tears blind him, and oxygen struggles into his lungs.

‘I cant let you die-‘ Seunghyun groans quietly as he lifts his head once again, hands still pressing tightly to the bullet wound in the vain attempt at saving his friend’s life…despite knowing it was already over.

‘Its okay, Hyung. …I don’t blame you…’ Kyung whispers raggedly, a few harsh coughs escaping him as blood begins to fill his lungs, and each cough was like a knife piercing Seunghyun’s heart as he determinedly presses harder against his friends chest, his hand that was still on his wrist squeezing gently in a silent plea for him to stop…to listen to what he was saying.

‘You were right…he did want to turn you into a killing machine. …that’s why I promised you I’d never train with you…cause I didn’t want you to be that, I didn’t want you to stop being my friend and turn into some mechanical assassin that answered to everything my father demanded…’

Seunghyun stares at his friend as he whispers the words that only made his heart hurt more with their truth, his tears drying on his cheeks as his eyes begin to feel like they were full of sand, and he slowly removes a hand from his chest to hold his that was clutching weakly to his wrist, telling him silently that he was sorry…that he was listening.

‘I had no choice but to train. All father went on about was how much stronger and smarter you were than I…and-…I wanted to be like you, …so I trained without telling you….im sorry…’ Kyung whispers, the quieter his voice got, the more Seunghyun’s stomach dropped with the impending inevitable end, and he can only shake his head back at his friend to tell him it didn’t matter, not trusting himself to speak when he knew he’d only cry once more.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

The broken, barely audible, question has a sob escaping Seunghyun as he raises the hand he had joined with Kyung’s to his mouth, crying softly against it for a moment, before attempting to pull himself together as he realizes the vicious whispers in his mind had fallen silent with the realization of what he’d done.

‘I…I didn’t want you getting involved…in that side of me. …I didn’t want to damage you…you’re so innocent…you’re a child,….you were-‘

He hesitates, catching himself on the way he’d already slipped into using past tense and grimacing against the words, before opening his eyes to see his friend smiling sadly up at him, his face much more pale than it was moments ago, and the sight has the words falling from Seunghyun’s mouth without him even needing to try.

‘You are my friend. …and I was scared you wouldn’t be if you knew.’

Its only a small squeeze on his hand that Seunghyun receives in response to his honesty, but for him it meant everything; it meant it wouldn’t have mattered; it meant he still would have loved his brother even if he had known; it meant he was sorry for not being there for him;…

…it meant goodbye.

‘Keep your promise…I believe in you, Hyung.’ Kyung whispers, dragging in a scratchy breath before descending into a cacophony of gurgles and coughs, Seunghyun crying silently as he clutches his friends hand, letting the sound of him dying suffocate him into a moment of blankness, the whispering voice roaring over him once again...

…but quickly being silenced by the sound of Kyung’s final breath.

It was all over.

20 minutes later she found him, one boy keeled over the body of another, hesitating as she approached him, and pausing when she comes to a stop 5ft from the trail of blood that had ran from the scene, wanting to escape the devastation that had been caused.

When she first touched his shoulder he’d reacted like a wild animal, starting back and lashing out to get her to back up, one hand instantly reaching behind him for some invisible device which she’d later realize was the gun that had been thrown to the ground some ways back. But the second the young boy recognizes the face of a stranger, the worry and concern evident in her eyes as she looked him over for any signs of harm, he was slowly pulling himself toward her, sniffling as he went until he collapsed into her open arms, the need for comfort obvious in his grip, and causing her decision to be obvious.

And with him clutched in her arms, she stands up whilst holding the young teenage boy, and proceeds to take him to safety.

SEUNGHYUN

‘Come on! Stay with me! You cant die on me, just-‘

‘Seunghyun?’

The way the younger boy states his name as if he hadn’t just told him goodbye- as though he was okay again- has Seunghyun’s spine straightening in surprise, the tears that were clawing at the backs of his eyes that hadn’t cried in almost 10 years, pausing in their wonder as he truly observes the young boy laid in his arms.

‘Seunghyun?...Its me.’

All his breath escapes him as the image of the small child that was had been his first friend melts away before his eyes, leaving Kyungil, wounded and bleeding in his lap, his expression as he stares up at him; the sad smile, and the caring eyes, having Seunghyun choke on the plea to stay alive that had been about to escape him.

‘H…How?-‘ he asks instead, arms still clutching tightly to the man, Seunghyun’s care for him being so obvious at this point that he doesn’t have it in him to pretend at that moment…not after everything that had happened.

‘What do you mean, how?...you were knocked out for the entire fight.’ He chuckles, pausing to cough painfully, and Seunghyun cant help but pull him more securely into his lap, remaining unaware of the room of people around him who were watching the interaction whilst bodies littered the floor.

‘But you were just…you were him-‘

‘I thought you might have thought that. After seeing you talking to the bush the other night, and listening to your story about your childhood best friend earlier…it somehow made sense.’ Kyungil whispers, smirking up at him, but the usual sparkle was dulled by the obvious pain the man was in, but despite wanting to help, needing to stop him from hurting- or worse- Seunghyun couldn’t see any sign of a serious wound.

‘What-what happened? Why are you-‘

‘Someone tried to shoot at you in the fight- which you conveniently missed, by the way-…but I was holding you after we’d tried to run- before we’d ran into your father-‘

‘That man isn’t my-‘

‘Right.’ Kyungil cuts him off quickly, smiling tightly in understanding, before going on, ‘…but when they started shooting at you, all I could do was cover you...’ he wheezes, smiling proudly at his own actions as Seunghyun lifts him gently to smooth his hand over his back, choking on a sudden sob when he feels the indentation of a bullet on the bulky frame of the man laid on his lap.

‘Seunghyun….its okay.’

It was like the nightmare was repeating itself with his words, a sick feeling beginning to line Seunghyun’s stomach as he clutched Kyungil tighter in his arms, closing his eyes against the impending outcome of this story that he’d come to know all too well.

‘You’re going to die because of me…because of what I’ve done-‘

‘Excuse me? You cant take the credit for all of this! This one’s mine.’

He laughs through watery eyes at the younger mans argument, feeling like laughing was the only thing he could do in the moment without sobbing at the injustice of everything, only then managing to glance up to see Jiyong and Y/N staring over at him from across the room, the expressions filled with concern and pity as they watched his tears fall, his want to hate them for their easy lives in that moment, being distant compared to the exhaustion and fear he felt after remembering everything and finding himself facing the story once more.

‘Please…please…don’t die on me. …I cant do it again…I cant-‘

‘Seunghyun-?’

‘I know its not the same…I know you’re not him … but I cant watch some I love-‘

‘Seunghyun?-‘

‘I cant watch someone I love die because of me again…I cant-‘

‘Hyung?’

Its that word, that eerily, heart breakingly familiar word, that has Seunghyun finally paying attention to Kyungil staring up at him, the way he raises his hand to clutch his on his chest causing Seunghyun’s heart to clench in his chest as he stares down at the beautiful man staring back at him.

‘The bullet just nicked a rib, you pabo. …I’m not going anywhere.’

He sits, stunned, for a moment, simply staring at Kyungil as he watches him slowly push himself into a sitting position, wincing and clutching his side quickly, and from this angle Seunghyun can clearly see the bullet wound on the younger man’s side, a blush creeping up his cheeks as he sees that the wound wasn’t hugely serious, and that Kyungil, indeed, wasn’t dying.

‘I thought-‘

‘You said you loved me.’ Kyungil cuts him off, turning his head to peer over his shoulder at Seunghyun, his usual warm, yet mischievous, smirk lingering on his lips as he raises a questioning eyebrow at the older man, and Seunghyun can only stare at the other man as he sat before him, his eyes full of life and his cheeks full of colour.

‘Is that true?’

It takes a moment, the question swimming around Seunghyun’s heart as he searches for those malicious whispering voices that had been such a part of him before, the absence of them only filling him with calm as he stares back at Kyungil, slowly accepting the fact that he was really there before him, that he was really okay, before lunging forward and wrapping his arms around him, not caring for the other people in the room as he lets himself believe that he was okay…that they were both alive…

And despite the humour-filled quip that the other man wheezes out at the actions of Seunghyun, he still ends up with his own arms clutching him tightly back.

‘Aish!...Mind the bullet wound, …im fragile at the minute.’

(THE END)

Confused? Thought so! ;) Epilogue coming soon

#bigbang #bigbang fanfiction #bigbang scenarios #bigbang mafia #bigbang fluff #bigbang smut #bigbang angst #choi seunghyun #kwon jiyong #dong youngbae #kang daesung #lee seungri #T.O.P #GD #Gdragon #Taeyang #daesung #seungri #choi seunghyun fanfiction

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xseniaxgorex · 5 years ago

Text

yesterday fucked me up

i spent my morning panicking then bein handcuffed on my bed to be taken to my fuckin living room & these cops had the fuckin nerve to be a dick and ask me “why are you crying like that?” bc im panicking asshole, they handcuffed me bc i wasn’t talking while i was having a whole ass panic attack , if you literally kno me i cannot TALK if im having a panic attack my mind is all over the place i hear you i can’t process what’s going on my mind goes stupid I shut down ive had so much bs happen to me bc i can’t talk & ppl take it the wrong way

& this only happened bc me & my mom we’re going at it in the mornin bc last night i asked her if she could move my sisters car literally jus move it forward while i get myself in the garage & she pretty much told me go look for parking somewhere else who gives a fuck if there’s an empty garage that no one is using go park far as fuck. & i parked in the red & i told her if i get a ticket im not going to pay for it.

& the only reason why i wanted to park in the garage was bc i didn’t want to wake up in the morning to move my car i wanted to sleep in i worked that day i was off the next day i wanted to sleep in ive been sleeping like shit lately so i was mad I knew if i left my car in the red she was going to bug the shit out of me in morning bc it only mattered to her bc i said she would pay for the ticket if i didn’t say that she wouldn’t have bugged me as she did in the morning so of course i was passed & talking shit & my stupid sister decided to get in it. pretty much tried to talk shit on me bc i lost my car but i came back at her & said atleast i got a new one without mommy’s help atleast i can drive & move a car out of the garage driveway & she got mad bc i literally told her off she started crying & she decided to call the cops to feel on top of this whole bullshit. i got mad & said she’s acting like my mom bc i got mad that she were both surrounding me room door to talk shut while i was inside but i came put & she closed herself in the room i don’t take shit talking behind doors behind a fuckin computer screen ect. I wanna talk shit SAY IT TO MY FUCKIN FACE. She got mad because i got in her face & was louder & was saying the fucking truth if this was the other way around & my sister came home & saw my car in the drive way & knew there was NO ONE using the garage she would told my mom & she would’ve bugged the shit out of me until i got up to move my car for her i kno that for a fact.

earlier that day too i saw that tweet of the whole kidnapping shit & i got paranoid bc i was on my lunch in my car & there had been a van parked behind me my whole lunch he wasn’t waiting for a parking spot he was parked behind me so i panicked & left my car earlier to wait for my lunch to end inside my jobs break room & i realizes that in a panick i locked myself out the car & luckily my manager was cool with me trying to open my car after i clocked in from my lunch so like anyone the first person you wanna call is your parent for help especially since i live with my mom inexpected her to help me out i asked her to bring my spade & she hits me with go ask your boyfriend to. So i hung up & i felt like shit i expected help bc i know if it was my sister she would’ve got her spares & dropped them off no hesitation so bullshit remarks. So i panicked again & bc of my manager she gave me an idea to take a hanger & it worked but i had a reason to panick about that guy in the van he took a picture of me he was in his van with his phone out & i saw his camera on the screen. The whole time i was trying to get into my car he was there & it sucks cause i made myself feel worse i made things worse for myself. So me going home that night after that it made me feel like shit for my mom to continue to pretty much not give a fuck about me. & it sucks bc it was my sister who posted that tweet.

like it fuckin sucks bc if it was me & i heard my sister & mom arguing to move my car i would’ve came out to shut them up & to help my sister out bc i wouldn’t want her to park far. But it only shows how much my “family” cares.

all this was avoidable if they jus let me in the garage my sister called the cops for no point she tried to bring up the past to the cops on the phone so i was talking shit & saying but are you saying i get mentally abused & that I’m clinically diagnosed with depression & anxiety??????? that the only time I ever talk back & yell back is if im being treated wrong & being talked to in that tone??? Bc i want to defend myself?

like i literally was panicking in my room & the cops were trying to open my door.

before they came i almost started cutting myself bc i had enough of my mom & sister not giving a fuck when i heard the cops outside my room i panicked so bad i called my dad but he wasn’t picking up the only person i was on the phone with was ricky & when the cops came they took my phone way & hung up on him. the only thing keeping me from getting worse was ricky telling me he was on his way.

I was so scared i was in a ball hugging my cinnamonroll i didn’t want to fucking talk to the stupid cops my mind was to busy trying to understand why my own blood would do this to me make me the bad person when all i fuckin wanted was to park in the stupid garage no one was fucking using. They handcuffed me bc i was panicking & not talking they were trying to force me to talk when i could barely even breathe & they pulled me off my bed to handcuff me to jus walk me to the living room??? like why handcuff me to jus walk me to my sofa? i was not resistin at all i jus could not talk i could barely breathe. So then they started asking me if i had depression & if i take medication so then they called an ambulance bc i wouldn’t shut up & they told me that if i went with the abundance & take the medication they would give me they would remove the handcuffs so i panicked even more bc i can’t fucking even afford my own medication rn i can’t afford a fuckin ambulance so i was scared bc i felt like i had no choice i was still in panick bc i was still trying to process this whole bullshit situation

when the ambulance came im glad they showed up bc they were the only ones giving a fuck about my breathin & my hyperventilating.

& they were talking to me & i told my mom calls me crazy when i panic & pretty much everyone was on my side bc they knew i had a mental issues & that i don’t jus get like that for no reason i was triggered by my mom after me & my sister were fighting i went to the bathroom to pee & i heard my mom telling my sister calm down she’s jus crazy don’t bother with her.

like that’s what set off my panick attack bc im tired of this bullshit i can’t stand up for myself without being called crazy.

The paramedic lady went to my mom & told her not to say that to me.

when ricky showed up he was the one who calmed me down he got me a water he hugged me he does this cute thing where he breathes with me so i follow his breath taking & everyone was jus glad he showed up bc i calmed down he knows how to help me with my panic attacks

the same lady asked me if i still wanted to go & i said no, i really thought i had no option.

they also told my mom for permission for ricky to stay with me bc he’s keeping me calm. bc the whole time when he showed up she was telling them she didn’t want ricky in the House & even tho she said yes i didn’t want to be in this stupid house we left.

but then i decided to do laundry so i came back home bc that’s what i wanted to do yesterday that was my plan to sleep in & then do chores at home till ricky was off. but he decided to ditch work to come see me when he heard everything happening.

we spent the rest of the day snatching & drawing at the beach for like 4 hrs & then went to go get pizza.

i thought we were going to have the rest of a good day but we ended up getting pulled over while leaving down the street for not having the headlights on but my car is weird bc it’s a 90s car so we thought they were on. they handcuffed ricky & let me stay in the car & i started crying again bc i was completely sick of cops the rest of the day & for us to be dealin with one again jus triggered me again so i was crying. i was scared they were gonna take ricky they were trying to find illegal shit on us. When they stopped us i was asleep in the back bc panick attacks are draining so when i woke up i woke up bc i heard the cop on the speaker & noticed the lights behind us & they started flashing the light in my face & that’s when they told ricky to get out & handcuffed him. i was really gonna panick if they put handcuffs on me again.

i have a bruise on my left wrist from the unnecessary handcuffs they put on me yesterday mornin

& now im drinkin & smoking bc i feel depressed af & i don’t want to physically hurt myself i cried typing this shit out but fuck my mom & sister they are canceled I KNO I CANT COUNT ON THEM FOR SHIT.

my dad called me while i was getting my laundry stuff ready at home & i told him everything & he could not understand why they took it to the extreme & whythey did not jus let me use the garage for my car when it was empty. he then told me & this hurt to hear he said i don’t know why both gang up on you & why they treat you this way but know im always here for you you can’t count on me for anything , im going to talk to them jus calm down’ & i kept saying i kno that thats why i called you. My dad was the only who protected me from my mom when she would mentally beat down on me

i can’t stop crying i feel like shit

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iprefermyanarchycolorcoded · 7 years ago

Text

I wrote a short story

The buzz of the city was overpowering, being from the slums originally Adam had a hard time dealing with the noise of the business district outside of the rare occasion he would run a deal for Papa. It suited him all the more, people in the slums didn't have time for as much prejudice as common folk did. And having purple skin, black eyes, and two horns bigger than those on the goats head of a Chimera opened him up for plenty of slurs and attacks from the “Pure-breeds.”

However being here was a necessity albeit an extremely taxing one. If he was going to take on an entire Necropolis he needed first a Cleric that could be bought, and second as much holy water and godly paraphernalia (shiver at the thought) as he could get his hands on. And Vigil was exactly the place to find those, well hopefully.

“A few cold Iron golems wouldn't hurt on second thought.” He muttered to himself as he walked past the plethora of temples and shrines.

“Pharasma won't work. They'll have their hands on their symbols screaming holy obscenities before I can even get the word mummy out, can't do Caiden Cailen I would need 3 barrel's of Ale a day just to keep their short attention spans focused. Perhaps Iomadae?” Then he looked at himself and giggled a little “I'd wake up with my intestines as garters.”

Ugh he thought to himself Why does it have to be undead?! Why cant it just be goblins or even trolls although smelly trolls are rather easy once you show them you can fly on a cloud of fire. And Goblins may be stupid but they're not feral; shrink down so you don't look like a “Longshank” and throw em some meat, you'd have more than enough time to sneak out with whatever you needed. My life couldn't be that easy though could it. Literally the one thing my spells are virtually useless against.

That's it! He thought I go to Irori challenge a cleric he loses in a caster's duel, as he almost objectively could not succeed and then I only have to pay him enough to cover basic wages. He worked his way to the market place and began to sift through his grimoire and choosing which spells to use to humiliate whatever poor “pure-breed” accepted his proposal.

Sitting down near the fountain he tried to focus but kept having his focus broken by the guards yammering In the nearby alley way.

“I'm not lying there are demons crawling all over the piss pen!”

“There is no way demons got into the city without raising some form of alarm or panic that's ridiculous.”

“Look I wouldn't piss on a rock and call it rain, i'm telling you I saw something trash that house and it wasn't human.”

It was then they seemed to notice Adam listening in on their stage whisper conversation.

“What are you looking at black-blood, take your demon eyes elsewhere or ill shove you in the dungeon.”

Adam really did try not to laugh, but sometimes arrogance has it's detriments. “Boys I hate to break it to you but I could erase you from existence before tea time and have your families believing you never existed before dinner.” He stood up and clapped his book shut somehow managing to make even that sound snooty.

He started to walk towards them muttering a few words they surely couldn't understand under his breathe. They began to draw their swords but as they did they herd a firm and distinctly feline voice aggressively meow in their direction. They turned and saw nothing completely missing the small scraggly ball of fur purring below their noses. They turned back just in time to see the fiend step into the air and disappear entirely.

“Damn wizards and their cosmic bullshit.” Egrin mumbled.

“You're just mad because Ellis ran away with that witch doctor.” Rinald chuckled immediately regretting as his face became the new perching spot for Egrins fist.

“Not cool man. You said you wouldn't bring it up anymore.”

Adam chuckled from a nearby rooftop honestly applauding their ability to enjoy simpleton life. If only the gods had blessed with stupidity. He let out a heavy sigh and began to run toward the piss pen, it was notorious for its smell because that particular part of the slums didn't have a water duct system for their waste like the rest of the city forcing them to defecate in select areas of the city. Although most of them were far too hopped up on Bloodbrush to pay attention and mostly just went wherever they had fallen.

The guards didn't go there much because of the smell leaving the area at the mercy whatever thug was the current “Owner” of the territory.

Detestable but unavoidable. Maybe its a good thing I was smart enough to get out. Not the time Adam, if demons are really running through the piss pen it wouldn't take long before people started dying or depending on the circumstance more were lured out into our plane.

Adam smelled his target long before he reached it. He pushed down the desire to turn around and forget all about this nonsense. It was practically a charity for him to look into this at all.

As soon as he hit the small cluster of huts that made up the neighborhood he could see most of the destruction, all of it was peculiarly... small. Not localized to one place but very small. One of the few times perplexed could be used to describe him. Unfortunately for him this was inopportune time to become lost in thought he didn't realize this however until a small crossbow bolt lodged itself firmly into his right shoulder.

“What in the 7 Pantheon is your problem?” he screamed immediately followed by a few arcane words giving life to a eagle in mid air who promptly removed the burden of the crossbow from the citizen. “Get you demon magic out of here fiend!” The small man shouted.

“Oh hush you spoiled cabbage patch.” It was just a local who had been spooked so there was no need for further education, ignorance leads to violence. It wasn't entirely his fault but he did need answers so he proceeded to half his eagle sweep the halfling up and pop him onto the roof next to him before the spell broke.

Popping out a finely crafted wand of his own making Adam spoke the command word healing the crossbow wound and then popping a few charges of the wand into the petite but filthy man next to him. Once he seemed satisfied by the healing the halfling calmed down and stopped his rather amusing attempts at threats.

“I need a rundown of what happened but make it fast and keep to facts. No conjecture or superstition. It wastes time and my small reservoir of patience.”

Struggling to do as Adam asked but giving it a valiant effort Heither tried to recall exactly what he saw and the best he could do, sticking to facts only of course, was to explain that sometime that morning a small hut towards the center of the cluster had begun to smell. More so than usual so a few of the Copper Viper Crew went to take care of it and they claimed to have seen 4 small ape like creatures fly out of the hut spewing fetid clouds from their mouths and destroying everything in their path. Oh also they were about the size of the halfling. Allegedly he added, a light burn to the small creatures pride.

“Do we know who lives in the hut?” Adam interrogated.

“A kid named Kugak and his parents, but they're juiced up most of the time on Ale and Bloodbrush so they aren't usually home.”

“How old is young Kugak?”

“I think he just turned 12? but I cant be sure he usually sticks to himself swiping books and scrolls from stands and libraries to read. I spoke with him once and he mentioned something about becoming a powerful wizard someday.”

“Of course he did. Wheres the hut?”

Leading Adam to the hut Heither couldn't help but be fearful for the kid. Muttering a few arcane words as Adam entered he was followed in by a small pack of wolves that Heither was absolutely positive were not there on their way to the building.

Confirming Heithers suspicion Adam became to speak to the canines. “Sweep the place, find the smell and bring them back here, and you kid get out here that spell isn't going to fool anyone besides those damn Dretches.” As he finished his sentence the wolves seemed to find the scent and dashed out of the room a rod in Adam's hand illuminating.

Simultaneously the wall on the eastern side of the building shimmered and faded as a young boy with green skin and very pronounced Tusks stepped out looking ashamed. “This isn't what I wanted im so sorry!” He stuttered as he broke out into sobs.

“Stop! You made a mess and you need to focus on cleaning it up. Tears are decidedly less necessary when you realize they'll only get you killed.” He grabbed him by the chin and lifted his face up. “Mother or father?”

“What?” The boy asked confused.

“Which one was the orc?” Adam asked looking at his features?

“M-my dad, it was a raid or something mom doesn't talk about it she just kind of drinks a lot.”

“Yeah, that'll happen, anyway what did you do?”

“I don't know I was-” Adam immediately cut him off.

“That's a steaming pile of horse shit, you were smart enough to get 4 demons from the abyss onto this plane you can piece together an idea of what happened.”

“There was a scroll, that this guy gave me. I was trying to ask him about magic because he said he was a wizard and he said I could use it and get enough money to get out of the slums.”

“You believed him?!” Adam asked as he smacked him on the side of the head. “Repeat after me, We do not accept strange magical items from men we don't know.”

“We do not accept strange magical items from men we don't know.” He managed to get out despite his lip getting caught on his fang.

“Good not hold this wand.”

“Ok-”

“NO!” WOP, he smacked him again. “Did you learn nothing?”

“Oh i'm sorry.”

“Dear Lords Child, what is your name?”

At this point Heither spoke up “This is the boy I was telling you-”

“Silence he is an able bodied individual he can speak for himself.” Heither shrank back into the background obviously irritated.

“Uh im uhm Kugak sir.”

“Kugak what?” Adam asked looking at the boy down his spectacles.

“Just uh, Kugak sir.” He said ashamed.

“Seeing the demeanor shift Adam changed the topic, ok where is the binding circle?”

“The what?” Heither and Kugak asked Simultaneously?

“You used a summoning scroll without a binding circle, of course you did,” Adam began to mutter to himself while walking around the building grabbing some small things out of his bag, “then again you weren't ENTIERLY at fault,” shooting Kugak a glance,

“So what are we gonna do?” Heither asked wondering if the Tiefling was all bark or not.

Running through his options Adam looked at the boys again. Seeing a hilt on Heither's side he asked him “How good are you with that sword?”

“I'm the best halfling in my clergy?” He said tentatively.

“Well that's not the worst thing i've heard today, whats it made out of?”

“Cold Iron I believe.” He pulled the blade out and swung it a few times, letting it whistle as it cut the air. “I've never actually checked, because I haven't actually used it before....”

“Oh heavens.” Adam thought to himself, he just might become religious if the day continued on much longer.

“You, do you know how to use a wand?” Looking at Kugak.

“You point and you say the right word, basically right?” Kugak asked.

“Good job kid, take this” He handed it to Kugak. However The child stared back tentatively.

“You said I wasn't supp-” Adam groaned hearing this.

“That's correct, hello my name is Adam and now we're best friends so take this and do as I say.” This time Kugak apprehensively took the small piece of wood from him. “Now point at that bottle and say firmly but respectfully, SMAAZ!”

The wand sparked to life in his hand, three quick red bolts flew out destroying the bottle. Kugak excitedly began to jump up and down. “I did it! I did something right!”

Had Adam not heard the wolves in the distance he would have allowed to boy the small triumph but this needed to be done shortly before the guard arrived.

“Ok listen, the spell that is chasing the dretches toward us is about to fail when we head out there Heither you and Kugak need to focus your attacks on one at a time. Its the fastest way to dispose of them effectively without a binding circle we'll have to dispose of them the old fashion way. The bolts will not miss as long as you stay focused on a single target. I will keep the rest as busy as I can while you focus them. Are you ready you pint sized little churls?”

Heither spoke up, “I mean no not really.” he was calming the tremors in his hands. “I'm assuming there isn't much of a choice in the matter since a demon is telling me what to do.”

“Watch it hopper.” He narrowed his eyes, Heither’s response to the slur was to also narrow his.

Feeling his spell fade he walked out into the slums the two small ones trailing behind him. Remember what I said and you probably won’t die. They stood in a line watching as not 4 but 7 small beasts with hairless ape like bodies came crashing to a stop about 30 feet in front of them. They began to raise themselves off of the ground focusing onto Adam and his compatriots. Clouds of yellow fetid air seeping out of their snarls as their lips curled over their broken and discolored teeth. Adam thought for a moment that maybe he should send the others back inside, the beasts claws were far more intimidating than he remembered. The patchy hair at least would give the boys the notion that they were unarmored. Seeing the trepidation in them Adam began to speak.

“Lesson 1, Dretches are entirely immune to electricity and poison and resistant to most other forms of attacks like most demons from the abyss. Therefore Stab and my shoot pint sized princes” He then flipped his book open and thumbed through some pages and the dretches zeroed in on the three of him. “Aha, I knew it was in here, sruzmy vorv wzrilqdy, oudzm,” As he finished the words he looked up from the page and watched as his spell took form. Below the creatures Red tentacles began to lift from the ground and wrap themselves around the beasts catching many but not all. “You know its quite satisfying using a spell you made yourself, im going to stand here and appreciate my handy work while you two do, WHAT I TOLD YOU TOO!”

Adams raised voice caused the others to spring to life, the Halfling sped forth launching himself into the nearest freed beast opting for a whirlwind of small attacks and enough agility to avoid most of the feral swipes instead of a frontal “Stand your ground”-esque strategy. as Kugak shouted with maybe a little too much gusto “SMAAZ.” Watching with glee as the targets found their mark right as Heither sunk his blade into the beast causing it to go limp. Two more immediately replaced it but Adam felt as though they could handle them just fine, if not he could always patch them up after. Pulling his crossbow out of his belt he wove another spell and watched as two large, maybe a little too large, snakes wove into creation. He would definitely have to look into the spell later to make sure it was cast properly.

Hearing a cacophony of command words and cackling from the two beasts attacking Heither he was surprised to see the green halfing moving with astonishing grace. Avoiding almost every attack without a mistep. Almost like the thieves he had seen in Cheliax. He watched as two of his snakes began to squeeze the life out of some the beasts he had snagged with his initial spell and aimed Tanglevine, his exquisitely crafted crossbow, at one of the ones desperately fighting with the tentacle prison he was in. He zoned in and let loose an enchanted bolt, hearing the magic sizzle as it made impact was always so satisfying. Watching the creature phase into another plane was just as sweet. Reloading he noticed that the other two were still dealing with their share of the problem.

Wanting to be annoyed at the delay he decided to focus on his task and let another bolt loose sending another one presumably into one of the elemental planes. That would be ideal anyway. Regardless he didn't care as long as they were out of the Piss-Pen before the Guards could be bothered to come help the poor folk. Finishing the other two he was strangely satisfied to see that the boys had completed their objective.

Releasing his spell in time to see the guard headed that direction he shouted out, “Hey you two over here now.” Grabbing both their hands he quickly muttered a few words and they were immediately in another part of town. “So, that went much better than expected, I was fully anticipating at least one lost limb.”

“Where are we?” Heither said looking around aggressively.

“Somewhere in Vigil i'm just not sure where.”

“We're near all the bars, we're still pretty close to the piss pen.” Kugak said head down again.

“How do you know that?” Adam inquired.

“Thats the tavern my mom gets drunk in.” He said pointing to a small building with a sign that said The Cornfed Maiden.

“Classy.” Adam said under his breathe. “Come with me.” He took Kugak by the hand and walked toward the tavern.

“No wait I don’t want to go in there, she doesn't like to see me.” He said digging his feet into the ground.

“Hmm well,” Adam fished around in his bag for a moment. “This bag has 50 Gold pieces in it, you have two options. You take it in there and hand it to your mother and tell her that a Wizard of great power has agreed to train you but you will be leaving and most likely not returning for years if not ever and that gold is for the cost of purchasing her son. In which case I will see you at the town gate at sundown. Or you take this Gold and do whatever you want with it and I never see you again. The choice is yours and I hope you make a decision that you do not regret.” With that Adam turned around magically shifting his clothes into a hood and robes.

He got about fifty feet away before a small Heither runs up to him. “What was that? You can't just spring something like that on a kid and walk away like it's no big deal! You really are a demon.”

“You are incorrect on both accounts, first I am only partly demon, or rather tainted by demonic blood. Secondly,” and he stopped to look at the Halfling, “I absolutely can do this. I was born and raised in slums and I fought tooth and nail to get out. That child obviously has the potential to become something. Maybe not a Wizard but something. His mother doesn't care about him proven by the complete abandon that led to him literally opening a hole to the abyss into the middle of Vigil. If he comes with me I will teach him and train him and he will have the skills to do anything he wants in life instead of living in a literal pile of piss and shit waiting for the dysentery to set in. Now if you'll kindly excuse me I have to go find a Cleric willing to travel with a Tiefling.”

As he started to walk away Heither kept pace and asked “Wait why do you need a cleric, you obviously can handle yourself without any help? Also why did you ask for help you didn't need.”

“I didn't need it, but the boy did. The best way to deal with guilt is to actively do something to combat the wrong you did so I gave him that option. I asked you to help so I didn't have to hover over him and make him feel like he didn’t help.” He didn't want to mention that his motivations were also to see how well the halfling could handle himself in combat. “Speaking of, I forgot to get my damn wand back from him.”

“That's actually kind of … well kind.” Heither said astonished.

“Of course it is, everything I do is well thought out and flawless.”

“You are also incredibly humble.” Heither muttered with heavy sarcasm.

“Humility isn't needed when you can shape the fabric of reality with a few words.” Adam retorted.

“I disagree pretty heavily but back on previous points, why do you need a cleric?” Heither retorted.

“Why are you asking?” Adam said stopping, trying to not let satisfaction hit him before it was appropriate.

“Because I may know of one interested.”

“I need to hire one to accompany me into a Necropolis to recover an artifact I need.”

“Necropolis?”

“A city overflowing with undead creatures and energies.”

“And you just expect a Clergy member to fawn over your prowess and fall head over heels in love with your quest.”

Continuing to walk Adam replied “I'm no fool, I intend to pay them as well as make a heavy donation to the church of their choosing out of the loot pulled in the Necropolis.”

“What if I told you I recently finished my magical training and was interested in accompanying you if for no other reason than to make sure you feed the kid regularly.”

“I would say that these were a very fortunate series of events for me.” His hood hiding his smug facial expression.

“And how do you know Kugak is going to be at the gate at Dusk?”

“Because I could smell the ambition on him, partner. So go get your stuff together, leave this as a donation so your church doesn't get a belly ache and- You don't worship Pharasma, Iomadae, or Caiden Cailen? Do you?”

“Sarenrae actually.... Why?

“Oh no reason” Adam looked at the Halfling suddenly excited for the first time in a long time to be traveling with someone and said as he flapped his robes to the side spinning almost too dramatically. “See you at dusk!”

#short story #literature #pathfinder #Paizo #Fantasy

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becomingamermaid · 8 years ago

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me and my dissociating ass: Hasn’t had medicine for months, doesn’t know when i am able to get an affordable therapist again, nor anyone to really discuss what the fuck is going on, dissociating heavily for the past 3 days, ..pretty unsure if awake or asleep or even real, suicidal, depressed, mixed manic mood, visual hallucinations, unable to focus properly, and on the verge of a relapse

me:

I have literally been smiling and staring vacantly because my brain is doing the thing and I have to do other things but I can’t get over the first thing and mother needs me to do something and I can’t do it and I am probably n the verge of a panic attack. But ya know, yolo. I also need to start cooking for my brother’s birthday but I am pretty sure I am not 100% in my body right now.

I can’t describe it other than my nerves are sticky, like a sticky hand kids play with, you throw it and it sticks to the wall, and my arms are static..and disintegrating, melting into a puddle. I keep rubbing them but it feels weird. My head keeps floating but there is something at the roof of it.

I am well aware it is odd. It’s as odd as looking at chunks of the world missing. Not there. An absence of a corner. Or someone calls your name but no one is there.

I am mixing up words and have to reread more but it’s harder to catch.

It was easier when I had my dog before they gave her away. Now I tell myself I wake up to take care of my plant. Her name is Camilla and I have no idea what she is but I touch her soft rubbery leaves sometimes and enjoy their gloss.

“Hold on.” I tell myself, but I awake up everyday and I don’t want to. Less and less I am finding reasons to wake up. or excuses or whatever.

I think I got triggered by a memory. I remember I was never allowed to sit on mother’s bed (as I was told I would break it), even now, i hesitantly sit there and she quickly makes a move to get me off of it. Mother is never very comforting. I know I am starved for affection, but I would rather spurn it at this point. I don’t want it.

I remember I wasn’t really allowed to sit on the toilet for too long, I would break that too, I remember getting fussed at about it and when the toilet did actually break, I broke down. It wasn’t my fault, everything in this house is old. The plummer said it was indeed not my fault. Still I felt guilty.

Today marks my brother’s birthday. I am more his mother than his sister. I’m the only one who spends time with him, takes him places occasionally if I am up for it. It all started because my step father used lock us out. I was 13 with a baby and I had to find things for us to do. My childhood was spent taking care of my brother. I had no rest after school, depending on the daycare, right after I got off the bus I either had to walk there, stroller in hand, or catch a ride to the other one. Homework was spent beside him, feeding him, changing him, taking him places if I dared to go anywhere (and once my aunt fussed at me because I left her a note begging her to watch him for an hour because I had a book report and needed to go to the library). I couldn’t do that one again. The few pictures I have of me as a teenager, I always had my brother. I had to accommodate him.

There’s dried blood on the walls of the bathroom in the back, my mother’s bathroom. Unspoken rule is that I am only use it at night. My bathroom door does not have a lock or a knob and there is no way to close it from the inside. My sink does not work properly and the tub doesn’t always give the freshest cleanest water.

Should christmas been spent repairing this broken place? We wouldn’t have had the money anyway, not enough of it. And forgive me for wanting /something/ other than a reminder I live in a broken down decaying home on the poverty line. For once, I wanted something.

We live in a shit neighborhood, 2 murders up the street from my home in less than 6 months. 1 maybe a week ago. I do not go walking anymore. It’s not safe. Not anymore.

My court case comes up soon, next month so I’m hoping for a good ruling, even though the judge is known for being a hard ass, unpleasant, and not very understanding. I’m scared it wont lean in my favor. It’s been years now. If anyone thinks living off benefits is ~the life~. You are sorely mistaken. It’s hell. They put you through hell. They make it feel really bad, disgusting, worthless.

Maybe they aren’t all together wrong. Im tired of feeling guilty for my existence. I really don’t want to exist anymore. I’m tired. I started crying. 4 tears. Then I stopped. I don’t see the purpose anymore. Not of living or waking up or existing.

+2 tears.

I think what’s worse is not being pretty. I’ve lost over 100 pounds and it’s not enough, it’s never enough. I shouldn’t get happy of feeling bones sometimes, but I do. Wrist, collar, leg, pelvis. I can’t always feel them, but sometimes I do. I hate how much it gives me joy. I hate it. I love it.

I had a crush on this guy once, a friend of a friend. I approached the friend to ask him more about his friend, my crush. He told me point blank “you aren’t his type.” and I thought it was because I wasn’t convientally like everyone else. I’ve always been off or weird or in an “otherness” category. (i was one of the few high schoolers known as “miss” before my name). I was wrong. When I friended him on facebook I saw the kinda girls he liked. Small, petit, right size and figure, right curl pattern. lightskinned. It hurt. Normally if a guy approaches me, it’s generally over a friend. My then-friends, were the kinda black girls that were “acceptable”. Cute and pretty and glowing. Smart and talented and beautiful. Even now, Kase gets compliments and whatnot. Usually I get ignored in conversation. She even got a marriage proposal. Like ring and everything (funny, on a guy i had a crush on once long time ago at that) (not that she would accept the proposal, the guy is..., there is something about him I cant put my finger on. He’s a nice guy just...something’s..fishy)

I remember the childhood days of slimfast and skin bleaching and nose pinching by my emotionally distance, physically absent mother spliced with running outside. It’s weird when they had an abusive “put dents in the wall” or “he threatens me with a knife” type of fights and the next morning admit all the broken stuff, I would have to walk over it and head to school. It was weird having an alchol bottle broken and banished at me, and an hour later, I would go back to my friends talking with them on the computer.

It was weird when I had my mattress thrown out on the ground, told to sleep outside, and then later begrudgingly let back in the house suspiciousy before Mother got home. It was weird being locked in a room with no a/c with a live electric wire hooked to the metal door. Forced to suffocate until you decide, I’d rather die than stay any longer. I try not to recount the weird rules of my house, I couldn’t dance outside in the front. Do not open any blinds. My door had to be open. You don’t think about those types of things. I was never allowed to trick or treat. Life at home was hell, life out of home was hell. I wasn’t suppose to just sit here an remember these things. How the kids loved to throw rocks at me at school, big rocks that left bruises and welps. Or food.

I should not remember these things on my brother’s birthday. He, who was basically, my son. Who has been my son from the moment he took his first breath. He, who doesn’t remember I tore off a chair arm to defend him with as kid. He who would never know I came home and saved him from a wall socket while his father slept. He who would never know everything my 13 year old self did to protect him. He who would never know I ran each an every time his drunk father took him, a baby, without a car seat seat into the car and drove off. He would never know how many times again and again I ran to save him, even when my mother made me let him go. Or how hard I prayed he would make it home okay. Or how I made his bottles and one time scalded myself with hot water while his father came in and laughed. The phone was ringing, he needed to be changed, it was chaotic. He would never know I sat in the old rocking chair, now gone, and sang to him to get him to sleep. He would never know any of these things.

I was a mother way before my time. The gossip I remember from school was unpleasant. I think it’s how I learned so many comebacks so quickly. Delivered with cold apathy behind a book. I always had a book.

Anyway, I have things to do. I can’t sit and dwell on my thoughts. I’ll be sad or some such later. I always hate these gross thoughts spilling out. I don’t like thinking about the past. And my life in this hell.

I can’t afford to be emotionally compromised. But, my god, am I close to breaking

#sad mermaid bubbles #long post #idk what's in here but it's a lot #but my blog is all I got

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