#guess that means I'll buy a new one

[pseudophan]

first world problem to end all first world problems i've got a brand new phone (because my old one will kill itself if i dare update it so it's on ios 15.1 and half of my apps no longer work) but the idea of setting it up is so daunting it's been like a week and i'm still using the old one. i think phil would appreciate this issue i'm having, he would understand

[icewindandboringhorror]

finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh

[winterwrites23]

Update: took the tablet to Apple store and the guy wasn't even able to connect or restore the damn thing (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

When your Ipad has been stuck on the apple logo in a loop for over an hour and you can't do anything about it (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

[ratmonky]

have an inspection for my apartment tomorrow morning, my last day at my small ass uni apartment is today and i'll be doing my last bit of cleaning!!

i literally have nothing else in here other than my new laptop that i only do editing with so i spent last night and my morning just now writing lol

i've partially finished my dbd chapter (4k+ words atm) but it introduces another killer that the reader will be paired up with and the next segment is the michael myers' trial!! so my question is--- would you rather to have me post it now or after i've also written michael's trial? (might take a week or two to write and post michael's trial, if i post it now you'll have another chapter within the next month)

was gonna make a poll but i like to interact personally so let me know in the comments heh <3

i'll make it easy so you can copy paste your answers like this:

i waited 3+ years for michael i CANNOT wait any longer

i waited 3+ years for michael i can wait longer

[gxtzeizm]

well if you seeing me wearing this season's liverpool purple away kit that i've already bought yesterday, no you don't 🙃🙃🙃

[weaseltube]

i hate shoes

[lndsismaeverything]

Lnds reaction breaking the bed

An: hope y'all enjoy ꉂ(ˊᗜˋ*)♡

Not proofread and kinda bit awkward at writing smut is I can't really write smut.... ゜:(つд⊂):゜。

When the bed broke, sylus continue pounding into your tight pussy . You try to stop him

" s-sylus...ah- STOP the bed! " but you let it go, as you are too lost in the pleasure .The bed wasn't important right now, you are sylus though

Sylus groans as the both reached your high very soon. Coming deep inside you filling you up to the brim, letting his cum ooze out of you

Sylus breathes heavily , seeing the mess he made out of u and the state of bed . He chuckled loudly.

He pulled out of you slowly and lean towards you " hope this is rough enough for you , sweetie . We went too hard and broke the bed, again . " he whisper to your ear

Yes, you and sylus went so hard that broke the bed again

" what will the salesman think if we go to buy a new bed the 4th time this month?"

Feeling the blood rush towards your face , you smack his chest feeling embarrassed

When the both of you hear a crack both of you stop what you where doing .

You try to calm your heavy breath, and get off zayne . Slowly sliding off of him

Zayne hisses at the cold air hits his cock as slides off you warm cunt

Zayne inspect the bed as see a crack on the side of the bed it wasn't that bad is a small repair .

" this is an easy fix " you said bending down to inspect it

" it's no use to repair it. I'll just buy a new one. A sturdy one that won't break . Even when you're riding me "

" shall we continue on the rocking chair? "You just shyly nodded, zayne just took your hand and lead you to the living room where the rocking chair is

You guys where way in to it that y'all didn't hear the bed leg got broken. Too focused on reaching your high.

When the both of you guys settled down, Xavier dick still snuggle in your cunt. you notice the bed being a bit tilted.

" is it me or is the bed leaning down?" You asked Xavier. But all you hear are Xavier soft snores, he was too tired down and fell asleep and you soon joined in.

" so the bed did broke " Xavier hold one of the bed legs for you to see which you frowned.

" now we have an excuse to buy that super soft and ultra comfy bed on the advertisement ''

" if the bed broke that means the neighbor must have heard us" you said as now your thinking how you can face your neighbors without feeling ashamed and the fact that there will be a broken bed on the dumpster adding more fuel to the fire

When the both of u fell from a angle because Rafayel was trusting hard from behind you into ur tight pussy so rough because of how the whole bed shook two bed legs broke off

The bed might as well be a rocking bed at the time when Rafayel filled you up before the bed broke.

" are you hurt? " you hear Rafayel concern voice, checking for any injuries bofore gently lifting you up

" yea I'm ok but I think we broke the bed "you point at the bed, after hearing that Rafayel immediately turned to the bed looking at the two broken legs.

At first his ears reded feeling a bit ashamed for manhandling you but that quickly turned into confidence and feeling proud . Breaking the bed boosted his ego for sure.

" guess I was too good at making my cutie feel good that the bed couldnt handle it"

[kiddstellas]

28º C at night with 40ºC during the day should be illegal

[sacredsorceress]

Meet Cute with Logan Would Include... || Wolverine Headcanons

pairing: logan howlett (wolverine) x mutant!f!reader summary: you're a new teacher at the school and logan is interested in you from your first meeting a/n: i'm admittedly projecting with the fact that reader teaches history but just a little blurb because logan's been on my mind and i need to get work done <33 lmk if you want me to make this into an actual fic!! warnings: none, all fluff

masterlist | inbox | tip jar (ko-fi)

when you first arrive at the school as a teacher (and late blooming mutant) charles introduces you to logan

logan has a typical scowl on his face and glances at you up and down

so you begin to worry that you've worn the wrong outfit or presented yourself poorly and now an infamous wolverine dig is about to be thrown your way

but instead, he takes a puff of his cigar, and looks back at charles

"you have a rule about only recruiting good-looking teachers or something?"

and what an array of relief (and butterflies) do you get from that

"yes, very funny, logan. however, y/n here has a phd. I've brought her on to teach the students"

"yeah? and what's your "gift"?" (mutation)

he has a coy look on his face

"oh logan, that's a bit personal..." you said with faux seriousness. "buy me a drink first."

for the first time, you saw him smile. a chuckle reverberated in his chest.

"fair enough."

after that interaction charles escorted you out of the room but as you went, logan's eyes were trained on you.

intrigued, he took another puff of his cigar and smiled to himself.

on your first night there, once all the children have gone to sleep and all the adults have gone to their own rooms for the night you hear a knock on your door.

and guess who it is?

you hate to admit it but god, does he look so hot and suave standing in your doorway.

logan's hair is in a typical mess and his flannel has a few more buttons undone than it did this morning,

and although he's rough around the edges and not as necessarily openly friendly as the others, he exudes confidence- especially as he leans against your doorframe.

"you said i owed you a drink."

although he takes you to the diviest dive bar in town, you have such a good time.

after a little bit of awkwardness, the two of you found your footing and you end up talking (flirting) for hours

well, in actuality, you do most of the talking but boy does he like listening to you talk and watching your eyes light up while you laugh at some of your own stories

on the way back to the mansion, he opens the car door for you

"thank you."

"don't mention it" (he's blushing a little)

on the ride back he tries to be as smooth as possible, one arm draped over the passenger seat while the other rests on the steering wheel

he keeps taking quick glances at you as you hum along to the song on the radio and even though you just met he's already thinking about how he could get used to this

he walks you back to your room and as much as he wants to make another move (and you do too) he doesn't want to mess up your relationship before its even started

i mean, you're living in the same place?? what happens if you don't like it?? and you end up hating him?? now his suave demeanor has crumbled under the weight of realising this is actually real and not a game

"I'll.. uh... be down the hall if you need me."

"thanks, logan" you smile softly and he thinks its the first time anyone's done that in over a decade and meant it

when he starts walking down the hall, you call out in a whisper

"oh and logan!" you pause. "sweet dreams."

before he can say anything the door of your bedroom shuts

a stupid, silly grin coats his face so big that he rubs his hand across his cheeks in fear anyone would catch the big bad wolverine becoming a softie for the teacher he's got the hots for

although you've just met, you've got him wrapped around your finger and he can barely believe it

shoving his hands in his pocket, logan shakes his head and laughs on the way to his own bedroom

"fuck."

[windor-truffle]

HOLY SHIT IT'S REAL

@windor-truffle graces remaster!!!!!!!!

[i-am-creacheur]

making one of these because the world sucks and I need outside motivation to get better. I'm not popular enough to get any traction but I need help so I guess spamming welcome.

1 note: I start my Latin game project which is due like three days from now- complete!!!!

5 notes: I will text my crush along the lines of "hey we have a lot of teams and clubs in common but I don't anything about you. What are somethings you like" except less creepy- working up the courage.

10 notes: I will try to write more on my fics.- busy atm but will work on them when I can

20 notes: I will ask my parents for a birthday cake, because my birthday was two weeks ago and we were out of the country so I didn't really get anything (they said the trip was my gift but I think it was a joke) and I always get the same cake and my internal calender is now screaming in agony- they bought a lot of sweet stuff i like earlier today so I'm considering not asking. Or just asking for a cupcake with buttercream icing or sm

30 notes: do so much laundry- doing a load of shirts and stuff atm

40 notes: try to get better at taking care of myself (eating breakfast, showering more often, drinking more water)- put a water bottle on my desk and am working on this

50 notes: organize my mcyt folder in my photo gallery (has over 3k pictures)- I'll do this while procrastinating later today

100 notes: properly clean my room- laundry is a major part of this but yall swarmed the notes so it will take me a bit to reach. I mean I did say spamming was fine so I dug my own grave

200 notes: buy magnets from a fandom I really like

300 notes: buy more jeans. I only like certain kinds of pants and I haven't gotten new ones in like two years so I really need some that haven't been beaten to hell

500 notes: ask my parents for an adhd coach

700 notes: start properly planning my eagle project

1k notes: ask my crush out/tell my parents I think I like girls

2k: make three cosplays of my favorite characters

3k: start researching colleges (this is very stressful to think about for me hence why it is so high up)

Likely to add more 👍

[kichiyosh1]

An eternity with you: I'll choose you time and time again

Wanderer x fem!reader

You always seem to find your way back to him. What a troublesome being you are. Fortunately for you, he wouldn't be able to stop you either way. You're the one he chose, after all.

Crazy plot twist that will leave you baffled🫨(but i think i made way to obvious lol)

"What's that?"

You always noticed the charm wanderer had next to his Anemo Vision. It was in the shape of a Sumeru rose, a vibrant chrysalis purple that, when caught in the light, would shine like the glowing bioluminescent beaches of Tatarasuna.

"Someone... gave it to me." For a moment, you could see the nostalgic expression on his face as he caressed the precious gem. It's an emotion so rare for him to display that you're unsure if you should be amazed by this new expression or perhaps a bit uneasy. It's rare for anything to capture the wanderer's attention, and if you were to assume how much that charm meant to him then

"This someone must be special," you subconsciously averted your gaze, but the wanderer was quick to pick up on it. He adorned a sly smirk on his face before it quickly turned to one of amusement. He let out a small chuckle before his eyes began to soften.

You sure like to poke around in my past, don't you?" He sighed, unsure where to start from there, but he's determined to convey his feelings.

"This person showed me the true meaning of eternity, something my creator was always so obsessed with. She was able to give it meaning to me with just her simple existence. It'd be an understatement if I wasn't just a little bit fond of this person."

You regretted asking. The look of bliss and admiration on his face made you feel like the most insignificant thing in the world right now, next to his special someone.

"Where is this person? Is she still around? Are you searching for her?"

"I'm... not exactly actively seeking her out right now."

"Do you keep the charm to remember her?" at that he simply looked to the side, a sheepish expression on his face before he went back to neutral.

"I've never forgotten her. She was the one who forgot me. We've crossed paths but she has no memory of me. She can't even recall the time she gifted me this charm."

He said it with such a casual tone that it left you feeling appalled.

How could she?!

You no longer regretted asking, only feeling indignation for what he's suffered through.

"Wanderer..." you put both hands on his shoulders, startling him in the process. You were too caught up in the moment to even notice the creeping tint of red on his face.

"What are you—"

"Please forget about her!"

"Wait I—"

"You deserve better! Deep down inside, actually maybe we need to dig down reaaaally deep but I know it's there! Someone like you deserves to find your own happiness! So please!"

Tears were gathering at the rim of your eyes, and you couldn't tell if they were from wanderer's sad, tragic love story or from the fear that if you didn't succeed in persuading him to move on, there wouldn't be any place for you in his heart.

The wanderer was baffled; he didn't expect this much of a reaction from you. It made his chest clench with that same feeling she always gave him—the same feeling you always gave him.

He composed himself, awkwardly patting you on the back in a way to comfort you. "It's not that big of a deal you know. It's not like the story ended there." you just kept on adding pages

"Well, guess what." You didn't give him time to think before you started tugging him by his arm.

"We're going somewhere to get your mind off her. Oh, and we'll need to get rid of that charm. That way, you won't think of her anymore."

Unbeknownst to you, you were the one that gave it to him.

"I don't think that's necessary," he says, but he's smiling. Your worried and determined attitude made it clear that you cared about him, and he couldn't be any more grateful.

"Nonsense, I'll buy you a gazillion way better charms, so you can forget about this one." You glared and pointed at the item like it was the bane of your existence.

"If you're that insistent, then I want it handmade." His hands, though he's done this many times before in the past, trembled slightly when he properly grasped your hand in his.

"Alright." You grinned and he looked fondly at you in return

It was amusing how you got so worked up about, well, yourself. But at the end of the day, it's still you, isn't it? It will always be you, you, you.

"I'm more than content that you're still by my side."

Before he erased himself from Irminsul, he never would have thought he deserved a happy ending with you. Fate had a funny way of leading people on, and he was led like a moth to a flame. Maybe an eternity with you wouldn't be so bad. No, he didn't mind, as long as it was you he'd be spending it with.

His precious sumeru rose.

─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─

"Heh, you always have a peculiar way of coming into my life."

"Is this about how I sneaked into the academia?"

"Mhm, don't worry. I'll make sure to leave the door wide open for you next time."

[redpill-tfs]

Red Wave

January 1st, 2025

Yo, so I started this Red Wave trial thing today. The docs said it’s supposed to, like, make your brain work better or something. Was told to track my thoughts in this journal thing. Honestly, I’m just here for the cash. I’m not buying into any of their science-y shit. Took the first pill this morning. Feel normal so far. Guess we’ll see if this stuff actually does anything.

Since I was told to describe myself a bit, I guess I might as well if I want that cash they promised. Name's Blake. I'm 26 and work at a local manufacturing company in the finance department. It's a pretty chill gig. Don't gotta wear a suit either which is good. Didn't even wear one to my graduation and I don't plan on starting now.

Anyway bro, I'm also a proud atheist. Never got into politics, but I guess I'm more liberal. I mean, just let people do what they want, right?

February 10th, 2025

Alright, not gonna lie, I’ve been feeling kinda sharp lately. Like, my head’s clearer, and I’m getting more stuff done at work. My boss Emily even said my presentation didn’t totally suck, which is rare. Oh, and I actually ironed my shirt today before work. Don’t know why—just felt like I should look decent. Weird, right? Maybe these pills aren’t total BS. I don't know why, but I've been thinking of wearing a tie to work...

March 12th, 2025

So get this, man: I bought a suit over the weekend. A whole grownup suit and a tie to go with it. I dunno know why, but I just felt like stepping up my game for my presentation at work today. And man did I look good. I got so many compliments on my fit. It honestly felt really good. My bros thought it was weird and so do I, but now that I have it I guess I'll use it at another presentation in the future.

April 15th, 2025

Something weird is going on. I heard some chick at work talking about her church today. Instead of scoffing and rolling my eyes, it made me, like, think a little. Like I got curious about it. I don't know what's going on, but I might have to check it out sometime.

Speaking of work, I've been wearing a tie more and more. It feels... right. People seem to notice too. I get so many compliments about them. I went back to the store and pick out a whole bunch of different colors. I may be the only guy in the department wearing one, but standing out isn't a bad thing I guess.

May 18th, 2025

Alright, so… I went to church today. Yeah, me. Blake, the proud atheist. Walked past St. Mark’s on the way to grab Starbuck's, and something just made me stop and go in. The music was kind of awesome, and the pastor’s talk about purpose hit me harder than I expected. I don’t even know what’s happening to me, but I’m starting to think there’s more to life than what I’ve been living. I might go back next week to see what I've been missing, but I'm not sure yet.

June 30th, 2025

This morning, I prayed. Like, actually prayed to God. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, but it felt… good. I’ve also started reading bits of the Bible over the past week. There’s some deep stuff in there. Work’s going great, too. I’ve been mentoring one of the new guys, and Emily says she’s impressed with my leadership. Suits are now my everyday thing. Who knew dressing sharp could feel so right?

July 23rd, 2025

I’ve been pulling away from my old friends. Their whole sarcastic, edgy vibe just doesn’t sit right with me anymore. Instead, I’ve been hanging out with people from church who share my interest in self-improvement and faith. I’m even thinking about joining a volunteer group at the church. Life feels more meaningful now. My mind still feels so clear too. I don't know what this pill is doing to me, but it's working.

August 11th, 2025

I’ve been reflecting on some big ideas lately: responsibility, tradition, family values. They make so much sense now. I’ve also started watching a few commentators online who align with these views. Their logic is compelling. Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. It’s like a veil has been lifted. Why should abortion be legal? Why should we violate the second amendment with gun control laws? Why do gays think thy can decide how the rest of us live our lives? So many questions I'm learning the answers to. I never paid much attention to politics, but maybe I should.

September 7th, 2025

Sunday service has become the cornerstone of my week. I’ve officially joined St. Mark’s and volunteered for their community outreach. Pastor Williams’s guidance has been invaluable. I’m entirely committed to this new path. My wardrobe, my habits, even my worldview have all transformed. I’m proud of the man I’ve become. I've said this a million times already, but it just feels right.

October 20th, 2025

Today is my birthday, and reflecting on this past year astounds me. My former self seems like a stranger. I’ve embraced faith, order, and purpose, and it just feels right. I got my hair cut to be a lot shorter than I once had it as a special birthday gift to myself. It feels more appropriate for my new image.

I had some friends from bible study over for a small party. I wore my best suit for the occasion. We played games, ate good food, and prayed of course. There was a riveting debate on the role of faith in politics. All in all, it was a good time. I can't believe how much my life has changed just in 10 months.

November 30th, 2025

Today was the final day of the trial. The scientist leading the study asked me all sorts of questions, from my conservative views to my faith in God and my new sense of style. I'm not sure what it all has to do with a mental focus pill, but I didn't feel like asking questions. I'm sure they know what they're doing. Anyways, I better get going. St. Mark's is having an event today to celebrate God and all of His glory. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

December 1st, 2025

The Red Wave trial has concluded with a 100% conversion rate among participants. Subjects exhibited profound and permanent shifts in personality, behavior, and worldview. Pre-trial skepticism and liberal inclinations were entirely replaced with conservative, faith-based identities. This case highlights the pill's efficacy in aligning individuals with structured, traditional conservative values. Further research will examine long-term societal impacts of widespread application. More subjects needed.

[j0hnpr1c3sm1ssus]

König x Reader (Happy 100 followers!)

Title: Five roses, a teddy bear, and a cat.

Synopsis: Back from deployment and six months of not seeing you, König is nervous to see you again

Warnings: calling König "Kilgore" (which I guess could be his real name? I looked on his wiki and it said he was called that in one of the games) and SO much anxiety on his end

AN: THIS MAN IS A WRECK 😭 😭 😭

His grip was crushing the stems of the roses in hand, he stopped by the local supermarket to buy you them and a teddy bear. He doesn't even know if Schatzi, your pale orange tabby cat, will remember him, and the thought alone made him *terrified.*

He looks down at the roses and the teddy bear, tears welling in his eyes. Then he looks back up at your door, biting his chapped lip.

He closes his eyes and knocks, the teddy bear shifting from his hand to under his arm.

"Hello?" Your pretty little voice calls, opening the door in about five seconds. His breath hitches when he hears you, his eyes opening and widening and his heart sinking to his stomach.

Then the door opens and he holds the roses out, reaching to grab the teddy bear.

"Hi..." He mumbles out, looking down at his clunking feet. Then he can't see his feet because you've grabbed him, tears in your eyes as you hug him tightly.

"Come in... Please.." you mutter, pulling on König, urging him, the gifts he bought you not even registering in your mind.

"Okay," he breathes out, letting you lead him in the house.

By now Schatzi is meowing like mad, confused by why you're crying and holding König so tightly. Then, she pads over to König and rubs against his legs.

He lets out this gasplike sound, shuddering out, "You- you still love me?"

You look up at him with sheer *horror* in your eyes, I mean, how could you *not?*

"Kilgore.." you mutter, reaching a hand up to stroke his cheek. He drops to his knees, an absolute wreck of himself.

You cup his cheeks, holding him there, your eyes so soft, inviting. His brain swirls and curls, tears that had been pent up for half the year finally escaping like a dam had been broken.

You bend over, arms wrapping around his neck and hugging him in that embrace he's been craving. He buries his face in your neck, dropping those roses, the petals falling, the teddy bear now being batted by Schatzi. You kneel, hugging onto the poor man as he sobs, large hands going to grab your waist and hold your body against his. He clutches onto you like a lifeline, like a boy holding his favourite toy, using you as his only source of comfort.

It takes him... A while to calm down. Once Schatzi comes and runs against him, then tries to climb his back, you both laugh so hard that his sadness and relief all mould into this... Joy.

He hands you the flowers, now wilted, "For you.." he mumbles out, your brutish Austrian, one that speaks maybe five words a day. Then he hands you the teddy bear, though Schatzi seems more upset that her new toy has been taken than anything.

You laugh, grinning, "Thank you, Kilgore. They're lovely, I'll go put them in water," you say and stand up, taking the roses and teddy bear, kissing his forehead, and walking away.

And god, does that man fall in love again.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

can u guess which gif will be at the end of this. can you guess. i'll bet at least a few of you can guess XD

Charlie: "New plan- group bonding through shared, SAFE, suffering!"

Alastor: “Oh joy~”

Husk: "Not this fucking shit again."

Angel Dust: "Well hey as long as it's consensual sufferin'~"

Niffty: (lifts arms at vaggie) "YEEET ME!!!"

Vaggie: "Ughh... no."

Niffty: "Aww."

Vaggie: "I'm never living that one down am I?"

Charlie: "Vaggie, you don't need to live anything down EVER-"

Alastor: "Cough cough! Lied to her girlfriend for three years, cough cough!"

Angel Dust: "Dude you're not supposed t' SAY cough."

Husk: “That’s the part you’re fucking annoyed at?”

Charlie: "-and the POINT is, your whole idea about going through hell to trust the people who go through it with you? Not entirely on the wrong track!"

Vaggie: "Yaaay."

Husk: "You fucked up but for the right un-shitty reasons."

Vaggie: "Great. Thanks."

Charlie: "SO! We're all gonna share the worst work day of our lives with each other!"

Niffty: "Share?" (excited) "By INFLICTING them on each other!?"

Charlie: "Talking, Niffty. We're going to, talk about them."

Niffty: "Aww...."

Husk: "Is there a time limit."

Angel Dust: "Is there a rating limit?"

Alastor: (thoughtful) "Does it still count as a terrible work day if I was able to murder them at the end of it?"

Charlie: "Uhhhh-"

Vaggie: "How 'bout we stick to how it made us feel, rather than all the... X rated... gory details?"

Niffty: (sighs) (slumps over) "This is my worst most terrible work day ever.."

Charlie: "And how do you FEEL about it?"

Niffty: "Sad..."

Vaggie: "I'll let you use my spear for roach hunting after this."

Niffty: (bouncing up) "OH THE EMOTIONS! WHATEVER ONES YOU WANT FROM ME I DON'T CARE, I HAVE THEM!!!"

Husk: "What the fuck."

Angel Dust: "Yeesh."

Charlie: "Okay that's, that's enough sharing from you. Good, um, good job!"

Niffty: "Spear spear spear-"

Charlie: "Well MY worst work day was definitely the one where we were besieged by an army of murderous angels heaven-bent on the full scale slaughter of most of my family! And they actually did kill one! Yeah- that." (laughs) "That fucking sucked and I hated it!"

Angel Dust, Husk, Niffty: (GASP)

Charlie: "What? What??"

Angel Dust: "You said the "H" word, toots.."

Vaggie: "She said a lot more than that while writing an angry text to heaven afterwards."

Charlie: "Hey! You checked the text for me- you know I was polite!"

Vaggie: "Charlie, it was the most aggressively polite 'fuck off' anyone's ever written in the history of all creation. I’m so proud of you for it."

Charlie: "Heh."

Alastor: “Cough get a room please cough.”

Angel Dust: “’m TELLING YOU that’s NOT how it’s supposed ‘t WORK you're not supposed t' SAY IT-”

Charlie: "Ah-hem. Um. Husk? Worst work day-?"

Husk: "Still living it."

Hotel Crew: "....."

Husk: "...but you stupid fuckers are keeping me company through it, so, fucking thanks I guess."

Charlie: (tearful) "Oh Husk. That's so..."

Angel Dust: "Love you too, Mr. Whiskers~"

Husk: "Shut the fuck up."

Vaggie: "Hey."

Husk: "Him, not her. The day your “her” shuts the fuck up is the day we all know we're fucked."

Charlie: "Gosh I hope not." (wipes eyes) "Angel Dust? You wanna...?"

Angel Dust: "My worst shitty day was also my BEST day."

Charlie: (bracing herself) "O...kay...?"

Angel Dust: "A friend came to work an' almost killed the boss for me. Can ya believe that? An' the only reason she didn't open him up a few new 'fun' an' 'interestin' holes of his own was 'cause I had to stop her."

Vaggie: "HELL YEAH!"

Charlie: "You mean-"

Angel Dust: "Yeah. Thanks, apple cheeks. I spent good crack money commissionin' fanart of you wrecking his shit."

Charlie: "WHAT!?"

Vaggie: "You have GOT to let me see that."

Charlie: "VAGGIE!"

Vaggie: "Oh come on, it's better than him buying crack, right?"

Angel Dust: "It def looks waaay better on my wall."

Charlie: "I- that's not-"

Niffty: "Is there BLOOD?"

Charlie: "Oh please don't let there be any-"

Angel Dust: "SO much blood, baby."

Charlie: "Noooo...!"

Vaggie: "Now I really need to see it."

Charlie: "H-WHA?"

Husk: "I really need a fucking drink."

Charlie: "I'm- you know what? I'm pretending I didn't hear any of that. La la la! I have complete deniability!"

Alastor: "That's the spirit! You hardly knew him, certainly never fantasized about decorating him with his own entrails! Just keep reminding yourself of that while hiding the body~!"

Charlie: "NO! Just.... well maybe for him..."

Vaggie: "You're so pretty."

Charlie: (pouting) "We need to commission a piece of you standing over Lute with your spear at her throat. It's not FAIR otherwise."

Vaggie: "Anything for you, babe."

Alastor: "How saccharine. Young love hand in hand, spattered in blood."

Charlie: "A-anyway. Alastor. Your turn."

Alastor: "Hmm. Well, there was the time someone reorganized the reels, somehow without mentioning it to me before air time. And without asking me before hand. But..."

Husk: "Here it comes."

Alastor: "Reorganized their organs for them later that night, likewise unasked, was QUITE fun."

Charlie: "I THOUGHT WE SAID WE COULD JUST TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS!"

Alastor: "My feelings?"

Niffty: "PURE UNDILUTED JOY"

Alastor: "Mm no, they didn't scream enough for that..."

Charlie: "AAAAAH!" (covers ears)

Alastor: "Shall we say perhaps, accomplished?"

Vaggie: "Over one murder? Wow. You're sure easy to please."

Alastor: "I've always believed in quality not quantity when it comes to my passion projects. Swift, thoughtless killings are so passé."

Angel Dust: "Y'know, meeting you has really ruined the whole dashing dapper man w' a tinted glass monocle for me. It's that creepy grin. You're a total boner kill."

Alastor: "Oh I do try."

Vaggie: "What about the day you died? Didn't you get fucking shot like a deer, venison a la Alastor?"

Alastor: "Fan of my history, hmm?"

Vaggie: "The TV future about it is pretty funny, not gonna lie."

Alastor: "Ah ha ha! TV DID YOU SAY."

Vaggie: "Vox airs it. Every day."

Alastor: "AND YOU WATCHED IT. HMM?"

Vaggie: "Every. Day."

Angel Dust: "I bring the popcorn and pills."

Husk: "I mix the fucking drinks."

Niffty: "I wish it had more BLOOD!"

Alastor: "ET TU, NIFFTY?"

Charlie: "Okay okay, that's WAY more than enough from you, reel back in the shadow monsters please-"

Alastor: "AHAHAHAH...!" (fades into shadows)

Angel Dust: "Creep. He's prob'ly vaping off to go curse the TV again."

Husk: "For mother fuck. I've got that cooking show coming on tonight. Will smacking the aerial with the angel spear get it working again?"

Vaggie: "Probably...?"

Charlie: "Vaggie!" (desperate) (hopeful) "You have a normal worst day at work to finish this exercise off with, right!?"

Vaggie: "...."

Vaggie: "Uh, well sweetie...."

[michuga]

santa baby *•̩̩͙ ✩ •̩̩͙*˚

summary: in which you wait all night long for santa, as you have been every year, for as long as you can remember. expecting a swollen belly and a full white beard, you're surprised to see a tall, dark, and handsome stranger staring back at you. or santa gets caught red-handed and has to play it off.

pairing: jeongguk x reader

genre: idek. holiday skit? palette cleanser 4 you!

warnings: swearing included, lowercase intended

very silly. i laughed for a good minute when the idea came to me, hope you enjoy!

wc: 1.5k

it's finally the holidays, your favorite time of the year. at 21, your resolve to catch santa has stayed stronger than ever. it didn't matter how many people told you santa wasn't real, you were an ambitious girl. surely one of these years, you were bound to catch him, right? i mean, who else could be responsible for the gifts under your tree, every single year?

"alright everyone, gather round! it's time to pick your secret santa buddy!" you hear your coworker yell out, along with squeals of excitement.

for the first time, this year, your company decided to hold a secret santa event, as a means of reviving the workplace environment.

yawning, you make your way to where everyone from your department was gathered. how do they have so much energy? it's barely eight in the crack ass of the morning.

"like every secret santa, each one of you will pick out a paper randomly from this bowl right here. the name you get is the person you'll be buying a gift for. any questions?" your boss says, enthusiastically.

subtle chatter fills the room. "all right then. if there are no questions, go ahead and pick your draw"

waiting your turn, you take a sip of your coffee.

"are you excited?" your friend taehyung beams, joining you.

"not really, just looking forward to my bed today."

"why? you still waiting on santa to pop down your chimney?" he says with an elbow nudge, wiggling his eyebrows.

"he's REAL taehyung. i'm not doing this with you again." with a roll of your eyes, you walk closer to the bowl filled with names.

"it's probably one of your family members, be serious for five minutes. if it's not, you definitely need your locks changed. you don't find that creepy at all? have you asked them?"

"nope. because i know it's not them. and my locks are perfectly fine. he doesn't use doors, you idiot, it's the chimney."

tsking, taehyung follows close behind.

waiting for the cookies to cool down, you plopped down on your couch. your eyelids heavy, you decide to take a quick half hour nap.

THUNK

waking up from your slumber, you're startled by the loud noise. confused, you slowly rub your eyes and scan your surroundings.

well this definitely isn't what you were expecting.

wide eyed, you stare at the strange man across the room, standing right in front of your fireplace.

are you dreaming? you're not sure. you always thought santa would be old fat and ugly, the man standing in front of you is anything but. carrying a big red sack on his back, the fabric of his sleeves lays taught against his biceps. woah, santa's jacked. you can also see a slither of a tattooed sleeve under his little getup, and piercings on his face. what the hell?

after it seems like an eon of staring at eachother in silence, you finally muster the courage to speak up.

"santa?" you ask, delirious from sleep and yet hopeful as ever.

"i'm your... secret santa!" the man says reluctantly.

"oh.. yeah you don't really look like santa." dejected, you say with a sigh.

offended, the stranger scoffs, and gestures at his read coat and matching red pants. "um.. hello?"

"nah. santa's all fat and old n' shit. you could pass as his grandson, though," you think aloud, tilting your head to the side.

"i'll take that as a compliment.. i guess?"

"wait.. i've never seen you at work before, though?"

after another awkward silence, "i'm new. i was only recently hired a few weeks ago."

"oh.. okay!" you answer, delirious on sleep and perfectly satisfied with his reekingly suspicious answers.

"well since i baked cookies for santa and you're the next best thing, why don't you have some?" getting up, you casually walk towards your fridge, grabbing the half empty carton of milk, along with two cups from your cupboard.

you hear quiet footsteps behind you, taking a seat on your kitchen island.

"so.. santa? you really believe in santa?" the stranger says, taking the cup of milk you offered him.

"i swear to god if i get made fun of one more time, i'm turning into the grinch." you deadpan, serious expression adorning your face. flat lipped, you cross your arms and stare at him.

suppressing a giggle, the stranger goes on, "no, no! don't get me wrong, i think it's cute."

you squint your eyes. "but you don't believe me."

"now you're just putting words in my mouth. when did i ever say that?" amused, he takes another bite of the freshly baked cookie.

"this is damn good stuff, you know? you should definitely sell these." your secret santa remarks, mouth full of cookie, and a visible scorn on his face.

"only the best for santa." you say, plopping down on the stool across from him. face in your palm, you watch the perfect stranger eat cookies, made with all your love, that were never meant for him.

"i really thought i'd catch him this year, damn it."

"you just wait here every year, waiting to catch him?"

"pretty much."

"well if you had caught him, that would mean he's lousy as his job, wouldn't it?"

"as lousy as you were?" you playfully say, "surely he has better work ethic than you do."

snickering, the stranger nods in agreement.

"i'll let you in on a little secret." your santa says, gesturing for you to come closer.

you lean in, lending him your ear.

"i know santa personally. i could put in a good word for you, if you want."

jerking back, you're quick to remark, "stop making fun of me, i already told you! i'm serious about this!"

"i am too! i'm being for real."

"sure. well since you do know him, let him know i've been an awful good girl this year, and i demand a gift worthy of that," you say, going along with his bit.

"hmm.. i'm pretty sure he's the one who gets to decide that, but alright, i'll let him know. anything else?"

"and that i've written up a wishlist." you pick up the piece of paper you left under the plate of cookies. "here you go. make sure he gets this."

taking the piece of paper from you, the stranger quietly reads what's written.

"alright. shouldn't be too hard to accomplish," he says, matter-of-factedly.

this dude's a wacko.

yawning, the sleepiness from earlier latching onto you again.

"well, i'll be going to bed now. would you like me to show you out?"

"i'll manage. thanks for the cookies!" grabbing his gift sack from off the ground, he gets up and heads towards the chimney.

going up the stairs with your back turned to him, you wave him off.

mere seconds after plopping down onto your bed, you fall back asleep, wondering off to dreamland for sure this time.

you hear the sound of birds chirping, feel the sun shining on your face.

you peacefully turn in your sleep.

one, two minutes pass.

with a furrow of your eyebrows, you come to.

wait.

wait.

what the fuck?

startled, you spring out of bed.

as the events of last night dawn on you, your eyes gradually widen in shock.

????????????

running down your stairs, you scramble into your kitchen

to find

the plate of cookies

empty.

you weren't dreaming.

oh god. oh god. now you've finally done it. a stranger merrily breaks into your house and you made conversation with him?

from the corner of your eyes, you spot something shimmering under your christmas tree.

gifts?

"jesus, what happened to you?" taehyung asks with a sandwich in his mouth. "did the grinch visit you?"

you hadn't bothered to look at the mirror this morning, rushing to get dressed and out the door. you need real human interaction to feel sane. you were also hoping to find an answer to whatever the fuck happened last night.

"i think a stranger broke into my house last night. i think i also offered him cookies."

choking on said sandwich, taehyung coughs a few times before finally clearing his throat.

"pardon?"

"he said he was my secret santa."

"and you just.. accepted the fact?"

"well.. yeah? i was half asleep and waiting for santa," you say with a pout.

"the fuck? that's breaking and entering?? you should file a police report! oh god, he works here, doesn't he? do you remember what he looks like??"

recalling the events of last night, you find yourself lost in thought. "yeah.. quite an odd fellow."

scratching your head, you continue, "damn, he never even told me his name."

"dude, i knew you were off your rocker, but this has got to be a new low."

"um.. excuse me?" a voice calls out from behind you.

you turn around to see mingyu, one of your coworkers, holding a neatly wrapped gift box.

"i got your name.. i didn't really know what you'd like so i got you a bunch of different things.. i really hope you like them."

silence.

"or if you don't, i can always return them and get something else! really, it's no trouble!"

silence.

...

taehyung nudges you hard.

"mingyu, you're my secret santa?"

"..yes?"

"then who the fuck was that at my house last night?"