#guess ill try make an actual billy set when i get home from work this sarvo :(

[biillys]

all that's left is a family the ones that wished you well all that's left of your legacy is the story that they'll tell

nick ward; funeral (feat. E^ST)

[medusinestories]

Aaa Miranda is in this ep and so of course this got Long!

Black Sails, III (S1 ep03)

- I just LOVE the domestic scenes of Flint waking up at home, surrounded by white crisp linen, wearing an oversized shirt, and going straight to a pot of something that smells good (I'm guessing it's tea or a spice he intends to use afterwards). And also how, outside of the rough life at sea, he's actually delicate, wincing when Miranda tends to him a bit roughly.

- I think a reason why I didn't really understand Miranda on my first watch is because she's sulking in a very cool/restrained way in these scenes. She's relieved that Flint's back, but finds small ways to put him down (commenting on the blood on her floor, chiding him for not telling her about the wound, stinging him with disinfectant) that express that she's not altogether happy with him/his behaviour.

- In the meanwhile, Flint's back to being Captain Oblivious. In spite of Miranda's little digs he's so smug about having found the schedule that he doesn't notice that she's unhappy. It's only when she doesn't jump for joy when he gives her the Middleton book that he cottons on that she’s not in a great mood.

- Also, I'll die on the "Flint is bi" hill, and to me the way Flint looks at Miranda when she's fixing his bandages is not only smug but also seductive - she’s the one who’s not receptive in this moment. But the fact that Miranda talks of "having you all to myself" in the same conversation also suggests that their relationship is (still) romantic/sexual. (and while I’m on my unpopular opinion spree, I don’t want to hear anything about “straightbaiting”: reducing Flint and Miranda’s relationship to a trick used by the creators to make the audience think Flint is straight is deeply disrespectful of whatever these two characters share)

- We get to see a lot of Silver writing out the contents of the stolen page, and boy is he proficient with a quill and ink. Where/how/why did a little thief he learn to read and write? This definitely isn't the typical education of a London orphan.

- "Don't torture me, my pain threshold is very low, and I'd say anything to make it stop"... so Silver is threatening to be incoherent and/or inaccurate under torture? A pretty weak argument when faced with someone who wants to torture you for information. And this reminds me that Gates (and Flint, and Billy though he looked very ill at ease) was ready to torture Max in the previous episode to get information, though he presented it as a last resort. And yet here Flint snorts and walks away when Billy suggests torture decides to take Silver along with their crew. So how is Silver different from Max, here? Could it possibly be related to the fact that he and Flint eyesex stare at each other all through the conversation, hmm?

- Back to Breaking Billy: Billy wants to do everything in his power to prevent the crew from finding out that Silver is the actual thief, imo mostly because he doesn't want the crew to find out that he lied to them about Singleton. Billy is shown to be a terrible liar: when he brings Silver to Randall, saying Silver lost a bet to him, Randall immediately tells him that there's no betting onboard, catching him out and putting him in an awkward situation. Gates also warned Billy off canvassing to find out if the crew is still angry with Flint, and was quite right: Morley and Turk immediately figure out what he's doing. However, by the end of the episode, he also uses his reputation of being honest to convince Morley that Singleton was, indeed, a thief. I wonder how he feels about using his reputation of honesty to cover up a lie.

- In the meantime Silver actually does what Billy was trying to do very badly: he finds out who's still against Flint. Unlike Captain Oblivious, Silver has somehow intuited that Billy needed to find the dissenters, possibly because he's figured out that Billy hates keeping up the lie. In any case, he plays double agent in order to gain Billy’s trust (perhaps a bad strategy to gain an honest man’s trust... just saying).

- Hornigold, after an incredibly pompous tirade about the noble origins of the chair he’s sitting on, has the gall to call Flint arrogant and presumptuous. Apparently, arrogant and presumptuous is the kind of people who Gates is friends with/drawn to. I also can't help but wonder why Gates believes that Hornigold's crew knows and trusts him and that it'll be easy for him to captain them. I wonder if Hornigold used to have Gates as a Quartermaster, pre-Flint. The fact that Hornigold tells Gates that he's starting to speak like Flint, in a reproachful tone, could also  be a clue.

- Gates' advancing age is a major subject in this episode, with Hornigold saying that Gates is one of the rare people who's actually getting dumber with age, and Rackham playing on Gates' doubts about his physical condition and mental alertness to convince him to enrol Vane in their capture of the Urca. Gates himself mentioned previously that he doesn’t plan on pirating all his life. Interestingly, Flint doesn't once suggest that he has any doubt about Gates’ ability to captain a ship, and I really don’t think he has (both a sign of great trust, but also a Captain Oblivious trait, as he’s seemingly blind to Gates’ anxiety and possibly the reality of Rackham’s comment about Gates’ physical condition).

- In this episode, Miranda hands her copy of Meditations to Richard Guthrie. Some people have asked why she'd hand something so revealing about Flint to someone like Guthrie. At the point where she gives the book to him, he: 1) doesn't know who she is (she refuses to answer when asked) 2) is supposedly bedridden and being guarded by an armed man, and therefore 3) wouldn't be able to guess who "T.H." is with the information that he currently has. She didn't expect Richard Guthrie that would be a sneaky bastard who was less wounded than he appeared to be and who’d go snooping around her house at the first occasion (btw, snooping parallel: Guthrie in Flint’s house finds out personal information and Silver in Flint’s cabin finds out strategic information). I think that what Miranda wanted was to have someone she could talk to about Meditations, a book that she, her husband, and Flint had all enjoyed, and that she likely couldn’t share with Flint anymore because it’s too painful a subject for him.

- Which brings me to Miranda's situation: her loneliness and the precariousness of her life is already framed quite clearly in this episode. The pastor sends spies to watch her house when Flint is around, and openly asks her to join his congregation so that he can save her from Flint and the impending arrival of the Navy. In the meantime, the crew believe she's at the centre of Flint's "evil": some believe that she's a witch who controls Flint, and Morley tells Billy that she's the reason why Flint treats the crew like pawns.

- The whole Flint/Gates workplace comedy scenes never fail to crack me up. Flint laughing at the suggestion Vane should captain the second ship, followed by "you're serious", and Gates doing damage control in a very restrained tone at first, then the second time screaming insults at Flint... just... *chef's kiss*

- Rackham is shown to be incredibly devious and persuasive in this episode. He manages to convince Gates to convince Flint to take on his worst enemy as a work partner (in a moment when he's getting into Gates' head, he goes as far as to imitate his Yorkshire accent!). He's also extremely aware that Vane isn't all that interested in money, but definitely interested in what Eleanor will think of him. I’d also note that if someone is callous about Max in this episode, it’s him: he sends Vane to “deal with her”, expecting him to kill her off.

- As much as we know that Flint's "tough captain" behaviour is partly an act, we tend to forget that Vane is also shown to be keeping up appearances in order to remain a leader of an extremely difficult/unruly crew. I didn't address the punch in the face he gives Eleanor in ep 1, but he explicitly says this was to avoid losing face in front of his men after she punched him. The same goes for the capture/beating/rape of Max: "what you did required an answer", he tells her. But then chooses to secretly set her free rather than rape/kill her as he’s expected to do. He's obviously smitten with Eleanor, and is the one who initiates tender moments after sex. This is why I can never really dislike this ship, because it's between two very damaged people who are at odds mostly because they’re in a power struggle where they each have to look strong/powerful.

- I hate hate hate the whole Max-rape plot, as I'm sure most of the fandom also does. I do get that Max is furious with Eleanor, and possibly extra-furious because Eleanor instantly turns saving Max from Vane's crew into a strategic move where she punishes Vane (ironically, the one who wanted to let Max go) by forcing Vane’s crew into joining Flint, rather than focusing on, say, Max’s wellbeing. But "Max wants to hurt Eleanor/is hurting from the breakup so badly that she willingly submits to being raped/beaten by the crew, AGAIN"... hrm. I have trouble connecting this self-destructive side of Max's personality with the character we see after her ordeal. Again, opinions welcome because I may be missing/misunderstanding something, but I feel like the writers didn’t really know what they were doing with her character at this point.

[megalony]

Family of six

This is a new murderer! Ben Hardy series I am going to be working on which I hope you will all enjoy, I know I have quite a few series on the go at the moment but I like to keep switching between them.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr​ @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah​ @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @hellsdragon @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh @onceuponadetectivedemigod

Murderer! Ben masterlist

Series masterlist

Summary: Ben and (Y/n) have a son together and are pregnant again but things take a worrisome turn when (Y/n) develops severe morning sickness and they find out they’re having triplets.

Enjoy.

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"Buddy, why aren't you at preschool?" Surprise filled Ben's dark sea-green eyes the moment he stepped through the door and was bombarded by his five-year-old attaching himself to Ben's legs.

Ben's words came across as confused and rather authoritiative but his tone made no difference to the little boy clinging to him. Billy was more than familiar with Ben's tones of voice, he knew which tone meant Ben was actually mad at him and which ones meant Ben wasn't angry and was just talking normally. And Billy was also familiar with the unusually sweet tones Ben sometimes had when he felt like being endearing.

He didn't mean to come across as anything but caring and concerned for his son but Ben wasn't expecting to come home and find Billy still here. He should be at preschool until three o'clock when Ben was meant to go and pick him up, he shouldn't be at home right now.

Ben had come home specifically for the reason that he and (Y/n) were going to their first scan for their second pregnancy. (Y/n) was supposed to take Billy to preschool this morning like she did every morning before going to work, although she wasn't working today.

"Mummy's in bed, she's been sick."

"Oh dear. Alright, you go play and I'll go see how your mum's doing." Ben leaned down and hooked his hands under Billy's arms when the five-year-old was reluctant to let go of Ben. Billy hadn't gotten to see Ben all that much for the past week, Ben left for work before Billy got up and on quite a few days he was back after Billy went to bed or just before so he didn't see him very much.

The club took up a lot of Ben's time because he had to make sure it ran smoothly. The front of the club had to be perfect and exact as not to raise suspicion about the dodgy dealings Ben had going on behind closed doors. The dodgy side of the business also had to be carried out in specific and exact ways so that no slip-ups happened and they didn't get caught.

But Ben always did his best to balance out his family life and his work because as much as he had to be at the club to make sure it was functioning and working in the right way, he had to be at home with his family too. (Y/n) and Billy were Ben's world and since the moment Billy was born, Ben had made sure to always try and be there. Billy had flipped a switch in Ben's mind since he was born, whenever Ben was at the club for too long or there every day of the week he would get stressed and annoyed in case he was missing out on something in Billy's life. He didn't want to miss anything, he wanted to be there and be involved and since Billy was so attached to Ben it made it harder for Ben to be away from him.

"Come on buddy I gotta go see your mum."

"Then can we have dinner?"

Ben looked to his watch before looking back at Billy with a smile, Ben had the rest of the day off anyway and even though he was rather good at cooking, he could never be bothered to take the time to do it.

"I'll go and make sure your mum's okay and then we'll head out somewhere for dinner, okay?"

He kissed the top of Billy's head when he giggled in agreement before effortlessly picked Billy up, swaying him side to side as he walked through into the back room and set Billy down on the floor where he had his toys scattered about. Billy preferred the back room to play in and watch tv rather than the lounge, it was a room he could play in and make a mess. The lounge was a room that (Y/n) liked to try and keep tidy and neat in case they had people over.

Ben dumped his keys from his pocket down on the table near the stairs before he headed up to go and check on (Y/n). He knew she hadn't been very well for the past two weeks, morning sickness seemed to suddenly hit her like a train and hadn't made things easy for her. It was unnerving for Ben whenever (Y/n) was ill or in pain because they were things he couldn't control and that made him angry. He liked control over situations especially when it came to (Y/n) because he wanted to make her happy and when she was ill he couldn't make her better.

When they had Billy (Y/n) had next to no morning sickness at all and other than the birth the pregnancy had been rather smooth sailing and Ben liked that. He liked that there was no problems or worries with (Y/n) or Billy.

Heading up the stairs, Ben made his way into his and (Y/n)'s room and he bit his lip when he looked around the room for a moment. The pillows and the covers on the bed were strewn about, the sick bucket was left in the middle of the bed and there were tissues, tablets and a glass of water on the side table.

"Baby? You in here?" Ben cautiously opened the door to the adjoining bathroom and leaned his head round to see if (Y/n) was in there. She had been asleep this morning when he left for work but she hadn't been sick through the night and she seemed fine and settled last night and this morning.

Taking a deep breath, Ben curled his fingers into his palms to stop himself from frowning or sighing when he looked at his wife.

(Y/n) was kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet with her arms folded over the toilet and her forehead resting on her arms. She looked like she had or was about to pass out then and there and Ben could see the way her stomach was constantly sucking in and her throat muscles were straining like she was trying to stop from gagging.

She was wearing her pyjama shorts and her bra, her night shirt was crumpled up on the floor so Ben guessed she had been sick down her shirt. And her hair was scrunched up into a loose knot on her head with strands hanging loose all around her features.

"Fucking hell baby, why didn't you call me and say you were this sick?" Ben wasted no time in kneeling down next to (Y/n) and gently moving her hair behind her ear so he could see her better. If she had called and said she was this sick Ben would have come back sooner to take care of her and either take Billy to preschool or look after them both. He didn't like the thought of (Y/n) being as ill as this and suffering on her own thinking that she couldn't bother him when he was at work. Ben thought he had drilled it into her head by now that she and Billy were more important than anything else.

He could see now why Billy was still at home, if (Y/n) was this sick and couldn't take Billy to preschool and Ben was at work there weren't many people (Y/n) could call on for help. She wouldn't want to bother her friends, she had no contact with her family after they found out she was engaged to Ben and his family were an hour away so they couldn't help either.

It was one of the reasons Ben was so determined in making sure (Y/n) and Billy and the rest of the world knew how much he loved them. Her family hated Ben and what he did and he wanted to show them that he would never hurt (Y/n) or their son and that she was looked after and doing what she wanted with her life.

"Y-you were at work."

(Y/n) rubbed her shaking hand over her forehead, feeling the sweat clinging to her skin even though she was starting to tremble against the cold air of the bathroom. She knew how badly Ben liked the club to be running perfectly and have everything in order and he had already taken the afternoon off for the scan. There was no way (Y/n) was dragging him away in the morning as well when she could just keep Billy at home with her. Ben couldn't do very much at the moment for her anyway.

"Don't pull that one, if you or Billy are sick and I'm at the club you call me. Now I think seeing the midwife would be a good idea for you but I doubt we'd get you there when you're like this."

There was no chance or time for (Y/n) to respond before she had to look away from Ben and hover her face over the rim of the toilet, snapping her eyes closed as she choked and gagged. All morning she had been either throwing up, cradling her stomach or slumped in front of the toilet wondering if she was going to be sick or not. There was nothing left in her system to throw up but her stomach was still trying to force out the sips of water she had earlier and the bile left behind.

(Y/n) had barely managed to make Billy breakfast and she felt so bad that he was sat playing downstairs whilst she had to stay up here. She knew that if she went downstairs she would be stuck in the downstairs toilet which wasn't very big and she could never get herself back upstairs with the way she was feeling.

It seemed like a good idea to go to the scan today because then the midwife could check (Y/n) over and maybe prescribe her something to take. But Ben was sure that if he tried to take her they would only have to keep stopping for her to be sick and she looked like she was about to faint. She was in no fit state to go for a scan or talk to a midwife or doctor.

"I can't go, I- I don't feel well enough." (Y/n) closed her eyes and leaned her head on Ben's shoulder. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep and hope that it made her feel better than this.

When she felt Ben's arms curling around her shaking form it made her feel ever so slightly more at ease but she could feel how he was trying hard not to tense when holding her because he didn't like how sick she was.

"It's alright I'll call and get another appointment, but I think right now you need to go back to bed."

Ben didn't like the way that (Y/n) had next to no energy left to move, it showed just how bad she felt and how sick she was when she just let Ben slowly lift her to her feet and hold her weight when she looked like she was made of jelly. Ben moved his left arm so it was wrapped around (Y/n)'s waist and his other arm went around her front just in case she fell or stumbled since she didn't look very stable on her feet right now.

Her head fell onto Ben's shoulder and her feet scuffed against the floor when Ben slowly walked her through into the bedroom. The moment Ben sat (Y/n) down on the bed he noticed she looked like a doll or a puppet, swaying and having limp muscles like she was waiting to be controlled by a puppet master.

"I'm gonna go down and get Billy something to eat... I think it'd be worth you trying to have a biscuit or something in an hour or so. You gonna be okay if I head down?"

It wouldn't be a good idea for (Y/n) to have anything to eat now since she was still throwing up and gagging. But Ben knew her not eating anything wasn't going to help her very much, especially since for the past two weeks she had barely managed one meal a day. That wasn't good for her health in general and especially not since she was pregnant. Soup or biscuits might be easier on her stomach and be something she could hold down.

Ben rested his hands either side of (Y/n)'s shoulders and leaned over her when she laid down. Her eyes were half-lidded as she looked up at him but she managed a smile and a nod in response. She knew well enough to know that Ben would be back up to see her soon anyway, he wasn't leaving her alone for very long unless she was asleep.

He smoothed his thumb over her cheek and kissed her temple lovingly before he left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That's your second glass in half an hour, take it easy." Ben leaned his head to the side and spoke in a calm but slightly cautious manner that (Y/n) knew all too well. He didn't want to be demanding or controlling or sound rude but he couldn't help the look he was giving her right now.

(Y/n) had practically downed a full glass of orange juice in one go and was now taking large gulps of another glass. If she did that she would most likely throw it up again because she wasn't keeping anything down. Ben made her soup yesterday and she threw it up, she couldn't hold down two biscuits in the evening or a drink of water last night. She had orange juice all day today in little sips but she was suddenly so thirsty and it felt nice to have something other than water.

"I'm dry, and the baby likes it." (Y/n) swirled her finger around the rim for a moment, knowing she shouldn't down it when it was the most she had drank and managed to keep down in the past two days. Her throat felt like the desert especially with how much she was being sick but the cold drink was soothing and it was easier to drink than little sips of water.

"If you throw all that up your throat's gonna burn like a bitch cause orange has a lot of acid in it."

(Y/n) looked down at her glass for a moment before sighing and looking back up at Ben who was perched on the edge of the bed next to her legs. She knew he was right but she didn't feel sick right now, she had eaten a few biscuits today and had kept them down so far without feeling like she was going to collapse or like her stomach was constantly churning.

"And don't worry about the morning, I'm taking Billy to preschool."

"Are you going straight to the club when you drop him off then?" (Y/n) took a small sip of her juice to try and see if it would make her throat feel less dry and scratchy as she looked over at her husband. She knew Ben's routine and he always went to the club to get there for half seven in the morning to get the place up and running since it opened at eight. But Billy was at preschool from nine until three and (Y/n) doubted Ben would go to the club, come back home to get Billy then go to the club again.

"I'm off to the club in the afternoon, I'm gonna do half days for the next few weeks."

"Ben no-"

"I'm not doing ten or twelve hour shifts when you're sick like this, I wanna be home so I can help you and look after Billy." There was no way Ben was going to keep going to the club every day and do long hours when he knew (Y/n) was ill at home and had to look after Billy. It wasn't fair and Ben owned the club, he could do whatever shifts he wanted and he had people he could put in charge for when he wasn't there.

"You don't like the way the place is when you're not there, it doesn't run smoothly and you know it."

"I'll sort it, I'll leave fucking instructions for them if I have to but I'm not leaving you like this. I'm gonna go put Billy to bed, try a biscuit too since the baby's clearly hungry."

(Y/n) knew she wasn't going to win the argument so she nodded, watching Ben leave the room with a certain smile on his lips because he knew he had won just like he always did. It wasn't as if he was trying to do something bad or wrong either and (Y/n) knew that, she just knew that Ben had a particular way of doing things at the club and he hated when his workers didn't follow his rules or examples or did something wrong. It was better at the club when he was there to oversee everything. But Ben would still be there most days of the week, just not for as long because he wanted to be home to look after Billy and make sure (Y/n) was okay.

"Okay buddy, you ready for bed?" Ben leaned against the wall when Billy came out of the bathroom with a tired smile and droopy eyes.

The little boy held his arms out to Ben who had a knowing smirk on his face as he rolled his eyes but indulged his son anyway and leaned down to pick him up. He settled Billy on his hip and walked down the hall to Billy's room, Ben liked settling Billy to sleep because it never took long he wasn't a fussy child. Ben knew there were kids that took ages to fall asleep or liked the door open or the light on or couldn't get to sleep on their own.

Billy wasn't fussy at all, he got into bed had a night light on and just liked Ben or (Y/n) there for a few moments while he settled and got comfy then he fell asleep almost straight away.

"Can we go see uncle Joey tomorrow?" Billy smiled and tugged on Ben's arm when he settled the five year old down in bed and he wouldn't get go of Ben. With a smile, Ben sat down on the side of the bed and leaned over Billy who was still clinging to Ben's arm.

"Hmm I suppose we can do after preschool, he will be happy to see you." Ben carded his fingers through Billy's hair for a few moments to help settle and calm him. Joe worked for Ben but they were very close friends and Billy saw him as an uncle rather than just one of his dad's work friends. He was as close to Ben as if he were one of his brothers too.

Ben kept running his fingers through Billy's hair but the moment he was about to say something else he stopped himself when a noise caught his attention.

"Alright buddy, I'll get you up in the morning for preschool, I'm gonna go check on your mum now. Night buddy." He kissed Billy's forehead and looked to check that the lime green night light was on before he turned off the lamp and left the room. There was no mistaking that what Ben had heard was (Y/n) throwing up and considering she hadn't been sick since very early this morning he knew she wasn't going to be happy or very well.

Ben jogged back over to his and (Y/n)'s room and headed over to his side of the bed. He kneeled in the middle of the bed and moved his hands to hold (Y/n)'s hair away from her face as she was sat cross-legged on the bed leaning over the sick bucket.

He hated the way that when he rubbed his hand up and down her back he could feel her chest and her muscles constricting as she was barely breathing through her heaving. (Y/n) started to gasp and breathe deeper than Ben had heard before when she finally seemed to be able to breathe rather than just feel her throat muscles pushing together and closing off her airways.

(Y/n) spat into the bucket as she pressed her hand to her temple and closed her eyes to try and fight off the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes. "Baby... do you want some water, maybe some tablets?"

"T-the tablets are in there." (Y/n) swiped the back of her hand against her mouth before she moved the bucket further up the bed away from her. The way her lips frowned in distaste and the tears in her eyes told Ben she was not happy about this at all.

She had thrown up all the orange juice, the biscuits and the paracetamol she had taken two minutes ago. Nothing was staying down and she hated it. She hated more that she hadn't listened to Ben who was right, it felt so nice to have a proper drink and not feel queasy but now her throat was burning like it was on fire.

"I don't like this Ben, it was never like this with Billy." (Y/n) buried her face in Ben's chest when he moved his hands from her hair to wrap his arms around her and hold her to his chest.

"I know baby, and if you get any worse I'm taking you to the doctor. I'll get you some water though because I need you to keep some fluids down or we're off to the doctor tonight." Ben had managed to rebook their scan for next week but he didn't want to wait that long if (Y/n) didn't end up eating or drinking anything. This was bad for her and the baby and if she couldn't keep any fluids down at all then Ben would have to take her to the hospital.

Ben buried his face into (Y/n)'s hair and rubbed his hand up and down her waist as he felt her slowly calming down. He really hoped he wouldn't end up taking her to hospital, he had been praying that this pregnancy would be as smooth as Billy's had been.

[introvertguide]

Goodfellas (1990); AFI #92

The current film up for review is Scorsese’s famous crime drama, Goodfellas (1990). It is the story of Henry Hill and how he lived through the psychotic and neurotic life of a mafia member. The film was nominated for six academy awards including Best Picture and Best Director, but only took one trophy home for Best Supporting Actor (Joe Pesci). I watched the movie 3 times over the last 2 weeks and my opinion changed from one opinion to another as I watched each time and I want to discuss why. First of all, however, we need to do summarize the plot with a standard warning...

SPOILER ALERT!!!!! I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN AWAY THE PLOT IN PREVIOUS POSTS AND I AM ABOUT TO DO IT AGAIN EVEN MORE SO!!!! CHECK OUT THE MOVIE FOR YOURSELF IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY!!!

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The movie begins with three men checking the trunk of their car and finding that the body in the trunk was actually alive. Tommy (Joe Pesci) stabs the man multiple times and then Jimmy (Robert DeNiro) shoots him multiple times. Henry (Ray Liotta) looks on and explains his life in voice over and how the men all got to this position. 

In 1955, a young man named Henry Hill becomes enamored with the criminal life and Mafia presence in his working class Italian-American neighborhood in Brooklyn. He gets a job working for local mob boss Paul "Paulie" Cicero (Paul Sorvino) and is introduced to the entire family. Most important were associates James "Jimmy" Conway, an Irish truck hijacker, and Tommy DeVito, a fellow juvenile delinquent. Henry begins as an errand boy for Jimmy, gradually working his way up to more serious crimes. The three associates spend most of their nights in the 1960s at the Copacabana nightclub where they can impress women. Henry starts dating Karen Friedman (Lorraine Bracco), a Jewish woman who is friends with Tommy’s current date. She is initially troubled by Henry's criminal activities but is eventually seduced by his glamorous lifestyle. She marries him, despite her parents' disapproval.

We follow Henry and his rise in the mafia along with Jimmy and his growing paranoia and Tommy with his constant chip on the shoulder. In 1970, Billy Batts, a made man in the Gambino crew who was recently released from prison, repeatedly insults Tommy at a nightclub owned by Henry; Tommy and Jimmy then beat, stab and shoot him to death. The unsanctioned murder of a made man invites retribution; realizing this, Jimmy, Henry, and Tommy cover up the murder by burying the body in Upstate New York. Six months later, however, Jimmy learns that the burial site is slated for development, prompting them to exhume and relocate the decomposing corpse. At this time, Jimmy begins watching his back, Tommy feels invincible, and Henry takes on girlfriend while Karen stays at home with the kids.

Fast forward to 1974, Karen finds out about the infidelity and harasses Henry's mistress Janice and holds Henry at gunpoint. Henry moves in with Janice, but Paulie insists that he should return to Karen after collecting a debt from a gambler in Tampa with Jimmy. The mafia is all about family and there is no divorce and appearances must be kept. Things don’t go as planned because, upon returning, Jimmy and Henry are arrested after being turned in by the gambler's sister, an FBI typist, and they receive ten-year prison sentences. In order to support his family on the outside, Henry has drugs smuggled in by Karen and sells them to a fellow inmate from Pittsburgh. In 1978, Henry is paroled and expands this cocaine business against Paulie's orders, soon involving Jimmy and Tommy.

In 1979, Jimmy organizes a crew to raid the Lufthansa vault at the JFK Airport, stealing several millions in cash and jewelry. After some members purchase expensive items against Jimmy's orders and the getaway truck is found by police, he has most of the crew murdered. This part of the film is based on a true story Jimmy, in fact killed almost a dozen people in attempt to keep things silent. In his voiceover narration, as dead bodies are being discovered all over the city, Henry theorizes that Jimmy would have killed them anyway rather than share the profits of the heist. Tommy and Henry are spared by Jimmy since they had worked so close together. Also, Henry wasn’t actually involved in robbery and Tommy is going to be a made man and Jimmy wants the connection. Tommy is eventually deceived into believing he is going to be made, but he is murdered on the way to the ceremony, leaving Jimmy devastated.

By 1980, Henry has become a nervous wreck from cocaine use and insomnia. He notices that a helicopter is following him but is trying to visit with his family and deliver drugs at the same time. He sets up a drug deal with his Pittsburgh associates, but is arrested by narcotics agents and jailed. After bailing him out, Karen explains that she flushed $60,000 worth of cocaine down the toilet to prevent FBI agents from finding it during their raid, leaving them virtually penniless. Henry has nowhere to go so he returns to Paulie to ask for help and admits to dealing under the table. Feeling betrayed by Henry's drug dealing, Paulie gives him $3,200 and ends their association. Henry meets Jimmy at a diner and is asked to travel on a hit assignment, but the novelty of such a request makes him suspicious. Henry realizes that Jimmy plans to have him and Karen killed, prompting his decision to become an informant and enroll, with his family, in the witness protection program. He gives sufficient testimony to have Paulie and Jimmy arrested and convicted. Henry is grateful to be alive, but he is forced out of his gangster life and has to readjust to normal life once again; he narrates, "I'm an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook."

The end title cards state that Henry is still a protected witness as of 1990, but that he was arrested in 1987 in Seattle for narcotics conspiracy, receiving five years' probation. He has been clean since then. He and Karen separated in 1989 after 25 years of marriage, while Paulie died the previous year in Fort Worth Federal Prison at age 73 from respiratory illness. Jimmy is serving a 20 years to life sentence in a New York prison for murder, in which he will be paroled in 2004, when he will be 78 years old.

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Even more of an update from the end title cards, Henry Hill and Karen Hill divorced in 2001 and then Henry remarried and fathered one more child. Karen and her kids have lived in hiding and fear they will never escape possible retribution. Jimmy died in prison in 1996 before he was eligible for parole and Henry died in 2012 of cancer. With their history of explosive violence, I am kind of glad that all three of the main men (Tommy, Henry, and Jimmy) have shuffled off this mortal coil.

So I ended up watching this film three times in the last couple of weeks and I liked it less and less each time. So many people have such good things to say about the movies (including me), yet what the movie is most celebrated for is what I like the least. The first time I watched was with my housemates and they talked throughout the movie and laughed at the antics of Joe Pesci. I feel that many viewers enjoyed that crazy performance, and this was probably the reason for the Best Supporting Actor award. I am sure that capturing the volatile nature of a lunatic mafia hitman is very difficult and deserves praise.

I then watched it twice more to take notes on the different camera shots and then to compare to the real story of the Lucchese family and Lufthansa heist. I was not disappointed with the camera shots since Scorsese tends to let his actors go wild and then move the camera in interesting ways to capture the action while telling the story he wants to tell. He uses extreme close up shots and the vertigo trucking shot to represent the paranoia of Henry Hill and Jimmy Burke. He used the tracking shot to bring the audience into the world of the mafia man using the the character of Karen Hill as the “fish-out-of-water.” The choice of music was great including using the Sid Vicious rendition of the classic “My Way” popularized by Frank Sinatra. The colors were so bright in the beginning and became so bleak and washed out by the end. Fantastic cinematography and direction. 

By the last watch, I realized that I did not like Tommy DeVito (real life name Tommy DeSimone) because he made everybody around him scared. It was like having a pet feral tiger and just hoping that he never turned on you. He was not loyal at all. In actuality, he tried to rape Karen Hill while she was married to Henry. He really killed a young bartender named Spider because Jimmy was teasing him. He brutally attacked and murdered out of anger because he was completely unhinged. Just watching Joe Pesci play the part made me anxious and I wanted him to go away every time he appeared on screen. I guess this makes him a great actor, but it also doesn’t make me want to watch his movies. 

I brought this up with the Godfather movies on the list, but do Brooklyn based Italian-Americans act like these people in the movies? Constant noise in which men treat women terribly and the women go off to the kitchen and make food? I can except the loud large families and the giant shared meals, but I sure hope that the poor treatment of women and the huge lack of equality between the genders is fake or at least outdated. I have met some really nice Italian people who are nothing like the people in these films, so I believe it is a stereotype (if this is true, then Hollywood needs to stop promoting these stereotypes).

A final positive note towards the acting, I thought that Lorraine Bracco did a wonderful job as Karen Hill. She played a sheltered girl that wanted a little danger and got way more than she ever wanted. There is a scene in which she realizes that her husband is cheating and that she and her children are miserable and unprotected. She wakes up Henry with a gun in his face, but she can’t kill him because she wants that drama in her life. She is treated horribly and at one point barely walks away from a hit set up by Jimmy, yet she still stays with Henry until she is forced into the boring life of Witness Protection and she leaves him. After wading through the history of all the different characters from the movie, I actually find her story to be the most interesting.

In the end, I still want an answer for the same two questions. Does this film belong on the AFI top 100? Absolutely. It is a well made movie with a strong vision about one version of growing up in Brooklyn and how searching to realize the American dream can lead you down dark and dirty paths. Great vision by Scorsese and a well told story. Do I recommend it? Not really. I recommend doing the research on these American mobsters and get a feel for what these people were really like. I recommend checking out clips on YouTube that show the filming techniques that have become hallmarks of great directors. But don’t watch these portrayals and laugh. They are not fun or funny like they come off in the movie, these are horrible (yet interesting) people that should serve as a lesson/warning and not have their lives glamourized by Hollywood. 

[inkrabbit]

Sucker - Pete x Vance

 Sitting on his bed, yearbook resting in his lap, Pete stares at the signatures from the greasers. Summer break had started a few weeks ago, and while some students had gone back home or were on vacation outside of Bullworth, he had been trapped in his dorm. Sure, he went out occasionally to walk around town, see what was new at the cinema or get some fast food, but that was it. Even Jimmy had been too preoccupied to hang out with him, which wasn’t too much of a surprise. Sure, he had hoped maybe he could hang out with his best (and pretty much only) friend over the summer before the ginger went home, but when he found the dorm room closed and texts explaining he was working those odd jobs for extra cash, all those expectations had flew right out the window. Pete was used to being alone, sure, but this felt worse. Having finally made a friend and then to just be… forgotten.

 So here he was, feeling sorry for himself and wondering if he could ease it by taking Vance up on his old offer. Join the greasers at the tenements, hang out and forget – just for a moment – that he was a loser. But the phone number seemed so intimidating, and as Pete grabbed his phone, he found it hard to do anything. To power it on, input his password and create a new text message. What would he say? “Hey Vance, I’m feeling lonely and wanna hang out”? Did that sound too desperate – too emotionless? Should he ask him how he was doing and hope he would be invited to hang out? He didn’t know how Jimmy did it. He had seen his friend start up a conversation out of nowhere. Even whenever he would text Pete, it would sometimes just be a simple “wanna hang out?” message that seemed so nonchalant. Is that what he should send?

 His phone’s ringtone going off scares him, making him jump as he looks down at the caller ID. It’s a familiar phone number, and it’s only familiar because he’s spent the past hour or so staring at it in his yearbook. With a deep inhale, he accepts the call, holding his phone up to his ear.

“Hey, Vance! What’s up?” he greets, trying to sound confident as he closes the book, slipping it into his nightstand’s drawer.

“How’s it hangin’, big daddy?” What did he call him? Pete sits there, brows knitted together and mouth agape as the name replays over and over in his head. “You got my number memorized, huh? Now why’s that?”

“Ah, I was just gonna text you, actually,” he confesses, “Why do you have my number? I don’t remember giving it to you.”

“Jimmy gave it to me,” He can almost see the greaser shrug, his reply coming like it was the simplest thing in the world. “Now then, what were ya gonna text me?”

“Uh I guess – uh…” He’s stuck now, mind drawing a blank. He can hear Vance on the other side, an interested mhmm coming through loud and clear, curious to hear his reply. “I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out?”

 There’s silence on the other end for a bit, and now he’s worried that was the wrong thing to say. He should’ve asked how he was doing instead, cursing himself for blurting out the first thing that came to mind. However, he starts to hear shuffling, and he can faintly make out someone else in the background, but not one he recognizes from the academy.

“If you don’t shut your mouth – not you, Petey – I’m gonna shut it for you!” Vance’s booming voice makes him jump, the sound of a door slamming shut at the end of his threat, as if proving a point. With a sigh of relief, he starts again in a calmer tone. “Now, what was that? Hangin’ out? Sure!”

“Ah, are you okay?” he asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh, ya mean the yellin’?” he chuckles, the shuffling continuing on the other side of the call. “Sorry ‘bout all that. Sergio’s a bit of a prick sometimes.”

“Sergio?” Vance lets out a breath that sounds like a mixture of a scoff and a chuckle.

“Older bro,” he tells him softly, and that airy, jokey tone has vanished. “Likes to butt into my life a lot. Annoyin’, but that’s why I stay away from home so much.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were home…” He should’ve guessed. Vance wasn’t one of the quiet kids at Bullworth. He was probably busy for the summer, either being home or with friends.

“Nah, I need a break,” Pete can only guess he hears a window creaking open, and a few seconds later, Vance is letting out a huff. “You still at school? I’ll come swing by, pick you up. We can do whatever.”

“Really?” He tries to keep his cool and not sound like some desperate dweeb, but with the soft chuckle he gets, he knows he failed.

“Really. ‘Sides, I told ya to hit me up whenever. That’s why I gave you my number!” The comment makes him smile and Pete makes sure to let his appreciation be known. With a soft goodbye, he lets himself relax. A smile is plastered on his face and for a moment he wonders why Jimmy had given Vance his number. Whatever the reason, he doesn’t dwell on it too long. He knew Vance lived somewhere in New Coventry and he didn’t have long to get dressed.

 Setting his phone on the nightstand, he hops up from his bed and walks over to his wardrobe. He keeps it casual, knowing Vance wasn’t exactly someone who critiqued people’s fashion too harshly. The first thing he grabs is the old band shirt Jimmy had left when he spent the night months earlier. It’s simple enough, a white Billy Talent shirt with a little design, “like a fire!” right below it. It’s a little baggy and the material isn’t the thickest, but it’s something and truth be told, he had always liked the shirt. Or, just maybe, he liked how cool it had looked on Jimmy and he hoped it would look just as good on him. Throwing on some old jeans and his sneakers, he ruffles his hand through his hair, ridding himself of any lint. He lingers for a moment, staring at himself in the mirror. Maybe he would grow his hair out this year? Something new.

 With a shake of the head, he snatches his phone up and shoves it into his pocket, exiting his room and steering clear of Wade dumping one of the nerds into the nearby trashcan. Pushing open the doors, he jogs down the steps and makes his way over the main gate, anticipation coursing through him. A part of him is worried about how today’s events will transpire. What would they do? Would Vance make fun of him? Would he flake out? He did seem eager to meet up. But was that because he just wanted to get away from his brother?

“Ay, Petey!” He looks up, sending Vance a smile as the greaser approaches. Eyeing him up and down, Vance lets out a low whistle, eyebrows raised. “What’s your tale, nightingale? Ya look different!”

“Oh, I uh – I-I didn’t wanna make you wait,” he responds, letting out a nervous chuckle. Vance claps a hand on his shoulder, making him jump.

“Looks good on ya,” he tells him. Heat rushes to Pete’s face. How long had it been since someone had genuinely complimented him?

“T-thanks! You look good too!” It was the first time he had seen the teen like this. His hair had been slicked back, almost hastily, and while he still wore his leather jacket, the rest was different. A white dress shirt that had been unbuttoned, a black top underneath with matching jeans. Even his shoes were changed, old worn out high tops that were left untied.

“What? Ya like what ya see?” Vance’s teasing tone brings Pete out of his daze, the greaser laughing when he starts to stutter.

“I-I just – I mean I-” He takes a moment, breathing in and trying to collect himself as they start to walk. “Y-you just look different, too. Never seen you like that.”

“Got dressed quick,” he confesses, and even though his tone turns to a more calmer one, his smile never fades. “Wasn’t really expectin’ to go out today. Glad you asked, though. Sergio was startin’ his crap.”

“I never heard you talk of him,” That wasn’t much of a surprise. Pete had often kept his distance from shop class, intimidated of the clique and their hostile personalities. He wasn’t exactly the best at fixing bikes either and didn’t have much of a desire for it, which was why he had skipped it when filling out what extracurricular he had wanted. “What’s he like?”

 Vance hums a bit, lost in thought as they pass over the bridge that led into Old Bullworth Vale. He tells Pete of how Sergio used to go to Bullworth, and how he was the main reason he got into fixing bikes and wanting to eventually move on to cars. They lived in a broken home, their father occasionally bringing home some woman for the night and locking them out. Sergio would often steal the keys to the car before they were pushed out, giving them a warm and somewhat safe place to sit in throughout the night. Vance never knew if his brother slept those nights, but he remembered falling asleep in the passenger seat, the older teen behind the wheel with a scowl on his face and switchblade in hand. They often parked on the street in the richer part of town, but Sergio was paranoid, knowing of the delinquents that roamed around. Apparently they were worse those few years ago from the stories he heard and the cuts and bruises on his brother’s body when he would come home in the early mornings. Vance even bragged about knowing how to set a broken nose and pop a shoulder back into its socket, much to Pete’s horror.

 The stories of Sergio eventually turned into how Vance joined the greasers. Once the leader of the clique, he had filled Vance’s head with stories of shop class. The stupid antics he and the others would get into, the stories and conspiracy theories Neil would tell them. They all seemed very entertaining and fun, and it was no wonder Vance had wanted to experience it. Sergio had apparently appointed Johnny’s brother as leader, but had forced him to agree to watch over and take care of Vance when he started his high school life the following year, knowing how hostile the other member was. So before Vance had made friends with Lefty and made a strong connection, Johnny’s older brother was right by his side, deterring any other greaser that came up with ill intent.

“Maybe you’ll join us, too?” Vance’s suggestion catches Pete off guard, his eyes going wide as he looks at him. Could he ever really pass off as a greaser?

“I-I dunno,” he stammers softly, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck. “I-I don’t really see myself being… one of you guys.”

“I do!” he declares, a bright smile on his face. “C’mon! When school starts up, we’ll go talk to Neil!”

“We?” he repeats. Would Vance really go speak to the man with him to get him enrolled into shop?

“’Course! It’ll be fun!” he tells him confidently. His head is held high as he wraps an arm around his shoulder, bringing him closer. “You’ll have us to hang out with and protect you. What? You think sometimes I don’t wanna goof off in class?”

 The greasers had always seemed so serious when it came to their bikes, but he told a different story. How he, Ricky and Peanut would make jokes, harass each other and even start small fights. They had been sent out more times than he could count, and Pete thought what that would be like.

“I’ll think about it,” he finally tells him. Throwing his fist in the air, Vance lets out an overjoyed holler. Pete supposed he would be speaking to Neil when August rolled around, and he would be spending more time with the greasers. At least he wouldn’t be alone.

 Pete doesn’t realize they’ve made it all the way to the carnival until the loud music reaches his ears, having been too enticed in Vance’s interesting (and overly dramatic) stories. Some about the clique and some about his older brother. And as Vance pays for their way in, the greaser turns his attention to him.

“What about you?” he asks, curiosity thick in his voice as they find a bench to sit down on.

“W-what about me?” He lets out a nervous chuckle, avoiding the teen’s gaze.

“I told you all about me!” he starts as he raises his voice just a bit, “Now it’s your turn! What’s ol’ Petey’s life like?”

“Not as exciting as yours,” he confesses softly. Vance just scoffs, rolling his eyes with a smile on his face.

“Yeah, sure,” he dismisses with that snarky tone, “I seem to remember ya bein the one to operate that old hunk of junk in the junkyard way back when.”

“You mean the magnetized crane?” he clarifies, snicking as Vance rolls his eyes and waves a hand dismissively.

“Yeah, whatever,” He turns back to him, grin once again appearing on his face. “Now, again, tell me about yourself!”

“W-well...” There wasn’t much to tell, but Pete decided to share anyway. His story wasn’t as exciting or scary, but Vance seemed to take interest. He scoffed when Pete said his parents lived decently close to the school, but he lived in the dorm room anyway because his parents wanted “some peace and quiet”. No wonder he was so awkward. Vance would bet anything that his parents were to blame for the younger teen’s poor social skills. Not to mention his father was a librarian, and he wouldn’t be surprised if the man kept a quiet tone around the house too.

 When asked about any siblings, Pete could only shake his head. His parents were dismissive of his existence, often leaving him to his own devices, only coming around once in a while to check on him. His main entertainment was watching TV or playing video games, occasionally even drawing. His parents would buy him little sketchbooks, seemingly pleased that he had found something quiet to do without them having to hear noises coming from the television set. He did admit that he had a hamster at one point, an orange and white long-haired rodent that was his best friend for a few years before it passed from old age. It was sad that he didn’t even seem to have friends growing up, his parents not wanting him to go out in fear he would get hurt or taken. Maybe that was the only nice thing Vance had heard about the couple, but Pete had been right. His stories weren’t as exciting. Apparently his first year at the academy had been the most thrilling time of his life, and Jimmy had been his first and only friend. Vance couldn’t imagine having a life so… sad.

“How’s ‘bout we keep makin’ this depressin’ life of yours fun?” Vance suggests, a glint flashing across his eyes as he grabs the younger teen’s hand, pulling him up from the bench. Pete falters and stutters out a flurry of questions, almost tripping over his feet as he tries to keep up with the teen’s fast pace. Vance is just a bundle of laughter, promising him a night he wouldn’t forget.

 They start at the back of the park first, walking through the freak show and marveling at the people behind the glass.  Alfred, the skeleton man, had been the first freak to greet them, eyeing Pete as he took a drag from his cigarette. Seeing his bones poke out through his skin had sent shivers down his spine, and his voice held something Pete couldn’t quite place. As they made their way further in, they could hear Paris talking, making some remark about the show she was watching. Sitting on her couch with legs spread, she sent them an acknowledging smile as she picked up a few chips, throwing them into her mouth as she scratched at her beard. Of course, Vance had a couple remarks about her, but Pete had tried to drown him out as he led him throughout the rest of the freak show.

 The others had all been interesting, and Pete had wondered how life could be so weird. Siamese twins, a mermaid that Vance wasn’t too sure was real. However, the one who stuck out the most to Pete was Drew, the crazy painted man. His screaming and incoherent rambling had already made the teen nervous, but when the man threw himself against the bars of his enclosure, he had jumped back with a shriek, scared the bars wouldn’t hold him. Vance had grabbed his arm, steadying him as he tried to calm his nerves.

“He’s just actin’,” he tells him as he shoots an agitated glance at Drew, “Guy’s just some wacko. Probably doin’ this for the easy money.”

 Pete just nodded his head as he followed him, but the screaming had stuck with him, and he was sure it would for the rest of his life. And though he didn’t want to admit it, he was more than overjoyed to have walked out of the freak show, letting out a breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding in. Maybe it was the dark lighting or how cramped everything felt, but Pete didn’t like it, only noticing once they were outside just how close he had been walking to Vance.

“How about we try out those rides ‘fore it gets any darker?” It’s only now that Pete realizes the sun is starting to set. With a smile, he gives him a nod and follows him over to the Big Squid. The line moved quick through the queue, and before they knew it, they were being seated in one of the carts. The monotone voice of Freeley comes through over the speakers, the request that everyone keeps hands and feet inside and not try to stand up during the ride. And when it starts, picking up speed and throwing them around, Pete can’t keep the smile off of his face, occasionally glancing over to Vance, seeing him laughing as well. It felt nice for Pete, to feel like he finally belonged somewhere or meant something to someone.

 By the time they get off, both are a bit dizzy. Pete raises his hand to rest it on Vance’s shoulder in order to stabilize himself, but when he finally registers the cool leather beneath his palm, he pulls away, worried about what response he would receive from the greaser. However, Vance just gives him a joyful smile as he leads him over to the roller coaster. They’re not seated in the front, Pete being too nervous, so both opt for the cart in the middle.

“Lemme slide by ya there,” Vance’s voice is soft as he moves over Pete, who’s sitting in the seat closest to the steps they had just walked up. They pull the bar down securely, Pete giving a few extra tugs to ensure it wouldn’t be going anywhere. Of course this doesn’t go unnoticed, and the greaser snickers softly at the younger teen’s actions. Once more, they hear the monotone announcement before the ride starts, launching them towards the opening of the canyon before pulling them up. Everyone else on the ride has their arms raised, but Pete’s holding onto the metal bar for dear life. And as they approach the top of the hill, he screws his eyes shut, body tensing as he prepares for the worse.

 A scream is pulled from him as the coaster falls down the hill, and Vance reaches over to pry his left hand from the handle bar, raising it into the air with his, yelling at him to just let loose and have fun. Although his body is trembling a bit from the fall, he takes the advice and finally opens his eyes, loosening the grip he had on his other hand and letting it raise into the air as well. Vance is still holding his hand, palms pressed together as Pete grips him with almost the same intensity as he was the bar. However, despite the biting wind in his face and the sharp turns that throw him into the teen, Pete can’t keep the large smile off of his face. Vance is right, this is a lot more fun. And as the coaster returns its original spot, the two are still laughing. The bar rises and Pete stands up, stepping out, still holding Vance’s hand to keep him steady and make sure he doesn’t trip as the greaser asks him how his hair looks. There’s one more ride and as they walk over, Pete has to stop the teen before he pays yet again for their fun.

“You’ve paid for everything!” he tells him with a laugh, digging out a dollar from his pocket and giving it to the operator. “It’s time I paid for something.”

“Well, ain’t you just the sweetest,” Vance smiles at him as he leads him over to the rickety seat. He scoots over to the end, allowing Pete to climb in after him, both pulling down the bar that creaked loudly. The ride starts, jerking them forward a bit as they follow the curve up. The sun’s set by now, and the carnival lights illuminate below them as they’re taken higher and higher up. Pete shivers as the soft breeze picks up, but he tries to concentrate on the view around them. He can see the beach in the distance, the lighthouse’s light rotating around. Their cart stops at the very top, rocking slightly and Pete looks below. They’re so high off the ground, it’s intimidating. Another shiver runs through him, this one out of fear.

“You cold?” Vance questions, cocking his head as he looks at him. Pete lets out a soft hum, eyebrows raised as he turns his gaze to meet his. Vance just gives him a cheeky smile as he brings his hands up, gripping his jacket and removing it from him. It was the first time Pete had seen a greaser without their iconic coat on, and he was honestly surprised to see that he actually had some muscle to him.

“U-uh… what’re you doing?” Pete’s confused when Vance drapes the jacket over his shoulders, but the warmth he feels is more than welcoming.

“You’re cold, ain’t ya?” he asks with a small chuckle, “I’m fixin’ it!”

“Y-you don’t h-have to,” he stammers softly, but Vance doesn’t seem to be taking no for an answer. He just sits there, a smile on his face as he tilts his head up, looking at the stars.

“Glad ya asked me out, ya know?” he starts, catching Pete off guard. He was glad? “Gets kinda… crazy at home sometimes, and everyone else was off doin’ their own thing. Managed to find Jimmy and get your number, just to chat but… well, you had a better idea.”

“Yeah, I hear ya,” he agrees, going to hold the jacket close as he matches Vance’s smile. “I don’t really got anyone except Jimmy, and he’s been busy. I'm too cool to be a dork, and too dorky to be anything else, so I’m always just… alone.”

“No you’re not,” The confident tone makes Pete knit his eyebrows together. “Ya got me now! And soon, you’ll have the greasers! Peanut’s gonna be the leader, and I just know he’d be happy to have ya!”

“Maybe cause I’m Jimmy’s friend,” he scoffs softly, looking to the ground as the ride resumes, slowly bringing them down. “I just… I wanna feel like I exist without him, you know?”

“You do,” Vance wraps an arm around his shoulders, bringing him closer to him. “You and me? We’re existin’, right now, without Jimmy. And you’ll be existing, without Jimmy, when you join us.”

“Yeah, sure. We’ll see,” Maybe it was the low self-esteem Pete always had throughout his life. How dull and mediocre it was, and how the most exciting thing to ever happen to him was falling in with the only two psychopaths in all of Bullworth. “Just feels like I only had a meaning when Gary and Jimmy showed up in my life.”

“And you’d be wrong,” As they get to the bottom and the railing lifts, the two make their way out of the old cart, thanking the man and being on their way. When they walk to the gates, Vance’s arm finds its way back across Pete’s shoulder and they fall into step towards the exit. “Tonight’s been amazing, and it’s because you asked me to come hang. Not Jimmy, and sure as hell not Gary. Don’t see any of those two makin’ you do this.”

“You’re right,” he chuckles. They walk back through the tunnel, Vance still giving him a pep talk he probably needed years ago. He’s still holding onto the jacket, his face tinted red and a smile pulling at his lips. It’s not long before they get into a more friendly conversation, making jokes and thoughts about what the next school year would hold. Vance kept referring to him as the newest greaser, and at this point, Pete wasn’t even denying him or the idea. He loved the thought in fact. To be part of a clique and feel like he belonged? Have something relatively close to a family that would care for him and make him feel like he mattered? It was almost like a dream come true.

 They walk all the way back to school, sneaking past the prefects that were out prowling, looking for any students breaking curfew. It was a lot warmer inside the dorms when they entered, the doors shutting loudly behind them as they walked down the hall and towards Pete’s room. However, that was as far as Vance went. Standing outside of his room, he’s practically beaming at the younger teen.

“I had fun,” he tells him, and Pete can only nod in agreement. They stood closely together, and the faint smell of Vance’s cologne mixed with the cigarettes he smoked almost religiously had radiated off of him. It was nice, calming in a way.

“I uh – I’m uh… I-I’m really glad you called,” Pete laughs, turning his gaze to the floor. “Not sure I would’ve been able to text you.”

“Me too,” Curling his index finger under Pete’s chin, Vance raises his face so he’s looking at him again. Softly brushing his thumb across his bottom lip, he leans in to press a kiss to his mouth. Eyes going wide, Pete stares at him in disbelief when he pulls away, hearing a chuckle. “You have a good night, Petey. Maybe we can hang out again tomorrow.”

��He opens his mouth to say something – anything, but nothing comes out. So instead, his just nods, his face on fire as the greaser chuckles once again. He takes a step back, gives him one last smile and finally moves to leave the dorm. Pete’s knees feel weak, his heart racing, thudding so loud against his chest that it reverberates in his ears. He turns to go inside of his room, but a gasp escapes his lips. He rushes after Vance, flinging the heavy door to the dorm rooms open.

“Y-your jacket!” he calls after the teen. Turning back with an innocently confused face, he looks Pete up and down. The leather jacket is still hanging from his shoulders. It was cute that he didn’t put his arms through the sleeves.

“You keep it,” he tells him, a smug grin forming. “Every greaser needs a leather jacket! Consider it a gift!”

“O-oh, o-okay…” He smiles, shrinking in on himself just a bit. “Thank you! I’ll take good care of it!”

 Vance just nods, turning his heels and continuing his way out of school grounds and towards home. Pete watches him until he makes a right, disappearing behind the walls. With a soft sigh, he closes the door and returns to his room. He gently takes the jacket off, hanging it on the coat hanger by the door. His heart fluttered as he admired it, and he couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face. He owed Jimmy his gratitude, and come the beginning of the school year, he was going to make his way down to shop class and speak with Neil about joining.

[the--blackdahlia]

Biggest Fan (Vince x Reader)

Title: Biggest Fan

Summary:  Vince and (Y/n) have been friends for years, and she is his biggest fan.

Warnings: Nothing that I can think of.

(Y/n) sat in the crowd, watching as Vince stood on the homemade stage singing covers of old songs. It was a party that his current girlfriend was throwing, and of course, she was going to be there to support her best friend. Rock Candy was a popular cover band and (Y/n) loved hearing Vince sing. She remembered back in the summer between junior high and high school when she got deathly ill and had to spend weeks in the hospital, Vince had made her a tape of him singing her favorite songs to help cheer her up.

She still had that tape and listened to it from time to time.

“This one is for all you trouble makers out there! It’s Smokin’ in the Boys Room by Brownsville Station!” Vince announced into the microphone, getting a cheer from the crowd. (Y/n) smiled and clapped as the band launched into the song. She eyed three guys at the edge of the party that looked out of place. Well, two of them did, with their long black hair and pale skin. But the third she recognized from school. He had been younger than her, but they had been in marching band together.

After Smokin’ in the Boys Room, the band started in on My Kinda Lover by Billy Squire. (Y/n) stayed in her seat, watching as the girls swarmed him. Her heart hurt a little bit. She knew that Vince only saw her as a sister and nothing more, but she wished that he would smile at her the way he smiled at other girls.

“Woo Vinny!” She heard one of the strange guys call out. The song was done and Vince headed her way, only to be sidetracked by his girlfriend and taken towards the bar. (Y/n) was about to cut out, when she saw the guy that she recognized heading up to Vince. They hugged and the guy handed him a tape, telling him to call him and his band before disappearing with the other two.

“(Y/n)!” Vince called out, making his way over to her. “Did you see the show?”

“Yeah, you’re amazing as always.” She smiled.

“You’d say that even if I wasn’t.” He laughed. A real laugh and it made (Y/n)’s heart flutter.

“What can I say? When you make it big, I’ll be leading the Vince Neil fan club.” She looked at the tape in his hand. “Who was that guy?”

“Oh, Tommy Bass. Or Lee. I guess he’s going by Lee now. I don’t know why. Tommy Lee sounds stupid.” Vince smirked.

“You already said you’ll go with Vince Neil instead of Vincent Wharton,” (Y/n) teased. “So not that much of a difference.”

“Hey, have you ever heard of a rockstar named Wharton? I don’t think so,” Vince smiled. “So, (Y/n), I was wondering if…”

“Vince!” His girlfriend called out to him. “Come here!”

“Better go before she gets pissed,” (Y/n) sighed. “I’ll see you around Vince. Call me and tell me where the next gig is.” She started to leave. Vince looked back at his girlfriend then turned back to where (Y/n) had been, only to see her gone.

****

The phone was ringing as (Y/n) unlocked her apartment and made her way in. The light was already blinking with a message and she almost just let it go to the machine but decided to pick it up. If it was work, she would just tell them no.

“Hello?” (Y/n) answered.

“About time!” Vince replied. “I’ve tried calling you for hours!”

“I was working,” (Y/n) sighed. “Almost had to pull a triple shift.”

“Damn, I’m sorry. But I’ve got exciting news,” Vince told her. “Tommy and his weird ass friends started a band. I ended up joining them and we’re booked to play the Starwood! Friday night with a chance of a show on Saturday!”

“That’s fantastic Vince!” (Y/n) smiled. “I’ll try my hardest to be there.”

“I hope so. Can’t go on without my biggest fan there.” He was smiling on the other end. She heard some banging on the other end followed by a “goddammit Tommy” and some crashing. “Hey, I gotta go. Sounds like Tommy broke something of Nikki’s probably.”

“Okay. I’ll see you Friday night.” (Y/n) smiled before they hung up. She threw herself down on the bed. She was so proud of Vince. She always knew he was going to be a big star.

But she also knew that meant he was leaving her behind, and that made her heart hurt more than anything.

****

The Friday gig turned into a Saturday gig as well. (Y/n) had arrived at the Starwood just as Vince launched himself at a heckler, wearing the leather pants his girlfriend had gotten him. She watched as two of the three remaining bandmates went to help him, the third one staying on the stage and delivering a mean kick to a guys face who got near him. But once the fighting was over, the band played and were really well received. So (Y/n) made sure to be at the Starwood the next night.

“You made it!” Vince said after the set.

“Yeah!  A lot busier than it was last night. Motley Crue is really bringing them in.” She smiled proudly at her best friend.

“Wanna meet the guys?” He asked.

“Tommy and his weird friends? Sure. What could it hurt?” (Y/n) smiled as Vince took her hand and led her backstage to where Tommy, Nikki, and Mick were.

“Guys! This is (Y/n), my best friend for pretty much my whole life,” Vince smiled proudly. Tommy looked up and his eyes about fell out of his head.

“Holy shit! Clarinet girl!” He laughed. “Hot damn, it’s like a high school reunion back here!”

“The only difference is she actually graduated. Can’t say the same about us,” Vince laughed.

“Hey,” Nikki said, taking her hand and kissing it. “I’m Nikki.” (Y/n) felt her cheeks turn red and if she didn’t know better, she would’ve sworn that Vince looked jealous.

“Mick,” Mick said from his corner. (Y/n) took in the band and smiled.

“Well, I bet you guys have a lot of stuff you need to do, so I’ll just be going,” (Y/n) headed towards the door. “It was nice meeting you all.”

“Hopefully we’ll see you around more.” Nikki winked at her, causing her red cheeks again. She headed out the door.

“(Y/n) wait!” Vince called, following her out into the hallway.

“Yeah?” She asked, turning to look at her best friend.

“I was wondering if maybe we could…” Vince was cut off by a familiar voice.

“Vince honey!” His girlfriend, the same girl from the party, called out. (Y/n) sighed.

“See ya Vince.” She told him as she walked away.

“(Y/n)!” He called after her, but she kept walking. His girlfriend draped herself over him and started kissing him, but his mind left with (Y/n).

****

“Your friend is pretty hot,” Nikki told Vince at practice. “Is she single?”

“Stay away from her,” Vince growled.

“Woah, are you jealous?” Nikki asked. “What about Lovey?”

“I’m not jealous. Can we just practice?” Vince asked. Nikki looked at Tommy and smirked. Vince was so jealous.

****

The Starwood closed down not long after the boys played there, but they were constantly booked at The Roxy, Rainbow, Viper Room, and even the Whiskey. (Y/n) tried to make it to as many gigs as she could, apologizing in advance when she couldn’t. But everything was always the same. Vince up there, paying attention to all the girls in the audience, and then afterward, he would be pulled away from any conversation that they had by his new girl that week.

And yeah, Nikki would flirt with (Y/n), but it didn’t really matter to her. So finally, she had enough and decided to stay home instead of going to the Roxy to watch them play.

“Guys, where’s (Y/n)?” Vince asked as they headed out to start their set.

“There’s so many people here. She could be blended in,” Tommy told him. “We’ll find her after.”

Vince didn’t find her at the Roxy after their gig, but he did find her at a diner not too far away, snacking on a root beer float and listening to her Walkman with an all too familiar cassette in it.

“Where the hell were you?” Vince asked, sliding into the booth across from her. (Y/n) pulled off her headphones.

“What?” She asked.

“Where the hell were you? You weren’t at the gig and you always are.” Vince told her.

“I decided not to go.” She said with a shrug. She threw some money on the table and walked out of the diner, the blond singer following her.

“Why not?” He asked, walking by her.

“Watching you get groped by women while your bassist flirts with me? I’m kinda over it.” She told him.

“If Nikki makes you uncomfortable, I’ll punch him or something,” Vince told her.

“It’s not Nikki!” (Y/n) said. “I can’t stand watching you go from girl to girl and not even look at me! Because I’ve been in love with you since sophomore year when we went on that trip to San Francisco without telling anyone!” She wiped at her eyes and looked at Vince, who was standing there, looking dumb face. “Forget it.”

She started to walk off, and that’s what pulled Vince out of his mind.

“(Y/n)! Wait!” Vince called. He tried to go after her, but Nikki and Tommy stepped in his way to convince him to join them at a party. “Guys, move!”

“What’s going on?” Tommy asked as he pushed past them.

But (Y/n) was gone.

****

Vince called (Y/n), but she didn’t answer. She worked as much as she could, thinking about saving up and moving to San Diego, leaving the LA and Hollywood area. She kept track of Motley Crue over the next couple years and did go see a few sets but she always left before they finished. She wasn’t sure if Vince saw her, but she knew Nikki and Tommy did because Tommy came up to her as she was leaving one of the clubs one night. She had been distracted by something and hadn’t left for the end of the set.

“(Y/n)!” Tommy called out. (Y/n) stopped and turned to look at him. “Where have you been? Vince has missed you.”

“I’m sure he has.” (Y/n) grumbled.

“He really has,” He told her. “We got signed up a real label, and he tried to call to tell you. He was really upset when you didn’t answer.”

“Well, I’m sure he’ll make do.” She looked over Tommy’s shoulder to where he was chatting up a blonde dancer from a club down the strip. Tommy turned to look at what she had seen and cursed.

“Vince!” He called out. Vince looked up at the drummer and saw (Y/n) standing there with him. Nikki and Mick came outside and could feel the tension in the air.

“(Y/n)...” Vince left the dancer and headed towards her, but she was already walking away. Tommy stopped him before he could go to her. “Tommy…”

“It’s too late man,” Tommy told him. “She’s gone.”

“Damn it!” Vince called out. “I messed up Tommy.”

“I know dude,” Tommy looked back at the other two, not really sure what to do.

****

It was a few months later when (Y/n) grabbed her mail before letting herself into her apartment. It was the typical bills and junk, but one envelope stuck out. A larger, manilla envelope with the Elektra Records logo on it. Opening it, (Y/n) scanned the letter.

Ms. (L/n),

On behalf of us here at Elektra Records, I would like to extend this invitation to you to join our bands at the Long Beach Arena this weekend. Please respond ASAP to the attached business card so we may set up a time for the car to pick you up.

Sincerely,

Tom Zutaut

“I’m...what?” (Y/n) asked, herself. Inside the packet of things was a business card. That’s all that was in the envelope, and it seemed that it was only in there so the letter wouldn’t be folded. She looked at the card, picked up the phone, and called.

****

That’s how (Y/n) ended up in a limo heading towards the Long Beach arena. She didn’t have any tickets or backstage passes yet. Tom had told her that she would get them once she was in the arena. Something about how he was told not to spoil the surprise at the risk of losing his balls. The limo pulled into a parking area under the arena and Tom was there to show her to the backstage area.

“I’m just confused. What am I doing here?” (Y/n) asked.

“Well, you’re going to find out eventually.” He handed her the backstage pass and ticket.

Motley Crue.

“Oh no.” (Y/n) turned to leave but a 6’2 body stopped her, almost knocking her on her butt.

“You made it!” Tommy said excitedly. (Y/n) looked up at the drummer. “I was worried Tom spilt the beans and you wouldn’t come.”

“He said someone threatened to remove his balls if he told me,” (Y/n) said. “Does Vince know I’m here?”

“It was his idea,” Tommy told her. “Come on.” He led her back to the dressing rooms, knocking loudly on Vince’s door. Vince opened it, all glammed out, and smiled as he saw her.

“(Y/n), you’re here.” He smiled.

“Yeah…” She said, looking down at her feet. Vince shot a glare at Tommy.

“I’m just gonna...go annoy Mick.” Tommy quickly left. Vince let (Y/n) into his dressing room.

“How have you been? You look great,” Vince told her. “I was worried that it wouldn’t get to you. Afraid you had moved on.”

“I’m still here,” She sat on the edge of the couch and watched him. “I heard about your accident. I tried to call but a woman hung up on me.”

“Yeah, that was Beth,” He sighed. “We’re no longer together…”

“I see,” (Y/n) nodded. There was a silence in the air. Before Motley Crue and all that fame, they could talk about anything. But now, (y/n) thought they were too strangers just going through the motions. “Well, I guess I should let you get ready for your concert.” She went to stand up before Vince stopped her.

“I love you too!” He told her. (Y/n) froze and turned to look at him. “I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a long time.”

“Then why did you act the way you did that night I told you?” (Y/n) asked, looking into his eyes. Vince walked towards her.

“Because I didn’t think I was going anywhere, and I was amazed that a girl like you could ever fall for a bum like me,” Vince admitted. “You deserve the world, and I’m finally in a spot where I can give it to you.”

“Vince…”

“When the accident happened, the only thing I could think of was you. Not Beth, or any other woman in my life. It’s always been you (Y/n), and it took you walking away from me to make me realize it.” He cupped her face and leaned in. He brushed his lips against hers before fully connecting. (Y/n) closed her eyes and tilted her head, letting Vince pull her closer. Finally, after a little while, they broke apart.

“I missed you Vince,” (Y/n) whispered as he rested his forehead against hers.

“I missed you so much (Y/n),” Vince told her softly. “I don’t want to play any more shows without my biggest fan.” (Y/n) laughed a little. Vince was about to kiss her when there was a loud bang on the door.

“Come on asshole! We have a show to do!” Nikki called out. Vince and (Y/n) both laughed a little.

“Will you be here when I get done?” Vince asked. (Y/n) nodded.

“No place else I’d rather be,” (Y/n) smiled. “I am the president of the Vince Neil fan club.” He laughed and kissed her again before heading out. (Y/n) made her way to the area to watch the show, Vince’s eyes locking with hers as he performed.

The End

Forever Tags:  @anathewierdo @dekahg @marvel-af-imagines @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk @sandlee44 @shatteredabby @caswinchester2000 @supernaturalwincestsblog @lauravic @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk @Fgkk

Motley Crue  Tags:  @primal-screamer @waywardprincess666 @twistnet @saint-of-los-angeles @vader-kai @motleyfuckingcruee

[seenashwrite]

Notes From Nash: Season 15 Episode 2

We're back! And by that, I don't mean back for episode #2, I mean we're back in the little town, same little town we were in for the majority of episode #1. And as far as how ep #2 compares with ep #1.... um.....  

The writers ain't in no damn rush to advance the plot or further character development, are they? So this is basically ep #1 all over again with some guest star overload as a substitute for those two very important aspects of storytelling I just mentioned.

[stares at date]

They've got *how* many eps to wrap up the show? 

Hoo-boy.

Spoilers below the cut.

Changing it up from last time (see link at bottom), I thought I'd go in order of the ep this post. All right. Let's roll.

From the mom who gets 86'd in the opening------

And, PS: That's not disemboweled. Don't use the word if you (a) don't know what it means and/or (b) won't let make-up/effects do their job.

-----to the rest of the people, I care nothing. There was no point giving all these extras lines and whatever little backstories, I give no fucks. Mainly because, gee, I don't know, I signed up for a show about two brothers goin' out there and gettin' after it, and thus far we've gone about two inches and gotten nothing.

Are we still in this little town?

More questions, borrowing from the dialogue some here:

"Remember when we did the thing with Amara?"

"God's sister?"

"And the soul bomb? And here's how it worked? Remember? Because you participated? REMEMBER?! I'm not just saying this for the benefit of, oh wait, no one, because the chances of brand new viewers coming into the game this late is virtually nil, so everyone - including us, here, in this scene, our characters - already know this backstory, ergo the only reason for exposition anvils is to benefit those viewers, who - as we've already established - likely don't exist. So let's run through this for the benefit of, I have to assume, the writers who don’t actually, you know, watch the show as evidenced by--- well, we’d be here all day."

Nope. No, no. Those aren't questions I had. Because I've been watching the show for a good while now. This exchange should’ve been something to the effect of - “I was thinking - remember how we did the soul bomb, with Amara? Do you think you could pull off something like that? To trap them?” and then Rowena responds with uncertainty but will give it a try, etc. I mean, the writing in this ep is thus far pedestrian.

There's still no explanation for why these ghosts - especially these super notorious ghosts like Ripper and Lizzie and who-fuck-ever - were lingering so close together that they were able to be trapped by the stupidest ex machina spell in the writing world. And what of the others? The entirety of hell escaped. We've seen, what, maybe 20? Could there maybe have been a throw-a-way line to Belphagor something like “Did you corral the worst douchebags together”, or “Is there a bar in hell where the worst douchebags hang out or something”, or “this is just our luck that the worst douchebags landed here” or WHATEVER, just SOMETHING to acknowledge they (the writers) recognize that Convenient Super Bad Ghosts Are Convenient.

IT'S KETCH, BITCHES!

I love this character. What a breath of fresh air that snarky piece of ass has been. I hope he doesn't get killed. He will. Because we can't have anything good. But there is some good, which is the Ketch-Rowena flirting. Honestly, I'm fine with Rowena getting action from anyone. She's awesome and she's earned it. Ketch is primo catch, though. (I'm not sorry for that sentence. I am, but I'm not.)

The repeated use of Belphagor's name pleases myself and my podcast co-host. Should you wish to know more about that demon, please do check out our podcast. Don't look him up first, trust us. That they have chosen this particular demon's name is just *chef's kiss*, though I do hope it's not a foreshadowing for how the rest of the season is going to go. Okay fine, I'll spoil it: he's a shit demon. He deals in poo. Literally. I'm not lying. Go forth to the podcast @youtotallymadethatup​ - just about every post links you to where you can listen. /shameless self-promo

IT'S AMARA, BITCHES!

Let's hope that wardrobe does her better than that ill-fitting black dress this go 'round, she deserves better.

"You're the darkness, I'm the light."

STOP IT. STOP. FUCK. STOP.

Are we still in this little town?

Blah blah blah Castiel Dean angst repeating essentially what's already been said at the end of 14 and last week blah. "You know what's real? We are." Not if it's an alternate timeline, my love. 

I keep forgetting just how many spaced-out chains you need to have strewn about your standard meat packing plant and/or factory, well played, set dec and props. That.... that was sarcasm.. (Look, I got no beef with the crew, they're just playing the cards they've been dealt, and their hands are garbage, just a pile of same ol' same ol' stereotypical, unimaginative stuff, so bless them. I hope every single one of them has a job lined up next year, truly. They have more than paid their dues and earned it. Lord knows especially since certain parties took the reins, good night nurse. I've digressed. )

IT’S KEVIN BI----

This is dumb. This is actually dumb. In case you didn't see my half-time post, and I quote:

That is *three* in under twenty minutes. Like, it’s episode 2. You’re blowing your wad. Pace yourselves. AND MAYBE SOME STORY ADVANCING, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME

This bullet thing could be hella interesting. It *could* be. I wonder if it will be. 

These ghosts are painfully uninteresting. The guy playing the Ripper is horribly miscast. This needed to be someone who... who.... I dunno, is a good actor. He's not. Sorry, Pops. I mean, even Osric (who is an excellent actor) couldn't elevate that scene.

This episode is painful.

Are we still in this little town?

Ketch got knocked out, left alone with ghost, deffo gonna get possessed. 

Are we still talking to these ghosts? Why? Why is Kevin thinking he can go up against them alone? I'm not exactly sure what threat they are to him, can't he just disappear and whoosh somewhere else? I missed something, I must've missed something. It doesn't matter, none of this matters.

Okay, Belphagor says there's at least a hundred. Still, what would that be, like 1/2500000000th of hell? Why are the Winchesters, of all people, and now Rowena concentrating on this stupid little town----

Are. We. Still. In. This. Little. Town.

---why in the fuck aren't the most renowned hunters of modern time and their angel friend and the powerful witch friend and the friend with immense tactical knowledge regarding weaponry for supernatural shit not at the bunker strategizing and planning and... and... and.... I just.... 

Lookit, I've said this before: especially in fantasy/sci-fi stuff, if you are logical in every possible place you can be, if you nail the simple shit, then the audience is exponentially more likely to buy into the fantastical stuff, and also to be more forgiving (or not notice altogether) when you inevitably whiff, because nobody's perfect, of course. But this show in later years has notoriously screwed the pooch on the easy stuff, and here we are, in some needlessly convoluted mess right out of the gate in the last season ever.

::sighs::

Oh, look. Because of course he's possessed. You left him alone with a ghost. I'm neither a professional writer nor a psychic, I'm just thinking "What is predictable as possible?" and saying that. You try it. It's worked for me so far.

"I tried to heal him it didn't work" - well maybe he's still residually possessed. Or maybe you suck. Sorry Cas, you don't deserve that. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's them. It's the writers. I don't know what this line is about unless they're teeing up Cas to be even more neutered than he already is. I legit don't know, I can't think, I'm so irritated right now. 

"Nothing to hold you anywhere" - what? Really? Seriously? So what are you and Dean? Y'all ain't his family? Let that little badass haunt the bunker. He'd be the most awesome research assistant ever. Now THAT is a good plot point, have ol' Kev be home base, helping coordinate whatever's coming. Oh here we go, swishy swishy hand, magic hole, nobody knows why this demon can do all this shit, and Kevin's gone. Why? WHY. My idea is better. No way Osric would blow your guest star budget, it appears to be shaping up to be immense, especially with all the money you've saved so far on location(s). 

Shoulda kept him rest of season, let him assist, then his final reward is getting into heaven for reals when Cas (they'll probs kill him, tho) or Amara (maybe, seems too obvi a choice tho, and she doesn't give a shit about beng a ruler, we knew that back in whatever season that was) or Jack (because why not, it's the most ridiculous idea, since he's got the mind of a toddler, meaning it's something the writers would think is a great idea) or Billie (wild card guess) is the new God. Or have him brought back to life, fuck, I don't care.

So is the bullet trapping Chuckster on earth, is the question, and if so what kind of all-knowing deity puts a weapon in the hand of a potential enemy that could render him even a *touch* weaker? Where's the long game, there? What could any possible reasoning be? 

Okay, well, the scenes between Emily and Rob have been the best part of the episode, as well as the interaction with Ruthie and DHJ. Everything else fell flat. J2M seemed to be bored and phoning it in, and it's not often that can be said about any of those three.

I swear, if the preview shows that we're still in this little town for episode #3.... wait, is that the crypt from ep #1?.... are.... are we..... 

ARE WE STILL IN THIS LITTLE TOWN

What have we learned? Other than Chuck, no character development. The plot remains that some ghosts-interchangeably-used-with-souls from hell are trapped in a confined area, and it was via a tenuous spell provided by a demon whose motivations are unknown, and there's something up with that bullet wound. We knew those already.

(There's possibly something wrong with either Cas or Ketch -- or else that's something that will be completely forgotten was ever mentioned -- but we don't know either way and we don't know what it is, therefore we didn't learn anything; if this does ultimately turn out to be something, then we'll count it as a learned item for that episode.) 

So, minus learning that Chuck is weakened somehow and that at least for right now Amara’s not exactly in his corner, we're in the exact same place story-wise that we were in last week. 

And looks like we'll be back there again next week. 

See you next week, I guess.

=================================

Past posts, from newest to oldest (and I sometimes do addendums if a response warrants)

Episode 1

.

[mlmdarkfiction]

Oh, Where Have You Been, Billy Boy?

A multichapter fic of Billy Lenz X Transman!Reader

Story Description:

You've taken the newly vacant position as head nurse of The Ontario Criminal Institute, a hospital to take care of and study the criminally mentally ill. One of the patience under your care happens to be the infamous Billy Lenz, a man who was caught one year after highhandedly destroying an entire sorority brutally. All you want is to give Billy, and the other patients at the Institute, the help and care they seem to have been seriously lacking under the direction of the last head nurse.

Chapter 1 Description;

TWs: none for this chapter

You experience your first day of training at the Institute and have your first interaction with the infamous Billy Lenz. 

Taglist: @datenightfright

Read Below:

There’s lots of reasons to be excited for starting your new job. It pays better, it has better benefits, and most importantly is closer to your home. Really, there’s only one major downfall about your new job, the patients. You’re going from being an Extensive Care nurse to a nurse in a facility holding the criminally insane. Before you rarely had any conscious patients to deal with, but now you’d be thrusted into a world of not only awake, but highly dangerous patients.

The thing is, you feel a lot of sympathy for these individuals. After all, criminals or not, they’re sick. And sick people need care. That was the main thing that drove you to take the job, not the extra pay or the benefits, that’s all nice of course, but more than anything you wanted to help people.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Sergei, your boyfriend of the last five years, hovers nervously behind you as you dress in your scrubs, ready for the first actual day on the job. He’s been against your decision to go work at the Ontario Criminal Institute since the very beginning, you’d thought he’d gotten more used to the idea, but obviously not.

“It will be fine, Serg.” While you appreciate his concern, he as always, comes off a bit too strong. You wish he would understand that you’re not only capable of taking care of yourself, but capable of making your own complex decisions as well. “Besides, today is just to get the feel of things. Mrs.Macaty will be there the whole time to show me the ropes.”

You’ve not yet met Mrs.Macaty in person. What you know of her mostly comes from the phone calls you had over the phone, and what the head of staff at the institute had told you during your initial job interview. Mrs.Macaty was the head nurse for the institute, and had worked there for many years before finally deciding a few months ago to put in her retirement. Before she left the Institute for good she promised to show you what will be expected of you.

“I love you,” You press your lips to Sergei’s stumbled cheek as you make your way to grab your car keys. “You really need to shave.” With that you’re out the door.

-

The drive to work is about as nice as you’d expected. Most of the trip was regular early morning commute and traffic, but about half way the scenery changes. You go up through the mountains for twenty minutes before you catch sight of the Institution.

It’s a huge intimidating building. But it doesn’t scare you nearly as bad as it had during the time of your first interview. Still, even as your observe the heavily secure building, you find yourself doubting if you can really ever get used to working in such a gloomy place. You catch the humor in it. No, you’re not afraid (at least not outside the healthy realm) of your new job, that’s easy to adjust to, no the thing you’re having trouble coping with is the gloomyness of the facility.

It’s laughable. You muse to yourself about all of this as you park in the visitors entrance, and walk your way to the first set of doors accompanied by a matching set of metal detectors.  Although it’s unlikely any of the patients actually have visitors coming to see them, it’s nice of the hospital to even allow visitation.

“There you are,” Speaks a little old woman, shrunken with age, her hair in a high bun, and what you can only manage to describe as a friendly scowl taking her face. “You’ve last the first test.” The guard to her right hands you back your car keys, but not before telling you to place them in your locker.

“Don’t worry, I’ll show the boy the ropes.”

“So you’re Mrs.Macaty I’m assuming?” On your face is your best professional smile as you extend your hand out to her, but it seems she has no desire to shake your hand in turn. In fact she stairs at it for several silent awkward moments until you allow your hand to fall back to your side. The awkward silence makes you uncomfortable but thankfully after only another moment of her scruntinizing stare she clears he throat and finally leads you away from the main visitors entrance.

“This here’s the locker room. You can dress here in the morning if you don’t wanna wear your scrubs to work. There’s also lockers. You’ll be gettin’ one of your own today, all personal items, and sharp things like your keys go in there.”

It’s a decently sized space, the lockers lining the walls in a way that reminds you more of a high school locker room than anything else. With what little you can make out of coats and uncomfortable looking shoes left behind, you would guess the majority of your new coworkers would appear to be women. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, in fact it’s quite common in the nursing field, you had just hoped given the circumstance there may be some more male nurses than you are used to. It’s always a bit isolated to be one of the very few male nurses in a hospital.

“Now, before we get started, do you have any questions?”

“Oh- Um,  no ma’am.”

“Good, come on then.”

Mrs.Macaty shows you the ropes. You watch as she gathers medication for the patience on her part of the ward, and follow behind her as she gives them to the patients.

“Use a tongue depressor to make sure they took them, and be carefully, some of the nasty fuckers spit.”

The way she treats patients makes you upset, but you do your best to cope with it, all smiles and nodding, just wanting to get through the day. You try to give her the benefit of the doubt. You try to imagine how taxing it must be for he to have done this everyday for so many years.

She leads you to a door and then stops. “This man, this man will be the bane of your very existence as you work here.”

“Isn’t that a bit of an…”

A bit of an exaggeration is what you were going to ask her, but you trailed off as you see the patient name displayed on the door.

Billy Lenz.

The first patient whose name you actually recognize. You knew about the case, at least a little bit, about the sorority girls he’d murdered a year before he was caught, about the phone calls he made to his victims, how he was eventually caught because of the calls.

You remembered that case. You remembered it because you were in college yourself at the time, far away from the sorority, but at the time it had reminded you of an incident from when you were in high school. At the time you had felt such sympathy for his victims, and a deep fear that you could have easily been a victim as well. It was an overreaction by far. The calls you’d gotten in your senior year of high school on the family phone were nothing like the nasty calls those poor girls had gotten, it was just repeated calls of nothing but deep uncomfortable breathing.

Mrs.Macatay knocks on the door first, opening the sliding compartment to speak.

“Are you decent Billy?”

There’s no response,

“He hardly talks,” She tells you beginning to unlock the door. “Well he talks, but he never says anything worth listening to.”

You nod, mouth feeling like it’s filled with cotton, still caught up in your fears of a possible high school stalker. When the door is open, when you see Billy, a pathetic looking man, thin, and glaring at both you and Mrs.Macatay from beneath the locks of matted hair that covered his face.

Pity. You feel pity for the man. It’s obvious from his appearance alone that he’s not been getting the basic care he deserves, the basic care the facility is supposed to guarantee it’s patients.

When Mrs.Macatay approaches, paper cup full of pills in hand, Billy reacts violently. He hisses at her, dropping from his bed, and backing up against the wall.

It’s obvious to see he doesn’t like her. He’s trembling, and it’s that feeling again, that pity that entices you to act.

“Mrs.Macatay, would you mind if I gave Billy his medicine?”

Both parties stop, their attention on you.

“I watched you give the other patients their meds, and this will be my job from here on out, right?”

She eyes Billy warily, but nods backing up as she makes her way toward you. That’s another thing about this job, to never turn your back to the patients, lest you open yourself up for a possible attack.

“Billy,” Mrs.Macatay speaks the way your teachers regarded problem students, aggressive and authoritative. “This is ____, he’s going to be your new nurse.”  

“Hi Billy, it’s nice to meet you.”

He’s curious as you approach, his head is tilted, and although he stays scurried towards the back of the room and continues to tremble he doesn’t hiss at you, or lash out.

“Can you take your meds for me Billy?” You offer the paper cup to him, shocked by how quickly he snatches it from you. Despite his speed it gave you time to see his hands, nails bitten into bloody quicks, scratches on his arms and wrist. He wasn’t being taken care of at all.

Anger rises quickly in your throat, and you force it down. It would be different, with you in charge, you’d make sure the patients were all taken care of properly. That they got the help and care they desperately needed.

Billy takes the pills dry, or at least seems to. You’re relieved he’s behaving, after the way Mrs.Macatay had acted.

“Can I check your mouth Billy, to make sure you’ve taken them all?”

He hesitates, but nods moving closer to you. You barely catch it, the tail end of a murmured whisper hushed out by the scuffling of his clothes.

“ -pretty little mouth- “

Billy opens his mouth and even lifts his tongue for you. There’s no need to use the tongue depressor much to your relief.  Any reason to not get close to a patient’s mouth is acceptable in your book. The last thing you needed on your first day of work is to come home with stitches and a bite mark. You’re sure Sergei would just be thrilled with you, and your new job if that happened.

“Thank you Billy.”

You back up slowly, making your way to join Mrs.Macatay by the door. “We’ll be back later today okay?”

“Was...Was Billy a good boy?”

He catches you off guard with the question. You almost stop in your tracks. He seems lucid enough, at least right now, and the meds will help keep him that way. It just surprises you to hear him speak in third person like that.

There’s a click of disapproval, or maybe disgust, from Mrs.Macatay behind you, and you fight the urge to frown at her behavior.

But you don’t. You don’t frown, you don’t stop moving. You show no reaction to the sudden questioning or to Mrs.Macatay’s unprofessoinal behavior. Your caretakers smile remains on your face as you respond.

“Yes Billy, you were a very good boy today. Thank you for being good for me and taking your medications.”

The door to Billy’s room closes, and you let out a long held breath. Professionalism drops, along with your forced caring smile. That was stressful.

Mrs.Macatay and yourself are only just beginning to walk a way, pushing the medicine cart along with you, when you hear Billy again.

“ Bye, bye, pretty nursie… ”

And looking back you see him. Billy is looking at you through the metal sliding compartment Mrs.Macatay had left open, one green eye visible to stare at your retreating forms.

[thephantomofthe-internet]

Homeward Bound: Chapter 6

Steve Harrington x Henderson!Reader, Billy Hargrove x Henderson!Reader

Chapter 1 |  Chapter 2 |  Chapter 3 |  Chapter 4 |  Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13

Chapter Summary: Could Steve Harrington be a...decent friend?

Word Count: 5,926

Warnings: Swearing, Blood mention, mental illness mention, surgery mention

Permanent Tag: @hotstuffhargrove @hargrovesgoldilocks @denimjacketkisses @hipsmcgee @lilmissperfectlyimperfect @casaharrington

Series Tag: @kurt-nightcrawler @alonewolfblog @baebee35 @supernatural-pants @bucky4cap45 @thoughstofaredhead @wearemightyghosts

The knife and the potato fell to the floor as Steve grabbed his open palm, hissing in pain. You jumped into action before you realized you were moving. You pushed his hand away, pressing a clean rag into the wound and rushing off to find the first aid kit. You were back quicker than you thought you could move.

You set the kit on the counter, pulling out an alcohol swap and moved the cloth, wiping the wound. Steve hissed and you chuckled “Will you ever get used to that feeling?” you muttered softly.

“Guess not…” he replied, his voice almost breathy. He watched you move, taking in how focused you were, your forehead creased with worry. He wanted to press a kiss on the lines, to promise that everything was alright. But he couldn’t, he lost that right years ago.

You looked at the wound, now clean and hardly bleeding. It wasn’t deep; it could easily be cared for with a bit of gauze and medical tape. You covered it quickly, cutting off the strip of gauze and folding it into a neat square. You pressed it to his palm and quickly tore off some tape, sealing each side. Without thinking, you pressed a kiss to the gauze, an old habit from taking care of his wounds when otherworldly monsters terrorized your lives. You heard him take in a breath and you let go of his hand quickly, ignoring your heavy blush as you packed up the kit.

“Well, as per my mother’s rule you aren’t allowed in the kitchen anymore, go hang out with Dustin, we’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” You said quickly, storing the kit on top of the fridge.

Steve nodded “Alright…” he said awkwardly, shuffling out of the kitchen. He looked dejected and you almost felt bad for bringing up old memories, but then again, he did that to you all the time.

You couldn’t stop the memory from hitting you.

It wasn’t the first time either of you had gotten hurt, but this time it was bad. Usually, you could handle patching up Steve and Dustin after a night of monster hunting, but this time Steve could barely move on his own and Joyce was sitting over him with a medical needle and thread, examining the large hole in his leg, freshly cleaned.

They got him. Those stupid, terrifying demo-dogs had gotten him. One latched onto his leg and took a piece of him. And it was your fault. If you hadn’t gotten in the way and held him back, he wouldn’t be hurt. This was your fault. You’d never felt more guilty in your life.

You sat behind him, his head in your crossed legs, supporting his neck with your calves and socked feet. He looked nauseous with pain, his eyes clamped shut and his forehead sweating. You wiped his forehead with a cool cloth, soothing him softly.

“I can’t promise they’ll be straight stitches, but I’ll do my best…” Joyce warned, threading the needle and carefully making the first stitch. They had no anaesthetic and no pain killer beyond Advil, so he felt every pull at his skin. Steve gritted his teeth, trying not to groan or seem weaker than he was.

You quickly took his hand, squeezing it in yours. He squeezed it back, harder than he probably meant to, but you didn’t complain. You felt this bit of pain was well earned for the amount of pain you caused him.

When he winced heavily when the needle reached the centre of his calf, you brought his palm to your lips, kissing it quickly. Oddly, this hushed him immediately. You assumed it gave him something to focus on. As the stitches got worse, you kissed his forehead, cheek, nose, and scrunched eyelids until the job was done and Steve was allowed to move. He let go of your hand, examining your knuckles with a worried look.

“I bruised them, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…” he muttered, pressing a gentle kiss to the skin.

You shook your head “It’s nothing, I did worse to you anyway…” you replied pitifully.

Steve shook his head “No, you didn’t. Don’t blame yourself. It’s no one’s fault that I got hurt, it’s just something that happened.” He said. You nodded softly, believing him as he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips.

He was so easy to believe then. You shook the memory out of your head, focusing back on the potatoes. You worked quickly, wanted to finish off the work so you could make yourself look a bit better so you could rush out quickly and meet up with Billy.

Meeting up with Billy was the right choice. He’d grown, that was obvious to you just by looking at him. And besides, your memories with Billy weren’t major. Most of your time with him was spent in bed, sweaty and grinning in euphoria, not risking your lives together; the thrill was safer and easier. When you looked at Billy, you weren’t filled with immense pain and memories with him. And that was a good thing. It was a good thing to not be filled with emotion when you looked at someone. It was nice to simply want to be around someone because you found them to be worth your time. Not to be around someone whose very presence was marked by trauma and pain.

“Y/N…” someone asked behind you. You hadn’t realized that you’d just been standing there, blank faced and staring into space, imagining yourself finishing off the work. You hummed, dazed and unaware of who was behind you. Strong hands came to your shoulders, squeezing them once, trying to earn your attention. “Are you alright?” the voice asked again.

You turned slightly, still entranced in thoughts, your mind a million miles away.  “Hm? Yes, I’m fine, Dusty…” you said, your voice a million miles away, your smile vague and empty. Dustin frowned, shaking his head. He took the peeler from your hand and handed you instead a clean cloth.

“No, you’re not. Go upstairs, I have this.” He said, pushing you out of the kitchen. You didn’t protest, your whole body felt weak and empty. You needed to sleep for awhile.

You hadn’t had an attack like that in awhile. You blamed the blood, you didn’t handle it well. You have to be sure to mention it to your therapist when you got home; she liked to know when you had more serious or frequent attacks. She’d probably just suggest trying new medication or upping your dosage. Either way, you made a note to tell her.

The law suit settlement didn’t just cover the damages Hawkins Labs created, they promised free mental and physical healthcare for whoever could prove they earned it. Your lawyers worked hard to prove that your mental health had been wracked by this. They fought even harder to prove that you shouldn’t be put into a facility. While the kids were promised they’d forget in time and given therapists and Jane was suggestive for long term schooling for children with developmental issues, you were suggested for mental asylum. According to the other team, you were the most messed up of the group, because of your passionate soul. Luckily for you, an actual psychiatrist found that you weren’t actually sicker than anyone else and that passion did not dictate susceptibility to mental illness.

You were sick. That was a hard pill to swallow. You were sick. Not in the way others in Hawkins Labs were sick; radiation poisoning was common as well as physical and mental deformities in the children birthed in the labs. Lots of people had PTSD; that was more common. You yourself took two different pills for the anxiety the years had left you and then one for your insomnia. They worked well enough most days.

Today, it just didn’t do its job. Today, you broke. And you hated breaking. You sat down on your bed, hands gripping tightly onto your ancient pink bed sheets and letting out shallow, shaky breaths. You tried to find your footing again, closing your eyes and focusing on the breaths. This was supposed to work, to help you calm down again, but it wasn’t a perfect science and today it just wasn’t working. This was frustrating. You just wanted to move on, but as hot tears slipped down your cheeks and sobs wracked your chest. The room spun out of your control; you were dizzy and sit to your stomach, motion sick in a still room. You let your head slump down between your knees, forcing gasps of air in your closed lungs, and focusing on a spot on the floor, trying to stop the spinning.

This was not what you wanted-you wanted to try to enjoy your time at home. This was a difficult task, but you knew that going in. You just wanted to find something to like here, to make it tolerable for you so you could visit your mother a bit more, since she seemed so hell bent on staying. But right now it was hard. Insanely hard. The memories were closing in on you, they were about to crush you, and you couldn’t escape.

You went through the skills your therapist had instilled into you, muttering softly to yourself “Five things to see…one desk…one TV…one bottle of nail polish…one stack of textbooks…one music box.”

“Four things to smell…dinner downstairs…old perfume…nail polish…peach candles.”

“Three things to feel…bed sheets…paper…my heartbeat.” Your therapist always told you to name you heartbeat, a reminder that you were still alive.

“Two things to hear…the TV…Dusty downstairs.”

“One thing to taste…blood.” You ripped a piece of skin out of the inside of your mouth with your teeth, a bad habit.

“Y/N!” Dustin called from downstairs, startling you, raising your slowing heartbeat. You sat up, straightening your clothes, wiping the tears from your face and sniffling heavily.

“Y-yeah?” you called, silently damning the crack in your voice.

“Dinner, come on before mom kills you!” he called back. You nodded, more to yourself than to anyone else, and stood on shaky legs.

“J-just a second!” you called. You were nowhere near ready to go downstairs, but hell hath no fury like a Claudia Henderson scorned and skipping a meal was the worst way to spurn her. You looked once in the mirror attached to your door, noting that your eyes were puffy, but not intensely red, a definite plus. You looked paler, a minus, but your clothes weren’t wrinkled and your hair wasn’t awful, so you puffed out your chest and walked downstairs, finding an easy smile.

“Y/N!” your mother sighed “There you are, help me bring everything out.” You nodded stepping back into the kitchen and grabbing the bowl of loose corn. Your mother grabbed your elbow, pinching it tightly as she smiled out at the boys, already sitting.

“Why didn’t you sit with Steve?” she asked through gritted teeth.

You felt your smile falter “What?” you asked.

“You left, Dusty took over, and you left Steve alone for an hour. That was very rude.” She clarified tightly.

“I wasn’t feeling well, I’m sure he was fine on his own.” You said roughly, yanking away from her and heading into the dining room, placing the dish on the table and took the seat next to Dustin, much to your mother’s dismay.

Your mother practically threw the baked chicken on the table, her disappointment obvious. Even more obvious was what this dinner was; she was trying to display your wifely abilities to who she was certain was your future husband. You’d failed miserably in her eyes-you showed that you couldn’t cook, that you weren’t a good hostess, and that you weren’t interested in him. You could see resentment and disappointment practically dripping down her forehead and, for a brief moment, you felt bad.

“Steve, how’s your hand? Any better now?” you asked tentatively. Your mother perked up instantly, a small smile slipping onto her lips and into her eyes. Steve looked shocked for a second that you even deigned to start a conversation with him. He nearly dropped the chicken leg he was transferring to his plate.

“It’s…it’s fine! Stopped bleeding, thank you-for helping me, I mean.” He stuttered, taking a long sip of red wine when he finished, obviously embarrassed and awkward.

“Good. It was no trouble, really.” You replied, turning to smile at your mother, the look in your eyes screaming ‘happy?’, to which your mother nodded and you settled in to not speak again for the rest of the meal.

“Are you alright? Dustin mentioned that you weren’t feeling well.” Steve asked, startling you in turn.

You looked back to him, nodding “Yeah, I’m alright, blood just kinda freaks me out, but nothing to worry about.” You replied easily, not bothering to look up.

“I know the feeling, a lot of shit freaks me out now too…” he said. You didn’t dare breech the subject but it was almost comforting to know that the old protector of your youth was just as messed up as you were.

You simply nodded in response, moving corn kernels around your plate as your mother settled in to start her matchmaking. You watched as her posture changed, sitting straighter and taller with a sickly sweet smile on her face, her eyes darting between you and Steve as Dustin cowered away from the whole scene.

“So, Y/N…what’re you doing in Los Angeles nowadays?” she asked, a leading question she already knew the answer to.

You gritted your teeth, forcing a smile “Okay, again I don’t live in Los Angeles, I live in San Diego.” You said, turning to Steve just as she wanted you to “I work for a publishing house, I’m a junior editor.”

Steve hummed in response, his mouth full. One thing had changed, he now had table manners. Instead of speaking with his mouth full, covering his mouth slightly, he now waited until he’d finished chewing and swallowed before speaking. “I’ve heard San Diego is gorgeous.” He said, wasting all his build up on a useless comment.

“The beaches are lovely. If you ever bother to leave Hawkins, you should go and enjoy them.” You said, the distaste for his lifestyle evident in your voice. His confidence demurred and he back down from retorting.

“Now, Y/N, just because you just had to get out of Hawkins, doesn’t mean that everyone hates it here. You might find it better now that you’ve had some time away.” You mother reasoned.

“I just can’t fathom staying in a town so filled with terrible memories.” You said honestly.

“Well, maybe Steve holds the answer. Steve?” you mother countered, turning to look at him. He swallowed, nerves settling into his whole body.

“Well…Hawkins isn’t a bad place, but I would be lying if I said the station here was my first choice. I tried to get into one of the Chicago, but they’re all full. I was lucky to get in here through Hopper.” He admitted. Your mother huffed, but you found yourself smiling. He was on your side, for once, and for a brief moment you felt allied with him, something that hadn’t happened in years.

“Well maybe you should look in California, Steve, maybe even San Diego, you seemed so interested in the city.” Your mother said diplomatically.

You scoffed “Mother! Give it a rest, will ya? You’re pestering the poor guy.” You said.

“I’m just trying to make conversation! Just because you’re antisocial…” she replied with an eye roll.

“I am not antisocial! Just because I don’t want you playing matchmaker with my life-” you snapped, dropping your fork.

“Y/N, calm down…” Dustin’s hand came to yours, catching your attention. You huffed out a breath, choosing to focus on the kitchy cat shaped clock in the kitchen, watching its eyes flick and forth with a crazy smile.

“Mom, give it a rest and stop bugging Y/N, you’re making everyone uncomfortable.” He added, earning a scoff from her.

“I was not bugging, I was just making conversation.” She said, almost childlike in her demeanour.

“It doesn’t matter. Leave it alone.” He snapped. You’d known for awhile that Dustin was the male head of the household; he’d taken over for your father since you first moved to Hawkins and now it was more obvious than ever. He was the rational voice in the house, despite being the youngest person there. It was almost comical seeing your mother get shut down by her baby boy.

Steve looked incredibly awkward. He most stared down at his plate, taking small bites and trying to avoid eye contact. He looked shrivelled and small, hollow and embarrassed by both you and your mother. You tried not to pay him any mind, but his eyes kept darting to you with this pitiful look, darting away when you looked at him.

Instead of focusing on him, you focused on Dustin.

“So, okay, are the graduation robes as ugly as they were when I graduated?” you asked with a grin, earning matching ones from both Steve and Dustin.

“Oh, I don’t think they’ve gotten new ones since you graduated. Mine has actual holes in it; mom’s been trying to patch them for weeks now!” Dustin laughed, the shared image of moth eaten burgundy fabric and shoddy caps, the tassel decorated with a gold plastic ‘1990’ charm gleaming in their collective eyes, the only thing he’d be allowed to keep.

“Jeez, maybe don’t patch ‘em, they’ll probably provide some air flow.” Steve joked, earning a cackle from you.

“Oh my God yes! Those things are so heavy! You’re gonna sweat off like ten pounds!” you cried, laughing loudly.

“Oh God is it that bad? I swore you two didn’t look that bad after the whole thing!” Dustin moaned, his curl laden head dropping into his hands.

“Well I mean dude what can I say? Your sister and I are total hotties. Just listen to us and you’ll come through looking alright.” Steve said, reaching across the table to grip his shoulder.

You scoffed, ignoring the ‘hottie’ comment. “I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt we both looked awful. If I remember corrected, your hair deflated within the first fifteen minutes and you whined for the rest of the ceremony about it. You designed your hair around the stupid hat!” you recalled, laughing at the memory. Steve pouted, sticking his tongue out at you, only earning a bigger laugh from you.

“Ugh should I even go? Marcy’s skipping, going to the quarry with a few people. Maybe I should just bail on the whole thing…” Dustin sighed.

“No!” both you and your mother cried in unison, looking at each other for the first time in awhile.

“Dusty, I came all the way out here for this. While I agree that graduation is lame, you have to go through it for my sake. Besides, mom needs a complete set of awkward graduation photos for the wall. It’s only fair.” You reasoned diplomatically.

“Yeah dude, besides, Marcy and her friends are gonna get busted for smoking pot out there, again. Don’t get caught up in their bullshit.” Steve added cheekily.

“Not by you, you’re gonna be sweating in the stands with everyone else. And nobody’s afraid of Powell or Callahan.” Dustin scoffed. “Besides, you’re not gonna tell anyone about that or else I’ll tell everyone what you said last weekend, starting with Y/N.”

“Ooh blackmail I like it, really sticking it to the man.” You said, leaning over to feign a whisper “What he say?”

“You wouldn’t dare little man; I got too much dirt on you.” Steve replied easily, although the twitchy look in his eye said otherwise on his ease with the whole conversation.

“Try me.” Dustin shot back. They stared at each other for a moment, pulling their most serious faces before Steve broke, giggling like a toddler.

“We’re good man, I’m not gonna ruin their fun or anything.” Steve said, earning a laugh from Dustin, shaking his mop of curls.

“Speaking of fun, we should take Y/N out tonight, since you ruined the fun earlier.” Dustin said.

Your smile dropped “Oh guys I can’t tonight…I have plans…” you said awkwardly.

“Y/N you just got back how on earth can you have plans?” your mother asked haughtily.

“I found a friend at the mall; we’re meeting up after this. I promise, I won’t be out all night!” you replied easily.

“And just how are you planning on getting around tonight?” your mother asked.

“Well I was planning on borrowing the car, but since you seem to be in a mood, I’ll just walk.” You said easily.

“No way! It’s gonna get dark, not safe.” Steve added, nodding along with your mother.

“Exactly! Why don’t you just go out with Steve and Dusty tonight? Much safer.” Your mother said diplomatically.

“Because I already have plans. It would be rude to cancel now. And besides, I want to see my friend! Is that so bad?” you said.

“Well, then I suggest you ask Steve for a ride.” Your mother said.

“Why, so I can get stranded out there? I’m a twenty-two year old woman I can walk to a friend’s house in a tiny, ridiculously safe town. I mean come on!” you cried.

“Y/N, it’s alright, I’ll drive you, just calm down.” Steve tried, his hand coming out to take yours, an odd way to calm you down.

You wretched your hand away, shaking your head “That’s not the point! I don’t need this, I’m an adult!” you cried.

“Well then maybe you should act like one.” Your mother snapped. You sighed, looking to the ceiling in the hopes that you’d find some sort of calm in it. When you didn’t, you pushed away from the table.

“Excuse me, I have some calls to make.” You said. Your mother tried to argue, but you were already gone, back into your room and away from the scene.

You felt like a child. You were an adult- you lived on your own, you paid your own bills, you had your own tiny apartment for fuck’s sake! And yet you couldn’t convince your mother that you were old enough to leave the house on your own. It was all in her grand plan to get you and Steve back together. You refused to fall into that trap; you’d rather die alone than end up with the person your mother picked for you.

With enough frustration to hulk out and destroy the house, you picked up your old landline and dialled the number, now faded, that Billy had given you.

The phone rang thrice before anyone picked up. You prayed that it was actually his number and not a fake one. Luckily for you, he picked up. “Hello?” he asked, his voice strained and groggy.

“Hey Bill, it’s me, listen, shit’s a little weird here, you wanna just go out tonight instead? My treat?” you said.

“No way, I cleaned for this.” Billy replied, earning a giggle from you.

“Ugh please? Pretty please? Cause by the looks of it, I’m not getting to your place without a police escort.” You explained.

“Sexy, I’ll see you in a few.” Billy replied, hanging up before you could fully respond.

You groaned, dropping the receiver on the hook. A knock on the door startled you and you spun around to find Steve leaning on your door with a concerned expression.

“Jesus Christ you scared me!” you gasped, rolling your eyes.

“Sorry…” he replied, stepping into your room without asking. “Listen, you’re not getting out of here without me driving you, it’s just your mom.”

“Don’t I know it.” You sighed, rubbing the bridge of your nose. “Ugh why did I bother coming in?”

“Dustin.” You and Steve said in unison, looking up at one another.

Steve chuckled, shaking his head “Come on Henderson, let’s get you to Hargrove’s place.” He said.

You grabbed your purse quickly, only stopping to look at him once, a puzzled look on your face. “How’d you know?” you asked.

“I saw you two at the mall, put two and two together.” He replied with a shrug.

“I thought you were on duty.” You asked, eyebrows raised into your hairline.

“Someone called in a pigeon in the food court.” He replied. You watched him for a second in utter disbelieve. Steve sighed, looking away “And I couldn’t handle anymore Dustin time.” He admitted.

“And here I thought you two were best friends for life.” You chuckled, backing out of your room, watching him with eyes that danced with mirth and ease. It was the type of look that made Steve wish he could grab you and kiss you. You just looked so young and happy, just like you did in high school when everything went to shit and you could still laugh. Before everything broke you. Before everything broke them.

“Look I love the kid,” he said, following behind you “But I can’t spend all day listening to him talk about you-that’s all he’s been talking about all week.”

“Well what can I say? He’s my biggest fan, first of what will soon to be many!” you replied, flipping your hair off your shoulder and jumping down the final two steps.

“Alright mom, I’m heading out. I’ll be back later, don’t wait up.” You called, waving to her and Dustin in the living room.

“I said you aren’t going without-” she started, but Steve popped his head in, smiling politely.

“I’ll be back in a few, you want me to pick up a movie Dustin?” Steve asked, shutting your mother up instantly.

“Yeah, check if Heathers is in, Max said it was epic.” Dustin said, nodding at you from his seat on the couch, a copy of Moby Dick open in his lap, his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose.

“You got it, see ya!” he called, following you out into the hall. You pulled on your shoes, paying him no mind as he watched you. He seemed to be always watching you. It should’ve been unsettling, but it wasn’t. Instead, it felt normal. Steve had always been like this with you, watching you from afar. You had made all the moves in the past, and now you seemed to be in the same position.

Billy was still waiting outside. That was his perpetual place while you were on break at work. He’d stand outside Scoops Ahoy!, waiting for you to finish up so he could go back to groping you and pestering you as you tried to direct mouldy old ladies to Stella’s Dress Barn or Antique Lace. Scoops was your safe haven because of this-since he wouldn’t demean himself by licking an ice cream cone in public, you got your whole break to yourself.

So while he bitterly smoked, you hung out with Steve and Robin, his epic co-worker and almost girlfriend. You couldn’t pretend that it didn’t sting a little when they would flirt openly around you. You had no right to be jealous, you had a boyfriend and supposedly everything a teen girl could want. Unfortunately, you knew in your heart that you didn’t really have anything.

“You want another scoop, Y/N?” Steve asked, drawing you out of your daze.

“Hm? Oh I shouldn’t, I spend too much here anyway…” you replied, pushing away the cup, stained with chocolate.

“It’s on the house.” He said with a chuckle, leaning down with a sugar cone to grab a clean and warm metal scoop.

“You sure? I don’t want you getting in trouble with your boss.” You said.

“If I ever give a shit about this place, I’ll let you know. Now, what kind do you want?” he asked with a chuckle, earning a small, sweet smile from you. The kind of smile he always felt he was working for.

“Eh, whatever will be the least noticeable.” You said with a shrug, leaning over the glass to watch him choose. The vanilla carton was almost empty, so he had to work twice as hard to get the snow white cream out of its edges. You watched almost mystified as his arms bulged and flexed as he worked. You melted faster than the ice cream around you. It wasn’t because he was strong per say, Billy was strong if not stronger than him, but you liked that you knew that he hadn’t used his fists against nearly as many people for ill will. That sheer fact  was much sexier than Billy could ever be. You could nearly drool over him, but when he looked up, you tried to be a little less obvious. Of course, to Steve, you were insanely obvious and it made him blush.

“Here ya go. Eat it quick, or it’ll melt down your hand.” He warned.

You simply smirked “Oh don’t worry, I’m very good with my mouth.” You said.

Robin gasped, laughing “Y/N! Billy is right outside!” she cried.

“I’m just teasing!” you replied, turning to wave to Billy. He nodded back, an annoyed look making lines around his mouth. You motioned for him to come inside, knowing it was in vain. As usual, he shook his head and turned away, preferring solitude and cigarettes.

Robin and Steve quickly got caught up in one of their little spats, half flirting, half arguing. Suddenly, you weren’t Steve’s focus, which made you feel very small and embarrassed. Watching them was like watching an old married couple-the two seemed absolutely perfect for each other, everyone else agreed. It was only a matter of time, soon enough they’d finally get together and your longing for Steve would really be wrong. The whole thing hurt far more than it should have.

When Steve’s eyes caught yours, without thinking, you caught yourself watching him as he watched you slowly lick the cone, holding his gaze as you gave him your best ‘fuck me’ eyes. You broke his gaze as you slowly licked sticky residue off your lips, smirking softly. Steve coughed loudly, feeling his whole body go tense as he blood flow changed direction.

“Well, I gotta head out, I’ll see you guys later. We still on for this weekend, Rob?” you said, standing up from your stool and tossing your purse over your shoulder.

“Totally! Blondie is gonna be bitchin’ live!” she replied, her tone giggly, wiping her hands on her apron as a new customer came in, small child in tow.

“Great! See ya!” you called, heading out of the shop and back to Billy, taking his arm gently.

“What was that about?” he grumbled, heading off back to your desk at the front of the mall.

“No clue, want some?” you asked, offering him the dripping cone.

“Nah, I hate plain vanilla.” He replied gruffly.

“So do I, but it was free so who cares?” you said, tossing the half eaten cone in the trash. The rest of your shift was spent with Billy pestering you about your feelings towards Steve or pestering you to pay attention to him.

Meanwhile, the image of you and that cone wouldn’t leave Steve’s mind. You wouldn’t leave Steve’s mind; a dangerous problem.

You opened the door, ushering him out before any more memories could take hold. You notes that he still drove the cruiser even after work. You had assumed that he had a second car, another sign of his family’s wealth, but maybe you were wrong. Either way, you climbed in and buckled up, remembering how bad his driving was.

The ride was slower and weirder than the one yesterday. His hands gripped the wheel tighter, his eyes watching the road carefully, his headlights blasting white cones of light onto the road ahead. You gave him the address though he already seemed to know where to go.

“I’ve been called a few times to that complex, noise complaints against Hargrove, guy needs to learn to tone it down.” He commented with a chuckle, flashing you a proud, boastful smile that screamed ‘I’m better than him’.

You didn’t reply, in part because you couldn’t decide whether to laugh awkwardly or defend him, but in bigger part because your mouth had dried up. You were nervous, you had no idea why, but you were. It had been years since you’d seen him, things had inevitably changed between you and you didn’t want to know if those things were going to be a problem.

Billy was a confusing creature, as far as you could remember, he was three parts smug arrogance and one part genuine heart and softness. You didn’t exactly know how to handle this odd mix, even as a teenager. And now, with the mix being unknown was odd and not exactly reassuring to your poor, haggard nerves.

“Hey, you alright there, Henderson?” Steve asked, turning to look at you for a moment, eyes darting to mark his turn.

“Yeah,” you said, letting out a shaky breath “No, no I guess not. I’m nervous that’s all. God, that sounds so high school.” You bemoaned yourself, your head hitting the headrest behind you.

“It’s cool, it happens.” Steve said, reaching over to squeeze your shoulder. His hand hovered just a second too long, though you tried to ignore it. It was easier to ignore than you thought, hell it even felt normal.

“No it’s not I sound like such a little baby.” You groaned, letting out a heavy sigh before straightening your back and rolling your neck. “Alright, I’m good, I’m good.” You said, nodding more to yourself than to him.

“Hey,” Steve said, turning off the engine. You hadn’t realized that you’d parked or that you were already at the giant complex. “You don’t sound like a baby, you sound like a person.” He told you.

“Well being a person sucks, I’d prefer to be a robot who can handle her life without issues or stupid fears.” You said.

“I get it, I do, but you have to give yourself some slack here, Henderson.” He took your hand in his, squeezing it tightly “We went through a lot before we could even vote, you’re allowed to be a little broken. I think we’re all a little broken.”

You nodded “Right...” you sighed, smiling softly up at him “Thanks, Steve.” You gathered your things, pulling open the door. The air was warm and humid and while you wished it was cool and crisp, you pushed into the warm walls of air forcing you back towards the car, where Steve watched you as he was certain he did when Dustin went on his first date, hell he probably gave him the same pep talk he gave you. Unlike Dustin, who you were sure turned back to say thanks, you pushed into the foyer, pushing the buzzer labelled 514.

“What up what’d you want?” the voice on the intercom said, clearly Billy and very clearly annoyed.

You pushed the speaker button “Well I mean if you’re going to be an asshole I can go, Officer Harrington’s still waiting outside.” You said, matching his tone.

You heard the door buzz and unlock, as Billy’s voice returned on the intercom “You know as well as I do that I don’t want you to go.” He said softly. You nodded, opening the door. You found your way up the elevator to the third floor and up you went to find some sort of destiny. You still didn’t know if it was yours or someone else’s.

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 13x05

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Content Warning: mentions of suicide

What an episode. There was a lot in it, a lot. Even though the case was rather simply, it was so full of layers over layers you might call it puff pastry. And as much as last week’s episode was about Sam and Jack, this week was all about Dean, from every angle. And as painful as it was to watch all of Dean’s despair the episode gave us one of the most beautiful, hopeful endings. Steve Yockey continues to be one of the currently best writers (I’m still amazed with all the talent to new writers brought to the show). So, let’s take a closer look.

The Cure

It was an unusual long teaser this week, but it did the job right, because even though I knew what was coming (or maybe because of it) I sat anxious in front of my screen. The actual ghost story was rather simple and something we saw quite similar back in 1x10. What is interesting about it is how both the victims and the ghost of the doctor inform Sam and Dean’s story. We start the story with two boys, thinking of them as a unit, only to learn later about a third friend, and that the three of them were inseparable. They split up and in the end two of them died. Parallel to that we start the episode with two Winchesters and end it with three. The last time the three of them weren’t on the same page one of them ended up dead.

Dean is mirrored with Shawn. After the traumatic event of seeing his best friend die Shawn became mute, the same way Dean was mute after his mother died (and Lucas in 1x03 who was back then a Dean mirror as well). Shawn tells Dean in the veil that he misses his mom and he wants to go home. Dean of course longs for a home as well and misses his mother. Dean lost his mother and Shawn’s mother loses her son – two parents and children separated by death.

The most interesting parallel though is the fact that Dr. Meadows tried to cure his patients by performing a lobotomy. He did it to treat mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. Not only did it result in the death of many patients, but it is also the wrong treatment by modern medicine standard. And even though Sam of course doesn’t try to lobotomize his brother, his cure/treatment for Dean is wrong as well. This episode is a great example of how Sam sees/reads his brother, or rather the performance Dean puts on, and the layer underneath. Sam is aware that Dean is not ok, that the fact that he no longer believes in anything is a warning sign, and his intentions might be good (reading reviews for a strip-club, my heart), but the ways he tries to cheer up are as effective as trying to fix a missing limb with a band aid. He only sees the tip of the iceberg, but the fact that Dean so casually killed himself might have given him an idea how bad it really is for Dean.

The Wounded Hunter

Oh Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. Partly responsible for Sam’s blindness when it comes to his big brother is of course Dean’s willingness to participate in the performance. He tells Sam that he will be ok, that he will get through, with “bullets, bacon, booze” (interestingly no women), and we can’t blame Sam that he wants to believe that. Especially as Dean actually goes to the strip-club, though it appears only to get drunk. But we see how deep Dean is buried in his grief the moment they start to work the case at the abandoned hospital. He seems almost apathetic when the doctor attacks him, as if he is willing to risk it (dying). The most heartbreaking moment is though he calm he was when he talked about killing himself in front of Sam. It is the third time Dean killed himself in order to get to the veil. In 6x11 he did it because it was the only way to talk to Death and get Sam’s soul back. In 11x17 we see how messed up he really is, demonstrating the whole ugly truth about his co-dependent relationship to Sam. But here? It is just a means to an end, another hunter-tool. Dean is fully aware of the risk and even then it seems like part of him wants to die. Of course there is difference between actively wanting to die (because Dean’s goal is to talk to the ghosts) and choosing death, which he later does in his conversation with Billie.

We already talked about the absence of deals in this season (even though Dean asked Chuck for help), which in general is a good thing and progress. We see this theme continued here, with Dean offering a deal, but he neither asks for his own life or for Billie to bring back Cas and/or Mary, but only the ghosts of the victims to be freed (though technically Dean knows that Billie doesn’t have the power to bring back Cas). On the surface it looks like an altruistic act, but Billie sees right through Dean’s act.

Billie: […] You have changed, and you tell people it's not a big deal. You tell people you'll work through it, but you know you won't, you can't, and that scares the hell out of you or am I wrong?

Dean: What do you want me to say? It doesn't matter, I don't matter.

Billie: Don't you?

Dean: I couldn't save Mom. I couldn't save Cas. I can't even save a scared little kid. Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down. So I'm not gonna beg, okay. If it's my time, it's my time.

Billie: You really believe that. You wanna die. Dean, every notebook on this particular shelf tells a version of how you die. You specifically. Heart attack, burned by a red-haired witch, stabbed by a ghoul in a graveyard, and on and on. But which one's right? That depends on you. On the choices you make.

Dean: Well I guess I made my choice.

This huge pile of angst is so revealing when it comes down to how Dean’s purpose in life has changed. He defined himself over his job, both hunting and protecting his brother. But what is the purpose of a hunter if he no longer can save the people closest to him, the people he loves? If he can’t even save strangers? If he only seems himself as a burden to his brother, as someone whose actions no longer have any value?

Both Sam and Dean make a small step in the right direction in the end, with Sam refusing to let go and forcing Dean to talk, instead of trying to be nice, and with Dean opening up. Dean who admits that he is not ok, that even though he has lost people before (John, Bobby), this time it is different. He needs a win, and it is no coincidence that he echoes Cas’s words from 12x19 here. Cas’s desperation for a win has led him to make all the wrong choices (releasing Lucifer, betraying the Winchesters etc) and got him killed in the end.

The last two or so minutes of the episode were a thing of beauty. The music choice was great (Steppenwolf’s “It’s never too late”) and even though we all expected the “Hello Dean” I really liked that they choose the show the return of Cas without words. Kudos to Jensen and Misha, and John F. Showalter, for acting and directing the scene the way they did. (And did you all notice that giant neon cross in the scene? They couldn’t have made it clearer that Dean has found his faith again.)

Death Becomes Her

Remember all that speculation if Billie is the new Death? Guess what, you were right guys. Well, somehow. But as much as I am delighted that Billie is back (as the big boss) I have two questions: Does that mean that in the time between 10x23 and 12x09 there was no Death? Who was in charge? And did Billie got herself killed on purpose knowing that she would get a promotion? (Ok, three questions). Because making deals with the Winchesters is a fool proof way to get yourself killed. She also says that killing her is what got Cas killed (in a way), confirming that the cosmic consequences of breaking the deal were indeed Cas’s death and possibly the opening to the alternative universe.

Speaking of, I wonder why Billie is interested in the multiple worlds (and if she perhaps has her own agenda regarding Jack). My only speculation is that opening the rift between the worlds could cause cosmic imbalance. If people (especially those who are dead in one world and alive in another) travel through the worlds it will cause chaos. We already saw that with Mary, who wasn’t supposed to be alive, and the ripple effect her actions caused.

I found it rather amusing that Billie had her table in her huge office right in front of the “W” section (though I admit I thought the Winchesters would have a whole shelf for themselves by now). The fact that multiple notebooks exist with all kind of possible deaths for Dean (and Sam as well) confirms that the future isn’t set in stone (something Missouri already told us and is in stark contrast to the idea of Jack seeing the future in 12x19). (Also, a red haired witch? Rowena?)

With her new job Billie sees the bigger picture and knows now why the old Death has brought back Sam and Dean so many times. She tells Dean that he and Sam are important, that they got work to do, without telling them exactly why. Just as Chuck Billie puts a massive amount of responsibility into the hands of Sam and Dean, something that at least Dean has admitted he has no interest in. It is possible this is related to Jack, as I can imagine that he will play a bigger role on a cosmic scale in the future (he could be the one to bring balance).

Some other things:

- The PB&J. Remember how we all speculated who would be the one Dean is making it for (Jack or Cas)? And none of us considered that Dean would make it for himself. Interestingly enough the PB&J is tied to both Mary and Cas. Mary is the one who used to make sandwiches for Dean; the PB&J is a childhood memory and comfort food. On the other hand though we all associate PB&J with Cas since 9x11, and in hindsight we could say the PB&J foreshadowed Cas’s return. (I’m sure there is crack meta already out there, explaining how it was the PB&J that brought Cas back and that @elizabethrobertajones has written already 10.000 words about it <3)

- Jack digging through Sam’s old DVD’s, becoming a full time nerd. (Please let the two of them make awkward references soon).

- Dean living out his cowboy fantasy with his boyfriend next week. (It is the cowboy boots that make him sexy)

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Nobody Calls Dean McFly a Nerd

Transmission date: Monday 18/Tuesday 19 September 2017

Yeah, I said this would be 'punctual' and 'up a decent amount of time before the PPV', but hey

i was ill, and also you're not the boss of me

(unless you are)

(in which case my salary hasn't been coming in and we need to talk)

so without any further ado (just kidding, this is gonna be ado city right here) i present to you SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(yeah, you thought it was gonna be sunday, didn't you?)

(daniel did)

(he was super unprepared and is currently eating lunch in his booth)

(it looks delicious)

(bastard)

ahem

yes

wrestles?

opening on an in memoriam for bobby heenan

aww

we're in san jose

i should be able to make some kind of sport joke there but i can't find it

anyway, here's kurt

apparenrtly we have two matches at no mercy that are mania-worthy

casual shade at the rest of the card there

kurt says that's not all, and now here's the miz

with his bros, but not his wife

oh yeah, she's pregnant

that makes sense

boo for the next year or so when i don't get to steal her style ideas

miz, meanwhile, is wearing black trousers and a white jacket and growing a shitty beard

the single look doesn't suit you, mike

he's complaining that he doesn't have a match at mercy

kurt's like dude i was just saying that

jordan/elias/hardyz in a four-way tonight for a shot at him

miz complains that kurt puts his son in the match ahead of his super-qualified and totally legit hangers-on

kurt has had enough of your tone, young man

miz gives him a lecture about responsible fatherhood

see how kurt isn't beating the shit out of him, shane?

this is called being a responsible employer

miz fucked up his words at least twice while i was writing that last sentence

get it together, dude

anyway, here's jj to step to him

and defend his dad's honour

in a new magic eye singlet

i think he's secretly dressed as a tractor

jj asks kurt to put curtis and bo in the match so miz can shut the fuck up

never gonna work, dude

miz says one more thing about his father

gets fucked on, as promised

booker gives sage words about how jj needs to control his temper

dude, did you watch your entire fucking career

for example, jason has never dropped an n-bomb on air

later tonight we have brock and braun being interviewed (bad) and roman giving an address (worse)

but next, alexa/nia

brilliant shot of them walking backstage

alexa's expression of barely-restrained terror sells it

but first have this advert for cena/reigns

because god knows we haven't talked about it enough

back to jj backstage

as kurt storms in to tell him to calm down and focus

jason responds by ranting about what everyone thinks of him

dude, this is the opposite of calm and focus

kurt talks some fatherly shit at him, boils down to #hatersgonnahate

tells him to win the match

bet he never thought of that

but actually now, here's alexa

doing her best 'ignoring the proles but also lowkey bricking it' face

and also nia

bell rings, alexa runs away

like you thought it'd go any other way

eventually gets back in the ring, gets dicked on for a while before trying to talk nia down

and running away again

heads up the ramp, headed off by sasha

and then nia flattens her

(alexa, that is)

sasha's just lurking at ringside like oh hey there

alexa totally just hit a curbstomp on nia

i thought we banned that

alexa sets up on the top rope, goes for a crossbody, gets samoan dropped to death

sasha attacks nia after the pin, gets fucked on

and oh hey, bayley's back

somewhere, emma is just like yknow what i'm good

the three of them face off against nia and take her down

oh my god, i would watch the shit out of sasha, bayley and alexa as the shield

#extremefantasybooking

nia leaves, bayley extravagantly hugs everyone

they both raise alexa's arm, then remember who she is and bayley suplexes her into oblivion

i really should have seen this coming what with it being san jose

+10 hometown boost

cole recommends we go to wwenetworkrightnow.com

someone needs to learn how web addresses work

and also hypes kevin/shane in a cell

which...no

and gameplay ad for 2k18

ooh, it's got billie in

i'll probably play it, but not preorder this one

destiny 2 and injustice 2 exist, along with others

ad for total bellas, which looks less good

and a package of wrestling peeps eulogising heenan

apparently we're gonna get more of those throughout the show

cole tries to do heenan banter, corey shuts him the fuck down

and now, a video package about brock

god, i hate ppv setup shows

this is all footage from 2002

transition straight into mania 30 without a AND THEN HE BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK title card

and along came a strowman

okay, i will never not giggle at the announce table sandwich spot

paul claims that was the first time in brock's life he got carted off the battlefield

see above, re: BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK

this package has just reminded me of luke harper's existence

what happened to him?

internet says him and rowan are still signed, but little else

anyway, package is over, here comes cesaro

and also his best bro

i will never get over their fusion dance pose

actual fact

they're up against the good brothers, who are still jobbing wherever possible because we saw the shit that happens when they get to main even

ad for smackdown, which i am super unhyped for

the aftermath of vince 'blading is awful unless it's me' mcmahon

let's see how that trash fire goes later

sheamus wants to talk to us about nostalgia

and also about how he clearly doesn't understand the difference between sequels and remakes

conclusion: fuck nostalgia

and here come the kkb to fuck it for us

apparentliy seth and dean are both exploiting each other

cesaro responds to what chants by repeating the same phrase half a dozen times

which is kind of great

wait, sheamus has mtn dew and liverpool fc patches

now i need to study the rest of both of their jackets

anyway, they finish their usual proclamations, and now here are seth and dean

seth describes them as like if taxi driver and braveheart had a really ugly baby

seems legit

although i don't love the 'yeah but you look dumb' retort

they talk about brothers a bunch, gives anderson and gallows a perfect chance to cut in

and call seth and dean nerds

seth's like oh no dude you shouldn't have said that

dean is not happy

nobody calls dean mcfly a nerd

cue brawl

ending with seth and dean in the ring and everybody else outside like bwaaaaaahhhhh next time gadget

but fuck that shit, here's an ad for asuka

meanwhile, kurt has once again taken the path of least resistance and made this into a triple threat

expect spots, shenanigans, and a champion win

cesaro and sheamus 100% just kicked gallows in the dick

ref like whatevs i'll allow it

book talks about the good brothers not finding their footing in wwe, cole's like ummmmm dude they were tag champs

this match is primarily seth and dean and the kkb doing rapid tags and good wrestling and anderson and gallows being like yessir we are also here

oh hey, anderson tagged in

had to happen evetually, i guess

cole almost calls gallows 'the big dog', catches himself in time

accidental double hot tag takes us to seth/cesaro, and frankly the other four can go home

weird spot where seth goes for his turnbuckle bomb then has to redirect halfway through to not throw cesaro into anderson and gallows' corner

seth eats a magic killer, dean breaks the pin only to get thrown into a barricade by the kkb

someone in the ring just shouted "sports entertainment!" and i don't know in what context

sheamus and cesaro do their flapjack cutter, then both forget who's legal and roll out of the ring, then both run back in and go for the tag at the same time

with cesaro doing the pin and sheamus just holding seth's right calf

is this a fucking laurel and hardy movie

and then anderson forgets how to set up a superplex

-checks the headlines for an epidemic of fail ravaging san jose-

double double suicide dives from seth and dean

next up in 'spots that make not a single fucking lick of sense when you think about them'...

whatever the good brothers are good at, it's not selling when they take a suicide dive

sheamus blind tags off dean, dean hits dirty deeds on anderson, sheamus steals the pin

would you look at that, a champion victory on a ppv setup show

cole started a sentence with "The Bar claims...", i totally hear the barsgays

cesaro poses on the ramp, sheamus hobbles off backstage, seth and dean don't give a shit

but nowthe miz rallies his troops in the locker room

(if you know what i mean)

bo interrupts like dude i used to do motivational speeches can i criticise your technique

bo and curtis give their cvs, throw some casual shade on their boss

realistically, why is matt hardy in that match?

the others have at least been winning a bunch lately or have had their boss shouting at the gm

has kurt been hassled by seven deities

this video from mania 21 brought to you by pizza hut

ok, but...why?

yes, edge won the first mitb

why are you telling us this now

okay, nobody knows

cole does an awkward segue into cena/reigns

corey forgets how to speak english

don't worry dude, attempting to hype roman reigns matches does that to me too

and now enjoy this video package of the parallel histories of john cena and roman reigns

i remember when there was live wrestling on this show, not like 80% clip shows

(yup, turns out i still hate ppv setup shows)

(however much of a tire fire smackdown is, at least it won't be a ppv setup show)

i really don't get why they can say bitch on the live shows but then censor it out of the video packages

okay, even in retrospect this cena promo was fire

and straight from that into an advert for vince's totally legit head injury

back in the real world (ha), kurt is on the phone

he certainly spends a lot of time on that phone

which is...an accurate representation of management, i guess

kudos, dubby dubby wee

+0.01 reality points

(current score: -89887452.99)

pan over to goldust standing inches from a poster with his back to the room

and then he turns round without paint on

whaaaaaaat

and the bodysuit undone partly as well

he wants another shot against bray in his real face

which raises the question: if he wins, why was the paint there in the first place

some kind of anime power limiter?

leaves, then pops back in to snap in kurt's face as usual

but in the ring, it's curt hawkins

woo

he's closed the star factory

and replaced it with the curt hawkins history machine

huh?

he's going to make history by ending his 114-match loss streak

well, that makes sense i guess

at least he's aware of his failings

and here comes apollo crews

the apathy is just rolling in off the crowd in waves

titus is here too

corey is either listing the current roster of titus worldwide or naming random celebrities

hard to tell

apollo shows off all the athleticism and none of the charisma, as ever

curt actually gets a nearfall, which is good for him

ticker advertises raw next week for 'ontario, CA'

ok, a) CA is a real state abbreviation, and b) ontario is big

unless it's going to be on the road through ontario in some kind of epic monday night raw travelling roadshow

i'd watch it

anyway, while i was distracted by the ticker, apollo won

i love how his 115-match streak gets an onscreen graphic

up next, brock and braun talk

sigh

after a small dancing child with cancer

it's an ad, ftr

not dolph trying another new gimmick

great, here they are

complete with paul growing out of brock's left shoulder

long beat before paul remembers his client can't talk until at least halfway through the segment

got to pace himself

braun: "My actions speak for my words!"

...i got nothin

some next-level uplit glower coming from braun though

which i just read back as 'quilt glamour'

next big aesthetic of 2017

this lighting makes braun's tattoos look like absolute shit

i'd provide a pic, but then i'd have to keep looking at them as i tracked one down

just trust me

i think it's the combination of veins and scar tissue

the way this shot is arranged, brock looks like an uncomfortable child as his parents argue over his head

paul decides cole's interview displeases him, so he's writing his own

tbf, cole is entirely unnecessary in this situation

yay, brock's warmed up

leans into camera, and the scale difference makes him and paul look like an 80s album cover

oh hey, brock got to do a mild swear

quick, let's censor it out of all future broadcasts

and the segment's over

thank god

and next...roman delivers a message

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

after these recaps of the women's title happenings

yeah, primarily making me double down on the fact that a women's trios competiton would be rad

and they've added bayley to the no mercy match?

for reasons

emma complains on twitter, and she's kind of right

but now (sigh) roman reigns

the presence of roman has made cole forget what time of year it is

he is just a well of negative thought

standard loooooooong-ass beat before he talks

opens by bigging up cena's talking skills

maybe a bad start

and then probably swears? the tape delay caught it

namechecks alex riley as the boring white version of himself

which is...fair, tbh

calls cena a bitch again, take a shot as you despair for the writers' lack of better material

rolls a vt from 20fucking12

of cena basically having the same problem with the rock as roman has with cena

the main difference being i don't want to punch past cena in the face rn

the real angle we want to see is cena v past cena

get on it, r&d

roman calls cena out for not being here today

is smug af

halfway decent promo, but tbh most of the good bits were shamelessly ripped from cena material

which, hey, steal from the best

in any case, he's gone

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

asks them how they're going to deal with fighting each other in the 6-pack

they're both like welp, it's kind of what we do

matt does the broken accent for one line, everyone pops

and wyatt cut

i like to think matt is still in full flow and just hasn't realised the cameras are off

but yeah, here's bray

and here's a total bellas ad

strong juxtaposition

and also an asuka ad

led with a quote from fucking sun tzu

excuse me while i sigh so hard my lungs collapse

like

they're on a big push in china

so someone must have realised it isn't the same country as japan

and yet

this summerslam recap slideshow is mostly a chance for bray's music to keep playing so we can here the full track

which is fucking great

and here's

dustin rhodes

the dramatic renaming is slightly let down by the fact that both his tron and the fucking clothes he's wearing say GOLDUST in big letters

could they not have just put him in some generic gear for this match

cole has clearly just ctrl+f'd his internal monologue, and now he's awkwardly calling dustin rhodes by his full name at every opportunity

but yeah, if you were trying to be the man behind the gimmick, why would you still be wearing the hey-look-at-my-junk bodysuit?

pins bray in the corner ropes, kicks him twice in the inner thigh (honestly officer), and then eats a sister abigail for the pin anyway

cue finn on the tron

dustin can't even have this loss to himself

finn is here to tell a story about his youth

in the form of the next big YA novel

i would totally read a novel series anbout a fictionalised finn bálor

finn points out that even the man behind the demon is a man who made himself a demon

so not exactly harmless

reason 1745 i love finn bálor: understanding of symbology

after this bobby heenan memorial, enzo will be here

so i kind of hope it lasts half an hour

and now the announce team awkwardly eulogise some more

and cut to a video package of his greatest moments

this is about 409000% better than enzo turning up

oh fuck, here he is

i am loving the number of boos he's getting

oh thank fuck here comes braun our lord and saviour to bodycheck him into the underworld

casually chucks him into the ring over the top rope from the floor

san jose loves him

spinebuster to death, then powerslam out the other side

walks off, neville turns up while he's halfway up the ramp

gives the angry giant a wide berth

and red arrows enzo for shits

demands a mic, does enzo's shuffle and how you doin', leaves

and san jose fucking loves him

beating up enzo is not good for your heel heat

oh wait, apparently he's sticking around for a fight

after this ad for smackdown

and this recap vt of enzo getting dunked on

cut to charly interviewing enzo in the trainer's room

he's like woe is me i am dead

but btw i'm still gonna win on sunday

but in any case, now it's neville v gran metalik

rip el rey de las cuerdas

neville tears his mask open

ooooooooooooh

-shocked silence-

metalik responds with a lovely step-up tope

neville intercepts a moonsault into the rings of saturn, successfully stands up to lucha rage

and now after beating enzo, he's painted a huge target on his back for every luchador in the company

but now a hispanic heritage month thing about jennifer lopez

for whatever reason

it's worth noting that we're halfway through september, and wwe hasn't mentioned it until they have time to fill on a ppv setup show

one ad for 205 later, here's elias to open the main event reunion tour

he is disappointed in san jose

but also in all his opponents, so there's that

threatens a child in the audience that he'll get them and their mother kicked out of san jose

do...do wrestlers have that power?

and here's a diss track about his opponents and also btw san jose

interrupted by the hardyz before he can get to their verse

ooh, jeff's gone back to his old pre-mermaid arms sleeves

in all their improbable glory

and curtis and bo don't even have their own entrance any more

oh, and they get their boss to come with them

well, i guess he'd be coming on announce or w/e anyway

ok, no, he's just gonna lurk

and commence huge brawl

someone's brought miz his studio chair for ringside

brief moment where it looks like the heels are all going to work together, then elias is like ohhhh wait i'm a huge dick -kicks bo in the kidneys-

incredibly slow tower of doom setup for the hardyz to suplex the miztourage superplexing jj

elias goes for the cheap pin, jeff breaks it

and then elias eats a poetry in motion for good measure

matt then immediately turns on his brother, side effect for a nearfall

jj deploys approximately 63% of the world's suplexes, miz throws him into the audience because no rules motherfuckers

matt twist of fates bo for a nearfall, broken by elias

who then hits drift away on matt, pin broken by jeff

crotch drops elias, swantons axel, miz breaks the pin

and jj hits kind of a meh neckbreaker for the cheap pin

insistent crowd member with an I PAID TO SEE DANA BROOKE sign

oh, honey

miz comes into the ring to sarcastically applaud jj

and then tries to punch him and gets suplexed to death

until curtis and bo come in to kick some shit out of him

and finale

and some post-beatdown smacktalk from the miz

calls him a bastard, which we can get away with when it's used in its technical sense

and fade on the twat triumphant

(my new feminist porn site)

...

that's the worst joke i've ever made on here

i am sorry

right, this is normally where i would roll on to smackdown

but, while i do have a weekly quota of sweaty men falling over, it's about to be filled by the new season of strictly

i have diverse interests

so until i get back, here's a line to tide you over

----------------------------------

damn, that was a good line

and if anyone was expecting another kind, you are seriously overestimating our budget here

so failing that, how about some SUNDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN?

(yeah, no mercy starts in like nine and a half hours)

(this whole punctuality thing was never going to take)

so yes

do the show

oh god this is going to be the vince mcmahon drama hour, isn't it

now lasting two hours

raw was mostly bullshit, expect this to be bullshit for other reasons

oh hey, let's kick off with a recap of the whole angle

if you can't remember what happened, read this blog more carefully?

really can't help you with that

oh hey, i want to punch vince in the throat again

funny how quickly that comes back

they've put so much reverb and filters on this audio that kevin is basically unrecognisable

his name is legion

ok, yeah, i'll never not pop for vince getting the shit kicked out of him really

we're in oakland today, so [topical joke about the a's]

and opening with some shane

commence the dramening

whoever designed the graphics for hiac this year needs to calm the fuck down

HANDS AND SKULLS ALL HANDS AND SKULLS HANDS OPENING A SKULL HELL IN A CEEEEEEEEEEELL

apparently vince had three fractured ribs

and shane is now here to sing his praises and how much he loves him

one day they'll work out what they want the image of the mcmahon family to be

shane condemns kevin to hell in the cell [sic]

work out the name of your show, dude

HANDS AND SKULLS AND FIIIIIIIIIRE

okay, now i need to calm down

but later tonight in other angles, corbin/styles for the concept of an open challenge

but next, randy

come back shane, all is forgiven

well

most is forgiven

but first, have this ad for cena/reigns

again

i miss creepy cheerleader cult alexa

oh, and here's aiden english

guess we know what randy's here for

sweet lennon shades, dude

aiden provides his own dubiously-scanning version of randy's music

calls him a tool, gets a massive pop

keep the faith, oakland

shot of the announce table reminds me once more of the a+ announce team on here

and here's randy

oh look, still a tool

"this could be a well-laid plan by aiden english...or it could be a crucifixion"

byron saying what we're all thinking

my money's in column b

guy at the front of the round with a kane sign is either slightly ahead of events or significantly behind

we will see tonight

aiden takes a backbreaker on the barricade, then slams randy into the announce table anyway

nice to see him get some solid offence

still gonna lose, but

gets a thumb to randy's eye while he argues with the ref

adding randy to the calm the fuck down list

and then counters a top rope crossbody into a shoddy-ass rko

handy slowmo replay of the shittiness of that finisher

oh hey, here's rusev to defend the honour of musical theatre

or possibly to recover his honour in the eyes of the noble people of bulgaria

or to...rip randy's teeth out?

esoteric threat there

randy agrees to the match, then immediately gets momentarily distracted by aiden and kicked in the face for the pin

rusev then runs off up the ramp instead of getting down to tooth-ripping

i'm simultaneously disappointed and thankful

stands on the stage, rejoices at his reclaimed honour

oh, but tom has news

kevin will be here via satellite

from the next room

seems inefficient, but hey

tradition

also tonight, charlotte's back to talk about her dad

but now, here's jinder

walking backstage sharing smug stories with his crew

and he'll be here after this ad for kids with cancer

or

what's the opposite of an ad?

like

an avert?

but then it'd just be an a

appropriately for oakland i guess

BOOOOOOOM SPORTS JOKE

damn, i'm good

ad for total bellas, and now rusev is freaking out backstage

renee comes to interview him, has to immediately explain the word 'elated'

rusev is off back to bulgaria to be a hero again

but now, here are the singhs and their amazing alveolar trills

and also their boss

in a possibly ill-advised spotted shirt

or maybe i just spend too much time critiquing wrestlers' fashion choices

jinder is doubling down on mocking shinsuke's face

this is the most incisive and well-written angle

the singhs are continuing to find jinder's jokes more hilarious than is healthy

and now jinder's getting at the crowd for being racist against japanese people?

sure, dude

they've spun a really long mic spot out of one pic of shinsuke and a bunch of racism

oh, and there's the japanese people can't say /l/ joke

credit to oakland for all just going oooooooooh there

this is genuinely breathtakingly racist

crowd start a that's too far chant

p sure he crossed that line weeks back, but welcome to the party

we have whisky and non-discriminatory humour

does some ranting in punjabi to 3% of the people of his alleged country, end segment

the announcers are all like yeah, that was a bit much

let's move on and try to forget that

up next, corbin/styles

in the allegedly open title challenge

after this repeat of the video about j-lo off raw

remember last year when they did the whole month of different latinx people?

but sure

but now, renee interviews shinsuke

who's like yeah that jinder's a funny guy -lowkey furious-

and then leaves

and here's aj

and a replay of styles/dillinger last week

that was a good match

aj has thoughts about kevin/shane

he thinks kevin shouldn't be messing with the man who brought aj to the wwe and started smackdown live

um

remember mania?

but now to talk shit about "shortcut king" baron

and list his recent failures

(which are hilarious)

and here comes the dick himself

with his new intro i still don't quite get

corey is talking shit about baron for seeing the us belt as a trophy

which...it is?

gregg mentions aj's weight, and i get briefly distracted by the fact that he'd only need to cut a few pounds to be a cruiserweight and how good aj/cedric would be

anyway, while i thought about that, baron attacked aj before the bell, leading tye to run in and take the fight to him

refs have removed tye, but baron's selling a fucked leg

so aj puts him in the calf crusher as well, cos why wouldn't you

hit aj's music, guess the thing's over

with baron rolling around at ringside going OW MY LEG

we get it, dude

but up next, charlotte

after pizza hut gives us a random clip of the past

this time, it's mitb 2011

i have no fucking clue what rationale they pick these clips on

but hey, it's nice to watch bryan win things

and here's baron hobbling around backstage

renee comes to interview him, he screams about feeling violated

not sure that was where you wanted to go with that, dude

swears vengeance, end thing

and here's charlotte

in street clothes

and oh look, she and her dad have written a book and it's out today

such coincidence

remember when charlotte was meant to be her own thing distinct from her family?

she's here to thank everyone for their tweets and positive energy

or possibly thoughts and prayers

the former seems more likely these days

but ric is apparently going to be ok, so i can resume talking shit about him without feeling bad about it

one day he'll die and i'll feel momentarily bad for all the crap i've said about him before going on with my life

charlotte has learnt an important lesson about the fragility of life and shit

and here's nattie to be insensitive

she's like cool your dad's ok but let's talk about the important shit

nattie is hosting wwe's first ever celebration of women?

like

it's totally a thing they should do

but we have a heel doing it, so this is going to be shitty

okay, yeah, it's going to be celebrating all women by looking at nattie in particular

because we're all basically her

charlotte's just like yeah whatever i want a title shot

good shutdown

and here's becky to be sarcastic

in a really nice waistcoat

and also challenge for the title

oh, and here's naomi

who can imagine why

in an enormous white pimp robe

sure

i take it back

an enormous multicoloured pulsing pimp robe

she doesn't even get to say she wants a shot before tamina and lana cut in

lana's here to talk about how bitches ain't shit and her client deserves a shot

so nattie has a tantrum outside the ring about all these women overshadowing her celebration of women

here's noted non-woman daniel bryan to weigh in

making the main event a four-way for a title shot

remember when there was more than one angle in the division?

ha

of course you don't

never happened

and up next, new day/hype bros

the building may explode with enthusiasm

after this ad for brock/braun, at least

back in the room, the bros are already here

and the usos are on announce

lovely shot of someone in the crowd joining in with the new day intro but forgetting how many times they've been champs

loving all the match card graphics, where big e is totally doing his best broken matt hardy

meanwhile in the match, mojo steals e's ab stretch spank thing

but yeah, they've announced new day/usos rematch at hiac

like anyone didn't know that was coming

e takes a broski boot, kofi shows he can fuck a team up on his own

zack tries for a rollup, eats a midnight hour for the pin

usos front, new day party, end thing

but now let's go back to the mcmahon drama

leading with a recap of vince getting beat on

and now here's kevin via satellite from what looks like a high school theatre supplies room

still life with canadian, spotlight and big red square, 2017

kevin is sorry for what he did, but it's all shane's fault for making him want to do it

claims to have nothing but respect for vince

he's also apologising in advance for the carnage at hiac

and maintaining that he's the good guy here

end thing

have a graphic for the women's four-way

and an ad for john cena's superhero body spray

which you should not attempt

and now here are the hype bros backstage

mojo is tired of losing all the time

proposes drastic action

but now here's dolph

presumably to complain about gimmicks

which he's made into its own gimmick, so it's only a matter of time before wrestling collapses in on itself

and then i'll have to watch scandinavian crime dramas for this blog or something

daniel's ears pricked up at that

i told you, no cable knit jumpers in my studio

in any case, dolph is now being hhh

"Was that fun? Can I run NXT now?"

and now he has more things

corey is filled with rage and despair

and now he's hbk

except modern hbk

hat and flares, no shades or weird bondage vest

oakland is united in wanting him to do cm punk

dolph ziggler, celebrity impressionist

dolph rants some more, goes back out

and now he's in dx

remember when we had cumbersome overlays as part of entrances

i kind of love it

the dx music is still great, too

dolph rails against dx trying to stay relevant, despite the fact that they haven't been since the late 90s

shouts at the crowd for not appreciating the craft

and he doesn't care about the crowd

cares enough to choreograph numerous elaborate entrances with costumes and props and shit, but hey

and then wanders off

is this going anywhere in particular, or is it just that we had some time to fill?

announce team move swiftly on to hyping no mercy

but next, main event

i'm not optimistic for the chances of the one heel in this match

especially because it's tamina, and she doesn't get to win things

after this ad for 2k18, in any case

back in the ring, becky's already here

but fuck that, let's have an ad for 205

oh, and tamina's already here too

becky at least got music

and here's naomi

showing us that enormous fur robes are actually really hard to dance in

i do like her mismatched eyeshadow though

charlotte's back in one of her dad's robes, which makes a certain amount of sense

i still miss peacock queen charlotte

oh, and lana's lurking at ringside

hadn't noticed

match starts, immediately go to a roman/cena ad

because why bother actually watching the main event

all three faces briefly team up to dunk on tamina, because why wouldn't you

naomi springboard crossbodies charlotte and becky simultaneously, cos she's great

pan out to nattie watching the match and looking smug

naomi gets her submission on charlotte, becky breaks it up so she can disarmher naomi

because submission wrestling goes so well in a four-way

charlotte spears tamina, it's pretty great

and then moonsaults her and naomi simultaneously

i talk a lot of shit about charlotte, but it's good to have her back

becky breaks a figure eight with a leg drop, which seems dangerous as fuck

everyone is dead

becky takes a samoan drop and then a splash from tamina, naomi breaks up the pin in a really cool way, lana pulls her out and gets fucked on, and then something i didn't quite catch put tamina down for a pin by charlotte

oh right

superkicked naomi, then took a big boot from charlotte

she does do a very big boot indeed

so yeah, charlotte/nattie at hiac

feel like we've seen this before

but hey, who am i to expect variation and originality in wrestling

and we fade on charlotte being like fuck yeah my dad isn't dead also something about a match

right, hopefully this'll get posted before no mercy

if it does, hmu on twitter @waruce if you don't already

but for now, i'm off to watch the rest of the week's wrestling before i run out of week

[2700fstreet]

THEATER / 2017-2018

Wilderness

by Seth Bockley and Anne Hamburger Directed by Seth Bockley Presented by En Garde Arts

*(Please note this show contains mature themes and language that may not be appropriate for audiences younger than 13.)

So, What’s Going On?

The Play

“I was just, I guess, lost.”

Wilderness is the story of six teens who’ve gotten lost in their lives. It is based on the experiences of real youth who ended up as “clients” in a wilderness therapy program—voluntarily or not—as a way to confront their personal struggles and demons. The production also features real parents’ points of view as they sought help for their children whose lives were spinning out of control.

The play unfolds in a series of scenes, or vignettes, as the group of teens and counselors backpack and camp through a stretch of high-country desert in southwestern Utah. Through these scenes we trace the back stories of the teen clients: Elizabeth, Sophia, Chloe, Dylan, Cole, and Michael. They share stories about drug use and abuse, gender identity, dangerous thrill-seeking, sexual abuse, cutting and other self-harms, and ongoing struggles and fights with parents. (“I miss you and I hate you,” Elizabeth signs in a letter to home.) And slowly, they reveal how they came to be there. Staffers and fellow campers interact, hassle, confront, and support one another, trying to get at the personal pain that seems to be driving anger and cruel behavior toward themselves and others.

Action onstage is mixed with video projections of interviews with the actual parents. The parents retell their fears and frustrations about watching their kids’ lives race toward wreckage. In desperation, they reached for a wilderness therapy program to try to intervene in these teens’ destructive trajectories. For many of these adults, wilderness therapy was their last hope for saving their kids.

A “Mom” character is also represented on stage. She plays both an interviewer and a dramatic stand-in for the video parents. It eventually becomes clear that she and the parents are on their own journeys to make peace with their children and their children’s troubles and choices. A phone call with a camp counselor communicates to Mom that she can’t control what is happening with her son. She has to let go and practice living her own life. It appears that the adults have recovery work to do, too.

As the play nears its conclusion, we see the campers gain self-confidence as they experience the natural world and gain pride in their improving social and wilderness skills. And near the end, we learn what happened once they returned to the life they had known, often with new insights and clearer ideas of who they are and can become.

Good to Know

The Story Behind the Play

“People that love us will forgive us.”

Wilderness is an example of “documentary theater.” It is a style of drama that presents the stories of real people, told by actors, often mixing interviews with onstage action. In this production, the stories of real-life teens are acted out on stage mixed with video excerpts from interviews with the actual parents. Movement and music brighten and punctuate the play’s themes.

The theatrical project grew out of the personal experiences of co-writer Anne Hamburger and her teenage son. Their family tried traditional therapies, she says, “But it got to the point where we just couldn’t reach him. [Wilderness therapy] seemed like a viable alternative. And for us, it was successful.”

The play itself is the result of a year-and-a-half of research and interviews conducted by Hamburger and Seth Bockley. (Bockley also directs the show.) They spoke with parents and teens who had undergone wilderness therapy and who bravely shared their experiences and outcomes.

Hamburger emphasizes that wilderness therapy provides the setting but isn’t the core of the play. “It’s really about the quest for connection within families,” she said in an interview at Penn State, “and, when troubles arise, how one looks at oneself differently and how one needs to change in order to heal and make connection possible.”

Here, you can find an interview with Anne Hamburger, co-writer and producer of Wilderness.

An Explanation First: What is Wilderness Therapy?

“They said you’re going to the wilderness.”

Wilderness therapy encompasses programs that immerse troubled teens in the outdoors. The intention is to remove them from environments that seem to trigger destructive and self-destructive behavior. Away from civilization and guided by counselors, they are given the chance to face their problems without the distractions of social media, drugs and alcohol, or dysfunctional relationships.

Many such programs exist, of various durations and intensities. As a rule, though, they last for nine weeks to three months at a cost upwards of $20,000. In many cases, wilderness therapy has become a last-ditch effort by parents to help their kids survive adolescence after more traditional approaches have been exhausted. Parents may hire agencies to arrive in the early morning hours to take away their kids and deliver them to the therapy program. Some young clients go willingly, but minors may be “transported”—coerced in one way or another to go.

The programs themselves amount to around-the-clock therapy, designed to change harmful thought and behavior habits. Daily activities are usually a mix of hiking, learning wilderness skills like camping and fire-making, and ongoing and as-needed therapy sessions. The therapeutic goal for most kids is to raise their sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy to the point they become more resilient to self-destructive and antisocial behaviors. Ideally, they also develop the social and emotional skills that allow them to function, thrive, and create happier lives once they return home.

Not all wilderness therapy programs are equal or regulated, however. Especially in the past, they have been conflated with correctional “boot camps” that have emphasized physical exertion as well as punishment. Horror stories about mistreated youth have occasionally emerged from these places.

Today, though, wilderness therapy programs receive greater scrutiny and oversight. Organizations like the Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare Center at the University of New Hampshire have published accreditation standards and provide accreditation to distinguish the good from the bad, the reputable from the disreputable.

Anecdotal evidence of the effectiveness of wilderness therapy programs is often glowing. Peer-reviewed research indicates it is beneficial for most youth attendees, and points out programs that emphasize therapeutic treatment over recreation are more successful.

Who’s Who

“Dear Mom, please don’t do this to me.”

Elizabeth—came to camp voluntarily to deal with issues related to an abusive, mentally ill mother Sophia—a rebellious teen who has anger issues, especially toward her mom Chloe—after being sexually abused by a boyfriend and bullied by peers, she started cutting herself Dylan—a trans boy and music lover who feels unloved by his parents and everyone else Cole—a risk-taker and Hip Hop lover who has struggled with drug use Michael—he became verbally and physically abusive toward his mother after a nasty divorce Field Staff (Merritt, Rebecca, Billy, Corey, Taco)—wilderness therapy counselors Mom—a woman alarmed and fearful about her child’s behavior and her ability to deal with it; the performer also doubles as the Skype interviewer

Watch and listen how…

the performers switch from teens to counselors by donning jackets or sweatshirts.

setting is established using projections of home, school, and the outdoor scenes.

music and movement support the production and reinforce themes. Pay attention for a scene as the teens wrestle with sleep in a movement sequence on the floor.

characters signal with their bodies and tones of voice what they’re feeling toward themselves and others.

Think about…

ways the characters’ attitudes toward their wilderness therapy experience change during the play.

how the parents and children offer differing views of each other and their relational difficulties.

nonverbal cues you, your friends, and your family use to send a message.

In an interview, co-writer Anne Hamburger said that wilderness therapy provides the “setting” for the play. “It’s really about the quest for connection within families, and, when troubles arise, how one looks at oneself differently and how one needs to change in order to heal and make connection possible.” Think about ways you connect with friends and family. What actions do you take when those connections become frayed?

how a lack of communication between parent and child can lead to devastating consequences.

About En Garde Arts

“Do you want to hear something real?”

En Garde Arts developed Wilderness as part of its ongoing mission “to produce bold, unconventional, and innovative multimedia and interdisciplinary theatre that marries content with community and inspires dialogue and debate about the salient issues of our time.”

Anne Hamburger, co-author of Wilderness, founded the company in 1985. Since then, En Garde Arts has won acclaim for its site-specific productions in New York City, ranging from Orestes at Penn Yards, New York, to Father Was a Peculiar Man in the City’s former Meatpacking District. It has since taken productions including Basetrack and Wilderness on tour.

For more information, visit their website.

Take Action: Take a Nature Walk

“It was a beautiful spring night ...” Ah tranquility! Penetrating the very rock, A cicada’s voice. ~Matsuo Basho

In Japanese it’s called shinrin-yoku—forest bathing. In the West, something similar might be referred to as Nature Therapy. This practice involves taking easy walks in a calming natural environment, away from the chaos and noise of daily life. Studies have shown that time spent in quiet natural settings reduces depression, negative feelings, and stress hormones in the blood. It lowers one’s pulse and blood pressure as well.

Try an experiment. Think of a calm, natural environment near your home or school, or find one. Plan a 30-minute visit of walking or sitting in the most tranquil place there. Leave the smartphone and headphones at home. Don’t even bring a book to read, though perhaps carry a notebook to jot down thoughts that pop up. If you invite a friend, make a pact that you won’t speak during those 30 minutes.

Note your thoughts and feelings before you begin. Note your thoughts and feelings at the end. Compare and contrast your state before and after your quiet time. If you want to get biological, measure your pulse rate before and after as well.

Compose a haiku or two based on your experience. Haiku is a short poetic form that often explores themes in nature.

The first line contains five syllables.

The second line contains seven syllables.

The third line contains five syllables.

A haiku by the Japanese master Matsuo Basho appears above. Here is another: A squirrel hurries. It is part of its nature. Worries? Not so much. ~Sean McCollum

Spend some time in a quiet, natural place. Pay attention to your breathing. Listen for words to float up in your mind. Write a haiku and post it to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, or any platform of your choice. Share it at #wildernesshaiku.

Explore More

Go even deeper with the Wilderness Extras.

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All photos by Baranova.

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Theater at the Kennedy Center is made possible by

The Kennedy Center Theater Season is sponsored by

© 2017 The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts

[geekysweetie]

My Neighbor Totoro Ghiblifest 2017 Anime Movie Review

I went to see My Neighbor Totoro subbed last night as part of the 2017 GKids Studio Ghiblifest. The theater I went to seemed to have a fairly good turnout for the show, but not as popular as the theatrical SailorMoon Release which I reviewed here (dub) and here (sub)

Still it is nice to see anime getting more coverage in theaters. I drove almost an hour to go see Totoro, but it was still closer than the nearly 2 hour drive I made (twice) to go see Sailor Moon. It’s also awesome to see old anime like Totoro from the 80s and SailorMoon from the 90s finally on the big screen!

The excitement of seeing such childhood favorite films on the silverscreen inspired me to want to do a review for Totoro today.

Also be sure to check out the Studio Ghiblifest home page, there will be other Studio Ghibli films in theaters all summer long, with the next one being Kiki’s Delivery Service on July 23 (dub) and 24 (sub). I like Kiki’s Delivery Service so much, that I might just go to both of them :).

Onto the review:

Title: My Neighbor Totoro

Studio: Studio Ghibli

Release Date: 1988

Genre: Slice of Life, Adventure, Fantasy

Geeky: 2/5 This film is beautiful to watch, even now, 20 years after its initial release. But plot wise, this is a very slow moving film, slow and uneventful for almost the entire film, and then insanely rushed in the last 10-15 minutes of the film. Actually the ending feels really disjointed from the rest of the film and you can read about that under the Conspiracy Theory below. The languid plot and ending that feels out of place make this a hard film to like, unless you’re watching it for the beautiful backgrounds and cute characters. Systematically though, I can’t give it high “technical” points due to the poor writing.

Sweetie: 4/5 Like most Ghibli films, this is super charming with a lot of heart. It depicts every day life of two little girls living in a new home in the forest with their father as they wait for their mother to return from a hospital. The girls encounter magical creatures, and those creatures are super adorable to boot. Blending slice of life in traditional Japan in a quiet countryside rural village, alongside the mystical and fantastical secret world that only the girls can see, and all the new magical friends they make, this tale is full of sweet cute moments sure to appeal to anyone looking for a kawaii cute family friendly and feel good anime. — It loses one point because there is no plot or character development. Unlike other Ghibli films, this one just never seems to get off the ground or accomplish much.

Story: 6/10 The story is a slice of life look at the life of 2 very young girls. Their mother is sick in the hospital with some unexplained illness, and their father has just decided to move the family to a new home in the country, thinking the fresh air from the trees would be good for his wife once she returns back home. While exploring their new surroundings, the two girls stumble upon a magical creature which they dub Totoro. Their father says Totoro is a very old forest spirit, and the father, along with Totoro, teaches the young girls to love and respect nature.

Characters: 9/10 The real reason to watch this show is because all of the characters are cute, unique, heart warming, and funny. Not just the adorable Totoro and his friends, but also the human children. The anime puts a lot of work into making us like and care about the girls and their father. In fact, the entire film, until the very end, is just day to day stuff that the girls find exciting about their new home, or sharing loving family moments with their father. — That said, unlike most Ghibli films, there’s really no character “development” the characters do not change much at all throughout the movie. This, combined with a very slow moving plot, makes the anime feel slow and sleepy at times.

Conspiracy Theory: If you’ve already seen the film, here’s something you may be interested in reading. There are spoilers below here, so proceed at your own risk.

Spoiler

By the way have you heard the conspiracy theory that Totoro is actually a Shinigami and that the girls both die in the film? After watching the film again last night, this seems likely. Studio Ghibli denies those rumors and has even gone as far as asking fans to please stop talking about it.

A Shinigami is angel of death, often appearing to children who are about to die and taking comforting forms such as animals etc to help children cross over. Look at other anime such as Full Moon Wo Sagashite and how “cute” the Shinigami appear there. One of the Shinigami in Full Moon Wo Sagashite is even a white rabbit and there is a very old folk tale / superstition about white rabbits. It says if one appears in a village where someone is very sick, that person is sure to pass away soon. This same superstition is also tied to another superstition that says if you say “rabbit, rabbit, rabbit” (note 3 rabbits) on the first and last day of the month, you will have good luck. And in the movie, there are 3 Totoro (who look very much like rabbits to me). Also the Totoro could be symbolic of the girls and the mother themselves! Mei says there is one GREAT BIG Totoro, a “little” Totoro, and a “tiny” Totoro. The big one could represent the mother, the little one the older sister, and the tiny one the young sister.

Even though Studio Ghibli wants these rumors to end, they just won’t die. And with the re-release of the theatrical movie, we can be sure more and more people will be looking for these clues and debating about if Totoro is actually the god of death.

Most of the film is very cute and innocent, with not much going on. It’s a slice of life about 2 little girls living in a new home with their father in the country side. They go to school, pray at the shrine, play in the forest, and take baths and have dinners with their father. But the ending of the film is just so dark and creepy and weird compared to the rest of the film; for me the biggest clue is when the nanny asks Satsuki if it is Mei’s shoe. Satsuki tells her it’s not, and she does this very quickly without even really looking at the shoe. When she tells her this, the old woman’s face is NOT one of relief (Thank goodness Mei is still alive), but one of sadness, there’s even a tear in her eye, and disappointment (in Satsuki not being able to face reality and accept the death of her sister.) the Granny tries to stop Satsuki from looking for Mei, but Satsuki runs off anyways.

From there, the last 10 minutes or so of the film, feel dark and different. As the sun is literally setting in the film, and time is running out to find Mei, everything begins to get really demented looking.

The catbus even explicitly SAYS he’s going to the GRAVE as his next stop to FIND MEI.

In the end, when the girls are in the tree, the mother in the hospital looks out the window and says she could have sworn she saw her children laughing in the tree, but the father cannot see them, despite them all being right there at the same time.

The film takes place in Sayama, and there was a real life murder/suicide with 2 school aged sisters. The young sister is kidnapped and murdered, and the older one goes to find her, but upon discovering that she has already been murdered, the older sister takes her own life / blames herself. And in Totoro, Mei is the younger sister who “disappears” and Satsuki is the older sister who goes to look for her. Satsuki also blames herself (she had yelled at Mei earlier).  Also this murder took place in the month of May and the girls are both named May: Mei and Satsuki (Japanese word for May).

Then there’s the references to Billy Goat’s Gruff. In the fairy tale, there are 3 goats trying to cross a bridge. “Crossing a Bridge” is pretty universal for crossing over into the afterlife. And in the fairytale, it is only when all 3 goats are together that they can cross the bridge. And in Totoro, the three “goats” would be the mother and the 2 girls. The billy goat’s gruff is referenced countless times in the film, peering over the bridges, the story books the mom used to read, and even Totoro’s name is some variation of the Japanese word for troll (supposedly, I dunno what that word is, but it was a trivia thing before the show started asking how did Totoro get his name, and it said it was because Mei mispronounced the Troll from her story book). There’s even a SERIOUSLY VERY CREEPY goat near the end of the film who tries to take Mei’s corn. And in the billy goat’s gruff, the goats get safe passage across the bridge by yelling very loudly. When in Totoro, the Totoros and the Girls scream loudly as they fly around with Totoro, etc.

And if Totoro can be seen by children, why do none of the other children see Totoro or the Catbus when the girls are flying around, they even fly right past the boy that likes Satsuki, and she says “I guess no one else can see us”.

And all throughout the film they keep saying how their house is haunted and everyone is afraid to go inside it, etc.

Lastly, people say that in the final scene, the girls have no shadow when they had shadows in all the rest of the film. Though I think this was maybe just an error or oversight on the part of the animators.

Anyways, it is an interesting theory. It does ask the audience to discount the last 2 minutes or so of the film where the girls return home and are greeted again by the Granny and other children in the village. But aside from that, everything else fits this theory.

End of Spoilers.

Artwork and Animation: 10/10 The backgrounds are lovely and all of the character designs are imaginative, quirky, and cute. Totoro has become so iconic that he is now the mascot for Studio Ghibli and known around the world.

Music: 10/10 I don’t really love the opening song. However, I do super love all the background tracks throughout the film. The ending theme is also catchy.

Voice Acting: 10/10 The two sisters are adorable and precocious. They give very believable performances with a lot of energy and enthusiasm. Totoro’s well timed animal sounds are quirky and cute. And the father and mother both sound very sincere and loving. Granny sounds old and slightly scary, but also warm and loving as well.

Overall: 51/60 85% B “Very Good Anime for Girls”

PS: If you enjoyed Totoro also check out Wolf Children and My Summer with Coo

My Neighbor Totoro Ghiblifest 2017 Anime Movie Review was originally published on GeekySweetie.com - Geeky & Kawaii Anime, Tech, Toys, & Game Reviews & News

[survivorpacificislandallstars]

Ep. 5 - “Survivor: PEOPLE WHO FUCKING PLAY THEMSELVES” - Mitch

Conf #8 (Idk if you got #7 oh well) KAREN GOT ME FUCKED UP! She said we had the votes to get Stevie and yet here we are (Incase you didnt get #7 im worried about Jay Stevie Drew & Mitch in merge and i dont want to be fuckin wit that) and yet here we are I betrayed stevie for nothing and now I HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT SOMEHOW!!!! HOPEFULLY HE JUST DOESNT SUSPECT IT

Brandon: Thank you guys for keeping me Me: literally no one besides me wanted to target you shut up I kind of get why Charlotte said it because like Madison voted for her so other people could have voted with her too but like Brandon didn't get a single vote and when I brought his name up was immediately shut down so like he literally was never a real target, there's no need to  thank us and make a big dumb spectacle

Hi, my name is Mitch McCombs and I'd love to be cast on Survivor: PEOPLE WHO FUCKING PLAY THEMSELVES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS CHALLENGE. I THOUGHT I COULD DO THE HARDEST PUZZLE AND GO TO EXILE AND GET ANOTHER CLUE. Not only did I look completely fucking thirsty for idol clues, I probably just made Jordan Pines hate my guts sldkdslkds Exile Island? NUT. I nutted in public. People think I'm needy as fuck for wanting to go to exile and be alone, Jordan Pines knows exactly why I wanted Exile too. Christ I haven't blown up my own game this badly since fucking NEVERLAND when I took a self vote on a tribe I didn't have majority on. I'm so fucking stupid lkdflkdfss I cannot believe I've just been ravaged by a DUCK of all animals Hopefully I can actually GET a clue so I can SAVE my dumb ASS. Honestly never sign me up for Tumblr Survivor because I'll just keep kicking my own ass

i knew the hosts weren't going to let me stay in the game much longer. i mean allison has me blocked THE HOST HAS ME BLOCKED. classy. where did I go wrong.. maybe i should have added some of their friends to my confessional chat? either way i didnt quit which i wanted to from the second i was added to the tribe chat. and i kept my integrity even thought the hosts lacked theirs. itll be funny to see which one of their friends win. 

Now I know I said I didn't have much faith in our tribe winning immunity last round but this time I REALLY don't have faith since all of us admitted to being shitty at puzzles. Specifically...slide puzzles. If we do go to tribal though, at least I do feel better about what will go down since I'm actually in an alliance now. Or, excuse me, TRUST CLUSTER. We got myself, Ash, Gage, Billy and Steffen! Ash asked me if I was okay with working with Steffen and I'm okay with it as long as he's okay with it and we had this conversation once we finally got our chat put together. [12:58:50 PM] Steffen Bøhn: Im us finally being in an alliance together [1:00:03 PM] Van: Turns out the year 2016 still has some plot twists lmao So, hey! I'm cool with this and if we got the majority then I don't have anything to worry about. I'd rather not vote Kevin out if we go to tribal, and I'd be a bit more inclined towards Ashley. We'll see. Now I'm just gonna hope that I don't get a slide puzzle. 

If I fuck up this challenge because I didn't bother communicating with my tribe about what puzzle I want to do because i already did puzzle 4 Im gonna scream

Conf #9: PUNPUN KAJDNFFKSDJF They fuckt up, but this is all stars and just cuz u fuck up a challenge doesnt mean u are going. We are for sure going to tribal but uhm wish me luck ill say that

oh GOODIE! So I get my wish and got a jigsaw puzzle for the immunity challenge! It was a bit tougher than I was hoping but it was good fun. Then about halfway through it, my fucking laptop crashes. I was honestly about ready to cry because I've already had a bad week and for it to end that way? Yeah, sounds about right. Granted, after my laptop came back to life, I went back to finish the puzzle and I wouldn't have beaten Sam anyway. She did that puzzle in like 30 minutes and it took me about 55 so, well, eep. ANYWAY, we lost the immunity challenge hardcore and we're off to tribal. Trust Clusterfuck is planning on voting for Gabriel, and the unnamed alliance of Ashley,  Rhea, Kevin, I assume Gabriel, and "Ash" (who's on our side) is voting for Steffen. Ash already shared the screenshot of them talking about it so hopefully everything goes smoothly and we have the majority to vote out Gabriel. Granted, I would've rather voted for Ashley but hey, that's life. And thankfully tomorrow I have my two finals here and then I'm more or less done with the semester! So if there's a clusterfuck of a tribal and we have to deal with the fallout of it, well, at least I'll have time to do that now as long as it's not me going tonight.

Ew so we're going to tribal and of course I probably have another huge target on my back because they probably think I have an idol or w.e so I wouldn't be surprised if I got votes but hopefully Steffen goes!!

So the first time I go to exile I'm a flop and never in my life I expected to get my ass mowed by a duck.

I'm not leaving tonight and that's well but I'llbe fucked if I know who is 

DEAR DIARY I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE THAN BEING IN AN ALLIANCE WITH BILLY BUT I GUESS ITS HAPPENING, I’m in bed with the literal devil and his friends, but hey, gonna make friends at least and if it keeps me in the game, Im good with it, so now what, I dunno but people are targeting Gabby and I’m fine, I just rather not die

i am so excited to watch what happens at the other tribes tribal tonight, i know that some shit has went down with steffen and billy since kanto and they both want each other dead. How do I know that? because before all stars both of them requested me for premades to help get the other out. Naturally I agreed to both alliances, cause lying is fun. Either way tonight they are on a tribe together that is going to tribal, and i am excited to see what happens

Confessional: ummmmmm holy shit? I just got to pick tribes and set myself up wonderfully in whatever position I decide to go with, and was able to solidify a core 3 between me Billy and ash, all while forming a secret alliance with Rhea? Iconique. Wellllll not for long unfortunately. Now that we're going to tribal council, I figured out how much Rhea is playing every angle of this game. I really wanted to work with her but I guess that can't happen now. She told me she wanted gabby out but now is telling others to vote steffen? I can't have that. I'm trying to flip the vote onto Rhea because that's just who I am and I hope everything works out? I hope she still loves me after this. Fun fact she was one of the very first people I ever met in this community (and Nathan Cooper WHY WASNT HE CASTED) and she showed how awesome everyone here is. She's one of the reasons I'm still here today and she honestly has had a humongous impact on the person I am today. Love you Rhea (heart)

This is so god damn messy. Ok so we have our alliance of me Gage and ash. Which is part of a bigger alliance of me, Gage, ash, van and steffen. I planted the seed to send steffen home because why would steffen and I be working together? So they want steffen. We want Gabby. Well Rhea comes to Gage and brings up Gabby. Then comes to me and said Gage did that to her Gage just flipped the vote to rhea and I'm honestly crying. Like wow it's hilarious. Powerpuffs are killing it and I'm so happy.

I'm supposed to make a confessional? Probably. Anyway Steffen's going home because Billy is petty, glad to know these are the type of people Im aligned with. I like Steffen, I really do, but I'm not making waves in the game just yet because honey he's unfortunately not important enough for my game. This alliance kinda blows though. Like, it doesn't even have a name. It makes us look like total...um, losers. And like, Im really loyal to like 1.5 of these people, which is Rhea and like half of Ash but I'm wary of ash because A: her name spells half of Ashley and B: she seems like part of ashley's crew. But um yeah. Ideally a good iconic alliance would be like...me, Gage, Rhea, and Van, but idk if Rhea's willingly to flip AGAIN so soon, so. I'm just gonna hope that I get reunited with Andrew again soon and we can start wrecking the game again. 

I don't know why but I suddenly feel compelled to be a nice person (I know, weird, why would anyone in the PI series want to be nice). So I'm voting Gabriel out of pity and if I get caught I'll just say lol I was splitting the vote for y'all just in case :3c Billy I support being petty but I also have a soul most times!!!! So

EVERYONE IN THIS DAMN GAME IS MAKING ME CRAZY!!! WHAT IS REAL, AND WHAT IS NOT?! I AM SO FRUSTRATED.... TRIBAL BETTER FUCKING GO MY WAY, OR ELSE I AM GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING FIT! 

[briarofthebush]

Holding hands in Unity against Hate, post election 2016., Greenlake.

Lucy the Best.

A brilliant free 20 minutes of Billy Bragg and Joe Henry at KEXP

Sammy! My dog away from home dog. He gives full body hugs.

Artists at Halloween, Mme Morisot, Snr Riviera,

I’m next to the Charles Bul fountain in Brussels.

The famous Mannekin pis.

Bicyclette dans Leuven

Leuven streetscape

M Leuven Museum, full of many religious artifacts.

Giant head from street fairs, Museum M in Leuven, Belgium

June and I, late 2009.

Snow play at the foot of the mountains, Desert Road, NZ

Mel & I, catching up for the 1st time in 2016.

  12/30/2016

Today is like Spring. It is almost warm. I had that feeling in my bones before I even looked outside.

I am ready to embrace some New Year’s Resolutions for myself. I didn’t do so well on some of them last year. I set writing goals I didn’t stick with. I am getting better at NOT beating myself up about everything, and this might make me slack but, I believe the self-acceptance thing is even more important to me.

I had far more adventures than I could find time to write about this year. That doesn’t mean I didn’t think and reflect about them. I still am writing, but I am still adventuring too. I am happy and proud of myself for doing different things. For saying ‘yes’ to Chile and walking up so many hills there. For seeking out Neruda’s Valparaiso house. For flying back at a moment’s notice to help bury my Stepmother June, an awesome and very much missed pillar in my Dad’s family. For having the wisdom and strength to not go back to Australia, just because I was ‘in the neighbourhood’. For going to Belgium at short notice too, and for being brave enough to use my 3 French words. (Wish I’d used more.) I said ‘yes, we’ll be there’ to an invitation to share Thanksgiving at a beautiful holiday house on a Puget Sound Island, meaning constant social interaction and chilling back with new friends. Some of my adventuring was actually quite difficult, not all of it comfortable, and certainly ALL of it was very expensive. I wish I had done even more though.

I gained in confidence and flow in my teaching reading skills in the adult literacy school. I made beautiful new friendships there, solidified others, was challenged and uplifted by my students’ lives and achievements. My paltry 4 hours teaching a week has added up to over 162 hours of face to face teaching and preparation, and I know I am a valued part of the school. This means the world to me. I have been told I ‘add value’ to the whole process of teaching these very special individuals, who are on all points of a journey to bettering their own lives. I cannot think of a more rewarding thing to be doing. I will probably add another teaching session to my week in 2017.

The work I do at the store, (if you can call it ‘work’) is social, and fun and I am still finding the stock has a certain allure- I want to buy a new scarf nearly every week. (I try not to). I get to hang out with really lovely people of all ages, from different walks of life, and find out about them.We all have slightly different reasons for being there, but are united by our concern for the artisans we support.

For both Johnny and I our cohort of friends grew considerably in a short space of time, but remains stable, and we hang out with a group of fun, mature and slightly younger, beer appreciating teachers and ex-teachers. We really love to be able to kick back and relax with these people, who have accommodated us willingly, and drag us along to concerts and baseball games, brewery openings and parties. They give us rides, and ask us to their ‘things’, keep us entertained and stop us from taking ourselves too seriously. We sing karaoke with them, see bands, look at art, eat amazing food, and generally educate each other about our respective cultural quirks. Introducing words like ‘dink’, ‘arvo’ and ‘wobbly’ and such is a bit of a hobby for us, and collecting these Aussie-isms is a hobby of theirs. ‘Humour’ is common language we all seem to share, so laughing is what we do most of the time.

Happy Hours at the Ram have become a weekly ritual, and now that we are bona fide members of the famous ‘Mug Club’ we are enjoying the novelty of drinking cut price beers out of massive pint glasses and trying to pair this beer with sustaining and not hugely fattening food. I’m not sure we can win this struggle, so we try to eat as many vegetables and healthy homemade stuff as we can through the week. We are not always successful. I am finding the traditionally (bad) revered ways of eating here much much more attractive to me as time goes by. We have an exercise bike and try to move about as much as we can, but I have to say, my gold fish bowl existence, looking out at the wintry streets from my very cosy couch is far more preferable at the moment.

I have begun to enjoy binge-watching on the Netflix again, this year a change from dramas and crime; I am finally embracing the meta-narrative that is Gilmore Girls, and I am really loving it. I think it is a very sweet piece of writing, both in its script and in its character development. I am only half-way through the 8 series and I am unsure how I will go on with my life after it finishes.

I am able to divorce the reality of Gilmore Girls from my own reality, don’t worry, not too much anyway.

… 1/5/2017 …Today I am trying to end this pathetic couch-ridden existence I have taken up- nursing a horrible hacking cough (apparently an actual ‘flu’). I have been annoyingly unwell this last month, with a few days respite for the Christmas long weekend, but perhaps I shouldn’t have enjoyed it so much. My immune system is taking a battering.

I’m trying to make marmalade out of a glut of lemons I sliced and froze months ago. It looks awful and isn’t setting, so I am cooking it to death- and then will bottle and leave up in the cupboard, just like I used to at home when my preserves didn’t quite work out. (Which is fairly often.) I did use a recipe though. Sort of. It smells great. I will be sad if I have to turf it.

I have spoken about our fun lifestyle, and I guess it makes sense that my immune system is down, but then I do wear sensible, warm clothing, and I buy good food to eat at home. I take a good multi- B vitamin, I don’t eat much meat. I make soup, full of vegetable, legumes, and lots of goodness. I still struggle to sleep well, but I have gotten myself into good habits with my bedtime routine and am looking after my own needs; it’s not like I am not good at self-care. I am the Queen of self-care. I just have a lousy immune system. I also neglected to get a flu shot this autumn. And I catch public transport.

Anyway, while I have no voice to have actual conversations I am getting in some very nice quiet spells, just watching Netflix and amazon movies. And playing Words with Friends. I am neglecting my creative side yes; I seemed to bottle-neck for a while there, with too many writing projects on the go- so am reverting to this journalling /blog thing to alleviate some of the pressure, while I try to get things get back into some sort of order and focus.

I am now dreaming about the return to the Motherland Australia as I have only a few more months to go before I have to come home for a while. When I get home, I have a huge list of things I need to concern myself with, in order to make sure our life back here in the US can continue and run smoothly. We very definitely like living here, for so many reasons, and will continue for as long as we can.

Don’t get me wrong, I do miss Australia, the continent, the beauty of the beaches and the bush. I can’t wait to get some wet sand between my toes again. I miss a lot of what makes the communal aspects of living in Aus so special- the relaxed lifestyle, the flexibility of routine, the refusal of Australians to become regimented by the establishment. Americans seem to either not notice that they are, or actually like to be organised and told what to do and feel and when to do it, a lot more than Aussies do- and that is fine, there are so many of them, after all. So it’s kind of weird about the whole election thing- when no one was obligated to enroll or vote. Still scratching our heads over that one.

People are just as busy as we are at home, with work and extracurricular activities, but there is a degree of spontaneity I am really relishing here with my American friends that I couldn’t quite attain at home. It may also be a bit of a cop-out but because we aren’t American, we can be a bit more detached about the traditions and cultural aspects that our friends are a part of- we can’t be instantly acculturated with a fervor for pumpkin pie, or Superbowl, for instance. But we’ll turn up and see what it’s all about, sure (with the option of not liking or wanting to participate.)

Our free and easy way of doing our social life is also possibly a lot to do with the fact that we have jumped into a great void of untried experiences with strangers, and were so out of our ‘comfort zones’ it’s shocked us into being a lot more adaptable. I like this new life and the jolts of reality that force us to respond in fresh ways. There wasn’t a good deal of that potential for reinvention back home, and now there is. You can’t even pay for this wonderful way to grow in your personal life. (Although, we actually did pay.)

So my marmalade hasn’t been a total success, and there goes the 6 good jars I’ve been saving for this. My kitchen is even tinier than the one I had at home, and there isn’t a pantry either. However this hasn’t stopped me from trying to cook a lot of food in it, and I guess I am still addicted to saving and preserving. I think may I have a problem. I have a fresh batch of gravlax in my fridge. Too much for us of course, but there was no way I was going to waste that salmon we didn’t use because I felt too ill to cook it.

I think I’m going to need to get some pectin and redo this marmalade and re-sterilise my jars.

Maybe I could make a New Year’s resolution to not undertake preserving and cooking en masse without adhering to a recipe explicitly.

You were a long time coming, 2017 12/30/2016 Today is like Spring. It is almost warm. I had that feeling in my bones before I even looked outside.