#guess how long it took me to draw all those fish

[kandidandi]

feeding time!

[toournextadventure]

hate crime

Summary: No one knows what happened to Ghostface after his initial onslaught on New York City. Unfortunately for the population, he didn't disappear; he just got better.

Word Count: 3.6k Warnings: swearing, Scream violence, suggestive themes Pairing: Tara Carpenter x Reader (movie night & a novel life masterlist)

Rainy nights in New York City were the best. They gave way to those calm nights in the apartment that led to soft evenings and the best sleep of the week. If one was lucky, they would be able to grab a bite at Sofia’s and really live it up. A nice night, movies on the TV, and a half-finished pie on the counter? What else could a girl want?

A date. Cassidy wanted a date. Her boyfriend wasn’t a prick, but he was just stupid enough to not know the basics of a relationship. For instance, it was raining on a Saturday night? You invite your fucking girlfriend over so you can both get fucking laid. It wasn’t fucking rocket science. But no, he just had to watch the game with his fucking friends, and leave her to do absolutely nothing in her empty ass apartment.

Instead, she was alone. All alone, watching some shitty movie while he was probably having the time of his life.

Prick.

Well, at least she had ice cream to accompany her. A delicious pint of raspberry cheesecake. Just one bite was enough to transport her to heaven, and she would argue with anyone who thought otherwise. It had been long enough since Cassidy had put it in the freezer that it was just hard enough to make a nice bite, but not too hard to put up a fight.

It was perfect.

Cassidy’s phone vibrated loudly on the counter when she opened the cutlery drawer. It wasn’t all that unusual to get calls at odd hours; work, school, and friends made sure she kept her phone available at all times. And she answered them. So it was instinctual to pick up the phone and accept the call as she fished out a spoon and closed the drawer.

“I’m not interested,” she said before her friend on the other end could even speak.

“Uh, that’s good,” an unknown voice answered, “because I’m not selling.”

Cassidy’s brows narrowed. “Who is this?” She put the spoon in her mouth as she waited for an answer. A warm spoon was optimal for ice cream.

“A friend of a friend,” the voice said. It was hard to tell if it was a guy or a girl. “They dared me to call.”

“Friend of a friend?” She hummed, thinking about who it could be. “Was it David?”

The person on the other end of the line laughed. “I’m sworn to secrecy.”

“I knew it, that prick,” she sighed. It was no surprise it was David, he would do anything for a cheap laugh. “What do you get out of this shitty prank anyway?”

“Well, it depends,” the voice answered.

Cassidy leaned forward on her counter and smiled to herself. “On what?”

“How long I can keep you on the call,” they said, matching her tone. “Wanna split the $60?”

“Well,” she said, drawing the word out far longer than necessary as she grabbed her pint of ice cream and made her way to the living room. “I guess I can’t turn down $30.”

Cassidy pressed the phone between her cheek and shoulder while she moved. Her hip bumped against the recliner, but it didn’t phase her; she hit it more often than not. As she sat down in the chair, she could hear similar shuffling on the other end of the line. Nothing about it phased her.

“So,” the caller said, drawing out the “o” for far too long. “You doing anything exciting tonight?”

Cassidy chuckled humourlessly. “Yeah, me, myself, and I are really living it up.” She put a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth and left it there as she turned on Scary Movie 5. How exciting.

“Well,” the caller said with a barely hidden laugh, “what are the three of you doing tonight?”

“A Scary Movie marathon.” She took another bite of her ice cream. “Probably for the fifth time this semester.”

“So you like them.”

“Love them,” she answered instantly. “I could watch them all day.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, then what’s your favourite Scary Movie?”

Cassidy looked down at her ice cream and scraped the spoon over the top. That was a pretty good question. The humour in each movie was top tier to her, and that wasn’t negotiable. She couldn’t compare them on that aspect because they all depended on which movies they were making fun of. But there was one movie that stood out from all the rest, she supposed.

“Probably the first one,” she finally said. “It’s a classic.”

“Isn’t that the one based on those Stab movies?”

“That’s the one,” she said with a singular nod that no one could see.

The movie continued to play on the screen.

“Have you ever seen the Stab movies?”

“Fuck no,” Cassidy said before the unknown voice could even finish the question. “Horror movies give me the creeps. Especially when they’re based on real people.” A minuscule shiver wracked her body as if to prove her point.

She heard a deep breath on the other end of the line. “You know, you really should watch the original.” Another breath. “It’s to die for.”

Something about the tone of that last sentence put Cassidy on edge. Perhaps it was simply because she was home alone while the storm continued to rage outside. None of her friends talked like that. Sure, this person was a friend of a friend, but it was still a bit odd.

This person was a bit odd. Was the $30 really worth talking to a weirdo all night? She could be settled with a blanket and paying attention to her movie. But no, she just had to answer the phone and accept a shitty deal. She would need to tell Heather about this whole weird situation later.

“Hey, how much longer until we get that money from David?” Cassidy asked. She couldn’t stop thinking about that last thing the person had said, but she chose to try and ignore it.

“Just a few more minutes,” the caller said in a breathy tone. It was creepy. “Which movie are you watching?”

“What?”

“For your marathon,” they clarified. “Which one?”

“Oh,” she chuckles humourlessly. Nervously.

She wasn’t so sure she wanted to tell the truth anymore. There was an uncomfortable feeling settling in her stomach. She hesitantly placed the half-empty pint of ice cream on the side table, soon accompanied by the spoon she had licked clean.

“The third one,” she finally answered.

“No you’re not.” A lump forced its way into her throat. “That’s the fifth.”

Her entire body was frozen while the words ran laps around her mind. What the hell was going on? Her nerves felt like they were engulfed in fire, leaving her simultaneously too hot and frozen. That wasn’t right. The words didn’t form any proper reason in her mind, but she understood the sinking feeling it left in her chest.

“How do you know which movie I’m watching?” She asked as she slowly stood up from her chair.

A heavy breath. “Because I can see your screen.”

As soon as the words pieced together in her head, Cassidy ran to her balcony window. The curtains were closed. They weren’t the only windows into her apartment, but they were the only ones that faced the TV. As far as she knew, no other window could see her screen; a deliberate furnishing choice on her part.

“Listen,” she said breathlessly as she stared at the closed curtains. “I’ll tell David we talked all night if you want.” There was no response. “You can even keep all the money.”

A taunting laugh.

“I never said I talked to David.”

Shit. Shit shit shit. She knew she should have hung up at first. Who the hell was this freak? It was New York City, there were plenty of freaks around, but this? This was just psychotic. Nobody in their right mind would do this shit!

She quickly tucked the phone between her cheek and shoulder again and grabbed the curtains with both hands-

“-Open it and I’ll slit your fucking throat.”

They wouldn’t. They couldn’t. How would they even get into the apartment? She froze and reconsidered. How else could they have known what was on her TV? God, what was going on? She thought about the ramifications for far too long before letting go of the curtains. They shifted for a few moments before finally settling back into place.

“Who are you?” Cassidy’s voice was weak.

“You assumed our mutual friend was David.” She waited impatiently. “But surely you haven’t forgotten our dear friend Anika.”

Cassidy laughed bitterly. “Are you fucking serious?” She stomped through the apartment to grab the ice cream and dirty spoon. “Did that loser and her freak girlfriend put you up to this?” She practically threw the ice cream back into the freezer. “Because it’s pathetic.”

Of course that freak had caused this. She hadn’t bullied Anika and Mindy for nothing. Cassidy was a patient soul, it was true, but even she had her limits. No one wanted to hear those weirdos talk about stupid movies 24/7, especially when it wasn’t necessary. Didn’t they know there were better, more important things in the world?

“Those are some strong opinions to have,” the caller said over the sound of the spoon hitting Cassidy’s sink. “Especially for someone in your position.”

She rested her hip on the counter. “And what position would that be?”

“You can open your balcony window now, Cassidy.”

The curtains of the balcony were swaying. If she strained her ears, she could hear the rain falling a little louder. Would it be smart to open the curtains and see what was out there? Or maybe she should just hang up, call the police, and let them deal with it. After all, the police had never done anything wrong to her, surely she could trust them.

But she wanted to know. She wanted to know what those freaks had managed to pull off all on their own. Cassidy wouldn’t have called them stupid; at least not Anika. But there was no way she would have said any of them were smart. They were all just a bunch of down on their luck kids who had gotten into Blackmoore out of pity, not intellect.

Whether she had fully intended to or not, she let her feet carry her toward the balcony. As she got closer, she could hear the rain and wind clearly; the balcony window was open behind the curtains.

“How do you know my name?” She asked even though it was a stupid question. If this person was friends with Anika, then that was how they knew.

Still.

“Everyone knows your name.”

She reached out and grabbed the curtain with both hands.

“Or they’re about to.”

Cassidy closed her eyes, threw the curtains open, and screamed. She used every ounce of breath and energy in her body to release the most blood curdling scream she could manage. But when she opened her eyes, the scream died down in her throat.

There was nothing on the balcony. The door was open, but there was nothing there. Not in the doorway, not on the actual balcony, and not across the street. Hell, the only thing she could see was the poor potted plant that she had let die last year and hadn’t thrown out yet.

This was all just some sick joke.

“You know, this is really pathetic,” Cassidy said calmly even though her heart was still pounding in her chest. “I’m calling the cops.”

“Fine, call them.” She grabbed her phone and looked for the “end call” button. “They’ll find out all about your dirty little secret.”

She froze.

“Turn around, Cassidy.”

Her heart was beating loudly in her ears. Mixed with the rain and wind coming in through the open balcony window that she couldn’t bring herself to close, it was deafening. She didn’t want to turn around. She didn’t want to see what could possibly be hiding behind her. It could all be some cruel joke and the apartment could be empty.

Or not.

She took a few short, quick breaths and braced herself before finally turning around quickly, nearly tripping over her own feet. There, in the middle of her apartment, was Heather. Heather, the best fuck she’d ever had, tied up in the chair like a piece of meat. There was a gash on her head that was dripping blood into her eyes, but aside from that there weren’t any other physical injuries.

“Heather?” Cassidy said in disbelief.

“Please help me,” Heather cried. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

Cassidy dropped the phone without hanging up. She didn’t care anymore. All of this had gone too far. Those creeps had crossed too many lines. Messing with her? Fine. It was pathetic, but fine. But finding her secret hookup? Didn’t they know she had a reputation? What would her boyfriend think if he found out? Actually, he would probably think it was hot. Maybe that was worse.

“Did Anika do this to you?” She asked as she attempted to untie the knots in the rope. It was probably the first time in her life she had ever regretted having acrylics.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Heather said with a sniffle. A drop of blood fell onto the rope. “Her and her geek friends are obsessed with this shit.”

“We’ll call the cops later,” Cassidy said. “I’m tired of their freaky, “poor us” bullshit.”

The ropes weren’t budging, and her fingers were feeling raw. How had they managed to do such a thorough job so quickly? Perhaps because, like she had known from the very beginning, they were all a bunch of freaks. A bunch of freaks who had no lives, no real friends, and no chance of living like normal people. She smirked to herself. They’d have one hell of a time getting any sort of job after college if she had anything to say about it-

-the floor creaked.

Cassidy’s fingers froze. There was only one place in her apartment that the floor creaked. And it wasn’t underneath her or Heather. She looked up slowly. First she saw Heather, sitting there impatiently and waiting for her to get her out. Then the gash on Heather’s face.

Then the cloaked figure standing behind her.

Then the Ghostface mask shrouded in a black hood.

The Ghostface tilted his head at her. She couldn’t move. It felt like the air had frozen in her lungs. She just had to kneel there and watch as he lifted a gloved hand with a giant knife and waved at her with two fingers. The knife was huge. His free hand lifted just as slowly and pushed the mask back inch by inch until she could see the bottom of his face.

The smile was accentuated by the deep scars stretching across both cheeks.

Cassidy opened her mouth to scream before something came from behind her and pressed against her throat.

She never made a sound.

—---

The pool of blood slowly inched across the tarp that had been carefully arranged underneath the two college girls. It was wide enough to catch any accidental splatter, yet thick enough to keep it from spilling out. A wise purchase for a wise killer. Or two.

Ghostface stepped forward, standing over the corpses. It wasn’t their proudest moment; there had been a few hitches in the plan. But when the result was the same, well, they supposed it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. They grabbed the mask and yanked it off.

“You jumped the gun,” Tara said breathlessly. The adrenaline was still running through her veins; she had grown to love it.

The second Ghostface removed their mask next.

“I know,” you said with a sigh. “I’m sorry.” You looked down at the corpses of your enemies with glee and disgust. “She’s just such a bitch.”

You both continued to stand there, neither one daring to make the first move. The silence after a kill was one of the more satisfying moments to you. No more screaming, no more steel cutting through flesh. Just the sounds of your breathing and the blood rushing through your ears.

“I didn’t know they were gay,” you finally said. “Or closeted, I guess.”

“I think Mindy said they were experimenting,” Tara speculated. “They both tried to hit on Anika at one point.”

You hummed in response and continued to look at them. Not that you had stopped. That was the one thing you didn’t think you would ever really get used to. Sure, your family business was… a bit risque on its own, but this was different. You would argue with Dicky all day every day, but knife wounds were more gruesome than gunshots.

“Does this make us homophobic?” You asked. “Was this a hate crime?”

“I-” Tara stopped and closed her mouth. It made you feel a little better that she had to think about it too. “No,” she finally said with a slow nod. “We’re doing the world a favour.”

You smiled. “God, I love you.”

“Love me while we clean up,” she demanded even though you saw her smile. “Get moving.”

The cleanup process, all of you agreed, was the worst part. It was methodical, time consuming, and boring. You would much rather spend the time with Tara, not cleaning up after the two bitches that bullied all of you like you were still in fucking highschool. Truly, it was almost embarrassing for them. You didn’t want to clean up after their mess again.

But you liked the time you got with Tara. Since the whole original Ghostface debacle, she had lightened up. She still bullied you, but honestly? It was a turn on. You wouldn’t dare tell her to stop. If there ever came a day that you didn’t want Tara Carpenter to bully you? It would be the end of the world.

Cleaning up with Sam, however, was a beast.

That’s why you stuck with Tara. Not just because you loved her, of course, but it was a wonderful bonding activity. You hadn’t wanted to bring her into the family business because, well, that was just dangerous. But this? It was nice. And honestly? It got the both of yours adrenaline going and usually led to some of the best date nights.

…

Maybe you both needed more therapy.

“The scary movie question was clever,” you said after you had finally managed to haul the tarp - and the corpses - to the trash chute.

“Thank you,” Tara said with a genuine smile. “I’m pretty proud of it.”

“You should be,” you encouraged. “I thought Cassidy was gonna hear me laughing.”

“You would’ve been sleeping on the couch,” Tara replied. She was serious, but you knew the truth; she would’ve slept on the couch with you.

The next stage of cleaning was far easier on the back. It was basic cleaning, to make the apartment look lived in, but not abandoned. And certainly not like a murder had occurred. Or, you supposed it was a double murder. God, you still couldn’t get over how much of a bitch Cassidy and Heather were. You really did feel a million pounds lighter now that they were gone.

“You know,” you said as you rested your hip on the counter while Tara made sure no fingerprints were anywhere. “Blood looks really good on you.”

“Shut up,” she said quickly. You still saw the blush on her cheeks.

You weren’t lying though. The dark, now-dried blood was a wonderful match to her eyes. It also looked lovely on her skin. You couldn’t really explain what it was; maybe it was the taboo of it all (you definitely needed more therapy). Whatever it was, it was almost like she was glowing.

Maybe you were just in love.

Tara was still checking the kitchen counter when you stepped up behind her and wrapped your arms around her waist. Her body seemed to relax in your arms. Like instinct, she leaned back into you and you could hold her closer. You were like two pieces to the same puzzle; your bodies fit perfectly together.

“It’s kinda hot,” you said before placing a kiss on her cheek. She tasted faintly of copper.

“You’re just deranged,” she said softly.

“Only for you,” you said. Your next kiss was placed on her jaw.

“We can’t do this here,” she said with a sigh. “We’re almost done.”

“We haven’t cleaned the bedroom yet,” you offered. “And I’ve got another tarp in my bag.”

She didn’t argue.

“Think of it as an extra “fuck you” to Cassidy,” you continued. “We both know how much you hated her.”

Your arm pulled her tighter against you as you placed a third kiss right behind her ear. Just going off her silence alone, you knew she would cave. Tara did her best to keep things professional on the scene, but you knew how to win her over. And you knew how much she loved it.

“Okay,” she finally said. Whether she was aware of it or not, her head tilted to give you more access to her neck. “But only a quickie.”

“Seeing you like this?” You said as you bent down and swept an arm under her knees. She shrieked lightly before wrapping her arms around your neck. “I don’t think I could last very long anyway.”

You carried her to your bag and bent down so she could grab it before heading directly to the bedroom.

In the background, the credits of Scary Movie 5 rolled on the TV.

[strwbrrymlkjh]

alhaitham x gn!reader

entering a romantic relationship with alhaitham the scribe was one thing but expecting, hoping, to maintain that kind of relationship with alhaitham the acting grand sage was another. or alhaitham asks for another chance.

!!!: texts in italics are flashbacks. POV changes. angst, neglected reader, lack of communication, mention of alcohol consumption, inaccurate lore, i have no idea what alhaitham does as the acting grand sage, maybe ooc, open-ended, not proofread

wc: 2.2k

AO3

An unmistakable mop of silver hair greets you as you make your way through the hallway of your tenement. Sensing your presence, the figure turned his head to your direction and locked eyes with you. The intensity behind those familiar green eyes instantly rooted you to your spot. One look at his face was enough to bring back the painful memories you tried so hard to bury for the past month.

°

Entering a romantic relationship with Alhaitham the Scribe was one thing but expecting, hoping, to maintain that kind of relationship with Alhaitham the Acting Grand Sage was another.

Ever since his reluctant acceptance of the position of Acting Grand Sage, you rarely saw your boyfriend at home. In fact, you barely see him at all. You understand that he was preoccupied with rebuilding Sumeru and the Akademiya, yet you cannot help but miss his presence; the slow mornings where he would enjoy the cup of coffee you prepared for him, the peaceful afternoons that you would spend together reading in your living room, the dinners filled with pleasant conversations as you recounted your day. You miss him.

The sound of your front door closing jolted you awake from your nap. Sitting up from your spot on the couch, you greeted your boyfriend who just arrived home.

“Alhaitham. Welcome home.”

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?”

“I was reading, actually. I just closed my eyes for a second, and then dozed off, I guess.” You responded, chuckling weakly.

“I recall telling you not to wait for me.”

“I know, but -” I miss you. You cannot bring yourself to tell him. He was already burdened enough as is, and the last thing you would want to do is to add to his worries.

He sighed and offered his hand for you to take. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

°

“Haitham, are you free tomorrow? It’s been a while since we visited the Grand Bazaar."

“I apologize Y/N, but I cannot come with you. I still have to review these research projects in need of funding.” He gestured to the thick bundle of papers that littered his desk.

You offered him a smile. “Alright. We can always do it next weekend.”

°

“I think I can make it in time for dinner tonight.” Is what he said.

You have no idea how long you sat in your dining room waiting for him. The food you prepared was now sitting cold at the table. Glancing at the clock, you felt a sad smile tug at your lips. Another missed dinner. You let out a heavy sigh as you started clearing away the plates you carefully arranged hours ago.

Alhaitham is a very busy man, and with everything that’s going on in the Akademiya, you knew better than to ask him to do things you used to do together.

At this point, the growing list of broken promises were too many to count.

Soon enough, all the pleasant dinners turned into late night meals eaten alone and the once warm bed became your only witness of the cold nights and the silent mornings you endured on your own.

°

After what felt like an eternity of staring at each other, he took a cautious step towards you.

“Y/N.”

Pretending you didn’t hear him, you bit the inside of your cheek and fished for your apartment keys inside your bag.

Once again, you hear Alhaitham call out your name.

You are certain that if you bite any harder, you would draw blood, but it was the only way to keep your barely composed façade from cracking.

A warm hand held your wrist as you were about to unlock the door. Startled, you pulled away as if burned. You rubbed the area, a nervous habit.

Even at a distance, you wouldn’t miss how the light left Alhaitham's eyes after seeing your reaction to his touch. The apology was at the tip of your tongue - you did not mean to pull away, you were just surprised, you wanted to tell him.

Your gaze traveled from his crestfallen face to his disheveled hair, sunken cheeks and the out-of-place cape. Looking at him now, you are certain that nobody would be able to tell that the man before you is the intimidating Acting Grand Sage of the Akademiya.

Despite yourself, you wanted to reach out and touch his face, card your fingers through his hair, wipe the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. You clenched your fist at your side to stop yourself.

A month ago, you left your shared apartment with a promise not to get pulled by his gravity again. You feel your resolve falter now that you’re in his orbit.

Green eyes met yours once more and you felt your cheeks heat up. You averted your gaze and headed for your apartment door.

“Wait, Y/N. Please. Can I talk to you? Ten minutes. No. Five. Five minutes is enough. Please, I just need to tell you something.”

You stopped in your tracks. The desperation that laced his voice reminded you of the moments when you had to fight for even a minute of his time.

°

“It was one date Y/N.” Alhaitham reasons out. “Do not make it a huge deal.”

You turned to him, a look of indignation on your face. “One date? It’s our anniversary Alhaitham. Is it really too much to ask for one dinner with you?” You exclaimed. “I looked like a fool. No, I felt like a fool waiting for you to show up. You did not even think about telling me that you couldn’t make it.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose before turning to you. “I apologize, but you are well aware that I have more pressing matters to attend to at the Akademiya.”

You did not think that your heart could break any further. You have known it for a while now; his duty always comes first.

°

Alhaitham knew that he did not have the right to be here and his presence was likely to hurt you. It was nothing new, he thought grimly. It seems that that was all he has ever done these past few months - cause you pain.

He unintentionally drove you away and now he was here, consumed by regrets yet filled with determination to do better. That is, if you give him a chance to do so.

It seems the odds are against him as he watches you rub the wrist he touched. It was one of your nervous habits. It could also be that you were trying to erase the lingering feeling of his skin making contact with yours, a voice whispered in his head.

You stood unmoving after he practically pleaded you to hear him out and it was enough to give him a sliver of hope.

He cleared his throat. “Have you been well?”

“You came here to ask me that?” You responded, the disbelief evident in your tone.

“No. I mean -” He closed his eyes tightly, willing his headache to go away. The lack of sleep was getting to him. This was not how he wanted this to go.

Gathering the will to speak again, he continued, “You weren’t answering my letters and I simply wish to know how you have been faring.”

No, these were half-truth, excuses. If he really wanted to earn another chance, he should start with being honest with you, with himself. So, he said, “I am sorry. I wanted to see you. I missed you, Y/N.”

The silence that followed his statement was deafening. He watched you study his face before he heard you ask, “Are you drunk?”

“I did have a couple of glasses at the tavern, yes. But I assure you, I am completely aware of what I am doing at this moment.” He answered honestly. “I am the worst, aren't I? I do not even have the courage to face you sober.” He bowed his head, a weak smile tugged at his lips. “Sorry, I’m just - I really am sorry.”

“Is that the reason why you’re here? To share your newfound drinking habits?” You responded coldly.

“No, I do have my reason.” He raised his head to look at you behind his blurry eyes and the sight took his breath away. “But … were you … were you always this beautiful?” He blurted out before he could stop himself. Though, it was not the alcohol speaking. It was the truth. The sun was setting behind you and it bathed you in its glow, casting a halo around your head.

He felt himself struggle for a silent breath as he took his time taking you in. “You are so beautiful, my love." The term of endearment hangs between the both of you.

You shook your head. “You’re drunk, Alhaitham.”

“I’m not.” He insisted. “I’m not. It’s just … I can’t believe I hurt someone this beautiful so deeply.” And in a quieter voice, as if talking to himself, he whispered, “I’m such a fool.”

He knows he cannot win you back like this; not with flowery words and praises of your beauty. Still, he wanted to tell you that and many other things he was not able to.

Panic welled up inside him as you shook your head and unlocked your door. Chasing after you, he had half the mind to hug you from behind to stop you from leaving. But he knew he shouldn't push his luck right now, if your reaction earlier is anything to go by.

"Y/N, please."

You turned to him. "Then, enough with the nonsense Alhaitham. Just say what you have to say and leave." Your tone was calm but he heard the slight tremble in your voice. Even now, he was hurting you without meaning to.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he said, "What I wanted to say is that I am sorry. I know I have countless things to apologize for and I … I cannot express how sorry I am. The word 'sorry' is not good enough." He looked down, ashamed of himself, a Haravatat scholar not having the right words to convey his intentions.

He wanted so badly to tell you how much he regrets taking you for granted and to let you know that since you left, all he could think about is you. Even when he somehow manages to stop doing so, everything he looks at seems to hold a piece of you and you invade his thoughts once more, as if you never left in the first place.

Your favorite mug sitting untouched in the kitchen cupboard reminds him of the coffees you used to make for him. The books gathering dust at his study bring back memories from when you would sit beside him, warm body pressed against his as you read your own books. The bed which was too big for one person makes him think about how lonely you must have been, spending those cold nights and silent mornings alone.

He lays awake at night in that same bed, haunted by the defeated look in your eyes the day you decided to end your relationship, or what's left of it. You were tired of fighting for a place in his life, you said.

The logical part of him argued that you were both better off this way. As long as he was the Acting Grand Sage, he knows that he cannot be the man you need, the man you deserve.

But here he was, hoping that you would still have him, because there's no one else for him but you.

"I - I am so sorry." He has no idea how many times he has uttered that word now. "For taking you for granted, for not fighting for you, for letting you go so easily. Y/N, I love you so much. I don't think it's possible for me to love anybody else." He confessed.

His hands itched to wipe the tears that streamed down your face. Gauging your reaction, he took a tentative step forward. "I know that I have no right to ask this from you, but Y/N … can you let me stay by your side again?"

°

Your heart was racing, everything around you was spinning. Contradicting thoughts were swimming inside your head - you wanted to say yes because you still love him, but at the same time, you wanted to push him away because you're afraid of getting hurt again.

You did not notice the tears freely cascading down your face until a hand wiped them away. Looking up at him, you said, “I don’t know Alhaitham. With the way things are between us …” You trailed off.

He reached for your trembling hand and brought it to his lips. “I never stopped loving you, even if my actions made you think otherwise. Let me prove it to you.”

Seconds pass without any response from you, Alhaitham speaks again, "You do not have to give me an answer now. Take all the time you need. I can wait." His grip on your hand tightened before letting go. “You should go inside now. It’s getting late.”

You nodded absentmindedly. He took a step back and you instantly missed the warmth that his body has to offer. You stepped inside your apartment, but for some reason, you cannot close the door while he is still there.

“Thank you for hearing me out. I meant every word I said, Y/N. I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.”

thank you so much for reading! comments, reblogs and likes are appreciated ♡♡♡

[archangeldyke-all]

Did someone say cowboy Sevika?

Absolutely delicious, I have thoughts.

Theres the classic off limits farmer’s daughter dynamic, which is to die for every time, but I thought what about a farmer’s widow? All lonesome on her big empty property, she hires Sevika for some extra help and then the tension is off the charts!! I think it would be ideal for a long, slow burn style fic. Draw it out, make them drool over each other for a bit til they can’t take it anymore

For a blurb idea what about Cowboy Sevika teaching the reader to ride a horse? It could be cute and flirty or it could get nasty lol whatever you’re in the mood to write!

Also let’s take a moment to imagine her tying those fancy cowboy knots. Rope steady in her big rough hands. She’s stripped down to her used to be white tank top, you can see her muscles flexing while she pulls it taught. She’d be all sweaty and you innocently walk over to her, pluck her bandanna out of her pocket, and dab away the droplets on her forehead. You tuck it gently back into the front pocket of her tight, dirt stained jeans and saunter away so sweetly. She’d want to chase you down like a wild animal in heat after that

the last paragraph here made me dizzy. thank u.

ur the second person to request a 'teaching reader how to ride horseback', mars, @sexysapphicshopowner , being the first! so lets do that ;)

part 1 of cowboy sev here, part 2 here!

men and minors dni

you're now the only one in your little mis-matched family who doesn't know how to ride horseback.

sevika's been riding since before she could even properly walk. powder took to it like a fish to water. violet was a little more hesitant, but figured it out in time. and now all three of them are trying to convince you to learn.

you've never needed it. you were born and raised in this town, everything you need is within a mile's walking distance. but, they're insistent.

you've ridden horseback before, clinging onto sevika as she controls shimmer's pace, but you've never been in control of the reigns. it seems scary, being that high up, going that fast, the only person keeping you from going flying off shimmer's back being yourself.

and now, sevika's got you in the stable, grinning at you as you hesitantly look at shimmer. powder and violet have been asleep for hours, exhausted after working in the garden all day with you.

"can we just go for a quick trot with you in front?" you ask, pouting at your wife. she laughs. "just so i can see you do it!" you insist. she rolls her eyes, then lifts you up by the waist, helping you straddle shimmer's back, before hopping up in front of you.

you press your grin against her shoulder, quickly wrapping your arms around her waist. she laughs in front of you, giving shimmer a little tap with her spur, the mare slowly trotting out onto the main street.

"you're such a baby." sevika teases. you pinch her side, watching her wiggle.

"i'm just lucky. got a wife who knows how to ride so i never had to learn." you say. you can't see her smile, but you can tell she's grinning in front of you.

sevika slowly walks shimmer down the main street, picking her pace up to a cantor when you get out of town.

the three of you ride out into the desert, and you tilt your head up to soak in the sight of the stars above, sighing as the wind whips past you.

"you're not even lookin' at what i'm doing." sevika laughs ahead of you. you giggle.

"stars 're so pretty sev. look." you say.

sevika brings shimmer to a stop, tilting her head up to look at the stars with you.

"hm." she says. you squeeze her waist.

"what?" you ask, enjoying the heat of her back pressed against your front.

"they're pretty, i guess. nowhere near 's pretty as you." she says. you grin.

"sap." you say.

it's summer, but this late at night, the desert is chilly. you sneak your cold fingers up under sevika's shirt, watching her jump, then giggling when she elbows you. you don't move your hands. she doesn't ask you to.

for a few minutes, the two of you just stare at the sky, the vast expanse of stars and planets before your eyes.

it's a new moon, and without her shine, all the stars in the galaxy are visible.

shimmer shifts beneath you, and sevika laughs.

"she hates waitin' around." she says. you smile.

"just like you." you say. sevika laughs, nudging shimmer's side, letting her trot around the empty expanse of the desert.

you hook your chin over her shoulder, watching how her hands hold the reins, how she uses them to gently guide shimmer to and fro.

beneath your fingers, you can feel her belly rise and fall with each breath she takes. a smile ticks up at the corner of your mouth, and you turn your head to press a kiss to sevika's neck.

she goes stiff in your arms.

"what're you doin'?" she asks. you smile against her throat.

"'m watchin' you." you say. "learnin' how to ride."

"you don't need any help learning how to ride." sevika says. you laugh at her horrible joke, pinching her waist. she chuckles.

"speaking of..." you start. sevika snorts in front of you.

"yeah, darlin'?" she asks. you nip her neck.

as much as you both love powder and violet, their abrupt entrance into your lives has left your sex life in shambles.

it's not like you're not having sex. it's just that you can't have it like you used to.

when you used to spend any spare moment the two of you had sprawled out in bed, naked and sweaty and kissing, now you gotta keep your romps quick, lest the girls get in trouble while they're unsupervised.

plus, with the nightmares that violet's been having, paired with powder's separation anxiety toward her sister, a majority of your nights as of late have ended with the four of you piled up in your-- used to be-- marital bed.

you've just had to get a little more creative. you and sevika have been doing a whole lot of 'chores' in the stable, trying to avoid shimmer's judgmental eyes as you fuck against the haybales.

and now... out in the desert, with sevika pressed against you and nobody out here beside you, your wife, and the stars... now seems like the perfect opportunity to get creative.

slowly, you inch your hands down sevika's abdomen, taking a moment to admire the firmness of her rippling abs shifting with each step shimmer takes. she chuckles huskily in front of you, and you begin sucking a hickey against her neck.

"insatiable." she says. "'y had me this morning while we were 'pinning the laundry to dry'." you hum.

"want me to stop?" you ask. she laughs out loud, a bright, echoing thing.

"hell no." she says. you grin, and continue trailing your fingers lower, fiddling with the button of her chaps.

shimmer continues her aimless trot, slowing occasionally to munch at spare patches of grass, knowing that you and sevika are in no rush to get anywhere.

when you slide your hand down her pants, she sighs, leaning some of her weight back against your chest. you pepper kisses against the side of her face, trying to give every branch of the scar on her left cheek a solid smooch. she giggles against you, then moans when your fingers start working against her clit.

"you're wet already." you mumble against her. she hums.

"knew this is what you were workin' up to the second you asked me to ride in front first." she says. you chuckle. "i'm never gonna get you to learn to ride, am i?" she asks.

"mmm, maybe someday. don't need it now, though, do i?" you ask. "not when i've got you." you say.

sevika sighs and turns her head to capture your lips in a kiss against hers. you hum against her mouth, nipping her lip as you start rubbing her clit in slow circles.

"fuck." she sighs, turning her neck back around to watch where shimmer's going. "i love you." she whispers. you smile and nip her neck.

"love you too." you say, trailing your free hand up her chest to fondle her breasts.

sevika's tits are sensitive, you've made her cum from your hands and mouth on her chest countless times before. she shudders against you, her back arching as she shoves her chest further against your hand. you snicker, and start to gently fiddle with her nipple.

"fuck-- your hands." she says.

"'s kinda what you're doin' now, baby." you tease. sevika snorts, but it quickly dissolves into a moan as you increase your pace on her clit, sinking your teeth into her neck as you pinch her nipple.

"y-you're horrible." she chastises you for the joke. you giggle against her.

"you close?" you ask. she laughs.

"yeah." she says.

shimmer lets out a sneeze-- clearly disapproving of the activities happening on her back, and you giggle.

"she's sick of us." you say. sevika sighs.

"she, fuck, she's so judgmental." sevika whimpers.

"should be gettin' back soon. 's almost midnight-- violet's gonna have her nightmare soon, we should be there when the girls come lookin' for us.' you say.

"fuck, can we please not talk about the kids while you got your hand on my cunt?" she asks. despite her complaints, sevika tugs on shimmer's reins, turning her back toward town as you work your hand against her.

"y' better hurry up. we're only a few minutes away from town." you say. sevika groans. "need some encouragement?" you whisper against her ear. she shivers, and you smirk.

"shut up." she whispers. you grin, knowing that sevika's 'shut up's tend to mean 'keep talking.' especially in the bedroom.

"you sure? y' don't want me to tell me how much i love you? how perfect you are for me?" you tease. sevika's thigh shakes against shimmer.

"fuck."

"my cowboy. my wife. so strong and handsome, givin' up her life of crime just for me. gotta compensate that kinda sacrifice properly, don't i?" you ask. sevika whines. "fuck, 'n you look so good when you're on shimmer's back. why would i wanna learn to ride when i could just watch you instead, hm?" you ask.

sevika lets go of the reins with one hand to grip onto your arm. you kiss her cheek.

"cum for me, pretty thing. if you're lucky, maybe i'll wake you up before sunrise to help me 'feed the chickens.'" you say. sevika whines, remembering the last time the two of you used that excuse-- you ended up with sevika's tongue inside of you, your back against the coop as she knelt on the shitty ground, clawing at your thighs. "c'mon sev-- give it to me, baby."

sevika cums with a resounding "shit!" shimmer spooks a bit, jumping and bucking beneath you, and you both squeal as you hold on to the mare while she calms down.

sevika's cunt is still fluttering beneath your palm as she pulls on shimmer's reins to bring her back to a walk as the shimmering lights of town become visible ahead. you hum against her, ducking your fingers down to gather her cum from her dripping hole, before pulling your hand out of her pants and popping your fingers in your mouth.

you moan. sevika moans. shimmer grunts, a disgusted little noise.

"fuck." sevika sighs out, her back slumping against your chest. you giggle, removing your hand from her tits to button up her pants, before giving her cunt a little pat over her chaps. she jolts. "hey!" she says, giggling. you grin against her neck, pressing another kiss to the skin beneath your lips.

just before shimmer starts down main street, sevika pulls her to a stop with a "woah, girl."

you're about to ask her what she's doing-- the tavern about two hundred feet away, but sevika answers your question before you can get it out when she turns her head, grabbing your chin with her fingers and smashing your lips together.

you sigh against her mouth, nipping on her tongue when she swipes it against your lips, giggling at the little involuntary twitch of her thigh.

she pulls away with a sigh, looking into your eyes dreamily.

"i love you more than there are stars in the sky, darlin'." she says. you smile against her lips.

"i love you too, my sweet wife." you say, reaching forward to snap shimmer's reins, letting the horse lead the two of you back home. sevika raises an eyebrow at you and you smile. "see, i did learn a little somethin'." you say.

sevika laughs.

"guess i gotta take you out for ridin' lessons every night, huh?" she asks. you grin.

"i wouldn't mind that at all."

taglist!

@lesbeaniegreenie @fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki

[becauseplot]

HEY LOOK AT THIS COOL THING I MADE FOR A CLASS PROJECT LAST SEMESTER THAT I KEEP FORGETTING TO UPLOAD PICTURES OF :D

(Long-ass rambles to follow, feel free to skip down to the additional box pics. Short video of the laser cutter working at the bottom!)

This is a laser-cut wooden box! The parts were designed in SolidWorks, then drawings of those works were converted in Autocad to be uploaded to the laser cutter. I had a lot of fun with the designs, as you can tell :] I took inspo from the little heart-embroidered-thing c!Philza has on his shirt in SAD-ist's design because it incorporates what I like to call the "narrow eyes" of the Hardcore heart without the lines ever breaking, making the design possible for a solid object...

...but I couldn't do all the curvy bits because SolidWorks hates me lmao.

The emeralds are for emduo ofc. I thought about doing a crown or pig mask or a sword for Techno, but I was running out of time for the project, mostly because I spent like way too long trying to make the wings curvy and realistic :( In the end, I went with a more geometric design, which I think I like the most. Also, it's more stable overall. The emeralds are on either side of the box btw.

I might come back to this post and add pics of the SolidWorks parts/drawings themselves if I can find the files.

The box's dimensions (LengthxWidthxHeight) in inches are 4.25x2.75x1.75 ignoring the lid. Here is sharpie for reference.

I added the color to the box design by scribbling in color with sharpies on paper, then sticking that paper on the inside of the box behind the designs. I was originally going to paint the box too but uhhhhhh I got lazy. Also I think I like being able to see the imperfections on the wood more anyway.

Oh!! Also the box currently holds my shinies (earrings)!!

You can see the paper lmao.

One last thing I got out of this project: after the wooden designs are cut out, you can fish the bigger scraps out of the machine, so guess what I made? :)

(Colored it with sharpie ofc.)

And uhhh that's it! Vvv fun to make! SolidWorks is awesome once you learn how to use it. I'm hoping to practice more once I have time (and possibly my own computer that won't melt if I try to run SolidWorks on it.)

Okay here's the vid :] It was longer but it had my voice in it so I had to cut it short, but I think it's enough for you to get the idea.

[krysmcscience]

Get ready for Amogus Spam!!!

Characters belong to @crinklytinfoil - I just came up with the designs and outfits~ All appearance details are taken directly from either the fics themselves (which, as always, approach with caution and MIND THE TAGS) or the comments sections of said fics, though I have also relentlessly poked Crinkle IRL for additional details, such as each character's name and individual fashion sense...or lack thereof (Finnegan) XD

(If you want to read the fics, keep in mind that you will need to be signed in to an Ao3 account first! And again - MIND THE TAGS! Shit gets dark FAST.)

The Skeld bois! The fucked up crew that started it all~ Only like five actual decent human beings on this crew, and all but one of them fukken DIED, lmao. (Congrats on surviving, Devon, you used to be Kind Of An Asshole but you got better. XD) Clark is such an Obvious Dad - it's why he had to die first, he was the only thing keeping shit together, True Facts, sorry you had to find out this way. <:/ Adam is so Fishing, I bet he fantasizes about having a trout boyfriend girlfriend in his spare time. :) Brown is Babby (stabby-babby), but we all knew that already. And then there's wannabe High Class Fuckboi Purple and his emo "boyfriend", yaaaay, can't wait to find out how Purple dies or anything like that, noooo... All that aside, White's outfit makes me want to die inside, why would anyone want to mix hippie and ouji lolita aesthetics??? White, please, no, even your fashion sense is torturous! D:>

(Full-size here, in case tumblr fucks it up)

Corpatch babbies! Everyone on this crew is certified Babby. (Yes, even you, Skylar. Sorry I had to separate you from Pink in the final image, it was too wide and I hated it, please I'm sorry, put the wrench away-) Love that I got to mostly copy-pasta Devon, made my life so much easier after the artistic nightmare that was Stacy's outfit. Fun Fact: That dress is one of over a hundred jellyfish-themed lolita dresses I've designed! This one has a box jellyfish on it, along with other pretty deadly sea creatures, and is called 'Killer Cuties'~ Wilhelm gets to have some matchies with his platonic girlfriend as a treat, also (Fun Fact: he absolutely wears those novelty glasses to Serious Events). Skye's outfit upsets me personally but it's not as bad as fucking Finnegan's so they get a pass. Pink is, of course, The Best One, and let it be known that the little leaf pin is a reference to Bay~

(Full-size here, in case tumblr fucks it up)

Doncaster folks! Such a long image...I blame Vance. Because I always blame things on Vance for some reason. It's just fun, okay? And also I'm bitter about how long it took to draw his damn Bobblehead mech. Him and Aurora both took what felt like a million years to finish, so now Vance has given me additional Drawing Wires trauma, and Aurora somehow seems Too Expensive for me to afford looking at her. Obviously the best part of all of this was everyone's favorite polycule of Brown, Green, and Red (I dare you to suggest they are not Precious), but I also enjoyed trying to come up with an outfit for Umber that screamed 'I think I'm the main character'. XD (If anyone can guess what's supposed to be on Black's shirt, meanwhile, they get a Gold Star!)

(Full-size here, in case tumblr fucks it up)

And, as a bonus, a goofy scribble comic of the Doncaster AU, which I threw at Crinkle after initially requesting (read: attempting to commission) a What If Scenario where Brown never got brought along with White to the Corpatch, and so never met Pink, thus ensuring Brown remained Terrified of impostors. Because my brain wouldn't stop going hog wild over the concept for some reason. 8|

Finally, a WIP of the Parmenides bastards- uh, I mean, Totally Normal Crew of Fine Individuals who are Not At All Terrible. (Apologies to Danni, Marek, and Ashley for getting mixed up in all this, y'all deserved better.) Bet no one was expecting Johnny to be a certified Gamer Catboi, huh? But I bet everyone was expecting Kyle to look like a Born Republican, and possibly Mitch McConnell's estranged half-brother - cuz that's just how the guy is. So Delightful. Also I was totally not salty about having to look at Purple's stupid smug face again while modifying the copypasta of it, No Sir, why would that ever be the case? He's just so great and not the most hateable character ever or anything. (eyerolling intensifies) In other news, Kage's head is way too small and it's driving me crazy but I'll have to fix it later for the finished full-body chibi+bust piece and I'm D Y I N G. Anyway, no icon spoilers for this one - the fic itself is meant to make the readers wonder who the impostors are, so I'm not going to reveal anything on that front.

(Full-size here, in case tumblr fucks it up)

THAT IS ALL

[oddyssey77]

The Festival Part 3 - Annabeth

POV Annabeth Chase

I am fuming. How can he still take her side after all of these years. I have spent so long trying to rebuild my relationship with him and he still chooses his gold digger wife over me. I lie down by the creek questioning whether or not I should return to the camp or not. I wish I had never reentered my mortal family's life. It would've be so much easier that way. It would've meant a lot less pain.

"You know, it's hard for him as well," I hear a voice telling me, "He never sees you and when he does she holds him back."

"He should leave her then." I tell the person behind me. 

"But why would he do that to himself? Why should he leave her, when you are the one who left him." It was Reyna speaking.

"She was seven years old!" another voice states. I turn my head and see Thalia and Reyna bickering over me.

"She still left, and that would've broken him. No matter how justified it was."

"Reyna's right Thalia, I did leave. I took his seven year old girl, his whole world, away from him. It's fair enough that he should care more about his wife than the girl who disappeared for five years and broke his heart."

"Annabeth, you were struggling with yourself, it's okay that you got scared." Thalia put her hand on my shoulder comfortingly.

"I know it's okay. And I don't blame him either. Or her. These things take time and it's allowed to suck for that time. If it's alright with you guys, I think I need some time alone."

"Okay, come back when you can." Reyna pats me on the back and turns to leave. Thalia shifts me a smile and walks away with Reyna. They get smaller and smaller as they get further away. I can see that they have already found something else to argue about because Reyna is making angry hand gestures and Thalia's mouth is opening and shutting like mad. I turn away letting myself forget about the world

I breath in the sweet, salty air of Long Island Sound. It reminded me of Percy. I stare down at the sea and notice something. The waves look like they are acting up. They aren't flowing as calmly as they were before. In fact, they were crashing violently against the rocks. I got a flashback to when the Manticore captured Percy and the river began to flow rapidly. I stand up, worried that Percy might be in trouble. 

They stop. The waves stop moving almost completely. They slowly thread their way toward the shore. A fish reaches the surface. Then another one, then a third, and a fourth. I notice how the fish aren't moving. They are dead. I turn and run toward the camp. Percy was in trouble, I knew he was. 

I dash through the woods, trying to guess what was happening. I was running so fast that I almost didn't notice the small body lying motionless on the soil. It was a boy lying face down with three arrows in him, one in the small of his back. I remember Percy's weak spot and get worried for a minute before noticing that this isn't Percy. This is someone who I know well. A tear finds its way down my cheek, as I realise that I am staring down at Malcolm Pace, my best friend from the Athena cabin. He weakly draws his eyes to me.

"No, No, No," I choke, "Not you Malcolm. Why you?"

"It's okay, I can be with Lee now." I cry desperately trying to see if I can save him. 

"Please Malcolm," I beg

"I see him now." His eyes lose focus, his hand loses grip, his neck loses pulse. He was talking about his long-dead boyfriend, Lee Fletcher who died when Luke's army attacked the camp a few years ago. I feel my insides collapse. How could I have let this happen. I should've been there. I shouldn't have left. 

My mind shifts from Malcolm and I realise that those arrows didn't just appear in his back. The camp was under attack. It had to be. I run further toward the camp and hear the clashing of swords, the yells of war, the sounds of battle. I charge toward the cabins and begin to see the huntresses fighting a horde of stone warriors. Not like Medusa stone, more like warriors equipped with stone armour. You can even see their pale grey eyes flashing with all kinds of emotion. The longer I look at them, the more I feel that there is something off about them 

The huntresses are struggling to fend them off. I look around but Artemis is nowhere to be seen. I see Thalia struggling as she backs up into Reyna who is fighting alongside the 12th Legion Fulminata. I look around for Percy but I can't see him anywhere. I dash toward the Athena cabin to grab my knife and shield.

I burst the door open and rush toward my bed. I reach under the pillow and snatch my knife. I shuffle underneath the bed to find my shield but I can't find it. I give up looking and head toward the exit of the cabin ready to join the fight. I pass Malcolm's bunk and feel my heart swell. I place that aside and burst out into the courtyard. I see Will Solace and Leo Valdez fighting for their lives. 

"Annabeth!" Will calls to me. 

"Where is Percy!" I yell back.

"He was over that way with Nico a minute ago," Leo shouts gesturing toward the Hades cabin. "I think he got hurt," I say nothing else and try and make it to Cabin 13 which was on the other end of the courtyard. I fail. I am flanked by a stone fighter. I stab him deep in the neck which was about the only spot that wasn't protected by armour. He chokes and falls to the ground. I look into his eyes as purple, rotten blood spills from his neck. I feel bad for him. That has never happened before. Never have I felt guilty for killing anything that attacked me. It was like I could relate to him somehow.

I forget about it and move on as I get attacked by more warriors. I kill each one, getting more beat up each time though. I still felt that shred of guilt with each of them like I did with the first one. I look across the yard and see Clarisse dashing toward me. 

"Where have you been!" she growls at me. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't know we were under attack," I reply but she isn't focusing on me anymore. She is staring in the direction of Cabin 10 where Drew Tanaka was fighting a stone warrior. But Clarisse wasn't looking at drew. She was focusing on the stone warrior as if trying to decipher something about them. The stone fighter had a feminine appearance and was fighting sloppily with a sword but not as sloppily as Drew. She stabs Drew in the abdomen. Drew falls to the ground motionless. Clarisse's eyes flood with both shock and fear

"That's, it's she's..." There are tears poring down her face. I know it isn't Drew's death that had scared her. it was something else, something about the stone fighter. She is about to say a name but is interrupted when she is snatched up by a huge stone warrior with massive hands. She gasps once more, with a look of complete terror on her. She looks into his eyes and looks like she is about to faint. This isn't like Clarisse. Clarisse doesn't get scared. Clarisse usually fights back. I try and fight for her but I am shot in the arm by a warrior with a bow and arrow.

"How are you..." Clarisse utters but he didn't seem interested in answering her question because at that moment, it hurled her across the yard and into a tree. Her head strikes it first. She must be dead. No demigod could've survived that at least that's what I thought. 

Her boyfriend, Chris Rodriguez, rushes across the battlefield to come to her aid. He looks so scared. I want to go and help her but the big one goes for me next. It goes to punch me but I dodge and leap onto it's flying fist. I am so enraged I wanted to curl into a ball and explode. 

"You killed Clarisse!" I yell at it. A few campers turn their heads noticing what happened to Clarisse, their greatest fighter, "I'LL KILL YOU!" I climb across it's back and tear some of the stone plating off it's back I stab it repeatedly and this time, feel no remorse. I feel like I recognize the singed tunic underneath the armour. It falls to the ground, dead. My eyes dart around the conflict looking for the spot where Clarisse had been thrown. I see Chris cradling her carefully. He looks up at me with a glimmer of hope. Somehow she had survived.

I feel a wave of relief wash over me. It is short lived however because I hear an explosion. The big house had been reduced to rubble and marching out of it was a pale demigod with an eyepatch. It was someone who had died a long time ago. Someone who couldn't be there. It was Ethan Nakamura, son of Nemesis. I remember how he had helped us in the final battle against Kronos and I don't understand why he isn't fighting with us. 

I then notice, to my right, Percy. He is unconscious and is being dragged out of the line of fire by Nico. I want to go and help. But all of my other friends were dying by the second out here. I make the decision to stand my ground and continue helping everyone else

Ethan is charging through the crowd slaying demigods, satyrs, huntresses and nature spirits as he went. The sword he is holding is unusual it is long and glowing a sky blue colour. He yells something in Latin with his sword raised toward the sky. Everyone looked to him, including the stone warriors. The Roman demigods, Hazel Levesque looks shocked as she must recognize Latin.

He plunges his sword deep into the ground and glowing cracks open up and start expanding rapidly. I see Leo fighting alongside Hazel and I see them sink into the ground as one of the cracks had enveloped them. I hear Leo's struggled yells as he falls deep into the crevasse with Hazel trying to slow their decent by sticking her sword into the side of the hole. But it is useless. The crack closes taking them with it. I begin to run. There is another crack heading straight toward me. 

I trip on a tree root, twisting my ankle. I try and get up but I simply can't I see a crack close up where Clarisse and Chris had been. I turn and see one heading right for the Hades cabin which was where Nico had taken Percy. I feel a hand pick me up and start helping me away from the only remaining crack in the ground which was hurtling toward us. But something else appears ahead of us, Ethan Nakamura with his sword drawn begins charging at us. We are now sandwiched between the one-eyed demigod and the crevasse trying to eat us.

I feel the ground give way beneath me. Will yells as we fall through the ground, the sky getting further and further away until the crack closes itself off. All I see is darkness. Will holds me tight. But I am not too scared. I've fallen into worse holes than this.  A few seconds later, I black out.

This chapter is dedicated to Julie

[pbandjesse]

The coughing continues. Thankfully I was able to sleep easier but the Mucinex I took made me wake up with gummy eye balls and it was terrifying and horrible. And every time I moved I would start coughing again anyway. So was it worth waking up with very gummy and very red eyes? No. But at least I got some sleep.

James left for work long before I got up. I had planned on sleeping until 930 but my coughing woke me up around 830. And after washing the junk from my eyes I would just lay in bed and scroll on my phone until I couldnt take the coughing anymore. The coughing is a lot worse when I'm laying down.

I got up and got dressed. I took my time trying to make myself feel better. Even wore the new sparkling eyeliner stick I got. And it helped. I felt a lot better even if it wasn't perfect.

I made an omelette for breakfast. I think the pan was maybe to hot because the eggs did not spread. But I put cheese in it and had Sriracha mayo and avocado with itbsnd it was honestly great.

I would do a little more organizing. Pulled all my materials for my workshop. And went to take the box to the car.

I could not have chosen a better time so do this. As I was walking to the car a neighbor I hadn't met was walking there dog. Around me and James's age. And then another. Neighbor came out and these to neighbors started talking and as I walked back they introduced themselves. They had also just met.

The first neighbor is Ryan and his dog I believe is named Lenny or Lemmy. Unsure. But he seems great and lives right across from our house with a partner. The other neighbor is Sean (guessing at the spelling), and he is Victoria's boyfriend! And he let us know that she's pregnant! Ah! And due soon! I guess I just through her winter coat was big!

I ended up standing outside with these guys for a half hour talking and it was just awesome. What nice people. I got to learn some stuff about characters in the neighborhood and their back stories. Ryan has an art and music teaching background but works in content creation for an AR company now, and Sean, who I didn't catch what he does, but his mom was an art conservator for the national gallery! Incredible.

I'm literally pleased how nice everyone has been. I hope that trend continues.

I headed back inside and grabbed a few things and then I was off to my workshop. I was nervous! But the nerves were not needed.

Because almost no one showed up. I don't know why this program seems to have this problem. People sign up! But they don't follow through. But it wasn't completely a no show.

I best Michael there. But waited by the door sitting in my wagon with all my materials. And he brought his dog! A mini Australian shepherd named Quin. Who was a bundle of energy but was so lovely.

The space we were working in was very very hot. But it it was fine. It would cool down. Me and Michael covered the tables with trashcan and I set everything up.

And then my one family came. They had come to my workshops before, and I specifically remember the dad from the Lego printmaking class because he made a helicopter. And they were really sweet.

We started at 1230 and I talked about the flamingo, the history of plastics, and how those things relate. Especially through plastic flamingos and acrylic paint. We went through the steps for drawing it out and encouraged them to make changes from my original example.

Michael would do a painting to. Though he left his half finished so his girlfriend could do the other half which I thought was sweet. But I'm besides jumping in to give some techniques and technical advice, it was mostly quiet working.

I made a new painting and I thought it was really funny seeing my simple example vs my new more textured piece. But it was even better seeing what everyone else did. The whole family all did two tones flamingos. The mom did a sunset. The dad added frogs and fish. And the daughter painted very tiny hermit crabs. It was so fun.

We finished up around 230. We cleaned up together and I after giving them my website and letting them know I would have another nat guard workshop soon! I hope they join.

I was down in Towson so I decided to go to the goodwill right there before getting a late lunch.

It was a good stop. I got this very cool corner cabinet for my table top. And it needed a little fixing but I had a vision. I had a nice conversation with the cashier and then I was off.

I went to Chipotle but the line was very long. It was like all the staff changed at the same time. But it was fine. I listened to my podcast. And once I got my food I felt a lot better.

I had plenty to save and brought that home for lunch tomorrow.

I walked to the five below and got a couple little blind bags. And some candy. And a little black romer. And then it was time to go home.

When I got back here I was a little tired.

I got changed and worked on my drawing for the day. I went and cleaned up the small room. And then James was home. I was so happy to see them.

They had been planning on playing a game with friends tonight but that got canceled so instead they would make a run to the apartment. Get my mirrors and and few other things.

And while they were gone I worked on creating a rainbow on the small rooms window out of cellophane. Which took a while to cut out but I'm really pleased with it and it even casts a beautiful rainbow on the wall from the alley lights.

James came back and brought Sweetp to the bedroom so they could unload the car. And then we would work on fixing the curtains that didn't go well yesterday. And they look so much better. We swapped the swing out rods for a regular rod and that seems like the better move for now. The swing outs may be used in our bedroom but we will see what happens.

While James was hanging the curtain I worked on putting fake stained glass on the corner cabinet I got. I also added a little handle where it's had gone missing. And I put that on my desk and it's perfect.

I would work on hanging s few of the mirrors. I had to ask James for help with holding my very heavy shield one, and because the ceilings are lower I had to move the other things in the wall but it's fine. I am really pleased with how it's coming to there. I also hung a mirror on the back of the bathroom door and I absolutely love how it looks.

I would order another bath mat for the bathroom. And text me my mom. And eventually I went to take a bath.

It was a lot harder to get the water to be warm enough but I struggled through and washed my hair and while it was unpleasant at least I was clean.

James gave me an early birthday gift after my shower. An absolutely giant frog plush and a pin of the Maryland Pennsylvania railroad pin. So sweet. I love them. Both the gifts and my husband.

We are laying in bed and watching a scary video. And I feel happy. Tired, sick of coughing, but happy. And I have two days to rest and do moving things and what ever else. I hope I can just keep feeling better.

I love you all. Goodnight everyone.

[rebelscumlena]

Space Sailor

Pairing: Marnie x Willy (Stardew Valley)

Word Count: 2.4K

Summary: It’s common knowledge in Pelican Town that there’s something going on between Marnie and Mayor Lewis. But how exactly did Marnie end up with Lewis? Wasn’t she seeing someone prior to him? Could it possibly be the fisherman who’s constantly watching her from across the Saloon? Why aren’t they together anymore?

A/N: Not the way I expected to get back into fanfiction, but I’ll take it. The Dynamic Writing Duo is back at it again! This idea was developed a week ago when @javier-djarin​ and I went down a rabbit hole of SV conspiracies, and the song Space Cowboy by Kacey Musgraves made it complete. Thank you as always to @javier-djarin​ for being my beta on my stories and giving me encouragement to write. Your usual recipe of teeth rotting fluff and soul crushing angst is here! Enjoy! 🐮

The music from the jukebox and the smell of pizza flooded Willy’s senses as he entered the Stardrop Saloon. Another Friday night meant just about everyone had shown up to celebrate the end of another long week. The younger ones were off playing pool in the side room, Robin and Demetrius were tearing up the dance floor, and Clint was waiting at their usual table with a cold pint ready for him. 

“How’s the ocean, Willy?” Clint asked, sliding over the glass of beer as Willy took his seat.

“Same as usual. How’s the forge?”

“Same as usual.”

The two friends chuckled at their little banter before clinking their glasses and taking a swig. They fell into some light conversation about their weeks, occasionally getting up to get another round. Although Willy always made sure that it was Clint’s turn to get drinks when Emily was up at the bar counter. He was a good friend in that way. He understood more than most what it meant to pine after someone. 

Willy finished his pint just as Clint went up for another round.  He focused his gaze on the little droplets of ale running down the side of his glass before pooling at the bottom. He knew what would happen if his eyes wandered across the Saloon. But desire got the best of him. Willy’s eyes swept across the bar, landing on her.

Marnie had always been able to draw his attention in a crowd. At all the festivals and events held over the years, he never failed to miss her. As painful as it was to think about their past, he preferred her attention then compared to now, because every time he took notice of her nowadays, Lewis was always lingering in her shadow.  It was no secret the mayor was interested in Marnie, even though he was adamant there was nothing going on between them. 

Lewis returned to the petite woman with another round of drinks, drawing a huff out of the old mariner. Sure, nothing going on, Willy thought as he drew his attention back to the droplets in his glass. Where was Clint with a new one?

Marnie had seen Willy’s lingering gaze. She always noticed when he was watching her. She could feel his gaze like a gentle caress: warm and comforting. Despite the many years that had passed and the fact that Mayor Lewis had been keeping her attention as of late, she wished Willy would look at her the same way he used to all those years ago. Back then his gaze was tender and loving, now it was always filled with remorse.

It was the summer before Marnie turned 20 when Willy and his Pappy had decided to settle in Pelican Town. She remembered seeing him around town as she grew up, but he always seemed to disappear the next day. Guess that’s what being raised by a mariner meant. But Willy’s Pappy was getting on in years, and so Willy had decided to open the Fish Shop down by the docks. He could make money and still let his Pappy enjoy the salty air.

It started as all young love usually does with a summer romance. She had just gone to buy a fishing pole and some bait for her older brother, and suddenly she was being charmed by Willy. The slightly older young man was tanned from all his time being out on the water and he smelled of mead and the ocean, instead of the piss and vinegar she heard most sailors described with. Willy was mild mannered and humble. That day she left with her brother’s birthday gifts and a promise to meet Willy that evening on the docks. And every night after that…

“Marnie, dear?”

Marnie jolted back to the present, her eyes focused on Lewis who was looking at her in slight annoyance.

“I’m sorry, Lewis. What were you saying?” she asked, taking a sip of her drink.

“I was just saying that Pierre claims I’m going to have to start special ordering truffle oil from now on since it’s too expensive to keep in stock. Isn’t that just ridiculous? And after all the corners I’ve cut for him.” Lewis guffawed in derision before taking a long pull from his drink.

Marnie gave a light chuckle, her mind beginning to wander again when she noticed Clint showing Willy a crystal he pulled from his apron.

Quartz, Marnie mused. He’s always been a sucker for quartz.

She had noticed he was collecting quartz one summer after his Pappy had passed. Not thinking much of it, Marnie ended up bringing him some quartz she had found on a hike up near the mountain. 

“I don’t know why you’re collecting them, but I saw this one and figured you could use it,” she stated, pressing the little crystal into the palm of his hand.

He gave her the warmest smile, his eyes watering a bit before pulling her into a deep embrace. Without a word, he then pulled her up from the dock they had been sitting on and took her inside the Fish Shop. Behind the counter, he pulled out a little wire hanger that had bits of quartz hanging off of various length strings: a sun catcher.

“I was thinking of hanging it up in the windows. Figured it would make this place a little more homey,” Willy said, a blush slowly rising to his cheeks as he rubbed the back of his head, “especially when you come around.” 

Marnie had jumped across the counter to plant a firm kiss on his lips, the largest grin on her face. She’d known how she felt about Willy for a while, but she waited for him to give her some sign that he felt the same: this was her sign.

After that day, it was rare that Marnie wasn’t down at the docks. Her parents were initially against the idea of Marnie spending all her time with the fisherman, but so long as her chores at the Ranch were completed, there wasn’t much they could say. Marnie was happy, and there were worse options than the fisherman.

Meanwhile, Willy was still in slight disbelief that he had managed to catch Marnie’s eye in the first place. She was the prettiest woman in town, and surely had better prospects than a weathered man who would perpetually smell of fish. Yet she had agreed to meet him that evening all those years ago, where he taught her how to bait a fishing pole so she could show her brother. She had come back almost every night since, joining him to watch the sunset and chat about their days. After a few months, they’d shared their first kiss on the docks. They’d exchanged birthday gifts, told each other secrets no one else would know, and even renamed his Pappy’s boat the Manatee. It wasn’t too long after that Willy was presenting Marnie with a bouquet of flowers.

But then he’d received a job offer out in the Fern Islands. It would make good money, but it meant Willy would be out at sea for months. He’d been nervous to tell Marnie about it one evening as they sat on the docks to watch the sunset. But when she told him to take the job, he was stunned. “And when you come home,” she had said, “I’ll be here on this dock waiting for you.”

The disappearing sunlight outlined her face perfectly, and he swore she’d never looked more beautiful than she had in that moment with a daisy from her bouquet nestled in her braid.

A week later, Willy and Marnie shared a passionate kiss on the docks before he set off on the Manatee. The inevitable months seemed to drag, but then a year passed. Willy had finished the job, but had picked up another with the prospect of catching an extremely rare species of fish. But the fish eluded the fisherman, and by then, the Manatee was in desperate need of repairs. More months passed by before the Manatee was ready to set sail again. Having used most of his money for repairs, Willy needed to take on more jobs to make up his losses. Then there were the storms that forced him to try alternate routes back to Pelican Town, which drained more of his supplies and money, and required him to take on more jobs.

Before he knew it, five years had passed by the time he docked back in Pelican Town. The Manatee was in worse shape than when he left, forcing him to retire the ship until he could come up with more money and materials to get her properly fixed. What little money he had managed to earn was barely enough to be called a profit after losing so many years at sea. But worst of all was the knowledge that Marnie wasn’t waiting on the docks for him.

He couldn’t blame her, especially since he had stopped sending letters after the first year. Between all the jobs he had barely found enough time to sleep, let alone write and send a letter. But more than anything, he felt ashamed. After the first job finished he realized how much he had missed the sea. The thrill in his blood when he woke up bobbing to the rhythm of the waves, the rush of excitement as he navigated through both calm and storm, and the sheer joy of just being out on the open water. It was his first love, and it had managed to surpass the love he felt for Marnie and the desire to start a life with her. So he stopped sending letters and instead let the sea take him wherever she deemed fit, hoping that somehow Marnie would understand.

So it was no surprise when he ventured into the Stardrop Saloon on his first night back and found Marnie and Lewis occupying a table together. Admittedly, Willy was surprised it was Lewis at the table with her. Then he remembered how the mayor had always had an eye on the young woman even when they were together. Marnie’s gaze moved to him, and Willy waited with anticipation for what she might say or do. He expected wrath from her, but instead was given a small smile and a nod before she turned her attention back to Lewis who was rambling about the governor coming to visit. Too stunned to do much else, Willy nodded back before heading to the bar. 

Marnie found herself thinking back to the day he left and everything changed. Somehow as she watched the Manatee take him away, she had a sinking feeling that he might not return. She would tell herself every time that wasn’t the case, that he would return after a job or maybe two and they’d turn the Fish Shop into a home and raise cows on the beach. Then the letters stopped coming and suddenly waiting on the docks made her feel silly rather than hopeful. Such is the life of a mariner, she would tell herself. So she forced herself to move on, and over time came to the conclusion that the sea would’ve called to him one way or another. She had noticed he was getting restless, and sometimes found him gazing longingly out into the horizon. Perhaps it was better that it happened before they had actually started a life together.

So when he walked into the Saloon that night, she felt every emotion she had bottled over five years run through her before she landed on contentment. Willy had chosen his path, and she had learned to become okay with that. She gave him a small smile to convey her understanding and a nod to welcome him home. All the while she focused on tampering down her beating heart as she turned her attention back to Lewis. Yet without fail every time he walked into the Saloon after that night, her heart would speed up in a way it never would around Lewis.

Before long, Gus was making the announcement for last call. Most everyone had cleared out aside from the late nighters. Pam was slowly falling asleep into her drink once again, and Elliott was visiting the toilet before his walk home. Lewis had gone to settle the tab with Gus, leaving Marnie to finish her drink and prepare for the walk back to the Ranch. She noticed Clint saying his farewells to Willy, throwing one last gaze at Emily before making his way out into the night. Willy nodded after his friend, puffing away contentedly on his pipe as his gaze moved to Marnie.

When their eyes locked, all the good memories flooded back: Marnie showing Willy how to bake pumpkin pie, Willy teaching Marnie how to rig up a crab pot; summer nights drinking mead on the deck of the Manatee, winter days making out in the hay loft while the cows watched in a mixture of curiosity and boredom. Then for the briefest second, Marnie thought of what life would’ve been like. Waking up to the call of seagulls or bringing the cows in at night? Teaching their kids to fish at the Festival of Ice? Holding hands while watching the Moonlight Jellies? A giddy grin broke out on Marnie’s face that was for Willy’s eyes only, which caused the edges of his lips to move up just a tad.

“Ready to go, Marnie?” Lewis called, walking back over to her.

The grin morphed into a more reserved smile as Marnie turned her attention to Lewis, nodding and getting up to follow him out.

Willy watched as the two departed, Marnie’s gaze every so subtly going back to him before she disappeared into the night with the mayor. The fisherman softly chuckled around his pipe, wondering what she was thinking about before getting up to stretch as Elliott joined him.

“Ready, Willy?” the younger man asked.

“Aye, lad. Let’s get going,” Willy responded, following him out. They made their way south through town and back to their homes. They passed Lewis’s house on the way, and Willy tapped out the ashes from his pipe on the steps of the Manor.

Elliott gave the older man a smirk, shaking his head in amusement. “Must you do that every time we walk by?”

“Gotta give him some actual work to do,” Willy responded, a cheeky smirk on his face as he stowed his pipe in his pants.

The two men continued their walk, and once Elliott parted ways to his home, Willy was left to approach the docks on his own. The wood creaked under each step, and he took a deep inhale of the salty air. For a moment, he was a younger man sitting next to a pretty woman underneath the stars and figuring out how to raise cows on the beach. As he gazed forlornly out into the dark, Willy realized that kind of love ran deeper than the sea. And perhaps one day, the tide would come back in his favor.

[lavendershift-ofc]

»»————-　⚜　————-««

Ruins

Darkness paints in opaque white light. I walk down into blindness, baring my skin to the biting coldness. Behind the thick curtains of light, green forest paints in. And so I see - blocky, simple buildings of only known three primary shapes of circle, triangle and square, sometimes rectangle. Colours dull down, some rectangles have lines pouring down. I walk even further into the grassy field.

Virgil nods at me to run down the steep, bright area. I give him my hand, but he still wanders off into dark forest. Just as I step in, I feel warm waves going through my body. I pull off my vest, toss it aside and allow warmth absorb into my body.

I remember this kind of valley. Near the orphanage, we had ruins. He would always take me there. I remember, how often we played king and the knight out there. Our weapons of branches had millions of forms. I remember Aapo often being the king. And I was the knight. He claimed that I should've been a princess due to my long hair. Heh, funny kid he was.

What else draws onto my head, is the story of a lost girl and a cat. She was lost in the valley, looking for help, and how a molly helped her with her loneliness and even tried to find a way back home. Little by little, evidence of ruined world showed me a harsh truth. Her entire house was destroyed. Her family - broken. Cat was a pet of her mother's friend. And she just wanted to get back home. How much did I cry after reading this story as a little boy! My brother in fact, allowed me to cry into his shoulder and chest as he took the book away from my hands. Afterwards, I always sped at the bookshelf having the book, to prevent from even seeing the back of it.

Painful heaviness in my heart slowly releases the painful grasp. I breathe out and watch, how nature continues moving on, continuing its biological and chemical cycles. Water streaming at my feet wash out the shine, for it to glisten. I see couple of thin, streaky fish glide in brown water. Pine trees nod at each other.

At last, I start to see the ruins. Thin, crumbly, pale stones, like fingers peeking out from sand, cut the forest in many pieces. I reach closer to one. Runes paint in bright, shiny glass panes. After a blinding flash, I do see his face.

Pale hair, wild strand mixing onto another. silvery streak at forehead swinging. Pale blue eyes. Thick, warm-toned dark textile. Leathery jacket resting at elbows. It's him. It is indeed him.

My brother.

Just then I pull away my finger. Virgil creeps behind me, and guides me forward, for us to enter a pile of rocks combined into a proper structure, which rises the highest. In a tight spot, Virgil kneels down, clasps his hands below his chest as a belt and leans his cranium all the way to his back. I settle down too and I jam my hand into his free loop of arm.

Remaining rays of the sun glide on my face. Small holes on the roofs glow. At the moment, those same runes on the stone glow. My ring at my arm bites onto my flesh. As well as Virgil's. He winces, whimpers a little. Tears burst out from his sunken eyes. Just then, he opens them up, and apple green irises regain their colour.

You're just like me, huh, Virgil speaks under his breath.

What?

Guess I am like you.

Why so?

Because I lost my brother too, albeit in a different manner.

I hold Virgil tightly in my arms.

Do you wish to tell more about him?

»»————-　⚜　————-««

[vulpeskorsak]

Day 26 of Whumptober 2022: Remembering

Day 26 of Whumptober 2022!

No. 26 NO ONE LEFT BEHIND

Separated | Rope Burns | “Why did you save me?”

Timeline-wise my current shorts go: Day 2 -> Day 15 -> Day 5 -> Day 16 -> Day 25 -> Day 1 -> Day 18 -> Day 22 -> Day 13 - > (Day 4 -> Day 9*) -> Day 3 -> Day 7 -> Day 8 -> Day 21 - > Day 19 -> Day 6 -> Day 11 -> Day 12 -> Day 23 -> Day 14 -> Day 17 -> Day 24 -> Day 26 -> Day 20

*Day 4 and 9 do not happen in the same AU where Ludwig exists.

Day 10 is a modern AU.

Victor is my human fleshsmith inventor (KibblesTasty Homebrew class) from a long-running DnD adventure.

Ludwig Richter is a tiefling and a former gravedigger turned archeologist who wields a rifle and a battle shovel named Charon that I play in a TTRPG.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/42670191 (AO3 link)

Remembering

It is swimming somewhere when a thought crosses its mind. A first coherent thought in…

“How long have I been looking?”

It is swimming along the bottom. Its long body snaking its way somewhere. It does not know where it is going.

“What… am I even looking for?” It wonders. “What am… I?”

The creature stops. It looks down at himself. He has a humanoid upper body with unnaturally pale skin and clawed hands and a lower body of a black and white moray eel.

“A moray eel merman? Huh. I wonder why? Why not a goldfish or a shark? Or a crab? Are there crab merfolk? Any non-fish merfolk? I’ve heard of a whale-like one from… Who was it? … Ah! Flaming Tail. A tabaxi pirate who took Ludwig and I to the Tower for the first time…”

His old-new body suddenly twitches and curls in on itself, following the odd mix of emotions felt at the thought.

“Ludwig.”

That is what he… Victor… has been looking for. Who he has been looking for. His partner. His lover. His dear Ludwig.

“Why am I looking for him at the bottom of the sea? How would he have gotten here? He was right there… When I died… I died? So… this is what happens to those who died? This is the afterlife for those who don’t get chosen by a god to join their garden for the rest of time? They turn into merfolk? But that cannot be true. There would be more merfolk than water in the ocean then. And I have not met one in a while… How long have I been here? Perhaps, this is the fate reserved only for some? Does it require a special cause of death? Perhaps, a special burial? Or is this a “garden” of some god? But it can’t be. All of them are on land… islands… in the middle of the ocean on the other side. Huh. But the ocean. The ocean is, perhaps, the same as a garden? If so, it would have to someone’s domain. But which god would…?”

He looks around seeing nothing but water in all directions but down. He uncurls and leans down to touch the sand. It feels… just as he expected sand to feel.

“Ervi.” He thinks, playing with the sand using his new tail and his arms. Tracing lines in it, making them into a shape. Weirdly enough, the sand stays the way he wants it to. “The God of Life and Death… I suppose it would make sense that such a god would take care of everyone who has not been chosen for a garden of a different god… And then some, such as I, are special. It is likely, because I have… gotten pretty close to figuring out how to bring myself back to life, I guess? I tried at least. It must have worked then! I came back to life?! But I don’t remember it. Must have been botched for some reason. But maybe the fact that I came close warrants me a place here?”

“Exactly.”

He hears a voice. In the middle of the ocean. It makes him think of a young man. It is not distorted in the slightest.

He turns to see, well, a young man with indistinct features and skin just as pale as his is floating above him. His eyes radiate white light. Along with his mouth when he opens it to speak. “I like your drawing.” The young man smiles. “He is handsome.”

“He is.” Victor nods swimming up and looking at the portrait he is drawing.

It is hard to tell much, let alone handsomeness, from the basic shape of a face he has just begun working on.

“How did you know he is handsome?”

“I’ve seen him.”

“How?”

“When he brought you here.”

Victor nods in understanding. The special burial was provided then.

“Do you love him?”

Victor is stopped half way back down.

“I… do.”

“I could tell… you have been looking for his for a decade now, you know? Without even knowing what you were looking for.” The man informs him not moving from his spot.

“I see… Is he still alive?”

“Alive is… a broad term.” He tilts his head waiting for elaboration. “I’d argue you and I are also currently alive.”

“Is he still living in our birth plane?”

“Ah. That he is. Keeps his Tower still… Do you want to see him again?”

“That would be lovely.”

“Do you want to return to him? And to your “life”?”

Victor stops drawing to think. This place is fascinating… but his time here in much less limited than up there. It would be stupid to miss this chance.

“What do I need to do?”

“It is… as simple as it is not. You just need to find your way out. Though I’m afraid I can’t help you. But you are already half way there. You’ve restored your consciousness. You are you again. Most never do.”

[am8th2stm]

"Orange"

Originally done: Dec 2020 on the Prose

Edited: July 2024

Orange, that was the name I had been given by a human. I didn’t know why I was named Orange. It did not sound like how it was spelt. 

I didn’t know what it meant but it was my name. And I liked it. 

Every time the human that named me came into my line of sight, they poked at my tank. It would scare me and then I'd watch the human sit down on something that looked soft and comfy. I wouldn’t know how it felt because I’ve never felt it. Everything I've ever felt was hard.

Zebra and Red had recently died. Their deaths hurt most of us and that was hard too.

Mr. Oscar Sr. went on from their deaths like it didn’t happen. I wasn't happy with him because of that! 

I looked back at the human and then noticed two smaller humans coming to sit next to them. They talked to the human that named me for a bit and then the small humans left. 

The human looked at me and then started to talk to me, “I drew you and everyone else, Orange. Even Red and Zebra to remember them. I have to remember you all when you die.” I only understood part of what they said as I continued to swim around.

This human appeared often, took care of us, and even talked to us before disappearing for a long time. It was a cycle that repeated over and over.

I wondered if the human would ever disappear and never come back. The thought scared me...and then what happen if the twins died? Or rude and quiet Mr. Oscar Sr.? What about his young son, Mr. Oscar Jr.?

What if I was all alone when I died? I didn’t want to be alone. My best friends had already died. What if I was next? I was smaller than everyone else but Mr. Oscar Jr. and yet I was skinnier than him!

“Hey, hey, Orange.” I looked back at the human and they pulled out something. “This is you.” I saw a weird-looking thing and a human drawn on it with an even more weird-looking color. I looked at it before turning away. “I’ve drawn Red and Zebra too.” I turned around again and saw two more humans on the weird-looking thing. Their colors reminded me of Red and Zebra! My two best friends! Red has always been feisty but he cared about us! Zebra was always kind and helpful! They were the best! 

I noticed two shapes above both of my friends that weren't above me and slowed down. “I made them like angels because you know…they died. They were so special...” I only caught a few words but I understood ‘angel’, ‘died’, and ‘special’. 

My friends were special angels who died! Yes, they were! 

I became happier thinking about my best friends and time went by...and the human had to leave again. They tapped the glass one last time. “Goodbye, Orange. Bye, everyone. See you next time.” I made a circle and saw them disappear.

Okay, see you next time! Bye, human!

End note: This was a very sentimental piece I wrote from the view of one of my fish. Most of them have passed on by now. I don't know how long catfish last but Mr. Oscar Sr. and Mr. Oscar Jr. should be really big now if they're still alive. I was very upset to learn that fish only lasted a few years when I was younger. I got to see them every break I had from school when I visited my grandmother's house. I was the one that took care of them before they died and I'd been the one that was informed of one of my fish passing on. 

I drew the whole crew as humans. I imagine it was very difficult for me to draw them as fish…they never stop moving. Obviously, they're not very good posers. 

I could have probably taken pictures of them and just did it like that but eh, it's in the past now. 

I still have the drawing though. It's not very good…but those were my only fish. Ever. I don't know if I'll get some again. I get attached easily to things I feel like I'm supposed to care about. I guess. I'm not exactly sure anymore. 

[curlyxxx]

Hi! I really like making beats, recently started to make a discord server🔞 where only a few of my friends have joined.... Most of them are people that I've met in the last year or sooner. All of them haven't treated me any differently from me being as myself as I can be. Normally, I don't share my thought's or creative outputs due to fear of judgment. I've made this Tumblr for me to post anything on my mind or to post openly. Anyways😅

...

My name is Curly, I'm a Transgender female, in my 20s... I've been involved with music for 10+ years but this year, I started Producing my own beats. Previous experiences has lead me to Video editing (12+ years). I haven't only spent my time living in the City.. I grew up kind of in the mix between country & Bigger Cities.. Younger me liked to explore a lot, I'd go on walks and disappear for hours listening to the same tracks on an iPod Classics... One of those old ones with 256gb. I maxed out the storage in middle school. I'm glad to be out of the toxic space I was in & I kinda finally feel like I'm headed in the direction I want to be going. Through my journey, I've lived in the woods (a fishing resort) for about 4 months. Learning all kinds of trades. With stories like being charged by a bear with mom's cubs climbing a tree😆. - I should note I normally use a lot of emojis... I tend to because I feel as though I can't articulate myself properly... Plus I really don't want people to misinterpret what I'm saying at all...😅 I enjoy gaming... So much to the point I've been guided by a friend to make a game. I've been taking my time to learn & slowly get organized, as I move soon. More Space! I finally get to use 2 monitors again & have a setup with a decent chair.. The game I'm going to make is a visual novel, I have 2 - I'm currently working on with a few other ideas I could work on in the future... I'm learning pieces of Python, Ren'py and small amounts of other code. I'll be making the entire visual novel myself, both games! I might get some help through people I meet through my future journey.. & I really look forward to it! but I'm currently still in a learning phase for what I really wanna do. It took me a really long time to realize or find the right people I needed to surround myself with... or I guess people I want to be around! I'll probably post again tomorrow, but I don't really have a schedule until the move... I really enjoy writing, I spent most of my high school years trying to figure out how rhythm works with words... Trying to match words to a beat... Took me a really long time to figure out on my own. Now, I'm so grateful for the people around that have nurtured me especially when I was most vulnerable. I care very deeply for those around me & sticking around. I was essentially left in the Dust by a group of YouTubers trying to make a Quick Buck during the Pandemic. I never made a penny... I tried to keep up with their level of business and dug myself a hole... Now I'm building what I hope to be my future from this point on. All I want to do is draw & learn... I want to constantly Learn from/with people. I have a huge interest in what's going to come in the future! Hope whoever reads this has a good weekend. Hopefully I'll post again soon. Stream plz cut it out by Curly | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

[macgyvertape]

FF14 Stormblood thoughts

Lets see, I posted my running commentary on wrapping up Heavensward in Oct '22 so it's been a while. My friend and I got busy and took a break from the game.

A long time ago I forget who posted:

“#do new players know any opinion they have about stormblood is basically akin to #someone finishing da for the first time this year and saying they have some thoughts about anders they'd like to tell you about #like cool it's understandable you have these thoughts. i however am running for the hills”

which now that I've finished Stormblood I understand, and that's with skipping a bunch of non MSQ stuff.

I'm so excited for Shadowbringers, it was impossible for me to dodge spoilers since people I follow for D2 were posting about it, so I'm going into it knowing a lot of the big spoilers while the friend I play with has no idea. So I was very excited to see a certain skunk haired character pop up post expansion patch.

Actual running commentary on Shadowbringers below, I'm so glad I took notes for when I took a break

Wow so theres swimming in this new city?

I know vaguely who Zenos is and he’s the main antagonist. Just waiting for him to be introduced since the antagonist in the beginning is a joke of a dude with a hammer

Zenos shows up with like a golf club bag of swords, I know this dude is supposed to be this game’s attempt at Sepiroth but I’m not impressed

It was very easy to predict that some of the people we just did quest for were going to die. But damn something happens to Y'shtola every expansion 

This storyline is very serious and draws on real world issues, which could not be more of a contrast to my friend and I playing it as we hangout and eat dinner

Fighting an unwinnable fight with my 2 applicable WHM damage spells. Sure he slashed me up but I feel like in universe I can heal tank through anything but a drugged drink

Wow the Black Rose is some serious warcrimes chemical warfare. 

I thought Lolorito was dead what’s a dude working for him doing here

Fuck this fish-dude with the bell. Its totally personal

Wow so the imperial viceroy is a asshole who has people kill their family for displeasing her. Really casting the imperials as absolute monsters

Wow huge underwater sections, also didn’t know the dragon-ppl lived underwater

The more Yotsuyu talks the more I’m like “hmm maybe Ilberd had a point”

Susano is a delight, he’s just hamming it up

Huh so apparently Kurenai is the real princess and the person we fought was the body double, I’m going to continue this questline even though it isn’t worth it exp wise just to see how this plays out

Gotsetsu returning to the village: not sure if the intent was to have him be naive, but he comes off as an asshole with talking about how he is owed hospitality and complaining about the tone people talk to him in. Like dude, the whole village is going to face deadly repercussions if you’re seen.

I didnt realize there was a wolf-person race. Why can’t we play as them?

I thought Yugiri was gonna die when we fought Zenos round 2. Guess he’s one of those trope “lives for a strong fight”.  

Took a week break then coming back to another new faction with Cirina kinda feels like its killing the momentum

I wasn’t expecting this Sun cult, Magnai is such an asshole, like fuck off with the slavery and a double fuck you with the sexism

Gosetsu is so arrogant, like if he would just shut up things would go so much more smoothly

Is Koko and Sadu of the Dotharl trans or non binary? Great if they are. Like their belief in reincarnation seems pretty understandable if you factor in the later lore about sundered beings being shards of each other and merging over time

Can’t believe we’re letting this empire dude run away for a second time

Yotsuyu had sad childhood backstory, still not sympathetic for the injustices she commits now. 

Hien is gonna flood Doma Castle, i know this is like a historical tactic but all I’m thinking of is Rains of Castamere

Damn Gosetsu got taken out by a falling rock (ceiling), how anti climatic I’m not really torn up about it because all the characters just stood around talking

I’m gonna really hope Hien actually killed Yotsuyu with that sword blow

At first i thought some of the questnames were coincidences, but no Doma part of Stormblood has a fair amount of Hamilton references

Oh no Krile, feels like a real kick the dog moment for Fordola

Summoning a primal to bring back a dead child, the question isn’t if this will go poorly but the extent of how poorly it will go. (Although you can resurrect people in battle so I guess thats gameplay and story difference)

I appreciate how Allisaie tried another option

The Shri Lakshmi mechanics were hard and annoying, most challenging fight in a while

Big fire the death star vibes for Fordola, also I just realized she has thigh high tights with the gap between the skirt. WHY instead of armor like other characters get

A randomly appearing Estinien, how did he know to come here? Why now? I have no idea but what a cool entrance, this is the hottest he’s ever been

Does Fordola have the fuckin sharigan?!

Lyse looks hot in the new dress but its the most impractical thing for a fight wtf. Its total fanservice, player character and her fly towards eachother in what could easily be framed as a kiss then the achievement is called “cheek to cheek”

Key to Victory is the quest type I hate where I don’t have firm directions where to go and I got instawiped by the npc followers getting close to the wrong enemy. Wish I could start on very easy

So we freed Krile, what about the rest of the people in the pods?

Zenos turns into the primal dragon that used to be Ilberd, talk about desecrating Ilberd’s belief in using the power to fight the empire

This is a very anticlimatic ending to 4.0. I’m not emotionally tied to Zenos either enjoying him as a villain or hating him as a rival, more like “ah not this asshole again lets see who wins the fight by virtue of plot armor” 

So Zenos killed himself after getting 1 good fight, but I know he’ll be back. I’m imagine my character standing there like the Saitama “ok” face

Ok so Estinian stabbing the eyes means Lahabrea and Igeyorhm are super dead

Guess Elidibus stole Zenos’ body. They should have burned it

Nero being Cid’s ex is the funniest way to interpret him joining the Ironworks

Why is this Arnevald guy talking like he knows me

All of the above written before Jan 2023 and then I took a break till November

Got back into the game and its like “here’s a backstory about a guy who was the product of sexual assault from an occupying military force and his horrible childhood” and then “here’s Fordola’s sad backstory where her father was stoned to death by a mob for collaborating while he was protecting her”.

So that’s really sad, then the next quests are the Sultana’s backstory and “go to the golden saucer, try not to get distracted, challenge impossible”

The orb dissipation duty sucks, I just failed it so I could do it on very easy mode

Me: Alphinaud is gonna fuck up paying for this sword, he’s talking to a pawn broker. 30 min later: yeah he fucked up

Patch 2 sure is my least favorite, I don’t like Gosetsu or Yotsuyu 

Wow not a surprise  the Imperial diplomat is also an imperial zealot, and he’s Yotsuyu’s brother meaning that whole family tree is fucked up

Me: guess the Tsukuyomi wasn’t so infinite. My friend: One Piece was a better anime

The camera really emphasizes Asahi’s crazy eyes and obsession with Zenos. Funny since Zenos then is obsessed with the Warrior of Light

This Garlean with a bunch of Ascian mask trophies is kind of intimidating, but he much have just killed the weak sundered ones. I have no idea who he is, but funnily I know what Ascain is running around as Zenos

Extremely annoying 2 part solo duty that I had to redo when almost getting to the very end, followed by very funny Y'shtola shooting down a guy who had the hots for her

Hell yeah Exarch showing up, now the fun begins because I’m very spoiled on Shadowbringers and my fiend has no clue 

Me: Mr nap time himself! My friend: whose this guy. Such a fun intro with Emet being mean to his family and hamming it up, where he’s ???? until the name Solus is dropped

I appreciate the non serious tune and amount of dutch angles in his intro

Oh shit the Ascian hunter is Gaius (not Balter), I didn't recognize him at all since the part of his old mask around the eyes was white I thought that was his skin color

Oh I’ve been mispronouncing Emet-Selch with a ch sound. Also lmao he takes time to be mean to Varis

Ok after the 2 part negotiation with Varis I want to see Solus bully Varis some more. He deserves it

My friend doesn’t recognize the Crystal Exarch from the brief bit at all, if he didn’t remember who Lahabrea is then no chance he recognizes G’raha Tia except that G’raha has been in Dawntrail marketing 

Damn so Stormblood ends with a fade to black and then a jumpscare evil Varis grin…

Post quest cutscene: Zenos bodyhopping I guess

[seagoatapothecary]

Althea’s Tale

An Excerpt from “Chapter One - Summer Awakening”

5th day of Croon - Year 181 of New Tala

Fishing Full Moon

Tomorrow I am 13. To celebrate Mama got me this bound blank set of leaf paper to write on. My brother Lars got one for his 13th year as well, but all he does is draw crude images in his. And my sister Deb is too young still, her 13th year isn’t for another 4 more years. It’s tradition in our family to have a ceremony called an Awakening the night before you turn 13, but I’m not sure why our family still does it. Both Mama and Daddy says at one point a long time ago families all throughout Manipor practiced an old tradition called Manpora but that was before New Tala when all of the Domains came together. No one does that anymore except our family, at least in our village of Sommentown. We get made looked at funny for holding to old traditions and not being like everyone else. According to Mama the people of Manipor, when it was its own Domain, would receive spiritual blessings on the night of their Awakening after giving a gift of themselves to Tala, the earth, by burying it in the ground under a sacred tree. It sounds a little much to me, but I understand why Mama holds to it since her family is one of the old clans of Manipor. When I asked what her blessing was after her Awakening she smiled and said, “a blue bird”. I have no idea what she means by that. I think Lars’ blessing was just becoming more of an idiot. I’m wearing a red dress with a crown made of flowers that Mama made for me, no slippers so I can feel the summer grass between my toes like one of those fancy furry carpets that the merchants sell during festivals in town. The dress is probably the nicest I’ve ever worn and Mama bought special cloth from a textile merchant during the Midsummer Festival. I’m not sure what else to write about in here and it’s about time for my family and I to walk to the woods behind the house for my ceremony. I will write later I guess.

6th day of Croon

It’s the next day. I’m 13. I woke up this morning thinking that something would happen to me overnight, but nothing seems different. Daddy told me think of it as a metaphorical awakening and that it’s symbolic of me getting older. I guess. Being older here just means more chores at the house. Speaking of I have to go get ready for breakfast because it’s my turn to cook. Happy 13th year to me. Bye.

12th day of Croon - Year 181 of N.T.

Last Half Moon

It’s been 7 days since my Awakening, almost a full week. And it’s been bad. Lars has been sick and Deb whiny and won’t help out to make up for Lars being sick. Daddy hurt himself trying to load goods to sell in town by himself and now Mama and I are pulling all the extra work. We had to take the cart to town ourselves yesterday and unload everything while Old Man Grune watched us and made inappropriate comments about Mama’s “shape” and about how us manporas would get him in trouble with his wife. That’s what the people in town call us because we still follow old traditions. I think it used to be really bad to call someone that because that’s when Mama told him to shush. I told Mama after we left I hope his store shelves get covered in stinkweed and then it smells like rotted flesh. We must not be very good manporas though if no blessings come across our family. Maybe I gave a bad gift. Mama told me to give something meaningful for me. I chose one of the sunflowers I grew over summer because it took a lot of work. Now it seems silly to give something back to Tala that grew out of it to begin with. I hope Lars gets better and Daddy’s injury heals quickly. Harvest is approaching and Mama and I can’t do it all, and Deb is no help.

16th day of Croon

Deb is now sick. Somehow it’s worse than Lars because someone has to be with her at all times. Lars is better and Daddy is healing but Mama’s salves are only doing so much. They don’t know but I heard them talking about how he’s still having trouble putting weight on it even though the wound was healing. Mama had gone in to town yesterday to request the physician come look at him but when she came back they were not with her and she seemed upset when talking with Daddy. “Lars, they don’t respect us, they can’t treat you like this when we provide so much for them” I heard her say to him. Lars is Daddy’s name too just like my brother’s. I think Mama means that the people in town don’t like us because we are manporas. It’s wrong for them to be so mean, I don’t even know why practicing these traditions is so bad except that the rulers of New Tala say it is. I wonder how the physician would feel if all of a sudden he needed one of Mama’s tinctures or Daddy’s leather wares and we told him no. Hopefully Daddy can get better without the physicians help though.

32nd day of Croon, 181 year of N.T. First Crescent Moon

It’s hot. Mama and Daddy are worried because it hasn’t rained, and Daddy can’t walk right. His wound is closed but he makes a big face when he tries walking and I hear him curse and swear out back when he thinks we can’t hear him. Lars and I help out a lot right now, and even Deb helps Mama some in the house since Mama has to help Daddy sometimes too. I heard that Old Man Grune’s got stinkweed growing on his porch steps and it seems he can’t get it to go away. The best news I’ve had since my Awakening.

8th day of Sol, 181 year of N.T.

Something strange happened. But I’m not sure what it was. I think No. It was just a coincidence. We’re all just stressed because of Daddy and the Harvest Moon Festival coming up.

17th day of Sol

Daddy is still on a crutch and says he’s getting better, “just old bones healing slowly” he says. The Harvest Festival is in 5 days and Daddy says we will all, Deb included, have to be helping prepare this week. Mama and I are going ahead the day before with Deb to start setting up the market stall and our smaller wares and items while Daddy and Lars will head out the morning of, leaving early with the leather goods and larger items such as crafted furniture and tools. Usually we all go together but with Daddy not moving well we have to set up the stall ourselves and this gives Mama and I time to set up without any pressure from lookers’ on. Daddy may think he’s healing okay but he’s still worried about people in town seeing him moving slow so he thinks this way will keep them from suspecting too much. “An injured man cannot provide quality work, and cannot provide for his family.” I prayed last night to the Goddess that everything will be okay. The Awakening may not have done anything for me but maybe prayer will.

21st day of Sol, 181 year of N.T. Harvest Full Moon

Mama, Deb and I are all packed up and fixing to leave for town. We get to stay at an inn! We’ve never not stayed at our own place, and I know it’s just in town which isn’t anywhere new but it feels exciting. The inn in town is not much, but it’s nice enough and large enough to house traveling merchants every festival season along with any business and people that follow. While Mama says she’s glad I’m writing in here, I’m not allowed to bring it with me in case it gets lost or left behind. “You should never leave your thoughts lying around for other’s to find, they are yours to keep and treasure.” I understand this but hope I can remember everything that happens and write it all down I love the town festivals and getting to meet all the strange people from strange lands. Although this year I’ll be more tied down at our market stall since Daddy won’t be able to unload and stand around much to sell wares. Anyways, we are about to leave so we can get to town before the sun fully sets. I can’t wait to write about the Festival when we return!

Althea

[md3artjournal]

Guess I should check in. I haven't made art in such a long time, it seems. I was already off my daily drawing practice. I didn't do half or most of MerMay.

Failed to stay on Creatury---AGAIN. I really thought I had it this time. I should have done another January of daily flower sketches.

Skipped Faebruary. I don't know why. It's one of my favorite monthly challenges. I get to draw flowers, tiny chibi, butterfly wings, and my OTPs. I don't know what happened. I think it was just my overall drop off of daily drawing practice. ;_;

March should have been Magical March. Every year I gather up costume design reference, and I say I'll draw Magical Boys to go with Magical Girls. But I'm usually burnt out from Faebruary. I really should have been able to do it this year, since I skipped Faebruary this year. I drew ONE random maho shojo OC. That's it. x_x;

April is supposed to be my own challenge that I made up: "AprilAngelsAndDemons". And it worked out well for me in 2020…But I haven't been able to bring it back since. x_x

MerMay is one of my favorite challenges. It's pretty a well-known challenge, so there's a lot of exposure, so a lot of encouragements. Plus, I don't have to draw clothes or the entire bottom half of the body. ^^ Bonus: I love drawing wavy, flowy lines, so fish tails and fish fins really work for me too. ^-^ …But I only did part of the challenge. ;; My May got taken over by some depression, and drawing cards for Mother's Day AND my mom's birthday.

June was supposed to be another one of my made-up monthly drawing challenges: JuneBridesGrooms. But I haven't done it since 2021. x_x; That was a really good challenge for me. I don't know why I haven't kept it up. ;.; But this year, I know. May 2023 got taken over by that photography contest with unlimited entries, and I think I took some days to recover from that. Still, it couldn't have been that many days. And then I had to draw my dad's Father's Day card, though that didn't take more than 2 days. And I'll still trying to continue that MerMay2023 DMCL fancomic I started last month.

Maybe I'm just burnt out. And I know I have a hard time getting back into drawing, if I don't keep it up frequently. That's why I always take on those monthly drawing challenges and try to draw every single day. But lately…I've just been letting it slide. Tired. Needed several days to do laundry. Writing too many nonsense journal posts and random Tumblr posts; fandom type analysises that I don't even post, half the time. Maybe I'm just tired.

I've been thinking a lot lately about getting more serious about returning to cons or at least finally opening an online shop. I've let the online shop ideas get postponed, because I was too busy, constantly restocking for convention tables. The pandemic let me slow down and reassess, but that just left me staring in the face, the intimidating prospect of online sales. Years, I've followed artists and read their posts about horrible customers. I've got too much social anxiety for this. So when I recently heard about "print on demand" services, I thought this would be perfect for me. But now I'm hearing it's called "dropshipping" and has a bad reputation? I feel like I can't win. I can't even figure out what name to rebrand to. Because that would require knowing how to summarize my art style and what I want to do. But all the commonalities in my illustration style, are unflattering. All my best work is flat, 2D, and monochrome, but that's not exactly the best impression. Maybe it got me dwelling too much on how I don't know how to describe my style. But more likely, I'd get disheartened, looking through my Archives, to give me ideas for what name best fits my rebrand…and be reminded how badly I draw. I can't compete with the competition. I can't even get the guts to order stickers of my art. x___x;;;;;;;;; My best art is photography and sculpture. But my photography can't compete with most other figure photographers. My 2 figure photography contest wins don't really count for anything when you see how objectively worse, even my winning photos were, compared to most others'. And I've ruined my reputation with sculpture. I'm beginning to think I've been buying weak, non-durable, polymer clay all this time. I've always had to worry about it breaking during shipping/travel, people shittalk my work's resiliency, while passing by my convention tables, and people just expect it to be as strong as some cheap Walmart industrial-plastic trinkets. I don't want to deal with more problems with materials/packaging, making more customers mad at me. Just that one incident completely ruined my ability to sculpt for my business ever again…even though it may be my best medium. I cannot deal with conflict on any kind of level. …So that's made me wonder if I should give up on art, and return to some office job. I know I heard getting a job is nearly impossible these days, especially since I don't have the basic socializing skills that are usually expected. But maybe I'd be better off if my art is just a hobby. No more worrying about competition, and not measuring up. …But I decided a long time ago, during my last office job, that if I wanted to stop feeling suicidal, even though I had all the money and medical benefits that everyone said I needed to be happy, I needed to make art my job. I was too tired after office days to do any art as a hobby. And without it, I was getting more and more, inexplicably self-destructive. I may be too lazy to really study illustration and improve, but I need to do art as my career. If my job takes up all my time, and I'm too tired in my downtime to do art, but I need art to be sane/happy, then making art my job was my only logical conclusion. …But I'm so bad at it! x________x;;;;;;;;;;;;; Even aside from my quality, I just don't have the guts to even open an online shop or take commissions. I've avoided the stress of it so much, that I don't even know where to start---Well, I know where to get the information about where to start. I've subscribed to a lot of independent small business artists on social media, who talk about all their business stuff. But I still avoid actually reading or listening to their videos…because it's all too overwhelming. More and more, I think I'm not cut out for this small business artist thing. But at the same time, I don't see anywhere else for myself.

Well, that sounds like an artist block, if I ever heard one. I guess that's why I haven't been drawing daily lately.

People say that drawing every single day is unnecessary, or even bad for you. But it works for me. It more than works for me. I NEED it. Not just because my drawing muscles instantly atrophy as soon as I stop practicing. But I also really enjoy drawing everyday. I need that feeling of accomplishment everyday. Even when I draw badly, compared to the competition in artist alley, it just feels so good to have been able to make something, and additionally be so much better than past me. Past me couldn't draw what was in my head this easily or this quickly! I feel so proud of myself after I manage to finish drawing. But then a day or 2 later, or when I have to think about which illustration to pick, to become merch in artist alley, I just fall apart.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Also, my best art isn't actually photography, sculpture, or even jewelry or printmaking. (And my storyboarding has gone to hell, since I stopped reading manga daily.) It was always writing. I'm bad at it now. I haven't been confident in writing narrative stories in years. And maybe most of what I write lately is just journaling and fandom analysis essays, that I'm too afraid to un-Private on Tumblr. But people have been telling me for years that my writing is good, I've repeatedly seen my writing get me out of situations through its effectiveness, and I know what it feels like to work hard at a craft and really enjoy the WORKING HARD at it. And I enjoy working hard at writing. I think that actually ENJOYING the "working hard" part is a big sign that it might be what I should be doing. But I've completely let this skill atrophy. x_x I've thought about maybe submitting essays for publication as articles anyway. But I just don't have to confidence to put my real name on anything public. Especially something as incendiary as writing. I could write an opinion piece about how much I love chocolate ice cream, and the trolls would come out of no where to tear me into pieces. I don't think my social anxiety would let life be tolerable with that.

Maybe that's why I just keep ping-pong'ing myself in limbo, doing nothing.