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heliads · 1 year ago

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I got the idea for a nina zenik x reader!! I imagine one where in KoS, nina and r work together as spies and fall in love, but since they are in fjerda, they keep everything hidden. after a while, maybe nina will propose that the two of them should go back to ravka and build a family for the two of them because she is ready to put the mourning of matthias behind and love somebody else

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Although they would not dare breathe a word of it outside the War Room of the Little Palace, the Grisha Triumvirate and the king of Ravka actually put quite a bit of thought into the predicament of who they should send as a spy to Fjerdan territory. In the end, after much deliberation, they decided to send Nina Zenik, won over by her familiarity with the Fjerdan language and culture as well as her powers as a Grisha Heartrender.

And, to appease Nina since she’ll have to tailor her image the entirety of the trip, they send you. It was judged an acceptable cost by all involved. Although Ravka would love to have your services as an expert fighter and spy within the relative safety of her borders, Zoya and Nikolai allow that having a superior inside hand in the inner workings of Fjerda wouldn’t be a terrible thing. That, and making sure Nina’s griping doesn’t cause her to lose sight of her mission.

Nina is a good spy. However, the last year has been hard for her. She was stuck in Ketterdam for the longest time, or so the official story goes, and when she came back, there was a hollowness in her eyes that wasn’t there before. You’ve known her a long time, far before she ended up taking an espionage position that ended with Zoya coming back to you saying that Nina was gone, kidnapped by the drüskelle. You knew her well enough to know that the Nina who came back to you after all those months was not the bubbly girl who waved goodbye from the window of a rolling coach until she disappeared from sight.

If you were in the mood to be selfish, you would admit that you’re pleased she’s back. Nina misses Ketterdam, even if she won’t say it to Zoya and the others. She’s told you about the life she had back there, in bits and pieces at first until it all came pouring out along with oceans worth of tears, and from what you can imagine, it would have been difficult and wild and utterly captivating.

You’ve heard countless stories of Kaz Brekker and Inej Ghafa and Jesper Fahey, Dirtyhands and his Crows, a hundred jobs that would have gone south were any other criminal leading it. She’s laughed over a Materialnik’s gambling habit, a flute player’s chemicals. She’s cried over a blond soldier who was only just starting to learn how to live without a government hell bent on forcing him into a killer and a zealot.

Sometimes, when she can’t sleep, Nina stands by the window and looks out over the Ravkan landscape that she used to know so well. She tells you that she’s surprised everything is so clear at night; she’s more accustomed to smoke and the glint of smoggy moonlight over canals. Out here, the air is barren, the hills rolling. It’s oddly natural. This is her home, but she’s called some other place that for so long that it’s strange to be back here.

Nina won’t have to deal with that strange uprooting for long, though, as both of you have shipped out to enemy territory on the king’s request. You’re not sure if Nina accepted the job because she wanted to honor Matthias’ legacy in his home country or keep running away from the life she thought they’d have in Kerch, but either way, both of you are breathing in the shocking cold of lifetimes’ worth of snow, and wondering how in all the Saints you ended up in Fjerda.

Fjerda is not a good place for two Grisha. Both of you are Tailored, but you still expect to be recognized at any moment. Nina is still unavoidably Nina Zenik, at least to you, and Nina claims that she can’t tell they made any changes other than a few superficial things, but that could just be the fact that she’s focusing on the familiar sound of your footsteps instead of glaringly obvious details like your new face.

It’s easy to focus on the Tailoring, though. It takes your attention away from the obvious, which is that both of you are in a country that wants you dead. Both for the fact that you are witches, but maybe– maybe for something else, too–

You had thought nothing of it until an old woman down the street from you took it upon herself to warn you. Nina was scouting out a nearby factory for fear of jurda parem while you stayed back near your place of lodging to keep up an alibi that both of you were totally normal. As you were walking down the street, your neighbor beckoned you over with one curling finger and told you that you would do well to keep your affection under wraps, if you knew what was good for you.

When you asked her what she was talking about, the old woman had said that you and your ‘girlfriend’ were making things a little too obvious. Dazed, you thanked her for her advice, and hurried home so you could properly stew over what she had just said. You and Nina aren’t dating, but the woman seemed so sure of herself.

It could just be one woman’s delusions, but, on second thought, you’re not entirely sure that she was wrong to suspect something. Nina is your only tie to home, and you’re Nina’s only reminder of what she had been like before every calamity in her life. Without each other, both of you would fall apart. Perhaps you’ve been acting like it for a while. Perhaps you’ve forgotten that you cannot stare at each other like you’re witnessing a sunrise and other people will not notice it.

That night, when the exhaustion of the day falls upon you, you crawl into the bed you share with Nina, mind abuzz with memories of that same conversation with the old woman. You’d like to sleep more than anything, but even despite the darkness of the late hour and all the troubles of the pervasive danger of your surroundings, you cannot persuade your eyes to stay closed for longer than a few minutes.

You’re not the only one lost in thought and unable to sleep, as it turns out. Nina tosses and turns next to you, clearly anxious. It’s enough to make you forget your own concerns and look over at her instead.

Your voice, although barely louder than a whisper, seems to boom in the empty room. “Is everything alright, Nina?”

You can hear the rustle of hair against the bedclothes as she shakes her head. “Not in the slightest. This place is messing with my head.”

You shudder slightly. “Trust me, I get it.”

She shakes her head. “No, it’s more than just the mission or the anti-Grisha stuff. It’s– Saints, Y/N, he’s everywhere here. Matthias. Everything reminds me of him. Every child I pass on the street has his eyes.”

You should be a supportive friend, but you can’t help but feel your mood sour when she brings up Matthias. Even if that old woman were right– even if you were to love Nina, which you’re fairly certain would be a far easier task than it strictly should be– you would never be able to do a thing with it. Nina’s heart seems made up on Matthias. There is no room in all her grief for you.

“You miss him,” you say simply, “You’re in mourning, Nina. That’s understandable.”

Quiet for a moment, then: “No. That’s the worst part. I don’t feel as much grief as I should. It should tear me apart, shouldn’t it? I see young men who look like him, and I think about him, but it’s a quiet feeling. Not terrible.”

“It’s okay to move on,” you whisper. “That doesn’t make you an awful person.”

“Doesn’t it?” She asks.

“Nina, he died months ago. That’s not enough for the grief to leave you, which is why you’re still thinking about him, especially here, but enough to give you a head start to try. Moving on is always easier than we think it should be. It’s not sacrilege to spend your days doing something other than crying yourself to pieces. That doesn’t ruin his legacy, it just means that time has passed.”

Nina sighs, and the sound seems to engulf the entire room. “Shouldn’t it hurt forever, though? I mean, I was weeping when we buried him in Ketterdam. We all were. I thought that part would last until I died too.”

You reach out into the blind darkness to take her hand. “You have been through terrible things, Nina, but you don’t have to feel terrible forever. You lost Matthias, yes, and you lost your friends in Ketterdam, but you’re allowed to feel happy at some point in your life.”

“I didn’t lose my friends,” Nina points out, her tone suddenly edgy. “I can’t lose them. They wouldn’t do that to me.”

You keep your voice light, careful not to disturb her anymore. “I didn’t mean that you’d lost them like that, just that you’ve separated. That’s all.”

Nina sits up, looking intently down at you. “No, you don’t get it. We didn’t fall apart because it was bad. We didn’t fall apart at all. It just ended. Not because of us.”

You nod your head as much as you can while still lying down. “I know, Nina. I know.”

Her voice is insistent when it sounds again out of the darkness of your shared bedroom. “It wasn’t our fault. We could go back if we wanted to. It’s just that we all had different things to do, you see. We grew up, I guess. We went our separate ways. That doesn’t mean we like each other any less.”

You sit up next to her. Now that the two of you are on eye level, you can see that she’s shaking slightly, her pupils dilated, the green of her irises darker than you’ve ever seen them. “It wasn’t our fault,” she repeats, “None of us wanted to go. We just did.”

You reach out an arm, and for the briefest of moments before you touch skin and fabric, it feels as if you might go on leaning out forever, contacting only the chilly darkness of a room in Fjerda that belongs to neither of you, yearning for someone who is across a sea in mind and perhaps, if she got her way, in body, too. Then your hand meets her shoulder and you can pull her close, staving off the memories of good times that ended until both of you can relax enough to rest.

“They are good friends, aren’t they?” You ask her, voice muffled as you press your lips against the top of her head.

“The very best,” she whispers back. “I’ve met no one else like them.”

You pull back slightly so she can see the teasing expression on your face, and do your best impression of the prepubescent fishmonger who keeps trying to flirt with both of you whenever you leave your house. “Not even me?”

She laughs, knowing what you’re getting at, and pokes you in the ribs. “You’re different. They were family. You’re more.”

This makes you go quiet all of a sudden. Nina, taking advantage of the cessation of voices, pulls you back down to the bed, and she’s asleep in minutes, arms still wrapped around your frame. You, on the other hand, stay awake for far longer than you should, just turning over the words in your head. You’re more, she had said. More than what? More than her crows, which you had assumed had an unshakeable grasp over her heart?

You think about the next day, then the next day, then the next. The weeks turn into months. You stay in Fjerda. Both of you work on your espionage, sending as many secrets to Ravka as you can. There are near misses and close calls, hundreds of them until you’re sure you’ll get caught before you ever get to see your home again.

And then you’re standing the deck of a ship, and a friend both of you like named Hanne Brum has managed to insert herself into the Fjerdan monarchy enough to take over the throne and herald a new era of positive relations with Grisha and Ravka alike, and it occurs to you that maybe, just maybe, you have won.

Nina stands with you. She doesn’t leave you. Neither of you like being without each other for a long time. It reminds you of dark nights when you were never certain that one of you hadn’t gotten caught by the drüskelle and killed. The tension of a thousand cold nights will never leave you, but maybe you will be able to rest again soon. Maybe, you’ll remember what it’s like to live without always looking over your shoulder.

Nina will be able to help with that. You confessed your feelings to her when they became unavoidable. She wasn’t able to answer them at first, but in time, Nina was able to let go of her ghosts and admit the same to you. She will never be rid of Matthias’ memory, but she doesn’t want to be. She just wants to live a good life with you, and she thinks her old lover would want that for her, too.

Sapphire waves course below you. “Can you believe we’re going back?” You ask her.

Nina shakes her head. “I feel like I’ve lived half my life on a ship. Landing always seems strange.”

You chuckle. “Very poetic. If you like, we can go take a victory tour to the Wandering Isle or something. Just so you can get your fill of travel.”

Nina shudders. “No, thank you. My hair is best when not tinged with salt water.”

You kiss her cheek. “I happen to think your hair is best all the time, thank you very much.”

“I agree,” she hums, “but I’ll still be glad to see dry land. I think I’d like to stay in Ravka for a while, actually. Set down roots or something cute like that.”

You smile. “That sounds nice. I might join you in temporary retirement, at least until Zoya calls us back to duty.”

Nina leans her shoulder into yours. “Bold of you to assume you weren’t included in my happily ever after in the first place. I don’t think I want to live without you. Not to be dramatic, of course.”

You pretend to frown. “Not to be dramatic? Who are you and what have you done with my lovely Nina Zenik?”

She grins. “Maybe you’re right. A little bit of drama can’t hurt.”

“That’s what I thought,” you hum.

Despite your teasing, you think Nina is exactly right. You can have a quiet life for a little while. You have no doubt that Ravka will need your help again, likely sooner than you think, but for now, you’re at peace, both of you. You’d like to explore life with Nina without having to fear for your lives. You happen to think that it’ll be very good indeed.

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