#grief guilt anger excitement love sadness

[dragons-in-spaceee]

Okay pls I need opinions on what ghost drifting is like - are fully formed thoughts shared? Sentences? Images? Just flashes of abstract ideas or emotions? Can it be controlled? Are only strong thoughts and feelings transmitted? Or does it occur randomly? I’ve read many versions in fics but I need Thoughts on this

[punkshort]

Evergreen | Chapter Two: Anger

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Chapter Summary: After his brother knocks some sense into him, Joel apologizes and you both decide to take things slow... until an unexpected guest arrives at the very worst time.

Chapter Warnings: language, angst, grief, mentions of OC deaths, mostly Joel POV but it swaps back and forth, smutty thoughts, fluff, really super soft Joel, sexual tension

WC: 10.7K

Series Masterlist

Idiot, idiot, idiot.

Oh, you stupid fucking idiot.

Joel somehow drove himself back home, but he couldn't remember a single second of the drive. He had been on autopilot while his mind replayed that moment with you over and over and over again. The way you smelled, the way your soft lips felt pressed against his, the way your hand caressed his cheek. Shock was too small a word to describe how he felt. He was so damn rusty and so taken aback that he knew he didn't handle it right. Your face was filled with shame and embarrassment, apologies tumbling from your lips while he just fucking sat there in a stunned silence. Eventually, he jumped up and raked his fingers through his hair, looking everywhere but at you until he mumbled something about needing to go.

Of course, you still insisted he take the leftovers home. Another reminder of how kind and generous you were, so what the hell were you doing kissing someone like him? You could have anyone you wanted. You had your whole life ahead of you.

Fuck! He should have said something. He shouldn't have let you spiral. He barely remembered to thank you before he left. Did he even say good bye?

Too late now.

Once he was safely parked in his driveway, he slumped against the steering wheel and closed his eyes. His body sagged under the weight of the past hour, the internal war he was fighting making him weak. So weak that he was beginning to fantasize about the way you said his name and how beautiful your eyes were when you looked at him. Would it be so horrible? Would it be so inconceivable that someone like you would be interested in someone like him?

Maybe he was going crazy.

He couldn't remember the last time he ever felt like this. Did he ever feel like this before?

Guilt coursed through his veins at the mere thought. What a horrible fucking person he must be to think his late wife never made him feel wanted, desired, excited. She did, surely. It was just so long ago and it was tough, in the beginning. Money was tight and Mia struggled to keep a steady job during record high unemployment rates. It was stressful and hard but they still loved each other deeply.

Sure, maybe passion was put on the back burner for a while. But he always knew how she felt about him and vice versa. There was a comfort in that type of love. A peace.

But he found a sense of peace when he was with you, too. How was that possible?

He dragged himself out of his truck, carrying the leftovers under one arm while he fiddled with his keys, searching for the right one to unlock his front door. He could smell the fried chicken even though it was sealed up tight and he immediately thought about you moving around your kitchen, looking like an absolute natural. You didn't have any cookbooks out or timers on. Hell, you probably didn't even use measuring spoons. He could tell you meant it when you said you liked to cook. Even if it wasn't evident by the way you breezed around the room, the love you had for it certainly came through in the final product.

As he packed the food away in his refrigerator, the previous contents looking sad and questionable, he tried to remember the last time he had such a good meal that didn't require him to have to sit down at a restaurant.

His landline rang after he had gotten out of the shower. The entire time he was hard as a rock but he absolutely refused to touch himself. He knew if he did, his mind would immediately drift to you, and he was ashamed enough as it was that there was no use adding to it.

"Yeah?" he asked gruffly, knowing full well only a handful of people called his house phone over his cell.

"Hey brother, how was your date?"

Joel cringed and sat down on the edge of his bed. "It wasn't a date."

"Oh, right, sorry. Forgot. Pick up anythin' interesting to read, then?"

"Fuck!" Joel exclaimed, slapping his forehead with his palm. "I forgot the goddamn books!"

Tommy chuckled through the phone. "Alright. You tell me it ain't a date, now you're tellin' me you forgot the books. So what the hell was it?"

"We looked at the books, I had 'em all picked out, just... forgot," he grumbled.

"Sounds like you'll have to see her again, don't it?"

"Tommy, I ain't in the fuckin' mood," Joel warned, falling back onto his bed in a huff.

"The hell's got you all twisted 'round for?" Tommy demanded on the other end.

Joel chewed on the inside of his cheek, his eyes darting around his room while he quickly weighed the pros and cons of confiding in his brother before sighing and giving in.

"Alright. Do not tell Sarah what I'm 'bout to tell you."

"Cross my heart."

Joel gave him the bullet points of the evening, making sure to leave out his true feelings on the matter so he could hopefully get some unbiased advice.

"Joel, you ain't gonna like what I'm gonna say."

"Just say it," Joel groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and bracing for the verbal thrashing he deserved.

"I think you oughta go for it."

Joel's eyes snapped open in surprise. "What?"

"Go for it. She likes you, I'm pretty sure you like her or else you wouldn't be this torn up over one little kiss. I think it'll be good for you both."

"Tommy, she's thirty-one," he began, but he was immediately cut off.

"She's an adult, Joel. She's been through shit, you've been through shit. She sounds sweet and kind. Worst case scenario, you just provide a little comfort for each other and maybe help heal some old wounds."

Joel thought it over for a moment, listening to ice clinking in a glass on the other end. "And best case scenario?"

He could practically hear Tommy's smile before he even spoke.

"Best case scenario, you fall in love and live happily ever after."

You had told yourself you wouldn't let it bother you, that you wouldn't let yourself get nervous, but the following week you found yourself doing exactly that. More specifically, sitting in the parking lot of the familiar, run down little brick building you'd been going to for months, tapping your fingers anxiously against your leg as your eyes drifted between the books piled on your passenger seat and the front door of the building.

With a sigh, you resigned yourself and turned your car off. Checking your hair once more in the mirror, you opened the door to your SUV and slid out. Locking the doors with the push of a button and an expensive sounding chirp, you made your way to the entrance, nodding occasionally when you saw a familiar face but never spotting the face you yearned to see.

Guilt-addled, you sat through the hour long meeting, hardly listening to a word anybody said.

He didn't show.

You swallowed tightly and stared at your hands, at the large diamond on your left ring finger, at the pale pink polish on your nails that matched your toes. And you waited. For what, you weren't sure. Maybe a sign. A sign to remain in Texas and not move back home, like your mother and father were begging you to do.

Moments before the meeting wrapped up, a nimble, lean body plopped itself in the empty chair next to you.

"Shit, I got the time wrong, didn't I?"

You looked up to see a girl no older than twenty sitting next to you, with piercing green eyes and brown hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. She was wearing a worn T-shirt and converse sneakers and you thought you could see the beginnings of an arm tattoo hiding at the cuff of her sleeve.

"Yeah, it's about to end," you told her. She groaned and slumped down in her chair.

"Shit," she repeated with a sigh.

Ryan ended the meeting like he usually did; a reminder of cards in the back of the room and the offering of an ear to bend afterwards. The room collectively stood and stretched, a low murmur rippling throughout the cinderblock walls.

"I'm Ellie," she said abruptly, shoving out her hand to you unceremoniously. "Both my parents kicked it."

You blinked rapidly in shock, then slowly extended your own hand and offered her your name. "I lost my fiancé last year."

"Man, that stinks. Sorry," she said, rolling her shoulder and glancing around. "How'd he go?"

"Car accident," you told her, finding it strangely easy to say the words you struggled with for a year. "And I was in the car," you added, watching her face contort in pain.

"Fuck, dude," she whispered, shaking her head.

"What about you? How'd your parents pass?"

"Plane crash. Their bodies were ripped to shreds on impact, couldn't even find enough for their coffins. Had to fill them with pictures and clothes and shit so it felt like we had something to bury."

Your eyes widened and you felt your breath get caught in your throat. "Oh my god, Ellie, that's horrible!"

She cracked a smile and burst out laughing. "I'm messing with you. I just felt like I had to one up you or something. Lung cancer: they were both huge smokers, wasn't exactly a shock."

"Jesus!" you sputtered, then began to laugh behind your hand. Never once had anyone made you feel like death could be a joking matter but there was something different about Ellie. You knew deep down it had to be a coping mechanism, but damn if it wasn't better than crying for once.

You followed her to the back of the room and weaved your way through the stragglers to survey the snack table. Each of you grabbed a donut and some bottles of water before finding a quiet corner to eat.

"This is your first meeting, I take it?"

She nodded, mouth full of a strawberry donut. "My family told me I should go."

"Yeah? Mine too," you said, ripping off a piece of the pastry and popping it into your mouth.

"Does it help?" she asked.

You sighed and looked around. "Yeah, but it takes a while. I think it helps to know you're not alone."

She nodded and shoved the rest of the donut in her mouth. "What'd your fiancé do for work?"

You brightened up at that. "He was an author. The Crimson Stone, ever heard of it?"

Her jaw dropped and her eyes bugged out of her head. "Daniel Davis was your fiancé?!" You nodded and grinned. "Holy shit! I love his work! That series got me through some tough shit in high school. Man... what a world," she said, voice filled with disbelief.

"Well, if you like it that much, I have an unpublished manuscript of his for the next book in the series. It's just a first draft meant for his editor, but if you wanted a copy-"

"Yes!" she exclaimed happily. "Yes! Please! Oh my god, you fucking rock!"

You giggled and shrugged. "I'll bring it next week if you'll be here? Or if you want it sooner, you can stop by my house."

She nodded eagerly. "Can I, like... give you money or something for it?"

You instantly shook your head. "No, no! Daniel loved his stories and just wanted to share them with the world. The fact he made any money from it was just a bonus. He would have wanted you to have it."

"Wow," she breathed, tossing her plate in the trash and dusting her hands on the sides of her jeans. "You're pretty fucking cool."

"Thanks," you grinned, tossing your plate as well and nodding towards the door. "You heading out?"

"Yeah," she said, following you and swiping one of Ryan's cards from the table in the process. You stepped out into the parking lot, the air significantly cooler than before now that the sun was beginning to set. You took a step towards the parked cars, then stopped when you realized Ellie wasn't following. Turning around, you saw her unlock a padlock from the front tire of a black mountain bike, the sight filling you with alarm.

"You rode your bike here?"

She nodded and yanked it from the bike rack before snatching the helmet from the handlebars and tossing it casually on her head.

"Yeah, I don't live too far away, I like to bike whenever I can. It's better for the environment."

You couldn't explain the sudden urge to protect someone you just met. Maybe knowing she lost both her parents at such a young age made you offer her a ride, telling her she could fit the bike in the back of your SUV, but she just shook her head.

"Thanks, but I'm alright."

"But it's dark," you protested. Ellie chuckled and swung a leg over the seat.

"It's not that dark. I'm, like, a ten minute ride to my apartment. Promise I'll be okay."

You worried your lower lip and was once again ready to insist you take her home, your arm lifting to point in the direction of your car when you saw him. Even from across the parking lot, you recognized those broad shoulders and greying curls leaning against the hood of your car with his arms crossed, watching you both.

"See ya at the next one," Ellie said, and before you could get your bearings, she was off.

You turned once to watch her pedal through the parking lot in the direction of her home, then turned back around, wondering if he had been a mirage, but no. He still stood there, patiently waiting for you. And it wasn't until you were roughly ten feet away that you noticed the bag of your clean tupperware at his feet.

"Thought I scared you off," you joked, ignoring the tremor in your voice. He smiled and dropped his gaze to the pavement.

"Nah," he said softly, twisting his mouth to the side as he scuffed the tip of his boot into the loose asphalt. "Came to apologize. I was rude 'n you did so much for me, felt horrible all week."

"You don't need to apologize," you said, wrapping your arms around yourself. "I'm the one who should apologize. I obviously read things wrong -"

"No, you didn't."

Your eyes went wide and you froze, waiting for him to continue.

"You didn't," he repeated again before dragging his eyes back up. "I just... you... and I'm..." he huffed and scratched the back of his neck nervously. "You got me all twisted up," he admitted shyly with a pink tint to his cheeks.

You laughed, a pretty little sound he very much wanted to hear again, and took a tentative step closer.

"Twisted up? Is that some southern thing?"

He grinned and shrugged. "Suppose I coulda said you knocked me on my ass but I was tryin' to be a gentleman."

You coyly bit your lip, enjoying how bashful he was being.

"Well, you got me twisted up, too," you told him, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks.

He chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets while he stared at you, still unwilling to believe someone as pretty and sweet as you would be interested in him.

He couldn't help it. He had to bring up the elephant in the room.

"You're so young, darlin'," he said as if you didn't already know. "And so beautiful. You don't want me. My life's half over."

You frowned, eyebrows furrowed as if that was the most offensive thing he could ever utter.

"You see me," you told him sternly. "Nobody really sees me but you see me. You remembered how I took my coffee after meeting me once. You appreciate the little things, like... genuinely appreciate them. And you listen to me, Joel. You let me cry, some girl you had just met, and you comforted me. Did you know no one else, not even my own family, bothers to do that? They just avoid the topic of Daniel all together now so they don't have to deal with me being a little fucking sad now and again."

Your eyes stung with unshed tears as you stood before him, begging him to see what you saw in him. And even then, he listened and he cared and his face softened with sadness when you told him the part about your family.

"You're doing it right now and you don't even see it," you laughed. One tear trickled down your cheek and you quickly brushed it away. "You're such a good man. How could I not be attracted to you?"

He scoffed but the corner of his mouth curled up into a half smile.

"Well..." he said, trailing off and fixing his gaze back on his shoes. What could he possibly not understand? But then it dawned on you - he had just told you he never dated again after his wife. Maybe he wasn't ready. Shit.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable," you told him softly. "If this isn't something you're ready for, we can stay friends. That is, if you want. No hard feelings. I even have the books for Sarah in the front seat."

You pointed and took a step towards the passenger door when he stopped you.

"I like you," he said, his beautiful brown eyes all soft and gentle as he looked at you. "But I'm rusty. Real rusty. Like... there ain't no savin' it kind of rusty."

You giggled and a big smile stretched across his face.

"Let's go slow," you suggested, reaching out for his hand. He met you halfway, fingers lacing together with yours, rough skin against soft. "Let's just take it at our own pace and not put any pressure on it," you added, smiling at the way your hands fit so nicely together. "Then we can just... see what happens."

He nodded slowly, his limbs growing heavy and relaxed from the sound of your sweet voice but heart pumping strong and fast behind his chest with excitement. His gaze flickered around the now nearly empty parking lot before his eyes found yours.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked, immediately feeling foolish for asking. Women don't want some nervous idiot asking if they could kiss them, what was he thinking? But then your shoulders sagged with relief and your smile stretched so far, it made your eyes squint as you closed the small gap between you.

"Yes, please."

He breathed a sigh of relief and shifted his weight, dropping your hand so he could gently cup your cheeks with both palms. His eyes raked over your face for a moment, memorizing every birthmark, scar and wrinkle before sliding his eyes closed and brushing his lips tenderly over your own.

You immediately responded, massaging his lips carefully, slowly, while your hands came to rest at his waist. You had to crane your neck at an unusual angle in order to accommodate his tall frame and you smiled to yourself, thinking I could get used to this.

He pulled back for just a moment, tilting his head to the other side before eagerly pressing his lips against yours again. The lip balm you used tasted sweet and soft and he knew right away he would be thinking about the flavor for the rest of the night. His exhale fanned over your cheek, causing a shiver to race down your spine, which only encouraged him further. He peppered feather light kisses against your lips for as long as the sun let him, until it grew dark and the crickets came out to sing. And only then did he pull back, each of you a little breathless and pink in the face but sporting huge grins as you gazed at one another in an entirely new light.

This was the start of something exciting.

The following morning, Joel woke up with the sun and a huge smile. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so energized, so happy, and so excited to start the day. He wandered around his kitchen, drinking coffee and tidying up, killing time before he had to get ready for work when a strange idea struck him: maybe he should go for a run.

He looked down at his soft belly. He patted it through his shirt and felt it jiggle, then he cringed. He really ought to take care of himself more, especially now that he's older. If he wasn't interested in a diet, the least he could do is take care of his heart with a little cardio.

What was the harm? He could keep it short, just twenty minutes. Enough to get his blood pumping. He knew for sure that Sarah would be proud.

Maybe you would, too.

He dug around in the back of his closet for some basketball shorts and put them on before he lost his nerve, then he stepped out onto his porch and looked around while he did some stretches. It was quiet, hardly anyone was up yet. At least he would have some privacy if he ended up doubled over after jogging for five minutes.

It turned out, running was a lot fucking harder than he thought. His lungs burned and his muscles ached and he was only halfway done, but he kept his eye on the prize. He told himself if he wanted to be spoiled on your incredible cooking, then he had to compensate somehow. Hell, maybe exercising would give him a little more energy. One of the guys from work was an avid runner and around Joel's age. He was always talking about the incredible benefits: the endorphins, the boost in self-esteem, the improvement in his sleep... his increased sex drive.

That wasn't why Joel was running, but it would be a nice little added perk. Not that he needed help getting hard, but he was a little concerned about potentially having sex again for the first time in a fucking decade. God, just thinking about the embarrassment he would feel if he couldn't last long enough to make you feel good made his feet move faster and his spine straighten.

When he rounded the corner, his house finally in sight, he felt a second wave kick in. His sneakers slapped loudly on the asphalt, the sound echoing in his ears, breath bursting in short puffs as he got closer and closer to his destination. He finally arrived, slowing to a stop to lean against his mailbox to catch his breath. He hurt but he felt good. Maybe he could make it part of his new routine. Surely, each day would become easier and easier the more his body strengthened. Joel took one last deep breath and turned to walk up his driveway, only to skid to a dead stop when he noticed Tommy's truck parked against the garage.

Shit. He completely forgot they were driving to a site together that morning. Joel glanced at his watch and walked up the little path leading to his front door, then twisted the knob to enter.

"Tommy?"

"Kitchen," he called. Joel heard mugs clinking and his refrigerator opening as he toed off his sneakers and, on shaky legs, walked into his kitchen.

Tommy did a double take when he saw Joel, nearly dropping his coffee on the tile floor.

"You were out runnin'? Since when?"

"Since today," Joel said, sitting down with a deep groan. "I still got time to shower, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm early," Tommy replied before pulling out a chair for himself. "What the hell's gotten into you?"

"Can't just take care of myself a bit?" Joel countered, snatching a napkin and wiping the sweat from the sides of his face.

Tommy took a sip of coffee before answering. "Well, sure, I mean... that's great. Sarah's gonna love to hear 'bout this. Just a little strange that-"

His brother stopped, the gears in his head turning as he slowly figured it out.

"It's the girl, right?"

He had a shit eating grin on his face when Joel looked up from the table and shrugged.

"Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout."

"The girl! The girl with the books and chicken and dead husband."

"Fiancé," Joel corrected, then immediately regretted it when Tommy snapped his fingers as if he were caught red-handed.

"It is her! You wanna look good for your girlfriend, don't you?"

Joel cringed at the word girlfriend, feeling way too old to use that term, but he remained silent and focused on tearing up his napkin. Tommy watched him for a moment longer, expecting Joel to correct him again, and when he didn't, Tommy sat back in his chair, waiting.

"She didn't ask me to or nothin'," Joel finally mumbled. "Just wanna take care of myself."

Tommy's eyebrows raised in surprise when Joel didn't deny his girlfriend comment.

"This mean you finally took some advice I gave you? You two talk things out?"

He shrugged, still looking down at the table, but Tommy saw the corner of Joel's mouth twitch. He grinned and leaned forward excitedly.

"That's great, brother. It's 'bout time you got back out there."

"Do not tell Sarah," Joel warned once again. Tommy held up his hands and shook his head.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

"'Cause I gotta tell her. It's gotta come from me, and I wanna do it my own way."

"I get it."

Joel sighed and absentmindedly scratched his beard.

"She ain't gonna like it," he finally said, filling the silence in the room. Tommy frowned.

"Why the hell not?"

"'Cause," Joel said, "the age thing. She's-"

"Oh, come on," Tommy interrupted with a dismissive wave of his hand, but Joel shook his head.

"Nah, Tommy, I mean it. It'll be hard enough for her to hear I'm datin' anyone at all, let alone someone closer in age to her than me."

"I think you're wrong," he said, standing up to rinse out his mug in the sink.

"Yeah, well, you don't know her like I know her," Joel said with a groan when he stood up from the table. "She'll be home to visit in a month. If things are still goin' good, I'll tell her then."

Tommy was about to say something else when Joel walked stiffly toward the stairs, announcing he was going to take a quick shower, so he decided to drop it. But when he heard the water turn on above his head, he quickly pulled out his phone and dialed Maria's number, too excited and happy for his brother to keep the news to himself.

"How're your classes? You ain't skippin' any, are you?"

Sarah giggled on the other end. "No, Dad. You know I wouldn't waste my scholarship like that."

"Good girl," he praised, smiling into the phone that was tucked between his shoulder and ear while he chopped up peppers and onions. Sarah could hear the thunk of his knife hitting the wooden cutting board and she gasped.

"Oh my god, are you cooking?" she squealed excitedly. Joel chuckled then frowned when he looked at his work and realized all the strips of green pepper were different sizes.

"Yeah, makin', uh, stir fry."

"Wow!" Sarah said excitedly. "Vegetables and everything! I'm so proud of you."

Joel laughed and rinsed his knife in the sink. "Just you wait til I tell you what else I've been doin'."

"Hmm," she replied, pretending to think. Joel could practically see her tap her chin thoughtfully and roll her eyes to the ceiling. "Going to group?"

"Well, yeah, I have," he admitted, thinking back on earlier in the week when you had gone to counseling together. "Met someone," he said before he could stop himself, voice catching in his throat, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her about you just yet. He needed to do it in person. Just two more weeks and she would come home for the weekend. "Girl 'bout your age, named Ellie. Met through someone else, she's, uh, little rough 'round the edges. Both her parents passed so I imagine that takes its toll. But she's real funny. Think you'd get along."

"That's great, Dad. I'm glad you made a friend," Sarah replied, her sincerity coming through the phone.

"That's not what I was gonna tell you, though," Joel said, drizzling too much olive oil in a pan. He made a face and grabbed a wad of paper towels to soak some of it up. "Been runnin' in the mornin' 'fore work."

"Holy shit!" Sarah practically shouted.

"Language," he warned.

"I'm sorry, Dad, but I think you jogging warrants a holy shit!"

Joel laughed heartily at that. She wasn't wrong.

"Yeah, well, figured I oughta start takin' care of myself a bit."

He could hear her smile when she said, "Dad, you have no idea how happy this makes me. I've been so worried about you being lonely after I left but it sounds like you're actually doing better than when I lived at home!"

"Nah, I'll never do as good as when I got you, baby girl," Joel corrected her, then did a double take when he noticed the time on his microwave. "Shit. I, uh, I gotta go, honey. Can I call you tomorrow?"

Sarah paused, wanting to ask what he could possibly have to do if all he said he was doing was making dinner. Then a slow smile stretched across her face.

"Are you... dating someone?"

"W-what?" Joel stammered, face as white as a ghost. How the hell-

"Is it Ms. Palmer from up the street? I know she's always had a crush on you."

"N-no, it ain't, there's no-"

His doorbell rang and Sarah grinned.

"I'll let you get to your date," she teased.

"Sarah, it-"

"Bye, Dad! Talk to you tomorrow!"

The line went dead before Joel could get another word in edgewise. Well, at least it wouldn't be a huge surprise when he eventually told her.

He didn't have time to worry much. He tossed his phone on the counter and threw a towel over his shoulder so he could wipe his hands as he walked to the door, swinging it open with a huge grin because there you were, waiting for him and looking so goddamn beautiful in a light pink dress.

"Hi," you said, the pitch in your voice giving away your excitement to see him. His mind still couldn't grapple with the idea of someone like you looking at him the way you were, but every time he saw you, it became a little more believable.

"Hey," he replied, opening the door wider for you to squeeze past him. You took one step inside and gave him a quick peck on the lips before sliding off your shoes and padding into the kitchen. It was only after he closed the door did he register you were holding a bag.

"Did you cook for me?" you exclaimed, slowly setting your bag on the counter and staring in awe at the vegetables sautéing on the stove.

Joel grinned and gave you a half hearted shrug. "Wanted to return the favor for all the great food you cook for me."

You turned to look at him, eyes wide and filled with emotion. "This is so sweet, Joel, but you know I don't mind cooking."

"I know, but you deserve a night off," he said, brushing past you to stir the vegetables. You leaned back against the counter, one ankle crossed over the other with your lower lip pulled between your teeth as you watched him work. He was clearly out of his element, cursing under his breath when the oil popped and burnt his forearm while trying to keep an eye on both the steak and the vegetables.

It was adorable.

"Let me help," you offered, washing your hands before grabbing a clean mixing spoon. He almost declined your offer until he realized he was in over his head and didn't have a backup plan if the food burned, so he let you jump in.

First thing you did was turn down the heat on both burners, making the loud crackling of oil quiet right down. It eventually got to the point where Joel was just following your instructions - start boiling water for the rice, make sure you measure the water. The lid needs to stay on, honey. Do you have any seasonings? How about mustard and soy sauce? And honey? No, I mean actual honey.

You giggled as you watched him hurry around his kitchen, opening and closing cabinets and waiting for your next request. Finally, you set your spoon down and cupped his cheek, giving him the sweetest smile followed by the sweetest kiss and the request to set the table and relax.

"What's in the bag?" Joel asked when you brought two steaming plates of stir fry over to the table. You drizzled a homemade sauce over each plate before tucking the dress of your skirt under your legs and sitting down next to him.

"I thought I was cooking," you said, picking up your fork. "I brought some supplies, but this was lovely. I'll just put it away for next time."

Oh, Joel liked that. He really, really liked the idea of you bringing things to his house, getting familiar with your surroundings and feeling comfortable there with him. It had only been two weeks but things were going so well. You made him unbearably happy and he tried his best to do the same for you because he was quickly realizing he would be crushed if he lost you. How the hell did that happen so fast?

You took your first bite of steak and made a pleased sound, raising your eyebrows at him with a little smile.

"You did most of the work," he said before you could speak.

"Not true. I just stirred a few things and sprinkled a couple other things. You picked out the steak. You marinated it, cubed it up and cooked most of it. You did great, I love it," you told him earnestly before leaning over to give him another kiss.

God, you were the sweetest thing. He couldn't get enough.

"How's the running going?" you asked before lifting another forkful of food.

"Good," Joel replied, wiping the corner of his mouth with a napkin. "Think my body's gettin' used to it now. Don't hurt as much anymore."

"That's great! Maybe we can go for a walk after dinner. I'd offer to run with you one of these mornings but there's no way I can get up that early," you said with a giggle.

He nodded and dropped his gaze to his plate. You had agreed to take things slow and it was working out beautifully. But that also meant your dates never ended with either of you staying the night, which was perfectly fine with Joel. He was still self-conscious about his age and physique, and even though he knew you wouldn't ever be that shallow, it still weighed heavily in the back of his mind. He couldn't help it.

"Sounds nice. Maybe squeeze in a movie if there's time."

"It's my turn to pick," you teased, poking him in the arm with your finger.

"Y'know you can pick all of 'em. I don't care what we watch, so long as I'm watchin' it with you," he said. It took him about thirty seconds to realize you had stopped eating and were giving him this look he couldn't pinpoint. His eyes bounced between yours, scanning your face and watching your expression wilt right in front of him. Your eyebrows drew together and tears welled up in your eyes. Panic shot through him, wondering what on earth he said to make you cry as he dropped his fork with a loud clatter to grab your hands.

"What'd I say?" he whispered, feeling your fingers squeeze his before ripping one hand away to swipe at a stray tear.

"Nothing. It's just... I don't remember the last time I've heard anyone... I miss having someone..." you sniffled and wiped away another tear while Joel patiently waited for you to continue. You took a shaky breath and gave him a little smile when you said, "You make me really happy, Joel."

He grinned and gently cupped your cheek, cleaning up your tears with his thumb.

"You make me really happy, too, sweetheart."

His deep brown eyes reflected little specks of gold under the soft lighting from his kitchen as you gazed at one another. When you lost Daniel, you never thought you'd ever be able to move on, and you were okay with that. He gave you some of the most wonderful years of your life and you were grateful for every second, knowing full well there were others out there in the world who may never feel how he made you felt.

And then you met Joel and ever since, he had you wondering how lightning could possibly strike twice.

"C'mon, pretty girl. Eat up so we can take a walk 'fore the sun sets," he said. His rough fingers traced down your jaw, then gave your chin a little pinch before letting you go to pick up his fork. The rest of the dinner was relatively silent, except for the music playing quietly somewhere on his kitchen counter. You reveled in the simplicity of it. Grateful for the peace and enjoying his company.

After you cleaned the dishes together, you slipped your shoes back on and allowed Joel to take your hand so he could lead you down his front steps towards the sidewalk.

"We can just go 'round the block 'fore it gets too cold," he offered, giving your hand a little squeeze when you playfully knocked your hip into him. "So, how was your day? What'd you do?" Joel asked. You bit down on the inside of your cheek, wondering if it was too soon to share with him the biggest stressor in your life at the moment. Well, it had been longer than a moment. But when he looked at you with the kindest smile and the softest eyes, you knew nothing would scare him away.

"Well," you began, and Joel could immediately tell by your tone that something was bothering you. His eyebrows pinched together and his smile faded. "I had a meeting today... with my lawyer."

"Lawyer?" Joel repeated, and you nodded.

"I've been stuck in this horrible legal battle with Daniel's family for months," you said, keeping your eyes fixed straight ahead. "His family wants a piece of his estate and he left it all to me. They're saying because we weren't legally married yet, that I'm not owed one hundred percent, but he had a will. He was very clear, and -" you cut yourself off and glanced up at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, darlin'," Joel said, "You can tell me or don't tell me, whatever you want. But if you wanna talk 'bout it, I'm ready to listen."

You gave him a grateful smile and sighed.

"It's such a nightmare. I just want to move on but it feels like this never ending back and forth with them is reopening the wound every single time, you know?"

You went on to tell him Daniel ended up leaving you... a lot of money. So much that you didn't have to work, although you had always planned on finding a job just to keep busy and make friends in a city where you knew nobody, you had just never gotten around to it.

"Well, y'know me now," Joel offered with a lopsided grin. You smiled and wrapped both your arms around one of his as he led you back up his driveway. The sky had turned a brilliant orange and pink color as the sun began to dip below the trees. In the distance, you could hear mothers calling out the door for their children to come home from playing with their friends in the neighboring woods that were beginning to grow dark.

"It's so peaceful here," you told him, slinking down into the bench he had on his front porch. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, tugging you into his side and smiled at a pair of siblings racing down the street on their bikes to get home before sundown.

"It is. Was a good spot for Sarah to grow up."

You tilted your chin up, admiring the way the setting sun reflected on his skin, all bronzed from working outdoors day after day.

"How's she doing? How's school?"

"Good. Was talkin' to her right before you came." Joel paused and pressed a kiss to your forehead. "She was excited I was cookin' vegetables and workin' out a bit. Said she worries 'bout me."

"She sounds so sweet. You did a good job raising her," you told him sincerely. It was moments like that one on his porch that you thought you missed more than anything. There was something so deeply comforting about having someone to talk about your day with, someone to listen to all the mundane details as well as all your fears and worries. Before Joel, you would have probably been puttering around your kitchen looking for something to do, or having yet another agonizing conversation with your mother over the phone.

"No pressure, but, uh..." Joel began with an awkward clearing of his throat. A little smile tugged at your lips as you watched him nervously pick at something on his jeans. "Sarah comes home in two weeks. Was gonna take that time and tell her 'bout you. Maybe we can all go to dinner or somethin'?" he offered, words rushing together at the end of his sentence. "If it's too fast or you ain't ready or -"

"I would love to," you interrupted. He looked up from his lap, eyes all bright with a grin to match.

"Yeah?"

You nodded, then giggled when he wrapped his hand around the back of your neck to pull you in for a deep kiss. His tongue slipped past your lips and for one heated moment, you forgot you were on his front porch for his entire neighborhood to see. You pulled away with a gasp when he began to get carried away and about to suggest going inside when a woman's voice called over from the sidewalk.

"Evenin', Joel."

Joel's grin melted when he turned to see Ms. Palmer walking her little French bulldog past the house. The look of distaste on her face told him she witnessed a little more than what was deemed appropriate and he felt his cheeks grow hot.

"Evenin'," he said sheepishly, raising a hand up in greeting. Her eyes flickered back and forth between him and you before turning her nose up in the air and urging her dog to keep walking.

"Maybe we should go inside," you said, voice muffled behind your palm as you tried to stifle your laughter. Joel chuckled and nodded.

"Good idea."

"It's gotta be around here somewhere," you muttered under your breath. You eased your foot off the gas and squinted through your windshield, silently repeating the numbers on the buildings until you finally found what you were looking for. Turning down the unpaved gravel road, you gripped the steering wheel tight, your SUV handling each deep bump with surprising ease until you turned the corner and spotted the partially finished building behind a chain link fence.

You saw a bunch of trucks parked off to the side so you found a spot near them and shifted into park. Before getting out of the car, you looked over your shoulder, hoping to see Joel's familiar face in the crowd of workers but you were too far away.

Oh, well. His truck was there, so he must be around somewhere.

Sliding out of your seat, you went to open your trunk and picked up to massive insulated tote bags filled with homemade sandwiches, pasta salads and cookies, draping one over each shoulder before tapping your foot under the tailgate to close the hatch.

You were grateful you chose a pair of jeans instead of the dress you originally wanted to wear as you walked up to the fence, dust and dirt kicking up as you walked. When a dark, curly haired man spotted you from over the fence, he walked over to unlock the gate. He took off his hard hat and wiped the sweat from his brow with his forearm before he shot you a cheesy smile.

"Hey there, little lady. You lookin' for someone?"

You gave him a polite smile despite the way his eyes raked up and down your body.

"Actually, yes," you replied, shifting the weight of one of the bags. "Is Joel around?"

The man's eyes darted up to meet yours and you watched his expression morph into one of excitement.

"Joel? Yeah, he's around. And, uh, who can I say is comin' by to make his whole damn day?"

You told him your name and he clapped his gloved hands together in triumph.

"I knew it! I fuckin' - sorry," he said, clearing his throat before opening up the fence. "C'mon in, but here, make sure you wear this," he said, plopping his smelly hard hat on top of your head. "He'll kill me if he spots you without one."

"Oh, well, thanks..." you replied. "I brought him lunch as a surprise. Well, actually, I brought everyone lunch-"

"You brought lunch?" a bigger man with a mustache popped up from behind a construction vehicle. You swiveled around and waved.

"Yeah. I have sandwiches and cookies a-"

"Here, lemme help you with all that," the first man said before introducing himself as Tommy. Then it clicked.

"You're Joel's brother!" you exclaimed, rolling your now sore shoulder as you followed him through the site towards the trailers parked in the back.

"One and only!" he said cheerily. "I'm just gonna put this in the air conditioning, then we can go find Joel."

You waited at the bottom of the stairs as Tommy disappeared into the trailer, your hands clasped behind your back and bouncing on the balls of your feet. A few men walked past and gave you a strange look, no doubt wondering who you were, but you just smiled and politely waved.

It was then that you heard Joel's voice call out your name from somewhere behind you. With a huge grin, you twisted around and shielded your eyes to look up at the framed second story, spotting him almost immediately.

The smile slipped from your face and your mouth went dry when you saw him, clothes covered in dirt, skin coated in a mix of sweat and dust. His jeans were well worn and hung lower on his hips, and over the waistband was a leather tool belt that had you thinking very inappropriate thoughts.

"Hey!" he said as he jogged down the steps. You blinked rapidly, trying to snap yourself out of your stupor, but he just looked too damn good.

"H-hi," you stammered, feeling even more overwhelmed now that he was closer. He leaned down to kiss your cheek and your eyes fluttered closed when you smelled him: a heavenly combination of sawdust, sweat, coffee and metal.

"What're you doin' here?"

He had his hands propped on his hips, gazing down at you with a huge smile, a stupidly cute hard hat perched on the top of his head that matched your own while he waited for your response.

Luckily, the door to the trailer opened and Tommy did all the talking for you, giving yourself an extra minute to get it together.

"She brought lunch for everyone. It's inside. You got a keeper here, brother, don't mess this up for us," Tommy joked with a loud clap to Joel's shoulder. A plume of dust swirled in the air, hiding the little pink tinting Joel's cheeks before turning back to you.

"You didn't need to do all that, darlin'."

"I- I wanted to," you said, forcing yourself to look away. "Thought I would surprise you and, well, you know me. Once I start cooking..."

Joel chuckled and went to wrap an arm around your shoulders before realizing how dirty he was.

"Ah, shit," he said, grimacing when you locked eyes again. "I'm filthy. Sorry."

"That's okay," you told him eagerly. Then you glanced around to make sure you couldn't be overheard when you leaned in and whispered, "I kinda like it."

Joel raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Oh, yeah?"

"Mhmm," you hummed with your bottom lip trapped between your teeth. His cheeks grew brighter pink as he shook his head and pointed awkwardly to the trailer behind you.

"Let's grab somethin' before these animals get in there. We can eat in my office."

"Office?" you repeated, following him towards the trailer.

"Oh, yeah. I got an office, baby. Shitty trailer smaller than this one, but it's all mine."

After you spread out the sandwiches and salads for Joel's crew, half of which was gone before you blinked, you grabbed your food and let him lead you to a trailer closer to the fence. He was right, it was small, but it served its purpose. Blueprints hung on the wall behind his desk. Permits, work orders, receipts and post its with phone numbers scribbled on them littered the other walls, along with an old clock with a crack in the glass right down the middle.

"I like what you've done with the place," you teased while he scooped up papers from his desk to clear a spot for you.

He laughed softly and sat down in the ancient, squeaky chair with a grunt.

"Hard to keep it clean."

"I like it. It's, like... it's chaotic but there's a method to the madness. Very impressed," you said, eyes trailing over some of the papers. "This is like a completely different language. I can't believe you do this for a living, Joel. You can read these plans and make something come to life with your bare hands."

Joel blushed again and waved you off before unwrapping his sandwich. When he picked it up, he frowned and looked at you. "Chicken cutlets?"

You nodded and he looked like he died and went to heaven when he took a bite. "Is it too much? Does it look like I'm trying too hard? Your crew probably thinks I'm nuts."

"No, darlin', this is incredible," he said around a mouthful of food. "You put lemon or somethin' in this?"

"Yep," you replied with a grin before taking a bite of your own sandwich. Your eyes kept roaming around the packed trailer in silent awe. "It's no wonder you're so exhausted after work. And you're still managing to run in the mornings."

"Lost almost ten pounds but if you keep comin' by with food like this, I'll put it right back on if I ain't careful," he said with a wink. "I don't want Sarah thinkin' I'm lyin' 'bout runnin' when she sees me next weekend."

"You don't need to lose weight, anyway," you told him with a dismissive wave.

Joel opened his mouth to argue that you hadn't actually seen him yet without clothes on so your frame of reference was skewed, but he caught himself just in time, saving himself the embarrassment. Instead, he swallowed his food and cleared his throat.

"Do anythin' interesting today? 'Sides make all this incredible food?" he asked, noting the way your expression instantly fell.

"My mom called this morning," you said, tone shifting from playful to a little cold. "She's begging me to move back to Portland again. Says there's no use in me living out here now that Daniel's gone."

Joel straightened up nervously in his chair.

"Well, that just ain't true." You have me, he wanted to add.

"I know, and I told her how much I like it in Texas, but she just doesn't understand. I even told her I applied for a few jobs hoping it would get her off my back."

"Yeah? What kinda jobs?" he asked, perking back up and ignoring the feeling of dread that filled his chest at the prospect of you moving away.

"My degree's in marketing, so a few jobs in that field," you said, picking off some extra cheese from your sandwich as you spoke. "I did some consulting work after graduation with a handful of businesses but it looks better on a résumé to have worked at one place for a good chunk of time. So, needless to say I haven't gotten any calls."

Joel frowned and wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. "Keep tryin'. Somethin' will shake loose. I'll keep an ear to the ground, too. I work with all sorts of different businesses."

"Thanks," you said with a smile. "Later today, I'm gonna look at fully remote jobs. That way I'm not limited to just Austin."

A few men filed past Joel's trailer, their voices and laughter echoing throughout the partially finished building.

"You probably need to get back to work, don't you?" you asked, peering out the small window by the door.

"Yeah, unfortunately gotta take advantage of the good weather while we got it," Joel said, standing and dusting his palms on his jeans. "I'll help you clean up first. They probably left a goddamn mess in there."

"No, please," you said as you stood to follow him towards the door. "You're busy. I can handle it, I promise."

"You sure?"

"Of course! So long as I still get to come over tonight," you said with a flirtatious wink.

Joel laughed as he walked you down the three steps of the trailer. "It's the only thing gettin' me through the day."

Before you headed back towards the trailer where Tommy had set up your food, you turned to loop your arms loosely around Joel's neck. Standing on your toes, you pressed your lips against his. It was meant to be a quick, chaste kiss, but when his big hands found your waist and you breathed him in up close, your jaw automatically fell open. Joel must have forgotten where you were, as well, because he didn't hesitate to deepen the kiss, sliding his tongue slowly alongside yours, firmly pushing your mouths together and pulling a moan from your throat.

When a pair of younger men on the crew walked by and whistled sharply at your display, you finally broke apart, embarrassment flooding both your faces.

"Sorry," he chuckled, releasing your hips and nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

"I started it," you grinned, ignoring the handful of men over Joel's shoulder talking to Tommy about what they just witnessed. You took a few steps backwards and playfully bit your lip. "Maybe we can pick up where we left off tonight?" you offered, unable to keep the tremor from your voice. Joel's face went slack when he realized what you meant, swallowing tightly before giving you a nod.

"Uh, y-yeah. Lookin' forward to it. I-I mean, lookin' forward to seein' you later," he stammered, making you giggle. Before you turned around, you pointed to your hat.

"I'll leave it in the trailer."

He just nodded numbly and you swiveled around to collect your things, excitement and anticipation bubbling inside, the likes of which you hadn't felt in over a year.

Normally after a long week at work, Friday nights were spent having a couple beers and falling asleep early in front of whatever hockey game happened to be on. But that Friday night, Joel was energized, veins thrumming with excitement as he carefully situated a couple old, mismatched candles on his coffee table before fluffing the pillows and folding the blanket over the back of the couch.

He ran his hand through his hair nervously and looked around the room, turning certain lights on and off until he found the perfect combination for a warm glow to set the right mood. Then he went to the kitchen, opening up your favorite bottle of wine and setting it next to two glasses. It took him three attempts at microwaving popcorn before he got a bag that didn't end up burnt, which he poured into a bowl and set on the coffee table. Glancing at his watch, he lit the candles, scrunching his nose at the conflicting scents but deciding it ultimately didn't smell too bad and left them.

After checking his reflection maybe ten times in the hall mirror, he began to pace around his house, idly straightening up things or inspecting a ledge for dust... anything to try to get his mind off what he was very certain was the night.

Fuck, he was so nervous. Before Sarah's mom, he had only had sex with one other woman. He wasn't exactly brimming with experience and not only that, given it's been over ten years since he'd had sex, he'd be lucky to last three minutes. The last thing on earth he wanted to do was disappoint you or remind you of his advanced age.

Joel cursed under his breath when he heard the light knock at his front door. On his way to let you in, he silently chastised himself for feeling a flicker of guilt. His wife would have wanted him to move on, to be happy. There was no reason to feel guilty in finding comfort and happiness with someone new.

Yet, the guilt still sat there, tucked under his ribs right next to his heart.

He pushed it out of his mind when he swung the door open to find you waiting patiently on the other side. You were wearing the same jeans and shirt from earlier, but it looked like you might have done something a little different to your hair.

"Hey," he smiled breathlessly. He leaned down to give you a quick peck on the lips, inhaling your shampoo and perfume. When he pulled back, he rubbed his lips together at the sudden softness there and you grinned sheepishly up at him, swiping your thumb gently over his lips.

"Sorry. Got some lipstick on you."

His cheeks warmed under your touch and at the realization that you had put makeup on before coming over. Had you put in extra effort that night, same as him? Or was it all in his head?

"Come on in. Got the movie ready to go, plus-"

You had breezed past him and already kicked off your sneakers, interrupting him with a gasp when you saw his living room.

"Oh, Joel, you did all this for me?" you asked with your palms pressed against your heart. You looked so touched and it made his ego inflate a little. He did good.

"Uh, yep," he said, pushing the door closed and following you into the room. You surveyed the boxes of theater candy he laid out next to the popcorn, your finger tracing over them slowly as if you were mentally ranking them before noticing the wine still sitting open on his kitchen counter. You swiveled around, hands clasped behind your back and, with a flirty smile, you said, "You got my favorite."

"'Course I did," Joel replied, taking two long strides to meet you in the middle of the room. Your hands found each other immediately, his around your waist and yours behind his neck.

"And you got candles," you murmured, gazing up at him with big doe eyes. He nodded, pulse steadily humming under his skin. "How romantic."

"Little outta practice, but I tried," he shrugged.

"I love it," you whispered right before your lips brushed against his. When he kissed you, it felt like he was falling, but he wasn't scared of the drop. No, in fact, he was excited to see what was waiting for him on the other side. The way your mouth slotted perfectly with his, the soft noise you made when his tongue dipped past your lips, your nails digging into his hair a little harder when he pressed you against his chest. It was everything and not enough, all at once.

You were the first to pull away with a little breathy laugh, excitement glimmering in your eyes.

"Why don't we at least pretend to watch some of the movie?" you teased, taking a step back, just out of reach.

Joel's eyes darkened, like a predator watching his prize slip away.

"Sit. I'll get you some wine before we start the movie."

You did as you were told, plucking a piece of popcorn from the bowl and tossing it into your mouth while he poured two glasses of wine as quickly as he could. When he was out of sight, he took a few deep breaths to steady his nerves, then flicked the kitchen light off before joining you on the couch.

"Thank you," you said, taking your glass and clinking it lightly against his.

"Welcome," he answered, taking a sip while reaching for the remote. Wine wasn't his favorite drink, but for you, he would drink bath water if that's what you wanted.

He draped an arm over the back of his couch and leaned back, spreading his knees and getting comfortable while the opening credits played. You took a few sips from your glass, the candlelight catching the refractions every time you moved. By the time your glass was almost empty on the coffee table and the first act of the movie was over, you had curled into his side, your leg slung across his lap and your head resting comfortably against his shoulder. At some point, he abandoned his wine on the end table to grip your calf on his lap, his thick fingers unconsciously kneading the muscle as he watched the movie.

You made a soft noise in the back of your throat, immediately pulling his interest, the sound doing shameful things below his waist already.

"Feels good," you whispered, eyes fluttering for a moment before nuzzling further into his chest. It took him a second to realize you were referring to the absentminded massage he was giving your leg.

"Yeah?" he responded, voice deep and gravelly when he tipped his chin to brush his lips against the top of your head. "You tense, baby?"

You hummed and nodded, tilting your face up, mouths barely touching as the movie continued to play in the background. Joel's fingers around your leg tightened as the air around you thickened. He was definitely not reading things wrong. Your lips were parted to accommodate your sudden need for more air, your chest was rising and falling faster than just a moment ago and judging by the needy look in your eye, you were practically screaming for him to touch you.

So, despite his nerves, he did.

He wasn't quite sure how it happened, but within a few short minutes he had you pinned underneath him on his couch, the leg he was once massaging now wrapped around his hips. Your mouths had crashed together, sharing whimpers and gasps each time one of your hands explored a new area. The way you devoured one another, tongues twisting and fighting and denim clad hips shifting and rolling, it was impossible to tell who was more desperate for affection and comfort.

He supposed it didn't really matter, anyway. As different as you might seem to others on the surface, inside you both were the same. You both wanted to feel loved and wanted again. You both sought out safety and comfort you so desperately craved and not only that, you each eagerly wanted to give it to the other in return, because you knew how painful it felt to be so lonely.

It could have been the blood pounding loudly in his ears that kept him from hearing the front door unlock, or maybe he was too fixated on the pretty sounds you made when his hand boldly traveled underneath your shirt for the first time that blocked out the footsteps in the entryway, but the hurt and shocked tone in her voice when she spoke cut right through everything and had him bolting upright in a panic when he heard Sarah say, "Dad?"

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[oblique-lane]

idk if youve done it yet but i would actually lose my mind if you did an analysis for demo

Aye aye captain 🫡 Time to overdramatize again!

Let's address Demo's wounds

(Demo's backstory was changed through the years but I'm sticking to the older version because I find it more grounded)

Demoman's story is easily one of the most tragic of all the mercs. Imagine you have been abandoned from birth, your parents simply rejected you for what you are. But luckily you have been adopted by some good people who replaced your parents and made you a relatively happy child.

And then you accidentally kill them. You're 6 years old. How does that feel?

I can't even imagine how a child's brain can't comprehend the idea of being a murderer. It was an accident, of course, they were blown up by a big explosion he created (genius kid found out how to do that, huh?) but still. His parents were dead and he knew it was his own fault. He learned he was dangerous as he is.

How was it like pondering about it in the orphanage?.. "I didn't want this! I want to go back and fix it, I'm so sorry", something like that. But he couldn't go back in time, so being covered in such an avalanche of guilt, he learned he needs to repress himself.

Demo have always had an explosive temper (no pun intended), it was his true nature, pure emotion: if he's happy, it's 100%; if he's angry, it's a full blown storm. If he loves, he loves with all of his heart, and he has a big one.

Living on the impulse, all or nothing, that crucial accident revealed that letting his true nature go will only end up as destruction in the end. Irreparable damage.

We don't know what exactly was happening to him during his orphanage years, but if I'm to guess, repressing everything about him: his interests, his character, his whole nature, was a thing to choose. He thought that he had to become still and quiet as to not to repeat that kind of tragedy ever again. He probably didn't have people to be friends with either, either because people rejected him for his past, or he avoided them himself due to his internalized shame, at least that's a guess.

But everything repressed returns to the surface sooner or later. As a child, living for so long under overwhelming guilt, grief, hate, pain and sadness, under the skies that are almost never sunny in a all-year-long damp and coldness of the Ullapool. Incomprehensibly grey. It was depriving.

He was always fascinated with explosions. He didn't touch it for a long time, but maybe something like seeing fireworks again one day made something inside him tremble... And to remember.

Explosions. Launch... Acceleration... Release. And every time the release happens, his soul fills with excitement, the body feels lighter and shivers go up the spine. Release happens inside his head too, for the explosions make his worries and pain go away for a moment.

He couldn't find another way to release his bottled up emotions, so gradually he returned to make explosives again.

It was something like an addiction. Similar to pyromania, except no one bothered to research this one. At the moment of explosion he could let his anger out, he could scream, he could run around freely, he could sense heat in his chest; he could be himself. As he once was.

Everything was cold. But the explosions were hot.

He thought it was under control, just a little bit of KABOOM after school, but he craved more and more every time, more vivid, more violent...

That's how he lost his eye. (...Was it a subconscious act of selfharm?)

The missing eye was a forever reminder of how deviated he actually was. He learned that he couldn't repress or change what he truly is - a monster. A Black Scottish Cyclops, wether it were his peers who called him like that or he himself, out of misery. There was indeed something seriously wrong with him.

It seemed like the only thing he was capable of is destruction. Destruction is the only environment he's comfortable with. Peace was always so anxious and depriving, and breaking things felt calming, so he figured it must be right.

And then his birth mother came and took him back, "now that's he's a worthy DeGroot". It was unexpected but... Pleasant. So he wasn't THAT worthless after all, huh? Turns out, it was really familial, the destruction thing. At least he found out that there was a reason behind all of this.

His new mom was, saying honestly, pretty cruel with words. She was not at all gentle, she was very strict, demanding and straight up abusive. It was never enough for her no matter what Demo did. She didn't want results from his work, she's just always wanted to mess with his brain.

And for whatever reason... This setup felt right for him. To be thrown around like that, to be humiliated harshly, it felt fitting, it wasn't causing anxiety or anything. He has to be a scapegoat, he had to forget about being a child and to start working as an adult, at the same time somehow replacing a father he still didn't have, but it felt good enough. Confusing relationships felt good enough.

Destruction was his habitat, and his heart could no longer accept anything else.

Cruelty wasn't warm though, just familiar, just an environment to not to go insane. But he craved warmness so badly... Yet every time he would get close to someone and receive a little gentleness and care, it would feel sickening. It felt unnatural, it reminded him of his lost parents and of everything that's wrong about him.

The only warmness his body could accept was alcohol, making him bubbly and comfortable and relaxed. He almost felt normal, happy even. Alcohol heat made him melt, and he felt so fulfilled as if he was in paradise, back to the womb.

Yet after the effect wears off, he feels lonely as ever. Quickly, existing without alcohol becomes pain. Existing at all. He became an addict.

Not that everyone he met rejected him, rather, he subconsciously reached out to those who would be cruel to him. Again, gentleness hurts wether he knows it or not. He's only good in destruction.

Lonely and clingy, ready to overshare, overall mess yet carrying a big baggage of love that has no one to give it to. Maybe because he can't give it to himself in the first place. There's so many issues unresolved because he can't handle them alone, yet there's no one to help since he was already trapped in a closed circuit of self sabotage.

He will keep acting like a party beast, always crazily emotional and overdone upbeat, a simple drunken man who will not be taken seriously that way. Maybe that's what he wanted, to not be seen as deep by anyone for not be reminded of his misery once again.

Seems like we bought that too.

...

The enemy Soldier might be an exception though. The man he really treasures his friendship with turned out to be an enemy; repeating the rule again: it's only acceptable when dangerous. Soldier deeply cares for Demo, however he's not gentle or pitying, he's as destructive and explosive as Demo is, and these two are a very rare perfect combination of destructing each other in the act of love. Both broken beyond repair, soul on soul, forever to be misunderstood by the outsiders. This is something about this relationship that looks like a golden lining.

They will not fix each other, but they sure are going to have a good time!

[haru-natsuka]

The fate (Anastacius x Female Reader x Claude)

Chapter 7: Dream

Dreams... born from the unconscious mind, remained a constant reminder of the past. They haunted her, replaying the scenes of her despair and loss, over and over again. The anguish, the grief, the heartbreak - all of it would come rushing back in a flood of emotions that threatened to consume her entirely. The dreams served as a cruel reminder of what she had lost, what she could never have again. A sight of her failure...

Female reader will be named as Celestial

From a young age, Celestial had dreamed of marrying her fiance, Anastacius. How could she not? After all, they had been engaged for a full decade and had grown to deeply love each other. For Celestial, her soulmate was Anastacius and for Anastacius, his soulmate was Celestial. Their connection was strong and unwavering, and the anticipation of their wedding day filled her with excitement and joy. Only a year left...before things turned wary.

Celestial's voice was filled with desperation and anguish as she pleaded, "Wake up, Acius. Please wake up."

She held his body on her lap, the bloodied recently crowned emperor of Obelia. Her hands was trembling as she gently caressed his face. Her eyes were fixed on his form, tears streaming down her cheeks as she saw the large stab wound on his chest. The blood continued to flow endlessly from the wound, staining his clothes and seeping into hers. With trembling fingers, she desperately tried to wipe away the blood trickling down his lips and chin.

As Anastacius spoke, his voice was weak and barely above a whisper. He looked up at her, his eyes filled with a mixture of pain and anguish.

"You killed me, my Celeste," he rasped, his words tinged with both hurt and resignation.

Despite the grievous injury and the severity of the situation, there was a deep sense of sadness, grief and a slight anger in his gaze as he gazed up at her, the one person he had loved dearly. Celestial's heart shattered at his words, the weight of his blame hitting her like a wave of guilt and self-pity. She had hoped for forgiveness, but instead, she was met with an accusation that cut through her very soul.

Her heart ached with pain and frustration as she protested, "What! No! Don't be ridiculous. How could I even stab you, Acius? I'm acting that way before, but I truly only loved you."

Celestial gazed down into his eyes, pleading with him to understand her truth. Tears streamed down her face, staining her cheeks and falling onto his wounded chest. It was like a final bid to convince him of her innocence, to make him see the love that still existed within her heart.

Anastacius suddenly reached out, gripping her hand with a firm, tight grip and forcefully pulling her closer, their faces only inches apart. A sinister smile tugged at the corners of his lips, a hint of evil amusement in his eyes. He let out a chuckle, the sound cold and cruel, as if he reveled in her desperation. Celestial's heart hammered in her chest, a mixture of fear and confusion swirling in her eyes.

Anastacius's grip on her hands tightened, the strength of his hold bordering on painful. He continued to speak, his tone mocking and cold. "No, you did. Years ago, with that dumb light power of yours. And just like me, you are about to get that bastard princess killed."

As Celestial's eyes shifted to the side, her gaze fell upon the sight of her child, Athanasia, standing on the guillotine, awaiting her execution. The blade hung ominously above her small form, a grim and heart-wrenching sight that made her heart plummet into her stomach. Alongside her stood Claude, eyes fixated on her with a cold, emotionless stare without any feelings, as if he was a mere spectator to the scene unfolding before him.

"No! No! My Athanasia! Its not me! This is all Claude's fault! It's Claude! Claude!"

Celestial jolted awake, her heart racing and her body drenched in cold sweat. She had been dreaming, a nightmare that had haunted her for years. She found herself sitting up in bed, her hand extended desperately in the midst of the air, as if straining to reach for something that was no longer there, her fingers trembling from the emotional intensity. The vivid images from her dream still playing in her mind, leaving her disoriented and panicked. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, her breath coming in ragged gasps as she tried to calm herself.

"You ask me to stop drinking," Claude's voice cut through the silence of the dark room which Celestial's eyes widened upon the sudden appearance of his presence. The feeling of hatred and blaming from her dream still alive in her heart. She turned to look at him, finding him standing beside her bed with his arms folded and a stern and unwavering expression on his face. He continued to speak in a mocking tone, words digging at her.

"Yet look at you, empress." His feet make contact with one of the wine bottle on the floor, a clinking sound being heard.

"What are you doing in my room?!" With a mixture of annoyance and irritation, Celestial snapped back at the emperor, her tone sharp and filled with frustration.

It was his fault that she need to consume multiple bottles of wine today and even before. It always because of him that she suffered through out her life. The sight of the emperor taking Athanasia from her still weighed heavily on her heart, and she couldn't shake off the anxiety and unease that gnawed at her chest. So, she went for a short cut road like a coward, immersed herself in excessive amount of wine. She must passed out while drinking as some of the bluish-violet liquid managed to stain her white bed.

"Athanasia... she was a boring child. A mute. Your attempt to save her was useless" Claude stated bluntly, his gaze lingering on the empress as he meant for the exchange of his wife freedom for the sake of the child survival at the time she was born. For five years, she had been trapped within the main palace. Her feet had never even touched a single grass. Celestial's heart ached at his words, her emotions a jumble of pain and anger. Claude was a very cruel man who lacked of empathy and sympathy which just worsen the hatred she felt for this guy.

"What did you do to my Athy, you tyrant"

Celestial's voice trembled with a mix of anger and desperation. Her eyes burned with a fierce determination, her fists clenching at her sides. The mere thought of harm coming to her child made her blood boil, and she refused to back down without a fight. Her emotions were a tangled mess, a potent mix of concern, anger, and a fierce protective instinct towards her daughter.

"Huh, a tyrant," he chuckled, his voice carrying a hint of mocking. Claude took a seat beside Celestial and reached for the bottle of wine that lay nearby. "That's a very interesting name. The people call me their god but my own wife... regards me as a tyrant" He took a long sip from it, his expression nonchalant and unbothered.

"You are the one who offered to be by my side in return I let that kid alive. Don't blame other for your own decision"

Celestial's anger boiled over as she snatched the wine bottle from Claude's grasp, her temper finally reaching its breaking point. With a swift move, she flung the liquid toward his face, watching as the wine cascaded down his features and soaked into the pristine of his white robe. Claude's once nonchalant expression was instantly replaced by one of anger and wrath. His eyes narrowed as he watched the wine dripping down his face, the cold fury evident in his gaze.

"GET! OUT!" She commanded, her tone leaving no room for argument. She was done with his presence, done with his callous words and uncaring attitude. The last thing she wanted was to remain in the same room as him a moment longer.

"I'm coming here in peace but Celestial, really you left me with no choice" A sinister calmness laced his words.

"Felix, bring the empress to the garden"

His gaze shifted to Felix, who stood nearby and gave a subtle nod in understanding. At Claude's command, Felix moved forward, firmly grabbing ahold of the empress and restraining her. The empress fought back with all her might, struggling against Felix's grip in a desperate attempt to break free. However, it was futile, his hold was too strong. It was evident that Claude wanted to injured her. He knew all too well about the magical restriction placed upon her. If she were to break the restriction, the electric mana would strike her.

Realising her life might be in danger, Celestial plead towards Felix, her voice filled with desperation and fear. "Felix, stop. Don't listen to Claude," she implored, her voice shaky. "Are you both trying to kill me?"

Felix appeared conflicted, torn between duty and compassion. However, he knew that he had no choice but to serve his emperor, his master's commands took precedence over any plea. He glanced apologetically at her, his expression reflecting a mixture of guilt. As Claude continued to walk ahead, Felix knew he could not defy his master's direct command. Ignoring the empress was the right choice for him in this situation as he knew Claude would never hurt Celestial.

The empress closed her eyes tightly as they reached the garden, fear gripping her heart at the sight of the infamous rose garden. When her bare feet touched the grass, she prepared for the worst but minutes passed and there was nothing. She cautiously opened her eyes. There was no electrical mana trying to attack her, instead, she could only feel the grass beneath her feet which was giving a foreign feeling.

The restriction ensured her to be chained to the main palace so when she was hunger for the taste of freedom, she would be at her balcony at night, feeling the cold air of the night, the light of the moon that made her white hair shone brightly. She was used to that feeling but not the grass that tingling her feet. This was the taste of the freedom she had yearned for.

As realization set in, her knees felt weak, she stumbled, and fell onto the ground, panting heavily from disbelief and adrenaline. Felix, tried to help Celestial to be on her feet back but Claude stopped him. The restriction that had once confined her was gone, vanished, leaving her free like she had longed for all this time.

"This is my gift for our anniversary, Celestial" Like always, he spoke with his emotionless tone. Just like that, Claude turned to walk away, leaving Celestial alone in the garden as she wailed in neither tears of joy or grief. She did not feel any gratefulness to the emperor at all.

@fluffy-koalala @happydeertraveler @sethianaa @is2sae

Chapter 6 << Previous, Next >> Chapter 8

[darlingshane]

Burden

Carmy Berzatto & SIL!Reader + Past!Michael Berzatto x F!Reader

Summary: After Michael's death, you moved out of Chicago and took the kids to be closer to your family. A year later, you come back to see the Berzattos and on your last day you have a heart-to-heart with Carmy.

Content/Warnings: Angst, Grief, Guilt, Mention of Death and Suicide.

Word Count: 1,6k

A/N: Carmy calls reader Sis.

— You can read below or at AO3.

Being back in Chicago hurts more than you could have imagined. Even if it's just for a short visit, so your kids can reconnect with their aunt and uncle.

This isn’t the most exciting trip you’ve ever taken, but at the end it’s sad to leave this city behind once again. That feeling won’t ever go away. After all, this is the place where you met and built a life with Michael. This is where your two kids were born. And like in all good tragedies, this is also the place where your soul mate decided to abandon you when he took an early exit by his own hand.

A year later, you're still dealing with the aftermath of it all.

You moved to Minneapolis to be closer to your family mere days after your oldest daughter finished her school year. It was the right choice for all of you. But you all miss being closer to the Berzattos. You've always had a great relationship with most of them.

Natalie has been a great support, even in distance; even when battling with her own grief. She's the one you’ve talked to more often and the one who gave you that little push you needed to come visit.

It’s been a hectic week, especially since they’re reopening The Beef — The Bear — now, and they’re running against the clock to have everything ready for the launch next month. You haven’t stepped inside the restaurant since before Michael's death, and that’s something you can’t still bring yourself to do.

On your last day in the city, Aunt Natalie and Uncle Pete take your eight-year-old Madison and, god help them, your two-year-old Aiden for a fun day out while you hang back in the house.

You take that as an opportunity to pack everything for tomorrow and to finally get the guts to call Carmy to invite him for lunch and have some quality time with him for old times’ sake.

In regard to your brother-in-law, you’ve both been more distant toward the other than you used to be. He's become more reserved after Michael's death, and all your energy has been put on your two kids, and poorly handling everything else.

Back in the day, when Michael was still alive, you were the one to always call Carmy when Mikey stopped ditching his brother’s calls altogether. At some point, you ran out of excuses to give to Carmen on behalf of your husband's behavior. So, you’d just say – Just Mikey being Mikey.

Carmy and you knew that was bullshit.

Michael had a gregarious nature that remained unchanged until the last second. It’s hard to believe it was just a mask he put on to keep everyone happy, including you.

It begs to question what else you didn’t know about Michael, or if there was something different you could’ve done or said to change the outcome of that night.

Nothing has ever filled you with more guilt and remorse for not paying closer attention. It has also left you with a lot of anger the way he chose to leave you and the kids to your own devices. You know it's selfish, cause he had to be hurt beyond words to commit an act like that. The Michael you remember would have never done anything as such. It unnerves you that he didn't feel comfortable enough to come and talk to you. And you've exhausted your mind going over and over all the events preceding that day, searching for something that you'd have said that would have pushed him farther into that abyss. Something was off, and you should have tried harder to figure out what was going on with Michael. But in the midst of handling two young kids and your own job, you missed all the clues to Michael's secret affliction.

Regardless of that, Michael will always be the person you've loved the most, along with your children, and while the wound is still open and bleeding, you need to try to mend that relationship with Carmen before it's too late.

You're folding a pile of clean clothes and sorting them in your suitcase when the doorbell rings.

Swallowing that anxious lump in your throat, you open the door and greet him.

“Hope you don't mind, I ordered some pizza. I'm not much of a cook and figured you'd been so busy with… I didn't want you to…”

“No, that's fine, Sis. Pizza is perfect,” he's clearly nervous too when he takes off his jacket and hangs it on the back of a chair. “So they left you alone, huh?”

“Yeah. Aiden is probably driving them nuts. Do you want something to drink?” you gesture toward the kitchen.

“Uh, sure.”

Carmy follows you into the kitchen. He gets a soda, and you get a glass of water.

This is the first time you've seen him alone without Natalie or the kids around to interrupt. It feels a little awkward to be honest. Everything is still so raw for all of you, that locking eyes with Carmy's steel blue gaze feels like being stabbed with cold daggers. It's hard to look at him without seeing yourself in that same sea of despair.

Sipping his drink, his attention is drawn to a picture that Sugar took of Aiden a few days ago, pinned under a magnet on the fridge's door.

“He's gotten so big since…” Carmy trails off, pointing at your toddler. “How are they doing?”

“The kids?” he nods at you. “They're fine for the most part. Aiden is easier. He doesn't…” you don't have to finish the sentence for him to pick up what you mean. He was still a baby when it happened and until he's older, you won't be able to explain what happened. “And Madison… She really, really misses her dad, you know? She tries to put on a brave face, but some days she doesn't want to talk. And every other night she ends up in my bed begging me to not ever leave her.” You place the glass down on the counter, turn around to face the window, so he doesn't see the tears streaming down your face. “Ugh, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't burden you with this. You have enough already with…”

“Don't apologize, Sis. God, I hate him for doing that to you and the kids,” Carmen says softly.

“You shouldn't. He was your brother. It was my fault after all. I should've… I'm sorry.”

“Don't go there, Sis. It was nobody's fault.”

“No, it was. I was supposed to look after him, and I failed. He just left one night… and never came back. And I should've seen. I should've known… ”

“Listen,” there's a pause and a sigh while he gathers the rambling of his thoughts. “I have no idea what was going on with him. You and I both know that he could barely talk to me. And these past few months, I've found out things about him that I don't completely understand. But if there's one thing I know about Michael is that he loved you and the kids more than anything, and wouldn't want you to blame yourself for what he did. That's on him. I'm not gonna let you do that, okay?”

Staring at the sink, you vaguely nod, and wipe your tears. Guilting yourself over Michael's death is something that's going to follow you always. Even if it wasn't your fault. There are things about that night that still don't sit right with you. Every day, you wish you could go back in time and scream at yourself to look closer, pay attention, and ask him to stay that night you saw him leave for the last time.

“He was so stubborn sometimes. I should've pushed him harder to talk to you.”

“That's not on you, either. I know you tried.”

“He was very proud of you, you know?” you finally glance over yourself to see his reaction.

Though you knew Michael was highly proud of his little brother, he never got to express that face to face, or even on the phone. Maybe telling Carmy what you know could help him a little.

“Was he?” His head heavily slumps into his shoulders as a response, as if he wasn't completely sure Michael cared at all. He said he did, – I give a huge fuck, – Carmy recalls his brother saying that eventful Christmas. But after that, things went stale again, and he was back to being the odd man out.

“He was incredibly proud of you, Carmen,” you reassure him. “Michael really, really loved you, and respected you so much.”

“Maybe he did, but he didn’t want me here.”

“It wasn’t like that. He… Michael thought you deserved much better than to end up with him stuck in that hole in the wall. His words,” you point out. “He thought you were artistic and talented, and having you working with him would've kept you from going to Copenhagen and working in the best restaurants in the world. He believed that you could do anything, and needed to go out and chase that dream for both, for you and him, and experience everything that he couldn’t.”

“He told you that?” He moves to stand next to you, bracing his palms on the counter.

“Maybe not in that many words, but yeah.”

“He could have done any of that, too.”

“Yeah, he could’ve. But that’s not what he wanted. He took his chances with what he got, and that was his path. Not yours, Carmy. I should’ve told you earlier, it’s just…”

“… Hard. Tell me about it.”

“I’ve missed talking to you. I wasn’t trying to push you away like he did.”

“I know, Sis. I know. You have your hands full. I wasn't expecting you to. I get it. You can call anytime, you know? If the kids are giving you a hard time, or you just need to talk… I’m not Natalie, but I can listen.”

“Yeah, likewise.”

You both timidly smile at the other, and the burden weighing on your shoulders lightens just a little.

[borderline-clusterfxck]

DBT SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS Part 2/7: Intro to Assertiveness

Part one

Part two

What are the benefits and skills of learning how to be assertive?

Knowing what you want: learning how to identify what you want, your desires and your objectives

Being able to ask for what you want: learning how to put your needs into words that are clear, non-demanding, and how to ask for specific change

Negotiation: learning how to be open to compromise, ensuring that each person involved gets some of what they want and no one feels as though the other is being unreasonable or demanding

Acquiring information: learning how to find out what the other person needs, their fears and hopes for a situation or request, etc. 

Saying no effectively: learning how to say no in a way that feels respectful and reasonable, and in a way that still validates the other persons desires while setting firm boundaries around what you will and wont do

Acting according to your values and boundaries: learning to set positive intentions and goals and acting accordingly to what you wish to achieve

How to figure out what you actually want

Step one: identify the relationship of concern: who are you currently having an issue with or needing something from?

Example: Sebastian realised that something felt off in his relationship with his mom

Step 2: identify what emotion(s) you are feeling towards the person and/or situation

Emotions are not inherently good or bad, rather there are emotions that are comfortable and pleasant to experience and emotions that are uncomfortable and painful to experience. When we are having an issue with someone, when we need or want something we aren't getting, etc, we are usually feeling an uncomfortable emotion. The list below may be able to help you identify what emotion(s) you are feeling

Comfortable emotions:

Satisfaction 

Excitement

Love / affection 

Sexual attraction 

Contentment 

Joy

Pleasant anticipation

Interest 

Satiety 

Uncomfortable emotions:

Anxiety [for the future]

Fear [of something now]

Anger / frustration / annoyed 

Resentment / jealousy / envy

Sadness

Grief / loss

Hurt 

Anger or disgust with oneself

Embarrassment / shame

Guilt 

Yearning / deprivation 

Loneliness / emptiness 

Example: Sebastian, after looking at the above list of emotions, realised that the emotion that seemed closest to what he was feeling was hurt, with a close seconds being resentment

Step 3: identify your objective/what you want or need

What does this emotion make you want to change about the current dynamic of the relationship? More specifically, what behaviour(s) of the other person would you like to see changed?

Do you want them to do more or less of something?

Do you want them to stop doing something all together?

Do you want them to start showing a new behaviour that could make a difference in how you feel? 

Example: Sebastian could tell that his emotions were in some way related to his moms upcoming visit. His mom planned to come to town for ten days with her new spouse, and in that week and a half time period, she had only asked to schedule a single dinner with Sebastian. He realised that he felt hurt and resentful because he felt as though his mom didn't care about him or wanted to see him as often as he wanted to see her. He wished that his mom would reach out more often to plan times to see each other when she came to town

Step 4: Clarify what you want further

When, where, and how often do you want to see this change?

What exactly would this changed behaviour look like? In what way would this behaviour be expressed?

Example: Sebastian came to the conclusion that he would like to see this change the next time his mom comes to town. For every week that his mom is in town, Sebastian would like to be included in activities at least twice, whether that means having lunch or dinner together and visiting or going out to do something in town. This behaviour could come in the form of his mom calling him or sending a text or email to invite him to something, or a phone call discussing possible plans and ideas of things they could do together

Step 5: Put your thoughts, feelings, desires, and expectations into a few simple, clear sentences

Example: Sebastian simplified his desires into the following: “when my mom comes to town, I would like to see her more often and for her to reach out and include me in activities more often, at least twice for every week she is visiting. I would prefer that she call me, but I am also open to receiving invites or scheduling questions by text or email

How to ask for what you want – the skill of making a request is necessary to taking care of yourself

Step 1: offer a brief justification [OPTIONAL]

Offering a short and simple justification for your request can help the other person understand the impact of the request and what the impact of their help with said request might look like

Some examples of justification: “it’s really hot in here”, “these bags are really heavy for me”, “it’s a long way to walk”

Many situations do NOT need justification, and you shouldn't feel obligated to justify every single request you make; when you do offer a reason/justification, keep in short and simple

Step 2: softening statements

A softening statement can help establish you as a reasonable person who is polite and non-demanding. Generally, you are less likely to encounter resistance when using these methods than with a hard-edged demand

Some examples of softening statements: “can you please help me with…”, “would mind if…”, “I’d appreciate it if you would…”, “could I please have…”, “It would be helpful if you could…”

Step 3: have a simple, specific, and direct request or question

Say what you want clearly and exactly – do not tiptoe around the request out of fear of inconveniencing others, and do not make demands. Try your best to use a polite but matter of fact tone

Keep your question or request short, one sentence if possible – generally, the more you elaborate and explain, the more resistance you'll tend to run into

Step 4: If the other person does fulfil your request, make sure to thank them and [optionally] add an appreciation statement

We all know what it feels like to feel as though our efforts are not appreciated, so its always a good idea to express your appreciation when someone does what you've asked of them. 

Appreciation statements help reinforce the other persons behaviour and it makes them feel valued and lets them know you appreciate what they are doing for you

Some examples of appreciation statements: “I really appreciate your help”, “Thank you for your effort”, “This will really help me out”, “This is going to make my life/time a lot easier”, “This will make a real difference”

Know your legitimate rights

A common issue some people face when it comes to being clear and specific about your desires and requests is that it brings up a lot of anxiety and fear. Unfortunately, lots of people grew up in families that invalidated their needs and made them feel less than for having desires. All their lives, they feel scared to ask for anything, as if it makes them bad people for needing or wanting things, as if they are undeserving or selfish, or as if their feelings and pain have no importance.

You have a right to need things from others, and to express those needs to others

You have a right to put yourself first when you need to

You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain

You have a right to be the final judge of your beliefs, your feelings, your needs, and your abilities

You have a right to your opinions and beliefs

You have a right your experiences – even if those experiences are different from others

You have a right to feel differently about an experience than other people who have had the same or similar experiences 

You have a right to protest treatment or criticism from others that feels bad to you

You have a right to negotiate for change

You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need (even though you may not always get it)

You have a right to say no – saying no doesn't make you bad or selfish

You have a right to not justify yourself to others

You have a right to not take responsibility for someone else's problems

You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation

You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others

And the reason you deserve all of these things is that you are a human being who feels, who yearns for things, who hurts, who struggles, who has needs, who is alive. All of this entitles you to being heard and being respected

Disclaimer: I am not a professional, nor am I qualified to give you an official DBT Skills Training Unit. I’m just some guy with BPD who found DBT very helpful and so I want to impart those same skills onto as many of my fellow BPDers as I can. Should go without saying but this blog DOES NOT count as an official Skills Training Unit.

[atc-tatiana]

Some silly head-canon for the proxy

(None of these characters are mine)

Creepypasta(Yandere proxy xreader)

Okay let’s start by saying this, Brian is no more he is no longer with us. But Hoodie is, and he will have some scars on his body and face. Then the second one Tim aka Masky, he has both personality still. Tim a clueless man that still thinks that he can disobey the operator. A silly man indeed. And with Masky he is very aggressive to other people that don’t look familiar. Finally Toby, he is not childish and he certainly isn’t obsessive with waffles. Toby is very cold and very clueless but won’t talk about it. And Toby has slenderman and Masky and Hoodie has The operator. Okay let’s get start with the head canons with these killers.

Tim(Masky)

Okay Tim would most likely be the one you want to stick with all of the time. Tim will know how to defend you even if he has to get into fights with those two. You expect he’ll help you escape but no. And he feel guilty for forcing you to stay with them. The good thing about him is that he will let you out( You don't have to make puppy dog eyes to convince him to let you walk outside.) Everything about him is more lean and you can get away with a lot with Tim.

Masky a phsyco path, and I’m not lying. Masky is much more serious and he doesn’t understand why you would want to leave. He like to think of himself your number one lover. He is less impatient with you so if he tells you to do something, you have to do it. Or he’ll ignore everything you need, or want. He did it once before leaving you alone with your thoughts an in empty stomach and room.

And how he looks now after all those years, is a little different. Tim still has a dad body but more muscle wight, he is much more stronger then he used to be. But still very cute. Masky still have to wait his turn to go and see you. Tim Will probably never spend his time in that cabin with you. The guilt will just break him.

Hoodie

A man that is just a ticking time boom, but very calculating. All these years loneliness, trying to survive, and losing a part of him. Don’t you think he would grief over his lost and his fuck up life. He did but now he is in control of this body. No more blacking out or waiting for Brian to surrender to the operator.

Hoodie is just someone you don’t want to push hard. He doesn’t know humans emotions as he used to. So he might mistake excitement with sarcastic. Or sadness with anger. He’ll will threaten you with his gun if he feel you being ungrateful of his love or the things he gets for you. But don’t worry he keeps his gun unloaded, but you don’t know that. But he is not as bad, when he actually sees that you are sad he’ll pull you up and confront you. He will(if you are good.) will read you a story. He is very nonchalant

Toby

Toby is a killer, who just doesn’t understand why he kept you alive. You ruined his cold heart and you made him insecure about everything. His now long hair is always covering his huge gush. His body still lean but with a bit of muscle, his hair is long. And he can control his mental health more then he used too. But he still have heavy mood swings. You have to watch out for that, he’ll probably break your lambs or even try to bite the side of your face so you could match him.

Toby is always trying to impress you with giving you flowers. Or trying to dance with you in night. He’ll even watch other people outside or on a movie to impress you. Sometimes you’ll get to see him and sometimes you’ll never see him for a whole month

[ninjamelissajulien]

Notes on Wyldfyre's Voice Messages

out of EVERYONE in Dragons Rising, it's an interesting choice to have Wydfyre be the one to vent out her grief. And that's what this is.

Grief.

1: Why am I doing this?

The idea that Lloyd offered this idea, of sending voice messages [writing letters] to Kai [to the "deceased"] is a great coping method for younger children when dealing with loss. It's a hard idea to conceptualize when dealing with grief at a young age [since this is on LEGO Kids, its presumed for younger children]. "...why would I talk to someone who can't hear me?" parallels the idea of a child not understanding the idea of "the person you love is still around us, even if we can't see them." Its a way to talk without pressure, of getting everything off your chest without aiming it at a real person.

"I refuse to accept that you're trapped away from us and never coming back. I know you'll be back. You're probably on your way back right now." Again, another fascinating parallel to the loss/death of a loved one. In a personal connection - Last year (2023), I lost my grandmother to pneumonia after an 18 year battle with cancer. I was unable to see her before she died (long story), so, the last time I got to physically see her was between a half to a full year before she had died. While I was up at her house with my family, it felt like she was going to walk into the house at any time. I felt like I had no closure, even after the funeral/cremation. So, Wyldfyre waiting for Kai to come back is her way of saying she doesn't have closure. She's in denial. [Even though we all know our beloved Fire Ninja is coming back at some point].

"With you gone, no one understands me here." Kai was, honestly, the first one to really reach out and understand Wyldfyre from HER point of view. She grew up, literally, in the wild [Wyld]- so she is harsh, brash, crude, hot headed. Kai, at first, tried to teach her like how he was taught, but learned to adjust to her needs. He learned how to talk to her, how to connect with her, in a way that wasn't dehumanizing or insulting to how she was raised.

In relation to "Sora and Arin don't know what its like to lose a mentor like you"- Sora rejected her former mentor, seeing how La Rowe treated dragons, but Arin. Arin is stagnant. He's trapped in the rut of trying to find his family. He's dealing with loss, but he doesn't know how to grow from it.

2: So what now?

Wyldfyre is on Heatwave being taken to an unknown place and she is feeling excited and free again- only to be hit with the conflicting feelings of guilt, heartache, frustration, and sadness.

She's wondering about why she gets to enjoy the feeling of flight, the beautiful sky, the wind, etc while Kai is trapped. She doesn't know what's happened to him (like if he's okay other than being trapped), what he sees.

This is an interesting perspective into grief. Why should I get to enjoy this while the person I love (platonically) is suffering? Why do I get to see the sky while Kai is stuck?

Its interesting to note that Wyldfyre describes where she is as "peaceful". Right now, she's in a tumultuous state of mind, hence why Heatwave is taking her to a safer place.

"I feel bad looking at this beautiful sky and knowing that you might never get to see one again." This is such an excellent viewpoint of grief/survivor's guilt from a child's perspective. The pain in her voice of "It's not fair that you're gone, Kai."

"What did you do to deserve this? You were just trying to protect us." God, this is not only heartbreaking but, surprisingly realistic in terms of dealing with this kind of loss.

3: I am Rage

"where Fire Dragons come from all over... for a huge family celebration." Boy Lego really is making us and Wyldfyre suffer, huh. Its like each voice message resonates with a varying stage of grief.

1: Denial. 2: Depression/Despair. 3: Anger.

"Why did you leave us, Kai?" Lego, when I catch you Lego, when I catch you-

4: Desperate Measures

someone please send these to Vincent so he can respond to them as Kai :(

overall, I think this is one of the more interesting perspectives we've gotten in a long time. I do feel like they didn't fully capture Wyldfyre's nature, as she doesn't speak very eloquently. She's much more brash and blunt, but otherwise I think this is excellent!

[c-poetjoycciwi]

Everyone feels guilty for feelings. Anger. Pain. sadness. Grief. Uncomfortable emotions that eat you away inside to a disgusting place, a person you don’t want to see in the mirror- a guilt that overtakes you, turning your perception into a monster.

But what about feeling guilty for joy? I’m sorry I send you too much. I’m sorry I talk to you too much. I’m sorry I smile and squeal and jump too much. I’m sorry I get too excited. I’m sorry I cry so much in happiness. I’m sorry I feel so much and can’t just keep it to myself. I’m sorry I’m so clingy, I’m sorry I want you more than anything, I’m sorry for wanting you all the time too much and loving you more than I can hold, I’m sorry I’m trying so hard to find so much joy in small things that it overwhelms me. I’m so sorry I’m too much.

[veraynes-blog]

what is your opinion of the 11th doctor? and also 9 ?

My opinion on Eleven changes depending on the day you ask me, honestly 😅 Sometimes I really like him as the Doctor. Even now, I'd always defend him as incredibly compelling to watch. Matt Smith brought an amazing energy to the role. He did a fantastic job of portraying the boundless excitement of a childlike Doctor while also being able to show glimpses of a being that is ancient and tired and profoundly sad.

As for Eleven as a character, I'm conflicted. I don't think he's the Doctor at his best or most noble. He's immature, not in age but because he's choosing to act immaturely - running from responsibilities, ignoring commitments, indulging his anger, being insensitive to the love and sacrifices of others, and purposely forgetting his own past wrongs because that's his coping mechanism of choice. We see as much when Ten is horrified that Eleven no longer remembers the death toll of Gallifrey. I'm not sure that's even true, but knowledge like that does seem to be something Eleven shoves to the very back of his awareness because he just doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it and still function.

I think that immaturity extends to his relationships. I think he loves his friends/companions/romances very intensely - but it's a careless, selfish kind of love. He loves them like characters in a fairy tale (Amelia Pond). He loves them while they're in front of him (River). He loves them like objects of curiosity (Clara). But there's a reason that he's the version of the Doctor who doesn't get the epic, death-defying, grand romance with anyone. He can't maintain it. He's running from pain and guilt and grief and he can't stop for anything, including connection.

I do like him, though. There's a massive charm to Eleven, even if I happen to think it's a fickle one.

I also like Nine, but I'll be the first to admit I'm not as familiar with his season. I've only watched it properly once, years ago now, so I don't have the same detailed opinions on his character I'm afraid.

[vitzoki]

💜mental check in!💜

Just popping in to say that whatever you are feeling right now is VALID.

I’ve been feeling A LOT. Most of which I can’t explain. But a surprisingly big part has been loneliness. So I thought I would make this post to possibly help someone else feel less lonely.

Here are some of my thoughts, and how I choose to rationalise them:

• It seems like the actors and creators are moving on very quickly - Anger and sadness and guilt- they have all gone through this grieving process since summer, they love this project just as much as you, but are also excited for their journey with other stuff their doing! How lucky you are to find out what that “other stuff” is!

• This is an end. - Sadness and grief - In some ways yes. But it’s all still here! You can rewatch the episodes. And the fandom is still VERY much active. And you’re not leaving, right? As for the story? It’s changing mediums! The characters still have so much life to live. There are soooo many talented fanfic writers out there. GO FIND THEM.

• The finale (ew hate that word) was PERFECT! - Happiness and glee - YESSS A PISITIVE FEELING! We like having those! And yes. “Finale” is so… final?

•I feel like I have a way too strong reaction. Why am I so dramatic? - Panic and guilt - Noo. It’s big. EVERY. FEELING. IS. VALID. + you have a lot going on in real life. It’s all just exploding now.

•Everything hurts - idk - Let it. But not too much.

•I love everyone involved in this show so incredibly much I wanna thank them and hug them and jsjsjdjs - Love, sombreness, sadness, confusion? - They know. In some weird, incomprehensible way. And be careful not to go too far into this parasocial relationship spiderweb!

•THEY COMPLETED A REVOLUTION 😭😭😭😭😭 - So. Many. Feelings. - I KNOWWWW AAAAAAAAAA

Feel free to DM me if you want help with your feelings!💜 love you lot🫶

UPDATE I JUST SAW EDVINS POST ON IG I TAKE IT ALL BACK IM JUST SO FUCKIMG SAAD GOOOOODBYE

[pendwelling]

Man, reading how heartbroken Cedric was over Yeseo's death was amazing. Chef's kiss. Like the GRIEF and the REGRET and especially the anger when there were SO MANY CLUES!! like that old woman who prophesied Jesse's death.. AND?! WHEN THEY FINALLY REUNITED AND THE MYTH-GRADE DEMONIC BEAST SHOWED UP.. BRO KNELT DOWN AND PROPOSED A COVENANT. MIDDLE NAME AND EVERYTHING. I felt like I was reading a marriage proposal even though I know that the rituals usually go this way 😭 also Aurelie bottling up her emotions after Jesse died.. HER GRIEF AND GUILT MAAAN. And when she was looking over Jesse's body at Juliette if I remember correctly she finally called him her child!! Only for it to go unheard by deaf ears.. SOB SOB AND EVAAA WHEN SHE VISITED JULIETTE AND ACKNOWLEDGING JESSE AS LIKE A BIG BROTHER 😭😭😭😭 I loved when the devine beasts awoke too when yeseo arrived. Twas amazing and it was very heartwarming reading the hope and joy the kids and johan etc. had that Jesse was back. Now, Cedric wants to lock him away back at the palace.. so mistakes won't be repeated 😭 even tho it isn't said and it's most likely johan used his wind ether, I like to think he bridle carried yeseo out of the barracks hehe wwww and our smart ga-in quickly figuring out yeseo's identity, but only after Jesse passed 😭 she was so ready to accept her too I loovee her. And the dynamic between Emma and her too lol.. I like the acknowledgement of same-sex attraction in TWSB idk bc usually in novels I read it's like the idea isn't even possible so it's nice lol "my mermaid" is such a nice name too knees weak lmfao. Also glad yeseo kept his purple eyes to a certain extent, bc I they're so pretty I was scared haha and idk I feel a little sad he's not called prince anymore (which is understandable ofc) but I loved seeing the difference in respect and honorifics when johan used more respectful terms towards yeseo since he sees him as his master.. anyways thanks for reading my long tangent if u got to the end LMFAO school is kicking my ass and I've been binging to forget the stress so like Jesse always says, "grab onto that small thread of hope!" Or whatever. fighting lesgoo!!!

GOD.

IVE LOWKEY BEEN ANTICIPATING YOUR THOUGHTS OVER POST-301 HAHAHJSMSK

THE GRIEF AND ANGERRRRRR 😭😭😭 GODAAMNNN SOOKYM REALLY JUST. KNOWS HOW TO CREATE EMOTIONAL BUILD UP AND TENSION SO SO SO WELL

I cry over Aurélie's reaction everyday :')))))) Jesse was her KID. HER PRECIOUS ONLY DISCIPLE!!!!! SHE WEPT OVER HIM AND READ HIM BOOKS BY HIS BODY'S BEDSIDE...... AND EVVVAVVAAAAAAA

Literally it was heart-wrenching reading Aurélie's reaction to finding out through GERRIT'S POV 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HE BARELY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON!!! AURELIE BROKE DOWN!! SOMETHING BAD CLEARLY HAPPENED, BUT WHAT EXACTLY?

Absolutely devastating move of Sookym to pull, giving us the child outsider POV of such a heartbreaking scene :')))

Yeseo's debut into TWSB is also so exciting. The identity porn was real (the way he chose "Heineken" of all names as his alias is also so funny to me wKSJSKKSKSKS)

AND THEN THE PROPOSAL 😭😭😭 CÉDRIC RIESTER, WHY ARE YOU SO CHEESYYYYY DONT DO IT IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE!!!! CHAIN JESSE'S SOUL TO YOUR SIDE ANOTHER DAY!!

Glad you mentioned Emma Corleone too hehe, I love the Admiral a lot wkdjkdkddk i have the hots for me.,,, My bi liege, if françois or chris dont want to be your next spouse............... im right here— //slapped

(also i feel you abt about the purple eyes! Theyre such a significant detail so im not surprised he kept them (even if only when using ether haha) but stil!!!! The purple eyes are great!!! Hes truly favoured by the universe's lord hehe)

It was nice hearing your thoughts!! I hope school goes easy on you soon as well!

[darkstar225]

Twice's 10th member ft the song Her Last Words

A/N: Heyyy, I'm back FR lol! Sry for taking so long to post but finally the semester ended :D I hope the anon that gave me this idea on Tumblr likes it! :)

The request: Hey! Do you know the song 'her last word's it was trend before. It was a sad song and it makes me sobbing and still now, so i make it a request, if you never heard anything about the song you can hear it in YouTube and change the friend in the school is her biological parents (yes she's doesn't have really good childhood with her parents again), but the plot twist is the reader survive in the end of the hospital bed but the member don't know and the reader is searching for them to asking forgiveness (because she's in coma for 3 months and she heard every conversation her member) but the member is in concert in Japan so she going there and meet her member, i read your story and it was perfectly angsty but yet fluffy, you got a big passion for writing while me writing one chapter take a months.

PS: Tysm for everyone that reads what I write, I hope I can bring a smile to your faces every time I post! I'd like to thank whoever sent me this idea 'cause I loved to write it <3

__________________________________________________________

The hospital room was quiet, save for the faint sound of machines beeping in the background. The maknae lays motionless on the sterile white bed, her body covered in bandages, evidence of a painful ordeal she had survived. Three months had passed since that fateful day when her life took an unexpected turn. Y/N was a member of the popular girl group TWICE, known for their infectious music and vibrant personalities. At just 18 years old, she was the youngest member and cherished by fans around the world. But behind the bright smiles and energetic performances, she had carried a heavy burden in her heart. Her parents, who were her legal guardians, had not been the loving figures one would expect. TWICE's honey had endured a difficult childhood, marred by neglect and emotional abuse. Eventually, she made the decision to distance herself from them, finding solace and support among her fellow TWICE sisters.

One day, as the girl was leaving school, she received a call from her parents' lawyer. Her parents had been involved in a tragic car accident and had not survived. The news hit her hard, stirring up a storm of conflicting emotions. Guilt, anger, and grief consumed her, leaving her feeling utterly lost. Unable to cope with the overwhelming pain, the maknae found solace in a song she stumbled upon online. "Her Last Words" captured her heart with its haunting melody and relatable lyrics. It spoke of a person's desperate struggle with depression and their ultimate decision to end their life. The song became her refuge, her outlet for the torrent of emotions she couldn't express. Months went by, and the wounds on TWICE's kiddo's body slowly healed, but the scars on her soul remained. She had been in a coma for three long months, but during that time, she had heard every conversation around her. She had listened as her fellow members spoke about their guilt, their sorrow, and their longing for her to wake up.

Y/N knew she needed to find them and ask for their forgiveness. The guilt she carried for leaving them without explanation weighed heavily on her heart. With newfound determination, she packed her bags and made her way to Japan, where the group was set to perform their next concert. The concert venue was a sea of lights and excited fans. The youngest, weakened by her ordeal, struggled to navigate the bustling crowd. She found a spot near the stage, a place where she hoped to catch a glimpse of her friends. As the music started and the members appeared on stage, her heart swelled with a mixture of love and longing. Unbeknownst to Y/N, her absence had left a noticeable void in the group. Each member had mourned her loss in their own way, with guilt and regret eating away at them. They had dedicated their performances to her, hoping that somehow, she would hear their voices and know they still cared.

During a break between songs, TWICE's angel managed to catch the attention of one of the staff members. Frail and weak, she explained her situation, desperate to be reunited with her friends. Moved by her story, the staff member quickly arranged for her to meet the group backstage after the concert. The moment she stepped into the backstage area, her heart raced with anticipation and anxiety. She could hear the distant sounds of laughter and chatter, a stark contrast to the heaviness she had carried for months. As she turned the corner, her eyes met the astonished gazes of her fellow TWICE unnies. Time seemed to stand still as they stared at each other, unable to comprehend what they were seeing. Tears streamed down the maknae's face as she stumbled forward, reaching out to touch them, to confirm that they were real. And as their arms enveloped her in a warm, loving embrace filled with forgiveness and relief, Y/N felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She had found her way back to the people who cared for her most, and they were here to welcome her with open arms.

The room erupted with a mixture of tears, laughter, and indescribable emotions. Y/N's presence was a miraculous sight, a testament to her strength and resilience. The members took turns embracing her tightly, their whispered apologies and words of love mingling in the air. Jihyo, the group's mother, especially to their dear maknae, held her child's face gently in her hands, her eyes brimming with tears and her voice choked with emotion. 

Jihyo - We thought we had lost you forever, baby. But you're here, and that's all that matters. We missed you so much, sweetheart!

Sana made her bright smile that lit up the room known and clung to her sugar's side, her voice trembling with joy. 

Sana - You have no idea how much we've dreamed of this moment, darling! We wanted to tell you how sorry we were, how much we love you, and how desperately we wanted you back.

The rest of the members surrounded Y/N, showering her with affectionate words and tight hugs. Dahyun, Chaeyoung, Momo, Jeongyeon, Nayeon, and Tzuyu expressed their remorse for not being able to protect her from the pain she had endured. They vowed to always be there for her, to make up for the lost time and the hurt she had suffered. As the kid soaked in the overwhelming love and support, she realized that her journey to find forgiveness was not in vain. The song that had brought her solace in her darkest moments had led her to this beautiful reunion. The pain she had endured had transformed into a deeper connection with her fellow sisters, fortifying their bond beyond measure.

Days turned into weeks, and TWICE's star physical strength slowly returned. She resumed her activities with the group, cherishing each moment on stage, knowing that she had been given a second chance. The members, now more united than ever, supported her wholeheartedly, their performances radiating with an added layer of gratitude and love. Y/N's story became an inspiration to many. She shared her experiences, encouraging others to seek help and find solace in music and the support of loved ones. Her journey of forgiveness and healing resonated with fans worldwide, reminding them of the importance of empathy, understanding, and the power of second chances. And as she stood on stage, surrounded by her chosen family, the echoes of "Her Last Words" filled the arena once more. This time, however, the lyrics took on a different meaning, a testament to TWICE's pride and joy's resilience, the strength of their bond, and the hope that arises from even the darkest of places.

As the stage reached its end, the light turned off at the same time Y/N closed her eyes, tears streaming down her face. She knew she had come a long way from the hospital bed to this moment of triumph. And with the love of her TWICE family and the support of their devoted fans, she thought while thinking about how she could overcome anything that lay ahead:

I love my dear unnies.

A/N: I apologise for any errors, English is not my first language. Pls, let me know if there's something wrong, ty for reading <3

[souled-out-2023]

Breakup: lean into hope

When I was in the early stages of my breakup, a lot of really intense feelings swallowed me up and made it hard to focus on everyday activities. It truly felt like those emotions weren’t ever going away, like I would be stuck forever in that mess of longing, guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, et cetera. A great relief and an anchor for me was looking to the future, and having hope that things would turn out better over time. Hoping that all the things I had been missing and struggling with in the last year would run their course and bloom with new opportunities. 

Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s difficult to pull yourself out of that hole when it’s so much more natural to just dwell. Honestly, I even felt guilty sometimes for trying to just not think about the breakup. I tried to remind myself in the midst of all the grief, though, that I deserved happiness. I at least deserved some temporary peace from all the tears and reminiscing, and I found that temporary peace in working to the future. I sought out some self-help advice on the Internet and TikTok (one of my favorite creators is Shelby Sacco on Instagram and TikTok. She has a lot of great breakup and self-improvement advice). I wrote down my goals and affirmations, and journaled more often. I reached out to some old friends and tried to focus on the things coming up that I was excited for. I played intramurals with my friends, and tried to get more social, to meet new people and go to new places. The cool things, big or small, that I had lined up for the coming weeks gave me ways to look forward to waking up each day.

It’s difficult when your whole world is crashing down, to feel like everything is changing for the better. But chances are, it is. That clarity just takes time to find, and it comes bit by bit. It’s been about 5 months since my breakup, and almost 3 from cutting contact. Despite a lot of hard nights, a lot of difficult feelings that still come and go, I know I made the right decision. I don’t love how things ended, and I have plenty of regrets, but I still know I’m doing better now than I would have been if I stayed. It’s scary to make those changes, and hard to deal with all the leftover feelings that come from a hard breakup. However, it’s rewarding to feel your life changing for the better, moment by moment. I look at where my life is now, and see all the cool things I was able to do during my breakup despite all that pain. I also see the amazing things I have planned for the future, from my major, to events with my friends, to sports, to clubs, to summer activities, to next year in college.

Now, I’m not saying you should pressure yourself to be fine, to go out and accomplish every single thing on your bucket list. You’re going through a huge life change, so be kind to yourself. Rest, and make times to do things that help you relax, that let you slow down. Take your time healing; you’re no less valuable or important just because you were too upset to get to the gym today. I’ve done so, so much sitting around and crying to sad songs in the past few months, and I think that’s equally important. (More on that in another post.) I talk about the future not because you should be pressuring yourself into productivity, but because making plans and setting goals can be a source of inspiration and excitement. If you’re looking at the ways your life can change for the better, all the beautiful things you can do to grow into yourself without that person, the breakup can feel much more bearable. 

So, the point: Lean into hope for the future. Have faith that eventually, this pain and tumult will fade to leave you with fantastic results.

A

[hocusbogus]

Journal Entry: 2 May 2023 (Tuesday)

It’s so satisfying that the month started “in order”, today being 2nd of May and 2nd day of the week, a Tuesday.

I’m back here  to digest the past couple of weeks because my parents flew in to visit for Raya break, in which I didn’t take any extra leaves but thankfully my work is pretty flexible for me to still be able to take them around.

Were there any triggering stuff? Yes, of course. I had quite a lot of realisation of the little habits I picked up from them or the defence and coping mechanism I have because of how they treated me, at the same time I do feel a sense of comfort having them around, I don’t know how to explain it.

I love it because my mom cooks and we eat together, and it’s nice to have someone cook for me, I am an act of service person after all. Other than that I observed the fact that I tend to rush to get out of the car because I mimicked them, also I get defensive a lot because I often feel judged by them because they like to compare me to others growing up.

But realising all these just made me more aware of my reactions, not letting it affect or define me any longer, I just feel like as we grow older our parents seemed less mighty. We used to rely on them a lot because they’re supposed to take care of us but as we grow into adulthood, especially if we had to re-parent ourselves, it seems like they’re not mighty at all and they’re more “human” than we think they are. 

I have a sense of guilt and pity towards them, knowing how blessed my life is, away from trauma and the shackles that is my upbringing, but they are still there living life with barely any improvement from the past. It made me feel guilty somehow, but why do I feel this guilt? Was it imposed? Or is this just the human part of me? But at the same time I don’t think we’re meant to be together more than just a “visit”, I will not be able to live with them ever again. We’re just not compatible that way. I value my own space so much now.

But it was nice to have them around for a bit, I have to admit, it was not as bad as I thought it was gonna be, even though it was Mercury Retrograde. We visited my cousin and her family in Cheras on the second day of Raya, at least there were some familiar faces, I didn’t feel out of place or dreading it, it felt nice.

It was tiring physically for me because I still had to work and then take them around, but it was nice, so thankful for that.

I’ve also been enjoying content from Yoongi and his tour, can’t wait for the one in Jakarta in which Latun and I are going, so excited! 

How about work? I am simply doing it, am I super ecstatic? Not really. I am however feeling better about work, as in I can do it better with less anxiety, working on it! I always get adhd paralysis at work, it’s just so overwhelming but I think I am doing okay if I apply more structure with time blocking, it’s actually very manageable. 

As for personal relationship, I don’t know if this is healthy but I don’t feel that sad, am I suppressing or have I grieved it enough? Not sure, but I really need him to move out asap, this is getting ridiculous, like how do we move on if we’re still going on this way? I hope he takes this shit seriously because my 5 stages of grief is about to circle back to anger.

Anyway, just finished doing a sheet mask, need to wake up early to head to the office tomorrow. 

Might be an interesting day tomorrow, with surprises.

[nathfiset]

The miracle of a rainbow baby

The joy of bringing a new life into this world is unrivaled. However, for many couples, the journey to parenthood is a long and arduous one. Miscarriages, stillbirths, and infertility can often leave couples feeling broken and hopeless. Yet, amidst all this heartache, there is a glimmer of hope in the form of a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a term used to describe a child born after a loss, symbolizing the hope and promise of new beginnings after a storm.The journey to welcoming a rainbow baby is often fraught with anxiety and fear, as previous losses can make the experience nerve-wracking. The emotions experienced during this time are complex and can range from feelings of joy and hope to fear and anxiety. However, the miracle of a rainbow baby cannot be denied, and the love and hope that come with their arrival are immeasurable.1. Definition of a rainbow baby.A rainbow baby is a term used to describe a child born after the loss of a previous child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The term "rainbow" is used to represent the hope and beauty that can emerge after a storm of grief and loss. The idea of a rainbow baby provides a sense of comfort and healing to parents who have experienced the pain of losing a child. The journey of a rainbow baby can be emotional and complex, as parents may experience a range of feelings, from excitement and joy to sadness and anxiety. However, the birth of a rainbow baby is often seen as a miracle and a symbol of hope for families who have experienced loss.2. The emotional journey of loss.The emotional journey of loss is a difficult road for anyone to travel. The grief experienced after losing a child can be overwhelming and all-consuming. The journey can be particularly challenging for mothers who have suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth. The loss of a child can cause feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and depression. It is important to acknowledge and validate these emotions in order to begin the healing process. It is okay to grieve and take the time to mourn the loss of a child. The emotional journey of loss can be a long and difficult process, but with time, support, and self-care, it is possible to find hope and healing. The miracle of a rainbow baby can bring joy and hope to the journey of loss, but it is important to remember that the emotions and grief associated with the loss do not disappear with the arrival of a new baby. It is important to continue to process and acknowledge the emotions associated with the loss in order to fully heal and move forward.3. The miracle of new life.The arrival of a new life is always a momentous occasion, but for parents who have experienced the loss of a child, the miracle of new life takes on even greater significance. The term "rainbow baby" refers to a child born after the loss of a previous child, symbolizing hope and a new beginning after a stormy period. The journey to parenthood after a loss can be filled with anxiety, fear, and uncertainty, but the arrival of a rainbow baby brings a sense of joy and healing to the family. This miracle of new life is a testament to the resilience and strength of the human spirit, and a reminder that even in the darkest of times, hope and happiness can still shine through.4. Finding hope after tragedy.The experience of losing a child can be one of the most devastating and heartbreaking tragedies that a parent can go through. The grief and pain can feel overwhelming, leaving parents feeling hopeless and lost. However, many parents have found hope and healing through the miracle of a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a child born to parents who have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss in the past. The term "rainbow baby" is derived from the idea that a rainbow appears after a storm, symbolizing hope and a new beginning. The journey to a rainbow baby can be filled with ups and downs, but it is a journey of hope and healing that has brought joy to many families. In this document, we will explore the concept of a rainbow baby and ways in which parents can find hope and healing after the tragedy of losing a child.5. Coping with the fear.Coping with the fear of losing another pregnancy after experiencing a loss can be a challenging and emotional experience. It's important to acknowledge and process these feelings while seeking support from loved ones and healthcare professionals. Remember to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally, by engaging in activities that bring you comfort and relaxation. Additionally, consider joining a support group or speaking with a therapist to work through any unresolved emotions or anxieties. Remember that every pregnancy is unique and to try to focus on the present moment and take things one day at a time. With the right support and coping mechanisms, it is possible to navigate the fear and anxiety that can come with a rainbow pregnancy.6. Celebrating the arrival of a rainbow baby.The arrival of a rainbow baby is a miraculous event that deserves to be celebrated. This term is used to describe a baby born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. The loss of a child can be one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure, and bringing a new life into the world after such a tragedy is a testament to resilience and hope. Parents who have experienced the loss of a child often experience a range of emotions during a rainbow pregnancy, including anxiety and fear, but also joy and gratitude. Celebrating the arrival of a rainbow baby can be a significant step in the healing process for parents and their families, and can serve as a reminder that hope and happiness can be found even in the midst of grief.7. The impact on family dynamics.When a couple experiences the loss of a pregnancy, it can have a profound impact on their family dynamics. The grief can be overwhelming, and it often affects not only the couple but also their extended family and friends. The arrival of a rainbow baby, a term used to describe a baby born after a pregnancy loss, can bring a range of emotions for everyone involved. While the arrival of a new baby is often seen as a joyous occasion, it can also be a complex and emotional time. Siblings may feel a mix of excitement and jealousy, while grandparents and other family members may feel both happiness and sadness, as they remember the baby that was lost. It is important for families to communicate openly and support one another during this time, as everyone processes their emotions and adjusts to the new family dynamics.8. The importance of support systems.The journey of having a rainbow baby is not an easy one. It is important to have a strong support system in place during this time. Support systems can come in many forms such as family, friends, support groups, and even therapists. It is important to have people around you who can provide emotional support, a listening ear, and practical help when needed. They can help you process the mix of emotions that come with the journey of having a rainbow baby, including grief, fear, and anxiety. Additionally, they can provide encouragement and hope during the difficult times. Support systems can make all the difference in navigating this journey and can help you feel less alone during this miraculous, yet challenging time.9. Moving forward with gratitude.When it comes to the journey of having a rainbow baby, it's important to remember the significance of moving forward with gratitude. After experiencing the pain and heartbreak of a loss, it can be difficult to see the beauty and hope in the future. However, by focusing on the positive aspects of the experience, such as the love and support from family and friends, the strength and resilience that was gained, and the joy and excitement of welcoming a new life, it is possible to find gratitude in even the toughest of times. By cultivating a mindset of thankfulness, we can not only help ourselves heal and move forward, but also inspire those around us who may be going through similar struggles. So, let us embrace the miracle of a rainbow baby with gratitude and appreciation for the journey that has brought us here.10. Sharing your rainbow baby story.The miracle of a rainbow baby is a term used to describe a child born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Sharing your rainbow baby story can be a powerful way to heal and connect with others who have experienced similar struggles. It can also raise awareness and reduce the stigma around these types of losses. If you choose to share your story, there are several ways to do so. You may consider writing a blog post, creating a social media post, or participating in a podcast or interview. It is important to remember that sharing your story is a personal decision and you should only do so when you feel comfortable and ready. It can be a vulnerable and emotional experience, but it can also be a source of hope and inspiration for others.In conclusion, the birth of a rainbow baby is a testament to the strength and resilience of the human spirit. The journey to parenthood is not always easy, and for those who have experienced the loss of a child, it can be a particularly difficult road. The arrival of a rainbow baby brings hope and healing, and serves as a reminder that miracles do happen. While the journey to parenthood may not always be straightforward, the love and joy that a child brings to our lives makes it all worthwhile. As professionals, it is important that we offer support and empathy to those who have experienced loss, and celebrate the arrival of every new life with open hearts and open minds.

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