#great now that can leave my brain
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I’m sorry-
#great now that can leave my brain#my art#others art#doodles#no this is not going on my fucking art blog lmao#linked universe#Lu update#Lu time#..oh fuck it’s not leaving my brain shit-#Live time reaction
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If I had the ability to led on a grown ass man (without even doing much) for 5 centuries I'd be proud as fuck, lemme tell ya...
Mor probably...
#And I don't even have to do anything!!#Like he's just gonna stay in love with me all this time while I fuck other men (secretly women too... mostly women)#as if I haven't made it FUCKING CLEAR that I don't want a relationship with him...#I lost my virginity to another man to not led him on and make him think we can ever be more than just friends and family#And then I'm literally going through the most traumatic experience of my life and he confesses his great love to me#I'm not in the right place whatsoever and obviously its not a right time he's an idiot and doesn't read the room haha *awkward silence*#AND I just don't say anything and leave (I'm literally at loss for word at this point)#but it doesn't end here... he just doesn't get it!!!#even after that he doesn't try to get close to me and make me comfortable enough to be with him so we can share this strong friendship no..#he stands in the corner of the room look at me weirdly and broods waiting for a mate bond to snap...#I guess *flip hair over shoulder* *teehee* I'm just THAT bitch you know😌💅🏼#part of this man's brain doesn't work istg...#morrigan#the morrigan#pro morrigan#morrigan acotar#I'm sorry for being messy hehe#but I just couldn't resist it#it's both Mor and Azriel week lmao#I had this in my draft for like months!!! and I think now it's a right time to post it lol#this is not exactly an anti post#this mostly toward Azriel stans iykyk
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ok i wasn't planning on posting much until i finally worked up the spoons to write up a final hurricane helene aftermath resources post but i need some uh fucking escapism rn i think so hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
if anyone wants to ask me anything or even just ramble about atbb and my guys that would be awesome i think
#trousled dumb#god i love being an american coming to adulthood in the 2020s after having been politically aware since 2016 its so awesome and great#i cant super guarantee that i'll be able to respond to things right away bc it's 3am rn#but something to keep me from doomscrolling / giving in to The Anger tomorrow would not be horrible to have . yknow#btw even tho i said ask it doesnt actually have to be a question or anything. u can literally just talk at me about atbb and ill die for u#sometimes i wonder if im more hyperfixated on my own story than undertale itself. i think they go hand in hand but that is to say#Those Fuckers Never Leave My Brain So I Really Like Talking About Them okay thats all posting the post now [ppblolbth
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i just did so many dishes and it was so fun peace and love on planet earth YIPPEE!!!!!!
#byrd chirps#byrd's business#this is genuine btw i love doing dishes#it keeps my hands busy and allows my brain to wander freely#it's very soothing#at least when I'm having a good day#on a bad day it just makes me more miserable because it leaves me alone with my thoughts#but today! today is a very good day!!!!#i have a brand new roommate whom i love platonically very very much#they're so great#I never knew chores and cleaning up could be so much fun!!!#i wonder what it says about my previous household that i hated doing chores but now that i live with my bestie it makes me so so happy?#probably because i see it as doing something nice for them which is always fun#whereas living with my family it was an obligation that‚ if not completed in time and correctly‚ could lead to consequences#yeah that would do it wouldn't it#I hope we can go shopping for food today but if not we can go tomorrow#there's a community day challenge going on in Pikmin Bloom that i wanna see if I can beat#but i think it goes for both saturday and sunday so it's nbd if I don't do it today
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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I think sometimes you just have to make peace with the fact that your actual hobby is collecting books. And that that's okay.
#i used to devour eight books a week up until I was about 22#i couldn't fathom leaving anything in the house unread#then it's like my brain maxed out#coincided with my cptsd manifesting in crippling depression‚ triggering my bipolar#and hitting that mid-20s adhd wall where all your coping mechanisms fall apart#it's just been getting worse ever since#i can no longer read anything but fanfic#i was able to make a great headway through alexis hall's work but then I fell into a hyperfixation again so#bye bye everything else#i couldn't read comics even when I was back to hyperfixating on comics#i can't absorb things and when I do I can't hold them in my head#i used to be able to pull out entire passages of my favourite books from memory#now I can barely remember what happened in them#sometimes i wonder whether it even mattered that i used to be such a voracious reader#sure it gave me writing skills but i was never able to do much with them because of the complete mental and physical breakdown#and people young enough to be my kids write better than I ever did#i still have the thirst and hunger for knowledge and stories#but no capacity for it at all#books#reading#just adhd things#actually adhd#burnout#book collection#knee of huss
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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"is it depression, or am i between hyperfixations?"
-the title of give-soup-please's latest autobiography
#god help me if it's both lmao#this is not bad depression with ideation and the like#but it's manifesting as an extreme malaise#don't care about anything. don't want to do anything. just want to sit on couch.#i don't generally do well when i'm in between the hyperfixations#i need media to think about to keep me afloat#hmmmmm#so- neurodivergence comes in many forms#for me- i take great comfort in soothing myself with repetitive media#which means it's hard to branch out into new things#which leaves me in a position of 'i need to try something new to find something to latch on to'#and the other part of my brain starts screaming#i tend to get overly attached and ride the up and down waves to the extreme when it comes to experiencing new media for the first time#i generally spoiler myself for all new media so i can watch it and be mentally prepared to deal with it#but of course this causes my brain to stagnate and desire surprises while rejecting them outright#so i find myself in a complex position of-#'this old media isn't cutting it.'#'but i can't bear to try anything new right now'#'if i try something new i gotta vet it and look up all spoilers before heading in'#'because i'm feeling too fragile to handle catharsis that is too large right now'#(insert spongebob card here)#'my god it's been more than ten months since i've tried any new tv show or video game'#'i'm stagnating. can't move forward and i can't move back.'#'FUCK'#just wanna love the stuff i remember loving- you know?#yeah...#(melts into soup puddle on the floor)/neg
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and if i said.... pet.er peve.nsie.....
#i have never read the books but ive just watched the first 2 narnia movies#it was def my first time seeing prince caspian idk ab the other narnia i probs watched it as a kid#but he..... he is calling me#mr doomed blonde twink who makes poor choices but is doing his best....... welcome back all my muses#i was gonna say welcome back kurt but... tate... levi.... probably more#ive never been. Good at writing fantasy im not great w anything that requires lore#hes just. oh hes calling to me#and the. specifically the pains of living a life in narnia and being king and then having to go back to the real world and be Just A Kid#idk if hes in the third movie im ab to watch it now but the bitter sweet end of 2 where he says hes leaving narnia and he wont be coming ba#and aslan says its bc he has nothing more to learn from it like..... kinda heartbreaking and would destroy u as a person#a world where ur king and u do everything u can to make the right choices but u dont do things really right and u get people killed#and yeah narnia prevails but it doesnt prevail bc of u. its in part bc of u but ur decision cost lives it risked a lot#and then its like. well ur leaving now and thats it bc it taught u what u needed to learn#and like maybe it did but he had no chance at redemption at fixing things there like his redemption was to leave it to someone more capable#and then he has to just like. go be a person. and live a normal life#like thats wild#im gonna go watch the third movie if u have read the books sound off on if u think i should based entirely on my little rant ab peter#the issue here tho. is if i made him. u see. two muses named peter on this blog... both with a last name starting w p.... its almost like.#its almost like one would have to be a solo blog#'but quin ur literally never here anyway' but what if for a hyperfixation muse i was here#this post started w the intent of 'narnia peter solo blog' but now... i am thinking perhaps spider peter would be a better solo bc of his.#bc of the fixation i have#however he intimidates me a Lot as a solo blog bc hes such a. everyone knows him u know hes a Big muse and i fear the pressure of that#then again narnia i think is big too? and theres the talks of the new movies so thats also potentially big muse#its crazy bc i have sososo much muse for every muse i have but my brain is saying abandon this blog and make both peters solos#and i Cant do that#but at the same time................................#my issue has always been too many blogs and being stretched too thin but also. w all due respect. who cares#like i am here to have fun and most of the time my blogs dont last bc no one writes w me not bc i dont want those muses#and yeah theres no guarantee making a new blog would change that but idk. kinda vibe w the idea of starting new
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Ah manic energy making me seem productive for a few days before a shitty mental health crash, I’d hoped you were dead
#I can’t even be happy about the productivity because it’s gonna end up shitty anyways#I’m just gonna hope it doesn’t leave me too tired for my spring show next week#see like it sucks because there’s no bright side or silly little jokes to be made about whatever the fuck does this to my brain#like with my autism I can make silly little jokes and jabs at it to lighten the load#with this i literally don’t even know what I’m dealing with beyond a suspicion of bipolar (maybe) there’s nothing fun to find here#always great to be in dance and energetic and happy and shit and then realize why you’re like this right now and be like shit#this ain’t gonna last for long will it#anyways haha silly little funny jokes right guys#sorry this is very venty#I’m just so fucking done with this shitty ass brain making my life shitty#vent post#vent
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the thing is. I've said many times that it'd probably be better if I didn't post on here so much, especially when I'm not doing so great. it does not feel good. but. when I don't, it just all stays inside my head and it feels so much worse for far longer, so I really just don't know how I would cope without this.
#I mean I used to write in my diary instead. but it's not the same. it's like talking to myself which is like thinking which is the whole#damn problem in the first place#I can't bother my friends every time I feel like shit because it happens so much#and they don't get it#except my best friend but I already message them too much and they have their own shit going on#it's either this or lie in bed imagining [current blorbo] and talking it all out with them and basically just. daydreaming therapy.#but that tends to not be great because then I get stuck and don't want to do anything else because I'd rather be there forever.#which. idk but it doesn't feel that healthy to me.#I juuust want to be normal it's all I want it's all I've ever wanted#and then people say being weird is good and they love me for who I am and it's so so sweet and lovely but. I don't mean that. I mean I feel#like I'm insane and there's something wrong with my brain and it's not the fun quirky bits that people love about me. it's the never ending#constant relentless bad thoughts that I can't make go away OR even the good ones really. like I'm. so fucking obsessed right now and all I#want is to think about Dan and Jenkins but if I'm not careful it takes over everything and I. can not stop.#so. yeah I'm. not gonna leave because I can't and I don't really want to and I'm sorry because that means I'll have to keep posting#dumb shit like this every time my brain gets stupid#😭
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"watched" heavenly creatures while tumbling (oh no.bthere was a word. someone's mum invented a word! what was it again? I forgor), spilled coke on my fav jumper (😭), had the worst salad I ever paid money for, also the cutest delivery guy since that one pizza guy back in 2014(?). I mean. I wish I had had him. lol. tall, smiley, dark haired, curly, smiley, wet, smiley, curly, wet, hot, cute, smiley, wet jesus christ on a jalapeño
#either he was seriously giving tzp vibes or the insane movie tricked my two brain cells into orson wellessss like hallucinations 👀#i say things here#google does coke leave stains 😭#heavenly creatures#that was a ride fo sure#melanie lynskey#is so fucking underrated. its insane#wish i had watched it in not my mother language :(#I'm afraid the dub turned me off a bit. as usual#also my brain was like: can#kate winslet#be Henry's mum in the sequel??? 😳#the#mouth❣️#????#also#beauty marks#??????????!!!!!!!!!#ah great there was something in the food my skin is now burning for yayy#guess it's: tomato 🍅 time ⏰
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What is this problem and how do I fucking fix it.
#Mmmmm how do I enjoy myself like a normal human being instead of feeling crushing guilt if I’m taking a break for my own sake#I have a love hate relationship with my brain and mental illness#OCD I could do without you leave me alone#I’d like to keep all the manias to a minimum tyvm#Honestly I wish I didn’t have to medicate my ADHD but it’s hit or miss if I can function averagely if I don’t#I don’t fucking know where the dissociation periods came from as a kid#(Actually I do. Fuck you anxiety.)#but now I get freaked out if lose track of time or feel too emotional or like the world isn’t real#Mmmmmmm I just wish I could enjoy things and find happiness in them like I used to though#Yk it’d be great if I could take care of myself too instead of promptly forgetting to do basic human needs#My cat KitKatniss is here though and she’s v excited to see me#Anyways sorry#rant#Delete later#probably#I did rewatch a lot of She-ra was nice
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WIP Wednesday
tagged by @mooshkat, thank you so much friend!! <3 I've had the first draft of this (which is for @the-likesofus) open for at least a week now, and I just can't bring myself to edit it (mostly because my life has been a ~shit show~ recently) anywaaaaay here's some of what will be a very late 6.14 coda :))
“I’ve got a list, if you’re interested,” she continues. “I know being set up by your old tia might not be the most attractive idea, but you’ve just gotta find the right woman.” She grabs his hand, the one not wrapped tightly around his coffee mug. He lets her keep it, takes comfort in the familiar pressure of her hand in his, and tries not to worry that this might be the last time he’ll be able to. For a moment, he feels guilty about worrying—this is Tia Pepa, his favorite aunt, the one person who has always been on his side—but then he remembers what his parents—his father—had said when he’d tried having this conversation with them at nineteen. He knows Pepa and trusts her so much, but he’d trusted his parents too.
no pressure tagging (and sorry if you've already been tagged lol) @the-likesofus @lilbuddie @shortsighted-owl @jacksadventuresinwriting @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @wheelsupin-five <3
#idk i feel like pepa is a lil ooc (maybe not in this snippet) but idk what to do about it#but also i havent read this in a week so maybe i should just like. do that first?#it's literally less than 1000 words idk why its so hard#actually i do its because any thinking beyond consuming media and avoiding real life is Too Much Thinking rn#literally went to work yesterday and went home a half hour later because I cried the whole time lolllll#but today is better !!! and also today my boss commended my attitude yesterday so like. i feel so much better about the whole ordeal#the capitalism rlly got to me i was so guilty for leaving work#but my boss was like 'dont worry it was a situation you couldnt control but you can control your attitude and you were great'#she was like 'you tried sticking it out and thats more than enough' and i was like ok let me go cry some more now out of relief#i just. would really like emotions that don't overwhelm my brain because like. i cry at literally every heightened emotion ahaha#anywaaaaaay sorry to anyone reading these tags i'm just a bit unhinged atm#tag game#wip wednesday#mine
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I think I forgot to post a scoping update this week. I forgot multiple things I was supposed to do on Friday, so I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise. What happened on Friday? Did Friday happen at all?
The entire month of August doesn't quite feel real. The whole summer feels like it's neverending, but also passing by in the blink of an eye. I'm sure that's partly because of my grandpa's passing, partly because of remodeling the bathrooms, which has been a bigger upheaval that I realized it was going to be even though I didn't really need to do much myself.
I feel like I'm waiting for life to go back to normal. Like I'm waiting for just a single day where I can stay home all day and have no distractions or claims on my attention, where I can just hole up in my room and actually buckle down and work on writing and scoping homework. Because it seems like, even when I have a few hours in between workmen coming to the house, or going to my grandma's for a meal, or a thousand other responsibilities and errands that aren't supposed to take much time, I blink and those hours are gone and I haven't done anything more productive than catch up on my Tumblr dashboard.
Tomorrow I'll be eight hours behind on what's supposed to be my scoping schedule. And I'm probably not going to have time to do much, if any, homework until Thursday this week. I'm getting horrible flashbacks to college, even though my current deadlines are completely self-imposed. It's that feeling of finding yourself balancing on a ball that's rolling down a hill, and you can't stop or you'll fall flat on your face, but you also can't catch up or slow down. It's like a very calm, subdued panic, if that makes any sense.
I don't really have much of a life, and yet I still have no time to do anything. And I'm still running on only 5-7 hours of sleep a night, which is entirely my own fault, but if I stopped earlier each night, I'd only have even more to catch up on the next day....
I probably just need to go to bed. Things usually seem slightly more manageable in the morning, even if that's bleary-eyed at 5 a.m. and none of the circumstances have actually changed a jot.
Oh. And I'm on Chapter 15.
#rambling into the void#what's the scope?#i mean...i HAVE made some progress on writing and scoping#but it doesn't feel like much because every time i'm like 'okay NOW i can settle down and get to work'#i look at the clock and i only have twenty minutes before the next Scheduled Thing i need to do#and then all motivation to be productive goes out the window and i just do busy-work instead#i just keep telling myself that my parents will be leaving in a week and then life will resume its normal course#feels awful to wish them gone but i feel obligated to spend time with them while they're here#which is great and all but yesterday i literally spent twelve hours with people#so by the time i could FINALLY sit down and do something on my own my poor introverted brain was oozing out my ears#okay now i'm just complaining to nobody in the tags so i really DO need to go to bed
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its one thing getting jealous. its another thing to be fljealous of someone who wore boot cut jeans unironically..
#fuckkkkkk… throwback to the time him and i both liked my ex and she liked both of us#and me. ME. i said i was comfortable with a poly relationship because i just wanted to date her. i DIDNT EVEN LIKE THE OTHER GUY#and it turned out he was a horrible person and my ex chose the right person so. get fucked#anyways my ex was talking abt him and how he liked her and. i wish i could fucking. like#i wish i could hit my brain with a rolled up newspaper anything something like this happens.#anyways i left my ex on read accidentally and its been like 4 days but i responded to her in the discord server 😘#i have soooo many issues respondinbfg to people and i used to be fine!! but now i talk to so many people and its great but dear god#i am Not Built For This#i hatr existing. like cant u like read my mind and not talk to me or like. talk to me ONLY WHEN I CAN TALK PLS I HAVE ISSUES#lmaooooo i would never talk to people then. nvm#also im realizing i did just. lie. no one even reads these im just lying to myself here.. loser#i didnt leave her on read accidentally i did it because she sent me a video of her and i dont know ir i can watch it and be Ok#me: u should film ur reaction to newjeans omg and send it to me#me when i get what i asked for: i cant do it#L to me. anyways im going to read lotr now#jace.txt
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