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passerinesoncaffeine · 5 months

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I’m sorry-

#great now that can leave my brain #my art #others art #doodles #no this is not going on my fucking art blog lmao #linked universe #Lu update #Lu time #..oh fuck it’s not leaving my brain shit-#Live time reaction

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caimitos · 4 months

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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad

#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries #it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc #ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop #like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions #cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt #you know how it goes #vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own #students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country #until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem #this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL #our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny #vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa #i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med #expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc #anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history #i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc #theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly #being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her #lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao #years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth #cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess #but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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🧸♡ ⋆｡˚

#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath #having someone i like so much to talk to abt things #and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too #and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc #sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that #that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me #i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this #or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport #im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that #yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this #avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it #and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain #my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it #i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left #and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never #happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis #and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them #i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know #i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable #bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up #i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone #then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again

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hussyknee · 11 months

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I think sometimes you just have to make peace with the fact that your actual hobby is collecting books. And that that's okay.

#i used to devour eight books a week up until I was about 22 #i couldn't fathom leaving anything in the house unread #then it's like my brain maxed out #coincided with my cptsd manifesting in crippling depression‚ triggering my bipolar #and hitting that mid-20s adhd wall where all your coping mechanisms fall apart #it's just been getting worse ever since #i can no longer read anything but fanfic #i was able to make a great headway through alexis hall's work but then I fell into a hyperfixation again so #bye bye everything else #i couldn't read comics even when I was back to hyperfixating on comics #i can't absorb things and when I do I can't hold them in my head #i used to be able to pull out entire passages of my favourite books from memory #now I can barely remember what happened in them #sometimes i wonder whether it even mattered that i used to be such a voracious reader #sure it gave me writing skills but i was never able to do much with them because of the complete mental and physical breakdown #and people young enough to be my kids write better than I ever did #i still have the thirst and hunger for knowledge and stories #but no capacity for it at all #books #reading #just adhd things #actually adhd #burnout #book collection #knee of huss

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated

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give-soup-please · 9 months

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"is it depression, or am i between hyperfixations?"

-the title of give-soup-please's latest autobiography

#god help me if it's both lmao #this is not bad depression with ideation and the like #but it's manifesting as an extreme malaise #don't care about anything. don't want to do anything. just want to sit on couch.#i don't generally do well when i'm in between the hyperfixations #i need media to think about to keep me afloat #hmmmmm #so- neurodivergence comes in many forms #for me- i take great comfort in soothing myself with repetitive media #which means it's hard to branch out into new things #which leaves me in a position of 'i need to try something new to find something to latch on to'#and the other part of my brain starts screaming #i tend to get overly attached and ride the up and down waves to the extreme when it comes to experiencing new media for the first time #i generally spoiler myself for all new media so i can watch it and be mentally prepared to deal with it #but of course this causes my brain to stagnate and desire surprises while rejecting them outright #so i find myself in a complex position of-#'this old media isn't cutting it.'#'but i can't bear to try anything new right now'#'if i try something new i gotta vet it and look up all spoilers before heading in'#'because i'm feeling too fragile to handle catharsis that is too large right now'#(insert spongebob card here)#'my god it's been more than ten months since i've tried any new tv show or video game'#'i'm stagnating. can't move forward and i can't move back.'#'FUCK'#just wanna love the stuff i remember loving- you know?#yeah...#(melts into soup puddle on the floor)/neg

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endbeginning · 4 months

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and if i said.... pet.er peve.nsie.....

#i have never read the books but ive just watched the first 2 narnia movies #it was def my first time seeing prince caspian idk ab the other narnia i probs watched it as a kid #but he..... he is calling me #mr doomed blonde twink who makes poor choices but is doing his best....... welcome back all my muses #i was gonna say welcome back kurt but... tate... levi.... probably more #ive never been. Good at writing fantasy im not great w anything that requires lore #hes just. oh hes calling to me #and the. specifically the pains of living a life in narnia and being king and then having to go back to the real world and be Just A Kid #idk if hes in the third movie im ab to watch it now but the bitter sweet end of 2 where he says hes leaving narnia and he wont be coming ba #and aslan says its bc he has nothing more to learn from it like..... kinda heartbreaking and would destroy u as a person #a world where ur king and u do everything u can to make the right choices but u dont do things really right and u get people killed #and yeah narnia prevails but it doesnt prevail bc of u. its in part bc of u but ur decision cost lives it risked a lot #and then its like. well ur leaving now and thats it bc it taught u what u needed to learn #and like maybe it did but he had no chance at redemption at fixing things there like his redemption was to leave it to someone more capable #and then he has to just like. go be a person. and live a normal life #like thats wild #im gonna go watch the third movie if u have read the books sound off on if u think i should based entirely on my little rant ab peter #the issue here tho. is if i made him. u see. two muses named peter on this blog... both with a last name starting w p.... its almost like.#its almost like one would have to be a solo blog #'but quin ur literally never here anyway' but what if for a hyperfixation muse i was here #this post started w the intent of 'narnia peter solo blog' but now... i am thinking perhaps spider peter would be a better solo bc of his.#bc of the fixation i have #however he intimidates me a Lot as a solo blog bc hes such a. everyone knows him u know hes a Big muse and i fear the pressure of that #then again narnia i think is big too? and theres the talks of the new movies so thats also potentially big muse #its crazy bc i have sososo much muse for every muse i have but my brain is saying abandon this blog and make both peters solos #and i Cant do that #but at the same time................................#my issue has always been too many blogs and being stretched too thin but also. w all due respect. who cares #like i am here to have fun and most of the time my blogs dont last bc no one writes w me not bc i dont want those muses #and yeah theres no guarantee making a new blog would change that but idk. kinda vibe w the idea of starting new

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gods-favorite-autistic · 5 months

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Ah manic energy making me seem productive for a few days before a shitty mental health crash, I’d hoped you were dead

#I can’t even be happy about the productivity because it’s gonna end up shitty anyways #I’m just gonna hope it doesn’t leave me too tired for my spring show next week #see like it sucks because there’s no bright side or silly little jokes to be made about whatever the fuck does this to my brain #like with my autism I can make silly little jokes and jabs at it to lighten the load #with this i literally don’t even know what I’m dealing with beyond a suspicion of bipolar (maybe) there’s nothing fun to find here #always great to be in dance and energetic and happy and shit and then realize why you’re like this right now and be like shit #this ain’t gonna last for long will it #anyways haha silly little funny jokes right guys #sorry this is very venty #I’m just so fucking done with this shitty ass brain making my life shitty #vent post #vent

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running-in-the-dark · 7 months

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the thing is. I've said many times that it'd probably be better if I didn't post on here so much, especially when I'm not doing so great. it does not feel good. but. when I don't, it just all stays inside my head and it feels so much worse for far longer, so I really just don't know how I would cope without this.

#I mean I used to write in my diary instead. but it's not the same. it's like talking to myself which is like thinking which is the whole #damn problem in the first place #I can't bother my friends every time I feel like shit because it happens so much #and they don't get it #except my best friend but I already message them too much and they have their own shit going on #it's either this or lie in bed imagining [current blorbo] and talking it all out with them and basically just. daydreaming therapy.#but that tends to not be great because then I get stuck and don't want to do anything else because I'd rather be there forever.#which. idk but it doesn't feel that healthy to me.#I juuust want to be normal it's all I want it's all I've ever wanted #and then people say being weird is good and they love me for who I am and it's so so sweet and lovely but. I don't mean that. I mean I feel #like I'm insane and there's something wrong with my brain and it's not the fun quirky bits that people love about me. it's the never ending #constant relentless bad thoughts that I can't make go away OR even the good ones really. like I'm. so fucking obsessed right now and all I #want is to think about Dan and Jenkins but if I'm not careful it takes over everything and I. can not stop.#so. yeah I'm. not gonna leave because I can't and I don't really want to and I'm sorry because that means I'll have to keep posting #dumb shit like this every time my brain gets stupid #😭

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caressthosecheekbones · 7 months

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"watched" heavenly creatures while tumbling (oh no.bthere was a word. someone's mum invented a word! what was it again? I forgor), spilled coke on my fav jumper (😭), had the worst salad I ever paid money for, also the cutest delivery guy since that one pizza guy back in 2014(?). I mean. I wish I had had him. lol. tall, smiley, dark haired, curly, smiley, wet, smiley, curly, wet, hot, cute, smiley, wet jesus christ on a jalapeño

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thosetwofirefighters · 1 year

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WIP Wednesday

tagged by @mooshkat, thank you so much friend!! <3 I've had the first draft of this (which is for @the-likesofus) open for at least a week now, and I just can't bring myself to edit it (mostly because my life has been a ~shit show~ recently) anywaaaaay here's some of what will be a very late 6.14 coda :))

“I’ve got a list, if you’re interested,” she continues. “I know being set up by your old tia might not be the most attractive idea, but you’ve just gotta find the right woman.” She grabs his hand, the one not wrapped tightly around his coffee mug. He lets her keep it, takes comfort in the familiar pressure of her hand in his, and tries not to worry that this might be the last time he’ll be able to. For a moment, he feels guilty about worrying—this is Tia Pepa, his favorite aunt, the one person who has always been on his side—but then he remembers what his parents—his father—had said when he’d tried having this conversation with them at nineteen. He knows Pepa and trusts her so much, but he’d trusted his parents too.

no pressure tagging (and sorry if you've already been tagged lol) @the-likesofus @lilbuddie @shortsighted-owl @jacksadventuresinwriting @mysteriouslyyounggalaxy @wheelsupin-five <3

#idk i feel like pepa is a lil ooc (maybe not in this snippet) but idk what to do about it #but also i havent read this in a week so maybe i should just like. do that first?#it's literally less than 1000 words idk why its so hard #actually i do its because any thinking beyond consuming media and avoiding real life is Too Much Thinking rn #literally went to work yesterday and went home a half hour later because I cried the whole time lolllll #but today is better !!! and also today my boss commended my attitude yesterday so like. i feel so much better about the whole ordeal #the capitalism rlly got to me i was so guilty for leaving work #but my boss was like 'dont worry it was a situation you couldnt control but you can control your attitude and you were great'#she was like 'you tried sticking it out and thats more than enough' and i was like ok let me go cry some more now out of relief #i just. would really like emotions that don't overwhelm my brain because like. i cry at literally every heightened emotion ahaha #anywaaaaaay sorry to anyone reading these tags i'm just a bit unhinged atm #tag game #wip wednesday #mine

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passerinesoncaffeine · 9 months

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What is this problem and how do I fucking fix it.

#Mmmmm how do I enjoy myself like a normal human being instead of feeling crushing guilt if I’m taking a break for my own sake #I have a love hate relationship with my brain and mental illness #OCD I could do without you leave me alone #I’d like to keep all the manias to a minimum tyvm #Honestly I wish I didn’t have to medicate my ADHD but it’s hit or miss if I can function averagely if I don’t #I don’t fucking know where the dissociation periods came from as a kid #(Actually I do. Fuck you anxiety.)#but now I get freaked out if lose track of time or feel too emotional or like the world isn’t real #Mmmmmmm I just wish I could enjoy things and find happiness in them like I used to though #Yk it’d be great if I could take care of myself too instead of promptly forgetting to do basic human needs #My cat KitKatniss is here though and she’s v excited to see me #Anyways sorry #rant #Delete later #probably #I did rewatch a lot of She-ra was nice

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domesticmail · 10 months

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how do you self-soothe

#my google search be like #i locked myself in the bathroom because there's nowhere else private in this apt and i don't think rudy has anywhere to be until 10:30 #and like if he's going to be super upset and take it out on me then i'm just going to do my best to avoid him #because atp i don't want to be hurt #i made a mistake this morning and overreacted to a joke #it's been three hours and he's still so mad he won't say anything to me unless i initiate #and even then it's just him yelling at me #asked if he was leaving earlier #and he RAGED at me for being 'controlling'#like dude you have a consistent pattern of leaving for who knows how fucking long when you're upset #i am not trying to stop you from leaving. i'm trying to understand if you're leaving FOREVER #but hey got it. i will not ask if you're leaving again. my fucking bad.#i asked why he thought it was ok to treat me this way and he said #'i never said it was okay. i can treat you however i want. you decide whether or not to tolerate it'#so now i'm in the bathroom. because i have no privacy otherwise #and honestly if he wants me away that bad? fine! great!#why the fuck would i waste my time wanting to be around you when you yourself admit you clearly don't want to be around me #i struggle with stuff like this because i feel betrayed when we don't work out an issue instantly. it feels like he is going out of his way #to make this painful for me #but i know he's not. that's my angry brain talking.#he has his own feelings and needs to be given space for them when he asks (like i'm doing now! yay me!)#it doesn't mean the world is going to blow up or my life is over #it means i probably need to leave him alone all day today

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novelmonger · 1 year

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I think I forgot to post a scoping update this week. I forgot multiple things I was supposed to do on Friday, so I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise. What happened on Friday? Did Friday happen at all?

The entire month of August doesn't quite feel real. The whole summer feels like it's neverending, but also passing by in the blink of an eye. I'm sure that's partly because of my grandpa's passing, partly because of remodeling the bathrooms, which has been a bigger upheaval that I realized it was going to be even though I didn't really need to do much myself.

I feel like I'm waiting for life to go back to normal. Like I'm waiting for just a single day where I can stay home all day and have no distractions or claims on my attention, where I can just hole up in my room and actually buckle down and work on writing and scoping homework. Because it seems like, even when I have a few hours in between workmen coming to the house, or going to my grandma's for a meal, or a thousand other responsibilities and errands that aren't supposed to take much time, I blink and those hours are gone and I haven't done anything more productive than catch up on my Tumblr dashboard.

Tomorrow I'll be eight hours behind on what's supposed to be my scoping schedule. And I'm probably not going to have time to do much, if any, homework until Thursday this week. I'm getting horrible flashbacks to college, even though my current deadlines are completely self-imposed. It's that feeling of finding yourself balancing on a ball that's rolling down a hill, and you can't stop or you'll fall flat on your face, but you also can't catch up or slow down. It's like a very calm, subdued panic, if that makes any sense.

I don't really have much of a life, and yet I still have no time to do anything. And I'm still running on only 5-7 hours of sleep a night, which is entirely my own fault, but if I stopped earlier each night, I'd only have even more to catch up on the next day....

I probably just need to go to bed. Things usually seem slightly more manageable in the morning, even if that's bleary-eyed at 5 a.m. and none of the circumstances have actually changed a jot.

Oh. And I'm on Chapter 15.

#rambling into the void #what's the scope?#i mean...i HAVE made some progress on writing and scoping #but it doesn't feel like much because every time i'm like 'okay NOW i can settle down and get to work'#i look at the clock and i only have twenty minutes before the next Scheduled Thing i need to do #and then all motivation to be productive goes out the window and i just do busy-work instead #i just keep telling myself that my parents will be leaving in a week and then life will resume its normal course #feels awful to wish them gone but i feel obligated to spend time with them while they're here #which is great and all but yesterday i literally spent twelve hours with people #so by the time i could FINALLY sit down and do something on my own my poor introverted brain was oozing out my ears #okay now i'm just complaining to nobody in the tags so i really DO need to go to bed

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biolums · 2 years

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its one thing getting jealous. its another thing to be fljealous of someone who wore boot cut jeans unironically..

#fuckkkkkk… throwback to the time him and i both liked my ex and she liked both of us #and me. ME. i said i was comfortable with a poly relationship because i just wanted to date her. i DIDNT EVEN LIKE THE OTHER GUY #and it turned out he was a horrible person and my ex chose the right person so. get fucked #anyways my ex was talking abt him and how he liked her and. i wish i could fucking. like #i wish i could hit my brain with a rolled up newspaper anything something like this happens.#anyways i left my ex on read accidentally and its been like 4 days but i responded to her in the discord server 😘#i have soooo many issues respondinbfg to people and i used to be fine!! but now i talk to so many people and its great but dear god #i am Not Built For This #i hatr existing. like cant u like read my mind and not talk to me or like. talk to me ONLY WHEN I CAN TALK PLS I HAVE ISSUES #lmaooooo i would never talk to people then. nvm #also im realizing i did just. lie. no one even reads these im just lying to myself here.. loser #i didnt leave her on read accidentally i did it because she sent me a video of her and i dont know ir i can watch it and be Ok #me: u should film ur reaction to newjeans omg and send it to me #me when i get what i asked for: i cant do it #L to me. anyways im going to read lotr now #jace.txt

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place.#could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it

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