#gray: public vs private

[averagewriter-inthedark]

Strut Like You Mean It ✨| Pete Mitchell Imagine

Takes place after the events of TGM

TGM masterlist

Characters & Pairings: Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell x 80s/90s supermodel!reader (romantic), Dagger Squad x reader (platonic)

Content Warnings: profanity, fluff | female!reader (she/her) | wc: 4k

Premise: in the entire time the dagger squad have known Pete Mitchell, they never knew just who the famous pilot was married to. Sure they knew he was off the market but Pete was very private of his relationship and the lady who stole his heart when he was just a newly promoted Lieutenant. So when he finally invites them to his home and meet his wife, they are in disbelief that she’s not just one of the most iconic supermodels of all time, but she’s got her own history with the Navy that’s been kept hidden from the public eye her entire career.

Requested 📨 yes/no

Note: so to the anon who requested this I hope you don’t mind that I made the reader more of a 80s/90s high fashion model. I still mention VS a lot and say that the reader was one of the OG angels, just now that VS doesn’t do their fashion shows anymore the end scene I came up with worked better how I did it. I still made Y/n renowned VS model, but put more emphasis on her being a supermodel so I hope you don’t mind I did that. This is my first request so I’m sorry if it’s not up to par 🥹 -Bee 🐝

“So…let me get this straight….” Jake rubs his hands together in front of the couple seated on the couch. Around the pilot were his fellow daggers/friends, all of whom were showing expressions of straight bewilderment.

“You,” he pointed to the beautiful woman seated beside his Captain. It blew his mind she still looked nearly the same as she did in the 90s despite approaching the age of 60. Sure there were some age lines and gray hairs but they didn’t take away from her beauty. In fact it only enhanced her stunning features even more. Her striking eyes that were her staple caught everyone’s attention the second they met her. They were so stunned by the revelation Pete was married to one of the most renowned supermodels they completely disregarded the height difference between the two.

She was one of THE supermodels really. Discovered at age 26 while working as a naval air traffic controller, Y/n L/n never thought her life would take a 180 when she traveled to New York City for a weekend getaway with some colleagues she was stationed with at NAS Oceana. An agent of Ford Models spotted her at a restaurant and was like, “You are stunning. My God, have you ever modeled before? You’d be perfect for this campaign I’m working on.”

And so it was history. Going from an active duty Naval officer and transferring to the reserves so she could balance her careers. Having met her husband, aviator Lieutenant Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell in 1986 at age 24, Y/n worried the relationship would become complicated, but Pete was the most supportive man she’d ever met and encouraged her to continue modeling. “I’ll miss hearing you in my ear when I’m flying, babe,” he joked, kissing her cheek when she made the decision.

“Don’t become too rebellious now, Pete Mitchell. Especially since I won’t be in your ear to talk you out of it.”

As a reserve member, Y/n only had to report to her duty station one weekend a month and two full weeks a year to the new job she was assigned. Being an air traffic controller was impossible now that she wasn't on full active duty, but she still wanted to be involved with planes so she was placed in maintenance. That was a challenge in itself with the type of people she worked with, men undermining her intelligence because of her looks. Wait till they found out she made ten times the money they made with her second job…

Eventually Y/n decided to separate from the Navy after 10 years. It became too much to balance the two careers when her modeling took off in the late 80s. People on base and in public started to recognize her, causing more challenges within her maintenance job. So, she made the best decision for herself and left the Navy. Though she loved her time and could say she was an officer, modeling brought her more opportunities and kept her busy. Pete supported her all the way, and whenever Y/n wasn’t overseas or New York for campaigns/shows she was with him wherever he was stationed.

An OG Victoria Secret Angel, Y/n one of the first to wear the iconic fantasy bras—her’s was worth $3.4 million. A muse of Gianni Versace alongside Naomi Campbell, she either opened or closed the Versace show during Milan fashion week. On the runway photographers loved her walk which was sassiness with a bit of flirt. Anytime she walked Yasmeen was behind her or vice versa which always had spectators in awe of the two. One of the best runway shows was when the lineup was literally the best walks of all time: Y/n, Yasmeen, Shalom, Naomi, Kate, Cindy, Claudia. One just had to be there to really feel how iconic it was.

The campaigns she did for Vogue, VS and Playboy were some of the most famous of the late 80s and dominated the 90s. Then in the early 2000s she basically was the face of VS until hanging up her angel wings in 2007. By then she was in her early 40s and had been in the industry for over two decades. Now in the year 2022 Y/n mostly did brand campaigns and was an ambassador for many. They ranged from clothing, to makeup, fragrances, you name it. Every now and then she walked a show for her favorite designers, who she was lucky to call friends, but she hadn’t done a full fashion week with several appearances in years. But..there were rumors circulating that she and many of the 90s supermodels were going to be reuniting at NYFW that coming February.

The poster of her 90s Victoria Secret campaign Jake had on his wall came to mind causing the pilot to blush a bit. She appeared amused by the whole scenario whereas the man was more embarrassed and shy. “You were in the Navy—a Lieutenant Junior Grade to be exact?,” she nods to confirm. “And that’s how you two met?”

“Yes,” she hums, nudging her husband with a smile. The memory of their first meeting flashed in her mind. Where a young, dashing Maverick waltzed up to her with Goose by his side and sang his typical rendition of ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling.’ “Feels like it was only yesterday.” Pete had love in his eyes when he looked at her, the pilots not missing how their Captain was a man smitten.

He sure as hell hit the jackpot. They were one fine ass couple when side by side.

Phoenix still couldn’t wrap her head around it. She loved fashion growing up and Y/n was one of her favorite models. Every year she tuned into the televised VS fashion show just to see Y/n, Gisele, Ariana, Tyra, Heidi, and Naomi walk the runway in their stunning outfits with wings. Her favorite was the year it was all holiday themed, the same year Gisele wore the Fantasy bra. When the squad arrived at the house, the pilot was in disbelief at the sight of one of the many pairs of wings Y/n wore framed above the mounted tv. How could she have missed that her former instructor was married to her? “How long have y’all been together?” The couple thought for a moment before Mav answered, “about thirty-five years.”

“Married for twenty-five,” Y/n adds before winking, bringing her left hand up to playfully brush away stray hair. Her diamond ring was on full display, “I had to make sure he was a keeper first before letting him put a ring on it.” The comment had Mav blushing, while a smirking Phoenix made a sound of, “well damn.”

“Pops got game,” Coyote said under his breath in awe. He really wanted to be like Mav when he grew up.

“I just wanna say that yes, I knew about them the entire time,” Rooster waves his hands, “But I was sworn to secrecy.” Y/n rolls her eyes, though she’s smiling. Rooster had been in her life since he was a toddler. The guy was basically like a son to her and Pete. It amazed her that even when Bradley and Pete were estranged he still kept quiet about their relationship.

But then again Y/n threatened to kick his ass if he tried shutting her out.

“How come you wouldn’t tell us, Cap?” Mickey questions curiously, “I mean we’ve been a team for so long.” The others nodded, wanting to know the same.

Mav shrugs, “I didn’t really know how to go about it honestly. Quite frankly,” he glances at his wife with a knowing look, “we find enjoyment in people finding out on their own.”

Y/n giggles lightly, “In the beginning no one would believe Pete—especially in the 90s when the term ‘supermodel’ was becoming a big thing and everyone pretty much knew who was a supermodel. I was very private about my personal life—I still am to be honest because let’s face it, the media are vultures and will say anything to cause problems. I didn’t want Pete to have to deal with that nor did I want problems with his job to arise, so we simply kept our relationship quiet,” she pauses to let out a laugh, “It wasn’t until he came out to New York fashion week in ‘95 that we were spotted by paparazzi.”

“How did that happen?” Bob asks from his chair and Y/n turns to her husband, “Honey do you wanna say?”

“Um—uh,” His face goes tomato red, “I-well….I don’t think it really—.” Rooster took the liberty of finishing the job.

“They got caught making out at a nightclub and were seen leaving together,” Javy lets out an obnoxious laugh due to Mav’s reaction, while the others smirk and try to hold back their own reaction. “From what I was told, Mav looked to be on a mission—not like the ones we do—.”

“Okay, Bradley, thank you,” Mav stands up to leave, but Y/n takes his forearm and makes him sit.

“Oh honey, don’t be embarrassed,” she leans her head on his shoulder. “This is fun! I’ve been wanting to meet your friends for so long and it already feels like we’re gonna be a family!” She looks at the pilots with a grin, “We never had kids—with our jobs it just never seemed possible so forgive me if I treat you all like ones.” Murmurs sound of, “oh it’s no problem.” “I would be honored to be your kid.” “Y’all would be the coolest parents ever. No cap.”

Y/n clapped her hands, “This is exciting! Now that that’s settled, please please,” she laced her fingers together in a plea, “give me all the juicy details of what it was like having him as an instructor,” she pouts, “He won’t tell me no matter how much I beg.”

“Don’t you guys gang up on me now!” Pete points a finger when the pilots begin spitting out stuff all together. Y/n is in apparent glee at the sight, looking between the group and her husband with dazzling eyes.

For hours they talked, ranging from asking about Y/n’s decades-long career to her and Mav’s love story and all in between. “Guys, I was an air traffic controller once upon a time,” she pointed out when they were shook about her knowledge of aviation. “This face might be pretty and has gotten me far in life, but don’t think for a second my brains are nonexistent. In fact,” she gives a cheek look to Mav, “I probably know a thing or two more than hot shot over here.”

That started a whole other conversation, starting with Bob’s question of, “Do you miss the Navy at all?”

“Oh all the time,” she admitted, surprising them. “Don't’ get me wrong, I love what I do now and super grateful for all it’s given me. But the Navy is where my life started. It’s where I met Pete so I’ll always be grateful it brought us together. I loved aviation as a kid and being an ATC was challenging but I enjoyed doing it,” she then gives a tilt of the head. “Also had it not been for the Navy sending me to Virginia all those years ago, I would’ve never gone to New York and got discovered in the first place. So really the Navy is what made this all possible.”

“Wow,” Jake hummed, still in disbelief. Boy was this going to be something he remembered till he died. That his childhood celebrity crush was once an officer like him. Crazy how things could work out.

A text on her phone had the couple have to cut the conversation short. “As much as I would love to continue this night,” she stood up, the others following. Now they could really see the difference in their height. Pete stood at 5’7—maybe close to 5’8, but Y/n was pushing 5’10 almost 5’11. She was toe to toe with Jake and just about an inch shorter than Rooster and Bob. Payback was the only one who towered over her since he was 6’3.

“I have an early flight in the morning and need to pack,” she let out an embarrassed laugh at the fact she hadn’t packed yet. Pete playfully shook his head, Y/n was always packing last minute whenever she had a trip. She went to hug Bradley first, the pilot asking, “Where are you heading?”

“Miami,” she answered. “VS invited me to do a swimsuit campaign. I’m a little nervous,” she waves her hands, “It’s been years since I worked for them so I’m hoping it all goes well. I’m not young anymore you know,” she jokes lightly. It was true though, Y/n was just shy of turning 60 but she still looked amazing. With some touch ups to her hair and a little face powder she could easily pass for 30s/40s.

“I’m sure it will all be fine,” he assures her. “If anything you doing this is gonna have sales come in. They’d be lucky to have you on board.”

“Aw thanks honey,” she messes up his hair like a mom would, causing him to playfully slap her hands away.

“Stop,” he backs away, ignoring the looks of amusement from his fellow pilots.

“Anyways, it was lovely to meet you all and please don’t be strangers,” Y/n hugs them one by one, the team thanking her for letting them come to her home. “Now that we’ve finally met I hope we can have bonfires, dinners, the shabang. Hell, I would even love for y’all to come out to a show one time if you’re available.”

After they leave and she finished packing, Mav and Y/n had dinner before settling on the couch and turn on a random movie to watch. With his arm around his wife, Mav looks at her with knowing eyes, “You’re inviting them to fashion week, aren’t ya?”

She answers with a bashful smile, “Mayyyybeeee. Wouldn’t it be so fun?” Adjusting her position, her knees go on either side of hips so she’s basically straddling him. “Don’t tell them though. I want it to be a surprise.”

He makes a motion of his hand to his mouth, “my lips are sealed.” When his hand moves away Y/n kisses him lightly, Mav smiling into the kiss.

“You’re gonna be retired soon,” she runs a finger through his hair, “I know you wanna make as many memories with them before that happens and after. So, what better way than to have them sit with you at my show. That way you guys can witness something show-stopping together…” The trail off has Mav raise his eyebrows.

“What are you saying, Mrs. Mitchell?”

She leans closer to him, “That’s a secret I’ll never tell—just kidding I’ll tell you after it’s been confirmed. Until then,” she makes the same motion he did. “My lips are sealed.”

This was going to be fun.

Six months later—February 2023, New York Fashion Week.

“You think they’ll let me keep this suit?” Coyote whispered to Payback, who in return just nudged him with a shake of the head. The pilot was adjusting the cuffs of his Oscar de la Renta suit, which all of the guys were warming different versions of while Nat was in a gorgeous dress and trench coat. They looked like they belonged in a magazine with many around whispering with gazes of admiration.

It was the second week of February. New York Fashion week was in full effect with celebrities, photographers, models, and designers scouting every inch of the grounds. The naval officers couldn’t believe they were actually there and Y/n managed to get them spots at one of the shows last minute. She literally called them to the house and was like, “would y’all like to come to New York and see a show?” How the fuck could they say no to that? How the hell did she manage to pull that first of all?

But then again, when you’re a renowned supermodel like her anything is possible.

They were seated in the front row closest to the end of the runway at the Oscar de la Renta show. Anna Wintour was literally just a few seats down from them, sitting beside Chris Evans and Lenny Kravits. On the opposite end was Zendaya, Alexa Demie, and Sam Claflin. They weren’t the only stars in attendance. Pharrell was there as was Snoop Dogg. Spotted were the Kardashian/Jenners as well as the Jonas Brothers. Models like Bella and Gigi Hadid, Kaia Gerber, Yasmin Wijnaldum, and Adut Akech were seated in the front row. Anne Hathaway was with her husband, seated beside them was Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.

Pete looked handsome in his own suit that the stylists provided. The rest of them were trying not to shit their pants with how nervous they were. The clothes they were wearing were double—maybe even triple the price of their officer paycheck. It would be a fortune to replace them if they were to spill anything on the material.

“My advice,” Reuben starts, keeping his attention on the entrance of the runway. The show was minutes away from starting. “Don’t mess it up just in case they do want it back.” Coyote huffs, but nods knowing he was right.

Seated in the middle of the row, Pete’s palms were sweating as he rubbed them together. The action has Phoenix ask, “You okay, Mav?”

“Just nervous,” he replied, adjusting the collar of his suit. “I always am when I see her walk. This one though,” he pauses with a look, “you haven’t seen this lineup since the 90s. I’m more nervous about what the reaction will be after.” He was referring to how the media loved to talk about the looks of aging models. They were still breathtakingly stunning even in their older age, but that didn’t stop the media from having to point out the fact they had gray hairs, age lines, wrinkles or the fact some of them weren’t as slim as they were because they had kids or just naturally curved out.

My God, everyone ages. Everyone’s bodies change. It’s a sign of life.

Thankfully Y/n didn’t give a fuck what the media said. She embraced her aging features and often told designers not to cake her with makeup on photo shoots and shows. Why hide it when it’s part of who she was?

But Pete, the sweetheart that he was, always worried about her. He knew what it was like to have people talk and point out flaws. The last thing he’d want is for his wife to be subjected to that.

Rooster pats him on the shoulder. “Well you don’t gotta wait any longer,” he says just as the lights dim and the logo for Oscar de la Renta at the entrance of the runway glows. Cameras are already flashing, spectators pulling out their phones to capture the memory forever.

Blasting through the speakers, David Bowie’s ‘Fashion,’ sounded in everyone’s ears. A fitting theme for the fact it was released in the decade most of the lineup was discovered. Oscar de la Renta was paying tribute to the supermodels of the 80s/90s, calling the show ‘The Muses’. They were going to wear designs from the 90s that given a more modern look.

No wonder so many stars were there.

Out first: the one and only Cindy Crawford. Cameras flashed all around, the stunning beauty coming to the end of the runway to do a typical 90s model turn. Nowadays models just turn around with any type of stop. But in the 90s? That stop and turn was every model's moment to shine. Following Cindy were icons Christy Turlington and Linda Evangelista. Claudia Schiffer and Shalom Harlow, Shalom with her iconic sway in each step. Kate Moss still looked as delicate as ever followed by Heidi Klum. Tyra Banks came out with her fierce personality, with Carla Bruni and Beverly Peele right after.

Nat had to slap Jake when she saw he was drooling slightly. Bob looked flustered, unsure how to react at the beautiful women passing by. Admiration and awe was behind Nat’s gaze, in love with not just the models but also the stunning clothing they wore. Oscar made sure his muses were goddesses in his designs.

The final three were none other than Naomi Campbell, Yasmeen Ghauri, and Y/n L/n.

Naomi’s walk was perfect as usual, gliding across the runway like she owned it. The shock of Yasmeen making an appearance had gasps rang out in the crowd. The woman had retired after 1997 so seeing her walk was surreal. She still had that aura to her that drew people in, walking seamlessly to the end of the runway to the blinding flash of cameras. Lastly, Y/n had every eye on her as she strutted down the runway. Giving side eyes with her staple tiny smirk, Y/n had to hold back a laugh when she saw her husband holding up his phone to take a video of her. Pete looked like a kid in a candy store.

She kept her composure, passing by Yasmeen who was walking back up as she approached the end of the runway. Stopping, leaned her weight from one side to the other to show off the design before turning, walking just three steps before stopping again to turn so she faced the cameras once more. Smirking, she winked and did one last final turn before strutting her way back up. As the closer she was the last to exit, but seconds later she appeared from the entrance again. Though this time, the other supermodels were behind her as she led them in the final walk.

People clapped and whistled, the dagger squad was the loudest causing Y/n to giggle when she passed by. Each model gave a final pose at the end and Y/n led them back up where they were met with the cheers of the backstage crew. “We fucking did it!” She shouted, embracing Naomi and Yasmeen in a hug before doing the same with the others. When Oscar de la Renta went to wave to the crowd, he brought the three out with him and they each blew a kiss to the spectators.

After the show Y/n dressed in a different outfit, still by Oscar de la Renta, and met up with the squad for dinner. She was met with hugs, kisses from Pete and a cheek one from Rooster, and flowers from everyone.

“That was amazing!” Mickey shouted, being a gentleman and pulling out her chair for her. “I know the year just started but that was definitely the highlight so far.”

“Aw thank you, Mickey,” she said with a smile, sitting down between Pete and Phoenix. “Are you guys ready for the party?” Like every fashion week, there was going to be a party to celebrate the end of another successful year.

“Hell yeah,” Payback said for the group, causing her to laugh.

“Well let’s eat, drink, and then head over there to dance the night away.”

Mav raised a toast, the pilots all congratulated the model on an amazing show, and Y/n took plenty of pictures for her memory book she started to put together. It almost gave a full circle moment for the woman, remembering her days as an ATC with her pilots and husband. Young, wild, and free. Now here she was decades later having a similar moment take place. With the little family she found along the way.

Funny how life can bring you just about anything when you least expect it.

……………..

TGM Tag List: @avaleineandafryingpan, @caitsymichelle13, @poppyalice2001, @cutelittlepotatofry, @luckyladycreator2, @americaarse, @elenavampire21, @back-tooo-black

[chefkids]

the downside of ayo being a new it girl, is magazines/entertainment sites writing the most unnecessary articles about her life! my god! i know her and jeremy’s relationship won’t change bc i know she saw the tweets during award season and it didn’t affect them in the following award shows, but damn! also they’re quite close and not just coworker close, so thank god for that, but i wish these magazines would leave them alone! my god! whoever recorded them in the first place….so wrong. so wrong for that.

Honestly I think everyone just needs to stop interacting with those articles about them. Even retweeting or commenting to tell them to stop is just giving them engagement which is all they care about because they make money off of the ads on their site. People taking pictures of them at like restaurants eating when they're clearly just there as themselves and posting them is too much. If you're going to take a sneaky pic cause you're excited you saw someone keep that between your friends. I have a lot of friends that have seen her around and have pics and I know she has even said no to pics at times because she doesn't want to draw attention. Obviously the game was a public thing and different situation and a gray area of public promo event vs private moment within it, but still like let her live.

[aprilblossomgirl]

Color (Palettes) in Never Let Me Go - Part 2

Continuing my post about color palettes in Never Let Me Go the series. Part 1 talked about the color palettes of the show in general. This part focuses on another thing that were also visible enough: Thanya’s outfit colors as well as Nueng’s and Palm’s aside from their black-white uniform. Again, all screenshots are not color-adjusted/edited.

1. Thanya’s red, yellow, and green outfits/dress/shirts over her usual dark muted colored outfits. It was noted that she used these bright colored outfits only when Nuengdiao was present -- Red, during the announcement that she will take over as the new CEO of Phiphop’s company. Besides Nueng, there were also many other people (public setting). Yellow, when she just came back from Phuket, and talked with Chanon and Palm, and then Nueng came and hugged her (semi-private setting). Green, when she entered Nueng’s room when he was watching a video of Thanya being attacked while giving a presscon (private setting). Red, when she showed a hard exterior as someone that needs to step up taking over the role as a business leader in place of her late husband. Yellow, when she showed a softer exterior in front of her son as well as her trusted employee and his son. Green, when she showed parts of her vulnerable side to Nueng as a mother who also needs to take care of a family business.

Not necessarily associated with traffic light, but, when I thought that red means stop, yellow means careful, and green means go, I think it somehow makes sense to use those colors to symbolize Thanya’s level of openness of her vulnerability to other people. She puts up wall to public and other people including Khit -- on another note, though, it seems that she didn’t mind the rather ‘close’ interaction between Khit and Nueng when she saw them hugged in her office. She trusts Chanon, and being nice to Palm, but to some extent both sides still maintain the formal boss-employee relationship. She spoils Nueng, that goes without questions, but there were some subtle shifts through episodes 1 to 3 on how she talked with Nueng. Although, I still have my doubt that she had fully trusted Nueng to share everything, in terms of her dual roles as both a mother to Nueng and a boss to Phiphop’s business.

2. Nueng’s plain shirts vs Palm’s Hawaiian/Aloha (printed floral) shirts. I think there should be other types of combination too, such as Nueng’s striped shirts vs Palm’s plain sleeveless shirts, but I will not list them in this post, yet. So, what was interesting about the combination between the plain vs the printed floral shirt is that the plain color of Nueng’s shirts were always in-line with the color combination of Palm’s printed shirts. That is, when they shared the screen together, Nueng’s shirt color was always a part of the color combination of the shirt Palm used. In short, their colors were almost always harmonious, matching to each other you may say, either in a shade mode (darker combination; there’s a mixture or presence of black) or a tint mode (lighter combination; there’s a mixture or presence of white). Somehow, I found the color pairing to be visually easy to my eyes. In a way, such color and pattern pairing may also suggest that both of them are visually balancing each other. It’s also interesting to note that, as the official trailer showed, in later episodes, we will see Nueng eventually wearing similarly styled printed shirts as well, especially during the beach scenes.

Episode 1 - first meeting: Palm’s shirt was in a gradient of light-dark color scheme with hints of black/dark gray, brown, dusty blue/green/gray, yellow, and a bit of white. Nueng’s shirt was in brown, rather similar or in a monochromatic term with that little hint of brown on Palm’s shirt. The color pairing between the two outfits was in complementary scheme.

Episode 2 - “pengyou” scene: Palm’s shirt was in a lighter color scheme including hints of red, darker or muted orange, lighter orange (more dominant), and a bit of green, with light cream as the fabric’s main color. Nueng’s shirt was in muted darker orange, similar to one of the colors on Palm’s shirt. The color pairing was in analogue scheme with some tints of orange monochromes.

Episode 3 - dance scene: Palm’s shirt was in a light-dark color scheme with the shades of green, a bit of black or very dark green, and yellow as the fabric’s main color. Nueng wore a white shirt, and a very dark green suits/outer which color was similar to one of the greens on Palm’s shirt (I double checked with the Behind-the-Scenes video to be sure, but maybe it was quite hard to decide if it’s actually a dark green or just a darker shade of any other color). The color pairing here was also in analogue scheme.

Episode 3 - shooting range: Palm’s shirt was in a darker color scheme dominated by a shade of turquoise, I think (?), as the fabric’s main color, with hints of lighter brown, yellow, darker green, white, and a bit of black. Unlike the previous three shirts, this one doesn’t include palm trees in its motif. Nueng wore a white shirt and a black vest, both colors also can be found on Palm’s shirt. This color pairing was in between almost complementary and triad (if only there’s a hint of purplish color on Palm’s shirt).

Notes: Analogue color scheme implies a similar or closer-in-relations color combination (colors are side-by-side on the color wheel), monochromatic scheme refers to a deeply harmonious and calming color combination (colors consists of one basic tone with shades and tints to it), and the complementary scheme suggests opposition or high contrast (colors are on opposite sides of the color wheel). I have yet to find any triadic color scheme, which represents a more vibrant and balanced color combination.

Reference.

[yournameoverandover]

Track 2s- TTPD & imgonnagetyouback

TTPD is unique in that it’s the only song we have from Taylor while she’s actively with Matty. as has been noted before, these other tracks are either longing for him and the escape he offers, or reeling from the end of it all. this is that entire schrodinger’s universe of May 2023: Matty the golden retriever, the two of them hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, remembering why they connected so well, etc. it’s the pap walk dinners and articles about them hanging out and having fun. we also see for the first time that there was more to this then simply “kissing when they have time” when we get to the bridge: he’s talking to her about marriage and she’s over the moon. (note he doesn’t actually buy her a ring, because he’s a fucking loser. he just uses a ring she’s already wearing to make a point.) still, the messaging here is positive despite the red flags: look what a great thing this is! so different from my last relationship with that OTHER tortured poet, who did cowrite with me but wouldn’t commit to me in any other way and wasn’t a lot of fun.

imgonnagetyouback tells a different story. taylor is not actually moving on, but is now struggling with these two relationships at the same time. maybe Matty is actually it for her or… maybe he’s the rebound shot heard round the world to make sure joe knows exactly what he lost. imo this song isn’t about being unsure which choice you want to make re: one person (reconciliation or vengeance), it’s questioning the motivations behind each of her moves.

lilac short skirt, the one that fits me like skin: am I wearing this to look good for my current boyfriend, or to get back at my ex? haven’t decided yet, but it’s successful at both!

small talk, big love, act like I don’t care what you did: she is sharing constant small graces with people (likely the media) and informing them that what joe did doesn’t matter. she has a big love now, alls well! but is this acting to make him miss her, or is it to make him try and get her back?

Bygones will be bygone eras fadin' into gray (fadin' into gray) / We broke all the pieces but still want to play the game (oh)/ Told my friends, "I hate you but I love you just the same": she’s letting everything go because she’s moved on, but wait! she’s still playing a game with someone who broke all the pieces- so is she letting go because they’re letting bygones be bygones, or is she letting go as part of this game they’re still playing? she hates this person but also loves them still. does she want them to be miserable, or successful and happy, without her in their life?

going with the theory of public perception vs private life, we have A-Side (TTPD) suggesting hopeful new relationship moving towards a serious commitment and B-Side suggesting that she experienced a lot more turmoil over Joever than we realized

[purpleplaid17]

Jess Watches // Tues 30 Jan // Day 130 Synopses & Favourite Scenes & Poll

The Expanse (rw with mum) 2x06 Paradigm Shift

Earth is planning an expedition to the point of Eros impact. Chrisjen conflicts with Sadavir about Jules-Pierre Mao. Col. Frederick Lucius Johnson improves his position in unexpected way. New battleground is opening.

" And please let them know that if they can't, I will rain hellfire down on them all. I will freeze their assets. Cancel their contracts. Cripple their business. And I have the power to do it, because I am the fucking hero who helped save Mother Earth from the cataclysm that Jules-Pierre Mao unleashed.

Tell his children that government is more powerful than any corporation. And the only reason they think it tilts the other way is because we poor, public servants are always looking for some fat, private-sectors payoff down the road.

But I'm not looking. And by the time they can pull the strings to force me out, it'll be too late. Their family will be ruined. Their mother, the children, their children, all of them, pariahs. Outlaws.

Hunted and on the run for the rest of their days until we find them, and nail each and every last one to the wall. Make sure you tell them that."

Reservation Dogs 3x05 House Made of Bongs

Dazed and confused.

Thanks to [this gif set] for laying out past vs present. I should rewatch it because I only remembered who Brownie and Mabel were. The guy who played young Brownie sounded exactly the same. Great attention to detail.

Star Trek: Prodigy 1x01 Lost & Found, Part 1

The young alien Dal finds a hidden starfleet spaceship during an escape attempt from a mine planet. But who is still after the ship?

Brett Gray and Ella Purnell voicing main characters. Sign me tf up! And only now learning of the Paramount+ fuckery. For a tax write-off. How is that legal?? Anyhoo, loved the first ep, the lead guy is purple!

[thoughtlessarse]

No matter which of the two big-business candidates for US president takes office, Kamala Harris or Donald Trump, the frontal assault on the social right to high-quality public education will escalate. Alongside the termination of thousands of jobs and the reorganization of US industries, including mass layoffs of auto, tech and logistics workers, the education system is being upended and thousands of school workers are losing their jobs. Schools are being put on rations in both “red” and “blue” states. The goals of education are themselves being degraded through this bipartisan policy. In numerous ways, young people are being discouraged from pursuing their interests and intellect, and instead being groomed to enter the workforce or military, and the sooner the better. Discipline and obedience are promoted, with growing numbers of police in the schools, endless shooting drills, cell phone bans, library and book bans. Military recruiters are being invited onto campuses and the ROTC (Reserve Officers’ Training Corps) is being promoted in middle and high schools. Brutality is becoming routine. For their part, Trump and the Republicans make no pretense of improving working class schools, instead pushing for a vast expansion of vouchers and other forms of taxpayer funding for private schools. Project 2025, written by Trump supporters and former aides, calls for an end to the US Department of Education and the transformation of Title I (federal assistance for public schools) and IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) into block grants in order to cut their budgets. The fascist Republicans are using their “anti-DEI” campaigns to demonize educators and students, censor educational materials, and demand the promotion of religion, the military and patriotism in schools. The Democrats—also fully serving Wall Street—seek the same ends, just by slightly different means. Under the Democratic administration of Biden/Harris, COVID-19 ESSER (Elementary and Secondary School Emergency Relief) funds have been terminated, and districts across the country are shutting schools, ending tutoring, and laying off teachers, nurses, counselors and support staff. The job outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas, Inc. puts 2024 cuts to education jobs at 25,396, up 222 percent from last year. This is just the beginning, with as many as 384,000 education jobs to be cut, according to industry consultant Chad Ferguson.

continue reading

[jimin-bangtan]

Chameleon Park Jimin 2

~ Written after seeing several people expressing resistance to Jimin evolving over time ~

The company itself was new and struggling, so they didn't have much in the way of space or food, so resources were spread thin and these young men were often left to their own devices to figure things out. On one hand, it gave them a degree of freedom other companies did not allow; On the other hand, there was likely a great deal of uncertainty day by day. Everyone understood that a lot would have to be done and contributed in order to even hope that this group could succeed.

The group soon debuted, but in spite of their hard work and discipline, it was slow going to gain recognition. They were treated poorly by the KPop industry and peers. They lacked the resources to do some of the things other groups had in order to gain fans and attention. They had to find creative ways to stand out with both their impressive stages as well as with memorable performers and performances. Hip hop Jimin was now transformed into a multiple hair-colored, prettier, more delicate Jimin. Jimin was now at least gaining practical experience with dancing, performing, singing, and style in real time. Each opportunity increased his understanding of what was needed to make a difference on stage, and his efforts were noticed. Not only was he breathtakingly beautiful but he was a stand out for his dance movements and his unusual voice that he was still working to find his comfortable range and abilities.

After a few years BTS began gaining popularity and recognition.  Jimin was often singled out (3 minutes) for his dance, voice and/or appearance.  All the members were improving and adjusting as they discovered what worked for them and the group. The more successful the group became, the further from the plain Busan boy Jimin got.  In the song Like Crazy, from his first solo album, FACE, Jimin sang, “All my reflections I… can’t even recognize.” In addition to other possible meanings, I immediately felt Jimin may have been referring to all the different styles and looks he had morphed into throughout the years.  He played (or was asked to play) the role of the sexy, energetic, confident pop star for the group.  Off stage, he and others have described him as shy with strangers, kind, quiet, and mature.  For a while I was very confused by the contrast of those two images.  While I do still think Jimin is confident, funny, and energetic, over time I came to better understand how those two Jimin’s are actually one in the same person.  Imagine this brown-eyed, brown-haired, shy, Kendo-trained boy looking in the mirror and seeing the somewhat effeminate blonde-, blue-, purple-, orange-, pink-haired guy with green, blue, gray eyes looking back. Imagine him watching the playback of performances and seeing himself do things on stage that - even though he may not have minded being seductive and flirtatious in private - garnered cheers and approval out in public in front of huge audiences.

Not to mention Jimin was learning social cues and behaviors in real time by trial and error.  He was testing his own boundaries and figuring out what he would and would not feel comfortable continuing to do in public, as were all the members.  However, due to this outgoing stage persona he took on, Jimin’s exploration was sometimes more public and more notable than the others. In addition, the reactions to him were becoming more and more polarized and extreme, no matter how big or small the action. (To show what I mean by the stage persona vs. the real life persona, I recall in the behind the scenes VCR of BTS filming the 3rd muster: House of Army, Jimin was assigned the role of the flirtatious dog, Cuty. He had to wink and flirt with others in the script. Jimin committed to it, as he did with everything he was assigned, but commented to the camera that he never winked at anyone and wasn’t sure how to do it or how it turned out.  [Aside: He did a very good job.] But he wasn’t a young, young boy at that time, yet winking and flirting were foreign to him.] It’s sweet and telling. [Aside #2: He got far better at it over time.])

Keep in mind that all of this was happening while Jimin was growing up himself as a regular human too.  He was finding out who he was and how he wanted to present himself and what he believed.  He wanted to succeed and found that he had the goods to help his team do just that.  I feel that there were times that in an effort to shore himself up to face all that he was doing, he had to put on a shell, a coat that not only protected his softer, gentler heart but also motivated him to present things outside of his comfort zone.  I feel sometimes that shell rubbed people who didn’t understand the wrong way, possibly even people close to him at times. Not only was Jimin operating a good distance from how he felt comfortable being normally, but he was also asked to do strenuous choreography while singing in a voice that still wasn’t as stable and reliable as he would have liked in live performances.  His outstanding performances were continually increasing the audience’s expectations of what he would present on stage or in videos.  I can understand when he implies that he was losing himself. He was losing that brown-eyed, brown-haired, grounded - but determined - guy from Busan.

See Chameleon Park Jimin 3.

[thirst2]

I have to say, the spat of popularity in those posts regarding playing videos in public without headphones just feels…very leukonormative, honestly.

On the one hand, I absolutely get the sensory Hell that might be for an autistic person and, in terms of division of a shared space, it makes sense as a default – we all have to share the audio of a public space so make noise opt-in rather than opt-out (which you can't really do, other than earplugs or, possibly, your own headphones).

And, yet, it truly feels like a bunch of people who simply aren't used to a culture where that's a commonality; it feels like hearing the white surburban moms complain about people blasting their radios from their cars that I constantly heard, growing up (granted, a person's car – even if the noise leaves the car – is more of a gray area than, say, a public waiting room, undeniably).

Definitely feel like the people who move into Harlem, now that it's gentrifying, and call in a noise complaint on the barbecue next door.

I dunno; obviously, there's a difference between complaining about a noise and actually calling the cops for it and not everyone one in the former category will be in the latter but public audio is fairly common in black American communities and, I expect, in more Eastern European cultures which have less strict boundaries regarding private space than the West tends to.

I tend to like my explicit boundaries but it all just feels very foreign to me in ways that feel…very uncomfortable (granted, I also tend to not be very bothered by excess noise so I'm already predisposed to one side but how much of that is due to upbringing vs. not is anyone's guess).

[knightingael]

(1) This is one of several one-off anecdotes OP has posted over the last day or so. The post I saw immediately prior to this one was about OP never having experienced abuse in public school, which is why I felt more inclined to respond to this one. This just happened to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, partly because it feels particularly manipulative to anecdotally discredit one context of common sexual abuse (in schools) to emphasize another (in homes).

(2) “Those of us” refers to anyone making conscious feminist-based choices about child-care. Many would argue that a requisite for those standards includes limiting the influence of men on you and your child’s life. I’m obviously not identifying myself here with the barefoot tradwives on Tumblr. I’ve already noted that most child-carers *can’t or won’t* create the ideal environment (reread my post), but the point is that those of us who can should be able to take advantage of it.

(3) You seem to think that I’m arguing in favor of unregulated homeschooling. Again, reread my reply. You’re not arguing against any point I’ve actually made. Like I told OP, we don’t have two options here. It’s not “Parents should be allowed to isolate their kids from the outside world and rape them at their leisure” vs “All parents should be forced to place their children in public schools unless they can afford private.” Let me introduce you to the color gray ffs.

(4) It’s pretty shitty for you to insist that I “don’t get” that abuse happens, when I have clearly referenced the abuse I experienced as a homeschooler. I do get it. I’m just not a trauma tweaker who can’t understand nuance when it appears in a problem.

I read the story of a girl who told her teachers that her brother was molesting her. So the girl's mother pulled her out of school. The girl lived with the classmate who was sexually harassing her. She could not escape him. She had no one else to tell.

[rkgray]

♥ PUBLIC VS. PRIVATE.

Not too sure if I ever did this on GRAY, but since this year was already a turbulent one for him, I felt like doing it. A big thanks to Cherry (@rkjimin) for letting me use their template!

♥。PUBLIC INFORMATION. this information is publicly known / is fairly easy to find out.      ⇢ GENERAL. some basics from his kt profile such as ⇢ stage name — (unofficial) gray ⇢ birth name — lee seonghwa ⇢ trainee title — kt's ahjussi kt's black knight ⇢ birthday — 24th of february,1990 ⇢ height — 174cm ⇢ weight — 65kg ⇢ birthplace — jamsil, south korea ⇢ trainee status — public kt trainee since december 2016 — re-signed the contract in december 2018      ⇢ SOCIALS. twitter — @grayster [inactive] instagram — @grayster      ⇢ OFFICIAL PUBLIC APPEARANCES BY YEAR. | 2015. | ⇢ starbright casting '15 ⇢ starbright callback from sphere      。 peformance with self-composed song: the pursuit of happiness | 2016. | ⇢ mnet global audition 3      。 round 1: performance with self-composed song: champion      ⇢ #3012 kt team! coach haseul      。 group performance 1: pillow      。 group performance 2: lollipop      。 coach and mvp performance: angel      。 group performance 3: once again      。 group performance 4: comeback again      。 was eliminated in the finale and didn't received a contract ⇢ kt royal contest      。 november 27, 2016 [round 2 rappers]      。 performance with self-composed song: halyang dream      。 was a runner-up + offered a contract by kt entertainment | 2017. | ⇢ gangnam car show performance      。 july 30, 2017      。 performed lc9′s “1 of 1″ and “tell me what to do” + shinhwa’s touch with ktboys      。 also helped to pass out water bottles because of the heat ⇢ samsung galaxy a7 commercials      。 started airing on december 1st      。 aired locally, on youtube, and — on the rare occasion — tvs worldwide 。 appeared in the “#beinspired” versions of the commercial ⇢ seoul plaza festival performance      。 december 24, 2017      。 a charity-type event made to encourage donations from the community for childfund korea      。 only a small audience attended      。 participated in performances of “wish tree” and “santa u are the one” with ktboys | 2018. | ⇢ ktrookies shinhwa flash mob      。 march 24, 2018 around 3:00 pm      。 took place at the seoul chocolate convention (chococon) at the coex convention center      。 performed a mashup of shinhwa songs to celebrate shinhwa’s anniversary      。 a video of the flash mob was uploaded to the ktrookies official youtube channel | 2019. | ⇢ samsung new year’s show 2019      。 january 12, 2019      。 the large and highly-anticipated show took place in jeju and was broadcasted      。 performed in the kt trainee’s special dance stage “kt is gold” | 2020. | ⇢ s-pop trainee mc "after mom is asleep, february 2020      。 every monday episodes of the show are released on the new samsung youtube channel      。 in this setting, idols will pretend to be awake later than usual and will have to go through various situations in which they may not make noise. In case they pass the 70dB mark, that’ll wake their asleep mother (gray) and they’ll receive a penalty. ⇢ speak up! project      。 was chosen as a trainee assistant for the "songwriting"-workshop on may 30th, 2020 ♥。PRIVATE INFORMATION. this information is not widely known to the public for now and will be hard to find without lots of digging.      ⇢ GENERAL. ⇢ family situation. ⇢ current residence — dongdaemun-gu, seoul ⇢ former university & degree — Bodyguard Trainee at Yong In University, Security and Protective Services Degree ⇢ former occupation — former Bodyguard & Security Guard (in Gangnam-gu) 3 years experience (material arts background) ⇢ enlisted after graduating highschool ⇢ auditioned for a lot of companies, sent in many demos, but failed everytime. ⇢ applied for both ktrookies rounds, but wasn't chosen both times ⇢ was offered the spot of a lead rapper in nsg 127, but ultimately declined for several reasons ⇢ former underground rapper, part of underground association re:∀CTIVE ⇢ has composed/written and recorded 100+ songs, a few of them under his contract with kt, but never got to release or publish them      ⇢ SOCIALS. ⇢ soundcloud (@CallMeGRAY🔒) contains a few of his songs

[protoprotoproto]

intro to tumblr

Vocabulary (translated from Twitter)

“tweets” -> “posts”

“retweets” -> “reblogs”

“timeline” -> “dashboard” or “dash”

total number of likes, retweets, replies -> “notes”

OP = original poster

Differences from Twitter

Ratios do not exist. If you reblog someone’s post, any additional notes (likes) you get on that reblog count toward the original post.

Following people is appreciated. You can change your settings so that people can’t see who you follow and which posts you like. Most people do this. Nobody can see how many people follow you.

Reblogging posts is appreciated. Liking posts does not give them as much traction as reblogging them does.

Tags

Tags show up along the bottom of the post, in grayed-out text. These effectively work the same as Twitter hashtags, except Tumblr’s tag system isn’t as good.

You can block certain tags in your filtering preferences.

There is a character limit to each individual tag and an overall limit on the number of tags.

Tags are used primarily to indicate the media/fandom posted and the character posted. Try to use the more specific tags (ex. If you’re posting fanart of PearlescentMoon in Hermitcraft, tag it as #pearlescentmoon #hermitcraft, NOT #minecraft).

It is common courtesy to tag potentially triggering content (ex. “#blood tw”, “#food cw”, “#gif warning”).

You can also tag posts to filter them out on your own blog. For example, many posters have a tag for their original text posts. These tags can look like “#mine”, “#name talks”, “#name txt”, and more.

*Current Tag Purges

Tumblr staff, in trying to get the site “clean” for Apple, has blocked or blacklisted many tags. Some of these make sense, some don’t.

Check out this post to see which tags are banned. If you post content with these tags, you may get your blog shadowbanned.

The current workaround is to add a period after the blocked tag. (Ex. “#girl” -> “#girl.”)

I believe this is gone now.

Asks & Submissions

If you have your askbox open, users can send in questions or comments. If you have anonymous asks on, users can send in anonymous asks. Don’t feel pressured to answer any specific ask—you can delete them if you feel like it.

If you are getting hate for any reason, it is a good idea to turn anon off.

If you have submissions on, users can submit posts to your blog. You then review these posts and decide whether to post them or not. If you post them, it will indicate that they are submissions.

If someone has their asks open, you can send them an ask! Make sure to check any rules they have before you ask (ex. Anything that says “read before sending an ask”).

Types of Posts

You can post many different types of media, including text posts, links, images, videos, and audio.

Posts with images have a limit of 10 images per post. If you reblog the post again, you can add more images.

Talking in Reblogs Vs Replies Vs Tags

The majority of users who share their input do so via the tags on a reblog. It is very common for someone to reblog a post and add their thoughts in the tags. This used to be more private, before Tumblr changed the Activity settings so that the OP and those who look for it can see the tags added.

If you want your input to be a bit more public, you can reply to the post. Your reply shows up to everyone who looks in the post’s replies section.

The most public type of input is through reblogs. When you reblog a post, you can add to it (similar to a quote retweet). If you want to add a link, you need to do so in a reblog. Usually, you’ll only want to talk in your reblog if you have something good to add. Many posters get annoyed at people talking in the reblogs. However, content creators (CCs) generally get a pass for this.

Misc

Block people you don’t like. Curate your online experience.

Yes, you will get pornbot followers. They are very easy to identify. Block or report and move on.

There are many shared tumblr cultural experiences, and many common posts/lore that users know (ex. Color of the sky, stealing bones, the onceler). Don’t worry about not understanding the references—you’ll see these posts eventually.

Don’t breach containment.

Have fun :]

[Have questions? Reply to this post or send me an ask!]

[ahappydnp]

Heyy I'm sorry if that's not sth you wanna talk ab just ignore in that case but I just absolutely loved your response ab BIG and felt comfortable enough to ask this. I saw someone say the phandom is the reason dnp are so private and will never disclose their relationship status (which ofc none of them have to nor owe anyone)and that it took Dan so long to be comfortable w himself and open. I'm quite new here so idk, I know people have been very invasive but was it to that extent in your opinion?

Oof this is a complex question. First off, yes the community as a whole was incredibly invasive. (We could get into the semantics of how it was a vocal minority who were outwardly and directly crossing boundaries vs those who kept to themselves when it came to issues that shouldn’t have been discussed around dnp but who also consumed and interacted with things they shouldn’t have.) But overall, yes. The community had a tendency to be toxic in terms of crossing dnp’s boundaries.

People found private social media accounts/old posts from both the boys and their friends and posted them. People harassed Dan’s brother off the internet. Of course the big one of sharing and discussing the private video in spaces where dnp would see it (and sometimes just outright asking them about it). Asking about their relationship and sexualities. Bringing up old posts (which I understand can be a gray area in the beginning as some people were around for said posts and there was never a conversation about them not being comfortable with that narrative as they became more popular. But also like....it was clear over time they didn’t want things to get out. But then there’s the conversation about people attacking others over public posts? Overall, the important thing is it did cause them distress).

Now, when it comes to them disclosing or the timeline of them coming out, I don’t think it was just the trauma they had experienced with that subset of their audience. Dan talked about how he personally was not ready, how he was closeted in his personal life, how he had his own internalized homophobia to work through. They also had to think about their careers as a whole. Do you think the BBC would have allowed a gay couple to have their own show in 2012?! Would they have gotten as many opportunities if they were out? Absolutely not. The community absolutely played a part in it. What they went through was legitimately traumatic. It would be for any closeted queer person, but on that scale? Yes, it was horrible.

And I reallyyyy don’t want this to turn into a conversation of people trying to claim innocence or point fingers because it was That group and not My group and WE didn’t do anything. The damage still happened regardless of how many or who did it. And dnp understand it wasn’t everyone. If they held a grudge against their entire fan base they wouldn’t still engage with us at this level. Their relationship with us was complicated and hard at times back in the day, but (despite a few incidences *cough*) they never lashed out, always staying positive and kind (especially at times when it wasn’t particularly deserved). Regardless of where every person sat individually, we as a collective did put them through hell. Is the community the only reason they came out later? No, absolutely not. That was a personal choice that came from a variety of factors.

As far as their relationship, they’ve both stated that they’re private people and want that part of their lives to be free from media speculation (which is more than fair given that every aspect of who they are has been up for media speculation). The thing is though, they treat us as a separate entity from the media. We as their audience and their community, many of whom have stuck with them for years and years, have earned back a certain level of trust. I do believe they see us in a kind of bubble where it’s safer. But yes, everything they say and do is manufactured to not cause commotion outside the bubble. If they hated us and still harbored all this resentment that sooo many people love to mention, they wouldn’t...be here? They wouldn’t do weekly liveshows together where they have both stated time and time again that they enjoy it, they enjoy spending time with us. The thing that has set them apart from other creators since DAY ONE is their relationship with their audience. It’s something that people in the industry have commented on, it’s something their peers have commented on, it’s something THEY have commented on. Despite everything, their bond with their community is unparalleled.

[uomo-accattivante]

Oscar Isaac’s next project, Armageddon Time, has been picked up by Focus Features and plans to start shooting at the beginning of next year (2021) in New York:

EXCLUSIVE: In another deal that demonstrated the vibrancy of the Virtual Cannes Market, Focus Features is in final talks to fund and distribute worldwide Armageddon Time, the James Gray-directed drama that has Robert De Niro, Oscar Isaac, Donald Sutherland, Anne Hathaway and Cate Blanchett poised to star. Sources said that the Focus commitment will be in the $15 million range, meaning that’s what Gray will have to work with to make a movie that will begin production at the start of 2021 with the intention to shoot in New York.

Wild Bunch International introduced the RT Features film to buyers at virtual Cannes market and repped international rights. CAA Media Finance, which arranged financing, represented the film’s domestic distribution rights. WBI and CAA Media Finance co-repped China rights.

While many wondered what the appetite of global buyers after the pandemic as they headed into Virtual Cannes, the results so far have been as strong as many recent markets held annually on the Croisette. The Antoine Fuqua-directed Will Smith-starrer Emancipation was a record setting festival pre-buy for Apple, in a deal worth over $120 million when the backend buyouts are factored. NEON and Topic Studios took U.S. and the world sold out on Spencer, the Pablo Larrain-directed drama that stars Kristen Stewart as Princess Diana. Paramount acquired North American rights for around $10 million to the Lee Daniels-directed The United States Vs. Billie Holiday, a film that is expected to be in the mix in the upcoming Oscar race. It is in postproduction. That’s to name just a few of the titles that sold big.

Gray wrote Armageddon Time based on his childhood memories, and returns for action with RT Features following their recent collaboration on Ad Astra, the Brad Pitt space thriller that co-starred Sutherland. RT Features’ Rodrigo Teixeira will produce along with Gray and Anthony Katagas, with Lourenço Sant’Anna and Rodrigo Gutierrez executive producing.

Gray scripted a big-hearted coming-of-age story that explores friendship and loyalty against the backdrop of an America poised to elect Ronald Reagan as president. When Deadline introduced the project with that killer cast three weeks ago, Gray said the film is the opposite of the lonely, dark void that was at the center of Ad Astra.

“[It] is very much about people, about human emotions and interactions between people, and I want it to be filled with warmth and tenderness,” Gray told Deadline. “In some sense, yes it’s about my childhood, but an illustration of familial love really on every level. I’m of the belief that most people do their best and that they try their best under difficult circumstances and in some sense that’s a beautiful thing and very moving to me. In a grander sense if I may sound a little sententious and pretentious, history and myth always begin in the microcosm of the personal and though you are using something so small and specific in your life, the result can become universal if it accesses real emotion. I’ve tried to move to the opposite of a cold dark space. I want to be political and historic about it, but fill it with love and warmth. What happened with me, very simply, I got in big trouble when I was around 11, though the boys are 12 in the movie, and the story is about my movement from the public education that I got into private school and a world of privilege. This film is about what that meant for me and how lucky I was, and how unlucky my friend was and about that break meant for me and what it meant for him.”

The drama confronts the class clash of the haves and have-nots. “It’s symbolic about what the school represented at the time, entrenched in this white protestant ethic,” Gray said. “I found it very foreign to me, a product of the public school system in New York City of the ‘70s. It’s about that transition and how it reflects on what the American society was and sadly still is. How we are separated along the lines of class and ethnicity. The film is really about that, my transition in school from one to the other. The implications of it are quite large. The world really became clearly divided to me, based on the haves and the have-nots. I didn’t write the script last week, but rather many months ago and it’s weird in that a lot of what we’re seeing right now is playing out of many of the themes that it was my ambition to explore in the first place. This obsession I have with examining American ideas of class mobility, to do it in a context that is humane with social impact.”

Gray said that aside from getting him away from trouble, the school brought him face to face with attitudes that are relevant right now. “My recollection when I think back on that moment, which is 1980 as the time frame of the movie, and what an important year it was in the history of the country and for me personally and how in some ways, I was pretty damn lucky,” he said. ” My parents who were not wealthy at all as a working class family, used all the levers they could, to be able to go to this school. Which simultaneously saved my life, but also awakened me to real racism and anti-Semitism. In some ways, the idea of presenting a story like this within the context of this family, told with great warmth, is sometimes your greatest Trojan Horse, to involve people emotionally that way. And story is a great weapon to be able to deliver some pretty harsh news.”

De Niro, Sutherland, Hathaway, Blanchett, Gray, and RT Features are represented by CAA. Hathaway is also represented by Management 360. Isaac is represented by WME and Inspire Entertainment.

###

[dirtyfilthy]

The Betrayal Of Chelsea Manning By The Coward Adrian Lamo

I have only participated in “cancel culture” once that I can remember. Once, over the broad course of my life, and that was when Adrian Lamo sold Chelsea Manning out to the authorities. Motherfucker has the  sheer gall to call himself a hacker, and then rats someone out — not because of his principles, but from a constant desire for pure narcissistic supply -- and all this from a position of trust no less… 

I was real angry, and I wanted to put the boot in, any way I could. There was a special circle of hell reserved for people like Adrian Lamo… and as it would turn out, he was already in it. 

Amongst petty vendettas like stuffing his wikipedia page with all the well referenced dirt I could dig up, along the way, and kind of by-the-by, I ended up doing a lot of research on the guy, and then, well, the picture of Lamo that emerged… 

Jesus. 

He’s been a hardcore benzo addict since his twenties. If you know what to look for you can tell in some of his interviews, slurring his words and looking very spacey.  He never really had a real job, never broke into the industry he was aways on the fringes of. It’s kinda crazy, if you search for “homeless hacker Adrian Lamo” you can still see what the mass media thought of him before he turned in Chelsea. 

He’d kind of weaselled his way into popular consciousness by being a shameless self-promoter, and then managing to get caught in that spectacular “rebellious teenage hacker” vs. “huge faceless corporation” way that tends to capture people’s imagination. 

There were whole articles about him in Wired. Multiple in fact. Here’s one of earliest from 2004 (unfortunately now behind a paywall), “New York Times vs The Homeless Hacker”. The first few lines can still give you the gist, however

A self-styled security expert and serial self-promoter, Adrian Lamo made headlines as a grayhat hacker. Then the Gray Lady came down on his head. Not long ago Adrian Lamo was exploring an abandoned gypsum processing plant in West Philadelphia with two friends, when a police cruiser drove slowly by. Lamo’s friends were high on methamphetamines…

https://www.wired.com/2004/04/hacker-5/

Even during this phase of his life, a lot of people in the scene didn’t like him. At least, there were people complaining on hacker boards about him stealing exploits and then burning them for the publicity.  In the end he got off with probation and home detention, and that was the end of blatantly hacking into shit. Any more and he would certainly end up in prison. Attitudes were changing, the authorities had stopped seeing hacking as just high-spirited teenage hijinks. and the increasingly severe penalties could land you some serious time. 

After this, he just sorted floated around. He never got job in the industry like the rest of us, and I suspect he may have been  basically unemployable for one reason or another. The next time he popped up in my news feed was in 2010 with a strange article from ex-hacker turned journalist and friend of Lamo’s,, Kevin Poulsen — “Ex-Hacker Adrian Lamo Institutionalized, Diagnosed with Asperger’s” 

The first paragraph or so reads:

Last month Adrian Lamo, a man once hunted by the FBI, did something contrary to his nature. He says he picked up a payphone outside a Northern California supermarket and called the cops.

Someone, Lamo says, had grabbed his backpack containing the prescription anti-depressants he'd been on since 2004, the year he pleaded guilty to hacking The New York Times. He wanted his medication back. But when the police arrived at the Safeway parking lot it was Lamo, not the missing backpack, that interested them. Something about his halting, monotone speech, perhaps slowed by his medication, got the officers' attention

— (https://www.wired.com/2010/05/lamo/)

The article claimed Lamo had been arrested for acting strangely and then institutionalised, basically claiming the police had arrested him because he was autistic. At the time, I didn’t really give this a second thought, “oh well, ho-hum”. As itt turned out, this was a case of the most spectacular kind of “spin” I think I’ve ever seen; the only place the article actually intersected with general consensual reality was in stating Lamo had been arrested and placed on psychiatric hold.

The real story, which is entirely far more pathetic, was that Lamo’s family had become worried about his benzo use (“prescription anti-depressants”) and had cut him off. He totally lost the plot at this point and stormed out of house. Concerned about his mental state, and with fears for his physical safety, it was actually  his own family that called the police to try and find him. 

When confronted about this fairly massive discrepancy, Lamo claimed he hadn’t exactly “lied” as such, and had simply withheld some facts due to personal privacy concerns. 

It was at this point I finally began to see the whole tattered trajectory of Lamo’s entire life — trace the greasy path of his rainbow with my fingertips, and watch as the once bright twine became  increasing gray and frayed as each thread began to curve back towards it’s inevitable impact with the earth, when, at which point, everything important would begin to totally unravel around him.

At his core, Adrian Lamo was a narcissist, and so Adrian Lamo absolutely believed in the Adrian Lamo narrative, as only a narcissist can. Near of beginning of his tale, this was easy to do. He was a wandering Daoist sage, a renegade techno-monk character in a Neal Stephenson cyberpunk novella, and anytime he wanted to see his own reflection he could simply look in any of the major newspapers.  

After his arrest and release, the rest of the world moved on. His peers all settled down to well-paid industry gigs, and you couldn’t just pop the New York Times through an open proxy any longer — well, at least: not most of time, anyway. His own sword, never the exactly the sharpest in the first place, was beginning to show some signs of a serious structural rust. 

Without the constant assurance of people telling his own story back at him, what was he exactly? What did the mirror portray to him now?  An unemployed, semi-homeless drug addict, a hacker who couldn’t hack his way out of wet paper back with pick axe, the tired punch line to any number of bad jokes...   

Of course, the many similarities to my own life were not exactly lost on me. I was basically a case of being a few near misses and unlucky hits away from sitting in his exact position. I had made the transition to an industry career successfully, but I was still a drug addict with mental heath issues.  I had gone through my own narcissistic stage when I was younger, but thankfully grew out of it, the old moons no longer pulled on my tides the way they used to. 

The essential Lamo pattern had began to emerge. Still chasing the same bright stars that had long since sunk beneath the horizon line of the ocean; Lamo would begin to feel irrelevant —  Lamo would get then his name in the media in some fashion. A momentary peace was then achieved, then came a brief period of post-orgasmic. cosmic serenity. 

But of course, the wheel of karma will not stop spinning for anyone, and so, soon enough and all-to-quickly, the entire process of personal renewal, would have to, you know…..  begin anew.

A few other case studies were observed. An unreleased, permanently unfinished documentary featuring Lamo was mysteriously leaked on the internet. Of course, Lamo himself had leaked it. And there was always appearing on various morning television shows, Good Morning America, Fox News & the like.

But then the mother of all opportunities just dropped into his lap.

Chelsea Manning needed someone to talk to. 

Chelsea knew Lamo was Bi, so he was at least in the LGBT community. Adrian was a hacker too. He’d fought against the system in his day, he was certainly someone who would “get it”, she was very sure of this.  And when she did reach out, he was indeed very sympathetic. Honestly, it seemed like he really cared. Just a genuine human being, reaching out across the vast emotional void to provide a sense of empathy to someone who really, really needed it right now.. 

He was very sympathetic when Chelsea told him all about her struggles with gender identity, and he was very sympathetic when she said she was leaking gigabytes of information to Wikileaks…. But behind his sunglasses, Lamo eyes had already morphed into a marquee LED matrix endlessly scrolling his own name. Think of the news coverage!

This was big. This was very big.

It would, in fact, turn out to be fucking huge. Of course, within in the hacker scene, and to a certain extent, even outside it, everyone just fucking loathed him now.  Eventually even the news moved on, nobody wanted any more interviews, and in the end, when everything has already been all said and done: you are ultimately left with only yourself….

… a pathetic drug addict.  Of course, I have to keep telling myself that one point of intersection does not an entire venn diagram or an actual equality make. But I can’t shake the feeling that, perhaps, maybe we weren’t really all that different.  Maybe my own betrayals have had the simple luck of being a lot less public. 

Perhaps my own sins were just as ugly, but far less ambitious. 

Adrian Lamo died alone, from a drug overdose, in a private unit in an aged care facility in Wichita, Kansas.  He was 37 years old. An autopsy showed his kidneys were already failing. 

I guess Sartre got it wrong. Hell isn’t other people, it’s being left totally alone, with nothing else around but the tedious company of your own terrible self, and of course, the fucker won’t stop talking...

So obviously there was nothing more I could do to hurt Adrian Lamo, nothing that Adrian Lamo hadn’t done already. He had long since locked himself away in a prison cell of his own making. I do wonder if maybe one too many silent 3am’s hadn’t come crawling around the clock face when he was there & awake to witness it, lying in bed & staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about things.

Like I’m doing.

Shit, I hope don’t go out that way. 

[jamesmoore]

Why does it matter?

Sexuality has to do with the way you identify, how you experience sexual and romantic attraction (if you do), and your interest in and preferences around sexual and romantic relationships and behavior.

Who your sexual or romantic partner is at a given moment in time doesn’t necessarily define this part of who you are. Sexuality can be fluid — changing in different situations for some, and over the years for others.

Observing patterns in sexual and romantic attraction, behavior, and preferences over time is one way to better understand your sexual identity or romantic orientation.

Familiarizing yourself with language that describes different types of sexual and romantic feelings and orientations will help you, your partners, and your friends navigate and understand the many ways people experience and identify their sexuality.

The bottom line

It’s okay to feel unsure or overwhelmed by all of the labels we now have to describe sexual and romantic orientation, attraction, and behavior.

Expanding the language you use to describe your sexuality can provide important guidance, validation, and access to community while on your journey of sexual self-discovery and satisfaction.

Allosexual

A word and category describing those who experience sexual attraction. Use of this term helps to normalize the experience of being asexual and provides a more specific label to describe those who aren’t part of the asexual community.

Allosexism

This refers to norms, stereotypes, and practices in society that operate under the assumption that all human beings experience, or should experience, sexual attraction.

Allosexism grants privilege to those who experience attraction and leads to prejudice against and erasure of asexual people.

Androsexual

A term used to communicate sexual or romantic attraction to men, males, or masculinity. This term intentionally includes attraction to those who identify as men, male, or masculine, regardless of biology, anatomy, or sex assigned at birth.

Asexual

Asexual identity or orientation includes individuals who don’t experience sexual attraction to others of any gender.

Also referred to as “aces,” some people who are asexual do experience romantic attraction to people of one or multiple genders.

Aromantic

A romantic orientation the describes people who experience little or no romantic attraction, regardless of sex or gender.

Autosexual

A person who’s sexually attracted to themselves. Someone’s desire to engage in sexual behavior such as masturbation doesn’t determine whether they’re autosexual.

Autoromatic

A romantic orientation that describes a person who’s romantically attracted to themselves. Those who identify as autoromatic often report experiencing the relationship they have with themselves as romantic.

Bicurious

This refers to people who are questioning or exploring bisexuality, which typically includes curiosity about one’s romantic or sexual attraction to people of the same or different genders.

Bisexual

A sexual orientation that describes those who experience sexual, romantic, or emotional attractions to people of more than one gender.

Also referred to as “bi,” bisexual typically includes individuals who are attracted to a variety of people, with genders that are similar to and different than their own.

Biromantic

Those who experience romantic attraction, but not sexual attraction, to individuals of more than one gender.

Closeted

Closeted, also referred to as “in the closet,” describes people in the LGBTQIA+ community who don’t publicly or openly share their sexual identity, sexual attraction, sexual behavior, gender expression, or gender identity.

Closeted is often understood as the opposite of “out,” and refers to the metaphorical hidden or private place a LBGTQIA+ person comes from in the process of making decisions about disclosing gender and sexuality.

Some individuals may be out in certain communities but closeted in others, due to fear of discrimination, mistreatment, rejection, or violence.

Coming out

A phrase that refers to the process of being open about one’s sexuality and gender. For many LGBTQIA+ people, “coming out” isn’t a one-time event, but a process and series of moments and conversations.

Also described as coming out of the closet, this process can include:

sharing about a same-gender or similar gender sexual or romantic attraction or experience

identifying as LGBTQIA+

disclosing one’s specific gender identity, gender expression, or sexual or romantic orientation

Some LGBTQIA+ people decide to keep their sexuality, gender, or intersex status private, while others decide to share these things with loved ones, acquaintances, or the public.

The process of coming out or the state of being out is a source of self-acceptance and pride for many (but not all) LGBTQIA+ individuals.

However, it’s important to remember that each person’s coming out experience is different, and the act of coming out can be hard and emotional.

The decision to come out is deeply personal. Each person should make decisions about disclosing sexuality and gender in their own time and manner.

Cupiosexual

Cupiosexual describes asexual people who don’t experience sexual attraction but still have the desire to engage in sexual behavior or a sexual relationship.

Demisexual

On the asexual spectrum, this sexual orientation describes individuals who experience sexual attraction only under specific circumstances, such as after building a romantic or emotional relationship with a person.

Demiromantic

This romantic orientation describes individuals who experience romantic attraction only under specific circumstances, such as after building an emotional relationship with a person.

Fluid

This terms refers to the fact that sexuality, sexual attraction, and sexual behavior can change over time and be dependent on the situation.

It’s used to describe those who experience shifts in their sexuality, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior in different situations or throughout the course of their lifetime. You may hear someone describe their sexuality as “fluid.”

Gay

A term that describes individuals who experience sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people of the same or a similar gender.

Some gay-identified women prefer the term lesbian, while others prefer queer or gay. It’s also best to ask which word or term someone uses to describe themselves.

The fields of medicine and psychology previously referred to this sexual orientation as homosexual. Homosexual is now viewed as an outdated and offensive term and shouldn’t be used to refer to LGBTQIA+ individuals.

Graysexual

Graysexual is a term used to acknowledge the gray area on the sexuality spectrum for people who don’t explicitly and exclusively identify as asexual or aromantic.

Many people who identify as graysexual do experience some sexual attraction or desire, but perhaps not at the same level or frequency as those who identify their sexuality as being completely outside of the asexual spectrum.

Grayromantic

A romantic orientation that describes individuals whose romantic attraction exists in the gray area between romantic and aromantic.

Many people who identify as grayromantic do experience some romantic attraction, but perhaps not at the same level or frequency as those who identify their sexuality or romantic orientation as something other than asexual.

Gynesexual

A term used to communicate sexual or romantic attraction to women, females, or femininity.

This term intentionally includes attraction to those who identify as women, female, or feminine, regardless of biology, anatomy, or the sex assigned at birth.

Heterosexual

A term that describes people who experience sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people of the “opposite” gender (e.g. male vs. female, man vs. woman) or a different gender.

Both cisgender and transgender identified people can be heterosexual. This sexual orientation category is commonly described as straight.

Homosexual

An outdated term rooted in the fields of medicine and psychology that refers to individuals who experience sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people of the same or a similar gender.

Lesbian

A woman or female-identified person who experiences sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people of the same or a similar gender.

Some women who are lesbians may also refer to themselves as gay or queer, while others prefer the label lesbian.

LGBTQIA+

The acronym that often describes individuals who don’t identify as exclusively heterosexual or exclusively cisgender.

The letters in the LGBTQIA+ acronym stand for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex, and asexual.

The + symbol in LGBTQIA+ refers to the fact that there are many sexual orientations and gender identities that are part of the broader LGBTQIA community, but aren’t included as part of the acronym.

Libidoist asexual

A term used to describe an asexual person who experiences sexual feelings that are satisfied through self-stimulation or masturbation.

This label acknowledges that, for some people, acting on libido or sexual feelings doesn’t necessarily involve sexual behavior with others.

Monosexual

A broad sexual orientation category that includes people who experience romantic or sexual attraction to people of one sex or gender. Monosexuality typically includes those who are exclusively heterosexual, gay, or lesbian.

Non-libidoist asexual

Referring to an identity on the asexuality spectrum, a non-libidoist asexual is someone who doesn’t experience any sexual feelings or have an active sex drive.

Omnisexual

Omnisexual is similar to pansexual and can be used to describe individuals whose sexuality isn’t limited to people of a particular gender, sex, or sexual orientation.

Pansexual

A term that describes individuals who can experience sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to any person, regardless of that person’s gender, sex, or sexuality.

Panromantic

A term that describes individuals who can experience romantic, or emotional (but not sexual) attraction to any person, regardless of that person’s gender, sex, or sexuality.

Polysexual

A term that describes individuals with a sexual orientation that involves sexual or romantic attraction to people with varying genders. Polysexual orientations include bisexuality, pansexuality, omnisexuality, and queer, among many others.

Pomosexual

A term (not necessarily an identity) used to refer to those who reject sexuality labels or don’t identify with any of them.

Passing

Passing refers to society’s perceptions and assumptions of someone’s sexuality or gender.

Specifically, this term is most commonly used to discuss the frequency and extent to which an LGBTQIA+ person is perceived as or assumed to be straight or cisgender.

It’s important to note that some LGBTQIA+ people have the desire to pass while others do not. In fact, the act of being perceived as straight or cisgender can be a source of discomfort and discrimination for some in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Queer

An umbrella term that describes individuals who aren’t exclusively heterosexual. The term queer (the Q in LBGTQIA+), acknowledges that sexuality is a spectrum as opposed to a collection of independent and mutually exclusive categories.

Use of the word queer opens up options beyond lesbian, gay, and bisexual to individuals who don’t fit neatly into these categories or prefer a category that isn’t dependent on sex and gender.

While this term once had negative and derogatory connotations, queer has resurfaced as a common and socially acceptable way for LGBTQIA+ individuals to refer to themselves and their community.

Despite its growing use, some people still have negative associations with the word queer and don’t like to be referred to in this way. Queer, like all terms describing sexuality, should be used sensitively and respectfully.

Questioning

The process of being curious about or exploring some aspect of sexuality or gender. Questioning can also be used as an adjective to describe someone who’s currently exploring their sexuality or gender.

Romantic attraction

The experience of having an emotional response that results in the desire for a romantic, but not necessarily sexual, relationship or interaction with another person or oneself.

Some people experience romantic attraction but don’t experience sexual attraction.

Romantic orientation

Romantic orientation is an aspect of self and identity that involves:

how you identify

the way you experience romantic desire (if you do)

the gender(s) or sex(es) of the people who someone engages in romantic relationships with (if any)

the gender(s) or sex(es) of the people someone is romantically attracted to (if any)

Sapiosexual

A word used to describe those who experience attraction based on intelligence, rather than sex or gender.

Sexual attraction

Sexual attraction refers to experiencing sexual desire or arousal in relation to another person or group of people.

Sex-averse

Sex-averse describes those who are asexual and are averse to or extremely disinterested in sex or sexual behavior.

Sex-favorable

On the spectrum of asexuality, sex-favorable is viewed as the “opposite” of sex-repulsed and describes those who are asexual, and in certain situations can have favorable or positive feelings toward sex.

Sex-indifferent

Sex-indifferent describes those who are asexual and feel indifferent or neutral about sex or sexual behavior.

Sexual orientation or sexuality

Sexual orientation or sexuality is an aspect of self that involves:

how you identify

the way you experience sexual or romantic desire (if you do)

the gender(s) or sex(es) of the people who someone engages in sexual or romantic activity with (if any)

the gender(s) or sex(es) of the people someone is attracted to (if any)

Sexuality can change over the course of someone’s life and in different situations. It’s understood to be a spectrum instead of a series of mutually exclusive categories.

Sex-repulsed

Similar to sex-averse, sex-repulsed is on the spectrum of asexuality and describes those who are asexual and are repulsed by or extremely disinterested in sex or sexual behavior.

Skoliosexual

A sexual orientation that describes those who are sexually attracted to people with non-cisgender gender identities, such as people who are nonbinary, genderqueer, or trans.

Spectrasexual

A term that describes people who are sexually or romantically attracted to multiple or varied sexes, genders, and gender identities — but not necessarily all or any.

Straight

Also known as heterosexual, straight describes people who experience sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to individuals of the “opposite” gender (e.g. male vs. female, man vs. woman) or a different gender.

People who identify as cisgender and transgender can be straight.

[bridgetlynn]

Goodnight & Goodluck

So I don’t know who reads these anymore - when I actually pop up and post something. Especially since I don’t do the usual tumblr “thing” and just re-blog pictures. But sometimes I just need to write something down and say it “outloud”, as it were. So really, it’s my own thoughts, for my own piece of mind, in an attempt to remind myself what should be.

It’s May 31st 2020. At least, technically, since it’s 3:20am as I start to write this. 

America’s burning. In the year of two-thousand-twenty. Think about that.

Then ask yourself why. 

(Newsflash - not covid)

If you had to either think too long about it - or don’t understand - then you’ll never get it. If you don’t think there’s even an iota of justification to that level of rage and terror and sadness then you’ll really never get it.

And I feel sorry for you. 

If you can answer those questions truthfully and turn a blind eye? Then I’m disgusted with you. 

If you’ve ever screamed all lives matter - especially right now - just don’t ever bother talking to me. ‘Cause you’re an oblivious moron.

Because there’s a simple fact at play - right now and always -

Black. Lives. Matter.

Maybe it’s ‘cause of where I grew up. Maybe it’s ‘cause of how I was raised.  

We see it year after year after year after year...and it doesn’t stop. And I can’t wrap my head around it. 

I grew up on Long Island - which everyone automatically thinks means I was a wealthy, privledged white girl from the suburbs. 

And I agree - I was a privledged white girl from the suburbs...wealthy not so much. I grew up in a mostly white town - but due to the way parts of Long Island are structured and zoned I also simultaneously grew up in a fairly diverse overall community. 

The way my family raised me was simple - a person is a person. That’s it. You treat a human being with respect and dignity and equality until they show you that they (singular to that specific individual) do not deserve it. Doesn’t matter if they’re white, black, asian, hispanic....you get the point. (and yes, that included LGBTQ+ as well) I’m just not built to think any other way.

I genuinely didn’t realize there was any other way of thinking until I got to high school. As far as I was concerned before high school - everyone was different and that was what made us beautiful. That’s what made it amazing to live here in the United States. 

My Irish heritage family. My best friend’s Nigerian heritage family. Various other friends of differing backgrounds who lived in our area. These were just the people we associated with because they were our neighbors and friends and co-workers and school mates. They lived their lives alongside us and they good people. That’s all anyone in my family ever needed to know.

Then high school came - and suddenly I was in a private catholic school (our public school wasn’t great) and I was weird. I was a poor, scholarship kid who “didn’t belong” because I didn’t have a lot of money. That I shrugged off. That I had been exposed to my whole life. Hell, I had expected it.

What I couldn’t understand was....if I didn’t belong because I didn’t have money....then why did the senior boy whose parents were both surgeons, drove a Jaguar to school and had a country club membership get treated like even more of a pariah then I did? Literally, possibly the wealthiest kid in the school at the time.

Maybe it was stupid of me at 14 to NOT have realized it - hell, maybe I was lucky to have not been exposed to it - but my african-american best friend’s mother had to sit me down and explain how genuinely shitty most people are. It wasn’t just on tv. It wasn’t just in history books. It was everywhere. Including what I thought was our nice little neighborhood. 

Apparently, my family, was the outlier. And I never realized that.

Then she told me she loved me like I was her own and sent me to do my homework. 

And I’m glad she was the one who told me - ‘cause my parents didn’t “get it”. 

Not really. They didn’t get it - not ‘cause they didn’t see it. Or know about it. Or hate it. But because they were physically incapable of living that experience. And they understood that. I know it’s the same for me. But I hate it now more then I hated it then. 

Years ago it was a child-like misunderstood hatred fueled by the idea that anyone would think my best friend - or any other person - was bad or wrong for how they looked. That they would dislike someone and use that as a reason. Now it’s an adult hatred that stems from a more fully lived life that brought about the understanding that it’s far more then dislike. Seeing friends looked at side-eyed for being in a store...seeing boyfriends get questioned about what they were doing with me in their car...seeing people murdered by the very people who are supposed to be protecting everyone.

And make no mistake - it’s murder in every sense of the word.

The systemic violence in policing has been getting progressively worse throughout my lifetime. Throughout my parents lifetimes. My grandparents. 

And it has to stop. It has to be stopped.

The ingrained, brainwashed, predjudice that gets drilled into them through a testosterone, rage, fueled culture of “us vs them” has to be crushed into to the dirt and rebuilt into something that can be relied on. 

Now, I haven’t seen my friend’s family in years. Jaycee’s parents moved when we graduated from different colleges. She got married. Kids came. People grow older and lose touch. It happens in life to everyone. Doesn’t mean they ever forget the people who helped to shape them into the adults they would become

Needless to say I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately. Not because “those are my black friends” (as some people like to point to for themselves as examples of how they aren’t racist) but because without them I sometimes wonder how I could have turned out. 

Without them in my life would it have been possible for my happy-go-lucky everyone is awesome childhood to be perverted throughout high school and college into me giving someone the side-eye because they were (allegedly) different then me?

I’d like to think the answer to that is a resounding no. But as I said earlier - our experiences and the people around us shape who we are. And if we avoid people who are (according to some) different then us? 

Then we never realize that they aren’t. Not where it counts.

And, if you were wondering - the answer to my question at the top. Why is America burning in 2020?

Because we got complacent. We stopped helping. We stopped seeing people for who they actually are; rather then our first glance. 

America is burning because white American’s let it get dragged there over years and years of injustice until it didn’t have anywhere else to go but up in flames. 

And I despise Trump - but he’s not the main problem. ‘Cause, he’s definitely a massive problem. But in this case - he’s a symptom of the problem. 

If racism, bigotry and hatred didn’t exist in our overall society then he wouldn’t be our President. Hell, if those things didn’t exist then he wouldn’t have even been allowed near the Republican Nomination - let alone the Oval Office. 

And, so tonight, when I would much rather be in the city - standing shoulder to shoulder with people I don’t know - but still love and support and admire - I’m writing this as my stand because of the damned virus. I’m stuck at home breathing through bronchitis and hoping it doesn’t get worse with a fever of 101.6 (which might have contributed to anything here that got stream of consciousness style) rather then off in Brooklyn or Times Square or the Bronx....or anywhere else I could get myself to so I could take a stand as well. Nothing else short of the fact that I can literally not get out of bed right now could have stopped me.

So, yes, this is as close as I could come. Just writing something. Just breathing it out onto the internet to be read or not read. To be absorbed or ignored. Just to be there in some form of spirit.

Because George Floyd Matters. Because Eric Garner Matters. Because Michael Brown and Freddie Gray and Philando Castile Matter. And all the thousands of others who don’t make the nightly news cycle for whatever reason. They all matter.

So all I can leave with is Edward R. Murrow’s classic sign off - with true heartfelt hope to everyone out there this evening - Goodnight and Goodluck.

I wish I could be with you.