#granted my period is also gonna start soon and that always comes with full body aches

[namira]

COVID booster is kicking my ass yeesh

[thepeakyfckingblinders]

Never Again || Thomas Shelby x reader

credits to @saralou23​ for the gif

⤠ MASTERLIST⤟

Anon requested/summary: “can I request a fic where the reader is found unconscious or faints in the shop or something and tommy freaks out? I just find protective tommy so ❤️💓💟!! Thank you, your writing is absolutely INCREDIBLE” (Thank you so much honeybun, you’re making me blush, pls, forgive me for being late ❤️)

Warnings: swearing, bossy Tommy, basically Tommy freaking out and being overprotective, me always loving him with all of my mangled soul

Author’s notes:

I hope you are okay darlings, I love you, please stay safe ♡

I’m so sorry for being this late, I have no excuses, forgive me. Also the end sucks, but I’m struggling with my writing lately, so, sorry again.

I love protective Thomas so much, he’s an ass, but he’s a softie, and I’m gonna lose my mind some day.

Behind each one of these works there are sleepless nights and something really close to multiple mental breakdowns, so, please, take a minute to send me a message about it, I need actual actual feedbacks to understand how to improve my skills and grow ♡

If you want to be added to my tag list, please, directly message me

I’m Italian, English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for every possible mistake I made. Also, please, help me improve my writing by telling me if there’s something wrong

ENJOY!

Birmingham’s gelid air hit your sensitive skin with no mercy as soon as your red mary-janes crossed the doorway of the Garrison, only to disgracefully sink into the greyish muddy loam in which the whole of Small Heath seemed to be covered.

Your fingers felt like rigid appendages burdening your already wearied arms, while you tried your best to wrap them around your coat’s edges, in a disperate effort to keep that warm tissue on your bulging clavicles left exposed by the woollen dress you were wearing. No matter how many heavy clothes you decided to put on, that implacable cold still succeeded in making you feel constantly out of forces, debilitated to the core; it had always been that way, since you were nothing more than a little girl obliged to spend one every two months confined in your bedroom, afflicted by incredibly high fever and sometimes even bronchitis.

Truth was that your body had never got used to England’s humid weather, yet, even though you poor healt had previously put you in danger, for your sake, thanks to the enormous progresses made by medicine in the past fifteen years, it was now easy to fight against the ruthless chill of those endless winters. Plus, since the earliest days of your attendence, your wardrobe had been perpetually refreshed with high-quality pieces perfectly in step with the times, for your fiancée had been literally covering you in furs and duvets of all kinds, concerned as he was that you could’ve eventually caught another bad fever, whose deathly consequences he had already experienced on his own thick skin. And for no reason in the world he would’ve even risked to lose you too.

So, as everybody could’ve easily predicted, Thomas was perennially paying attention to your wellbeing: the most famous specialists from inside and outside the United Kingdom had come directly to your country house; if one thing could be taken for granted, it was that your medications would always be settled on your side cabinet, together with a glass of fresh water, every day and every night; and, come hell or high water, he would accompany you during your routine visits to the hospital, even when it meant leaving all of his business without any prior warning.

Needless to say, you were perfectly able to do those things on your own -pheraps except for getting a crowd of world renowned doctors in your living room- and you sure as hell had tried to persuade him that there was no need at all for being so preoccupied all the time; still, he was Tommy Shelby, he simply couldn’t help it. 

The concern for his loved ones’ lives kept stealing his sleep, even on those nights when there was no trace of imminent dangers on the horizon, it kept excoriating the insides of his drained brains, to the point that, more than once, you’d had to sleep alone in your immense king-size bed or reach for him in his study, curling up on one of his uncomfortable armchairs, ready to appease his fears as best you could. In short, for as much as you needed him to relax, you were still able to understand his protective behavior, against which, as a matter of fact, no one could do much; thus you at least tried not to give him more reasons to be worried by paying some extra attention to all those small things you could solve without Tommy even knowing about it. Regularly taking your iron tablets, for example. Nonetheless, it had now been already a week since the Peaky Blinders had started a brand new business involving in effect every metalworking factory in and around Birmingham, and the whole family, you and Tom included, had been so turbulently tied up with work to let every other thought and need slither on the back burner. As a direct consequence, your doctor’s latest prescription was unfortunately left lying on the bottom of your drawer, that being the fourth day in a row you’d spent without taking those pills, and, even though everything appeared to be going well until then, that one Thursday morning your period eventually came and stroke the fatal blow, having you feel so faint and aching that, all of a sudden, the few metres separating your side of the street from the betting shop seemed to implausibly dilate right under your blurred vision, a vexing sense of nausea assaulting your empty stomach led you to lean against a lamppost, your skin still crawling beneath all those heavy tissues.  Dizziness and lethargy almost took over your sore mind, before you shook your head with an abrupt move in a bid to dispel those unpleasent sensations; clients would’ve arrived in less than a hour, Esme had taken John’s kids on a brief fieldtrip, Michael was already in his office, the boys were making their usual rounds of the mills, Finn and Isaiah were dealing with a couple folks in need back at the Garrison and Polly was nowhere in sight, which made you the only available blinder for the opening and, with Friday’s race approaching, there was no way the box-office could remain shut. Hence, more determined than ever, you chocked down the knot forming in your throat due to queasiness and just forced youself to put one foot in front of the other onto the dusty road, until you reached the shop door, not without the risk of tripping over multiple times in the process. Your frozen fingers clutched to the small side-wall now carring all of your weight, whilst your lungs tried to let in as much air as possible. And it worked, each plodding breath seemed to fight your sickness, also your heartbeat was gradually slowing down, thus you shut your eyelids and continued to inhale deeply for a full minute, before your trembilng hand managed to finally turn the key in the lock, giving you free access to the place. 

However, the small click produced by the latch closing again did not live to reach your ears, for they were already brimful of ominous hisses, in a scant moment a bulk of hypnotic grey worms prevented you from seeing anything else, they relentlessly squirmed in front of your dilated pupils, that repulsing view sending brutal shooks straight to your clenched stomach, again. And, before you even had a chance to realize what was going on, your brain completely blacked out.

                                                    ~ ~ ~

Words would not be sufficient to describe the fright taking over Arthur’s features the second your inert silhouette entered his line of sight. Just returned from their daily patrol, he had indeed noticed a small crowd waiting outside the office, cursing and fussing because of the lacked opening, and that alone had been weird enough for him to punch and kick his way up to the entrance, profanities spilling from his mustached mouth every time somebody’s elbow digged into his ribcage, inducing him to hit back so to stand his ground, only to eventually find himself powerless in front of that ghastly scene. It took him a while to recover from the shock, yet the eldest Shelby eventually regained control of his limbs and moved towards your shape with a single step.

“Polly! Pol, come here, for God’s sake!” Those hoarse yells filled the room, reverberating through the brickwalls, so loud that they could’ve been heard from the other side of the city, Arthur fell on his knees right beside you, gently placing a hand under your nape in order to lift your head. Blind panic streaming in his veins kept him for thinking clearly, he didn’t know what to do, thus he simply shook you from your shoulders, hoping in vain to see your eyes fly back open, but your neck just bent backwards.

“Where the hell is that bloody woman when I need her?!” he grunted those words in between his teeth while tigthening his grip on you, then his chest raised in a sharp move: “Jesus Christ, Polly!” He shouted once more, this time conveying all of his breath and blood towards his larynx, his abrasive voice shriveled and insisted on the last letters of his aunt’s name, until swift strides frantically hit the creaking steps, announcing Polly’s arrive. Her eyes struggled to remain open, her left palm was pressed against her forehead in a silly attempt to soothe the tremendous headache resulted from the previous night’s booze, she didn’t even have the time to put proper clothing on, since her mad niece was apparentely going berserk. “You, son of a bastard-” cursed words died underneath her tongue when she understood what was going on, soon her feet took on a life of their own, as they picked up their peace, leading her next to your body now held in Arthur’s arms.

“She’s freezing, Pol, she’s a fucking chunk of ice!” Hiccoughs shattered his worried cries, he almost whined, shifting his gaze from yours to Polly’s face over and over again, she, on the other hand, used the whole lenght of her right arm to clear in one smooth motion the closest desk. “Quick, lay her here” The deafening noise produced by those items colliding with the pavement barely grazed her hears, whilst she nodded to herself in the effort to impose some order on her obfuscated head, searching for a prompt solution that was late in coming, to the point that Finn beat it to the draw and stormed in, pointing a loaded gun to each corner of the room with fear in his cerulean irises. “What the hell’s going on?” That hysterical question echoed through the place, even though the young boy was finding it hard to get his breath, due to the crazy run he had made to reach the shop immediately after hearing that insane screaming. Nonetheless, in the space of an instant, he saw you as well and fell utterly silent, violent dismay caught him off guard, his wide eyes hesitated on your motionless figure; all of a sudden he didn’t know what to think, nor he could get the thought of your death out of his brains.

“My God, she’s as pale as death” Finn let his mind talk through that throttled murmur, regretting it right away, for silty goosebumps crawled on his skin under the pungent pressure of his brother’s instantaneous lethal glare. “Don’t talk shit, kid! Just fucking go and get Tom!”

The redhead didn’t waste any time, he somehow managed to recollect his guts and steadily disappeared behind the door previously left open. While struggling for air and internally searching for the right words to say in front of Thomas, Finn covered the whole distance between the office and the Garrison. Labored gasps coming out of his slightly parted lips in louder groans as he slammed the heavy pub’s doors open, using only his strongest shoulder; both Harry and Isaiah watched him run towards the back room where Tommy was going through the books, they did not dare spill a word and, after all, the boy didn’t even look in their direction, such was his concentration. Still, once he reached the place, all of a sudden his tongue felt dry, his well-organised speech faded away.

“Finn?! What’s wrong?” Tom’s icy eyes were now staring at him through his round glasses, the paper he’d been reading was instantly dropped, although his tone remained steady. “Y-you need to come, now! She... she’s-” A frown formed upon Tommy’s marble face at his little brother’s furious rambling, something wasn’t right, that was crystal clear, yet he wasn’t able to keep up with those hasty and stuttered sentences, so he approached him, putting both his hands on Finn’s shoulders in order to give him a little shove and maybe get some decent information. “Breathe, kid, and tell me what’s going on” That deep, adamant tone somehow sounded scarier than usual roaring inside the boy’s head, hence anxiety definitively won him over, gaining complete control of his mouth too. “It’s Y/n! I don’t fucking know, Tom, s-she looks dead!” All at once, time and space seemed to collapse around him, one single second dilated, covering the space of a whole lifetime beyond his vacant blue irises now fixed on an undetermined spot of the white wall behind Finn’s back.   A gruesome, yet familiar sensation raided his petrified body, it felt like having a beast’s fangs gnawing his throat off, lacerating his flesh to the bone, he could sense every little laceration, his chest being plundered, till even his sable heart was eradicated and then mauled. A strangled wheeze barely lived through his plump lips, that being the only sound he uttered, then his black pupils shrinked and immediately twitched, nailing his sibiling’s gaze. Without receiving an order from his brain, his fists violently gripped Finn’s jacket at the height of his biceps, bringing him a span away from his gnashed teeth with a sharp pull. “Where?” He snarled liked a rabid dog, striking, if possible, geater terror in the young man who struggled to spit an almost inaudible “The shop”, before being shoved against the doorframe as Tommy dodged him and rushed out.

                                                     ~ ~ ~

Polly held the bottle of her almond parfume she’d just put under your nostrils as if her life depended on it, Arthur’s rough palm, instead, began to pat your pasty cheek. “C’mon, love, wake up! Don’t play games, c’mon!” The dorsum of that same hand now poking the left side of your face, and then going back to the other, at incredible speed. You started to feel your face again when his nudges grew in intensity, until he was practically slapping you; soon a tremendous metallic taste invaded your mouth, or rather, you finally sensed it, whilst your eyelids battled against gravity to get back up. Arthur noticed it, he detected that brief flinch and it felt like being pampered with a fresh breeze after days of unsustainable heat. “Oh, fuck, I think I’m having a stroke” His tone held extreme urgency as he grasped for air, tugging with two fingers at his shirt collar; sure, he was great at knocking people off, maybe the best, yet, unfortunately, after that he’d never tried to bring somenody back with the living.

Blinding light rended your shrouded eyes, everything appeared blurred to the point that you couldn’t distinguish Polly’s features, although she was right beside you; nor your hearing was working, since the loud thud produced by the wooden door hitting the brickwall, and then your name barked by your fiancée’s coarse voice, sounded muffled to your ears. With a superhuman effort you succeeded in tilting your face towards the entrance, you recognized the navy-blue suit Thomas had chosen to wear earlier in the moring, still those nebulous images reached your brains with extreme delay, it was like watching vague movie scenes stream in slow motion. Your eyelids blinked as if a plumbeous burden was anchored to them, each flutter seemed to last a full minute, so that you perceived Tom coming to you in multiple shattered motions, while he kept calling you. The moment Tommy furiously jostled against Arthur, in order to take his place by the desk, you gradually went back to see and hear clearly, now being able to seize pure dread sailing those mesmerizing ocean eyes. “Thank goodness, y/n” His big palms envelopped both your cheeks, slightly squeezing them as he lift your neck, revealing all of his hidden delicacy that you, and you only, were able to bring out. “Y/n, love, talk to me” That order came out like a prayer, his voice betraying him once too often, his fingers shaking with worry, while one of his hands held your chin and the other went to caress your locks. Those loving strokes brushed against your skin, slowly infusing a little warmth into your gelid body, he touched you with the unbearable fear of watching you pass away in between his arms, having him struggle to breathe properly. “Do you hear me?” a single, salty drop fell from his long eyelashes and poured your lower lip, you heard his voice crack, distorting, until it became nothing more than a faint whine: “Please, love, talk to me” When his forehead pressed against yours, he finally gave in to the tears that had been held back with drastic ostination, shutting his eyes for a few instants he allowed brutal sobs to trounce his already aching chest. However, that moment of raw weakness was soon restrained, so that you returned to stare into his blue irises. Then, a small grin crossed your pale mouth and, even though your throat felt like gasoline on fire, preventing you from pronouncing a single syllable, you managed to guide your tiny hand to cup his sharp cheekbone. A burning kiss was pressed on its dorsum, before Tommy completely leant into your touch, giving you a look halfway between relief and disperation, he covered your hand with his own, holding it tight. “You’re okay, you’re safe” Those soft murmurs escaped his lips, probably aimed to placate the axphyziating terror still intoxicating his veins. Indeed, as hard as it was to conceive for everybody in that room, although you were the one just recovering from a sudden collapse, Tommy was now the one trembling like a fallen leaf, his arms rested on each side of your shape, sustaining his weight, as he barely stood on his own two feet. Slowly, you regained the necessary strenght to lift your bust, leading him to flutter in your direction, promptly enlacing his forearms around your waist in order to support your movements. “Hold onto me, darling, take it slow” His raspy voice was still unsteady and full of concern, he was holding his breath out of fear, gazing at you with wide eyes and tightening the grip on your hips as if to make sure that you wouldn’t vanish in his palms. You, on the other hand, gave him a rassuring smile, caressing his face mutliple times and placing a brief kiss on his mouth. “I’m fine, Tommy, I’m here with you” you eventually spoke close to his ear so to keep that conversation between the two of you “Let go, my love, I’m here” Your lips accidentally brushed against his forehead once he listened to you and abandoned himself to your tender embrace, gradually drowning into your soft chest while his arms clung on to your figure, his fingertips almost piercing the thick material of your dress as your cheek covered his head, totally annihilating the distance. “Don’t you ever do that to me again. Never again”.

tag list: @spidey-pal​, @shadow-of-wonder​, @stassaurus​​, @peachlle​, @livvtheangel​, @myjbphase​, @namelesslosers, @crazyonesarethebest​, @vxxn128​, @keithseabrook27​, @spaghettirogers​​, @writingstudent​​, @hp-hogwartsexpress , @eggingamazinglove​, @geeksareunique​, @cailoleaf​, @simonsbluee�� , @hereforsmutandfluff​, @starxtt​, @jenepleurepasbaby​, @staygold-bebold​, @marvelschriss​, @captivatedbycillianmurphy​

[nomtterwhere]

come back to me || marco peña x reader

a/n: now that we have an official announcement for kissing booth 3, i figured i’d finish this little fic that has been sitting in my drafts. i combined two requests because they were kind of similar and i had an idea that would work the both of them in. hope you guys like it!

request: @dystopianchic13 requested: “Going on a date and finding someone better after Elle!” and @mansaaay requested: “marco befriended a girl before the elle thirsting over marco incident, and the kissing booth, marco and the girl sorta start talking again?”

summary: when marco starts at your school, the two of you quickly become friends. but when elle gets involved, your relationship takes a turn for the worse...

word count: 4.4k

marco valentin peña.

newest school heartthrob, with good reason, and very quickly set to possibly be the most popular guy in school. and yet, here he was sitting and eating lunch with you and your friends.

it’s not that you weren’t well liked or anything, but you and your friend group were nowhere near the status of the omgs. and considering the way everyone talked about him from the moment he stepped into the building, you had assumed that would be the direction he would flock.

but alas, on his first day at this school, he ended up standing at your table, tray of food in hand. your friend nudged you until you looked up from your lunch and saw him standing there. up until this point you had only heard of marco. you hadn’t shared any classes with him earlier in the day but throughout all of them you could hear bits and pieces of conversation about how attractive this guy was. and now that he was standing in front of you, those comments didn’t do him enough justice.

he was wearing the same uniform everyone else was, but he had rolled his sleeves up so they just passed his elbows, drawing your attention almost immediately to his forearms. trailing your eyes up his body, your eyes followed along his broad shoulders and up the length of his neck, glancing at his strong jawline.

you made eye contact with him, your breath quite literally leaving your body. his brown eyes were kind and inviting, friendly even, as if you hadn’t just been shamelessly checking him out.

“um, hi.” you say.

he smiles at you, nods to the empty seat across from you. “hey, i was wondering if that seat was taken.”

oh god, his voice.

you try and ignore the pinch that quinn delivers to your thigh underneath the table and shake your head. “no. um, it’s all yours.”

he gives you a full smile now, his perfect teeth on full display and you can’t help but smile back. he takes a seat, setting his bag down beside him.

your friend grant sits at his right side and places a hand on his shoulder. “you’re marco, right?”

marco nods.

grant squints his eyes at him and shakes his head, looking across the table at you and quinn. “unbelievable.”

he turns back to marco. “do me a favor and stay away from my girlfriend.”

“grant!” the girlfriend in question, jen, exclaims and gives him a look before turning to marco. “excuse him, he’s an idiot.”

grant releases marco with a laugh and takes a bite of his sandwich. “i was kidding! mostly.” he mumbles the last word through a full mouth.

marco laughs, waving it off. “it’s okay. trust me, i’m not here to steal anyone’s girlfriend.”

you take a drink from your water bottle, laughing at your friends. “yeah, this may have not been the prime table for you to choose to sit at.”

marco shrugs, giving you a half smile. “i like it. you guys seem very...”

“loud?” quinn finishes as one of the boys down the table shrieks as someone else pours water down his shirt. “disruptive? unfiltered?” she aims that last word at grant, who’s too infatuated with his sandwich to notice.

marco laughs again and you smile. he seems very open, you note. willing to go with anything.

“i was gonna say entertaining.” he shrugs. “but those work too.”

you and your friends quickly introduce yourselves and the rest of the lunch period resumes like it always would have.

marco quickly slips into the natural system of you and your friends, not even a little bit fazed when the entire cafeteria turned to see the commotion that you had caused when someone flipped their entire lunch tray off the table. he simply laughed along with you guys, giving himself into the moment. too soon, lunch is over and you and your friends are cleaning up your table and throwing out the trash. faintly, you hear quinn arguing with the boys, telling them you were the ones to make the mess so of course you have to clean it up! as you came back to your table from returning your tray.

marco looks at you when you return and stands. “hey, could you tell me where mr. peterson’s room is? i would have asked one of them but...” the both of you turn your heads to where quinn is supervising the boys picking up after themselves and the girls sneak off as best as they can before quinn gets to them as well. “...they seem a bit busy.”

you laugh, picking up your backpack. “just another day with this bunch, trust me. but lucky for you, i also have ap physics next.”

the bell rings and you turn to quinn, but she hasn’t let up on the boys so you just let her be. being late on the first day isn’t that big of a deal anyway.

you lead marco to the physics room, all eyes on the two of you as soon as you step into the room. you almost forgot that you had spent the entirety of lunch with the school’s newest crush up until this very moment. you could feel the glares directed at you radiating throughout the room and watched as heads of those who hadn’t seen him yet perk up as he entered.

“is it just me, or is everyone looking at us?” marco had bent down and was whispering in your ear.

you decide not to inflate his ego anymore and shake your head. “it’s just you.”

you take a seat at one of the lab tables, marco sitting beside you. you zone out as the teacher speaks, it was the first day so it was mainly rules and the expectations for the year.

so you don’t pay much attention until one sentence catches your ear:

“the person you’re sitting with will be your lab partner for the rest of the year.”

you and marco turn to look at each other and he grins.

“hi, partner.” he says, quietly since mr. peterson is still speaking.

“you should know, i have been yelled at in every lab class i’ve ever taken because i always forget the directions.” you warn him.

“well this should be fun. so have i.” he winks and you both laugh quietly.

the period passes slowly as most do on the first day. the bell rings but everyone stays in their seats since lab was next anyway.

you go over lab rules and discuss the first lab you will be doing next time and you raise your brows as he hands out the instruction sheet.

“yikes, this looks like a lot of steps.” you say to marco and he shakes his head.

“mm, yeah. next lab class should be fun, don’t you think?” he gives you a knowing look.

you can’t help but laugh at the thought of you in a lab class together, but the laughter is also for the fact that you found marco.

never in your life had you met someone who was so ready to quickly adapt and go with the flow. you had had no doubt that your lunch table would be enough to scare him off but he had already decided he would be coming back tomorrow. and so, that became the beginning of your friendship and many screwed up labs. marco inserted himself nicely into your friend group and the two of you especially started becoming really close. that was, until one fateful day.

“...hot.” is the only thing you hear over the loudspeaker in the middle of your english class and everyone around you looks up in confusion. “he’s just a guy...woah!”

you quickly recognize the voice as elle evans and also realize that she probably doesn’t know she’s being broadcast to the entire school right now.

“the omgs were right, this guy is a snack!” you hear her say and everyone in your classroom laughs, the teacher’s eyebrows raised.

you wince on her behalf. you’re not friends, but still. that’s embarrassing for anyone. everyone gathers pretty quickly that’s she’s talking about marco and you internally roll your eyes. obviously you know marco’s hot, you have eyes. but to have another girl describe just how hot he is over the loudspeaker during class makes you bubble over with annoyance.

and besides, doesn’t she have a boyfriend?

eventually, her tirade stops and your teacher tries to calm the class down so you can get back to work. but even as you leave your class, everyone is still taking about it and elle has been given the new nickname get it girl.

“ah, there he is, our very own full course meal. or was he the dessert?” grant asks as marco sits at the table.

“no, grant. he’s a snack, remember?” quinn joins in.

“how about all of the above?” you say and the table erupts into laughter.

marco shakes his head. “alright, alright. enough jokes.”

you get a deadpanned look on your face. “oh, no. we’re dead serious marco. you’re just that hot.”

grant wraps an arm over his shoulders and starts making kissy faces at marco which he laughs at and shrugs off.

“seriously, though. where does elle get off saying that kind of shit? doesn’t she have a boyfriend?” jen asks.

“she does, indeed.” you point a fry in her direction before popping it into your mouth.

“huh,” marco says as he takes a sip of his water.

“what’s that’s supposed to mean?” you ask him.

“nothing.” he sets down his bottle. “i just didn’t know she had a boyfriend is all.”

you give him a wary look but decide to drop it for now, hoping that elle evans was behind you. and she was, until...

“you what?”

marco sighs, sinking his pool shot before standing up straight.

the two of you were at the arcade, making the most of your last day of the weekend. the arcade was mainly empty except for a mother and her two kids who turned to look at you when you shouted. you gave her an apologetic look before turning your attention back to marco.

“i felt bad. lee can’t do the competition and she really wants to enter. what was i supposed to say, no?” marco says in response.

apparently elle and lee were supposed to enter a dance dance mania competition together, but since lee sprained his ankle, elle needed a replacement partner.

you don’t say anything, simply watching as he misses his next shot.

he looks up at you when he realizes you aren’t going to respond. “why do you even care if i help her?”

you feel your face get warm but you ignore it as best as you could, setting up for your own shot. it was your first shot of the game considering you hadn’t realized he was apparently a pro at pool.

“i don’t! its just that we have a take home lab due in two weeks and i don’t want to be stuck doing it myself cause you’re off dancing with get it girl.”

you call her by her nickname solely to spite him. why did you care so much? who knows, but you enjoyed seeing marco roll his eyes at the mention of the name.

“you won’t. and hey, relax.” he says.

you shoot him a glare. “don’t tell me to relax when you’re abandoning me.”

he chuckles. “no, relax.” he nods to the pool cue in your hand which you have in a death grip.

“oh.” you didn’t realize you had been taking out your anger on the poor stick. you take a deep breath, relaxing your grip and line up your shot.

“here.” marco walks over to you, disappearing from your vision as he stands behind you.

you quietly take a sharp intake of breath as you feel his body behind yours, his hands coming around you to lightly rest on the cue, shifting it slightly.

“what are you doing?” you ask, quietly but make no move to exit his embrace.

“considering i’m three shots away from winning and you haven’t made a single one yet, i figured i could help you out a little.” he says and you can hear the smile in his voice.

“oh, shut up.” you mumble, but you don’t put any power behind your words.

marco adjusts your grip on the pool cue, lightly setting his hands over yours. his chest presses against your back and you can feel the heat radiating from his body to yours. your stomach clenches as his hand grazes yours ever so gently as he settles in. he leans forward a bit as he helps you line up your shot and you try your hardest to focus on the task at hand. but his lips are right by your ear so you feel his breath as he whispers:

“and shoot.”

you tap the ball with your pool cue, watching as your striped 10 ball rolls into the left corner pocket.

marco lifts his arms in victory and you found yourself saddened by the sudden loss of his body against yours.

“there it is!” he exclaims. “alright, next shot is all you.”

you groan playfully, trying to ignore the butterflies that have arisen in your stomach. you spend the rest of your day in the arcade before calling it quits and heading home to finish homework.

when you get home, you mull over what marco dancing with elle in the ddm competition means. you try to remind yourself that marco said things weren’t going to change now that he was helping out elle, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t going to turn out like he hoped.

and you were right.

ever since they started rehearsals, you have seen less and less of marco. he even eats lunch with her, leaving his spot across from you vacant. you saw him during ap physics but that was the only time you talked.

and as for your lab, guess who had spent the past two weeks working on it herself? everytime you called him to get him to work with you, it was always “sorry, elle and i have a practice” or “elle needs me right now.” it was as if your friendship meant nothing to him.

“alright guys, labs are due friday. i want them on my desk by the beginning of the lab period.” mr. peterson says at the end of lab on tuesday.

“oh shit, i totally forgot about that.” marco says, turning to you. “how’s—”

“it’s fine. i’m almost finished.” you cut him off, packing away your stuff without making eye contact.

“okay...” he says this with a twinge of confusion in his voice and you can feel the anger inside of you. “there’s nothing i can do?”

“i don’t know marco, why don’t you ask my dozens of phone calls and text messages i’ve sent you regarding the lab?” you lock eyes with him, angry now. “does i won’t let you do this lab alone ring a bell? or have you forgotten about that too?”

he sighs. “y/n, you know i’ve been busy. and i’m sorry. i really didn’t mean for you to do all of the work.”

your teacher clears his throat. “mr. peña, ms. y/l/n. don’t you have a class to get to?”

you look up with a smile. “yes, mr. peterson, sorry. have a good day.”

you leave the classroom without another look at marco.

and so the continuing weeks followed as such, marco spending all of his time with elle and the two of you only speaking when you had class together. there were times you tried to reach out, to be a peacemaker, but he always responded to your requests to hang out with sorry, i’m busy. next time?

to no one’s surprise, there was never a next time.

and as much as you were mad at marco for essentially ignoring your presence ever since he started dancing with elle, you couldn’t help but tune in to the competition since it was being streamed live.

“give me a second!” you call to your mom as you sit in front of your laptop and watch as elle and marco are called to the stage.

you sit through the performance, unable to help the proud feeling spreading through your body. you and marco may not have been as good of friends anymore, but you were still happy to see him thrive. even if it was a result of ignoring you for so long. your proud smile quickly drops from your face though, as you watch elle kiss marco. your eyebrows raise and you inhale a sharp intake of breath when she wraps and arm around him and pulls him closer.

you shut your laptop quickly, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. you press your hands against your eyes, refusing to let the tears fall. what would they be falling for? some guy that hadn’t shown interest in you and then abandoned you when you needed help? you were better than that.

so you left it alone. you didn’t know what was going on with elle and marco and it wasn’t any of your business. you had put it past you. you and marco were still friendly, but after the kiss with elle, he seemed even more distant than usual. and you couldn’t figure out why until the night of the fundraiser.

you were walking through the carnival, looking at different booths with jen when elle ran past us, accidentally bumping into you. she turned when she noticed it was you who she had run into and you notice her red rimmed eyes.

“oh my gosh, are you okay?” you may not have been her biggest fan, but you also weren’t a bitch. it was obvious she had been crying.

“i’m really sorry. just talk to him, okay? please.” was all she said before leaving the carnival.

“what was that about?” jen asks me.

“i’m not sure...” you say, looking after her retreating figure.

but it didn’t take long to figure out because as we walked further into the booths, we saw marco walking away from the kissing booth. with his head slightly bowed and his hands in his pockets, it was obvious he was upset about something.

you and liz exchanged a look and she raised her eyebrow at you, nodding over in his direction.

“well? go talk to him!” she shoved you forward a little bit.

you sighed, knowing that you should. you assumed that’s what elle had been talking about. so you approached him slowly, just as he reached the outside of the kissing booth crow.

“hey.”

he looked up when he heard your voice, an almost grateful look on his face, and gave you a small smile. “hey.”

“can we talk?” you asked him and he broke into a relieved smile.

“yeah, i’d like that.”

you followed him to the outskirts of the carnival where the two of you sat on a bench right outside the exit. you sat first, crossing your legs as you faced the opposite side of the bench and patted the space beside you.

marco chucked and sat down, turning to face you as well. he drummed his fingers on the back of the bench, and you noticed his knee was bouncing. he was nervous. because of this you thought you would have to guide him into conversation, but to your surprise he began with no hesitation.

“i know i owe you an apology. ditching you like that because of my stupid crush on elle was not cool, especially after promising i wouldn’t let you do all the work yourself.” you winced at that, hoping it wasn’t too visible. you had known that marco liked elle, obviously, but to hear him say it aloud still hurt. “i’m so sorry. and not only about the lab but about our friendship. you were the first people that was actually real to me when i came here and you were my best friend. i let elle get in the way of that and i feel terrible.”

he fidgeted a bit in his seat. “i know i haven’t acted like it but...i miss you. a lot. i miss our terrible labs and arcade days and having lunch with you. i miss all of it. and i know it’s my fault that none of that has been happening. i really just...want to be friends again.” he looked up at you with sad eyes and you could tell he meant it.

and as much as you appreciated his apology and his honesty, you couldn’t just let him off the hook. “you really hurt me, marco. i get it, okay? crushes can make you do crazy things, but i told you that she had a boyfriend. you knew that and you still decided that she was worth risking our friendship over. while you were off dancing with elle, i was losing my best friend.”

“i know. and i’m so sorry. you’re right, i should’ve backed off the minute you told me that. but i really thought...” his voice trailed off and he shook his head. “but it’s not. and that’s done okay? she’s made it pretty clear i’m not the one she wants. and i hate that it took this for us to finally talk again, but i really just want to get back to the way we were.”

you smiled. “i want that too. and of course i’m upset but i can’t say i wouldn’t have jumped at an opportunity to hang out with someone i liked as well.”

“so?” he looked hopeful.

you laughed and stood. “so...marco valentin peña, you are officially forgiven.”

he smiled and stood up as well, pulling you into a hug. wrapping your arms around his waist, you squeezed him tightly as he did the same to you. you stayed like that for a moment before heading back into the fair. and just like that, the two of you were good again.

over the next few weeks, you and marco started hanging out again, he returned to your lunch table, and of course the two of you screwed up more labs than you could count. and over those few weeks, marco was getting over elle and he couldn’t help but think about you. the way you said his name, how you grabbed onto him whenever you were excited about something, your kind heart, and he especially couldn’t stop thinking about when you hugged him.

due to his height, his whole body ended to engulf you hen the two of you hugged, but you loved it. and you were an affectionate hugger. he wished he was the only one who received your hugs became they always made him feel so comfortable and at home. and when you let go, there have been more than a few times when he would pull you back in saying just a little longer. and you would laugh and snuggle yourself further into his chest. and there was nothing better than that feeling.

he really liked you. and he couldn’t believe he had wasted all that time on someone already in a relationship when you were right in front of him. so one day when you were at his house studying for your upcoming physics test, he decided to short his shot. sitting beside you at the dining table, he put his notebook down and turned his attention to you.

“hey, so y/n.” he said, his voice shaking a bit.

“mm?” you said, not looking up from the flash cards you were making.

“i, uh–” he cleared his throat. “i had a question.”

“shoot.” you said, highlighting the important information in your notes that you would copy onto your flash cards.

“um, do you–i mean, would want to go out with me? like, on a date?”

you paused your highlighting and slowly turned to face him. “i thought your question was going to be about physics...”

marco let out a short laugh. “yeah, well.” he just shrugged. when you didn’t say anything else, he got nervous. “is that a no? did i just make this weird? i definitely did, didn’t i?”

now it was your turn to laugh. “no, no, it’s fine. um, i would like to go on a date with you, really.” his face lights up but then dims again at your next words. “i just–i just don’t want to be your rebound from elle.”

“i can promise you right now, that is far from what you are. elle is in the past, i promise. i really like you, and i’ve just been too much of an idiot to see it. but you are not a rebound, y/n.”

“really?” he nodded. “because i really like you, marco. like, a lot.” you laugh and so does he.

he reached across the table and took your hand in his. “well that’s good to know.”

you watched as your hands intertwined, his hand squeezing yours lightly and you smiled. you looked back up at him.

“so yes, i would love to go out with you.” you said with a grin.

“perfect.” he whispered, leaning in.

you smiled and turned your head at the last moment, so that his lips touched your cheek. you felt his lips curve into a smile against your skin and he kissed your cheek again.

“physics first.” you said when he pulled away. “we do still have a test you know.”

you slid your finished flash cards over to him and he bit his lip, shaking his head. he took them, glancing over at you again.

“since when are you all about the work?” he asked.

“since we’ve almost failed every single one of our labs and need a good grade on this test.” you said teasingly.

“touché.” marco said, tuning back to his work.

but as soon as that last definition was memorized, marco took you by the hand, leading you to the doorway from the kitchen to the living room where a mistletoe hung. the peñas had decorated the house for christmas together but you could guarantee that this one had been marco’s idea.

you could only smile as he cupped your face in his hands, leaning down to meet your lips. you stop on your tiptoes to meet him in the middle and when your lips touched you felt the butterflies burst in your stomach. this boy you’ve had a crush on liked you back and now you were kissing him under the mistletoe. the thought made you smile and marco noticed.

“what’s got you so smiley?” he murmurs against your lips.

“marco peña is kissing me.” you said in response and pressed another kiss to his lips. “what’s not to smile about?”

a/n: idk about y’all but the best friendships for me came out of science labs, they are so funny for some reason.

taglist: @devilishdior @write-from-the-heart @minnyvees @lover1307 @sonnyalice @caro1115 @psg-for-life @mansaaay @thebookwormlife

[hwangsbbg]

Just a kiss - Yangyang

Synopsis : Yangyang and reader are best friends and they end up going further than just kissing in an attempt to check their kissing skills

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"I'm not watching that movie another time" Yangyang complained as the two of you made your way to your house. It was a tradition for him to sleep over every Friday night and for you guys to do a movie marathon.

"But its a classic" You whined as you saw you were a couple steps away from reaching the front door.

"A classic we've watched literally a hundred times. Can't we watch one of my movies instead" He replied watching you open your front door.

"We can watch one of your movies, and one of mine. And if we can't get along on the last movie we can just play video games" You walked in your house, immediately making your way to your room.

"Are your parents not home?" He asked considering we'd always be greeted by them as soon as we entered the house.

"My dad travelled for work yesterday and my mom is visiting her parents. I told you this like ten minutes ago" You rolled your eyes.

"I forgot to listen" He grinned at you, following you into your room where both of you set your bags on the side of your room.

"Did you finish your homework for the weekend or are you gonna end up copying on me" He practically jumped next to you on the bed as he watched you remove your shoes, doing the same.

"I finished it during my free period this time" you replied, proudly, as you removed your cardigan, throwing it to the other side of the room.

"Wow! For once! You deserve an applause" He dramatically clapped for you. You rolled your eyes playfully.

"I'm gonna take a shower, you can go in after if you'd like" You walked towards the door that connected your room to your bathroom.

"Or I could always join you" He laughed making you laugh as well. You shook your head at him playfully before finally going in.

You finished rather quickly and when you were out you realized Yangyang was missing. You called his name while putting on a new pair of underwear and an oversized shirt he had actually given you.

"I'm coming! I'm grabbing some snacks" He replied from the kitchen as you set up the movie you wanted to watch on Netflix.

Yangyang walked in with a tray full of snack and grinned as soon as he saw the shirt you were wearing.

"You're wearing the shirt you stole from me" "You gave it to me" "Yeah after you wouldn't stop stealing it" He laughed, setting the tray on the table next to your bed and jumping in the bed next to you.

"Aren't you gonna take a shower" you questioned.

"Oh yeah" He remembered. You laughed as he stood up making his way to the bathroom. A few seconds later he walked out, shirtless.

"Can I use your shampoo" You definitely heard him, but your eyes were more focused on his bare upper body that was displayed before you and you couldn't think of anything else.

"Wh-What" "can I use the shampoo" he repeated his question, smirking at you.

"Y-Yeah of course" You finally managed to look up at him. He laughed at your reaction before walking back into the bathroom.

You laid down on the bed, quite embarrassed, making yourself comfortable as you scrolled through Instagram, waiting for him to come out and start the movie.

You were so focused on your phone however, you completely forgot about Yangyang who walked out of the bathroom and walked in on you laying down on your phone with half of your ass exposed by your shirt that had been lifted up.

He coughed a little trying to get your attention, and it worked, however you had no idea about your situation and you simply looked at him smiling.

The thoughts that crossed his head at that moment were far from innocent, certainly not the kind of thoughts you would have about your best friend.

When you turned your head, you noticed he was only wearing a new pair of pants but his abs were once again on full display and it was turning you on in ways you couldn't imagine.

You hadn't had sex ever since you broke up with your boyfriend last year and to say you were beyond sexually frustrated is an understatement. To add on to that you have an incredibly good looking man standing shitless in front of you. What would you expect.

Your eyes trailed up from his abs to his eyes to see he was staring at your ass and you quickly sat up, laughing nervously as he copied your actions, laughing as well.

"where's your shirt" You asked him as he took a seat next to you on the bed.

"I tried to put the AC on when you were showering and it isn't working, it's way too hot inside for the shirt I brought" He explained making you nod in understanding.

"I bet Talia would love to see you like this" You Spoke after a while, remembering the quirky girl who dared come up to you and tell you to back off of Yangyang.

"What do you mean" He looked genuinely confused which made the situation quite comic for you.

"You know Talia right?" "Which one" "The skinny brunette one with the green eyes" You explained and he instantly understood who he was.

"High heels Talia? The one who tried failing maths so I could tutor her" "Yeah! That one! She told me to back off her man because she thought we were dating"

"What did you say" He was almost dead laughing. "I told her I've done some things with her 'man' she couldn't even think of" You laughed seeing him become all read and remembering how she stormed off after hearing that.

"Why would you say it like that" He laughed even harder. "Because I was tired of her always thinking I'm 'stealing you away from her' and I mean we have done some pretty crazy things.. just not what she's probably thinking" you explained.

Yangyang shook his head at you playfully making you give him a suspicious look. You wouldn't dare believe it but you had to ask him.

"Why.. are you like into her" you didn't mean to make it sound so mean but it just came out that way.

"Why are you jealous" he teased you, laughing at your reaction. You frowned in response.

"Come on! You're the only girl in my life! You know that" He tackled you into a bear hug, holding you tightly before letting go. During those few seconds you managed to catch a strong whiff of your shampoo and body wash and you realized how he was shirtless and had to force your mind away from inappropriate thoughts.

"Ok but I also have a confession" He spoke up after a couple of seconds of silence. "What did you do" knowing Yangyang, he was capable of the craziest of things and him saying that scared you.

"I kinda did the same thing you did with him" Yangyang admitted, shocking you.

"What!? When? How? Where? Why?" you had so many questions. He gave a nervous laugh before explaining.

"So I was walking to my locker and he came over to me and asked if I had seen you. I told him yeah but I wasn't going to tell him where you were. Then he told me he just wants to explain himself"

You shook your head. He had cheated on you. What was there to explain. You stayed quiet however and let Yangyang continue his story.

"I told him there was nothing to explain and he said I had no business in this and asked me why I was even putting myself in you guys' business. So I told him I have my reasons. And he asked me if we were dating or fucking and that it had to be one of those" he paused.

"What did you say" you asked. You were aching to know the rest.

"I told him why not both and he got super pissed and left" Yangyang admitted making you burst out in laughter.

"You told him we were sleeping together and dating" You couldn't believe what you had just heard.

"Yeah. I mean I thought he would have realized I was lying considering you could sense my sexual frustration from miles away"

"Not at all Yangyang, if anything you give off playboy vibes" you replied making him blush a slight red color.

"No but seriously I mean with that smile and those abs, you have like half of the girls at school chasing after you" You didn't even realize your hand was on his thigh until you met his eyes and saw him looking at it.

"Sorry" You bashfully apologized. "It's okay" He breathed out.

"Anyways, why would you give off sexually frustrated vibes. Don't you like.. touch yourself"

Yes, it was quite an awkward conversation but you guys didn't mind talking about things like this and that was a great thing in your friendship.

"I mean yeah, but it's not the same thing as having sex" he replied as if it were something you should have known.

"But didn't you hook up with Violet at the party last week" "She tried to hook up with me but I didn't want to"

You were quite confused considering Violet was considered one of the hottest girls at school and he was sexually frustrated.

"So I haven't had sex in like five months" "I haven't had sex in like a year! I don't know why you're complaining" you rolled your eyes at him.

"That's cause you didn't want to. Every guy at school tried hooking up with you as well. Your ex boyfriend spread the rumor that you were a great kisser but even better in bed"

"Yeah I heard the rumor. It's not false so I didn't bother saying anything" you shrugged.

"So you're saying you're a great kisser" "Well I'm not denying it" "I bet your not as great of a kisser as I am" Yangyang teased you making you laugh.

"I could show you" You spoke jokingly but noticed the serious look on his face.

"I was joking" You made it clear before you saw him smirk and speak up.

"I bet you I'm a better kisser than you" he challenged you. Only he knew his true intentions and how competitive you could be.

"Bet on what Yangyang. Twenty bucks" You sparked up at he thought of the new challenge.

"Ok but if I win you have to grant my three wishes" he replied. You nodded, sure you weren't going to lose.

"But how do we test this, do I have to kiss one of the girls you kissed because they all suck to be honest" you spoke making him chuckle before replying.

"I mean it's just kissing we could just do it together and see for ourselves". You raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged.

You obviously wanted to kiss him, all betting aside, so it didn't take much for you to agree. As soon as you replied with a 'yes', he moved his hand to rest on the bed, at your side and leaned in to kiss you.

It was a really soft kiss and it made your head dizzy. You hadn't been kissed like this in so long. Your lips moved together softly before he pulled away.

"I don't think we can determine who's the better kisser from just that" you used that as an excuse to continue doing what you were doing previously.

Yangyang smirked, kissing you once again, this time more passionately. You changed position, both kneeling on the bed without breaking the kiss.You could feel his hands, one of the back of your neck and the other around your waist.

He licked the bottom of your lip, asking for entrance. You teased him, denying it to him, wondering what he would do next.

He completely surprised you when he let his hand trail from your waist to one of your ass cheeks and squeezed it making you yelp and allowing him to enter his tongue.

He grinned into the kiss as your two tongues danced together, Yangyang taking the lead and dominating over you. You didn't mind his dominance though, you found it hot. Hot to the point where you could feel your underwear slowly getting soaked.

You let your hands rest on his abs as the kiss continued on for a while longer before you pulled away.

"Wow, the rumors are soo true" He let out, quite out of breath making you giggle.

"I didn't even show you half of what I know" You smirked, proudly, as you saw him bite his lip. He definitely wanted you as much as you wanted him.

"Can you show me more in that case" He asked. You smirked.

"Only if you admit I won the bet" "Who the fuck cares about the bet at this point" He replied. You couldn't agree more. Things were definitely not going to be the same after tonight.

You pushed him back so he was sitting on the bed before climbing up onto him, straddling him. Without wasting any time, you reattached your lips to his, instantly inserting your tongue in his mouth and letting it be guided by his tongue.

After a few seconds you pulled away, stared at him and reattached your lips to him, only this time to his neck. He let out a clearly involuntary moan as you sucked all over his neck and softly grinded on him.

You could clearly feel his member growing in his pants, right under you ass. You felt bad for the poor thing that wanted to break free from the clothes he was locked in. He grabbed your ass with both hands and began rubbing on it making you curse in pleasure.

You looked up to see Yangyang biting in his lip hard as you continued sucking on his neck. You moved your ass a little to grind into him again, making the both of you moan out of pleasure.

You made your way back to his mouth, reattaching your lips as you felt his hands trail under your shirt. You felt him smirk into the kiss as he discovered you weren't wearing a bra.

"Were you expecting this" He pulled away, biting his lip. "No, I just don't see the point in wearing a bra in my own house. Don't feel too special" You giggled, reconnecting your lips.

He let his hands play with your breasts under your shirts, squeezing on them before taking both nipples and squeezing those too.

You let out a rather loud moan, not really caring considering nobody else was home at this time.

He pulled away, tugging at your shirt and within a few seconds it was on the other side of the room. You watched him lick his lips before flipping you over so that you were laying in the bed with him on top of you.

"Fuck.. you're fucking hot" he praised you, attaching his lips to your neck this time as he grinded his erected member right on your core that was only covered by your panties.

"Fuckkk" you both moaned as he continued kissing all over your neck and collarbone before he began moving down, grabbing one of your nipples with his hand and taking the other in his mouth.

He sucked and licked around you, enjoying the sounds of your moans before moving to the next one. He reveled in the fact that he was the one making you feel this way as he continued kissing your lower stomach all the way to your panties.

"You might be the better kisser but you've never seen what I can do with my mouth" He smirked as he pulled away.

You looked at him in shock. Was he seriously talking about what you were thinking.

"Please show me" You weren't going to bother lying, you were desperate to see what he could do with his mouth beside speak a ton of language and say the weirdest shit.

"You don't even have to ask" he kissed between your thighs making you shiver in excitement as he neared closer and closer to you.

He reached towards the waistbands of your panties, using only a few fingers to pull them off and toss them next to him.

"Holy fuck" He groaned, wasting no in attaching his mouth to your core. He first kissed it, sending an intense feeling all through your body before he licked between your folds.

"Oh fuckkk Yangyang" you moaned as he continued licking up and down before he thrust his tongue in your hole making your knees buckle in pleasure.

He reached up and began rubbing on your clit as he continued thrusting in and out with his tongue. Your loud moans only further encouraging him.

You felt heat pool up in your stomach as he used his other hand to play with one of your nipples.

"Ah.. fuck.. I think I'm gonna come" you let out in short breaths and he sped up his actions. He removed his hand that was rubbing on your clit but it didn't matter as he went deeper with his tongue making his nose rub against your clit.

You reached your first orgasm and it was nothing less than pure bliss and your entire body shook.

You watched him smirk in satisfaction, admiring your naked body and replaying the orgasm he caused in his head.

"Can you take anymore babe" You don't know where the nickname came from nor did you care. It sounded so fucking hot and you felt so desperate for him. And you knew how he felt too.

He stood up, giving you he perfect few of his member that was clearly very hard inside his sweatpants.

You licked your lips, making your way over to him and helping him remove his sweatpants along with his boxers, finally freeing his hard on from the prison it was stuck in.

You stared at his impressive size before slowly grabbing hold of it. He let out a small groan at the feeling as you began to pump on it.

"I would return the favor but I really want you inside of me right now" You loved hearing his moans but you couldn't wait any longer.

"Fuck- if you keep saying things like that I won't be able to control myself" "I don't want you to" you replied making him chuckle in response.

"Shit- I don't have a condom" he groaned in frustration before you spoke up, announcing you had one.

"For surprises like this" you spoke once again after seeing the eyebrow raise he gave you. He opened your bedside drawer and was surprised to see all the different types of condoms you had stored in there.

"You just keep them in here knowing your parents could see them" he looked at you in confusion.

"My dad never comes into my room and my mom gave me these" You watched as he scanned over the different sizes before picking up a large one. Seeing his size, it didn't surprise you.

He ripped it open using his teeth and easily rolled it on before positioning himself at your entrance. You moaned, feeling only the tip enter you as your whole body was once again overwhelmed with pleasure.

"Fuck babygirl" he unconsciously let the pet name slip as he grabbed on to your waist, pushing further inside of you until he was fully in.

"Fuck Yangyang" you moaned loudly as he began moving slowly inside of you before he started picking up his pace.

"F-faster.. please" you managed to let out as he went even faster than before and your moans became more high pitched and frequent. You were already nearing your orgasm.

Your hands went to his back, before the rested in his shoulders and he hit your gspot with each and every thrust.

"Ugh.. I'm close babygirl" you could feel him twitching inside of you as your walls clenched around him and, like he had announced, he came.

He continued thrusting though until the pool of heat in your stomach spread to your entire body as you also released for the second time.

He rolled over, laying on the other side of the bed as he tried regaining his breath while you did the same.

"I can't believe that just happened" You would have never guessed your weekly sleepover would turn into probably the best sex you'd ever experienced.

"I'm so happy it did" he replied, finally free of the sexual frustration that was bothering him.

"I mean it was only a matter a time considering the way you stared at my abs earlier" He teased you making you laugh.

"It wasn't as bad as how you were staring at my ass" you replied, returning the favor.

"You got me on that one. Remember the favor you owe me" he reminded you of the amazing job he had done to you with his mouth.

"How can I forget. Remember the three wishes you have to grant me" you also reminded him of the bet he lost.

"I just made all your wishes come true but if you need me to show you again I will" He replied cheekily, making you giggle.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 20)

PART TWENTY! I've written thousands and thousands of words about this particular character's love. That's really crazy. And you guys read thousands and thousands of words! And we're not even done yet!

We will talk about the second half of this "gap arc", including one of my favorite chapters, and then the school will turn upside down, as we will see in the next part.

Chapter Ninety-Three

Mikan was so exhausted saving Narumi from Persona’s alice that she ended up hospitalized. Nobody else seems to know much of what really happened except Natsume, who spends so much time in the hospital these days that it would have been more surprising if he didn’t know she was there too.

Besides, Natsume knows so much about Mikan. He knows about her mom and that the ESP is interested in Mikan possibly possessing the stealing alice. He knows that she’s in danger. He’s vigilant, as I’ve said, and this vigilance means absorbing all possible information. He overhears Narumi warning Mikan to keep her new alice a secret, and Natsume gets confirmation that Mikan does indeed have the stealing alice, that Narumi knows and wants to protect Mikan too, and that this information could possibly get to the ESP if they’re not careful.

Dead man walking. Or rather... dead boy walking.

He walks away from her room, unseen, coughing. He walks down a hall of doctors and patients and nurses and he doesn’t stand out at all. Natsume’s presence in the hospital is so normal that nobody bats an eye anymore. Kaname is hospitalized for long stretches of time, as we shall continue to see, but Natsume merely goes to the hospital for limited periods of bed rest and for getting huge bags of medicine to take before bed so he doesn’t accidentally pass away in his sleep. Natsume might be in just as much need as Kaname for long periods of hospitalization, but he can’t for two reasons.

One, the school absolutely does not want that. They want their favorite child soldier to be always at the ready. He can’t be at their beck and call at all times if he’s cooped up in a hospital bed. He needs to be where they can grab him easily, and pumping him full of medicine and pretending that’s enough for him is the most they will do.

Two, Natsume absolutely does not want that. Mikan is in more danger than ever, and being sequestered in a hospital without seeing anyone leaves her alone and unprotected. How is he supposed to spy on the ESP and Persona for information on Mikan if he’s hospitalized? He needs to be free as a bird, just like they want him to be, so that he can be at Mikan’s beck and call. At the slightest threat, he will be there for her.

Later, when Bear follows Mikan around while Kaname is sicker than ever, Koko can discern that Bear wants Mikan to steal Kaname’s alice from inside of him. Many people are onlooking, and Natsume has a shocked expression, not because he didn’t know that Mikan has the stealing alice, but because he’s concerned for what consequences may come if more people find out. If the ESP comes to hear any of this, serious issues will arise. Things are already dangerous enough, but if the ESP finds out, then turmoil will come sooner than later.

This is an "Oh, shit" moment! How terrible.

Things get worse when the rumors about Mikan’s alice spread through the upper divisions. Mikan gets chased by upperclassmen who want her to steal their alices because they think their star rank will go up if they can catch her in the act. The ESP seems to have purposefully spread such a rumor in order to speed things along. He wants to push Mikan into a corner, perhaps force her into using her alice and exposing herself, so that he has an excuse to swoop in and take her into his custody.

We see a panel of Natsume hearing the news of the middle schoolers’ pursuit of Mikan and he’s just as shocked as before. Her life is endlessly hectic in the worst way. She is always under attack from rumors and speculation and being honest about her alice will only end poorly for her. This is the last glimpse we get of him this chapter, but his reactions, despite the fact that he says nothing this whole time, is enough to give hints to where his mind is right now. His priorities and concerns are all made clear, building up to when he will eventually be quite needed.

Chapter Ninety-Four

Class B is getting ready for swimming lessons in P.E. Most of the class, especially Mikan, are excited for this.

There’s not much Natsume in this chapter either, but we can see him on the poolside, obviously not well enough to swim. Swimming is one of the most physically taxing exercises because of how much it requires you to use your full body. Natsume can’t waste what little energy he has on P.E. when he has missions to do. Those are much more important.

Mikan may get occasionally down or sad about her alice and the uncomfortable state of things, but Ruka is there to cheer her up and play water polo with her. Natsume simply looks on.

Tsubasa spots him, and instantly looks troubled. He and Natsume are not just both in the DA class now, they’re also going on many of the same missions. He’s also the only one who knows the truth about Natsume’s alice shape, and how much the taxing missions affect his body. Seeing Natsume sit on the side and not join in with the others is not a good sign. He’s not doing well.

Fun and games are over! It was never gonna last long anyway!

The panel of everyone having fun while Natsume coughs by himself, isolated from everyone, brings to mind the page from Chapter Nine, so long ago. The last page of that chapter has Natsume being sent on a mission, in stark contrast to the final panel of the rest of the class having fun and bonding over dodgeball.

He could never join in for long was the message we got then, and it’s not any less true now. Natsume let himself get attached to Class B and to Mikan in particular but his fun happy times of joining in on the fun were never meant to last. He can’t play the sax anymore. He can’t run around with the rest of them. Luna was a warning to him as much as she was to Mikan. His time is running out and his life will always be too different from the rest of theirs. He will always be shrouded in darkness and an imminent death. They can take occasional breaks from the stress and worry of their lives, but he can’t. Not anymore. Not in any real way. Not without it taking a serious toll on his body.

The last page features two groups of best friends: Natsume and Ruka looking out the window at Hotaru and Mikan as they walk through the rain.

Bad things are going to happen. And that right soon.

There’s a feeling of foreboding in this arc. The last page carries some threat with it while also trying to stay on the side of hope. One should not take things for granted is the main take-away, a harsh lesson for these kids to learn, especially in this way.

These few chapters between the Sports Fest and the next arc are almost similar to the gap chapters between the Hana Hime den chapters and the Sports Fest. They are a much needed respite from the heavy chapters before and after. The difference is that these gap chapters are heavier and there’s a threat looming over Mikan and the others in each one. The happiness and lightness of the Valentine’s day chapter are not present, even in this sweet chapter about swimming. Everyone is unsettled and disturbed, aware that something horrible is to come.

Chapter Ninety-Five

And nothing good ever lasts, as this chapter reveals. The tension that has been building for so long is starting to reach a boiling point.

A lot will happen here. Hotaru gets called to the headquarters. Yuka returns to the Alice Academy campus to find Mikan. Tsubasa goes missing.

God, could they stop sending children to get blown up for FIVE MINUTES?!

Natsume and Tsubasa are separated during a nondescript mission. A warehouse explodes and Natsume screams out for Tsubasa, not knowing where he’s disappeared to, or if he’s even still alive.

Tsubasa is missing, his location unknown. Natsume has returned to campus from the mission, but he hasn’t been seen by anybody yet either. He’s busy trying to locate Tsubasa, trying to find information.

Natsume goes on missions all the time. He goes with other DA types and is frequently in life or death situations with them. That being said, he hates most of his classmates, Youichi being one exception. But Tsubasa is different. They have an unspoken respect for each other, and might even be considered friends. They spent a lot of time in the DA class on missions that we haven’t seen in the manga and their work to find--or rather not find--Yuka and protect Mikan has probably brought them closer.

Natsume wants to find Tsubasa because he’s so important to Mikan, because she loves him like a big brother and losing him would break her. He wants to find Tsubasa because Tsubasa is his friend too. If something happened to him on a mission they went on together, then it’s his responsibility to bring him back, and he might even feel guilty for his disappearance as well. Knowing what we do about Natsume’s self-esteem, martyr complex, and tendency to blame himself for everything, he is probably not taking this very well.

It’s exciting and nerve-wracking to see so many people involved in this chapter, but seeing as everything’s coming to a head, many of the characters narratively have to be involved.

Nobara, who discovers that Narumi plans to run away with Mikan to keep her safe from what’s to come, is soon after made aware that she will be blessed with a friend in the DA class: Mikan. Nobara and Natsume do not get along, but so far she’s been diligent in communicating with him about information she discovers that he would not otherwise find out. There’s no way she wouldn’t try to reach out to him, which explains why he knows about it.

Natsume has been mainly absent from the chapter, and from school as well. Nobody has seen him, because he’s too busy trying to find Tsubasa. But it’s nighttime now and everyone is going to sleep. The rumors about Tsubasa’s disappearance are all around the school and he knows that Mikan knows by now. And she’s all alone.

So he takes a break from all the work he has to do to go and comfort her. He cannot leave her alone, even if he originally planned on it.

He appears in her window and she rushes to him. She asks him questions, about where he’s been and all those wounds on his body, but he didn’t come here to talk about what happened to him. He’s here for her. He confesses that he hadn’t wanted to see anyone until he’d found Tsubasa safe and sound, but he had to see her, fearing that she was crying on her own.

They're both sad. They're each other's comfort.

Natsume knows Mikan, that she frequently acts fine even if she’s suffering. Her resilience and determination are great traits, and it’s easy to get lost in the illusion that she should always be bubbly and optimistic and smiling, but even a girl like Mikan needs to let it out sometimes. Finding out that someone you love is missing is not easy, and smiling in the face of that is not something that even Mikan can do all the time. She needs comfort, and Natsume wants to be there for her.

He’s wanted this the whole time, deep down, to be someone she could rely on, someone who could comfort her, and now he’s the only one who can. All the things he’s wanted to do for her this whole time: to comfort her, to tell her it’ll be okay, to hug her. He does it all because after all they’ve been together, she knows now that he’s someone she can rely on.

She’s crying, and she admits that she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to, because she has to cry in Natsume’s place.

Natsume came to comfort her, yes, but he’s been through a lot too. He also cares about Tsubasa and has been suffering on his own for even longer. He also needs comfort, and because he won’t let himself cry, she’ll do it for him. Mikan can see that he can’t afford to not be perfectly composed all the time. She’s thinking of him, too, and it must be nice to be seen so clearly by somebody he loves.

She knows that he's close to Tsubasa too, even if he won't admit it. THEY'RE EACH OTHER'S COMFORT.

He tells her he will find Tsubasa, and “about her too”, which means he’s letting her know he’s taking care of her. He will keep an eye out and try to keep her safe. He’s hinting that he knows about her other alice, and that he’s on top of it. He has to go now, but his farewell--his promise--is his final way of comforting her for the night. She doesn’t need to worry too much about Tsubasa or what will happen with the school, because he will fix it all. He will protect her.

Conclusion

There's something looming over the kids at the academy. Something really bad is going to happen, and everyone seems somewhat aware at this point. Natsume is at the ready for the slightest threat to Mikan, and he will finally be able to spring into action in the next edition of this already-too-long essay.

So... This is the twentieth part. If I'm to guess, I'd say there's not going to be another ten parts to make it to thirty, but I might be wrong, depending on how long my analysis gets in the last parts of the manga. As I post this, I'm about fifty chapters ahead (which sounds impressive but actually isn't considering the Time Travel Arc has groups of entire chapters that I had to skip). Maybe it'll get to something like twenty-eight but I'm not sure about thirty. We'll see. Once upon a time I thought it'd be forty, even! No, not Natsume's. Mikan's, maybe, but not Natsume's.

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[writinganothertime]

We Get Through This Together

pairing: albert x elmer

warnings: panic attack, self harm, blood, unexpected death (of someone who’s hardly a character)

story: ... it’s a panic attack

time period: modern au

word count: 2,643

a/n: every time there’s a dotted line the point of view changes

Elmer sat back against the headboard of his bed. He had been out all day. Race, Albert, and Romeo had thought it would be fun to try to go to as many of their favourite places as they could. So they’d been all over town. He was exhausted and just wanted to sit down. He knew he should get some supper ready for himself but granted himself some moments of relaxation. Albert was coming over right away too. Just to hang out for the evening. Elmer loved anytime spent with his boyfriend and was looking forward to it but supper could wait for a few minutes. He pulled up Instagram and scrolled through it. He liked a couple photos without really thinking about it. He realized that one of his old friends had posted so he took a better look at it. He mumbled to himself as his brain tried fit the pieces together.

“That’s Tyson isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah. Shoot. Shoooooot.”

The caption slowly wormed itself into his head. Tyson had died. It was an underlying health issue. Him and his family had always known about it but they hadn’t expected it to kill him. Elmer didn’t even register the fact that his breathing had picked up until it was too late. He started scratching his arm absently, still scrolling through the posts with his other hand. He went up to the stories, seeing all the tributes to his childhood friend. His vision blurred and he dropped his phone.

“No no no no no,” he whispered.

“Not now not now.”

But the panic had started and he didn’t know how to stop it. There were so many words in his brain, what were they? Why didn’t he know? Did his chest feel tight? Why wasn’t he breathing? He choked out a breath and suddenly noticed he was crying. He couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe. He scratched his arm harder as if the sensation would fill his lungs with air. He curled in on himself, the contact between his hand and arm never breaking. He pressed himself into a ball, so tense it was almost painful. Why was it so loud? Was something playing in the background? He couldn’t remember. Tears were rushing down his cheeks as he tried to suck in breath after breath. He was dying. He knew it. Albert was going to find him lifeless. Why did it have to be like this? Another sob left him painfully. He tried to curl himself tighter if that was possible. He couldn’t feel anything. Was he on his bed? Elmer had no idea. He couldn’t even remember the city he was in. And so many words were flying through his mind. He was crying so hard but hardly even realized it.

He was so far in his head.

——————————————————————————

Albert entered the apartment. He did have a key, but the door was unlocked and Elmer had told him he was always welcome. Elmer had probably left the door unlocked because he knew Albert would be over right away. Albert took in the room in a quick glance. The kitchen and living room looked completely empty, Elmer wouldn’t have cleaned up from supper that quickly right? It felt suspicious. (Those thoughts ran through his mind in a split second btw because our brains think things SO QUICKLY) He heard the crying almost immediately. He wondered briefly if he had ever seen Elmer cry before. Probably, but no exact instance was coming to mind right now, not important he reminded himself. He hesitated only a moment before moving in the direction of Elmer’s bedroom. He paused in the doorway trying to process the scene in front of him. Elmer looked broken. As soon as the thought crossed his mind he regretted it and wished he could erase a thought. His brain felt fuzzed out and he wasn’t sure what to do. He stepped forward.

“Elmer?” He said it quietly, afraid of startling him. Elmer did not respond so he tried again.

“Ellie?” He said slightly louder than usual.

Elmer was making horrible, frantic sounds. His sobs were coming out way too quickly and each breath seemed to only go in halfway before it was forced out again. He scratching vigorously at one arm and Albert realized he was bleeding. Once Albert realized Elmer was hurting himself he lunged forward, attempting to pry his arms apart. That was not a good move. Elmer actually stopped breathing for a few seconds.

——————————————————————————

His thoughts were still too fast and he couldn’t make sense of anything. Feeling something on his arms somehow raised the level. Now he literally couldn’t breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could and glued his arms together across his knees. His nails were digging into his skin but he couldn’t tell how hard and he was so desperately wanting a grip on reality. The buzzing was SO LOUD where did it come from? He wondered if Albert was there. Was someone talking? Maybe he was already dead. Who knows.

——————————————————————————

Albert didn’t know what to do. He was smart enough to understand he shouldn’t touch Elmer right now. The crying stopped for almost 30 seconds and Albert realized his boyfriend wasn’t breathing.

“Elmer!” He said it close to his ear, hoping to get though to him.

Elmer sucked in a breath and started those horrible, heart breaking sobs again. But he was breathing, even if it was very uneven. Maybe he could hear Albert. Albert decided to keep talking. He sat down near Elmer careful not to brush against him.

“I’m right here baby. You’re going to be ok, you know that? You need to breathe for me ok?” He paused, and muttered to himself, “breathing exercises?” He thought for a second and tried to think of what would be good numbers.

“We’ll start easy ok? I know it hard, um, can you breathe in for four? I’ll count, one, two, three, four.” He knew Elmer had not done that at all but he wasn’t going to give up that easily. He continued counting up and down from four watching the dark haired boy closely to see if he was following.

——————————————————————————

Elmer had no idea how much time had passed. Was he even still alive? Was it the same day? Maybe this was a dream. His thoughts were getting slightly more coherent. He could tell he was thinking now. Not all the words were registering but he could tell he was thinking. That probably meant he was still alive. The buzzing sound in his ears hadn’t quieted at all but he could hear something in the midst of it, trying to break through. He tried to focus on it. He couldn’t remember if he had the tv on or not, was he even in the living room? Maybe his phone was ringing, no that wasn’t it. A voice? No it was music, no wait. It was definitely a voice. Think Elmer think! he chided himself. The voice was counting. Maybe. It was hard to make out. And he recognized it. But who? He suddenly felt very choked up and gulped in a breath, he’d been forgetting to breathe. His body couldn’t handle him trying to figure out and focus on multiple things at once. Oh they were counting. Numbers numbers. Oh only to four. Ok ok ok. He counted to four in his head though he didn’t know why. He heard them say “three” after four and got confused.

——————————————————————————

“Wait!” Elmer choked out in a sob. That was only thing Albert had heard him say since he had gotten there almost ten minutes ago.

“Elmer? Ellie? Can you hear me now?”

Elmer made no indication that he had heard. The cries coming from him were more regular now. Not all staggered and painful sounding. That was a step in the right direction. But he was still scratching himself. He was really bleeding now and had blood all over his hand, other arm, and pants. Albert was afraid to touch him again, not wanting to set him back.

“It’s alright baby, I’ve got you, I’ve got you. Let’s keep going ‘kay?” Albert began counting again hoping with all his might that his boyfriend was hearing him.

——————————————————————————

“Breathe in for four seconds yeah?” This was the first full sentence Elmer understood in what felt like forever. He tried to nod but he was still curled into a ball. Where were his lungs? Breathe Elmer come on. He tried to breathe in for four seconds but it didn’t work. It took a couple of failed attempts but he finally managed to breathe in for four seconds. The voice was also counting backwards. Ok ok. He probably had to breathe out for those counts too. Elmer tried so hard to focus. His crying kept interrupting his breathing but he was trying. The buzzing quieted slightly. The voice was clear. Oh. Oh. It was Albert. He was here. Elmer’s brain couldn’t decide if that was better or worse; better because he was helping or worse because he was seeing him like this. His brain overloaded and he stopped breathing again.

“Elmer,” he heard, “you’re doing so good, come on, I’m here. I’m gonna count again. Let’s try seven seconds both ways?”

Slowly his thinking returned and he tried to do what Albert was saying.

——————————————————————————

Elmer was still curled tight. Albert couldn’t see his face. But his crying, oh, it had almost completely stopped. Elmer was breathing with him now only interrupted occasionally with shaky breaths or cried. As one does when the body tries to calm itself.

“You’re doing so good baby, I’m so proud of you. We’ll clean you up when you’re ready. Let’s keep going for now.”

——————————————————————————

Things were a lot clearer in Elmer’s mind now. He was VERY aware of everything he was thinking and what was going on around him. The input was almost too much again. He tried to tune out all the data he was getting and focus on Albert’s voice again. He decided he was glad his boyfriend was here. If he hadn’t come, maybe he wouldn’t have ever stopped panicking. He could feel his head pressed against his knees. He realized his arm was in a LOT of pain and it was warm and sticky ‘oh my gosh I’m bleeding’ he thought.

“Hey Elmer, I love you and I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so much better. Can I touch you now?” The thought of Albert touching him scared him even though he wanted it at the same time. He shook his head quickly before he could change his mind.

“Ok, that’s fine,” Albert started to settle back to lean against the headboard then sat up again. “Ellie, you’re actually, uh, not to alarm you, but you’re bleeding kind of a lot. Is it ok if I put a towel on your arm? I’ll try not to touch you too much.”

It was probably a good idea. His arm stung and he was just making it worse. He nodded slowly. Albert disappeared and came back a minute later.

“Ok, I got a cloth, I want to wipe your arm, I got a towel and a glove. I want to put it on the hand that was doing the scratching.” Elmer slowly separated his arms. It hurt. Everything hurt. He’d been so tense for so long. Albert gently wiped the cloth over Elmer’s forearm, trying to not touch his skin with his fingers, just the cloth.

“Actually can you put on the glove, maybe you don’t want me doing it.”

Elmer raised his head slightly. Everything was blurry and felt sort of sideways. He took the glove Albert held out for him and put it on. He leaned his forehead down on his knees again but didn’t press himself tightly together. He was in a looser ball now. Albert wrapped the towel around his bleeding arm then sat back. Unconsciously Elmer started rocking back and forth.

——————————————————————————

Albert felt Elmer moving beside him and glanced at him. He watched him rock back and forth for a couple seconds, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. He was so glad Elmer was feeling better and was (he hoped) comforting himself by rocking. Albert stared straight ahead. He felt weirdly tired despite the fact that he had just sat there. He turned his head to watch the dark haired boy again. Elmer raised his head slightly and turned it to look at Albert. His eyes were red and puffy. He had tear steaks down his cheeks and Albert realized he should’ve offered to wipe his face too.

“Hey baby,” Albert said softly. Elmer didn’t reply, just kept rocking.

“You’re gonna be ok, you’re safe you know that?” The red head reminded him.

El nodded slightly.

“I’m here and I’m not going to leave.” A pause. “It didn’t look like you’d had anything to eat, should I make something? Soup maybe?”

Elmer shook his head. Albert didn’t mind. He knew Elmer was not doing well and Albert had already had supper before coming over.

——————————————————————————

They were silent for awhile, only broken by Elmer’s occasional sniffles. Eventually Albert got up.

“I’m just going to go get some water,” he raised his hand as if he was going to pat El on his head or shoulder, then thought better of it and walked away. He came back with a glass of water and a water bottle. He handed the water bottle to his boyfriend.

“Have some water.”

Albert sat back down, drinking half of his cup before setting it aside and getting under the covers.

Awhile later Elmer was feeling much better. He just wanted to lay down but he’d been in his little ball for so long he didn’t know if he could. Slowly he tried to relax and stretch out. He tried to say something but his voice wasn’t there. He turned to look at Albert who was watching him. Albert sat up again.

“I’ll be right back.” He came back (again) with a cloth.

“Is it ok if I wipe your face?”

Elmer nodded. He really wanted his boyfriend to touch him now but didn’t want or know how to ask for it. Al held Elmer’s chin lightly as he cleaned off his face. When he was done he tossed the cloth into the laundry hamper and got back into bed.

“You wanna cuddle?” He asked with a smile.

Elmer nodded before slowly and carefully sliding underneath the blanket. He fitted himself against Albert, his head on the red head’s chest. Albert lightly raked his fingers though Elmer’s hair.

“How are you feeling now?” He murmured.

“Sore,” El whispered back. His voice was gone but he could still whisper.

“Understandable, you should try and stretch out.”

Elmer was still mostly in a ball, he was just laying on his side now. He stretched his legs out wincing with the change of position. Albert reached down to rub his thigh.

“There ya go, I know it’s uncomfortable at the moment but this should feel better.”

Elmer nodded shifting to lay more comfortably against his boyfriend.

Albert brought his hand up to Elmer’s upper arm, rubbing gently.

“We’ll have a good day tomorrow. I’ll make pancakes or something, that sound good?”

Elmer was very drowsy, he wasn’t sure if he had nodded in response or not. The sound of Albert speaking quietly, the soothing rubbing on his arm, knowing his boyfriend was there and he was completely safe, all those things combined made him very sleepy. And that all his energy had been used up in the panic attack.

“I love you Ellie.”

Elmer didn’t have the strength to reply but he put his arm over Albert and attempted to hug him.

“Go to sleep,” Al whispered, “I’ve got you.”

[stephobrien]

Baby Pictures: How Endgame Should Have Ended (A canon-compatible fix fic)

This post and the fanfic within it contain MASSIVE spoilers for Avengers: Endgame, so if you’re avoiding those, please bookmark this post and come back after you’ve seen the movie. 

I've been thinking about Endgame a lot over the past few days - in particular, I've been stewing over the fact that if Bruce Banner is as smart as I am (and he’s supposed to be SMARTER), it’s COMPLETELY canon-compatible for Tony and Natasha to come back.

So if you, like me, are still periodically crying over either or both of their deaths, I just wanna say...

...and I won’t even have to put a scratch on canon’s shiny, sadistic surface to do it.

Sadly, I can’t make either of them come back for future movies, but at least I can give you an imaginary world where Bruce does what he SHOULD have done in Endgame.

So without further ado, I give you:

Baby Pictures: How Endgame Should Have Ended

It wasn’t like Bruce to miss a funeral. Not if he could help it.

Especially not if the dearly departed were two of his closest friends.

And yet, as Tony’s memorial bobbed down the river, and Clint and Steve stepped forth with bouquets in memory of Natasha, the hulking scientist who’d loved them both was nowhere to be seen.

No one knew where he was. Most were too preoccupied to ask.

But Hope van Dyne was starting to suspect. She saw the look in her father’s eyes, and she alone knew his face well enough to detect the faint smile that was fighting to pierce his somber facade.

He knew something. Yesterday, when he vanished into his laboratory for several hours, he’d been doing something.

But when she caught his eye, the shake of his head was as eloquent as it was subtle. Not yet, Hope. You’ll find out soon.

-*-*-

Mournful music played softly in the background, channeled through wireless speakers connected to the laptop Tony had given Morgan for her fifth birthday.

Pepper had had to enable the device’s wireless network access; they’d deliberately disconnected it for the sake of its vulnerable user, and she’d have to do so again afterward. But Morgan had insisted that Daddy’s last present to her be part of his funeral, and Pepper wasn’t about to deny her.

The child’s lip was trembling now, her big eyes wet with a grief she was far too young to bear. Behind her, Happy’s hoarse voice whispered in a tone he probably thought she couldn’t hear, “It should’ve been me. I was his bodyguard; it should’ve been me.”

It couldn’t have been; the magic-wielding doctor who’d approached her and Tony on that fateful day five years ago had told her so after her husband’s death. He’d scoured every possibility, and only this one led to victory.

She’d wanted to scream at him, to tell him there HAD to be another way. But this was the man who’d bought them these precious last five years, who’d given away the Time Stone to save Tony’s life, because he knew that the man she loved was the key.

She had no right to be angry at him for not giving them more.

Though a burning, vice-tight throat, she’d told him not to blame himself. His answering “I know I shouldn’t” rang almost sincere, but his eyes had been heavy with the unspoken words: “but part of me still does.”

The music hit its mournful climax, ripping the breath from her aching chest, and for the sake of the child in her arms, she struggled to hold back a sob. Keep it together, Pepper, she silently demanded. Be strong for the daughter he left behind.

“ALL YOU WOMEN WHO WANT A MAN OF THE STREET!”

The sudden scream sent a jolt thundering through her body, and she and Happy instinctively leaned forward, closing protectively around Morgan as the startling music kept howling:

“BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY YOU WANT TO TURN

“JUST KEEP A COMING AND PUT YOUR HAND OUT TO ME

“'CAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA MAKE YOU BURN!”

The hissing roar of thrusters yanked her attention to the sky, and as two shapes plunged from the sky, Pepper’s eyes and mouth went wide.

This can’t be.

They struck the ground in unison: a huge green man with a platinum-blonde woman in his arms, and a red-and-gold mechanical shell that was too familiar to be real.

For a moment, Pepper’s world froze, hope and denial colliding with a force that brought everything else to a halt.

Then the armor shrank away, nanites returning to their case and revealing the man underneath.

Dark hair. Brown eyes, blinking owlishly in the light. A smile that was slightly disoriented, but happy and wide.

And below that, a quantum suit that matched the ones worn by the Hulk and-

“NATASHA?!”

It was only when Clint’s shout rang across the gathering that Pepper realized the music had been cut. The archer lunged toward the newcomers, stumbling to a halt as he stared at the woman who was disembarking Bruce’s arms.

“And… Tony?!”

“Yup, I’m here too. Thanks for noticing. So, this is what the future looks like!”

The future? For a moment, Pepper could only stare, her grief-clouded mind struggling to understand how this could be real.

And then it clicked.

The quantum suits. Bruce’s absence. The way Tony’s eyes had skimmed across Morgan like he didn’t even recognize her.

Bruce told me he couldn’t change the past. As long as the Infinity Stones exist, they keep the timeline in one coherent flow, so what’s happened always will have happened.

That’s why Gamora was able to come to the future without changing the past, even though she was sacrificed to the Soul Stone. Her, and Natasha, and Thanos, and…

“Tony?”

She’d meant for her voice to sound stronger. It wasn’t supposed to break, or to be drowned out by Morgan’s scream of “DADDY!”

But he was here, and smiling, and alive, and the way his eyes softened when he saw her was so damn familiar…

“Pepper.” His voice was quiet, and the nervous apology in his face did not belong there. “Baby, I’m sorry – I told you no more surprises, and then-”

“You idiot.” Her voice came out halfway between a laugh and a sob, and her feet finally dislodged from the ground to which they’d been frozen. Even as the child in her arms began to squirm, Pepper rushed into her husband’s waiting embrace, pressing herself and her daughter against his chest. “This is the best surprise I’ve ever had.”

“Well, I do aim to please. Though granted, I frequently miss.”

A few feet away, a small “Oof!” sounded as Clint scooped Natasha into a crushing hug, and Morgan grinned as she wrestled her arms out from between her parents so she could hug her father properly.

“I’m glad you’re back, Daddy.”

“I’m glad to be back,” he answered warmly. “Not that I remember being gone, time shenanigans being what they are. And you must be Morgan.”

“Must be?” Confusion swept across the child’s face, and Pepper’s stomach sank. “What do you mean? Don’t you remember me?”

“Uh…” The answering voice belonged to Bruce, who drew Morgan’s attention by gently settling his ponderous hand on her tiny shoulder. “I’m sorry, kid; I had to get a version of him from before the Infinity Stones were destroyed. If I took him after that, the Stones wouldn’t have been there to keep the timeline constant, and I could’ve caused a nasty alternate reality.”

“Yeah, I’m not the most recent model,” Tony piped up apologetically. “I’m a bit obsolete, and missing a few features – like my memories of the last five years – so I might need a bit of time to get updated.”

“We’ve got my baby photos,” Morgan offered. “And my videos, like the one you took on my fourth birthday, when I threw handfuls of cake and you blew them up with your suit.”

“Wow.” A small laugh burst from Tony, and his eyes danced. “You really must be my daughter. I can’t wait to get to know you again.”

A grin lit the child’s face, and Tony pressed his family tighter against him. “I am so sorry I left you like that,” he murmured into Pepper’s hair. “I can’t imagine what you must’ve been though, losing a guy like me…”

Part of her wanted to respond with a snippy, teasing remark, but that part was drowning in tears. “It was hell,” she managed, a pained smile fighting for position with a cringe at the awful memories.

No wife should see her husband’s body empty and burned.

No mother should have to tell her five-year-old that the father she “loves three thousand” is never coming home.

“I’m so sorry, honey.” His lips were soft against her hair, and his breath was warm and real. Alive. “I will do my very best to never leave you again. At least not until we’re a hundred, and wrinkly as the Grand Canyon.”

“At LEAST not until then.” At last, a laugh began to break through the lingering echo of pain. “That should’ve been in our wedding vows.”

“Our wedding… wow. Yet another thing I managed to miss. We should have another one. I hope it’s OK that I invited Wong.”

“He was there,” Pepper pointed out, glancing at the sorcerer, who responded with a respectful nod. “Dr. Strange wasn’t, though. And neither was Peter.”

From the shadow that passed through Tony’s eyes, she suspected Bruce had told him why. “Well, that is a crying shame,” he replied softly. “A wedding without my first choice of ring bearer. Hey, Morgan, do you wanna be the flower girl?”

“Yes!”

“You know,” a new voice slid into the conversation, and they turned to see Natasha sidling up to them. “Everyone’s here in their Sunday best – think we should make the most of it?”

Tony’s eyes jumped back to Pepper, an eager echo of Natasha’s question flashing in his eyes, and the tears were finally pushed aside by a full, genuine smile. “We absolutely should.”

“All right, then! Friday, amp up the speaker on this thing. HEY, EVERYONE!” Tony’s arm rose along with his voice, and the guests all stood a little taller.

“I’d like to announce that the funeral is OVER! Of course, it was already over for me about five minutes ago. The AFTER-funeral – also known as OUR WEDDING – begins in fifteen minutes!”

Fifteen minutes. This was all happening so fast. One minute she was mourning him, now the crowd was cheering for him and Natasha, and fifteen minutes from now she was going to marry him again.

“One hour!”

All eyes turned toward Rhodey, whose face was a contrast of smiles and tears. “If you give me one hour to run to the store, I’ll get you two a cake.”

The wife and groom-to-be exchanged a glance, and now it was Pepper’s turn to shout. “The wedding begins in one hour!”

“And in the meantime… hey, Peter!”

The boy had been hovering at the edge of the group, obviously dying to hug his mentor, but too polite to intrude on the family reunion. Now Tony beckoned him closer, and Bruce stepped back to make room as Spider-man rushed forward like a puppy who hadn’t seen his owner for two whole hours.

“Mr. Stark, I can’t believe you’re alive – I mean, this is so, SO awesome – we both saw each other die – I mean, you probably don’t remember seeing me die, and that’s not the part that’s awesome, but you were dead, and now you’re not-”

And there were still dark spots on the boy’s outfit where tears had yet to dry. Pepper saw them, and she knew Tony had noticed them, too. “C’mere.”

The resurrected hero spread his arms, and Peter’s eyes went wide. “Me?”

“No, the building behind you.” As Peter craned his neck to look, Tony’s eyes rolled fondly. “Yes, you. Oof!”

Now it was Tony’s turn to get squashed as spider-enhanced arms closed around him, mashing him into the desperate hug of a child who had almost lost his third father figure in a row. “I thought we were only ever gonna get to do this twice,” the boy choked, and one of Tony’s hands left his back to gently ruin the boy’s formal hairdo.

“I do have a way of waiting until it’s almost too late, don’t I?”

“No, no, I didn’t mean that-”

“I know you didn’t. But it’s true.” With a deep, shaky breath, Tony drew away, the glisten in his eyes whispering that his family’s grief and relief were starting to spread to him. “I almost lost you, didn’t I?” His gaze strayed to Pepper and Morgan. “All three of you.”

“We almost lost you,” Pepper responded, smiling through the tears that threatened to return.

“Well, I’d promise that won’t happen again, but you know how I am with promises. For now, I think it’s time to focus on what we can get back. We’ve got an hour before the wedding, and I’d like to spend it watching baby videos and getting reacquainted with my family.”

Peter took a step back, and Tony’s gaze followed him. “My WHOLE family.”

Fresh tears rose in the boy’s eyes, and his mentor smiled. “Wat’cha think, kid? Wanna come over and get to know your kinda-unofficially-adopted little sister-”

“BUT I WANTED TO BE THE BIG SISTER WHEN YOU HAD ANOTHER KID!”

“Wanna come get to know your kinda-unofficially-adopted big sister before I co-opt you as my ring bearer?”

A grin broke across Peter’s face like sunlight as he nodded, and Pepper felt herself echoing the expression alongside Tony and Morgan.

It was all so surreal, she wasn’t sure when her still-reeling mind would be able to fully accept it. Her hand settled on her husband’s shoulder, rubbing the plate of his quantum suit in a quest to convince herself that he was too solid to be an illusion, that the way he turned and smiled at her was as real as the fingers that rose to cover hers.

Her eyes strayed to Bruce, whose grin lit his face like the star on a big green Christmas tree, and she gently let Morgan out of her arms before stepping toward the giant. “Bruce,” she said quietly, her voice choked, “I can never thank you enough.”

“Hey, I owed it to him. And you. We all did.”

But still. Her hand closed around his arm, and she suddenly yanked him downward, brushing a grateful kiss on his startled cheek. Morgan gave a soft moan of “Ew!”, and Tony grinned mischievously at her before stepping toward his friend.

“I’m getting in on this.”

“Come on, Tony-”

Too late – Tony had already planted one on his other cheek, and Peter was silently backpedaling, clearly hoping to create enough distance that it wouldn’t seem impolite for him not to join in.

Pepper was tempted to corral him into it anyway, but they had less than an hour before the wedding, and time was running out.

Besides, Wanda was stepping forward, and Pepper’s heart twisted as she thought of the hard conversation Bruce was about to have.

Vision had depended on the Infinity Stone in his head. The stone couldn’t be removed from its place in the timeline, and neither could he.

Pepper had gotten her partner back, but Wanda – and far too many others – would not be so lucky.

Beside her, Tony was visibly withering, and she reached over to squeeze his hand. This time, when he turned toward her, his smile was small and pained. “We lost Vision, didn’t we?” he whispered.

Her eyes were burning again, and she forced herself to nod. Vision was Tony’s child, just as all his robots were, and he’d been the last remnant of Jarvis.

And now he was gone.

So many people and memories were gone.

But so many had come back, and she was determined to make the most of it, for whatever time they had left. “Come on,” she said softly. “Let’s go see some baby pictures.”

[gettingitoutofmymind]

It has been a horrible weekend

Well on by bday I took a pregnancy test because my period was late (which is common) but my boobs were also sore and one day while at work my right foot swole up while in the air and that has never ever happened before. I honestly did not think it would show that I was pregnant, and the first test didn’t... well it didn’t show anything, it was just blank so I was thinking the test were faulty. I brought the remaining test with me so I could take it once we got to our hotel later in the day. I ended up taking the test in the PHX airport bathroom cause it was taking so long to get the rental car and Joel said we had a 30min drive (he made up that number it was only 8mins). I feel like before the pee even hit the stick, two lines showed up and I was beyond shocked. Again I thought this test is messed up cause the box says the wait time is 2 mins for a result (I guess this was the test way of saying we not gonna let you think you’re not pregnant for a second longer. When I got home I went to my primary on Monday and they confirmed I was pregnant. Even though I was nervous and unprepared I knew Joel and I could handle a baby and I was happy about the news. 

My excitement, planning, pinning, etc, was short lived cause on the 25th I had a miscarriage and ended up going to the ER after work. I did bleed a little mon night but I didn’t think anything of it cause the doc said light bleeding is normal and there was no pain. tue there was no bleeding, wed there was two quarter size drops and thurs. during the day there was even less than wed.. While on break at work I had to poop, so I took my air freshener in the bathroom and did my thing in the and there were not issues beyond what I thought was normal. When I got to my flight after we started boarding my stomach started to hurt and i’m still not even sure if this was the miscarriage or from constipation but I’m pretty sure it was me having a miscarriage at the worse possible time (not that any time is a good time to have one). So while giving my announcements I know I was shaking but thankfully for the mask I don’t think people could see how sour my face looked. It was only a 20min flight so half of it was spent in the galley where I was bent over in pain and discomfort, trying to stay out of sight from people. By the time we landed I was feeling better so at the time I just though my stomach was feeling better. When I got to the hotel I felt like I had to poop again, but I don’t even think I did cause I only remember this huge blood clot falling out of my vagina. I fished it out with gloves and a plastic bag and put it on tissues and in a cup to take with me to the ER. I was in the ER of SBY from around 6:30 to 11:30pm. Those tech and nurses are punks cause noone gave me straight answers and I know they could tell if what they saw in the ultrasound and blood work was definitely a miscarriage or not. The dr. said it was one of 3 things; an ectopic pregnancy, too soon to see a baby or a miscarriage. At the time she said my Hcg level were normal but on the lower side and that I needed to get them tested in two days to see if they decreased or not. 

I was going to go to work and just come home on sat. so I could get the lab work done but Joel was really worried about me and wanted to drive down to pick me up that night. I told him I was fine and wasn’t in pain at the time so I’d call in sick for tomorrow and come home after my first flight. I’m glad I did that cause after my flight home I started bleeding a lot as soon as I got off the plane. I had a pad on but the blood gushed through my work pants and I ended up having to change into some jeans. I still didn’t even feel more abdominal pain until after I got to Joel's house. After I bleed though like three pads I decided to just get adult diapers cause they’re more absorbent/longer and I didn’t want to “waste” my not so cheap organic pads (I don’t like Always and other store brand pads cause it seems like they’re made of plastic and blood just sits on top)...Trying to get a dr. appt. was the most difficult thing cause at first my primary said I couldn’t come because I had been out of the state and when I called other offices they said I couldn’t come in until April since i’d be a new patient. Eventually my primary called me back and said I could come in on mon. I had already went to Labcorp and I thought i’d get the results right away but they said they’ll send them to my dr. in 2-3 business day, so I changed my appt. to wed. I guess I’m just going in to get the final word and to see if there’s anything else I need to do to remove anything from my body cause I don’t feel pregnant anymore and i’ve been bleeding all weekend, so it’d be a huge miracle if I was somehow still pregnant. 

Besides Joel I’ve only told two other people... one of my co-workers and the woman I wanted to be my midwife cause we were supposed to have an appt. today. I’ll tell my best friend wed. but that’s about all who I want to tell right now. Even though this was a surprise to us I was excited but i’m just praying that in the future I’ll be able to carry full term.

Ps I was just reading an old entry from last yr where I was having pregnancy fever and said i’m not ready for a baby though, I just want to be pregnant, and i’m like if this is lifes way of granting my “wish” that’s really f’d up.

3/30/21

[5hfanfiction]

Progression - Chapter 1

(Dinah’s older than Camila in this, but really, everyone’s ages are kind of screwed up.)

-

“Why are you making such a big deal about this? If we were in a dorm, we’d be rooming with random people. You know me, and you know Mani.” Dinah deadpans, nudging the front door all the way open with her foot.

Camila sighs deeply, setting an incorrectly marked box on the kitchen counter. “But we don’t know Lauren.”

“We’ll get to know her. Besides, if Mani says she’s good people, then I trust her, and so should you.” She sets the scissors next to the box and starts back through the door, calling out, “Now shut up for 5 minutes and help me.”

Camila frowns at Dinah’s blind faith in a girl she doesn’t know. Sure, Normani trusts her, and while she is a great judge of character, but she hasn’t seen her properly in over three years, and a lot can change in that time. Aside from that, Normani’s character doesn’t determine Lauren’s, since everyone knows, good people can have the worst friends. Yes, Dinah has a point that this is probably better than a random room assignment, but the fact that they signed a lease, a legally binding contract, and now all their money is tied up in this apartment for the next two years, is stressing her out. Damn Dinah and her overly convincing puppy-dog eyes.

The younger girl follows her friend outside to where the moving truck is parked, containing all four roommates combined belongings. “Get that side.” Dinah juts her chin out toward the opposite end of the couch she’s holding.

Camila obeys her friend’s orders and they lift it easily, even though Dinah would be fine on her own, but that would look suspect. The taller girl starts the trek upstairs, smiling in thanks at the young adult male holding the door for them.

“You two good?” He questions in a thick accent she can’t quite place.

“Yeah, we’re good. Thanks.” Camila interjects curtly, noticing the flirtatious look taking over her friend’s features. If she allows Dinah a word in, they could easily be standing there for an exceedingly long period of time for someone carrying an item of furniture that weighs four times what they do.

The boy just nods and exits once they’ve completely gone through the doorway. Dinah glares at Camila for sending away a potential mate, but says nothing. The Latina sighs thankfully, knowing she takes flirting very seriously, and was glad to have stomped it out before it could get started.

Over the years, Camila has seen a great deal of amorous exchanges involving her friend, and she completely understands why. Dinah is easily one of the most attractive people Camila knows. Granted, she doesn’t know very many people, but she counts people on the television, and shop customers as well. Physically, the older girl is pretty perfect; she’s tall, tan, and muscular, with insanely soft and thick hair that was usually some shade between brown and blond without really being either, and was “built like an acoustic guitar”, as Ariana had once put it. The statement had earned her a slap to the back of the head from one of Dinah’s large hands, her abnormally long fingers leaving red marks on the back of the petite girl’s neck for a solid 24 hours, an action the assailant soon regretted when the remark was explained.

The two make it up the stairs silently, efficiently, and slide the plush piece through the doorway. While Camila is content with leaving it in the previously designated area, Dinah suddenly finds a fault with it’s positioning, and keeps moving it in minute, nearly indistinguishable jerks in all directions.

“Dinah, what are you doing?”

“I’m trying to center it. Don’t you think it looks weird?”

“No, because there’s only one place to put it,” Camila gestures around the now fully furnished living room, “and it looks fine.”

The older girl sucks her teeth and frowns at her friend. “If I wanted to live somewhere ‘fine’, I’d have stayed at home. I want my apartment to be poppin’.”

“Dinah, we’re college students now. Like, 95% of our income goes to bills and food. We can’t afford to pop; we can’t even afford to sizzle.”

“So we’ll save up, and pool our money. Then we can buy furniture that doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out from looking at it for longer than 5 seconds.”

“Well, you can spend all your disposable income on popping, and sizzling, and frying, or whatever, but don’t come to me when you’re hungry or need gas money.” Camila kicks off her shoes and places them on the mat beside the front door.

Dinah laughs lightly and follows suit. “You say that like you really think you wouldn’t give me anything I asked for.”

“I want us to do this right, Dinah. You’re 18 now, I’ll be 18 soon enough…Ally’s trusting us not to live at home this year, and I really don’t want to give her any reason to think we’re irresponsible.” She pauses for a moment. “More irresponsible. I don’t want to fuck this up.”

The taller of the two smiles gently and pulls her friend into a strong, but not crushing, hug. “Jesus, Chancho. I’m the legal adult here, remember?” While her tone is teasing, her hold is firm, because she knows everything about this situation is new and had been worrying Camila since the idea had first been proposed almost six months ago. “Everything will be fine. Ally already trusts you, even more than Zayn, and he co-owns her businesses. If anyone should be putting in extra effort, it’s me-which I will, promise-so don’t worry.”

They stand in motionless silence for a few minutes. “We’ve been in this apartment for 5 minutes, and it’s already made you all sappy and gross.” Camila mumbles tiredly into the Polynesian’s chest. Indisputably, Dinah give the best hugs in the entire universe; it has something to do with the perfectly balanced combination of her warmth, softness and comforting scent. Unfortunately, that precise mix is currently working to put her to sleep.

“You always gotta ruin the moment.” Dinah rolls her eyes and shoves Camila back, into the the blue and white striped fabric recliner Ally had given them. “I’m gonna start with the kitchen. Can you unpack the bathroom stuff?”

“Uh-huh.” Camila nods, but makes no effort to stand up. Her body suddenly feels too heavy to support itself, so she just tucks her legs underneath her body and lays her head on one of the arms. She nods off quickly to the sounds of Dinah moving around, occasionally making noises of agreement to whatever was being said until she was too far gone to reply.

“Did you pack the wire rack with the kitchen stuff?” Dinah calls out, waiting a bit for a response before moving towards the more open area of the apartment. “Walz?”

She smiles at the sight of her small friend curled up in the chair, sleeping peacefully. Although she could use the help, she goes back to unpacking without even attempting to wake her up. Aside from Camila’s deep breathing, and the more distant sounds of other inhabitants being alive, it’s pretty quiet; Dinah Jane Hansen cannot stand quiet. Long stretches of silence are uncomfortable to her, and it makes her feel too close to death, unless she’s trying to sleep, then anyone making any type of noise is at risk of literally being close to death. This was one of the many reasons Ally had moved them to separate rooms, multiple times. Camila enjoyed the environment Dinah despised, thrived in it, in fact. Her own love of loud music, television and people had always clashed with her friend’s dislike, a concern that was sat at the back of her mind when she’d realized, for the first time in over two years, they’d be sharing together again. As well as they get along, she doesn’t know if she can survive another second rooming with “Can you turn it down?”, and “D, I have a headache, please?”. It’s not her fault that Camila has sensitive ears.

Since she’s not a total asshole, and doesn’t want to risk waking Camila up, she works without music. This could also be explained by the fact it would be practically impossible to find the box with her headphones inside at this point in time. Naturally, her mind begins to wander, and she remembers Camila’s earlier concerns. For as far back as her memory goes, she’s lived with Ally, and, while she was more than ready to spread her metaphorical wings with little concern for how things would play out, the older woman had been hesitant to let her go. Eventually, they’d reached an agreement where Dinah could go if she could convince Camila to fill the final roommate position Normani and Lauren were looking for. This was difficult simply because Camila didn’t want to move out, and was, although she’d been accepted to the same college as Dinah, planning on going to a different university based solely on the location of the campus. In the end, it took a solid month of groveling and guilt-tripping before she agreed, and thus, papers were signed and money was put down, much to Ally’s displeasure. It was understandable for her to be so upset, as she’d literally raised Dinah, and made her dismay known by dramatically sulking around the house for nearly a month after they’d graduated. A small part of her wondered what her birth parents would say, how they would feel to see her graduating. Ally had refused to tell Dinah what had become of her biological family, aside from something about an “unfortunate accident”, claiming she would learn the full story when she was older. Of course she had a difficult time believing 32 people had all succumb to the same fate, but she was happy with the people she did consider family, and still held onto the belief that Ally would tell her one day.

Frowning, she took a deep breath to clear her head of the negative thoughts and stepped back from what she was doing. She looked around in mild surprise, unsure of when she’d packed away four full boxes worth of stuff, and checked the time. 

7:08. It’s been a little over an hour since she started, and about another one to go before Normani and Lauren were scheduled to arrive. Peering over the back of the chair to make sure Camila’s not stirring, Dinah scrolls through her phone and starts playing a random playlist in her “Bops” folder, but still on a low volume, just in case.

Music really is a great way to pass the time, because just as she’s deciding if the top shelf should house mugs or plates, there’s a key turning in the lock.

“Hey, DJ.” Normani grins widely from the doorway, almost instantly being lifted into Dinah’s arms.

“Manz! I Haven’t seen you in-” Dinah quickly lowers her volume and friend, remembering the sleeping girl a few feet away, “forever.”

“What’s wrong?” Normani asks confusedly at the sudden behavioral change. Dinah tilts her head in Camila’s direction as they separate. “And here I thought she’d be the one doing all the work while you were off somewhere drooling.”

“It’s not my fault Walz usually does everything. I’m not lazy, she’s an overachiever.” Dinah doesn’t even attempt to claim that she doesn’t drool, as Normani, Camila, and Ariana had all been too enthusiastic to show her the embarrassing proof in the past. 

“How long did you try to wake her up for?”

“I didn’t. She’s taking a nap outside of the full moon or being sick for the first time in like six years; it’s better to just let her sleep.”

Normani nods, knowing Dinah speaks the truth. She’s never met anyone who hates being asleep more than the 17 year old in the recliner. Changing the subject, she raises a large brown paper bag Dinah had previously missed. “Anyways, I brought you guys something.”

“Food?” Dinah questions, although the answer is obvious, and snatches the bag from her hand. “You’re a lifesaver. I thought I was actually going to have to…you know.”

“You mean cook?” Dinah hates cooking as much as Camila hates sleeping, and Normani has trouble understanding either sentiment.

“Yeah, that.” Dinah takes a generous bite out of a random burger and turns towards the partially open door. “Where’s Lauren? I thought she was coming with you?”

“She was, but her parents wanted to have a family dinner tonight, so she transferred to an early morning flight.” Normani pulls the front door shut and locks it. She’s not risking someone just walking in and slaughtering them in their sleep. It won’t matter if Dinah and Camila are there if they get to her first.

“Don’t her parents live in Miami? That’s less than a three hour drive.” As she speaks, a chunky, liquefied mix of meat and bun spills down her chin, dyed yellow from the high ratio of mustard to pretty much everything else between the pieces of bread.

Normani hands Dinah a napkin, not particularly disgusted by the display, as she’d gotten used to her and Camila’s disastrous eating habits long ago. “It was at her uncle’s in Tennessee,” she stretches out on the couch and gestures to the three of them, “so it’ll just be us this evening.”

“If Mila even bothers to wake up.” Dinah replies before realizing something. “Hold up, who said you could sit down?”

“What?”

“Girl, get yo ass up and do something.”

“But Mila-”

“She’s allowed to sleep because she actually did some work before. Did you really believe you could bring us some food and we’d let you get away not doing anything?” The innocent look on Normani’s face says everything, and Dinah laughs loudly. “Hoe, you thought. Now go unpack the boxes for the bathroom.”

Normani sighs theatrically, but starts down the hall anyway, not wanting to feel Dinah’s wrath over something so insignificant, and also because she knows damn well it won’t get done otherwise.

They continue to talk back and forth for a while, calling out to each other across the apartment after they’d determined Camila probably wouldn’t be waking up anytime soon.

“D, what the hell are these?” Normani rounds the corner holding an cartoon rocket ship bath mat and Space Invaders shower curtain.

“Ally got those as part of our going away present, even though we’ve only gone like an hour and a half away.”

“Did you make sure to tell her you guys were starting college and not kindergarten? It looks like she’s a bit confused.” Secretly, Normani finds the gifts cute, because she’s gotten to know Ally thoroughly over the last four years, and it’s just like her to do something all sentimental like this.

“Walz didn’t want to hurt her feelings by not bringing them, and I don’t want to risk her just showing up and not seeing them in place, you know?” The soft tone in the younger girl’s voice contrasts starkly with the pained grimace on her face. It’s like she’s physically hurting from just being in the presence of the brightly colored accessories.

“That’s really sweet of you, to sacrifice your sanity out of love and fear.”

“Fear? What are you talking about? I’m not afraid of Ally.”

“That’s such a fucking lie and you know it.” Normani smiles knowingly at Dinah’s overly defensive stance: arms crossed, brow furrowed in a mix of confusion and annoyance, and legs shoulder width apart. “She’s your mom, you pretty much have to be scared of her.”

“Yeah, but I’m not. The only time I’ve only even mildly feared her was those couple of times when she got really mad at me, because believe you me, when the 'a’ in Ally stands for angry, you don’t want to be anywhere near her.”

“It’s hard to imagine Ally like that.” Normani sets the mat and curtain on one of the few boxes not yet pushed into it’s proper room yet; not that they even know what it is, since Lauren and Normani decided drunk and tipsy packing, respectively, would be a good idea.

“It’s good you only have to go based off imagination and not experience. Trust me, she’s like a little volcano.”

“What am I when I’m angry?”

“You’re like…a slowly melting block of ice.”

“I don’t-what?”

“You’re all cold towards whoever you’re mad at, and you don’t show it at first, but then you start getting all snippy and stay salty for as long as you’re pissed off. You aren’t an explosive person.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s true. And you’re not either, most of the time. Unless you feel really threatened, or somebody does something seriously messed up, you’re pretty calm.”

“Well, yeah. I don’t want people to know I’m angry with them, all the time, and get all suspicious. Why do you think I’m so good at pranks?”

“Because you lowkey want to be a bully, but you know Ally would have your ass, so you found a slightly less abrasive outlet.”

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to stop talking to Walz. Her and all her deep thinking is fucking you up.”

“Are you saying I’m not a deep thinker?”

“No, but you’re not like her, and believe me when I say that’s a good thing.”

There’s a slight pause before anyone speaks again. “What about Mila?”

“What about Mila?” Dinah reiterates, not understanding Normani’s question.

“If Ally’s a volcano-”

“Little volcano.” She can hear the smirk in her voice, even though she isn’t looking at her.

“-and I’m a block of ice, what’s Camila like when she’s mad?”

“Walz doesn’t get mad.”

“Dinah, you’ve known her since she was six.”

“I know that, but I’ve never seen her anything more than moderately annoyed, usually by me or Zayn.”

“I know Mila doesn’t have a bad temper, I mean she spends most of her time with you, we’d know at this point, but nothing?” The eldest resident sits on the arm of the recliner and looks down at it’s occupant, tone dripping with incredulity.

Dinah takes a moment to think before replying. “There was this one time I remember when she was really genuinely upset. We were like eight and three of my friends-you remember those annoying ass girls I told you I used to hang out with right before middle school?-came over to stay for April vacation. Walz had already been there for a couple of weeks, and I was sick before, so of course she got it, but Ally already agreed to watch those terrible children, so she put in place her standard quarantine procedures.” Dinah doesn’t elaborate, knowing Normani is fully aware of Ally’s behaviour when anyone in her household is ill. “It was like halfway through their stay and Ally was in the kitchen, when Walz comes downstairs for the first time in days, looking for her. We were in the living room, so we saw her first, and Sierra, of course, decided to cause a problem.”

“Sierra was the one with the parents that owned those condos, right?”

“That was Genevive. Sierra’s parents bought that amusement park that closed down like two years later.”

“How did you know these people?”

“Public school. Go figure.” Dinah purposely avoids answering Normani’s actual question in favor of finishing the memory. “Anyways, they were just talking all kinds of mess, and I just kinda stood there, because, you know, I was a stupid elementary schooler and these were my cool friends. Then Sierra went too far and threw Q outside into the downpour, Mila went after him, and they locked her out. Genevive and Evie went in the kitchen to make sure she didn’t try to come in through the front door, and I…” Dinah trails off for a moment, noticeably uncomfortable. “I pulled the blinds in the back so Ally wouldn’t see her, then we helped with lunch. By the time Ally found her, she’d already been outside for like three hours.”

Normani’s brow furrows, having heard other stories of how Dinah was kind of an asshole at that age, but that doesn’t make it any less upsetting. “Please tell me Mila came for you.”

“No, but Ally did after I told her what happened." 

"You actually told Ally?” Normani asks skeptically. The Dinah she knows would do almost anything to stay out of trouble, or at least modify the truth enough to spare herself too severe of a punishment. Admitting to laughing with your 'friends’ being mean to your friend, then locking said friend outside in the rain with no plans of telling anyone isn’t exactly how one would prevent that.

“Believe it or not, eight year old Dinah Jane still felt guilt on occasion. I couldn’t not tell her, especially when we found out Walz had pneumonia. Ally blamed that on the rain, and even though the doctor said that’s not what caused it, I wasn’t going to try to use that to defend myself. Not the point, so Q was all muddy and gross,  and Ally told Mila she was going to wash him, you know, the common sense thing to do, and she lost it. She started crying her eyes out and begging Ally not to, like she almost threw up from crying so hard. It was terrible. My friends were staring in surprise and disgust, and I was so embarrassed. Yes, I know, I was a terrible friend, stop looking at me like that. And Ally was completely freaking out because she’d never seen her like that, and she couldn’t figure out how to calm her down. So she just carried her upstairs.”

“Wow.” It’s a well known fact that Camila is a very emotional person, but Normani has never seen her cry, at least not the way Dinah was describing it. Sure, she’d seen her shed a couple tears at the sad scenes in movies, or from laughing way too hard, but nothing so emotional. “I don’t get it. Why was she crying?”

“I don’t know. We never asked her. I don’t even think she remembers it happening, so Ally decided to just blame it on her fever. You know how Ally likes to be prepared for everything, so that kind of fucked her up for a while. Really though, it was so…unexpected, and out of character. I mean, when I was teaching her how to ride a bike, she fell down the side of a rocky hill, into a stream, and didn’t make a sound. This was something else.”

“You guys had a real weird childhood.” Even though she already knows this.

“You tell me that anytime I tell you anything. And not really, yours was just super boring.”

Normani snorts. “No, my childhood was normal. Ally literally owns a magic shop. Where is the normality?”

“It’s normal to us.” Dinah says with an air of finality, not wanting to dwell on negative memories. “Now, go finish setting up the bathroom.”

“Dinah! Really? You’re gonna make me do more work? It’s nighttime.”

“Yes, now get up.”

“I’m tired." 

"Mani.”

“No.” The darker girl whines, stretching out the word.

“I wasn’t giving you an option.” Dinah throws a pillow at Normani, her previously unmoving target effectively dodging the projectile, causing it to hit the sleeping girl in the face. 

Camila groans quietly and shifts in her sleep, forcing her eyes open as she knocks the pillow onto the floor. “I…was asleep?”

“You were.” Dinah glares at Normani, more playful than serious.

“Mani?” Camila mumbles around a yawn, recognizing the familiar perfume coming off the figure above her. “I thought you weren’t getting here until tonight.”

The older girl grins down at her friend, and gestures towards the hall windows where the blinds are still open. “It is night, Mila.”

“It’s-wha?” She rubs her eyes, confused as to how it was pitch black out when the sun had been shining brightly just minutes before.

“It’s almost 9:30. You’ve been out for nearly 3 hours.” Dinah’s voice replies from behind her.  

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Camila speaks to Dinah, but extends her arms towards Normani, signaling she wants a hug.

“You were barely sitting down for 5 minutes before you fell asleep. If I woke you up, you’d just be cranky and do a shit job at unpacking.”

Normani slid down into Camila’s lap, wrapping the Cuban up in her arms. “Plus, you probably wouldn’t have woken up anyway. Dinah’s been playing music this entire time, stuff was being moved around, and we were literally talking right over you for the past 20 minutes.

"And, I made smoothies.”

“No, you didn’t.”

Dinah opens the fridge and pulls out three glass bottles, each containing a different colored puree. Honestly, she hadn’t even remembered she’d made them until now. “Try me again.”

“Shit.” Camila knows she can be a heavy sleeper, but their blender is basically a small glass lawnmower for food items. “Is one of those mine?”

“Of course that’s what you focus on.” Camila adjusts Normani in her lap, so she has a free hand to hold the bottle Dinah passes her.

“Thank you.” She takes a sip of the thick liquid, savoring the, overwhelmingly to every other living being, banana flavor and peanut butter aftertaste. “Have I ever told you that I love you more than most things?”

“Only every time I give you food.”

“Those are very good times.”

“Speaking of food,” Normani interjects, remembering something important. “Lauren wants to have lunch with you guys tomorrow, since she can’t make it here tonight.”

“Sure, I’m free between 12 and 2. I have to get to the bakery for 3:30.”

“I’ll be back by 12:30, since I’m opening tomorrow.”

“Lauren and I are both available then, so lets say, 12:45 at that Italian restaurant across from the town center.”

“The one with the yellow tomatoes in the salad and butter that kind of tastes like gravy?”

“That’s the one.”

“Now I’m hungry.” Normani hears Camila speak the complaint into her shoulder.

“You were hungry the moment you woke up.” Dinah hands her the not completely cold take out bag from the fridge. “Here. Normani brought burgers, so I saved you one and a half. There’s also most of a large fries-don’t you dare look at me like that. You’re lucky I didn’t eat all your fries.”

“You’re a literal angel.” Normani has no time to respond before Camila grabs her face and kisses her wetly on the cheek, then starts in on the stuffed half turkey burger.

“Anyway,” Normani starts, wiping the saliva off her face in disgust, “she’s really excited to meet you guys. I’m just kind of worried, you know?”

“Why?” The word vibrates her arm, which lays limp across Camila’s chest.

“It’s just, I’ve built you guys up so much, she’ll probably be disappointed when the real thing is right in front of her.”

There’s a loud clapping sound as Dinah’s hand connects with Normani’s back, nearly knocking her over. “Girl, you scared me for a second! I thought you were being serious.”

“You could be an actress. That was really convincing.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.”

“I’m being serious. Plus, you’ve got the face for it: acting, modeling, all that picture stuff.” Camila’s voice is muffled as she holds the rest of her burger between her teeth, digging through the empty paper wrappers Dinah left in the bag in search of the spilled fries.

“Yeah, and besides, you’re a great actress, and dancer, and once people get a look at that face, they’ll be dying to plaster it up all over magazine covers, and billboards, and giant posters that’ll hang in horny teenager’s bedrooms.” Dinah admits honestly as she flops down on the couch.

“And park benches!” Camila adds excitedly, probably only really thinking of the park portion of the suggestion.

“Thanks, but I really don’t think I want anyone sitting on my face.”

“Yet another thing you and Walz don’t have in common.” As Dinah Jane is the biggest fan of her own jokes, she fails miserably at holding back the laugh that Normani lets out in full.

Camila waits for the giggles to subside before attempting to respond. “You say that like it’s not one of the greatest experiences ever, for all parties involved.”

“I am the sitter, not the on being sat upon, thank you very much. A face like this must be admired at all times, and that’s kind of hard to do when someone’s ass is all up in it.”

“DJ, the only thing to ever admire your face, aside from you, is your phone camera.”

“On a good day.” Camila holds up a couple of fries, silently offering them to Normani who declines, but reaches her hand into the bag in search on a moderately clean napkin to wipe the ketchup off the Cuban’s face.

“You’re both so damn rude, I swear. I can’t believe I agreed to live with you two. And I was so nice to you, Mani.”

“Right, because everyone wants to hear that they’re attractive enough to be masturbated to, or to be on a mossy, shit covered bench so people can sit on their face in the least sexual way.”

“Well, when you put it like that, it doesn’t sound so good.”

“Whatever. Can we watch a movie now, or something? Talking to you for longer than 10 minutes at a time is tiring.”

“I’m down, as long as it isn’t a horror movie, or a psychological thriller.” Camila tosses the balled up paper bag into the garbage by the couch, and grins at the offended look on Dinah’s face.

“Chancho, come cuddle.”

“What? You don’t want me?” Normani asks innocently, pouting playfully at the huffing Polynesian.

“No, you can stay right over there.” Dinah scoffs, then her voice returns to it’s previous demanding whine. “Walz, here. Now.”

“Sorry, Cheech. No Mani, no me.”

The two youngest stare at each other, both waiting for the other’s resolve to crack. Eventually, it’s Dinah who relents. “Fine, both of you get your traitorous asses over here.”

“We love you, Dinah Jane.” Normani announces in a sing-song voice, after her and Camila squish the still mainly unwilling addressee into a hug.

“Now you do. I’m picking the movie, and no arguments.” She yanks the remote out of Normani’s hand and snickers at the simultaneous groan from the bodies on either side of her.

They were midway through the first season of some weird British show Dinah had found when Normani attempted to make conversation again. Turning her head towards them to speak, she discovered they were both already asleep. This wasn’t surprising at all, but gave her the time to review their future living arrangements. 

Lauren was a great person, even though highschool had been a kind of rocky time for her, and, well, she was a lot like Dinah in certain respects. She enjoyed having a good time, and whatever the definition of that may be at the time, partying till all hours of the night or playing charades in her pajamas, and didn’t let anything get in the way of that. Although their recent conversations had gone significantly better than the ones they’d had over the previous few years, she knew a couple of her highschool friends would also be attending, one of the reasons why she was so glad Lauren had reached out to her to share an apartment, since she wanted to keep her away from those people. Lauren’s parents, Mike and Clara, knew of her past troubles, and were more than ecstatic to hear she was talking with Normani again, who was easily their favorite of their daughter’s friends. It was more difficult to convince them about Dinah and Camila, particularly the latter, as they had been stalking Dinah’s social media since Normani had given them her name, and saw she appeared to be just a normal teenager. Everything she said about Camila, on the other hand, seemed to fuel their apprehension towards their eldest living with her. She didn’t know the answers to the questions they were asking, which made them suspicious, so much so, that Mike had offered to pay for the final forth of the rent if she could get Camila to find a way out of the lease. Now, unbeknownst to her roommates, her parents had taken it upon themselves to invite them all over for Christmas day dinner, after she’d mentioned that none of them had any big plans for the holiday season. She knew how protective Lauren’s parents had become, without being controlling, for the most part, and was slightly concerned with extending the invitation. It would look bad if they didn’t show up, like they were really hiding something, but there would be a lot of questions, probably bordering on the invasive side, and Camila didn’t enjoy talking about her personal life, very much unlike Dinah. She’d tried to say that they were unavailable on the day, but Clara pressed that they could both bring their families, which posed another problem. It was time to talk to Ally before she stuck her foot further in her mouth.

-

This is a thing now?

It’s also on Wattpad: RetreatingBackwards

[curtiskyle]

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Last Longer Hypnosis

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[bitsofbliss]

Annie’s First Thoughts

Hi there world. So, not that anyone is actually going to read these, but I've decided to sort of make my own little blog on here to keep myself both creative, and busy. I’ve recently become very lonely... and it’s made me realize how important it is to document time and profound moments while we can. Life is a big fluctuation of uphill and downhill experiences. Things might be going good.. really good..for week’s, months, or maybe even year’s. But soon enough.. before you know it and are able to soak it all in, you’ll wake up to see that everything that was once good in your life, has changed. In country music terms, it’s why Kenny Chesney says ‘don’t blink’, and Trace Adkins tells us ‘you’re gonna miss this’. For me I'd say my period of uphill experiences, (where the happenstance of happiness was granted my way), had been on a steady track for 3 years before rearing off course. Starting my sophomore year of High School, my life was really just a tick north of perfect (well, to me at least). I had an amazing group of friends, ones that made me cry from laughing so hard, and who bottled me up with so much joy. We were constantly doing something every weekend, racing around our community going on adventures together. Then heading into my junior year, where my hopes had at first glance rested in wanting to do a semester up in my home town on Swans Island, Maine, turned into another year in Austin, Texas at Lake Travis, where if I hadn’t been.. I would’ve never become a sideline reporter for our school’s football team with my good friend Maddie Davis. Whichhh.. also means I would have never fallen utterly in love with a boy named Cameron Dicker on the team, who is today half the reason for this post as we became full blown infatuated with each other that Fall of 2015. Then entering my senior year these two blisses of friendship and romance merged together, forming one great big picture-perfect year for me. I loved going to school, not only because it meant that I got to see my friends and my love, but also because I got to see the beautiful faces of random classmates and teachers who I would end up also growing close with as the school year dwindled on, and thus would birth even more friendships.

 I remember feeling as if I was floating, I was so consumed with happiness that life felt unreal. At the same time though, things going so well made me simultaneously uneasy as I remember thinking “I'm so happy with my life right now that I'm just clenching every inch of my body wishing and hoping nothing screws it up”. I always remembered the verse Romans 8:18 which states “The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming”, which just always made me realize how everything is temporary; something we usually only tell ourselves as a crutch to keep us going when times are lousy and hard. But for me, the fact that everything is temporary maintained it’s truth just the same for any emotional state I was in, even when I was floundering around life in great glee. So much so in fact, that I found myself re-wording Romans 8:18 into “the joy you've been feeling, can’t compare to the pain thats coming”, and I don’t mean to be a pessimist, but I was just constantly on the edge of my seat, afraid of my joy being robbed because I knew that life couldn’t always be smooth sailing. It’s as if I felt my happiness had an expiration date. I remember being amid a wonderful moment where sunshine, love, smiles, exhilaration and all that good stuff consumed my surroundings, but instead of being present in the moment I was in, and enjoying it, I was only able to wonder in the back of my head, when the bad was going to arrive. I was amped up with the subtle fear of something happening that would rain on my parade and impede me of ever experiencing the joy I knew I had in that moment, ever again.  Life can’t be all sunshine and rainbows, so when is the storm going to come? And ironically enough, when the storm, or I should say storm(s) did come, (Hurricane Harvey & Irma), so did the trial in my life. And I gotta say, even though I say all this, and had anticipated that the periods of hardships would eventually roll in, doesn’t make it suck any less now that these difficult times are actually here, encroaching on my pursuit of happiness. I know that there are people out there who would love to have my bad days, and I am still counting my blessings everyday, but that still doesn’t help shake the feeling inside me that my life’s happinesses are slowly disintegrating in front of me, one piece at a time, and just watching them crumble does, inevitably, make me so sad. 

First it started with my friends all parting for college, then my sadness took form in the shape of my new school life, and now it creeps up on me and belittles my once firm love by eliciting the feeling that I'm a worthless girlfriend, whose relationship is now on the brink of failing as well. Those times where I was constantly thanking Jesus for the beautiful days I had had when I was bursting with happiness, I should have also been asking Him to prepare me for the ones where beauty and love is not as lavish. But so now here I am fighting to try to see the good in my everyday life, and I'm holding on so tight to the memories of the past good times, wishing I could go back in time and re-live every moment. And while I know that my happiness does not have an expiration date, I can’t help but wonder if my relationships do. I feel like I'm losing everyone or that all the people I love are forgetting about me or moving on. It’s like i’m running a marathon and all the relationships I once had are running the race and moving at their own pace, while I'm just stuck at the starting line with my legs glued together. I’m such a hopeless romantic and I definitely can’t bear the thought of losing the boy I've been hopelessly in love with over the past two years. I thought that I had found the love of my life at 16 and the sudden idea of getting my heart broken sends me into an instant mode of depression where any ambitions, dreams or goals I have ever had are now cold empty rooms with closed doors where I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and die. My old memories are now the architect of my identity. Holding on to my past happiness as if the bits and pieces of these memories are lightning in a bottle. They are the only thing keeping me sane right now, as they act as a daily reminder of the kind of joy I hope to attain again some day once these times are past me and I'm back in good, fruitful spirit. I've never rested so much hope in the verse Romans 8:18 more than I am everyday now. And though I could continue this post, writing on and on about my self pity and how bad I think I have it, I’m not going to. My situation right now sucks, but ya know it’s about time that I wake up realize that I can’t touch yesterday. Or last month. Or last fall. Or the last few years. While I need to document those moments and sentiments so that I can always cherish them, I can’t cling to them anymore. All I can do is move forward, and if I want to see how many once in a life time moments I can squeeze into a life time, than I need to still fall in love with as many things as possible. The world IS my oyster, it’s YOUR oyster, and what we see depends mainly on what we look for. Like Abe Lincoln once said, “we can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or we can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses”. It’s all perspective. I know that satan is trying with all his might to get to me right now while i’m down on myself and vulnerable. All these emotions I'm feeling of insecurity, weakness, and worthlessness, are all what he takes pleasure in instilling. But there’s only so many tomorrows, and I can’t sit here my whole life feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but a good amount of it actually is depending on our perspective, and yeah, everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either. Because when you actually think about it, ‘how beautiful is it to live in a world where nothing lasts forever? We must learn to fall in love with the love inside us because only then will every moment living, be worth dying for.’ I need to still just blast everyone with love today, and still look to collect beautiful moments. If I want love, I need to be love. If I want light, I need to be light. It’s my life. It’s your life! So let's love it. From the hurt to the wonder. From the bone to the flower. Theres so much life on one little earth, so theres no time to be bored or sad or sorry for yourself in a world as beautiful as this. There is no such thing as a perfect season, adversity will always try to break us down when they see things are going well. But whatever you believe about yourself on the inside is what you will manifest on the outside. I guess good and bad things will happen in life. You can’t get a “get out of a heart break free card”, you just have to keep living and not stress over what you can’t control. So if you’re like me right now, just relax. You will become an adult, as scary as that may be right now. You will figure our your career. That lonely hole in your heart will get filled. You will find someone who loves you.. REALLY loves you. Jesus will always be there for you when you need to rest. You have a whole life time; time takes time. The only way to fail in life is to abstain.