#anyway natsumikan: natsume song of the day is

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 10)

I know it's been a while. I've been a little emotionally and physically drained these days. I've been frustrated with myself for not posting. I need this essay to keep up a sense of structure in my void of a life and I've been neglecting it, which is UNACCEPTABLE!

Anyway, we left off with the beginning of the Z Arc. Natsume has been ignoring Mikan and when she finally gathered the courage to confront him about it, he told her he hated everything about her. Today, we will discuss the aftermath of that confrontation. We will also explore Mikan's smiling complex and her story-long desire to become stronger and "useful."

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Chapter Thirty-One

Natsume starts to run first. Mikan and Ruka only follow as an afterthought, but they’re all quickly stopped in their tracks by Hotaru, riding on a goose-invention, who invites Mikan to hop on. This is personal for her: they’re gonna confront the people who stole Yuu’s alice. There’s a moment where the teachers are calling after them, where Yuu protests that they’re supposed to stay inside, and where Natsume stares in shock at this development.

Mikan focuses on him, remembering the cruel thing he just said to her. Though Hotaru’s arrival cheered her up, she’s obviously still hurt by what he said. So instead of listening to Yuu or the teachers, both Hotaru and Mikan basically tell them all to fuck off. 

He thinks he can just be mean and get away with it? No way!

This moment is Mikan’s chance to actually respond to what he said in a meaningful way. She and Hotaru can abscond from the scene, leaving him in their dust, and it’s the best chance she has to communicate how he made her feel. She still doesn’t hate him back, and it still hurts, but hey! He wanted to run after the Z intruders and she actually gets to! Beat that, jerk!

The rest of this chapter is mainly about Hotaru and Mikan. As they fly away, Mikan exclaims that she already feels so much better (presumably after having her feelings crushed by Natsume earlier), and Hotaru explains that the announcement about an “invader” is just a rumor; in fact, a Z member is being escorted onto campus. What she doesn’t know is that two other Z members have invaded campus to retrieve him. 

Mikan tells Hotaru she’s happy that Hotaru is the one most concerned about Yuu, that the girl who is always cool and collected is breaking the rules and acting boldly for a friend. Hotaru explains that Yuu is the “oasis” of Class B, one of the people who keeps her human. We saw before that she was concerned she’d become like her older brother, become twisted and cold because of the nature of the school. We also know that Hotaru was relieved, not just by Mikan’s friendship, but by Yuu’s as well. The trio keeps each other in line. I’d mentioned before that antics like the dodgeball game (and getting Class B to get along in general) work because all three of them are involved. Mikan might be the outgoing one, but Yuu has been working desperately to have Class B come together for years. He’s kind too, and reasonable, always prioritizing peace and friendship. Hotaru makes a good point that his absence would create a gaping hole in the class. Mikan might have helped get them all together, but losing a peacemaker would no doubt spur conflict in the class again.

Hotaru recalls a moment when Yuu told her that all the kids here are separated from their families. Even if they don’t say it aloud, they’re all scared and lonely. If they get along and become friends, then they won’t have to face this life entirely on their own. Mikan is naive; she still thinks of this place as a wacky school with a few unfair rules. Yuu, who has been a student here for almost his whole life, understands that there’s corruption and unfairness. He doesn’t just want to make friends, he wants to make sure that the students in his class--all of whom are suffering in the same ways--can support each other and become stronger as a result. 

They will always be a trio to me.

The fact that the trio of Yuu, Mikan, and Hotaru stops being as central after this arc makes some amount of sense since Mikan gets closer to other classmates, but it also makes me sad. They’re a trio that perfectly balance each other: Hotaru may be cold, but she knows when to dish out unpleasant truths and is logical when the other two aren’t; Mikan may be loud and annoying, but she keeps things positive and friendly; Yuu may be shy, but he keeps the peace and does his best to mediate conflicts. They get along really well, and it’s their combined efforts that brought unity to Class B. Hotaru loves Yuu and doesn’t want to lose him. Mikan also loves Yuu, and seeing that Hotaru also cares so unabashedly reminds her why she loves Hotaru too.

Hotaru is cold and calculating, an enterprising and apathetic inventor with a capitalistic mindset. Mikan doesn’t focus on those traits, though, even though they seem to be the most obvious parts of her. There’s also a hidden kindness and appreciation for the people she loves. There’s ingenuity and creativity. Mikan isn’t a masochist (I’ll say this a thousand times) because the coldness isn’t what draws her to Hotaru; it’s the parts Hotaru would rather keep under wraps. That’s why we see Mikan gushing about Hotaru the most when Hotaru does something clever, shows off her accomplishments, and (most of all) when she does something kind.

Mikan, being an optimist, is someone who focuses on the bright sides of people after she’s been shown them. After she met the “real” Ruka, the act he tried putting on didn’t faze her at all; she already knew who he really was inside. Once she realized what kind of person Sumire could be, she was able to tolerate Sumire’s bad qualities better. Once she saw that Natsume was capable of kindness, she couldn’t hate him anymore. The goodness of people is what stands out to her, which is why when she sees that there’s good traits in somebody, it’s hard for her to stop seeing them.

Which is why even now, she still likes Natsume. He hurt her, and he has very obvious bad traits, but because she’s seen the good ones, that’s what stands out to her. That’s why she’ll still like him going forward even if he never actually apologizes for what he’s said.

And she’s happy to see Hotaru be so open with her, to finally say out loud all the things Mikan already knew. Mikan is touched, especially to be included among the people Hotaru likes, and gets even more excited about saving Yuu’s alice.

One chapter, Natsume closes himself off, crushing her. The next, Hotaru opens up, and Mikan is incredibly happy as a result. 

But things go sideways very quickly: Hotaru is hearing commotion on her spying headphones, so she calls off their plan. They’re going to head back.They start to leave, but they’re encountered by the Z members, including the one who’d previously been captured by the academy. Hotaru freezes, but Mikan points out that she can see some teachers who might be able to help, bringing attention back to them.

Family reunion!

(Hotaru called her “Mikan,” which is why Yuka pays attention, because of course she knows that name, and which is why she approaches her. Yuka, who did everything in her power to make sure her daughter had a safe life away from the academy, has just discovered that Mikan somehow ended up at Alice Academy anyway. It’s only natural she would step closer.)

The woman reaches for Mikan, a Z member spots a security guard behind the kids, and Hotaru takes a bullet for Mikan.

I don't know how long the list is, but add another trauma!

It happens so quickly that it takes Mikan a moment to understand what has even happened, but it’s safe to say that when she processes that Hotaru has been shot, she is no longer over-the-moon happy.

Chapter Thirty-Two

When we see Mikan again, she looks unlike anything we’ve ever seen from her: she’s in a state of shock, frozen from witnessing her best friend take a bullet for her. Mikan is usually good at smiling and staying upbeat, but as I had pointed out at the beginning of this essay, she quickly starts experiencing traumatic events in rapid succession. She may be the most childish and cheerful girl around, but even she has her limits. 

Poor Mikan :(

So she doesn’t chat with the others when they come by, she doesn’t light up. She just calls out for Hotaru when she comes out of surgery. But even when the kids are allowed a few minutes with Hotaru before she’s put in an isolated room, Mikan doesn’t say much. She just stares, gloomy and dark, very much unlike her. She is blaming herself, aware that the bullet had been meant for her, aware that Hotaru sacrificed herself for her one more time. Hotaru, asleep, calls out for her parents, shocking Mikan even more. 

I like picking panels that include Natsume if I can help it.

Subaru coldly tells them to leave, that their presence isn’t helping, and that the virus she got from the bullet might kill her if they don’t find an antidote.

The hospital is full of Hotaru’s fans, and everyone around Mikan is crying. Even though she is obviously shocked, she doesn’t shed any tears or say much of anything. When Tono and Noda come by, she lets Tono pick her up and lets herself be comforted, but she still doesn’t cry or reply to anything that's said. She turns for a moment only when Noda tells Natsume that he’s been summoned for a DA meeting. She watches him leave and they share a look.

I analyzed this look from Natsume’s POV, that giving her a meaningful glance is really all he can offer in her time of need, but it’s also interesting from Mikan’s POV. He told her he hates her, and he obviously doesn’t care about Hotaru, so why is he even here? Why is he giving her a look? 

Mikan will continue to be confused by Natsume’s endless back-and-forth behavior for a long time, and this is only one example. If you’ve ever wondered how somebody could not see that Natsume was head-over-heels for her, all it takes is seeing that, from Mikan’s POV, this guy is anything but consistent. One minute he’s hanging out with her at the festival, the next he’s making fun of her, then he’s all soft and saying her name, then he’s ignoring her for weeks, then he’s telling her he straight up hates her, then he’s giving her meaningful looks. It doesn’t make any sense! Natsume has always been a conundrum to her, a puzzle with almost all the pieces missing, and it’s still the case now.

The scene moves on quickly though, because Hotaru has woken up, and she has something to say to Mikan: telling her she’s ugly, to wipe that look off her face, to not worry about her. To smile.

I can see a complex forming fast...

We join Mikan again outside, with Ruka and Yuu catching up with her, and we finally see her say what she’s been thinking out loud. Hotaru doesn’t talk about the things that bother her. Mikan is loud about wanting to see Jii-chan again. She complains about things and makes sure everyone knows what she’s feeling. But Hotaru keeps that to herself. She wasn’t only trying to get the best student award to see Mikan after all; she loves her family too and now that she’s on her death bed, all she wants is to see her parents. Hotaru is cool and confident, usually blank-faced, but she’s still a little girl, and little girls cry out for Mommy and Daddy when they’re hurt. Mikan has never seen that side of her before, and is shocked. 

That’s how bad things are, Mikan explains, that Hotaru (who never complains or lets on that she’s in pain) is crying out for her parents. And EVEN WITH THAT, she’s more concerned about Mikan than herself.

Mikan finally breaks down, crying for the first time since Hotaru has been shot, and she feels guilty for it. Hotaru tells her to smile (out of good intentions), to not worry, because she finds strength in Mikan’s positivity. If even Mikan can’t smile, then the situation seems all the more dire. And she wants Mikan to be able to smile, to not be sad. She is worrying for Mikan, but Mikan can only think that she’s messing up somehow by crying, that she’s weak for shedding tears. She wants to be strong, like Hotaru is.

I’ve mentioned this before, in the introductory arc, where Mikan started developing complexes about being useless, about being weak. When she first ran away to the academy, she was trying to be selfless, to sacrifice something, but she ended up (in her own view) putting her friends in danger and inconveniencing everyone. She doesn’t ever recognize her own strength, her own sacrifices that she’s already made. She views strength as eternal smiles and no shed tears, but that’s not what strength is. She berates herself for crying when Hotaru is going through worse, but pain isn’t a competition. Hotaru might be in pain, but so is Mikan. She should cry if she wants to. 

Not only is this not right, but also Hotaru being blank-faced isn't what makes her strong. I think Hotaru could probably afford to be a little more upfront about her feelings, sure, but she seems to know when to be serious and when to tease. She thinks of other people, the ones she cares about. She is confident and sure of herself and her abilities. Her lack of tears isn't what makes her strong, in other words. Mikan has her own strength to, but struggles to see it. Additionally, she seems to think she can be as strong and secure and mature as she wants without going through the necessary life experience needed to reach that level. We'll get into that later.

This is further evidence of that complex she will only continue to develop. Just like Natsume has a martyr complex, a trait that seems noble on the surface but is in reality dangerous and unhealthy, Mikan also has a trait like that. Mikan sees herself as useless. The only thing that seems to have value is her smile. People find strength from it, so if that’s all she can bring to the table, then why would she ever let it leave her face?

She’s told (I think by Tono) that she’ll be strong like Hotaru some day--which is kind, but also missing the point a little. Ruka comforts her, hugging her. They are like souls, too. Mikan wants to take on all of Hotaru’s pain as her own. Ruka wants to do the same for Natsume. Mikan doesn’t want to be a burden on Hotaru. Ruka doesn’t want to be a burden on Natsume. Mikan wants to smile for Hotaru, to not cry anymore. Ruka promised Natsume that he wouldn’t smile if Natsume couldn’t smile. So he understands better than anyone what she’s struggling with right now.

And maybe that makes them a little bit of a bad influence on each other (again, they are kids; so I’m not calling anything problematic or toxic because all kids are messes learning how to live). They see their friends suffer and they want to be stronger for them, which is good, but both Ruka and Mikan are selfless to a fault too. They don’t value their own pain as something worth crying over. They make promises they shouldn’t keep (to always smile, to never smile) which will only cause unnecessary guilt in the future. 

I love this moment of connection between them.

But they’re also good influences on each other too. They’re able to support each other because they get it. So there’s really nobody better to comfort Mikan now, because every word out of her mouth is something Ruka has thought about Natsume, because he’s been in her position before many times. 

Chapter Thirty-Three

Mikan isn’t taken to her dorm like she’s supposed to be; instead they all go to the SA classroom. Tono puts it best: she shouldn’t be alone right now when she needs support. Misaki is most supportive, making her a hot drink and sympathizing with her plight. Mikan is still in tears, still crying over her friend. Tono muses about a tunnel in the senior division that might lead to a wormhole (in other words, a possible key to saving Hotaru and getting Yuu’s alice back). Mikan clings to this hope, suddenly cheered up with the idea that there’s something she can do to help Hotaru.

Tono tries to backtrack, but when Mikan starts crying over the fact that he would like in her time of need, he finds he can’t. Her classmates come in too, and the issue of this tunnel is suddenly the subject of debate. They argue back and forth on how reckless the idea is, but Mikan holds firm: she and Hotaru promised that they’d save Yuu’s alice, and Hotaru is in trouble now, so she wants to do something to help. Mikan, who always feels useless, wants to prove herself. She wants to be strong like Hotaru. So far, Hotaru has been the one breaking the rules to help Yuu (controlling Narumi, ditching the teachers, etc.), something Mikan admired. Now it’s her turn to break the rules and save the day. 

Ruka can connect to Mikan's speech because he's been there, but there's a sentiment that also connects Mikan to Natsume in his eyes as well. With that in mind, he has to support her.

And Ruka is touched by her speech, because he’s always felt that way about Natsume, so it makes sense that he’d be the first person to volunteer to help her. Mikan is moved, because support means her plan might make sense to somebody other than her. But then Natsume volunteers too, and that’s entirely out of left field.

Natsume, who is always cynical and jaded, who seems to think that everything is stupid or a bad idea, is on her side. Remember that the last thing he told her was that he hates everything about her, that he wants her to stay away. Here he is now, volunteering to spend more time with her, saying that he prefers her plan to sitting around and doing nothing. WISHY WASHY MESS.

Mikan's like "????????"

Mikan is understandably surprised, and they share one more look. Sure, he’s not smiling. Sure, there’s no apology or sweet words. But he’s picking her side and that means something. Even Mikan can tell this means he must not hate everything about her.

So Tono gives in and the plan takes off. The kids are gonna sneak into the high school division to find the tunnel by eating Gulliver candies.

Chapter Thirty-Four

They create substitutes and alibis for their absences going forward and then it’s done. The plan is already in motion, even if Tsubasa is against it. 

Mikan is the first to join Tono and Tsubasa after eating the candy, suddenly fifteen! But just because she’s fifteen on the outside doesn’t mean she’s any more mature on the inside. She still doesn’t understand Tono’s perverted comments.

She’s awestruck to see how Natsume and Ruka have changed, though. It’s so bizarre to see them grown up that she feels like she’s going crazy. We can assume that she thinks they’re cute, because she’s blushing and freaking out, which is fun to see because Mikan didn’t seem to really understand why someone would have a crush on Natsume after finding out he’s a jerk. She knows he’s a jerk, and yet!

Mikan and her weakness for beautiful people...

Then she trips and he catches her, and the moment is sweet for a bit. First, he tags along to the hospital to see her. Then he joins her team. Now he’s catching her! It seems like he really wasn’t telling the whole truth when he said he hated her. The pieces don’t fit properly, but she’s happy that he doesn’t seem to really hate her. So she blushes again! Because she really hadn’t been expecting kindness from him after Chapter Thirty. Plus he’s not bad-looking as a teenager--

And then he feels her up. Nevermind!

They bicker and fight (and Tsubasa points out that all three of the kids are completely unchanged on the inside even if they look grown up) and it’s the first time they’ve really done so since the culture fest. I said in Natsume’s essays that he must be relieved by that because it’s all he can reasonably expect from her at this point, but I think she must be relieved in some way too. She’s bickered and argued with Natsume plenty in the story so far. She started liking him, but they were still bickering. Then all of a sudden he was ignoring her. They weren’t even fighting--they weren’t talking at all. Being able to argue with him and having him bicker back must be a relief. It’s a sign, along with all the stuff I mentioned above, that Natsume might be back to normal.

It's so funny that Mikan only pauses fighting with Natsume to climb up the pothole and then she goes right back to it. She must have really missed this!

They sneak onto the high school division campus and instantly face obstacles like angry, sentient statues with violence issues and annoying hall monitors. They’ve been doing a good job blending in, but then Mikan swallows her candy. 

She calls out to Ruka for help. He’s the nicest guy among them really, and the least likely to yell at her or call her an idiot for messing up. She’s right (and wrong) to ask him for help. He’s only concerned and immediately tries to help, telling her to hide out of sight while he asks for assistance. But Ruka doesn’t know the high school division any better than she does, so he messes up too, getting them trapped in a zero-gravity chamber. Mikan cries out for help from her senpais, and they do, Tono amplifying Tsubasa’s alice so he can yank them out of the chamber. 

But both Mikan and Ruka appear in front of the high-schoolers as children once more. They get caught by a hall monitor with the ice alice and now all the kids are stuck and even Natsume has swallowed his candy (they are all so cute with their baggy clothes ;-;). Mikan calls for her senpai for help, but it’s surprisingly Natsume who saves them, using his alice to melt the ice.

You’d think that, being stuck in ice, she’d first think of Natsume, the fire Alice, for help. But she’s still angry at him, and he’s so rarely kind, especially lately, that asking him for help doesn’t even occur to her. He’s so far not given her much of a reason to.

But he does save them, and Mikan looks at him differently. He was saving himself too, but he also saved her. Not to repeat myself for the nth time, but he keeps acting contrary to what he’d said before, and she keeps being surprised. 

Always pay attention to sparkly panels!

It would be one thing if he suddenly changed and was nice after claiming he hates her. That’s not what happened. He’s not nice. Everytime he does something kind, he balances it out with something mean. She doesn’t know what to think of him, but so far on this trip he’s been more helpful than antagonistic, and she has been keeping track.

Chapter Thirty-Five

There is so much PLOT and INFO and LORE here in this arc that I’ll either skim or skip, depending on how relevant it is for character and relationship growth. Just keep that in mind.

The group manages to find the only people who might know about the tunnel: Sakurano and Subaru, who are never seen apart, like life partners or boyfriends or something. Mikan pleads with them to help, taking responsibility for all the broken rules. Natsume might be a good talker, somebody who knows exactly what to share and when to hold back (an excellent negotiator), but Mikan is all heart. She’s not smart, but she feels immensely, so she interrupts with an emotional request that they help out of the kindness of their hearts, because Yuu and Hotaru need it. 

When Sakurano rejects her, she gets angry, asking Subaru how he could watch his sister struggle and not do anything about it. Usually, these emotional requests aren’t as successful in bargains as Natsume’s approach of playing with power imbalance. But Mikan isn’t trying to manipulate anybody; she’s sincere and earnest, and that’s why her approach works. She wants Subaru to care about Hotaru, so she says it out loud. She wants Sakurano to help because it’s the right thing to do, so she says so.

"I want to believe you care, that you're worried about her too." Don't mind me. I struggle with not talking MORE about the Imai siblings. I'm holding back, I promise.

Sakurano concedes that he’ll help them, even though it could get him and Subaru in trouble, but only if this isn’t just a bare-bones move of desperation. Natsume boasts about his credentials, that the plan will go smoothly because he’s part of it--and also Ruka. He turns to Mikan, because this is her idea, and he asks about her. 

This is maybe the first time that someone has looked to Mikan and asked what she would contribute. People chat with her, sure, and how she feels has weight and all that. That’s not what I’m talking about. People underestimate Mikan (and have been this whole arc, actually), with Tono and Tsubasa dismissing her idea to save Hotaru, Sumire shutting her plan down, and her own self-doubts putting into question whether she can actually help anyone. It was only when Ruka and Natsume signed on to her plan that she was taken seriously. Sakurano and Subaru had up to this point dismissed all of them as naive little children. But Natsume is looking to her now, because this was her plan from the start, and whatever ideas she has should be heard. This is her mission. She should have a say. What role does she want to play here?

Something something viewing her as an equal with something to contribute or whatever.

I talked about how Natsume stressing that Ruka would be just as instrumental and beneficial to the cause as him was a way of calling Ruka his equal. But he’s doing that now with Mikan too. This is important! Natsume, who has just shown off how instrumental he'll be to this mission, expects she'll be helpful too. It means a lot, especially coming from him. Mikan hasn’t really ever had people expecting things from her before, so she’s taken aback, but she eventually concludes that what she can do best is use her alice to protect her friends. She’s expected to participate equally, so she puts herself on the line. She still doesn’t value her alice as much as she should, but she knows that smiles won’t help here, and nullification is the only other thing she feels she can offer.

So that’s that. They go to the tunnel and somehow all her teammates go in before her. That’s how committed they all are to her cause. Natsume goes in without question, and Ruka follows after, determined. Tono gives Mikan his alice stone right before she can disappear. 

In the final seconds before she goes through the tunnel, she can see Subaru looking at her, like he wants to say something. He doesn’t know much about his sister. So far, he’s spent more time healing her unconscious body in the hospital than he’s spent actually talking to her. He wants to see her get better too. Mikan wanted him to be more than what Hotaru had assumed, that he wasn’t just a cold robot devoid of all humanity, that he cared for his sister somehow. He does want her to save Hotaru, to find the antidote. (Subaru is a lot like Natsume in that way; acting like he cares could put Hotaru in danger. And he’s also like Hotaru, since he acts aloof around her even once they start getting closer.) This is not relevant except that I love Subaru and Hotaru’s sibling bond so I wanted to ramble. Moving on.

Conclusion

Or... I'll be moving on in the next part, which I will probably post tomorrow! These chapters are very exciting, but heavier in lore than in relationship analysis.

In this part, we discussed Mikan's new mission: not just to save Hotaru and Iinchou, but to become stronger. Additionally, Natsume had been backtracking from his insistence that he hates everything about her. He has so far, right after saying he hates her, been on her side all day.

In the next part, we'll see the Z Arc continue and be able to compare how Mikan imagines this mission to go and how it really goes down. She'll see a little bit more of how different Natsume is from the rest of them, and her feelings will only get stronger!

ALSO, happiest of birthdays to @crimsoncitrus , a very good friend and an awesome person to know!

Anyway, I'm gonna go earn $100 now. :)

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 31)

Today we'll get to the end of Mikan's Very Bad Day, an arc that hasn't shown us much happiness and won't start now. It can always get worse! There's a bit of NatsuMikan to hold us over though, so not everything is gray and gloomy.

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Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Five

As Mikan and Ruka approach the agreed-upon rendezvous spot, Mikan sends more telepathic assurances to her mother, her desire to see her, her wish for her to stay safe. She also seems to connect telepathically with Natsume for a moment, hearing him call her name.

Unfortunately, they’re ambushed by pursuers which neither of them is prepared to take on. Mikan’s alices are not particularly offensive and Ruka dislikes using animals for violence, even if he weren’t absolutely exhausted by the use of the foreign barrier alice, which isn’t powerful enough to ward off so many attacks at once.

Thankfully, they have a savior, and when they teleport one more time, they can see him, covered in cuts and bruises and wounds, standing over a pile of enemies: Natsume.

Love.

She calls out to him, because even though she’s happy to see him again when she thought she’d never see him again, she still has no clue why he’d be here when he’s supposed to be with Tono and Tsubasa.

They can’t be together forever like they want. They can’t avoid being separated. But he’ll always protect her. 

Mikan isn't a supporter of violence. We will see the extent to this belief later when she talks with Persona. She's protested the physical hurting of others, even in self-defense, preferring escape over fighting. And Natsume is covered in wounds, standing over the fallen bodies of their enemies, all for her sake, and instead of scolding him or demanding to know what happened, she is filled with affection, with love. Everything Natsume has done tonight has been an act of love for her, including this, and she knows it.

He calls out to her too and she rushes into his arms. Who cares why he’s here? Who cares what he's just done? He’s here. He's alive.

She embraces him, wounds and all, surrounded by bodies on all sides, despite the blood. What he's done has never mattered less. All she cares about is that she can see him again. She doesn't want to be separated from him, doesn't want to leave him. She loves him.

This is perhaps the first time that Mikan initiates an affectionate touch with Natsume. He's usually the one leading in their relationship, both with verbalizing his feelings and with physical touch (and this will be important later, too). Mikan has held back, through her fear of Natsume not reciprocating, of him laughing at her, and also her refusal to accept her own love for him. Now she knows she loves him and he loves her, and they might not ever see each other again.

This hug is the best ever.

He knows now and she knows now and in any other story this would be a happy moment, a moment when they can finally be together. Instead, it only tastes bittersweet: reciprocated feelings that they can’t do anything with. This is still a good-bye.

And he promises not to leave her side until the very last moment and Mikan, again keeping her thoughts unspoken, agrees. “Me too.” Again, “I don’t want to be apart from Natsume.” She doesn’t say it out loud even though he just did. She keeps it all to herself because this moment is already painful enough, and I think saying it would just make it all the heavier.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Six

After a very long night, Mikan and Yuka have finally reunited. They call out to each other. Mikan has seen everything. She knows everything now. They might have communicated a little through the telepathy, but Yuka is still hesitant. She still remembers that Mikan swore never to forgive her, that she refused to leave with her. She stays still.

It’s Mikan who rushes forward, who embraces her, who reassures her that she loves her too. And, finally, Yuka hugs her daughter too. Mikan says everything she’s been anxious to say all night: she’s missed her, she’s sorry, she loves her, she wants to go with her, and that they’ll always be together from now on. 

She does say “I love you,” to her mother.

Mikan will lead the way in her relationship with Yuka because Yuka is still hesitant and nervous. She usually leads in her relationships. She's rarely led with Natsume...

(Further proof that it’s different. She said it to Hotaru because she’s said it often to Hotaru and always meant it. She says it now to her mom because Yuka needs to hear it and because this is the start of something, not the end. She didn’t say it to Natsume because it is the end, and she doesn���t know how to cope with that loss, something she’s resisted this whole manga. Her love for Natsume is simply different, scarier maybe than the other kinds, which is why it's harder for her to actually say it out loud.)

They are confronted by Luna and the fuukitai, leading to a further chase. Mikan wishes Yuka and Luna would make up, that they could rekindle their friendship. Somewhere, in Mikan’s head, she still believes that happy endings can and should happen, that things can work out, that burnt bridges can be rebuilt, that she and her mother can live a happy life together, that things will work out, that a sick boy won’t die before she can see him again. But things don’t work out that way most of the time. Tonight is no exception; sometimes things suck.

This is so amusing to me. Everything is about Natsume.

Despite all the attacks, Natsume keeps his promise and protects Mikan. Even though she is initially attacked with Narumi holding her, Natsume is the one she gravitates toward. His is the hand she holds. Together, they move on, not letting go of each other. Mikan internally mourns the inevitable farewell. She will have to say good-bye to everyone, will have to come to terms that they can’t all accompany her and her mother outside. But she is comforted by Ruka’s reassurance that Natsume will find her again, no matter what. 

But Mikan wants her happy ending, and nothing she chooses will lead to that. She must come to terms with the fact that this ending will be bittersweet and can’t be anything else. She will be with her mother but will leave all her friends. This is the end of those fond happy times she wishes she could go back to. 

Tsubasa arrives with the key, finally giving Yuka and Mikan the means to leave safely together. It’s time, and the good-byes will be quick again because there won’t be long before they get sucked away into the warp hole. The moment goes by slowly, but it does go, and when it does, it’s not any good.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Seven

The door explodes and rubble flies all over, catching everyone in the explosion, but only Yuka and Narumi are really injured, seeing as they were right by the door. Narumi is mostly fine and gets up without much problem, but Yuka had shielded him with her body, taking the brunt of the blast, leaving her in critical condition. Nobody watching is okay with this (including me).

Mikan runs to her mother, desperate to save her. Sweet Natsume wastes no time before he grabs his healing alice and hands it to Mikan. She quickly inserts it, but it’s not enough. Yuka wakes up, but is still clearly weak. She caresses Mikan’s face and they hug.

Even Luna is horrified and when the fuukitai scramble to help, she releases her hold on her alice to let them assist Yuka. Mikan wanted them to make up, after all.

Yuka’s last words are an apology to Luna. Then she dies.

;-;

Mikan shouts for her mother, but she doesn’t wake up again. She couldn’t save her father before, and she can’t save her mother now. Mikan loses both of her parents in one night. Loss. It’s more than a threat now. The difference is that she knew Izumi would die, although she hated that fact. She could prepare for it somehow. But Mikan hadn’t expected this, could never have anticipated this. She had been planning to stay by her mother’s side forever, for them to make a life together, to be as happy as they could living a life on the run. 

Her happy ending is crumbling.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Eight

Mikan had expected a lifetime with her mom, not five minutes.

She’s not even given the chance to properly grieve before the ESP comes, proud of his work. Mikan is quickly captured by Goshima, who had disguised himself as Tsubasa. Betrayal is a theme in this chapter, where Luna realizes the ESP is capable of worse than she’d imagined, where Mikan realizes not everyone she calls friend truly is one.

Mikan is shocked by the ESP’s malice, that he intended for Yuka to die. He only needs one stealing Alice after all. She never tolerates evil, is always repulsed by it. The ESP is the worst of any villain she’s come across so far, entirely self-serving, wicked, yet powerful. He feels no remorse, not even now. And we already know Mikan can empathize with almost anyone; but not with the malicious. And this is the most malicious villain she's ever come upon.

Natsume as a villain was tough to deal with and infuriating. He was certainly capable of being dangerous and scary, but he wasn't motivated by malice, and once Mikan started to see good in him, he was no longer her villain. Reo and other Z members were willing to kidnap and trade children, but they were maybe motivated by noble prospects like defeating corrupt institutions like the Academy, which could maybe soften the extent of their evil actions. Even Persona and Luna were simply acting on orders, motivated by loyalty.

But the ESP is purely motivated by self-interest, by the desire to empower himself. If others suffer in the process of him gaining power, then that's a price he's willing to pay. And of all the villains she's come across, this is the one she cannot forgive, cannot understand, cannot empathize with. He is the worst one, the big bad, you might say.

I love a lot of characters and relationships in this manga, but NatsuMikan just drives me crazy and consumes most of my attention and energy, sorry. Though, maybe y'all relate a little since you're willing to read so much of my unhinged thoughts on them. Yikes.

The ESP doesn’t care about Mikan needing to grieve. He wants her taken to him, which spurs Natsume’s defense, because he made a promise after all. But the fire can’t reach the ESP, who is guarded by a barrier at all times. Mikan is visibly concerned with Natsume's condition since he used so much of his alice in vain. Things get worse and worse, with the ESP ordering the capture of the others too. 

Until Shiki effortlessly shatters his barrier while he gently lifts up Yuka’s body. Shiki refuses to hand over Yuka, to concede anything to him. Mikan is able to rejoin her friends, but then the academy is invaded by Z. The school is under threat now, with all the students in danger. The MSP is out of commission and the ESP must choose a successor right now to take over the barrier duty.

The ESP is faced with an ultimatum: accept Shiki’s conditions or face the destruction of the school, with Shiki leaving the school with Mikan the way Yuka had planned.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Nine

Shiki’s ultimatum is harsh and even though the ESP hates it, there’s little he can do to complain. To Mikan, it seems too harsh, and if the ESP doesn’t choose quickly, the students who haven’t done anything wrong could be in serious danger. She pleads with Shiki to save the school, whether the ESP agrees to the conditions or not. For all of the academy’s corruption and danger, it’s still the place she calls home. She doesn’t want to watch it be destroyed. 

The ESP agrees to everything except for one condition. 

The next thing we see is the return of a strong barrier protecting the school, so Shiki and the ESP must have come to some sort of agreement. 

The ESP just couldn’t hand over Mikan. That was the one part he couldn’t agree to. 

Here it is, Mikan, your sacrifice.

In order to save the school and the friends she loves, Mikan sacrificed her freedom.

At the beginning of the manga, Mikan wished she could be strong, that she could be able to sacrifice something for the people she loves. Tonight, she fully realizes that dream. Even though Shiki feels like he failed Yuka and apologizes to Mikan, she only smiles and thanks him for helping the school after all. She had known before this moment that she would be saying good-bye to her friends tonight, but she didn’t know it would be like this, that she would be separated from them all while staying on the same campus, that she’d be isolated and essentially imprisoned.

On New Year's, Mikan called herself selfish for protecting her friends and getting attacked by Persona's alice. She's always wished for something like this. She's likely upset to be at the ESP's mercy, to be separated from her friends, but the ability to sacrifice herself for the good of others is something she's always wanted. In a messed up way, this is her getting a dream come true.

What did we say summer represented last year? Summer is symbolic of love, passion, and liberty, of exploration and burgeoning adulthood.

Mikan has, just in this one night, been confessed to quite a bit, witnessed her parents’ love story, acted out of love for her parents and all her friends, and even finally admitted her own love for Natsume. She has matured since last summer and is now able to make a huge sacrifice the way she’d always hoped to be able to. Perhaps, even, she’s come to realize that, despite how noble it is to sacrifice something, there’s no reason to wish for it. She’s matured a lot, even in one night, having witnessed countless traumas, including the deaths of her parents, the forced separation from her friends, and more fighting than anyone would care to see. She has given up her liberty for the sake of the school, leaving her in the ESP’s custody. This is a new beginning for Mikan, just like last year was. This one night changes everything. 

Though she will stay on the campus of the school she loves so much, she will not be able to see her friends at all and will be forced to deal with the ESP, the man who murdered both her parents and hurt everyone she cares about, often. 

But, as we all well know, it can always get worse.

Conclusion

We're finished with Mikan's Very Bad Day Arc! Though she'd anticipated a bittersweet ending for this night, it turns out things can always be worse, so "bittersweet" turns into "bad".

Going forward, Mikan will be isolated from her friends and Natsume, but that doesn't mean she's stopped thinking about them.

I hope y'all enjoyed this essay. I'm getting more and more tired with each post. I have no idea how many posts I can promise but, it's looking like it might be close to 40 total.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 29)

I cut this up strangely. This arc is a mess and I'm tired.

Today, we're back to the chaos of the Escape Arc or High School Arc or Mikan's Very Bad Day or the Events Arc (where a bunch of things happen one after another and poor Anya has no chance to analyze any of it) or whatever you want to call it. Mikan needs to reunite with her mom tonight, so she and her band of rebels will use foreign alices in order to fight their enemies and help her escape.

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Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Four

They return from their trip to see the HSP’s office empty and ransacked. They returned an hour after they left, meaning that a lot went down during that time. There’s a lot to do now, starting with tracking down everyone who is missing from the office, including Yuka. 

Oh so cute and sad.

Hayami appears to give some news, as he always does, telling them that the ESP is searching for Mikan and her mother. This mention of her mother reminds Mikan of the last thing Yuka heard her say, that she didn’t want to leave with her and that she was a bad person. Mikan is consumed with guilt that she can’t instantly apologize for what she said. She doesn’t like that Yuka has to wait before knowing the truth: that Mikan loves her and wants to be with her.

The situation is dire and Natsume stresses the importance of making sure Mikan escapes the school with Yuka as their main priority. Mikan is surprised by this since there’s important people who are missing, some of whom have even been captured, like Subaru. But Natsume says the same thing Noda had said before, that getting Yuka and Mikan away from the ESP is a priority in order to keep everyone safe. They can handle the other stuff later. And then he says, one more time, that he’ll protect her, no matter what happens. 

Mikan reacts only thinking his name, and I think that’s her allowing herself the smallest rush of affection for a night that will be stressful and chaotic, when she has already decided that she can’t look too closely at her feelings right now. 

This page will ALWAYS be famous.

The moment passes though, because there’s not much time. Everyone else sides with Natsume, agreeing to prioritize Mikan’s safety and escape with Yuka. Mikan is outvoted. Their mission now is clear.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Five

Mikan and company are on the run from the fuukitai, but they run into Goshima, a (supposedly) friendly face, who is here to give some information. The rest of the adults from the HSP’s office have scattered, with Subaru getting captured by the ESP. The plan now is for Yuka and Mikan to rendezvous to the warp-hole and escape together that way.

Mikan squeezing the letter... I'm going to pass away.

In the meantime, Yuka has left alice stones for Mikan, suspecting that Mikan might have the insertion alice as well. Mikan, excited to see her mother again, is touched to receive the letter. So far, her experiences watching Yuka in the time trip involved only one-sided communication, with Mikan simply witnessing Yuka’s life. They haven’t had the chance to truly talk yet, and this letter is one little taste of having her mother speak to her. She seems to treasure the letter, especially relieved that her mother is safe for now. 

But Mikan is still concerned about what might happen if she doesn’t have the insertion alice after all. Just like Yuka was anxious to try inserting alices into Himemiya without a clue if she had the ability to do so, Mikan feels put on the spot and worried, nervous that she might ruin things if she doesn’t have the ability. But while she worries, Tono sticks an alice stone in her mouth. She freaks out, naturally, because she wouldn’t have been expecting that, and also I think because, as we discussed from Chapter 77 on, Mikan is more aware of Tono’s occasionally sleazy behavior. She is no longer oblivious to that side of him and so she seems just as violated as everyone else for her sake.

But Tono asserts that he did it to amplify her potential insertion alice and give her a helpful push into awakening a previously dormant alice.

Turns out he’s right and Mikan gets to work inserting alices into her friends. She recalls Narumi’s advice that her alice can be helpful or harmful depending on her intentions, and that the key is to love and appreciate your own alice. She decides to believe in her alice and the alice she shares with her mother in order to be helpful.

My love of GA and Mikan as a character versus my dislike of Mikan having the Stealing Alice even though that's a plot point for more than half the manga... Am I the problem? No... it's the stealing alice that is wrong...

It’s not important but I really don’t like Mikan having the stealing/insertion alice. From here on out her nullification is pretty much entirely brushed aside. Mikan has, for most of the manga, felt dearly insecure about her nullification alice for not being useful enough or flashy enough or impressive enough to compare to her classmates’. She never got over this insecurity, which was a huge part of her arc, and now it’s entirely overshadowed by the stealing alice (and its twin, the insertion alice), which is useful and flashy and impressive all at once, with its only drawback being its taboo reputation. The narrative regarding her arc remains the same, with instances like this harkening to Narumi’s famous words reminding us that Mikan doesn’t always like her alice, potentially distracting us from the reality that Mikan’s feelings about the stealing alice and the nullification alice are completely different. Long story short, I don’t like the narrative about the stealing alice or the way it effectively sidelined her nullification alice. Poor nullification alice… you’ll always be my favorite.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Six

Mikan has inserted many alice stones into her friends. She has inserted into herself the teleportation alice stone, since she can resonate well with it. It is her mother’s alice, after all. She is happy to have the same alice as her mother for the time being, eager to connect with her in any way she can.

She is also exceedingly convinced she has inserted into herself some sort of stone for telepathy, because she feels like she can hear her mother’s voice, though she refrains from voicing this suspicion out loud to anyone.

I love how important multiple relationships are in GA, how large Mikan's heart is and how many people she loves (I ignore the finale chapter because it's stupid and garbage).

Their situation becomes complicated when the group realizes there’s a traitor on their side. The fuukitai pursuers find them and they are saved by Natsume’s alice. They are all forcibly separated for the time being, with Natsume staying behind with Tsubasa to fight off the pursuers. Mikan doesn’t want to separate but she can’t have what she wants tonight, not really for anything.

It seems like the best idea, until Tono suggests Noda take the enemies into time-space for the time being.

Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Seven

Tono convinces Noda to do as he requests and Noda is out of the running for a moment. (I know Tono suspects Noda is the traitor right now but I’m very amused by the knowledge that he is not, in fact, and just goes along with it anyway because he wants to help. Poor Noda.)

The issue of the traitor plaguing everyone’s minds is pretty significant because Mikan has always tried to heed Narumi’s advice from very early on in the manga, that she should find many friends to trust and cherish. The idea that one of those friends could have betrayed her is in direct contrast with Mikan’s worldview, particularly her black-and white view of people that I’ve described a few times so far. People are either good or bad. She can change her mind that a bad person is actually good, like with Natsume or Yuka, but she hasn’t actually changed her mind the other way around, that a person she cares for could be anything other than a great and trustworthy friend, let alone a traitorous enemy.

So even though Tono and the others start thinking hard about who is most suspicious, Mikan doesn’t work that way. She trusts wholeheartedly and is sad to see Noda go. But--again--there’s no time for thoughts or emotions because there’s more pursuers!

(I’m gonna be honest with y’all. This arc is exhausting. There’s so many revelations and no time to linger on any of them because there’s always something new happening on the next page. I understand this night is busy and chaotic and as a result Mikan has no time or energy to spend thinking about her feelings, not that she did that much anyway, but it’s hard for me. I am trying hard to write meaningful analysis with very little to work with. This is just an Events Arc, with things happening all the time but no introspection or time to let anything settle. Sigh.)

Mikan teleports away from the office with all of her friends, calling for her mother’s support as she does so. 

Mikan has the feeling that she is somehow telepathically communicating with her mother again, hearing Yuka’s voice softly in her head. Yuka can hear her too, and it’s the only thing tethering them at this moment as they work hard to reunite again. 

This is supposed to be a ship essay. I'm sorry.

Yuka’s voice gives her much-needed support because they manage to teleport into an ambush, surrounded on all sides by fellow students. They might not agree with the ESP, but they fight for him anyway, or else they risk becoming like the other part of the crowd, a large group of Luna’s specialty soul-sucked zombies. The crowd blames Mikan’s rebellion for this trouble and is more than willing to charge at her and her friends to punish them.

But Natsume creates what looks like a fire tornado, keeping the attackers at bay. Ruka protests, since some of the attackers are being controlled, and also since Natsume shouldn’t be using his alice so much if he’s sick. But Tsubasa is more distracted by Natsume’s new abilities with his fire, suggesting that he has Sakurano’s wish alice inserted into him. With this alice stone comes other abilities and Natsume summons all his allies closer, with only Mikan conveniently landing in his arms. He doesn’t waste time either. He tells Mikan exactly what to do and, flustered, she obeys, getting them all to teleport to a safer place.

I think Natsume is getting a bit bold since this is his last night with Mikan and he’s already gotten his biggest secrets off his chest. This new alice stone only gives him an extra boost. It’s just interesting the effect this boldness has on Mikan in particular. She spent much of their relationship thinking Natsume was much colder than he really was. Now that everything’s out in the open, he catches only her in an embrace, behavior that is so surprising it flusters her, and then immediately switches to bossing her around, keeping true to his original spirit and reminding her that he is indeed the same Natsume.

This is honestly one of my favorite pages in the whole manga, no joke. There's SO MUCH here.

He was hiding parts of himself, sure, but not everything has been a facade. It’s just interesting.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Eight

We finally get a quiet moment! Mikan is able to--due to Natsume’s bossy demand--teleport them to the woods where they can catch their breath for a minute. Ruka is revealed to have the barrier alice stone, which will come in handy. Meanwhile, Mikan decides to try out the new telepathy alice stone she suspects she possesses on Hotaru. 

When Hotaru responds, Mikan is happy to see that it’s true. It wasn’t just teleportation in Sakurano’s stone, but a little telepathy mixed in as well, giving her this highly convenient ability. This power doesn’t give her some upper hand against enemies or anything. It seems like she can only use it with people she cares about, like there needs to be some degree of resonance for their minds to connect, which is why she can communicate with Hotaru and her mother. Mikan doesn’t advertise this alice because it’s not necessarily useful for their goals right now, but…

Mikan shares that she’s been hearing a soft voice calling out to her, a sad and pained voice that she suspects is her mother’s. She blushes when she realizes she might be imagining it, or just hearing what she wants to hear, but Hotaru smiles and assures her that it is her mother calling for her. Mikan is happy to be validated in this way and holds onto Hotaru to confess that she wants to use this alice to communicate her feelings towards her mom--how sorry she is, how much she loves her, how much she wants to see her. And Hotaru assures her again: she can hear it.

My favorite Hotaru and Mikan moment in the whole manga. It's very soft and Hotaru reveals the softest parts of herself while Mikan lets herself be vulnerable about her mom. I love it.

It’s a very soft moment, where Mikan opens up with Hotaru about something that has nothing to do with the trouble at hand but is still weighing heavily on Mikan’s mind. And Hotaru doesn’t tease her or act detached the way she normally would. She is instead only kind, supportive, and reassuring, because she can see how embarrassed and insecure Mikan is to share these feelings, how badly she wants to believe she can communicate with her mom. Furthermore, Mikan is impatient to see her mother and this is what she needs to hold her over until they can finally see each other. She doesn’t want her mom to see her and be scared that Mikan hates her--she should know now, even when they’re separated, how loved she is.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Nine

The group is setting up to teleport again, but Nobara isn’t joining them. As they all disappear, Mikan hears Nobara thank her. Then they’re gone. 

Mikan insists on going back for Nobara, who is all on her own and probably in danger. Natsume stops her though, catching her by the arm. He says Nobara chose this, and that it doesn’t matter because their priority is still reuniting Mikan with Yuka. Nobara, who knows the DA class well, will confront them, and that helps their main goal of getting Mikan to escape that much easier. 

In this arc, Natsume is the voice of reason and Hotaru is the voice of soft reassurance. Meanwhile Ruka is defender of Mikan's agency! They all play an important emotional role for her tonight. Natsume will also play another role but not on purpose. We'll get into that later.

Mikan reluctantly agrees but tries to send well-wishes to Nobara. 

I think it’s very interesting that Natsume acts so consistently as the voice of reason for Mikan in this arc. He’s frequently the one stopping her and talking sense into her. He does it with compassion, but he doesn’t waste much time. And everytime he does this, Mikan understands. He is able to convince her. The roles Ruka, Hotaru, and Natsume are filling for Mikan right now are pretty interesting. Hotaru has been nothing but supportive and reassuring all night, Ruka has stood up for her and her agency, and Natsume talks sense into her and gets her moving. All of them have the same goal: to get Mikan out of the school with her mom. Natsume’s just very mission-oriented, as we know. He stays on task and he’s here to help Mikan do the same. That’s what she needs right now, too, even if it pains her to be separated from her friends, one by one.

Everyone is exhausted. Using foreign alices is draining. When they encounter the SA class, more bad news is shared since Misaki-senpai and many of their Class B friends have been captured by the ESP’s forces.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-One

The plot thickens!

Subaru has had his soul sucked by Luna. He is now mind-controlled on the enemy side. Mikan can see how upset this makes Hotaru. It’s not just a matter of somebody being mind-controlled, it’s Hotaru’s dear brother, right when they had made plans to start working on their sibling relationship in earnest. Mikan hates to see her friend upset so she decides to go into the fray, no matter the danger, to steal his alice and reunite the siblings.

An act of love!

Unfortunately, for all her gusto, Subaru unleashes his pain alice on her, inflicting her with agony and shattering her plans. And Subaru was used for a reason anyway, to trap Mikan into approaching him to save him. She’s saved by Jinno and Sakurano at the last moment, but the situation is still dire for Hotaru, who still has to watch her brother with his dull eyes, under Luna’s alice. 

Mikan is relieved to see Jinno, despite all he’s done so far, because she was touched to see how much he cared for her father. Again, Mikan is very much a black and white person. She rarely has conflicting feelings for people; they are either good or bad. Jinno made a good impression in the time trip despite being pretty terrible every other time, so he’s good in her book now.

They pressure Mikan and her group to leave, since they’ll handle this situation. But Mikan is one of the only two people with the stealing alice, the only known way to vanquish Luna’s alice. If Yuka or Mikan doesn’t help Subaru, there’s no way of making sure he can get back to normal. She’s reluctant to leave, but, yet again, there’s not much of a choice.

Another farewell.

But Hotaru is staying put, telling Mikan that she can’t leave, because she’d always regret it if she did. 

Conclusion

Things are happening! Things!

I'm tired and this Events Arc gets to me.

This has some NatsuMikan in it! But most of the NatsuMikan content of this arc will be in the next part. I tried going through my essay to see how many more parts you can expect. I came up with an estimate of 37 total parts. But that's a pretty conservative number on my part. I wanna think that highly of myself but... (Here's a summary of my personality and work ethic.) It'll probably be more parts because I'm a lazy and easily tired girl and I might not be able to do that much work for the next 9 days. We'll see how it goes.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 34)

Mikan is now officially engaged!

Sadly, this part is not about wedding planning, but about escaping her labyrinth prison and how she finds an unlikely ally in Persona. Today I'll be talking about hope, sacrifice, and forgiveness, and how Gakuen Alice's story fumbles and screws up these themes by elevating Mikan's character to mythic levels despite her being a traumatized little girl who needs therapy yesterday.

This is a long part, not because I wanted to analyze all the stuff happening here or because I'm really into the plot, but because I have serious beef and this is the perfect place to just voice my thoughts in one go.

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Chapter One Hundred and Fifty

Poor Mikan doesn’t show up very much in the chapters in between the Rapunzel arc and now. She’s been worried about Nobara for a moment, but not enough for me to be able to say anything meaningful about it.

So we join her now, when she gets a visit with Shiki, who looks at her wishlist for the future, thinking she was studying. It’s a sweet wishlist, where she thinks about all the fun stuff she’ll do with her friends once she’s free. And it’s nice that she imagines that once she’s free, everyone will be free. Because once the ESP is no longer a threat, maybe the school will be a better place for everyone, where they can all go on trips to the beach and she can take the train with Natsume when they go on dates (hopeless romantic Mikan strikes again). 

Yes, the train thing is cute, but I'm obsessed with the MARRIAGE note on the next page.

Mikan and her imagined happy endings, thinking of a bright and sweet future, thinking that anything is possible through will-power. She can’t imagine that things won’t work out. Of course they will; they have to!

But Shiki warns her that because Alices are national treasures, no matter if she’s graduated or free, it’s unlikely she’ll see the beach. But he saw the beach once with Yuka, one of the few little moments of freedom they shared, not bound by any rules or chains of any sort. 

Mikan’s never seen the beach, but Hotaru, Iinchou, and Natsume have, she says, and I like imagining this class conversation about the ocean. 

“That’s why I always tell everyone in class, that in the future, when the academy is at peace, and everyone is free to visit their family and go off campus… When that happens, I told them, ‘Let’s go to the beach.’”

Mikan believes in the “when,” not in “if.” She is sure this future will happen, and that sets her apart, always has. The other kids are still jaded, still skeptical about a future where everything works out for everyone. But Mikan can’t think like them, not even after all the trauma and hardships she’s endured… I think all those struggles further cemented her staunch belief in the happy ending. If she stops believing things will work out after all, it would crush and devastate her. She has to believe in happy endings, especially when it’s dark, because that’s how she keeps everything light.

What do you mean you "always tell" them? We've never seen this, but are told this is an important dream. Sloppy.

(The emphasis on the beach here seems strange since we've never seen such a conversation with Mikan and her classmates prior to this. I imagine Higuchi Tachibana was visualizing the ending already, and this conversation was key in making sure that actually meant something. Personally, it never really hit that hard because it relies on callbacks to thinks that are merely talked about instead of things we actually got to see ourselves. I'll analyze it, like I'm supposed to, but getting something so crucial to the ending so late in the game and with recall instead of an actual scene feels a little flat to me.)

She asks him about the little hubbub outside, like the academy is getting busy with something, and he tells her about the upcoming ESP-sponsored concert in Central Town. Shiki is hesitant to share this, but Mikan is instantly excited, ignoring the bit about the ESP. She wants to watch TV so asks him if she can, intent on having shared memories with everyone, even if she can’t see them in person. He hesitates, because it’s a Reo concert and he knows it’ll be a disaster of epic proportions because something huge is bound to happen, but he agrees anyway. 

He’s evasive, saying he won’t be attending the concert either, but Mikan doesn’t pay him much mind. She’s way more interested in the idea that she might see some familiar faces in the audience. I’m so happy Mikan still has the energy to get so excited about little things. I think it’s also an interesting shift from how she felt about the Christmas Ball broadcast. She didn’t like that much because she was separated from everyone and wanted to join them. But she doesn’t say anything like that about the concert broadcast. She’s okay with not being with them as long as she can watch with them. I think her meeting with Natsume energized her and gave her a needed boost. She feels a little less lonely and is now just excited to maybe see a friend on her TV.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Five

Mikan spent a couple chapters staring at a TV in horror, but she’s finally doing something I can analyze! Because an attempt was made on his life, the ESP claims that the treaty between him and Shiki is broken; thus, he now feels entitled to full custody of Mikan. As a result, the fuukitai are outside of her door, threatening her to exit her room. But somehow, Nobara is there…

Mikan doesn’t have to worry about the fuukitai for the moment because the DA class is helping her out. So she can focus on Nobara and the fact that she’s transparent, causing Mikan to think this is her soul rather than an actual corporeal Nobara. Nobara smiles and thanks Mikan, tearing up. This is not just a random visit; Nobara is saying good bye. For good.

The DA class bursts in, horrified to see their friend there because it means she’s about to die. After all, her heart stopped. 

This puts Mikan in a rather precarious situation. The agreement between the ESP and Shiki has always been shaky, but now that the ESP is claiming custody and Shiki’s custody relies on no violations on his end, whether or not Mikan can or should act is up in the air. Mikan has always been the only one who had any real shot of saving Nobara, and now that situation is more dire than ever. If Mikan doesn’t help her now, her friend will die. 

I don't remember how I felt reading these chapters the first time. I kinda wish I did. Alas.

But Mikan doesn’t make that choice either way, because as she rushes to grab hold of a fading Nobara, she vanishes. Without meaning to, she has teleported to Nobara’s real body, where Subaru and Sakurano are desperately trying to save her. Going through the barrier has messed her up a bit physically, and if the agreement was uncertain before, it’s definitely broken now. The ESP certainly will retaliate. But she can’t go back now that she’s already here. She rushes to Nobara’s side and steals Persona’s alice, knowing full well she is essentially trading what little freedom she has left for Nobara’s life.

We further see Mikan’s wish to be able to sacrifice for her loved ones here. She willingly breaks the agreement and uses her alice to save Nobara. But it’s not even treated like a choice, because it’s not one. Mikan doesn’t choose to save people; she just does it, like it’s the only thing she can do. I don’t think Mikan is thinking much about any alternatives in this moment because in her mind there aren’t any. Just like she had no choice but to go back for Natsume in the Z Arc, Mikan saves Nobara’s life, simply because. There is no other choice for her. 

And of course, the ESP instantly finds out and orders her arrest. Mikan doesn’t have much time left.

Realizing the gravity of this situation and that it’s done no matter what, Subaru and Sakurano decide to help her. 

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Six

Mikan cries as she tries to help Nobara, thinking hard about how she doesn’t want to see anymore people die. Mikan has, in a very short period of time, had to watch her parents be murdered. This is a grief that is still fresh and that she hasn’t had time or opportunity to properly process. She is not emotionally capable of coping with further loss. But just because the year has reset doesn’t mean that ESP’s warning from last year has any less potency now: she should still be careful not to lose anything. 

After all, we’re in winter again. And what did winter mean?

“[W]inter represents sorrow, struggle, and of course death.”

You don't wanna see people die anymore? What about one more person. Just one casualty. Just the one.

You might ask why winter must be associated with death, why I’m making these claims about universal season symbolism, but there’s a reason why these meanings persist throughout cultures and throughout the great expanse of time. Winter is harsh and unforgiving. People die of hypothermia, of starvation, of infection. Historically, winter had nothing to offer; it was the annual arrival of burden. It’s a necessary evil, one might argue, since the snow helps the crops when it melts in the spring, but not everyone is able to live through the frost. There are very few plants that can survive the bite of winter. It’s not really the season of babies, or growth, or love, or harvest. It’s just death. Just loss. Just struggle.

(Besides, a year can often represent a person's lifespan, with spring being childhood, summer young adulthood, autumn as middle age, and winter as old age and death. No matter how you slice it, winter is death.)

This arc here is not like last year, when there was some good to be seen in winter. This time, for Mikan, winter is just about loss.

She’s not willing to lose Nobara, though, not when she’s able to save her. She and Subaru work together and are able to summon a heartbeat. Mikan inserts Subaru’s alice stone directly into Nobara, despite her exhaustion. Again, this isn’t exactly a choice she makes. In situations like these, it doesn’t really occur to Mikan that there is another choice to make. If she can save her friend, there is nothing else.

But it’s not just that she’s physically exhausted because her alice use is taking a toll, as we know it does, whether you have the fourth shape or not. She’s unaware of it, but she’s running out of her alice. There isn’t much left.

I understand that these chapters are about building tension but there's too much build up, in my opinion. This takes forever and is very frustrating to read. I forget that each time I read because I don't like to read these chapters.

Mikan cries tears of relief when she finds out she and Subaru’s efforts saved Nobara’s life, but the victory is short-lived. The fuukitai soon join them in the room, intent on arresting Mikan. Sakurano and Subaru refuse to hand her over. It’s not just about saving one girl. Everyone’s hopes rest on her not being captured by the ESP. Even though Mikan violated the agreement by using her stealing alice, and although legally she’s now bound to the ESP, Subaru and Sakurano are willing to rebel, like they always have. 

And Mikan finds strength in those words too. She stares down Persona and declares that she will never let herself be captured by the ESP. Her alice will never be in his hands. When the fuukitai charge at her, she’s somehow able to repel them with a strong wave of nullification. But even though she was able to protect herself so effectively, Mikan is concerned. Despite how powerful she feels, she also feels strange, and that’s because the ESP has messed with them, suspicious of them from the start. If they can’t teleport out of there, that means they will have to fight the fuukitai, which won’t be easy.

Luckily for them, someone has decided to switch sides at the very last second: Persona uses his alice to incapacitate the fuukitai.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Seven

Mikan may be in awe that Persona has suddenly switched sides, but she doesn’t trust so easily. He takes one step toward Nobara and she rushes in between them, protecting her. 

After all, it was Persona who put Nobara in this condition. It was Persona who nearly killed Mikan. It was Persona who killed her father. She has plenty of reasons not to trust him. It’s a powerful scene in any case, because Mikan doesn’t say anything. Her standing between Nobara and Persona is statement enough. He knows what he did to deserve this distrust. 

I like this moment, how even though no words are spoken, so much is said.

But Nobara is awake, and holds onto Mikan, sending Persona a silent message to be strong, a feeling that Mikan is able to pick up on because of the telepathy alice stone. Nobara pleads with Mikan to trust him, to give him a chance to prove himself when he’s been so brave now. To forgive him.

In my opinion, that nobody asked for (except you kinda did, since you’re reading these essays, and also since I get frequent asks for my opinions on things….), Mikan could have put her hesitant trust into Persona for a moment without forgiving him. I think he’s done a lot of wrong and it’s entirely up to Nobara to forgive him if she wants for the abuse she’s suffered, but it’s not exactly something she can expect from others. 

(And I know forgiveness has played a major role in this story from the beginning, especially with Mikan. Mikan forgave Narumi for his betrayal with her letters, has forgiven Hotaru for every cruel word and hit throughout the story, has forgiven Natsume for the awful things he did when they first met. I think in any relationship there needs to be a degree of forgiveness. People will disappoint you and mess up. That's just the imperfect nature of humanity. If you want to have a relationship that lasts, you will have to forgive and ask for forgiveness. But Persona has always been a rockier case for me.)

I understand that a lot of stories tend to treat forgiveness like a virtue, and it can be. But it’s not that simple. Forgiveness is both difficult to define and difficult to achieve. Is it accepting somebody’s bad actions and moving on, while simultaneously making the choice to keep them away from you? Or is it choosing to let the person back in your life, moving past the bad actions together? In any case, true forgiveness is the release of negative feelings toward a person for the wrongs they’ve committed. And since Persona has committed a lot of wrongs against a lot of people, it’s not up to one person to forgive him.

I strongly doubt Natsume could ever forgive him, honestly. 

I understand Mikan is a forgiving person, but it’s hard for me personally to swallow her forgiving him. Always has been. To me, his turn around is too little too late. I can’t really forgive him, as you might expect seeing as I complain about him a lot, and thus I don’t get pumped about Mikan forgiving him. Each individual makes the choice whether to forgive or not, and Mikan made her choice. I respect that, but the way that choice is regarded by the narrative (like it is the only correct choice) is what bugs me. It’s not something I can do anything about, though, so let’s carry on. 

Persona holds out his hand. He offers to help her, acknowledging that he hasn’t been trustworthy up to now and that he has hurt her friends and killed her father. (MUST be stated here--but Mikan, I think, can forgive Persona for what he did to her father, especially since Izumi didn’t have any resentment toward Rei to begin with, but she CANNOT forgive him for what he did to Natsume and Aoi because that’s not her trauma to forgive… my two cents.) He encourages her to help him atone for his mistakes.

Mikan chooses to take him up on his offer. 

I do think I can analyze this.

I mean, fine I guess.

Up to a certain point, I think Mikan has had a very black and white view of people. They are either bad or good. There is no in between (I think Natsume was an exception for a while because of her unique relationship with him). But when Mikan went to the past to watch her mom’s life, she realized just how off-base and prejudicial she had been. She’d assumed her mother was a bad person because she had done bad things, without considering that she had been pushed into living that life. When she saw first hand how her mother had suffered and that the situation was more nuanced than Mikan had appreciated before, she realized that the binary view of people she’d had up to that point was naive and inaccurate. She also watched both Luna and Persona suffer at the hands of the ESP and understands now what made them become this way. 

Luna tormented Mikan for ages, hurting the people around her. And yet when Mikan saw Luna again for the first time after seeing her past, her first thought is about how Luna shouldn’t be fighting with her mom anymore. Mikan’s view of people is now inseparable from her compassion and empathy. Persona has hurt so many people and for so long, but he saved her now and he wants to keep atoning, with her help. If she rejects him now, would she be punishing behavior she wants to see? Would she regret her stubbornness, the way she regretted the harsh words she spoke about her mother?

So she gives him the chance to prove himself and puts her trust in an enemy.

I think this is an action she wouldn’t have taken prior to the time-travel arc.

One Hundred and Fifty-Eight

Mikan has a condition for trusting him. She has him promise not to use his alice to hurt others anymore. She cites inspiration from her father and Nobara, who believed in Persona and his capacity for good that was separable from the power of his alice. She wants to believe in that too, but he has to meet her there. 

He agrees and she’s happy. He won’t let the people who have helped him “die for nothing,” and she knows he’s referring to her father, which means he never lost complete sight of everything Izumi did for him. She doesn’t want her father’s death to be for nothing either. 

There seems to be some kind of disturbance on the main campus, so Mikan and company have to get moving. The fuukitai try to attack again and Persona rots the ground beneath them, causing them to crash down with the rubble. 

That Izumi quote shows up a lot.

Mikan is simultaneously impressed with his power and disapproving of his hurting others. He apologizes and Mikan remembers her father’s words to always love your alice. The important thing is to work together, even though that prospect is still odd to her. Persona’s alice will be tricky for him to limit in that way, but if he’s willing to put in the effort, she’s willing to trust him. She wants to channel her forgiving and optimistic father, who saw potential in Rei that was never fully realized before. Maybe her father’s wish for him can finally come true.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Nine

Mikan has a long internal monologue here about Persona that I always take with a grain of salt. She sees that Persona is putting in the effort to be better, even though he’s obviously struggling. She thinks to herself that although Natsume and the others might not be ready to forgive him yet, they eventually should, which will allow everyone to move on with their lives. 

It’s sweet that she’s channeling her father in this way, but I think that’s a bold claim, that everyone should forgive Persona so they can all be happy in the future. Healing looks different for everyone and, like I said before, forgiveness does too. For some people, what they need to do is heal with the person, to involve the abuser in the process so they can heal together and move forward, until that person is no longer "abuser", but partner or friend or whatever they are. Mikan and Nobara seem to be taking this route, involving themselves in Persona’s growth as a means of healing the abuse he put them through. But for others, the healing must be separate. Their process does not involve the abuser. Instead, they process and accept the pain and abuse and learn to let it go the best they can. For some people, like Natsume, probably, they will forever associate their abuser with pain and suffering. Thus, in order to make meaningful progress, distance from and sometimes even cutting off the abuser entirely is critical.

I’ve been to a looooooot of therapy to cope with the abuse I went through. I used to get really angry whenever forgiveness was brought up as the end all be all of healing because it felt like letting someone off the hook, especially when he wasn’t even sorry. Forgiveness is a little more complicated than that, I learned. My feelings about it only became more complicated as a result. But my opinion will always be that discussions about healing and forgiveness should always be victim-centered, not abuser-centered. And to be honest, I’m not seeing that here. Persona is fully acknowledging that he’s messed up in some pretty unforgivable ways, but the way Mikan approaches this is entirely through the scope of empathy for Persona. She claims to realize that Natsume “isn’t ready yet” to forgive him, but her empathy falls short of realizing that he doesn’t have to forgive Persona in order to heal. Her process and his don’t have to be the same. 

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you--

But am I really surprised that Higuchi Tachibana is botching this a little? No! She’s written some very compelling child abuse narratives here, but the treatment towards the end is fickle and lackluster and a little insulting, to be honest. Ridiculous as it may be, Persona is actually going about this in a pretty healthy way, all things considered. It’s Mikan that bothers me in this arc. I can accept--begrudgingly--how quickly she forgives him, but I cannot stomach her idea that Natsume must eventually forgive him too. That’s bullshit.

Though obviously, I don’t hold Mikan accountable, really. She’s still a little girl with her view of trauma being pretty self-centered, as to be expected. My anger is towards Higuchi Tachibana, always, who is elevating Mikan's perspective as true and correct and moral.

MOVING ON. AGAIN. 

Persona tells Mikan that Natsume and others are on the main campus preparing for one final attack on the ESP. Since there’s fewer people after them right now, Persona assumes that the ESP is moving his troops towards the main campus for the fight. Mikan is horrified. She never did get Natsume to agree not to push himself too hard and now it seems he’s fighting the ESP himself. She asks if it’s her fault and then continues to panic, worrying about his condition and whether or not he should be fighting like that. She suspects he accepts dying, but that’s not something she can accept. She refused to let her friend die and she can’t allow Natsume to die either. The threat of winter seems to be closing in…

Persona takes responsibility for Natsume’s current state, claiming that after he gets her to safety, he’ll join Natsume and help in the fight, even if it means sacrificing himself. In my opinion, that seems like a fair trade, and I’d have liked to see that, but Mikan refuses to listen. 

Funny how she blames herself for Natsume being in danger one minute and then scolds Persona for the same thing the next. It would be nice to think Higuchi Tachibana wrote it this way so we could see the flaws in her perspective, but that's maybe giving her too much credit since the rest of this part is sloppy enough to give us the vibe that this isn't intentional.

She chooses the “forgive and forget” method, meaning that whatever Persona did in the past is now, at least to her, entirely in the past, and not worth a conversation. (Again, fine, Mikan, if that’s the way you want to heal, whatever, but you can’t expect others to work the same way.) I understand her here to some extent. Natsume is so quick to sacrifice himself, like his life means nothing, so Mikan isn’t in the mood to hear it from Persona either. Mikan isn’t a huge fan of anyone dying, really. She didn’t really like Natsume when she saved him from Reo, either. She still believed his life had inherent value because Mikan sees inherent value in all life. Persona is trying to be better, but even if he weren’t, his life would still have value. Nobody should give up something so precious, not for anything, and not so eagerly.

She brings up a good point, too, that he can’t make amends if he’s dead. His willingness to die seems like a cop-out to her. She refuses to allow tragedy to happen on her watch again. She doesn’t want to see anybody die. Yeah, I’ll keep repeating that. It makes it hurt more later. I’ll say it again. She does not want to see anybody else die.

The NatsuMikan here is keeping me afloat. It's why I'm here after all.

She declares that she wants to protect Natsume and everyone and AGAIN, Natsume is in a different category, though this time we and Mikan know why and how. No longer is he bizarrely unique for no real reason. Natsume and everyone. He’s just different and always has been.

Then, Hotaru’s baka-cannon drops from the sky, since Hotaru is with Noda, trying to help from the sidelines. This will help Mikan fight off enemies without expending her alice or putting Persona in the situation where he has to hurt anyone.

They run for a while until they run into fuukitai and students who have had their souls sucked by Luna, who’s leading the charge.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty

The big risk now is if Luna somehow manages to control Mikan with her alice. Then it’s all over, for good.

Mikan and Persona are outnumbered, dealing with Luna and an army of her zombies. But she isn’t about to give up, even when her prospects look dim. Still, she discourages Persona from using his alice because the people here are innocent and not in control of their actions. As a result, Persona gets riddled with wounds, weapons sticking out of his body all over the place, since he’s using his alice only to shield them. They can’t get close, so only long range attacks can do any harm. 

Mikan is concerned because those wounds look serious, but Persona shrugs it off, claiming that his alice will absorb the blow and any poison on the blade as well. Mikan is even further impressed with his alice (and so am I???? There’s so many developments randomly introduced here, so late in the game, entirely out of the blue… Very odd. This ending is so rushed and sloppy.), but she hugs him from behind, relieved that he’ll be alright. Again, Mikan is constantly concerned about the ESP’s Christmas warning, and for good reason. She doesn’t want to watch anymore people die, especially not for her sake.

I said it again.

The Luna-zombies are ordered to keep attacking despite the mark-of-death barrier, specifically aiming for Persona, and he shields Mikan with his body, causing him to get a half dozen stabs in his back. He keeps up the barrier, but he’s weakened. Again, alices use up a lot of physical energy and people of all alice shapes start to feel a toll when they’ve used their alice a lot. Persona has used his alice a lot, and I imagine absorbing wounds that way is also pretty taxing, so he’s not in prime shape right now (also it probably still hurts?? Even if it’s not permanent.), but he assures Mikan he’ll be okay. He urges her to go ahead to Natsume without him, but Mikan can’t go ahead when leaving him behind might mean he dies.

Again, Mikan can’t allow anybody else to die on her watch. The last time she let somebody go like that, Nobara ended up nearly dead, and she won’t get that close again. If Persona needs help, then she’ll help him. She carries him, lifting a grown man on her back and moving forward anyway, even though it’s hard, because she’s not the type to leave anybody behind. But Mikan isn’t just refusing to leave Persona; she won’t leave any of the people currently controlled by Luna. They all need her help too, and she’s the only one who can. 

Nothing else of note happens in this chapter.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-One

Mikan has doubts about Persona being okay, but she keeps moving forward, using the baka cannon Hotaru left her which is also loaded with other goodies that come in handy. But after a while, Persona collapses. He’s too weak to move on and Mikan can’t keep carrying him forever. Mikan knows that the people around her, controlled by Luna, and even Luna, who is controlled in a way by the ESP, never wanted to hurt anybody. There’s one villain in this story, and it’s the person who accepted violence without ever getting his hands dirty, who was willing to do anything to gain and keep power. 

Reo’s voice then comes over the PA system, and he uses his alice to get through to the people under Luna’s control, urging them to wake up. Mikan is touched by this, and is sure Narumi and her father had a role in turning Reo around. Again, she’s in quite the forgiving mood these days, because Reo fucking kidnapped her and was gonna sell her and her friend into child slavery.

ANYWAY.

Though the kids and fuukitai seem to wake up for a moment, Luna doubles down, and Mikan is forced to deal with a swarm of people aiming for her.

Sadly, no.

And then all at once, alice stones drop from their bodies. Mikan stole all of the parasitic alice from all of them at once, demonstrating an enormous amount of power, but that sort of excess doesn’t come without inevitable consequences. Though, for now, it does seem like she’s on a roll.

Nobody’s as powerful as her… for now.

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Two

Mikan has just released an impressive amount of alice in one go. Everyone is surprised, even her. But though she has rescued a lot of people just now, it’s also not entirely a good thing. Mikan remembers Nodacchi’s lesson on alice shapes and is struck with the feeling that she now knows what her alice shape is…

Again, she doesn’t say it in a complete sentence because it’s one of those things she doesn’t want to know. She knows, she just can’t admit it to herself. Unlike her feelings for Natsume however, this isn’t something she’ll be able to evade for very long.

The newly rescued-kids defend Mikan and Persona from the fuukitai, giving them the chance to go on ahead toward the main campus. Mikan is happy for Persona about this, that the students immediately understand that Persona was helping them and act in a way that defends him. I get that, Mikan, I really do. I also don’t get it.

The important part of this scene is when Mikan, lugging Persona on her back, turns to Luna to tell her, “I wish one day you can also come to like your own alice.” She still believes that Luna is good at heart and can change.

I find this very intriguing. Mikan didn’t trust Persona’s face-heel-turn because he’d been a villain so long. That was understandable. But so has Luna. Luna has hurt a lot of people recently. Mikan knows that Luna and her mom used to be friends, but she also saw Rei’s childhood as well, and that didn’t make her any more trusting of Persona at the start. Sure, there’s Luna stopping her alice so the fuukitai can help Yuka in the last arc, but Mikan wanted Luna to change sides before then too. So far she’s been adamant about believing that Luna will eventually do the right thing and make peace with Yuka. It’s strange how insistent this faith is, and how different Mikan’s feelings for Luna are compared to how they were for Persona.

She swears that she--as well as others--will continue to protect Luna, no matter what she decides. 

And Luna lets them go.

They walk for a while but again, Mikan is a little girl carrying a grown man, so she drops him. Persona points out that they’re not being chased, so she can go ahead to Natsume now, even if it means leaving him behind. 

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Three

Persona wants to stay, recover, and then split up the pursuers. Mikan is hesitant to leave him because of his current state. She also became attached to him, something she decides is probably because of how lonely she’s been in the labyrinth. It makes sense she’d get so easily attached to the first person who’s not Shiki or Kazumi that she spent a lot of time with. They went through a lot tonight, and he managed to earn her forgiveness and endear himself to her in a small period of time. Leaving him makes her sad.

But she understands that she needs to go ahead, that carrying on this way with Persona on her back is not a viable option. She makes him promise that she’ll see him again, and makes a promise of her own that the two of them will show Nobara that they’re okay. He agrees and they shake on it. He waxes poetic about how much her words and forgiveness and have meant to him and that he will continue to work hard on changing himself, until he’s interrupted by some students running over to catch Mikan’s attention.

Actually, they're not partners anymore. It was a whole thing.

I’ll interlude here briefly, because the Persona thing is wrapping up and I won’t have the chance to talk about it later. Zoe and I agree on this everytime we read this arc, but Persona’s actions and words here aren’t really that wrong. What I mean is that Persona handles his redemption pretty well. At no point does he attempt to downplay what he’s done. He accepts accountability from the start and understands why Mikan would be hesitant to trust him. He owns what he did to Natsume and the other DA kids without making up excuses or justifications. After this, he even leaves the school because he knows he’s caused too much pain here and he can’t work on creating positive change in an environment that he helped make toxic in the first place. All of these steps are really impressive. He doesn’t expect forgiveness.

My issue with Persona’s redemption isn’t even about Persona! He handles everything properly, as if he’s been in therapy for weeks, preparing for this moment. My issue is entirely about Mikan, Nobara, and the narrative. 

Now, I have an English degree. I achieved that degree through writing really excellent literary analysis on all sorts of literature and media. I’m great at picking up patterns and my knowledge of how symbols, themes, and rhetoric work to give a message is pretty extensive. One of my favorite literary writers is Vladimir Nabokov, who specialized in unreliable narrators. I bring this up because I am well-aware of the fact that a protagonist can say one thing while the narrative and the theme of the work say another. The infamous Lolita is a great example of that, where the narrator says things that are morally repugnant and are meant to challenge the reader’s tendency to blindly trust what they read. (If you walked away from the book thinking Lolita was an endorsement of child sexual assault, you need to examine why you blindly trust in Humbert Humbert when he establishes himself as untrustworthy from the beginning.) This arc in Gakuen Alice does not achieve that, nor was it intended to. Mikan goes on an internal monologue about Persona’s redemption and argues with him and we’re supposed to take a lesson from her. 

I really love Mikan. I think she’s fun and complicated and she’s very dear to me. I dislike Higuchi Tachibana’s pattern of elevating every single thing Mikan does as some sort of moral authority on all matters. Whereas Mikan could be very wrong about many things earlier in the story, right now her character is lifted to near mythic levels, where every damn character in the story is entranced by her smile and has their entire life changed by her words.

She’s a twelve year old girl, not the messiah.

The narrative uplifts Mikan to this unrealistic level, mainly through the way she’s viewed and talked about by others, which means that when Mikan tells us everyone should forgive Persona just like that, we’re meant to take that as a moral law. I only included Nobara in this mess because she’s the one who convinced Mikan, but my point stands: the issue with Persona’s redemption is that the narrative (via Mikan) shuts down all potential criticisms with Persona’s past behavior. If you mention what he did just a few chapters ago, you’re living in the past and need to move on. If you’re struggling with a similar situation in real life, you should get over your trauma and forgive the person because the priority should be in maintaining everyone’s happiness. 

(Should we really listen to a twelve-year-old on everything? Her well-intentioned plea for Persona not to use his alice to hurt people anymore nearly gets him fucking murdered, when hurting in self-defense is pretty universally an accepted practice…)

Mikan is--in reality--still an emotionally unripe child. The narrative at this stage in the manga disagrees with me. Mikan needs therapy; the narrative claims she’s enlightened. Just some of my thoughts.

ANYWAY, one of the students tells Mikan that Natsume is in a terrible condition right now, partially because of his own actions. Despite this, Natsume still helped him, so the kid is now returning the favor by bringing Mikan to him with the help of his alice. Mikan knows what her priority is now, so she thanks Persona and takes off with the student.

I both love and hate these next chapters with Natsume dead. It's so FUN being me.

Mikan is teleported to Natsume’s collapsed body, surrounded by fire. She falls to her knees beside him and realizes that he isn’t breathing.

She screams out his name, and this serves two purposes: to express the despair of seeing her fiance on his deathbed, and to possibly be so loud that she wakes him up.

He does not, unfortunately, wake up.

Conclusion

Was this long? YES. This is a SHIP ESSAY and I'm not doing two or three parts dedicated to Persona's arc and Mikan's role in it, especially when there's no Natsume there to bring me comfort. They can have this one part, so anybody who's uninterested can skip ahead to the juicy parts where Natsume is dead and Mikan cries about it.

Did this take a lot of time and effort, wedging this long analysis into one part? Yes. But I'm okay with that. I have so much beef with the way Higuchi Tachibana writes these last chapters so that's the reason it's so long. I'm not gatekeeping anything. If people want to write child abuse narratives into their stories, they are welcome to. I do it as well, in my own stories. But then you must be prepared to face the criticism! I love GA but it is far from a perfect story.

To be honest, I prefer the Fruits Basket approach, highlighted with Rin in particular, where forgiveness is treated as an individual choice and looks different to everyone. Healing can be done with or without the abuser. There's no reason a twelve-year-old girl should be telling me there is one moral and correct choice to make in that situation, when that is not true. Which brings me to my final point, that this forgiveness nonsense is actually just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Mikan is, at this point in the story, elevated to a mythic, godlike status. Her words feel heavy, and her every sentiment is treated like some aesopic moral, something to take note of. In terms of the story, I can discuss Mikan's changes as being direct results of trauma and negative coping mechanisms. But the story itself disagrees with me. Mikan is right and perfect. Everyone is in love with her. She has changed and personally influenced everyone at the school. She is a god.

And I don't like that, because it feels cheap and is annoying to read. I don't like Mikan being made out to be anything more or less than human, capable of good and bad, of doing the right thing and making mistakes, of loving and hating. When you write characters as anything more than human, in the sense that they are perfect the way Mikan is treated here, you create a sense of insecurity in the reader. There's an ideal created here, something unachievable that the reader expects themselves to eventually live up to. To always forgive, to always do the right thing, to be loved by everyone. That's impossible! Nobody can do that!

Considering that GA's target demographic is kids Mikan's age (like I was), this becomes a little more unpleasant. I was a kid going through abuse at the same time as I was reading these chapters. I remember reacting to this in my own way, with mainly anger and dismay at Mikan blindly forgiving everyone, at her no longer seeming like a human being I could relate to. (I think this is why I clung more to Natsume in the following years; I could always see humanity and error in his existence. He never seemed perfect and thus he was clear as day to me. Mikan in comparison became mythic and untouchable and was much harder to understand because she no longer felt like a person in crucial ways.)

I felt bad about myself for being so angry, too. Part of me would ask if there was something wrong with me for not forgiving my own abuser, for being mad at Persona. But that's not right. Forgiveness isn't always the answer. Forgiveness in the Mikan style can sometimes result in further abuse. Further abuse can result in emotional and physical damage, and (in the very worst situations) in death.

This is a long post and a long conclusion, but I think it's important I state my opinions here. These last chapters always leave a bad taste in my mouth, always leave me feeling like I was robbed of a great ending. It's not just a sloppy wrap up and narrative; that narrative makes some pretty unpleasant statements about life and I take issue with that.

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 20)

PART TWENTY! I've written thousands and thousands of words about this particular character's love. That's really crazy. And you guys read thousands and thousands of words! And we're not even done yet!

We will talk about the second half of this "gap arc", including one of my favorite chapters, and then the school will turn upside down, as we will see in the next part.

Chapter Ninety-Three

Mikan was so exhausted saving Narumi from Persona’s alice that she ended up hospitalized. Nobody else seems to know much of what really happened except Natsume, who spends so much time in the hospital these days that it would have been more surprising if he didn’t know she was there too.

Besides, Natsume knows so much about Mikan. He knows about her mom and that the ESP is interested in Mikan possibly possessing the stealing alice. He knows that she’s in danger. He’s vigilant, as I’ve said, and this vigilance means absorbing all possible information. He overhears Narumi warning Mikan to keep her new alice a secret, and Natsume gets confirmation that Mikan does indeed have the stealing alice, that Narumi knows and wants to protect Mikan too, and that this information could possibly get to the ESP if they’re not careful.

Dead man walking. Or rather... dead boy walking.

He walks away from her room, unseen, coughing. He walks down a hall of doctors and patients and nurses and he doesn’t stand out at all. Natsume’s presence in the hospital is so normal that nobody bats an eye anymore. Kaname is hospitalized for long stretches of time, as we shall continue to see, but Natsume merely goes to the hospital for limited periods of bed rest and for getting huge bags of medicine to take before bed so he doesn’t accidentally pass away in his sleep. Natsume might be in just as much need as Kaname for long periods of hospitalization, but he can’t for two reasons.

One, the school absolutely does not want that. They want their favorite child soldier to be always at the ready. He can’t be at their beck and call at all times if he’s cooped up in a hospital bed. He needs to be where they can grab him easily, and pumping him full of medicine and pretending that’s enough for him is the most they will do.

Two, Natsume absolutely does not want that. Mikan is in more danger than ever, and being sequestered in a hospital without seeing anyone leaves her alone and unprotected. How is he supposed to spy on the ESP and Persona for information on Mikan if he’s hospitalized? He needs to be free as a bird, just like they want him to be, so that he can be at Mikan’s beck and call. At the slightest threat, he will be there for her.

Later, when Bear follows Mikan around while Kaname is sicker than ever, Koko can discern that Bear wants Mikan to steal Kaname’s alice from inside of him. Many people are onlooking, and Natsume has a shocked expression, not because he didn’t know that Mikan has the stealing alice, but because he’s concerned for what consequences may come if more people find out. If the ESP comes to hear any of this, serious issues will arise. Things are already dangerous enough, but if the ESP finds out, then turmoil will come sooner than later.

This is an "Oh, shit" moment! How terrible.

Things get worse when the rumors about Mikan’s alice spread through the upper divisions. Mikan gets chased by upperclassmen who want her to steal their alices because they think their star rank will go up if they can catch her in the act. The ESP seems to have purposefully spread such a rumor in order to speed things along. He wants to push Mikan into a corner, perhaps force her into using her alice and exposing herself, so that he has an excuse to swoop in and take her into his custody.

We see a panel of Natsume hearing the news of the middle schoolers’ pursuit of Mikan and he’s just as shocked as before. Her life is endlessly hectic in the worst way. She is always under attack from rumors and speculation and being honest about her alice will only end poorly for her. This is the last glimpse we get of him this chapter, but his reactions, despite the fact that he says nothing this whole time, is enough to give hints to where his mind is right now. His priorities and concerns are all made clear, building up to when he will eventually be quite needed.

Chapter Ninety-Four

Class B is getting ready for swimming lessons in P.E. Most of the class, especially Mikan, are excited for this.

There’s not much Natsume in this chapter either, but we can see him on the poolside, obviously not well enough to swim. Swimming is one of the most physically taxing exercises because of how much it requires you to use your full body. Natsume can’t waste what little energy he has on P.E. when he has missions to do. Those are much more important.

Mikan may get occasionally down or sad about her alice and the uncomfortable state of things, but Ruka is there to cheer her up and play water polo with her. Natsume simply looks on.

Tsubasa spots him, and instantly looks troubled. He and Natsume are not just both in the DA class now, they’re also going on many of the same missions. He’s also the only one who knows the truth about Natsume’s alice shape, and how much the taxing missions affect his body. Seeing Natsume sit on the side and not join in with the others is not a good sign. He’s not doing well.

Fun and games are over! It was never gonna last long anyway!

The panel of everyone having fun while Natsume coughs by himself, isolated from everyone, brings to mind the page from Chapter Nine, so long ago. The last page of that chapter has Natsume being sent on a mission, in stark contrast to the final panel of the rest of the class having fun and bonding over dodgeball.

He could never join in for long was the message we got then, and it’s not any less true now. Natsume let himself get attached to Class B and to Mikan in particular but his fun happy times of joining in on the fun were never meant to last. He can’t play the sax anymore. He can’t run around with the rest of them. Luna was a warning to him as much as she was to Mikan. His time is running out and his life will always be too different from the rest of theirs. He will always be shrouded in darkness and an imminent death. They can take occasional breaks from the stress and worry of their lives, but he can’t. Not anymore. Not in any real way. Not without it taking a serious toll on his body.

The last page features two groups of best friends: Natsume and Ruka looking out the window at Hotaru and Mikan as they walk through the rain.

Bad things are going to happen. And that right soon.

There’s a feeling of foreboding in this arc. The last page carries some threat with it while also trying to stay on the side of hope. One should not take things for granted is the main take-away, a harsh lesson for these kids to learn, especially in this way.

These few chapters between the Sports Fest and the next arc are almost similar to the gap chapters between the Hana Hime den chapters and the Sports Fest. They are a much needed respite from the heavy chapters before and after. The difference is that these gap chapters are heavier and there’s a threat looming over Mikan and the others in each one. The happiness and lightness of the Valentine’s day chapter are not present, even in this sweet chapter about swimming. Everyone is unsettled and disturbed, aware that something horrible is to come.

Chapter Ninety-Five

And nothing good ever lasts, as this chapter reveals. The tension that has been building for so long is starting to reach a boiling point.

A lot will happen here. Hotaru gets called to the headquarters. Yuka returns to the Alice Academy campus to find Mikan. Tsubasa goes missing.

God, could they stop sending children to get blown up for FIVE MINUTES?!

Natsume and Tsubasa are separated during a nondescript mission. A warehouse explodes and Natsume screams out for Tsubasa, not knowing where he’s disappeared to, or if he’s even still alive.

Tsubasa is missing, his location unknown. Natsume has returned to campus from the mission, but he hasn’t been seen by anybody yet either. He’s busy trying to locate Tsubasa, trying to find information.

Natsume goes on missions all the time. He goes with other DA types and is frequently in life or death situations with them. That being said, he hates most of his classmates, Youichi being one exception. But Tsubasa is different. They have an unspoken respect for each other, and might even be considered friends. They spent a lot of time in the DA class on missions that we haven’t seen in the manga and their work to find--or rather not find--Yuka and protect Mikan has probably brought them closer.

Natsume wants to find Tsubasa because he’s so important to Mikan, because she loves him like a big brother and losing him would break her. He wants to find Tsubasa because Tsubasa is his friend too. If something happened to him on a mission they went on together, then it’s his responsibility to bring him back, and he might even feel guilty for his disappearance as well. Knowing what we do about Natsume’s self-esteem, martyr complex, and tendency to blame himself for everything, he is probably not taking this very well.

It’s exciting and nerve-wracking to see so many people involved in this chapter, but seeing as everything’s coming to a head, many of the characters narratively have to be involved.

Nobara, who discovers that Narumi plans to run away with Mikan to keep her safe from what’s to come, is soon after made aware that she will be blessed with a friend in the DA class: Mikan. Nobara and Natsume do not get along, but so far she’s been diligent in communicating with him about information she discovers that he would not otherwise find out. There’s no way she wouldn’t try to reach out to him, which explains why he knows about it.

Natsume has been mainly absent from the chapter, and from school as well. Nobody has seen him, because he’s too busy trying to find Tsubasa. But it’s nighttime now and everyone is going to sleep. The rumors about Tsubasa’s disappearance are all around the school and he knows that Mikan knows by now. And she’s all alone.

So he takes a break from all the work he has to do to go and comfort her. He cannot leave her alone, even if he originally planned on it.

He appears in her window and she rushes to him. She asks him questions, about where he’s been and all those wounds on his body, but he didn’t come here to talk about what happened to him. He’s here for her. He confesses that he hadn’t wanted to see anyone until he’d found Tsubasa safe and sound, but he had to see her, fearing that she was crying on her own.

They're both sad. They're each other's comfort.

Natsume knows Mikan, that she frequently acts fine even if she’s suffering. Her resilience and determination are great traits, and it’s easy to get lost in the illusion that she should always be bubbly and optimistic and smiling, but even a girl like Mikan needs to let it out sometimes. Finding out that someone you love is missing is not easy, and smiling in the face of that is not something that even Mikan can do all the time. She needs comfort, and Natsume wants to be there for her.

He’s wanted this the whole time, deep down, to be someone she could rely on, someone who could comfort her, and now he’s the only one who can. All the things he’s wanted to do for her this whole time: to comfort her, to tell her it’ll be okay, to hug her. He does it all because after all they’ve been together, she knows now that he’s someone she can rely on.

She’s crying, and she admits that she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to, because she has to cry in Natsume’s place.

Natsume came to comfort her, yes, but he’s been through a lot too. He also cares about Tsubasa and has been suffering on his own for even longer. He also needs comfort, and because he won’t let himself cry, she’ll do it for him. Mikan can see that he can’t afford to not be perfectly composed all the time. She’s thinking of him, too, and it must be nice to be seen so clearly by somebody he loves.

She knows that he's close to Tsubasa too, even if he won't admit it. THEY'RE EACH OTHER'S COMFORT.

He tells her he will find Tsubasa, and “about her too”, which means he’s letting her know he’s taking care of her. He will keep an eye out and try to keep her safe. He’s hinting that he knows about her other alice, and that he’s on top of it. He has to go now, but his farewell--his promise--is his final way of comforting her for the night. She doesn’t need to worry too much about Tsubasa or what will happen with the school, because he will fix it all. He will protect her.

Conclusion

There's something looming over the kids at the academy. Something really bad is going to happen, and everyone seems somewhat aware at this point. Natsume is at the ready for the slightest threat to Mikan, and he will finally be able to spring into action in the next edition of this already-too-long essay.

So... This is the twentieth part. If I'm to guess, I'd say there's not going to be another ten parts to make it to thirty, but I might be wrong, depending on how long my analysis gets in the last parts of the manga. As I post this, I'm about fifty chapters ahead (which sounds impressive but actually isn't considering the Time Travel Arc has groups of entire chapters that I had to skip). Maybe it'll get to something like twenty-eight but I'm not sure about thirty. We'll see. Once upon a time I thought it'd be forty, even! No, not Natsume's. Mikan's, maybe, but not Natsume's.

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