#grandmas house to sell whatever they could but that was like when we were 15 so idk what happened between then and now

[pilonciillo]

the thing about moving out is i don’t hear the family drama anymore:( because what do you mean my cousin got a girl pregnant and in the middle of the night she left without saying anything to anyone and now he’s a single father

[songforaname]

not so much a secret, more just something i've been wondering and never got the opportunity to ask:

what's your connection with lizards?

i've remarked that it's something we have in common and in my case it's having one as a pet, but i've just never brought it up out of, idk, fear that since he's of a species often just grabbed from the wild (which he wasn't, he's one of the first of his kind to be born in captivity in the nordics) that you'd think less of me?

Short answer:

Longer answer:

i've never put too much thought into it, but the earliest i can trace anything back to is reading a children's science book about lizards whenever i went to visit my great-grandma over in canada as a kid.

i specifically remember about it having separate sections for lizards and salamders and how to care for them a return them to the wild after you've caught one.

naturally, living in a place which would be covered in snow for like a third of the year meant i'd never have the chance to do that, and a house full of cats and the occasional dog meant there wasn't any place for a lizard to be put in a tank either. (the fish i had would occasionally disappear from the tank they were in too. except for the goldfish i won at a carnival game, which is a whole different story)

but then at some point after my sister was born, my mom ended up getting us into making crafts out of beads and string. One of the projects in the book we had was a lizard. Guess what i made a lot?

then in like fourth or fifth grade, at the little christmas gift market my school would throw every year so kids could buy presents and get them wrapped, i had bought presents for almost everyone i knew except for my sister and by pure chance the doll bed i had bought for my sister also came with an Iggy the Iguana beanie baby for like $5 extra instead of the other tables there selling the beanie babies for like $15-$20 on their own.

That exact beanie baby has been in my posession since then and is the one i take pictures of whenever i go places and i've taken him cross-country several times. if we assume i got him the same year as his listed birthday is - August 12, 1997 - that would make him 26, and almost a year older than my brother.

At some point, other people in my family would grab me stuffed lizards for christmas or birthday presents because the Iggy pictures on facebook were the main way they would know what i was up to.

however, while typing this out, i remembered that as a really young kid, i had a Barney the Dinosaur doll i would have by my side at all times for years, even forcing my mom to end up getting more eyedrops than necessary when i needed them because i wouldn't take them unless barney had to take them too. And she couldn't fake it because i would watch her put them in. i don't know whatever happened to him.

i also was obsessed with the american godzilla movie at one point, and all kinds of dinosaurs as a kid, but none of those lasted as long or as fiercely as Barney or Iggy. so as far as i can tell, you can tempt me into anything with a brightly colored, fuzzy reptile of some sort.

or, for a probably more accurate answer, plucked from a tumblr post:

(i also don't actually know much about lizards.)

[peacedolantwins]

Resentment (G.D)

When you and Grayson first got together, it was like a dream come true. He was your prince charming ready to be everything you ever wanted, but instead of a horse and carriage, it was with a baby blue porshe.

He would pick you up and take you out just about anywhere. Theater, movies, fancy restaurants, anything. You weren’t in the relationship for the money and fancy things, you would have been just as happy watching netflix back at the house or just sitting in a park talking, but he always insisted on going out.

“A beautiful girl deserves beautiful things,” he would always say.

And while you knew the truth, any time the fans saw you two out somewhere expensive or going shopping, they were quick to call you a gold digger.

Grayson would see the comments and tweets and at first he just ignored them. But after a while, he started thinking.

Were you just with him for the money?

So he stopped.

He stopped buying you gifts, he stopped with fancy dinners, he stopped just about everything,

And you didnt mind. You didnt need fancy jewelry or clothes he would get you. As long as you got to spend time with him, the man who you loved, you didnt care.

But then things started to change.

When you two would hang out and you offered to go to the mall and walk around and maybe do some shopping he looked at you like you just offended him.

“Not Rodeo?” he raised a brow.

“I mean, if there was something you wanted to buy there, we can go.” You really werent a fan of going there since everything was way more than you could afford on your own. But if he had planned on buying something, you were okay with going with. You could go to the mall later.

So you two went and he was quick to head straight to the designer stores. You two separated while in the store. While he was picking out things he could actually afford to buy, you were simply window shopping.

You lost track of time when you felt Grayson reach out and touch your arm. Thats when you noticed he already paid.

“You already paid?” you glanced at the bag.

“Yeah, you didnt buy anything?”

“No?” you were confused about why he was asking. You never bought anything when you came to stores like this. You werent about to drop your rent check on something that honestly looked kind of ugly in your opinion.

“Hm figures,” he rolled his eyes at you.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, lets go,” he walked ahead of you, leaving you to follow after him.

It went on like this for over a month, him making small remarks when you wouldnt drop an insane amount of money for something. But you got used to it. You didnt let it get to you. Until he did something you thought he would never do.

You woke up late after having spent the night with Grayson in your apartment to find your jewelry box open. You figured you must have forgotten to close it the last time you put something in and you shrugged it off and got ready for the day.

But as you did your makeup you couldnt help but feel something was wrong. You walked over to the box and thats when you noticed it.

The box was nearly empty.

A few of your earings and a few bracelets were there but all of the jewelry Grayson had gotten over the course of your relationship was gone.

And so was your grandmothers ring she left to you.

You started looking around, thinking maybe Grayson might have knocked the box over this morning and everything just fell out, but there was nothing on the floor anywhere. You were starting to panic when you heard your front door open and saw Grayson come in.

“Grayson did you knock over my jewelry this morning?”

“You mean the jewelry I paid for?”

“Sure, whatever, yeah, but did you knock it over?” You didn’t even care about the remark about him paying for it all, you just needed to know what happened.

“I pawned it,” he said casually.

“You what?” you felt your heart drop.

“Its not like you wore it anyway.” While that was true, its not like you didnt wear it because you didnt like it. You had a tendency to lose everything and you werent about to risk losing a bracelet over a thousand dollars while going to the grocery store.

“Did you take my ring?”

“Which one?”

“Grayson this isnt funny! Did you take my ring? The one with the diamond?” you were scared to hear his answer.

“The one I got you? Yeah.”

“You didnt get me that one, Grayson! That was my grandmothers ring! You have to get it back!” you were beyond upset right now.

“So you seriously want me to go buy you the ring now?” he asked annoyed.

“It wasn’t yours to sell! Why would you even take it!”

“Well you better get to it before someone buys it,” he shrugged.

You looked at him in complete shock. You couldnt care less about the other jewelry, but that ring was important to you. It was the one thing you had left from the woman you spent the majority of your childhood with since your parents were always working.

“Grayson, I cant afford to buy it back!” you had gotten it appraised when you first got it and when you found out how much it was worth, you never wore it.

“Then figure it out!” He couldn’t believe how you were acting about it. Hes worn a full outfit that costs more than that ring so he didnt understand why it was such an issue.

You looked at him in complete shock.

“Unbelievable.” you muttered as you slipped on your shoes and you were out the door as soon as you had the address to the store he took it to.

You quickly found it, driving probably more than the speed limit and parked. You walked in and the man behind the counter asked if he could help you find something. After describing the ring to him he motioned you over to one of the cases.

“Yes! That one, how much is it?” you tried to mentally prepare yourself for the price he was about to say.

“That one is going to be $7,899.”

You closed your eyes and did your best to stop the tears from forming. You knew you couldnt even put it on your credit card because you had a $2,500 limit set.

“Would you be able to hold it for me? Just for today while I go to the bank,” you pleaded with him.

“The most I can give you is until four today,” he explained.

You quickly glanced at the clock behind him and started to panic. It was already twelve, and you knew the bank was closed until one, which meant you had two and a half hours at the most to go and get the loan you needed to buy it back.

“Ill be back in by then,” you gave him your information and you started your drive to the bank.

Once you arrived you sat in your car and did your best to keep your composure as you waited for it to open back up. As soon as the clock hit one you practically ran in and waited for one of the employees to tend to you.

A kind looking woman came from the back rooms and called your name and introduced herself as the person who would be helping you.

She had you fill out paperwork and once you were done she put all the information into the computer. She said it would take a little while for the credit report to come in and she left you sitting there in her office while she went elsewhere.

It was already 2:15.

It was three o’clock when she came back in and told you it all went through and you were approved. You rushed through the final paperwork with a few signatures where needed and you were out the door and driving back to the pawn shop.

You quickly found the same man who helped you from earlier and you bought back the ring.

When you got to your apartment building you sat in your car with your head resting on the steering wheel.

Looks like you were back to living the same way you did through college. Ramen noodles and cereal for every meal from now on.

You glanced around the parking lot and noticed the stupid baby blue car was no where around. Good, because you didn’t want to deal with him right now.

The next few days you found yourself at the restaurant you worked at picking up every shift you could. You had been ignoring calls from Grayson and Ethan too once he started calling you.

You didn’t have time to deal with any of them. You had an eight thousand dollar loan to pay back.

It wasn’t until the two of them walked into the restaurant and got seated in your section when you had to finally deal with them.

“Hi my name is Y/n, I’m gonna be your server today, can I get you something to drink?”

“Y/n? It’s us you don’t have to be all hospitality with us,” Ethan was confused as to why you were being so formal with them.

“We have water, tea, and pepsi products,” you placed the menus in front of them.

“Um, just water, babe-“ Grayson looked up at you and for the first time in days he noticed how exhausted you looked. You were running on fumes and he could see it.

“Great, I’ll be right back with your drinks,” you quickly walked off to get the drinks.

“Dude what’s up with her?” Ethan asked his brother.

“I don’t know, I know we had a fight a few days ago but I thought she’d be over it by now,” he explained.

“Here you go,” you placed their water down in front of them, “and did we need more time to look at the menu or are you ready to order?”

“Y/n, stop it-“ Neither of the boys liked how you were acting towards them.

“Don’t worry, take your time, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” you walked away again.

“Gray, what did you do?” Ethan had never seen you this way. You were being so cold and lifeless despite the fake smile and cheery voice you had slapped on.

“I accidentally pawned one of her rings,” Grayson explained.

“Why did you… what ring? Doesn’t she only have the one her grandma left her?”

“I didn’t know,” Graymuttered more to himself.

“You didn’t…” Ethan stared at him in shock. “Are you serious! That would be like her pawning the ring dad left us! Did you get it back for her?” Ethan knew how much that ring meant to you. And from the few times he saw it, he had a general idea of how much it cost.

His brothers silence was all he got but it was enough to let him know the answer.

“Where did you sell it? Fucking hell Grayson! Why wouldn’t you get it back!” Ethan was ready to walk out of the restaurant right now and go buy it back for you since his idiot of a brother didn’t do it himself.

“I went back later and it was already gone okay! I tried!”

“How much did you get for it?” He questioned.

“About six and a half thousand.”

“Well you gave her the money right? Maybe she went and bought it back,” Ethan was trying to be hopeful of the situation.

Silence again.

“Grayson you didn’t even give her the money?” Ethan knew you weren’t made of money and knew how much you made. Which meant he knew there was no way you could have afforded to buy it back yourself.

“Have we made a decision yet?” You appeared out of what seemed like nowhere.

“Just a salad for both of us, babe talk to me please,” Grayson knew he fucked up and he didn’t know how to make it better.

“I’ll go ahead and send that in, any appetizers while you wait?”

“No, Y/n please,” Grayson covered your hand with his.

“I’ll be back with your order,” you pried your hand away gently, not wanting to cause a scene.

What you didn’t know was that your manager was standing close by and saw someone touch one of his employees. And most restaurants didn’t care much about the workers being hit on or made uncomfortable, but he cared about his employees.

Once he saw you leave to take the order to the kitchen, he went up to the table.

“Excuse me,” he crouched down next to the table, “I’m the manager here and I’m not going to have you harassing my employees. If I see anything like that again, you’re out of here. Enjoy your meal.” He patted the table and went off to find you.

“Y/n, I’m giving your table to Erin, take one of hers,” he gestured to the two boys in your section.

“No it’s okay, I can handle it,” you would much rather deal with the twins than the group of kids who looked like they were coming in for homecoming.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve had worse than someone trying to hold my hand, I’ve got it,” you assured him.

“Okay, you let me know if he tries something again,” he looked at you.

“Yes sir,” you mock saluted him at which he rolled his eyes.

You went and checked on the other tables in your section and felt Graysons eyes on you the whole time. You eventually went and took them their salads and asked if they needed anything, but you left before they could answer.

Eventually they asked for the bill and you brought it out, more than happy to have them gone. You returned their card and waited for them to leave before going to clean up the table.

It was then that you saw the giant tip they left.

$500 in cash.

They carried more on them then you made in a week.

You grabbed it and passed by your manager and quickly explained they left something behind that you were going to return to them before following them out the front door.

“Grayson!” You called after him.

“Y/n, look I’m so sorry about-“ he started.

“Can I see your keys really quick?” You cut him off

He handed them over, confused as to why you were asking for his keys. But then he saw you sliding your key off the key ring.

“Y/n no, please don’t,” he knew what this meant.

You tossed him back his keys before you took the money out of your apron and slamming it to his chest.

“That should be enough for the price of my key back.”

With that you walked back into the restaurant and slapped the fake smile back on your face. While you really could have used the five hundred dollars, you were not going to let him try to feel better about what he did.

No amount of money he tried to spend on you now could fix the damage already done.

Pls like/comment/reblog I need validation

@pgm-dolan @dolandolll @dolanshellyes @mysecretsaremydemons @mmmmmgd @ethandolxns @dolantwinsfavss @knee-deep-in-feels @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @sarcasm-at-its-finest2444 @fandomsfeministsandothershit @graydolan12 @ilsolee @inlovewithethandolan @someonedoingnothing @vintagebitttch @sunshinedolantwins @chonisberonica @ardordolan @ethantasy @wasabisama331 @graysavant @atlas-of-a-human-soul @wolfpuppii009

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 3x04 Chapter Forty-Eight

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1)   I usually cut Xiomara some slack, but this whole flashback where “Jane leaves the nest” because her mother just got a new boyfriend and is taking her kid to leave with him? Yeah, that makes her look bad, in my opinion. It’s one of those things that the show does to shoehorn a theme and make it relevant throughout Jane’s life… but it makes it look like Xiomara took her kid to live at a stranger’s house because he had a pool? If he had been a significant person in their lives, we surely would’ve heard about him before, right?

Other than that, I think it’s an interesting premise to dive into how Jane leaving will affect everyone else.

2)   Rogelio wants to star in one of those Hallmark Christmas movies that my mom loves watching and that make me cringe so badly in order to raise his American profile, and is this the right move for you, Rogelio, my dude? I don’t think so. There must be some other way.

3)   What is this douchebag turning the Marbella into, for fuck’s sake?

4)   Anezka/Petra just told Jane she doesn’t like her and never has, and it kind of feels good?

Are you really that surprised, Jane?

5)   So… Petra’s silent contribution to Jane’s rent could be the thing that reveals “Petra” is actually Anezka, right? I mean, Petra is the one who made the deal and Anezka has no idea about it – just like she didn’t know about the argument between Jane and Petra had before the wedding – and hence, she hasn’t been paying Jane’s rent. If she’s confronted about it, though, she could pretend and say she just stopped paying because of the argument, right? How long can they keep Petra paralyzed, though? How come no one realizes Petra is not really Petra? To be honest, if I was her, I’d feel terrible knowing literally NO ONE notices I’m gone.

6)   Truer words have never been spoken…

7)   First, Rob Lowe. Now, Rafael. Rogelio’s ego is getting destroyed lately.

8)   Was that… a spark?

By the way, no wonder both Jane and Xiomara are so entitled and somewhat irresponsible. Alba just brought an old lady in a wheelchair to the Marbella just because she fancied seeing her granddaughter. Sure, lady, suit yourself. Do whatever you want while you’re on the clock.

9)   She’s not wrong.

Of course she should be supportive, but I honestly can’t think of a more ill-fitted job for Xiomara than bank teller. I give her a day.

10) It’s America, so it sounds legit.

11) Jane was close to figuring it out when “Petra” said she bought the house when in fact she rented it, but then she pulled the “I stopped paying because of our fight.” Instead of getting busted, she got an invite to Jane and Michael’s housewarming party.

12) On the plus side, Magda’s prison buddy just showed up and pressured Petra into following through with their plan and sell the Marbella shares or else she’ll reveal her true identity. Anezka is not an idiot, though, she couldn’t have managed to full everyone FOR MONTHS if she were.  

13) So… now that Petra’s not paying half of their rent, Michael and Jane have to cut their budget to pay for those thousand bucks. After a lot of debating, Jane suggests they should just go ask Rogelio for the rest, promising to pay him back. And while I think that’s okay, I feel it’s a bit OOC for Jane to come to that decision so quickly. She’s very proud and doesn’t like asking for help, especially when it comes to money. Although… since she’s rubbing shoulders with Rafael and Rogelio she’s occasionally taken advantage of the good life they can provide for her, so there’s also that. Is it OOC or is it completely in character?

14) Okay, now that Petra has told Rafael that she wants to sell her shares, he’s starting to notice there’s something fishy.

YES!

….

15) Weird dinner party does not go well, shocks no one.

16) Not only did Xiomara last only a day, but she actually pretended to like the job before admitting to her mother that she was right. But she’s not even good at pretending because she got caught immediately, and humiliatingly. Regardless, all I can think is about the poor old lady being wheeled around the city because Alba just doesn’t give a fuck about her job.

17) Michael figured Jane lied to him about one of the items on their budget, and to be frank, I’m on his side? Jane is keeping information from him as if he was a child who can’t manage his own money, but he’s got a point. She’s been living at her grandma’s house her whole life, her dad pays for her school, Rafael covers most of Mateo’s expenses, and she “survives” on what I can only assume is a part-time job – since she’s barely at the Marbella. So she might not agree with his filing system, but he’s definitely had more experience being financially independent than she has.

18) Ouch! Jane turned down Scott’s bribe, but Lina took it? Behind Jane’s back? And screwing everyone over because of it? That’s awful!

19) OMG Rogelio is babysitting the moron and why are we having these two interact with each other just now?

20) I really enjoyed the scenes where fantasy young Jane helped Alba navigate her relationship with Xiomara since she always was the glue that stuck that family together. I think the writers nailed this one. It was a great way to show that despite Jane not living with them anymore, her influence lingers, and they both have become better persons because of it. That’s a lasting impact that doesn’t simply go away.

It led to Xiomara and Alba having one of their most honest and mature conversations in a while – Alba encouraging Xiomara to take her time finding out what she likes and Xiomara encouraging Alba to go look for her own passion now that she has her green card.  

21) Is Rogelio going to help the moron or break her? Either way, I’m in!

22) Rafael is getting slightly assaulted, isn’t he?

23) Both, I think. He’s breaking her to help her. I hope.

I'm a terrible sister and that's why I want to drink, so that I don't feel this. (…) Because all I do is cause Rafael pain. And I think my ex-lover killed his mother. (…)  I just feel so bad, you know? My brother doesn't deserve this. No matter how many times I've failed him, he's always been there for me. And then now that he has no family, I still can't pull it together and be there for him.

Leave it to Rogelio to make me not only tolerate the most unlikable character in this show but also feel for her.

That being said, I can understand that this is why she wants to drink now, but there must be another reason why she started drinking in the first place.  

24) Why do I continue to be surprised at Rogelio being the best character in this whole show? Not only did he give the moron the best advice anyone has ever given her (“Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”) but he also helped her decide to go to preventative rehab. And then! He told Rafael that he truly is a good person and that he should’ve seen that earlier. And after Rafael told him he was probably not getting the part in the Hallmark movie, he simply shrugged it off and said that Rafael was more important than that. I just want to hug Rogelio forever, he’s such a lovely, wholesome man!

25) It’s not a telenovela without a catfight, right?

26) Jane and Michael finally decided to move to a smaller place until they can actually afford to move back to a bigger one. And then the narrator dropped this bit of foreshadowing…

And friends, they really believed that would happen... but we're not there yet.

Ugh, what does this mean? Will they break up? Will Michael die for real? Please tell me Jane is not getting back together with Rafael because I will culcutabitch! What other reason could there be for them not to follow through with their plans? 

27) Okay, Alba just got a job at the gift shop, so I’m guessing the spark I saw is actually there.

28) “Angels guard the sun”. Those are the words that were underlined in the Bible Rafael’s mother was clutching when she was murdered. I will not try to figure this one out, but I hope it’s something smart.

29) Anezka is fucking ruthless. She demanded Rafael give her permission to sell her shares AND that he sign his own shares over to her.

30) FINALLY!

Ya think?!

But... Of all the things, this is what gave her away? Okay, I guess…

31) While I don’t feel this is one of the most iconic episodes of this show, it was still pretty enjoyable. I especially liked the Xiomara/Alba scenes and development as well as everything Rogelio as always, particularly how he managed to be the first person to make the moron seem human. I’m very excited at the prospect of having Petra back, although I have no idea how they’re going to give closure to the whole Anezka/Magda plot. We’ll see what happens!

32) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

[evilovesyou]

Digging Deeper 🕳

Thanks to @haztobegood and @pocketsunshineharry for the tag! I really liked reading your answers, loves!

I’m tagging @whatagreatproblemtohave @disgruntledkittenface @hazzabeeforlou @reminiscingintherain @wait4ever @muchbetterjulia and @banderlion 

1.Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? Black, mostly. I had a phase where I used fountain pens, I like the blue ink better there.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? The city, I think. I like not having to own a car, but I do love nature. Where I live now I pretty much have the best of both worlds. 

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’d like to be better at woodwork and handiwork. Right now I can come up with makeshift solutions to problems, but I always feel like whatever I make or do around the house is just botched LOL

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Yes in coffee and fruit teas, but I prefer honey to sugar. Nothing sweet in black or herbal teas. 

5. What was your favourite book as a child? When I was very little, I loved to read books about horses. One series I remember getting from the library was called Sternenschweif (My Secret Unicorn in English) and then later I really liked Bartimaeus. 

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers. A bath can be relaxing but only a couple times a year.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? For some reason mermaid was the first one that came to mind? Wouldn’t mind being a vampire or a witch either. 

8. Paper or electronic books? Both. 

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? I bought a couple dresses that I really like the other week. One’s sunflower yellow and the other has printed tulle. I go absolutely nuts for tulle. Most of my graduating collection was made from it hahaha

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I don’t mind it, actually. I think it sounds a bit like your fun older aunt and that’s exactly the energy I’m going for! 

11. Who is a mentor to you? I have someone who I’ve worked with since I was 15 and she was my teacher at some point as well... I look up to her a lot and I’m really thankful that she’s always believed in me and my talent because I wouldn’t be where I am today without her. And I wouldn’t be considering my next steps without her guidance. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? Yes, for what I create. I wan’t to make things that connect to people emotionally and prove to myself that I can be successful in fashion without losing my kindness. 

13. Are you a restless sleeper? I rotate in my sleep, LOL.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? YES!! VERY!!

15. Which element best represents you? Earth. 

16. Who do you want to be closer to? My soulmate who’s hopefully waiting out there for me somewhere. 

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? My friend Dani, who’s working abroad for a while and @harryandlouisdragmedown because I’m upset about all the times we were supposed to meet that COVID ruined. 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I remember my grandpa teaching me how to make traditional Hungarian grave wreaths for All Hallows Day when I was little. He used to sell them to make extra money in the winter. 

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I can’t really think of anything super-strange... I’ve had milk directly from a cow’s udder before?

20. What are you most thankful for? My mother and the way she raised me.

21. Do you like spicy food? Yes!! And I’m going to use this chance to say that “white people don’t like spicy food” is Eastern European erasure!!! 

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Conchita Wurst, if that counts. Oh, and Carrie Hope Fletcher!

23. Do you keep a diary or journal? I have a bullet journal, that I try to keep regularly but that’s mostly just to do lists.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? Depends on what I’m doing! haha

25. What is your star sign? Virgo (Leo moon) 

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Soggy (I know, I’m gross)

27. What would you want your legacy to be? That I created things that made people feel good and that I was kind. 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I love to read! I mostly read fanfic now, but the last book I read was Erebos by Ursula Pozanski. I didn’t really like it though so I wouldn’t recommend. I’m looking forward to starting The Song of Achilles.

29. How do you show someone you love them? I like to make and give gifts and I simply tell them I like them and what I like about them. I pretty much voice every nice thought I have.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Nah, I feel like that’s an American thing? I only like ice in cocktails.

31. What are you afraid of? Failure. That’s my worst fear.

32. What is your favourite scent? Hay in the summer. Just that warm summery scent that’s hay mixed with wildflowers. 

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? It depends. If I meet somebody casually or at a fashion event, I’d go by their first name. In other situations I would use the formal “you” we have in German and probably go for the last name.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I'd buy my mom a house on the outskirts of the city and myself a flat in the city. And I’d want to own a workshop with an attached shop so I can make and sell my stuff in the same place. 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? The ocean, hands down! My favourite are lakes and rivers, then the sea and then pools. I hate the scent of chlorine and how it makes my skin and hair feel.

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? Look around to see if I can see somebody who might’ve lost it and pocket it if it isn’t obvious somebody’s looking for it.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yes! Loads! We used to always sit outside really long into the night during August meteor showers when I was a kid. 

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? To stand up for themselves and be responsible and kind.

39. If you could get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I want a rose on my forearm and maybe some sunflowers on my ankle.  

40. What can you hear now? My mother and my grandma talking over adverts on the TV.

41. Where do you feel the safest? At home. That’s such a basic answer LOL

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? I wish I could get over my fear of taking the master tailor’s exam so I could start realizing my dreams. And I wish I were better at taking care of myself, especially my body.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? I really don’t know. I love the drama and fashion of the 18th and 19th century, but that would only be fun if I were rich and that’s unlikely hahah. 

44. What is your most used emoji? 😂

45. Describe yourself using one word. I asked my mom and she said “annoying” and then she corrected herself to say “pedantic, as in annoyingly perfectionistic.” 😂I think that’s pretty accurate.

46. What do you regret the most? Not listening to myself when I thought I should take a gap year. It resulted in me dropping out of school twice because I was burnt out. 

47. Last movie you saw? Oof. Tom Harlock’s videos on Amberlynn? Ahaha I don’t really watch movies. Although I did watch the Hamilton recording the other day!! 

48. Last tv show you watched? The Epstein documentary on Netflix. I can’t seem to finish shows anymore, but I did finish that one! 

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. If you ask Lynda, I invented the word “légère” hahah 

[strawbwrry]

five ❥ under the rose

four

word count : 3.6k

warnings : slight swearing, a semi graphic description of someone in the first three paragraphs, so like watch out lmao, also some pieces of important info so look out!

hello! i’m finally releasing the f i f t h chapter! this chapter was originally going to be 1k maybe even less, but as you can tell it ended up much long that anticipated! i hope you enjoy chapter five! i’d also like to say : under the rose will most likely be finished by maybe march? (rough estimate!) it’s most likely going to have ten(ish) chapters. so around there!

song rec : you calling my name ❥ got7

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chapter five

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I shot up from my bed, my hands hurriedly going to turn on the small bedside lamp. My head pounded against my skull, my heart raced frantically, my chest felt constricted. I sat up in bed, pulling my knees up to my chest as I tried to let my breathing even out. I closed my eyes tightly and stayed still, trying to even out my breathing. A sudden knock at my window startled me, I swallowed nervously, then hesitantly turned around to look at who or whatever knocked on my window. I felt my breath get caught in my throat, I stared wide eyed at the grotesque disfiguration of a face staring back at me. I felt my stomach churn as the figure slowly began to get taller and taller, long dark hair flew messily in the wind, her skin had shrunken and darkened sticking tight to her bones, as she moved skin tore, a daunting smile loomed over me. She lifted her hands, a few of her fingers hanging from their sockets, the over almost completely torn up, she slapped her palm against my window. She moved away, as she did so I heard the faintest whisper in my ear,

“You’ll pay for what you’ve done.”

As I saw her mutilated body move from my vision, I cried. I wasn’t exactly sure why I was crying, just that I was. I felt absolutely destroyed seeing her there, her destroyed body stuck at something deep inside, a feeling I couldn’t understand. She seemed familiar in a scary way, a way that seemed much to close for comfort. I sucked it up. I wiped my tears, sniffled, then moved to sit at the edge of my bed. I checked the time on the clock that was placed just by my bedside lamp, then sighed, it was 4:43 AM. There was only one person I could tell this too, but I wasn’t sure if I should. I stood up then moved the change, I walked to the restroom to wash my face and drowned at the sight that was before my eyes. I hadn’t slept, I had been crying, I looked horrible.

While walking out of the bathroom I saw my dad, holding clothes in his hand, as he walked to the bathroom. He ruffled my hair as we walked last eachother, “Morning honeybee.” I smiled, greeting him back sleepily as I yawned and reached up to fix the hair that now laid messily on my head. I picked up two bowls, placed one on the table by the milk I had just taken out and got cereal.

I stared off into the distance as I ate my cereal quietly, I stood up and walked towards the sink, washed my bowl and walked to the door. I slipped my shoes on and stepped out, yelling a goodbye as I exited the house. I stood on my porch and stared off into the distance, the sun had not yet fully risen, and it was still dark.

Baby steps.

I walked around the neighborhood and saw men leaving for work, women watching their husbands leave, the occasional cry from an infant, a few barks coming from dogs as they saw me pass by. I wasn’t sure where I was going or what I was doing, but it wouldn’t matter anyways. I felt so out of place, yet somehow it felt correct almost standing out as the cold early morning breeze blew by me, freezing the tips of my fingers and the tip of my nose completely. It was bizarre really. Bizarre how wrong and how right something could feel at once. I came across a fountain that was erected in the center of Cerisecreek. Replacing the fountain currently was a monument, an ugly one at that. I sat by the fountain and watched how my breath fogged up the air I exhaled and frustratedly rubbed my cold face with my somehow even colder hands.

It was sudden, it came from no where. She sat down besides me and gave me a small smile. She took off her gloves and handed them to me, then placed a beanie on the top of my head. I turned to look at the woman who sat besides me and her smile grew, her nose grew tinted red. There was this moment, this moment where everything set in. Her smile was always the same, her eyes beautiful as always, her signature mole still in the same place. I felt overwhelmed in all honesty.

“You’ll get sick love.”

I watched as her eyes gleamed with tears, her now bare hands holding mine as she slipped her fuzzy gloves onto my hands. I could tell she was cold, her face continuously reddened in the cold air, her eyes becoming lighter as the sun rose presenting us with just slightly more heat than it had previously. She had the same caring demeanor I remember her having, her fingers were delicate against my hands, she gently tilted my head upwards to look me straight in the eyes, her soft caring eyes stared back into mine. Her eyes were teary as she stared at me, a gentle smile still carved into her face, she leaned in and placed a small kiss to my forehead before standing up.

“I’ll see you soon Honeybee!”

I stared at the young woman who walked away from me, I wanted desperately to cry, but I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself. Lee Sujin. I hadn’t known her for long, but when I did she was incredibly important in my life. I didn’t have many memories with her, but the one that rested especially close to me might’ve been an odd one. I only watched as she seemingly disappeared into the early morning clutter of people. I didn’t know her too well, but much better than you’d expect. I had lost track of her for the second time in my life. I watched her disappear for the second time. Would I ever get to spend time with her again?

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I seemed to have especially good luck loosing people in my life. At least that’s what I thought. On my way towards Minhee’s house I watched as I saw children play gleefully on their front yards, wide smiles, and playful giggles could be heard from a mile away. I frowned. I passed by them quickly, my cold hands, and face screamed for warmth. I stood in front of his house, suddenly he came running out, his clothing messy, his face still groggy, only holding a piece of cookie in his hand. I giggled at his state, his body stopped right in front of mine prompting me too look up at him, his eyes wandering down towards mine, his warm hand came up to cup my cheek and I smiled at the sudden warmth spreading across the left side of my face. I placed my gloved hand on top of his and he giggled, his nose scrunching up in the way I had always loved. My smile grew as his lips turned up in a wide smile, my lips leaned up to press gently against his before pulling back quickly from him. I turned back to see his flushed face looking back at mine, he caught up with me and took my right hand into his and held it was we walked.

His face as I told him the two event from earlier was laughable, at the first story his face was scrunched in disgust, at the second confusion painted over his face. “You know Sujin?” I nodded, my brows knitting in confusion at his recognition of the name Sujin. “That’s Eunsang’s sister. You know the story Yunseo’s grandma told us? She’s the sister her grandma never saw again after he died.” I blinked rapidly, shock rippling through my body as he said that. His hand grabbed mine, “Are you okay Y/N?”

“Minhee you don’t understand, that’s my grandma. Minhee, Eunsang is my granduncle, she’s my grandma.”

His jaw dropped, he had never known much of my family life except that it wasn’t great. In all honesty, I didn’t know much either. “Minhee can we go get a newspaper?” He looked confused at the question but nodded, “Yeah, let’s go.” He led me towards the stand selling newspapers, digging through his jeans to scrounge up 15 cents, to which he spent 10 of them on a newspaper. We walked towards a nearby bench, he plopped himself behind me as rested his arm around the back of the bench. I opened up the newspaper paper and turned through the pages before landing on one page. Minhee leaned in closer as he read the article, “Lee Myungja.” I nodded as I stared at the dark picture printed largely across the paper,

“Minhee something about this doesn’t make sense.”

“What about it doesn’t make sense?”

“The Lee Myungja part. Who is she? Why do I have her wooden box? How did her box end up at that house if she died last night?”

“Y/N do you still have that letter I gave you?”

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“What does the letter have to do with this?”

He peeked my phone case off my phone to find a one dollar bill and the folded up paper of the letter, “Have you read it yet?” I shook my head. He unfolded the paper to find the message again and sighed in relief. He spread it out on the table, and I squinted in confusion, “Minhee who wrote this letter? I know you didn’t write this letter.” He sighed as his fingers gently continued to spread the letter out flat, “Do you really want to know?” I nodded and watched as he let out a breath of shakiness, his head looked at mine and his eyes stayed trained on mine, “Your mom did.”

I looked back down at the writing, realizing how the lack of her presence had made me begin to forget her. Her writing caster a sense of sadness over me, the sudden weight of her death weighing over me heavily, his hand landed on mine and he gave me a gentle smile, “She’s still here. I know everybody says that, but she’s really still here. Read the letter Y/N.”

Dear Y/N

How are you? If you’re reading this then it’s probably been a good few months since I died right? Y/N I need you and Minhee to be careful. She works in patterns. First it’s him, then a year few months or years later, then it’s you. Y/N there’s so much I need to tell you, there’s so many reasons you’ll never understand why I made you do things, it’s time for you to know now.

You know her. None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for her. Y/N I’m not sure if it’s too late, but you have to know this, I didn’t die, neither did your grandma, or your great grandma. Y/N you have to know this, I’m with you. Let me tell you how she does it:

- you fall in love

- you date for a while

- then the person you loved disappears

- she drives you to insanity constantly reminding you of them

- just when you think you’ve found them and can save them

- she kills you

- then your forced to watch your other loved ones die

Y/N, this is all just a sick trap, one that we couldn’t escape, one that I’m not sure most people could. Y/N, you have to show this to Yunseo. She knows something you don’t, but only she can tell you.

I love you so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from her. Will you promise me something?

Promise me you’ll end her vengeance.

With love,

Mom

I stared at the letter for just a bit longer, my hands began to fold it once again, Minhee watched my reaction carefully. Watched as I folded the letter quietly and shoved it back in between my case and my phone, and watched as I slowly let the wall I had built high, break all at once. I’d never let him see me like this, or anyone besides Yunseo. I leaned my head against his shoulder and just laid there, nothing really went through my head besides the constant thoughts of what was going on. I would’ve cried, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. The whole ordeal was slowly breaking away everything I thought I knew about anything, what would happen from here?

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"Minhee, something about this picture is weird. When I say that I mean it this picture is unsettling!”

The picture. We had to start from somewhere. What does that mean? I stared at the faces that rested behind colored x’s. I wasn’t sure what to make of them.

“Wait wait wait, that one looks like Sujin, and that one looks like Eunsang.” His face neared the photo, “Holy shit your right.”

“They’re behind the blue x’s. That one vaguely looks like Seungwoo.” Minhee stared at the photo, pulled it away from his face then squinted again, “Minhee what the hell are you looking at?” He passed the picture to me, I grabbed this with my thumb and pointer finger and looked at it, not noticing anything other than brightly colored x’s and hidden faces, “Y/N look at the black x on the left side.”

“Okay, and..?”

“Does it or does it not look just like Yunseo?” I stared at the x, and the more I looked at it, the more I shifted the picture, the less opaque the x’s became. I filled nervously, my eyes widening, “Minhee, are the x’s still opaque for you?”

“Yeah, are they not for you?”

“Minhee I recognize everyone in the picture, but I can’t put a name to the woman behind the red x. The two blue x’s are Sujin and Eunsang. Seungwoo is behind the green x, and Yunseo is behind the black x.” Minhee stared at the red x, “Y/N doesn’t that vaguely look like the woman on the newspaper from earlier? What’s her name, Myungja?”

We looked at the picture for a moment before I understood, before something finally struck through my mind, I leapt forwards placing a kiss to Minhee’s lips, staying there momentarily, then pulled back. My mind racing with answers, yet filling up with more questions. “Minhee you’re a genius! How are these people connected? Yunseo looks like she’s 7, Eunsang looks 17, and Sujin looks 20 ish. Myungja and Seungwoo look late 30’s? 40’s?”

“Y/N in the story Yunseo’s grandma told us...she met Eunsang when helping in a photo studio right? They were there for a family picture! What if this is that picture? Or one of them?”

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It didn’t hit that I had fallen asleep with Minhee on my bed, till the next morning when I woke up. The last thing I remembered being staring at the news article looking for clues on what to do next, maybe even just to confirm our thoughts, pretty much anything. We came across nothing, it was then I remembered the letter. I knew I had to find Yunseo, I had to tell her, I had to ask her what she knew. The family picture seemed to fake, their dynamic looked forced, more uncomfortable than anything I could imagines, if it was a family picture...why are they so uncomfortable? Nothing made sense.

What did Yunseo know that I didn’t?

Minhee’s arms were right around my midriff, he seemed to hug tighter now that we were with each other again. His lips were pouted, his eyebrows furrowed, and eyelids closed delicately closed leaving his fluttering eyelashes resting against his skin. For just a moment, my thoughts dissipated as I laid against him and breathed out. I knew I had to get back to 2019, or what was soon to be 2020, but the idea of not being with Minhee once again teared at my heart, what if something happened while I was gone? Then I’d know it was my fault.

My eyes stayed viewing his face, gently messing with the messy black hair the fell in front of his face as he slept. The moment seemed so peaceful, an ethereal moment I had needed, till it wasn’t.

His breathing got heavy, his face muscles began to contort, his arms tightened, his eyes shot open. His body was quickly sat up, leaving me laying besides him in a state of shock.

What the fuck had that been?

His head instantly turned to look at mine, his eyes tearing up prompting me to shuffle across the messy sheets and hug him, he chuckled softly through tears and looked at me, “Y/N you need to go soon, it’s not safe here. You’re only safe with Yunseo, you shouldn’t be here.”

“Minhee what are you talking about?” I stared at his face as he tried his hardest to steady his breath, watching as his lips trembled and cheeks became stained with the trails his tears had taken, it hurt seeing him like this. “I saw how you..died. Y/N please just promise me you’ll go. It’s now safe now, you’ll only be safe with Yunseo.”

“Minhee, I’ll go...but you have to promise me something?” He nodded softly his hands moving to pull me closer, “What do you want me to promise Y/N?”

“Promise me you’ll stay safe. That’s it.”

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So here I stood in front of the house, the house that frightened me in many ways I couldn’t describe, 0621—17 Marmalade Moon Avenue. I held onto Minhee’s hand tightly, I nervously played with his fingers as I cane to look up at the large house. It really was a gorgeous house, but a gorgeous house lost in time at that, as I looked at the house it seemed like the house aged itself, every second falling into a greater state of disrepair until I blinked and it was back to normal. Everything about today felt odd, a little peculiar. Everyday seemed too differ much to largely from the last, a thing I was unaccustomed to. I only being used to the same boring dull days I had lived where I had moved. The trees were essentially bare, the house same as always, but the feeling making this much harder than it already was. I turned to face Minhee and watched as he looked past me, his eyes landing on something behind me before looking at me. A small smile settled onto his face as he looked at me, his hand cupping my cheek, I only smiled at him, “Minhee I promise I’ll be okay. Please don’t worry.”

He nodded slightly, staying quiet as his hands tensed up by my cheeks, he leaned down and kissed me softly before pulling away, “I’m glad you came here, even if you shouldn’t be here anymore, you being here made everything feel like it’d be alright for just a bit.” I smiled softly at the tall male standing before me, he was hiding something. That I was sure of, he seemed so genuinely scared, that I pretty much instantly knew he hadn’t told me everything he knew. Nevertheless I stayed quiet, he’d tell me at some point. He always did.

I left his hold and began walking towards the house, his hand held onto mine, my fingertips slipping from his slowly as I walked further and further away from him. “I love you Y/N. There’s just things you need to hear from Yunseo that I have no right to tell you.” I smiled softly while facing away from him, “When I finally hear them from her, will you tell me what you have to tell me?” I could almost feel the small smirk come into his face as I walked closer towards the house and further away from him, “You know me too well. When you know, I’ll

tell you what I have to say.”

I kept my eyes still on the rose bush growing right by the porch, “I love you too Minhee.”

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One second I was in 1969, the next I was in 2019. I looked up at the decayed house and couldn’t help but wonder: what about this house was so special? I began walking away from the house and was faced with the odd landscapes the now felt so unfamiliar. The once gorgeous fountain replaced with quite honestly the ugliest statue ever built, each store brought an odd sense of emptiness, the center filled to the brim with people, I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt. On one end this was the version of Cerisecreek I knew by heart, yet everything about it felt so empty? I was sure why so either. My feet automatically brought back to Yunseo’s house. I opened the door to be faced with Yunseo day at the couch watching TV quietly. She looked frozen in time, as she saw me walk in she instantly stood up, her hand reaching out for mine and pulling me back out of the house I’d just entered. “Dongpyo is back, and the three of us have to talk about something.”

I let her lead me, to my surprise there we were, back at the house I’d come to be confused by. As we entered the decaying house joined by Dongpyo we all sat in a circle on the dusty floor, much to my discontent, and they began. Dongpyo looked guilty, his eyes saying almost nothing as he looked away from my gaze. His cheeks flushed. Yunseo’s hand gripped onto my tightly, her gaze dropped to the floor before looking back at Dongpyo,

“Where do I start?”

[cybernightwanderer]

“ My Reiki and Yoga New Free Soul Brother - Once an abuser manipulative thieve , money driven leach “

Well thats a big tittle to describe one person entirely. So my ( midle ) brother across my kid years and then teenager developing to adult, my brother was an interesting person. For example, in school my brother would pretend he didnt know me , and if i even dared to aproach him he would shame me in front of everyone, even thought they already knew i was his sister, i was bullied a lot in school so at the start i tried a few times reaching out to him , specially because i didnt have any friends and id always be alone. This motherfucker who was already a teenager completly dismissed me , BUT would actually seek me out or talk to me when he needed lunch money because he already “ spent his”, funny enough hed get mine to eat coz he didnt wanna use his, and if i didnt gave him even though i hadnt eaten , he would guilty me badly , and being the kid that i was , my brother was everything to me , even tho he didnt gave a shit about me.

So in consequence i started drawing a distance line between me and him, at home id start to distance myself and ignore him. And he started getting like a really attention whore, hed always annoye me , and force me to hangout, and i didnt he would threaten me or do some shit at the house and blame me for it , because my mother at the tinniest shit at home would beat the crap out of me , so me being the little kid that i was tired of getting beatings for no random reason , id play along. My brother would literally antagonzie me and scare the shit out of me while so. Everytime my family went anywhere , for example the beach, id try to go to the water alone for some peace this motherfucker would sneak behind me and try to drown me as a joke , like every 5 minutes, id yell in panic and my mom wouldnt do shit, eventually id end up actually chocking on water and  hit my head on the sand and cry the rest of the time. So yeah FUN ! Did my mom do anything ? ofc no , “ hes just playing around “. I had BD collections that id buy with my lunch money that sometimes id save up, disney movie cassettes and so on. Sometimes id have snacks in my room to eat when studying or something. My brother, being a full grown ass teenager that he was , would steal everything without me even catching a glimpse of it. My brother would “ borrow “ things without asking then hide them because he wanted. I had two final fantasy collectible caracters that i spent my leftover bday money on, and my brother would take it as his own. Yes because whatever birthday money i got wether it be 50 euros or even 20 from my grandma or aunt, my mom would take it “ borrowed” for herself with no justification, shed always say “ Ah lend me i need it  / or / I always buy you clothes and everythings, i buy you food , you owe me this , thats the minimum you could do / “ or / she would just take it without me knowing , she would inspect my bday gifts and take it before hand , the problem is that my grandma or aunt would always after if i was gonna save it up and id ask what and they would question what i did with the money and i would ask what money and blah blah , you get where this is going.

OH and if i didnt give my money the money she would beat me up ! wich is funny asf. My brother literally sold all my things behind my back, my original BDS, MY FUCKING POISON IVY STORYLINE BD, my disney cassetes , my collectibles, and my snacks he would steal and eat. If i had saved up money hidden, first he would try to borrow it and guilty me with the “ im such a good brother to you , you cant even lend me money ? i will pay you back, trust me “ ... ofc he never payed me back , but every two weeks he woul do this shit. And if i by any chance didnt gave him , hed just steal, or sell my things, wich regardless of me lending him , he would do it anyway. Fast forward to my early teenage years, i had to start working , i quit school because we entered that internet deth with my moms company, wich my brother also contributed to but let the blame to me ofc, i was already the punch bag of the family what is one more thing. My brothers were always my moms “ babies “ even tho one was already a full grown ass man and the other was already on his way. My brother did nothing at home , didnt take the dog outside, didnt take out the trash, didnt make food, didnt wash the dishes, didnt clean the house, basicly sit on his ass all day playing video games and eating, and selling my shit for money. My brother was unemployed for 3/4 years in between those i studied and worked at the same time , and did all the house chores, even if i had to walk the dog as 2/3 am after work i would have to, even tho my brother was in bed all day. My mom would literally yell at me and make my life a living hell and threaten to hit me if i didnt do it or even dared to complain. I would get home trying to study , trying to recorver at school ,and she would yell non stop until i didn every house chore, wich i would only manage to finish at midnight or later, and then id be too tired and unmotivated to do anything so id just sleep, and id always get late to class thanks to that. When my brothers started working, it was at my dads wearehouse, where i was forced to work too. Id work 8 to 10 hours , sometimes more, because we got payed by publicity stock packs, each pack was worth 1 euro, wich also 1 pack took 1 hour and 15/20 minutes to make. So if i wanted to make the day worth anything i had to rush , no eating breaks or pee breakes. My hands at the end of the day would literally be filled with newspaper and printed paper ink and dirk, and tons of cuts and sores , that would be leeched in paper ink, wich make it hurt even more at the end of the day, and was really hard to take it out. My brother would take breaks every 30 minutes to smoke , be on his phone or even go to bathroom or eat randomly, i wouldnt stop the 8 hours straight, and when i actually had to go to the bathroom or eat something because id get sick, my brother literally stole packs from me, or try to “ negociate my help for X “, the thing about my brother is that hed always try to negociate something , ofc it was always entangled for his own benefit and not both.

So it was like this my brother came up to me all excited and say “ oh if you do this to help me , ill split the profit that way we will make more and will be less exausting “ stupid like i was id always give in, specially because if i didnt  hed steal anyway.... Hed always change his methods and works, and guilty me if i didnt do it, so id always have to do so. If i didnt hed just change the pack registration list either way, without me even seeing it, and fake my signature, i only found out we had to sign an official paper a few months later when my dad asked, before that my brother would always tell me to note them on my phone then send the numbers by the end of the week, and since he was the bosses son , every one backed up that story ofc.  Eventually when i started to get older , i cut ties with my brothers and dad. And my ( midle ) brother was constantly trying to reach out and play nice and shit , also he was still working at the wearhouse . Anyway , fast forward when i got unemployed after the 5 star hotel due to rape attent and shit like that, i was unemplyoyed for 4 moths?! My brother tried to reach out , and even came home before my mother to try and persuade me to enter one of his schemes, i explained to my brother that i didnt have any money and that i wouldnt believe anymore of his stupid schemes and blah blah. He swore he was only trying to make up to me , and the plan was , i would pretend to work at my dads  wearehouse, but i would just be there 2 times a week and he would give me a cut of the protfit, coz if he didnt want my dad to hire some random slow guy, so he set up to do a two persons work, and give me 30 % of the monthy rate and all i had to do is show up a few times for my dad to see i was there, and then go home. That motherfucker insisted for 3 days straight promissing it wasnt a scheme and that he was serious this time. OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDNT HAPPEN OBVIOUSLY- with the last 10 euros i had, i bought train tickers to the wearhouse, the first week he actually stick to his word, a few days later the shit started, he actualy forced me to deliver shit and stuff. Wich for me was really difficult because its when i started to develop hernias, and the pain was too overwhealming, and that fucker didnt care and still forced me to, eventually i told him i was out , and found out he still used my name in his shit plan  and pretended i was still working there to my dad for two whole months , and then begged me to lie to my dad on the phone, hed literally call me before my dad trying to get me to lie, and promissing the money, and hed ask my mom to pressure my to help him. What could i do??!! what happend after you may ask? did my brother gave me the money? OFC NO ! NO! He gave me 115 euros of the cut , and he made 996 euros to himself. And told me it was only for the days “ i actually worked “  NEVER IN MY LIFE  I VERBALLY EVER SAID TO ANYONE , FAMILY OR NOT  “ I hope you die, you are shit , you are nothing to me , seriously i hope you die “ and acually meant it and wished it. For the first time in my life i actually wished so hard for my brother to just die. I was done, i was officialy done , i had never been so done with someone. I was officialy done with my family. I blocked my dad on everything, i told my dad to fuck off. I told my older brother to fuck off. I told my middle brother to go die. And the last person was my dying grandma who was a snob ass piece of shit who only gave a shit about me when i was a little girl ( because its only cute when they r kids  ), to stop trying to call me and told her to just go and die. She literally sent me a voice message of 5 minutes crying beggin me to see her, and i just told her to go and die, its not because she is dying that is gonna erase the fact that she didnt gave a shit about me after i actually grown. And the fact that i did this apparently scared the shit out my dad and brothes, specially because i did it so naturally. AND TO THIS DAY I DONT REGRET WHAT I SAID AND I STILL DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER. OH AND PLOT TWIST SHES NOT DEAD NOR WAS SHE DYING, LAST YEAR SHE TRIED TO SCHEME MONEY OUT OF MY MOM, AND BEFORE THAT SHE WOULD ALWAYS TREAT MY MOM LIKE SHIT AN CALL HER NAMES, FUNNY ! Now they try to sneak into my life really AGAIN ... ffs Since the end of last year, apparently my brother turned into reiki and yoga and shit and is now driving a motivational fuck page for people who wanna “ grow spiritually and open the third eye “ and is trying to reconnect with me again, obviously i cut him off before he could even talk to me. So he spent 3 months or so , coming here and trying, and since he didnt get anything since january and february hes trying to manipulate me behind my mother, my mother is venting to my brother about me being closed off to them , and my brother is DIAGNOSING ME AS A PROBLEM, BECAUSE HE IS SO WISE AND ENLIGHTED... WTF??? diagnosing me??? ur not a fucking therapist you asshole ! The other day i heard him tell my mother in the living room , that “ SHE CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ITS VERY TOXIC FOR HER, SHE HAS TO TALK TO YOU AND BE A BETTER SISTER AND DAUGHTER SHE NEEDS TO BLAH BLAH YOU NEED TO KICK HER OUT IF SHE IS LIVING OFF YOU  “ WHAT THE FUCK?? im living off my mother?? the woman that forced me to give her more than half of my paycheck, thats doesnt give me privacy or respect and that literally threatned me if i ever tried to leave that she would chase me down???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OR SEND ME TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL????!!!! ... My older brother is doing the same, keeps trying to get me to go visit his kid, and to meet his kid, keeps trying to get my mother to see pictures of the kid or to call them. They keep trying to guilty me “ oh you cant take it out on the kid, its not the kids fault , he needs to know his aunt, you are his family “ BITCH FAMILY?????? FAMILY??? family doesnt mean shit. Yesterday even sent photos of his kid trought a new number LOL. I actually did went to the kids birthday, first time a few months ago, and guess what , my brother still the NO ONE ASKED- OPINIONATED asshole he was about my whole life, he literally takes one glimpse of me and judges my whole life and starts yelling shit at me ...ofc thats not gonna happend again. People dont change. People. dont. change. PEOPLE DONT CHANGE ! BITCH ?? WHAT? WHO THE FCK?? HOW THE FUCK??? In conclusion my brother is still the same piece of shit he was , and now even more narcisistic, and manipulative, he cant get what he wants from me , so now hes resourting to my mother again. I NEED TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE, I NEED TO LEAVE THIS FAMILY OMFG. Funny enough he does this shit then tries to get me to go to his house to celebrate his birthday because he “ MISSES ME AND THE OLD DAYS” ???? OLD DAYS OF YOU MENTALY ABUSING ME ? NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ALMOST BROKE MY ARM BECAUSE I WOULDNT LEND YOU MY COMPUTER 3 YEARS AGO????? my mom literally told him we were gonna go there without even asking me if i wanted or even if i was gonna go. LOL, shes trying to emotionally manipulate me with older pictures of me and him , and games we would play together LOL. OMFG PLEASE SOME ONE, I DONT EVEN KNOW I NEED TO DIE OMFG... I CANT TAKE THIS FAMILY ANYMORE.

[judgement-free-sideblog]

What kind of flowers?

Summary: After missing the funeral and all things falling into place Barry struggles with how to approach Chris's family and deals with guilt.

Barry Berkman x Reader (not romantic)

Roses and sunflowers were in their baskets ready for today's work, you turned on the old neon sign that read Y/L/N Flowers, with a couple letters off but still working, like if was that complicate to repair it, but that costs money, thanks Dad!, but for real you loved taking care of the store as a part time job.

As corny as it could sound there were things that people could say better with flowers, and you simply love to help people to move on their stories, especially when they look as lost as the man who had spend the last 15 minutes deciding coming in or not, and looked at the flowers almost scared.

"How can I help you?" You said when he finally decided to come in.

"I'm looking for some flowers" he said again not entirely confident about his decision.

"Oh sorry we don't sell those anymore, this are rentals" You couldn't help it, but since he didn't react you add "That was a joke, a bad one apparently, what kind of flowers do you need sir?"

"I... I actually don't know" he sounded sincere so you walked out from behind the desk, to try to help him

"Well what do you want them for? Are you celebrating or are you apologizing?" You asked, he didn't look that old, late thirties probably, he was really tall and have nice but sad blue eyes. "Troubles with the wife?" He didn't say anything "Husband??" He give you an odd look, not sure if you were teasing him or not.

"There are for a friend, amm for his... funeral" He said and you immediately felt like an idiot.

"Oh I'm so sorry sir" You started and trying to look professional took a binder from the desk "Well in that case we have a catalogue fill with dozens of floral arrangements, and we have an excellent delivery system, you just have to give us the address" You point to a little siting area were he could review the pictures comfortably.

"No, the thing is his funeral was like a week ago, I just couldn't go there, and now I want to bring flowers to his wife but I'm not really sure, why don't you pick them?" He said and you went to sit next to him.

"Well I would love to help you out, but since it was your friend maybe you would like it to be more personal, how close you were?" You said taking the catalogue from his hands and looking for a couple specific pictures.

"Not that close really" He said, "I mean I knew him for a long time but we haven't actually talk much recently" you could tell he needed someone to talk so you gave him a minute and went to the back of the store to get him a cup of coffee and gave him to him. He look confused at you but took it.

"Well my father always say, and this is such a cliche, that when you can't say something with words flowers are the best option" He took a sip of coffee and nodded "my grandma on the other hand said that she wanted flowers when she was alive, because dead were just trash" You add with a grin and he finally let go a small smile. "What I'm trying to say is whatever you pick will be fine."

"It's just unfair you know?" His voice sounded broken but honest "His wife and his child need him, and I feel like this attempt to be nice to them is just plain useless and ridiculous, I mean why do people even send flowers? Is so stupid, in a couple years when his child needs a father to teach him how to drive, the flowers won't help him, and when his wife feels alone and when they don't have any money or something like that who would be there for them?" He wasn't trying to be rude but there was a profound guilt in the way he talked and you only feel compassion for him and let him continue "And I'm here after a wonderful day with my girlfriend and my life couldn't be any better, and I feel like a hypocrite because I get to have that when his family is probably living a literal hell, so tell me, please tell me, what kind of flowers would make that go away?" For a moment you thought he may throw the cup to the ground but he only put it down on the table with his fists clenched, and breath heavily.

"Look I don't know anything about your life, nor your friend's, but what I do know is that in the end the best way we have to honor those we miss is taking care of those they left behind" You felt tempted to put your hand in his shoulder but you didn't and instead you pick up the coffee mug "And you are right, flowers are something simple and ridiculous when you put things in perspective, but they are also a start, why don't you choose something for the family? And then when you give it to them you can figure how to start making things more fair?"

"This are nice" he said pointing at one of the pictures, hiding his face from you. "I think she might like them"

"Fine, and also carnations mean good luck, that's a nice message" You tell him "I'll have them in a minute" You went back to the back for a few minutes and you got an idea.

"Thanks" He said once he had paid for the arrangement and was about to leave.

"Wait, take this, on the house" You said and gave him a small bouquet of yellow roses. "This are for your friend, in case you need to say sorry to him, for whatever it is that you feel sorry for"

He only nodded and took them before walking away, you were sure you'll never see him again, but you were hopeful that he could find the peace he needed.

[lighterandpaper]

The Boys are Back in Town

Photo by @clairerushphotography

A Grandma steps out her back door and calls, “Ethan, Katie! When are all these friends of yours coming over? I want to make them food!” 

Two teenagers stand down the hill by a huge stack of firewood. “Whenever they freaking feel like it, Grandma!” Ethan screams. “Just make it now!” 

Grandma amiably sidles back inside. 

“Like, food doesn’t have to be a certain temperature,” he says more quietly. 

“Yeah...” Katie says, eyes darting from Ethan, to where Grandma was, to the firewood. “Dang, man, I think everyone from school is going to be impressed with this bonfire you put together.” 

“Yeah,” Ethan says. “I used pretty much all the gasoline in the shed. It’s going to be epic.” 

“Super cool...” Katie says. “I just really like that we kept each other company through high school. I think we’re about to get a lot cooler with this bonfire and everything, but I just wanted to say, when things are different, and we have lots of different friends, I just wanted to let you know that it was really cool just being kind of a loser with you. I might even miss it!” She shrugs with extreme nonchalance. “One this bonfire goes off and everyone sees how badass we are, that’s kinda over.” 

“Yeah, you’re right...” he says, nodding. “I guess you never know when you’re in the good old days until they’re over. I’m really going to miss it just me and you. And that’s over once this badass fire goes off at this party and everyone thinks we’re really cool. It’s out of my hands at this point! We’ll always be friends, but the boys are kinda over, you know?” 

“Yeah...” Katie says. “Remember we used to ride our bikes up and down the culdesac and play ‘The Boys are Back in Town’ by Thin Lizzy? And we’d laugh because I’m not a boy, and we never left town. Those were our jokes! That was so funny how we didn’t care about society.” 

“Yeah, and now we’re basically going to be the pharaohs of society.” He breathes out profoundly. “How do we even think about this? Like, I know that Jesus said that the weak inherit the Earth, but we’re about to become the king of kings. When I light this bad boy up, it’s basically Rockefeller center.” 

“I love how you’re so good at integrating things we learn in school into conversation. I can’t wait for the cool kids to appreciate that about you.” Katie says. “Can you imagine not having time to play video games all day and eat Cheetos? We’ll probably have to toss a football or drink a beer or something.” 

“I don’t want to imagine that!” Ethan says. He looks at the bonfire and then looks at Katie. “Should we tear down this Frankenstein monster before it can wreak havoc on our perfect lives?” 

“Yeah...” Katie says. “I remember your book report of Frankenstein and think we should really learn from it. Let’s tear it all down and go back to being like Bonnie and Clyde.” 

“Yeah, or the Wright Brothers or whatever.” 

“Yeah...” Katie says. “This could really stunt our growth if we got too popular. I mean, we’re only 15.” 

“I’m almost 16.” 

“Yeah... We could, like, lose our edge and become like lame adults that like, sell things.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s tear it down.” Ethan steps forward. 

“Wait,” Katie says. “I got an idea. Let’s light it up before anyone gets here.” 

“Just for the boys.” 

“Just for the boys,” Katie says. They clasp hands and do their secret handshake. 

Inside the house, grandma is washing a potato in the sink and watching the kids out the window with a peaceful smile on her face. It turns to worry when a fireball erupts from the center of all the firewood. She drops the potato and hurries to the door. A moment later, two blackened teenagers burst in, screaming. 

“Are you OK Ethan!” she shrieks. 

“I think we’re OK, Mrs. Diesendorf!” Katie shouts. 

“The boys are back in town!” says Ethan. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQo1HIcSVtg

[smokinholsters]

The Consequence of Anger - Part 2

This is an AU One Shot in two parts, it takes place about 2 years past 8:4 when Ty hits Ahmed.

Amy was happy to hug her back, the words said back at the table two years ago though remembered didn’t hold the same salty taste they did. Two years had gone by and she missed Alberta and being home.

She’d made peace with them all except for Ty who couldn’t let go soon enough and probably still hadn’t. Amy just couldn’t deal with the heartache of it anymore. She had done what needed to be done, it was best this way and she was ready to move on.

“Why didn’t you let anyone know you were coming, is everything Ok ?”

“It’s fine Lisa, the season’s over as is my contract and I didn’t renew.”

“He offered ?”

“I’ve had several offers aside from his, I wanted to come home.”

“Well, let’s get you settled and I’ll call Lou and your dad.”

“Not tonight Lisa, not my dad, give me one day of peace.”

“Then let’s not tell Lou till later. Georgie and Katie are home and Jack should be back from the herd soon.”

She didn’t get in before both Georgie and Katie gave her hugs and kisses with explanations about why she was home early and their promise not to tell Tim or their mom. Amy and Georgie had made peace once Georgie realized the sacrifice she had made. Georgie had also matured some and becoming a young woman came with a different perspective and attitude. That and the fact that the #metoo surge in awareness was becoming front and center didn’t hurt, from any perspective. Amy was naïve for way too long, she was not that Amy anymore.

She implored Lisa that the chicken she had out was fine and not to make a fuss over dinner. She was tired and just wanted a home cooked meal and relaxation, one day before life took over.

Amy came out when Jack got in and they sat having coffee. She had removed her makeup and changed into jeans, a tank and a flannel. They talked about Europe and several of the people they had met together when the couple visited. Invariably Ty’s name came up.

“Uhm Ty ?” Jack asked. “Have you given that any thought ?”

Amy smiled “not at all Grandpa, why would coming home to Heartland make me think of Ty ?”, she was laughing by the end of the statement. “What ? not funny ?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I guess we’ll talk but do you think there’s a point ?”

Lou walked in then and was as surprised as the rest and after going through the vagaries of jumping world contracts once again settled as the fourth at the small kitchen table.

“Lisa, I need a realtor, I have to find a horse property.”

“You’re not staying here ?”

“We going to go through this again Grandpa ? I think I can have 8 Warmbloods here weeks after I can house them comfortably in a place they can be trained. You and I both know that’s not going to happen here.”

“I’ll get you some names honey.”

Amy smiled at her, Lisa didn’t question her about it at all. “How’s things at Fairfield ?”

“Oh you know, let’s change the subject.”

“Anything I can help with, what’s the problem ?”

“Thoroughbred racing follows the economy, we rode high for a time but things are a bit tight right now, I’ve thought of selling.”

“Change focus, maybe board and train like Val, at least you’re not a witch.”

“Val’s not a witch Amy.”

“Thanks Grandpa, she put Mallen on me when I was 15, should we go on ?”

“She’s changed a little since then.”

“I’ve heard about the incident with Jesse I’m not supposed to know about Grandpa, have there been others ?”

“Do you care ?”

“I’d like to know what I did meant something Lou, so yes, I care.”

“He straightened up after that, though he lost the time he made up in vet school and graduated on time rather than early.”

“And he works with Scott and that Cass now ? Who’s with Caleb ?”

“That’s all the dirt.”

“And Ty ?”

“Do you want to know ?”

“Is he seeing someone ?”

“No.”

“Well, we’re not a couple Lou and no, I have not dated.”

“You plan on calling him ?”

“Or him me, I’m sure someone is bound to run into him.”

They got Lou to agree not to let Tim know and of course she almost botched it when he called her. Thankfully for Amy he didn’t just pull up for dinner.

“Who’s in the house at Fairfield Lisa ?” Amy asked the next morning when she found herself alone with her over coffee.

“No one though the cleaning company keeps it up.”

“Ok, I’m just going to say this, how much behind are you ?”

“I’m not comfortable discussing this with you Amy.”

“How about Ms. Fleming a strange  Belgium investor in town who may have a proposition ?”

Lisa smiled “please Ms. Fleming, I’m all ears.”

“Diversify, train jumpers along with the thoroughbreds.”

“Go on ?”

“As I said, I can make a call and get 8 Warmbloods here in a few weeks, maybe a month, the faster I can stall and have a place to train them the faster I can get them ready and sold.”

“That’s long term.”

“So is a breeding program which is why I asked about the money, I can still fix horses and coach jumpers and I have money.”

“I have a horse I hope to sell soon that would pretty much bail me out but that would be even. $200,000 would see us through with some light to spare.”

“I have $200,000 dollars Lisa, maybe we can work together and I can stay at Fairfield ?”

Lisa stared at her for a second and then took a sip.

Amy smiled “Cat got your tongue ? Sit with your accountant and lawyer and Grandpa and we’ll talk, in the meantime, I’ll look at properties. Can I stay at Fairfield anyway Grandma ?”

Lisa laughed, “of course you can honey and we’ll definitely talk, partners though.”

“Thank god because I’ve gotten used to laying in a hot tub and refilling it if I’m not done” Amy said laughing “partners is fine, family is better I think.”

Lisa laughed along with her “I almost envy you.”

“Oh, feel free to come by and join in the fun.”

“I can just see the expression on Jack’s face showing up at Fairfield one day and me laying in the tub.”

They made a morning of it and Lisa walked Amy around Fairfield and then the house.

“Take the master Amy, it’s got the en-suite bath and the balcony.”

“It’s a lovely space  but it’s your room Lisa.”

“It’s really not, is it the bed, we’ll order a new one.”

“That’s ridiculously unnecessary.” Amy laughed.

“I’ll stay in the master, thank you.”

They decided to have lunch at Maggie’s, Amy agreed to move in about a week or so once she got some personal stuff packed and a couple boxes from Europe that were on the way. She was also expecting Spartan and wanted him to be brought to Heartland first so she’d wait for that.

Jade welcomed and sat them. After a minute she took their orders. She stared at Amy for a few seconds before Amy snapped.

“What Jade, I remember you, why are you staring at me ?”

“No reason except Ty just walked in.”

“Did you text him because you’re acting as if you did ?”

“Uhm no, he usually comes in around now for lunch.”

“Is he carrying a shotgun ?”

“Uhm no.” Jade answered.

“Then get our food please.”

After she walked away Amy looked up at Lisa “what ?”

“Nothing, you Ok ?”

“Sure, you didn’t find that odd ?”

“Whatever it’s Jade, oop heads up. Ty, how are you ?”

“I’m fine Lisa, uhm Amy, I didn’t know you were back.”

“I got in yesterday on the sly, I didn’t let anyone know. How’ve you been ?”

“Uhm fine, you think maybe we could find some time to talk ?”

“Sure, I’m back on my old number.”

“Ok, well it’s good to see you.”

“You too.”

Ty nodded “well Ok then, I’ll call and we’ll set something up.”

Amy smiled and he nodded again and walked away.

“When did he become Caleb ?”

Lisa giggled “I think it’s the shock of just seeing you without notice Amy.”

“So he didn’t hit his head or anything, has the barber closed by the way, what is that mess on his head ?”

“It’s become a thing around here that hair business, I don’t know and I’m not too fond of it either.”

“One thing you can say about Europe, men take some pride in their appearance.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

It was a few days until Ty called. Before that Amy assumed that at one point he’d just show up at Heartland and mentioned it to Jack.

“He doesn’t come around much, your dad and he are like oil and water.”

“Could have seen that coming, the pot calling the kettle black.”

“So you meeting Ty ?”

“Maggie’s for breakfast tomorrow, don’t expect anything Grandpa.”

“You don’t miss him at all ?”

“I miss having sex with him, that’s not enough.”

“So you don’t love him ?”

“I’ll always love him Grandpa but I can’t just live the life he expects me to live because it makes him comfortable. Nor is there any payment in his mind that would ever make us equal as if there was a bill to pay.”

“No but maybe he …”

“It’s Ty Grandpa, he’s too full of himself to actually want more, he doesn’t feel deserving and never will and spending the rest of my life as his psychoanalyst doesn’t interest me. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or it disappoints you. I expected a thank you and understanding from him and I got an endless circular argument. I know it seems that I landed on my feet and in one way, career-wise it has, but emotionally, mentally…..”

“I’m sorry Amy.”

“Life goes on Grandpa, there are no fairy tale endings. Us Flemings, we’re a broken lot no better or worse than the Bordens. Not a good mix.”

They delayed Spartan’s flight from Antwerp due to weather. Her friend Lara, a trainer with the French team had him and made the call. She had grown to love Spartan on rides with Amy and watching them do liberty and didn’t want him to suffer any undo fear. So on Friday morning when Amy met Ty for breakfast she would leave from there to the the airport with Scott.

It was awkward when Ty leaned over to kiss her. She looked at him sitting for a while until he smiled. “You set the rules, no talking about Europe.”

“What is all that ?” She asked pointing at his head.

“My hair, I don’t know, you don’t like it long ?”

“You don’t, well, comb it ?”

“Well, you know how my hair is.”

“Not when it’s short and groomed” she said it with her fingers pointing this way and that at his head.

“Ok whatever” Ty said exasperatedly “how are you ?”

“I’m fine Ty and you ?”

“I’m good, well excited I guess.”

“About ?”

“Oh I’ve been talking to these guys, well Bob Granger and I….”

“Wait Bob Granger ? Poacher Bob from the rescue ?”

“No, well yes, it’s a long story, anyway have you seen that thing about the Gobi bear ?”

“Yes, it’s absolutely gross.”

“Well Vets without Borders wants to send Bob and I to Mongolia to see what we can do.”

Amy sat and listened to him go on about helping the tribes with their herds and seeing if they can help with the bears.

“I’ll be gone about 4 months I think, give or take.”

“And Scott’s Ok with this ?”

“Yeah, we’ll put some things on temporary hold but he’s good.”

“Well, sounds like an adventure for sure.”

“Think we can get together and talk again or whatever when I get back.”

“Sure, I’ll be at Fairfield, I’m partnering with Lisa.”

“Really wow, that’s amazing, not starting up the business at Heartland again ?”

“There’s no room for me at Heartland and Lisa is actually excited and open to ideas.”

“I always thought you’d go back to fixing horses.”

Here we go Amy thought, “I‘ll be fixing horses at Fairfield Ty, just doing it alongside jumpers I’m training. One of the things I’m going to talk to Scott about this afternoon when we drive over to get Spartan.”

“Oh he didn’t mention it. So, uhm, I can call when I get back ?”

“You can always call me Ty.”

He smiled that crooked half embarrassed smile before leaning across the table for another weird kiss before getting up.

She watched him leave and walked over to the counter.

“How’d that go ?” Lou asked.

“Awkward as hell. He’s off to Mongolia, seems happy, what can I say ? I still think he’s spending too much time with Caleb and what’s with the hair ?”

The End.

[anogete]

The Most Amazing Woman I Know

I live four hours away from almost all of my family.  I drove home right before I closed on my house because my grandmother was having some health issues and was waiting on a plan of action for a cancer diagnosis.  I spent a weekend with her before returning to my life up north (work, house closing, moving, etc).  I had to move but as soon as that was done, I jumped back in the car to return on Friday evening.  Her prognosis was decided to be not good and the doctor said two weeks a week ago.

When I got here, I found my grandmother in a fugue and my mother exhausted.  She’d been staying with my grandmother, trying to keep her comfortable.  Things got worse on Saturday and we made a late-night call to her Hospice nurse to ask for advice.  This morning my mother and I decided that what we said we’d never do was inevitable.  My grandmother needed to go Hospice House to be cared for by professionals during her final day or two in this life.  She was restless and in pain and unresponsive.  We were having to drug her with crushed up pills dissolved in water and injected into her mouth when she was unaware.  I told my mom that all of my grandmother’s personality was gone and this body was there in her place.  We left her with my uncle for the night.  My mom went to her house.  I came back to my grandmother’s house.  I sat in her kitchen chair (the only chair she ever sat in at this table) to write this.

My heart is broken and I’m so upset with the unfairness of everything.  My grandmother raised me like she was my second mother.  I lived with her for weeks at a time when I was a kid and teenager.  I lived with her when my life fell apart in 2009 and I ran back to my hometown to lick my wounds.  I cannot imagine a world in which I can’t pick up my phone and call her.  The idea is scary and physically hurts.

All I’ve been thinking about lately is the past and all the little things about my grandmother that made me who I am.  So, let me count the ways.

- Her name is Sue.  Actually, that is her middle name, but she never went by her first name.  She is 76 years old and married my grandfather when she was 15 years old.  He was 16 and they went strong until he passed away 8 years ago.

- She lived in Florida and New York, but never called any place but West Virginia home.  She was born and raised here and loved it more than any other place in the world.

- Whey they first married, she and my grandfather worked at a canning/jarring factory and would steal cans of peaches and stewed tomatoes so they couldn’t go hungry.  They lived in a chicken coop that was converted into a one-room apartment.

- She had my mom when she was 16 and used the top drawer of a dresser as a crib because they didn’t have any money to buy one.

- Despite not having a high school diploma, she became a business owner.  She and my grandfather opened a convenience store in their neighborhood, and she ran it and kept the books.  Later in life, she started a mini-storage business and ran it from her home.

- When I was a kid, we’d “go to town” on Wednesday afternoons in the summer.  I’d help her shop and she’d buy me McDonalds for lunch.

- When I was a teenager, I’d do her dishes and laundry every Saturday morning for $25.  I’d promptly use this to buy a CD or two.  I know she thought that was crazy, but she never said a word or questioned me about it.

- She loves John Deere everything and painted all the metal windmills and flowers in her yard “John Deere green and yellow.”  Oh, she had metal lawn ornaments.  Like, eight foot metal sunflowers that she paid way too much money for, but loves.

- She loves Christmas and always went crazy with decorations until the past few years.  When I was a kid, she bought an animatronic Santa Klaus from a department store and put it in her second-floor picture window with a display worthy of a department store window.  She also loved the movie Ernest Saves Christmas and would watch it every year to get in the Chistmas spirit.

- She and my grandfather had a camp in the mountains and they loved spending time there.  I sent a restoring two weeks there when my relationship ended back in 2009.  She invited me to come with them and I spent two weeks helping her around the camp and reading books and she never once made me talk about my heartbreak because she knew I didn’t want to.

- She loves yard sales and garage sales.  We’d go on Saturday mornings when I was younger and she’d buy me anything I wanted.

- She also bought me a Prince CD and let me listen to it on the way home when I was a teenager.  She was absolutely scandalized, but pretended not to hate it because she knew I loved it.

- She’d flip people off in traffic, but there wasn’t a mean bone in her body.

- I always told her she was too nice.  She’d give anyone anything if she had it to give.  I thought some people took advantage of that kindness, but they never once fooled her.  She knew, but she still gave.

- She has a motherfucking red magnetic sheet on her fridge because she loves red and wanted a red fridge.  When she couldn’t find one, she slapped a magnet on the damn thing.

- Before she got sick, she spent her winters making dollhouses.  There is a house, a Christmas cabin, a church, and a barn.  She bought an action figure of a professional wrestler and made a white robe for him.  She decided that he would be Jesus and she put him in the yard of the barn scene with some superhero action figures as his disciples.

- Right after my grandfather passed away, she created a Facebook account and would tell everyone good morning almost every day.

- I’d randomly get shit in the mail from HSN or QVC because she’d be watching and decide I needed whatever they are selling.  One of the recent random gifts was a fancy umbrella.

- She has “wall tattoos” all over her walls.  They are large nature scenes that you rub into the way like a temporary tattoo, except they are permanent.  The guest bathroom as a doe and her fawn with birds and butterflies.  That’s the scene you get to look at while she pee.

- Anytime I ever needed money or help, she’d offer before I even thought to ask.  It wasn’t even a question.  If I needed it, then it was mine.

- She was always deathly afraid of dogs all my life.  When I moved back to my hometown with my dog, she insisted I stay with her.  She immediately adopted my dog as her “granddog” and loved him like her own.  When my grandfather passed away, she and I went back into their bedroom and lied down on the bed with my dog and cried.  It broke my heart, but that was nothing compared to this heartbreak of losing her.

- Speaking of my dog.  She bought a red bench to put under her kitchen window so he could see outside when he came over to visit with her.  And he absolutely adored her for it.

- She is less than five feet tall, but with a personality much bigger.  She loves fringe and red and bejeweled purses and things I lovingly refer to as “gaudy.”

- Her final wishes that she wrote down for my mom include: her wish to wear a red fringe shirt but NO red lipstick, lots of balloons instead of flowers because she hates the smell of flowers since they make it difficult to breathe, and a birthday cake with one candle on it.

- When my grandfather died, she asked me to photoshop a picture of him holding up some trout he had caught while fishing into a stock photo of a stream.  Not knowing her intention, I did what she asked.  The next thing I knew, she had taken the photoshopped pic to a custom graphics shop in town and asked them to put it on the hood of her vehicle.  So, the hood of her car is my grandfather looking proud of his catch.  She parks it right outside her kitchen window so when she has her morning coffee, he’s right beside her.

- Speaking of her morning coffee.  She used to tell me she needed to get up so early because she needed to drink a pot of coffee and smoke half a pack of cigarettes before she could deal with people.

- She loves the Hallmark Movie Channel and almost exclusively watched it at night.  She’d settle in on the same end of her bright red couch and chain smoke Winston Lights while she watched cheesy romance movies.  When I got back here this evening, I sat down in that spot.  The cushion dips down and is worn in on that cushion.  I stayed there and felt the dip under my ass and cried so fucking hard because she’s never going to sit there again.

- When I told her that I caught people having sex in the alley by my office a year ago, she told me, “Well, you know what they say.  Friday is for paychecks and peckers.”

I wanted to be alone after this exhausting weekend filled with people.  But now that I’m alone in this space surrounded by her, I wish someone was here with me.  I wish I had someone to call, but I can’t think of anyone at this time of night that I wouldn’t be bugging.

There are so many other things I could say about her and how amazing and fun and quirky and kind and loving and strong she is.  And how much it hurts to know I’m losing one of the most important people in my life.  I guess I should go wash the tears off my face and try to sleep.  I’m running on fumes.  I’ve had about five hours of sleep in the last two days.  I want this to get easier, but I also don’t want to forget her.

I’m not going to proof this shit, so I hope if you’ve made it this far that you’ll forgive my errors and typos.  And I hope you think about my grandma and how awesome she is.

[rynne311]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

Tagged by @an-all-write-life, thank you lovely!

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

I think I may have answered this one before, but basically no.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1, maybe 1.5.  I really don’t mind the dark, but sometimes it’s the unexplained sounds that will get me.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

I don’t know if any of you watched Community, but Troy loved LeVar Burton, he was his favorite celebrity.  Even though Troy loved LeVar Burton, the most he ever wanted was a picture/autograph, he explicitly told Pierce that he never wanted to meet him.  When Pierce brought LeVar Burton in as a way to mess with Troy, he was completely starstruck and could not speak, he just sat there wide eyed and terrified of disappointing his hero, until he ran away from dinner screaming.  Long story short, any sort of media hero I have I wouldn’t want to meet because I’d probably make Troy look like a normal person with how starstruck I got.

4. What is your favorite word?

Oh boy, this is a lot of pressure! I don’t want to offend all the other words.  I’ll go with onomatopoeia because it’s kind of fun!

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

An oak, I guess.  They look pretty as they change, and dropping the acorns can cause mild annoyance, which I seem to be able to do pretty easily for the friends and family around me.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

Why does it have to be Monday??(I answered this when I started working on these yesterday)

7. What shirt are you wearing?

Simple pink and gray stripes.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Nerd

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark, it just feels kind of relaxing and like it’s time to unwind.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Sleeping - I’m kind of boring and go to bed by 10:30 (usually earlier) every night, so I’m definitely dead asleep at midnight.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I actually really enjoyed ages 18-20, and 23 was pretty good too.  I’m sure I’ll hit a good stride of ages again, but until I hit that sweet spot, I’m just going to roll with it and have the most fun I can.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Umm, probably my friend Alex telling me she loves me more after I had sent her a second reminder in a night that I love her. Or my mom.

13. Your worst enemy?

Honestly, I’m probably my own worst enemy.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

It’s the generic blue design that came with the laptop

15. Do you like someone?

In any way other than platonically, no not right now.

16. The last song you listened to?

Either “Rich” by Maren Morris or “Hotel Key” by Old Dominion on my way into work.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

If I dislike someone that much, shouldn’t they just be left to suffer...like forever.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

It would be too easy to say some of those politicians that I think are awful and spewing hate, but that’s probably who I’d want to hit the most. But then I’m putting hate and violence out there and I aspire to be better than those I wish to punch in the face.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

Yeah, people shouldn’t own people. What I would be more interested

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

Probably my eyes or smile.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

Umm, I sure hope that would mean I would be tall! At least considerably taller than 5’2” and then I’d go and reach stuff on the top shelf...without a step-stool.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

If I do, it’s news to me.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

My fears are pretty run of the mill.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

I might just be pretty boring and say a really good grilled cheese with like a good kind of cheese like pepperjack or something.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

If only that would cover all my loans! I’d probably treat myself to something like a new pair of heels or just save it for a bit and maybe put it towards Christmas presents.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Probably back to Spain.  I loved the four months I lived in Salamanca and want to go back! Also, my host family was amazing, and I’d love to visit them again.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

I’d probably get some Barefoot Pink Bubbly, but I’d be a little suspicious of some greater ulterior motive.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Everybody has to be left-handed lol, actually establishing some sort of guidance for rights and behavior, making sure that all groups are treated equally and fairly.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Shit. As much as I curse in real life, I try to avoid it in my writing, instead opting to find other words to express the sentiment, although that isn’t always possible.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

Probably one of my mom’s jewelry or memory boxes that has mementos from my late grandma in them.  It would mean the world to her and I was close with my grandma too, so I’d still be able to preserve a piece of her.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

As much as I’d love to erase any bouts of poor mental health I’ve had in the past, I’ve learned from them and without that experience, I wouldn’t be prepared to tackle my next big challenge whatever it may be.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Just like in question 26, I’d probably move to Spain!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

As much as I would love to bring my godfather back, it wouldn’t be fair to take him from the afterlife, or to put his wife, kids and the rest of us who love him through that pain again.  If I could open some sort of communication between this life and the next, I would absolutely offer it to him.  At least being able to communicate would probably be able to heal some wounds for a lot of us here, and I’d love for his 10 year old son to get to know him outside of the stories he hears from me and the rest of his family.

34. What was your last dream about?

Selling houses and moving...just all around kind of odd.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? -  Are you a good listener?

I’d like to think I am, yes.  Recently at my weekend job, I was clocking out for the day and finished one of my purchases and the woman in front of me had a bag that was just a little too heavy for her to carry, so I brought her bag out to the car for her.  I ended up spending another 20 minutes out there with her talking, well she was doing most of the talking, and before we went separate ways she kept thanking me for listening to her.  So if that is any indication, yes I am a good listener, also it broke my heart that she felt the need to thank me for listening to her because it tells me that she really isn’t getting much of that in her life.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

I’ve been to the emergency room twice, but never admitted to the actual hospital.  And both of those visits were within three days.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

Grew up in New England, it’s kind of a mandatory part of childhood here.

38. What is the color of your socks?

Gray and teal

39. What type of music do you like?

Country, plus some pop and rock

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I’m rarely up for sunrises, but when I was in college, I was pulling an all nighter in our computer/printer room and I got the most spectacular view of the sun rising over the mountains in Vermont.  It made up for the severe lack of sleep I was experiencing.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I don’t sport.  As far as American football goes, I suppose the NY Giants, but in reality it’s more of anyone who isn’t the Patriots.

43. Do you have any scars?

A few on my arms from stupid stuff while growing up, like fighting with my sister.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I graduated from college 3 years ago and still don’t know.  Maybe to know and be happy and secure.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Physically - the list is kind of long and pretty personal.  Otherwise, I’d get rid of those nasty things like my anxiety and depression.

46. Are you reliable?

Almost to a fault where some people have tried to take advantage of it so they could slack off.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Have you found the happy path you want to be on?

48. Do you hold grudges?

Yes, but it’s something I’ve been trying to work on.  I’ll stop and think what did this event/person impact my life and is it still important?  That’s been pretty helpful for letting things go.  I doubt I’ll ever be able to move on from things immediately, but being able to step away after I’ve had some time and choose forgiveness really does help.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

CatDog

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Probably once when talking about childhoods and one girl brought up how she got sent to water therapy because she would insist that she was a mermaid and didn’t have legs to walk.  If I remember correctly, they thought this was her way of manifesting her fear of water, but really with her red hair, she just wanted to be Ariel from Little Mermaid.  It was definitely a wild ride of a conversation.

51. Are you a good liar?

Yes and no.  I’ve got some tells, but over the past few years, I’ve gotten much better at hiding them.

52. How long could you go without talking?

If I’m not talking because I’m mad, at least a few days.  I love talking, so if there isn’t much of a reason to be silent, I’m probably going to be talking.  There have been a few times I’ve been home alone and will just begin talking to the dogs or the cat as I’m going about my business.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

As much as I like them every time I get them, bangs! Within a few months I’m done with wanting to deal with the maintenance and they never looks as good as when I first get them done.  Some folks look absolutely amazing with bangs, but as a long term thing, they are just not for me.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

Yes! I love to bake.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

A little bit.  With practice I can start to imitate other regions of the US and with enough drinks, I’ve tried an Irish accent.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter with a bit of cinnamon sugar.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

If painting counts, and I’m going to say it does for this, then a nice riverbank landscape I did at a paint and wine studio near me.

58. What would be you dream car?

Jeep Wrangler - like Lorelai’s in Gilmore Girls

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

Not really, I’m mostly focused on getting what I need to done and getting out.  I might go through an argument in the shower while I’m washing my hair, but that’s about it.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I guess so, but that’s more of the universe is so expansive and I think it’s a little narcissistic to think that we are the only ones occupying it.  Besides, if there are no aliens, how will Superman exist to come and save us some day??

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

I don’t, and most of the reason is I don’t believe in them. It’ll pop up in other stuff I’ll be reading, but it always frustrates me that pisces are put at the end of the list so I don’t even try.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

R! Yes, it is my initial, but I also like doing the sign for it in my sign language class.  The sign is like you’re crossing your fingers, so it’s like R has some mystery and is keeping a secret.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dinosaurs

64. What do you think about babies?

They are really cute and I like getting to spend some time with them.  It can be really fun to watch someone experience so many things for the first time, especially things we take for granted.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. - Worst movie you’ve ever watched?

Leprechaun in the Hood without a doubt!

I’ll tag anyone else who wants to do this! :)

[stevenmuses]

An Unspoken Eulogy from a Grandson and Funeral Summary

The past five days have been a whirlwind. The afternoon of Wednesday, November 7 we received the news. Ba Ngoai had passed away earlier in the day with my mom by her side - causing a massive ripple throughout our family. Many weeks ago, we had received the notification that Ba Ngoai’s condition had turned for the worse - and in the back of all of our minds, we knew her time was nearing its end.

La Thi Tran was born in 1928 in Nam Dinh in North Vietnam. In her younger years, she moved first to Hanoi, and later, to Saigon. She fostered 5 daughters and 2 sons, caring deeply for her family of 9. Like many Vietnamese families at the time, she ran a storefront with mostly dry goods and food. During the Vietnam War, her husband lost his legs - leaving her to be the sole provider of the family. In these conditions, all of the children helped her run the store, hustling and selling what they could to help the family make ends meet. With the living conditions becoming poorer in Vietnam with the rise of communism, several of her children fled Vietnam on a small fishing boat, escaping to a refugee camp in Malaysia. After spending time in the refugee camp, eventually immigrating and settling in Edmonton, Canada. After her children had settled, she and her husband were sponsored to rejoin her children in Edmonton. Her husband passed away in 1996, more than 20 years before her eventual passing in 2018 in Calgary, Canada. In her years, she raised 5 daughters and 2 sons, 15 grandchildren, and even a great grandchild. It’s crazy to think that without her, not a single one of us would be here now.

In the later years of her life, Ba Ngoai spent her time the George Boyack assisted living facility. Rushing to the nursing home after hearing the news - I saw Di Hanh and my mom hovered around my grandma’s lifeless body, choking back tears. Nine years after enduring a severe, crippling stroke, my grandma’s struggle was finally over. La Thi Tran passed away on November 7, 2018 at the age of 90.

I never got to know Ba Ngoai as a person - not really anyways. The language barrier always kept us apart in communication, and later, the stroke made it even more difficult. Like many of us in the second generation, I grew up with Vietnamese in my brain and on the tip of my tongue - but that faded away steadily and surely as time went on.

While I was never able to get to know Ba Ngoai as a person, I definitely knew Ba Ngoai as a mother and grandmother. I was told that Ba Ngoai had always taken care of me when I was younger - that my parents used to drop me off at Ba Ngoai’s house and she would watch over us. Unfortunately, none of those memories ever stuck in my mind - I was just too young. But I know what she stood for - I think we all did. She stood for her family. She loved her children and grandchildren dearly. Even though she was growing old, she was at every family event she could make, supporting her children and grandchildren, even during the worst of times. Even when she was wracked by her stroke, I still remember her trying to give us whatever money she had in little red li xi envelopes.

One recent story that I wanted to share was just a month or so ago - when I visited her after hearing that her condition worsened. She was shaking in her bed, saying things to herself that no one could understand any longer. She hadn’t been eating very much recently - she was incredibly thin. She had a permanent look that seemed like it was already fixated on the world beyond. She had become indecipherable and clearly in a great deal of pain. When I approached her bed, my dad said to her in Vietnamese, “Do you recognize him? It’s Steven!” I held her hand - and I was surprised by how incredible ironclad her grip was. Her face lit up when she looked at my face and she gave a minuscule nod, mumbling to herself in indistinct Vietnamese. While we couldn’t understand most of what she said, there were two words that we all could decipher - the clearest two words that we had heard her speak in many months. “...map qua!” She had called me chubby! She fought through her pain, recognized who I was and compared me to how she remembered me in the past. Through all the pain and the suffering, she was still fighting to be a mother and grandmother. That’s a memory that I won’t ever forget of Ba Ngoai.

Upon her passing, family members made their way home from across the world to join each other in the mourning of the matriarch of the Hoang family - from as far away as Saudi Arabia and Taiwan. For the first time in what must have been 10 years or more, the family was back together, reunited to celebrate the life of a dear mother, grandmother, and great grandmother.

Day 0 (The Day of Passing) - Wednesday, November 7

The nursing home is an incredibly depressing place - filled with exhausted nurses, the stench of poor quality food and unchanged adult diapers, and silent, addled seniors, waiting for the inevitable next step. In that environment- it felt so surreal. I just felt unemotional - but philosophical about the whole thing. Sitting on a couch in the nursing home common area with my uncle and dad, watching the other seniors being force-fed food by the nurses, I couldn’t help but think about age, mortality, and what the point of it all even was. All of these seniors led full, eventful lives - only to be left waiting for death in that environment. That was the case for Ba Ngoai.

Or was it?

Cau Tuan returned from Vietnam just a day earlier - which she knew. She was so upset when she heard that he was going on a long trip to Vietnam - perhaps she had the sense that she was close as well? But - she held on for him until he could return.

My mom came to visit and feed her on Wednesday. After days with little eating, this day, Ba Ngoai ate some wonton soup, Ensure, and even some ice cream! My mom had a sixth sense that day - she had felt that Ba Ngoai didn’t have much longer to live. Calling my dad, she had planned to cancel the vacation that she was going to take the following week, just in case.

She returned to the room with Ba Ngoai’s favourite nurse at the home (my mom said that Ba Ngoai loved that woman so much - that she made her laugh so much during her time at the nursing home) - and I think they both knew that the time was near. A few minutes later, Ba Ngoai quietly passed away, with my mom and her favourite nurse at her bedside.

After the funeral, it was planned that each of the families would contribute money for Ba Ngoai’s funeral arrangements and burial. At one of their meetings to discuss money, it was revealed that Ba Ngoai gave money to Cau Phat to hold for her, secretly, that none of the other siblings even knew about. Even from beyond the grave, she was still taking care of her children.

I had written the first paragraph about Day 0 a couple of days ago, when I felt like reflecting on what the end of life meant for all of us. Upon talking to my mom about Ba Ngoai’s last hours, one thing became so abundantly clear - it wasn’t her that was waiting for death, death was waiting for her. She was still taking care of her family in any way that she could, even while bedridden, until her last day.

Day 1 (Casketing, Prayer Day 1) - Sunday, November 11

The funeral of Ba Ngoai took place over three days at the Mountain View Memorial Gardens & Funeral Home in east Calgary. In the days prior to Sunday, people had begun to return to Calgary. Rachel, Patricia, Albert, and Cristina had returned from their work and schooling in Toronto. Di Mai and Chu Chau flew in from Saudi Arabia and stayed with our family. Kacey, Jen, Vince and Cau Tai’s family drove down from Edmonton. Cau Phat returned from Phoenix. Everyone was trying to play their part in organizing the funeral - ordering the food for the reception, talking to the Chua Bat Nha, organizing with the funeral home, ordering flowers, putting together programs and memorial boards, writing and practicing eulogies and poems, and other innumerable but equally essential tasks.

Entering the funeral home for the first time, we were stunned by beautiful photo and story boards and breathtaking flowers. In the chapel, there were an astonishing array of flowers, a beautifully crafted wooden casket, two incense altars (one for Buddha and one for Ba Ngoai), and the body of Ba Ngoai, wrapped in a beautiful red and yellow Buddhist funeral blanket. Everyone took turns paying their respects to Ba Ngoai, with tears in their eyes. One of the most powerful images I saw that day was Cau Tuan on his knees at Ba Ngoai’s body, head down, saying words that only Ba Ngoai’s could hear.

Many people connected to our family came to the prayer - coworkers and family friends alike. Some of these people I hadn’t seen in 10-15 years - but many of them came up to me to tell me how much I’ve grown. These little interactions really made me feel a sense of warm, community and continuity - even though I may not even recognize these people.

Monks from the temple Chua Bat Nha led us in a melancholic prayer. The children (immediate descendants of Ba Ngoai along with in-laws) stood in front of the chapel seats, while the grandchildren stood behind them within the rows of the chapel’s seating. All family members were given white headbands to wear.

Somber in tone, the prayer was led by the three monks from the temple. Other Buddhist members of the temple joined in the prayers. Together, their voices felt purifying and cleansing - as if they were coaxing Ba Ngoai’s spirit through to the afterlife. We continued to stand for the prayer for an entire hour, while the adults were constantly standing and bowing down to the ground. One of the children even momentarily passed out and fell during the prayer due to exhaustion, smacking his jaw on the bench in front of him.

After the prayer, we gathered in the reception hall to eat banh mi and desserts, mingling with the friends and family that had come to pay their respects.

In the evening, we were made aware of a vote that was occurring the following night. The first generation was trying to decide between:

(a) Burying Ba Ngoai’s ashes immediately in the Edmonton cemetery next to Ong Ngoai, whom she has expressed intense longing for.

(b) Wait 49 days (7 weeks) as per Buddhist beliefs, allowing for the spirit/consciousness to transition to the afterlife. Store Ba Ngoai’s ashes in an urn, (illegally) held in the Buddhist temple for the 49 days, and then buried with Ong Ngoai after.

The vote was contentious and was split between both options.

Day 2 (Prayer Day 2) - Monday, November 12

The prayers continued again into Day 2. We arrived at 5pm, burned incense and visited again with Ba Ngoai. The hour of prayers began at 6pm. Once again, the monks from the temple Chua Bat Nha led us in prayer, with the direct descendants in the front and the grandchildren behind.

Soon after the prayers began, Jen and I went to the airport to pick up my brother, who had cut his vacation short to return home. Upon returning to the funeral home, we met with our parents, who had tears in their eyes, and together we paid tribute to Ba Ngoai with incense and prayers as a family.

Immediately after, we reconvened with everyone else in the reception hall and ate dumplings, spring rolls, banh mi, and more dessert.

Even though initially the vote for what to do with Ba Ngoai’s urn was initially split - the vote was almost unanimous after discussion - Ba Ngoai was to go into Chua for 49 days, before being buried with Ong Ngoai.

Day 3 (Funeral Ceremony, Cremation) - Tuesday, November 13

Early Tuesday morning, we returned to the funeral home for the final time. We prayed for the final time. At 9:30AM, we began the “official” funeral ceremony, with myself and my Dad as the English and Vietnamese hosts, respectively. We began with our final Buddhist prayer sessions. The vibe felt distinctly different than the two previous days - it felt like everyone was somber and tense about the day ahead, knowing that by noon, this whole funeral process would be over.

After the prayer session, we proceeded into speeches. With tears in their eyes and wavering voices, Cau Phat, Cau Tuan, and Bac Duy all provided their own speeches - all saying how much they loved and how thankful they were for Ba Ngoai.

After, Albert, Nathan and myself went up to the podium to share a few words from a grandchild perspective. Albert spoke in both English and Vietnamese, sharing about how he got to know who Ba Ngoai was as a person from the quality and tightness of his parents and our family. Nathan delivered a heartfelt poem “It’s Only Been a Few Minutes,” and I shared a recent story about Ba Ngoai in the nursing home.

And then that was it.

The funeral procession. We walked out of there, single file, into our cars. Then, we drove to the crematorium in our cars, single file. The images and videos speak for themselves.

What an incredibly sad and moving experience. The melodic and repetitive prayers felt like they were boring their way right into my soul - and you could tell that it did that for everyone. Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, Atheist or whatever we were - I think that during that time, we all believed together it was helping Ba Ngoai’s spirit move on. There, in the funeral home and in the crematorium, it really had felt like we all had come together as a family to celebrate Ba Ngoai. I think that’s truly what family is - people tied together by common experiences and relationships that are there for each other, regardless of the last time they saw each other, or where they live. I don’t think anyone needed to say anything - but I think we all understood each other, united in our grief.

You know - it was the end of a marvelous and long life for Ba Ngoai, filled with incredible ups and downs, separations and reunions, health and sickness. Her passing is not only a cause for grief - but a cause for celebration. Without her, none of us would be here, living comfortable and wholesome lives filled with love, family, and fun.

Thank you - from all of us.

[lillaxtrigger]

Faded land: Chapter 1

A woman slowly opens her eyes as she awakens from the cracked ground beneath her. Rain pouring down her back as she gets up. “Ah...What happened?” she says as she rubs her head. Looking ahead, she saw a gray wasteland, dead trees and stumps laid strung about the rocky terrain. “Where am I? How’d I get here?”. Her mind flashes to the last thing she remembers before waking up. Both her and a blonde man were in a science laboratory. The man was messing with a metallic sphere sat on a table with the labeled: “Time sphere”. The woman rushes over to the man as sparks start to fly from the sphere. Trying to pull the man away, a white flash consumes the both of them. “Arthur!” she exclaims. Looking around, she couldn’t find a single sign of life anywhere. She starts to walk ahead, the ground crinkling beneath her feet with each step. “Oh Arthur. What have you done? I knew building the time sphere was a bad idea, but nobody listened.” Stepping on a big rock, she looks upwards towards the sky. The gray rain. clouds in the sky blocked out any sign of sunlight. She lost her balance and fell down on her back. Looking over, she saw the rock she was standing on was shaking. Coming out of the bottom was a slimy slug, which slithered along the ground. The woman crawls backwards away from the rocky snail. “Wha?.”. Backing up into a tree, she looks behind her and sees a human face molded within the bark. She gets up and back away slowly before bolting it as far from the tree as possible. Running up to a cliff, the warm winds blow in her maroon hair. She looks out and sees a massive crater in the distance, about as big as a small town. From the cracks shined a green glow among the circumference of the crater. “What is that?”. Looking closer, she’s able to make out a small building just beyond the crater. She could see something walking out of the house, though she couldn’t make out what it was, it being a speck when viewed from afar. Adjusting her glass, she looks closely and questions: “Is that a person?”. Downward, she saw the cliff was steep, but had enough jagged rocks to climb down. Slowly taking her time in climbing down the cliff, she makes sure she has a firm grip on the rocks before she lets go. She peeked down and saw the tall drop from below. Quickly closing her gaze, she tightened her grip on the rocks. “Take it easy. It’s just a fall into certain death. Just take your time and you’ll be okay.”. Grabbing onto one of the rocks, the stone began to move, making her loose her grip. Before she could fall, she swiftly grabbed another rock. Looking at the stone she let go, she saw that a slug came out from the rock and began to slither around the wall. Looking along the cliff, more and more snails began to pop out of hiding, slithering along the face, varying in size. She takes a deep breathe and says: “Okay.”. Climbing down the cliff, she grabs any of the rocks that are still left. She then steps on a snail and starts to fall. Grabbing onto whatever she can, she grasps one of the snails and finds that the slug sticks to the wall. The membrane stretching out a couple of yards, but still holding on She looks down at the other snails, some which are moving along the wall. “Hmm...”. The woman then swings off the snail like a vine and grabs on to another. She then lets go and lands on a big snail. This slug doesn’t stretch out when she lands, firmly hugging the wall as it slithered down. She looks down and sees a trail of giant snails leading down. The woman jumps down the cliff, landing on snail after snail. Finally, she lands on the bottom of the cliff, taking a great big sigh of relief as she stands on solid ground. Looking out, she sees the crater not far, only a brisk walk away. Approaching the wide crater, scientist looks in and sees the hole was very deep, half as big as the cliff she just climbed down. Inside, she saw the cracks within glowing a bright green light, so harsh in fact that she could stare them for a few moments without squinting. The rain hitting the irradiated cracks evaporate as soon as they touch them, making it look like the crater was smoking. The dimming sky made the glowing cracks stand out in the encroaching darkness. She looked away and took off her glasses to rub her eyes. Putting them back on, she looked over to the other side to see the small house. As she started her trek around the crater, she began to ask herself: “Why is their so much radiation coming from this crater? Just staring at it makes my eyes hurt.”. She then trips on the ground, looking back, she sees a piece of wood, buried in the ground. Kicking it in frustration, she saw the plank didn’t move an inch. Curious, she started to dig around the wood and was surprised how deep it was buried. Pulling it out, a sign popped out from the ground. Looking at the front, it read: “Welcome to Barge front. The most peaceful town in Tennessee”. The woman puts down the sign and turns towards the house in the distance. Approaching the humble home, the woman saw a truck parked beside the house. She sat down on the porch to catch her breath. As she was breathing, she felt the cold touch of steel on the back of her head. She turned to see an old woman pointing a shotgun towards her skull. Shocked, she falls to the ground and backs up as the elder aims her shotgun at the girl. “The heck is a lady you doing out here. You not Canadian, are ya?”. “Canadian? I-I just got here. What’s going on?” “Barbra, what’s going on out there?” a man’s voice rang out. “Nothing Berry. Just taking care of some varmits.” the woman said as she focused on the girl. An elderly man quickly came out and gasped. Pushing the old lady aside, she said: “Barbra, put the gun away! Can’t you see this pour girl’s scared?”. The old woman reluctantly backs off, pointing his gun away. The old man approaches the scientist and takes her hand out. “I’m so sorry about that. My wife can get paranoid around new people. Eh...would you like to come in?”. In her heavy breathing, she said: “That would be nice, thank you.”. Inside the small home, the lady sat down on a seat beside a dining table in the kitchen. Berry poured two cups of tea on the counter and carried both of them over to the table on a plate. He passed one of the cups over to her shaking guest. Sipping a bit of the tea calmed her nerves, taking a little sigh after drinking. She looks to the man sitting across from the table and asks: “Um, thank you for...not letting your wife shoot me.”. “Think nothing of it. She can’t really help it. Living out here’s made her a little twitchy.”. “By what?”. “Oh you know, Mutated monsters, bandits, those sorts. “Why live out here in the middle of nowhere if it’s so dangerous.”. “Believe it our not, this is actually one of the safer places in the country. Well, there is the refugee town a several miles down, but...it’s a little too dangerous for people like us. Heck, Barbra has to bring a pistol whenever she goes into town.”. “Even with the big irradiated crater?”. “Oh it’s not so bad. The radiation gives us free energy that never even flickers.” Berry said as he looked to the light over head. “About as nice as it can get honestly.”. “How did a giant crater like that pop up?”. “Oh, it’s always been there. Ever since the bomb dropped on us.”. The guest spurt out tea back in her cup, lowering it from her mouth to say: “Bomb?”. “Oh yeah. Came right above the sky. I believe I was 20 when it hit? Memories are a little fuzzy though.”. “Where did a bomb come from?”. “Hmm...Oh, you know what, both of us are sitting here talking about my wife and I, when I haven’t even got you’re name.”. “It’s Clara.”. “Well, Clara. You look rather well dressed for someone out in the middle of Tennessee. Where’d you come from?”. “Well, that’s...honestly a long story. I’m not even sure about all the details, really.”. “Oh that’s alright. We all have stuff that we don’t want to talk about. Whether it brings out painful memories or unsure of what’s happening around us. It’s fine.”. The young lady takes a sip of her tea and says: “This tea’s really good.”. “You like it? It’s an old recipe passed down from my grandma. I even figured out how to make them into packets. I was gonna plan to sell it someday, but uh...you know.”. “Hee...Right.”. Clara looks down at her tea and back to Berry, asking: “You said something about a refugee town. You know where I can find it.”. “Oh, it’s north from here. Going from the right side of our house. But it’s about 15 miles away. It’d take about a day or two to get there on foot. Why don’t you stay here for a couple days and Barbra can take ya when she goes out for food.”. “Um, I don’t mean to rush thing, but I think I might be in a hurry. Not to be rude, but can you guys drive me there now?”. “Heck no!” the Wife shouted out in the other room. Berry put his tea down and got up, saying: “Excuse me for a minute.”. He walks out of the kitchen and shuts the door behind her, after which yelling could be heard. The walls muffled the arguing between the spouses. Clara looks around the kitchen and sees some small photos on the counter. Getting up, she starts to approach the counter, but stops when she hears both of them shout through the walls. “The truck doesn’t have enough gas for two round trips and more won’t come in til next week!”. “She can’t just send her out there all by herself, she could die!”. She begins to slowly walk up to the counter toward the frames. Looking closely, she saw one of the photos was that of two young boys standing in a lush field. Next to it was a young couple standing together in front of a recently built house, the man from the picture looked a bit like one of the kids in the previous photo. Another showed the both of them, but not really interacting with one another, instead reading books on their bed. Two more showed Berry and Barbra sitting in rocking chairs in individual frames. She picks up the photo with Barbra and takes a closer look. Small numbers seemed to be at the top of the frame. “11-9-2083”. Looking back at the picture with the family, she looks above to find another date in the corner. “3-17-2022.”. Suddenly, the door knob started to open. Clara rushed back into her seat just as Berry walked in. “I-I’m sorry. I can’t really, convince my wife to go into town right now. Seem you’ll have to wait a while.”. “Alright” Clara said, looking disappointed. She then got up and started to head for the door. “Where are you going?” Berry asked. “I gotta get moving. Thanks for the tea.”. When she steps outside, she notices that the only light left was the light from the glowing crater and the light coming from the house. Everything beyond it was nothing but pure blackness as far as the eye could make out. Walking back inside, Berry was still standing in the kitchen. “So do you guys have I guest room I can maybe stay in?” Clara ask. “In the back.”. Clara opens the door to the room she would be sleeping in. The room consisted of only a drawer, a lamp, and a bed. She put her hand on the bed and felt that the fabric looked untouched, but rather old. A shadow emerged on the bed. Clara looked behind her and saw Barbra standing in the doorway giving her a piercing glare. “Oh! Uh-Um hey there. Uh, sorry about, um...You must have thought that I was a bandit or something.”. Clara gets up and starts to approach the elderly woman. I “didn’t really knock or introduce myself or anything. Thanks for-”. “You listen me and you listen good. So long as your under my roof, you won’t eat anything, you won’t go anywhere, you won’t do anything, without my consent, you hear me.” Barbra said in a threatening manner as she approaching her guest, making Clara back up onto the bed. “Food is scares for us. And I only got so many bullets for my gun. And I don’t want to waste them on a scroungy brat like you.”. Standing over the edge of the bed, Barbra stares at Clara, saying: “When I have to go back into town and I take you, you better not think about coming back here.”. Barbra walks out of the room and slams the door shut. Clara takes her lab coat and shoes off and put them to the side, laying down on the soft bed. Looking out the window, she could only make out the feint light that was coming from the crater. She stares up towards the ceiling leaving her alone with her thoughts. Too many questions were floating around in her mind to let her simply drift off. “What am I gonna do? Where am I even gonna start? How much of the world is left?”. As she stared at the ceiling, all she could hear was the sound of the wasteland winds blowing through the humble abode. “So much happened all at once today. So many questions going through my head. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.”. The next morning, little light shined against the clouds, illuminating the lands and the home. Clara was sound asleep, her snoring echoing through the whole room. The door suddenly swung open, waking the scientist and making her fall off the bed. “Alright, time to get up.” she heard as Clara was coming out of her daze. When her eyes focused, she saw Barbra standing right above her. “Ah?” Clara mumbled as she got up. “Come on. Ain’t got all day.”. “Wha...What’s going on?”. “You’re gonna get to work is what’s going on. If you wanna be fed, you gotta earn your meals.”. “Work? What kind of work.”. “Just the usual stuff we do around here. Wash dishes, sweep the floors, set up traps. Those sorts.”. “And what just what will you be doing?” Clara asks. “Oh, I’ll be doing what I’ve always been doing. Make sure we stay alive.” Barbra says, as she shows off her shot gun. With a clipboard in hand, Clara started to count the number of cans inside the cabinet. She wrote down how many she counted down on the clipboard. She then started to sweep up the floors in the house, gathering the dust and sand. Clara started to sweep under a couch, but jumped when a rat scurried out from under and into the kitchen. Clara then was outside setting up a bear trap on the side of the house. After opening up it’s steel jaws, she said to herself: “Don’t really know why you’d have to set up traps around here. Nothing around but snails.”. She then looks over to the house and sees something on the side. Looking behind the home, she sees a little shed several meters from the house. Opening up the little shack, she saw several tools hanging up against the wall. Hammers, a saw, drills, a pistol, a shovel, a rake, some chains, a big mallet, several pillars and Screw drivers. Under the rack of tools, Clara found boxes of screws, nails, bullets, an empty beer bottle, and a backpack labeled, emergency supplies. Looking inside the pack, she finds some cans, crackers, can opener, flash light, water bottles, a cup and box of matches. She heard the sound of a gun cocking and looking behind her to find Barbra pointing her shotgun at her once again. “B-Barbra, hey. Uh...Did- Didn’t you want me to check in here to keep stock of all the tools?”. “Nice try. Git!”. Barbra forces her guest out of the tool shed and says: “If I catch you in here again. I’m stuffing you full of lead, got it?”. As she was helping Berry wash the dishes, Clara couldn’t stop shaking. Berry saw how frightened the pour girl was and handed her a cup of tea. “Here, drink this.”. The scientist grabbed the cup and started sipping, her shaking gradually stopping as she drank. Taking a sigh of relief as she put the cup down. “Thank you.”. “Think nothing of it. I know when I feel scared or stressed, a cup of tea always calms the nerves right down.”. After taking another sip, she then says: “Um...if you don’t mind me asking...how did you and your wife meet?”. “That’s actually goes a long way back. We used to be high school sweethearts actually. We used to sneak out of our parents houses all the time, go up to the tallest building in town and just gaze a the sunset for hours on end. Used to be one of our favorite spots.”. “What was she like?”. “She was actually very nice. Really caring. I saw her take a nest up a tree when it fell down. Even checking if the eggs were fine. We had our spats every now and again. But it wasn’t really anything serious, until...” Silents fills the kitchen, giving Clara a sense of heaviness that fills the room. The silence is then broken by the sound of a shot gun blast. Clara looks out the window and sees a monstrously mutated wolf outside. Barbra could be seen shooting at the wolf as it lunges at her. The old lady shoots it into a bear trap, where it struggled to get free. As it did, Barbra slowly approached, pointing her fire arms at the monster. Clara sees her point her gun at the beasts head and looks away before she pulls the trigger. The loud gun shot echoed through the lands. The night falls on the humble shack. At dinner, she ate plates of beans with the elderly couple on the kitchen table. While Berry and Barbra ate, Clara stared at them, eating very little off her plate. The air was thick as not a single word was being said. Clara tries to pierce through by saying: “So...Any- anything interesting happen around here?”. “Nope.” Berry simply said. “...So Barbra, I saw you fighting that monster out there. How-how often to they come around?”. “About once a month.” Barbra said. “You know, we’d probably not be so low on food if you’d bring stuff like that in for dinner instead of burning the carcasses.”. “I’ve told you for the 27th time. We can’t eat the animals around here. They’re irradiated and could kill us.”. “Well, it’s just that I’m tired of eating beans all the time. I’d be nice to eat something else for once.”. “What do you want me to do? All I can get is beans.”. Clara ate a little more of her beans and said: “You know what. I think I’m gonna hit the hay a little early. I’ll see you two in the morning.”. “So all they have in that town is beans, huh!? No canned fruit or vegetables of any kind?”. “None that I’ve seen.”. Clara started to slowly back out form the kitchen. “Well maybe you’d find some if you stayed in town for more than two hours.” Berry said. “I’d like to see you drive into town and scrounge for food.”. “You know very well I can’t drive!”. As Clara walked into her room, she found a small box on her bed. Looking inside, she found a note which she reads aloud. “Wanted to give you this. If I can’t sell it, I can at least give it to somebody who likes it as much as me.”. Putting the note aside, she find a bunch of tea packets. She then heard the couple arguing out in the hall. “I burn both ends of the candle to make sure that were safe and well fed. I don’t see you doing anything around here.”. “Oh yeah, cause driving to a beatnik town and shooting wild animals every month is so hard for you. You know I responsibilities too around here, I make sure the house is clean, the dishes are washed, the clothes cleaned, the inventory stocked, the rats out of the cabinet, and I have to all of this everyday, year round.”. “Please, anybody could do that stuff. I’d like to see you wrestle a bear with four heads.”. Maybe if you didn’t drink so much then you could actually help me around here.”. The sound of punching could be heard from the hall, followed by Berry exclaiming: “Ow! Why would you do that!? Why would you do that!? Why would you do that!?”, followed by a door slamming shut. Another door opens and closes. It was the middle of the night, Clara could not get a wink of sleep in, the domestic incident still fresh in her mind. She got out of bed and put her coat and shoes back on. The scientist peeked out of her door to the hall. Coming out, she looks around and sees nobody. In the other bedroom, she see’s two lumps on the bed. In the kitchen, the single light shines on the empty bottles on the table. Clara walks out the front door and heads towards the tool shed. She walks in and takes the back pack. Reaching for the boxes of matches, she notices it open with a couple of shells taken out. She looks on the wall and notices the pistol missing. “Where-”. She hears the sound of a gun cocking and looks behind her and sees Barbra aiming her gun at her. “And where do you think you might be going?” she asks. “Um, I was going to head to town.” Clara says nervously. “What’s your hurry for?”. “If I told you, you’d probably never believe me.”. “You know what I think. I think you really are a dirty Canadian. Destroyed our country in the war, now you want to take the scraps that are left. Wasn’t it enough that you bombed us and left us with barely nothing!?”. “W-What!?”. “Don’t matter now. Least I’ll get my two sense in.”. Barbra aims her shotgun towards Clara. “This is for ruining America, you maple witch.”. Clara shuts her eyes as she waits for Barbra to fire. She hears the sound of a gun going off. Opening her eyes, she fines herself completely fine, no bullets wounds on her person. She then looks at her attacker and gasps to find a bullet hole in the middle of her chest. Barbra feels her chest and looks at the blood on her hands before she falls to the floor. Clara looks above Barbra’s body and see’s Berry holding the pistol, smoke coming out the end of the gun. Berry breaks down in tears and breaks down next to Barbra’s body. The scientist slowly walks past the both of them and picks up the pistol on the ground as she walks out. Clara shines her flashlight down the ground as the light from the crater and the home, fades away as she walks into the dusk.

[survivorsupport]

My story

I hurt my whole family when I ran away from home, I was being selfish. I was lying to him and to myself. My mistakes begin in my second marriage. I started using, cheating on my husband. I was being selfish. My mom slapped me. I think about hitting her but I know I can’t so I run out the back door. Just being stubborn, I go through the window when he wasn’t there, and take stuff trying to get his attention, and stand outside asking for help.

                When I start getting high I don’t want to answer to anyone. I took my three kids with me into the dope world, being the wrong role model for my sons. They wanted to grow up and sell drugs. Taking and using drugs was destroying myself. My sons were growing up watching this and I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting high.

                I was living with My ex-husband and he was selling weeds. I started smoking weed and blowing the smoke into my kids’ faces’ so they would go to sleep. I would smoke weed until I was stoned. It was the only thing that would take away the pain of being 14 with two babies. My ex-husband was gone all the time. I would feed my baby, burp him, and put him to sleep. I would do nothing but sit there are get high.

                That’s when My ex-husband started beating me. The violence got worse and worse, harder and harder. He would box me until I was black-eyed and bloody. I threatened to leave and I called my mom. He threatened me. Finally I got pregnant with my daughter. He made me have sex with him.

                We moved to Texas on the condition he would marry me. He did not beat me as bad because he knew I had uncles in Texas who would beat him up if he touched me. He beat me while I was pregnant.

                I started doing cocaine with My ex-husband to make money. He worked at a plant all day. I had 2 kids running around. I snorted up the profit! My uncles came over to kill My ex-husband after he beat me for doing cocaine. I left him for real because I had never been beat like that.

                I moved in with my stepsister. I had 2 kids and a coke habit. We turned the house into a coke house. My grandma said “no one will take you with that half white son”.

                I sold drugs out of the house. Crack came around. They told us how to take the baking soda and rock it up. Once I hit that, I didn’t care about anyone else. They could be calling me, screaming my name and I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be a mother anymore. I would rock it up, sell it, and buy more.

                I would get child support and food stamps. I said “I don’t want my kids in this house anymore”. I took my kids to my grandmother’s house I did not want her to grow up like that. My grandmother said I had to protect the girls in the family.

                My uncle raped me when I was 5 years old, so my grandmother didn’t protect me. I grew up thinking I was wrong. I grew up not giving a fuck. My sister whooped both of us when she caught us. I thought it was my fault. I didn’t understand until I got grown.

                I remember taking the first hit and gave my kids away, And I did clean up and get them back, But I always brought my daughter to my grandma, so she could grow up and be a great woman. My daughter never forgave me. My sons would hang around, I thought it was okay. But I was wrong. They grew up trying to make fast money.

                I used to have affairs with married men. I had a man who would bring me money every payday, I used to go with a lot of married men. This is one way I would take care of myself. I owe those women and apology. I just wanted money to get high with.

                When I got real sprung on iit, I used to trick for dope. My uses got so big I tripped and fel..

                “you really out here on that stuff bad,” said my friend. He helped me.

                I was top-notch. They would come looking for me. It makes my skin crawl. Men I would walk by and ignore, once I got on drugs they could talk to me and sleep with me. I know they were happy crack came out, they got a chance to sleep with women who would never go out with them.

                I used to steal clothes. Fill up my bag and my girdle and sell clothes to stores. We would have a whole trunk full.

                I worked for circle k. I robbed them. Used to have to drop the money, I just faked it. Quit the next day, made off with $800. It was all on the manager.

                When My son was 16 he was playing hooky from school. He shot this guy, They gave someone the gun to hide and ran. The police came to the house. They said he was under arrest for aggravated assault. $25,000 bond. I called my husband and we got him out. I blame myself for that. My stepsister had a little house where everyone partied. And I went back there are saw my son doing coke. I said “what the fuck!?” What did I expect? They saw me doing it. But it was the worst feeling in the world.

                My son goes to jail, gets out, moves in with me. Moves in a pregnant stripper. He hits her, they are both on drugs. They have my first grandchild. I kicked them out and kept the baby. I got an itchy feeling and started smoking weed. I would sit and rock that baby in front of the TV. I started smoking crack. I called the mom and said “Come get your baby!” She moved in, and I got high in the other room.

                I never stay sober long. At least I have to have a drink. Weed calms me down. It’s the heavier drugs that are the problem.

                My son came and they started back fighting. I couldn’t stand it so I said “get out”. They fought all the time. I was taking my boyfriend’s check and getting high. I’d be somewhere in a traphouse getting high. I spent all his money. I would go into a deep sleep. When I woke up I told him to go borrow money. He would do whatever I said. He had a good job and good credit. I would clean up in between checks, just drink. I lived life the 1st to the 15th. Something in my mind said “don’t do this, we could live better”. I would pay bills and buy groceries. But then I have a drink and think “I need something stronger”. I would wind up spending every dime in my pocket.

                That relationship was just a paycheck, and a roof over my head. I was sleeping with that man and I knew I had HIV. I was 30 something and he was 50 something. I was not in love in that relationship. I lived like that for a couple years. I don’t like taking nobody down with me. Something inside of me always wanted more. When I saw my daughter, I thought “I’m more than this. I can do better”.

                I called my ex and asked him to help me move out of the 3 bedroom home. I moved in with my son, but my husband kept coming up all the time. He knew I was trying to quit, but he knew I could make money. I would sell more than I could use. He was connected with a big drug dealer. I was off and running again.

                The sickness kicked in. I would see stuff and hear stuff. I ended up in a mental house more than once. I thought I could see the future. Then I came home and would sell drugs. I tried not to use them.

                When I was 5 my sister whooped me for having sex. She promised not to tell on me. When I was 11 years old my uncle told my brother to have sex with me. My uncle held my arms while he did it. My sister caught us again, and whooped me. They ran away but I didn’t, so I got beat the most.

                Both parents took turns taking care of me. My father tried to finger me. I tried to play sweet but it hurt. My stepmother yelled for him so he stopped. I did not understand why everywhere I went these boys wanted to do these things. So I left home at 13.

                I met my first husband, and my life began away from home. My family said no one would marry me with two kids that were half white. I swore I would never do drugs. They told me I was so intelligent but I never made it because the men in my family couldn’t keep their hands off of me.

                I used to sneak drinks when I was real angry. I have always medicated myself. I never knew that alcohol was a drug. I needed it just to feel normal. Just to go shopping or do whatever.

                My oldest sister was the mom. My parents were partying. Mom used to take reds. My grandma taught my sister how to cook. My parents would be just in the other room.

                I had a lot of pain inside me and I tried to make the pain go away.

                My grandma said she would call CPS if she couldn’t have kids. My roommate said they would take her kids too. My grandma was getting food stamps and benefits. She would not give the kids back. CPS told me I had to go to a program and clean up just to get the kids back. My sister took care of the kids in the meantime. I would get the boys more than my daughter. I did not want her visiting me in the house. I was still afraid because of what happened to me. I had a hate for men.

                Even when I grew up, I hated men. I couldn’t love them. I feel like my daughter was better off because I kept her away from me. Because it happened to me, I knew that’s what could happen. The first ime I was touched I was 5 years old. Everyone in the house was asleep. He came into my room and got on top of me. He put Vaseline on me and put his weenie in me. He started hollering and white stuff came out. My sister came in and started beating us with a belt.

                I got in the shower and washed off all that Vaseline and cried. The next day my sister rubbed Vaseline on my welts. I yelled for my mama. My sister said I can’t have my mama because she is on pills. I grew up thinking I was dirty and nasty because I didn’t holler at him to stop. My sister said that if grandma found out I would be in trouble.     

                My grandma took me from my mama, and I would cry for my mama. I got whooped a lot. That’s how I knew how my daughter felt. But I still know she is better off because of being with grandma. All I ever wanted was my mama, and I was scarred from it, so I know my daughter is scarred.

                My grandma sent us to California. The next time it happened, I started yelling. My sister came in with a broomstick. She hit me with a broomstick. I stayed in there in the closet and cried. My sister said she would tell Grandma. But she never told her. I wanted Grandma to protect me. At 12 I went to stay with my mama and her man. He came into the room and was sucking on my tiddies. The next day I told my grandma. She told me I would break my mamas heart. My mama didn’t believe me. She moved me back to grandma’s house. I never got to go visit. My grandma say “I know you hurt, but some women will choose a man over their kids”. She told me to be independent and not let a man run all over me.

                I have never been the type to let a man run over me. I have a voice now and I will scream now. You can hurt the people you love when you tell on them.

                When my father did it, I just made sure I wasn’t alone with him anymore. He supported my grandmother and my mother. I would have broken up the family if I told them. I would never be alone with my father. He fingered me, and I pretended to be asleep. I curled into a ball so he couldn’t pull my legs apart. He heard someone walking around in the house and left. I got in the bed with other girls, and told them I was having nightmares.

                My sister didn’t know what it was back then. Some of that stuff might have happened to her and I just never knew about it.

                When I was 14 right before I ran away from home we went with my dad and his girlfriend on a trip. They took me to a hotel and we smoked sherm. They took off my clothes and put me in the bed. She started going down on me and sucking on my tiddies. My dad was trying to have sex with me. She ate me until I was dry and hurting. I hadn’t smoked as much as they did, and I remember everything. They think I didn’t remember. I said “take me home!” He said “don’t tell your mama no lies!” and he bought me a plane ticket. He made up a lie about some shit I did and my mama told me to apologize.

                I was tired of living in their house, playing by their rules. There was no love in that family, they just used me for money. I have been on my own since then.

                I was taking my boyfriend’s check. I would say

                “I’m just gonna spend a little bit,” but then I would spend three days high.

                I knew I needed to pay bills, get gas money, go shopping for food. But when I hit that stuff I became a different person. I heard voices. I thought I was a big-time gangster because I would sell it. I would have people all around me and that made me feel important. And now I’m broke and it’s time to go. I’m coming down, I look a wreck. I don’t want my son or his girl to see me. I promise myself every time that I would stop, but I don’t. Then I do it over again. I think about making the money over, I have already relapsed in my mind. When I didn’t use I would be miserable, get drunk, cuss everyone out. Soon as I get to drinking I crave using.

                I started learning the more I get, the more I wanted. The drug opened weird doors for me. I saw the KKK and illuminati talked to me. I asked “can anyone see this but me?” I was scared for my life, and I ended up in a mental institution.

                I was walking around with a butchers knife in my hand, and they called the police. Then I got out. I started using agaun so I could understand the voices. This was scary. I kept thinking “I gotta quit using”.

                I went coocoo for cocoa puffs while in Lancaster. I was high as a kite on Norco and Xanax. I got a chance to go to school but I was on pills. I heard voices from the TV, so they had me committed again.

                I always have hair done, jewelry, makeup. I got Xanax again, and had a nervous breakdown. I thought people in the trees were trying to kill me. I was taking 5 at a time when I only had to take 1. I asked to come off, and the doctor said okay. They started giving me atavan. But they kept the dosages down down down.

                I have been off Xanax 3 years. I take 1 Norco per day. Generic for Vicodin.

                Finally I have stopped seeing things. The Xanax induced me seeing things and people in trees with guns. I know the illuminati WIFI password. When doctors write you a prescription, I was OD-ing myself. And I was getting cough syrup. When they broke in on me wandering around in my apartment nude, the EMS said that I was crazy.

                I would do my voice in such a way that doctor’s could not recognize me, and then I would get meds.

                The only thing that talks to me is the radio, but that’s okay (radios make noise). I was in Star Trek on the enterprise because of legal pills! When I first got them, they were for anxiety. They were also for pain, after hysterectomy. (I do not have the bow the baby comes in, but I do have a vagina).

                I kept breaking my ankle, and falling under the influence.

                Also, I had a tumor in my uterus. I was bleeding a lot and in constant pain. This doctor was well-known for prescribing pain meds. After they found a tumor during ultrasound, they took out the tumor. My mama saw me bleeding on my period, blood running down my leg. I was on pain meds for the bleeding, I was high and didn’t care. My mom encouraged me to get it checked out.

                I was at Tarzana in Lancaster for Xanax and norcos. I started drinking again. I had dropped out of school, left my apartment because I was too afraid to be alone.

                I moved in with my friend and we were drinking and smoking weed. My liver started failing. They gave me the Hep C medication for my liver, which made me sick. I wanted to get clean, for my liver. I found a program in Reseda. At that point my liver was failing me: I would urinate on myself while drinking. Now I am clear in my liver, not taking the Hep C medicine, and I am over 1 year sober.

                I was in a motel in Palmdale 30 days waiting for Section 8 with El Chapo. I was just going crazy. When I packed up my stuff, I had a bottle of patron. Of course I drank it. Someone from Tarzana came to see me. I was sloppy drunk. I said if I don’t get help soon, I’m going to keep drinking. He said “what if I get you into a program, just until your Section 8 comes in?” I said “ok”.

                I was walking El Chapo and my neighbor offered me weed.

                Then my mental kicked in. The dog and the TV was talking to me! I locked Chapo in the bathroom. Then I let him out, and I rocked him until I was in my right mind.

                From Palmdale I did another 30 days in Lancaster. I found a foster care for El Chapo, and went to my sister’s for 1 week. The foster mom wanted him neutered! I paid a girl to take me up there right away!

                All the girls in the house wrote a letter saying they wanted Chapo in the house. We him in the meantime. Then I saw the doctor and met with Truett, who let me have the dog.

                I did not want to do 2 groups a day. They wanted me to switch doctors! I kept saying “I’m just here for my Section 8!” But I thought about how weed made me feel crazy. Other girls told me they were as crazy as me on drugs. They stood up there and talked about stuff that I had done and never told anyone about.

                I want a job, a career. I want people to know you can be raped as a child and stay clean. I have been clear for a year and three months. When I worked the first step, it was real and I believed it. When I worked the second step I had a spiritual awakening.

                When I told the story about my dad, it crushed me. It tore something inside of me. I’m going to heal now, and take it one step at a time.

                My goal is to be executive secretary, to have my own place, a car, and El Chapo.

                Now that I’m sober, me and my daughter are best friends. She gave me my 1 year cake and posted on Instagram. My sister Jackie couldn’t make it, but she was so proud of me! I put them through torture when I was drinking. I can tell them I love them now, have a decent conversation. My mind isn’t jumbled anymore.

                My sons are in Texas, but we talk on the phone. They see me on facebook and tell me I look like I am getting younger. I am in love with Misty today, and I am going to take her all the way!

  Grandchildren

I have six by my oldest son. Two by my baby boy. I have been to Texas to see them, too. I was in Texas three years ago, but I stay in touch by Facebook.

All the cousins know each other. None of them ever met my grandmother. They all know my sister! My son flew down with My son Jr. for Grandma’s funeral and stayed at my sister’s house.

[xuseokgyu]

This might be the longest one yet.......... rip. i had some stories to tell.... :((

My job is to mostly to tell people when they make mistakes lmao. i work in document quality control ? for a manufacturing company, mostly check the inspection paperwork and certificates for the medical/surgical devices. and then have to be like this... is not right. fix this. currently have a lot of prototype parts going through which have some added requirements but also they keep changing the prints so then obviously the paperwork then changes and its just been annoying cuz its redo-ing a lot of paperwork.

yeah, that makes sense and that is part of it sometimes... i also think im just not in the mood for certain genres of music at times lol.

lol yeah it was so funny in the beginning she was watching some mv's and kept sending me screenshots of jeonghan with different hair styles with this message "who is this????" and every single time it was still jeonghan. i was just like lmao you should just assume that its jeonghan at this point. her defense was that he looks really different every time he changes his hair. she can recognize him now at least. the only other ones she can recognize currently are s.coups (her current favorite member overall) and vernon (her favorite rapper in their songs - she really like how vernon raps). shes more rap biased lol.

thank you.. you are only a little late lol my bday was the 11th. the last time i played bingo i spent $40 total over two days (80 games @ $0.50/game) and won zero. its a skill... i only got close to bingo (1 space away) like 3 times total. it was really tragic... at one point the lady sitting at the same table as us was just like wow... i haven't seen you even get three in a row since i've been here (which was like an hour).

We went to the same kindergarten, then i moved away and then i moved back in the 8th grade (i also have known the friend that is getting into svt for the same amount of time since she went to that same school, though her family are basically neighbors with my cousins family, and they are really close, so i saw her a lot more overall but wasn't super close to her until more recently actually, when we went to the same wedding (my cousin's) and starting talking again)

also to help this make more sense (as in why would they remember me lol) my graduating class size at that school was only 22 people, and my cousins also went to that same school. my dad went to that school, the english teacher there had taught my dad when he was in high school, its extreme small town vibes. people would literally just recognize what family i came from and just start talking to me. and i'd just be frantically trying to figure out who they were. like oh god oh god am i supposed to know who this is?? have i met this person before???

actually the wackiest thing is one of my friends from when i moved (big school), her grandma, i found out after we moved back to the small town, used to babysit my dad and her grandmas house was literally a mile down the street from us... you could see her grandmas house from our living room windows. i was just like what?? her cousins also then went to the same school as me. and then we fell out of touch but then ended up going to the same college. where she would be like "i saw you on campus today" and i was just like??? i did not see you, where are you? i haven't talked to you in like 3 years wtf?? i'm not in touch with her anymore but my younger sister is currently roommates with her younger sister in college lmao. oh other bizarre thing... one of my classmate's (from the big school) relatives bought the house we sold when i moved in kindergarten, and idk for some reason a few years after we moved we went back to the old house for something idk, and my classmate was visiting her family at my old house at the same time. we saw each other and we just stared at each other like what are you doing here?? we had moved like hour away (highway travel times) lol so it was just so random. (wow i hope these made sense lol)

the heat was worse in the beginning of summer i think... or i've just gotten used to it lol. there was all that smoke though that blew in from canada a bit ago though. but thats almost become a yearly thing now unfortunately. lol your weather sounds like how the weather is here sometimes - i live in minnesota, we are known for our wildly fluctuating weather. extreme highs and lows.

I love piano in music! I had to learn how to play piano as a kid... my grandma taught (most) of the grandchildren. i'm not very good at it tbh i never liked to practice and i havent played in years lol. we also learned how to play the piano/read sheet music when i went to the big school for music class for a year. I feel like if you are able to buy a little cheap or used keyboard it shouldn't be too hard to teach yourself if you wanted to start?? at least simple songs. I guess learning to read music would be the hardest place to start if you've never read sheet music before?? but thats what cheat sheets are for tbh. write the notes in, write them on the keys whatever works. we had a foldable note cheat sheet thing that went behind the keys and said the name of the note and where it was on the staff behind all the keys. when I was learning i'd be like b b b where is the b im looking for... ah here it is *ding* ok and now c ... c . c. ah ha *ding* and then repeat until you can play at a normal speed lol.

oh hands down its Oh My! best summer song lol i love Oh My! .... You Made My Day is also my fav album... what about you?

also what's ur favorite cold drink (#2)? picked this one cuz I have been buying myself bubble tea like once a week almost uhhh all summer lol the tapioca pearls at this place are so much better than other places i've been to and this place has cheese foam that i have also become obsessed with (tho thats very expensive its an extreme treat myself drink add-on lol) the blended mango with cheese foam... so good.... its like $7 though. today i got the normal mango milk tea which i hadn't had in a while cuz i'd been going through the various types of regular? milk tea (made with different types of black tea - i love black tea i have um a lot of tea i think i have like 15 different types rn). Otherwise I almost always have ginger ale in my fridge lol its great for a lot of things and also just to drink. love ginger ale... i just love ginger honestly.....

Is 1am and I should be sleeping but I wanna answer this before reveal day!!!

Best job description 😂😂 I feel like your job is one that can become automatic very easily so I can see how the changes can be annoying

SCoups and Vernon are definitely the ones with more distinctive faces, they were the ones I recognized better first, same for my father... he knows the names of all the members now but he still messes up the three Js hahah Jeonghan Joshua and Jun always take a while for him to recognize, sometimes Wonwoo too, which drives my sister crazy cause two of her three bias are there 😂😂

These small town vibes are so cool! I love that you have this community and managed to form long lasting friendships!! I basically had the same classmates for ten years and as soon as we graduated I lost touch... I made great friends at college tho The pandemic has been hard, we are respecting our health and haven’t seen each other personally since it all started, but I hope once we can meet again everything will go back to how it was between us

I had a situation sort of similar to yours at school too ahha My mom was and had already been a teacher (P.E.) at my school for years so all the staff and a looot of the older students knew who I was, but I had no idea who those people were hahah To this day almost everywhere we go together we will encounter some old student of hers...

Is so cool that your grandma did that! But I can see how it was more a task than something you truly wanted to do so you probably wouldn’t be very excited heheh I was part of a choir growing up and we had sheet music but our teacher never truly showed us how to read it, I know the basics but is literally like a toddler that just learned the alphabet hahah

Oh my! really is THE summer song I completely agree with you there!! I also absolutely loove the mv and whole comeback seemed really cool

Oohh I only had bubble tea once and I want to drink it again!! I only know of one place that sells it here, it is still a pretty new “concept” so there’s not a lot of shops around... And I never had ginger ale! I’m super curious about it cause I’ve heard it being mentioned in, like, tv series, but I don’t drink sodas so I don’t know if I would break my “diet” for a taste heheh My favorite cold drink is lemon iced tea, the ones we have here are really sweet and kinda “sparkling”? (I don’t know how to say it... is almost like a soda but not really 😅) Even during the winter, we drink it during weekends cause is a “special drink” hahahah not a Brazilian thing, just in my house