#gotham city thots

[remnants]

thots about tommy wayne under the cut 👇🏾😚👍🏾

ok so in my head he's not from gotham lol (my guy is east coast mean, which is pretty mean, but not gotham mean which translates to being the sweetest guy on earth once you’re within the city limits). he's the illegitimate and son of patrick wayne and his daddy wouldn't claim him bc the affair/one-night-stand/whatever-you-wanna-call-it happened while he was very much married (fuck this guy fr!) and his wife was very much pregnant (oh brother this guy STINKS!!!). anywayyyy elizabeth mitchell isn’t stupid and knows a fight she can't win when she sees one so she leaves gotham for new york when the test comes back positive and patrick won’t pick up her calls.

and things are going good! she's made a little name for herself as a local nightclub singer and she's got a job waiting tables during the day that makes good money and sure things were a little touch and go for a while and sure there were times where she was sure that they weren't gonna make it but she got her baby through school (he graduated valedictorian btw) and now he's in the first year of his pre med undergraduate degree at the local university on a full scholarship (her parenting HER parenting).

so imagine her surprise when the billionaire deadbeat of the hour shows up on her doorstep one day talking about family duty and lines of succession.

patrick amadeus wayne jr. is dead. dead dead dead. and while it wasn't really a surprise to anyone with eyes (weak lungs can only take so many wet gotham winters and the tabloids were saying that the cough he sported at the latest gala sounded particularly nasty), he was by all appearances an only child (francesca wayne could barely get pj out let alone carry another baby to term) and the waynes were fumbling for someone to take his place before the body was even cold.

the transition is as rough as you would expect, what with the stony silences from his father’s wife (stepmother? who knows, not that either of them would ever acknowledge the relation) whenever they cross paths in the manor (francesca wayne never makes an outside appearance in gotham society again after the passing of her son. she enters a period of seclusion and never emerges, spending her days wandering the halls in mourning blacks and lighting candles in prayer), and sometimes being called patrick or pj by the gotham upper class (intentionally or not. though he suspects intentionally because his mother’s side of the family got the monopoly on his looks). it’s very obvious that he doesn’t fit in but hey, free college is free college and his mama is gonna be set for life if he can just see this through.

of course the whole thing doesn’t go over well (a long lost father suddenly appearing on your doorstep and claiming you only because his other kid died would put most people off to be completely fair) but after some yelling and screaming and haggling, compromises are made. in exchange for thomas moving to gotham and being prepped to take over as head of wayne enterprises, his mother is also to be put up in a fancy brownstone on the upper east side and given enough in allowance (in addition to the 18 years of child support she never got) so that she never has to work again and thomas is to be allowed to continue his studies, graduate medical school (in gotham and not at john hopkins like he planned. rip it was literally his dream school), and become a doctor (i like to think becoming a doctor was solely a thomas wayne endeavor. all the wayne men before him were men of business and trade but tommy has wanted to help people his entire life and he’ll be damned if he lets his father keep him from following his dreams). there’s a handshake and signatures signed on a drawn-up contract (because patrick wayne doesn’t do anything by halves and of course he brought the family lawyer to meet his son after 19 years of pretending he didn’t exist) and thomas goes from a two-bedroom apartment in hell’s kitchen to a bedroom the same size (and then some) right outside of gotham city.

and he does see it through, very well in fact! thomas wayne graduates top of his class in undergrad at gotham university as well as in medical school, is granted a residency at gotham general, and eventually becomes the head of surgery. Along the way, he meets a girl named martha, gets married, and has a beautiful baby boy named bruce (after his maternal grandfather ofc) and the rest is history!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

#until you got to tabitha i somehow straight up didnt realize you meant the show gotham and thot u meant like the city

I cited two separate actresses and it didn't like. occur to you that I might be talking about a TV show.

I was thinking about doing like a top 5 or 10 hottest men in Gotham ranking as like a fun little goof to celebrate when I finish the show but then I uuuuh really had to wrack my brain to get to three men I'd put on the list so I guess. I guess we will not do that.

[rexxdjarin]

quick late night thot:

okay so yknow in the movie suicide squad where they are talking about harley quinn and joker,

“they became the king and queen of gotham city, and god help anyone who disrespected the queen.”

yeah so that but basically me and boba lmao💀

i literally just want to be the queen (the daimyo’s lady) of the palace and lounge around wearing expensive lingerie and silk ropes and drinking expensive wine.

basically just wanting to be spoiled and look pretty doing it ❤️

Hahahaaha ok listen I’ve never seen suicide squad and this just made me think of all the memes of that quote BUT

The thot for Boba??? Hell yeah. I want to wear ornate, insanely expensive and sexy lingerie that makes him fucking crazy whenever he sees you in it

He thinks you look stunning in green. His green. So that’s a lot of what you wear. That and anything that compliments it.

As soon as the room clears, sometimes before that, he’ll run his hands up the intricate lace fabric on your thighs and slots himself between your legs. You’re the only one he’d ever let sit on his throne. The only one he wants to touch.

He spreads your legs wide and sinks himself so deep inside you it makes your head spin. This is how he chooses to worship you. To repay you for how much love and devotion and respect you show him. How much you believed in him is the only type of loyalty he’d ever wanted and you gave that to him with nothing but the purest of intentions at heart.

He’s never all that gentle. He probably doesn’t really know how. But you don’t care. You love him like this. You’ll love him however he comes to you. You feel so lucky to hold him tight, to know how powerful he is so intimately, the privilege it is to be considered an equal by the strongest, most ruthless man you know. He knows no weakness and fears nothing and the way he spoils you endlessly proves that he’s a man on top of his game with no one daring to challenge his place.

And stars above if he doesn’t tell you in the filthiest way possible that you’re the most beautiful thing in his world, his most prized possession, the thing he values above all else. He’s intense, passionate, consuming and almost violently in love with you. He spends endless days and nights proving that to you and to any unsuspecting palace visitor who listens just a little more than they should.

[acourtofidiots]

𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓴𝓼 𝓲𝓷 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓰𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓼

all my works that i’m currently working on!

note: i’m a college student taking 2 summer classes, as well as working a part time job. so please be patient with me as I work through requests! thank you!

『 series 』

↳ heartbreak weather (titans!jason todd x fem!meta!reader)

a rewrite of season 3 of titans

『 requestes 』

anon: ok but titans!dick is definitely one to overstim his partner as a punishment until they cry, or he could edge them all night, it goes both ways tbh 

anon: Can you do Jason Todd fucking the reader in his office table, like his a druglord and all of that shit. Pls🙏🙏

anon: What about a Jason x fem!officer from Central City. She was previously military, but retired early due to losing the lower part of her leg when saving a fellow soldier. Now, thanks to a robotic replacement invented by Star Labs, she still gets to save lives & was the best in her precinct. She was transferred to Gotham to go undercover & try & help root out the more corrupt officers, but that doesn't stop her from saving as many lives as she can. She & Jason innitially met when they were both investigating the same drug trafficing trade. They bumped into each other, fought for a few seconds on instinct (note that they are fairly evenly matched, though with different skills), before realizing who the other was. Being familiar with heroes, she offers to help, he refuses, she does so anyway. Can be an alpha!Jason x fem!omega if that makes you comfortable. I would recommend that she's not the typical shy omega. The sort who had to fight her way to the top twice over in an omega-prejudice world. She's tough as nails & a badass.

anon: Gonna send in a request for my boy Tim since I feel like he doesn’t get enough love…how about reader or Tim (whichever way you feel works better) teasing the other in a public place until the other one snaps

anon: Alright stay with me here, reader letting Dick finish inside her for the first time

anon: thot: cockwarming Dick to ensure he sits down and stops stressing himself out for at least a little while lmao

anon: Hi! I saw you're taking requests. I've been dying to read something with Dick Grayson x Black Cat!Reader. Maybe she's Catwoman's sidekick and has a enemies to sex buddies relationship with Nightwing. It's ok I you don't want to or can't write this one, I just thought to ask. Have a nice day/day, darling. 

anon: Hmm.. smut prompt for Titans!Jason where he eats you out after a mission as Red Hood.(That just popped into my head, I hope that's enough?)

anon: Can you pretty please write something where someone, (idk who.. too indecisive.. just whoever you want) and the reader have been friends for a long long time and one day they get bored and decide to kiss just to see what it's like? Then it escalates into something more sexual and kinky?

anon: reader wants alpha!dick grayson in her nest and she’s not about to back down, not even if she has to drag him in

shy alpha!dick who’s doing everything in his power to give unclaimed omega!reader her space during her heat— even avoiding her because god knows how else he would keep himself from knotting her— except that’s not what she wants. what she wants is him all over her. so basically sassy, semi-dominant f!reader

and then he’s all cocky like “aw pretty baby. you want me in your nest? that can be arranged.”

if you’re comfortable writing <33 i just know you’re the perfect writer for this. melt with you was just *chefs kiss*

kells (stxrryskygrayson): “you fainted…right into my arms. you know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.” w/ brenton thwaites, if you’re comfortable <33like maybe reader’s an actor too so this happens while on set (because of nerves, dehydration maybe, whatevs) and brenton just happens to be literally right there and ofc he’s the sweetheart we all know and love 🥺

anon: Reader and [batboy of your choice] haven’t seen each other in a few weeks, because [batboy] had to go on some week long mission that required complete radio silence. Reader is sexually frustrated, and as reader is (trying) to pleasure themselves, [batboy] comes home. And smut ensues?

anon: hear me out, 3some with jason and dick 😃😃 youre are all a best friends and you work along side the titans but this one time you REALLY fucked up on a mission and jay and dick really mad at you for fuck it up for them, so they decide to punish you 😃🏃‍♀️💨🛐  hiding away in shame 

kells (stxrryskygrayson): just had another idea for a one shot or smth:reader staying at wayne manor temporarily with the batfam and having the biggest crush on dick. bruce is taking care of business elsewhere so ofc it falls to dick to make sure you settle in. imagine him giving you a tour (your room’s right next to his), all those lil fluffy things. he’d def carry your things for you, help you unpack… *insert all the fluffy dialogue*being neighbors with him would be nice but also inconvenient at times. example: he’ll hear when you have nightmares and rush into your room (sometimes he’ll hear you cry or scream and it makes his heart hurt so ofc he’ll go to comfort you). he’s so hyperaware of every noise in your adjoining room. like if he here’s a thud or a shattering sound he’ll immediately go to make sure you’re okay. (you’ll be embarrassed because “just dropped a glass, sorry” or “knocked over some books.”) not the best when you need some private time. it’s impossible to be quiet. you made the mistake of thinking the walls were soundproofed when you first moved in (which would make more sense but nO) and dick, thinking you were sick or something, walked in to you touching yourself. my boy probably never knocks. maybe he’d knock after that. his cheeks would be so PINK like aw baby but he’d also be flustered too because he wouldn’t know how to react. 

『 my own ideas 』

making out with dick grayson

dark!alpha!jason todd x omega!reader (omegaverse)

[whipbogard]

You scum, at least buy me a drink first! 

(ʘᗩʘ) DC actually gave me canon post-apocalyptic (jaydick) biker gang au?  Also who designed Dick like this? He got some Big Thot Energy right there lmfao

Anyway, I enjoyed Gotham City Garage a lot uwu ♡♡♡

[shattersstar]

here r my jason headcanons abt his scars and general feelings about his appearance + how the reader deals with it

disclaimer: wrote these in my notes within half and hour and i’m tipsy but i hope u enjoy these thots

jason wasn’t overly aware of his appearance growing up, until he moved in with bruce. he was aware he was a bit rough around the edges, growing up as he did was direct influence of that, but it wasnt until he had to interact with high society he was made aware of how looks mattered. he didn’t get the same treatment as dick, maybe the novelty of bruce’s wards had worn off come the second robin, or maybe they all recognized a poorness in him that left his toothy grin a little smaller. he tried not to care but those things bite at the back of your mind and leave residual scars to trace in years to come.

and years later, he had come to hate his body. it was something mangled, mashed and stitched back together, barely holding itself together in the first few years after the pit. his autopsy scars stayed too, every injury from being robin, from his life on the streets healed into a nothing but those fucking scars stayed. they were a harsh reminder of how his life panned out and would follow him around till he died—again.

the distaste from the socialites he had nearly forgotten about seemed to burn through his veins each time he passed a mirror. as he grew and accumulated more wounds, ones that healed and others that didn’t, the more he stopped looking at himself. he wanted to feel the vanity others had thrusted upon him, wanted to relish in the sly glances he got as he aged into his (forever handsome) features, but all he felt was lies. They wouldn’t be as bold with their eyes if they knew about him, about what hid under the layers of clothes, what phantoms hung on his shoulders and the blood he washed away, that never truly left. He couldn’t find a rugged appreciation in the crooked bend of his nose of the scar that clung to his cheekbone, another slicing through his left brow bone.

he felt like he had grown into what he was always seen as, some rough kid from the streets of gotham. he didn’t hate looking mean, it had its advantages. he liked the surprised reactions he got from his apartment neighbours who assumed he was just some criminal kid trying to make his stake in the crime ridden city. but then he’d help them carry groceries, let them drop off their pets at his place when they went out of town for the weekend, helped esl kids with english homework when he had free time. part of him wished he didnt have to win over people to get him to accept and trust him but he understood nonetheless

that was until you showed up. you moved in across the hall and asked him the day you met to help you move the couch the movers put in the wrong spot. “if you’re busy its all good.” you added at the end with a shrug, likely due to his own stunned silence at your request. he agreed, pulling his key from the lock and spent the evening setting up your living room. you paid him in a beer your friend had given as a house warming gift and asked him about the floor. you were a bit nosy, a little gossipy but something about it felt sincere. just a genuine curiosity about the inner workings of the place he called home. actually—everything about you just felt sincere.

you were kind to him, treated him like a neighbour and not a cautionary tale and jesus that scared the shit outta him. you popped up in his life a few times after your first meeting, inviting him over when you made way too much food or asking him for a good grocery store nearby. it wasn’t until you knocked on his door, asking if he wanted to hang out���no conditions, no help or anything needed. “do you like movies?” you asked, swaying on the balls of your feet as jason stood in his doorway, it barely cracked open out of habit.

“as long as its not based on a book.” he replied, ignoring how dry his throat was.

“you’re a ‘book is better then an adaptation’ kinda guy huh?”

“because its true.”

“unless the book already sucks.” that made him chuckle.

“but yeah i like movies.”

“cool the things is—“

“u dont have a tv.”

“exactly, we can squish onto my bed or watch it at your place if you’re cool with that. can’t lie i am curious to see how you live.” you admitted, jokingly pushing yourself onto your tippy toes and pretending to peer over his shoulder.

“my place then.”

“tomorrow night?”

“tomorrow.”

it quickly became a weekly tradition, you’d bring popcorn and something you stressed baked and alternate between picking films. most were spent in his living room, but after a while you managed to get him back into your place. you did exactly what you said and squished into your bed, laptop balancing on your lap desk. jason was in his usual long sleeve and sweats. you were in a tshirt and pj shorts. it was summer and he knew you were going to ask. “you wanna go back to your place in change? its kinda warm and as much as i like you, i dunno how i’d feel about you overheating on me.”

despite your attempt at humor he muttered a quick, “i’m fine.”

you shrugged it off and jason should’ve known better. should’ve known you weren’t going to drop it, that wasnt how you worked. you were nosy and talkative and curious and pushy and caring and you hated the idea of a wall between you two. so when you slipped into his lap one day, some early 2000s romcom droning on behind you, he knew exactly what you were up too.

your knees dug into the side of his couch and your hands landed on his shoulders. “were friends right?” you asked, and something about how your nose bumped his felt anything but platonic.

“yeah.” he breathed, hyper aware of your thumb brushing against the collar of his shirt. one of his scars peaked through, and a jagged knife wound that left him half dead on a rooftop two years ago.

your thumb brushed it and his fingers clasped to your forearms in warning.

“this is why you’re always in sweaters right? what you’re trying to hide.” your eyes were fixed on it, still rubbing small circles against the skin around it. he didn’t say anything, you had were more observant than he gave you credit. “friends dont keep secrets jay.” you all but pouted at him, forehead resting against his.

“they’re...bad.” was all he could stress, eyes downcast to where your thighs met his.

“they’re apart of you which means they cant be bad. not to me.”

and it was like the hesitation in which people would approach him, the disgusted whispers about the newest wayne ward, the eyes that were fearful to meet his all vanished. all the left over pain and hate for his tired and broken body was put somewhere he couldnt reach even if just for this moment.

he still had a hard time looking in the mirror, wished his battered knuckles didn’t stand out so much when your fingers locked with his, wanted to kiss you without feeling the small scar from his  near constantly split lip, wanted to be able to wear the more revealing clothes you thought he’d look good in, and more. there were still things to want and wish and hate and push away. but there was also your voice now living in his mind whispering the words he hadn’t known he needed to hear since he was a kid.

[problematic-faves-appreciation]

Problematic Faves Cliffs Notes: Harvey Dent/Two-Face

Batman (1980) #329

Summary: Once a crusading district attorney that worked alongside Batman and Jim Gordon to fight crime – now the duality-obsessed super criminal known as Two-Face.

Harvey Dent also serves as a dark reflection of Batman's own struggles living a dual life with conflicting identities.

Main Goal: To enact his own justice whilst committing crimes.

Fears: Uncertainty, himself in general [the things he's capable of, specifically], losing control, his loved ones dying, his darker half discovering Bruce's secret identity [Detective Comics (2016) #1021], Renee Montoya's rejection [Batman: No Man's Land, novel], and the Joker [Joker (2008), only].

Mindset: Sees himself bound by fate and its will. As a result of Harvey's black-and-white worldviews, he considers his two-headed (scarred on one side) silver dollar a truly objective instrument of justice due to it only yielding two simple, 50/50 outcomes at the end of every coin toss.

"Some people go to the beach to forget their problems. They can watch the waves for hours. I understand the fascination.

There's a pattern – then there is no pattern.

It's the same with the coin. We want it all to mean something – we want to find the pattern – but in the final analysis, it's just waves."

— Harvey Dent, Secret Origins Special (1989) #1

•••

"He was always interested in the law – some might say obsessed. Man's law gave order to Harvey's world – they delineated the parameters of right and wrong, good and evil. They gave him something to believe in."

— Gilda Dent, Secret Origins Special (1989) #1

•••

Hugo Strange: Let's go back further, you were a rising star, a beacon of light for this city. A white knight riding in to save it with the Dark Knight not far behind.

Harvey Dent: You can leave him out of this. He is wrong. They all are. No one understands the beauty of fate's hand. I am grateful to Falcone. He gave me a clarity; a purity that few will know. Everything boils down to a simple choice, this way or that way, good... or bad.

Hugo Strange: Do you really believe that?

Harvey Dent: How could I not?

— Batman: Arkham City

•••

Batman: If you pull the trigger, how are you different from the Roman?

Harvey Dent: That's Jim Gordon talking. You know the system doesn't work. That justice can be decided like the flip of a coin.

— The Long Halloween

•••

"You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time... but you were wrong! The world is cruel. And the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased, unprejudiced, fair."

— Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

•••

"Life's a lottery, Holman. It's chance that decides who lives and who dies. Who gets cancer. Which kid is born with spina bifida. Who gets run over by a truck.

This [the coin] is what decides whether or not I blow your wife's brains out."

— Harvey Dent, Joker's Asylum: Two-Face #1 

Teen Titans Spotlight (1987) #13

Character Traits:

🌗 Loving • Idealistic • Genuine • Principled • Resolute • Focused • Driven • Workaholic • Passionate • Eloquent • Wrathful • Obssessed • Brooding • Self-loathing • Black-and-white thinking • Dauntless • Fair • Honest (generally) • Man of his word • Learned helplessness (regarding the coin and his choices) • Self-destructive • Unpredictable • Hair-trigger temper • Can be persuaded • Charitable (depends on coin toss) • Takes his pain out on others • Self-enabling • Serious • Harsh • Intimidating • Vengeful • Physically violent • Self-aware • Conflicted • Feels remorse • Tries, but fails to improve as a person • Too Dependent on his coin • Fatalistic • Suicidal • Forgiving • Self-centered, but not selfish 🌗

Key Facts:

Harvey Dent...

• Had mental health issues long before his disfigurement [Batman Annual (1990 #14, Batman: The Animated Series - Episode 10, and Batman: Arkham City].

• His father physically abused him every day as a child. Christopher Dent used a double-headed coin to make Harvey believe he could "avoid" the beatings if the coin landed on the non-existent "tails" [Batman Annual #14].

• Bruce Wayne was his childhood friend [Rebirth universe & Batman: Nightwalker].

• Harvey "Legal Eagle" Dent was the top of his class [Secret Origins Special (1989) #1].

• Paid for his father's nice apartment [Batman: Two-Face (1995) - Crime & Punishment].

• Half of Harvey wanted to love his father, while the other half wished him dead. Despite everything, he tried to make peace with Christopher prior to the acid attack [Batman Annual #14].

• Never stopped loving/thinking about Gilda Dent when she disappeared from his life following the events of the Long Halloween [Batman (2006) #653 & Batman (2011) #712].

What's more, Harvey continued loving Gilda so much that he wound up murdering her second husband's killer in a pre-Long-Halloween continuity [Batman (1980) #329] because the man's death left Gilda grieving.

• Fun fact: The Power of Love helped him resist Poison Ivy's pheromones in the Dark Victory #11!

Begone, thot!

• Blamed Batman for what happened to him with Salvatore Maroni Carmine Falcone and the acid attack that scarred his face [Batman: Arkham Knight].

• Uses his coin to determine whether he should kill or spare his victims. Also, he has been known to perform acts of charity [Detective Comics (1942) #66 & Batman: The Silver Age Newspaper Comics Volume 3 (1969-1972)] sometimes.

• Loves and hates Gotham [Batman and Robin (2013) #23.1].

• Dislikes hypocrites [Batman: Two-Face (1995) - Crime and Punishment & The Spectre (2001) #5].

• Developed strong feelings for Renee Montoya in the Batman: No Man's Land storyline.

• Continued caring about Renee deeply, despite the events of Gotham Central (2003) #10 [Convergence: The Question #1-2].

Received training from Batman [Batman #653] and Deathstroke [Deathstroke (2018) #38].

• Has tried growing better as a person, but he keeps failing [Batman Annual #14 & Batman and Robin Adventures (1995) #1-2].

• Has re-scarred himself more than once [Batman Annual #14, Batman #653, and Batman: Black and White (1996) #1].

• For all his faults and crimes – such as nearly beating Dick Grayson to death in Robin: Year One – he has helped people [The Batman Chronicles (1999) #16], defended Jim Gordon from himself as Jim's defense lawyer [Detective Comics (1999) #739], cares about the women in his life, and keeps his word when the coin comes up good.

He is a complex character, period.

Other Facts:

• Has seen Cocteau's "Beauty and the Beast" [Batman (1986) #397].

• Knows how to sculpt [Detective Comics (1986) #563].

• Owns a "thememobile" like Batman [Batman (1987) #410]!

• Likes baseball [Batman (1987) #411].

• Likes symmetry [Batman (1989) #442].

Smokes, but also doesn't [Batman (1994) #513].

"My own version of the literary reference mark known as a diesis – more commonly known as a double-dagger! My next pair shall strike to the heart of the matter!" — Harvey Dent, Batman: Two-Face Strikes Twice #1 – the words of a man who certainly reads a lot!

Batman Annual #14 & Teen Titans Spotlight #13 – A himbo he is not!

• Reads classic books such as "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" [Detective Comics #66] and "A Tale of Two Cities" [Batman: Two-Face Strikes Twice #2].

• Still finds putting criminals behind bars fun [Batman Gotham Adventures (1999) #12].

• Can speak Spanish [The Batman Chronicles #16].

• Doesn't mind hitting women at all. There are so many examples of this; Harvey confirmed it himself [Batman: Streets of Gotham (2009) #7], and beat up Jim Gordon's wife in Batman (1999) #572.

• Made a self-insert comic book in an art therapy program. Yup, he wrote and drew it himself [Detective Comics (2001) #753]!

Called it "The Adventures of Copernicus Dent and His Best Girl and Plucky Assistant R'Nee!" 

• Plays chess with Batman [Gotham Knights (2002) #32].

• Has watched Star Trek [Nightwing (2008) #150].

• Fought and killed a werewolf [The 2008 DC Universe Halloween Special]. Yes, really.

• Was a cult leader [Detective Comics (2020) #1020].

• Rebirth!Harvey is now working as a jailhouse lawyer in Blackgate [Detective Comics (2020) #1024].

• Understands how binary code works, but computer geeks make him sick? [Robin (1994) #11] Yeah.

• Has kids. Twins! [Batman: Two-Faces Strikes Twice]. It looks like they're irrelevant.

• Remembered Renee's birthday and sent her tulips [Detective Comics (2000) #747].

• Has been a judge before [The New Batman Adventures - Episode 24 & Arkham Unhinged (2013) #11].

• Hates odd-numbers [Robin: Year One #2].

[snarkwrites]

-- about my writing --

I’m currently taking requests / asks for headcanons [ can be either NSFW or just in general or a specific idea ] or fluff/filth Alphabet letters. These are the only requests I plan on taking. If you send me prompts / one shot ideas.. I won’t do them, sorry.

To see what the questions are for the fluff / filth alphabet, see [this post]

[ To my thots anon whomst I love with every cell in my body... Your thots are all going to fall under NSFW headcanons so please.. By all means.. Feel free to send me all the thots you want because I really really really really really enjoy writing them!!! Also, you can find the thots you’ve sent me on my nsfw masterlist, they’re not going anywhere. They were so good I had to add them to a masterlist somehow, I couldn’t resist. At everyone else out there, the same applies to you guys.]

So.. Here’s the thing.. I’ve decided that I’m going to be taking 3 kinds of requests. Those are as follows: Headcanons { filthy, fluffy or themed specifically at your choosing }, fluffy alphabet and filthy alphabet letters. These are the only kinds of request I answer so don’t send me prompts / one shot requests or ideas unless I specifically say otherwise.

Bearing the above in mind, I have some guidelines.

I’m only accepting headcanons (nsfw / fluff / specific theme &/or reader), fluffy or filthy alphabet letters. If you send me one shot ideas or prompts, I’m going to delete them because I don’t do one-shots.

One character per ask. I don’t care how many asks you send. But I ask that you only send one character per ask because that makes things a lot more simple for me.

You can send up to 4 letters in each ask if you’re asking for either version of the alphabet. Be sure to let me know whether you want filth or fluff or a mix of both. IE, you could send me something like this; character name - a, b {filth} & j v {fluff}. I’m not saying your ask has to look exactly like this but it does need to clearly state which version you’re asking for. The format I just did above was just the easiest way that came to mind for me.

The more precise you are with the headcanon requests you send, the better I can tailor them to you. If you just want an overall NSFW headcanon or overall fluff, that’s totally fine. But if you want a specific scenario ( friends to lovers, date night, weddings, the sky is the limit here) you need to tell me that. The same goes for if you want a specific reader (POC, plus size, sick, shy, virgin, imprint, etc) then I need to know that. It’s like I said.. The more specifics you give me, that’s more I have to work from.

As far as headcanons go, the things I won’t write are rape, incest / huge age gaps between reader / character. I’ll only write abuse if someone is getting their just desserts at the hands of character on readers behalf. Any asks containing rape / incest / huge age gaps are going to be deleted.

All asks must come to my inbox. I don’t take requests through DM or in comments on a post. If it helps, my anon is on, so you can request to your hearts content.

If the ask box is closed, this means I’m currently not taking headcanon or fluff/filth alphabet requests. This will also be noted on my blog bio and possibly a post stating why/for how long. Anything sent in after the ask box is closed will either be gotten to the next go around or it’ll be deleted, depending on the situation.

First of all... My content is meant strictly for adults. I do write some things that people underage can safely  read, but that is not always the case. I realize that I can’t stop minors from reading my work, but I can tell you outright that I’d rather you skip over it if you’re underage and it clearly states that it’s not written for anyone underage. Again.. I can’t do anything to stop minors from reading my NSFW content beyond just choosing never to post writing on the internet. And I don’t plan on stopping, so.. yeah.

I put warnings on everything. Reading those will definitely save you time and upset. If you keep reading something I’ve written and it upsets you in any way, I’m sorry but I can’t help. I warned you. You chose to take the risk -and most likely, you chose to skip the warning I gave before the post even started... It’s strictly on you now. It’s out of my hands. Any complaints or things of that nature are gonna be laughed at and deleted out of my inbox because I’m not here to argue or censor myself. I’m not your parents, just a peer. If you as a minor choose to look at me, an adult adjacent person, as an authority figure of any sort... First of all, why? Ya’ll.. no.. please don’t. I’m a hot mess, okay? To look at me like any trust worthy authority figure is... A huge error on your own part. Secondly, please don’t. I’m here to enjoy my favorite fandoms / post content for them. I’m not here to please people / censor myself and my content to make everyone else happy... Let me repeat. I put warnings on everything I post. If you keep reading and you read something you’re not supposed to this is now solely your own problem. Sorry, I guess?

I’ve seen other adults saying that they block minors on here. While I’m not gonna do that.. I will not tag minors in my NSFW content knowingly. If I find out you’re a minor and I’m posting something NSFW for a fandom you’ve asked to be tagged in, I will not be tagging you. Sorry. As much as I say I’m not here to parent you and I’m just your peer and you need to think of me like that instead, I’m also not willing to risk anything, either. I’m truly sorry in advance.

While I’m talking about tagging people / my taglist...If you want me to tag you in my writing, you need to be on my taglist. The taglist can be found [ here ] or you can dm / send an ask telling me you want to be added and I will be more than happy to do so. Don’t be afraid to ask me. I don’t mind at all! 

Every now and then, I’ll tag my friends in things I write. If I tag you in something and you don’t want me to, let me know. I won’t do it anymore. I’m not here to overwhelm or annoy anyone and I don’t want to come off as pushy, either. SO.. if you’re getting tagged or whatever and you want me to stop tagging you, all you have to do is let me know.

If you’re not on my tag list (or I don’t know you well enough to know whether you’d potentially want to read something) I will not be tagging you. If you’re a minor and I know for sure/think  you are and it’s smut, I will definitely not be tagging you.

Content I’m not willing to write or  you probably won’t find here: Incest and Rape. Those are my hard no’s. Just the thought of writing something like that makes me feel gross. I’m also not going to be writing huge age gaps in romantic stories either. (the closest I’ll come is like.. 18/19 and up to 24...) I mean absolutely no offense against people who can and do write things like this, I just can’t? 

American Horror Story; tate langdon, ben harmon, kit walker, kyle, dandy mott, jimmy darling, james patrick march, michael langdon, xavier plympton and night stalker.

Arrowverse; oliver queen, john diggle, slade wilson/deathstsroke, barry allen, cisco ramon, ray palmer, mick rory.

Bands / Celebrities; ask before sending because I haven’t done many of these and I’m still adjusting… Off the top of my head I’ve written for / feel comfortable with Nick Groff (ghost adventures), Jon Bernthal.. There are lots of others but alas, I’d stretch this out so badly if I added too many more names.

Boondock Saints movie; Connor Macmanus Murphy Macmanus & Rocco.

Breakfast Club movie; John Bender.

Castle Rock tv series; Dennis Zalewski, The Kid.

Criminal Minds; Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, Hotch, Tobias Hankel & Adam/Amanda.

Crybaby Movie; wade walker.

CSI tv series; Greg Sanders, Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown, Gil Grissom, Tim Speedle, Ryan Wolfe, Eric Delko, Danny Messer, Don Flack, Mack Taylor.

Dazed & Confused movie; Randal Pink Floyd, Mike Newhouse, Ron Slater, Fred O’Bannion and Kevin Pickford.

DC Cinematic; Digger Harkness.

Detroit Rock City movie; Tripp, Lex, Hawk and Jam.

Fast & The Furious series; Dom Toretto, Han.

Four Brothers movie; Angel, Jack or Bobby Mercer

Friday Night Lights tv series; Tim Riggins, ,Matt Saracen, Landry Clarke, Bobby Riggins, Vince.

General Hospital tv series; Sonny Corinthos, Jason Morgan, Johnny Zacarra, Dante Falconeri, several other of the guys on here…

Ghostbusters 80′s version movie; Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler , Peter Venkman, Winston Zeddemore.

Gotham tv series; Jerome Valeska, Jim Gordon, Joker, Riddler.

Harry Potter movies; Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Neville Longbottom.

Horror movies various; Billy Loomis/Scream, Charlie Walker/Scre4m, Wade/ House of Wax, Tom Hanninger/My Bloody Valentine + others. Trust me, there are... So many others. I just didn’t have the brain power to think of them all at the moment.

Law & Order tv series; Barba, Carisi, Stabler.

Lucifer tv series; Lucifer Morningstar.

Luke Cage; Luke Cage, Shades Alvarez.

Marvel Cinematic; Bruce Banner/hulk, Captain america/steve rogers, bucky barnes/winter soldier, eric killmonger, hawkeye/clintbarton, thor, loki, pietro maximoff, venom/eddie brock, starlord/peter quill, ironman/tony stark, wolverine.. I’m a marvel ho.

Mayans MC tv series; Angel Reyes and Ez Reyes.

NCIS tv series; Anthony Dinozzo, Timothy McGee, Marty Deeks, Greg Callen.

On My Block tv series; Spooky Diaz.

Punisher tv series; Billy Russo, Frank Castle.

Riverdale tv series; Jughead Jones, FP Jones, Reggie Mantle, Sweetpea, Archie Andrews.

Shameless tv series; Lip Gallagher.

Sons of Anarchy tv series; Jax Teller, Chibs Telford, Clay Morrow, Juice Ortiz, Opie Winston.

Stranger Things tv series; Jonathan Byers, Billy Hargrove, Steve Harrington, Jim Hopper.

Star Wars movie series; Han Solo, Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, Poe Dameron, Finn.

Supernatural tv series; Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Crowley, Benny Lafitte, Kevin Tran.

Teen Wolf tv series; Stiles Stilinski, Scott McCall, Derek Hale.

The Crow movie series; Eric Draven and Jimmy Quervo/Wicked Prayer.

The Lost Boys movie series; Edgar Frog, Allen Frog, David, Michael Emmerson, Sam Emmerson.

The Outsiders book/movie; Two Bit Matthews, Dally Winston, Darry Curtis, Soda Pop Curtis, Johnny Cade, Steve Randle.

The Walking Dead tv series; Daryl Dixon, Shane walsh, Rick Grimes, Negan, Glenn Rhee.

The Vampire Diaries tv series; Klaus Mikaelson, Kai Parker, Kol Mikaelson, Jeremy Gilbert, Damon Salvatore.

Twelve Rounds 3 movie; Detective John Shaw.

Twilight movies/books; Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Jacob Black, Paul Lahote, Embry Call.

I’m gonna be honest here. I post on my own time, at my own pace. Some days I post constantly, sometimes it’s days or even weeks, and occasionally, a month before I post anything. So.. Now ya know.

If I’m not on and posting, odds are I’m busy, taking a break or whatever. But I’ll come back! I always do. 

Basically, what I’m saying here is I have no set posting schedule. At all. I post what I want when I’m in the mood to do so. Just something to keep in mind when you’re asking for headcanons / nsfw alphabet letters with characters.

[narraboths]

Aron, your thots on Gotham City Sirens? Worth a look read? 🤔

been a while since i read it but i dont recall anything too horrid so yeah sure

[hauntedbat]

Jim Gordon always has been the Commissioner of Gotham City’s Thot Department in my heart.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

@deadgodjess yeah I thought I was done being peeved about this but I just spent a full forty minute yoga session unable to think about literally anything else. starting a new post because this one has gotten unwieldy but for anyone just joining us this is the tl;dr:

sorry it’s a day later and I’m still thinking about how dirty this godforsaken show [Gotham] did the riddler. why did you have to give him such a tacky ~ooooo mental illness is SCARY!! uh oh I killed my girlfriend by aCcIdEnT!!~ origin story when it would have been infinitely funnier for Ed to just run some numbers re: how many cases would actually get solved without him and come to the completely justifiable conclusion that he can absolutely get away with quitting his job and turning to a life of riddle-based crime.

I'm going to offer my alternative for what I, personally, think would have been a more fun Riddler buildup across Gotham's 4.5 season run. I am absolutely not seeking feedback, this is a thot exercise meant to be enjoyed by me, myself, and maybe like three people that I trust on this hellsite.

anyway having our boy Ed abruptly jump headfirst into the shallow end of the homicidal maniac pool was executed in a way that was not just wildly ableist but also mmmm dumb and boring as hell and really ripped away a lot of opportunities to use this character in a more interesting way, and by "more interesting" I cannot emphasize enough that I mean "ways that I think are funnier."

if I'm being totally honest I think producers/execs whoever got nervous about the show's continuation and insisted on pulling the trigger on Ed riddling out before season one ended in the hopes that having another Batman villain active pre-Batman would help build a little more railroad for this awful show to keep careening along on. this has to play out via the manifestation of a fucking evil alternate personality because, frankly, up until this point Ed has been characterized as pretty much a total sweetheart with absolutely zero ulterior motives and possibly the only brain cell in the entire Gotham City Police Department. he is literally Just Some Guy with hamfisted autism coding and a fondness for riddles who regularly gets dismissed and bullied by his colleagues, all of whom I wish would die in a fire (except for maybe Harvey Bullock because he's really the only man bringing any kind of eye candy to this show, but we're not here to talk about that).

what I'm getting at here is that the writers had a really great opportunity to spend a few seasons showing us how life in Gotham gradually wore down a man who was one a friendly and law-abiding colleague of Jim Gordon's into a little freak in spandex who cannot stop trying to one-up a man dressed as a bat. he actually could have been a compelling foil to Jimothy, whose whole deal is that he's somehow managed to remain The Only Honest Cop In Gotham despite years of horseshit; building on the relationship between the two of them and exploring how their paths eventually diverge could have been really cool and yes, I will be drawing on that in my posthumous script doctor.

as long as we're talking about the Riddler and basically everyone else in the show sans Selina (and... sort of Poison Ivy, idk, I don't like the in-universe age lift and I don't want to contemplate it too much) I think it's stupid that Gotham is basically setting up a universe where all of Batman's iconic enemies are actually more like a bunch of middle aged assholes that Gordon already has decade-old beef with. it's dumb but it's also what I have to work with because if we tweak things any further to make Bruce and all of his future rogues teenagers together I think we're just remaking Riverdale.

sorry we got a little lost in the weeds there, I wasn't originally planning on making that and I don't want to admit how much time I wasted on it. anyway after a little "oh boohoo I'm just a poor little guy I can't believe I did murders" Ed's pretty much straight to bugfuck crazy murdertown with every other villain on this show. everybody on Gotham is like two seconds away from committing homicide at all times except for MAYBE Bruce; pretty much every recurring antagonist is a kill-happy maniac and most of the one-off villains of the week are as well. even the Penguin gaslight gatekeep girlbosses his way through a truly staggering number of people in the first half dozen episodes alone. what I'm getting at here is that dropkicking the Riddler straight into the same mold isn't just ableist or lazy - it's also the very worst thing that writing can be, which is FUCKING BORING. what if, god forbid, we had one rogue bringing a different kind of sauce to the party? in this essay I will -

season one: my pitch here is actually so simple, because I literally just want to keep Ed's characterization the same for the entire season. no abrupt slip and slide into stabbing and/or choking people to death, just a weird little dude who's around and good at his job and has a little mug with a question mark on it. he shows up once an episode for two minutes to crack the case wide open and tell a riddle and the remind the audience that he's around. "yep, that's the Riddler," they'll say. "no need to give him a violent split personality, I know where this is going and I am indeed capable of waiting for that payoff."

season two: now at this point you might be saying "Makenzie wait - is your pitch going to assume that the original storyline of Gotham is otherwise proceeding as it did otherwise? because that's going to get pretty impossible pretty fast if the Riddler has a drastically different personality/role in the show." yeah hey listen man. listen. I don't give a shit about what actually happens in the show. I give a shit about the Riddler. don't ask about this again. this all takes place in an AU where Gotham is a competently written show; I know that's sort of a stretch but bear with me.

anyway season two is when we can start getting some cracks in Riddleboy's chipper little exterior but for god's sake, let's deploy a little subtlety. probably he needs to start getting bullied more - possibly because he's notably friendly with Jim and easier to bully than Bullock, Jim's only other friend. anyway, this is how Ed learns that sometimes fucking people over is okay, actually. nothing drastic, just manipulating evidence here and there to ruin the day (and then career) of some of the biggest assholes in the department and bolster his faves (Jim). I cannot emphasize enough that the first half of the season has to be about this man realizing that most of his coworkers are VERY DUMB and EXTREMELY EASY TO MISLEAD.

come the second half of season 2 we get to see him getting a little too cocky, which will ultimately lead to his downfall. tl;dr being smarter than everyone is fun but still doesn't solve the problem of nobody else noticing or caring that he's smarter than them, and it's really starting to rankle. this will be the point when Ed upgrades to like. full sending his own boss cut-up magazine ransom notes and shit making demands to try and steer the GCPD more efficiently. there are, obviously, subtle little riddles embedded in these letters, but Gordon is the only one who will notice because Gordon's the protagonist and gets to notice things. this will end in a big confrontation, whatever, he's not going to turn Ed in because he believes Ed was genuinely acting in the interest of flushing out dirty cops, but he's also a little bitch so he IS going to tell Ed that he'll turn him in if Ed doesn't resign. Ed goes quietly and with a frankly unsettling amount of glee that someone was finally smart enough to solve one of his little puzzles. personally I love when the Riddler won't really look at or acknowledge anyone who won't play his silly little games I think that's so fun of him.

season three: the first half of season three is actually by far the most fun for me because it involves Ed a.) doing the Riddler thing where he tries to be a private detective for a while and b.) getting mercilessly bullied by all of Gotham city for a bit. you can fill in the specifics of the goofs yourself but suffice to say he's just a plucky little guy investigating some weird ass shit and still getting dumped on a lot in the process. our boy is going to have to learn to get a little unscrupulous.

it's vital that during this half of the season Jim comes to him at least a couple of times to ask for input that frankly none of the useless sadsacks at the GCPD are qualified to provide now that Ed's gone, because they're all doing the equivalent of that John Mulaney bit where they look at a corpse and go "ew! clean it up!" instead of gathering anything useful in the way of evidence. for some reason that I can't QUITE put my finger on it seems important to establish that Jim Gordon is willing to work alongside people who are operating a bit outside the law as long as he believes their intentions are good. and listen - Ed will genuinely help him! but he is also absolutely going home and idly jotting down notes for how he'd get away with exactly the crimes he helped solve.

the second half of season three involves him getting nabbed by Someone and pretty much extorted into helping them work against the GCPD on account of being a former employee who knows exactly how they investigate. what ensues is a series of crime scenes that have an abundance of fake evidence designed to lead the cops in circles that go nowhere - UNLESS you piece together some extremely abstract hints being hidden there, because Ed is sincerely making an effort to alert his old GCPD chums to what's going on. except, oh no, the stress of being held hostage is getting to him and he is SORT OF starting to enjoy how good he is at this and also beating his head against the wall in frustration over how fucking stupid literally every single one of his former colleagues is. he'll get rescued (by Jim) by the end of the season but god will he be bitter by then.

also I said he was being forced to work for Someone and it truly could be anyone in this horseass show but like. come on. it's Penguin. the rest of canon can go to hell but it's so important to me that Penguin still wants to fuck the Riddler so bad it makes him look stupid. it's just hands down the funniest thing that happens in all of Gotham and I wouldn't change it for the world.

season four: alright so Eddie boy starts this season trying to go to therapy about his whole kidnapping and probably PTSD thing but we the audience will realize very quickly that he's getting twitchy and is just purposefully playing with like. MULTIPLE different therapists and giving them all wildly different information to see if he can get each of them to give him different diagnoses. he has absolutely no idea why he's doing this except that it's fun and he evidently can. this man is living on the knife edge he's so sweaty and gross and he wants to do crime again SO bad and is really running out of reasons why he shouldn't.

if this show were written by people I could trust I'd say we could actually do a really thrilling mental health(TM) storyline here focusing in on Ed getting increasingly manipulative and ruled by compulsive behavior. I'd say the crux of his arc in the first half of the season is Jim convincing Ed to check himself in to some kind of mental health facility for his own wellbeing - probably Arkham, since it seems to somehow be the only mental health facility in Gotham despite the fact that it appears to be patterned on ghoulish 19th century sanitariums more than anything. anyway, this lasts approximately one day before Ed disappears from the facility and leaves an elaborate riddle behind, thus ending his arc for the first half of the season.

second half starts as a straight up revenge plot against Penguin because I love when these awful little homos fight with each other, but Gotham being Gotham I think a bit of an emotional roller coaster can ensue. Penguin can definitely convince Ed to ease off and work with him as more of a partner for a bit, but I still want this Riddler to be a murder lite contrast to most of the other villains in the cast so I think that will be the point of contention that ultimately drives them apart. the Penguin CANNOT stop lethally girlbossing; it's his first love.

anyway after that Ed's just fucking with the GCPD for shits and giggles because fuck 'em, am I right? he's definitely got the whole question mark suit Look going by this point; hanging out with the Penguin for too long changes a man.

season five: god I don't even know; there were only 12 episodes and one of them was for the flash forward. he tells some shitty riddles and probably gives Gordon one final helping hand but in a way that benefits him, firmly securing his status as "sometimes useful, always a bastard." all that really matters this still happens to him. this is the last we see of him, dangling next to Robin Lord Taylor in just the least convincing fake gut I've ever seen in god's green earth.

anyway sorry this got so long I'm genuinely appalled and disgusted with myself. I have problems!

[ask-gotham-city-kings]

Edward: ‘’WE’RE THE REAL GOTHAM CITY SIRENS!’’

Jervis:  I don’t know how she can does this all the time...

Jon: -bEGONE THOT-

_______________________

Sorry for this

Please,payattentiontodatass

[replacewythy]

Totally Reprise Episode 90

"APPRECIATE OUR SACRIFICE, LISTENER!" "Well then get on fuckin' patreon." "Well... no. Then I would have a responsibility to put out content on any kind of timetable." "Ah, well you see, that's where you're wrong." I felt kind of bad for laughing at this, but I did. "I love my disturbingly overmuscled son." god so much happens in the Buu arc Gogeta is not canon, I looked that up a while ago. "I think that's why we think we have good episodes, is cause we survived them." "Is this like Leg Party?" "Uh, okay, well there's no Leg Party, first of all, there's Legfest" LEG PARTY! They're boys, and they got legs? "I'm gonna write down 'gacha drugs' for my cyberpunk setting." fuck that's good "Where do you put it?" "In the back alleys." Yeah, makes sense to me. "I don't think Luke is a serial killer" a ringing endorsement "is this an episode of Totally Reprise?" "Fuck." "This might be an episode of Totally Reprise." "Guys, they brought that podcast back, we extra can't steal their bits now." "I mean, if they can steal their bits, we can too." That's true, that's fair use, look it up. "Hey everybody who saw that tumblr post about Totally Spies being horny" "Hello!" "Welcome. It's been a great couple weeks to generate content for us" it's been "We should probably not ego search for ourselves during the show." "Why?" Have you even heard this show before? "I think it may have returned every single instance of the word 'totally'" That's going to be a few of them. "And by dinner, I do mean empty plates, glasses of water, and just kind of staring at each other at a table." "Welcome to our searching podcast." Goddamnit now you're stealing bits from Friends at the Table "I don't know why, but they list his 'Nation State' as South America." "Jerry explains that men all over the world have been falling asleep." "Well, when you put it that way." "Hey guys, have you ever seen a flower so bad you fall asleep?" "They give them two jet skis." "Sam, you're being a little bit of a weird racist." "Little bit." "You're being a fuckin' chaser and I don't appreciate it." god I didn't even think about what complete bullshit that plan triangulation was "It's such a funny joke, when I talk about how they have the wrong number of jet skis." "She is the second costume color on the Poison Ivy in a fighting game." "Sam posits the question, but, but Violet, not ALL men, are bad" "There is not a single innocent boy, I'm sorry." "This woman is thwarted, not because of the spies, but because she didn't wear a hair net in her laboratory." I didn't know what thot meant either, thank you for asking Luke "Thank you, WeedLordVegeta, for this awful, cursed question." "And also, cause Maxie, one hour ago said, don't forget this one! And I said I can't!" "I don't know enough about flowers. Or fucking." same "She's volcel." goddamn, that's true Molly didn't mention Yaretta on her list of plant girls, but I guess she was sticking to fictional characters. "Lily, bitches!" "Okay, yeah, I guess you get the fuckin' gay one, Ashley, congrats." "I'm a fake plant girl." "Hey, do you think that when Harley like uses her fingers, she calls it a green thumb?" "........................Can we end the podcast right now?" "Listen, Gotham City is just a city full of vats of weird chemicals that make you into different shit." "I did tell you the other day that I would rather listen to All Star by Smash Mouth than any Coheed and Cambria song." Well All Star is a really good song. "'Three of the richest people in the world have disappeared.'" "Thank God." I didn't get the name until Ashley said it and now I'm mad "You could just say like an apple, but also if you said I eat cucumbers like an apple, I would hate you. Forever." "...Nature's corn dog." This will be my last thought before I die. "Alright, I can put my cucumber down, if we need to start." "I have a second one." You can't just eat two cucumbers!

[words-by-andy]

June 30th, 2017:

Jay Z, 4:44 (2017) Best Tracks: “The Story of O.J.,” “Legacy,” “Smile” Weakest Track: “Kill Jay Z” Rating: 8.8/10

I’ll be honest: when I heard that Jay Z was possibly putting out an album a month ago, I didn’t care. When I heard that Jay Z was definitely putting out an album a few weeks ago, I didn’t care. When the minutes trickled after learning that the album had actually gone live, I still didn’t care. It’s just how I felt. Kingdom Come jaded me, Blueprint 3 hurt me and Magna Carta tarnished my ability to ever trust again.

Yet, we live in an age where opinions fly as fast as the wireless connectivity that transmit them, and as many with connection to the human race quickly heard, the word had come in: J-Hova was back.

So I listened. And listened. And listened more. This process reoccurred not continually through the whole album, but through every single song. It was like watching a movie and re-watching it just to realize how much shit you missed, and there was plenty. The wisdom, the wordplay, the ripe vulnerability and the punchlines to match — they were peak Jay, albeit in an entirely new form. The legend was not just back, but powerful enough to make you forget that JT is probably still out there somewhere adorned in his Barney’s suit and tie.

So, to commemorate this grand moment in rap music, I can only do one of the things rap fans loved to do the most before RapGenius made it all too simple: decode the fuck out of fire ass bars. And so we begin.

– – –

“Y’all on the ‘Gram, holdin’ money to your ear. There’s a disconnect, we don’t call that money over here.” – “The Story of O.J.”

Let’s begin with what is arguably one of the most iconic bars rapped since SahBabii famously pondered the health-conscious, “How you suck dick, but don’t eat string beans?” At first glance, the lyric seems simple enough. Compared to Jay Z’s wealth, your Instagram photo of you purposefully gazing at the floor like a thot with a stacked bundle to your ear is pitiful. Not only does Jay not admire it, he also refuses to call your wrinkled paper money. He’s rich, you’re on Instagram. Point taken. cNow, let’s look into the actual pose described itself. Why is the unnamed flexer holding the cash stack to his ear? Well, because as the age old proverb goes, you got to pick up when the money is calling. Maybe for fear the money’s service will be busy later? Who knows. Nonetheless, herein is where Jay Z makes his message clear, primarily by going full “hold up, I’m about to enter a tunnel, my reception is really bad” levels of I can’t hear you. There’s a disconnect, both financially and in terms of hypothetical cell phone reception. At this point, Jay is so far into the tunnel of real wealth, he is now unavailable to literally call that money. Let it be known that vain cash bundles hold no place in Jay Z’s metaphorical contact list. 

“Drug dealers and abusers, America likes me ruthless. My therapist said I relapsed, I said, “Prehaps I Freudian slipped in European whips.” God sent me to break the chain.” – “Smile”

With all honesty, these might be my favorite lines of the whole album. There’s so much to unravel here yet the message is so clear, which is Hov’s M.O. to a T. In these lines, Jay counters his portrayal in the white media as a criminal by reaffirming the reality that he’s earned his overwhelming success through music and a tight business acumen, and all with instinctive ease, or as he refers to it, “Freudian slips,” a term coined by famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud describing moments or words spoken by accident that reflect ones subconscious desire. Creating classic albums, founding and running a major label, landing Beyonce, developing an entertainment conglomerate, creating an artist-friendly streaming service, landing Beyonce — all these came to Jay intuitively from his desire to succeed, along with his desire to break apart the chains of structural racism (as represented by European whips) and the obstacles he endured. And he made it all look easy. You see that? That’s god-level poetry.

“Slappin’ out of the toy, the separation is clear. In my rear-view mirror, objects is further than they appear. Oh yeah, I was born with a pair, Playin’ for high stakes. Norman caked, he looked up and out of the Lear.” – “Smile”

There’s two very important innuendos to break down here. cTo begin, we have to call back to Drake’s 2016 dud Views and pick apart a small shot tucked in “Weston Road Flows,” a couplet that reaches with the sentiment: “You number one and I’m Eddie Murphy, we tradin’ places / Look in the mirror, I’m closer than I really appear.” With a track-record for subliminally calling out Jay (debatably the greatest of all time), there’s no confusion as to who that line was for. So, Jay being Jay, clears up the misinformation with two simple retorts: 1) the separation is VERY clear and 2) you’re still far as shit. In this way, not only does Hov want Drake to know he’s in fact not Eddie Murphy, but he wants him to know he’s probably also not Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock or even Kevin Hart. He’s Katt Williams or something, you know, somewhere in a separate caliber kickboxing children.   cAs for the second part, well this deserves recognition for being just about the most middle aged reference I’ve ever heard in a rap song, sans all the corny dad jokes Kanye’s been dropping since “so many Aunties, we should have an Aunty team.” In this impeccable confection of words, Hov lets you know he has balls, and as such, plays for high stakes. The reward? Well, he (referring to himself as ‘Norman’) made a shitload of money and is now looking out of a Lear jet — a play on the name of iconic television producer, Norman Lear, the man responsible for shows like Sanford and Son, All in the Family and practically every other ’70s sitcom you watched on Nick At Nite when you stayed up too late. It’s a punchline so deeply representative of Jay almost being 50 and old as hell, yet he flaunts it while simultaneously letting you know he’s still rich and talented. Genius.

“Marcy me, streets is my artery, The vein of my existence, I’m the Gotham City heartbeat” – “Marcy Me”

It’s no secret that Jay Z will go to any length to put on Brooklyn’s Marcy Projects. He shouts the project building out in every record, and even goes out of his way to distribute toys throughout the houses every Christmas. To Jay, the Marcy projects are what Gotham City is to Batman. In his eyes, it his duty to protect the name and legacy of the place he called home. It’s sacred to him (hence the ‘Mercy Me’ flip).

Yet, at the same time, this acknowledgement works both as a statement of intrinsic love for his old tenements and also as recognition that the Marcy houses very much so represent his darkest days. No matter if the streets flow through him like veins and arteries, as they are what gave him life, the play on vein/bane/Bane is left purposefully enough to fuel the Batman analogy. Those same buildings he knows and love were the same that gave him his first job peddling crack and acted as a backdrop for the reoccurring violence he faced growing up. Like Bane to Batman, the houses could’ve very much presented him with untimely death, as they did with timely strength.

Make no mistake, Jay Z is a real life superhero.

[babybird]

ay yo im at work at bowling alley hell rn but I wanted to stop by and say I'm like 3 away from my next hundred which is cool AF i lov all of u also if I could get a promo bc im tired of playing the "so close yet so far" game

[babybird]

aquaman: .......talk

me: