#got a whole bunch of brushes and wanted to test them all

[birdhand-arts-extra-chaos]

im lost...

[hoe4sports]

Two blossoms on a single branch

Ona Battle x reader

Triggers; Post partum anxiety. Angst.

Ona was always very clear on that she wanted to be a mom. She wanted kids, multiple of them. A family, a golden retriever, an suv: the whole shebang. The process from you getting pregnant through ivf wasn’t very long, you got lucky and it sticked on the first try. Or, she sticked. Your sweet daughter, Sofia was born on her duedate a bright sunny day in July. She was the most perfect newborn: she slept through the night fast and would only cry if she was hungry. She was all over just a very happy baby.

That lasted until she was 3 months, and let’s just say; hell broke loose. Your normally happy daughter had started crying at every chance she got. She would only be quiet if she was being rocked in her stroller or if she was being bounced back and forth. Sometimes, bouncing wasn’t even enough. You had spent hours upon hours each night trying to calm her so that Ona would get her sleep as her restitution was a part of her job. Being one of the best footballers in the world had its benefits.

You were pacing in the downstairs living room while walking back and forth between the couch and the kitchen in hopes that it would calm Sofia down. The now 1,5 year old was crying even after food, diaper, cuddlesand bathing. Nothing seemed to help. Her high pitched screaming was awful, and you knew that Ona had been developed postpartum anxiety that she was still working on. It was normal for partners, especially female partners to develope it as they naturally would fear that the baby wouldn’t connect. Ona hadn’t felt connected to the baby since the era of crying had begun. Every time Ona stepped into the room while she was crying, it would only get worse and you wouldn’t be able to calm her down. You were trying your best to support her, but sometimes you wished that you could have some support as you were running on 3 hours sleep every night for the last 9 months.

“Shh, baby, come here, you are okay. Mamma is here, princesa” You shushed as the high pitched screaming started just five minutes after you had put her down sleeping in her stroller. The stroller was where she usually slept best leaving you to have an inside stroller and an outside stroller. The little blonde was red from crying, her icy blue eyes full of tears as she grabbed your arm. You stood up and started rocking her again. Her crying was only escalating, and you were just hoping that Ona wouldn’t wake up. “Baby, mamma dosent know what’s wrong” You said as you tried to adjust her position to a more upright one. You had done everything we could; taken her to a bunch of doctors, chiropractors and therapists. Nothing was wrong with her, she was just fussy. You brushed her hair back from her face as it was drenched in tears. “Ai, mamma wishes she could understand you better, preciosa” you said as you walked towards the kitchen hoping that she was wanting her bottle. It was more of a comfort than a source of food as she was getting older, but she was still taking it. You pressed the baby brezza. The machine buzzed as the milk was mixed and warmed at the perfect temperature. You grabbed the bottle and tested it on your arm before taking it with you to the living room. You sat up in the big larger chair and supported your daughter on a pillow as you offered her the bottle. She thankfully accepted it as she kept drinking making the cutest whines you could ever imagine a baby making. Everytime she stopped crying, you were reminded of how sweet she was and how much you loved her.

The clock was now 6.30 and Ona entered the living room. You quickly gestured for her to not talk as Sofia had finally settled down. When Sofia would finally sleep, you wouldn’t dare to move. “Hi” you whispered as she shoot you an apologetic smile while slipping into the bathroom. You frowned. You missed your wife. You missed how she kissed you on your forehead, how she could hug you, how she would hold you and how she would cuddle you when you went to bed. Life hasn’t really allowed for any of that lately. Sofia wasn’t at a place where you could bring her to the trainings as she only cried. You loved being a football player, but you loved being Sofia’s mamma more so going back to work was paused.

After some time, Ona reappeared from the bathroom as she was fully dressed to go to work. “No breakfast, grabbing something at the arena” she said as she kissed your forehead and walked fast towards the door. “Baby?” You asked as she stopped with her back towards you holding tightly on to the door handle. “Mmm?” She responded, not turning around. Almost like a deer in the headlights. Sofia then woke up and turns her head towards her mami while blinking slowly. “Que, mi-» Ona started before she looked at Sofia in horror. “Ai, no-“ she said again as she was cut off by the familiar sound of Sofia fussing while she was looking at her mami. Her little lips forming into a pout as her feet was kicking and her hands were reaching towards Ona. Ona quickly walked out the door before saying “sorry” as she left. When the door closed, Sofia was once again screaming. “Ai, mi princesa, what’s wrong” you cooed as you tried to cradle her in your arms. It didn’t work as she only became more wiggly, and you were forced to put her down to give yourself a minute to breathe. She had been walking for a few months, so as soon as you, put her down she shot up while launching unsteadily towards the door only to fall on her butt when she tried to reach the doorknob. “Mama” she said as she started crying. You sighted and walked towards her to pick her up. “NO, Mama! Mama!” She screamed as she tried to throw herself backwards. “Baby, I’m here, mamma is here” You said as you catched her and leaned her body into you and she grabbed your sweater with all the might that her tiny fists could hold. “Mama” she cried as you stood confused while bouncing her back and forth in the living room. You stopped in front of the window to see Ona pull out of the parking lot in her Mercedes. You could hear Sofia fumbling with something behind your back as if she was playing with the shelf. “Baby, be caref-“ you said as you shifted her position to sit on your hip. Except she had something in her hands. A frame of you and Ona before Sofia was born. Ona holding your waist as you laughed together. Your absolute favourite picture of you together.

The little girl pointed to the picture as she sniffled. “Mama” she said as she pointed and hugged the frame into her body. You sat down with her in the couch and grabbed the picture as you held it up infront of her. “that’s Mamma” You said as you pointed towards you. “And that’s Mami” you said as you pointed towards Ona. Sofia sniffled as she wiped her nose with her hand before pointing towards Ona. “Mama” she said as you took a look at her and realised that she was trying to talk. “Mamma” you said as you pointed to yourself. “Mami” you said as you pointed towards Ona. “That’s mamma and Mami” You repeated as she sniffed. “Mami” she mumbled as you started at her in shock. “Yes Sofia! Mami, that’s right! Estas mami!” You said as you cheered, Sofia almost immediately clapping for herself. It was the first time that Sofia had been able to separate mamma from mami and you couldn’t be more proud as I wished that Ona would be here for it.

Later that day you tried to feed Sofia lunch after her midday nap. She wasn’t having it throwing the soft boiled paprika to the ground before the potatoes and the carrots followed. She cried, and cried, and cried and cried and cried. You let out a sight as you picked her up. “Preciousa, mamma knows that you are hungry” you said as you looked at her while she was crying. You closed your eyes and let out a sighed before taking a couple of deep breaths like the therapist had advised Ona to. “Okay preciousa, how about mamma make you some porridge, si?” You said as you reached over to the little girl and picked her up. She was still crying, but not as bad as before. It had probably something to do with the smell of the familiar porridge spreading around the house. It was one of the few things she liked, and it was the same porridge Ona had grown up with. The smell of milk, oats and cinnamon was wrapping your house in a feeling of bliss, comfort and familiarity. As the porridge was done, you buckled Sofia into her chair again before feeding it to her. She was luckily eating this time, but you could see that the exhaustion was taking its toll on her. You picked her up and got her all cleaned off as you headed towards the living room. Originally, you had wanted to keep her toys in her playroom but motherhood was rough and toys were now in every room. You sat Sofia down as she reached for her train. It was a blue train that Ona got her for her first birthday. She loved the train and would always bring it to bed when you tried putting her down for the first time at night. After a good 20 minutes of Sofia playing soundly on the floor giving you some well needed time to refresh your mind: the lock in the door clicked. Your eyes shot up as you immediately got scared. Ona was at practice and all of your family were busy. You grabbed Sofia terrified of whoever was behind the door. You held Sofia close as she looked up at you and was feeding off of your nervous energy. Your hand searched for your phone to be ready to dial for help as you gulped. The door-handle suddenly twisted and Sofia started her high pitched crying when she saw the face behind the door. It was Ona that had been told to go home early as she seemed exhausted. Sofia cried as she screamed and Ona looked like she was about to fall apart in the middle of the hallway. Sofia screamed as she reached her arms out and threw herself back in your arms trying to wiggle loose.

Then it hit you like a brick. Like a train. Like a trailer. As if the sky had just fallen down. Sofia wanted Ona. She wanted mami, not mamma. She was missing mami, and her little heart was longing for her mami’s warm touches. Sofia and Ona had a good relationship before the crying started, and you were just now able to put two pieces together. You sat down Sofia on the floor as you stood up and looked at Ona. Ona gulped as the toddler was stumbling towards her terrified of what would happen and her hand instinctively reached for the door. “Ona, stay.” You commanded as your daughter made her way towards Ona. She reached her front and stood at Ona’s legs trying to be picked up as she cried. Her little arms reaching up to Ona as she wanted to be close. “Mami,mami!” She yelled as Ona closed her eyes and took a breath while once again, looking like she was about to break down. She took a step a side causing your daughter to fall on her butt making her cry even louder. “She wants you” Ona said as she ushered towards the staircase and your master bedroom. You sighted as you picked up Sofia, and just as you were about to try and soothe her; you decided that it was time to try something new.

You walked after Ona with the screaming baby in your arms. Ona was sitting on the bed, her face in her hands while she was sobbing. Sofia stopped crying as she looked nervously at you. “Mami” she said as she pointed towards Ona. “Si princesa, estas mami, Mami is feeling sad. Maybe you wanna give her a cuddle, si?” You said as you slowly moved towards Ona scared that she was gonna leave again. You sat down next to her on the bed as your daughter sobbed. “Ona, what does Sofia call me?” You asked as Sofia sobbed in your arms. “Mamma” Ona responded still with her face hidden. “Si, and what is she saying?” You asked as you tried to console Ona. “Mamma” Ona said as she looked up at you, eyes red from crying. Just as you were about to continue your rambles, Sofia reached her arms for Ona and got out of your grip leaving her to bolt at Ona. “Mami, Mami” she cried as she grabbed the fabric of Ona’s sweater tightly, like she was scared that she would leave again. “She’s saying Mami” you said as you looked at Ona who wasn’t able to put the pieces of the puzzle together even thought you were basically giving her all the clues. “Mami” Sofia muttered as she frowned and sat down on her butt after not getting any attention. Ona’s eyes lit up as it finally clicked. She looked down at Sofia and instantly grabbed the little girl holding her close like she did when she was a baby. Sofia’s big blue eyes met Ona’s and a small smile formed on her face as she closed her eyes and relaxed. “Ona, she wants you. That’s why she’s crying. She wants her mami.” You said as you rubbed Ona’s back. You could see tears forming in Ona’s eyes as she studied the little girl suddenly seeing how eyes were icy blue, just the the most beautiful glacier she had ever seen. How her skin felt like the most expensive silk she had ever touched. Her finger traced her noce as she saw the little ski jump nose already making its mark on her face. The roses in her cheeks making her look so vulnerable. “Baby, mami’s here. Mami is so so sorry, but Mami is here now. Mami is never gonna disappoint you again, princesa. Mami is gonna get better, for you and for mamma.” She said as Sofia’s body finally relaxed and drifted off to sleep. You looked at Ona who looked like she had just discovered oil. She looked over at you as tears were forming in her eyes. “I’m sorry, mi amor. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m gonna take the week off, and we can have time together as a family. I haven’t been the best mami, but I’m gonna try to figure this out for you, for us. I’m sorry for diss-“ you cut her off with a kiss knowing this was finally it. Ona was finally ready to try to connect with her daughter again.

[collectivecloseness]

Okay but can you do 25) that’s where all my clothes went but Steve saying it about his reader the girlfriend, and his and your best friend Robin??

Yes because I absolutely respect also loving brotp stobin with /reader for one or both of them haha, I love that dynamic! And absolutely a hc of my own too that Robin occasionally steals Steve’s clothes, as well as his partner doing so lmao

Prompt: 25) that’s where all my clothes went

Steve Harrington x reader, Robin Buckley & reader

You walked into family video at around midday, knowing Steve and Robin’s shift would be starting any minute.

When you entered the store only Robin was there, who lit up as soon as she saw it was only you, bouncing towards you before she encased you in a hug, one you eagerly returned as you took in the perfume you got her for her birthday.

“Thank God it’s you. The second I put my badge on and a customer walks in, I feel like my whole day is cursed.” Robin laughed into your shoulder, before pulling back with a smile, both of you still holding onto’s each other’s arms.

“Well thank God then. Can’t have your day being cursed. You’re riding in the same car as me when Steve takes us to the movie theatre later, I don’t wanna be collateral damage.” You joke, Robin lightly brushing your shoulder as she backed up a step closer to the tape rack. “And you don’t want me to be cursed?”

“Hmm, that too.” You agree, both of you laughing through your noses, before you sighed at the tapes that were definitely on the wrong shelves. A Nightmare On Elm Street was definitely not ‘kindergarten & under friendly!’

It only took you a second however, now you’d pulled away from Robin, to notice the dark blue shirt she was wearing, accompanied by some dangly bracelets and a black pair of ripped jeans. “Is that’s Steve’s shirt? Or is another one you both accidentally bought?” You asked good naturedly, remembering the time they both showed up to Nancy’s party in the same sports crop top.

Robin sighed, pinching the material and pulling it out from her stomach. “Yeah, I didn’t like any of my clean clothes today.”

You both nodded together, knowing the feeling.

It was a normal thing for both of you to steal from Steve’s wardrobe. You were both over at his all the time, sometimes hanging out there when Steve wasn’t even in.

One day Steve had left bed early to drive Dustin somewhere, but you were still lounging about in his sheets. You heard someone using the front door key, and Robin bounded into the bedroom, only giving you a slightly too ealry in the morning but still cheery “Oh hey!” as you tried to at least put a bra on under the sheets.

Robin had been swiping all of Steve’s jackets on a rack to the side one by one, and when you had last nights bra and Steve’s basketball shorts on, you joined her side, asking “anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“Yeah. His brown jacket, you know the fake leather one? I’ve just got a new bunch of shit and I need to see if it fits these tops that pretty much will only go with that.”

You found it in a small pile and handed it to Robin, used to her raiding Steve’s closet before, and she knew you did the exact same thing. Occasionally with Steve in the room, where you both promised to give it back. Although now, you knew you weren’t the only one to use Steve’s gifted house keys to your advantage.

Now though, in family video, you took in the top Robin was wearing, feeling the material by stroking the sleeves on her bicep, and nodding knowing the answer to your internal question.

“Oh yeah. I wore that one yesterday.” You kept nodding. It was a good shirt. Very fashionable, and unisex. Not that shirts had genders.

Robin blinked, although wasn’t really surprised, looking down at it “Oh really?” She lifted the collar, giving it a small sniff test. “Well at least you smell good. It was on his clean pile.”

“Yeah I put it there last night, I only wore it for a couple of hours when we went shopping.”

“Probably for more clothes. Poor Steve.” Robin pulled a dramatic face at you, woeing for him, and you both shared another laugh. Helping Robin in her duties as you took three copies of Friday The 13th, and four of The Exorcist and helped move it to the horror section.

“I mean, I’m wearing his top and his pants today. Not my fault I can convince him to get pants that comfortably fit both of us.” You gestured down to your outfit, Robin giving it a quick applause in appreciation.

“Yeah” Robin started “Have you noticed he wears this one to work a lot?” She nodded down to ‘her’ shirt, flattening it with a brush of her hand. You weren’t even surprised at how well Steve’s clothes fit you or Robin anymore sometimes. Almost like he wanted you both to steal them, you could argue.

“I think he thinks this one is more ‘professional’ or something.” Robin gave air quotes at the word, rolling her eyes and smiling at you before returning to the task at hand.

You pull it a little from her waist, Robin of course doesn’t care, as you rub the hem of it between your fingers. It really did seem like a good material. “Well do you think he was gonna wear it today?” You asked, only for Robin to give an uncaring shrug at you.

That’s when Steve ran through the door, a good twelve minutes late to his shift.

Luckily his face went from panic and trying to keep the door from flying off its hinges, to a relaxed puff of air flowing from his cheeks, as he realised it was only you and Robin in the store, no Keith.

“Well thank God for that.”

“God’s getting a lot of thanks today.” Robin noted, leaving the tapes for Steve to sort as she went to lean against the counter. There was a really good spot the sun shone through at midday, and Robin rolled her head and relaxed into it like a cat.

“Yeah, that’s probably why so many people are avoiding curses.” You noted as you walked up to Steve.

“Amen!” Robin called with a finger out to you, eyes still closed, as you came and bundled Steve’s sweater up in your hands, leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

“What?” Steve said quietly, a lost look in his puppy dog eyes as he looked between his girlfriend and his best friend.

You and Robin both just chuckled, and you used his sweater to pull him in for another kiss. One Steve smiled against, even if he wasn’t quite in on your antics of the day. Giving just a quiet and happy moan, simply because he was happy to be giving you your first kiss of the day.

It was only when you leaned back, Steve still smiling hooded at you, slightly licking his lips, that you looked at the darker colour between your hands. And as you took a step back, still holding him like he owed you money, you were just a tad surprised. “Is that my sweater?”

Even Robin looked up now, peering her head aorund to catch a glimpse.

“Yeah babe. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t find anything work suitable left for today.” Steve relayed, his hand rubbing the back of your neck, still there from when he’d been kissing you. You could tell it was from a drawer you left at Steve’s house, for when you didn’t pack for an unplanned ‘sleepover’.

Steve still felt comfortable in it though at least. Even if he was late with the chaos of tearing his bedroom apart. “I swear my laundry machine eats my-“

Steve stopped as you gestured smiling apologetically down at your shirt... and at your pants. And when you looked over at Robin, Steve followed your trail. Watching her cheerily wave, before he realised what she was wearing too.

He fell back on his feet, an amused smile on his face. “Oh. That’s where all my clothes went.” He bemused, unable to even sound chiding.

And even though you kissed his cheek in ‘apology’, you knew he loved the easy going and close friendships and relationships he had with you and Robin. And the others, because Eddie definitely stole that sports crop top from Steve after that party, because you remember chucking it out a window at him. You knew Steve loved his little family, even if you punked him sometimes like this.

“Well I’m eventually gonna give it back.” You rolled your eyes dramatically, pulling on ‘his’ sweater sweetly, as Robin called out “I’m not!”

Steve only wrapped his arm around your neck, kissing the shell of your ear. “It’s fine. It looks better on you than it does me. Although Robin could use a little help.”

“Dingus!” Robin called out, letting her middle finger stretch far.

Steve only retuned his half heartedly, before shaking his head at both of you. Getting his attention drawn back as your fingers graced his toned chest. “Just don’t get any badge holes in it Stevie. They look awful in that sweater.”

[spark-my-nature]

Screen Time - JMK

Hi friends! It snowed a whole bunch last night and I'm feeling cozy, and I finally had some time to write again. As usual, this idea came from a conversation with the lovely @gretavanblunt, my muse, my inspiration, my platonic soulmate, go read their writing too!

Summary: Getting naughty with your boyfriend, cyber-style.

Words: 4.4K

Warnings: Masturbation, sending nudes, explicit texting, phone sex/FaceTime sex, swearing

Steam obscured your view of yourself in the mirror as you toweled off after your shower. Your slightly wrinkled fingertips swiped at your phone to pause the shower playlist you’d had shuffling as background noise, then haphazardly swiping your hand across the condensation to watch yourself blurrily applying your moisturizer. You were that much more relaxed this evening without the presence of your roommate, her parents having her back home for the week. 

You liberally rubbed lotion into your silky soft legs, freshly shaved in your extra-pampering shower. You always treated yourself to a little extra care during the first shower after your period ended, and this one was an extra special one. You unconsciously smiled to yourself as your mind drifted to the gorgeous guy from your film history class you’d been seeing the last while, the adorable curly headed golden retriever of a boy called Josh. He was easily the most beautiful man you’d ever laid eyes on, to the point you couldn’t believe he wasn’t a figment of your imagination. And so far he’d been the perfect gentleman, taking you on cute little dates to the park or the bowling alley, holding your hand during walks and stooping down to pick flowers for your hair. Plus, he constantly had you in stitches, his dry sense of humor perfectly allotting with your own. 

Needless to say, you were rabid for him. 

A soft ting from your phone alerted you to a text message. Speak of the devil, you thought, unlocking your phone and smiling at the message from Josh. 

Hi pretty girl :) Just got back from rehearsal, whatcha doin?

You typed back quickly, leaving your phone open on the counter as you brushed through your hair. 

Hiya handsome ;) just got out of the shower haha

You giggled watching the typing bubbles appear and disappear several times, knowing exactly where his mind was. He was a boy after all, a very flirtatious one too. 

Oh yeah? You miss me as much as I miss you?

You slowly smirked. He was testing the waters, feeling out what kind of mood you were in, but he was tasteful and sweet as always. 

You walked to your bedroom, still wrapped in your towel as you texted him back. 

Hmmm, idk, how much did you miss me baby? ;)

You bit your lip, setting your phone on the edge of your bed and walking over to grab some fresh undies and a sleep shirt. Picking out a cute but comfortable pair and your softest tee, you took them over and laid them on the bed before your eyes caught on the screen. 

So much. Wish you were here with me…

Your heart fluttered at the message. He was giving you the power to steer the conversation. You could easily guide it down a sweet path, gushing over how much you missed his cuddles and his smile and leave it at that. But he’d left the door open for you to be a little naughty as well, and what was life without a little excitement?

You quickly answered his message.

Me too, so many things we could do ;)

You giggled softly to yourself, crossing your legs as you sat down, the towel still tucked around your chest. You pictured Josh’s excited panic on the other side of the phone, wondering if the conversation rousing the same butterflies in him as it was in you. 

Another faint buzz in your hand drew your attention back to the screen. 

What kind of things did you have in mind sweet girl? 

You typed back quickly.

Not sure you’d still think I’m sweet if I told you. 

If you were here, I’d see for myself how sweet you are. 

Your jaw opened a little reading that one, his answer immediate. Smooth fucker. You bit your lip as you answered. 

What if I want a taste too?

You held your breath, nervous excitement fluttering in your stomach, watching his typing bubbles reappear and disappear again. No doubt he was deleting every message he started to type, second guessing himself. Finally, the soft buzz accompanied his message.

Naughty girl. I bet you look absolutely divine right now, fresh out of the shower. Are you dressed?

You shifted, pressing your thighs together, suddenly hyper aware of your nakedness under the towel. You looked down, an idea popping into your head as you smirked and let the towel fall around your hips on the bed. 

No need for clothes, my roommate’s out for the night. What about you?

Imagining Josh naked was certainly a welcome train of thought. You pictured him sprawled on his bed, his cock resting against his stomach and twitching from neglect as he typed. 

I’m a naturalist at heart, sweet girl. No need for clothes in bed, anyway, don’t you think?

You smirked at that. You contemplated the little camera icon beside the text box. There was something clumsy about sending pictures through text, though. Snapchat however, was built for a reason. 

You swiped away, opening the little yellow ghost app instead. You found Josh’s contact, double tapping and setting the phone down for a second. You wrapped the towel back around yourself, laying back on the bed with your head on the pillow. You found a good angle, biting your lip and holding the tuck of the towel against your breast, your cleavage dangerously exposed. Quickly snapping the picture, you tapped to add the message, “towels don’t count as clothes, do they?”

Aaaaand, send. You sat up again, watching the screen closely. Josh opened it after about ten seconds, making you giggle. If you knew him at all, you knew he was probably flustered as hell right now. This was brand new for you two, thrilling new territory. 

After a moment or two, a little red square replaced the hollow red triangle beside his name. You took a deep breath, not sure what to expect. Tapping it opened a picture of Josh laid out on his bed, his skin looking gorgeously tan against his cream coloured sheets. His entire chest was visible, clearly naked, his blankets draped over his groin low enough that you could trace the muscular V-shaped indents of his hips. His pink lips were parted sinfully, allowing a small glimpse at the adorable gap between his front teeth, and the picture cut off just above the tip of his button nose. 

The message read, ���Neither do bedsheets.”

It was sinful how gorgeous he was, and he hadn’t even shown you anything explicit. 

You pondered what next, wanting to tease him a little more. Rolling onto your stomach, you let the towel fall away completely. Your breasts pressed against your bedspread, accentuating your cleavage, and your hair framed your face in damp tendrils. You gave your best fuck-me-eyes, taking the shot and adding the caption, “Best to just lose them both, I think.”

Josh opened it in four seconds this time, which you barked a laugh at. You found his eagerness adorable, and you loved knowing he was waiting with the app open in anticipation just like you. You had his full attention. 

He took a couple of minutes to answer, and your mind raced at the possible implications of the delay. 

Finally, his reply came. You made yourself wait at least a few seconds before opening it, but dear god, you weren’t prepared for it. 

He had used the light coming in from his window to backlight the shot, in which he held his thin white sheet vertically across his body. It was a side angle, and the soft light casted a perfect shadow of his very erect, very large cock through the sheet. The perfect silhouette of it made your mouth water, not to mention the rather beautiful and artistic photograph technique. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from his perfectly arched length, standing straight up at attention behind the sheet’s cover. God, he was gorgeously shaped, not scarily large, but bigger than average, and you could just make out the soft ridge around his tip. 

Finally glancing at the message, you read, “Two can play the teasing game, mama.”

Cocky little shit. 

You sat up, cross legged, and carefully arranged your damp hair to drape over and cover your nipples. It was just long enough to rest over them, stopping just underneath so most of your breasts were exposed, and you gently hugged yourself around your middle as you took the picture, squeezing your tits together in the process. You gave a naughty smirk to the camera, a few strands of hair falling over your face in that effortlessly sexy way you knew he loved. The shot cut off at your waist, denying him the viewing pleasure of anything below your bellybutton. 

“You learn those photography skills in class Joshy? I’m impressed.”

Your heart fluttered excitedly as Josh opened it, wishing desperately you could see his face.

Then it felt like your heart stopped dead for a few seconds. A purple square appeared beside his name. A video. He sent a video. 

You shamelessly opened it immediately this time, too impatient to hold on. 

His perfect pouty lips were pulled into a smug smile, flushed and swollen from biting no doubt, and the angle only showed down to his stomach. But good lord, you watched as his abs clenched rhythmically, and his breath hitched, and then he let out a soft needy-sounding moan from between those perfect lips, his fluffy brows tilted upwards in the middle of his forehead. He pulled his bottom lip under his teeth just as the video ended, and you were left gaping at the screen.

He left no doubt as to what was happening just under the cut of that clip. His moan… your head was reeling, and all of a sudden, the heat was cranked up to eleven. Then a little blue notification popped up beside his name. Opening the message, you nearly moaned yourself. 

“Facetime?”

The thudding in your heart tripled, but in the best way. Feeling a rush of adrenaline, you quickly closed snapchat, opening facetime instead. You quickly laid on your back, climbing under the sheets, draping them lowly across your chest to barely cover your nipples. Your finger combed your hair back into place and hit Josh’s contact. 

After a few nervewracking rings, he answered the call, the screen lighting up with his sweet, boyish face, his cheeks unusually flushed.

“Hey there, baby,” you flirted, smiling mischievously. Josh’s eyes immediately dipped down his screen quickly, returning to their previous fixation as he swallowed, his breath noticeably picked up from its usual rhythm. 

“Hey mama, you look absolutely beautiful tonight,” his voice smooth and a touch deeper than normal. Breathier, too. 

You smiled wider, blushing and shrugging one shoulder, drawing his attention back down to your chest. You wanted his eyes there, you felt on fire as he drank you in like fine wine. 

“And you… you look devastatingly gorgeous, Josh,” you told him softly, a raspy edge coloring your voice. You let your eyes wander down his torso as far as the camera showed you, just grazing his belly button. 

Josh smirked lazily, his tongue peeking out to wet his bottom lip, and then you noticed the faint movement of his right arm, just barely within the shot. 

“You know, you’re being an awful tease, tonight, honey,” he told you, matter-of-factly. 

You bit your lip, flashing him your best innocent doe-eyes. “I’m sorry baby, what did I do?” you breathed, subtly bringing your knees up and using your legs to tug the sheet down an inch or two, and the sheet slipped down past your breasts. Your peaked nipples hardened further at the cool air, exposed to Josh’s gaze. 

Josh’s eyes widened, his lips parting with a rushed exhale. His right arm tensed, subtly moving faster. 

“Oh my god…” he muttered, sounding painfully out of breath. His brows knit and you watched his eyes flicker slightly from side to side where they were transfixed lower on his screen. You felt a rush of arousal gathering in your core under his mesmerized gaze. “You’re so beautiful, sweetheart, mm-“ His words were cut off by the hitch in his breath, his eyes fluttering shut for a second from what you assumed was a particularly nice tug on his cock, still out of view. 

You whimpered softly, squeezing your boobs together as his eyes returned to them. Your free hand trailed up to cup and squeeze at your breast, watching Josh’s jaw drop slightly. “Can I… can I see?” you whispered shyly, dipping your eyes suggestively. 

Josh swallowed hard, nodding softly after a second, and the camera panned down his body, and oh fuck-

His hand was wrapped tightly around his gorgeous cock, lazily pumping it in his fist. You let out a soft whine of desire, watching the movement of his hand, drinking it all in, his soft dusting of pubic hair, his balls drawing tighter to him every once and a while, his perfectly lean, muscular thighs clenching. 

The camera shook unsteadily in Josh’s shaky hand, and he huffed slightly, his adorable boyish nature peeking through in the petulant noise. You bit your lip, waiting as he readjusted, the bed creaking through the speakers. 

Josh shifted, sitting up and leaning back against his headboard, propping his phone against a pillow. You now had a near full body view of him, the angle giving the perspective as though you were laying on your stomach in front of him, a very welcome point of view that you’d love to experience for real. 

“Fuck, Josh…” you sighed, chewing your lip in want. 

He smirked breathlessly down at you through the screen, “You like this better, sweet girl?”

You nodded, in a trance as you watched him jerk himself. 

He hissed quietly, continuing, “Yeah?” he swallowed, “’M so hard, all for you, mama, want you so bad,” he confessed, his desire leaking into his tone. 

You snuck a hand down absently, desperate to relieve the ache between your legs. Josh noticed the movement, letting out a soft whimper. “You touching yourself too?” 

You nodded slowly, circling your finger around your clit, spreading your wetness through your folds. “Yeah babe… you’re so hot, I can’t- I had to.” 

Josh’s hips bucked slightly into his hand, you noticed his fist tightening too. “Naughty girl… so jealous, wish it was my fingers.”

Your eyes tore away from his now leaking cock to see his face, twisted in desire. With a surge of confidence, you confessed, “If you were here, I’d want so much more than your fingers.”

Josh’s face looked up at yours at that, surprise mixing with lustful adoration, making your heart flutter. “What else would you want, mama?” 

You whimpered, “mm, Josh please…” your fingers circled your clit faster, already so worked up from the buildup. 

Josh’s head lolled back, exposing his flawless arched neck until he focused back on his phone screen. “Fuck, you say my name so nice like that,” he sighed shakily. He swallowed, his face becoming almost nervous. “Do you think… can I watch too?” 

You blushed, but you wanted it badly. You wanted his eyes on you, on your most intimate part of your body. You wanted him to see you. You also wanted to tease him a little more, first. 

“Watch what, Joshy?” you asked innocently, suppressing a smirk.

His eyes drug up your form to your face. “You know what, little tease.” His tone was dark, but his ever-expressive face gave away the playful meaning behind his words. 

You bit your lip, leaning forward into the camera slightly. “Maybe I wanna hear you beg me.” You blushed at your own boldness, but Josh’s frustrated whine made it worth it. 

He sighed, brows knit as he licked his lips. “Please, honey, show me that pretty pussy, I need it so bad,” he whispered raggedly, sounding so genuinely needy that you felt another wave of heat rushing down your body. 

“Mmm… good boy,” you smirked. Josh’s eyes squeezed shut quickly at your words, grunting softly. Interesting. 

Carefully, you sat up, propping your phone on a throw pillow the same way he did. You saw him bite his lip hard at the motion of your chest swaying in front of the camera, a quiet muffled groan sounding faintly from the speakers. Sitting back and leaning against the head board, you kept your knees closed teasingly, curling your legs to the side.

Giving him a playful smirk, you traced your fingertips up your shins and over your knees, running your hand over your thigh and your ass seductively. Josh’s eyes followed the movement closely, a short grunt huffing out of him. “You look fucking stunning, mama,” he struggled, relaxing further to his side, the angle change giving you a gorgeous side view of him as he pumped himself harder. “Can you open your legs for me? …p-please?” he added shyly.

You slid your fingers back down, letting them slip between your thighs out of his sight, a high pitched sigh released from your throat. You looked down at Josh, biting your lip hard as you watched his hand working himself. You wedged your hand into your slick folds, running your fingers up and down your wetness. “Josh…” you whispered breathily, drawing out his torture as long as you could, bringing your other hand up to cup and squeeze your breast. You were perhaps exaggerating your little show a little, but it was to your benefit just as much as his. His unwavering hungry gaze was making you feel sexier than you’d ever felt before, knowing how badly he wanted you. 

Josh whimpered through the speakers, “…please…” a quiet desperate noise that you didn’t think he meant to release, but the sound flooded your lower half with heat.

“I wish you were with me so fucking bad, Joshy.”

Josh groaned softly, “Talk to me, pretty girl, what would we be doing?” His lazy smirk reappeared at his request, and you returned it, albeit slightly shyer. “You never answered my question.”

Your fingers slipped quicker through your folds as you answered, “Wanna taste you, want you in my mouth.”

Josh’s sharp intake of breath made your confidence soar, and you continued, “I’d suck you until you cum down my throat, til you beg me to stop.”

Josh’s jaw fell open as his brows knit tightly together. “Oh fuck-“ his breath hitched, his fist flying up and down his length now, and you watched hungrily as his other hand slid down from his abs to fondle his balls. Then his glazed over eyes refocused on your form, your hand still hidden behind your thigh. He licked his lips tentatively, and you figured he earned it, being so patient.

Josh breathed, “God, please… let me watch you. All of you,” his voice shaking endearingly. Your heart warmed from the care in his voice, not wanting to coerce you into anything you didn’t want to give him, despite his desperation. 

You held eye contact (camera contact?) with him as you smiled reassuringly, your eyes twinkling mischievously. “Mmm, yeah? You wanna see that bad, huh?” you teased breathily, lifting your leg teasingly. 

Josh nodded quickly, “Need you, I wanna watch that sweet pussy dripping, wanna see you cum, please baby,” he begged, his thumb swiping over his tip causing a sharp gaspy moan, “fuck I need you so bad.” He barely sounded lucid anymore through his desperation.

You moaned softly, rubbing over your clit once more before bring the knee closest to your phone over and letting your legs part, spread open to his full view. 

Josh let out a feral sounding groan, and you caught the faint reflection of sweat beading on his forehead. He bucked into his hand, his mouth hanging open now. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, god, you’re so fucking perfect, so beautiful,” he babbled, his voice strained and breathy as he fucked into his hand. 

You brought both of your hands down, spreading your pussy open further with one set of fingers, using your middle finger of your other hand to tease and gently circle your clit. 

Your boyfriend’s broken cry told you he was more than enjoying the show. “You’re so fucking hot, I’ve never wanted anything this bad in my fucking life,” he whined, “Jesus christ I want to fuck you until my body just gives out.” 

You moaned, tossing your head back and rolling your hips as you ground into your fingers. “Fuck Josh, want you so bad, wanna ride your cock, want to sit on your face, I want it all,” you rushed through your panting. 

Josh suddenly gasped, “Oh my god, I’m so close, mama, ohhh, ‘m gonna cum.”

You nodded furiously, your mouth watering at the thought of watching him completely coming undone. “Yes, baby, cum for me, please, cum,” you begged him. You watched in complete awe as Josh spit quickly down on his own cock, spreading the lubrication with his fist never slowing down. His constant stream of raspy, fucked out moans got more and more choked and breathless, his glistening cock twitching in his hand. 

His eyes never left your body, zeroed in with razor focus on your fingers flicking furiously across your clit in a blur. Your orgasm was quickly building too, the fire burning as white-hot as the desire between the both of you. You quickly sunk two fingers of your other hand into your sopping wet entrance, fucking yourself in rhythm with your other hand’s rubbing. You were positive Josh could hear the lewd wet noises sounding from between your legs, but apparently the sight of your fingers flying in and out of your tight hole was enough to send him over the edge. 

He let out a choked groan, his head falling forward as his fist’s blurred motion picked up even more, seemingly unable to get enough friction to satisfy the aching need under his fingers. You moaned loudly, watching him buck into his hand erratically, his brows knit as ropes of white cum spurted from the purplish head of his cock. He let out an animalistic cry of your name as his body quaked from the force of his orgasm. His eyes blinked in and out of focus as he started to come down, trying hard to keep his gaze on your body, not wanting to miss you following shortly after. 

Watching him cum could’ve stopped your heart, it was so indescribably erotic. You pictured yourself licking up the warm results of his orgasm from his soft tummy, riding his thigh, and you pictured fucking your hips against his hot wet tongue, and you were a goner too. Furiously spasming around your fingers, you felt a small surge of wetness trickling down your thigh. You clenched through the most intense waves of pleasure you’d felt in ages, crying out as you rode your fingers, abusing your poor clit through your orgasm. “Jooosh, shit shit shit, yes,” you sobbed helplessly, coming down from your peak slowly, shockwaves of pleasure still lighting up your nerves.

Your eyes fluttered open as you relaxed, withdrawing your fingers as your chest heaved, setting into your afterglow. You picked up your phone and focused your eyes on Josh with a lazy, bashful smile. He was catching his breath too, returning your hazy grin and wiping his forehead. “Wow,” he chuckled breathlessly. 

You giggled, tugging the sheet up under your armpits and nestling back into your bed. “Wow is right…” 

He smiled wider, sitting up and throwing his sheets off his legs. You blushed slightly, catching his softening cock as he stood and raised the camera back up. You watched the background of his room moving away after he pulled a pair of sweatpants on. He leaned into the camera, lips puckered as he blew you a kiss through the screen. You giggled, “What’re you doing now, babe?” 

He looked down at you, the most lovesick puppy eyed smile you’d ever seen, instantly melting your heart all over again. “Coming to see you, pretty girl.”

Your jaw dropped, and he set the phone on his table. You recognized the ceiling of his entryway, and you heard the zip of his jacket, and the thudding of his shoes as he pulled them on. “Wh- now? You’re actually coming over?” your question raised in pitch but soft, unable to believe his sweetness.

Josh picked up his phone, smiling that gap-toothed boyish smile that made it impossible not to fall for him. “Of course. I want cuddles,” he giggled.

You smiled wide, giddy with love and excitement, “…me too,” you whispered. 

“See you soon, sweet girl, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he winked with a click of his tongue, shooting you a finger gun through the screen. 

You giggled rolling your eyes, “See you soon, dork, I lo-“ 

Josh’s eyes widened as you cut yourself off, face paling at your slip-up. You just swallowed, looking at him uncertainly. His face broke out in a wide smile, and he held his phone up closer to his face. “Say it,” he asked softly. 

You picked at your finger nervously, examining his face for any trace of disingenuity. Finding only pure love and hopefulness, you said quietly, “I love you, Josh.” 

Then Josh’s smile widened impossibly, cracking his face in two, and he spun around. He actually spun in a circle, the screen making you feel dizzy. He sighed deeply, running his hand through his mess of curls. “I love you too, I love you, I love you so much,” he giggled at your beaming smile that you tried to hide in your pillow. Your muffled giggle of joy gave you away, and he said softly, “look at me.”

You glanced up at him shyly, and he cocked his head. “I’ll be there before you can blink, and I’m gonna tell you again when I’m there- no, I’m gonna show you. Nah, actually, I’ll do both,” he rambled excitedly as his door opened. His keys jangled and he once again brought his lips to the camera, making smooching noises that made you giggle and shake your head. “My pretty girl. Love you, see you soon,” he cooed, climbing into his car. 

“Love you too, Joshy,” you told him softly, “see you soon baby.” 

[miscfandomgifimagines]

Hey! Can I request Recom lyle wainfleet x shy!reader pls? I love you!! <3

I didn’t think I would be doing requests since I’m pretty busy with school and my small business but this was adorable and I couldn’t resist so thank you anon! I really feel like Lyle would be be pretty chill around a shy person but I also feel like the more he gets to know them he would be into teasing them a bit more. I hope you enjoy! ( ^-^)/💕

Lyle Wainfleet X Shy! Human Reader

* You were hoping to get the chance to work on Pandora as a scientist but when you found out what your job entailed you got really nervous. Your main job would be to oversee the recombinant team and make sure their mission went smoothly. This involved a lot of one on one interaction with a bunch of marines... Yeah. You were *so* nervous you might have lost sleep over it. You had very limited experience with soldiers and you knew that they were often rough around the edges to say the least.

* You were determined to make the best of the situation, even if you had a million what-ifs running through your head. Your first day on the job was waking up the recoms. For safety purposes, you could only wake two at a time so if anything malfunctioned or they had issues you could correct the problem before risking any of the other bodies. Round one was Mansk and Lyle who both woke up a little confused but were pretty easily managed.

* You introduced yourself quietly and found making eye contact was harder than you imagined so you focus on your clipboard.

* "I am y/n, I am part of the science crew that you'll be working with. My job is to make sure your bodies are functioning as they should and treating any injuries you may face." You glance up at the two marines and realized just how big they were. You were already kind of short but hanging around with giants really sent it home.

* Mansk nodded his head and started his reflex testing with one of your colleagues. Lyle however sat down on the nearest surface and stared at his huge hands. He looks over at you with big eyes and a twinge of worry in his voice. "Doc, what... Why? What happened?" His confusion actually calmed you down a bit and made him seem less intimidating.

* "I know this is umm what's the word... Jolting?" You fumble for words as Lyle peeps up. "Freaky is more like it." You were a bit hesitant to keep talking so you gripped your board tighter and cleared your throat. You made yourself look into his eyes and tried your best to be comforting.

* "I suppose that's a way of phrasing it too. Um... How much of your last life do you remember?" You realized quickly that was a personal question and followed it with a rushed, " Don't feel like you have to tell me any details, but sometimes it takes a little while for memories to come back after first waking up." Lyle looks at you and rubs his hand on the back of his neck, looking mildly stressed out.

* You don't know what made you do it but you offered your hand out for him to take. He pauses for a minute but places his hand in your small one. At first, he brushes his fingertips against your palm and when you didn't pull back he slowly put his whole hand in yours. His yellow eyes are watching you and suddenly you feel a bit silly.

* It was like your mouth stopped functioning properly and you try to choke out a sentence to make the silence less intense. "Umm, just so you know I'm here for you." It sounded sappier out loud than you thought it would and mentally cringed a bit. Lyle didn't say anything but squeezed your hand and gave you a nod. He seemed to be at a loss for words too.

* "I have a copy of all your previous video logs leading up to the... um... you know" You motion your other hand awkwardly in the air, not wanting to mention his death so soon after waking him up. "So if you want to see any of them or access your personal belongings they're in my office. You're welcome to visit anytime... As I said, I'm here for you." You flash a small smile in hopes of cheering him up a bit. It seems to work because he takes a deep breath and removes his hand slowly.

* "So what now Doc?" Your face got hotter as he leaned forward into your personal space. You stumbled over your response a bit, "I'm not really a doctor, I just do um sciencey stuff. As for what you're going to do next. You'll be working with Marq over there and he'll lead you through some exercises to see how well your body is doing. And hopefully, after that, you'll be able to get some food and rest." You trail off a bit at the end of your sentence but add some more soft words.

* "The first day is the hardest, so just take it easy tonight okay?" You move backward and you feel your heart race a bit as Lyle continues to stare at you even after you've broken eye contact with him. When he stands up you move out of his way quickly and do your best not to trip over your feet. When he reaches Marq he looks back at you and you give an encouraging thumbs up.

* Lyle does what he's told for the rest of the day and relaxes as much as he can in his new freakishly large body. His mind keeps running back to you and your quiet words. Being a marine he's pretty used to being barked orders and following them with no questions. He was terrified when he woke up but the longer he was awake his memories trickled back in. He didn't realize how much he needed someone to be soft with him at that moment but was ever grateful you took the time to comfort him when many others would have ignored him.

* At lights out he can't sleep and starts wandering the halls, going back to the science lab he met you in earlier. You were probably asleep but Lyle was hoping that you were there and he could spend some more time with you. He trails along slowly and gets lost in his thoughts when he almost runs face-first into a doorway.

* He felt a sharp tug on his pant leg and stopped suddenly, turning his head around to see what had touched him. It was y/n from earlier. She was dressed in casual clothes and carrying a mug of what smelled like hot chocolate. She had a worried look on her face and she suddenly let go of his pants as if he was on fire.

* "I um, you... You uh were going to hit your head" She points to the doorway about a foot away from his face. It was his turn to feel silly this time. "Well it's good you caught me when you did then. I didn't even see it, my mind was elsewhere you know?" He felt like smacking his face with his hand in embarrassment but held back.

* Y/n shifted her feet a little and glanced at the floor. "Couldn't sleep?" The words were so quiet he almost didn't catch them. He couldn't think of anything to say other than "Pretty much. You said you had some of my stuff?" She glanced up and nodded and then motioned with her hand to follow her. "Yeah I do, let's go to my office."

* Lyle walked slowly behind her in hopes that he could spend more time with her. The base was a big place and he still managed to feel claustrophobic. When you were with him it didn't feel so bad. You might not have much to say to him outside of work-related stuff but Lyle was happy with any conversation because it meant he didn't have to be alone in his thoughts.

* When you got to your office door you fumbled with your keys and dropped them. Before you could lean down Lyle had his hand on your shoulder and stooped down to pick them up for you. Your face felt hot again and he made your heart rate pick up. His big hands were slow and gentle as he placed your keys back in your hand. "I didn't want you to spill your drink. Here." You take the keys and hold them firmly this time to not let them slip through your hands. You unlock the door and walk in, making sure to remind Lyle of the height of the doorway.

* "Just watch your head okay, I don't want you to hurt yourself. The new height is going to take some getting used to." Lyle was grateful for the reminder and ducked his head carefully. He watched as you hurried around your desk and set your drink down. "So I didn't personally collect your things, if something is missing please let me know and I'll do my best to find it for you. The cleaners were under strict orders not to throw anything out."

* You placed a box on your desk and waved Lyle closer. He took a peak inside and looked over what belongings he had left behind. A couple of magazines (thankfully nothing dirty he thought as he snuck another glance at y/n). There were some clothes, his dog tags, a jar of protein powder, and his wallet. Nothing of particular importance to him now that he was in a new body. He picked up the small leather wallet and opened it to see his driver's license. His hand started to tremble and he felt his anxiety spike again.

* He was never going to be human again. He was never going to drive his car, wear his clothes, or do anything "normal" ever again. His mission was the only thing that mattered now and his breathing hitched. Y/n could only watch as Lyle's face distorted into a panicky expression.

* You weren't one to normally touch people you didn't know very well but you wanted to do something to comfort him. So you walked to his side and put your hand on his lower back and reached up with your other one to grab the wallet out of his hand. You seemed to have startled him from his trance and his arm jerked away from you involuntarily. You step back and start apologizing profusely.

* "I'm sorry I shouldn't have-" Lyle brings his hand back and grabs your hand gently. "No, you're fine... I just... Thank you for pulling me out of my thoughts again. It's just-" You grasp his hand back and interrupt him for a change. "Just going to take some getting used to. You don't have to explain yourself but I do want you to know that we have a trauma counselor available. I think it would be a good resource for you and maybe some of the others." You pause and when he doesn't reject the idea you continue quietly. " I just know that when things happen that way, it can be nice to talk to someone about it."

* You remove your other hand from his back and put it over his blue one, sandwiching him between your tiny palms. "I want you to know... I am also here. I know I keep saying it but it's just... I guess." You shake your head frustrated and unable to find the right way to word your intentions.

* Lyle throws his wallet back in the box and kneels down in front of you, his hand still entrapped in yours. He looked like he wanted to say something but he let out a rough sigh. He was also trying to figure out how to word his intentions. You fidgeted a little with his hand and he heard your breathing hitch a bit. He worried for a minute that he was holding you too tight but quickly realized it was your sudden proximity that had you nervous. Lyle backed up, but you kept ahold of his hand which he took as a sign that you didn't want him to leave.

* "Can I stay with you? I really don't want to go back to the dorms right now. You... You make me feel safe y/n and right now everything is just... Fuck." He brings his other hand up and covers his face in shame. He was so forward and sounded so much needier than he wanted to. She probably thought he was pathetic or clingy or weird or all of the above. He held his breath and waited for you to tell him to get lost. Instead, when that never came he glanced at your face.

* You looked about as anxious as he did at that moment which gave him some relief. You were undeniably happy that Lyle had come to see you again. Granted the circumstances weren't great but you were glad he was here. You couldn't get him out of your head either and you felt the incredible urge to hide your face with your hands, which at the moment were tied up with his.

* So instead you quietly mumbled, "I don't think you'd fit in my bed." Lyle let out a small laugh and covered his mouth with his hand. "I wasn't asking to sleep with you, but it's nice to know that's an option even if your bed wouldn't hold me." You pulled your bottom hand away from his and covered as much of your face as you could with your fingers. "That's not what I meant and you know it!" Lyle couldn't help but smile at how embarrassed you looked with your hand covering your pretty face.

* "Don't hide beautiful, I'm just teasing." He pulls your hand back and gives you a small kiss on your knuckles before laughing at your expression. Lyle had a feeling that as long as he had you, things would be just fine.

[agentc0rn]

A list of Indigo Disk Revisions

Typed down a rough batch of ideas, which I won't be able to put into complete writing or drawing, but can't stop imagining (will keep editing and adding stuff as some thoughts are some incomplete).

Made a pretty long list lol so get some snacks ready if you have time to spare. Disclaimer: did this just for fun, bunch of indulgent thoughts. Indigo Disk is a whole lots of fun, but I think its potential could have been explored more.

Each time you beat the elite four, there is a brief flashback of them interacting with each other and Kieran.

Lacey = bumps into kieran while organizing stuff at the League Club Room, Kieran orders her to make sure that everyone follows the new rules and stuff since he became president.

Amarys = notices Kieran's change and asks if he is okay, to which he replies coldly with "yeah, I'm fine." She states his sister's concern, but he brushes off with a cold shrug.

Crispin = asks kieran if he wants to hang out at the cafeteria, but kieran declines, saying he has stuff to do. Students pass by them, whispering about Kieran.

Drayton = congratulates Kieran for beating him, but he goes up to and him says: "Was that all you really got, ex-champion?"

You get to meet Briar in a small class event (invited by her), and there she discusses terastal energy and its history. She's not only a history techer but also the one in charge for assigning students to test their strengths with terastalization.

As you progess, you can visit a lab room in blueberry academy where you can find Briar's research, books, documents about terapagos, Heath, and such.

Once the second elite four is defeated, Briar asks you to come, taking notice of your rumored streak of success. She begins to recount her time at blueberry academy and her travels across different regions before introducing the origin of the terastal energy orb as a whole and Terapagos. At some point, she gives you a reason why she wanted to be a teacher, part of it is her interest in the terastal phemenon and its connection between Unova and Paldea, the other is to bring the truth through education (her family name and reputation became infamous and she is determined to bring the facts to the surface - hence the publication later on). She has some grudge against the public for that and becomes increasingly hellbent as we would soon encounter the Hidden Treasure of Area Zero.

After beating the last elite four, Briar invites you once more to the lab room and divulges a secret with you - she has the indigo disk (entrusted by Geeta who recieved it from the OTHER PROF who bailed out from the research years ago, having no need for its use any longer even from a remote distance) and mentions a mission that you are formally invited to, but she would only explain everything about it after you defeat Kieran.

She briefly explains about The Indigo Disk; it is not just some mere storage item but a special object imbued with the power/properties of Terapagos that enable the activation of the elevator to the lower level of the area zero. That disk was made by Sada/Turo but the other parent took off with it in hopes of diverting the obsessed prof from their grand project, but failed anyways. (this idea is half-baked tbh but still put it there cause i like it)

Then Carmine and others meet you, asking what Briar told you about. You explained to them until midway, Kieran comes and does the thing where he expects you to battle him soon and leaves, etc.

Briar observes the championship battle match alongside Carmine.

Afterwards, issues emerge in Terrarium - the terastal core thing begins to destabilize or something (it reacts to terapagos' awakening)... Overgrown crystals slowly take over, causing people/wild pokemon to evacuate. Cyrano requests an emergency meeting with the Elite Four, Kieran, us and Carmine. Briar joins also.

We met additional support, consisting of Geeta and the other parent (who also introduce themself). They report that there is an influx of paradox mons flying out of Area Zero due to a strange phenomenon (gradual awakening of terapagos). After the meeting, you recieve a call from Nemona, Penny, Arven and Clavell who all wanted to check in with you.

Briar proceeds to delve into mission(just like in game) of exploring the deeper level of area zero and investigate the source at hand. She invites the Elite Four, but they all declined due to the reason of attending to their duties and keep watch over the terraium dome, thus leading to the formation of the same group in the game.

Before they leave, they all give you some parting words - advice, encouragement - you name it.

Once you arrive at Area Zero, you will meet Geeta and the other parent. They explained that Terapagos' awakening is partly caused by various factors - ecological ones mainly the increased population of the paradox mon (time machine), seismic activity, Glimmora eating off the crystals (the protective covering) and arrival of people (Heath, the profs, and now us). You will then engage in some double battles with the squad as you encounter some paradox mons - including the new ones - and continue your descent down to the deepest level of A0.

Along the way, Geeta recalls her venture to area zero years ago when she went to check in with the prof's research. She does not remember all the details but remembers finding and treating an injured Glimmora (her own), before falling into a trance of sorts and seeing someone, which she informed the Prof about. She also answers somewhat the mystery of the plate and symbols - there was once a a small civilization, "theorized" to be survivors of the expeditions during the age of exploration who chose to remain there. The steel plate was made likely to record their presence and memories of the empire they long served (landmarks/settlements aka the towns) as a we-were-here or a warning message for those who would come by it in the distant future (again, half-baked idea but wanted to put this out there). Additionally, the four symbols may have been reference points of the four seals (based on the theories on youtube).

The other parent then asks you about Arven after hearing about your part in saving Paldea and admits their fault and regret for abandoning him. More dialogue ensues (you, Kieran, Carmine, etc). Carmine mostly talks to you, asking you about area zero and your life at Paldea.

When you go to the area where the crystalized tree stands-you and Briar undergo a trance and meet Terapagos (?). It reacts at Briar due to her resemblances with Heath as well as you for holding the indigo disk (yes you can eject it rather than it being stuck in the machine); it needs the indigo disk to recover parts of its power. Once both of you recover, others come along and asked what happened out of concern. This only fueled her ambition to seek out terapagos.

Briar forces you to keep going despite going against the guidelines and plans of letting Geeta and the prof go first and deal with terapagos, claiming it was crucial for her to obtain information firsthand while using you and the kitakami siblings as her dirty assistants (and reckless as Kieran says).

Then like the game, Kieran, sees an opportunity and pulls at the gem, which Briar nags on, convincing him that she understands how he feels about being misunderstood. Carmine and us try to interfere, but then terapagos awakens. Same thing happens. Boom. Kieran captures it in a master ball.

You battle it and Briar encourages Kieran to terastalize it, causing it to go berserk. Crystals slowly emerge as well as crumble from the ceiling.

By the time Geeta and the other prof come to aid as they finish battling the stella-type mons, Terapagos transports all of you into another room, not the chamber, but rather, the same place where Heath met - an out-of-the-world, temporally and spatially displaced setting. It takes your indigo disk, absorbing it and transforms into the stellar form, overflowing with tera energy. You now engage in a tera raid style (like in the game).

Briar goes nuts by going on a rave, something like this: - "finally, the Hidden Treasure of Area Zero reveals itself at last! You cannot fathom how long I have been waiting for this! I can share the truth and prove how wrong the world was!"

Then, Kieran has his shining moment and helps us beat terapagos. However, the earth continues to rumble and crack underfoot. Briar stands there, continuing her tirade or something as the cave is collapsing, but Koraidon helps us get out of it and back to the elevator site (at the end, she departs her role as a teacher and faces some legal consequences for endangering the kids and receives some help, all off-screen).

(the crystals from the terrarium also stop and "dissappear" due to the end of terapagos' rampage).

[writing-tics]

getting diagnosed with a tic disorder

I just wanted to try out talking about that experience. maybe someone will relate, or find it useful.

i don't really remember how my tics started. i have a tendency of not acknowledging my feelings and brushing things off. i have always been a little jumpy, so I just blamed my weird shrugs and other weird unwanted movements on being easily scared.

they got really bad after my 18th birthday. and soon i asked my parents to see a neurologist.

before that we had conversations about me seeing a specialist, but i didn't want to hear about it. i wanted to pretend that everything was normal.

i went to the neurologist privately. which means that i didn't have to wait too long for the visit but I had to pay for it. my school needed a confirmation that i do have that disorder for my final exams.

i was very stressed, but the doctor was super nice. i had prepared a whole document in which i described all my symptoms, with dates if i could remember them, what my tics feel like, what makes them worse, what makes them better, family history of tics, or similar conditions, etc.

she was really nice and understanding. i don't remember the specific questions that she asked, but something about what is distracting/difficult about them. stuff like that.

she asked me to close my eyes and touch my nose, or left ear, stuff like that. also she had a little stick (like the ones doctor use to look into someones throat) and she would lead it from my fingertips up to my shoulders. she also checked my knee jerk reaction.

over all it was more of a chat, than an actual physical test.

she gave me a prescription for a brain scan (magnetic resonance, which i couldn't do due to having braces, and we switched to an MRI with contrast) - nothing wrong with it, thank fuck. and she prescribed me medication. i fucking hated those meds. they were Awful.

I never got a diagnosis from her. She gave me meds, and reassurance that this is probably psychological, which was enough at the time. Even tho she was a really good neurologist, tics were not her speciality, so i tried another guy.

AND BOY O BOY

he was supposed to be the lead specialist on tic disorders in my country. and maybe he was.

i spend 4h traveling from my city to the capital, just so i could see him.

i knew that he would probably asked my father my childhood, so i was prepared that my dad would be present for a while during the visit. but no, the doctor ever asked him to go out of the room, after the conversation about my childhood ended (it was brief, i had no symptoms in childhood). the doctor would ask my dad about other stuff as well, stuff i could have easily have talked about myself.

and then he asked me about my self harm, and depression, and suicidal thoughts (with my father still present in the room). i answered truthfully, even tho I REALLY wanted to lie. i came out of that visit with my F95.9 diagnosis, and a bunch of other diagnosis like anxiety and stuff. and a prescription for anti-anxiety drugs that i never bought.

i am not sure if the F95.9 is my disorder, but it does fit my symptoms somewhat, so that's why i use it. it's definitely not TS, and at this point idc anymore. the guy saw me one time, and with my dad present, so the diagnosis is very questionable imo, but hey. whatever.

[buckysgrace]

Fifty One

Kim awoke to a throbbing in her chest. There was a gaping hole. She couldn’t see it, but she could feel it. Her heart had broken off from her body and attached itself to Billy. 

She rolled over, not feeling anything as the sunlight flared inside of her room. She looked over at her discarded stuffed Cows that were still sitting on the floor. She made no effort to move, no effort to clean them up. She laid in bed, just staring at the ceiling and wishing she had stuck to her romance books. 

She finally got out of bed when she couldn’t hold her bladder any longer. She quickly made her way to the bathroom to relieve herself and then forced herself to brush her teeth. She thought that she looked terrible as she looked in the mirror. Her cheeks were raw, her eyes puffy and she had dark bags underneath her eyes. Her hair was unruly but she didn’t bother to brush it out. 

There was nothing left in her body to cry. She was sure she had done all of that yesterday. She felt numb, like her heart had completely lept from her chest and chased after Billy on her own. She sighed, looking at herself one more time before she left. The only plans she had today were hiding in her bed.

“Kim,” His voice still ignited a flame inside of her and she found herself pausing in her steps. She felt like she was frozen in time. If she closed her eyes hard enough, she would be able to hear the kindness in his voice, “Can we talk?” She turned slowly to look at him.

He looked similar to her. A mess. His hair was frizzy and unkempt, like he had continually stroked his hand through it. She recognized the familiar bags under his eyes and was surprised to see that he had hair on his face where he usually shaved. He was looking at her closely, his blue eyes hiding something deep inside. 

“I thought you didn’t want to talk.” She told him seriously. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to speak to him anymore. Everything felt so hard right now. She kept her fingers tightly to her sides, suppressing the urge to reach for him. No matter what had happened, she still wanted him. He exhaled slowly, looking pained as he spoke.

“I said a bunch of dumb shit that I didn’t mean last night,” He started slowly, walking down the hallway to approach her. She took a step back, not wanting him to get too close to her. She knew how easily she would give in. This wasn’t the time. Her heart was still hurt and it wasn’t necessarily because he didn't love her. She dropped her eyes to the hickies on his neck, “Can we start over?”

“Excuse me?” She blinked quickly, thinking that she had heard him wrong. He took another slow step forward, testing the waters as she stayed put. He wasn’t close enough to reach out and touch, but she could still feel the warmth spreading from his body. 

“Go back to how we were. This isn’t us.” He sounded almost desperate as he spoke. She felt her eyebrows raising high on her head as she stared at him. She couldn’t believe him. As if it would be that easy to erase yesterday. 

“You said there wasn’t an us,” She drew out slowly, trying to remind him of everything that he had told her. He frowned, watching her closely, “No feelings, so how could there be an us?” She watched as he shook his head quickly, like he was trying to deny his words.

“That didn’t mean there wasn’t an us,” He took another step closer, his fingers twitching as he did so. She fought the urge to move away, feeling an unknowing sensation traveling through her body, “We were happy. We could go back.” She was bitter. She was bitter and she was angry. 

“To what? You can go and fuck whoever you want but I’m the whore for getting a ride to come get your sorry ass.” She was seething in anger, her whole body shaking in a way she hadn’t felt before. Billy’s eyes softened as he watched her and that only seemed to fuel her anger. She didn’t want him to take pity on her. 

“I was being dumb.” He explained softly, trying to reason with her. He looked desperate as he watched her, like he could somehow pick up the tiny pieces that were left of her heart and put them back together. 

“You were being mean, for whatever reason you wanted to be,” She felt her bottom lip quivering but no tears came forward. She motioned towards herself, tapping her aching chest, “I didn’t deserve that.” She told him and she meant it. She had only tried to help him. She didn’t deserve to be called cruel names or treated the way he had treated her. He wasn’t supposed to actually push her away. 

“I didn’t mean it,” His eyes looked glazed over as he spoke and she tried to erase the urge to comfort him. She didn’t want to, she didn’t want to seem like she was that easy just to go crawling back. He hadn’t even apologized yet, “I was drunk.” He observed her closely. She furrowed her eyebrows together, looking at him in disbelief. He was acting like that was the end of the story, like it was the perfect excuse. She didn’t care if he was drunk, he shouldn’t have said it. 

“Fuck you.” She told him seriously, angry jittering through her body as she watched his shocked expression. She clenched her fists together, never feeling this upset before. She wanted him to tell her that he was sorry. She didn’t want the excuses. 

“Stop, you’re angry. I get that. I wasn’t thinking right. I shouldn’t have done any of that.” Billy stepped forward, looking at her urgently like he was trying to speak through a brick wall. He squeezed her arms softly, rubbing his hands up and down like he was trying to comfort her. She stared ahead, breathing hard as she shook her head. He was moving his head down, trying to make her look up at him again. 

“I hate you.” She pushed weakly at his arms, her body burning at his touch. It was too overwhelming. As mad as she was, her body still yearned for him. She wanted him to wrap her up in his arms but she was so angry with him that she didn’t want him to at the same time. She felt her lip quivering as his moments paused briefly.

“You don’t mean that.” He moved his hands up his shoulders, across her neck and then to her face. He cupped her cheeks softly, forcing her to look up at him. He looked pained as he watched her features, his eyes taking her in slowly. He looked sorrowful. She was shaking in his arms, feeling angry that he had a right to say that after everything that had happened. 

“I hate you.” She pushed at his chest, trying to make him let go of her. She had never felt so angry before. They had been here this whole time and he still hadn’t tried to apologize to her. 

“Hey, hey, stop,” He was trying to touch her, trying to comfort her but it just fueled her anger. She was trying to brush him away, “Kim.” She shoved at his chest hard, barely pushing him back. He sighed softly, looking frustrated. 

“I hate you!” She was overwhelmed again, “You said I shouldn’t force my feelings on you, I’m not. You can fuck whomever you want, you can be with whoever. I don’t care anymore. I’m so tired of whatever this is.” She wasn’t sure if she meant the words or not, but she knew that he wasn’t treating her fairly. 

“Please, please don’t say that.” He told her desperately, trying to cling onto whatever was left. They were like a sinking ship, neither of them fully wanting to let go. 

“I have a right to be mad, to be upset. You haven’t said anything about being sorry about your actions, just that they happened,” She was breathing hard, her pulse racing faster than ever as she spoke, “You’re so closed off to me, even now, that I can’t even tell if you mean anything you say.” She was frustrated as she spoke, her chest hurting from how bad her heart was racing. He shook his head after everything he said, beginning to make her even more upset as he touched her skin gently. 

“I do mean it, I’m sorry about everything.” He was bruising his thumb across her freckled skin, trying to reel her back into his words. She stared at him for the longest time, searching for anything that told her he truly meant it. He was still guarded, his walls placed up tight and so tall that she couldn’t see over them. She wanted to believe him. 

“Do you even know what you did?” She asked him finally, her hands still stuck to her sides. His skin felt so warm and smooth against her at the moment. She pulled away suddenly, wondering if he had touched the other woman this way. She wondered why she was so easy for him to discard, to get rid of.

“I hurt you.” He told her softly, almost looking regretful. She waited, keeping quiet to wait for him to clarify. She huffed in frustration, wishing he could be honest with her. She wanted to know why he had gone with someone else, why he had thought it would be okay to say those things to her. He didn’t say anything else and that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. 

“I need time, I need space,” She gently pried his hands away from her. She didn’t want to discuss this anymore. He looked dejected as he watched her, but she didn’t know what he wanted her to say. He was acting like this was no big deal, “I can’t- You said really hurtful things to me.” She held her hands up in protest and took a step back from him. He lingered before he followed her movements. 

“I didn’t mean them. I was drunk and I don’t know how to control my anger. I’m trying, I really am. You make me want to be a better person.” He tried to reassure her as he reached for her hand again. She pulled away, frowning deeply at him.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.” She said seriously as she crossed her hands over her chest. She wanted some time to think on her own, to think if any of this was worth it. 

“I’m trying to apologize.” He spoke soft and gently, his blue eyes looking at her full of regret. She watched him for a moment before she shook her head. 

“You’re trying to make excuses,” She breathed out, “I know you went through a lot of terrible things and you don’t have to open up to me, that’s fine. But I wasn’t the one that did any of that to you. So why are you punishing me for it?” She asked him seriously, waiting for him to answer her question. She didn’t say anything else, letting them settle into an awkward silence before he finally spoke again.

“Kim.” He only spoke her name, looking at her sincerely. She didn’t know what to think, what she was supposed to feel. She kept waiting, watching him to add some sort of context to what had happened. 

“I just can’t talk to you right now,” She exhaled softly, feeling overwhelmed again. She breathed in harshly, wishing her pulse would stop racing so fast, “I need time, I need to know that you actually mean whatever you mean.” She said dryly, still not sure what he was apologizing for. 

“I haven't felt like this before.” He said after a moment, looking vulnerable. She stared at him for the longest time, wishing he had just said this before anything had gone bad. She didn’t understand why he had to make it so difficult, why he had to make the two of them suffer. She wasn’t ready to move on yet. Maybe he was right. She hadn’t been in love before, would she really know what it felt like? She closed her eyes before she spoke again. 

“But you’ll fuck someone else as soon as things go bad?” She asked quietly, opening her eyes to watching as he winced. He rubbed the side of his neck, likely trying to cover the hickeys. They were out and proud, no matter how hard he tried to deny them. She knew what he had done, there was no erasing that. She felt bitter again, more bitter than she was angry, “I can’t live with that. I refuse to be in a bad relationship. I deserve better than that. You deserve better than that.” She thought of her parents, she thought of Neil. She thought about how neither of them had probably ever seen a healthy relationship before. She wanted them both to beat that, even if it meant that they wouldn’t be together. It hurt to think, but she loved him enough that she would be able to let him go if it meant he would be happy. 

“I told you, I’m not worth it.” He said at last, holding a bitter smile against his face. She sighed in frustration, wishing he would see his full potential. She didn’t want him to feel bad for himself. She loved him, but she couldn’t love himself for him. She shook her head as she watched him. 

“Don’t try and make me feel bad,” She pleaded with him, “You’re worth everything and more. I do love you, nothing about that has changed. I just want you to make sure that you’re ready for something like this.” She told him, feeling a little vulnerable. 

“I am.” He nodded his head, looking at her urgently. She breathed out softly, wishing she could believe him. She hesitated for a moment.

“I don’t think you are,” She drew her eyes up to him slowly, wishing that things were so much easier, “Not really. I think you need to figure out what you want first, before we do anything else.” She didn’t want him to run off to someone else every time they fought. She couldn’t handle that. She couldn’t handle the way he would drink himself silly. There had to be changes, something to make sure that they could work. 

“You want to end this then?” He asked softly, sounding almost bitter as he watched her. She shook her head slowly, knowing that was anything but what she wanted. She only wanted him, but she couldn’t act like she didn’t feel anything for him. 

“No, but I can’t sleep with you and pretend like I don’t love you.” She told him softly, wondering if he had really meant it when he told her he loved her. She was still hoping that he was too scared to open up to her. She didn’t want there to be nothing between them. 

“I care about you.” He said softly, his eyes lingering against her hands. She popped her knuckles softly, her heart fluttering alive at his words. She felt her features softening as she watched him. 

“But do you love me?” She thought of the night that he had confessed and she wished she could go back to then. She wished she hadn’t frozen and that she had been able to say the words back.

“Why do we have to love?” He cupped her face as he looked at her seriously, “We’re good for each other. We fit perfectly and we make each other happy. Love just complicates things. We were fine how we were.” She watched him for the longest time, searching for something behind his eyes. She felt sad again, feeling like she had lost him completely. She didn’t want to spend her life without love. She wanted it to be real, she wanted to feel like she was important to someone. She moved his hands away softly, squeezing them in her own.

“I love you, Billy,” She said softly, still holding onto his hands, “And when you’re ready to let yourself be loved, find me. You know where I’m at.” She dropped his hands from hers gently, his pinky hooked around hers. He squeezed softly, looking like he didn’t want to let go. Her heart hurt as she leaned forward and kissed the side of his cheek. She reminded herself that this was the right thing to do. She pulled away softly, watching the way that he looked at her. She knew then that he loved her, that he had meant it when he’d told her so. He just wasn’t ready to admit it yet. She could accept that.

She felt like the few strings that connected them were slowly being shredded apart in the most brutal way. She was losing him and she felt like she was losing a part of herself. She inhaled sharply, pulling her gaze away from him and walking away. She swallowed a lump in the back of her throat, wishing that things had been easier. She wondered if it had been easier if she had just swallowed her pride and let him get away with what he had said.

She went back to her room and laid down across her bed. She breathed deeply, fearing that she may start to cry again. She was surprised when nothing came. She laid there for a long time, still fighting with herself if she had made the right decision. She didn’t want to lose him, but she couldn’t pretend like she could go back to how things were. 

She wondered if there was ever a time where he had loved someone, if he had allowed himself to open up and be happy. She thought about who he may have been with. She kept thinking that it must’ve been Tina. That was the last girl he was with before they got together. She wondered if he really regretted it. Kim wondered if he had ever regretted being with her. She found herself curling into a tighter ball on her bed, wishing for the bad thoughts to go away. She felt so alone.

Her eyes snapped open at the sound of footsteps at the door. She twisted, turning to look out her doorway. She was ready for Neil to put it back up. Billy stood there, looking withdrawn as he stared at her. 

“I was jealous,” He tried again, standing in her doorway, “I was jealous because you came with Steve. I won’t ever be like him.” She raised her head from her pillows to look towards him. His hands were shoved deeply in his pockets and he stared at the ground as he spoke.

“What do you mean?” She was confused, not understanding why he was comparing himself to Steve. She didn’t want to be with Steve. He knew that. She had been over Steve for quite some time. 

“I’m not nice like Steve. I couldn’t treat you the same way he’d treat you,” His eyes finally rose from the floor as he spoke to her,  “I just can’t do it.” She rose from her bed and crossed the room softly. She wished she could’ve saved him from whatever heartbreak he had gone through before. She wondered if there was ever a way that they could go back and fix it. 

“I don’t want you to be someone you’re not,” She touched the side of his face, her stomach dropping at the feeling of his wet cheek. Suddenly everything was so much different. She wanted to be mad, but she was finding it harder and harder. He was so broken. She wanted nothing more than to crawl around and find all of the tiny pieces that had fallen from him and put him back together. Maybe they both could, “I’ve only ever wanted you, Billy.” 

“I don’t know how,” He paused as he took a deep breath, “I don’t know how to do this.” He gestured between them. She almost found the strength to laugh. She felt the same way. She didn’t know how to love, she wasn’t sure how to do it right. Her mom and dad weren’t the best examples of that. None of that mattered. All that mattered was what she felt for him. They could make it through. She was sure of it. 

“Do you think I do?” She said finally, thinking of a hundred different things but then settling for that. She watched the way his eyes softened. As he turned towards her with uncertainty. She wished she could take all of that away from him. She didn’t want him to be uncertain of himself. 

“I don’t deserve you.” He said at last, his voice sounding hoarse as his eyes flicked over her features. She exhaled softly, her thumb rubbing across his skin gently. She still thought his answer was bullshit. She wished he could see what she could see. If only he knew how great he was.

“You deserve to be loved.” He was crying. Billy was crying. She had never seen him in this state before. So vulnerable, so raw. It brought tears to her own eyes because it hurt. She was angry again, but not at him. She was angry at Neil, at his mom, at everyone who had made him think that he couldn’t be loved. He wasn’t the bad person that he made himself out to be. He was gentle and kind, even if he didn’t see that in himself. She saw it. She wished she knew how to express it to him.

Kim wasn’t sure what to say or do. He held his hands over his face, cutting himself off from her completely like he was trying to hide away. She moved his hands away gently, taking a hesitant step forward before she wrapped her arms around his strong waist. His arms hung loosely to his sides as he cried. She rested her head against his shoulder and the crook of his neck, ignoring the way his hot tears fell onto her cheek. 

His arms slowly slid around her waist, pulling her closer until there was no space left between them. She squeezed her arms around him even tighter, letting her fingers trace circles along his back. She didn’t try to understand what he was feeling and she didn’t bother asking him about it either. He’d tell her when he was ready, she was sure of that. For now, she let him cry until he had nothing left to cry. 

“Fuck,” He pulled away in a haste, like he had finally come to his senses. He rubbed his hands over his red, puffy eyes. Her insides burned at the sight of him. She wished she could take all of his pain away, “I’m sorry. I didn’t-” He shook his head, looking like he was close to breaking down again. She let her fingers brush against his and squeeze them softly. 

“It’s okay,” She nodded her head, wishing that he could look at her, “Crying is natural. It’s an emotion. There’s nothing wrong with crying.” She promised him. His fingers were loosely dangling against hers like he wasn’t sure what to do. She didn’t really know either. She wasn’t sure how he’d react. 

“It’s weak.” He responded bitterly. She squeezed his hand tighter, hating everything that he had ever gone through. She knew that wasn’t him speaking. It was Neil. She wished she could take him out of his head. 

“You’re so strong. Think of everything you’ve gone through, Billy. You deserve to cry. I won’t ever judge you for that,” She promised him. His eyes were still glazy as he glanced at her and she could tell that he didn’t believe her. She wondered if he would believe her if she kissed him. She paused for a moment, but was unable to go through it. It would hurt both of them too much. She couldn’t do that to them, not right now. He inhaled deeply, his shoulders shaking as he tried to gain sense of his surroundings, “And I don’t know how you feel about me, but that’s okay. I’m still here for you. It hurts, but even if you decide you don’t love me, I could never hate you. Things might be awkward between us but I still need you in my life. I’m here for you.” She promised him, letting her fingers trace along his skin gently. He observed her for the longest time and she waited patiently for him to say anything. 

“Can you go with me to get my car?” He finally asked, his voice sounding raw as he spoke. She looked at him for the longest time, watching the way he darted his eyes around like he was afraid of her answer. She desperately wanted him to say anything else, but she didn’t have it in her to turn him away.

“Of course,” She spoke softly, blinking to remove the tears that were forming in her eyes again, “I’ll go with you.” She cut herself short, wanting to tell him that she would go with him wherever he wanted. She’d pack up her whole life and move far away just so they could be together. 

It was hot. The sun was blistering and the air was muggy. Regardless, it was a beautiful day. Everyone seemed to be outside, busy doing something as if they were enjoying the last days of summer. Kim thought it was silly to be out when it was this hot. Her skin was burning and the back of her neck was beginning to collect sweat beads that kept dripping down her back. 

Billy’s lips kept moving as they walked, like he was rehearsing saying something. They were silent as the world around them continued to go on. Kim didn’t think it was fair. They were in so much pain and no one knew about it. It was cruel. Summer was supposed to be fun, it had been fun. It wasn’t supposed to be painful like this. 

Their fingers kept brushing together and she still had the urge to hold his hand. She wished she would be able to. She had been thinking a lot about what they would do if they actually got together. She thought that she’d like to tell Max, to break the news to her before she found out. She just didn’t know how. She didn’t want to hurt her. She knew it was silly, that there really wasn’t a situation where this ended well for them. Neil would kill them, her mom would hate her. She wasn’t sure how Max would react, but she hoped that she wouldn’t be hurt. 

“Who was your first crush?” He asked suddenly, glancing towards her. She wiped the sweat from her head, tilting her head as she watched him. His eyebrows were scrunched together from the sun, the lines on his face drawn in tightly from concentrating so hard. She breathed out, feeling odd that they were having such a normal conversation. 

“My first real crush?” She asked him, watching as he nodded his head. She thought for a moment, thinking hard about all of the boys she had ever met in her life, “I guess it was freshman year for me. His name was Adrian Romano. You know, he sort of asked me out to his place. I just never got the chance to go, I had to watch Max.” She explained, feeling like the asphalt from the road was only making her skin even hotter. She glanced up at him at the sound of him laughing. Her eyebrows furrowed together hard, watching as he shook his head.

“What?” She asked, feeling a bit self conscious at the moment. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, looking at her with a hint of amusement. There was something else there, but she couldn’t tell what it was. She inched forward, wanting in on his little secret.

“Nothing. It’s dumb,” Billy turned away, looking down the road in front of them. They were coming into view of Tommy’s house, “He was a dick too.” She pondered for a moment, not remembering any of his friends from San Diego.

“I like dumb things,” She smiled sheepishly, her heart feeling a little more full at the moment. If she tried hard enough, she could pretend that nothing was wrong. She could pretend that nothing had been said between them. She wished it was that easy. She thought of the names that he had called her and glanced back towards the ground, “Only if you want to talk about it.” She mumbled, hoping that the more they talked the more she could forget what had happened. 

“We were,” He paused for a moment, “Friends. He invited me over one night because a shy little redhead was supposed to show up.” He looked at her with gleaming eyes and she felt as if everything was alright suddenly. Her world slowed down to a stop as she thought about it. 

“You’re lying.” She said at last. There was no way that their lives had crossed before, she was almost sure about that. He chuckled, shaking his head at her answer. Her heart strummed in her chest at the familiar sound. 

“I’ve never been more honest about something in my life.” He glanced at her again and she wished that he would always look at her like this. She felt a smile forming on her lips. 

“We could’ve met before?” She asked softly, wishing she had the chance to go back in time and go that night. That was long before her mom had met Neil. Things could’ve been so different for them. They wouldn’t be stuck in this messy situation. They could’ve been happy, they could be allowed to be together in public. She thought that it would become her favorite fantasy to think of at night. What could’ve been. 

“I think he wanted to do a lot more than talk.” Billy glanced at her one last time before they walked up the dirt road. Kim was too warm from the sun that she didn’t even flush. She hadn’t thought that Adrian meant it in that way, but she had always been naive. It didn’t surprise her, Adrian had been her first kiss. It was fleeting and awkward, but it was her first. She kept that to herself.

“That would’ve been an awkward meeting after,” She giggled again, tucking the loose strands of hair behind her ears, “I think I would’ve died from embarrassment.” She admitted, thinking of how terrible it would have been to pretend that she didn’t know him. He grinned as they approached his parked car.

“I would’ve fucked you at the church,” He admitted, not a hint of shame in his voice. Her insides coiled together at the thought, “Shit. I think my keys are inside.” He peeked in his car for a moment. She exhaled softly.

“Don’t tell me we walked all the way here and your keys are back at the house.” She partially teased him, but was partially telling him the truth too. They’d definitely have to stop and get water somewhere.

“No,” Billy shook his head, walking up towards the house. Kim watched for a minute before she followed him, unsure if she was supposed to. She followed his long strides up the steps, watching as he pushed the door open without knocking, “Tommy took them last night.” She followed him for a moment, biting her tongue as she thought about bringing up his behavior from last night. She decided against it. 

“It’s messy,” She commented, looking at the empty cans and cups that littered Tommy’s floor. She stepped around it, following him inside, “Is he even here?” She questioned, glancing at Billy who was making his way towards the kitchen. Her mouth started to water when she watched him pull out a cold water bottle from the fridge.

“I told him I’d be coming by today,” She watched as he took a big gulp before he passed the bottle towards her. She took it thankfully, letting the cool liquid spread a nice chill inside of her, “I can go look for him.” She watched the way his arms moved as he shut the fridge. She felt a pang in her chest again, noticing the marks scattered along his lower neck. She exhaled sharply, turning away from him. 

“Hey,” Tommy stumbled down the stairs, nearly tripping when he took notice of them, “Sorry I was sleeping. Uh, what’s up?” He looked between the two of them. Kim paused for a moment, leaning away from the counter as she noticed an odd look cross his face. 

“Keys.” Billy spoke up simply, taking another gulp from the bottle before he was handing it back to her. She took it gratefully, unsure if she should say something towards Tommy or not. She felt a little embarrassed from everything Billy had said last night. Tommy had heard every word. She looked back towards the clear counter tables. Trying to distract herself so she didn’t get mad again. 

“Right,” Tommy walked towards him, his eyes looking over Kim for a moment. She breathed out softly, remembering that she had promised to go to his next party. She did her best to smile, “How are you doing?” He asked her, rummaging through different drawers until he found Billy’s keys. An odd tension filled the room that she didn’t understand. Billy was watching him fiercely, like he was making sure he didn’t say anything. 

She took another big drink from the bottle before she answered him, “Yeah, I’m fine.” She wasn’t sure what else she was supposed to say. She glanced at Billy, still upset over what he had said but feeling bad for him at the same time. She didn’t really think he meant to say it, at least, she hoped that he really didn’t mean it. Billy took the keys without another word. Tommy paused for a moment before he spoke again. 

“So,” Tommy drew out softly as she passed the cold water bottle back to Billy, “Are you too back together again?” Everything in the room went silent. Kim snapped her head towards Billy, the glare he was sending Tommy not going unnoticed by her. She felt cold suddenly. She paused as she glanced between the two boys. Billy had stiffened and Tommy’s eyes had widened into large saucers as if he couldn’t believe that he had just said that. There was no way. Billy wouldn’t expose them like that. He wouldn’t just give them away so easily, just because he was mad and drunk.

“Billy?” She asked softly, trying to search his face for her answer as she exhaled sharply. It hurt to breathe suddenly. She couldn’t meet Tommy’s eyes, too afraid of what he was thinking right now. She felt exposed, like everything was spread wide open. 

“He just meant that we’re not fighting,” He looked at her for a fleeting second before he was glaring at Tommy again, “Right?” He spoke between clenched teeth. Tommy’s eyes widened as he glanced between the two of them. 

“Oh, oh yeah,” He nodded his head in agreement with Billy, “That’s what I meant. You know, nothing else.” He scratched at the back of his head, looking at Billy with uncertainty. Kim felt the panic rising inside of her chest. She felt betrayed, knowing how easily this could spread about them. 

“Thanks for the drink,” Billy mumbled as he walked past Tommy. He took a hold of Kim’s elbow, guiding her out the door. She could feel her pulse in her neck, thumping harshly as the sun beat down at them again. She turned towards Billy, her legs feeling numb as they walked. She tried to make sense of what had just happened, “He’s just a moron.” He told her quickly, opening the door for her. She slid in quickly, not wanting to say anything else in front of Tommy.

“You told him?” She watched as he got in and quickly turned the car on. His fingers hesitated against the steering wheel before he reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it up, keeping her waiting. She watched as his hands shook.

“I didn’t mean to,” He started to talk as he took a long drag, “He sort of guessed it on his own.” He glanced at her, looking worried at what her reaction would be. Everything came crashing down suddenly. Their secret was out but not in the way she wanted it to be. She wasn’t ready yet. They weren’t even really together, how was she supposed to trust Tommy? She didn’t know him.

“Someone knows?” She knew she was repeating the same thing over again, but she wanted him to tell her that this was some sick joke. She didn’t want Tommy out of all people to be someone that knew. 

“He won’t say anything,” Billy said quickly, putting his arm behind her chair as he reversed out of the driveway. Her heart was pumping fast and she didn’t understand how he could be so casual at the moment, “I promise, he won’t.” He glanced at her again before he shifted the car into drive. She didn’t know what to think at the moment.

“What if he does?” She asked quickly, still not fully trusting Tommy. He had just asked her to go to his party, what was all of that about then? She knew Carol hated her, what if he accidentally let slip one day? Carol would never keep their secret. Everyone would know, “What if our parents find out?” She tried to control her breathing as she thought about what would happen if Neil found out. More importantly, what he would do. 

“We can trust Tommy,” Billy was trying to reassure her. She didn’t know how he expected her to trust someone she didn’t know. She knew that he wouldn’t be alright if she had asked him to do the same with one of her friends, “I won’t let him say anything.” He kept speaking quickly as if he was trying to keep her from freaking out.

“How do you know that?” She asked him seriously. He always acted like he didn’t truly have any friends. What if this was just Tommy’s way of holding it over his head? “Billy, do you know how dangerous this is?” She turned to face him, watching the way he exhaled deeply. He turned to face her. 

“You said you love me.” He said simply, his blue eyes softening before he turned back towards the road. She stared at him, unsure of where he was getting with this.

“I do.” She meant the words as she spoke. It didn’t matter how mad or upset she was. She was still in love with him. That wouldn’t ever change, she was sure of it. She waited for him to finally say it back, to admit to her that he was in love with her. 

“Then why do you want to hide me away?” She nearly broke down at his question. All of her worries came to a standstill as she stared at the side of his face. He was refusing to look at her again but his question rattled around in her chest.

“I don’t want to hide you away,” She felt meek as she answered him, “Neil will be so angry if he finds out. I don’t want you to get hurt.” She cared about him too much to let that happen. It just wasn’t safe for them yet. He laughed, the smoke rolling off of his tongue. 

“That’s such bullshit.” He turned towards her again, looking at her in disbelief. She stared right back, not understanding how the conversation had rolled back towards her. She wondered if he was just mad about her getting upset with him. She took a deep breath. 

“It’s true,” She told him seriously, wishing that he would calm down a little bit. He was so hard to speak to when he got angry. She didn’t want him to be mad, “I’m scared of what will happen.” She had thought of a hundred different ways that this could end and most of them ended with the two of them having no one in their lives. She didn’t want to lose Max. As complicated of a relationship that she had with her mom and dad, she didn’t want to lose them forever either. Susan had been estranged from her mother because of Sam and she could see how lonely it had made her mom feel. She didn’t want that. 

“You care so much about what people think,” He was shaking his head as he spoke, looking straight back at the road, “I don’t get it.” He admitted after a second. She wished she could understand him. 

“How can I not?” She wished he wasn’t driving so he could look at him again. She wanted to know what he was thinking, what emotions were crossing his eyes. From this angle, she felt like she was fighting with the side of his face.

“You just have to ignore people,” He reminded her and she really wished it was just that easy to have no problem with what others had to say about her, “It’s really not that hard.” She didn’t know why she was getting so angry suddenly. She felt like he was making all of this out to be her fault. She only wanted to know why he thought it was a good idea to tell Tommy. He could have at least warned her. 

“You haven’t even said it back.” She told him frustrated. He turned towards her, his eyes no longer soft and warm. He looked just as frustrated as what she felt. He definitely didn’t look like he was going to say any kind words to her at the moment. 

“Why would I say it back when you’re afraid to be with me?” His question rattled in her chest again. It hurt her so badly that he thought so lowly of her. She wasn’t afraid to be with him. Sure, she didn’t want people to know yet but that was because she knew he would get the blame for everything. She couldn’t live with herself if she was forced away from him. She didn’t want to lose him, to lose whatever they had left between them. It felt like it was fading away. 

“Billy,” She spoke softly, “I’m not.” She reached across the console to take his hand but he pulled away quickly. She felt a stinging sensation travel through her heart and she wondered if she had truly lost him. 

“I think you’re right,” He said at last, “I think we both need to think about what we want.” He refused to look at her. She felt her mood dampening, wishing she hadn’t agreed to go get his car with him. Everything felt as if it was backwards. She didn’t know why they were acting like this when they were so happy a few days ago. She nodded her head stiffly before she sat back in her chair, forcing herself to keep her tears at bay. She didn’t want to feel like she was guilting him. As she looked out the window she wondered if it was really that easy to sleep with someone else and forget about the person you were yearning for. 

//////////////

Dinner was awkward, unbearable even. She sat next to Billy, feeling a pain inside of her chest as she kept herself from looking at him. He was shamefully looking at her, touching her, doing whatever he could to get her attention. He was making this harder than what it had to be. 

“School starts soon,” Susan drew out slowly over the sound of silverware against the plates. Kim stared at the food in front of her, not having much of an appetite at all, “We need to go and get supplies.” She nodded towards Max, smiling brightly.

“No dresses,” Max spoke up, quickly glancing at Neil before she looked back at her mother, “Please.” She added after a second. Neil had been kind enough when they first moved in to buy Kim and Max much needed new outfits. The problem was that he picked them out with Susan, ignoring the approval of the two girls. Kim was sure Max had torn her dresses and skirts to shreds. 

“Nothing too boyish,” Susan responded back, at least trying to make an effort to compromise, “I can’t believe my baby is going to be in high school.” Susan cooed as she pinched at Max’s cheek. Max held her hand up defensively and shook her head no, her face heating up.

“Mom,” Max glanced towards her, her face as red as Billy’s shirt, “Please.” She gave her a look before she turned back to her plate. Susan smiled across the table, her eyes lingering against Kim’s withdrawn face.

“You’re going to be in college soon,” Susan sighed dramatically, “I feel like I’ve missed so much.” Kim wanted to tell her that she had. She had missed so much and she didn’t even realize. Kim shrugged her shoulders.

“I still have to graduate first.” She mumbled under her breath. She didn’t know how she was supposed to tell her mom that she had no interest in talking about colleges right now. Her whole world felt as if it had just fallen apart. She wasn’t interested in talking about a future that may not involve Billy. Susan was watching her confused, her eyebrows drawn tightly together. 

“At least you’re going to college,” Neil shot Billy a look, “Better than working as a lifeguard forever.” He made the dig at him. Kim exhaled, hating how this always came about. She drew her eyes towards Billy, watching the way he stiffened in his spot. She felt bad for him.

“It’s not forever,” Billy defended himself quickly, “I told you I got a job at the garage.” Kim stared at him for a long time, wondering why he wouldn’t tell her that. He didn’t spare her a glance. He was mad at her, for whatever reason from earlier. He was still mad. 

“Right, a mechanic,” Neil scoffed, “You could make more if you had just come and worked with me. I told you they would’ve got you started right away.” Neil chewed as he stared down at Billy, waiting for his response. 

“Didn’t really want to be a security guard,” Billy was poking at his plate now, staring down and ignoring the look that Neil was sending him, “But thanks.” He almost sounded sarcastic. Neil set his napkin down, beginning to move from his chair. 

“Why aren’t you eating, Kim?” Susan changed the subject quickly, “You love this.” She motioned towards the food. Kim shrugged her shoulders, glancing back towards Neil who had turned his attention towards her.

“Not hungry,” She mumbled, thinking of a quick lie, “I ate earlier.” She mumbled under her breath. It was too hard to sit here next to Billy and act like everything was okay. She glanced back up, feeling Neil’s intense gaze staring her down this time. 

“You need to eat more, you’ll get too skinny. If you want to get a boyfriend you need to get some meat on your bones.” Neil spoke up suddenly. Something inside her snapped, his words stabbing straight into the wound inside of her heart. Kim burst into tears. Fat, hot, racing tears in the middle of their dinner. 

“Oh my god, Kim,” Susan sounded shocked as she spoke. Kim placed her hands over her face, her shoulders shaking. She didn’t know why that set her over the edge but it did. Did Billy really care if she was too skinny? She wasn’t sure anymore, “What’s wrong?” Kim was shaking her head no, trying to collect herself before Neil got angry.

“I’m fine.” She moved her hands away quickly, wiping her eyes to rid any evidence from her cheeks. Everyone was staring at her as if she had just lost her mind. She wondered if she was. She exhaled harshly, staring ahead over Max’s head. Max’s eyes were wide, but she was staring at her intensely. She knew she’d have to answer her questions later. 

The side of her face was warm. She could feel Billy staring at her, burning a hole against the side of her face. She didn’t look at him. She couldn’t. She didn’t want him to feel bad, but she was also sure that if she looked at him that she would beg for him to take her back. She’d expose the two of them in front of everyone.

“Do you need to be excused?” Neil said finally, breaking the awkward tension that had filled the room. Kim nodded quickly, pushing up from the table and walking towards her room without another word. She felt so overwhelmed, like all of her emotions were crushing down on her at once. She crawled into her bed without another thought, hiding herself underneath her blankets and trying to pretend that everything was okay. She didn’t know what she had done wrong. He had been the one to say all those mean things to her. She just wanted the hurt to go away. 

“Kim?” Max’s voice drifted into her room. Kim sighed as she shifted the blankets off of her head. She looked towards Max, noticing the worried look on her face. She sat up on her elbows, turning towards her confused.

“Is everything okay?” She watched as Max pulled herself onto the bed. Kim rested her cheek on her pillow, wishing she could explain everything to her sister. She was sure it would make herself feel better. She couldn’t.

“I’m fine.” Kim did her best to smile. Max scoffed as she moved the blankets over her smaller body. She laid down next to Kim, resting on her side as she watched Kim.

“You’re not fine,” Max called her out on her lie, “You just bawled when we were eating dinner. What’s up?” Kim groaned softly, feeling embarrassed already at the mention of it. She was sure no one would let that go for a while. Kim exhaled softly.

“The guy I like,” Kim breathed in deeply as she thought about Billy again. She wasn’t going to let herself cry this time, “He doesn’t feel the same way.” She mumbled, feeling the rush of emotions come back to her all over again. 

“Well he’s an idiot. You’re awesome.” Max looked at her with her eyebrows furrowed together, like she couldn’t believe why Kim was laid away in bed crying over some guy. Kim pulled her blankets back up to her chest and Max scooted closer to her, doing the same. 

“I think he’s just hurting so bad,”Kim explained, thinking of Billy. She knew it was true, “He can’t open up to me in that way.” It left a bitter taste in her mouth. She wondered if she’d ever be able to get him to trust her in the way he needed. She trusted him fully, but she could tell he wasn’t to the same point that she was at. 

“I think you’re just too nice.” Max admitted, a small smile curling against her lips. Kim watched her for a moment, thinking of the times they had shared a bed. It seemed like it had been a lifetime ago. 

“Do you think I’ll end up like mom?” Kim whispered softly, just in case anyone was lingering outside of her doorway. She wished Neil would hurry up and put her door back on. She didn’t like the feeling of having to be cautious inside of her own room. Max raised her eyebrows at her.

“What do you mean?” She sat up a bit as she looked at Kim. Kim wasn’t sure if Max was the best one to ask, but she was going to ask her anyway. She needed some type of comfort. 

“Like, I’ll never find love. I’ll just pick bad relationship after bad relationship and always make an excuse about it.” She thought about her dad, about Neil. About the other men her mom had dated between the two. Each one seemed to be worse than the next. She didn’t want that for her life. She still wanted to dream that she could be whisked away on a white horse. 

“No, I don’t think you’ll end up like that,” Max spoke as if she was silly, her blue eyes looking at her amused, “I’d also kill anyone that tries to be mean to you.” Max retorted, looking a bit more serious. Kim laughed, but she knew it was true. Max might be her little sister, but she had always been the one to stick up for her. 

“Thank you,” Kim breathed out, feeling a little bit better. She still wished she could tell her about Billy, “I just don’t want to be alone.” Max watched her for a moment before she scooted closer and wrapped her skinny arms around Kim.

“You wouldn’t be alone. You’ll always have me,” Max promised, resting her head against Kim’s shoulder. She curled up against her touch, feeling more comfort than before, “You’re stuck with me.” Max promised. Kim felt a grin rushing to her face, knowing she wouldn’t want to go anywhere without her ornery little sister. 

“Oh god,” Kim pretended to groan, liking the smile that crossed Max’s face, “Forever?” She teased, thinking of the nights their dad had stumbled in at night, too drunk to make it to the bed. 

“Yeah, so get used to it,” Max smiled at her again, “But seriously. You’ll find a guy who really likes you.” Kim exhaled softly, playing with Max’s hair. She looked down at her.

“The problem is I only want this guy,” Kim admitted softly, “He’s all I think about. I want to help him, but I want to be mad at him at the same time. It’s just so complicated.” Kim wasn’t sure how she was supposed to feel anymore. Max looked at her, a hint of mischief in her eyes. Kim held her breath, figuring that whatever she had to say wouldn’t be good. Max never shied away from being petty. 

“So,” Max drew out slowly, a smirk tinting against her lips, “Why don’t you show him what he’s missing?”

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Awareness

Prompts: This isn’t really a prompt more like headcanon that I thought would be cool. Soooo take this and use it as you please or just leave it, whatever strikes your fancy:) Basically instead of Virgil being a dark side before anxiety, anxiety is his dark side. Before he was anxiety he was instead some kind of awareness or watchfulness (either a gray or light side). After the mindscape split or king spilt or some traumatic past event happened Virgil freaked out becoming anxiety. And now as his make up gets lighter he is reverting back to who he was before. Except no one knows who he used to be, thinking anxiety was just created after the past traumatic event.  Anyway, you’re awesome! You’re such a talented writer and I’m glad I stumbled upon your account <3 - anon

Heyo! So, I really wanted to share a headcannon that I think is truly wonderful. Y'know how lots of people stand behind the spider!Virgil headcanon??? Well what if all he has are the hidden eyes and the ability to stick to surfaces. Like, he gets spooked and BAM! He's on the wall, or maybe on the ceiling! It has proba ly scare each side a couple times? I thought I would be really cool! - artwithtoto

Heyo. I don't know if you're taking anprompts anymore, but if you are, I have one for you. {Virgil being a mother hen to the other Sides in small ways and helping them with their anxieties, and overall taking care of the otherSides, then maybe they take care of him.} I thought it would be super cute. :) Thanks for your time. - anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: none

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 3015

There are a few things that people take for granted when it comes to Anxiety. For one, it actually is a healthy amount of anxiety and stress that keeps you alive; fear of death, helps, ties into that whole self-preservation thing Janus is always talking about. Keeps you aware of things too, like deadlines, other people, just a general hey, we exist in a way that has to interact with a bunch of other things, let’s maybe be sensible about it. 

Now, of course, everything in moderation. Too much Anxiety is bad. But, as they’ve discovered, not any at all is also bad. 

Something that the Sides in particular seem to forget is that Virgil’s tied to the general Anxiety in the Mindscape too. That means that when one of them gets scared or starts freaking out about something, whoops, he gets summoned. Most of the time this is fine, odds are they’re having a nightmare or stressing about some project—which is his job, thank you, no stealing his thunder—and he can just get them out of it and sort everything out as much as possible before they both go their separate ways and someone gets some sleep. 

Sometimes it’s a bit more than that. 

Virgil appears outside of Patton’s door one morning. Well, technically it’s morning. He shakes himself off and looks around, orienting himself at this end of the hallway before shaking his head and knocking lightly on the door. 

“Hey, Pat? You in there?”

No response. 

“Patton, I know I got summoned here for a reason, you gonna open the door?”

When silence comes again, Virgil frowns and reaches out to test the knob. His frown deepens when it gives right away and the door swings open with a low creak. 

“Hey, Patton? You okay?”

He glances around, squinting in the darkness, trying to figure out where Patton might be, when he spots the closet door ajar and a pile of clothes outside. He steps a bit closer and the pile shudders. 

“Pop Star? That you?”

“V-Virgil?”

“Yeah, sweetheart, it’s me.” Virgil closes the door gently and crouches, shuffling over to sit next to him on the floor. “What’s going on?”

“It’s silly.”

“You’re upset, that’s not silly.”

Patton’s face—no glasses, he must’ve just woken up—turns and stares at him, small bits of his face a tad shinier than others. Virgil lets out a soft noise and reaches out to brush the tears away. 

“Hey,” he murmurs, wrapping his arms around him, “hey, let’s get you back in bed, okay? Come on, up we go…”

He scoops the little ball of Patton into his arms and carries him back over to the bed, tucking him in and sitting on the edge. 

“What scared you?”

“The…the dark.” Patton glances over his shoulder. “Monsters in the closet.”

“You need me to check?”

“Don’t—“ he grabs his sleeve— “they’ll get you too.”

“What if I stay? Keep watch for you?”

“But you need to sleep too.”

“I’ll sleep here.” Virgil lies down next to him as Patton pulls back the covers, immediately snapping himself into something softer. “Yeah? This okay?”

“…thank you.”

“Hey, it’s okay, Pop Star. Whatever scares you scares you. You don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

Patton smiles, turning over to snuggle into the blankets. Virgil keeps one eye on the closet and one on him as they drift off to sleep. 

2.

Virgil’s yanked abruptly through the ceiling to sprawl on Logan’s bed, wincing when the sharp spiral of a notebook digs into his ribs. “Ow.”

“Virgil? What are you doing here?”

“You tell me, Specs. I was minding my own business scrolling through the Internet and then poof, I’m here.”

As he says that, though, he looks up and realizes the reason Logan’s got notebooks strewn on top of his bed is that his desk is an absolute nightmare. Papers piled up haphazardly, there’s at least three different water bottles he can see, and the desktop of his computer is littered with too many icons. 

“…you know what, nevermind, I know why I’m here.”

Logan sighs, adjusting his glasses. “I certainly don’t. If you could explain it—“

“C’mon, Specs. You know better.”

“I’m not in the mood for any riddles, Virgil, if you could let me get back to work—“

“That’s strike one.”

“Strike one—this isn’t baseball, Virgil, I have several projects I have to—“

“Strike two. C’mon, L, just come over here.”

“…Virgil, I can’t, I have to get these finished. The second draft is due this Friday, I have to give Roman time to—hey!”

“Strike three.” Virgil adjusts his grip on the squirming nerd as he pulls him away from his desk, wrapping his arms around him to prevent any escape. “Stop fighting me. You’re not going to win.”

“Let me go, I need to—“

“You need to stop stressing out about this, that’s what you need to do. Oh, for—L, stop.”

Logan stops, mouth forming a tight line as Virgil rests his chin on his shoulder. After a few more moments of being tightly restrained—or properly cuddled, as Remus likes to call it—he lets out a long breath and sags against Virgil’s chest. 

“Hey, L,” Virgil says quietly, “you need to take a break. You’re gonna work yourself up and then nothing’s gonna get done.”

“…I know.”

“Come on, snack time. What do you want? We got crackers, we got fruit, I’m pretty sure there’re some pretzels left too, if Remus hasn’t eaten all of them.”

“Pretzels sound good.”

“Great. Come walk with me.”

“Thank you,” Logan mumbles as Virgil moves him gently out of the door, “for checking.”

“That’s my job!”

3.

“If you could just—“

“Nope.”

“But I want to—“

“Nope.”

“Virgil, this is ridiculous, I am clearly capable of—“

“No, you’re not.”

“Well, if you could let me go—“

“Nah.”

“You’re not being fair.”

“Mm. Nope.”

“Oh, after all the conversations we’ve had about hearing each other out, did you just decide that no longer applies to you?”

“Not when it comes to you neglecting your health.”

“Neglecting my—bitch, I am the only one who practices regular self-care around here.”

“Which means you know better.”

“Just let me go—“

“You take that thermometer over there and if it tells me you’re within normal limits, I’ll let you up.”

“Fine, fine. Then will you let me go?”

“If that thing says you’re within normal limits, yeah, I’ll let you go.”

“…fine.”

“What’s it say?”

“…I’m still too cold.”

“Mhm. So get your snake ass comfortable ‘cause I’m not letting you up until you can feel all your scales again.”

“I hate you.”

“Liar.”

“…yeah, maybe.”

“Shh, snake-face. Just go to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll kick your ass into taking care of it too, don’t you worry.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Sure.”

“I wasn’t!”

“You should be sleeping.”

4.

Most of the time, Virgil’s normal Side-like appearance is what gives the others the most comfort. They all look pretty much the same, give or take a few things, and it’s a sense of, well, normalcy. It’s not unexpected, it’s not jarring, it’s not going to give them something else to be worried about. 

With Remus, though…

Remus is a tricky little stinker. He’s simultaneously one of the most difficult Sides to interact with and he’s much smarter than he lets on, which means that if you’re having a problem that you can’t quite put the words to, he’s gonna be able to put the words to it and then you’ll have to confront it. 

Blessing and a curse. 

Of course, Remus also has his side of the Imagination to wrestle with and it can get a little…tempestuous. Monsters, ghouls, all the intrusive thought gremlins that make absolute nuisances of themselves and only Remus by and large can deal with them. This means that his understanding of…well, what happens outside of the Imagination is a bit different than everyone else’s. 

So sometimes Virgil gets little pings from Remus when he feels like he’s too much of a freak for the rest of them and that just won’t do. 

Now, Virgil does not make a habit of scaring the other Sides—unless it’s Halloween. This does mean that there are certain parts of him that he doesn’t get to show very often. 

All the Sides, contrary to popular belief, do have some animal-like tendencies. It’s just that the Dark Sides are the ones who show it off more. Remus has his octopus-like and squid-like moments, some Kraken moments in there too, Janus is just a snake—with extra arms because…sure—and Virgil’s a spider. 

Pausing for gasps of shock…

It’s not like he grows a bunch of extra legs, or massive fangs that sprout out of his mouth, although those would be cool. No, he just sticks to walls and has a bunch of extra eyes. 

Spiderman would be much more interesting if he had more eyes. Just saying. 

So when he gets summoned to Remus’s room and finds him mumbling to himself about freaks and monsters and sounding eerily similar to a certain chaos Dorito, he climbs up into a corner of the wall and waits. 

“Who’s there?” Remus’s head whips around. “If that’s one of you, I told you you’re not allowed in here right now. I have shit to do.”

Virgil chitters quietly. Remus’s head swings back and forth. 

“I’m not kidding,” he says again, voice getting higher, “come out now and I’ll take you back home. I’m busy.”

The shriek he gets when Virgil pounces on him from the ceiling is priceless, as is the scrunched-up face and little pout he gets when he realizes who it is. 

“Emo,” he whines, smacking Virgil’s chest, “you scared me!”

“Sure did, little octopus. You gotta be quicker than that.”

“You snuck into my room!”

“Got summoned, actually.” He gives him a mock stern look with eight eyes. “Your voices being mean to you again?”

“…maybe.”

“I’m here to tell them to fuck off. You wanna help?”

Remus nods and a few of his tentacles curl out of his back. Virgil nods approvingly and drags Remus up into his lap, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing him tight. 

“I want you,” he mumbles, “I want you a lot. You’re a good bro.”

“Don’t let Roman hear you say that.”

“You’re both good.”

“I gotcha, little octopus, you just stay right here with me.”

5.

Whoever decided that the creativitwins—he saw it online, it slaps, he’s stealing it—get the most rational fears is a piece of shit. He’ll say it. 

There’s only so much you can do for people who are really, really scared. You can’t just talk them out of it, you can’t just cuddle it away, you’ve really just got to rely on them to ask for when they need help and what exactly they need you to do for them. 

In case this has escaped your notice, Roman is really bad at this. 

This does mean that whenever it gets bad enough for Virgil to actually get summoned, it’s really fucking bad. 

So when Virgil appears in Roman’s room, he’s already swallowing back a curse at the sight of their brave prince, sitting in a heap on the floor, tears streaming down his face. 

“Hey, Princey,” he murmurs, crouching down and reaching out for Roman’s hands, “can you look at me?”

Roman blinks and looks up, sniffling. 

“You scared right now?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay. Thank you for telling me. Can I help?”

He sniffles again, squeezing Virgil’s hands weakly. 

“That a yes, bud? Yeah? Okay. I’m gonna come sit with you. You just keep looking at me, okay? Nowhere, else, just at me. J gave me a new eyeshadow palette, you have a look and tell me what you think of the pigment. Personally, I think it’s a little too desaturated for me, but you’re the color expert.”

As he talks, he carefully loops Roman’s arms around his neck, easing himself to the ground and reaching to resettle Roman’s limbs to prevent any cramps or stiffness. 

“I don’t think my undertones are quite right for it either. I was talking to Remus the other day about eyeliner and really, I think my eyes water too much. I’m all for the disheveled-haven’t-slept-in-a-week eye bags, but I’m not trying to go full Winter Soldier here.”

A tiny laugh. He smiles, reaching out to cup Roman’s face in his hands, tugging them a little closer. 

“Hey,” he says again, brushing away some of the tears. “You’re doing great, okay? Just keep looking at me.”

Roman’s fingers twitch and he takes a shaky breath. “’S a lot.”

“Everything’s a lot right now? That’s okay, Princey, you don’t have to deal with it all right now. I know it’s overwhelming and scary, we’re here for you, remember?”

Roman shakes his head. “’S a lot of eyeshadow.”

Virgil gasps, gently tugging his hair. “How dare you?”

It’s worth it for the watery giggle he gets in return. 

“Unbelievable,” he says, half-scolding, half-complimenting, “you are absolutely unbelievable.”

“Mhm.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“…no?”

“Nah, Princey,” he murmurs, leaning forward to rest their foreheads together, “you’re stuck with us. We’re not going anywhere.”

+1. 

“Hey, Virgil?”

Virgil lets his head lean over the arm of the couch. “What’s up?”

“Your—your eyeshadow. It’s purple.”

“Is it?” He touches his face. “Huh. Didn’t know that was coming back.”

Logan’s book thuds as it closes. “Coming…back?”

“Well, yeah. It hasn’t been like that since…oh, before the Split.”

He glances around as all other sounds in the living room come to a stop.

“What?”

“Your eyeshadow was purple before the Split?” Patton sits up. “Why did it change?”

“Uhh...did you guys not also change when the Split happened?”

“I don’t remember shit from before the Split,” Remus announces proudly as Roman rolls his eyes, “and neither does Ro!”

Roman just wraps his arms tightly around Remus and pulls him closer, setting his chin on his shoulder. “I’m just gonna hang onto this.”

Janus sighs as the twins start playfully pushing each other, turning back to Virgil. “I don’t remember changing, as such, no. Just…becoming me.”

“How is that not changing?”

“In a manner of speaking, are we not all always changing?”

“Okay, that’s enough of that philosophy book,” Logan mumbles, taking it from Janus’s hands, “but I have to agree. I do not remember any significant difference with myself before and after the Split.”

Virgil’s hands pause. “…oh.”

“Kiddo? Did you?”

“Well…yeah. My—my whole thing changed?”

The twins stop too. “What do you mean ‘your whole thing?’” Roman sits up. “Like, your role?”

“I wasn’t always Anxiety.”

You could hear a pin drop. 

“…I thought you guys knew that?” They all shake their heads. “No, I—I used to just be Awareness. Then the Split happened and everybody freaked out and I…”

…changed.

“Whoa, hey.” Remus is suddenly right there. “Hey, Emo, it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

Yeah, yeah, of course it is. Why is Remus talking like that?

“Shh, little one—“ oh, hey Logan, “we’re right here. We still care for you, no matter what your role is.”

Oh. Oh, shit, he hasn’t freaked out about this in a while. 

“Probably because you haven’t had to think about it.”

Thanks, J. 

“You need a cuddle?” Virgil opens his arms and something Patton-shaped fills it. “Hey, kiddo, it’s okay.”

Well, now that he’s realized he’s freaking out, he starts freaking out properly. Sobbing, snotty mess, all over Patton’s shirt. How embarrassing. 

“Don’t be ashamed of needing help,” Roman chides like a hypocrite, which he immediately acknowledges, “don’t be like me and wait until it’s too much to deal with.”

“It’s our turn to take care of you.” Remus ruffles his hair and carefully puts him in Patton’s lap. “You just be a little mess right now, okay?”

“Remus, that’s rude.”

“What? Not all of us can look like tragic heroes when we have breakdowns, Roro.”

“It is unfair how easily you do that.”

“Just let Virge be all messy. He can have a little mess, as a treat.”

Leave it to them to make him laugh when he’s trying to have a breakdown. He buries his head in Patton’s shoulder and yeah, he’s just gonna stay here for a while. 

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[valkerymillenia]

Finally had the appointment with the psychiatric specialist. Had to get up at 6am and go to a whole other city but I got it.

He was a guy (not the actual doctor I was supposed to see because she's on medical sabbatical). And he was nice but I am awkward with strangers and there were some things... Look, I just hate medical gender bias and there was a little here.

But most of all, there was... Some ableism?

Don't get me wrong, he was good and proper and did his job, he was also nice (and very young), but I was there for an ADHD and autism screening so I could have an official documented diagnosis and, well, there was quite a bit of gender bias about these disorders... And a significant amount of unconscious ableism too.

I'm already being treated for these things but my current doctors (psychiatrist, psychologist, and GP) don't have expertise in this area because these disorders aren't usually diagnosed in adulthood and that is their field, and this guy is the "expert" so we need his stamp on the matter just to dot the i's.

Turns out we didn't have enough time for all the tests because someone messed up and scheduled this as a follow-up appointment instead of an assessment but we made do. Here's my problem though: he only wanted to focus on the ADHD.

Also, he ignored a lot of details I was trying to put on the table but I might be reading too much into this.

According to him, yes, I definitely have ADHD and it's good that I'm already testing the medication for it but he wants to see what else he can do and if he can fix the side effects, but we didn't really have enough time for a full evaluation so he sent me home with a bunch of written tests to take so he can check them next month and have a more concise idea of my issues.

He also cut some of the older medication I had that is now obsolete with the new stuff.

I'm fine with all that. Grateful even.

But I wanted to talk about the autism diagnosis, I've been trying to approach this with doctors for years, I've desperate to be heard ever since I learned just how strongly the symptoms applied to me every since I was born, I'm been desperate ever since I discovered the gender bias in diagnosing females, I did so much research and talked to other autistic people and associations that gave emotional support, but the doctors keep brushing it off, not because they don't agree but because they literally don't want to talk about autism in general, they don't even wasn't to explain why they don't want to talk about it, the stigma is just too big.

Eventually, this is what this doc said:

"Look, autism is a spectrum and all so it's complicated. You definitely have serious autistic traits for sure but I don't think we should test you for it, there's no point because you're an adult and you've already learned coping mechanisms and masking the hard way, you struggled a lot but you're here, there's really not much else we can do help with and not much treatment we can give for this so why saddle you with a bad label?"

Like, it's so ableist. He totally missed the point? I told him I don't really care about what treatment they can give me, I just want confirmation because:

1. there's safety in labels, much more comforting to know I'm normal zebra and not a failed horse,

2. having the diagnosis gives me access to more information and a better ability to find good coping mechanisms and helpful tools for my daily life,

3. having the diagnosis allows me to find community and get mutual help and support without judgement,

4. having an official diagnosis helps me get certain amenities (or at least understanding) to make my life easier, be it with work or family life, even with social security or at certain events,

5. and finally, just because I survived my childhood without a label and found a way to blend in with neurotypicals doesn't mean that's a good thing (I was horribly bullied and abused for a reason), it doesn't mean that I'm currently happy pretending to be what society expects, doesn't mean it's not fucking exhausting, doesn't mean I don't deserve validation for my struggles.

But noooo, his whole focus was on "we can't medicate to FIX it so why bother" and on "what people would think of you if you had that label".

Bitch, I don't care about either of those, I don't care what people think of me, I care what I think of me, and autistic is not a slur, contrary to what people in this country seem to think! I just want to understand myself and my own struggles, and whenever I get harassed for being different I want to be able to defend myself with this knowledge.

For fucks sake, just test me and show some support!

I stg the doctors in this country are so scared of the word "autism", it's insulting.

[witherbythesword]

NSFW Text, please don't judge

cn: piss drinking, somnophilia, cnc elements, throatfucking, petplay

want to wake up from a nightmare and calm myself with wrappinh my mouth around my partners sex. Just my head on their thigh, gently cockwarming them, maybe my tongue lazily plays with them just to taste them and because I can't hold back as my brain gets all nice and fuzz just from this ♡ feeling all tension leave my body as all my senses start to be flooded by them. Their smell, their taste, their warmth and soft breathing as they continue to sleep. My whole world being just them. ⁠♡

All thats keeping me from just giving them head is that they need their sleep :c

I almost drift off myself but then they slowly start stirring awake. One of their hands just flying to menkn instinct to check what is happening there.

As an answer I swirl my tongue around their half hard cock. The hand on my head now grippingnme by the hair to keep me from moving.

We look at each other and he gently smiles, making me heart flutter. cupping me face and asking me if I want my special morning drink.

Blushing and almost nut able to look at him I nod eagerly and wrap my lips around his cock again with a soft moan. He gently pets my hair and a little groan escaped him when the pressure in his blatter eases.

My brain completly switching off, the taste not my fav and so strong but all I feel is this intense connection to him thats rooting me into place. He's my Dom. This is a part of him in me. Him marking me as his in such a beautiful way.

My subby mind clicks on and I all I feel is a mix of heat and pleasure. My endless want to make my action, body and brain a testemony to my devotion to him overtakes with this beautiful calmness.

He praises me again as he finishes up and asks me to clean him up. ugh damn ⁠˶ﾉ-ﾉ⁠˶

He asks me if I'm in my headspace and i nod. Petting my head again he grabs a collar and a leash to put on me and tells me I can be his good pet today but he has to leave for work and I have stuff to do too, so he doesn't want me to neglect that.

I follow him around all morning on all fours. softly meowing at him when I need his attention (alot) and just clinging to him whenever it's not too inconventient (alot lot)

food, getting ready for the day, getting my unruly hair brushed by him and feeling him glow with pride has he gets better and better at it and purr and kiss him a bunch.

until he slaps my ass and tells me to wait for him at the door.

I go kneel in my place, pouting because I don't want him to leave. Thinking about the spongebob meme of "what do you usually do when spomgebob isn't there?" - "wait for him to come back" thinking about even just knowing he is in the same place as me makes it all feel a little softer and warmer and better.

I see him come to me. I help him put on his shoes. This is a routine we perfected. Just a team. His way of allowing me to say goodbye in a way that feels good for us both.

He bands down and kisses me ontop of my head as i cling around his legs for the last time. Looking at the clock he tells me what a good little pet I've been this morning. We got done with everything so quickly, that we still have some time.

his hand fingers start playing with my mouth. gently prying it open, playing with my tongue as i whine in need.

when he stops my mouth is open wide for him, my tongue out in ready as he frees his cock.

I lick it base to tip, my hand cupping his balls as i gently start sucking his tip, swirling my tongue around it and feeling him harden in my mouth. Getting so needy just from this a shiver of pleasure runs through me.

Again he grips my hair and pulls me off of him. taking a step forward to pin my head between the wall in my back and him, slowly starting to fuck into me.. testing my gag reflex for the day, slowly spreading my throat around his cock.. and when I am ready he starts fucking into me.

Allowing me to just concentrate on sucking and my tongue and breathing.. completly lost to his controll ♡ whenever he swears or moans a bolt of want going through me.

mimicing swalloing so my throat contracts around him, milking him for his cum until he finally fully burries himself in me ♡

taking a last few moments to steady himself (and a trip to the bathroom) we say goodbye for good.

But the thought of his piss and cum in me keeps me feeling owned and happy all day.

[therecordconnection]

"Here's to the Damned, to the Lost and Forgotten": "People Like Us" From Doom Patrol, S01xE08

When I had heard the news that confirmed Doom Patrol was cancelled and that the second half of its fourth season (coming out at some point later this year) would be the last hurrah, I got really sad. Shows get cancelled all the time and I don't normally get upset, but this was different. It's kinda like how Ron Swanson felt after he found out Lil Sebastian died. If it was anyone else, he wouldn't have cared. But Lil Sebastian was different. Lil Sebastian meant something to Ron in a way that no old bureaucrat ever could.

Let me just say it right now: Doom Patrol was the greatest superhero show I've ever seen, maybe the greatest superhero show I will ever see.

If you are completely unfamiliar with the show, I will give you a (spoiler free!) rundown of what the show is about. Doom Patrol follows the story of five characters: Larry Trainor/Negative Man, Cliff Steele/Robotman, "Crazy" Jane Morris, Victor Stone/Cyborg, and Rita Farr/Elasti-Woman (all pictured below).

Each of them have traumatic pasts and each were involved in accidents that gave them unique metahuman abilities but also left them all disabled and/or atypical in a very unique but true-to-life way. Cliff is a former race car driver who gets in a car accident but survives and lives on as a brain in a robot body (prosthetics). Rita Farr is an actress from the 1950s who is exposed to a strange toxin underwater during a film shoot that causes her to become a blob-like creature that sometimes loses control of her physical form (mobility). Jane has sixty-four distinct personalities, each with their own superpower (neurodivergent). Larry was an Air Force pilot who got horribly burned via exposure from radiation while testing an experimental space shuttle and eventually becomes tethered to an electrical spirit from another dimension (physical). Victor was involved in an explosion that blew off most of his body parts until his father uses experimental tech to turn him into a mix of half-man, half-machine (prosthetics). All of them (except Victor) are found and put in the care of Dr. Niles Caulder/"The Chief", a brilliant old scientist confined to a wheelchair. In short, this show follows a group of very broken people as they attempt to heal and deal with their respective traumas and try to come together as a superhero team. Even shorter, it's a show about atypical/disabled/neurodivergent characters who are seeking redemption and a chance to rebuild their lost lives with the shitty hands they've been dealt.

The show skips the whole "there is nothing wrong with us" conversation and gets right to the brass tax: There is something very wrong with each of them. The robotman can't feel anything except for emotions (read: mostly anger at being a brain trapped in a tin can), the actress has to deal with her face and limbs melting into a blob that can consume and crush people when under emotional duress, "Jane" is only one of sixty-four others that can come out to play whenever they choose, the former pilot will give everyone radiation poisoning if the bandages come off, and the cyborg has PTSD and some issues with a computer running his brain half the time. To the public at large, they're a bunch of walking freaks. To us, they are a rag tag bunch of misfits that represent and, in a way, stand up for the people who are atypical, the people who are different, and, most importantly, the people who have been brushed off and discarded by society.

A lot of their struggles involve dealing with a soulless government organization known as "The Bureau of Normalcy," which wants anybody who is even slightly abnormal removed from the world. I admit that the Bureau's role on the show and even the name is a little too on the nose, but it serves its purpose and sends the message the show wants to send loud and clear: Being different, whether you're born a certain way or have to endure a disease/issue that you didn't ask for, there is still beauty to be found and people who will love you regardless of what you look like, sound like, or have to endure in order to live your day to day life. Doom Patrol was a show that was on the side of the abnormal. It celebrated those that get stared at in public. It celebrated the people who are deemed weirdos and freaks because of their gender presentation or sexuality. It celebrated the people who manage to find hope in a world that would rather see them removed. There is a genuine and wonderfully human beauty to be found in this very weird show that contains robots, wizards, cults, a talking mouse and a cockroach who is a religious fanatic, carnivorous butts, sex ghosts, a man who is a triple combo of animal, vegetable, and mineral, a strange time lord that thinks humanity peaked on August 6th, 1980, and Alan Tudyk playing the snarkiest narrator/villain god I've ever seen in a television show. I will recommend this show until the day I die.

After the news hit, I began thinking about whether there's one single moment that will define the show for me, one moment that serves as the show's thesis statement. I ended up finding three scenes, but I'll write about one of them now and maybe save the other two for another time. Anyway, for me, if there's one scene that I think will define and illustrate what Doom Patrol wanted to do and who it wanted to celebrate, I think the scene posted at the top of this post is what it will be. I'll be getting into spoilers for the show from here so if you have any interest and it wasn't obvious already, I highly recommend watching the show. With that out of the way, I'd like to talk about Larry Trainor/Negative Man singing a Kelly Clarkson song with a drag queen in a cabaret that exists on a sentient, genderqueer street named Danny.

So, Season 1, Episode 8 is an episode called "Danny Patrol." Throughout the first season, we learn that Larry Trainor's (played by Matt Bomer) full backstory is this: he was a handsome ace pilot with the U.S. Air Force in the early 1960s living all the hallmarks of the American Dream. His only issue is that he's a gay man living a lie, being married to his wife, Sheryl, and being a father to their two kids, Gary and Paul. But unbeknownst to his family, Larry is having a love affair with John Bowers, one of his colleagues. After his accident leaves him a completely hideous looking radioactive man (similar in look to Deadpool), he spends decades conflicted about all the things he hid from. He regrets the secrets he hid from his family and the pain he caused them, he regrets not being fully emotionally open with John and pushing him away after the accident left him radioactive and ugly as all hell, and he regrets flying the experimental rocket plane that turned him into Negative Man. Of all the Doom Patrol members, Larry is the one who hides from the world the most, quite literally in the sense of him being bandaged from head to toe and still keeping his sexuality hidden from the world.

In "Danny Patrol," Larry and Victor Stone find themselves investigating Danny the Street, a sentient, genderqueer street that is being hunted by the Bureau of Normalcy. Larry and Victor agree to help, as Danny might have information on the whereabouts of their missing chief, Niles Caulder (who disappeared with the villainous Mr. Nobody earlier in the season.) While exploring Danny, Larry enters "Peeping Tom's Perpetual Cabaret," a building that hosts drag shows. The happiness found in this building fuels Danny and allows them to thrive. Prior to Larry and Victor entering Danny, we are introduced to the origin story of drag queen Maura Lee Karupt (played by Alan Mingo, Jr.) Maura Lee was originally Morris Walker, a bureau agent tasked with infiltrating Danny the Street and eliminating them. One visit to Peeping Tom's later and Morris (now Maura Lee) embraces who she feels she truly is and leaves the bureau behind in order to remain on Danny the Street.

In the Cabaret, Larry is asked by one of the drag queens to get up and sing for them. He responds, "I don't sing." Larry is told that in order for Danny to keep going, the party has to keep going. Larry agrees and approaches the stage. Danny (who can only "speak" through rearranging words on signs or flashing them on spotlights) gives Larry the encouraging message, "Don't Worry, Larry. I got you." Once on stage, Larry begins the opening to Kelly Clarkson's "People Like Us":

We come into this world unknown But know that we are not alone They try and knock us down But change is coming, it's our time now

In any other show, eye rolls and groans would start at the idea of a TV show stopping to deliver a seemingly random musical number. For Doom Patrol, a musical number is the least weird thing that occurs. By the time you've reached "Danny Patrol," the idea of an old gay man who walks around looking like the Invisible Man singing a Kelly Clarkson song isn't out of the realm of possibility. You don't even bother questioning how or why Larry even knows the song, he just does. Just roll with it.

If Larry Trainor had to sing a song, Clarkson's "People Like Us" is a perfect choice for him. From the opening lines quoted above right until the end, it's perfect.

Hey, everybody loses it Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes And hey, yeah I know what you're going through Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive

The song is important to Larry's character and he's the Doom Patrol member best suited to deliver a message like this. He's the one member that doesn't really want to get involved in things at all and for the first few episodes struggles with even wanting to be alive. What's the point of living if you're stuck being a bandaged freak that can't really get close to anyone? What's the point of living if you have to hide who you really are? Which in Larry's case is being a gay man in a world that didn't accept him back when he was growing up in the fifties, and only marginally accepts him now. Being radioactive certainly doesn't help things. If any Doom Patrol member was going to tell you, "Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive," it would be the most convincing coming from Larry, a man who has been through absolute hell––he gets tortured and experimented on for years by the Bureau of Normalcy in the sixties––and is still alive to tell you about it.

Right before the chorus starts, Larry looks towards Maura Lee in the audience and invites her to join him on stage, which she does. The pre-chorus of the song is where the heart of the show really comes out. Larry and Maura Lee deliver these lines with gusto:

Oh, people like us we've gotta stick together Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom

These lines are representative of whom and what Doom Patrol wanted to celebrate: the damned, the lost, and the forgotten. At it's core, Doom Patrol is a show about truly odd outcasts and misfits learning to realize that all they have are each other. If they don't look after each other, nobody will, because "normal people" don't give a shit about them. Though the show focuses on comic book characters with superpowers, the metaphor works for marginalized groups in the real world. For example, it's called the LGBTQ+ community for a reason. The people within that community have to look out for each one another, because there's no guarantee that anybody else will.

During the performance, Larry is temporarily shown as human again. No bandages, no goggles, no need to hide. It's the first time in the series that Larry looks genuinely happy gets to be who he is without any fear. The look on his face and the way he's beaming when he watches Maura Lee perform the second verse is pure bliss. It's a little cheesy and it's even a little hokey, but Bomer and Mingo, Jr. are so damn committed to bringing the song to life that you don't get anything but genuineness out of them. It's colorful and full of life and full of beauty. It's one of the show's most heartfelt scenes and one that I hope will define the show once its all fully said and done. The show uses the song as a message of defiance and perseverance in the face a world that casts out the weird, the odd, the different, the broken. Larry and Maura Lee sell it perfectly:

They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed So throw your fists in the air Come out, come out if you dare Tonight we're gonna change forever

We are what we choose to be and fuck anybody that tries to take that away. That's the message Larry and Maura Lee want to spread. "You won't break us, no matter how hard you try. There is beauty in being different and Doom Patrol argues that a better world is one where those that are different are just as loved and just as embraced as those that are "normal."

Beyond Larry and Maura Lee, even Cliff Steele/Robotman gets in on the fun a bit during the song. During the episode, Cliff and Rita travel to deal with one of Jane's more dangerous personalities, Karen, a woman who believes life is one big rom-com and is using hypnotism to keep a boyfriend submissive to her and her whims. During that trip, Cliff sees a little boy riding by slowly on a bicycle. The boy stares at him and Cliff thinks its because the boy is scared of him or thinks he's a freak. Later, while Larry and Maura Lee are performing their song, we cut back to the boy returning to Cliff, this time in a makeshift robot costume made out of cardboard, to show that he also wants to be a cool robot like him. Cliff is shown teaching the boy some cool robot dance moves. You can't help but have a big smile on your face during that.

The whole damn song is an optimistic showstopper, which is something that DC needed for a long time. In a modern era where Batman is too dark and gritty for his own good, Wonder Woman retired and walked away from mankind for one hundred years for some reason, and Superman kills people (fuck Zack Snyder, by the way), it's beautiful that there's a DC property like Doom Patrol provides a reminder that no matter how dark things get, we have to try and keep going. "You've just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher." The Doom Patrol are heroes not because they perform outstanding feats and save the day, but because they inspire people to keep going, even when the chips are down. Their continued presence in our world is proof enough that even those who are dealt the shittiest hands can find ways to keep going, even in the face of impossible odds. Even though the sequence ends with it being revealed that the song didn't happen and Larry repeats, "I don't sing," you're still happy that for just one single moment, Larry got to live out a fantasy. He got to be free. He got to be happy. And everybody deserves that. Even radioactive men who are covered head to toe in bandages.

Doom Patrol's greatest triumph will forever be that it gave a home to the bizarre and the weird, and celebrated them. It not only has a love for its strange cast of characters, but it embraces those characters, warts and all. Though they're all superpowered and clearly ripped out of the pages of an old comic book, there is something so wonderfully human about the Doom Patrol. They struggle just the same as any of us. They battle inner demons, sexuality, trauma, disability, and more, just the same as any of us. They don't win at the end of every episode, but they do make a little progress each time they grace our screens. They help each other, they love each other. They remind us that we're all we've got and we've got to take care of one another. Doom Patrol's thesis statement is that there is beauty to be found in the lost and the forgotten. The Doom Patrol is DC's best kept secret. They're out there and you can find them if you know where to look. If you seek out the strange and the bizarre, you'll eventually find them. The Doom Patrol, both in the show and in the comics, are weird and different and strange. They're a unique superhero team unlike any other. I will miss them when they disappear from television, but my life is better for knowing that they're out there, standing up for the broken and the different.

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten.

Here's to the Doom Patrol. Thank you for what has been a truly unforgettable experience for me.

[weirdo-autumn]

Okay so I've been thinking whether or not to post something about this medieval au a friend and I made up a while ago and to just, ramble. A lot. So here I am- sick at home ( been sick for the past few days actually and it ｓｕｃｋｓ) and wanting to talk about it, right now, at this moment

( note this may contain spoilers for some of the show like s2 and such so uh uh, yeah- )

Ignoring my handwriting- it may be harder to read because of the brush I used, which I use for my sketches before linart, but BASICALLY those are just little notes I wanted to add in for absolutely no reason but did anyway-

Okayso, months ago ( possibly a YEAR ago I think- ) I found some old character designs of the main characters on this show ( if you wanna know what the link is or just want some pictures, I will GLADLY show you if you want!!! THEY'RE SO COOL!!! ) , by Beatrice Blue, the art directior of the show, her art is SO PRETTY BTW- and she was testing a cardboard mask with Wolfboy so I was like, that'd be fun, and thought it looked really really cool and I did the thing, BUT later on in the au it would change to the usual one since the cardboard one would somehow get ruined or something, and his mom would gift him that one. And Wolfboy basically bumps into Xandra and Sprout becsuse Xandra quiet literally threw her shield at him ( he is SAFE btw ) and becsuse he can SEE them, Sprout's like " can we take him with us? " and Xandra instantly turned the idea down, but they bickered on for a while amd Wolfboy is just kinda standing there, Processing what situation he got himself into, he just wanted to save the little cloud- Xandra says yes after a whilebut man does she feel BETRAYED

Okay now about Xandra and Sprout, Sprout is a prince but also not a prince, his family is like a bunch of well-known farmer nobles snd Xandra is like a guard to said family, mostly Sprout, he wears a ( fake ) crown and cape, just because, kinda like Xandra, who would be way more guarded and protective than in the actual show, because she is kinda like a guardian spryte already but not YET yet, just guard of a noble farmer family, I totally forgot to add her little gem that would change into a shield on her but but she has that tooheh. Prince but also not a prince and a guard who is slso not a guard that is their whole thing in this auHAHA, who are also have a sibling relationship, cheering one another on and comforting each other AND ALSO SPROUT HAS THESE HEALING POWERS I ALMOST FORGOT, sometimes he and Xandra practice in their freetime, fighting off disarrays or healing, snd helping each other as they do so, and when Wolfboy comes around and find out he can control the wisps like sprytes all THREE OF THEM practice their fighting/healings skills and such, my friend came up with this idea btw!!!

Now, about Seth ( a character that later comes up in S2, love her ), I'm honestly still thinking more about this au but I'll give what I have- I think it would be interesting if Seth was one of Nyx's guards, and she would be secretly watching the trio from really dark corners where she wouldn't be seen because is she was.... Chaos. But anyway Seth would basically be ALMOST caught every now and then but becsuse she can use her hair to sorta make her invisible, she's mostly not seen, she would give any important information/updates to Nyx since she is her queen, the one she has to listen to, BUT Seth doesn't trust her. At all, Seth is only doing what is told because for her safety, she doesn't want to get hurt like who wouldn't.

I like to think that the Spryte Relam is, instead of the Everything "factory", it would be a CASTLE, and the Spryte Elders would be like kings and queens of said castle, along with the Disarray Relam- in the show, Nyx is known to be the queen of that relam since she was trapped there for years, she has her own guards, nobles, people etc... The Spryte Relam is kinda like that but the factory is now a castle filled with labs, dorms, rooms, portal DOORS instead of the usual portals that would lead to the human relam, and that's pretty much all I have, for NOW. I may have more ideas later on who knows

I have this whole drawing planned based on this au, it's a redrsw but as of this moment I'm getting a totally different idea ohmygod ( update, I have TWO now )

Thank you for coming to my ted talk, whether you read this WHOLEEEE thing or not, thank you ^^ I do wanna post more on here but everytime I say that I disappear like I never even did, but it's true, I wanna post and talk on here more somehowhehe

Thank you again for reading my rambling, have a good day/afternoon/evening/night :D

[sankta-starkova]

LETTERMAN

024; most likely too

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summary: the one where ej and andy realise that there may be some romantic feelings between them that hadn't been there before, or had they? the new year test this revelation

wordcount: 1.4k

The group all sat there in rehearsal, Andy yawning at how early in the morning it was.

"Hi, thank you all for coming to rehearsals in the morning. I know its a crazy day with the career fair and all but given all your behavior last week, I believe we are lucky to be rehearsing at all," Miss Jenn explained.

They could all hear the disappointment in her voice at the way that they had acted.

"Okay. I'm just gonna say it, Zack Roy stole out Beast mask. Why are you not freaking out?" Carlos questioned.

Andy nodded her head in agreement. EJ kept reaching over, brushing his finger against hers and smiling innocently whenever she shot him a glance telling him to stop or they'd expose themselves.

"Because winners don't freak out Carlos," Miss Jenn said, nodding her head, "When they go low, we sing high,

"Uh, have either of you seen Nini?" Ricky asked Big Red and Andy who were on either side of him.

"Every time I open Instagram," Big Red said, holding up his phone to show Ninis singing page.

"I think he means here in school," Andy explained and Big Red nodded his head.

"Okay let's rehearse. EJ, remember where you are emotionally, Belle has just rebuked your marriage proposal and LeFou is rallying the guys to boost you back up. Let's hit it," she said.

"Dont forget to start on your left foot at the start of the chorus," Gina said, turning to EJ and Andy.

"Thank you. Anything else?" He asked and Gina nodded.

"Dont be distracted by your girlfriend, I dont care how secret you two are, his heart eyes are gonna give it away," Gina said, smiling at them.

Andy felt the blush growing on her cheeks and she looked away, hoping that nobody had heard that.

"And don't fall over," Andy suggested, EJ laughed, smiling at her.

Every day it was becoming more and more difficult to not show their relationship off but he wanted Andy to feel comfortable, and if she wanted to wait a little while to tell everyone. He'd wait, he'd wait a hundred years for her if he had to.

Andy and Gina walked over to the stands, sitting in front of Ashlyn who cheered Big Red on.

Seb started playing the song and Big Red started singing. Everyone cheered him on.

It was hard for Andy to take her eyes off of EJ, despite the fact that Big Red was acing the performance.

Everyone applauded for them, EJ getting up at his part, "As a specimen yes I'm intimidating," he sang, flexing his muscles and shooting Andy a wink.

They continued to sing, Andy blushing profoundly at his gesture. "When I said don't be obvious, I didn't mean show of your muscles and flirt with your girlfriend," Gina said.

Andy chuckled, her face still burning as she looked at EJ. Gina smiled at her friend, the two laughing about it before focusing on his and Big Red performance.

He started juggling a bunch if eggs, everyone applauding him and Big Red. The boys were amazing, nobody able to compare to their talent.

"Dancers, glorious. Big Red, hilarious. And EJ, victorious," Miss Jenn said and he smiled, everyone applauding.

"Nice emotional connection to the material," Carlos said. EJ had the biggest grin on his face, smiling at the fact that he finally managed to get that right.

He had been wanting to be able to grow as an actor ever since and it was nice to know he'd finally gotten it right.

"And as much as I hate to break that connection, I'm afraid I'm the bearer of some bad news," Mr Mazzara said as he walked in, "We just got a call from the disciplinary board of an organisation I'm not sure even exists,"

He then explained that the production had to be shut down for a week as punishment for the trespassing. Everyone gasped, even though North High received the same punishment.

"Miss Jenn, we can't lose a whole week when we haven't even started blocking the second act yet," Carlos stated.

"We are going to keep our heads down and our chins up," she said unconvincing.

"I don't...I don't think thats physically possible," Seb said, trying to do it himself.

"Its an expression Sebastian," Miss Jenn scolded, not seeing the hurt expression on Sebs face as she said that.

The school bell rang and EJ and Andy started walking to the next lesson, Andy complementing him on everything.

He had the biggest grin on his face as they talked about the rehearsal. She sat down in class, him sitting in front of her.

They sat there, EJ turning around to talk to Gina, Carlos, Andy and Seb, "Do guys have any guesses on the guest speaker?" He asked.

"Unless it's Alan Menken himself coming to apologise for what happened to us, I'm not here," Carlos explained.

"Ooh, I would die if it was like, Greta Gerwig," Seb said, a huge smile on his face.

"As long as she brings Timothée Chalamet or Saiorse Ronan, they're so hot," Andy said, her and Seb smiling at each other, "And great actors of course,"

"You know you're not picking the person, right?" Carlos questioned, Seb shrugging his shoulders.

There was something weird going on between the duo and Andy had only just noticed it.

"Whoever it is, I'm sure they'll remind us to seize the day and then let it go," EJ said, Andy nodding.

"Every year, same speech, but I'm still rooting for it being Satan one year," she confirmed, EJ smiling at her.

He laughed at her silly little joke and she looked over at him.

It was surprising that everyone hadn't noticed how head over heels he was for her yet with all those grins and flirty looks.

"Class, class, I am thrilled to present one of East High most generous benefactors," their teacher said as a man walkes in.

Andy saw EJ tense up instantly. It was his dad. She reached over - because she sat behind him - and gently squeezed his shoulder before watching him sink down into his chair.

"Mr Cash Caswell with tips on success in life," Mrs Day explained and everyone applauded except for Andy and EJ.

"Called it," Andy whispered to herself, talking about the fact that she knew Satan was visiting today.

"Students, its an honour. Success is all about legacies. The ones that we inherit, the ones that we build," he explained.

Andy couldn't see EJ's face but she knew he was uncomfortable, he never was happy when his dad was around.

"I'm lucky to have a son that carries the Caswell name with pride," he explained, "In fact, I wasn't going to do this today but come on up here Eej,"

EJ looked around before standing at the front of the class, "This isn't gonna go well," Andy said to Gina who was sitting next to her.

"Oh come on, his dad seems like an okay guy," Gina said, not knowing what Andy knew.

She had known him for so long and had known the family that she knew what Cash Caswell could be like. He was manipulative and a had person to him.

"Just wait," she said, staring at EJ at the front. She gave him a reassuring smile, one that he struggled to return.

"My father gave me this when I got into Duke, now its yours," Cash said and EJ looked at it confused

Everyone applauded, Andy joining in but seeing that her boyfriend was clearly distressed.

She knew that he hadn't gotten in. She had been there to comfort him when it had happened so she was confused what was going on now.

Cash whispered something in EJs ear before EJ sat down, holding his Duke jumper in his hands and putting on a fake smile.

"Now, how many of you are familair with the phrase, seize the day?" Cash asked.

"You okay?" Andy whispered, leaning over her desk.

He looked back at her, shaking his head, "I'm fine," he said. She wanted to just reach over and pull him into a hug and promise everything was gonna be okay but she couldn't.

She knew that there was something going on here and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

Taglist:

@maggiecc @hesfasttandshesweird

[drcornwater]

Health Update

For the last year or so, I've been experiencing seizure like symptoms that's altered my life more than I ever could have thought.

It started in April 2022. I got up from my computer chair to grab some coffee while at work (I work from home) and suddenly my eyes went blurry and my knees were weak. I made it to the kitchen counter but knew something was going on so I put my cup down and tried to get back to my chair only a few feet away from me.

I didn't make it and fell to the floor. My head had what felt like pressure in it and it had just exploded out of me. I woke up to carpet burn on my forehead and with my head about 3 inches from my computer chair wheels. I always think about how close I was to whacking my head on those sharp ass wheel covers whenever I think about it.

After that first time, I started having what seemed to be seizures regularly. I would be kind of aware of what was going on, but I was locked out of my body as it seized. I'd slur and get really drooly after one and sometimes I'd just be bedridden for a whole day. I had experienced something similar when I was a teen and in my early 20s, but it was sort of brushed off by my doctor at the time. It went away as I grew older so I never thought about it afterwards.

So after months of waiting and anxiety, I finally got tested in an inpatient epilepsy monitoring unit. Basically that means I was strapped to an EEG for 24 hours to monitor my brain activity and catch an episode as it happened to see if it was epilepsy or something else. After a day, the doc came in and said I had Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures.

To quote the above link:

Psychogenic nonepileptic seizure (PNES) involves attacks that resemble epilepsy-related seizures in symptoms and signs, but abnormal electrical activity in your brain doesn’t cause them. Instead, the seizures are a physical reaction to underlying psychological distress.

It's a conversion disorder, meaning my brain has a hard time dealing with extreme stress or anxiety and manifests it physically. It's linked to trauma, personality disorders, and other types of mental issues. I def fall under Trauma and Mental Illness so I wasn't super shocked I was diagnosed with this lmao.

I'm deeply committed to treatment for this. I want to get better. I need to get better. I have a future waiting for me and I want to get there.

This has obviously all been stressful on its own so it feels like it's an ouroboros eating itself. I've missed so much work and the travel to appointments is brutal at times. My partner is so stressed all the time and I feel like a burden with how much she has to dedicate her time to me. I was supposed to get my driver's license when we moved up here, but I can't drive for a year after having a seizure so I'm not doing that anytime soon. We had to move bc I can't make enough money working due to being part time and missing days of work consistently. It just feels like there's more being added onto the plate every month.

And then today

I um. I...

fuck man

I just got out of a meeting with my HR person at work. We talked about how much work I'm missing and how my metrics aren't great and I'm not meeting expectations. There's a lot more going on than just my health at work, but they only see my health issues and want to stick with that. It doesn't matter that everything outside of my health is affecting work.

So my HR person put two options on the table:

I go through the process of filing ADA accommodations. It's a long process where my doctor has to sign off on my ability to work and there's a bunch of paperwork involved and a lot of effort on both sides (me and my work). They made it very obvious they do not want to go down this route.

2. I quit and they can just dust off their hands and move on.

It doesn't really feel like I have a choice at this point. They put a lot of emphasis on how much effort the ADA process is and made quitting more appealing. I know they want to get rid of me and this is them saying "we can get rid of you the easy way or the hard way" since they can't fire me due to health issues legally.

I mean, and they're right. What options do I have? I can't work and it's been proven. I can't. I just can't meet those expectations and I'm taking up a spot for someone who can. I've proved to myself and everyone around me that I literally cannot work in my condition. I've tried and it's just not possible.

The thing that really rubs me is that they have no idea what losing this job means for me. They think I can just leave this job and I'll be able to focus on my health and make the right choices for myself. But really, it completely fucks the plans we made moving up here. I will have to wait for months or even years for disability to kick in, I can't get unemployment after the pandemic bc of complicated reasons, and there's no way I can get another job like this with the flexibility it provided. They see this as the best option when really, it totally destabilizes any security I have in my personal life. I don't have any other options but to keep trying to work.

So much has been taken from me by this fucking medical condition. It's so hard to not be bitter or angry. I had to move in with my in-laws, become financially desperate, and now I've lost my job. I feel like I have nothing of my own left to give at this point. What more could it possibly take? The only thing it hasn't stolen is my relationship and that's the thing I worry most about.

I feel destitute and scared. My entire life has been taken from me in the span of less than a year. It's difficult to describe how hopeless this has left me at times.

So here I am, 10 years later after first experiencing these and I'm in a shockingly similar situation: No job, living with parents, and relying on others for everything. I feel like a fucking loser. I did then, and I feel it now.

But I'm keeping my head up. I have a lot of support and I want to get better. Sarah has been my rock and is the one thing propelling me forward. I can't give up on her. She's put so much effort and love into helping me out on this journey and that just makes me want to push farther every day.

Just send some love my way. I really need it right now. I'm not sure where to go from here but it looks like I'll have to contact Daddy Government again to get on disability. I don't want to have to go through that process, but I feel like it'll be a slam dunk. Hopefully the process isn't dragged on like it is known to.

I can do this.

[clarityofblue]

I wonder if there are more of these, I've been fascinated by these pictures from when I first saw them, like, a billion years ago.

If I could afford it, I would do so much micro-photography, maybe not as zoomed in as these, but definitely with my rock collection, because then I could get rid of a whole bunch of rocks lol.

On a random note, I helped out with a university summer science week for senior high school students during the main school holidays back home in AoNZ, with the geology department. One of the activities we did with kids was to collect a sandstone rock from the peninsula up the coast, bring it back, do the whole 'extract the fossil plankton (like, foraminifera or ostracods, etc.) from the rock and then set the kids to 'picking' the micro-fossils from the results. The kids were so happy just spending an hour or two randomly picking tiny fossils of this processed rock mix, and I remember being much the same during my geology undergrad. I mean, I was shite at the technical stuff, and identifying anything (I literally would rather dig up fossils and prep them, than figuring out all the science around them lol), because hyper-fixating, but it was fascinating and somewhat relaxing!

I'm a binocular/stereo microscope! I'm what you use to scout out your 'picks'. I'm going to give you headache after headache when you hyper-fixate on 'picking' microfossils...

After you've smashed up your rock, and boiled it, effectively 'disaggregating' (pulling the rock apart, like, a lot) with dish soap and some other chemical I can't remember, you're left with something similar to this. Oh, and you have to dry it out first, like, under heat lamps.

Then, spread a bit of the fossil/rock remnant mix onto a tray, like below (though, we had round ones that for the life of my I cannot find a picture of on the net #lesigh),

and using a super-fine paintbrush, (and sometimes we'd also use wooden dowels that had small metal poles with a rounded tip put into them - DIY Kiwi-style, yo...) sort through your mix.

Once you've found/isolated a likely specimen that isn't just a piece of fancy sand, or shell piece, or fish bone (though you can add these to your tray if you want), and you've remembered to moisten the paintbrush tip, either with water or handy-dandy saliva from your very own mouth (you would not believe how much time this saves, though no sharing paintbrushes in these disease-ridden times), you can use said moistened brush to pick up your target and add it to your super-special micro-fossil slide!

Above is an unused tray that has been pulled apart (ignore the slide with the circle, the grid one is where we are at). To put it back together once you're done 'picking', the glass slide goes overtop the cardboard 'grid' slide, and then they both slide into the metal tray. One would generally place groups of similar 'tests' (or shells) in the same grid number to identify later (or at the same time if you had mad skills).

We'd sometimes use a bit of green dye (and no, we didn't put the green dye in our mouths first...) to stain the tiny shells to help make identification easier.

Of course you ask what is the actual point of all this, other than a delightful, sometimes headache-inducing, way to pass a few hours in an activity that should be rather boring? Well. I'm going to tap into my memory and hope like hell that I recall this shite correctly. The main reason is being able to use these wee buggers to link a layer (or layers) of rock in different areas, because if you've got a couple of microfossils in one area, and the same types in another area, you can be all 'check-out-the-correlating-rocks-yo'. Or something. This is called biostratigraphy. It's especially useful if one rock layer is near a datable-by-isotype-type-rock like lava rocks, because then you can extrapolate that shite everywhere, and voila! Dateable rocks! And organised rocks!

Species change though time because of that pesky evolution thing, or completely unsubscribe from life, and can be linked to age ranges (like an upper and a lower limit from when they are first found and when they are last found in a rock) in the geological time scale. Of course, the geological timescale lives to confuse, and add in localised time periods that link to localised rock formation names (I'll explain later #lesighpartdeux) that somehow tie into the epochs and eras and before long:

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Micro-palaeontology (or micro-pal, for those of us cool geology kids) is used extensively in the oil/gas exploration industry, for better or worse, well, worse really, but yeah, via the whole biostratigraphy schtick (they drill a core (like, a long shaft of rock) and then figure out the rock types and use microfossils to date and correlate, and then use it when they are already in an oil 'field' to check where the right rocks are, because it's not normally flat layers of rocks awaiting exploitation. It's more like a jumbled up jigsaw puzzle with some parts of the same rock up, some down, some folded/squashed together, some starting to get a little baked, and some eroded away long before the rest of the rocks were buried. Fun stuff all around!):

(I spent far too long in Publisher making this stupid representative graphic and I can already see things I've missed out *LABELS ANYONE???* but oh well...) but also there's this thing called palaeoecology AND also also palaeoclimatology that are super useful for establishing past climates and environments, which I'll go into later because this is getting stupid long and my brain is fried and needs sleep but I've got one last thing that I want to mention that may be one of the greatest things ever about geology and palaeontology and micro-pal and so on and so forth.

!!!!!OTOLITHS!!!!

WHAT ARE OTOLITHS, I HEAR YOU ASK?????

Fossilised fish ears! Who would have thought? I didn't even really think fish could hear underwater, which I believe such dimness is called BEING A MUPPET in my culture...

But it's true! I remember being so so so so so confused when I was picking forams for some geology lab and there were these funny shaped things in my rock mix. And they have such a variety of shapes.

And that's all for now, must sleep, will prolly revise this since it's prolly a load of crap geoscicomm but I'll get there! Happy micro-paling!

when i die i hope i come back as a beautiful microscopic granule of sand