#goofy-gay-anarchist

[transmasc-wizard]

hey nico! been a while! i think since around the time i first started following you i wanted to ask how you personally go about outlining your wips! i never used to outline my stuff but recently i've been getting back into writing so i figured i might as well finally ask you for any advice you can give :)

im so sorry if this took me a really long time to answer, my perception of time exploded awhile back and i have no idea how long this has been sitting in my ask box. but on we go

so basically. my outlines. are a mess. but it is a mess with PROCESS so i will try to explain (<- hasn't outlined in like 8 months)

my outlining process always starts with. idea. like a scattered handful of ideas that i have. major themes, the biggest plot point i have in my head, whatever the actual concept is, etc. and then i pull together my characters FIRST. i don't try to outline till i have a good grasp on who those fuckers are (their motivation, main personality traits, biggest fears, what makes them feel safe, main philosophy, style, culture, what's important to them, their approach to other people, what they want, what's stopping them from getting it, that sorta thing). once i've got my blorbos, i take the concept i have and wonder why They're there. i figure out why they're the main characters, basically. what they have to do with the plot. how they get INVOLVED. and with that, i've got my inciting incident (the shit that made them have to Be There and Have/Solve Problems!)

then i decide generally how i want it to end. i need to know where i'm headed. this can change later on somewhat but usually i have a pretty good idea of it. then, extrapolating from my concept, characters, their dynamics with each other, anything i know about the world, that end, and the scattered ideas that i started with, i make like. 5-10 major scenes i want. and i write those down. THEN is the fun part

i open a new document, with all my notes to the side, and make. literally just a list. i list off what i want to happen. i can get really detailed here; i've had like 300-500 words describing a scene before. but, depending on how much i've got in my head, it can be as little as one sentence. i just keep going till i've got a bullet point list of every single scene i want to happen in the book, with all the plots and subplots and arcs and thematic moments, and then maybe go back and flesh some of it out, and then. im Done . and i can start writing ! i don't follow it exactly all the time, and often i add or take away entire scenes while drafting, but like. it gives me a really good road map that helps me stay with a project a lot longer and make the draft a lot neater than anything i just wing.

as for actually coming up with all that plot and subplot and character arc stuff for the list, it's mostly a loooot of daydreaming while drawing or on walks or generally doing something else, and then also letting the parts naturally connect to each other (this is part of why starting with fleshed out characters helps so much; they Are going to do certain things if they're defined people, so coming up with plot becomes much easier).

i hope that ! makes sense ! i am scattered and sleepy ! if you have any follow up questions about my process or if your immediate reaction was "nico what the fuck are you talking about" please feel free to ask !

[achilleanauthor]

Damn it not 🐠 I meant 🐝 oopsie

That makes a lot more sense XD

🐝 -tag three friends and your three favourite things about them

@goofy-gay-anarchist I like your blog a lot. The name is great, and I like that you reblog whatever you feel like on it, it creates a very interesting page. I like your taste in films (still haven't gotten onto all those horror recommendations but we'll get there XD). I love that our friendship is mostly built on us buting each other as well, that's amazing.

@icannotgetoverbirds i like that you're a very emotionally intelligent person whike also being very silly. I like your passion for your interests and your friends, you're just generally a lovely person. And of course, I really like you're art.

@rainbluealoekitten I LOVE your music taste, every song you recommend to me has been amazing. I like how invested you get in your interests, even if I have no idea what's going on with some of them. I like your love of nature, but more specifically I like how that love has passed on to me. You taught me to find joy and beauty in the world around me, and I can't thank you enough for that gift

[lesbianfakir]

“The scene where otter [autor] forces fakir to write but instead he’s forcefemming him—“

— @goofy-gay-anarchist just now LOVE YOU BABE

[starscatteredsky]

hi hi! Y’all’s blog is super cool. If it’s okay, can y’all do a night fury kin tips? Tysm!!

Nightfury tips and tricks

green eye contacts!

long black clothing! wear thick black gloves and big black boots to help with those nightfury proportions!

wear a heavy blanket around your shoulders to feel like wings

black nails/ artificial claw shaped nails!

eat lots of fish, and avoid eel!

use vampire fangs to feel like dragon teeth!

do your goofy “toothless” smile when you’re happy!

practice quadrobics!

get some kind of charcoal pencil or any pencil with a wooden “stick like” handle!

draw fun sketches!

make nightfury vocals!

make a headband for your nightfury ears!

hope these are helpful, thanks for the kind words! our nightfurykin alter uses these lots :D

-🩸

Requests open!!!

[image description:

a DNI banner with the background being the promotional image for Little Nightmares 2. The writing reads:

"DNI: radqueers, proshippers, radfems/TERFs, antikin/antitherian, homophobic/ ableist/ anti ACAB/ transphobic/ rasist/ antisemitic/ xenophobic/ antitheist/ anti athiest/ bigoted in any fashion, NSFW/sh/ed/cringe centered blog, fakeclaimer

Before you interact: We are pro mspec gays/lesbians, anti endo/tulpa "systems", enjoy MCYT/DSMP, pro self diagnoses with extensive research, multiple alters are punks/ anarchists"

end description]

[white-collar-cannibal]

!! mutuals who are insane about frank. send me ideas for this post !!

fell down a hole. and now i have thoughts about gl!frank :( yes i know. hear me out. hear me out.

CANON:

this is his file from ep 3! some of it we'll disregard cause it's just there to be funny but we can get from the reading of it on during the sneegsnag episode three reaction video/vod that he's from new york, travelled to japan, thailand and cambodia, studied at an unknown university of fine art and is a painter (and makes nail polish sculptures???), has tattoos from college and. was not chill w/ austin. ("was very suspicious of the person on the right" -> austin was on the right from him to us on the carousel)

DUBIOUSLY CANON???: listen it's genloss i'm well within my right to take the silly goofy haha joke and make it real and heartbreaking. it's what we do here. gl!frank and gl!sneeg were gay as hell before frank died. (i promise there's themes and motifs to dissect there. politics even if you think about showfall as a corporation. especially if you read it so that charlie and sneeg were taken as children and raised by showfall. consider it i beg.) gl!sneeg during tse and other shows post frank dying is under heavy amounts of showfall filter to make him believe frank's still alive and talking to him. gl!ranboo is also being filtered to see him as fully skeletonized when he's actually in an earlier (grosser) state of decay. love-hate relationship with horses because he's an artist. short king. swore like a sailor. liked to steal gl!sneeg's hat to wear.

WHAT: no canon precedent i just. there are little versions of these characters running around in my brain and i'm observing them like it's my phD thesis. gl!niki and gl!frank were very good friends because gl!niki was so fucked up by showfall she pack bonded with the first other person to go "hey showfall's fucked up? they're fucked up actually." she got big time gender envy from him. she always remembers that he's dead. he was an anarchist and was constantly dealing with leftist infighting before showfall. he is trying his best in showfall to get the cast in one unified front and failing. so bad. showfall typecast him as the "cool guy" and they made him smoke. he fucking hated it but he still smoked whenever off set since there was no point in trying to quit while at showfall cause they kept making him do it. bisexual. embroiled in so so much relationship drama pre-showfall because of his dubious taste in dates. got a jfk pulled on him when he died for the last time.

[thecluelessdoctor]

yall did younger me dodge a bullet-

So apparently alot of people grew up with the weirdest YouTube content known to man. I mean like The fucking content farm channels we have now but weirder.

I never experienced that?! My YouTube experience was watching this one kid play with Sonic plushies making weird yet oddly entertaining stories (low-key wish I remember the name of the channel of videos because nostalgia)

I was obsessed with these, and these videos were how I discovered my love for sonic as a whole, a love I still have now (I'm just not the most open about it)

Then I got yt taken away and would rewatch The adventures of Sonic the hedgehog over and over until the next time I had a device with YT access.

During this second time of having yt access, I would discover a few sonic channels that changed the very way I act (as well as discovering Sonic. Exe and the Tails Doll which still low-key haunt me. Especially those super well drawn renders... Eugh..)

These channels were Sonic and Tails pals, a very kid friendly reaction channel that pretended to be sonic characters. But the next few channels weren't as family friendly, the first of these being a Channel named shadow the hedgehog. I recently revisited the channel for nostalgia and boy. Has it changed. For the worse- now what do I mean by not as family friendly? WELL *ahem* it wasn't as bad as it could have been but it did involve swearing *which later either was censored or completely removed as time went on* as well as a lovely book of sex jokes. And a high implication that Shadow attempted to get Rouge drunk (as well as being drunk himself) to have sex with her, only to have been implied to have done it with Kermit the frog who basically was always high. It's hard to explain you just gotta watch it to know .-. but is was this shit that stuck in my brain and formed the way I thought. It also made me discover being gay is ok-

NOW THOS WASNT THE ONLY CHANNEL FROM MY CHILDHOOD, OH NO NO NO!!

*ahem* we have, TheblueBlur, aka not family friendly Sonic's channel, knuckles the echidna, infinite the jackle, Metal sonic, and many other channels like this, which all apparently worked together.

These channels were goofy reaction and VR chat channels that I was obsessed with.

I know these channels shaped how I think and what I found amusing because it made me go from perfect little daughter to not straight and more of a anarchist than ever.

But I also wonder what I would be like today if I had watched shit like Funvideotv or something of that nature rather than the shit I watched (which I'ma be honest didn't shock me as a kid because I had been watching Futurama since I was like 4)

Anyway I'm done rambling about my weird childhood, I'm Dotty, and I need therapy

[thy-golden-knight]

Music tag game

Thank you @max-reblogger

Rules: shuffle your "on repeat" playlist and post the first 10 tracks, then tag 10 people

Protectors of the Earth — Two Steps from Hell

Misty Mountains — Richard Armitage

The Things We Believe In — Orden Ogan

Grótti — SKÁLD

0% Angel — Mr.Kitty

Oi Šermukšnio — Широкий Лан

Krigsgaldr — Heilung

Seven Nation Army — SKÁLD

Battle for Camelot — Tartalo Music

Wish I Had an Angel — Nightwish

Tagging @frat-ri-cide-yu-ri @goofy-gay-anarchist @mynameisyouqqq

[theintelligenceoflove]

Shoutout @writingcold for tagging me to tell yall about 10 songs I'm currently obsessed with. (No particular order)

1. "Ripple" the Grateful Dead

"Let there be songs to fill the air" is so *chefs kiss* this song just fucks me up and if I were a deadhead I'd probably tattoo that on me

2. "Hot Burrito #1" The Flying Burrito Brothers

I can't stop listening to the album, I have no idea why, but damn it's so good. And this song is ALWAYS stuck in my head.

3. "American Lawn" Blake Rouse

I don't care how good Starcatcher is, this is the beat album of 2023, and this song is SO FUCKING GOOD this kid is such a good lyricist

4. "Layla" Derek and the Dominos

This song reminds me of Jake so bad, I just want him to play it for me but he's got this goofy grin and he's bobbing his head.

5. "Take it To The Limit" The Eagles

This is not my favorite Eagles song, not by a long shot. But @jake-whatthefisgoingon-kiszka literally just mentioned a friends to lovers Jake fic and this is the first song to come to mind "And when you're looking for your freedom/ and no one seems to care." and "Put me on a highway/ a show me a sign"

6. "Midnight Rider" Stephen Stills

don't @ me about this being Stephen's version and not The Allman Brothers Band version. My coworker yesterday told me "you should put on that Silver Dollar" song you're in a bad mood. And this is the version of that song I have on my work playlist.

7. "You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)" Sylvester

Anytime someone calls a song "a queer anthem" and it's not this song they're wrong. Sylvester queen of disco did not write this fucking amazing song for y'all to be calling things written by straight women queer anthems. I wrote a whole academic paper about the effect of AIDS on gay may sexual subcutulres for my history of pandemics class and titled it with this song.

8. "Outside" George Michael

I have an entire footnote about this song in my thesis. Because public sense deserves nuanced and historicized conversations. Particularly as applied to gay men. Moreover, I'm upset my mother didn't have me nine years before she was born so I could have had a chance with George.

9. "Bread and Roses" Judy Collins

big anarchist vibes. The socialists have taken the symbol of bread and roses. But it originated in anarchist circles in America in the early 19th century. When I was going to write about the IWW for my theis I decided when I finished, I'd get a bread and roses tattoo. I still want a bread and roses tattoo but I think I'll get something else to commemorate my MA degree.

10. "Light My Love" Greta Van Fleet.

so this is a song from this little band from Detroit. I don't know if y'all have ever heard of them, you should check them out I think you'll like them.

as always, I love being tagged but am horrible at tagging people bc it makes me anxious I'm sorry. If you want to do this say I tagged you I'm super okay with that!

[achilleanauthor]

Something that absolutely shouldn't get me ready for bed but does, like Pictures Of You or Last Living Souls

Not making a tag game out of this, but I'm interested to know your answers

@icannotgetoverbirds @rainbluealoekitten @hexi-aoibhinn @goofy-gay-anarchist @ayyyyysexual @heartstopper-lover123 @traviscantstopdrinkingkvass

[trollocs-ooc]

2, 7, and 9?

since its unspecified im doing all of em

2. If they were to die, how would they die? (If they aren't already)

Mod Eleven and Mod Second canonically get executed in adulthood for secretly going against the empire.

Slashr i dont know the exact method but i think they would either be shot or like get their neck caught in a bear trap or something fitting for a dog. Who would do it i have no clue, maybe the empire as well or an ex member of their cult

Balkantroll is already on a predestined path of death nothing will be able to save them from

TA canonically gets murdered by Slashr via him ripping her throat out with his teeth after stabbing her in the stomach

YFIC i have no clue since she's new and has no story

7.How would they react to someone having an actual crush on them? Pale? Pitch? Flush? Ashen?

Eleven as you have already seen is open to pretty much anything. He is desperate to be liked and if there's nothing majorly wrong with the other person will encourage the crush and flirt because he's flattered. Even of he doesn't particularly like the person like can be completely neutral he will still encourage flirting just to hear them say it as fucked up as that sounds

Second is harder to please in that regard he rarely respects anybody so someone has to really be trying for him to be ok with it. If someone just said they had a crush on him out of nowhere he'd think they were making fun of him and be pissed off

TA is desperate, incredibly so, and will not believe that anybody likes her enough to have a crush. Will flirt. Will overlook major flaws but NOT stuff like Ribbons being stalkerish to them

Balkantroll has no care for love since she's killed her last. Will tell the other its a bad idea and to find someone else

Kullie would be soooo happy she'd flirt immediately. Let's get together immediately type beat love at first sight even if it's not she wants a relationship to not be killed by the empire. And also to have another person to annoy and use their resources

9.If they got fanonized/fandomized, how would they change?

Already said this once i think

(I THINK) Eleven would be boiled down to Highblood sugar daddy with a lowblood fetish, think other half in every gay vivziepop relationship.

Second is trans so i think ppl would either find some way to woobify him. Or go in the complete opposite direction completely ignore that and just make him an asshole with no redeeming qualities or actual points

Slashr would either be made into uwu doft baby boy cinnamon roll that needs to be protected or like. A commie or anarchist stereotype where it's their whole character and nothing else

Balkantroll would either be a stereotype about spiritual ppl (think Angie from Danganronpa) or complete sadstuck with none of the goofy parts of their personality

TA would just be a yandere.

Kullie would be an owo pounces on you!! girl who's entire famdom thing would just be sexual harassment jokes. You know the ones.

[the-ever-flowing-styx]

live reacting to ‘Big Ass Spider’ because i like to spread misery

Immediately bad vibes from ‘Splendid Film’, ‘Epic Pictures’ and ‘Film Entertainment Pictures’

what is this opening shot

he looks so emotionless and yet surprised

decent sfx ngl but that GREEN SCREEN

French man with a gay run

boobs

that sure is a Big Ass Spider!™️

why does he look happy now?????

TITLE SCREEN

butterworth

is that old lady groping him

‘butterWORTHLESS’

is this movie secretly anti-government????

she’s flirting with him ew

is he dead??

immediate ass shot on the first female character

gratuitous shirt removal

is he pretending to be a spy??

he is such a slut

he is a slutty slutty man

the score thinks this is a horror movie

the corpse is movinggg

spoke to soon on the score oops

spidey fingies

why is the light flickering????

is that a drill holy shit that is pathetic

WHY IS THE LIGHT FLICKERING

IT'S A SPIDER

nom

my favourite part of big ass spider is when the big ass spider said it’s spider time and spidered all over the place

fire alarm with no thingy to hit it

gay

argue argue

what are those hand movements

fthpthpthp

the morgue guy looks horrified

this plot wouldn’t happen if it wasn’t set in America

this movie has very unsubtle anarchist overtones

JESUS FUCK THAT BITE

the boss took a shot of aspirin what why

he looks bewildered

the security guard pulled a GUN on him

apparently this is a buddy cop movie but the buddies aren't cops???

fuckin ew bro

maybe it was a spider monkey

he's so deadpan i love him

rotating jose from big ass spider! in my head like a microwave

finally! actual police officers !!

no it's the ARMY

if i was a spider i would be spiders georg next question

jose is so me coded

he's just a little guy !!!1

just go down to the machine room normally??? what is this littlest pet shop shit

the army mans voice sounds dubbed why

contagion? like the hit movie contagion?

IT'S IN THE VENTS LIKE FROM AMOUNGUS

old man gonna dieee

oh no they're both in the vents from amoungus

D:

that is a nest bro what the fuckk

why is he fangirling over the murder spider???

fire

old man cowboy

the extras look so out of it i feel bad for them

weirdos

'kwahdruhpuhled'

'kwahdruhpuhle'

the intern that did that sfx makeup is very talented

'pepwpewprepwepwpechewspceww'

her outfit is so impractical

me when i get you

the spider being a greedy capitalist is really making me think about how purposeful this stuff is

the acting performance is giving the villains from home alone

but not in a fun way

why are you shooting at it?? it's a spider????

turn on the fucking lights nitwits

slut

please don't eat it

why are you struggling so much it's a coin on some overrated thread

oh it spits acid now

and that is the worst sfx so far

'arikhnid?'

ily jose never leave me again

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE

slut

jose is perfection

btw that twitter really exists look it up

shitty greenscreen plane my beloved

hacker montage

that is a big ass spider

'theree'

how is alex a miracle

jose is the miracle i see now

jose looks so rad in his sunnies

goofy ass camera quality

30???????

‘mahlted’

the music thinks this movie is so much scarier than it is

they look like npcs

did he forget his own name???

why did she answer the phone for some rando??????????

i love you jose

oh no people

they are playing beach volleyball in a park

gratuitous boob shot

gay walk strikes again

PERVERT

‘HAAAAGGHHHHH’

his shoe falled off :(

why is he aiming a gun at his computer screen

bro this is so far out of your jurisdiction

more anarchist overtones

so unsubtle

child no

just barely missed the child

is this movie anti police now too????

there are not thousands of people in the park there are maybe ten

no alex you cannot have your bribe back

that sure is a big ass spider

gratuitous boob shot

girl why are you still having a picnic there is a big ass spider murdering people

ass shot

worse sfx ever

omg hiiiiii

is this technically an alex ex machina??

yes jose get 'im

‘noooahhsh’

‘ your SPANGLISH is pressuring me’

alex stop being a fucking slut

chasing pussy and chasing spiders

‘MY TRUCK‼️’

pew

pew pew pew

jumpies

emotional WHIPLASH

why is she holding her earpiece they are talking in the real

noo jose lost his glasses :(

‘eksplohsiv’

so dramatic music

why are you touching him

they accidentally turned on the black and white filter

oops

bzzz

oh no she’s stuck how awfull

‘youah visinihtee’

me when i peel you

alex ex machina 2: electric boogaloo

this didn’t work last time and it won’t work this time

JOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

jose has plot armour and i’m thrilled

‘ruhn ahmuhk’

bro intentionally or not you made it

alien biology????

girl what the plot of this movie just did a 180

so true jose so true

‘woharld’

jesus christ you'd think to check your plants before you BREED THEM WITH ALIENS

no he doesn’t he’s talking out of his ass

he’s so stupid i hate him

omg this is the start of the movie

jumpies

png ass reflection

‘terhmihnaytoh’

crinkle

wow they found her. good job?

why do you trust these random ass men

i understand blindly trusting jose but alex????

THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE HORNY

how is she still fine

THE EGGS ARE HATCHING FUCK

jose figured it out :D

you just have to shoot the spider in the ass simple as

why do they have a flamethrower.

hey now saying you’re done with science is actually fucking weird bro

procedurally generated lookin street

ITS THE BEGINNING

different music? really?? at least commit man

oh thank god jose is fine

if jose was in literally any other movie

if jose doesn’t survive i swear

jose slayed that backwards hat

jose is such a girl boss for this

oh my god alex why are you making jokes right now

she was literally being dragged to her death no there was a boob shot fuck me with a chainsaw

if they kiss i’m suing

missiles!!!

no he did not that is bullshit

of course it’s still alive, spiders don’t take fall damage /s

babe????? whyyyyyyy???????????

cmon jose i believe in you :D

he’s so babygirl

how did that work

OMG it’s called Big Ass Spider! because they shot it in the ass!!!

shut up jose did all the work

this makes me angry

i am going to vomit

yes jose they should get a room

teaser for Big Ass Cockroach!

okay it’s over now, if you’re here thank you so much

[annabelle--cane]

Oh my god your icon just keeps getting more pixelated, before i could still see like, the colors of ur icon but now it's the way it looks when it's blocked lmfao (my condolences)

I am being plunged yet further into the void

[achilleanauthor]

Shaking you all up in a tupperware container as we speak

@izzyizdizzyy @icannotgetoverbirds @linktothefags @mlmshark @mlm-blues @greyhounddbites @pythonofficial @godfrey-the-chaos-duck @goofy-gay-anarchist @gabbywills98 @fyyyy @tranzgayramblez @traviscantstopdrinkingkvass @mdni @rainbluealoekitten @streetfightinprettygirl @35tr314 @hexihertzgameart @heartstopper-lover123 @glitch4dinner

Give this to one of your most loved mutual

Mines r: @jadescortaurius1 @thevisitmaxxedfriend @misschuckito @ethanthespookymonth @softwolfiee

[transmasc-wizard]

I like the new theme! (And I'm glad CQD still exists cuz that's a solid url lol) 💙

thanks! and yeah, i couldn't bear to part with it skhsdjkf

[shoezuki]

Equating a character you dont like to someone who wants gay people to not have rights or at least to ''shove it down straight peoples throats'' is so fucking weird. The lesbian comment, as a dyke, made me so deeply uncomfortable... Like why would you use that in an ""allegory"" to minecraft rp.

Yeah that was like one of the First shit i seen and i just. I like had to Stop cuz i Cannot understand how someone saying their cousin died due to being a lesbian could be funny or Goofy in any fuckin capacity. Like i just cant compute it. It was the first and Biggest red flag like regardless of op's orientation presenting that as a Joke is just. Not right. And i dont fuckin get it

Like its jus SO wild to me i cant get it at All like what. How can techno being an anarchist and using violence to achieve means of limiting or stopping people's oppresion be equated to a cishet saying that gay people having a group to bond and feel safe in is Bad and Exclusionary like.... i cant understaaaand

[ileolai]

I’m a bit nervous about posting this, because it’s a big nerdy splurge about Doctor Who, and why it is so very important to me, and there is quite personal stuff in it that I have never posted publicly, but. It’s a little over a day out from the finale, and I can’t not talk about something that totally consumed me for seven years.

When I say personal stuff, I mean stuff like suicidal ideation and mental illness, so there’s a content warning.

I wish Steven Moffat, and everyone else who has poured their lovely hearts into making this show, could know what it has done for me.

I've found it somewhat difficult to pinpoint what my favourite episode of Moffat era Who should be. It puzzled me for quite a while. Not because there are no tremendously stellar episodes that stand above all the rest -- there are quite a few of those to pick over. In terms of actual writing skill, narrative cohesion, magnificent direction and all that pretentious stuff, it would have to be Heaven Sent. I could watch that episode over and over again until the heat death of the Universe. 

But I think my actual favourite episode, the one nearest and dearest to my little anarchist care bear heart, has to be The Beast Below. The one with the whale that was technically more up in space than it was below. I realize fandom consensus does not consider it the pinnacle of Moffat’s storytelling, but I don’t care. The ideas in that episode, and it is so full of lovely ideas, are what made me sit up and start paying attention to the potential this show had. 

Specifically, what got me was what it said about child abuse and neglect as an essential cog in the machine of fascism, or something. Which I had never, in my whole entire life, seen so earnestly articulated on TV before-- in a children’s television show-- with a goddamn whale. I can pinpoint that as the exact moment this show snatched me and hurled me, screaming, into fandom.

[Later, A Christmas Carol would draw big red underlines and exclamation points all around these ideas... that's my other favourite episode. But The Beast Below did it first and hooked me.] 

There’s more to it besides that, though. This is the deeply personal emotional context stuff.

So, here is something you may or may not know about the nerd creature that is me. I was quite homeless at the time The Beast Below aired. And I had nothing -- literally nothing, you see. I was in a totally unfamiliar city in a fairly unfamiliar country, post-psychotic break, post-marriage-engagement breakdown, and I was more alone than I'd ever been -- and I'd been your standard lonely friendless geek my whole life, being Autistic, and what have you. I had just escaped an incredibly abusive, toxic group of people upon realization they were not so much a group of friends, but a cult. Yes, an actual cult! I was in one of those. I was also very, very ill with an immune disorder. And the only member of my family who ever accepted me, the only one actually still talking to me after I gave my narcissistic rage monster mother the finger, had just died of cancer.  This had all occurred across the space of, oh... one year? Almost entirely within 2009, leading into 2010. I was a wreck. And if you piled all this nonsense on a fictional character all at once, I'd probably say you were being gratuitous and change the channel. I was too miserable to even know how miserable I was-- just sort of wandering around in a dissociated haze, surviving entirely by the instincts of my autonomic nervous system. A good friend of mine described it to me later as ''you were sort of frozen'', and she was right. So. I downloaded the space whale episode over a wi-fi connection, illegally, on an ancient computer, in a library [haha how appropriate is that?] because I quite liked all the other Doctor Whos I had seen before, and this new writer fella had done Press Gang, a fond highlight of my otherwise wretched childhood. 

I watched Amy Pond and the Doctor cavorting around dystopian space Britain, having casual conversations about the nature of fascism, in a show marketed to 10 year olds. My sad little eyes pressed right up to the computer screen, irradiating my retinas, and I whispered: ''I've waited 20 years for My Show, and someone finally wrote it. It even has a mad ginger immigrant in it, and she's me. The Universe made this just for me.''

It also had a whale, and the whale was in space. 

And that is how I was propelled into my seven year character arc, my precious nerds. Because this show, from series 5 onwards, has done more for me than anything else on the planet. And I don't care how ridiculous it sounds to attribute my self-actualization to a goofy TV show about loveable alien miscreants saving space whales, because it's true. It took a while, but I learned what I actually value and what actually properly matters to me through this show. Or rather, I re-learned it, because I'd become so lost chasing approval and moulding myself to other people's perceptions to withstand their abuse, I didn't know what I was anymore. 

This show, and this goddamn fandom, helped me pull all the chopped up little bits of me back together more than any therapy or self-help nonsense I had tried. I went back to university and got serious about doing actual work, in part, because ''we're all just stories in the end... make it a good one.'' kept looping in my brain. It made me determined that my life could never be summed up with a single sentence like: ''He was sad and boring, and he wasted away in his apartment -- achieving nothing, leaving no trace''. 

[I still don’t get out much, to be honest. But I’m trying. At the very least, my epic marathon through 500 wildly divergent university degrees says something, yes? Maybe I can set the official record for ‘’the world’s most reluctant to graduate student’’.] 

Anyway. This show, this fandom... gave me so much. It gave me my voice as a creator of things, as a writer, and an analyzer, and it gave me people like me, real and fictional, people I didn’t even know existed anywhere. 

And you know…. this is heavy stuff again-- but it honestly gave me the motivation to get through to another weekend sometimes, when I was apathetic enough and in enough physical pain to contemplate not doing that. It really did. I didn't want to miss an episode of Doctor bloody Who, arthritis and schizophrenia and poverty be damned, and that kept me here. There were points, where one of the few things that restrained me from taking a decisive dose of Oxycontin, was River Song's storyline. I'm serious. And as shameful as that probably is, it's still better than being dead, and not getting to watch Doctor Who anymore. 

Cuz Doctor Who had a whale in it, right? A great big pink whale filled with benevolent intentions, and it was in space, and everybody hugged at the end, on top of the whale, after overthrowing the government! Moffat Who came out of the gate telling ten year olds ‘’OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT’’! I needed that with all my aching nerd heart. The Universe made it for me.

And then they put queer characters in it, and mentally ill characters, and abuse survivors, like me, and it valued them, and it valued children. And then there was River Song, and hugs, and self acceptance, and found families, and sparkles all around, and Bill Potts. And a big Jungian tapestry of meta and mythology. Just for me. There was nothing else on TV like it.

So now here we are, the eve of the final episode of series 10, which I have slobbered and fawned over almost as much as series 5, the one that grabbed me. And... I’m kind of terrified, to be honest. Because all the connections I made here, are so tied up in this show, and talking about this show, and picking apart this specific era of the show... I’m afraid I won't have anything to talk about anymore? and I'll drift apart from my friends, and…. never have something quite like this lovely little hive of internet debauchery and meta and space whales ever again. 

That actually scares me so much. Some of you have been here nearly a whole seven years, longer than almost anyone else in my life, apart from my husband, and I am grateful the vast and mysterious machinations of the Universe dumped us all together in the seething hell-pit of fandom. Those of you who have not yet run screaming into the night from my 957 daily posts about Doctor Who... you don't know how much you have helped me, and brighten my day, just by existing.

Yes, even Proton, who is old, and frequently incorrect, and a cyborg. And Elisi, who speaks utter nonsense that confuses my head. Really. I know my primary method of interacting with people is emphatically, and tactlessly, listing every single way they are wrong about things, but I do occassionally have actual emotions like ‘’appreciation’’. 

Do not worry, though. This audaciously out-of-character display of sincerity will now be deleted from your memory. 

Gone? Good. 

So it's been seven wonderful transformative years for me, and the Doctor Who they made just for lil gay anarchist crazy pants care-bear me is ending forever soon. I mean... there will always be Doctor Who, and it will always be Doctor Who, of course. It will be there at the heat death of the Universe, while I’m still salivating over the utter perfection of Heaven Sent. And a sentient gas cloud in a jar will be running it, or something-- because the show has gained its own level of quasi-sentience, furiously transcended all sensible laws of television, and refuses to die.

But the Moffat era came into my life right when I needed it, and it changed me, and I can’t imagine any other era can be that personal to me. It won’t be my Doctor Who anymore. 

Steven Moffat doesn’t know I exist, and yet, has tormented my televisual experiences since I could barely even comprehend television. I have him to thank for two glorious book-ends to my childhood and adolescence: Press Gang, and Doctor Who. Thank you so much, Moffat, you scheming Scottish bastard. Thank you for everything. 

I don’t think I would be the sort of person I am now without this damn show, it’s fandom, and its unapologetic, space whale flavoured idealism. I honestly just wouldn’t be.