#goodbye. Logging off forever (5 minutes)

[dr-pipis]

wow i sure have had a shitty morning i hope nothing makes it worse!!

csm 170:

[blorbologist]

tiefling and rogue?

tiefling: who is your favorite female player

Why you gotta make me choose between these queens :cc Marisha and Laura each have two of my favs (Beau and Laudna, Vex and Imogen) - I think I'd squeak by and say Marisha is my favorite? As insane as Laura's big moments are, I love Marisha's note-taking and how she plans/puts pieces together, and I think I like my least favorite of hers (Keyleth) more than my least favorite of Laura's (Jester - THOUGH BOTH ARE SUPER, just not Top 5 Material u know?)

rogue: what was a moment that made you cry

Oh mannn, several??

I think my biggest cry was watching the end of Campaign 2 live, though.

See - my childhood cat was a huge white tom, Easy-Bee. Battle-scarred and enforcer of a firm 8pm bedtime. My parents would let cats roam outside (keep your fuckin cats indoors) so eventually he just... didn't come home ;;

So. 30 minutes into the 7 hour finale, seeing Caleb saying goodbye to white Frumpkin, who pads off into the ferns, when I absolutely had been expecting him to keep Frumpkin with him forever - I was a loudly sobbing mess not even an hour in.

Hang on I have chat logs (ft. Syn):

[bts-hyperfixation]

How To Lose A Couple Guys

Part 3: Date night number one

The Maknae line is chatting over break one day pondering their colleagues. When it comes to you they come to the unsurprising conclusion that they all find you attractive. And so, despite you no co-workers rule, they make a bet to see who can win your heart.

Eventual smut, Spit kink, Big dick, Rough, Mirror sex

Part 2

You realised your mistake when you turned up to work the next morning. The entire office had been put on pins and needles as the three boys fought for your attention, and it was only Wednesday. You’d forgotten to take into account that they would talk to each other about the dates they had set immediately after they all got home from work.

However, it does seem that they haven’t quite put together your knowledge of the bet… It does make you wonder what they must think of you for saying yes to three men in one weekend.

They were doing an excellent job of sucking the fun out of the bet for everyone else. The three usually inseparable men refused to even look at each other unless their jobs demanded it. Jimin’s courting gifts only doubled, cookie bouquets arriving with little notes at least once a day along with balloons and flowers. Taehyung had somehow bribed your boss into assigning you the same client so you would have to work closely all week. And Jungkook waited for you after work every day to walk you home.

By the time Friday came around, everyone was 3 pounds heavier, avoiding Taehyung’s overzealous presentation plans, and hunting for Jungkook to run their errands (He disappeared around half an hour before closing so he knew for sure he was going to be able to walk you home). Several people had offered you money just to pick one of them and be done with it.

Eventually, you’d all made it through. The clock struck 5 and you immediately logged out and headed for the door. Jungkook fell into stride beside you easily, ready to walk you home. You felt a bit sad at the thought of him not continuing after this weekend was over, but you didn’t have time to dwell on the feeling. The butterflies in your stomach were getting too unruly for you to worry about unpacking any other feelings.

Jungkook and you carefully dance around your plans for the evening and yours and Tae’s latest client. It leaves you with very few topics to go through tonight, but the walk is still pleasant. Your hands occasionally brush against one another. Goosebumps trial along your arm each time. Considering you barely knew the plucky new intern at the beginning of last week, you would be lying if you said he wasn’t one of your favourite people in the office by now.

He lingers outside of your apartment. He sways nervously as he tries to prolong the conversation. You honestly think you could’ve let him keep going forever, stumbling cutely over his words to get you to stay. Unfortunately, you had a date with his best friend to get ready for.

“Sorry Kookie, I need to go and get ready, but I’m looking forward to Sunday.” You cut off his rambles. His eyes go sad for the slightest second before he nods in understanding.

“I can’t wait until Sunday; this is going to be the longest weekend ever.” He leans in and kisses your cheek. You mutter a goodbye and duck inside the building, hoping he didn’t see the blush rising to your cheeks.

You shower quickly, very aware of the short time between now and your dates arrival. The once familiar routine feels odd now. You haven’t had the opportunity to go on a date in so long. Drying your hair is still the worst part. Your arm aches as you move the dryer around your head, definitely more for speed than style. You do your makeup a little softer than you would for a girls night, not wanting to overdo it. All the while, the twisting in your stomach gets worse.

Each minute that ticks by has you in knots; if you didn’t know any better you would think you were excited for this sham of a date.

You're finished getting ready early, sat on your sofa, foot bouncing, anxiously watching the clock. That’s why you’re so relieved when your phone buzzes. Until you see the name on the screen.

Taehyung: Wishing you were seeing me tonight yet?

Taehyung: It’s not too late, cancel on Jimin.

Taehyung: Come see me instead.

You shake your head at the flirty bravado in his texts, knowing he’d never say that to you in person. At least not yet.

Y/N: Are you jealous?

You flirt back expecting him to back down immediately.

Taehyung: Of course I am…

You read the words a few times. Even if it’s fake it makes your already anxious heart beat a little faster. You must leave him on read a second too long because he sends a follow up before you get a chance to reply.

Taehyung: Never mind, you’ll see tomorrow that he is merely an appetiser. I’m the main course ;)

There is a knock at the door stopping you from replying. Not that you could think of a fitting one anyway. You slip your phone into your handbag and smooth down your clothes. Taking a deep breath you open the door to find Jimin dressed to the nines stood before you. Suddenly it seems like you may have underestimated how fancy this karaoke place was going to be.

“You look wonderful Y/N.” He says reaching for your hand and kissing it. “You ready to go?” You swallow thickly and grab your keys from the sideboard.

“Yep…” It’s all your brain can come up with. A full education but faced with a dressed up Jimin it’s the only word in your vocabulary other than fuck.  

He offers you his arm and you take it. He escorts you to his car, opening the door for you. It’s a short drive to the karaoke bar. It’s been open for about three months now, but you hadn’t had the chance to visit. It was very high-tech, IDs' checked by scanners at the door, the only people seemed to be working behind the bar.

“I hope you don’t mind I booked us a private room.” He smiles at you, logging into the automated system. It releases a key to him and flashes the room number on the screen. It’s a small room. Two microphones lay on a table along with some snacks and drinks. The sofa is big enough for probably four people, although Jimin chooses to sit as close to you as socially acceptable, knees knocking against one another occasionally.

You pick at the toffee popcorn on the table as he lines up some songs on the machine. The lights dim and some of the best pop songs from the last few years start to play through the speakers. Neither of you reaches for a microphone, not yet. It hadn’t occurred to you that you would book a private room. The potential to embarrass yourself tripled by being the only other person singing, even if your voice wasn’t actually half bad.

Luckily Jimin knew exactly how to break the ice. He started chucking popcorn at you…

Not the most conventional plan but it did finally give you enough words back to yell at him.

“Hey, you’re going to get grease stains on my outfit.” You half scream as you retaliate, tossing kernels of your own. He opens his mouth and catches a few, grinning as he bites down.

“You seem nervous Y/N, do I make you nervous?” He leans in closer, probably trying to make you stutter. But the spell has been broken and your confidence has returned.

“Of course not, Jimin, you’d like that though wouldn’t you?” You don’t back down, inching closer yourself. You tilt your head just as he looks like he is going to try to kiss you. A daring move this early in the evening. Instead, he sniffs you.

“You smell nice, is that the perfume I sent you?” You’d almost forgotten the package that had been waiting for you when you got home today. An ornate perfume bottle with yet another pining note attached. You couldn’t resist wearing it.

“It is, I’ve been meaning to thank you for all the presents Jimin, but they really are unnecessary.”

“I like spoiling you, is that a crime?”

“Of course not but…”

“But nothing, anyway I love this song, pick up a mic.” He reaches for the microphones and hands one to you.

The night wastes away in giggles and music. It’s so easy. Almost like breathing. You ache to kiss him by the end of it. Every time you start to lean in your brain readily supplies the reason that you shouldn’t, and you lean back. If Jimin notices he doesn’t mention it.

The music cuts off as your time comes to an end and Jimin reaches out for your hand.

“Why did you say yes to tonight?” He asks. It catches you off guard. “You turned me down last year, said you don’t date co-workers. Now you’ve got three dates in three days with people you work with…” There’s a vulnerability you weren’t expecting. Wasn’t this just supposed to be some light-hearted fun?

“I found out about your bet…” He smiles weakly and nods in understanding.

“I should’ve known, this was supposed to be a punishment then? I guess that means the gigs up and you aren’t going to kiss me tonight?”

“I don’t plan on it, no.”

“Well what about when this weekend is over, we can forget the bet. Go out with me again?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Think about it, please.” You nod your head. Before you get a chance to say anymore the screen flashes asking you to vacate the room and Jimin takes you home. The drive home is quiet, but not as uncomfortable as it perhaps should’ve been.

He rushes out of the car to open your door and then walks you up to your apartment.

“I won’t tell the others that you know.” He promises as you unlock the door. You thank him, lingering outside the door. You glance at his lips for no more than a millisecond, but he notices. He closes the gap before you can think to stop him, and really you don’t want to. You kiss him back only for a moment before pulling back.

“You know the bet is voided now? That doesn’t count?”

“I know, I’ve just wanted to do it for the longest time.” He grins. He says goodnight and kisses you on the cheek for good measure. You watch his retreating figure and then go into your house. You wipe away the makeup and get ready for bed. Just as you climb under the covers your phone screen lights up.

Jungkook: Did you get home safe?

Masterlist

Part 1, 

Part 2

Part 4

Part 5

[pollenat]

SEVENTEEN and 5 ways to say I love you

S.COUPS

Droplets of water resting on his cheeks, reflecting moonlight. The rain has surprised you on an evening walk, and right now you’re standing by the crosswalk, his arms holding the coat above your heads while he stares at the red light. You should be shivering and getting annoyed at the discomfort of wet clothes, but you can’t stop staring at his ethereal side profile.

A gentle smile blossoming on his face whenever you compliment him. It’s so powerful, you can never stare at it long enough. He may say “Of course, I know that.”, but that doesn’t make him any less happy. And when you tell him how great he is in the tough moments, Seungcheol doesn’t respond. Instead, he hides his head under your chin, where he is always welcome to regain confidence and comfort.

Kissing him goodbye when he stops the car by your house. It’s lingering, your arms embracing one another to keep it going as long as possible. Neither of you are ready to part ways, despite the late hour. His hands press at your lower back, and after long minutes of being entwined, you pull away with sadness matching his eyes. Seungcheol grabs you once again, for one last kiss, and then finally lets go, his eyes following you until you disappear inside.

Taking a step back when his voice raises. It’s different - an irritating blaring alarm compared to the sweetness of his usual tone. His eyes are also strange. So stark, you feel the pain they’re meant to inflict. But the hurt doesn’t make you close in on yourself. Instead, it’s like a log to your fire. You need to stand up to it, fuel the useless aggression, even if it will burn you in the end.

Carefully spreading the blues of a face mask on his face. His eyes are closed, and open only when you can’t stop yourself from laughing any longer. “What’s so funny?” you genuinely want to explain, but another look at the numerous pigtails sticking out in different directions forces you to hide in one of his shoulders. “What did you do to my face?” his question is trying to be humorous, but the terror is all too evident in it.

JEONGHAN

The sight of snow covering every surface possible. His voice when he complains about the cold. The redness of his nose poking above the scarf you’re tying around his neck. “You’re being embarrassing.”, but Jeonghan fails at hiding his smile behind the material. He doesn’t know his eyes are betraying him. “Yeah I know”, you answer him, now indifferent to the teasing.

Tired smile decorating his face when he visits you in the evening of your birthday. Training clothes crumpled, hair a mess, shoelaces untied and tucked into the sides. You tell him he didn’t have to, he’s done enough for you and needs rest. But truth be told, you’re selfishly happy to have him here. “If it’s for you, I don’t mind giving up few hours of sleep.” he says with calm certainty.

The times you have to wait for him to acknowledge you because of a petty fight. He’s not the person to back down from one, and you sometimes feel like pulling your fingers out from the amount of frustration you’re going through. You know he’ll eventually relent, let you in, lock you in a tight embrace, if only to ask why didn’t you say anything sooner. You’ll want to pick up the fight again, but what for?

Pieces of clothing he deliberately leaves at your place, so he can tease you whenever you put them on. “I was wondering where it disappeared.” “But you-” “It’s okay. I know how good I smell.” “Jeonghan-” “Shh, you can hold on to it for now.” As much as you want to argue, you end the fight with an angry sigh.

The smell of grass during a sunny day. Tree bark imprinting itself on your back, and Jeonghan’s head weighing down your thigh, his breath calm. There’s no doubt - he’s asleep. The guy could doze off anywhere. Somewhere in the back, a guitarist is playing for tips, light melody mixing with distant chatter. Your hands put away the book, tired of holding it in the air. Instead, you let the strands of Jeonghan’s hair entertain you.

JOSHUA

The cheesiness of slow-dancing in a room illuminated by the moon only. A song you came to like is playing, and Joshua’s voice joins the singer every now and then, before he stops himself. You’d rather listen to him singing. He laughs at the idea. “Don’t be cheesy!” but he can be?

Helping him fix his tie and collar before going to theater. His chin is pointing upwards, but his eyes are set on your face. You aren’t sure what he’s looking for, and the constant observation makes you self-conscious. “Why are you staring at me?” the question makes him smile. You take note of that, but remain busy with the tie. “Just admiring my beautiful plus one.”

Sitting by the table, him in front of you. It’s night time, and you’re both tired. It’s crazy how despite a hectic day, Joshua has managed to make you dinner. “Oh, this? It’s nothing!” was what he said after putting the plates of a complicated dish down. You can’t help, but smile to yourself in silence. Joshua’s foot nudges your underneath the table, and you look up to see him frowning questioningly. “It’s delicious.” has him smiling proudly.

The movie being just a background noise, neither of you interested in what it has to present. Not when you’re cuddled on the sofa, almost (!) sleeping. Joshua has his head tucked under your jaw. His breathing is regular and warm on your neck.Your fingers get tangled in the longer hairs on the top of his head. Eyes finally closing, the last thing you register is the characteristic smell of his shampoo.

Seeing his shoulders closing in on him. Head down, eyes empty, lips shut tight. Your approaching footsteps have no effect on his stature. He’s sitting still in his pose. A hand on his shoulder ends up shaken off. Words directed at him earn no response. After what feels like forever of standing dumbfounded by his side, you take a step back and leave him be. Maybe he needs space. Maybe he will call for you when he’s ready. Maybe, maybe, maybe. One thing is sure - you do feel a little hurt by rejection.

JUN

The weight of his hand on your shoulder when you’re standing in a crowded space. It’s a bit suffocating, you can’t lie. Having Junhui’s protective arm embracing you forces your attention to focus on his presence instead. He can’t bring himself to look at you, sure you’ll tease him. Still, he can feel your admiring glances. “I know, I’m very chivalrous.” leaves his mouth before he can bite his tongue. “Don’t ruin the moment.” “Okay.”

Kissing your forehead numerous times when he notices it’s warm. His jumper is already on your chest, shyly given earlier after you commented the weather. Jun’s cold hand rests on your cheek to check its temperature too. After one last peck he finally declares “You have a fever.” in a bewildered tone.

Opening your phone’s gallery to twenty new selfies that Junhui has taken when you weren’t nearby. They’re almost all the same, but you can’t bring yourself to delete any. Even if it means he gets teasing material. “Obviously, I’m just too good-looking, right babe?” “Oh my god, yes you are, Junhui.” “Exactly.”

A noodle hanging from his mouth, and the suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows. You think of the scene that the two of you saw the day before - the connection is obvious. Jun smiles when you hesitate to follow his lead, proud to bring your cheeks the warmth of embarrassment. Then he chokes on the noodle, because you decided to strike back and take the other end in your mouth. As if he was the only one allowed to tease in your relationship.

How odd it is to see him indifferent and actually nervous around you. There’s a fear that it might’ve cemented the incoming end of your relationship. That maybe he wants nothing more to do with you. But Jun’s train of thoughts is far away from the breakup sphere, rather unsure how to make things normal again. It’s only a matter of time, right? And why are you just as strange about everything as him?

HOSHI

Sharing a blanket with each other on the cold wooden boards, your group of friends seated in a circle, as you take turns telling scary stories. Your and Soonyoung’s terrified glances meet every now and then, before he leans on your chest so you can lock hands over his shoulder protectively. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe.” His giggles at your promise score you numerous scolding looks.

You’re not the first one to notice him. Once his silhouette comes into your view, he’s already jumping in place, flailing his arms in the air for attention. A big smile spreads across his face, pushing his eyes almost shut. Soonyoung mouths something, but you can’t read his lips at all. Then he starts running towards you with arms wide open for embrace. Laughing, you do the same. It is embarrassing, but your suffering ends as soon as your face can hide in his neck.

Spoons of your meal disappearing in his mouth, although his half-finished own is resting right next to it. After five pointed glances, you give up to watch him full-time instead. Soonyoung is clearly enjoying his food. “Why are you not eating?” “I’m full already.” “You and your small stomach!” Him and his big stomach!

The collection of old Halloween couple costume’s you’ve collected over the years. Each worn just once, each as memorable as the previous one. Soonyoung throws himself at the mountain of colorful materials, his lips pouting. “You want to get rid of them? Our memories?!” “They’re taking up too much space.” He groans disgusted. “So?” “Get off and help me pack them.” “Make me!”

His sad eyes following your every move as you walk around the room gathering things. There’s a stark contrast between his watery gaze, and your angry stare. Every few seconds he starts senseless sentences, more a product of desperation than solid argumentation. And then you leave him alone, to get lost in his sad thoughts, to wonder what could’ve been done to avoid the conflict altogether.

WONWOO

Eardrum-bursting noise of speeding cars. You flinch in your spot, then shoot a glare to the man that accidentally sat on remote control. “Wonwoo!” He smiles apologetically once you point out the volume. Sighing, you pick up the phone. Its clock reads 2 a.m, but even the realization doesn’t make you tired. “One more mission, come on!”

No matter when and where you’ve agreed to meet, he’s always the first one to appear. It’s not the nicest feeling - being always waited for - but Wonwoo rejects your attempts at confrontation. He says he’s used to it and prefers things that way. Why worry your head, when it’s all figured out. He doesn’t know that you know that he’s very particular about being the first one everywhere. Talk about chivalry.

The avoidance of physical contact. Yes, you are in a disagreement. Yes, some feelings were hurt. Yes, both of you are mad. The tension is thick, waiting for a knife sharp enough to cut through it. Tired of frowning, you reach for the rock you can always lean on, but the rock moves. You’re pushed away without him pushing, and at that moment the word hurt is redefined.

Summery evening spent by a lake. There’s a picnic table, usually posing nude with its graffiti, today dressed in a checkered cloth. A basket of half-finished lunch rests above all, closed, hopefully keeping the fruit away from insects. You watch another stone skipping the surface of calm water. It’s not a record-breaker, but you still cheer for Wonwoo. Sunset glances off of his glasses when he turns to look back.

Going through the pictures you ordered. A large frame is placed on the other end of the table, the blankness waiting for colors. But it’s been hours, and aside from leaning over the pictured memories, no collection has been decided. Wonwoo’s hand closes over yours when you hand him a particularly funny photograph. His deep hum resonates in appreciation.

WOOZI

The look of bewilderment he puts on when your hand offers him a spoonful of food. You don’t mind the public, only nod at him in encouragement, and although shy, he accepts the offering. “Please, stop doing that.” “I can’t hear you because this stew is so amazingly delicious! You should have a taste once more!” Another spoon glares at him under your innocent gaze.

Hugging him tightly as you’re waiting for sleep to take over. The duvet is too cold for your liking, and Jihoon offers the only source of warmth you accept. You know that in the morning you’ll wake up separated, but for now you plan on enjoying being so close to him. Every now and then he leaves lingering kisses on your forehead without saying a word.

The deepness of bass syncing with your heartbeat. Jihoon is facing away from you, propped on his locked hands and gazing at the computer screen. He always closes off to focus on analyzing his tracks. As much as you want to remain silent and follow his lead, you’re convinced you’ve heard the same tune before. Then you recognize it from Jihoon’s humming a week prior.

His tear-strained face after a big argument. You’re shocked to see him so broken, and all the anger that’s been boiling your blood disappears. Jihoon accepts the embrace, his arms closing on you tightly, as he whispers “Don’t argue with me anymore, please. I don’t want you to leave”.

The day you run up the stairs to his apartment. The neighbors nod at you in mute greetings, all offering smaller or bigger smiles. Your fingers quickly put a memorized code in. The front door opens after you press the handle. There’s a pair of slippers already waiting. Jihoon walks into the hallway to welcome you. His hair is still wet from the shower.

DK

The annoyingly omittable grocery store playlists. They’re so subtle in their existence, you hum, but never remember exactly which melody. That is unless that song comes on. Seokmin who’s been pulling the cart from the side, turns to face you with a knowing smile. “Please, not here.” you ask, but Seokmin just turns away and begins singing along. People look, and you’re both extremely embarrassed and eager to listen to his voice more.

Instead of being angry, like you are, he’s sad. Misery written all over his infuriatingly beautiful face. It’s petty to continue attacking him with hurtful words. The ammo you’ve loaded now just a steam coming from na overheated gun. Seokmin doesn’t speak. He’s silent. It’s as if you’re the only one who can decide when will all the arguing end.

Finding a birthday gift a week before. Seokmin is terrible at hiding things meant for you, and although you’re itching to ask him “Your underwear drawer? Really?” you act as if nothing ever happened. Even if your fun was ruined, you do not wish him the same. He genuinely believes your act of surprise later.

Sitting chest to chest, legs around one another, while you’re brushing his hair. He doesn’t shy away from admitting that this tradition is his favorite one. That’s why you run comb through his locks for way too long, to keep him close, and bask in the familiarity of it all. When your eyes fall down, they always catch his big ones, patiently waiting for you to finish, and gift him a kiss.

A surprise backhug when you’re washing the dishes. Seokmin should be drying them off with a towel, but some time ago he abandoned the task, He’s always been quick to lose interest. His head rests on your shoulder, voice impatiently asking when will it be over. You want to laugh at him. Tell him to get back to work. But then again - you’re enjoying the warmth he’s radiating. Like fire in a chimney.

MINGYU

Styling his hair after he has left the shower. Mingyu giggles hysterically as you put finishing touches to his mohawk. “You could be a punk rock guitarist.” his canines come into full display at the comment. Later he tells you to make him a greaser, with a carefully twisted lock of hair falling down his forehead.

A letter he has written when he realized things weren’t completely alright with you at the moment. A collection of words that to you make much more sense than to any other person. The letter itself can’t take the weight off of your shoulders, but the gentleness of his words, the constant encouragement, and the amount of love confessions do give you a new feeling, this time - a good one.

The giddiness when you know you’ll see him a matter of minutes. And as soon as you do, a smile breaks out, because how can it not? His is similar, just as full of warmth as yours. The only things warmer than it are his welcoming embrace and your cheeks rubbing. “I’ve been waiting for you for so long! You’re not late? Well, I was still waiting to see you!”

The warmest and securest of embraces he offers at any time of the day.  Mingyu may be busy and still take a moment to hug you when things don’t feel quite right. Just a look, a pout, a sigh, a call of his name, or a hand on his shoulder - Mingyu drops whatever it is he’s doing and opens his arms. Most times, as an added bonus, he offers you quick pecks of pure honey. Anywhere he can reach.

Sneaking hands into one another’s sleeves when the weather is cold. It may not be the smartest move, because there’s not much two adults merged in a pose like that can do. Mingyu giggles at the feeling of your ice cold fingers grabbing his arms, meanwhile almost jumping away from you. Only the hold you have on his limbs stops him from parting ways. “You’re too cold! I didn’t sign up for this!” “You’re supposed to warm my hands, so stop complaining!”

THE8

The warmth of his arm as the two you huddle in front of a painting in the museum. Minghao‘s telling you what he thought of when he saw it for the first time. Then he encourages you to share your opinion. His eyes look genuinely curious. “I didn’t think of it like that!”, but you doubt his words. Still, it feels nice to be appreciated and listened to.

His tendency to fall silent in the middle of argument that does nothing to cease your annoyance. In the back of your mind a voice is telling you that it went too far, and you should follow suit, but the wind’s silence can never extinguish a raging fire. Blinded by rage, you throw the book you were holding on the ground, turn around and storm off, ignoring his voice calling your name. “Stop being childish!” annoys you only more.

The first thing you notice while falling into his arms being his perfume. It’s so rich, and so his, you feel safe and right in place before you can sense the plush of his flesh under fingertips. Minghao giggles at your strengthening grip. His ears pick up on your sniffing and after some time of letting you soak in his presence, he makes you look him in the eyes. You can’t argue - who would reject a kiss of adoration from a man like that?

Sharing a piece of cake in a cafe. It’s a red velvet, with strawberries on the side. There’re no words being exchanged, you just steal small smiles in each other’s direction. The cake disappears slowly, each spoon frugal and shy. It’s not that you can’t afford another one. The cake is an object of sentiment - something shared between two close people.

The delicateness of his fingertip on your upper cheek. It swipes to the side and (sadly) leaves. Minghao’s eyes follow his thumb as he transports a lost eyelash to the front of your lips. “Make a wish.” he says with a gentle smile. Heart fluttering, you struggle to glue together a proper plead. It’s the first dream that came up and you have nothing better to offer. Then you blow the eyelash into the air. Please world, make it happen.

SEUNGKWAN

Trivial words that hurt like a stabbing knife. Now, instead of blood, they’re a source of all-consuming guilt. Even if the argument was mutual, you want to take everything back, because the present feels empty without Seungkwan. Your phone lights up with a message before you can drown yourself in sorrow. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” and tomorrow you hope to see him.

A band-aid that’s turned useless, but cannot be taken off. It’s what remains of Seungkwan’s touch, before he left for work overseas. The material is dirty, and sticking out at ends, and you should just get rid off it, because it’s a stupid reason to hold on to. Yet here you are - just pressing it down every five minutes in silent acceptance.

Poking your head into the hallway. TV is playing in the background, but a singing voice breaks through the noise. You smile in recognition and slowly make your way forward, towards the bathroom door. Seungkwan is in the middle of a shower. Happy to catch him off-guard, you sit down by the wall and listen. No plead is enough to make him sing consciously in your presence.

The melted chocolate you forgot to hide in the fridge. Seungkwan is scowling at his fingertips, sunk in the dark brown smudge. From his eyes alone you can tell he’s about to start scowling you. “Don’t be such a baby! Just go wash them!” He’s about to argue, but you push him out of the kitchen. “We wasted perfectly good chocolate!” We? That’s a first. Although he left, you hear him smacking lips. Seungkwan couldn’t allow the sweets to just waste.

An empty sofa to your side. A soft rug in front of you. Pillows thrown around the room. And yet, you and him are sitting huddled on the armchair, something designed for one (1) user. Seungkwan has his head lying on your shoulder. You’re too engrossed in TV to notice his lack of attention to the show. With passing moments his mouth moves closer to your neck, eyes on your side profile, hands on your hip.

VERNON

Seeing him in a badly sewn beanie that you wouldn’t have given to him if he hadn’t found it in your kitchen cupboard. It’s a mess of unfinished threads and misplaced crosses. Still, Vernon assures you that he loves it. “I look pretty cool in it, right?”, the earnest smile put on display. You look for the signal of a lie, but between the messy fringe, and the perfect pearls on display, you can’t find even a trace of it.

The moment he pulls away for a breather, his eyes hooded, lips swollen. It’s afternoon, though you do not care about the time. You marvel at the shadows, dancing with purple light on his face, but can only take a mental picture. His mouth is quick to return to yours, hands right behind it. The buckle of your belt clings with the button of his jeans.

Standing on a beach during a cold afternoon. The wind plays with whatever it can touch - waves, strands of hair, the lightest grains of sand. Above the howls you can hear Vernon’s breathing. He doesn’t say anything, maybe listening to the same things as you, maybe thinking about the things beyond. But his presence triumphs over the coldness.

The feeling of being watched that pops up randomly. Always with him, always when he’s sure you’re too busy to notice, always without a word spoken, always in your peripheral vision. You can’t tell whether he just gets lost in thoughts or is admiring you, but you never point it out. Others do it for you.

The buzz of adrenaline surging through your veins when he closes the door behind him. He’s mad, but doesn’t use the piece of wood to have the last sound. He rarely raises his voice, never shows anger through strength, never takes it out on the inanimated objects. The observation instantly causes you to miss him. But you can’t decide which feeling you should listen to - fresh anger, or even fresher loneliness.

CHAN

His voice reaching your ears through the phone every night, without a day off. Sometimes it’s tired, sometimes excited, but always there. He protests whenever you tell him to just hang up and go rest. “Don’t you want to talk with me?” “Of course I do. But you sound sleepy.” “Just five more minutes!” A long silence, and then a sigh. “Alright.”

The times when the only source of comfort he accepts is your embrace. You’re lying on the couch, arms opened for his frowning face. Not a full second passes, and he’s placed on top of you, nose in the crook of your neck, hands on your sides, legs digging underneath yours. Questions are avoided with simple I missed you’s.

Collecting tears down his jawline. Offered hug is rejected, but his pushing hands are weak, unsure in their movement. You can read him like a book, though you do not admit that aloud. He wants you to stay and comfort him. Cling to him despite his attempts at rejection. Chan sniffles. This time when your arms circle him, he does nothing to stop them.

The embarrassment you have to bite down. You’re just as flattered, but the latter feeling is much easier to hide. People are watching, some giggling, honestly enjoying the show,  some are feeling for the position you’re put in. Chan is still smiling widely, his pupils full of adoration. Too scared to do anything else, you decide to hide in his arms, already opened for an embrace. He’s the best type of both lovely and shameless.

Skipping down the stone stairs hand in hand. The rain has made a prompt run to shelter out of your slow afternoon walk. Suddenly, you can feel his fingers pulling at yours. Not down the stairs, but to his side. Chan slips. It’s a split second, somehow long enough to push heart up your throat. He manages to lean on the other leg to regain balance. Again, for a moment. Chan jumps down the last few stairs, straight into a puddle of rain water, successfully spraying you with the small tidal wave created from the impact. “I’m sorry!” but he laughs, so is he really?

➛ pollenat’s list of reactions

➛ pollenat’s list of shorts

[thecagedsong]

Forgotten Light: Chapter 10: Departure

A/N: Hey, going to be a little iffy on the posting schedule. Taking a huge test in 12 days and I have to study all day every day. Take this one though, one of my favorite chapters. I do wonder if the story would be better if I didn’t have so much of the plan laid out beforehand.

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11

Chapter 10: Departure

Everyone was sweating as Agad, the last of their group, reached the High Judgement Pavilion. Only Patton was missing, already on his way to scope out the dragon temple. While they didn’t tell Seth directly, Patton was probably going to use their infuriatingly peaceful flight as a distraction for when he entered.

Seth had spent the afternoon getting everything ready. Whispering to people to pack up and where to go, modifying the treaty to let their mounts out, trying to collect items. Tess had found him and spelled out the names of the demons in Kendra’s journal, and it was only when she spelled out “Tailizar” that he connected that name with demon that had confronted him in the dreamscape. Agad had promised to see if he could locate any of these demons, and Seth stuck their names with Patton’s list of ways to reach the Phantom Isle. He really needed an adventure log. He let Tess keep the journal of secrets, since no one else was going to use it.

“All right,” Seth said, rubbing his hands together. “I see everyone has brought their suitcases, like I said. You’re probably wondering what is going on, and the answer is that all humans and Satyrs are leaving Wyrmroost right now. I’m going to give being caretaker back to Marat, Agad will do what he wants, but the rest of us are heading out.”

Everyone started asking questions at once, but they weren’t letting Seth answer them. Every time he tried to start, someone else would jump in with a point.

Marat struck his staff on the ground, demanding silence. He nodded back at Seth.

“Right, I’ve thought this through and talked it over with Agad and Marat. We’re expecting an attack tonight, and the biggest weakness is the barrel, so we’ll be taking that with us. There’s a spy in the keep I’m going to have to leave Marat to deal with, but to be honest, he’ll probably be able to handle them a lot better than I could.

“We did what we were brought here to do: kept Wyrmroost from falling, strengthened the treaty barriers, and we saved a couple of castles and insulted the dragon king while we were at it. There’s no reason for me to be here, or any of you, and as cool as it has been being the caretaker, I have a couple of leads on finding Kendra, and that’s more important.”

Grandma asked, “How will you get Celebrant to agree to the change in leadership?”

Seth grinned, “Celebrant doesn’t have to. He’s no longer caretaker, revoked by our local dragon slayer. He’ll be angry, I’m counting on it, but no magic says he can tell us to do anything. We’re skipping the Fair Folk bit again, but they already confirmed Marat once, and what are they going to do, write a slightly angry letter?”

“And how do you expect to leave peacefully?” Grandpa asked, arms folded.

“The flying mounts,” Tanu answered before Seth could.

“Yep,” Seth said. “It may have skipped your notice, but we acquired some new wings for our friends. We fly down to the nearest town with a car rental, and we can be back in Fablehaven by tomorrow. To make things easier on our friends, we won’t have them fly us the whole way. And we’ll have some nice stables waiting for them at Fablehaven when they arrive.”

“And the Dragons?” Newel asked. “I still haven’t heard how we’re getting around them if they decide it isn’t poor taste to eat poultry and red meat in the same meal.”

Doren slapped a hand to his head, “Of course, the Cloak of Innocence.”

“I would normally be loathe to test the cloak against multiple dragons,” Agad said, “As they are undoubtably watching us, but it is a short trip, the numbers within the cloak’s ability, even with the mounts. The cloak has also proven effective against dragon fear, ensuring you retain the ability to stay seated.”

“Oh, and we’re taking the barrel with us,” Seth said, not remembering if he had already mentioned it, “Marat, did we get anything for that?”

Marat waved a golden feather, “This will significantly lighten the barrel, making it possible to carry if secured correctly.”

“Cool, any other questions?” Seth said, “We’ve been keeping this underwraps, hoping to be able to walk right out of here. Celebrant isn’t going to expect us to just leave, certainly not in broad daylight, which makes this the perfect time.”

“Wait, does this mean we’re going to be riding horses?” Newel asked, absolutely affronted.

“Actually, it’s not so bad,” Doren admitted quietly. “I had to, in order to stay with the littles. Felt a little off, but it won’t kill ya.”

“Look, I would really like you guys with me,” Seth said, “But if you’d rather stay here…”

Newel huffed, “Now I don’t appreciate being strong armed, I’ll go, but it’s unnatural is all.”

“So Marat, how do I do this?” Seth asked, and the dragon avatar stepped forward.

“First you’re going to have to denounce Kendra as a caretaker. You were appointed together as one, and you are both required to make decisions regarding the mantle. Kendra has been gone for long enough, that you can officially declare her as having abandoned the post, and accept all the responsibilities as sole caretaker. Hold the staff, hold the amulet, and repeat after me.”

Seth accepted the staff and repeated what Marat told him to. If Kendra had her memory, she would be so mad over what he was accusing her of: abandoning responsibilities, disregard for the treaty, and in her absence, he accepted sole power and responsibility for the preserve.

There was a glow from both the medallion and the tip of the staff. When it settled down, Agad stepped forward.

“Seth, remove the medallion from around your neck,” he instructed. He did so. “And repeat after me.”

Seth recited the same oath that Marat had asked him to take a little over a week ago.

“Do you, Marat nee Camarat, vow to protect the outside world from the living beings at Wyrmroost, and to shelter the living beings at Wyrmroost from any outside threats?”

“Yes,” Marat said, his head bowed.

“Then as the current caretaker of Wyrmroost and as master of Blackwell Keep, of my own free will, I hereby confer my stewardship over Wyrmroost to Marat nee Camarat, including all rights pertaining to a designated and official caretaker of this sanctuary together with all privileges available to the master of Blackwell Keep.”

Seth placed the medallion over Marat’s head, and they shook hands.

Agad let out a breath, “It is done. You have done this war a great service, Seth Sorenson.”

“Hey, maybe this isn’t goodbye forever to Wyrmroost,” Seth said, smiling, “It’s been fun, feel free to call on my services again after we get Kendra back.”

“We will try to let you grow up first,” Agad said. He walked to the side of the pavilion, it was fairly large, and waved a hand towards the stables.

A minute later, those who hadn’t yet seen the mounts were appreciating them. Tess looked like she had gone to heaven.

“I get to ride one?” Tess asked, bouncing.

“You’re going to be with your brother,” Agad said, smiling at her. “His steed is the majestic flying camel, Bagak.” Tess squealed and ran up the camel, talking a million miles a minute.

“Do I have to ride with her?” Knox complained.

“Bagak is the most secure,” Agad said, “We don’t have saddles that accommodate wings. Make no mistake, Tess is possibly the most important member of this party. Without her, everyone fails.”

Seth, meanwhile, was making introductions, “Grandma, this is Glory. She’s Kendra’s mount, and one of the mute luvians. Glory, would you be willing to take my grandma out of the preserve and to the outskirts of the city?”

Glory neighed and stomped once for yes.

“You are quite beautiful,” Grandma admired offering her hand and waiting for affirmation to stroke, “And Kendra picked you because you like Jane Austen, right?”

“Captain!” Seth called, pulling Grandpa behind him. “Patton’s gone, he was only a stingbulb, but I’m hoping you’d be willing to take my Grandpa?”

“I remember Patton was only temporary,” Captain said, “as a group, we have decided to stick together and give your goals what aide we can. I would be honored to carry your esteemed elder.”

“The honor would be mine,” Grandpa said bowing.

Seth found the dark gray stallion, and asked quietly, “Rodolfo, are you sure you’re okay leaving Lomo behind? I’d understand if you wanted to stay by him. He’s the only one you agreed to carry.”

“I heard you with Captain, and I stand by that. Lomo also encouraged me to stay with your group. Frustrated by his own race’s neutrality, he encouraged me to assist you in what I can,” Rodolfo told him.

“Good, I’m glad to have you with us,” Seth said, “You get the strangest riders. Go easy on them, they spook easily.”

Rodolfo seemed amused as he followed Seth to where the satyrs were standing apart from the group.

“Newel, Doren, this is Rodolfo, he has volunteered to carry you out of here,” Seth said. “I told him to go easy on your two because you’re scardy cats and this is unnatural.”

“I resemble that remark,” Doren said.

“You sure he’s up for carrying both of us?” Newel asked.

Rodolfo snorted, “I could carry you both and another besides.” Then he calmed down, “I swear that you will have safe journey on my back.”

“Sorry,” Newel said, “We’ve just never gotten along well with Centaurs, and have never met Luvians, but you seem an alright sort, I suppose.”

Seth left to find Nobel, who was waiting for him.

“Sorry about that buddy,” Seth said, “That was my last bit of being in charge for a while, had to do a good job of it. We’re going to be following Tanu and Charlemagne out of here, right?”

Nobel stomped once.

“Good, alright. If dragons try to bother us, I’m going to be the one talking to them. I won’t be focused on staying with the group then, you’re going to have to do that for me.”

Nobel tapped once again, then tossed his head. Seth smiled, “Yeah, I so got the coolest one.”

It took longer than Seth liked to get everyone mounted up and settled. Grandma made sure everyone had their weapons firmly put out of reach so that no accidents killed them all by disrupting the cloak of innocence’s power. The barrel ended up tied alongside Captain, weighing as much as a feather thanks to the magical item. They made sure Tess knew all the people and animals inside the protection of the cloak. Finally, they were ready about 5:30, which gave them a little over three hours before sunset.

“Until we meet again,” the caretaker brothers said in unison. They didn’t look anything alike, but their manners matched in that moment as the two dragons in human form bowed to the party.

“Lead on Charlemagne,” Seth called. They took off, and the heat fell away as they soared on the breeze. Seth decided to start counting, see how long it would take for a dragon to attack them.

He got bored and stopped, but it didn’t take long for one to approach.

“And where are you going, little caretaker?” a female voice asked. A black dragon surged from the surrounding woods into the air beside them.

“Oh, I’m not caretaker anymore,” Seth said, “I gave that over to Marat. Celebrant’s tantrums got boring; they aren’t worth my time.”

The dragon pulled back and a surge of green fire surrounded them, deflected by the bubble of Tess’s cloak.

“Now that was rude,” Seth said, as the breath weapon subsided, “Here we are, trying to leave peacefully, and you try to set us on fire.” He leaned forward on Nobel and stoked his neck. Dropping to a whisper he said, “Stay steady, don’t spook.”

There was a grunt Seth couldn’t interpret, but it was strong enough that Seth leaned back.

“Celebrant did not accept this change! He was not aware. You lie.”

Seth shook his head, “Take it up with the caretaker, Marat is back at Blackwell Keep. It might be hard, since Celebrant tore down the roost. The Somber Knight stripped Celebrant of his caretaker status, and since it’s no longer his business who is caretaker, we didn’t feel the need to inform him of the change. If he doesn’t know, you should hurry and tell him.”

The black dragon took off with three harsh beats of her wings. Not even the wind affected them, instead slipping around the barrier.

“Seth, here’s an idea, maybe don’t taunt the dragons?” Doren called back with a strained voice.

“Seconded,” Grandpa called from in front of him, “Protection from magical fear is all well and good, but we don’t need to make this experience anymore terrifying than it already is. Everyone okay?”

A round of affirmatives came, the silent horses whinnying.

Calvin flew up close on Thistleton.

“Should I try scouting like last time?” Calvin asked.

Seth shook his head, “Stay within the cover of the cloak. We don’t know how far we can stretch this bubble, and everyone staying together would be better. Go up to Charlemagne and ask how long until we reach the barrier.”

“Aye sir!” Calvin said. “Let’s go Thistleton!”

Calvin came back and reported forty minutes until they reached the boundary. Seth took out his spy glass and pointed it towards Sky Hold, but couldn’t focus it right while moving. He put it away and hoped. Hoped the black dragon was a chatterbox, discrediting Celebrant even further. Hoped she wasn’t as fast as she looked, and it would take her at least thirty minutes to make it to Sky Hold. They had bet a lot on this plan, and Seth really, really, really hoped it would work.

Ten minutes of fairly smooth flying (they had a small detour away from a herd of Peryton), and Seth was starting to feel hopeful. A dragon came up, but didn’t speak, just flew beside them, then dropped back down. Then twenty minutes down, twenty minutes to go, Calvin confirmed that they were on track.

A roar echoed along through the air, startling several flocks of birds, and even a couple of their flying mounts falter.

“Steady,” Grandma called.

“Seems like Celebrant just got the news,” Seth called to everyone.

“Pull in tighter,” Grandpa said, “As close as possible without jeopardizing speed. The less stretched the cloak, the better it will be able to protect us.”

Their mounts obeyed, and Seth started tapping his thigh nervously and checking over his shoulder towards Sky Hold. Five minutes later, according to his watch, because it felt like thirty minutes to him, Seth looked back and saw the streak of adamantine silver wings pushing towards them. Seth forced himself not to look back again.

“What is the meaning of this!” Celebrant demanded pulling to a stop in front of them. Their mounts reared in the air at the block.

“Keep going forward,” Knox called when their mounts pulled up. “he’ll be forced back, just like the first time I was here.”

“He’s right Charlemagne,” Seth called, “Keep going.”

Hesitantly, the mounts started forward again, and Celebrant snarled as he was the one forced back.

“I will not be ignored!” he roared. And it was exactly as terrible as it had been the day he and Kendra had had their interview.

“Uggh,” Seth said, wrinkling his nose, “I see you didn’t take my advice about the breath mints.”

“Do you admit to fleeing your post caretaker?” Celebrant demanded. “I would destroy you for your insolence!”

“As I told your spy,” Seth answered, “I’m not the caretaker. I gave the job back to Marat, and you can’t complain. The Somber Knight fired you for doing a terrible job! Go take it up with Marat back at Blackwell Keep. We’re leaving.”

Celebrant roared again, this time with the full strength of his breath weapon. Four other breath weapons joined from the rest of his entourage.  

Calvin flew up beside him, and as quietly as he could, said, “The barrier is weakening by the Satyrs.”

Oh no. He was used to Kendra holding the magic item, Tess didn’t have the same magic juice in her.

“Tell everyone to get ready to dash,” Seth whispered back. Calvin took off and he took a deep breath.

“Celebrant!” Seth roared back, hoping he was about  “I’ve met babies with better manners than you! We are leaving Wyrmroost in peace. You lie and cheat and still can’t beat a couple of kids. How does it feel to screw up so many times in just two weeks? Now leave us alone, you spineless piece of shit!”

“LANGUAGE!” Grandma yelled.

“Sorry!” Seth yelled back, “Celebrant, back off you piece of rotting troll dung! We’re leaving and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

The breath weapon ceased, and Celebrant looked more livid than Seth had ever seen him. “YOU DARE INSULT ME! I WILL BURN YOUR BONES TO ASH AND FEAST UPON YOUR HORSES —” Celebrant was forced to the side as Charlemagne charged forward.

 “The gate is in sight!” Tanu called.

“YOU FLEE LIKE COWARDS AND FLAUNT OUR CAGE! YOU WILL DIE HERE, SETH SORENSON!”

 “And your mother was a chicken nugget!” Seth shouted over his shoulder, clinging to Nobel with all his might.

Celebrant swiped with claws at the barrier, forcing it to turn temporarily opaque. Another dragon, brown, attacked from above, and the black one struck above the Satyrs, their shrieks were barely heard over the large cracking sound of their barrier.

Options, he needed options! The moment the cloak broke they were all dead. Why hadn’t he claimed the bow from Kendra?

The bag of winds! Seth scrambled, and pulled the small sack out of his adventure kit.

“I have the rear!” he called to his family over the crack of the brown dragon attacking again. “Everyone keep sprinting.”

Nobel resisted a little, but let Seth tug him exactly behind Bagak. He readied the bag of winds as the black dragon swiped. The shield was remaining opaque for longer and longer. The black dragon chomped at the shield, and it shattered. With a roar, Celebrant dived directly for him.

Seth waited until just before Celebrant reached the fading shield, angling it to catch on the flat of his wings. He braced as much as he could without losing his hold on Nobel. Seth opened the bag as wide as it would go. The protection, currently a cracked shell, vanished under his attack. Celebrant was blown off course, his swipe missing—

Celebrant vanished, along with his allies. Seth blinked at the empty sky. Gazing downward, gone were the lush, colorful trees. There was no Blackwell keep in the distance, and no enormous mountain peaks where Thronis watched, probably laughing.

It took a second for the cheering of his friends to hit. But it hit like the colder air and Seth collapsed against Nobel and he dropped the bag of winds. Calvin caught it and flew it back up to him.

“You were awesome,” Seth said to his horse.

“No, you were amazing!” Newel said, inching Rodolfo closer. “We thought it was our turn to become barbeque!”

“Indeed,” Rodolfo said, “You and Nobel showed great courage.”

“I don’t know about you guys,” Seth said, “But I can take a little break before we do that again. And I need a hamburger. Now.”

Doren and Newel absolutely agreed.

[timbertumbr]

Boneafide Gamer (A Reverse Harem Fic)

Chapter 1, Signing In

Quotev Link

Welp- Guess who’s joining the skeleton train?!

Note: When it's in your perspective, it's more than likely going to use the boys Usernames instead of their Nicknames since they legit just met so… here's a list of the usernames I've come up with-

Blue (Underswap Sans): Magnificent Blueberry

Stretch (Underswap Papyrus): Carrot

I'll add more as the boys are introduced. (Also for the horror bros I'm using ratsoh-writes nicknames.)

Finally, after a year of waiting, you have it!  Basic MMORPG VR edition! You squeal before thanking the delivery person and closing the door.

You tear open the packaging as you enter the room, open the case and put the disc into your computer. You gently place the case onto the desk before setting up your V.R set. The game boots up as you put on the VR goggles and you begin the intro. 

"Welcome to Basic MMORPG VR edition. A world that was heavily inspired by Sword Art Online, but our game is much better in so many ways! Would you like a list?" Snorting, you select yes.

"You do not have to fight any creatures in this game.

There are many skill sets to choose from like cooking, fishing, farming, bounty hunting and many many more!

A world that gets updated throughout the seasons.

Create, craft, or find many items the world or players around you provide.

You are not strictly assigned to a specific class, want to be a mage that wields a sword? You can BE a mage that wields a sword!

There are-" Holy crap, this list is long… you'd review it later, you wanted to get to the good stuff! Gameplay!

You enter the character customization screen and make your persona. Then came the most difficult part of making a character, giving it a name!

You tapped your foot as you thought of what to name them… do you want something funny? Something normal? Or something stupid? Man, this is hard…

You go for the grandest name of all "fart." You snicker as you accept the name, knowing you could change it whenever.

Hitting "confirm," you wait as the game loads on a public server. And when it loads in, there aren't a lot of people on… Wasn't there a lot of hype for this game?

You shrugged and went to the infamous Quest Master to receive your class, first weapon, and first quest. 

After all was said and done, you were "fart," jack of all trades (because you couldn't choose just ONE of all these cool classes!) And off you went to the fields to complete your first quest, kill/befriend/collect 5 slimes. 

Holding your multiweapon tight, (Again, you were VERY indecisive and basically created a multitool for weapons.) You venture into the fields to see a lot of slime and very few people.

Legit, there were only two people here. Skeletons, one named "Magnificent Blueberry" and the other named "Carrot." Very fitting considering their choice of armor/robes.

Intrigued, you decide to focus on your quest conveniently close to the skeletons, waiting for the chance to jump in their conversation and make friends! Haha! Genius!

While you slashed more than the acquired amount of slimes with your sword, the short skeleton was reading all the features this game held while the tall one was trying to figure out the controls.

"OH WOW! PAPY, DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE CREATURES?!" Blueberry exclaimed using voice chat, turning to his struggling younger brother.

"Really? I think we both know who'd like that," Stretch says amused, Blueberry huffing before helping Stretch with the controls.

"INDEED! OKA WOULD LOVE TO MAKE A SLIME FARM! (THE TRIGGER IS TO ACTIVATE STUFF LIKE GRABBING AND DROPPING ITEMS) AND I THINK EDGE WOULD BE MORE THAT HAPPY TO HAVE A CAT 'ARMY,'" Blueberry exclaims, happy that there's so much to do in this game! (Even if it is a waste of time according to Edge.) 

Stretch nods, finally getting used to the controls and thanking Blueberry, who enthusiastically welcomes him.

"What other features are there?" Stretch asks curiously, peering at the cybernetic screen on Blue's arm.

"OH LOT'S! THERE'S HUNDREDS OF FEATURES IN THIS!" Blue exclaims before scanning the list to look for one Stretch may like.

"Oh wow," Stretch comments amazed, he knew there was a lot but HUNDREDS?! It's every gamer's dream! (Red may enjoy that.) 

"LIKE THIS ONE! IF YOU HOVER OVER A PLAYER, YOU CAN ADD THEM TO A PARTY! LET'S DO IT!" Stretch shrugs.

"Sure, why not?" With stars in his sockets, he hovers his disembodied hand over Stretch and adds him to a party which Stretch accepted the request for. Blue then renames the party to "THE AMAZING DUO!" Stretch raises a bone brow with an amused smile.

"Really?"

"REALLY! OH LOOK, A POTENTIAL FRIEND!" Blue exclaims, finally noticing you. However you were focused on the slimes.

"They've been there forever though," Stretch points out.

"WHA? PAPY, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!" Blue says sadly, Stretch shrugs again.

"They seemed busy," Blueberry looked at you again and you were still focused on the slimes.

"WELL, MAYBE THEY NEED A BREAK!" Blueberry exclaims before approaching you. Stretch sighs before hesitantly following his brother. 

"GREETINGS FART!" He exclaims, causing you to burst out laughing.

"Ahaha! I knew that name was a great choice!" You say before turning to the smiling short skeleton.

"[Insert pun here] MWHEHE!" You hear a groan come from the taller skeleton that just arrived.

"Hehe! That was a good one! As you know, I'm Fart. And you're…?"

"I'M THE MAGNIFICENT BLUEBERRY, MWHEHE! BUT YOU MAY JUST CALL ME BLUEBERRY OR BLUE!" Blue exclaims.

"I'm Carrot," Stretch says afterwards, causing you to snicker.

"Those are great names! Say, what are your classes?" 

"WARRIOR OF PEACE!"

"Mage, You?" You chuckle sheepishly at the question.

"I… chose all of them…" You admit, making Carrot snort.

"Couldn't settle for one huh?" Stretch asks amused, you cross your arms and huff.

"Hey! It's not my fault there's so many choices!" You exclaim.

"I THINK IT'S NEAT!" Blue chimes in making you smile.

"Thank you Blue. Hey, are you guys new to the game?" You ask and they both nod.

"Well, so am I! How about we explore together?" You suggest, Blue lit up like a Christmas tree.

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA! LET'S GO NEW FRIEND FART!" Blue exclaims before leading the way, you and Carrot snicker and follow after.

So you spent the entire day exploring the HUGE town made for beginners and it's also a hangout/meetup area for experienced players. You got witty remarks from Carrot, puns and fun little facts and features from Sans as you explored. Before you all knew it, night had arrived and you had to log off.

"Oh shoot! It's 8 already?! I gotta go guys, thanks for exploring with me!" You announce making Blue jump.

"IT'S 8?!" Blue yelled before quickly logging off, leaving you with Carrot.

"He… doesn't play games a lot. He usually works hard," Carrot explains, you nod.

"Makes sense," You say before you go to log off.

"Wait a minute," Carrot says before you press the logout button.

"Could I get your discord? I have some… cousins that could use some social interaction from someone like you," You smile.

"Is this your way of telling me you want to hang out more?" You ask in a teasing tone, Carrot snorts.

"Yes and no," He answers simply with a smirk. You exchange discord usernames and codes (Cheesepuff ####) before saying your final goodbyes and logging off. 

You take off the VR headset and wince from the lack of light and strain on your eyes. You shut off everything and begin your nightly routine. Once done, you scoop up your phone and check your messages on discord. 

Cheesepuff: Yo, it's Carrot. I came to wish the jack of all trades goodnight. And to tell you Blueberry says he's sorry he left so suddenly.

You snicker before replying.

(Username): Thank you Carrot. Tell Blue I said it's okay. Goodnight to both of you!

You then go to message your friend hoping they weren't asleep already.

(Username): Dude! I made friends! :D

Totally not the writer: Oh? Do tell.

And so you do, telling them EVERYTHING! 

Totally not the writer: Woah. I gotta get that game. And they sound nice but keep on your toes okay? Not everyone is who they seem.

(Username): Don't worry, I will! Good night you night owl. (You better go to sleep once you send YOUR good night.)

Totally not the writer: No promises. Night.

Sighing, you shut off your phone and head to sleep and dream of Slimes, Carrots and Blueberries.

Holy shit! That took a while to write. One pair of boys down, 4 to go… Will the other chapters be as long as this one? It honestly depends but let's hope not for both our sakes.

So we got ourselves a new series! Huzzah! I’ll try and post the chapters here with links to the next as the series goes on but I could also post it onto quotev or something if you guys prefer that.

Next Chapter

[falling-fineline]

Native of mine you’re just my kind

(A Cake one shot)

Title and lyrics from “Lonely Hearts” by 5SOS and some inspiration from Ashton’s breakdown of CALM that he did for #1yearofCALM.

Summary: Distance makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. What they don’t tell you is that it also exhaustingly lonely.

Warnings: smut and fluff! You’ve been warned!

can also be found on ao3!

Our house on fire

We’re burning

We dance inside

You’re hurting

If you leave me in the morning

I’ll have such a

Such a lonely heart

“I’m only gone for a week to see the family, Luke. Not moving back there forever. Plus, it’s my fourth day here so there’s technically four more days until you see me again. There’s no need to bring out that pout of yours, pet.” Calum rolls his brown eyes but smiles fondly at how childish his boyfriend is being right now.

Luke pouts for a second longer at the screen, then a small grin breaks the pout.

The blond loved these facetimes they have. There were no verbal promises but they’ve been facetiming at least twice a day, sometimes more. Mostly about silly things, most calls that don’t last more than 5 minutes. But these little nuggets of seeing calum’s really are the sole thing that’s Luke got looking forward to every day since Calum’s been gone. Luke won’t admit it to himself, and he thinks that Calum has caught on but just doesn’t say anything about it, but most of the calls are from Luke, and it’s whenever he gets a spike of ice cold fear that he calls Calum. An irrational fear, he knows, that calum’s going to stay in Aus, and not come back, essentially breaking up with him.

Aside from walking Petunia around the block every morning and night, Luke hasn’t doesn’t anything else other than lying around in bed, waiting for Calum to call him.

A pretty sad sounding existence, he knows. But ever since Calum left to visit his family in Australia a few days ago, luke’s been spiraling. He had sensed the his mental fragility settling in when he said goodbye to Calum at the airport and his mood has had a downward trajectory ever since. Luke went from quarantining with Calum ever since they came back from tour, seeing Calum every day, to suddenly not seeing him. This has thrown his head into a pitiful sad loop.

“Luke, you still with me, love? I know it’s late over there in LA but you called me.” A light chuckle rang out from Luke’s phone, in his hands as he laid on his side in bed.

“I just… couldn’t sleep. Wanted to see your stupid face again.”

Luke actually hadn’t slept for more than 2-3 hours every night ever since Calum left. This morning, Luke woke up, head in a hazy state, and just sat out on their balcony, staring at absolutely nothing. Begging to feel the sun that’s shining on him, the warm hug she would have beared for him. Anything but this dark pit that regenerated out of thin air, in his chest, that seeped into his bones during the night Calum left and he hasn’t felt a thing in days.

Calum sees through Luke right away. It’s as if their souls were grown in the same origin, or something. Calum’s the only one that takes one look at luke and instantly reads him like an open book. Eager to read every word, every sentence, meticulous in not missing any clues along the way.

“Luke, you can be honest with me. This is your 5th call ever since I woke up and I’ve only been for 6 hours. I’m not saying to call me less, but today’s been a lot, huh? How have you been feeling?” calum’s concerned brown orbs search Luke’s through the screen, trying to see any minute change in the blond’s features that would give him away.

Luke closes his eyes for a moment, thinking of a suitable answer. He readjusts on the bed so he’s sitting up against the headboard. The younger lad had been so caught up in his head, wallowing in his sadness, he hadn’t really checked in with how he was feeling. Luke’s speak is thoughtful when he speaks.

“ive been feeling… lonely. Nothing new to me, nothing new to you.” A dry chuckle leaves the blond’s mouth and he see’s his boyfriend readjust in his own bed, mimicking Luke’s position. Calum’s eyes are filled with concern for the blond, a frown on his lips.

“now what have we talked about using humour to minimise how you’re feeling? Remember, for me to understand how you’re feeling, you gotta be honest with me, especially with how you feel.”

“I just hope that you’re missing me half as much as I’m missing you right now, cal.” Tears begin to form in the blond’s eyes, making his vision of Calum a misty one. But he continues on with how he truly feels. “Like, my heart hurts whenever you’re not here with me. I’ve got such a lonely heart without you here, cal.” A choked sob escapes out of the younger lad’s lips. He’s quick to wipe his tears with his hoodie sleeve before he looks like a right mess in front of his boyfriend.

“Oh, pet. Don’t cry. If anything, I do miss you, so, so, much. My chest can barely hold myself together. Every song reminds me of you and I’ve been listening to my music nonstop without you here with me. Mali keeps making fun of me cuz I’m glued to my phone, chatting with you all day long.” A wet grin appears on Luke’s lips then, reveling in the feeling of being missed. Of being thought about. Of feeling wanted.

Interest grows in Luke’s as he watches Calum innocently lick his lips. A low groan comes out of Luke’s mouth as he sinks into the bedframe, sinking deeper into his beige hoodie, his hood flipping flat on his blond locks.

“oh, I know those eyes whenever I see them. You in the mood right now, Hemmings?” Luke blushes even when he sees Calum strip out of his black calm sweatshirt through his screen, revealing a number of scattered tattoos all over his abdomen and arms. Luke drools at the thought of what comes next.

Luke begins to play with his growing bulge that’s beginning to come alive in his briefs, causing the camera to shake a bit. Calum noticed the movement and smirks.

“Are you touching yourself right now, babe? Is me being shirtless causing you to become hot and bothered, my boy?” just to seemingly directly add to Luke’s erection and to the mental wanking log he has of visuals of Calum, Calum flexes his tattooed arm for the camera, muscles seemingly bulging out of his skin.

Luke moans in luau of responding, one hand starts the task of getting his dick out of his briefs and one hand holding the phone steady. He moves his camera back a bit, revealing his angry red cock that glistens at the tip with precome. Calum’s whistles lowly at seeing his boyfriend’s big cock.

Luke overtly stares at calum’s tattooed arm. The way the 5 o’clock shadows are casted on his muscles, clinging to every curve and jutted out vein. The blond fantasizes that it’s calum’s hand that’s jerking himself off right now, arm pumping up and down, muscles working overtime to get Luke to his climax.

Luke’s eyes become hooded eyelashes fluttering as he feels the familiar warmth coil itself in his abdomen, close to release. Mouth hanging open, Calum doesn’t think Luke realizes the soft continuous “ah ah ah’s” that are leaking out of his mouth as he feels his orgasm building. Small tears escape his eyes with how good Luke feels as he imagines it’s his boyfriend’s thumb that goes over the tip of his leaking cock, sliding his precome over his slick dick. At one point during their FaceTime, Luke had stopped jerking himself off to hike up the beige hoodie that he has on, tucking it under his chin, revealing perky nipples and pale skin with luscious chest hair.

“Look how pretty my boy is, all desperate for me.” Luke preens at calum’s words, warmth growing in his cheeks and heart. “Look how beautiful you are, at worked up, just from imagining me jerking your big huge cock off. And it’s at for me, my eyes only. God damn it Hemmings, what am I gonna do with you?” Calum lips his lips in anticipation. Luke loved when Calum got possessive in their dirty talk. It made him feel wanted, lusted over, and more importantly, loved.

A low whine escapes Luke’s lips as the blond imagines face-fucking Calum. He’d take his cock so nicely into his mouth. His greedy greedy mouth. Luke imagines calum’s jaw going slack as the brunet succumbs to his own pleasure and with a dazed look in his brown orbs, the blond imagines fucking calum’s throat relentlessly as he jerks himself to climax.

With a shout of calum’s name, Luke comes all over his stomach and chest, huge spurts of white spunk paints his chest hair, mingling in the unruly curls.

Eyes glazed over with his orgasm, the blond sees his boyfriend’s mouth open in a silent scream as Calum cums too in his own pants.

After a couple minutes of silence from both ends as they came down from their orgasmic highs, Luke chuckles.

“I really needed that cal. Thanks. I’m so relaxed now…”

They stay on the line for a while longer, just smiling like goofs to each other.

[leatha-starks]

Hello beautiful people!

This post is bittersweet and quite long.

I’ve been back in the states for 8 days now, after my program shut down and sent everyone home due to the pandemic currently making its way around the globe (you may have heard about it?) My last few days in Prague were stressful, chaotic, sad and tiring, just to name a few of the emotions I was feeling. It started with my parents calling me at 2:30 in the morning and telling me to pack up my stuff because a travel ban was being put in place- thus the chaos ensued. After that call I was up and about, as were my roommates and many other students. We were all communicating with each other, most people freaking out, others really confused. A few left immediately, and honestly I don’t know how they packed their stuff so fast. And others said they were leaving later in the week. In all honesty, I didn’t really know what to think or what to feel. The next couple days were basically meetings with our whole program, our last classes, and the verdict that the program was being shut down. Everyone started saying their goodbyes. It was pretty heartbreaking.

Friday, March 13th: I spent the day walking around Prague, taking pictures, and looking for gifts for a few people, and I guess just taking in what would be my last couple days in Prague. It was sunny and it was beautiful, but it was also sad.

Saturday, March 14th: this was my last official day in the Czech Republic. I went back to the school to return some things I had checked out and there ended up being a group of us there. And we decided to make the most of it - we group ordered from Wing Haus to be delivered to the school, and then we set up shop in one of the classrooms. I logged into Netflix and we all sat, ate wings, and watched Shrek 2 together and it was probably the most precious moment of my entire time abroad. One of our advisors even joined us. It was definitely a memory I will cherish forever.

Sunday, March 15th: my official goodbye. I woke up, finished packing, carried my three heavy suitcases down four flights of stairs and Ubered to the airport. There was absolutely no one outside. It was like Prague became a ghost town overnight. Now, you would think things wouldn’t be as stressful once I got to the airport but that just wasn’t the case.

The check in desk doesn’t open until two hours before the plane is expected to take off, so naturally, I got there two hours before the plane was expected to take off. And the line was long and moving extremely slow. My plane was set to leave at 10:50AM. I got up to the airport at 8:50AM and didn’t get up to the desk until 10:20AM. So at this point I’m already stressed. And then the woman tells me that she can’t find my connecting flight in London which means she can’t send my luggage all the way to Seattle, she can only send them to London. And I have NO IDEA what that means for me once I get to London, but she tells be that when I get there I can just go to the transfer desk and send my luggage forward. By the time this whole exchange ends, it’s 10:30, and I’m in Terminal 1, and my flight is in Terminal 2 which apparently is an unnecessarily long trek. So now I’m running through the airport and I go through this thing and I have to get my passport checked and then I’m lost trying to find my gate and I get to the gate at 10:40 and I get on the plane. The stress ends for about 2 hours until I land in London.

I’ve never been to the London airport before, so I don’t understand anything. When I land, I have a 2 hour layover, I follow the others until I find the connections wing, or whatever. I get on a bus that will take me to a separate terminal where my connecting flight is. When I get to that terminal, I go through this whole chaotic thing to try and get my boarding pass. I talk to four people and finally this guy is able to find the flight and print out the boarding pass. And then I ask him about my bags and he tells me that I should’ve picked them up in the terminal and re-checked them! So, super stressed, I go down to the baggage claim of terminal 5 (I landed at terminal 3) and I find the help desk (there is no transfer desk by the way) and I talk to this very kind lady who does everything she can to help me. She calls in a favor, and asks this guy who is in charge of baggage over at terminal 3 to find my bags and bring them over and load them onto my flight. He says he’ll do it. She says they’ll be there. And I say okay. Now I have to get back into the airport because I had to leave the security area to get to the baggage claim. So I make my way back up, go through security, and get to my gate 20 minutes before boarding, just hoping that my bags gets onto the flight. Spoiler alert: my bags did not make it onto the flight. When I landed in Seattle, I went through customs, got to baggage claim, and they were not there. So I talked to another lady, she takes down my information, says she’ll find the bags and keep me updated. I say okay, and leave to go meet my parents and tell them about the terrible day I had just had.

Sunday night I got a text that they had located my bags (they were still in London) and that they’d be on the next flight out to Seattle.

Monday night my bags were delivered to the house and I got all my stuff.

And now I’m 8 days into self-quarantine and I am bored out of my mind. I’m happy to be home but also sad I had to leave my program at all. I miss everyone there and I hope things die down soon.

If you read this far, props to you. And I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy!

✌🏼

[waitingissuchpain]

In Consult - Chapter 2

Characters: Jungkook, IU, OC, Lisa

Genre: Slowburn, Office!AU, Angst, Fluff, Mentions of Smut

Pairings: Jungkook x Y/N, Jungkook x IU

Chapter 1

Plot: Eri Kim. A 20-year old fresh graduate who got accepted into her first job as a process executive. Once she was introduced to the production floor, there she met Yukio Mita. A tenured agent who was assigned to help the new hires out, including herself. Slowly as time goes by, Eri found herself being attracted to Yukio. Seems harmless right? That’s when she realizes Yukio has a girlfriend. Would she continue on with her feelings or should she back off?

New faces. New clothes. New surroundings. Seeing handbags and sophisticated things in their hands instead of piles of readings and a backpack is so weird to me. They all look so… serious and mature. Am I really in the right place? Thank God I’m with Hisa. Grinning at her widely as I tug on her sleeve. “You ready?” I ask as Hisa grins, shaking her head softly as he sighs. “Lets get it on bitch.” 

Walking straight inside the building, being greeted warmly by the staff as we both grin widely, saying our hellos loudly as we giggle, running inside to the hall where we’re going to have our first few orientations from the company. 

The start was already going so good. Just when we thought it couldn’t get better, we thought wrong. Walking into another building, seeing the biggest search engine in the world’s logo in the lobby of the office made my jaw drop. Holy shit, it was real. It wasn’t a scam. 

“Ya.. this is the real shit. Can you imagine we’re going to work at this kind of place?” I mumble a whisper to Hisa, who was equally checking out the place, nodding slowly. “Jackpot.”

Imagine getting any better than that? Huh. The following week, we went to another building. They said this is where we’ll work. And might I just say, Holy Lord God did I save a whole country in my afterlife to deserve this kind of work and workplace? Jesus Christ.

The smell of fresh lavender engulfing my nose as we walk around the lobby of our building, seeing the fun and quirky seats on the sides and the big sign of “Diagonally” on the receptionist’s desk. The staff smiling widely as we were escorted to the conference room, it didn’t even look like a conference room at all. It felt like a theater if I were to be honest. 

“Working here would be a fucking dream.” I mumble loud enough for Hisa to hear. “I know.” She replies. And then our trainer came in, introduced herself and I’ve never had a more friendly trainer in my life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being able to work in one of the biggest and most prestigious companies in the world, it’s expected that the training period would take forever. Thank God our trainer was kind enough to teach us everything there is in the easiest way possible. She made us understand clearly every lesson and tool we were to use at the production floor, where we’re going to work. 

We were already enjoying the time we spent with each and everyone in our wave. Our trainer, even the room where we’re always at. We were starting to get comfortable - well at least I was. I had people I can call as mom and dad, a few pairs at least. But before we knew it, we were being sent down to the production floor for nesting. You can call it as a trial period to see if you’re fit for the work given or if you’ll have to say goodbye. 

Nerve-wrecking. Anxious. Everything negative I was already feeling it. Do you know that feeling when your gums suddenly gets so itchy you can’t do anything about it? Yeah. That kind of feeling. God, we were going to be put to the test, whether we’re worthy enough to handle cases or are we just not for this job.

First day at the job, even though I was part of the less fortunate people in our wave who only had one day of rest for that week, I was excited and scared at the same time. A part of it was because Hisa’s schedule is different from mine. Separation Anxiety? Maybe. Walking into the office, all dressed up and had a smile on my face as I greeted the security guard before finally entering the production floor. Hm, Odd enough there wasn’t many people present that day - well it was a sunday so I guess it’s understandable. 

You know those typical scenes in the movies where everyone’s rushing to get the papers off their hands, or when they’re running around the floor trying to read the papers they had as quick as possible while drinking their steaming hot coffee? Yeah i didn’t see that in our office. It’s a lot more… chill here. 

“Wave 48?” I was taken back to reality when a girl with pretty highlights on her hair and comfy clothes called out our wave, smiling widely as we all walk towards her and two other guys beside her, greeting them a good afternoon since it was almost going to be 2pm, start of our first shift. Our first day. 

“Okay, so just look for an open station where no one’s assigned to and go log in. Once everyone’s settled we’ll be starting the shift.” She explains with a smile as we all disperse to look for a place we’d be comfortable in working at. Settling for a seat close to the window just because the view looks so gorgeous. Something I can look out at when I already feel stressed from the cases I’ll be receiving. 

It’s been about fifteen minutes since I’ve logged in onto my laptop, just scrolling through the tools that we’ll be using as well as looking at my social media accounts here and there when the Production floor GC started to make noise. “Hello, I’ll be assigning 5 cases per person in awhile.” Someone said in the gc while we all acknowledged, waiting for the cases to load onto our laptops as I plug in my earphones, already opening up spotify to play some music to distract my nervousness.

“Don’t worry, you can ask us for clarifications before you send out the emails you’ll be composing. Just track them onto the tracker when you’re done and wait for our go signal.” They explained as we were all nodding and getting ready to show them what we’ve got. 

Actually handling a live case was more nerve-wracking than I thought it would. “Hey.. Queen. Are you ready?” I mumble as I grin widely, nudging her shoulder as she looks at me with a confused face. “Do you think we have a choice?” She spits back as I hum in agreement, leaning back to my seat as I see the queue on my laptop change. Fuck. I have cases now. 

Totally forgetting everything I’ve learned from training, I start to panic just from reading the first few lines of their issue. “Jesus Christ… why did I not listen…” I mumble against myself as I bite my lower lip nervously, sighing deeply as I shake my head gently. Re-reading the case as I get the things I need to take down to assist the person contacting us. Taking down notes on what to take a screenshot on, to see if they’re eligible for it, checking every little thing before I go and look for someone available to ask if what I did was correct. 

Biting my lower lip as I look over my friend, Queen, who was already stressing over her own cases I decided not to disturb her. Getting up as I look around for an available tenured agent to ask from. Almost giving up as I see the girl from before have everyone else surrounding her, I see a guy wearing a red jacket, a little on the thin side, maybe the same height as I am also very quiet. I also remembered he was with the girl from before, Cathy, yes. 

“Hi? Can I ask you or?” I mumble out as I walk forward, unsure if I should go on and ask him or not since he wasn't even looking at me. Slowly, he turned his head towards me with a neutral look on his face before nodding slowly. “Okay.. so he’s asking about having this official badge.. I’m not quite sure if what I’m doing is right so… can you help me out?” I ask as I try to walk back to my station, hoping he was right behind me as I sit on my chair, showing him the inquiry as he leans down, reading the query quietly, nodding. “Hm.. yeah. You can just take a screenshot of his homepage, as well as his writings to see if he’s authorized to these and then you can send the email to him.” He says quietly as he nods before walking back to his station. Already saying “Yes” to my case on the trix, making it good to go for sending the email. 

“That was easy.. I guess?” I say to myself as I send my very first email of the day. My very first email as an employee. I hum at myself as I take a look back at the matrix. Reviewer’s name: Yukio. So his name’s Yukio, nice to meet you Yukio. 

[lovelyyjh]

crazy in love || 5

↬pairing: yoon jeonghan x reader

↬genre: F L U F F, humor

↬warnings: the SOFTEST, everyone’s a baby, stupid humor, minor swearing

↬word count: 1.3k

↬a/n: double update tonight! hopefully it’ll make up for the short chapters. so this chapter is a flashback and it’s the summer after their kindergarten year. and yes i know, no sane parent would send their six year old child to a sleep away camp but we’re gonna pretend okay. as usual, thank you for reading and let me know what you think!

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

“i don’t wanna go!” you looked up and over at the boy who was struggling with his mom over going into the camp. you frowned and cocked your head to the side. why was he so upset? summer camp is fun! you reached up and tugged on a counselor’s shirt and asked if you could go over there, getting a nod in return. you waddled over to the boy, tapping him on the shoulder gently. he turned around, his lip in a pout and his eyes watery and red.

“hi, my name is y/n!” you smiled, a tooth in the front missing, but not making your grin any duller, “what’s yours?”

“j-jeonghan,” the boy stuttered, looking up at his mom, who gave him an encouraging look, prompting him to talk to you.

“well, jeonghan, today is the first day of summer camp, which is SUPER fun,” you told him, still beaming, “come play with me, i have transformers toys. girls at school say transformers are for boys, but i still have them because they’re fun. i also have cars and a barbie doll too!” jeonghan began to smile, looking up at his mom again, who nodded and smiled. you reached out and took his hand, pulling him over to your bag, “mommy said i have to bring two bags, one she packed and one i packed. i packed the fun one, with all the toys, and mommy packed all my boring clothes.” you jabbered on, handing jeonghan a car and your barbie while you played with your transformer toy. the two of you played for about an hour, jeonghan getting much more comfortable and talkative until he gasped, dropping the car he was holding.

“i forgot! my friends seungcheol and joshia are gonna be here! i don’t know where they are,” he shouted, causing you to shoot up.

“we have to find seungcheol and joshia! if we don’t, they can’t play with my transformer toys with us!” you yelled. the two of you held onto each others’ hands and ran around camp screaming their names. soon, you found two boys talking to each other near the fireplace in the mess hall, one of them with a blue backpack and the other with a dark backpack and skull t-shirt.

“that’s them!” jeonghan pointed to the two boys, running at them and tackling them in a hug, “y/n, these are my friends joshia and seungcheol! joshia and seungcheol, this is my new friend y/n.” you waved energetically and smiled at them so hard, your face started to hurt.

“jeonghan, my name is pronounced joshua, not joshia,” the boy with the blue backpack explained.

“shut up, joshia.”

“hey! my mom said shut up is a bad word.”

“but shut up is two words,” you piped up looking back and forth between the three boys. seungcheol stepped forward and examined you closely.

“she’s a girl. why do you think she’s cool enough to be friends with us? girls aren’t cool.” you gasped and put your hand over your heart dramatically.

“i am cool! look, i’ll show you.” you reached into your backpack and pulled out your favorite object in the entire world. jeonghan went to stand beside you as the other boys’ jaws dropped.

“see, seungcheol, she has transformers toys, so she’s super cool.”

“can i play with it?” joshua asked, smiling sweetly at you. you grinned and nodded, motioning for all of them to sit down as you brought out all your toys.

“she has a barbie! that’s too girly,” seungcheol said, crossing his arms. you frowned and hit him in the shoulder with the doll, causing him to flinch.

“barbie is awesome! she can ride in cars and hang out with transformers. she’s badass. i heard that word on a tv show.” you grinned proudly, holding up your barbie doll. all three boys looked at it in amazement before repeating the new word they learned.

“badass.” you all four laughed together and continued to play for the rest of the afternoon.

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

that night, you were all sitting on a log at the campfire, you next to jeonghan, who was next to seungcheol, who was next to joshua. the three of you ate s’mores and told each other your favorite colors and animals, so now you were total experts on the other ones. at one point, you gasped and your head shot up, making the boys look over at you.

“i have an idea! all of us should be in a cabin together, then we can play transformers all night!” the other three cheered and jumped up with you to go find a counselor and tell them you were rooming together. you finally found one on the other side of the campfire, who’s name tag said ‘taeyeon’. she looked down at you and smiled, asking what you needed.

“all four of us want to be in a cabin together! i’m jeonghan, that’s seungcheol and joshia, and this one is y/n!” jeonghan exclaimed, hopping on the balls of his feet. you nodded, smiling up at her. her face dropped and she gave you an apologetic look.

“listen, i’m sorry guys, the three of you can room together, but y/n, since you’re a girl, the camp has rules that you have to be in a cabin with other girls, but i’ll take you to your cabin and you can meet the two other girls who are already there, is that okay?” you nodded sadly and held onto taeyeon’s hand when she offered it, waving goodbye to the boys and walking away with the counselor.

a few minutes later, you arrived at a cabin with a sign above the door that said ‘wind flower’. taeyeon opened the door and led you inside, where two girls were on one of the beds, one braiding the other’s very long dark brown hair.

“solar, moonbyul! this is y/n, she’s going to be staying here with you two,” taeyeon told the girls, motioning to you.

“hi, y/n, i’m solar.” the girl with the long hair waved and smiled, her dimples on full display.

“i’m moonbyul,” the other girl said, showing off where she was missing a tooth on her front teeth, looking similar to yours.

“hey! we both have missing teeth,” you said, pointing to your mouth and grinning. the two of you giggled and you climbed up on the bed with them, “do you guys like transformers?” solar’s eyes lit up and she nodded enthusiastically.

“i love transformers! but my mommy never gets them for me since she says they’re for boys.”

“of course not! transformers are super cool and they’re for everyone,” you said, pulling your toy out of your bag. solar squealed and exchanged looks with moonbyul.

“can we play with it?” moonbyul asked.

“of course you can, we’re friends now, so we’ve got to share our toys!”

“we’re gonna be the three coolest girls here!”

“yeah! we’re badass!”

“y/n, what did you just say?” you giggled and turned to taeyeon, who you forgot was still there, shrugging and bringing your finger to your lips to make a ‘shh’ motion. taeyeon rolled her eyes and laughed, brushing it off this once.

you still knew you were pretty badass.

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

“y/n!” you were tackled into a hug by a boy wearing a pink shirt, who you recognized to be jeonghan after he pulled away. it was the next morning and you had gone back to the mess hall for breakfast, “i missed you so much last night. and not just because we didn’t get to play transformers. you’re my favorite person now and you can’t leave again, ok?”

“i pinky promise i won’t leave again.”

“no! we need more than pinky promise, we need… we need a elbow promise!” he reached over and hooked his arm with yours, linking your elbows together.

“i elbow promise i’ll never leave you again, yoon jeonghan!”

“i elbow promise too!” he leaned in and wrapped his small arms around you, crushing you in a hug. you wrapped your arms around him as well, squeezing back tightly.

“you’re my bestest friend forever now, hannie.”

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masterlist

[itmeansfreeman]

23 and me

Well! I already have a smile on my face. It’s my last days being this young, very young, twenty-three. The youngest I’ll ever be.

It’s 9-something PM, I think. I’m not even looking at the clock. I just know I’m fresh out of the shower with clean, cold, wet hair down my back. Sitting here in this silky black nightgown that used to be Moriah’s-- that is way too big for me because I don’t have the boobs to fill it out the way she did-- but that still makes me feel sexy every time. Sexy, not in the sense that I’m not seducing someone, but in the sense that I simply feel like a woman, just the way I am. Which is important to me after looking down at my chest a few times this year and contemplating how they’d look with implants.

I stopped by the liquor store before coming home to shower. The first liquor store was closed. I thought maybe it was a sign that I shouldn’t be having a glass of wine while I write tonight. Maybe I should get kombucha instead, being that it sometimes makes me feel tipsy anyways? But no, I looked up a second liquor store that was open, and made an intentional 8-minute drive there to pick up wine. I wanted wine for one main reason: I wanted to keep myself honest as I wrote this. But the second reason was to feel “my age” and “YOLO” to enjoying a glass alone tonight.

I picked up two bottles, Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon, because I couldn’t remember which one I like better. I found that this was the perfect opportunity to find out which wine I preferred by the time I turn age 24, damn it. So I begin YOLO writing with a 5-oz pour of Merlot. Measured meticulously on a food scale and logged into my FitBit food diary. I guess I can’t escape all my weird ways. And maybe I just don’t want to... I don’t need to.

Recently I’ve been wishing for myself that I’d live a life whose own biography I would want to read. That didn’t mean a successful life (whatever that means) or even a happy life, necessarily. I think it really just means a life pressed in. And all that means, according to Jinnie, is focused. Twenty-three has been the best year of my life. I have been focused. I didn’t go through things that I wanted to go through or would have chosen to go through, but when I did go through them, I went through them with focus. I have been pressed indeed and I want to let the blood of it dry and preserve as these words.

During twenty-three, I started my first corporate job and took all four parts of the CPA exams. Passed one. The most beautiful relationship I’ve ever had the honor of being in came to a swift end. I stood up and chose my faith in times where it meant that I’d lose some things I cherish, namely, Brian. I also let myself be human in the face of faith, and deliberately chose sin and indulgence. I became in the best of shape of my life. I finally pulled the trigger on wanting to learn mixed martial arts. I also pulled the trigger on saying enough to that very first corporate job that I started and screw it to the CPAs too. I used pantiliners every day (how did I ever go without?). I let myself experience myself. 

There’s about 1 oz of Merlot left in my glass. I like it.

Now the question is, how to break up this entry?

Brian Kim

I’ve always been attracted to older men. Daddy issues or not, it’s just the way it’s been. I surprised myself for being able to fall in love with somebody my age. I was surprised to have looked up to somebody my age, the way I had with Brian. Though I don’t hold that same sentiment towards him now, I was surprised that I ever did-- and very genuinely I did.

Time to try to the Cab.

I am a hundred times grateful that this relationship ever happened. I am forever thankful to God. I’m thankful I got to find out just what I needed and didn’t need. I think a lot of people say that when coming out of a relationship, but those things are all very private and true. I was really thankful to find out that God had made me a stronger woman than I believed I was. I was astonished to find that that weren’t many tears that I thought were worthy to cry after it all ended. I was astonished to find that I was able to fall asleep, just like a baby, every night. Before our break-up, when I felt it coming, I mostly feared that my post break-up experience would be like that of Joe, my ex in college, who I literally lost my shit over. All. My shit. But this time, wow. I was, and still am, surprised.

I like Merlot better. Carol, on the cusp of 24, realizes that Merlot is the red she prefers. Is it “good” Merlot? I don’t know, and I’m happy that I don’t know the difference.

When we said goodbye to our love at Blaze Pizza, sitting in that back booth, I will never forget the peace and gratitude in my heart. Precisely to God who saw all my tears months prior to the relationship ending. The one to whom I prayed that prayer on a night in October 2017 with my forehead surrendered to a rug-- that I would not be the one to leave this relationship, but if it so is Your will, make him break up with me. And he did. Those words. “A relationship is just not what I need right now.” An immediate warmth in my heart, I looked up at You. And I felt you wink at me, and lovingly hush my heart that would have otherwise skipped a beat. But I remember it. It didn’t even skip a beat. I remember my inner person smiling when Brian said that. I remember nodding my head at him. I remember that this was something worth losing. That I could not, and would not, beg for a human’s love. And that I was finally happy to let him go. This friend that I had gotten to know so intimately for over two years, I was happy to let him go. I wished to see him smile again, the way a friend would want to see a friend laugh and smile. I think that was what really made me want him to break up with me. I knew I wouldn’t do, but I wanted to see him smile.

I drove home that night calling Pastor Julie. “We’re over,” I laughed with a big grin and tear droplets truly as big as marbles rolling off my face. I came home to my mom sitting on the family room couch. I put my bag on the floor, sat close next to her, held her hands and in Korean said “We broke up. I might be sad sometimes, but I am happy. I am happy this happened, but please don’t worry about me when I’m sad.”

I cannot say that today, I look at Brian with the same kind of love in my heart the way I did that night in March when we broke up. I cannot say that I do not resent the way he made me feel utterly foolish a few months later at Monica and Leo’s wedding when, I will not say what, but only that he truly made me feel stepped on. The way friends wouldn’t even make friends feel. However, when I look back at our relationship, I can only feel pure gratitude. When I see videos of us and friends, my heart gets cheerful. And I am thankful that God would protect these memories in such a way that I could still smile about it. To be clear, I would never choose this person again. Not in a million lifetimes. But I am happy to, at one point in my life, have chosen this person.

Dan Ahn

Dan, one of the most influential people to me this year, from near and far. He is one who I think is truly living a happier life in reality than on social media platforms. I think his instagram doesn’t do his life justice, and that’s rare for our generation. With myself and I think the rest of us, Instagram is the inflated, happier version... and our lives simply don’t match up.

Dan connected me to a guy named James who opened a cafe called Fahrenheit 180 in El Paso, TX. After speaking to James on the phone, who had abandoned his opportunities at Wall Street to open a cafe, I decided I needed to pursue my cafe dream and forget about the CPAs. The CPA was a goal, I was beginning to realize, that I was never meant to achieve.

The day before Dan left for his bike-across-America trip, we met at Stuff Yer Face, where he confessed to me that it did make him quite nervous that I’d made such a decision to quit my CPAs and begin working on my business after I had a conversation with the dude he linked me up with. I’ll recall more of how I arrived to this decision later, but I hope Dan knows that he’s not responsible for my actions.

No one will ever be responsible for my actions. And furthermore, this year I learned that all people, no matter their brilliance or track record, are just people with opinions from their experiences. I’ve talked to so many businesspeople this year about cafes, discussing their big wins and shameful failures. They offer convincing advice. But at the end of the day, it’s my choice to give weight to a person’s message. It’s my choice in how much I’m going to believe them.

Jeff from Kudo Society, said to me, “Be decisive. You can make up for your mistakes later. But more costly than mistakes is not being decisive.” So watching Dan and speaking to James, I have decided to be decisive. I will not be an accountant.

Listening to Her

After the breakup, I got to ask this girl, myself, what she wanted to do. She wanted a dog of course. A warm, happy Golden. But more realistically, I wanted to learn Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Something that I had yearned to practice deep inside ever since Julius and I rolled as kids. I never tried it earlier because of the money. Then I had the money, but not the time. But suddenly I was a working woman and single. I had both the money and time. So there I found myself on Google at work, searching MMA gyms around me.

I visited three: Driven Gym, Diesel, and Fight & Fitness, before I ultimately chose Fight & Fitness. What a perfectly hand picked place from God Him-very-self. Not necessarily for the training style, but for the people. Oh dear God, the people. Thank you God.

I think I ended up liking Muay Thai better than BJJ. I’ve been going to Muay Thai classes twice as often as BJJ. I honestly think that it’s because the punching, kneeing, and kicking is so much more releasing than strategically finding ways to strangle someone. But also, the eye candy is a little better in Muay Thai.

To that point, do I want to date? Hell to the no. I hate to say it because it makes me feel weak when I just said above how I was surprised to find how strong I am. But I think I am pretty scarred from my relationship and from learning about men, in general. I’m not sure that I really ever want to get married, and it doesn’t make me feel sad to think or say that. I’m truly at a place of so much freedom to not need the thought of ending up with a partner to make my life feel complete. My workplace has people cheating on their spouses with one another. Men who are now married, and even with children, are flirting with me and asking me on dates. My close male coworker, who is recently married and also a new father, told me that “Men are as faithful as their options-- including myself.”

I ponder what a sacred thing marriage is. My girlfriend said that over a decade later, her mom still thinks longingly over her ex-husband. “I don’t think you can really get over a failed marriage. Especially someone you have children with.” I wonder if it’s better to abstain from marriage if the divorce rate is so high.

Divorce lawyer and author of If You’re In My Office, It’s Already Too Late, James Sexton, says that Americans do more car research than research on marriage. If he were to tell someone that there’s over a 50% chance that they’ll get hit by a car when they walk across the street, most people wouldn't even take the chance. They’d stay inside. And if they did go to cross the street, they’d at least wear a helmet. His point was that divorce rates are higher than 50% and people don’t even inquire of what they should be prepared for in marriage. They just walk into it hoping that they will beat the odds and won’t get hit with divorce someday, like getting hit by a car. It leaves me wondering if it’s better that I don’t get married at all. And I’m okay with that. I’m satisfied enough-- or scared enough-- to be okay with that.

This is not to say I don’t believe in love. For the people who have found true, vibrating, deep, knowing love-- I celebrate that love. It truly ignites my heart on fire and I cheer always for you. I know it exists. I know that it is possible.

After Brian and I broke up, I heard that someone had told another friend of mine, “I don’t believe in love. If Brian and Carol broke up, there’s no hope for any of us.” But I do. I still believe in love. I still believe in lasting, sacred marriage. It is simply for those who, with all their might, will dedicate themselves to it. I personally don’t know if it’s for me, but I see other people that have it written in their DNAs and whose love I believe in.

Anyways, both Muay Thai and BJJ have been a wonderful sport for me. I remember one night, my head was being squeezed in between someone’s legs and my face was nuzzled in their crotch. We froze in this twisted contortion while our instructor critiqued our position. “Only in MMA would it be totally normal for my face to be held against a stranger’s crotch as someone teaches them how to do it better” I thought. MMA is a weird place for weird people, and I love it.

I heard the guys talking in the men’s locker room, “When it comes being a fighter, you need to have somewhat of an ego. But not in jiu jitsu. All of that goes out the door. You never know what’s gonna happen. Some days you just get fucked up and tossed around. And you just gotta let yourself be humbled.” I don’t know why that stuck with me the way it did when I heard it through the thin walls while changing alone in the girl’s locker room. But I just remember knowing that it was true not only on the mats, but in the fight of life. Sometimes, no matter how much you’ve trained, you will still get humbled by a force from left-field. A force you can’t control, anticipate, or mitigate.

Tim Ferriss

I just finished the 5-oz of Cab. It was definitely Merlot that I enjoyed better. 5 more ounces of Merlot, coming up. This is 360 calories so far, FYI.

Well, soon after I had turned twenty-three, I read the 4-Hour Work Week by Tim Ferris. There’s a concept called “batching” that he teaches on. Basically, the idea is that we can save a whole lot of time if we simply batch tasks together instead of doing them continually throughout the day. We batch our laundry and wait for it to build up to the top of the basket, sometimes overflowing, before actually throwing it in the washing machine. We ought to do that with our e-mails. We ought to do that with a lot of things instead of letting them seem like productive tasks to tackle throughout the day, which actually do the opposite and steal productivity from the very things we wish to accomplish.

After reading about it, I put it to the test. I batched my tasks. I got off of social media. And suddenly, what I had was a whole lot of time. A whole sack of available time just looking me in the eye. All the clocks in the world were slow. All these months and even years, I’d been saying that I was going to get working on my coffee shop once I got the time-- but right now, “I was too busy.” Man. The batching did away with all my bullshit. I saw all that time right before me. And to my utter horror, I was choosing to not work on my cafe. I was paralyzed. Must I now face the very thing that I have said was my dream? Where are my excuses? What if I fail?

So I bought books on coffee shops. I listened to podcasts on business. I made phone calls to entrepreneurs to inquire and learn. I bought a 4” binder to collect all my data. A four-inch binder. I’ve never even bought such a binder for all my years of school. Then I stumbled across Babes in Business NJ, a group of female entrepreneurs who champion each other in their business pursuits. So I said to myself that I’m going to their next event. I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and launch myself in. When I went to this event, I learned about myself through the panel of speakers that I was yet again making excuses that I must acquire enough research before beginning to attempt this business. As if the 4” binder must be packed with paper before I’m qualified to try. The human brain is crazy with its excuses.

So I said I’m not going to let my life be ruled by excuses anymore.

1465 Irving St. Rahway, NJ.

It was the first location that I seriously looked at and considered to become the cafe. It was the beautiful and airy vacant spot across the street from the train station with exposed white brick walls. That location convinced me enough that I would stand with my neon green clipboard on the corner of Irving & East Cherry on a Friday morning to host market surveys with pedestrians. A spot so sparkly that I woke up early in the mornings to drive to it and tally all the foot-bike-and-car traffic from 6 AM to 8:50 AM, leaving me just enough time to get to work by 9. To be hanging around the spot long enough to where two different cops asked me what I was doing. I told one of them that I was looking to open a coffee shop at this site, as I pointed behind me. He gave me a thumbs up and said “Good for you, dear!” and drove on.

I got involved in a small downtown city with new strangers the way I never imagined I could. I went to Chamber of Commerce meetings. I had drinks with locals. I sat with city officials in their office to discuss planning and zoning. I got into the cars of strangers. I collected business cards by the handfuls. I researched with joy and madness. I thought this was it. E-mails and phone calls filled my days and nights.

Whenever there was news about potential competition in the area, I remembered what Karl, my accounting friend from college, said to me. “Good. Competition is good. It leaves no room for complacency.” That was right. I feared no competition. I would do it better. I would always improve and serve people the best coffee that was around.

The guy who owns The Coffee Box in Plainfield, Jeff, also was looking at 1465 Irving St. He knew that there was another person looking at the same spot for the same coffee shop purpose-- which was secretly me. He eventually ended up leasing the spot less than 24 hours before I was scheduled to go to the spot with an architect. We were both racing against time and against one another. I remember a couple weeks earlier, going to his coffee shop incognito to see what kind of place he runs anyways. I was disappointed to find out that he does an intimidatingly excellent job. The day that I visited, I was just an ordinary, unrecognizable, customer. But he was so damn friendly to me that I hated it. I had asked him if The Coffee Box was their only location, to which he responded, “We’re looking at a second spot in Rahway.” It was the spot I was looking at. “Aw best of luck,” I smiled. He did indeed catch that luck.

Though I know it wasn’t luck. It was favor. Not favor on him, but favor on me-- that it didn’t work out for me. There was Jesse, the owner of The Irving Inn, a restaurant next to 1465 Irving. He was 1461 Irving. A charming restaurant. Jesse’s a white man in his early 40’s who I became friends with during this research period. He took me to Restaurant Depot and to other coffee shops like The Coffee Mill. He gave me advice. I used to think “Wow, he must really believe in my dream to give me so much of his time to help me.” Then there was a drive home one day from his restaurant when I said out loud behind the steering wheel, “Don’t be so stupid, Carol. He has other intentions.” He ended up confessing his crush on me and asking me if he can take me out. Although that ended there, he confessed another thing: that it was good that the spot didn’t work out for me. “The rent was much too high, especially for someone like you who doesn’t have coffee experience.” Though it hurt, I knew that he was right. It was time for me to learn coffee. So I went home, took a long shower, and went online to apply to coffee shops.

Chris Brown

I have to write about this new friend Christian.

But first, I have to ask. Do you ever wonder how things happen in such a timely manner that you cannot help but believe that someone is handing you the pieces in that particular order? It’s like you were given all the pieces to build an IKEA desk, in its proper sequence, which you would have never known without ever seeing the manual. You cannot say you earned the pieces yourself. You cannot say that you purchased them either. You know that feeling, and you know it can’t just be the universe? It cannot be some vast, unknowable, outerspace energy. Instead, it is all so intentional and loving that you cannot help but believe that it is a God, a person, who loves you, individually. With eyes fixed on you like you are the only person whose life He is concerned about of over the seven billion around you.

So I met Christian at the MMA gym. He joined about two weeks after me back in July. He was immediately friendly to everyone, giving people fist bumps at the beginning of every class. He was already very obviously fit, but new to MMA. I can’t say that I was ever attracted to him, but at the very least, curious. Not romantically curious. Curious about his character. Something about him-- I already knew there was something in me that knew something in him. I just didn’t know what that common something was.

A couple of us at the gym exchanged numbers at the gym last week. When Christian told me his last name was Brown as I saved his number into my phone, I said “Your name sounds like you should be a celebrity or something.” He said, “It’s like one.” I replied, “Oh yeah?” and laughed. “Yeah. Chris Brown.” I really laughed. I laughed a lot. Oh, that’s why he sounds like he should be a celebrity.

At Thursday’s class, Christian and I were stretching on the blue mats. Some anterior hip stretches. I don’t remember how we got to the conversation, but I shared with him how I was hoping to get fired at my job but unfortunately I got promoted instead. So in return, I would be quitting in a month to start working at a coffee shop. His eyes lit up. Yup, there it is. I think I found that common understanding. The thing in me that knew the thing in him. We linked up over coffee and yoga two days later.

So there we were sharing coffee at 9:15 AM on a Sunday. I didn’t know many people who would meet with me on a Sunday morning at 9:15. We were strangers really. The only thing I knew about him was that he was my age, and how his punches to my face feel when we spar in class. Or how his kick feels to my ass. But there we were in early morning window seating at an empty coffee shop, talking about philosophy, love, time, deception, the vanity and sacredness of life, and spirituality. Christian isn’t Christian. But he asked me to share about my Christianity. And I, for the first time in several years, was able to share with a non-believer in complete comfort-- my faith in its full, passionate, flawed, form.

He brought a book for me that he had just finished. Wrapped in a yellow-brown Barnes & Noble plastic bag. It was a tiny book. On The Shortness of Life: Life is Long If You Know How to Use It, by Seneca.

Seneca. Seneca-- the stoic that I listen to Tim Ferris talk about so often. Like Tim Ferris, that batching author.

I held the corner of the book and let the pages quickly flip through my thumb nail. I saw yellow highlights and penciled in comments that Christian had written. That’s exactly what I do with all my books. I wondered if Christian was me in male form. I’m sure many people highlight and write. But I let myself have this moment of knowing the thing in me that knew the thing in him.

“A lot of the things you’re talking about are actually in the book,” he said to me. So I couldn’t wait to get home to read this damn thing. I remember very consciously being happy that I would have something better to read than my Instagram feed.

“And a lot of the ways you are, Tim Ferris is,” I told Christian. He went home and downloaded Tim Ferris’ podcasts.

Seneca

I think Seneca knew I was an accountant. I think God knew. Or Christian knew. Or something. Because today while reading this passage from his book, I had to take several pauses to remember to breathe and wonder if Seneca, God, and Christian were altogether watching me read. It was confirming everything I had concluded in my journey this year.

“Indeed, you are managing the accounts of the world as scrupulously as you would another person’s, as carefully as your own, as conscientiously as the state’s. You are winning affection in a job in which it is hard to avoid ill-will; but believe me it is better to understand the balance-sheet of one’s own life than of the corn trade. You must recall that vigorous mind of yours, supremely capable of dealing with the greatest responsibilities, from a task which is certainly honourable but scarcely suited to the happy life; and you must consider that all your youthful training in the liberal studies was not directed to this end, that many thousands of measures of corn might safely be entrusted to you. You had promised higher and greater things of yourself.

You must retire to these pursuits which are quieter, safer and more important. Do you think it is the same thing whether you are overseeing the transfer of corn into granaries, unspoilt by the dishonesty and carelessness of the shippers, and taking care that it does not get damp and then ruined through heat, and that it tallies in measure and weight?

Indeed the state of all who are preoccupied is wretched, but the most wretched are those who are toiling not even at their own preoccupations, but must regulate their sleep by another’s, and their walk by another’s pace, and obey orders in those freest of things, loving and hating. If such people want to know how short their lives are, let them reflect how small a portion is their own.

So, when you see a man repeatedly wearing the robe of office, or one whose name is often spoken in the Forum, do not envy him: these things are won at the cost of life.”

I was promoted and praised at my job for my hard work. A percentage of raise that I haven’t heard anybody in my level be given before. Yet, I remember coming back to my desk that day of my promotion, not very happy. In fact, pretty sad. I didn’t tell anybody for a while, not even my family. I felt that I was working so hard at fulfilling a firm’s dreams, not mine. I felt like this promotion meant more responsibility and commitment to a thing which I do not want to do.

When Seneca talks about observing the transfer of corn, I get flashbacks of all the inventory observations I had to perform throughout the year as an auditor; taking note of all the damaged goods in various warehouses and making sure company balance sheets were accurate. But now, I’m auditing my own life. I’m taking inventory of my bookshelf, of all the books I bought and haven’t read because social media damned my soul.

I am given the permission to understand the balance sheet of my own life, instead of the balance sheets of a multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company filing for IPO. I was tempted many times this year to believe that I couldn’t amount to anything. That I will always be this accounting firm’s bottom bitch. But I am prompted now to remember again that I have been given the ability to execute the things-- any things-- that I affix my determination to. I’ve witnessed it myself. And I know again that it is in me. It has always been in me.

So I am thankful because I know I was meant to read this book, this passage, at the end of this year, today, at this time.

OJ Simpson 

You always end up on that weird place on YouTube. This year, I listened to a psychologist on YouTube talk about the characteristics of narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths. That same day, I also randomly watched an interview with Kris Jenner where she unashamedly admitted that her regret in life was divorcing Rob Kardashian. I was fascinated by that. That she could firstly be so open about regretting a divorce with somebody. How refreshing it was to watch somebody have no problem saying that they regret something. The ownership of Kris’ regret is so admirable. It reminded me of how I regret not having been a better friend to Richard before he committed suicide this year and how I never want to not regret it. I was secondly fascinated that Kris’ regret was not over marrying Bruce, a man who would later become trans, but rather that it was for simply losing her marriage with Rob.

I wanted to learn about Rob. What about this man could leave a woman with such riches and success in regret? All I knew about Rob was that he was OJ Simpson’s attorney during his murder trial.

Then from there, I got curious about OJ’s trial. I ended up binge-researching the murder and binge-watching The People vs. OJ Simpson. I saw something in me that I knew in OJ Simpson. Just like I knew there was something in me that I knew in Christian. It was alluring and addictive. My heart sank when I recognized it. It was OJ’s narcissism. I had just learned of all the characteristics of narcissism from that psychologist on YouTube. I sneered at OJ on the television and pointed out how he was such a narcissist in this way and that, but then I realized it was me. It was me. It was me on Instagram, it was me on Facebook, it was me in real life. It was a part of me too.

I can’t imagine myself being able to “balance” social media. I don’t think social media is a battle that humans are fit to defeat. It wasn’t designed for humans to be able to tame it and use it in moderation. It was designed by people who design slot machines for casinos. How am I supposed to win something that was designed to get me addicted? I think that so long as I am on it, I will always be playing with the fire and being burned by it. I think it will forever fuel my narcissism. I hate when I’m posting. I hate that I’m so involved in other people’s daily lives who I would otherwise have no business with. And it is nobody’s business to know what I am eating at any given time, yet because of my narcissism, I think people should know what Carol Sohn is eating, singing, doing, every day.

I have a laundry list of books that I bought but I don’t read because I am pulling this slot machine from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed.

I am really not that important. And in another sense, I am so important that I should be feeding myself with books and knowledge instead of feeding on pictures of other people’s lives. I wish for my 24th birthday to gift myself with the severance of social media. I hope I can do it. I have less than 24 hours to say yes to denying myself.

I am learning that to go after the things I really want will mean saying no to things I also do actually want. I really want to respect myself, so I have to say no to hooking up with that hot 38-year old guy that I also want. I really want to open my own coffee shop, so I have to say no to the accounting salary that I also want. The person I am becoming is asking me to sacrifice some things for her. I want to honor this woman.

Moments of Declaration

I remember deciding to quit the pursuit of my CPAs. My mom said that it felt like such a waste of time and money that I had exhausted up until that point if I was just going to give up. I remember thinking that I was just so glad that I’m saving so much time and money by deciding to quit now instead of dedicating more of my life to it. The day of my exam, I didn’t even go. I went to HomeGoods instead. I was in the lamp section as I thought to myself, “Wow, I really don’t give a care about the CPAs. I’m really out here right now looking at lamps and letting a $200 exam fee flutter away. I am really happy.” It was a declaration to myself. A $200 memorial.

Tomorrow is my birthday. For the past several birthdays since I was 19, I had best friends or a significant other planning an extravagant party. This is the first birthday in a while that I don’t really have anything. I’m camping out in my own home in solitude these last few days leading up to my birthday. My own birthday slumber party if you will. The only thing I have planned is to go to orientation at the coffee shop I will soon be working at full-time. At first when I was told that orientation would be on my birthday, I thought, “Do I really want to be at orientation on my birthday? Should I ask them to reschedule it for a different date?” And then I realized, “I would love to do just that on my birthday. There’s no better way I want to spend it.” So tomorrow, from 5-7 PM, I will be at a work orientation to become a barista. It is a declaration to myself that this year, I am doing what I dreamed. No excuses.

Notes to Self for 24

I do not have to be anybody but myself. This past year, I confused myself because I didn’t know if I was feminine, masculine, uptight, relaxed, religious, rebellious, milennial, or old. I am realizing that I am all of this. Some people bring certain sides out of me that other people don’t. I thought I was a phony but I’m not. I’m simply all of this at different times. And it is better to live my own life authentically and imperfectly than to perfectly imitate another’s. There has never been and never will be anybody made exactly like me and it would be a shame to force this life to conform to some other person’s life for the sake of familiarity. I cannot be replicated, and nor can anybody else.

When I finally quit this month and go from that hunky salary to making $8.65 an hour, I will remember what Sue said. “You’re going back to school. People go back to school to learn what they really want and they take out student loans to do it. You’re going back to school, and you’re actually getting paid $8.65 an hour.” Going to work is like going to school. My homework is working on the business and learning to love God, myself, and people.

Jinnie Rhee said this twice to me this year. I think she said it a second time because she forgot that she already said it once before. I’m pretty forgetful, but I know she said this twice because it alarmed me the first time, let alone the second. She said, “I don’t think you realize this, but you’re really really hard on yourself. The way nobody else is.” This was true when I thought about it. This year, I don’t want to be so hard on myself. The inevitable fluctuations in weight, money, faith, and all. Don’t be so hard.

Lastly, as Pastor Julie looked me in the eye and said, “Carol, you don’t need to explain yourself-- not to me, not to anyone.”

This post took me two days and two bottles of wine to write. This year was made so successful, in my eyes, because of a common thread-- people. I am thankful to everyone for sharing their time, a thing no one can ever get back, with me. I thank you, I celebrate you, and I celebrate me.

[loggedonlove]

long ask post

so i just rbed this post with questions to ask about ones s/o or crush. i rly wanna answer them all but no one on my main cares and even if they did i wouldn’t wanna spam them. but the good thing abt this blog is only like 3 ppl follow me so i can shout my adoration as much as i want and it does not matter :D so i’m just gonna answer all the questions under the cut and if anyone sees this and wants to read it, though i doubt they will, they can! (i already answered two on my main so those’ll just be copy and pasted)

1. describe them in 3 words

cute, funny, sweet

2. their favorite style of clothing?

he looks like a walking hollister ad lmao like i see his style and i just think hollister/abercrombie/zumies. lots of striped tops, dark jeans, not hoodies but like long sleeved shirts with hoods that he doesn’t ever use, converse, and many dad hats that he wears backwards

3. what mannerisms do they have?

i can’t really think of any besides the fact that he shakes a lot. he’s really skinny and he shakes when he’s either cold or nervous, or just in general

4. do they play an instrument?

he doesn’t yet but he really wants a piano keyboard for christmas that’s like the only thing he wants so that he can learn how to play

5. how did you meet/become introduced to them?

(copied from my main)  this is not a long story that may become long due to my unneeded context: we have 2 classes together this fall semester, but he sits behind me in both (directly behind me in one, a few rows back in the other) so i essentially had 0 idea he existed since i just go to class to learn & ignore the people around me unless i’m spoken to. genuinely the first time i ever noticed him was a month into classes, i accidentally grabbed the wrong paper & he was like “hey celeste, this one’s yours” & i was like “oh thank you” then went abt my business. but later that same class we had been in the computer lab & as we were packing up to leave he made a comment abt how my computer’s time was different than everyone else’s so i said some dumb shit like “haha yeah i broke it” then just immediately walked away because i had a class to get to (ironically the other class i shared with him). as i learned later he had been trying to start a conversation so as i was walking to my next class he caught up with me & just continued talking. all i remember was being like “wow this dude’s persistent.” i definitely came off as rude though bc the entire time he was talking to me i kept looking at my phone bc i was logging into our textbook. it was then i found out he was in that class too, & then it took me like another week to figure out his name because i didn’t remember it from the introductions during the first week. but it all worked out because we’re dating now 🤷🏻‍♀️

6. favorite thing they’ve ever said/texted/messaged?

honestly he says the sweetest things to me all the time it’s so hard to choose. i remember before we dated though he said i looked lovely and i was just like *heart eyes*

7. what do you like doing with them?

anything, legit anything. he could call me and be like “hey wanna come watch paint dry with me” and i would be like “hell yes.” i just enjoy spending time with him. but i also really like cuddling him, i could for hours on end he’s very comfortable

8. their favorite color?

i’m not sure, i know he’s said he likes orange, yellow, and black (maybe blue too?) and apparently he’s been told he looks extra good in pink because in his words, he looks good in every color. but yeah i’m not sure of his absolute favorite

9. do they keep up to date on pop culture?

i think it just depends on if it’s something he likes. i think he keeps up to date on a lot of music because he likes a lot of popular artists i don’t pay attention to, and he likes football or at least cares about keeping up with his favorite team

10. sweetest thing they’ve done for you?

this is gonna be another unnecessarily long story. this was before we started dating, it was a thursday so that meant we had our two classes, english then stats right after that, and when stats ends he has to go to his sociology class and i get picked up by my mom. we would typically talk during the time in between english and stats, and he was telling me that he was super sick and he was going to be skipping his sociology class and that he was only going to stats because of our test. we’re in college so teachers typically just do tests at the end of the class and if you finish before class is done you get to go early. so i took my time doing my test and finished with like 30 minutes to spare and when i went to go to the door i saw he was gone and i was like oh that makes sense, he’s ill and said he wanted to go home to sleep. so i walk out to the lobby to wait for my mom (a long wait since i got out early and had no way of letting her know that, plus she’s just always late) and i see him in one of the spots i usually sit in. i was surprised but assumed he had a reason to still be there so i just started talking to him about the test but after that i was like “soooo why are you still here, did you decide you were gonna go to your next class?” and he’s like “oh no i just wanted to wait with you.” like he was just feeling terrible and could’ve went home whenever he wanted (he said he would’ve driven me home but didn’t feel like he should with how ill he was) yet he decided to wait with me for like 30 minutes for my mom even though i said he didn’t have to it was so nice :(

11/12. have you dreamed about them/have they dreamed about you?

i’ve dreamed about him a few times but the thing w mine is that i dream about things/people i think about or see a lot, so the fact that he’s on my mind and i see him nearly every day plays a role. none of my dreams make sense so it’s never anything sweet, he’s just there. he has said he’s had at least one dream about me though, and his dreams are the opposite like he said he just always has romantic dreams that make sense and i was in one :3c

13. can they dance?

every time i hang out with him he dances. like every car ride he puts on music and dances to it while driving, he’ll dance in the middle of any public place, or even when we’re just eating/laying down. it’s usually either him just moving around or fortnite dances specifically to annoy me, but it’s cute

14. what does hugging them feel like?

sosososo nice and warm and safe

15. your favorite thing about them?

i like his personality a lot, he’s really funny and nice, i don’t think it’s possible for me not to smile when he’s talking or being himself

16. their favorite thing about you?

i don’t know, he would probably say my personality too

17. best memory of you together?

another i don’t know, i’ve only been talking to him for two months so that’s not a lot of time to have a favorite memory since there’s so few. probably just the first time we kissed, i think that’s what he would say

18. what are they like when they’re tired?

not much different honestly, but he says he’s always tired so that’s probably why. when he’s tired he just says he’s tired and acts no different. according to him i’m nicer when i’m tired

19/20. could you imagine growing old together with them? could they?

god i don’t know, i’m incapable of thinking that far ahead. we’re both people who, when we date, aim for long-term so i don’t want to be like “we’ll probably only date for a year” because if i think like that it’s destined to fail but i also don’t want to be like “we’re gonna be together forever” because we’ve only known each other for two months. i prefer to just take it as it comes and not try to look forward to anything specific. we’re together for however long we’re together, i have no way of knowing that duration. it could be until next month, it could be until my death, we’ll see. i imagine he’d say the same thing

21. what would an ideal date with them be?

like i said, he could ask me to watch paint dry with him and i’d do it. any time with him is an ideal date. i like going out and doing things but i would probably lean more towards “let’s cuddle and nap for like 5 hours”

22. are they competitive?

yes, especially when someone is a sore loser. like he beat me in bowling twice yesterday and even though i was cool with it he was like “i’m still gonna brag.” but i’m competitive too so it’s a good match

23. what do you do together?

anything. mostly just talk, cuddle, watch stuff, play video games, do homework together, and if there’s something to go out and do then we’ll do it

24. which smells remind you of them?

(copied from my main)  his favorite smell is this yankee candle called festival of lights and he always has it burning when i come over so definitely that

25. do they remind you of any music?

just the music he likes, i don’t associate any of my music with him. he plays his music a lot so whenever i think of artists like lil peep or scotty sire i just think of him, plus the dozens of other people he’s made me listen to (not that i mind)

26/27. could you tell them your biggest secret? could they tell you theirs?

i probably will soon, obv not gonna say what to the entire internet but it’s an important thing. he’s told me his most embarrassing thing about himself which i didn’t think was too bad, i don’t know if he counts that as his biggest secret or not

28. how do you greet each other?

depends on where. whenever he picks me up i say hi/hey, if i walk into class i just smile at him because it feels weird to start having a conversation in a dead quiet class where no one knows we’re dating. i never kiss or hug him as a greeting but i do as a goodbye, not sure why

29/30. what makes you blush that they do? what makes them blush that you do?

he’s only made me blush once but i can’t remember what he said that made me do it, i only blush when i’m embarrassed. i don’t think i’ve ever made him blush, not that i know of

31/32. would you say you love them? would they say they love you?

way too soon for that BUT the other day he accidentally said it when saying goodbye as a force of habit because he always says “bye love you” to his friends/family. i didn’t notice because he said it super quickly before he realized but then he told me about it a few days later. i could picture myself loving him one day though. right now i’d say i adore him

thank you to anyone who read this and got this far if you did. this was really fun i just love talking about himmmm even if no one sees it, it’s just nice to gush uwu

[oh-barcelona-blog1]

Captain’s Log: My 2nd Barcelona Birthday. A Barcelona appreciation post.

Today (as of writing), marks my 2nd year in Barcelona.

2 years ago, I packed my entire life (ok, just a bunch of clothes really) into 2 giant bags , boarded a 17hour KLM flight, and went off on a grand adventure.

And while I seem to be complaining about a lot of things Barcelona related lately -

the extra taxes I had to pay for just quite recently

the metro strike that happens on a weekly basis now,

but at least not on the same days as the taxi strike

the lack of access to some things I've pretty much taken for granted all my life: Apple Cider Vinegar, Malunggay, Corned Beef, Jollibee, 24/7 convenience stores

the lack of soul who can understand what I mean when I say "charot"

The list of things to love about Barcelona is far longer. So here's my top 10:

1. I can actually commute. Sure there's a metro strike nearly every Monday on the worst possible hours ever, but on most days - going from point A to point B is, at most, a 30m subway ride, with the nearest metro stop just a 3 minute walk from my place. And if the metro is not working, the buses are also as safe and reliable. Meaning, they're not trying to break your neck trying to drive 100mph all the time so they can reach their quota number of trips.

Just hang on to your bags, because while the transportation itself is great, the other passengers are not. I've been pick-pocketed once on a 6am drunken ride home from Villa Olimpica to Joanic. Never again (drunk on a train, I mean).

2. I can find and get a doctor's appointment online! Victory for the introvert in me. Back home, all of my doctor's appointments are c/o my mother. Not that I'm completely useless - it's just that my parents' doctors eventually became my doctors too.

I remember 3 years ago when I was trying to hide a kidney stone problem from my mom, I went to the hospital by myself, armed with just my medical insurance. I had to queue up because I didn't know any kidney doctor accredited by my insurance that I can call directly for an appointment. I waited for 2 hours just to get a name. I had to wait another 3 hours after to see the doctor.

Fast forward to a few weeks back and I was suffering from an ear problem! I needed an English-speaking doctor, of course. Expat colleague told me about the hospital 5-minutes away from the office and that I'll definitely find what I'm looking for there. So I googled the hospital. Et voila! Found out that I just can book things online by just saying what kind of doctor I needed to see and they'll pull up the available dates. Picked a date, and then I just showed up on the day with my insurance cards and I just had to wait 10m to be called.

3. The beach is just 7 metro stops away from my house. Ok so I'm not really the biggest beach person (more about that in another post). The number of times I've been to the beach in the last 2 years is already 10x more than the number of times I've been to the beach in the last 10 years when I still lived back home. I think the proximity plays a huge role.

Going to the beach with a blanket and a book is my favourite cliché though, and I love that Barcelona has given me the opportunity to actually live it - minus the bikini and the abs that seem to be the requirement.

4.  Doing 10k steps a day is easy. Sidewalks exist. I don't have to worry about being side-swept by a car, a bus, or a motorbike if I want to walk home from work (which I actually do!). I can still get sideswept by asshole bikers but that's a lot less painful than a 1,500 kilogram box of steel, let me tell you.

I remember my first month in Barcelona, I walked to everywhere! Not because I wanted to walk but because walking seemed like a better alternative than facing my fear of getting eaten by the metro system and having to ask somebody for help.

And since I don't dare step inside a gym (except for Spinning classes every once in awhile), walking is a good alternative to running on a treadmill.

5. Museums, museums, museums! Really. Free museum Sundays are the best. MACBA, CCBA, MNAC, Picasso museum, and many more. And all I need is the will-power to drag myself out of bed and go there. They're all walkable or maybe 20m away via metro. There's always an event every 2 weeks. And to be honest, there's always a new museum that I haven't checked out every 2 weeks as well.

If ever I am bored in this city, it's my own fault.

6. The plazas. Bar food ain't great. But eating bar food with a side of beer, in a terrace in the middle of Gracia is more than great. People watching or gossiping, while you're chugging down beer, under the stars, is one of the best ways to kill time on a Friday evening after a long week at the salt mines -- and not be in the middle of the mall (ehem Greenbelt), or practically on the street in danger of getting run over by cars, taxis, and jeeps (ehem Makati). While they charge a bit more for the terrace tables, bar chow and beer still tend to be on the cheap side.

And if you're lucky, sometimes in Plaza del Sol, some (apparently) well known band will show up, set up with their acoustic guitars and cajons, and just start playing for shits and giggles.

7. Travel is easy (and cheap). Last week I took a friend to Girona (where they shot scenes from GOT), just for a 30€, 30m train ride. There's a fast train to Madrid, Valencia, Zaragoza, and to other cities in Spain. Lisbon is a 2h flight away, and so is Florence and Berlin. And round trip flights can cost you as low as 40€. If my wallet is a bottomless pit of Euros, I would be traveling every 2 weeks. Except that it's not and I only have 26 days of holidays to use.

8. Fiesta de Gracia. Every year, in August, my neighborhood goes insane decorating the streets according to a particular theme, trying to outdo each other in making the best papier maché art. There's a street party in every corner. And beer is as low as a euro. There are fireworks (firecrackers, really). There are giants. And there are concerts in the plazas. And for a few days, the locals and the tourists get drunk side by side and get along.

It's a magnificent site really. Although it can be a pain in the ass if you live here (luckily for me, while I live in the neighborhood, I sit right on the border so the party never reaches me) because the noise won't let you sleep, and the smell of pee will haunt you forever.

9. I get to live my dream of becoming a tour guide. I take pleasure in giving my friends both the touristy tour, and the "insider" tour when they're here. Of course, the Gaudi things are a must. But where to eat and drink is where I shine.

I like taking my friends to drink at the plazas, and steering them away from the overpriced scam of the restaurants in Gothic. I like showing them the streets that held the scenes of The Shadow of the Wind (at least to the ones who read it), and then stuff their faces with patatas bravas and mussels at tiny restaurants tucked in the smaller, more residential streets, of Gracia.

And when they flood their Instagram feed with pictures of their trip, captioned with "food-gasm" or "#besttripever", the sore feet and the extra pounds gained after were all worth it.

10. The opportunity to get to know myself better. What's a KAX blog post if there's no cheesy, moral of the story to it? While the last 2 years have shown me my boundaries, it has also shown me that I can be resourceful and persistent enough to not let them stop me from pushing forward. It has shown me that I can be independent and that I can take care of myself (struggling a bit here, but I'm learning). It has shown me that while my anxieties seem paralyzing sometimes, I also can drag myself out of bed kicking and screaming because I've never really acquired the taste for defeat.

It may sound terrible -- but while I do miss my friends, and my family, and the many comforts of home: I'm so glad to be here in Barcelona and be given the chance to slowly (really slowly) be the person I would like myself to be.

Bonus:

Getting called guapa, all the time! And not in a sleazy "Hola, guapa, give me a smile" kind of way either. The cleaning ladies in our office always says "hasta mañana, guapa!" when I say goodbye. Or the store owners after I've paid for my purchases tell me "Gracias, guapa!". Even the old lady in my building whenever I run into her in the lift always says "Buenos dias, guapa!"

Never mind that they probably say that to everybody, so I'm not special. I still take it as a validation and I say goodbye with a smile on my face, and a renewed confidence that puts an extra spring in my step. Priceless.

So yep, 2 years! Wow.Last year I wrote about how life has been so far, one year in. No major changes have occurred since then. Just tiny ones. Like:

My Spanish is still ridiculous but functional. I've moved up a half a size when it comes to my pants. I still haven't learned to walk in heels - and to be frank, I've given up. I've gotten way better in cooking. And all my clothes are still intact despite having to do my laundry and ironing by myself. Friends, I have. And they are a fantastic group of people. My lights still need changing, and so does my shower head. My savings is a joke. But I think this is the version of Kax I like the best :)

[lolbtsaus]

Long Distance with Taehyung

Before I start this, I wanna say a huge huge huge thank you for 4,300 followers, that feels so weird to type I literally had to pause and check the follower count bc I was like wait do I actually have 4k I thought it was 2 for a second bc I was like there’s not way it’s 4 so thank you all so so much, it means so much to me!!! And now it is time for the second member of the maknae line, the second half of the Daegu line, the other half of Vmon, the love of my life who looked so fucking good in the recent airport photos like the necklace !!!!! also that lil sun “tattoo” (idk if it’s real, a lot of people were saying it’s henna either one is fine with me) looked so nice, Kim Taehyung aka V aka tae tae 

So this series is gonna be about a long distance relationship (ldr for short) with the boys

This is gonna involve single father!Tae (for all of the father related posts, click here) which is basically about Tae having a kid (a son) prior to your relationship with him, his post involved idol couple!Tae (here)

We all know how much Tae loves his family and how much he'd love his own bby son, he is such father material as is so the moment he holds that bby in his arms, he’s gonna be wrapped around his lil itty bitty finger (plz just imagine Tae’s hands compared to a newborn’s for a second and cry with me)

Leaving his bby boy behind is not gonna happen for the first year or two bc for the first year of his life, he’s a single father and obviously, if he’s doing press the other boys are most likely doing it as well so his parents have to watch bby bub and he just doesn’t like leaving him

Tae’s a very hands on parent, he likes being there for the lil moments like bby boy’s babbling or bby boy discovering he has toes or fingers or that the baby in the mirror is h i m, Tae never ever wants to miss those moments so he takes time off from touring and come backs but still does a bit of press here and there and a shit ton of Vlives and logs and things like that

Everyone’s super understanding that his bby is his top priority bc lil goober can barely walk, let alone have his father leave for tour

But once he meets you and you two are living together and goober is older, he decides to go on tour again while you and his parents watch bby boy, it’s a shorter tour bc he doesn’t wanna spend months and months away from his lil man

It’s his first time leaving bby boy for longer than just a couple hours so saying goodbye is s o fucking hard, lil goober doesn’t fully get it bc he’s never experienced it but all he knows is that both you and Tae are sad

You all say goodbye in private bc even though your relationship is public, something like a goodbye is personal, especially this goodbye

Tae gives the both of you long hugs (I could literally ramble on forever about how amazing Tae’s hugs would be) and he keeps kissing bub’s head and your forehead and he doesn’t let go until the very moment he has to leave so it’s just one long hug with lots of kisses before he has to say goodbye 

He prefers Skype/Facetime over calling

He only ever calls when he’s not gonna have much time to talk like pre-show/interview or when he has really shitty wifi connection

But he Skypes you and bby boy every single day, normally twice a day, in the morning and night (on your schedule bc asking a bby to stay up late so it can be morning or night for Tae is not the best idea) 

Bby boy always eats breakfast with Tae and you and Tae always has to eat something with you so even if it’s just something small like a chocolate bar, he’ll do it just so it can be a family meal

He gets so so so happy seeing his lil mini me munching away at some cereal or an apple or anything really bc his cheeks get so full and they’re so kissable and Tae keeps making you lean over and kiss his cheeks for him

Sings to him e v e r y night, he hasn’t missed a night yet and he doesn’t plan to, he doesn’t care if he has to wake up just to sing to him, he’ll do it bc there are only two things that will get bby boy to fall asleep

One is Tae playing with his hair and giving him gentle lil kisses all over his face and the second is hearing Tae’s voice, whether it’s talking or singing

He sings lullabies, children’s songs, BTS songs, anything bby boy wants him to bc Tae spoils his lil man so so much bc he just loves him with all of his heart and he wants nothing more than to make him happy and give him everything he needs and would do anything to see that mini square smile light up his bby’s face

Tae is the king of selfies and videos, he’s always posting lil clips of himself looking all cute like I just wanna take a moment here to appreciate Tae’s genes bc just when I think I’m used to how handsome he is, he comes back and is just like nope, he’s so breathtakingly beautiful and I love him so much my bias is showing bye

He sends tons and tons of pictures every day, he keeps both of you updated about everything from what the other boys are doing to his outfits and he expects the same from you and bby boy

You send him this clip of bby boy saying “I love you daddy” and Tae literally almost cries bc he misses him so much and wants to pick him up and give him a huge hug

Ight but imagine this, Tae doing a V live in his hotel room and you and bby boy watch it and bby boy keeps giggling and he’s so focused on Tae bc tae’s a goofball and is way better than any kids show who needs Pingu when you have Tae lip syncing Celine Dion 

He keeps mentioning bby boy and he shows some clips you sent him of lil goober dancing around to Fire or Cypher Tae has this really proud look on his face bc that’s his munchkin

He buys the both of you something from every stop, sometimes it’s something small like a teddy bear or a shirt but also Tae has been known to get some more pricey presents (my new favorite nickname for him is Gucci boy he’s so pure) so there is some bigger gifts as well

He gets bby boy and you some brand clothing and he gets you an engagement ring that you don’t get to see just yet bc Tae’s obviously saving that for when he proposes and he gets the three of you matching watches

Also I have this head canon that once Tae has all of his bbys (he has four in total, bby boy, twin girls and then another boy) he gets the whole family personalized jersey style shirts so it has “Kim” and then a number between 1 and 6 (Tae is 1, you’re 2, bby boy is 3, girls are 4 and 5 and then maknae bby boy is 6) so that all of you can have matching shirts

When he gets off the plane, he’s literally running past people and running straight towards his lil man who’s already waiting for him and squealing once he sees him and all you hear is this really loud “daddy!!!” followed by their giggles and bby boy’s squeals/screams once Tae gets to hug him

He’s clinging onto Tae and he mumbles how he’s never letting go again and Tae’s not complaining at all and he brings you into the hug and everyone’s just holding onto each other really tightly

“Lil man, I gotta shower, you have to let go for a bit, I’ll be quick I promise”

“No”

“Plz, I smell like an airplane”

“No”

“I’ll let you watch Pingu on my phone and I’ll let you have two extra cookies tonight if you give me five minutes to shower”

“...fine” 

[supermysanju-blog]

Here I am on my way back home and the last thing I feel is homesick. What just happened? Disoriented, overwhelmed, nostalgic, I can barely contain myself as a multitude of feelings launch at me all at once. I pulled the plug on routine and found myself in the middle of virgin Himalayas.

A week back my relentless search for beauty brought me to a piece of nature etched by the gods themselves. The Rupin Pass, tucked away in a far corner of the great Himalayas, a trail along the humble Rupin River through hanging hamlets, gushing waterfalls, endless forests, crisp green meadows, pebbled rivulets, magical valleys, snow bridges and I feel tempted to give the plot away already.

Day 1: Dehradun to Dhaula

We began our journey up the winding roads of Mussourie. The ever-changing scenes that rushed by us charged us up for the week that awaited. We gazed down Yamuna and the trippy patterns of tall forest pines. We were slowly beginning to lose our connectivity to the world, one bar at a time. By the time we got to Dhaula, the rain gods emptied their stash of monsoon showers upon us. Curious us, we explored the modest campsite that lay by the river Rupin despite the spell of rain. A group of 18 strangers sat huddled in a tent that was soon labeled the hangout area. The group was a great mix of people across ages and different walks of life. I’d been assigned a tent that I’d share with Archana, a fellow first-time trekker. Meanwhile, the nip in the air was as real as it could get. Made me realize how spoilt I was by the convenient weather in Bombay. Minutes after the introduction and a quick debate on the trek, I found myself panicking about being hit by AMS or having the required levels of stamina to scale a height of 15350 ft, Rupin Pass being one of the country’s most difficult treks. I’d underestimated the whole affair. I crept inside my assigned tent at 8:30 and then inside a cozy sleeping bag and slept a sound sleep, something that evaded me for months.

Day 2: Sewa

Woke up at 5am after what seemed like a decade and rushed to get my backpack ready! Yummy pancakes laced with honey awaited our appetite, who’d have guessed such a delish treat at a remote campsite!

I was asked to line up with our pilot (Treppan a.k.a. 53) for the trek up ahead and off we began our week-long hike. We were immediately flanked by terraced mountain meadows on our right and rugged hills to our left and the foamy waters of rupin kept us company all along.

And then we were met by the first steep climb of the day. I remember thinking, I push myself at the gym, run every other day till I smell sweat. But none of that compared to climbing a small piece of the great Himalayas. I got to the top and collapsed on the nearest rock. Noticed that the guys in the group already got there before me. Before I could catch my breath, we were rushing off to climb another patch of heights. My muscles shivered, my mind drained, body screaming as I got to the top. Two minutes later I stood up to find myself staring at another majestic scene. Yep, it was worth it. We gorged on the juiciest peach before rushing off again. We weren’t even half way through.

This time around I lost the rest of the trekkers. It was just me, the mountains, the sound of the river echoing miles below me. I walked for an hour before catching up with them again. My back stung from the heavy weight of my backpack, despite having packed light. A quick lunch break and we were off to the little village of Sewa. Oh, did I mention the sea of red greens en route to Sewa? Beaut! Still trying to figure what they’re called.

I spotted a tap amidst all the afternoon heat at Sewa and went running to Rhik, our trek lead. Asked him if I could indulge in a hair bath. I couldn’t. No hairwash. No bath for the next week. Cold Water = Pneumonia. 😦 We spent the rest of the day playing Mafia in clever disguise of getting to know each other. Two servings of bhajiyas, a fun donkey ride and a dinner later, we gave in to sweet well-earned slumber.

This had mentally been the toughest day, perhaps because we didn’t know what to expect.

Day 3: Jiskun

Up again at 5am, maybe I could get used to early mornings after all? We began our trail through neck high farms of mountain weed and greeted the river Rupin at its pebbled bed. Somewhere along the way, a very hyper four-legged babe latched on to us. I christened him Rupin a little later in the day, it seemed like he meant serious business with all the tailing us. After a quick hello to the lush banks of Rupin, we set sail again and crossed the bridge that separated Himachal Pradesh from Uttarakhand. This time I was racing ahead of the pack. Maybe to prove a point, girl power! The climb got tougher. I had to keep stopping to catch my breath. My friend, P1, kept reminding me to stay hydrated and sip on water. We emptied a packet of glucose into both our water bottles, bought a few candies for the journey at the first shop we’d spotted since Day 1. After the first patch of relentless climbing, the trail straightened up a tad bit to bring some temporary relief to our aching knees and thighs. I picked some speed again as we whizzed past the loveliest greens. Up ahead a recent landslide played spoilt sport owing to which we were left with no option but to climb a steep patch of fallen rocks and a slippery mud hill. Our trek pilot a.k.a. 53 pulled me up in a fashion I was left feeling like a sack of feathers (I am not).

Post the little adventure; we parked our tired asses at our second home stay of the journey. A beautiful wooden abode perched atop the edge of Jiskun, a little hamlet. We gazed up at the naked mountains, made peace with the fact that we won’t be greeted by snow at the Rupin pass. We didn’t let this dampen our spirits though. Compensation came our way in the form of Maggi  Mahaan noodles, a yummy local delicacy at Jiskun along with some hot spicy momos with a side serving of good ol’ mountain conversations. 🙂

That night we slept like babies while it rained down on Jiskun. A surprise awaited us on the other side of ‘morrow.

Day 4: Saruwas Thatch

And it snowed! Pristine white snow laced the mountain caps at a distance as we stepped down for some brekky next day. Rain at our current altitude translated to snow at our ultimate destination. Yay! Energy pumping through our veins, we begun our next trail however we had to bid adieu to Subhash & Archana from the group. I’d grown fond of their company but their departure meant I was the only girl left in the group. A bout of self doubt crept back into my mind.

Two hours into our trek and we arrived at the hanging village of Jhaka, where houses literally hung off the mountain edges. We hung out at one of these quirky houses before resuming our journey. A daunting climb at every juncture, this was slowly proving to be one of the most difficult trails on our trek. While the ever changing scenes took my breath away, the thinning air with every little climb was quite literally taking my breath away too. Stay away from me, AMS, I barked in the quiet of my mind and went back to drooling at the greener landscapes around me!

After lunching by the Rupin river, we found ourselves creeping along the walls of the mountains that flanked us, high above the river. The trail was only wide enough for a single foot. Tricky that. We spotted the first snow bridge, jumped over logs of wood, climbed further up the hills, collapsed on random stones, got up again to run and climb and walk!

Late afternoon we camped by the forest at Saruwas Thatch. We battled the shivering cold to collect wood for a bonfire however our plans went down the drain much thanks to the rains! We had to initiate an unplanned hike to cross over higher up the river and across a daunting snow bridge in the evening. Our campsite for the day had to moved to a different location owing to bad weather and logistics issues. We embraced the change in plans!

My warm clothes were drenched after the climb, the temperatures dipped further and so did my confidence. Any remains of energy and enthusiasm I had left in me, waved goodbye! I was convinced I’d need a miracle to complete this. P1 lent me an extra pair of fleece from his towering backpack. It was a painfully cold though short journey back into my little tent. My hands were so cold, they trembled as I struggled to open up the sleeping bag. The bag was drenched on the outside, uninviting and cold. I fought every nerve in my body to slip into it and forced some sleep upon myself. The following day proved to be my toughest.

Day 5: Dhanderas Thatch (Lower Waterfall Camp)

At 5 AM, I scrambled out of my sleeping bag and froze. How was I supposed to crawl outta my tent and brave that cold, get past breakfast let alone the trek. My hands begged for some warmth, out came the leather gloves. I momentarily contemplated skipping the meal over a few extra minutes of warmth in my tent.

We’d only just begun the climb for the day, and I found myself breathing heavier than sedated monkeys! I stopped two minutes into my hike and let the others pass me by. I needed to breathe. My thighs refused to support my climb. I had three full days of climbing left to reach the top before we begun our descend into Sangla. Nothing qualified as legit motivation at this point. I perched myself on a huge rock and watched the others go past me. A few moments later, Arvind came up to me and chimed in, ‘Chalo Reemaji, dheere dheere chalo. Pohoch jaoge!’ I wasn’t going to succumb to petty tears of self defeat. Despite being without will, I got to my feet and took the tiniest and slowest steps in the history of forever. This continued for a good 60 minutes during which I halted at every other twist and turn. I resigned to the assumption that the rest of the guys had probably completed the trail and were perhaps already napping for the day.

After pushing myself for a few more miles, we saw 53 running towards us! We’d somehow managed to catch up with the group. They’d halted to grab a bite. Somehow in that moment, seeing everyone raring to go, hearing them go, ‘Don’t give up!’ lifted my spirits. I looked around me. When did we arrive here, at this unreal beautiful juncture in our journey. My eyes had to witness the scenes atop the Rupin pass. Picked myself up again and walked across the most beautiful display of pebbled Rupin waters, climbed higher up the hills, crossed a slippery snow bridge and found myself in the middle of the greenest meadows peppered with cows on the moo. 🙂

I jogged my memory to check if I’d seen something more beautiful than what surrounded me in that tick. Nah! This was the BIG HIMALAYAN SHOW OFF. The landscapes stood around us as proud paintings etched in hues borrowed from paradise.

We stood and just stared. So beautiful. I would never do justice to that beauty with my shabby words. The journey had all been worth it. I remember Uncle Colonel telling me that I’d make it. He said let the others pass by, you enjoy the trail at your own pace, but don’t give up! We’ll all be up at the pass together.

That night, I found myself singing a song to a huddled group of hikers around a bonfire and the silence of the mountains. I’d never find the courage to do this back home. The steepest climb stared down at us the next day but I was going to try and focus on the happy vibes!

Day 6: Rati Pheri (Upper Waterfall Camp)

Today, we were going to quickly gain 1000 mts in height. I knew I’d make it. My immediate neighbours, Chohan and Harish gave me the last remains of their Gatorade to help me conquer this next climb that had been labeled as the toughest yet. 🙂 I’d already won the battle against my mind the previous day, I plunged head first into this day with a truck full of confidence.

The climb had been broken down into three waterfalls, one above the other. It was tough but so was my resolve. Quick small steps, aching muscles, couple of water sipping breaks and we were through to the top of the third waterfall. A few DDLJ poses and a lunch later, we set off to scale the last flash of height.

What we didn’t anticipate was that this was going to wreck us! We were looking up at a damn near 90 degree steep climb. Soon, an acute headache entered my world! That mixed with breathing trouble and muscle ache made a terrific combo. The climb didn’t seem to end. Every little patch I’d somehow finish conquering would immediately say hello to a new pile of height. This was definitely that same damned eternal beanstalk poor Jack had to climb in a fairytale. No clue how it got here.

I climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed some more. Hello? Anything upstairs? I have been played by the Himalayas, I screamed. Oh, the pain!

After what seemed like an agonising eternity, I reached the campsite and how. It was a basin locked by beautiful barren mountains laced with snow. Thank goodness I reached when I did, ‘cause minutes later we found ourselves at the epi-center of a hailstone shower. Tiny shiny little morons! If I subtracted the chill from the scheme of things, then I’d probably admire their icy beauty. All hail the mountains! Soon little flakes of snow crashed the party too! The campsite had slowly turned into a semi-white wonderland. Acclimatisation. Check.

Shivered I did, for the rest of the day. That evening, I managed to win a round of Mafia as the mafia for the first time since meeting my comrades! :p

I refused to go seek my tent, ‘twas colder than ever! I would turn into cold slaw. I couldn’t possibly put my family through that. Not to mention, the horror stories that plagued the campsite.

But the porters traveling with us needed a place to sleep too, so after dinner we evacuated the activity tent and crept into our respective little plastic dens. I slipped into 5 layers of clothes that night. Brr!

We were almost there! I could barely wait! 🙂

[iamnotthedog]

OLYMPIA TO OLYMPIC NATIONAL PARK: AUGUST 12, 2001

“The license plates on the front and back are different,” Joe said. He was standing in front of the truck, one hand holding a cigarette, the other on the hood.

“I know,” I replied. “And check out what I have to do to start the fucking thing.”

We drove back over to the peninsula the same way I had returned, taking Highway 8 to the 12, and over to Aberdeen and Hoquiam, where we hooked up with the 101 that would take us north to Quinault and the Olympic National Forest, and then west out to Kalaloch and the Pacific Ocean. It was a beautiful afternoon drive—the thick gray clouds occasionally breaking to let some sun stream in through the pines. By Lake Quinault, I pulled over next to a sign along the highway that read “Quinault Big Cedar,” and Joe and I hiked into the dense forest to see the gigantic red beast.1 The power of a forest and a tree like that is tangible—you can actually feel it in the air, you can actually feel that trees that big are living, breathing creatures—and I could tell by the look on Joe’s face that he had never felt anything like it. Neither of us said a word for almost a half hour as we walked on the trails and through the ferns, winding our way through the massive trees.

We drove to Kalaloch, parked the truck in the parking lot, and hiked down to the beach, hopping over giant beached logs and piles of driftwood, having finally come to rest after pitching around out on the ocean for who knows how long. After a while, we walked back to the truck, picked up a case of Olympia beer, some bread and cheese, and a couple packs of cigarettes at a gas station, and drove north to a nice little pullout overlooking the ocean.

We sat on the hood of the truck in the wet evening air and cracked a couple beers.

“We’re going to be soaked if we sleep out here,” Joe said between gulps.

“We’ll sleep in the truck bed and put the tarp over us,” I said. “No big deal.”

After an hour or so, we were both drunk and wandering around the edge of the forest and out onto the beach under the sunset—a thin line of red on the horizon that had lit the blanket of clouds above us from underneath and painted the entire great dome of the sky in fiery hues. I walked back to the truck to grab myself another beer and hunk of bread, and Joe yelled to me from the coastline: “You really going to leave?”

“What else am I going to do?” I yelled back to him, “Move in with you and your brother and sleep on the floor and get a fucking job at Olive Garden? I can’t settle down right now, man. I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

Joe picked up a piece of driftwood and threw it up my way. It bounced on the hard sand in front of the truck and skittered to a stop out on the road behind me. “I love it here!” he yelled.

“I do too, man!” I yelled back. “I just don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?”

“I feel like I need to go back down to Yosemite,” I said. “I have some connections down there to get me started. I can build a whole new life for myself down there. Moving back up here with you would feel like I was moving back home again. Giving up.”

Joe laughed. “Giving up on what?”

I threw back most of my can of beer in a few big gulps and grabbed another one. I didn’t have an answer.

“You’re going to be famous someday,” Joe said.

We slept in our clothes, with our sleeping bags zipped up over our heads and a tarp pulled over us. I woke up before Joe in the morning, sweating my ass off. Pulling the sleeping bag away from my face, I saw that the fog was burning off, and the sun was streaming down over the tops of the trees to the east and baking us in our little tarp oven. My throat was dry and caked with what felt like gravel, and my temples throbbed. On the ground next to the driver’s side of the truck, a few seagulls were pulling at the bag of bread we had left out, tearing the plastic with their beaks and pecking at the crumbs. I realized neither Joe nor I had thought to bring any water, and I cracked our last beer.

Joe woke up about an hour later, and after a short walk down to the ocean to stretch and splash some salt water on our faces, we drove back to Olympia.

With no traffic, it only took us about an hour and a half to get back within city limits. Turning northeast off the highway onto Black Lake Boulevard, we passed a couple car dealerships, a strip mall, a Walgreen’s, an IHOP, and about a mile of nondescript businesses set off from the road on big parking lots with well-trimmed bushes around the edges. When we turned right on Harrison and started passing some smaller local businesses—a music store, a bike shop, a framing shop, a tavern, a Mexican restaurant—I realized I was about to say goodbye to Joe, then got sort of depressed as I thought of how every goodbye from here on out for the rest of my goddamned life was possibly a goodbye forever. Anything could happen to either of us, or anyone for that matter. There was never any telling in the world. Especially not in my world, not then.

“You know, man,” I said, navigating a turnabout to head southeast and take the 4th Avenue bridge over the gray West Bay, “If everything doesn’t work out for me down in California, maybe I’ll come back here and we can try to make something happen. Maybe go somewhere together. Alaska or South America or something.”

Joe looked at me and smiled, but he had a look of sad understanding in his eyes, as though he could foresee that the words coming out of my mouth were just that. Words. We drove on in silence through some narrow residential streets, then pulled into Ben’s driveway and got out of the truck to hug. Joe lit a cigarette, and stood for a minute at the front of the truck, patting the hood lovingly.

“Take care of this thing,” he said.

“I will,” I answered, sitting back in the driver’s seat. I closed the door and rolled down the window to shake Joe’s hand one more time.

“See you when I see you,” he said.

Then I took off on Interstate 5, due south.

The Quinault Big Cedar is the world’s largest known red cedar at 174 feet tall and nearly twenty feet in diameter. ↩︎