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wellstringer · 5 months ago

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Your light is brighter than you think

This is a Lumity tickle fic. Please don’t read it if this kind of content bothers you. Thanks, and to those who read it enjoy :)

word count: 1,957

description: Luz has been upset over the progress of her glyph research for days. Amity is determined to change this.

“Oh batata! Come out, come out wherever you are!~”

“Oh no, this is bad!”

Luz tried her best to hold her breath as she searched for a hiding spot. Earlier that day she made the mistake of saying something self-deprecating in front of her girlfriend, and now she was trying to escape the impending conversation that Amity would make her have immediately if she gets caught.

Luz has been working on finding new glyph combinations using King’s recently developed titan magic, but not many have been successful so far. This led to Luz feeling frustrated, since she holds herself to a high standard that would be hard for anyone to reach.

On top of that, Eda recently asked her to do a demonstration on titan magic at the university, so she needed to make sure she had a good list of spells to demonstrate before then.

After the latest failed experiment, Luz voiced her frustrations out loud.

“UGH, I really don’t understand why Eda chose me to do a demonstration, I can’t do anything right sometimes. I’m such a loser!”

After saying that she suddenly heard a gasp come from behind her. She was alone before, and she did not realize that Amity was going to come over to visit her while she was working.

Even though Amity had her own projects to focus on, she knew that Luz was upset over her progress lately, and wanted to surprise her with some sweets she learned how to bake to try to lift her spirits. She arrived just in time to hear what Luz said, and there was no way she was going to let her batata talk about herself like that.

“I’m gonna find you soon~ You are going to take back those words and then some if I can help it. No one gets away with saying bad things about my precious Luz!”

Luz was grateful that invisibility glyphs still worked the same way they did with King’s dad’s magic. She made it to a hiding spot, but she knew it wouldn’t cover her for long.

She pulled a new glyph she was working on out of her pocket and stared at it nervously. When successfully executed, this glyph is supposed to create an illusion spell to disguise the user as an object of their choosing. She hadn’t successfully used yet, but she had to try, or else Amity would-

“Found you baby~”

“WAA-“

Luz suddenly found herself trapped within Amity’s arms.

“How did you find me so fast!?”

Amity squeezed Luz tightly and then pressed a bunch of obnoxiously loud kisses to the back of her neck before responding.

“Because I know you and all of your tricks sweetheart. I knew that my awesome, brilliant girlfriend would use her glyphs to try to escape. I knew she would try to use one of her new glyphs, but would hesitate because she sometimes doesn’t believe in herself even though she should.”

Luz blushed and looked away from Amity; she was embarrassed that she figured her out so easily. Luz knew that she was supposed to believe in herself (she learned that from King’s dad after all), but it was hard to get past years of self-doubt.

This is especially true during situations like this.

“I have the most kind, selfless, and creative girlfriend in the Boiling Isles, she just needs someone to show her a mirror sometimes. Now, are you going to take back what you said, or do you need a little bit of convincing~”

At that, Amity began to lightly walk her fingers across her girlfriend’s belly in the hopes of getting a giggle out of her sweet potato. If Luz really wanted her to, she would stop in a heartbeat. As an awesome girlfriend, she would never overstep her boundaries.

She would find a way to get Luz to love herself as much as she does either way (well at least close to it, since it might not be possible for anyone to love Luz more than she does), but she figured a good laugh might get Luz more relaxed and make her more receptive to her compliments.

Luz giggled and squirmed under her girlfriend’s touch, but didn’t try to escape. She thought about giving in right then and there, but both her and Amity had been busy for the past couple of days, and she definitely wouldn’t mind getting some playful affection from her cotton candy haired goddess.

“I’m not sure if I can accept that so easily.”

Luz fake pouted as she said this and pretended to be grumpy to provoke Amity.

Amity smirked at Luz and moved to lay her down across her lap.

“Don’t worry batata, I can help you with that~”

Before she did anything else, Amity looked down at Luz with an absolutely smitten expression and kissed the bridge of her nose.

“I love you. I won’t ever let you forget that.”

Luz blushed profusely and opened her mouth to say something, only to burst out laughing when Amity suddenly launched her attack.

Amity swiftly spidered her fingers up and down Luz’s sides and over her belly. She giggled along with Luz, finding her laughter to be endearing.

“WAHAHA AMHIHITY”

“Yes batata?~”

“HEHEHE WAHAHA”

“Do you have nothing to say after all? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you what I want to hear from you in a bit.~ First though, I heard from Gus that humans have the same amount of ribs as witches do. I hope you don’t mind if I fact check his claim.”

“IHIHIT’S THEHEHE SAHAME! I’M SURE IT’S THE SAHAME HAHAHA!”

“Well I’ll be the judge of that. Let’s see, one, two, three- ah you can’t move baby, you’re messing me up. I guess I’ll just have to start again!”

This went on for a few more minutes, Amity sometimes pausing her counting to gently scritch at Luz’s ribs. Luz was in hysterics the entire time until Amity finally decided to stop and give her a break.

Luz breathed heavily as she attempted to catch her breath. She still had a wobbly smile on her face; Amity cupped Luz’s cheeks with her hands and swooned over how cute her batata was.

“Oh Luz, how could you call someone so cute a loser? You have such cute, squishy cheeks, a beautiful smile, gorgeous brown eyes, and of course I could never forget these adorable little round ears!~”

Amity traced the shell of one of Luz’s ears, causing her to break out into giggles and lean into the touch.

Luz looked up in shock and covered her mouth, while Amity gasped and looked down at her sweetheart in awe.

“Your ears are ticklish too!? Whenever I start to think that you couldn’t possibly be any more adorable than you are, you always manage to prove me wrong batata.”

“Whahait, Sweheheet Potahato!”

Luz giggled in anticipation and wiggled within Amity’s grasp. She felt way happier than she did earlier that day.

“Wait for what? Do you want me to stop?”

Amity fully meant her question as she looked into Luz’s eyes inquisitively. She didn’t want to push her girlfriend too far.

“No, no, it’s ok. I promise I would tell you if I wanted you to stop sweet potato! I-I actually feel a lot better now.”

Luz blushed as she said this and turned her head away again, causing Amity to squeal at her cuteness.

“EEEEE YOU’RE SO CUTE! I’m happy you are feeling better, batata! I still want to try one more thing though, if that’s ok with you?”

Luz almost rivaled Amity’s typical blush with how red her face was by this point.

“Ok, you can do what you want.”

“Thank you batata!~ Also, I think I have decided on what I want you to say!”

Luz looked at her girlfriend warily, knowing that she probably would have trouble fulfilling her wishes.

“What do you want me to say babe?”

Amity smirked as she looked down at Luz.

“I want you to say “Luz Noceda is an adorable, intelligent, kind, and brave sweetheart who is the best choice for the demonstration of wild magic.”

“There is no way I am saying that!”

“Suit yourself~”

“There is no way you actually expect me tohoho hehe Ahimihity!”

Amity began to gently scribble her nails over Luz’s ears, while also leaning down to pepper kisses over her face.

“HeheHe AhiMity!”

“That’s my name cutie~”

“MeHerCy!”

“Nah, you’re fine. Oooo, I wonder if these cute cheeks are ticklish?”

“Ehehehe”

“Looks like they are~”

Amity scribbled on Luz’s face as she nuzzled their noses together. She was really happy to hear Luz laugh like this, since she seemed pretty sad for the past couple of days. This definitely wasn’t the first time Luz was too harsh on herself, and luckily her loved ones knew by now that she just needed a little push to realize that she wasn’t disappointing anyone.

“Are you willing to say it yet?”

“Ihihi cahan’t”

“Welp, I guess I need to pull out the nuclear option.”

“Wahait, whahat’s theheHEHEHE AHIMITY NOHOHO!”

Amity suddenly took in a deep breath and then blew a big raspberry on Luz’s cheek. She did this a few times before moving down to her neck and doing the same thing.

“I’LL SAHAHAY IHIHIT! AHAMIHITY PLEHEASE!”

Amity giggled and smiled brightly at that, seeing that Luz was at her tickle limit for the day.

“Ohok ok, I’ll stop. Take your time batata.”

Amity loosened her grip on her girlfriend and moved to caress her bright red cheeks instead. She really loves Luz with all her heart, and she always hates when she thinks so lowly of herself. She is never upset with Luz for being sad, but she refuses to let her think she is worthless.

As Luz was catching her breath Amity peppered a few kisses here and there until Luz looked into her eyes as if to say she was ready. Amity backed up a bit and gave Luz a reassuring smile, encouraging her to speak.

“I know I’ve been a bit harsh on myself lately-“

“Just a bit?~”

“Ok, ok, more than a bit. I realize that even though it is not going as well as I hoped it would go I am still trying, and in the end that is what is important. I’ll try not to be so hard on myself anymore, and I’ll make sure my presentation is the best that it can be!”

Amity sighed with a small smile on her face. She knew that for now that would probably be the most she would get from her girlfriend, but at least it was progress.

“Ok, I think I can accept that. Hey, I brought some new sweets for you to try and some tea and water too. I’m sure that you are thirsty after all of that, do you wanna take a break and have a picnic with me?”

Luz smiled brightly at Amity’s suggestion and pushed her work away to the back of her mind.

Of course I would love to sweet potato! Let’s go!”

As they were walking back over to where Amity left her picnic basket a loud, grumbling noise was heard in the air. Amity blushed a bit while Luz looked over at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Sweet potato, did you eat anything today.”

Amity looked away sheepishly, but still answered Luz’s question honestly.

“No, I was so caught up baking that I forgot to.”

Luz sighed and then smiled at Amity.

“We can’t just eat sweets then, we gotta go eat food too, ok?”

Amity smiled back.

“Ok.”

Luz and Amity always have each other’s backs, even though they forget to take care of their own sometimes.

#Owl house tickles #Tickle fic #ler Amity #Lee Luz

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mirakurutaimu · 1 year ago

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I know it's a little silly but you having merch makes me real giddy. Like damn I remember the early day streams and look at this imp now!! She got merch! Imp become big!! It's super fun to see. I hope the Mimi plushies come back in the future, bank account was too desolate to snag one now.

hell yeah homie 💜 thanks for all the support over the years!!!

actually, my third anniversary of streaming was THIS WEEK!!! i just forgot about it lmao!!!

some brief thoughts and words on that below the cut

(and maybe someday i'll be able to release a plushie again... maybe cooler stuff... we'll see!!!)

damn remember read mores? i can't believe this site is still around

anyways.

this week marks my third anniversary as a full-time streamer! well, I say "full-time streamer" but honestly I'm not very consistent (or good) at it lmao. don't get me wrong, I love streaming, love hanging out with the chatroom stoners and shooting the shit while playing games or whatever and I'm eternally thankful that I get to pay my bills thanks to the generosity of kindly stoners online. you guys are the best!!! (for the record, none of this is intended to come across as self-deprecating or baiting engagement or anything, I am simply speaking objectively and truthfully)

I feel like my lifestyle (and combination of rotating hyperfixations + debilitating attention problems lmfao) doesn't conduct itself well to being a ""Good"" streamer y'know? can't rightly schedule streams because I never know what kinda vibe a future day is going to have, can never decide what I'd even stream ahead of time, can't stream at a consistent time of day due to tumultuous changes in sleep schedule, can't plan or organize Big Fancy Event streams due to attention problems (tabletop stream coming Soon™️™️™️™️™️), all I ever stream is Defense of the Ancients 2 (I'm sorry my brainworms from my teenage years came back I prommy I'll stream something else. at some point. eventually. maybe. probably. definitely)

despite all that dumb shit, you guys have stuck with me! you're the best!

over the years, my community has helped me pay my bills, helped me move across the planet, helped me better come to terms with long-ruminated thoughts on my gender identity, helped me with hella inspiring art and fan works, inspired me to focus on and improve my own creative endeavors, etc. etc. etc. etc. I truly can't thank you guys enough for the joy you all bring to my life every day!!!!!!

my job title is "Streamer" but in truth, the most important part of this job to me has always been building and maintaining a stable, comfortable community where folks of marginalized identities and the like can come together in a judgement-free chill zone to hang out and inspire each other in. my Discord server is my pride and joy! I love hosting random, unannounced watch parties of the same 5 cartoons at 4:20 AM with you guys, I love hanging out and working on art with you guys, love seeing your art of your characters, etc. etc. it makes me happy that I've been able to provide a cool lil corner of the internet for folks to have a good time in.

so uhhh anyways rambling aside. you folks rule and I'm glad I get to maintain such a cool spot online. dunno where I was going with this other than that. here's to many more years of hanging out and ripping the bong my dudes 🤘👽⚗️

to quote my man chipp zanuff's theme,

BE FREE 'TIL YOU DIE

#big dumb rambly post #happy 3 years stoners

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ladylucksrogue · 1 year ago

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I wanted to post something yesterday, because Mental Health Monday and all…but yeah, as it is, life got in the way. Specifically, I just kind of fell asleep on the couch as soon as I got home. Oh well, happens to the best of us, or the worst of us?

See what happened there? I wrote a paragraph that is both positive as well as a little self-deprecating, like bordering on negative?

Even as a psychologist, I catch myself lobbing negative thoughts at myself. It’s partially my sense of humor, but part of it is that, like everyone else, I critique myself constantly. Why is it that we do that?

There can be a lot of answers, and no answer will be the same for everyone. It can be force of habit, it can be due to life experiences, or it can be a sign of something deeper, like depression or anxiety or a handy mix of both. A bit of negativity doesn’t have to be a bad thing, as long as it stays within the confines of just a little bit.

When negativity becomes a pattern, it can get out of hand. Today, we are going to talk about a specific kind of pattern that I have seen a lot of lately, and what we can do about it.

Catastrophizing is when we start letting the negative thoughts spiral, when we start predicting all the worst case scenarios, despite there being little evidence that shows us something absolutely terrible is going to happen.

For example: I just lost my job, now I’m going to lose everything.

I failed a test, I am a loser, I’ll never get anywhere.

I suck so bad at this, I’ll never get my license.

These are the “simple cases”. Some people take it way further, creating doomsday scenarios that are cinema worthy. I am never one to critique creativity, but sometimes, it just isn’t that dramatic.

Am I being dismissive of someone’s fears? No. In order stop someone from catastrophizing, or even to stop yourself, sometimes you need a reality check.

Case in point, I was watching the news. I won’t go into specifics, but something very real world triggered something that I thought buried by me, and well, I’m sitting there listening to some expert talk about the situation and ramped up, going on a rant about the worst case scenario. My husband basically told me to breath, that there wasn’t anything I can do about it anyway. It’s not my problem, not anymore and I can’t save the world. And he’s right. What he did, whether he knew it or not, was to stop my spiral in its tracks.

This is important, we can all learn to do this. We all know ourselves pretty well. When we start to realize that a situation is getting critical, when we are feeling that turmoil, that spiral of negativity, we can take a step back. Breath. Find somewhere to sit, grab a coffee/tea/choice of beverage. Focus on the present, focus on the cup in your hands, the birds chirping, whatever.

Break down the situation, right now, as it is happening. It is easy to focus on the negative. We don’t catastrophize about positive things. But just focus on the facts. Facts are good, facts let us work.

Come up with a plan. What can we do in this very moment? Can we do anything at all? Do we need to wait it out? If we do need to wait it out, can we focus on something else so that we don’t get sucked back into that spiral?

Sometimes it helps to look at things from a different perspective, to imagine you are someone else looking in. If you have someone you trust to help you, talk to them about it, the more perspectives you have, the more you realize, things are not as clear cut as you thought.

Sometimes, especially in situations like exams or big events, it helps to positively visualize your end goal. How you get there is irrelevant. You want that license or diploma. Visualize it hanging on your wall, in your hands, you walking the stage. Then if/when you fail a test, you still have that vision in mind. It might be another obstacle in your way but your end goal is the same.

And finally, self care. Self care is important. Focus on you. If you need to take a break, take one. If you need time for yourself, take it. Take a nap, a spa day, a vacation day. Even if you have zero time, find five minutes. Get yourself that latte that you wanted, eat a cookie, something. Take time for yourself, no one else is going to give it to you. And you do not have to justify it to anyone. It is your time. You choose how to use it.

Find people you trust and confide in them. Sometimes the simple act of talking to someone who cares is really important. It lets us decompress and move forward. You know how pressure builds up in a boiler or how when you shake a soda? All that built up pressure has to go somewhere. When you talk to someone, it’s like letting that pressure out…

A little helpful trick I like to use is to find joy no matter what. It can be small. We all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, etc. Find something, anything that brings you joy. Nothing is too small. Take a minute to look at the flowers on the side of the road, a butterfly, a bird. Let yourself enjoy that moment. The coffee you picked up from that new café is really good? Take a moment to savor that. Little things go a long way to improve your overall well being.

Do you all have any psychology questions or have topics you want me to discuss, let me know 😊 I've wanted to do something like this for a while. I contemplated doing a video, and maybe I will in the future. I just worry I'll come across too boring, like some professor. For now I'll just post here. Stay safe everyone!

#mental health monday #mental health #long post #negativity #catastrophizing #self care #mindfulness #step into the shrink's office

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flowersoftheuniverse · 2 years ago

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——— if you’re hearing HELLO MY OLD HEART by THE OH HELLOS playing, you have to know CASSANDRA LEWIS (SHE/HER; CIS WOMAN) is nearby! the TWENTY-FOUR year old has been in denver for, like, TWO YEARS. they’re known to be quite SELF-DEPRECATING, but being EMPATHETIC seems to balance that out. or maybe it’s the fact that they resemble KATIE DOUGLAS. personally, i’d love to know more about them seeing as how they’ve got those SOFT RAIN ON WINDOW PANES, RUSTLING PAPER IN A LIBRARY, WARM COCOA vibes. and maybe i’ll get my chance if i hang out around the MONTBELLO DISTRICT long enough!

prefers to go by cassie; thinks “cassandra” is too fancy for her

+ empathetic, kind, creative, friendly, loyal

- self-deprecating, isolating, obsessive, workaholic

4’10 and panromantic/demisexual

has always known she’s meant to be a writer; has been writing stories since she could hold a pencil

won several awards for her writing in high school and had her stories published in the school paper

despite this she holds herself at such a high standard she frequently thinks she’s not good enough to be actually published

it was just her and her mom for as long as she can remember

she felt guilty moving to denver and leaving her mom, but her mom encouraged her to move out and have new experiences

very introverted but also very lonely

was a loner in high school and got teased a lot, which ranked her self-esteem

works as a barista while she works on her writing. genuinely wants to publish something, but is too afraid of rejection to submit anything yet. has been working on the same draft for two years

is a part of a writer’s group that meets at the library once a week

wanted connections:

- roommate - high school best friend she’s still in contact with - coworker baristas - regulars at the cafe - fellow writer group members

ooc: feel free to come into my dms any time to plot connections/ask for starters!

#cassie:bio #chq;intro

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joshuahyslop · 2 years ago

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BOOKS

The last 10 books I’ve read:

1. Zen in the Art of Writing - Ray Bradbury Before this I’d only ever read Fahrenheit 451 by Bradbury. I’m not really into sci-fi books. But the photo of him on the book jacket was too good to pass up. He’s smiling, wearing impossibly huge glasses and holding his cat. It made me laugh and I recognized the name so I bought it. I was surprised to find a lot of very solid advice on writing and the approach to any creative endeavour. It was actually a very good little book.

2. Acres & Pains - S.J. Perelman This was random. I found this little book in a used bookstore here in Vancouver - one that I don’t often visit, and was happy to grab it for its $5 price tag. S.J. Perelman was a “humorist”, which, as far as I can understand it, basically means a comedian who knows big words. I would be surprised if David Sedaris did not grow up reading Perelman’s work. It’s very self-deprecating and quite droll.

3. Selected Poems - William Carlos Williams I’ve been diving deeper into poetry. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in my mid-thirties or what, but I’m finding it more and more enjoyable. I’m still mainly reading Bukowski’s poems when I can find them, but in between I’m picking up classics like this and thoroughly enjoying doing so.

4. A Poetry Handbook - Mary Oliver Mary Oliver is one of my favourite poets and this book is her instruction manual on how to read and write poetry. She recommends other poets to check out, she talks about rhyme scheme and free verse and its origins. It’s a highly educational read for someone who writes for a living but it’s also enjoyable if you just like poetry. Worth checking out.

5. Selected Poems - Antonio Machado This was one of the books recommended in “A Poetry Handbook”. Along with Li Po (whose poetry I had an immensely hard time tracking down) and Jack Gilbert. I knew nothing of Machado when I bought this book and now I know a little bit. The introduction to this book of poems was super helpful, but it’s 67 pages with footnotes and takes about as long to read as the rest of the entire book. One neat aspect was that the left side of every page was the original poem in Spanish, the right side was its translation. I don’t speak Spanish but it was cool to be able to see his intended rhythm.

6. Invisible Boy - Harrison Mooney I grew up in Abbotsford, aka “Canada’s Bible Belt”: an almost exclusively white community with well over 100 churches. Harrison did too. We were somewhere between childhood acquaintances and childhood friends. We knew each other, I’d been to his house a couple times, but he was two years older than me so we were never super close. His book is about his experience as a Black boy being adopted by a white Christian fundamentalist family. Looking back I see so much of the racism that was prevalent in that town, in our school and in those churches that I did not experience because I’m white. It was an enjoyable book because it’s very well written. It’s very funny and very sad. But it was difficult as well because I knew those people, those places, those institutions, first hand but I was so largely ignorant of his, and so many others, experiences. And, though I can’t relate to the racism he experienced, I can relate to the confusion he felt trying his best to embrace a religion he was indoctrinated into. I can relate to the guilt of not fully believing, but not wanting to let anyone down. I can’t imagine the added burden of experiencing racism daily (even in his own home) and the questions that being adopted would constantly bring up. This is a book not meant to be missed. Do yourself a favour and check it out.

7. The Roominghouse Madrigals - Charles Bukowski This is a selection of his early poetry between the years 1946 and 1966. It’s a classic example of his work and reminded me, yet again, of why I love reading his stuff. I don’t know what it is. Not every poem connects with me, but enough of them do that I can sit and read his poetry for hours. I have.

8. The Fire Next Time - James Baldwin This has been in my stack of “books to read” for months but after reading Harrison’s book and his description of his encounter with this book I grabbed it and dove in. It’s quite a short read, but it’s incredibly powerful. I kept thinking, “Why was I not aware of his writing when I was in high school?” The answer is fairly obvious and, to put it mildly, disappointing. Still, if I was ever a teacher (not bloody likely) and I taught any kind of History or English class, this would be required reading for all my students.

9. The Inconvenient Indian: A Curious Account of Native People in North America - Thomas King Previously I’d only ever read, “The Truth About Stories” by Thomas King. It’s a short book but I loved it. I’ve been wanting to get to this book for a long time. Finally, after moving cities and having a week off in Mexico, I was able to dive in. It’s a great book - particularly as a Canadian who was never taught anything other than Christian propaganda regarding the Indigenous peoples of North America and their relationship with white colonizers. It was very informative, very disappointing to read and very sad. But I was also inspired by the Indigenous people and their resiliency and moved by their thoughtful and wise approach to nature. I also enjoyed how funny King is. It’s a fantastic book.

10. The Road - Cormac McCarthy There’s not much to say here. I love McCarthy’s writing but, not surprising, this was incredibly sad. Good if you like his stuff, but maybe not the place to start if you’ve never read anything by him before.

more soon, -joshua

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wouldntyou-liketoknow · 2 months ago

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It's because of stuff like this that I have so much self-doubt as a writer.

Despite the fact that I love writing as a hobby/art form, that I've been practicing ever since I could string full sentences together, that during my time in college I entered two creative writing contests and won first place in both...

Despite all that, I still feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like the way I write dialogue or descriptions is boring, like I'm not clever/witty, like I don't make the characters likeable or funny or intriguing.

This is my personal philosophy: when a story takes a lot of time to write, as well as being a long, heavy-wordcount piece in itself, that means more passion and effort was put into it. (Not saying anything against writers who can whip stuff up in a short amount of time. We all have different schedules/work ethics, and they're all valid.)

I really try to make something thorough and deep with my longer stories, and I feel proud when they're finally complete...

And yet, they get so little attention.

And that makes me feel like all my work is for nothing. That my stories can't be interesting, that I must be a useless writer, because if they were and if I wasn't, then people would read them and I'd have a little bit more to show for all the time and emotion and energy I put in.

So, in summary, that stuff kinda hurts like a bitch.

I know the algorithms are bullshit, and I don't blame other people for being picky with what they consume, because I've been picky myself. But my anxieties still get to me a lot of the time, and it's not at all uncommon for them to make me think of people just not giving my work a chance because I happen to be wordy and they automatically deem that as boring or pretentious or what-the-hell-ever.

It's not gonna stop me from writing, because again, I genuinely love it. Plus, I've been lucky to make a few real friends online that I can trust to chat/brainstorm with; so, writing stuff as gifts for them is very nice, too.

I just wish some people didn't feel the need to be so blatant about stuff like this. Because we writers already feel uncertain/anxious/self-deprecating about it as it is.

Do they know that reading is not mandatory? Nobody is forcing them to read?

#tangent #ranting #ramblings of a mad woman #writer talk #writer problems

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luicifellt · 1 year ago

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So I got some issues..

Emotional issues. This complicates communication greatly..

To try and explain my thoughts, and thought process to my new partner I decided to write some of it down. To help get him an idea.

Because I'm inept at explaining my feelings and emotions.

Beneath the read more will be a lot ... but I need to have it out somewhere. Maybe someone will read it.

I dont know what I hope to get out of this. But its fairly dramatic so ... someone might like to read it.

These are snippets of thought.

Sadness

Anxiety

Stress

Loneliness?

Self hatred

Self disgust

Can't do anything right

Won't finish what's started.

Anything created will be hated, and NOT good enough. At all times.

Am I toxic?

Do you love me? Yes?

I believe you..

But Why?

Not pretty, not talented, not smart.

Kinda phat.

Emotional but can't express it.

Depressive episodes and mood swings...

Females am I rite?

Why bother ?

Why would you pick this? There's better options.. hopefully.

Seems like a mistake to invest in me. Though I'm so happy you did pick me. Never thought I'd have a relationship.

So good to me... can't give anything back though. Its not enough.

Can't handle myself well. Will lash out..

Seems like a animal adoption form. Don't adopt me. I look soft, looks are deceiving.

No motivation hates Self for that

No inspiration hates Self for that

No dreams or aspirations hates Self for that

No hobbies doesn't do much hates Self for that

Probably the worst conversationalist. Only has about 5 witty bright and fun days where true humor truly shows (a year) hates Self for that.

Selfish! can't stand myself, but still want the nice things.

Egotistical hates Self 90% of the time the other 10% is spend on Self complimenting ???

Hates Self for that. Thanks brain.

Horrible body image. Hasn't realy looked at self more that absolutely necessary in 15 years. When mirror is used: -10 don't recommend.

Uses self deprecating humor to feel better. Bad trait.

Can't control bad thoughts, let's it spiral like a junji ito story.

See! can be funny..is not enough though, is it.

Friend(s) will tire of this.

Got nothing to add to the group.

Can't (but should) find the energie and motivation to change that short term.

Long term probably not worth it. Tho Time will move anyway.. why have people waste it.

Fear of abandonment, fear of being left alone. Also weirdly craving it, to get it over with.

Convinced feelings can be turned off and broken. Maybe it should.

Who's kidding, sobbing mess in private! But can barely cry in company. Why. Nobody knows. *ugly cryier

Should honestly, cry more... should cry more honestly. Shouldn't let it vester for months. But I will.

No fysical energy. No creative energy. Stuck In the limbo of adult life.

Gets envious of people that know how to express themselves and have dreams and can make art and spend their time productive. Hates Self for that.

Self hate trumps envy. Keeps me grounded.

Don't know where the balls to hold out like this come from.. weird episodes of righteous ideas on improvement and finding motivation to improve. Can and will not last longer than 5 to 7 business days.

Tried psychologic help. Makes head messier and can't express any thought or feeling without feeling like crying.. main reason to keep it in.

Why does it bother me? Will cry literally everytime, feelings need to be discussed. No one wants that... yes. I decided that, because I don't want that.

Convinced that whatever power the universe holds in its dark matter, it manifests as bad luck.. consistently.. Time and experience have proven this to me.

Maybe just pessimistic.

Definitely just pessimistic.

Good taste in music tho. Bit static perhaps.

Has grand ideas. Doesn't know how to express them. Dissapointing.

Will overthink most things. Takes pride in well thought out plans... overthinking still more a problem, than a benefit.

Loves deeply for a lot of things but can't invest in one thing. Took a long time to convince myself I could love. Inexperienced.

Wish I could do better for you. Wish I could like me more.

Has hope to get better with help. But the spirals... Make me tired.

Has thought about dying. Knows this is a no no. Been through this before at years 12 through to 18. Never again. Not like that.

Weight loss helped.... people around me, to behave normally.

With the exception of a few, people would be degrading, look down on me, find me disgusting.

What I later learned however is that its usually not okay to express these thing out loud, to the persons face... especially when underage.

except when you're fat apparently because people would... constantly, daily, even if they didn't know me. They'd still tell me in passing.. as if hearing it would change anything in that moment.

I have had people do double takes and track back so they could tell me I'm offensive to the eyes.

I wish i made that up to be dramatic.

I feel like I have lived 2 lives.

But the first one seems so far away. It's not just the "getting old" part, nor the nostalgia factor. I suspect I simply blocked out a lot of it. Memories have more gaps than I care to admit.

I grief over this often. Sounds dramatic, again... but its the truth. I feel like a big part of Self got lost in those years and I'll never find it again.

Regrets and heartbreak over small things seem, so big when you have a lot of them.

It hurts.

It hurts to look at all the stuff I possess and gathered over the years.

All the art supplies all the expensive materials. The tools, the airbrush, the paints and canvases. The clay, the silicone, the make up...

They mock me everytime I catch them gathering dust in the closet, or drawer. They take up endless amounts of space... but I can't get rid of it.. because, what if.. as if.

Not having these things hurts more...

I can write pretty decently. To bad everything written feels like a edgy YA novel. Dropped.

Reading used ro be a comfort.. now a pressure at the back of my head reminding me of how it USED to be. Reading now no longer an adventure, or practical pass time.

Feels like wasting time. ( and money)

Sometimes it feels like one more dissapointment away from running on empty.

No thoughts, head empty.

Sounds appealing. Where do you sign up.

Imagine being simultaneously most loved and taken care off by a partner, for the first time in your life... but also the most lost.

Feels like a disappointment.. one of many. How much more do I have, before it's to much for me, or the people around me.

Maybe i SHOULD write angsty YA novels.

Maybe not.

Wonder where the irrational thoughts and fits come from. Could it be trauma? Could it be drama? Maybe in another life I was a theatre kid after all.

Goals: be part of it, stop being a spectator.

Pick a personality that you like and stick with it. Be useful.

#emotions #feelings #train of thought #sad #quite sad #tw #trigger warning #depressing #depressing thoughts #mention of unaliving #nothing rly that dramatic tbh but i know how tumblr is #thought dump #honesty #lots of text

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trashpremiium · 1 year ago

Text

Here’s the thing. Creativity was never my strong suit. I’ve never been very good at coming up with things. New ideas are few and far between. The sentence “do you have any questions?” drops my stomach because no, I never do. But I feel like I should. See, my brain works a little like an algorithm. I catalog as much information as I’m physically able to, and when presented with the challenge of finding answer C, I recall everything I know about topic A and topic B, and mush them together until something passable emerges. It’s made me very good at pattern recognition– and thus prediction– because that’s just how I work. But that’s all it is. A collection of “if… then” statements.

I’m also an artist, which seems like a bit of an oxymoron. I picked up this hobby out of pure spite against a teacher who said I’d never be any good at it, and so I always will continue out of spite. But I’ve also noticed something, over the years. Certain hobbies– ones that require the process of creation– are unique in that they require two different components: technical skill and what I will refer to as the Sense. And it’s not so simple as “talent” vs “hard work” either. Technical skill can be attained by either of these methods. But the Sense is innate. It can’t be taught or acquired. It’s the ability to see something in your mind's eye, to breathe life into something you make. The essence of creation.

In some ways, it’s a great equalizer. Though some people naturally have both (every 12 year old artist that you look at and think “how the fuck did you do that”), a person that puts in the work to be self-taught can be just as good an artist as someone naturally talented or someone with formal training– as long as they all have the Sense. It’s most prevalent in beginner artists. Sure, their lines might be shaky, their proportions wonky, but there’s life in what they draw. It’s… natural, in a way I don’t have the words to explain. But without the Sense, you can never be as good as even someone with far far less technical skill than you.

Think of it like this: you can train your whole life to be a pianist. You can move your fingers through chord progressions faster than anyone. But if you don’t have an ear for music, you’re just hitting keys. You can have a mastery of your facial expressions that rivals the best, but if you fall apart the second you don’t have a script, you won’t be able to act.

I don’t have the Sense. I never have, and I never will. It’s… frustrating, to improve in technical skill but still know everything I draw is flat and lifeless. To see friends who very rarely draw instantly become better than me because they have something I never will.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t meant to be self-deprecating. I’ve never had any delusions about myself as a “good” artist. It’s a hobby, one that I find great joy in. But for a long time I felt like I was broken– that I didn’t have some spark that everyone is supposed to have, the one that makes it possible to sing and dance and create. The one that supposedly makes us human.

So this is for every “uncreative” person out there. For everyone who tries so hard but can’t find life in the things they make. For those who feel like they’re missing something that’s supposed to be innate. For those who create anyway. I love you.

#i'm having thoughts and feelings #and needed to get them out #zephyr talks

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threepointseven · 3 years ago

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hey! i was wondering if i could request hcs of scaramouche, childe and kaeya with a female s/o with a low self esteem? thanks!

-💕anon

When you have a low self esteem

Type- HC’s 🌷

Flowers included!🌼= kaeya x gn! Reader, scaramouche x gn! Reader, childe x gn! Reader

Note🍀= i have no creative energy im sorry this was so lazily made 😞

Genshin masterlist

💐Your bouquet has been delivered <3💐

Kaeya

- He’d be such a good ego booster ngl—

- Every second of the week hes already showering you in peace, complimenting you on your looks even the weirdest things like how your joints move-

- Hes always flirting with you and bragging about you to everyone. Especially to dilute

- So why do you have such a low self esteem </3 he’ll shut you up with a kiss rn if you keep on with the self deprecation

- When he catches you talking to yourself in your shared bedroom panicking cause you think your not good enough for him he’s immediately putting his arms around your waist, whispering in your ear how every inch of you is more than worthy enough to be with him, it doesn’t matter how long he has to stay there hugging you, kissing your skin while chanting the things he loves about you, as long as all that negative stuff about yourself you’ve been thinking comes to and end..

- “Im a push over, im literally a doormat, iim not good enough for you” he cant stand hearing those things come out of your mouth. If its asserting yourself or self consciousness thats stopping you from smiling hes gonna help you get rid of those stupid feelings

- He couldn’t stand to see you crying like that again so he priorities making you feel wanted from then on, whenever he even sees diluc he’ll start telling stories about you and showing you off while reminding dilluc that hes still single, and his oh so charming brother has an amazing lover he’d die for

- So many compliments to the point it gets embarrassing, and if you ever have a breakdown like that again he spends no time wrapping his arms around you and reassuring you once more

Scaramouche

- He has no idea what to do. I mean yes he also has a pretty low self esteem but he doesn’t ever really show it???

- So he proceeds to just hesitantly approach your shaking figure, he can see tears roll down your cheeks but your mouth is twisted into a smile while you degrade yourself with that joking tone of yours.

- He cant stand it. He doesn’t know what to do, at first hes trying to console you but all he’s greeted with is more self depreciation that stings him as much as it stings you. In a whim he pushes himself on you, hesitantly hugging you tightly while he reassures you that you’re nothing of the sort. You’re not unworthy, you’re not a failure, not everything bad that happens is your fault! He’s trying his best, he has no idea how to put it into words but hes trying.

- He doesn’t say much, he’ll let you cry and shake in his hold while you let all your insecurities out, sometimes flinching at the excessive self deprecation.

- He’ll sit there, burying his head into the crook of your neck while he rubs your back before protesting and attempting to make you feel better.

- It’ll be really really badly attempted compliments at your personality, your appearance…

- He’ll actually start telling other people about you, bragging about your strength, your appearance, your kindness. If it makes you feel like enough he’ll talk about you as much as he can.

- He doesn’t know how to deal with it but he tries reassure you, he even asks Childe for advice-

- He just needs you to know that you deserve him more than anyone in the universe really. You deserve everything good, and all those negative thoughts you have about yourself are just nuisances

Childe

- why 😡

- He gets what having such a low self esteem is like so he’ll be all over you

- He’ll probably know youve been feeling gloomy before you even tell him! Maybe its the way youve been looking at the mirror for too long lately, or how you unconsciously bring yourself down at times and excuse it as a joke

- He’ll know.

- And he just becomes such a sappy loving boyfriend.

- He’ll open his arms wide open and beckon you to give him a hug, its a bone crushing hug. One filled with utter love as he whispers every single thing he loves about you.

- He’ll let you sob on his shoulder and he’ll rub your back gently.

- It probably breaks his heart more than it breaks yours when he sees you sob, in the back of his mind somewhere its a voice shouting at him with disappointment, he promised you a life of giggles and smiles when he asked you out and here you are crying because you think you arent worthy enough to be dating him, worthy enough to be anything really.

- If you say sorry for being a trouble hes gonna get whiny and start cuddling into you more while refusing to let go

- Hes spoiling you to the bone after your crying session😡😡

- You wanna go shopping? Go ahead!! If it makes you feel better you can snatch his wallet and use it to your liking!!

- Wanna eat? Hes already dragging you to liuli pavilion

- His arm will be on your waist the entire time, bragging about you to practically every single one of his friends

- If it puts a smile soon your face after you cried that much he’ll do anything

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insecateur · 1 year ago

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Okay, I didn't want this to be in the main body of the art LOL but I wrote a whole lot of words about Pokémon X&Y's 10th anniversary. If you'd like to read them I'll put them under a read more. Whatever you decide to do, thank you for your support always 💗

Wow, can you believe it? It's been ten years.

I see people say these kinds of things a lot when it comes to milestones like this. It's been ten years… I feel so old… I can't believe it's been that long. It feels fake, it feels wrong. All of that.

I've felt like this with a few things, of course. Even a few games I liked in my teens or in my childhood. But I've always kept track of Pokémon X&Y's anniversary, so it's never felt like something that took me by surprise. Year after year, I knew Pokémon X&Y was getting older, just like me. The 3DS was slowly falling behind, then the e-shop closed, and now it's been announced that the online features will be deprecated, too. It's been ten years…

A lot can happen in ten years, you know?

Starting my transition journey has taught me to be kinder to my past self, I think. I'm more at peace with myself. I look at my face in the mirror and it's no longer a stranger staring back. I've found people who love and care for me for who I really am and want to be and not who I was trying to be for the sake of appearances. If I went back to ten years ago, do you think the twenty-year old kid I'd find there would believe that? I'm not sure he would.

In 2013, I was in a rough shape. I think I was in denial about it. I was still carrying wounds I didn't want to look at. I'd put bandages over them and tell myself I'd be okay. It worked, mostly. I was making new friends. I was rebuilding something that was closer to who I wanted to be. My life had been torn apart; it had only been two years. I thought I was stronger than that, that it didn't matter to me anymore, that I'd moved past it. I was wrong, obviously, but it would take way too many years for me to realize it.

Telling it like this now, I feel a bit embarrassed, like I'm making myself out to be worse than I was… I don't want you to picture some tragic mystical figure or anything… I was a kid who'd gotten out of a very bad situation and couldn't entangle everything that had come out of it as a result. I sought out support that I didn't get. I had reached a realization about who I was and nobody in my real life was ready to hear it, as far as I could tell. The world was a very scary place. Twenty-year olds feel so young to me now, but at the time I felt like such a loser for not having my life together. How silly…

I'd been a Pokémon fan since I was seven, back in 1999. I wrote a whole post about it for the 20th anniversary of Pokémon as a whole, but some of it kind of stings now, so I'll give a quick rundown. I got into the series first through the TCG, then the anime, then one of my childhood friends' copy of Pokémon Gold. For reasons I still ignore to this day, my parents wouldn't let me get a GameBoy and only relented when the GBA came out.

Pokémon became one of those things that were in and out of my life, always in the background. I was a fan, but most of my love for it came from how good it was as a sandbox for creative endeavors. I'd make OCs, roleplay with friends, invent stories that featured my own ideas and creations and rarely left any room for existing characters to be involved. I had other series where I cared about the characters a whole lot, like Final Fantasy or The Legend of Zelda or Ace Attorney or even TV shows like House MD or Prison Break, but Pokémon was all about the setting and the creatures, and not much else.

I had a short-lived passion for Eusine in HGSS, and then I had a very bad time playing BW that put me off the games for a little bit. I told myself I'd outgrown it, after all, these things happened, and tried to move on. When the XY games were announced, I was wary, unwilling to pour emotional investment into something that could very well further stain my good memories of a childhood favorite. (I'm being a bit dramatic here, but I was 100% in that mindset back then, unfortunately.) That the games turned out to take place in Pokémon France only made it seem even more as if they were mocking me. I was so needlessly sarcastic and negative about it. (I was twenty, so I'm practicing self-forgiveness, but damn, boy, chill out!!!)

What was it that ended up grabbing me, in the end? I think it was a combination of things. Something about Pokémon X&Y, its characters, its story, its setting, reached me deeper than I expected. I think some of it was timing, some of it was themes, and some of it was the overall vibe at the time. Everyone was playing and discovering the games together; it was the first time main series games were coming out worldwide at the same time. To this day, this is one of the most important aspects of Pokémon X&Y, to me. That feeling of playing it with others even through kilometers and kilometers. Those early fandom memories, especially those spent alongside Japanese fans, are some I still cherish to this day.

I still think the catalyst was beating Team Flare though. Something went on that day. I wouldn't even be able to tell you what. I still remember where I was; I almost remember exactly where I was standing. I beat Team Flare and stopped playing for a week and just marinated in that feeling. For a week.

That's how they get you!! That's how the brainrot set in!!

Anyway… I'm not going to go over everything that happened after that year by year; this isn't an autobiography. It's just a silly post about a game that changed my life. The fact that I got my name change confirmation today of all days feels so pointed, though. Perhaps it's even making me a little emotional.

All throughout this year, I agonized about how I could make something that would perfectly encapsulate all that Pokémon X&Y has given me. It's the ten years anniversary! It's a big milestone! Wouldn't I be betraying my love for the game if I couldn't pull off something incredible? I had many ideas, that all fell to the wayside when I realized how exhausted I was. Which was the answer to my problem all along, I think.

Because the reason I'm exhausted is that I'm making a lot of big changes in my life.

I've met people I love and want to be a better person with. And I've met them through Pokémon X&Y, too! Isn't that a celebration in itself? Building a better future together… That's what Pokémon X&Y was all about, wasn't it? I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I'm making my own beautiful world, right now.

…AND ALSO MY NAME IS LEGALLY SAMUEL LYSANDRE NOW SO THERE'S THAT.

If you read all of this, I hope you have a good day. I'm having a good day right now. That's already a lot! That's already something to be thankful for! Let's keep at it! One day at a time!

🔥🧡 joyeux anniversaire pokémon x&y!!! 🧡🔥

#samtxt #i'm fighting off the urge to say something about not caring about being cringe etc etc here bc that's already kind of being scared of it.#there's something else i'm planning on posting later btw! it's technically ready rn but i like posting things one at a time #(and it'll give me some time to polish it a little more)#thank you!!

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chaos-monkeyy · 2 years ago

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I am also a smut writer but lately I've been really down. I have gotten some comments, just people saying I must constantly have a dirty mind or that they could never think like that or write like that, or they imply that some of the kinks I've written are gross. Others have said I've given myself a reputation now. I don't want a reputation, I just want to be me. I think they are meant to be jokes but it's hurtful. I was wondering if you ever experienced the same thing and how you handled it. Thanks

Hi Anon, sorry for taking a little while to answer 💙 I've been quietly mulling this over in the back of my mind since you sent it, trying to think of something actually useful to say.

First off, I'm sorry the shitheads have got you down. I've been pretty lucky avoiding that nonsense for the most part, but I do know how fucking awful it feels to deal with that sort of thing.

One way I've found to handle it is to be... well, a little arrogant about it all. Yeah, I can write stuff or think things that a lot of other people "never could" because that's.. like... literally what a good writer's job is. (and anyone who thinks we're only capable of writing fictional things we actually want to see or happen for real is a fucking dipshit. but I digress.) Anyway, just because someone meant something like that negatively, doesn't mean they're actually right about it being a bad thing.

I also know for a fact some people think some of my kinks are gross, and.. I mean, that in itself is fair. I think a lot of other people's kinks are gross. One person's kink, another's squick, etc. The difference between being an asshole or not is whether they feel the need to tell you, when they could instead have just... Not... Interacted..... And the assholes can fuck right off. I know it still sucks at the time, and it's hard not to feel down about it, but they're seriously just not worth your time and energy.

As far as the reputation and the unfunny "jokes" go, I don't really have any good way to deal. People like to shove other people in boxes and label them and ignore what the actual person wants, and it's frustrating as hell. Depending how well you know and trust the people making those jokes and comments, it might work to just tell them it hurts to be kind of.. reduced and two-dimensioned like that. You are allowed to be you, and who "you" are in fandom spaces and as a writer is allowed to change over time, too.

I did find that it made a difference when I stopped and took a look at the side of my reputation I'd built for myself. Because for a long time I was the first one to go "oh ha ha I only write filth I can't do *real* story", so that was.. how other people saw me too.

So I did my damnedest to stop doing that, because fuck that.

Fuck the self-deprecating bullshit we're expected to do, as fandom creators generally and as smut and kink writers specifically.

PWP and filth for its own sake IS still a story and it IS still creative and imaginative. You put work into that. Writing smut and kink is not easy to do well. Be proud of what you write, whatever it is. Yeah, it's not gonna be for everyone, and that's how it should be. The world would be a boring fucking place if we all liked the exact same things, and anyone who's a dick to you because the stuff you write isn't perfectly suited to them?

Fuck 'em, they don't deserve your fic.

#writing #chaos answers #anon #i hope this helps a little #💙💙💙

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thecrowslullaby · 2 years ago

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Intrulogical with 48, J, 12

Not proofread, but I wanna nap xd

Anon im so sorry I just realised u responded to the wrong ask. OTL

Ship: intulogical

Wordcount: 1230

Warnings: kissing, a few self deprecating thought (Remus)

“I can’t believe you dragged me into this.” Remus grinned as Logan kept running, pulling the shorter man behind him. The man made no indication at having heard him but Remus knew his boyfriend. And the way his ears were tinted red told the hufflepuff the man definitely heard him and was fighting with himself not to respond. Not that that was going to stop Remus from lovingly pestering the ravenclaw. “You know, usually I’m the one who gets us into trouble.”

“Can we try to focus, Remus?” Logan hissed, embarrassment seeping through, and oh if that wasn’t just adorable. Remus could grab him by the shoulders, pin him to the wall and kiss restlessly right here and there. And he would, if it weren’t for the professors hot on their tails. And if there was one thing Logan enjoyed less than messing up it was being caught doing so.

“Why don’t you just blame it on me?” Remus asked. The teachers were certainly more than happy to accept him as the sole cause for setting a few cursed toads loose in the corridors. He was an oddity from the beginning. A hufflepuff and a delinquent at once. Certainly not something most professors wanted on the school records. At least Headmaster Janus (and it was disrespectful to call him by his name, Logan’s voice echoed in his mind) was fond of him. He was certain that if that wasn’t the case he would be thrown out onto his ass long ago.

Point was, most students and staff were easy to write Remus off as nothing more than unnecessary trouble, but not Logan. At least not anymore, if the bewildered glance over his shoulder was anything to judge by.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Not that it really mattered, most of the time. That’s why Remus kept insisting Logan shouldn’t announce their relationship to his friends just yet. He was sure he would wise up eventually. And there was no need to put Logan’s future at stake, especially not as the end of the 7th year approached and the teen was applying to jobs like a madman. He would be content with a few fleeting kisses Logan managed to spare over the first half of the semester, spending most of his time with his nose in some kind of obscure book.

Remus on the other hand had spent the time causing as much mischief as he could while still getting away with it. He promised Logan he would try. And for some reason that promise seemed more binding than anything he ever told his parents. Or Janus. Not that the professor needed to know. (Although Remus had a rising suspicion he did. Janus seemed to know an annoying number of things.)

But for some reason today seemed different, and Remus found himself being the one to help Logan out of trouble for once.

“So what do we do?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know.” Logan huffed as he pulled them behind another corner. “That’s why I need your help.”

“You’re the smart one.”

“You’re the more creative one.” Logan pointed out as if that was true. Sure, Remus was always quick to come up with some kind of trouble, but he certainly wasn’t all that good at fixing them. He was good at hiding them though.

He yanked Logan backwards. The taller teen gave a small yelp of surprise as he landed in Remus arms. The Hufflepuff was quick to drag them both into a nearby alcove, pulling slightly on the curtains, just enough to hide them from passing teachers, but not enough to raise suspicion.

“Quiet.” He whispered as he put a hand over Logan’s mouth, pressing the teen as close against his chest as he could. “They might hear us.” Logan seemed to be dazzled for a moment before he nodded slowly and Remus grinned back.

They watched as the teachers passed by in a flurry of robes, missing the obvious hiding spot.

He didn’t let go of Logan, not until the footsteps faded and all Remus could hear was two quickened breaths of students who barely avoided detention. Even then, he lingered, just a second longer before releasing Logan from the albeit compromising hug. Logan didn’t step away and Remus was once again tempted to wrap his hands back around him. Plead Logan to stay a little longer. But one thing Remus was not, was selfish.

“Thank you.” Logan whispers. His back still pressed against Remus chest as he tried to turn his head at a weird angle to stare back at him.

“You would have done the same.”

Logan chuckled.

“Not sure I can think so fast.” The teen finally stepped away and it took all of Remus' restraint not to chase the warm feeling of Logan’s back. The ravenclaw turned around, a smile creeping up on his face as he took Remus' hands in his own. He seemed to hesitate for just a moment before casting a glance behind the curtain, most likely making sure the teachers weren’t coming back, and letting go of Remus' hands in order to cup his face instead. “I love you.” He whispered, so sincerely Remus had trouble convincing himself not to let his heart flutter. He didn’t succeed, not when Logan leaned in, ever so slightly, their lips just inches apart. “May I kiss you?”

“Yes please.” He wasn’t sure why Logan still asked. Not like he ever said no before. But he supposed that was just another part of Logan. The teen never stopped asking questions, wanting answers for them all. It was a funny feeling. Being something Logan wanted to know more about.

Oblivious to his inner turmoil Logan leaned in, capturing Remus lips with his own. The hufflepuff melted as he felt Logan’s hand slowly travel up his cheek, to the back of his head, only for the ravenclaw to finally tangle his curls with his long slender fingers. Remus wasted no time to return the favor. Messing up Logan’s hair as he pulled the teen closer. The ravenclaw let out a small sound that was a mix of a laugh and a yelp and oh, Remus could just swallow him whole.

And after what felt like far too soon Logan pulled back. Hair messed up, morning light hitting it just right to cast a halo. Face delightfully red. His tie far too crooked, even for Remus’ standards, and the teen wanted nothing more than to grab Logan by it and pull him closer.

But the ravenclaw didn’t let him, stepping away as he did his best to comb the mop of tangled back hair into order using his fingers. Adjusting his tie, before flashing Remus a grin that was far too endearing.

“I need to go.” He whispered, trying to keep his voice serious, and failing miserably as Remus grinned up. “I should go check what the commotion is about.”

“You go help the teacher chase that delinquent who’s responsible for this.” Remus snorted. “I’ll be here in case you need someone to blame it on.”

“I won’t.” Logan said, leaning in to give Remus a quick peck on the cheek. “Don’t get into trouble.”

“I could say the same to you.”

Logan huffed, his cheeks going red.

“It was one time.”

And with how delightful it turned out to be, Remus sure hoped it wasn’t the last.

#intrulogical #ts remus #ts logan #cawtent #ts sides

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tillidontneedfantasy · 4 years ago

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A Track-by-Track Breakdown of Taylor Swift’s 9th Studio Album: ‘evermore’

“My collaborators and I are proud to announce that my 9th studio album and folklore’s sister record is here. It’s called evermore,” is how Taylor Swift introduces us to this album in its foreword. One might assume a “sister record” would entail b-sides, or tracks that didn’t quite make the cut for folklore, despite Taylor’s explanation that “we just couldn’t stop writing songs.” evermore’s release came at a strange time, upon the heels of the Folklore: Long Pond Studio Sessions film on Disney+, as well as 5 Grammy nominations for folklore. The world still captivated by folklore, it’s understandable why one might not consume evermore as critically. Even as a die-hard fan, I felt some whiplash by this announcement; I am still processing folklore! Hell, I’m still processing reputation!

If this was the Taylor from two years ago, this may have been a big enough fear of hers to hold off on releasing evermore. But as she explained upon folklore’s surprise release, life is too unpredictable now, and there are zero givens or guarantees. So she followed the same path this time (although making sure it fell in line with her birthday weekend). But it’s not just the strategic timing of the release that she’s thrown out the window for now, but also her mindset whilst making records. As she explains in the evermore album foreword,

“I’ve never done this before. In the past I’ve always treated albums as one-off eras and moved onto planning the next one as soon as an album was released. There was something different with folklore. In making it, I felt less like I was departing and more like I was returning. I loved the escapism I found in these imaginary/not imaginary tales. I loved the ways you welcomed the dreamscapes and tragedies and epic tales of love lost and found. So I just kept writing them.”

This is a revelation for Swift, to let the music lead her into artistic freedom, which is what makes evermore such a triumphant return. Truly folklore’s sister record, Taylor wrote evermore with the same creative team: Aaron Dessner of The National (Swift’s favorite band), long-time pal and collaborator Jack Antonoff, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, and William Bowery aka Swift’s boyfriend, Joe Alwyn (as officially revealed in the Long Pond Studio Sessions). Additionally, former 1989 tour openers and close friends of Taylor, the HAIM sisters, join the crew, along with Marcus Mumford for some dreamy backup vocals.

The production is just as wistful and mesmerizing as it was on folklore, yet the storytelling on evermore is kicked up a notch, expanding on the topics and worldbuilding established in its sister record, with even sharper lyrics and an effective and elaborate use of alliteration. The best thing about Taylor is that no matter what she does, her masterful lyricism is always at the heart of her art, and somehow, she keeps getting better. Once again, I wanted to explore the rich stories she’s crafted in this woodsy universe. This is how I’ve interpreted the album, but I hope you find your own meaning in the songs as well.

1. willow It is fitting that the opening track to folklore’s sister album, where we wade further into the forest that is Taylor Swift’s imagination and storytelling, would center on the type of tree that is a symbol of hope, belonging, safety, stability, and healing. “willow,” one of the few more obviously autobiographical tracks on the album, is a hymn of gratitude for her man (as she wants you to know, yes, thirteen times), Joe Alwyn, and how the invisible string tethering them together pulled her to him in a time when everyone else was counting her out. Though not as present on many of the other songs later to come on this record, you can feel the lightness in her heart on this song as she embraces the way in which the willow has bent, wrecking her plans, throwing her into the water and leaving her happily lost and afloat in his current. The downward key modulation throughout the last two repetitions of the chorus is beautiful and very fitting for Swift vocally, but also sounds like the feeling of finding your comfort and settling into it, basking it in while you wait for the next place the wind pulls you. Best lyric: “Now this is an open/shut case / I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face / Every bait and switch was a work of art.”

2. champagne problems On the second track of the album, Taylor dives back into the fictional worldbuilding she began to explore on folklore. While on folklore high school relationships and dramatics took center-stage, evermore graduates from adolescence to young adulthood, not that it is any easier emotionally on the listener’s heart. “champagne problems” chronicles a rejected marriage proposal between two college sweethearts at their old dorm building. Taylor sings as the narrator, a reflective, self-deprecating young woman who jokes about belonging in a madhouse and dismisses all her turmoil as champagne problems. The term ‘champagne problems’ itself could have various meanings here: their trivial concerns, the fact that their “sister splashed out on the bottle” of champagne that they will not be using to celebrate as they had hoped, or perhaps it could even hint that excessive drinking is a piece of all the ways the narrator is “fucked in the head,” as they said. Although the person she is singing to is the one who got hurt in the story, the hurt in the narrator’s heart is just as palpable and relatable, because you only have yourself to blame when you self-destruct. Best lyric: “’She would’ve made such a lovely bride, / what a shame she’s fucked in the head,’ they said / but you’ll find the real thing instead / she’ll patch up your tapestry that I shred.”

3. gold rush On her YouTube live chat prior to the album’s release, Taylor explained that this song “takes place inside a single daydream where you get lost in thought for a minute and then snap out of it.” The daydream consists of a love story so pure that the town had never seen such a thing; it could only happen in a fantasy for the narrator. How could she possibly have the gall to call them out on their contrarian shit, or end up with her Eagles t-shirt hanging from their door, when they are so coveted by all, and when she cannot withstand the thought of even competing? She sings, “My mind turns your life into folklore / I can’t dare to dream about you anymore,” a sweet little connecting piece to this album’s older sister, effectively convincing herself out of the idea of jumping into the chaos of the gold rush because even inside her own imagination it’s too dangerous. Best lyric: “I don’t like that falling feels like flying ‘till the bone crush.”

4. ‘tis the damn season According to Aaron Dessner, Taylor had written the lyrics for “’tis the damn season” in the middle of the night amidst their Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions recording after a long night of chatting and drinking with their co-conspirator, Jack Antonoff. The lyrics perfectly encapsulate the guttural ache the track evokes. It is a tale of two people who always find their way back to one another in their hometown, which acts as the ever-returning fork in the road. The path taken, back to L.A. in pursuit of her dreams, is the one she chose and continues to choose, but whenever she returns home, she takes a ride down the road not taken, just to get a taste of what could have been, even if just for the weekend. What starts off as an icy homecoming always transforms into the warmest intimacy. The success of this track is aligned with the success of Taylor’s entire career; even with such specific details, it feels so deeply personal to the listener. You know the street you’d drive along late at night laughing, the spot you’d park the car, the person who stars in every what-if. You will never really know if the road not taken is as good as it seems, but that might be ok; sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality, anyway. Best lyric: “It’s the kind of cold / fogs up windshield glass, but I felt it when I passed you / There’s an ache in you / put there by the ache in me.”

5. tolerate it Inspired by the novel Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier, “tolerate it” is an agonizing track from the perspective of a devoted wife who polishes plates and paints portraits and waits by the door for her husband with a battle hero’s welcome, who at best tolerates all her adoration. There are few things as painful as idolization being met with indifference, when you have all this love to give to someone who just leaves it there untouched. “tolerate it” captures that desperation for the approval you know will never arrive, but you sit and watch, waiting for it just in case you’re wrong, but you know you’re not. Best lyric: “I made you my temple, my mural, my sky / now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life / drawing hearts in the byline”

6. no body, no crime feat. HAIM “no body, no crime,” the one evermore song solo-written by Taylor, has the clearest plot from beginning to end. In the same vein as the female powerhouse country classic “Goodbye Earl” by The Chicks, Taylor is out for blood to avenge her friend, Este (named for one of the HAIM sisters). The story goes as such: Este’s husband kills her for calling him out on his infidelity, and then Taylor kills the husband and frames his mistress. The HAIM girls, who are long-time friends of Taylor’s and former touring mates, lend their vocals to reinforce the accusation on the husband and to provide Taylor’s alibi. “no body, no crime” is so far the closest we’ve gotten to a return to “country Taylor,” proving that she is still the master of a killer country tune (yes, pun intended, it had to be done I’m sorry). Best lyric: “Good thing Este’s sister’s gonna swear she was with me / (she was with me, dude) / Good thing his mistress took out a big life insurance policy”

7. happiness Written a week before the album’s release, “happiness” is one of Swift’s strongest and most reflective breakup songs. Although she writes it as though it is recent, there’s a lot of power in knowing that she’s been happily in love for four years, and that she is even better now at doing the thing that has always been best at. She is finally “above the trees,” as she sings, and is able to see it all for what it is, but her character is still in the heat of it all, trying to navigate the stages of grief when a relationship ends. We see the narrator grapple with many of those stages throughout the song. Most striking is the anger displayed in the second verse when she sings: “I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you / No, I didn’t mean that, / sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury.” That section is jarring and feels like one of the most honest moments in a Taylor song, the insanely difficult emotional balancing act when we are grieving a relationship. The devastation of loss can distort our perception, and a part of that is the difficulty of understanding how multiple seemingly opposing things can co-exist in our hearts, such as happiness because of someone and happiness after them. But when you leave it all behind and finally find your place above the trees, you can find happiness after someone and also look back and appreciate the happiness they once provided. Both of these things can be true. Best lyric: “Showed you all of my hiding spots / I was dancing when the music stopped.”

8. dorothea Taylor Swift has the uncanny ability to create such developed and well-rounded characters with such little information, which is what makes her storytelling so compelling. In “dorothea,” we learn much about the title character through the narrator’s eyes, and the relationship they once had. The lyric “skipping the prom just to piss off your mom and her pageant schemes” alone tells an entire story in itself. “dorothea” is also the companion song to “’tis the damn season,” just from the other person’s perspective, which helps shine even more light on the story. The narrator of “dorothea” reveres her but wonders if she’s still the same soul in L.A. as she was back in their never-changing town. Whatever the answer, they’re still willing to support her no matter where she is, but she’s always welcome back in Tupelo by her hometown love’s side if she ever just wants to be herself rather than someone known for who they know. Besides, they’re the only soul who can tell which smiles she’s faking. And you can always return to the road not taken. Best lyric: “They all wanna be ya / but are you still the same soul I met under the bleachers? / Well, I guess I’ll never know / and you’ll go on with the show.”

9. coney island feat. The National What really started the folklore / evermore journey was Taylor’s love for The National. Taylor has cited them as one of her favorite bands for many years, and as we know, this led to her beautiful new collaborative relationship with Aaron Dessner. So it would make sense for the track written with the intention of this duet to be so well executed; you can feel the love and care Taylor put into writing this song. In her press for these sister albums, she has spoken about trying to channel frontman Matt Berninger’s writing style. But what actually happened was she just produced her own signature lyricism at its sharpest. “We were like the mall before the internet, it was the one place to be / the mischief, the gift-wrapped suburban dreams / sorry for not winning you an arcade ring over and over,” is a hall of famer Swift-ian lyric. “coney island” explores the confusion, hurt, and self-reflection when a passionate affair burns out fast because you did not prioritize that person. And to top it off, Swift and Berninger’s harmonies are achingly beautiful, transporting you right there in the story, on the bench, wondering, over and over. Best lyric: “Do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? / Will you forgive my soul when you’re too wise to trust me and too old to care?”

10. ivy Leave it to Taylor Swift to make a song about an affair sound so romantic, and so sympathetic to the narrator, that you’re rooting for adultery. “ivy” tells the tale of a woman in a lifeless marriage, likening her home with him to the tombstone that the widow in town visits each day. I like to think this is the same wife whose husband was out there building other worlds without her in “tolerate it,” because then that means she found someone who celebrates her love, who holds her pain for her, who blooms all over her; they started it, but she’s fighting for it all the way to the end, nonetheless. “ivy” showcases Swift’s gorgeous vocals and her sharp lyrics, with a melody so infectious it is bound to permanently plant its roots in your dreamland. Best lyric: “Oh, I can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland / my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you.”

11. cowboy like me With the beautifully blended backing vocals of Marcus Mumford, “cowboy like me” is an entrancing love story of two con artists who lost at their own game and got conned into forever with each other. She’d gone from swindling old men for their money and fancy cars to falling victim to the danger of dancing with someone who only has eyes full of stars, and she knows she’ll pay for it. “cowboy like me” is one of the most romantic tracks on the record, proving that life never plays out quite as we plan. Best lyric: “Now you hang from my lips like the gardens of Babylon / with your boots beneath my bed / Forever is the sweetest con.”

12. long story short One of the more pop-sounding tracks on evermore, “long story short” is pretty much a summary of the long story behind reputation (2017). The song is filled with various metaphors for her reputation crumbling around her, and then finally putting her defenses down to be with her lover, someone as “rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky.” It is a sweet ode to her boyfriend, and a gentle comfort to her past self that it will all work out. But it is also an oddly relatable example of how we shrug off our struggles and minimize them to just a “bad time,” when the time she is singing about was obviously something that deeply affected her (as will be further explored in the title track); but sometimes it actually feels good to just shrug it off as just a blip in your life, because at the end of the day, you survived, and that’s what counts- even if you’re not keeping score anymore. Best lyric: “Pushed from the precipice / clung to the nearest lips / long story short, it was the wrong guy. / Now I’m all about you.”

13. marjorie Whereas track 13 on folklore was a tribute to Swift’s paternal grandfather, evermore’s track 13 is a tribute to her maternal grandmother, Marjorie Finlay, who was an opera singer in the 50s, and passed away in 2003 when Taylor was 13 years old. “marjorie” is quite possibly the most touching track Taylor has ever written thus far in her career. Grief is one of the most difficult topics to tackle in a song; the genius of “marjorie” is that it is simple, yet not understated. Swift reflects on the profound lessons she learned from her grandmother, about the difficult balances of kindness and cleverness, and politeness and power. She curses herself for not cherishing the moments she had with her, for complaining rather than understanding in the moment how admirable her spirit was, for all the amber skies she’d love but will never see. The chorus, blunt and hard-hitting, reminds us that someone does not have to be living to be alive, to be all around, to be with us. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were singing to me now,” Taylor sings towards the end of the song, right before you hear a sample of Finlay’s opera singing in the background, a truly eye-swelling moment. It is clear that Finlay played a pivotal role in Swift’s own ambitions, as she sings, “all your closets of backlogged dreams, and how you left them all to me.” Marjorie knew she was leaving them in good hands. If you haven’t yet, check out the moving lyric video for the song, where you can see photos and video clips of Marjorie, both throughout her career and in her time with Taylor. Best lyric: “Never be so polite you forget your power, / never wield such power you forget to be polite.”

14. closure On the most experimental track musically on the record, Taylor writes off her need for closure from a relationship of some sort, whether it be romantic or platonic or business, all of which can cause hurt of equal intensity. The subject of the song is trying to make nice with Taylor, and she is just not having it, as it is not coming from a genuine place, but rather to ensure that their life remains picture perfect, or to clear their guilty conscience, or to preserve their own ego. This is a deeply relatable sentiment; as valuable as forgiveness can be, sometimes the person who hurt you just doesn’t deserve it, and all you can do is forgive yourself for blocking their number or shredding their letters. Best lyric: “I know I’m just a wrinkle in your new life / staying friends would iron it out so nice.”

15. evermore feat. Bon Iver To close out the standard edition of the album, Taylor joins forces once again with Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, with whom she collaborated on the Grammy-nominated duet, “exile” for folklore. However, Swift leads most of the track this time, lamenting the difficult time she went through in 2016. The piano and Swift’s vocals are haunting, particularly when she describes this time in her life as “catching my death,” consumed by a pain that she feels will never end. If you’ve ever been depressed, you know what that feels like, and the dark places it leads you. Although she is singing about a time four years prior, it sounds so present, and it is heartbreaking to hear her in such a state. When Bon Iver comes in, the tempo of the song picks up, the piano riff becomes more erratic, like a winter storm hitting you in the face, and he voices all the anxieties of the cost of such a downfall. But through those anxieties, Taylor finds not a cure, but an anchor in love, and then the tempo slows back down. By the end of the song, Taylor has the foresight to understand that although it may not feel like it now, the pain she is experiencing is not permanent (a sentiment my therapist has been trying to instill in me for years). In her Apple Music interview with Zane Lowe, Taylor explained how the lyrics parallel the times we are in currently, and so it feels really special to have the album end with someone who knows how it feels to be imprisoned by your pain gently comfort us with the wisdom that “this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.” I hope one day soon, as we leave 2020 far behind, we can all truly believe her. Best lyric: “I was catching my breath / barefoot in the wildest winter catching my death.”

16. right where you left me (bonus track) The first bonus track on evermore, “right where you left me,” captures a moment so earth-crushing, a piece of you is trapped in it forever. In this song specifically, the narrator finds herself stuck in the same corner of a restaurant where she was told by someone she loved that they had met someone else. “Glass shattered on the white cloth, everybody moved on,” she sings in mourning. We have all experienced those moments that we could teleport back to if we just closed our eyes; the scenery, what you wore, the smell and taste of the season, the very point in your body where it felt like your insides were collapsing. Or that one particular person, who is long-gone from your life but seeing them is like time-travelling back to that person you once were, ready to pick up where you left off. But as much as you want to stay in that moment forever, just in case it changes in your favor, the cold reality is that the world stops for no one. Best lyric: “If our love died young, I can’t bear witness / And it’s been so long, but if you ever think you got it wrong / I’m right where you left me.”

17. it’s time to go (bonus track) “right where you left me” was Taylor’s cry for help to get out of restaurant, and “it’s time to go” is the answer to the call, as she sings in the first line, “when the dinner gets cold, and the chatter gets old / you ask for the tab.” This song is about gathering the strength to leave situations and relationships behind that no longer serve you. She grieves the betrayal of someone she thought to be a twin from her dreams (almost definitely referring to former friend, Karlie Kloss), acknowledges that keeping a marriage together for the sake of the kids often actually has the opposite intended effect (possibly- but not certainly- something she and her brother experienced), and recounts attempting to bargain with someone consumed by greed, only able to leave with herself (absolutely referring to the end of her fifteen-year long business relationship with Scott Borchetta, her former record-label owner). But as painful as leaving all of those situations was, Taylor has gained the wisdom to understand that walking away sometimes takes as much strength as persevering. You can’t stay at the restaurant, or at the mercy of someone else forever; you have to forge your own path, even if it’s in the opposite direction of what you envisioned for so long. And even with all her past success behind her, as folklore and evermore have proved, there is so much more ahead of her. Best lyric: “That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul / You know when it’s time to go.”

In a time where we are all trapped in our homes and in our heads, the folklore/evermore experience has been the sweetest escape. If anything, the creation of these wonderful sister records has taught me that our most powerful tool in times of distress is our own imagination. Even just the ability to close my eyes while listening to one of these tracks and feel the character’s story is a gift. The way I’ve always been able to pick up Harry Potter and escape to Hogwarts when I’ve felt alone and friendless, I can listen to folklore and evermore when I feel scared or hopeless and escape into this enchanted forest Taylor has built, where I can climb above the trees and see it all for what it is. I feel so lucky to watch Taylor’s imaginative world unravel around me. I can’t wait to see what she creates next.

DISCLAIMER – REVIEWER’S BIAS: I would literally die for this bitch.

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