#good old hometown
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Listening to music on Youtube Obscure Problem 947 like: "Just because I put on TENDER SUGAR doesn't mean I want you to autoplay into a "SILENT AND CHILL" playlist of the NARCOLEPTIC ASS DEPRESSION FEST THAT IS THE INCIDENTAL MUSIC. I love the Silent Hill OSTs but I'M WORKING NOT LAMENTING IN A RUSTING BATHTUB FOR 6 HOURS"
How many times have we been through this, old man. I tell you not to play these mixes, and you manage to find 50 more. I'm begging you, good people. Stop making Silent and Chill compilations. You're too powerful already. I have to be in the Right Mood to listen to Not Tomorrow and you can't just do this to me while I'm trying to draw some cute shit with Lyra and her ménage.
#Someday I'm going to dust off an old copy of winamp and go oldschool with it again.#I curate the Jams here#the worst is when it autoplays into a “ten hour loop” of something and you're too in the zone to realize it until you've started going nuts#or you know#the ten million compilations of silent hill's beautiful but YEARNING FOR DEATH background music#I just want to rock out to Tender Sugar and Your Rain I don't want to cry right now!#also the ballad of harry mason is fine too#good old hometown#Personally I enjoy it when it autoplays from something like Devils Never Cry to Otome no Policy#because why not#Why not indeed
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I think some part of me will always be that kid walking out of a huge movie theater into a grey overcast afternoon not realizing her world was about to be permanently changed but feeling changed already herself by the animated Disney film she'd just seen that she would spend a year acting like she was too cool to be affected by, even though she'd never cried at a movie before that and and the cries from the speakers were still ringing in her ears on that cold, overcast afternoon, right before her world changed
#so I saw big hero 6 when it was first in theaters but not at my hometown theater bc we'd been visiting several hours away#and decided to see the showing at the movie theater in that bigger city while we were up there#it was the first movie I'd ever cried at and I pretended to be too cool for school even though I knew#even at 12 years old#that that movie had deeply affected me#i will not bring this anecdote back around to where you all probably assume it's going bc for once that isn't the point#the point is. it changed me and I think there's a part of me that is still in that wet chilly damp parking lot#walking out of the regal theater in fairbanks alaska#this is definitely inspired by Eden's batman 2020 post btw I just. some things stay with you or you leave a piece behind#and that can in many ways be good#Lu rambles
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#so my mom's wake thing was today and that was a lot. not in an emotional sense but in a im standing here talking for 3hrs#to ppl i dont kno or barely kno. ya kno? but it was good bc so many ppl showed up to talk abt her#so many people. my mom made a huge impact on the school system. so many ppl relied on her. she encouraged at least 2 ppl to get their#master. for one person to specilize in helping the dyslexic after her experience advocating for 3 dyslexic daughters. she wrote and was#awarded a 10000 dollar grant for special needs and intervention curriculum. which will affect so many lives.#everyone loved her. she's gonna get a track meet named after her and a scholarship created in her honor.#she was an amazing person and she affected a lot of lives and im glad she was my mom. and she raised at least one jem in my littlest#sister who is so sweet and is a great teacher. god but there was some weird stuff too. were pretty sure her old boss was in love with her.#and there were some weird comments abt her being a strong woman or this woman doing so much and its like hm y do i detect a note of sexism#y not say she was an amazing person? y the surprise? weird comments about how pretty i looked. which yes i looked great lol. my funeral fit#was cute. we did bright colors bc it was a celebration not a dower event. and im sure it was ment well but it was a lil weird. and then#everyone was telling my grandma what a great job she did raising my mom and like god fuck off she didn't do jack. my mom was great despite#her terrible mother. ugh. but altogether it was good that everyone was able to express their love for her. it was def a day that was for#them mostly. i mean partly for us but mostly for them. none of us even cried. ay but we have 2 more parties in her honor#bc everyone loved her so much we have to do one in her hometown too. plus a personal friends get together. ugh. im so tired#i wish i wasnt the most awkward. eye contact avoidant person in the room but like ya kno. what can ya do?#unrelated
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additionally i must inform you all the madness continues (going to One More concert)
#didnt even make a poll for it this time just went right ahead#however the good news is that the ticket was Way Less than the honest to god crazy amount i spent for the ticket for the show i just went to#and its also two months away. time to prepare and also make more money#this is for the one in brooklyn (yes this is for the same tour. what can i say) which is wild i havent been to brooklyn in years#my old hometown.......... i have no idea where the neighborhood of the concert is in relation to the neighborhood i grew up in though#as i have said before old man musicians are forever...... and thats very true#plus these shows have been great so yeah why not. im having lots of fun w these little adventures
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travis matagot just -- the very concept of him unlocks something deep and feral in my brain, even aside from all the changeling stuff. an angel looked upon you once as a child and, after seeing every possible thread and pathway of the man you will grow into one day, said 'I see no sin here' even as its holy flames consumed your screaming parents and the town around you. that angel, having stumbled head over heels to earth after killing god, later deliberately loses their name to you in a card game so the eyes of heaven can't find them. you and the angel have proceeded to annoy the everloving FUCK out of each other for centuries because you just keep. bumping. into each other!!!! through the power of like Narrative and also simply being two of the only people who've even been around that long. you've kept their name for them this whole time and never breathed a word of it, even though they seemingly never even explained why they wanted to lose it in the first place. you've sworn to die together or not at all.
what if you met an eldritch horror as a child and then became their best (and most irritating) friend/life partner/frenemy/perpetual thorn in their side (affectionate). I'm obsessed with this idea of being divinely judged as unworthy of damnation so early in your life and having to have that in the back of your head forever even as your self-loathing and trauma start piling up over the centuries and you have done so many shitty things along the way. like. is he trying to prove them wrong. is that part of his whole thing about trying to escape the narrative. or is it to prove that 'no actually awful things happen to me because I'm awful, you got it wrong from the start (fuck you btw)' because at least that feels like a choice, like some kind of control to hold on to? what is going on here travis. what the fuck
#skyjacks#campaign skyjacks#travis matagot#gable skyjacks#trable#like mostly in a. narrative/thematic sense?? because both the bickering everyday dynamic and the uh Cosmic scale ones...#sets my head spinning honestly. what the hell#I'm catching up with this podcast and spoiler warning: it's still excellent#just how easily travis accepted that gable was the angel that destroyed his hometown (including his parents) is so funny and so sweet to me#he was just like 'eh. more than enough water under that bridge to wash that one clean tbh#I am also a huge albino turkey for this hugely emotional conversation btw'#and he's equally blasé about finding out gable like. caused the partial end of the world.#the only time he freaks the FUCk out is when he finds out they lied about having figured out how to die so he got to leave first#skyjacks spoilers#anyway listen to campaign skyjacks it is extremely good and travis actually is Like This all the time#he's a jaded depressed old man in the body of a trickster twink. one of the ideal character archetypes tbh
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Happy one-year anniversary to this! I can't believe there's still a month to go, but I am so excited to see bestie @wavesoutbeingtossed again after 11.5 (?!!!) years.
#how is it that we've known each other for twelve years wavesss 😭#I remember practicing ~tricks~ to see if I got into a good queue spot with other random UK nights (edinburgh comes to mind)#mistakes were made like. I originally meant to get N2 in June but kept trying to get better seats and got kicked out#(would've been so jealous about the shenanigans on n3 lbr. plus June was A Month so it was for the best)#and waves told me about a stockholm code post but I didn't get it wasn't really tied to your account then so I passed (this was before)#iirc waves and I practically had 2-3 convos going at the same time in different mediums lol#I love the insta story was hopeful about getting codes for my hometown… lol. yeah. nah. but I got to go! I'm nothing if not stubborn#anyway. I need to get my plane tix. So excited.#personal#tbd#tag novels are so old school tumblr of me I'm sorry
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finally coming to terms with the fact that if i want to make friends with people i have to actually initiate conversation first
#don’t get me wrong i have a good amount of friends that im very happy with but they’re all back in my hometown where i am NOT#and i really need/want friends in the city im Currently living in cause i wanna go out and do fun things with people like clubbing#or karaoke or going to the arcade etc etc etc#all things my hometown friends and my bestie who lives across the country Would do with me but unfortunately they are. NOT HERE#WAHHH WAHHHH#it’s okay i am going to. message my old coworker that i got along with really well if they want to go to emo nite with me…#i must face my social anxiety and fear of rejection head on!#and if they say no then i’ll like. kill myself i guess idk/jjjjjjjj#if they say no i’ll just go by myself and hope no one assaults me 😭#maybe i’ll make friends there 💔#into the microphone
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musicals that are fully and truly about normal people making normal mistakes living normal lives that for some reason resonate so hard that I can't stop thinking about them:
R&H Allegro (but specifically the reimagining that my college did that was so good I seriously considered taking a bootleg of it to watch over and over again)
Merrily We Roll Along
#i guess merrily is a little removed from normal life my nature of frank being super rich famous and successful#but allegro and merrily both hit me. idk. they're just people living messy lives#realizing they made a mistake....#in my head. gussie leaving frank is the kick in the ass he needs to go back to living for passion instead of success#idk if he could repair his friendship with mary and charley or if the other two would ever believe the change was real and sincere#but i think he'd work to become somebody who deserved his old friends......#much to think about.#merrily we roll along#also some fun details abt my school's allegro that was soooooooooo good:#there wasn't an orchestra just two pianos that were on stage and moved around as part of the set#two actors played them on stage it was soo cool#the actor who played joe was sooooooo good I couldn't believe it#especially bc he'd never had a lead before so I had no idea what he was capable of and then he made me cry every single night#the set was so cool and at the end there was a surprise set change where chunks of it flew off to reveal a train station#for when the three got back to joe's hometown
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from reorganising my bookcase this weekend - some of my favourite secondhand bookshop finds. publication dates range from 1947-1970
#I really can’t choose my favourite but the Rubaiyat and the Barret Browning covers are beautifully detailed#I also love the Ionesco cover. so funky!#I’m lucky that my hometown is a university town with unusually good secondhand bookshops#so a lot of old study materials end up there. hence why I’ve found a lot of French language literature in a non-capital Australian city lol#the most expensive of these was $8 by the way. love is stored in the secondhand bookstore#me#mine#another favourite is the copy of Le Petit Prince I have in French with the original illustrations IN COLOUR#how much was it? $2.50. my prized possession
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Also I can’t figure out if my life genuinely does suck or I’m just having an existential crisis because my period starts in approximately 48 hours
#it does make me worse ngl. i wish i could just yeet my uterus#i was just starting to think about how all my days are the same and it’s boring and i’m boring#and i never see anybody or meet new people or make new friends#working from home is all well and good until it makes you want to [redacted]#and you all can say ‘just leave your house!’ as much as you want but living in a small town and having no car is not really conducive#to getting myself out there#i mean my town literally has about a dozen businesses and half of them are sad pubs. the others are like hair salon; co-op; church; butcher#2 takeaways. and yeah there’s parks but all of them are kind of dire#maybe i could start getting the bus places. going somewhere else. idk#i have been thinking about taking a trip but wherever i go i still take myself and it’s like i’m in this state of permanent malaise#too nervous to talk to anyone and too impatient to linger anywhere or enjoy anything#everything i do i rush through so i can do something else#and i think amongst it all i’m just reckoning with the fact that i’m never going to be remarkable. i mean neither is anyone else really#but i always thought i’d write a novel or become a college professor or something but i’m not smart enough and i don’t have enough words#or ideas in me. not really. i’m not a creative i’m just an imitator. always have been#and i could live with being unremarkable because we all are in the cosmic universe but i still don’t think i can live with rotting#in my hometown. but then it’s like how do i get out?#i signed up for an online course just to vary things a bit. just to get some enrichment in my enclosure#it’s this slow realisation that i thought i Wanted to work at home. i thought i liked the peace of it. just me and the computer screen#but no i like to work outside and then come back to my home as my sanctuary. i have to leave it sometimes to really appreciate it#but no one wants to hire me for an intellectual job because i’m not actually that smart. and my body is too broken to work in hospitality#anymore. or is it. i mean for god’s sake i can run three times a week but i don’t trust myself to be able to stand for hours#i’m thinking about throwing myself on the mercy of my old boss like hey. i fucked up. do you have any shifts for me? i’ll do weekends#i just don’t want to lose my fucking mind#maybe i’ll text her tomorrow. the worst thing she can say is no#personal
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why do you need to earn money to go to the library? is your library not free??:(
unfortunately no it's not free to borrow books at libraries in my country. they have a book event coming up at my local library tho and that sort of thing is free so i plan to go there. and i can visit the library and study or whatever but borrowing is subscription only and unfortunately it's paid subscription only. I did see they have a new app you can download and borrow the first 3 books for free though so i could look into that
#actually had a job interview at my old library in my former hometowns two weeks ago but they wanted someone w teaching experience#and i hate teaching kids i get scared in front of crowds so that wasnt a good fit
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listening to call your mom rn (god it feels wrong spelling it like that)
gripping u by the shoulders. this song is everything to me.
#OKAY STORYTIME THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR:#do u guys remember that girl that was basically my bi-awakening and we had the very stereotypical#intense homoerotic friendship that traumatised the both of us? yeah her#well basically i still have a lot of love for her and we're still friends like she's in my hometown friend group so when i talk about them#i still mean her and out of our entire group she's the ONLY one who didn't go to uni and me and my other friend spoke recently#about how unhappy we know she is bc she got abandoned by us in this awful hometown and we dont think she loves her boyfriend#so much as she stays with him bc she literally has no one else until we come home her life is literally just waiting for us between terms#and i worry about her all the time and one thing that happened a while back was she did drugs w this one guy by the river#and she completely whitied like it was just weed but she was 17 and had never done it before and turns out she's like me#where edibles just do NOT agree with her on a good day let alone when she took as much as she did and she was with a random boy#by the fucking WIER (basically a big dangerous waterfall) and we were all at our mate's house that was a 40 min walk away#and she RANG ME. i was the one she rang. that still sticks with me. and omg it was so scary bc she was so out of it on the phone#and all i managed to get from her was that Something Was Wrong (didnt know what) and that we needed to pick her up#so we did. we got on bikes and fucking RACED to this girl and we picked her up and in the end she asked for her mum#and i was the one to take her to her mum and knock on the door and stand there with her daughter's arm around my shoulder#barely conscious her sick on my shoes and explain what happened. like WHAT#& yeah basically i still have so much love for that girl and i know she struggles with shit hence why that even happened in the first place#and it's like. im still here. i still love you. i'll call your mum. i'll come and get you. just ring me and i'll pick up. stay on the line.#so yeah this song did unimaginable damage the first time i heard it. literally gives me chills and transports me to my 17 year old self#we were young and didnt know what we were doing and the town was suffocating us#AND WE WERE BOTH DROWNING AND DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SAVE EACH OTHER BUT THERE WAS AN UNDERSTANDING THAT WE WERE DROWNING TOGETHER#ask#noah kahan
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No I'm good bro it's just that for what feels like a timeless eternity I've had a profound sadness in me far more vast than the wild lakes I've baptized myself in. Haha
#anyways heres Neon Moon by Brooks and Dunn. try not to think of formative lonely peaceful nights in your hometown!!!!!!¡!!! good luck!!!!#i was so sad at my core for so fucking long and now im not really or rather definitely not as much and i didn't even realize it#until i began to feel a strange emptiness that was only momentarily filled when i faced sad stuff. wild.#i miss the tranquility of it though. of being a little bit sad. really evens out moods and puts everything in perspective all the time#i would wander through the highways at night howling along with the radio and facing the darkness and finding all sorts of new little places#id be out under the sky lightly freckled with stars and the clouds and the moon and smell the night air on the cool winds#i would be driving and free and happy but also entirely alone.#not really feeling the loneliness as much as the loneliness was what kept me company.#it always rode shotgun and i could wrap and weave it around myself and through my fingers at any old time#served me well all i will say
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been working on some photo studies in the hopes that perfecting my rendering skills and the like will help me finish more pieces and idk if i suddenly got really good at painting faces or what but god i’m doing something right with this one study and i can only hope it means something good for my art
tbh most of the art i scrapped the last few years—which was mostly the 1d pieces i lost rip 😔—i scrapped because i didn’t like how i painted the faces so?? yeah i really hope. the tide is turning
#probably going to be doing some style studies before committing to a bunch of paintings btw#just to stay sharp + keep improving if i truly am on the up and up :o)#also on a separate note i will be gone next week for about 5 days!#my hometown bestie is getting married at the end of the year and we’re starting wedding prep and she wants me around for it#would u believe i am the maid of honor or whatever the nb equivalent of at that is…. like wrow#but yeah uhh that’s what’s going on with me rn? still mostly into tmnt trolls one piece#and just casually enjoying stuff! having a good time#but i would also like to make some pals online who share my current interests 👉👈#and chat w old moots more bc i’m still convinced everyone thinks i’m weird and annoying if i try to make conversation#alex talks
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Ah fuck i am romanticizing the shit out of a sword. I think I’m gonna ration my money for my next 4 paychecks so I can afford a sword and my tattoo (both in august lol) because not getting a sword at this point will be devastating. And yes I did just remember I’m getting a tattoo in august. Hell yeah
Oh edited to add since my birthday is in august maybe I can be like no gifts just money for sword. Because I’m a special little baby I still get gifts from my immediate family but this year? All sword. Let’s get this fucking bread (a sword)
#can’t wait to see my parents this weekend and be like oh btw I’m going to ren fair with my friend in august#and there is a 99.9% chance I’m walking out of there with a sword#(if ALL the swords are over 600 dollars or I don’t find one I like i won’t get a sword so I can save up or custom order one)#but like. mineru called the master sword the sword of hope (that is my girl name) and my stick at work is just like a long sword#and ever since I was a little 10 year old watching Merlin on DVDs mailed from Netflix I have wanted a sword and wanted to sword fight#I gotta get a sword. I would take such good care of it#and there’s a HEMA club in my hometown so when im at [redacted] I could do like actual classes and tournaments etc#and when im off on my farm idk I’ll figure something out.#but I haven’t loved sword fighting from afar for this long for me to not get a sword at some point.#I should get the master sword tattooed on me lol#diary post#ok it’s 9 I HAVE to go2 bed goodnight phone friends. tonight I’ll dream of glinting metal and the sound of blades swishing through the air
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just woke up its nearly 2am but i gotta listen to taylor swift to confirm something
#gotta wake up 4:30 am to do stuffs (take yearbook pictures with my class)#okay im oversharinf its time ive got antihero in my ears im going to pour some soul out#so my favorite car trips are ones my dad drives around taiwan as we visit places from taichung (hometown) to taipei#the car had a usb of music from his brother and all the songs were like some rock or old pop in chinese and i was like im 12 i dont like#this so i scoured through the contents of the usb and found oh! taylor awift i know her from shake it off let me see whats this#it was the entire 1989 album#and i was in the car my entire family tires rolling through urban and rural-esque areas i took off my glasses (i wanted to see with#my eyes fr like idk i wanted the authenticity of viewing the ‘home’ i never got to seefor the last decade) and im practically blind without#them optical lenses so the entire trip in my memory are changing colors#cool air (it was 25°C out) and taylor swift blasting through the car between the lulls that we’re all content to be in silence stead of#mindless chatting#plug in 1989 and its the most calm you’ll get me. specifically style (i see green trees and feel the breeze through the window’s palm-wide#gap) or all you had to do was stay and i see bubbles of lights floating through the front of the car and big blocks of indisternable#buildings and wide empty intersections parralel to the bursting sprawling walking streets#okay imma go to sleep#good night#thinkingaboutmusic
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