#gonzo says bark

[robfozdarling]

Silly muppet AU doodles

[descendantofthesparrow]

could i ask for some sort of Harry Hook x reader where she overworks herself and faints? if not thats okay! thanks

here you go! i actually really had fun with this and wrote it within two hours :D

Request-takes place during ‘Rise of the isle of the lost’

=

The waves of the isle shore crashed against the dock, making for an almost pleasant background noise as the crew of the lost Revenge worked tirelessly to get it in working order for its voyage to the isle of the doomed.

Repairing the hull, plugging holes, fixing sails, gathering rope, swabbing the deck-every crew member was hands on deck as they raced around to get it ready in time; which had to be within the day, before anyone else could have a chance to get the trident that rested at the bottom of the bay.

“Raise those sails, make sure tha’t anchor is connected, don’t ye dare let that sludge get on the deck!” Harry ordered the crew, his brow furrowed as he paced the deck-Uma was in the chip shop, unable to command her new crew, though she was far less knowledgeable about being a pirate captain, so Harry-the appointed first mate-was the best man for the job to make sure everything was in top shape.

He was already covered in sludge, a tar-like substance that acted like waterproof superglue-he’d already worked to plug holes and replace some of the hull’s boards but now he needed the crew to finish up the ship before the end of the day.

He turned as he heard a slight struggle from the gangway, seeing (y/n) Smee, one of his oldest friends-even older than Uma-carrying a shit ton of rope for the sails. Harry frowned, seeing how red in the face she was and how exhausted she looked. He looked at his pocket watch, and while he couldn’t exactly tell time-he knew the lass had been working for probably seven hours straight.

“Smee,” Harry barked out, beelining it to her, putting his hands on her back and shoulders as she continued to tug the huge ropes onto the ship. (y/n) panted, tilting her head to look up at him, sweat dripping down her brow as she breathed heavily, almost heaving.

“Harry,” she panted out and Harry frowned, taking the rope from her hands and easily slinging the heavy ropes over his shoulder. “I was doing that,” (y/n) huffed and Harry just ignored her, tossing the ropes by the main mast where they needed to be.

“ye need ta’ take a break,” Harry demanded, grabbing (y/n)’s wrist and beginning to drag her off the ship towards the chip shop.

“I’m-fine-“ (y/n) said, pulling her wrist out of his hand with more force than necessary, and she suddenly felt dizzy and swayed. “-Harry-“ she managed to say before the feeling of fainting took over and her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she fell backward, hitting the railing of the gangplank and she went overboard.

Harry instantly reacted, not wasting a second as he dove over the rails and into the water after (y/n). “Man overboard!” Bonnie yelled and Gonzo raced to the ladder hanging off the port side of the ship and unlatched it, the ladder unraveling and landing in the water for Harry to climb back up on.

Harry grabbed (y/n)’s unconscious form and tugged her close, pushing off a jagged rock next to him and swimming back up to the murky surface, shaking the water off his face as he broke the surface and swam to the ladder with (y/n) in his arms, still unconscious.

“she okay?” Drey asked as Harry climbed up the latter with one hand, (y/n) limp against his side.

“she will be, she fainted from overworkin’ ‘erself.” Harry said, handing (y/n) to Gil as he reached the top and climbed onto the deck. He shook his head again and took (y/n) back from Gil. “all of ye, take a break, before someone else faints.” He ordered and stormed off the ship to the chip shop.

-

(y/n) woke up less than 20 minutes later, blinking awake to the feeling of a cold cloth on her head and lying down on Uma’s bed in Uma’s room that was above the chip shop. She groaned a bit, feeling like she had a wicked headache, and sat up; the wet cloth falling to her lap as she rubbed her face.

“There ye are,” she looked to her left, seeing Harry entering the room with a cup of water, handing it to her. “what did I say ‘bout overworkin’ yer’self?” Harry asked, sitting at her feet, and giving her a stern look. (y/n) huffed, drinking the water.

“I didn’t want to seem lazy,” she muttered and Harry rolled his eyes, leaning over to flick her forehead and she yelped, flinching her eyes closed. “hey!”

“Yer not lazy, yer not useless, just because you can't keep up physically as the rest of the crew don’t mean yer any less useful, ye just have different uses. Besides, ye helped enough in tha’ morning, and I had told ye ta help Uma in the chip shop instead.” Harry said, flicking her forehead again and she smacked his hand away, making him smirk.

“You’re just trying to make me feel better,” (y/n) muttered and Harry rolled his eyes, no shit. He instead scooped her up and carried her back down to the chip shop, (y/n) hitting his back on the way down. “put me down! Harrison James hook!”

Harry just snickered and dropped her in one of the chairs at the long table near the kitchen, grabbing a tray and dropping in front of her. “eat, take a break, stay ‘ere with Uma, I’ll be back when the ships done.” Harry ordered, pointing his hook at her as he swaggered out the chip shop.

(y/n) huffed, pouting a bit as some of the patrons chuckled and then turned back to their meals as Uma came out from the kitchen with a mean glare to silence them. “When has not listenin’ to him ever turned out well for you?” Uma snorted as she passed by (y/n), leaving a seaweed smoothie as she did. (y/n) just rolled her eyes, grumpily taking her break.

-end-

[atti-rambles]

I've been thinking about a Muppets dungeon meshi au bc I have autism and I've been assigning roles

Miss Piggy would play Marcille bc let's be real it's her dream role to be a pretty blonde elf girl who kicks ass like she's not into the nerd shit but she can blow people up and that's good enough for her. Also she'd LOVE doing the ancient magic you know she would

Bc of this, Kermit would need to play Falin bc COME ON. I think the role would also suit Kermit pretty well even if he's not the main guy character for once. Like Kermit being a healer who beats people with a staff when necessary is very Kermit... Also chimera Kermit would be comedy gold... Frog... Chicken and dragon hybrid thing is so perfect

Chilchuck is the human actor bc it would be funniest, I wanna cast David Tennet. I am unoriginal with this BUT it is the funniest. If I had to choose a Muppet, it would be Pepe...

I think Laios would be Walter bc they both have autism and I think he would do great... Like imagine Walter barking at the shape shifter, that would be his acting peak frfr. Also Walter is already a nerdy guy so he would suit the role well. Plus he's rarely in muppets things and he's my favorite... Also omg Walter would be so HAPPY that he gets to be Kermit's brother in this role lmao

Senshi is... The most difficult one for me to assign. Bc you'd be like oh swedish chef right? Well no I don't think that'd be like a perfect fit, doesn't have very good potential with the later parts of the story... I kinda wanna say Fozzie Bear bc he would be a pretty good fit for Senshi's humor and his general vibes, but I'm not so sure?? He's the one character I'm like really huhh Senshi is just such a unique guy. Although Fozzie does have good range so I don't doubt him at all...

Izutsumi is Animal 👍 like yeah Animal just needs to act more teenage girl but he's got the spirit that Izutsumi has already... Also I think he'd have fun being able to basically do whatever and jump around and be loud

Kabru is Gonzo, I'm not saying more

[angelmichelangelo]

LEO AND MIKEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME you get it. you really get it. if you feel up to it i’d love if you had anything written about rise leo and mikey and their dynamic. i think about post-movie stuff so offen

LEO MIKEY TIME LEO MIKEY TIME :D enjoy!

x

In a very small fraction of a second, everything changes.

Not thirty milliseconds ago was Leo preparing himself to die. Gonzo. The Big Sleep. The very, lasting End of his life, when there’d been a crackle of hot electricity bursting through the air and so many pairs of hands bruising against skin to yank him back,

Home. The stink of the sewage reserve and overly polluted air that has the undertones of gasoline and smoke — he lands on his shell with a rattled thud, and is almost instantly scooped up by the larger sets of hands: Raph.

“Leo?” His face comes into full view as he cradles him, face taut with worry, each syllable of his name is said with a wobble of concern. “Leo, are you alright? Oh god, I thought we lost you.”

Leo blinks. The sky is no longer a rusty red, the taste of something metallic has since sunk down into his gut, rather than lingering and pooling in his mouth. He swallows, and everything hurts all at once, but he manages to knit himself a frown to match his inwardly confusion.

“Wha—”

Raph pulls him to his body with ease. His arms so gentle as they rest around his limp, aching body. He doesn’t hug back, only because he can’t find even a smidge of energy to do so.

“Mike got you home,” Raph says through happy tears. He can’t see them, not in the way his face was currently pressed tightly into the crook of his shoulder like he was never going to let go, but he knows all his brothers tells without a second glance. “Mikey portaled you home and—”

Something heavy hits the concrete. The sound of a chain spilling against the ground. There’s Donnie’s voice, clipped and short and surprised when he calls out,

“Problem! Problem!”

Raph untangles himself from Leo, a sharp breath snagged and tangled in his vocal cords, it comes out all strangled sounding. Leo forces his neck to move to the left, ever nerve ending firing off at once like a fireworks display, he does it because Raph launches himself upwards without hesitation.

“Michael? Michael!! No, no. C’mon!”

There’s that sudden, frightful urgency creeping back into his tone once again.

Leo can’t hold himself up any longer without Raph supporting him like he once was, so he slowly drifts back to the ground, staring at an unchanged sky whilst chaos continues to erupt around him.

“—get them home, now! Call dad on the way—” Donnie is barking orders fiercely and if Leo had even just a fraction of a smidge of that wonderful energy he was so very much missing right now, he might just tease him for it.

He hears the sound of his brother’s whimpering cry, far away sounding and pained, and Leo closes his eyes, not meaning to fall asleep.

But he does, anyway.

When he wakes up it’s no longer on the side of the dock bay where the air was salty and warm, but instead, in Donnie’s room. Where it definitely smelt worse, in his own humble opinion.

“Yeah, right.” A voice comes from the other side of the room. Leo gingerly lifts his head up, everything feeling so cumbersome and impossible. Donnie is perched in one of the beanbag chairs, flicking through a magazine he was barely skimming over with a quick darting of his eyes.

He pauses to look over towards his brother, expression softening for just a small moment.

“You were saying my room smelt. Something like saltwater and humble pie.” He sets the book down onto the end table. “You’re delirious with pain so I’ll let it slide.”

Leo hums, dropping his head back again, his eyes slowly pinching together, he tries to knit together some kind of coherent blanket of thoughts and memories as to what had happened.

“You passed back out on the way home.”

Donnie’s standing now beside the bedside, googles torn off from where they were usually perched on the come of his head, he’s lacking his usual bandana; a nebula of purple rings swallow up most of his eyes, both bruises from battle and no doubt the stress. He runs a hand tiredly down the entire length of his face and sighs.

“You broke a lot of bones,” he tells him straight. “Like a crazy amount of bones.”

His throat bobs. It’s serious then. “Luckily nothing… majorly important.” He deadpans him, eyebrows looming in low. “Like your neck, for example.”

Tinges of pain creep around his throat, like a ghostly whisper of his hurt that still lingers there. He’d try to reach up and touch it with his fingertips, but he’s assuming his arms were currently also out of commission with the rest of his body.

Plus, it’d look a little cliche, in his opinion.

“And,” Donnie adds pointedly, narrowing his eyes rather suspiciously. “There’s the whole self-sacrifice conversation that has been undoubtedly shelved for another time. If Angelo hadn’t portaled you out of there, Nardo, I don’t know wha–”

Leo finds all his strength at once to bolt upwards, eyes wide with a kind of panic that creeps across his chest with ice.

“Mikey,” he says with a breath. “Where is he, is he–”

Donnie shushes him with a flap of his hand, brows pinched together and mouth drawn in a stern, hard line.

“Quit moving about like that.” He moves towards him, more or less pushing him back down against the springy mattress. Seeing Leo’s concern however, does something to shift some of the hardness from his face, and he manages to pat Leo’s shoulder in a somewhat affectionate way.

“Raph and Dad are with him,” he tells him, drawing his chair up closer to the bed to sit beside his brother. “He’s alright. Pretty out of it.” His throat bobs, as if savoring all the words he perhaps didn’t want to say.

Eyes dart away and Donnie’s hands end up twisting together. Leo wishes nothing more than to reach across and grab them gently to still him, even for a moment. But the casts alongside the drugs that were swimming about in his system prevent his limbs from listening to a single command he wills them to doing.

“It was touch and go for the both of you,” Donnie finally explains, still failing to look at him at all. “What our dear friend Casey failed to mention was…” his throat bobs again, this time to swallow back the tears that brim his eyes. He fixes on a more sturdy expression when he looks to Leo. “Was that Mikey blew himself up when he opened up the portal last time. Or, er, rather, in the future, I guess.”

Leo blanches. “He what?”

Donnie nods. “Uh huh. Like, to dust.” A beat. “He’s lucky.” A ghost of a smile breezes past his brothers face, more tears springing behind warm browns. “We’re… all lucky.”

Leo sniffs. Maybe it’s the drugs, or maybe it’s the fact that they’re outta Staten Island together, but it doesn’t matter regardless. “You gotta let me see him.” He’s telling his twin. “Or I will just get up and walk to the next room regardless.”

Donnie sighs, standing and scraping back his chair, he deadpans his brother and says,

“I figured just as much. Alas, I am ten steps ahead of you, dear brother.” He throws a unbothered glance over his shoulder. “April.” He calls out.

There’s the squeaking of bed wheels against the floor and hurried, excited footsteps. With the med bay curtain pushed back Leo finally has eyes on his little brother.

He’s tucked up in his bed, face lacking his usual mask, highlighting his tired, beaten face. He’s got a split bottom lip that seems to be healing alright, still some leftover dried blood on his chin, and his arms…

Leo’s throat bobs as he soaks in the image. Mikey’s arms are bound tightly, from his hands all the way up, snaking up and around to each of his shoulders.

“S’not as bad as it looks,” Angelo is quick to assure him, voice so airy and breezy like they were discussing anything but their newfound bond over near-death experiences. “Don said I might need to wear compression stockings for a little while after to help with the nerve damage, but it don’t hurt so bad right now.”

Leo hums, waiting for their beds to be pushed together, Donnie side steps out of the way, side eyeing his brothers carefully.

“Well, that would be on the account of the boatload of drugs we supplied you with,” he says, musing over his words. Then, getting very serious, he tells them, “I want you both resting. This isn’t a sleepover. You very nearly died.” His expression softens. He lands a hand on Mikey’s shell and gives it a rather affectionate pat.

“Stop him from going stir crazy in here, will you?” He says, gesturing to Leonardo with a playful bob of his head.

Leo laughs brightly, and is somehow able to reach his arm across, wrapping Mikey’s bandaged fingers up beneath his, giving them the fainest of squeezes. Any other time he’d taken the opportunity to simply bypass Donatello’s laws and rules.

But true to his word, he was indeed hooked up to a lotta good drugs. All of which were seemingly kicking in at once.

“We’ll be okay, Dee,” he hears Mikey say, voice gentle and true. He feels him just about managed to squeeze his hand back, and although there’s a conversation still on sacrifices and suicidal portal missions, right now, with the weight of his brother’s hand in his and his gentle laughter filling the room, it was all the best medicine Leo needed for a peaceful sleep.

[x-heesy]

#Imfreakingthaphuckout 🇫🇷

-What do you think of punks?

- Well they are good for nothing

-Oooh... Yes I don't really like those people

Droogz Droogz Droogz Droogz Droogz Droogz Brigade!

Dac dac! Dac dac! Dac dac!

Like a cinder block fall

{Verse 1: Staff the unstable}

I come like a cinder block fall (beng)

Sir listen to the harpsichord

Her skull was scattering like a tatin pie

It's exquisite, this cloud of drizzle in the stands

Yes breathe in this sweet perfume perfume, the smell of Evil

Anarchic public

Sound is sharing, son

Here is some attractive barbarism, AL'BRATCHNI

Quick, my fine blade rhymes with your rifle

I want you active as long as it squirts on the battery

Come ! Come and drink the moloko from the barrel

Go ahead, roll a beefy joko, you understood the story

It quickly ends up in shavings, like a lamb faced with crocodiles

All your big dreams that are too beautiful end up being pecked at by crows

In life when you pass a course you stop chasing

If you push the sound of the infamous four you will have your holes dilated

In concert we release flames to see the crowd grimacing You hear the crew of pirates, it's Staff the unstable the Droogz brigadier!

{Chorus: Al'Tarba}

It's for the punkettes, the keupons

Pogote with your Nodz!

Forget the slaps, the pom shots

Pogote with your Nodz!

If there are hippies in the room

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

And kreukreu! Stable! Stable!

Pogote with your Nodz!

It's for the punkettes, the keupons

Pogote with your Nodz!

Forget the slaps, the pom shots

Pogote with your Nodz!

If there are hippies in the room

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

And kreukreu! Stable! Stable!

Pogote with your Nodz!

{Verse 2: Al'Tarba}

Me, I want the crowd to ignite like a dirty crack cake

Hey yo taff, taff, pull a latte then you slap

Dream during the day, nightmare when I sleep

Truce of colors, black wins

Zen gets clogged, the liver smells strong

Test the pulse I'm already dead!

And to believe, and to believe, that I'm sick in my head

And in the evening, and in the evening, I walk non-stop

And sometimes, and sometimes, I'm seriously dirty, I feel the hate

The black lady, the black lady, opens her pussy to me, I have to fuck her

There's ass and drugs

It's like a gonzo psychedelic

Hippies eat shots

Return these gonz' to the selective sorting

I dream that they die and rot in the ground

I have migraines, dental problems

I like drunkenness and smile when I shower

(Bwaaah!) too much whiskey in the glass!

{Bridge}

Pogote, pogote, pogote, pogote!

Dac dac! Dac dac! Dac dac! Dac dac! Dac dac!

{Chorus: Al'Tarba}

It's for the punkettes, the keupons

Pogote with your Nodz!

Forget the slaps, the pom shots

Pogote with your Nodz!

If there are hippies in the room

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

And kreukreu! Stable! Stable!

Pogote with your Nodz!

It's for the punkettes, the keupons

Pogote with your Nodz!

Forget the slaps, the pom shots

Pogote with your Nodz!

If there are hippies in the room

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

And kreukreu! Stable! Stable!

Pogote with your Nodz!

Pogote with your Nodz!

Pogote with your Nodz!

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

Pogote with your Nodz!

{Verse 3: Sad Vicious}

There's a voodoo expert from the streets of Toulouse

A kind of Bernard Werber worshiping Cthulhu

(Dac!) my raps leave craters

(Dac!) it's war in my brain

I rant and it scares you

I have alien patterns, adversaries

Struggle and stop believing it

When I catch flies with chopsticks

To tell the truth, after ten tarpés I am amnesiac

Tired of this life destroying me, that doesn't make me happy

I have the Shabazz album, yo I know the good dope

And then I don't see myself honoring your big crap

Oh! Oh! It's the Droogies on the attack! (Dac!)

We come back in force like Old Boy or Guy Mariano

You will say bravo to us since we are the most karacho

Burn your radio you see the painting be crazy it's not a thalasso!

In short when I bark like Sergeant Hartman must

Groove until you regain your composure, like gazpacho!

{Chorus: Al'Tarba}

It's for the punkettes, the keupons

Pogote with your Nodz!

Forget the slaps, the pom shots

Pogote with your Nodz!

If there are hippies in the room

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

And kreukreu! Stable! Stable!

Pogote with your Nodz!

It's for the punkettes, the keupons

Pogote with your Nodz!

Forget the slaps, the pom shots

Pogote with your Nodz!

If there are hippies in the room

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

And kreukreu! Stable! Stable!

Pogote with your Nodz!

Pogote with your Nodz!

Pogote with your Nodz!

Pogote with your Nodz, bro!

Pogote with your Nodz!

{Outro: sample}

I'm not dramatizing Mary, I'm not drunk. Do you think, do you think I dwell on my shitty spell? Absolutely not, I was fucked like a whore...

But you know, I believe that one day a man will come and love me...

We are super happy together, we find each other, as we are well...

@luna-zylum 🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺🐺

Pogotte avec ton nodz by Droogz Brigade

https://genius.com/Droogz-brigade-pogote-avec-ton-nodz-lyrics

[chiclet-go-boom]

weirdly enough was talking to someone this morning on the drive in to work and got on the topic of favorite muppets.

"Gotta be Elmo," I said, because what cad doesn't have Elmo in top position. I was obviously barking up a different Street but my faux pas slid.

"Nah," says he. "Although adorable and cute, no question. I love the little "brriiiiiiing!" alien guys the best. Although maybe the Swedish Chef."

"Can't forget Beaker." "Oh shit yeah. Beaker. Does Beaker beat out the Swedish chef? Uh..."

... sound of grinding gears in the other seat.

"But really, its gotta be Animal. Best muppet, no question. Second best. Alien muppets THEN Animal THEN Swedish Chef and Beaker are, like, tied."

I can't argue with that breakdown. Personally my favorite muppet is a toss up between Kermit or Gonzo but I am ALSO reconsidering where Beaker fits.

The gang’s all here!

[raviotherabbit]

royal pain in the ass- chapter 6

Chapter 6: Era of the Great Sea Captain Tetra saves some castaways.

[first] - [previous] - [next] read it on ao3!

  △ ▲△

There was just something about Outset Island.

Tetra hated pretty much everything about it. The people there were soft, even the fishermen who spent their days hunting down the monsters of the sea. Everyone was preoccupied with their simple lives. Rearing their children, washing their clothes and hanging them to dry, playing with wooden swords…

They all went on like this, day after day, as though a great and powerful kingdom did not lay in ruins, miles below the sea.

But still, some little part of Tetra couldn’t help but want it. She wanted that simple life, to live without a care in the world. The burden on her shoulders was heavy, but the time she’d spent on Link’s little island, where nobody needed anything from her, had lifted it.

So when she found Link on Outset, of all places, well… that just sweetened the deal, didn’t it?

Rats… Wind was his name, now, wasn’t it? At least for now it was.

The best part of Outset, though, had to be the woods. The Forest of Fairies was quiet these days, which perhaps made it all the more ideal in Tetra’s opinion. She never got a second alone on her ship, not truly, but she could here.

Gently, she placed a hand on one of the trees, tracing the grooves in its bark. She was familiar with this one. When the Helmaroc King dropped her, it was this tree that she fell into, the branches snagging on her clothes. And then she met Wind.

Goddesses, where would she be without Wind? If this one, special, stupid kid hadn’t found her that day. Part of her wanted to think she could have taken Ganondorf on her own, and that was the part of her she let control the narrative.

Still, the Forest of Fairies was beautiful. Tetra could only hope their new home would have places half as pretty. With its cool breeze rustling fallen leaves, the ever-present smell of fresh dew, and gentle harp strumming…

Wait. Who the hell was playing the harp up here?!

Her good mood thoroughly ruined, Tetra followed the sound of the harp. Eventually, she came upon one of the heroes, sitting at the forest’s cliff.

What was his name? Cloud? No, that’s close, but not right… What’s a Hero of the Clouds, anyway? That sounded stupid. Hero of the Sun? Hero of the… Wind? No wait-

Sky! It’s Sky!

Yikes, though. Sky didn’t look so good. He kept plucking at the strings of his harp, but each time he only made it a few notes in before wincing. There were dark circles under his eyes, which kept darting up towards his clear, blue namesake with desperation.

Tetra almost left right then and there.

But there was a voice in the back of her head, one that sounded a bit like Wind, a bit like an old king. A princess would try to help her people.

Ugh. Fine. This would be a good practice run, anyway.

“Hey, buddy,” Tetra awkwardly tried to put on her cheerful princess voice. “What’s- what’s up?”

Sky looked back at her, almost no emotion on his face. “Oh, Zelda.”

“It’s Tetra,” she responded instinctively, mentally cringing at her own bluntness. She’s trying to be nice now!

“Right, Tetra,” Sky nodded, as if reminding himself. “I have a question for you.”

“Alright, I can answer questions.” Tetra took a seat next to Sky, letting her legs dangle off the cliff’s edge. “What do you want to know?”

“Your Hyrule,” he gestured towards the Great Sea, expanding as far as the eye could see. “How did it come to be this way?”

Right, this guy’s the first one. “Well, Ganondorf was sealed in the Evil Realm,” she started.

“Then what happened?”

“He broke free. The people of Hyrule, they prayed to the Goddesses to save them from his wrath, and-” Tetra swallowed. “And they flooded the land.”

For a moment, Sky was silent. His grip on his harp was tight, and for a moment, Tetra was concerned he’d break it. It was such a nice piece of treasure, after all, and it’d be a shame if it were harmed.

Finally, he spoke again. “How many died?”

“What?” Tetra almost shouted, certain she’d misheard him.

“When the flood came, how many died?” Sky reiterated, his gaze focused on the waves lapping at Outset’s shore.

“I- I don’t…” she sputtered helplessly. “I don’t know.”

“This is the legacy I’ve left the world,” Sky said. “What did their blind faith bring them?”

  △ ▲△

Standing on the stern of her ship, Captain Tetra takes in a deep breath and sighs. There’s nothing like the open ocean, is there? Cutting through the waves, the smell of salt in the night air…

With Wind gone on his little hero quest, searching for new land has taken a backseat. He would kill her if she even thought about founding her kingdom without him there by her side. Well, at least try to. They both know who would really win that fight.

But it’s not so bad. New Hyrule can wait, Tetra has a chance to focus on some of her own passions.

“Captain!” It’s Gonzo, Tetra’s right-hand man. He stops a few feet behind her. “We’ve spotted the Ghost Ship at Greatfish Isle!”

Like hunting down and destroying every last Ghost Ship on the high fucking seas.

“Excellent.” Tetra smirks. “Alter course for Greatfish. We’re going to destroy some undead tonight.”

“Uh, that’s just it, Captain,” Gonzo says. “There’s people on the island, yeah? And they’re fighting the monsters!”

“What?!” Tetra snaps back towards her subordinate. “Who would be stupid enough to fight a Ghost Ship?!”

△ ▲△

Of course, the second they noticed the ship, that’s when the undead started jumping onto their islet.

“Get it off get it off get it off get it off!” Flora desperately shouts as, using the Magnesis Rune, she slams the shield from Artemis down onto the Stalfos that has an iron-tight grip on her ankle.

“Flora, use the shield!” Dusk shouts over her shoulder, focused more on parrying off the sword of a Stalfos. In the same swift movement, she drives her rapier cleanly into its skull. As much as Artemis hates to admit it, Dusk is good. “Don’t make it a mallet!”

“She knows what she’s doing!” Artemis contends, just as her sword meets the lantern of a poe. “She doesn’t need you telling her what to do!”

“Now isn’t the time for arguing with each other!” Sun’s exasperation drips off her words. She’s just barely able to duck, dodging a swing from a Stalfos. On the ground, she kicks a leg out, knocking the walking skeleton off its feet.

Artemis’s eye twitches, and she snaps back around in anger. “I’m just saying-!”

But that moment of distraction was just a smidge too much. The Poe rises behind her, raising its glowing hand, preparing for the one, fatal strike. But before Flora can even gasp, or Sun can yell for her to watch out-

BANG!

The Poe’s lantern shatters, and with an agonizing shriek, it disappears.

There’s another ship in the water, bearing a red and white sail with two crossed swords. And there, gripping onto a rope as she leans off the bowsprit, is Tetra, the barrel of her gun smoking.

“Tetra!” Artemis could breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank the Goddess you’re here!”

Tetra blinks, taken aback for a moment. “Queenie?! I thought the Time War was over!”

“Fight now, talk later!” Sun shouts over the Stalfos she has in a headlock.

Tetra nods, tilting her head back towards her ship. “Boys! Lend them a hand!”

At her word, a crew of men lapel down from the ship and into the shallow waters. With their cutlasses drawn, they begin slicing away at the Poes and Stalfos attacking the stranded ladies.

Tetra sharply whistles, catching Artemis’s attention. “Queenie, take your best, leave the other two behind! We’re boarding that ship!”

Artemis bites her cheek. Her best, huh?

Well, there was no doubt about which of them had the most training.

“Dusk!” she cups her mouth as she yells.

And Dusk almost instantaneously freezes, her rapier dropping slightly as she looks at Artemis, her eyes wide.

“Come with me to the ship!” Artemis points towards the Ghost Ship. “We need you!”

For a moment, a very brief one, Dusk doesn’t react. Then, she smirks, a smugness only a queen could have.

“It’s about time,” she says.

  △ ▲△

The second they step into the Ghost Ship’s hull, Dusk’s nose wrinkles. “I can practically feel the dust in the air.”

The whole interior of the ship seems to be filled with smog, solidifying the undead ambience. Its wooden walls groan as it’s rocked by the sea, giving off the same eerie blue lighting it had on the outside. Below them, on the ship’s bottom, were monsters. Poes and ReDeads.

“We need to get back there,” Tetra gestures towards the back of the ship with her cutlass. “Once we take the treasure, the ship will disappear.”

“Right, because you’re pirates,” Dusk crosses her arms. “Remind me how you two know each other, again?”

Artemis and Tetra exchange a glance. “The War Across the Ages,” the former explains. “We recruited many individuals adrift from their own eras.”

“But pirates? Really?” Dusk gestures to Tetra with a hand.

“I’ll have you know, I’m the greatest pirate who ever sailed this sea,” Tetra jabs her thumb towards herself.

Artemis rolls her eyes. “Come on you two, behave. You’re cousins, after all.”

“Wh-what?!” Dusk sputters. “I thought you said her name was Tetra!”

Tetra snorts. “Yeah, but to some people, it’s Princess Zelda.” She holds out her hand, winking at Dusk. “Welcome to the family, cousin!”

Hesitantly, Dusk shakes her hand. Tetra responds with a shocking amount of vigor.

“Now that that’s settled,” Artemis claps her hands together. “How about we defeat some undead?”

As if answering her question, Tetra shoots right at the ReDead’s skull. While her bullet is enough to defeat the single ReDead, the sound also draws the attention of the other monsters on the ship. Slowly, they begin shambling towards the ledge the ladies stand on.

“Oh great,” Dusk mutters to herself. “There goes our element of surprise.”

“Dusk, we should stick together,” Artemis suggests, careful in her phrasing as she draws her rapier. “We can watch each other’s backs.”

With a nod, Dusk retrieves her own sword. “Let’s go,” is the only thing she says before she jumps off the ledge.

  △ ▲△

These new guys, Sun decides, are good. They’re decent with their swords, though she knows they’d be better if they’d attended the Knight’s Academy. At least they’re good enough to make up for both Artemis and Dusk’s absences.

One of the taller pirates slices clean through the neck of a Stalfos, its head landing just at Sun’s feet. Rearing her foot up, she crushes it under her boot. Of course, she’d never admit it, but that crunch! is such a sweet sound. Like music to her ears.

Sun’s ears twitch slightly as they pick up the faint sound of clanging metal. She’s just in time to duck again, missing a swing from an angry Poe.

“Hey, pirates!” she shouts, hoping to catch the attention of at least one of them. “Think one of you can take this for me?”

The tall one with the bandana nods, quickly moving himself between Sun and the Poe. She sighs. She just isn’t equipped to deal with that, today. Maybe if she’d remembered to bring a sword…

Sure, hand-to-hand combat isn’t usually her first choice, but Sun has grown to appreciate it over the past few minutes. Hylia, not just appreciate it. She loves it, more than she ever thought she would. Who would have guessed that punching things would be so fun?

“Well, well, look who’s decided to grace us with her presence.”

Oh, that sounds considerably less fun!

Turning behind her, Sun sees what must be the monster Artemis and Flora told her about. Because as her eyes lay on him, it’s almost as if his form is wobbling, before solidifying into a figure she knows well.

It’s a shadow of Sky. A representation of her Link, but if he was dunked in black paint and given terrifying red eyes.

“I’ve heard of you,” Sun’s eyes narrow at Dark Link.

“Ah, and I know you, your grace,” Dark Link laughs, and though it’s cruel and contemptuous, some part of her head thinks, ‘That’s familiar.’

“But tell me,” he continues. “What’s Hylia herself doing so far from home?”

Sun freezes, her blood running cold. “How did you…? Who are you?”

“What, you don’t recognize your own hero?” Dark Link frowns mockingly. “You know, I thought he’d take the longest to crack, but just a few whispers about the sea, and-” he abruptly snaps. “He was as good as gone. Now that fairy brat, on the other hand…”

“Stop it,” Sun snaps at him. “Just tell me where they are.”

“Oh? And why would you care?” The shadow tilts his head, and for a moment, his confusion almost seems genuine. “You goddesses have never cared for the fates of your heroes.”

And then, there’s a spark inside of Sun, and it sets her whole mind on fire. “I am not Hylia,” she asserts, grabbing onto his arm. “I. Am. ZELDA!”

It’s a moment of pure focus, the first time she’s ever said anything like that aloud, let alone screamed it. Unfortunately, it’s also a moment of distraction, just as Dark Link wanted. He draws his shadowy Master Sword, raises it above his head, and-

“SUN!”

Suddenly, Flora pushes Sun out of the way. The sword’s hilt strikes her head with a loud, sickening CRACK! She ends up collapsing right on top of her ancestor.

“Flora!” Sun gasps, tilting the scholar’s chin up to get a better look at her. After such a nasty blow, it makes sense that she’s out cold. But there’s blood, a lot of it, practically running down her face from above her left eye.

“You hurt her!” Sun exclaims, drawing Flora as close as she can bring her. “You son of a-!”

But, just then, they’re interrupted by two more shouts. In all the hassle, Sun hadn’t even noticed the Ghost Ship’s disappearance. Dusk, Artemis, and Tetra stand on the shore, staring right at the mess in front of them.

In an almost simultaneous burst of light, Artemis and Dusk summon their Bows of Light. Tetra draws her pistol, all three taking aim at Dark Link.

“Not another move, asshat,” Tetra warns him. “Attacking a princess is rude, you know.”

“She’s a queen,” Artemis informs her.

“Attacking a queen is rude, you know,” Tetra amends.

“Well,” Dark Link raises his hands above his head. “It seems we’re at an impasse.” He catches Sun’s eye one last time. “Farewell for now, your grace.”

Before any shots can be fired, Dark Link’s shadowy mass collapses in on itself. Like a splash of water, he sinks into the ground and disappears.

As the adrenaline fades from her body, Sun suddenly looks down at the bleeding body in her arms. She tightens her grip around her descendant, instinctively covering Flora’s wound with her hands.

“Oh no,” she mutters to herself as her fingers turn red. “Guys! We need help!”

  △ ▲△

It’s just a head wound, Tetra told them. And a head wound means it looks worse than it is, and it’ll bleed more than usual. Flora’s fine, she insists, she’ll wake up soon. All they have to do is keep an eye on her bandages and wait.

“I mean, you’ve seen my Link,” Tetra explains, leaning against her ship’s railing. “He gets a concussion every other week. He’s bounced back from worse than what Flora has.”

There really was no reason to stay on Greatfish any longer, now that they had Tetra and her crew. She’d been so generous as to waive the transport fee, something about a family discount that Artemis didn’t really hear. They’re heading to Windfall Island, so that they can restock their supplies before the next portal appears.

Flora was set up in one of the bedrooms below deck, tucked safely into one of the beds. Artemis has taken it upon herself to remain by her side, at least until she wakes up. She’s just so pale, and she hasn’t moved an inch…

As the first rays of light touch the sea, there’s a light knock on the door.

“Come in,” Artemis calls out, rising from her chair at Flora’s bedside.

The door creaks open, and Dusk pops her head in. “How’s she doing?” she asks, tilting her head towards Flora.

“No change,” Artemis crosses her arms and sighs. “I know Tetra said this is normal, but still…”

Dusk steps into the cabin, closing the door behind her with a sigh. “Sun’s a bit of a wreck. I told her I’d check in on Flora if she ate something.”

“She doesn’t blame herself, does she?” Artemis questions, wringing her hands together.

“The hit was intended for her, from what I can gather,” Dusk reveals. She gently places a hand at the top of Flora’s head. “You’re quite brave.”

Artemis smiles weakly, sitting back in her chair. “How are you holding up, Dusk?”

“I’ll admit, pirate ships aren’t as bad as I thought,” Dusk chuckles lightly. “It’s quite cozy here.”

“Dusk, I’m-” Artemis starts, but she swallows and starts again. “I’m sorry. You haven’t really spent that much time travelling before, and it was irresponsible of me to assume you’d feel comfortable with it immediately.”

“Artemis,” Dusk sighs. She kneels next to her, taking her hands into her own. “I should be the one apologizing. You were trying your best, but… I’m sorry, I was rude about your night watch, and I really ruined the whole thing, didn’t I?”

“Oh come on,” Artemis scoffs, but for once, there’s no malice behind her words. Her hands return Dusk’s grip with a tight squeeze. “You clearly weren’t okay with it, and I took that personally instead of making sure you were alright.”

“I just…” Dusk purses her lips together. “I’m scared of being alone in the dark.”

“Then you won’t have to cover any watches,” Artemis asserts. “But, you know, I spent a lot of time in a warped version of your era. I even met the most peculiar woman, a princess of the Twilight Realm…”

Dusk gasps. “You met Midna.”

“I did,” she nods. “So if you ever need someone to talk to, please consider me.”

Wordlessly, Dusk leans forward and pulls Artemis into what might be the warmest hug she’s felt in years. And instinctually, Artemis hugs her back.

For a long time, they stay like that.

“You know, I never figured it out,” Dusk suddenly speaks. “Flora’s down the family tree, and Sun’s up it. When exactly does the War Across the Ages take place?”

“From your perspective? You have about two-hundred years to go,” Artemis reveals. “You’re my grandmother a few times over, by the way.”

“What?!” Dusk suddenly draws back. “Why didn’t you lead with that?!”

  △ ▲△

Waking up is quite the process. When Flora opens her eyes for the first time, her vision is blurry. Like the world’s been spun around. Just barely, she’s able to lift her head, though her neck protests such movements.

There, sitting at the edge of her bed, though. That has to be Mipha. Who else would wait for her like that, within arm’s reach should she need an extra bit of healing?

Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Daruk and Urbosa just a few feet away. They’re talking to each other, maybe about her. Their tones are quiet and subdued, though. And Revali! Revali is waiting, just by the door. That's just like him to hover, even if he pretends not to.

‘Did I pass out in the spring again?’ she wonders.

“Flora?”

But then, she blinks, and it’s almost as though the scene shifts. It’s Sun sitting on her bed, a look of hope clear on her face. Artemis and Dusk freeze, gaping at Flora’s awakening. Tetra is the one who’s by the door, though she’s clearly keeping her distance.

Right. Of course.

“Flora!” Sun springs to her feet. “You’re okay!”

And then, before Flora’s sluggish mind can catch up with her, Sun wraps her up into a tight hug. Flora’s head throbs at the sudden, jerky movement.

“Ow…” Flora groans.

Sun gasps in shock, dropping Flora back onto her pillow. “Sorry!”

“Hylia’s fucking tits-” Tetra curses, missing Sun covering her chest with an arm at those words. She pushes herself between Sun and Flora. “Do none of you know how to handle head injuries? Stop moving her around!”

“I’m sorry, it’s just-” Sun awkwardly fidgets with her fingers. “She got hurt because of me! I need to make sure she’s okay!”

“And I want to make sure my travels with you four start off on the right foot,” Tetra insists. “Without anyone dying.”

“I’m fine,” Flora croaks out.

Dusk gestures a hand to the young queen. “See? She’s fine.”

“You’ve decided you’re coming with, then?” Artemis suddenly appears at Flora’s side, lightly patting her head. “You didn’t need much convincing.”

Tetra shrugs. “I figure I owe Link this much. He’d do the same for me.”

“Woo,” Flora weakly cheers, lamely raising a fist in celebration.

Artemis gently pushes her hand down. “We’ve still got a few days left on the Great Sea, Flora, don’t get your hopes up. We’re not going anywhere until that head wound of yours closes.”

“Aw…” Flora pouts, crossing her arms.

“Get some rest, kid,” Dusk instructs her. “You look like you need it.”

“You,” Flora points to Tetra, though there’s already a drowsiness to her words. “You’re going to tell me more about your time.”

Tetra nods mockingly, taking Flora’s hand into her own. “When you wake up, your majesty.”

[dustedmagazine]

Evil — Possessed by Evil (Nuclear War Now!)

Possessed by Evil by Evil

You’ve got to hand it to this Tokyo-based band: Evil has absolutely no use for subtlety. The ethos of their thrashy, high-energy music is insistently forecast by all of the attendant semiotics: Band name? Evil. Record title? Possessed by Evil. Songs? “The Gate of Hell,” “The Bottom of Hell,” “Hell’s Evil Bells” and “Paramount Evil.” And so on. Check out those outfits. Evil suggests what might have happened if the dudes in Guitar Wolf had fallen in love with Nocturno Culto and Jeff Hanneman, instead of with Carl Perkins and the Ramones. Because Possessed by Evil exists, we don’t have to attempt that thought experiment. Just drop the needle.

But be advised: pastiche this disingenuous can be tough to deal with. If you can peel back the ridiculousness of the costumes and all the goofily on-the-nose verbiage, the music may just about save the enterprise. For sure, there’s a winning quality to the absolutely gonzo verve of the band’s playing. Album opening track “The Cycle of Pain” kicks off with ten seconds of unadorned jackhammer drumming, then proceeds to blaze away with some whacko thrash runs, riffs and licks. Sodom and Overkill’s early records were likely in heavy rotation when Evil were composing the tune, which isn’t a song so much as an excuse for Ryo Kitamura (who plays under the stage name “Asura”) and Masaharu Takahashi (“Bishamonten”) to shred with brain-scrambling speed and volume. Almost exactly two minutes later, “The Cycle of Pain” segues directly into “Yaksa,” and somehow the pace accelerates. A more dire energy pervades the playing, and Asura’s barked and howled vocals toughen things up some. Later, “The Gate of Hell” grafts its frothing Iommi-worship onto a cock-rocking riff that would make the guys in AC/DC blush.  

That sort of thing can be pranksome fun. But there’s little evidence that Evil is operating with any intended irony. The playing is all on surface, flashy and immediate. As “cock-rocking riff” suggests, some of Possessed by Evil verges on the obscenity that is black’n’roll, especially “Raizin,” “Bottom of Hell” and “Enmaten.” The impulse to rawk out asserts itself. A lot of thrash is suitable for folks who want to use the word “party” as a verb—but black metal? Do we want black metal to provide a soundtrack for evenings spent shot-gunning cans of Pabst? If not, what do we think of Evil’s (perhaps superficially opportunistic) use of its visual iconography? And do we want to get into the queasy problematics of a Japanese band recording for Nuclear War Now!?  

Maybe those are the wrong questions to ask. Maybe they take the band entirely too seriously. Want to put on a bunch of black leather and bandoliers? Figure out a good mixture for fake blood while you’re refining your latest preening solo? Have at it. This reviewer is no rearguard defender of kvlt orthodoxy. But even to me, Possessed by Evil feels strangely soulless. You might say, “Well, no shit, dude. They’re Evil.” Really? Or is that semblance of malign intent only as deep as the layer of corpse paint they daub on before a gig, or a photo shoot?  

Jonathan Shaw

[duncanwrites]

All the books I read in 2019, reviewed in 2 sentences or less.

The annual tradition returns! These are all the books I read in the last year, and how I felt about them in two sentences or less.

Blue Mars - Kim Stanley Robinson: This was the final book of the science fiction trilogy that exploded my brain at the end of 2018, and the after-shocks lasted well into 2019. These books capture something essential about the relationship between place and politics that you can only do with science fiction.

Bark - Lorrie Moore: A thoroughly uneven book of short stories - when they were good, they were great, when they were bad, they were bumbling takes on the domestic side of the war on terror.

Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemingway: Maybe it's just my mood in the forsaken year of 2019, but I just have no tolerance any more for works of art that aestheticize the degradation of the human spirit. This book made me feel near constant disgust.

Mrs. Dalloway - Virginia Woolf: In contrast, I think you can create works of art that dignify people even in their darkest moments, and offer a bridge into the experience of others that can be a passage into becoming a better person. It's always nice to read a book for a second time and realize you can keep reading it again for years to come.

The Asshole Survival Guide - Robert I. Sutton: We all have assholes that we have to work with, and sometimes it's necessary to have some external validation that it's not all your fault, and that establishing distance between yourself and said assholes is a good idea.

My Invented Country - Isabelle Allende: It took me until the very end of this book to realize there was a different memoir by Allende that I meant to read instead. This one was not so great.

Catch-22 - Joseph Heller: Gonzo literary comfort food.

The Golem and the Jinni - Helene Wecker: I found this book charming enough, but it never totally wowed me at any particular point. I think it showed that the concept of two magical creatures from different cultural contexts meeting in turn of the century New York is an interesting thought experiment, but a struggle to land as a full narrative.

Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami: Prior to this, the only Murakami I had read was What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, and it's safe to say that did not properly prepare me for the surreal darkness of Kafka on the Shore, which seems to never stop going deeper into the abyss.

God Save Texas - Lawrence Wright: There are very few books about modern Texas that don't try to valorize it, or douse it with excessive nostalgia, and this is one of them. A politically-astute, funny meander through the state as it is, not as it might have once been, or never was.

M Train - Patti Smith: Patti Smith is obviously a genius, but this one didn't leave a great mark on me. Worth revisiting some other time, I think, since it's my girlfriend's favorite book.

Working - Robert Caro: I am shamefully still putting off my years-old plan to read Robert Caro's LBJ series, and finish his book on Robert Moses. In the meantime, this is a thoughtful reflection on how and why to tell stories about power.

Feel Free - Zadie Smith: I love Zadie Smith, and if you haven't read her non-fiction essays, you are missing out on some of her most exciting and moving writing. This is her second collection of essays, and you can tell how much the decade since the first has taken its toll - so many more of the pieces are about fear and frustrations, and the language is much wearier, even while it is still penetrating and beautiful.

The Telling - Ursula K. Le Guin: A slim, late novel from one of the best to ever do it, this book projects the sense of engrossing calm that reminds me most of all of listening to a story well-told - not incidentally, an experience that is a key theme of the plot itself.

Stories of Your Life and Others - Ted Chiang: On the other hand, the short stories in this book all came off as one note thought experiments that failed to build compelling worlds.

The Overstory - Richard Powers: Not just my favorite book of the year, but also one of my favorite ever, The Overstory is the book I talked the most about, and told the most people to read in 2019. The best way to explain it ('it's a book about people who become obsessed with trees') really undersells things, because it's also about forest ecology, generations of trauma, the terror and clarity of radical thought, and a soul-splitting vision of hope. It receives the coveted 3rd sentence in the review, because I just need to emphasize again that you should read this book.

The Flamethrowers - Rachel Kushner: Maybe it was the fate of any book that I read after The Overstory, but The Flamethrowers left me feeling cold. It wandered off into too many fanciful-seeming plot arcs that didn't develop all the characters to the depth they needed.

What is Populism? - Jan-Werner Müller: I re-read this book because I wanted to revisit his ideas about the strengths and weaknesses of populists ahead of the next election, and whether there is ever a version of populism suitable for the left agenda. I finished worried, and skeptical, respectively, on those two points.

The Great Derangement - Amitav Ghosh: I don't read many books about climate change - I find there are very few things that I really feel like need saying in the face of the obvious and overwhelming - but I'm glad I made time for this one, which focuses on both the global north-south dynamics of the issue, and the inability of storytelling to capture the problem in full. It's profoundly difficult to sum up in two sentences, but it's worth a full read.

There, There - Tommy Orange: I think this novel asks too much of characters that are too thin to hold what they are made to bear. Too busy at the same time as it's too ordered to be fully credible.

The Slynx - Tatyana Tolstaya: I somehow convinced myself that I had read this surreal post-apocalyptic novel set in Russia 100 years after nuclear winter, but not only had I not read it, I haven't read anything like it before. A wide-ranging nightmare about authority, literacy, and the power of fear, set in its own vernacular and kaleidoscopic distortions of our authoritarian world today.

The Iliad - Homer: I wanted to re-read The Iliad because I find the idea of a hero felled by a single, discrete flaw to be a fascinating allegory, not realizing that Achilles' fatal flaw is not his heel but his anger.

Ecology of a Cracker Childhood - Janisse Ray: There isn't much widely-read nature writing about the US South, and I think Janisse Ray's book dignifies and mourns the overlooked parts of the country that may not be wilderness but still contain bits of natural grace.

Sundiver and Startide Rising - David Brin: These two novels follow the same premise of humanity entering a universe of intelligent life as the only species to reach consciousness without patronage of, and servitude to, an elder species, and the power struggle that ensues. Sadly, the premise writes a check the execution can't cash, and while the first book, leaner and more focused, is solid, the second is over-long and distracted from what made the first fascinating.

Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry: It took a lifetime of seeing this book (a signed first edition, from an Austin bookstore that has left no digital trace) on my parents' shelf to finally read Lonesome Dove, and it was a fitting welcome back to Texas. McMurtry's characters are fully-grown from the beginning, made of both broad archetypes and fine detail, and the narrative gives them the journey they deserve.

The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt: There are very few novels that convey big ideas in balance with pot-boiler plotting, but this is one of them and my only regret is not reading it sooner. How dare anyone blight this novel with a terrible movie.

The Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin: What makes this book special is not that it's speculative fiction about a world with unique gender arrangements; that's been done before by many other authors. What makes it special is that it investigates that world with tenderness towards its inhabitants, and an understanding of how gender weaves its way into institutions besides the family or the bedroom

Gun Island - Amitav Ghosh: I had high hopes for Gun Island, but felt it never quite rose above being a thought experiment carrying out his ideas from The Great Derangement.

The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P - Adelle Waldman: Your opinion of this book will probably hinge on how important you think it is to read books about writers in Brooklyn hanging out with other writers in Brooklyn. If you think that's still a useful world to explore, you will like that this book is merciless towards its characters, and startlingly accurate - but if you don't think that's important, you will be frustrated for the same reasons.

How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia - Mohsin Hamid: A gloriously rich experimentation in genre and contemporary global politics - playful, infuriating, and heartwarming, really everything you could hope for from a short novel. This is the second book by Hamid that I've read, and I'm going to set out to read all of them as soon as I can.

[descendantofthesparrow]

Harry Hook x Sparrow!Reader - oneshot - WICKED

These are very similar requests so im just smashing them together!

random-thoughts-and-spoken-words 

Hi! I love all of your stories, they’re so well written and amazing! So, I have a request. Could you do a short little thing about the reader being in the end of the first movie, but she chooses to be evil, and goes back to the Isle for Harry, who’s really happy she’s back. Then could you end it with a week passed and Ben sends men to ask Harry and the reader back over? You could add Gil and Uma to that list too. If you can’t do it, that’s fine. Love all of your works!!

@random-thoughts-003​

could you the reader choosing evil at end of first movie, for Harry and because she truly evil. she goes back, rejoins old gang, Uma’s crew. creates chaos more than before, kidnaps Ben. When core four try to say she’s good, she purposely almost kills one of them. in third movie, she doesn’t make it past the barrier and has to wait for Harry and Gil. when they come back, prepared to live out their days, they find Reader somehow got even the worst villains to give up their territory and let the crew steal their things. the sea three get to the ship, the crew was 100% better fighters. when the barrier is taken down, Harry tries to convince reader to come, but she says she’s waiting for someone. Thinking she’s cheating on him, he stays there to see who she is meeting. Turns out it’s her father Jack Sparrow and they plan to make the Isle into the modern Tortuga. Harry walks over and Reader introduces him to her father as boyfriend. later on, when he confesses he thought she was cheating, could you end it with her “Oh Harry, I may be evil in my soul, but I’d never go so low as that.” (They started dating at the beginning of second movie.)

How dare they, they would just…UP AND ABANDON THE REST OF THE ISLE?! Rotten to the core my ass.

You snarled, turning away, pausing as a hand fell on your shoulder. “(y/n) is good too! You have no ide- AH!” your arm flourished out, a gleaming switch-blade in your hand, slicing at Mals arm.

“get away from me you traitor” you growled, glaring down at the purple-haired fae, who started up at you in shock, holding her sliced arm close to her chest.

“wha-wh-(y/n)?” Evie stuttered, grasping Mals shoulder and pulling her back “what's gotten into-“

You snarled, turning and walking out of the cathedral. Ben and Evie raced after you, calling your name “(y/n)! wait!” Ben yelled, you huffed spinning around and crossing your arms.

“what do you need princey?” you drawled “I have an isle to get back to” Ben tilted his head in confusion, bless his soul, good intentions, but poorly executed.

“why? Why would you want to go back to the isle” he asked, genuinely curious, evie was frowning, looking concerned.

“I left assuming my friends would join me after everything, but since that didn’t happen, im going back, im not abandoning them.”

You spun on your heel, stomping off and making your way to the limos, snatching a bridge remote, you paused, groaning and walking to the dorms, for once happy that you had a room all to yourself, grabbing all your gear and stuffing it in a bag.

You snatched your compass and hat, fixing the tricorn on your head and hefting your bag over your shoulder, heading back to the limos.

You unlocked one and tossed your bag in the back, ripping off the flags and the hood ornament, pocketing it and making your way to the driver's seat.

“(y/n)!” you paused, looking back, pup, the shorter boy trotting after you, dude running after him.

You sighed, leaning back on the car “what do you want pup” you muttered, a sneer on your lip.

He stopped a few feet in front of you, slightly out of breath “you don’t know how to drive, ill take you” you stopped, staring wide-eyed at him.

“Carlos the fuck” you muttered, “you’re coming back with me?”

“no” he shook his head “no im dropping you off, I understand why you want to go back, but if you go alone someone could get that remote and leave the isle, we both know there are some people who deserve to be on the isle.”

You slowly nodded, you might be evil, but you weren’t heartless, and beasty boy had been trying to right the wrongs of his father.

You sighed, walking around to the passenger side and opening the door, plopping down and nodding to Carlos “well, im not waiting all day!”

He beamed, sliding into the driver's seat dude hopping in after him and climbing into the back, head peeking through the sliding window door.

You slid down into your seat, watching as Auradon passed by in a blur, turning into the ocean as a golden bridge built below you.

=

You gave a salute to Carlos as he nodded back at you, turning the limo around and driving back off the isle. you breathed in, looking to your right, the large metal tube leading to the docks letting the smell of the ocean into the old garage.

“home sweet home” you muttered, squaring your shoulders and walking through the tube.

You smirked as you saw the common folk walking around, some fishing some simply just sitting in the cloud glazed sun.

“(y/n)” a thick boyish accent came from your left, you spun, a smile breaking through your lips as you spotted the boy you had missed so much.

His ocean blue eyes were glazed with surprise, the line of fish he was holding dropping to the deck, his mouth gaping open.

“yer- yer back! I thou-Oof!” he wheezed, tumbling back when you charged at him and rammed into his torso, wrapping your arms around him and holding on tightly.

He caught himself on a barrel, chuckling as he hooked his hook on his pants belt loop, wrapping his arms around you and nuzzling your neck. “I've missed yeh lassie” he muttered, hand reaching up to cup the back of your head “when did yeh get back?”

“About five minutes ago”  you mumbled, leaning heavily into him, pouting as he tugged your shirt to pull you off of him.

“well, glad ta have yeh back lassie” he patted your cheek, spotting your bag behind you. He picked ti up and slugged it over his shoulder, giving you his arm and leading you to the chip shop.

“LOOK WHOS BACK!” he hollered, the patrons looking up with glares, looking back down quickly as they spotted you.

“(y/n)!” the crew yelled, uma coming out from the kitchen and smirking.

“there you are, I knew you wouldn’t leave us behind!” you grinned, breaking away from Harry and leaping towards Uma and colliding into her.

“I would never” you chuckled, rubbing your cheek into her head “im not like the traitors” you pulled away, tensing as you prepared to be tackled by the crew.

Which you were.

The rest of the day was spent taunting the tv which showed the after party of the coronation. And a rowdy party for your return.

=

You hummed as you walked the allys of the isle, harry next to you, arm around your shoulder. Ben stepped out from the ally, blinking surprised as he locked eyes with you.

“(y/n- AH!” Ben let out a yelp as Gonzo and Bonny jumped at him, gagging him and tying his wrists together.

“let's go beasty boy!” bonny cackled, her and gonzo dragging him away, you hummed, patting Harry's back as he swaggered forward to taunt the traitors.

You leaned on the wall next to you, flipping out your switchblade to pick your nails.

A few moments later harry reemerged, once more wrapping his arm around your shoulders and leading you back to the ship, talking about how pups' hair was weird and Jay had lost his touch.

=

Hours later, you stood next to uma, eyes scanning Mal, Evie, Carlos, Jay, and Lonnie. Carlos held the wand, handing it to mal as harry brought ben forward.

“hol’ up!” uma called, mal pausing in handing the wand to uma, and harry stopping ben in his tracks. “too easy, we wanna see it work!”

Mal swallowed harshly, eyes flashing about “you always were quite the drama queen” mal sneered, looking behind her at dude.

Uma nodded, rolling her eyes, “oh and nothing too big or ben is fish bait!”

Mals' eyes flashed with worry, she turned, waving the wand about “although it may seem absurd, turn your bark into a word!” nothing, dude just blinked at her.

Uma turned to you, rolling her eyes. Mal let out a nervous laugh, growling at dude through her teeth “talk dog!”

“Does this vest make me look fat?” you blinked….alrighty then, dude could talk. So the wand was real…hopefully.

“give me the wand!” uma yelled, reaching for it, mal stepping back and pointing to ben.

“give me Ben!” she yelled back, you huffed, waving Harry forward. He pushed ben to his knees, sword ready to swing.

As uma took the wand, you watched as mal hurried to rush ben and the others out….and jay guarding a barrel of swords.

…it was a trick.

You snarled, watching as nothing harped as Uma cast the spell. “NO!” she screamed, snapping the fake wand on her knee “YOU DO NOT GET TO WIN EVERYTIME!” she turned to the crew.

“GET ‘EM!” in the corner of your eye you spotted Carlos whip out a slingshot, shooting gloves filled with a colored substance.

As the hit, they exploded into smoke. you stumbled back into harry who tucked you into his side and covered you with his jacket. You growled, unsheathing your sword and bolting forward, slicing at mal, who hardly had time to doge.

You nicked her neck, she stared at you in shock, yelping as you spun around and sliced at her legs, she jumped back, Ben grabbing her arm and running towards the tunnel that leads to the old garage.

“(y/n) please, we know you're better than this come back to aura-AH!” you leaped forward growling as you thrust your sword at his chest, ben falling back in fright.

“don’t you dare try, im bad to the soul, and I ain't comin’ back” you blocked a swing from Lonnie, the black-haired girl swallowing in fright as she locked eyes with you.

You huffed, pushing her back and kicking her stomach, dodging a stab from Carlos.

“ ‘Scuse me pup” you smirked, disarming him and gripping his wrist and flipping him around and slamming him to the ground.

--small time skip--

You screamed, throwing your sword to the ground, watching as Mal walked away. “UGG! OUT OF MY WAY!” Uma pushed past you and Harry, ducking into a shortcut to the garage.

You seethed, walking back to the ship, slamming open the door to yours and Harry's room, screaming as you slammed your fist into the hanging withered punching bag.

“lass, please calm-love” Harry walked in after you, watching as you tore up your fist punching the cracking old leather on the bag.

“AHHHHH” you let out a harsh scream “IT'S NOT FAIR!” you collapsed to the floor, Harry dropping with you and cradling you in his arms.

“Hey, hey” he cooed “it’s okay love, uma will find a way, well get off this hell rock” you sniffed, letting Harry's thumb brush away your tears.

“I know, we will” you muttered, cuddling into his chest. Harry picked you up, laying you on your bed. He shucked his shoes off and plopped next to you, tugging you into his chest.

“take a nap love, yeh need to have a rest” you hiccuped, burrowing into his chest and closing your eyes, slipping into a fitful nap.

=

You sighed, watching as Harry and Gil jumped through the barrier, smiling softly as Harry turned back and mouthed ‘ill be back for you’

You nodded, twisting around on your heel.

You had some jobs to do while they were gone.

=

Harry sighed, watching Auradon disappear from the limo window. At least he would be going back to (y/n). as he stepped out of the limo, Uma, and Gil following him, he noticed something odd.

The isle seemed…cleaner? Uma stepped next to him, spinning around in a small circle.

“what the fuck happened?” she muttered, a confused look on her face. “its…. I don’t know how to describe it?”

“ ello cap’n” harry grinned spinning around, bolting towards you as his eyes locked onto you.

“(y/n)!” he laughed, throwing his arms around you and picking you up, your legs wrapped around his waist. “gods I missed yeh”

“you were only gone for two days” you chuckled, running your hand through his hair, the other resting on his neck “but I missed you too”

Harry set you down on your feet, uma crashing into you “miss ya girl” you laughed, patting her back “missed ya to captain”

You broke away from her, leading them back to the ship. The three looked around, the usual big villans hulking around were yet to be seen. “look whos back!” a thick Scottish accent came from behind, an arm wrapping around Harry's shoulders, tugging him into their side and rubbing their knuckles into his head.

“how yeh doing lil’ bro? enjoying the life of a hero?” harry groaned, ducking under Harriet's arm.

“shut up Hettie” he muttered, pushing her away “where is everyone, not two days ago Frollo was screaming his ‘ead off just right there”

Harriet smirked “yer little girlfriend took over the isle, even scar and eq bowed under her heel” uma, harry, and Gil blinked in shock, looking to (y/n) who just shrugged and continued to walk to the ship.

Umas jaw dropped as they arrived, the crew was sparing together, and….they were a lot better than the last time she saw them.

Gonzo side flipped, avoiding bonny downswing, spotting uma as he twisted around to block a stab from Desiree.

“CAPTAIN!” he yelled, the crew yelled out with him, dropping their swords bolting down the gangplank and eagerly greeting uma.

“you’re back!”

“We missed you!”

“yer mas food is so shitty without ya!”

“cap'n! I dyed my hair, ya see!!!”

“I got a tattoo!!”

“I pierced my tongue!”

Uma rushed to rub her face, tears burning at her eyes, and here she though her crew dropped her as soon as she failed at cotillion.

You grinned, gesturing for gil to lift uma on his shoulders, as he did so uma let out a yelp a tear slipping down her cheek.

“whats her name!?” you called out, the crew sounding her name with resonance.

“UMA!”

“now lets party!” gil beamed, parading around the ship with uma on his shoulders, the crew rushing to grab the treasured rum and candy.

=

“lass come one, what are yeh waitin fer” Harry held out his hand, one foot crossing the barrier to Auradon.

“someone” you muttered, looking towards the ocean, but to harry, you were looking back towards the isle.

‘is….is she cheating on me?’ his heart hurt, after a year and a half of dating, you were just going to betray him like that.

Was it because he helped save Auradon??

“well,” he muttered “im waitin’ with yeh” you gave a shallow nod, not really listening.

An hour later, long after the freed vks and some villains had crossed the bridge. A certain ship appeared in the distance. You stood from your spot on the stairs, harry standing with you a heavy from on his face.

As the ship docked against the isle, harry felt confused….the person you were waiting for wasn’t even on the isle?

“DAD!” hol up wha-….HOLY FUCK JACK SPARROW?!”

“darling!” the now old pirate opened his arms, jack the monkey(who hadn’t aged in the years he had joined your father after Barbosa died) screeching in excitement, bouncing on jacks shoulder.

“oof” jack laughed as you collided with his chest, wrapping you in a tight hug.

“lass?” you turned a bright smile on your face, holding out your hand.

“harry! This is my dad, dad meet my boyfriend, Harry hook!” jack gestured for Harry to come close, holding out his own hand.

Harry grasped Jack's hand, gasping as he pulled him in for a hug.

“Good ta meet you lad, thank you for making my (y/n) happy all these years”

“so” Harry pulled back, looking from you to jack “why are yeh here”

“we’re turning this place into the new Tortuga!” you grinned, spinning around, arms wide open “pirate and sailor paradise!”

Harry laughed, “sounds awesome lass…oh was that why yeh took control of the isle?” you nodded.

“yep, couldn’t have Jafar or something try to take over”

Harry sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “look lass, I need ta apologize fer somethin’” you tilted your head, raising your brow.

“for wha’?”

“I though ye were cheatin’ on me…when yeh said ye were waiting fer someone” you laughed, stepping close to Harry and hugging him.

“aw hookie, I may be evil, but I would never go as low as that~”

Harry snorted “I know, im sorry”

Jack smiled, looking around at the isle.

“master gibbs! I think its time to start fixin up this dump”

“aye captain!”

---the end---

I got this request back in January!! At least the longer more detailed one, forgot when I got the short one, but since they are VERY similar, I just mushed them together, thanks for reading and waiting!

[gaiapaia]

Kermit and Friends: Welcome Back, Dr. Rajeev Fernando Featuring Stuttering John

Kermit and Friends was blessed to have two superb special guests yesterday that couldn’t have been more different from one another.

The first was Dr. Rajeev Fernando, an infectious disease doctor making his second appearance on Kermit and Friends.

Dubbed by Elisa Jordana as the sexiest doctor in the World (what a compliment!), Dr. Fernando since his last interview on KAF in February has continued to travel all around the World to research COVID-19 and help COVID-19 patients get better. Dr. Fernando admitted he’s seen some horrible things throughout his travels, which has led to many sleepless nights and him crying quite often. You could tell this is a man who cares deeply about humanity.

Dr. Fernando, like 99% of doctors, is very pro-vaccination. What separates him from most pro-vaxxers is that he’s very conscientious about not insulting people with a different viewpoint from him. He believes, rightly so, by insulting someone’s beliefs is not a way to get them to change their mind on that topic. If only more people could conduct themselves this way, humans would be a much more pleasant species.

Take Dr. Fernando’s handling of Trumpster Bob, for example. Bob appeared on KAF to tell the doctor that because of a special gene he has from his Norwegian ancestry, Bob is incapable of catching viruses. Dr. Fernando seemed quite baffled by this but he didn’t disrespect or patronize Bob in any way. The sexy doctor instead listened carefully and even offered his personal email address so Bob could send him information about the nonsense Bob was spewing. This is a great way to handle people who throw weird fallacies at you.

We also learned that Dr. Fernando is much more than just a doctor... he’s also a filmmaker and fashion designer! Click here to read up on Dr. Fernando’s upcoming documentary Smugglers and Refugees, and click here to check out his fashion line called Equality, where the proceeds go towards charities promoting love and fighting against hatred.

Try not to underestimate how impressive this is. Dr. Fernando works 7 days a week, literally. He doesn’t even have a home right now; he just lives out of his suitcases in different hotels where ever he travels to, yet he still manages to get passion projects out there like fashion designing and filmmaking. I truly, sincerely admire this man’s work ethic and who he is as a human being. Dr. Fernando is one of the greatest friends Kermit could ever have and I’m looking forward to him gracing the show with his presence once again in the near future.

The second big guest of the show couldn’t be any more different from Dr. Rajeev Fernando... it was none other than “Stuttering” John Melendez.

John Melendez is best known for his years working on The Howard Stern Show and for being the announcer on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. These days John hosts his own podcast on Youtube and gains attention on Twitter for his incessant anti-Trump tweets.

John actually has a history with Kermit and Friends. He made a couple of appearances on the old KAF, one where John helped a young man overcome his stutter and another where John hurt a young man’s feelings and Elisa obliterated John for it.

John and Elisa have since made up. Elisa kindly appeared on John’s podcast multiple times over the last few years. Unfortunately, it took a lot for Elisa to get John to come back on Kermit and Friends. First he backed out many months ago when Elisa didn’t go hiking with him, and then when Elisa asked him again recently to be a guest on KAF, John said only if Elisa would go to dinner with him first.... 

Well, John’s mistake was not including the word ‘alone’ in his proposal, which of course led to Elisa inviting a few of her friends, including Kleenex!

You read that right, Elisa and Kleenex met in person. No one has made more threats towards Elisa or cursed her out more times than Kleenex, yet she found a fun way to meet him with John’s bribe. Brilliant move on her part. Credit to Kleenex though, he was a perfect gentleman and a beam of joy from everything Elisa had to say. Good for him.

Kleenex didn’t have nice things to say about John, however. Apparently John ditched Kleenex with the bill and was in a miserable mood all night. Elisa said as soon as she walked in that John started complaining and throwing a hissy fit.

To make things worse, John cancelled his KAF appearance before the show began! He was doing a fantasy football draft and because it was running late, John texted Elisa that he wouldn’t be able to come on. That was so infuriating but in the end, John did show up and let me tell you... he put on quite a show.

John was very candor all afternoon long as he broke down his lawsuit against SiriusXM, he told stories about a crazed fan who sent him nude pictures and a gun pointing at him, he fought with Kermit’s friend SaiyanZ (now known as Yew Neek), etc. It was quite the interview between he and Elisa.

Surprisingly, a lot of people fell for John’s stories and were on his side. Arf Arf Bark Bark is a huge Stuttering John fan and admires his “honesty.” Kleenex, who started off the show hating John, was a big John fan by the end of the episode, calling in multiple times to kiss John’s rear end. Elisa remained pretty impartial, while Yew Neek wouldn’t budge an inch in his disdain for John.

John knew so much about Yew Neek it was unbelievable. This Yew Neek guy, aka Kyle, has a Youtube channel where he commentates on different things in the podcasting World, including John. Kyle isn’t a huge Youtuber by any means but he’s fairly well known with the Howard Stern fanbase because of his videos on Stern and the people associated with that show.

That said, I never heard of Kyle until he first made his debut on Kermit and Friends 10 months ago or so. I like him - he has a funny voice and his opinions are his own, he doesn’t follow the crowd (plus he’s complimentary towards Elisa and even donates to her, which is the quickest way win me over).

Anyway I’m talking way too much about Kyle - the point is, John knew Kyle’s real information, his arrest history, stuff about his family, all about Kyle’s videos... how in the World does John know all this stuff about this guy unless he’s completely enamored with him? John claims people send him the vids/info, but that’s most likely untrue and even if they do, John still reads and watches it all. A random Youtuber like Kyle shouldn’t be a blip on the radar for a self-proclaimed comedy headliner with hundreds of mind-blowing accomplishments John had ready to list off.

Gonzo also got under John’s skin with a phone call after John said he paid $300 for his kids college tuition. John meant to say he paid $300 a month for years in child support but because he misspoke, Gonzo asked a fair question and John went off the rails about it.

John has to be the most thin-skinned individual in Kermit and Friends history, but you know what? That’s what makes him AWESOME! And the perfect Kermitarian. When an anonymous chatter with one little troll comment can send you on a 5 minute tirade... you’re pretty unique when you also believe you’re a mega celebrity.

Honestly, I could make this the longest blog I’ve ever written breaking down everything Stuttering John and Dr. Fernando had to say because it was all so entertaining and intriguing, but I’ll keep it to this point. Both guys were terrific in their own way. What makes Kermit and Friends so special is the contrast of having two very different guests like that and how Elisa perfectly handles them both.

If you’re reading this as a true KAF fan, Welcome Back, Dr. Fernando Featuring Stuttering John is the absolute perfect episode for you to show a friend if you want them to be one of Kermit’s friends along with you. Please do it!

[recentanimenews]

Books, Reincarnation, and Sexy Authors: A Case for Dog & Scissors

  What's Up, Dawg?

  The only thing better than some light summer reading is some all-seasons anime viewing! But just as it's difficult to judge a book by its cover, it's also hard to tell at a glance if an anime is a good fit for all fans. Each week “Cruising the Crunchy-Catalog” provides additional info and cultural context for a title in Crunchyroll's online anime library in order to help viewers decide whether or not they'd like to try out an unknown series.

    What's Dog & Scissors?

  Dog & Scissors is 2013 TV anime with direction by Yukio Takahashi and animation by GONZO. It is based on the Inu to Hasami wa Tsukaiyo (“How to Use Dog & Scissors”) series of light novels written by Shunsuke Sarai and illustrated by Tetsuhiro Nabeshima, which are published in Japan by Enterbrain under their Famitsu Bunko imprint. Crunchyroll describes the story of Dog & Scissors as follows:

    One day, Harumi Kazuhito was killed in a robbery. However, his fascination with books allowed him to miraculously come back to life - as a dachshund dog. As he lamented his loss of ability to read books, before him appeared a sadistic woman, Natsuno Kirihime, who used scissors as a lethal weapon. But, not only can she hear Kazuhito's thoughts as a dog - she also happens to be a novelist he was a huge fan of. What is to become of this dog's life?

    Dog & Scissors is the story of an obsession with reading so strong that not even a shotgun blast to the face can stop it. It's a thoroughly odd comedy that explores grief, social ostracism, and sado-masochism as well as the pleasures of the creative process, the inner workings of publication, and the special relationship shared by authors and their readers.

  Supplementary Japanese Vocabulary: Tsundoku

  Have you ever purchased books with the intent of reading them, only to end up ignoring them in favor of purchasing more books, until your bookshelves are overflowing with stacks of unread material? The Japanese have a helpful phrase for this phenomenon: tsundoku, which is written with the Kanji characters for “reading” and “to pile up.”

    Under ordinary circumstances, main character Harumi Kazuhito could be said to suffer from tsundoku since he keeps an entire spare apartment room full of books, except that even when reincarnated in dachshund form, Harumi reads at a prodigious rate. A more apt example of tsundoku can be found in the READ OR DIE series with the character of Yomiko Readman.

    Nothing But a Hound Dog.

  Dog & Scissors is a comedy, and it makes extensive use of recurring jokes. Some of these gags – such as Harumi getting his fur snipped in embarrassing patterns for making fun of the size of Natsuno's breasts – are pretty well-worn in terms of comedic conventions, but the best gag in Dog & Scissors involves how it inverts the standard “manzai” pattern.

    Traditional manzai comedy features two performers: a boke (“fool”) who says and does ridiculous things and a tsukkomi (“straight man”) who acts as the voice of reason and reacts to the boke's foolishness, often with a snappy comeback that expresses surprise or incredulity. In Dog & Scissors, Harumi is the tsukkomi, meaning the show features a dachshund playing it straight in strange situations.

    Doggone Weirdness.

  If the particular breed of comedy in Dog & Scissors doesn't work for you, you may still enjoy watching the series simply to experience how truly, utterly weird it is: aside from the “reincarnated as a dog” premise, the show also features fights where people translate fiction into martial arts forms, a chainsaw-wielding little sister, and death-match style writing contests where the participants demonstrate legendary techniques and authorial superpowers.

    All of this is presented in a very matter-of-fact manner, which increases the sense of the bizarre. Sensitive viewers, take note: one of the characters in Dog & Scissors is a socially anxious and suicidal author whose struggles are played for laughs, so if this sort of material bothers you, it may be best to steer clear.

    The Dog Days of Summer.

  Crunchyroll currently streams Dog & Scissors in 76 territories worldwide, including the United States, Canada, Puerto Rico, Brazil, the United Kingdom, South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand. The series is available in the original Japanese language with English, Latin American Spanish, and Portuguese subtitles. Dog & Scissors is also released on home video in North America by Sentai Filmworks, and this version includes an English language dub.

    Dog & Scissors is definitely an acquired taste, and its eccentric style of humor may seem to some viewers to be barking up the wrong tree, but if you're in the mood for something that is unapologetically weird and if the series is available in your area, then please consider giving Dog & Scissors a try.

    Is there a series in Crunchyroll's catalog that you think needs some more love and attention? Please send in your suggestions via e-mail to cruisingcrunchy@gmail.com or post a Tweet to @gooberzilla. Your pick could inspire the next installment of “Cruising the Crunchy-Catalog”!

---

Paul Chapman is the host of The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast and GME! Anime Fun Time.

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[lettersfromleslie]

SUMMER HEAT / EMPTY STREETS / JUSTICE NOR PEACE IN SIGHT / BUT STEP RIGHT THIS WAY FOR THE ONLY SHOW IN TOWN

Hello again from the belly of the beast!

It’s been a weird, hot, bittersweet summer. The new abnormal has made itself at home, the phases of the ‘rona have been swimming by, and one way or another life’s gone on living… Just wanted to put down a quickish sketch of what that’s been like in our lovable ol meatgrinder N.Y.C.

The lil lady and I spent the three months from mid-March to June in lockdown. I talked about all that plenty in my last post. It was a very surreal and foggy phase for us and looking back it’s hard to form a clear picture of what we did or how we felt. I think that fogginess has a lot to do with the mood swings, the phases of the news cycle, the ever-evolving picture we had of the world and our place in it… I kept my sanity by working on the album. It was good to have a mission in that. It was good too that I’d done the crowdfund and people had already paid for the damn thing, which kept me from slacking off too much. When I wrote my last post on May 2nd I was feeling quite blocked-up and discouraged because I wasn’t getting my takes, but then towards the end of May things started falling into place and before I knew it I had the whole album on tape. And whaddaya know, I think it’s a pretty good one! Probably the best one I’ve done. It was the first time I deliberately set out to write and deliver an album on a schedule, setting my dates without having the material in place, and I think that led to it being a very tight, compact statement. Of course the songs wound up being a bit more introspective and quarantine-y than planned, but that’s just how she goes, eh?

I wrapped up recording work around the beginning of June. That coincided with the period that Ariel and I started really venturing out again - starting on May 29th when we first joined the BLM protests against police brutality. I have to admit it doesn’t come naturally to me to talk about the protests online - not because it’s not important, but because I’m unsure if my voice would be as meaningful or articulate as the voices of those who are speaking from a lifetime of experience. Everyone’s feeds are already flooded with this stuff, and being a vaguely foreign white boy with an escapist bent there seems so little use in me going up and taking the mic. I'd just be repeating what I'd had to learn from others.

But that said - taking part in the protests was absolutely eye-opening. The energy and anger and emotion were relentless, and the demands for fairness and justice were so obvious, so simple to understand, and just so plainly the right thing to do. Which made it all the more incredible that it didn’t seem to affect those we were protesting in the slightest. I naively thought that the NYPD would at the very least be eager to put it out there that they, too, were against the indiscriminate killing of unarmed people, black or otherwise. I thought they’d take a knee with us. Not out of the goodness of their hearts, necessarily - but still, maybe just for the sake of PR. Intead we got to watch them go out of their way to perform live demonstrations of what we were protesting against over and over again… That’s to say my skinny white ass got a real crash-course in the harsh realities. We got kettled, intimidated with helicopters, we watched people get rounded up and beaten with batons for violating the 8PM curfew, we were there when that cop car rammed into a group of protesters on Flatbush Avenue… We also saw the looting, and the cop cars on fire, and the trash fires all along Broadway and on Union Square.

What can I say about it? It was fucked. It’s fucked. To be treated as an enemy by the police for protesting police violence. What else to assume than that they were taking the side of violence? They acted more like heavily-armed counter-protesters than peacekeepers. And of course it all led me to examine my own life and the advantages I’ve had. If you’ve been following me over the years you know I’ve always made a point of organizing my life in such a way that I have room to kinda detach from modern life and dream. And I used to think everyone could just do that. I was always proselytizing about it when I was a kid. “Just go live it!” All the while unthinkingly accepting the free passes that society would give me. Playing the free-spirited ragamuffin, simply expecting the world to recognize me in my role - and the world did! - while in a different body I wouldn’t have been recognized. That’s clear enough. So what kind of hypocrite would I be if I wasn’t out shouting for the same freedoms for my fellow humans? It’s something of a karmic debt at this point.


While all this was going on I also had to be dealing with my money situation, which was getting pretty bad. For reasons you can imagine I wasn’t in a place where I could apply for unemployment or any other kind of government assistance. My album crowdfund, the livestreams, and a little help from family and friends had seen me through the worst of the lockdown, but by the end of June I really had to start busking again. Sink or swim.

So, back to old Wash Square. That park has been through some phases in 2020, lemme tell you. It started out seriously mad. When I first started busking again the protests were still going full blast. March after march would weave in and out of the park, speeches were held, kneel-ins, sit-ins, you name it. I’d play the lulls. Around mid-July that righteous energy started making way for some seriously weird craziness. The NYPD had by this point stopped enforcing any of the usual small stuff and the Weird Ones had taken note. A squatter who called himself Jesus built a permanent home for himself and his followers in the fountain. Noise complaints were a thing of the past. Fights and brawls galore. Drugs, nudity, raves, and a riotous fuckitall feeling in the air, masks off, hands on, summer of mad recklessness. Me and my quarantine brain weren’t quite equipped to join the fray. I just kinda nervously skitted around the edges of it, yodeling here and there. Bit absent I was, maybe, but how can you go carefree gonzo when doing so means constantly risking killing someone’s granny by accident? I kept my social distance. There were some bad encounters. Bottles thrown at me while playing. Got assualted by some nut outside the W4st subway station, yanking me by the hair, punching me in the noggin. It was clear to anyone out there that the police had thrown their hands up at the situation and were letting people find out what life was like without them. As far as I could make out this unofficial police strike emboldened both the bad guys and the protesters without getting the cops anything. They might’ve been hoping the resident bougies would put their foot down one way or another, bark up the food chain some, but forget about it. There wasn’t much backlash or pushback from these upstanding, tax-paying pillars of society - they all just skipped town and headed for greener pastures. This mass exodus of wealth which had seemed temporary back in April started really accelerating around this point and by now the absence has started to feel permanent. If there’s any force of NIMBYism left in the Village I haven’t seen it. Those who have stayed on seem to have adopted a live-and-let-die approach. Aside from the fairy-lighted open-air restaurant patios with their potted plants and plexiglass dividers the streets belong to the people again, for better or for worse.

Personally, I don’t mind at all. Why should I? The money’s tough, but hell. I’ve always been broke. I’ve spent all my seven years in this city staring up at the rungless ladder which is Manhattan. If it can stop being a playground for the rich, it might become a place where I could actually hope to live someday.

Anyway, the last month has seen a sort of stabilization of the status quo. Some of the park regulars are back. R&B Lee, who used to be stuck down underground in the W4st subway station, has made a permanent place for himself and his giant PA on the western corner of the fountain. Jimmy the drummer is out all the time with a revolving cast of players. There are DJ sets on weekends and they get loud as all hell. So music’s back, but it’s a different world, and a much louder one. I’ve taken to playing in the small circle of benches on the western side of the park. There’s really not much space for unamplified music; the regular acoustic jam sessions have moved to other, more private locations and Colin Huggins, the park’s much-beloved pianist-in-residence, has more or less given up for the time being. Johan the living statue is out again much of the time. The portrait artists and street art sellers and fortune tellers are back, but the park poets are still in absence, probably conferring with their muses. Check out this article by Charlie Crespo with photos of some of the characters who are out and about.

Meanwhile the atmosphere out there is weird, anarchic, and sorta wonderful if you’re into that sort of thing. I guess I am. You won’t get bored hanging out on Washington Square in the summer of 2020, that’s for sure. Different threads of activism and action going on in every corner, friendships forged, love-ins, creativity, occasional bad chaos and ill energy, along with a good helping of just regular old hedonism in radical trappings. For a while there were great crowds of activist kids sleeping on the lawns and yakking all night about the revolution… The cops put a stop to that one, started clearing everyone out of the park again at midnight. Honestly a lot of it feels like what I always imagined the sixties might’ve been like. I’ve often looked at it a wee bit wistfully wishing I could be twenty again for it, with a head full of hot air and a fabulous tolerance for risk, instead of with bills to pay, dwindling resources, and a partner & a cat to look after. Oh, but I’ll be alright.

To everyone who’s still in NYC and has been worried about going out in public: if your health & conscience permit, come to the park sometime & let me sing a song for ya. I mean, do it responsibly - don that mask, bring your hand sanitizer, observe that distance - but New Yorkers have been knocking it out of the park when it comes to beating the virus, and that means the risks are lower and going out is almost as safe as it used to be. The park has plenty of room to socially distance. No one will bother you about it if you bring a picnic blanket and a bottle of something. The subway is safer to travel on than you might expect. The nights are hot and humid and saturated with all the great unknown we’re traveling through together.

And as far as I can make out, it’s the only show in town!

[lavenderprose]

"under skies never seen by waking eyes"

This title reminds me of the Wallander opening theme so, like...crime drama AU? Crime drama AU.

Specifically, probably the crime drama AU that I played around with back when I binge-watched Hannibal at the beginning of the summer, which went something along the lines of:

Yuuri, a profiler with the FBI, was recently taken off of active duty because of a mental break he experienced due to a recent traumatic case. He’s been off-duty for a few months now, but they’re reinstating him because there’s a serial killer in Virginia, one of the worst and most prolific in American history, and they’re getting close to finding them--but they need a profiler and not just any profiler--one of the best profilers. 

“Why me?” he asks Yakov Feltsman, who’s the head of the FBI and has come to his house to personally ask for his help. “Why not Giacometti. Or one of the Crispinos.”

“We’re bringing them in, too,” Feltsman says. “We’re bringing in the best we’ve got. And you’re one of them, Katsuki, whether you like it or not. I’m here to ask you to head a team of our six best profilers--and I can’t take no for an answer.”

So Yuuri goes--he and his team set up in their own little corner of Quantico; himself, Chris Giacometti, Phichit Chulanont, the Crispino twins, and JJ Leroy. 

And then, there is Doctor Viktor Nikiforov--a Russian ex-pat psychologist who, rumor has it, served out his compulsory Russian military service as one of the top interrogators for GRU.

“Why is he here?” Yuuri hears Michele muttering to Sara at one point, during a long night when their only sustenance has been the vending machine two floors down. “That Russian guy. He gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

“It probably has something to do with the nine books he’s written on the psychology of serial killers,” Sara says to him, “and the fact that he’s Feltsman’s nephew.”

“A guy who thinks like a serial killer for a living?” Michele mutters. “And he’s not a suspect?”

Sara raises her eyebrow. “Pot and kettle, Micky. And for the record, I think that’s the point--everyone in this room has gone way further down the rabbit hole than any sane person should. Maybe Nikiforov is here to make sure it’s not one of us.”

Viktor Nikiforov is mysterious, and probably not trustworthy, but Yuuri gravitates towards him like a moth to flame. 

“So are you here to make sure we don’t all go gonzo and kill each other?” Yuuri straight-up asks him one day, and Viktor barks out a surprised laugh. 

“I would be lying if I said no,” Viktor says, “but I would also be lying if I said yes.”

Yuuri raises an eyebrow. “Did you get that answer out of a magic eight ball? Should i shake you to get a different answer?”

Viktor laughs again. Yuuri doesn’t think he’s seen him laugh before. It takes away some of the severity, and makes him actually look like he’s in his early thirties--the constant, considering wrinkles on his forehead add ten years when present.

“I know it sounds rather ostentatious,” Viktor says, “but I really can’t tell you anything else.”

“What can you tell me, then?”

Viktor’s eyes are very blue, and very intelligent as they roam over Yuuri’s face before he finally says, “That if you really wanted to--you’re a good enough profiler to figure out everything about me that you want to know.”

When all signs start pointing towards someone within the investigation being the suspect, Viktor comes under immediate fire--and Yuuri has to choose which side he lies on. 

“Why should I trust you?” Yuuri demands, standing tucked in a corner of Viktor’s office, Viktor pleading with him through long lashes and platinum fringe.

“I can’t tell you anything that would answer that question for you,” Viktor says. “You have to make that decision yourself. But I want you to know, Yuuri--I have never lied to you.”

And Yuuri, who doesn’t think he has ever truly trusted somebody in his adult life, believes him. 

[imtoffe]

Apologize Frog

Apologize Frog

Chapter 2

After the two movies and snacks gone Kermit and Miss piggy cuddled with each other until Kermit broke the ice. "Piggy..." Kermit mumbled " It's getting pretty late" Piggy sighed rubbing his chest "So?"

The frog rapped his arm around the swine "So? If we don't go to bed we'll be tired and if we're tired we can't have a good day at the movies, the boat ride or even ..."

"Alright mon captain" she cooed "but can we snuggle before?" This

"Oh, sure Piggy" he rubbed his hand up her arm beginning the snuggle session until Miss Piggy stopped him. She stood and walked up to their room" in bed kermie...snuggle in bed" she said. The frog blushed deeply not knowing how to take it he stammered "I -I I yes, I mean maybe we c-could I mean!.."

Piggy giggled " vous are so cute when you're flustered, "she said waving him to come upstairs with her. The frog stared as she walked upstairs "w-wait!" The frog sprang to his feet and hurried after her.

Piggy was in the bathroom when Kermit entered the room "uh, piggy?"

"Just freshening up Mon captain !" She said through the door "Just wait for moi on the bed please."

The frog sat on the corner of the bed wondering what's she's was doing.

Miss Piggy came out the bathroom she was now in purple skimpy neglasha that glittered in the dim light, her hair was tied in a messy bun with a magenta ribbon.

"So? Kermie " piggy said then twirled "Do vous like it ?"

Kermit's heart went pitter-pat when he saw what his partner was wearing " I I Piggy you look beautiful.." the frog said at last. She blushed than walked to the bed laying down next to the frog. Her warm skin rubbed against his cool skin making him shiver a bit, piggy nuzzled her head Into his side"oh mon captain" she cooed " whisper sweet nothings in moi's ear." She gently pulled Kermit down to the bed as he told her little nothings.

"Mmm Kermie " said the swine as the frog began to playfully nibble on her ears, she sighed rubbing her silky hands on his back and neck.

"Kermit..." she said just below a whisper.

He paused then looked at her face

"kiss me " she demanded

The frogs' face flushed as Miss Piggy leaned in for a kiss.

As if on cue, Kermit's phone began to ring. Piggy sighed and broke from his hold as Kermit reached for his phone " Hi ho Kermit the frog here!" He said into the device; It was Fozzie "Uh hey Kermit...uhh we have a little problem at the boarding house" the bear began.

As Kermit continued his conversation miss piggy began to prepare for bed.

12 minutes later

"I'll...no Fozzie it's alright we were just...I'll handle it first thing tomorrow...yeah...don't worry about it... goodnight" The frog placed his phone on the nightstand "Sorry about that piggy but you won't believe..." he was cut off by her shifting in bed clearly sleeping. Kermit kissed her forehead and went to sleep as well.

The next day

Kermit woke up to the sound of his alarm clock that miss Piggy hated so much. He stretched and saw that his partner wasn't in bed; she usually sleeps till noon. Kermit walked into the bathroom downstairs and washed his face "I wonder where Piggy is" he thought to himself just then he heard barking a giggling. The amphibian walked into the living area, to see miss piggy playing and babying her dog foo foo. "Well you're up early" The frog began " and I thought foo foo was at a pet therapy."

The diva turned to look at her frog "Oh Kermit I got a call telling me that foo foo was ready to be picked up aaand she's cured of her aversion to green things" Piggy picked up a green ball that she previously destroyed from the coffee table and placed it in front of foo foo. The poodle sniffed the ball than held it in her mouth with a muffled bark, waiting for approval from piggy. "See? Oh, that's a good girl foo foo" as the porcine diva praised her dog Kermit smiled. He loved seeing her vulnerable side.

Later that morning Kermit had made breakfast for the two of them and gave foo foo her special made dog food. There was a little tension in the air from piggy "So, piggy" he started " I thought you wanted to um..snuggle uh last night? You sorta went to bed after the phone call."

Miss Piggy shrugged and continued to drink her latte with reading a Vogue magazine "I guess I got tired" she said flipping through. Before he could say anything else he got a text message from scooter.

-Hey chief where are you?? I think Gonzo broke his nose uhh get here soon

From scooter

"What the hay?" He mumbled than finished his breakfast "I need to get going, they guys have some sort of problem at the boarding house " he said kissing her forehead and heading out the door. "Kermit!" The diva exclaimed

The frog turned about "yes piggy ?" "You said we're going on a date today" she said. "Uh come on piggy we can talk about this later" said the frog "I'll call you when I get there."

After he closed the door the house was silent. Piggy put her magazine down and sighed "well foo foo " she bends over and picked up her dog "how about a girls day with mommy instead?" Foo foo wagged her tail in agreement "Alright then" miss piggy said sitting her down "go fetch you leash and I'll get my purse."

@twofrogsandapig

[pommunism]

a VERY important intro post about my pets

CATS

Sugar. 17yo grey tabby female who gets compliments every vet visit because she doesn’t look old at all. used to be very fat, now has a lot of loose squishable flab after losing weight. outgoing, big attitude, drama queen. drools when she’s happy. purrs constantly. bites out of love. fueled by spite.

Samoa. ~10yo black female. obese. used to belong to my nana. a little timid, but very sweet and friendly. easy target for bully cats.

Furby. 9yo himalayan female. bitter bitch club. very hairy. cat aggressive, people lover. disgusting fur because she never washes. whiny meow. on prozac. still my baby.

Phineas. 7yo brown tabby male. weirdly big eyes. severely allergic to fleas, still regrowing hair from january. extremely fearful, but will become creepily smitten with you once you win him over. has no concept of boundaries.

Gonzo. 4yo brown and white tabby male. big and plush. never has any idea what’s going on, lives in a constant state of crisis. hates being held, loves being pet and complimented. says “MROW” all the time. doesn’t get along great with other cats because he’s a princely boy but there has been improvement. terrified of shoes.

Francine. 3yo long-haired grey tabby female. a tomboy princess. hates being approached but will rub all over you once you settle down. huge irresistible bunny feet. enjoys being teased and manhandled for reasons unclear. makes a “meep meep” sound when she meows. peed on my laundry once. 

Squid. 1.5yo brown tabby male. a huge dick. always into shit or starting shit. rarely seeks affection yet has separation anxiety and follows me around constantly. never warms up to strangers. love him anyway.

DOGS

Peyton. 7yo orange sable male pom. used to be very fat but thanks to a strict diet is now just normal fat. loves attention. very sweet. doesn’t like to be held or snuggled. has highly selective hearing. has the worst bark known to man.

Pika. 7yo orange female pom. the apple of my eye. perfectly round. an affectionate lap dog. has nothing going on upstairs. epilepsy, hypothyroidism, arthritis, anxiety, periodontal disease. hates the outdoors. will continue to bark two hours after the alleged danger has passed.

Tetra. 2yo cream sable she-devil pom. perpetual toddler. uses her feet to do everything. will pull your hand back to her belly if you stop rubbing her. loves to play esp with her tennis ball. favorite toy is currently a squeaky ball shaped like a chicken. talks a big game but turns tail the moment the vacuum comes out.

GUINEA PIGS

Pepper. 4.5yo black and gold male. beautiful and soft. has long hair on his butt that trails elegantly behind him. docile. cute nose.

Chili. 4.5yo black and gold female with rosettes. kind of a dick. big attitude. refuses to comply with anything.

Sage. 4.5yo black and gold female. definitely a dick. big attitude. refuses to comply with anything. bullies baby sister.

Nutmeg. 4yo black and gold female. not a dick. shy but mostly docile.

Basil. 4yo gold and black male with rosettes. weird and high-strung but mostly docile. 

CHINCHILLAS

Skittles. 12yo grey creature of unknown gender. looks like a powderpuff after its dust bath. sweet but kind of depressed because it hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves. has no idea i’ve ordered new cage parts and toys including a saucer to make its life 100x cooler.