#gonna write gonna do my book journal gonna see a movie maybe

[maladjustedchangeling]

Resisting the spiral of thinking that I have to optimize my three-day weekend and relax in the most productive way possible.

[bmpmp3]

sorry to be a bit of a hater but i do wish youtubers weren't so scared of making their videos just like, "reviews", whys everything gotta be a "video essay" all the time. every day my recommendations are filled with 40 minute videos titled "_____: An Underrated Masterpiece" where the first like five minutes are reading the wikipedia definition of "masterpiece" in a somber voice with dramatic themed text on screen. please just tell me how good or bad you think something is and use the rest of the runtime to explain why. you dont need to put on all these airs

[cheyisagirlkisser]

.・College Ellie Headcannons゜・

Note: This is more loser Ellie-centric, I wanna maybe do a part two with just reader and her. Some sexual content and mentions of getting zooted below so 18+ warning!

•Art major, but she’s not the typical hot artsy lesbian you dream of her to be. More like rolls a fat blunt and sketches in her journal, it’ll either turn out to be a masterpiece or look like a crackhead had a go with her paper.

•Speaking of art major, when she’s horny and frustrated because she refuses to hook-up…she draws the lewdest art known to woman-kind. Those are her real masterpieces, but she can’t exactly turn them in for credit in her art class, can she? Fuck, the things that woman can make, though. Lowkey uses her exes naked bodies as inspiration though, maybe kind of weird but who’s gonna stop her?

•Doesn’t eat the food on campus half the time. She is embarrassingly addicted to Tai Pei containers and the occasional microwavable egg-roll. “That shit’s nasty, Ellie! Goddamn, just eat the Tacos 4 Life we have on campus.” Her friends will all tell her, but no. It’s like a guilty pleasure. Maybe it’s cause she grew up lower class and is used to TV dinners, has a special trauma bond to food that should be banned and probably is outside of America.

•Wardrobe consists of band tees, honorable mentions to Gorillaz and Falling in Reverse.

•Is actually an insanely talented writer. After reading her journals I feel like nobody talks about how emotional her entries are and she keeps a journal of her own in college for sure, not only for sketching and organizing art but also to write all her feelings out.

“Fuck me, this is my last year being gay.” -After her and Cat’s break-up, probably.

•Hates coffee. Definitely game-cannon, but this is important to the college setting. It’s the classic Monster or nothing, and she will absolutely judge you for drinking coffee. She calls it “the devil’s dirt.” So dramatic.

•Used to watch bad Hallmark movies because of Dina, now watches them alone because she misses Dina. There’s nothing like crying your eyes out to Christmas Under Wraps!

•Has a collection of rubber ducks on her shelf. Doesn’t use her very small space for normal things like her wallet or books, no. It’s rubber fucking ducks.

•Also has a slipper collection in her tiny closet, from Pikachu all the way to dinosaur feet.

•Has the “two-seater” t-shirt (iykyk) but refuses to wear it in public because she’s a pussy

•Favorite fruit is grapes. I just know my girl loves grapes when she can get her hands on them steer clear bc she will NOT share. Favorite candy is gummy worms!

•Actually wears rain boots when it’s wet outside or snowing

•Likes wired earbuds over airpods, listens to Pearl Jam when she misses living with Joel

•Is oddly good at making those little paper stars and has a huge grocery bag of then in all different patterns and colors

•When she starts dating you she shows you her dinosaur cookie-cutter collection because you're really good at baking. (Also bc she wants to see you in a frilly cute apron!)

•Is a slut for hugs. Kisses are cool, sex is great but agghhh Ellie just loves wrapping her arms around you and sometimes when you two are in her dorm she'll just hug you for what feels like hours on end, she calls it her 'weekly therapy.'

•Loves high sex because when she's sober she hates feeling like she's awkward or all up in her head. She also has a tendency to invite you over for sex after smoking.

•Has a septum piercing. Maybe this one is self-indulgent because I would go ballistic over seeing actual Ellie with one, but I say that college Ellie got hers pierced at 16 and didn't cry over the pain but wanted to literally jump off of a bridge the entire healing process it was so bad.

•Sometimes when you kiss her, her septum will slide over and look uneven and she feels fucking NIGERIA FALLS in her boxers when you fix it for her. Also for those of you who are sluts for glasses, you can fix her glasses too and it'll make her just as weak.

[inumakis-boo]

May I have some dating Toge Inumaki headcanons? Both sfw and NSFW... If you're comfortable.

TOGE INUMAKI ♫₊˚.🎧 ✧💬

headcanons 𓍢ִ˖ hello and thank you for the requests! i am current rediting all of my posts, so if this looks a little different than when you first saw it, thats the reason why!

anyways, i hope all of you enjoy! and if course, NSFW will be tagged and is written for a female perspective.

safe for work headcanons

- would probably not notice each other the first time you meet, maybe an interested glance but it doesn't really hit until the second or third time that he really sees you

- probably asks for your number just so yall can talk better, and once you do, its an instant connection. he literally wouldnt be able to stop, staying up all night to text you

- texts you out of the blue, and although probably feels embarrassed to double text, he is just that interested in you

- would totally deliever a bag of goodies he bought at the store for you, and additionally maybe offer to make you a lunch to try before he makes it for everyone else

- you comment on one of his t-shirts he wears and he puts it in one of the goodie bags he buys you, doused in his cologne because he wants you to think of him

- would totally send annoying memes and tiktoks and bully you over text, also play 8-ball COMPETITIVELY cause he aint gonna lose to you (he doesnt even pity lose to you)

- shows up unannounced just to kiss you in the door frame of your dorm room as a goodnight and then leaves you there

- that is until you invite him over to your dorm at night and he brings post-it notes and teaches you his semi-bilingual language for easier understanding, and utterly loves you for it

- the talking stage would be him just pining over you cosntantly, writing it all down in journals or in his notes app

- after yall started dating, it is very much a no public affection mostly because he doesnt want anybody to be in your business. especially with his noisy ass friends

- but no matter what, he is going to hold your hand, especially when going on dates and walking around campus at night (would definitely talk u into sneaking out)

- he would be hesistant to kiss you even after yall became offical, probably go a few weeks before you just say it straight that you want him to kiss you and you dont even get it all out before hea pinning you to a door and giving you the best kiss of your life

- would absolutely use his speech on you so you cannot resist it when he tickles you or when you are beating him in a game

- he is not the sappiest guy, but if you start to get sappy over a movie or a sad book, he will rub your back and give you head-kisses to help you feel better

below is not safe for work content. mdni.

not safe for work headcanons

- you find out very quickly into the relationship that he cannot resist a challenge of any kind. therefore, using that to your advantage always works out

- challenging him through text to sneak out of his dorm will work, but ofc he wants a prize at the end (you are on your knees for the next hour)

- the benefit of his speech is that you don't feel any fatigue whatsoever during its use, so that makes it really easy to make your body endure while you deep-throat him over and over.

- it doesn't diminish the pleasure though; being told to stay still while he fondles your chest takes away nothing from the experience, and he knows how much you like having no choice.

- not that even if it was tiring, you wouldn't let him throat-fuck you, the noises he makes are heavenly for someone who can't speak straight, the struggle of watching him grip the bedframe and biting his lips so he doesn't utterly ruin you is SO worth a bruised throat.

- he might be nervous to use his speech on you the first time, but after you make sure that you can handle it, its becomes so much more confident in using it

- he loves making out with you, he loves making your lips red with all the biting, he wants to see them glossy and wet right before he puts his fingers in your mouth (you know where they are going next)

- sexting is so fun, yall thought it might be cringy, but its literally the best when he calls you with a command and he gets to listen to you whimper and moan as he jerks off to it, can be totally unexpected

- "Ride me."

- hand on your thigh when nobody can see, and his pinky is awfully close to your panties that it makes you nervous.

- ofc he can easily make you cum, but will he always let you? not without a cute little 'please' hes not. begging is fun, isnt it?

- lets be honest, the dick game is so good he don't even have to tell you to go to sleep after

- ofc he would definitely lay it down on you exactly how he described through text, and then clean you with special wipes he bought from the store because he aint a dickhead, duh.

I have so many more, especially for different situations, so lmk if you want more! Thank u for all the support as of recently!

bye pookies!

[seokmn]

chapter VIII : beers and late night talks

wc: 1.1k words

“so,” you said after taking a sip of your beer, looking at the night sky above you and seokmin, “one of my friends found his soulmate today”

seokmin only nodded, taking a sip of his beer before speaking up, “did it bother you? the fact that another person in your life found their soulmate and you still have no string with someone?”

“yes and no. im happy for him, i truly am.. but i got a bit jealous, not gonna lie. i felt the need to have the same experience, you know?” you looked down and scoffed, “ive always been so nonchalant about the fact that i dont have a soulmate, i always thought ‘oh, thats fine. i can still live my life’, but the past couple days ive been finding myself thinking about it, watching couples from far away… it kinda sucks”

“what if you were never okay with it? what if you were lying to yourself this whole time? or maybe you were fine with it because of your friends’ support, but sometimes only support is not enough?”

you looked at him and he looked back at you, his facial features glowing in the moonlight, you looked back to your lap and then to the city view, “maybe its a bit of all that you said.. i dont know. its not like im dying to have a soulmate, i just wish i knew how it feels to be loved, but i avoid getting into relationships”, you sighed, “i think that we can fall in love and people can fall in love with us, i truly believe we can have happy relationships with other people, even if theyre not our soulmate, but the relationship wont last long because those people are not made for us. we are destined to die without a lover, so all we can do is enjoy the short moments those people can give to us and we can give to them”

“so why do you avoid getting into relationships?”, seokmin leaned closer to you, his eyes full of curiosity as he took another sip of his beer.

“because if i fall in love with them i wont be able to move on. you see, every person has their own identity, their own opinions, their own habits that can be so dear to me. you can never replace anyone.. it hurts too much having to let someone go and leave someone," you fixed yourself in your chair, "there's a quote of one of my favorite movies that i really relate to, 'i tend to see in people little details, specific to each of them that move me and that i miss, and ill probably always miss'. i had a lot of platonic relationships that didnt work out, fake friends, etc.. and it hurt too much when they came to an end. if it hurts me so bad losing a friend, can you imagine how losing a loved one will destroy me? i’d rather stay lonely than go from relationship to relationship just because the cant stay. i know none of them is the one for me, because i dont have ‘the one’ and im nobody's 'the one'”

“woah…” seokmin leaned back in the chair and looked at you with wide eyes and you chuckled, “i think i went too far, didnt i?”

“a bit, but i liked your thought about it”

“what about you? why are you in a relationship if she already has a soulmate?”

“because.” seokmin sighed, “okay, not only because. its complicated, she used to be the only one who knew that i dont have a soulmate before you come to my life, but there’s a reason for why we date.” he paused, clearly wanting to change the subject, “...why do you work at a bookstore? is it your dream or…?”

you shook your head, “my dream is to write a book about my life as someone who doesn’t have a soulmate, but i think im still too young and too naive to write a book about it yet. i want my book to be life changing to the readers, just like the one i gave you was to me”

“i think your thoughts about it are quite interesting, so why not write now?”, he asked opening another can of beer and handing it to you, you mumbled a thank you and took a deep breath, “i have a journal just to write about this ever since i turned 18, but writing a book is something else, is something way more serious. i want people to praise my writing, to praise my thoughts and my work in general, i still need to practice my writing and all of that. but what about your dream?”

“im already living my dream,” seokmin smiled, “im an actor, i act in musicals”

“really?! are you famous? i never heard about you, at least i think so, maybe i just forgot..”

“how do i say that im famous without sounding like im bragging?” you both chuckled, “i’m also known as dokyeom”

you gasped, recognizing the name dokyeom, “my best friend went to your musical! she loved it!”, seokmin smiled shyly, “im glad to know she loved it”

“im sorry i didn’t recognize you, but i know nothing about the musical theatre industry and i never really payed attention to it…”

“its okay, it felt good to be treated as a 'normal' person, please don’t change just because im famous”

“relax, im not like that”, as you said that, you saw seokmin sighing in relief and you chuckled at the sight of him being relieved.

you two kept talking until late at night, if it wasn’t by your constant yawns, the conversation would keep going until the sunrise.

“you seem quite tired, we should call this a day”

“i agree.. im almost sleeping here”, you chuckled, “im sorry for ruining the night again. i really wanted to keep going with the conversation”

“come on, dont say that. im getting sleepy as well and the night has been nothing but amazing. its quite late now, do you want me to walk you home?”

you shook your head, “i dont want to bother you”

“please, i want to make sure you get home safe”

“okay, if you insist.. lets go, its not far away from here”

he nodded and you two left the rooftop of the bookstore, going outside the place and starting to walk towards your house right after you locked the bookstore. the comforting silence filled the air, but you noticed that from time to time seokmin would look at you, as if he wanted to say something, but he would always end up looking away and remaining silent.

after a few minutes of walking you suddenly stopped and looked at him with a smile on your face, “its here”, seokmin looked at the house and smiled a bit, “so i guess i should get going. it was great seeing you, yn”

“it was great seeing you as well, seokmin. bye!” you waved at him as he started to walk away.

seokmin called a cab and during the whole drive he couldnt stop thinking about you and your words, he admired how you were such an interesting person, he also thought a lot about how cute you looked while you explained to him why you didnt want to write your book just yet and while he was walking you home. fuck, what if he is becoming attracted to you?

prev - next

INVISIBLE STRING

in a world where when you turn 18 you share an invisible string with your soulmate that only you and your respective soulmate can see it, seokmin, also known as dokyeom, is an actor in the musical theatre world that doesnt have a soulmate and keep it as a secret. meanwhile, yn works in a bookstore and doesnt seem bothered at all by the fact of not sharing a string with someone. is it possible to change the destiny and find your soulmate even tho you dont share the invisible string with anyone?

[tabbywaslost]

Maybe killermare fluff headcanons?

Of course!!

1.

Killer sometimes uses Nightmare's tentacles as monkey bars or as slides when he is bored.

2.

Whenever Nightmare reads a book, Killer sits besides him trying to catch up to him reading because Nightmare can read REAL fast and Killer hates books but loves Nightmare.

3.

They are always sitting besides each other in all gatherings and everything. If the place is crowded, they will not leave each other's side no matter what happens.

4.

MY OWN MULTIVERSE!

They became a couple after The Fallen Star Sanses era. During that era, everyone helped each other out but Killer was different from everyone else when it came to Nightmare. Since Nightmare turned back into his passive form, he was powerless but Killer sorta became his personal guard and literally didn't leave Nightmare in any way possible and even got severely injured and almost killed while protecting Nightmare but he didn't stop. And Nightmare just realized that that man would actually do anything for him no matter what. He realized that Killer would even sacrifice himself for him. And also, Killer was able to get away with constantly flirting with Nightmare without having to run away before he gets a good verbal punishment because Nightmare had stopped physically punishing them by then.

5.

Their wedding was somewhat themed. It had references to their fav movies and fav books, and they requested that everybody wear silver or grey colors to their wedding because Killer was gonna wear black and Nightmare was gonna wear white. The best man at Killer's side was Color and the best man and Nightmare's side was Dream. Dream took the microphone for a long time though and started going on and on about his fun memories as a kid with Nightmare, how he wishes them happiness, and a lot, lot more. He was talking for nearly 2 hours until Cross pulled him aside. He continued talking to all the guests after the ceremony and nobody really complained, they were all happy to see him so hyped up at his brother's wedding.

6.

Nightmare took a sewing course from Error and made Killer a new jacket. Killer absolutely treasures that jacket more than he treasures his own life and only wears it on special occasions, absolutely REFUSING to wear it on missions because it could be harmed.

7.

When they first got together, Nightmare decided to keep it secret due to him not knowing how to tell the others yet. Some figured it out and some were in denial upon figuring out but nonetheless, everybody knew so there was no need to announce it and so they didn't announce it and just kept it as is.

8.

Since Nightmare has no prior relationship experience and is somewhat clueless on what to do when it comes to a relationship so Killer takes lead and does most of the relationship stuff. Nightmare sometimes takes inspiration from some of the characters in the books he reads and says some insanely affectionate stuff but gets INSANELY flustered upon hearing and "I love you" from Killer. Nightmare showers Killer with all sorts of gifts too.

9.

Nightmare and Killer have a small game that they play where they get an empty journal that's about 60-80 pages and they pick out characters names and places, then Nightmare writes on the first page and Killer writes on the next without knowing what Nightmare has written. The only information Nightmare gives him is what characters are in the previous page and where they are and Killer has to go off of that and write page 2, then it's Nightmare's turn for page 3, etc. And when they finish it, they sit down and read the absolute monstrosity that they wrote and laugh their heads off because the characters can be fighting to death in one page and kissing in the next.

10.

On nights where one of them can't sleep, he'll wake up the other and they'll just have long conversations about everything. Good memories, bad memories, conspiracy theories, gossip, etc.

I'm so sorry this is late, I was very busy and burnt out. My apologies!!

[frankenstein-ate-my-left-shoe]

i'm outta my head over you Pt. 1

On AO3 here: i'm outta my head over you

prologue/pt. 1 to my @steddie-week 2023 entry! i'm doing a part/chap to the same fic for each day so pt. 2 will also be up at the same time as this!

there's also a playlist that i'm going to be updating daily with each day's songs :o) you can find it here

hope you enjoy!

Steve has been listening to the same tape over and over again for the last month.

Robin realizes it's the same one when they hang at Steve’s one day. They mean to watch a movie or something but end up in his room (Robin laying across his bed on her back reading a magazine and Steve hunched over his desk writing something in that little journal he’s been carrying around lately), when she starts listening a bit closer to the tape Steve has playing.

��Did you really take this out of your car with you?” It has to be the same one. Must’ve grabbed it on his way out of the car. She always gets out before him.

Steve his face turns pink. “..No.”

“What’s the deal with this tape?” she sits up and takes in his flustered face. “Oh my god!” She gasps, “Someone made this for you didn’t they? Who is it? Is it someone I know?”

He scoffs. “Oh yeah. You know them very well.”

“Oh. My. God. Did Nancy give it to you?”

“What? No! You think Nancy Wheeler would make me a mixtape ?”

“Well, I would say one of the kids but these are all cheesy love songs, so not them, and I’m guessing it wasn’t one of the girls you’ve managed to score a single date with either. If it was one of them they’d definitely be a stalker and you wouldn’t be listening to this so much.”

“Also the fact that I agreed it was someone you know very well.”

“Was it Jonathan? Or Eddie maybe? Or–” she was going to continue but stopped at how bright red his face becomes “Eddie??”

“No. …No, it wasn’t Eddie who made it for me.”

“Are you sure, cause your super red faces says otherwi–”

“I made it for Eddie.”

Robin has no words. Words do not exist right now. Her brain is flatlining at the implications this brings up about her platonic soulmate.

“Steve–”

“I made it for Eddie, but he’s never gonna know. Got it?” He pushes an accusatory finger into her face and very pointedly goes back to scrawling in his journal.

Robin lets him alone for a few moments before: “Eddie, huh?”

Steve sighs “Yeah. Eddie.”

“So is it just Eddie? Or is it all guys maybe?”

“Uhm..” He rubs the back of his head, still looking down at his journal. He for sure just got pen marks all over his scalp. “I think it's guys in general? Maybe? There've been other guys I’ve thought about before…at least a little bit in…that way. But it was Eddie that made me realize it for sure.”

He looks up at Robin from beneath his lashes, seeming to be worried about her reaction to that. 

“Oh Dingus,” She scoots to the edge of his mattress and folds him into her arms, a rare hug, even for the two of them. “Thanks for telling me.” Robin whispers into his hair, and Steve lets the tension from his shoulders go.

They embrace for a bit longer, and when she lets Steve go, “So tell me about this mixtape.”

“It’s actually only half a mixtape. I’ve only filled up one side.”

“Are you going to fill up the B side?”

Steve shrugs, eyes going back to the vague shape he’s drawing over again in his notebook. “If I find more songs.”

“More songs…?” Robin trails off for him to continue.

“....more songs that remind me of him.”

“Eww grody!” Robin smiles, shaking herself as if trying to shake off Steve’s affection. “Dingus, this is adorable, why these songs? If you fill it up, are you going to give it to hi–”

“No! Nonononono, he is never ever going to see this tape, okay?”

“Okay, okay, I got it.” she puts her hands up in surrender. 

He goes back to his book and she drops the topic. For about half a minute.

“So why these songs? Besides you being hopelessly in love with him.”

Steve sighs, but says nothing. 

“Oh shit, you didn’t even deny it. You are in love with him!”

Again, he says nothing. Just keeps looking down at his notebook. She can see his face is still red in embarrassment. After a breath, he sighs, and hands over the notebook.

There’s messy scrawl all over the pages it was open to and the two pages before. It looks like the pages started as a tracklist, but were soon covered in little doodles and notes for other things as well. ‘Dustin doctor FRIDAY at 3’ is hastily written in next to ‘Heartbeat - Wham!’. There’s a little bat (the animal) drawn next to ‘eddie said ozzy’ and the song title ‘Runnin’ with the Devil - Van Halen’.

“These are the songs.” Steve says, just barely over a whisper. “And why.”

“Why what?”

“Why they make me think of him.”

Robin reads a couple of the entries, and they are sickeningly sweet. Some have details so personal even she hadn’t known them.

“Steve, this is–”

“Weird? Creepy? Stalker-ish?” Steve says bitterly and starts to curl in on himself, emotionally as well as physically.

“Hey, no, none of that..” Robin closes and drops the notebook on the bed and reaches forward to pull Steve back out of his shell. She’s only somewhat successful, planting her hands on either side of his face and getting him to look up at her.

“I was going to say that this is really sweet. People make mixtapes for the people they like all the time right? So what’s creepy about you doing it?”

“One: It’s me, a guy , making one for another guy. And two: people don’t usually obsessively write about why they added the songs.” 

“Then that’s just a bonus.” Robin states matter-of-factly. “If you ever do give this to Eddie, he’ll actually know how you feel about him, and not just guess.”

“Yeah, well,” Steve sits up, removing his face from her grasp, “He’s not ever going to see it, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“You’re not going to give it to him? Ever?”

“Nope. Guy crushing on another guy that probably doesn’t feel the same way, remember?” He says, pointing at himself then glaring down at his notebook like it offended him personally. "Just drop it, okay Robin?"

So she does. For now.

-----

Robin is at her wits end.

Her whole existence is half Steve mooning over Eddie, and half Eddie mooning over Steve.

The pining from both sides is driving her absolutely insane.

“You’re driving me crazy, Eddie. Please just tell him how you feel, I can’t deal with this much longer.” she tells him one day at lunch, murmuring close to him over the roar of the students around them.

Lucky Eddie; he survived hell and was recently expected back at school to graduate.

“You can’t keep secrets, birdie?” he mumbles around a pretzel.

She almost scoffs, but stops herself at the last second. 

“Not from Steve I can’t! ! He’s my best friend, my one and only soulmate, the Dingus to your Doofus. I tell him everything and knowing you like him when he–when you could just tell him yourself is driving me batty!” Nice save she tells herself.

Eddie doesn’t notice the slip anyway, already shaking his head at her.

“Just drop it Robin, even if he finds out I’m gay and is cool about it, doesn’t mean that Steeeeeve Harrington would ever be into Eddie the freak.”

The after-lunch bell rings at the same time he stands, slumping off out of the cafeteria and into the hall without a spare glance backward.

“Okay that’s it. I’m done.” She stands, determined. 

“Done with what?” Dustin asks, also standing to throw his tray away.

“Men.”

-----

Robin’s able to enact her scheme not long after that.

Steve is leaving with his parents on a trip (for once) and will be gone for a few days.

“Ew your mom is bringing you along now too to try and keep your dad from having an affair? What’s she gonna do, leave you in the room the whole time?”

“Ha ha ha.” he rolls his eyes, sarcasm dripping from every ‘Ha’. “I’m meeting with them and my grandparents about my trust fund and going over their will with them both.”

“Ugh, I always forget you’re a snobby trust fund baby.”

“Thanks, Rob. Makes me feel fantastic when you put it like that.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do?”

“Whatever, just tell me what you want me to do while you’re gone.”

“Well, Eddie’s taking the kids since you just started driving,”

“When’d you and Eddie get illegally married and then almost just as illegally divorced?? You sound like you’re talking about a custody agreement.”

Steve’s face turns pink, probably at the thought of being married to that Doofus. Ugh, he’s so in love it hurts. Truly.

“Shut up, Robin.” he shakes his head at her. “Anyway! He’s got their schedule covered and if he doesn’t, he’ll never hear the end of it from Henderson. You’ve just gotta watch the house, ‘kay?”

“Got it, water the kitchen, make sure the yard stays clean…”

Steve smiles fondly at her “Yeah, you got it.”

--

As soon as she knows Steve is in the air (really, AS. SOON.), she takes Steve's songbook and tape to the library. 

She pays the ridiculous cost of $0.25 for them to copy both page spreads, and immediately drives to the Forest Hills trailer park.

Eddie is on his porch with a cigarette hanging out one corner of his mouth, his acoustic guitar on his lap.

“I’m coming up, Munson, you better put out that cigarette!” she yells out her window at him as she parks.

“Yeah, yeah, waste all my smokes, why don’t I?” he grumbles to himself, but stubs it out all the same.

“Put the guitar down too, I need your full attention for this.” she says, coming up the two steps onto the porch and stopping in front of him.

He looks at her incredulously, but puts it down, leaning the guitar against the arm of the loveseat.

“Okay, you’ve got my full attention.” he spreads his arms out wide. “What is it, Birdie?”

“You are to take what I give you, and not breathe a word about it to Anyone. Else. You hear me?”

“Oohhkay? You’re freaking me out, Rob.”

“You’re Uncle’s working tonight right?”

“Yeah..?

“Take this and listen to side A.” she hands over the tape and he eyes it suspiciously, turning it over in his hand. “You’ll want these too.”

Eddie takes the offered papers and unfolds them. “Is this a tracklist?”

“It might be,” Robin shrugs and turns back to her car. “Steve will be back in three days. I have an excuse ready for why the tape’s gone if it takes you longer than that, but I’d rather not have to use it.” she calls over her shoulder.

“What does this shit have to do with Steve?”

She’s at her car now, and gives him a look over the top. “You’ll figure it out Eddie.”

Part 2 here!

[sassyandclassy94]

10 Questions for 10 Writers

Thank you SO much for the tag, @coneygoil !! You have no idea how much I love being included in these things🫶🏻

1. Is writing a hobby or a way of life?

Sadly, it’s just a hobby. My life’s kinda too busy to make it a lifestyle

2. A journal full of notes, or a clean completed manuscript?

A clean completed manuscript, thank you very much. Which is pretty ironic, given I’m a pretty chaotic woman.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

SwanFire and ThePhoenixFeatherQuill. I went through a Once Upon a Time phase became a huge SwanFire shipper after my first rewatch and one night while I was lying in bed, I looked up SwanFire fanfics. The Phoenix’s masterlist was like, the first or second search result? So I clicked on it when lo and behold! The Spinner’s Son captured my interest. I clicked on it and fell in love. I looked for other medieval AUs but couldn’t find any so naturally, after seeing posts about writing what you went to read, I decided to try my own hand at writing one.

4. Which is worse: Someone you ‘idolize’ reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Well… I’m not a singer (I sing WITH people sometimes) so, definitely having someone I look up to read my first draft. I remember when Red (an awesome writer who I also look up to and tumblr friend - check out his Into the Woods, it’s amazing!!) told me he checked out Secrets, Lies and Blessings after we met and started interacting during covid. I was mortified and wanted to crawl into a hole.

5. Has writing from someone else’s POV changed your perspective?

Um, maybe….? I delved into OC stuff this year and wrote a fic about Gale Cleven. Two people with totally different personalities and characterization than Baelfire and Emma so, I guess yes? Maybe it didn’t change my perspective but it’s helped me grow as a writer maybe? I don’t know, maybe I don’t understand this question…?

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 and FFN by far!! They’re my favorites and go-tos. I started out on those babies! I think FFN is slowly dying though😔

7. AO3 word count? And are you satisfied with it?

105,744 - No, I wish it was higher. If it was it’d mean I’m more prolific.

8. What movie/book gripped you irrevocably?

Once Upon a Time started my writing hobby. I needed Neal to be happy and I was gonna write that, darn it! But with running out of ideas, writing SwanFire for 6 years straight, and going through a kind of heartbreak, I got really burnt out and kinda stopped for a while. It was The Boys in the Boat and Masters of the Air that inspired me to start writing again❤️ Don and Gale, man! They have a hold on me!!

9. What’s the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

That my writing is better than I give it credit for. And yes, Red told me that four years ago. He said it more articulate than that though (former English teacher and all, lol!) and him saying that made me feel a little more confident in my writing. I’ve gotten some pretty nice compliments about keeping my characters’ personalities true to canon and that’s pretty high praise too because I go real out of my way to do that.

10. What defines your writing style?

I… don’t even know? Even though most of my stories are romance, there’s also a heavy emphasis on friendship because a good old fashioned friendship is important to me (e.g. Emma and Eleanor). Theyre also very emotional. Whether it’s someone falling in love, preparing for parenthood, or suffering from PTSD, I want my readers to feel what he/she is going through and to be able to relate to them on a personal and intimate level.

Tags: Not me racking my brain to think of all the writers who follow and/or engage with me, and/or are in my notes🤕 @phoenixwrites @ljf613 @solo-pitstop-vibes @okieedokes @swanfireprincessmydear @fictional-at-heart @redbone135 @heatherfield @strangethings-everywhere @plasmabluefire @themeepyfreak And whatever other writer sees this and wants to participate, please consider yourself tagged! You can even say I tagged you. I want you all, especially new writers, to be included🫶🏻 No cliques in SassyAndClassy’s house!!! Oh my gosh is that ten??? DID I DO IT???? We won’t talk about how long that took me to come up with all of you🥴 I hope none of you will be annoyed that I tagged you🫣

[joels6string]

More Than My Father's Son - Ellie's Journal

January 26th, 2035

EVERYONE. FUCKING. LEAVES. ME!!!!!

February 1st, 2035

Maria told me I should write you a letter. Said it might help the grieving process. Stupid fucking phrase. That I should write it and go put it in your mailbox, or send down a river in a bottle, burn it… I don’t know. What good is that? I know you’re not gonna read it. Cause you’re de I can’t even write it.

Whatever. I’ll try. It can’t hurt. Maybe I’ll just keep it here, I drew your picture right on the other side, I think I got your scar right. Maybe not. I don’t know. Anyway, here goes.

I miss you. A lot. For the stupidest reasons. Like, learning about seeds even though I hate farming, and dinners with Indy, and watching movies on Joel’s couch. It’s not even like, big things, you know? When I read about this shit in books everyone always says it's their presence or their kindness and the rooms feel empty without them or whatever but I just miss going to the grocery and picking out the reddest apples. It’s stupid. I can do that with anyone. But I don’t want to.

I want to find out Darth Vader is Luke’s father again. And pick out the Ewok that looks like Joel the most. And hide burnt food from Indy or play darts or shoot a bow or have you braid my hair one more fucking time. I can’t even do it the same. I’ve tried. Every time it’s worse.

I stole one of your sweaters. It smells like you still, like lavender and dirt. Your shirt is too soft. No one gets their clothes this soft. But you can, and I never learned how. And you use eucalyptus in the laundry. Lavender and eucalyptus. You were warmer than that.

I don’t know when they were gonna clear your house out. I figured Joel would be the one to do it but who knows if he’ll be able to. And when I went to get it, I watered your plants. And I still go. And I still water them. And it doesn’t fucking matter. Cause you’ll never see them again.

And I’ll never see you again.

Chapter 12

[starset21]

Standard Disclaimer: I only own my original characters, I've done some research but there will likely be Navy/military inaccuracies, and I do not consent to the posting, translating, or publishing of my work to any 3rd party site, the only place it may be found is on tumblr and Wattpad under @.itswildflower

A/N: This story is heavily inspired by the hallmark movie of the same title and is very self-indulgent. I'm also trying a different format than I'm used to using so it may change in the future chapters.

Looking for the other chapters? U.S.S. Christmas Masterlist 

Summary:  Kate and Jake stumble upon a mystery in the ship's archive room.

Chapter 4: A New Story

“Wow. Look at all this old stuff,” Kate marveled.

“I have never been here,” Jake muttered.

“Oh, yeah? Wow, check this out,” Kate handed him a picture frame from one of the boxes she had began going through.

“Wow, cool. B29. Hmm. Found some Christmas photos,” he told her, passing the loose photos to Kate.

“These look like fun performances,” she told him.

“Yeah, you know, we've had all kinds of dancers, singers, celebrities… Presidents, even,” Jake told her.

“Yeah?”

Jake nodded. “You really never went on a tiger cruise as a kid?” he asked.

“I didn't want to give up even one day at home. All the baking, decorating the tree… I remember driving around looking at all the neighborhood lights. Christmas is the best,” Kate smiled.

“I'm just surprised we never met as kids,” Jake rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh. Well, I never really went to military functions as a kid. I met a few kids but I was always buried in a book or writing stories… It's kind of my escape,” Kate shrugged.

“You cover corrupt bankers committing fraud, right?” Jake asked.

“That and some other... Questionable people. Did someone look up my latest story?” Kate teased.

“Yeah. Yeah, I mean… I do read the paper. You should write about the pilots on the Polaris. We're the best of the best. That's inspiring.”

Kate laughed. “Yeah, an ego as big as a fighter pilot's. Look, an old journal. It was written by… A pilot named Jonah in 1965. Wow, she's beautiful. Looks like a dancer,” she said as she passed him the picture.

“Wow. Great artist, if he drew this. What's the journal say?” Jake asked. 

"We returned home from Vietnam just in time for operation tiger cruise. December 18th, 1965. It was the first time our families are allowed to stay with us… To see what we do every day for this country. I've missed everyone so much. Today the most beautiful woman I've ever seen boarded the ship, and I helped her with her bag.”

“He only got her first name. Dorothy,” Kate told Jake. 

"I can't explain. The moment I saw her, I felt like I was looking into my future. There was just something about her."

“It's so-” Kate trailed off.

“Undisciplined,” Jake cut her off but Kate shook her head.

“No. Romantic. You know, there actually might be a story here, maybe a Christmas story. You mind if I borrow this?” she asked.

“Yeah. You heard what my dad said. Anything you need,” Jake waved to boxes in the archieve room.

“Great. I want to see how Jonah’s story ends,” Kate smiled as she set the journal next to her bag.

“Is that a Santa suit?” She asked as she saw the red and white in a box. Jake shrugged.

“Oh! Jake, you know, I think this looks like it's just your size,” Kate laughed.

“Yeah, if I wore two life preservers under it,” Jake shook his head.

“I think that you should dress up as Santa for the kids on the ship,” Kate suggested.

“It's not gonna work,” Jake says seriously.

“What's not going to work?” Kate asked.

“Look, I'm sure my dad wants me to get in your love story and suddenly discover the spirit of the holidays, but I'm just not a Christmas guy. Fourth of July. Hmm! Ten thousand pounds of crackling explosives up in the air. Now, that is way better than caroling and candy canes,” Jake tells her.

“Who doesn't like candy canes?” Kate asks confounded.

“You're not gonna change me. The Navy is my life. Christmas on a ship is a distraction. End of story.”

"Last night I ran into Dorothy in the mess eating dinner. I finally had the courage to talk to her. She lives in New York City and works as a dance teacher. She's as sweet as can be. But her brother told me Dorothy has a fellow back home. I hope it's not serious, because there is something about her smile that gives me hope for the first time in years."

“Hey! Your mom said I could find you here,” Jake greeted as he joined Kate at one of the various desks in a ready room.

“Yeah. Nice flying today, it was pretty awesome,” Kate told him.

“Thanks. So, any update on our Christmas couple?” he asked.

“Oh, curious, huh?” Kate smirked.

“Hmm. Look, I'm interested in the historical aspect of it,” Jake told her but Kate wasn’t buying it.

“Okay. Well, I ended up reading the journal from the beginning, and it turns out that Jonah did talk to Dorothy. But he just found out she has a man back home, so not really sure how it ends,” Kate tells him.

“Well, I went down to the archives room to see if I could find anything else, and take a look at this,” Jake hands her a turquoise sparkle covered star ornament.

"To Dorothy, 1965. Wonder if Jonah made this for her?” Jake hummed.

“Makes sense. Your dad said there's a senior chief who handles all things Christmas, maybe he could help us,” Kate asked. 

“Yeah. But the post office closes at 1800,” Jake tells her after looking at his watch. “That's ten minutes from now.”

Kate stood quickly, putting the journal in her satchel before taking Jake’s hand and pulling him along. 

“Senior chief, I found this old ornament in the archives room. We know it's a longshot, but we were wondering if you might know who Dorothy is… Her name's on the back,” Kate asked handing him the ornament.

“Well, 1965, that was the very first Christmas tiger cruise. Looks like it could be from the ornament decorating station. It's a tradition on the cruise. Gosh, I have no idea who Dorothy is, though,” the senior chief told them.

“We think a pilot named Jonah made it for her. We're looking for him too,” Jake added.

“You know, my brother has access to military records. He works for the VA. He just went on vacation today, but he does owe me a favor for decorating his house last year for Christmas,” the senior chief told them.

“Great!” Kate smiled. “What's Jonah's last name?” the senior chief asked.

“Unfortunately, we don't have it,” Kate told him, her face falling.

“Well, that's a tall order of eggnog, but I'll see what I can do,” the senior chief reassured.

“Oh, and this is his journal. There's a picture he drew in here, we think it might be Dorothy,” Kate handed him the drawing.

“A dancer,” the chief clarified.

“You know, some years the uso performers come on the ship for Christmas,” the chief told them. “You think she might have been one of them?” Jake asked.

“Maybe. There's a bunch of photographs and memorabilia down on the quarterdeck,” the chief told them.

“I saw them when we boarded the ship,” Kate nodded.

“Yeah, exactly. You could check there. Meanwhile, I'll give my brother a buzz,” the chief assured.

“Thanks, Nick,” Jake told him.

“Senior chief,” Kate shook his hand.

“Merry Christmas,” the chief called out before they had left the room. 

“Wow, these photos are great. This ship has so much history. This could be Dorothy,” Kate pointed to a picture on the wall.

“Sure looks a lot like her. You know, there's a historical building for the Navy in New York City,” Jake told her.

“Yeah? Any chance you want to go with me? I mean, we're docking there tomorrow anyway, so I could call ahead?” she asked.

“Four years at the naval academy to serve on the Christmas version of the love boat,” Jake sighed.

Kate gave him a look.

“Not funny?” he asked. “You know my Dad'll throw me in the brig if I don't go with you.”

Kate grinned. “Great!”

[glitterdustcyclops]

tagged by @lookingforsomematches

Alias/name : choco

Birthday : july 8th

Zodiac : cancer sun, pisces moon, leo rising

Height : 5'7"ish

Hobbies : i have adhd literally everything is my hobby but anyway writing, doodlin frogs, various crafts, occasionally painting, sometimes graphic design, legos, playing video games, journaling/calligraphy, collecting tiny plastic nonsense and other various trinkets and tchotchkes, oh god there's so many more help

Favorite color : iridescent, but the actual-color answer is mint green + pink

Favorite book : ohhhhh god. usually i say it's the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy which did a lot to inform my sense of humor and really inspired me as a writer, but i also can't remember half of it now and never got further than i think part of the restaurant at the end of the universe. one day i'll go back and re-read the whole series. probably. maybe.

Last song : home - kimbra (kimbra is so goooood guys if you've never listened to her stuff outside of somebody that i used to know check her out!!!)

Last Movie / Show : my dad just finished watching the charmed reboot and i kinda got into it right at the last season, and now it's over, and i'm a lil sad about it

Recent read : some random kindle unlimited gay romance novel about a pretty albino boy who gets saved by evil human traffickers by a bunch of hot mercenary-type dudes. it wasn't great but the sex scenes were hot and i love any kind of polyamory rep, even in trashy tropey romance novels.

Inspiration : right now i have my coffee-scented candle burning and that is sparking some serious cozy-fall-vibes inspo, so imagine that and enjoy

Fun fact : i can't whistle! i can play the flute and i can actually blow across pretty much any bottle and make a tone but i just can't get my mouth to whistle. nor can i blow bubblegum bubbles, and i suspect the two are related.

Story behind URL : one of my friends in college suggested it as a pesterchum handle that seemed to fit my vibe and i took it and ran with it. i can't remember if the cyclops OC i designed came first or after, but basically it seemed like fate.

What’s the colour palette of your name?

did both choco & my real name and gonna be honest i'm never much a fan of muted earthy tones like this but some of the ones in my real name palette are speaking to me, esp. that dark navy + orange + pale sagey green combo happening over in the right corner there

anyway i guess i'll tag @teddytoroa @solobagginses @musicismymoirail and anyone else who wants to do it, as always tag me so i can see your answers!!!!!

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1993 Talk about weird sleeping habits! At least I’m well-rested and my asthma has been much better. I fell asleep yesterday at 7 AM, got up at 1 PM to take my meds, then fell back asleep till 4 PM. Then at 6:30 PM, I fell asleep till 10 PM. Guess it’s cuz of my period and I was flowing quite heavily.

I heard Tom go to bed at 8:00 last night. He has to leave for work at 7:15. He’s decided he’s gonna like working days better. He says 10-hour shifts will be better than 12. That’s for sure. Also, he used to put himself on days when he wasn’t working, so, he says, why not be on nights when he’s off? This way we can still see each other.

I have 4 envelopes to go out in today’s mail. One to Nervous, Nervous’s mother, Fran, Alex, Gina, and 3 to Kim. Tom gave me neon orange round stickers he got at work. I numbered all 3 of Kim’s envelopes. This way she can read them in the order I typed them. I’m also sending Gina a quick letter to the radio station, as well as my picture in The Beat. She kept asking what I look like, so soon she’ll see. The letter’s really short saying how fun she is to chat with different fonts.

Believe it or not, last night I gave her a reading which was fairly accurate, seeing how dead my vibes have been lately.

While Gina was on the air, I left a message for Andy of me talking with Tammy, Glen, and some funny drunk guy named Larry. He loved it and thought it was so funny.

Later…

I just did my legs again with the hair removal thing. A few hairs grew back, but they were much lighter and finer.

Tom accidentally erased the movie The Guardian, but now I’m glad he did. He’s buying the movie for me and this way I can get the uncut version and see more nudity! Plus, I accidentally hit the record button and erased a few seconds during two different parts.

Tom looked the movie up through Prodigy and it turns out she was in some other movie called Local Hero. This was back in 1983. Wonder what she looked like then?

Later…

Tom’s taking a shower now and soon he’ll be off to work.

In a little while, I have to go put my mail out.

Tom made us tater tots and garlic bread. It was good.

I’ve run out of things to say for now, so I guess I’ll write later when I think of more stuff to write.

Later…

I just got done watching Charlie’s Angels. It was a two-parter. So, tomorrow I’ll try to remember to see the second part, even though I’ve seen every single episode.

I have a two-page picture of Gloria from one of her tour books, but she takes up very little space. Therefore, I’ve glued on 6 tiny ones, so, I now have sort of a collage.

Later…

Well, I fell asleep at noon and I got up shortly after 7:00.

Tom had just gotten in from work. He said it wasn’t very fun at all. The poor guy. He also said he may go look somewhere else for a job. Lastly, he says he may be getting a cold. I sure hope not. Especially now that my period’s pretty much over.

Beauty’s doing fine. She basically only eats her lettuce if I feed it to her by hand, but this is cuz she’s still a baby. She’ll eat more independently as she gets older. She eats the pellets with no problem, though. She’s so loving and always gives me kisses.

I wish it were summer! I wanna go swimming! At least I only have to wait for 4 more months or so, rather than 7. I miss being able to be outside constantly. The daytime weather’s usually nice, but it’s more fun when you can swim.

When Tom looked up the movie The Guardian through Prodigy, there was a 26-page write-up all about the movie. He’s gonna print it out and maybe I’ll copy it into my journal. That is, whatever one I’m on when he’s able to find the time to print the thing out.

Later…

Boy, Michael Jackson’s certainly in some serious hot water. Guess he’s about to be charged with molesting young boys. At first I believed he was innocent cuz everyone always wants to bring down a star. People want to gain publicity and power. They want to challenge those who are successful. Now, I wonder if maybe he’s guilty, as there are lots of sickos in this world. Plus, most cops and superstars feel they’re above the law. If he’s brought to trial, he’ll win. He’s famous and he’s male.

Later…

I just turned on the radio so I can hear what DJ is on tonight. Gina’s on weekends and I guess she’s also a fill-in. She hopes to go on full-time soon and I hope she does too. It’s cool to be able to chat with her and others on the party line when everyone else I know is working or asleep. I’ll bet that guy Magic is on now. I haven’t heard yet, as sometimes they don’t speak till after several songs have played.

My period’s over, thankfully. It sure is weird that I’ve shit 4 times today when all I’ve eaten is a cupcake and a bowl of popcorn.

Next shower I’ll have to do some massive shaving downstairs. It hurt too much to use the hair removal thing down there, as well as under my arms. That’s fine, though, as it sure is nice to only have to do it under my arms and my pussy, rather than my calves and thighs, too.

Gina’s on! Great, I’m gonna give her a call after I go smoke a butt.

Later…

I just called in and she’s got me on hold now. It’s pretty weird hearing the same song playing on the phone that’s playing over the radio. What’s she doing? She must be extremely busy cuz this is the second song now that I’m holding through.

I just hung up and called back and said, “Did that reading scare you, or are you tremendously busy?” She said she was busy and to call back in a half-hour.

No problem. I understand. If she’s on tomorrow night too, then she’ll know what I look like before the weekend. I’ll call her in 10 minutes.

Gina just said, “I wish I could let you hear half the conversations we have here on the party line.” It sounds like the phone lines are quite busy. I wonder how many lines there are. No less than 10, I’d assume. I can see that being a lot for one DJ to handle. Sometimes there are two DJs.

Tammy’s on again. I just heard her. Some guy named Stan, too.

Later…

I’ve got to tell Andy to take his phone off the hook Fri. and Sat. nights. This way if I leave him any messages when we’re on the party line, his phone will only ring once. He said to leave him all the messages I want from the party line.

OK, I’m gonna call now.

She said she’s got everyone on hold, and she’s got Stan and Tammy on and wants to keep me on.

OK, whatever. I told her to take her time. Is she testing me to see if I really am a loyal fan? It’s fine by me, as I have nothing better to do anyway.

I never did get around to sending Tammy (my sister) a message, but I will within the next few days. I’ll type some more letters, too.

Now I’m on the line with Stan and Tammy. Gina’s sick with diarrhea and is in the bathroom. She just yelled, “I can’t get sick! I have too many jobs!”

Gina’s also a waitress at Tuchetti’s.

Now, I’m doing promotions stuff saying, “K-O-O-L F-M” in unison with Tammy and Stan. Gina’s singing is very loud, strange and funny. She still feels shitty. They’re talking about movies now. I hate Westerns, too. And old movies and science fiction.

Some woman from 7/11 named Sandy just called in, but I didn’t hear her request.

Later…

Gina may have to work tomorrow night too, as well as 10:30 this morning. Damn! That’s a long time. About a half-hour ago Tammy and Stan hung up. I asked Gina if I could come down this weekend if Tom will drive me. She said probably, but call her at 2 AM first.

I left Andy a message of all 4 of us. Also, I have me on tape doing a promo line.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1993 Well, I didn’t get married last Friday, but I did get a guinea pig. Let me go in order of events.

I felt kind of foolish and Tom felt bad, but what he really meant by “Friday” was discussing a tentative date. We set a tentative date for next December. I just didn’t stop to realize that it’s not something you just do in 5 minutes.

I talked with Tom alone and with Andy alone and I think a year from now’s good. This will give us plenty of time, as it’s a big and scary commitment. I know, though, that life’s all about taking chances and I think that if all continues to go well, I’ll be brave enough to take this chance in a year. I am still a believer in the saying “nothing lasts forever,” but I’ll enjoy one day at a time. I won’t put a time frame in my mind for how long Tom and I live. An example of what I mean is, I hope I live a long life, but I could get run over and killed by a car tomorrow.

Andy still feels I should be with a woman and I understand this, but if I could’ve been I would’ve been. It’s not like I didn’t put in a few good years of trying so I’m not without a woman by choice.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1993 Believe it or not, I fell asleep last night at around 9:00. I awoke at 10:00 to a car going by with a very loud muffler. Originally, I fell asleep on the living room couch. Tom went to bed at 10:00. Shortly before this car’s muffler woke me up. When I did wake up, I went and got into my bed and fell back asleep till a little after 1 AM.

Last night, though, Tom and I had lots of fun. Not sexual fun, but fun hanging out together and finally wrote in my next journal.

When I got up, I cleaned the stove, did dishes, straightened up, listened to music, and typed Kim a letter.

At 4:00 I dropped a bowl of creamed spinach and smashed it to smithereens all over the kitchen floor. I cut my foot, too, and woke Tom who was my savior. He washed my foot and put a Band-Aid on it and cleaned the kitchen floor. So, now I have a black and blue on one foot, from whacking it on the phone which was on the floor, a glass cut on the other foot and a paper cut on my thumb. The thumb is healing nicely, though.

I tried to get some more sleep. At least a few more hours, but it hasn’t worked. I’ll go try again.

Later…

I have been unable to go back to sleep. I typed Lisa, Becky and Sarah a letter, but then got knocked off when I tried to type Tammy a letter. I’ll try again later. Prodigy’s funny sometimes.

I also want to check Springfield’s weather so I can laugh. Unfortunately, they’ve had some mild days in the 50s. They’ll get theirs, as far as the bitter freezing cold goes.

I forgot to mention two calls I made early yesterday morning. One to Barbara, who I woke up. I insisted she left a message for me to call her. She very sleepily denied it, then hung up after two minutes.

I also called Jenny and yelled, “Knock it off, Jenny!” Then I slammed the phone down. I’ll bet she and the bastard brother are still buddies. They can have each other. I’m gonna tell Tammy that if she ever again speaks with Larry to tell him he didn’t want anything to do with me, so why should I want anything to do with him? My life’s way too cool now to have assholes like Larry, Art, or Dureen in it to screw things up. Or try to I should say, as in the end, I learned not to let it get to me. I know what I did and did not deserve.

Later…

This is amazing, yet great. I’m still awake! Cuz I only napped a few hours last night, I didn’t think I was gonna hold out past noon. If I’d been more awake, I would’ve gone to Tom’s parent’s house, but I’m definitely not that awake. He said he’ll try to bring home leftovers.

I went and pulled $20 out of the ATM for cigarettes, then we went to Jack-n-the-Box where I got a breakfast platter.

I also typed two more letters. One to Nervous and the other to his mother telling her what an asshole her son is. I called him up politely to see how he is and I’m so sick of his moods. I don’t deserve his shit. I haven’t done anything to him in ages and any shit I ever did pull on him, he damn well asked for. The guy can fuck off and out of my life just like Dureen and Art. My sending a letter to his mom will surely heat the guy all up. Especially as it’ll shock the shit out of him and catch him off guard cuz I’ve never sent the mother mail before in the past. She’ll be surprised too, and I don’t give a rat’s ass if either of them calls my family.

Oh, before I end the subject of Nervous - his mom had no idea Crystal lived with him or who the fuck she even is. That is quite interesting. I’ve spoken to this girl, so I’m sure she exists, but I highly doubt she lives with him. Not if she’s got any real brains.

Tomorrow should be fun. Tom says that cuz he slept so many hours the last two days, he can go shopping tomorrow when I am awake. Depending on his paycheck we may get the pig tomorrow. Can’t wait! He says it’s a birthday present, but I told him to spare me for my birthday and Chanukah, as I wanted him to have money to buy his family Christmas presents. We’re also gonna look at prices of dishwashers and who knows what else tomorrow.

Remember the note we passed each other on the toy car? The one about us getting married Friday which is tomorrow? Well, he hasn’t said one more thing about it and I hope he wasn’t joking. I’d feel kind of foolish unless he meant next Friday. Maybe he thought I was joking. Well, I wasn’t joking. I wonder what’s really going on in his mind. Are we getting married tomorrow?

What else can I say? I’m in a writing mood, but I’ve run out of things to say. I just hope that whenever I do fall asleep that I stay asleep at least till 2 AM. This way, we can take off as soon as the stores open. It’ll be mobbed, though, being Fri. Plus, everyone’s begun to do all their Christmas shopping.

It’s been oh-so quiet next door, thank fucking God. Come to think of it, I haven’t even heard their dog. Only the one across the street, but it’s not as loud.

I wonder how much of all those letters Bob’s read so far? Is he done? Probably not. I sent an awful lot of stuff, but it’ll be good for him. He needs to fill his time and occupy his mind.

Well, the computer says it’s 28º in Springfield today and tonight will be 10º! It’s only 62º here today.

I talked to Tammy briefly. Apparently, Bill and the girls are very sick, so she canceled dinner. She’s still cooking dinner, but she canceled the company that was to be coming.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1993 Boy, I’ve been having lots of fun playing Nintendo games for hours. Today’s the first time I’ve ever played. Tom set it up in the back room on my TV. There are these 2 games I’ve been playing. My favorite one is where you use a plastic gun to shoot ducks. You get 3 shots to go to the next round. I’ve gone as far as round 11. The other one’s very hard and I have yet to win one round. It’s where you shoot at two flying disks at once.

Now, here’s the most exciting news of the day. (now yesterday) Tom put batteries in a toy car. We were out back by the pool, then we came into the back room where we were sending the car back and forth to each other across the room. Finally, I took a tiny piece of paper and wrote: I love you and I will marry you. Then Tom wrote: When? I wrote: When do you want to, and be honest? He wrote: Friday. I wrote: It’s a deal!

Later…

I got bored with the Nintendo (for now) as well as the TV. So, I tried to call Nervous. The guy’s smart as no one ever even said hello. He just picked it up and pressed a button on the phone. Although, I wonder if that could’ve been Crystal. It seems her style but not his. His is to answer, swear, then unplug the phone. If Crystal’s still there, that is truly amazing.

I tried to call the radio station but kept getting a busy signal. That’s OK, as shortly after I tried I realized Gina isn’t even on tonight.

Tomorrow Nerv, Fran and Bob should get all their mail.

I did try to call Fran at nearly midnight his time, but he said he’d call me later. Or tomorrow. He was either asleep, drunk, or terribly depressed.

I know what I forgot to mention I did earlier. It sure was an unexpected, yet great surprise, too. Tom asked if I wanted to “fool around.” It was grand, alright. He sure does a fine job down there with his tongue. He knows I can cum way, way too fast (in a matter of seconds), so he knows how to make it last and keep it going so I can enjoy it. It won’t be long till I’m on the rag, so this is when I’m the horniest.

Later…

I’ve got to watch myself on the cigarettes. Been getting a bit carried away. I did better the last 3 days by smoking 11-14, but so far, I’ve had 16 since I’ve been up. In 2-3 more days, I’ll be done with the antibiotics. After that and my period, I’m gonna get working on the exercise videos. Been slacking off. I’m soooooooo fucking bloated! It’s absolutely pitiful! I can now feel myself “precramping,” so I don’t have long to wait.

I wish I could be there to personally see the looks on Bob, Fran and Nerv’s faces when they open their mailboxes to so much mail from me. Especially Bob’s face, as he’s the one who appreciates my mail the most.

Later…

I just took all the meds that I’m supposed to take. I think now I’ll go listen to music and then try to get some sleep. I don’t want my schedule to change too much just yet as I have stuff to do.

Tonight’s Tom’s last night at work. Sunday the poor guy’s on days.

Later…

I’m not exactly as sleepy as I had thought I was. I listened to music, though.

Earlier I came up with a very interesting way to improve my game aim which is naturally pretty good. There are 10 birds to kill in each round, so I came up with two rounds worth (20 people) I can’t stand. I imagine they’re the birds.

I may get another letter from Bob tomorrow or Fri. That’d be nice. I give up on waiting for Alex to send a letter. For now. I’m sure he has a reasonable excuse for not writing and is busy. Hopefully, Kim will send a letter too.

I’m kind of hungry now. Damn. I got a paper cut too. Fuck!

Later…

OK, I just put a Band-Aid on my paper cut.

Andy must’ve fallen asleep. He told me he’d call back when I spoke to him several hours ago.

Tom’s mom beeped in with a message for Tom that Thanksgiving dinner was to be at noon as Raymond, his brother, has to work early. She sounded nice and invited me, but I don’t know if I’ll be going.

Tomorrow Tom and I will probably be getting up at the same time for the first time in a while. This will be nice.

I think I’ll go see if Nervous will answer his phone now, although he may be at work. We’ll see if Crystal answers.

Later…

I am sitting at the living room table while Tom’s watching sports on TV. He made us tater tots which were really good.

Andy picked up his pants and the movie I taped him and he left me a blank tape. I spoke to him earlier and all’s well with him. While he was on the phone, I called Nervous. He got my mail and says Crystal’s still there. I’ve never heard the guy sound so relaxed before in my life. This is good for him.

I played Nintendo and did really well. Got some perfect scores and shot the disks through round 1.

Tom and I were discussing a trip to CA in February or March. A package deal to fly to Disneyland and stay at their hotel for 2 days and 1 night.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1993 Well, Tom’s not going to recognize the back room when he goes in there. He’ll most certainly get up before I do, too.

I didn’t make it to my GYN appointment today. I really did plan to go as nervous as I was, but I was not able to fall asleep till 7 AM. My appointment was at 11 AM, and I would’ve had to get up at 9 AM. The place is 40 minutes away and there’d have been no way I could’ve functioned on only 2 hours of sleep. Plus, I only slept 4 hours yesterday. My referral expires on the 26th and I don’t know if I can reschedule by then. We’ll see. Guess I’ll have to call Dr. Wilcox. I’ll live whether or not I ever get there.

Lisa typed me a letter over Prodigy. She says she’s nervous about her solo and Becky and Sarah are sick. Within the next few days, I’ll call Tammy and the girls.

Yesterday I called Mary and guess what? About a month and a half ago, the butch moved out. Mary said she said she bought a house. Yeah, right! On her income? I don’t think so. Not unless she won the lottery or got a hefty inheritance. If she moved into a house, she rents it and probably shares it.

I still feel so bad for Mary as her nightmare isn’t over. She’s going through all I went through. Some guy moved in above her in the butch’s place and he has late-night wild parties with mucho company. She says she’s gonna call the office, but I know that’ll never do her any good.

I got a letter from Bob and one certain line had me cracking up. When he said, “I need your letters.” Oh, he’s got letters coming alright. If he only knew. He has 10 of them on their way right now. Fran has 11 and Nervous has 9. They’ll each get 50 pages in all, maybe more. Remember how I typed and printed out journals 1 through part of 4? Well, I decided I didn’t want to continue doing this and really had no purpose in keeping what I’d already typed. Therefore, I split the 150 pages or so I typed between Bob, Fran and Nervous. I never thought to send Alex any, but, oh well. He’ll get his fair share of mail from me.

We got HBO and Cinemax. I’ve already seen a few good movies on them both.

It seems each year that goes by I become more and hornier. Once or twice a month is no longer enough for me. Nor is it enough for it to be one-sided where only I cum. I always used to love this arrangement. I wouldn’t want Tom to always be all over me, but I give up. I can’t make him any hornier. This doesn’t change my love for Tom and what I feel emotionally for him and what’s in my heart. It still gets better and I feel surer all the time. I never thought I could be with someone this long, let alone live with them. I can’t believe I have more and more thoughts of marrying him. I won’t count on that happening, though. If and when he ever asks me - well - we’ll see.

I guess the only other not-too-cool news, besides me being the only horny one around here, is that I woke up yesterday really wheezing. Didn’t have to go to the ER, thank God, but I had to deal with it for an hour.

Tom and I had a nice talk when he came in from work. We talked more about getting a guinea pig.

My license expires on my birthday. I’ll have to renew it if I can pass the written test. Maybe I’ll just get a photo ID.

The back room was badly cluttered with boxes and books. Now it’s nice and organized. I also have the perfect spot for the pig.

I can hear Tom talking in his sleep now, but I have no idea what the fuck he just said.

Later…

Today was a great day. First of all, Andy left his pants on the front door handle for me to sew a ripped pocket of his work pants. He’ll come get it tomorrow and leave me a blank video. This is cuz I’m taping a movie for him on one of ours.

I called the GYN and rescheduled for 12/16. Tomorrow I’ll call Dr. Wilcox and explain why I need a new referral, and also a refill on my meds.

It was a gorgeous day today, but a cool spell is coming.

I spoke with Lisa today who’s still nervous about her solo. Tammy was pretty busy and Bill just returned from CA. It was a business trip and due to the drastic temperature change, he’s sick. I went through that bullshit those two times I went to Florida in the winter. I also spoke a little bit to Becky.

I’ll bet there’s a chance my parents are thinking I may call right before my birthday for a birthday present. (money) No way! Their money’s not worth it.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1993 Well, lots of little things have happened since I last wrote. First, let me go do up a list of topics and smoke half a cigarette.

OK, I’m back. That only took a second. First of all, I changed my mind. Originally, I was gonna let Tom have the very last page of this book. Now I’m letting him write in the next journal (#51). This book has no lines on the pages, so, this way he can write as large or as small as he likes. He can also have as many pages as he needs.

Well, today the cat went back home. I cried as I’ll miss him. He was the best-behaved cat and so loving. I still have a new guinea pig to look forward to. Perhaps in 2-3 weeks.

Anyway, after he left, I vacuumed and aired the place out. It was a beautiful day at 78º and will be tomorrow, too. I did the dishes, but I hope to not be doing this too much longer. After the first of the month, we’re getting a dishwasher (I hope).

I ordered 2 CDs of Gloria’s through Columbia House and Tom ordered 6. I hope there are no problems with this, as I just realized Tammy’s got CDs coming to this address.

The tooth whitener Kim sent is really working. I noticed a huge difference after only one day.

This coming week Tom’s gonna pick up film and a flash for my camera.

I rearranged my tapes some more, and can you believe that after 4 years, I’ve finally completed my Gloria medley?! Finally, I do still have a few touch-ups to do and I will later.

Gotta go take my meds.

Later…

Well, I recorded a movie and now I’m recording two more shows.

I have 3 letters ready to go out. To Fran, Kim and Bob. I asked Bob if he wants a tape of the edits and some convos. Kim confused me in her postcard to me. She mentioned, “the pictures you just got.” But I never got any pictures. Maybe they’re on their way. I hope so, as that’d be nice. I pre-addressed and put my address labels on 25 envelopes. Kim, Bob, Fran, Nervous, and Alex got 5 each.

The biggest thing I’ve done is talk on the phone to Gina, the DJ at KOOL FM for two hours the last two nights. I was on the party line with a few other people. She is sooooo funny. She is a carbon copy of me and Andy. She’s got our kind of sense of humor. I played her some edits and I even edited her saying, “I think I’ve just lost my fucking mind!”

She sent me over the air saying, “Gina, I’m having fun with you this weekend with KOOL FM.”

She even dropped hints that she may be gay and asked me what I look like. Shall I send her a copy of me in The Beat? We’ll have to wait and see.

She also had me answer one of the party lines by saying, “Sunny 97.” That’s another oldie’s station. I said I punched her out cold, so I was taking over the airwaves.

She had me and 2-3 others singing live to a song, and we told jokes. There’s a really funny one I heard if you know that there’s a Thomas St. and a Grand Ave. here in Phoenix. The joke goes: What did the gay guy do when he got to Phoenix?

He went down on Thomas and thought it was Grand! (names of streets in Phoenix).

Later…

I just went to call Andy, but he’s playing Monopoly with someone, so he said he’ll call me back. I always hated that game.

Tom’s working now, trying to get as much overtime as possible. When he’ll be home, who knows? He’s kind of bummed cuz his job’s being eliminated and the poor guy has to work days next week. Permanently. I’d just want to die. At least he’ll have 10-hour shifts, rather than 12. He’s to be working Sunday – Wednesday from 8 AM - 6 PM.

Later…

Well, finally! The Gloria medley is finished! I just stuck in the last few songs. I did leave out a few slow boring songs, though.

Now, what do I have to edit? Well, as far as that goes everything’s all edited down. So, I’m gonna go through each convo one by one and edit stuff that way. I know that over half of all these convos combined have already been edited. I’ll go through them as who knows what great stuff I could’ve missed.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1993 Finally! I finally got my package from Kim. It sure is great to have my very own camera. Soon, I’ll get film and flash for it. It’s a very small lightweight camera and it seems it’ll be easy enough to use. Luckily Tom knows cameras, so he can help me with it.

She also sent that tooth whitener and already it’s making a difference.

She sent a magazine called The Night Side she picked up in Las Vegas. It’s just like The Beat magazine I was in when I was at Favors. She enclosed a letter along with a letter she got from Bob. Some other time I’ll copy these into #44. I typed both Kim and Bob letters.

Kim mentioned Alex may have once again gone cross-country. Where the hell would he get the money to afford to do this?

Later…

I got a letter from Bob today. Also, a postcard from Kim. She had some left over with stamps on them, so she figured why not send one?

I spoke to Fran earlier and even his friend Sharon. I have a couple of minutes of her on tape, but she’s not nearly as funny as Ann or Melissa (CP lady).

I split that Vegas magazine between Nervous, Fran and Bob. They each got 4 pages.

I do suppose I could write more but I haven’t been in a writing mood.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1993 I never wrote while at the doctor’s office as I luckily wasn’t there forever. She changed my antibiotic to something else and gave me yucky-tasting cough syrup. She also recommended I try charcoal capsules for the gas and bloating I’ve had. This is a weird one I’ve never even heard of before. The last thing she did was have the nurse draw blood right then and there. Originally, I was to return today for the blood to be drawn. Conveniently, it was all done today.

Tom’s been really helpful, patient, and supportive through all this and I really appreciate that.

The only other thing that’s gone on is that Fran’s tried calling both me and Andy.

I took that foam thing I took from my sleeper couch off of my bed. I had 3 problems with it. It was too wide, kept slipping (the sheets) and sagged in the middle too much. I’m better off just waiting till I get a real double bed with a soft mattress.

Real soon I’m gonna hit the sack. I’m taking about 7 different medications right now and they’re making me somewhat drowsy. So - till next time!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1993 Yesterday was an absolutely shitty day. I awoke at 7 AM with a very bad asthma attack. Tom called 911 and they came and gave me two breathing treatments. After they left, I fell asleep for two hours, but have been feeling very tight and congested. I’ve been wheezing and sneezing a lot.

In about 5-10 minutes, I’m going to my doctor. After that, we’ll stop at Jack-n-the-Box.

I haven’t worked on the computer, but last night I mustered up enough strength to draw a few pictures. Tom really liked them. Especially my eagle. It was the very first one I drew. I copied it off of one of my collector’s plates.

I have a few other things to write about, but I’ll save them for my endless wait in the waiting room.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1993 Today I feel a million times better, thank God! Boy, I sure felt lousy. My lungs are much clearer, as well as my nose. I knew I needed an antibiotic. I slept only an hour or so yesterday afternoon and basically accomplished nothing. I had zero energy. Couldn’t even type letters or the 13 remaining pages in #49. I did, though, glue in 12-30. Maybe later I’ll type up 31-43 and some letters too. I may even do some editing.

Tom’s now working on the computer and we made a “date” for later if you know what I mean.

I tried calling Kim to let her know I still haven’t gotten that package. Maybe it got lost, or something came up where she wasn’t able to mail it out. Yesterday I sent out Barbara’s picture of Bob. Also, I sent a letter to Alex and the old smoking log to Nervous.

Later on, I may also do the dishes and straighten up. I’m doing laundry now.

Tammy’s ordering CDs here and if they come here, which they should, I will ship them off to her.

Tom and I have made a decision yesterday. I’ll never be that tolerant of cat dander and smells, so after this one goes home, we’re getting a guinea pig. I do miss them, and now being with Tom, who’ll help change the cage, it’ll be much easier. I won’t have to constantly lug sawdust down 4 flights of stairs and rinse a filthy cage in my tub. Being in a house is so much easier and better for it, as all we have to do is go out back and rinse the cage with a hose. Tom has plenty of hoses.

I’m an expert on guinea pigs. I know them like I know sign language and I know everything they need. I’ll put him in the back room away from where we sleep. This will be good too, as I won’t have to keep my bedroom door shut or step on kitty litter. They eat more and need more things and are a bit more costly, but we can afford it. I’ll tell you one thing, though, and that is that I’m definitely gonna get a lid for the cage. I’m not about to ever again deal with what I went through with Toffee always jumping out and getting into everything.

Well, I’m now gonna go pull out the stuff that can’t go in the dryer and then make some of my honey cinnamon tea.

Later…

Tom’s now running my clothes through the dryer he’s got out in the garage.

I just played with the cat for a little while and for the first time, I didn’t sneeze. I really needed those antibiotics and now, once again, I want to keep him and forget about the guinea pig. Unfortunately, he can’t stay anyway, and I’d rather get a pig, rather than another cat.

I’m now gonna lay down for a bit. It’s still rainy out and that makes you drowsy. Well, it sucks the energy out of me, anyway. Later I’ll do some editing before dinner. Tom’s making us pork chops again. How wonderful to have someone around who likes to cook.

I’m dedicating the last page of this journal to him to write whatever he wants. Only 3 others have written in my journals - Andy, Nervous and Kara.

Later…

Well, I fell asleep for an hour and a half. I awoke at 2:30. An hour after I got up we had pork chops and tater tots. Then I folded my laundry, Tom took a shower, and we fooled around after. It was great. I really believe he does even better down there than most of the women I’ve been with. Things have been excellent with us, both in and out of bed. He went to sleep after we fooled around which was at about 4:30.

At 5 PM the movie Police Academy went on. I’m watching that now. There are two more movies I’ll probably watch. I’ll edit some other time, but I may still type later.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1993 Tom’s gone out to pick up my antibiotics. Last night at 2 AM I awoke all congested, wheezing and sneezing uncontrollably. It’s been worse than usual. Especially with this yucky rainy weather we’re having. It’s been waking me up a lot, too.

I do have more to write, but I am just way too tired. I’ll write more later. For now, I really must try to get some sleep. I need it.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1993 Today I got the envelopes I ordered. Still no packages from Kim, so who knows what’s going on with that?

When Tom got in yesterday morning at 6:30 he went to bed. He’s been there all day and night. He only got up for a few hours. I don’t think he’s feeling too well. I believe the two of us are going food shopping together tomorrow morning.

We’ve only had sex twice since a little over a month ago. I never met anyone like him before. I think it may have to do with our age differences. He’s through with his sexual peak and mine’s just beginning. I’m getting used to this, though. I’ve been used to this and it’s not like he’s a gorgeous woman. Then it’d be much harder to deal with for sure.

Well, he’s up now. I just heard him open the kitchen door. When we go to sleep, which I plan on doing soon, we shut the door to keep the cat in the back, away from clawing our doors.

Earlier I worked out and did a few other things. I typed a letter to Tammy and the girls over Prodigy. I also sent Nervous an old smoking log which certainly did me no good and typed Alex a letter. Barbara’s picture of Bob is ready for her too. I also addressed 5 envelopes to Kim, 5 to Bob, and 1 to Fran.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1993 Last night I didn’t fall asleep till 10:00. I woke up at 6:30. Tom woke up shortly after.

It’s raining out now for the first time in quite a while. This is good, as it’ll settle any pollen and continue to make allergy plants go dormant.

I hope and pray to hell that I finally get my packages and envelopes today.

Right now I’m gonna go and get myself a cup of tea. After I drink it, I’ll finish copying a page from each journal in #49.

Later…

I finally got my hair trimmed today. Tom did, too. She didn’t do as good of a job as Richard did but did good enough. She didn’t get scissor-happy. It’s been trimmed another 2” but is still below my waist. In less than a month it’ll be to the crack of my ass. I feel she could’ve done a better job with my bangs, although it’s still a bit too soon to tell. At least it’s no longer in my face.

Yes, she’s pretty like Andy said. I’d rate her a 7½ - 8, but her body wasn’t great. Her face was kind of broken out, but pretty. Her hair was permed and almost to the middle of her back.

I had forgotten that there was to be no mail today due to it being Veteran’s Day. Oh well, if I don’t get my package tomorrow, then I give up.

Today it rained and was chilly and windy. First rain in quite some time.

I’ve only had 13 cigarettes in the 15 hours I’ve been up. That’s better, but earlier I didn’t feel too great. My chest was tight.

Well, I’m gonna try to conk out now, but if I can’t sleep, I’ll write some more. Before going to bed, I better go check my messages. I do believe I heard the phone ringing. It’s probably either Andy or Fran. Fran left a message last night.

Later…

Nope. That call wasn’t from Andy or Fran. It was from Wendy. Now Tom’s got two messages. One from Eileen, a coworker with a gay daughter, and Wendy, who took her dog to the vet.

I came back to write something else I had just remembered, but now I forgot what the fuck it was.

I keep telling myself to call Mary, but keep forgetting that, too. She had to have lost my number as she certainly would’ve called by now.

God only knows what’s going on with Kara. I have no way of contacting her and she’s got no way of contacting me. Not by phone, that is. I could maybe write to her at her old address at the Via El Camino apartments and it’ll get forwarded to wherever the hell she is now. She could be in Michigan. I remember her mentioning wanting to return there. Will she ever become a cop? I hope so. That’d be totally for her.

Every now and then I still have fantasies about Stacey. I don’t know what it is with that sick bitch. She reminds me of Kate Jackson even though she has light eyes and hair. Did she really ever have a thing for me? I’ll never know for sure, but yes, I believe she did, despite the fact that she shit on everyone. I can’t picture her ever shitting on Rosemarie, Donna, and Tara and Tonya, though. She most certainly never has or will shit on that damn butch. At least I know that everyone I wrote to did receive all my mail. Even Rosemarie. It’s amazing how much legwork both Stacey and Andy put into trying to nail me in court. They were so sure they were going to, too. I’ll bet they’re still pissed that they lost. I’m sure they lied about losing, too. Stacey’s not the type to walk back into the office and admit she lost. Too humiliating for a person like her. Despite that letter I sent her boss, she’s still working there. I knew she would, as like with cops and staff members in funny farms, they protect their own. I have no regrets about writing it, though. I hope she at least got to read it.

I spoke to Tammy a few days ago. She asked me if I’ve talked to Dad.

Fuck no!

She says she’ll mention my guitar. Like it’ll do any good. She hasn’t heard any more about the bastard, but I hope they all killed each other. All 3 of them are good for nothing.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1993 I’m now on my 50th paper journal! Yes, I am actually here before 1998, the year I figured I’d get to #50 when I first began. Although I’ve officially closed #49, I’ve got a project for the last half of it. It’ll only take me a few hours to do it, too. I’m writing two pages from each journal. The only ones I may not do two of are the books of letters.

Tom and I had a great day. He’s now cooking us pork chops and tater tots for dinner which I believe is to be ready any minute.

Later…

That was a great dinner.

I haven’t been able to reach Carolyn, so if I don’t hear from her by tomorrow, Tom and I will go have Richard do our hair Friday.

Tomorrow I have to call Dr. Wilcox’s office to make sure my referral is good till the 22nd.

Last night I fell asleep at 10 PM and awoke at 4 AM to take my meds. Then, I went back to sleep and got up at 6:30.

At 9 AM Tom and I went to the mall. I got this journal, some makeup, and that hair-removal system for $50. I did my legs and my bikini line (as far in as I could go). It wasn’t really as painful as I thought it might be. I could feel it, but it didn’t hurt so much that I couldn’t stand it. It took a while to do and I still have to do under my arms.

Can you believe my God damn package still hasn’t come yet? Neither have the envelopes. In fact, they still haven’t cashed my check. This is bullshit. What’s taking so long? Guess it’s all cuz we’re getting closer to the holidays.

I totally love this journal. It’s the most awesome one I’ve ever had. The outside’s nothing all that spectacular, but I’ve always wanted colored paper for a change from typical white paper. There are 8 of all 6 colors.

Well, I sure did plenty of stretching when I was using the hair removal system, but tomorrow I’ll do the exercises with the video. I’m just too beat now. I’ll remember to put the beast in the back room and close the door between the kitchen and the living room. He gets in the way. Being as flexible as I am really helps when you’re shaving and or removing hair. Especially the backs of the legs.

I hope Alex writes to me. As I said before, Kim says he writes like hell, but I have yet to see this. I’ll write him another letter begging for a letter. I’ll even put a guilt trip on him, cuz I already wrote him a very very long letter.

I just asked Tom, who’s going to bed now, to pick the next color. He picked the one I figured he’d pick. It was also to be my next choice. I have 9 different colors picked out. That’ll look cool. Not only will I have different colored paper, but different colored writing on it. It’s different than writing with different colors all on white paper.

I think I’ll go listen to music for a while now, then I’ll come back and write some more later.

Later…

Amazingly enough, I’ve only had 11 cigarettes today. Nonetheless, my lungs were a bit tight a little while ago, so I made a cup of this honey cinnamon tea Tom bought earlier. It’s good. It helped to clear me up too, and to relax my chest muscles.

I just listened to some music and soon I’m gonna go make another cup of tea.

I just remembered something else I forgot to remove, as far as hair goes. My widow’s peak. I’m not particularly fond of the thing.

I wish I was much more awake than I am now. I’d type some letters, do some editing, and whatever the hell else. I’ve got a semi-bright lime green T-shirt I’m gonna decorate with glue. I also may take one of my pairs of cutoff jeans and glue stuff on that too. I plan to get more Bedazzeler beads one of these days. They’re at Wal-Mart where I got the glue. It’d also be nice to get more colors of the glue. There’s not much variety in only 3 colors.

Gotta send letters soon through the computer to Tammy and the girls. Lisa got a solo in the band playing sax. Great for her. Today’s Bill’s 47th birthday and I sent no card. I’m sure he’s not crying over it any more than I’d be if I were to not get a birthday card from him. The two of us never really liked each other. We’re extremely different, but that’s fine. All that matters is that he makes Tammy happy.

Now I’ve had 12 cigarettes, but that’s still much better than the ridiculous pack a day I’ve been smoking.

I wonder how Nervous and Crystal are doing? I’m sure by now she’s realized she’s made the biggest mistake of her life. If not, she’s even crazier than he is. I wish I could see the look on his face when he pulls out Bob’s dick. Also, when he got my tits.

Well, it’s now almost 6 PM and I am not gonna be able to hold my head up much longer. I’m sooooooo tired. Be back here tomorrow, though. That can be counted on!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1993 I am now sitting outside and it is beautiful out. It’s 82º.

Later…

It’s so hot that I just ran in to change. Andy called, too. I can’t believe that it’s 11/9 and I’m sweating out by the pool in a bikini. How lucky I am.

I have so much to write about and it’s all good stuff, too. Last Friday night Tom and I finally fooled around and it was fun.

We finished sealing up the soundproofing stuff in my windows, but I still have to sleep with my radio on. This is cuz of the mailbox thing and that fucking mutt next door. You also never know if they’re gonna slam their car doors and move shit next door. Their driveway’s barely 5 feet away from where I sleep. So, to be on the safe side, I sleep with it on. There is still a positive side to soundproofing. It does decrease noise and it makes it nearly pitch dark if I am asleep during the day.

Later…

Well, I’m in my bedroom now. It’s too hot out there for writing. Too uncomfortable to write as much as I have to write. It’s so bright and sunny out, too. I wore my sunglasses. No breeze at all. If there were a slight breeze it’d be perfect. Perfect for tanning, although it’s perfect now for that. The only bummer is that you get all heated up but the pool’s too cold. I’m not gonna have any patience for tanning till I can swim.

Later…

I just ran out back to cut my toenails. This way my nails don’t go flying everywhere.

Tom’s working on the computer now. We’ve been doing great together.

Still no package from Kim or letter from Alex. Soon I hope, but I just sent one to Bob who wrote me. Guess what he sent? Two Polaroid shots of him in just long pants, two in his underwear, and one of his dick. I’m keeping the two of him in his long pants. One of the underwear shots is going to Barbara in the NHA. The other, along with his dick pic is going to Nervous. He oughta love it.

Last Saturday I did get my address labels and they’re very pretty. Black print on 5 different metallic colored backgrounds - blue, green, red, purple and gold.

I talked to Tom and finally gave in and set up a doctor’s appointment for the 22nd. The one my referral’s for.

Carolyn got her own phone now, so I hope she can do our hair tomorrow or the next day.

The beast, as I call the cat, is doing fine. My allergies are a little worse, though. Last Sunday night I woke up wheezing my ass off at 11 PM. Thankfully it was no ER attack.

I think I mentioned sending a tape to Kim. Well, everyone has tapes, except Bob. It’s time he got his very own copy of edits, convos, etc.

Yesterday at noon I called KOOL FM, my favorite radio station, to request a song. I said I was dedicating it to my fiancé. Tom got a kick out of it. Of course, I taped it.

Later…

I was just eating and outside smoking. Speaking of smoking, I can’t quit so I’ve developed a cutting-down method at least. I’ve been getting too carried away. I’ve been setting the timer so I only have 1 an hour. Soon, after I get comfortable with this, I’ll up the time by 15 minutes. Every 3 days or so, I’ll up it to 15 minutes to slowly lower my nicotine level.

Real early last Sunday morning Tom and I went to JB’s for breakfast.

After, we went to Walmart. I got a leopard print bodysuit, two exercise videos, a journal, and fabric glue. I still have to get new sneakers, ballet slippers (the practice kind you don’t tie around your ankles), and I saw a gorgeous skirt I want. I’m also gonna get a hair removal system. It yanks the hair by the roots and grows back slower and finer. I hear it’s painful, but no pain, no gain. It’s better than breaking my arm again or childbirth. It’s something I can also stop if it hurts too much.

Next month we’re getting a dishwasher. Thank God! We need it.

The exercise videos really work great. One’s Buns of Steel, the other’s Abs of Steel.

The journal I got was really cheap at $2.69. It was the only one of two there that I liked and it’s got no lines. The one with no lines is a nice change here and there. This way I can write super small or big. I can, and I have done that in lined journals, too, but it looks nicer on blank pages. I now have a total of 50 journals!

I also got 3 tubes of fabric glue. Neon colors of pink, green and orange. They all came in 1 package. Tom bought two white T-shirts which I decorated for him. I also did my yellow half-shirt and I’ll do more clothes of mine later. On journal 20 I had glued on material from an old bathing suit. Then I put blue glitter glue on it, but it would always fall off. Well, I tore it all off and decorated it with glue. I also did journal 37 with the glue too, and put 3 rhinestones on it. They were from my half-shirt. They were arranged a bit crooked, so I stuck them on the side of journal 37. Two are blue and one’s yellow. I also put a pink line of glue on the side of journal 5, too.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now and soon to be off to work. This week he’ll have the next two days off.

I called Carolyn and her boyfriend answered. There’s a possibility of her coming tomorrow afternoon.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1993 I fell asleep around 2:00 or 3:00 PM and although by 10:00 PM I was well-rested, the fucking dog next door woke me up. This weekend for sure, we must seal in any gaps in the soundproofing stuff. This is the last time I’ll be woken up by outside noise, even though it’s only been occasionally. I live in a house now, therefore, I refuse to be woken up by anything outside. Even if it is once or twice a month. The good news is that my asthma’s OK. I just thank God it’s not an everyday thing like it is in apartments I can tolerate dogs and kids very well if it’s off in the distance. I almost like hearing dogs bark way off in the distance. But next door’s too close and too loud. Tom’s snoring is another example. It’s soothingly rhythmic from his room to mine, but I could never deal with it in the same room.

I got two things in the mail yesterday. My referral to a female GYN. Also, a notice of services I didn’t think my health plan covered. Family planning stuff, like birth control pills, IUDs, condoms, Norplant, sponges, creams, shots, vasectomies for guys and tubals for women. At least I don’t have to bother with and deal with all this. Not if he won’t cum and I’m sterile.

Today I really oughta get Kim and Bob’s mail for sure. I mailed Kim her tape in an envelope and wrote “hand cancel” on it.

This weekend or next, Carolyn can do our hair, but in the meantime, I have to get more detangler stuff.

Gotta get like maybe 3 journals and a CD. I’ll save the rest of my money for cigarettes and whatever else I may need. My address labels probably won’t arrive for another month or so.

The cat’s been great. He’s the perfect cat and still never bothers me or claws on my door when I’m in my room. I wish I could keep him.

Now for the weirdest dream of them all, before I forget. I was told by my beautiful neighbors to ring their doorbell at a certain time so I could babysit. I rang their bell and got no answer at the time they told me to. I figured they had to step out. I then looked straight down and realized I was topless! I put my pants on but had forgotten my shirt. So, I glanced over here, thinking, “I better run over here fast and get a shirt on.” But as I turned to run over here, the house kept moving farther and farther away till I was next walking on the beach in CT. I covered my tits with my hand and hair, and in my other hand, I had my journal. The beach was crowded and although no one seemed to notice me, I had to walk out in the water. It was so mobbed that there was no room on the sand, but the water kept getting deeper and deeper. The last thing I remember before waking up was, “Oh shit! My journal’s underwater.” It was up to my neck.

Later…

I am 97 pounds according to the scale, but I’m just finishing my period, so of course I am. In a few days, I’ll be closer to 100. Those Pre-Sym pills do help a bit as far as the bloating goes from water retention.

I’m playing some edits right now and just had another sneezing fit. It was worse yesterday. This weekend I’m gonna dust and vacuum. Gotta do the dishes, too, but hopefully for only 1 more month.

Now I’m gonna make Tom some sandwiches.

Later…

I just made Tom 8 sandwiches. It’s funny but true, that on weekdays I make his sandwiches, and on weekends he makes me my coffee. Also, on weekends, he cooks and I clean. I hate being around him when he eats though. I always thought Andy was #1 on my list of those who are totally obnoxious when they eat making these gross smacking sounds. Not anymore. Tom’s disgusting. Way worse than Andy and me. We agreed to talk about the stuff that bothers one another, but he takes it wrong when I try to tell him about this obnoxious chomping of his. He takes it as a cut-down and gets defensive.

Yesterday morning he and I had a nice talk about his family. He said whenever I’m ready to meet them, fine. He’s been good about this, too, and has never pressured me. I told him I was hesitant cuz everybody loves a liar, and I don’t want to pretend to be who I’m not to please anyone. I’m happy with what and who I am but was afraid they’d cut him down as he has a great job and car, and I don’t. Also, cuz he looks like a conservative man and I look like a girl who’s more on the flashy, modern style of looks. We don’t look the same as most couples do. If his family asks me what work I’ve done, I’m not gonna lie. I’m proud to have been a dancer and to hell with what anyone else thinks. People want to hear awesome lies, rather than the truth at times, although Tom says not to worry at all. I also don’t want to seem selfish either. If Tammy lived here, he would’ve gladly met her long ago.

It’s incredibly chilly out now, so thank God I have this heater. It’ll warm up to 83º today and yesterday was about 85º. I was out back for a bit yesterday afternoon and it was beautiful. Too cool for a bathing suit, but too warm for a heavy shirt. A thin half-shirt was fine.

Today or tomorrow Steve will get his letter. I’m sure he’ll show it to everyone in the office and the entire complex. He’ll also suspect me too, but I don’t give a shit. He’s the type that’ll think it’s weird and somewhat funny, but will mainly be pissed, paranoid and probably scared. I’m sure by now Scott has fucked him over. They’ve probably fucked each other over. How can Bonnie live with a guy like him? I always wondered.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1993 This cat is so good. I wish it were mine. He’s so friendly and loving. He now seems so happy here. He’s not obnoxious and doesn’t wake me up. When I go into my room and close the door he doesn’t claw at it. I think it’s best to keep him out of my room. He knows Tom, but would definitely rather hang with me. This is good, though, as I have much more time to play with him than Tom does. I’m sitting at the table in the living room and he’s sitting right by me. He’s come totally out of his shell.

Now that I’ve been gone two months from Crystal Creek, I decided it was time for Steve to hear from me. You know, the guy that lived below me when I was next to Tom. I assume he and Bonnie are still there. If not, his letter will be forwarded. I never knew his last name, so I addressed it to Steve Jensen. How did I come up with Jensen? Well, Steve’s a firefighter. One time I saw a firefighter on TV here in PHX with that name, so he oughta get a kick out of that one. I’ll bet they do know each other. I pretty much wrote some funny stuff.

I was slightly annoyed earlier as I recorded 3 shows but forgot to up the volume on the VCR remote, so I can’t hear anything. Oh well, they will repeat this show in a few months. All they do these days is 10-15 new shows on almost each of the series, then repeat them all 3 times.

I’m still debating on whether or not to mail Kim’s tape in a mailbag or an envelope. I have done both in the past and they’ve both worked. We’ll see.

Also, when the stamps run out, I could order 50 more or get stamped envelopes. We’ll need envelopes soon, too.

Yesterday Tom got a Signet bill, so I addressed the final letter for Tammy and I’ve mailed out all 3.

Yesterday Tom also got me a portable heater and I love it. It works so well and has a fan and an air purifier too. There are wall heaters here, but only in the living room, the hall by the bathroom and his room, and in the back room. There’s none in our bedrooms and the only thing that comes out of the vents is the AC and EC.

The cactuses I got with Kim are starting to grow.

Later…

Yesterday I called my doctor’s office. They didn’t have my current number and address, even though I gave it to them, so they left a message with Andy. They’re mailing my referral. I have no infections, but they say I have non-malignant cell changes. So. What’s the big deal? Everyone’s cells change, so why should I go to a specialist? Tom says he’s gonna try to talk me into going, but why put myself through more discomfort for nothing? Plus half the GYNs say one thing, while the other half say another. An example of that is, half say I’m average size down there. The other half says I’m too small. I know I’m small. It’s been obvious enough. They also say I can have sex. I have nothing that can hurt Tom, but I’m not sure that’ll make a difference in his appetite.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this yet, but Nervous is gonna be getting an awful lot of mail. Tom got a package of 25 no-postage-necessary postcards for computer stuff. I’d have loved to have sent them to Stacey, Andi, and several others, but they’ll just run and try to get another conjunction. Although they’d lose again, I don’t need the bullshit, so they’re all going to Nervous.

I told Tom of all those weird dreams and he thought they were quite bizarre, too. I have yet to write about one more, but before I do, let me thank God I slept OK. I knocked off at 4 PM, got up at 9:30, took my meds and went back to bed till 1 AM. I talked to Andy at 2 AM for about 20 minutes. Tomorrow he’s taking the AT&T test for the fourth time. I really hope he passes. Again he was saying how he wishes I could go take that test for him. Also that he would’ve gotten a 40% on the civil service test, whereas I pulled off an 81%. How, who knows?

My hand’s pretty sore, so later I’ll do the dream, as well as a list of stuff I want.

Later…

Tom’s gone out to get my prescription and some groceries.

We had a great talk earlier. We finally are beginning to have extra money and things have been so much better with us, it’s making me again want to marry him. To hell with the odds and statistics. I’ve been made to eat my words once again and that is about it getting better with time, rather than worse. But I’ll still never have a kid even though he thinks I’d be a good mom.

He got some great ideas for me to help him out with the computer by doing icons and releasing them for possible donations if people like them. He’s gonna write a biography on me. He told me what he was gonna say and it was very flattering.

He said his friend Wendy says I should go to the crotch doctor as the cell changes could be pre-cancerous. Why oh why must I deal with this? I’ve had enough. Dealing with asthma and allergies is enough.

I got my period and it’s almost over, so at least I’m not horny.

Tom says he ordered something for me by mail, but he won’t say what. It’s multi-colored and made of paper.

I sent a check for $34 for 100 stamped envelopes by mail. Hopefully, my address labels get here soon, and Kim’s package and Bob’s letter.

For Hanukkah, I’ll send Tammy and all of them a check for $25 and only buy a few Hanukkah cards.

When I decide what to do for Tom, do I do it on the 9th or the 25th? How do couples work this out when only one’s Jewish? I’ll figure it out. I’m sure there’s a way. Cuz even though I don’t consider myself Jewish or of any other religion, it’s been a lifelong habit to celebrate or exchange gifts at Hanukkah and ignore Christmas. Except for all the pretty lights, decorations and Christmas songs, it would’ve been so much more fun to have been Catholic as a kid. There are certainly no Jewish Santas. No pretty trees to decorate. Only 8 lousy candles.

In December we might get a dishwasher, then a camcorder. I may also go to Vegas and California in this life. Can you imagine that?! Me? California! Well, that’s what I said about Phoenix, dancing, modeling, relationships, living in a house and marriage. But no kid.

Guess I’ll go make coffee now.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1993 Today was sort of a shitty day. I was living in an apartment all over again. It sure felt that way when the assholes next door woke me up 6 times from 6 PM - 11 PM moving furniture. They were moving something in and out. I’ve always wanted to live in a house and now that I finally do, neighbors are still waking me up. While I seldom hear them, their fucking dog is unpredictable. Whether it’s daily or occasionally, I’m so sick of listening to other people’s noise. I want to wake up when I say so, not someone else’s dog or activities. Also, when I’m awake, I wanna hear my noise. Not someone else’s. I hope these people decided they hate it here and are moving out and a guy like Tom moves in. It’d be so nice to have one person over there with little or no company and no dog. It’d also be nice if these houses weren’t so close.

On the lighter side of things, Kim left a message that relieved my fears. Bob’s alive and well and hasn’t written due to not having money for stamps. She said he was quite ecstatic cuz his court date’s only two weeks away and looking good. In his favor, I mean. She said he was quite “normal” for a change and he mailed me a letter. Kim says my package is to be mailed out today. Can’t wait.

No referral or call from my doctor yet. Oh well, but I am gonna call Tammy now. I still need to read that letter to her.

Also, the cat’s here. It hid behind the stove for a while, but I eventually coaxed it out. It’s friendly and yes, a bit chubby. Shadow was bigger, though. Longer and taller, I mean.

Later…

I finally got ahold of Tam to read the letter to her and to add stuff for her. I printed and mailed 2 of the 3 letters for her. I’m waiting for Tom to get a bill from Signet so I can get the address.

I don’t know this cat’s name, so I’ve been calling him Shadow. He came out from hiding again and was meowing by his litter box.

I sure hope I get Bob’s letter today. Hope to hear from Alex soon, too.

Later…

Tom will be home any minute, but I figured I’d write till then.

Ellie had given me hair glitter gel. I finally used it and it sucks. My hair is all matted.

Last night, around midnight I called Andy. I played him a little more than a half-hour of edits. He called the VV machine. Stacey’s still working there as I figured. Her voice is still on the outgoing message. Two quick segments of her were left. The bitch will probably go call the idiots in Florida, but I could care less. Either them or the so-called parole officer I never had.

Speaking of Stacey, I had a weird dream with her in it and the assholes next door. I dreamt I went out back and caught her sitting by the pool. She had a huge German shepherd that almost bit my knee, but I didn’t care. I was too busy cussing her out.

I was also visiting these so-called people next door, but it didn’t look like a house. I was sitting talking to them in their living room when one of them opened their fireplace door which was solid. The back wall of the fireplace was glass, though, and through it, I could see the apartment next door’s fireplace and into their apartment which was all brick. Then weirdly enough, as I was leaving and walked out the front door, I was outside my old door at Crystal Creek.

Then, there was this part where I was standing at our front door here and glanced down a slight hill at theirs. It seemed to be a brown wooden colored house, much bigger with two floors. I remember turning to Tom who was sitting on the couch and saying, “It’s amazing how they live so close, yet so far.” Apparently, the house was at an angle.

In another part, I was walking across my backyard and through the back of theirs. (there was no block wall) Inside they were talking to Stacey.

Tom’s home now, so I’ll have to remember the weirdest part for later.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1993 Well, I got my period a few hours ago. No severe cramps thankfully.

Yesterday I did more editing.

Tammy called really early, but we were both up. She gave me the addresses of the credit card companies she owes money. I typed a letter to them for her and I will call her at 8 AM her time (later) and see if they’re OK. The letter basically says how she’s struggling and trying to find a job.

Later…

I decided I do like and prefer my phone numbers to be in a journal, rather than an address book. I’ve written stories halfway through #35, and I have decided I’m definitely sick of story writing, so the last half is phone numbers. I’ll probably write stories on and off here and there, but for the most part, I’m tired of it. They’re easier to keep in my head, rather than write them down.

I called Kim a few hours ago. She hasn’t had time, due to tons of ambulance calls, to go check on Bob. She will soon, she says. There’s definitely something wrong. Neither of us has heard a word from him.

Also, no one in my beautiful family’s tried to call, thankfully. Tammy never mentioned anything the last time we spoke, so nothing too exciting’s going on, I guess.

My parents will never send my other guitar, let alone my pictures. I’m sure she never kept the pictures. That was never her intention. Her intention was to throw them away and that’s exactly what she did.

Later…

I just finished making 7 sandwiches for Tom. That oughta help him out and make his workweek easier.

Tomorrow, before he goes to work, he’s picking up that cat that needs to be on a diet.

I have to remember to call Mary soon. It’s been a while since we last spoke and I’ll bet she’s lost my number. I should’ve heard from her by now.

Oh, almost forgot. Yesterday morning I finally spoke to Carolyn (Andy’s coworker). Tom needs his hair cut too, and she says she’ll only charge $5. Between Tom and I, that’d be $10 instead of $16 and she’ll come here. Maybe this weekend.

I can’t wait till Kim sends me that tooth whitener and the camera.

I also can’t wait till I know what in the world happened to Bob. I wish I knew. I hope he’s OK. I hope he gets out here. I need more letters from him. Gotta start filling up Book of Letters #5. It’s got only one full page done. I also hope Alex writes and more often than once a year. Kim says he is a big writer and that once he starts, he goes on and on. Kim said she and Phil got a kick out of Alex’s letter.

I let Kim know I’m sending her a tape. On one side there’s a funny convo with me, Andy, Fran and Nervous. The other side has Andy and Laurie H and also one she’s never heard that I just found of me, Bob and Andy. She oughta enjoy it.

Well, anyway, I think I’ll go do some more editing. It’s been coming along really well. Tom heard some new ones last night. Andy said I could leave them on his machine, but it’ll take forever. It’s a pain in the ass when the VM only goes for 3 minutes each. I’ll wait till we’re on the phone and I’ll play them for him live.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1993 Today was another very good day. Yesterday morning I didn’t fall asleep till nearly 11:00 and was shocked to have slept till 7 PM. There are tons of kids on this street, yet never did I hear a knock or a doorbell. Not even after I got up. I’m so grateful that I hardly ever hear kids. I sure don’t miss hearing them 24/7. The only thing that can sometimes be obnoxious is the dog next door. It’s always outside. The soundproofing stuff in windows really helps. Tom and I are gonna seal it up soon.

This Tuesday we’re having a cat here, but only temporarily. Some elderly couple he knows has 10 cats. One’s gotten fat and needs to be on a diet, so it’ll be here for a month or two.

When I got up, I danced and exercised a bit. Later, Tom set up his keyboard and we played a little of that and some guitar.

I drew a horse which he really likes. Yeah, it was a lucky shot.

Last night we baked chocolate chip cookies and we still got plenty left over. He cooked us burgers and mashed potatoes. Soon I’m gonna go zap some leftovers.

Fran called. It’s cold and snowing! They’re only two hours ahead now.

I hear Tom opening a soda.

Later…

I’m back after having a cookie and telling Tom about a great idea I came up with. The idea is to build a shelf that goes around the whole room across the middle of the wall. Maybe a foot lower than the middle (between the floor and ceiling).

Someone’s out having a good time now. I heard a car stereo. Other than that, it’s quiet and rather chilly out.

Gotta go pee now, but I’ll write more later.

[saturnsholorings]

I really said I was gonna journal here over a month ago and dipped. Wow, sorryboutdat.

Anywhoooo hey, here’s a little update:

I went on vacation! I travelled to Arizona for the first time so see my best friend and it was awesome. Such a beautiful state. I’m 100% through and through a rainy mountains forest-y kinda gal but seeing the red rock mountains and cacti was just so cool and different. The weather was absolutely amazing too.

I tried my first edible. Knocked TF out. Best sleep of my life.

I have been playing a lot of TCSM and rewatching the movies lately and my sick fuck brain has been thinking of writing a spicy 🌶️ book inspired by that universe. Maybe one day.

I’ve been inspired to paint again. I want to paint a hexed totem from DBD, and some other horror pieces.

I have finally made progress on my cook book I’m writing, and I finally have a battery charger for my camera to take the pictures for the book.

And now I’m just in the long run til I move to Indiana. 7 more months. My main goal right now is to just save money for the move, sell some stuff, and make sure my bills are getting paid until then.

I want to have a birthday party for my 25th but I’m not sure what I want to do exactly yet. I haven’t had a birthday party in years.

Well, I guess that’s it for now. Xx

[evermore-crow]

Get To Know Me

Thanks for the tag, @ptork66 :)

These are my favorite things… right now?

1. Animal - Cats, kittens, but really I love every furry little creature. I visited the zoo with my family last week and the capivaras??? Excuse me!?? Adorable!

2. Movie - Pride and Prejudice, because yes

3. Season - Fall, I love the sound the dried leaves make when you step on them. Living in the very very very South, it’s sunny and probably 85 degrees up until the last days of November but the leaves still change color and those colors are looovelyyyy.

4. Character - was gonna go with Mr. Darcy on this one, I love a man that can learn, change and still be broody—and well, Kaz Brekker is all those things too lol

5. Color - DARK GREEN

6. Hobby - right now, my favorite hobby is crochet. I started crocheting in 2020, but never really tried to learn much about it, until this year, I really got into it. But i also love reading and sometimes writing (but we don’t talk about that one). AND SCRAP JOURNALING okay bye.

7. Book - The Count of Monte Cristo, can you tell me what’s better than a beautiful man out for revenge? This has been my favorite book since the summer I was 16, i think, maybe. Of course, I read Six of Crows in 2021 and that changed a lot, what hasn’t changed is the fact that I love a man who’s out for revenge lol

8. Song - august, by Taylor Swift. Look, I’m obsessed, okay?

9. Drink - Coffee, i think. Just, you know, hot coffee with milk and sugar. I don’t even care if it’s 100 degrees out, I will have coffee every day in the morning AND the evening. Yes, it’s the last thing I drink before bed. (yes, I know, sometimes I do forget to drink water)

not tagging anyone, but if you see this and want to do it, be my guest :)

[seasideretreat]

Living

I believe in days. Writing is a burden on the day, but a day that has writing in it is a well-spend day, a fruitful day. You see, when I write something, I have an exciting day full of surprises, you see, because I do other things afterward, I compose, I make sudokus, sometimes I go for a walk; and in this way I plan my perfect day in my mind, and this really keeps me going; but the foundation of it is the writing, because the writing gives me thoughts, it gives me an outlet - I don't know. Yeah, I suppose this blog is just like a public (semi-public) diary of sorts; I just write every day and maybe I'll read it all back sometime, you know, I have been influenced by the stoic concept of journaling, right, in which you just write your philosophical progress every day; and I still have to read Lipsius. You know, I really enjoy my days, but in some ways I just want to play video games, but I know when I start to play video games, the day is over, or it hasn't even begun, playing video games is extra-life, right, it is just giving up in some ways, but this morning, I dunno, I said to myself: I am gonna go downstairs, make coffee, then write and do sudokus probably compose and maybe read a little, maybe play some Tetris - you see, playing Tetris is light gaming, right, casual gaming, but real hardcore gaming is different, right, that is just the total denial of the day, I don't know. Anyway, this morning I thought those things, but at the same time I was thinking: you could just no-life game right now. And I kind of wanted to. You know, these days I don't really feel like playing video games, but I really just think that if you are willing to push everything aside it can be nice, you know, I figure it is a bit like fishing, right, I mean, I guess fishing is pretty intensive psychologically, but you do it because you don't want to do anything else, and that's kind of what gaming is; I mean, I could stop writing and start gaming, you know, but I really don't see it as a way to unwind, I just see it as a way not to do anything useful, you know, I mean in some ways I don't even want to play video games, but you can, and it might be nice, right, a sideline, an avocation. Am I saying writing is my vocation? I dunno, it could be. Right, your calling. You know, all those people talking about a dopamine detox, right, when the real decision is whether you're going to do your best, or you're just going to neglect. You know, my dad never played video games. I don't know if he really had an avocation. You know, he said, I am a workaholic. He could watch movies all day, though, but that's not necessarily an avocation, you know, watching movies is pretty vocational, really, because it's highly similar to reading, maybe, yeah you're just recreating right, it's a pastime; but gaming, you know, it is not so much a pastime as a forget-time; you don't want to worry about anything, you don't want to do your chores, you don't want to live healthily, you don't want to meet people or see the world; you just want to click with your mouse and navigate 3D spaces. Anyway, yeah what did my dad do. Well, he had a website with the Yi Ching oracle book, he could invest tons of time in that and was quite illustrious with it, he was named in an article in our TV guide. I suppose that was his avocation; you see, an avocation is pretty much akin to a job, only it is way more irresponsible, there's no pressure.

You know, maybe we should address briefly the topic of the usefulness of gaming and writing. Yeah I suppose writing really isn't that useful. Nobody reads it and it doesn't make any sense. I have nothing to say and I go on for too long and there's no overarching idea and its not gonna cure climate change or bring world-peace. You know, I actually think war is essential, because no matter how horrible war has become, the best things in life have to be fought for, and so war will always exist in some form - in the end, we have inevitably a primitive world somewhere that expresses itself only as indulgence and conflict and people will always obey those primitive laws. But anyway, gaming can teach you a lot, just like writing can, I suppose that is the simplest reason why we should do it, but yeah, if you want to learn, you will always find there's enough to learn in doing nothing et cetera. You see, if you spend your day productively, you will live for beautiful things, you know, you will be free, you will be amazed by the complexities of the world; whereas gaming is just an oversimplification, you know, I really believe gaming is the productivity killer; you know, and it seems you can spend your day either for productivity or for exertion, right, and we might say that gaming or working is a form of exertion, but writing is a form of exertion as well, albeit a way more interesting form of exertion than gaming, more creative, more dynamic. I do think gaming is a good work-out for the mind; you know, you can really pick up a language in a game, like I am learning French by playing Skyrim in French et cetera et cetera; but learning languages is stupid, and you're never going to be a philosopher that way; you know, I shoud really read Lipsius, but that's too hard really, and we just have to read novels or compose music or something or play sudokus, you know, and those are indeed good pastimes; but all those things are serious, maybe, whereas gaming is just whimsical; it's a bit of a rebellion against life, without having to go psychotic, but you have to accept that you're not going to have a life. And you know, I am not even sure if you're going to make friends this way, although yeah, I am a solitary man - I have that in common with my dad as well. I honestly feel the most community I will experience will come from my music, although yeah I have this writing as well who knows what will come of that and I read, I take walks; yeah, I guess I just want to improve my status, I want recognition.

[myaquariusheart]

14/4

I usually write in my journal but I've been overthinking too much about my handwriting and at least here I don't need to worry about my handwriting. Another upside to just writing here, it's easy and convenient and I'm always on my laptop. I really want to document every day of my life so I can look back and see what was happening. I hate that I don't commit to writing every day because there are so many memories I forgot about. Even writing about the little things are essential, my mood, what I did in the day, the progresses of my relationships with people, etc. Today I woke up and went to the university to work on my presentation. We're going to present it next Monday and although I am super nervous I think it will be great for me to work on my confidence, and it's only 10 mins so it can't be too bad. I just finished watching the new episode of Power, right now I'm more interested in Monet's storyline than Tariq. The whole Lauren situation is such a bore to me and I can't be bothered with it. Obviously, Tariq is going to love her, but she is not right for him, she doesn't suit his lifestyle. He is a drug dealer at the end of the day and she is just a good rich student. Lorenzo is also dead and I don't get why they keep killing people off, I think it would have been interesting to see Monet and Lorenzo's relationship drift apart alongside the kids but the writers have robbed us of that. Now we're just going to see Cane take over his pops. Tomorrow I'm taking Alv to the cinema to watch the Super Mario movie, which I'm excited about for her and hope she enjoys even though she doesn't know too much about it. I'm sure she will be obsessed with Princess Peach by the end of it. I had really bad anxiety before but it's all gone now which I'm happy about. I started to read YOU again and have made it my mission this year to get through all 4 books. Caroline has released the 4th book yesterday and it came in the post today. It did come damaged which is also irritating my brain. I just hope after all my assignments are finished I can finally get into reading again, I feel so shit that I bought that short storybook about witches and never finished it, but I will finish it after I've completed the You series. Right now I am feeling okay, just happy I'm able to write and need to think of some goals to do this year. I need to book my theory again I know I have definitely given up after I failed but ill put more mind to it once my dissertation is complete. I also have that stupid essay for Sports Science which is another cursed Literature Review. Anyway i need to be positive as i am a powerful human being and everything i say will speak into existence. I haven't been manifesting in a long time, and i need to. I constantly get over fixtaed on something and just forget it about it forever, like last week i went gym EVERYDAY and this week? Not even once. Anyway that's why we have a new day everyday and its another chance to better myself. Maybe i can start gym next week when I'm feeling motivated too. Gonna go back to watching Love is Blind and try and sleep.