#gonna say that he’s just gonna push that down to be dealt with in therapy in like 40 years from now

[bitchapalooza]

What if Sanji immediately hated Zoro because of his green hair reminding him of Yonji? And some self destruction tendencies came out and he soiled what could have been an unquestionably strong bond that wasn’t build purely out of obligation from being on the same crew under the same captain?

[lover-of-mine]

I'm gonna start this off by saying that this has been ping-ponging around my head like that old dvd screensaver, quicking around and getting more unhinged every time it hit a corner since April. And while this is a meta on the cemetery scene in Death and Taxes, I will be going back and forth in the whole show, so I don't know, buckle up, grab your delusional juice, and come with me if you feel like it.

First thing about that scene is that it tries to make you think about the equine therapy conversation in Dumb Luck.

They are in a location we have never seen before and probably will never see again, the outfits are similar, and even the circumstances of the conversation could be read as close to each other, considering Eddie wasn't doing well after almost dying, Buck is definitely not handling his death well. I made a way too detailed meta about the cinematography of buddie during Eddie's breakdown era (you can read it if you want more details) but the main thing about the dumb luck conversation is that Eddie is finally letting Buck in after continuously shutting him down when he tried to offer help and that's reflected on the way they filmed the scene, the way they are talking, moving, positioned in the frame. It's about Buck reminding Eddie that there's hope after all. Considering the moment Buck's in, with them alluding to that conversation, you would've expected for them to do a similar thing with Buck, right? That this scene going to give Buck the same type of peace the equine therapy talk gave Eddie.

But it doesn't. One thing that's kind of a pattern with Buck, Eddie, and Eddie reassuring Buck (if you could call 2 scenes a pattern) is that they have Buck looking up at Eddie (I also talked about this in more detail here if you're interested) but that's interesting because of Buck's height, he's the tallest person in the room, so he's not usually looking up at people, but something about Buck as character is that he has the tendency to sit in higher places, so he's always higher, and he even picked a place where he can sleep in a high spot.

But when he's getting reassurance from other people in his life, they are both usually sitting down, at the same eye level.

But when he goes to Eddie for reassurance, Eddie is standing up and Buck is sitting down, so Buck is literally looking up at Eddie when he goes to Eddie for advice. And Eddie is always focused on Buck, in Home and Away, Eddie is reasoning with him, and in Recovery Eddie is trying to give Buck what Buck is asking while not pushing his boundaries.

Why is that relevant here? Well, Buck spends the whole conversation in the cemetery trying to get Eddie to look at him and Eddie spends most of the conversation looking forward so he won't have to.

And that alone is very interesting because Eddie is always looking at Buck. I could legit put 100 screenshots here to prove it. So the fact that Eddie can't look at Buck here, means something. Because Buck wants Eddie to be on his side, he needs Eddie to tell him he's doing the right thing, but the way he's talking is making Eddie shut down.

Buck wants answers, right? He wants the easy way out. He died, he has feelings about it he doesn't want to deal with, so he's looking for whatever answers he can get so he won't have to. But the way he's talking sounds a lot like the way Eddie talks to him in Kids Today when he drops Christopher off with him before the tsunami. Very you're alive, get over it thing Eddie had going that ended with him literally destroying everything he had. So, like, we know that's not the way to go about near-death experiences, it doesn't end well because the pressure has to go somewhere and let's face it, Buck has never dealt with anything that happened to him ever. He can't just keep moving past the shit he's been through, at some point, that's gonna catch up to him.

But the thing about the actual content of the conversation is the way that Eddie tries to do the thing he usually does, reason with Buck, "been down that road, don't recommend it" or "or you don't know her the way he does" or "now am I allowed to ask how you are", because it's how they work, but Buck shuts him down with the "I feel like she sees me, like she really sees me for who I am" because that threw Eddie off balance in their relationship, in their friendship really, considering they way they showed us buddie from in a flash to mixed feelings, Eddie is trying his best to be someone Buck relies on, the way we've seen him rely on Buck through his trauma recovery. And one thing we see Eddie constantly do is back away so he won't get hurt once things get too intense. He puts space between him and whatever is bothering him, he ran to LA to escape his parents' judgment (and to be closer to Shannon but his parents played a part there), he kept Shannon at arm's length through most of the time she was back in his life before she died, he kept pushing Buck away after the lawsuit, he pushes everyone away really before his PTSD took him down. Dude retreats from the fight if he's not sure and Buck throws him off balance. Because up until this moment, Eddie thinks he's helping, but we see him realize he was wrong and shut down in real time.

He's still trying, but his thing now is agreeing with Buck. This gif has 11 seconds, black and white because I wanted the whole thing in one gif, but Buck is trying to get a reaction out of him, but Eddie already moved to a whatever you say buddy mode. AND EDDIE JUST WON'T LOOK AT BUCK.

So Buck wants to know if he's doing the right thing, Eddie is agreeing with him not because he agrees with him but because now he thinks that whatever he's doing is not helping so putting distance between them will be what's best because Buck is getting what he needs somewhere else so he needs to minimize the damage to himself.

And the distance thing is something that stays until the end of the season, because during the first half of 6B, they are together the whole time, mixed feelings being obviously the biggest example, but they made a point of highlighting the fact that they were very close outside the firehouse, just to stop. They were chilling at Buck's loft, they were out and about scheming the fire captain, Buck looked more comfortable at Eddie's than he did in his own place. But then we don't even see them together in the hospital after the bridge. Like, there's s p a c e now.

And I spent a really long time trying to figure out what was going on with this scene that made such an impression on me, and it's that Buck doesn't sound like someone who believes in what they're saying, he sounds like someone who's justifying themselves and hoping they are doing the right thing. And Eddie doesn't really let him get away with this line of thought, not usually, but he does now, so they leave that conversation with different impressions of how it went. Buck thinks he's right and Eddie is just backing the fuck off.

And a while back it downed on me what other scene this made me think of. And that's the fountain scene in merry ex-mas.

They are even shot in a similar way, the off-center wide angle, the close-up from a side angle where you can see the other one slightly blurry, the focus of the conversation angled toward the front of the frame, everything happening in an outside location we will never probably see again, the way they are not looking at each other. And the conversation is similar too, I mean, sure they are not talking about dying but it is a big decision in Eddie's life that sounds like Eddie is justifying himself and needs Buck to agree with him. And Buck is agreeing with him, and not talking about it even though we KNOW he has opinions because he kept trying to talk about it with Chimney because Buck doesn't think it's his place to have an opinion and offer it to Eddie. Both scenes sound like they are talking and understanding each other but what the scene is showing us is that they are not.

And something about the way they are pretty much never looking at each other is that it is a way to show they are not seeing eye to eye in a situation, the most extreme example I can think of it is when Eddie drags Buck out of bed in Kids Today because they are pretty much never looking at each other there.

But to have them face the same direction is a really easy way to make you feel like something is wrong, especially if they are not moving, because if they are standing in the same spot for 3 minutes they could've turned to face each other, but they don't, because the message here is that they are not really seeing each other. And that in a conversation where Buck is talking about being seen by someone else????? Like, come on, that's so on purpose.

I also wanna add a take that's not mine, all credit to @anxieteandbiscuits for putting this particular thought in my head with this post, that's basically about how the "dating someone you rescued? that never ends well" line might also be another justification for why Eddie chooses to stay quiet. Because one thing is true, and that is that buddie do be rescuing each other. And it really sounds like something Eddie would do, to justify to himself not doing something that could make him lose Buck any way he could, because romantic relationships are very unstable, no matter how much you want it to work, how much you love each other, there's a very real level of unpredictability in a romantic relationship that doesn't exist in their friendship. So to imagine him going "the friendship is good, the friendship is what I need, I won't do anything to change that because I don't have to and it probably wouldn't end well with our track record anyway" makes a lot of sense too.

If you made it to here, I love you <3

I have more metas here if you feel like reading more of my brand of insanity.

[mastcrmarksman]

Someone brought it up. . . . Clint's human, completely, in the world of superheroes, gods, and monsters. He has developed forms of chronic pain from countless injuries and recovery times. Chronic pain is now a consistent thing in his life, and with my HC'd recovery arc for Clint (alcoholism and return to character) he is having to find new ways in managing it (still figuring that out)

When Clint does down, whether he likes it or not? He is down for weeks. There is no healing factor here. Additionally, Clint has absolutely made injuries worse, because he's in a situation where he had to push through some great physical pain.

Now, we can dip this into, that when clint does start drinking and what leads to it being a problem, is it's what he uses for pain relief and muscle relaxant, since alcohol is a downer (versus being a stimulant). You pair that with beinf out for three to six weeks at a time, what do you do to pass the time between necessary physical therapies? Drink and drink some more. What else is he gonna do?

So this is after Clint gets shot up by the Stone Perfs, a street gang. I am showing these panels to note what the doctor says "he's in a lot of pain, we are going to keep him heavily sedated" as well as this next panel to show "three weeks" (which this plotline- I will break down later) [ from avengers spotlight/solo #36 or 37 ]

Now I am actually taking us further back, to show that injury and pushing through injury is just been part of Clint's character since he was a kid and he's dealt with a lot of physical pain even earlier than being an avenger. [ from avengers spotlight/solo #1 ]

Here's an example of Clint having to push through pain and injury to make a shot (to save Bruce Banner). "Pain's bad, suck it up." [ from thunderbolts vol 1 #34 ]

And my final point is that Clint seems to have known and worked with multiple doctors over th years, and may support my headcanon that he may not bother having a primary (though he really needs one). The implication I am showing from this panel here is that he has had enough injuries that "dozens" may not be am exaggeration for how many doctors and surgeons he has known. [ from avengers: no road home ]

There is more panels I could show of injured Clint and go into his whole mindset, how it's possibly something that could be tied to what led to him having a drinking problem [ which he is canonically an alcoholic in wastelands ; so some supporting evidence but alcoholism and sobriety arcs are technically blog canon/fanon/headcanon writing decision ]

The point of this post was Clint and deals with chronic pain, aches and pains, soreness, and bad pain days he deals with; all caused by the accumulation of pushing his body to keep up with supers and gods, and as result of his past injuries. Currently working on finding a proper pain management since going sober.

[sincerelyjxyy]

Gold Rush - Eight

Invisible String - Gold Rush

Chapter Eight - Palms Pressed Together

Song Of The Chapter - Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus

✧ friendship is the most underrated relationship in our lives. it remains the one relation not bound by law, blood, or money - but an unspoken agreement of love. — hanya yanagihara, relying on friendship in a world made for couples ✧

Summary: The pogues have to deal with the consequences of getting themselves involved with supposed square groupers. But what happens when John B's theory about is dad is proven to be true, and Big John sends them on an adventure unlike any other?

Word Count - 11.1k

Gold Rush Masterlist

AFTER BEING NEARLY KILLED BY THE COMPASS HUNTERS, THE POGUES CRAMMED INTO THE TWINKE AND LEFT THE CHATEAU. John B had urged their departure as soon as he was certain the men wouldn't be returning. It was obvious that a plethora of ideas were running through his head, as he tried to make sense why his dad would engrave Redfield into a compass.

Josie, however, was more focused on recovering from their near-death experience. As the group made their way to wherever-the-hell John B had concocted and offered their own theories on the compass, she kept relatively silent.

She sat sideways on the back bench, next to Pope and across from JJ, knees pulled up as she jotted her thoughts down in her journal. Taylor played lightly on the radio, courtesy of the duo up front. Josie knew Kie had fought for it for her sake, and John B abnormally relented without argument.

As if it wasn't bad enough she'd lost her most prized possession, but she also had to deal with conflicting feelings about her boyfriend's absent-minded confession of love. Then, she had to witness a woman get beaten by a couple of scary men. And then, those same men threatened her and her friends' lives for the second time within twenty-four hours.

They also caused the death of her favorite rooster. So, Josie felt more than entitled to a moment of mental solitude in the backseat.

"I mean, it's obvious, right?" John B inquired. "A family heirloom. I mean, what better place to hide a message? He had to know it was gonna get back to me, right?"

The brunette sounded sure of himself as he rattled his thoughts off to his friends. Josie couldn't help but feel a bit bad. Everyone dealt with grief in their own way, and John B had always been skeptical about admitting that Big John had really died at sea.

How far would her friend's subconscious push him to deal with his grief that way?

"Yeah. It's possible," Kie agreed from the passenger seat. However, she sounded like she was trying to reassure John B more than she actually believed his father was trying to contact him.

"It could also be possible that you're concocting wild theories to help, y'know, deal with your sad feels," Pope added for argument's sake as he fiddled with the compass.

John B shook his head and sternly used the boy's name to voice his disagreement. Kie glanced back at Pope and shook her head to scold him.

He shrunk back in surrender, making Josie humorously scoff and eye the eldest pogue in amusement. "Did you really just say feels unironically?"

"Bro, y'know how I process my sad feels. Dank nugs and the stickiest of ickies, that's how I do it," JJ stated as he shrugged.

Josie groaned in disgust and scrunched her face at him, shaking her head to silently demand he never say something like that again. His honesty was not appreciated.

"I'm not concocting, okay?" Denial and insistence bled through John B's voice as he spoke up. "My dad's trying to give me a message." He turned his eyes to scan them all with confidence, but everyone remained firm with their own doubts.

Josie's lips pursed sympathetically as she turned her gaze to the back of his head. The revelation of his father's survival would mean the world to him—she knew that.

"If it helps you believe, John B," Kie started softly, but John B frustratedly interrupted her.

"Look, I-I don't need a therapy session, okay? Look, I'm not trippin' out."

"It's okay to trip, bro-" JJ added, causing John B to turn and assertively cut him off.

"Look, my dad is missing, okay?" He turned back around. "Missing. You don't know what it's like to have the closest person to you vanish, and then have no idea what happened. Just wake up every morning, wondering."

Josie thought about JJ just vanishing out of thin air. Never hearing from him again, and no one having any real answers. She thought about never hearing his laugh again, never seeing his bright blue eyes and laughing at his stupid attempts at jokes. Her heart broke at the mere thought.

Her best friend, gone forever.

"It's been almost a year," Kiara reminded softly as she stared at John B.

It was wild, the amount of time that had passed. Nine months ago, life had been completely different. Josie and Kie weren't even around to comfort their friend when his dad disappeared.

The reminder caused guilt to slowly build its home in Josie's chest, and she had to physically shake the feeling away before it became too much.

"Hey, he could've been kidnapped," JJ offered. "That's definitely a possibility." He looked over at Josie for her support, and, despite being unsure, she shrugged and hummed in agreement. She wanted to believe that Big John was alive and trying to reach out to his son for help, but it felt so far-fetched that she felt silly for holding onto hope.

"Yeah, could be in a Soviet sub getting interrogated by the KGB somewhere. Or in a European lab getting tortured," Pope added. Narrowing her eyes at him, Josie set her journal on her bent thigh to reach out and smack the back of his head. His backwards cap fell forward onto his face, satisfying Josie.

"Absolutely. Uh...or Atlantis." JJ nodded toward Josie. "Or Libertalia. Probably found all that gold that Avery dude hid."

It was doubtful that Big John had been able to locate the lost colony. There was so much more research and digging that needed to be done to even get close to the treasure. And Josie was confident that she knew things about the treasure that only a couple of people alive knew. None of those people included John B's father.

Avery's treasure was a legend for a reason.

"JJ," Kie reproached, glancing at him weirdly before turning back to John B. "Look, what do you think the message is?"

"Redfield," John B answered easily. As he did, they passed a sign that displayed the exact name he'd mentioned. "Redfield Lighthouse. That's my dad's favorite place."

"Did you just say lighthouse?" Josie questioned cautiously as she looked up from stuffing her journal into her backpack. Kiara winced, staring back at her best friend in pity.

It wasn't lost on any of them that the last thing Josie would want to do after witnessing abuse, watching her favorite rooster die, and almost dying herself, was climb to the top of a tall structure. In fact, Josie could think of almost nothing worse. It was dreadful. Horrific.

She gave out a simple huff and harshly zipped up her bag, glaring daggers into the back of John B's head. JJ tried to make her smile by poking the skin of her thigh, but she bushed him off and crossed her arms.

Shortly after, the Twinkie came to a halt in front of the fence that surrounded the lighthouse. All five of them clambered out of the van, and Josie's eyes drifted upward to follow the height of the building.

She had to stop herself from throwing up at the mere sight. The thought of her and her friends climbing up it had already made her feel dizzy.

"Right, here's what's gonna happen." John B turned to address both JJ and Josie. "You're both gonna post up and look out for bogeys, okay?"

"Wait...why me?" JJ asked as he pointed to himself.

"Because you're not coming," Pope answered obviously. Josie glanced at him, unimpressed, but remained silent as the boys conversed.

"Why?"

"Look, JJ, there are independent and there are dependent variables. And you're an independent variable. We don't know what you're gonna do!" JJ frustratedly argued with Pope as he spoke, yelling at him to shut up.

The girls watched on, impatient with the boys' inability to do anything without fussing about it. Josie was sure they were going to start calling each other names, when John B interrupted the argument.

"Just listen to me for a second, just listen. Jose isn't going up, so JJ, you're staying down. Pope, you stand lookout with them. Okay? If we get split up, we meet back at JJ's house."

"Great," Kie agreed. She turned to squeeze Josie's shoulder in parting.

Josie returned the gesture to her arm, glancing back up at the circular building. "Love you. Please be careful."

Kiara sent her a reassuring smile and nodded, before turning to hop over the fence. John B stared at JJ as the blond continued to defiantly look at him. Josie groaned and grabbed his shoulder, tugging him backward by his shirt.

"You're lucky this one's my favorite." JJ shook his head and threw his thumb over his shoulder toward Josie, glaring at John B with no real malice. John B dismissively waved his hand and parted to follow Kie.

Josie chuckled at the small pouty attitude JJ sported as their friends left. She mockingly pouted her bottom lip out at him and let out a teasing hmph, laughing when he shoved her shoulder. She reached a hand up to ruffle the hair atop his head, which led to a smacking contest between them.

"I'm gonna work on my merit scholarship essay, and I'm trying to keep felonies down to a minimum."

Josie snapped and pointed her finger at Pope in agreement. The brainy duo shared a smile, before her attention was drawn to amusedly watch as JJ began to play keepy-uppy with a pinecone.

"Alright, would you just shut up already?"

Josie rolled her eyes. "Oh c'mon, Sunny. You'd really rather be up there climbing all those stairs than down here keeping lookout with me?"

JJ shook his head, and he looked up at her as if she'd just said the dumbest thing he'd ever heard. "No. I think you and me should go up there and make the others keep lookout."

Josie laughed, her eyes following the path of the pinecone as he kicked it back and forth between his feet. "First off, this is literally John B's thing, so we wouldn't go up there without him. Second, there's no way I'd ever climb up that thing. Not even with you."

He stopped to offendedly stare at her, and he let out a huff when she raised her brows at him. He knew he couldn't argue the point further, so he resigned to doing his keep-uppies.

He mumbled something under his breath about Josie going up there if it was Max, and she ran her tongue over her lips in annoyance. She really wanted to work on the pogues' relationships with Max. It was clear which one would be the hardest to establish if JJ stuck to his stubborn dislike of her boyfriend.

Which really sucked, because he was the person she was closest to.

Without warning, he kicked the pinecone in the air toward her. She struggled as she lifted her leg and tried to catch it like she'd seen him do. It was an absolute fail, as she stumbled on one foot and missed the object.

JJ laughed and observed Josie as she tried to balance, before she completely fell and just barely caught herself. She narrowed her eyes up at him in a failed attempt to scold him. She blew out a breath as she stood and dusted herself off, while he grabbed another pinecone from the ground.

"D'you want me to teach you?" He chuckled through his question.

Josie went to agree, when the bag on her back started ringing. She held up her pointer finger and brought her bag around to dig in it and find her phone.

When she caught sight of the caller ID, she winced and sheepishly glanced up at her companion.

He scoffed, already aware of the meaning behind her expression, and tilted his head down to break their eye contact. In an effort to appear nonchalant, he focused on kicking the pinecone up and ignored her as she hesitantly turned away.

A part of her urged to let it ring through, just so that she could avoid the frown set on JJ's features. But the incessant bussing in her palm reminded her that doing so wouldn't be fair to herself or Max. JJ's hatred of kooks couldn't affect her relationship.

So, with a sigh and one last glance at her friends, she made her way around a tree before she answered. "Hello?"

"Well, hello, beautiful. For a second there, I thought you weren't gonna answer." Max's greeting was full of enthusiasm and fondness. It was as if he hadn't completely ditched her that morning after dropping the L bomb out of nowhere.

She briefly wondered if he'd even remembered that he'd done it.

"Oh, hey, baby. How was golf?" Josie tried her best to sound as polite as possible.

She completely missed the offended scoff JJ shot in Pope's direction. Pope shrugged, narrowing his eyes at the blond to inquire why it bothered him so much. "Dude, it's her boyfriend. Of course they're gonna say gross crap like that."

JJ shook Pope's statement off his shoulders, straining to listen in on his best friend's conversation.

"It was good; thank you. The boys and I went to Rafe's afterwards, just to catch up and stuff." Max let out a small chuckle as he reminisced on whatever must've happened at the Cameron house.

Josie went to ask about it, but refrained when she realized that she'd probably get annoyed at whatever he told her. She simply hummed and nodded even though he couldn't see her, throwing a few glances back over her shoulder to make sure the boys were dying or fighting.

"You know..." She could make out the teasing lilt of her boyfriend's tone. "Rafe couldn't help but ask about you a couple times today. I think he might have a crush on you." He tsked and grinned at the uninterested scoff that left Josie's lips. She crossed her left arm over her chest in defense.

It wasn't a secret to Max that Rafe and Josie had history, if one could even call it that. Rafe had been her first kiss when she was eleven and played a dumb game of seven minutes in heaven. That mistake had followed her to every corner of the island ever since, mainly in the form of said boy being an absolute jackass to try and gain her attention.

But one thing was very clear: Josie had never been interested in the Cameron boy.

"Trust me, he doesn't. No one buys into the whole 'kook versus pogue' thing more than him, except maybe Topper." Josie scrunched her face at the mention of her antithesis.

"Yeah, but you're a kook," Max pointed out with a humored sing-song. Josie scoffed but didn't refute him, because he was technically right. "But that's beside the point. You got any plans for the rest of the day?"

Josie felt a tinge of bitterness and irritation grow at his question. The audacity he had to have to ditch his girlfriend during a date, and then call her hours later and ask to hang out.

Yes, they were in a relationship, but why did he make it seem like she was disposable to him? Her plans didn't revolve around when he was free and when he felt like being together.

"I do, actually, yeah." Josie sighed and leaned against the tree. "I ended up calling Kie this morning to come and get me. And since I assumed you'd be with your friends the rest of the day, I told her I'd spend the day with her."

As a car door shut on the other line, a sarcastic laugh came from behind her. She glared back at JJ, suddenly aware that he was eavesdropping on her conversation. Pushing off from the tree, she walked further away and shot a middle finger back behind her.

"No, I get it; it's okay." The lack of argument on his end was appreciated by Josie, who was too tired to engage in a lovers-spat.

For the next few minutes, Max went on a rant about his golf round and how he'd absolutely demolished Topper and Kelce. Josie tried to pay attention; she truly did. But she couldn't help the uninterested hums that escaped her as he told her all about how he'd practically perfected his back swing.

It was when Max had finished boasting that he finally took a breath. He contently sigh as Josie picked at the skin of her middle finger with her thumb. She peeked behind her and smiled when she realized that Pope had joined JJ's pinecone game; only now they tossed it for JJ to catch in his shirt pocket.

"Well, I don't want to take up any more of your time; Kiara probably wants to kill me already. Just call me later, and we'll figure something out." She could hear the soft smile behind his voice and stopped herself from outwardly cooing.

"Will do. Talk to you later."

Once the couple bid their goodbyes, Josie stuffed her phone into her back pocket. She turned to trek back to the boys, who both unsuccessfully tried to act like they hadn't been intently listening in on her long conversation.

She rolled her eyes and crossed both arms over her chest. "Y'know, usually when someone walks away, that means that they want the conversation to be private, not public for nosy best friends to listen in on."

She raised her brows at Pope, who actively avoided her fierce gaze. Her eyes narrowed at the lack of a sarcastic comment from him, and her gaze turned curious as it swung between a tense JJ and an awkward Pope.

"What'd you mean when you said you ended up calling Kie?" JJ accused, lips pressed together as he bitterly stared at the pinecone he continued to kick between his feet. Josie shrugged and scuffed her shoe on the ground. It was annoying that he'd somehow turned the conversation into an opportunity to question her.

"Did you guys hang out? Is that why you were dressed so pretty this mornin'?"

The acidic tone of his voice caused Josie to glare at him. Her irritation passed from her boyfriend to her blond best friend, and she completely avoided the petty compliment he'd paid her.

She opened her mouth to spit out a remark but decided against it.

The last thing she wanted to do was admit to both boys that Max had ditched her. Because deny it as much as she might, it was embarrassing and wounding to her pride that her boyfriend could so easily do something like that.

Besides, she didn't feel like hearing the lecture concerning her choice of partner that JJ would no doubt give her.

He glanced up at her expectantly, but she only continued to stare back with her arms crossed. JJ opened his mouth to make another jest at her boyfriend, but he was stopped by the sound of sirens that blared from behind them.

Through the trees, the flashing red and blue lights slowly became easier to make out as they got closer.

"Oh, shit!"

The trio stumbled as they all scrambled toward the Twinkie. JJ hurriedly opened the passenger door for Josie, practically shoving her through it. Once she was in, she reached over to start the van as JJ slid over the hood and climbed into the driver's side.

They barely had time to register Pope shutting the sliding door before JJ peeled away and headed in the opposite direction of the approaching cop cars.

"Any bright ideas on what we do now?" Pope breathlessly asked from the backseat.

Josie turned to look at JJ, who shrugged. He stared at Josie as if she were the one who made the calls, and she sighed.

"Okay, guess we're going to JJ's."

☼

It wasn't long after they'd fled the scene that the trio were informed by John B and Kie that they'd been detained. It also wasn't long after that when Josie had received her own private text from Kiara. One that had Josie demanding JJ drive and drop her off at the Wreck.

pink parrot

When Josie was eleven and had her first kiss, the first and only person she'd wanted to tell was Kiara. But Petunia had been monitoring Josie's phone conversations, and, to an eleven-year-old, nothing was worse than having her mother find out that she'd kissed a boy. But she had no way to tell Kiara why she was so desperate to talk to her without spilling the beans.

So, the duo created a set of safe words for any case of emergency. Pink parrot was the one that stuck, loosely translating to: We need to talk asap; find me immediately.

After receiving said text and forcing JJ to drive her with no explanation, Josie all-but-sprinted through the doors of her workplace and raced up to the bar that Kiara sat behind. The brunette spackled the wall that had been damaged during Hurricane Agatha, but Josie couldn't care less about the cracks. She obviously had more pressing matters to attend to.

The redhead was noticeably out of breath as she reached her destination. She stood with her palms pressed to her knees as she bent down to catch her breath. After a few heaves, she looked up at Kiara with eyes wide and full of curiosity.

"What's up? What's going on? What's so dire?"

Kie shushed the frantically breathing Josie, who squeezed her eyes shut as she remained bent down. The older girl grabbed at her chest, letting out a groan as she inhaled more air. She fleetingly wondered if it was okay to be that out of shape for her age.

Kiara grabbed Josie by the elbow and pulled her up, leading her through the kitchen and into the walk-in freezer. The motion drew Josie away from her lack of oxygen and toward the uneasy look on her best friend's face. "Jesus, it must be serious if you're dragging me into Antarctica."

"If I tell you this, you have to promise you won't freak out," Kiara scolded.

Josie scoffed as she crossed her arms. She was almost never the kind to flip her lid; she was not a very angry person. "Please, I'm as cool as a cucumber."

Kiara stared at her skeptically. Josie watched the silent debate dance across her eyes, before she pushed herself across whatever mental threshold she stood behind.

"John B kissed me, at the lighthouse."

It was a ringing—a very loud, very prominent ringing—that sounded through Josie's ears. Like someone had banged a set of pots together right beside her head, and she was still recovering from the aftermath. Like someone had used her head as the clapper of a giant bell, and her head was still ringing with the noise of it. Her vision seemed to grow blurry; little black fuzzies surrounded the outer portion of her vision like a tunnel. She could feel bile make its way up her throat.

She stared at her friend in paralyzing shock.

"Jose? You okay?"

She couldn't believe it. She couldn't fucking believe it. There was no way. There was absolutely no actual way that it was true. Who the hell did John B think he was?

When Josie got her fucking hands on him.

"He...he kissed you? Like on the mouth?" Josie was flabbergasted. It was like someone had written P4L on a piece of paper, crumpled it up, and threw it into a fire. Her skin itched, and her stomach ached. Her body trembled, and she couldn't tell if it was because of the temperature or Kie's confession.

Two of the most important people in her life...kissing.

"Yes, Jo, on the mouth." Kiara almost sounded embarrassed. And while it wasn't obvious, Josie could read her best friend like a book. She could tell in the way Kie avoided her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek. Josie wondered if it was as mortifying for Kiara as it felt for herself.

The redhead really did feel like her best friends had just broken something sacrosanct. "Wow, I...I, uh, don't really know how to take that, if I'm completely honest."

Josie looked down at her shoes, scuffing the toe against the floor and picking at a fray on her shorts. She tried to find the right words—tried to keep herself from saying something that would offend or upset anyone.

But all her brain could focus on was the red tint the world seemed to fade into. She knew it was dramatic to feel that way, but she truly couldn't help it. Her tongue stung with a resentment so bitter that she held the urge to physically spit it out.

Why had she placed the rule on a pedestal if John B just got to choose to undermine its very principle?

"It's just...you know how I feel about No-"

"No Pogue-On-Pogue Mackin', I know. That's why I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but..." Kiara sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I could never keep something like this from you."

Josie nodded, understanding what she'd meant. While she was not at all fond of what had happened, she was grateful that Kiara trusted and loved her enough to seek comfort in telling her. They'd been best friends for seven years. It was natural for them to discuss things like that, however hard it may be.

Josie puffed out a breath, collecting her thoughts, and swallowed down the pride that clawed its way up her throat. "You're right, you're right. I'm not here to judge. I'm here to provide you with any support you may need." She held up her index finger. "However, I cannot say the same for John B. And as soon as I see him, I will poke his eyes out."

"I don't doubt it." Kiara laughed and grabbed the girl's hand affectionately, leading her out of the freezer and back into the main restaurant.

Josie made herself comfortable at the counter, pulling up a stray chair as Kiara went back to the cracks in the wall, and made her explain the whole ordeal in detail. Josie let her talk, providing moral support as Kiara vented every thought and opinion she'd had whenever she needed to. Eventually, Josie was given a drink and a bowl of fries to snack on as they conversed.

It was a few hours later when Pope strolled into the Wreck. Once he saw the girls together, he gave a nonchalant wave of his hand to beckon them to follow. "Come on, guys. John B says he has another plan, and guess who's getting roped into it."

Josie stared at him blankly, and she sipped on her lemonade straw unbothered. Kiara informed him that she wouldn't be tagging along with the rest of them.

"What? Why?"

Kiara shrugged and motioned to the wall, where she continued to spackle. Josie chuckled at the lame excuse, but she watched on with a smirk as Pope gave in. He clearly wasn't in a mood to argue with an annoyed Kie.

He turned to Josie, who shrugged as she leant into the counter she sat at. "Think I'm good right here."

Pope glanced back and forth between both girls, his confusion and frustration clear as he silently questioned why they wouldn't come. But they both remained silent, unsure if John B had spilled the beans and unwilling to cause any unnecessary stirs—yet.

The silence only made him more irritated at their complete shift in attitude since their earlier tirade. He huffed at the stubbornness of his girl friends as they continued to silently refute him. He marched out of the Wreck and mumbled something about taking back his statement from yesterday about needing the girls.

Not a minute later, their familiar brunette best friend strolled in, a nervous twinge to his voice. "Um...hey, uh, what-what're you guys doin'?"

Josie jumped up from her seat and immediately blocked his path toward Kie. "What does it look like?"

He looked down at her weirdly and stopped in his tracks. His gaze bounded back and forth from a preoccupied Kie to a glaring Josie, who narrowed her eyes up at him.

"Look, spackling can wait, guys. We're-we're about to make history."

"Are you concocting again?" Kie asked, walking past and away from the duo.

"Yes, yes, I'm concocting. I'm concocting more than I've ever concocted in my life." John B tried to follow her, but Josie sidestepped to block his path.

She smugly stared up at the very confused boy, before realization crossed his features. His eyes widened as he peeked over at Kie, frantically looking at both girls. "She told you?"

Josie scoffed at him in disbelief. "What, did you think she wouldn't?" She raised her brows as frustration simmered in his eyes. He looked quite nervous, to be fair, running his hands through his hair as his gaze continued darting between the girls.

Without another thought, Josie took her index and middle fingers and harshly jammed them at John B's face and directly into his eyes.

The boy grunted and leaned back as he raised his hand to rub his watery eyes. "What the hell was that for?"

"What do you think, dumbass?" Josie sent him a look that asked if he thought she was stupid. "You're lucky I didn't gauge them out, Oedipus."

He sighed and shut his eyes once again, before opening them to shoot another glance at Kie. She stood by a far table to watch the interaction. John B looked back down at his auburn-haired friend, who crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one leg, peering up at him expectantly.

"Look, RJ, I get that you're angry with me, I do, and you have every right to be. I was stupid, I know."

Josie's shoulders dropped, tongue pressed to her cheek. She tried not to let his apologetic tone and reddening eyes get the best of her. He'd broken the most sacred rule. The rule that was there to make sure nothing as trivial as crushes on each other would tear them apart.

He looked back at Kie and tried to pass Josie once again, only to be denied. The older girl motioned to imply that he could still speak to their friend, but from a distance.

"And I know that you're just being a good friend and not trying to enable me in my delusion, and that your dad doesn't want you to see me." He motioned his head toward the back, where Mike prepped food. "But please. You are my best friends, and I need you both right now."

Damn him. Damn him for knowing that the best friend card was Josie's weakness.

She sighed and uncrossed her arms, rocking her head side-to-side and weighing her options. Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as she contemplated relenting on her tantrum. Eventually, she moved to let John B approach Kie. Josie followed as he dragged Kie away from where she stood and toward the back door, huffing childishly when she realized her pouting was coming to an end.

"Look, I'm sorry about the kiss thing. That was super weird, and I feel awkward about it, and it's even more awkward now that Jo knows, but listen, I need you, and I'm begging. I'm begging you. I am begging you. And I just want to talk for-"

"Oh my god! Shut up!" Kie interrupted, and John B shook his head in stupor.

"What?"

"I get it," Kie firmly stated as she quickly glanced at the newly amused look on Josie's face. In the redhead's opinion, accepting John B's frantic apology was worth it in the long run. Her admiration for her friends would always outweigh any anger that boiled in her stomach.

Kie stepped up to place a kiss on John B's cheek, a sign of good faith to calm John B's racing heart. "Friends?"

He immediately nodded. "Friends. Yeah." The duo shared a pogue-shake, a relieved sigh leaving his lips. "Back in the friendzone."

Kie went to let her parents know she was leaving, and Josie turned to meet John B's anticipatory look. He raised his brows at her, sticking out his hand for her. "Wha'dya say, RJ?"

She approached him slowly, eye contact unbreakable as she pressed her pointer finger into his chest. "You really understand why I'm angry with you, right? It's not just some rule that has no meaning, okay? This-" She paused to motion between the two of them, before pointing out to where she assumed the Twinkie was parked and to where Kie disappeared.

"This is the most important thing in the world to me, and I'd never let anything tear it apart. Sure, now it's just a kiss, but what if it was more? What if you guys started dating and then it didn't work out? We'd never be the same, B. The pogues would never be the same."

Josie could feel the waterworks, and she inhaled to keep them from releasing. "I love you both too much for that shit to happen."

"I know. Trust me, I know." John B nodded in agreement, but the look in his eyes made it seem like he had so much more to add to Josie's statement. Like he knew something about her that she didn't.

Josie sighed and stuck her hand out, finally sharing a pogue-shake with the boy. They turned at the sound of Kie calling to follow her, and the younger girl smiled at her friends' reconciliation.

"Love you too, by the way." John B tugged her head back with a yank of her ponytail as they walked. Josie slapped at his hand, shoving his shoulder and causing him to stumble to his right.

Kie scoffed and rolled her eyes at their childish behavior as she made her way out the door. The duo followed behind her while they continued their playful shoving.

As John B pushed her out the door, she finally made eye contact with her favorite blond, who sat in the passenger seat of the Twinkie. His blue eyes shone with elation at her presence, but all she could focus on was how the setting sun perfectly complimented the oceanic color.

Their shared gaze was broken when Kie opened his door. "Out, you know the rule."

Once shotgun is called, it applies for the entire day—unless stated otherwise.

Josie smirked as he put on a dramatic show of rolling his eyes and sticking his tongue out at Kiara. He climbed out of the van and watched as Josie shoved John B's shoulder. She shared a smirk with JJ when John B tripped down the last step because of it.

The brunette speedily recovered and retaliated, spinning to shove Josie's shoulder as she also reached the gravel ground. JJ raced to make sure she didn't stumble and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, hitting John B for her in return.

"What're we kickin' his ass for?" JJ inquired. He ignored the roll of John B's eyes as they made their way to the opened sliding door. He also refused to acknowledge the fake gag John B mimed as they did so.

"He's a dick." Josie shrugged, and she giggled at John B's audible offended scoff.

JJ laughed as he waited for her to enter the van first, before climbing in after her and shutting the door. He then climbed over the backseat and into the trunk area.

Josie grinned at him as she nestled onto the bench next to Pope and returned to her position from earlier that day. She leaned back against the side, right knee bent up as it leaned against the back of the seat. She let her head fall backward as her eyes shut for a well-earned rest.

As John B started driving, she could make out the sound of JJ clicking his lighter. Josie peered to her right to see JJ taking a hit from a newly lit blunt. Immediately, she poked her bottom lip out in a silent plea, smiling when the boy easily gave her the blunt to puff.

After passing it between them for a few minutes, he finally spoke up. "You mind if we just relax on this one? It's been a long day, and a lot of weird stuff's gone down." He motioned toward Josie, who'd looked the most eased she'd been all day.

The weight of everything that day sat heavy on her shoulders, and all she longed for was a nice bath.

"We're just gonna lay low. Oh, did you want a hit of this?" JJ held the blunt out toward Pope. Josie breathed out a laugh.

"I keep the signal clear."

"Dude, okay. Do you understand that your problem is that you don't get creative? If you got creative then-"

John B interrupted JJ's lecture. "Look, I know I was wrong about the lighthouse, alright? And pretty much wrong about everything else going on, but I was right about one thing. Okay? My dad is trying to tell me something."

Josie opened her eyes as she took the blunt from JJ's hand. She inhaled a hit and returned it, before moving to sit on the seat behind John B. She placed a hand on his shoulder and shared a knowing look with Kie.

There was a part of her that encouraged her to believe in what he was saying. It was the same part of her that believed that hidden treasures and maps to lost cities existed. The part of her that swore that there was a possibility that John B's ship-hunting father was sending last-ditch messages to his son.

"Then let's find out what it is."

After letting John B drive them around for a bit, they eventually found themselves at an old cemetery. One of the very few on Kildare.

Josie was instantly intrigued, the newly darkened sky adding a bit of eeriness to their adventure. They all piled out of the car, passing out flashlights or, in JJ's case, a headlamp. They then joined John B in his confident trek toward whatever they were looking for.

"Come on, hey. Hey, come on," John B anxiously commanded Kie behind him, desperate for his friends to follow without interruption.

"I'm coming. This place is scary." Kie walked closely behind him, followed by Pope, as JJ and Josie took up the rear of the group. Mainly because Josie didn't trust a high JJ not to trip over a gravestone and break his nose.

Josie squinted and pointed her flashlight at different headstones to read the names and dates, trying to place people at different time periods in history. World War II fighters, people who read Little Women when it was first published, women who could've been flappers, and people who marched in civil rights protests.

So many different lives lived, all in one space together.

"John B, what are we doing?" Kie questioned, flashlight moving around as she checked their surroundings.

"Okay, so, you know how you try to remember a song and you can't remember who sings it?" John B asked, and Kiara agreed as Josie let out a hum of confirmation.

"So, Redfield. This whole time, I thought it was a place, right? But it's not a place." John B led the group to a crypt, lifting his lantern to show the name carved at the top.

Redfield.

"It's a person."

"Voi-effing-la," JJ stated. He elbowed Josie and nodded in pride at his French, to which she rolled her eyes and shoved his elbow away with her own. She stepped up near John B, eyes scanning the concrete structure as she inspected it.

"See, my great-grandmother Olivia. Redfield, that was her maiden name."

Josie examined the crypt and tried to decipher what time period it was probably built in. "Did you guys know crypts used to mainly be under churches? Technically, this is a mausoleum, which gets its name from King Mausolus's tomb, one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World."

"Still creepy." Kie smiled despite her claim, and Josie nodded. Creepy, but fascinating.

"Alright, help me with the door. Come on," John B instructed. Pope agreed and followed to help move the door out of its spot. "One, two, three." They both let out strained noises as they struggled to push, but the door refused to budge from its hold.

"Are you pushing?" Pope strained.

"Yeah, I'm pushing."

Josie nudged JJ toward the door, and he squeezed himself in between the boys to help. "Here, I got it." But the door stayed put.

"Come on, this door's like seven hundred pounds, man. It's not gonna budge," Pope grunted.

"We didn't come this far, to get this far, alright? We got this." JJ's encouragement and the boys' failure were interrupted by a loud hiss that emitted from the small opening of the crypt. Josie noticed the black head of a snake straightaway, and she jumped forward to rip JJ back by his shirt.

"Woah, woah, woah." Sounds of fright escaped everyone as they moved away from the newly grounded snake.

"That's a moccasin, alright?" JJ shuffled to follow the snake. Kie pulled at Josie's upper arm as the latter closely watched the blond. "Ye old Dr. Cottonmouth. Death in tall grass."

Josie couldn't believe it when JJ started barking at the snake. Instantly, the group offered harsh commands for him to shut up as he tried to intimidate the snake. Josie turned away in incredulity and rubbed her forehead, anxiously looking around to see if anyone could hear the noises he made.

"You're gonna wake the freakin' dead, man." Pope pushed at his shoulder, causing JJ to stop and look up at them, confused.

"Dude, they're afraid of dogs. Everyone knows that, man." JJ turned to Josie, who shrugged in an exhausted response. John B went to examine the door again, but JJ pulled his shoulder to hold him back. "Wait, hold on, hold on. If there's one, there's probably dozens."

Despite Josie's title as resident scaredy-cat, if there was one thing she wasn't scared of, it was snakes. After living with the kind of person that Naomi was, she'd seen it all. Mice, snakes, lizards, cockroaches, spiders—the whole lot. So, while JJ's warning spooked Kie and Pope, Josie just rolled her eyes.

Kie grabbed Josie's hand, pulling her friend closer to her side as she flashed her light at the tomb. "Can you stop? You're scaring me, bro."

JJ proceeded to bark at the crypt, and Josie had to contain her laughter at how ridiculous he looked.

"Stop barking at the snake!" John B rebuked. It then caused a domino effect of arguments as the boys fought about whether or not it was smart for JJ to bark at snakes.

Josie dragged Kie toward the hole that the snake had slithered out of. After getting a good look at it, Kie quietly pointed out that it was a crack from where the boys had just barely been able to move the door. It was just big enough for one person to squeeze through, if they were short enough.

Josie tried to determine exactly how sober she had to be to climb through successfully.

"Look, we're not gonna get in there, alright? It's not budging," Pope stated. None of them paid any attention to the girls. "We should probably just go."

"One of us could probably get through," Josie offered. She and Kie flashed their lights up to the left of the door, where the hole opened a bit more.

"What? No, no, no, no. You think you-you're gonna fit through the hole? That hole?"

Josie playfully glared at John B, coking a brow in question as he stuttered to backtrack on his statement. She pursed her lips and nodded teasingly, while JJ hit him on the shoulder for his indirect inference. She good-naturedly giggled at his embarrassment, and glanced back at her female best friend.

"I would, but I'm not gonna get through without breaking something. This one, however..." She trailed off and expectantly stared at Kie, who shrugged.

"Look, this is about your dad." Kie was firm in her statement, looking at John B. "And honestly, I really don't believe in it, but you deserve to know the truth." There was a moment of understanding between the two of them, reaffirming that they all would do almost anything for each other. "I'll do it."

Josie nodded in agreement and sent John B a tight-lipped smile of encouragement. She motioned toward the twigs and vines. "Alright, get this out of her way."

She, Pope, and John B began pulling on them to clear the hole for Kiara to climb through. Unsurprisingly, the task was more difficult than one may have predicted because of the amount of time those vines had probably been growing there. The plants had a tight hold on the door, and the trio had a bit of a struggle to pull them aside.

"Jay, help her up."

They held them back as JJ leaned back against the stone with his fingers clasped in front of him. "I'm gonna boost you, alright. I've seen it in the movies several times." Josie laughed at the blond's assurance and gave Kie a supportive smile. "Ready?"

"Remind me what we're looking for," Kie wondered as she looked at John B for answers.

He nodded. "You'll know when you see it."

She then hesitantly turned to Josie, who nodded. Kie was easily one of the strongest people she knew; she could handle a little bit of grave climbing.

"Hold my flashlight." She passed the light to Josie, who happily stopped helping hold the twigs as she held one light in each hand.

Kie prepared to stand on JJ's hands, but Josie quickly stopped her with a hand to her arm. "Wait. I love you and don't die, but if you do die...can I have your board?" Kie scoffed, hiding her smile as she shook her head and gently shoved the girl away from her.

"Alright, so put your hands right there," JJ instructed her to grab his shoulders. Kie adjusted where her foot needed to be in his hold, and Josie cringed and prayed that he didn't drop her.

"Alright, on three. One-"

Without needing the countdown, Kie grunted and boosted herself up, shimmying into the hole. "Okay, never mind. Just forget about three."

As soon as Josie heard Kie's feet hit the ground, she stuck her hand in to pass the girl her flashlight. "Here you go. Be careful."

"I will," Kiara reassured.

Josie couldn't help but pull her middle finger to her mouth and chew on the short nail bed. The idea that Kiara might encounter multiple snakes at once, or something else entirely, caused the anxiety in Josie's chest to build slowly. Every possibly dangerous outcome ran through her head within a millisecond.

What if the building collapsed on her?

"You alive? You got, like, a-a heartbeat and everything?" John B asked, concern for their friend clear.

"So far."

Josie pressed herself to John B's side and closer to the hole to peek through and keep an eye on her friend. "Please don't actually die, Kie. I can't deal with these idiots without you." A nudge was given to her left shoulder, and she turned to see an offended JJ staring down at her.

She just shrugged, doubling down on her claim, and turned back to listen to her friend. "I'll try not to, but I need some more light."

"Yeah, yeah, here. Yeah, I gotcha," John B confirmed. Josie moved back slightly so he could pass the lantern into the crypt.

The silence that followed was deafening, and Josie's anxiety began to crawl up her throat when nothing was relayed from her friend. Her heart pounded in her ears, and her palms grew clammy against the rough stone of the door. She pushed against John B to peek in, where she saw Kiara staring at something. But she couldn't make out what it was.

"Kie, did you find anything?"

"Is there gold?" JJ quickly added. Josie gently smacked his shoulder with the back of her hand, eyes unwavering from Kiara.

"Oh my god."

"What, what? Kie, are you okay?" Josie scrambled to get a better look inside. She hoped that the lack of urgency in her friend's voice meant that she wasn't in any imminent danger.

Kie pulled what looked like an envelope from a crack in the wall. She passed it and the lantern out to John B and climbed out, with the help of JJ and Josie.

"That's not gold," Pope admonished disappointedly.

"Holy shit." John B astonishedly looked down at the writing on the envelope, For Bird written neatly on the front. Josie furrowed her brows as he looked around at all of them, confusion written across her features.

"This is from my dad."

Her confused frown quickly morphed into a stunned smile, and she was incredibly relieved that John B would finally get some type of answer to his mystery. But before any of them could celebrate or share their support, they were interrupted by the click of JJ's lighter and a warning from the boy.

"Code red, code red. Square groupers, square groupers." JJ immediately turned to push Josie along as he ushered everyone behind the stone building. "It's the guys that robbed your house." Once everyone had passed him, she grabbed his hand to pull him along with her.

"Turn off the lights, guys."

Josie quickly smacked her flashlight off, and everyone struggled to turn off their respective lights. Pope flicked the light on JJ's forehead off and scolded him, while the blond focused on putting his blunt out on the wall. John B fumbled to turn his lantern off as Kie scolded him.

Josie could make out the faint sound of a golf cart, which was quickly accompanied by the faint voices of whoever drove it. Kie tapped her arm, pointing toward where the voices sounded from. "Do you think it's them?"

She shrugged and tried to pull JJ back, a bit closer to her, as he peeked around the corner. "Homie's got a gun."

"Screw this," Kie stated through a shake of her head. She grabbed Josie's elbow and tugged her up as she bolted toward the cemetery gate.

Josie pulled JJ along by the hand, following after Kie and John B. Pope trailed closely somewhere behind them. It was only a matter of seconds before the leads were making their way over the surrounding wall.

"Okay, Jose, c'mon." She barely had time to think about the height predicament before she stuck her foot into JJ's clasped hands and let him boost her up over the stone.

Kie and John B were quick to assist her down, and JJ followed a millisecond after. "Go, go, go!"

They all went to sprint toward the Twinkie, when they realized Pope had gone over the gate and not the wall. And in the process, he'd gotten himself stuck in quite the predicament.

"Guys, guys! I'm stuck," Pope panicked. Josie ran over to help him down, followed by Kie, as she choked down her giggle. Her best friend's conundrum was surely something they were going to find hilarious in the future.

"Pope, come on, man!" JJ ushered before jokingly pulling the gun from the back of his pants. "Alright now, Pope, don't move, okay?" Josie didn't have time to reprimand him before John B roughly pushed his arm down, trying to grab the gun from him.

Josie and Kie urged Pope down as he viciously argued with the girls pulling him toward the ground. The sound of seams ripping could be heard, but Josie couldn't care less. The state of his shorts, or decency, was not more important than avoiding being shot at again.

"P, you just have to let the shorts die; it's not worth it! I'll buy you a new pair!" Josie and Kie gave one final tug to bring him down from the gate. That time he followed, but his shorts did not.

Josie cackled as they raced for the Twinkie, carelessly stumbling as she continued to laugh at an underwear-clad Pope. Through her smile, she feverishly apologized to him.

"Nice, c'mon, dude. It's a little Tootsie Roll," JJ jokingly poked fun at Pope. Josie shoved the back of his head as Kiara opened the back door for them to climb through.

The brunette girl climbed into the front seat, laughing and calling Pope stupid, as he ran with his hand cupped to cover his manhood. Pope clambered into the back, and Josie impishly slapped his butt as she climbed in behind him.

"Gun it! Gun it!" She scrambled forward to repeatedly hit John B's shoulder as JJ climbed through and shut the door behind him. The whole group couldn't help but heartily laugh as John B peeled away from both the cemetery and Pope's shorts hanging from the gate.

☼

Once they'd made it back to the Chateau, JJ had insisted that he was in need of nourishment. Pope had insisted on finding something to replace his shorts. And the others had insisted that they shut up and stop complaining.

Josie, Kie, and John B sat at his dining table as they stared down at the envelope. JJ made himself a sandwich as Pope went to throw on pants. Josie couldn't help but glance at John B every few moments, aware that there must've been a complex range of emotions racing through his head.

The desperation in his eyes was the clearest of them all.

JJ spread peanut butter on the bread he'd found in the back of John B's cabinet. Josie tried to keep herself from vomiting at the fact that it was definitely past the expiration date, choosing to let him deal with that consequence.

"That bread had mold on it three days ago," Pope criticized as he exited John B's bedroom, sporting a pair of sweatpants. He lifted a lantern and joined the others around the table.

"Yeah, I'll just pull off the bad parts," JJ answered nonchalantly. "Plus, mold is good for you. It's just a natural organism."

Josie shuddered at the logistics of his argument, glancing over her shoulder at him. "JayJ," she called.

"Yup, yup, yup!" He raced to stand behind her chair, with the moldy sandwich and a Sprite in hand. "Hot damn! Let's do it!" He placed the soda down in front of Josie, and she fleetingly shot him a grateful smile.

John B tore off the seal of the envelope as JJ took a bite of his sandwich. Almost instantaneously, the boy behind her gagged and spat the food into his hand as Josie grimaced. Her eyes flickered between John B opening the package and JJ moving to throw away the part of the sandwich he'd spat out.

She silently begged for him to trash it, only to be disappointed when he instead chose to just peel at the mold.

John B unfolded the piece of paper he'd pulled out, laying it on the table to reveal it to the rest of them. It was a map of the coastal North Carolina region, but scribbled on it were markings where Kildare rested on the Outer Banks.

"Holy shit," John B graveled as he flattened the map.

"Well, X marks the spot." Pope leaned down to point at the obvious marking on the map. The group attentively watched as John B confirmed that the coordinates jotted down on it corresponded with the X.

"Maybe there's something else in there," Josie suggested. John B nodded, and he reached in to pull another object out of the envelope.

"What's that?" JJ asked once John B held the device, and Josie scoffed humorously as she looked up at him.

"It's a tape recorder, dumbass," Kie answered. The offended look he gave their friend made the redhead laugh, and JJ gently swatted her shoulder in retaliation. She swatted back at him, briefly starting a swatting fight over her shoulder, before Kie reached out to smack both of their hands and effectively stop them.

They all waited with bated breath as John B hit play on the device.

"Dear Bird," Big John started, but was abruptly interrupted by JJ.

"Who's Bird?"

"That's what my dad called me," John B answered. Josie reached her hand out to rest on his forearm and gave him an encouraging squeeze. She nodded for him to continue the tape.

"I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. And you doubted your old man. I suspect at this moment, you're filled with guilt and self-loathing over our last fight, but don't kill yourself just yet, kid. I didn't expect to find the Merchant either. You were probably right to call me out, wasn't exactly Father of the Decade. What can I say, kid? I could smell the barn. And hopefully, we're listenin' to this in our brand-new sugar-shack down in Costa Rica, livin' off passive investments and pulling on permits. If not, and you find this for less-than-optimal reasons, well, that's what the map is for. There she is, the wreck of the Merchant. If somethin' happens to me, finish what I started. Go for the gold, kid. I love you, Bird, even if I didn't always act like it. I'll see you on the other side."

The recording ended, and a silence blanketed the group as John B let out an audible gulp. The energy in the room was heavy, and mere milliseconds ticked by as they sat in their disbelief. John B rose from his seat, gently removing Josie's hand from his arm, and turned to walk toward the kitchen.

But before he could get very far, he collapsed against the doorway with a sob.

It was instinctual for Josie to quickly rise from her seat and rush to her friend, wrapping her arms around him from the side. Her right hand rubbed up and down his back as he leaned into her. Tears dripped onto her arms, which caused her own to fall into his hair.

She hated seeing her friends cry.

"Holy shit, he did it! Big John, h-he found the Royal Merchant-" JJ's cheers were quickly shut down by Kie, who placed her palms on her head and annoyedly pointed at him in disbelief.

"Can you-can you please?"

"Yeah, sorry."

Josie continued to console John B as she whispered reassurance in his ear, but there wasn't much more she could do. Hearing his supposedly dead father's voice was obviously quite a lot for him, as it would be for most people, and Josie didn't know what to say to make something like that better.

So, all she could do was offer him comfort and remind him that he was loved and validated through his pain.

Kie slowly walked toward the duo and tucked herself into John B's other side. The both of them let him find solace in their embrace.

Josie leaned into the boy's shoulder to try and hide the tears that freely fell down her face. At some point, she reached around to squeeze Kie's hand on his back as she bit her lip, desperate to keep her own empathetic sadness from audibly spilling out.

She wasn't sure how long they stood there, comforting him. But sometime after, John B decided that he'd needed air.

The five of them all moved to settle on the dock as thunder rumbled in the distance. There was a grief that hung in the air after what was basically confirmation that Big John was dead, but there was also an anticipation from the implication of looking for the gold.

Josie watched as JJ skipped rocks and Kiara softly played her ukulele. The girls shared a spot sat atop the side of the dock, and Josie used the younger girl's shoulder as a pillow as she rested her head against it. The plucks of the familiar strings lulled Josie into a sense of security, and she would occasionally chime in to hum along with the melody.

"How much was it again?" JJ asked as he tossed another rock into the marsh water.

"Four hundred mill," Pope answered, and Josie shook her head in bewilderment. Sure, her family had money. But she couldn't even begin to imagine what that amount of money would even look like.

JJ sighed through pursed lips. "Alright, let's talk the split." He threw his last rock out, before turning to face the group directly. "Now, before we say 'evenly,' may I remind you that I am the only one who can properly defend us from those groupers who were after us." He held up the gun for emphasis. "Protection? Not cheap, okay?"

Josie rolled her eyes at the insinuation that he was some all-mighty protector.

"You haven't trained. You've done zero training," Pope pointed out disapprovingly.

"YouTube, bro. That's at least a five percent bump right there." JJ's claim caused Josie to snort out a chuckle. She moved to lean her forehead against Kie's shoulder, which shook with her own chuckle.

"You haven't-" Pope tried to argue, but to no avail.

"Any objections? Didn't think so."

Josie, Pope, and Kie all raised their hands at the boy's question, but they were promptly ignored by his refuting statement. "I didn't hear any, so..."

Kie rolled her eyes, deciding to ignore JJ as she turned to Pope. "What're you gonna do with your 80 mill, Pope?"

Josie chuckled and glanced over at Pope, intrigued. He thought about it for a moment, slightly nodding his head. "Pay for college in advance. And also, textbooks. Those are expensive."

"What about you, Kie?" Josie gently asked. She raised her head from the girl's shoulder to nudge it with her own, earning the same movement back.

"Yeah, what does a socialist do when she's rich?" Pope smugly chimed in, making Kie chuckle and shrug.

"Just wanna make a double album. About OBX, the pogues. Y'know, the way Catch a Fire is about Kingston." She paused to bask in the imagination. "Record it at Marley Studio, this one on backing vocals, Peter Tosh producing." Kie nudged Josie's shoulder as she mentioned her, but she rolled her eyes.

"Peter Tosh is dead-"

"Peter Tosh is dead. I know that, Pope. Sprit of Peter Tosh will never die." Kie lifted up her beer can at him for emphasis, and Josie smiled at the happiness radiating off of her female friend.

"Actually, I know what I'm gonna do," JJ butted in. His gaze moved to meet Josie's as he spoke. "I'm gonna get a big ass house on Figure Eight and go full kook."

"You're gonna go full kook?" Pope asked skeptically, earning a nod back from JJ.

"Yep. Gonna get a marble statue of myself, and then I'm gonna get a koi pond. Put a bunch of those fish-"

"I'm never visiting." Kie chuckled at her friend's idea of luxury.

Josie tried to imagine what that would look like. JJ in those shorts and polos that everyone on that side of the island wore, hair slicked back so perfectly that not a strand was misplaced. He'd sport a constant smirk that implied he thought he was better than everyone else. He'd be accompanied by a set of golf clubs that probably cost more than his bike and wristwatches he could pay a house payment with.

He'd also have some platinum blonde woman that he met in Barbados, or somewhere like that, on his arm. She'd have a big ass rock on her finger, and they'd pop out a few bratty kids.

She loathed the thought of him like that.

"What about you, Jo?" Kie asked softly, gathering the girl's attention, as she sat the ukulele down on the wood beside them. Josie pursed her lips in thought.

There were so many things she could do with that kind of money. Obviously, she could fund her exploration of St. Dismas. Hell, she could probably buy the whole campus grounds and just hire people to search it. Or she could leave the Outer Banks to go treasure hunting off the coast of Africa and never turn back. Or she could follow Pope's steps and pay for college.

But, despite all of that, she was sure her answer was not the one any of her friends were expecting.

"I wanna help my dad go to rehab—get him off drugs. Pay for Naomi and my niece to go to college. And maybe get a dog, a really big one." Josie sighed with a soft smile and picked at the skin around her nails. She forced back the tears stemming from her complicated emotions.

"Buy a place of my own. So I never have to be around my mother ever again."

Kie sighed and stared at her friend sympathetically, moving to gently intertwine their fingers together. The brunette squeezed Josie's hand lovingly, and Josie squeezed back just as emotionally.

After everything she'd gone through with her dad, after dealing with the never-ending weight of her mother's expectations, and after fighting her own personal demons. After all of that, at the end of the day, she had her friends. Her pogues.

And that would always be enough.

"What're you gonna do, JB?" Pope asked the abnormally quiet boy, and the four of them turned to stare as they waited for his answer.

He stayed in his thoughts for a few moments, before he nodded and turned to smile at the rest of them. "To going full kook."

They all stood to toast their cans, laughter and smiles prominent. "To going full kook!"

⋄ ⋟⋆ june 20, 2020

as benevolence fell apart in between my fingertips, I was reminded in that moment of just how beautifully human we all were. as the cracks in his heart broke evermore with the songs of his missing piece, I was reminded that even those that shone in the light had a dark shadow threatening to swallow them whole. and as our laughter danced through the night sky afterwards, I took the opportunity to look at my friends when I was met with a graceful thought. that the idea of being loved relentlessly, for a split moment, no longer seemed impossible. it was there. in the delicate grip of palms pressed together and gazes sharing a sense of overwhelming serenity, there was irreplaceable love. and there I sat, grasping that love and holding it with my hands unscathed.

- josephine grey ⋄ ⋟⋆

[marauderundercover]

This Side of Normal Ch. 11

AO3

First          Prev

After Jason dropped them off at the hotel, Marinette said goodnight to Adrien after checking that he was okay. It was the first time someone had brought up Siren or Hawkmoth in a while. Most people in Paris tended to avoid the subject, especially around Adrien. After he reassured her a million times that he was okay, she stumbles into her own room, thankful that there was an odd number of girls and she was able to have her own room.

“Are you okay, Marinette?” Tikki asks, phasing out of her purse and looking at her with big eyes. Marinette smiles, though she knows it doesn’t reach her eyes. The excitement from the trapeze and seeing Jason had begun to fade, her own insecurities and anxieties and awful feelings from the years under Hawkmoth were flooding back.

“I’m fine. I think I’m gonna go up to the roof and get a little air, alone.” She says, grabbing her biggest hoodie and tugging it on over her clothes. Tikki frowns.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She asks.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine Teeks. I’ll be back down soon, don’t worry.” Marinette says, climbing out the window and scurrying up the fire escape. The second she’s on the roof, she’s able to breathe a little easier. Three years of rooftop patrols in Paris had helped get rid of any fear of heights she may have had before. Now, the roofs were her safe place. The place that she could let down any masks she had and just breathe. Sure, she could technically do that around Adrien, but she also felt like she needed to be strong around him. Not necessarily for him, but because of him. Sure some of her memories were shit, but Adrien’s dad had been the villain. Adrien had lost an arm and spent months in physical therapy, months screaming until he lost his voice. Angry at the world and the hand he’d been dealt. So she didn’t like letting him know when she was having trouble sleeping again. When her own memories of the last couple of years overwhelmed her. She couldn’t do that to him. He always ended up blaming himself.

She sits in the middle of the roof and tucks her knees into her chest and just- is. She sits her arms on top of her knees and lays her head on top of her arms. Staring out at the city around her, she vaguely thinks about Jason’s warnings about the city. And her own research into the dangers of the city. But she quickly pushes those thoughts away. She was on the damn roof for crying out loud. And it’s not like she was planning on staying up there for long, just long enough to breathe, long enough to not be anyone. Just a few minutes.

---

A couple of hours after he dropped off his favorite siblings, he was back near their hotel, patrolling. He wasn’t technically scheduled for this part of town, but he’d switched his route around a bit. He was worried about both of them. They both looked exhausted, and Marinette was extremely tense. And he figured they’d call him at some point to complain about all of the akuma talk, but they hadn’t. So he just needed to check that they were okay. Just as he lands on the building next to the kids’ hotel, an ear piercing scream echoes through the silent night. Jason’s heart drops when he realizes it’s coming from the roof of the hotel. He ignores Dick on the comm and jumps over to the other roof, freezing when he sees Marinette thrashing around, probably having a nightmare. He shakes his head and runs over, shaking her to try and get her to wake up.

“Hey, hey kid. Hey, wake up.” He says, shaking her gently. He frowns and shakes her a little rougher, opening his mouth to say something when a solid punch connects with his helmet. He stumbles back from the force, cursing under his breath as Marinette sits up.

“Shit, ouch, god.” Marinette hisses, shaking her hand out. She glances at him and tenses. Jason frowns under his helmet- oh, helmet. She doesn’t know.

“You have one hell of a punch, kid.” He says, and she narrows her eyes.

“And you are?” She asks, he chuckles.

“Red Hood.” He says, glancing at her hand that she was now clutching to her chest.

“Do you enjoy scaring the shit out of random people on roofs? That’s super unsafe, ya know.” She snarks, and he snorts.

“You’re the one screaming bloody murder, kid. It’s Gotham, I assumed someone was actually being murdered.” He says and she frowns.

“Oh. Well, then, I’m sorry.” She says, hugging her knees.

“Are you okay?” He asks, worried. She was sitting on a roof- in Gotham- at midnight. And she’d been screaming in her sleep. Something was obviously bothering her. She gives him a look.

“Uh, no? But it doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna pass along my problems to the first random person I meet.” She says, and he sighs, wishing more than anything that she knew his identity. If he wasn’t on patrol with the bats, he’d just take his damn helmet off and tell her. The kid needed him, or, she needed someone. He’d been able to tell earlier that she wasn’t happy. That something was bothering her. If he had to guess, knowing how protective she was of Adrien, she was definitely pushing her negative feelings to the side. He really wished she would stop doing that.

“Kid-”

“Marinette.” She says, giving him a half assed smile. “And sorry for freaking you out. I recognize you now.” She says and he sighs. Of course she’d figure it out. Well, that was easier than trying to explain it to her and Adrien later.

“What gave it away?” He asks, sitting next to her, and she frowns.

“Uh, the ugly ass helmet on your head? I did look into the heroes and villains of Gotham before coming here. I’m not stupid.” She says, and he frowns. His helmet gave away his identity? Since when?

“Red Hood, report now.” Bruce demands in the comm.

“Heard a scream near the hotel that French class is staying and decided to check it out. Someone was just having a nightmare, now go bother the hell outta someone else.” Jason says with a huff.

“Trouble with the bats?” Marinette asks with a smirk. Jason snorts and nods. There was always trouble with B. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Jason turns off his comm and clears his throat.

“Seriously, the helmet gave away my identity?” He asks, and Marinette gives him her ‘you’re an idiot’ look.

“Your name is Red Hood and you’re wearing a giant red helmet. Sure, maybe I would’ve confused you with Red Helmet, but considering the fact I have Google, I knew what you looked like. Are you always this weird?” She asks and Jason has a sudden realization. Oooo, I fucked up, he thinks. Oh god, he could only hope that she’s sleep deprived enough that she doesn’t think too much into this. If she seriously figures out his identity from this? From him practically telling her she knows Red Hood? Bruce wouldn’t even bat an eye as Demon Spawn kills him. It’s not like the kid is untrustworthy, but without everyone else knowing that she’s Ladybug, they would definitely not trust her with their identities.

“Huh, uh, yeah. Listen, I gotta go get back to patrol. Could you go back inside if you’re gonna sleep?” He asks, standing up quickly. She huffs, but nods before standing.

“Yeah, I didn’t even mean to fall asleep. I just- I needed to not be me for a couple minutes.” She mumbles, quiet enough that he almost doesn’t hear her. Almost.

“Well if you need to get out at night in Gotham, the roofs are definitely the safest place. Just try not to fall asleep. Falling off a roof isn’t fun.” He says and she snorts, a knowing smile on her face. He grins under the helmet as he remembers all of the videos of her and Adrien falling off of roofs in Paris. They were definitely disasters.

“See ya later, Monsieur Hood.” She says, saluting him before climbing down the fire escape. Jason just frowns as she leaves, hoping that she’ll call him later. He was worried about her.

---

Marinette was entirely too tired to deal with the bullshit that her class was going to inevitably start. She leans against Adrien as they walk into the Gotham City Museum of Heroes and Villains. She’d tried, numerous times, to tell Mme. Bustier that going here was a horrible idea. She’d looked into all of the museums in Gotham and this one had a horrible history of being targeted by Rogues. Something about ‘not liking’ how they were portrayed or something. Which, okay, fine, not her villain, not her problem. But now they were at the one museum that Marinette had listed as a ‘do not go’ location. And she hadn’t even had time to grab coffee at the hotel.

“Hey look, coffee shop!” Adrien cheers, and immediately Marinette sits straight up. She glances around, noting the gift shop, a sandwich shop and- yes! A mini Starbucks inside the museum. Letting out a sigh of relief, she latches onto Adrien’s arm and tugs him over to get coffee. She orders the most caffeine the barista will let her (apparently all cafes had a limit in this damn city because of Tim Drake, damn him) and steps to the side, rolling her eyes at the insanely sugary drink Adrien orders. Not that she’d ever stop him. He’d been denied stuff like that for so long, she never commented on how awful drinks like that were. Once they had their drinks, Marinette begrudgingly followed Adrien back to where the class was standing, looking at the various suits from the Robins. She was horrified.

“What the hell was Batman thinking?” She says, jaw completely dropped as she looks at the replica suits on display. Every iteration of the costume was on display, even the current one. And while the last two Robins weren’t awful, the first two were some of the worst outfits she’d ever seen. And Red Robin’s cowl? She silently thanked Tikki that that atrocity was gone.

“I don’t know, I think there’s a certain charm-” Adrien starts and Marinette glares at him.

“There is no charm. And no reason, absolutely no reason, to fight crime in fucking underwear, Adrien. Especially not as a child.” She says and Adrien frowns, before nodding.

“Yeah, okay, I guess that’s true.” He says and Marinette looks back at the suits, sighing deeply.

“I would design every single one of them a new suit if I could.” She says wistfully. A sudden squeeze of her hand makes her glance down, and then back up at Adrien, raising an eyebrow. He just smiles sadly.

“You can design now, ya know.” He says quietly, reminding her that she doesn’t have a city to protect anymore. That she can breathe easier, if she would only let herself. She just grins at him.

“Yeah, but I think it may piss off Batman if I tracked him down to give him some suit redesigns. I don’t need to offend the local heroes.” She teases, and Adrien snorts. The two follow the class into the room with replicas of the Rogue costumes and Marinette’s eye twitches. Most of these were worse. So much worse.

“Bug, I love you, but you cannot declare war on the Rogues of Gotham just for their fashion sense.” Adrien says and she purses her lips, glaring at Riddler’s suit.

“They deserve it.” She says, and he just sighs.

“No, Mari.” He says and she huffs, taking another long drink of her coffee as she tries to think what the chances are that Jason would help her declare war on the Rogues. She guessed pretty good, he didn’t give up on fights. Suddenly, screams and sobs pierce the air. Marinette tenses and whirls around, looking for the culprit. She frowns, not seeing anything. She takes a breath, eyes instantly widening at the way the air tastes off. Scarecrow. Goddamnit. She doesn’t have time to fight, doesn’t have time to help, before her vision blurs and she’s relieving her worst nightmare.

“Kitty-” She chokes out, hands shaking as she sees the blood coating Adrien. Except. He’s not breathing. “No.” She whispers, dropping to her knees and gently pushing him, trying, desperately, to get him to wake up. “Come on Kitty, don’t do this to me! Wake up, wake up!” She cries. He wasn’t supposed to die. He couldn’t die. She couldn’t do this without him. A deep chuckle catches her off guard and she glances up, eyes narrowing at Gabriel, his transformation dropped.

“Isn’t it terrifying, seeing your deepest fears play out in front of you?” He asks, and she frowns. That was...wrong. Wrong. She glances down at the blood coating her hands. Not real. This wasn’t real. Her Adrien was okay, he was alive. She stands, legs shaky as she stares down Not Gabriel.

“I’ve already seen them, asshole.” She says, before rearing back and punching the man as hard as she could. It was therapeutic, punching Not Gabriel in the face. So she punched him again. And one more time for good luck. Not Gabriel is on the ground at this point, and she glares down at him.

“How the-” He starts, but she cuts him off.

“No. You do not get to speak, especially when you’re wearing that asshole’s face. Just be glad I don’t feel like going to jail for murder. Honestly, taunting someone while they watch their deepest fear play out? Not your smartest move, jackass.” She chastises, crossing her arms and staring down at him to make sure he stays put. Better he was sitting there, shocked, than running off and getting away with this.

“Uh, ma’am?” A voice says, and Marinette turns to look at the newcomer, surprised to see Jason with the turtle Miraculous, blood coming out of his mouth and a huge wound on his chest. She blinks.

“That’s new.” She says, watching as Not Jason tilts his head in confusion. “Fear toxin is making you appear as my friend Jason, but like, almost dead. Not pleasant.” She clarifies.

“Oh. Shit, yeah. I have the antidote. It’s an injection, is that okay?” Not Jason asks, and Marinette nods. She may seem like this wasn’t bothering her, but she’d already had nightmares last night. This whole situation definitely wasn’t helping. A slight pinch in her neck makes her wince, before her legs get weak again. She shakily leans down, patting the floor and easing herself onto it.

“Just give me five minutes and I’ll be good as new.” She mutters, shutting her eyes.

“Yeah, I don’t think so, Kid. I’m gonna help you over to the ambulance.” He says, she nods, then freezes as a thought comes to her.

“I was standing with a boy, a boy with blonde hair and green eyes. Is he okay?” She asks. There’s a pause, and her heart nearly stops before the voice clears its throat.

“He may have had a bit of a panic attack, but he’s recovering just fine.” He promises and she feels the tension pour out of her body. She could relax now.

“Okay, okay good. Let’s go.” She says, letting the strange person help her get to the ambulance. She’d definitely be calling Jason later. No matter how fake the images had been, she still needed to call her older brother. Make sure he’s okay.

Next

Story tag list: @toodaloo-kangaroo @laurcad123 @kittenmywaythrulife @lost-in-the-world-of-maribat @queenz-z @daminette-56 

Permanent tag list: @stainedglassm @laydeekrayzee @doll246 @deathssilentapproach-blog @literaryhiraeth

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twenty

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: sorry for the wait yall this month really kicked my ass,, but also we reached part 20!!

tw infertility discussion

***

Gwyn: isn’t he beautiful <3

In the freezing February air outside the tea house, Nesta clicks on the picture attached to Gwyn’s text. It’s a distant shot of a man in his mid-thirties hunched over a library desk while working, unaware that there’s a camera on him. She’ll give it to Gwyn, though—he is a little handsome.

Emerie: the stalker levels are through the roof, gwyneth. seek help.

Gwyn: no i’m gonna marry him

Nesta doesn’t know whether to laugh or be concerned, but she types out a brief response before her thumbs fall off from the cold: Will give my opinion on him later. Got to go.

Gwyn’s crush will have to wait, Nesta thinks as she finally puts her phone away and pushes her way inside the exquisite tea house. Immediately, blasting heat thaws her frozen fingers and toes, and farther inside she spots the table she reserved for three. Right now, only one person sits at it.

Nesta grits her teeth and approaches the round table, heels clicking softly on the parquet floors. Elain doesn’t look up from the menu she’s reading. “This place would be nicer to visit in the spring,” is her only acknowledgment of Nesta.

“I like the winter,” Nesta answers simply, taking her seat across from Elain. She likes how the ice creeps over the garden outside until everything looks frozen in time, and she likes how the colorful flowers and trees become dulled by white snow. Not that her sister would understand or care.

“Of course you do,” Elain mutters, setting down the menu with all the careful elegance of a debutante. “I’m only here for Feyre, anyway.”

It almost saddens Nesta that she doesn’t feel hurt or offense at the words. She thought she would care more about Elain’s opinion than she actually does. “Where is Feyre, then?” she says, looking pointedly at the empty seat between them. “I thought she was coming with you.”

“I’m right here,” a breathless voice says, accompanied by the sound of hurried footsteps. Feyre appears, looking flushed from exertion and the cold. She sets her bag down and joins them at the table, scooting her seat all the way in. “Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Nesta bites. “I was just about to order.”

“So was I.” Elain smiles breezily.

Feyre glances between the two of them, clear concern on her face, but she covers it up and says, “I’m so glad we’re doing this.”

It was Feyre’s idea, of course. After Nesta told her off for never being interested in what she wanted to do, Feyre actually listened. She asked if Nesta wanted to hang out, and then let Nesta fill in the rest of the details on her own terms.

Which brings them to the tea house. Unfortunately for her sisters, however, Nesta doesn’t really know where to go from ordering tea and biscuits.

“How is school going?” Feyre asks her after their drinks arrive.

Nesta sips from her tea, already bored. “It’s been fifteen minutes and you have yet to say anything of substance, Feyre. It makes me miss being alone with Elain and her mood.”

Feyre looks taken aback, and Elain levels a glare at Nesta. An unsurprised, of course you have to ruin everything like this glare.

So Nesta clarifies, “That wasn’t an attack. I just hoped that after driving out here, I would get something better than shallow small talk.”

“And how do you know it was shallow?” Elain steps in harshly. “How do you know she isn’t actually interested in how you’re doing at school?”

Nesta slides blunt blue eyes to Feyre. “If that’s the case, then I commend you. Personally, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was in your position.”

To her surprise, Feyre snorts. She looks resigned when she says, “No, you’re right. I don’t care about what’s going on at school, not if you don’t. What would you rather we talk about then, Nesta?”

Without hesitation, Nesta says, “Ask me something you really care to hear the answer to.”

Elain shuts her mouth and sits back at that. Feyre twists her lips, thinking her next words over carefully. “How is your therapy going?” she finally asks in a cautious tone. “What do you talk about there?”

Remembering that she’s in a formal setting, Nesta stops herself from crossing her arms. She settles on wrapping her fingers delicately around her teacup instead. “We talk about whatever I feel like talking about,” she answers honestly. Although lately her conversations with Lana feel more restrained than usual.

“And what’s that?” Feyre urges.

Nesta shrugs, fitting apathy onto her face like an old mask. “Recently? Childbearing.” But it isn’t her favorite topic of discussion, not at all.

“You’re pregnant?” Elain jumps in, leading Nesta to throw her an unamused look.

“No, idiot,” she says. “My therapist just has the idea that if I end up being infertile it’ll screw me up, mentally and emotionally and whatever. She thinks I should deal with that baggage now instead of saving it for later.” She rolls her eyes thinking about it. How many times does she have to repeat that she doesn’t care about her body’s reproductive abilities until Lana gets it?

Feyre chuckles, confused. “Why would you be infertile?”

Nesta forgot—she didn’t want her sisters knowing anything that has to do with her health. She even made Cassian keep her doctor visits secret from Feyre. But that was months ago, and the sisters are… not exactly in a better place now, but looking for the way there. Nesta thinks she can tell them without any severe regrets. “I have endometriosis.”

When she’s met with silence, she adds, “You know, with the tissue growing on my ovaries and stuff. It might affect all the babies I don’t care to have in the future.”

Elain is the first to speak. “You always wanted to be a mother.” Her voice is soft, almost mourning. It irritates the hell out of Nesta.

“No, I didn’t,” she snaps back.

“You did,” Elain insists. Feyre still hasn’t said anything. “You took care of our cat, Mittens, until the day she died. You taught Feyre her alphabet. You raised me when Mama and Papa were too busy to do it. You never carried dolls around in strollers or anything, but you loved being a mother.”

“I don’t remember any of this,” Feyre says, blinking. “I’m sorry, can we go back to the endometriosis part?”

Nesta sips from her tea, the bitter taste a welcome distraction from Elain’s words. “What about it?”

“How long have you known?” Feyre demands.

“It isn’t cancer. And I’m getting treated, obviously. I’m fine.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Nesta sighs, setting her cup down. “October. Cassian made me go to the doctor because he was worried about my periods, we had a big fight about health insurance, and now I use my salary from your boyfriend to afford medication so I don’t feel like dying every month. Is that everything you wanted to hear?”

Feyre only stares at her, for once revealing no emotion. “I keep forgetting,” she says finally, “that we’re not at a place to share things like that with each other. I keep being surprised every time I realize how much of your life you keep from us.”

“I don’t,” Elain huffs under her breath while she tears a croissant in half.

Nesta is still watching Feyre. “You remember how bad my cycles were? I would cry loud enough at night to wake the house.”

Feyre flinches at the memory, and Elain goes still.

“But no one ever woke up,” Nesta says. They never talked about it before, and she has no desire to keep speaking about it now. If they start to tally all the hurts they’ve dealt to each other, Nesta fears they’ll be here for hours. Worse, she fears she will lose.

She reaches for a lavender macaron and delicately pulls it apart, studying the cream filling inside. “Did you know they make these using the lavender flowers from the garden outside?”

“I hate lavender,” Elain says.

Spying her chance to shift the subject off herself, Nesta goes for it. “Because Azriel smells like lavender?” She pushes one half of the dainty cookie past her lips, chewing. “It’s an interesting cologne choice, I agree.”

“Wait, what are we talking about now?” Feyre looks around, unaware that they’ve moved onto another topic.

Elain’s innocent brown eyes turn into daggers pointed at Nesta, betrayal written across her face. Nesta feels no pity for her—especially not if they’re going to sit around judging each other for keeping secrets.

Feyre’s eyes widen and she turns to Elain. “Is it about your,” she lowers her voice and whispers, “crush?”

Nesta raises a skeptical brow. She doubts whatever Az and Elain have stops at just a crush.

“No, it’s not,” Elain answers determinedly. “God, do you have to bring men into everything, Nesta?”

“I think you’re projecting.”

“Quit it,” Feyre snaps at the both of them. “Or I’ll grab my things and leave.”

Do it, Nesta almost dares. But she has a feeling that Feyre means it, that she won’t submit to being taunted, so Nesta reins the words back from the tip of her tongue. After all, this tea is expensive.

The sisters take a moment to settle, and Feyre is the one to restart the conversation. “Either way,” she tells Nesta, “it looks like counseling is going really well for you. I’m glad.”

“Yeah, it really gives your skin a certain glow,” Elain drawls.

Nesta doesn’t rise to meet her sarcasm. In all seriousness, Elain and Feyre could probably use a therapist themselves. It might make Nesta’s interactions with them less headache-inducing.

“You should visit one day,” she throws the suggestion out without thinking.

“What, like a therapy session?” Feyre says.

Realizing the implications of her terrible idea, Nesta forces herself not to backpedal. “Yes,” she makes herself grit out. “If you’re interested, that is.”

Elain and Feyre share a glance of hesitation and concern. It’s a glance that grates on Nesta’s nerves, but she keeps her mouth shut and waits for a response.

Feyre answers first: “We’ll do it.”

Elain looks more doubtful, but seems to realize that refusing to go would paint her in a negative light. We can’t have that, can we? Nesta thinks wryly. She reaches for some macarons and starts stuffing them into her purse. “Sounds good. Great.” It is not at all great. Having her sisters in the same room as her and Lana might just be terrible enough to ruin Nesta’s next month or two.

“I’ll text you the details whenever I feel like it,” she tells Feyre and Elain as she rises out of her seat. Likely not for as long as possible.

“Where are you going?” Elain demands.

“I’m leaving.” Nesta pointedly drapes her coat over her shoulders, picking up her purse. “I have plans for the rest of the day, sorry.” Plans to get home and rate Gwyn’s work crush on a scale of one to ten. Maybe she’ll rewatch a sitcom if she has time.

“But it’s only been an hour,” Feyre protests.

Did Feyre think they would be spending the whole day together? Nesta wants to shudder at the mere idea of it, but she somehow… feels bad for her sister. “Maybe another time,” she promises vaguely. To provide some sort of reassurance, she adds, “I had fun today. Thanks for pulling this together.” The words are hollow, fake, and she’s probably a hypocrite for not being able to return the same sincerity she demanded from Feyre. But honesty isn’t going to get Nesta very far today, so this false politeness is the best she can manage.

Elain looks somewhat relieved, and Feyre looks disappointed but unsurprised. “Alright.” The girls nod at her. “Get home safe.”

She turns and leaves as soon as she’s given the green light.

A stale scent greets Nesta when she enters her apartment, reminding her that she hasn’t been around in days. In her defense, the winter months are easier to bear in Cassian’s heated cabin than in a poorly insulated basement.

Flicking the lights on, Nesta books it to the thermostat, her teeth nearly chattering out of her body. After turning the heat as high as it can go, she climbs beneath the covers of her bed without bothering to take her coat off. She doesn’t take out her phone to text the groupchat like she promised she would. She doesn’t even get her laptop to turn Netflix on. Rather, her focus is caught on the framed picture of her and Cassian sitting atop the dresser.

Everything was okay as she stepped out of the tea house. It wasn’t until she was inside her car that it came upon her: the whirlwind of emotions that had stayed so carefully hidden while she chatted with her sisters. All throughout the drive home, her mind kept returning to that one topic. Children.

Elain said that Nesta used to genuinely enjoy playing substitute mother when they were children, and she was right. But that was all fun and games, like playing teacher. What Elain left out was what happened after their actual mother died and their father went into debt, leaving all three girls in need of a parent figure. Nesta wasn’t a mother then—or at least, not a good one.

Now, she stares at the picture full of smiley cheeks and windblown hair, remembering the night that she realized she wanted to hold Cassian’s hand in hers.

She can’t imagine Cassian not wanting kids. They’ve never discussed it, but it’s so obvious to anyone who’s ever met him: he has too much love to give away to not one day end up with a whole brood of children. The thought makes Nesta’s stomach churn.

***

“Thanks again, guys.” Cassian shakes hands with his team as they file out of the conference room, all of them dressed professionally while he lingers in his hoodie. As soon as the last worker is out the door, he pulls out his phone, ready to shoot Nesta a message. She met up with her sisters alone today for the first time in a year, and he can’t wait any longer to find out if their brunch ended in a fight or not.

He clicks on his phone to find two texts from his brother, sent not too long ago.

Rhys: You’re in the office today for the monthly check-in, right?

Rhys: Don’t leave after the meeting is over. I’ll be there in an hour to introduce you to the new guy heading the Milan project.

Cassian frowns, confused. Rhys and the new guy are coming all the way up here to meet him? He didn’t know he was that important to the project.

While he waits for his unexpected guests, Cassian texts Nesta twice, and only receives a single short response saying she got home safe. Resolving to call and have a real conversation with her later, he gets up to change into the spare buttondown and pressed slacks he keeps in a locker in his office. If Rhys wants him to play the part of company boss, then he might as well look the part.

He’s adjusting the cuffs of his dark-colored shirt when the door to his office opens without warning, and Rhysand strides in followed by a stiff-looking young man.

Cassian eyes the stranger up and down first, trying to get a read on him the way he’s seen Nesta and Rhys read others. He doesn’t come up with a single thing, as usual, but he hopes he achieved his goal of looking intimidating.

“Cass,” Rhys greets him with a subdued nod, in full CEO mode. “This is our new hire, Keith O’Connell. I snagged him from right under Vanserra & Co.’s noses.” His near-violet eyes gleam with pride. “He’s going to be working out of Milan for us starting this summer.”

“Sounds good to me.” Cassian smiles lazily, and this is something he doesn’t need to fake—confidence. He reaches out to shake Keith’s hand. “Hi. I’m Cassian Madani.”

“Good to meet you.” The other man shakes back, but his grip is too tight, like he’s trying to break Cassian’s hand. Try-hard, a voice that sounds like Nesta tells him. Uses arrogance to cover up his insecurity.

Cassian takes it all into account as he pulls his hand away, seeing Keith through clearer eyes. His dark brown hair is slicked back with copious amounts of hair product, and a shrewd black gaze takes in every detail of the office. He stands like he’s attempting to seem taller than he actually is.

A typical white-collar worker looking for a way up the corporate ladder, Cassian concludes. Nothing he hasn’t seen before, but there must be a reason Rhys is so excited about him.

“Keith is starting here at your branch next week,” Rhys is saying when Cassian refocuses.

He blinks, unsure if he heard correctly. “What, all the way out here?” Away from Velaris in this modest mountain town?

“We agreed it was best if you two work together as closely as possible while preparing for the summer launch. Since you can’t come to Velaris, that means Keith comes here.”

Cassian looks at Rhys in astonishment. He thought that once he rejected the Milan position, he’d cleaned his hands of the job for good. Clearly he was wrong. “Just how involved am I going to be on this project?”

Rhys grins back at him. “You’ll lead from home base, of course.”

Cassian glares. Rhys responds with a look that says they’ll talk about this later.

Keith seems to find the idea of working alongside another person as distasteful as Cassian finds it unexpected, but he says anyway, “I can’t wait to start working together. I have a lot of ideas for the Italian outpost that I think you’ll appreciate.”

“I’m sure I will,” Cassian hums. “When do you start again?”

“Next Monday.”

“Then we should talk then.” Cassian gestures out the door. Keith looks taken aback, likely having expected more out of this meeting. But Cassian can’t meet with this guy until he gets a hold of what the fuck is going on. After shepherding Keith out of the office and shutting the door after him, he turns to Rhys with a raised brow.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Rhys warns. “Your role in this project is serious.”

“This project isn’t even part of my job description. What am I supposed to know about international business conductions?”

“You know enough to keep an eye on that O’Connell kid for me.” Rhys leans against Cassian’s desk as if it’s his own and crosses his feet. “He’s an asset to the company, but he also worked for our competitors up to a couple of months ago. I can’t trust him to manage this thing on his own, and I don’t have the time or resources right now to watch over him myself. That’s why the duty falls to you.”

“I manage security,” Cassian states, in case it wasn’t obvious. “What about Az?”

“Az has his own things to handle.” Rhys waves him off. “Just do what I tell you to, will you? Pay attention to O’Connell for the duration of the Italy venture and make sure he doesn’t steer our ship off course. You’ll get paid triple for the extra hours.”

“I don’t need triple,” Cassian grumbles, but Rhys is no longer listening. He’s typing on his phone and already heading for the door.

“Feyre and I are having dinner here before heading back home,” he calls over his shoulder. “See you later; I believe in you!” The door shuts after him, leaving Cassian alone.

“Yeah, yeah,” he replies to the empty room.

Cassian leaves not long after Rhysand does, having no excuse to linger. Outside, he’s greeted with a surprise leaning against the hood of his truck.

Nesta pushes off the hood as soon as he catches notice of her. “Long day?” she asks.

He laughs for the first time all afternoon, the sound surprised and genuine. “I was just thinking about you.”

“That’s why I’m here. I heard your thoughts.” There’s a light in her pale eyes that only burns whenever she looks at him. It’s the same light that powers her ability to make jokes and let her guard down around him in a way she can’t with most others, and Cassian is especially grateful for it today.

Nesta reaches out and takes his hand into hers. He watches the way their palms fit together in endless fascination, his brown fingers a stark contrast against her white ones. He squeezes once and looks back up at her. “How did meeting your sisters go? You never told me.”

The light flickers so briefly Cassian wonders if it’s a trick of his eyes. But then Nesta is there again, at full brightness. She squeezes his hand back. “Take me home. I’ll tell you all about it.”

***

a/n: i love writing stuff related to cassian’s job i’ll just be throwing random words in there and calling it business jargon

tagging: @hellasblessed @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @wannawriteyouabook @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @planet-faerie @shallowhighwaters @ghostlyrose2 @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @rarephloxes @readiajin @nessiantrashh @live-the-fangirl-life @ifinallygavein @xoblivisci @sjmships @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @lysandra-tiara @lanyjoy-13 @frosted-crackers @post-it-notes33 @loosingdreams @fromthelibraryofemilyj @18moneytoad @dontgetsalmonella @champanheandluxxury @togreblog

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twelve - “it’s hovercraft time, bucky barnes”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.4k

synopsis: neither bucky nor y/n can sleep... until they do. and the next day brings them an unexpected, but pleasant surprise.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

It was four in the morning when the psychologist and the super soldier got in their respective beds after the nightmare. Y/N laid on her side in the bunk across from Bucky, facing away from him and staring at the wall. Her body wanted to sleep but her mind kept whirring on and on, worrying about him.

It wouldn't be that bad if she could just ignore it. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't wide awake also thinking about how it would be utterly impossible for him to have any eye color other than blue.

She sighed. Christ almighty, just go to sleep.

About twenty minutes passed before she heard it.

"Why are you still up?" he mumbled.

She turned over to her other side, dramatically, staring at his silhouette in the dark.

"How could you possibly know that?"

"I'm a trained assassin," he said, as a matter of fact. "I can recognize breath patterns."

"Yeah, well I know for a fact that you aren't even trying to fall back asleep."

"How could you possibly know that?" he repeated her question.

"I just do," she stated before turning on her back and staring straight up.

He scoffed playfully.

"What?" she asked.

Her tone wasn't as playful. It wasn't angry or annoyed; she could never be with him. But, it was void of emotion and her usual sarcastic cadence. She didn't enjoy people reading her like that. She knew he wasn't, but it felt like she was being called out for caring so much. She wanted to rein in her own compassion, but she couldn't help the way he softened her.

"That's just code for 'I'm a trained psychologist and I know how you're gonna react to nightmares.'"

She replied with silence, desperately trying to end the conversation so she could try to sleep and leave this night behind.

"Sorry, did I- did I say something?" he asked.

"No, you're good."

Part of her felt bad for being short with him, but she needed it to be over. She needed to somehow distance herself from her own feelings.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up with the nightmare and messed with you being able to fall back asleep. I know it's... a lot."

He's sorry. He's sorry?

"Don't you dare apologize. It's not your fault, and it's not even why I can't fall back asleep."

"What's the problem then?"

"It's nothing. Just try and get some sleep."

"Yeah... about that..."

"Will you have another?"

"Not  sure. I don't wanna find out."

"I know. And I'm sorry. Sleep shouldn't be this menacing, but you should still try anyway. Your body needs it."

"So does yours."

Y/N let out an exasperated sigh. There she went caring again and he kept deflecting. Her frustrations about her own emotions came out in stubborn defiance.

"I'm not sleeping until you do."

"Guess we're both stayin' up then."

"Bucky," she gently admonished.

"Y/N I can't- that... was the worst one I've had in a while."

That was it. Any and all aggravation faded to nothing, and her cheeks were hot with guilt. To hell with it; she refused to leave him to pain. She then got out of her bunk. Carefully, she maneuvered out and kneeled on the floor, facing him. She felt bad; she didn't mean to push him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I should know better."

He mirrored her actions, slipping out of his own bunk and kneeling on the floor in front of her

"It's okay," he didn't miss a beat. His voice was as soft of hers. "Thank you."

He was closer now, so she could see a more detailed outline of him. She never really noticed just how large he was. Just his arm looked as big as her head. He was supposed to look frightening, but... she just couldn't see it.

"If you don't wanna sleep that's okay. I'll stay up with you so you don't have to be alone."

"Y/N..."

"I'm already up, I don't mind," she countered. "Seriously. I'm wide awake now. Honestly, I don't even know if I could fall back asleep if I tried."

"I can't ask you to stay up and babysit just 'cause you feel bad."

She scooted forward, determined not to lose to deflection again. Babysit? and Cause you feel bad? How could he truly think so little of himself?

"I am definitely not babysitting. I just happened to be awake at the same time you are... and not because I feel bad."

He scooted forward a couple inches, squinting, trying to decipher her facial expressions. "I can't tell if you're joking or not just from your tone of voice."

In the very back of her head it returned: that hazy enchantment feeling that swelled from her lungs through her brain stem every time she was this close to him. It is important to note - it was in the very back of her brain, and if you ignore something long enough, you can convince yourself it's not there.

"James Buchanan, I am awake and there's not a thing you can do about it."

"Alright," he sighed. "I don't know if you're expecting some kind of entertainment, but I can't really juggle with one arm..."

"I can't juggle with two."

"Ever been to the circus?"

"No."

He laughed. "Oh man, you're missin' out."

"No, I got the clown right here."

"Wow, is that how it is?"

"Depends. You got face paint and a rainbow wig?"

"Smartass."

The air was quiet after their breathy laughs fizzled out. A few moments of awkwardness quietly passed, both unsure of what to say next.

"You know when you're in the dark, your pupils dilate to take in as much light as they can in order to see better?" Y/N asked.

"I think I knew that? I'm not sure, I might've heard it somewhere. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. I can't see your face super well, so it made me think of it. I can barely even see your eyes."

"Maybe that's better," he chuckled. "I don't know if they're still blood shot from earlier."

"Like I'd care."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"What?"

"Why wouldn't you care? I feel like seeing someone's puffy face and post-cry eyes would be kinda gross."

"You really think I care if your eyes are red or puffy?" she questioned. "Buck, I know I'm probably not supposed to say this because technically I'm your doctor, but I honestly consider you a really good friend. I'd be more worried to see that you've been crying than be aversive to it."

He scoffed in honest disbelief.

"What?"

"I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you think that way about me..."

"What do you mean?"

"...the person I am, the things I've done, the..." he shook his head, "the horrors I've committed..."

"The horrors you've committed are not who you are. I know you see yourself in a lot of different ways because it's hard to un-learn what other people have decided you are: a monster, a ghost, an asset, a machine, an assassin, a weapon, whatever. But have you ever considered that you're just human after all? You're a man who got dealt a shit hand in life. But there is still light in him... light that never left, no matter how hard they tried to beat it out of you. You're a survivor, Buck."

Bucky took a deep breath in, contemplating, before turning and laying on his back. They both remained on the floor, Y/N kneeling a few inches away from the side of Bucky's supine figure. He stared straight up at the ceiling.

"Sometimes I think I'm a better 'ghost' than I am a human being. My mind's a mess, and even though I'm trying, I still can't help but feel like I've lost who I am."

"You haven't lost who you are. You're just different now, and that's okay."

He looked up at her. "How do you always know what to say?"

"I know everything."

Y/N smiled, following Bucky's laugh, allowing the somber atmosphere to lighten up a bit. They so easily slipped in and out of the therapy dynamic, but now it seemed more like a heartfelt conversation between friends rather than treatment between doctor and patient.

"I consider you a really good friend too by the way - closest one I've had since Steve."

"Wow, really? That's an honor."

"Not really," he chuckled. "Steve's a punk."

And there she went laughing again. In one way or another she always found herself laughing around him.

However, she found it more confusing than funny when she woke up the following morning to find herself sitting on the floor, leaning against one of the beds with Bucky's head in her lap. She found her hands resting on his head protectively, fingers slightly carded through his long hair. She woke up before him... That's a first.

Y/N looked down at him. He was fast asleep; he looked peaceful and so relaxed. It was such a rare state to see him in, so she gave herself a few more seconds to study how his face looked when it was completely tranquil before she smoothed her hand along the back of his head and replaced her lap with a pillow.

-

"Hey," a raspy voice called out.

Y/N turned around from her seat at the table, hands still wrapped around the cup of tea she made herself a few minutes prior.

Bucky was awake, sitting up, but still in his previous spot on the floor.

"Hey. You want some tea?"

He stood up, nodding and stretching his back. "Did I fall back asleep?"

"You did," she smiled. "I'm pleased. I told you you needed the rest."

He seemed pleasantly surprised. "And on the floor too. Very classy."

She raised her mug to him, as if to make a toast. "Classiest man I know."

He laughed before grabbing the kettle and realizing it was empty.

"Shoot. We're outta water."

"It's alright. We know where to find the waterfall. You want to go get more?"

"Mm hm."

"Alright, I'll just finish my tea and go out in a few minutes."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm coming too."

"You sure? You just woke up. You can take some time to just relax if you want."

"No. I'm going."

"Stubborn. I can go myself, you know. I know the way."

"Would you let me go by myself?"

Y/N was silent for a moment before sighing.

"Get your shoes."

-

"You know, there was really no reason to almost push me into the water," Bucky commented as they were making their way back to the shelter after restocking their water supply.

"I wasn't actually going to!"

"You might as well have! My life flashed before my eyes!"

"Bet that took forever. You wanna backtrack? I can do it for real this time."

"I'm throwin' you in next time."

"You couldn't throw me," she challenged.

"Like a football," he countered, smirking.

"I don't wanna test that theory."

Their banter continued as they continued walking, making sure they were in the tree line and not out in the open. Bucky was always cautious. He was able to laugh with her while still making sure they were safe. That was until his arm was suddenly around the front of her shoulders, and holding her against his chest as his back was flush against a tree, effectively hiding them both from sight. She just stared forward, barely registering how fast he swiveled both of them around.

"There's someone at the bunker. I'm sorry- didn't want us to be seen."

He removed his arm, but her feet were stuck. She had never been close to him like this before; she didn't know what to think of it. She stepped forward a bit, breaking the contact but still facing away from him. She was hyperaware of their proximity but that quickly dissipated as she registered what he said.

"What did you see?"

"There were a couple people, but I didn't get a great look 'cause I moved out of sight fast. One woman, two men? I think."

His tone and demeanor reminded her of that day Shuri told them they had to go in hiding. He was so calm and collected. She forgot situations like these were practically muscle memory to him.

"Do you think someone found us? What were they doing?"

"I only saw 'em for a second, I'm not sure. Stay still, I'm gonna look."

As soon as his head peaked around the tree, so did Y/N's, ignoring his order.

"Wait, I think that's Shuri."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. I don't know if I'd bet my life on it."

"What's that other thing?"

"The hovercraft?"

"Hovercraft? God, I love this place."

"Wait, see the crest on the hovercraft - that's the one only Shuri can unlock."

"Alright, just... stay behind me. Okay?"

"Okay."

The two slowly made their way towards the three Wakandans. Y/N actually listened this time and stayed behind Bucky. As soon as they were in sight, Shuri came running up to them.

"Y/N!" she exclaimed, immediately throwing herself into the psychologist, embracing her.

She was startled at first, arms awkwardly hanging by her sides before her brain finally caught up to her and she brought her arms up lightly, returning the hug.

"Shuri! What happened?"

"We won!" Shuri grinned. "It's a long and complicated story, but the rightful King never died. My brother has reclaimed his place on the throne. Wakanda is ours once again!"

A monumental weight was lifted from Y/N's shoulders. She sighed in relief, knowing she was no longer in danger, knowing Bucky was no longer in danger.

"That's incredible. I'm so glad everything's okay, and I'm so glad to see you."

"I'm glad to see you too, my partner," Shuri hugged her once more before addressing Bucky. "Sergeant Barnes. I'm sorry for all the trouble. I hope everything was alright?"

"We've been getting along just fine," he nodded. "Thank you."

Shuri called over the two other men - royal guards that came with her - before turning back to Y/N and Bucky.

"You've been camped out here in hiding long enough. Let us go home."

As they walked behind the Wakandan princess, Y/N nudged Bucky with her elbow.

"It's hovercraft time, Bucky Barnes," she managed to say through a face numbing smile.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance

[utterlyhopeful-fics]

Goodbye - Epilogue (Captain Syverson)

MASTERLIST         P1          P2          P3          P4          P5   

A/N: I happy cried writing this. I apologize for it’s delay but sincerely hope it was worth the wait. Enjoy! 

If I keep tagging you and you’re not interested or want to be tagged; please let know!

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: SO MUCH FLUFF, language, a hint of smut, more fluffy domestic goodness, reference to PTSD

***********************************

An arid summer’s eve laid upon them yet a welcoming, cool brisk dispersed through the night’s mellow sky. It was one of those magical July nights, a night that didn’t cause you to swelter miserably. At least not as fast as usual. Y/N gazed up at the array of luminescent stars glistening down on her sighing contently. She eyed the big dipper with ease thinking back to every astrological book she’d homed over the three decades.

Her hand grazed her bulging belly soaking in the last days before her son’s arrival. She leaned her head against the cool cushion contemplating the peaceful the evening. Soon her thoughts drifted to her husband, Sy putting their two miracles, Luna and Oliver to bed. Her eldest, Oliver was the definition of a blessing in disguise. Now her baby was five and the celebration of Luna’s third birthday long past. Where did the time go…every mother greatest fear.

Briefly, Y/N closed her eyes listening to the music laced in the wind. Soon they would be outnumbered, something both of them were slowly coming to terms with. Sy cherished the swell of her belly and the fullness of her breasts secretly wishing for as many kids as humanly possible. 

Y/N, on the other hand figured three was plenty but Sy was a tricky one, a handsomely tricky man who worshipped the ground she walked on. A different man from their initially rocky start. Granted, looking back on the beginning of their relationship left a small twinge in her chest, he’d tried his damndest to make it up to her every day since leaving that hospital.

Sy had gone through hell and back clawing his way from death’s vicious grip. Rehabilitation had kicked his ass but he persevered gradually gaining strength after every tedious therapy session. Needless to say, the last couple years weren’t always roses and butterflies. Oh no, there were times when Sy admitted defeat, yelled in unbridled anger, and genuinely resented the cards he’d been dealt.

But it brought them here together, in this moment, forever thankful of their ever-growing family. And for that she would be infinitely indebted for the rest of her days. Thankfully after two intensive years of non-stop motivation and assistance, the only sign of his accident was a minor limp Y/N found absolutely loveable.

Cicadas pierced the silence as lightning bugs alit to life. Sy’s heavy steps protruded along the wood stripped floors making his way towards his magnificent wife. The swivel of the sliding door popped Y/N’s serene daze. A thunderous voice echoed; “Baby?”

Y/N hummed sensing him approach from behind. His meaty hands met the crook of her neck massaging her swollen shoulders. An uncontrollable exhale escaped her.

“Hey good lookin’.”

His lips brushed against her moisturized skin grazing her collarbone before roaming towards the corner of her lip. Taking his own cue, Sy continued his trail of hot kisses down her chest wavering towards her plump breasts. She moaned in pure bliss.

“If you keep that up, you’re going to send me into labor.”

Sy stopped, a chuckle reverberating from his chest; “Ain’t that a good thing?” His Texas twang was the equivalence of freshly churned butter, a noise so familiar her heart still soared to cloud nine.

Choosing to ignore his sass, Y/N found herself staring upwards at the stars and many constellations. Sy’s large frame settled into the chair beckoning her towards the setta lounge chair. Y/N nodded unwilling to deny her handsome husband a minute longer sliding into his lap. His heat immediately emitted to her core warming every bit of exposed skin.

“I see you made it out in one piece?”

Sy’s massive arms engulfed Y/N’s changing body perching his chin atop her shoulder.

“Hardly! If I have to read Uni the Unicorn one more damn time I might have to be committed.”

Y/N jokingly slapped his shoulder; “Oh c’mon. You love seeing Luna’s beaming smile or else you wouldn’t give in to her every night.”

“Sure, she’s cute now but wait til she’s datin.”

“Nope, nope. She’s still gonna be my sweetie.”

Sy considered his wife’s words coming to a conclusion that she was shamelessly right. His girls had him tightly wound around their fingers. He wasn’t your average fool, no he was now a family man fool. If someone told him this is where his life path would’ve led him, he’d have blatantly laughed in their face but now he saw no other future than the one right in front of him. The numerous doctors and therapists saved his life but Y/N truly revived him from the perverse melancholy of PTSD.

The woman who hung the moon, balanced his universe, the woman who miraculously gave life to two healthy children, and the woman he once stupidly shoved aside. That was in the past and for the first time in his life, Sy looked forward to the future, their future.

Together they sat tangled as one listening to nature’s melody. After leaving the city, they’d purchased ten acres ready to rear their children outside of hectic city living.

“Baby, have I told you I love you today? Because if not shame on me.”

“Only bout a million times but who’s counting.”

His arms draped around her waist tenderly rubbing her jutting stomach.

“God, you are so fucking sexy like this.”

“Like what? Bloated and gassy?”

Her sarcasm was undeniable.

“No, horny and swollen with my child.”

“Man, you really know how to get my hormones raging….”

“Seriously babe, I love seeing pregnant. It’s incredibly hot. Bigger boobs, higher sex drive, these curves, I mean who would complain?”

“Ha ha. Well, that makes one of us because I feel like a whale.”

Syverson didn’t miss a beat; “But a very sexy whale.”

“Kids go down easy?”

“If by easy you mean fifteen minutes of reading with light back rubbing, and a fight over that squirrel night light, then yes, they went down easy.”

“Thank you for the peace and quiet. Sincerely.”

“Anything for you, baby.”

“Any more thought on what to name bubba here?”

Y/N caressed her belly protectively searching for catchy names.

“What about… Henry?”

Sure enough, Y/N nodded liking the ring of it; “Henry Syverson. Sounds pretty awesome if I do say so myself.”

He held her jaw lightly guiding her to face him admiring the sparkle in her eyes.

“Well cowgirl, I can’t wait to meet him.”

“I can’t believe we’re about to be outnumbered.”

Her pulse accelerated at the terrifying notion alone but Sy remained calm, cool, and collected.

“Y/N, we’ve got this. You and me, together. We’ve mastered two already, what’s one more?”

Her newfound nerves evaporated. Y/N squirmed trying to stretch her sleepy bones. A sensational moan flowed from his lips. So, Y/N repeated her previous movement wiggling her hips for full effect.

“Darlin, that feels fucking fantastic.”

“Mmm, yeah?

Taking charge Y/N kissed him sliding her tongue along his lower lip. With every passing second the intensity skyrocketed; Y/N passionately kissed him. Syverson devoured her like a man starved deepening the connection. Breathy pants circulated around the air. Before Sy could enunciate another vowel, his zipper was down and Y/N palming his hardening dick. He was damn glad he married a minx. His head back launched against the cushion at the sensation coursing through his veins. Y/N made quick work unbuttoning his pant clasp tugging the offensive material below his knees.

Sy’s fingers danced over her hips clutching at the sheer nightie. Silently taking his cue, Y/N raised to her knees giving him full access. Sy didn’t hesitate ripping the material watching her round breasts shimmer underneath the moonlight.

“God baby. You are gorgeous.”

“And to think you almost passed all this up.”

His laugh was hesitant thinking back on his former idiotic actions. Y/N allowed him a couple seconds of consolation before snapping him out of his self-hatred inner monologue. Her hand gripped his chin forcing his gaze; “Don’t do that, honey. Our past is what saved us. You are the only man for me.”  

He plunged two fingers into her soaked pussy jolting her system. Her hips moved as Y/N fucked herself atop him. Sy watched on in awe basking in marvel.

“Fuck, sweetheart. I gotta be inside you. Now.” Choking out the final word Sy knew he wouldn’t last long at this rate. He teased her clit rubbing his bulging tip teasingly along her most sensitive part. Y/N slid down his thick cock relishing in his fullness.

Every push and pull succumbed to a harder thrust. Sy held on for dear life losing himself in her sweet essence. Fireworks sparked beneath her lids as Sy pulsated within her velvety walls. Underneath the stars, two lovers made love uninterrupted for as long as the darkness lingered. Two mind- blowing orgasms later, two lovers remained intertwined and imperfectly in love.

--------------

“Mommy! Dada!”

Little feet pattered down the hallway nearing with every step. Y/N’s lids were sleep heavy enveloped by muscular arms.

“The rascals are awake and on the prowl.”

“Too awake. It’s Sunday! The day definition of rest.”

“Not when you have kids, hon.”

“Quick! Kiss me before the barge in.”

Sy leaned closer admiring his wife’s morning beauty sealing the deal. Milliseconds later their bedroom door burst open as two little people climbed the chest located at the foot of the bed. Grinning smiles in tow, Oliver and Luna snuggled towards their drowsy parents. Oliver landing atop Sy’s bare chest and Luna snuggled Y/N’s welcoming bosom.

“Mama! You pretty.”

Y/N grinned at her beautiful baby girl wondering just where the little baby she gave birth to went. Her heart ached wanting to memorize every last detail.

Sy’s booming bravado could awaken an entire hotel spinning her kids into endless giggles.  

“Good morning my cubs!”

“Daddy, we’re not cubs!”

“To me you are.”

Y/N shot him a glare; Sy joined in breaking into a fit of laughter; “Who’s hungry?!”

“Me!”

“Me, me, daddy!”

Jumping up and down, they were ready to greet the day bushy-eyed and energetic. Momma was in serious need of a strong cup of peppermint tea.

“But first lemme kiss baby Hen.”

Too distracted by husband caressing her loving belly, Y/N sighed at the newly created nickname.

“Hen, huh?”

His magnetic eyes travelled to hers; “You like?”

“So much. But let’s address the real elephant in the room… What’s for breakfast?”

Oliver continued jumping as Luna squirmed in Sy’s strong arms.

“Daddy! Daddy!”

Y/N feigned coyly suppressing her glee; “Hmm, I’m thinkin…...WAFFLES!!”

“My favvvvorite!!”  

Shuffles of tiny feet waddled echoing down the hallway. Sy placed a loving kiss on her forehead; “Take your time sweetheart. I’ll watch the monsters.”

“You’re a godsend.”

“Only for my girl.”

Heavy footsteps followed suit. As much as Y/N treasured the last few months of pregnancy. With that being said she was more than ready to greet her bundle of joy. Out of nowhere a pain shot through her spine down to her pelvis knocking the wind from Y/N.

“Ouch...” She rubbed her stomach; “Hungry little man?”

Again, another kick radiated her body. Y/N ventured forward heading towards the loud noise coming from the kitchen.

Splash. Glancing down, Y/N noticed a puddle between her legs staring wide-eyed; “Shit, shit, shit!”

A dull ache riveted feeling overwhelming pressure on her uterus. Warm liquid dripped down her inner thighs. This could only mean one thing; show time.

“Sy!”

No response.

“Syverson! Get your cute butt up here! NOW.”

Sy magically appeared out of breath, concern written all over his face; “What? What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

With her contraction temporarily paused her brain was able to formulate words; “I uh, believe my water just broke.”

“Holy shit.”

“Language, damnit!”

Sy threw her a stern spirited look; “Hi, Pot. I’m Kettle.”

“Hush it and make yourself useful. Suitcase is in the hall closet by the front door. I’m gonna grab my slippers. Meet you in a jiffy.”

An arm reached for Y/N; “Ah, ah. Not so fast. I moved them two days ago. I had this weird feeling buggin me and well, ya.”

Taking a deep hearty breath, Y/N collected her impulsive thoughts; “Okay, let’s’ get the littles buckled and do this, baby.”

“One sec.”

Locked in his hug, Sy wanted to remember every detail of Y/N, just like this, in the home they built and the family they were blessed with. Words were no longer necessary. But just as quickly, another wave of contractions hit Y/N sending her hurling over.

“Okay, moment over. Let’s get the show on the road.”

And just like that the once too painful burdens Syverson lugged with him the past years vanished never questioning his luck and life again eternally grateful to the woman who simply said I do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tags:  @thedeadhearted @giveusbackourbucky @henry-cavill-obsessed  @onlyhenrys @omgkatinka @thereisa8ella @threeminutesoflife @homewreckingwreck @gemini0410 @maan14@bluegalaxyprime @sofiebstar @whyyykitkat @encounterthepast  @readermia @ly-canthropewrites @scorpionchild81 @henrythickcavill @snowbellexx @stephartrave @agniavateira  @cap-barnes @henryfanfics101  @mary-ann84 @westcoast-nightowl @poledancingdinos  @justaboringadult @peakygroupie  @nalathefirefly @vikingsbifrost @bloodyinspiredfuck @moderapoppins @cooldiva1234 @icedcoffeeismythang @titty-teetee @summersong69 @kaatelyyynn @missursulacalmet @michelehansel @iloveyouyen @shyshu @star017 @raynosaurus-rex @radkesgirl83 @starrynite7114  @wheretheriversrunintothesea @i-love-scott-mccall  @darkbooksarwin @ellieseymour70 @designerwriterchic @studywithrosie01 @dangerouslovefanfic @lebguardians @crazybutconfidentaf @hen-cavill  @cavill-sass @oh-for-fic-sake @icedbottles @buckysgoldenheart @brexrif @gryffindorwriter @laketaj24 @foxyjwls007 @lawsofthejungle @henrycavillfanpage @kaboogie21 @fangirl199812 @gothicninibalor @qualitynightkoala @strictlybuckybarnes @toomanyfandomsshreya @hersilencescreams-blog @viking-raider @sesamepancakes  @madbaddic7ed @fuckoffbard @funfickgirl22 @inlovewithhisblueeyes @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @hoeforhenry @henrycavills-babe @abschaffer2 @loving-this @one-of-those-fanfiction-blogs @lovelycavills @beck07990 @bokillylovesloki @michelehansel @lharrietg

[7fckingidiots]

Would you be alright with writing some HCs about the brothers and a MC who's a trans guy? Sorry if it's a tall order or too vague, they're a big comfort for me and I'd like to see what ideas you have bcs your headcanons are fantastic ;w;

HELL YEAH DUDE!!!! IM ALSO TRANS!!! AH!!!!! demigirl rights :3 but i also find a huge comfort in the boys and i hc all of them as trans because no one can Stop Me •• but i really hope you enjoy these and remember you’re valid and i care u so much! Also i hope you don’t mind but i kinda made it gender neutral so every trans folk could enjoy!

The Brothers With A Trans MC

Lucifer

He didn’t know until you came out to him honestly. He knew all his other siblings were trans but with all the work Diavolo gave him and adding new students from different realms on top of that he hadn’t really had time to notice any minor changes in you.

He feels guilty about this and immediately makes sure(like everyone else)to ask for your pronouns, name, and how you would like to present yourself from now on.

Fixes your ID cards and your papers with Diavolo right after dinner

God. He’s such a dad and he gets you things that have your new name on them. You wake up to see you have a new pencil case with your name embroidered on it with matching pencils. God.....he’s so weird i love him so much

Asmo does most of your clothing shopping but for formal wear he takes you shopping! He’s not about to buy you some cheap tux or gown ok it’s gonna be over 2000 grim and he’s gonna get you three of them STOP HIM

He’s not the best with verbal affection so he writes down notes that are like “you looked very handsome/pretty today.” or when he first starts writing them they’re like “you’re a boy/girl/kid. i’m proud of you.” Thank u mr morningstar

You want surgery or to start hormones??? He will stop all his work with Diavolo and spend forever looking up things for you, he wants you to be as safe as possible(pls he almost fainted after he realized you’d have to give yourself a shot like everyday dhdhdhjdhd hc that demons/angels don’t have to do hormone therapy i’m so JEALOUS)

Practices saying your pronouns in his study when you first come out. He just wants to make sure you feel as safe as possible in his care(and he remembers how terrible it felt to be misgendered)

Guess what....he loves you no matter what :)

Mammon

You’re blind as hell if you couldn’t see his top scars but I respect it

King DOES slip up on your pronoun change but always immediately corrects himself. Satan has a spray bottle that he sprays Mammon with when he does it. Mammon is NOT amused but the same can’t be said for Belphie.

Gender affirming activities??? Oh yeah like robbing a bank?? That’s pretty gender neutral and trans right?? Yeah!!! Wow such a good supportive brother.

If you want you can wear the formal wear Lucifer bought you to the said bank heist. Boom trans rights

You can practice painting his nails or doing his makeup if you’re too nervous to do it on yourself first!! Dw if it’s bad he also can’t do makeup or paint nails so once you let him return the favor you’re both laughing and Asmo is distraught.

KING at dying hair he will get you whatever you need and if you want an entire different hair cut entirely he’s ON it

Very used to being Loud and Brash but if you need someone to talk to about anything really he always calms down and sits down to listen to whatever you have to say.

Lots of gendered gifts from him. This said for men??? Oh ok adds to cart. Oh pink??? For ladies??? yeah that can go in there too

You’re never gonna believe this.....But he loves you and supports you :)

Levi

He was the first one to come out to you at the house!! He was just so excited! Same hat!!!

Gets literally any video game where you can design the protag/have custom pronouns and will play games like that with you for hours

Would you like a pride flag.....for u.....He has too many.....Please take the trans flag please he has no room....he bought in bulk for a pride event and didn’t consider the consequences of his actions

Miku binder but irl. He will get if for you but unironically.....thanks King. He just likes binders with patterns and i respect IT

Dysphoria?? He gives you his hoodie bc that was his trademark dysphoria hoodie and i GUESS for you he can share............he would give u anything just ask nicely he’s sensitive

Reads any character that matches up with your gender and is like!!!!! That’s you!!!! OMG!!!! You in da IRL

Goes back and edits his tweets if they use your old name or pronouns(also has he/they in his bio. this is for nothing just makes me :D)

If you haven’t chosen your name he’s gonna suggest so many fictional characters. POV levi kin assigns you.

You listen to music together that just has Trans Vibes.....maybe u cry together but there’s no judgment!! It’s just nice :)

God it’s wild but! He loves u and thinks ur great :)

Satan

Enby Satan. That’s all :)

He’s very quite about it, he supports you! He’s just not loud like his brothers

He brings you book about gender studies and LGBTQ history that he thinks would interest you(there some of his favorite books and they’ve made him feel the most comfortable in his gender)

Gives you a name list if you haven’t named yourself yet! He cares about you and wants to make sure you have the right name that suits you

He’s the one that tells you that it’s ok if you’re still figuring it all out, learning about yourself is a very tricky process and if anyone knows that it’s Satan

Any of the brothers would kill anyone who misgendered you but with Satan that shit is ON SIGHT

Asks you how you know and what were the signs that gave it away to you, but only if you’re comfortable telling him!! He just finds everyone’s experience interesting and would like to know yours as well.

Spells for fucking DAYS Satan personally kills body dysphoria the best he can(mainly bc he’s HIGHKEY afraid of you getting surgery he hates knives so much)

Makes your comfort food for you when you’re feeling down about yourself and will read whatever you want to hear outloud to you.

!!!!!! GET THIS !!!!!! He loves YOU :0

Asmo

Fucking excited!!!! This means you two are going to buy so much clothing together and he gets to style you let’s GO

Buys you whatever you want but he will make you try it all on so be CAREFUL what u wish for.....ur gonna be there till the store closes yeah......

Paints your nails with the trans pride flag!! Also does your makeup and gives you tips on how to look more masculine or fem!!

VOICE LESSONS

He will help you lower or raise the pitch of your voice if it KILLS him. It eventually becomes like a mini class after school

Helps with internalized transphobia! Hes dealt with his fair share and knows how awful it can be and he will NOT being having you experience that as well we r practicing Self Care now

Picks apart any one who misgenders you until they’re crying he has NO fucking time for that behavior in this HOUSE

Sometimes self care is eating whatever you want and sitting in the dysphoria hoodies while watching chick flicks with Asmo

He likes dressing you up but he’s always sure to set boundaries so he never puts you into something that makes you feel uncomfortable

ALSO edits his posts and takes down anything that makes you uncomfortable!!

He loves you so much!!!!

Beel

another one to hand you The Dysphoria Hoodie and it’s very large and comfy!

he’ll help you make out a work out routine that will help you get the body you want and it makes him really happy to work out with you :)

he’s gonna hold your hand if you have to take shots and will give you puppy eyes if you don’t let him. He’s just worried!!!! He wants to help

stands behind you whenever you’re nervous about coming out to someone, he will NOT have someone making you feel bad or misgendering you

he’ll see food with trans pride colors and gives it too you, probably doesn’t even know what it is half the time but it made him think of you so he makes sure to get it for you

he doesn’t trip up on any of your new pronouns or name and makes it seem like he never even knew them. dead name???? what’s that??? a type of sauce?????

will let you vent to him whenever needed and will always make you a sundae after you’ve finished. it’s comically huge but it’s tasty and does make you feel a lot better, thanks beel

makes sure you remember to take off your binder if you’ve been wearing it for more than eight hours! and if you’ve been wearing heels to feel more fem he reminds you to take those off too and has a pair of slippers for you in his room that you can wear instead

hey! get this! He loves you so, so much :D

Belphie

you’re trans? ok kid join the club. he doesn’t make a big deal at all

are you still gonna cuddle with him and join him in his quest to make lucifer’s life difficult? yeah? ok then cool what’s ur name 

if he hears someone misgender you he waits till you’ve left the room and just kills whoever did it, dude’s unhinged what did you expect from him honestly

he’s actually really curious about any hormone therapy you’re on and likes listening to you rant about it to him. he likes seeing your face light up and it partly reminds him of lilith

calls your hormones something stupid like “oh dude, your gamer girl juice arrived.” or “hey your little man potion is here.” ...thanks belphie

will NOT let you sleep in a binder or push up bra!!! not healthy!! let ur chest breath guys 

like mammon, he gets you gendered gifts but they’re so fucking weird? you didn’t need a girls version of a collectable hot wheels set???? he got you blue lightning mcqueen sheets?????? those EXIST here????!!!!! when does he even shop......

introduces you to new people like “this is our resident boy/girl/human. they don’t do much but i think they’re cool.”

he really does care about you but he remembers when he came out he just didnt want people to make a big deal about it so he’s just doing what would have made him feel the most comfortable, but you can still see how much love he has for you when you look into his eyes

he loves you, so, so much :)

[blackmissfrizzle]

Just Right (2)

Part 1

Characters: Angel Reyes x black!plussized!reader

Chapter Summary: As he gets trained Angel starts feeling feelings.

Chapter Warning: Fluff, smut

A/N: Again shoutout to @starrynite7114 for being a wonderful friend, sounding board, and muse. Thank you girlie 😘

A/N (2): Since I got a chapter left, I’m gonna post one chapter a day.

If you want to check out more of my work here’s my masterlist and if you want to be notified here’s my taglist.

Divider Cred: @firefly-graphics​

Photo Cred: @blessedboo​

Angel was wrong and you were right. He hated you. While he was dying from the suicides you made him do you were standing there eating a taco and drinking water.

“Ain’t that enough?” Angel looked up at you during his break. “Nah, you’re gonna keep running until I feel skinny.” You took another bite of the taco.

“You’re fucking evil.” He lifted himself up for the next round torture. “I mean you could always use the safe word.” You shrugged nonchalantly.

Angel glared at you for your suggestion. He promised himself he would never speak Adelita’s name again and that’s why he decided to use it as his safe word during training. That way he wouldn’t give up. “Fuck no!” He shivered and started running again.

That’s exactly how training went for weeks. You push Angel until he voiced his hatred for you and then you pushed him some more. But in the evenings, you were each other’s company except for the occasional appearance by his brother and dad.

During this time Angel got to appreciate you more. You were attractive, funny, smart, and kind. How in the hell did he not see that before?

He was down in his garage working on his bike when you entered. “I always wanted to know what was in here.”

Angel shifted his gaze from his bike to you. He had to hold back a groan. Dressed in an oversized T-shirt of his team and shorts, a messy bun and your glasses with a plate of cookies in your hand you looked delectable. Again, he questioned himself on how Adelita was the one to capture his attention when you were right there all along.

“Ummmmm…cars.”

“Okay, smartass.” You chuckled as you rounded the corner. There you found Angel crouched on the ground working on a motorcycle. You weren’t able to see it earlier due to one of his cars blocking it. “Oh my god,” your fingers caressed the vehicle. “I didn’t know you had a bike.”

This wasn’t something Angel was used to. None of the women he dealt with including Adelita shared an interest in it. “Yeah, she’s my pride and joy.”

Finally standing up you got to enjoy Angel’s shirtless body. Yeah, he’s worked out shirtless before and you had to keep your composure then, but this, this was different. Maybe it had to do with him working with his hands or maybe it was because of his low-slung jeans that hugged his hips. Either way you were a mess.

Taking a deep breath, you purged your mind of any dirty thoughts of Angel Reyes. “Dude, you gotta take me for a ride.”

“Yeah?” Angel smiled at you, while wiping the grease off his hands. No matter how hard he asked, Adelita never agreed to ride with him, but here comes you and you’re practically begging him.

“Hell yeah! I mean I do have a fear of wiping out so I’m gonna be clutching hella hard.” Having your own bike was too nerve-wracking for you, so you settled for riding with someone, but the fear was still there.

“Don’t worry,” Angel lifted your chin and then stole a cookie from the plate. “I wouldn’t mind your arms wrapped around me.”

Your cheeks heated up. Every now and then Angel would make these types of comments, leaving you in a ditzy state. You have to convince yourself that that’s just how he is. From his interviews you could tell Angel was naturally flirtatious and charismatic.

Clearing your throat, you decided to change the subject. “So, what are you doing up this late? Don’t you have a game to rest for?”

Angel scratched the back of his head and knelt down to start working on his bike again. “Yeah, it’s just,” Angel threw his head back and let out a deep exhale. “What if I’m not ready? What if my knee gives out?”

Your heart cried out for Angel. Setting down the plate, you crouched down next to Angel and lifted his chin. “It won’t. I cleared you, the team doctor cleared you, and Coach Losa cleared you. You gotta trust the process, you gotta trust yourself.”

Angel tucked some stray hair behind your ear. “You’re amazing you know that, right? Practically a saint. Saint Y/N.”

“Oh no no no. I’m far from a saint.”

“Oh, so you’re one of them girls?” Angel arched his eyebrows suggestively.

You swatted Angel’s hands away. “No, I am not! I’m a good girl.”

Angel’s chocolate eyes darkened as his voice got deeper. “I know you’re a good girl.”

Your thighs clenched at his words. Now all you could think about is Angel on top of you calling you a good girl while he’s giving you that pipe.

“Anyway, why are you over here so late? Don’t you have a roster of men to be hitting up and making to take you out?” Angel knew you were single or at least he hoped you were. Every weekend you were here or with your parents and unlike everyone else your nose wasn’t stuck in your phone.

“Boy, I am single as Pringle.”

“Why?” Angel just had to know. You were too perfect not to be worshipped.

“Umm,” your phone buzzed, and you pulled it out to see a text from Rio. Smiling you texted him back and put your phone away. “I guess I just haven’t found the one, as corny as it sounds.”

He shouldn’t pry. It’s none of his damn business, but it was eating up at him as soon as he saw you smiling into your phone. “Who was that?”

“Oh, just Rio.” You threw out like nothing.

Of all the names, Angel didn’t expect that one. Turning away from you, Angel continued working on his bike, giving you the cold shoulder. “It’s getting late. You should go to bed and talk to Rio.”

The switch up was dizzying. One moment Angel was warm and soft and the next he was cold and hard. You just knew that it was best to leave him to sort out his feelings alone. “Well, I leave the cookies there if you want some more. Good night,” you said softly, feeling hurt.

When Angel heard the door closed, he kicked his toolbox across the room. Leave it to him to hurt the one person whose been by his side the whole time. “Way to go, Reyes.” Angel palmed his forehead, already thinking of a way to apologize.

Angel’s first game back was nerve wracking. He was playing safe, not trusting his knee fully. If he didn’t get it together right now his team would lose and be out the playoffs. “Hermosa, you gotta talk to him.” Bishop pleaded with you.

Hopping down from the stands you sat next to Angel on the bench. Feeling you next to him, Angel slid down to get away from you, but you just followed him to the end of the bench. “You go any further and you’re gonna end up on your ass.”

“Can’t you take a hint and go away?”

“Aww, someone’s cranky.” You pinched Angel’s cheek and he slapped your hands away. “Don’t be doing that shit on national tv.” Flicking his ear, you whispered in it. “Then stop acting like a fucking baby and do what needs to be done.”

Angel storms off from the bench and goes to the water cooler hoping to shake you, but you followed him anyway. “God, you’re like a fucking fly. So damn annoying.” Coco, Angel’s teammate and best friend was drinking his water when he heard Angel. He was about to defend you, but you held up your hand letting him know you got it.

Slapping the cup of water out of Angel’s hand you got in his space. “I’m not here to fucking coddle you, Reyes. I’m here to push you. You’re not a loser and I’m damn sure not a loser. So, what are you gonna do? Prove everyone else right and let your career go down in the drain or make the biggest comeback ever?”

The whistle blew signaling it was time for Angel to get back on the field. Angel kissed your cheek and snapped his helmet back on, running backwards to the field. “You know if the physical therapy thing doesn’t work out, you should ask coach about joining the coaching staff.” Rolling your eyes you flipped him the bird and he just laughed.

Bishop came up to you and put a headset on you. “Not the pep talk I was expecting, but it got the job done.” You nudge his shoulder and watched the team get a down. “What can I say? My mama ain’t raise no bitch.”

Bishop chuckled as the two of you watch Angel get the most yards he has in the entire game, making victory that much closer. He turned around and hugged you. “And maybe Angel is right. I might need you on my coaching staff.”

“Let’s get this W first and then we can talk about my salary.” You nudged Bishop’s shoulder.

There were 30 yards and one down left. They really needed a Hail Mary.

The whistle blew and for a moment you thought that Coco was about to get sacked, but the ball left his hands before they got to him. It was over. Coco overthrew the ball, there was no way Angel could catch it. You couldn’t watch this, it was making you too anxious. But then you heard the screams and you removed your fingers from your face. Angel caught the ball! He caught the freaking ball and was almost at the endzone with no one behind.

“AND THAT’S GAME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” The announcer informed over the intercom. “ANGEL REYES MAKES THE COMEBACK OF THE YEAR AND LEADS HIS TEAM TO THE GAME WINNING TOUCHDOWN AND TO THE PLAYOFFFS!”

Caught up in the commotion you were jumping around with the team on the sidelines, but suddenly you were lifted off the ground. “Oh my god, we did it!” Angel spun you around. “Don’t you mean you did it?” You giggled as Angel set you down on your feet. “Nah, mi dulce, we did it. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.” Angel kissed you on the cheek, but then he was pulled away for a post-game interview.

Gilly came up to you and wrapped his sweaty arm around your shoulder. “Get ready?”

“For what?” You arched an eyebrow at him. “To become the hottest commodity in sports history.” Then he left to join his teammates, leaving you to contemplate the next step of your career.

After the game, Angel made you go out and celebrate with the team. He claimed you were just as important to their success, even though you insisted you had nothing to do with it.

Man, these dudes can drink. “Slow down, Angel. Its not off-season.” You took his beer and finished it for him. Angel just sat back and smiled at you. “You’re right, let’s go.”

“Let me go to the restroom real quick.” You hopped up and ran to the ladies’ room. His friends gave him knowing smirks. “Cut it out.” He pointed to them.

“Nah, its not like that. We’re proud of you ‘mano. She’s a good one.” Coco smiled as you came back up to the VIP section.  

Angel couldn’t keep his eyes off of you as you came up the stairs. The heels made your legs seem longer, the shorts made your ass look extra delectable, and the crop top bralette made it hard for him to keep his eyes off your cleavage. “Ready?”

“Yeah, lets go querida.” Angel took your hand and led you down the stairs to the rideshare pickup spot.

“You ordered the Uber yet?”

“Nah, I got something better.” He led you a couple of feet down to his motorcycle. “For real?” You squealed. “Yeah, I thought we go get some ice cream and then I’ll take you for a ride.”

Jumping up and down, you hugged Angel and kissed his cheek. “Oh my god, thank you! You’re the best!” Angel snapped the extra helmet on your head. “It’s the least you deserve. C’mon, hop on.”

Giddily you got on behind Angel, but you were tentative about wrapping your arms around him tightly. Already being pressed up against him was tantalizing enough. “You’re really gonna fall off if you hold onto me like that. Hold on tighter.” At his insistence, you followed his directions. “Good girl.” He said as he revved up his bike.

It was everything you wanted and more. The wind wiping through your hair, the zipping in and out of lanes, and the vibration of the bike underneath you.

Once, Angel got the ice cream, he took you to his favorite spot in the city. It was the biggest hill overlooking the city and also a well-known makeout spot for kids.

“Cloud 9, huh?” You lifted your eyebrow to him as you went to sit on the big rock out there. “Don’t think you’re gonna get lucky mister.” Angel chuckled and lifted his hands in surrender. “Never. My attentions are pure. Its all in my name.”

Kissing your teeth, you lightly shoved him. “Boy, you are far from an Angel according to the blogs.”

“What do the blogs say?” He asked lowly, taking his ice cream cup from you. “According to them you are exceptionally blessed and your tongue isn’t just used for talking.” Angel had a shit-eating grin, but you just had to wipe it off his face. “But I think its all bullshit.” You smiled at his dropped jaw and wiggled in your seat to celebrate for catching him off-guard.

Angel invaded your space and whispered against your skin. “You could always find out for yourself.” Nervously, you began laughing and mushed Angel in his face. He had to be joking.

Sensing your uneasiness, Angel changed the topic. “So, all this time together and I’ve never asked you how you got into physical therapy.”

“Oh, easy! My dad was a war vet and on his last tour he got seriously injured. Man, when I found out I buried my head in books looking for a treatment plan. His PT asked me more than once if I wanted his job. And the rest was history and now I’m working at the VA.”

“Wow, you sure you’re not the angel?” Could you get any better, he thought. Opposite of Adelita, your kindness didn’t come with stipulations. You gave with expecting nothing in return.  

“Mmm, maybe,” you stretched out your body and yawned. “Sleepy, cariño?” He brushed back some of your hair. “Noooo,” you yawned out.

Angel took your ice cream cup and threw it in the trash. “Yes, you are, sleepyhead. Let’s go home.” You allowed Angel to move your body however he pleased. The tiredness was already seeping throughout your body. “Hold on tight. I’ll have us home in no time.”

Racing down the street Angel got you home quickly, though you weren’t as tired as you were earlier. The wind whipping you in the face woke you up some more.

“Thank you for tonight, Angel. Everything was perfect.” You didn’t know if it was the sleepiness, the alcohol, or just the heat of the moment, but whatever it was it led you to kiss Angel. It only lasted for a couple of seconds but as soon as you tried to back away he pulled you back in for a much longer, much more passionate kiss. “Come to bed with me,” he sorta asked, sorta ordered you once he let you up for air.

You nodded at him and he picked you up. “Angel, put me down! You’re gonna hurt yourself going up these stairs while carrying me.” Angel stopped mid-stride and tilted your chin to get a good look at you. “I don’t know what type of dudes you messed with before, but I ain’t them. I can handle of this,” he smacked your backside making you yelp. “Entiendes?”

“Mmhmm,” you nodded, nuzzling your face in his neck. Angel finished his trek to his room and laid you on his bed. Leaning back on you elbows, you appreciated Angel’s look for the night. He wore a simple black tee with ripped black jeans, but the pièce de resistance was his chain. There was something about it that made you hungrier for him. “Keep the chain on,” you meekly ordered him while he was taking off his clothes.

The corner of his mouth quirked up as he crawled over your body. “Yeah? You like it?” You nodded your head and bent down to kiss you while his hands slithered to your shorts to undo them. His fingers slid down your panties and right into your weeping core. “Shit, this all for me baby?”

“Yesss,” you mewled, your legs already thrashing against the bed. “How long has it been, querida? It’s a struggle to get two fingers in.”

You shook your head no, too embarrassed to tell him the truth. “Tell me.” He nipped at your chin. “Or you don’t get to cum and I wanna make you cum, pretty baby.” Angel stopped his fingers, even though he desperately wanted to continue.

“Please Angel,” you ran your fingers up and down his back. “Nah, baby. You gotta tell me first,” he kissed your pulse point. “Alright, you huffed, “three years.”

“See it wasn’t that hard.” Angel began his ministrations again. “We got three years to make up for.” The rough pad of his thumb found your clit and he began rubbing little circles.

“Angel.” You cried out and held onto his wrist. “God, you’re beautiful. You think you can handle another finger?”

It slipped out before you noticed. “Yes daddy.” Angel eyes darkened and he crashed his lips into yours, swallowing your cries. “Fuck, you’re gripping me so tight. Daddy’s gonna fuck this little pussy up.”

The delicious stretch from his fingers and the never ending assault on your clit had you on cloud nine. “Daddy, I’m gonna cum,” you whimpered, circling your hips. “Cum then.” Angel pressed all three fingers against your walls, triggering a white hit explosion you never felt in your entire life.

“Suck ‘em.” Angel tapped his fingers against your lips. Opening them up, you took them in your mouth catching a hint of metal due to his rings. You swore you tasted better on his fingers than on yours.

“Take off your top.” As you did what Angel said, he slid your shorts and panties off.  While he took off your heels, he kissed the inside of your ankle. “I can’t wait to have this dangling in the air.” He fingered your anklet.

Pushing your knees to your chest, Angel slid down your body. He took a deep inhale of your pussy, committing your scent to memory.

The first lick was a little tentative, like he was sampling the goods first . But after a couple more swipes, he had your whole clit in his mouth making you go crazy. “Mi dulce, you just became my favorite meal.”

The combination of Angel’s tongue on your bundle of nerves and his fingers sliding in and out of you was maddening. “Oh no, not another one.” You said to no one in particular. Angel chuckled with your clit still in his mouth. “Oh yes, another one.”

Grabbing onto his raven locks, you tried to pull him up, but he hunkered down instead, Angel wrapped his hands around your hips and pinned you down, diving deeper into your folds. “Fuck Angel! I’m I’m I’m,” it felt like a dam broke as your orgasm overcame you.

Then the damn demon wouldn’t let you go. Angel continued to eat you out even though you already came and was beating down on his back.

Finally Angel came back up for some air and the sight before you was beautiful. His beard was glistening all because of you. Your essence was dripping all over his beard.

“Give me a taste, daddy.” You ordered Angel, crooking your finger. “As you wish.” Angel came up and kissed you. Your tongue swiped at the seam of his mouth. Angel complied with your silent order and opened his mouth, where you and him fought for dominance.

Keeping Angel focused, your hands traveled to his boxers, setting his dick free. “Oh my!” Just from the feel of it, you could tell Angel was hung. Guess those blogs were right. “Are you gonna fit, daddy?”

Angel laughed and reached out for a condom. Slipping on the condom, Angel tapped his dick against your clique. “Ohh, he’s gonna fit.”

Feeling confident that he gathered enough lubrication to slide in. “Fuck, mami, you’re tight.” Angel bent down to swallow your whimpers. As hard as it was for him not to cum, the pain had to be worse for you.

“I’m not hurting you, am I baby?” Angel didn’t dare to begin to move once he was fully seated. “No. I need you to give it to me, Angel.”

Angel pecked your lips and sat up on his arms with his hands on your hips. “This pussy is mines now! You ain’t going nowhere after this.”

He began brutally snapping his hips into yours while singing your praises. ‘Cum on my cock, pretty baby.’ ‘You make the cutest sounds while I’m beating this pretty pussy up.’ ‘You look so beautiful coming on my dick.’

Angel intertwined his fingers with yours and nipped at your lips. “Angel please let me cum.” He took your bottom lip and dragged it it in between his teeth.   “Not until you tell me whose pussy this is.”

“Mines,” you gasped as he hit a new spot. “I knew there was a little brat in there.” Angel wrapped his free hand around your throat. His cool rings starkly contrasted the heat emitting from your body. “You like that shit, huh?” Angel commented when he felt you clench around him after he put his hand on your neck.

“Whose. Pussy. Is. This?” Angel growled, punctuating each word with a harsh thrust. “Damn it, yours Angel! It’s all yours!” You scratched down his back.

“Damn right it is,” he bit on your shoulder. “Cum on daddy’s dick, pretty girl.”

Throwing your head back, arching your back you let the orgasm wash over you. “Angel,” you screamed clutching onto him. “I’m right here, baby.” He kissed you all over face, letting you know he was right there with you.

“Shit,” Angel groaned, his strokes began to get sloppy. “I’m gonna cum, baby. Where do you want it?”

“In my mouth.” You just had to get a taste of him, especially since he already knew what you tasted like.

Quickly both of you got off the bed. You on your knees and Angel hovering over you. Throwing the condom off, he began stroking his veiny masterpiece he called a dick. “You’re gonna look so pretty with my cum all over your face.” Angel stroked your cheek lovingly like he wasn’t just about to paint your face with his load.

Out of nowhere, you got jealous of Angel’s hand and instead of letting him jerk himself off to completion, you wrapped your mouth around his dick. “Oh shit,” Angel moaned, throwing his head back. “Keep sucking Daddy’s dick like that.” He buried his hands in your hair as he tried his hardest not to fuck your face.

“Aww fuck, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, shit!” Angel exploded in your mouth, making you take every drop. But you didn’t stop after that, you kept sucking and swiping across his tip. Angel had to push your head back to get you to stop. “Think that’s funny?”

Wiping the corners of your mouth you smiled up at him. “Yeah.”

“Nasty bitch,” Angel pulled you up by the hair and kissed you, loving the taste of himself on your tongue. “So, did I live up to the blogs?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. I need to conduct further research.” Angel pushed you back onto the bed. “That can be arranged.” He smiled as he climbed back on top of you to ensure he blew past your expectations.

Tagging: @ourlittlesecretsoveragain​ @starrynite7114​ @sambucky8​ @mygirlrenee​ @richonne4life​ @readsalot73​ @chaneajoyyy​ @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat​ @jassydwill11​ @otomefromtheheart​ @miss-nori85​ @xsweetdellzx​ @cherryblossomgirl20 @ljstraightnochaser​ @my-rosegold-soul​ @angrythingstarlight​ @brattyfics​ @lovebennycolon​ @langiinspirations​ @chibsytelford​ @trulysuccubus​ @spookys-girl​ @sesamepancakes​ @brownsugarcoffy​ @thesandbeneathmytoes​ @fvckthisbxtchup​ @theartisticqueen​ @vsfavs​ @woahitslucyylu​ @angelreyesgirl​ @blessedboo​ @marvelmaree​ @ifoundmyhappythought​

[whindsor]

the trials of online dating, pt 1

so @witchofinterest asked about mika and bucky meeting online, as is alluded to in the first episode of falcon and winter soldier, and, well...here’s part one oops!

After hours of research and thought and more research and more thought, Bucky decided HiLove was the best option. The general consensus on the forums was that people were looking for something more than a hookup, and it was an app that only allowed those identifying as female or non-binary to send the first message after a reciprocating match. The very, very small part of him that remained in 1943 balked at this, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. His entire past was a quick Google search away; his potential matches deserved to know, and he didn’t want to feel the sting of rejection if they found out the hard way. A win-win.

At least, as much of a win as an ex-hydra-super-soldier was going to get.

It was all Dr. Raynor’s idea, and it wasn’t his favorite, but he was willing to jump through the hoops and say all the right things so that he could be done with this probationary period and move on with his life.

He did his best filling out the profile. Age? 106. Interests? Well he couldn’t very well put knives and psychotherapy, so instead he put hiking, technology, and reading. Job? That was easy. Former military. He didn’t need to put that he originally got drafted in the 40s, and spent the last however many years as the fist of a rogue military organization; that would be part of the Google search. He put his real name, because Dr. Raynor made him, and clicked okay. He’d been avoiding this for weeks now, and if he didn’t at least have it up whenever he saw her later that day, she would write in that stupid notebook like those scientists used to.

This was a terrible idea.

This was the worst idea.

Somehow the goddamn push notifications got turned on, and within the hour the app started going off. He eyed his phone for the first few minutes before giving in a swiping it open.

Mistake number two.

A woman in her 50s messaged him, and apparently he had to swipe a certain way to see this message. Once he saw the message - and the photos attached to it - he nearly threw his phone against the wall. Back when he last dated, in 1943, he thought he appreciated a bold woman. Bold by today’s standards was a little more than he was ready for.

He was afraid to open the app after that, and so he just let his phone sit and buzz while he watched the EuroCup matches and counted down the minutes until his appointment. There were other things he could do to occupy his time, like visit the sushi shop or the library. But that seemed overwhelming, so instead he sat on the floor and watched his games until it was finally time to go into the clinic.

“So, James,” Dr. Raynor started, crossing her legs and pretending to be casual. Bucky sat with his hands clasped, his knee bouncing as he readied himself for the interrogation. Or therapy, as they called it. “Anything new to report today?”

“Well, I tried that dating app thing you told me to do,” he said. If he started with this, then maybe he could take up enough of the time with the bullshit and avoid having to talk about stupid stuff, like what he thought about during his panic attacks or whether his arm still hurt. The look on Dr. Raynor’s face said she didn’t believe him.

“Oh yea? Which one?” she asked, her voice just as convincing as her face.

“HiLove. Seemed the best option,” Bucky said, hoping that was the right answer. She raised her eyebrows.

“Well, it wasn’t a bad move,” she said. “Any matches so far?”

He allowed one bark of a laugh before schooling his features again. “One woman, uh, wanted my appraisal of her physical appearance.”

“She sent you a nude.”

“She - what?”

“She sent you a nude. A nudie, a dirty picture, a-“

“Yea, yea, I get it,” he interrupted, not wanting to beat the dead horse. “Yea, she sent me ‘a nude’.”

“Any others?”

“Any others what?”

“Don’t be stupid,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Did any other women send messages? Or nudes?”

“I don’t know, I stopped looking after the first one,” he said. Oftentimes he lied to Dr. Raynor, but this time he could be truthful. She sighed, holding her hand out and beckoning with her fingers. He pulled his phone from his back pocket and handed it over, watching as she easily keyed in his passcode. Casual security breach. That was fine. That totally wasn’t something that kept him up at night.

“Oh Jesus Christ,” she muttered, expertly swiping through the notifications. She moved a little too easily, as if she were familiar with the app. He decided not to comment on that. “Alright, James, we gotta filter some of the shit outta here.”

“I’d prefer to filter all the shit, but that’s just me,” he said. This was a stupid exercise, but at least it was manageable, and it would keep her occupied for a while.

“Too young, too young, way too young…” Was Dr. Raynor talking to herself or to him? It didn’t matter. She kept swiping. “Chaser, chaser, catfish…ah, here’s a good one.” She opened the profile and handed it over to him.

“She’s also way too young,” he said, looking at the picture of a beautiful woman. Dark hair, dark eyes, bright smile…someone that definitely would catch his eye, if he didn’t feel the weight of his past keeping his head down.

“She’s thirty-three.”

“That’s, like, a third of my age.”

“Well, if we discount all the times you were in ice, really you’re somewhere in the thirty-five to thirty-seven range. That’s not a bad gap.”

He glared up at her for a moment before going back to the profile. He furrowed his brows as he read further. “She’s Romanian.”

“Ah, you finally noticed that, did you?” she said, and he could hear the gloating in her voice. “What, is she not your type?”

“I don’t think I have a type anymore.”

“Then swipe and see what happens.”

“I don’t know, Doc,” he said, shaking his head. This was not how it was supposed to go.

“Don’t know what?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. He shrugged, looking off to the side. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her slide the notebook off the table.

“Oh, c’mon, Doc, that’s not notebook worthy,” he said. She paused her pen, but still tapped it threateningly against the paper.

“Then tell me what you ‘don’t know’ about matching with that woman,” she said.

“I haven’t been on a date in eighty years, I think a little trepidation is normal even without the shit I’ve dealt with between now and then,” he said. “It just doesn’t feel right going into something without…without the other person knowing the full story.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you a virgin, James?”

“No.” What did that have anything to do with it? “Why?”

“Just making sure I have the full story,” she said. “So you don’t want to chance anything cause they don’t know everything about you.”

“Well…”

“Counterpoint: do you know everything about her?”

He gave her an annoyed look, the matching sensation bubbling behind his sternum. “It’s not the same, and you know it.”

She sighed again, scribbling something down. Inside, he wanted to rip the notebook from her hands. On the outside, he just glanced down at his phone. The screen had darkened from lack of activity, and he tapped it to wake up again. The same pretty woman smiled up at him, the little pink bar waiting for him to confirm or deny their connection.

“Want me to do it for you?” Dr. Raynor asked, her pen now still. “Cause I will.”

“I can do it, thank you,” he said. “I just don’t know if I want to.”

“Bullshit, James,” she said. “She’s a pretty girl, and it’s online. You can ghost her if you get too scared. It’s an asshole move, but technically it’s an option.”

He’s a ghost story.

“I’m not gonna do that to anyone,” he said.

“What, ghost them? Or burden them?” she asked, leaning forward and resting her elbow on her knee.

“Either. Both.” Again, with the honesty. Idiot move.

“James, listen,” she said, making him look up at her. Her tone was gentle - at least, Dr. Raynor version of gentle. “Everyone has baggage. You’ve gotta start unloading some, or you’re gonna end up getting crushed by it. The worst has already happened to you. Sometimes, if you want the good stuff, you have to go out and get it.”

Bucky stared down at the phone, wishing that it was just the jitters that he felt instead of a cold stone of dread. The worst had already happened to him, a thousand times over. Would rejection feel like nothing, or would it break him?

Well, Dr. Raynor was right. He wouldn’t know unless he tried.

“Alright, Mika Corsof,” he said, swiping the pink arrow. “Let’s see what happens.”

[fighterkimburgess]

Very gratified to see your comments regarding Burgess’s survival. I know what I believe, but it helps in those beliefs to see them articulated elsewhere.

It makes no narrative sense for them to build up her story throughout the season and then just end it abruptly. Particularly in the fact that she has arguably had some of the richest character growth and development in the show (maybe even the most, but I’m biased). Especially with an adoptive daughter that has already survived trauma. Plus the fact in which they portrayed her actively fighting to stay alive—for her to survive for her family to find her, (a self-rescue) then to show her not making it in the hospital. (Captain Obvious, I know.)

Even with the rambling commentary above, there is a question to this ask. What do you see for her in Season 9? I see a great deal of PTSD from this and maybe even cumulatively from what she’s gone through, as well as her physical recovery. I also see her dealing with it in typical Burgess fashion. Keeping it all in, trying to take care of it herself, while maybe even pushing everyone else, except Makayla away. There might be a good come-to-Jesus-talk in her future, either from a certain flannel-wearing Canaryville resident, her surrogate mom, an ex-patrol partner, or even extremely tough love from Voight.

Would you foresee the CPD trying to force her into a disability retirement, and her fighting it, or thinking about it for Makayla’s sake?

Ramble finished.

I can't see them forcing her into disability retirement. I can see it being mentioned several times, but I can't see it happening.

I think this is going to make Kim realise she has to rely on her people. Ever since Blair's death (and arguably ever since she ended the engagement with Adam, tbh!) she's dealt with nearly everything alone. Ending things with Matt, Blair's death, the miscarriage, fostering Makayla. She made all of the decisions herself, and while she did go asking for advice (generally from Adam because she knows deep down he's her person) she still did it herself. Even when her sister's rape happened, she didn't let her unit do anything outside of work the case, and she went to be the strong one for them. Kim only knows how to be the strong one. She doesn't want or accept sympathy, and she detests pity.

But in 8x13 she had to rely on Adam for Makayla's sake, and I think that's a bit of an insight into how her thoughts were changing. Before when it was just her she could be a lone wolf. But now she has a child to look out for she had to rely on someone, pick someone she'd trust with the most precious thing she has. So she picked her ex fiancé and the man she was going to have a child with.

With how perfectly foreshadowed everything was in s8 - Hailey's clothes saying she loved Jay, Kim wearing the same coat from the miscarriage to when they found Makayla to when she was nearly shot in 8x13, to the shot in her jacket matching where she was shot in 8x16 - I can't see that as being just a throwaway. She was telling Adam she trusts him to let him into their lives, and for her to not be as alone. And what I really hope is that she'll use trusting him with Makayla as a start for her to trust him with herself now.

Also therapy. Lots and lots and lots of therapy. For her, for Adam, for Kev and Jay (because honestly if Jay's PTSD isn't triggered by having to pick up the bloodied and lifeless body of someone he's close to and spends so many hours a week with I'll be shocked). ALL THE THERAPY FOR HAILEY OH MY GOD JUST BOOK THE WOMAN TWO WEEKS SOLID PLEASE.

I can nearly see an intervention for Kim somewhere around episode 6-8. She's back in work, to the outside world she's fine. But Adam, Kev, Trudy (and possibly Voight although tbh I'm gonna be surprised if he's not arrested and jailed in the first few episodes of the season) actually talking to her about it. And the one way I think they'll get through to her is to tell her if she's not willing to do it for herself, do it for Makayla. We've seen the lengths Kim would go to for that girl before she even fostered her - she'll do anything for her now Makayla is a Burgess.

[petri808]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30-Epilogue

*TW: cutting, therapy, break down. a little longer then usual at 2500 words

The therapist greeted the couple as they walked in and sat down on the couch. “Thank you for allowing Natsu to sit in today, Lucy. I don’t want you to think of this as a couples counseling per se, because you’re still my primary client. But I feel that him being here to understand your struggles, as well as his, and being able to express them in a safe environment, will help in your healing process. And thank you Natsu for agreeing to this.”

He sat forward a bit, ready to engage. “Anything to help Lucy.”

“I’d like to start with your homework Lucy, has there been any progress in trying to write out your feelings? Remember, it’s okay if you’re still struggling with that, there’s no judgment here.”

“Not... really...” Lucy fidgeted with the hem of her sweatshirt. “Every time I try to, I-I get too... I start to cry, and the panic rises— I fail at it every single damn time and that makes me feel even worse.”

“You’re not failing. Let’s reword that to struggling and recognize that simply making an attempt is the first step, a very important one to be proud of.”

“Maybe I was just kidding myself all along about writing. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t any good in the first place. It was all in my head.” Lucy could see the frown on Natsu’s face from her words, but that’s how she feels now. There was a time she thought she was a decent writer, maybe not publishing quality yet, but she truly enjoyed it regardless and now, a blank page is all she could muster.

“Natsu,” the therapist directs her question to the man. “It seems you’re unhappy with her statement. Would you say that Lucy’s a good writer? Honest answer.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged, “I mean I’m no expert, but the stuff I’ve seen is pretty good. I definitely couldn’t pull them off.”

“Lucy would you call Natsu a liar?”

The blonde paused, annoyed and offended. She wanted to say yes, only because she didn’t want to agree, but then it wouldn’t be true. Natsu was giving his honest opinion and she couldn’t deny it. “No,” Lucy breathed out. “Look I get it. You’re trying to tell me it’s all in my head, right? It’s just the pain talking, and I’ll get better, and I’ll get back into writing just like before.” Anger had slowly begun to prickle the hairs on the back of her neck the longer she clung to the dissociation. “I-I’m not an idiot! I know this is all stupid shit in my brain! I just can’t stop it!”

“I’m sorry, I pushed you too hard, let’s go back a step here. No one is saying you’re an idiot. On the contrary, you’re very intelligent. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be recognizing that it’s all in your head, and that recognition is how the healing starts. My role, today with Natsu’s help, is to bring that to the forefront. Bring it out into the open, because sometimes hearing it out loud has a different effect on how we process the information.”

“I don’t get it...”

The woman sat back in her chair in thought for a brief second. “When we think about things just in our head, versus saying it out loud, it triggers different parts of our brain. What studies have found is that talking out loud stimulates... rational... erm, reality I guess is a better term. It becomes more real to us.”

“Huh.” So, what, Lucy rolled her eyes at the suggestion. True or not, she didn’t want to agree, because her mind was still in such a strong state of denial. “I still don’t accept it. It sounds stupid.” Maybe it was just her annoyance talking, but the therapist was getting on her nerves. Lucy knew the woman was just trying to help, but her irrational side didn’t want to deal with any of this. The pain sucked, but so did the treatment. She just wanted to stay in her room, in the dark, away from prying eyes. Surprisingly to Lucy, the therapist didn’t even flinch and the gleam in the woman’s eyes almost looked sadistic in that moment.

“Lucy, I know you know it’s not stupid. That’s just your mind imagining the wrong things, which is why you need to talk about it out loud, so you can hear yourself and how wrong it all sounds.”

Ugh! She was so tired of being told what she is, what she should be thinking, and the condescending tone she wrongly assumed from the therapist triggered an explosion. All the anger she felt about herself was transferred to the therapist in an instant. “I’m wrong?!” Lucy jumped to her feet, her anger crackling through. “No shit! Lady, I’m fucked up!! You want me to talk? Fine! I hate this! I hate everything! It’s all falling the fuck apart and I feel like I’ve been tied to the damn train tracks! Everything I’ve worked so hard for is slipping away! Three years of college being washed down the drain! How the fuck do I catch up now?! I’m so behind! AARRRGHH!!! I-I don’t even wanna get out of bed anymore! I hate myself— hate what I’ve become a-and that makes me even more fucking depressed! And my friends...” Lucy dropped back onto the couch as her shaking hands flew up to cover her face and the dam of tears finally broke loose in a cascade down her cheeks. She cried long, and deep for several minutes, chest heaving and inconsolable.

In that moment, Natsu sat frozen, his eyes swinging back and forth to the therapist and his girlfriend unsure of what to do. Should he move to comfort Lucy? The therapists inaction seemed to suggest the answer was no. It made him furious, yet... she was the professional... before he could make a decision, Lucy finally uncovered her face and look dead at her therapist. Almost forgetting him all together.

“My friends, seeing the looks on their faces...” Lucy dug her fingers into the fabric of her pants in an effort to ground her unraveling mind. “It hurts so fucking much! I must be getting on Levy’s nerves, she didn’t sign up to be my nurse, a-and Natsu, he’ll surely get tired of a basket-case of a girlfriend. I can’t blame him if he left me, I’d leave me too. It’s all just falling apart—” Her chest heaved in a heavy sigh. “I can’t see a way out anymore.”

Seeing the whites of Lucy’s knuckles the harder she clenched onto her leg and seeing the heavy breathing similar to that night in the ambulance. Natsu feared that Lucy was heading towards a panic attack. Wanting to reassure her, Natsu reacted this time and reached up from his seat, quickly grabbing her arm to gain her attention. “Lucy, I’m not—.”

But Lucy screamed and yanked her arm back, face grimacing in pain. “Tsss—Owww!!”

“leavi—” Natsu pulled back immediately. “Oh, shit! I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! Did I grab you too hard?!” He didn’t think so, but based on her reaction, maybe he had.

“N-No,” she cradled her arm, turning to shield it from him. “You didn’t, I’m fine, it just caught me by surprise.” Lucy quickly brushed it off for fear of requiring an explanation. “Really. S-Sorry, I-I’m probably just too flustered.”

But that explanation didn’t satisfy Natsu. Lucy’s yelp was clearly pain related if buttressed by the fact she continued to hide it. “You’re lying to me,” he reached out, “I’m not mad, just please tell me the truth because it’s obvious there’s something wrong with your arm.”

“N-No, I’m not,” she tried to act like it was true. “See,” she waved it as if showing it was fine. “Nothing’s wrong...” till she accidentally hit it again and flinched, biting her lip just in time to stifle a scream. But she knew in an instant that she’d been caught.

His eyes and tone softened in an effort to lower her inhibitions. “Yes, there is.” Natsu took her arm and started to pull up on the sleeve of her sweater.

Lucy instinctively turned her head away. She didn’t want to see his reaction to the bandage around her arm. Even when he continued to speak, questioned what was underneath it, she answered in one worded responses without looking. But at his gasping sound, her eyes closed in shame. She could see what he saw all from behind her eyelids, all the horizontal cuts running across her left arm. The red, angry lines in varying stages of healing. She kept most of it grouped around the middle of her arm between the wrist and elbow crook. At first, she’d tried what that EMT had done, merely jabbing her arm with a pen or digging her nails into the skin. But it wasn’t enough, so she’d moved onto cutting. It had started out small, just a couple of lines were enough to silence the horrid voices in her head, but like a junky’s tolerance, Lucy had to keep cutting, more and more, deeper, just to feel the same numbing results.

“Is this what I think it is?” Natsu’s shaky voice questioned with moisture filling his eyes. “Oh, Lucy, why didn’t you tell me it was this bad.” Now he knew why she’d started wearing long sleeves even when the weather was warm.

“I’m sorry... I didn’t want anyone to know... but it was the only thing making the voices stop.”

Without another word, Natsu pulled a surprised Lucy into a tight hug, tears of his own spilling. “No, I’m sorry, it’s my fault this is happening to you. I should have dealt with Touka long ago. I should have protected you better. This is on me, but Lucy I’m never gonna let you go, I won’t ever leave you because of this. We’re gonna get through this together. I swear on my life, we’re gonna get through this together. Do you believe me?? Please, tell me you believe me?”

“I do...” she did. The man wore his heart on his sleeve. It was a trait Lucy found most endearing, so how could her heart not accept his words? They sat there in an embrace while time stood still, and a small measure of relief fell over her. It wasn’t much, but it was a glimmer of hope, an ember, and one she hadn’t felt in a long time. This man who’d caged her on that train and captured her heart, she could easily pin all of her pain onto him, but he could also be her salvation. His strong arms wrapped around her broken frame made the scary world fall away, to remind her how much more she yearned to stay within it.

Once he felt Lucy’s body relax, Natsu pulled back, wiping away her tears as well as his own. “Is this the only area?” He gestured at her arm without judgment. And when she nodded, he let out a sigh of relief.

Now that the moment was waning, the therapist who’d been waiting patiently and observing spoke up. She offered the anxiety medications again to Lucy and with Natsu’s gentle coaxing, the blonde finally agreed to it. It couldn’t hurt right? If they didn’t work, she’ll just stop taking them. She didn’t want to see the anguish in Natsu’s eyes anymore, especially now that she realized how much he was internalizing and struggling alone with. He was in just as much pain as she was, so it was time they both do what they could to heal, together.

As they were about to leave, Natsu paused and questioned the doctor. “I have a question. I just realized, even though today was a big episode... Lucy didn’t have a panic attack. Why is that?”

The blonde looked at her boyfriend before her eyes landed on the therapist with an expectancy of an answer. She hadn’t realized that either. Shouldn’t her outburst have triggered one?

“I’m glad you asked,” the woman smiled. “Panic attacks are often triggered by suppression. When you’re trying to hold in your emotions, refusing to let it go, and not show it, but today Lucy let it out. She didn’t hold back so there was no need for her body to react physiologically.” She reached out and placed a gentle hand on Lucy’s shoulder. “Sometimes a good cry and scream goes a long way. Please remember that.”

It was quiet on the taxi ride back to Lucy’s apartment. Not an uncomfortable silence, but maybe just enough had been said in the hour long therapy session that they both still needed time to process it all. Despite her breakthrough, she knew it was still a long battle ahead. The poor coping skills she’d latched onto now needed to be reversed, and frankly she didn’t know if she could do it alone. Of course, she could ask Levy... and the woman did deserve to hear the truth going on... but Lucy really didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on her best friend. Levy had done so much for her already and as much as she appreciated it, it also contributed to her emotional pain. She glanced down at her hand held so tightly by Natsu and wondered... no... The man was struggling as well, so to add hers into his mix, is that really fair? But by that same token, their pain was also a shared one. If there was anything to take away from the session is that perhaps it is together, they’ll better find the end of the rainbow.

Once they arrive at the building and get out of the taxi, Natsu started walking towards it. Lucy tugged back to stop him. “Lucy?”

“Before we go in...” her voice lowers, hesitancy brimming in her tone. “I have a question to ask.”

“Of course, anything.”

“I can’t—, don’t want to do this alone anymore. But I also don’t want to put that kind of burden on Levy.”

“Lucy,” he pulled her hand up, clasped between his palms to his lips where he kissed the fingers gently. “I will do whatever you need me to do.”

She sighed. “Can I move in with you? A-At least until I get control of the panic attacks and the... the thing?” Her eyes flit to her arm rather than say the words aloud. “I know this would intrude on Gray, but I would feel much safer.”

Natsu paused for a second in thought. “I don’t think Gray will mind. I certainly don’t.” He smiled. “We’ll be there for each other.”

“Are you sure? Because there’s still a few things I haven’t mentioned like nightmares. I-I don’t wanna freak you guys out.”

“A promise is a promise, and when I said I’ll do anything, I meant it. Will it be scary, probably, I’m not gonna lie, but I’m willing to do whatever I need to get us through this.”

Lucy’s eyes gloss over, but a tiny smile ticks up at the corners of her lips. “Thank you, Natsu.”

He smiled back, “I’m the one who should be thankful.”

“For what?”

“For not dumping me. As much you’d worried, I’d leave you, I was deathly afraid you’d leave me. I brought this on us, so I wouldn’t blame you from running away.”

“Oh, Natsu.” This time a true smile finally graced Lucy’s face. “I’m not going anywhere either.”

[dis--parity]

You can’t be blamed. ‘

Summary: Alex confronts her relationship with anger. Trigger warnings: Mentions of emotional abuse. Author notes: I wanted to get this out because of that ask Livi sent - so here it is!

Dedicated to Noji.

        “I... I think you’re gonna call this a bad relapse, doc.”

An admission of defeat, perhaps, is the best way imaginable to start a good therapy session - no less one called ahead of schedule. But, since the very beginning, crisis assistance had been what Doctor Lehtosaahri had been called upon, and that’s what she was here for. Notepad in hand, the doctor simply replied with a lean forward and an expectant raise of the eyebrow.

“You should know I’m not disappointed, Alex,” she began. “Relapse is a vital part of recovery. It lets us explore those weak points that still remain in the work we’ve done together. You’ve made a lot of progress, even if like you were drinking tar - the arisal of a new issue simply means we’re getting closer to identifying those last few problems.”

She was right, of course - she was always right. It’s because of her that she was able to really understand social situations better, to fit back into adult life - yet she knew she wasn’t perfect. All she could do was strive to be better.

“So,”, the doctor hummed, clicking her pen in preparation to write. “What’s occurred, Alex?”

A long, deep sigh is all she begins with - head bowing down such that her gaze meets the floor. “I-... I had an episode. I’d... I don’t know what happened, but- but all my thoughts about-... about what happened in my childhood, y’know, they-.. they caught up with me again. Made me realise, I-... never really had one- well, I say realise, we’ve.. covered that. Just... reminded, even.”

The doctor’s pen scribbles across the paper with every word, bespectacled gaze astutely watching as she picked up a narwhal toy to hold. “Like I said, Alex - relapse happens. Then what happened? Did you apply your grounding techniques?”

“No. I-... I couldn’t. Because...” Her mouth drops into a shameful frown, one arm wrapping tightly around the stuffed animal she held prisoner now. “... a- a friend of mine walked in. Saw me like that, hysterical, and-....” A pause; a prompt for the doctor to push her along.

“Go on.”

"I- I just... I couldn’t control myself. I- they just wanted to help. But-... but they were there, and- and they reminded me of something I couldn’t be! A kid, y’know? And- and... fuck! I- I took it out on that poor kid... they didn’t deserve it, and-... and they got mad at me, and- and then I felt like shit about it! And-... and I feel like- like I’ve fucking-- ruined that now!”

Heavy breathing almost heralds the shedding of a tear from her - had they not already been spent at the time of the incident, mere days before. All that leaves the doctor is a gentle hum, pen gliding calmly across the paper as her patient struggled to correct her breathing. When - and only when she had settled down - would she deliver her footnote.

“... I-... I realised what I did. Wh- who I was becoming. I-... I don’t wanna be like him. I-.. fuck, I- I don’t wanna be as bad as my dad was!”

“Alex. Grounding techniques.” The ringing of the therapeutic bell bids her perform a small ritual for herself. Things are named, counted down, all under her breath - and before long, she finds herself in the mental place to try and listen again. Even as her vision grows concave around the shape of her therapists’ face, she listens.

“Now. I want to make this very clear - you can’t be blamed for reacting in the way you did. You grew up in an emotionally abusive household. Your father, we know how he is. All your life... you’ve only seen anger as a weapon. The fact that you’ve dealt with your father’s own unhealthy way of dealing with anger means you’ve grown up knowing it as an abusive, aggressive force. As something that’s bad. Are you following me so far?”

“Yeah... I- I get you.” Her voice is more meek now - though the fact that she responds so sharply is all the more indicative of how attentively she heeds her advice. “I- I... didn’t even know what it was at first. I- I didn’t realise it was anger until it was too late, I felt like-...”

“Trauma like what you’ve been through can damage how we identify our emotions. Detach us from them. I know it’s hard for you to think of anger as a safe or normal emotion. It gets even harder when what you’ve just described occurs; as something to feel towards another person. A person you love, perhaps. Your own fear of abandonment is what makes you repress any anger you feel towards others, or try to keep it down when you’re angry at yourself - until it culminates in what happened with your friend.”

“But, Alex. Let me tell you something that your friend will understand the next time you see them.” A sharp gasp is all Alex replies with; a ray of hope, perhaps? “Feeling angry towards someone you love does not make you ‘less good’. Good people do express their anger every day, in their own ways. Your father... he was a horrible example of this. A good example would be someone like a social justice advocate, or - perhaps more relevant to you, a transgender rights activist. Someone who directs their anger towards a cause.“

She was listening still, of course - but the fact that her therapist deigned to bring up trans rights out of nowhere still made her eyes go wide. It might have even made her smile, if the air wasn’t still so heavy.

“But, things like what your father did - abuse, tone-policing, gaslighting - have a detrimental impact on your own relationship with anger, even more so. He wanted to make you feel bad for being angry - right up until you defied his expecation.” “And look what happened then.”, she huffed - briefly and pointedly flinging up her prosthetic arm. “That’s good!” It would be fair to say the interjection confused Alex - arm stuck where it was in the air, before slowly lowering as she listened. “You’re expressing anger towards something that happened - but you didn’t turn it on me. That already makes you better at channeling your anger than him. You’re already making progress, Alex!”

“... huh. I- I guess so.” At last, at long last, she manages a smile. To know that there it was okay for her to be mad at something, to know she could express and use that anger - and, most of all, to know that she was a better person - through a vicarious triumph, a relieved laugh, it delivers to her a satisfaction that defies description.

“Alright - we’re going to spend the rest of this session exploring a few healthier ways to express anger. Things like how to get rid of the sources of anger, how to manage anger when it’s directed towards someone else. And I want you to try and apply those things the next time you see your friend. Do you think you can do that for me, Alex?”

“.... of course, doc. Thank you.”

“Thank yourself, Alex. We’re making great strides together - and we’re still only going upwards. So... let’s begin.”

[breakingsomething]

the fall part fifteen - the topic of forgiveness

basic summary: marvin does an emotional speedrun. chase attempts an apology. a storm is coming.

trigger warnings: mentions of medication, hypnosis

tagslist: @synonymsforzombie @spicydanhowell @skyewardlight @dreaming-of-stories-and-stars @cest-mellow @graveyardlettuce @lower-your-expectationss

marvin had had hangovers before, but this one was just awful.

the hotel was nice though. someone that he assumed was staff had brought him toast and apple juice, which he was immensely grateful for. it helped his headache ease. then he'd spent the morning psyching himself up for getting up and going to face his brothers again, which he really didn't want to do but knew he'd have to eventually. he supposed he couldn't avoid his responsibilities forever. ugh, everything hurt.

"what was the name of the man who paid for my room last night?" he asked the receptionist as he finally worked up the energy to check out. the woman smiled at him, the computer screen lighting up her face as marvin waited patiently, clinging to the desk for support. he was tired as shit. maybe he should have taken advantage of the free room and slept longer, but he knew his brothers would be worried. he wondered how many frantic texts they'd sent him before remembering anti had stolen his phone. the thought shouldn't have been funny. yeah, he needed a nap.

"it was… anthony berlin," the woman told him, pushing up her glasses as she looked at him. marvin nodded. he didn't recognize the name, like he'd expected. a small part of him had thought the interaction between them had seemed very familiar, but of course he'd been drunk out of his mind. he probably was just imagining things.

"thank you," he said gratefully, and flashed a small smile at her as he left. this hotel was pretty nice, actually. he wondered how much it had cost for a room, but decided not to ask that as well. once outside, the cold air practically slapped him in the face. well, that was one kind of wake up call. he should definitely go back home now.

he didn't.

he walked to naomi's instead. she'd managed to move back yesterday, though the shop was closed and likely wouldn't reopen for a little while. he went up the fire escape and knocked on the side door, whistling sharply to let her know who it was. it took her only about a minute to answer, and marvin breathed a sigh of relief when she did.

"why are you on my fire escape?" was the first thing she asked. she looked different from the last time he'd seen her; bags under her eyes, hair yanked back into pigtails, fringe hanging in her face. "i mean, good to see you. uh. yeah. good to see you."

"good to see you too," he said softly. he tapped his shoes on the metal bars, avoiding the thin vines that had woven themselves through them. he cleared his throat and glanced back up at her. "do you wanna go somewhere? the beach, maybe? we could go sit at the gazebo and get fish and chips? or -"

"fish and chips sounds good," she interrupted. a grin split her face. "let me get dressed very quick. i'll be out in five minutes."

five minutes later, they were on their way down the steps and towards the high street, talking casually like the events of last week hadn't happened. it was only once they'd arrived at the shop down the street that naomi quietened, lowering her head and silently taking marvin's hand.

"they're going to start me on carbamazepine," she murmured. "that's usually used to treat epilepsy, but it's effective for bipolar as well. the lithium wasn't working anyway, so they're easing me off of it. i should be good in a month or so."

marvin blinked, then smiled wide. "oh - naomi, that's great!"

she snorted, turning her face away so he couldn't see her grin. "yeah, i suppose. i'm - i'm sorry about my breakdown. i know i must have scared you."

he squeezed her hand gently. "you're ok. i've… i've dealt with things like that before. henrik sometimes has flashbacks and barely recognizes us when we try to help him. we're always there for him, and i'll always be there for you."

naomi's lips parted, and her eyes flickered away. "oh, uh - thank you. thank you, marvin, i… ugh, i don't know why you put up with me sometimes. but thank you for it."

they each got a container of fish and chips, then walked to the gazebo, grabbing a spot on the benches. "you'd think there'd be more people here so early on a - what day is it?" marvin said as they ate. "thursday?"

"i think so," naomi said. she threw a chip across the ground, and above twenty seagulls immediately flew down and began fighting over it. "lost track of the days. they're all the same, anyway. boring." she glanced at marvin. "unless you're visiting. those days are easier to manage."

marvin went silent, staring at his plastic fork. it was a minute or so until he spoke again. "are you really ok? now, i mean. i imagine that - breakdown, was, uh… something that'd been building up for a while."

she sighed, crossing her legs over each other. "i guess. i do feel better, yes. i'm going back to therapy and i believe new meds will help a lot. i just… it scares me, the way my magic exploded like that."

marvin hunched further over himself, resting his elbows on his thighs. "has that happened before?"

"mm-hmm," she hummed. "never to that extreme, but yes. i suppose that happens when you - when you're bottling up so much emotion inside of you. you can just explode."

she kept talking, but marvin was staring down at his food with unfocused eyes, suddenly not hungry. he had lashed out at chase with his magic. had that been why? maybe marvin wasn't as composed and put together as he thought he was. maybe. but he was supposed to be the big brother now. he couldn't afford any explosions like that again.

"- anyway, what's been happening with you? it seems all i've talked about is myself," naomi was saying. marvin jolted, snapping back to attention guiltily with wide eyes. naomi giggled at the look on face. "daydreaming a bit there, pyro?"

he laughed. "maybe, maybe. sorry. i'm - doing fine, yeah, fine." he decided not to mention the storm or anti or his own magic explosion. she didn't need more stress on top of her own. "do you wanna walk down to the beach? i'm sick of sitting still, and we've been here for like, ten minutes."

"sounds about right, you adhd ridden bastard," naomi joked, and they set off again, chatting about nothing the way they always had. it made marvin's head hurt. something about how… how usual, how samey this was. it was like the past three months hadn't even happened. like it was april and they'd just celebrated chase's birthday and jackie had come home with a huge cake, having forgotten henrik was supposed to be getting it, and chase had ended up with two cakes that he'd shared with the kids and even stacy when they'd come round to give them his presents. marvin remembered on that specific day they'd sat out the back and ran about like idiots for a few hours, even some of the adults. jackie had lifted louise onto his shoulders and marvin had taken connor, and they'd raced up and down the garden, stacy occasionally yelling for them to slow it down before they got hurt. a few neighbourhood kids climbed the fence to play with them, and eventually it had turned into a right party, every one of them laughing so hard their chests hurt, the heat of the sun making them all dizzy and warm. it had been such a good day. and to think that all that time, anti had been chained up in jackie's makeshift base under that shop, tortured and hurt. just the thought of that made the memory sour. why had that been better days?

"you know, everything's been so strange lately, hasn't it?" naomi said, stirring him from his thoughts. they had arrived at the stone steps down to the beach, and naomi was walking down the wall with her arms outstretched so she wouldn't fall. "ever since you, uh, found anti. like, there was the veil breaking, the resurface of the black magic people, that weird ass storm…" she stumbled, then leaped from the wall to the sand of the beach. "a lot has happened in just three months."

"yeah," marvin murmured, kicking sand into the air. the wind blowing off the water was salty and cold, messing up his already scruffy hair. "it's all shitty! all shitty. let's just�� let's run down to the bottom of the beach and then go back up towards the park." he glanced at naomi, grinning. "what do you say?"

naomi's eyed flashed with mischief. "i say... i have a head start," she said, then took off running like a child, sand flying behind her.

"hey!" marvin called. he raced after her, the wind roaring in his ears, nearly slipping on the unstable ground several times. he caught up with her right as she reached the second flight of steps. "that was - that was cheating, you asshole - rematch, rematch!"

"catch your breath first, pyro," naomi grinned. they sat at the top of the steps next to the park, the grass still wet from the rain. marvin doubled over and rested his head on his knees, breathing hard.

"you're - terrible," he gasped. "swear to - god, i'm - gonna - get you back."

"pfft. you wish." she ruffled his hair, and he gave a small shriek of annoyance. she laughed at his reaction and leaned back to look at the sky, laying her back on the grass. "it's getting dark already. think it's gonna rain again?"

marvin laid back too, facing upwards. the sky was getting very grey, black clouds rolling in. "maybe," he agreed after a moment. "hopefully not for a little while."

they just rested in each other's presence for a while, warm and comfortable. "i missed this," naomi murmured. "just sitting doing nothing like this. it feels like i'm always doing something these days."

marvin nodded, yawning contentedly. "yeah, i get the feeling. so much shit always going on." he raised his hand to the sky, twirling faint strands of magic round his fingers, small and controlled. "i just wanna run around and do random bullshit again."

the wind rustled the trees, people playing faintly in the background of the park. it was a while before naomi spoke. "do you think raymond's alright?"

marvin startled. he had barely thought about raymond since he'd been taken, mostly because the memories hurt and he didn't like to think. a small stab of guilt hit him, and he turned his face, cheek touching the cold grass. "i dunno," he mumbled. "i hope."

the truth was, raymond had now been missing for almost a month, and hecate was starting to lose hope for finding him. marvin never thought he'd say it, but he hoped he'd be ok. the two of them had been really close, once. and as much of a dick as his ex was, marvin didn't want him in the hands of jackie.

"remember the day we met?" naomi said. she raised her arm next to marvin's, and several dead leaves flew off the ground to rotate round her hand, visibly getting greener and brighter as they spun. "you were running from him cause you owed him money. you ran into my shop to hide. that's how you set my door on fire, ha!"

marvin found himself giggling at the memory. "oh my god, yeah. and i was hiding under the cash register bit while you told him to fuck off in swedish? holy shit, that was fantastic."

naomi's arm shook with the force of her laughter, and she bumped into marvin, resting their hands together in the air. "i wish you could have seen the look on his face, he was raging. i suppose we have him to thank for us meeting, actually, which is very weird." she turned towards marvin, dark eyes twinkling. "that's pretty funny, when i think about it. the irony, ha -"

she froze. marvin opened his mouth as if to say something, but just licked his lips and swallowed, mouth dry. was she implying what he thought she was?

"can i kiss you?" he said without thinking. his heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his fingertips, which were now entertwined with naomi's. he wondered dimly if she could feel his heartbeat.

"i'd like that," she whispered.

marvin leaned forwards, eyes fluttering shut, and pressed his lips to hers before quickly pulling away. "shit," he giggled, covering his face with his hands. "i've forgotten how romance works."

naomi laughed. "no, you're doing it right." she rolled over and bumped their noses together. her breath was warm, chocolate eyes sparkling like stars. "this is peak romance. kiss me again."

and he did.

-

the yelling started as soon as he got in.

"where the fuck were you?"

"henrik, calm -"

"chase, i told you to let me -"

"no, i told you not to be an asshole!"

marvin just stood there and took it. he couldn't be bothered to say anything back. really, it was amazing how quickly a good mood could dissipate in this house.

"jesus, marvin, are you even listening?" henrik cried. his face was blotchy, hair mussed like he'd just been asleep. he poked a finger into marvin's chest, face screwed up in anger. "you didn't come back for hours, you sent us one bullshit text saying "oh, i'm taken care of for the night," and then you don't message us again! what are you playing at?"

marvin sighed, closing his eyes. "i never texted you, henrik."

"- and you even think you can - you what?"

marvin winced at how cold henrik's tone had gone. "i didn't text you," he said, loud and clear. "anti stole my fucking phone. i spent the night in a hotel then went out with naomi. is that ok by you?"

henrik blinked, mouth falling open. "you - i - i thought you'd gotten your phone back! who texted us saying you were alright if -"

"don't know, don't care," marvin muttered, before pushing past henrik and standing in front of chase, speaking to him only. "i'm sorry i lashed out. i should have been more in control and i shouldn't have gotten so upset."

"no, i was being the asshole," chase sighed. he leaned against the oven, bouncing on his heels and biting his lip. "i was mad about something else and took it out on you. i'm really sorry."

marvin nodded. "well, then that's settled," he said. "problem solved. i see no more reason for us to fight anymore."

"i - what - no!" henrik spluttered. his glasses had fogged up with his anger, and he quickly took them off to wipe them. "i'm not done -"

"i don't give a shit." there was no warmth in marvin's voice, no emotion at all. "i'm done. i'll see you guys later."

and with that, he raised his chin and matched out of the room, head held high until he got to his room and collapsed against his door, trembling and eyes stinging.

he sighed softly, breaths shuddering. maybe he should have asked naomi to borrow her phone so he could message his brothers like he'd originally planned to do. to be fair, he'd gotten a bit preoccupied. a smile spread across his lips, and he gently touched them with the pads of his fingers like a lovesick teenager. well, something good had happened today. something different. maybe that was what he'd needed.

-

"i'm going for a walk."

henrik barely looked up from his computer. "sure. go for it." then he blinked, suddenly softening and looking up at his brother with tired, pale blue eyes. "and… be safe. are you alright?"

"mm," chase grunted, already yanking on his jacket and pulling on his boots. "i'm fine. i'm gonna - meet lucas, actually. i should be back soon."

henrik pursed his lips, nodding slowly. he glanced back towards his screen, but his eyes kept flickering back to chase, concern etched in his face. chase ignored it. he had shit he had to do.

he needed to apologize to lucas. in person. he'd already texted him, but felt like he owed him a real life apology for running out on him like he had. chase had no clue what he was going to say - sorry i freaked out when our faces got too close, i have childhood trauma relating to my sexuality that's scarred me for life - but lucas had agreed to meet him next to the train station, and chase was already rehearsing what he was going to say in his head. hopefully they could be friends again after. he'd hate to lose a friend to something so dumb.

"sir! excuse me, sir, sir!"

chase whipped round at the sudden frantic cries. running up behind him was a man with curly black hair and a long coat, freckled face pale and panicky. he stopped and doubled over, trying to catch a breath. "i'm sorry - but my - my children, my two sons, they've disappeared and a woman down the path told me she'd seen them come up here with some man - have you seen them?" he was shaking, eyes wide with alarm. "please - i can't lose them, please help me!"

chase made several stuttering sounds, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. his chest tightened in sympathy for the man; chase had lost his own kids before, and he could feel the man's panic in his own heart. lucas was going to have to wait. "i haven't seen them, i'm sorry," he said, and the man sobbed with dismay. chase held up both hands, stepping forwards. "but i'll help you look for them! they came this way?"

"yes, yes," the man cried, his scottish accent thickening with tears, swiping at his face. "i asked several people, a woman with a pram told me she'd seen two boys, black hair like mine, coming this way. i'm - i'm so sorry to bother you, oh god, i'm just so sc-scared…"

"hey, it's ok," chase comforted, flapping his hands awkwardly. "i'll help look. come on, let's see what we can find."

the streets were oddly empty. strange, it wasn't even six o'clock yet. "what are your kids names?" chase asked, attempting to distract him.

"dolos and apate," he babbled, tripping over his shoelaces as he walked. "they're twins, seven years old, my wife chose the names because she loves names that mean things. she died recently and there's been - there's been no one else to help me look after them…"

"i'm - i'm sorry," chase said, eyes scanning his surroundings as they got deeper into the city, farther away from the train station. "uh, what's your name? i forgot to ask that, i'm sorry."

"ronald," he said, getting farther away from chase as he walked faster. "i know, such a difference from my kid's names - fuck, i don't know what i'll do if i can't find them!"

"sl-slow down!" chase wheezed, clutching at his side. ronald paid no mind and raced round a corner, disappearing from view. chase cursed silently. "ronald - be careful!"

it was only when chase turned the corner too that he realized something was wrong.

in front of him was was the music shop. silent aside from the blowing wind, birds cawing in the darkening sky. ronald had completely disappeared, and all chase could hear now was his ragged breathing and the blood pumping in his ears.

"ronald?" he said softly.

a sudden, blood curdling scream suddenly rang out from inside the store.

chase wasted no time. he took off like a shot, shoving the doors wide open and darting inside. "ronald?" he cried, bouncing round the room looking for a door. there was nothing, just a small back room that was completely empty apart from a charred guitar. "ronald, where -"

and oh, shit. there was a door behind the place that had once probably been a cash register, slowly opening to reveal what looked like a white hallway, where chase could hear faint screams emitting from.

his first thought was to call the police. he dialed the number as quickly as he could with shaking fingers, waiting for someone to answer. eventually, after far too long, someone did. "hello?" came a man's cockney english accent. "brighton police, what's your emergency?"

chase quickly filled them in on the situation, all the while walking slowly closer to the white door. he felt like something was drawing him closer, calling him, even. "that does sound serious," the policeman was saying, somewhere far away. "do you know if the man is alright? he's screaming, yeah? well, that's not ideal. maybe it'd be best to go see he's ok."

"yeah," chase mumbled softly. his head felt like it was full of wool. "maybe i should."

he could hear the policeman laughing as the phone slipped from his hands.

the hallway was painted white, no doors or windows, slanting downwards to a large silver door at the end. and it was the sound of the door behind him slamming shut that snapped him out of his strange trance, eyed widening with the gravity of the situation as he realized he was somehow trapped.

"hey - hey, let me out!" he screamed, sudden panic filling his veins and making him immediately lightheaded. "no, no, no, this isn't funny, let me out, please, please let me -"

"chase," came a familiar irish accent. chase took a sharp breath, not daring to look. not daring to turn towards the source of the voice he hadn't heard since the owner of it had threw him in the air with black magic. "chase, i want you to listen to me."

-

someone was tapping on marvin's window.

now, the problem with this was that he was on the second story, maybe ten feet off the ground. he hauled himself off his bed, shoving his laptop to the side and blinking away his headache. he'd been so caught up in messaging naomi that he hadn't even noticed the room had gotten dark. it had probably been staring at the bright screen that had caused the problem. he yawned, rubbing his temples, and threw open his curtains to see -

"oh, you're fucking shitting me," marvin shouted. he threw his hands up in the air, staring at the man who was somehow ten feet in the air, clinging to a pipe with shaky fingers, grinning proudly as he looked in. anti tapped the window again, managing a small wave before gripping the pipe again.

marvin shut the curtains.

the frantic banging started up again straight away. marvin rolled his eyes and opened the curtains again. "what do you want?" he asked flatly, glaring at anti hugging the pipe tightly. he was pale and trembling, soaked through from the rain, nose bleeding with a bruise over one eye.

anti made a face and attempted to mouth something. marvin furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, not understanding. it was harder to tell what he was trying to say with no tongue in his mouth. eventually, marvin managed to decipher it. "you got mugged?"

anti nodded. marvin gave a despairing sigh and dragged a hand down his face. "ok. give me one good reason why i should trust you."

anti opened his mouth again, but suddenly his fingers slipped and he nearly fell, scrabbling to find a foothold so he wouldn't be left dangling in the air. his breathing visibly quickened, and he shook his head rapidly, mouthing one word over and over. marvin couldn't tell what it was, but he could also tell that anti was absolutely going to fall if marvin didn't let him in.

part of him wanted to shut the curtains and just let him go. another part of him wanted to open the window and smack anti's hands off the pipe himself. and another part of him, a much more depressing part, just didn't want to see anyone hurt anymore.

"you're so pathetic," marvin said flatly. anti nodded solemnly.

with a dramatic eyeroll, marvin pushed open the window, reaching out an arm to pull anti inside. anti gasped with relief as he left go of the pipe and tumbled to the floor, slamming his head off marvin's desk. marvin didn't move to help him.

anti groaned in pain. but by the time he'd sat up, marvin had a glowing hand held in front of his face. "this is a damage spell," he growled, pressing his other hand to anti's chest. "i've just wound up all the power based magic in my body and compressed it into my hand. i will not fucking hesitate to shoot this through your goddamn skull if you so much as touch me or my brothers at any point. i will eviscerate you. do you hear me? i will eviscerate you."

anti nodded again, eyes wide. the second marvin let go, he scrambled back into the wall, breathing heavily and clutching at his neck.

marvin narrowed his eyes, lowering his hand just slightly. "now. tell me what you're doing here or i throw you back out the fucking window."

anti didn't even attempt to respond. he just stared at marvin's lit up hand, his pupils dilated. he swallowed, almost completely unmoving.

marvin sighed and shook the magic from his hand, distributing it throughout his body again. "fucking hell," he muttered, and sat back on his heels. "hurry up and talk. i'm getting sick of the sight of you."

anti blinked and raised his hands to sign, but they were shaking so badly he couldn't seem to move them properly. marvin frowned and touched one of them, yelping. "fuck - you are so goddamn cold, how are you even alive?"

he paused, then tugged down anti's right hoodie sleeve, making him flinch. his wrist was still somehow bruised and painful looking. "how did you even do this, anti?" marvin despaired. "i'm just - fucking hell. how did you climb up in this state?"

anti's eyes had gone slightly unfocused. he didn't appear to be listening. marvin groaned. "here - do you have my phone? you can communicate using that."

anti shook his head, and marvin sighed again. "didn't expect so," he muttered, and went to get his computer off his bed. before handing it to anti, he held up a hand in warning again. "break this and you die. i'm not fucking playing around."

anti made a face and slowly flapped his hands in a circle, trying to warm them up enough to type. "the phone and also your kitchen knife got taken when i got mugged," he wrote slowly into an empty google doc. "sorry."

"of course," marvin sighed. "of course. so what do you want?"

anti hesitated before writing the next part. "can i borrow your computer?"

marvin didn't even have any words. for a moment he just stared at anti, open mouthed, before raising a hand and slapping him across the face.

anti yelped loudly and made an exaggerated what the fuck face. marvin curled his hands up with rage, digging his nails into his palms. "you - you, you - you fucking dare even -" he was shaking with anger, tears picking the backs of his eyes. "oh, you fucking infuriate me!"

anti attempted to write something again, but marvin cut him off, slamming his laptop shut. "no. get out. get the fuck out. i don't know why i decided to let you in here. get out."

"wait!" anti signed quickly. "i'm trying to -"

"no!" marvin cut off. "i don't want to hear it -"

"i'm trying to find -"

"i'm giving you ten seconds to get out or -"

"i'm trying to find dapper!"

marvin froze at that last sign. anti looked like he wanted to retract his statement as he saw the look on marvin's face. "you fucking what?"

anti shrank back briefly before sitting up again, trying to regain some scrap of dignity. "i've been looking for dapper," he signed, keeping his eyes trained on marvin. "he's nearby, i know he is, and i -"

"if you think we're letting you near him ever again," marvin said quietly. "you're wrong."

they were interrupted by the sound of anti's stomach rumbling loudly in the quiet room. anti winced and pressed his hands in on his stomach, trying to silence himself. "hungry?" marvin asked with a raised eyebrow. anti flushed, rolling his eyes. he shook his head, removing his hand from his stomach. it immediately started up again and anti hissed through his teeth, curling in on himself.

"i should… probably get you food," marvin said quietly. he still had no clue why he was doing this. why he was giving anti second chances. he breathed in and out, trying to calm himself again before speaking. "fucking hell, why am i even bothering…"

he stood, blowing air out his cheeks as he thought. "you're not staying the night here," he said firmly. anti looked like he wanted to protest, but lowered his hands after probably a second of self reflection. marvin nodded, satisfied. "and i'm not letting you use my computer. especially not for - that. but i will get you food and water and an ice pack for your wrist, cause you're really pathetic and as much as i despise you, i don't wanna find your body on the floor of a bus shelter one day. you got all that?"

anti bobbed his head slowly. marvin glared down at him. "now, stay quiet while i get you shit."

anti's shoulders slumped down, and he gestured to his mouth, making a face of seriously?

marvin groaned. "i mean it, anti. shut the fuck up. if henrik finds out you're here, he'll kill you. and i will let him. got it?"

"fine," anti signed, glancing away. "i'll shut up."

marvin grabbed the doorknob and shook his head. "i can't believe i'm trusting you again," he muttered, before opening the door and immediately coming face to face with henrik.

for a moment, neither man said anything. then henrik started. "trust who again?"

marvin's heart was racing. "uhhhh… myself?" he nodded quickly, his palms suddenly sweaty despite the cold. "giving myself a pep talk. you know, gotta stay on my toes." he laughed nervously, and he hoped anti had had enough sense to duck out of sight in case henrik peeked in. henrik glowered, and for a moment marvin was completely convinced he knew. then the other man lowered his gaze and sighed.

"ok, sure. marvin, i'm - i'm sorry i was an asshole to you. we can't keep going in fucking circles like this." he laughed softly. "not to sound like that arschloch. honestly, i hope he's suffering in the rain out there. i can think of no one who deserves it more."

marvin winced. "uh, yeah. i'm just gonna -" he gently pushed by to get down the stairs, desperately praying that henrik wouldn't look in his room. "i'm gonna make food. 'scuse me."

"marvin," henrik called, and marvin briefly screwed up his face before turning round again. the doctor was looking down at the floor, wringing his hands awkwardly. "i - i'm genuinely very sorry. i know i… didn't sound sincere before. probably because i wasn't being sincere. but now i am." he took a sharp breath between his teeth. "i think we should stop fighting. put all this anti business behind him. i think we can now both agree that anti is an untrustworthy bastard, right?"

marvin bit the side of his lip, guilt welling in his chest. "mm-hmm," he hummed, beginning to step down the stairs. "i'm - sorry too. i am. thank you for… yeah."

his heart pounded as he darted through the house to the kitchen. and as he started on making a sandwich with a packet of crisps, he wished and wished jackie had never picked up that fucking necklace.

-

"jackie," chase said, voice unsteady. "jackie, i don't - i don't… i don't understand."

jackie nodded slowly. both his hands were raised next to his face, covered by a pair of gloves. red hoodie, mussed hair, goggles on top of his head; he looked almost the same as he always did. but chase knew this wasn't the same man he'd once called brother. the blue of his eyes had turned a solid black, and although chase couldn't see his necklace, he knew it must be underneath his shirt. he wasn't even wearing the thick glasses he could never see without. chase took him in, heart pounding in his ears.

"just listen to me a second," jackie said softly. chase nearly sobbed at his voice. "please. i need to -"

"where's ronald?" chase demanded loudly. his eyes darted back and forth, looking for any other way out of this tiny hallway. "and i've - i've called the police. they'll be here soon."

jackie sighed, then tapped the back of his gauges. "come in," he murmured, and suddenly the silver door behind him opened up, two people stepping through. one was ronald, dead eyed and stiff. the other was a tall blonde man chase didn't recognize, wearing a trench coat and holding a bat. jackie gestured towards each of them respectively. "chase, this is rhudy. and this… this is aaron, our dear policeman. also my boyfriend."

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello," aaron said in a mocking tone, flashing chase a grin. ronald - rhudy - didn't move. just stared straight ahead without any expression on his face. chase felt sick.

"you tricked me?" he spat. "you - this - this is the boyfriend that hurt henrik?"

aaron rolled his eyes. "no, i'm one of his many other boyfriends. i'm the one he saves specifically for when he needs someone to pretend to be a policeman."

jackie turned and shot aaron a glare before turning back to chase, softening. "i want to talk to you. there was no evil intentions behind this, i swear. i just needed you to listen."

"this is where you kept anti," chase managed. his lip was quivering, and he blinked hard so he wouldn't cry. "this place, this weird b-base of yours - why? i don't understand. and why him?" he waved a trembling hand towards rhudy. "what's wrong with him? why does he look like that?"

jackie took a step forwards, just slowly. "i built this place to hold anti, yes. very high tech, but i had help." behind him, aaron straightened, tilting his head up proudly. "and rhudy is - no one important. well, he is, but not to you."

chase shook his head, fear pulsing in his veins. "why's he so… dead looking? why did you lure me here?"

"well, to answer your first question… he is dead," jackie explained, like it was nothing. "i killed him. accidentally, of course, and i didn't realize until recently. this is his soul you're seeing. i control it." he lifted a hand, and rhudy immediately followed, blank faced. jackie smirked. "like a little puppet. remember when anti was younger and always called us his puppets? oh, the sweet sound of the tables turning… warms my heart."

chase's breathing quickened, his stomach rolling. he could taste the bacon tortellini he'd eaten for lunch in his mouth again. "you - he - jackie, that's so fucked!" he squeaked, ashamed of how wavering his voice was. "that's so fucked, i - what do you want from me? answer the question!"

aaron opened his mouth, but without even turning round jackie held up a hand and aaron silenced himself, huffing and leaning on his bat. jackie looked suddenly serious. "chaser, i want you to believe me. this necklace - it's… corrupting me." his hand drifted towards his collar, and he clutched at something beneath his hoodie. jackie winced in pain, and chase's heart tightened. his brother looked up, desperation visible in his dark eyes. "i want rid of it, but i don't know h-how… i feel like something bad is taking over my mind, m-making me do things… i don't want to be like this. i don't, i don't." he shook his head, screwing up his face. "i'm so sorry i hurt you."

everything about this screamed danger. but chase found himself taking another small step forwards, lifting a hand to touch jackie's arm gently. "i knew it wasn't you," he choked out. "i told marvin and henrik. i told them. i said that you were still in there, that your magic was just hurting you - i'm sorry i doubted you, i'm -"

jackie suddenly pulled him in for a hug. chase didn't even hesitate, just immediately melted into it, clinging to his brother like an anchor. jackie was cold. he had always been so warm.

"i'm sorry," jackie whispered, voice cracking. "i love you, chaser, i love you with all my heart."

"i love you too," chase sobbed. he opened his eyes briefly, and looked at aaron and rhudy. rhudy didn't move or react. aaron was looking at his phone, bored. he glanced up to give chase a small, wicked smile, eyes glittering.

"tell me you really love me," jackie said. there was something in his voice that instantly put chase at ease, making him relax in jackie's arms, warm and sleepy.

"i really love you," chase murmured.

jackie's grip tightened on his back. "tell me you'll obey."

"i'll obey," chase said, even quieter.

jackie pulled away, smiling and facing chase head on. oh, his head was spinning. he felt so empty, his thoughts gone. "good," jackie grinned. "good. now listen closely."

he leaned into chase's face. "you're going to go straight home and forget you ever saw us, or that you came to this store at all," he whispered, voice dripping like honey, filling chase's head. he nodded sleepily. jackie smirked even further. "you're going to wait until i tell you i need you. understood, chaser? nod again if you understand."

chase hummed softly, bobbing his head mechanically. "i understand," he said flatly. "i understand."

jackie pushed him away gently, turning chase towards the door and opening with a few button presses. "by the time you've left the store, you'll have forgotten everything," jackie told him, his voice far away. "remember what i told you. i love you, chaser."

true to his word, by the time chase had gotten back out into the now pouring rain and the colour returned to his eyes and face, he didn't remember a thing. had he been planning to meet someone? he didn't think so. no, he needed to go home. go home and wait until he was needed. needed? needed for what? his thoughts screamed. chase shook it off. fuck, he had forgotten to take his meds this morning. must have been why he was so confused suddenly. it must be.

he hummed to himself the whole way home.

-

anti was right where marvin had left him. leaning against the wall under the window, shivering and burying his face in the curtains. marvin sat down beside him. "made you a sandwich. it's, uh, bread and butter with like, a full bag of cheese and onion crisps. i also have a bottle of water. it's tap water. and a pack of ice." he placed the last one on anti's wrist under his sleeve. anti sat up, hissing through his teeth at the pain. his eyes darted back and forth across the room, and marvin frowned. "are you alright?"

scowling, anti nodded, yanking his hand away and pulling it close to his chest. silently, he grabbed the water bottle and clingwrapped sandwich and stuffed them in his hoodie pockets, not meeting marvin's eyes.

"you're welcome," marvin said sarcastically. anti rolled his eyes and tried to push himself to his feet, managing to get onto the windowsill again.

"yeah, you'll have to go back out the window," marvin deadpanned. anti scrunched up his face, and marvin pushed him aside to open the window again. "i know, it's terrible. but like i said, i don't want henrik to see you."

anti made another face as the sound of pouring rain picked up ever louder through the open window. marvin threw his hands up at anti's reaction. "what? what is your problem?"

anti just shook his head and swung his legs out the window again. "i don't know how the fuck to climb down," he signed, glancing down to the floor below. marvin huffed loudly.

"don't care. have fun." he tapped anti's shoulder, making him flinch. "don't come back here again, ok? fucking christ."

anti rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of the pipe again, giving a small gasp of pain as he clung to it with his injured hand. marvin only watched him go for a moment before straightening and wandering back to his bed, flopping down and pulling his computer back onto his lap.

there was a sudden yelp and a loud thump from below.

marvin immediately leapt up again and raced to the window. anti was on the ground, flat on the grass. "fine!" he signed up at him, giving a thumbs up. "fine!"

he staggered to his feet, swaying painfully. marvin huffed and slammed the window shut again, closing the curtains. this time, he definitely didn't look back.

-

chase came home an hour later.

"how was your meeting with lucas?" marvin asked with a supportive smile. henrik had filled him in on the situation, and he was going to try and help chase as much as he could with it. "did it go well?"

chase blinked, resting an arm against the doorway. "meeting with who?" he mumbled. then he shook his head, mouth falling open slightly. "oh. oh, oh, oh shit. oh shit!"

marvin furrowed his eyebrow in confusion. "chase, what? did you - did you meet up with him?"

chase palmed his forehead, groaning loudly in despair. "i didn't, i meant - i forgot, christ, how did i forget that?"

marvin gaped. "you forgot? how do you forget - how do you - isn't that what you went out for in the first place?"

"yeah!" chase's eyes were wide with sudden panic. "yeah, how could i forget? i just walked around and then came back, i must've gotten really lost in thought - oh fuck, he's gonna hate me, marvin!"

marvin placed his hands on his brother's shoulders, looking him in the eye. "chase, bro, calm. it's ok. we're all very preoccupied, this is heavy shit we're dealing with recently. just tell him the situation." he lowered his voice. "have you looked at new therapists? you just seem so spacey lately."

chase nodded slightly, bringing his head forward to rest on marvin's collarbone. "mm. i did. i promise i'll show you later… i'm tired, marvin."

"i'll help you upstairs," marvin said softly. he knew chase sometimes got like this where he randomly forgot things; it was a symptom of depression, he knew. chase murmured something into his chest as marvin wrapped an arm around him, assisting him in stumbling out of the kitchen into the hall. he could hear henrik on a call with someone in his room as he walked by. "you just rest, drink water, feel better tomorrow."

and if chase noticed the tone change in marvin's voice, he didn't say anything. he definitely didn't see marvin's face crumple as chase fell onto his bed, drifting off almost immediately. and when marvin left the room, shoving his hand in his mouth to stop himself from crying out, he thought about how much he missed the days that henrik, jackie and jamie were all here together when chase got into states. how he didn't have to do it alone. something heavy sank in marvin's chest. he chose to ignore it.

don't cry, don't break. just deal with it and move on.

and he did.

[spooky-mister]

Intervention - Kevin x Ian

Howdy howdy.

H e y - as well as making bad art, I also write the bad writes.

Aka, I wrote a thing.

This is just a personal canon divergence of what I think would have happened if Kevin had intervened with Ian’s death at the end of the movie. 

Apologies if I write them out of character, some of their interactions are based off personal interpretation of the characters and I’ve also just never written any FD3 fan fiction before lmao.

-----   -----   -----   -----   -----

Intervention

Fandom: Final Destination 3

Paring: Kevin Fischer x Ian McKinley

Word Count: 2,582

Plot: Canon divergence. An imagined scenario where Kevin intervenes with Ian’s death and the resulting aftermath.

-----   -----   -----   -----   -----

"It's you, Wendy! You're dead!"

Time seemed to sedate to a sticky halt as Kevin registered what was happening. The fresh, uneasy swaying of the McKinley cherry picker. The sudden yet deliberate silence of the fireworks behind. The same realisation edging onto Ian's face at the mechanic strain creaking behind him. Death had skipped Wendy. Ian was going to die.

Maybe he deserved it. The thought sickened him. Ian was just a kid like the rest of them - barely 18. He shouldn't wish death on a kid. A kid who had just lost his girlfriend. Just like him. Shit, Ian was just as scared as the rest of them. He liked to forget that Ian was, in fact, human.

Well, this was it. He was going to die for Ian fucking McKinley.

He felt clumps of grass and mud kick out from under his shoes as he ran, screams from Wendy and Julie falling deaf on his ears as he propelled himself towards Ian. He grasped forward, hands catching on the arms of Ian's red sweater as he pushed him down with his full body weight. He fell down on top of the smaller teen, head hitting hard against Ian's. The momentary sting felt inconsequential as the arm of the cherry picker embedded itself deep into the soft ground inches from their legs.

Kevin's shocked adrenaline didn't take long to morph into anger.

"What the fuck, McKinley!?" Kevin yelled, propping himself up to stare down at Ian's face. He was barely looking at him, blinded in frustration as he moved to try and get up. His head rang softly at the impact of their fall. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to get us killed? You said you believed us now - are you psychotic or just a moron? You-"

He cut himself off as a noise broke through his rage. In all four of his years at McKinley High School, Kevin had never seen Ian McKinley cry. He didn't think he was capable. But here he was, burying his face into the top of his hoodie and biting back his lips to hold in sobs. Any remnants of anger died on arrival as Kevin felt himself climbing up off of Ian and onto the grass beside him. He reached a hand to Ian but Ian slapped it away, sniffing as he slowly raised to a hunched sitting position.

"Hey," Kevin soothed as soon as he regained his voice. His malice had drained completely, focus switching onto calming Ian. He watched as Ian furiously scrubbed the end of his sleeve at his tears, finding more success in smearing his eyeliner across his skin than he did drying his eyes. "Just... Take a breath. Okay, man? You're good."

Kevin could see Ian choking back what could have been a maelstrom of bitter insults and mockery but Ian couldn't seem to find his voice, resolving to shove Kevin further away instead. Kevin caught his balance, resting one hand in the grass as he turned his attention to their surroundings. He noticed two security personnel and one medic from the first aid tent making their way through the crowd towards them and sighed in quiet relief. Maybe they could talk sense into Ian - calm him down at least. He got to his feet slowly, pain from where the horse had previously kicked him sparking in his torso as he waved them over before glancing back down to Ian curled up on the grass. He looked so small. Almost fragile. Guilt tore and clawed at Kevin from his gut to his throat. He knew the pain he saw reflected in Ian's face. He'd been there too.

Before he could say another word to Ian - any of the words he wished he had heard after losing Carrie - security shouldered their way past him to crouch beside Ian. Kevin watched as they flooded Ian with questions, shining lights into his unresponsive eyes and trying to force him to his feet. He wanted to shout for them to give Ian some space but he couldn't bring himself to say anything, glancing back at the feeling of Wendy's hand tentative on his shoulder. He could talk to Ian later. Right now, his chest and abdomen throbbed and his head was fuzzy with adrenaline. He relented, allowing the girls to lead him towards the first aid tent with one last look back.

-----------------------------------------------

Kevin had been hunched over in the first aid tent for what felt like hours when security finally led Ian in through the pegged-back curtains.

Wendy had gone with Julie in an ambulance en route to the hospital to take her to the accident and emergency clinic - something about an underlying heart condition which had sounded way too intense for Kevin to question. He didn't mind being by himself too much. The medics were nice enough, music played out of a small, beaten stereo and the pack of ice they had given him felt good against his tender bruising. Still, the illusion that things had calmed to normality was torn from Kevin when the tear-stained, pallid face of Ian McKinley was brought in front of him. An official McKinley police officer had joined the Tricentennial security team but they barely glanced in Kevin's direction. Perhaps he would be questioned once security was dealt with.

As soon as a member of security had settled Ian down into one of the fold-out plastic chairs, the officer invited the personnel to talk outside - leaving the boys alone. Kevin trained his eyes on the ground before letting them flicker up to scan Ian's face. The kid looked exhausted. He sighed quietly before deciding to speak.

"How are you feeling?" It was as good of a place to start as any other. The question hung in the dead air between them, Kevin receiving little more than an uncomfortable twitch in response. He decided to try again. "...Look, you can talk to me. Got that? We're all going through this, McKinley. It's no excuse to go crazy on us."

"What, we're all gonna sit around in some kind of group therapy?" Ian mumbled, still avoiding eye contact. His voice was gravelly and hoarse from the strain of his previous yelling and his fresh tears. "Hold hands and talk about our feelings? Sounds fucking peachy."

Kevin narrowed his eyes at Ian's comment, doing his best to keep his cool. Ian had always been difficult to talk to. Perhaps that was why they stopped in the first place. He took a deep breath before speaking again, keeping his voice as non-threatening as possible. "I lost my girlfriend too." He noticed as Ian flinched slightly at the comment. "Carrie, remember? I..." He faltered, trailing off. "...So I know how you feel."

Ian's gaze finally settled on Kevin, his dark eyes set cold and impenetrable. "Carrie died," He acknowledged, keeping his voice low. "And we're all very sorry about that, but I don't need the wise words of Kevin Fischer to make me feel better. The last thing I want right now to to get patronised by some dumb jock."

Kevin bristled at the childish insult but did his best to not let it show. Ian was hurt and he had to sympathise with that if they were going to get anywhere. "I know more than you think," Kevin reasoned, chipping back the rising edge in his voice. "You might be surprised."

"You used to be smart," Ian reasoned, leaning back on his plastic chair and letting his eyes scan over Kevin's face and body with a sniff. "Back when you'd bother to talk to me once in a while, but now? You're a shadow of that. You're just like the rest of them - a high school stereotype."

Kevin held back the urge to roll his eyes at the label, expression hardening the more Ian tested his patience. "I stopped talking to you because of, well, this." He motioned a hand towards Ian, gesturing at his entire body vaguely. He noticed Ian raise an eyebrow and continued, repressing the venom in his voice. "You want a high school stereotype, McKinley? Look in the mirror. All this holier-than-thou bullshit and you wonder why you never made more than one friend?" Kevin let the words hang in the air for a moment before looking down and adding a quiet "I'm sorry."

Ian scrolled through an array of loaded comebacks in his head before sighing and closing his eyes. This wasn't going to make him feel better. "You could have died back there," He muttered, opting to change the subject. "You could have just let it crush me if you hate me so much."

"I don't hate you," Kevin correctly gently, looking back to Ian with sad eyes. "I know you're hurting. We've all lost people and I didn't want to lose anyone else -" He managed a small ghost of a smile as he spoke. "- even if it is you." Kevin's smile grew when Ian released a quiet snort of a laugh, the goth's pale lips twitching slightly. Smiling was a good look for Ian. Not the condescending, malicious smirk he usually wore, but a real and comfortable smile.

Kevin leaned forward as best as he could and patted a hand firmly on Ian's shoulder. Ian tensed, his smile falling again as he looked over Kevin's warm features. A true American boy next door - no wonder the girls all wanted him. He faltered before speaking again, quieter this time. "So what do we do now?"

"Now," Kevin started, pulling his hand back. "Assuming that Death just skipped you, it'll be going after Julie again. So, we're safe for now; I'm after Julie and you're after Wendy." Kevin's words failed him as he held back from saying what his gut urged him to. This was Ian McKinley. As if he was concerned enough to take it this far. Then again, Ian had proclaimed his new found belief in Death's design himself. Perhaps this wouldn't sound so ridiculous. "...Until then, I think it would be a good idea to stay close together. Or at least keep in touch."

Ian hesitated at the offer, turning it over in his mind. It seemed logical enough; keeping together would act as an efficient warning system as well as increasing probability of death prevention. Still, a part of his brain held back from agreeing so easily. This was Kevin he was talking to - the source of so much contempt and confusion set in his brain from years of secret, self-hated admiration. Could he live with that? Did he want to live with that? The idea made him nauseous but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Before he could figure his feelings out in their entirety, he found himself nodding slowly.

"Yeah. It is a good idea."

Any remaining doubts he had were stripped momentarily when Kevin smiled at his response. He could feel the involuntary swell of his own smile in return. Maybe they would be okay.

-----------------------------------------------

Five months after the McKinley Tricentennial, Ian McKinley and Kevin Fischer were exclusively dating. They had moved out of their family homes together at their first opportunity in favour of a shared apartment on the outskirts of McKinley. Ian had been eager to leave the town altogether but that kind of move would have cost them money they just didn't have yet, so the apartment was a steady compromise. With the pair of them taking independent gap years to work and get their affairs in order, leaving town was not the distant dream it had been at the start of their endeavour. Still, they had to keep money aside to treat themselves once in a while, and that's just what they were doing as they waited hand-in-hand for a subway train to take them to Oswald.

It had been Kevin's turn to decide this month's date night and he'd been adamant that they travelled to check out the game at the other end of the line. While he was far from a mainstream sports fan, Ian had given in to the request. If it really made Kevin that happy, Ian could sit through a couple of hours of yelling, chanting and uncomfortable seating. He'd get the power to choose next month.

Kevin turned to face Ian when the subway pulled up with a sharp screeching against its wheels. His mouth relaxed into an easy smile and he pressed a gentle kiss to Ian's temple as the doors of the train slid open with a soft ding. Ian returned the smile before glancing around and leading Kevin quickly onto the train. Ian's eyes impulsively glued onto the train map above them on entrance, tracking the red line across from McKinley to Oswald.

"It's the last stop," Kevin spoke as he stepped up beside Ian, squeezing his hand gently. He glanced across to his boyfriend and his smile morphed into a teasing smirk. "It's not exactly an easy stop to miss."

Ian rolled his eyes playfully as Kevin held back a breathy laugh at his own hilarious wit, Ian shoving the taller boy gently. "Yeah, okay. Let's find a seat before they're all taken. It's a pretty long ride." He took Kevin's arm around his shoulders as an agreement, leading Kevin towards the corner of the car where they hopefully wouldn't get disturbed by jacked-up, intoxicated sports fans. Kevin settled down first, drawing Ian beside him and slipping an arm around his boyfriend's waist. Ian turned his head toward Kevin to find Kevin already watching him, content. Ian's faint smile split into a more distinct grin as he leaned forward, catching Kevin's lips in his own. The further they got to Oswald, the more dangerous this would get. He'd make the most of this public affection while he could.

It was, in fact, a long ride towards Oswald, and the train packed people like sardines the closer they got. Sitting further apart now but still holding hands, Kevin and Ian didn't talk. They were sharing a pair of white, plastic earphones, the faint stereo sound of Nine Inch Nails combating a busker making his way down the car with an acoustic guitar. Ian didn't mind too much - there were worse situations to be in, even if Turn Around, Look At Me by The Vogues didn't mix seamlessly with The Hand That Feeds. Ian let his attention drift around the train's occupants while Kevin distracted himself by leafing through their game tickets and subway passes. They were only a couple of stops away from Oswald - Booth Street acting as their buffer - and then they could slip back into their normality again.

While pleasant ideas for the rest of their evening floated through Ian's head, his eyes caught sight of something - someone - who pulled his thoughts back to reality in a sickening mental whiplash.

Wendy Christensen.

The logic in him knew that he was being ridiculous. He was acting as if Wendy was nothing more than a bad omen. A superstition. Hell, shouldn't he be happy to see an old classmate no matter the circumstances? He should. But that just made the sickening dread settling into every part of his body all the more disconcerting. He found himself squeezing Kevin's hand even tighter as train 081 pulled up towards Booth Street, the fuzzy noise of the subway intercom cutting through his trepidation.

"This is Booth Street. Next stop is Oswald - end of the line. Next stop is the end of the line."

-----   -----   -----   -----   -----

That’s it-

This was just poorly written, self-indulgent trash but I hope you managed to enjoy it lmao

also yes, when Kevin said “It’s the last stop”, I had to fight with everything I had not to write “It’s the final destination” because I’m a waste of brain cells