#gonna go with my mom and grandma so I don’t have to worry abt driving lol

[twilly224]

Tickets 2 see Ghost in Tampa: Acquired!

[pepprs]

ok so…. i know all i have been doing is posting about moving for the last few days but i have another moving post. i don’t think im moving tomorrow or Thursday or friday or Saturday or even Sunday. i think I am moving Monday and i would like to formally request advice from my beloved mutuals on tumblr dot com (no pressure though) about whether or not i should set that into stone because the situation is complicated and still up in the air. it is literally FIVE DAYS it doesn’t even matter but it feels so big to me. lots of stuff under the cut

so basially the reason i would be moving on monday instead of just waiting another day is bc on thursday my dad is driving 8 hours to clean out his childhood home w his siblings bc my grandma died in sept and they’re selling the house 🤪✌️ and he will be gone until sunday (though im worried something will h*ppen either like. S*mething B*d or just that it’ll take them too long for him to make it home by Sunday). so my mom and sister are freaking out abt him being exposed to covid and being away from home where they can’t take care of him and stuff and if i go before he goes they will be even more worried bc they’ll have to worry abt me on top of him. plus my mom is very skittish abt covid so if i were to move back on like friday or something she wouldn’t be able to help me bring all my bags and stuff from the car to the door of the building. so yeah it’s kinda dumb but even still i personally am hesitating bc when my dad went to the memorial service in oct we were all basket cases and it’s gonna be worse this time bc he’ll be there for longer and rates are higher and stuff. and i remmeber how scared we all were and how much we cried and i don’t wanna put my family thru that and honestly? if something were to h*ppen to him god forbid? i wouldn’t be able to come home to be with my family bc my mom would freak out abt covid stuff. so there’s all that.

now for moving to campus… i am scared of covid and im scared of my roommates. those two things are always gonna be things im up against regardless of when i go back so beating myself up over delaying encountering them an extra 5 days is kinda ridiculous but i am scared to go back and im worried that deciding to stay is just feeding into my fears. also those of u who were here before august 2021 May Remember that i wanted to get out of this house with a vengeance and well… i think this time during the month and a half almost ive been here.. things have been better. my mom actually told me yesterday she has been making an effort to be better and ive noticed it and while things are still… pretty not great in some areas i do think things between us are better than they were last year. so things have not been that bad and honestly.. it’s not gonna sound like me but. i actually am not really in a hurry to go back to my life there. like all of a sudden i am perfectly content with being in a bubble where im safe and can be loud and wild and cozy and all of that. idk. but am i just saying that bc im scared of going back to growing my wings??????

anyways epic and sexy pros and cons list time

————————

IF I MOVED TOMORROW:

PROS: not missing anything at work, getting extra time with my colleague-besties who i adore very much especially on friday when everyone is in the office, having a decent and consistent space to do class and work from sooner, having more freedom with my habits sooner

CONS: being away from my family during a hard time, being in pain and causing them pain on top of pain that we know is going to happen this week, making them feel like my chosen family > my blood family for the 8364397448th time (it actually kinda is > though lawl), getting up early to finish packing bc today has been insane and im like 30% done but i still have to write 2 discussion posts by noon and im supposed to be moved in by 11 💔

IF I MOVED ON MONDAY:

PROS: being with my family during a hard time, not adding extra pain onto pain that will already be happening this week, proving that i do actually love / care abt them when i feel like they don’t think so, having more time to pack. also important to note is that i have a 10am on Friday that is in person and while it ends at 12 my brother is in class until 2:30. so i would get to go to my room and/or hang out in the office or do whatever.. i just can’t take off my mask to eat when im inside buildings / around other ppl. (if i was not coming home i would go back to doing what i was doing in the fall even though i will be more scared now bc of omicron: eating in private rooms (e.g. my bedroom, the 1-person private satellite office) and occasionally in the office with no more than 2 other ppl there at a time who are masked while im doing it. and eating in the office = pulling down my mask just long enough to get the food in my mouth not taking it off entirely the entire time i eat btw). also.. not to say this but not having to be quiet on my calls / meetings in order to respect my roommates who don’t like loud noises LOL

CONS: missing out on independent time i want and am paying for, bothering my roommates / RA by giving them a heads up that i am moving in later than expected for a THIRD time in the last 48 hours, missing banter / interesting moments in the office with my colleague-besties, having to go outside in the freezing cold to eat if im hungry, having to leave in the middle of a conversation when i really don’t want to go, feeding into my anxiety about going back to living independently, possibly disappointing friends who know im giving in to my family’s needs over my own when that is dangerous for me lawl 🤪

————

so yeah idk. pros and cons lists are hard bc there’s not an easy way to assign a weight to stuff but…… avoiding causing my family pain is a heavy one. so i am leaning towards that which means it’s basically a guarantee that that is what im doing bc if i wasn’t doing that i would be packing instead of writing this post since i was supposed to be there by 11 tmrrw! but idk i need advice i am overthinking this 🤕

[turntoolate]

november 1st, 2021

first post! new blog! i hope i keep this one going. if anyone sees this, hi! i’m alex c: i thought it would be fun to use this as a semi personal diary. just somewhere to say things or something like that i haven’t really thought it out. quick introduction abt me, i’m 18 (19 in seven days!), i can’t drive! i have a car named graham. my pronouns are he/him and i’m a lesbian :p that’s all i can really think about for now. this blog is 100% brain dumping so please never expect good grammar or even just linear posts.

jumping right into my life i just moved out! it was very much rushed but also very needed. my mom god i could write a 500 page essay in her but that’s fir another day. anyways within the past 6 months my mom has borrowed $667 from me, you know, her 18 year old child who just got his first job and needs to save for college and shit like that. there are certain cases where i guess this would make sense i can’t really think of a case where this is okay, parents really shouldn’t be borrowing money from their kids at all. i’m the one who should be the stupid irresponsible teenager who has no concept of saving money but nope! its the other way around. my almost 46 year old mother has yet to figure out how to even semi manage her money. i wish people could instantly just know all the terrible things my mom has done over the course of not only my life, but also my 26 year old brother’s life too. when my brother was my age she did the same thing to him, constantly milking him of his money and guilt tripping him if he refused. when i got my job she started to do the exact same to me and my brother and grandma noticed as well and in turn started to worry for my future, i don’t blame them. my grandma told me ill never see that money again and unfortunately she’s probably right. the money isn’t the only reason i moved out, my mom is also very very manipulative and emotionally abusive so this move is gonna hopefully help my mental health a bit. i moved in with my friend val and their significant other glenn. it’s nice because val’s mom owns the house we live in but she doesn’t live here anymore, she lives with her boyfriend so we have a whole ass house to ourselves ! she only wants $100 from each of us for rent but honestly we could handle the entire mortgage if we had to, i appreciate her though.

moving is a very scary thing for me, this will be my 17th time moving in my entire life, i guess you have to factor in the fact that my parents are divorced so i move twice as much as usual? i guess? i’ve just never gotten use to the packing and moving to a different place. i have very specific places for all my things and very specific routines for my daily life and moving forces me to change all of that. this move was especially scary because this is the first time i’m moving somewhere without either of my parents so i basically just lost my safety net of familiarity. i don’t know if its my social anxiety or my regular anxiety or my autism or what but it is extremely hard for me to ask where things are (like silverware, towels, etc etc) and also just. existing. i remember one time when i moved into my moms boyfriends house i would pace around my room trying to get myself to have enough confidence to go downstairs to the kitchen to eat dinner. the same thing is happening now and i hate my brain for it. i really hope it doesn’t take me as long to get comfortable as it did before because it was terrible and caused me to do things like keep food and dishes in my room and i don’t want to get into that habit again. the scary part that’s more specific to this move is that i’m worried my friend isn’t going to give me enough personal space because i am a very introverted person and i can only handle so much social interaction in one day. i know this could easily be solved by talking to them about it but that’s so difficult for me that i would rather just suffer and hope that eventually they understand that. moving in with people who already live there is so much more difficult than moving into a new place at time same time because then you guys out things away together and you both know where they are from the start. i think i just fixate on small things that don’t even matter but i have no clue on how to fix that.

i think this is all i will write for my first post, i really do hope i continue on with this and maybe it will help me somehow in the long run. well goodbye for now <3

[infinite-insignia]

((I uh. made an edgy moodboard for myself. also a vent/rant under the cut.))

(( wasn’t exactly in a super angsty mood earlier but then I thought abt things and my brain went “man I really was a horrible person huh” so basically this is a representation of my edgy kin thoughts whenever they resurface. not even joking, some of the quotes are p accurate. especially the “killed my old self but the new me isn’t much better” one cause it reminds me of my death and honestly yeah. that was totally my doing. tryna be a better person in this life but I guess I can’t do that. I mean it didn’t work back then, why would it work now. tho if I give up on remembering my last life, I’d be giving up on what’s p much my purpose in this life. remember everything and use that knowledge to (try to) better myself before this human body gives out and this soul fades. cause I don’t think this soul’s gettin reincarnated again. not like I have another shot at remembering everything. but everyone tells me to stop focusing on the past. that it doesn’t define me now. but tbh? it kinda does at this point. the human life I’ve lived? yeah that was normal before I remembered what I was last time. and now it’s all I think abt--and to be told to stop thinking abt it? to be called delusional over it? to have people try and prove me wrong by telling me how I lived my life--or, worse, by saying it never even happened? it hurts me emotionally. like,,,deeply hurts me. I wanna talk to people abt things so I know someone’s listening. that someone cares enough to at least attempt to understand. even fake understanding would be enough cause I’d believe it was real. I’d have someone to talk to outside of tumblr, at least. sure, my psychologist knows a bit abt this stuff, but I only see her once every other week--and not this week. so I can’t talk to her. can’t talk to my mom cause she doesn’t understand and I know for a fact we’d end up arguing. she’s said it before--she wants her kid back. this messed-up delusional freak who brings past lives into their current one apparently isn’t her kid--but that’s who I am. that’s what I do. even among people like me, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone and it’s driving me nuts--but at the same time I’m terrified to talk to people because of the reactions they could have. I can talk abt it on here but to you guys it probably just seems like lame, delusional ranting. so I might as well shut up before I start to look like even more of a whiny bitch, huh. I say that despite knowing it’s hard to shut up once I start talking. ugh. man I went from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of bad moods. and it’s not even a bad mood? like I’m upset, yeah. but it doesn’t exactly feel like stress, it feels more like,,,emptiness. like I’ve dealt with this shit enough that I’ve figured there’s no point in stressing over what’s gonna happen every few days or so. my brain wants to mistake this emptiness for calmness--but I’m not calm. I’m not happy, I’m not content, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m a freakshow brought into another life for god knows what reason. Phantom Ruby shouldn’t have had the power to reincarnate me but it somehow did. Ruby itself is here too somehow--it’s just super weak/faint. like,,,I can tell it’s there, but it can’t do much. I can’t even see it anymore or hear it out loud--it’s just like an inaudible voice, kinda like a thought that’s not actually coming from me. if that makes sense. probably doesn’t cause I’m just delusional apparently. oh well. can’t let my mom know I’m going through this cause we’d just argue. cant tell my sis cause she doesn’t wanna hear abt my kin bs. says its annoying cause I talk abt it too much. tho she also says it’s not an issue as long as I believe it and I’m not hurting anyone--and I’m not hurting people. not intentionally. I just wanna talk. have some sort of an outlet. but when most of my past life is full of war and murder and blood and stress and evil and destruction and everything else that is horrible, people are gonna judge me if I talk abt it. think I’m still some murderer today--which I’m not. definitely not. I regret the things I did. yet I’ve had someone tell me that ‘villains don’t feel regret’ and you wanna know what I did in response? pushed said person in a fit of anger. not a super strong push or anything, just enough to throw them off balance for a second. but like,,,you can’t tell me what I did or didn’t feel. sure I may not have regretted a whole bunch during the war, but afterwards? I was a walking ball of stress and regret trying to make a better name for myself but failing. waiting til the end of the planet, when I was the last living mobian, to do something abt it. and that something wasn’t pretty--it’s what caused me to move onto this current life. I get a lot of thoughts from various points in my last life, and those all cause a whole lot of emotions. yet, at the same time, I currently just feel like a void. an empty shell who feels the emotions but not the effects of them. the emotions exist but have no impact currently. tho that doesn’t make sense to you does it? wow. to think I was all happy yesterday over that follower milestone. ofc I have to go and ruin my own mood again since that’s all I’m good for apparently. might just go to bed early at this point. take the rest of the night off. nothing else to do. it’s either sleep or leave myself with my thoughts--the latter of which would only lead to more stress and/or empty feelings. anyway. I don’t want you guys worrying abt me. you can feel bad for me, try to make me feel better, but don’t worry. worrying abt me would be a waste of time. I’ll live. just going through another rough moment all of a sudden. but as long as I have a purpose in this current life, I plan to see it all the way through. meaning I won’t physically hurt myself or do anything stupid over this, so don’t worry. my physical health is just fine. mentally, not so sure. probably shouldn’t be saying not to worry cause now you’re gonna worry. whatever, I’ve been typing way too much. said more than I probably should have. probably look like an overreacting emo teen. but I’m just gonna go to bed and try not to let these thoughts get to me. tho my brain is most active right before falling asleep most nights so I doubt that’d work. gonna have to go to school tomorrow. no use in arguing, it makes everyone feel worse. it’s just gonna be a slow, crappy day. at least wednesday is a half day and then we get the rest of the week off for thanksgiving. not that we’re gonna be celebrating this year, we cancelled out plans cause my grandma’s sick and we usually go over to her place where she cooks thanksgiving dinner. but certain smells make her nauseous and the whole thing would be too much of a hassle, so we cancelled that this year. I’m kinda worried abt her. haven’t seen her in a little bit and she has another surgery in december. no idea what kind of surgery but she’s in her 70s and has been sick before so. idk. I do know I’m concerned for her and also myself. my own mental state is a wreck and idk what to do abt it. but for now I’m gonna go to bed. sorry for taking up so much of your time, assuming anyone actually read this whole thing.))

[rollertoasteroflife]

Hey get ready for more info abt me than you prob wanted to know

Tagged by @katyaton heyyy I was gonna sleep but you know I love oversharing so here we go!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. <—pah yeah we all know i’m gonna tag two people...

LAST…

Drink: water, it’s hot and I’m dying

Phone call: Err dunno hang on. apparently it was a missed call who i ddin’t know the number of and didn’t leave a message so I ignored it. Actually spoke to was my Grandma.

Text message: My friend who I’m meeting with tomorrow as I want to drag her along if I get my ear pierced.

Song you listened to: Beyonce’s Flawless. I was having a mid beyonce binge on youtube ok

Time you cried: I was cryingwith laughter earlier because of my research...i posted one of the funny things on here and then the rest were jst stories that I find hilarious. Humanity is a disaster

HAVE YOU…

Dated someone twice: I’ve been on precisely 1 date so nope

Kissed someone and regretted it: Nah

Been cheated on: Have never dated so nope

Lost someone special: Yes

Been depressed: *shoves my nearly 7 years of depression under the rug* no why do you ask??

Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yeah twice. First time I let my drunk friend get me a drink and she just poured abput 7 types of different straight liquors into a pint glass and I drank the whole thing. to be fair it tasted nice but yeah violently sick. 2nd time was after my meds were upped and I didn’t realise it would affect me so badly...I was still drunk and throwing up the next day which was unfortunately my last day of work...my boss didn’t mind though thank god. but yeah i have since learnt that i can have about three drinks and then i have to stop.

Made new friends: Yeah, for someone who is antisocial I have a surprising amount of friends

Fallen out of love: no

Laughed until you cried: All the time. I am very emotional,,,

Found out someone was talking about you: I can’t think of anything but probably? dunno i have an awful memory

Met someone who changed you: Well yeah everyone helps shape you

Found out who your friends are: Don’t really agree with this as a concept, yeah I’ve lost friends but if it wasn’t right for them then no worries. 

Kissed someone from your Facebook list: Does this mean like list of facebook friends? If so yeah, I kiss my friends a lot (not on the lips just like forehead kisses etc i’m affectionate when i want to be shush) and then have also had drunk friends kiss me and just been like aight ok then

Kissed a stranger: One of said drunk friends kissing me I think was the first night I met him?? Not sure

Drank hard liquor: yep

Lost glasses/contact lenses: All the fucking time D: I lost my glasses for over a  day and then found them in the glasses case which i never put them in...i am dumb

Turned someone down: 1 person

Sex on the first date: Nope i haven’t

Broken someone’s heart: I don’t think so?

Had your heart broken: Yes.

Been arrested: Do I seriously seem like I lead that interesting a life??

Cried when someone died: Yes.

Fallen for a friend: ahahah I have this fun thing where once I am very close and comfortable with a friend I can’t work out if I am romantically or sexually interested in them or not as well as caring about them as my friend??? It’s weird and I don’t know how I feel about it. Usually I just ignore it but yeah if any of those friends initiated something I’d probs go with it out of curiosity. I kind of wish it didn’t happen it’s confusing.

Kissed on the first date: no i haven’t

GENERAL

List 3 favorite colors: blue, red and purple

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them, except like a few friends of friends

Do you have any pets: A dumb cat, an overly excited dog, and 5 chickens

Do you want to change your name: I used to want to change my sirname, I went by a different one when I was younger but as it’s not legally my name we stopped using it. I was going to chage to it when i was old enough to not need parental permission but by then I have wayyyy too much paperwork in this name to be bothered to change it. But yeah my name is annoying and people get confused by it but at this point it’s just fun to mess with them :D 

What time did you wake up: somewhere between 9 and 10??

What were you watching at midnight last night: this damned laptop screen

Name something you can’t wait for: when i can see my dumb cat again

When was the last time you saw your mom: we skyped a few hours ago

What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I had more control over the symptoms of my illnesses.

What are you listening to right now: my fan whilst my brain is relentlessly singing a mashup of Formation and Flawless-it’s catchy but like i wanna seep in a bit shut up brain

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah one of my childhood friends is called tom, we catch up now and then

Something that is getting on your nerves right now: My inability to actually relax and do something fun for simple enjoyment?? I am actually incapable of it

Most visited website: This shit hole

Mole/s: no

Mark/s: I accidentally stabbed myself in my thumb so that has a lovely scar on it as it went through to the muscle. I also have two scars on my face from when I was a toddler but one people don’t really notice as it’s under my nose and the other is mistaken for a dimple as it is literally a small gauge out of my face. i think that’s it?

Childhood dream: Apparently I wanted to play violin to the sharks...I was an odd child...

Do you have a crush on someone: No

What do you like about yourself: I like to think I’m mildly amusing at least

Piercings: ONe in each ear lobe but I’m actually planning on getting another in the top of my left ear tomorrow. shall see if I actually do it hah

Blood type:I don’t actually know?? And apparently you can’t just get them to check despite the fact that I’ve had a blood test so it should be on record?? But yeha I dunno

Nickname: abby is a nick name, also abs, and hoenstly just make a sound near me and I’ll probably answer! I have a lot of very bizarre nicknames and I also respond to insults...i respond to mos t things weirdly

Relationship status: Single

Zodiac:Leo

Pronouns: She/her

Favorite TV show: pushing daisies, yuri on ice, merlin, brooklyn 99, parks and rec, god so many...i watch too much tv....

Tattoos: None but I like them. However have chickened out each time I had an opportunity. I frequently daydream about ones I woould like though.

Right or left hand: Right handed but i can actually use either hand for most things which i great wehn I’m working and one hand gets tired, my uni friends all hate me for it!

Surgery: nah

Hair dyed in different color: Have tried it but my hair doesn’t hold onto dye for more than about two weeks at most. who knows why? not me

Sport: I used to row but not anymore. I practise archery but haven’t been since christmas as I wasn’t well enough to drive there. I want to start up again as I now have a new bow

Vacation: I’m debating joining a friedn in spain for a few days near her birthday but dunno if it will plan out. but like a proper vacation pahaha what do you take me for?? an adult with money???

Pair of trainers: Only have one I actually exercise in as finding ones thta fit is hard as i have odd feet. i also have hiking boots and converses

Current and all-time best friend name: I have had best friends in the past but none have ended well so instead I simply have quite a few close friends ( like seriously I have a lot of poeple that are my friend sand I have no idea why becasue i am a disaster)

Eye color: blue

Favorite movie: errr so many....ever after, mulan, httyd, just so many i can’t think i don’t have favs ok?!

WHICH IS BETTER?

Hugs or kisses: have never really had a proper kiss so imma say hugs as I am secretly an octopus and will wrap myself around people when I want company (legit and I’m not a small person but people let me and it’s nice)

Lips or eyes: Eyes

Shorter or taller: *Both is good gif* both are excellent hugging options

Nice arms or stomach: *has just spent about 3 minutes randomly daydreaming about a variety of nice tummies and arms in detail* erm yes...

Sensitive or loud: Sensitive

Hook up or relationship: Relationship (though the thought of having a relaationship is also terrifying...)

Troublemaker or hesitant: errr fuck ok i am not good at deciding ok arghhh both is good D:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

Yourself: *looks at both my low self esteem issues and my tendencies to be supremely arrogant* juries out

Miracles: yes

Love at first sight: no

Santa Claus: Well i used to

Tagging *drum roll* yaaaa guessed it @showmethestarlight and @deaded123

overshare with me, my weird losers