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durmstrange · 4 years

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No Choice - George Weasley

Welcome back! This blurb is so cute but a little hurty, and I love it a lot.

Enjoy!

Word count: 1,556

An aching feeling in your heart refused to lighten as you watched the large group in the living room of the Burrow go over the plan once more. You felt numb, and so worried, as you clutched Molly Weasley’s warm hand tightly. She had become a mother to you long ago, when you had first met Fred and George in first year. You had lost your family, spare your uncle, during the first wizarding war, leaving you without a mother figure for most of your life. Molly changed everything for you, and was so pleased to find out that you and George started dating three years prior.

Now, you clutched her hand, with the other one resting on your slightly bloated stomach, protecting a secret only George, Tonks, and yourself knew of. You were two months pregnant, and you were waiting for the opportunity to tell the lot. Tonks was the first one to know, other than George, only because she confided in you about her pregnancy, and you did the same. You were due around the same time, and it was something that brought the two of you together.

Now, you watched in agony as the group of people you loved prepared to go on a mission both dangerous and nerve wrecking. Your eyes focused on George, because that is all you knew of, and you struggled to breath. You wanted to come along to get Harry from Privet Drive, but George would simply not allow it. You were old enough and well and able, but you suspected he told Mad Eye Moody of your pregnancy to be sure that you would not be involved.

The group stood, ready to leave for Privet Drive, and you swallowed hard. You dropped Molly’s hand as she moved towards Arthur, and George approached you. “Let me come,” you whispered as you grabbed him and pulled him close, burying your face into his clothes.

George smiled to you, entirely not phased by the situation at hand, like you were. “Not when you have the little one with you,” he murmured and rested a hand on your bloated stomach. You wore a large sweater and a jacket on top of that, and even then, you knew you were risking someone noticing. You couldn’t go much longer without others beginning to noticing.

You glanced around, to be sure no one was looking at the hand George had resting on your bloated stomach. You moved his hand quickly and frowned. “But what about Tonks? She is as far along as I am and she is able to go,” you whispered and glanced down at yourself. You looked far more pregnant than her. You had a feeling that there was more than one child in there, but you had yet to share that with George.

“She decided to go herself.” George shrugged and wrapped his arms around you, bringing you close and resting his chin on your head.

With an odd look, you moved so that he was forced to look at you. “Why don’t I get to decide then?” You asked him with a pout.

George laughed lightly. “Well, that is easy, love. Because I decided that you had no choice,” he told you as Fred approached the two of you. You moved from George’s arms and into Fred’s and sighed.

“I am going to be so worried about the two of you,” you mumbled into the man that became like your brother so quickly.

Carefully, Fred rubbed your back. “You know better than to be worried, little one. The Weasley twins always get out of trouble,” he told you with a wink. You sighed, and pulled away, letting your hands fall limply at your sides.

The group was moving towards the door. “Please, be safe.” You pleaded to the twins and stood on your toes to give Fred a quick kiss on his cheek. He retaliated, giving you his normal, comforting smile.

“Always am,” he answered cheekily and walked off to Molly. You looked at George with a stressed and beaten down look.

George smiled to you, taking your hands in his. He pulled you to him. “It will be fine. As Freddie said, the Weasley twins always avoid trouble,” he told you with a wide smile.

You scoffed. “Narrowly,” you muttered, but gave him a weak smile. You looked down at yourself again nervously, but with a small smile forming on your lips almost immediately.

Fred looked down as well, with a wide smile. “We will tell everyone tonight, when we all get back.” He spoke with such force, that you knew he was right. He leaned down and gave you a long, sweet kiss before moving away. “Hurry back,” you told him with worry evident on your face.

He gave you a wink. “Always. I love you.” He smile to you and gave Molly a quick kiss on her cheek.

“I love you,” you called back with a frown on your face. Ron gave you a quick hug, and Hermione kissed your cheek quickly. She glanced at your belly with a knowing smile, causing a blush to form on your face. You glanced down again and made sure that it was covered, and it was. Maybe you were more obvious than you thought, or Tonks let slip the secret.

Arthur looked at you with a loving smile and squeezed your shoulder lightly, leaving as well. Tonks winked as she gripped Remus’ hand. Soon, it was just you, Molly, and Ginny, sitting around the large kitchen table with frowns. You all held hands in a circle, not able to say a word, just remaining quiet and hopeful.

~.~

There was an odd sound outside, and quickly, all three of you stood and ran to the door. You peered outside, carefully at first, but Ginny was already out the door, launching herself onto Harry. Your heart ached lightly that it wasn’t your beloved George, but you were still happy as you hugged him after Ginny. He was freezing from landing in the water, but you didn’t care.

You hugged Hagrid next, who gave you the hairy grin you knew well. “I’m so glad you all are okay.” You spoke quietly and held his large hand in your own small ones.

“So am I,” Hagrid said in his heavy accent. You smiled lightly, and looked out onto the Burrow. There was another snap, and your stomach lurched once more. You stood carefully, nervously, shifting as Molly hugged Harry tightly. You saw Remus Lupin first, supporting a quickly changing Harry.

It felt as if your heart stopped as you watched the normal black hair turn to red, and grow taller. It was your George, and the side of his face was bloody. “George!” Your voice was shrill and worried, as both you and Harry ran for him. Harry supported his other side, and you lead the way into the Burrow, clearing the pillows from the couch, other than one for his head.

“My boy!” Molly whimpered and began examining him closely as you fell to your knees next to the couch, holding his hand tightly.

His eyes remained closed tightly and you squeezed his hand as hard as you could. “Georgie? Can you hear me, love?” You asked desperately and stroked his hair. You didn’t even listen to the commotion around you as you focused on George, and him responding to your voice.

It wasn’t until Fred ran into the house did you notice that almost everyone was now back. He fell onto the floor next to you, touching George’s face. “How you feeling, Georgie?” Fred asked and took your hand, squeezing it gently as you wiped the tears that had fallen earlier.

George opened his eyes again, smiling faintly. “I’m holy.”

“Pardon?” Fred asked with an odd look brandishing his face.

George smiled gently. “I’m holy. Get it, Fred? I’m holey,” George explained and weakly pointed to his ear.

Relief flooded through you as you put your head in your hands. He was going to be okay. He was going to live. Your mind was clouded with bad thoughts that could have happened. You could have been a single mother, raising possibly two kids alone, and being without the love of your life. If George was joking, then you knew he was all right.

“How does it feel, Fred?” George asked weakly. The group was huddled around, listening.

You looked up, just as confused as Fred. “What do you mean?” Fred asked with a confused grin on his face from his twin’s previous joke.

George smiled and placed his hand on your shoulder, not strong enough to squeeze it. “How does it feel to be an uncle?” George asked and opened his eyes once more to watch Fred’s reaction.

Silence overcame the room as everyone began to process what George said, then there was a mix of gasps and cheering. Fred launched himself onto you, bringing you to your feet and hugging you tightly. Before you knew it, the entire Weasley clan, along with Harry, Hermione, and Hagrid all took turns hugging you and hugging George.

It was a dark situation, but it was okay. For once, it was okay.

#george weasley #george weasley x reader #george weasley fanfic #george weasley imagine #George Weasley fanfiction #durmstrange #george wealsey imagine #george wealsey x reader #george weasley fanfic #george weasley fanfiction #harry potter #Harry Potter fanfic #Harry Potter fanfiction #hogwarts

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codedredalert · 4 years

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abandoned lawsan fantasy magic royalty arranged marriage fic excerpt

(Earlier this year, I made a deal with @yukino-ks that I'd trade x words of my abandoned lawsan bigbang attempt depending on their exam results. They got 2.6k off me and I've been terribly slow in getting an excerpt I can actually show people. (There's a reason I abandoned over 20k and several editing passes.) It's unbetad and WIP and just an excerpt of a longfic so it has some notes mixed in, but I finally have something I'm willing to let see light of day. Sorry I took so long, and congrats on doing well!)

Warnings: forced marriage, dark themes, magic coercion (I mean, Doffy exists), general background awfulness, but hey cute heart pirates interaction

The engagement ring sat heavy on Sanji's finger, warm with his own body heat and with the faint power of Law's magic. A pale blue stone on a white-gold band, the crisp blank sky of winter finally breaking, the white-blue of lightning, of a glacier cracking as it falls into the sea.

Law on the marble floor collapsed when the King Donquixote no longer deigned to puppet his broken body with the betrothal ceremony finished.

Absently, Sanji played with the ring, conscious of the feel of it against his skin, how it changed how he moved his hand. He wondered if Law was awake and about, or if he was still in the deep healing sleep that prompted his servants to close ranks and politely ask Sanji to leave. He wondered if he could ask, or if that would destroy the tentative sort-of friendship they'd started to form before the cruel proceedings of the day before. Sanji had followed his first instinct was to help, to kneel beside Law and help him bear up his weight on fractured bones, to help him back to his tower— it might have done more harm than good. Law was a proud man, and Sanji had inadvertently wounded his pride.

A knock on the door dragged Sanji from his thoughts.

"Yes?" he asked, dropping his hand to his side and standing. The person at the door merely knocked again, so Sanji opened the door.

It's Law, his hair messy and in simple sleeping clothes, dark, soft, and formless. His symbol is emblazoned across his chest in yellow. A hint of bruising and the peek of a bandage shows where the fabric drapes off Law's prominent collarbones.

A stab of pity and empathy and solidarity goes through Sanji, and the hand he has on the handle of the door goes numb as it grips harder, where Law cannot see.

"Come with me," said Law. He started moving away, giving Sanji space to enter the corridor.

Sanji raised a brow and the oddly visceral feelings evaporated instantly.

"Good morning to you too," replied Sanji, even as he followed and closed the door behind him. It melded back to the stone wall, perfectly hidden. "Go with you where?"

"Kitchens." Law's walking gait was slower and shorter than usual, and uneven though he still stood tall. It was almost like yesterday hadn't happened, except for the glimpse of pale metal and yellow stone on his hand.

"Oh, you're wearing it," came out of Sanji's mouth before he realised how stupid that sounded. He couldn't let his guard down just because his bleeding heart had gone out to Law when it turned out that the Crown Prince was very human behind all the rumours.

Law blinked at him in surprise, lifting his hand to look at the ring, as if he'd forgot it was there, like it'd always been there and he had only just noticed.

"Yeah," he said, looking away a bit too quickly. "This way."

===/\===

A set of heavy wooden doors opened to a cosy kitchen, packed to full with people seated at a long wooden table, laden with plates and bowls of sweet oat porridge, flatbreads, steamed buns, eggs and bacon and beans, with savoury rice porridge, with noodles— cuisines from all over. Sanji barely had a moment to take it all in as everyone at the table jumped up, cheering and clapping.

"Welcome to His Highness' lover!" someone hooted and loud laughter ensued, whistles and cheering resounded. Someone shoved a champagne flute into his hand and another someone all but dragged him to the bench where somehow the rest of the table squeezed to make space for him.

"Congrats on being a bad influence on His Highness," the redhead who dragged him to the table said cheerily as he squeezed his chair in to reach the table. "Bread roll?"

Sanji took one and it was good bread, a crust which crunched lightly under his fingers, soft fluffy insides when he broke it open and placed it on his plate.

"Bad influence?" asked Sanji, bewildered by the ruckus. He looked round for Law, and found him standing just behind his left shoulder. Law nodded, sipping from a bright yellow mug which he hadn't been holding a moment before.

"You defied Doflamingo," Law explained.

Oh, they had to be referring to the sarcastic backtalk Sanji had made when the giant pink-feather fashion disaster tried to get him to report on Law's comings and goings. So Law had been conscious for that. Sanji was suddenly very glad he'd decided to mouth off instead of try to pretend to play along. Besides, it had been a clever comeback.

"Anything that pisses off the King Asshole, or any of the assholes over in the Toybox, makes you alright with us," the redhead elaborated, dumping half a plate of greasy bacon on Sanji's plate.

"And if you can get our prince to eat, everyone will love you," the person seated on the redhead's other side said. It was the man with the white and black hat, who had taken a half-unconscious Law from Sanji and barked out orders to the other servants before politely asking Sanji to leave. He frowned as the redhead took the rest of the bacon, stacking the empty plate beneath his own. "And dammit Shachi, I wanted some."

"Not my fault your food scramble game is weak, Peng. Ask Ikkaku to pass some, there's another plate on the other end of the table," Shachi said unapologetically. The man in the hat rolled his eyes, but turned and yelled down the other end of the table for the bacon.

Sanji took a moment to process all this and looked back to Law.

"You don't eat?" asked Sanji, incredulous.

"I do."

"Coffee isn't food," Peng recited almost like a proverb as he put some bacon on his plate. He did not offer it to Shachi.

For a moment, Law didn't answer, and then pointedly, he sipped his coffee. It was so bratty and childlike that Sanji nearly choked trying not to laugh.

Peng rolled his eyes and looked to Sanji.

"You see what we have to work with?" he said, as if Law couldn't hear them. "The list of what he eats could be written on your palm."

Now if that weren't a challenge Sanji couldn't refuse—

"Write it down for me and give me free reign of a kitchen," Sanji replied. "And I'll see what I can do."

"You don't have to," Law started to say, just as Peng grinned and said "Done!", reaching over Shachi's plate to shake Sanji's hand.

Sanji shook on it, excited for the chance to cook again for the first time since coming to Dressrosa. Law rolled his eyes, but fondly. If he'd really wanted to, he could order otherwise. It was… nice, that he let this go.

"Do you think I could try some?" asked the huge polar bear toy seated on Law's other side. Sanji startled, still not quite used to toys talking, but Law's hand just went up to pat the toy bear on his nose.

"You can't eat, Bepo. Otherwise I have to operate on you again and wash out your stuffing." Law paused. "I don't know why you like it anyway. It's not like you can taste it."

"It looks pretty and everyone else gets to eat. I feel lonely."

Law patted Bepo on the nose again comfortingly.

"It's not that great," said Law. He finished his coffee.

Sanji resolved then and there to make Law eat those words with dinner.

===/\===

[More conversation, Shachi and Bepo are escorting Sanji back to his room. Originally, I had fun worldbuilding stuff about how much Law hates the tower and Bepo's origin story but it's not relevant in the excerpt.]

"What's that?" asked Sanji. In a short joining corridor between this homey servant's kitchen and the lonely tower and its rooms which lock from the outside, there was a space where he could see a sliver of sky, and a splash of colour below.

"What's what?" asked Shachi. Sanji gestured over the side of the open down to a sort of courtyard garden, with flowering plants grown in elaborate patterns so from the top down, they formed complicated motifs and images of a strange ship breaking the waves, a treasure chest and a heart.

"It's pretty, right?" said Bepo cheerfully. "His Highness does it himself, he moves the flowers around when he's had a bad dream. He says it makes him feel better."

There was space, paths amongst the flowers, a couple of benches and a small pavilion, along with the little pond and irrigation system and lights.

"It's Law's garden, then," said Sanji, an idea coming to mind. "Say, is there a table in that pavillion?"

===/\===

[Sanji cooks dinner for Law and they have a nice romantic dinner in the pavillion but Law Does Not Care about food and that is honestly kind of upsetting for Sanji. I had to cut my favourite part of the entire fic out and that hurtie just a bit.]

"If you've had enough of forcing me to eat—" Law said, and Sanji wanted to snap at that, but Law managed to finish his sentence first. "Do you want to take a walk?"

"I thought you had work to do?" replied Sanji, a little coldly, but Law didn't seem to notice. He shrugged.

"It can wait, I'll be up late tonight anyway."

They walk. The air is cold, and clouds roll through the courtyard sometimes, wisp and damp and cold. The courtyard meets the side wall of the castle, and on the other side is the steep drop into a distant dark fog.

It didn't take long to walk the entirety of the courtyard, small as it was. They sat on the lone bench, it was dewy with the condensation of the clouds and the rapidly cooling night.

"So, with all this, I take it you want to try and act like lovers," commented Law.

It was more a judgment than a question. Sanji stiffened, was Law going to make fun of him?

"Not with that attitude," Sanji retorted. His hand went to his pocket for his cigarettes. He lit one, agitated and feeling like the effort he'd put into making the evening nice was, all in all, a nett waste.

Law considered Sanji without taking any offence.

"I'm not interested anyway. Don't get me wrong," Law added quickly, a hand outstretched as Sanji sat straighter, half-way to standing and walking away. "You're plenty attractive, and if it's sex you want, I could show you a good time."

"You know the meaning of the word?"

Law ignored his interjection.

"It's the… other things," he continued calmly. "The holding hands and fancy dinners and being sentimental. I'm not good at that. I'm not going to stab you if you look at another man, and I'd prefer the same vice versa."

Sanji looked at him flatly.

"What."

"It's common enough around here that there's a proverb that... never mind, the explanation is too long. The point is, if romance is what you're hoping to get out of this marriage, I'm going to disappoint. I can put up with it a little bit but not for long."

"Why the marriage, then?"

Law's head snapped to him sharply. His expression made him look more angry than confused, though his tone when he spoke was confused.

"I told you, after the ceremony," Law said, as if he expected Sanji to remember every detail said when Law had been crumpled on the floor and bleeding through his engagement suit. "We both got signed away without having any say in it. I thought we had an understanding, and I'm surprised you want something more. I mean, it's…" He couldn't seem to find an adjective for it. "Well. it's something. That you want to try. I'm flattered."

"You couldn't refuse this marriage?" asked Sanji, processing this new information. If it were true, that made Law more a fellow prisoner than a bored and slightly sympathetic jailor. That changed everything, it meant Sanji had more allies than he thought. Still— "But you tried. That time before the betrothal ceremony. You told the King you're not marrying anyone."

"And that clearly worked," Law retorted snidely. His glowing yellow eyes were less friendly now. "So, is that what you thought of me? And all this— the aid, the kindness, the food— was this you bending backwards to keep me happy? So I don't call off the engagement and leave you to face your family's wrath for losing a valuable alliance?"

He was angry, and right. Some of it had been a little calculated, so what? Sanji had nothing here, no rights of magic to stand on, no support, and people who would die if he stepped one toe out of line. That didn't mean he couldn't want something, anything, to make the days more bearable. That maybe, though married to a man he'd never met before, he might have something which passed for love.

"Not… exactly. You already know my situation, and besides, I'm meant to be an insult," explained Sanji, grim. He hadn't expected to speak of this, and it was harder than he thought. "You're the Crown Prince, you should have married my sister, or at the very least the eldest son. Not—" the third son who has no magic to speak of. "Not me. So, you're right. I'm at your mercy. But you've been decent. So I thought. Well. We could be friends at least."

It took a moment but Law's glare softened, pacified.

"Don't worry about that part so much. The insult bit— we know. Doflamingo thought it was hilarious. He wants to parade you around until you're the very symbol of the Germa and your father will be associated with you."

A pause.

"Not liking that much either, " Sanji said, voice flat.

"He has a shit sense of humour," agreed Law. "Your being fair-haired and a smoker is partly why he agreed, I'm sure. Or he wouldn't have forced me to give you that cloak."

Speaking of the cloak, Sanji remembered the package he'd put in his bag. He fished it out, and offered it to Law.

"You can have this back,'' said Sanji.

"You don't like your betrothal gift?" asked Law, but Sanji noticed he was quick to take the offered cloak in hand.

"It seems important to you."

… No answer, but Law draped the cloak around his own shoulders. It dwarfed him much like it had dwarfed Sanji. It seemed to be made for someone closer to the King's stature.

"I was under the impression you're not that fond of the King," Sanji commented.

For a second, it seemed like Law would not respond. Head bowed and eyes closed, with the great cloak around him, he looked small and lost in memory.

"His brother." said Law without opening his eyes, and he drew the coat tighter around himself with his hands. "My benefactor."

He brought the sleeve up against the white light of the garden lamp.

"See?" said Law, and his expression was so gentle that for a moment Sanji felt like he shouldn't have seen it, like it was some secret thing he had no right to. "The deep purple, almost black. It's hard to see, but it's there."

Sanji tore his eyes from Law's face to look at the shadows of the cloak. Sure enough, there were purple sparks, almost lost in the brighter pink.

"I see it."

"It's not a powerful type of magic," said Law, voice wistful. "I used to disdain it myself, when I was a child. This particular one is Silent Night— it blocks out noise to give the wearer a— a peaceful sleep."

Law's voice tripped over his words and he lowered the coat, curled over it, for a second he was so overcome with emotion he couldn't speak. Sanji averted his eyes, looking out over the gardens. The pale shapes of the white and yellow flowers in the white garden lights, and the distant moon. The flat blades of the leaves and the washed out mosaic tiles.

"This—" Law's hands tightened on the cloak in Sanji's peripheral vision. "Means a lot. More than you could know. ...Thanks."

It was awkward, but then, Law seemed the type unaccustomed to thanking others.

"You're welcome," Sanji said simply, and they sat together in silence late into the night.

#lawsan #trafalgar law #black leg sanji #opfic #one piece #heart pirates #bepo #penguin one piece #shachi one piece #you cant write law without talking about corasan it cant be done #my writing #mine #yukino-ks

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dreamcatcherjiah · 5 years

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Part 4

WARNING: IN THIS EPISODE THERE ARE MENTIONS OF EXTREME PAIN AND DEATH IS HINTED AT (VERY LIGHTLY) BUT IT MIGHT BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME. IF YOU WANT TO READ ON, DO SO RESPONSIBLY.

I RECOMMEND LISTENING TO THE ORCHESTRA VERSION OF BLACK SWAN WHILE READING TO THIS PART, IT WILL ONLY INCREASE THE FEELINGS I WANT TO EVOKE💖

The concert had ended, and with it went the energy that you had been feeling for most of it. You felt as if you were some sort of mechanical toy that had been unplugged from the electricity you so desperately needed. With every step you took away from that stage, your eyelids felt heavier, your heart pulled on your ribcage and it was growing increasingly difficult to lift your legs and walk.

“Y/N-ah you look just like you did this morning,” Hyejin’s voice reached your ears, making you feel like she was being filtered through some hazy membrane and her voice was too low to hear, “you’re getting paler and paler. Maybe we should take a detour and get someone to look at you…?”

Her worried expression made you instantly regret having lied to her and having attended the concert today. You were in no condition to go there and impose your sickness on her, but who knew that you would experience that temporary high? And who knew that as soon as it passed you would end up feeling worse than ever? Certainly, not you. You urged your lethargic brain to work overtime and think of a good enough excuse that would allow you to get home sooner, no unnecessary detours. It wasn’t great, but you did come up with something, and not particularly a lie.

“I just get really nervous around big crowds, I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic right now…”

With that skeptical look that you’ve grown to be accustomed to, she frowned and took a hold of your forearm, as if she was trying to say ‘you may be as stubborn as you like, but I’m not letting you out of my sight.’

Little by little you made your way out of the stadium, and little by little, you felt life draining from your body. It started little, like the euphoric feeling that had possessed you mere hours ago. Your heart started feeling chilled, and that cold began spreading through your ribcage. You could feel every rib on fire, and then they would start melting and freezing slowly, making you agonise in pain. If you weren’t sure that your bones couldn’t bend at will, you would have sworn that those same ribs were contorting in a struggle to see which one of them could reach your heart sooner and end your painful existence. Then from the ribs, it reached your spine and you could feel molten lava licking each and every one of your vertebrae. You could see the arch that signalled you leaving the Olympic Stadium clearly enough, but your vision blurred as it was approaching. But no, your body wasn’t willing to give you a respite; if it was willing to do that, it would have done so months ago. Each step you took, you could feel your weight shifting from your frame into Hyejin. In the back of your head, you felt incredibly guilty, but you couldn’t bring your brain to focus in anything else that wasn’t the pain you were feeling for longer than a few seconds. Your last remnants of sanity happened to focus on a little stone bench next to one of the vehicle exits of the stadium, and instantly that became your goal and your lifeline. Hyejin was now screaming in the background, her hands touching your forehead to keep your head from bobbling to the side and coming away wet with cold sweat. But you just saw that bench. You felt like walking through sand but eventually arrived there. Your limbs fell flat against the cold surface, while Hyejin lifted your legs and looked around frantically. As you lost the power to keep your head straight, your vision shifted from the starless sky towards the less and less people milling about the stadium after the concert finished; they were all leaving to go home, the closest person too far away to hear Hyejin’s call for help, and the stuff too distracted to do anything.

Funny how after so many years of constant pain, you never thought that same pain would end up killing you. Granted, you were still breathing, but for how much longer? The pain had reached your head now, you thought, as a flash of pain rushed from the back of your head to your left eye, and then did a victory lap around your brain. Was this how it felt like to have your brain torn apart? Poor mummies, having them pulled out of their nose. Was the liquid dripping over your cheek your melted brain? Ah, no, you realised. It was just blood, blood that tainted Hyejin’s hands when she tried to stop the bleeding with tear-filled eyes.

You wanted to tell her that everything would be okay, to give you some pill that would make you feel numbness again and to go home, but your mouth wasn’t cooperating. Nothing in your body was cooperating for that matter. You could feel the bile rising from your stomach, but once it went pass your throat you couldn’t feel anything anymore. You didn’t even realise your friend had turned you sideways until your left arm went across your chest and hung there, lifeless. Hyejin must have thought that sitting you up would be a good idea, keeping all the fluids in and as soon as she did, you felt the tugging from your ribs intensifying. The fact that you could feel anything anymore startled you out of your pain induced stupor. Now with your back turned to the stadium you could feel the strongest desire in your soul to get up and return inside. And then you felt stupid, how could your inside be demanding something as taxing as impulsing yourself off the bench was actually ridiculous.

You were really loosing your grasp in reality back then. You couldn’t tell if your eyes were opened or closed, and you could swear you were hearing voices, not belonging to your friend, that much was obvious. A cacophony of sounds coming from all directions, screaming at you and at each other. You could distinguish blurred words here and there, and if you concentrated hard enough, you almost could feel a calming touch in your face. Maybe Hyejin sprouted another hand when I wasn’t looking? What a curious thing to investigate, maybe scientist would be interested. It certainly would make multitasking much more easy.

Blacking out would be so easy now, the only thing you had to do was block the voices and ignore the tingling in your ears trying to make sense of Hyejin’s panicked screams. Maybe if you closed your already closed eyes, the darkness beyond darkness would take you and everything… would stop… hurti

Jin was worried. Incredibly so. They were still backstage, six of them already dressed and ready to go looking for the damsel, but Hobi was making the task complicated. It started lightly, with him sweating profusely even though the stylists kept drying it away. Then it was him clenching his teeth at the slightest movement. And now it was spiralling out of control.

“I’m telling you this shit is NOT normal!” Shouted Jungkookie while supporting Hoseok’s head so that it didn’t crash against the wall.

“I don’t care if it’s normal or not!” Screamed back Jimin, more scared than angry, “If this girl is leaving the stadium we need to get Hoseokie hyung in a car and out of the stadium now! Don’t you see what the withdrawal is doing to him?!”

“What withdrawal…?” Whispered Hoseok, almost as if his voice was fighting its way back into his throat.

“It makes sense if you think about it though,” mused Namjoon, pushing Hoseok to his feet and manoeuvring him towards the exit, “this is the closest you two have ever been that we know, and it would be logical that your symptoms worsen once you separate again.”

“I don’t care much for these symptoms at the present moment, Namjoon-ah… I feel with one foot on the grave already, I just need to get to her…” answered Hobi back.

The other six men looked at each other in panic. How bad was the pain getting that he wasn’t joking about but telling them he felt half dead?

“Don’t be silly,” chastised Jin, trying to lighten up the mood.

“His symptoms aren’t as bad that they would kill him, right?” Whispered Yoongi, worry colouring his voice and leaning into Jin, who patted his back.

Jin wasn’t about to say it out loud. The fact that maybe the pain wasn’t real, didn’t have a physical ailment causing it, but there was still a nagging at the back of his head that didn’t allow him to speak and put his brother’s mind at ease. Maybe the symptoms weren’t the real danger, but would his heart stand such intense bouts of pain for much longer, or would it just give up? He hoped they could beat the clock and find this girl before any of those fighting hearts decided they couldn’t stop suffering anymore.

Their walk to the car was excruciating, so much so that Jungkook had to support Hoseok from the side Namjoon wasn’t holding. He stumbled over his feet, crashed against door jambs and walked blindly in the direction of the car. Namjoon could be heard swearing under his breath every time his hand nocked against something hard to protect Hobi’s ribs; he was in enough pain already.

“How are we going to organise the rides? I don’t feel comfortable having only one of us with Hobi hyun… can you see the thread, TaeTae?” Questioned Jimin.

Taehyung stayed silent, looking in the direction of the vehicle exit and seeing how the red line went straight through the wall. She was out there, she could be on the other side of the city by then, for all they knew. How could they reach her when Hoseok hyung was in such a poor state?

He was about to answer something back to Jimin when he could hear some voices pass the exit. They were trying to calm a hysterical woman that couldn’t stop screaming. Curious, he separated from the group that were trying to coerce Hobi into the car when he wasn’t collaborating at all, and got closer and closer to the screams.

A girl, small and nervous was standing next to a couple of their bodyguards, trying to move one of them from the door and drag him away from the garage. Tears were streaming down her face, her hair in disarray and her headband crooked atop her head. The men were trying their hardest not to be too harsh with her, that much was obvious, but the poor woman was way past the point of caring, screaming her lungs out.

“My friend passed out, she’s almost stopped breathing, please!! She’s bleeding from her ears and nose!”

Looking in the direction she was trying to drag the men, Taehyung saw a figure laying in a bench, a few meters away from them. Her limbs were numbly hanging at her side and her hair fell from the ponytail, Mang headband bloody and laying on the ground. Oh, and the red line of fate disappearing into her back.

“NAMJOON HYUNG!” He screamed, running back to the car and grabbing Namjoon by the arm. “TAKE HOBI HYUNG OUT NOW.” His eyes were wide as saucers and the tension was palpable.

“What so you want Tae? We can’t afford loosing time now!” Stopped Yoongi, now feeling the stress and the fear touching him.

“NEITHER CAN MANG GIRL! HER FRIEND IS LOOSING IT OUTSIDE, SHE FAINTED!”

Those few words seemed to do the trick. Namjoon and Kook turned immediately on their heels, moving Hoseok out of the van, almost unconscious as well, and ran with him almost carrying him to the vehicle exit. The members of Bangtan following behind saw how Hoseok suddenly got free from the hold of his brothers and stood groggily looking around himself. He caught his bearings in a few seconds, enough to start walking, not knowing why or where he was going, but just walking.

Taehyung and Jin caught Jimin’s arms at the same time when he tried to help Hoseok. Now it was him, getting closer and closer, guided by an invisible pull that took his will away from him. Then he saw the girl in the bench and his world went out of his axis. She was starting to stand up, a hand flying to her head. She was standing now, fast approaching blindly the spot where Hobi had been rooted since he saw her. He was just waiting for her eyes to open. What was pain anymore? If she would just look at him, if their eyes would just meet. Then everything would be alright again.

They were mere meters apart, there was no one else in the world except for those people who needed each other just like they needed oxygen. What would happen when that pressure both of them were feeling pulling on their ribcages ended, when their hearts met in the middle, the closest they had ever been?

Their breath was stuck in their throats, both afraid to look up because they were both clueless about what was happening. She just kept walking towards him, her eyes closed but her course clear, not needing to open them to see him. She must have felt her presence just as clearly as he was feeling hers, from the tip of her nose to the hair in the nape of her neck, going through every nervous ending of her body. Feeling her closer and closer, he raised his hand forward, their fingertips millimetres apart as a current went through their bodies and their eyes opened.

Cristal clear they were seeing each other face to face for the first time, eyes wide open as their hands intertwined and they took a deep breath at the same time. They saw every detail of the face of their soulmate, memorising it beyond reason, beyond possibility. Without them deciding to, they got closer and closer, and they fused in a hug, putting their hearts closer than they had ever been, beating in unison and feeling beyond euphoric, together for the first time and for the rest of their lives.

💞Tight Hearts (Idol!Hoseok x Reader)

Plot: The red string of fate was visible when our grandparents were children. They would play around, following the strings from one person to their soulmate and laugh happily when these two people inevitably found each other. It was a reason for happiness. But little by little, people stopped seeing the threads. In bad times, it was dangerous, it was a liability, so people stopped seeing them to protect each other from harm. When I was born, nobody saw them anymore, they just felt their soulmate. Anxiety, happiness, sorrow, love, the hearts of the soulmates are one, feel the same things, but it is almost impossible to find your soulmate, now that the threads cannot be seen.

Tight Hearts Masterlist

Part 4

A/n: OMG this took me the hardest time to edit!! I just couldn’t get their feelings right, but I hope it ended well!!! I hope you guys liked it!! Let’s chat!!

Send me an ask if you want to be added to the tag list.

Love 💜🌙

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doppelgangerjoelle · 5 years

Text

Of Gods and Men

I got an idea last night and ended up writing 2K words but then I didn’t want to write a whole long fanfic leading up to it (this is basically the end) so I’m just gonna give you a quick synopsis and what I wrote. The summary spoils the writing so read it before or after, I don’t care. I don’t have time to make this a whole fic at the moment. it’s soukoku and get’s slightly naughty at the end but not too much

Context: Chuuya is contacted by the gods asking him to return to their realm as a calamity deity required to complete the cycle of life. They offer to return the power to it’s full glory. Chuuya learns the god that humans named Arahabaki was sent to Earth to bring destruction as part of a ‘divine plan’ until it was captured and sealed by humans. Dazai gets wrapped up in it because he has a ‘divine gift’, being the only one in this generation who can control the power of a god when sealed in a vessel, something humans took advantage of when capturing Arahabaki the first time. Essentially Dazai’s ancestor is the one who sealed it in the first place and the gods recognize the soul having reincarnated into him. The gods summon them to the celestial plane where Chuuya points at the void and yells at the gods. Dazai, who is still very much mortal, suffers under the power of the celestial plane and can barely stand the whole time. In the end it turns out Arahabaki willingly submitted to the ancestor and was sealed away so they didn’t have to hurt anyone anymore until the seal was broken. Arahabaki chose it’s vessel because he was a scared and lonely child. The Chuuya we know is really just Arahabaki without his memories (because Rimbaud had stolen then when he stole part of his power) and raised as a human, he was never separate from him. Making them realize gods and humans weren’t so different after all.

“What will happen if I accept your offer? I become a god again?” Chuuya shouted into the void. The ‘land’ beneath his feet did not move even as he stomped with his ability. The bluish white glow around them only shined a little brighter as his power.

“You will regain your true form, leaving your mortal vessel behind.” The voice responded, from everywhere and nowhere at once.

“Right here? On Earth?! Where billions of people are living?! There’s a giant hole in the city where Arahabaki stood for mere minutes! And it was weakened from being sealed. Just how much fucking damage would happen if that came back at full power?!”

“The entire land where you stand would be destroyed, but it is necessary.”

“How much land?! The city? The whole prefecture?!”

“The resurrection of the calamity deity would likely return your island to the depths from whence it came.”

The color drained from the man’s face as his eyes widened as far as they could, jaw going slack. The man on the ground behind him shook, just as shocked as he.

“That’s almost two hundred million people.” He barely heard himself say, only speaking just above a whisper.

“On a cosmic scale, humans are nothing but specks of dust. Insignificant.”

“You’re comparing humans to dust?! Living, breathing people?!”

“Do you miss every rock you kick on the road? Do you mourn every insect you step upon? Do you feel guilt for each blade of grass cut?”

“If I were once one of them, yes, I would. And even if I didn’t, I know they exist so they are important.”

“You do not comprehend the scale in which we exist in. We are gods, humans’ lives are but a blink compared to ours.”

“Do you, too, not look small compared to something greater than you?”

The voice did not answer.

“Even the smallest insect has it’s own life. It knows the world is so much greater than it will ever know but it does not stop it from living. Just because we are bigger we do not deserve to live any more than it does.”

“You are one who has slain his own kind out of a lust for power and greed, and yet you speak of respecting the life of something less than you?”

“Yea, I know how it sounds. And I know what I’ve done is terrible, and nothing I do will ever make up for it. But there’s stuff I can do now to make people’s lives better and I want to do it. I don’t want to leave them behind when I know I can help them. I don’t want to leave people that need me.”

“Even when you will be helping the greater good of all existence?”

“You want me to be a harbinger of destruction of a cosmic scale, that’s not exactly the kind of job I’m looking for.”

“Creation needs destruction. As life needs death. The cycle must continue.”

“You want me to murder innocent people, including all other living beings, just to join your almighty party.”

“We are only asking you to do as you always have. Just because you are trapped within a vessel of flesh does not absolve you of the actions of the god within. Of the memories you have lost.”

“Will I get all those memories back? Who fucking knows how long of destroying everything so you all can rearrange it again however you damn well please? And what about my life as a human?”

“You will likely forget such useless memories. As we will forget this whole discussion. In the grand scheme of things, it is pointless.”

Chuuya scoffed, giving a half crazed, half defeated laugh.

“Do gods even have feelings? Do they know love? Do they feel pain?”

“We have no such need for them. We only feel pain through vessels when we walk the Earth, but we do not usually feel their emotions.”

“Then you could never understand. You could never comprehend humans, and hell, I’m sure bugs have more fucking compassion and empathy than you’re capable of! You say you created created us then why did you give us such “useless” things, huh?! Why let us have feelings at all?”

“We did not give them to you. You developed them on your own.”

“Then why didn’t you? In all your infinite years why did you never learn to care about anything? Is it because if you cared then you know you couldn’t just keep resetting all of creation? You couldn’t keep killing everything you ever made when it started to fall apart? Because you knew it was your fault.”

Once again, the voice was silent.

“Did you ever consider the ones that made you took all those feelings away so you wouldn’t make the same mistake they did? That even when you became corrupt and flawed they couldn’t destroy you.”

When no response came Chuuya inhaled a deep breath, air burning in his chest. When he exhaled smoke followed. When he continued he sounded surprisingly calm.

“You never told me why Arahabaki was on Earth in the first place. How does a god get captured and sealed by humans? Why, of all things, did he choose me as a vessel? I was just a child.”

Chuuya growled when the voice remained silent, but before he could speak again it finally answered.

“Pity. Perhaps even... mercy.”

“Are you telling me the god responsible for destroying things felt bad for the things it had to destroy? One of the beings with supposedly no feelings.”

“We were not given feelings. But neither were you humans. It is... anomalous.”

This time his laugh really did sound unhinged.

“Yea, most people get second thoughts when they have to stare into the eyes of something begging for its life. Especially when that something doesn’t understand that there’s a ‘big picture.’ I’m not even so heartless to feel nothing. There’s no joy to be had in murder, a fight, I understand. But death, no. There’s no meaning in death. You say life can’t exist without death but why should it be rushed? Why should someone decide when it comes? Why can’t it just happen? Just like how learned to feel, why can’t we just let death come when it does?”

Chuuya could feel a long explanation coming, so with a sigh he continued before the voice could answer.

“Look, say I agree and give up my mortal body. What happens if Arahabaki comes back, looks what has happened after sitting pretty in my body for 15 years and decides it wants nothing to do with you gods anymore?”

“The being you call Arahabaki is not something separate from you. The flesh may be your vessel but you are one in the same. You assimilated with the human child whose body you chose, losing all memory in the process. Shedding the vessel will simply return your previous power and memories.”

“Wait...” Chuuya looked down at his bare palms. “Are you telling me I’m what happens if one of you is stripped of all your power and stuck in mortal flesh?”

“A crude way of putting it, but that is correct.”

“But I’m human. Don’t you understand that? I’m human!”

“We explained before that you-”

“No you don’t get it. You said you don’t have emotions, you weren’t given them. But I am one of you and I have them. We’re the same. We’re exactly the same but that almighty power or whatever just goes to your head!”

Watching Chuuya point to the nothingness, Dazai couldn’t help but smile. What did it even mean to be human, he wondered. What separated us from insects or gods? The strength of our bodies? The scope of our understanding? If gods could love as humans, then what really made us so different?

If a god raised as a human could feel anger and fear and jealous and love, then why would all the beings in all the cosmos be incapable?

Maybe they just didn’t want to. Because with all those feelings came pain. Pain and suffering, and on a scale unimaginable. In a life so long they would hurt so much they would become numb. And perhaps they would forget what it felt like to feel anything different. Perhaps they would make themselves feel nothing.

But then, perhaps, one day they would feel again, sparked by something so small, so seemingly insignificant, than they would remember it all again. They would look into their heart and soul and it would all come flooding back. And they would try to stop the cycle they once helped continue only to remember why they let it in the first place.

They would feel anger and fear again. And there would come the pain. And then one day everything stopped.

Nothingness. No emotion, no pain, no thoughts. A void. Only to be thrust again amidst panic and fear. The small things hurting one another. Their screams. And the pain, the pain came again. It roared inside and it roared outside and everything was covered in a black flame. But just as soon as it started it stopped.

Bright blue eyes opened as the sun shined above. The dust had settled, the damage done. Alone and empty, he woke at the bottom of a pit. Such a small thing, so fragile. Driven by nothing but instinct he stood on his feet, wobbling. Not knowing the vastness of the universe, the creature who he was, nor the person who he would be become.

All he knew was that the sky was such an utterly captivating blue.

And he smiled.

“I can’t believe you just yelled at a god.” Dazai said, stretching his arms above his head.

“Well, I’m a god, too.” Chuuya huffed. “It’s only fair.”

“Ah yes, what a wonderfully powerful being you are. So utterly ethereal.”

Chuuya scoffed. “Yea! I’m a god so you should start respecting me! I should be worshiped!”

“Oh yes, my almighty Lord Chuuya.” Dazai grasped Chuuya’s hand as he bowed. He kissed up the back of his hand. “I will worship you how you deserve to be worshiped.”

He only made it halfway up Chuuya’s arm before his head was pushed away, grip still firm on his wrist.

“I will worship you ever day and every night.” He brought Chuuya’s palm to his lips. “I will devote myself to you.”

The ginger simply rolled his eyes.

“Will it please you if I give my body to you?” His tongue slipped between his lips to the slender fingers. “Will you accept me as your devote servant?”

Heat rose in Chuuya’s cheeks as well as his belly. He blocked his face with his free hand as the other was taken into Dazai’s mouth. He licked and sucked on each one.

“These hands are capable of so much destruction.” His tongue ran along one of his fingers. “I’ve seen you kill a man with your bare hands.” He took one finger into his mouth and slowly dragged it back out. “You could easily kill me. But you won’t.”

“I s-should...” Chuuya stuttered from behind his hand. His knees were shaking and he couldn’t help but notice the growing problem below.

“I would let you.” He kissed the palm once more. “I would be your willing sacrifice. Take my life as your own.”

“Can’t I just... do that while you’re alive?” He avoided Dazai’s eyes, unable to stand the heat in them. He felt the gasp against his palm.

“Chuuya!” He grasped Chuuya’s hand with both hands. “Is Chuuya proposing to me?!”

The red on Chuuya’s face spread as he gaped at the other, mouth hanging wide open.

“M-Maybe!” He desperately tried to pull his hand away. “If you get life insurance!”

“Chuuuuuyaaaaaaaa!!!!!!”

paypal me $30 and I will finish this [email protected] (it will probably be a 15K fanfic)

#bungo stray dogs #Nakahara Chuuya #Dazai Osamu #soukoku #fanfic

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crabsticksforbreakfast · 6 years

Text

Help! New York has stolen my boyfriend!

I haven’t written for a VERY long time, I know. The truth is, I tend not to need to when I’m happy, and happy I have been since I got together with my lovely S2 a year and a half ago. Of course there are difficult moments, especially when my brain does the thing and I get all anxious for stupid reasons, or he goes off script in some way and I don’t have a way to cope with it.

Right now, he is going off script, big time, and yes, I am struggling. Once I say what it is, some of you are going to say, “pffft, what the hell is the big deal”, but remember (a lot of people seem to forget) that each brain works differently. We all have our own fears and our own set of values that we assume other people share, or at least can understand.

So, what has he done? The answer is, he has gone to New York. Not forever (thank God), but it has sent me into a horrible spiral of anxiety, just as I knew it would when he very first told me about it. He has gone to support a school trip, and he will return on Tuesday. Here I am definitely sensing the “pfffft”, but hang on. Let me explain the many reasons why this messes with my brain.

My boyfriend and I are in some ways very similar creatures. We’re silly and childish with a weird sense of humour, we like being lazy and cuddling up together, we both LOVE music, we have similar views on life and what we want life to be, and we love going on adventures... together. Whether at home or away, I have become very used to having him at easy reach. We meet up every Wednesday after work for date night, and I stay at his parents’ house with him at weekends. When we go away, I drive us somewhere far away, deep in the countryside, usually, and we wander around together, totally content with each other’s company. I have a few friends, S2 has none, but we have never actually hung out with my friends or anyone else. It’s always just us, and I love that. He is my safe zone, my happy place. We always send each other morning texts with a precise amount of kisses, and after work, we text all evening until bedtime, often using the same phrases and bringing up the same in-jokes. It never gets boring, and I still get the same butterflies when his name pops up on my phone as I did in those heady and confusing days before we got together. I rely on our little routines to get through the day. I guess you could say I’m addicted to him and the way we do things - I’m addicted to being a part of a perfect pair, and not one thing in this world would tempt me to willingly walk away from that, even for a moment.

One Wednesday afternoon, I’d driven the forty minute drive from my work to his to pick him up. I don’t like the drive, but I do it whenever he asks me to (he usually catches the train and I collect him from a station closer to home) because I like to make things easy for him and because it means I can spend as much time with him as possible when he finishes late. When I pull up outside his school, I’m usually a little shaken as I’m a nervous driver and there are some scary roads on this route, and this day was no exception. When I saw S2, my little heart lit up and I gave him my usual greeting, a “helloooo”, a big grin and a kiss. We drove off into the town (more scary roads) and while I was driving, he told me something that could have easily made me crash my car - he had signed himself up to go on a school trip to New York during February half term. My heart sank, and these are the reasons why:

1. Half terms are the only times we get to spend any REAL chunks of time together. I didn’t want to miss out on this time that I enjoy so much. Looking forward to half term with S2 gets me through the term! As much as I love doing what I do, working in a school is exhausting and sometimes stressful. Even when we don’t go away on holiday, being with him is holiday enough.

2. We were meant to be looking for a place to live together. S2 had agreed to check out some caravans parks with me during February half term and I was so excited. I have always had two dreams in life. One is to be in a beautiful forever relationship with my perfect person - check! The second is to have my own home and move out of my mother’s house. I could see my dream on the horizon! And then it disappeared.

3. I felt hurt because his decision to go went against one of my own values - I would never, ever, choose to do anything when the alternative was spending time with S2. My friends all know that I will fit them in AROUND my timetabled S2 time. Even my own mother has (I think) finally come to terms with the fact that my weekends belong to S2, not her. When I have uni work, instead of doing it at weekends like I used to, I do some on my lunch break, and the rest in the evenings I’m not with S2. Any “fun” things wouldn’t even make it onto my agenda if it meant “fun, but without S2″. I felt so deeply disturbed that S2 was happily choosing to do something he didn’t actually HAVE to do at a time that he would have been with me. Even now, after knowing he has chosen to do this, I still stick to my values. Things have come up that have peaked my interest, but as soon as I’ve realised they are happening during S2 time, I forget about them. Someone could offer me an all expenses paid trip to Norway with guaranteed Northern Lights and my own little red cottage with mountain views and I’d still say no if it meant being away from S2. Priorities! I didn’t feel much like a priority when I heard what S2 planned to do...

So, feeling all of these things at once, but still trying not to crash my car, I went quiet. S2 noticed something was wrong and starting trying to ask me, so I started doing that annoying “woman” thing of saying, “I’m fine” when I really wasn’t fine at all. Realising it was about the trip, S2 started back-tracking, offering to pull out if I really didn’t want him to go. At this point, a whole bunch of other thoughts popped into my head, on top of the hurty feelings I mentioned above:

1. What the hell kind of bitch girlfriend would TELL her boyfriend he couldn’t do something he wanted to do? One of my all-time pet peeves is when people are controlling over their partners and try to impose rules on how they live their lives.

2. BUT I REALLY, REALLY didn’t want him to go! So how could I just lie and say it was fine when it felt like my heart was being jammed into a shredder?

3. Even if I did pretend it was all good in the hood, how long would it be before my mask fell off and S2 saw how upset I really was about it? And what would happen then? Would it change anything? And if it did change anything, how bloody guilty would I feel about it?

So, in my usual painfully awkward way, I bottled it all up until we got to his house, and as soon as he mentioned it to his parents (who were really thrilled about it) I went into shut down mode, realising I was failing terribly at not crying in front of everyone and locked myself in the bathroom for a panic. After this, I tried to put on a brave face and cook dinner like a normal person, but I couldn’t, and S2 wouldn’t stop looking at my eyes and trying to get me to talk about what was bothering me. If you’ve read my blog, you’ll all be very aware of how difficult I find it to actually talk about my feelings to the person those feelings involve. I ended up turning into a pitiful, crying mess, forcing out each excruciating word, which made me cry even more. Somehow I managed to express some of what I was feeling and obviously this made S2 feel so bad he wouldn’t stop holding me and telling me or hinting at his secret plans that should really have stayed secret in order to make me feel better. What those plans were is a whole different blog post, so I won’t go into details! I mean, sort of knowing his intentions with me did make me feel good, but it still didn’t make me feel better about this New York trip. By the end of the evening, he had uttered the forbidden word (love!!!) so many times I was on quite a high, and he had also said enough to make me think that he probably wouldn’t be chosen for the trip anyway, so I pushed it to the back of my mind for a week.

The following Wednesday, I made the same journey to pick him up from work, and I had almost forgotten about New York. But then, at exactly the same point on the map as last time, he mentioned it again... and this time it was worse. He was actually going. I can’t actually remember how I reacted. I think I was kind of numb. I guess I’d thought about it enough and kind of expected it deep down, so I managed to appear OK. Obviously I was broken into pieces, but I was also so emotionally tired that it didn’t show. Feeling guilty, S2 directed me to a nice restaurant (where we’d gone on our first date) and pulled out all the stops to make me feel better. Again, all very nice, but it didn’t change the fact that he was going...

Because I actually value my relationship and don’t intend to start messing it up, I have managed to keep up my brave face until now. I got all through Christmas and my birthday without letting the dreaded NY monster take over me. S2 talked about it, but not so much that it triggered my anxiety, and things just kind of bumbled along smoothly. I tried my best to stop seeing his choice to go as a direct insult, and that was probably the way I helped myself the most. I also talked it out with Binbag and Skittles, who both completely understood my feelings and offered their services to cheer me up while S2 was away. Before their offers, my plan had been to sit under my duvet and cry for five solid days, so I was grateful, despite knowing exactly how my mind would be dealing with (or not) my situation. Little did I know exactly how hard it would be, or what complications would come along to make things even worse.

Yesterday at around 4PM, I parked up and saw that S2 had texted me. He was just getting on the plane and promised to email me when he got to New York. A part of me was freaking out because AAAAGGGHHHH IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING, but the promise of his email was something to cling on to. I kind of knew roughly how long the flight would be, so had a time frame in mind where I expected to receive contact. Good. I could just about cope with this. I went home, decided I needed a Chinese, ate the Chinese and sat around watching rubbish TV until I felt tired enough to go to bed. That was around 10PM. I had already made sure my notifications were switched on so I’d be woken up at some point within the next few hours by S2′s “I’m here” text. Ignoring my obvious niggling anxieties about his plane nosediving into the ocean, or being shot by Donald Trump upon arrival, I drifted off into a pretty deep slumber.

Unusually for me, I didn’t wake up until about 4AM. At first, all I could think about was the weird dream I’d just had about trains and bicycles, but then it hit me. I hadn’t had my email! Surely he couldn’t still be on the plane? The flight would not have taken 12 hours, so surely he was already settled into his hotel and had had plenty of time to send me a quick email... Cue extreme panic! Cue sending myself copious nonsense emails to make sure my app was working! Cue desperately trying to Google something that gave me an indication of what had been going on with flights to New York! Cue taking to Facebook for reassurance from people who were definitely all still asleep! Cue crying, lots of.

The hours that followed were some of the most stressful and upsetting I have ever experienced. I don’t think I can even accurately explain what was going on in my head, but there was a lot of wildly swinging from “he probably just ran out of battery or can’t get WiFi” to “OMG HE’S DEFINITELY 100% DEAD AND I MIGHT AS WELL JUST JUMP OFF A BRIDGE NOW!” My brain was also giving me the horrible scenario of “maybe he just doesn’t really care all that much about you and decided not to contact you”. Great times. Great, tearful, wailing times, in the dark, all by myself!

I ended up posting in a travel group on Facebook I use frequently. I just wanted some kind words and reassurance, and I did get plenty. I also received some useful information/notions that I either didn’t know before, or hadn’t considered in my stressed-out state. They were:

1. Apparently WiFi in New York is terrible. Several said there aren’t really many free WiFi options available and they thought he probably hadn’t been able to contact me because of this.

2. There had been no reports of plane crashes or problems, so he was probably perfectly safe and alive. Several made a very valid point - if something had happened to a plane flying to New York, it would be all over the news in an instant.

3. Flights that long are tiring to the point he might have simply been too exhausted to make contact.

4. Being in charge of a group of kids, he might not have had the chance to grab his phone out of his pocket.

All of these ideas, as well as the many kind words and reassuring comments that people offered did help a little, but my brain was stuck so far into panic mode that it still wasn’t enough to calm me down and allow me to go back to sleep. I just needed contact. That was the only thing that could really help. And it wasn’t there.

A few hours later, time had moved forward while I had stayed still, and I received contact from S2′s mum, Diva, telling me not to worry, and this was just what S2 was like. But I knew differently! S2 was NEVER like that with me. There have been times when one or both of our phones have glitched out and contact has been lost, and I have spun off into a panic. S2 has learned that I need reassurance in these circumstances, so as soon as he realises something is wrong with the phones, he’ll get his mum to text me, or get on Facebook to message me instead. It stops me going crazy and assuming he suddenly hates me, which is a pretty common thing for me to do, unfortunately!

Anyway, so Diva’s comment didn’t really have the desired effect. In fact I started to question her mindset. Why wasn’t SHE worried that she hadn’t heard from him? Wasn’t that like a trademark thing for a mother to do? My mother worries about me if I go out in the next town and don’t contact her, so God only knows how she’d be if I jetted off to New York and didn’t touch base when I got there.

Another person we all used to work with ended up commenting too, and at first, her words were comforting. She echoed a lot of what was being said to me in the travel group. The problem was, other things were being said in the travel group that were triggering off other worrisome thoughts and giving me ideas, like, “you should contact the school/hotel to see if he has arrived”. I had tried Tweeting the school earlier, but unsurprisingly, no one was answering me at 4AM on the first Saturday of half term. So, the hotel... but what was it called? I don’t think S2 had ever told me the name of it, so I didn’t know what to look for. Thinking this was a great idea, I found one of Diva’s comments on my post and asked her if she new the name of the hotel. The first response came from the other person who’d commented and it shocked me. She all-caps shouted at me to “STOP IT” and basically told me off for even considering it, ordering me to just give up and get on with my life. Ummmm, well, I can’t really do that when I’m the most worried I’ve ever been, but OK!!! Then, even more to my surprise, Diva replied, ignoring my question, choosing instead to agree with the other woman. What?!?!?! His own MOTHER?!?! Refusing to help me, his loving girlfriend who she has always wholeheartedly approved of, find out if her OWN SON was still bloody alive?!?!?! I was stunned, mortified and livid all at once, and without even thinking, I snapped back, “So you won’t tell me?” deliberately omitting kisses for impact. As much as I felt well within my rights to question her mean decision, I immediately felt sick. The last person I needed to fall out with at this time, or any other, was my boyfriend’s mother. If she had taken an extreme dislike to me because of my snappy comment, my relationship with S2 faced a huge hurdle. He pretty much does anything his mum says, and most of our relationship takes place under her roof, so yeah, her hating me would kinda mess things up. Shit. I was halfway through composing a text to her, begging her to help me, but I didn’t want to make things even worse, and that’s when I fell into a pathetic crying mess. My mother was in the vicinity and heard me, so she came into my room. I was expecting her to be kind and comfort me, but instead she pretty much told me to man up and stop being stupid. Hurt and still deeply distressed, I told her to “fuck off”, which, again, made me think, “oh, shit”. She did immediately turn back to battle me, but I just cried and cried and wailed about how I needed her to be supportive, not to talk to me like I was pathetic. I don’t think she really got what I meant, but she refrained from continuing the argument and left. I cried solidly for hours after this, struggling to find comfort in anything anymore. Skittles had offered to meet up with me to cheer me up, and although I knew I’d enjoy seeing her, I couldn’t even comprehend being ready enough to leave me room. Plus, Diva was still ignoring me, so I was imagining all kinds of awkward and horrible scenarios that might occur between us. And through it all, I STILL hadn’t heard from S2.

Eventually, I was exhausted enough for a very patchy snooze, which killed about an hour, then I managed to drag myself into the shower, where I cried some more. By the time I was out, I was almost late for meeting Skittles. I hurriedly started trying to put my makeup on as the tears were still flowing. My mother was being kinder to me by this point too. I was so tired, my hands were shaking. And then, finally, it happened! AFTER 19 HOURS!!!!

S2 texted me instead of emailing, telling me that his data wasn’t working and that he was fine. The relief made me cry even more than the worry, and being so emotionally drained I could only manage to say that “I was so worried” and I was glad he was OK. He texted me a couple more times over the next hour or so while I was eating lunch with Skittles, and for a while I still couldn’t say anything apart from expressing how worried I had been. Diva had also texted me by this point, with kinder words, and I apologised for snapping at her.

I hung out with Skittles for the rest of the day, going back to her house to watch a movie. S2 continued to text me on and off, often with photos to accompany his words. I was better able to hold a conversation by this point, and even now as the evening is coming to an end here at home, I’m still in contact with him. I still don’t like the fact that he is so far away, that he will be there for days yet to come, and that there is likely to be a huge chunk of time I don’t hear from him when he is travelling home, but at least I know he’s not floating around in the sea, and his head isn’t mounted on Donald Trump’s trophy wall.

#boyfriend #stress #anxiety #travel #worrying #relationships #relationship #mental health

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madeofbees · 7 years

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CARPAL TUNNEL RESOURCES

Okay listen up my peeps!! As many of you know, I have recently acquired severely painful carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist from spending all my time coloring, writing, and journaling. Unfortunately, these are the activities that keep me sane and not suicidal, so I’ve been desperately searching for things that help. The biggest thing everyone says is rest but that’s not super an option SO. I found other things that help, and boy do they help!

Let me share my wealth of knowledge.

MASSAGE

This is another big thing that people say and they are so right. I’m sure a professional massage would be awesome but who can afford that not me that’s for sure. I found this video on YouTube and it’s insane how much this five minute massage helps. I do it in my spare time, when my symptoms are acting up, during coloring breaks, in my sleep...

youtube

It’s such good shit, and it has things I hadn’t thought of myself. Give it a watch.

THE RIGHT WRIST BRACE

So using a brace seems pretty straightforward right? Well, the general purpose wrist brace I had for all my other wrist problems wasn’t cutting it. For one thing, I have absurdly small toddler wrists and in order to get any support I had to tighten it so much it cut off my circulation. For another, it wasn’t providing support in the right places.

I found this baby on Amazon:

It’s. So. Great. I got it in the S/M size and it actually fits me omg. It’s also slimmer than a standard brace, which makes it easier to wear under long sleeves, which in the winter is yes good. Most importantly: it works. It has padding and straps and shapes and magic that make it do what I need it to do. Not only does it help in the long run, when I first put it on my wrist pain immediately dropped from an 8 to a 5. Just like that. Bam.

I can type in it and use my phone and can sooort of write/color, but v messily. I take it off when I do art stuff and leave it on otherwise. You can sleep in it, but it feels weird to me in terms of sensory input so I take it off at night, too, but it’s up to you.

You can get it on Amazon here for the stunningly reasonable price of $12.72. It also comes in left, if that’s the hand that’s bothering you.

TOPICAL CREAM

I found this totally by accident when I was looking at wrist braces. “Customers who bought this also bought that” sort of thing. I got it because it’s reasonably priced and if it could help I’ll give it a go and I’m so desperate for any sort of relief.

It’s good stuff. It doesn’t help the second you put it on, and in fact the instructions say that you’ll get maximum benefit after 7-10 days of using it 3-4 times a day. It’s not peppermint, it doesn’t assault your nose and feel good because tingly. It actually aims to help solve the underlying problem, and as far as I can tell, it’s doing the thing!

It DOES NOT have flurbiprofen, which is the NSAID that’s highly toxic to cats. It IS SAFE for your kitties and WILL NOT kill them!! I wouldn’t, y’know, feed it to them, or use it on them, but you aren’t risking your fur babies’ lives every time you use it.

You can get a small(er) jar to try out from Amazon here for $19.95.

PENCIL GRIP

I got this pencil grip from my local indie art store and holy crap it’s good. I’m going to get like five more so I don’t have to switch it back and forth all the time, which is a little annoying, but it’s so worth it. I recently learned my grip is wrong, and this helps put my hand in the right position and also is just way more comfortable than using a plain pencil.

I got mine for like $1.89 and idk about getting it online, but if you go into any crafts store and ask for a pencil grip that helps with carpal tunnel or arthritis, they can help you.

Plus, it’s squishy, and makes a great stim toy when it’s off the pencil.

STRETCHING

I got this exercise from my PT who specializes in Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and gentle movement therapy. You tap your thumb to the tip of each finger using super exaggerated movements, meeting your fingers in the middle of your hand and stretching them out as far as possible between each tap. My PT said to do this for ten minutes every hour, and I’ve sort of installed it in my brain as Activity To Do While Hands Aren’t Busy, so I’m doing it all the time now without even noticing.

ICE/HEAT

I did a lot of research about ice vs heat, and there doesn’t seem to be a consensus. Ice helps me a lot more than heat does, though it’s possible I’m just numbing the pain area for a little bit. If these help you, go for it. If not, don’t worry.

TEXTING

This might just be how I happen to hold my hand, BUT. I used to use the Swype keyboard and I thought it was way better, but it turns out it uses the exact same muscles as writing/coloring/etc. I uninstalled it and went back to the default Apple keyboard that I use with my thumbs instead of my index finger and it is so much better. Moving my thumbs doesn’t use the hurty bits nearly as much, so I can text (almost) whenever I want. Check out how you text and see if a different keyboard might be better for you!

AND THAT’S JUST ABOUT IT FOLKS

If you have any more questions feel free to DM me. I was so scared that my life was going to end but the combination of all of these things has really drastically improved my situation. I hope these help you too!

#carpal tunnel #carpal tunnel syndrome #cts #wrist brace #topical cream #massage #stretching #pencil grip

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