#goin thru it. you know how it is
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indrik
#dammit i forgor the neck feathers. oh well#tried to do a background and hated it too bad so i threw it out. sigh#goin thru it. you know how it is#eso#elder scrolls online#indrik#my art#fan art
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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Life is hard, but when all else fails, draw mermaids.
siren/mermaid au belongs to @weather-mood
#i drew every individual line of the ribbon eel tail scales. thats how you know im goin thru it#art#my art#digital art#iwtv#interview with the vampire#iwtv claudia#claudia de pointe du lac#claudia de lioncourt#idk which to use#mermaid#mermaid art#mermaid au#fanart
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Thinking abt Kae’s Fatui verse,,,,
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//Him having a sort of fatal attraction vibe goin with Traveler like Came||ya’s whole thing almost hdbfb#//The whole ‘you’re interesting; I really like you; I can’t WAIT to see what makes you tick’#//Except he might actually be more of a danger to them; considering his endgame for those he ‘loves’#v; l’innamorato (fatui!kaeya)#//The love idea of him v attached to Signora; deffo got along with the kiddos of the HotH better fjhdh#//Prolly loved presenting her W|ll Sm|th style; even if the attention it drew to him too did make his skin crawl more often than not#//Love the idea of him stalking Traveler thru their journeyw lil heart eyes; interfering at key moments to hinder or help them progress#//Depends on how he’s feeling at the moment jcbcb#//In this verse would deffo butt heads with Taru in Fontaine specifically—he wants Traveler’s attention too jfbfb#//Prolly met them in Mond as part of Signora’s lil entourage—IMMEDIATELY got intrigued at first glance#//Background wise; I like to think he was a Fatuus meant to infiltrate the knights like many of Eroch’s ppl#//And in the progress of going through the knight thing got acquainted w Luc & began to have doubts abt the Fatui cause#//After visiting his home; hearing abt and meeting his father; then the day of the Heckening happens & they fight#//Bc Kae already planned to come clean & renounce the Fatui & Khaenri’ah; but the mess Crepus’s death made of him#//Tried far too hastily; far too bluntly to tell Luc the truth of his origins; swearing he knew nothing abt the Delusion#//Only to get claymore’d; which absolutely helped cemented him into the Fatui’s ranks more#//A part of him knows it wasn’t the time to say it; that he is at fault for trying to take advantage of Luc’s vulnerable state to tell him#//Only for the lad to have been far too volatile & so it turned out badly; but he still blames Luc for the break of their bond#//Anywho; I like to think as of Inazuma; he does have a certain grudge against traveler bc of Signora#//Before; encounters were more of puppy love bordering on dangerous obsession—after that; the dangerous bit became Personal#//Ohhh I’m writing a yandere here; okay<-should have realized that from the FIRST slew of Fatuiverse hcs lmao#//He genuinely does love Traveler; would like to see them breaking down in despair in his arms#//The two of them together would make a most beautiful ice sculpture indeed#//Even with his grudge; Traveler does stand a chance at swaying him to actually be helpful#//Sumeru quest wise; Co||ei is the magic word—i like to think he came along with there bc he wanted to see abt the Eleazar#//And maybe find clues to her family or even her herself; Traveler or Paimon dropping the name would make him cooperate SO fast#//Klee in Mond is basically his Teucer jffb. She is as good as fam in his eyes—I like to think he keeps up his habit of collecting pyro ppl#//Bc he never got over his broken bond with SOMEONE. Even if this verse has him more bitter abt it#//But ye jdbdbd. Is it rlly a Allie posting if it not short lol blurb and then heckin TAG SPAM lololol
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Allow me to commiserate about the cringey ten year old Prussia obsession. I bought an actual iron cross from a flea market and I loved the thing, my Mother never let me wear it anywhere, thankfully ad when I was like seventeen and (grownup) I threw it like a skipping stone into my towns lake out of embarrassment on multiple levels hgjfkdsa The Prussia obsession never left tho and I after then event read like four books about Prussian history and Teutonic knight history and military warfare and Prussian army victories. Now he's just my baby girl xD
I gotta stop outing myself like this. Should I stop putting my every single thought into tags? Yes. But anyways Prussia simps just the same everywhere aren’t we or2
I was thinking of outing my DA name since you told me your embarassing moment but it still physically hurts me too much to write it out so I will just say that it included the German word for Prussia but I had no idea how to make the fancy B lookin letter they had so it was just a regular B 😭😭😭
#this time i’m really gonna do it#WAIT I THINK I STILL HAVE MINE#IN MY DESK#OH FUCK#I STILL HAD IT IN HIGHSCHOOL BUT I ATTACHED IT TO MY WALLET 😭#my wallet also had a chain hanging from it that I clipped to my pants to look hard but that’s a different kind of cringe#we’re not discussing my teenage fashion choices rn#Yeah What The FUCK Were We THINKING.#WHAT THE FUCK HIMA#had middle schoolers everywhere wearing n*zi propaganda!!!!!#the four books of actual Prussian history is how you know you’re down bad list#mfer had you goin thru his yearbook photos like pick yourself UP 😭#HAVE SOME DIGNITY 😭😭😭
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But if you play sumo with female protag your gf lillie is also blonde … can’t choose that option
sorry selene u cant date lillie bc thats too much blonde between 2 people :/
#plus her whole family is blonde thats waaay too much yellow goin on#side bar why did they name the female sumo protag selene when theres a serena do u know how confusing that is#you could've spelt it celene and the moon thing still wouldve come across 😭#everytime im going thru the names of the protags im like okay serena as in calm selene as in the moon and it doesnt help that the moon is#...associated with the night and calmness#asks#anon
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When I get nice comments from people on my writing, it makes all the times I was mocked as a teenager for being into fandom and bandom and writing smut about boys in said bandoms worth it tbh.
Like 18 year old me writing smutty fanfic at length about boys in pop punk bands is so proud of 32 year old me. She'd probably find the fact I'm trans masc confusing cos I was so far on the closet back then. But hey, my writing has really improved through sheer perseverance and reading/writing lots of smut, lol.
(And yes, I really did write bandom rpf fic and rp for a good 10?? ish years. I'm not precisely proud of it but it did shape my views on fandom generally, rpf, fandom wank and kink, I stand by that.)
#i was once infamous in a youtuber fandom for my piss kink url#if that rings a bell (i had 3k followers so. never know ig) for you im so so so sorry about the whole#yknow#me in my twenties thing#i was goin thru it#i include about the url cos it still makes me laugh that i was so out there about that kink in particular like#25 yo oli how did you amass 3k followers with an omorashi url? the world may never know...#tagging these for safetycand blacklists#kink talk#kink stuff#unsanitary cw#gross cw#tmi cw#idk how to tag this tbh#fandom stuff
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Ofmd is..not at all what i was expecting
Why did not a single one of you tell me that they were vaguely given pirate characters and told to improv about it and that most of them are bad at improv but really trying their hardest
Maybe i shouldve guessed but i was expecting like.. a show. Like a real show with written scripts not this (kind of awkward) bumbling around a scene for longer than is needed until the directors decide to spare us and show a different bumbling scene
Props to queer eye for the pirate guy who is trying his damn hardest, theres a lad who knows when to chomp on that bit but watching this show overall feels like a trainwreck. Like im still gonna watch if you get just the right amount of high and accept that this is an ongoing theatre improv scenario not a television or streaming style show then you can still have a good time i think, embrace the cringe and whatnot and i know you tumblr hoes love it so ill stick it through to the end but can someone please at least tell me that good omens is like.. a show with a script? When i get to it ive heard such good things and if its just more college improv id like to maybe skip it please i think ofmd is enough improv for me
#personal#ofmd#good omens#the secondhand emotional impact from good omens makes me highly doubt its as improvy as ofmd#tbf all i knew about ofmd is that it was a gay pirate show but i still thought it was. a show. a scripted show and i was WRONG#i guess technically it is a show about gay pirates i just really thought there would be more written than that basic concept#heads up i guess for anyone else unfamiliar it can be fun but jts also highly cringe. and thats ok but you gotta be expecting that#or i can see how it can easily lead to being disappointing and unfunny if like me you only know its praises as the gay pirate show#ok i have some further thoughts. taika was goin thru it holy fuck but so was everyone#they do get a little.better at both comedy and editing but oh boy theres still some moments#still a lot of moments#overall rating 8/10 too much improv and the plot. they couldve dont it in a lot cooler ways that would be more coherrent but#some scenes randomly hit hard if you pay super hard attention to each characters side plots but dont do that too hard cause#youll lose track quicker than scene directors did#sometimes feels a little forced encouragement and we do love encouragement so we never take points away for trying
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"It's all I've been told, I'm heavy to hold."
Heavy - Peach PRC
#peach prc#heavy#lyrics#bpd#im goin thru it today bc covid got me just laying in bed with nothing to do but be Mentally Ill#i put the single 'album' on of this and just listened to the three different versions on repeat for an hour or two#its called COPING and it is its own separate diagnosis in the dsm#anyway my borderline called and it wants to know how you got its life story unauthorized#sorry covid brain has me thinking i can make edits but i just need these lyrics to like.....exist concretely on this blog#thank u for understanding#my edit
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#my friend and i broke up#she's still on w the whole 'i have this' malingering and attention seeking behaviour and i tried to be sympathetic but she shut me out#her parents apparently even let her see a psychiatrist (that shit's expensive) and she did but she got a different dx now she's mad#and she doesn't want to see a counsellor. i sent her resources for what she (thought) she had and she won't even look at em#she said it's 'big psychiatry' so she didn't trust it?? i wish i was making this up#the links i sent weren't even affiliated with any doctors or psychiatrists!!#they were literally support links and pages from a reputable site for people with this disorder and pages that helped confirm if you had it#SHE REFUSED TO LOOK AT ANYTHING#SHE ONLY WANTED TO SEE THINGS THAT REINFORCED HER DELUSION#heLLO YOU YOURSELF WANTED TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN BC YOU GOT THE WRONG ANSWER ITS A NO??#i feel like i'm going to be sick i feel horrible#i'm angry and hurt and frustrated and i don't know how to help her outta this so i feel like a useless pos#i'm so done?? done done done#the sad thing is i can't even tell 100 percent if she's actually sure she has something based on super wrong symptoms or#if she's intentionally faking#i just went thru and blocked a lot of blogs too..#because i'm starting to notice a LOT of this on tumblr too and it jumps out like a sore thumb now esp in certain communities#idk if i have it in me to see all these people in the same exact boat whether it's intentional or they actually don't get what's goin on#i'm not using certain community/label tags in my posts anymore and taking em out of my previous posts#mental health cw#rant#vent#tbd#malingering cw#munchausen cw
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happy 10 minutes to new years i spent the past ~4 hours grinding out doing all of my ocs icon sprites o__o i wont be able to have them all finished by my new years eve but i have 4 left so i can make it for west coast NYE
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Photo studies from this past Spring 🌧️
#scrounging up any morsels of my own art from the past year to make up for the brain drought i’m goin thru….you know how it is#art study#doodle drops
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ttpd good when you don't have a bitch in ya ear tellin you its about matty healy
#honestly even knowing its about him doesn't change anything for me#bc i do not idolize that woman like that!!!#and also i dont hate him glkrjaglkrjggjarldigj#howeverrrrr it is too wordy and too long and some of the lines are straight up like bitch what....#like mama you tryna hit word count in a 3 minute song??#but just like stylistically i think its very interesting and like motif heavy#like a long ass boring ass old ass novel at times but we got thematic consistency#i do not think this challenged her the most musically buT sis sounds like she was goin thru it so like...#i think in retrospect people will circle back around and be like yeah its good#its just...too.....relevant rn?? bc yall were mad as hell at her n she was mad as hell at yall#but i do think it'll be retconned like how rep was in five years#and before we start race discourse in my inbox remember i am black and also an adult gjlakgjdglj
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brain did the ping of Thing detection again coz dash. i aint rbing all that but vague hand motions short gist is satoshi assumes pan-ness is the norm n never talks abt himself so majority ppl even of those who are friends with him assume he's just Ally(tm)
#i see cas say One (1) thing abt labels n remember oh yeah a good chunk of my blorbos dont even Know abt those#listen im sorry to say but he does in fact only know abt the labels ''trans'' & ''nonbinary''#he is quite sincerely the ''i thought you were american'' vine. i Know i have an ''i thought you were unovan'' post somewhere.#have a whole thing for this (big shock) abt how utterly detached from the Community he is. hes demipan & trans but just. eh.#only demipan Functionally. has no idea abt orientation labels.#also just. ''cool flag what country is that'' said so incredibly genuinely#man's had top surgery n is actively goin thru hrt does NOT know which is the trans flag#had to cross out the i aint rbing all that while writing this bc no actually i AM rbing all that. it's one post. gimme a minute.#some of yall have seen it at least three times & YOULL SEE IT AGAIN#it's funee#ooc. pkmn is autistic culture.
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My son Ethan has been living in my brain. He is at least moderately toxic and will never go to therapy. He is freeloading off of his best friend + her gf after his boyfriend gently kicked him out to learn how to function in society. he will not
#[ files ocverse ]#No one is in the wrong here Btw His boyfriend is also in A State.#I am unsure how to put it gently But I do wholeheartedly believe that he met his bf through having a crush on some upperclassman and showin#up at his doorstep and saying Hi. I Have No Place to Go. Bats Eyelashes @ You. I am running away from home and 2 steps from -#changing the trajectory of my friend group's lives forever#And the other guy is like. Uhhh???? OKAY? But then he does get to know him after yknow. He gets him to go home. The first time#Serena is his best friend and she's cozy in being a trust fund nepo baby And Chrystal is her girlfriend trying to actually face this world.#Ethan is.. not..... helping#Ethan + Serena the never grow up and face this cruel world gang for ever and ever ^-^#His bf's called Nico and he's. He's also goin thru it in his own right#Everyone is this is the College Hell Timeline. In which everyone is having a bad time. In college#*Except the other trust fund baby and the actor. They're doing fine. It's awkward.
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i wish i was as creative as a lot of the people around me when it came to my ocs. or at least had the confidence to talk about them as if i were creative
#🌀.txt#i feel like theyre not interesting or people aren’t interested in them#which isnt an anyone else problem it’s entirely a me problem im just gonna be sorry for myself a little in the tags#because its really not that big of a deal im just a sad person. i just feel like whenever im talking about my ocs—#—people dont seem to be really very receptive or interested which is more of a problem on discord than on here#but then like. other ppl will do it and everyone will talk about how much they love that person’s oc and i wonder what im doing wrong#you know? it’s literally fine i just have lots of feelings rn. shout out to my mutual goin thru similar stuff rn—#—for the same reasons (mania and autism <//3)#negative
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