#god it's like april fools all over again

[luvdsc]

TIFU by getting hit by a car over labubus that i was trying to get for the girl i like.

a broken arm is temporary. labubus (and winning your affection) are forever.

pairing :: lee donghyuck x reader genre :: comedy, fluff ⋮ friends to lovers au word count :: 4,751 words warnings :: haechan gets hit by a car but it's not graphic playlist :: the cutest pair (regina song) ⋆ buy me presents (sabrina carpenter) ⋆ buzz (niki) ⋆ soft spot (keshi) ⋆ everything i want (beabadoobee) author’s note :: happy new year, honey bees !!! here's another f2l fic, like is anyone surprised at this point? happy 4 year friendversary (plus 4 days) to moon and me, it'll be 5 years on april fool's with lana, and luvdsc officially turns 6 on the 8th !! ily all sm and thank you so so much for all the support and love these past 6 years, honey bees ᥫ᭡ ↳ part of a nonsense christmas: reddit edition collaboration series.

i. if you were a wise man, (you wouldn’t put your life on the line for bug eyed dolls)

r/TIFU

u/ifyouseekamy-yn3435 • 1d

TIFU by getting hit by a car over labubus that I was trying to get for the girl I like

I (24M) was trying to rush to be first in line at the Popmart grand opening and arrived at 11 PM the night before. The girl I like is really into Labubu and Dimoo, and the new store will be fully stocked, first come first serve. I got in line and was fifth in waiting to get into the store. But before that, I had to sit in my car until midnight when people started lining up outside the mall entrance. It got too rowdy though, so the security guard yelled for everyone to go back to the parking structure. Obviously, people slowly inched their way back to the entrance again after pretending to leave, so I made sure to nab a spot by hiding in the bushes closest to the mall doors. Finally at 8 AM, they let us inside and I sprinted into the mall past almost everyone else. I secured the goods (have a seat set, exciting macaron set, wings of fortune, happy halloween party, fall in wild, flip with me) and happily made it out. This was going to be the best Christmas present for the girl I like, and therefore increase my chances of her saying yes to a date. But there was someone driving at way more than 15mph in the mall parking lot and with no care for stop signs and pedestrian walkways. So they ran over a few orange cones before coming to a stop after hitting the biggest speed bump aka me. Now I’m left with a broken arm, a couple bruised ribs, and hopped up on pain meds in the hospital on Christmas day with nothing else to do except post on reddit

⥣ 2,548 ⥥ 280 Comments

farts-and-minecrafts205 • 16h did you secure the goods tho ??? are they ok ??

➥ Reply ⥣ 1.3k ⥥

ifyouseekamy-yn3435 • 13h Yes right when I saw the car coming, I made sure to lovingly cradle the labubus in my arms. I didn’t let them hit the ground even after I was in the fetal position in the middle of the parking lot and my ribs acted like their airbags ➥ Reply ⥣ 1.7k ⥥

smoothkriminal423 • 12h thank god the resale prices would go down if they got scratched

➥ Reply ⥣ 949 ⥥

ifyouseekamy-yn3435  • 3h gtfo of here fake ass mj stan ➥ Reply ⥣ 452 ⥥

T1NF01LH4T323 • 1h when you got hit, did you go hee hee or goofy’s chuckle ➥ Reply ⥣ 1.1k ⥥

0rgasm-d0n0r813  • 9h can I have the labubus she doesn’t want

➥ Reply ⥣ 1.4k ⥥

pissrevolver1122 • 3h reselling labubus here!!! pm for prices 

➥ Reply ⥣ 331 ⥥

ii. baby you would drop, every other ho ho ho, and put me on top

Lee Donghyuck is down bad.

Actually, let’s circle back to that. He is utterly, horrifically, astronomically down bad. There is no other way to describe the situation unfolding in front of him right now because why is he letting you sit at his desk in front of his prestige, top of the art gaming set up, complete with the comfiest gaming chair, matching keyboard with rainbow lighting and teddy bear keycaps, and a personally customized Acer Predator Orion 7000 PC with a miniature arcane Jinx figurine inside it?

Meanwhile, he is seated on the edge of his bed, precariously balancing your MacBook covered in Sailor Moon and Nanami stickers on his knees and fighting for his life as he dodges attacks from Samira and Leona, quickly putting up a shield on his Lulu. Sure, it was stupid to play as Lulu when he’s in the dragon lane, but in his defense, he wanted to try a new AP setup and thought Mark would be a better support than this, what with the obscene amount of money he spent on all those Seraphine skins. If Mark had spent even half the amount of hours as the amount of dollars he blew on those skins, he would be doing better than 0:3:0 within the first five minutes of the game.

“Mark, dude, are you trying to lose on purpose or have you always been naturally gifted at sucking ass?” Donghyuck grits out between his teeth, his fingers moving across the keyboard at top speed, not even sure if his friend can hear him through his wired Apple earphones since he has so graciously let you borrow his top tier headphones, too (Maybe it’s for the better though. He has a permanent dent in his hair on the top of his head because of them).

You don’t even need the headphones. He has turned off the voice chat option for you because you didn’t need to be hearing the absolute scum that comes from the average league player anyway (Not that you would. Mark has been getting the brunt of it from the rest of the team, himself included). But he wanted to give you the full gamer experience, and you look so cute, perched at his desk and attentively scanning the map, his headphones resting on your head so nicely.

All he gets is radio silence from Mark before he sees K/DA Seraphine inching away towards the middle lane. “Are you kidding me? Y/N, can you move to my lane? Mark is too butt hurt to continue dying in the bot lane, I guess.”

“Yes, do I just follow you around?” you ask, carefully guiding your Ahri towards Haechan’s Lulu, careful to check the upper left map view to make sure no one from the enemy team is lurking around you. You stop briefly to admire her animations, her red nine tails swirling around her, making her look ethereal. “This skin is so pretty, thanks for getting it for me, Hyuck.”

“Oh, sure, anytime,” Donghyuck says as casually as possible, completely ignoring the fact that his wallet is now five hundred dollars lighter, all thanks to one Signature Immortalized Legend skin for Ahri. Even he doesn’t have that skin. But what else was he supposed to do? Not buy it for you after you mentioned liking it after he set up League of Legends on your laptop for you to try a few hours ago (nevermind the fact that he’s the one playing on your MacBook now instead)? You chose Ahri because you wanted to play a pretty champ, and of course, he was going to make sure you get the prettiest skin to go with her.

“Oh my god, did you see that?” you gasp excitedly after you hit E and the orbs from Ahri’s second skill swirl and hit Leona, effectively stealing Donghyuck’s kill. “I got her!”

“Yes, you did, congrats, that’s amazing,” Donghyuck struggles to maintain a happy tone, schooling his expression into a peaceful one with much concentration, but it’s alright. It’s perfectly fine. He’s fine. It’s not like he needed an eighth kill to get the legendary title. He can just go for Samira instead. “Can you aim at Samira and hit W please?”

You carefully follow his instructions, and Ahri’s charm move hits Samira perfectly with the heart, pulling the enemy towards your Ahri and Haechan’s Lulu. With a victorious cry, he takes out the enemy and secures the legendary title.

“You’re doing really well,” he compliments you, and your cheeks grow warm as you click at the screen, pretending to focus even more on taking down the opponent’s turret as you answer sheepishly. “Thank you, it’s really fun.”

“Maybe you can play support next time instead of Mark,” he muses, a satisfactory grin appearing on his face when the two of you finally take down the first turret of the game. “That bastard just stands around and looks pretty. He practically feeds the other team.”

He can hear faint cursing in his headphones from the bastard in question, but he ignores it, opting to focus on the sound of your giggling that makes his heart skip a beat and his cheeks take on a rosy hue.

“Mm, you really think so, Hyuck? I think it’s just all beginner’s luck right now,” you laugh softly, maneuvering Ahri around and following his champ towards the mid lane. “Plus, you’re hard carrying us.”

Your borrowed laptop almost slips off of his lap as your words register in his mind, the soft lilt in your voice making his stomach do cartwheels and somersaults that would even impress Simone Biles. Donghyuck very nearly lets out a high pitched giggle before he remembers to get a goddamn grip on himself and hastily clears his throat. “Nah, I think the jungle is doing really well, too. And you’re keeping up with us.”

“Yeah?” Your eyes light up, and he swears they’re even prettier and sparkle more than the one house that goes out all on the Christmas light decorations at the end of the street. “Maybe we can play together more then.”

He swallows hard, eyes zeroing on the screen in front of him so he wouldn’t seem as eager as he really is secretly. “Sure, that sounds great.”

“Great, it’s a date,” you say lightly, and Donghyuck immediately stops breathing and promptly drops the laptop onto the carpeted floor, his Lulu getting instantly KOed in the game while Mark swears loudly in his earphones.

ii. spend your cookie dough, dough, dough, spend it on my heart

It’s times like these that Donghyuck really has to sit and think hard about what the actual fuck he is doing with his life. It’s not like he has anything else to do anyway. He’s sitting in the nearly empty mall parking lot at 11 PM, preparing to camp out in front of the entrance just to make sure he’d be one of the first people to enter Popmart and buy all those Labubus you’ve mentioned that you’ve been wanting.

He’s tried for months now, obsessively refreshing the Popmart app on his phone and iPad in addition to refreshing the website on his computer at 10 PM sharp on Thursdays in hopes of snagging just one of them for you. He’s even made a whole account, added his credit card in for fast payments, and watched those stupid 24/7 TikTok lives from the Popmart accounts just in case they release any on there as well. All he ended up with was no Labubus and two hundred thirty dollars short because he discovered that they had a K/DA figurine collaboration and obviously, he immediately bought the whole set. 

But his prayers were answered in a convoluted way because news dropped that a new Popmart was opening nearby on December 24th, which meant it would be fully stocked with all the Labubus you want, and he’d be damned if he let this opportunity pass. It was both a curse and a blessing. What kind of corporate devil chooses their grand opening to be on Christmas Eve? So that leads to his current predicament: sitting in his car, about to brave the cold for the next 10 hours outside for some dumb dolls and fighting through the last minute Christmas shoppers during the hours after that.

Donghyuck puts on a couple more extra layers, including a giant Canada Goose jacket for good measure, and stuffs his pockets with an external battery charger, some power bars, and a water bottle. Finally, he makes peace with the fact that this is what his life has come down to, that he really is this down bad for you, and he gets out of his car, shuffling over to the entrance and standing in line with all the other men who are probably there to get Labubus for their girlfriends and wives. They all give each other the nod in solidarity, and so begins the wait.

He sits with his back against the wall, huddled up in his puffer jacket and pulling out his phone to play Wild Rift to pass the time. If one game averages between 15 - 30 minutes, then he only needs to play 20 - 40 games. That’s not so bad, he reasons with himself, tapping the screen idly while he waits for the matchmaking to complete. He can do this.

By 5 AM, there’s a large crowd of people waiting, the noise level going up and some shoving going on. He quickly steels himself and stays firmly planted in his spot. He will be getting those damn dolls, no matter what. When the security guard comes out to break up the rowdy crowd, he quickly slips behind the nearby bushes lining the mall, taking advantage of the commotion. Once again, he settles down in the dirt, hunched over and playing his game, dignity lost but his place in line still in sight. Donghyuck really hopes no one he knows sees him here.

At 8 AM, one of the Popmart store managers takes pity on the growing crowd (who returned less than an hour later after the security guard got tired of monitoring them) and opens the mall doors. He quickly pops out of the bushes, no doubt scaring a couple people but he couldn’t care less at this point, and sprints into the mall, beelining it to the figurine store and securing his spot as fifth in line. He hastily brushes off the dirt clinging to the seat of his pants and any twigs in his hair before waiting impatiently.

Finally, by 9 AM, Donghyuck has secured the goods at last, clutching onto four large bags filled with two full sets of Labubu blind boxes, two of the larger dolls, and three special plush keychains (he ignores the email notification from his bank asking if he had made this purchase). Strutting with his head held high, he would do a hair flip if his hands weren’t so occupied with carrying out half the store’s supply of Labubus. He proudly walks through the mall with his long coveted purchases, feeling even more triumphant than when he reached grandmaster in League and ranked in the top 200 for Master Yi.

Unfortunately, Lady Luck always gets to have the last laugh because Donghyuck barely makes it out the door before he finds himself lying flat across the crosswalk pavement. A loud yelp escapes from his lips as he instinctively grips onto his shopping bags, curling around them protectively as pain shoots up around his ribcage and forearm. He wants to laugh or cry or maybe do both simultaneously.

This has to be a joke. All that work, all that humiliation, just to be bested by someone’s god awful, hideous Cybertruck. He’s about to become the modern day Scrooge because all the ghosts must have come together to put up an even bigger middle finger salute to him since he just had to get hit with that fugly monstrosity to top it all off.

God damn it all, where the fuck was Edward Cullen when Donghyuck needed him the most?

The universe really didn’t want him to get those ugly dolls. He should have taken the L in defeat and read all the foreshadowing signs when he couldn’t get them every time he tried before that because now the universe is out of balance, and he had to pay for it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction after all. Man plans, god laughs.

Jokes on the big man upstairs though because his Labubus are all still nestled safely in his arms in (hopefully) pristine condition, and they’d have to be pried from his cold, dead hands (which honestly, might be soon). Is this how Emily felt in “Devil Wears Prada” when she got hit by a taxi and all those Hermes scarves went flying (correction: floating) around her? He glances down just to see the fall in wild Labubu pendant smirking back at him mockingly, still in its perfect packaging and in his shaking clutches. He desperately wants to punch its smug little face, but his arm is unfortunately twisted in an unnatural position at the moment.

Donghyuck is knocked out of his stupor when he hears the sounds of the driver quickly clambering out from their seat, hurrying towards him and kneeling down, asking if he’s okay. Someone else is asking him if he wants them to call someone, and he faintly registers the excruciating pain in his ribs and the way he landed on his arm. Clenching his teeth, he closes his eyes before managing to croak out feebly:

“Are all the Labubus okay?”

iii. if you’re not gonna race here from the north pole to beverly hills the hospital, just to keep my stocking filled

When you wake up extremely late past noon on Christmas morning, you definitely do not expect the huge flurry of texts and missed calls on your phone. And more importantly, you most definitely do not expect to find out that Donghyuck is in the hospital. With your heart dropping to your stomach, you hastily get dressed and  grab your keys, entering the hospital address Renjun texted you into your Apple Maps as you rush to your car.

Making a quick detour to the bakery he likes, you get a couple slices of Mont Blanc for him before continuing on the route to the hospital. You haphazardly park your car before hurriedly speed walking through the automatic entrance doors, clutching tightly onto the box of baked goods as you get into the elevator and finally reach his room.

“Hyuck?” you say tentatively, knocking on the door and peering inside, relief filling you instantly when you see him seated upright in the hospital bed, awake and pouting. Along with all the balloons and flowers his friends must’ve dropped off earlier, there’s an unusually large pile of Popmart bags in the corner of his room, but you don’t question it at the moment. His heart rate spikes on the monitor, and you look at it in concern before his loud sigh brings your focus back to him.

“What took you so long?” Donghyuck huffs dramatically, trying to cross his arms over his chest as best he could with one arm in a cast. “I texted you this morning, didn’t I?”

“I just woke up like 45 minutes ago and rushed here,” you defend yourself lightly, dropping the cake box on the stand next to him, and his eyes instantly light up before he remembers that he’s supposed to be upset and turns his nose at you slightly.

“It’s 3 PM, what do you mean you just woke up? You forgot about me, didn’t you?” he huffs softly, peeking over at the cake for a split second and then resumes pouting at you, his lower lip jutting out slightly. 

“I, uh, I stayed up late, trying to catch up on my game,” you avoid eye contact, cheeks growing warmer as you try to excuse yourself, tripping over your words in haste. “There’s this Touring in Love event going on right now and I wanted to get the limited four star card for Zayne, so I had to get more game currency in the event store, not to mention, I needed to get more gems to pull on the current five star banner because I lost my pity to the Sylus card a—” 

“Is this that otome game you’re into?” Donghyuck interrupts, and your face feels like a burning furnace now.

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe it. I lost to a bunch of pixels,” he sighs a second time, flopping back against his pillows gingerly to not aggravate his bruised ribs but to also emphasize his sulkiness further. “You were too busy visiting your AI generated boyfriend in the hospital, instead of visiting  me.”

“I was asleep!” you protest lightly before picking up the cake again and holding up your peace offering, “The second I woke up and saw the texts, I drove over here. I even got you your favorite cake.”

“I sat here, cold, alone, and in pain, for hours,” he fake sniffles, unabashedly eyeing the cake for a third time before refocusing back on you.

“You’re acting like a real Rafayel right now.”

Donghyuck sulks even more. “He’s not even your favorite in the game.”

“Yes, my favorite works at the hospital, not makes the hospital work,” you tease softly, and he huffs slightly, puffing out his cheeks and making himself look even cuter (though you’re not going to tell him that and make his ego even bigger than it already is). 

“Wow, you’re bullying a gravely injured person on Christmas too. You’re cruel. I can’t even do anything, except lie here motionlessly on my deathbed,” he sighs once again, closing his eyes before opening one of them to peek at you and quickly shutting it again once he confirms he has your full undivided attention.

“Renjun texted me literally fifteen minutes ago that he just left your room, and you were asking him to bring you your iPad to do all the dailies for your games,” you deadpan, pulling the chair to the spot next to his bed and settling down in it.

“Renjun is a snitch,” he mutters, relaxing against his pillows and accepting the cake after you open the box and place it on the tray attached to his bed. He takes a bite of the sweet goodness, humming slightly in content. 

“So, your type is quiet, serious guys who work at hospitals?” Donghyuck says casually, scooping up another bite of the cake, and you nearly choke, fumbling over your words. 

“W-Well, yeah, I guess, but it’s just a game. And um, he’s quite pretty.” You clear your throat slightly giving him a mischievous smile. “Why? Are you interested?”

“In you? Yeah, I thought I made myself pretty obvious all the time,” he states matter-of-factly, almost as if he’s reading off today’s news headlines or the weather, and you choke for real this time, coughing slightly.

“Anyway,” Donghyuck continues, taking another bite of his cake after handing you a water bottle which you quickly accept and sip, calming down your throat. “Do you think you can maybe go for a Rafayel guy in the near possible future? More specifically, one minute into the future?” He gives you a small smirk, batting his eyelashes at you. “I’m also pretty enough, aren’t I? Once I’m out of this hospital gown and in my usual clothes, I’d be even prettier.”

You laugh softly, tilting your head slightly as you look at him, hiding your smile. “I guess I could be convinced. Why one minute though?”

“Because I’m about to ask you out,” he answers immediately.

Your cheeks grow exponentially warmer once again, and you swallow nervously before masking it with a confident expression, teasing him, “Then go on. Ask me out.”

Donghyuck’s cheeks turn a rosy color as the realization of what he’s about to do finally kicks in (and perhaps, the pain medication has started to wear off slightly, so the post clarity is hitting him). Once again, the monitor shows a spike in his heart rate, and he curses it internally when he sees you glancing at it with a knowing smile. It’s an even worse snitch than Renjun. He clears his throat, sitting up as straight as he possibly can in this state, “Will you, Y/N, go out with me and be the very first person to sign my cast?”

You giggle before nodding, sending him a giddy smile as your heart thumps loudly in your chest, an explicable warm feeling spreading throughout your body and kicking up butterflies in your stomach. “Yes, I’ll go out with you.”

He immediately lights up, beaming at you. “Yeah? Wanna seal it with a kiss? I would if I could.”

Another peal of laughter bubbles up in your throat, but you oblige, leaning in and pressing your lips against his gently, the faint taste of caramel lingering on his lips. The kiss is sweet and smooth, fitting for him, and the loud beeping from his heart monitor increases almost immediately, much to his chagrin. You laugh softly against his lips at the sound, making his cheeks flush even redder if possible, and give him another soft kiss before pulling away.

“We should stop before we alert the nurses,” you tease softly, and he stammers, unable to come up with a smartass response for once in his life.

Your face is still warm as you busy yourself with uncapping the sharpie pen on the table next to him and work on signing his cast, writing your name out in pretty loopy cursive and a get well soon message, dotting any i’s with cute hearts that mirror the ones in Donghyuck’s eyes as he gazes at you.

“Didn’t the guys visit you? Why didn’t they sign your cast?”

“I wanted you to be the first one. Girlfriend privileges, and all that,” he answers lightly, and your heart skips a beat at your new title. You wonder if you’ll get used to it.

“Oh, really? I’m honored.”

“You should be,” Donghyuck says with a confident nod, and you can’t help but laugh, leaning in and pressing another kiss against his cheek. His cheeks turn crimson, and you notice, prompting you to leave another soft kiss against them and causing them to become an even embarrassingly darker shade of red as he stutters slightly, rendered speechless.

Yeah, you definitely can get used to these girlfriend privileges.

.

“So you won the real life boyfriend pity with me, right?” 

“Don’t push your luck.”

iv. well i know somebody who will

r/TIFU

u/ifyouseekamy-yn3435 • 9h

(UPDATE) TIFU by getting hit by a car over labubus that I was trying to get for the girl I like

First off, let me get this straight - I am not reselling any of the Labubus so stop pming me about that. I already gave them to her.

Ok now for the actual update. She visited me at the hospital and insisted that she’d drive me home when I got discharged. She’s really nice and brought me my favorite food. She’s also been bringing me meals everyday and we’re having dates at my place until my arm is fully healed. We have another date later today and we’re gonna watch Tangled and bake cookies. She also got me into blind boxes so now I have another crippling addiction and a shelf in my room just for Dimoos. We have matching Labubus on our bags, and she dressed them up in matching outfits too. She made me install a car seat thing on my AC in my car too so now my Labubu son can sit there when I start driving again. Oh and she has a whole pc setup now to play league and a new game, Infinity Nikki and I started playing it with her too. The graphics are very pretty. I feel like a pretty princess in my full flutter storm set ଘ(*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)੭* ���♡‧₊˚ ⭒ Wish me luck on the upcoming banners pls I’m saving up for the lunar new year set since she said the franchise usually goes all out for it. So yeah that’s it. We’re dating now! Happy new year to everyone except zayne from love and deepspace /:

⥣ 1,606 ⥥ 273 Comments

farts-and-minecrafts205 • 9h TIFU by asking him about his date and I was stuck on the phone for three hours

➥ Reply ⥣ 1.2k ⥥

pissrevolver1122 • 8h fr OP became even more insufferable after finally scoring a date ➥ Reply ⥣ 809 ⥥

ifyouseekamy-yn3435 • 3h you're just jealous that the only affection you can get is by pretending to be a discord kitten ➥ Reply ⥣ 967 ⥥

mark-mywords-802 • 2h R U UWUKITTENBB69 ??!???! I BOUGHT U SO MANY AKALI SKINS ➥ Reply ⥣ 231 ⥥

John-Doe209 • 3h so is this a pity date or..? maybe she’s looking for a sugar daddy?

➥ Reply ⥣ 1.0k ⥥

ifyouseekamy-yn3435 • 1h SHUT UP SHE LOVES ME ➥ Reply ⥣ ⥥ -204

demure-and-mindfull-of-nanami626 • 2h what did zayne do to you???

➥ Reply ⥣ 526 ⥥ 

ifyouseekamy-yn3435 • 1h I got hit by a car for you and I still have to compete with that dude 😃 ➥ Reply ⥣ 153 ⥥ 

[celeste-clearwater-06]

The Kitchen Window (pt. 6 - the epilogue)

Bayverse! Raphael x Fem! Reader

desc- (Raph has to make his intentions clear to you and to whatever it is that you two are)

warnings - none

word count - 2.5k

READ PREVIOUS PARTS BEFORE THIS

“I look stupid, Mike.”

“Nah, bro you look great!” Raph’s younger brother is looking his outfit up and down, trying to perfect any wrinkles or stray threads, “She’s gonna love it, trust me.”

Raph scuffs his new air force’s on the cement, while the other turtle straightens the collar of the graphic tee up around his neck. Maybe he could lend his fashionable little brother a bit of slack. Mikey knew a lot more about this stuff.

It’s early August. Summer’s fleeting, to warm days and cooler nights, which are perfect for this exact occasion.

Raph has been a mess of fluttering nerves all week trying to set this date up, with the help of his brothers and April. Every little detail, meticulously planned.

At first he was gonna do it on his own, in secret. Come to your door, trip over his words and fumble the bag, because lord knows he’s not good with expressing his feelings.

Thank god for April and his siblings, though it hurt his ego a little to come to them and admit he didn’t know how to set up a lousy dinner. Of course they were happy to help. Mikey and April especially.

So now, the five of them were on the roof of your apartment complex and pulling together all of their different tastes and ideas to create this adorable little date for him and his girl.

Raphael didn’t know what the two of you were. After that bizarre (albeit fantastic) first kiss, his visits to you were so much more frequent. Even if it was quick, he’d make a pit stop to your window for a peck on the cheek that kept his spirits up for a long night's patrol. More often than not, you two would be chatting away in the late night hours. And then of course make out a little, with him hanging on the sill like a fool.

It was so great, and it filled Raph with something he didn’t know he needed. Every second he wasn’t with you, he counted down till the next time he'd meet your gorgeous face again, greeting him with a kind, welcoming smile that made his knees wobble. But that was it.

There wasn’t really a label. Not that he liked those anyway.

He just needed some clarity. Some sort of outwardly spoken agreement that you guys weren’t just really good friends who kissed and held hands and tried to hold in your laughter in the dark, trying not to disturb the peace of your neighbors.

“Oh this looks great.”

Raph watches the way April appreciates her work of a cute little vase of flowers on the center of a table, hands settled on her hips. Well, it’s less of a table than it is a large wooden crate with a nice-ish tablecloth, but it serves just the same. It’s not too extravagant, not too drab. Just right. It suits the mix of your different lives. Little, dollar store candles light the area with a warm haze, next to the tin containers filled with the meal you’d taught him to make months ago. He’s hoping it tastes as good as it did when you make it. Raph hasn’t told you how often he whips it up at the lair when he’s missing you.

“How’s lookout, Leo?”

The blue-banded turtle looks over his shoulder, where he’s crouched on the ledge right next to the fire escape ladder.

“All clear.”

Thankfully, everything seems to be coming together just as Raph wanted it to. It settles some of the butterflies that rage in his stomach. The time for one of his brother’s to go and fetch you from your apartment is growing closer and closer while Donnie is scooting the plastic folding chairs next to the crate.

He’s so not ready for this. A little voice is nagging in the back of his head to just back out now.

Raph knows you’ll at least like it. Just how you like everything else he does for you. He has no clue why this is so damn difficult.

“Alright, Raph.”

April clasps her hands together and looks up to him for approval.

“What do we think?”

He thinks it looks great. Raphael loves the gentle little glow everything gives against the dim light pollution that stretches out over the city. Will you?

“You’re a lifesaver, O’Niel.”

“Don’t forget it.”

He snorts.

“I guess it’s showtime then!”

Mikey attacks his older brother with a hug from behind.

“Aw come on Mike!” Raph’s trying to swat him off his shell, but not before his two other siblings, and April crowd him with an embrace, that eases the nerves running rampant. He rolls his eyes, but can’t hold back the grateful grin that breaks through his annoyance. Their words are encouraging and warm, fueling the confidence he’s so desperately been trying to grasp for all this time.

“You’re gonna be fine.”

“Trust us, she is gonna love it.”

Leo’s hand ruffles over Raph’s red bandanna.

“Go get em’, tiger.”

Ouf, what a cornball.

“Alright, alright!” They all break away from the group hug with excited smiles. This is home to Raphael. All his favorite people- well, most - in his corner of the ring and hyping his happy-ass up to romance a cute girl.

“Leo?”

“I’ll go get her for you.”

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Your apartment is warm. Over the weeks, the walls are filled with picture frames and cute decor that April and the boys have been bringing you. Polaroids of you and the boys are littered on your bedside table and posted on the fridge with little paw print magnets. Most of them are with or of Raph. Him sleeping with an open mouth, or being dog-piled on by Mike and Donnie. Your favorite is the one where you’re sitting on his shoulders, laughing, while he’s grinning into the camera flash. April took it, down in the lair, where he was parading you around after everyone had a few-too-many drinks. The once empty living space is now full of life and love and sooo, so many cat toys.

You’re on the livingroom floor now, playing with sweet Vannie to distract you from the lack of texts from your best friend. It’s been worrying you all day, that Raph hasn’t responded to any of your messages, even the funny memes, like the others you send him daily.

You’d given up on the last message, a little over an hour ago, though it doesn’t keep you from repeatedly glancing at your phone while your cat darts after the laser pointer across the carpet and onto the sofa. The little bell on her collar tinks quickly with each movement. She sees someone through your window before you. Two taps against the glass make your head whip around excitedly.

It’s not who you’re expecting, but Leo’s visit is still a nice surprise.

“Hey Lee!” You hide the disappointment with a happy smile that he returns.

“How’s it going?”

“Good! Good,” he doesn’t miss the way you’re trying to peek over his shoulder, “Have you heard from Raph at all? I couldn’t get a hold of him today.”

“Actually yeah.”

This perks your attention right back up, locking with his eyes that carry a mischievous glow.

“Oh! How’s he doing? He didn’t get hurt on patrol, did he?”

Leo chuckles.

“Nah. He’s been busy.”

Busy? Weird. Even if Raphael were kicking sorry ass, he’d text you back in a heartbeat. Something fishy was going on.

“Oh. Huh.”

“You wanna see him?”

That, you couldn’t say no to.

“Is he here?”

Leo knows, with the way you two talk about each other, that it’s love. He knows more than both of you. It's so funny how his younger brother and you will spend hours at a time just sitting in silence or talking about life, and then when you’re apart, all that one of you can think or say has something to do with the other.

“He’s up top,” his head gestures back up the fire escape. You’re already climbing out the window, while he and Vannie stare. Lee takes a hold of your arm when your foot reaches that first step. You look back at him with a puzzled stare.

“You gotta close your eyes.”

“What?”

It’s a surprise. That makes you nervous.

“Just trust me. I’ll take you up there, you just can’t look.”

Uh oh. You’re hesitant to follow his instructions, but his hand is already blinding your vision, and he’s scooping you of your feet. You shout in surprise.

“Leo, what’s going on?”

The only reply you recieve is his heavy footfall on the metal stairs. He has to take his hand away, but you keep your eyes clenched shut, partially to obey his order, but the other is so you don’t have to see how far up you might be from the ground below.

“This is freaking me out Lee,”

“I’m not gonna drop you.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

Oh, he knows. He’s just great at keeping secrets.

The final, thudding footstep lands on concrete, and he sets you on the ground, steadying you onto your feet. Your breath is nervous, heart racing, senses heightened. You can hear the buzz of the city off in the distance. A cool breeze brush through your hair. The concrete scraping on your wooly socks.

“Alright, take a look.”

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Your eyes blink open. Then again. Your brain isn’t processing whatever is in front of you, until he speaks.

“Hey, Sunshine.”

Raph’s hands are shoved into the front pockets of jeans you’ve never seen him in. They’re new. So are his shoes, and the black, long sleeve tee that’s perfectly tailored to fit, and let his shell still breathe from the back. The casual clothes are incredibly flattering on him. You can still see the faint lines of his toned muscles under the cotton, catching in soft light. He’s so handsome, it hurts. And cute. GOD was he cute.

Shifting his weight, subtly from one foot to the other and smiling, anxious and bashful, while you stare at him in bafflement. Behind him is an adorable, candle lit dinner and your favorite flowers in a glass vase, all tuned with the ambient sounds of New York.

“Oh, Raph.”

His name comes out in a sigh, incredulous, full of shock and wonder. You take a few steps forward to better take in the effort he’s thrown into all of this. You’re nearly speechless, breathless, and trying to swallow the lump in your throat. He set up a date. A date! For you!

“You like it?”

His eyes are hesitant, but full of a childlike hope when they meet yours.

“Raph, this is… you did this?”

“Well, I had help. I ain’t this creative.” Raph chuckles nervously, nodding to where Leo was standing, now gone without a trace, “But… yeah.”

“For… me?”

You’re still so surprised at the sweetness of it all.

“Well, I’d hate to be up here eatin chicken and rice by myself all night, so yeah.”

He’s easing up, gentle grin mirroring yours.

“Raph this is so great!”

Like a kid, you all but skip over to look closer at the make-shift table and chicken and rice in their bowls, stream rolling off in the tepid air, while your fingers over the tablecloth. He’s laughing at your stupidly huge smile.

“I was hoping you might think so.”

You look up at him, face glowing in the candlelight.

“I know I haven’t been texting you back. Been a nervous wreck all day.”

His expression contorted into a soft gout of admiration, a soft smile, and even softer, green eyes. Your heart leaps. You know what that look is. You’ve seen it so many times in Raph’s face and now you’re putting it all together while he stands just feet from you. He’s so perfect.

You stride back over to him and let him take your hands in his. He’s nervous again, taking a deep breath.

“Look,” he begins, “I just… I figured if we’re a thing and all…Well, I wanna do this the right way. I hope it’s alright with you. I know it’s nothin’ fancy but…”

He groans, slapping hand over his face. You giggle at how he trips over his sentence.

“I had a whole, stupid speech for this shit. Now I just look like a fuckin’ idiot.”

Those fumbling, nervous words speak novels to you. He doesn’t have to say much for you to just get exactly what Raph is trying to say.

“I think… that sounds great,” your voice is soft, “And I also think I’m in love with you and I have had no idea what to do with myself, since the first day we met.“ you exhale the words like they’ve been trying to claw their way from your throat.

This catches him completely off guard. Raph’s eyes are as wide as they were the first night you kissed him. His nostrils flare. Before you think you’ve fucked yourself up royally, he pulls you up towards him in a soul-snatching kiss that depletes the air from your lungs, feet nearly leaving the ground. You’re desperately grabbing at the collar of his shirt to deepen it, but he pulls away, and lifts you completely from the ground in a tight embrace, leaving you both gasping for your breaths.

“Jesus, you have no idea how long I’ve been waitin’ to hear you say that,” Raph sighs next to your ear. “I love ya. A lot.”

His arms tighten further around you and you smell a nice cologne in the crook of his neck, where your head is buried.

He sets you back to your feet and lifts your chin with his finger for a much more gentle, passionate kiss, that you accept happily. His hand rests gently on your hip.

“You’re the best thing that coulda ever happened to a weirdo like me,” Raph’s forehead is pressed down against yours, with closed eyes.

“You’re better,” you counter. He gives your hip a squeeze, “Let’s be something. Even if it’s hard.”

He chuckles.

“Nothin’ I can’t handle, Sunshine.”

You’re both right where you belong, centimeters away from each other, smiling like idiots, and finally off that steep cliff that’s been taunting you for months. Raph is your home, and you’re his, far out of that little kitchen window.

A Polaroid click behind you just makes you shake your head with a flustered grin.

“Mikey, are you shittin me right now?”

You can hear his little brother shuffle back into whatever shadow he came from, laughing along with the rest of the party that's hidden away.

“Fuckin idiot.”

fin <3

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Oh no, wait...

What's this?

A gift for my dear readers?

Take a listen 🤭😝

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I GOT YOUUU

I'VE BEEN SLAVING AWAY AT THIS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRST CHAPTER, JUST TO GET TO THIS POINT MUAHAHAHA

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING (AND LISTENING!!) AS MUCH AS I DID CREATING THIS FUN LITTLE STORY!!!

The Kitchen Window was SUCH A FUN PROJECT, and I'm so glad I've been receiving all of your guys' support, interaction, and kind words 😭😭 as a token of gratitude, I decided to make that little audio clip that has been the death of me to create 🫠

Thank you all again SO FUCKIN MUCH

This concludes the 6 part story, The Kitchen Window 🩷💓💕

Please, LIKE, REBLOG, AND ASK TO BE A PART OF MY TAG LIST SO YOU DONT MISS OUT ON MORE WRITINGS LIKE THIS ONE

Till next time!

LOVE YA BABESSSS 💕💓🩷🌸🧼🫧

taglist - [ @ladyofparchments @well-its-not-human-anymore @raphaelsrightarm @chiliiscereal @milkytheholy1 @moxfirefly @raphsgrl @leosgirl82 @thelaundrybitch @rheawritesforfun @imthegreenfairy86 @aurora-the-kunoichi @angelhazeisaweirdo @raisin-shell @fyreball66 @redsrooftopprincess @milykins @ahhhhhhhhhfuck @quitecontrary-to-mary @the-cauldron-witch @brins-rogers @yelocaltrashcan @pheradream-15 @asillysimp @miranexx @cinnamonskiss @le0n-ardo @silveritydreams @goldenflowerdragon @loveshrubs @glitterystarfishfestival @supersleepyslowpoke @floflodoesart @crimsonrubie ]

[dreamofjoys]

Malleus in a rut

— c/w: smut, afab, malleus in his season eheh, scratching, groping, cockwarming, shower sex, breeding, cunningligus, overstimulation, serpent tongue,

— a/n: i did a similar one but it was for an april fool's prank LOL anyways here's a legitimate one :D i got carried away tbh

Malleus knows it's gonna be his season soon when he starts showing tantrums and being clingy towards you

You know it too, especially during the mornings when he would cling onto your body like a koala, looking at you with puppy dog eyes, begging you to stay in bed with him while snarling at anyone who dares to interrupt his time with you

Times like this, everyone (just malleus honestly) decided that it would be best to just whisk you away to one of his private towers so that no one would disturb the both of you

His season is probably one of the best thing that has happened to him, since he gets to spend infinite amount of time with you without having to bother about his pending workload

Every morning with him is just lazy time, you being too tired and sore from previous night’s activities ahem ahem

You would wake up to Malleus staring at you, propping his elbow up to rest his chin on his palm, his bare chest with scratch marks on displayed

Your face would turn red when you realised how hard you scratched him. Malleus doesn’t really care about it, in fact he loves it when your nails dig into his skin, leaving crescent red marks. Those are physically proof that you are laying your claim on him(or at least in his dragon theory), and he wants you to mark him over and over again

You would forcefully drag yourself out of bed, deciding to take an hour long of morning shower after falling asleep with layers of sweats and.... fluids

But it's all a game over when you start to stand up. A trail of white cum starts leaking down between your legs, reminding you of how much Malleus had dumped his cum in you the previous night

Dragon boy saw it and was not happy at all

He carries you to the shower, turning on the shower head so that the both of you would start cleaning up

However, he's a sneaky boy. He would slot his rock hard cock back into your cunt, determined not to let any of his seeds drip out again

It's romantic at first. The both of you facing each other, rubbing onto each other's body with body wash. You would apply some shampoo to Malleus's wet hair, scratching onto his scalp with foamed bubbles, making him purr in delight

(( THE IMAGE IN MY MIND RN IS THE WATER FROM THE SHOWER HEAD DRIPPING ONTO MALLEUS, MAKING HIS HAIR WET AND THEN IT DRIPS DOWN TO HIS CHEST, MAKING IT LOOK EXTRA SHINY. AND THEN YOUR HANDS ARE SCRATCHING ONTO HIS SCALP AND THERE'S SOME BUBBLES IN IT. HE IS PURRING IN DELIGHT. BARK BARK GRRRR WOOOF))

But then Malleus decided to play around, bucking his hips up in such precise accuracy, making sure that his tip brush onto your sweet spot

Perhaps your little moan in response has triggered his raging hormones again, he had you pressed in a missionary position against the shower wall, beginning to ruthlessly assault your cunt at 8am in the morning

One hand presses on your waist to hold you against the wall while the other roams around your body, spreading - while groping and kneading - the body wash all over your soft flesh

There's really just something turning him on when he sees you drenched from head to toe, folded in half perfectly for him. His cock disappearing in and out from your pussy. God, you are definitely made for him. How he want to just fill you up with his cum, and maybe dirty you a little by cumming all over your body

That 1 hour shower turned into 3 hours of sex

And that wasn't even the end. Lunch was meant to be a break time where people rest and eat to recharge their energy, right???

RIGHT??

In Malleus's eyes, it's just the time for him to eat you out like a starved man. Bending you over the kitchen, spreading your ass cheeks to expose your pretty pussy to him while he dives head right in, fully burying his face in as his tongue laps and swallows everything that you give

It was good at first. His wet muscle may pale in comparison when it comes to his thick cock, but man was excellent at pleasuring you, his mate. His long serpent tongue doing circular motions to feel every single part of your wall spasming around like crazy just on his tongue alone

Would insert two fingers inside just to scissor you, bringing you closer to your orgasm as you let out a high pitched moan, walls clamping down on him before releasing the tight knot

He's a god at making you cum just on his tongue. But when it gets too much, you tried closing your thighs, which resulted to trapping his head in between your legs. Your small hands gripping on his horns, trying to push him away as you tell him that you can't cum anymore. You are hungry, you want to eat. But man only stays stationery in his position, the filthy sound of your slopping wet pussy being devoured continues to echo through the kitchen

If you haven't said your safe word yet, surely, you don't mind, right?

Dinner is... well, dinner. Dragon boy will have you sit on his lap while feeding you like how a mother would feed their child. It's absolutely pleased when you open your mouth to eat the food that he personally spoon feeds you to. A protective arm wraps around your waist, his thumb rubbing circles as you excitedly tell him about one of your outings back in your world

Will think you are a chipmunk when your mouth is stuff with food while looking at him with eager eyes

Sex after dinner? It depends. He knows you are tired and won't push too much (He holds himself back but if you want to, you guys can keep on going)

Basically he becomes sex crazy during this period but man is still a puppy for you regardless of what happens

[thefreakandthehair]

apollo, who?

prompt: beach day | pairing: steddie | wc: 1.5k | rating: teen & up | tags: eddie munson pov, athletic steve, post-canon fix it, pining, reciprocated crushes | written for @pearynice for the @strangerthingswritersguild April Fools exchange! 💕☀️🌊

There are three absolute truths when it comes to Steve Harrington: 

The first is that Steve is a gifted athlete. 

The second is that Steve was born to thrive in the summertime. 

And the third, much to Eddie Munson’s chagrin and horror, is that the combination of the first two truths will be his undoing. In public, no less, because the universe has apparently concocted a plan to let Eddie live but to make him suffer nonetheless. 

Unloading the van had been easy enough— Steve grabbing the cooler stacked to the brim with soda, water, and snacks and Eddie watching as he’d trekked through the sand to where Robin and Nancy set up their chairs and beach umbrella. Most of the kids were long gone already, staking their claim with blankets and towels a few feet away from Robin and Nancy, leaving Eddie to snag the sunblock he’s basically been made to swear a blood oath to Wayne that he’ll apply generously over his scars. 

He leans back over the passenger seat to grab it from the center console, along with his walkman and sunglasses, and when he turns back around, he stops dead. 

Steve’s shirtless.

In the span of ten seconds, Steve’s already shirtless on the beach, nothing but swim trunks hanging from his hips, and Eddie realizes he’s underestimated how fucking beautiful this sight might be. 

The edge of Lake Michigan laps at the rippled sands as Steve reels back and tosses a football that Eddie’s pretty sure materialized out of nowhere to Lucas a few yards down the shore. All of his freckles and moles and scars out on full display, the sun beats down on his tanned skin and uncharacteristically messy hair that Eddie’s watched slowly morph from chestnut to ash brown over the course of the season. 

As Eddie applies his stupid sunblock, he lets himself stare unnoticed. Lucas throws what Eddie assumes is a good pass if Steve’s celebratory, “Great spiral!” means anything and when he puts on his sunglasses, it’s more to shield the blinding light of Steve’s smile than the sun. Maybe it’s cliche, maybe it’s overdone and contrived, but Eddie can’t stop himself from comparing Steve to a Greek fucking God. 

Apollo, who? 

El appears next to Steve and Eddie continues to watch— about three layers of sunblock in at this point because he’s lost track— as Steve demonstrates something. Holding the football in one hand, he points at the laces and seems to check in with El for understanding before handing it over to her and adjusting her grip slightly. When she attempts to throw it to Lucas, it falls short and lands in the sand just a few feet away from where she and Steve stand. 

Eddie’s chest fucking swells as Steve trots over to grab it and simply hands it to her again, smile in place to counteract El’s pout. Three or four tries later, the ball flies straight enough for Lucas to catch it and Jesus H. Christ, Steve cheers like she scored a touchdown, or whatever the fuck it’s called. 

He can’t leave the side of the van. If he makes his way down to the beach, it’ll be all over for him. He’ll have to hide in the water the entire time, and now there’s too much sunblock on his face to blame the inevitable flush on sunburn. It’s fine, he can hang back. Everyone looks preoccupied anyways and with any luck, no one will notice he’s not enjoying the surf and sand with everyone else until it’s time to leave— 

“Eddie!” 

Right, he thinks to himself. I have no luck. 

Steve waves at him to come join, turning that sunshine smile directly at him and it’s a direct hit. Apparently, even on the opposite side of the sands, he’s still a goner. 

“Eddie! C’mon, what’re you waiting for?” He calls out again, both hands resting on his hips. 

It does nothing to quell his urge to stare at places friends aren’t supposed to stare at. As far as he knows, the only person to have picked up on his unfortunate crush is Nancy, who’d seemed to understand the importance of discretion and hasn’t said a word. If he can leave this beach day with his secret intact, he’ll chalk it up as a success. 

“I’m comin’, I’m comin’!” 

With a deep breath, he locks and slams the passenger door to the van and walks out onto the hot sand, barefoot with his sneakers in one hand, SPF 70 in the other, and sunglasses hung over his nose. Distantly, he recognizes the grittiness of the sand beneath his toes and the earthy scent of the freshwater stretching out for miles in front of him but more acutely, he just keeps his eyes on Steve. 

Please let these glasses be tinted, he thinks. 

“Finally, what the hell were you doing up there?” Steve asks when he makes it down the narrow path lines with tall grass. 

“Aw, did you miss me, Big Boy?” Eddie drones with a smirk. If he just acts normal, no one will know the difference. It’s not like Steve ever flirts back—

“And if I did?” 

He hasn't planned for that response. All he’s prepared for is a gentle eye roll, maybe a flustered laugh or furrowed brow, and now Steve’s shirtless, sun-baked, sweat dripping from his temple and suggesting he missed him. 

What the fuck. 

“Heads-up!” Lucas yells and Steve turns just in time to take two steps backward and catch the football coming in their direction. 

There’s no way for Lucas to have known he’d just saved Eddie from something horrendously embarrassing, but he’ll find a way to thank him all the same. 

“Ever throw a football?” Steve holds the oblong ball in one hand, wiggling it at shoulder height with a grin. “I taught El how to throw a spiral, so I think I can teach you, too.” 

Okay, actually, he’s still being subjected to something humiliating. 

“Sports have never really been my—”

“Don’t start with that, c’mere. It’s easy.” Steve gestures with a nod of his head for Eddie to join him further out on the beach and like a satellite to its orbit, he follows. 

It takes way more attempts than it did El— something Max was all too quick to point out loudly— but he does eventually throw something that Steve considers a spiral. Maybe it would’ve taken fewer tries if Steve hadn’t insisted on standing directly behind him, adjusting his stance and grip with his chest damn near pressed against Eddie’s back. 

Of all the unfair cards life has dealt him, this has to be the worst. More than once, he makes eye contact with Nancy who raises an eyebrow and smirks before returning her attention to whatever she and Robin are talking about. 

Probably him. Him and Steve and his dumb, dumb, dumb crush that’s ruining his life. It’s fine. 

When he finally throws the ball at an acceptable angle, Steve claps him on the shoulder and stands next to him, effectively draping an arm over both shoulders. 

“See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

He swallows and turns, breath catching his throat. All of the sun has brought Steve’s freckles to the forefront, a shade darker than usual with new tiny pinpricks of color appearing along his nose with a faint pink hue along his cheekbones. 

If they weren’t in public, he’d do something very, very stupid. Instead, he clears his throat subtly and finds words. 

“Sure, yeah, I’m a regular sports guy now, Steve. Guess I’ve gotta find something to teach you, huh? Y’know, return the favor?” 

“I’ve always wanted to learn guitar. You can show me the basics some time. Or uh,” Steve grins and lowers his voice. “I’m sure there are some other things we can learn together.” 

Eddie’s fully lost track of how many times he’s been caught off-guard so far today, but this one takes the cake. Steve’s fucking flirting with him. Actually flirting with him. Beating him over the goddamn head with it, really. 

“Yeah! Yeah, uh, yeah,” he repeats, smooth. “To both, I mean. Yeah, to both.” 

Steve squeezes his shoulder and unravels his arm with a hopeful expression. 

“We’ll talk more when we aren’t surrounded by nosy shits, especially those two,” Steve nods at Robin and Nancy who wave with their fingers. “In the meantime, race you to the water?” 

“What is it with you jocks?”

He barely has time to get the question out before Steve takes off, plunging into the water a solid foot before Eddie even reaches the shore. 

“That’s cheating, Harrington!” He bellows, running through the sand to join him, heart thundering between his ribs and head still spinning from what just happened. 

“Sounds like what I’d expect from someone who just lost,” Steve shoots back, taking a breath and submerging himself before popping back up. 

Hair slicked back with the freshwater of Lake Michigan, Eddie watches as Steve runs both hands through it, then down his face and back into the lake. Water droplets glisten off his skin and Eddie wades a little closer, finding Steve’s hands once they’re submerged enough to disguise it. 

“Oh, contraire,” Eddie muses. “I feel like I just won.”

[lllivia]

can i request?

pranking Jackie, that u got a hickey from someone else so you can get back at her after she pranked u :p

Happy April Fools Day!!

Jackie Taylor x f!reader

TYSM FOR THE REQUESTT, literally the perfect timing since its April 1st today 😭😭 (I completely forgot about this for MONTHS 💀)

summary: getting revenge on your girlfriend after last year's April Fools Day

warnings: modern au, infidelity prank, not proofread, slightly suggestive at the end

_

Wow maybe this is a little bit too far you can't help but think nervously as you look over yourself in the mirror, makeup brushes scattered across the sink counter.

As you pat your finger one last time over the now very convincing hickey the sense of guilt that was creeping up your throat quickly disappears when you recall the godawful prank your conniving little girlfriend pulled to deserve this.

_

Last April Fools Day you had come home exhausted from a long day at school with a strong need to shower. And you didn't really think much of it as you stepped under the hot stream, letting the water run over your hair and body.

you'd scrubbed off all the grime left from soccer practice before you lastly reached over to your shampoo bottle, eyes still closed as you felt your way over to it before squeezing a generous amount into your hand.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK"

You yelled at your own reflection the second you stepped out of the shower and looked in the fogged up mirror where everything seemed to be normal - except your now bright pink hair.

"What the fuck what the fuck oh my god" you rambled frantically as you quickly searched the name of your girlfriend into your phone, immediately knowing that she was behind this.

"Jackie what did you do!" Is the first thing your raised voice said after she picked up the phone call, irritation bubbling up as she burst out laughing when your disgruntled face shows on her screen, her plan had clearly worked.

"Happy April fools day!!" She responded breathlessly, still not done laughing.

"This is not funny Jax - I look like a clown oh my god" you continued and looked up into the mirror again. Well it didn't actually look that bad - but still.

"Well then you'll be my sexy clown baby, you look hot, I have to say pink is definitely your color" Jackie giggled evilly back, way too smug for your liking as you continued glaring.

_

The dye hadn't washed out of your hair for like a month, and ever since then you had been planning what would be the best way to get back at Jackie.

Everything was ready, you had already set up for her to come over today to just watch a movie and hang out, so it would be perfect to 'accidentally' flash the self made bruise at her while you were cuddling or something.

Your phone suddenly pings.

'I'm standing outside 💕' - Jax 🐰⚽

You quickly cover the makeshift bruise on your neck before walking to the front door, a little bit anxious.

"Hi baby" your girlfriend grins and greets you as she steps inside, immediately making herself comfortable as she throws herself onto your large couch.

"Hi Jackie" you smile back, rubbing your clammy hands on your shorts before following her slightly on edge.

"I know I said we'd go to the arcade but I'm kinda tired today so can we please just watch a movie here?" you sit down next to her and pout, giving her your infamous puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah that's fine.. On one condition" she replies in a serious tone making you sweat even more.

"What?" Surely she hadn't figured out what you were doing yet right?

"You have to win me the biggest teddy they have the next time we go to the arcade" She answers smiling widely.

Pushing her playfully you can't help but roll your eyes lovingly. "yeahh yeah of course"

An hour goes by as you cuddle up together, enjoying each others presence as you watch some movie in the background. Deciding now was the time to finally get back at her, you shift a little, making the bruise more visible to where she was sitting.

Another few minutes go by before it's Jackie's turn to shift uncomfortably as she studies the mark clearly planted on your neck.

"What the fuck is that" she musters.

"Hm what?" You answer, hiding your tiny smirk as you look over at her.

"What the fuck is that bruise on your neck."

You brush your hair back over the mark, acting both confused and slightly defensive.

"I don't know what you're on about Jax" you shrug.

Her eyes blaze with anger as she forcefully grabs your face by the chin, turning your head to the side before studying your neck more closely.

"This is clearly a huge fucking hickey y/n, who was it?"

"No one- it's fine Jackie let's just finish the movie" you pull away.

She stands up.

"I'm leaving, this is such bullshit - I thought we were doing good - perfect even. And then you have to go make out with some whore" she says harshly, blinking away the tears that had slowly crept up on her before storming towards the front door.

Shit that had gone way worse than you were expecting - you weren't even sure what you were expecting from this.

"Jackie wait! Shit" you stumble over your own legs as you rush after your furious girlfriend. "It was a prank! I'm pranking you ok, I just wanted to get back at you for last year"

Just as she was about to turn the handle you catch up with her "I promise, see?" You carefully turn her face towards you again.

"What."

You reach up and rub your hand over your neck forcefully. Turning it red with not only with the bloodflow rushing up towards the friction but also the eyeshadow getting smudged all over.

"It's makeup, it was all fake baby. It was just an April Fools prank - a really really stupid one at that"

You say hastily and caress the girls cheek softly, soothing her.

She looks away again, blinking a couple of more times to process before smiling slightly. "..I guess you got me this time" but then she swats your hand away from her and comes dangerously close. "But if you ever EVER do something like this again, I will kick your ass."

You chuckle "mkay if you say so" then grimace "how about we go out, I feel like I kinda owe you"

She purses her lips for a second before looking you over. "Or- we could stay right here, and I could show you what real hickeys look like"

You scoff smirking "how could I say no to that"

[no-phrogs-in-hats]

Death and the Fool

Chapter 1: The Tower--Reversed

Agatha Harkness x fem!reader

Summary: Where the personification of Life believes she has no chance with Agatha Harkness after Death gets to her first

content: childbirth, takes place at the beginning of episode 9

A/N: Hi! I received a request for a oneshot by @hannah-0730 and decided to turn it into a whole fanfic so lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list!

Spotify playlist for this book can be found here Ao3 link here

“The Tower–Reversed: Internal chaos, avoidance of change, delaying disaster.”

April, 1750

April has always been your favorite month–even when it wasn’t called ‘April’. Hibernations are ending and new life is being born. Bulbs of daffodils are breaking through the warmed soil. New souls are being introduced after remaining at your fingertips. 

This day was no different. The first birth of the day was a baby girl in the New Hampshire colony. Born at twelve–ten in the morning, she had a full head of dark hair and when she opened her eyes they were the darkest shade of blue. 

“Welcome to the world,” you’d whispered, wishing her luck on her journey with a kiss on her head before moving on to the next soul.

You have a special place for every soul. Each one is unique in their own way: each one has their own path, their own personality as they age, but your favorite type of soul will always be the new souls. 

With so much potential, there’s an endless amount of possibilities. You’re able to help guide them to their first life, able to see how they flourish and succeed. And then, you welcome them back to the Soul Plane with open arms.

Each soul is molded by the other souls around it. Every one of them is connected by a string, and you find it extraordinary and utterly beautiful. You have watched every single soul grow. You’ve watched them from the birth of their light, expertly crafted by your skilled hands, all the way to their final life centuries later. 

You’ve never played favorites, but these two were an exception.

You panted heavily as you ran beside her, cloak flowing behind you and your hood falling away from your head. “Agatha, we need to stop!”

As if on cue, she gripped your arm and doubled over in pain. You held her up, wrapping your arm around her back and guiding her off the path. “Come down here, to the river.”

Her breaths were heavy and labored as you removed your blue cloak and laid it out on the pine needle strewn forest floor. Agatha removed her own quickly and tossed it aside, leaning against the tree.

You knelt on the grown, taking the knife strapped to you from its harness and cut off a decent sized piece of your cloak. You quickly moved down to the riverbed and soaked it in the cool spring water before making your way back to Agatha.

She was drenched in sweat when you pressed the cloth to her forehead and neck. You let her grip your hand as you continued dabbing the sweat off her, “It’s okay…It’ll be okay…”

But, in truth, you didn’t know if it would be. Death–Rio–she had never been interested in the making of souls. In her words, it was too complicated and she’d rather stick to her “job description”. 

When it came to this soul however, she was insistent on helping.

“It’s my child,” she tried to reason. “I think I have the right to at least help with the creation of their soul!”

You weren’t stupid. You knew how it would end, whether or not she helped make the new soul.

The grip Agatha had on your hand tightened even more as she cried out in pain. “Something isn’t right,” she managed to get out. “Something–Oh, God!”

You looked up from her and ten yards away was a figure. She stood there, quietly observing you both in her green cloak.

“Rio,” you mutter.

Agatha turned her head toward Rio as she cried out again. “No! No! I told you not to come!”

Rio began walking towards you. Mud stained her cloak as it trailed behind her, and though her presence felt threatening, you could see it in her face that this was the last thing she wanted to do. 

Rio stopped a good distance away, “I had to…”

Agatha’s nostrils flared in frustration and her jaw tensed, “If you do this, I will hate you forever!”

But that didn’t seem to shake Rio outwardly. Instead, she offered a subtle nod, almost saying, ‘I can live with that’.

“Please let him live!” Agatha sobbed. “Please, my love!”

Rio looked at you with regret in her eyes and you sighed, “Rio, just this once, please! At least offer time.” 

Rio closed her eyes as Agatha once again groaned in pain. She had a decision to make and it needed to be made quickly. She let out a sigh and opened her eyes. “Okay,” she said softly, “but it is inevitable.”

When Agatha’s eyes opened again Rio was gone and she sighed, her thoughts muddled as she tried to speak, “She…what…”

“She’s given you time, Aggie,” you whispered. “Your son will live.”

A relieved sigh was let out and it turned into a broken moan as another contraction washed over her. You quickly pulled the hem of her chemise up and over her thighs, reaching to the side to grab her own cloak and place it in front of you. 

“Okay, Agatha,” you huffed. “I need you to give one big push.” You reached your hand up and she took it, squeezing it hard as she screamed. “Good,” you said. “Just one more to get the shoulders out. Squeeze my hand.”

The shrill sound of a baby’s cry echoed through the woods as you grasped the child with the cloak in front of you. 

“Welcome to the world,” you smiled.

You had never seen Agatha cry, but the moment her son was placed on her chest her walls broke. As she held him close, you picked up the wet rag again and brought it to his skin. You cleaned off what you could before cutting off more squares of your cloak. 

“I’ll be right back,” you muttered, standing up and making your way back down to the river. 

You went back with cloths dripping water and sat down in front of Agatha, beginning to clean her son off.

“I think,” she sighed, “I think I’ll call him Nicholas.”

You smiled softly and continued washing him off, “Maybe you could call him Nicky for short.”

“I like that,” she mumbled, smiling down at him. “Nicky.”

When Nicky was finally clean, you managed to swaddle him loosely in Agatha’s cloak. You settled beside them closely and since meeting her, you had never seen her so happy.

“How much time did she give him?” Agatha’s voice was meek and her smile had dropped when she turned her head to look at you. 

You took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes, “I don’t know. I wish I could tell you, but I won’t know until it happens.”

Her voice was strained, “Okay.”

After a trip to the river to help Agatha clean up, the two of you sat peacefully against the tree for at least an hour. It was quiet, the sound of birds and the rustle of leaves lulling both Agatha and Nicky into a light doze. You didn’t want to wake them, and you certainly didn’t want to leave them, but you knew you had to.

You placed your hand on Agatha’s shoulder. “Aggie,” you whispered, pulling back when she startled awake. “Come on, we have to go.”

You managed to create a sling out of your cloak, allowing Agatha to hold Nicky close to her while holding onto you for support. 

The sun was setting as you walked a path through the woods. With the direction you were walking, it was directly to Agatha’s left and the sight nearly made you weak. Her silhouette was illuminated in golden light as she walked and it made her look as if she were glowing–she was completely and unequivocally beautiful.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

You grinned, “Well, sometimes, the Soul Plane gets a bit boring, so Rio and I made ourselves a little cottage. There’s a garden there so I’ll grow you some fruits and vegetables, and a stream runs right by it so you’ll have water.” 

“Sounds like paradise,” Agatha chuckled.

The sun was almost entirely set and the air had grown chilly by the time you reached the cottage. When you entered, you immediately lit a fire in the hearth, smiling to yourself as you heard Agatha groan while sitting down.

“There are two rooms,” you said, “Mine is on the left, so you’re free to take clean clothing if you’d like.”

After gathering fruits and vegetables from the garden and replenishing it afterwards, you made your way back to the warmth of the cottage. In front of the fire, Agatha sat in a chair, holding Nicky close to her chest as she fed him. Her dirty chemise from earlier was replaced by a shawl and one of your own chemises, pristine and white as if it had never been worn before.

“I picked some apples from the tree,” you said, setting a basket down on a wooden table. “And some potatoes, carrots, peaches, strawberries, and peas. I grew some more of everything, so you should have a few months worth of food.”

Agatha smiled softly, her eyes giving way to her exhaustion. “Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome…” There was a beat of silence before you continued speaking. “If you’d like me to, I can stay the night, but–”

“Will you?” Agatha asked. 

You tensed up, not actually expecting her to ask. She was always alone, liking to be by herself–a covenless witch, she called herself. “Oh…yes. Of course.” At the sight of her smile, you relaxed. “Well, I hate these dresses, so I’m going to change into something more comfortable.”

With your own underclothes on a shawl to add an extra layer, you fixed a fire in both of the bedrooms  and rejoined Agatha with a book in your hand. “The bedrooms are ready and…I think Rio suspected we’d come here because there’s a cradle in her room…”

Agatha looked at you with a mix of emotions in her eyes, “There is?”

You nodded. “You and Nicky are more than welcome to sleep in there, Aggie.”

The night was quiet after Agatha went to bed early, politely declining your offer of dinner. You stayed in front of the hearth reading until the clock showed it was half past ten and you put the embers of the fire out. 

Before you could make it to your own room, lit candle in hand, crying pierces the air. You walked across the room to Rio’s room and just before you’re able to knock, Nicky’s shrieks stopped. The door is cracked and through the cool air and the crackling of the fire in her room, you can make out the sound of humming. And then, the sound of singing.

You felt warm, to see this side of her that no one else has seen–not even Rio since she had left earlier in the day. This was a woman whose tongue could cut sharper than a knife, whose wit was beyond measure, and who had never dropped her stone-cold mask for anyone.

And she was singing.

Agatha Harkness was singing a lullaby.

You leave her be and walk back to your room, unable to shake the picture of Agatha. Once settled into bed, you find that sleep doesn’t come easily. Your mind lingers on Agatha and no matter what you do, nothing helps. You toss and turn, but still, you think about Agatha and her perfect lips and her perfect eyes and her dark hair and the lullaby and how maybe, just maybe, one day she’d feel the same way about you. 

Perhaps you would no longer be the Fool in the deck. Perhaps you would be the Ten of Cups. But for now, you would remain the Fool, naive and hopeful, chasing after your Sun and preparing for the grief that would inevitably turn her into the Three of Swords.

[reallyromealone]

Title: young and beautiful

Fandom: Shrek

Pairing: prince charming x male reader

Warnings: tall strong reader, size difference

Notes: April fools (if you saw this by accident no you didn't ❤️)

☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️🐟☁️

(Name) sighed as he slipped his drink, another ball he was forced to attend as his sister ran off with her husband and played house in a swamp, everyone in far far away that mattered was here including the fairy godmother and her son, woman and men alike fawning over him as (name) just wanted to go back into the palace and avoid this mess.

"Why don't you go talk to the prince?" Queen Lilian tried to urge her son, (name) had no interest in talking to that blond twink as he downed the rest of his drink "oh no, I'm out of wine" he said robotically as he went to the table of wine glasses and ignored the servers with champagne and wine, fully planning on slipping away from it all and go anywhere else, though luck wasn't even remotely on his side as Prince charming locked eyes with him and ignored his fans, (name) knew his game and knew he was going to try and slut his way into a crown.

He wasn't going to allow him to do that, he wasn't going to fawn over this man.

"My~ aren't you handsome" charming said with a low chuckle as he gently touched (name)s bicep but the crown prince had no interest as he stared at him blankly "best you got?" (Name) said as he took another glass, champagne this time and stared at the blond "I am not swayed to pretty words and touches" he said before walking away and charming looked furious at the fact his flirting failed laughably, (name) barely paying him mind.

"You don't get to walk away from me!" He huffed and followed the prince as (name) walked into the palace "can and I will, my palace I can do what I want" (name) said simply and charming glared "why aren't you interested in me?!"

(Name) halted and looked at him "I have seen you a million times, a pretty face who wants a pretty castle and pretty things but no interest in me and use me for my fortune, tell me charming... Would you love me when I'm old? When I'm no longer young and beautiful? Or would you only marry me for wealth?" He asked as he loomed over the bond prince, staring down at him coldly before leaning into his ear and whispering "I'm not going to be swayed by a twink with nice hair, I marry for love not so my partner can treat me like a cash cow"

Charming wasn't sure what to do, no one spoke to him like that and frankly... It was kind of hot.

"And he called be a blond twink!" He seethed to his mother who went over her budget reports "he's always been a prickly prince, sweety" the fairy god mother said lovingly to her son who grumbled as he wandered back to his bedroom and thought about the altercation once more, he was so demanding and serious with him! Calling him demeaning names and looking at him like a common whore.

He wanted more.

(Name) sighed as he worked on his coronation, his parents getting up in years and wanting to retire so he had to make sure it was perfect as it would reflect on him, he needed to have the best start to his rule after all.

"Sweety why don't you take a rest" Queen Lilian tried to urge her son but Howard huffed "leave him be, my love" (name) was always the serious one compared to his sister which said something, the two very different in their attitudes in life and (name) just wanted the kingdom to go in a better direction "will you be... Inviting your sister to the wedding"

"Her and the family are invited yes, it will take them till the coronation to get here" he never met his nieces or nephews but he was curious about them... He never saw an ogre baby.

He didn't see charming till three and a half weeks after the ball, a dinner party this time, the two set right beside each other as Charming looked at the strong king to be, wanting to provoke him to get another one of this reactions again but the other just sighed "why do you insist on my attention? Haven't I already told you?" He grumbled and charming just seemed giddy at the glare "come now, you can't possibly not like me~" he flirted and (name) just looked at him blankly before returning to his meal, the other guests giggling quietly at them, to the others it sounded like an old married couple bickering.

It wasn't until the end of the night when (name) had enough, and dragged charming to a forgotten hallway where the blond grinned but his breath was knocked out when (name) had him pinned to the wall, nose inches from his own "can you kindly fuck off? I know your angle and frankly I'm not impressed by your insistence! You are fully aware I have no intentions of being with someone who is only after the crown and yet you p e r s i s t" his voice cold and deep and he would have pulled away if it weren't for the raging erection that pressed against (name)s thigh "oh dear..." Charming and (name) both looked down and (name) sighed "were you being annoying and such for a reaction due to your degradation kink?" He asked bored and Charming sputtered out some things and looked flustered much to the normally serious kings to be amusement "oh please! Like I would do something like that! What do you take me for?! Some harlot?!"

Things connected for (name), he probably wanted him for the crown at first then realized he was into how blunt and such (name) was and subconsciously seeked out insults once he figured out he liked being put in his place.

It made sense, seeing as he needed attention constantly.

"I just don't understand how she could do something so /tacky/! It's completely disgusting to be wearing such clashing color combinations and think it's fashion!" Charming grumbled as he had his face mask on, doing his nails as (name) read the paper and listened to his husband bitch about what Snow white did, his crown on a pillow on the bedside as was charmings on his side "can you believe it!"

"I can hardly believe it, my dear" (name) mumbled as Charming huffed but knew (name) was listening, he was always listening to the blonds words even if you (name) it was absolute nonsense as he slept on the others broad shoulder and (name) flicked off the lamp that hung on the wall.

"Goodnight my love"

[abiiors]

birthday wish - matty x reader

part 1 of matty's birthday weekend a/n: this is scheduled. by the time this goes up, i will (hopefully🤞🏼) be on a beach somewhere, day drunk 😌 cw: very vague and brief descriptions of a panic attack, alcohol and drinking, mayhem is still with matty here because that's how it should be. also...a smidge of angst, idiots friends to lovers wc: 3.1k

“matty you fucking dick!”

her screech echoes throughout the lower floor of his house and matty bursts out laughing. george stirs on the nearby sofa, huffs something unintelligible and goes back to sleep. 

it’s 9 in the morning the day after they’ve had a late night out, no one should be awake at such an ungodly hour… least of all him. but matty has a mission to accomplish, the fucking childish prank he’s been planning for weeks to see through. 

and this scream—her calling him a “fucking dick”—is the precise reaction he’s been hoping for. 

seconds later she stomps out of his room and matty damn near pisses himself at the sight of her—dripping in water like a wet, angry cat, her t-shirt clinging to her body in all the damp spots and hair as green as an oompa-loompa's. even like this she’s a vision.

“what the fuck did you do?!” she yells again, absolutely fuming. 

between peals of laughter, he somehow manages three words. “happy april fool’s.”

“oh don’t you fucking dare. watch your back healy, i swear to god…”

and then all the yelling wakes george up who takes one look at her and flinches back. he actually flinches back letting out a string of curses in the process until his butt hits the floor. 

matty doubles over, clutching his sides, and wolf-whistles at her just to piss her off a little more. 

“hair dye in a shampoo bottle, how clever,” she huffs, crossing her arms in front of her until the damp  t-shirt sticks to her boobs and the wind gets knocked out of matty’s chest. 

suddenly, nothing is funny—not the green-tinged puddle of water near her feet, not the way her nostrils flare in anger. 

matty’s breath hitches in his throat, and perhaps for the first time he looks at her properly. the damp t-shirt ends halfway down her thighs, bunched up on one side so he can almost see the little group of freckles on the apex of her thigh. the anger makes her eyebrows furrow, makes a small crease appear right between them and matty wishes so desperately he could smooth it with his thumb. his hands tremble at his sides and he tightens them into a fist. 

finally, after what feels like an eternity, george bursts out laughing. 

matty startles—he’d honestly forgotten george was even there, still waking up from sleep and now that he is fully awake, george bursts into a fit of obnoxious cackles. 

“what the fuck happened to you,” he teases to which she just lifts one finger and points it straight at matty. 

matty, despite everything, blushes to the roots of his hair. now that he’s started thinking all these thoughts about her he can’t fucking stop—can’t stop when she bunches the towel in her hands and throws it at him so quick that it makes the t-shirt ride up a bit more. can’t stop when she places her hands on her hips so that the contours of her chest stand out under the damp t-shirt.

he has half a thought to tackle george so he won’t be able to look at her anymore but matty suppresses the urge. barely. 

“i’ll get you back, healy,” she threatens and storms back to his room. 

sure matty was the one who offered to let her have a shower in his bathroom—one, so she could stay over with the rest of their friends for the night, and two, so he could execute the prank. but now he can’t stop imagining it—her under the shower (does she sing?) using his shampoo, his body wash. 

does she smell like him now? he’d die if he got close enough to find out. 

“alright, mate?” george jerks him out of his thoughts. matty turns around to see his friend stretching sleepily, but george’s eyes are still very much trained on matty. his lips are very much pressed into a thin line. 

“you both are insufferable, don’t get why you won’t just tell her,” he mumbles on the way to the kitchen pulling out a mug for himself. 

“don’t know what you’re talking about,” matty shrugs, perhaps a bit too quick and gets another mug out. he puts the kettle on boil, gets the coffee and sugar out.

the whole time george stays quiet but matty can feel his burning stare on the back of his head. 

only when the coffees are done and george takes the first sip does he speak. 

“sure you don’t,” he mutters in a dry tone and takes his phone out (definitely to text charli and gossip about matty’s love life. or the lack thereof.)

in his head he guesses the texts that are being exchanged between them.

he’s chickened out again. 

really? i fucking knew it, he’s never gonna get to it. 

right? she might as well date someone else. 

i should set her up with a friend…

and then shakes his head like that would get rid of the frankly ridiculous thoughts. his friends would never do that to him. they've already meddled and invested too much in his love life by now to give up so easily. besides, he’ll get to it. someday. eventually. 

he’ll get to it when his insides don’t feel like jelly around her. 

he’ll get to it when he feels a bit more brave.

matty’s birthday wish has stayed consistent for the last two years. he wishes he could make a move. he wishes she were single—well, one of those things is true now. he’s no longer pathetic enough to yearn for a girl who’s already with someone else. 

he’ll never admit it to anyone but he did feel a bit of joy when she broke up with her boyfriend earlier that year—okay maybe a lot of joy when he saw how quickly she moved on. 

“we’d been growing distant for some time anyway,” she’d confessed when he checked up on her after the break up. “it was inevitable.”

and now that matty’s birthday gets closer and closer, he thinks of all ways to amend that wish. 

please fucking please give me the courage to just kiss her. 

he doesn’t know who he’s making the wish to. god?? he highly doubts it. the universe?? he scarcely believes in all that new age spirituality crap. the fucking candle company and the cake maker then. 

oh great vanilla bean who sacrificed itself for my cake… give me the courage to finally kiss her. 

he's got like a week still… if he wished every single day starting today, maybe it will come true. cake and candles or not. he's a grown fucking man, he can make a wish before blowing on a fag.

sometime around 5 pm he wakes up to an empty apartment, lingering taste of the sweet vanilla cake that she’d baked for him last year still so fresh on his tongue. 

there’s something else too… there’s the Moment that he’s not quite sure counts as a Moment even though he remembers it vividly—her fingers brushing against his lips while she was wiping away a bit of the frosting, nails grazing against his lips. just a touch too long. all of it—the intense stare, the looking away right after, the refusal to look him in the eye for the rest of the night—all of it feels like a Moment. but the rational part of his brain steers him away from that thought. 

she had a boyfriend at the time. she wouldn’t pine after someone else. least of all him. 

a somewhat humiliating memory resurfaces too—his own lyrics coming to bite him back in the ass—the speaker blaring “she’s got a boyfriend anyway” over and over again while he tries not to punch the dj. 

matty stretches and gets out of bed.

the utter silence feels nice for a change—nicer when half the house is bathed in golden light and he can just stroll through the house in search of some weed and crisps and pop. maybe call his brother and demand that mario kart rematch that’s so so long overdue. 

maybe he should let mayhem out into the backyard first. 

mayhem…

matty freezes in his tracks and slowly turns around, almost like he’s in a horror movie. 

he has not heard the dog bark once! usually mayhem is up and running at him the moment he senses him within a ten feet radius. today however, there’s no patter of paws on the floor. 

matty runs to check the little outdoor area where mayhem usually sits. even before he opens the door though, matty knows what he will find—an empty dog bed, possibly an empty food bowl. 

he lets out a low whistle and twists the door open. there’s an uncharacteristic, loud clatter and a second later he stands at the threshold, doused in hot pink glitter, dog-less, in the middle of his house. 

i’ll get you back, healy!

matty giggles to himself and takes his phone out of his pocket, trying not to get the glitter everywhere. (although by now it’s pretty much settled into his dna, he’s sure of it) 

she picks up on the second ring, followed by a very fake clearing of her throat. 

“did you steal my dog, darling?” matty launches straight into it, trying to hide the smile in his voice.

“no!” and then there’s a faint little yip in the background that sounds suspiciously like the one he hears daily. 

“right…”

“right. that all?”

as gently as he can, matty dusts off the glitter in place and walks back inside in search of a mop or something. he needs to contain the carnage somehow, but on the phone she clears her throat again. 

“did anything else happen?” 

the little giggle in her voice is so obvious to him. matty imagines what she looks like on the other side—on her bed maybe, cuddled up with mayhem who secretly seems to prefer her so much more than matty. on her bed in just a t-shirt maybe… he reigns it in before the thoughts can progress any forward. 

“mayhem seems to have ran away.”

“oh?” then there’s a little silence, which instantly fills with the sound of paws on hard wood. “maybe he’ll come back,” she hedges, “maybe…once the dye in my hair goes away, who knows.”

“is that so?”

“yeah, just a hunch.”

the silence stretches on, none of them willing to hang up first. matty wonders if she’s sat there biting her lip, trying to stifle a laugh. matty wonders what it would be like if he were to bite her lip instead.

“still green?” he tries to tease, voice slightly breathy.

“still sparkly?” she quips back. and well…yes, he is. he’s sure he’s going to be for the rest of time.

“the day’s not over yet, sweetheart.”

sweetheart. where the fuck did that come from? matty runs a shaky hand through his hair and grimaces when it come away hot pink and sparkly. it’s all over his hair too… great.

“is that a threat, darling?” matty almost chokes at the word, his face heats up. fuckin’ hell… if this is what he’s like after one word…

“we’ll see about that tonight.” 

and then like a coward he hangs up before she can shake his composure any further. he closes his eyes and focuses on the birthday wish one more time—it might as well be today, he’s faux-celebrating his birthday later with a few people who can’t be there on the actual day. he just needs to get his shit together and…not fuck up.

he fucks up almost instantly. 

when he walks into the dimly lit pub, he can spot the green-head right from the door. she’s in a flowery blouse and jeans and pulling the hair off so well that he wonders if he should have done this months ago. but matty shakes off his jitters and walks up to his friends. 

several of them are already pretty tipsy, singing and dancing along to the tunes. he is fashionably late after all. they greet him, slapping him on the shoulder as he passes by, drunkenly yelling “happy birthday” even though it’s a week away. graciously, he thanks them all, laughing and joking with his friends before making his way to her. 

turns out the list of tipsy people also includes her.

she beams when she sees him, hurrying to put her cocktail away so she can throw her arms around him. a second later her perfume invades all his senses. matty closes his eyes and takes a deep breath of it. 

“i was waiting for you,” she declares, a few words coming out slurred. “i’ve decided i like the green.”

“yeah? it looks beautiful on you.”

quickly she wrinkles her nose, stepping away from him. “you’re making fun of me!”

“‘m not!” he vehemently defends himself but in the end it’s all in good fun. fondly, she rolls her eyes and grabs his hand, pulling him to the bar. 

“i asked them to set aside this one bottle of wine for you. feel like you’d like it.”

a strange warmth spreads through him—it’s not the most special thing someone’s done for him, it’s just a bottle of wine. but then again nothing is just something when it comes to her. 

she thought about him. she’d been thinking about him. however briefly. 

matty almost leans across and kisses her then but thinks better of it. a crowded pub is no place to do it. 

turns out his first mistake of the night is drinking the wine. well… drinking too much and too fast anyway. 

what starts off as slow sips and savouring the red quickly turns into glasses of wine in a corner while they joke around and giggle uncontrollably. she’s flushed, twinkly-eyed and a bit more than tipsy now. 

matty, on the other hand, might very well be drunk. 

he feels the effects of it—the feeling of his blood being replaced by wine, the buzz in his head, the lack of filter in his words. oh, his head is going to kill him tomorrow.

he doesn’t mind though, anything to be sat here across from her, giggling over an overpriced (but delicious) bottle of wine. matty leans forward, chin on the palm of his hand and watches her laugh at his silly joke. 

“you’re gorgeous, did i tell you that?” for a moment he doesn’t recognise the voice. it’s slurred and deeper than usual and that’s not something he’d ever admit to her so casually. but then she giggles and ruffles his hair, laughing harder when her fingers come back, coated in a bit of glitter. 

“you’re so drunk. but i appreciate it, thank you.”

“no no, i’m not! i mean i am but— i mean it i—” he’s wide-eyed and failing to explain just how much he means it. matty just wants her to understand. this is not some frivolous confession of a wine-addled brain, this is serious. he is serious. 

desperation overrides any sane instinct in his brain. which is his second mistake of the night. 

the words come out faster than he can process them, faster than he can filter them and make them digestible. 

“you– you don’t know how long i’ve waited to say this. every time i get enough courage there’s either a boyfriend or something else. there’s always— fuck, forget all that. that doesn’t matter—”

“matty—”

“no, no listen to me, listen to what i’m trying to tell you.” 

the more he speaks (rambles) the more the smile slips from her face, replaced by something he can’t quite place. she’s not… disgusted by him, is she? he hopes not. that really would be the final nail in the coffin. 

“i’ve been trying—” he chokes, deeply swallowing more wine, “—been trying to tell you, i love you! i love you, i love you, i love you. i have for so long!”

and that’s when she pulls back entirely, leaning back into her chair as if she can’t put enough distance between them. her face shutters into an unreadable mask and matty feels panic bubbling up deep inside his stomach. 

shit shit shit. 

what has he done. 

oh god, he clearly wasn’t thinking straight. this wasn’t how it was meant to go. this wasn’t how any of it wasn’t meant to go. it was meant to be followed by a kiss and maybe more. it was meant to be followed by an “i love you too”. 

not… indifference. 

or worse… disgust. 

which is when he makes his third (and perhaps the worst) mistake of the night. 

matty laughs. it’s hysterical and sharp and verging on cruel. he laughs until he can feel the tears in his eyes and he can only hope they don’t spill down his cheeks. and then he says the words he can never take back. 

“oh god, look at your face. i was joking!”

“what…”

“it’s still the first of april, did you forget?”

each word is like a nail being hammered into his heart. but matty hopes it would be enough. in two seconds she’d roll her eyes and laugh at herself for falling for it. in a minute they will go back to drinking and joking. matty can pretend. he’s become quite good at it. 

instead, she gets up so fast that her chair almost clatters to the ground. 

in the dim lightning of the pub, matty can’t see the tears gathered in her eyes. although that might be because his eyes are still blurry from his own tears. 

“love—”

“you’re a cunt, matty.” she says the words with an eerie calmness, mechanically gathers her bag and phone and walks away. only then does he register the extent of what’s happening. 

the wine bottle falls to the floor and shatters when he drunkenly bumps into the table. red spills everywhere, soaking his shoes, the leg of his jeans. he hurries after her, tripping and falling as the full force of the alcohol hits him once again, calling out her name again and again. the music drowns it out. 

she’s out the door before matty’s even halfway across the pub. 

fuck… how did it go so wrong so quick. 

how did he mess it up so bad… 

he almost retches right there on the floor, grabbing a passer-by to steady himself. he needs to do something, he needs to make this right. he needs to…

he doesn't know what. his heart pounds in his chest and his throat feels so dry and tight he can barely speak, barely even breathe. matty sinks to his knees right there in the middle of the pub, gasping for breath. 

he doesn’t know what happens next, doesn’t remember much after that. all he remembers is the feeling of doom and the loud, odd rhythm of his heart. 

taglist: @scooby-doodoo @partoftheairforce @justgoatsbreakinghearts0855 @beachesgetpeaches @you-muppet @mcabister @alexmarie29 @at-her-very-foreign @hfkait @squishysoupy @sierraeslaprincesa @harrie-fic-center @alien-girl-violet @thereisaplaceintheheart @kennedy-brooke @lolidontknowanymore @theoriginalwhatsername @celestcies @sugarkane1001 @ari-turner @thewaywewereinsaigon @daphnesutton @beliefandsayingsomething @ros3chu @nothingrevealedeverythingdenied @zzzhealy @mattymybeloved @fck-off @indiaamars @sofaritsalrightt @k4tie75 @wondersecret @humptyhoran @indierockgirrl @hanbiior @moreyoulove-moreyouknow @rossgirly @if-my-heart-bleeds @little-lovely-darling @abriefnirvana @renitypoem @sinarainbows @lady-may-targaryen @love4agesss @angrylittlebaldman @oneluckygirl @sinarainbows @starvchaser @noacfapologyst @abouttofillhisshoes @tbhnotthatfunny

add yourself to the taglist

[thebuddiearchives]

BUDDIE FIC RECS ✴ SECRET RELATIONSHIP ✴ VOL. 1

Fic recs that include Buck and Eddie in a secret relationship.

————————————————————————

Blindspot by AshwinMeird Multichapter || Teen || 10089

Hen was starting to accept that Buck's life would always be a mystery to her and the others. Then the 136 gets a new probie, Eddie Diaz, and Buck doesn't appear to be the guy's biggest fan.

But there's something, some secret, Hen isn't privy to and she was going to get to the bottom of whatever was happening between Buck and Eddie.

————————————————————————

Does Your Firehouse Know? by allyasavedtheday // @littlespoonevan Multichapter || Teen || 7574

In retrospect he thinks he should’ve knocked, which is stupid because it’s a communal space and they all have a bed in there. But for his sanity- yeah, he probably should’ve knocked.

He hadn’t though. He’d opened the door, eyes half on his phone as he’d checked the time to see if Maddie would be feeding Jee, only to stop in his tracks right inside the doorway because-

Because Buck and Eddie were kissing.

No, not even kissing- making out.

“Oh my god,” he blurted out, clapping a hand over his eyes and trying to shield himself from the mental image as he’d stumbled back into the doorframe.

“Oh my god,” Buck exclaimed, sounding horrified.

“Oh my god,” Eddie had added then and the sheer depth of long-suffering exasperation in his voice had been enough to make Chimney peek out from behind his hand. * After Chimney accidentally discovers Buck and Eddie are together they ask him to keep it a secret for a few weeks while they settle into their relationship. It goes about as well as expected.

————————————————————————

Entirely Platonic by evandiazbuckley Oneshot || General || 1266

“It’s not my fault,” Buck began, “that all of you considered the kissing, hand-holding, living together, driving together, raising a child together and Eddie’s undeniable heart eyes as entirely platonic.”

Or the one where Buck and Eddie have been dating for months but everyone just assumed they were just extremely affectionate friends.

————————————————————————

Hiding the Christmas Present (of You and Me) by Princessfbi // @princessfbi Oneshot || General || 7798

But Bobby just stared at him and Buck really didn’t want to be a part of this conversation anymore so he settled.

“Okay then April Fools' Day.”

Bobby blinked.

“If I schedule you off, are you going to come in anyways thinking it was an April Fools' joke?”

“… No.”

Buck thought he was going to spend Christmas alone. His family decides to correct that assumption.

————————————————————————

I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be (Right in front of me) by Finduilas // @finduilasclln Oneshot || Explicit || 13272

It’s such a long time coming and still it takes Buck by surprise. It takes him by surprise even though he is the one that leans in and finally kisses Eddie. His second surprise is that Eddie doesn’t push him away, doesn’t even look at him with confusion. Or worse, rage. No, Eddie kisses him back like Buck is a tall drink of water and Eddie is severely dehydrated. Buck knows the feeling.

————————————————————————

it's golden, like daylight by rarakiplin // @hoediaz Oneshot || Teen || 8736

“Hmm,” Buck hums, and Eddie feels the vibration of it under his mouth. Buck’s nose nudges against the side of his head. “Have you thought about that?”

Eddie laughs against Buck’s shoulder, unwilling to lift his head. “Thinking? Right now?”

“Shut up,” fingers dig into his ribs, “I mean, would you want to? Be married again?” - or, the sun comes up

————————————————————————

Just Tell Better Lies (and Keep Your Mouth to Yourself) by HMSLusitania // @hmslusitania Oneshot || Teen || 3285

Good news: after years of pining, Buck and Eddie have finally gotten together!

Mixed news: being together will require a department investigation of some kind, so

Bad news: they can't tell anyone yet.

Worst news: Buck is the world's least accomplished liar.

————————————————————————

Love Bites by bigfootsmom // @bigfootsmom Oneshot || Teen || 2709

Turns out Eddie can be a little...mouthy. Buck is left to deal with the consequences.

“Damn Buck, did you hook up with a vampire last night? It looks like someone tried to eat you alive!”

————————————————————————

Not Fooling Anyone by NobodyKnows_U Oneshot || Teen || 4531

"Why on earth would you set me up on a date?"

Maddie paused, placing her fork back down before lifting her head to look at him impatiently, almost as if she expected the discussion to be done with already. "Because you're single. And you haven’t been on a date in ages, it will be good for you."

Hen scoffed next to him. "Don't forget the part where he hadn’t gotten laid in forever.

————————————————————————

There’s a rumor going round (about me and you) by justhockey // @everything-i-am Oneshot || Not Rated || 3169

“$100 says he’s not taking a girl home tonight,” Eddie wagers.

All four of them look at him with stunned looks on their faces, as if they can’t possibly believe Eddie is being so stupid. Eddie shrugs, holds his arms out in a take it or leave it kind of gesture. Of course, they all think he’s insane, so -

“Deal,” Athena says.

————————————————————————

to have and to hold (for better or worse) by buckleyblueyes Oneshot || Teen || 7020

“Family of Eddie Diaz?”

Everyone stood up. 

The doctor gave them a sympathetic smile. “That’s sweet, but actual family only right now.” 

“I’m his gi—” 

“I’m his husband,” Buck cut Ana off, ignoring the slack jawed looks from the rest of the waiting room.

OR: Buck and Eddie got married in secret after the well incident

————————————————————————

Wait For Me To Come Home by millionsmais Oneshot || Teen || 7384

Buck joins the 118, but he has a secret none of the other firefighters know about.

He’s got a boyfriend stationed across the world.

————————————————————————

Welcome to the Family by shutupheather Oneshot || Not Rated || 3488

“He kept mumbling about someone named Ev in the ambulance…"

“I was thinking it might be a wife or girlfriend named Evelyn, maybe? But I honestly have no idea…” Hen wondered.

“Me neither,” Bobby added. “I just hope, for his sake, that they’re able to get a hold of whoever it is.”

OR

Eddie gets hurt on the job. The team meets and comforts his husband in the hospital waiting room.

————————————————————————

[izzy2210]

Fool

written for @steddiemicrofic‘s April prompt ‘Fool’ wc: 454 | rated: T | cw: Alcohol use, bad friends

I don't really do these anymore, which is a bummer, cus the prompts are really good! I had an idea for this one, so I wrote it! (also the person who gets the reference to a song in thos one gets a cookie)

---

“God, you’re a fool!” 

If Eddie could have a table to stand on, he would. He’s yelling at Steve, who’s staring at him, tears in his eyes. He thought this party would go well. Now he’s sitting behind the house with his heart broken, and Eddie Munson is giving him life advice.

“You think these people really care for you?” Eddie tsks at him. “You really think they will be there for you?” Steve tries to stand, but sways, catching himself on the wall. Okay, maybe he drank a bit too much. “I didn’t think..” 

Eddie’s calmed down now. “I just.. I can’t watch you destroy yourself with those people and not do anything.” Eddie’s grabbing his hand now, pulling him along. “Where are you taking me?” “To my car, then to my trailer. Let you sober up. Make sure you don’t puke all over yourself. Show you what real friends are like.”

🍕

Steve ends up laying on Eddie’s couch, his head supported by a couple pillows. Eddie’s sat on the floor next to him, eating his pizza. 

“This could be a party too, you know. Parties don’t need to be alcohol and loud music and whatever. Could just be this.” He leans his head back, bumping against Steve’s knee. It’s quiet for a while.

“I think I like parties like this better.” Steve says, and Eddie smiles at the ceiling. “That’s good. I hope we can do this another time when you’re not drunk out of your mind.” Steve giggles at that, and Eddie loves the sound of that, wants to record it and play it over and over again until the tape breaks. “Smoke some, watch a movie. Eat pizza that isn’t fucking cold..” He throws his slice back in the box. 

“Almost sounds like a date.”

Eddie stops breathing. 

“I- mh. Yeah,” he whispers. 

“Could be. If you wanna,” Steve says, groaning as he turns on the couch. 

“Steve.. Don’t say shit like that. You’ll kill me.” Eddie stands, suddenly. “You’re drunk.” “I’m sobering up.” “You really are not Steve, look at you.” He gestures vaguely at Steve, splayed over his couch, looking up at Eddie with squinted eyes. “I’m gonna have a headache tomorrow.” He whispers. Eddie sighs, sits back down. 

“Can I stay here? My.. My house is so empty. Just a house, really. Not really mine.” Steve reaches out, a small voice in his head telling him to. It’s the same voice that told him to stare at Tommy H. Or Devin from calc. Or George Michael.

Eddie sighs again, grabbing Steve’s hand, giving it a little squeeze.

“Sure, man. Of course. Know the feeling.”

“Headache?”

“No. Staying in a place that doesn’t feel like home.”

“Oh.”

---

this was really fun to write and hopefully there's more to come for this prompt to make up for the fact that i abandoned this shit in October 🥲

[dreamwatch]

Computer Love

Written for @corrodedcoffinfest

Day #22 - Prompt: Alternate Universe | Word Count: 995 | Rating: T | CW: None | POV: Steve | Pairing: pre-Steddie| Tags: IT Crowd AU, banter, my attempt at humour,

Ok, I wasn't going to write for today, but I was sitting on a work call and it made me think of the IT Crowd and that made me think of our beloved idiots. And honestly, I've been writing so much angst I thought I should try and redress the balance!

Steve wasn’t exactly over the moon about working for his dad, but one failed retail job after another and a few unpaid bills is all it took to have him crawling back to Harrington Senior. He didn’t want to be an office gopher, or work in the mail room, not at his age, but he’d suck it up.

Head of IT. His dad was making him Head of IT.

So far he’s told two friends. Robin, who stared at him like he had two heads before saying “Is he joking? Is it— is it like an April Fools thing?” And Dustin who was even less polite:

“What the fuck do you know about information technology?”

“Is that what it stands for?”

“Jesus Christ, Steve.”

He heads to the bank of elevators looking for his department. Harrington Industries is spread over twenty floors. He wonders if he’ll get a corner office. God the views… 

Steve runs his fingers down the list until he finds IT. Basement. No view then. Shit.

He exits the elevator into a dingy hallway, discarded PCs and printers stacked everywhere, and trips over a cable almost immediately.

Finally he finds his department. And… well…

Fuck.

Yeah. It’s all making sense now.

It looks like a frat house. There are two guys on a ratty couch playing video games, and another two at desks; one mop top making cat memes, and an admittedly cute guy with long hair with his feet up on his desk. There are phones ringing and no one seems bothered by them, until eventually Long Hair lets out an exasperated sigh and picks up.

“IT Support, have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh huh. Yeah it’s the button on the front of the… yup, big grey button… can’t miss it… you know what, let me send someone up. What’s your floor? Uh huh, and name? Melanie. Melanie in Marketing. Well, I’m going to be sending my best guy up—“

And, finally someone has noticed he’s there.

“Uh, he’s on his way, bye.” Long Hair drops the phone. “Guys, we have company.”

“Hi, I’m Steve,” he says, smiling at the four faces now firmly fixed on him. “I’m your new boss.”

“Not for long,” snarks one of the guys on the couch.

“Matty, be nice!” says Long Hair, and god he has beautiful eyes. Shit, fuck, no, don’t go there. “I’m Eddie, that’s Matt, who is just about to head up to Melanie on four—“

“Oh for fu—“

“—That’s Jeff sitting next to him,” Jeff raises a hand, “and this is Gareth.” Gareth just scowls at him.

Steve finally gets a good look at them all. Ratty band shirts and sneakers, ripped jeans, totally unprofessional, they look like they’re in a band not an office. He’s going to be making some serious changes around here.

“Well it’s good to meet you all,” he says and finally catches sight of a small office. He points at it, “Take it this is mine.”

“Sure is,” says Eddie. “We didn’t know exactly when you were coming so you’re not set up yet, but Jeff will get that done this afternoon for you.”

“Why this afternoon?”

Jeff stares at him like he has two heads. “It’s Minecraft Monday.”

“Yeah, I have no idea what that is.”

Eddie laughs. “It’s fine, I’ll come in a few minutes get you hooked up. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable. Boss.” 

His office is small and cluttered with more junk, and definitely no window. God, this sucks. 

There’s a knock at the door and he turns to find Eddie leaning against the door frame, arms crossed against his chest. 

“How d’ya like the place?”

Steve runs his hand through his hair, pushing it back off his face.

“Uh, yeah, it’s, you know…”

“A shit hole?”

“Yeah, a shit hole.”

“I take it Donny didn’t exactly fill you in on the details.”

Steve drops into the torn office chair. “Not really,” he sighs. “He has a habit of that.”

Eddie straightens up. “You’ve worked with him before?”

He laughs. “Better than that. He’s my dad.”

“Oh shit.”

Gareth barges in. “Wait, Donny the Dick is your Dad?”

“Donny the— hey, that’s—he’s the guy that pays your salary, a little respect.”

“Pretty sure that’s Karen in finance.”

“What…? You know, never mind. Point is, this department is a mess and there’s going to be some changes around here. Starting with the way you answer the phones, you can’t just tell people to turn the computers on and off—“

“—off and on,” Jeff cuts in.

“Whatever, you can’t do it. You need to ask what’s wrong.”

Eddie laughs. “I mean, we could, but the answer would still be to turn your PC off and on again so…”

Jeff and Gareth nod along like those stupid plastic toys. God, is it too late to go back to Family Video?

“Well, that’s as maybe, but for now you’re… ah, dismissed.”

He doesn’t miss Eddie’s amused smirk, as he gestures for his troops to leave. But then he’s perching himself on the edge of the desk, leaning into Steve’s space, those big brown eyes pinning him in his seat.

“So, just between us, you don’t actually know anything about IT, do you?”

“I mean… I know… uh, like mice, you know and uh… oh!” Steve snaps his fingers and points, triumphantly. “HTNL!”

Eddie’s biting his lip, god he has beautiful lips. “It’s HTML, but you were close. Do you do a lot of coding, Steve?”

He flops back in the chair, defeated. “Up until last week I was working in Family Video.”

“In their IT department?”

“No, in their ‘this is due back in two days department.’” He groans. “What the fuck am I going to do?”

Eddie laughs. “Don’t sweat it, you’ve got a lot more going for you than the last guy.”

“I have?”

“Oh yeah. At least you’re pretty,” he says with a wink.

Yeah, Steve’s totally screwed.

[freddie-77-ao3]

an incomplete list of camp antics that lee fletcher put up with during his time as counselor/camp dad

malcolm. that's it. malcolm as a whole. that boy is so fucked up he's his own bullet point.

the fourth of july where cecil, lou ellen, and will raised the dead, and started a plague (that spread through the ones they'd necromanced)

the christmas where cecil, lou ellen, and will set hermes cabin on fire to win extreme cabin decorating

the four times michael climbed him like a tree so that clarisse couldn't reach him

the pair of wolves connor and malcolm brought home (and camp then adopted)

katie selling weed at camp

katie selling weed to gods

katie selling weed to mortals

travis' addiction to caffeine (10 espresso shots a day, plus a caffeine pill, plus four cups of black tea)

travis' caffeine WITHDRAWAL that one time cecil and lou ellen hid it on april fools day

drew tanaka inventing a gene editing program to make a giant fuzzy catapillar (so that she could ride it into battle)

the three week period that connor insisted on wearing four inch heels and a rainbow pride flag as a dress because sherman used gay as an insult

will trying to kick michael out of the cabin so they could have a cat (and michael's subsequent supportance of the action)

lou ellen experimenting with magic and turning katie into a lion

lou ellen experimenting with magic and permanently changing her hair color (on accident)

the time drew turned in a book report on connor's diary and lee, as the head counselor for winter session, had to read and GRADE it

the time annabeth and percy got into a fist fight over the correct definition of hamburger, and whether percy could play it in scrabble

travis eating katie's lip balm and getting sick

travis eating another tube of katie's lip balm and getting sick (again)

every time michael and jake babysat harley

the time cecil tried to learn the lyre

the time lou ellen and will learned how to break lyres (in 18 different ways)

katie pranking travis by making corn mazes grow around him randomly for two months straight (the amount of corn lee then had to eat was infuriating)

the winter sessions where drew, connor, and malcolm were counselors (and subsequently hijacked every counsel meeting with insane bullshit)

the two month period malcolm and drew became new york vigilantes

the following four month period malcolm and drew convinced connor to become a new york vigilante WITH them

lou ellen and will knowing cecil was in prison for three days before bailing him out (has happened at least four times)

michael lighting clarisse on fire

the possum memes cecil spends hours making on the infirmary computer going viral and chiron questioning lee for an hour and a half on whether lee thinks there's a leak at camp because memes in the mortal world are dangerous apparently?

the time malcolm macheted through a bunch of stacks of paperwork because of connor's typo

the time drew convinced connor eggs weren't real when they were six

the time drew convinced connor eggs weren't real when they were twelve

malcolm got hit by a taco truck and drew proceeded to buy tacos from the same truck

cecil drinking shampoo because tsa told him it wasn't allowed on the plane

cecil drinking shampoo because he liked the taste

cecil getting his stomach pumped because he drank four bottles of shampoo in a day

travis and malcolm getting married in vegas during a mission

cecil drinking glowstick juice

cecil learning that drinking glowstick juice is bad and swallowing a glowstick whole

the time lou ellen, cecil, will, connor, and drew left malcolm in chicago for a week before remembering and malcolm just bought himself an apartment and didn't want to leave???

clovis convincing all the campers that every child of hypnos is narcoleptic and he needs to sleep ALL THE TIME (he does not. some do. clovis isn't one of them)

cecil, will, and lou ellen setting the big house on fire for lee's birthday party. it uh. it wasn't even his birthday.

the month where travis decided that jellybeans had a high enough fruit concentrate that he didn't need to eat any actual fruit or vegetables

connor dubbing a depression corner and making malcolm sit in it when malcolm said things about his childhood (or life in general)

malcolm eating scrambled eggs despite being allergic and breaking out into hives every time

drew drowning malcolm (he lived dw)

malcolm lighting the microwave on fire

drew and malcolm convincing connor to snort smarties with them to see if they had different flavors

lou ellen, cecil, and will burning down three cabins with a flamethrower (to see if they could)

cecil eating dirt (multiple times)

every time malcolm dislocates his joints to prove points. it happens a lot.

the tunnel systems that connor and malcolm found and started living out of (actually lee's not too mad at that one because they found actual rooms and now some of the year round campers have like. bedrooms. underground tunnel bedrooms, but bedrooms nonetheless)

malcolm making a game out of is it asthma or a panic attack

drew making a scoreboard out of malcolm's game is it asthma or a panic attack

cecil making cookies until he was happy. it didn't happen. he made 479 cookies before anyone stopped him.

Austin complaining about how his severe third degree burns from the lava wall meant he couldn't post a youtube video one week

michael doesn't believe in raspberries. nothing lee does convinced him.

malcolm and lou ellen messing around with magic and both getting turned into babies.

babified malcolm almost getting blended because travis didn't know it was the chili dog to be blended, not the kid

will's emo phase where he insists lee sing welcome to the black parade at campfire every night

clarisse thought the tooth fairy stole your teeth. for. a good four years.

connor tried to ask malcolm on a date and just asking ended so badly that athena cabin burned down

michael doesn't think penguins exist

lou ellen, cecil, and will's magic trick that burned percy's eyebrows off for two weeks

instead of making the connection that malcolm has a crush on connor, malcolm thinks connor cursed him???

cecil eats orange peels. he's allergic to oranges.

connor drew and malcolm start several cults in the mortal world. one is about a god of teeth. they have followers.

every time a new camper arrived for a solid two months, drew would say want to hear a gay joke and connor would emerge from a closet (that drew shoved them in)

travis drank vinegar because he didn't want to go get water

travis drank oil because he didn't want to go get water

thalia told someone to not run down the stairs. they jumped out the window instead.

clarisse destroyed 24 ping pong tables while lee was alive. 37 overall.

Miranda bought a parenting book, and then highlighted it and added names according to the issues everyone had

travis used the rim of a gatorade bottle as a monocle for three weeks straight

At camp counsellor meetings, Malcolm sits in Connor’s lap to ‘save space’

cecil tried to teach lou ellen to cook. she blew up three ovens.

[sairitaikutsu]

liu kang and april fools

i think lord liu kang should be allowed to be a little silly. as a treat

I just know he and Kung Lao would get into prank wars when they were younger (prev timeline). Not only prank wars, but they’d occasionally pull pranks on other monks as well. Between them, Kung Lao would get caught more often.

Liu Kang ofc grew up and matured over time, especially now that he’s a god and Earthrealm's protector. He reminisces those days sometimes. Great memories.

So when April 1st came around and there was not much to do, he knew he had to take that chance.

Not even Geras could stop him.

He secretly bought whoopee cushions and placed them everywhere. And i mean everywhere. Everyone was complaining about it.

Kenshi pinned the blame on Johnny for the pranks that happened to himself, Raiden, and Kung Lao. He didnt believe Johnny until Johnny himself got pranked. He opened the window and found a garbage bag right outside his window meant to look like there was a person in there.

Liu Kang got that idea from Kung Lao.

Kitana’s telling Raiden about the whoopee cushions in the palace. They can’t go one minute without accidentally sitting on a whoopee cushion. It’s driving Mileena mad.

Anyway, Liu Kang put a fake beetle on the window frame, and Raiden noticed it. He gets closer to poke the beetle, not knowing it’s fake.

Unfortunately for him, the fake beetle is tied to a thin string.

When he poked the beetle, Liu Kang promptly tugged on the string, startling Raiden. In a panic, Kitana threw her fan at the beetle, causing Liu Kang to run away.

At some point, he accidentally started a prank war between Tomas and Syzoth after putting plastic bugs in Tomas’ soup. Kuai Liang and Ashrah were dragged into it. Tomas almost set Syzoth on fire and that’s when the other two had to make them stop.

“Oh look, the consequences of my actions!” - Liu Kang in his thoughts.

Liu Kang accidentally ruined Bi-Han and Sareena’s dinner date with whoopee cushions because he didn’t know. Bi-Han was infuriated and wouldn’t stop until he found the culprit.

Geras tried to stop him again but his next victim was Shang Tsung lmao

He was not spared from the whoopee cushions. While he was out, Liu Kang also moved some furniture and other things slightly but just enough for Shang Tsung to feel like something is Wrong

I like to imagine this is the one time Liu Kang will allow himself to be extra mean so he even wrote a note that said “april fools :)”

“This is not going to work.” *actually works*

After a long day of trolling, he comes back to the fire temple and invites Geras to have a chat over tea.

Geras scolds him (calmly) and he couldn’t believe he had to be the one to tell him off.

So far, Geras was pretty calm about this… until he finally took a sip of his drink.

“This tastes strange… did you put salt in my tea?”

He did. Liu Kang failed to hold back his laughter.

On one hand, good for him for having fun and letting loose, but also this is getting out of hand.

Geras made him apologize to everybody. imagine the shock on their faces when they found out it’s him of all people.

“I won’t do it again 😔” (he’ll do it again 😈)

[universallydestinytaco]

Even More Silly and Irreverent SF Headcanons

Warning: This glorified shitpost contains a heavy dose of MLM (Morons loving Morons)

EDIT: So apparently in the Spanish Dub for SF Charlie's girlfriend is named Zoey and I made this post before that info became more well-known and prior I dubbed her as Susan....Zoey is a cute name OMG

This one time Charlie, Dj Spitz, Glep, Mr. Frog, Jennifer, Shrimp and one reluctant Alan all decided to spend one April Fools day split into street gangs competing to see who could prank the most people within 24 hours before everyone involved was tossed in the county jail until Pim and a pissed off Zoey had to bail them all out the morning after.

Simon S. Salty tried to bribe his way into the Pearly Gates of Heaven with coupons at his shoddy restaurant but God was so offended by the mere idea of eating his slop that he told St. Peter to press the big red button to open the trapdoor under Salty’s feet to H-E-double hockey sticks so he can go peddle his 2-bit McDonalds knock off to those who truly deserve it. Eat up Satan ya big red loser!!!

Pim is actually much stronger than he looks, he can open pickle jars with one turn of the wrist and he can carry Charlie over his head while running a mile without breaking a sweat (or his spine for that matter).

Charlie bamboozled the entire internet by editing The Mr. Frog Show wiki by adding fake episodes with a source that lead to the famous RickRoll video, only for everyone to read him the riot act when he accidentally exposed himself. Hah! That idiot.

One hot summer day Glep spat on the sidewalk and the spit droplet just sizzled and evaporated into steam….from that point onward Glep has been trying to convince his co-workers that he can literally spit fire and when trying to prove such a claim he spat into Charlie’s coffee.

Pim and Zoey had to bail Charlie out of jail once again for attempted murder (See the HC above for the reason why).

Mr Boss was cursed into turning into an owl beast in his sleep and he has to take a potion once a day to keep him normal, hence why he was freaking out at the end of S2E1.

Alan wears a skin-tight red jumpsuit under his neck and tie and underneath all that he has goofy-print boxers with a smiley face patch on the seat.

Pim is still friends with Jennifer even after the initial mix up when he introduced her to Shrimp. She gives him special “Thank You” coffee and treats in the house every year on her and Shrimp’s anniversary.

Smormu does makeup tutorials and travel vlogs on YouTube.

Charlie found out that Pim and Susan both crush on him and decided: “Why not?” Thus was the beginning of a beautiful polycule.

James what super jealous and was ready to reap his revenge until Charlie pulled a Saitama and punched James in the nose so hard that he whimpered away like a pitiable little biyatch!!

Glep, Pim and Smormu went to Miku Expo cosplaying as The Triple Baka Squad (Pim called dibs on Miku).

Alan attends Beatnik Poetry Night with Glep on the bongos.

Smormu started dating Dj Spitz and lemme tell ya he is VIOLENTLY protective of her, Whoever killed Canon!Smormu wouldn’t stand a chance against this guy.

[littlejuicebox]

Plumber’s Crack(fic) / Leaky Pipes

I wrote this for an April Fool’s challenge. You can all thank @vixstarria for influencing me and for this monstrosity coming from that one single tag. AO3 link here.

This is written to be intentionally bad smut. Proceed if you want psychic damage.

Pairing: Astarion x Female Tav

Summary: In a Modern AU, Tav is looking for an expert escort roleplay experience. She gets far more than she expected.

Astarion sighs as he pulls up to a small, ranch style-house with a bunch of flamingo— no, goose… what the fuck?— garden ornaments. He glances at the number over the garage – 401 Pink Clam Street; yes, this is the right address. He pulls down the visor and watches himself in the mirror as he attaches the stupid fucking fake mustache he has to wear on these house calls. Mr. Szarr said no one trusts a plumber without facial hair… what the hell is he on, anyway?

He cannot wait until he is able to quit. This was supposed to be a temporary gig. But now it’s been years, he’s still stuck in this seemingly dead-end job, and truly, everything about it makes his skin crawl. Toilets, clumps of hair in the sink, sticking himself in small, confined spaces… gods, it’s all horrible. He sighs and climbs out of the work van. Time to just… get it over with.

*

When Tav hears the knock on the door, her eyebrows crinkle. She glances at the clock atop her vanity. It’s eleven in the morning – they’re two hours early. Well, perhaps they’re really in character… don’t plumbers normally come at any other time besides the time they actually say they will? She asked for realistic roleplay this time, unlike what she got from the last crap escort she hired. She’s getting what she’s paying for, at least.

She opens the door and is shocked to see a ridiculously handsome man standing at the entryway. She knew escorts were attractive but– well, she hadn’t exactly expected a greek god in a plumber’s uniform. Turns out, she’s definitely getting what she’s paying for this time around.

“Are you Ms. Tav…” Astarion pauses as he stares down at the word on the clipboard. He lifts an eyebrow. No, that can’t be right.

“Pusey? Yes, that’s me.”

“Can you spell that for me, ma’am?”

Tav blinks. This guy is… really taking the part seriously. “P-U-S-E-Y.”

Astarion nods as he stares down at the form in his hand. Mr. Szarr spelled it wrong on the form, of course. He’s going to have to fix it before she fills out the bottom half at the end. He glances back up to acknowledge the woman; she looks like she’s about to go pose for Playboy at any moment. She’s gorgeous, he has to admit. “I’m Astarion, the plumber. I’m told you need some assistance with your rim holes?”

Tav giggles. It’s time for her to play along. She puts on her best sultry face as she says, “Oh, yes. My rim holes are… definitely in need of your expertise. Please come inside.”

Astarion steps into the house. It’s small, but well-kept and well-decorated. It seems as if she lives entirely alone. “Where is your bathroom, ma’am?”

“I’ll show you,” Tav responds as she begins to head down the hallway. “I apologize, it’s very, very dirty.”

They walk into the bathroom and Astarion looks around. It isn’t dirty at all. Was she making a joke? He puts down his tools, opens the toilet lid, and begins to examine the commode.

“Is it true that… plumbers are good at laying pipe?”

Astarion glances up at the woman. She’s leaning against the doorframe, the picture of seduction. Her silk robe is slipping off her frame; she’s wearing a thin nightie underneath. She really does look like a Playboy centerfold. He swallows. “Yes, ma’am… it’s definitely an important part of the job. Perhaps the most important part. No one wants a plumber that can’t lay pipe.”

“Are you good at laying pipe, Astarion?”

He swallows again and stands. This was… not usually how these things went. “I would consider myself an expert, yes.”

“Then why don’t you show me how good you are at it?”

She’s got him by the coverall strap before he can protest, and her lips crash into his with reckless abandon. She smells wonderful, she’s gorgeous, and she seems to be very into him so it does not take long for Astarion to reciprocate. They’re caught in an embrace in the middle of the bathroom.

Tav breaks the kiss, and when she pulls away, she cannot help but giggle. Astarion’s fake mustache is dangling half off his face.

“Fuck this,” Astarion growls, and he rips the mustache off before eagerly wrapping his hands around the woman. He lifts her onto the bathroom counter and begins hiking up her nightie; he notices she isn’t wearing anything underneath. She’s unclipping his coveralls; they drop down around his ankles.

“Snake my leaky drain, Astarion,” Tav demands, her hands coming to pull his cock from his tighty whities.

He’s honestly surprised by her forwardness. But he does as she asks and quickly sinks himself inside her. He doesn’t last particularly long; he’s a bit embarrassed, but it’s not like he’s ever going to see this woman again. He isn’t so inconsiderate as to leave her without finishing, of course… it just… takes a while. A long while. His hand starts to cramp toward the end.

When the two of them are finished, Astarion runs a hand through his hair and looks around the bathroom. Tav is still on the counter, her hair a mess of tangled curls; one of her fake lashes is falling off. Well… at least they were both wearing fake body hair.

He glances at his wrist watch. Shit– he needs to complete the job and get out of here; he has another assignment later this afternoon. He coughs and tries his best to return to his professional role. “If you… give me a couple minutes to finish up here, I’ll be out of your way, ma’am.”

“Oh… of course.” Tav says and she slips from the counter and tugs her nightgown back down. “Take all the time you need, I’ll be out there with your payment when you’re ready.”

After a couple minutes, Astarion exits the restroom. It took him a bit longer than usual because he had to fill out a new form with the proper spelling of the client’s name. Tav is waiting for him in the kitchen with a smile. “I need a signature from you here, Ms. Pusey.”

Tav obliges and signs the piece of paper. Then she pulls out her wallet. “How much?”

“Five hundred.” Astarion murmurs as he tears off her receipt and hands it to her.

She nods and pulls out six bills. “There’s an extra hundred, for you, of course.”

“Oh. Thank you, ma’am.”

She pulls him into another kiss. “You’re one of the best plumbers I’ve had so far. I might be… contacting your company for your services again sometime.”

Astarion smiles and nods. He sticks the cash in his pocket. He’s not quite sure if he actually wants to be contacted by her or not after this… somewhat embarrassing situation, but he appreciates the sentiment all the same. “I’ll be on my way.”

Tav walks him to the front door. Then she quickly hops in the shower to clean off the evidence of their tryst. When she returns to the kitchen, she sees a text from her landlord.

Ms. Pusey, I forgot to mention this earlier. A plumber should be by this morning, around 11:00 to fix an issue with your toilet we noticed on our biannual walkthrough. His name is Astarion. Please pay him for his services; we will reimburse you once you provide the receipt. Apologies for any inconvenience.

She blinks at the text message. Wait a second…

The doorbell rings. She leaves her phone on the counter. She rips open the front door to reveal… a large, muscular man, dressed in a plumber's uniform.

The man roams his eyes over Tav and smirks mischievously before leaning his arm against the doorframe and staring down at her. His voice is low and suggestive as he speaks. “Hello, Ms. Pusey. My name is Hal Sin. I’m told you have some leaky pipes in need of immediate attention?”

[yesbutmakeitgay]

Once Upon A Time I Used To Know A Girl

Chapter 5

Carol Danvers x Reader

Masterlist | This work's masterlist | AO3

Summary: Upon asking some questions you realize the people in charge of your recovery are keeping something from you.

Angst, Slow Burn, Amnesia.

Word count: 914

Sifting Through The Pieces That You Left Behind

"What is Kamala doing?"

"She’s helping your girlfriend, after you ran away from her."

"Make her stop."

"I think it’s a little too late for that, plus, she could really use the support of someone who cares about her." There’s a tinge of judgment in Fury’s words.

The line is silent for a moment, "Then you have to make sure she doesn’t tell her about me, anything at all. In fact, I want you to make sure no one in the compound even speaks my name around her." Carol’s voice is laced with poison.

"And why would I do that?" he challenges her.

"Because you do not want to make me angrier."

"I’m setting the meeting up right now," he relents.

It’s been a couple of weeks of Kamala’s daily visits and you have managed to recover a lot of your lost memories, like fighting alongside Mighty Thor, and helping Maria set up Yelena and Kate in an April fool’s prank that backfired.

You’re both laying on your bed, each distracted by your own electronic device, "I feel like I’ve remembered everyone by now, am I missing someone?"

"Um, no one that comes to mind," she lies, "do you remember my parents?"

"You have parents?" you ask, surprised, "Sorry, that was kinda rude, it’s just, people around here don’t tend to have parents. I knew them?"

"You did, briefly, do you remember your parents?"

"No, but that didn’t bother me before." You zone out a little, exhausted from all the thinking, "Doctor Cho," Kamala hums, "when I woke up, she asked me if I knew who my partner was."

"Yeah."

"I still don’t," She hums again, "do you?" She looks at you and mumbles a soft 'huh.' "Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, yes, I’m listening, your former partner," she shrugs, not knowing what to say.

"Do you know them?"

"'Know' is a strong word–"

"Do you know who they are!" you interrupt her, losing your patience. Almost as if on cue, a call starts ringing in Kamala’s tablet.

"Oh thank God!" She picks it up privately and after a moment she hands the device over, "It’s for you." You look at her confused and refuse to take the tablet, at that, Kamala rolls her eyes and presses a button.

A hologram appears in the room, you look up at it, startled, "Val?"

"It is I," she says with a cocky smile.

"I thought I was clear when I said I didn’t want to call!" you complain.

"It’s great to see you too." Her smile doesn’t go away.

"I didn’t want it to be this way." Your tone is a bit sad.

"Well, it’s been a busy few weeks in New Asgard, but I thought you might need some cheering up."

"What gave you that impression?"

"Hey, if you really want me to leave you just have to say it." She knows you wouldn’t dare.

"No, no, no, actually, I’m glad you called," there’s a mischievous look on your face, "do you know who my former partner is?" Kamala becomes terrified, she starts to signal for Valkyrie to not answer.

"Who, Marv?" The King looks at Kamala, confused, the girl screams internally.

"No, not Ms. Marvel, obviously, the one I lived in space with." Valkyrie finally picks up Kamala's gestures.

"Oh, no, I don’t know who she is," Val fumbles with her words.

"She’s a she?"

The King opens her mouth, but it takes a moment for anything to come out, "Who’s to say? Well, it was very nice seeing you, but I have some business to attend to." She ends the call abruptly and you slump back on the bed. Kamala stands awkwardly in front of you.

"You people are acting weird, don’t make me go ask Fury."

"You should definitely go ask Fury," Kamala quickly responds, trying to get you off her back, which reminds her she also has some unfinished business with him, but now is not the time. As soon as you're out of sight she leaves hoping to forget the disastrous situation.

You knock on Fury’s door twice and pop your head into his office, "Hey, you got a minute?" He looks up from whatever he was doing and gestures for you to come in, "I was hoping I could ask you some questions about my former partner."

He leans into his desk, trying to seem helpful, "What do you remember about them?"

"Nothing, that’s the thing."

"Not a single thing?" You shake your head. "Well, then I can’t do anything for you," you scoff, "doctor Cho said to let the memories return naturally, it would be irresponsible of me to supply that information to you." He tries to sound convincing, you don’t remember her saying that, but there’s a lot you don’t remember.

You walk back to your room, crushed, who was this person you lived and worked with everyday for years, and why couldn't you remember them? You suddenly recall your alarming dream from last night and consider going to see Kamala about it, but you decide that you won’t share anything new with them until they stop acting weird.

Once in bed you go back to scrolling through your phone thinking maybe you’ll see your partner’s name in there and it will come to you, but, instead, you find something way more interesting.

You select the contact and put the phone up to your ear, it rings a few times before someone answers, "Alias Investigations."

Chapter 6

Tell me all your thoughts!

Tags: @graniairish @thelittleliars @carols-photonblast @rosiotor

Let me know if you wanna be tagged :)