#god i need to schedule a therapy appointment lol

[opossumbyknight]

saw my dad in person this weekend for the first time in like... close to 10 years? and he's just like. an old burnout now. basically just mentally checked out, just happy to be here, kind of vibes. and it is astounding how much he looks like Frank Gallagher from shameless

[the-spoingus-show]

my current project: jump forever!

this is the first of those scheduled posts i mentioned earlier!!! i figured i would start by talking about my current project - that way i can start posting updates about it without confusing you, Michael. The next post is gonna be about the beginning of this whole Godot thing i've been on, and then i'm thinking about maybe doing a Before Godot post as a bonus once i've talked about all my godot stuff (i love saying this as if anybody cares (besides you, Michael)). setting all that aside, though: this one's gonna need some backstory, so you should buckle in.

around this time last year, me and my little cousin (he's still in high school, but we've always been pretty close) got really competitive about a little game called Jump Forever. it's a side minigame from WarioWare Mega Microgames (the GBA one) where you just jump over a little rope until you fuck up. it's really fucking fun as an addictive little mobile game, and with a quick lil emulator it was one. thus, the addiction began.

truth be told, the phase last year didn't even last that long, but i had a long bus ride a couple of weeks ago and found myself opening the GBA emulator on my phone to pass the time. that led to a little bit of playing at home, which led to beating my cousin's score, which led to getting even more into the game than i was before. as our scores get higher, we've turned to better controllers than a phone touch screen for serious record attempts - i use a ds lite i had lying around (that i reshelled! it was very fun) and he emulates on pc with a controller (i think). this got me thinking about a potential "definitive edition" of the game - probably still on mobile, but with controller support, better touch controls (the game only needs <-, ->, and A!), faster resets, selectable skins, and maybe even unlockable skins? of course, when i finished my work on fnaf (ooh foreshadowing), my sights were immediately set on a Jump Forever remake.

with all that said, welcome to the game as it currently stands! at the moment, i've got wario, the rope swingers, and the score all just about set up, with one exception; the characters have collision, the rope swings (at varying speeds, even!), and wario's speed and physics feel very accurate - but i'm still working on the ai (if you can call it that) of the rope guys as they walk back and forth. i want it to work exactly the same way as it does in the original but i always overthink random mechanics like this. hopefully the next update i give will be about how i cracked it! even if the implementation ends up jank, though, it wouldn't be the first: the rope guys check if wario is too close to them to make it over the rope with an Area2D that just checks for wario when the rope hits the ground. it works! i could just like check wario's position in the code (and it'd probably be way more efficient), but this way just... works.

i still have a buncha crap i still gotta implement before the game's even really playable - the walking ai, the title screen, the little "Ready?" animation, etc. - but that's only the beginning of my work. firstly, i'm probably gonna enlist chloe (oooh foreshadowing) to help me out by drawing some new assets (if she's free, it is finals season), and then changing the game's native resolution from 240x160 (the GBA screen) to something not fucking insane. i've got "reworking all the sprites into easy to read spritesheets" on my to-do list, and after that, making the new assets (and then maybe the skins?) will be as easy as drag & drop. once it's got the new assets and all the polish that needs to come with a shiny new resolution, i'm gonna transition into the next phase - researching how to release a game!!!

[hi, not to ruin my own amazing transition but: it's 5am and i'm running back to edit this because i completely forgot to mention that i have currently implemented a 2 frame input delay on all inputs, because that's how the emulator appears to behave when i go frame by frame. every single day i rethink this decision more and more. surely there's no way that's how it's supposed to be, right? but i feel so weird changing it now!!! i definitely fucking have to though. next time i work on it. ok anyways]

now. i've posted games to itch.io before. but even then, i kind of fucked it up (i could never get the resolution of my web games to work right???) - so it's no surprise i've always been completely daunted by the idea of "releasing a game". when you post it on real stores, that's when it becomes... real. i'm excited about the new challenges it'll pose, though! now, a mobile release means a couple of things - bite sized fun, simple progression, and fun customization. i've already got the first part nailed down, and i figured i could nail the other 2 at once with a currency system based on how many points you get (or maybe even an xp system? that goes up 1 for each jump? maybe even both???) and skins (purchasable with said currency) that let you customize the player, rope swingers, background, and maybe even the rope itself.

pictured above is my stupid ass skins mockup (i literally just made this). the rope is rainbow, the background has a snow effect and a bunch of snow on the trees/ground (isn't it great?), wario is a lil version of the rope guys, and the rope guys have santa hats. i'm not sure how many different ropes you could really make with how i'm planning the rope to move, so i'll probably end up prototyping the graphics with chloe to figure out how to lay out the sprite sheets, and if they should actually have a seperate hand-grabbing-the-rope sprite for skin purposes. it'll definitely make things really confusing, but if i go for a mobile release i don't want to run ads, and so a currency you can buy with real money (and maybe one or two goofy supporter skins that cost real money, like a solid gold guy or something, as a form of donation) is a good way to make a lil bit of money from people who like the game.

all of this is fun to think about, but it's important to remember that the next thing i have to do is that walking ai. i've gotta Make The Fucking Game before i can do all this crazy other bullshit. i'm sure the ui design for all this is gonna be soooo fun, but i need a game to attach it to first :p

this went on reeeally long but i figure if this is a dev diary or w/e it's gonna end up running long no matter what, and the more info, the more i have to look back on fondly and say "oh shit, i know exactly when this was!", which is kind of the end goal of the project. of course, these incredibly long posts about shit that only matters to me are also incredible content for you, Michael, so i'm sure you're just eating this shit up. enjoy, you weird little man.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

today's been...a lot, lol

my mom let the dog out at 6 this morning and for whatever reason he decided to just...take off into the woods immediately

and my mom's trying to get ready for work so she doesn't have time to deal with him and my dad can't so fortunately i was up anyway because i need to be now, so i managed to get him back inside but of course he's covered in brambles and his fur's really thick and curly so they were like...in there

i started to try to just give him a bath to help get them out but he wasn't having that and kept trying to bite me every time i picked him up so instead i spent the first hour of my day this morning patiently and gently pulling each out

meanwhile my mom's having a mental crisis because she only got two hours of sleep and now this situation has just sent her over the edge

apparently my dad got up in the middle of the night and was up walking around by himself which like....yeah, he's doing better with that right now, but still

it made her so anxious so couldn't get back to sleep so she was in tears by the time she finally left

after that and making sure my dad had everything he needed i went to go get ready to go to therapy because a family friend of ours has changed his work schedule around so he's able to come be with my dad for stuff like that where my mom and i both have to be out of the house but on my way to therapy i didn't realize one of the roads i normally take was completely blocked off and i didn't know another way to get around so i was going to have to get my gps and i was already worrying about running late so definitely just had to pull into a parking lot to scream at the top of my lungs for a solid 30 seconds (pretty good scream, tho, if i do say so; very horror movie)

did mange to make it to my appointment, though so that's something! spent the entire hour just bawling my fucking eyes out, but i made it!!

also, as an aside...the people who own the building my therapist is in just...fucked her over basically? and so now she has to find a new place so that's....great. apparently my session next week will be the last one in that office so that's fun. that's just a barrel of fun for everyone right there

but just wait, the fun doesn't stop there!!

because when i got home i went to get me an uncrustable from the freezer for my lunch and realized that apparently it was packed too full in there and so everything was staring to defrost

so naturally i proceeded to just...lose it again, lol

cannot put into words how grateful i am to our family friend, though

he was here and he swooped into action and cleaned the freezer out and even organized it and handled everything because at that point i was full meltdown just sobbing and sweating profusely so i had to go take my second shower of the day, fun!

but i think that's hopefully it for today

i'm debating if i want to bother trying to clock in and get some work done or if i just call it a loss and work tomorrow and saturday instead

for right now, i'm going to finish eating my lunch and probably lie down and cuddle steve for a little bit and i hope to fucking god nothing else goes wrong today

tomorrow? sure, maybe, fine

today??

no!! no more!!!

[coccyodynia]

things:

i really really am starting to feel like i'm the edge of something again

my health still feels like its declining and i've now lost 60lbs in about 7 months and that still doesn't feel right to me

so i've got a lot of medical shit to deal with

i have a CT scan of my spine on monday

a follow up with my primary doc on thursday

an eye dr appointment also on thursday because i'm 6 months overdue for my glaucoma testing

i still need to schedule physical therapy, the follow up with my surgeon, and another SI joint injection

but my health insurance has denied my surgeon's referral to have that SI joint injection, because they said it's too soon after my last one and i should still have some relief from the first one

so LOL

i have such horrible pain lately

i can feel way more movement in my spine where i absolutely should not be feeling movement, due to the uhhhh literal titanium rods they drilled into me

but she said there's a possibility the screws are loosening!

which is just really fucking cool and so fun for me

every fucking time i interact with a receptionist, nurse or other office staff at these doctor's offices they see that i've had a fusion and there's a risk it's failing and they go "oh god you're so young to be dealing with this!"

and it absolutely makes me suicidal to hear that

i'm also deathly afraid that i've done permanent brain damage with the drugs i've done and my therapist said i should probably tell my primary doctor for a referral to a neurologist

my memory is just ...

i dont know how to explain it but in the last year or two that i've been trying to get clean i've noticed my brain feels like swiss cheese when i'm sober

even in the last 6 or so months my memory has noticeably gotten worse, i keep finding black holes in my brain where a memory should be

its affecting my performance at my job and making me feel like i'm losing my mind

maybe i am

i dont fucking know

i really fucking hate being alive

i can handle the emotional stuff way fucking better than ever, thanks to the most intense year of my life in therapy and working on relationships with myself and others

but the physical/medical issues i'm dealing with are still waaaay more than enough to make me truly suicidal again

[harrylovesmitski]

also harry really said i deserve to go to therapy with this interview

[angelnumber27]

god knows we all need 4 hours lol you’re so lucky😭 what are the best things you’ve taken away from it?

I am very very lucky!! Blessed really. I acknowledge that. I hadn’t been in therapy for years because of the cost, I just couldn’t afford it. This is online because of covid so it’s free!! I’ve needed intensive therapy for years, I have bad addiction issues and many treatment resistant mental illnesses. I was also being badly badly abused physically and psychologically.

I scheduled my appointment so I could get clean with help from my doctors in September and I didn’t get in until January. I’m really glad and so grateful to be getting proper treatment now from people who actually know what they are doing.

Let’s see.. there are so many good things I’ve learned it’s hard to decide where to begin!

Today I learned the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt can still be constructive while shame is not. Guilt can help you learn how to do and be better. Guilt refers to behavior while shame refers to our inner selves

Hurt people hurt people!

Addiction is a disease not a moral failing

That people really do care!

There are bad days, a lot of them, but I am strong enough to make it through all of them

Making a daily schedule can be massively helpful if you don’t have structure in your day currently

To stretch every day

That you have to take it one day at a time. Worrying about the future will not help you. Focus on doing the right thing for yourself and others just for today!

Do you want to be right or do you want to be free?

That I have much more control than I realized, and so do you!

I didn’t deserve the things that were said or done to me

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[paint-pilot]

shit it’s been a second, guess it’s time to update again

edit: holy christ this is long, i’m gonna readmore it. tl:dr tyler has many badweird feelings but is getting through it. fun body changes, including hair growth and an unexpectedly nice voice. surgery and legal matters are Annoying. tw for menstruation

it is truly bizarre to think that i’ll have been five months on t in a little under two weeks. another month after that and it’s half a year. it’s uhh...weird. quarantine has just made this all feel weird. it’s like i fast-forwarded through this whole journey i was supposed to go on i guess? like i got randomly torn out of my life one day in march with no warning and then just as suddenly got spat out in august with a new life - new name, new face, new major, new identity - and no transitional period whatsoever. my classmates, my professors, my students, they all have only known me as tyler. and only ever will know me as tyler. and that’s great! it’s great, and i’m truly just blown away by how markedly easy it’s been and how weirdly good my timing was in transitioning. but it almost feels like i’m still a ways behind everyone else, i guess. i’ve spent so much of my life hiding, and lying through my teeth, and covering my ass every second of every day to protect myself, and i don’t have to do that anymore but the instinct is 100% still there and that honestly doesn’t feel good. of course i’m not making any of it up - i’m happier now than i’ve ever been, and i know i’m making the right choice - but it still persistently keeps feeling that way.

it’s just difficult, i think, to balance wanting to be read as male (and, to a large extent, wanting to keep my transness hidden both for safety reasons and so people don’t start treating me differently) and finding it difficult to hide this truly massive life change that, like, four people are really seeing anything of. and y’all, i guess, lol. it’s one thing to talk about all this in therapy, but it’s another entirely to just be able to share it with strangers and not worry about it being weird.

i was writing this with the intent of it being a mostly happy update but i guess there is some negativity boiling up so. gotta be honest, i guess? there’s a lot of fun trauma stuff i’ve been going through lately that i won’t get into but it’s culminated with this bullshit in this really fun way where my mom gets upset because i get kind of uncomfortable when she shows me childhood photos or tells stories about me as a little kid and then i just break down for reasons i really can’t discern. i’m going to try and articulate this, and who knows how messy it’s going to get, so i apologize if it gets kind of incoherent from here on out. as far as i can tell the root thing that she really gets upset about is that i’ve “thrown away” my whole previous identity. like, not a direct quote, but “you can’t just pretend [deadname] never existed. because she did, for a long time.” and...sure, i guess. i know this has been hard on my mom. i know she was raised in a conservative family, and while she has worked hard to adopt an accepting and open mindset she still doesn’t 100% grasp all of it and will make mistakes. i’ve made my peace with that. and yet. it’s not so much, really, that i was this other person and then became tyler, y’know? tyler did not appear suddenly two years ago where she once stood. tyler put on a mask, even before he knew he was tyler, because tyler was scared and ashamed but people seemed to like her and, for a time, she was an easy person to be. and i hated her. that is so fucking scary for me to say, and i’m not sure i’ve admitted that until literally right this second, but i did. not because she was a bad person. because she had a voice and a face and a body that i hated. because people saw her and assumed they knew me. because even she had many faces, because there was no real base or identity to her, just traits designed to paint a pretty picture and make people like her. because i knew, when i finally threw her away, people would miss her. compare me to her. expect me to be like her.

so i don’t know. i don’t have a satisfying way to wrap this up, because i honestly don’t know how to face this because i know it is absolutely not just the trans thing that created this situation. i’m kinda warring with myself, because i do kinda want to go back through this blog and delete photos of myself with long hair and whatever (because jesus, i’ve had this thing since i was like 14) but i genuinely don’t know if that’s healthy. i know i’m going back on my bullshit, fretting this way and that over whether something is “healthy” as though that’s an objective term without considering what’s going to make me happy, but honestly? i don’t know anymore. i keep sensing the mental block - the swathes of my childhood that i cannot recall, just vague, constant unease - and i don’t really know if i want to dig into all of that and learn what lies underneath because i’m sort of afraid of it. like i said, i’m happy now, happier than i’ve ever been, and i’d sort of like to just leave it like that. but i guess the length and tone of this post might argue otherwise.

anyways. anyways. enough mental health therapy, more actual hormone therapy updates since that’s what this goddamn thing is supposed to be i think? i’m finally starting to grow some noticeable hairs - my chin hair is coming back after my mom made me shave it before i left for school lol, as are a handful of mustache/lower lip/sideburn hairs. i keep feeling phantom bugs on my legs/feet and i’ve only just now recognized that that’s just leg hairs brushing against places i’m not used to. my appetite has picked up like absolute hell again, too, so i don’t know if i’m just having a metabolic spurt or what. also, i’ve started bruising more? idk what the hell that’s about - i fucking never bruise unless i’ve been hit Hard, and i kind of assumed testosterone would make you less likely to bruise, but then that’s probably just not related to the hormones at all. i was gonna put this in the tags but seeing as this post is already so long i might as well put a readmore and just put this here lol: my period is late, like, four days late, which is exceedingly unusual for me and might mean i’m finally done. or almost done. fingers crossed.

my voice has started to settle, it seems like. i popped out an e2 yesterday, which is Sick, but i’m not as focused on that anymore as i am on the actual quality of my tone. which is...good? i’m not just a baritone, i’m kind of a good one, at least it seems like. i’m really working right now on just getting familiar with my instrument - i’m second-guessing my pitch sensitivity a lot, but i think i really just need to drill and practice until everything starts feeling like second nature again. but since the musical didn’t happen for me, my coach wants to enter me in a classical solo competition next spring. so...no more retirement from competitive singing. i’m back! and thank god, because i’m starting to go crazy without being in musical work lol.

jesus fuck, i have a lot to say. i should probably split this into two posts but i don’t care. i am frustrated; i tried to get an appointment with a pro bono legal program for a name change, but it happened today and i wasn’t invited so apparently i’m on my own. and i’m frustrated. i’m trying to look at internships and shit for next summer, but i kind of can’t apply right now because my legal name and sex don’t line up with my presentation, and i don’t really know how easy it is to get away with that in this day and age and especially in my field. genuinely, if anyone has any advice, i’d appreciate it. i don’t know how long this will take, i don’t know what the requirements are, i don’t know if i’m better off just applying now and hoping they don’t eliminate me before ever getting me an interview. and, of course, i’m working on getting consultations for top surgery, but i keep catching myself procrastinating that. which seems weird, but listen. i’ve said it before but i have to emphasize, i am capital-t Terrified of getting this surgery. i know i need to, i know it will make things better for me, i know now is the time, i know i hate binding and can’t really get away with not doing so, but jesus fuck i am so frightened of anesthesia it’s not even funny. but i guess i’m mostly just calling myself out here and telling myself to quit being a big baby, schedule the thing, and give myself a few months to prepare.

anyway. that’s all i have to say. i’d apologize for ranting, but honestly...i dunno. i know at the start of all this a handful of you requested these updates, and i have to imagine it’s because at least some of you are transitioning, are thinking of doing so, or know someone who is or will be soon. and i just hope someone out there can at least relate, because there honestly just aren’t a lot of comparable life changes out there. or maybe this is just therapeutic for me, that’s fine too.

i have two midterms next week i should be studying for. i should do that.

[alltoosam]

thank you for tagging me @shes-a-false-god 💕

1] What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself?

I scheduled my next (online) therapy appointment after kind of putting it off for a while

2] Favorite job you ever had?

I LOVED working as a teaching assistant in college. I worked for two different psych classes and I thought it was just so cool to help other students and do ~professor~ type things

3] What’s your favorite flower?

I love roses but also black and gold pansies because that’s my sorority’s flower

4] A thing you accomplished today?

I haven’t really done much today since it’s my day off of work but I ran some errands with my mom (dropping stuff off to my grandpa, getting gas, etc)

5] What’s the most beautiful word in the English language?

definitely taylor swift influenced but I think the words enchanted/enchanting and wonderstruck are so pretty

6] Favorite way of dancing?

at a party or bar with friends after a few drinks lol and on an elevated surface!!!!

7] If a rogue managed to unlock access to the secret chamber of your home/liar/mansion, what would they find?

some kind of casual art studio because if I had the extra room in my house now I would love to set something like that up

8] What’d be your perfect sleep accommodation?

sleeping near an open window, in the cold, with a really cozy blanket

9] What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

In the car with my mom running errands

10] If you could grant one wish to another person, who would that be?

Probably my friend Caroline because she deserves it and also I know she would use it well

11] One thing you like about your physical appearance?

I think my eyes are really pretty and especially really pop with some makeup lol

12] One personal trait you like having?

I’m very patient

13] What happened the last time you got goosebumps?

watching criminal minds!

14] What’s a movie you feel deserves more love?

good will hunting

15] What’s a song you need people to hear at least once?

vienna by billy joel because it’s beautiful and super underrated

16] If you were a dragon what would you horde?

planners and different types of pens haha

17] Last song you listened to?

paper rings!!

18] What do you think is the worst kind of minor inconvenience?

when my phone/laptop dies and I don’t have a charger immediately available

19] What’s your favorite natural phenomenon?

thunderstorms or the ocean

20] Favorite childhood TV show?

the suite life of zack and cody, wizards of waverly place, hannah montana - you know the classics

21] Which televised stereotypical high school group would you belong to: jock, cheerleader, goth, band geek, nerd, punk, prep, other?

probably somewhere between nerd and prep but definitely more nerd

I’m tagging: @highlikethemoon @iamyour-summer @sunsinksdown

[the--social--anarchist]

2.13.2020 I had therapy for the first time in almost two weeks and thank god I did because I my life has just imploded on itself. I’m fine. Everything is fine. It’s just overwhelming and busy.  I’m about to explode trying to keep this baby situation a secret. Not being able to talk to my mom sucks, but I REALLY need to talk to my aunt. I also got my cousins number today so I’m going to try and text her and see what details I can get later on. My mind is just swirling.  On top of that some really old trauma was dug up and thrown into the face of everyone involved and WOW. Did not see this coming. What is life. Stop the world, I want to get off.  I need to start drafting my formal research proposal. I am still chipping away at my research methods class and have chosen to work on how the American healthcare system impacts the doctor patient relationship in additions to my practicum topic on doctor patient relations which I have yet to refine.  My appetite has been slightly improving and I had a facial earlier in the week. I also have a massage scheduled later in the month. I had my MRI’s, Optometry appointment, and am turning in my genetics information this week. So I’m staying on top of my health too. I’m not neglecting myself which is important. Que the self care bullshit haha.  What are you guys working on? I hope its less stressful than my shit show lol 

[ditto]

wi rehab week 3 review: the Week™. i KNOW this post is long but god please read about my misfortune if yall want a Saga

current status on raccoons: clement

number of monster energy drinks consumed: 2

number of buns directly killed: 1

Days Since Last Diarrhead on: 1

Baby Raccoon Count: 150ish? probably 130 that need to be bottle fed 

new tasks performed:

baby opossum cage maintenance

baby waterfowl cage maintenance

SQ fluid administration on raccoons

SQ vaccine administration on raccoons

What To Do When Your Tire Goes Flat 101

oral medication administration on possums

CHRONOLOGICAL TALE OF MISFORTUNE: i’m not going to do this regularly but the sheer amount of bad shit that happened this week was COMICAL so let me break down everything that happened to me this work week

MONDAY 6/8

got diarrhead on during 6am raccoon feeding

straight up killed a baby rabbit during bun feeding. they stress real easily and i’m bad at tubing so i had him out for a while and he just fuckin. died. from stress. in my hands. directly because of me being bad at my job. so you know that was uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

shovelled out wet dirty woodchips out of a walk-in enclosure with like 8 goslings using a snowshovel w/ another baby intern. you can’t put a ton of woodchips into one trash bag so we had to keep changing out the trash bag and it was like 92 degrees out and we were both wearing cloth masks and on god i really thought we were gonna die in there

during the pm feeding i get peed on by the EXACT SAME RACCOON that diarrhead on me during the am feeding 

TUESDAY 6/9: the Day(tm)

i have a therapy appointment scheduled at 2pm. my shift is 6am-2pm. i’ll need to leave at 1:30pm to get to it. i tell my supervisors this. it’s chill. i still feel bad about it, because i have anxiety.

right off the bat, i get scolded by my Actual Boss for doing something i watched one of the supervising interns do 

6am raccoon feeding: get diarrhead on again. 

a rac RIPS the fucking nipple off of the baby bottle we’re feeding them with and formula gets fucking everywhere. i say out loud at this moment “IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK”. one of my supervising interns feels bad for me and keeps trying to cheer me up throughout the day. she does make me feel better.

i get dishes which is fine bc i dont mind dishes for real but my hands turn into sandpaper the day after doing dishes for 2 hours so this is more :| than :/. i make jokes about how bad my week is going. the mood is, generally, looking up.

next raccoon feeding is scheduled for noon. raccoons are housed in a separate building, so it’s about a 5 minute drive to get there from the main area. we get ready to leave around 1pm. recap: i need to leave at 1:30pm for a therapy appointment. i’m planning on driving my own car down there so i can do this. it’s chill.

on my way down there, i start hearing the most godawful screeching of metal. i am, quote, “like uhhh.” when i open the gate to turn onto the highway, i stick my head out the window to look

my tire is flat.

i have a flat tire.

my fucking tire is FLAT dude.

>mfw

>

>

pull over after gate

tell the staff member following me “hey i have a flat tire so im probably not going to make it down to feed today” and shes like flkdjsalfksd okay

call the ONE supervising intern whose number i have, who is the one who heard me say IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK, like GUESS WHICH BITCH HAS A FLAT TIRE LMFAOOOOOOO. just making that one call was the funniest fucking thing that’s ever happened in my entire life

to quote her verbatim: “i guess you are having a bad week”

call my dad, who as it turns out was actively teaching a class when i called, so i am well and truly facked and am DEFINITELY not making this therapy appointment

ok. take a deep breath. check my car. i have a donut in my car. i have not changed a tire in three years, and have never changed one in the scenario of I Have A Flat Tire. fack. relay this to the one supervising intern whos number i know (i’m going to call her supervising intern 1 going forward here). ask her if anyone knows how to change a tire. 

supervising intern 1 calls back. apparently there’s a guy who lives on the same property we’re on named donnie. donnie is a maintenance worker who helps out a lot around the rehab place. donnie can help me change my tire. apparently someone currently down feeding raccoons is going to come pick me up and bring me over there so i can continue to feed raccoons until donnie can fix my tire. 

get call from supervising intern 2, whose number i did not have, apparently it got relayed. i ask her if anyone down there can change a tire. she says she can change a tire. she will help me change my tire she finishes on raccoon feeding. ok sounds good. someone is still going to come pick me up.

get call back 10 minutes later. apparently donnie is in the middle of a field right now and it is unlikely that he can fix my tire. someone is still going to come get me to feed raccoons, maybe. i tell her supervising intern 2 can help me change my tire after we finish our shift. she says thats fine. ok cool sick.

try to call therapist. i have no signal. send email which is, verbatim: “Hey! I'm currently on the the side of of the the road in [TOWN 30 MILES AWAY] with a flat tire, so I'm not going to make our appointment today. If we could reschedule for sometime soon, that would be great.” signal is bad, so this ends up being sent at 3pm.

(ALSO I LEARNED ABOUT THIS TODAY BUT APPARENTLY IN THE TIMELINE THERE’S A FIGHT HERE BETWEEN SUPERVISING INTERNS 1 AND 2 OVER HOW THE SITUATION IS PLAYING OUT WHICH IS EQUAL PARTS HILARIOUS AND “MAKES ME FEEL BAD”)

one of the other baby interns comes to pick me up and bring me down to racs. i walk in like AYYYYYYY and start feeding raccoons.

i get diarrhead on again.

i get diarrhead on again again. 

apparently 3 in one day is a record.

my shift is supposed to end at 2pm. we usually end up staying until 2:15-2:30ish, because that’s usually when the other team gets down here. since supervising intern 2 is currently my savior, she is going to drive me back over when the other team gets here and she leaves. other baby interns leave at 2:15ish, i think. 

the other team is, apparently, running late. they get here at 3pm.

supervising intern 2 drives me back over at 3pm. we get to my car.

the donut is on.

the tire is in the trunk.

apparently donnie was, in fact, able to come change my tire. no one told me this. 

im like ok. this is fine. i tell supervising intern 2 thank u for my life. i leave.

my donut has a 50mph max speed limit. i tell google maps to avoid highways on my way home. this turns my 30 minute drive home into a 50 minute one, and still ends up with me being terrifyingly tailgated by trucks for going 10 miles under the speed limit. i almost, but do not, run out of gas on the way home.

i get home around 4:10pm. i call the auto shop across the street from me and tell them i have a flat tire, but i need the car by 6am tomorrow. do they think they can have it fixed by then. they tell me to bring it over and they’ll let me know.

i bring the car over. i give them my keys. i say thank you and leave.

i realize that my garage door opener is in my car, which is now locked. i have no other way into the house, because our garage door keypad has been broken for 2 years. the sliding glass door in the backyard is locked.

i walk back into the auto shop 5 minutes later and ask in the Polite But Obviously Having A Day tone if i can have my keys back so i can get it. i get my garage door opener out of my car. i give the keys back.

i enter my home. i lay spread-eagled on my bed for one hour.

auto place calls back and tells me they fixed the tire. im like did you replace it or did u fix it. theyre like we fixed it come on over. i almost cry on the phone.

go back over. guy is like “ya u ran over a screw LOL”. gives me my keys back. i wait to pay

after a bit hes like “you dont have to pay anything. this is on the house.”

almost cry

thank him

get car

go home

eat

shower

go to bed at 8pm 

WEDNESDAY (6/10)

everyone at work is immediately like AYYY and in general just very nice about the whole thing. i thank everyone involved for helping. its chill

dont get diarrhead on this feeding but i do get bit for like NO got dam reason what the fack

next up is cleaning juvenile cages and i swear to god i get the nastiest. fucking. raccoon cage i have ever seen in my entire life. there was an...i wanna say eigth-of-an-inch thick layer of raccoon diarrhea across this 2 foot x 4 foot cage

like on GOD the smell was so bad i was gagging through a goddamn cloth mask just. oh my god. i had to just go stand outside and stare into the abyss afterwards for a few minutes it was so NASTY IT WAS SO NASTY

mercifully, i am spared from further misfortune for the rest of the day. i come home. i am so tired.

WAIT I HAVE TO MENTION THAT SUPERVISING INTERN 1 HAD SUCH BAD LUCK FEEDING RABBITS TODAY SO LIKE...my luck is contagious 

notes and observations

anyone who is anti-euthanasia in animal shelters and any other large-scale animal welfare places in general can absolutely suck my dick

most other baby animals will generally have various stages of “baby x”, but opossums look like Adults Except Tiny from a very early age. they have stolen my heart.

birds are poopy little creatures

[bigskydreaming]

So it took interest rates that were like WE OWN UR SOUL NOW U FOOL HAHA TWILL BE OURS FOREVER, but joke’s on them lol like I never use that thing anyway. But I got the personal loan for $10K in the end after like a month of searching but who knew that obsessively raising my credit score for a year by like....occasionally chilling all night in an IHOP rather than use a credit card too much on a room would like....pay off with a credit score that actually is useful to me in a way that means I don’t even care right now that hahaha credit scores are just pointless imaginary numbers that really only exist because capitalism’s a dick?

Look I’m allowed to be a hypocrite for three weeks let me have this, I promise I’ll go back to ranting about people selling their souls for the sake of strings of binary code on a computer screen, like just cuz I wasn’t using mine doesn’t mean other ppl don’t want theirs.

Because oh yeah so I was like gimme the loan plz and they were like ugh fine and I somehow got my credit card companies to raise my limits because I’ve had them for over a year now and I honestly couldn’t even tell you how I convinced them to do that like did I haggle did I beg did I put out, who knows, it’s been a very long and strange and sleep deprived month and that’s on top of a long, strange, sleep-deprives two years. Point is between raising my limits on those two, the loan of DOOM and getting a CareCredit card with the remaining credit left to me or before the latter realized I’d just massively dinged my credit cuz the raised limits and loan hadn’t been reported yet, I came up with the $12400. Like again most of that is in the form of imaginary money that I’ll probably spend years paying out of future paychecks so if anyone wants to go ahead and put The Revolution on the books for like, say October, that would actually really work for me. I’d even be all pumped and full of rest and vigor and extra fightey and like, you know how fightey I usually am to begin with I’m just saying....

So now I am literally just waiting for my loan check to clear in my bank account cuz my doctor doesn’t accept checks. Second it does, probably Monday, I’ll go down to my doctors office, pay the $6200 upfront and finish the insurance paperwork for them to submit the claim for the insurance company’s part of it, and they can officially schedule my surgery, possibly in as little as three weeks??!!

Which is absolutely surreal to me, like after literal years of treading water and setbacks and everything dragging out endlessly and he’ll even just yesterday, it’s utterly bizarre finishing my stuff at my bank and doctor’s this morning and hearing how matter of fact they all are about how quickly things could happen now and like. Finally be over. Or like, start lol in the sense of holy shit I could actually maybe have an actual life again.

They can’t confirm a date until my first payment is processed, only then does she officially put me on the books at Cedar Sinai when they can get me into an open OR, but it hopefully could be the 20th. She’s already got another surgery scheduled for that day and an OR booked for it with potential slots before and after it but I can’t count on the 20th as a given just yet. Could still be one, two or even three weeks after that before they actually fit me in, so I’m trying not to set my thoughts and hopes too much on that three weeks from now appointment but that’s easier said than done. LOL.

But whenever it’s actually set for, I go in the day of, pay the second half of the payment, and the surgery takes a few hours but they send me home the same day. My high school friend from San Diego hopefully is going to be able to take enough time off to look out for me while I recover, we’ve been tentatively planning for that for most of a year but couldn’t guarantee anything with her work until we had actual dates which I mean we still don’t technically have. But my jaw will be wired shut for ten days so there’s no way I can manage on my own, esp the way I’ve been getting by day-to-day, and I’ll be on a liquid diet and having to drink everything through a special straw and stuff and completely unable to talk the whole time and oh yeah also apparently in agonizing pain that I’ve been extensively warned could put anything I’ve experienced thus far to shame, so I’m really REALLY looking forward to that part lol. Currently pondering the viability of just knocking myself unconscious every day. We’ll see how it goes.

But after that I go back in ten days later and they unwire my jaw, check that everything looks okay and I’m healing the way I’m supposed to, and I have two weeks of physical therapy and....that’s it. It’s over. I’m just. I’m just leaving that right there for now because I honestly don’t even know what to do with that thought after all this time, it’s. Like I can’t quite wrap my head around it and even really picture how that works. Idk my brain just fizzes out and it’s like wait, are you sure, that doesn’t sound right.

But like I made them go over it multiple times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything or understanding it wrong or whatever, like my doctor was this combination of kinda amused but also exasperated when I finally stopped asking to go over it all again. LOL look I just really really really needed to be sure there wasn’t something else involved that like I was supposed to already know or have been told by someone else, I don’t know okay? Anyone who’s been following me the last couple years knows that this isn’t how this sort of things go, they’re supposed to get my hopes up and then tell me they have no clue what’s wrong or send me off to someone else or tell me oh yeah you also need another thirty thousand and an MRI and some headgear that’s like made of platinum, but we just thought you already knew that. LOL.

But. I mean. Yeah. That’s it. I checked. A lot. Theoretically though unless there’s some new bizarre development in which case I will most likely detach my spirit from my body and evolve into my ultimate great rage power Digimon form, AreYouFreakingKiddingMeMon, and go like, fight god or the physical embodiment of the universe or whatever like I keep threatening....like, that really is what’s left. And then it’s all over. My jaw should by all accounts be restored to its full functionality from before all this. No more pain, no more eternal headache, no vertigo, blind-outs, no problems eating any particular food or swallowing or 45 degree slope to my lower jaw, none of the shit that’s been my day to day existence for well. Years. LOL.

Yeah. Really don’t know what to do with that yet. I just. Can’t. Haha.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, I literally couldn’t have made it to this point without the support of people here, both emotionally and financially. I hate to ask it because you’ve helped so much already, but I’m definitely going to have to ask for your help a little longer, there’s just no way around it. I am completely wiped and tbh overwhelmed so I’m probably going to try and sleep the rest of the day - I was pretty much up all night, unable to sleep while I waited to hear back on all this.

Then when my head’s fully processing things again and not friztzing our because I’ve forgotten how to process good news, lol, I’ll probably be putting together a post asking for your help paying my insurance premiums one last time, and on Monday or once I get the official set in stone date for my surgery I’ll be doing another, basically begging you guys to help keep me afloat the hopefully no more than three weeks til then.

I really really hate having to do that when I know you all have helped and given so much already, and it’ll literally be nothing more than my basic expenses of motel room and food, I don’t need anything beyond that, but I truly don’t see anyway around it. I exhausted every possible avenue available for me to try with my credit in order to get this loan and raise my limits enough, and I milked every cent I could out of those. There’s just no more money to be pulled out of any of that, it took everything I had to get what I needed for the surgery. And I’m afraid of the very real possibility that if I don’t ask for this help because of pride or because of how much I’ve asked for already, I’ll end up using one of my credit cards to pay for my room and such and end up stuck without enough money at hand to cover the second half payment on my day of surgery and I truly literally can not afford that. I have no idea what will happen with my insurance if I have to reschedule, how long it would take to reschedule, etc.

And the other side of this is there’s really not a whole lot left I can do for work at the moment. I’ve finished off all my existing projects except for one last cover and they already paid for it in advance. I honestly don’t know that I could take on new jobs if it ends up with my surgery on the 20th in just three weeks. Searching for more jobs and clients has become more and more time consuming these past months as is, and the simple truth is I couldn’t in good conscience or in honesty guarantee any new clients that I could finish their job in that time frame. Not with my present state physically and mentally and the uncertainty of my day to day expenses and stress about potential complications hanging over my head and not, truthfully, mixing all that well with my pre-existing mental health conditions lol. And yeah, if I can’t guarantee getting any new projects done in three weeks, I can’t afford to take them on for any potential client’s sake, not to mention the sake of my professional reputation, which I will really need to be, y’know, intact, in order to rebuild my life basically from the ground up, once my previous physicality and quality of life comes back after my surgery and recovery (knock on wood). With at least two or three weeks of recovery after the surgery even assuming it goes well and has no other complications, that’s way too much time to leave clients hanging and not be available to address any needs, concerns, revisions, etc. Especially if they’re not returning clients but brand new ones.

So yeah, as much as I would love to not have to ask for any more help than I already have and have been given, I sincerely just don’t see any alternatives that don’t jeopardize or risk wasting all the help I’ve already been given. You know I am fully aware of just how much that is and what its cost some of you, and I already could never repay you for this, not even in terms of just the money itself, but the fact that I know some of you have given at your own very real expense, sending me money that you really could have used yourself, that wasn’t any kind of surplus. I am already beyond grateful and humbled and overwhelmed how many of you have stepped forward to help me in ways that even though I’m older than many of you, I honestly have no precedent for, in ways and to an extent I’ve never received help or support from family. So I just needed to say that again, because I have not asked for any of this lightly, and I don’t now either. Really, really thank you. I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic or hyperbolic or silly for a change, when I say you guys most likely saved my life. Its simple fact. Hell, I was genuinely hours away from sleeping outside freezing my ass off in December, that first time I posted asking for help and you guys came through for me. So, yeah. I will never ever forget this, and never ever be able to give back as much as I’ve been given these past few months, though I will always do my best to pay it forward.

I’m going to go ahead and leave my paypal link here anyway, though I’ll be making those two additional posts tomorrow and next week, as I said. Aiming to keep them shorter than this, well, shorter than any of my posts, really, as shorter posts really just get more traction and I’ll need that. I can always link to the longer explanations of my situation for those wanting to know more.

Again, thank you all more than I can figure out how to put into words. I’m finally. Fuck. LOL. Sorry, I’m being very umm, sentimental over here but like its your fault I’m overwhelmed lol, like omg you guys, you can’t just throw love and affection and support at a guy with so much childhood traaaaaaaaauma, his brain doesn’t know how to handle it, look, you broke him. Are you happy? You broke his brain machine.

Okay cool, we’re back to inanity and obnoxious humor as an overcompensating self-defense mechanism, whew, everything’s normal, everyone can relax. LOL. Anyway, I’m gonna shut up now and go try and get some rest. Just know that I’m doing so feeling way more....hopeful? Optimistic? Faith-in-humanity-and-goodwill-and-community-ey? Than I have in years.

....the fact that I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now is called probably tells you all you need to know about me, huh? LMFAO God I’m so messed up lol. But whatever. Still alive and kicking. So. Y’know. There’s always that.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi, Loving the blog my darling ❤️ Currently starting uni at the grand age of 21 with absolutely no clue what I’m doing in life. My mental health has really been tough and I feel as though everything is going wrong 😩 I just can’t fathom how people find out who they are or what they enjoy - life just seems to be one big grumpy ball determined to knock you over 😓 any grand life advice you Wish you’d been given or things you think everyone should be aware of? ❤️❤️❤️

Hi Nonny! *HUGS* 

First off, I’m so sorry I put this off so long... I’ve had a headache for a few days and it’s hard for me to give good responses when I do.

That said, I’m not a professional, so please use your own judgement after some of your own research

First of all, don’t feel bad about starting college “late”... there’s NO SUCH THING as too old to learn. I also started at 21, and there were people in my classes on their “second career” (in Ontario, the gov’t used to offer grants for people who were laid off and wanted to pursue higher learning in a second career; not sure if they still do that). I was also in the same boat you were: I had no idea where my life was going to lead, I just knew that if I wanted to work in a professional field, I needed college, and I literally chose my career path by browsing the course offerings at the college I wanted to go to.

In hindsight, MAKING THE EFFORT TO GO TO SCHOOL was a huge first step in a new direction I was terrified to make, and so I totally understand WHY you’re scared, and coupled with mental health issues I can’t begin to imagine the levels of stress you’re feeling. So, I think when you first start (or just before you begin) look into your college’s counselling services; it’s part of your tuition and they’re there to help you get through your schooling. Every college and uni have their own websites, and if you’re willing to dig deep enough (actually, just go to their “site map”, it’s supposed to link every single page their website has), you can find faculty emails and information about counselling services offered and / or any restrictions they have. I highly recommend you start there, try to get an appointment early since many people will be doing it as well. Write out some concerns you have, and bring them with you when you go to see your counsellor. Also, make sure you find out if it’s a life counsellor vs a career counsellor... actually, I just had a thought, all unis and colleges (in Canada at least) have an on-site health centre which actually may be the best place to start for your mental health resource quest. THEY may be able to direct you in the right direction for that aspect. BUT since you’re not sure what you want to do with your career, I do still suggest seeing a counsellor who can help you understand what you can do with your chosen degree / diploma. Doing that may help ease your stress about that. 

Next, let’s tackle the “find out what they enjoy” aspect of your ask: I TOTALLY feel you on the grumpiness, I really do. Even today, nearly 2 decades after my own college life, I’m constantly grumpy and stressed. And I’m not going to tell you to “just think positive!” because that’s ridiculous, and it’s more complicated than just that, and poo-poo to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. For me, I think it was just trying to do things I never would have, and being brave and talking to people in my classes. My best friends inevitably are the ones I made in college, because we have a lot in common and we did a lot of new things together. I suggest maybe reaching out and doing the same! Colleges and unis ALWAYS have some sort of groups going on, like LGBT, Anime, movies, hiking, etc. TRY THEM ALL. Have fun! Be daring! Most of those types of groups plan outings and activities either for free or at low-cost, and who knows, you may find out you enjoy something you never thought you would! If you spend all your free time just studying or doing school work, you’re gonna burn out before the first semester is over, trust me on this one. 

First year is PURPOSELY the hardest year, just as a word of warning, because they need to weed out those who aren’t serious about doing the program – they don’t want to waste your time and money just as much as you don’t, believe it or not. I’m not going to sugar coat that for you at all... I almost failed first year, but finding a good balance between school and personal activities as well as discussing concerns I had with my professors, I was able to pick my grades up and make it through to second year... and it actually got a LOT easier in second and third year, because the professors were marking us on quality as opposed to technique. Sure, I pulled my share of all nighters, but mostly because I am the WORLD’S WORST PROCRASTINATOR. 

So my tip: if you’re a procrastinator, get that shit out of your system, because spending all night painting colour-matching squares on illustration board is legit the un-funnest way to spend a Sunday night when I had all week to do it. Some people work better under pressure (I actually do, strangely enough) but if you don’t have the mental ability to handle the stress, I really, REALLY recommend you DON’T PROCRASTINATE. Keep a day planner to help you sort your work vs personal time, and you should be just fine. 

Hmm, what else? 

Don’t forgo food, for the love of god. Groceries are cheaper than eating out, so learn to cook simple things: Pasta is literally boiled water and noodles, and canned sauce. That’s literally under 10$ for a few days’ worth of food. It’s delicious and keeps you full and alert to get on with your days. 

As I said above, schools have a health centre with FULL medical services, at least in Canada. Take full advantage of their services since you’re paying for it. Get check ups, talk to nurses about your mental health, and get recommendations to local therapists if you feel you need more than what the on-campus ones can offer; recommendations with doctor’s notes gets you reduced rates for therapy, if I recall correctly (please correct me if I’m wrong, lovelies).

Most schools also have gym memberships paid-for in your tuition; ours was a branch of the YMCA good at ANY YMCA in Canada, and we could use the on-campus gym any time of the day or night. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. Physical activity helps promote the natural endorphins in your body which help you feel better mentally. It doesn’t have to be anything strenuous: when I first started, I just did one hour on the recliner bike every day. It made me feel better and encouraged me to try other things in the gym, like the treadmill and weights. I found out I actually like working out a few times a week. I do it for ME, not for anyone else. Don’t do it “to be thin” or whatever (that’s a WHOLE other heap of garbage I’m not getting into here). Do it because it makes your mind happy. The gym is an EXCELLENT place to sort out your thoughts and plan your week ahead. The benefit to the recliner bike is that you can have a book or something and jot notes down while getting the exercise in.

DON’T PROCRASTINATE, like I said above. 

Get a part-time job if you find yourself needing something to do with some time you have. Some schools have a student-job centre where you can work on-campus for the print centre or student union, or you can just get a 8 to 16 hours-a-week job like at a grocery store (which is what I did) which wasn’t stressful at all because it was cleaning and food prep; it will look good on your resume that you can multitask like that, having a job and school at the same time, and job skills are transferrable to school as well :) Most part-time jobs will accommodate your school schedule.

HAVE FUN. Seriously, college were the best years of my life, not because I was out drinking every weekend (I actually WASN’T), but because I gained a lot of valuable life experiences from my time away, and I made amazing friends and a lot of my favourite memories were the activities we did together. We did a lot of hiking trips together, and I loved those.

Not much else I can say, Nonny, really, other than it’s perfectly normal to be scared and worried about your future. That’s why taking some time out to sit down and make yourself a schedule will help you handle it. I believe in you and I really REALLY think you will have a great time in college. So exciting, moving onto the next chapter of your life!

Good luck, Nonny, and I love you!

[veganmikehanlon]

A/N: I wrote this story a while ago and then turned it into stanlon lol also idr if nerds r vegan but I ate some yesterday so here’s hoping!

Pairing: Stan x Mike

Description: Two anxious boys coming together 

Warning: a lil bit of self harm/picking

Word count: 3,226 omg

“Hello, this is Mike, how can I help you?” There’s no sound at first and Mike pulls the phone away from his ear for a moment. He’s been working in a therapist office for a couple of months now. It felt fitting, he couldn’t afford regular therapy appointments for himself yet, but he can help other people get what they need.

His heartbeat picks up a beat because he’s unsure if he should just hang up? But he puts the phone back to his ear in time to hear: “Sorry I’m having an anxiety attack right now.” The voice is shaky and now Mike can hear the just-too-fast breaths.

“Wow, same.” It slips out before Mike can help it and oh my god that’s so unprofessional. He glances around at his coworkers but doesn’t see any reaction so he hopes they didn’t even hear him. “What are the chances?” The voice over the phone asks breathlessly, refocusing Mike’s attention.

Unsure now how to proceed he settles with the truth. “I mean pretty high, considering my phone call phobia. I pretty much spend my whole work day having an anxiety attack.” He tells them in a low voice. “How do you do it?” They ask incredulously. He laughs even though he doesn’t mean to and this time he does see a coworker notice him. Gotta keep it professional, got it. But also the person on the other end of the phone asked him a direct question so…

”I can pretty much operate if there's a script,” Mike tells them. “I also have like, three stress balls.” He hears a laugh huff out against his ear and he smiles because if he can make them laugh it can’t be a totally failed interaction. The line is quiet for a moment except for the gradual steadying of breath on the other end.

“Wow you know I don’t think I even need to see my therapist anymore I already feel better.” They quip in a suddenly much smoother tone that surprises a laugh out of Mike and now he’s definitely getting looks from his coworkers. His cheeks heat up at the attention but the person on the other end of the phone takes up more of his attention with their soft laugh.

“Please let me make you an appointment I’m not qualified for this!” Mike jokes. He’s flustered by his desire to make the person on the other end of the phone laugh again even after getting embarrassed.  “I don’t know,” they sigh, “this is the fastest I’ve gotten over an anxiety attack in ages.”

An unprofessionally wide smile crosses Mikes' face. “Just send me the co-pay.” He says, his voice soft. “I’m glad I can help though, you helped me too.” He says and why can’t he stop talking. Mike glances around but his coworkers have gone back to not paying attention to him. It’s his favorite thing about the job, how little attention people pay to each other.

“You should let me make your appointment though.” They agree and Mike returns to the script, “your name?” He asks. “Stanley Uris, U-R-I-S. Mike types the name into his database pulling up the information he needs to make an appointment.

They sail comfortably through the rest of the phone call, both saying a warm goodbye. Mike hangs up the phone and takes a deep breath, willing the blush he’s sure he has away with all his might.

******

Mike doesn’t hear back from Stanley for a while. It’s totally normal, most people make future appointments directly with their therapists. So it’s about a month later when he gets a call from him again. They both follow the script this time even when Mike recognizes the name. It would be weird to say anything, it’s not like Stanley knows who he is. That is until there’s a moment of silence while Mike waits for his screen to load Stanley’s therapists' schedule, and he notices the uneven breathing on the other end.

“Are you okay?” Slips out almost before Mike can help it. Shit. The breathing on the other end gets even wispier. Shit shit shit. Not professional. They don’t know who he is. “Um yeah.” He hears. “Just kinda having an anxiety attack, the usual.” Mike huffs out a laugh because yeah, same. So he tells them that because, hey, it worked last time. And Stanley laughs and Mike laughs and breaking from the script is okay for the second time since he started this job.

*******

The next time Mike hears from Stanley is the first time he sees him. He comes into the office. Mike was on the phone when he first walks in so someone else is helping him.

He doesn’t know it’s Stanley yet and he doesn’t look far enough away from his computer screen to see their face but he notices their hands curled up on the desk next to his and how they nervously pick at the skin around their fingers. It makes his stomach curl in that way where he suddenly wants to start picking at his own nails.

Mike grabs a stress ball instead and finishes his phone call with the ever-present “have a nice day!” He looks over and the person at the counter is still picking at their cuticles and he can feel the familiar ache of peeling skin from nail and squeezes the stress ball harder and scans up to their face and oh my god they’re so cute.

It’s a boy with sandy brown hair that falls in waves and soft curls around his face. Mike can see a blue collared shirt under a dark denim jacket loaded with pins. Mike’s gaze gets stuck on how the boy is chewing his bottom lip nervously. Turning it red and raw.

And oh my god that’s so unprofessional. Mikes cheeks heat up and he glances around hoping no one is paying any attention to him and they’re not (is anyone ever? The part of his brain that isn’t completely ruled by anxiety asks). He glances up at their face again and accidentally catches his eye.

He actually wills his phone to ring to give him something to do because oh my god they’re so cute and distracting and this is so unprofessional why are they even still in here don’t they have somewhere else to be?

Mike squeezes his stress ball harder and tries to inconspicuously take deep breaths because no one needs to know about the moment he’s having. He glares at his phone wishing for it to ring and then glances around at his coworkers in suspicion because why are they all busy and he isn’t, he would really like to be taking a  phone call right now!

But then he hears the person at the counter (the very cute person, his brain supplies) say “Stanley Uris, U-R-I-S” and Mike’s heart stutters. It’s them. Maybe. Probably. The name repeats in a loop in his head.

Stanley Uris, U-R-I-S the same name as the person Mike talked to over the phone a couple times when they were having an anxiety attack. It makes him breathe slower just to think about it. Then immediately speed back up because here he is!

Stanley Uris, U-R-I-S, is standing right here in the office with him and he’s cute. The idea that the voice over the phone and the person standing in front of him are one and the same flits around his mind. Mike can’t believe the person he always hopes is calling when he answers the phone is right in front of him being super cute and when did he start wanting him to call all the time?

Mike can feel himself spiraling and then finally his phone rings. Except now he’s not expecting it and it startles him and he jumps and the stress ball flies out of his hand and over the counter and suddenly everyone is looking at him.

He fumbles for the phone and for a moment he forgets his script but then it comes because he’s been doing this for long enough that it’s there even when he doesn’t want it to be. His heart is thundering in his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Stanley Uris, U-R-I-S finish their business.

Suddenly their hands appear at Mike’s desk holding his stress ball out to him. He feels his face grow hotter and he thinks he must be bright red at this point, but he slowly looks from their hands with the red irritated marks around their fingers to their very cute face that is smiling softly at him and he covers the phone’s mouthpiece and breathlessly he says “keep it.”

******

“You know if you hadn’t already told me you had like three more I wouldn’t have taken it.” Mike hears a voice and looks up from his lunch. He’s sitting outside because it’s actually a nice day, he thought he’d found somewhere out of sight enough to not be bothered. He’s almost mad about it until he looks up. Button up, dark jean jacket with pins, Mike’s mouth goes dry and he swallows roughly. It’s Stanley. Uris. U-R-I-S.  

He’s rolling Mike’s stress ball between his hands. Mike huffs out a laugh and clears his throat, “that’s only the ones at my desk.” he tells him. “That’s not even counting the ones in my car.” Stanley laughs quietly and Mike laughs and as uncomfortable as he is about not having a script for this interaction it’s also, kind of okay.

Mike watches him roll the ball into his left hand so he can stick out his right, “I’m Stan, by the way.” He says a soft smile on his face. Mike can’t help but follow the curve of his smile with his eyes, before dropping to the outstretched hand. He clears his throat and takes Stan’s hand gently in his own, “I’m Mike,” he says shyly, butterflies fluttering through his insides.

“Is this a perk of the job or what?” Stan asks holding the ball in his left hand up. Mike realizes he’s still holding Stan’s hand and quickly pulls his away, embarrassed.  “Yeah, you know, therapists,” Mike huffs, rolling his eyes “they catch you biting your cuticles one time and suddenly you're at risk and in need of a billion stress balls!”

Stanley laughs and wow they’re so cute… Mike’s face heats up at the thought but, technically he’s not on the clock so fuck professionalism he tells himself somehow smug at his own brain for finding that loophole. “It did help,” Stanley says quietly and Mike notices the bandaid around the finger he’d seen him picking at.

“Good,” Mike says just as quiet, a small smile slipping onto his face. He thinks back to the first phone call when he’d sorta accidentally helped him through an anxiety attack, and the joke Stanley had made. “Does that mean I get your co-pay since I’m helping you through everything?”

Stanley lets out a sharp laugh that he quickly stifles with a hand over his mouth. He’s still smiling when he lowers his hand, just a small quirk of his lips. Mike doesn’t know how just that sets his heart beating quickly in his chest but he seems to find everything Stan does…endearing.

Stanley scuffs the toe of his shoes, impeccably clean black and white vans,  against the ground in front of him. “You might have to take that up with my therapist,” he quips making Mike chuckle softly. “Speaking of-“ Stanley starts his voice falling into disappointment, “my session’s about to start so, I’ll see you around?” He asks hopefully.

Butterflies congregate in a flurry in Mike’s stomach and oh my god yes, please. “Yeah.” He says, “I’ll be here.” And with a small wave, Stanley’s walking away, leaving Mike stewing in the heat in his face and the butterflies in his stomach.

***

Finally, finally, finally, after the longest, hardest, worst day, Mike is clocked out and leaving work. He barely wanted to leave his house this morning let alone go to work for 8 hours and talk on the phone to strangers. He’s just got to get home and then he can relax with a bowl and his shows and hopefully avoid the anxiety attack that’s been brewing in his chest all day.

Mike is looking down, pulling his car keys out of the pocket of his jacket he’s carrying and doesn’t see the person standing just outside the door until he’s only a few steps away. He stops in his tracks, dread washing over him. One more interaction, even a little one, even being looked at might just send him over the edge.

The lump in his throat grows and he takes a shuddering breath, trying to build his resolve. He shuffles forward a few more steps, swallowing roughly, and as he reaches out to push the door open he catches sight of their hands and oh. That’s Mike’s stress ball.

Knowing who it is sends a small spiral of calm down his spine, just enough to push open the door and greet Stan with a breathless, “hey.” Stan jumps and turns with wide eyes, a gasp fluttering from his lips. Oh shit, Mike thinks, he’s on the edge of his own anxiety attack but it looks like Stan is already there. Mike’s brain nags at him that there’s nothing he can do and he shouldn’t try; he should just go home and have a cry.

The quick shuddering breath mobilizes Mike and before he knows it he’s taken a step forward. “Hey,” he says, voice gentle, “are you okay?” Stan raises his hands to his face, the heel of his open palm pressing into one eye and the fist curled around the stress ball presses into the other. “Yeah.” He says shortly with a bitter laugh.

Mike watches his shoulders slump and Stan lets out a sigh. “Well no, obviously.” Mike lets out a huff that might’ve been a laugh if a laugh didn’t know what emotion it was supposed to express. Stan tilts his head back, hands still covering his eyes. “Just…a hard session I guess.” He admits slowly, Mike nods in understanding before remembering Stan can't see him.

“Anything I can do?” Mike asks shifting forward, he desperately wants to pull Stan’s hands away from his face to hold and have Stan looking at him instead of whatever dark thoughts occupy his mind. Mike doesn’t move though, he doesn’t know the other’s physical boundaries. Mike chews on his bottom lip as he waits for an answer.

He hears a sniff and then Stan’s shoulders start shaking and oh no he’s crying. Mike stiffens, he hates seeing other people cry, it always makes him start crying and he’s already so close…

“Is it okay if I touch your arm?” Mike asks gently. He just can’t help himself, when he sees someone upset he has to help. Especially when they’re really cute and give him butterflies…Mike pushes that thought away forcefully, now is not the time.

Stan gives a small nod and Mike steps forward and places a gentle hand on his upper arm. “You're okay,” he says sweetly, making small movements with his thumb. He feels Stan lean into the gesture, encouraging Mike to bring his other hand up so he’s gently gripping both arms, trying to ground him.

“I’m sorry you had a rough session,” Mike says softly, “I think you’re really brave for even showing up to therapy, to be honest. That shit is so scary, I don’t know how you do it.” Stan’s shoulders start shaking harder and Mike can feel his heaving breaths. Mike pulls him gently in until he’s hugging Stan against him.

He wraps one arm around his shoulders and the other finds a home in Stan’s soft curls. “You’re okay,” Mike repeats making soft hushing sounds until Stan starts to settle. He’s taller than Mike but he’s tucked his head into Mike’s neck, the hands covering his eyes falling to fist in Mikes shirt. “I’m so embarrassing.” Mike hears, mumbled.

Mike chuckles kindly, gently playing with the ends of Stan’s hair. “You’re not embarrassing,” He tells him sincerely. Stan pulls away just far enough to be able to look into his face, giving Mike a small watery smile. “Why are you so good at this?” He asks quietly.

Mike snorts and rolls his eyes, “I’m literally a walking anxiety attack,” He tells him. Stan sniffles, his small smile growing wider, and Mike notices dimples appearing. They’re quickly covered by Stan’s hand covering his mouth. “Why do you do that?” Mike asks.

Stan lowers his hand, his brow furrowing in confusion, “do what?” he asks. Mike gestures to Stan’s face, to his now pinched lips, “always cover up your smile?” Stan’s eyes widen and his mouth falls open a bit in surprise. A contemplative look crosses over his face, but then, he cracks a small smile and shrugs his shoulders. Mike can’t help the giggle that comes out of his mouth, causing Stan to start laughing again too.

They laugh more and Stan leans into Mike again and he loops an arm around his shoulders. “I’m really gonna have to talk to your therapist about getting a cut of the pay I mean really!” Mike jokes and Stan huffs out another laugh and pushes Mike away playfully.

That night when Mike gets home, he carries through with his plan of smoking and watching tv. But he goes to bed with a light heart, thinking about Stan’s weight in his arms and his hand in his hair.

***

He’s in the back filing patient records when his coworker walks up. “Hey, there’s someone in the front asking for you.” Mike tries to ask who but they just shrug and let him hand them the paperwork he’s holding. He walks out and sees Stan standing by his desk and his heart skips, just a little.

Stan notices him and perks up, “hi!” He greets and okay maybe Mike’s heart skips a lot. “Hey,” Mike responds a little breathlessly. Stan shuffles a little and Mike tries to not find it very cute, a part of his brain screaming about professionalism.

Stan clears his throat, eyes darting around the room before landing back on Mike. He shrugs, just a small lift of a shoulder, and offers him a warm smile. “I just wanted to thank you for you know, um, being so nice to me?” It comes out like a question and Mike can’t help but chuckle.

“I got you these!” Stan says handing over a couple boxes of Nerds. “Just as a thank you.” Mike knows he’s blushing but he can’t seem to care. “Thank you,” he says sincerely with a wide smile. Stan nods and points a thumb over his shoulder saying, “I gotta go, but, I’ll see you around?”

Mike smiles and tries not to nod too eagerly. He doesn’t quite manage it. “I’ll be here.” He says.  It isn’t until later when the warm blush has faded from his cheeks, that Mike decides to open the Nerds. He’s got the box partially open when he sees something written in sharpie. He turns the box and sees a number, a phone number, with a small: -Stan <3, written on the end.

[maxxmutt]

Hiiii venting abt skool n mental health ignore me

I've been struggling a lot this semester since it even started but wow am I ever going downhill. I'm so unhappy. I'm so stressed and anxious and worn out. I'm burnt out I think, but I have so much work to do that I don't have time to be burnt out. I've hit a point where Im sat here fully planning on skipping class today. Im going in to drop off some supllies for a diff class and buy a supply late but im not going in on time or attending my actual scheduled class lmao. That doesnt sound that bad but i was always the kid who NEVER skipped classes or dipped out early. I refused to do that but here I am, skipping multiple classes and dipping out of others midway thru.

I'm so exausted and sad all the time. I miss being able to spend time with my family at home, I never get to do that as often and I'm so upset. I'm upset abt everything I just want the semester to be over so I can breath and stop killing myself with these stress levels. I'm simultaneously stressed out of my mind trying to do work and completley apathetic and uncaring that it's late, shit quality, or that I don't show up. Idk what to do with myself. This is all so much I just wish it would stop. I want it to be over.

It doesn't help that I am built with a horrible work ethic even without the horrid mental health. My adhd loves to procrastinate, ESPECIALLY when there's more work and more stress. The worse it is the worse my work ethic is, but I haven't been able to wrangle that either.

I hate this so much but I've invested so much time and money already I may as well keep going for the next year but like. This year is so fucking god awful, if next year is like this I may just fucking drop out anyway cause withstanding this has been so hard, I also don't wanna be a coward tho.. but bc I am dealing with this kinda thing I feel like I don't belong. I don't deserve to be here bc im clearly not good or stable enough to get thru. Ik that's stupid but I don't deserve it as much as those who put in more work n effort.

I KNEW during 1st week that i should drop ome class and take my next 2 yrs slow and spread them out longer so i can actually function to do them. I knew this. And i still just left it thinking id be fine. LMAO NO. it doesmt help that that makes me feel like just when i think i am capable of things and trust myself to do more than my bad brain tells me, i cant and am actually just as incapable as my thoughts try to say. Im not capable and im not able to keep up and do the work i should be able to do.

I should really go to therapy and i know this, but I do not have the time at all. My schedule is way too busy, and I don't have the emotional or mental strength to think about booking appointments rn. I'm upset that when I need it the most I don't have the time, bc any semester would be like this. Unless I spread the rest of my degree out over more than 1 year but I'm suffering actively and ofc bc im so fucking busy I can't get that support. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so lost on what to do. Idk. Ig I'll just drop off my shit and sleep instead of doing hw lol.

[unhinged-diaries-blog]

I hope I make you proud

You would think I would learn about procrastination... if I haven’t learned by now, I really don’t think I’m ever going to learn. I just submitted a nine page assignment for my midterm and I hope I do well. I think I’m at the point where I’m supposed to getting my degree that I literally don’t care about anything anymore. It wasn’t as bad as when I got my associates a few years ago but I wish I could care when it comes to my bachelors.

Later tonight I will go over some reading but I think save that for the morning. This English class is such a fucking downer. I hate one professor and I barely tolerate the other. I wish American literature was more exciting and I hope British literature actually awaken me. It doesn’t take much to obtain your bachelors in English it’s just a lot of critical thinking, paper writing, grammar and the will to read thousands of pages.

I’m trying to think of new in exciting things that are in my life right now and honestly it’s just that I’m dealing with midterms that is preoccupying me. I need to make an appointment with one professor on a midterm I’m having in 10 days a week from Thursday essentially. It’s not in so much as I can’t do it it’s I never in my seven years of my education not had a study guide. I think once I go through the notes of the last four weeks I should be fine.

My therapist is booked up until April fools yeah the jokes on me, lol? She’s really surprised by my weight loss and the fact that in the last year I have turned a major corner and concerning my mental health. I have finally with her help come to the realization that I can walk away from the toxic family anytime I want to.

I expressed to her that I have not spoken to my immediate family in several weeks. She’s really happy that I have these boundaries because when it concerns the toxicity in my immediate family. I don’t ever want to be in it. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells when concerning the state of affairs with the mother or my oldest brother and the fact that I was told he is essentially stealing her money and my mom doesn’t have the balls to stand up to him because she is living with him.

Mind you, she is not in a bed she has not been in a bed for several years she lives on motherfucking couch and the fact that he is taking advantage of her and can’t get his shit straight and especially cannot get a budget going as well as living in a luxury apartment which burns me but not in so much as the fact that I have to remove myself from it all

I’m going to let my second oldest brother deal with it because I don’t need these stressors... and of why can’t my older brother pay his bills? Why can’t my older brother not have anymore children when he knows he has an alcoholic wife who has blacked out and makes excuses and essentially does not watch her daughter?

I’m at the point of my growing and learning that even though I do have the freedom and the choice to walk away anytime I want. I have the freedom to make boundaries whether it be distance or cutting through people out of my life. I now wonder if my sister-in-law‘s continue to make bonehead choices when it comes to their own children what is going to happen when I completely walk away?

It took the fact of my dad dying and my brother dying and therapy to come to the point in my life that even though they are family and even though I can love them at a distance it doesn’t necessarily mean I need them in my life. I may be different than them and their life choices in their thinking and lifestyles but I think at the end of the day they know how to reach out to me

Fact of the matter is, it took me graduating from community college for them to come out and visit me. It took me having weight-loss surgery for my mom to come see me. But with that, she had asked me several times to visit me and even though she doesn’t drive and even though she has glaucoma and is blind I do not trust her to take a plane and having to rearrange my schedule to pick her up.

She doesn’t see it as how it affects me she just sees it as a vacation to get away from whatever hell she is currently in. Eventually came up and I told her how I felt and she made these promises that she’s not drinking but in reality alcoholism never dies. A Person can say they stop drinking but they don’t. They eventually slip back into their old ways.

She had asked many times before and my reasoning was she drinks and I do not feel like being a fucking babysitter and wondering if she’s drinking or if she’s OK going to the convenient store to buy cigarettes or if and when she goes to the convenient store while staying at my house is she also purchasing alcohol? I don’t know if it’s the reality of the situation or if it’s my anxiety going full force but the fact that I have to think of each scenario for what it’s worth.

I have to think that you know we could have a good time but the reality is show find a way to drink and in less she is willing to change my ideas of what I think a relationship is is a farce. It’s not fair that at 32 I still yearn for my mother‘s love. I yearn for her to stop drinking and to put me first. I yearn for her to stop smoking weed and to give me a phone call and the fact i’m saying this out loud is showing how dysfunctional my relationship is with my mother.

I have really tried minutes come to her. Sure I can try harder but at the end of the day she’s not going to change who she is. Sure, she is my mother and sure I love her but at the end of the day she is still an alcoholic with zero accountability for her actions and as selfish as it is I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I still I’m thinking of her at the second.

I think I’d love to hear her voice and I think I want to spend time with her but then once I do the reality hits me in my face and it’s you basically have to be her chauffeur and hold her hand. I hate how I have this idealic vision of what I want our relationship to be but then I look at the reality of it, and the reality is it’s so messy. The reality is how the fuck did I get here? I just truly wish things were different. I wish my dad was alive and he didn’t make the selfish choices but caused his death. I wish so many other things I just hope in my future I can go forward and I won’t look at the past and cry

I live in a sober house. I promised myself at the age of 15 that when I grew up and had house of my own and became married there wouldn’t be any alcohol. I think God up above for helping me choose a man who doesn’t drink and who is it addicted to Wheather it be alcohol or drugs or what have you

Today, in 2018 I still feel like I am a 15-year-old little girl in the eyes of my brothers. Maybe it was the way I was raised and maybe it’s because they’re men? but I still feel like I have no knowledge of anything when it comes to living.

It’s such a mindfuck when you realize you’re when your parents is dad and whatever he has left for you to clean up you have to pick up the pieces but in therapy I realize I can walk away. I don’t know if it’s the Catholic guilt or if it’s the guilt of my father dying and his selfish ways or if it’s the fact that he enabled my mother and she has no accountability of anything...

It’s just so strange to look back in the last six years and realize if it wasn’t for him dying and my brother shortly dying after my dad passed away I don’t think I would’ve grown up as fast as them living. I still miss my dad every single day and when I write that out my voice shakes when I said out loud my voice shakes because even though I know he’s dead and he’s not coming back and even though I still feel like I would give my life for him to come back I now realize in my stages of grief that I need to push forward and live a life that he would be proud of.

Seven years ago, I promised him I would make him proud. I started school from the very bottom of remedial classes and critical thinking classes and now I have so few little steps of getting my bachelors degree and a minor degree. Regret is such a bitch. I don’t wish it on anybody. Sure, I wish I can go back and fix things but I can’t look at the past and have this grief stricken regret in my heart. I’ve learned from my mistakes when it comes to my dad and spending time with him and I wouldn’t say I had to learn the hard way but I would say that nothing in our lives comes easy and with out hard work there really is no point in achieving anything.

I just hope I’m living a life my dad is proud of. I hope I’m living a life that my grandmother and grandfather are proud of. And I especially hope I’m living a life that makes my dog proud of me.