#god i love oversharing to strangers on the internet

[orchid-merryweather]

Good news chat my latest episode of probably-depression is overrrr

[44-mr-midnight-44]

Tell me how cool I am https://decomytree.com/home?hashedId=FblTFllLhH-E

Welcome to the Pinned Post

Things that will be in said pinned post you are reading now:

♡ Disclaimers/Important info (before the cut, please read immediately)

♡ About me (can't guarantee its length, I love talking about myself)

♡ DNI (well, more just "if you qualify for this I will block you")

♡ Boundaries (not including triggers, I'm too smart for that B))

♡ Other socials/blogs (can't guarantee I'm too active on all of them!)

♡ Tags (what I tag and how to follow it)

♡ Userboxes ('cos what good pinned post doesn't have 'em?)

DISCLAIMERS!!!

(Warning, I'm going to be uncharacteristically mean for some of these. I'm not usually this hostile! This is about as mean as I get, I'm just a little too passionate about some of these.)

-I do not respond to any asks asking me for anything and/or asking me to spread anything.

-I am insanely uncomfortable with Mias World. Please don't ask me why, all you need to know is that I had a horrible experience with the fandom and several bad people in my life exploited my bad experience with the fandom to hurt me. If you were previously a fan of it but don't consider yourself a big fan/in the fandom anymore, you may interact with thin ice. If your blog is themed around it/you're currently big into it, DNI.

-Please don't come here for fresh "cringe" or if you want amusement from my account. We don't have to fight. We could probably be friends! I consider myself someone who can be reasonable, I don't mind people who I don't agree with. I'm friends with many who I would put a strong block on if I could. I like to talk and engage with ideas. We don't have to fight. Maybe you just need the change in perspective I had.

-With that said, if you ship characters with an abusive dynamic (not enemies-to-lovers, realistically-depicted abuse) get out right now. The horrific things I went through at the hands of way too many people is not your cute little uwu yaoi dynamic.

-If your name is Dakota and you like Rayman, Popee the Performer, Happy Tree Friends, Don't Hug Me I'm Scared, are a MASSIVE pro-shipper, go to a therapy school that an ex-friend helped you get into that you cut off contact with for confronting you about you hurting them, then I absolutely, irreversibly, incomprehensibly HATE you and I want absolutely nothing to do with you ever again. You ruined everything yourself, you're not some sad fanfiction protagonist that everyone hurts. And for the record, you can't use incest to "cope" when you don't have siblings you complete moron. I hate you for so many reasons I couldn't fit them in ten Google docs.

*ahem*

Alrighty, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Learn about me under the cut!

About Me

Howdy! My name's AXYER. At least, that's what I prefer being called by strangers, that most likely include you!

I also go by the name's Heart and Axon, but those are more friendly names. Heart's kinda my internet name, as well as a name that just generally makes me happy, whilst Axon's reserved for close friends! If you'd like to be formal, call me Mr. Midnight.

I am someone who is best described as a cartoon villain that must be someone's OC with how chaotic and unfun life is for me often. Really, I go through a hailstorm everyday! I like to think it builds character though. My life being so cartoonishly bad probably means I'm one of God's favourites, eh?

I tend to overshare quite a bit, so do bear with me! If I mistakenly say something too serious in casual conversation, assume I'm still being casual and don't be afraid to joke around and be silly with my "serious" discussion. I really mean that! Humour makes me happy, especially silly playful bullying, and if I actually needed to vent I would tell you beforehand.

I am also of the firm belief that kindness is best intended with no intent at all. I want to be a good person! I don't care for the reward of it, I just like being a good person and I just like making people happy. Nothing pleases me more than seeing other people smile because of what I did. I always try my best to engage with every infodump, and give as much feedback, comments, silly jokes and compliments I can! It really does suck when someone's clearly not interested in what you're saying, and I aspire to be a fun person to talk to!

Personal Information

Gender: Pangender (masculine-leaning, feminine-presenting)

Sexuality: Greyromantic-Panromantic Asexual (low libido, sex-indifferent in discussion sex-repulsed in activity)

Birthday: February 3rd

Religion: Buddhist, with a slight divergence in traditional Buddhist beliefs, as well as some vague Autotheistic and Pagan beliefs

Patron: It's very embarrassing so you'll have to wrestle it out of me

Height: 161 CM / 5'3"

Residence: Long Island, New York

Disorders: Cool Person Syndrome, comorbid with None of Your Business Disorder

Things I Like (structured most to least):

Hobbies: Maladaptive daydreaming, socialising, walking, writing (namely fanfiction but I love all forms of writing), coding HTML, moodboards, drawing, sleeping, comforting others, housework

Interests: Writing (characters, worldbuilding, story analysis, lyricism), psychology (most namely trauma responses), crossover AUs, butlery, ecology (namely biomes), Iceland, zoology, sociology, aesthetics, astronomy, trains

Fandoms (Primary): Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium (primary hyperfixation), Whump, Smiling Critters, Rain World, Animator Vs. Animation, My Little Pony, FNaF, Undertale + Underverse/Undertale AUs, SCP

Fandoms (Secondary): Subnautica, Earthbound/Mother, My Little Pony: The Mentally Advanced Series/Rainbow Dash Presents, Dungeons & Dragons, Bo Burnham, Ultimate Chicken Horse, Rick and Morty, Hollow Knight, Gravity Falls, ENA, Pokémon, Bendy and the Ink Machine, Cuphead, Centaurworld, Five Nights at Candy's, Happy Tree Friends, Don't Starve, Hateful Wonderland, World of None, Warriors, OK K.O!, BoJack Horseman, Tuca & Bertie, Tally Hall/Hawaii pt II, Steven Universe, Skylanders, Octonauts, Digimon, Phighting!

Interests (favourites):

Food: Lava cake with vanilla ice cream

Drink: Brownie milkshake

Colour: Has to be a colour combo for me, otherwise it's just bland. For combo, it would have to be light purple and black.

Animal: Chickens and sheep

Season: Winter

Month: December

TV Show: Centaurworld

Video Game: Ultimate Chicken Horse

Movie: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Person: @nkgrimmie

Weather: Blizzarding

Clothes: Long-sleeve pyjamas, either two-pieces or nightgowns

Character: The Heart - Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium

Song: It fluctuates a lot, but the one I always say is Good Day - Chonny Jash

Genre: A three-way tie between Supernatural Slice-of-Life, Psychological Drama, and modern Urban Fantasy

UN-Interests (least favourites):

Food: Guacamole

Drink: Tomato juice

Colour: Hot pink

Animal: Muskdeer

Season: Summer

Month: July

TV Show: Any anime

Video Game: Danganronpa

Movie: Spiderman: No Way Home

Person: @nkgrimmie

Weather: Heatwave

Clothes: Shorts

Character: I honestly can't think of one, most of the weird least favourites thus far have actual really specific reasons but I can't differentiate petty dislikes and genuine dislikes well enough 😭😭😭😭

Song: I Bet on Losing Dogs - Mitski

Genre: Most Horror and Action

Kintypes

High:

The Heart - Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium

The Robber - Ain't no Rest for the Wicked - Chonny Jash

Villain - Archetype

Medium:

Grimmchild - Hollow Knight

Glorified Stick Figure - Fictotherian

Id Forest Volunteer - Archetype

Low:

Simon - Hawaii Pt ii

Blitzen - Santa's Reindeer

Copinglinks:

SCP-682 - SCP

The Mangle - FNaF

Synpaths: (oh boy)

Ffionn M. Fox - Still Here - Hateful Wonderland

Kickin Chicken - Smiling Critters - Poppy Playtime

Beelzebub - Helluva Boss

The Vinki - Rain World

victim - Animator Vs. Animation - Fanon

Mackenzie - Bluey

Horse - Centaurworld

Fink - OK K.O!

Batty - Ferngully and the Last Rainforest

Pink Pearl - Steven Universe

DNI

As previously mentioned, this is more of a "if you're blocked this is probably why". Sometimes I block just if you make me uncomfy though, no hard feelings!!!

-If I believe you are racist, transphobic, sexist, albeist, sanist, LGBTQ+phobic, religiophobic, or generally bigoted

-Zionist

-TERF

-Pro-shipper/Com-shipper/Dark-shipper/whatever they wanna be called

-Romanticise/fetishise/appropriate mental illness and/or certain forms of trauma

-Jash-shipper (don't you think it's kinda extremely weird to ship someone's ventsonas together?)

-Artimonk, Gourmonk, Survmonk, Moonstone, or slugcat x iterator shippers

-Shippers of the sad tie stick figure and the black winged red tendril stick figure. It is incredibly obvious if you know what I'm talking about. You are an absolutely disgusting person and I want nothing to do with you.

-"Syscourse"-debaters

-Political blogs

-People who love to argue/"take no BS"/"cluck around and find out"/"I don't care about you or your feelings <3" people

-People who frequently make arson jokes (for an incredibly personal reason, but it doesn't help that unoriginal + constantly repeated jokes bother me a lot to begin with)

-Cringe culture enthusiasts

-People who police around what counts as trauma/what counts as triggers

-If dark humour/more "vicious" playful bullying bothers you (just for your own comfort)

-People who unironically call people "snowflakes" or "sensitive" (the secondhand embarrassment would make most prefer to go to a TED Talk hosted by an eldritch horror)

-If your CCCC AU is centred around DID/OSDD (see: Boundaries)

Boundaries

-Please, PLEASE do not talk to me about DID/OSDD-1. PLEASE. There is NO winning on that debate on Tumblr, let alone social media in-general. You could round up a thousand people on Tumblr and ask them the same ten questions about the disorder and absolutely none of them would be the same. People with DID/OSDD-1 can interact obviously (I'm not sanist) but don't rope me into any discussion on it, it's a gamble I'm not willing to take. Full disclosure, yes, I think it's a read disorder, and yes, r/fakedisordercringe and r/systemscringe are full of hypocritical cucks. I have nothing against DID/OSDD the disorder itself just the insane amount of disagreements and arguments about it that I just do not wish to get roped into.

-Similarly, but not for the reason you expect, don't compare Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium to DID/OSDD around me. Some… let's just say not very lovely people from my past were fond of that headcanon and posted about it a lot, and as a result it reminds me of said unsavoury people. I don't personally care about whatever and whoever you headcanon with whatever brain not-so-goodies, but that headcanon in-particular makes me extremely uncomfortable because of said un-lovely folks.

-I will ALWAYS be polite to people I am directly interacting with (maybe I'll reblog something with a not-so-nice tag but it won't be targeted at anyone specific) and I absolutely hate arguing with people. Even if you really, really don't like somebody, do not expect me to be upfront mean to them even if we are already close. It takes a lot to get me to be cross for more than a few days, so generally this won't happen with friends either. Please do not rope me into any drama you may be in.

-Please, PLEASE for the love of all things holy ask before venting to me. I am NOT always in a good headspace and often times I get extremely uncomfortable if I'm not prepared. I love consoling people, don't get me wrong, but I have to be in a good headspace first. If you vent to me without asking, you will probably only feel worse because I will probably upfront tell you not to do that instead of comforting you.

-Do not vaguepost about me. I will block you. If you have a problem with me, DM me and we will figure it out. That is incredibly disrespectful and I'm not going to do nothing and watch your followers bash me. Be respectful, for the love of all things holy.

-Please don't make comments about how "incomprehensible" my artstyle is. I know that. People tell me it enough. I'm trying to fix it.

-Don't call me a hypocrite.

Other Socials/Blogs

Socials

Bluesky - @heartchonnyjash

TikTok (Main) - @theheartfromchonnyjash / TikTok (Kin) - @burnofemotion

AO3 - @AXYER

PillowFort - @TheHeartAcoustic

Blogs

Fictionkin Blog - @thehearteccentric

Hero-Villain/Whump Blog - @elsewherereflective (trying to fix the link, bare with me)

Tags

Userboxes

[f0point5]

People oversharing on the internet has become such a HUGE issue imo. They feel the need to share everything to an audience full of strangers. I miss the days when social media and private life were actually separated because nowadays it seems like it’s all blended together. Might as well take the word ”privacy“ out of the dictionary because it doesn’t exist anymore. And for them to go and post something like that ?!? The tweet just casually trauma dumping to strangers and the worst part is they’re all eating it up ? The comments be like: ”I’m so sorry for you, I totally get your disappointment in him“ or ”I’m with you you’re not alone, we got each other during this disappointing time” like wow. Are you guys mental ?!? What’s going on 😭 I think a lot of fans (and idc if this upsets anyone) are way too caught up in the drivers personal life and the whole WAG thing which also leads to women who are fans of the actual racing to not be taken seriously. There I said it. I see tiktoks or tweets saying: me in the garage of McLaren watching Lando race as his wag- Girl you won’t ever be a ”WAG” 😭 this obsession with the drivers love life and ”WAGs” needs to end because it’s concerning. Are you watching F1 because you like the sport or are you just constantly imagining yourself in the paddock as a drivers girlfriend and just stick around for the racing because you got nothing better to do ? No wonder people claim that women only watch to thirst over the men when that’s 70% of F1 content online posted by women.

Alsoooo the ones that go around saying things like ”women aren’t respected in motorsports” and ”there’s so much sexism coming from these rich men” are the same ones that go ahead and say shit like: ”I want his babies“ and even worse stuff under a drivers post ?!? How is that not bad as well? That’s just as disrespectful.

Yeah, my god. When we said “be open about your mental health” we meant with friends and family not the world at large. The notion that sharing your daily experiences with the world is helpful to anyone really needs to die.

I have no words for those unhinged individuals sharing their trauma as a reason why Lando Norris (complete stranger) owes them something. Literally no words I’m the vocabulary to adequately articulate my revulsion.

People can like the sport or the drivers for whatever reason they want but the parasocial has gone too far for some of these people. I really can see why people are in so many unhappy relationships, because if you can delude yourself into thinking a person you’ve never even met will conform to your fantasy (which let me tell you is problematic in itself because these fantasies are always just someone who mirrors their every thought.), I guess you can project reasoning into real people who treat you like crap. Rip to all the real mean out there competing with delusion the way women compete with p*rn stars 😂

Yeah the “rich men” trope to explain behaviour makes me laugh. As if middle class or working class men have different opinions. I know y’all would like to put these drivers in some otherworldly category where you don’t have to confront the fact that they’re just ordinary people getting on with their lives the same way your boyfriend, friend, brother, and dad likely would in their position, but that’s still delusional thinking. You think only rich men ignore issues that don’t affect them? The entirety of the middle class is rioting in the streets, baying for whatever cause has got your knickers in a twist today, and it’s only the rich men getting on with their lives? Give me a break 🙄

[stellarboystyles]

Chapter One — Begin Again

a/n: hiii chickens! so this is the start of a chaptered fic i've written over the past six months and she's finally ready! this story was very fun and painful to write because it's based off of the whirlwind that has been my life over the past year, so i hope you love it &lt;3

content/warnings: first base shit, oversharing and a night full of wholesome cuteness. you're welcome

"Do you remember the night we met?"

A sweet smile crept up onto her face, one she couldn’t hide, but tried to as she took another sip from the glass she was holding. 

"I do."

"Ooh, haven't heard those words in a while."

"Shut up." she laughs.

"Oi, fuck you then." he bites, failing to hide the smirk on his face behind his own glass.

"Please?"

"Easy." he warns with one finger. "Don't make me come over there."

It was easy with them, the connection they had. They've always been that way.

"Best first date ever though, right?"

"Right." she giggles at the smirk on his face before taking another sip.

"No matter how much I forget short term," he narrows, rolling his eyes for a moment at the annoying reality. "I still remember that night like it was yesterday."

March 2nd, 2019

"I can’t believe I’m doing this."

Parker's gripping her steering wheel, white knuckles and all after she rushes through the motions; putting her seatbelt on, shifting into reverse, all the while genuinely shocked by her own actions, that she’s actually going through with this. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

She repeated the same sentence over and over as she sped off down the street and into the city. It was her first first date in five years. How people do this on a regular basis, she truly can't fathom how. Who just meets up with a stranger on the internet after texting for a few days?! Parker, apparently. She's starting to question her own morals, because where did they go?

She was always the quiet kid in school. Kept her head down, never spoke out of turn and always avoided unnecessary social situations. It's more of a curse that a blessing, really. Considering it takes a lot for her to speak out against anything came with everyone else typically leaving her alone for the most part. On the other hand, as she got older she realized that it sucked to feel lonely. No matter how introverted she was, everyone wants friends. Parker grew up in a small town where if you weren't an athlete or a mean girl, no one really paid attention to you—and when they did, they never had anything nice to say. High school sucks for most of us, and she was no exception.

In other words, if you told seventeen-year-old Parker that she'd be going on a date with a stranger she's never met, she would've never believed you.

She's grown up a lot since then, though, and she's proud of that. It took years, but healing doesn't come easy. And right now, Parker was in the middle of that moment that everyone talks about.

Where you finally feel like you're ready to date again. When you've finally broken the walls down, ready to put yourself out there and see what happens.

She had a good feeling about this guy—if not she would've canceled days ago. Parker doesn't go on random dates, and if there is so much as a sliver of doubt, whether it's something they said or she's just getting an off vibe, date canceled. No energy needs to be spent on unnecessary ventures, right?

But this one felt different. She couldn't explain it...she'd never met him but she could feel in her heart that he was a good person. Sure, they've only been talking for a few days, but something about him just felt good, and right. When he talked, you could just tell he was good.

They'd "met" online, the god-forsaken dating app that most people used for casual flings or random hookups; however, they were part of the fraction of decent human beings left in the world looking for something real, and long term. To no avail of course (until now) swiping left, left and left again was exhausting. Until she saw one that piqued her interest in a way that just felt different. Of course, there were a few she’d matched with, but they never made it past hey or what's up due to either her being distracted by this one, or the typical outcome of them just not responding. Leading her to become bored of the rest. 

Harry, 20 Raleigh, NC Duke University

Not to be cliche, but to say this one was gorgeous was the understatement of the year. The goofy videos on his profile combined with the "I have a Damon Salvatore complex" in his bio definitely had her starting to crush on him.

What’s your major? was met with It’s complicated. That’s a conversation we should have on snap (:

He was really cute, no doubt about it. He had that all-American baby face, good hair—

and those eyes, my God.

It's important to mention, though, that if he was simply looks and there was no substance to him then there would've been a zero percent chance of her falling for him like she did. But there were little things that set him apart from others.

He sent her videos a lot instead of just snapping pictures, because honestly, talking is a way better form of communication. It was different and it was clear that he really tried to make each moment with her special. He'd cancelled their first date a couple of times (due to running behind because of one of his classes getting out late) and he'd told her he wanted to be able to give her all his time and attention. Which, was one of the sweetest things ever. It gave her a good feeling about tonight, for sure.

In the first video he sent to her that night, he started to explain how he was dropping out of college to go into the military, and eventually he would become an agent. She was impressed. Mostly because of the fact that he had real goals and dreams for himself, his future; something that a lot of people their age seemed to lack; drive and ambition. However, being a Virgo, she couldn't stop herself from picturing her future if they ended up together.

The CIA? What would that mean? Long distance, for sure. There was so much unknown, and Parker was slowly coming to terms with the solid fact that you can't control every part of your life. It didn't help either that her neurodivergent brain hated change, especially one so drastic. Regardless, she had to learn how to cope with this new chapter of her life. You could imagine that being newly single at 24 was not in her 5-year plan after college.

Parker's well aware of the fact that the current state of her life feels and looks just like a shitty Hallmark movie. The thought makes her want to gag, but that's what coping skills are for, right? So you're not cringing at every inconvenience at every moment? If there's one thing you need to know about Parker, it's that she hates small talk with a burning passion. If she could damn the mere idea of it back to hell, she would, because how could anyone enjoy that?! It's the number one reason she dreads first dates.

The further she got into her drive, the more nerves started to build up. Mistaking anxiety for butterflies was a feeling Parker knew all too well. Her past few boyfriends weren't exactly Romeo, so she was well versed in spotting a toxic person from a mile away.

However, with that came something more edgy. The sole idea of dating again petrified her. Getting close to someone again, being vulnerable and real just to get heartbroken again? The mere thought of it was enough to make her swear off dating ever again, but she told herself she wouldn't let it win, and she meant it.

Deep breaths. Whatever happens, happens.

It's easy to say, but as much of a control freak as Parker is over her life, so much easier said than done. She's had a 10-year plan outlined for her life since she was six years old, for Christ's sake. But that's another story for another time.

They'd decided to meet up in a parking lot, then they would both get into his car and go together. So when her peripheral picked up a car pulling up next to hers, she thought her heart wanted to beat out of her chest. It’s him, she knows it’s him, but she doesn’t react yet. Still staring down at her phone just in case it was some random person, even though the probability of that was less than likely. But if it was, how awkward would that be?!

Snapchat from Harry

She has to stop the smile creeping on her face. Now it has to be him. It was, because when she opened the snap and it was a picture of her in her car looking down at her phone, she's got a light smile on her face as she gets out of the car and walks around to the passenger's side. Moments like this happen so fast, you can't really plan for them, can you??

"That would’ve been really awkward if that wasn’t you."

They shared a laugh as she got into the car.

"So…Starbucks or Dunkin?"

"Definitely Starbucks."

"Y'know what, I respect that."

The more they talked as he drove, the more Parker realized Harry had something that was hard to find these days; that old school charm. Opening doors and all that. As soon as they walked in, Harry leaned down to her ear.

"M'gonna take a slight detour," he mumbles, one hand slipping from her waist. "Gotta pee, I'll be right back."

She looks up at him. "Do you want me to order yours?"

"Oh, no, it's ok." he assures. "I mobile ordered, I don't order in person...I'll be right back."

She didn't really have time to respond, which was probably intentional on Harry's part. On another note, how and why has she never thought of doing that?!

"Hey—"

The voice made her reluctant to turn around, because she knew it wasn't Harry.

"Is that your boyfriend?"

He was taller than her, dark hair. Nothing to write home about, but it was obvious he was trying to be semi-intimidating. She gives him an annoyed smile.

"We're on a date."

"Oh, gotcha." He nods and goes to turn around but stops. "You know he's not allowed to go on dates, right?"

"What?"

She can see Harry in her peripheral walking back towards them, thank God.

"I'm back." he turns to the guy that was talking to her, but he's already sitting back in his seat across the cafe. "What was that about?"

"Something about you not being allowed to go on dates?" she answers before thanks the barista for their drinks as they’re walking back out to his car.

"Yeah," he starts, pulling his safety belt. "We go to college together. And we're not allowed to date anyone, or like be seen out with a girl, y'know. At our school, I mean."

She nods in realization when he cuts in.

"But tomorrow's my last day, so I don't care."

He shifts the car into reverse. She almost forgot about the fact that his leaving, so really, it doesn't matter if they were seen together but Harry did a good job of easing any anxiety she could have about the possibility of getting him in trouble.

"I'll take you to my favorite spot." he mentions. “It’s a really good view.”

The drive was only a few minutes, but it felt longer. In a good way. He really wanted his hand to hold hers, but he was nervous. Little too soon too, right?

"You look really beautiful." he breathes. "I mean, you look amazing."

She bashfully thanks him, looking down at her knees while he's keeping himself from putting his hand on one of them.

"Okay," he sighs, trying to distract himself. "What music do you wanna to listen to?"

Of course, she gave him the typical response that the genre didn't matter. "It doesn't matter, anything."

"Really? 'Cause I don't think you'd like the music I listen to." he jokes.

She shakes her head dismissively in response to his satiricy. "It's fine."

"It's fine?" he teases, leaning into her as he starts messing with the aux. "I mean, it's kinda metal."

"Perfect."

He shows her two bands, and she recognizes both almost immediately.

"I grew up listening to this."

"Really?!"

"Yeah," she continues. "My dad loves rock music, we'd always listen to it when we were travelling."

"Did you travel a lot growing up?"

"Like vacations and stuff." she nods. “We used to live in the OBX.”

"Ah, gotcha." he nods before referring back to the previous conversation. "Yeah, I just went to one of their concerts, actually."

It was obvious that Harry was a passionate person; passionate about things he loved, like music. He was showing her concert videos on his phone and was telling her about the ideas and concepts behind each of his favorite bands.

"I love that...that's what makes big artists as successful as they are." she adds. "When you have something that sets you apart from everyone else."

He can't help himself, looking at her in pure disbelief for a moment before turning back, laying his head on his headrest. "You are the girl of my dreams, Parker Finn."

She lets out a giggle, rolling her eyes at the not-so-subtle remark at her Tinder bio.

girl of your dreams x

"How was your drive here, by the way?"

Okay, maybe she could tolerate some small talk...from certain people.

She also begrudgingly knows that you have to have some miniscule amount of small talk to get to know each other, so she allows it.

"It was good." she smiles. "I love driving, so--"

"Me too." he smiles. "In my hometown...I love just driving and listening to music."

"I do too!"

They quickly discovered there was a natural flow between them, something that you couldn't force. It was just there.

"So do you come to Raleigh a lot?"

Parker shakes her head. "I haven't been back in a long time."

"Well," he muses. "Today's your lucky day, because you have the best tour guide."

He leans into her, pointing at different buildings and what they are. Where he goes to school, where he used to work, stadiums and others similar.

"That’s where I went to school…that’s where I used to work, and that—" he points over to the far right. "Is the best stadium in the world."

she nods. "Home of the Blue Devils."

"Exactly." he looks at her with a narrowed eye. "Y'know, I love a girl who knows sports."

"Well that is where I went to school." she mentions.

"Ah, okay. So you're not really into football."

Guess it's your lucky day."

He chuckles in disbelief. Not only is she breathtaking...he couldn't really explain it yet. He'd only just met her, but there was just something about her. Whether it was the way the moonlight glows on her face, or the way her cheeky smile gave him butterflies, he was hooked.

"So what made you want to join the military?"

He lets out a heavy sigh, running his fingers through his hair. "Well,"

She notices his apprehension. "You don’t have to tell me—"

"No, no, it’s okay." he reassures. "Basically…I’m just not happy with the direction I was going, if I stayed at school."

"I hear that."

"It’s just…I just feel like I can do so much more, y’know? For the world."

"That’s how I feel a lot." she adds. "I always think, like…if I can help just one person feel like they’re not alone, or help them get through a hard time, then I’ve done my job—but if you can help more, and make a career out of it, that’s amazing."

"Do you ever get sick of your job?"

"No." she lets a light laugh. "I love what I do. You just have to find something that you’re really passionate about."

"I love that." he hums. "I need that."

"It takes time." she adds. "At least it did for me, to get where I am now. Everyone has their thing. The thing they love. Not like a person or anything like that. It could be a hobby, something you're good at or just something you want to be good at."

"Are you doing that? You're a teacher, right? S'that what you wanna do for the rest of your life?"

"I love teaching." she admits. "But I have other passions, too."

"What are the other ones?"

She shrugs. "Guess you'll have to stick around and find out."

He catches himself staring at her in awe, but he couldn’t help himself. The high points of her face were glowing in the moonlight.

"Where did you come from?"

She turns her head, looking out at the skyline. She doesn't quite know what to say, and doesn't really have time. He places two fingers on the right side of her jaw, turning her head. She smiles out of knowing what he's doing, and her smile is contagious, leading him to quickly mirror her action.

He kisses her.

And in that moment, nothing else mattered, and everything made sense.

[eatanorange]

Berk. Berk. I JUST stopped sobbing bc I watched your recent tik tok poem about grief and Tuesdays, and now you’re here hammering in relatable acespec people can still have devoted relationship content because devotion is and can be sex for some people but it does not have to be.

So dear god I don’t believe in I know you help so many people with your words, earnesty, how freely you live in the eyes of the public and love doing so (living) but as someone who has followed these parts of your journey that you choose to share, someone who has experiences eerily similar in terms of grief, I am a stranger on the internet saying thank you for the impact that your authenticity has had on me, that somehow feels curated for me, personally (parasocial relationships and the commonality of human experiences lolol ammiright being a human is so silly and strange).

And as another acespec person, I am so, so proud of you for choosing love in its multitudes, for allowing it to have multitudes, and for trusting your husband to do the same.

And as an 'obligatory overshare' in turn bc autism, tumblr, laughing in the face of cringe etc etc; When my ex finally admitted they were leaving me, almost one month ago now, because they don't like the way I'm changing as a person, because they didn't like my definitions of devotion (which is their right and we're not bashing them here), because I didn't like the way they stayed stagnant to their detriment in all of our time together, I planted a dwarf sunflower seed to keep in the small pot on my windowsill. A classic metaphor, a common face to art.

But I am not here to ramble about changing or not changing, or how I planted the sunflower to remind myself that the 'small' act of watering still culminates to 'labors' of love (that is a reason why I did tho). I am here to tell you that I planted that sunflower to feel less alone in the multitudes of my grief, my anger, and my love. That I was convinced my room was too cold for anything to grow there. and so the feeling that fills my chest now when I look at the bud peeking through my blinds is akin to the feeling I have whenever I engage with your content.

So thank you, for sharing, and for representing what it means to honor your authenticity. For recognizing the choice in the pain of growing versus the pain of staying the same. For noticing that in safety there is growth, and cycle of both can ensue from there. If we let it.

I don’t think it’s right for you to be asexual and married. It just doesn’t seem fair to your husband. He didn’t sign up to be in a sexless marriage? How do you make sure his needs are still met?

i trapped him in a jar like he’s a little bug and i throw some non-sexual intimacy in every once and a while so he has enrichment in his enclosure

[silver-heller]

The "faker callout" culture I see in some plural spaces weirds me the Hell out, I'm not even gonna lie. In the best case scenario, you do indeed call out a faker and can have a good discussion about the issues with using plural experiences for clout. But, in the worst case scenario, you put someone down a spiral of denying their identity and experiences simply because you don't understand them. Sound familiar? Cause a lot of plural people feel that way thanks to singlets, we don't need to make each other feel that way too. The latter is more likely than you think, because we're all strangers on the internet and you can't know everything about someone based solely on their blog.

It's also so dangerous because systems typically work in different ways. There is a no "one size fits all" experience when it comes to systems or being plural. So people will lose their marbles at things plenty of other systems experience, just not theirs. So many people feel they can't talk about certain alters or experiences because they don't fit into the most well known plural experiences. It is best to just block and move on instead of harassing someone.

Like, a phrase I often see being thrown around is "all alters in a system serve a purpose, so if they don't serve a purpose, they're not an alter". I'm sorry, but not all systems view themselves as roles and functions. Hell, some even stop viewing themselves that way because it benefits them and their system to stop doing so. Again, one size does not fit all! I could not tell you the purpose of any of my alters, because I look at their personality and experiences first and foremost to ensure everyone in my system is comfortable. It works for me, might not work for others, and that's fine. Also, just because it is normalized to poke and prod at systems does not mean it should be. It is ultimately none of your business when an alter forms, why an alter forms, etc. Being plural yourself does not exempt you from contributing to the idea that plural individuals must overshare to be valid.

Also, some of y'all need to be normal about the fact not everyone views being plural through a medical lens. Some people view it through a spiritual lens, for instance, and they deserve the right to view their own plurality however they want. Your cultural understanding of being plural is also not a one size fits all thing. And for the love of God just because you take being plural as this super serious, depressing thing, does not mean other plural people need to as well! You can view your plurality however you want, but please stop normalizing that plural individuals who love being plural are wrong.

Anyways, happy Thanksgiving FHFHFHF.

[klavery]

ok ive alluded 2 this b4 and i wanted 2 talk abt it 4 ace week so if anyones just dying 2 get in on an internet strangers Dramatic Queer Backstory im ready to overshare. its about my history with sex negativity and how its affected me.

so i grew up with an lgbt+ irl friend group of about 7 years. it sounds totally fake but for the love of god just trust me on this. Friend A was your typical anti-aspec, anti-mogai, anti-kink exclusionist with internalized homophobia and Friend B was a sex repulsed asexual. these two people were my best friends, we were all nd, we all liked fandom stuff, and we all found out we were lgbt+ together.

now with that context in mind, im letting you know right now that our relationship with eachother as lgbt+ people was utter hell. we werent CONSTANTLY at eachothers throats, but there had always been an air of uneasiness any time any topics about our identities or lgbt "issues" were brought up. there was no solidarity, and any support for eachother had always been one-sided. when tolerance HAD failed us, it resulted in arguments and shade-throwing. and it was all fueled by tumblr funnieman internet discourse brain poison. i was unable to feel pride within the presence of these two people, and the damage this did to me as an aspec person alone is a post all on its own.

these two friends, as you can imagine, were also very sex negative people. as was i. for me it was from a weird mixture of repulsion, and repression. but the nuances of my mess of an identity is, again, an essay for another time. but anyways, my own issues combined with both Friend A's internalized homophobia and Friend B's repulsion lead to us being neck deep in a miserable cycle of both sex and kink shaming, of either people we knew or people on the internet, amongst ourselves (i guess this was the one thing we could all agree on. isnt that just swell). this had been disastrous for my self esteem as someone who, later realized, wasnt "as asexual" as they thought, for lack of a better phrase.

i cant begin to describe how psychologically damaged this behavior has left me. to be stuck in such a toxic, harmful mindset during such a crucial period of development, between the ages of 13-20 years old. that i still struggle immensely to unlearn. it feels permanently ingrained in my subconscious, its just completely automatic to react with disgust or anger towards anything sexual. i always thought myself to be the perverted freak of the group, because of what i only relatively recently realized was actually normal human behavior all along. but the guilt of simply having any sexual thought continues to eat me alive to this day. and i must reiterate, the shaming wasnt just from my friends. i take just as much responsibility for the harm i caused. and i dont doubt my old friends are also just as fucked up from it as i am. i dont want to blame them for what happened. there is a part of me that wants to be angry, but thats mostly at the exclusionist shit. which i, big shocker, also had a hand in as well. funny how that works. its just. sad it had to be this way. this month is the 4 year mark of when i finally stopped talking to them for good. and i can only hope theyve grown up and gotten better.

[tired-bisexual-brainrot]

shitting crying screaming shaking throwing up i was just outed to my conservative christian parents. i will never emotionally recover from this and will be making jokes to cope 🤪

[marcusbrutus]

Honestly it worries me how chronically online most teenagers are, and I’m saying this as a former teenager who was chronically online. But it feels worse now, especially with tiktok (which didn’t come on the scene until college).

Anyway here are some things that aren’t normal:

-Cancel culture specifically in relation to non-famous individuals. If you express an unpopular opinion, or think or act outside the norm, you shouldn’t have to fear all of your friends (both online and off) will leave you. You shouldn’t have to fear being doxxed. You shouldn’t have to fear a long callout post being made about you by people who are supposed to be your friends because you made a poorly thought out joke on Twitter.

-Believing everything you read online. This is so harmful, especially in this age of misinfo. Even if millions of people might believe something, that doesn’t make it true. If something feels wrong, even if all of your friends believe it, keep digging at it. Pull at that string until it all falls apart. Find the truth, no matter the cost. A painful truth will always be more important than a comfy lie.

-FUCKING. ADS. EVERYWHERE. It’s not normal to be advertised to 24/7 and it’s literally driving me crazy. I know this isn’t something you can control, as even going outside will make you subject to ads. But you can at least reduce the ads you see by installing ad blockers, as well as taking time away from the internet.

-Your phone and your apps spying on you. This isn’t normal, and when this first came to light in 2014 or so it was a huge deal. Most people will say “you shouldn’t worry about it if you have nothing to hide” but that’s bull. Everyone has the right to privacy.

-Speaking of privacy, it’s not normal to share everything about your life online. It’s not normal to introduce yourself in an new discord server with your history of mental illness. Imagine if you did this irl. Imagine if you went to a party and met someone cool and the first thing you did was state your name, your gender and sexuality, your mental illnesses, your triggers, etc. Your name and pronouns is one thing but all that other stuff is wayyy too much information to be giving a stranger, and when you post all that stuff online you’re basically broadcasting all of that stuff to millions of strangers online.

-Oversharing anything online is also bad. I get that people agreeing with you gives you a rush of dopamine but sometimes you just need to keep things to yourself. Keep a diary instead.

-Scrolling 8 hours a day is so so so bad for your mental health. Please for the love of god get a hobby. Make art. Play minecraft. Read a book. You can post your progress online but you only have 24 hours in a day, please don’t waste 1/3 of it mindlessly scrolling.

Fee free to add to this but tldr: get a hobby, remember privacy is a right.

[aching-tummies]

Respect other’s right to be cautious

To piggy-back on the reblog I just did of the "Pro-Tip: Don't send unsolicited private messages to kink blogs":

I've honestly lost count of the number of people on the internet that are angry with me for referring to 'us' as "internet strangers (to each other)".

The points I have to make time and again include (but aren't limited to):

1) Just because you're 100% okay with sharing details like what city you live in or how many people are in your family or where you work--it does NOT mean that anyone else is obligated to share the same information with you on the internet. Your choice to be honest has no bearing whatsoever on their choice to keep that information private. They aren't being 'rude', they're being cautious. Respect their right to be cautious.

2) We have no way of knowing whom is on the other end of the screen. Those 100% honest details mentioned above could be a lie for all I know. It's 100% possible that the person on the other end has malicious intent and is trying to "trade" personal details in order to commit identity theft or to track someone down or whatever. You know you're honest and all...but the person on the other end has no idea. They have every right to be cautious--respect their right to be cautious.

3) The number of internet interactions we have had does not equate to friendship. We may have good conversations and I'm grateful for the quality conversations I have had with people. However, having interacted with your username for months or even years does not mean that we're BFFs. You're not entitled to my real name or my location or to know what's new in my life just because we've had some good conversations online. It's a familiar username and we've had some lovely conversations, but we still need to respect each other's right to be cautious on the internet.

4) For the love of God, don't overshare to internet strangers. I didn't sign up to be anyone's agony aunt or therapist. I am not down to hear about someone's angsty teen years and the issues they're still hung up on from those times or about how they've got a mood disorder or whatever and how my answering of their asks or whatever makes them feel better(true story). You wanna share and need someone to vent to? There are resources for that. Find a therapist or give it to a blog that openly advertises that they're 100% okay with hearing about that sort of stuff. I don't want to be rude and say "I don't care", but it's none of my business and it's not something I'm interested in hearing or getting involved in. Your choice to share/overshare is your business...but please respect my right to be cautious on the internet.

5) Conversations end and that is okay. If someone hasn't responded to your last message then it's totally fine to let the conversation end and wait for the next time everyone involved wants to chat. Not all conversations have to end with a clear, "talk to you next time" or whatever. Sometimes there just isn't anything to talk about or the last thing is phrased in a way that makes it difficult to respond to. Everyone's got lives to live. If the other party didn't respond to your last message and they aren't initiating a new topic or whatever, it's fine to just walk away. That's probably what they did anyway. Personally, I find it more awkward and cringe-y when someone can't seem to take the hint and flounders for anything at all to talk about. They start asking really random or generic questions and it really feels like they're putting the onus on me to keep the conversation going. It's not my job to entertain someone. I've got other things to do and I really hate it when a conversation partner appears to be floundering for any reason at all to keep me on the line with them when there's no longer anything to talk about.

A lot of this boils down to: Respect everyone's right to be cautious on the internet. Everyone here has the right to decide whom or what they want to give their attention to. And everyone has a right to keep their private lives and personal details private. One’s choice to share or not has no influence on someone’s choice. If you can’t respect that, you aren’t mature enough to be socializing on the internet. 

[jomnki]

hey! are you stalking me? are you for tons of oversharing from a stranger on the internet? well do i have the perfect list for you my buddy. maybe ill give you my address next ohh boy, wouldn't that be funny. i just like listing and sorting things.

☄️constant fixation

🌞love

☀️past love

🌤️obsessed on one character specifically (blorboised)

🌠nostalgic

☁️enjoys casually

🌩️made ocs for

-(tip: a lone ☀️ means a long gone interest i no longer feel much for)

-(repeats in different lists means that the interest has a comic/show adaptation that ive consumed and like a lot!)

creator based content

scp universe 🌞

aphmaus mystreet and other rp series ☀️☁️🌩️🌠

nijisanji vtubers ☀️

tma ☁️

hermitcraft ☁️

games/franchises

pokemon (mainline and sideline games) ☄️🌞🌩️🌠

omori 🌞

ace attorney series 🌞🌤️

fe3h (just the one game) 🌞🌤️

sonic (lore>games) ☀️🌤️🌩️☁️🌠

danganronpa ☀️🌤️☁️

fnaf ☀️🌤️🌩️🌠

persona 3-5 ☀️☁️

animal jam 🌞🌩️🌠

furby ☁️

minecraft ☁️🌩️

digimon ☁️

yakuza series ☁️

animal crossing ☁️

strawdew valley ☁️

cookie run kingdom ☁️

legend of zelda ☁️🌤️

deltarune ☁️

undertale ☀️🌠

moshi monsters ☀️🌤️🌠

faith ☁️

cotl ☁️

inscription ☁️

hypnospace outlaw ☁️

shows/ their respective comics

case closed 🌞🌠

(fei ren zai) 非人哉 🌞

开心超人联盟 (happy heroes) ☀️☁️🌠

take my brother away (快吧我哥带走）🌞🌠

saiki kusuo 🌞

mob psycho 100 ☁️

card captor sakura ☁️

trigun ☁️

barakamon ☁️

chainsaw man ☁️

nozaki sensai ☁️

toh ☁️

kaguya sama love is war ☁️

miraculous ladybug ☁️

recovery of an mmo junkie ☁️

tawog ☁️

spy x family ☁️

welcome to demon school iruma ☁️

peepoodo ☁️

gintama ☁️

full metal alchemist ☁️

hunter x hunter ☁️🌞

hetalia (sorry) 🌠

su ☀️🌠

fairy tail ☀️🌠

mha ☀️

ouran highschool host club 🌠

comics /novels

oh holy! 🌞

junji ito's works 🌞

lookism ☁️

youtsuba&! ☁️

heaven's official blessing 🌞

(硬核一中) ☁️

(快吧我哥带走) 🌞🌠

(头条都是他) 🌞

(非人哉) 🌞

(小心被梦魔吃掉哦) ☁️ uhm.

(别对我表白) ☁️

(她们的故事) ☁️ girl likes girl they kiss

omniscient reader's viewpoint ☁️

fanmade creations i like

kings maker ☁️

rusty pectorior ☁️ fanfic centered on notyx and psyborg, felt like i was watching an entire show

in which sunny can't name things ☁️ textfic based post true ending omori. they're just being silly and goofy.

stuff im kind of interested in learning more about

splatoon

unrelated general hobbies and likes

🍰drawing, sculpting, animating, writing- just making stuff in general

🎾i love seeing people be unapologetically cringe. i love your sans au where he's god go you.

🥩 kidcore, horror, primary colours, horror, sunflowers, retro, soft sunshine

🐙 paleontology, anthropology, history, biology, learning about as much stuff as i can and being annoying about it

🍨thrifted items, collecting, trinkets, wonky toys with the felt and plastic, plushies of many shapes and sizes preferably not full of fur, erasers, stickers, magnets, badges, keychains

🥞sorting things out by different categories, the rough texture of a washed hung out and dried towel, rain, cold weather, the blanket ive used for ages, organising belongings, playlist of animation memes and songs i play while i run around pretending in my head that im super awesome, running around without said playlist, going through old stuff

🍄the video game grinding, hoarding and organising in games, strategy games, bullet hells, rpgs

🍮 my boy, dogs n cats n rats, reptiles, birds, t-rex, dragons, animals I love animals

🍩 burgers, small bits of shredded chicken, apples, round grapes, cold cereal with plain cereal and granola, fruit juice, red roasted beef noodles

🥑 whatever music i can imagine my funny oh cees move to

✖️ hot weather die die die, the feeling of hair tickling my face, smell of my own sweat, nose itchy sneezy makes me want to kill, oily textures, my nails against the plaster wall, the plaster wall itself, the feeling of certain pens against paper, not having something to chew on, running around when i trip on something invisible and give myself the third bruise that week, hair going karen mode, remembering names and numbers,

the blorbos (not ordered)

dimitri fire emblem. i love depressed traumatised men that can kill me.

herlock strangler

cait sith meow

kiibo drv3 is my son in law

i desire bowser carnally.

yoshi is my other son in law.

the dogs from sanrio. all of them

the dawg. you know the one.

[ghostiewriter]

Hey, bestie! Not ship/fandom related, so if you dont want to answer it, it s understandable. But i was wondering, how you have been holding up mentally and psychologically with the pandemic so far?

OH HI BESTIE😂okay wow heavy question lol but alas why not overshare to strangers on the internet, am I right? Who better to listen🌚putting a wee read more thingy cause I don’t wanna clog up people’s dashboards ahisshsvdsb

Honestly, I’m glad enough that my family and friends have stayed healthy and well throughout the pandemic and we haven’t lost people like I know many families have suffered. I know some others haven’t been as lucky and honestly it’s heartbreaking to even think about❤️

Uhhh in terms of mentally and physiologically?🤡oh bestie cannot say I have done well in that sense. I went through two of the most important years of my high school education in lockdown and it fucking sucked ass. Nobody was prepared for the shit show Covid brought down on us but god the schools were just shocking and it felt like at times they didn’t mind things slipping even if it was at our expense?

I really struggled with online school and it really fucked my grades over, which kinda sucks when you’re a person who puts all your purpose and worth on academic achievements, ya know? It was just extremely shitty because I had set goals for what I wanted to do after school and the next thing I know I’ve been rejected from all my unis and the exams are cancelled and the school are using shitty class tests to determine our grades? Not exactly a great feeling. And I think my parents just didn’t know how to handle it either and taking a gap year or going to college just made their desi brains go “FAILURE! DISAPPOINTMENT!” cause that’s unfortunately how it usually is in our culture.

But I think the pandemic did make me sit back and be like “oh shit you need to do something about this” and so I did have a moment of venturing into some medical help for my mental health because let’s be real, the pandemic stirred that shit up in the worst way possible. And I got an official diagnosis of anxiety and depression, rather than just anxiety which was what I thought it was💀uhh tried some medications, they were shite but hey ho, so were the GPs so we are kinda just…ignoring that for the time being

I did put a lot of self-worth on the uni and grade situation, and honestly it made me feel so fucking shit about myself. I was dealing with my parents saying things about how I didn’t try properly or saying to my little brother not to be a failure like me. And it sucked big time because I love my parents and I know the extents they went through to put me and my siblings through private education to give us a better chance, and those shit grades made me feel like I wasted their money, ya know? It was just an overall shit experience that made me feel like I didn’t really wanna get out of bed anymore and it honestly made me push away a lot of people because it felt like everything revolved around uni and that shit just made me feel down af, it was hard to be happy for people so I’d rather just distance myself so I didn’t ruin their mood.

However, I think coming back onto tumblr and using it more often and even starting to write and post helped a lot this year. I’ve always loved writing, it’s an escape for me and it was really needed during these times. And I’ve met some wonderful, amazing people through this little app and have a bunch of people I speak to every day on this blog even through anons which is honestly just brilliant, I do love our wee corner of the internet❤️

Even three years on since this mess began, I still have shit days and it still sucks. But I’m human and I’m learning and I’ve made a new life plan that’s a little different from what I had dreamed about since I was 12 but hey, different can be good sometimes and I’m honestly trying to just take it one day at a time :)

[thephilocalistbarbarian]

Now feeling safe does not feel right!

first of all my English grammar is not that good, so please forgive me for any grammar mistakes I make; Secondly, I am just expressing my random thoughts and opinions here anonymously, so as to make a safe space with people that are like me or relate to me or just wish to read things (that's something I do). but you are free to make comments and suggest random things #berandom

ummm.. ever thought of why does it feel so safe among these strangers who have done nothing but supported your anonymous opinion on the internet? They are nothing more to me then a random account with a anime character’s name I want to talk to them more, I want to know them more but I can’t because this thing known as internet has broken my trust over and over again Hundreds of news of devils in disguise, devouring hundreds of innocent, curious souls every day. Souls who did not know whom to trust whom to not Unaware of their feelings, unaware of the world they had just entered Only if they had not been blamed for the feelings they felt, only if people tried to understand them more Only if their peers tried to see the face behind their euphoric smiles. Now feeling safe does not feel right…No! It’s not about trust issues It’s about the things we’ve dealt with. You know why teenagers like us create safe spaces on the internet or tend to overshare to a stranger online because we don't feel safe in the real world....our parents don't trust us and we are not able to open up to real people because we feel we'll be judged or we'll burden our friends or anyone with our problems or heavy feelings.

Not every over talkative person is an extrovert and not every quite kid is depressed

It’s not always about the concept which came from the western countries, Maybe it���s about Helping people, making them more aware of their feelings, making them feel loved Maybe it was always there but we chose to ignore them with our lies

Now, I really wish to know your thoughts on this Ps: I am working on my writing skills, i hope i get better with each day passing

keep reading keep loving!! see you next time whenever i write (oh god i am so bad at this!!) Love <3

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again. 

[thinger-strang]

i was tagged by @cupidsintern (hey bestie) and im a slut for attention so here we are!

1. why did you choose your url?

jdnxks i called stranger things, thinger strangs before i got ✨hyperfixated✨ then i forgot the s jfbcndnfnf

2. any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

too many; @trans-siberian-marching-band is my main blog but i just reblog random stuff no theme, @falling-galaxies space/aesthetic im not super active there, @paint-splatters-and-chalk-dust art blog where i reblog art that isnt dedicated to one of my side blog hyperfixations, @bucky-the-babe abandoned marvel blog lol, @deanie-beanie-sassy-cassy previously abandoned spn blog that is waking up, @unexplainableaesthetics (i cant tag myself bc i had previously marked this blog as mature before the porn ban so now its Adulted) outfit and/or gender inspo blog disguised as an aesthetic blog, @gay-star-wars-is star wars blog again not super active, @ezisdrawing art blog where i post the art i make

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

too long

4. do you have a queue tag?

no i dont understand queues

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

harringrove hyperfixation and i hate having my hyperfixations on my main blog bc its hard for me to organize it and it stresses me out when its all messy

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

jdbckdnd i love that interview and joes face right there when he pulls out the leg warmer after dacre made a dick joke about the arm warmer KILLED ME JDBCND

7. why did you choose your header?

i drew that and really liked it!

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

no idea

9. how many mutuals do you have?

how do you even check that?

10. how many followers do you have?

578, what are yall doing here

11. how many people do you follow?

934 but i think a lot of them are dead/inactive? idk i dont filter through that idc

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

yes? who hasnt???

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

im terminally online

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

kinda but it was more of a personal thing so not really? idk

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts

i hate those things makes me feel AWFUL whether or not i reblog them >:(

16. do you like tag games?

yes! oh my god yeah it does feel like a talk show! so fun

17. do you like ask games?

yes! love to overshare on the internet!

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ this is harringrove, no one here is "tumblr famous"

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

🤭 (actually idk i dont really get crushes i just get feelings that dont have a name and make no sense)

20. tags?

no pressure at all to do this but @yikesharringrove @smashmouth-hargrove @draculcid @lazybakerart @kingsandsaints and anyone else who feels up to it!

[thecassadilla]

Of All the Apples

Pairing: Kristanna

Word Count: 3,752/AO3

Summary: Though Kristoff is uncertain about his relationship with Anna, he agrees to go apple picking with her, where he is forced to confront his feelings.

Author’s Note: Though Kristoff is uncertain about his relationship with Anna, he agrees to go apple picking with her, where he is forced to confront his feelings.

Author’s Note: Okay, so there may be a teeny bit of projection here - I really wanted to go apple or pumpkin picking at some point during this month. I doubt it’ll happen, so I may as well just write about other people doing the things that I want to do, right? Anyways, for some strange reason this was *incredibly* difficult to write - I think I revised it 30 times. I still don’t know if I’m completely satisfied, to be honest. I don't even know if it makes any sense?? But I'm just going to post it anyway. Enjoy!!!

Hearing the doorbell ring had become a familiar and expected sound. Every single day, around the same time, Anna rang the bell and patiently stood on Kristoff’s doorstep. She waited to be invited inside, even though he had told her multiple times to just come inside when she felt like it. He left the door unlocked for a reason, after all.

“Come in!” he called. He heard the door open and close from where he was, and dainty footsteps made their way towards the living room. In no time at all, she had made it to the couch, quietly collapsing into the empty spot next to him. For some reason, it made him think back to the first time they had met.

He remembered it like it had happened yesterday instead of a year ago. He’d just moved into his new rental - the tiniest house on the street - which happened to be right next door to the grandiose mansion Anna and her sister had inherited from their deceased parents. Anna, still very much a stranger at this point, had shown up on his doorstep with a store bought box of chocolate cupcakes. After apologizing profusely for not baking them herself, oversharing about her lack of skills in the kitchen, and apologizing again for assuming he’d like chocolate, she handed him the box and welcomed him to the neighborhood. That very day, he fell in love with the girl who lived next door.

She walked into his life on her own volition and for some reason that he couldn’t understand, she kept coming back. Since their initial meeting, much had changed. Before he knew it, she was spending more time at his house than she was at her own, and they were sharing intimate conversations and passionate kisses. Their relationship evolved before his own eyes - from neighbors, to friends, to starting an incredibly fulfilling sexual relationship.

Despite the fact that he was completely and utterly in love with her, he spent nearly every waking hour convincing himself that she’d never want to be more than what they currently were; that every shared moment between them was some form of pageantry as opposed to something very, very real.

Instead of believing in the possibility that she could be as in love with him as he was with her, he attempted and failed to keep her at an arm's length; she was intoxicating and it was too difficult to stay away from her, no matter how much he knew that it would hurt when it ended and she moved on with someone else. So, he kept his feelings to himself and never defined their relationship.

But today, something was off. She wasn’t acting like her normal, perky self; she was quiet.

“What’s wrong?” he finally asked.

“Nothing is wrong per se,” she answered with a sigh. “But I have a question for you and I think that I already know what the answer is going to be.”

“Go for it,” he encouraged her.

“I know you hate going places, but I really want to go apple picking tomorrow, and I was hoping that you’d want to come along with me.” She gave him a hopeful smile, batting her eyelashes at him.

Though she always attempted to make plans with him outside of the house, they rarely went out in public together and when they did, it was only to the grocery store. He was too afraid to be seen with her because in his eyes, a guy like him didn’t deserve a girl like her. “Oh. I don’t really think I’ll be useful -”

“You’d be useful!” she insisted enthusiastically. “Because you’re so tall! And I would really love to go with you. Can you please come apple picking with me?”

“I don’t know,” he answered, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Somehow it was the best answer that he could come up with. He didn’t have a real reason to say no, but he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to say yes, either. He cleared his throat. “Elsa’s busy?”

She forced out a laugh. “Bold of you to assume that Elsa wants to spend her day off with me.”

“I’m sorry,” he frowned. 

Any hope she had quickly melted away and her shoulders slumped in defeat. “It’s okay, I get it. I can go by myself, I guess.”

She moved to stand up, and acting on an impulse, he grabbed her hand, knowing that he may come to regret it. “Wait!”

She turned to face him. “What?”

“If it’s really that important to you, then I’ll go with you.”

She hardly gave him a chance to finish before she was throwing her arms around his neck. “Thank you, Kristoff!”

He awkwardly patted her back. “You’re welcome.”

She pulled away suddenly. “Oh crap, I forgot my phone charger at home! I’m just going to go grab it and I’ll be right back, okay?”

He nodded, and she smiled before rushing out of the house. 

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He wasn’t sure what time she had snuck out of his bed that morning, but she was gone when he woke up just after ten. She hardly ever woke up before him, and it was even more unusual for her to have left at all. He rubbed at his eyes a few times before reaching for his phone, and sure enough, she had sent him a text explaining her whereabouts. She was right next door, in her own house, getting ready for their excursion. He sighed, knowing that she must have been extremely excited to have gotten up so early when they weren’t even leaving for several more hours. 

So, he climbed out of bed, aware of the fact that for the first Saturday in a long time, Anna wasn’t with him. He had grown used to their sleepy weekend mornings together, half-dressed and sitting at his kitchen table with plates of pancakes in front of them. Without her there, he followed his weekday routine; he ate, showered and got dressed, keeping it casual with jeans and a black t-shirt layered under a red flannel. And then, he waited. 

When the time had finally come, he went out and stood by her car, hoping that she’d be out soon. His jaw nearly dropped when she finally did. Clad in a grey v-neck sweater and light wash skinny jeans, she paired the outfit with ankle boots. Her hair was half-up, half-down and softly curled. 

“Hey,” she smiled when she saw him waiting. “You ready to go?”

“Born ready. You look great, by the way.”

“So do you, I really like that flannel. You should wear red more often.”

“Thanks,” he blushed, looking down at his shirt. “Aren’t you worried about getting dirty though? We’re going to be walking around in the dirt.”

She laughed. “I don’t plan on rolling around in the dirt.”

“I know, but I don’t want you to ruin your shoes or something.”

“It’ll be fine,” she assured him, before unlocking the car doors and tossing her purse in the backseat. “Climb in.”

He did as he was told, sliding into the passenger seat. 

“This is kind of a rare occurrence, huh? Me driving you somewhere,” she observed aloud as she started the engine. She crossed the seatbelt over her lap and glanced over at him. 

He shrugged. “I like driving.”

“Yeah, but you’re not my chauffeur. I should drive you around more,” she remarked. “Which would mean that we’d have to go out more.”

He shook his head. “I don’t...we shouldn’t -“

“Oh god, do you think I’m a bad driver?”

“What? No!”

“I swear, I’ve only gotten one speeding ticket in my entire life and I wasn’t even going that fast.”

“Anna, your driving is fine. I was just going to say that you don’t have to worry about driving me around because we shouldn’t really be going places together.”

“Okay then,” she responded, noticeably taken aback. “May I ask why you think that?”

“It just seems like a bad idea.”

“So going to dinner after this is out of the question?”

“We could order takeout,” he suggested. “Or I can cook for you.”

She muttered something inaudible and for a few miles they sat quietly, listening to the radio. He stared out the window and admired the fall foliage, hoping that the day would go by smoothly. 

Anna finally spoke up when they were about a mile from the orchard. “So, I want to get enough apples to bake a pie -”

He snorted. “You? Bake a pie?”

“Yeah,” she answered confidently. “I know I’m not great in the kitchen but I’ve never made an apple pie before and I want to try. I could really use your help.”

He glared at her. “Do I look like I’ve made an apple pie before?”

“No, but you’re more competent in the kitchen than I am.”

“Cooking is straightforward. Baking is precise. You mis-measure one ingredient and the entire thing is ruined,” he explained. “That’s why whenever you mention wanting dessert, I always go to the store and buy it.”

“I know the grocery store sells pre-made pie crusts. We can stop there after the orchard, and then that’s one less thing to worry about.”

“I did a little research about the orchard that we’re going to and they sell pies in their store,” he pointed out. “You can save yourself the stress and just buy one.”

“But what’s the fun in that?”

“I guess that’s why we’re going to a farm to buy apples and not to the grocery store,” he remarked, rolling his eyes.

“This is what people do in October. Apple picking, pumpkin picking, corn mazes. It’s fun!”

“They do that stuff to get likes on the Internet, too.”

She didn’t answer, but simply pursed her lips.

He sighed. “Let me guess, you want me to take pictures of you for Instagram?”

“Maybe.”

“Why don’t you stop at a Starbucks and get a pumpkin spice latte to pose with while you’re at it?”

“Rude.”

“It’s what people do in October,” he said, mimicking her sentiment from moments ago.

“Stop criticizing fall, it’s my favorite season. And I’ve never had a pumpkin spice latte, so ha,” she said, before sticking her tongue out at him. 

“I’m not criticizing fall. I’m criticizing what people do in fall.”

“As we’re pulling into the parking lot of an apple orchard, to pick apples.”

“Your idea, not mine,” he reminded her. 

“You agreed to come, mister.”

“Because you need someone to grab the hard to reach apples for you. Remember?”

She shook her head, though a knowing smile spread across her face. “Can you at least try to have fun?”

“No promises,” he answered, a small smile of his own appearing.

The lot was packed with cars, but she was able to find an empty spot with ease. They climbed out of the car, and walked toward the picking area. The attendant at the entrance handed Anna a basket, provided some instructions for them to follow, and told them that the apples would be weighed for purchase when they finished their walk-through. 

When they finally entered the picking area, Anna spoke up. “What should we do first? Apples or pictures?”

He shrugged. “Up to you.”

“Apples first, then.”

There were kids and families everywhere, running from tree to tree, snapping pictures, and chattering away. They walked side-by-side along the center path, trying to avoid bumping into the other people. After walking a few feet, her fingertips brushed against his and he bit down on his lip, trying as hard as he could to ignore it. She moved to take his hand in her own, but he gently pulled away and took a step to the side to create a bit of distance between them.

“Do you not want to hold my hand?” she laughed.

“Oh, um,” he started, looking down at his palm before offering it to her. “I do.”

She accepted with a smile, and laced her soft fingers through his. “This is really nice, we should do stuff like this more often.”

“Apple picking is a seasonal thing,” he remarked, trying to deflect. 

“That’s not what I meant,” she giggled. “I meant we should go out more in general.”

“Hey, this tree has a lot of apples.” He pulled her toward it, hoping that it would distract her. He dropped her hand and motioned to the tree. “Pick away.”

“Why are you being weird?”

“I’m not.”

She handed him the basket, and reached for an apple that was hanging near her head. “Yeah, you are. Is something bothering you?”

“No,” he lied. She gently placed the apple in the basket before trying to take it back from him. “Only one apple?”

“This place is huge, we don’t have to get all of our apples from this one tree.”

“I’ll carry the basket for you,” he insisted, hoping that it would prevent her from noticing that they weren’t holding hands anymore. It didn’t work.

“Can you hold it in your other hand? Or should I just walk on the other side?”

“I’ll hold it in my other hand.” He transferred the basket and she immediately took his hand again.

They walked for a while, occasionally stopping at trees and picking a few apples before repeating the same routine. When they were approaching the last section of trees before the weighing station, Anna paused. 

“Since we’re almost done and there aren’t that many people over here, we should stop for a few pictures now,” she said, dropping his hand and digging through her bag. “If you’re okay with that.”

“Yeah that’s fine.”

She dug out her phone and handed it to him, dropping her purse by his feet and taking a few steps towards the trees. He placed the basket down next to it before opening up the camera app on her phone.

There was no simple way to describe how beautiful she looked as she posed for the camera; between the sunlight that was bouncing off of her hair and the radiant smile that was spread across her face, she was absolutely ethereal. He was so entranced, that he hardly noticed that she was moving toward him and continued snapping pictures until she was much closer than before.

“Can I see how they came out?” she asked, holding her hand out. He placed the phone in her hand and she swiped through them. “They came out great! You’re a pretty good photographer.”

“I guess,” he shrugged.

She slid her phone into her back pocket and then held out her hand again. “Give me your phone, I’ll take a few pictures of you.”

“I don’t need any pictures of myself.”

“You can post it to your Instagram!”

He rolled his eyes. “I’ve only posted to Instagram, like, three times. I hardly use it.”

“It’s never too late. Don’t you want your friends to see what you were up to this weekend?”

“Not really. I don’t have a million friends to impress.”

“I don’t have a million friends and I’m not trying to impress anyone,” she scoffed. “I just think that it would be nice.”

“Which is why I took pictures of you for your Instagram. You don’t have to worry about me.”

She opened her mouth to argue back, but was interrupted when a woman approached them. “Hey, would you mind taking a few pictures of my boyfriend and I?”

“Of course!” Anna answered, accepting the phone from her.

The couple posed and Anna snapped a few photos before handing the phone back.

The woman looked through the pictures. “Thank you so much, they look really good. Do you want me to take a couple for you guys?”

Before he could say no, Anna was handing her phone to the woman. She grabbed his arm and dragged him back a few steps. Before he knew it, she was pressed into his side, her arm wrapped tightly around his lower back. He was unsure what to do with his own arms, and at the last minute, he draped his arm around her shoulders. He was positive that the pictures would perfectly encapsulate the tension he was feeling in his face, but he did his best to smile. After what felt like an eternity, the woman handed the phone back to Anna. 

“Thank you so much, I really appreciate it,” she said to the woman, who smiled in return.

“Please don’t put those on the Internet,” he begged once the couple had wandered away.

“Why? You look great,” she said, holding the phone out to him. He took a quick look, and just as he expected, they looked way too couple-y for her to casually post it online.

“Just...don’t.”

“But we look so adorable! I want all of my friends to see it.”

“You’re probably better off just posting the pictures of you alone,” he insisted. “Your friends may get the wrong idea.”

“The wrong idea?”

“You know, they may make assumptions.”

She looked up from her phone, and stared directly into his eyes. “What assumptions do you think they’ll make?”

He didn’t answer, instead choosing to look away from her.

“I need a legitimate reason for not posting this picture,” she insisted. “Tell me, what assumptions do you think my friends will make?”

He hesitated, thinking of how to properly phrase the thoughts running through his mind. “I don’t want people to think we’re a couple when we’re not. It’s weird and embarrassing.”

“We’re not a couple?” she asked incredulously, her eyes nearly popping out of her head. 

He was suddenly questioning everything he was certain of a mere moment ago. “Are we?”

“I assumed we were! We’re always together, and you know all of my secrets, and not to be too candid in a public place but we have a physical relationship - oh god, have I been reading this wrong? Are we just friends with benefits? Is that why you didn’t want to hold my hand? Are you, like, embarrassed of me?” She blinked a few times, not taking her eyes off of his.

“No!” he exclaimed loudly, causing a few people to turn around and stare in their direction. Grotesquely aware of the fact that people were paying attention, he continued in a hushed voice, “I didn’t think you’d want to be my girlfriend.”

“Why on earth would you think that?” she squawked, raising a shaky hand to her chest.

He could feel his world crumbling around him. “I’m me and you’re...you. You’re amazing and gorgeous and funny and I’m a boring, grumpy homebody.”

“You’re so much more than that; you’re kind and caring and respectful.”

He took a breath, trying to hold it together. “I don’t think I’m as great as you think I am.”

“I’m in love with you, Kristoff,” she confessed suddenly, the words tumbling out of her mouth with little regard as to how they’d be received. “I wasn’t planning on telling you like this, but you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need you to know that.”

Though the revelation had hit him like a ton of bricks, for the first time ever, he felt at ease with his own feelings. “I love you, too.”

“You do? You aren’t just saying that because I said it?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I mean it. I’ve felt this way for a long time but I’ve been too much of a coward to say anything, too busy convincing myself that you’d be better off with someone else.”

She was in his arms, then, squeezing as tightly as she could, her cheek smashed up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin atop her head. “You silly, silly boy, we have got to work on this self-deprecating attitude of yours. You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“I’m sorry,” he grimaced, biting down on his lip.

“And for the record, I don’t think that I’d be better off with anyone else.”

He nodded against her instead of answering.

“I would kiss you but people are staring at us,” she said, pulling back slightly so she could look up at him but still keeping her arms firmly around his waist. “We should get out of here.”

“Good idea.”

“Can I please take you out to dinner tonight? I know you don’t -”

The smile on his face was enough for her to stop speaking mid-sentence. “That would be great.”

She heaved a sigh of relief, finally letting go of him so she could grab her purse and the basket. They walked hand-in-hand to the weighing station, where she bagged and paid for the apples they’d picked before walking back to the parking lot.

“Thank you for convincing me to come today, Anna,” he said as they walked to the car. “I’m really glad that I came.”

“I’m really glad that you came, too. And I’m glad that we were able to clear up that misunderstanding.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you like that. I spent a long time convincing myself that there was no possible way that you’d want to be with me, and it became believable.”

“I wouldn’t spend every single day with you if I didn’t want to be with you,” she assured him. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure,” he nodded.

“I’ve lived on our street for my entire life, and tons of people have come and gone, obviously. I can faithfully say that I have only ever welcomed one person to the neighborhood, and that was you.”

“Really? Why?”

She smirked. “I needed an excuse to talk to the cute boy who was moving in next door.”

“Oh,” he chuckled, feeling his cheeks warm up. 

“I haven’t stopped bothering you since,” she said, matter-of-factly. 

They climbed back into her car, and buckled their seatbelts before she started the ignition.

“And by the way, you should check Instagram,” she remarked, as she started to back out of the spot.

He dug his phone out of his pocket and launched the app. He had a few notifications, but the most recent one led him to a post that he’d been tagged in. Anna had posted the picture of the two of them with the caption: “All the apples in the orchard, and I’d pick him every time.”

He smiled to himself before liking the picture. “Would you mind sending me the pictures we took? I want my friends to see them.”