#i see posts that say aspecs should speak up more about their experiences. so ill try 2 internalize that.

[klavery]

ok ive alluded 2 this b4 and i wanted 2 talk abt it 4 ace week so if anyones just dying 2 get in on an internet strangers Dramatic Queer Backstory im ready to overshare. its about my history with sex negativity and how its affected me.

so i grew up with an lgbt+ irl friend group of about 7 years. it sounds totally fake but for the love of god just trust me on this. Friend A was your typical anti-aspec, anti-mogai, anti-kink exclusionist with internalized homophobia and Friend B was a sex repulsed asexual. these two people were my best friends, we were all nd, we all liked fandom stuff, and we all found out we were lgbt+ together.

now with that context in mind, im letting you know right now that our relationship with eachother as lgbt+ people was utter hell. we werent CONSTANTLY at eachothers throats, but there had always been an air of uneasiness any time any topics about our identities or lgbt "issues" were brought up. there was no solidarity, and any support for eachother had always been one-sided. when tolerance HAD failed us, it resulted in arguments and shade-throwing. and it was all fueled by tumblr funnieman internet discourse brain poison. i was unable to feel pride within the presence of these two people, and the damage this did to me as an aspec person alone is a post all on its own.

these two friends, as you can imagine, were also very sex negative people. as was i. for me it was from a weird mixture of repulsion, and repression. but the nuances of my mess of an identity is, again, an essay for another time. but anyways, my own issues combined with both Friend A's internalized homophobia and Friend B's repulsion lead to us being neck deep in a miserable cycle of both sex and kink shaming, of either people we knew or people on the internet, amongst ourselves (i guess this was the one thing we could all agree on. isnt that just swell). this had been disastrous for my self esteem as someone who, later realized, wasnt "as asexual" as they thought, for lack of a better phrase.

i cant begin to describe how psychologically damaged this behavior has left me. to be stuck in such a toxic, harmful mindset during such a crucial period of development, between the ages of 13-20 years old. that i still struggle immensely to unlearn. it feels permanently ingrained in my subconscious, its just completely automatic to react with disgust or anger towards anything sexual. i always thought myself to be the perverted freak of the group, because of what i only relatively recently realized was actually normal human behavior all along. but the guilt of simply having any sexual thought continues to eat me alive to this day. and i must reiterate, the shaming wasnt just from my friends. i take just as much responsibility for the harm i caused. and i dont doubt my old friends are also just as fucked up from it as i am. i dont want to blame them for what happened. there is a part of me that wants to be angry, but thats mostly at the exclusionist shit. which i, big shocker, also had a hand in as well. funny how that works. its just. sad it had to be this way. this month is the 4 year mark of when i finally stopped talking to them for good. and i can only hope theyve grown up and gotten better.

[your-posts-are-schist]

In regards to a previous post

I reblogged a post very recently where I talked about my experiences with meet ups and what's needed for one so I thought I would make a separate post for anyone who wants it.

This is tagged in discourse tags mainly because I see people against enbies, queer folk, and aspec(ace/aro spectrum, not autistic. As an autistic person, this isn't the post's point so don't make a fool of yourselves and hone in on a useless and harmless bit.) people complain about there being ace/aro, queer, and/or enby meets but not lesbian/gay/bi/trans meets in their local communities or clubs or in general.

So as someone with a little experience, I'm gonna give all of you a very simple breakdown on how these work and what you can do to get a meet up that you would like to see. Then you can be proactive instead of crying over people who were proactive having meets on the internet. And yeah, I think I'm allowed to be pissy at people whining about others making their own spaces when they themselves do nothing irl to make the spaces they want. I understand the frustration of not having a space and how mental illness or other things like availability get in the way, but most people I see complaining blame others for what they don't have and make no effort. No one will give you something when you don't say you want it and most people won't waste resources on something if only one person speaks up. So listen up and if you want something, try to use this to help get it. You do deserve a space to meet others like you after all.

There are a lot of variables to running a meet up, so let's stick to the basics or this will be longer than it already will be. Feel free to take your time reading this too. There's no rush and it is a lot to process.

People. You need people who want a meet. If you want and think people would want a lesbians only meet, find some other lesbians in your area and ask them. Go to existing community gatherings and ask around. If you feel more confident, procceed.

Chances are, the reason there's no meet for the group you want is because no one or very few asked for one. A lot of people tend to believe they're the only ones who want something and that no one would come if they tried themselves so they avoid the risk of failure all together. Another group having a meet just means they took the risk and it paid off, not that any group they're under or working with favors them over you. Some people will settle for what they have too, so they may be happy just using the general community spaces because they served them well enough so far. When you see aces/aros/queer people/trans people/enbies having meets it means put they effort into getting them, that's why they have them. Put in the effort to make what you want.

Try to find others who will help you with the process. It can be lengthy and time consuming. Do not start a meet up alone if you aren't absolutely sure you will have the time and money to spare.

Planning. It's a pain in the ass, I won't lie. You have to pick a venue, a time slot, possibly spend money, offer refreshments and possibly branch off into conversation topics or activities. You also need to listen to feedback and manage poor behavior.

I say venues but using free, public places like parks will work. If you want a pavilion though, you will probably need to rent one. You could also hold them in your own home or talk to people in schools/colleges about providing a room.

Time slots are necessary if you're planning on renting a venue, so make sure you have a time picked before hand. Some venues only have limited times available. If you aren't renting one, still plan a length for your meet and take your own availability into account. I would suggest to hold it for an hour, but maybe see how long other meets run in your area and base it off that. Also keep your time consistent. Always try to have the meets at the same time(and place) it will seriously help in the long run.

On the topic of time, if you're holding a meeting that lasts an hour, offer drinks and snacks if you can afford it. Definitely have water, people will get thirsty.

Conversation topics help break the ice. You can have an introduction on the first day, but plan some for following meets because it does take time for everyone to be comfortable with each other. Activities can help this as well, it doesn't have to be a game either it can be like, Flannel Friday or something like that.

Feedback will help you improve the meets. Always keep a notebook handy during them or an email open to the members so they can share their opinions with you.

Managing poor behavior is tough and runs on a case-by-case basis. On one hand, you should confront bigotry in your meets and explain why that was wrong of them. On the other, it can be easier to just ban someone. In most small meets I help at, there's a three strike rule, with exceptions for very extreme cases or outright violence like sexual harassment, verbal abuse, and physical violence. Someone saying something ignorant or displaying inappropriate behaviors like shitty bigoted jokes, can probably be taught better and could be given a warning and a chance to learn and grow. If you do decide to give them a chance make an effort to separate the person from those who were asking your help. If they keep it up and don't show any improvements they should be booted, there's only so much time you can put into helping a person.

Advertising. Bolded because it's the most important part. A lot of meets fall through because of poor advertising. Make a page for your meet and print out copies. Put them in places where you might find people with similar interests. Since we're talking about LGBTQ+ specifically, aim for any currently running community meets or organizations. If you have an LGBTQ+ center near you, get in contact with them. They may be willing to help you. When you make your advertisement make sure you put the date and time of the meet, the address, and contact information, whether it's yours, someone who's helping you, or multiple can work.

Be on top of announcements. Sudden, last minute cancellations are a terrible thing and should be reserved only for emergencies like injury, illness, or sudden persobal matters. This is also where having help comes in handy.

Don't be afraid to ask questions or get some help. Running meets is a difficult, time consuming task and you will have your hands full. But it can be very worth it when the payoff comes around. Being able to meet people like you can make it feel worthwhile and the accomplishment is also nice.

Local orgs should be willing to help you set these up or advertise your meet and community groups should too, if they have other meets. Get in contact with group, club, or org leaders and send them a message asking for what you want to see. If you are willing and able, offer your time to help run it because then they won't have to spend the time looking for someone to run it.

And I think that's about it! So if you take the advice and try to make a meet for yourself pr get one started, then good luck and I hope it goes well! Unless it's for something bigoted, then I hope it burns down on the first day.

[permian-tropos]

why aces belong in the lgbt+ community a Not comprehensive post tm 

god I hate this discourse so much. it’s not a fun rousing kind of pissed off like arguing about star wars or w/e. I feel ill having to say this and I feel ill thinking people will want to inject their own ideologies into what I’m about to say, about my personal experience of identity

look. I’m neither cisgender nor heterosexual. I’ve had pre-puberty anticipatory body dysphoria, I’ve had tons of gender presentation dysphoria, I’ve had gender euphoria from people telling me they don’t see me as a woman. I felt isolated in a lot of ways when I was younger simply because I didn’t know how to engage with people in their gendered world I didn’t connect with. and obviously I’m not heterosexual because I’m ace but I’ve had strong aesthetic attractions to women and also found that I’m probably somewhat demisexual and I don’t want to get into that too much more (personal) but basically to the extent that I can be romantic or sexual it is not in a straight way.

on these grounds I would hope I would belong in the lgbt+ community

but the thing is -- neither my gender nor my multiple-gender-interest expressed themselves until I’d come to terms with how my aroasexuality shaped them both. because that always came first, and it was always really vivid in my mind. it was so vivid that I invented the word asexual to describe it quite independently of anyone else when I was a pre-teen. asexuality was always what made me different, what made me feel like I was not part of cishet society. I felt like I wasn’t fully a woman for many reasons, but I especially knew that I didn’t want to be a gender that people could be attracted to! that I wasn’t a gender that people could or should be attracted to, in the way that people can be attracted to men or women (because I had only learned the binary at that time). and so, also, my feelings towards other people were not governed by the interplay of recognizing people’s genders and sensing your own sexuality that allo people experience. 

asexuality is a huge range of experiences but a lot of those experiences are highly unique. and not in a ~fun~ way. maturing into asexuality can mean not knowing if every interaction or social connection you’ve had is sexual. again, I don’t want to get into certain things (you don’t have a right to all my personal anecdotes ok?), but it can mean feeling like any strong attachment you hold to something is sexual or romantic, and before I identified as ace, when I was around 8-9, I ended up doing a few things that I really regret because I couldn’t distinguish that emotional difference (they’re not that bad, just kinda odd neurodivergent child behaviors, don’t worry about me, but I still have these memories uneasily rattling around my brain)

what I’m getting at is that asexuality is an extremely queer experience and if you’re allo then it’s not your queer experience and you can’t measure it by your own standards, and it shouldn’t be offensive to suggest that. and it can’t be separated into its own community. I am not cisgender -- but my gender comes out of my asexuality and so if the queer community wants my queer gender, it will have to take my asexuality with it. I am not hetero-attracted -- but my non-het experience comes out of my asexuality. if I end up in a relationship with a girl, even one with sex as an element, it would still be an asexual same-gender relationship and my desire to be with them would be an asexual desire.

the ace community cannot be separate from the lgbt+ community. I cannot separately be lgbt+ and ace. my gender identity and non-het attractions clearly belong in lgbt+ spaces. but they are asexual. what do you expect me to do in your lgbt+ space, to express my gender and attraction, without my asexuality? you can’t pull these two things apart. 

so as a non-cis non-het ace, you are literally expelling my queerness from your community by making asexuality some separate thing.

the question of whether asexuals are oppressed or not is honestly BS because a) I can’t speak for the many asexuals who have in fact been stigmatized for their identity but they can damn well speak for themselves and they do but people refuse to listen and b) we’re trying to make a world where no one’s going to be oppressed. even in a world where no queer people are stigmatized or mistreated, there are still going to be experiences that are queer because they’re different. and asexuality is always going to feel different because of how formative sexuality is to individuals and society! we’re always going to be something else. why doesn’t that belong under the lgbt+ umbrella?

saying you don’t thing aces should be in the community focused on marginalized genders and sexualities that you’re in, but some other community, basically means you think you shouldn’t have to hear any of the complex ideas about gender and sexuality that we could offer. you think you deserve the right to to avoid our voices in broad conversations about these topics

allo folks? can I have your attention please? 

stop acting like you can personally comprehend the experience of being aspec and freely categorize it. and if you’re angry that we’re talking about how not wanting sex is valid (but also a complex and multifaceted way of being), because your identity has been stigmatized as hypersexual, I just have to say, is making asexuality a queer thing going to make all the other sexualities more sexual? like if you’re in proximity to us and consider yourself in a community with us, that suddenly makes your sexuality look too sexual to the cishets? 

do you think that we’re going to be treated as the good queers? is that it? I do genuinely empathize and understand this but it’s also a fucking petty and frankly selfish fear. you don’t get to kick us out because you’re afraid of what other people will think and do simply because we exist. and it also plays into the bullshit about how Oppressors(TM) and Oppressed(TM) are always clearly delineated along an axis of oppression -- allosexual people face tons of problems due to compulsory allosexuality in society! one of the longstanding problems throughout human history is people delineating the right way to be allosexual. people making the experience of having sexual attraction (not necessarily having sex) the locus of judgement on a person’s character because it’s seen as this universal part of being human, some unifying thing that all human psyches can be judged on, which lets societies justify extremely harsh judgments. looking at you, Religions Of That Book That Classifies Sexual Desire As Defining Humanity And Humanity’s Original Sin Establishing Their Capacity For Good And Evil (or just the adherents of those religions that use that interpretation, which is and always has been a lot of people)

anyway where the fuck do you get off citing how people stigmatize the lgbt+ community as hypersexual when you believe that sexuality should be mandatory for participation in the lgbt+ community but optional if you’re going to go anything else