#god i dont wanna work tomorrow
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More of my convex qpps thoughts because I keep thinking about them:
Cub isn't a very touchy person. He let's only people who are close to him touch him and that's mostly Scar.
Scar is a very touchy person on the other hand but he also likes touch only from certain people. Mostly Cub or Grian and Mumbo. If Cub isn't feeling up for cuddles Scar just goes to find Mumbo or Grian or he just stays with Cub and they just sit together. Or maybe they just hold hands, depends on if Cub is feeling it or not.
Scar can get very jittery and anxious for no reason. Going to Cub usually calms his anxiety because Cub is a very calm and collected person most of the time.
Scar likes kissing occasionally. Cub doesn't really care. He just likes spending time with Scar and kisses are nice.
They both have a safe space with the other because they know each other so well and they can just sit in silence if they need to and just be there. No words need to be spoken.
Scar and Cub both made a promise to each other that they wouldn't leave each other. Scar has a lot of anxiety around his friends leaving him or putting him aside when they find a potential romantic partner. Cub has a lot of anxiety about ending up alone because of him being a vex.
Theyre just a perfect fit for each other and they get to just exist without any worries when hanging out.
#scar is an allay#anyway i hope this made sense#im going to sleep now#god i dont wanna work tomorrow#stiff talk#gtws#cub#convex#qpr convex#aroace scar#cub is whatever you want him to be
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i NEED to get a little treat or ill go insane
#this close to opening the first shopping site that passes me and buying smt i dont need#currently 13 hours into this work shift only got like 2 more hopefully... 3 hours from now i could b sleepin....#and then tomorrow i start early again!#ive been refreshing my artfight all day like art? art for rama? please? that would count as perfect little treat#it would fix me.#shut up dave#its like 2:30 AM so im probably just tired. i wanna go hooome i wanna sleeep but i have to WORK.#god i better get good money for this#in other news i look so good. sure ive been wearing platforms all day. at work. but it is worth it for fashion <3
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hhbh
#okay nvm all that#im having A Day. was supposed to see bf and go to the fair but im sick etc#i was playin videoed games w my friend and ik he didn't purposefully ghost me#he really did get called by his parents or somethin and didnt get back for however long but i dropped from the game and the call bc#i am in a mood . not his fault. that+something else i Really want to check him on but once again its not actually a big deal i am just#cranky. if i did actually get on his ass he would call me and ask if i'm okay which is some bullshit . if i dodged dnd tonight he would do#the same thing but like. mmmm depression. i am very sad. and cranky in pain and i miss my bf and im sick of working at fucking walmart#and now i have to listen to people talk about trump tomorrow and i was gonna see my bf today and i miss him really bad and i dont wanna tal#to anyone else#to be soooo fr i am honestly just like. critically low on affection/attention. rn. i know myself.#i cant just skip dnd that's a shitty move but god i wanna go to sleep <- in pain and sad and cranky and i miss my boyfriend badly#i'm just cranky. but like. augh. let me out of here.#everything sucks. um i have been depressed for going on six months and i am really sick of it. to be honest.
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group work is Not It. I should have known better than to enroll in an engagement course that involves planning workshops with a group of other students……. guess who is doing all the work! :^) Back in tha day my teachers called me a ‘natural leader’… fun fact!!!! I am actually not! I do not like being in charge! it is actually just that people take advantage of me! Hope this helps
#God. I wanted to take the class so bad bc it’s about the history of art in prison systems#and it involves a weekly art workshop in a prison#the group that runs it is pretty blatantly abolitionist and partially run by formerly incarcerated ppl#so it’s made pretty clear that we're not ‘teaching’ art bc thats weird and enforcing a hierarchy if ur a 'teacher'#its more like a way to get materials inside and basically hang out with and make art alongside incarcerated ppl#under the guise of ‘volunteering’ as the dept of corrections labels it#anyway that’s all off topic but basically I am doing all the fucking work lmao we’re supposed to go in for the first time tomorrow and#my group members suck shit at communicating and the person who’s supposed to drive is like radio silent whenever I ask#where we should meet and shit#FUCK!!! I hate logistical shit like this#its taken us a million years to get cleared by the system (on purpose i stg) so its literally midterm time and we havent gotten in yet#i swear if our first one gets jeopardized by this girl who refuses to check her damn texts or emails or even come to class im gonna be so#pissed. lmfao#goddddd this is giving me flashbacks to when i took the class where we were supposed to do workshops at an elementary school#different vibe because in that scenario it was definitely supposed to be educational and we lowkey were 'teachers'#but my classmates also didnt do shit and i also ended up doing literally everything#WHY TAKE A CLASS LIKE THIS IF U DONT WANNA DO IT LIKE SERIOUS QUESTION#maybe they just want to put it on their resume LOL#they need a vetting process for this class i stg like interview these bitches before they enroll#cuz some of these people fr do not care
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#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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I don't know what to do with myself during summer break but school sucks too and literally like. what. what do I do. what do I like. do I have hobbies?? yeah, probably, but I haven't done them in so long that I can't anymore.
I haven't had real time to myself in so long that I don't know how to do that anymore
#y'all i actually cant#if i DO have a significant amount of free time during the school year ever#i usually just fill it up with seeing my friends and going places#that's all I've done these past 5 days of summer pretty much#and i have work the day after tomorrow#and i REALLY REALLY dont wanna go#and i dont know what to DO with myself#like yes i have an online summer class technically#and i should start writing my essays for college applications#but i just CANT b#but i CANT participate in my hobbies either..#WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I DO IT SOMEONE HELP ME OH MY GOD#:((
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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#tired thursday anyone? tired thursday??#nvm i dont wanna stream#writing day instead#we can do a liddle writing for fun#funsiess#after this one i need to make up some more scenarious for this AU#dancing would be nice but god do i not wanna figure out how to write that rn#maybe later#tomorrow will be 'fuckin sleep friday'#u know what sucks#i dont even go outside for work anymore and im still dead#i was not myself when i used to work outside#i didnt even realize it#until after i left
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So I may or may not have spent a good chunk of my day trying to learn how to look into onis code and while I may not have yet succeeded I will likely keep fucking around with shit tomorrow and if I manage to succeed it'll spell great doom for my sanity as oni becomes the interest I've officially poured the most effort into analyzing
#rat rambles#oni posting#for now I must sleep but hopefully tomorrow Ill figure out how to decompile files#the real question is going to be if Ill be able to do this on my shitty ass laptop or if Ill need to figure smth else out#I just want to be able to view stuff so ideally it won't make my laptop chug too bad but rly Im more worried abt space#I might have to try to do some cleanup and delete some shit maybe Ill go scan through the shit that came pre installed#and hey maybe if I can get this to work I can go mega hacker mode and tweak some stuff for funsies#probably wont since I don't wanna break my game and I dont trust myself but yknow#itd probably help if I actually retained any information from the Two programing classes I took when I was younger but alas#one of them was even specifically a video game programming class and lemme tell you I remember absolutely nothing#also from what little I was able to view without fancy applications I have no new info but I can finally fully put jean in the we 100% know#their last name zone cause while we definitely already 100% did Technically we only got jea- for first name confirmation#but theyre referred to as jean in a note in a bio bot story traits file ty whoever added the notes there#god I hope theres other notes in the files I want to read those so bad#btw this was all spurred by that one nails log that disappeared cause I have found a file that looks like it but I cant fully view it#and I desperately need to view it I need to view it#also if I can look in the code then in theory itll make copying down all the lore logs easier#also the datamining thread of the forums hasnt been particularly active so who knows maybe I can become a proper dataminer#(<- will not do that probably unless it turns out to be easier than I thought)#but admittedly I am interested in hunting for potential future update content even if I probably won't hunt too hard for it#again Im mostly just hunting for lore#hey maybe if Im lucky Ill find some genuinely new and usable information in that department#maybe the secrets of b363 and dr. holland lie in the files ooooo (they probably dont)#man it'd be nice if I had a proper pc itd make my life so much easier and my desk feel less enpty lol#in a world where I get to play videogames at a higher framerate than 10fps#I mean we do have some older computers laying around the house although theyre probably also crusty pieces of shit#idk maybe I can see if I can salvage one itd be nice to have a proper computer to fuck about with#Im sure my mom wouldn't mind as long as its one that hasnt been touched in years#which tbf I dont know how many options thatd leave me but we at least have one computer that could theoretically be usable#albiet its definitely packed with viruses from me and my siblings being dumb kids
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ive been so good at not spending money that i think i deserve a little treat
#i Did just spend $6 on resident weevil but we're not counting that <3#i wanna get a new cart but i need to finish the one i have :/ i wanna try smth New#or just start getting edible high again. anyway#god im so tired from work. and im there an extra HOUR tmrw 😭😭#we better get paid for the stupid meeting saturday too ill be PISSED if we dont >:(#anyway. did fairly well today and Really good on tips even tho we were slower than yesterday :)#also saw my old boss. i love that woman so much <3#talk tag#oh also not the owner (whos been helping me past 2 days) saying to look up yt vids of bartending..#'just look them up tmrw morning if ur so tired' well 1 i work tomorrow morning too so jot THAT down. sorry ur business is not the#sole entity in my life. fuck u man
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Took another just to try and fix this bc good lord I wanna stop shaking and kill this headache
#marquilla#my brain feels so fucked up man#this might make me feel worse but god i have to try bc my next dose is 2pm TOMORROW and i have to work tomorrow so i dont#wanna have to drive to and from work like this#i mean i have to drive to get moms car but thats like a 2 mile drive i can manage long enough for it to be safe#plus im sure it'd be noticable at work bc holding anything makes it shake and just sitting or standing i shake so
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it's paste where he shouldn't be o'clock. sir you had to parkour to the top of the fridge and then across all my cabinets to get there. why.
#also just gonna use the tags to vent for a second but good GOD is this currnt bit of writers block incredibly poorly timed#I mean there's never really a good time to have writers block but I need to finish a piece for the fe3h femslash exchange by next week#and I'm only a few hundred words into it#and I dont wanna let this person down but I feel like nothing I've written for it has been very good so!!!! AHHHHH!!#and my dad's coming this weekend and my cats probabaly have fuckin fleas#I have to edit 2 podcast episodes this week each nearly 2 hours long#like this is not a good week to be me#and like I want to create!!! very badly!!! I feel like a tiger stalking its cage#and I cannot do everything I need to do right now. so instead I will walk to the kitchen and get some water#then I am going to sit down and complete one work task that is purely word vomit#then I am going to go to sleep and try again tomorrow#because that is what tomorrow is for
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#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just#feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives#function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty#god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student#so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self#destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure#rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done#but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry#and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen#ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i#didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there#i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a#wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo.#idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues?#i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell#unrelated
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god oh my god this sucks so fucking much, i knew today would be the worst day so far but holy fucking shit i truly just wish i was fucking dead!!
#i have a job interview tomorrow and there was ONE THING that i needed to do this weekend to prepare for it#and we were both going through withdrawals so badly that i DIDNT FUCKING DO IT#im literally just so angry at myself and at everything else in the world and i've been so fucking mean to the cats today and i hate myself#about it#i dont even WANT to go to the fucking interview tomorrow i just want to kill myself and cry and die and fucking give up on it all#this sucks so fucking badly oh my fucking god and i would bet you all like 500 fucking dollars#that ethan relapses on it today while he's at work and comes home fucking STINKING and making it worse for me#YET AGAIN#oh my god im so fucking angry im so fucking angry i just wanna scream and punch and throw and smash#AND I JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT ALL LOCKED UP INSIDE ME THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION NO FUCING OPTIONS NO CHOICES NOTHING#there will never be anything for me in this life and i dont know why i've been pretending otherwise#GOD it hasnt even been 72 hours yet can i please just be done#can i please find the first man who smoked tobacco and mass marketed it#AND FUCKING STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH????????????#im gonna kill and cry and die and hate my life my self my everything#ive just been crying so many fucking angry tears#like i'll be so angry and when it does come out it comes as tears and i personally???? hate that shit so much#makes me feel so fucking weak#fuck everybody fuck god fuck nice people fuck mean people fuck the normalizing of horrible drugs fuck addiction and fuck myself#just gotta keep telling myself i dont need it
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oh my god am i so fucking tired
#work ended two hours ago but still just so so tired#to be fair it was my first shift back in two weeks after that GODFORSAKEN cold#tales from diana#i was very anxious to do this last night. i had a hard time falling asleep#didnt get as much sleep as i wanted but i still did sleep#i had a half-day kindergarten job originally but when i got there they switched me to full day fifth grade#and it sure was a full day of fifth grade#theyre doing this thing right now in the fifth grade where they switch classes and go to the different teachers#to prepare for middle school. i get it i get it it's a good system#but i did have to teach a one-hour writing class three times to like sixty kids in total#it's a lot. AND i had to do a lunch duty god forbid#tomorrow im subbing full-day for a different kindergarten teacher and since im goin there i doubt theyll send me anywhere else#unless i guess someone else abruptly calls out sick but like. uhhh i just wanna do this k class ive been w them like 4 times this month#theyre easy i know these kids they dont scare me#and in early childhood ed theres always like at least a para or two#in the older grades im lucky if theres one para but today there were none#all day. goooood im tired
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#just gonna minor vent in the tags#i keep wanting to work on this commission but shit keeps coming up its driving me insane#literally physically exhausted after the past fews and today my dog got sick after eating smth#had to take her to the vets bc she was swaying like she was drunk so ive been even more stressed#'ill just do 1 commission so itll be quick and easy!' cue weeks later when im too physically and emotionally exhausted#the deadline was the only thing that got me moving on the accent. maybe i should start setting deadlines#its just so frustrating it can never go smoothly :(#oh also my dog is fine jic someone was worried. shes been sleepy all day but has mostly recovered <3#i would genuinely not recover if smth happened to her ahahaha#:')#and what triggered all this is me giving blood! i wanna do smth good but if its like this next time i cannot do it anymore#it literally had me feeling like complete shit for nearly a full week after i was just exhausted and so cranky#hshsjdkdj and then i had a nightmare and didnt sleep well for like. 3 days in a row and now this#smash mouth was right the years start coming and they dont stop coming#okay minor vent over. tomorrow is a new day and i will get some substantial art done!! on god!
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