#god i cant believe its been 10 years

[mildcrow]

drawing Ianite for 12 year old me!!! Happy 10th birthday to mianite :)

[musingmycelium]

. noncoherent but also thoughts

[the-acid-pear]

I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.

[bugmin]

so yesterday i sat my coworker down and i told her "the first thing i need you to know is that i respect you, i think you're awesome at what you do, and i dont have a bad word to say about you. its important to me that our working relationship is good and that we don't have unresolved tension but ive noticed in the last few weeks just that. tension. something has changed between us and i need to know what. i want to right any wrongs that might have happened. did i say something hurtful? did someone say something to you? what changed between us because i know something did." can you fucking believe that her answer was essentially "u run circles around me u do my job for me they kick me out when ur here coz u did everything already" oh okay. well you're welcome. also and maybe tell me to fuck off if its bothering you so badly you want to give me nasty fucking bitter stank face for weeks

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

I hey I finally have a more soild grasp on the difference of perseverance and determination. My undertale phase can finally be appeased

[propertyofwicked]

SMITTEN - LN

ln x reader, platonic!grid x reader SMAU

based on this request ✧ my inbox is open ✧

warnings: none, just a little swearing throughout - also she's a short one

masterlist the playlist

⭑･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡.｡༅:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

yourusername made a new post!

liked by charles_leclerc, maxverstappen1, and 21,223 others

yourusername 10 years ago today, i competed in my final karting race in order to pursue my dream career - and i would do it all over again, especially when i still get to spend my days with these losers

tagged: charles_leclerc, maxverstappen1, pierregasly

view all 5,421 comments

maxverstappen1 losers?? i think you mean losers and three time world champion, no?

⤷ yourusername they're not mutually exclusive

charles_leclerc proud of everything you've achieved mon amour

⤷ yourusername you’re just glad i left karting so that i stopped kicking your ass

⤷ charles_leclerc we raced in different categories?

⤷ yourusername the points dont lie leclerc

pierregasly i love you but did you have to chose this photo of me?

⤷ yourusername yes.

⤷ yourusername believe it or not, i have worse ones i couldve used

⤷ francisca.cgomes leak them

⤷ pierregasly bro??

⤷ yourusername cant believe youve just called your own girlfriend bro

yourusername made a new post!

liked by mclaren, oscarpiastri, and 21,223 others

yourusername thank you mclaren for having me today! trying to get the drivers to sit down and answer my questions may have shaved a few years from my life but i had fun regardless!

check out the video on youtube now!

view all 5,421 comments

mclaren thank you for babysitting! 🧡

⤷ yourusername id say anytime but the curly haired one kept asking "why" after every sentence :/

⤷ landonorris babysitting? nah, milf training comment has been deleted

⤷ landonorris ….why?

⤷ yourusername not sure what i did in a past life to deserve this

⤷ username3 yo anyone else see the deleted comment? someone pr train this man pleeeease

landonorris was lovely to see you! stop by anytime 🧡

⤷ username1 "lovely" 👀

username5 working hard or hardly working?

⤷ yourusername working flaccid.

oscarpiastri 🧡

yourusername made a new post!

liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc, and 12,358 others

yourusername taking a break from being your favourite journalist to become the ultimate stray cat whisperer

view all 2,381 comments

francisca.cgomes you look so gorgeous meu bem ❤️

⤷ yourusername i am nothing compared to you kiks ❤️

⤷ francisca.cgomes shush you

⤷ yourusername make me 😋😩

landonorris correct! you are my favourite journalist! and i am a stray cat!

⤷ yourusername be so fucking fr rn lando

⤷ username5 i refuse to believe this is real

⤷ oscarpiastri pretty sure i just heard him meow honestly

landonorris hi! im free june 24 if you want to hangout june 24 lmk im not doing anything june 24 please msg me if ur available june 24 so we could maybe hangout or do something june 24 !!

⤷ charles_leclerc lando please stop you're embarrassing youself

⤷ maxverstappen1 no charles, let him cook

⤷ charles_leclerc this is going to end badly

⤷ maxverstappen1 thats what im hoping for

⤷ yourusername you guys are being so mean

⤷ yourusername do it again 😈

username8 she's so beautiful i dont know if i wanna be her or with her

⤷ landonorris i know what im chosing

⤷ yourusername lando this is so unhinged pls move it to the dms

⤷ landonorris yes ma'am 🫡

⤷ yourusername ma'am??? im 2 years older than you not 20

yourusername made a new post!

liked by landonorris, francisca.cgomes , and 23,139 others

yourusername test drive

view all 6,581 comments

username3 test drive? THE CAR OR LANDO?

⤷ username12 that is not lando - surely???

charles_leclerc its june 24th.

⤷ pierregasly he's only gone and done it

⤷ charles_leclerc i fear i will never recover from this

⤷ yourusername french speaking men really are the most dramatic.

⤷ charles_leclerc i can be dramatic in spanish too if you need

⤷ carlossainz55 no gracias 😩

⤷ username3 this confirms it OH MY GOD

username7 what car do you drive?

⤷ yourusername my personal car is just a peugeot 208 but i rented a porsche for the week!

yourusername made a new post!

liked by lewishamilton, mercedesamgf1 and 23,139 others

yourusername back to work, and back to mercedes for the first time in a while! keep your eyes peeled for some race week content coming your way!

tagged: lewishamilton, georgerussell63

view all 1,372 comments

georgerussell63 right well that's just cruel y/n. please violate lewis JUST ONCE

⤷ yourusername lewis didn't have a habit of running me off the track repeatedly

⤷ georgerussell63 that was ONCE. 14 YEARS AGO.

⤷ yourusername that's a strange way of apologising

⤷ username14 sometimes i forget she used to kart with like half of the grid

⤷ username14 like girly out here interviewing her childhood friends every week

mercedesamgf1 i feel like we need context for the last image, y/n

⤷ yourusername there are some things you will never know, admin

landonorris come back to mclaren tf?

⤷ yourusername soon 🤫

username4 lewis actually took part in social content? don't give me false hope i beg of u

⤷ yourusername not only did he take part, but he served cunt whilst doing so

⤷ lewishamilton i don't think i want to know what this means

⤷ yourusername probably for the best grandpa 💖

username15 sorry is everyone just ignoring lando being desperate in the comments?

⤷ yourusername if we ignore him, he'll go away

⤷ landonorris wrong. ill get worse! hope that helps x

yourusername made a new post!

liked by landonorris, lilymhe and 42,601 others

yourusername cats out the bag

view all 2,671 comments

landonorris milf.

⤷ yourusername im not a mother??

⤷ landonorris *yet.

username3 wait how short is she? 'cos lando is not that tall i SWEAR

maxverstappen1 don't you mean...cougar?

⤷ yourusername you wanna talk to me about age gaps rn?

lilymhe that should be me holding ur hand

⤷ yourusername it still can be babygirl

⤷ lilymhe say less

⤷ alex_albon no please do say more - if im losing my girlfriend id like a full explanation

⤷ yourusername my hairline is still intact?

⤷ landonorris devoured.

username15 does he not get bored of you asking him questions all the time?

⤷ yourusername not really, 'cos when i run out of work related questions i spiral into asking if he's mad at me every 20 minutes

⤷ username6 honestly so real for that

[ilonacho]

MY BABYYYY I LOVE YOU I DON’T DESERVE YOU😭♥️🩷❤️🧡💛🩵💙💜🖤🩶🤍🤎❤️‍🔥❣️💕💞💓💗💖💘💝💟

Happy Valentines Day to @ilonacho

God pulled out all the stops when he made you, baby ❤️ I love you

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[feliformiaboy]

pathways ask answering masterpost

i've gotten approximately 9,000,000,000 asks the past few days, and due to my passion for yapping, i want to answer them all. BUT. i do not want to flood your dashes with yaoi. so here it is. if i leave out your ask it's probably because i don't really have a response for it.

this is so fucking cute i hope you know i spent a solid 30 minutes squealing & kicking my legs & giggling about it with my friends. 47 hyenas have been sent to your home carrying riches and wealth beyond imaginination

this is true and real and i am in agony so eternal about it that i am unable to describe it

also god yeah. zeal was trying to kill me personally with gossip.mp3. when i first heard it i squealed like a baby chihuahua getting punted across a football field

^ the clip they were talking about

thank you. also please please please send me a screenshot of the roblox outfit or i'll die

a robot's neural pathways + sebastian leading painter out of the blacksite (a pathway of sorts.) made it on the 23rd of july this year

pathways

its an aro4aro situation going on

painter loves to doodle it and sebastian frolicking about meadows or whatever whenever its not supervised. unfortunately it usually has to delete those pictures to save hardware space/power/processing times

sebastian only really shows affection towards painter as like. a bit. for a long time. its mostly ironic/ingenuine to him. but once he gets over the resentment and emo backstory angst he starts being a bit more earnest

in all honesty 9 times out of 10 sebastian would be forced to leave painter behind in the blacksite if he ever got a chance to escape. he probably cant work the submarines and would be forced to swim up to the surface (in the water, a thing computers notoriously don't like)

other characters

pandemonium eyefestation evil t4t girlyaoi

goodpeople and painter also would have a weird situationship going on if good people like. was a bit more "conscious" like painter is

i still wholeheartedly believe in eyefestation sebastian painter polycule. the ship name for them is either electrolysis or glaucoma (suggested by my friend. you know who you are.)

every node hunts purely for survival except for pandemonium who hunts for sport. she's a fucking asshole.

also all the nodes are women. just lyk

567 starving hagfishes with malaria just showed up on your doorstep

[steifel]

More outsiders HCs except this time its mostly about the Curtis bros (it turned into mostly be about Sodapop)

Soda sucked his thumb until he was 12

Speaking of soda sucking his thumb when he was a toddler it was more like he would stick his whole hand in his mouth and let the drool drip all over his arm

He used to wake up at like 2 am crawl out of his bed and waddle over to Darrys room and just stair (hand fully in his mouth mind you) darry would wake up and be like "hay little man do you need something" Soda would just continue staring until Darry got uncomfortable then Soda just waddeld his way back to bed

When they were 4 and 6 Pony and Soda were truly a meness to society

They used to work together to get chocolate cake off of the top shelf of the fridge by Soda lifting Pony onto his shoulders

Together they could reach

They thought it was super funny until Darry got in trouble (because obviously the 4 and 6 year old cant reach the top of the fridge)

Pony started crying when Darry got in trouble and so the boys came clean

One time Sodapop got his head stuck in between the rails on the stairs (he was 15)

One time when he was 10 Pony found a bunch of Darrys playboys

He looked through all of them because he was so curious

Poor thing was confused he had no idea why people would like that kind of stuff

He took them to show Johnny who was also very confused

They told Dally and he just laughed at them

Steve and Soda met when they were both at the parks and Soda goes "i like ponys" and steve was like "i like cars" so they played ponys and cars. They have been best friends ever since

Darry is secretly terrified of when Pony starts dating because he really doesn't want to have *the talk*

Little does he know Pony has had said *talk* at least 7 times

Everyone in the gang has tried to put the fear of God in him about sex

Except Dally who is the most honest of the gang

When he was a kid all Darry ever wanted was to be a dad

Pony absolutely hates kids

Soda was the kid to eat all of his Halloween candy in one sitting and then complain that his tummy hurts

I feel like Soda had a tummy ache quite often as a child

From literal kindergarten to the time he dropped out somebody had to physically sit and watch Soda do his homework or it wouldn't get done

Mrs Curtis used to sit at the table with all 3 boys to watch them do their homework

And once their parents died Darry started to sit down with the two boys to make sure they got their work done

Now whenever he can Sodapop sits to watch Ponyboy do his homework because he truly believes that thats just how homework works

Darry is legitimately afraid of the dark

If there is a spider anywhere in the Curtis household you bet your ass Soda is on the counter screaming like a little girl

Ponyboy cries when his brothers kill bugs so Darry has to let them all outside

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD

STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS

picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health

-

“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”

jeremy u flirt

-

do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?

-

oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10

if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.

if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.

i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.

sending lots of love to all of u

-

wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?

-

It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.

fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene

-

Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”

jean moreau u are so loved

-

“You are not them,��� Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”

THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE

ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING

-

Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.

jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him

-

betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug

and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-

“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.” He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.

CHAPTER TWELVEE

dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading

-

“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.

king is fed uppp

-

“It’s not about size, anyway.” ​“Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. ​Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.

OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U

-

“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”

GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN

-

“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”

now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact

“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,

this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash

-

“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” ​“Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”

NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP

YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON

-

CHAPTER 13333

jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that’s real of him

meanwhile jean:

Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.

sureee buddy

-

They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.

well that is definitely an outfit!

-

“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”

EXCUSE ME

this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships

-

ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER

-

‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’

uhhhhh…

i don’t know how to tell u this buddy

-

dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy

chapter 14!!!

-

Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” ​Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” ​Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.

oh jean we’ll get there eventually

-

Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE

MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR

-

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

-

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”

“Neither am I.”

TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST

-

everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept

-

kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life

they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply

He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” ​“I will wait as long as it takes,”

“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”

-

“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. ​“Obsessed,” Jeremy

exy fiend kevin day representation

also

“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil

-

She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.

this is the love jean deserves

chapter 15:

“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”

jean i love u

-

Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,

he’s so me

-

“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”

THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR

-

i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:

due to egregious injuries.” ​Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.

it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character

-

“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. ​“Denied,” White said.

SCREAMING

THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT

-

JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT

catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u

-

jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world

-

So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.

oh god don’t do this to me

-

Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.

beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate

A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.

A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS

-

SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO

“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”

starting off strong

-

You’re one of my kids now.

don’t mind me i’m just sobbing

-

no no no no no no no no no

holy shit no what the fucking fuck

don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now

actually dreading reading on right now

-

um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read

i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing

-

Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” ​“I do not want you to look.” ​It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,

-

only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him

chapter 17 the finale:

feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book

please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau

-

nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???

-

i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007

-

jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god

-

“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?

stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?

stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i

-

Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”

NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER

-

Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.

devouring these scraps about my boy

-

YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY

-

Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day

- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us

-

The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”

oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book

-

“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”

to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together

-

“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”

my hero

Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,

i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph

Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” ​“Shut up and get in the car.”

i wish neil josten was real

-

He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated

FUCK THE GOVERNMENT

-

Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”

he’s everything to me 🥰

-

“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.

and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”

- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn

-

ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope

-

“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”

oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud

-

“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”

THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE

all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon

-

i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do

best friends ❤️

-

jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him

A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS

!!!!!

I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK

[vriskabot]

do you have any davris headcanons?

i saw this ask the instant it came in and i could not believe my EYES. trust when i tell you ive been typing FURIOUSLY in the meantime okay. okay headcanons. -dave has always been a little genderweird and vriska putting makeup on him when she was bored one night unlocked his third eye and now he cant stop putting red shit all over his eyelids -vriska has also always been genderweird and you can see where im going with this. -she steals his clothes ALL the time -he pretends to hate it when she gets her disgusting $5 perfume stink all over said clothes but you know he loves that shit (and she knows it too) -flaming bisexuals -once theyve been together for a while they are THE most "i am going to have the longest silent conversation with someone across the room you have ever seen in your life" -they both think they can read each other like a book but in truth its only about 60-70% accurate -the inaccuracies are always funny as fuck though and 9 times out of 10 its some entirely off the wall MADNESS due to their upbringings they think is entirely normal. the conversations that directly follow these revelations are legendary amongst the extended crew and every single one thats happened in a public memo has been screenshotted by basically everyone they know -speaking of which. i dont think they dm for basically anything ever. they either have conversations right in the GC (sometimes in the middle of other conversations, which karkat fucking HATES, especially when they flirt with each other) or they speak in person/over the phone. no in between -they flirt with each other all the time and its disgusting but its incomprehensible to literally everyone else. vriska tells dave she found some gnarly roadkill and sends coordinates and dave is like "babe stop not in front of everybody" -she used to send pictures too but that got shut down real quick and now thats really all she dms him for -i dont think vriska likes it for the same reasons dave does but he did absolutely get her into the weird and wacky world of vulture culture. dave likes the wet specimens the most but vriskas a fan of bones and taxidermy -speaking of which. this is more vriska/troll-centric but i love the idea of vriska being able to eat bones. dave gets the same schoolboy "oh my god this is so cool" kick out of it every single time -im well aware that music is a time thing but i genuinely cannot comprehend a world wherein vriska is not a music girlie. this definitely did a lot of the heavy lifting in The Early Days because when youre emotionally constipated sometimes you gotta let a song do the talking FOR you -vriska 100% introduced dave to crunkcore and he got way more into it than she ever did. he listens to 3oh3 religiously -dave samples vriska on his tracks all the time because she CANNOT shut the fuck up. he also likes taking pictures of her but even after years together he still kinda keeps those to himself and gets flustered when she finds one -man i just really love the idea of them being fucking obsessed with each other. they rag on each other ALL the time because thats just how they feel the most comfortable being affectionate but at the end of the day they snuggle up all soft and quiet and just enjoy being with somebody who understands how hard it can be to even allow that to happen in the first place -they ARE super casually affectionate with each other though, even in group settings. i dont think theyd like grand pda like kissing or saying 'i love you' in public but personal space just doesnt really exist for them. they hang off each other and sling legs over laps all willy nilly -they also stim on each other. dave likes to play with her hair while hes talking and vriska likes to play with his hands/fingers when shes bored this post is so LONG i could keep going for days. please always ask me about davris, especially if youve got more specific questions!!!

[dryococelas01]

As a worm fan I have to speak up about the best character in worm, the greatest hero in worm, a tragic and severely underappreciated character (I've seen like 1 fanfic with him in. And it was a pretty mediocre one imo) and a character I seem to be the only fan of.

The most powerful man in the world. Kevin Norton.

This is gonna be a big ramble and I have not planned this out and it's gonna contain a shit ton of worm spoilers so ignore if you don't want to be spoiled.

And considering its involved in his backstory, trigger warning for homophobia, rape, homelessness, and partner abuse.

Kevin Norton, unhoused gay English man.

We get 2 versions of Kevin's backstory, the one he tells Lisette and the one from scions interlude.

I'm pulling this from memory so please forgive me for errors.

To her he says essentially he went to college, got a girlfriend. Lived with her for a while, and eventually realised he was gay. When he informed his girlfriend it didn't go well, got abusive, and eventually he left, to live on the streets. There he, eventually, found Scion (and Duke, his dog, the more important character). Scion at the time wasn't exactly a hero. He had healed Vikare and his sister and he definitely wasn't a villain, he just sortof floated around. Kevin goes off on him about all Kevin's been through, how dare he look sad etc. And tells him to help people. And Scion listens, and begins to help. Later he meets with Scion a few more times, to talk to him.

Then there's scions interlude. Its about the same, with one slight difference. He explicitly mentions that he has been raped. I don't believe, off the top of my head, that it's made explicit it was his former girlfriend, but l feel that's very obvious.

I live in Britain, and I've seen a lot of people on the streets like Kevin. I doubt any of them are talking to alien god beings but many of them are on the streets for very similar reasons to Kevin. LGBTQ+ people get kicked out a lot when they come out, many do end up on the street like Kevin when the homophobia from their family or partners becomes too much. There are also a lot of people with abusive partners who end up on the street, or who, upon realising they are LGBTQ+, get a very negative response.

He is a character who's suffering a lot. But, and I don't phrase it like this to minimise it, it is a mundane sort of suffering. He didn't end up on the street because Behemoth sent a lightning bolt through his house, or the slaughterhouse nine altered his face to look like Jack Slashes, or even a possible but still unusual form of suffering like Taylors locker.

The tale of Kevin Norton (minus scion) is one that no doubt countless people are going through now. And I know it's kinda tiring that a lot of stories of LGBTQ+ people revolve around our suffering, but idk, I'm fine with it here.

And yet, and this is the thing that sticks in my brain and makes him so intriguing to me, he doesn't ask Scion to fix it. Kevin Norton dies of a disease (cant remember which), and he knows Scion could cure it. The first thing he did was cure a man's cancer. And Scion could easily give him whatever he needs to live, whether directly with his powers or by just yknow, asking Scion to take him to a nearby hero team and going 'hey, I command Scion and made him a hero, I've saved millions of lives through this, can I have a house'.

So... why doesn't Kevin ask for that.

There's 2 answers I can think of, the selfless (but still kinda depressing) and the full on depressing.

The first is that he recognises scion has so many people to save and doesn't want him wasting time he could be spending saving 10 peoples lives to help him live better. In this interpretation, Kevin has made his peace with living on the street, and with his eventual death.

The second is that Kevin Norton is tired. He has suffered a lot, he has lived on the street for years, he has borne the emotional burden of being the man who commands the strongest hero in the world, and he has discovered that he could have done so much more, if he had just phrased things differently. In this interpretation, Kevin Norton just doesn't want to go on.

There's other possible interpretations, but in truth I think it lies somewhere between these.

There's something tragic about him that captures me. The greatest hero in the world, who has likely saved more people than any member of the triumvirate, and he likely dies alone, bar perhaps his dog, with only one other person knowing what he did. His last act as a hero, is to pass on the torch, an act he clearly feels guilty about, knowing the burden its been for him.

And that's captivating to me. And I don't know if I've even fully explained why.

I like to think he died after hearing of Behemoths death. He would know he had fixed his mistake, and performed a last, great act of heroism.

And there's something to say about how, for only a small kindness of money and a few minutes, he made Lisette the most powerful woman in the world. I try, when I can, to give money and time to the people I see on the streets. But I don't always have money, or time, and whenever I walk away I always feel a great amount of guilt. I'd like to think the little helps I give make as big an impact as Lisettes to Kevin's, but I doubt it. We don't have alien god beings.

Perhaps his rant to Scion was unfair. He didn't know Scions perspective or history. Scion could have suffered a lot. But it was very real. An outburst of a man so powerless and suffering to one who seems to have all the power in the world and is doing nothing with it. There's something about that that resonates with me, despite having had a pretty privileged life myself.

Speaking of privilege, this is sortof a tacked on note but there's something interesting to note about the stories 2 more impactful (in setting) gay male characters.

We have Legend and Norton.

Legend has a lot of power and influence, he has a husband and an adopted son. He definitely suffers from homophobia, not taking that away from him, but he lives pretty well. His suffering doesn't come from his living situation, but from external forces: Endbringers, supervillains, the weight of the entity over his head, the lies of his teammates etc. He has done good. He has saved many.

Norton suffers because of his living situation. He suffers very directly from homophobia, as essentially the cause of his living situation. Other than Scion he likely hasn't really been directly impacted by Cape stuff much. He has done good, he has saved many.

They both have such drastically opposite lives, and you can see it in their relationship to the being that plays an important part in both their stories. Scion. To Kevin he's a seemingly mentally broken man who has saved thousands under his direction. To Legend he's a Venus fly trap, an entity appearing heroic waiting to destroy hundreds.

Under a certain perspective, you could argue both are right.

You could also make a point about how privilege can shield you from some of the worst impacts of homophobia and seeing that by comparing them etc etc but I find such conversations often end up being very dismissive and suffering Olympicsy, and don't feel entirely qualified to talk about it as I am a not out trans woman, not a gay man, and only know about that effect of privilege in relation to homophobia second hand, from discussions other people have had. If other people want to talk about that who have more experience there, feel free.

There's more to say about these two characters, but I can't grasp it right now.

One last point I want to make.

Fiction... does not treat people living on the streets very well. It would have been very easy to have Kevin being a raving man, wearing a tinfoil hat and ranting about how powerful he is. And many other stories would have.

And to a degree, he does initially come off as such, and it appears that Lisette, for a moment, thinks he is after hearing him talk about being The Most Powerful Man and so on.

But he isn't. We get in his head and he's never treated as anything but a human being in a terrible situation.

I don't know what else to say about this part of it other than that his interlude is very well done, and while there's a lot you can, and people have, say about how Wildbow handles certain subjects, I think he did well here.

Also he has a cute loyal dog and one of the best interludes in worm.

I stan Kevin Norton

[skelelephant]

i cant remember if you talked about this before but i think youve mentioned it before?? can you discuss your thoughts on griff's head scar and his relationship with wolfstan i cant seem to remember where you discussed it. definitely not

HI WOW THANK YOU TOTALLY ANONYMOUS USER FOR THIS QUESTION

I’m SO glad you asked I have so many thoughts on this. SPOILERS FOR BLACK DEATH (2010) UNDER THE CUT. PLEASE (please) WATCH THE MOVIE THEN COME BACK

The cool thing about Black Death is that it gives you juuuuuuust enough hints about the connections between its characters but never actually lays anything out so you’re left to piece together things based on context clues alone (did you know Osmund and Averil were childhood friends? Because until I watched the behind the scenes content on the DVD I Didn’t Either)

But ANYWAY. We’re here to talk about Griff and Wolfstan

(One of my favourite shots of my pretty princess <3 also you can see the scar really well here)

Their relationship is one that’s so fascinating to me (obviously) but is also so very brief within the movie as a whole. Griff’s total screen time is like. Maybe 10 minutes if you’re being generous with shots where he’s in the background. It’s Fucking Dire Out Here.

But first things first. We’re introduced to Griff and Wolfstan as a pair. Dalywag, Mold, and Ivo all get their own separate introductory shots, (and obviously we’ve met Swire and Ulrich by this point). But Wolfstan and Griff are continually referred to as a pair. In the first scene we meet them and Wolfstan jokes “God has no men left, He sends us a boy” he’s directing that joke at Griff. He’s looking at Griff when he says it. Already we’re lead to believe these men are familiar with each other

“Erin how does this relate to Griff’s scar?” I hear you asking.

WELL.

The first real juicy piece of character information we’re given about these two comes from Swire, when he tells Osmund how he spent time in the King’s army with Wolfstan and Griff. This information is delivered along with a shot of the two of them bringing up the rear of their company, watching over their shoulders for any approaching threats.

So. We’ve now learned that these two were soldiers together. And now, after the war, they find themselves travelling as hired muscle under the command of a holy man. (I’ve made a post about how I interpret the relationship between the Company and Ulrich, so I won’t get into that here. But you can read it if you want.)

So. Where does that leave Griff’s scar?

Well it’s never actually addressed at all in canon, it’s not even acknowledged. It’s just a character detail that has no bearing on the story at all.

So. This is where we get into my own interpretation and headcanon.

I think Griff and Wolfstan were close even back in the army— pointedly never intimate but skirting the line CLOSE— and Griff sustained a critical head injury during one of the battles. A wound like that would certainly threaten a man’s life, and if he managed to survive it he would likely never hold a sword again. So Griff is dead weight, and this is a war zone. And my THEORY IS: in order to make sure Griff was able to recover from his injury, Wolfstan deserted the army and took Griff with him. Forfeiting any sort of glory or honour from the battles they’d been a part of, but at least they’d be together.

Wolfstan is the reason Griff survived and in the years that followed he helped Griff relearn the motor function he’d lost, including how to wield a blade. (Griff barely draws his blade in the movie so I think he’s still not as confident as he once was, but he can fight again!) Also during that time where Griff was in recovery the two of them finally broke down and got together. So by the time the events of the movie come around they’re well involved with each other.

So you can IMAGINE how this adds heartbreak to the scene where Griff finally succumbs to the plague and Wolfstan has to be the one to kill him. After fighting so hard to keep Griff alive, in the end it was just borrowed time, and Wolfstan has to end his life all the same. (I made a post rambling about this specific scene as well! Smile)

You know that Margaret Mead quote that gets tossed around a lot about how “the first sign of civilization was a healed femur”? I think Griff’s scar is a sign that someone once cared enough to save him. And I think that someone was Wolfstan.

Anyway! I need to go collapse into a heap about them again. Dear fucking god. Please talk to me more about this movie PLEASE. I could talk about it for ages.

[ttaibhse]

i need to start up running again i haven't been in ages and i feel shitty about it but i still just don't really want to. especially now it's getting colder lol i like running in cool weather but when it's actually cold not as much. i was getting so bored of it idrk why i guess because i was running out of new routes to do... i hate running along the road and the thought of adding more distance which basically would mean adding more time on the road or just mindless loops of the parks wasn't really motivating lol. and i felt like i stopped making progress. and then i got sick and the pain in my back/hips came back for a while. and to be honest i was/am just disappointed that i wasn't losing any weight at least not perceptibly and obviously i was lying when i said the goal of it wasn't to lose weight lol. like not the only goal i did/do also want to just be a fitter and more active person and not let my bones crumble into dust by middle age whatever but ultimately i want to lose weight and it just wasn't happening. even though i wasn't intentionally eating much more to make up for the extra activity but i probably was doing it without meaning to. like admittedly there were definitely times i would be like oh i can have a bit more i did a big run today. not all the time but enough i guess. i feel like shit i hate being this size & shape i miss being skinny and the more time passes with me not being skinny it gets harder to remember the negatives that came with it. like i look back now and i know i was always cold and exhausted and obsessed with food and my whole life revolved around it like i know all that but i looked so much better -_- my clothes looked nicer. if someone took a photo of me i only had to worry about hating my face not my body as well. or not as much at least lol i always hated it i guess. but omfg my face even looks worse now because its just doughy. i cant stand it. i cant believe how fucked up i look lol

i hate writing posts like this i sound so cookie cutter stereotypical ED girl. it's so so embarrassing i can't stop feeling like this at nearly 28. im 28 in like 10 days and the first time i remember consciously deciding to stop eating to lose weight i was 10 or 11. my mum still seems to have genuinely blocked out the memories of it like any of it even though we talked about it at several different points in time when i was a teenager and i said to her what was going on and she was so angry with me like furious with me. and then again when i was an adult and just said outright because i knew i had put on weight over lockdown and i knew she thought i had just lost control of myself because she said so to my sister

so i said to her like look i was only really thin in uni because i was in like a 1.5k calorie deficit every single day. there were days i would stand up at the end of a lecture and almost black out lol so i said all that maybe 3 or 4 years ago was the last time i brought it up icr but still if the topic of eating disorders or similar comes up she will say things like "i hope youve never felt that way" LMFAO like full sincerity i swear to fucking god i dont understand. but anyway its not a great feeling knowing she thinks im fat because i just dont take care of myself. even though it is true i suppose. and every time i see my granny she comments on my weight. so anyway all that to say that's how i know it's true and it's not just in my head

like i can acknowledge that back in the day when i was something like 55kg and still thought i was huge that was some kind of dysmorphia involved. but not any more and it's just kind of a blow because i had finally started accepting this idea that i wasn't as big as i thought and now i am it's like i don't know like going backwards. like a nightmare come true or something it's literally all the bad thoughts i would have about myself are true now. i am that fat or even worse because i think i've been deluding myself i think i'm actually now bigger than i think i am. and i am lazy and eat badly and it still feels like my options are total lack of control or the tightest rein possible. theres no good middle ground i dont know how people find a middle ground. how do you eat normally lol. ive only ever been thin when i was barely eating + walking miles and miles every day AND on testosterone. i tried to do eating normally and now im so huge and i dont know what to do like logically i know there are people out there who have got it right so why cant i get it right

[sisville-v11]

todays the 1 year anniversary of techdogs release, and god. i cant believe its been a year now dude

ive definitely talked about the impact this album left on me here before, but i think i need to like. actually elaborate on that, because techdog had a paw in what would end up being a complete life restructure i went through earlier this year that fundamentally changed the core of who i was. for this post, though, i wanna talk more specifically about techdog itself and what was going through my mind as the parts were dropping & immediately afterwards rather than its aftermath of what it did to me. this is probs gonna be a long post so best to put this read more here (update from future me after i finished this post: i was right its extremely long)

so prior to techdogs release, i already had some familiarity with patricias work cause a friend of mine introduced me to her stuff, and at the time i thought her songs were... pretty cool! i think it was rosa, daylight spectrum, and visiting narcissa i listened to sometimes before this, but it wasnt often and i was still knee-deep in my c418 fixation so she wasnt what i would consider a favorite artist of mine at that time. enter techdog.

i saw she had just uploaded TECHDOG 1, and saw her pinned comment saying it was a 4-part project shed been working on since 2022, and that shed be uploading each new part every day. cool! took a listen through it, thought it was a neat lil collection of tracks but i didnt think too much about it then, it sorta came and went for me.

the next day came and TECHDOG 2 dropped. much like techdog 1, i these tracks sorta came and went for me though i did like them a bit more than techdog 1's, outside of the first one which i found super catchy. i did notice at the time it was a bit longer than techdog 1, but didnt think much of it then.

new day, new techdog. TECHDOG 3 dropped, and it was here that i started noticing the trend of each part being about 20 minutes longer than the last. something else i immediately noticed here is that this album sounded a lot more mature than the first two, but couldnt pin down why exactly i thought that at the time. regardless, i enjoyed it notably more than the first two techdogs.

then TECHDOG 4 dropped and god DAMN was this a good-ass album, at the time it was easily my favorite of the TECHDOGs and also my new favorite album of hers, i absolutely love skillful use of repetition in music and i felt every song in 4 executed it perfectly, so many of the songs in here stick out in my mind even today (especially big mention to tracks 1 and 10... and again just about all the other tracks in here theyre all kickass). so that was that, the techdog series was concluded and she mentioned she would be uploading the compilation of all 4 albums the next day, which i was immediately planning to listen through the entirety of again and i was very much looking forward to it.

and then shit got real.

when shit gets real

TECHDOG 5 dropped to my COMPLETE and utter surprise and it threw me so off guard that i had literally no idea what would be in store with this one. i re-listened to some of techdog 4 to get myself warmed back up before jumping back in and... i was not ready for the tone shift. the pure emotion of these songs. GEGTGEGHGETECETHTOTHCHDHCOCDCODODOD literally sounds like an anxiety attack perfectly translated from emotion into song. SO MANY of these songs are perfect transcriptions of raw negative emotion put into song form, i dont know how the fuck she did that. and the entire progression of the album sounds like youre being pulled deeper, deeper into the negativity and fear and pain and turmoil of your mind, by the time you get to the last track its clear theres no way youre seeing the light anytime soon, only the growing darkness awaits.

(context for those that dont know: excursions is the c418 album that completely reshaped the way i thought about music back in 2020 and my brain latched onto his music extremely hard as a result. and then i realized that was happening again with techdog)

so uh. i think its suffice to say that i was locked in when it came to hearing this series out til the end. and i didnt have long to wait for continuing it, as TECHDOG 6 would drop the next day.

i saw it drop in the morning, and its description immediately stuck with me - "Feeling pain." the feeling of pain being translated into music was something where i had NO clue at all how she couldve possibly executed it, and its something i found myself pondering the entire day until i finally listened to it in the evening. i already wasnt feeling great that day, so i think what happened next only exasperated my emotions further while listening to it.

pain. pain its all pain. of course musical pain would be noise. of course it would sound like garbled noise thats what pain FEELS LIKE. the onslaught of static garble was so intense that i had to take off my headphones and listen to the album through my laptop speakers. for the rest of the albums duration i was just laying on my bed and, letting my ears absorb the musical onslaught this album was bringing forth.

techdog 6 isnt my favorite of the techdogs, but i think its extremely impressive how, once again, patricia was out here translating pure emotion to sound almost to a tee; its pretty clear to me that all of the tracks here emphasize different types of pain one would go through. the first few tracks focus more on physical pain, the type of searing physical pain you'd feel from being horribly beaten up, while the rest sound more akin to mental pain, bubbling mental anguish from being depressed, feeling like a failure because you cant do what comes so easily to others, or... other similarly horrible mental health episodes. both very different types of pain but still unbearable to go through all the same. DODTDODHDODTOGOTOHTETHTGHCHGHEGCGEGCECECEC sounds like desperately trying to convince yourself youre okay when you absolutely arent and youre spiraling about it in a manic state. DEDGDEDCDEDGEOEGECGHGCGOCTCOCHOTOHOTHTHTHT is terrifying, terrifying beyond what my vocabulary can adequately describe it as, the absolute rock bottom that leaves you feeling broken beyond all repair, that there's no way you're escaping this, youre trapped in the pits of hell as the leviathans swarm around you until you finally relent and you need to just give up now.

until... the final track happens. GEGCGEGHGEGCEDECEHCOCHCDHTHDHODTDODTOTOTOT happens.

i was not ready for this song to sound like that. to hit like that. a song so harsh yet so beautiful, blasting tiny rays of sun down through the roaring sea of pain for you to grasp onto and try to free yourself from the pits. a release. its the only song thats ever made me ugly sob, and for 20 minutes at that, its so inexplicably powerful. guys this is still the most beautiful song ive ever heard in my life, i still think this a year after it hit me for the first time. for all techdog relistens after this, i needed to forbid myself from relistening to this song unless i was doing an entire album runthrough from the start, or at least the entirety of the dark side portions, because this is the type of experience you cant ruin with overexposure. this is the type of song you only get the pleasure of experiencing once in a blue moon. likely even less often than that. its just- god. god damn. i cant believe it. i cant believe this song exists

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the dust clears and TECHDOG 7 reveals itself the next day. patricia made it a point to say that this one was the true final part in the techdog series. i didnt even know if we would get a techdog 7... how the hell could you follow up that last song? in what way are you able to do that?

...with drone, i found out.

i remember i was confused when i first started playing 7 because i heard nothing coming through my headphones at all - thats intentional, as i soon found out. it starts out with nothing, and each track slowly but surely brings things back into focus, back to reality as the hollowness left from the aftermath of the pain starts to be replaced with regular emotion again. different emotion than before, but still, better than emptiness. i dont have much to say about OCOTOCODOCOTOCECTCDCTHTDTETDGDEDHDEGEHEGEHGHGHGHG specifically, as i feel it speaks for itself, but i did want to highlight the way techdog 7s tone changes after this because i find it really, really interesting.

the way GEGTGEGHGEGTGECETEHETOTHTCTHDHCHOHCDCOCDCODODODOD sounds so desolate, as you start desperately screaming into the void harder and harder hoping to hear a response back. the way DODTDODHDODTDOGOTOHOTETHTGTHCHGHEHGCGEGCGECECECEC sounds like trying to process the loss of a version of yourself you never thought would leave, the way THTCTHTOTHTCTHDHCHOHCECOCDCOGODOEODGDEDGDEGEGEGEG sounds like dusting off the rubble and finally accepting that this is the way it is. (some of) the stages of grief on full display here.

but, just in case there is anything left... the 2nd-to-last track, DEDGDEDCDEDGDEOEGECEGHGCGOGCTCOCHCOTOHOTOHTHTHTHT is one last journey through reliving all the past trauma in hopes of finding something, anything from beforehand before calling it quits for good, yet coming up empty handed and being like fine ill let it go, ready to accept the circumstances and move on, try to rebuild yourself with what you do have. this was another song that i had to like... stop what i was doing, and fixate my full attention on everything happening in the song. it was too intense to ignore.

as was the final track of the techdog series, GEGCGEGHGEGCGEDECEHECOCHCDCHTHDHOHDTDODTDOTOTOTOT. a song that absorbed me for the last 30 minutes of its runtime, my entire being felt synergized with the energy this song brought with it until... suddenly, its gone. its over. and i had no idea what the hell i just experienced.

...

even now, i dont really know how to describe what happened after i finished techdog. i barely remember it, its all kind of a blur.

one thing i do specifically remember is that i tried remixing a song from techdog a couple days after i finished the series, and eventually scrapped it after it got a ways in production because uhhh... dude i slowly realized that i couldnt make music anymore. at all. techdog had set the standard of music in my brain so high that i would not be able to make any new songs i was proud of until i buckled myself down and figured out how to stop playing bab songs on my fisher price keyboard and start making some real shit. there was a path my music was taking shortly before techdog did what it did to me, and that IMMEDIATELY got terminated and hard branched elsewhere because i realized oh my god, that type of music i was making sucks actually and i need to get better right now before i make anything thats worth showing people again. and thats how it took 8 months for my confidence in making music to come back, after i sat down, learned some new plugins, and learned how to make crazy shit.

...i sorta lost focus a bit there oop. but yeah, techdog still holds such a special place in my heart and its so often that ill still revisit some of the songs cause they go hard as fuck. especially those from 4, 5, and 7, theres some songs in there that i absolutely adore. if i had to rank my enjoyment of each album nowadays casual-listening wise it would probably go 4 = 5 = 7 >> 6 > 1 > 3 > 2. i think theyre all great, its mostly just a vibes thing for me that has me preferring some over others.

i dont know how to end this big ass mini essay i wrote about my time experiencing techdog after saying all those things i did about it. so uhhhh... i guess thats it. maybe ill attach a wip of that scrapped techdog remix in a reblog just so it sees the light of day at all? idk

...ok yea im ending this post now