#god I love Alex's writing

[ollieofthebeholder]

listening to TMAGP 12 like

Me: Wow, that episode hit all the buttons and gave me a delightfully creepy feeling while also making me want to hug just about everyone and bumping Alice specifically several notches up my Blorbo List. Me: ... Me: I bet Alex wrote it. Post-Credit Roll: This episode was written by Alexander J. Newall... Me: Bingo.

[actual-changeling]

crowley has never felt "damned", not directly after his fall, not centuries later.

it is hard to feel damned on earth, as he had discovered, when there is sunlight on his skin and wine on his tongue. when there are joys big and small, reasons to smile, to laugh. when there's aziraphale smiling back.

unforgivable, yes. fallen for certain. unlovable, sometimes, usually right before deciding to go to sleep for a few decades with the hope it will be gone once he wakes again.

he does not believe in salvation—it is hard to see god as a saviour when you remember her ripping everything good you had ever felt out of your chest. besides, compared to earth, heaven is empty. a room with bleached floors and sterile walls, devoid of anything truly real, truly alive. so the opposite, eternal damnation, logically cannot exist either.

believe in one, believe in the other. believe in none, and you lose them both.

maybe, he had thought, maybe there is no salvation but there certainly is hope.

hoping is easy when the world is whole, when his world is whole and next to him, smiling, constant, watching him with shining eyes. it had felt natural then, to dream about a future where all of this works out—where they worked out.

crowley remembers the burning hope in his chest, more gentle than her grace but just as alive, and it had danced over his skin, feeling utterly content and at home. sunlight and smiles flowing together with bubbling joy.

he has never been further from being a demon, and yet, with his hands falling and his lungs aching, damnation becomes tangible, definable.

after burning up in the sky, in fire and flames and pools of boiling sulphur, he falls a second time. crowley sees it then, clear on his face and sharper than the claws that had ripped him open and stolen his stars from inside his heart.

fallen. unforgivable. unlovable.

"i forgive you"

damned.

there had been a holiness to living, wisps of hope and promises. all of it is gone now, taken, stolen.

they were yours anyway, he doesn't say. all of me, it was yours.

offered to him with weeping hands, open and truthful, his heart beating and bleeding and melting through his fingers. take it, he had said, it's yours. let it be yours.

angels. white-winged and perfect and whole. blessed, the definition of blessing, of holiness, of everything good.

so, crowley tells himself, if salvation exists, if i can see it crack and shatter right in front of me, whatever remains must be the opposite.

it is all he can feel, the hollow that had been him, no soul to damn and yet there he is—damned. alone. lonely. power ripples through him, tasting desperation, tasting fury and heartbreak, and he allows it, embraces it. it doesn't matter anymore.

bad. evil. a liar and an enemy and unlovable the way he is—and worst of all, unchangeable. somehow after everything, that is what broke them. maybe he has been wrong about himself all along.

damned for now and all eternity, so he might as well, right?

[pumpkin-baboo]

TMAGP 5 was written for ME

Niche movie review blog

Niche HORROR movie blog

Dad showed kid horror movies way too young and then created a huge bond over horror as a whole genre

Lost media

Weird Maybe Sentient Movie Theater?

Bullying The Babadook (I love her, but I have a lot to say about that movie)

Made me think about HHN

Made me think about Phantom Of the Megaplex

Found Footage Horror

This one episode was better than the entirety of Skinamarink and I won’t go into that further

WELCOME TO MY TWISTED MIND

[veikkoalen]

fuck marry kill but it's alex and casey and aleksi

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

oh my god oh my god oh my GODDDDDD i can’t BELIEVE i found these on my little rainy october thrift shop wander this morning. like, one would have been more MORE enough. but both?? at once??? i am quite simply floating and may never touch back down to earth

[squarebracketsmileyface]

taps on ur shoulder any mh thoughts or hcs spinning around in your head rn

Honestly, I love thinking about trans Alex Kralie so much, usually transfemme Alex because, like, look at that guy, especially in that one video where he was with Amy, "he" was She in that video I believe it with my whole soul.

But like, just thinking about Alex being closeted transfemme and in a big ol' polycule where she's the hinge partner between Amy and Jay, Tim and Brian (so Amy is Tim, Brian and Jay's metamour) like, just thinking about Alex coming out to Amy first, not because she thinks the boys wouldn't be accepting, or even that she thinks Amy would be more accepting than they would, just because to come out to any of the boys she'd then feel obligated to come out to all of them at the same time, she wouldn't want to tell one of them before the others, so she'd have to tell them all at once and that feels too big. So she just comes out to Amy first.

And that goes super well, and it's so much less scary than she thought it'd be. So she comes out to Amy and Amy starts offering to take her clothes shopping, or buy stuff for her if she doesn't feel comfy enough to buy her own stuff. She teaches Alex how to do her make up (and they definitely do that think like that one photo, with Amy sitting in Alex's lap to do her lipgloss for her and Alex has a huge sapphic crisis over it and gay panics for half an hour because holy shit her girlfriend is so fucking gorgeous and she's sitting on her and her face is so close to Alex's, and she's doing her lipgloss for her and oh my god Alex needs to kiss her and mess up that lipgloss immediately)

So it goes like that for a few months, with only Amy knowing, and Alex is slowly getting more and more comfy in herself. She knows how to do her own eyeliner and mascara, she knows how to use foundation and contour now, and she pretty much never leaves the house without nail polish any more because it just makes her feel so pretty, and if anyone asks she can say she's "just a guy who's not scared to wear nail polish, fuck off alright?"

But obviously, eventually she feels kinda ready to tell her other partners. Amy offers to go with her, and Alex agrees immediately because god she's so nervous, even though she knows it'll all go absolutely fine. Like, Tim is trans himself, of course it'll go fine, literally how could it not, Alex already knows all her boyfriends are totally fine with dating someone who's trans. But that obviously doesn't stop the nerves. So Amy picks her up a bit early and takes her out for a little cafe date to try and help her calm her nerves: "A coffee date without the coffee because it'll just make you even more nervous and jittery. You're getting hot chocolate and that's final."

So they have their little no coffee coffee date and head on to go meet up with the others, and Alex is so nervous, like, knee bouncing, fingers tapping, picking at the skin around her nails so that she doesn't pick off the nail polish that she put on the night before. And Amy just leans over and kisses her once they're parked up outside Brian and Tim's apartment, which is where they all agreed to meet because it's the biggest of everyone's places.

Amy and Alex knock on the door and Alex is panicking over the outfit she chose to wear, even though it's her favourite outfit and Amy constantly reminds her how utterly gorgeous and pretty and so hot she is in it (and out of it). Jay's the one who answers the door and he just kinda stares at Alex for a moment like, cartoon heart eyes floating off the ground drooling at the sight of a beautiful woman, because he's a total fucking loser and gorgeous women are his weakness (gorgeous men too, but right now all he can think is "holy fuck Alex is wearing a skirt and lipstick. I MUST KISS.")

So like, they get into the apartment and the whole conversations goes absolutely fine, just like Alex knew it would, and Amy had promised it would. And the day just ends with the whole polycule (missing Sarah, because I fully believe she's in this polycule too, except she's only dating Amy and Jessica, and not Alex or any of the boys so she wasn't massively needed for this conversation) the whole polycule all cuddled up on and in front of the couch, with Alex in the middle getting just absolutely doted on because they all saw how much she was shaking and how anxious she was and just NEED to show her how loved she is. Like, everyone seems to need to have at least some part of themself touching her at all times, whether it's fingers laced between hers, their head on her shoulder, a hand on her thigh fiddling with the hem of her skirt, whatever.

And she just feels so happy. Like, she's pretty sure she's never been more in love and she can't WAIT to start wearing make up and more feminine clothes in front of her boyfriend's because she KNOWS that they'll all just trip over themselves to do what she wants. Because they already did that anyway, and she knows from their initial reactions to seeing her all dolled up that that'll just get worse as time goes on :]

As in, if she wants kisses, she will have all three of her boyfriend's waiting in line because she's wearing lipstick and they're obsessed with getting lipstick marks on their cheeks and necks and stuff. Bonus points if it's black lipstick she's wearing, Jay goes nuts over it. Amy says she looks prettiest in dark red lipstick, and absolutely takes any excuse to climb on top of her to apply it herself before they make out just so she can see it all smeared and messed up afterwards. Amy is very gay for her girlfriend who could 100% flip them over at any second but just Doesn't because she likes looking up at Amy and seeing her smile :]

[twopercentboy]

how it feels when you're hyperfixating on a really small fandom with very little fanart or fanfic

[seattledaytwo]

Happy Sunday, I offer you some fluff of my favorite girls!! <3

[tethered-heartstrings]

just want to let everyone know in some amount of hours I will be on a plane to visit @willgrahamscock and I'll get to her apartment at a very reasonable hour (3am) and then I'll be there for like 3 weeks. may go more quiet on here or more insane. if I don't come back please know I went out having a good time. <33

[actual-changeling]

No matter how many nightmares Ellie has, how many times she wakes up screaming, how many times she screams and doesn't snap awake - Joel comes to her.

In the early evening when she accidentally falls asleep reading a new Savage Starlight comic he got for her, he races up the stairs taking two steps at a time and holds her in the dying sunlight until she can think of the stars and no longer sees blood.

Hours past midnight, street lamps long turned off, when her cries are quiet and small, Joel still notices, still crosses the handful of feet between their bedrooms and lets her cling to him for the rest of the night.

In the sweltering summer when all physical contact only traps heat between them and leaves them sticky with sweat, Joel keeps her pressed against him for as long as she needs, sharing his body heat and comfort just like he does in the coldest winter months.

Ellie calls out his name during the day with joy glowing in her voice and he responds with the same urgency as always, following the promise of her smile with his own lighting up his face. She asks questions and requests hugs, tells pun and teases him when he looks up despite knowing she is only doing it to fuck with him, and sometimes, when the doubt settles back into her bones against her best efforts, she says Joel with a rare vulnerability laced into her voice, only letting out the breath she was holding when he still responds, still comes over, still loves her.

There are days when she waits for him to grow tired of her, fearing the time she asks for him and he refuses to seek her out, to follow her call to wherever she is, but no matter how long she waits, he always comes.

Always.

Doesn't it bother you, she whispers one night, that I need you this much?

Joel brushes her hair out of her face and presses his forehead against hers, one hand cupping her jaw and tracing the line of her cheekbone before he leans back again to leave a kiss right below her temple.

Doesn't it bother you, he whispers back, that I need you that much I'm always here, no matter what?

Ellie falls asleep curled up against his chest, face buried in his neck, and when they drift apart in their sleep, she reaches out from the middle of her dreams, a silent call, trusting that Joel will pull her back into his embrace and carry her to the next morning.

He does.

[patron-saints]

crawl like a sinner (a riza/lust fanmix)

falling in love with someone who could never love you back is the exact kind of curse lust would wish upon her worst enemies. it is also something she thought she’d never experience.

listen on: spotify or youtube cover art in collaboration with: @amotleycrew

——— tessellate - alt-j triangles are my favorite shape / three points where two lines meet gimme what i want - miley cyrus pleasure leads to pain / to me they’re both the same hatchet - archive you could aim between my eyes and i’d still be yours to have looking too closely - fink truth is like blood underneath your fingernails / you don’t wanna hurt yourself hearts a mess - gotye but i’m desperate to connect / and you, you can’t live like this  hold me tight or don’t - fall out boy when your stitch comes loose / i wanna sleep on every piece of fuzz and stuffing that comes out  piece of shit - wet leg  and you are not in love, but it’s close enough  did it to myself - orla gartland now you're living in my memory / living in my mouth / living in the four fucking walls of my house october - the crane wives take my word, but keep the upper hand / i know you, you're the daughter of a lonely man blood orange - freya ridings could a life be like this, even with you?

[bugwolfsstuff]

Found this in my files would anyone like me to write this?

[aritany]

i’m beginning to think there’s a kind of indestructibility that comes with the territory of your first heartbreak being from your parents.

like, what are you going to do to hurt me? my superheroes chose religion over me. good try though

[abrthephantomq]

You know what, IZ fandom

I had a thought

Zim isn't like, a space bug.

Zim's a space bug AI. His personality is preprogrammed into his pak and we all know that and that he's defective, etc etc.

So if he's AI, would the fact that he's truly a sentient being be the result of a computer virus?

....what if Dib was defective, too?

[brionyjae]

Fandom: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020) Relationships: Alex Mercer/Reggie Peters Characters: Alex Mercer, Reggie Peters Additional Tags: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, like just a dash of h/c bc i can't help myself lol, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon, pre-prom feels, Reggie Peters Has ADHD, it's not explicitly mentioned in this fic but it's how i write him!

Summary:

Written for the prompt: "And on that note, we're going to stop having this conversation." Prom is approaching, and Alex is trying his best to pretend he's fine with not having a date. Luke and Bobby both have dates, which is fine, it's not like Alex thought the band was going together or anything. Reggie notices, however, because of course he does.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

I both love and hate the way Sorry it's locked has just completely taken over my brain. I think about it fucking constantly. On the plus side tho, I found another song that reminds me of it: dogbird by Madds Buckley.

Like, I heard it and went, oh this is Jay thinking about himself and Tim, but then like, I thought about it more and it's actually more like Alex's point of view on himself and his relationship with Jay. It's so evil. I love it.

Like, damnit I wanna do a whole thing on each lyric and how it relates to Jaylex hang on 💀 this is probably gonna end up too long.

It has, in fact, ended up pretty long. Also warning for mentions of sex and kink etc, nothing graphic, but just in case you don't know what Sorry It's Locked is

Alex being the dog and Jay being the bird just makes sense honestly. Like, especially from Alex's pov, Jay is fragile, but also free (from the self hatred that is eating Alex alive) like a bird and Alex is scared of breaking him, even though he also knows just how much Jay can actually take. He knows Jay's tough as nails, but he also sort of sees him as fragile, not because he is, but because Alex wants to be able to protect and care for him properly. But Alex is a dog, he has sharp teeth and claws and everything he tries to do just ends up with Jay getting hurt (usually emotionally, because both of them enjoy the physical stuff) so his self hatred gets worse and he hurts Jay more.

Then the events of Marble Hornets happen and Alex can turn it around because now hurting Jay is the right thing to do, because it'll drive Jay away and stop him from dragging himself into this mess, which means Alex won't have to kill him to save him.

Okay, anyway, lyrics:

Like, with this bit it's Alex talking about how scared he is, because in Sorry It's Locked he's fucking terrified of EVERYTHING. He's scared of the operator, he's scared of losing Jay, he's scared of keeping Jay, he's scared of everything, so he lashes out, digs his claws in to try and drive Jay away, because that'll keep Jay safe from the operator, if he stops investigating etc.

Also "I cry when something shakes the walls" to me is very much Alex being all alone dealing with all the shit from the operator, not knowing when it'll show up again etc. So any noise in his house that he's not expecting is terrifying to him.

[Chorus]

This can go for Alex precanon or during Sorry It's Locked, honestly.

He feels guilty for how he treats Jay, even though he knows they both enjoy the rougher, more kinky sex, but he also has always made sure that they never got too genuinely close and intimate (like kissing or cuddling properly, or Jay staying the night, or them fucking in a bed etc) because it scared Alex that he liked Jay like that, that he wanted to be gentle with him. (Internalised homophobia precanon, and then fear for Jay's safety from the Operator during)

He knew that if Jay stayed the night he'd be quiet and gentle and kind to Alex, and Alex didn't know how he'd ever cope with that. So he just made sure he'd never have to cope with that.

Now during Sorry It's Locked Alex wishes that Jay had never met him because he knows how much he's hurt Jay emotionally. He wants Jay to hurt him back but he knows Jay never will, either because Jay's too much of a nice person (eh) or because he's too scared of Alex, especially given everything he kind of now knows Alex has done.

Alex wishes Jay would leave of his own accord, but he knows Jay never will. He has to drive him away, and the only way he can think to do that is to hurt him so bad that Jay will hate him. Hence the kisses and then Alex lashing out in the kitchen and saying he was pretending it was Amy. (I hate him. I want to give him therapy.)

More stuff about precanon Sorry It's Locked Jaylex in this one, specifically Alex and his internalised homophobia and fear of coming out to anyone or letting anyone know he and Jay were anything to each other. He'd want to say he wasn't ashamed, but nah he definitely was, not ashamed of liking Jay, or not only that. He was also ashamed of the fact that he didn't stand up to anyone when they made jabs or digs towards him or Jay. Also, homophobic family, because he just seems like the type, and it's my fic so I can say that he had a homophobic family.

BUT, because of said family, Alex knows that his own self hatred will hurt Jay too, so he's apologising to Jay for the fact that he's still unable to sort his shit out, so he's still on the leash and choking on his own homophobia and self hatred and he's trying not to let it get onto Jay, but he can't really. He feels like there's nothing he can do except hurt jay. It's just his nature. His breed. And Alex is scared to try and step outside that. Hence him leaping at the chance to be with Amy.

(Tho he DID love her, a lot, a lot a lot and at the time he didn't even realise he was at least partly so eager to date her as an excuse to get away from his feelings for Jay, he figured that out later on and actually talked to Amy about it. Because I swear to god Alex got at least one healthy relationship in this damn fic. He deserves it, and Amy's perfect for it)

Anyway, Alex was scared to try and push past his own self hatred, even though he kind of knew (and definitely knows now) that not doing so will just leave Jay even more hurt and "crushed at his side"

Then it's the chorus again, with the same meanings as before.

The whole thing with habits and instincts? The bell ringing and mouth watering? Alex feels like he's been trained to hurt Jay, like no matter what he does he can't help but hurt Jay even though that's the last thing he wants to do. Then the Operator shows up and Alex has no choice, he HAS to hurt Jay to keep him safe, just like he had to hurt and kill so many other people to save them. He wants Jay to hate him. He wants Jay to be afraid of him, anything that'll stop Jay coming back and dragging himself into all the shit that's happening.

But then Jay isn't scared, or he IS, but he's not scared enough, and he's definitely not scared enough of Alex. And Alex can't decide whether he's glad about that or not. Because on the one hand he NEEDS jay to be scared of him, but emotionally he doesn't WANT jay to be scared of him because he likes him and he really wants them to work their shit out, but the time's wrong and it's not safe for Jay to stay.

He feels bad for how he has to treat Jay to try and scare him off, then feels hideously guilty for it afterwards because god what a monster he must be to treat someone he loves like that. Then he feels all sorry for himself and then feels bad for feeling sorry for himself lmao.

Wishing that little songbird was still mine, basically what happens with Alex after chapter two is him losing his shit over the fact that Jay's gone again, and Alex feeling like absolute dogshit because they went full circle. They fell apart in uni, didn't see each other for ages, saw each other again, picked up where they left off, fucked everything up, and now Alex has lost Jay for good. Because this time he HAS to make sure Jay doesn't come back because it's genuinely soooooooooo unsafe because of the Operator and if Jay comes back Alex will have no choice but to kill him. (He blocks Jay's number etc so that Jay can't contact him and try to arrange a time they can meet up again etc)

ALSO "my love is sick"??? Also very Alex feeling like there's something wrong with how he loves, because in the end he's hurt and/or killed everyone he's loved. Like, damn this poor man would have SO many issues if he survived, maybe I'm gonna be doing him a favour by killing him in the fic I have planned for around entry 80-85 💀

This shit's so messy and it probably makes no sense but I don't care I needed to get it out of my head, and it was gone midnight when I wrote this lmao