#go put your dick in a pencil sharpener

[spockeye-fierce]

Weirdos

[strniohoeee]

Rouge

Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Chris wants his makeup done for fun by Y/N. However things don’t go to plan, and some events take place….💜 requested by @mammon-lovesjade1

Warnings⚠️: This is smut…just two best friends fucking….you know the norm😁

Song for the imagine: Coming Down-The Weeknd

⚠️This is an 18+ imagine so minors do not interact, or do??⚠️

The party’s finished and I want you to know

(I’m all alone)

I’m feelin everything before I got up

I always want you when I’m

(Coming down)

The one thing I loved the most more than filming content or hanging with my friends was doing my makeup. It was so relaxing, and made me feel so pretty. My whole channel and TikTok was based on get ready with me’s and makeup tutorials

I had just finished filming TikTok’s with some new makeup I got when I saw Chris commented on one of my videos. “Ouuu me next please” it read. I replied back to him to tell him I was down.

Chris came over fully ready to get glammed up, and I found it adorable. He was really my best friend. He let me try new hair products on him, new nail products, skin care products. I mean just about anything, so him wanting his makeup done made me excited.

I think he truly enjoyed physical touch as a form of an affirmation of one’s love for him, but he’d never admit that. He was sitting on my vanity chair as I was hunched over trying to do his makeup

“Ouch you keep poking me in the eye with that damn thing” he said flinching

“I’m sorry, I’m hunched over” I said laughing and covering my mouth

“Want me to stand up?” He asked me

“No because then you’ll be too tall” I said back

“Oh so then sit on my lap” he said nonchalantly

This made my throat run dry. I mean I wasn’t sure that I had a crush on Chris, but I found him super attractive. We were only friends so this request seemed a bit too intimate for my liking.

“No it’s fine” I said looking for a makeup brush

“I don’t want your back hurting or to keep getting poked in the eye so sit” he said looking at me

“Alright whatever” I said and sat on his lap

Chris didn’t touch me, or make me feel uncomfortable. However my thoughts were running wild. Our groin areas are so close to one another. Had I slid up more my pussy would be directly over his dick, and this sent a shiver up my spine.

Chris and I continued to talk and laugh as I did his makeup. Subconsciously I kept scooting up on his lap not even realizing what I was doing. I went to draw on his lip with a lip liner when he jumped causing me to jump as well and land on his dick again

“Fuck” he said bringing his finger to his lip

“I’m sorry, what did I do?” I said giggling

“That pencil gave me a splinter or some shit, ow” he said laughing

I looked down at the pencil and saw it needed to be sharpened

“Oh my god I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize it needed to be sharpened” I said laughing again

“That shit scratched the fuck out of me” he said touching his lip again

“Let me see it” I said

He moved his hand away and I leaned in closer to see his lip. There was the tiniest little scratch but nothing to draw blood

“It’s nothing you’re okay just a scratch” I said rubbing his top lip with my thumb, not realizing how seductive this move was

“How about gloss instead?” He said laughing

“Ouu okay” I said leaning over to grab a gloss, and it was only then did I feel a sudden hard bulge on my inner left thigh.

I swallowed thickly as I froze. My eyes went wide. Does he really have a boner? Or am I going crazy, I thought to myself. Do I address it or not?? I decided to ignore it grabbing the lip gloss and turning to him

Chris’ eyes looked different almost like his pupils were dilated and they had a glossy cast over them. Y/N get it together please!

I applied the clear gloss to his lips

“Okay perfect your lips look great” I said closing the bottle and putting it back

“Do they?” He asked me in a gruff tone

“They do” I said looking down at his lips

“Just kiss me then you’re begging for it” he said jokingly

“Chris you literally have a hard on right now shut up” I said rolling my eyes

His eyes went wide and his cheeks flushed red

“Shut up I thought you didn’t notice” he said looking away and laughing

“Mmm it’s pretty hard not to notice it, I’m sitting right on it” I said looking down

“I’m sorry, just the moving around and the touching it got me going” he said

“It’s okay….maybe I like it” I said licking my lips

“Oh?” He questions cocking his head to the side

I looked him up and down before crashing our lips together. Chris immediately kissing back as his right hand came up to cheek pulling me in closer.

I subconsciously started to grind down on him as his lips moved from my mouth to my neck leaving wet open mouthed kisses. Chris slid his hands up my shirt wrapping his hands around my torso and pulling me down to grind harder

“Shit Chris” I moaned out at the friction

“Can’t you see what you do to me” he said against my skin as his eyes traveled up to look at me

“I didn’t know I had a such an affect on you” I said biting my lip as he left kisses on my collarbones

“Big time baby, big time” he said running his hands down to my ass and squeezing

Chris pulled away, and I immediately pulled my shirt off and my bra. His eyes darted down to my breast as he cupped them in his hands, kneading and toying with them.

“Fuck” I moaned out licking my now dry lips

Chris brought his mouth to the valley of my breast kissing and licking before taking my right nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue, and moaning against me. I could feel how wet I had become from this action alone causing me to grind down onto Chris harder

“Take your shirt off” I said in a hushed tone

Chris pulled away and removed his shirt, I immediately leaned forward and left wet opened mouth kisses along his neck and upper chest. His head leaned back as his grip on my ass strengthened

“Mama I need more” Chris croaked out, this immediately making my heart pound and my pupils dilate. “Mama”?? Fuck this was so hot

I slid off of Chris and slipped my pants off leaving myself in my underwear as I got back on his lap. Pushing my very wet cunt against his dick

“So wet for me” he moaned out looking into my eyes

“Always baby” I said grinding down on him

Feeling his dick so vividly through his thin sweatpants and thin boxers. My underwear were soaked, and I’m sure it left a mark….

Chris attached his mouth to my left nipple as I slowly grinded against him. I swear I was about to cum from this alone.

“I’m going to cum from this alone” I panted out

He released me with a smile spread across his face.

“Get up” he said tapping my thigh

I lifted off of Chris and he slid his pants down along with his underwear. His dick springing up, and my jaw dropping. Fuck he was hung….ive been missing out on this??

He started to stroke his dick while looking at me

“I’m ready when you are” he said

Part of me couldn’t take him serious because he had makeup on and was about to fuck me, but the other part couldn’t take my eyes off his dick, and how badly I needed it

I slid my panties off and walked back over to him, lining myself up with his dick, and slowly sinking down. I had never rode a guy sitting in a chair, but this new feeling felt amazing

His dick curved perfectly enough to push against my g spot, and my clit was hitting his pubic bone perfectly….god this needs to be a position I constantly do

Chris helped me bounce up and down on his dick as we both let out shaky moans. Why am I fucking my bestfriend, and how did this happen so fast, and why don’t I want it to end???

“Fuck Chris just like that” I moaned against his lips

He was gripping my hips and grinding me against him, his dick hitting all the right places.

“Come on mama” he cooed in a raspy voice

My stomach tightened at the pet name again. My mouth falling slack as my brows furrowed

All thought could be heard was our breathing, our skin smacking and the chair scratching against the floor slightly

I began to bounce on Chris dick as he massaged my breast. My body shuddered as I continued to ride him

“Oh fuckkk” I whined out gripping onto his shoulders harder

“You got this, come on” he said biting his lip

I started to get close to my orgasm, so I began to grind against him. My clit hitting his pubic bone in all the right places. His dick kissing my G spot and I swore I was seeing stars.

“I’m going to cum” I moaned out my breathing becoming heavier

“Okay baby, come on” he said looking at my face up and down, taking his bottom lip into his teeth and helping me grind down harder

My upper body shuddered as I clenched around him. Falling into his chest as I came all over his dick. His name spilling from my lips like a chorus as I ran my fingers into his hair pulling at the roots. My thighs and legs shaking as my vision went blank and my hearing went dull. This was the best orgasm I’ve ever had, and it was on Chris’ dick…

Taking shaky breaths as I came down from my high I leaned back looking at Chris with fucked out eyes. I slowly slid off of him and got down on my knees

“What are you doing baby?” He asked

“I want you to cum for me” I said looking up at him

Chris eyebrows raised and he swallowed thickly.

“Okay…yeah” he said biting his lip

He began to stroke his dick and moaning out my name as his jaw fell slack. His lower abdomen began to contract and his thighs got a bit shaky

He stroked harder, and soon his brows furrowed and he looked me in my eyes.

“I’m gonna cum” he said

I opened my mouth and stuck my tongue out, Chris’ eyes lighting up.

Suddenly he came, painting my tongue with his seed as my name fell from his mouth like a mantra.

I swallowed as he leaned back, his breathing becoming shallow as he tried to catch his breath.

“I can’t believe I fucked my best friend” I said getting up and walking over to him running my hands through his hair

“I can’t believe you fucked me while I had makeup on” he said laughing

“I mean hey it didn’t even smudge, look at that my waterproof makeup routine is now sex proof” I said laughing

“Glad we tested it out” he said winning at me

I rolled my eyes as a blush crept up on my neck. I pulled Chris up by his hand

“Let’s shower” I said

He wrapped his hands around my waist as we walked to the bathroom, kissing me on my neck as we waddled

I think I liked this. Fucking my best friend, not dating but also knowing we wouldn’t fuck anyone else. It felt right to me….Chris was going to be the death of me…

The End

ALRIGHTTTT I hope you enjoyed this one🤭. I love yall sooo much, and I’m less than 50 people away from 1,000 followers. When I tell you this is fucking insane. I’m so grateful for all of yall. Love yall dearly🤭🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[someinstant]

Things Teaching Public High School in the US for More Than a Decade Has Taught Me:

Everyone thinks teachers spend all their money on, like, markers and shit. And maybe that's true in elementary school, but do you know what I spend an absurd amount of money on? Plug-in air fresheners, because thirty sophomores crammed in a room with the heat blasting after half of them have PE is rough. Endless bottles of hand sanitizer. Tissues. SO MANY TISSUES. And at least one electric pencil sharpener a year because they keep breaking mine. And also those black metal binder clips. Those are fucking gold.

The $300 federal tax deduction for classroom supplies is hilarious and infuriating, and I will never not take it because fuck you why am I the one buying the pencil sharpener?!

You will have the wake-up-late-for-a-math-exam nightmare for your whole life. But also, if you're a teacher, you get anxiety dreams where your department head tells you you're teaching AP Chem and Spanish IV next semester in addition to your normal courses, and Dream!You will be absolutely terrified-- not because you have to teach courses outside of your area of certification, but because you're going to have a minimum of three preps with one planning period.

To-do lists will save your life and (some part of) your sanity when you are trying to keep track of IEPs and 504s and HHB meetings and also figuring out when the three clubs you sponsor can meet and also AP study sessions and test make ups and also you're in charge of your subject area's collab group and also somehow two faculty committees that you're pretty sure you never volunteered for, they just happened, and there's the faculty meeting next Tuesday and also Open House and you need to call three parents about student grades, and also it will take you about five years to realize this because you're dumb and young and think you will just magically be able to remember what needs to happen when. No you won't, you dipshit. Get a planner, get a calendar, get a Post-It note or seven, and write that shit down.

Teenagers are hilarious. They're amazing. They're terrible, but also going through this insane transformative experience and you have a fucking front row seat to cheer them on as they steadily become less and less terrible and finally find out they're just-- fantastic. On bad days, they're the best part of the gig.

Everyone cries in their car in October at least once. It's normal teacher behavior, especially in the first few years. It's not good, but it's what happens when you have a month with no days off and everything starts to come due in terms of IEPs and grades and also it's ALWAYS Homecoming, which means there's the pep rally bullshit and Spirit Week and also the dance-- which you might have to chaperone god help you-- and for some reason the College Board also has dictated that this is PSAT season? So we all lose an instructional day to that, and-- yes. Everyone cries in their car in October. You're not weird. You're just very, very tired.

Amazingly, if you explain to students what you're doing and why you're doing it, they will generally be more engaged and focused and get more out of what you're doing. This goes for an activity, a full lesson, a unit of study, and the course as a whole. Show them what you're trying to build up front. Show them how you're putting things together. And if the thing you are doing doesn't directly connect to the long- and short-term goals of the course, redesign what you're doing. Students know when work is bullshit, and so do you.

Some of your students won't like you, sometimes. It's okay. Doesn't mean you've got to be a dick about it. Do your job and teach them anyway.

You will absolutely have some colleagues whose possession of a teaching license will befuddle you. If you have your shit together, they're likely to tug at your sleeve and constantly ask for material or help or whatnot, and it is going to be ENORMOUSLY annoying, because jesus, Susan, you're twenty years older than I am, how do you not know how to teach the Scientific Revolution by now? You might become the Tech Help Desk. You might have to show your colleagues how to use the digital testing program EVERY DAMN UNIT for THREE FUCKING YEARS because somehow they always forget and come running to your classroom while you're in the middle of teaching second period because they forgot how to publish to the assessment platform yet again. (Obviously not a personal example from this week or anything.) Here is the thing to remember about this: these annoying colleagues teach kids. And those kids do not deserve to get a shitty education because their teacher is Professor How Do I Use PowerPoint. Help your colleagues. It's okay--and good-- to draw boundaries so you don't murder them, but share your shit. Forward that fucking email to them for the seventeenth time, because it won't be you or they who ultimately suffer-- it'll be the kid in the back corner of the classroom who doesn't ever effectively learn about chattel slavery and exploitative labor and colonialism.

Let your students see you love what you're doing. Let them see you geek out over Olmec subtractive sculpture or physics or economic systems or that creepy Faulkner story about the lady who murdered her lover and then slept next to his corpse for the rest of her life. Let your students see that you love them. Tell them you're proud of them, and mean it. Some of them don't hear that enough. Care enough to be disappointed when your kiddos make bad choices (because some will and it will break your heart), care enough to be angry as hell about the puritanical debates over what books are allowed in your school library, care enough to let that kid talk your ear off about League of Legends or some anime thing you don't watch-- and care enough to look at your endless to-do list and say, "I can address the rest of this tomorrow. I'm going home to rest, now," because you can't do anything else if you've not done that.

[brehaaorgana]

tip for art and craft supplies!:

If you live near a city it's worth searching to see if there's a used/recycle art supply shop or exchange near you. Some of them even sell online!

A few random examples with a quick Internet search:

https://makeandmendshop.com/

https://www.indigohippo.org/shop

https://artdillo.com/

http://www.creative-resale.com/site/

Try searching creative reuse, or creative recycle centers. You can find alllll sorts of stuff. (I have a classmate in my painting class who decided to make a mini-community "art supply" library in front of her house. She stocks it herself for people to have free art supplies.)

There are dedicated places for cheap hobby supplies!

More generally, Facebook buy nothing/other community free groups (or craigslist) are abundant in options and friendly people. Goodwill also has a huge online website, & eBay has loads of used lots of supplies.

More advice:

With new "fine art" supplies (drawing, painting, etc) it's important to know that almost everything at big box craft stores (Michaels, joann's, hobby lobby, AC Moore, etc) is listed at or near full MRSP and is going to be wildly overpriced in comparison to ordering from an actual art supply store (Dick Blick's, Jerry's Artarama, Cheap Joe's, Artist & Craftsmen Supply, etc).

For example, the high quality artist (professional) grade watercolor brand Daniel Smith Introductory set is listed at $66.99 at Michael's. The same exact set is $37.59 right now at Blick's. This is a "fancy" brand, but this also applies to craft/student grade (and less high quality) brands. The 24 color Koi pocket field sketch box is $42.99 at Michaels. But at Blick's, it's $25.20. (these might still be out of budget, but like, just illustrating the point that big box craft stores hugely overprice shit.)

If you're basing the prices of art supplies based on what you see inside your local Michael's, keep in mind that that's often almost double the price it might be elsewhere at full price. The 20-30% off coupon might have you still paying more than elsewhere for a brand new product! And you'll be able to find even cheaper used/recycled!

The other thing to do with fine art supplies is to read artist reviews for recommended student/academic grade lines, and to find out what *kinds* of supplies to invest in. Ask artists for advice!

For example, you don't want to try to paint watercolor on printer paper. (watercolor paper can be used as a mixed media paper, but it won't handle all media equally.) Things like: good watercolor paper is more important than the most expensive watercolor paint. Cheap drawing paper will always be better to draw on than printer paper. Lots of student grade oil paints are excellent. Some art store generic brands are also really good. (Iirc Plaza brand is produced by the more expensive Jack Richeson company). Knowing that helps you find good stuff used.

Oh also: art supplies don't need to look "neat and unbroken" to be perfectly usable. Pastels broken? So what? You should be breaking them and sanding them when you use them. People break them on purpose for detail work and smaller sizes all the time. Pastel dust mixed up the colors? Put them in rice and shake em to help clean their colors. Or use sandpaper to sand off the outsides. Pencils or charcoal broken? Doesn't matter because if you'd bought them new, you'd still be taking a knife to the pencil wood to sharpen and shave them anyways. The charcoal would still be cut or sanded. Watercolors or gouache dried out? If it's in pans, spray them down with water or put drops of water on top. You may need to do it for several days to get them easy to work with again. If it dried out in a tube use an exacto to slice open the middle of the tube and use it like a pan. Oil paints dry? Add more linseed oil.

Once you know what kinds of materials you need for a particular media, and what to look for, you can start finding cheap but quality materials more easily. My latest cheap and good find was this Maruman drawing sketchbook from DAISO for $3.25. I'm using it for graphite and pencil sketching — each page has a side with "tooth" that will take the charcoal nicely, and a smooth back side for taking notes or doing smoother drawings with less layering. The paper has handled all my erasing has a nice weight, and can even take ink and a single light wash of watercolor (like watercolor pencil) without any bleed.

Every fun post on here that encourages people to have hobbies/be creative always gets an avalanche of "Some people are poor Karen" type reactions and respectfully, you're all super annoying. I've never lived above the poverty line and this is a list of hobbies I have that were cheap or entirely free:

Read books: Go to the library, lend a book from a friend

knitting, crochet, embroidery: Get some needles from the bargan store and ask around, people have leftovers from projects they'll happily give you. Thrift stores also often carry leftover fabric and other supplies. And talk about your hobby loud enough and an old lady will show up and gift you their whole collection, because there are way more old ladies with a closet full of wool than there are grandchildren who want to take up the hobby.

Origami/paper crafts: get some scrap paper and scissors, watch a youtube tutorial

walking: put on shoes open door

pilates/yoga/etc: get a mat or just use your carpet, watch a youtube tutorial

Houseplants: look online for people that swap plant cuttings. There are always people giving out stuff for free to get you started. If you're nice enough you'll probably get extra

gardening: You're gonna need some space for this one of course but you can just play around with seeds and cuttings from your grocery vegetables.

aquarium keeping is a bit of an obscure one but I got most of my stuff second hand for cheap or free and now I have a few thousand euro worth of material and plants.

drawing/art: You get very far just playing with bargan store materials. I did my entire art degree with mostly those.

writing: Rotate a cow in your head for free

cooking: again one you can make very expensive, but there are many budget recipes online for free. Look for African or Asian shops to get good rice and cheap spices.

Join a non-profit: Cities will have creative organisations who let you use woodworking machines or screen presses or laser cutters or 3D printers etc etc etc for a small fee. Some libraries also lend out materials.

candle making: You need some molds (cheap), wick, two old cooking pots for au bain marie melting and a ton of scrap candles, ask people to keep them aside for you.

a herbarium, flower pressing: Leaves are free, wildflowers too, ask if you can take from peoples gardens.

puzzles: thrift stores, your grandma probably

Citizen science: look for projects in your area or get the iNaturalist app

And lastly and most importantly: Share! Share your supllies, share your knowledge. Surround yourself with other creative people and before you know it someone will give you a pot of homemade jam and when you want to paint your kabinet someone will have leftover paint in just the right color and you can give them a homemade candle in return and everyone is having fun and building skills and friendships and not a cent is exchanged. We have always lived like this, it's what humans are build to do.

And all of it sure beats sitting behind a computer going "No stranger, I refuse to let myself have a good time."

Anyway I'm logging off bc I'm making some badges for a friend who cooked for me and then I'm going to fix some holes in everyones clothes.

[fkyumerica]

Jan 17, 2024, 7:07 PM

michael jordan was serena williams

i won the olympics in tennis

and he kept screaming no no no i won i won

i am a girl too

i am a girl still

now i can get ya girl

after touching his dick twice i got a hand shake

had two infnats pregnant

put his finger in his dick hole

sharpen that pencil in the pencil sharperner called the dick

he keeps electrocuting us with her

juno

Hugh hefners gay love triangle

He is ozzy osbourne

pat say jack hugh hefner's mother

and dad on right

hard in gladiator

and his mother on left, and in front her husband, then their dad same inbreeds in front of him

they all are

or hey number 5

number 5 gun

get the coupon

he died

peter, chad, marilyn manson, then greg with carrie/stephanie a bitch when pregnant kept farting while graduating pregnant again

cindy emily and jacob franklin jeffery went with her mom too to give her big eyes

and he doesnt see em

angela and sean scott shane corey

pregnant and fine

carrie switches with her

her mom died though

and hers too

said she fucked cindy pregnant and left greg once right to go with bobby pregnant with his kid angela is

now i got the nadia slut hair

not a 3

she hit on my boyfriend

or her mom always did

wtf

teach me how to live or i wont live

here i can give you my bracelet

no

now live with me and we can have crazy sex and screw that man over

rob him

and take your clothes again too

she would hide in it

fucking 9 guys

Jan 17, 2024, 8:09 PM

google image salami

and greek dressing

panera and a detroit restuarant brand or its only vinegeratte

[wonderlandleighleigh]

pretty please, with cherries on top, can we get a continuation of that very sad fic 🥺🥺🥺🥺

please?

"Let me guess," a familiar voice says from Lenny's right.

He'd left Kitty with his mother at their hotel, and gone for a drink because holy hell has he had a day.

And the last thing he wanted was to run into Midge's asshole of an ex-husband, but here they are at the same bar.

"Please don't," Lenny mutters.

"Midge, right?" Joel asks. "What'd she do now? She tromp all over your ability to make your own decisions? Decided it was time to fix you?"

Lenny just sips his drink.

"Let me tell ya, pal, you're better off getting out now, because she's never gonna change," Joel tells him. "She's always gonna be self-centered and she's always gonna put her own shit first."

Lenny takes another sip, thinking that over. What did Midge really stand to gain from having his mother daughter fly out? It's two more people to feed for Hanukkah dinner. It's two more people to awkwardly introduce to her already insane family.

Sure, she's been wanting to meet Ma and Kitty. She's made no secret about the fact that she wants to get to know them beyond the stories Lenny tells.

The only thing Midge would really have gained from going to the trouble of booking flights and hotels and setting up a big surprise was that she thought it would make him happy.

He rubs his eyes. "Shit."

"I warned you," Joel shakes his head. "I told you when you started seeing her you were gonna be totally steamrolled and you'd never have an independent thought ever again."

"Do you ever stop talking?" Lenny snaps, finally turning to the other man. "Is someone here paying you to air your terrible opinions, or do you just get off on this?"

Joel stares at him.

"And could it possibly be that you were miserable with Midge, because you made yourself miserable?" Lenny asks. "That you could have been happy had you opened your mouth and told her you needed things to change? instead of sticking your dick in someone who can't figure out a fucking pencil sharpener?"

"It was new!" Joel cries.

"Push pencil into sharpener! It's literally just like fucking, and she had that down pretty well, apparently!"

"Hey!"

Lenny huffs and pays for his drink quickly before storming out of the bar, catching a cab to the Upper West Side.

[h2bakugou]

hello! May I please have a Dabi x fem reader in the lov who likes to draw? I think she finds his scars and stuff to be a work of art in itself and is like (oh heck I gotta sketch this). He glances at what she’s drawing and she gets all flustered! Maybe he even takes his shirt off at one point which can lead to some other things~ (I like smut but if you think fluff fits the prompt better that’s alright with me!) Thank you and I love your writing!

a/n: hii! of course love! this is super sweet omg i love dabi, i feel like i dont capture his character very well but imma try like hell😩😩this is probably ooc for him but it’s sappy and i love it

summary: dabi’s hard to read, but that doesn’t stop you from sketching him. you find beauty in his flaws, entranced by his scars, so much so that dabi can’t help but be interested in you.

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: swearing, fluff, sappy romance bc i love this man, some spicy themes, one mention of a slight(possible? idrk what counts) manga spoiler (e.g. dabi’s past/history) (manga spoilers in tags!!)

wordcount: 2k

;cut due to suggestive themes;

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»»————-　★　————-««

It’s never been a really big secret that you liked drawing. But when it comes to working for the league, specifically, the League of Villains, your line of work doesn’t allow for very much downtime unless you’re in the midst of planning some sort of attack or rebellion.

Whether or not the league keeps hopping from rendezvous spot to rendezvous spot isn’t up to you, but you never fail to get a little used to the eerily calming silence that falls upon the league during the first twenty-four hours of the new four walls that seem to keep you safe for the time being.

With a barely sharpened pencil in your hand, a small drawing pad in the other, you’re staring at Dabi as you sketch him.

It started as a bit of a joke, maybe just teasing him since he liked to tease you about being into him since you were the only one he was really super close, if you could call being the first one he spoke to every time he saw you or the one you sought out to be paired up with during missions, ‘super close.’

But now, it was something you enjoyed.

Dabi was one among the very interesting members of the league. Something about his scars just seemed to entrance you. Pulling you in further and further down a rabbit hole of questions that you had but never let leave past your lips.

It felt wrong to ask, not that it was a bad thing to be curious, but because Dabi was just so mysterious. No one knew anything about him, or about who he was, his past, even his real name was a mystery. 

It felt wrong to disturb the unnerving peace that was Dabi. The resting expression on his features balancing on a thin cable between anger and poor personal resilience.

Dabi’s scars were the highlight of your sketches, always standing out. What the others may have thought to be ugly, or unattractive, you thought were beautiful, and emotional.

There was a story behind them, one you wanted to know, one you wanted to uncover and read, page by page, line by line, and word for word, discovering just how truly deep Dabi’s past was. But only Dabi could show you that, only Dabi could open that book for you. And you were willing to wait. You’d wait an eternity if you had too.

His rough raven hair is messy and strewn about as you scribble down his facial features, the groggy lighting making it just a tad difficult to see as you lead the pencil over the warm white paper littered with graphite covered fingerprints.

His arms are positioned on a counter, the art work resembling how he was sitting sloped against the kitchen table, elbows pressed against the dark mahogany wood, hands resting by his mouth as his cerulean eyes peer off at the cracked cement wall in front of him, occasionally glancing back at you.

The other members of the league were scattered about but it didn’t bother you. Toga asked you a couple of questions, wondering what you were doing, if you were excited about the new plans and such.

You replied quietly as to not disturb the peace.

But soon some of the members left, going off to go eat or find something to do. And soon you were among the few left behind, along with Dabi, Shigaraki and Mr. Compress.

Having almost finally finished your current sketch, you were stopped by a pair of hands picking up your drawing pad. Rough and calloused fingers drew your pad away and your attention away.

“Hey I’m not finished.” You glanced up at Dabi. Dabi just admired the talent poured into the sketch. Dabi couldn’t wrap his head around why you drew him so often, but he didn’t mind. It was kind of touching in a way.

“Is that really what I look like?” Dabi joked, handing you back your sketch pad.

“You have looked in a mirror once before, right?” You titled your head to the side, adding a bit more detail to his scars as you began to draw again. 

“A few times. But I’d rather look at you, doll.” Dabi’s hands reached down again, this time pulling at your hands. Leading you out of the room where the other two members sat, finding a way to entertain themselves, Dabi lead you up some stairs in questionable condition.

Picking a random room, he sat down on the rickety bed and waited for you to sit down.

“Why’s that?” You tease, returning to drawing, looking up at him every few seconds to reference. And to admire him.

“You’re easy on the eyes, beautiful and-”

“Are you saying you’re not beautiful, Dabi?” You stopped him, not pausing to look at him.

“I’m not beautiful, I’m gorgeous.” Dabi chuckled, shaking his head jokingly as he laid back against the bed, his head dangling off the opposite end.

“You are.” You confirm. Finally finishing up your sketch. You get up and walk over to him, handing him the finished sketch. 

“You add so much detail to my scars. They’re just scars.” The tips of Dabi’s ears flush as heat floods to his face. He’s flustered but he won’t admit it. He can’t understand why you think he’s so beautiful.

You don’t speak. For the first time, you’re speechless. You sit down beside Dabi, and now that he’s sitting up, he faces you.

You reach your hands out and gently lift one of his arms, holding one of his hands in your own. You run your fingers across the scarred flesh, gently caressing his skin. 

His hands are cold compared to your warm fingers. He’s getting chills all down his spine as you touch him. It’s not meant to be anything out of the ordinary, but he’s still shocked that he’s letting you touch him.

“Your scars are beautiful. I’m sure there’s a story, something about them that might make you hate them, but I love them, and I think they make you that much more beautiful. You are a masterpiece, every scar a carefully calculated brushstroke on a beautiful canvas.” Your words finally come out, overflowing with love. You can’t sit quietly anymore.

“Dabi you are beautiful.” Your eyes lock with his, and you can tell he’s unsure of what to do. 

Dabi no longer felt he had the ability to cry, but if he’d let himself, he would’ve done it in that moment. Being so open and vulnerable around you just happened. It came too easily, and he hated it, but he loved you.

Pulling his arm away form your warm touch, he tossed his jacket off and to the side before tearing his shirt away from his body, allowing you to see his chest, and more of his scar covered skin.

Sitting quietly with a faint blush on your cheeks, you couldn’t look away. trying to avoid staring directly at his toned chest and his nipples, you raised your hand and allowed your fingers to sink down across his sternum.

Soon your fingers were met with his abs, which the heat on your face noticed far too well. 

“Say it again.” Dabi mumbled. You lifted your head to look into his eyes again, your hand still resting against his chest.

“You are beautiful-” The moment the words left your lips, Dabi’s own lips were pressed against yours. Kissing you roughly, more than he intended too, his hands mangled into yours, pushing your arms over your head.

His heart was pounding and it felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest onto yours. Pulling away for a few seconds, Dabi’s hair covered his eyes as he looked down, finding interest in the collar of your shirt.

“I want you.” Dabi’s words were simple, but they didn’t have to be complex. You knew what he meant, and you knew what he wanted. You wanted it too. A chance to see him in a different light, with deeper meaning.

A chance to connect with him, one on one. 

“Then take me.” Your fingers intertwined with his, your arms still resting above your head. It didn’t take long for his lips to magnetize back to yours, sticking to them like glue.

When Dabi thought about sex, he didn’t come anywhere close to making love. There wasn’t that sort of option when it came to him. He didn’t think he was at all capable of love, let alone a relationship that was going to have any sort of emotional connection strong enough to make him feel stable.

But you, you were so vastly different from anyone he’d ever fucked. So different from an excuse to get his dick wet, to get his mind off of league business or heaven forbid, his past.

But you, you were what he needed, what he wanted. It was far from therapy, but it’d work. Having you around was like a drug, addicting, and he’d be going through withdrawals if he couldn’t have you.

Feeling you, touching you, fucking you, kissing you, it was fuel to his fire. He was damaged goods, broken and shattered, impossible to put together, but you were doing your best, working on the smallest parts, exercising precautions, and opening your heart to him.

Hearing his name in the form of your moans as he rutted into you, your legs wrapped tightly around his hips drove him wild, much like the way your hands tangled into his hair, forcing his head into your chest where he kissed and sucked on your skin, leaving marks.

Your moans and his own grunts of pleasure were spewing from the locked room. Dabi didn’t care if the others heard, he was enjoying the moment.

Every part of it. Every part of you, every part of your body, your words, your love. And before he knew, Dabi was at his highest, his face flush against your naked chest, breathing heavily as he inhaled your scent.

Still inside you, he didn’t move, allowing the two of you to catch your breath. It was in this moment, if Dabi allowed himself to cry, he would’ve cried a second time. He was so infatuated with you, so attached.

“I love you.” Your words scared him, causing his cerulean eyes to peak at you through locks of his noir hair.

“That’s stupid.” Dabi kissed your sternum, kissing up your chest, stopping at your neck to leave a little mark, only to meet at your lips in the end.

“How?” You ask softly, your hands massaging his scalp as his lips hover over yours.

“I can’t explain it, it just is.” Dabi frowned, trying to understand what your eyes were saying as they clouded with emotion.

“Love is complex, and I think that maybe you’ve never really had good experiences with it. If you’d let me, I could show you just how beautiful it can be.” You offer, a small smile on your lips.

“If you feel the need-”

“I do. I love you, and I want you to know love.” You kissed his forehead. Dabi eventually pulled out, not minding the mess, he’d clean up later. 

“I want you to know why I love you.” You whispered, hugging him closer to you.

“Why I love your scars, your hands, your strength, the rasp in your voice, all of it. I love.” Dabi’s arms are strung over your waist as he lays, face nuzzled in your neck. It’s a bit of a stretch for him, and he feels out of place, but it’s oddly comfortable.

The next couple of times you draw Dabi, you ask to see him shirtless again. And with every new sketch, there’s something new to be learned, for Dabi. He’s learning about love, and loving you. 

He finds that you still draw him incredibly cute, and though he won’t admit it, he loves when you draw him. He’ll pose for you if you ever ask, and you always tease him a little about how it was like he was born to be a model.

It’s a long road ahead of you, but it’s one you’re willing to take, to show Dabi just how important love is.

»»————-　★　————-««

masterlist

[bakugohoex]

“that’s literally the definition of jealous, you dumbass”

pairing: katsuki bakugo x female reader

cw: explicit language and kissing

word count: 2500+

a/n: hey this is my first one shot on tumblr, i haven’t written in almost 3 years now and i thought i should get back into it, so here i am. hope you guys enjoy it.

summary: in which bakugo finds y/n and todoroki getting closer than normal, the more he sees them together the more rage he builds up over someone who he thought was just an extra to him

↞ back to my hero academia masterlist

It wasn’t like you weren’t friends with Bakugo, you were, there had never been any formal introductions at the beginning of class 1-a, instead a quirk test. It wasn’t that it was boring to see people’s quirks but the only one that stood out was Bakugo’s, his ability to reach the top made you admire him until he opened his mouth. You had just scrapped number 2 on the stupid test something you were proud of, it being the first time you could use your quirk without damage.

He had come up to you by the end of the day, rambling on about some Deku kid who you assumed was the guy who broke his finger. “Fucking Deku” he hadn’t bothered introducing himself and instead rambled on about how much he hated this Deku kid.

“Who are you?” You look at him with the most unamusable face as he stared back watching you intensively.

“Katsuki, Katsuki Bakugo.”

“Oh, okay and why are you talking to me?” You longed out the ‘and’ questioning, why had some boy who you had just met following you and rambling about some Deku.

He stares at you as the both of you continue to walk out of UA, “you got second, just after me dumbass, you need to know that you’ll never beat me.”

“Oh, is this like a i’m not here to make friends you’re all just insignificant to my life kinda routine.” You cocked your head back in a laugh as he huffs in agreement to what you said starting to walk away.

“Nice to meet you Bakugo I’m y/n y/l/n.” The smirk that was plastered on your face making the explosive boy become even more angry.

Even with that being the first encounter with Bakugo there continued to be many more, even helping to find Bakugo after he was captured by the league of villains and the dorm system being implemented. Moments occurred where both Bakugo and you would spend lunches and breaks talking to each other even occasionally walking to and from school.

The relationship wasn’t conventional, but you were friends in some way, so when Bakugo saw something he never expected he was angry, not just normal Bakugo angry though the rage he held was something more, something he couldn’t explain.

“Todoroki look what I got last weekend?” You left your desk, your presence clearly making Bakugo turn around as he saw you sitting on Todoroki’s desk as he sat in his seat. Your legs were swinging with your skirt riding to your thighs. You were showing him something on your phone as Bakugo tried to see, angry that you were that close to that extra and even showing him your legs that were covered by your thigh highs that pushed your thighs together. “Do you like it?”

He heard Todoroki reply making his blood boil, “any guy would love that y/n”. He could hear your laugh as he turned around not wanting to see any more, as he was writing something the pen snapped before throwing it in the bin just missing Mineta who was sharpening his pencil.

This wasn’t the last time he was going to see you and Todoroki spending time together, a couple hours after the first incident he watched as he saw you with your bento box you were talking to Todoroki again, Bakugo was about to call out to you to tell you to join him and Kirishima but instead you turned around showing Todoroki your arm which has the scar that you had told Bakugo about months prior. He wasn’t jealous it was just a stupid story of you falling when you were a kid, so why was he angry again. Did he think it was some private secret between the two of you?  Todoroki and you walked to where Izuku was and sat beside them.

“Fucking Deku” He mutters as he watches you smile at a shitty joke Izuku probably said.

Bakugo stood up not wanting to see anymore knowing he’d break something again, he walked out of the lunch room as he went to get some air, his quirk wanting to be released. He hid his palms as sweat was building up, he couldn’t wait for some training later. All the pent-up anger he had would finally be gone and he wouldn’t have to see you all up in Todoroki.

As Bakugo was walking back to lunch he could hear your voice ringing in his ears, “Shoto” you face him as he smiles at you, “why does everybody like you? Is it because you’re hot and cool” you laugh as Shoto gave a smile at your idiotic behaviour, trying to supress a laugh at how bad the joke was. Bakugo didn’t want to hear your laugh especially beside Todoroki and even worse you were calling him Shoto. He was still Bakugo, why hadn’t it changed, he’d known you longer, you were friends, weren’t you?

The day continued, you were luckily paired up with Momo who wasn’t as harsh as the guys were, it went a lot quicker than usual, and as you finished getting changed, you left for the dorms. Shoto was waiting outside as you ran up smiling at him as you pushed into him your arms touching, Bakugo had come out at the same time, he was going to ask you to walk to the dorms, immediately his face fell as he saw your arms touching Todoroki.

“Everything all right.” Kirishima asked as he saw Bakugo’s face fall.

Bakugo quickly became his normal angry self, “I want to be in fucking bed.”

“Woah its not even 8PM yet.” Kirishima laughed as they walked back to the dorms.

Arriving at the dorms, Bakugo saw you and Mina on the couch, you were still wearing your uniform with you tie hanging off your neck as the front three buttons were unbuttoned, you’d taken off your shoes left in your socks that you’d brought from your knees down to your ankles.

Both of you hadn’t realised Bakugo was behind you before Mina started speaking again, “you still like him then.”

“Duh! Of course, I do, have you seen him?” You sign leaning against the couch.

Bakugo continued to listen, you liked someone? Who was it? It better not be fucking Icy Hot!

“Well I don’t know; you always hide your feelings from me.”

You look up at Mina, “Oh shut up, I need my bed, Momo hit me across the room.”

“Sounds like you’re changing the subject Y/n” You had stood up putting your socks back to your thighs as you did so.

You stick your tongue out as you flipped her off, “Fuck off.” You laugh walking out of the room.

Bakugo pretended to be walking towards you as if he hadn’t heard anything, “Hey Bakugo, I haven’t seen you all day.” You smile as he gives a scowl.

“Why would I want to see you anyway?” He crossed his arms walking past you.

Hurt. You felt hurt, you’d thought your relationship with Bakugo was improving but now it just seemed like he didn’t care about you even as a friend. “Fuck, how am I supposed to tell him I like him.” You whisper as you walk to the elevator.

The next day rolled out quickly, both Bakugo and you not even looking at each other, Bakugo would normally come in and turn around to see your face every morning, nothing this morning though. You looked down. Had you done something wrong?

You had been partnered up with Shoto which you were happy about needing a friend, the scowl on Bakugo’s face said the opposite for him. He watched as the both of you were sparring, seeing Todoroki hitting you with ice and you were hitting him back with your own quirk.

“Bakugo pay attention.” Kirishima shouted as he was running towards the explosive boy.

Bakugo kept watching before he saw you trip up on Todoroki causing the both of you to fall, you had landed on the hard chest of Todoroki, his arms wrapped around your waist, you both looked at each other staring into each other’s eyes. Your legs were inside his own, laughing in embarrassment as you both stayed in the position to work out the best way to get out of it.

That’s what started it, the blood boiling as Bakugo had watched the scene, you both laughing, finally helping each other get up, you were touching hands, arms, bodies something Bakugo hadn’t done with you. He wasn’t jealous, it wasn’t jealousy. He kept telling himself but with the explosion in his hands that flamed up into a bright yellow hue that looked like it could harm All Might himself, Bakugo threw it at Kirishima who had hardened just in time as he had witnessed Bakugo’s eyes go a blood red.

Kirishima fell to the ground as everybody saw him on the ground, “Kirishima” you say running to him alongside the whole class.

Questions came from the whole class as Bakugo stood there before storming away, you noticed the blond boy leave as you quickly followed trying to not be caught by Aizawa. Bakugo was pacing quickly away as you had to run to catch up to him.

“Bakugo.” You shout as he stops, he slowly turns around his eyes still a blood red looking to murder.

“What?” He spits out.

You walk closer to him, “Where are you going?”

“None of your damn business shitty woman.” You looked up at him before huffing.

This had been the second time Bakugo had let his feelings control his mouth in front of you and it was making it harder to see if he had any feelings back for you.

You spoke as he was looking around, “you don’t need to be a dick.”

You walk back to the class, to make sure Kirishima was fine. He wasn’t hurt that badly, but he already knew that to be partnered up with Bakugo was a cause for disaster to occur. Bakugo had come back and was shouting at something Sero had said as he had been made to partner up with Sero in the meantime. He would give sly looks at you and Todoroki who continued to talk to like a normal person would. Bakugo had finally realised that he had fucked it with you, and you were better off with Icy Hot.

After the class got dismissed you and Todoroki walked back to the dorms again, this time Bakugo couldn’t handle seeing the both of you so close, he pushed past Todoroki hitting shoulders. You look at him as Todoroki was fine but the anger you felt was building up.

“Are you okay?” You ask Todoroki as you both walk into the dorms.

“Yeah I’ve had a lot worse from Bakugo.” He laughs as you give a small smile, he walks towards his room as you go into the elevator, pressing the floor that had Bakugo’s room in.

You paced outside his room contemplating if you should even go inside and shout at him, you finally got the nerves and knocked on the door.

“Who the fuck is it?”

“It’s me.” Bakugo opens the door seeing your frame against his you were wearing you uniform with your tie stuffed in your bag that you’d chucked in your room.

“What the fuck do you want?” He hissed, you barged passed him as he rolled his eyes closing the door as you crossed your arms glaring at him.

He stood in front of you looking pissed, “What the fuck is your problem, first you hurt Kirishima and now you’re getting pissed at Todoroki, what is going on?”

He stays silent, “Really silence, Bakugo fucking tell me what’s going on, we’re…” you pause thinking, did Bakugo even class you as a friend, or where you just another extra to him. “friends.” You finally say.

“I was worried for you that’s all I just don’t want you to get close to Todoroki and get hurt cause then you’ll be sad and you won’t work to your potential and then you won’t be worthy competition.”

You stare at him, thinking of the bullshit you just heard come from his mouth, “Wut?”

“I said what I said.”

“Bakugo you do realise that doesn’t even fucking correlate together.” You look at him as he stares at you, “You’re not jealous or something.”

“What the fuck? No! Of Icy Hot? I’m better than him in every single way. He’s not good at anything, the only difference between us is that he has you and I don’t, I don’t care though, who needs you? I don’t!” The malice dripping from his tongue as he moves closer to you, you could almost feel his body heat against yours.

You look at him smugly, “That’s literally the definition of jealous, you dumbass.”

“I’m not fucking jealous.”

“Whatever.” You mutter before moving closer to him, “if you were I wouldn’t worry I only have eyes for one person…” You stand on your toes going to his ear as you can see his ears turn red, “and its most definitely not Shoto.”

You let go of him as your hands had gone to his chest, he stares down at you, “who is it then?”

Even with him asking casually you could see his eyes watching inventively, “I thought you didn’t care about me.”

“I don’t”

You start walking to his door as he looks at you, “I think I’ll ask him out actually.” You open the door but as soon as Bakugo heard those words he slams the door shut, his arm pushing the door closed as your head was just touching it.

“You are not leaving this fucking room.” He shouts as you cock your head to the side looking at him.

“And why not.” He pauses before speaking, “Don’t be a slut.”

“A slut? Don’t be jealous Katsuki.” You had said his first name without even realising, Bakugo’s eyes fell softly as he stared at you.

“Who do you like?” His arm was still on the door as he looked down almost embarrassed at ignoring your statement.

This was your chance, just say it, say his name Y/n. Do it!

“He’s here right now” You finally mustered out as he looked at you his eyes going wide, he doesn’t speak, just admired processing what he had just heard.

Your back had been to the door as his hand travelled to your throat softly grabbing it as he brought your lips to him, his lips were soft compared to your chapped lips, finally gaining moisture, the kiss became hungrier and hungrier. His hand choking you slightly as you were in between him pressed against the door, his other hand had travelled to your waist, with your hands in his hair. Slowly pushing himself onto you as you felt the kiss deepen.

You both let go to feel air before you finally spoke, the distance between your lips being a mere centimetre, “maybe I was jealous.” He spoke softly.

 “Maybe?” You give a small giggle as you both go in for another kiss, feeling his warmth and safety around you. 

If you guys want to be a part of a tag list, just reply to any post and I’ll add you xx

[spockeye-fierce]

Go put your dick in a pencil sharpener you piece of shit hillbilly.

I'm just going to say it. Kamala Harris was my first choice in 2016. She's closer to me ideologically and geographically than anyone has been. She's the only candidate in history to even get within spitting distance of me in terms of religion (she's a Buddhist and I actually respect Buddhism unlike most religions). There's a better than even chance any problem you have with her you would have with me. She's a lawyer and I'm not. Otherwise when you slam her you may as well slam me too.

[dilly-oh]

The Office War

    Kakashi had been stealing his pens again, Iruka was certain of it. His particular favorite was sitting right there out in the open on that bastard's desk, the orange one with the ugly troll cap that'd been a present from Naruto, as well as several others he'd bought at his own personal expense because the quality of pens the company provided for employees was a damn joke. Iruka had standards. 

    Those are my fucking pens, douche-bag, Iruka thought as he sat at his desk, seething with righteous fury. Get your own.

    He could see the smarmy asshole's hair poking up out of his cubicle, gray and spikey and in desperate need of brushing. As he watched, his computer chair tipped back and Kakashi came into view, lazy-eyed and tapping one of Iruka's own pens against his weird medical face-mask in thought.

    Just let it go, Iruka told himself before he could get truly riled up. He didn't need another talk with HR after the incident with Genma eating his lunches. That had gotten pretty out of hand - there had almost been a lawsuit involved. It's just a few pens, right? Nothing to start a fight over. It's not a big deal.

    And then Kakashi poked the pen under his mask and started chewing.

    That did it.

    Time to confront the bastard. With passive-aggressive guilt-tripping. 

    Iruka stood up from his cubicle and sauntered over as nonchalantly as possible.

    “Hey, Kakashi. What's up?” he greeted. Kakashi gave a distracted grunt in reply, eyes glued to his computer screen. “Sorry, can I borrow a pen?” Iruka went on, baring his teeth in challenge more than smiling. “Mine seem to be...missing.”

    “Uh-huh, yeah, sure,” Kakashi said, immediately handing him the one from his mouth, covered in teeth-marks and spit. Iruka recoiled in disgust.

    “Maybe...not that one. How about...that one?” He pointed to the orange one on his desk. Kakashi shrugged and handed it over. Iruka's eyes narrowed. Time to go in for the kill. “Wow. This pen is really nice. Where did you get it?”

    “Dunno.” Kakashi shrugged again. “Picked it up somewhere.”

    Okay, screw passive-aggressive. Time for full-on confrontational. 

    “Okay, cut the shit!”  Iruka burst out impatiently. “Those pens are mine! Give them back!” He reached over and quickly snatched them up, hugging them protectively to his chest. “And...” He paused, eyes raking over Kakashi's sloppy work station. “Is that my stapler?”

    “Oh, is it?” Kakashi said innocently. 

    “Yes it is!” Iruka snatched it away as well. “What else of mine do you have?”

    “Just some papers and binders and stuff. Oh, and I borrowed your pencil sharpener last week but it crapped out after sharpening my hundredth pencil-”

    “That was YOU?!”

    “I needed them for a seminar.” 

    “That thing cost like thirty bucks!”

    “I thought you wouldn't mind,” Kakashi said simply. 

    “Normally, no, I wouldn't, but YOU take things and KEEP them. That I mind. Plus you don't even have the common courtesy to ASK first.” Iruka turned away with a huff. “Don't touch my shit again.”

    And with that, he stomped back to his desk, arms full of his reclaimed supplies. 

    That'll teach him. 

---

    Apparently, it did not. 

    The next day, all of Iruka's paperclips were missing. He spotted them on Kakashi's desk, bent into abstract shapes. Mostly dicks. 

    That son of a bitch.

    This called for war. 

---

    After an entire weekend of planning, Iruka was ready. 

    On Monday, he took a screwdriver to Kakashi's computer chair, subtly loosening the screws at the base of the seat so it would break when tipped back at a lazy angle. He heard the crash from the break-room and almost choked on his granola bar laughing.

    On Tuesday, he drained half of Kakashi's pens of ink and rigged the other half to explode, splattering everywhere when used. All of Kakashi's reports that day were sent back and he had to stay an extra hour just to re-sign everything. 

    On Wednesday, he jammed the copy machine. Kakashi, the procrastinating prick, wasn't able to print out the dozen or so information pamphlets he needed five minutes before the important presentation. The meeting was rescheduled for the following day, much to everyone's irritation, most of all Kakashi's, who prided himself on his copying skills. 

    On Thursday, he stole every single staple in the office. Kakashi, who had finally managed to print the copies for the presentation, was forced to tape all of the papers together. The strange looks he got from the others as he passed them out was well worth the effort. 

    On Friday, he sabotaged Kakashi's coffee cup to spring a leak when he took a sip. Iruka heard him curse from across the room and looked up to see a satisfying amount of hot coffee had spilled all over Kakashi's shirt and face mask. Hissing in pain, he stood and stomped to the nearest bathroom. Iruka couldn't resist following the other man inside for a victory gloat. 

    “So...” Iruka said smugly, joining Kakashi at the sink where he was attempting to dab the stain away with wet paper-towels, “had enough?” 

    “Of what?” Kakashi asked distractedly. “Coffee?”

    “ME, you idiot! It was all me!” Iruka exploded. “Your chair, the copy machine, your coffee! All ME! Are you ready to admit defeat yet? Have you been thoroughly chastened?” 

    “Well, I'm mildly annoyed, if that counts,” Kakashi said, quirking an eyebrow. “I can't believe you went to all that trouble. You should put that effort into your work.” 

    “I should put more effort into my work?! You're the one sneaking naps in your cubicle!!” Iruka sputtered furiously, his face burning with rage, then cut off as Kakashi reached up and removed his mask and his face started burning for an entirely different reason. 

    Oh, shit. 

    Kakashi was hot. Kakashi was really hot. Kakashi was hot enough Iruka wanted to go to HR and lodge a complaint – He's too fucking hot. It's not fair. Fire his ass.

    This changes nothing, Iruka told himself as he broke into a sweat. He's still an asshole, he still deserved it all, the stupid son of a-

    “Damn. It's not coming out.” With an annoyed tsk, Kakashi smoothly removed his tie, unbuttoned his shirt, and stripped it off, his shoulders and chest rolling obscenely with the motion. Iruka's mouth went dry.

    ...This may have backfired, he thought, eyes glued to the slope of Kakashi's back as he bent over the sink, scrubbing at the stain. 

    “I...have to go,” Iruka said blankly. 

    “Well you came to the right place,” Kakashi replied, focused on his work. 

    “No. I mean. Leave. I have to leave. Like right now.” Iruka slowly backed up, hit the wall, then slithered along it til he found the door, desperately snatching at the handle, his eyes still riveted by Kakashi's sculpted chest. 

    “You're leaving early?” Kakashi glanced up at him. “Aren't you out of earned time?”

    “Just take it out of my paycheck gotta go bye,” Iruka blurted before finally wrestling the door open and tumbling out into the hallway, shoving past a confused intern as he bolted towards the exit. 

---

    The sight of Kakashi shirtless haunted Iruka all weekend long.

    He considered calling in sick on Monday, but didn't because Kakashi was indeed correct – he had no more sick leave left after Naruto gave him food poisoning for his birthday by being cheap and trying to bake a cake. 

    Also, he wasn't a coward. 

    So, come Monday morning, he marched right back into the office at 8 A.M on the dot, rode the elevator with his head down, pointedly ignoring everyone while also on the lookout for a certain silver-haired individual, and walked straight to his desk.

    Which was covered in a stunning array of brand-new office supplies. Pens, mechanical pencils, highlighters, large and small paperclips, all sitting there still wrapped in plastic with that new-store smell. Iruka almost burst into tears at the sight.

    “Whose dick did you suck to get all those?” Izumo whispered, his voice thick with jealousy.

    “No-one's!” Iruka snapped at him as he sat down, mystified. He tentatively picked up a box of pens, delighted to see they came in a variety of colors. 

    “Do you like them?” Kakashi asked, leaning in over his shoulder. “I was gonna get flowers, but I figured you'd appreciate these more.”

    “Kakashi!” Iruka bolted up out of his chair like he'd been shocked. Which, frankly, he had been. “Wait. You did this?” He gaped at the other man in disbelief, then his stomach dropped like a weight. Oh, God, of course this wasn't real. It was too good to be true. The supplies were probably all fake, rigged to break or explode or-

    “It was the least I could do to apologize.” 

    “...Apologize?” Iruka blinked. “Why?”

    “Some kid came by looking for you on Friday, after you left,” Kakashi went on, scratching at his face mask in an almost nervous gesture. “Seemed real upset about an orange pen missing from your desk. Said it was a present from him. And, well...I connected the dots.” He nodded towards Iruka's desk, where Naruto's gag “Worst Big Brother Ever” mug sat in its place of honor beside his monitor. “I'm sorry. I didn't know that pen meant so much to you.” He dropped his gaze in shame. “I shouldn't have taken it. Or any of your other stuff, for that matter.” 

    “It...it's alright, Kakashi,” Iruka said quietly, looking at him in a whole new light. Perhaps he should reevaluate his opinion of the other man. Sure, he was a lazy, procrastinating jerk sometimes, but he seemed to have a good heart. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. “And...thank you for the supplies, they're very appreciated, but honestly, there was no need to trouble yourself-”

    “Want me to take my shirt off again?”

    And maybe he was just an asshole.

    Kakashi smirked down at him, and Iruka could imagine how, under the mask, it pulled at the stupid beauty mark on the side of his mouth.

    ...A really, really hot asshole.

    “...Yeah alright.”

(Written for @kakairu-fest Kakairu Month 2021, Day Six Prompt: Office AU)

[the-fiction-witch]

Girls! P19 : Meet With The Second King

TV SHOW: THE QUEENS GAMBIT GIRLS! SERIES COUPLE: READER X BENNY X BETH X HARRY RATING: SWEET + KINDA FLIRTY 

I woke up gently the sunlight cascading in though the tall basements windows, and the window of the bedroom, the covers around me, my arm slightly hanging off the bed where we had tried to fit three adult people in a double bed, I don't even think this is a king-size bed? Beth was against the wall laid on her side the covers wrapped around her naked body, Benny laid in the middle on his stomach his head facing Beth and his arm around my waist He didn't look comfortable, but He's still asleep so I assume he's fine, I don't know how anyone could sleep that way? guys are always complaining about sleeping cuddling a girl and complaining its uncomfortable I can't imagine trying to cuddle two girls. I moved a little trying to get comfortable on this edge of the bed when suddenly the phone began to ring, making us all groan.

"Ughhh Benny, Answer the phone" Beth complained elbowing him

"Uummmm Y/n, Go answer the phone sugar" Benny whined

"Why have I gotta do it?" I complain

"You're on the end of the bed?" Benny says

"Why can't you go beth?"

"Because I'm against the wall so both of you would have to move to let me out so one of you should just go" beth answered

"I vote y/n because I have to climb over her to get out" Benny whined

"It's your house benny you go" I told him

"she has  a point benny" Beth yawned

"Ummm but I'm sleepy. and I'm cosy with my girls cuddling me" He says pulling us both closer

"Go get the phone one of you before I shove a cactus up your virgina Beth and I shove you dick inn a pencil sharpener benny" I told them

"Ughhh You do it!" They both whine

"what if its Harry?" I remind them

"Fine, You girls are evil" he sighed sitting up and climbing over me slipping his robe on and going out to the phone, I smiled as both me and Beth rolled over slightly to cuddle on the warm part of the bed from where benny had been laying on it. Until I saw benny come back leaning on the doorframe "you girls cosy?" He asks and I nodded as we got wrapped up in the covers "Come on make room for one more" He smirked slipping his robe off and getting into bed trying to get in-between us again all three of us grabbing and giggling till we got cosy in a somehow three way cuddle benny's arm around my waist beth's leg around my own I wasn't sure how we where all muddled up but I imagine it resembled a spider web of limbs

"Who was on the phone?" Beth asked as she gently poked benny's arm

"Humm?" He muttered clearly having fallen half asleep snuggled with us

"The Phone Benny. Who was it?"

"Ohh. Harry" He yawns "He was just about to board his flight, he should be here later but he'll call again when he gets into the airport" He says "So... you girlies wanna have some fun before he gets here? just the three of us?"

"I need a shower" Beth groans

"I need to go my hair, I look like a shaggy dog" I complain

"Fine, You girls go make yourselves more beautiful. I'm staying in bed" Benny groans

"Benny you also need to shower" Beth says

"Do I?" he asks

"Yes Benny. We love you but you do" I told him

"Would you lovely ladies like to join me?" He smirked pulling us both closer to him his hand on beth's arse and his other hand on my boob

"You're shower is big enough for like one person benny its not happening" I remind him

"What if i ran a bath? would my girls come cuddle me then?"

"No!" Both me and Beth told him

"Fine" he groans sitting up rubbing his face "I will go shower, before you girls take all the hot water"

"Alright Benny" I yawn as he climbed out of bed

"No fooling around while I'm gone" He warned us

"No promises" Beth smirked

"Fine, then I'm taking y/n with me" He says picking me up from the bed

"Noooooo put me back" I whined holding him so I wouldn't just end up on the floor "I'm tired"

"Yeah well so was I before you girls kicked me out" He sighed

"Now I feel lonely" Beth complained

"Feel free to also get up" He told her

"Fine" she sighed getting out of bed too.

Once we had all had cups coffee and got awake enough to do more then cling to each other like lost puppies, We put the music on each of us having a shower. Benny sat at his table with his third coffee, Barefoot, In his jeans and his robe his hair still a little let from his shower earlier, and from the fact I stole his hair towel when I had my shower,  his chin on his hand as he seemed to just be sat watching me and Beth.

Beth stood wondering around gathering things from her bags laying it all out on the brown leather chair trying to piece together her outfit for that day, Stood with a towel wrapped around her hair, and another around her body sometimes stealing benny's coffee where she didn't want to make her own.

I sat on the black and white cushion using the tiny excuse for a coffee table to sit my mirror on to do my make up while my hair sat in its usual rollers while I did my make up, in my sexy lace bra, panties and my thigh highs.

"You girls should live here. I like watching you two get ready" He smiled

"Pervert" Beth told him as she started getting dressed

"You just like watching us in towels and underwear?" I smirked

"Like you don't like looking at me half naked?"

a moment later the phone rang so benny picked it up

"Hello?" He asks "Ohh hey harry, You wanna say Hi to the girls? Harry says Hi girls" He laughs

"Hi Harry!" Both me and Beth smiled

"You just got in? Alright the girls need to get there clothes on so have a coffee and I'll come pick you up, okay see you in a bit" He says before hanging up the phone "Girls get clothes on we have to get harry" He told us.

"You get clothes on!" I told him

"It takes time for us to get this beautiful and sexy you know" Beth complained

"Just hurry up girls or I leave you here- Wait no! you'll fuck on my bed again, Uhh I'll just take y/n you're more dressed. No! fuck beth'll get naked and do drugs in my bed, I'll take Beth. No because I lave y/n you're gonna masturbate on every surface I know.... Fuck girls just get in the car!" he says as he got dressed.

I sighed and got dressed Beth finished up too and we headed into the car me and Beth cuddling in the back as benny drove to the airport. As soon as we arrived me and beth ran off inside to try and find harry, and we found him sat on a bench with his suitcase

"Harry!" Beth smiled jumping into his arms

"Hey beth, I missed you love" He smiled hugging her tightly nuzzling his head into her neck giving her some little kisses,

"I missed you too" she smiled moving away

"Aww hey y/n" He smiled to me

"Hey Beltik" I smirked giving him a hug wrapping my arms around his neck and giving his nose a little kiss "Did you miss me?"

"Course I did" he smiled as I moved back "Hey man" He smiled seeing benny behind us as he had parked up and got here,

"Hey harry" He smiled giving him a hug

"I missed you too" Harry smiled

"Yeah I did too, Now come on Let's get back I need another coffee" Benny says so Harry held Beth's hand so I smiled tugging benny back to the car,

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Christmas 2018

Christmas fics posted in 2018  (Includes non-English fics) 

Snön ligger vit på taken by MinilocIsland, Treehouse (In Svenska, 62k words) - Det här extrajobbet måste vara den bästa idén Isak någonsin har haft. Långa, ensamma nätter med massor av tid att plugga. Helt chill. Ingenting som stör. Tills den där långa, snygga regissören flyttar in i taksviten. 

Hele Norge Baker by MermaidsandMermen (61k words) - Are you brave enough to stay? Or strong enough to walk away? Isak Valtersen is neither, still reeling with guilt over leaving his little family, walking away from a life that was slowly suffocating him. He’s neither strong or brave, he’s a coward. Stupid, weak and easily led, with no idea how to make things right. He’s made himself a promise though, he is going to stay single and finally take control of his own life. He’s going to be happy. Work hard. Be the best father he can be, and he is never going to let himself get dragged into a relationship again. He’s been there, done that, and it’s not for him. He is going to have a quiet winter, a quiet Christmas and he is going to chill. Lick his wounds and for once just be himself. That’s the plan. 

The First Noel by colazitron (2k words) - Even's parents have a cabin in Hemsedal where the family traditionally spends Christmas. This year, Isak's coming with. 

Fucking Bieber by Kollakolan (6k words) - “So,” Elias starts. “You’ve decided to join us on Christmas Eve?” Isak just nods, as he is just about to take a sip. “Great. It’s not really that complicated. The baskets are already made; you’ll just pick them up and deliver them according to a list of addresses. Oh, and also, you need to be wearing at least a Santa’s hat.” “Since it’s Christmas specials and all,” Mikael adds. 

boys and boys and girls and girls by colazitron (2k words) - Noora meets a handsome boy at the Christmas market one day, but all is not she may have originally thought. 

The first star you see may not be a star by Laika_the_husband (53k words) - In this story of dark and woe Isak is a sex worker who specializes in services of not traditionally sexual nature. Want to watch someone sharpen a pencil really slowly, making a long twirly unbroken strip, for your kicks? Isak's your guy. He is good at his job and he likes it, and it pays the bills while he's studying civil engineering at the Met.It's also convenient that Isak doesn't have to actually touch any of his clients. Because he can't touch anybody, and nobody can touch him, or he'll freak out completely. One day, Isak goes to meet a client, and sees EvenStarr, the video artist whose stuff he loves. And his request is not the most bizarre, but the most disturbing one Isak has ever received. 

Christmas prompts by nofeartina (4k words) - Collection of prompts Tina wrote for on tumblr. 

The wish I wish tonight by imminentinertia (1k words) - A visit to Marianne, and a present, of sorts 

Jumpstart by colazitron (2k words) - Isak and Even spend their first Christmas just the two of them in Trondheim. 

What is the light by unsungyellowraincoat (1k words) - That year Mom can’t put up the Christmas tree. 

Santa Baby by Laika_the_husband (21k words) - Part 3. The story where the author suddenly found out Isak is polyamorous. And genderqueer. The POV changes every now and then. I'm making this to examine the poly Evak from various angles. 

Expiration Date by Treehouse (5k words) - In the midst if the December stress, Isak has to make use of the gift card Eskild gave him for Christmas last year. A gift card for a freaking massage. 

The Næsheims by Kollakolan (2k words) - “Well, you know the Næsheims?  ”Yes, Isak knows the Næsheims. Or rather, he knows of them, and he knows that Sana knows them. They have a restaurant down town where Sana’s brother works. They’ve gone by a couple of times when Sana needed to hand him keys or something. Isak also knows that the son in the Næsheim family is maybe the hottest guy in all of Oslo. Not that he has told anyone that he think’s so, but I mean come on, it’s not like Isak must spell it out. They have eyes. 

By Your Side by MinilocIsland (1k words) - Some Christmas traditions may not be what they seem, but it doesn't really matter. 

In una sera così serena by imminentinertia (2.6k words) - Isak has had quite enough of Christmas and it's only December 13. 

December 2018 by imminentinertia (Series, 6 Fics) 

bits and pieces of their love by cammm (Series) - One shots. All may not be Chrismassy. 

Ho Ho Ho!!! by MermaidsandMermen (5.5k words) - A big fundraising School Christmas Market, to raise the last bit needed for that big Revue. It will be great. Lots of local families coming to drink glogg and buy hotdogs and do stupid money pinching games. Yes and the kids can meet Santa. Sit on his lap and get a present. Such christmassy fun. 

one thing I really do need by colazitron (3.5k words) - Isak comes home from meeting the boys for some gløgg feeling festive and cheerful. 

Den lengste natta by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart) (In Norsk, 22k words) - Det er fredag den 21. desember 2018 og vintersolverv. Fruktbarhetsguden Frøy, i Evens skikkelse, må for første gang gjøre seg fortjent til den gaven han ønsker seg aller mest; kjærlighet. 18 år gamle Isak syns kjærligheten virker uoppnåelig, helt til han kommer hjem til Oslo på juleferie og besøker Jonas og Eva på kafeen Eldrimni. 

Gay Jesus by unsungyellowraincoat (1k words) - Eskild has an encounter. 

A New Tradition by bri_ness (1k words) - Lea has Isak and Even over for Christmas Eve. 

A different celebration by Kollakolan (3k words) - “We realized a few years ago that we were a few friends who never celebrated Christmas with our families. At first it was just me, Elias, Noora and one of Elias friends. But now usually some exchange students come along as well as other people that we find on the way.” “Like me?” Sana just smiles at him. 

Times like now by nofeartina (3k words) - Isak watches him, looks into Even’s eyes with what light’s left, watches his mouth go slack as Isak slowly puts his hand inside the fly and pulls out Even’s dick. He’s so hard. Isak wants to worship him, wants to show him how perfect he is. 

Warmth by bri_ness (557 words) - Isak doesn't know how to accept a Christmas present from his mom. 

From Spark to Flame by MinilocIsland (1.5k words) - He'd thought he'd be alone in the castle for Christmas as usual. This year, however, there's a slight disruption to Isak's Christmas plans. 

i wish for by hippopotamus (2k words) - Isak just wishes that one person would want to get to know him before they knew that he could do magic. 

i think i recognise your face but i've never seen you before by monsterandmana (1k words) - Even works in a coffee shop. Isak is on the coffee run. It's Christmas. 

Fotokalendern by Kollakolan (In Svenska, 12k words) - Tags says Christmas but not really so I’m not sure. 

The Magician by folerdetdufoler (3.6k words) - the "christmas magic" prompt 

Two truths and one tale by evak1isak (7.6k words) - Isak ends up in Eva's cabin for a Kosegruppa's New Year's Eve Party. And begins the new year with a new boyfriend. 

I'll be home for Christmas by teatrolley (9k words) - They’ve been in Trondheim for half a year now. But for Christmas, they’re coming home. Or: Sometimes the things you were running from become the things you want to run towards 

Merry Kiss My Ass (under the mistletoe) by TheGirlNoOneKnows5 (10k words) - Working in retail during the holiday season is a nightmare. Especially when Isak has to work right alongside his just friend and not at all crush, Even. Among freaky customers, secret santa presents and constant reminders of his one night of passion with Even, Isak doesnt know if he'll make it to the new year. If only he could figure out who was behind all the random mistletoes he keeps finding... 

The Magic of Christmas by wyoheartsmusic (4k words) - Isak hates his job - especially during Christmas; to be honest, he pretty much hates anything involved with Christmas. But then Even comes around and maybe he doesn't hate anything all that much 

o night divine by thekardemomme (4k words) - This is the first Christmas in nearly five years that he’s spending without Isak, and while he still decorated his apartment and bought eggnog and spent an excruciating amount of time wrapping all of his gifts perfectly, the hole in his heart hasn’t gone unnoticed. It creeps in every time he goes to ask Isak for a bow for his gifts, every time he comes home and has to turn on the Christmas lights himself because Isak wasn’t there to do it for him, every time he plays Christmas music much too loud because Isak isn’t studying in the other room and teasingly pleading for him to turn it down a few notches. It also creeps in when he sees Isak’s present sitting under the tree, neatly wrapped. It’s been wrapped for two months, actually. 

I'm Stuck on You by Twinklylightseverywhere (6k words) - Jonas lets out another nervous laugh. Isak wishes his best friend would shut up. “You two will take the spare room. Uh… with one bed.” “ONE BED?” Isak and Even both shout at the exact same time. “Merry Christmas!” 

Mine egne meninger by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart) (In Norsk, 17k words) - Eva kunne allerede kjenne hjertet banke raskere. Hun visste det var tullete, men med ett bare visste hun at hun kom til å slite med å dele rom med Vilde. Hun kom til å bli gående rundt en feberhet tåke og tenke på Vilde hele helga. Til ingen nytte. Fy faen. Dette kom jo til å bli en helt strålende romjulsferie.  I think this is an Evilde fic. 

Shall I Find No Other by ultimatelawrence (5k words) - Everyone is born with a compass on their body, inked into their skin and commonly on their inner left arm. Instead of pointing to north, the needle on the compass points in the direction of your true soulmate. Even wants to find his as soon as possible. 

hope you're wearing your best clothes by colazitron (2.6k words) - Even's original plan was to get Isak Harry Styles merch. One of those “treat people with kindness” sweatshirts because Isak likes being cosy and he likes Harry Styles and it's a nice slogan. 

[alexander-turners]

Soulmates Through Time

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

Summary: Ben and Y/N are soulmates. They’ve been together ever since the beginning of time. In this fic we’ll take a glimpse of ther encounters and love for each other through different times.

Wordcount: 3 692 (my longest!)

Warnings: fluff, smut (wrap it before you tap it, guys!), humor, dick/cock jokes, mentions of attempted raping (if you’re not comfortable reading about it, just skip ‘Roman Empire’ part).

A/N: I had this idea from a long time, finally I decided to write it.

I didn’t put Ben and Y/N’s names in the past parts (in the fic they’re simply referred to as ‘he and she’) because people had different names in their previous lives but in the fic Ben and Y/N (aka you) still look the same.

I’m so sorry if there are any mistakes. English is not my first language. I hope you like it! Gif credit goes to owner/maker. This is my first ever Ben fic, please be patient with me.

264 BC

Athens, Greece

“I’ve been waiting for you. I–” his lips crashed over hers making her moan into his mouth.

She bit his lower lip; the man let out an animalistic groan and broke the kiss. “Fuck… I can’t wait to get married to you.”

She giggled, a tint of redness covered her cheeks, “You have to wait until tomorrow.”

“Ugh don’t remind me.” He whined, kissing her hands.

The woman saw how other people were looking at them, they didn’t approve the whole ‘kissing each other in public before getting married’ thing.

He sensed her discomfort, “Hey, what’s wrong?” she looked at his eyes then to the people who now were clearly discussing them. The blond man saw them too, “Wanna get out of here?”

“Where will we go?” the e/c eyed girl asked.

“Do you trust me?” He asked.

She nodded, “I do.” He smiled before taking her hand and walking away from the crowd.

 175 AD

Saalburg, Roman Empire

“We’ve taken the city! Strengthen the fortifications! If anyone hurts any women and children will answer before me!” the general yelled. Some of the younger solders, who were around 16-17, shivered in fear. “Dismissed!”

The general walked inside his tent and looked at the plans on the table. After making sure he’s done everything he had to do he waved to the teenage boy who was waiting near the opening to clear the table.

The green eyed general sat on the chair, took a piece of parchment, a quill and some ink. He dipped his quill inside the ink and held it over the parchment, thinking and collecting his thoughts.

After deciding what he’s going to write he put his quill on the parchment but before he could write anything one soldier opened the curtain which was like an entrance.

“What now?” he asked, annoyance clouded his handsome features.

“General, there’s one soldier who is acting against your orders. He’s tried to rape the girl who was helping the wounded soldiers.”

The teenage soldiers once more shivered in fear when they saw the general passing them only a few feet distance. For someone who was so handsome, he was also terrifying and fearless in battle.

Some solders loved to joke that his parents were Venus and Mars.

“Where is he? Show me the soldier who is acting against my rules.” A few soldiers pointed to the man who was held down, one soldier was sitting over his back and had a knife in his hand, ready to kill the traitor, only waiting for his superior’s orders. The general looked at the traitor, he recognized him immediately, he was very problematic and wasn’t good with orders. “Take him to the city prison, I will deal with him tomorrow. Three men should guard him.”

His men nodded and walked off with the prisoner.

“Where is the girl?” one soldier pointed to the right. The girl was crouching, her dress was half ripped, and side of her right thigh was exposed. She tried to cover herself with her trembling hands. She was beautiful. Too beautiful and precious to be treated the way she was treated a few moments ago. But when the general saw her beautiful eyes covered in tears, he knew two things. First, he couldn’t leave her there, terrified and crying, he… he wanted to protect her. Second, he will kill that bastard himself.

The girl felt something being put over her shoulders. It was a cape, a roman cape. She looked up and saw a blond haired man; he gently helped her and wrapped one arm around her waist. She had no idea why she was letting this man to help her but she felt safe near him.

“What are you looking at?” the general growled, funnily the girl didn’t even flinch at his harsh tone.

He took her to his tent, she was still shaking. He helped her drink some water.

“What are you going to do to me?” she asked, still scared.

The general smiled gently, “Nothing… and I won’t let anybody to hurt you.” she smiled too, sipping some more water. “Do you have a family?”

She shook her head, “My mother died while she was giving birth to me… I never knew my dad… I was raised by my aunt, she also passed away recently.”

“I’m sorry.” he said sincerely.

“It’s okay… I heard you… when you gave that order… about not hurting women and children. That’s why we decided to help the wounded…”

He held her hand in his calloused one, “I promise you as long as I’m around nobody will hurt you. Ever.”

She smiled, before asking. “What are you writing?” she’d seen the parchment and the quill on the table.

“Just a report back to the emperor.” he simply said before chucking at her expression.

“To Marcus Aurelius?” He nodded.

“Want to see?”

“I would love to.”

They talked about everything and nothing. Both feeling comfortable near each other, both cherishing the company.

It was nearly midnight when she uttered, “I should go.”

His heart fell, he didn’t want her to leave.

She didn’t want to leave either… her heart wanted to stay, her mind was screaming at her to leave him. He was a soldier, there wasn’t a place for her in his life.

But before she could reach the makeshift door, he grabbed her hand, not to harshly, and kissed her.

At first he was sure that she would reject him, push him away, slap him across the face but no, she did the quite opposite.

She kissed him back.

When they broke apart, the only sound inside the tent was their heavy breathing.

“Come with me to Rome?” he whispered without thinking, his brain has stopped working, everything slipping from his mouth in that moment was coming from his heart.

“What?” Was he serious?

“Come with me to Rome… please… I-I can’t leave you here.”

“Okay.” She simply answered.

 1504

Florence, Republic of Florence

“Thank you, Madonna. Thank you.” The poor lady continued to thank her for the few pennies the noblewoman has given her.

The noblewoman smiled kindly and continued walking through the busy Florence streets. She passed the market place and the Duomo. Her heart ached one more time as she remembered how the Pazzi’s killed her uncle and tried to kill her father right in front of her eyes, inside the beautiful cathedral... when she was only 3 years old. Her father miraculously had survived the assassination attempt.

Finally she reached her destination – Michelangelo’s work place. The door was open so she carefully stepped inside.

One young boy who was carrying some empty canvases smiled at her, “How can I help you Madonna?”

“I’m looking for Messer Michelangelo and Messer Rossi.” The boy’s eyes widened in shock. He’d recognized who she was. The daughter of Lorenzo de’ Medici. “Can you show me where they are?”

He licked his lips, clearly didn’t want to tell anything. “Madonna Medici–”

“Rossi. Madonna Rossi.” She corrected him.

“Madonna Rossi… I’m sorry but our teacher said not to be disturbed while he’s working on the sculpture.”

Sculpture? What?

She hummed, opening the money bag, she simply put two coins inside his palm, “I promise you, your teacher won’t know who helped me. Besides there’s an important message I have to deliver to my husband.”

The boy looked from left to right, making sure his other classmates weren’t looking at him. “Walk down this hall, the last door on the right.”

“Thank you.” she murmured and they parted ways.

The walk to the door was short; when she arrived in front of it she knocked twice and waited.

She heard Michelangelo’s voice getting closer to the door. A few seconds later the door has opened, “I’ve told you, I don’t want to be dis– Madonna Medici.”

The woman smiled kindly, “Good afternoon, Messer. I’m looking for my husband. Is he here?”

“Yes, yes, he is. Come in, Madonna.” Michelangelo stepped aside. The woman raised her arms.

“I don’t want to disturb,”

“Oh no, you’re not disturbing anything. Please, come in.”

Michelangelo closed the door behind her as she entered the room and pointed to the curtain which was dividing the room into two parts, “He’s on the other side of the curtain, Madonna.” He excused himself to ‘sharpen some pencils.’

The woman slowly walked to the drape and opened it. Her husband was there, his naked back was facing her. A towel was wrapped around his middle.

“Michelangelo, come on finish the drawings so I can go home.” he whined.

The woman stifled a laugh. Her husband was definitely tired from sitting in one place. He moved one hand through his messy blond hair and sighed loudly before getting up to check out the unfinished sculpture.

His wife gasped loudly when she saw the marble sculpture. It… It was beautiful… and naked!

The man turned around at the sound and smiled brightly at the sight of his wife there. He chuckled lightly as he approached her but her eyes were still fixed on the marble figure.

“It’s still not finished, my love.” he whispered, gently wrapping one arm around her waist.

“It’s… naked.” her cheeks burning, “And you’re also naked.”

“I’ve never thought that you’d be sad about me being naked.” her cheeks reddened even more, “I love making you blush.”

“Stop it.”

He laughed, kissing her cheek, “Is everything okay? Are the children okay?”

“Yes, they’re fine. The Pope’s ambassador has arrived.” she explained. “And he’s been asking for you.”

Color drained from his face, “Don’t tell me that he’s here.”

His wife laughed, “No, your mum is showing him the gardens.”

“Thank God! I’ll get ready now so we could leave.” He grabbed his undershirt and put it on. She approached him slowly and took the laces from his hands, binding them in front of his neck then adjusting his collar.

“Thankfully your undershirt is slightly longer so no one could see your dick.” He threw his head back laughing. “You couldn’t wait to drop the towel before putting your pants.”

“You know me, I can’t control myself around you.” he lowered his head to kiss her but she put her hand over his mouth stopping him.

“Why don’t you put on your pants before kissing me?”

He groaned but complied. As he was putting his pants on, he turned to her with a teasing smile, “Have anybody told you how much you are like your late father?”

“You have, your mother have,” he wrapped his arms around her waist, his green eyes shining with love. “And many others have.”

“Yes, I remember saying that you are so much like your father when we first met.” she hummed, “And look where it brought us. Married with three children.”

“Don’t remind me.” she joked.

“Can I have my kiss now?” she nodded and he kissed her, slow and sweet.

“Ah, I’m sorry!” they broke the kiss facing Michelangelo who was holding a few pencils in his right hand and covering his eyes with the other. “Sorry to interrupt.”

Her husband chuckled, “It’s okay Michelangelo.” Putting on the rest of his clothes.

“We should leave, the ambassador is waiting for us.” she said while he tied the ends of his cape.

Michelangelo bowed to her and shook the hand of the man, “I’ll send you a word when the sculpture is ready.”

The couple nodded and said their goodbyes to the sculptor. They left the work place hand in hand.

“You’ve got something to say, my love.” she gaped at him. He chuckled, “Why are you so shocked? I know you too well, just like you know me.”

“True.” she mumbled.

“Tell me,” They were almost next to the Duomo.

“Michelangelo uses you, no, your body for the sculpture, right?” he nodded, silently telling her to continue, “I must say dear husband… the sculpture’s cock got nothing on yours.”

His cheeks turned bright red as he laughed. Some of the Florentine citizens turned to look at them but they didn’t care at all. The man pulled his wife close to himself and kissed her red lips.

“I love your humor” he gave her a chaste kiss, “And I love you.” he whispered one last time before kissing her again.

 1796

Chevening House, Kent, England

The woman smiled as he felt his husband’s fingers caressing her hip. His hand slowly moved to her exposed stomach and from there to her breasts, he shamelessly groped the left one.

“What are you doing?” she asked with a small smile dancing on her lips.

He shrugged, playing dumb, “Nothing.”

“This doesn’t look like you’re doing nothing.” she pointed where his hand was still caressing her left breast and now the nipples were hard, turned on.

“Well, your boobs have a different opinion,” he pecked her lips, “they seem to enjoy it.”

“Oh, shut up,” she pulled his naked body for her equally naked one.

The man chuckled as she wrapped her hips around his waist, “Again? You’re insatiable, my love.”

She slipped her hand between their bodies, sliding his rock hard cock in her pussy. Her husband hissed at the feeling, falling down on his arms, “You’re still wet.” His breathless voice sent shivers down her spine. Her pussy clenched unintentionally. “Oh, God!”

“I’m sorry.” she whispered, running her hand through his blond locks, he twirled one lock of her h/c hair around his index finger.

“It’s okay.” It was her turn to gasp loudly as he slowly trusted into her. He chuckled, leaning down to kiss her swollen (from all the kissing) lips.

They were so into one another they didn’t hear the door opening, but they heard the gasp and the servant apologizing, “I’m so sorry Your Graces.” And the door slammed shut.

His wife turned bright red, hands covering her heated face. The husband was chuckling but later he would give hell to that servant. “Did he just walk on us?”

“I think he did.” he simply said, removing her hands from her face.

“I’m embarrassed!” he laughed again, nuzzling his nose against her ear.

“Don’t be.” she jolted when he trusted hard, hitting the sweet spot inside her, “You should be embarrassed only if you don’t scream my name when we are having sex.”

And she did scream his name.

 1918

London, UK

THE GREAT WAR IS OVER

Her hands trembled with emotions as she read the article over and over again. The Great War is over. Finally her husband will return home. She left the newspaper on the table and looked back at her daughter. The little girl was a carbon copy of her father.

The woman wiped her tears before kneeling down next to the blonde girl.

“Your father soon will be home, sweetie.” the little girl had a sad smile on her face.

“Will he love me?” she asked, turning her attention to the doll in her hands.

“Of course he will love you!” her mother kissed little girl’s forehead, “He can’t wait to meet you. I know it.”

The girl nodded, her pigtails jumping up and down, “Can we play together?” she asked.

Her mother nodded, “Yes, we can.”

***

Today was the day. Her husband will return from the battlefield. It’s been four years since he’s been away. He’s missed the birth of his daughter and her first three years, but everything will end now.

Paddington station was packed with people waiting for their loved ones. A h/c haired woman and her blonde daughter were part of the crowd.

“Mommy, can you see daddy?” the little girl in her mother’s arms asked.

“No, I can’t sweetie.” The mother answered sadly. Eyes still searching for her loved one.

Finally she saw a blond head similar to her daughter’s. He was still wearing his military outfit. They saw each other. The woman let out a sob and started running towards him, her daughter still in her arms.

Green eyed man put down his travel bag on the ground and hugged his wife and child. Ella, his daughter was looking at him curiously.

“Shh, don’t cry, love. I’m here.” he whispered, kissing his wife’s forehead, “I’m here.”

The woman wiped her tears, turning to her daughter, “Els? Do you want your daddy to hold you?”

The little girl nodded, extending her arms towards the blond man. He took her into his strong arms. “Hey, sweetheart… I’m your daddy.”

“I’m Ella.” she said shyly.

“Nice to finally meet you, Ella.” he kissed her cheek. Ella wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. “Let’s go home.” he muttered holding his wife’s hand.

 2019

Florence, Italy

Ben stifled a laugh when you snapped another picture of David, the famous sculpture of Michelangelo. His face turned red with laughter as you zoomed the picture, looking intently into the screen of your phone.

“Ben, call me crazy but I swear to God he looks kinda like you.” you murmured, receiving a snort from him.

“Do you mean his face or other body parts?” Ben joked.

You showed his arm laughing, “I mean his abs, Ben. The abs.” Ben laughed again when you gestured towards the sculpture’s abs. “But I must say the sculpture’s cock got nothing on yours.”

Ben threw his head back laughing like crazy, his cheeks tickled pink. He pulled you closer before saying, “I love your humor. And I love you.” You kissed back as soon as his lips touched yours.

“Oh, my eyes.” Joe whined, covering his eyes after coming back where Ben and you were. “Too much PDA, guys.”

“Come on, man. It’s nothing like you walked on us doing it a week ago in Rome.” Ben joked.

“Don’t remind me!” you hid your blushing face in Ben’s neck as you remembered the encounter.

“You’re insatiable.” Ben said breathlessly, thrusting harder into you.

You let out a moan, which would make the greatest pornstar blush. “B-Ben.”

“Fuck, Y/N!” the green eyed actor groaned before kissing you sloppily.

After breaking the kiss Ben lifted your right leg above his shoulder while his other hand was holding your hip. In this way he was hitting deeper inside you.

Neither of you heard the door opening. It was too late Joe has seen everything before yelling, “Put a goddamn sock on the handle!”

Both of your eyes widened, Ben’s hips stilled. You and your boyfriend were breathing heavily, looking at each other, “Did he just walk on us?”

“I think he did.” Ben confirmed, lowering your leg, leaning down so your chests were touching.

He chuckled as you covered your face, “I’m embarrassed… how am I going to look at Joe’s face?”

“Hey, there’s nothing you should be embarrassed about.” Ben said sweetly, removing your hands from your face. “You should be embarrassed only when you don’t scream my name when we are having sex.”

“Mmm, I always scream your name.” your pussy clenched around his hard cock. Ben moaned at the feeling, he leaned down kissing you hungrily.

“Then I heard Y/N screaming your name like a pornstar.” Joe continued, your face was redder than a tomato.

“Okay, mate, just let it go.” Ben mumbled. You both knew your American friend needed to get laid as soon as possible, because he was getting bitchier with every single day. Joe raised his hands in surrender.

After checking out the Uffizi Gallery you three met with Rami and Lucy (they’ve decided to check out another museum in the city). Joe at some point blurted out, “Let’s go to a bar.”

You all agreed and went to the closest bar to the museum.

The bar wasn’t too crowded, it has live music too. After one drink you all loosened and around 9 pm Joe literally left the bar hand in hand with a beautiful Italian woman, “Am I hallucinating or Joe’s left the bar with a woman.” Rami said, blinking like was trying to adjust his eyes to the sunlight.

“You’re not dreaming Rami.” You answered, gaining a nod from Lucy.

“Dude’s finally going to get laid.” Ben sipped his cocktail smirking.

“Thank God!” Rami jokingly said, “He’s been pain in the ass, lately. The girl better help him release the built up tension.”

You all laughed, then Lucy asked you to accompany her to the loo. You chatted while reapplying your lipsticks.

When you returned to your booth, Ben was wearing his leather jacket, “Are we going somewhere?”

The blond man hurriedly made you wear your leather jacket, “I just remembered that I might have forgotten to lock the house door.”

“What?” you and Lucy uttered at the same time.

“We must return,” Ben said but there was something in his eyes.

“Okay.” you hugged both Lucy and Rami and left the bar hand in hand with Ben.

“I can’t believe you forgot to lock the house door, Ben.”

He chuckled under his breath as you were walking down the unknown street. “I didn’t forgot to lock it,” you gaped, Ben laughed wrapping his arm around your shoulders, “I just needed to leave the bar.”

“I can’t believe you lied to our friends,”

“Relax, Rami knew about it. He also wanted to stay alone with Luce.”

You gasped loudly, “Did you both plan this?”

Ben scratched back of his neck, “Kinda.”

“Oh My God!” he laughed loudly next to you, “Wait until Lucy finds about this plan of yours.”

“Oh trust me, love. She will be so happy after tonight.” He simply said.

“Is he going to propose?”

Ben’s eyes widened, “How do you know.”

You shrugged, “I just guessed,” he hummed. “I can’t believe we are together in Florence. In Italy…”

Ben kissed your hair, “I know, it’s magical.”

“When you said ‘Come with me to Rome’ I thought you were joking.” you murmured.

Ben stopped walking and pulled you to himself, “I couldn’t leave you all alone in London.”

You kissed his lips sweetly, before asking. “So, where are we going?”

“Do you trust me?” he asked cheekily.

You nodded, “I do.”

Ben took your hand in his large one before walking away from the small crowd near the bar.

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 3, Extra Ordinary.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Usual disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

Vanya was clearly about to sell her violin. She looked dejected and sad and was detached from her violin case. This is in character for Vanya on her pills, who must have decided that she wasn’t good enough at one point. Sin for putting Vanya through trauma. +1

The Umbrella Academy comics are priced weirdly. The one on the right is $25.00 and the one on the left is $15.00. What makes the one on the right more expensive? It even says on the cover that the one on the right was supposed to be $0.50. So why the inflation? Taking a closer look, all six heroes are on the cover, so it’s not that either of them are pre-Five leaving and therefore more expensive because Five is on both of them. Though, the one on the right does have a picture of Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus, Ben, and Reginald under where it says that the comic is 50 cents. To make a long rant short, the comics that Vanya looks at in the pawn shop window are confusing. +1

However, Gabriel Ba’s art. -1

The strange lack of technology means that Vanya’s book was written on a typewriter. +1

Vanya needed 6 pencils to write her book with. These are maybe supposed to symbolize Vanya’s 6 siblings, in which case, interesting detail, but still. Six pencils. As opposed to one pencil and a pencil sharpener? Why all the tools Vanya? +1

The six pencils (with two pointer up) symbolize Vanya’s six siblings, two of which turned around since the siblings they are supposed to represent (Five and Ben) are no longer around. -1

Vanya’s dying houseplant. Water that! +1

Vanya collects another houseplant and it looks relatively healthy. -1

The messy table garbage still has the same plate and same crumpled papers/napkins in the same position. Either Vanya was super lazy, or the set designer/director was. +1

Vanya replaced the dying houseplant with the fresh one. Poor houseplant. I will mourn you. +1

“Lost Woman” has some really on the nose lyrics. Playing the phrase “lonely woman” before Vanya starts narrating her book is ridiculously on the nose. +1

However, “Lost Woman” happens to be one of my favorite tracks from the series. -1

Luther should be part ape in this scene, (as it takes place five years ago, not seven), but he looks completely normal. This is a massive continuity error so I’m adding two sins. +2

“Starved for attention” is the line Vanya narrates over Allison reading it. On. The. Nose. +1

Diego is so pissed off at Vanya that he tapes her likeness to a punching bag and punches it. You know, like a rational adult. +1

Klaus is wearing birkenstocks and burgundy capris. +1

Also, Ben and Klaus work together to read a book. -1

But I have to ask, why did the rehab let Klaus read during group therapy. And shush his dead brother’s ghost. +1

Ben is pissed off by the line “and haunted by what might have been.” On the nose. +1

Five reads the harsh line “we all wanted to be loved by a man incapable of giving love” while next to Dolores, who is also incapable of giving love because she is a mannequin. Also, Five reads this book, full of vitriol and hate, as the last connection he has to his siblings, at age thirteen. +2

Reginald doesn’t read the book that his daughter wrote. As usual, Reggie is a dick to Vanya. +1

Vanya’s reaction to being late to rehearsal is so relatable. I swear I have done this a thousand times as a musician. -1

The Netflix captions (yes I watch with captions) say “Chamber music playing”. They have a conductor. +1

The conductor has the character of all conductors. Dick. +1

Vanya isn’t vibrating when the rest of the orchestra is. Late or not, you still need to follow the concertmaster, Vanya. +1

The rainy weather matching Vanya’s stormy mood. Foreshadowing. -1

Badass umbrella title screen. -1

However, why are all those people stopping in the street? It’s raining, get to where you’re going! +1

Allison and Luther watch the tape where Reggie dies over and over. This is weird, even if they are trying to figure out if Grace killed him. Who would want to watch someone die over and over? Not even I want to replay Reggie dying, and I genuinely hate him. +1

Luther says that Reggie thought people were out to get him. On the first watch, the audience can chalk this up to Reggie being a paranoid old man, however on the second watch we know that the Commission exists and that Reggie is probably not from this world. So either of those groups could have been out to get him. But who? This remains a sin until they explain it. +1

Training posters in the kitchen. The kitchen! Really, Reggie. +1

There’s this weird caterpillar thing with a face behind Grace in this scene. What the hell is that? +1

There was also a radio in the kitchen, which implies that Reggie either let them listen to tunes, or had training cassettes the same way he had training records. Either way, what the hell, Reggie? +1

There is a ridiculous amount of light sources in this one room. +1

Grace has a cactus full of toothpicks or skewers by the stove. Cute art project, whichever kid but likely Diego based on his fascination with pointy things. -1

The “your father was a great man” speech. Poor Grace. +1

Jordan Clare Robbins is an excellent actress. -1

Smiley face made of two eggs and a strip of bacon. -1

Diego doesn’t understand the chain of custody regarding evidence. Patch says that if he touches a piece of evidence, she can’t use it in her case. How many murderers have walked free because of Diego? +1

Hazel and Cha Cha use bullets from 1963. Dallas foreshadowing? Remains a sin until season two confirms the Dallas plot. +1

These bullets were found on the random local hires Five killed at Griddy’s. Why does the Commission use bullets from the early 60’s? Isn’t that a big red flag to their time organization? +1

Patch indulges Diego the Vigilante by asking for his help. You’re a police officer, you got this, Patch. Also, this foreshadows her death when she does things his way and gets killed for it.  +1

Diego tells Patch to investigate Five. Oh, the irony. +1

“I do give a shit” is such a weird line to try to portray as romantic with the music, tone, and lighting, show. +1

Beeman, unprofessionally, brings up the fact that Patch and Diego used to date while at a crime scene. +1

Vanya washes her hands for two seconds and then goes to talk to Helen. Almost like that was the real reason why she was in there. +1

Vanya attempts to compliment Helen Cho, who is overall, not interested. Is this Vanya’s repressed way of flirting? Pick a better time.+1

Seriously, what is with Vanya and starting conversations at the absolute worst time. It’s like she wants to get insulted. +1

No way in hell would one professional musician to another be this bitchy, Helen Cho. +1

Helen straight up calls Vanya talentless. What an awful thing to say! +1

She softens, as if she just gave Vanya legitimate career advice, but she didn’t. She really just insulted the time and effort Vanya put into her instrument. As a musician, I can confirm that what Helen just said is the equivalent of saying something really, really nasty. Tumblr hate anons have nothing on what Helen just said. +3

Vanya takes a pill after being called talentless. Pill foreshadowing. -1

Cha Cha uses a curling iron to cauterise the wound Five gave her from the shovel. Where did the curling iron come from? +1

“The entire fate of the universe” oh Hazel. Thanks for the irony. +1

How did no one in the history of this shady motel notice the hidden panel? You would think at least one person attempting to have shower sex or someone cleaning or  someone doing matinence should have noticed that, right? +1

Five stitches up his wound by himself despite the fact that multiple people are in the house that are capable. He’s going to pull a few of those based on the angle. Also, Five didn’t bother to clean the blood off his arm, so who knows if he bothered to sterilize the needle or his hands or anything. +1

The wound on Cha Cha and the wound on Five are eerily similar. However, what makes them interesting is that Cha Cha decided to cauterize where Five decided to stitch. Both are decent methods, but Cha Cha’s way is going to leave severe permanent scarring and Five’s way might heal. This could foreshadow the way they treat the end of the world. Cha Cha wants to end it, Five wants to fix it. Maybe not Cha Cha herself, but she does represent the Commission and their ideals. She is a stickler for their rules and uses her last moments to try to call them and get rescued. Point is. This is an English teacher moment full of symbolism, and I respect the show for this choice. -1

Billy the Choo Choo bandages. First of all, Five can never get away from the childishness of his current form. Second of all, Reggie let Five have “Billy the Choo Choo” licenced bandages??? +1

Or, Five chose to buy/steal these bandages. +1

Five puts a clean, white uniform shirt over blood that he still hasn’t cleaned up. At this point, that has got to be uncomfortably sticky. +1

Five didn’t bother to clean his wound until morning. “I guess I’ll go to sleep and bleed”???+1

Or, it took Five several hours to get the supplies. Bullshit. No way in hell did Reggie not have those supplies lying around. +1

Five still chooses to wear the full uniform ensemble even though he could at the very least get rid of the tie. +1

The teleporting kid gets the fire escape bedroom. It’s like Reggie was begging Five to sneak out of the house. +1

Dumpster Bagel: Do Not Eat. +1

“I’m done funding your drug habit” you never did in the first place? You didn’t pay him at all for that magnificent acting?? Unless Five did this before he left the mansion, in which case, Five funded Klaus’s drug habit. +1

Justin Min looks so incredibly creepy sitting on the dumpster. He has such a blank expression. Also, when did he move from the fire escape? +1

“I love you. Even if you can’t love yourself!” is a great line. -1

When Five drives away in the stolen van, he passes an absolutely bewildered guy. How the hell did Five function as an assassin? He can’t do subtlety. This contradicts “I know how to do everything”. +1

Was Aidan Gallagher actually driving in this scene? Because it kind of looks like the way a beginner would drive. This also contradicts “I know how to do everything” +1

There’s a lady passing Meritech that actually chose to wear a baby pink fedora. M’costume. +1

Five left his wife stuck in a bag and didn’t remember her. +1

He also left a bottle of some clear liquor on top of her. +1

“This is the place that it was made. Or will be made.” The delivery on this line was kinda bad. +1

Allison used her power on Claire. Claire was three years old. No matter which way you slice it, this is the shittiest thing Allison has ever done. She’s working on it, but the fact that it happened deserves a sin. +1

Emmy Raver-Lampman is a kick ass actress. -1

Allison has the most warranted case of impostor syndrome ever. Sin off because this is the one of the few scenes where two characters actually talk about their emotions. -1

Luther and Allison had that conversation sitting ridiculously far apart. +1

Leonard’s shop is called “Imperial Woodwares” Apparently, he delivers as well. How did Leonard get the business and woodworking skills necessary for running a relatively successful shop while in prison? +1

Leonard somehow knows that Vanya’s orchestra (which rehearses and performs in the Icarus Theatre) is far from Bricktown. At this point, he shouldn’t know that unless that is the only orchestra in the entire city. There is no way that that is the only orchestra in the entire city. +1

Leonard took up wood carving in prison. Is that allowed? +1

If a guy you just met makes a wood carving in your likeness you should run. Run like hell. Get a restraining order. That is so creepy. Obvious villain is obvious. +1

Also, I once read a fanfic (The Moon Laughs by Lady_Origami on ao3 https://archiveofourown.org/works/17959847/chapters/42417584) where a character is kidnaped by Leonard and tortured in this backroom where he’s showing Vanya the creepy statue. I can see where the inspiration came from. This back room has “place to keep the person I kidnaped and torture them” vibes.+1

Leonard stayed up all night to make the creepy woodcarving. He then insists that Vanya take it. And Vanya doesn’t recognize the creepy vibes. +1

And she does take it! +1

Leonard says that he made the carving for her and that she inspired him. Obvious manipulation is obvious.  +1

Leonard is a dick to Vanya by using Allison’s successful career. +1

Leonard doesn’t like the Beatles. +1

Why did Allison go to Bricktown to find Vanya when that is nowhere near the theatre or Vanya’s apartment? Was she just wandering around hoping to find Vanya? +1

Allison is the Queen of actually talking out her thoughts and feelings. She just apologized to Vanya and explained why she was so angry in the last episode. Well done. I respect that. -1

Allison and Vanya sisterly bonding. -1

Five sees children playing and then immediately starts having an apocalypse flashback. This shows that Five lost his childhood as soon as he time traveled to the apocalypse. I’m sad now. +1

Aidan Gallagher plays this really well. -1

If you look closely, you can see Five/Aidan Gallagher laughing at Luther/Tom Hopper because he can’t fit in the van. I can’t tell if Five is laughing at Luther or if Aidan is laughing at Tom. Either way, that slaps. -1

However, corpsing. +1

No one has written Klaus/Dolores fanfic yet. They really hit it off in the van, y’all. +1

Five throws an empty can at Klaus for messing with Dolores. +1

Klaus’s expression after Five says “does it matter, it’s Klaus.” Sinning because Five is a dick to Klaus. +1

“Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to wax my ass with chocolate pudding. It was so painful.” I love this line. God bless Robert Sheehan. -1

Aidan Gallagher contemplates this line then starts corpsing. I don’t blame him. I’ve been trying to figure out how that would be possible too. -1

How can you use chocolate pudding to wax any hair? +1

Aidan Gallagher laughs at this line, meaning Five found this funny, but didn’t want to give Klaus the satisfaction of laughing. +1

Luther and Five are dicks to Klaus. They kicked him out of the van! Assholes. +1

Luther is sort of trying to connect with Five, but he fails miserably because it comes out really condescending. +1

“I don’t think that I’m better than you, Number One. I know I am.” Hubris much, Five? +1

Luther is already sick of Five’s “I’m better than you, I’ve done things you couldn’t comprehend” schtick and Five has only been back for three days. And we make fun of Luther’s moon thing. We get it, Five, you’re a badass. Actions speak louder than words, old man. +1

On the side of the Variety Store Klaus steals from is a billboard for Clever Crisp Cereal, which is the cereal that  Reggie invented in the comics. I guess he did that here too. -1

Also, Klaus steals from the Variety Store and drops everything while running away. Why did you steal so much shit if you knew you were going to drop it all Klaus? +1

Ben’s reaction to this buffoonery must have been hilarious. Sinning the show for not showing us that. +1

“Now I’m starting to wonder if that was the wisest decision.” What? Kicking Klaus out of the van or Klaus deciding to rob the store? Because both were pretty stupid. +1

Does Agnes own Griddy’s? +1

Agnes just gave some valuable baking tips when it comes to doughnuts. Thanks, Agnes. -1

Agnes and Hazel are really cute together. -1

The Hazel and Agnes theme is my favorite instrumental piece from the whole show. -1

There are still bullet holes in the walls. Attention to detail! -1

Hazel and Cha Cha pretend to be social workers or private detectives concerned for Five’s well being. Oh, the irony. +1

“I mean who lets a kid get a tattoo” Reginald Hargreeves. That’s who. +12

Agnes is indignant about Five’s tattoo, citing his age. This whole episode has a ridiculous amount of irony. +1

Agnes draws the umbrella tattoo a bit too perfectly for someone who only saw it once and at the wrong angle. +1

Diego straight up threatens Luther at knifepoint. +1

This family meeting is a complete shitshow. +1

The monocle is likely to become a s2 plotpoint because Diego put it in a place where anyone could take it. If you’ve read the comics, you know why I think that’s important, but I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn’t. Either way, that was a dumb way to dispose of the monocle, Diego. +1

Diego is a dick to Vanya until she agrees with him. +1

They are legitimately talking about killing their mother. What the fuck. +1

Klaus references the van when only Luther, Five, and presumably Ben know about it. This makes no sense. +1

Votes to kill Mom: Luther, Allison, Ben +3

Klaus hisses at Ben and no one thinks this is weird. +1

Grace definitely heard Luther and Allison voting to kill her. After she made them breakfast too! Luther and Allison are dicks in this scene. (And so is Ben but Grace couldn’t hear him.) +2

Grace tries to prove her worth by making cookies. Fuck Luther, Allison, and Ben for voting to turn her off. +3

Diego and Vanya actually have a civil conversation. Well done for doing the bare minimum, Diego? -1

Vanya’s pills suggest that she was friendlier with Diego at some point. +1

Pogo for sure saw that whole thing and he saw Vanya take the pills. Dr. Complicit. +1

Reginald is a total soccer mom in Diego’s flashback scenes. This amuses me. -1

However, Reginald raised six child soldiers as “crime deterrents” so +6

Luther is casually working out in his bedroom while the mission alarm is going off. +1

“Where’s my knives” was a phrase Diego practiced. Also, Diego would never lose his knives. +1

Vanya’s room is a fucking closet. +1

“Thank you, Mother” Dante Albidone is a treasure. -1

“Boys will be boys” this is the only time that phrase is acceptable. When you’re putting out a fire your son caused for no reason. -1

“You did it! I’m so proud of you!” -1

Reginald interrupts this. +2

Diego’s flashbacks were very unorganized, which makes sense. This is probably several years worth of mission flashbacks. -1

“It’s okay if you hated him” “I would understand if you wanted to hurt him”-2

David Castaneda and Jordan Claire Robbins nailed this scene. Two kick ass actors being incredible. -1

Did Five really sit there all day with no breaks? +1

Five is arguing with Dolores and losing. She is a manifestation of his subconscious. And she is winning this argument. +1

Aidan Gallagher looked directly into the camera. We made eye contact. It was weird. +1

Lance straight up sells those illegal prosthetics where anyone could see it. Lance is an idiot. +1

Agnes’s drawing led Hazel and Cha Cha to the Academy. +1

Cha Cha left the window down in the car. +1

Would that air thing actually work? If it wouldn’t then sin on Reggie for getting cheap locks. If it would, sin on me for not getting better locks sooner. +1

Hazel and Cha Cha don’t have their masks on. What if somebody saw them? +1

The portrait of Five comes back to bite the Academy in the ass. Why haven’t they gotten rid of it? Five has been back for three days. +1

Klaus has black nail polish on his toes. -1

No way in hell is Klaus able to have his eyes open in a soapy bathtub. +1

The ghosts are creepy. Sin because Klaus is traumatized. +1

“We’re Through” by the Hollies is one of my favorite songs to play on guitar. It’s a decent coffee shop piece and I like playing it live. Thank you show, for helping me discover it. -1

Klaus is taking a bath with the door open. +1

Luther has been eating his Wheaties, Cha Cha. If you call experimental ape drugs, Wheaties. +1

Luther describing sunrise on the moon. I like this bit of writing. -1

Where were Hazel and Cha Cha keeping their guns and masks? Special pockets? +1

Diego is the only person who could possibly bring knives to a gun fight and win. Diego is a badass. -1

Hazel and Cha Cha continue to have stormtrooper aim. There are so many times when either could have shot Diego, but magically miss because Diego has plot armor. +1

Reginald’s portrait gets shot though. Right in some lethal areas. This amuses me. -1

Grace is so out of it she doesn’t notice heavy gunfire. Reggie, you suck. +1

“Who the hell are these guys?”/”Who the hell are these people?” +1

Diego, Luther and Allison just saved your ass. Less arguing, more fighting the crazy people. +1

Reggie keeps convenient weapons everywhere like they’re lamps. +1

Vanya is still in the Academy hours after the meeting, and she doesn’t think to hide during all this crazy gunfire and fighting. Sigh. +1

Seriously, it’s like she’s trying to get killed. +1

But she doesn’t because she has plot armor. +1

“Hey, asshole” goes back to Five’s “hey, assholes” from episode one. So did Luther learn that from Five, did Five learn that from Luther, or did Reggie decide that that was an acceptable phrase to teach his children? I lowkey want to write all three in a crackfic. Nice. -1

Vanya probably has a concussion. Otherwise, she would have attempted to run, right? Please tell me she isn’t that stupid. +1

You know that b99 meme where shit is going down and Gina is just chilling with her headphones. Yeah. That. Klaus, get some situational awareness, please. Also, what are these magic noise cancelling headphones that can block out the sound of gunfire and where can I buy them? +1

Allison, I understand why you don’t want to rumor anyone, but your life is literally in danger. I think you can forgive yourself if you rumor Hazel and Cha Cha into not killing you and your family. +1

“You wanna rumor this psycho?” “I don’t need to because this bitch just pissed me off” These are both horrible lines. I can’t tell if it’s because of the writers or because of the actors, but both of these lines are genuinely terrible. +1

“We just want the boy”. Nice comics reference, Cha Cha. -1

Diego doesn’t attempt to fight Cha Cha and give Allison the upper hand. He just sort of stands there. What the hell, Diego? +1

And when he does fight her, he doesn’t use any long range weapons. Diego, this is your house. I’m assuming you know where the knife drawer is? +1

Ben attempts to give Klaus privacy. In this situation. That’s a sin. I would risk seeing my brother’s naked body if it meant he wouldn’t be shot. Just sayin’, Ben. Get all up in his face. Put your ghost hands through his head. Get his attention! +1

Luther and Hazel can go hand to hand as equals and the show never addresses why. +1

Vanya really is that stupid. There are plenty of doors. And the fire escape from Five’s room. Vanya, run!+1

Luther had plenty of time to get out of the way of the chandaller. Why didn’t he shove his siblings and follow one of them? The motion would have made sense. +1

This ape reveal makes no sense. It would have worked in episode one, but it’s weird in episode 3. Why didn’t they reveal this to the audience earlier? +1

The dinosaur footprint sound effect. +1

Why didn’t Vanya and Allison hear Grace humming? Also, why didn’t anyone hear Hazel and Cha Cha breaking in. It was established in episode one that there is no soundproofing. +1

Grace is cross stitching the moon exploding. Foreshadowing. -1

She is pulling the needle through her own hand though. +1

Who gave Grace that nice bracelet? That’s so adorable. -1

Diego killed his own mother. +1

However, it is a mercy kill. Who knows what Luther or Allison would have done to her if they had found out how screwed up Grace was. I’m really conflicted about this scene. On one hand, fridging, on the other, it makes sense. Therefore, it’s a wash. -1

What is this magic cloth that Allison gives Vanya to mop up the blood and where can I get it? Seriously, it cleans up blood ridiculously well. To the point where it doesn’t look like Vanya’s been injured. +1

Diego takes out his anger/sadness/frustration on Vanya. Also, Diego would be excellent at cinema sins. Vanya could have been killed and she was stupid to stay, but there is no reason to raise your voice at her like that, Diego. +1

“She is a liability”. And you are an asshole. Diego just said that line to Allison as if Vanya wasn’t even there. As if she was just some inanimate burden. Fuck Diego for this line. +1

Allison doesn’t even attempt to defend Vanya. Even if Diego made a good point, there is no reason to let him get away with that kind of emotional abuse. +1

The show kind of addresses Luther’s body image issues, but doesn’t let him talk about it. +1

When did Vanya get Leonard’s address? +1

“I didn’t know where else to go”. Home perhaps? To your apartment? And not into the arms of creepy Leonard? +1

Hazel and Cha Cha didn’t discuss what to do if shit went sideways. No wonder Five was better than them. +1

When would Hazel have kidnaped Klaus? We don’t see it happen so we should just assume that Klaus appeared there magically? +1

Hazel and Cha Cha have FRC 891 as a licence plate. Neverending Chaos. Google FRC 891 Umbrella Academy. -1

Overall Review:

I forgot just how important episode three really is. Here we learn just how harmful Vanya’s book was, that Vanya is in an orchestra, and more about Leonard. This episode carves out who Vanya is as a character before Leonard sinks his claws into her. We can see the effects of the pills on her ability to connect with others and her ability to play the violin. 

We also get a lot from the other characters. The Claire reveal is a big one for Allison. So is the ape reveal for Luther, even if it should have happened two episodes ago. 

As for acting shout outs, Emmy Raver-Lampman and Jordan Claire Robbins killed it in this episode. I can’t wait to see more of Emmy in s2 and I really hope that Jordan will return. 

There was some excellent use of irony in this episode. Like a lot of irony. What killed me was the Griddy’s scene. Hazel and Cha Cha pretending to care about Five’s well being so they can murder him and Agnes being indignant about someone as young as Five getting a tattoo is just amazing. 

As for plot things, this was really a Vanya-centric episode. It establishes a lot of things about her, which makes the twist at the end even more obvious. This is not my first, second, or even third rewatch, so I know what’s coming, but how did I not see it before? When I first watched it I thought that Five was the main character and that Vanya was a self-insert. Looking back, I can see that Five and Vanya had pretty equal backstory and screen time given to them. You could make the argument that they are the main characters. You could even argue that they’re the primary protagonist and antagonist, but to be frank, that discussion should be saved for episode 10. 

Total: 133

Sentence: Eating a dumpster bagel. 

[usermischief]

Allison: People are dying, Scott. What am I supposed to do? Scott: You're supposed to trust me. Allison: I trust you more than anyone. Scott: We've - we had a plan. Allison: So do they. Scott: This isn't going to work. Allison: What do you want me to do? Okay, I can - I can fix it. Please, please, Scott. Just tell me. Scott: Just stay out of the way. Allison: Scott! Scott: Stay out of the way!

.... how exactly is she supposed to trust you if you don’t even tell her about the plan you have? How exactly is she supposed to trust you if you pretend it’s cool that you date other people? How exactly is she supposed to trust you if you tell her you’re fine with her kissing Matt? Also.... Allison tried to tell you that she told her dad about everything, but you were more worried about Victoria putting your dick in a pencil sharpener. 

[waterparchive]

Sex, Spongebob and sweaty hands: Inside the wild world of Waterparks fanfiction

By Marianne Eloise

Waterparks have a devout and imaginative fanbase – so asking them for fanfiction might seem like a recipe for chaos. But that's exactly what vocalist Awsten Knight has done with his podcast, Slumber Party

(May 1, 2020)

When I call Waterparks frontman Awsten Knight at 1pm, he hasn’t been awake for long. Since we spoke in February, the pandemic has changed things for everyone. Unsurprisingly, he’s a little less busy than usual.

Despite a familiar-sounding “descent into madness”, Knight’s getting through quarantine the same way as all of us: jigsaw puzzles, Animal Crossing and weighing up subscribing to streaming services. “It feels so wasteful. I was like, man, am I buying a fourth streaming thing? Per month? That seems irresponsible. Eh, fuck it. I’m home,” he laughs.

He’s also been doing DIY – namely deciding where to put his vision boards: “My place is very spacious and clean and the walls are white. I get nervous about putting too many things on the wall.”

Meanwhile, many of Waterparks' fans have been keeping themselves occupied with the latest season of Awsten’s podcast, Slumber Party. The premise is as ingenious as it is cringeworthy: Awsten and his friend Travis Riddle read out Waterparks fanfiction and rate it.

Travis, who Awsten calls a “grammar dude”, is a writer and editor with the credentials to give thorough feedback. Now in its third season, the podcast’s submissions are often erotic, making for awkward reading for its star. Even the PG ones make him shudder: “It’s literally Waterparks fanfiction. That is so gross and weird!” he laughs.

Awsten was innocent to the concept entirely until 2015, when he naively tweeted, 'I hope someday someone writes weird sexual fanfic about me and SpongeBob. That's what I want. These are my goals.'

“Someone wrote the most graphic thing about Spongebob in half an hour, and I was like – ‘never mind!’ That was my intro into fanfic,” he says.

Awsten’s fans often struggle with boundaries, and it seems counterintuitive for him to dip his toe into the murky pool of fanfic. But the idea originally came from him and Travis wanting to do something together: “The very first idea was to read the fanfiction and then talk about it and the validity of it and whether or not it could happen – which usually it couldn’t,” he laughs.

The current season was recorded last year, which Awsten is grateful for: “It’s already a struggle to keep your head right at home, he says. "If I had to read fanfiction all day, I wouldn’t be good!”

For season three, they’ve moved up in the world from Awsten’s bedroom to a set-up in a suite with a fireplace in Beverly Hills. He’s proud of the show’s quality, but ever the perfectionist, he’s looking to ramp it up: “I want to be like, on a horse in the next one,” he suggests – before adding that there’s the matter of financing a fleet of horses to think about. We brainstorm ways to get his Patreon subscribers to pay for it: “We will say your name while we’re on the horse and send you a video!”

He’s laughing, but there’s every chance he might go for it.

I ask Awsten whether he has a favourite submission. “No. Fanfic sucks, I hate it all, it’s all bad, I have no favourites,” he jokes, adding that what he does have is a handful of very least things he's received.

“There’s one where it was me but from every era with all these different colours of hair and then we all fuck each other," he says. "It was really weird. I hated that. I hate all the gross ones where they go over the top."

But his least favourite genre is slash, wherein he and his bandmates hook up: “There’s a lot of weird ones where Geoff and I are banging. I don’t like the ones where Geoff and I are banging, because he has sweaty hands in real life. If I’m getting hurt or Geoff is getting sweaty with his hands on me, then I don’t like those.”

There is something he can stand, though, which is stories with a paranormal twist. “They’ve had demonic stuff happen, there have been fairies, there have been magical horses. There have been a few possessions. They definitely get weird with it.” He adds that this season, they’re leaning into the paranormal with a spooky episode. “The ones that stick with me, the ones I like the most, are the paranormal ones. The haunted ones. There’s an episode in this season that’s not out yet where it’s all the scary ones and we turn out the lights and make it spooky”.

While some of his dedicated fans can be aggressive, many of them are creative in their adoration. Opening the floodgates to reams of fanfiction seems like a recipe for chaos. At first, Awsten and Travis sourced the stories themselves, but after creating an inbox for the podcast, they noticed a shift in the content. “In the next season when they knew they could submit stories, it was a skyrocket of insane, nasty stuff. They were just trying to be shocking so they could get on. We let a few of them go, but not all, because we didn’t want it all to be like: ‘and THEN he put his dick in a pencil sharpener!’”

In recent months, Awsten has been trying to stay offline, both to mitigate the negativity and avoid internalising too much input on his music: “If you tweeted or made songs or art or whatever for your most sensitive followers, you would have the most shitty, bland work ever,” he says. "That’s another reason to just stay away and focus on the reason they’re supposed to be there in the first place – which is what you make.

"Some people say they’ll like it either way, and I’m like, on the off chance they hate it, I want it to at least be something I really love, so I can be like, well, I like it.”

There’s one band in particular whose approach to focusing on their own goals Awsten admires: “Sometimes I wonder if certain things will get liked more in the future. Like the way when Folie à Deux, the Fall Out Boy album, came out, everyone just fucking hated it, but it’s so good,” he says. “But they don’t look back on their past like it’s their glory days, they’re moving forward and I love that. It would be so easy for them to spoon feed people Cork Tree over and over, but if they had done that, where would they be right now? It doesn’t feel trend-chasing, and I really appreciate that.”

He’s quick, however, to not draw too many comparisons: “We’re definitely not Fall Out Boy level so we’re not big enough to be hated that much,” he laughs.

Even when he’s not reading their fanfiction, Awsten has to manage his band’s relationship with a passionate fandom who often express their obsession inappropriately. When he’s so often on the receiving end of adoration, it’s easy to forget that he’s a fan himself. One upcoming episode of Slumber Party, which Awsten calls his “most difficult” to film, will feature Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.

“It’s not cute, because we always have fanfiction of the guests," he says. "It was the weirdest thing ever. I respect him so much. Trying to get him to read that, I was like...uhh.” His discomfort is genuine, and he jokes that whenever someone he admires follows him, he gets “self-conscious” and posts less dumb stuff.

It’s a gentle reminder that no matter how many fans someone has, they’re likely also a fan of someone they admire in a way that makes them feel awkward – it’s just a matter of whether they choose to log off or write fanfiction about it.

Stream Awsten and Travis’s Slumber Party podcast on Patreon