#go out they said itll be fun they said
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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luca marinelli character FIGHT: FINAL ROUND
it's been a fun ride. our final round is exactly what i expected it to be when this whole thing began, but truly where else could it have ended. it is, of course:
the RULES of this hypothetical fight are as follows:
weapons are BANNED.
re: nicky's immortality, within the constrains of the fight if primo managed to kill him then the fight would end and primo would win, even if nicky got better. essentially i want the immortality factor to have as little effect as possible (but he retains the 900 years of experience
outside help is not allowed. this is a one on one luca character only cage match.
take the above as guidelines only if you have a funnier hypothetical scenario but to keep this fair please vote based on who would win the fight. i think this is more evenly matched than one may think instinctually
ARGUMENTS can be found below the cut
i'll be honest these are difficult to divide into pro nicky vs pro primo arguments so here they are anyway and you can decide
"Nicky arguably wouldn't kill you unless you're a threat/have done something seriously bad, while Primo would probably kill you for cutting him off in traffic. He's killed people out of sheer annoyance and spite which is a thousand times more dangerous." - @goldheartedsky
"Nicky would not have needed two shots to stop Bertollini's car. Just saying." - @astrabear
"Primo junkies tend to dwell most on his physicality and malice (for good damn reason). But his cunning is what ultimately makes for winning ways. And yet, …how could he outmaneuver Nicky’s near millennia of sheer experience. That priestly powerhouse has seen it all. And yet, …Primo’s drive seems able to overrun every possible obstacle. Can he win on that white hot will? Or will another left hook like bicycles or phone phobias scupper his schemes? The only possible way to win this all is if he could manage to sway another Old Guardian to betrayal. To get the jump on Nicky (not that kind of jumping on) the surprise must come from within. No way Primo has that level of science or magic or whatever to sway one now. Nicky takes it and doesn't feel the least bit sad about it." - anon (really appreciate the level of thought put into this submission)
primo may strike first but nicky would retaliate and that would be the end of it
primo may have killed a lot of people but nicky has killed significantly more over the course of like 1000 years
and MY argument: i think primo could do it. i think primo could react with enough sheer speed and surprise factor that nicky would be caught off guard. but then again. this is nicolo di genova we're talking about here. ultimately i think they're fairly well matched under the above constraints. so.
#luca marinelli character FIGHT#luca marinelli#the old guard#trust fx#primo nizzuto#nicolò di genova#using main tags and everything. let's go#excited for this. hoping it's more well matched than people might initially assume. wanna have fun with it#i ended up deciding whether weapons are banned by asking my sibling who said yes#so they're banned. but i don't think it changes much about the outcome#they're pretty evenly matched both ways. i think#anyway. go forth and vote. please add your thoughts on how you think this is playing out / arguments onto the post itll be funny. audience#award for tags / arguments still undecided so
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#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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watching isttvg with your partner and holding their hand with the sudden awareness of how close you came to death. thinking: we are alive, we are alive, we are alive. thinking: every day we save ourselves from more and worse. thinking: for the love of god, dont let go.
#i saw the tv glow#obviously we are both trans#im with my family for the summer and i forget who i am#i see her speak to her father and i feel sick with pain#but we are alive. we are here. we are crawling out of that grave inch by inch#once i said 'im not trans bc i could keep pretending to be cis'. i get made fun for it and rightfully so#but that sentiment is death. that sentiment is death. nothing else.#we have spent so much of our lives lying. suffocating and lying and apologizing for everything that's true.#this is me stopping. please come with me. please stop. for the love of god - keep crawling. please. we have to go.#this cannot be us. never again. we cannot pretend reality away we cannot choose not to see it. itll kill us.#i found our hearts and theyre still beating. we are alive. there is still time#for as long as your heart is beating. there is still time. please. dont let go.
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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I fucking love the desert I haven't been there in years but between constant danger days thoughts and falling in love with it back when I've visited family there i can just zone out and feel like im standing there im so fucking like spiritually connected to it.
#talk to me about the desert please i want to talk about exploring it and finding cool stuff and hunting scorpions for fun and and#everything the horrible heat but the energy there the mirages but the spirituality of being in the desert and seeing the#vast horizon#like lsdunes said. the limitless sky#one day im going to put a little trailer on some land in the desert and make it my quaint little home#and have a cool garden like my aunt with her little trailer in the redwoods#and itll be my escape for art and music and a cat and room for friends to stay as long as they dont mind cuddling or the futon#and ill explore the desert every day#and send praise for the Phoenix witch for real#and become one with the buzzards and coyotes#because every time i close my eyes im back in socal a mile out in the desert#standing in a shack i found with no windows or doors anymore and no roof just four disintegrating concrete walls#with a poem graffitied on the wall inside talking about the sun and god#and my pockets full of forgotten artifacts#cool rocks rusted bits of metal and one apache tear i found in the sand#that looked like the night sky had fallen#dripped to the desert below and solidified#and the desert decided to gift it to me#corvids rambles
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playing a lying liar who lies in dnd is all fun and games until someone wants something from u that you lied about knowing but dont know anything about and its like well.... guess ill go fake my death while im at it
#:)#i cant sleep cause apparently after months my brain decided it was gonna overthink dnd today#anyway my plan to get out of the lie is to lie more which um.... im sure itll work#going the 'youre crazy i never said that' is not the first route id usually take#but apparently 5am brain said this isthe plan#i trust 5am no sleep brain#im sure nothing will go wrong here#tbh playing a half fae who just lies so.... so much is very fun#like i think its one of their most consistent character traits agshehshdhd#corri lies for fun and for work#sometimes this character giving me big feels#half fae half elf half caster half martial fighter#constantly in the middle not fully welcome on either side#so of COURSE theyre two faced and vague about things pertaining to themself#yesterday i called them a borzoi: silly noodle doggy whos actually a very scary guard dog#ugh i need to show u guys my horrible corrigan photoshops#made one of the afformentioned borzoi but i also have a roach corrigan in the same genre#cause of course my silly fae wizard is also the party TANK#:)))))))
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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I need a doctor who has the patience, experience, humor, and directness to listen to whatever new treatment ideas I've concocted, and then either say "Alex, that's a stupid fucking idea, let me explain why," or "The risks are acceptable in my professional opinion. Let's go over pros and cons and then you can think about it and decide what to do."
I just think it would be fun. For me. And I wish I could find a doctor who would also find that fun. I already came up with one fun Treatment for an Illness and have been successfully using it to treat The Illness for almost a YEAR, and all the side effects are awesome so like...I am certainly full of hubris at this point.
#i dont wanna say what i take or what im treating bc its like...well...zero doctors recommended it lol. and two doctors said “that might work#but uhhhhh i dont think im the right doctor for that.“ wait. three doctors said that. but i asked the third doctor ”pwease. youre the third#doctor to tell me to go to a different doctor. i need help.“ (i was fucking desperate. i was missing so many days of work that i basically#lost an entire paycheck's worth of money in two months and like. i had also SPENT that much on the doctors who inevitably ran out of their#own ideas and then recommended i go elsewwhwre to try my idea WHICH IS FAIR but also all 3 doctors did agree it was worth a shot so like....#i kinda needed ONE of them to actually. try it. it just took 6 months for the first one to run out of ideas and then another two or three#months to get in to see my genderal physician and then see a doctor he recommended who then recommended i go elsewhere and thats the doctor#who i was like “youre the third doctor to say that...i dont know who else to try.” goodness im glad she helped. my medicine is like $15 a#month (it was $10 when i had insurance) and i am in love with every single “side effect” and!!!! yea it has given me a large sum of hubris.#anyways.) i wanna do that again but with my other Significantly Disabling Illness. like why not lol. im already on 3 medicines that are#recommended to *not* take together (none of which are the medicine i chose to take aldjskds) so like.............seems like we#are at a “just try shit out and see what happens” stage. doctors should send me resumes and ill pick the one that looks most fun and then#we will do fun science together on my nerves system :) itll be fine lol. am i serious or kidding? i have no idea.#sorenhoots
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If spotify labels the daylist whiny pop punk and then fills it with alt indie and modern emo to the left one more time im riding to headquarters and bringing a chair.
Am taking stock of the suggestions and titles though will report at some point theres some bangers
#winter speaks#type daylist into the searchbar of apotify they sai. itll be fun they said#genjinely nice im finding new music i like blah blah but fuckin hell label iy wjat it is please im begging#havin a time of dissoviating like a fuckin king on good music soup#e else do the tbing where yiure habin a mental episode and then you hit a bunch of emergancy off switches#and then youre just sittin like :'D what is happening ever. i could always do tnis? this is an optikn?#and youre so cjill and its nice and yiu forget what shitty mental health is until you get out of the brain foh and go haha i forgot#im mentally illll lmao. all while listening tona shittily labeled spotify playlist#i mised shitposyinh on here tumblr tags are the fuckin best
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The next month will literally be the best shit ever if everything goes right because
my school will officially be over (though the results of the finals will be out in july, but at least the finals themselves will be over soon)
my dad is getting me a new laptop that may have like a touch screen so I could draw more comfortably and also finally play Sims and Subnautica and Road 96 with more than 1fps
we're moving out of my grandma's!!!!! my mom found a place that's literally in the next building from here so we'll still be close to her and I generally love the area we currently live in so it'd be perfect and the owner wants to rent it out on the 1st
and with that I'll maybe be able to!!!!! Have a kittye!!!!!!!! my mom's friend's cat had babies recently and my mom already agreed long ago that I could get a pet once we move out and unless something goes terribly bad with like our new place or money or smth well adopt one of the kibbies I've never had a pet bigger than a rabbit in my life and I need to have a cat as soon as possible they're god's most beautiful creatures
also I'll have to redo my commission sheet since I'll be Free and also No Longer in School so I'll Need Money and my mom's gonna help me find some small simple jobs and if that goes well I'll be able to get myself some new piercings (I'm thinking snake bites)
I don't remember if there's anything else happening but like I can't wait everything good happens this June I wish I could like timeskip to June 1st right now
#exploding and screaming#honestly im the most excited about the new laptop and a KITTY#im already thinking of names#my mom said its gonna be mostly my pet#since shes always busy with work so she wouldn't have time to care for it#and my brother is 1. a little irresponsible shit and 2. he already has two cats at his grandparents' place#like we dont have the same dad and his dad's parents take care of his cats when hes not there#so!!! ill be the one to name the kibbye#unless it'll have a name already but. its gonna be a babye kitty so i dont think itll matter that much if I'd change it?#currently im considering: lasagna or salem or cyberbibo or a name thats a reference to some media i like#i dont have any specific references in mind rn#also cyberbibo means literally nothing bibo is just a silly little sound me and my sister make at each other#and as many other vocal stims it became an inside joke between us#cyberbibo in biboland is one of those silly inside jokes. it means nothing there is no lorw#but its fun to say out loud#lasagna would be perfect for an orange cat but the babies that my mom's coworker got are like white-tabby#and salem is just cute#honestly ill probably go with it unless i can think of something better#cause like#it's both a cool silly name and a name thats normal enough for my mom to agree on it#and in some years when i move out and maybe have a second cat i could name it something silly because no one will have the power to stop me#im just. so excited#ive always wanted a cat and it felt like its not even possible like its always just gonna be a dream#at least until im much older and able to move out and afford a pet#but. i could have a cat in a month or two. after we move out and get used to the new house and get everything we need for a cat#and once we get it i will be sharing pictures of it with everyone always at all times. people need to see my child my wee little baby#bee buzz
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#if u r curious abt following the saga that is my life:#i did finally accept an official offer from a school this afternoon. which is a huge relief and really exciting#and for once i think i did something that will b good for me in mind and body lol bc i think i could b happy with any of the places i#applied to but this program is most geared to my interests and its in a place where i think i can have fun due to the accessibility#of nature and the mountains haha. like at rutgers i think i could have got a good education and had a lot of opportunities but i think it#would have crushed my soul a lil bc it would b more high pressure and in the city. ya kno? so i hopefully i dont regret the choice lol#i still have to wait on the offical acceptance stuff but now at least i can allow myself to get excited abt the potential project and start#researching. which i mean ill have 5yrs of a phd for that but idk im excited and my life feels so empty and meaningless rn ive gotta take#the excitement where i can haha#anyway housing is gonna b a bitch bc there arent a lot of places available in grad student price ranges in the city to the point where they#said so in the official offer rip. and i have to decide when im leaving the southwest bc i could stay til August or leave in july and take#like a whole almost 2 months to just not b doing anything for a sec. and my dad was like !!! u could go to the crazy state parks#or drive out to the pacific northwest! and that would b amazing but also that sounds so scary to do on my own lol#like i dont wanna b missing and murdered as a youngish non guy traveling alone#but i could do it if i tried im sure. anyway i just wanted to let yall kno#bc im so doom and gloom on here all the time but a transition period is looming so im only stuck here for a few more months#and hopefully itll b a page turn into a happier place haha#watch out yellowstone cyanobacteria. im coming for u >:-]#knock on wood. ya kno. just in case#hhhh at least i can breathe a lil better now i have a direction#unrelated
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impulsively ordered an audio interface last friday so i could record better instead of just using a guitar to usb cord. then i regretted it the next day, but it was too late to cancel the order. i have it now, and i just played my guitar for the first time since well last friday.. so if i have it…. i might as well just try it out
#honestly its just been do nothing creative but listen to music a lot -> spend hours messing around on guitar and writing -> give back and#go back to doing nothing#on repeat#but i GUESS if i have it i can try to use it instead of returning it#i dont know if itll work with my bass or acoustic electric ://#i mean i can just try.. playing in a good quiet room with the acoustic but#cant really record bass in the same way#but i dont want to program the bass on garage band :’( or audacity if i decide to try it out#i dont even know how to connect it to my laptop#the order said it comes with a usb c to a cable#to be honest i cant even play anything fancy but its still pretty fun
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big tragedy
#ok so a couple friends that ive known for. 8. 8!!!! years now (sorry thats insane wth) are on their minor abroad#and generally being in separate uni's we RARELY see eachother#so were going to do a powerpoint presentation catchup thingy. you know the tiktok ones.#fucknig fine whatever thats cute ig.#except i am boring as hell and have nothing to talk about. yes miku expo was a big thing for me so i can talk about that yadayada#BUT THEN.#i realised that a. huge fucking part of me. (<- TRANNY) has never been officially addressed.#ok! fun ill officially come out and mention my other names and pronouns yippeee thats good!!#sillyposting#but now. the horrors are hitting.#otherwise known as: girlypop wants to loop her birthday together with this get-together.#and thats awesome i fucking love her shes great but now.#NOW IT FEELS SO BAD TO MAKE THIS MY SPECIAL DAYY T-T#and i KNOW i shouldnt bc. were all coming together as friends and shes just being efficient but. you get it.#i will officially come out. im ready.#and that alone feels great.#it should already be pretty clear im a faggot transgender etc but. itll be nice to really say it. i hope theyre not surprised.#like. ive said it. in my opinion. but who knows if they remember or care or believe.#most of them are already gay n. itll be FINEE im excited.#=w=bb#anyway yeagh feels bad to do it on her bday ig but i get itt this is something i HAVE to do o7#its a shame other girlypop fell off she was the first one i EVER came out to. looking back its weird to come out as ace to someone but.#it was nice. i was a newly queer teen. i wish she could be here but. as soon as highschool ended she dipped. good for her.#oh to be 15 years old again. i didnt even know what the fuck would happen to me.
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really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row
#vent#why am i suddenly the worst person to exist to everyone again for having bpd and complex emotions. 2023s coming back in a new way#like oh wow Have you ever thoguht of how Aria Feels. Have you ever thought to fucking talk to me about this . god.#this specific group of people keeps making me miserable and then complains about me being miserable about it. like yea. bc that makes sense#maybe i shouldve left all of you huh. maybe i shouldve done that. i need to be the one with agency over my emotions for fucking once.#everyone walks all over me and expects it to do nothing. keeping my fears in check and keeping my confirmation biases very much there.#lua if you see this that was entirely fucking unwarranted. im not some fucking evil person. i just have BPD. we tried.#i dont like venting to you for every single little thing either and it makes me miserable too! it wouldve been nice if you said that first.#all of it made me miserable but thats all we ever fucking talked about.#i really fucking tried just to get kicked down and spit at again for something so stupid and then the remaining 3 also left again.#what am i supposed to do. what do you want me to do.#i genuinely tried. i always wanted to try but just got left with questions and unexplainable emotions. and now everythings like this again#no explanations. nothing to give me any benefit of the doubt. just no youre evil and awful for this thing that we all also do but#were all going to blame YOU for not being honest about your emotions. and then i start being very open about my emotions#and people hate that too. literally what do you fucking want from me anymore. have i been anything other than a strawman to any of you#just an ideal to chase . just whatever you want to form me into ?#i am not a saint and never claim to be or claim to be the best or even most reasonable opinion. but you should all maybe evaluate that your#extraordinarily comically bad at anything regarding this. better at communicating my fucking ass.#i dont want to be at either of you twos fucking whims anymore. i dont even want to be at my own.#leave me the hell alone. observe me at a distance. just dont fucking talk to me until you have something better to say.#i did not need that. it is unfair to me. not now. not any time. not near my birthday not near new years. i did not need this suddenly today#because people dont communicate anything to me. and then expect me to be fine to be slapped in the face with it like its expected.#you people fucking suck.#i feel abused by fucking everyone. i am not a real person to any of you and never will be. nobody cared about my personhood#and you know what. im fine with that. because neither of you are here anymore.#literally i am mentally not built for people who made me miserable then blaming me for my misery . or the most stupid friendgroup drama of#the century i am built for playing touys and having fun Fuck u all forever get out of my life FOREVER !#itll probably come back again and then ill be mentally susceptible to this bullshit again but for now literally just . fuck off.#i dont want to be in your ouroboros ( lol ) of endless misery feedback loop bullshit anymore#like woww i have problems but Wow. Its almost like you two made it worse? Idk! Just a thought.
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why are glasses so expensiveeeee
#glad they do the 2 for 1 thing here bc I'll need a lab pair I can put in a safety goggle frame & and a general use pair#got my eyes tested and yeah my astigmatism is a lot worse LOL well it has been forever since i last had em checked#and i was wondering why looking at screens is so difficult and why my vision is sooo bad cycling at night i get crazy glare#well. one week til i can pick them up and then hopefully no more headaches and i wont get into any car accidents lmao#i mean my vision isnt THAT dire I can see fine without glasses just uncomfortable innit. esp if i have to focus#picked up my mail too so thats done... dont rly wanna leave the house again until climbing tn so im just gonna chill#also bought myself mouthwashing as a treat... it is my week off after all :3 i think im gonna watch a movie first tho so i can sort out#admin stuff and update my planner......and maybe journal a bit i have some shit I wanna work out#mildly annoying i wont be able to pin my roommate down to talk over the next few days bc im going out tn and tmr night#and we were gonna hang during the day bc she has time off work too but shes said she'll be too tired so she'll just be in her cave#and then idk if she did make plans for the weekend in the end but tbh if I cant talk to her abt shit beforehand I'll cancel for this time#I'm tired of every group social thing w her being tainted by this I just wanna have fun & not feel shit for being alienated for once#it was my friends birthday this week and id like to do smth nice w them but if we both go together ik she'll just upset me#unintentionally bc i havent been able to talk to her abt it yet. but still.#maybe ill just make separate plans w our friend then i dont wanna be an asshole to them bc i have a problem with someone else entirely#anyway. its not that deep just need to clear things up. fucking hell can my stomach stop COMPLAINING its not lunch yet!!!!#its okay. grrrrrrr. maybe if i have a snack itll calm down. i rly need another drs appt to bring up my physical issues but whatever#dealing w the depression is the priority hopefully my digestive system and menstrual cycle wont kill me in the meantime#okay thats my oversharing done for this thursday morning love u guys bye#.diaries
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