#giving her all. feeling isolated and lonely. not being enough. fighting with herself. list and horniness. loving herself. feeling at the top

[par-slayyy]

Burning hill but it's my relationship to my passions and burn out

[lightofthemoonglow]

running up that hill: part two

Summary: Now a fully free man, Herbert tries to cope with the loss of the woman he loves, not aware that she's still alive, but has (mostly) forgotten him, her brain rewriting things to cope with her own trauma.

series masterlist

warnings: canon typical language, some mild violence. canon typical body horror. hallucinations. hallucinations involving a creepy baby.

word count: 6k

cowritten with @deviantdrkate

i. flashback interlude, part one(March-April 1999)

“Solitary confinement?”

Moncho nods. “For the next few months, at least.”

“What did he do?” Elena’s voice is devoid of the burning curiosity that may eat her alive from the inside, from the anxiety that is already gnawing at her innards. Instead, she sounds mildly inquisitive at most as she takes out the contents of her bag and begin to arrange them on the folding table.

“Not exactly sure what the initial offense was, but I know that the warden added on time for mouthing off.”

Of course, Herbert would mouth off to the warden even when he was already in trouble. It’s just a part of his nature to poke the bear. And yet, she still needs to take a deep breath to keep from screaming, to keep that wild girl she had once been locked up. The wild girl who had gotten into fights in the 7-11 parking lot, who knew the taste of blood in her mouth, wanted to come out and give the warden what was coming to him. One day, she tells herself. One day, the warden will get what he deserves. In her anger, Elena can only pray that God shows His divine love by making sure the warden’s end is brutal, something fitting for a man like him. Because if He doesn’t, she might have to.

The irony of praying for an avowed atheist does not escape her.

The two of them have been sneaking around for a few months by now. Spring is just around the corner, green starting to emerge from the earth. The world is starting to be reborn. It’s the time of year when Elena can feel God the most. It’s been months of kisses being as far as they went, clasped hands as they pretend to pray, secret, stolen moments with only God as their witness . There is a want that feels like the sea trying to pull her under. They have been very careful and so far, have been able to get away with it.

It’s worth it, though. This is as close as she’s ever come to that feeling of completeness that they kept telling her would come if she just prayed enough.

“Sounds like West.” Elena’s voice doesn’t change, aside from a hint of annoyance that she has to force. As if she’s only irked that she won’t have your regular help around. One of the few things that the prison does correctly is limiting the prisoners who can work with her. The list is very short and she has all but declared Herbert as the sole person allowed to serve as her assistant. There likely won’t be anyone else, as it would disrupt the workflow and no one wants to go through the effort of going through the men that can be taken off their usual duties and evaluating which one she would be safest around. It would be easier for her to just work alone, with guards only coming in when someone wanted to spend time with God.

It’s lonely without Herbert. The prison chapel feels cold, lonely. Somewhere in her chest is a small hole, a feeling of emptiness that can’t be filled by prayer. God is silent and Elena knows what she must do.

--

It’s been a month since this latest round of solitary confinement started. By now, after years of this, Herbert has learned to keep track of time. The first time, he had been unable to, so as soon as the second time had begun, he had begun to develop a system.

This time, something is different. And deep down, he knows what it is. Before, he had been as alone as a man in prison could be. It had been easy for him to get used to the intense isolation because it wasn’t that far off from his normal life. But after having spent the last several months being around Elena on a daily basis, things had changed. Despite his best efforts,she had become a bigger part of his life than he ever could have guessed.

Maybe that’s why he’s hallucinating.

Herbert has been up for over 80 hours at this point. He’s trying to mentally work through the latest phase in his research, staring straight up at the ceiling and when he turns his head, she’s right there, sitting on the edge of the bed. Her long dark hair is loose, flowing past her shoulders. The apparition of Elena is wearing a t-shirt and jeans, the same clothes that she had worn the day the confessional had been built. He supposes that he had preferred that to the Christmas sweater, hence why the imaginary version of her is wearing it. The hallucination’s face has an off-putting quality, edging into the uncanny valley.

“You should sleep.” A hand reaches out and he doesn’t feel anything when her fingers brush across his forehead. “Might as well.”

“And you’re not really here. You’re a figment of my imagination.”

“Obviously. But does that mean that you love me any less?”

She’s just staring at him, her face tinged with concern. It’s Elena’s face, but it’s also not. Maybe that’s why he can say things to her that he could never say to the real one. There’s a long pause. Herbert licks his suddenly dry lips.

“No.”

ii. holding you again could only do me good (September 2002)

It’s 11:02 in the morning. They’ve just gotten off their shift and should be on their way home. Not walking through mall doors alongside the elderly who are here for their morning walk. Herbert is a man on a mission, he has a plan. This does not include letting Dan stop at Cinnabon. The gate in front of Bath and Body works has barely been pulled up when Herbert makes his way inside, responding to the sales associate asking if he needs any assistance with a curt “I know what I’m here for.”

Two days before, Herbert had been in the break room, going over his schedule for the day when he had caught a whiff of a familiar scent coming from one of the other doctors. It wasn’t the same, likely due to skin chemistry, but it was close enough that he had asked what it was, staring at the woman in question intently until she had answered.

Sun-Ripened Raspberry, sold at Bath and Body Works. An easy find, though even if it hadn’t been, Herbert would have hunted for it until he had procured the latest target of his obsession, as Dan would put it. Though Herbert wouldn’t call himself obsessed. Rather, he would consider himself driven. Though this was a rather low-effort gain, especially by his standards. All he had needed to do was go to the mall, a place he avoided as much as possible. When he had formed his plan and even as he carries it out, it had seemed like a fine idea.

It isn’t until later, when Herbert is hovering by his bed, the recently used spray in hand, that he realizes that this plan is dripping with sentiment, it is the act of a foolish man.

But he gives into his desires and sets the bottle aside instead of throwing it away and he gets into bed, slowly drawing the pillow that had been spritzed with the body mist. The house is mostly quiet, the sound of the TV in Dan’s room only audible if Herbert truly focuses on trying to hear everything. Even though Dan is not one to barge in, Herbert still locks the door before commencing with the experiment.

The cotton of the pillowcase doesn’t quite feel the same as the cotton of her blouse. But at least it smells the same. If he were the sort, Herbert could close his eyes and imagine that instead of a pillow, his arms are around a body that’s firm from lean muscle in some spots, but softer in others, and all of it is warm and so alive. The parts of her he had been able to touch had always been warm, so he can only conclude that all of her would have been.

The circumstances they had been in had not allowed for them to hold each other skin to skin. The times they had been able to hold each other at all had been rare and brief. It’s only right now that Herbert wonders what it could have been like. To feel her naked body against his, bury his face in her neck or chest, inhale the scent of her body spray from the source. To feel the twitch of her legs against his as they slowly entangle their limbs. To not have to be on edge as they counted the moments they had until they had to part while listening for someone at the door.

Before Elena, Herbert had never been one for pleasures of the flesh, not even when he had been alone. Other things had been more important, such as the work. Prison had only further suppressed his urges. But then, she had come into his life and reached parts of him he had long thought to be dormant, maybe even no longer there. From the start, Elena had been different, getting to him, the mere thought of her leading him to pleasure himself in his cell the night they had met.

Though that had paled in comparison to experiencing her for himself.

After they had consummated their relationship, Herbert had realized what all the fuss had been about. He could understand how the act could cause irrational behavior and thinking because their relationship had been illogical, a foolish endeavor, which he had realized even before they had parted. They had discussed it several times but had never been able to stay away from each other. They hadn’t even been able to stop the physical aspect, willing to risk everything for carnal pleasure.

The memory of her body haunts him. Herbert had done his best to study her under the limitations forced on them, doing so with the zeal he reserved for only the finest of specimens. And she had been the finest of them all. His hips shift as the images flash through his mind, ghosts of sensation washing over him. Herbert just holds the pillow tighter as the thrusts develop a sloppy rhythm, unable to stop himself as it comes back to him.

Warm, soft, strong. The smell of sun-ripened raspberry feels like it’s going to envelop him. She’s under him, on top of him, legs around his waist, firmly planted on either side of his body. Her hand wraps around his throat, his pulse goes into a frenzy as she tentatively squeezes, he can feel the frantic fluttering of her heart as he lightly grips her throat. He’s inside of her, she’s taking all of him, her face lighting up with pleasure. One flesh, as her ‘good book’ would say. She’s so wet, the simple biological response eliciting so much delight from him that it’s obscene. Every movement, every sound she makes hammers in how wonderful and alive she is, and he never wants to let her go.

When Herbert opens his eyes, coming back to himself, he realizes that the front of his trousers are wet and that haze is being lifted. He’s gotten his senses back, and all that’s left is a hint of shame and the vague, but nearly ever-present sense of grief.

The smell had brought only a bit of comfort, the kind that comes with being reminded that something wonderful was real. Herbert isn’t sure if that means the experiment was a success or not.

It will need to be repeated.

iii. then I close my eyes to visit you and I again (September 2002)

“Where have you been, Liebling?”

The man’s voice is soft, almost gentle. There is a touch of roughness to it, and she swears that there is a hint of affection in his voice as well. Elena can’t figure out how she knows that, but she doesn’t want to question it. As she looks into his eyes, she feels more at peace than she has in a long time.

“I think I’ve been lost,” she whispers the thought dawning on her in that moment. “But you found me.” Yes, he has found her, and she wanted to be found for so long that she had almost given up hope. But now that he’s here, everything is going to be okay. “I was so worried that you wouldn’t find me.”

The man smiles and presses his forehead against hers. “Didn’t I vow to never let you go?”

Elena wants to say yes, of course you did, but her mouth won’t open, and her head refuses to even nod in confirmation. The man’s gaze is starting to burn, but she can’t look away.

His mouth is on her skin, warm and soft and familiar as he kisses her neck, down her chest It feels good, her body is singing in a way that some would say is sinful, but this feels more like reverence than sin. It is also familiar, achingly so.

The man raises his palm and Elena instinctively raises her own and presses it against his, twining their fingers together. It’s another familiar thing that makes her heart ache and she must choke back a sob as something pushes at the edges of her mind, screaming for her to remember.

The hem of her skirt is pushed up to her hips and she welcomes him eagerly, gripping his shirt tightly. A little gasp leaves her lips once he’s fully inside of her. It feels so good, it isn’t the sin they always told her it would be.

“I love you,” she whispers, and it feels like a burden has been lifted.

“But you let me go.” The warmth is gone from his voice. His hands go around her throat, but she’s still not afraid, not until his grip becomes too tight. As his hands tighten their grip around her neck, his eyes become cold, hateful. Elena’s hands come up, scrabbling along the backs of his in a futile attempt to get him to let go. “You left me behind.”

Her mouth opens, she tries to tell him that she didn’t mean to, that she’s sorry, but no words come out. When she tries to breathe, the smell hits her fast and hard. It’s sickly sweet, metallic, and acrid, she can taste that he’s burning even before she blinks and his skin becomes charred, as if he had burned within the blink of an eye.

“Please…” she manages to choke out as his hands press harder, making her struggle for air as his thrusts increase, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Tears prick at the corner of her eyes as she reaches up, grabs his upper arms to try and get him off her.

Instead, his skin sloughs off in her hands, exposing what’s underneath. Her hands come away red and burning. He grabs her chin and forces her to look at him, those beautiful eyes filled with hatred as the glasses melt into his face, melding into his flesh and he still stares down at her, accusing her without a word.

The scream dies in her throat as Elena bolts upright, clawing at her throat. It takes a moment for the fog to lift, and she needs to remind herself that it was just a dream. He can’t hurt her, he’s not even real.

But he always feels so real, in every dream. Even the ones that don’t turn into nightmares. She never remembers his face in the morning, his name is always on the tip of her tongue, but she can never say it. Not that it matters. Even if he was ever real, he’s gone. Just like Johanna’s father, who decided to fuck off to the end of the world instead of stay.

They don’t need him. The two of them have been doing fine on their own. Elena has been working at her father’s construction company, doing light carpentry work while she takes courses at the community college to expand her skill set. Her family has been great helping her with Johanna, there are more than enough people to be there for them. She’s even back in touch with some old friends. There are plenty of people in her life that she can rely on. Everything is fine and yet, the dreams haven’t stopped.

He’s not real, she repeats, the words echoing in her head as she gets out of bed and heads down the hall. Just a dream, a figment of her imagination created to deal with…something. Maybe this guy was the manifestation of all of the trauma and repressed guilt over having broken her vows in every way possible.

Because she knew that she shouldn’t feel bad about what she had done. The church hadn’t been her path in life. And whatever she had done...it had been done as an act of love. Deep down, despite so much of the last few years being a blur, she knew that whatever had happened between her and the man who had given her Johanna had been good.

Not for the first time, Elena closes her eyes and tries to picture Johanna’s father. And as it has many times before, his face almost forms in her mind’s eye, but it fades away.

So she has to shake off that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach and clear her head. It doesn’t matter anymore, he’s gone. Sometimes things are fuzzy, but that’s to be expected, after everything. Her therapist had told her that her entire time at the convent had become a source of trauma, explaining why the years she had spent there had become so fuzzy. And the thing that had triggered such upheaval, her relationship with Johanna’s father, was part of that. With time, it’ll come back.

Elena sighs and splashes her face with water a few more times than she needs to and stares at her reflection. Sometimes she still saw that weak girl Mother Superior had been able to push around for so many years, despite the physical changes she had made. Her hair had once been to the middle of her back and now it was just barely long enough to throw into a ponytail. She no longer wore makeup, only lip balm and during her time at the convent, she had played the part of a feminine young lady and worn concealer, lipstick and occasionally mascara, despite it not feeling right. And she had traded the cardigans, blouses and skirts for flannel shirts, t-shirts and jeans. Her body was stronger, which she could feel even if it wasn’t that outwardly obvious.

“You go out,” she whispers to her reflection. “No one is ever going to fuck with you again. You will be the sort of person who is worthy of living lifetimes.”

The affirmations help most of the time and thankfully, today is one of them. Elena manages a smile and leaves the bathroom, ready to begin another day in this new phase of her life.

iv. everywhere i go, you’ll be (January 2003)

There's a place for us,

Somewhere a place for us,

Peace and quiet and open air

Wait for us

Somewhere.

For a moment, Herbert isn’t sure if he’s woken up or if he’s still dreaming. He’s not sure if he’s hearing Elena singing in his ear or someone else. Slowly, he regains his ability to move and sits up slowly, letting go of the cardigan that he had been clutching so tightly that his hands ache for a moment.

But it’s just the television, he realizes. When he had come home, Herbert had turned on the TV for white noise and it had gone from some black and white movie to West Side Story. He picks up the remote, ready to turn it off, but he can’t. It had been one of Elena’s favorite movies, she had brought the soundtrack’s tape to listen to one day and he can still hear her singing along to it if he tries hard enough.

It’s not a horrible memory, it’s as good as one of her can be. Herbert can picture her singing along to ‘America’ as she flits about the chapel, her eyes lighting up with joy. He remembers the time she had sung the lyrics to the song that he had woken up to, his head in her lap. Her voice had been lovely, at least to him.

So he merely turns down the volume and looks at the sweater on the bed next to him. It had shown up in the hospital’s lost and found last week. Herbert had gone to the lost and found to see if a pen he had misplaced was there and instead had found the exact sort of cardigan that Elena had worn nearly every day. It was from where most, if not all, of the other nuns in her order purchased their clothing. Probably something that could be brought from a catalog and sent anywhere in the world. That explains how it wound up in the lost and found of a hospital in Iowa. It is made of dark grey wool, with two pockets in the front and buttons nearly the same shade as the rest of the garment. Though the second button on Elena’s cardigan had been a slightly different color, due to Herbert’s eagerness during a moment of passion. And after a quick trip to a far too bright and loud craft store, so did this one. It feels like having something of hers when he allows his mind to drift away.

A part of him is ashamed of this sentimentality, but it’s the best option. This way, the insistent yearning is contained.

--

Nearly 72 hours later, Herbert hasn’t slept again and he’s being dragged into a room by a frantic nurse. “Dr. West, we need your help. I know this isn’t your speciality, but I can’t find Dr. Price and -.”

“What is it?” he snaps just before he glances over at the bed.

“Patient has been in labor for over 30 hours,” the nurse begins and explains the situation quickly as Herbert examines the patient, a voice in the back of his mind prodding him about how the woman looks like she could be Elena’s sister. The sound of the monitors going off suddenly and loudly shuts that voice up quickly.

It soon becomes clear that they may have to choose between the mother or the infant. Herbert turns to the woman’s husband and asks him what they should do, as the patient can’t respond. The man has no idea, fumbling for his words, unsure if his wife would want to save the baby or herself.

Not that it matters, because Herbert intends to save them both, as he often does when he must choose. And this time, there is a victory. It’s hard work, but he manages to save them both.

Later, as he gets a drink of water from the employee lounge, Herbert hears some of his colleagues talking about it. This is a small hospital, so word gets around. Apparently it is rare for someone to not have a choice ready in that situation.

“Which one were you going to save, Dr. West?” Dr. Hawkins asks, suddenly including him in the conversation.

“I saved them both,” he responds, keeping his tone as bland as it usually is when he talks to people at the hospital.

“But if you absolutely had to choose…?”

“I would have saved the baby,” Dr. Foley interjects. “It’s pure, innocent, and has a whole life ahead of it.”

“That woman is lucky you weren’t there,” Herbert mutters before leaving the room, suddenly mildly enraged over that statement.

Though that isn’t the end of talking about that patient and the choice that had nearly needed to be made. On their way home, Dan brings it up.

“I would have chosen the baby, if the mother had wanted it,” Dan says as they wait at a red light.

“That’s ludicrous, Daniel, even for you,” Herbert snaps, that anger coming back all of a sudden. "The mother is already my patient. The fetus is not.”

“If that’s what she wants, I don’t feel comfortable going against that.”

“If that is what the patient had wanted, I would have called psych and prepped a bed for her because that’s clearly a sign of suicidal ideation.” Herbert frowns deeply, staring out the window, but not really seeing anything. “She has a life of her own already, whereas the baby does not. Leaving her life behind for an unborn child is foolish. And more can always be made.”

“That...wow.” Dan mutters. “That’s cold. Even for you.”

“Choosing someone who already exists as opposed to someone who could have a life is common sense. I don’t understand the attachment to something that isn’t even born.”

“Maternal-fetal attachment is a real thing.” Dan almost doesn’t say the rest. But it slips out anyway. “Elena told me that once she felt the baby kick, she knew that she couldn’t give her up. To her, the baby was a part of herself and a part of you. And she loved her enough to give up her entire life.”

Herbert has no response to that. He doesn’t speak for the rest of the car ride or as they walk up to the house. He just goes to his room, slamming the door as his mind becomes consumed with thoughts of the baby.

It’s not something he thinks about often, trying not to. After all, the baby had been lost before he even knew that Elena had been pregnant. It didn’t feel as real. He had never gotten to see it on the ultrasound, hear the heartbeat or hold it. Her. The baby had been a girl and not for the first time, he wonders if Elena had named the girl. While he can’t verify it, he knows what Dan had been saying had been the truth. She had wanted their child, enough to flee the state and journey over two thousand miles to try and have it safely.

By his calculations and based on when she must have died, Elena would have been at around 30 weeks along. The fetus would have been viable, if given the proper medical care. He wonders if she had begged for the life of the fetus, if she had fought back because she wanted to save her unborn child. At that stage, she would have been rather far along and that would have impeded her.

Maybe if she hadn’t been pregnant, she would have been able to win the fight for her life.

In a way, she had died for their child. He wonders if their child would have been worth it. If he had given her a healthy, normal girl or if that creation of his had been like most of the rest. His recreational use of the reagent could have done things to his body that he isn’t aware of. Maybe the child would have been born deformed or worse and Elena truly died for nothing.

Sighing, Herbert closes his eyes for a few moments. When he opens them, Elena is sitting on the bed next to him. Only this time, she’s holding a child somewhere between eighteen months and two years old to her breast and it’s feeding on her.

The little creature is greedily suckling as Elena sits there silently. It’s gnawing on her flesh, to the point where he can see blood running down her chest and smeared on her breast. When the child pulls back, he can see deep bite marks all over, as if the baby had been hungry for flesh, not milk.

The girl has his hair, his eyes, his mouth, his nose, almost all of her features are his. Her mouth is red with blood and when she opens her mouth to speak, he can see the blood on her teeth.

“Why do you blame me, father?” she asks, her voice cold, yet child-like. “You’re the one who placed me inside of her and placed her in harm's way. I had nothing to do with it.”

“I don’t-”

“You don’t care about me at all, do you? Do you ever think about me? The child you lost?”

Herbert can’t say yes because he’s tried to not think about her. His daughter, who died with her mother. He doesn’t want to think about that at all because then he’ll have to think about how it had to have happened that one time, when he had let his baser impulses take control of him and told her that he wanted to fill her with his seed, make her drip with it, said that she would make a perfect mother. It had been his fantasy for longer than he would ever admit and he had never planned on acting on it.

But he can’t think about that. He can’t acknowledge what he had done.

So he closes his eyes and clenches his fists for a while. Herbert is relieved to see that they’re gone when he opens his eyes.

v. there's a place for us (August 2003)

“We’re home, Hanna. What do you think?”

Elena sets her daughter down and smiles as the little one begins to toddle around the entryway. The house isn’t very large, only two bedrooms and one bathroom, but there is more than enough room for the two of them. And most importantly, it’s her own place.

They had moved to Inti, a small town not far from Cusco, a few months ago. Elena had finally saved enough money for the move and living expenses. For a while, she had lived with her grandparents, continuing the sort of work she had been doing back in the states. But one of her great-aunts had decided to move to the city to live with her son and Elena had purchased her house for the bare minimum, which she had needed to convince Tía Imelda to take.

There are still boxes all over the house, and the only thing set up are their beds, but it’s going to be home soon, Elena can feel it. Peru is their true fresh start, and this house only proves it. She had even cut her hair like Joan Jett’s, the shaggy style looking a bit like a mullet, but she still likes it. And so do some of the locals. She had started casually hanging out with people her own age that weren’t family and even gotten the butterflies a few times, finally able to feel those without shame, even if the cause of that giddy, strange feeling was another woman. The repression was slowly going away, finally.

However, her daughter is still the light of her life, and she watches Johanna explore with a smile. All she wants is to give her the best and it feels like she’ll be able to, especially with the past behind them at last. Here, she has a clean slate. Both of them do.

Life can only get better.

vi. there's a time for us (August 2003)

They had been lucky to get this assignment. Clinica Anglo Americana was one of the best hospitals in Lima and they had not been the only ones who wanted to go work there. But they had gotten lucky and had been in Peru for the last month or so.

But coming here means that Herbert thinks about her more than he should. He dreams of her, wonders if she would have been happy living in Lima, if they would have been happy together. It had always been her dream to come here, to make a life in her father’s home country. He would be lying if he said that her memory hadn’t been a factor when he had asked for this assignment.

Sometimes, all he can think about is her. He still brings out that cardigan sometimes, despite trying not to think about her, not wanting another moment of weakness. The cardigan is kept in the bottom drawer of his dresser, along with the bottle of body mist, a tube of the lipstick she had favored, a photo from an article about the convent, with all faces but hers crossed out and in the case of Mother Superior, burned away and a Saint Rose of Lima, the saint whose name she had taken, prayer card that he had found in the hospital chapel. Why he keeps collecting reminders, he isn’t truly sure. He knows it won’t help, and yet, he wants to remember her.

A wave of disgust comes over him as he looks at the drawer’s contents. This happens occasionally, this anger at how much power she holds over him even from beyond the grave. As Herbert glares at the content of the drawer, he curses having met her. Elena would have been a distraction, a detriment to the work. She would have held him back. It makes him sick to think about how he had been willing to change so much for her, how she had made him feel things that he had once been above.

And yet, he still mourns her, yearns for her, wishes she were with him. She made you weak, he thinks and in a fit of anger, he removes the cross from around his neck and tosses it in the drawer before taking off his shirt, hoping a hot shower will cleanse his mind and body.

It takes him a few moments to notice, but once he does, he can’t look away. He goes to the mirror to confirm that yes, there is a barely noticeable, but still present, tan line around his neck and even on his chest. The cross is imprinted on his chest

Before he can think too much about it, Dan knocks on his door. “Hey, Herbert, I just got a call from the program director,” he says and then goes on to explain that a village not far from Cusco needs doctors to work at the clinic, which provides primary and urgent care as well as outpatient surgical procedures. Due to serving in the area during their first time in Peru, they had been offered the positions. It wouldn’t be as intense, but there was a larger hospital close enough to get what they needed for The Work.

It’s a good opportunity on its own, but one of the deciding factors is that they would have their own house in a rural area, as opposed to their apartment in the city. Herbert had not gotten any work done since they had arrived.

In two weeks time, they would be on their way to Inti.

vii. flashback interlude, part two (April 1999)

It takes time for Elena to put her plan into action. She has to scrape together some money, it has to happen on a day where Warden Brando wouldn’t be at the prison. But it all eventually lines up and she’s shoving the envelope of money into Moncho’s hand and asking him to take her to ad-seg at the end of the day.

The bible is fuzzy on the subject of bribery in regards to something like this. No one is trying to pervert the course of justice or gain something in an ill-gotten way. So maybe it’s okay.

But she knows that this is the least of her recent sins. God is not fuzzy on the subjects of nuns and men sharing open-mouthed kisses in the confessional booth and she has done that quite a bit.

“Ten minutes. You better be ready when I get back.” Moncho’s voice is stern, almost authoritative.

“Of course.”

“You know that I can’t let you in there, Sister. And you probably should keep the talking to a minimum.”

Then what’s the point? Elena wonders. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing. It’ll satisfy that need inside her, that need that’s been growing teeth.

The door to Herbert’s cell in ad-seg has a meal slot. Once Moncho is gone, she crouches on the floor and slides it open. She taps your fingers on the bottom of the slot, the only way she can think to get his attention.

Herbert does hear the taps against the metal and he doesn’t look up at first. It’s probably nothing.

But the taps keep coming, they’re insistent.

“Who’s there?” he hisses, not wanting to attract any undue attention. The hand isn’t the same as the guards who deliver his food, but in the near-darkness, he can’t quite make it who it could belong to.

Not until the hand withdraws and returns with a familiar gold cross hanging from its fingers.

Herbert crouches on the floor by the door. He’s unable to see any other part of Elena but her hand. She withdraws her hand once again, so she can get rid of her necklace and be able to take his hand in hers the best way that she can. The small slot doesn’t allow for much contact.

Her skin is warm against his and he can see the outline of her face peering through the slot. Herbert realizes that what he said to the hallucination of Elena is true and it doesn’t bother him as much as it once would have.

At the same time, she comes to the same conclusion. That this is what she is all about now, not just God. It’s thrilling rather than horrifying.

Maybe, just maybe, it’ll be alright.

yes, this means that their reunion is nigh. hope y'all enjoyed this installment!

[404fmdhaon]

aesthetic & headcanon — re[gone] analysis of each song

summary: re[gone] is the title of haon’s first full-length album. each song becomes something personal that dives into gyujeong’s own versions of freud’s theory. id becomes the ‘i’m so sad, boohoo.’ sad boy hours. ego becomes ‘life’s whatever’. and superego becomes ‘hahaha im on top of the world, fuck you all.’ rebellion, sadness — he calls it a mix of what the past decade’s been. elaboration on the songs below. (yes i know that’s not correct freudian psychology, but im saying it’s how gyu separates the songs into threes). warnings: none wc: 1569

middle fingers up

middle fingers up is the opener of the album and falls into the big ‘fuck you against the world’ type deal. it’s almost cheery in nature if you just listen to the beat, but the lyrics dig a lot deeper into how gyu feels as an idol.

he doesn’t have many friends to begin with, but that doesn’t stop people from approaching him and wanting to be “friends” which he just sees as a business transaction. because for the most part, he’s kept to himself. yet, doesn’t see why that would make people want to be his friend aside from the ‘he’s in knight’ factor

so it’s his fuck you song where he tells people to shove it. eat it. because in the end, what he’s left with is that ‘i don’t need you’ attitude. i’d see it more as a defense mechanism because he just doesn’t want to let people in? so he puts on this fake bravado of i don’t need you.

artist

artist is what he calls the thing between ‘i’m on top of the world’ and ‘life’s whatever.’ this song was written with his friend, and mentioned before in past headcanons it was meant to give his npc friend more clout so that his friend could make a living from music

it’s a fun song, a very serious juxtaposition of very different sounds. as a result, at first listen it’s not that good to the ears when you hear it without the lyrics / vocals.

this was the song that was finished the fastest in the span of one night? and after performing it many times on shows, it’s just not his favorite to perform. the styling was not his forte either as bc put this weird outfit that just seemed to not fit with what he envisioned

but he will say, the royalties his friends are getting makes him proud.

omen

omen is another ‘fuck you’ song to the world. it’s meant to be a response to everyone in the underground community who has looked down upon him for being an idol rapper

it’s saying that they’re the ones complaining about him, yet the ones that are trying to be like him. this goes in his top three from this album, and one he begged bc to let him release because at first bc was like ‘idk.. it kinda doesn’t sound as bc as we want.’

however, the result of this song made the underground rappers he was targeting release a diss track? and though he wants to respond to it, it seems unlikely seeing as how he’s still an idol

this one does not get accepted well by knight’s fan base but does drive attention from the underground children

phone ft. jiah

originally, gyu didn’t have anyone in mind for the feature. just knew he wanted a feature, so when the song was given to bc to analyze — they decided to push the “bc family image” between him and jiah (natural blonde line holla). as a result, jiah became the feature 

though gyu wouldn’t admit, the song does become better because of jiah’s vocals.

it’s a story written in the lyrics, autobiography? not really, well kind of. there’s bits and traces of his own life inside the song where discussions about a fight / lapse of communication of the girl picking fights because she hasn’t figured herself out

that frustration? he’s felt it many times in the past with his first love, and that in turn made this song — though, he no longer harbors those frustrated feelings towards her anymore. he just misses her.

let’s not love anymore

this is a more singing rap song, as he wanted to involve as many genres as he could in one album. mainly because it was a hail mary, and he didn’t know when his next opportunity would be? 

the singing rap fit this song well enough, and it becomes a song where he highlights the hopeless romantic in him? he fell for someone who used to be a close friend, and the song was written during the “some” phase, where they were in limbo to the point they didn’t know what they were or a will-they or wont-they dynamic

explains the concept of ‘why we should not be in love’. and mini-memoirs of things he’d do while he was falling into place. though the person and him ended up badly to the point where they don’t talk anymore, gyu still enjoys the song because it teaches him to 1) never act upon feelings and 2) stop writing sad love songs.

take care of you

i’m going to keep this short and simple that this song is the most personal one on his album. the song he loves the most, yet hurts the most to sing. as a result, he doesn’t want to touch it but instead it was released for the person whom it was written about to hear.

the mv was low budget via bc. (gyu doesn’t care. just wants her to hear it).

beautiful

beautiful is another on the sad love song train list, only it’s not so sad. in retrospect, he finds it sad? because he was a lovelorn schmuck when he wrote it — that feeling of love he hasn’t experienced again. and that in turn causes him to cling on?

the piano use is frequent in a majority of the songs but i think it’s most prevalent in this track mainly because it dealt with parts of his past where the person whom it was written about knew about his family ties and he ties starting music to her. 

fun fact: this is the song that suddenly makes fans all ‘look at how romantic haon is.’ and leads to some speculation as to who the girl is (newsflash: it’s not an idol — but his fans don’t know that)

aslyum

very similar to omen — it has a nice singing portion to the chorus which gyujeong wanted to keep for fluidity of the songs. 

however, despite the easy listening it becomes a song more towards omen and the ‘fuck you all’. only this time it’s a response to when people in the underground community ask if it’s nice living life at the top

idol life isn’t all what it is, and hence how the song came about. wanted to express that life at top is lonely, and that people should not judge based on what’s flashed on tv. however, he doesn’t bet anyone got that since most fans skip over the song (for what he’s been told).

downtown baby

maybe it was all a dream? but this song was inspired by his one night stand in berlin. he basically never indulges in those but there was something enticing about the woman, reminded him of a girl from his past. 

she spurred a week long escapade? where he thought it was in love. but it started as quickly as it ended, and he lost contact with her altogether. in reality, he still debates whether it was a dream, vivid and full or whether it was real. wonders how she does time to time.

the charming point of the song is the easy singalong, and the addicting hook? which he didn’t intend on making that way, but it fell that way when he found himself singing the songs long after recording.

he’d give this song a personal 7/10. high-mid range on his album, but bc loves the outcome bc 1) it feeds into knight bad boy image and 2) it does well

meteor

once again this was done with an npc friend in the underground scene. gyujeong wanted something triumphant, and it’s embarrassing but he used to listen to one republic a lot as a kid in boarding school. fell upon their music, and that subconsciously inspired the general beat of the song

the song becomes his ode to how far he’s come, and how the difficulty of an uphill battle lead him here. it’s starts off showing off his material goods and throwing a huge party in the mv, but in the end what becomes is his declaration that he’s the meteor that will break the world

high self-esteem in this song, but it’s really not real. he just felt in that moment weightless because he was with good company, and the vibes were good

the best part about this song is that his friend saved up enough money to buy a car and start producing for other big names. and gyujeong gains secondhand satisfaction from that

superstar

meteor was the come up, superstar was the come down back to reality. superstar talks also about a lot of material goods — people always talk about the money knight makes and how nice it must be to live large, etc.

however, gyujeong combats these stereotypes talking about how it’s nice yeah — and he’s this bigshot doing all these things. yet, there’s a cry out for help. 

in retrospect, this is his cry for help where he wants someone. anyone to listen. because the more fame dwells upon him, the more pressures become heightened and he feels more isolated from the world around him

he acknowledges his position and his privilege but still finds life lonely — another song making him wonder if people got the actual meaning of the song.

this also makes his top three on his album.

[silvcrlining]

why do you feel so heavy?

a elaine carter playlist ► listen here

song list and explanation below:

body by gia margaret

it is easy enough to stand still. the difficulty is to walk without touching the ground. why do you feel so heavy? it isn't just a matter of gravitation and weight. it is that you are feeling that you are carrying your body around.

she has always thought she had to carry all her sadness on her own, even if it left dents on her shoulders.

imagination by labrinth

and we plant seeds that we call ideas / and they grow like trees, bearing fruits on twigs / and we just don’t leave ‘cause we like it here / making shangri-la inside of our heads

she imagined worlds within her head and brought them to reality-- out of carton, playing cards, clay, wood, or bricks-- and she found herself happiest then.

a cigarette and a silhouette by mildred bailey

i go back to days gone by / when the moon was real / and you were real / and my hopes were in the sky

her first taste of grief, and she had already learned how to cling onto memories and ghosts she saw in the shadows.

make your troubles go away by andra day

‘cause staying out all night won’t make your troubles go away / crying, starting a fight won’t make your troubles go away / you’ve been looking for the quick fix / and it’s leaving you helpless / but i would give you all of me to make your troubles go away

she gave her grandfather the advice she should have followed.

dancing after death by matt maeson

if i let go, would you hold on? would we fly? / is it safer if we just say that we tried? / are we laughing at the danger? / are we dancing after death, you and i?

the first time she sees her grandfather cry, they’re dancing together in the workshop to a crackling record player.

we’re the lucky ones by the marias

i can’t wait for christmas / we’ll laugh and we’ll dance and we’ll cry / we’ve come this far / with beating hearts / we’re the lucky ones

there must be a day when it stops hurting, right? she can hope for that.

wishful drinking by tessa violet

this is not a problem if convincin’ that it’s not / don’t call it a problem, it’s the only thing that i still got / oh, wishful drinking

when grief grows a second head, she finds that it hurts less if she’s too numb to feel it.

shake it out by florence + the machine

regrets collect like old friends / here to relive your darkest moments / i can see no way, i can see no way / and all of the ghouls come out to play

but when the fog escapes her mind, the ghosts are still there. and despite it, a small part of her still hopes for closure, healing, light-- something.

simmer by hayley williams

rage, is it in our veins? / feel it in my face when / when i least expect it / give in

pain is a finicky, restless thing, and it’s only a matter of time until she lets it turn into anger.

nobody by mitski

and i don’t want your pity / i just want somebody near me / guess i’m a coward / i just want to feel alright

she finds a way to isolate herself from the world, yet she secretly long for a comfort she’s too afraid to search for.

must be fine by miel

i keep going, thinking every day / i’m awake, must mean i’m okay / i must be fine

she’s fine, she tells herself. time and time again, as if the 30th i’m fine will prove to be true.

lifeforms by daughter (tw: miscarriage)

well you can try to forget me but i won’t let you easily / you can try to forget me but i won’t let you easily / i’m floating out in the water washed out to sea / drifting away with time you’ll regret you’ve conceived it

she had found hope in the life growing within her-- but then came another conundrum: how do you let go of someone you never got to meet, only ever in your imagination?

someone to stay by vancouver sleep clinic

you’ve been fighting the memory all on your own / nothing worsens, nothing grows / i know how it feels being by yourself in the rain / we all need someone to stay

she falls deeper into a stagnant, lonely darkness. maybe she hasn’t noticed the hands that are willing to help her up. maybe she can’t take them, as much as she wants to.

breakfast by half-alive

say you’re open through tears and trembling / it’s a major step, it’s okay to fret / here’s a safe place to lay your heart down / it’s a second chance, it won’t be your last

maybe she should send texts accidentally more often.

i know the end by phoebe bridgers

either way, we’re not alone / i’ll find a new place to be from / a haunted house with a picket fence / to float around and ghost my friends / no, i’m not afraid to disappear / the billboard said “the end is near” / i turned around, there was nothing there / yeah, i guess the end is here

yes, she is afraid. of everything that could disappear from one instant to the next, she’s terrified.

secret for the mad by dodie

little things, all the stereotypes / they’re gonna help you get through this one night / and there will be a day / when you can say you’re okay and mean it / i promise you it’ll all make sense again

a message from me to her.

[artisticamore]

❄❄The tiniest snowflake❄❄

The tattoo is a symbol of the snowflake clan. A large intricate detailed snowflake made of warm hues of amber dusted in sliver, outlines in gold. Everyone wore the mark with pride, with honour. They were a clan of assassin's everybody knew that they would do anything for money. But they only went after thoes who the law couldn't touch thoes who hid in darkness, the unknown of society. But something changed after 300 years of loyalty. Their views changed.  After a while killing people wasn't enough they were hungry for even more power so they became something twisted. What was once a clan of protectors, hero's was now a name that scared everyone.

Seven-year-old Amethyst  watches the sky from her perch, her back against the tree trunk, her legs stretched out in front of her. This was her escape, high in the trees where no one could reach her. Isolated and alone, where eyes can’t see her and faces can’t sneer at her . A safe haven, her God given solace, but also a curse.

Loneliness.

It’s a double-edged sword.

Alone, she doesn’t have to listen to the poison that spews from people’s lips, washing over her and choking her. She doesn’t have to see the hatred and malice directed toward a not-so-hypothetical devil spawn or the jeering glee at the image of said spawn’s rightfully earned suffering and death for the crime of existing. She doesn’t have to hear stories and legends about the oh so great clan and how she tainted their bloodline. How her parents should have struck her down of her 5th birthday. She was useless, unwanted, something ugly that didnt deserve to keep living. All because of her being born quirkless. Was she really something tinted, twisted and unclean? Would she really be destined to live a life of hardships? Would she really die lonely and alone never to know love?

Their words cut deep than any sword could, even alone, she is trapped in her own head. When she's  with people, she at least has something she can take her frustration out on. Without them, her thoughts enter a downward spiral of anger and self-disgust.

Still, it is better this way, at least, that is what she has convinced herself.

Who can possibly stand the thought of being near someone like her?

She didn’t deserve to be born. She is evil personified after all; there is nothing good about her.

She's tainted.

And so her thoughts would go, on and on in an endless, self-crippling cycle.

However today was different something had happened something even when your evil the honor the clan once had wouldn't stand for. Someone died that shouldn't have, as assassin's they had one rule get the job done, don't be seen, but most importantly  do it right.  The family broker aka Nathaniel was in charge of the assignments who got A-E assassinations.

Going by all the screaming someone royal screwed up a A column assassination attempt killing the 3rd cousin of the target, the good looks gene must run very deep to look so much like each other that even your 3rd cousin could past to be you.

"They want who blood as collateral?" Screamed the monarch!

 Nathaniel looked his long time friend and boss in the eye. "The assassin who killed the wrong man. I know this isn't something you want to hear believe my old friends but a sacrifice must be made as payment you know the law of the trade a life for a life."

"Unacceptable Nathaniel! I refuse to give up one of my best assassin's just because they didn't give a clear description. How was we to know that not only did they have the wrong person but that he had three look alike, he has the picture on him saw his target made the kill end of story. If they want a sacrifice they'll get on. I'm a man of my word and I follow the rules however they will not be getting the killer. Instead you can repay them with little miss worthless. I've been trying to find out a way to get rid of the brat for a whole year." The monarch gave a killer smile.

Nathaniel couldn't say he didn't see this coming. His old friend could be a hothead. Signing he nodded his head while making a call to set up preparations for the transfer.

Amethyst  couldn't believe her ears she was being sold.  Quickly and quietly she climbed  down from her hiding spot making it back to her room just in time for the door to be busted open. Raymond her uncle drags her before the gathered clan members throwing her down before the monarch.  Amethyst kept her eyes to the floor she wasnt allowed to look up to anyone unless being told otherwise. From there she listened to the clan speak about her, laughing and calling out words of happiness that she will no longer be their problem. The monarch spoke up calling the attention to be once again on himself. He announced that she will no longer live here from now on. Amethyst doesn’t know what to think. She didn't understand even if given as payment what could she possibly give, what use was she, was a nobody, she was quirkless though she did know how to fight she learnt by watching in serect her clan thought so much of themselves that they viewed she couldn't do anything yet she was quieter than the most skilled in stealth and was the lightest on her feet out of the whole clan. Well that came from being underweight. She might not look it but she was indeed much lighter than she looked.

Her face most have gave her away because next thing she knew she smacked hard enough she saw stars. She must had caught the side of her cheek between her teeth, blood pulled inside her mouth. Yet she stayed submissive low to the ground her head never once lifting higher. The monarch was angry, no pissed he sneered at her and spat in her face that she would be a prefect slave. That she would listen to each and every instruction place upon her and was expected to fulfill each task perfectly. She was also warned if she failed to do as told even death wouldn't be merciful for what they would do to her. Amethyst nodded silently brushing the spit and blood on her ragged clothes.  Next to the monarch stood his wife the misstress or shedevil in her book. 

She rattled off a list of things such as her new training, no longer would she clean and cook. She had maybe a few weeks to months till the transfer was to be completed. Her training was in effect immediately. Shedevil order the clans women to teach her how to walk seductress not knowing what type of slave she would become. Shedevil explained that even though she was young and no one would touch her she must learn how to be a hostess. 

From that night on till the night of her be shipped off she trained, walk like a lady, talk and listen like the person in your company hung the very moon themself. She was given better clothing too, she trained her voice to be softer sweeter, musical. The males of the clan showed her how to assist them in dressing while the woman did the same too just in case she was made into a lady in waiting. The cooks were given the task to show her how to make many different drinks. The monarch and shedevil gave little praise to her picking up her skills hastily. Little did they know Amethyst was always a fast learner dare say she was a genius not that anyone took note of it. After many weeks of hard training the day had come she was being transfer many states of to a underground strong held ran by the strongest family the mafia. 

When Amethyst came too, the first thing she registered was pain.

Burning, searing pain. The kind of pain she hadn’t felt in weeks. Not since she started her new training. Her newest owner hated her by sight called her ugly and unsightly, that her skin tone was a eyesore, that her curly natural hair was dirty looking even though her hair was washed and scented with warm lavender and coconut oil for some reason her Misstress hated her. Amethyst was no stranger to to racism she knew prejudice when she saw it.  She couldn't feel the weight of her own hair anymore, tentatively, slowly she ran her hand across her head, where once laid shoulder length hair pulled into a bun. Now was a tiny curly afro, someone had lopped off her hair. She felt empty; the constant warmth of her hair provided was no longer there to soothe her. It was agonizing; her back felt like it was on fire, skin and flesh seared down to bone. It hurt to move, hurt to breath. It was agonizing. But Amethyst  clenched her jaw and grit her teeth, refusing to let any sound escape, refusing to let them know she was in pain, refusing to give them the satisfaction. She may be a slave, but she was not broken. Not even her own clan had broken her and neither would her new mistress.

 As the pain in her back dulled, she let her senses take over. She was lying on her stomach, the surface beneath her hard and cold, a sharp contrast to her back. Something cool was locked in place around her neck, wrists, and ankles. A collar. Shackles. And suddenly, with startling clarity, Amethyst  realized that the burning pain in her back was a brand. She hadn’t just been sold. She was branded as a plaything in essence she was a pet.

Fury coiled in her gut and rage bubbled up her throat. Not even her own blood stooped to  something so cruel even if she was viewed as worthless scars on the back was a warriors shame. Even though she was beat upon they never once marked her back out of honor.  

Amethyst cried, tears burred her eyes, tightly clamped lips cut off any noise trying to make its way out. She had read stories about this; that some people marked their property like animals.  She’d always thought it odd that she never heard to clan brag about offing such ones where in the grand hall of history she has read about such ones. Back in the day her clan hunted such ones down.  So why was these people permitted to do such a thing to her, why were they able to keep breathing?  Amethyst had her answer now. And it sickened her greatly . Their lives were spared  because her clan fell so far from honour and grace that their love of money and possible fame made it so that they supported this disgusting practice.  The only reason why her clan was so know now wasn't because if their Legacy. NO they were in the back pocket of the government pretending to be honorable. 

Amethyst  was pulled out of her thoughts when cool air brushed over the wound on her back. Her eyes snapped open of their own accord and she was met with the sight of a older boy. A very, very tall boy. He was thin, startlingly so, but his face somehow still held the roundness of a child’s. Maybe 15 no older then 17 He had big, grey eyes, a large scar across his nose, and a mop of black hair. He wore nothing but a pair of worn and ragged pants, no shirt, no shoes. His wrists and ankles had thick black shackles, but the collar around his neck showed his strength a first classes high tech quirj collar Amethyst  didn’t need to see his back.

This teen was a slave and very powerful.

Her eyes flitted around the room they were in. Or rather, the cell. It was medium sized, the floor, ceiling and three of the walls made of cold, unforgiving stone. The fourth wall was made of metal bars. Amethyst saw a hallway possibly the way out. She could see another cell across from their and what looked to be a storage room might hold supplies.

Her vision was obscured by another face in front of her's. “So,” he drawls from her eft in the darkness of the cell, and Amethyst freezes, “Awake finally. Your very interesting, little one I heard the guards say your quirkless yet I noticed your eyes flash. Shhhh... your okay there is no need to panic they haven't seen it. You've been here about a few months this is first time you've stayed awake though. I'm glad your alright.”

 Months? Amethyst doesn't remember that only the first day of meeting and possibly a few hours after that. So she's been here longer than what she thought, Amethyst thinks it would be best not to answer him however he was the only one here with her. Company would be nice maybe since he been here longer he knew things. She licked her lip once twice then and third time befor clearing her throat. "I'm Amethyst." She rasping out.

"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Hatsuharu though I go by Haru. My friends call me dark Haru as a joke because of my quirk. It's void and sentinel my quirk gives damage boosts to my allies, but it draws my opponents attention and focus AWAY from my allies and towards the user, allowing for the perfect distraction! Because it's basically a taunting quirk, a defensive abilities activated. The cold air you felt on you when you first woke was me using my quirk on you, I've been here for a long time wearing these, I've kinda grown a somewhat immunity to the quirk suppressors. I'll help you out anyway I can."

"Why? What’s in it for you?”

This one was different then the other slaves that came through here. Haru could see that he knew the quirkless was treated like dirt less than everything hell trash was viewed better. Amethyst read him the way he’s standing, searching for any weaknesses, searching for any hint of ill meaning. And maybe a better word would be analyzing. This girl wasn’t just reading him. She was completely analyzing him, and she was about as ready as one can be to jump out if Haru would make any sudden movement. Despite hurt she could still fight.

“Nothing.” Haru shrugged.

“Impossible. No one offers without expecting something back.”

"I've heard what they have in store for you once you come of age I want to help you. But I'm gonna need your help too, i need to get home. They think your quirkless you might be a late bloomer or possible a rare case of a forced quirk mutation from all the hardships. Your quirkless so I know your life hasn't been easy. I'll watch out for you and you do the same for me. With them thinking your quirkless they'll underestimate you."

 For a few seconds, silence falls in the cell again, and then the same voice replies in dry, almost flippant tones, “Your underweight tiny but a fighter i can tell just looking at, youve probably foiled everyone. But not me before becoming a slave i was a vigilante."

Wait he said Months didn't he?

Amethyst  had to concentrate on breathing for a minute, in and out, in and out, until the strange tangle of panic and grief that hits her out of nowhere fades again.

“Haru,” She eventually croaks out. She pauses, then forces out, “How… many months … has it been?”

“Not sure exactly,” Her cellmate - Haru - answers easily. “I think we get fed once a day, but I didn’t know that at first so I didn’t bother counting, and I’ve probably missed a few days here and there. As close as I can tell though, it’s been almost  six months since they stashed you in here with me, give or take. If you were in a different cell before, I wouldn’t know.”

Six month. Six months . Six-

“Hey, calm down,” Haru cuts in, and for the first time, something sharp enters his voice. “If the guards see you throwing a fit, they’ll gas us unconscious. And that’s all they’ll do if we’re lucky,

but considering the fact that we’re here at all, luck screwed us over a long time ago.”

Amethyst drags in a shaky breath that rattles down her throat and feels like it gets stuck somewhere in her chest. She does it again and again until she regains a thin veneer of calm that at least allows her to think. The muscles in her back burn with each breath.

Six months. In a way, it feels like it’s been even longer than that. But, she thinks, some part of her still clung to the hope that it hasn’t been months, maybe days at most, and…

(And she promised herself, deep down, that if she ever got out her family would pay back for everything in tenthfold every scar, the abuse the hardships. Everything. She'll grow stronger she'll get as far from America as she could, she'll make a name for herself she'll live and maybe find someone who will love her.  And live her life to the fullest.

She knew what it sounded like, a fairy tale, and she learned a long time ago that there’s no such thing in real life, so she knows full well that if a life of comfort full of love and happiness and a family of her own is what she wanted she'll have to put in the blood, sweat and tears.)

She lies there in the darkness for a while, just… digesting everything, and her cellmate doesn’t interrupt. Her thoughts turn to Haru which is an easier subject to focus on than how much time she's lost. Older than her, and strong by the looks of.  Smarter than her. Skilled too.

“You said… since they put me in here with you,” she frowns. “How long… have you been here?”

Haru hums, and there’s a note of surprise in the sound, like he didn’t expect her  to pick up on that, or maybe to ask about it at all. “Dunno. Like I said, I didn’t count at first. I had no way to tell morning or night my eyes were covered at first for weeks. But maybe three years or so? Had the cell all to myself back then. My will was stronger back then I broke out a few times too each time I did I was caught and drugged till they had enough they broke both my legs and put this high end collar on me. I stopped trying after.

“How old are you?” she asks abruptly.

Haru doesn’t answer right away, and when he does he looks sad. "I had just turned 16 when I was captured. I was out on patrol with a buddy of mine. We heard of kids being taken of the streets so I was watching over the children who walks home I kept everyone safe except myself."

“I’m fairly certain that you did your best if your the only one who ended up here.” Amethyst explained.

“True as that maybe i still shouldn't have been taken,” Haru volleys back without missing a beat, and Amethyst sighs and lets the matter drop.

“Why are you in here?” He asks instead. “how old are? I can't till your very short.”

"I'm here as payment, a life for a life, my family are hired assassin's someone murder the wrong person. Normally the guilty person gives their life however the monarch of my family gave me in their place. As for my page if I really been out for weeks then I just turned eight years old.

Thank you so much for your help my lovely friends.

@thedreadthread @plainbrunettelbl @monst @smittenkitten143 @todorokiaimee

@ezramine-chan

[precuredaily]

Precure Day 154

Episode: Yes! Precure 5 06 - “Precure 5! All Together!” Date watched: 6 October 2019 Original air date: 11 March 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/1w3riAm Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

Karen is a character who grows a lot over the course of the show, and since she’s been around for six episodes before getting to transform, she has already had a small journey just to get to this point. That’s something you can’t say about all series that followed the model of introducing their heroes one episode at a time. This episode is the climax of her arc so far, and it’s really making me reconsider who my favorite Character in this series is. Why? I’ll get to that after we recap.

The Plot

We see a flashback to Karen as a child trying to pretend to Jiiya that she doesn’t miss her parents and isn’t lonely, as it transitions to present day Karen staring wistfully out a window before hugging herself, lamenting that she couldn’t save the girls the other day.

oof

At school, the other girls try to convince Nozomi to find someone else to become the last Precure but she won’t hear it. Jiiya happens to be there to pick Karen up, so the girls stop to talk with him, and he asks them to please continue being friends with her, because the other day she seemed to be truly enjoying herself. He explains how she hides her loneliness so as to not burden her parents. Meanwhile, we see Karen in a student council meeting, but she's lost in thought about her failure. When she comes out, she sees Jiiya sitting with the other girls and tells them pointedly that she can’t help them. Nozomi asks Coco why she might have failed the transformation and he explains that if you don’t truly wish to become a Precure, you can’t. Karen insists that she truly did, but then she remembers what she actually said: “If I want something done, I have to do it myself.” She excuses herself and starts to walk home.

Nozomi, not fond of taking “no” for an answer, chases after her. When her attempts to persuade Karen only agitate her, she remembers what Jiiya said and reminds her how much fun they had the other day. Then she hits Karen with the big one: despite their differences, they both really love their parents. Karen pauses and Nozomi explains what Jiiya told her. She says that someone as caring as her couldn’t possibly fail to become a cure. Karen is moved by her words and softens up, but then Bunbee appears, seeking the Dream Collet. He turns the captured Pinky into a Kowaina, so Nozomi transforms but she can’t bring herself to fight it. The other girls arrive and transform but Bunbee and the Kowaina have them on the ropes. Karen, who has been watching from safety, realizes she doesn’t want her new friends to be hurt, no matter how powerless she may be, so she blocks them from Bunbee’s finishing blow.

Her courage and desire to help them, rather than take on all the burden, is enough to summon the blue butterfly again, and this time when it lands on her wrist, it transforms into a Pinky Catch and stays. Karen transforms and designates herself as “The Blue Spring of Intelligence, Cure Aqua!” With all five Cures now assembled, they perform their group roll call: “With the power of hope and the light of the future, our five beautiful hearts will soar! Yes! Precure 5!”

Immediately she gives instructions to the others on how to defeat the Kowaina without harming the Pinky: detach the mask, and keep Bunbee occupied. They use their special attacks (and credit where credit is due, Mint Protection was cleverly used to stun the Kowaina) and manage to separate the mask from the monster without actually harming it, and it shatters. Bunbee tries one last attack but Dream wards him off, and he disappears with a signature complaint.

Mint quickly captures the Pinky, and the five girls celebrate their victory and their future together. That night, at home, Karen calls her mother and admits that she misses her and is curious when she will return home.

The next day at school, we see how their new friendship will play out when Nozomi arrives late to school. Karen scolds her for being late, and Nozomi begs her to let it slide since they’re friends now. However, Karen states that they’re different matters, as their friendship does not preclude her responsibilities. Nozomi slumps and that’s the note we end on.

The Analysis

When we first met Karen, she seemed stern and up-tight. She is looking into the mysterious events at the school to determine whether people are safe, if a student is involved, if school officials need to be alerted. She’s trying to keep the peace and maintain order. But she’s not a bad person. She takes her responsibilities seriously but she also maintains a good friendship with Komachi and presumably knows about her writing. She does the right things but sometimes for the wrong reasons. She has internalized her loneliness due to her parents always traveling and doesn’t want to burden them with her feelings, so she doesn’t acknowledge any situations where she might need help or be able to help, she just takes on other people’s burdens. Nozomi may be the first person to finally crack her shell, to be able to see how she really feels and talk to her about it. Jiiya knew, of course, but he wasn’t able to do anything himself. The power of having a group of friends to help and support her gave Karen the room to be vulnerable and honest with herself, and understand where she failed before. She overcomes her self-isolation and wants to help save her friends, to protect them from certain danger regardless of her own powerlessness. In this moment of self-sacrifice, wanting the power to help others, she becomes worthy of the mantle of a Pretty Cure and is able to transform. Beyond transforming into a Precure however, she has transformed emotionally, as we see after the battle. She’s generally more friendly (though living up to her responsibilities) and more open with her feelings, reaching out to her mother to talk and say she misses her. Her journey is far from over, but it’s already in a great position. I said at the beginning that I was reconsidering who my favorite is (currently it’s Rin) and..... I really do think I might just have to say I love Rin and Karen equally as characters. They do play off each other a lot, we’ll see that soon.

Of course, Karen wouldn’t be here without Nozomi. Here, more than anywhere else so far, she is showcasing that Pink Cure Power that the becomes a staple of the larger casts. She may not be the smartest, the most pure of heart, the most athletic, or the most at peace, but she finds what she wants, works towards it, and doesn’t take “no” for an answer. If not for her, none of the other girls would be here. Her bravery inspired Rin, her strong will inspired Urara, her sincerity inspired Komachi, and now her earnestness has inspired Karen. Nozomi can see things in people that nobody else can, if they need a friend she’s there to be a friend, if they need someone to root for them she’s there to do that. She saw that Karen was being dishonest with herself and found the right words to encourage her, she found the common ground between them and used it to break through Karen’s cold exterior and her feelings of depression and inadequacy about being unable to transform in order to cheer her up and make friends.

Nozomi believe in Karen long after everybody else gave up and I adore it.

Aside from Nozomi, though, Karen has one more player on her side: Jiiya the butler. He serves as the bridge between Karen and the rest of the world a lot, which is fun, but since he has known her since she was a child, he knows how to read her. Unfortunately, just watching her isn’t enough for me so he encourages her friendship with the group and flat out tells them how Karen really feels about bothering other people and why, which softens her to the girls and the audience. Also, showing her burgeoning insecurity at the very start made my heart break. That is a powerful scene, especially the transition between the younger Karen and present-day. I might have to gif that, watch this spot.

P.S.young Karen is the cutest thing.

Let’s talk villains for a minute! This is Bunbee’s second outing and his second failure. Despite how big he talks in the office, when he’s on the field he can’t live up to his own hype. Sure, he makes the girls struggle some, but they’re still coming together as a team, they’re not at full strength yet, and they still manage to defeat him both times, even beating his idea of using a Pinky as a Kowaina so they can’t attack it. He always complains that he isn’t making enough money for field work, or how is he going to explain his failures to his superiors, and generally making other silly comments that tie into the whole “evil business” theme. We’re starting to see that Bunbee is more bark than bite, and next episode we’ll see where he really sits on the totem pole.

Character analyses out of the way, here’s a fun little continuity joke. During the Student Council meeting that Karen isn’t paying attention to, they’re discussing a plan to penalize students who are repeatedly tardy by tracking their attendance at the gate. At the end of the episode when Nozomi is running late, and encounters Karen and the student council performing this task. She gets marked tardy because she slips and doesn’t make it through the gate by the end of the bell. It’s the little things.

We’ve wrapped up the Cure Aqua arc and we’re almost done with the character introductions. This episode was excellently paced and a satisfying payoff to the letdown at the end of the previous one. We got to see Karen come to terms with her own desires and become a better version of herself, and the Pretty Cure team is complete, with each girl bringing a different strength to the group. Next time, Nuts arrives on the scene and he’s carrying a lot of baggage. Look forward to it!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 2 Kettei!

P.S. check PCD Status for a special personal post about Karen’s voice actress.

[novellaquill]

Starling: The Lonely

-

Drabble with OC!Batsis x batfam

Summary: Her grandmother’s words continued to simmer at the back of Lerina's head, while family troubles push her to make a decision.

Warning: This takes about depression, mental illness, and other serious topics. If these topics make you feel uncomfortable don't read.

A/N: This one has is kind of a songfic. I recommend listing to The Lonely by Christina Perri. Flashbacks are in italics and in third person pov. The POV will switch back and forth a lot.

Previous Chapters: Lost and Longing

“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn't have. A solution. A remedy. Anything.

...I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be. Somehow I knew I deserved this.” ― Brian Krans, A Constant Suicide -- Two am, where do I begin Crying off my face again It was mornings like this that I hated the most. It was 2 o'clock in the morning a sane person would be sound asleep by now but no. Not my family oh no, they were on the streets hopping from rooftop to rooftop like ninjas while I was pathetically crying in my room alone, again. The silent sound of loneliness Wants to follow me to bed It was so quiet, with Alfred having the week off I was the only person in the house, yet even the animals did not make a sound this morning. I couldn't sleep, thanks to my insomnia and the fear that the silence would follow me if I went to bed. I'm a ghost of a girl That I want to be most I'm the shell of a girl That I used to know well I glare at the chest across the room hatefully anyone would be proud of this chest it was filled with my gold medal and trophies it even had folders of my awards certificates, but for me, it was only a reminder. A reminder that I was the shell of who I once was. When being alone didn't bother me. The ghost of a girl that I wanted to be again. My ADHD was pounding my skull, I was in the same position in the same place for too long. I was getting fidgety and needed to do something. Glancing at the old dance trophy that peeked under the lid of the chest I sighed, I guess some things never do change. Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you I sing myself a quiet lullaby I slowly move my body gracefully to a quiet lullaby my mom used to sing to me. Now I sing it to myself as I dance away the thoughts of loneliness taking my place in my own body, consuming my very being. Let you go and let the lonely in To take my heart again Times like this I can let go, not having to worry about my emotions diverting my attention from my responsibilities. I can wallow in my hopelessness and sort out the bottled up emotions. It was long overdue anyway. My mind drifted back to my grandmother's words "You have PhDs, trophies, medals, and degrees that they don't even know about. Use them to get out of here!" "The only ones who would notice and care would be Jason, Timothy, and Alfred. Stop letting him dictate what happens in your life. You're his daughter not his clone and you're a grown adult!"  Was she right? Did she need to leave? Could she leave? I have no doubt that my family loves me with the exception of Damian however, I couldn't just abandon them, could I? They would care if I left, right? -- Too afraid, to go inside For the pain of one more loveless night After a long day at Wayne Enterprises, Lerina was having difficulties deciding on whether she should enter her own home. She lived there for over 17 years she should be used to the feeling of dismissal, it wasn't the first time he had planned a mission on someone's birthday. Even though her birthday wasn't for a few days, the fact that she would spend another celebration alone made her furious and a bit bitter. Sure her siblings spent their birthdays mostly fighting crime but at least they were together while she spent her's with Alfred and her grandmother. Not that she didn't love them but spending time with senior citizens should not be the highlight of her day. It was pathetic. Finally, she decided to go inside making her way up to the living room. A  smile grew on her face when she looked around. The entire room was covered with balloons, streamers, banners and more. It was entirely painted with silvers, blues, purples, and gold her favorite colors. Her grey orbs landed on the people responsible for the glorious surprise, Alfred and Leilei whom she had suspected to be there but Jason and Tim were too. Tears welled up in her eyes her bags plummeted to the ground, "you guys," her voiced cracked as she was pulled into a hug by her brothers. "Happy early Birthday big sis!" "Happy Birthday starlight." "¡ Feliz cumpleaños pajarito!" "Happy Birthday Miss Lerina." She gleamed at her family's cheers, "Thank you guys" she wiped her tears, "but I thought you had to go on patrol tonight?" "We do," Tim answered freeing his older sister from his grip, "but since we're going to be gone in a few days we ditched," Jason clarified with a rebellious smirk. "Unfortunately the rest of the family couldn't make it Miss Lerina," Alfred said with regret in his in tone. "They left gifts though," Tim butted in not giving Lerina an opportunity to frown, "Even Cassandra left one." Cassandra, she normally just gave her a card why would she give me a gift, Lerina thought. Catching her confusion Jason said, " She saw that you were looked down and decided to give you one." It made sense Cassandra could pick up on those sort of things with her unique body reading ability. "Enough chatter let's eat so we can dig into the cake in the kitchen and Lerina can open her presents!" Leilei exclaimed rushing the group. -- For the loneliness will stay with me And hold me till I fall asleep That was how I spent my night that day, happy with the people I care about. But that was a few days ago with today being my birthday everyone was on a mission as planned by the dark knight himself. Having enough of dancing I lay in my bed my bed trying to fall asleep as another memory fills my head. -- I'm a ghost of a girl That I want to be most I'm the shell of a girl That I used to know well "LERINA!" She jumped at her father's booming voice, "Yes?" she questioned poking at her food. It was 2 days after her little surprise party, only 3 days until her birthday so Bruce decided to give everyone a break to have a family dinner.  Kamalei could be very persuasive when she needed to be, "I've been struggling to get your attention for the past five minutes." "My apologies, my mind was elsewhere," she received strange looks from her family but they were overlooked as she continued, "What were we talking about?" "tch," Damian expressed his annoyance gaining the attention of the family, "It's no wonder you're not allowed to join us on patrol," he sneered, "you're too much of a scatterbrain to even watch the monitors. It's a miracle how you've persisted long enough to make it 25 much less run the company without destroying it. A phenomenon really." "DAMIAN!" "MASTER DAMIAN!" her father and butler scolded, Lerina let out a frustrated sigh but ultimately ignored her youngest brother's offensive comment. "Rina is not a scatterbrain," Dick ranted, "Her brain just works differently and there's nothing wrong with that. She's fully capable of handling herself and the company.  She has 15 years of experience and has been taking care of us, you included for 17!" "Let's not forget who saved you from getting suspended last week demon," Jason joined snarkily resuming his meal, "You should show some respect." "Lerina absence has nothing to do with her disabilities her skills are needed here outside of our nightly pursuits," informed Bruce sternly still angered by his blood son's outburst. "Also saying that because she has ADHD is the reason why she's not a vigilante is just as bad as saying Cassandra is a bad one because she has dyslexia," Tim added "Cain, has a usual skill that contributes to our cause Drake," Damian hissed at the former robin's response, "Oh so helping us keep our identities a secret isn't contributing then," he argued. Cassandra just shook her head, it was obvious this wasn't going to end well, "Damian that was-" "This doesn't concern you, Cain," the blood son interrupted, "Perhaps if she-" "OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH," Lerina intervened she had grown tired of the arguing, "Thank you all for defending me and thank you, Damian, for that fascinating input but can we please for once try to have a pleasant family dinner?!" Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you I sing myself a quiet lullaby "Oh yes, mother bird we sure can," Tim replied smugly with a cheeky grin, "Sorry mother hen we didn't mean to ruffle your feathers," Dick teased, Lerina sighed as a rupture of laughter emitted from the table until it dialed down; Bruce picked up on the conversation and said, "To bring us back to the topic at hand we were discussing the mission since we'll be leaving tonight Kathy Kane, Duke Thomas, Stephanie Brown, Barabra Gordan, and Terry McGinnis will patrol over Gotham in our place." Another sigh escaped Lerina's lips, "Only you would bring crime to a normal family dinner." Let you go and let the lonely in To take my heart again "A shame we will miss your birthday Oriel," Damian cooed at his older sister, "Something much more important than you corrupted our schedule, pity." "Master Damian that is enough," Alfred scolded, "It's fine Alfred," she replied coolly," who'd want to spend their special day with the spawn of Satan anyway." Enraged Damian threw his knife directly at her face but before any could react Lerina caught and thrown it back at him just barely missing his head. "Just because I don't act upon those skills doesn't mean I don't have them," she said darkly before uttering a quick 'excuse me' leaving the dining room with her plate. -- Broken pieces of "YOU CAN'T HAVE HER BRUCE! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HER!!" "Ms. Oriel, I know why you hate me but I'm her father, just give me a chance she deserves to know who I am at least," Bruce pleaded desperately with her Kamalei hoping for a positive answer. "NO, NEVER!" Kamalei shrieked in response to his begging, Lerina was 8 years old when she burrowed underneath the stairway listening to her father and grandmother bicker and fight over her as if she was a doll. -- A barely breathing story It wasn't the last time she heard her two guardians fought over her either, it took months for Kamalei to let her go. "I promise you, you will be happy here," Bruce spoke tenderly to his daughter he sounded like he was trying to prove to himself more than his child. "Why didn't mommy tell you about me," Lerina questioned, "I don't know," he answered honestly kneeling in front of his long lost daughter. Now at eye level with her, he continued, "What I do know is that she would be very happy we found each other and I will take very good care of you." -- Where there once was love "Come listen to the song I learned," Lerina said excitedly not noticing the young man her father had brought home, "It was originally made for violin but I was able to play it on piano!" He chuckled kissing his excited little girl on the forehead, "Let's take a rain check on that song, right now I want to introduce you to Richard Grayson." The boy waved at the girl when he was introduced," You can call me Dick." Lerina waved back she had seen him on the news earlier that day, "My name is Lerina Oriel-Wayne and I am your new sister." She began to pull the boy upstairs with her, "Let's go decorate your room, you'll right at home in no time!" Bruce smiled seeing his daughter taking in Dick so naturally, it warmed his heart. "Everything is going be okay I lost my mom when I was young it gets better. It doesn't feel like it now but it will," she said pulling him into a hug,. "Rina" "huh," she questioned not sure what he meant by that. "Can I call you Rina," he whispered smiling when she said yes. -- "What's the matter? Why are you crying JayJay," Lerina questioned the little boy who had climbed into her bed one stormy night. "I'm not crying," he clarified pouting, "I just wanted to make sure you're okay." With a warm smile, she lifted the covers to her bed, "Come on then, I need someone to protect me during this stormed," she swallowed a chuckled when he dove under the covers clinging to her body, "Goodnight Jason." -- "Tim it's not your fault,' she stated trying to soothe the child who was curled up in a ball in the farthest corner in his room. "They died, big sis! They are dead because I wasn't fast enough," Tim sobbed, "I was supposed to save them and I let them die!!" She scooped him up in her arm and rocked him side to side, "It's not your fault." "Bu-" "Did kidnap those hostages? Did you set up those bombs," Tim shook his head in response, "Then it is not your fault Timmy." He stayed silent taking in her words, " Let's go to sleep, I'll sing you a lullaby." For the first time, Timothy Jackson Drake slept the entire night away, what was left of it. -- Now there's only me "Go away, Rina!" Dick growled hearing knock on the door once again, "No Dick, I know you're blaming yourself for his death but it is not your fault!" "I should've been there for him." "There's nothing we can do about it now, why don't we just-" "JUST LEAVE IT LERINA! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU AND I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY!!" Tears falling down his face, Dick slumped on his bed head in his hands as her retreating footsteps. -- "Jason please this isn't you," she begged as the man she practically raised held her hostage just to get back at his adoptive father, "This is me, maybe you should get to know your brothers more before you start begging for your life," he taunted smugly. Being held captive by the Arkham knight in a dingy abandoned apartment building is not how you want to spend your Saturday but when can they Waynes get a break. "Jason, I do know you and you know deep down that they loved and cared for you. If you can't believe that then you at least know I did, remember let you into their bed when you had a nightmare?" "SHUT UP," he screamed and shot her in the leg, "You're only making this worse for yourself and I don't want to hurt you." "You couldn't have said that before you shot me in the leg," she replied sarcastically trying to get her mind off the pain, "Is there any way I can convince you to come home?" He glanced at her before redirecting his attention to a window, "No." "I see," she let out a sigh, "I love you Jason and I'm sorry." "Sorry for wh-" the night sky was the last thing he saw before everything turned black. -- "I wouldn't expect someone like you understand so please just leave me alone, I will go to sleep later," Tim grumbled typing swiftly on the keyboard striving to finish this case. He didn't even realize what he said. Lerina was always disregarded because of her disability, some even assume she can't understand the simplest tasks, hearing from family broke her heart. -- And the lonely "Lerina, I rely on you to take care of these matters without me so I can focus on more important tasks," Bruce grumbled annoyed at the paperwork that was stacked on his desk. "I'm sorry father but some of the paper and decisions need to be signed and made by the CEO of Wayne Enterprise himself and not his shoo-in or else it won't get done, unless you give me permission, " Lerina explained "Nevermind, I'll do it myself you can go," he dismissed her, "Oh and can you dress in something nice tonight I need you to impress a business partner." "Of course" -- Dancing slowly in an empty room Can the lonely take the place of you Dick and I used to be very close, of course, we were he was my first baby brother. We were together the longest it was natural for us. I don't know what happened throughout the years, we just stopped. Soon Jason and Tim came along but Jason doesn't stay at the manor unless it's truly necessary and Tim gets too caught up with his work. Bruce and I haven't been close in years and it's far too late to fix it now. Damian practically hates me more than he hates Tim. Cassandra and I just never clicked, we never had a chance to really.  I had made my decision, I had made it long ago. I didn't even need to pack. -- I sing myself a quiet lullaby "Welcome back young masters, Miss Cassandra," Alfred spoke formally to the returning family, it had been a week, the mission had gone relatively smoothly but it had tired them out. "Good to be back Alfred," Dick spoke with a smile as they slumped on the couch. Something was off but they couldn't tell what. The answer was there but just out of reach but whatever off seemed to put a tense mood in the atmosphere. It was eerily quiet, they decided to focus their attention on a task to distract themselves. The silence was broken when the third Robin spoke up, "Where's Lerina? -- Let you go and let the lonely in I left my phone and my car at home, I didn't want to have anything that they could track when I reached my destination. "I need a place to lay low for awhile just until I make up my mind on where I'm going."  "Took you long enough to leave those assholes." Lerina smiled stepping through the door. Her new life began now. To take my heart again

~Novella Quill

Next Chapter: Starting Over

[pidgelings]

Hey! Did you update the AU list? I don't recall seeing that Suasoculi AU. What the heck is it?

 Hi, anon !! Yes, I did update the AU List and yes that’s one of my new AUs.

XD Yeah, the name doesn’t explain much, does it? So, basically, a Suasoculi (or “Suassie” for short)  is a creature I came up with (don’t know if there are any mythological equivalents, so if there are let me know).

Basically, the name “Suasoculi” comes from two Latin words:Suasorius which means PersuasiveandOculi which means Eyes

A Suasoculi is either a creature that looks human (but does have an alternate, somewhat less human form) or a cursed human whose eyes have a constant hypnotic power to them that the holder can’t control. Basically, if they make eye contact with any person or creature (except for their own kind), they gain control over them. The power can be blocked by things that block the eyes (sunglasses work best but contacts don’t work at all). 

The AU focuses mostly on Pidge, who’s a Suassie, but Keith also is a rather important character. The pairings of the AU are Plance (of course) and Sheith. Anyways, enough explanation, time to get into the plot !!

Suasoculi AU

Pidge

Pidge was born a Suassie and has had her power for as long as she could remember

No one else in her family is one so she’s one of the “Cursed Human” variants of Suassie (how she became one is unclear)

It was kinda hard to grow up as one because her power became stronger as she aged

As a baby, her eyes would just cause someone to stare at them for too long but as she grew up, she found she could control people by making eye contact with them and giving a command

She became afraid of her power and tried to find a way to control or hide it

When she couldn’t control it, she found out that sunglasses could hide it

She quickly bought a permanent pair and only used her power on her family after that to make them not question why she has sunglasses on all the time (she made them believe it was a medical issue)

“I wear them because I’m sensitive to light, okay?”

She’s very much against using her powers on people

It makes her really uncomfortable with the idea of controlling people

The only times she uses the ability is to protect herself and occasionally protect someone else

She hates having the power and she really wishes she could get rid of it

Sadly, nothing can get rid of it

She’s rather isolated and lonely as a result of the fear of her power

That changes when she meets Lance and Hunk though

Lance, Hunk, and “The Debate”

Pidge meets Lance and Hunk around the start of High School

Lance was oddly determined to become her friend and, eventually, she just allowed it to happen

Lance and Hunk were actually one of the first people to reach out to her (as most people thought she was just weird and left her alone) and really try to befriend her

Of course, they were very confused as to why she wore sunglasses all the time

They didn’t really buy her excuse to being “light sensitive” as she wore them even at night around them and it was usually very dark

They never forced her to explain though

As High School started to draw to a close, Pidge realized she had developed feelings for Lance

Only problem? He was head over heels in love with a girl in their school by the name of Allura

Who could blame him? She was a pretty, take no shit type of girl and very popular

This is where Pidge found herself caught in a debate

It would be so easy to make Lance fall in love with her. All she’d have to do is lock eyes with him and give him the command

But, that would be the wrong thing to do

So, she just kinda hoped that Lance would change his mind and fall for her

He didn’t

This is where the debate became harder and harder for her because she has this power for a reason, isn’t it okay to be a little selfish with it once in a while?

It’s during this debate that she meets Keith

Meeting Keith

Pidge bumped into him by accident

Well, actually, he bumped into her

The bump caused her sunglasses to go askew (showing off her eyes)

When she snapped at him to apologize, he turned to look at her (taking off the sunglasses he was wearing in the process) with a glare, until he noticed she wasn’t going into a catatonic state

Pidge was confused why he wasn’t doing so either

He almost instantly grabbed her arm and pulled her aside, causing her to panic

Who the hell was this guy and what was he going to do to her?!

“Calm down! You’re a Suassie, aren’t you?”

Yup, this guy is the same thing she is

At Pidge’s demands for an explanation, the guy introduces himself as “Keith” and explains to her who he is and what they are

Turns out, she’s not the only person with this ability

There are many others; some good, some bad

Keith is actually trying to track down one of these bad ones by the name of “Lotor”

Lotor kinda stole Keith’s boyfriend from him (and not just in a “you love me now” sort of way)

As a kind of way to figure out what kind of Suassie Pidge is, he asks for her help to get his boyfriend back

Seeing as Pidge wants a distraction from her Lance issue, she agrees to help him

Little does she know she had just entered a battle bigger than what Keith let on

Lotor and the “Champion”

Keith and Pidge manage to track down Lotor a day or two after they met (as Keith was already rather close to finding him)

Turns out, Lotor isn’t alone

He’s got 4 other Suassies with him and one... human?

He greets Keith warmly, contrasted by Keith literal growl of a response

When his eyes fall on Pidge though, he’s interested

“Ah, so the Eyes of Marmora are dragging any Suasoculi they can into their ranks? How cute~”

Keith tells Lotor to shut up but Pidge is already confused

Who the hell are the “Eyes of Marmora??”

Lotor tells Keith to not be that way, after all, shouldn’t he be happy to see his boyfriend is safe?

Yeah, the “human” wearing a strange visor/mask turns out to be Shiro, Keith’s missing boyfriend

The visor/mask makes his eyes unable to be seen, which prevents Keith from freeing Shiro from Lotor’s control

Not only that but Shiro now responds to the call sign of “Champion”

Lotor soon sends Shiro to attack both Keith and Pidge

Now, Pidge has next to no combat training at all and Keith refuses to fight against Shiro 

The two are almost taken out... until they are saved by three men wearing rather interesting outfits

Keith seems familiar with these men as he calls one out by name, “Kolivan”

The three drive Lotor’s group and “Champion” away and soon scold Keith

“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TRY TO FACE LOTOR ON YOUR OWN AND WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!”

Keith and Pidge are brought back to the EoM base to explain themselves

The Eyes of Marmora

After explaining their actions and being scolded by Kolivan, Pidge is finally told what the “Eyes of Marmora” are

They’re a group of Suassies that either use their powers for the benefit of humanity or don’t use their powers at all (their name comes from the Suassie that formed their group)

They’re in constant battle with the Eyes of Galra (named after the first Suassie who used his powers for this reason), a group of Suassies that desire to use their powers to benefit themselves and only themselves(They’re pretty much the Suassies that want to control the world)

Keith is a member of them and has been raised by them his whole life

Keith tries to explain to Kolivan that he believes that Pidge could be a great member of the EoM if she’s trained as she was willing to help him despite him being a stranger

Kolivan is hesitant but soon asks Pidge if she’d be willing to join their ranks

He warns her that from just helping Keith that she’s now on the Galras’ bad side and isn’t safe anymore

Not really having much of a choice, she joins them

Keith becomes the main person who trains her as he is excellent in combat (when Shiro isn’t the one he’s against)

Pidge picks things up rather quickly as Keith is a rather unrelenting teacher

Soon, she becomes his partner for missions against the Galra

Turns out, Lotor isn’t the only problem as there are many, dangerous Galra that have to be dealt with

So, Pidge often finds herself suiting up to take Galra down

EoM uniforms are pretty much the BoM uniforms but more casual and modern, being made up of hoodies/jackets, sweatpants, and parkour/paintball armorNothing too fancy

The armor, of course, is enchanted so it’s a lot stronger than it looks

Both the EoM and the Galra use a mix of magic and technology

Pidge is also given her first blade after her first successful mission against a Galra known as Sendak

She and Keith have many encounters with “Champion” and all they can really manage to do is drive him away, never beat him as Keith refuses to hurt him still and Pidge isn’t that strong against him

Pidge becomes really dedicated to her EoM training and missions

Questioning of Morals

As Pidge starts to disappear to do EoM stuff more and more, Lance and Hunk become worried

I mean, their friend is becoming so scarce that she’s almost a ghost at this point

The two eventually head over to her house to ask her what’s up

She doesn’t let them come inside, so they compromise by heading out to the local park to talk

She’s very vague when answering their “Where have you been?!” questions

This only causes more worry in both of the boys

“Do you not want to be our friend anymore, Pidge?”“No! It’s nothing like that!”“Then what is it?”“Like I said, I’ve just been busy-”

That’s when Keith shows up

He asks Pidge if the two guys she was talking with were giving her trouble and she explains that they aren’t and they’re just a couple of concerned friends

Lance takes one look at Keith and pretty much instantly doesn’t like him

Dude looks shady as hell and is wearing sunglasses at night like Pidge

Yup. He doesn’t like the fact that Pidge is talking with this guy so casually

Pidge cannot be having shady friends like this

Meanwhile, Keith gets very worried

He asks Pidge if she close with these two guys and when she confirms his suspicions, he gets extra worried

He doesn’t want either of these guys to end up like Shiro

So, because he doesn’t know how to explain things well, he tries to use his power on them to make them leave and forget about Pidge

This only pisses off Pidge and she stops Keith before he can follow through with it

This betrayal of trust really hurts her

She storms off with Lance and Hunk in a rage and makes sure they both get home safely before she wanders off to sulk

She questions if it’s really even smart to be a part of the EoM and questions how she even got into her situation

She cuts herself off from everyone and everything for a few days as she questions her place in the world

This is when Lotor and his group make their move

They bring Pidge out to the local forest and make her an offer: Join the Galra and not only will her family be safe but she’ll have what they know she wants: Lance in love with her

To prove their point, they even already manipulated Lance to love her and present him to her

He, of course, is very happy to see her and tells her that the two of them could be happy together if she just join the Galra

Now, even though she may not be on best terms with Keith and the EoM but she still has her morals and refuses to accept the offer

However, when she tries to free Lance from their control, a visor/mask similar to the one on Shiro is placed on him as he is commanded to attack Pidge like his life depends on it

Not only that but “Champion” is sent to attack her as well

Battle of the Oak Forest

Pidge is well outmatched by just having to fight “Champion” with no backup but Lance attacking her doesn’t help her situation

She also realizes why Keith refuses to hurt “Champion” as she can’t bring herself to hurt Lance

Also, it doesn’t help that Lance is actually really good at fighting when he thinks his life depends on it

Just when Pidge is about to easily be overtaken by both of her attackers, Keith and a few members of the EoM jump in just in time

The EoM members deal with Lotor and his group while Keith takes on Lance and Pidge takes on Shiro

It’s at this point Pidge notices something she never noticed in all of her previous encounters with “Champion”: There’s a weakness in his visor

That means it can be broken off

She changes her battle strategy to do just that

After a few attempts, she manages to break the thing off of Shiro, causing him to stumble

Keith notices what she did and runs from his fight with Lance, telling Pidge to help Lance while he helps Shiro

Pidge does just that, breaking Lance’s visor off as well before using her powers on him to counteract Lotor’s

The other EoM members managed to drive away Lotor’s group so that everyone can escape

Once they return to their base safely, everyone can take a breather

Reunions and Explanations

Finally, Shiro and Keith can have a long-awaited reunion

It’s very soft as Shiro pulls Keith into a hug that lasts a long time

There a bit of tears on both sides of the reunion as both guys are just so relieved to be together once more

Keith makes Shiro swear not to leave him again, even using his power to make him promise for emphases

Shiro already had no plans on leaving Keith again

Kolivan lets the two have their moment while he tells Pidge that she should  either explain things to Lance (who is currently asking the EoM members way too many questions) or erase his memories of the whole thing

Pidge chooses the former, pulling Lance aside to explain everything. What she is, what she’s capable of, who the Eyes of Marmora are, who the Galra are, and anything else she thinks she should explain

Lance is really awkward and disbelieving of everything at first until Pidge uses her power to make him believe her

Now being fully aware of everything, Lance takes a note of Shiro and Keith’s reunion

The Galra captured him for a reason and made him do something he vaguely remembered and seeing Keith’s relationship with Shiro gives him a better idea as to what that reason is

Of course, he doesn’t ask Pidge. If his suspicions are correct, she’ll tell him her feelings for him eventually

He’s just not sure how he feels about that idea

Him ending up with Pidge? That’s crazy! Right...?

He doesn’t really have much time to think about it before he and Pidge head home

Now, he just has a lot to think about

Shiro and Lance

Now that Lance is in “the know” of what Pidge is, he kinda grows a friendship with Shiro as he’s really the only other human that he knows of that knows about these “Suassies”

Shiro is a rather nice guy when he’s not trying to murder everything while under the control of the Galra

Lance is kinda curious as to how Shiro and Keith ended up together and Shiro tells him the classic: “It’s a funny story...”

Shiro and Keith became friends in middle school (they’re in college now) and Shiro found out on accident what Keith was

Rather than be afraid of him, he was curious and did his best to learn about what Keith was

Years past and their bond grew stronger and stronger until Shiro finally asked Keith out

Keith was afraid at first because, well, he’s a Suassie and he’s rather dangerous

After a lot of comforting and convincing, the two started dating

Lance: “So, how do you two handle the whole ‘no eye contact’ thing? Isn’t that rather important for intimacy?”

Shiro: *chuckles* “I’ll admit, it’s rather difficult to remember at times and I’ve made the mistake many, many times. Still, there’s no doubt that we care about each other... ...Plus, if I’m going to be honest with you, sometimes we break that rule on purpose...~ The ability to give someone a command they have to obey can... spice things up from time to time~”

Okay, too much info, Shiro --

Still, learning about Shiro and Keith’s relationship really helps Lance come to terms and be comfortable with Pidge being a Suassie

Plus, if anything, he’s a lot more intrigued by her

Also, when Pidge and Keith go off to do EoM stuff, it’s kinda nice for the two to have another human to worry about their safety with

Basically, the two become best bros and Shiro starts to hang out with Lance and Hunk more often

An Ongoing Battle

Even though the Galra don’t have their “Champion” anymore doesn’t mean they’re any less of a threat

That also means that Pidge, Keith and the rest of the EoM have to continue to fight

Keith and Pidge reform their bond after that little bump and become partners once more

Shiro and Lance also become great support for the two Suassies

Hunk would also eventually learn what Pidge is as well and become support for her as well, along with her brother (who already knew Pidge wasn’t normal)

Pidge’s parents would still stay blind to everything but they’d still be protected

After all, the battle is nowhere near done and who knows what other things the Galra have up their sleeves

So, yeah, that’s where this AU is at right now. Hope it interests you !! :D

[whereisvanderwood]

Fate Decides.

Yona of the Dawn | Akatsuki no Yona

Kija x Reader - Angst

My Yona of the Dawn x Reader List for more one-shots! Check it out!

"Are you really sure you want to do this?"

"More than sure. I can't stay here any longer. I want to explore, and see the world for myself."

"That is true, but it is dangerous out there. What if-"

"I'll be fine, White Dragon."

"Please, I told you to call me Kija."

With the night's veil creating a beautiful darkness over the white dragon's village, the white dragon warrior conversed with (Y/N). "Close friends" was what the other villagers referred the two as, but they knew they were closer than that. Much closer. With a glum feeling pulsing through the dragon's soul, he sighed hopelessly.

"It isn't like we won't ever see each other again; this isn't goodbye."

"I know, but-"

"Kija... I'm sorry you can't come with me. But I've become desperate. This isn't how I want to live anymore; isolated from the rest of the world in one small village that is practically unknown to anyone outside."

"...Are we really going to see each other again? I get the feeling you will be travelling around the country for some time."

"If we believe that we are meant to be together, then we'll let fate prove it to us. If we are meant to be, I know you will find me." The beautiful girl (Y/N) grabbed a homemade sack that lay on the ground beside her, filled with essential things to keep her going out in the alien cities and villages.

Setting it over her shoulder, she was more than ready. She stepped closer to the one who was precious to her, and wrapped her arms around his sullen figure. "Believe me when I say... I love you."

"And I you." Kija pulled away and forcibly held (Y/N)'s shoulders. "Swear to me that you will run away at the slightest hint of danger, and you will keep yourself healthy and strong." (Y/N) smiled gently at the warrior's soft heart. The title "dragon warrior" was misleading as it gave the impression of a fierce monster of war and battle. But when (Y/N)'s heart drifts to her loved one, she thinks not of his fighting destiny set out for him, but of his gentle heart.

"I swear on King Hiryuu's name," she replied with her hand in the air as if to take an oath.

"Then... I wish you good luck," Kija said, as he knew it was time to give in. He pulled her a little closer and softly kissed her cheek, wishing that this girl wasn't so definite in her decisions.

Slowly, she parted from his side and backed into the mysterious darkness, not turning away from the one she loved until he was out of her sight.

That was four years ago.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Pleasure doing business with you, ma'am." The silver currency jingled in (Y/N)'s hands as she handed over the basket of vegetables. "Have a lovely day!" she smiled warmly.

"Wow, lots of people want to buy your things, Miss (Y/N)!. That has to be like the one hundredth sale today!"

"I wish it was. How ever many sales I made today, I've made enough money to keep me going for the next couple of weeks!" (Y/N) shook the small bag holding all of her profit she had made that day. From only looking at how much the small bag sinks at the bottom, you could tell it weighed a decent amount in her hands. "I should be finished for today then."

"I'll help you pack up then!" a boy, whom had been assisting (Y/N) for the past few days, cheerfully offered. Although he was younger than she by at least three years, it didn't stop from either one considering the other as a best friend.

"Oh! I almost forgot..." (Y/N) opened up her pouch full of her well-deserved earnings, and took out a decent handful as she placed it in the boy's small hands. "Here's your pay for today, Haru."

"B-But you're not even going to count it!? This is... this is way too much!"

"It's fine, really! You deserve it. You worked very hard today with helping make all those sales. I couldn't have done it without you," (Y/N) spoke whole-heartedly, the boy known as Haru completely enraptured by the girl's kindness.

"Th-Thank you so much!" As if he had just remembered what his parents taught him, he bowed as low as he was able to, showing his utmost respect. (Y/N) finished gathering the rest of her things, and ruffled Haru's hair.

"Come on, I'll take you home now." The two walked with their arms full of (Y/N)'s unsold items, strolling down the settling streets of the port town. As they walked, (Y/N) ignored the flirtatious remarks of the wandering fire tribe soldiers, as well as making sure Haru stayed close to her side at this time of day. You could never know for certain what dangers were lurking in the shadows.

"Thank you, Miss (Y/N)!" Haru bid farewell as he gladly accepted what he had been given that day. (Y/N) was feeling rather generous, and wanted to be a blessing to this boy's poor family.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Haru!" (Y/N) walked further on to reach her own small house she was currently renting for the time being, just until she had decided where she would travel to next as a merchant. Out from the corner of her eye, she saw a man walk out of a store about to take down a sign. After reading the sign, (Y/N) quickly rushed over to the man to inquire about this job they were hiring for.

"U-Umm, excuse me!" The man turned around, and (Y/N) placed her things on the ground as she continued to approach him. "Are you really hiring new girls for this job?"

The man had a look on his face (Y/N) wasn't able to make out. She couldn't tell if he looked like the shady type, or perhaps he had just finished a long day of his work. (Y/N) definitely understood how that felt.

The man appeared to look her up and down, checking her figure. His expression turned to a softer, less intimidating one before he spoke. "We certainly are. If you like we could interview you now so you could start tomorrow."

"R-Really? I hate to be a bother at such a late hour-"

"Nonsense," the man rather bluntly said. He opened the door to reveal the inside looking dark and dusty, almost as if there was no shop here at all. He walked further inside, (Y/N) following behind, and opened another door on the far end of the room. "Wait inside here. I will go get the manager."

"Oh, alright then." (Y/N) was hesitant to step inside such a tiny room with very little light illuminating the walls. She walked inside, and subconsciously stood in the centre.

"Please... make yourself comfortable..." the man said as he closed the door ever so slowly. (Y/N) shuddered, knowing that this was no ordinary store. After the door was completely closed, she tiptoed towards it and pressed her ear against it as she could hear two men conversing.

"What are you doing? It's closing hours. The boss said no more today."

"Yeah but this one is a real beauty. She knows how to make money, too."

"Fine. I'll go talk to him to see what he thinks." (Y/N) backed away from the door as she heard footsteps cause creaking in the floorboards. Suddenly very nervous about the reason why the man had really asked her to wait in this room, she began to contemplate how she was going to get out of there without being seen.

But before she could take another step, the floor beneath her opened up, and she fell far below into impending doom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ropes tightly wrapped around her hands, walking blindfolded in a line of more women who had fallen victim to the same trap, (Y/N) knew that she had gotten herself caught up in human trafficking by Yan Kum-ji. Thinking that her life is more greatly in danger than her freedom to travel, (Y/N) had become terrified.

She was lead up ramps, around corners, down multiple flights of stairs and forced to sit silently on the floor of what she could assume was an empty room. (Y/N) knew she wasn't sitting on solid ground, as she could tell from the swaying motion in whatever she was being held captive in. She knew she was on a boat, which could only mean that they were about to set sail into the middle of the ocean.

(Y/N) recognised this feeling; being trapped away from the world without a say. Her thoughts drifted to her dragon warrior friend, whom she wished was here now with her more than ever. They both knew they had feelings for one another, but where they wanted to be were both different. (Y/N) couldn't stand living in one village all her life and wanted to explore and discover the world with her own eyes. But of course, it being called the white dragon's village, Kija was not permitted to leave under any circumstance.

(Y/N) wished she only considered how lonely she could possibly become after being away from her home for so long. Thinking about her family and friends back in the village, far away from where she was now, it brought a sort of comfort to her trembling body. It gave her a new motivation to break free from this imprisonment.

"Ao..." (Y/N) faintly heard a voice next to her whisper. The next moment she heard some sort of scurrying across the floor, like a critter. Her hands suddenly fell slack and she could move them freely. She was more puzzled than ever.

"Don't move yet," another voice whispered. "Your ropes are free, but stay still for the moment." Uncertainty echoed softly amongst the women, who were now more than ever confused as to what was happening, (Y/N) included.

After some moments of obvious commotion, the women removed their blindfolds and saw that a guard had collapsed with a sort of needle in the back of his neck. (Y/N) hated needles, and averted her eyes from the sight.

"D-Did you kill him?" one of the women asked in fear.

"No, it's only a sedative. But he'll be out for a while, twelve hours at least. We still need to act quickly though."

(Y/N) stared at the two women in awe. How daring and confident they were to take a stand put (Y/N) in some sort of trance. She knew that she herself was strong willed, but not all the time. Not in life-threatening situations like this one.

"We're here to rescue you, all of you. So don't worry, we'll get you out of here soon," the one with bright, vibrant red hair spoke self-assuredly.

"We have an entire army behind us," the other one spoke with just as much confidence.

"Well, maybe not an army exactly... but a ship full of allies. They're coming to help us. I promise you."

The two women began making their way up to the deck, when one of the other ladies, Yuri, volunteered her help. (Y/N) stood up with her, really wanting to work towards being a greater blessing than she believed she could be.

Climbing up the ladder out of the basement of the ship, she felt as though a force was lifting her out of the darkness. Like Kija was right above her, extending his kind hand to break her free from her chains of dread.

"Now... we just need to figure out how to light the firework on deck-"

"I can do that!" (Y/N) jumped at the opportunity to help.

Yun stuttered at her eagerness to help, but also at the determination in her voice. He couldn't say no. "B-But how will you do it?"

"There has to be all kinds of lanterns on the deck, so I could light the firework there. But I would need you to distract the guards for me. I'm sorry I'm asking for you to do something dangerous-"

"Think nothing of it," the beautiful red haired girl spoke. "You can count on us!" Yuri, bravely decided to do the distracting with Yun and the red-haired girl, Princess Yona. But of course, the other women did not know that fact.

The three of them took the lead and crept out on deck first, causing a fair amount of ruckus. (Y/N) hurriedly snuck around the commotion and found the nearest lantern. She held the wick to the flame, setting off the firework with no problem at all. Unfortunately, it didn't take long before all four ladies had been caught and pinned onto the deck by guards who were hiding.

"What did you set off back there?" one of the men questioned (Y/N). He took the weight of his foot of her back, and walked around to her front to forcibly grab her chin. "Well? What was it!?"

(Y/N) didn't croak out a single word, and stayed silent. She noticed how the man had positioned himself, and took the chance to spin her legs around, causing him to trip over.

The other men fumbled with their weapons as (Y/N) started charging through, knocking a few overboard into the cold water. Out of nowhere, someone dropped in front of her from high above, and stood tall.

"My my, for a beautiful lady such as yourself, you sure put up a fight," he spoke in a seductive tone. After a few moments, she recognised him to be one of the pirates protecting Awa. She felt at ease once more.

"Jeaha, you made it!" The princess called out with a smile. Snapping back to reality, (Y/N) went around to help everyone up, all the while Jeaha was holding off oncoming enemies.

Abruptly the ship was rocked viciously and the group realised that another ship had attached itself to the one they were currently standing on. "Mercenaries!?" Jeaha exclaimed.

Many more men than before filed onto the ship, heading straight for the women and Yun. Before they began retreating to a safer place, a sword cut through the men swiftly. They all fell, and behind them was a man wearing a freaky mask.

"Shinah!"

"That's two dragons on our side now!" Yun happily exclaimed. "I can't believe Thunder Beast isn't here yet."

"Hak is fighting valiantly on the other ships along side Kija. I thought it would be handy to bring someone who could see in the dark," Jeaha explained.

(Y/N)... froze. Her heart beating faster than the flapping wings of a humming bird.

That name...

Was it true...?

"Where is that ship?" (Y/N) asked in a low voice, needing the answer at that exact moment.

"It's quite far away. You'd have to go through at least 3 other boats to reach it-" before the green dragon could finish, (Y/N) had already made a dash across the ladder attached between the ships.

"Wait, (Y/N)! It's too dangerous!" Yona called out after her. Shinah quickly sped ahead of (Y/N), and beat down any men that were standing in her way. The noises were draining out, and the blue dragon was almost invisible to her eyes despite him being directly in front. Her legs didn't stop.

(Y/N) had already crossed three ships, but still could not see the dragon warrior she was looking for.

"Calling my weapon barbaric? Says the guy with a dragon claw!" (Y/N) suddenly heard a voice say, and she knew instantly who they were referring to. She turned a corner where dozens of men held their weapons...

and there he was. Standing in the middle of it all.

"Kija!" The words echoed throughout the air, and the white dragon turned around, ceasing all fighting he was doing only one second ago. His mouth open in disbelief, and his entire body turned stiff.

Something glinted in (Y/N)'s vision, and she looked up to the crow's nest of the boat. She recognised a faint silhouette of a man, pulling back a bow and arrow, aimed straight for the white dragon's head.

Not having the words to cry out in warning, (Y/N) sprinted to Kija as fast as he could, and pulled him out of the arrow's direct line of fire. She stood protectively in front of the man she was hoping for so long she would meet again, and there...she took the shot.

Staggering backwards a few steps after her breath hitched in her throat, she grasped her right shoulder as she fell backwards into a pair of arms.

"(Y-Y/N)!" Kija frantically shouted. He knelt onto the ground of the deck, and Hak was instantly in front of them as well as Shinah, providing a cover for the two.

"Get her out of here, now!" Hak yelled as he fought on. Terrified, Kija delicately slipped his arms around (Y/N)'s body and hurriedly carried her away from the scene.

"(Y/N)... W-Why did you do that for me!? What are you doing here!?" Kija's eyes brimmed with tears as he tried finding Yun as soon as possible. Of all places, of all times... why here and now!?

"B-Because he was going t-to kill y-you," (Y/N) struggled out.

"S-Save your strength! Yun can help you, okay!?" (Y/N) couldn't help but smile at Kija's frantic expression he had every right to express. (Y/N) held onto the arrow where it lodged into her to stop it from shifting every step.

(Y/N) couldn't remember the last few minutes with Kija holding her close, and so she was surprised to find herself already being treated by Yun far away from where any fight was. "We have to pull it out now, (Y/N). It's going to hurt..."

Scared, (Y/N) felt her hand around the floor to find Kija's, where he instantly held her hand with his dragon hand. She breathed deeply. "Y-You'll be alright, (Y/N). I promise," the white dragon's trembling voice dared to speak. He gently lifted her head into his lap, where he stroked her face gently. It was so warm.

With a firm grip, Yun yanked out the arrow as cleanly as he could. (Y/N) tried to hold it in, but couldn't help but scream bloody murder. Kija tried his best to ease her pain as much as possible, whilst trying not to show his pain either. Yun wasted no time in applying pressure to the deep wound whilst Yona got the bandage and medicinal herbs ready.

After Yun covered carefully but quickly applied stitches to (Y/N)'s shoulder and tightly wrapping the bandage, he said that she should be alright. "I'll give you two some time alone," Yun said as he saw their expressions.

Kija brushed his human hand across (Y/N)'s face covered in tears, both hers and his own. "I... can't believe you're actually here." He bowed his head lower, trying his best to cover his emotion. "And to think you'd end up here... in the middle of all of this..."

(Y/N) squeezed Kija's dragon claw as much as she was able. "I wasn't expecting... you here either..." she huffed out. "But remember.... what I said that night?"

Kija raised his head a little and subtly nodded. "If we were meant to be... fate would prove it to us."

(Y/N) smiled. "So this proves... that we're meant to be together now... No rules..." Kija could see that (Y/N) eyes were struggling to stay open, clearly from exhaustion. He bent over low, and kissed (Y/N) passionately on her lips.

In the distance, loud cheers could be heard and the rising sun could be seen across the water.

"It sounds like we won..." Kija sighed with relief as he looked to the horizon, as well as stroking the side of (Y/N)'s face. He looked back down, where (Y/N) was smiling with content. "Get some rest, (Y/N). You deserve it."

My Yona of the Dawn x Reader List for more one-shots! Check it out!

[marigoldbaker]

on heroes

“History and prophecy are not written rules unless we let them be. Slayers shouldn’t fight alone.”

An alternate take on Prophecy Girl, set in s1.

ao3

for @sih bc their headcanony conversations w me inspired this and i love them!!!!!!!! so much!!!!!!

Jenny wants to say something, when Rupert looks up at her with those cold, determined green eyes, but she’s seen that look on so many faces too many times. She’s spent enough time trying to change hearts and change minds to know when there’s nothing to be done.

Don’t, she wants to say, and it feels wildly inadequate, because—shouldn’t she be telling him how brave he is, how heroic? Shouldn’t someone? Maybe that’s not what heroes need, though. Maybe they don’t even realize how good they are.

“Don’t,” says Jenny anyway. Her voice comes out smaller and more vulnerable than she’s ever let it be in front of him.

The fact of the matter is that she’s selfish. She’s not like him. She’s felt so isolated in this small suburban town, on a mission of vengeance that her heart was never really in. When she looks at Rupert, she feels like there’s someone she can at least be mostly honest with, if not all the way. All the way honest is a little too honest for Jenny. Always has been.

She sees Rupert falter at the look on her face. She wonders how afraid she must be, to make him look like that. “Are you quite all right?” he asks, sounding honestly surprised.

Jenny has never been good with emotions, and she doesn’t know what to tell Rupert. I don’t want you to die seems too clingy for two people who only sort of know each other, but she’s been so lonely for so long, and some part of her still hopes that she and Rupert can form some sort of friendship from this alliance. He trusts her, clearly, enough to tell her that he’s a Watcher—why can’t she be honest with him about this?

“He’s a centuries-old vampire.” Jenny has to force out every word. “You can’t just—charge in and kill him like some kind of conquering hero. It’s stupid.” God, this is not what she wants to get across, but maybe if she gets him angry enough, he’ll forget about being heroic. “Stupid, and—and elitist—”

“Elitist,” Rupert repeats. He sounds dryly amused. It unnerves Jenny that he’s this calm about going in on a suicide mission. “Ms. Calendar, I’m well aware that you think little of my values—”

“Shut up, okay?” Jenny moves forward, skirting the table to stand in front of him. “Just—shut up. I don’t want to hear about it. This vampire is going to kill you, and Buffy will not be happy about her Watcher being killed, and, and what am I supposed to do when the Vampire Slayer finds out that I just let her Watcher go down and get killed?”

Rupert’s face softens. Jenny feels uncomfortably understood and has to take a step away. “I really am sorry,” he says. “I—I can understand how this sort of thing can be distressing to hear.”

“And you’re going to miss finals,” Jenny finishes loudly. She doesn’t like the thought of Rupert recognizing her as distressed. She’s not distressed, anyway. She’s just—shaken. Because of the deaths. And the earthquake. Earthquakes do tend to shake people up.

“I trust that you’ll tell Buffy—” Rupert begins.

Jenny looks at him, and—oh, god, she’s not brave, she’s not special, she’s not a Slayer or a Watcher or a vampire trapped under the ground. But she imagines becoming the kind of person who lets someone go charging off to their death alone, imagines Rupert becoming another name on the list of Sunnydale High casualties, imagines living with the knowledge that she could have done something—

“I’m coming with you,” she says.

A series of emotions flicker across Rupert’s face. First bemusement, then wide-eyed shock, then a soft, surprised kind of appreciation, but he seems to settle on indignance long enough to say sharply, “Absolutely not.”

Jenny feels a rush of fury at the fact that he thinks he can just stop her from doing things, and decides to focus on that instead of the sheer terror that comes with the thought of her facing the Master. “Oh, you are not serious,” she retorts, taking a step forward and stabbing Rupert’s chest with her finger. “You don’t get to play the—the Watcher card or whatever the hell this is right now. I helped you with Moloch, so I’m helping you with this.”

“This is an entirely different area of expertise,” Rupert says. To Jenny’s surprise, he’s beginning to look frightened, much more so than when he was talking about going down to face the Master by himself.

“Wow, you really can’t work with a team, can you?” Jenny crosses her arms and begins to stalk over to the weapons cabinet.

Rupert grabs her shoulder, pulling her back to face him. “I will not be responsible for any deaths tonight,” he says fiercely, “be it through action or inaction. You are staying here.”

“Oh, of course,” says Jenny very sarcastically, “because orders work so well on impressionable, fragile women like me.” She looks up at him, almost comforted by their argument. It feels so much easier to be angry at Rupert than to be scared for him. “You know I’m just going to follow you,” she says. “Why don’t you at least make sure I’m properly armed?”

Rupert hasn’t let go of her shoulder. “He is a centuries-old vampire,” he says quietly. “Chances are that he will kill us both without hesitation.”

“I’m not letting you die by yourself in some weird underground chamber,” says Jenny angrily, and realizes too late the genuine honesty behind the statement. The anger is gone very abruptly when she sees the change in the way Rupert’s looking at her, and she tries to fumble for something else to say. “Snob,” she manages, but her voice breaks.

Rupert gives her a wobbly smile. Quietly, his hand lets go of her shoulder, grazing her arm before moving to tangle her fingers with his. “Annoyance,” he murmurs, and it almost feels like he’s trying to comfort her.

“Luddite,” Jenny forces out. It doesn’t make the situation feel any less frightening or any more normal.

“Thank you,” says Rupert quietly without letting go of Jenny’s hand. It’s very clear that he’s not talking about being called a Luddite. “I would never have expected this of you. Nor asked it.”

“Yeah, well,” says Jenny awkwardly. She doesn’t know what to do with herself.

This is when Buffy comes in, slow and deliberate. She looks slightly startled upon seeing Jenny, but doesn’t comment, just looks to Rupert and says, “I’m going.”

“You are most certainly not,” says Rupert, and his hand tightens around Jenny’s.

“What, and you and Ms. Calendar are?” Buffy’s got that same determined look on her face that Jenny had seen on Rupert just a few moments ago.

Jenny’s had enough time to work through her dumb-struck hesitation to know that she can’t stand by and let a sixteen-year-old girl go down by herself. She thinks, casting around desperately for something that will give Buffy pause— “Prophecy,” she says, tugging her hand free of Rupert’s, “is a stupid thing to live your life by. You let yourself be ruled by what some guys and their books have decided, you end your life just because you’re so determined to be the Slayer—”

“What do you know?” Buffy’s voice is hard and angry all of a sudden, no longer detached and resigned. Jenny knows enough from arguments with Rupert to know that this in itself is a small victory. “You can’t possibly know anything from a five-minute briefing session Giles gave you. Being the Slayer is my life. It’s who I am. It’s not something I can discard at will just because I think my life is more important then the people the Master’s gonna kill if he walks free.” Her eyes are glimmering with tears. “I want to live,” she says, and it’s both fierce and small.

Jenny breathes out. She doesn’t know what to say.

“Prophecy is what I’ve lived my life by ever since they told me what I was,” says Buffy, and sniffles. “I’ve already made my decision on this. Please don’t make it harder than it has to be.”

Maybe things would have turned out differently if Jenny hadn’t looked over at Rupert. But when she does, she understands exactly why he was ready to fight the Master for this girl. He’s looking at Buffy like his whole world has condensed to the tears in her eyes, and Jenny knows just like that—Buffy is Rupert’s world.

“Buffy,” he says, very softly. Almost a plea.

“Prophecy says you have to fight the Master.” Jenny steps up, and now she’s crossing her arms to keep them from shaking. “P-prophecy doesn’t say that you have to do it alone.”

Rupert looks over at Jenny. So does Buffy. She’s expecting them both to launch into another argument, each trying to get the other to stay behind, but then Rupert says, “I agree.”

“Giles—” Buffy begins.

“I was wrong. I’ll readily admit it.” Rupert looks back up at Buffy. “History and prophecy are not written rules unless we let them be. Slayers shouldn’t fight alone.”

“One girl in all the world—”

“And Rupert,” says Jenny. “And me.”

“And us.”

All eyes turn to the two figures standing by the counter. Willow’s gripping one of the swords from the book cage, and Xander’s fumbling with a mace.

“No,” says Buffy sharply. “Guys, Giles and Ms. Calendar are adults. I can’t stop them on this one.”

“And you can’t stop us, either,” Willow replies with that tender stubbornness that usually makes Jenny smile. Right now, it’s making her feel nauseous.

“Yeah,” Xander agrees, and nearly drops the mace on his own foot.

“Actually, I agree with Buffy on this one.” Rupert moves forward, trying to tug the mace away from Xander. “Xander, Willow—you two are hardly prepared, I couldn’t let you—listen, just, just stay with Ms. Calendar—”

“Oh, you are not sidelining me,” says Jenny sharply.

“Ms. Calendar’s going?” Willow sounds horrified. “Giles, she’s never fought anything before!”

“Willow, you’re fifteen, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you go down and fight a vampire,” Jenny retorts.

“Give me the mace!” Rupert’s snapping at Xander.

“No way, Giles!” Xander bursts out.

“Look, you’re not being reasonable—” Jenny persists.

“Just because I’m fifteen—” Willow begins angrily.

“WOULD EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP?” Buffy shouts.

Rupert lets go of the mace, eyes wide. Jenny turns to look up at Buffy, and Xander and Willow seem to do the same.

“No one is getting anywhere,” says Buffy fiercely, “if all we do is yell at each other about who’s going and who’s not. There are two things that are very clear right now: no one wants the Master to get out, and no one wants anyone else in this room to go down and fight him and possibly die.” She looks over at Giles, and her expression softens. “Which means a lot,” she says, “but I don’t think now’s the time for anyone to try and play the lone hero.”

Rupert nods, trying to smile.

“If we do this,” says Buffy, “we do this together.”

This is not at all the way Jenny saw prom night going. “I’m in,” she says, and steps forward, bumping her shoulder lightly against Rupert’s. As an afterthought, she turns to him and informs him, “You owe me a dance at prom when we get back.”

“Most certainly,” says Rupert, who’s giving her that shy, appreciating look again. Jenny’s not sure what to make of it. He looks back up at Buffy, and says, “I-I agree. I’ll join you.”

“And us too, Buffy, it goes without saying,” says Willow, giving Buffy a shaky, frightened grin. Jenny tries to imagine how brave Willow must be, and can’t. At fifteen, she would have run from the room at the thought of fighting a master vampire. “We’re gonna take him down.”

“Sure are,” Xander agrees. “Now, let me put back this mace. There’s no way I can figure out how to use it.”

The kids head towards the weapons cage, and Jenny heads toward Rupert. She wants to say something—she’s not sure what—but he beats her to it with a, “There’s still time for you to back down, you know.”

A few months back, this would have made Jenny furious. But she sees the fear and worry in Rupert’s gaze when he looks at her, and she knows that his reminder doesn’t come from a place of condescension. He wants her safe, she realizes. It’s the first time in a long while that someone’s thought to want that. “I’m going,” she says with conviction. “Someone’s gotta make sure you don’t die.”

She waits for Rupert to laugh quietly, or sigh dramatically, but he just looks at her and says shyly, “I-I believe I’ll rather like dancing with you, when we get back.”

God, he’s so genuine. It makes Jenny feel weirdly happy, looking at him, especially considering that they’re probably going to die in like five minutes. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, that’ll be nice.”

There’s a little kid waiting outside the school, pale and expressionless. “Help me,” he says, walking straight up to Buffy without any regard for the rest of them.

“And the Slayer will not know him,” says Rupert quietly, “and he will lead her into hell.”

Jenny wishes she was brave enough to kill the little demon, but all she can think about is how sad his mom must be. Wherever she is. Maybe his mom’s dead too.

Buffy looks over at Giles, then takes the kid’s hand. “All right, guys,” she says.

“Only you,” says the Anointed One.

Buffy smiles, then, the first real smile Jenny’s seen from her since she entered the library. Her hand tightens on the Anointed One’s. “Sorry,” she says. “My friends are a package deal.”

Xander loads his crossbow in what seems to be an attempt to look threatening and nearly stabs himself in the hand with one of the bolts. Next to them, Willow readies her sword.

“I won’t take you to him if you aren’t alone,” the Anointed One informs Buffy. “Prophecy says—”

“We defy prophecy,” says Rupert, and it’s the first time that Jenny’s felt all warm and happy to hear him sounding his austere, snobby self. Not that he’s actually a snob—that’s become remarkably clear tonight. But still. “We are going. And there’s nothing you can do to change our minds.”

The Anointed One looks at them, looks at Buffy, seems to decide that it isn’t worth a fight, and says, “It’s your funeral.” Turning, he begins to walk, heading towards…the sewers.

Gross.

“Do vampires just…habitually live in disgusting places?” Jenny asks Rupert quietly as they walk. “Is that just a thing with them? Like, you know, they drink blood, they kill humans, they live in awful little holes in the ground?”

“You are quite exasperatingly yourself in every scenario,” says Rupert, but he’s smiling a little. “Are you—holding a baseball bat?”

“I’m not using a giant broadsword or a knife or whatever,” Jenny informs him seriously. “I have the keys to the PE locker, and I utilized them.” She smiles back. “Plus, I played softball in college. I’ve got a killer swing.”

The Anointed One gives Jenny a weird look over his shoulder, as though he doesn’t get why she’s talking about softball when she’s walking to her doom. Jenny gives him a look back, partially because she doesn’t get it either and partially because she doesn’t appreciate getting weird looks from their pint-sized vampire tour guide.

It’s eerie in the sewers, half-lit by torches that don’t do that great a job of illuminating their path. Jenny finds herself holding onto the sleeve of Rupert’s tweed jacket, just to make sure she knows where she’s going and doesn’t stumble and fall and get murdered by the Master, who maybe decided to sneak up on them. Maybe this whole thing with the Anointed One is a ruse. Maybe he’s lying in wait. Maybe—

Rupert’s jacket slips out of Jenny’s grasp, and there’s a jolt of panic until she feels his hand move to take hers. “You’ll be all right,” he says very quietly. “I promise.”

There’s nothing even remotely reassuring about that, no matter how much Jenny wants to find comfort in his words. She’s starting to wish that she’d just let Rupert and the kids go off into these sewers and—and gone home. Had some tea.

Found out the next day that everyone she cared about in this town was dead.

Yeah, no. Much as Jenny hates this oppressive, awful fear, she knows she’s made the right decision. She holds tightly to Rupert’s hand as they enter a more well-lit area—an entrance, she realizes.

The Anointed One stops, letting go of Buffy’s hand, and points down towards the stone steps. He pushes past them all, not seeming all that interested in drinking anyone’s blood. Small mercies, Jenny thinks. Imagine having that be the way she died—kindergarten vampire food.

Buffy steps forward first, then Willow and Xander, then Jenny and Rupert. Jenny wants to be brave enough to let go of Rupert’s hand. She isn’t. Surprising, that Rupert doesn’t seem to think less of her for holding on so tightly. If we don’t die, she thinks, I’m going to tell him how wrong I was about him. Somehow.

“Fascinating,” says a low, old voice.

Jenny can’t let go of Rupert’s hand. She really needs to, but she can’t let go of Rupert’s hand.

“The Slayer isn’t usually foolish enough to bring along a little posse,” says the Master, moving forward and out of the shadows. His gaze flits from Buffy to Willow to Xander to Rupert to Jenny. He doesn’t pause on her, which is a little bit of a relief.

Jenny can’t imagine being as brave as Buffy is now, staring down the Master with nothing but contempt in her eyes. “Some people call it foolish,” Buffy says, taking a step forward. There’s no fear in her. “I call it strength.”

“Strength,” the Master repeats with amusement. “You call it strength, that you need so many weak mortals around to believe you will defeat me? I call it a security blanket.”

“Then you’re stupider than I thought,” says Willow, her voice high and angry. “A-and there’s no shame in having security blankets!”

“Being afraid is only a weakness to weak people,” says Rupert, in a cold, reserved sort of way. His thumb strokes Jenny’s hand comfortingly. “I expect you wouldn’t understand that sort of thing.”

Buffy takes another step forward, studying the Master. “I’ve spent a lot of time being told that it’s a Chosen One who has to slay the vampires,” she tells him, her voice bouncy-conversational in the same way Jenny’s heard her speak to teachers and friends and parents alike. “I’ve heard that in the end, it’s a final showdown between you and me.” She looks over her shoulder, smiling at them all with tender appreciation, and Jenny starts to understand why it’s this girl that Rupert would have given his life trying to keep from a prophesized death. “But I have people who care too much about me to believe that,” she says, “and what that tells me is that there’s no reason I should be scared of you.”

The Master scoffs. “How comforted will you be when I paint the walls red with the blood of your friends?” he demands, and raises a hand towards Willow.

Jenny sees the look in his eyes, the way his hands reach with those claws. She’s read enough about vampiric thralls to know what the Master’s about to do, and—and she’s seen too many deaths in this town to let a girl like Willow fall. “You’re stalling,” she says loudly, determined to distract him, make him angry.

The Master turns to her. “How so?” he inquires, indifferent yet inquiring, kind of the way a cat plays with a mouse.

Jenny hates that metaphor. She wishes she had time to think of something a little less cliché. “You don’t need to hurt any of us,” she says, and tries to think of all the stupid things Rupert’s done so that she can be angry enough to be brave. But all she can think of is his sweet little half-smile, the kind that makes her want to stay in one place instead of run, and the way it feels when she knows she’s surprised him.

She thinks about that, and—she’s okay. She’s good with what happens. Well, not really, because she’s not that much of a hero, but she figures that she’s lived enough of a life to go out making fun of a master vampire. Way more impressive than getting eaten by the Anointed One. Jenny’s getting off topic.

“Fear’s what controls the weak,” says Jenny, looking straight at the Master. She’s kind of borrowing Rupert’s words, but whatever distracts the Master works well enough for her. “Love is what motivates the strong.”

“And you think that because I attack you, I am afraid?” The Master sounds cruelly amused by this. “Foolish woman. For one so well-spoken—”

“I think you’re too afraid to attack the Slayer directly,” says Rupert, who seems to understand what Jenny’s trying to do.

“I think what they’re getting at is that you’re a big old chicken,” Xander puts in.

“I think you could do with a nose job!” Willow puts in, looking exhilarated by her own bravery.

Buffy looks behind her, and there’s a sparkle in her eye. “My friends,” she says, and there’s a beautiful, bright smile on her face. “They’ve always got my back. Who’s got your back when we kick your ass?”

And that’s when Rupert rushes the Master.

Rupert is the one who picked up the mace, which catches the Master straight in the knees. This is a pretty smooth move, because when Willow comes in swinging with a broadsword, she leaves a deep gash in the Master’s arm as he doubles over. Buffy’s throwing punches left and right, Xander seems to still not understand how to use a crossbow properly, and Jenny finds herself bringing a baseball bat down on a centuries-old vampire’s head.

“You know, I never was the violent type,” she yells to Rupert over the chaos. The Master’s putting up quite a fight, and it’s all she can do to dodge his return blows. “I was voted Bookworm in my high school yearbook.”

“Oh, you read books?” Rupert shouts back. “Glad to hear you didn’t always undervalue the written word.”

“Could you guys stop bickering for two seconds,” Buffy demands as she hits the Master across the face, but there’s a laugh in her voice.

That’s when a blow from the Master happens to catch Willow in the stomach. Everyone else seems much too busy trying to divert the Master with various weapons to actually reach Willow, so Jenny drops her baseball bat (gratefully, Xander stops awkwardly hitting the Master with his crossbow and picks the bat up instead) and leans down, winding an arm around Willow’s waist to pull her up and away from the fight.

“I’m—fine,” Willow wheezes.

“No, I got that,” Jenny agrees, moving Willow over to lean against a wall. “Let’s take a breather, okay?”

“Buffy—needs—me—”

“Buffy’s a pretty kickass chick,” Jenny reminds Willow, smoothing down her hair. “And so are you. You’re the reason he’s bleeding all over his nice stone floor.”

Willow coughs and laughs, smiling a little dazedly up at Jenny.

“Stay here,” Jenny directs her, making sure that Willow’s holding tightly to her sword. She looks like a little warrior, dusty and bloody and pigtailed. Jenny turns back to the battle—

The Master throws a hand up, knocking Rupert and Xander both back against the wall. Willow manages to catch Xander as he flies at her, but Rupert’s head hits the wall with a painful-sounding crack.

Jenny runs.

Rupert’s breathing. He’s breathing. Jenny pulls him into his lap, and—and there’s a lot of blood, but she read somewhere that scalp wounds bleed a lot, and he is so not dying on her before she gets that dance. “You got your chance to be a hero,” she says fiercely, “and you were great, okay, just—don’t die on me, Snobby.”

“Don’t call me that,” says Rupert blearily. “Also, ow.”

Jenny sniffles (was she crying?), smiles, and looks up at Buffy and the Master.

“Look at your friends!” There’s a triumphant laugh in the Master’s voice. “Huddled, wounded, sobbing—it takes so little to frighten humans. You call love strength? I call it weakness.”

“Oh, put a sock in it,” says Buffy, and breaks Jenny’s baseball bat in half, thrusting the broken-off end through the Master’s heart.

“Thank you for bringing that,” Rupert mumbles. “Quite—quite convenient, really.”

Jenny looks up at Buffy. She’s shaking a little, now, but when she turns back to them, she’s smiling too. “We did it,” she says, and then she just straight-up starts crying.

“Oh—” Rupert tries to pull himself up to Buffy, but he falls dizzily back into Jenny’s arms, head against her shoulder. “Oh, I—”

Willow and Xander stumble to Buffy, encircling her in a tight hug as she sobs. They’re whispering proud, bright words of reassurance, and it seems like they’re both crying a little too.

Jenny leans against the wall and holds Rupert in her arms, letting herself look at him. His eyes are half-shut, his cheek on her shoulder, and there’s blood all over her sweater. He’s holding her just as much as she’s holding him. There’s something profoundly comforting about that. “You okay?” she murmurs.

Rupert raises his head, wincing. “I’ve had worse,” he says. “Given—my line of work, this is really just another day at the, um, office. So to speak.”

“Your office sure is a heck of a place,” says Jenny, and they both laugh, more out of nerves and adrenaline than anything.

Turns out, it is a flesh wound. At least, according to Rupert, who stubbornly refuses to go to the hospital. “It’s too late,” he keeps saying, “and I am not missing prom.”

“God, you sound like Cordelia,” Buffy teases him gently, pressing the wet cloth to the back of Rupert’s head before beginning to bandage the injury. It’s difficult for Jenny to make out what Buffy’s doing in the dim lights of the Bronze, but it seems secure.

“I’m going to look like an idiot,” Rupert mutters.

“Oh, come on.” Jenny knocks his shoulder. “Who are you trying to impress?”

Rupert colors, and gives her a furtive look through his eyelashes that makes Jenny’s breath catch a little. The playful smile freezes on her face.

“Hey, I love this song!” Buffy starts bouncing her head to the beat. “Ms. Calendar, can you finish him up? I have got to get back out there—Willow says she’s gonna buy me a cookie. You know, for saving the world and everything.”

“I think you deserve more than just a cookie, Buffy,” Jenny comments, smiling slightly.

Buffy smiles back before handing Jenny the bandages. “Hey,” she says quietly to Rupert, and places a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks.”

Rupert looks up at Buffy with those soft, proud eyes. “Of course,” he says, and rests his hand over Buffy’s very briefly, watching her as she hurries happily off to dance with Willow.

Jenny steps over to stand behind Rupert, working on the bandages. The bleeding seems to have stopped, which makes the whole bandaging thing somewhat easier. “You feeling better?” she asks, letting her hand brush his forehead in what could be considered a caress.

Rupert leans back into her touch, very slightly. “Thank you,” he says. “You were—incredibly brave tonight.”

This gives Jenny pause. All she can remember about the sewers and taking down the Master is a haze of fear. “I was very afraid tonight,” she says carefully, finishing with the last of the bandaging.

“And yet you hit the Master over the head with a baseball bat,” Rupert comments, and gets up out of his chair to face Jenny, looking at her with an admiring smile. “Ms. Calendar—”

“Jenny,” Jenny corrects him.

Rupert’s eyes get all soft, like melted chocolate—or, no, his eyes are green, but Jenny can’t think of anything green that’s quite that warm and welcoming. “Jenny, then,” he says. “It’s—impossible to be brave without being afraid. It’s quite possible to back down when one is as afraid as you were.”

“You noticed that, huh?” Jenny tries to smile, but feels something hard and sad in her chest. She can’t look at him.

“You misunderstand me.” Rupert reaches out, placing a tentative hand on Jenny’s arm. “It takes a special kind of bravery to do the right thing at great personal risk to one’s own safety, and—given your relative inexperience with fighting vampires, I had never expected you to make the choices that you did tonight.”

The conversation’s becoming too raw and real for Jenny. The way Rupert’s looking at her makes her want to move away from his touch and onto the dance floor. She’s not ready to let anyone in, let alone some guy who’s probably going to end up dead in the next few months. “Are all your nights like this?” she says, trying to smile.

“Generally, I go home after the vampire throws me against a wall,” Rupert quips, letting his hand drop from Jenny’s arm as he adjusts his glasses.

Jenny feels—she’s not sure how to describe it. Acutely aware of the fact that she’s alive, maybe, but that doesn’t explain the almost-dizzying adrenaline rush every time she looks at Rupert. Like she wants to say something, or do something, but she doesn’t know what just yet. A slow song starts playing, and she makes her decision, taking Rupert’s hand and holding it up between them. “Dance with me,” she says. Rupert begins to stammer something, but she reminds him, “You said you would, England. Don’t you dare back down on me now.”

Rupert fumbles, then smiles. “I’m afraid I’m not much of a dancer,” he confesses.

Jenny considers this, then leads him off the dance floor, off into a quieter, more secluded corner of the Bronze. She glances over her shoulder to see if anyone’s noticed, but everyone in the vicinity is either dancing or drinking some of the possibly-spiked punch. “Here,” she says, smiling slightly. “No one can see our bad dancing, and we can still hear the music.”

Tentatively, Rupert moves forward, taking Jenny awkwardly in his arms. At first, it’s just haphazard swaying, no real dancing to it, and they seem almost painfully out of sync. But then Rupert’s hand finds a place on Jenny’s waist, and his other hand takes hers, and he’s leading her in a quiet little waltz, the kind that belongs in a romantic movie with soft lighting and low music.

Jenny is close enough to Rupert that, were she a bit taller, they could be dancing cheek to cheek. She can pretend that it’s just because she misses being close to someone, if she wants, but she doesn’t like that; what she does like is pulling back and seeing that it’s Rupert holding her.

There are some things you go through together and it’s just—you can’t not be close after that. Jenny can’t stop thinking about Rupert’s hand in hers in the sewers. He didn’t have to be as kind as he was, but he cared enough to try. “You’re a bona fide hero, you know that?” she says softly as they sway to the beat.

“Hardly.” There’s a rueful laugh in Rupert’s voice.

“Do you always have to argue with me?” Jenny pulls her head back, smiling at him. This is a strange, new kind of argument, one without quite as much angry heat behind it. Still some heat there, though. Definitely. “Would it kill you to just let me say that you’re a hero and keep dancing?”

“Much as I do appreciate the sentiment,” says Rupert in a half-sad matter-of-fact kind of way, “one moment of impulsive heroics does not a hero make.”

“Heroes don’t get to decide whether or not they’re heroes, Rupert,” Jenny tells him. “Other people decide it for them.”

“Yes, well, that seems a bit…” Rupert trails off, eyes drifting to Jenny’s mouth. “Foolish,” he says finally. “You don’t know everything about me.”

“Isn’t that the whole point of calling someone a hero, though?” Jenny tries to sound light and playful, but she means what she’s saying and she gets the sense that Rupert can tell. “Pointless, naïve idealization? You call me brave without a second thought,” her voice is getting softer, slower, and Rupert’s face is getting closer, “you tell me I’m admirable, I’m special…”

And then they’re falling together, holding each other, kissing softly in the back of the Bronze.

 It feels—Jenny doesn’t want to think about how it feels, because it feels like she’s not lonely anymore, and that in itself could be pretty damn terrifying it she lets it. But Rupert is so tender, arms encircling her, cupping her face in his hands like he wants to drink her in. She wonders how long it’s been since he’s been this close to someone. He kisses her like it’s been a very long time.

The song changes, the music blaring, and Jenny pulls slowly away to look at Rupert. She doesn’t know what to say; nothing seems quite enough after a moment like that.

Rupert doesn’t fumble, doesn’t falter, just looks at her with those beautiful eyes, and Jenny realizes how much she wants to kiss him again—not hard and bruising, but softly, slowly, letting him hold her. She traces his cheek with her fingers, and Rupert closes his eyes at her touch. “Do you want to get back to dancing, or do you want to head someplace more, um, private?” she asks quietly.

Rupert hesitates, glancing towards the dancing students. “I suppose I should check in with Buffy before I leave,” he says finally, stepping slowly away from Jenny. “I’ll—” He wavers, then leans in, giving Jenny a brief, sweet kiss. His hand lingers at her waist, pulling her fleetingly against him before he steps away. “I’ll be back,” he tells her with a small, wonderfully happy grin.

“Okay,” Jenny agrees, dazed and delighted. “Yeah.”

She lets herself fall back against the wall as soon as he’s gone. Her heart is pounding as she presses her fingers to her mouth, trying to suppress her open-mouthed smile.

So many things have happened tonight—they’ve saved the world, defied an ancient prophecy, killed a vengeful vampire with half a baseball bat—but somehow, the kiss she’s just shared with Rupert is the most remarkable happening of all. It’s not that he’s gentle, because she’s always kind of figured him to be that type, and it’s not that she’s attracted to him, because she figured that out a while before now. It’s that Rupert Giles is someone special, brave and kind, more than Jenny had ever imagined.

He’s someone who trusts her. Someone she wants to learn how to trust.

Rupert returns, smiling a little nervously, as though he thinks she might have changed her mind about him in the few seconds he was gone. Jenny gives him a reassuring smile in return and takes his hand, tugging him wordlessly out of the Bronze.

There are still so many things she doesn’t know about him, and even more that he doesn’t know about her. But the way Jenny feels now, when she looks at Rupert—it’s the first time in a very long time that she isn’t afraid of being all the way honest with someone, or at least trying to learn how.

She likes the way that realization feels.

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

Top 10 Twilight Zone Episodes

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Top 10 Twilight Zone Episodes

Fifty-eight years ago on October 2nd, the Twilight Zone aired its first episode. Since then, generations of viewers have been horrified and mesmerized by episodes containing alien encounters, living dolls, telepathic children, and much more. To celebrate this legendary television show, we’ve complied a list of the top Twilight Zone episodes. These episodes are not only the most memorable but discuss issues that can still be relevant and terrifying in today’s modern world. Without further ado, here are the top 10 Twilight Zone episodes.

10. “A Stop at Willoughby”

This Twilight Zone episode follows Gart Williams, an overworked and unappreciated ad executive who is dissatisfied with his life. On his commute home every night, he falls asleep on the train. Yet, when he wakes up, he hears a porter calling out “Next Stop, Willoughby.” Gart notices that the train has made a stop in the past, July 1888 to be exact. The peaceful pace of life in this 19th century town is all too alluring for Gart. He tries to tell his wife about Willoughby but she dismisses and mocks him.

Later, when he is no longer able to handle the pressures from his job, he has a breakdown at work and takes the train home. After falling asleep, the conductor beckons him to Willoughby only for Gart to jump from the train to his death. As the episode ends, we see the undertakers, Willoughby and Son, taking away Gart’s body.

While this episode is not the most terrifying of the Twilight Zone series, it still gives off a haunting impression. The issues Gart dealt with, feeling isolated and overburdened in the busy modern age, still rings to those living in the 21st century. Maybe there are other people out there longing for their own escape to Willoughby.

  9. “It’s a Good Life”

“It’s a Good Life” opens like any other Twilight Zone episode. Rob Sterling informs the audience that the town of Peak

sville is the only remaining town on Earth. It is also being terrorized by a monster. We soon learn that this monster is not a huge beast or strange-looking alien. Instead, a little boy with telekinesis is the one threatening the town. The people of Peaksville are forced to always think happy thoughts. If anyone thinks or does anything that displeases the boy, he will hurt or kill them.

Many critics believe that this is one of the most powerful Twilight Zone episodes. Viewers in 2017 and beyond can still be terrified by imagining what life would be like if they lived in Peaksville at the mercy of whims of an evil child.

  8. “The Lonely”

In the future, prisoners are sentences to solitary confinement on asteroids millions of miles from Earth. This Twilight Zone episode focuses on of these prisoners, James A. Corry who has been sentenced to stay on an asteroid alone for 50 years. His only company comes four times a year when a crew arrives to deliver supplies. The captain of this ship begins to pity Corry’s isolated existence and secretly gives him a female robot called Alicia for company. At first, Corry hates the robot but as loneliness sets in he interacts more and more with Alicia.

As time goes by, Corry falls in love with his robotic companion. When the spaceship returns, Corry learns he has been pardoned and can return to Earth. However, there is not enough room in the ship for Alicia to go with him. After another member of the crew accidentally shoots Alicia, Corry is forced to leave her behind.

As robots are now beginning to be manufactured for human companionship, this episode of the Twilight Zone reminds us of how powerful and potentially dangerous it is for humans to become attached to artificial intelligence.

  7. “The Midnight Sun”

This episode is a nightmare wrapped in another nightmare. Artist Norma and her landlady struggle to stay alive in their apartment building as the Earth moves closer to the Sun. New York City is almost abandoned as many have fled North to escape the heat. Even at midnight, the Sun is out causing temperatures to rise above 110 degrees. As the heat causes the paint to melt off her Norma’s canvas, everyone else left in New York goes insane from the high temperatures. Norma awakes to find that this has just been a nightmare, a result of her high fever. She soon learns that the Earth is actually drifting farther from the Sun, plunging the planet into freezing cold temperatures.

This Twilight Zone episode has a Lovecraftian feel to it as the characters are at the mercy of cosmic forces. The terror of this episode can be easily appreciated by modern viewers as we all reply on the Sun to sustain life on Earth.

  6. “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”

This episode contains one of the most iconic scenes from the Twilight Zone. In the beginning of William Shatner’s career, he took on the role of Bob Wilson, a man recovering from a nervous breakdown he had on an airplane several months ago. Now, Bob must face his first flight after being released from a mental hospital.

As the flight progresses, Bob notices a gremlin on the wing of the plane. Yet, whenever he calls other people over to look at the creature, it hides from sight. Bob sees that the gremlin is damaging the wiring and metal paneling on the wing. Bob ties himself to the inside of the plane, opens the emergency door and shoots at the gremlin. When the plane lands, Bob is escorted away by doctors bound to take him back to the mental hospital. Yet as the episode closes, the camera pans to the damage on the plane’s wing.

This Twilight Zone episode is sure to scare modern viewers just as it scared audiences in the 1960’s. Our fears of something going wrong during a flight have only increased since this episode was aired.

  5. “The Obsolete Man”

It is clear that “The Obsolete Man” episode of the Twilight Zone is about our fears of living in a totalitarian regime. In this episode, Mr. Wordsworth is on trial for crimes against the State as both books and religion have been outlawed. Wordsword both believes in God and is a librarian. Because of this, Wordsworth has been deemed obsolete, meaning he will be executed for not contributing to society.

Wordsworth accepts his fate but requests that he gets to choose how he will die. Wordsworth chooses to die by having a bomb placed in his apartment and tricks one of the leaders of the State to visit him before he dies. Just before the bomb goes off, the leader begs God to let him live which is a crime against the State. While he is able to escape the bomb that kills Wordsworth, he is later sentenced to being obsolete.

This episodes touches on issues of free speech, freedom of religion and the power of the government which are important issues that are relevant in modern times and will be discussed for years to come.

  4. “The Eye of The Beholder”

This Twilight Zone episode has one of the most memorable twist endings of any TV episode. Janet Tyler is a patient at a hospital where she has just undergone her 11th treatment for her deformed appearance. With her head wrapped entirely in bandages, she has live in darkness for several days. Unable to stand it any longer, she begs the doctor to take her bandages off early. As he and his nurse prepared to remove the bandages, they discuss the nature of beauty and how they pity Janet for her poor appearance. As the bandages come off, we see that Janet looks like a normal woman and that the doctors and nurses all of the twisted faces that closely resemble pigs. Since Janet has failed to live up to this society’s standard of beauty, she is banished to the ghetto re severed for the ugly.

This episode highlights the Twilight Zone‘s ability to comment on social values and expectations. Even over 50 years later, this story makes an important statement about placing too much value on beauty and physical appearance.

  3. “To Serve Man”

U.S. code-breaker, Michael Chambers and his employee, Patty are assigned the immense task of decrypting a text from the alien race, The Kanamits. These large aliens have evaded Earth but promise to help humans by ending hunger and providing an endless energy source. They even promise to take thousands of people to their home planet for a better life. At first, the code breaking team are only able to decipher “To Serve Man” from the title. Assuming the aliens want to help humans, Chambers decides to board the spaceship to their home planet. Just as he is about to get on to the ship, Patty runs up to him yelling that “To Serve Man” is a cookbook.

This Twilight Zone episode taps into the common fear of extraterrestrials which is sure to strike fear into the hearts of generations to come.

  2. “Time Enough At Last”

This heartbreaking episode follows, Henry Bemis is a bank teller and avid reader. His boss and his wife both bullying him day in and day out. His work and his wife interfere with his reading as his wife takes it upon herself to destroy some of his books. One day while he is in the bank’s vault, an atomic bomb is dropped, killing everyone around Henry for miles. Much to Henry’s relief, he now has as much time as he wants to read. Just as he is able to settle down with a pile of books he took from the destroyed library, his glasses fall off and break.

The tragic irony of this Twilight Zone episode makes it one of the greatest and most memorable episodes in American television that can still be appreciated today.

  1. “Monsters are due on Maple Street”

Strange events start happening in the quaint and peaceful suburban neighborhood located on Maple Street in an American town. Load noises and power malfunctions soon destroy the tranquility of the afternoon. The neighbors begin to believe that an alien invasion is occurring and behind to look for the possible alien in disguise. People being accusing each other, even children, of working with the aliens to cause the strange power outages. Eventually, the whole neighborhood erupts into a fight. The camera zooms out to reveal the aliens controlling the power outages from afar. These extraterrestrials state that they won’t even have to fight humans to take over Earth if they can so easily cause us to fight with our own kind.

This episode of the Twilight Zone not only can be terrifying from the perceptive of the characters on Maple Street but has an important message about how fighting among ourselves and turning our backs on our friends makes us weaker instead of stronger.

  What is your favorite Twilight Zone episode? Tell in the comments below!

[thehaakun]

why i like p/5 a lot

okay well i’m still depressed and still slightly in that mood i was in tuesday morning but i’m going to make this post to keep my mind off things

anyway here’s a long detailed essay on why i love per/sona 5 & why it especially resonates with me (this is obviously. super spoilery.)

I’ll detail why I relate to almost every single one of the characters and why each one is important to me:

Akira

Everyone plays their MC differently of course, but I always play mine as kind as possible. The unjust hand he was dealt and the injustice that followed him afterward for trying to save someone. He just wants to save people. He wants to be good. He wants to save the world. He wants to help his friends. He’s trying his best, even though everything’s really hard on him but he still fucking tries anyway. He does his best to be a good friend and to help others with their problems. He just wants to help. He doesn’t ask for anything in return, never expects anything in return. 

Akira never expects anything from helping people. He just doesn’t want anyone else to experience the suffering and injustice he was put through. He can’t fathom hurting others the way others have hurt him. I just...feel the same. I want to help others be the best they can be -- and I want to make sure no one suffers as I did. I’m not as good at it as Akira is, but I’d like to be someday.

Even through the tough times, Akira’s there for his friends. He doesn’t give up on them. He doesn’t run away from them. He sticks by them and he tries his best to help. He doesn’t abandon people. I wish...I wish I had a friend like Akira.

Ryuji

Number one: His anger problems. Ryuji has a lot of anger management issues and. Honestly. That was my entire life. I’d snap and snarl and bite the second things got rough and I relate to Ryuji so fucking hard because he just feels so much anger for the world and what it fucking did to him and his friends. He feels SO deeply and his anger reaches so far within him that it’s really fucking hard for him to not be angry at unjust situations.

But Akira helps him through it and helps him manage his anger and Ryuji practices better emotion management through his Social Link and it really shows that Akira’s really fucking helping him be better. Ryuji learns to get a grasp on his anger; he still feels it, of course, but it’s not a gut reaction to lash out anymore. He accepts his anger and channels it towards helping and being better. By the end of his social link, Ryuji improves his anger management skills and he really fucking grows as a person. He remains committed to justice and fighting for what he believes in but he no longer uses his anger as a rash, abrasive, way to react to situations.

I have so many anger management issues, and I feel Ryuji’s anger for the world on such a level. But seeing Ryuji get helped by Akira really makes me think I can do it too. (I used to think my friends were helping me with my anger too...But past week has started making me reconsider if I even...have friends.)

Ann

Oh, Ann. I love her so deeply, so much. She suffers on such a colossal level. Her loneliness at the beginning of the game is so fucking apparent. She’s by herself, alone, ostracized, no one wants to talk to her. That kind of fucking isolation -- I know what that is, I’ve been there. It hurts a fucking lot.

But the thing about Ann that makes me cry every time she speaks is that she still feels compassion. She still wants to be a good person. She still wants to be nice and kind. Even after everything, even after everything she suffered, she still wants to be a good person. I’ve...suffered a lot too. My childhood was really fucked up so I don’t exactly have Ann’s past but I’m trying really fucking hard to be a good person despite what the world did to me. I still feel anger -- a lot of it -- but seeing Ann, and how she suffered but still feels compassion and love and how she fights so fiercely for those close to her...It makes me cry. 

She honest to god just wants to make the world a better place. Not just for herself but for her friends and for everyone in the world too.

Yusuke

I’d love to be as good at art someday as Yusuke but what gets me the most about him is that he’s trying to find meaning in his work -- in his art, in his life. He’s also always stuck in seeing the good in people -- his insistent statements on how Madarame took care of him and how Yusuke works so hard to try and believe that Madarame, somewhere deep inside, is a good person really fucking got me. Yusuke will always see the good and bad. Was Madarame really fucked up in what he was doing? Yeah. But Yusuke can’t forget that Madarame was kind to him, that Madarame raised him, that Madarame took care of him, that Madarame let him live in his house -- Yusuke can’t forget all those acts of kindness.

Even though he’s angry at Madarame for using him -- I completely understand why Yusuke took so long to see Madarame as...well, really bad. I always feel like I’m fucking making excuses for the behaviors of my friends (?...Friends...I don’t really know if I can call them that anymore) and it’s just been. This general fucking trend with me that I’ll always make excuses and I’ll always try and understand a friend. Like, “Oh, they’re busy...Oh, their phone died or something...Oh, they’re just in a bad mental state right now...Oh, it’s just --” I’m always making excuses and I feel like, like Yusuke, that traps me in this really shit relationship and I’m just stuck always thinking about how they were kind to me JUST ONCE and how I’ll end up making more excuses to keep people in my life because I know they can be nice to me. Like, I want to believe really hard -- Yusuke’s social link makes it apparent that he still believes there’s a little bit of good in Madarame -- that my friends (?) are good people, and they’re trying their best to be good people. I want to believe in my friends and think they genuinely care about me.

But there’s only so many times I can be stomped on and...forgotten. Or used. Yusuke got fed up with Madarame too but...in his social link, he still can’t forget the kindness...

God, I cry for Yusuke. He’s a good kid but people used him and no one regrets it either.

Makoto

Makoto, by far, is the one I relate to super fucking closely. Just straight up -- the model, perfect student who studies hard and is considered by many to be incredibly intelligent. Shit, that was me. 

What fucking got me about Makoto is that -- okay, honestly, when you’re up at the top like that barely anyone talks to you in a genuine way. They’re always either intimidated by you, or they use you because they know that you have the intelligence, the books, the smarts to answer any question or do any task. 

It’s really fucking lonely. You don’t have a lot of genuine friends who will treat you with respect and honesty.

What fucking devastated me most about Makoto is that she’s trying so hard to prove to people/the world that she is worth something. That she’s worth it. Because she’s scared that if she’s useless no one will want her, no one will want to be with her, no one will want to talk to her and she’ll end up as alone as ever. That’s...that’s me. She tries so hard for everyone because she wants to feel wanted. 

I wish I could have her awakening when she just realizes, “Fuck this. Fuck what everybody says.” And she decides, by herself, that she IS worth it. SHE HERSELF IS WORTH IT. And the world won’t decide that for her. 

I cried in the game when Makoto said she finally found a home because. I thought...I’d found a home too. With certain friends. I thought I found a place where I belonged and found people who were happy to be with me. I thought I found a home.

 But...the past week just made me feel like I don’t have a home anymore. I’m...unwanted. I’m not useful enough or cool enough or funny enough or talented enough or anything for anyone to even think of me or want me in their lives or to even fight to keep me in their lives. It just feels like...no one’s making that effort for me...I’m not good enough for people. And trying to change myself and be better hasn’t made any difference.

I wish I could be Makoto. I wish I could find a home and I wish I could find friends that’d want to be with me and hang out with me.

Futaba

Okay, honest to God here, Futaba’s hacking/computer skills and hermit life is basically what I lived for a good portion of my high school years. I just. Lived inside a room. Dad would bring up food. I’d never go out. I’d always be on my computer. That was me.

Her mental illness -- it’s pretty fucking clear she has one -- is debilitating, and she wants help so badly. It’s preventing her from making relationships and she knows that and she reaches out FIRST.

Futaba REACHES OUT to get help. Because she knows she needs it or else her mental illness will consume her and she’ll end up killing herself. She asks for help because she doesn’t want to die. She knows she has to change or else her life will never improve. It’s damn terrifying for her to reach out and she’s scared shitless but she does it anyway.

And her mini-therapy she has with Akira made me fucking cry because she makes a list of concrete goals to make sure she improves herself, that she builds up her skills on building relationships with people. She makes a goddamn list. That’s...that’s what I had to do in my therapy sessions. I’d make a list of concrete goals to achieve to make myself a better person and to improve my mindfulness skills. (And Akira’s gentle the entire way. When Futaba makes mistakes, he calls her out on it, and Futaba knows she made a mistake, but Akira does his best to make sure Futaba doesn’t make it again and she improves as a person)

I cried at the end of Futaba’s social link because by the end she’s really fucking grown and she’s reached out to people and formed new relationships by herself. She’s no longer debilitated by her mental illness -- it’s still there, of course -- but she’s grown up. She got the help she needed. She reached out and someone responded. (It just feels like...when I reach out...no one responds.)

Akechi Goro

He is me. Or was. Or maybe still is. But the Justice arcana makes complete sense to me and it makes sense to me why he turned out the way he did. God, Akechi...He’s who I feel like I could turn out to be someday if...things get more fucked up.

He wanted vengeance for everything the world did to him, for how the world treated him. He called his vengeance justice, and I completely understand why he wanted to tear Shido to shreds, to destroy him from the inside out. Shido abandoned him -- left him. Akechi was alone. No one wanted him. No one ever wanted him. So he did his best to make himself wanted. He used his power -- terribly, of course -- so that people would want him. So that he could be worth something to somebody. He was so fucking lonely the entire time and him lashing out at the end and going berserk -- I know what that feels like. And at the height of his popularity -- still, no one wanted him. Genuinely, no one wanted him. They were only interested in his detective skills -- but no one ever wanted to get to know Akechi Goro and understand his suffering.

Sometimes it just feels like going berserk and going extreme is the only way people will notice you, that people will change their behavior and treat you better because now they’ve seen just how fucking awful it is when they abandon you. But Akechi...God. Nothing changed for him. He died, in anger and in grief and he died ALONE. All he wanted was JUSTICE for what happened to him, he wanted to tear the world apart, to rip it to shreds and destroy it for what it did to him because he never fucking deserved the suffering he got. I know Akechi because I am him. Was him. Still am, maybe. I don’t know. But Akechi’s story could’ve been mine. Maybe it still could be.

He ended up dying trying to do what was right, to atone. He can’t really atone for what he did -- he literally murdered dozens of people -- but he, at the end, tried to do the good thing. I’m still trying to do that too. I’m trying to be good. But it’s really fucking hard. And lashing out -- the way he did -- maybe he felt like that was the only way for people to see just how much he was suffering and for someone to try and save him and be there for him.

He lashed out because he didn’t know how to ask for help. Like me, I think he tried asking for help before and never got it -- he was always ignored, shunned, thrown aside and eventually only going to the extreme and lashing out was the only way for people to notice him. Asking for help and never getting it just leads to you escalating your emotion to get someone to notice (got that from therapy...). Or care. I know what he feels. I know how he felt. And I understand perfectly well why a good kid like him would turn into a murderer.

He believed no one ever thought he was worth fighting for, that he was worth anything to anybody. That’s why he was alone. Because he felt like no one wanted him. And I feel like that right now.

Haru

A little harder for me to relate to Haru, but this poor girl suffered so much. Her dad literally fucking died, she had to deal with the fallout of this giant ass company she never asked for, and then on top of that, has to deal with the Phantom Thieves shit. But she still remains soft throughout...She remains strong, holds fast to her beliefs and has a great deal of compassion for others. 

Her dad literally fucking gets MURDERED on LIVE TELEVISION and 3 days later she bounces back up because she knows she has to take care of the employees of her company and she has to be there for the Phantom Thieves.

Oh, Haru. You’ve been through so much but you’re still a light in the darkness. You still want to be.

Morgana

I could. Cry and cry and cry about Morgana. When he leaves the group because he feels like he’s useless and unloved and unwanted...That’s how I feel right now. Even though Morgana still loves each of the Thieves and still believes that they’re all good people -- he fucking left because he just felt so unloved. So unwanted. He felt like people didn’t need him anymore because there were others in the group that could replace him. So Morgana ran so he wouldn’t have to feel the pain of caring about people who didn’t care about him.

And I cried even more that the Thieves were so worried about him. The Thieves looked for him, ran after him, made the effort to bring him back because they genuinely cared about him and they fucking apologized. Like, that just made me cry so hard because god I fucking wish I had friends like the Thieves. The Thieves fought for Morgana. They fought to bring him back because they loved him and cared for him.

It just feels like no one’s going to fight to bring me back. And I feel so much like Morgana when he ran away. I’m discarded, thrown away. Forgotten. No one thinks of me. No one cares about me. I feel like a deadweight a lot because I can’t offer anything of value. People are just going to forget about me because I’m not worth anything to them.

And then Morgana probably believed everyone loved Futaba or even Ryuji more than him. Morgana probably believed everyone cared about the humans in the group more than him. Morgana probably believed that the Thieves would prioritize the humans first, and they’d never think of him.

---

Honestly, it just feels like the...’friends’ (?) I had...It just feels like they’d pick that one friend over me. Even though I still think they’re good people and I’ll make up Yusuke excuses for why they left me alone...It still really fucking hurts to be left behind and forgotten and unloved and not thought about.

That’s why I love P5. Because every single character is a part of me. They’re all reflections of who I am and every single one just wants to belong.

I just wish, that at the end of P5, everyone feels like they have a home now. They have the Thieves. Their tight knit group of friends who they feel they belong to. 

I wish. I had a place I belonged. I used to feel like that. But getting kicked out of a home. Hurts a lot. Or, maybe in their eyes, it looks like I packed up my bags and ran away from home. Like Morgana.

Morgana came back because the Thieves looked for him. I don’t think...the ‘friends’ will look for me, or fight to keep me in their lives. And I always have that doubt in my mind now that whispers, ‘why would you even want to be friends with people who forget about you in the first place?’

But like Yusuke, I still believe they’re good people. In therapy I learned that everyone is trying their best. And I want to believe that these friends are trying to be good people. Like Ann & Haru, I still want their lives to be better too. Because now that I’ve suffered on this colossal of a level I couldn’t possibly inflict that on other people. But I just wish I had an Akira & Makoto who’d stay with me the entire way as I try and be better and who won’t give up on me and who’d fight for me too. I want to believe that my therapy, like Futaba’s, will make me a better person and life will change.

But it feels like nothing’s changing. Nothing I do makes a difference and like Akechi, people will never want me or think I’m worth anything so I’ll be vengeful and bitter forever.

I don’t know how life will go. But. This is why P5 means a lot to me.

[krystisyaandwine]

To celebrate the release of Elizabeth Brigg’s latest novel Future Threat, this AMAZING panel of authors played Author Truth or Dare and made all of us audience members laugh until we cried.

Erin Summerill was the hilariously ruthless moderator that made these ladies do things like spell the title of their book with their bottom, sing one of the blurbs from their books opera-style, reenact a kissing scene from their book with a mirror, and so MUCH more.

Between all the shenanigans we did get to learn about how Elizabeth Briggs uses a giant white board in her office to keep track of the giant timeline for her thrilling time-travel series. I can’t even imagine how complex that timeline has got to be!

We also found out what each of these amazing authors is working on at the moment.

Kathryn is working on book 3 in the Burning Glass series as well as a new super secret project. (YAY!)

Elizabeth is working on book 3 in the Future Shock series, which sounds like it will have even higher stakes than the first two books and will include some post-apocalyptic elements.

Tricia is working on the second book in the Daughter of the Pirate King duology, which we will hopefully find out the title of soon!

Erin is working on Ever the Brave, the second book in the Clash of Kingdoms series.

We naturally had a few YA and Wine members on the scene, and we all agreed that this was one of our favorite book events we’ve ever attended.

There were a couple other YA authors on the scene that have books releasing this year! Rosalyn Eves, author of Blood Rose Rebellion, was there and was nice enough to sign my ARC copy for me. Emily R. King, author of The Hundredth Queen, was also there and signed my copy, which was actually her first ever signature on an ARC copy of her book!

  I was also the SUPER lucky winner of one of the night’s giveaways, an ARC copy of Crystal Blade, the sequel to Kathryn Purdie’s Burning Glass.

About the Books

Want to know more about the books by these authors, check out the descriptions below and add them to your Goodreads list!

Future Shock by Elizabeth Briggs

What do you do when the future is too late, and the present is counting down to an inevitable moment?

Elena Martinez has street smarts, the ability for perfect recall, and a deadline: if she doesn’t find a job before she turns eighteen, she’ll be homeless. But then she gets an unexpected offer from Aether Corporation, the powerful Los Angeles tech giant. Along with four other recruits—Adam, Chris, Trent, and Zoe—Elena is being sent on a secret mission to bring back data from the future. All they have to do is get Aether the information they need, and the five of them will be set for life. It’s an offer Elena can’t refuse.

But something goes wrong when the time travelers arrive in the future. And they are forced to break the only rule they were given—not to look into their own fates. Now they have twenty-four hours to get back to the present and find a way to stop a seemingly inevitable future—and a murder—from happening. But changing the timeline has deadly consequences too. Who can Elena trust as she fights to save her life?

The first book in an unforgettable series about rewriting your destiny in the city of dreams.

Burning Glass by Kathryn Purdie

Sonya was born with the rare gift to feel what those around her feel—both physically and emotionally—a gift she’s kept hidden from the empire for seventeen long years. After a reckless mistake wipes out all the other girls with similar abilities, Sonya is hauled off to the palace and forced to serve the emperor as his sovereign Auraseer.

Tasked with sensing the intentions of would-be assassins, Sonya is under constant pressure to protect the emperor. But Sonya’s power is untamed and reckless, and she can’t always decipher when other people’s impulses end and her own begin. In a palace full of warring emotions and looming darkness, Sonya fears that the biggest danger to the empire may be herself.

As she struggles to wrangle her abilities, Sonya seeks refuge in her tenuous alliances with the charming-yet-volatile Emperor Valko and his idealistic younger brother, Anton, the crown prince. But when threats of revolution pit the two brothers against each other, Sonya must choose which brother to trust—and which to betray.

Daughter of the Pirate King by Tricia Levenseller

There will be plenty of time for me to beat him soundly once I’ve gotten what I came for.

Sent on a mission to retrieve an ancient hidden map—the key to a legendary treasure trove—seventeen-year-old pirate captain Alosa deliberately allows herself to be captured by her enemies, giving her the perfect opportunity to search their ship.

More than a match for the ruthless pirate crew, Alosa has only one thing standing between her and the map: her captor, the unexpectedly clever and unfairly attractive first mate, Riden. But not to worry, for Alosa has a few tricks up her sleeve, and no lone pirate can stop the Daughter of the Pirate King.

Ever the Hunted by Erin Summerill

Seventeen year-old Britta Flannery is at ease only in the woods with her dagger and bow. She spends her days tracking criminals alongside her father, the legendary bounty hunter for the King of Malam—that is, until her father is murdered. Now outcast and alone and having no rights to her father’s land or inheritance, she seeks refuge where she feels most safe: the Ever Woods. When Britta is caught poaching by the royal guard, instead of facing the noose she is offered a deal: her freedom in exchange for her father’s killer.

However, it’s not so simple.

The alleged killer is none other than Cohen McKay, her father’s former apprentice. The only friend she’s ever known. The boy she once loved who broke her heart. She must go on a dangerous quest in a world of warring kingdoms, mad kings, and dark magic to find the real killer. But Britta wields more power than she knows. And soon she will learn what has always made her different will make her a daunting and dangerous force.

The Hundredth Queen by Emily R. King

As an orphan ward of the Sisterhood, eighteen-year-old Kalinda is destined for nothing more than a life of seclusion and prayer. Plagued by fevers, she’s an unlikely candidate for even a servant’s position, let alone a courtesan or wife. Her sole dream is to continue living in peace in the Sisterhood’s mountain temple.

But a visit from the tyrant Rajah Tarek disrupts Kalinda’s life. Within hours, she is ripped from the comfort of her home, set on a desert trek, and ordered to fight for her place among the rajah’s ninety-nine wives and numerous courtesans. Her only solace comes in the company of her guard, the stoic but kind Captain Deven Naik.

Faced with the danger of a tournament to the death—and her growing affection for Deven—Kalinda’s only hope for escape lies in an arcane, forbidden power that’s buried within her.

In Emily R. King’s thrilling fantasy debut, an orphan girl blossoms into a warrior, summoning courage and confidence in her fearless quest to upend tradition, overthrow an empire, and reclaim her life as her own.

Blood Rose Rebellion by Rosalyn Eves

The thrilling first book in a YA fantasy trilogy for fans of Red Queen. In a world where social prestige derives from a trifecta of blood, money, and magic, one girl has the ability to break the spell that holds the social order in place.

Sixteen-year-old Anna Arden is barred from society by a defect of blood. Though her family is part of the Luminate, powerful users of magic, she is Barren, unable to perform the simplest spells. Anna would do anything to belong. But her fate takes another course when, after inadvertently breaking her sister’s debutante spell—an important chance for a highborn young woman to show her prowess with magic—Anna finds herself exiled to her family’s once powerful but now crumbling native Hungary.

Her life might well be over.

In Hungary, Anna discovers that nothing is quite as it seems. Not the people around her, from her aloof cousin Noémi to the fierce and handsome Romani Gábor. Not the society she’s known all her life, for discontent with the Luminate is sweeping the land. And not her lack of magic. Isolated from the only world she cares about, Anna still can’t seem to stop herself from breaking spells.

As rebellion spreads across the region, Anna’s unique ability becomes the catalyst everyone is seeking. In the company of nobles, revolutionaries, and Romanies, Anna must choose: deny her unique power and cling to the life she’s always wanted, or embrace her ability and change that world forever.

#Booknerdigans at the @lizwrites event! @KathrynPurdie @erinsummerill @TriciaLevensell To celebrate the release of Elizabeth Brigg's latest novel Future Threat, this AMAZING panel of authors played Author Truth or Dare and made all of us audience members laugh until we cried.