#give me more of that interesting stuff and less of this stupid fucking ''no fault divorce is destroying the nation''

[tacobellebandit]

tfw conservative professors in your humanities classes :/

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

I'm seeing a lot of online creators I follow falling into increasingly toxic styles of Online Brainrot "Discourse" and its making me really sad. They're getting that flat-behind-the-eyes, closed-mouth-wide-smile look where you can SEE the empathy, kindness and connection to reality dying.

I want to comment and tell them I'm worried abt them but ik it comes off as condescending. at least one of them is a lot younger than me (19yo) and as someone who went through a version of this at that age, it breaks my heart. I know I may just have to unfollow and let them hit rock bottom on this themselves, but.... Christ! Fuck!!!!

and the worst part is that they all seem totally convinced that they've ESCAPED The Brainrot, that they're COMBATTING it, that they've found the "truth" behind the Brainrot and are the ones (sometimes ~The Only Ones~) who are brave enough to tell the world. its not conspiracy crap, just really REALLY bad takes like

"fandom is inherently anti-intellectual, discourages analysis and understanding of texts and needs to be slowed/stopped/actively fought against BECAUSE FANDOM IS DANGEROUS!!!1!!!1!!!1"

or

"being the CEO of a children's clothing brand automatically puts you at suspicion of being a P3d0 because why else would you look at little children's bodies so much" (this one baffles me fr, like??? where do you think all children's clothes come from if not from people designing and making them?)

like just bad, stupid takes that border on paranoia but also you can kinda see how they escalated from other less drastic Terminally Online mindsets

but these ppl used to be saying stuff that was smart, or at least funny and interesting, and in a lot of cases these opinions/styles of content are 180-degree shifts over a week or even a day

like honey. i mean this with all the care and genuine respect I can give. you're not serving hot takes, you're wrong- but more importantly your behavior is really concerning. you're starting fights in your comments and then putting them on blast in main posts/reels. "the haters" have become a stock character for you. you're doing 180 turns on things that used to be core beliefs. please get offline, like FULLY offline, and re-discover the world for a while- and maybe really do seek help. not in the funny online-insult "seek help". I Am Really Worried About You.

god. fuck. so many of these content creators are like 19 years old, and honestly I wish I could magically be in a role/place/physical location to help them because I'M WORRIED. worried like checking-their-feed-now-scares-me-because-im-worried-they-will-have-harmed-themselves. not because they've made any threats but bc their regular content has shifted so drastically and quickly to be angry, cynical and that kind of smiling-with-nothing-behind-the-eyes self-centered Righteous Hate that is indicative of

well

of something going deeply wrong inside

fuck im sry this is just rly upsetting me rn

(ALSO TO BE CLEAR. THIS IS NOT A VAGUEPOST TO ANYONE ON TUMBLR. THIS IS HAPPENING PRIMARILY OR ENTIRELY ON OTHER PLATFORMS. TUMBLR IS THANKFULLY, FOR THE MOST PART, FAR PAST THIS. TUMBLR IS FOR ALL ITS FAULTS A WELL REGULATED ECOSYSTEM THAT KEEPS THIS KIND OF BS LIMITED TO CERTAIN SMALL ECHO CHAMBERS. ITS WHY IM ON HERE AS MY PRIMARY SOCIAL MEDIA.)

[judasisgayriot]

aw, you missed me :) that’s good to hear, i was worried you almost thought of me as a ‘tumblr writing assignment’. anyways, for the next rant, i’ll give you some creativity. i wanna hear your top three (or less, or more) MESSIEST heroes moments. don’t be shy in the hatred/confusion, give me a full on dissection of the best of tim kringe.

Hi!! You know I love a rant lol, thanks 😂 and best of Tim Kringe? ohhh my god. WELL. Trying to not just say ‘all of season 3’, lol, but season 3 is a MESS and hard to watch. S2 gets a lot of flak but it’s mainly just fucking boring (the feudal Japan stuff is interminable) and I’ll give it some leeway bc writers strike etc. and it has goooood Nathan angst so yay. Season 3 is just fucking Wasted Potential City tho. Like they keep kind of bringing up the kernels of ideas that COULD be interesting but then just dropping the fucking ball or never doing anything good with them or leaving stuff unresolved for no reason or just veering wildly off the road and it’s just ????

Not to turn this into a Sylar rant again lol but this is the point when all of the stuff surrounding him just gets truly stupid. They invent a new retcon backstory for him to try and make you feel sympathetic (infamous ‘my dad sold me to one direction and The Chain by Fleetwood Mac is my trigger’ lol), they flipflop around on him like hell, the Sylar is secretly a Petrelli wait no he isn’t stuff is at least kind of fun in an ‘Angela causing drama and problems on purpose for no real reason’ way lmao but it does lead to him killing Elle when she was in no way involved in any of that and I love her so I’ll never forgive him sry ANYWAY… (he already forgave her for her actual actions of helping the company push him into becoming a killer but then he kills her over something that’s nothing to do with her?? Make it make sense!)

they have the stupid bad future plotline which goes nowhere, is never explained or resolved and is just baffling, plus the return of Gruff Badass Future Peter, my fucking BELOATHED (I’m that rarest of things a five years gone hater tho, lmao), sylar is nice?? In the future bc he has a kid and he can control The Hunger, but Peter like, catches The Hunger from him and now he’s A SCARY KILLER AHH (for all of 2 minutes before they just like, drop that completely and then never mention it again. Much like the rest of the clusterfuck that is s3.)

Okay so all of that mess but actually The Hunger top one Tim Kringe moment, it just truly makes no fucking sense as a way to try and explain why it’s actually not poor Sylar’s fault he’s a serial killer lmao. It’s truly just nonsense pulled directly out of their asses with no relation to what came before it. He already has a motive, I understand why he does what he does just fine! He’s fine as a villain just stop this!! Stop. This isn’t healthy. Lmao

Anyway. Next up how Nathan’s villain arc makes no sense. I’ve said this before but I can absolutely see villain!nathan working as a concept and I would have enjoyed it, he does already have that deep self-loathing of his own powers and just does not really understand what the ‘right thing to do’ is, understanding morality on an innate level is a real struggle for him and I actually love the scene where he asks Peter, he of fierce moral convictions and Nathan’s only real arbiter of morality, what he should do. He’s so sincere in that but future!peter just says ‘do the right thing’ which is no help at all lol, anyway so having him get to the place of helping to oppress people with powers would not be a stretch!

But they do this bizarro world version of it where Nathan buys into his dad’s plan (I get it, Nathan has always been subdued/controlled by his father and the ‘I made you’ scene makes me shiver too. He’s truly just a tool to Arthur.) but then. Then peter scuppers that plan (which is to CREATE MORE powered people with the serum or whatever), Nathan is so angry that Peter knocked over his Vats Of Stuff that he commits some very (IMO) OOC violence on him with a pipe, then turns around and does a complete 180 and now instead of saving the world by making more people with powers because he believes that’s the only way to stop bad things happening - I believe that he’s made himself believe that - he now suddenly wants to lock up all the people with powers instead. Again, I understand how he could get to that point theoretically, but it’s like they did a mad libs telephone version of that plot arc! It’s like the season is missing a bunch of scenes that make those actions make any sense!!

Also don’t get me started on his death, like I enjoy s4 for all the angst it provides that hinges on this, but they do the truly stupidest thing possibly imaginable… they have established Claire’s blood can bring people back to life already, she’s IN THE BUILDING and they still try and?? Get Matt to try and put Nathan’s thoughts into Sylar’s body instead?? I understand Angela might be momentarily crazy with grief but Noah is complicit, should have some common sense and ALSO WAS LITERALLY BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE WITH CLAIRE’S BLOOD. It makes you want to shake everyone involved by the shoulders lmao

Listen I do actually love this show and even s3 has some great stuff to chew on (flashbacks to Petrelli family/Arthur backstory drama, Company founders flashbacks and lore, delirious religious mania Nathan who’s having mental breakdowns live on television and hallucinating) and like I said, a lot of stuff that COULD have been great, so that’s why all this mess annoys me so much lol.

Also for a sin that DOES belong to s2, both Niki’s but ESPECIALLY DL’s deaths are absolute bullshit, and DL deserved so much better Jesus Christ

In conclusion,

[voidsumbrella]

imo hbomberguy's original video was an excellent rundown of the broader plagiarism issue, but todd in the shadows' fact check vid is really the reason im pissed at this specific guy, and gives me a bit less sympathy for people who fell for his shit tbh.

like missing the plagiarism and less like... relevant misinformation is one thing- im actually pretty sure i saw a post about the disney gay day thing go around a while back and went "huh neat" and moved on without checking, because why would i check that sort of thing, i don't care about the history of disney. and while we can collectively raise our eyebrows at people not picking up on the celluloid closet-tier theft, if you don't have any interest in more in-depth queer theory or history i does kinda track that you wouldn't know these books exist. i watch random essays as mildly informative background noise all the time; i'm not going to be able to cite any of the organic chemistry sources referenced, no matter how common knowledge it is in-field.

but holy SHIT so much of the facts he very confidently stated were such blatantly biased horseshit that they really should have pinged more radars than they did. i cannot fucking imagine listening to someone tell me that american soldiers primarily enlisted in wwii because the nazis were just so sexy and not thinking something was up there. claiming that subtlety in western movies wasn't invented until the 1960s while gushing over the homosexual subtext in disney cartoons is insulting to your audience's knowledge of their own pop culture, and also their grasp on linear time. if you thought his dig at western theater being entirely tell-don't-show held any water i have to assume you flunked english from 8th grade on, and have never seen a production in your life.

i have not watched his videos, and im not planning to, but frankly there is no amount of contextual padding that will make his commentary on asian media and culture in general less xenophobic and/or infantilizing. the kabuki/noh mixup and disregard for even reading the wikipedia article before discussing how their narratives work aside, the whole thing about the big scary chinese government padding their action movie box office numbers as propaganda exclusively designed to intimidate western audiences is 1) stupid as hell, and 2) yet another offshoot of the right-of-center sinophobia that's been circulating for the last couple five years and i really don't know why people are so willing to defend themselves by saying it isn't their fault that they uncritically swallowed his racist bullshit or accepted it as confirmation of their own biases.

i think that's actually what bothers me the most here. his entire platform was built on stealing other people's ideas and reframing them to tell his audience what they wanted to hear. and i get it! everyone wants to think they're smart and cool and know the real history behind everything, everyone wants to hear that they can continue to like the stuff they like that other people are pushing back against- attack on titan isn't really facist, disney has always been progressive, china's just as awful as you think it is- it's really easy to get suckered into that!! it sucks to hear someone you trusted is a liar, and it's embarrassing to get called out for believing something false, but some of this stuff crumbles so quickly under any measure of critical thinking that defending taking it as gospel is more of a self-own than anything else.

hopefully the current teardown has reminded everyone that people on the internet are frequently full of shit and passed out a few more tips on how to be smarter going forwards.

[xazz]

I like listening to backlog of Critical Role instead of listening to it week by week. I just... forget

and idk what it is about this campaign but it's gotten less interesting as time goes on. I find myself less and less interested in the characters or the overarching themes and just

I think a big problem I have is that this is a campaign about THE GODS but other than Sam NO ONE played a character with ties or interest to the gods. So it comes across as super hollow and uninteresting when a bunch of non worshipers/agnostics/atheists are deciding the fate of the literal actual gods of the world.

Its a problem I have with a lot of fantasy. There's this huge dynamic religious system but none of the characters engage with it in any meaningful way.

Listening to BH argue if the gods are worth saving is so fucking boring because none of them have a dog in the fight. None of them give a shit about the gods except FCG and now Braius. And the only person with anything interesting to say seems to be Dorien because I feel like Robbie actually like... internalized that the gods and religion are important to the world.

'Well I prayed to the gods and they never answered me' yeah man. There's a giant fucking door between you and them. They literally can't answer you. That's the entire point of the door, to keep you two separate because the last time the gods interacted with mortals the Calamity and destruction of all the flying cities happened. It all just feels very flat and meaningless and they keep having these morality conversations on if the gods are worth saving just because they're gods. It's clear the characters don't care and idk if the players really care either.

Idk where this is going. I don't fault Matt for this, he's been building up to his god eater for 10+ years now. Just all the stuff BH is doing when not engaged in this god morality thing is so much more interesting.

Like whatever Imogen has going on with Predathos is interesting but then it gets all mixed up in this Ludanis garbage of 'the gods are bad and shouldn't rule us weh'. Her whole thing with her mom? Genuinely super interesting.

Laudna's story arc is so fucking fascinating. Her fucked up relationship with Delila is chef's kiss.

All the shit going on with Ashton? Primordials? Dunamancy? By far one of the most interesting threads in the campaign that we keep getting dragged away from for this stupid god morality check.

Chetney's slow burn reveal of himself over the campaign has been some of my fave moments in the entire game. Also best character fight me about it.

Fearne has had some interesting stuff going on but I SLEEP on her fucking Ruidus born shit and the shadow lord or whatever. Like I could not care less.

Orym... is there. I've never been super into Liam's characters and Orym is no different. Sad man with big sad feelings of inadequacy now in widowed husband flavor.

And all this cool shit keeps getting derailed by them fumbling through this god morality shit. Like who cares if you think they're worth saving. There is a horrible evil man trying to destroy the way of life for tens of millions of innocent people. Why do we keep asking the gods what the fuck they think????

And it goes back to not committing to the fucking bit about having religion being important in your world building. Like even when Pike shows up she plays off her involvement with the Everlight or her being a chosen of a god. Keyleth and Grog both are like... EMBARRASSED that yeah they talked to gods, nbd.

[bisluthq]

Got any advice on talking to men? I'm so shy and want to get better

so this is gonna be kind of weird advice but I’ll explain why I’m giving it at the end. My advice is, if you’re talking to a romantic prospect, try not think of them as a romantic prospect (I know that’s often easier said than done BUT ALSO if you want to DATE this person then they’re gonna have to be your friend too so there’s no point putting on a bunch of airs and graces and vibes that aren’t you - or the other way round and pretending to be mad chill when you’re not - because eventually they’ll find out lol). I say this because I actually have never struggled to talk to men because I’m bi but tend to, overall, be more attracted to women and I get a lot shyer around women (even when I’m like just trying to make a new friend tbh and I’m partnered and the girl is or she’s straight I get a lot shyer like I get worried she won’t like me 😂 whereas with guys I’m usually like “so he thinks I’m weird fuck him he’s prob weird too” 😂). The one time I can think that I really fancied a guy I didn’t know well was that Gatsby looking mf who had a gf and I wasn’t per se shy but I was just very aggressive in pursuing him and it didn’t go well (I mean we had sec but like the sex was bad and idk why I went to all that trouble).

All of my relationships tbh came out of friendship. All of them like… there was sexual tension and some flirty banter and I thought they were hot but also I just dug them as a person. That one time I tried dating the girl who told me she wanted to get married very soon and stuff and I was like sorta in a complicated breakup process with my ex, the whole problem was she wasn’t that cool like as a person (to me) and I didn’t have tons to say to her and I really couldn’t imagine like what we’d spend the rest of our lives discussing lmao not because she’s stupid or anything but because her interests are competitive outdoor sports like trail running and mountain biking (which I can tolerate like maybe once or twice a year if that), beach holidays (which are really not my fave type of holidays) and like non fiction. The only stuff we connected on was talking about historical lesbians because she loves history and reading about lesbians and so do I and we both like to laugh so we sent each other jokes but otherwise we didn’t really have much to talk about so no amount of me trying to feel less shy around her (and I did feel quite shy) would’ve fixed that. And that WAS a girl I was pursuing specifically to date/marry not just to see how it goes lol which again I think is why I got shy and listened to a lot of stuff about mountain biking and nodded and seemed interested.

so basically my advice is be yourself and don’t treat it as a job interview. Maybe they’re a cool person and you could be friends. Maybe you’ll be more than friends. Maybe y’all don’t click and it’s nobody’s fault. Idk. Talk to them, see what y’all have in common or what differences make them interesting to you, and go from there.

Also tbh boys are so stupid overall lol like obviously not every guy wants to fuck you and definitely not every guy wants a relationship with you but I’m gonna be dead honest, presuming a guy is single and he’s flirting with you like… fucking him is not gonna be difficult for you to achieve. Whether that becomes a relationship or not is obviously a whole other kettle of fish but yeah idk talk to men… normally lol. Ask them what they like, what they dislike, send memes, what their hobbies are, trade recommendations. Treat them as any other friend?? Don’t be scared to initiate hangs? (A lot of girls don’t want to “ask boys out” but idk boys actually appreciate that often and also why wouldn’t u lol like if you want to do something and you want to do it with this person, go for it). I mean, obviously some activities that we do early on with girl pals we can’t do with boys (idk like talking about clothes or shopping together or discussing makeup/nails because most boys - but also tbf most butches - just dgaf) but it’s unlikely those will be your only set of interests.

Be yourself idk and if they like you, cool and if they don’t then you guys just weren’t a good fit.

I hope that helped and I’m sorry it wasn’t like “say X to make him fall in love with you” but there isn’t a magic incantation that’ll do that lol. You’ve just got to… be yourself and find someone whose freak matches your freak.

[holeasha]

Goodbye 2023.

I want to start this blog with some things I learned about myself and about life this year:

Do not expect anything from anyone, even the people closest to you.

Do not romanticise past relationships. And do not try to make people come back into your life if they are not receptive. Stop obsessing over a relationship that is simply dead. Some simply have no good ending or revival and that's it. And that doesn't mean it's your fault, because a relationship is about TWO people.

People do not react with less energy because they hate you, sometimes they're going through stuff you might not know about and it's up to them to talk to you about it but once again, not everything is about you. And in doubt: ask the person.

Don't give anybody the power to abuse you just because they do the bare minimum for you. And if even the bare minimum is too much for them, take matters into your own hands, you can do it by yourself.

It's okay to not feel like shit after a breakup, especially if it was already dead in your head. You do not need to feel guilty because things didn't work out, the most important part is that you've been honest from start to finish.

Do not let what people think of you define you, and do not lose interest in what you love because of what people think. If you stop doing what you love, you'll simply be miserable and sad. If you don't, and you keep pushing through, you'll get better, you'll prove all these people wrong and you'll fucking thrive and you'll be so much happier and satisfied.

Don't be jealous. Take people's Ws as an example and not as a kick in the knees. Thrive for better for yourself by hyping people up for their accomplishments. Your time will come too. A person's happiness and fulfilment doesn't mean you don't deserve it as well.

It's not too late. It's never too late to be great. And you're only 22. You're SOOOO young. (Learning that JLo started her singing career at 30 and that a lot of artists were in their 30s/40s at their peak really changed my perspective on a lot of things).

Nobody should pressure you into a box. You can date whoever you want and want whoever you want. It doesn't mean shit. "Oh you're not THIS enough" "you're not THAT enough" SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID PATHETIC BITCH!!!!!! Get a job!!! (That was a little more personal but... do NOT label me. That's it.)

I'll add more l8r if I remember anything else LOL

[finsterhund]

So a talk with my doctor revealed some things.

My ADHD meds are for the most part working as intended and I'm just understimulated and depressed. I need to work towards learning how to aim my brain and attention towards things efficiently. The meds aren't making me lack restraint or anything. Everything else is. Essentially the meds making me sit down and do extensive crying dog research for 12 hours is because that's what I "wanted" (consciously or not) to do. My meds aren't a miracle cure that will magically get me to sit down and work on things I have to work on they just give me the focus to work on things. Which is disappointing but I understand that. I was foolish to think otherwise tbh.

Self control as someone who's obsessive and has psychopathic mannerisms is obviously not my strong suit. We will be looking into switching my antidepressants and anti psychotics so that they mesh better with the mental ability my ADHD meds give me.

In hindsight this makes so much sense that the problem isn't the ADHD meds making me spend 12 hours a day on a special interest but is actually my brain's fault and the meds just allowed me to reach my true potential. Meds aren't going to "cure" who I am and how my brain works. So I need to train myself to have focus (Jedi time lol)

Also I was concerned because the meds were supposedly going to have the side effect of not being tired or able to sleep upon taking them but that didn't happen to me and I could still fall asleep and have depression naps so I thought the meds weren't working. But turns out that's a side effect for people without ADHD. And that having ADHD I can sleep regardless and tiredness is based on what my brain is doing. So the pharmacist shouldn't have told me that they would keep me up and alert because my ADHD, why I'm taking the meds in the first place, makes me different and immune to that. I thought the meds weren't working but now I realize otherwise.

ADHD meds causing my ADHD to not limit my other issues is something I really should have expected. I spoke to other people and they said medicating their ADHD made them have to raise doses of other stuff too. Guess I should have talked around. I was so focused on my ADHD and the meds for ADHD that I didn't factor into it that I don't just have ADHD. There's PTSD and depression and allegedly BPD and maybe autism we still don't know about that and everything else under the sun and I'm grieving and blah blah blah.

I just got worried when I was spending so much time doing internet research but the issue is that I just need to learn to not go all obsessed with everything.

Again, it is disappointing that I can't just take meds and solve all my problems because I don't think I'm able at the present time for significant self improvement because I just want to curl up and die because Cazza isn't here on most days. But whatever.

Again, hindsight is 2020 and of course if I have nothing going for my life and no motivation when I get my ADHD meds I'm going to put my newfound brain power into something stupid but important to me like ripping the internet apart looking for more crying dogs. Foolish as I was for thinking the unmedicated ADHD was the issue with me not wanting to play games or write or draw when it's the fact that my service dog is dead and my disability prevents me from leaving the house on my own making me depressed as fuck that's sapped any and all desire to do anything but research and mope.

Shit life syndrome or whatever. I just wish there was a way to fix it. Therapy again perhaps but phone psychiatrist appointments did not help. Phone therapist appointments did not help. Maybe now that covid is less an issue I can have in person again but gotta find the strength to make phone calls and shit ugh.

My doctor told me I gained weight since last we met which was upsetting to me. But again. My service dog is dead and I don't have a will to live of course I'm eating for pleasure and also can't afford healthy stuff. Once my surgery is done and I'm recovered I'm going to the gym again though. So there's that.

Still no word on that by the way. I was hoping they'd schedule me sooner rather than later.

Also the medicine that's a pain in the ass to take I have to keep taking and I'm upset about that. I have neglected it and I have no stickers in my planner book I'm so sad I'm a failure. Anyways.

Roommate "wants help with bills" again this month of course. But this time he told me today, when I get paid, so it's not being sprung on me surprise again. Still annoying as all hell. He was like "oh maybe I could pay you back with art" but motherfucker I haven't had the desire to commission art since Cazza died that's yet another thing that lost its value to me now that the love of my life is fucking gone I don't know when that'll come back either.

The things in life that gave me purpose and reason and enjoyment are all bitter grey sawdust to me now that she's gone. I wish I knew when that would stop. It's really painful. Again, going back to my ADHD meds. That's the problem. Not the meds. The meds help my ADHD be manageable they won't fix the fact that life is pain and suffering and I miss my baby girl and everything just feels futile and pointless now.

Roommate wants to do group cosplay where he's Obi-Wan and I'm Anakin but 1. I wanted to be Obi-Wan (lol) and 2. I don't have the motivation to get a cosplay together. I don't even have motivation for my ANDY COSPLAY. THAT'S MY FUCKING LIFE I LOVE THAT SHIT. MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BEING ANDY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. THERE WAS A TIME BEFORE CAZZA BUT THAT'S SO ALIEN TO ME AT THIS POINT!!!!!?????

But there's a convention around the time that I should be getting my surgery at the latest (just my luck it will be then) so I don't even know if I'll be able to. I'm thinking about how I didn't go to conventions last couple years because Cazza was sick and I stayed home to take care of her it feels weird and not possible that I can go to conventions now because my brain is still programmed to stay home to take care of her.

I miss her so fucking much man. I hate this.

I really related to today's episode of the Bad Batch where Omega was missing Echo but expressed that by being upset the ship got stolen. Because that's exactly how my brain works. I guess it makes sense because my brain is a literal child.

In my extensive search for the crying dog I basically went through a hundred years of sears catalogs (yeah I told you didn't I?) And it gave me such a respect for vintage stuff and a more understanding of how stuff progressed I guess.

It feels stupid to say but part of me wishes I could have been raised in the stupid 1950s American dream suburb white picket fence boy wearing a striped shirt with a bicycle nuclear family picture perfect magazine ass childhood. You know. I wish my life could have been a Rockwell painting sometimes. I should be grateful I was born in the 90s and got the internet and shit but idk I just wish I got one of those magical "good families" that only ever seemed to have existed in fiction to me. The 50s weren't a good time to be a minority and there was the looming threat of nuclear war and all that shit but the advertisement photos look so cozy. I crave that normalcy I guess. I need to understand that even a good childhood didn't resemble those superficial staged photos.

Maybe dreaming about a 50s childhood is an improvement from my desires to be a caveman. Maybe not. Who fucking knows. I think the underlying issue is that I wish I was raised being wanted and loved and with security and a sense of community. Blah blah blah.

To be honest Anakin being a whiny brat with issues and a violent underlying darkness makes more sense for me to cosplay because that's me lol.

This I realize is a massive rambling and all that shit but idk. I just know people want updates on my life to know I'm okay.

I guess I am okay. I'm getting by at least. Grieving and inflation are my biggest issues. I'm so mad the cost of living keeps going up but my disability income hasn't changed since covid started. Man fuck.

Wish I could have my own place. I want a nice little farmhouse cottage sorta shit with an upstairs bedroom with slanted ceiling and my own living room and a yard and blah blah blah.

The ADHD meds confusion is starting to be funny to me now. It absolutely lets me stay focused on what I set out to do. It's just something that wasn't responsible or advisable to have chosen in the first place.

I am going to try to force myself into focusing on actually making crying dogs. Or playing a game. I don't know what caused me to stop making the dogs this time. Working with the felt was so good maybe I had issues with the actual fabric. Who knows.

I think that's everything. I'll try to update more.

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

cw emotional/psychological abuse (im ok dw just. more reflecting)

ive been rereading my journal and got to the bit where im dissecting my exs callout post about me. looking back its kinda hilarious cus if you have the tiniest ounce of critical thinking skills, youll immediatley see that he contradicted himself several times in his own post and his ridiculous assertions just get better with age. heres some highlights

 calling himself a “kid” at 23 while slagging me off voraciously for stuff that i did at 22 and 23, 4+ years before this callout post and some of it before he even met me

 making a huge deal about a 19 & 23 (up to 23 & 27) age gap like its pedophilia lol

 accusing me of ableism in literally the same sentence as dunking on me for my autism symptoms, then doing it again several times more in the next paragraph, like blatant ableism in the same breath as accusing me of ableism, sure thing hon

 misrepresenting events where he deliberately provoked me, leaving out important information and saying I was “playing the victim” cus i told people that the two (2!!) incidents of alleged “abuse” were in direct response to some particularly nasty shit hed been throwing at me

 accusing me of making him homeless when i literally saved him from homelessness several times

 accusing me of manipulating him to be polyamorous when he was literally dating someone else when we got together lmao (as was I & we were all fully aware, just like in a regular consensual polyamorous situation) (iirc he also had a side fuck that his partner didnt know about so really doing great monogamy there, being manipulated into evil polyamory by evil me)

 accusing me of cheating when i told them i was dating someone, who they fully well knew i was getting close to and wanting to date, who they told me was okay if I wanted to date them. they forced me to break up with that person and apologise over months, agreeing at one point that it wasn’t actually cheating, but then conveniently it was cheating again whenever he needed something to hold against me

anyway ive still not fully recovered from being used up quite thoroughly and emotionally abused and gaslit and accused of the worst kinds of things because after years of torment I snapped a couple times. I still find it in my mind sometimes to miss him and wanna reach out and then I remember how it felt to be with him and then how it felt to *not* be with him and how it felt to be punished for not being with him, and then to be punished just for existing, i guess. being accused of punishing him when i was having emotional reactions or tried to distance myself cus being around him made me want to kermit. funny how thats his choice of words as well and how being with him changed me fundamentally and i am still very much working on undoing the damage, i suspect it will take a long while. meanwhile hes prancing around in la and probably has forgtten completely that i even exist. which is wild considering he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me for so fucking long. its my fault also because i let him, but i was young and stupid, (in his words) just a kid at 23.

he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me - and I let him; when you put it like that, it’s absolutely no wonder it blew up completely in our faces. And as the older one and the supposedly more experienced one, I guess it would have been on me to not let him put all that on me. I didn’t know much at the time though, pretty sure I didn’t even know what boundaries were (much less how to set, communicate and enforce them). But also I was interested in him and wanted to get closer and I think even then I knew that if I failed to give him whatever tf he wanted, he would just leave and probably call me toxic. Idk why it ever seemed like a good idea to get close to him. I just dont know anymore but I guess I did learn a lot from that relationship. Including not to let people like that get that fucking close to me again.

[balestrem]

Quiet quitting is one of the most bizarre things to me to be discussed in 2022. 

It’s mostly bizarre to me, because of the entitlement older generations have towards younger generations and the ignorance they enforce upon my generation, especially in Germany, where I grew up.

You have older generations, usually the generation of my parents, calling us lazy, unable to work well under pressure, etc. I’d like to give insight into the fact that our school system was designed to recreate a work-like state from the age of six. You go to school, learn stuff, go home, do unpaid labor, called “homework”, which has to be good, otherwise you’re labeled as stupid and unable to keep up and have to repeat a year in school. I partially had a workload of 12 hours per day, not because I was poorly structured, but because I had four school subjects per day, with four different kinds of homework which all required at least 30, if not 90 minutes of investment, to do homework properly. Add to that my dyslexia and you get at least 30 minutes more than others. But even non dyslexic students sat there for hours doing homework. I even had my mother do my homework for me, because the work load was too much. Let that sink in.

Then you have a system that rewards pupils who are never sick, by pointing out how there is one kid in class with the most sick days, as though it is their fault that they get sick. Meanwhile you have underpaid and overworked school staff who cannot handle instances of bullying accordingly, resulting in pupils being more sick, especially mentally due to continuous bullying. You create a place that is literally designed to be hostile to human nature, by forcing people to sit still for multiple hours a day, move during breaks to „prevent health problems“ in the future, but give so much homework that hobbies and personal interests can barely be done, and usually if one performs bad at school they have to quit their hobbies because they need to focus more on school or they have their parents cancel their hobbies for them (if they could afford a hobby to begin with), resulting in more stress, because of less possibilities to destress. Then you have heavy school bags that literally fuck up people‘s backs for life, because they have to carry like 10-20kgs of books and folders per day (this was my reality, I kid you not). Then we had no proper food at our cafeteria (for the first four years we had no cafeteria at all, but had to go to school until 3 or 4pm, with no proper food). 

Then you have weird power dynamics with teachers who bully you and abuse their power and give you bad grades, just because they think a person with dyslexia should not get the chance to go to university, thereby giving them bad grades, by not answering any of their questions during exams (also something that happened to me and other students as well). And if it’s not dyslexia there is another aspect that a teacher will hate about you and mock you for and treat you like you’re less than a human being than others.

Then we entered a school system that was changed by graduating one year earlier to go to university sooner in Germany, but the school books were not ready for that so we had to carry two books per subject at times, because the subjects we discussed required two books of two school grades. We had no coherent teachings and had to read a lot of stuff at home, by our selves, because the curriculum to teach us properly was not yet developed. And we were asked to understand it all and there was never time for any questions.

Then we finish with a degree, have terrible payments, cannot afford a reasonable lifestyle and are forced to suck it up. Then we have shortages in almost every area, a pandemic we went through a financial crisis, a war that effects the economy and destabilizes a lot in other countries, we have a climate crisis which no politican seems to take seriously enough to do proper change, basically my generaiton in Germany will not have any rent and no positive prospects for the future. Far right extremism seems to be on the rise world wide.

I had my first burn-out in fourth grade and had to go to therapy, because school life was so tough and nobody did anything. I had a parent at home who created immense pressure and guilt if I failed, who regularly assaulted me verbally.

And now our “generation is just lazy”? That shoe just doesn’t fit.

[robosucka]

(the OP of this post politely asked if i could say more about why I think it is stupid. I am happy to do so because I care deeply about this stuff and want people to have access to the better versions of the ideas Sam Kriss is ripping off for his substack, and also because if I saw Sam Kriss in the street i would rip his liver out with my teeth. Hi, Sam. Stay the fuck away from conventions or I'll kill you in real life.)

First, a condensing of his essay as I understand it. In 6,200 words Mr. Kriss makes the following points:

(1) we live Online but didn’t used to; we may not live Online in the future; the Internet brings us “low-res” ‘minimum viable products’ that guarantee happiness but never go past their minimum; that people agree that the fire hose of Online has “destroyed their attention spans”; (2) “there is nothing there” online; “pouty nineteen-year-old” “nymphets” found out I grope women and don’t like me anymore; people don’t write first novels anymore they’re writing second and third novels and I like those less; (3) petroleum is awesome; extractive capital is the only “real” form of growth; a strange assertion that nobody wanted to touch Saudi oil money; and finally the 2010′s canard: ‘data is the new oil’ (but NOT in an AI training corpus way, the only way that could possibly be true); social media is bad because of Islam (??); communicating online about social justice is inherently pointless because “our global miracle of psychic togetherness” (this is my phrase, in fairness, but also in fairness, I am an outsider artist with very sincere opinions about this stuff), he says that that miracle is fundamentally Saudi; “as if the entire terrain of combat wasn’t [sic] provided by a nightmare head-chopping theocratic state”. (?????)

He returns to sensible good ideas from other people, instead of his own half-remembered misquote of Cyclonopedia. He says hey, targeted ads don’t work (they don’t); web3 isn’t cool (it isn’t); “the ship’s rats” are “stripping the galley” as it sinks. That’s true, but it’s not even a complaint about media OR forms of communication, it’s a diagnosis of the vampires robbing everyone and calling themselves Private Equity Firms, he just sneaks it in there and hopes you won’t notice he’s run out of examples. Section (4) is totally incoherent; he’s mad at TV but blames the Internet; he’s mad at USAmerican politics but blames the Internet (instead of sensibly deciding to kill a Congressman with a brick); he’s mad that people know he’s a sex pest (and blames the Internet for letting them find out). He agrees with most people that the George Floyd protests did not fundamentally change America’s founding sins of racism and brutal violence (and, bizarrely, blames the Internet). In his shortest section, #5, ostensibly his thesis, he simply predicts that “[p]rint magazines will outlive Substack”. okay thanks so much let’s hit the bong real quick i love you for reading this

Here’s what’s wrong and who he’s ripping off. A lot of the time Mr. Kriss wants to complain about something a company does to people, but he gets mad at the people who decide to do it. “Short attention spans”, the uselessness of “the time you give over to the machine” - to him, this is your fault, is my fault, and he’s not at all interested in even figuring out whether or not any of it is Meta or Twitter or Alphabet’s fault (even though it’s mostly Meta or Twitter or Alphabet’s fault). He also says the only solution is that “there is still time to do something else[...] giving me[...]money” so that he can “create something that is not like the Internet”. “People claim to be deeply worried by this stuff, but I think you secretly like it”, he negs. Please subscribe to my Substack. Please give me money. I used to have subscribers and money and now I don't and I miss them both. Sections 1, 2, and 3, in these I think sam kriss is writing, y’know, hey I read some stuff and talked about it with smart people over drinks a couple years ago and here’s what I remember from that. He’s “right” in that he is repeating smart people smart ideas about the real world, but he’s ‘wrong’ in the ways he lacks their ability to contextualize those ideas. 3′s stress on oil dollars and Saudi petrocapital, one of the longer and more interesting ideas in the VERY LONG essay, is a ripoff of and sad misunderstanding of the stuff in Reza Negarestani’s Cyclonopedia, a book that a lot of people read the year it came out and which very few people have read since. Cyclonopedia is an impressive piece of literature about the sentience of oil and the petro-political ramifications we all live in. Negarestani is another one of those CCRU types like Nick Land (Fanged Noumena) and Mark Fisher (Flatline Constructs) who are mostly relevant for giving people like Richard Spencer zoom interview backdrops of a bookshelf. On BeReal: I use BeReal and Mr. Kriss obviously does not; he is mad about the way he assumes the app works, but it doesn’t work that way (you can post “lates” and my friends - we are in our 30s - normally do post “late” by an hour or two). He says man, these millenial women, they’re taking photos of the thing they’re doing at the time they’re supposed to take that photo, and they’re posting it on the app that tells them when to take that photo and what it should look like. and, again, just like social media, it’s still women’s fault for not writing novels instead. How progressive. The stuff about ‘cancel culture’ is so obviously just “sex pest mad people found out about him” that I won’t bother to discuss it but c’mon obviously that is stupid. right? Thanks!

[killerlookz]

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐌𝐞 𝐎𝐮𝐭 | Brian Wilcox x Gn! Reader

description: a fic very loosely! based on im not okay by my chemical romance in which, reader often seeks out their best friend brian's help regarding their failing relationship with their boyfriend, but never seems to listen. and brian gets frustrated that reader won't break up with their boyfriend for more reasons than just them not being treated right.

content: lots of angsty teen stuff. vague reference to leaked intimate photos. best friends to "enemies" (using that word loosely) to lovers, angst, cheating, comfort, first kiss, fluff!!! (happy ending)

word count: 3285

"I just don't understand why you have such an interest in us breaking up!" You snapped, staring at your best friend's expressionless face as he sits on the edge of your bed. Suddenly, that changed, his eyebrows furrowed, and he grimaced, shaking his head.

"Why?" He retorted with equal force to you, throwing up his arms in disbeleif, "Because he fucking treats you like shit!"

"Not like shit, Brian. You're being overdramatic." You cross your arms over your chest defensively.

"Like SHIT y/n, I'm not having this argument with you again." He runs a hand through his greasy black hair, the strands lifting up from their spot thrown over his forehead as they fall through his fingers. "You know y/n, you claim to have all these fucking problems, but you don't, everything wrong in your life would just be solved if you broke up with him, and I keep telling you this, and you never fucking listen, I have no advice left to give you, I'm sick of hearing about this, I'm worn out." He rants.

"Brian!" You scold in a weak, faint voice, tears welling up in your eyes. "Well, who's the one treating me like shit now?" You huff.

"Don't start with that," He gestures his pointer finger at you, shaking it up and down. "You told me you wanted my honest opinion, I'm being honest, it's not my fault you don't want to hear it."

"Well you tell me he treats me like shit but never tell me why all you say is to break up with him. I feel stuck, like I have no other options."

"Don't tell you why?- Because you do that for me. Every. Single. TIme you bitch to me." Brian sighs, frustration deep within his heavy breaths. "Come on y/n, don't be stupid, everyone's seen those pictures he took of you."

Your throat goes dry and you swallow viciously while sucking in a hard breath through your nose. Your face contorts with discontent, and your jaw clenches. For a moment you're suddenly transported back to the most humiliating weeks of your life. You can still feel the stares of your judgemental classmates burning into your body, with knowing eyes, aware of parts of you that they shouldn't have been. You can hear their whispers and giggles swarm around your head.

"That was fucking low, Brian." A tear rolls down your face which you quickly wipe away using the entire back of your hand. You shake your head, knitting your brows, "It was an accident-" You choke.

"You and I both know that's not true." Brain mutters.

"Why are you being so cruel." Your voice begins to crack as you can feel a sob coming on. Brian's reaction isn't exactly what you expected, most times you ranted about your boyfriend Brian was usually there to give you a hug, and to comfort you. Sure, he'd usually tell you to break up with your boyfriend, (in less friendly terms than that), but still, he'd at least always offer some sort of positivity.

Brian takes a deep inhale, "Because," then he exhales, "You wear me out."

"Do I?" You sneer, unsure of whether to be more sad or angry.

"Look, I don't mean to like make you upset, or let you down, or whatever," He speaks rapidly, shaking his head and screwing his eyes shut tight. "But I think it's better off you if you just hear the truth."

"But Brian," You sigh, "I can tell you're not telling the whole truth."

"That's on you." He crosses his arms, "I'm not arguing anymore, I have my own shit to worry about, I can't keep dealing with your problems. Try taking a good hard look at yourself sometime, and maybe you'll actually understand where I'm coming from."

You don't respond, only staring at Brian through misty eyes. As your breath falters, trying your best to hold back a full-on sob, you try took look for some semblance of warmth from Brian, just an ounce of comfort. Despite how upsetting Brian's words were, you knew that just the smallest amount of consolation would make you feel better, even if he just gave you a loose hug, that always worked, that always made you feel better, why couldn't he just do that?

"I gotta go," he huffs, "See you around."

You can't bear to look at him as he gets off his spot on your bed. You continue to say silent, your arms crossed around your chest, looking down at your legs. You can hear the sound of his footsteps walking out of the room, and the door closing on his way out, the shutting sound signaling you were now alone was an immediate trigger for the tears to come falling down your cheeks.

That's just it. You were alone.

The one person in your life that you could count on to make you feel better in times of need just walked right out the door without an ounce of hesitation. What were you to do now? Cry to your boyfriend about it? That would go over well. 'Hey babe, I really need someone right now, my best friend just stormed out of my room because he got frustrated about me always complaining about you.'

You sighed, throwing your head back on your pillow, your tears now running sideways down your face. The worst part is, you knew Brian was right. You had to break up with your boyfriend, and that would solve all of your problems. The two of you weren't in love, you weren't even sure that you had ever been. But with no boyfriend, how could you possibly deny your actual feelings for-

"Y/N! DINNER!" You heard your mother scream from the kitchen, cutting your thoughts off completely. Shit, you quickly wipe away the tears from your eyes, not in the mood to be questioned on why you were crying over dinner. You take a few deep breaths in and out, preparing yourself to act at least somewhat normal before heading out to eat dinner.

You walked into the kitchen and your mom greeted you with a confused look on her face,

"I thought Brian was staying for dinner."

-

It had been a few days since your argument with Brian, and you hadn't talked to him since. Truth be told, you weren't doing well, not at all. The last few days had been full of nothing but tension and tears for you. Every time he'd pass you by in the hallway you were ignored, he wouldn't even spare you a glance. He'd usually avert his eyes and turn to talking to Amber, or one of his other friends.

It hurt Like, really fucking hurt.

You couldn't stand the feeling it gave you every time he passed you by, the way your heart dropped, and your stomach flipped. You couldn't count the times you felt yourself nearly throw up in the last couple of days alone.

Not having Brian around was far worse than any heartbreak you ever experienced. It had only been a couple of days, and it wasn't like he loathed you or anything, but you'd almost felt like a part of you was missing without him around. It felt stupid to say, he was just some greasy teenager, but you never really realized how complete he made you feel.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, seemed happier than ever. Glad you finally ditched that "loser" Brian. He'd never really enjoyed having Brian around, and you usually had to fight to try to let him hang out with you whenever your boyfriend was around.

You sighed, placing your head in your hand as your arm rested on your desk. Your last period teacher was ranting and raving about something, you couldn't have been less interested. You picked up your heavy head and raised your arm way up.

"Yes y/n?" The teacher shot a look your way.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" You ask, desperate to get out of class.

"I'm in the middle of a lecture-"

"Okay, but I have to go to the bathroom."

"Fine. Go." She responded reluctantly before getting back onto her tangent.

You're relieved the teacher did not put up much of a fight, and begin to slip out of the classroom, into the dismal halls of the school building. You had no real destination, you didn't actually have to use the bathroom, only the desire to roam around aimlessly to try and clear your head. The poorly-lit, decaying classrooms filled with far too many people you didn't like tended to get pretty stuffy really quickly.

You tried to think of nothing else other than the sound of your footsteps as your beat-up old vans hit the dirty tile floor with every step you took. You let the quiet thudding sound sort of put you into a trance until you heard a voice around the corner.

"Oh forget them," You heard an all-too-familiar voice say, "They'll never know." It was your boyfriend. You stopped dead in your tracks, not really wanting to be seen by him and have any sort of interaction, but you were also very intrigued as to what he was talking about. You inched closer against the wall he was on the other side of, just around the bend. You were meer feet away but he had know knowledge of your presence.

"Are you sure?" You heard another voice say, a girl this time, you recognized the voice as a friend of your boyfriend's that had hung out with the two of you from time to time.

"Positive, they'll probably be home crying tonight or something, too emotional to even realize or even care where I am."

You felt your muscles stiffen at the sound of his words, certainly, he wasn't talking about you, was he?

"Don't be a dick." The girl giggled.

"I'm not baby, it's just the truth, they're such a downer. I need some fun in my life."

Baby? You listened onwards, feeling your blood begin to- not boil, but simmer. You were nearly certain he was talking about you, and why was he calling her baby?

In a surprising move of bravery you peered around the corner, hoping to god the two of them didn't see you. As you peeked just your head down the hall you could see them standing a decent distance away, the girl with her back pressed against a locker, and your boyfriend hovering over her.

Some fucking nerve he had. Doing this in public? Not even having the decency to break up before going after someone else?

You couldn't even find it in you to be sad right now, you bit down on the inside of your cheeks, surpressing a cackle of utter disbelief at what you were witnessing.

"Okay," The girl smirked before catching her bottom lip in her teeth, "I'll see you at 8 then?"

"On the dot." Your boyfriend smirked back.

"See you then."

Your boyfriend leaned down from his spot standing over her, pressing a kiss onto the girl's cheek. If only he knew you were here to see this right now.

You quickly swung your head back from around the corner and began heading back the way you came, hoping that neither of them would also walk this way and run into you.

Your legs trembled under you as you walked, and you feared that they might give out any second now. Your breath shook and you could barely get a decent-sized breath in or out.

God, if you'd just listened to Brian and broken up with your boyfriend when he first told you to none of this would have ever happened, and you'd still have your best friend.

You walked right past your classroom, unable to functionally act like a human, right now there would have been no way that you could sit down for the remainder of class and not freak out. You swallowed hard, trying your best to repel a sob, or maybe a laugh, perhaps even somewhat of both. You had no clue how to react, what even was the proper emotion to witnessing your boyfriend cheating on you? Probably being sad. But you didn't feel sad, no, not in the miserable cry yourself to sleep sort of way. Not in the keep your head down low not talking to anyone sort of way. Instead, you felt like you had to jump out of your own skin. Nothing in your body felt right, everything was uncomfortable. You couldn't stay still, your jaw, your breath your hands, they all shook.

There was a bubbling in your throat, not of the painful lump that precedes a cry, but a burning, one that could only be soothed by screaming at the top of your lungs, a sensation that could only be quelled by a presentation of your flaming anger.

You postulated that perhaps you'd probably be sad later, once you experienced the comedown of all this disbelief and anger. And you dreaded that too, you didn't know which emotion you'd prefer, both seemed positively unbearable.

On your aimless journey down the hall, you passed a clock hung up on a depressingly beige wall, glancing up at it with nearly teary eyes you realized there were only five minutes left in the day. A slight relief. You blinked away the forming tears in your eyes and began your shaky journey back to the classroom to get your things.

"Thank you for deciding to come back." Said your teacher, giving you a disappointed glare as you walked in the room.

"There was a line." You grumbled, heading back to your seat at the back of the room.

Defeatedly, you threw yourself back into your seat and anxiously watched the clock. Time had never seemed to move so slow as it did now, each passing second hand teasing you, bringing you closer and closer to the end of the day. Even with the minute amount of time left that burning uncomfortableness inside of you made you want to just get up and run out right there.

Then finally, the shrill ringing of the dismissal bell. It's ear-shattering high pitched tone was absolute music to your ears right now as you nearly ran out the classroom door, and pushing passed the hoards of people in the hallway.

You'd never felt so claustrophobic in your life, the dozens of students lining the hall suffocated you as they prevented you from the sweet release of being out of the school building. You pushed, and pushed, and pushed, being an absolute nuisance to everyone you came in contact with, but right now you really did not care. Then finally- you stepped outside.

The contact with the fresh air was not the cathartic release you were hoping it to be. Rather, you stepped outside and realized you no longer had anything further to look forward to, nothing else that you thought perhaps could free you of this feeling. You ran a hand through your hair, tugging on the strands a little out of pure stress. Your eyes roamed the courtyard of the school, looking out on the sea of students leaving for the weekend.

Then- you spotted him, Brian, walking alone to his car. Fuck it. You needed to do something. Talk to someone. You began walking in that direction, your legs picking up at an unreasonably fast walking pace.

You made your way to Brian's old, beatup car, he hadn;t noticed your presence right outside his passenger window. You peaked in the dirty window, you could see him in the drivers seat, head down with various CD cases strewn upon his lap, his shaggy hair falling in his face.

You tapped on the window, feeling the sun-warmed glass under your knuckle. Slightly startled Brian looked up, his face turning to one of confusion, or maybe it was disgust as his eyes locked with yours. You were having none of it. You knocked again.

"Open the fucking door Brian." You barked through the glass. Shaking his head in perhaps confusion, he leaned over the console and pulled up the lock on the door. Before Brian could even sit back down completely you were tugging on the door handle, and flinging yourself into the passenger seat of Brian's car.

"What the hell, man?" He asks as you get in.

"Save it, Brian." You snap.

"What did I do?" He asks, throwing his arms up defensively. You turn over to the side and glare at him, "Point taken." He sighs sitting back in the driver's seat. "Whatever," He shakes his head, "What are you doing here?"

"I've sat in your car a million fucking times why are you questioning me now?" You're vaguely aware of your harshness towards Brian, but part of you feels like he maybe deserves it... just a little.

"God, rough day?" He asks unsympathetically,

"I'm okay." You look him dead in the eyes. Brian turns to look at you,

"This is okay to you? Aggressively throwing yourself into my car and snapping at me after not talking for four days?"

"I said I'm okay Brian." You insist, not really keen on telling him the whole cheating situation, nowhere near being in the mood for his 'I told you so's'

"Don't fucking tell me it's him again."

You sit up a little from where you're sat in the passenger seat, inching closer to Brian's face,

"Listen to me," You raise your eyebrows, trying to emphasize your words, "I'm telling you the truth, trust me, Brian, I'm okay- I mean it."

Brian sits up in his seat as well, bringing himself closer to you. His face is so close to yours, you're looking him deep in the eyes, trying your absolute hardest not to start crying to him.

"Look man, I know I said I'm sick of hearing your problems but you don't have to lie to m-" Suddenly he's cut off when you lean forward, pressing your lips to his. What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck did I just do that? You thought. You pulled away quickly, that sick feeling entering your stomach again after realizing what you did. You could feel yourself on the verge of throwing up. Your eyes darted around the car quickly as Brian stared at you in disbelief, you felt compelled to run out of the car, to leave here, and never ever show your face in Cody ever again.

"Oh my god Brian I'm so sorry I don't know what I was thinki-" Suddenly you were the one being cut off this time, Brian's lips pushing against your own. A sense of relief washed over you with this kiss, his hand comes up and holds your cheek. Brian's kissing is sloppy and inexperienced, and you can't help but to notice the faint smell of french fries on his hoodie sleeve, but you don't mind at all.

It's a little overwhelming, actually, the way he's holding your face close to his, the way your lips work together, literally everything else that's been going on the last few days. You feel a tear roll down your cheek, and Brian must have felt it brush up against one of his fingers because he pulls away, your face still cupped in his hand.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks again.

"Im not," You sniffle, shaking your head, "I'm not okay." Tears falling down both of your cheeks now. Brian raises his other hand to your face, wiping the stray droplets away with his thumbs

"Do you want to talk abou-"

"Please just kiss me again." You beg desperately.

"Of course." He nods eagerly.

a/n: finally a non eddie fic!! i've been on SUCH an mcr kick recently so i obviously had to write for my fav emo boy :,) ... sorry if this fic is a little uhh... teen angsty... but look at brian... that man is the EPITOME of teen angst. hope everyone enjoyed :)

[rubylane]

*   𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐑  𝐁𝐘  𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐀  𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐎  .      lyric starters from sour, change pronouns as needed.

𝐛𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐥 .

❛   i  want  it  to  be ,  like ,  messy .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  insecure .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  caught  up  in  the  news  of  who  likes  me  and  who  hates  you .  ❜ ❛   they’d  all  be  so  disappointed .  ❜ ❛   where’s  my  fucking  teenage  dream ?  ❜ ❛   i  don't  stick  up  for  myself .  ❜ ❛   i'm  anxious  and  nothing  can  help .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  people  liked  me  more .  ❜ ❛   all  i  did  was  try  my  best .  ❜ ❛   this  the  kind  of  thanks  i  get ?  ❜ ❛   i  wish  i  could  disappear .  ❜ ❛   god ,  it's  brutal  out  here .  ❜ ❛   i  feel  like  no  one  wants  me .  ❜ ❛   i  only  have  two  real  friends .  ❜

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫 .

❛   i  played  dumb  but  i  always  knew .  ❜ ❛   i  kept  quiet  so  i  could  keep  you .  ❜ ❛   ain’t  it  funny  how  you  said  you  were  friends ?  ❜ ❛   you  betrayed  me .  ❜ ❛   i  know  that  you'll  never  feel  sorry .  ❜ ❛   loved  you  at  your  worst  but  that  didn't  matter .  ❜ ❛   but  you’re  still  a  traitor .  ❜ ❛   there’s  no  damn  way  that  you  could  fall  in  love  with  somebody  that  quickly .  ❜ ❛   and  you  told  me  i  was  paranoid .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  that  you  had  thought  this  through  before  i  went  and  fell  in  love  with  you .  ❜

𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 .

❛   i  got  my  driver's  license  last  week .  ❜ ❛   she's  everything  i'm  insecure  about .  ❜ ❛   how  could  i  ever  love  someone  else ?  ❜ ❛   i  know  we  weren’t  perfect  but  i’ve  never  felt  this  way  for  no  one .  ❜ ❛   i  just  can’t  imagine  how  you  could  be  so  okay  now  that  i’m  gone .  ❜ ❛   all  my  friends  are  tired  of  hearing  how  much  i  miss  you .  ❜ ❛   i  kinda  feel  sorry  for  them .  ❜ ❛   they'll  never  know  you  the  way  that  i  do .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you  didn't  mean  what  you  wrote  in  that  song  about  me .  ❜ ❛   i  still  see  your  face  in  the  white  cars .  ❜ ❛   can't  drive  past  the  places  we  used  to  go  to .  ❜ ❛   i  still  fuckin’  love  you .  ❜ ❛   i  still  hear  your  voice  in  the  traffic .  ❜ ❛   you  said  forever .  ❜ ❛   now  i  drive  alone  past  your  street .  ❜

𝟏 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝, 𝟑 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐬 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 .

❛   i  called  you  on  the  phone  today .  ❜ ❛   all  i  did  was  speak  normally .  ❜ ❛   somehow  i  still  struck  a  nerve .  ❜ ❛   you  got  me  fucked  up  in  the  head .  ❜ ❛   never  doubted  myself  so  much .  ❜ ❛   like  am  i  pretty ?  ❜ ❛   i  hate  that  i  give  you  power  over  that  kinda  stuff .  ❜ ❛   it's  always  one  step  forward  and  three  steps  back .  ❜ ❛   i’m  the  love  of  your  life  until  i  make  you  mad .  ❜ ❛   do  you  love  me ,  want  me ,  hate  me ?  ❜ ❛   no,  i  don't  understand .  ❜ ❛   maybe  in  some  masochistic  way  i  kind  of  find  it  all  exciting .  ❜ ❛   which  lover  will  i  get  today ?  ❜ ❛   will  you  walk  me  to  the  door  or  send  me  home  crying ?  ❜ ❛   did  i  say  something  wrong ?  ❜ ❛   did  i  do  something  wrong ?  ❜ ❛   maybe  this  is  all  your  fault  instead .  ❜ ��   i'd  leave  you,  but  the  rollercoaster's  all  i've  ever  had .  ❜

𝐝𝐞𝐣𝐚 𝐯𝐮 .

❛   i  bet  she’s  braggin’  to  all  her  friends .  ❜ ❛   so  when  you  gonna  tell  her  that  we  did  that ,  too ?  ❜ ❛   she  thinks  it's  special,  but  it's  all  reused .  ❜ ❛   do  you  call  her ,  almost  say  my  name ?  ❜ ❛   that  was  our  place .  ❜ ❛   i  found  it  first .  ❜ ❛   do  you  get  déjà  vu ?  ❜ ❛   let’s  be  honest ,  we  kinda  do  sound  the  same .  ❜ ❛   i  hate  to  think  that  i  was  just  your  type .  ❜ ❛   that  was  the  show  we  talked  about .  ❜ ❛   don’t  act  like  we  didn’t  do  that  shit ,  too .  ❜ ❛   a  different  girl  now,  but  there's  nothing  new .  ❜

𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝟒 𝐮 .

❛   well ,  good  for  you .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you  moved  on  really  easily .  ❜ ❛   remember  when  you  said  that  you  wanted  to  give  me  the  world ?  ❜ ❛   you  look  happy  and  healthy .  ❜ ❛   not  me ,  if  you  ever  cared  to  ask .  ❜ ❛   you’re  doin’  great  out  there  without  me .  ❜ ❛   god ,  i  wish  that  i  could  do  that .  ❜ ❛   i’ve  lost  my  mind .  ❜ ❛   i’ve  spent  the  night  cryin’  on  the  floor  of  my  bathroom .  ❜ ❛   you’re  so  unaffected .  ❜ ❛   i  really  don't  get  it .  ❜ ❛   i  guess  you’re  gettin’  everything  you  want .  ❜ ❛   it's  like  we  never  even  happened .  ❜ ❛   what  the  fuck  is  up  with  that ?  ❜ ❛   it's  like  you  never  even  met  me .  ❜ ❛   remember  when  you  swore  to  god  i  was  the  only  person  who  ever  got  you ?  ❜ ❛   you  will  never  have  to  hurt  the  way  you  know  that  i  do .  ❜ ❛   maybe  i'm  too  emotional .  ❜ ❛   your  apathy’s  like  a  wound  in  salt .  ❜ ❛   maybe  you  never  cared  at  all .  ❜

𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 .

❛   ‘cause  i  thought  you'd  like  me  more .  ❜ ❛   tried  so  hard  to  be  everything  that  you liked .  ❜ ❛   stupid ,  emotional ,  obsessive  little  me .  ❜ ❛   i  knew  from  the  start  this  is  exactly  how  you’d  leave .  ❜ ❛   the  nеxt  second,  you  were  gone .  ❜ ❛   you  left  me  there  crying .  ❜ ❛   you  always  say  i'm  never  satisfied .  ❜ ❛   but  i  don't  think  that's  true .  ❜ ❛   all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  for  you .  ❜ ❛   maybe  i’m  just  not  as  interesting .  ❜ ❛   you  couldn't  have  cared  less  about  someone  who  loved  you  more .  ❜ ❛   i’d  say  you  broke  my  heart .  ❜ ❛   but  you  broke  much  more  than  that .  ❜ ❛   now  i  don't  want  your  sympathy .  ❜ ❛   i  just  want  myself  back .  ❜ ❛   don’t  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  be  used  and  discarded ?  ❜ ❛   don’t  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  think  i  deserve  nothing ?  ❜ ❛   don't  tell  me  you're  sorry .  ❜ ❛   feel  sorry  for  yourself .  ❜ ❛   someday  i'll  be  everything  to  somebody  else .  ❜ ❛   you'll  be  the  one  who's  crying .  ❜ ❛   i  don't  think  anything  could  ever  be  enough  for  you .  ❜

𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐫 .

❛   i  thought  my  heart  was  detached .  ❜ ❛   does  she  mean  you  forgot  about  me ?  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you're  happy  but  not  like  how  you  were  with  me .  ❜ ❛   i’m  selfish,  i  know  .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you’re  happy .  ❜ ❛   but  don’t  be  happier .  ❜ ❛   an  eternal  love  bullshit  you  know  you’ll  never  mean .  ❜ ❛   now  i’m  pickin’  her  apart .  ❜ ❛   i  wish  you  all  the  best ,  really .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you’re  happy,  but  don't  be  happier .  ❜

𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲, 𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐲 .

❛   i  kinda  wanna  throw  my  phone  across  the  room .  ❜ ❛   wish  i  didn't  care .  ❜ ❛   i  know  their  beauty’s  not  my  lack .  ❜ ❛   It  feels  like  that  weight  is  on  my  back .  ❜ ❛   i  can't  let  it  go .  ❜ ❛   comparison  is  killing  me  slowly .  ❜ ❛   i  think  i  think  too  much .  ❜ ❛   i’m  so  sick  of  myself .  ❜ ❛   i’d  rather  be  anyone  else .  ❜ ❛   my  jealousy  started  following  me .  ❜ ❛   i  see  everyone  getting  all  the  things  i  want .  ❜ ❛   i’m  happy  for  them,  but  then  again,  i’m  not .  ❜ ❛   i  can't  stand  it .  ❜ ❛   oh  god ,  i  sound  crazy .  ❜ ❛   their  win  is  not  my  loss .  ❜ ❛   i  can’t  help  getting  caught  up  in  it  all .  ❜ ❛   all  your  friends  are  so  cool .  ❜ ❛   yeah,  you're  living  the  life .  ❜ ❛   i  wanna  be  you  so  bad .  ❜ ❛   i  don't  even  know  you .  ❜ ❛   all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be .  ❜

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞 .

❛   know  that  i  loved  you  so  bad .  ❜ ❛   i  let  you  treat  me  like  that .  ❜ ❛   i  was  your  willing  accomplice .  ❜ ❛   i  watched  as  you  fled  the  scene .  ❜ ❛   the  things  i  did  just  so  i  could  call  you  mine .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime .  ❜ ❛   you  used  me  as  an  alibi .  ❜ ❛   i  crossed  my  heart  as  you  crossed  the  line .  ❜ ❛   i  defended  you  to  all  my  friends .  ❜ ❛   you  know  that  i'd  do  it  all  again .  ❜ ❛   it’s  bittersweet  to  think  about  the  damage  that  we’d  do .  ❜ ❛   i  was  doin’  it  with  you .  ❜ ❛   i  say  that  i  hate  you  with  a  smile  on  my  face .  ❜ ❛   look  what  we  became .  ❜

𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐤 .

❛   somehow  we  fell  out  of  touch .  ❜ ❛   hope  he  took  his  bad  deal  and  made  a  royal  flush .  ❜ ❛   don’t  know  if  i’ll  see  you  again  someday .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  that  you're  okay .  ❜ ❛   we  don't  talk  much .  ❜ ❛   i  just  gotta  say  i  miss  you .  ❜ ❛   address  the  letters  to  the  holes  in  my  butterfly  wings .  ❜ ❛   nothing’s  forever .  ❜ ❛   nothing’s  as  good  as  it  seems .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  you  know  how  proud  i  am  you  were  created .  ❜ ❛   i  hope  that  you're  happier  today .  ❜

[tendousthoughts]

HQ Boys Thinking Their S/O Left Them Pt. 4

Character(s) included: Kenma & Suna

Requested by: My sibling who doesn't read my work lmao.

Warning(s): Cursing, Mention of alcohol [Kenma]

Song of the day: Tired by Beabadoobee

A/N: First off please check out my announcements post. It has a lot of important Information in it and I would really enjoy it if you checked it out! Next this is requested by my wonderful sibling. Hopefully you all enjoy- also how's my new stuff..? Tell me if its ugly lmao.. I recommend having the palette/theme set to Goth Rave for the best look- I might make a few things a darker purple though! This might be the last part to this series unless anyone wants a few more!

Where to find all the parts!

Where to find all my content!

Tag(s): @chibiiichann & @corporeal-terrestrial

Kenma

Things were rough after Kenma landed his dream gig. Being a full time gamer had always been and always would be his dream. But now it was reality. He finally made it in the big league. He was finally there. It was perfect.. but soon enough flaws started to appear outside of his career. Which soon turned into flaws in the relationship. Kenma was known to be smart, calculated, and quiet. Even though all those seemed nice at times it was hard. Like any relationship things didn’t always work out. One of those being the communication. To be frank, there was no communication. At all.

You liked to drink and party. Hang out with friends and just live life to the fullest.. but even if you did like that, you loved just to cuddle. Which luckily you and Kenma shared. As time grew and his career finally branched into what he hoped it would, your time of physical affection shortened. Which sucked.. you loved physical affection. It was your love language. You couldn’t help it, whenever you saw him you just wanted to lay and be with him. But now that you couldn’t, you slowly branched out to others for what you couldn’t have. When that worked.. you just stuck with it. Getting drunk with friends and cuddling until one of your more sober friends called up Kenma and told him to pick you up. Kenma hated it. He really hated it. He hated to see you holding on to someone else, it didn’t matter what they looked like, what they identified as, or who they were. All that mattered was they weren’t him so they had no right to be that close.

Kenma likes to play games and stay home. He liked to be somewhere quiet and such. So every week when he had to go to pick you up, he sorta wondered if he didn’t pick you up what would happen..? Of course he wouldn’t do so though.. you had so many people eyeing you.. you were popular with everyone and extremely kind. So if he did leave you.. it would be as easy as it was for you to get a new cuddle partner as to get a new place to sleep. He trusted you.. well he kind of did. He wasn't good at expressing how he felt especially when it came to you or something you liked.

You got black out drunk the night before and when you walked into the kitchen you felt the heavy atmosphere. “Good morning baby..” you muttered rubbing your eyes. Your lips felt dry and your throat was raspy. Maybe you were screaming or something.. whatever it was fun.

“I don’t want you calling me that at the moment.” He stated. Which caught you off guard. Looking up your eyes were met with his. Clear confusion all over your face. “What? Did you really get that drunk to not remember being all over your friend last night..?  Calling them baby and shit. If that’s a name you just throw around please just refer to me as my name..” He muttered.

“Oh you know I didn’t mean too baby.. I love you and you know that.. you're the only one who makes me happy… but right now I'm having a headache so do you mind passing me the coffee..?” you muttered brushing everything to the side which only made him more frustrated with you. you did this every time. You pushed everything that wasn’t in your interest to the side.

“Look at you doing it again. You always do this,” he looked at you annoyed and frustrated. “Pushing everything to the side. Do you not understand how annoying it is to get a call at three in the morning that you're drunk. Not only that but that you're all over someone else. Do you not understand or do you just not care because seriously it's getting hard to think that you are just that, your heads just that blank.”

You were caught off guard. Of course you were, he never responded roughly like that. He never acted so upset with you. To be honest you never really thought about how he had to pick you up and stuff. You never thought about what happened the night before to be frank. You were a party drunk. You liked to sing and dance and cuddle and such. All the things Kenma couldn’t or wouldn’t do with you, you did with anyone else when you were drunk. It wasn’t that you wanted to blame being drunk on acting that way, so you just waited till you did get drunk. It was more, when you were sober you tried to get Kenma to do those things with you. Which most of the time ended badly because you would just be shut down again. “You know I don’t mean to do those things.”

“You don’t mean too?” He looked upset, really upset. You saw him upset often, frustrated with how the game was turning out and such, but this was different. He looked more hurt than anything. “You do it every week. Every single week you go out and drink you go out and party and sing and dance and have the fucking time of your life okay? Then when your all tired and cuddled up with a friend. I get a call to pick you up. When I get there you're either on their lap with your arms around them, on their side and holding them tight, or in between their legs as they cuddle you from the back. Not only that but when I try and help you up you more then half the time push me away, and then say you wanna go home with your ‘baby’! I’m getting sick and tired of it. You wake up the next morning and act as if the whole night you were just thinking of me and how you just wanna cuddle and all this shit. I am so fucking sick of you this. I’m so sick of you drinking. I am so fucking sick of you.” He was shouting. He was pissed and of course he was. But this time he just blew up. He didn’t even wait for a response to anything. “I’m going to go stream don’t fucking bug me.” He walked away walking into his streaming room. Once they slam the door leaving you in utter shock.

It took you a moment to take in everything. You messed up. It was your fault. He was hurt. Your lover was in pain because of your stupid actions. You grabbed your stuff, shoving it into your pocket and walked out. It was hard to think of anything but Kenma right now. Slowly you walked to the park. The leaves fell from the trees, when you looked around you saw couples wearing matching scarves and such. The smell of chai and pumpkin in every corner. Meeting your gaze you saw Kenma’s favorite bakery. Slowly you walked over opening the door and you immediately noticed this pie section. You made your way over biting your lip and you looked up at the sudden voice.

“Y/n.. is that you?” As you eye’s met the other you immediately recognized Bokuto.

“Oh hey.. nice to see you again.” You smiled weakly. Unfortunately your eyes were wet and glossy as soon as you walked into the bakery, and you didn’t know if you could handle pushing down the tears anymore.

“Where’s Kenma..? Are you okay..?” He asked softly, gently rubbing your back as he seemed to be alone at the moment. You didn’t wanna cause any more issues but you couldn’t help it, immediately you started to cry.

“I messed up, I really messed up..” you mutter as he gently leads you to a seat.

“Hey everything will be okay.. just tell me what’s wrong. I know you can work through it okay..? We can do it!” he smiled. He had always been a big brother to you. He knew just what to say to calm you down.

“I got drunk again and this time I just was a mess I guess.. and Kenma seems to be getting tired of me and me doing this. Doing all this dumb shit and messing around. But I just.. I don’t know. I wanna cuddle and hug and go on dates. But Kenma just got his dream job and I don’t wanna fuck it up. I know its so fucking selfish. I shouldn’t do this to him. I know I shouldn’t. I deserve to get yelled at and stuff I mean seriously.. he has to pick me up at three every fucking week because I’m to stupid to tell him how I feel and how I just want to be held and stuff. I just wonder sometimes.. Maybe I am not as perfect as I thought I was for Kenma. He needs someone who can be there for him all the time and I know I just know that I will keep fucking up..” You were shaking. “I mean seriously.. I am not even able to tell him I love him much less tell him about how his job is bugging me. It’s the one thing he wanted to do. The one fucking thing he really wanted to do. I just wasn’t able to support him.. I couldn’t.. I just keep hurting him..” tears were rolling down your face.

“Y/n.. hey it's okay, but he will never know anything if you keep holding it to yourself. Kenma has always been like that. He gets bugged by things but won’t say anything until he is at his limit. He never understood the importance of communication.. and he never ever takes the first steps okay? I understand that you're frustrated but you knew when you got into a relationship with him what type of person he is. You knew he was hard to understand. You told me you did. But I don’t think that you would give up this easily. You and him are the same, there will never be an understanding between you too if you guys don’t talk it out. Okay..? I suggest you get some pie and walk back to talk it out with him. I mean to be honest his stream today seems to be a mess. So it must really be bugging him and it would be better to figure it out sooner don’t you think..?” He smiled softly as you nodded. “Good. I have to go but look if you ever need to talk just message me okay? I’ve got your back!” He smiled, getting up and walking out.

You got up and bought two slices of apple pie and started to walk back. It was going to be tough to do this but you needed to. You knew you needed too.

Kenma couldn’t stay concentrated so the stream only lasted ten minutes before he turned it off and went back out to the living room. Which is when he found out you had left. Sadly his first thought was that you had gone drinking so he called up one of your friends to ask. When he found out you hadn’t he was even more worried. He looked around for a moment before he sat on the couch and held a pillow waiting. Hoping you would come back home. He wanted to fix this. He went too far. He knew he did. He knew he did of course he did. He knew he blew up, he always did and he tried not to but it was so fucking hard.

When you came into the room you immediately saw him lying on the couch cuddled up and crying. “What have I done..” You whispered softly as you made it next to you gently placed the pie down and looked at him. “I am sorry..” he looked up to you a bit and immediately his face changed.

“Oh thank god you're okay..” he whispered softly, “I didn’t me-”

You cut him off, “I messed up. I knew I did and I just want you to listen okay? I love you and I know I rarely say it. For a matter of a fact I can count the amount of times I’ve said it with one hand. I know I need to say it more okay? I know I shouldn’t drink but it is just really hard sometimes.. I just wanna go on dates and hold you and shit and I know it sounds so fucking stupid but sometimes I just get worried that if I do you will get sick of me faster okay..? So I just thought it would be easier to do it with my friends and stuff and get drunk and try to not bug you. You just got your dream job and I just don’t wanna fuck anything up more but I clearly have. I know I’m stupid and inconsiderate and I will think about it more.. just please don’t leave. Please. I will be better I swear.” You tried not to cry but you couldn’t help yourself.

Slowly he pulled you to him and held you tight. “I wasn’t planning to leave you anytime soon.. It is my fault I always don’t pay attention and It ends up hurting you and I know I should try and think about your feelings more. But I get scared to ask about it because I think if I do then you will think something is wrong but clearly that doesn’t work. So I will try to open up more okay.. I love you so much babe.. I love you.” He whispered softly, kissing your forehead.

“I love so so much too.. I love you..” You whispered. It would take time but soon everything would be perfect.. everything would be okay again.

Suna

It was hard to believe that Suna was still playing volleyball. It wasn’t a problem to you at all, to be frank you were glad that he decided to do something he loved. You were glad he wasn’t stuck at a desk all day. It just sucked when he came home all tired and unable to hang out. But maybe it would be the same either way. It just bugged you when he didn’t come home till like twelve and blamed it on practice. You didn’t wanna think that he was lying to you but you never really knew much about volleyball. It could be easily right but it just ticked you off that he came home so late. Claiming that he already had dinner and stuff. But there wasn’t anything you could really do about it. This was his passion. He loved to play volleyball and all you could do was give him your undying love and support.You worked hard, enjoying your job. Though it also got frustrating when your schedules conflicted so you couldn’t hang out but that was just life. There wasn’t anything you could do about it, and that was okay.

Suna got home late again. It was the middle of the night when you heard the shower start. He didn’t even say hello. He knew you were up. He had to know. You always were up when he came in. Mainly because you wanted to make sure he was okay when he got back. You wanted to make sure he got back. You were worried easily but it was going to be okay. Of course it was. You just had to tell yourself everyday and it would be true.. right?

When Suna walked into the room he slowly slipped next to you. “Sorry about the wait angel.. I promise soon I will have time off okay and we can hang out.” He muttered softly as his warm, soft arms wrapped around you. The smell of cherry blossoms radiated off of him. He used your hair wash sometimes, he claimed it made him feel like you were with him all the time and that made him happy. His wet hair touched your back as he held you close.

It was hard to be mad at him when he got like this. He was so soft when he was tired. He always made the same promise. At the beginning you believed him, you waited for it to happen but at this point you just tried to forget that he even said it because it just hurt you more. Of course it did. You were holding on to this stupid hope that he will get more time to hang out. That hope that soon everything would be okay. “It’s okay baby.. get some rest okay..?” You muttered softly. You turned your head slightly, kissing his head as you faced the front again. Closing your eyes you hoped everything would be okay once more.

The morning came quickly. The sun shone through the blinds, then the feeling of coldness hit as you turned over to the empty bed. Heh. What were you thinking? Did you really think that he was going to wait for you..? God sooner or later you really had to realize this relationship was more one sided then anything. That this thing was going to be a forever relationship. But god fuck, this was just as real as a fake relationship. It was only one when it was a relationship when it was convenient. It sucked but none of his teammates even knew about you and him being in a relationship. It sucked to feel like you were being forced to be hidden. It almost felt like he was embarrassed of you. It had gone on long enough. You were so fucking done. This was too hard to hold on.

After packing a bit you got up and grabbed your stuff. Getting up you headed out taking your car to one of your only friend’s houses. It was hard to have a conversation with him let alone try and explain how you felt. So you decided to take a night off from seeing him, and try and clear your head. You didn’t wanna break up, fuck that was the last thing you wanted to do. You decided not to leave a note.. secretly kind of hoping it would make him a bit worried or something. So you knew he actually noticed.. or actually liked you. Suna always had a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ additude and that was one of the big reasons you were drawn to him. He was always so free, he didn’t care what people had to say about him.. Something you wished you could have but it really didn’t matter because he had you back, back then.

After a few hours of hanging out your friend took your phone away from you, being that you had been waiting for a call from Suna. They powered it off and placed it on a shelf gently slipping next to you. They smiled. You and them were alway close. They had been with you for every break up and to be honest you even tried dating, though it didn’t work out it was a great experience and you would still have done it to this day. When night struck instead of waiting for Suna you actually were kind of relieved the fear of him not coming home kind of slipped off your shoulders as you laid down next to your friend. Closing your eyes you hoped for everything to get better. You wished that he would be able to get some free time and such.

On the other hand when Suna came home he did what he always did, take a shower and head to bed. But this time you weren’t there, you weren't waiting for him. He looked around almost instantly running to check if your shoes were there, which they weren’t. Now a bit shaken up he took a deep breath and walked over to check if anything else was missing. Once he did it kind of hit him harder than expected. Running to grab his phone he began to call you. It was too late out and it was pitch black, fear had settled in as he realized what could have happened. All the things that could have happened, might have happened. He immediately put on his shoes, his hair still wet. God even knows he can hear you to dry his hair before he leaves, in hope he won't get sick. He unlocked his car calling you for the third time, unsurprisingly he heard the same voice mail.

“Hey this is y/n! It seems you are trying to reach me. At the moment I might be busy or have missed your call! Please try and call again or leave a message. I promise to get back to you as soon as I can!”

It had been a wet month as the rain hit the floor but Suna didn’t seem to mind. So maybe he was being over dramatic but you never have been away from him during the night from the day you guys started dating. So for you not even to mention that you weren’t going to be home was fucking with him. He did the next best thing, calling your best friend. Lucky for him they picked up. “Hey is y/n there.. they're not picking up and I really wanna make sure they're okay..” he muttered his breath was loud. Almost as if he was having trouble breathing and such.

“Ya, do you wanna pick them up they seem to be having trouble sleeping.. and it seems like you guys need to work through a few things so maybe it would be best if you did..'' They were surprised that he called. It wasn’t that he didn’t love you or anything, it was just that it didn’t always seem like he was that interested in you, as if being convenient to them and such. So for him to call up your friend was quite unexpected.

When Suna arrived he got out and knocked on the door after being met with your friend, “I’m only telling you this once so listen to me. Y/n loves you okay? If you're not interested just let them be okay? There are a bunch of people who would kill to be with them. If you do not have the time for them please just let them be, so they can find someone who can take care of them when they need someone too. Y/n is quiet about their feelings but that doesn’t mean you can only be with them when it is convenient to you, let alone only at night. If you don’t want to step up please just step down and let someone else fill your role for you. They are hurting to much because of your actions and you don’t seem to ever fucking care. Please just let them go if you're done.. This game has been over a long time ago. You won okay. You always will be against y/n..” they moved to the side letting the startled Suna in. “They're over there, if you don’t wanna carry them it is okay just call me over because I don’t want them to be woken up.” Suna shook his head gently. How fucking dare they assume that this was all a game to him. How dare they assume that he didn’t actually love you..? Why did they assume those things..?

Suna picked you up gently, gently you clung to him and his warmth. It was cold in the room and Suna seemed to be the only solution to it. It surprised Suna quite a lot, finding out that you were clinging to him. Being that at night he always hugged you, but you just wanted to give him space so he wouldn’t be bored of you. “Hey angel sorry for making you wait all these nights.. I promise I will be there okay.. please don’t move on I really do love you.. your my everything and I know it is stupid of me to talk to you while your asleep but sometimes I get to nervous to talk to you and I just want everything to be okay with you. Your friend is right though.. There is no excuse for what I am doing to you. I am so sorry.. angel trust me I really love you. I would be so fucking lost without you.” he muttered holding on to you tightly as he grabbed your stuff and carried you out. It was still raining as he tried his best to shelter you from the rain running to the car as he placed you in the front. It took him a moment to get you comfortable or at least that what he hoped was comfortable. He had placed a blanket on you and buckled you up as he moved to the front and started driving. It was a good thirty minute drive, and he knew soon you guys had to go back to go get your car but at this moment all he was worried about was you. “God angel.. I can’t compete with everyone else after you.. why did you choose me.. why are you still with me..?” he muttered. He gently held your hand as he looked out. You were always so cold. Suna on the other hand was like a walking heat source. Maybe because he was so big that he could hold you tight and stuff and it just made it feel warmer or something but it worked better than you could imagine.

It took a bit of time but soon you had arrived, sadly the rain hadn’t eased up. Suna got out first picking you up as he wrapped the blanket around you so you wouldn’t get cold or wet. You shifted around in his arms. “mm..” you muttered your eyes fluttering open with the feeling of his arms again and the feeling of movement. You held on tightly to Suna, “Baby..?” you grumbled softly confused where you were and what you were doing. Why was he here? More importantly, how did he find you.. did he really care? God it felt great to think that he did.

“Ah I’m sorry for waking you angel.. close your eyes I’ve got you now.. that house was too cold. I’ve got you now. We are home so you can be nice and warm again okay..? Don’t worry I’ve got you now so everything will be okay. I am going to take a break from practice for the week okay..? I am going to ease up on the practice so you won’t have to worry. I love you so much. I know I haven’t been a good boyfriend and I know I need to step it up. Will I be okay? Don’t worry I am going to be better for you okay. I am sorry about everything I’ve done to hurt you and I am going to do my best to make you feel better.. and if it doesn’t help I will let go okay. I’m going to finally let you breathe but please just give me just one more chance. I know I love you, and I know I don’t show it but I promise I do. If I didn’t please tell me what was that pain in my chest when I didn’t see you, I know I sound stupid I know I do but I know I really do love you. Hearing what your friend said and I know they're right but it just hit me. I am not ashamed of you.. you know that right..? I just don't want my team to know because last time when word got out I was dating someone the pressure was to muc. on them and the new articles and stuff and I just don’t wanna pressure you. I don’t want us to end because of that. I want everything to be perfect. I know I come home late, I just.. I don’t know. I know it is too much on you and I don't want that I just don’t everything to be over because of an argument that could have been avoided if I just you know.. not came home or something. I know it is no excuse but I am telling the truth please believe me. I can’t live without you.. I love you so much please baby.. fuck. I keep rambling. I am sorry angel. get some rest we will talk about this in the morning..” he muttered softly walking inside and gently placing you in bed as he walked and changed coming back as soon as he could.

You were wide awake.. but you just wanted to wait so you knew he would still be there when you woke up. So you knew he wouldn’t be gone before anything. So you knew he wasn’t lying anymore. “Night baby..” you muttered as his arms wrapped around you.

“Good night angel.. I love you so much..” He muttered, closing his eyes.

When the morning came you were surprised when you felt his body tight around you. “Morning my angel..” he muttered. “Did you get some good rest..?”

“Good morning.. mhm.. thank you for staying.. you don’t understand how worried I was that you were going to leave before I could say anything.. But thank you. I love you so much okay.. and I don’t what my friend said but please ignore him.. I only love you.. I will only ever love you. Please try and stay home more. It is getting hard to handle and I know it is selfish but I just want you to stay longer sometimes. I know you want the best for me but please.. it makes me feel like you actually don’t love me and I know it is wrong but I get scared and I don’t want to be.. please believe me when I say that I can handle it.. I just wanna be with you more. I just want to be what you want. I love you so much..” You were trying not to cry but you were.

“Angel… I love you so much. I will tell the whole world.. I want to. Will I be okay? I will stay with you till you wake up and eat Breakfast with you. I will come home sooner so you're not scared anymore.. I’ve got you and everything I’ve ever wanted so please don’t cry.. I love you so fucking much angel..” he whispered kissing you. This felt good.. refreshing, you felt okay for the first time in a while. You felt happy. You were going to be alright now, he was going to keep you safe and you would do the same thing. You loved each other and that's all that would ever matter because you two were made for each other.

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[yandere-sins]

Hello friend!❤️ I absolutely adore your Miya Twins works. Every time you post something for one of them or both of them I’m so elated and excited to read what you’ve come up with! If your requests are open (your bio says they are) I was wondering if you could write something where the reader almost successfully escapes or calls for help? What are the twins reactions? What would they do? I love how you write their dynamic and would love to see this idea explored! If you don’t want to write for both of them, maybe Atsumu’s perspective? Personally he is my favorite twin! I hope you are well thank you❤️

Hey friendo! ♥ We actually talked about escaping them before, so this might be interesting for you! Thanks for requesting, I hope this is close to what you wanted! I needed a reason to just make it ‘almost’ ^^’

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

"Keep it down, 'Tsumu."

His brother's warning only frustrated Atsumu more, but he grit his teeth in response, the last remnants of his voice fading through the hallway of the apartment complex. Maybe he had been a little loud as he tried to voice his anger, frustration, and fear, but how else was he supposed to come to terms with this situation? Not only had their darling found a way to crack the lock on the front door open, no, they also successfully slipped out of his grasp and outran him in the moment of surprise - HIM, a professional athlete.

It was almost too bad that they missed a step on the second to last staircase, making them fall right into the opposing wall. The twins' screams as they heard the maddening crack when their head hit the cement must have echoed throughout the whole house. Luckily, the twins weren't the only shady people renting an apartment here, and most were empty anyway. No one came to see what the ruckus was all about.

Their darling was anything but weightless as they were slumped against his back, Atsumu giving them a piggyback ride back to their home. Luckily, his muscles were good enough to easily carry them around, but taking three staircases with an extra person on his back wasn't the most comfortable task even for him.

"It's your responsibility. You let them get away," had been Osamu's reasoning as to why they wouldn't alternate carrying them. "Asshole," Atsumu grumbled, Osamu giving him a glare back over his shoulder. He knew just as well that Atsumu wasn't lashing out at him, both of them going through the same state of shock and frustration. But now, with the blood of their darling's head wound dripping onto Atsumu's shirt, they also had their hands full with worrying.

"Stop making a scene. It could be worse," Osamu reminded him, but despite the harsh words, Atsumu felt the same kind of relief. At least they didn't make it out. But at what price?

"Ya think they'll recover from that?" Atsumu asked quietly as Osamu opened the door for him, both of them frowning at the busted door lock. It was crazy to think that their sweet, docile darling was able to do such a thing. However, when their darling realized that their plan failed to pick the lock, they must have panicked so much they ended up opening it this way. "From their failed escape? Probably. That wound is a different thing."

Both of them were tense as Osamu spoke out what they wished didn't have to be voiced. They were no doctors. They could patch up a cut or put ointment on a bruise, but if anything was wrong inside of their brain, they'd be screwed. Bringing them to a hospital was out of the question. Less their darling might be taken away from them. Atsumu didn't even want to start thinking about all the people that would be all over his sweetheart, touching and caring for them while he couldn't. A stupid moment to get jealous, but who could blame him?

"Put them down in their room; it's the safest spot at the moment. Close the door just in case," Osamu instructed, opening the door for Atsumu before disappearing into his own bedroom. "Bring tissues!" Atsumu called after him as he carried their darling inside, trying to slide them off his back as gently as possible and laying them on their bed. His t-shirt was already ruined as he pulled it off, gently dabbing the fabric against the wound on their forehead, waiting for his brother to bring some bandages and ointment. "Shit," he mumbled, biting his own lip in frustration.

The person he was most frustrated with was himself. Yes, he knew about what kind of power balance reigned in their house. Yes, he knew that not all he did to his darling was in their best interest. But he didn't want it to end... like this. That's not what he wanted. Pressing the shirt to their wound, he lifted their hand with his free one, bringing it to his lips. They had done something bad. Something really, really bad. But at the same time, they were so vulnerable, so dependant, and they didn't even know it. They shouldn’t have run from them, it was their darling’s fault in the first place. But how could he be mad at them when they were in this heartbreaking state? Punishment was nothing he could even think about in that moment. What if they didn’t wake up again? Even with the blood dripping from their face, they were the most wonderful person he knew, and Atsumu feared to have told them that less than he should have when he had the chance.

"Move." Giving him an ungentle kick in the waist, Osamu made Atsumu free up the space directly next to their darling's head. He wished he could have his brother's place, but Osamu was just a bit better when it came to fixing stuff. So maybe, he could fix this too?

Pushing away Atsumu and his shirt, Osamu leaned over their darling, checking again if they were still breathing before taking a closer look at the wound. "Ya know how to do stitches?" Osamu mumbled as he looked at it from every side possible. "Are you crazy?" Atsumu hissed back. "Neither of us can do that!"

"And your better idea is...?"

Fuck. His stomach twisted and churned as Atsumu thought about this.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"You do it," Atsumu spoke monotonously. Trying to hide his fear and the shaking hands in his lap.

"Your hands are more steady," Osamu hissed back at him, not noticing that they currently were out of control, only trusting logic in this situation.

"Are you kidding?" Atsumu barked, ready to hit his brother if not for both of Osamu's hands being around their darling's face to steady it.

"One of us has to, and it ain't me! I just cook! You have finger coordination!"

"But..." Atsumu's voice cracked, his eyes falling onto their darling's almost peaceful face if not for the bloody mess at the side of their forehead. Osamu sighed. He pulled his hands away, fingers covered in red smears as he brushed back his hair. "They're bleeding, 'Tsumu," he whispered, and Atsumu heard the same damn fear in his brother's voice that he was fighting with. The struggle, the uncertainty. Fear of losing their darling and guilt of letting it come so far. Osamu had been farther away from their darling than Atsumu, but he was blaming himself just as much. "What do we do?" Osamu's voice was strained with the burden of a person's life on his shoulders as well.

That's right. Atsumu wasn't the only one hurting.

"Then the hospital--" Osamu sighed, catching his composure as quickly as possible, or he might have started to cry. Instead, he pulled out his phone. He hesitated before his lock screen flashed up, ready to call the emergency hotline. By now, time was of the essence.

"No," Atsumu decided right as his eyes caught the light coming from the display. "I'll do it," he stated, determined with an unknown strength.

"I will," he emphasized again, this time, trying to hide the slight shake of uncertainty in his voice. All their work, all this time they put into keeping their darling with them - it couldn't be in vain. Their love was not so shallow. "But..." Osamu mumbled, unsure if this was the right decision.

"I'm the older twin. Trust me."

"Debatable..." Osamu mumbled, glancing back at their hurting darling. "But I trust you."

It all felt unreal. Their first aid kit wasn't just a normal, store-bought one as Atsumu always thought. Somehow, Osamu seemed to have predicted there could have been worse wounds to befall them, owning everything they could need. Chaos reigned in Atsumu's head as he watched one video after another of how to stitch wounds on Osamu's phone while washing his hands maniacally as if to wash off the sins crawling over his skin. The time was pressuring him. There was so much to note, he was barely able to remember the first step once he was done watching it. Avoiding blood poisoning seemed to be the slightest problem when he couldn't even remember how to close a stitch.

Both of them suited up for the occasion, Osamu silently bringing a new shirt into the bath before washing his hands next to his brother. "We said we'd do it together when we brought them here," he reminded Atsumu as he helped him into the gloves. "You're not alone in this."

"I know," Atsumu sighed. "We always did it together, but I have to do this alone. For them. For us."

"I'm always right behind you," Osamu encouraged Atsumu as they stepped up to their darling. A moment of silent prayers passed as they looked down at the biggest mistake of their life. Their darling.

"Let's get it over with," Atsumu mumbled. There was something in his brother's eyes that Osamu had never seen before. He could only recognize it as a point of no return. A breaking point. And yet, Osamu handed the needle to his brother, who immediately pointed it to where he wanted it to go. However, before he could stick it in, he hesitated, his will faltering instantly. What if he'd mess it up? What if he couldn't do it? They'd die. Either way, they'd die.

"On three," Osamu caught his brother, who was falling into despair. Atsumu had to do it. There was no turning back, they had long ignored the right things, and now they were too deep in to go back. He'd prove his love once and for all. Atsumu breathed in.

"Deep breath. One. Two..."

Atsumu breathed out.

"Three."

[general-yasur]

I should have said no. Why didn’t I say no?? Ugh. I’m not a party guy- or a social guy- I’m a ninja. The Green Ninja, and yet, here I am, putting on a suit and tie— where is my tie?

Searching for my tie leaves me spinning around in the small bathroom, allowing me to get a glimpse of the suit. By default a groan escapes me. The green suit is a reminder of where the next few hours will be spent.

The dark circles under my eyes are always so jarring, which is why I avoid looking at my face at all costs. So I look at my watch instead, and low and behold I am already running out of time. Prompting me to rush out of the bathroom and look for my tie in the bedroom.

When Dr. Borg asked me to go to this fancy dinner party thingy, I could’ve faked a tummy ache. I avoided going to the mall once when I ate too many gummy worms. Should’ve done that.

I check on the bed. Nothing. The dresser? Nope! The closet? Under the bed?! Nope. This is lame and ties are stupid. Maybe I can get away without-

“You left your tie in the kitchen, mi amor!”

My ears bounce at the sound of Jorges voice. Usually his voice is a delight, but the mention of that stupid tie is less than amusing.

“Do you need- did you forget to brush your hair?!”

And now I’m even less amused. No I didn’t brush my hair because tangles hurt and the time it takes to brush it out is lame-

“No Jorge-“

I turn around to confront him, big mistake. Power rushes to my cheeks at the sight of him. Jorge is in an orange dress. A tight dress with a slit down the side. He’s wearing lip gloss, blush and all that other make up stuff. His Neon Xtreme necklace lay over his chest.

It’s at this moment I realize how lucky I am that Jorge mostly wears loose clothing. I don’t think I could handle him wearing tight fitting clothes that display every curve of his body-

“Are you okay?!”

Fuck. I can’t let him see me like this.

“Yeah I’m fine or whatever. Give me the tie.”

Regretful that I snatched the tie more aggressively than I hoped. Whatever. I don’t think he minds.

“Ah ah ah. You and I both know you can’t tie it to save your life.” With that, Jorge snatches the tie back, wraps it around my neck and begins to tie it. He gets close- really close. I can’t help but gaze down at his chest. Not my fault he’s wearing heels so his tits are in my face. Jorge’s man boobies remind me of stress balls I used to squish before I tore into them. Wait- no- why am I thinking about this??

“If I had to tie a tie to save a life, I could do it.”

“Yeah, and it’d be crooked.” A smartass, but he’s right. Not my fault my nails get in the way.

Jorge finishes tying my tie and steps back, laying his hands on his hips, gazing at me. I stare at him back, trying desperately to not look at his chest again.

“Te ves tan bien en un traje, mi amor. Muy caliente.”

Huh. Traje…suit. Caliente…hot. Oh! Oh. Why does he have to say things like that? It always makes me-

Jorge smiles smugly as energy rushes to my cheeks, allowing tiny green dots to force themselves onto my face. He’s doing this on purpose.

“Now that we’ve established how sexy you are, how about me?”

Jorge takes a step back and twirls around a couple times, allowing me to get a very good look at him. I’m not really sure what he wants me to say. That he has a big butt?? He has soft arms? He looks amazing in the dress?? He’s amazing? I love everything about him so what is he expecting me to say? I have to carefully choose the right words-

“Jorge, you have really big tits.”

Shit. Jorge’s mouth falls open before I cover my face. That was embarrassing. This is another reason why I don’t like going out-

“‘My boyfriend loves my man boobies’ could be an interesting conversation starter.”

Jorge wraps his arms around my waist and I separate my fingers just enough to see his soft and sly smile.

“That’s a horrible conversation starter.”

He laughs. The kind of laugh that makes me smile regardless of how annoyed I am with him, and all that other weird warm fuzzy stuff or whatever.

“Are you ready? I can’t wait to flaunt my handsome boyfriend around.”

Jorge pulls my hands from my face and holds them.

“What am I? Your accessory?”

“Tonight, I am yours.”

Damnit, he’s making me excited for this.

“And if the party is lame, we’ll dip and see how much slushy we can fit in our mouths at the gas station.”

Even better.

“You had me at slushy.”