#give me charlie pace in real life pls

[johnmurphysgirl]

Me 🤝 my thousand all over the place Fandoms that I'm obsessed with 🤝 slightly unhinged fangirl

[flowerfan2]

Bound To Be Together

McDanno, M, A03

A continuous story of Season 9 codas exploring the bond between Steve and Danny as they grow even closer.

Chapter 9.15

The storm is picking up steam, wind howling outside the palace windows, when Steve’s phone buzzes with a text.

 call me pls don’t ask just call

Steve frowns.  He isn’t thrilled that Danny is entertaining Rachel on his night off, but since Rachel was forced to evacuate – with Charlie – he can’t really object without seeming like an asshole.  The new state of affairs between Danny and Rachel is a little too accomodating for Steve’s liking, and it is starting to get under his skin.  

You ok?  Steve texts back.

 can you not read? call me

Steve stifles a grin and presses Danny’s number.  Figures they’d argue even over text.

Danny picks up the phone, but his greeting doesn’t make a lot of sense.  “Steve?  Why are you calling?”  he pauses, but then before Steve can say anything, he goes on.  “Sure, sure, give me a sec.”

“Danny.”

“Hang on, hang on.” And then, muffled, like Danny’s got his hand over the phone, “Rachel, I’ll be back in a minute.  Steve needs to talk to me about a case.”  

Steve hears a door open and close, and then a long sigh.

“Danny, what exactly is going on?”

“Took you long enough to call.”

“You could have just called me if you wanted to talk.”  Clearly Danny wanted to be interrupted, but Steve still feels like he’s missing something.

 “I can’t help it, babe, it’s like junior high over here.  I didn’t know what else to do.”

 “About?”

 “Rachel.”

 “Is she okay?”

 “Yes, she’s fine, Charlie’s fine, we’re all fine.  That’s not the point.”

 “What exactly is the point?”

 Steve hears a faucet turn on, and realizes that Danny is in the bathroom, trying to mask the sound of his voice.  Hiding, perhaps, from Rachel.

 “The point is she’s flirting with me.”

 Steve’s heart starts to race.  He’s always believed that jealousy was petty, and beneath him, but right now he wouldn’t be surprised if his eyes were turning green.

 “So shut her down.”

 There’s a shuffle, and a thump.  Steve pictures Danny sitting on the floor of the bathroom, leaning against the tub. “It’s not that easy.”

 Steve doesn’t know what to say to this.  Apparently Danny doesn’t, either, as the silence between them goes on longer than is comfortable.  Finally he forces words out.  “Are you saying you want her to flirt with you?”

 “Steve…”

 Steve feels like his chest is in a vice.  He can’t breathe, and he sits down hard in his chair, elbow landing painfully on his desk. This is it, then, this is where all this has been heading.  Danny is going to reunite with his ex-wife, have Grace and Charlie with him full-time, be a real, normal family again.  

 He jerks his head up at a knock on his office door.  Jerry’s standing there, looking anxious, and making some kind of sign that’s he’s pretty sure means he’s got information.  

 “Danny, I’ve got to get back to work.  Do what you gotta do.”

 “Steve, wait-”

 “Goodbye, Danny.”

 “But Steve-”

 Steve hangs up, and turns his attention to Jerry.  Whatever Danny has to say can wait, at least until Steve isn’t dealing with hundreds of storm refugees and a dangerous criminal in his rendition room.  If he’s going to get dumped, he’d prefer that it happen in private, and preferably in person.

 Steve shoves his cell in his pocket, and it isn’t until much later in the night – almost morning, now – that he sees the texts that Danny sent him right after Steve hung up the phone.

 Shit, Steve, pls call me back.

 or text, either way

 It’s not what you think

 I just needed to talk about it.  Pls call if you can.  Stay safe.

 I love you.

 It’s better than getting dumped by a long shot, but still, Steve isn’t going to be able to relax until he sees Danny.  When the storm blows itself out and the sun comes up, he heads over to Danny’s house.

 He puts on his most cheerful face when Danny asks what’s he doing there (what does he think he’s doing here, Daniel), babbles about last night’s possible disasters, and holds his breath until Danny has closed the door behind Rachel and Charlie.  

 And if Steve made it awkward, well, he had a right to, didn’t he?  When his boyfriend spends the night flirting with his ex-wife, his ex-wife that said boyfriend has been awfully friendly with lately, while insisting that nothing is going on, it’s kind of the definition of awkward.  So sue him.

 Steve internally acknowledges the irony of his insistence on pancakes.  He’s not sure when this got to be a thing with them, when Steve gave in to Danny’s love for sweets, when Steve realized that he could make Danny grin by begging him for unhealthy carbs.

 It was probably around the time that Steve admitted to himself that being served a meal by Danny, one that Danny reserved for those closest to him, made Steve feel loved, and he’d do pretty much anything to chase that feeling.  Even if it means eating more empty calories in one meal than anyone should have in a week.  And besides, bananas are healthy.

 It’s not until the pancakes are ready and Danny is picking out the ones with the best banana to chocolate chip ratio to pile on Steve’s plate that Danny begins to talk.

 “I’m sorry for last night. It’s been confusing for me, this stuff with Rachel, and I wanted to talk about it with you.  Which would have been fine, right, if we were just friends? But we’re not, and I should have realized that.”

 Danny sounds almost sad, wistful, and it doesn’t sit right with Steve.

 “No, man, nothing’s changed – we’re still friends.  You can talk to me about anything.”

 “But you got upset. And I get it, you don’t want to hear this.”

 Steve takes a deep breath and tries to stay calm.  “Just because I don’t want to hear something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it.  But it would help if you were a little more clear.”

 “How do you mean?”

 Steve puts his fork down, and looks Danny in the eye.  “If you’re telling me you still have feelings for Rachel, if you’re breaking up with me, I think it’s understandable that I’d be upset.”

 “Jeez, Steve, I’m not breaking up with you.  I’m not,” Danny insists, his pancakes forgotten as he grabs Steve’s arm.  “I love you, you goof.  A lot.”  Danny leans in and presses a hard kiss to Steve’s lips.  

 It takes Steve a few seconds to respond, he’s still halfway nervous and angry and worried, and when he does he feels like he’s a kid, fumbling around, not quite with the program.

 Danny pulls back, his eyes finding Steve’s.  “Hey, it’s okay.  Really. I’m sorry.  I screwed up – nothing happened with Rachel, and nothing’s going to. It’s just weird being that close with her again, that’s all.  It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

 “But you do feel… something for Rachel.”

 Danny sits back down in his chair, but scoots it closer to Steve, so that their knees are touching. “Yeah.  I do.  We were together for a long time.  And she’s coming on strong now.  It brings back a lot of memories.”  Danny rubs his face.  “I loved her a lot, you know?”

 “She cheated on you, Danny. She tried to take Gracie away from you. She lied to you about Charlie – your own son.  For years.”

 Danny’s face falls. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I’ve considered the fact that even letting her back into my life like this is some kind of, I don’t know, Hawaiian-variety Stockholm Syndrome?  It just happened, Steve, little by little.  I always wanted to make sure Gracie and Charlie weren’t affected by all the crap between me and Rachel, so I tried to behave, for their sake. At some point I guess I forgot to be mad at her.”

 Steve reaches out, draws a finger along the collar of Danny’s t-shirt, considers carefully the curve of his collarbone.  He wants this man so much, he doesn’t know how to navigate this.  Doesn’t know what to say.

 Danny speaks before Steve can find the right words.  “I still care about my ex-wife, and I do think it’s good for everyone that we have a civil relationship.  I thought you were on board with that?  You’re all chummy with her too, you know you are – genuinely friendly, right?”

 Steve has to admit this. “Right.”

 “You expect me to hold a grudge, even if it isn’t good for Grace and Charlie?”

 “Maybe a little one.”

 Danny huffs a laugh, then cups his hand around Steve’s larger one and presses it to his chest.  Steve can feel Danny’s heart beating under his palm.

 “I know it’s weird. It feels weird to me too, that she can still make my stomach flutter the way it did when we were kids.  Apparently I’m still a little vulnerable to her flirting. But I love you.  You’re the one I want to be with.  Trust me, babe, okay?”

 Steve wants to, he really does.  “Nothing happened with Rachel last night?  Nothing at all?”

 “No, but…” Danny cringes, but then he looks right back at Steve, taking a breath and holding his gaze steady as he talks.  “We fell asleep on the couch, and when we woke up, we were laying there together.  But nothing happened.  Clothes remained on.  Charlie was right there, watching television.  Completely innocent.”

 “On her part, or yours?”

 Danny presses his lips together.  “I don’t know about Rachel.”

 “Danny, are you telling me you didn’t enjoy it at all, the attention from her?  The teasing?”  Steve pulls his hand out of Danny’s grasp and stands up.  

 Danny follows him, rubbing his hands on his pants and pacing.  “See?  That’s what I wanted to talk about.  That’s what I need you to understand, to help me process.”

 Steve stares at Danny, at the pained look on his best friend’s face, and suddenly there’s a laugh bubbling up through his chest.  “You want me, as your friend, to give you relationship advice about your relationship with me, your boyfriend?”

 Danny throws his hands up in the air.  “Yes! Exactly!  What does it mean that I felt that way?  It’s got to be wrong, right?  To care about her, to enjoy her caring about me?  Help me out here, come on, please.”

 This is unknown territory; Steve isn’t the best when it comes to this kind of thing.  But he closes his eyes for a moment, and thinks hard about it.  He thinks about Catherine.

 “I think it feels good to have an attractive woman flirt with you, and when it’s someone that you have a lot of… emotions about, it’s complicated.”

 “But you didn’t like it, when I called you last night.”

 “Danny…” Steve sighs. “This is new, between us.  And you and Rachel… I’ve been a little worried, okay, more than a little worried.  You just need to let me know where you stand.  And if you tell me that it’s just flirting, that it’s not going to go any farther with Rachel, well, I can take it.”

 Danny squints up at Steve. “You can take it?”

 “Yeah, I mean, it’s not going to hurt my feelings or anything, if it’s just flirting.”  Steve’s not completely sure this is true, but it seems like the right thing to say.

 “It’s just flirting,” Danny says, firmly.

 “Yeah?”

 “Yeah.”  There’s a beat, and then Danny’s eyes are glinting and there’s a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.  He saunters closer to Steve, and fiddles with the collar of his shirt.  “So,” he says, his voice low, “if I told you that Rachel and I stayed up late last night, playing… Yahtzee…” he draws the word out, raising an eyebrow, “you’d be okay with that?”

 Danny’s other hand is circling Steve’s waist, then sliding back to tease at the top of his ass. Steve draws in a sharp breath as a flash of arousal runs through him.

 “Playing Yahtzee?” Steve asks.

 “Yeah.”  Danny nuzzles at Steve’s neck.  “And eating… popcorn.”

 It should be ridiculous, that Steve is so eager for Danny.  The spark of jealousy at Danny’s description of his night with Rachel is just heightening his reaction, however, and it feels too good for Steve to do anything but give in to it.

 He shifts and lets his cheek drag over Danny’s stubble, rough against his own, and then captures his lips in a kiss.  It’s deliberate, and hot, and then Danny’s hands dig into Steve’s ass and pull them close.

 They wind up on the floor, hands tangling as they grab at waistbands and zippers and tug pants down. Steve gets his hand around them both, and Danny moans his approval.

 “Fuck, Steve, yeah.” Danny sucks kisses down his neck, shoving up Steve’s shirt as one hand pulls at a nipple, and Steve lets his head fall back in pleasure, not caring that he bangs it against the leg of the table.

 “You like that babe, god, I know you do,” Danny mumbles.  Danny shifts lower, making Steve let go of his cock, and attacks Steve’s chest with his mouth.  Steve rolls to his back, trembling and shaking as Danny sucks on one nipple and then the other, and then heads further south, kissing and licking as he goes.

 “Danny…”  He gasps when Danny gets his mouth on him, and barely stops himself from thrusting up into that wet heat.  Danny’s good at this, really good, and Steve thinks that he needs to start reciprocating soon, because he wants Danny to make Danny feel this amazing too.

 He must be saying the words out loud, because Danny pops off and grins at him, lips red.  “Next time, babe, I’ll pencil you in, no problem, but I’m kinda busy right now.”  He’s back to sucking Steve down so fast that Steve hardly has time to breathe, working the base with one hand and twirling his tongue as he moves up and down over as much of Steve’s length as he can reach.

 Steve feels Danny’s fingers sliding back behind his balls, wet with Danny’s spit, and his hips lift of their own accord to give him access.  He’s not sure what Danny has in mind, but he doesn’t have a chance to find out as suddenly everything tenses and he’s coming with a shout.

 Danny licks and sucks him through it, then lets Steve pull him up and kiss his swollen lips.  Steve can taste himself in Danny’s mouth, bitter and salty and he’s pretty sure he was supposed to warn Danny before exploding like that but he can’t find it in himself to care right now.

 Danny’s sweating like crazy and Steve tugs his t-shirt off, running his hands over the curly blond hair on his chest, and back up over his broad shoulders.  Danny’s eyes are closed, his cock sliding against Steve’s hip, and Steve gets his hand around him.  He’s barely gotten a rhythm going when Danny comes with a stutter and a sigh, collapsing against Steve’s chest.

 “Oh, babe,” Danny says, his breath hot against Steve’s skin.  “Babe.” He’s panting, still wriggling against Steve, Steve’s shirt balled up between them somewhere under Steve’s arms. Steve shifts just long enough to tug it off, and then gathers Danny close.

 Steve is content to drift for a few minutes, even though it’s not particularly comfortable on the floor, his pants around his ankles.  But Danny is nuzzling into the space between his shoulder and his neck, one hand playing with Steve’s hair, and it feels fantastic.  Steve gives Danny’s naked butt a squeeze, and Danny barely protests, just nipping at the spot behind Steve’s ear and squirming closer.

 Eventually Danny rouses, pushing up on one elbow.

 “Hey,” Steve says, well aware that he’s smiling like a goof.

 “Hey.”  Danny tilts his head, wearing a matching smile.  He looks up, taking in the view – the underside of the dining table, the chairs shoved aside.  “Those were some pretty good pancakes, huh?”

 Steve laughs, lifting up to press a wet kiss to Danny’s mouth.  “The best.”

[h50europe]

Hawaii Five-0 thoughts - I wanted to wait until the season is over but I couldn’t help myself as I have so many thoughts in my mind and at some point, they all wanted out. Forgive me for this verbal diarrhea. 

Where do you go to, my lovely?

I was pissed when they came up with Danny talking about retirement. I felt it was not a good idea. His character has deteriorated over the years, and the retirement talk didn't help at all. And I wondered what this trash talking was all about. Soon, we should learn that Danny already had a plan for his retirement. He wanted to open a restaurant. At first, we thought it was cute when he opened up and told Steve about it. We also thought it was cute on their rally through the jungle with a bomb strapped to the bed of their truck. Last but not least we couldn't help but smile when Steve came up with the idea to call the restaurant Steve's shortly before the bomb was about to explode. And we finally laughed out loud when the bomb exploded, and Steve's and Danny's hearing was impaired due to the blast and Danny said, "You can't name a restaurant Steve's." And Steve was close to tears and so full of joy that he thanked his friend from the bottom of his heart because he had considered it.

So far so good. This was back in season 7. Before season 8 aired PL was gushing about the upcoming events and what he had planned for it. With two main casts leaving there was room for a reboot of the reboot. Two new members were found shortly and also almost every character on the show that practically guest starred from time to time was upped to recurring. I remained skeptical but was totally open to giving it a try. I was still open for anything when PL babbled about the restaurant. Though I had my doubts, and here I have to quote Uncle Vito:

"What the hell are you guys thinking, anyway? Open up a restaurant; it is a terrible idea. And then into the fact that you know nothing about the business because if you did, you would know that it is a fulltime backbreaking grind just to squeeze out a few bucks of profit. Not something you do on a side like a hobby because you think you know about a thing or two about good food. Any schmuck who watches the food network thinks he's an expert. But you're not special. You're not even average. And when it comes to stuff like this…you are terrible."

That said, I could not agree more. What still bugged me were PLs remarks about that plot in TV-Line's interview from August 2017:

“It’s a longterm thing,” Lenkov affirms. “And who knows — the way they’re sort of going at each other, and given their different points of view with regards to building this business as something to retire into, it may never even happen! Because it’s just one hurdle after another.” - Lenkov

But in success, I suggested, maybe the stage can be set for a workplace sitcom offshoot that would cause less wear-and-tear to Alex O’Loughlin’s famously weary joints? - TVLine

“Yeah, down the road,” Lenkov responded with a laugh. “Many years down the road. Season 15!”

As much as I love Alex and as much I want him to do less action stuff, a sitcom, especially a poorly written one, is not what I have in mind when I am watching H50 and the interactions of Steve and Danny.

In another interview with CBS.com PL had also promised THIS, also from August 2017:

Fans love Danny and McGarrett's "carguments," will we keep seeing those next season? - CBS

Absolutely. Alex and Scott do a great job riffing off of each other, so it's always fun for us to write around the rhythm they've built over past seasons. - Lenkov

Sorry, but that was a flat-out lie. By this time he had already known in which direction McDanno was heading and it was definitely no carguments.

For me, it looks that they came up with the restaurant plot as a substitute for said carguments.

Let's go back to the beginning of season 8 when we were curious about it. The newbies were introduced as well, and things seem to work out fine. We were happy and so full of hope that this season was even going to be much better than season 7. Unfortunately, it happened that Scott hurt his arm while he was on the mainland and so they had to make some rearrangements as he was wearing a brace for some time. Like with his knee injury his real-life health issue was woven into the plots. What I didn't like was the reason for this timely addition; Danny blamed it on Steve because he bought a cheap ladder. Sorry guys, couldn't you have written that Danny was clumsy and caused that to himself? Is it really necessary to make Danny look like an ass who considers Steve incompetent to buy a ladder that is not safe enough to work with? Guess, they could've done better with that (and did when I think about the good old days).

But that was just the beginning of the endless misery called restaurant plot. It was clear that Scott couldn't do much action stuff with that brace on his arm. So we got a little more intel – probably more than we wanted – on the restaurant thing. And why all of us were hopefully waiting for some progress an some more McDanno action when the brace came off, we became disappointed with each episode that passed by. Steve and Danny were now reduced to the restaurant with their, sometimes, nasty bickering – because we haven't seen much of the witty, fluffy, easy –going banter from the early seasons lately. While we were eagerly waiting to see them working cases together, PL had, as usual, other plans.

A 3 episode arc was launched shortly before Christmas. It started with a case on a boat where the teamed was exposed to a biochemical weapon. Soon all of them were affected by this nasty stuff but Lou, assisted by Adam – who meanwhile returned to Hawaii while Kono was still deep undercover – managed to get an antidote.

The episode led into of the most wonderfully written and out carried episodes we've seen in a while 8.10 (for me, it is still my fav episode ever) though it started with a huge shock for everyone as the team was still in quarantine and Danny got shot by a stranger. While Steve, Tani, and Junior did all that they can to save Danny's life, he's in and out while one of his lungs is collapsing and he's about to choke. In this life-threatening limbo, Danny hallucinates about the future.

The first scene of this episode shows Steve's in full swing. Both guys have obviously retired and are now running a beautiful Italian restaurant. While Steve is taking care of the staff and the welfare of the guests, Danny has taken over the kitchen. You can see how Scott and Alex enjoyed playing these parts as they were so different from what they usually do on the show.

Later we see Danny with Grace at her wedding (the reception is held at Steve's house), and in another scene, Steve and Danny are at Charlie's promotion as a police officer with the HPD. We learn that Tani and Junior are married and that Tani was now leading the task force.

The last sequence of Danny's trip into the future presented him and Steve in their late 70s. Both are sitting on the chairs in Steve's yard and having a conversation about Danny's grandchild and other stuff.

Even without wearing McDanno goggles, these scenes touched most of us, as we see that in Danny's mind the two of them grew old together and lived in the same place. There was no mentioning of girlfriends or wives, which caused some protests from the not so McDanno friendly part of the fandom. But I don't want to get into that because the haters gonna hate.

This episode led us into the Christmas episode that was also nicely written but had not as much significance for me as 8.10.

With that said I thought it could only get better. And I wondered how they would top such an episode. Speaking frankly, they didn't. Instead, they sucked and messed up badly.

Looking back at this episode, I think the only reason they showed it was to dangle the McDanno-carrot right in front of our faces. This episode's sole purpose was to egg us on, to keep us watching. As much as I love this episode if it were something on the internet it would be called click bait. Yes, we were baited into keep on watching. While we were waiting episode after episode that the restaurant thing was picking up pace nothing really happened. On the contrary. 8.12 had been a pivotal episode for this season because the new big badass was introduced to the audience. Or better his actions to make sure he could rule every dirty business on the island by killing all the crime bosses who got incarcerated in a special facility after an FBI agent along with his family was killed by a bomb. It would've been a really good episode if Danny wasn't missing. It wasn't even mentioned where he was when the whole thing went down. And given to what happened in the episode and Steve's state of mind afterward he would have needed Danny badly, and so would've had the team, as they could've used every helping hand.

This is not about Scott and his agreement of doing five episodes less/season. It would not have been a first that episodes were filmed out of order due to scheduling or other reasons. Why didn't they do it in that case? At some point, I stopped wrecking my brain about it.

Therefore in the upcoming episodes more precious screen time was wasted on the restaurant plot that meanwhile turned into a never-ending story. Because of the boys facing so many obstacles that any sane person would've given up already. I think it is no fun watching someone going bankrupt or being a nervous wreck and arguing all the time. Whereas cases are worked by someone else or pairings, we haven't had on the show before, as Danny was and is constantly MIA without any explanation. So was Steve in episode 8.17 (but in his case Alex was prepping for his directional debut in episode 8.18). Maybe it would've been wiser to choose an episode where we could've overseen his absence more or less.

Though it was nice to see Danny taking over the lead when Steve is not there it is exactly the issue I am dealing with.

Going back to the early seasons, we always had Steve and Danny working together. Even when GP and DDK were added to the team, it was well written and happened smoothly. Nowadays, I have to admit that sometimes it feels like the introduction of the newbies is forced down our throats. Not that I don't like Tani and Junior. Both are nice characters with some potential but many plots of season 8 feel written lackluster. And often I have the impression it even shines through the acting. Means the actors look bored in certain scenes or something like that. I can't point my finger at it; it just feels off.

As much potential season 8 was offering, in the beginning, it deteriorated at some point. Steve and Danny aren't working many cases together. The restaurant plot feels like listening to a broken record. There are pivotal episodes where Danny is God knows where. Adam's plot is kind of wobbly, and I wonder where this is going to lead us as his plot is interlaced with the entrance of the still unknown big badass that is looming over the island like dark clouds on a stormy day.

Furthermore, the episodes are crammed with different arcs; currently, we have three of them running parallel which is not working. It is like TPTB knows that the show might come to an end at some point – no surprise after eight seasons – and they have to squeeze in whatever is possible, instead of focusing on core relationships and plots. I wonder if we will learn who the new King of crime in town is by the end of the season or if they leave it open to cause a major cliffhanger to make sure all of us are tuning in when season 9 starts. I do not doubt that we get a renewal, as some people are eager to make it up to episode 200, no matter what the price might be to get there.

As for episode 8.18 and aside from Alex directional debut it will be the episode where the secret of who shot Danny (we got the name of the guy in episode 8.17, but that's it with info so far) and why will be revealed. Because the incident that triggered this guy's actions lies at the beginning of Danny's career way back in Jersey. Means, we will have some flashbacks. Nevertheless, it is also going to be a multi-arc episode. But I do hope it focusses on the right arc. As we all know hope dies last.

If you made it that far, congrats. You've earned yourselves some nice brownie points. Also, I want to point out that this only reflects my thoughts.

See you on March 30th, 2018 with Alex directional debut in episode 8.18.

[bliphany]

(note: a previous version of this was posted last year’s August, but I revised it and fixed 100 parts I wasn’t happy about, so, I decided to post it again pls don’t hate me) (cw: suicidal thoughts)

John Reese

2011.12

He should have known better, good times never last long for him. His ended-too-soon childhood, life with his foster family, Jessica, and now, this.

Mark was right. It was time to go home. He just hoped his misplaced fortune wouldn't cause any collateral damage. It was bad enough to leave Finch alone with that long unsaved list - he'd have to hire someone else now - and ironically, John's final fate might just add its share to it. He doubted the Machine gave his number. He wasn't sure why Finch might feel sad, either, but he knew he would. He knew how the man was like.

Looked back, his whole life was a tale of irony; everything he wanted, he'd lost it. Like a wolf without his pack since youth, he kept seeking for somewhere, someone needed him, a home, but he kept losing them. Now his time was running out, had he been good enough for a place to finally accept him? For all the bad things he'd done, had he finally reached the breakeven point?

After losing all of his families, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. Then he remembered his father, how he was a hero dying saving people, so he enlisted to honor him. His country needed him, and he was good at what it required.

Once, fate gave him a chance. He almost settled done in a normal life, but then the 911 shook the whole country. It wasn't easy, but he said yes to the CIA instead of to the woman he loved. How else to protect the most people than to protect the country? He told Jessica she deserved someone better than him.

It didn't take long for him to realize what he said was truer than what he'd ever thought.

Of being an international spy, the hardest part wasn't how hard they had to work, or how dangerous it was, or how lonely it might be. The hardest part was he had to believe it; he was making the world safer when day after day all he saw were bodies he and Kara produced. But dirty jobs wouldn't do themselves. If someone had to, why not be him?

Then they were sent to Ordos.

He was supposed to die there, only that he didn't. After waking up from the explosion, he couldn't find Kara nor any evidence indicating she was dead. Kara probably woke up before him and left. Sure, John'd tried to tell her they were both victims, but why'd Kara believe him? The fact she didn't shoot him while he was still unconscious might be the kindest thing she'd give to an ex-partner.

He went back to New York and kept his head low. But what's the point? He mocked into the mouth of alcohol bottle one after another.

The worst thing the CIA had ever done to him wasn't what they asked him to give up, like humanity, but what they asked him to put into his mind and make it his very core. Instead of forbidding questions, they provided the only authorized source of the ultimate truth. Yes, the threat was real. Then one day, it ordered him to die, and it wasn't a sacrifice for the greater good but a shameful death, like he was a rat in a ditch.

It still wasn't the worst thing.

The worst thing was those faces in his nightmares. The way they twisted before he put down the light in them. They were traitors, enemies, and monsters, or were they? Or it was only him? Once the belief system got poisoned, he couldn't believe anything. And he couldn't stop those screaming burning in his head.

Alcohol was nice. It numbed his subconscious from dreaming. It suppressed his animal instincts yelling to survive. Yes, guilty tasted like shit, he didn't want to feel it. But he understood. He didn't deserve to survive. He understood.

One day he decided he had enough and headed to the bridge, but he ended up in a police station. He took the plastic cup Detective Carter offered, knowing what she was going to do with it. Time to meet his old devil. He hoped they come to him faster. He could always find a gun, but it was too much effort.

It wasn't Mark who showed up.

A strange man claiming to know everything about John had a job to offer. Well, why'd he want a job? This Mr. Finch might be a bored rich guy who watched too many movies and decided to chase something more exciting than Wall Street. He wanted to pay someone playing this game with him? Fine. John wasn't interested. He had a death date to catch up.

He refused to think about why while looking at his shaved self in the mirror.

It turned out Mr. Finch was persistent about his offer. You should leave me alone, John gritted his teeth, overwhelmed with an urge to scare him off.

He might think he knew everything about John, but he didn't because the truth was always uglier. And no one should ever let John stand this close.

John attacked him.

It was John who was shocked by his action. He already regretted the moment he sensed Finch's pain. He shouldn't do it. It wasn't a self-defense. Finch wasn't a target he was sent to hurt, either. Nobody asked him to, not for a long time. He wasn't needed even for that.

But Finch wasn't scared nor surprised. He looked into John's eyes, and John forgot what he'd planned to do, his knees weak. It felt like Finch was the one holding him up, preventing him from falling, not the other way around. John dropped his hands and stumbled backward.

Stroking his throat, Finch continued with a calm voice. He promised to never lie to him, as if he was saying he wouldn't allow John to be misused again. You weren't supposed to know that, John shook his head.

"What happened in the past wasn't your fault, John." Finch's voice was soft.

No, they were. John didn't say it, but Finch stared at him as if he knew that, too.

He took the job. He was going to die anyway. If he'd use those time to do something good, it was fair enough.

A case followed by another, and then another. Every day now he saw faces he was going to save. He helped to give them more breathing hours instead of taking it away, and one breath after another, life came back to him - and in him - gradually, one piece at a time.

"Why do you do this, Finch?" He once asked.

Finch bit his lips. His eyes moved away from John to the board standing at the corner, all those unsaved lives fixed on it, their time stopped.

Silence expanded in the room. John sighed, and just when he was trying to think of something else to say, Finch whispered, "I've made many mistakes, Mr. Reese, and I want to believe... I hope, there's some way to live with them."

A warm yet unsettling feeling rising in his stomach, John opened his mouth, desperately wanting Finch to know he wanted it, too.

"There are better ways to live, John." His gaze was tender.

Maybe he already knew what John was trying to say even before John could find the words.

It felt like the most natural thing, John bringing breakfast for two every morning, asking Finch which take-out they'd order around noon, or putting a hand on Finch's shoulder to remind him how stiff it'd become in the night.

He learned things along the way. Finch preferred sugar icing over creams. Finch was the best info feeder John'd ever worked with, but when nervous or in aftershocks he talked trivial things in details as if surrounding himself with information was the most reassuring thing in the world. Also, as a genius, Finch sometimes made entirely nonsense decisions.

When John rushed back for Theresa, he didn't expect to see him there. Finch came to him, in the middle of a gang heist, making up John's own reckless move. Things like those made John a bit crazy for reasons he hadn't yet understood, but he knew what he wanted. He wanted to keep Finch safe and to make sure he got everything he needed - an odd idea given how'd someone give Finch anything he hadn't already had? But John had skills, which Finch needed, apparently. John was a man cherished daily life moments, and he could share those with Harold, too.

A moment followed by another, one breath and then one more, Finch was the one person who shared the most breathing hours with him.

Then, came Charlie Burton.

"How many numbers will come up because we saved this one?" He snapped.

It wasn't fair. Neither of them could foresee it. John shouldn't take it out on Finch, but he found it hard to hold himself back. How shameful to meet the same demon again, trying to do something good but ending up causing more harm. Maybe he should've stayed aside.

After a whole day of silence, he told Finch he wanted out. Like what Finch had promised the first day they met, he handed over a package without question, judgment, or, well, persuasion. Finch did look sad. Or, was it only John's projection? But he couldn't stay in either case.

The first few days were the worst. John woke up in the morning knowing he didn't need to. He paced back and forth in the hotel room with nowhere to go, nothing to do. Then, his one foot almost stepped on the other when a horrible truth came to his mind. If he'd learned anything, just one thing, he knew Finch would continue their mission, alone.

John wasn't as resourceful, and Finch was hard to follow. But he managed to spot him at a bookstore. After he left, John entered the bookstore and a few questions later John felt light-headed. He thanked the owner absent-mindedly and left the bookstore.

It wasn't a regular number. Damn, it was an international spy. What would an ex-spy want other than to avenge? And they'd crush everything standing in their way. Finch was sending himself into trouble. No way. Finch needed him. Before noticing, John was already climbing stairs of the library.

Finch looked confused and a bit lost. John's regret reached its peak since they parted ways. Take me back, John forced those words back and said something else instead, something teasing, probably, he wasn't listening to himself.

They worked as if nothing had happened.

After the case closed, John put the unopened package beside Finch's elbow. Finch glanced at him, and John was holding his breath.

"Is it safe to say welcome back, Mr. Reese?"

"Can't leave you unprotected." John tried to make his tone feather light, but he meant it, deep down, he knew Finch needed his skill.

And John needed him.

He took the job because Finch was right about him wanting to protect people. And if he'd found the one person he would give everything to keep safe, he should never leave him.

Things went back to track. Everything was good. Too good that John almost forgot that wasn’t how his life supposed to be.

When Kara sat in front of him in the diner, every cell of him was screaming. Threat. He had to inform Finch. Stay put. Don't come. Something's up. Sure, it was nice to see Kara alive, to confirm it with his eyes, but happy and relief weren't the dominating emotions here.

"Don't bother to warn the boss." Kara was looking at her fingernails. "I'm busy. Not in the mood."

"What do you need?" John's tone was more hostile than he'd imagined if they met again. How much did she know about Finch? What was this all about?

"You've been making lots of noise, John. NYPD is right behind your ass."

"Don't know you care. But leave it to me."

"Sure. And our old pal. You don't even care to lay low, do you? Made my work a lot easier."

Mark. John tensed at the thought. Couldn't say he never expected it, but he preferred it later. "What are you up to, Kara?"

"Haven't decided yet." Kara stood up, and before heading to the door, she said, "Watch out, John, you might draw out something I want."

John wondered if Finch knew about his encounter with Kara. He might be listening, but John didn't bring it up. Never. Kara was the part of his past he couldn't control. The thought of his old debt came to mess with Finch's life tasted like ash.

Things went south sooner than expected. How ironic, there were times all he thought about was to die, but Mark only decided to show up now when he finally had something to look forward to waking up, and someone... Someone to miss falling as- No stop here. He breathed painfully. Don't think further. Don't go that way.

And he shouldn't answer that call, either. He'd long known whatever he wanted he'd lost them in the end. But just because he learned not to ask, didn't mean he had no desire. And he was sweating and bleeding all over and was soon about to die. It'd be nice to hear his voice one last time. Let it be the last thing connected his existence to the world before he lost it anyway. He touched his earpiece.

"I've been trying to call you, John."

He'd made up his mind. He'd say thank-you. He hoped Harold knew how important he was to him. And he'd ask him to stay away. It was only reasonable. He'd understand.

But Mr. Finch never intended to give him an easy job. He was unpredictable, illogical, and the most frustrating person he'd ever known.

Finch showed up like the first day they met, greeting him in the middle of his path toward death. John hated the way his body reacted to it. It was euphoric. He didn't want to feel it.

"Harold." He swallowed, lying in the backseat. Sorry about your car- No. That was not what he wanted to say. "Finch."

"What?" Harold's voice sounded strange. "Hold on, Mr. Reese."

Words he was trying to form in his mouth somehow tasted like rust. He was going to chock if he kept it that way. He breathed, slowly. Okay now stop here. Think about something else before he went completely insane.

"You should leave me alone."

Harold didn't answer. John stared at his tightened jawline, within reach, but also so far away. The emptiness in his stomach made his limbs weak.

You should've let me die.

It was painful, but not because of those gunshot wounds. He knew every part of human body and each kind of pain it could feel, and this wasn't one of them. This came from somewhere he didn't recognize as a part of him for a very long time.

But I'm beyond happy to see you.

After the longest time in the dark, he wanted to ask for something, devastated and ecstatic at the same time because he just figured out he wanted to be alive. And he wanted to live in this one life, even if he'd lose it in the end, even if he didn't deserve it.

He wanted to see this man for more, more time.

(the companion chapter: Harold Finch)