#giant bearded fig

[melanieph321]

Ruben Dias x Reader - The Handyman 18+

It's the outfit 🙈 it's giving DIY Ruben.

Summary - Readers apartment needs fixing and Ruben "The Handyman " comes to her rescue.

Enjoy!

It took you three days to put up the shower curtains in your bathroom. You guessed that putting up a small bookshelves should take you twice the amount of time. What did you know about putting up shelvs anyway?

The town that you lived in had a small hardware shop across from the café where you worked. You had never been in there before so showing up at 6 o'clock on a Tuesday night was a bit inconvinient.

"Hey."

A bell rang as you pushed the door open. The guy who stood behind the front counter was too busy tinkering away with scrap metal to catch your eye, so you shrugged your shoulders and continued down one of the aisles.

Tools and bolts hung on every wall. You bet your ex boyfriend knew all of terms for them as he usually was hostile enough to brag about what a handyman he was. Perhaps he was the reason why you were so stubborn about getting this bookshelf up as soon possible. You subconsciously wanted to show your ex that you were handy too.

"What do I need, what do I need?" You mumbled, having already collected a few things in your shopping basket. Mostly nuts and tape rolls. You had a screwdriver at home, so no need for a new one. A first aid kit would be a good investment, you thought. After all, this would be your first time putting up a shelf on your own.

"Do you need help?"

A giant shadow was casted around you as you stood facing a wall of hammers. Turning around you found yourself face to face with the guy from behind the counter. He had dark eyes that looked at you attentive and a scruffy beard that covered most of his face. His hair was more fluffy than scruffy and the same color as his eyes, dark, but not black.

"Um...no. Thank you. I was just..." You pointed to the basket in your arm. "...I was just collecting a few things."

His gaze shifted between your face to the basket in your arm. It took him long enough to give you any sign of a smile, you thought.

"I'll be up front if you need me." He said, pointing over his shoulder.

"Right, thanks."

He was strange, but undeniably handsome. He smelled good too, like mens aftershave with a dash of cinnamon.

You continued wandering up and down the aisle, not really sure what you were looking for. What did one need to put a piece of wood to a wall?

"Are you sure that you don't need my help with anything?"

It was they guy from the front desk again, casting a giant shadow as he stood hovering over you. He looked agitated that you were still in his shop, unsure of what to purchase.

"I'm sorry." You chuckled. "I'm putting up a bookshelf and I have a hard time deciding..."

"A bookshelf?" He said, peering into your shopping basket with a skeptical look on his face.

"Yes, a bookshelf." You frowned.

He shook his head. "Why the tape rolls?"

"Oh, that..." You looked into your basket, unsure why you suddenly felt embarrassed. "Everyone needs tape right?" You shrugged.

"Not to put up a bookshelf." He snorted.

You looked to the named tag pinned to his flanel jacket, Ruben, it said.

"Well, what do you know?" You hissed.

He raised a brow. "Well I know that my shop closes at seven. You've got five minutes to find whatever you're looking for and get out of here."

You gapsed. "That's not a nice way to talk to a costumer."

"Thank god you're not a costumer then." He smirked. "Costumers actually buy things."

"Okay, fine!" You shouted, stopping him from turning his back on you. "The truth is that I don't know the first thing about putting up shelves."

"No shit." He chuckled, but crossed his arms in front of him as to say that you had his attention.

"I just moved here. Usually my ex boyfriend handled these kind of DIY stuff but I'll be damn to call him and say I couldn't handle a month without him, let alone put up a bookshelves on my own. So if you please see the desperation I am coming to you with, you'll help me figure how to do this."

The guy, Ruben, stood quietly, observing you with furrowed brows.

"What?" You asked. The staring got to a point where it made unwanted heat rise to your face.

He sighed. "Give me a minute to close down the shop. "

"Your closing?"

He returned to the counter flickig off the lights on the go. "I'll get my toolbox and meet you around back."

"Um...okay. Meet me around back to do what exactly?"

"Well, you needed my help putting up a shelf didn't you?"

He went to get his toolbox and ten minutes later you were in his truck, making it's way to your apartment.

"Excuse the mess." You said, showing him how to maneuver around the moving boxes still scattered all over your apartment.

Ruben didn't seem to mind the mess though, perhaps he's worked constructions before.

"Here is the shelf and this is the wall I want it up on."

It was just a pile wood beneath an empty wall in your bedroom. You had gotten as far as to unbox the model and read the instructions, but you gave up after that.

"You said you had a screwdriver?" He said.

"Oh yes, I'll go get it."

You went to fetch the screwdriver. When you returned Ruben sat crotch down on the floor, reading the manual that came with the bookshelf. He had removed his flanel jacket, tossing it on your bed. He wore a white t-shirt underneath, a shirt that revealed his lean body and swollen biceps.

"Do you know how to turn it on?"

"Huh?"

Your eyes diverged from his arms back to his face. Ruben was watching you where you stood in the doorframe.

"The screwdriver? Do you know how to turn it on and use it?" He said.

"No." You shook your head and handed it to him. "Go nuts."

A smile carved his cheeks. "Sure, I'll go nuts."

What would have taking you three days to achieve Ruben did in fifteen minutes. The shelf was put up on the wall and topped up with books in no time.

"I have no words." You said as the two of you stood back, inspecting the way the shelf sat up on the wall.

"It's a nice shelf." He nodded.

"Thank you Ruben, I don't know what I would have done without you."

He stared at you with furrowed brows.

"What?"

"How did you know that my name was Ruben?"

"Oh." You pointed to his chest, where his name tag would be if he was still wearing the flanel jacket. "It said so on your name tag."

He nodded and went to gather his tools back into his box. You thought about giving him the screwdriver as a payment for his services, but perhaps you would need it later.

"You're welcome then Y/N." With the toolbox in the other, Ruben stretched out a hand for you to shake.

You frowned. "How did you know my name?"

"Oh I..." He scratched the back of his head. "You wear a name tag too, don't you?"

"I do?"

"Or I've seen you do at the café."

"Oh." You nodded. It was just across the street from the hardwear shop. He must be in there for a coffee every day, most people in town were. How come you hadn't noticed him before, you thought.

"I usually grab my coffee to go." He said. "And I usually come just before lunch when there is a line."

You nodded understandingly. "It can get pretty busy."

"But you seem to handle it quite well tho." He said, his eyes a bit hesitant to meet yours.

"I do?"

He shrugged. "You always have time to smile at your costumers, say  goodmorning and wish them a nice day."

"It just standard costumer service." You said flustered, praying that the heat in your face didn't show.

His smile was subtle but there. "This ex boyfriend of yours, is he from here?"

"No actually, I just moved here a month a go. I don't really knowing anyone here."

"Welp, now you know me." He said, shutting his toolbox.

"Now I know you."

Ruben led the way around your apartment back to the front door. He paused however,  at the sight of the mess in your living room.

"Is that supposed to be your dining table?"

"Suppose to be, is definitely the right word for it."

Ruben didn't hesitate to crouch down on the floor again, setting down his toolbox.

"Ruben you don't have to."

"I want to." He objected.

You were glad that he did because twenty minutes later you had gotten self a brand new dining table.

"Is there anything else that needs fixing?"

"Besides my pride?" You chuckled. "I don't think so. But thank you Ruben."

He looked at you with those eyes again, smiling at you without having to move a muscle.

You blushed without hiding it this time. There was no point in trying because Ruben was standing close enough to reach out and touch you, suprising you that he did just that.

"Y/N."

His hand wrapped around your arm, tugging at it slightly. The veins in his arms throbbed with the grip he had around you, pulling you forwards, towards him.

"Yes?"

There wasn't much to say before his lips crashed into yours. You had sensed the sparks between even back at the hardware shop. Ruben back you up against the newly built dining table, lifting you to sit on it with your legs spread before him. His hand grab your face, tilting it upwards as he kissed your lips. It was hot, so hot. You tugged at the sides of his flanel jacket, wanting it come off. He chuckled against your mouth before stepping away to throw it off his shoulders.

"Do you have a condom?" You asked, better be safe than sorry.

He pulled the rubber out of his back pocket, however, not ready to use it just yet. He returned to stand between your legs, pulling your face against his for another wet kiss.

"You're so fucking sexy." He groaned.

You gasped as his lips moved on to your neck where he licked and sucked you skin to the point of your eyes rolling back in your head.

"Ruben." You said, words airy.

"Yes?"

"Fuck me."

With one swift motion he pulled your shirt over your head. His hand went to your throat, guiding you down to lay with your back against dining table. You arched with the cold sensation from the wood. Rubens snaked a hand underneath for your back to stay arched. He unclipped your bra and ripped the rest of the fabric from your chest, exposing your errect breast.

"Ruben please." You couldn't take it anymore. His erection pressed against your thighs and all you wanted was for him to be inside you.

"Be patient baby."

"No, please. Fuck me now."

It had been a while and just by his touch you could tell that Ruben was much better at sex than your ex boyfriend ever was.

"So eager. " Ruben chuckled. His hand traveled down to your jeans, teasing you by pulling down the zipper.

"Fuck." You whimperd, when he slid his hand down your panties, finding your soft folds, massaging your clit.

"Yes, Ruben please." You were, close, so close.

"No." You whimperd, feeling his hand pull out of your jeans. You tried to sit up but Rubens hand on your stomach kept you down, pressed to the dining table.

"Together." Ruben whispered, his thumb stroking your bottom lip.

You grabbed a bundle of his shirt pulling him down to have his weight over you. His arms cradled your face as he kissed you open mouthed. Finally you felt him fiddle with his belt, loosen it up before pulling himself out of his pants, all this whilst his lips were still attached to yours. He backed away for a moment but only to tugg at your jeans, helping you remove them. Your naked legs were spread before him as you watched him bite the corner off the condom packaging, dressing hick cock with the rubber. You bit your lip as he approached you with a hungry look in his eyes.

"Don't move." He commanded, a firm grip around your throat, pinning you back against the table. He adjusted himself between you, lifting up your leg to make the entery smoother for you.

"Fuck." You still weezed, eyes squinted. Ruben was big, perhaps too big.

"You okay?"

You nodded, "Please harder."

He didn't listen to you but continued to press himself further into you, slow enough for you to adjust to his size. The thrusts came in waves. Slowly at first but then with a crashing force, rattling the wood beneath you.

"Don't break the table." You gasped.

He chuckled. "Don't worry, I'll build you a new one." He upped the pace, filling you up with each thrust. It was over when he lifted you thigh to rest on his shoulder. Two pumps and that was it. You moaned his name for everyone to hear, coming down from the release with a pounding heart in your chest.

"Ruben?" You whispered.

He had come shortly after you, relaxing his body to rest on top of you.

"Ruben?"

You ran your hands through his now damped hair, releasing each knot with your fingers.

"Yes?" He mumbled, somewhere beneath you. He was still inside you, his dick twitching against your glistering folds.

"I have a lamp..." You said, no need to say more.

Ruben raised his head to look at you.

You smiled.

He nodded. "Alright, I'll be back tomorrow."

[themurphyzone]

Nova Ch 12

AN: I’ve been waiting to write this chapter for so long! Can you believe it’s been a year since I started this story? 

Ch 12: Mare

AO3 Link

Dear Mickey Mouse Calendar, 

It’s May 2nd, and you know what that means! Well, besides bringing May flowers of course! The flowers are going to be so beautiful this year, I can tell! Especially once they bring the butterflies and the birds and the bees! Oh dear, do you think Brain knows about the factory in the sky that produces cute little mouse babies? I hope so. 

Anyway, the beautiful, lovely, fantabulous Pharfignewton’s gonna be running in the Derby in just a little bit! She’s worked really really hard to get this far, and I’m super proud of her! She’s gonna be one step closer to the Triple Crown when she wins! 

Anyway, I’m running out of room on this page, so I just wanted to say I love you, Figgy Pudding! May the best mare win!

Love, 

Pinky 

o-o-o-o-o

Pinky added a heart by his name with a sparkly pink gel pen and blew a kiss to the image of Mickey and Minnie driving a cute little car into the sunset. Then he recapped the pen, washed his hands of extra glitter, and returned to the TV, which had been tuned into the Kentucky Derby for the past two hours. 

They were still conducting pre-race interviews with the owners, jockeys, and trainers. Though there were several saddled horses with colorful numbers in the background, none of them were Pharfignewton. 

But they were still very beautiful horses, clopping around on the dirt-covered track as they flicked their ears and tails in anticipation of the race.  

Several boxes of leftover pizza and paper plates were laid out in front of the television.. It was so nice of the scientists to throw a pizza party and let them have the leftovers! Pepperoni, mac and cheese, and pineapple pizza were all so delicious, and they tasted even better when all three were combined on a single slice! 

Pinky popped a pineapple cube in his mouth, giggling as it stung his tongue. Then he turned to his hat, which laid a short distance away from the leftover pizza so it didn’t get soiled. Lovely, glittery red and purple roses decorated the outside of the hat, and every inch was decked with colorful feathers, encouraging messages, and Pharfignewton’s name so everybody for miles around could see he was rooting for his favorite horse. 

Since the hat was too big and heavy for him to wear throughout the pre-race festivities, he decided to just put it on a few minutes before the race instead.

And it was so sweet of Gummy, Madame Daisy, Nicholas, and Mr. Button to support Pharfignewton! They were all gathered in front of the TV so they could watch the Derby too! 

Pinky’s ear twitched at a gagging noise on his left, and he turned his head just in time to see Brain spit a chunk of pineapple onto a napkin. 

“Of all things, why in Selene’s name would you ruin perfectly good cheese with battery acid?” Brain snapped. He immediately dunked his muzzle into a thimble of water. 

“Batteries aren’t a pizza topping,” Pinky said. Did batteries look like pineapples on New Selene? “And pineapple pizza tastes delicious!” 

Brain scowled as he shoved the paper plate with his barely touched pineapple pizza slice towards Pinky, then grabbed a new plate and loaded it with two slices of pepperoni. 

“I’m outlawing that vile piece of filth you call food as soon as I rule the world,” Brain declared. 

“You can’t do that!” Pinky cried. What was next? Declaring pumpkin spice illegal? He would never support such an awful law! “That’s...that’s just unconstitutional! A breach of power! I won’t stand for it, Brain!” 

Then he realized he was standing up to grab the pineapple pizza slice, so he promptly sat down and chomped on pineapple, tomato sauce, and bread to prove his point. 

Brain wrinkled his nose, but before he could reply, the TV panned to show a beautiful, gray-maned white horse prancing in circles around her jockey, nearly tying him up in her reins. 

“That’s her! That’s Pharfignewton!” Pinky yelled, spewing tomato sauce from his mouth. “Hi, Fig! It’s me, Pinky!” 

Pinky quickly set his pizza down and slipped the hat on, sitting underneath the brim while the rest of the hat was propped against the counter. He hoped Pharfignewton could see the messages he’d written. 

“The cameras aren’t two-way, Pinky,” Brain said, but Pharfignewton whinnied happily, so Pinky knew she could hear him from thousands of miles away! 

She wore a beautiful pink cloth over her back with the number fifteen emblazoned in white, with a brown saddle on top. She tossed her head back and whinnied, her reins quivering in the sunlight. Her jockey slipped a pink mask over her face, and when she turned to look at the camera, her gorgeous blue eyes stood out even more. 

“You have quite the unusual horse here, Mr. Gardner,” the reporter said to Pharfignewton’s owner, who Pinky recognized by his bushy beard. “Not much of a looker, nor was she sired from any famous line of racehorses. And only one fellow’s bet on her at all.” 

Pinky frowned. Not much of a looker? That reporter’s obviously never seen Pharfignewton with the wind flowing through her mane, or the joyful neighs whenever she galloped around a field, or how she practically glowed whenever she ran. 

Mr. Gardner leveled a glare at the reporter, who withered from the intense look. “Pharfignewton may have a different build from her fellow racehorses, but she’s a hundred times more passionate about racing than anyone else. It’s true that neither of her parents have competed on the national level, but she’s inherited her mother’s spirit and her father’s diligence, a mixture of traits which will suit her well today.” 

“Yes...I’m sure it will,” the reporter muttered. His eyes darted to a chestnut horse with a yellow cloth draped over his back. “Oh, would you look at the time? I don’t believe I’ve gotten a chance to talk with Mayoneighaise’s team yet!” 

He scurried off, the cameraman trailing behind him. 

A board flashed onscreen, showing the horses’ names and numbers before cutting to commercial. 

“Mr. Legs? Friendly Neighborhood Racehorse? Is this entire competition just an excuse to saddle these poor creatures with horrific names?” Brain asked over the noise of a car commercial. 

“You can’t saddle a name. You saddle horses, Brain,” Pinky said. Brain could be so confused sometimes. 

“And they barely gave Pharfignewton the time of day,” Brain added. “But they dedicated a full fifteen minutes to Arabian Night’s training sessions.” 

Pinky shrugged. “Well, Arabian Night worked really hard. He deserved that time. And so does Maximus and Maverick and Black Beauty and Rainbow Dash and-” 

“It’s blatant favoritism,” Brain cut in. 

The commercial break ended, and the broadcast showed a female reporter approaching an enormous, muscular black stallion with a comically small jockey leading him by the reins. He bore a royal purple cloak with number one written in a fancy golden script on his back. The horse was so dark that Pinky could barely see his eyes or mouth. 

“And here we have the clear fan-favorite, Daddy’s Little Angel,” the reporter declared as she carefully approached the horse, who huffed when she got too close to his muzzle. She pulled back, keeping her microphone close to her body. “An excellent track record locally and regionally, highest odds tonight, and a descendant of the famous Triple Crown winner Secretariat. He sure has a lot going for him, don’t you think?” 

Daddy’s Little Angel was stoic and handsome, and as his owner and trainer listed off his various accomplishments, Pinky crossed his fingers and toes for good luck. Pharfignewton had a whole lot of competition. Sure, she was the fastest racehorse around these parts, but in the Derby she was a small goldfish in a large aquarium full of other fish. 

“Zort! Nope, can’t think like that!” Pinky said, thumping his head with his fist. He didn’t want to have doubts about her talent! She was the best, the swiftest, and the fastest at eating apples and hay! There’s no way she could lose! 

“Quiet, Pinky. I’m trying to listen,” Brain said. His pink eyes gleamed with interest as a montage of Daddy’s Little Angel’s previous feats flashed across the screen. “I wouldn’t be opposed to owning a horse like that for ceremonial purposes.” 

“Parading around on Pharfignewton sounds lovely,” Pinky sighed dreamily. 

He imagined Pharfignewton in a beautiful golden outfit, bells on her reins, and prancing down the street to a cheering crowd while he rode on her back. And there were pretty parade floats and celebrities singing and giant balloons of all his favorite characters! 

He was broken out of his fantasy by the sound of a fanfare. 

“Attention, all riders and horses! Clear the track and proceed to your stalls! The race will commence shortly!” the announcer declared. 

The camera lingered on Daddy’s Little Angel for just a little longer before panning out for a wide shot of the horses and jockeys making their way to the starting point, the trainers leading the horses by the reins and securing them in the stalls. 

Fifteen horses dressed in colorful racing garb whinnied and bucked their hind legs in anticipation of the race. Daddy’s Little Angel was in the first stall, the one nearest to the fence. Next to him, a majestic, stout white horse named Maximus took the number two slot. Like Daddy’s Little Angel, he was poised, calm, and determined to win. 

Most of the other horses were far more impatient though. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t quit stomping in her stall, and Maverick gave her a warning nip when her tail flicked him one too many times. She didn’t like that at all, and both jockeys fought to get their horses under control. 

A cinnamon stallion named Spirit thrashed in his stall, nearly throwing his rider off multiple times while two other people tried to calm him down. 

Then they finally showed Pharfignewton. She was in the stall closest to the stands, and while she was penned securely, the workers were all focused on the skittish racehorses. 

Pharfignewton flashed a horsey smile to the audience, then lowered her head in anticipation for the race to begin. 

Pinky’s fingers, toes, and tail were all crossed. She had to win! This was her dream ever since she was a little filly!

“And they’re off!” the announcer declared as the bell rang and the gates opened. All fifteen horses galloped out of the stalls, kicking up dirt as their hooves thundered against the ground. “Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus off to an early lead! Horsin’ Around’s pulling ahead of Tricky Mickey and...oh! Spirit’s bucked his jockey! That’s gonna cost everyone behind ‘em some time!” 

The names and number display at the bottom of the screen shifted around as horses pulled ahead or fell behind. 

Pinky’s muscles tensed as Pharfignewton swerved to avoid a riderless Spirit, though Achilles’ Heel was unlucky enough to be caught on a back ankle by a flailing hoof. Pharfignewton fell behind Mr. Legs and Mayoneighase for a split second before increasing her speed and passing them as they reached the first turn.

Pharfignewton was truly in her element! Like a happy, gusty wind spirit! 

“YOU CAN DO IT, FIG!” Pinky screamed at the top of his lungs, and there was an angry shushing noise, followed by a parmesan packet smacking the side of his head. “Thanks for the parmesan, Brain!” 

“Onto the second turn!” the announcer continued. “Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus neck and neck! Rainbow Dash and Arabian Night fighting for third a mere two lengths away! Maverick trying to squeeze in but there’s no room! Hold onto your fancy hats, folks, this is shaping up to be a wild race!” 

Egad, he didn’t want to lose his fancy hat! Pinky clutched the edges with cheese-stained fingers. 

“Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus still leading the pack, but trailing them is Black Beauty and Grand Chawhee! Rainbow Dash and Arabian Night have fallen to fifth and sixth! Friendly Neighborhood Racehorse trying for a comeback while Maver-what’s this? Pharfignewton’s clawing her way up from tenth, ninth, eighth, seventh...now she’s passed Rainbow Dash! Ladies and gents, this could be the biggest recovery in the Derby’s history!” 

Oh, if only he remembered where he’d placed his cotton ball pom-poms! They’d come in super handy right now! 

Black Beauty and Grand Chawhee slowed down on the final turn, enabling Pharfignewton to easily overtake them for third place. Then she poured on the speed, closing in between Daddy’s Little Angel and Maximus.

“NARF! GO, PHARFIGNEWTON!” Pinky screeched, his hat tumbling off as he leapt to his feet. If he screamed loud enough, Pharfignewton could hear him all the way in Kentucky! And the power of friendship always worked for last-minute wins! His cartoons were never wrong! 

“It’s a straight shot to the finish! Maximus falls back by half a length! Ladies and gents, could this be the greatest upset in horse racing history? It’s Pharfignewton! No, Daddy’s Little Angel pulls ahead! Now Pharfignewton! Daddy’s Little Angel!” 

Brain was quiet, but from the twitch of his pointed ears and the way he leaned forward, Pinky knew he was just as invested in the race. 

The camera centered on the finish line, but Pinky couldn’t tell who crossed first. Pharfignewton and Daddy’s Little Angel galloped offscreen just as the rest of the pack, led by Maximus, finished after them. 

“WHAT’S THIS? PHARFIGNEWTON AND DADDY’S LITTLE ANGEL HAVE CROSSED THE FINISH LINE AT THE SAME TIME! TURNING THE FOOTAGE OVER FOR REVIEW SO WE CAN DECLARE THE WINNER!”

Pinky quickly found that crossing his toes while standing wasn’t the best idea. He fell flat on his face, but quickly pushed himself up on his elbows as the Derby logo flashed by and replayed the last few seconds of the race in slow motion. 

Pharfignewton and Daddy’s Little Angel’s legs were just one giant blur next to the finish line, but the reel paused on a shot of Pharfignewton’s flaring nostril crossing the line before Daddy’s Little Angel’s front hooves touched it. 

Pinky sucked in his breath. 

“PHARFIGNEWTON HAS BEEN DECLARED THE WINNER! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR VICTORY OVER THE 141ST KENTUCKY DERBY!” 

“She did it! She did it! Lo hicimos, she did it!” Pinky jumped for joy, his heart soaring in excitement for Pharfignewton. She was three years old and she’d accomplished so much! He was super duper extra proud of her! 

Brain rolled his eyes, but there was a tiny quirk at the corner of his mouth. “Yes, it seems all your supportive efforts have paid off.” 

Pinky grinned and tore off a cardboard flap of the pizza box, dumped parmesan cheese all over it, and stuffed it into his mouth.

Nothing tasted better than a victory pizza box with parmesan! 

“Want some?” Pinky offered a second flap to Brain. “It’s delicious!” 

Brain made a gagging noise. “That can’t possibly be good for your digestive system, Pinky.” 

Oh well. More for him then! 

Pharfignewton’s back was draped with beautiful roses, her team of humans all rushing up and hugging her as journalists bombarded them all with questions and photographers snapped photo after photo of her horsey smile. 

Daddy’s Little Angel trotted up to her with a flower crown in his mouth and dropped it onto her head, then drummed the ground steadily with a front hoof in his version of applause. All the other horses followed his lead. Even Spirit and Achilles’ Heel, who were being restrained by a team of trainers, gave their approval. Pharfignewton whinnied in delight, tossing back her head and showing off the beautiful crown. 

She really was the best. Pinky clutched his chest, that warm gooshy feeling of love spreading throughout his body. 

He couldn’t contain it much longer, and he picked up Brain to let it all out, and he danced around in joy with a squirming Brain in his arms. 

“Pinky, I understand that this outcome is most favorable, but I demand that you cease this at once!” Brain complained. 

But Pinky barely heard him. He was more interested in what Mr. Gardner had to say. 

“Pharfignewton did an amazing job and we’re very proud of her,” Mr. Gardner said as he fed Pharfignewton an apple, which she gladly inhaled. “Running’s in her blood, and I’m sure she’s made her parents very proud in equine heaven. She’s definitely gonna take the Preakness and Belmont by storm.” 

“You think she’s capable of gaining Triple Crown status?” the reporter asked. 

Pharfignewton neighed loudly in her direction, messing up the reporter’s hair. 

As the reporter struggled to fix it, Mr. Gardner smiled. “I think she made it clear that she takes what she wants.” 

Two more races for the Triple Crown. Right. 

Pinky stopped dancing, an odd but featherlight weight in his arms. In his excitement, he’d forgotten that Pharfignewton had to win the Preakness and Belmont for her dream to come true. 

It wasn’t that she couldn’t do it. She was a swift runner and the best racehorse in the world. But she would be gone for several months. All the way on the other side of the country. 

And he wanted her to achieve her dream so bad. To rank up there with the great racehorses of old. 

“Pinky?” a voice choked. 

He was accidentally squishing one of Brain’s antennae. Oops. 

“Sorry, Brain,” Pinky quickly said, putting his friend down. 

Instead of stepping away like Pinky expected, Brain remained where he was. Brain was too good at forming unreadable expressions. His pretty pink eyes seemed concerned though. 

“This is a momentous occasion, isn’t it?” Brain asked. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating?” 

Was that Selenian speak for happy? 

Yeah, he was supposed to be happy. Pharfignewton won. He was really happy for her. He didn’t want Pharfignewton to think he was a bad friend because he was sad about not seeing her for a while. 

“Of course I’m happy for her,” Pinky said. But it was flimsy even to his own mousey ears. 

Brain didn’t seem convinced either. One hand awkwardly hovered in the space between them. 

A little touch would be nice, and he held super still so Brain wouldn’t get spooked. But a tapping at the window broke Brain’s trance, and upon the sight of a hovering black camera with the Selenian logo on its side, he quickly pulled away. 

“Correspondence from Snowball,” Brain said. His ears flattened briefly before returning to their normal position. Maybe he regretted breaking their closeness too. “I’m taking this.” 

He wiped his fingers on a wet cloth before unlatching the window. The camera darted in once the window was open, its tripod claws dropping an unmarked envelope into Brain’s hands before flying off into the brilliant evening sky. 

Well, it could’ve had pizza if it stayed just a little longer. 

Pinky moved behind Brain as he tore open the envelope and unfolded the note inside, which was written in a neat script. 

Pickup at seven pm tomorrow. Don’t be late. 

-Snowball

“Well, it’s better than nothing,” Brain sighed. “I’ll make sure we have everything required for tomorrow night, Pinky.” 

He didn’t wait for a reply. He only disappeared into a hidden drawer where all their belongings were stored. 

The masquerade ball was important. He shouldn’t keep Brain from making sure they saved the invitation so they could get in. 

And it would be nice to wear that beautiful dress Sharon picked out. 

But there was an ache in his chest. One that gnawed at his heart, and he didn’t want that icky feeling gnawing at his heart. Pinky sat in front of the TV and focused on Pharfignewton’s happiness instead. He pushed away the pizza, the box tasting like cardboard on his tongue. 

If she was happy, he was happy. And wasn’t that all he needed?

End AN: So as a little treat I snuck some fictional horse names in here. I mean, obviously you know Pharfignewton as Pinky’s equine girlfriend. Daddy’s Little Angel is the name of the horse Brain rode in the OG Animaniacs episode Jockey for Position.

Grand Chawhee’s name is a reference to All Dogs Go to Heaven. Tricky Mickey comes from the 1978 movie Casey’s Shadow, which I caught my family watching a few weeks ago and I just decided to borrow a name from the movie.

Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony, Maximus from Tangled, Black Beauty from the book of the same name, Spirit from the Dreamworks movie, and Achilles’ Heel is a reference to Phoebus’ horse in Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Mr. Legs’ name provided by Boxy. Thank you, Boxy. Snuck in Pinky actually eating a pizza box for ya lol.

Final placements for the Derby are:

1. Pharfignewton 2. Daddy’s Little Angel 3. Maximus 4. Grand Chawhee 5. Black Beauty 6. Rainbow Dash 7. Arabian Night 8. Friendly Neighborhood Racehorse 9. Mr. Legs 10. Maverick 11. Horsin’ Around 12. Tricky Mickey 13. Mayoneighase 14. Achilles’ Heel (never finished) 15. Spirit (never finished)

Next chapter will finally have the Masquerade Ball and boy do I have plans. It’ll definitely be longer than this one. But this chapter at least wraps up the Derby subplot.

[nightcoremoon]

weird opinion but christians aren't religious.

ok so like, jews generally follow god's rules, muslims follow allah's rules, hindus probably follow their gods rules, so on and so forth. and overall they do it out of faith; they do it because they want to honor the deity who loves them rather than because society forces them to.

granted the zionists and the radical extremists and the zealots do exist but as loud minorities and thus are statistical outliers & don't matter.

christians are... a different breed.

"if you aren't x branch and dont obey y rules you'll go to hell so we'll fucking murder you" is pretty much the main driving force behind a significant portion of christianity in history. the catholics, the protestants, the orthodoxy, all are built on a foundation of fear, anger, and hatred. it's shaped the way society developed; in the 4 nations that did the most genocidal imperialist colonialism- England, France, Spain, and Italy- a combination of convenient coastal locations, naval prowess, military tendency, christianity, and ultranationalism lead them down a path of missionaries, holding bibles in one hand and bloodstained knives in the other. the religion is inseparable from the culture and inseparable from the horrible things done in the name of their god, and the resulting cancers of society we feel today from the campaigns of slaughter. xenophobia. capitalism. savage barbarism via sensationalized capitol punishment. misogyny. queerphobia. gender fascism. classism. racism. all of these issues in the "civilized world" stem predominantly from those four nations and the disease ridden pestilent filth some call pilgrims.

here's something interesting:

there are less than 1 million rastafari in the world.

there are less than 5 million shinto in the world.

there are less than 25 million jews in the world.

there are less than 30 million sikhs in the world.

there are roughly 100 million african cultural religious adherents in the world.

there are less than 400 million chinese cultural religious adherents in the world.

there are about 500 million buddhists in the world.

there are about 1.1 billion hindus in the world.

there are about 1.2 billion nonreligious people in the world.

there are 1.6 billion muslims in the world.

and one final statistic

there are over 2.1 billion christians in the world.

the jewish count is a highball, rounded up, and includes several different definitions of jewish including people who are only one quarter. so for every single person who is even remotely jewish, there are more than 8 christians. for every hindu, there are 4 christians. for every atheist, agnostic, or "other", 2 christians. this frightening statistic should set off warning bells for everyone who is involved in a discussion about religion. and anyone who knows BASIC world history and can correlate data at all can probably piece together what I'm putting down.

now, I may be slightly biased here considering my eclectic religious beliefs. now, I personally believe that there is some primary force of energy that may or may not manifest itself as a humanoid being, that engineered the most basic laws of physics in the universe: atomic magnetism. as can be inferred by planck's constant and its implications, our universe is digital, written in binary. an electron either moves or doesn't move. there are no other options. so I genuinely believe in some form of intelligent design; whether it's a bearded guy on a cloud, some dude with six arms and an elephant for a face, just a big swirling pool of ectoplasm, or a big ol' plate of spaghetti and meatballs, something is out there that we are physically incapable of contacting from our plane of existence, just as a drawing on a piece of paper cannot reach out to interact with the world: a gif will move on its own but it will never acknowledge our existence, even if it could think by itself. and all the different mythologies of the world- egyptian, greek, norse, shinto, whatever- very well could be the agents of that unknown "god". perhaps anubis, ra, and bastet are just angels with animal heads that all of the peoples of ancient egypt saw and were like oh I guess this must be a god. maybe zeus and loki were the same person with a magic dick who fucked a bunch of animals in both greece and the scandinavian countries and spawned all of the horrible half-animal monstrosities that, idk, made vishnu think "well I have to kill that" and caused the biblical flood or something. maybe the jewish god gifted wisdom to siddhartha for sitting under a fig tree for 6 years through the angel pomona [roman goddess of fruit, had to google that one], so buddha gets his wisdom from demeter and is in nirvana right now right a step up from hades on yggdrasil the world tree keeping an eye on his charge persephone. any theory could theoretically be true but we ants of humans will never fucking know because we can't just point a telescope at the magellanic clouds and say "look, there's amaterasu with russell's teapot, and she's having tea with... *rubs eyes* lemmy kilmister??? wow I guess gods are real after all!" it's impossible to know the secrets of our universe because of the very restrictive nature of the universe itself. is it a circle? is it a donut? WE DONT FUCKIN KNOW.

we cannot know what religion is truthful.

""anyone who says that any one religion is more or less true than any other is a fucking moron, and if they're suggesting that White Western European Colonial Imperialist Protestantism is the one true faith, they're probably a fucking racist colonizer who beats his wife/sister and burns gays at the stake. and considering how that exact demographic is typically the one that murdered people for not converting to their religion, I don't think they have the intellectual non-deranged ability to make those logical connections.

again, I'm not saying that there AREN'T a lot of people of every religion who are evil assholes who contributed to mass genocide. israelites killed palestinians. shiites killed sunnis. hutus killed tutsis. danes killed geats. turks killed armenians. the ottoman empire has as much blood on its hands as the holy roman empire. germans who called themselves aryans but weren't actually aryan killed jews. but all of these tragedies were isolated incidents rather than repeated patterns over the course of two thousand years. not like christianity was and is.

just look at the United States, Canada, Mexico, Hong Kong, South Africa, Australia, & India's British Raj. Britain, France, Spain, and Italy, by extension Protestantism and Catholicism, are the shared factor between the long and bloody history fraught with massacring indigenous populations who wouldn't convert religions. native americans, indigenous canadians, latin americans but predominantly mexicans, the eastern chinese, coastal africans, aborigine aussies, indians- coastal coastal coastal. true the western chinese and the mongols/hunnu and xinjiang muslims haven't exactly been on civil terms and the silk road has always been a battleground and the middle east was already tenuous before murrica bombed them for oil but those happened in such a spread out area among asia which is FUCKING HUGE, MIND YOU! but also that's three high traffic places with massive diversity, it's human nature to have conflict, but not nearly to the same level as all of the shit christianity has done to the world. it's impossible to separate the religion from the cultures; victorian england without protestantism is just dirty people who die at 15 from having their 3rd child. italy without the catholicism is just grass and cheese. france and spain without religion are just kingdoms that fought wars with england for forever and now just make food that's one part delicious and three parts horrifying. religion is directly responsible for a significant portion of the evils those countries committed. one religion in particular.

they don't practice religion the same way as the rest do. they aren't faithful to their god. they don't follow his rules out of love but out of fear. they execute dissenters without a second thought, heresy they cry. they execute women and little girls for being free thinking or having sickness associated with mercury poisoning in the water, witch they cry. they slaughter men women and kids alike in the name of cramming their beliefs down the natives throats, we're chasing out the snakes they cry, we're bringing god to your godless people they cry, we're just civilizing you they cry. they shit in the streets and proudly display rotting corpses and leave the impoverished disabled and starving to die alone and whip their slaves and rape teenage girls and scrap in the streets while sopping wet with spilled ale over insignificant insults and stab people to death in the night and never even fucking BATHE, and they have the nerve to say the natives were uncivilized. the nerve. because hey. they read a magic book they stole from a culture who stole from another culture who stole from another culture, mistranslating each time from hebrew to greek to italian to english, and they think they're better because their skin is white.

christians never evolved. their mentalities have stayed the same. all thatms advanced has been technology. that's it. they're still the same evil disgusting degenerate bastards they always were. they just have the money they stole to buy stained glass windows, rosary beads, giant tacky metal statues, bigass robes, leather, and printing presses. and as time passed they used the money they continued to steal to buy cars and websites and radio stations and commit felony tax evasion and secretly molest children and line the pockets of the politicians.

all of their holidays are stolen from pagans anyway.

so fuck christmas. fuck easter. fuck lent. fuck the golden calf christian holidays that the tiny minded fragile snowflake conservatives lose their collective shit over because the pandemic response common sense stipulations won't let them buy the shit they can't afford with money they shouldn't have for people they don't even LIKE, all in the name of tradition, tradition! the rituals that worship something so much worse than satan or baphomet or pan or whatever: the dollar. they buy all the new shiny shit they can, at the expense of the chinese kids that the corporate pigs outsource to, buy the pine trees and the coca cola vunderbar and the fake mint corn syrup Js and watch the same shitty cookie cutter white supremacist hallmark fash movies and stuff their kids full of enough sugar to go into a goddamn coma when the african slaves who pick the cocoa beans will never get to know what actually being a kid will ever feel like because they're gonna die from falling into a combine harvester and be eternally forgotten to history and no christian will ever give a shit because they don't fucking care about what they don't see on their safe space news or hear on their safe space radio or read on their safe space social media. they think their worst sin is eating cheeseburgers so instead they'll go eat a mcchicken or chick fil a or an arby's chicken sandwich instead but not at popeyes because "that place is sketchy" and by that they mean they don't wanna eat where black people eat, that's why cracker barrel was so popular for so many white christians for so long because it had racially segregated seating until barely 20 years ago.

they don't love jesus. they love a paper doll they shove into their back pockets until every other sunday where they go to a fucking mall with a baptism waterslide and raise their hands like a bunch of dumbass weirdos and away to adult contemporary indie schlock with the word jesus pasted into a boring-ass hetero romance song, pat themselves on the back, then go to starbucks to scream slurs and misgenderings at 14 year old starbucks baristas who give them a cappamochalattechino instead of a fucking carmamochalattechino because you mumbled under the mask you didn't even fucking cover your nose with because you don't give a shit about the virus beyond how it inconveniences you.

they are horrible people who pretend to be good. until you suggest the slightest infinitely small inconvenience to them that would alter their holiday plans even the littlest smidge. then they would kill you if not for the police. don't get me started on them because you know by now what I'd say about those fuckers. but they'll gladly wear shirts about how they'll kill you. how they'll go back 200 years. how they'll murder you and watch you slowly suffer because their primate brains shoot a million endorphins when they watch things die by their hands because they never evolved a sense of empathy, compassion, or morality beyond how wearing a cross necklace will remove any of the consequences they will face in their afterlife.

they are horrible people who pretend to be good. unless you're gay or black or trans or Not Christian™ or mexican or disagree with them about politics economics sociology science technology music or movies. assimilate or die. assimilate or die. assimilate or die.

they don't deserve special treatment for their false idols.

they aren't better than jews or muslims.

they're worse.

so much worse.

and they should be stopped.""

-Nightingale Quietioca

save as draft arch draft bookmark draft where did I put my keys contra code kontra kode I need to remember this and copy it buzzwords keywords find it later please god tumblr don't bork on me this is good stream of consciousness repackage repackage change the words this is a great character study if I do say so myself thanks 3am me you're welcome 3am me

[inspector2ndclass]

The Mechanisms as Random Birds I Found on the Internet

Did anyone want this? No. Do I know anything about birds? Also no. Anyways, here’s a shitpost I spent way too long on.

Jonny d’Ville: Northern Mockingbird

First and foremost, here’s Jonny! An asshole! A bastard! An all around terrible person! He shall be a northern mockingbird. This fucking bird has no redeemable qualities other than that it is pretty and a GREAT singer. This is a very aggressive bird. Very territorial. If it had opposable thumbs, it would probably shoot you in like the foot or something. I don’t think these birds are very smart. Just like a certain “captain” that we know. The state bird of Texas, among all places. Never trust a texas. In true Texas fashion, the 1927 legislation declaring the Northern Mockingbird the state’s official bird stated that the species is “a fighter for the protection of his home, falling, if need be, in its defence, like any true texan.” Now Jonny burned down a Texas - maybe not this Texas but whatever. I read somewhere that a mockingbird could peck someone’s dick off, and honestly? Valid.

Gunpowder Tim: Southern Cassowary

Okay, hear me out. This bird is a little bitch - or rather a b i g bitch. In a good way. Look at this fucking bird. It’s majestic. Doesn’t it look just SO trustworthy. What a trustworthy man. And very pretty. Pretty, pretty bird. Who could squash you like a fucking ant. This is one Violent bird. Tim is one Violent person. The cassowary makes a low roaring sound like a fucking dinosaur. I love dinosaurs. DID I MENTION IT LAYS GREEN EGGS. Now you might say, well Tim is a human and humans don’t lay green eggs. Fuck you. It’s never explicitly stated that our very own Gunpowder Tim doesn’t lay green eggs. Also comes with a built-in helmet. As everyone except Tim and the southern cassowary says, safety first! Strikes me as a very egotistical bird. If the cassowary weren’t a bird, I don’t think it would wear a seatbelt.

Ashes O’Reilly: California Condor

Okay, so. This is a cool fucking bird. Just look at it. M a j e s t i c. Do you know who else is really fucking cool? Ashes. They have so much power. Also condors are beautiful birds. Oh my god. California condors are very graceful fliers. For Ashes, I almost went with the brown falcon - one of “Nature’s arsonists”, but other than arson, it’s a rather boring bird. Just brown. And a falcon. BUT THE CALIFORNIA CONDOR. Now that’s a cool bird. The god of the sky. Actually, in the “research” for this post I found a blog post in 2011 from someone who has genuinely worshipped condors as gods since they were a teenager and honestly? Valid. (disclaimer; I am aware that many native cultures worship animals and nature, however I don’t feel qualified to talk about that. I don’t mean any harm by this post.)

DrumBot Brian: Shoebill Stork

Well. I did have a rather difficult time finding a bird that has a complex set of moral values. Who would’ve thought?? I did almost use a praying mantis, just for a little variety. I’ve never met someone who wouldn’t rip off the head of their lover. BUT ANYWAYS. Here we have Brian the Shoebill Stork. He looks so nice. But he will not hesitate to decapitate your baby crocodile. Also very patient!! Like a dinosaur! This bird has the most complex set of moral values of any bird I could find in about thirty seconds. If Brian didn’t decapitate so many young crocodiles there would be much too many! Too many crocodiles! The horror! I’ve also seen a gif of Boring Brian delicately picking up a duckling and placing it back down. Dunno what happened after, though. Don’t ask. Apparently the shoebill stork makes “machine-gun noises” which I think Jonny would enjoy fucking around with. A place that I forgot to write down reportedly called the bird “Abu-Markhub” meaning “father of the slipper” which,,,, yeah.

Raphaella la Cognizi: Kea

Also known as the “clown of the alps”, the Kea resides in the mountains, as the only alpine parrot. Pretty cool. I want to be a clown. But like, a cool clown - not one that hides in a sewer and eats children… Anyways, I’m getting off topic. The kea is the smartest bird I could find. Raphaella is the science officer of the Aurora so it seemed fitting. Look at this photo. That’s science at work! Kea can use basic tools! And reportedly have the intelligence of a four-year-old child! That’s pretty smart! Also it has wings! Raph has wings! Apparently kea enjoy attacking sheep, dogs, horses, etc. and just generally fuck around with people. Imagine what this bird could do with opposable thumbs…

Marius von Raum: Victoria Crowned Pigeon

My criteria for Bird Marius was essentially a stupid looking bird with a ridiculously long name. I was originally going to go with the King of Saxony Bird of Paradise solely for the name (just look at it! It’s so dumb! Who the fuck is the king of saxony!) however it bored me. So! Here we have Doctor Baron Marius von Raum as the Victoria Crowned Pigeon (also sometimes referred to as the Blue Crowned Pigeon). Genuinely, this was my favourite bird as a child. I fucking love this funky little bastard. Apparently, it’s the largest pigeon species in the world and can grow to be the size of a turkey. A turkey! What the fuck! This bird thinks it’s all that. (I mean, it’s not wrong). It was named after Queen Victoria but like,,,,, Fuck The Monarchy. Also eats a lot of figs. The bird - not the queen. Or maybe the queen I dunno. Marius seems like the kind of person who hates figs but eats them anyways so he doesn’t feel inferior to the Fig Lord. How the fuck is this bird not extinct yet.

Ivy Alexandria: Common Raven

Ivy Alexandria, the Common Raven. Ravens are extremely smart! Like seriously - near where I live, there’s an animal shelter with a raven and you can hold a conversation with it. It’s amazing! They also have great memories and hold grudges - so don’t mess with them. Oh! They can also use hand gestures, which for birds is insanely cool! They are the literal “birdbrain”. Sometimes they collect little trinkets, which I think is really sweet. Now, I don’t believe ravens can read but like,,,,, I dunno. I read an article recently about ravens doing “weird things with ants”. Apparently they like to play with them. Ravens have been known to sit in an anthill and let ants crawl all over their feathers for no apparent reason. Now, while nothing has been canonically stated involving Ivy and ants, you can’t prove Ivy doesn’t go sit and hang out with a bunch of ants.

Nastya Rasputina: Andean Potoo

The Andean Potoo is the most mysterious breed of the seven or so potoo species; almost nothing is known other than their vague appearance and their stomach contents (large insects like beetles and grasshoppers, if you were interested). While we do know quite a bit about Nastya, I thought this bird fit her pretty well. In answer to the question “Are potoos friendly?” a website said: “The short answer is ‘no’. The slightly longer answer is ‘it depends’.” This sounds like Nastya and her lesbian spaceship girlfriend. Potoos are VERY good at camouflage; like Nastya in Aurora’s veins?? I dunno, might be a bit of a stretch. They are shy, secretive birds. Sounds fun. Potoos are also VERY good at catching insects and shit. This point might not be relevant, but whatever. Andean potoos might mate for life; scientists don’t know. Let’s say that they do. If Nastya were this bird, she could be eaten by a weasel. Weasels said fuck Nastya rights. Fuck weasels.

The Toy Soldier: Atlantic Puffin

OH MY GOD. I love the Toy Soldier. The Atlantic Puffin. I don’t have many reasons for this one other that IT’S ADORABLE. This is my favourite bird. Just look at it!!! Hnnnnnnn. Baby puffins are called pufflingssssss. Oh my god. Also look up the bird call of the atlantic puffin; it is the best thing ever. Puffins are very sociable birds and live in like giant flocks or something. They’re very neat birds and also waterproof! Like wood! They shed the outer layer of their beaks once a year! Like wood! They live in burrows! Like wood! They can hold a fuck ton of fish in their beaks! Like wood! They have a really fucking wierd tongue! Like wood!

BONUS: Dr. Carmilla: Lammergier (Bearded Vulture)

Do I know anything about Dr. Carmilla? Nope! I think she’s a vampire but like???? Anyways, just look at this bird. It’s pretty self-explanatory. The Lammergeier is one Badass Bird. It is one of the largest old-world vultures. I don’t know what that means. It can grow up to four feet tall, though! And has a wingspan between seven and nine feet. That’s a big fucking bird! They have no natural predators, much like a certain immortal vampire (maybe???). It eats primarily bone and bone marrow and has a nasty habit of carrying off lambs, calves, and dead children. Remind you of the Good Doctor and her Band? Probably not. I bet Jonny has eaten at least one dead child, though. The lammergeier can also live up to the ripe old age of 45 (old in bird years?). Supposedly a lammergeier killed the greek playwright Aeschelus by mistaking his large bald head for a rock and dropping a turtle on it. Sounds very Carmilla. BUT WAIT I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE BEST PART. This bird dies it’s fur the colour of blood to look more intimidating! Supposedly this is a mark of status, as well. That’s one badass bird!!!

WELL THAT WAS AN ADVENTURE. A useless adventure, sure. Fuck you. I had fun.

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E82 (Oct. 29, 2019)

Good evening! There’s a lot to talk about tonight, so let’s hop right to it. Pre-roll: a couple of mini-figs of Taliesin & Sam.

Plus, tonight Dani Cam is replaced by Jerry Cam, who responds with an eloquent “I don’t know” when asked if we’re on the internet tonight. These goofballs. Tonight’s guests: Taliesin & Sam, as anticipated.

We open with a cold argument over which side of the couch Sam has ever sat on before. Eventually, we make our way around to tonight’s announcements: the new show Mini Primetime, hosted by Will Friedle, premieres on the YT channel tomorrow at 7:30 PST with Sam as the first guest. PubDraw will air with Marisha & Matt tomorrow at 5pm PST. Undeadwood episode 3 airs this week; Sam didn’t realize it was airing and Taliesin hasn’t seen it. These kids.

Finally, we get to Episode 82: The Beat of the Permaheart

CR Stats: again, briefly derailed by Sam’s heckling. BWF: “A lot of hard work goes into this show.” Sam: “It does not look like it.” This episode set an all time record of natural 20s with 15. Taliesin felt like they were making “so many bad decisions that hardly mattered.” There was a four-episode tie of 14 before, including episode 26. BWF asks Jerry what happened in episode 26. Jerry does not know. Poor Jerry. Cad has given out over 2400 points of healing, which is five times Laura’s healing as Jester, even though he’s only been on the show a quarter of the time. Sam is asked if he understands what a Battle Mercy is. He does not. Jerry does not know this either. Taliesin explains it to us all, including that the pistol does a surprising amount of damage. (Well, he calls it a pop gun. It works. It’s fine.) Nott keeps the lead with the most HDYWTDT’s with 14. “Nott does a lot of damage. She’s a powerful little lady.”

Clay doesn’t understand any of the unnatural life things in the HFB - clones, soul jars - it’s all beyond him. He understands lichdom, but the rest is beyond him aside from the idea of cloning - like, cloning a tree by planting a new branch or grafting trees together. He has not absorbed the science of anything beyond that. “Percy’s sitting in the back of my head in so many of these fights going ‘nope, nope, nope, nope.’“ Caduceus’s very excited about the giant mouth.

Sam is not upset that he wasn’t asked to be in Undeadwood. He understands if he were on it he would be the unmitigated star and the most handsome, instead of part of an ensemble. BWF explains it was mostly about the fact that “Sam was born with a black hole inside him that sucks the joy and community around him inside of him.” Sam: “You know, it’s fine! You don’t need ratings, so it’s fine.”

Jerry, softly: “Brian, we’re thirty minutes in.” I abruptly admire and love Jerry.

Sam really enjoyed playing a large character during the ape polymorph; in the moment, Nott wasn’t giving it a lot of thought, but it was something she’s very interested in exploring and it definitely left a bit of a mark.

Caduceus thought the dreadnought was a shortcut, and he liked the metaphorical aspect of gently surrendering to the “big giant death metaphor” that felt appropriately symbolic, until they actually did it and discovered the very real monster inside.

We are, again, derailed by a primetime TV-esque popup of Will Friedle’s face in the bottom right with a text rollout advertising Mini Primetime tomorrow. BWF is genuinely appalled & speechless and fires everyone.

As regards time flying, both of them feel certain Travelercon will not be allowed to happen without Jester. (That makes one of us...)

Neither of them know what Oban’s final plan is, which is part of why they’re so worried. Is he trying to overthrow something, attack something, is he just causing chaos? They just don’t know. Taliesin likes getting as much information as possible before the confrontation. Sam gives Matt credit: as frustrating as it can be not to have all the answers in this campaign, it’s also a little addictive.

Cosplay of the Week: @baneb1ade on twitter with a genderbent Keyleth. It looks heckin’ AWESOME and his beard is amazing.

Caduceus has noticed Caleb’s hunger for magical power but is treating him like a recovering addict: he’s giving him space and trying to give him some respect & room.

Nott would not have gone into the dreadnought if not pulled in. “I, Sam Riegel, did not want to go in there!” Nott does not walk into a place unless she knows she can get out of it.

Caduceus is a non-aggressive Luddite. He feels it’s aggressive & a bit silly, but not really a threat. You need resources to make technology, so why would technology usurp nature. He does occasionally get a little worried about Nott’s final goals in some of these things. Sam: Nott has two purposes, keeping herself alive and keeping Caleb alive.

A lot of Nott’s violence is goblin instinct; Sam notes that while the lines between Veth & Nott are blurring now, he doesn’t know how much of Veth is really left.

Fanart of the Week: @riquezadilla on twitter with an adorable Beau & Little Willy portrait.

Ha! Arsequeef facetimes in because his tiny picture has moved off the skull for Halloween. He also gives a quick reminder that Mini Primetime with Will Friedle airs tomorrow at 7:30 & it’s hilarious. BWF places the facetiming phone against the skull in replacement. How cute.

Caduceus liked the idea of Jester communing; it’s a weird god, but they can use all the help they can get.

Nott understands how many messages Jester has to message (”she has 12 GB a month”) and doesn’t feel the need to see her family again right now since they saw them so recently.

Caduceus is occasionally irked when Jester puts down the Wildmother, but mostly he’s pretty fine with everything she does.

If Nott could understand something Caleb couldn’t, it’s only because he passed on his knowledge to her as a good teacher & he was having an off night.

Taliesin has two backup characters ready to go in case something happens to Caduceus. However, they’re at the point where unless something disastrous happens, they should be good to go. His main thought was that they were about to waste a very expensive diamond.

Marisha comes to take a nap on their laps. It’s unbelievably heartwarming.

We are again derailed about a very excitingly told story about a puppy placed on top of the fine imported easily-scratched bar top over the weekend. Sam had to leave pilates class because his phone was blowing up & he thought the studio was on fire.

Sam was expecting a world of horrors & a portal inside the dreadnought. Taliesin thought it would be a big metal ship. Marisha thought it would be an interdimensional submarine.

BWF breaks character for a moment to really compliment Jerry on him painstakingly putting together every mini house seen on Undeadwood. It took him two weeks of solid work.

And we out. Have a lovely week, and is it Thursday yet?

[myhauntedsalem]

32 INCREDIBLY WEIRD DEATHS

1. Brazilian Joao Maria de Souza was killed in 2013 when a cow fell through his roof onto him as he slept.

2. Clement Vallandigham, a 19th century US lawyer, accidentally shot himself dead while defending a murder suspect – because he was trying to demonstrate that a supposed victim could have accidentally shot himself dead. (It worked, because his client was acquitted.)

3. Canadian lawyer Garry Hoy died while trying to prove that the glass in the windows of a 24th floor office was unbreakable, by throwing himself against it. It didn’t break – but it did pop out of its frame and he plunged to his death.

4. In 2007 the deputy mayor of Delhi, Surinder Singh Bajwa, died falling off a balcony while trying to fend off a troupe of attacking monkeys.

5. Monica Meyer, the mayor of Betterton, Maryland, died while checking her town’s sewage tanks – she fell in and drowned in 15 feet of human waste.

6. Sigurd the Mighty, a ninth-century Norse earl of Orkney, was killed by an enemy he had beheaded several hours earlier. He’d tied the man’s head to his horse’s saddle, but while riding home one of its protruding teeth grazed his leg. He died from the infection.

7. The owner of the company that makes Segways died in 2010 after accidentally driving his Segway off a cliff.

8. Robert Williams, a Ford assembly line worker, is the first human in history to have been killed by a robot. He was hit by a robot arm in 1979.

9. In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead — he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20–1 outsider victory.

10. US congressman Michael F. Farley died in 1921 as a result of shaving – because his shaving brush was infected with anthrax.

11. Several people danced themselves to death during the month-long Dance Fever of 1518 in Strasbourg, during which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no clear reason.

12. Paul G. Thomas, the owner of a wool mill, fell into one of his machines in 1987 and died after being wrapped in 800 yards of wool.

13. Edward Harrison was playing golf in Washington state in 1951 when his driver snapped, and the shaft lodged in his groin. He staggered about 100 yards before bleeding to death.

14. In 1900, American physician Jesse William Lazear tried to prove that Yellow Fever was transmitted by mosquitoes by letting infected mosquitoes bite him. He then died of the disease. Proving himself right.

15. Russian physician Alexander Bogdanov performed pioneering blood transfusions on himself, believing they would give him long life. They actually killed him after he suffered an adverse reaction.

16. Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt thought he’d invented a device that could make men fly. He tested this by jumping off the Eiffel Tower wearing it. It didn’t work. He died.

17. In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beardrunning away from a fire.

18. The Greek philosopher Chrysippus of Soli is said to have died of laughter after watching a donkey trying to eat his figs.

19. British actor Gareth Jones died of a heart attack while performing in a live televised play in 1958 – in which his character was scripted to have a heart attack. The rest of the cast improvised around his death and finished the play.

20. Mary Ward was a pioneering Irish female scientist who is sadly better known as the first person in history to ever be killed in a car accident – while driving with her family in their experimental “road locomotive steam engine”.

21. And the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was Bridget Driscoll of Croydon, London, in 1896.

22. Carl Wilhelm Scheele was a brilliant Swedish chemist who had an unwise habit of tasting all the chemicals he discovered. He died in 1786 as a result of his exposure to lead, hydrofluoric acid, arsenic and various other poisons.

23. Engineer Horace Lawson Hunley pioneered submarine design in the American Civil War – although most of them sank. He died when his final model, named after himself, sank while he was in command of it.

24. General John Sedgwick was killed by a sniper in the American Civil War shortly after uttering the words “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.” (Contrary to popular belief, though, they weren’t his last words. They were his second-last. His last words were agreeing that dodging was in fact a good idea.)

25. Health fanatic Basil Brown managed to kill himself by drinking a gallon of carrot juice a day, in the belief it would make him healthy.

26. In 1992, Greg Austin Gingrich died in the Grand Canyon after jokingly pretending to fall to his death, then losing his footing and actually falling to his death.

27. Queen Sunanda Kumariratana of Siam (now Thailand) drowned in 1880 in full view of many of her subjects – because they were forbidden to touch her, so couldn’t rescue her.

28. The first people ever killed in an air accident were hot air balloon pioneers Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and Pierre Romain, in 1785.

29. And the first person ever killed in a powered aeroplane crash was Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge in 1908, in a plane piloted by Orville Wright.

30. An Irish woman died in 2008 after voluntarily having sex with a dog. The exact cause of death is unclear, although it was speculated that an allergic reaction to dogs might have been the cause.

31. Twenty-one people died in the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919, when a massive tank of molasses burst on a warm day, sending a 25ft high wave of sweetener through the city at 35mph.

32. And eight people died in the London Beer Flood of 1814, when a giant vat at a brewery burst, sending over 3,500 barrels of beer pouring though the nearby streets.

[jamiebluewind]

Character Descriptions for Fantasy High

Season 2, Episode 6

SPOILERS!

Yall... I don't even know if there's a point to doing this week because I currently wanna go hide under a rock for a week, but still. Also, keep in mind what was in the episode tonight for warnings as this is fairly detailed.

As always, let me know if I need to edit or add anything and tag/ask/PM me about art and stories so I can check them out!

***

New characters and additions to previously introduced characters...

Garthy: Plays harpsichord. Has red neon outline wings when they kneel at their shrine. The shrine room is filled with red, pink, and orange candles with a silvery pentagram drawn on the floor in chalk. The Gold Gardens is a complex celestial rune centered on their living quarters in the center (it has been hallowed) which makes them more powerful within their establishment (which is a pirate casino and brothel which also has shows, bars, massage parlours, baths, and spas).

Pirate janitor: Very old. Scruffy. Two peg legs. Walks with a waddle. Carries a mop.

Bill's Cult: 20 people (only 4-5 survive the battle). Wear robes, but have traditional pirate garb underneath. Many have eyepatches. All are poor and hungry. Four have repelling blast (including Chungle) which looks like a pure stream of golden coins which vanish in flame when they hit the target and sounds like a slot machine at Vegas. They have paid Bill nearly 350,000 gp for services.

Alester (sp?): Was left behind by Fabian during the battle (the only one of the warlocks left that wasn't dead and was still loyal to Fabian). Was prone and may or may not be dead

Creeky McBarrel: Parrot aarakocra that's best friends with Old Young Benjamin. No humanoid ears, but great hearing. Died from an attack from James Wicklaw.

Old Young Benjamin: Banderlog. Probably lives up in the rigging. 6.5 feet tall, but only 90lbs. Long limbed and gawky. Might walk on hands. Son of Old Benjamin, but there's a newer Young Benjamin which is why he's Old Young Benjamin. Bolted after Creeky was killed.

Chungle-Down Bimothy: aka Chungle-Down Bim. Gnome. Beard has been shaped into 6 distinct mustaches making a multi level huge mustache. Snaggle teeth of various materials including wood, silver, and gold. Scooped pasta into his coat. Probably crazy. Can do eldritch blast and repelling blast. Said Fabian was no pirate and Bill would spit in his eye. Attacked Fabian when Fabian fell back.

James Wicklaw: Uses a crystal cutlass which can deal psychic damage due to the sheer hatred he has for the Seacasters. Psychic damage ability that looks like heat coming off a hot grill that violently shook the warlock cultists so hard that they fell apart and died. Has eaten the brains of several of Fabian's siblings.

Nightmare Fabian: Sad doughy middle aged Fabian with a whisp of a comb over and a voice like Gilear. Soft papery wet hand. Button up shirt and slacks. Eats a lot of yogurt. Built a tourist attraction memorial to his father with beautiful sunny fields, giant marble Bill stature, wings of his father's accomplishments, and pictures of his father, his mother, and the house, but none of Fabian himself. Thinks the memorial is the best thing he could have ever done and says it defines his self worth. Said "Why would I put pictures of myself here? I don't deserve them. Very cocky. Papa wouldn't like it at all." followed by manic laughter.

Shadow Cat/Calina: Slit pupils with double eyelids. Cold and selfish with a false kind tone.

Fabian: After he jumped, he was covered in silk bloomers (with one over his head at the start) and found partially cocooned in underwear and ropes, hanging upside down 7 feet from the ground, and badly injured with blood dripping "up" his neck and face, through his silvery hair, and onto a puddle beneath him. At the end of the episode, he ripped off his Owlbears jacket (most likely discarded, but possibly stored, carried, or recovered) and put the eyepatch in his pocket (he also admitted earlier that he missed his eye), caught pneumonia (shaking with fever, vomited a couple times), soaked with seawater, and may or may not still have dried blood in his hair. He seems broken. Cathilda found him and put a blanket on him.

Riz: Healing black ink tattoos which have plastic wrap on them in the beginning. Are red and might be bleeding ans/or weeping (would being healed fix that?). Broken arm (was he healed? would it be sore?). Looked like a tiny bouncer while guarding Fabian.

Fig and Gorgug: Recovering from shoulder dislocation (both healed). Fig disguised herself as Jamina temporarily while zipping through the city. Both look like they've been in a cold temp drier for 45 minutes.

Kristen: Ribbon on a stick

Adaine: Razor scooter

Cathilda: Best mom energy

The Hangman: Sword of the Seacasters plunged through his engine and leaking oil. Strapped to the top of Van.

Sandra Lynn: At one point has shirt and shorts on backwards and mussed hair, but clothing was on normally by the end.

***

[nwbeerguide]

Our picks, the list, and you've been warned. Brouwer's Cafe's 18th annual Hard Liver Barleywine Festival runs February 29th & March 1st.

With the prospect of more rain in the forecast, the staff at Brouwer’s Cafe have a solution for those looking to pair the weather with their mood, a barleywine. Now in it’s 18th year, Hard Liver Barleywine Festival is your opportunity to spend a little (or a lot) of your time while losing yourself in the amber and burgundy pools, which host some of the highest gravity beers you’ll find around the region. 

With doors opening at 11 am, this Saturday (February 29th), guests are encouraged to sit down, review the list of beers on draft, order by number and size (e.g. #1 and 12 ounces), before voting for your favorite barleywine.  

Our Picks

2015 Anacortes Old Sebastes. A previous winner at this contest. We will definitely be looking out for signs of oxidation and how much of the rich, dark fruit, character has faded.

2016 Ecliptic Barrel-aged Orange Giant. Founded by John Harris, Orange Giant is no doubt an inspired beer from his days at Full Sail, McMenamins, and Deschutes. Another beer that will have presence of oxidation but more curious is how much of the barrel-aging has faded.

2015 J.W. Lees Vintage Harvest Ale. A classic in many respects, any vintage of J.W. Lees is worth your time.

2019 Reuben’s Brews Three Ryes Men. Recognized in contests and by local and beer traders-alike, this

2019 Seven Seas Bourbon Barrel-Aged Barleywine. A previous winner at Hard Liver, we can’t pass up another opportunity to try beers from a talented brewery, like 7 Seas.

2020 Cloudburst West Barrel-aged Old Tubthumper. Recently nominated by the James Beard Foundation, we can’t think of a better beer to toast to the hard work and creativity at Cloudburst Brewing Company.

2020 Matchless/North Fork Where Is My Barleywine BA Barleywine. Made by two qualified, most creative and most polar opposites in their recognition, we are selecting this beer in recognition of North Forks overlooked creativity and Matchless kinetic-disloyalty to flagships.

 The List (in order by oldest to newest and alphabetically) 

2002 - 2015 

2014 Oakshire Barleywine

2014 Sierra Nevada Bigfoot

2015 - 2017

2015 Anacortes Old Sebastes

2015 J.W. Lees Vintage Harvest Ale

2015 Lost Abbey Bourbon Bbl-Aged Angels Share

2016 Alesmith Bourbon Bbl-Aged Old Numbskull

2016 Ecliptic Barrel-Aged Orange Giant

2016 Firestone Walker Helldorado

2016 Pike Old Bawdy Barleywine

 2017 - 2019

2017 Big Time Old Wooly

2017 Sierra Nevada Aged Bigfoot

2018 Firestone-Walker §ucaba

2018 Hair of the Dog Doggie Claws

2018 Old Schoolhouse Brewer’s Reserve

2018 Three Magnets Old Skook

2019 Elysian Barrel-Aged Cyclops

2019 Ex Novo Barrel-aged Nevermore w/ Figs & Cocoa Beans

2019 Machine House Barleywine in Cask

2019 Matchless Ol’ Lifewine

2019 Midnight Oak-aged Sun Arctic Devil

2019 Old Schoolhouse Brewer’s Reserve

2019 Old Stove Bourbon Barrel-aged Castaway

2019 Seven Seas Bourbon Barrel-Aged Barleywine

2019 Skookum Whiskey Barrel-aged Barren Wood

2019 Reuben’s Brews Three Ryes Men

2020

2020 Block 15 Cognac Barrel-aged Hypnosis

2020 Boneyard Femur

2020 Breakside Brandy Barrel-aged French Quarter Ryewine

2020 Cloudburst Westland Barrel-aged Old Tubthumper 

2020 De Dochter van de Korenaar Barrel-aged L’ensemble

2020 Fremont Brew 3000 Barrel-aged English-style Barleywine

2020 J.W. Lees Willoughby’s Port Barrel-aged Harvest Ale

2020 Matchless/North Fork Barrel-aged Where Is My Barleywine

2020 Matchless/North Fork Peat Barrel-aged Where Is My Barleywine

2020 Midnight Sun Barrel-aged Termination Dust Belgian-Style Barleywine

2020 Mikkeller Big Worse Barleywine

2020 North Fork Spotted Owl

2020 Oakshire Twelve 12th Anniversary Barrel-aged Barleywine

2020 Page 24 Cognac Barrel-aged Barleywine

2020 pFriem Sherry Barrel-aged Blonde Barleywine

2020 Skookum Barrel-aged Heavy Is the Head That Wears the Crown

2020 Skookum Barrel-aged In Ruins English-style Barleywine

2020 Standard Bourbon Barrel-aged Flight of the Centaur

2020 The Bruery White Oak Bourbon Barrel-aged Wheatwine

Brouwer’s Cafe is located at 400 N 35th Street in Seattle’s Fremont neighborhood. For more information on Brouwer’s Cafe, their hours, upcoming events, or their current food and drink menus, visit https://www.brouwerscafe.com/. 

from Northwest Beer Guide - News - The Northwest Beer Guide http://bit.ly/2Th22xy

[but-boomerang-arrows]

Ultimate Kink Meme!            

Bold kinks your muse has, italicise kinks your muse is curious about, cross out kinks your muse is grossed out by.

(Based on the Periodic Table of Kink by UberKinky.co.uk)

Found on here!

Vanilla:

sex toys | lingerie | masturbation | oral sex | strip tease | tantric sex | tickling | nipple play | fluffy handcuffs

Sex acts:

anal | bukkake | squirting | fisting | teabagging | double penetration | felching | cum shot | snowballing | cream pies | watersports | pompoir | deep throating | group sex | public sex | bareback | rusty trombone | autopederasty

Materials:

silk | latex | PVC & rubber | wool | leather | metal | spandex | nylon | fur | satin

Butt stuff:

rimming | pegging | cake farts | prostate massage | prostate milking | figging | anal stretching | anal gaping

Sensation:

nuru massage | cupping | electro sex | edge play | wax play | knife play | temperature play | fire play

Role play:

cross dressing | adult baby | furries | pony play | puppy play | kitten play | pig play

Medical:

douching | enemas | urethral sounding | penis pumping | needle play | catheter play | scrotal inflation

Misc:

feeders | sploshing | tentacle sex | nyotaimori | oculolinctus | gut flopping

Impact play:

spanking | caning | flogging | flagellation | whipping | paddling

Restraint:

chastity | shibari | mummification | gags | breast bondage | hogtie | kinbaku | suspension bondage | human furniture | collaring

Domination:

tease & denial | cuckolding | forced feminization | small penis humiliation | orgasm denial | queening | slave training | sissification | forced orgasms | sexual humiliation | male dominance | female dominance | sensory deprivation

Torture:

ball busting | nipple torture | cock & ball torture | ball stretching | clit torture | cock whipping | cock trampling | ball crushing

Body paraphilias

gerontophilia (the elderly) | xenophilia (the foreign) | autogynephilia (gender swap) | maiesiophilia (pregnancy) | trichophilia (hair) | pogonophilia (beards) | algolagnia (pain) | podophilia (feet) | stigmatophilia (markings) | pygophilia (buttocks)

Object paraphilias

plushophilia (stuffed toys) | macrophilia (giants) | dendrophilia (trees) | claustrophilia (small spaces) | neophilia (new things) | mechanophilia (machines) | agalmatophilia (statues or dolls) | microphilia (tiny beings) | salirophilia (soiling beauty) | schediaphilia (cartoons)

Bodily function paraphilias

coprophilia (faeces) | emetophilia (vomit) | eproctophilia (flatulence) | dacryphilia (tears) | urophilia (urine) | sitophilia (food play) | mucophilia (mucus) | klismaphilia (enemas) | mysophilia (bodily filth) | menophilia (menstruation)

Misc paraphilias

scopophilia (looking) | formicophilia (tiny insects) | forniphilia (human furniture) | spectrophilia (ghosts)

[myhauntedsalem]

32 Incredibly Weird Deaths

1. Brazilian Joao Maria de Souza was killed in 2013 when a cow fell through his roof onto him as he slept.

2. Clement Vallandigham, a 19th century US lawyer, accidentally shot himself dead while defending a murder suspect – because he was trying to demonstrate that a supposed victim could have accidentally shot himself dead. (It worked, because his client was acquitted.)

3. Canadian lawyer Garry Hoy died while trying to prove that the glass in the windows of a 24th floor office was unbreakable, by throwing himself against it. It didn’t break – but it did pop out of its frame and he plunged to his death.

4. In 2007 the deputy mayor of Delhi, Surinder Singh Bajwa, died falling off a balcony while trying to fend off a troupe of attacking monkeys.

5. Monica Meyer, the mayor of Betterton, Maryland, died while checking her town’s sewage tanks – she fell in and drowned in 15 feet of human waste.

6. Sigurd the Mighty, a ninth-century Norse earl of Orkney, was killed by an enemy he had beheaded several hours earlier. He’d tied the man’s head to his horse’s saddle, but while riding home one of its protruding teeth grazed his leg. He died from the infection.

7. The owner of the company that makes Segways died in 2010 after accidentally driving his Segway off a cliff.

8. Robert Williams, a Ford assembly line worker, is the first human in history to have been killed by a robot. He was hit by a robot arm in 1979.

9. In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead — he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20–1 outsider victory.

10. US congressman Michael F. Farley died in 1921 as a result of shaving – because his shaving brush was infected with anthrax.

11. Several people danced themselves to death during the month-long Dance Fever of 1518 in Strasbourg, during which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no clear reason.

12. Paul G. Thomas, the owner of a wool mill, fell into one of his machines in 1987 and died after being wrapped in 800 yards of wool.

13. Edward Harrison was playing golf in Washington state in 1951 when his driver snapped, and the shaft lodged in his groin. He staggered about 100 yards before bleeding to death.

14. In 1900, American physician Jesse William Lazear tried to prove that Yellow Fever was transmitted by mosquitoes by letting infected mosquitoes bite him. He then died of the disease. Proving himself right.

15. Russian physician Alexander Bogdanov performed pioneering blood transfusions on himself, believing they would give him long life. They actually killed him after he suffered an adverse reaction.

16. Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt thought he’d invented a device that could make men fly. He tested this by jumping off the Eiffel Tower wearing it. It didn’t work. He died.

17. In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beardrunning away from a fire.

18. The Greek philosopher Chrysippus of Soli is said to have died of laughter after watching a donkey trying to eat his figs.

19. British actor Gareth Jones died of a heart attack while performing in a live televised play in 1958 – in which his character was scripted to have a heart attack. The rest of the cast improvised around his death and finished the play.

20. Mary Ward was a pioneering Irish female scientist who is sadly better known as the first person in history to ever be killed in a car accident – while driving with her family in their experimental “road locomotive steam engine”.

21. And the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was Bridget Driscoll of Croydon, London, in 1896.

22. Carl Wilhelm Scheele was a brilliant Swedish chemist who had an unwise habit of tasting all the chemicals he discovered. He died in 1786 as a result of his exposure to lead, hydrofluoric acid, arsenic and various other poisons.

23. Engineer Horace Lawson Hunley pioneered submarine design in the American Civil War – although most of them sank. He died when his final model, named after himself, sank while he was in command of it.

24. General John Sedgwick was killed by a sniper in the American Civil War shortly after uttering the words “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.” (Contrary to popular belief, though, they weren’t his last words. They were his second-last. His last words were agreeing that dodging was in fact a good idea.)

25. Health fanatic Basil Brown managed to kill himself by drinking a gallon of carrot juice a day, in the belief it would make him healthy.

26. In 1992, Greg Austin Gingrich died in the Grand Canyon after jokingly pretending to fall to his death, then losing his footing and actually falling to his death.

27. Queen Sunanda Kumariratana of Siam (now Thailand) drowned in 1880 in full view of many of her subjects – because they were forbidden to touch her, so couldn’t rescue her.

28. The first people ever killed in an air accident were hot air balloon pioneers Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and Pierre Romain, in 1785.

29. And the first person ever killed in a powered aeroplane crash was Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge in 1908, in a plane piloted by Orville Wright.

30. An Irish woman died in 2008 after voluntarily having sex with a dog. The exact cause of death is unclear, although it was speculated that an allergic reaction to dogs might have been the cause.

31. Twenty-one people died in the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919, when a massive tank of molasses burst on a warm day, sending a 25ft high wave of sweetener through the city at 35mph.

32. And eight people died in the London Beer Flood of 1814, when a giant vat at a brewery burst, sending over 3,500 barrels of beer pouring though the nearby streets.

[ramenfallsbutnotudon]

I was doing research for my series and I came across this cool wordpress blog where someone wrote out plants that combat desertification. I haven’t researched any of these yet but it’s a really neat list that I’d like to share with the solarpunk community. 

·   Acacia species : acacia

·  Acca sellowiana : feijao, pineapple guava

·  Actinidia arguta : kiwi

·   Actinidia deliciosa : kiwi

·   Adansonia digitata : baobab

·  Agave americana : century plant

·  Agave mexicana : Mexican aloe

·  Amaranthus spp. : amaranth

·  Annona cherimola : cherimoya

·  Annona muricata : guanabana, soursop, graviola

· Artemisia annua : sweet wormwood

· Artemisia halodendron : wormwood

 Asimina triloba : pawpaw

 Atriplex nummularia : oldman saltbush

Brassica carinata : Ethiopian mustard

Cajanus cajan :     pigeonpea

Calliandra calothyrsa :     calliandra

Caragana microphylla :     littleleaf peashrub

Caryopteris x clandonensis : Blue     beard / Blue mist

Cleome gynandra : African     cabbage, cat’s whiskers

Crocus sativus : saffron     crocus

Cydonia oblonga : quice,     membrillo

Cynara cardunculus var.     scolymus : artichoke   

Cyphomandra betacea : tomato     tree

Dacryodes edulis : safou or     butterfruit

Eleusine coracana : finger     millet, African millet, Ragi

Eriogonum spp. :     wild buckwheat

Garcinia lmivingstonei :      imbe

Gleditsia triacanthos : honey     locust

Hemerocallis spp. –     Daylilies

Hippophae rhamnoides : sea     buckthorn

Hylocereus undatus : dragonfruit

Portulacaria afra :     spekboom, elephant bush

Prosopis cineraria

Rheum palaestinum : Desert     rhubarb

Ricinus communis : castor     plant

Rosmarinus officinalis : rosemary

Salicornia : samphire

Salvadora persica : mustard     bush

Sesamum indicum – sesame

Sclerocarya birrea : marula

Sesbania rostrata

Sesbania sesban

Simmondsia chinensis : jojoba

Solanum scabrum : African     nightshade

Sorghum bicolor:     sorghum, durra, jowari or milo,

Strychnos spinosa : monkey     orange

Suaeda glauca :     seepweed, seablite

Tephrosia candida

Tylosema esculentum : marama

Vigna radiata :     greengram, mung bean

Vigna unguiculata : cowpea,     black-eyed pea

Vitex agnus-castus : chaste     tree

Zizyphus mauritiana : jujub

·  INTA Sequia common bean

·  Ipomoea batatas : sweet potato

·   Irvingia gabonensis : Dika tree

·  Jatropha curcas : Barbados nut, Physic nut

·   Kochia brevifolia : Australian bluebush

·   Lens culinaris : lentils

·  Linum usitatissimum : Flax

·  Lupinus luteus, L. hispanicus and L. cosentinii: lupins

· Mesembryanthemum acinaciforme : Fig-Marigold, Giant Pigface, Hottentot Fig

·  Miscanthus x giganteus : miscanthus

·  Moringa oleifera : Moringa

·  Morus spp. : mulberry

· Oenothera speciosa : Mexican evening primrose (invasive ground cover)

· Opuntia ficus-indica : prickly pear cactus

· Oxytenanthera abyssinica : drought-resistant bamboo

·Panicum virgatum : switchgrass

·Parthenium argentatum : guayule

 Phaeoptilum spinosum : brosdoring

[edificationcoach]

Who am I and what am I? (Who Am I/What Am I philosophy)

The Zen Master

A man visits a Zen master to help him with understanding himself and life. The moment he sees the master he starts talking about himself, “Hi, I am Professor Wilfred. I work at Oxford University, I do this, this and that. I came here to learn the way of living.” The master tells him to sit down and asks if he wanted to drink tea. The professor says yes then the teacher pours tea into the cup, the cup overflows with tea, the professor says “The cup is overflowing!”

The teacher says to him “You came to me with an overflowing cup! How do you expect me to help and give you more? You already know a lot, you have lots of knowledge. If you are not empty and open I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you anything!”

The world and Us

Many of us live life thinking that we are our names, country, ethnicity, married, job, and so forth. Most of us define ourselves with titles. We have our cups filled with the knowledge that keeps away from who we really are.

For many of us, esoteric concepts or understandings are bohemians, thinking that such ideas do not belong to this world.

You were Sold!

We bought into the idea that we are humans and that we are weak and alone. No one told us that when we believe in such a way we manifest such powerless realities. No one told us that we are the masters of our own worlds, the inside and the outside. Our thinking and imagination are contaminated by falsehood and lies.

The Truth

The truth is that we are all piece of  the Divine and we were created in its image. We have the power to create and co-create and that is done by our words, thoughts, images and actions.

My story with ALLAH (GOD)

Who am I? What Am I? Ask yourself this question tens of times. I did, when I was four years old, I got no logical answers. Most answers weren’t satisfying to my curiosity. One day I was with my grandpa standing in front of his herd, he was a farmer. I saw a funny frisky lamb, jumping and kicking here and there. I laughed at it with my grandpa; I picked a small stone and threw it at the poor lamb.

My grandpa got a bit angry and said to me “Don’t do this again. Allah (GOD) will be angry at you!”

This was the first time I was aware of the name by the way.

I got scared and asked him: “Grandpa, Who is ALLAH?” He replied “He is the creator. He is powerful!”. His answer wasn’t enough to me. I went home and asked my mom who ALLAH was. She said” He created you, me, your dad and all of us!” I asked “Where does he reside?” My mom didn’t answer me and changed the topic.

GOD At The Porch!

On a very very hot scorching day in Sudan Port Sudan city, I was with my mother visiting her friend. Mom decided to walk back home, a ten minutes’ walk under the blazing Sun. Mom held my hand and brisked. On our way back home, there was a big wooden house on the side with a long porch. There was an old man with a white beard, in white Sudanese jellabiya sitting on a bossy wooden chair, glancing at a giant book opened in front of him and reading elegantly aloud. I pulled my mom’s hand back to slow down and looked at the mighty old man; I was just a curious little boy.

The man eyeballed us seriously as he stopped reading. I asked my mom “Is this ALLAH?”

My mom didn’t answer and shied away! Those were my early days of investigations about GOD. No one told me that it was in me and I’m a piece of it. The Divine is within me.

We are taught that the supreme all-mighty, the Divine is separate from us. And that we are little to nothing to be near it or with it. This is the practice done in many educational systems on this planet. We are fed by unnecessary information, which creates a huge gap and separation within ourselves and others. Such unhealthy practice creates depression, boredom, weakness, apathy, fear, struggle, and war in humanity.

The Sad Tree

In a quiet countryside, there was a dazzling garden with fig, plum, avocado, and pomegranate trees. It had colorful daisies, orchids, lilies, and roses. All was joyful in this garden, except for one tree. This tree was very sad. Its problem was it didn’t know who it was!

Other trees tried to give advice to the sad tree telling him that he needed to be attentive and be conscientious and focused if he did so, he would have figs and plums. The orchids would say to the sad tree do not listen to the fig trees. It is hard to make figs, why don’t you try to focus and make orchids?

Your problems are similar to humans. Here is my advice do not build your life upon what others want you to be. Just be who you are, know yourself, allow it to be and listen to what your inside says.”

The sad tree would try to be what his friends suggested. Every time he tries, he fails, and then becomes so disappointed. One day a wise owl nested on the sad tree and noticed its grief. The owl asked the tree why he was upset, the tree explained its burdens.

The owl said to the tree “Your problems are similar to humans. Here is my advice do not build your life upon what others want you to be. Just be who you are, know yourself, allow it to be and listen to what your inside says.”

Listen To Your Inner Voice!

 The tree asked himself “How can I know myself?”, “What is best for me?”, “What does my inner voice want to say to me?”, “What should I do & be to know myself?” The tree began asking questions over and over, this made his heart to open. He began to hear his inner voice telling him:

“You are not a fig tree to make fig fruits, and you are not an orchid flower to make orchids!” , “You are a redwood, and your call is to grow tall beautifully. You are meant to be a nest for many birds, a house for squirrels, a shade for people and a landscape for this area.”

The tree gained his power. It grew magnificently, and this way the garden was wholly happy!

How many of us are redwoods?

How many of us are redwoods who try to be fig trees? How many of us are redwoods who can’t allow themselves to be who they are meant to be? You are in this life to find your destiny and then accomplish it. You are here to follow your bliss.

Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else.”

― Joseph Campbell

You are here to remember who you are as an infinite being who is having a physical limited experience. You are a point of attention that can be myopic or vast within an infinite stream of consciousness, and you are a point of attention in that same consciousness that observes reality from a different point of view.

WHO AM I REALLY?

You are a living medium between the worlds. Do not allow anyone or anything to block you from your essence. Do not permit anyone to dictate to you how and what to be! Why? Because you are the infinite itself.

I hope you enjoy reading this post. I look forward to hearing your comments & suggestions.

Love & Gratitude

The post Who am I and what am I? (Who Am I/What Am I philosophy) appeared first on EdificationCoach.

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[alohaexpeditions]

Saiwa-Swamp-National-Park-The smallest national park in Kenya

Saiwa-Swamp-National-Park-The smallest national park in Kenya A dense, vibrantly green realm of swamp, bulrushes, sedges and surrounding riverine forest, Saiwa Swamp - Kenya’s smallest national park, was created specifically to protect the habitat of the rare and endangered semi-aquatic Sitatunga antelope. Rarely visited, well-off the tourist track but charmingly rewarding, this compact Park is unique in that it is the only place in Kenya where vehicles are prohibited and the walker reigns supreme. Fact File Altitude: 1,860-1,880 m. Area: 3 sq km. Location: Cherangani Hills of Trans-Nzoiya - Rift Valley Province Distance from Nairobi: 400 km north-west of Nairobi. Gazetted: Gazetted as a National Park in 1974. Climate: Typical African wetland climate, ranging from warm to cool and humid to semi-arid (wet seasons March-June and October-November). Vegetation: Swamp and riverine forest, tall bullrushes and sedge. Wildlife: Sitatunga, monkey, spotted-necked otter, giant forest squirrel, leopard, bushbuck, ratel and African civet. Birds: 372 species including such rarities as Ross' turaco and the blue-headed coucal. Roads: The Park has no roads, only walking trails. One of only two parks in Kenya where you can go walkabout This Park is unique in that it is only accessible by foot. Traversed by some 7 km of well-maintained wooden walkways and trails, it also offers three timbered viewing platforms where you can stake yourself out for a glimpse of the elusive Sitatunga antelope. Well-marked trails skirt the perimeter of the swamp, which can also be traversed via the wooden duckboards that go right across it. Spot the swamp star, the secretive Sitatunga (Tragelaphus spekei). Known in Swahili as the ‘Nzohe', the remarkable and rare Sitatunga (pronounced ‘statunga') is a long-legged antelope that has adapted itself to exploit the abundant food resources of the swamp habitat. Its shaggy coat is oily and water repellent while its elongated and splayed hooves allow it to walk on submerged vegetation with impunity. So specialized are these feet that the Sitatunga can easily outrun its predators in the swamp, though on land it has a much clumsier gait. Reddish-brown with a vaguely moth-eaten look, it has very large ears and (on the males) horns. Moving with slow deliberation so as to avoid detection, the Sitatunga enters the water gently and sinks down until nearly all of its body is submerged. It then spends most of the day submerged or resting in reedy shade. A good swimmer, when alarmed the Sitatunga dives deep and remains submerged but for the tip of its nose. Crepuscular and extremely shy it prefers to feed morning and evening and occasionally leaves the swamp after dark to browse. Found in scattered locations throughout western and central Africa (particularly the papyrus swamps of Lake Victoria and in the Kingwal Swamp near Kapsabet), it is only at Saiwa Swamp that these elusive creatures have become habituated to the proximity of humans. How to see a Sitatunga Watching and waiting are the tricks of the trade. You might also keep watch along the paths and tunnels that the Sitatunga makes through the reeds and rushes - especially between 6pm and 10am when they are most active. Other stars in the Saiwa Swamp cast Very conspicuous are the silken coats of the black and white colobus monkey and the white-bearded faces of the distinctive de Brazza monkey. You will also see plenty of blue and vervet monkey. Spotted-necked otter and giant forest squirrel will prove more difficult. Leopard are around, but it's unlikely you'll see one. Ornithologist's nirvana A great draw for ornithologists, the Park boasts over 372 species of birds. Rare birds include crowned hornbill, Ross' turaco and eastern grey plantain eater, while the riverine forests shelter one of Kenya's most spectacular forest birds, the Narina trogon. Most conspicuous around the Park are the grey-crowned cranes, but large numbers of ibis, duck and heron feed conspicuously in the more open patches of water. Cinnamon-chested bee-eaters are plentiful along the trails, as well as paradise flycatchers and black-headed gonoleks. Ludher's bush-shrike is also found here, but is difficult to spot being infinitely shyer. Cisticolas and warblers flit around the base of the observation towers, and long-crested eagles can often be seen perched high on the bare branches of dead trees. Blue-headed coucals can often be caught taking in the sun among the bullrushes while the reeds are home to Hartlaub's marsh widowbird and yellow bishop. When in fruit, the fig trees also offer a potent lure for double-toothed barbets. Lush flora The Park offers an interesting mix of forest and swamp vegetation and an extraordinarily diverse plant habitat. Dominated by tall bullrushes and sedges, it is bordered by a mixture of grassland, riverine forests and yellow acacia trees. Epiphytic ferns and orchids also proliferate. The wetter riverine forest is marked by gigantic strangler figs while Syzygium trees, with their dark-purple fruits, are not uncommon along the fringes of the swamp. Iridescent insects The swamp makes an ideal habitat for all manner of gorgeous dragonflies and damselflies while a profusion of jewel-hued butterflies dance along the trails (such as swallowtails and charaxes, and notably the African mocker swallowtail (Papilio dardanus). Reptiles and amphibians Home to numerous frogs and toads, and specifically the tree frogs, which are particularly noisy after a rainstorm, the swamp is also a preferred haunt of Bell's hinged tortoise. Snake life includes the forest cobra and the African rock python. As you follow the trails, you might also watch out for a side-striped chameleon. Conservation challenges The Park is entirely surrounded by intensively cultivated subsistence smallholdings (known as ‘shambas'), and so its perimeter fence marks a sharp divide between two very different habitats. Cultivation tends to be small-scale and by means of hand tools but the neighbouring farmers plough as close to the fence as possible, dramatizing the delicate balance that must be maintained between human well-being and the struggle to sustain a healthy bio-diverse habitat. Survival of the Park, therefore, is very much dependent upon close co-operation between the Kenya Wildlife Service and the surrounding community. Read the full article

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Norse Gods and Goddesses – Norse Mythology Pantheon

The pantheon and mythology of the Norse gods is somewhat similar to the Roman and Greek ones with which the average person is more familiar. There is Creation, Heaven and Hell, and a rich tapestry of gods, goddesses and other magical beings who live, love and fight with each other.

A less common feature of the Norse mythological world is that the chief gods, called the Aesir, are in intermittent interaction and conflict with another group that is less well-known and less powerful. This second group is called the Vanir, and they are less warlike and more inclined towards softer traits like fertility and prosperity.

A third group, the giants called the Jotnar, also feature prominently in the Norse tales, living, loving and fighting the Aesir and Vanir. Besides the Jotnar, elves and dwarves also populate the nine Norse worlds.

This is a quick introduction to the Norse gods and associated beings that feature most prominently in the old Scandinavian stories.

  Odin

Odin is regarded as the ‘Allfather’ or father of all the gods. He is depicted as an elderly man, powerfully built but missing an eye. He carries a spear which never misses its mark called Gungnir, which was created by the sons of the dwarf Ivaldi.

However, you would be remiss to consider Odin, who was the Norse god of battle and death, as a purely one-dimensional character driven by power and violence –  he was also the god of knowledge and poetry. In fact, Odin did not lose his eye in battle – he traded it for a drink from the Well of Wisdom.

Odin is also known as Othinn, Wotan and Woden, and the weekday, Wednesday (Woden’s day) is named for him. He is the husband of the goddess Frigg and father of Thor, Baldur, Hodr and Vali.

  Thor

Possibly the most widely-recognized of all the Norse gods, especially after the recent series of Hollywood movies featuring the stylized character, Thor is the eldest child of Odin. Contrary to the Hollywood depiction, the original Thor of the Norse sagas has red hair and is thickly bearded.

The Norse peoples knew him as the God of Thunder and believed that the sound of rumbling thunder was actually Thor racing across the heavens in his chariot, wielding his hammer, Mjolnir (Lightning). Each lightning strike was believed to be the result of the fearsome warrior god flinging Mjolnir through the air. Thor is virtually unstoppable as a warrior in the Norse sagas and they record a long line of his wondrous feats.

The weekday Thursday is named after Thor. His wife is the beautiful blonde-haired goddess, Sif. They have a daughter, Thrud, and two sons, Magni and Modi.

  Loki

If Thor’s appearance has been misrepresented for aesthetic purposes, Loki’s entire character and personality has been mangled by Hollywood for box office convenience.

Loki of the original Norse sagas was known as The Trickster. He lived in Asgard with the Aesir but was actually a giant adopted by Odin. Described as physically attractive, he was also extremely clever. Unlike the screen version, Loki was not acutely evil even though many of his actions had dire consequences. In fact, his brilliance and ingenuity saved the Aesir from misfortunes on many occasions. However, he was always a flawed individual and Ragnarok, the foretold ‘Twilight of the Gods’ is a direct result of his poor judgement.

Loki’s wife is the beautiful Sigyn, who is the embodiment of loyalty. With her and various other partners, his children are Nari, Slepinir (Odin’s eight-legged steed), Hel, who rules the Underworld, the giant wolf, Fenrir, and the Midgard (world) serpent, Jörmungandr.

  Frigg

Frigg is the wife of Odin, and rules by his side as the queen of the Norse gods. She presides over earthly matters connected with females like marriage, motherhood and fertility. Her blessings were sought for a successful conception and pregnancy, and a safe labor and delivery.

The Norsemen believed that Frigg is privy to the fate of every god and man but never reveals that knowledge until events have transpired. One of her sons was the beautiful and noble God of Light, Baldur; she had premonitions of his death but was unable to prevent it and circumvent the series of cataclysmic events that lead to the destruction of all worlds, Ragnarok.

The weekday of Friday is named after goddess Frigg.

  Baldur

There was no god who was more beautiful, noble, just and as well regarded by gods and men as Baldur, son of Odin and Frigg. He was the god of joy, light, purity, beauty and innocence, connected to every positive aspect of existence. Baldur’s wisdom, fairness and amiable eloquence was sought by all.

It is unfortunate, then, that he is best known not for his many good qualities but for the manner of his death.

Frigg had sought and received assurances from every object in the world to not hurt her son save for the mistletoe, which she considered harmless. A disguised Loki obtained this information from Frigg and tricked Baldur’s blind brother, Hodr, into throwing a fig missile at him. It pierced Baldur’s heart and killed him.

This devastating event plunged all of Asgard into misery and put the wheels in motion that will lead to Ragnarok, the ‘Twilight of the Gods’ which will destroy all the nine worlds of existence.

Tyr

Odin was not always the god of war of the Germanic tribes; he was preceded by Tyr. Tyr is depicted as a warrior with only one hand and that hand grasps a spear. He was also Odin’s predecessor as the god of justice.

The story goes that Fenrir, the giant wolf sired by Loki, began to cause great alarm among the gods when they saw its ferocity and size. Fenrir allowed the gods to attempt to bind it as sport twice and successfully escaped each time. When they asked to try a third time, Fenrir suspected something was amiss and said he would only allow them another opportunity if one of the gods placed his hand in its mouth as security.

Tyr volunteered and subsequently lost his hand when the wolf saw that the gods did not intend to release him.

The name ‘Tyr’ became synonymous with ‘god’ in later Norse tales. Tyr was also known as T’waz, Tiu and Ziu.

  Freya

The goddess Freya was the Norse equivalent of the Greek Aphrodite and the Roman Venus – hers was the realm of love, sensuality and fertility. Her domains also overlapped with Frigg’s in matters of fertility and childbirth.

There is some confusion whether Freya and Frigg were separate entities or the same one known by different names. Like Frigg, Freya is actually a Vanir who comes to live with the Aesir as a hostage or a peace offering at the culmination of a war between the two clans of divine beings.

In a symbol of equality we perhaps might not expect from an ancient culture, Freya and Odin shared the souls of slain warriors. Moreover, Freya always had first choice.

One of the animals associated with Freya is the mare.  Associated as it was by the Norse with nighttime and the supernatural, ‘riding the mare at night’ became ‘having a nightmare’, a term that continues to be used today.

  Heimdall

There is only one entrance to Asgard, the home of the gods, and a rainbow bridge called Bifrost leads to it. The god charged with the task of with watching over it for all of existence is Heimdall.

God of light borne of nine mothers, Heimdall is said to be able to see for a hundred miles in every direction, day or night, rain or shine. His acute sense of hearing allows him to listen even to the sound of grass growing and that of wool on a sheep’s back. His teeth are of gold and he bears a horn called Gjallar.

Heimdall is also credited with creating the three races of Man – serfs, peasants and warriors. For all these wondrous attributes and achievements, his greatest feat is the slaying of Loki at the battle to end all battles, Ragnarok.

  Hodr

Son of Odin and Frigg and brother to Baldur, Hodr’s story is one of the saddest in all of Norse mythology. While Baldur was radiant and known as the god of light, Hodr was born blind and became the god of darkness. The Sagas mention him only when speak of the tragic death of Baldur at his hands.

Loki deceived the blind god into throwing a dart of mistletoe, the only thing that could harm Baldur, at his brother, thus causing his death. Odin then conceived a son named Vali with the giantess Rind, and Vali grew to adulthood in one day and slew Hodr.

Fortunately, the story of Hodr does not end on this melancholy tone – it is written that after the destruction of all the worlds at Ragnarok, a new one will be born where Hodr and Baldur embrace to rule together.

  Angrboda

With a name that translates as ‘She who offers sorrow’ or ‘She who brings grief’, Angrboda is possibly the most aptly named of all the characters in Norse mythology.

She is the wife of Loki and they have three children together – Hel, ruler of the Underworld, the Midgard serpent Jörmungandr and the giant wolf Fenrir. While her daughter is associated with the death of Men, the serpent and wolf are destined to kill the two main gods, Thor and Odin respectively, at Ragnarok.

Angrboda is a giantess but she is also described variably as a witch and a seer who dwells in the Ironwood Forest.

  Idunn

The Norse gods share many traits with Man and one is that they can age. However, they remain ever youthful because of the golden apples given to them by the goddess Idunn.

Idunn is the wife of the god of eloquence and poetry, Bragi, who is the son of Odin. She is one of the eight goddesses who is seated on a throne at Aesir feasts.

Most of the tales surrounding Idunn in the Sagas concern the apples of youth. The most well-known of these is one where Loki (who else?) tricks her into leaving the sanctuary of Asgard whereupon she is seized by a giant disguised as an eagle. Loki is then forced to steal her back from the giant’s home at great risk to himself.

  Bragi

The Old Norse word for poetry was ‘bragr’ and the name Bragi derives from it. He is the Norse god of poetry and eloquence, renowned for his wisdom and always depicted with a harp. His parents are Odin and Frigg, and he is married to the goddess Idunn.

Not much is said of Bragi in the Norse sagas that survive but there is clear evidence that Loki and he are not on good terms. However, Bragi is also shown to be very level-headed; when The Trickster god insults him at a feast and accuses him of cowardice, he simply offers his possessions in return but warns Loki that he would not be so accommodating if they were in less polite settings.

Bragr also seems to be connected with honesty and fraternal bonds as oaths were sworn over a Bragarfull (Cup of Bragi), as were toasts to departed kings.

  Sigyn

Sigyn (victorious girlfriend) is the wife of Loki, which most would accept is quite an unenviable role to play. She is not mentioned in the Sagas except in reference to her husband but there is speculation that she might be a pagan goddess who precedes the Norse pantheon.

Her sons are Narfi and Vali. When Loki’s actions cause the death of the god, Baldur, the gods turn Vali into a wolf and he kills Narfi. They then bind Loki in a cave outside Asgard with his son’s entrails and place a venomous snake above his head.

The ever-loyal Sigyn abandons the sanctuary and comfort of Asgard and to hold a vessel above Loki’s head to catch the venom. She is forced to leave her post periodically to empty it and Loki strains at his bonds with pain when the venom fall on his face. The Norse believed that Loki’s thrashing was what caused earthquakes.

      The post Norse Gods and Goddesses – Norse Mythology Pantheon appeared first on Ragnar Lothbrok, Lagertha, Rollo, Vikings, Ouroboros, Symbols and Meanings.

Source: http://mythologian.net/norse-gods-goddesses-list-norse-mythology-pantheon/

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32 Incredibly Weird Deaths 

1. Brazilian Joao Maria de Souza was killed in 2013 when a cow fell through his roof onto him as he slept.

2. Clement Vallandigham, a 19th century US lawyer, accidentally shot himself dead while defending a murder suspect – because he was trying to demonstrate that a supposed victim could have accidentally shot himself dead. (It worked, because his client was acquitted.)

3. Canadian lawyer Garry Hoy died while trying to prove that the glass in the windows of a 24th floor office was unbreakable, by throwing himself against it. It didn't break - but it did pop out of its frame and he plunged to his death.

4. In 2007 the deputy mayor of Delhi, Surinder Singh Bajwa, died falling off a balcony while trying to fend off a troupe of attacking monkeys.

5. Monica Meyer, the mayor of Betterton, Maryland, died while checking her town's sewage tanks – she fell in and drowned in 15 feet of human waste.

6. Sigurd the Mighty, a ninth-century Norse earl of Orkney, was killed by an enemy he had beheaded several hours earlier. He'd tied the man's head to his horse's saddle, but while riding home one of its protruding teeth grazed his leg. He died from the infection.

7. The owner of the company that makes Segways died in 2010 after accidentally driving his Segway off a cliff.

8. Robert Williams, a Ford assembly line worker, is the first human in history to have been killed by a robot. He was hit by a robot arm in 1979.

9. In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead — he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20–1 outsider victory.

10. US congressman Michael F. Farley died in 1921 as a result of shaving – because his shaving brush was infected with anthrax.

11. Several people danced themselves to death during the month-long Dance Fever of 1518 in Strasbourg, during which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no clear reason.

12. Paul G. Thomas, the owner of a wool mill, fell into one of his machines in 1987 and died after being wrapped in 800 yards of wool.

13. Edward Harrison was playing golf in Washington state in 1951 when his driver snapped, and the shaft lodged in his groin. He staggered about 100 yards before bleeding to death.

14. In 1900, American physician Jesse William Lazear tried to prove that Yellow Fever was transmitted by mosquitoes by letting infected mosquitoes bite him. He then died of the disease. Proving himself right.

15. Russian physician Alexander Bogdanov performed pioneering blood transfusions on himself, believing they would give him long life. They actually killed him after he suffered an adverse reaction.

16. Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt thought he'd invented a device that could make men fly. He tested this by jumping off the Eiffel Tower wearing it. It didn't work. He died.

17. In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beardrunning away from a fire.

18. The Greek philosopher Chrysippus of Soli is said to have died of laughter after watching a donkey trying to eat his figs.

19. British actor Gareth Jones died of a heart attack while performing in a live televised play in 1958 – in which his character was scripted to have a heart attack. The rest of the cast improvised around his death and finished the play.

20. Mary Ward was a pioneering Irish female scientist who is sadly better known as the first person in history to ever be killed in a car accident – while driving with her family in their experimental "road locomotive steam engine".

21. And the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was Bridget Driscoll of Croydon, London, in 1896.

22. Carl Wilhelm Scheele was a brilliant Swedish chemist who had an unwise habit of tasting all the chemicals he discovered. He died in 1786 as a result of his exposure to lead, hydrofluoric acid, arsenic and various other poisons.

23. Engineer Horace Lawson Hunley pioneered submarine design in the American Civil War – although most of them sank. He died when his final model, named after himself, sank while he was in command of it.

24. General John Sedgwick was killed by a sniper in the American Civil War shortly after uttering the words "They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." (Contrary to popular belief, though, they weren't his last words. They were his second-last. His last words were agreeing that dodging was in fact a good idea.)

25. Health fanatic Basil Brown managed to kill himself by drinking a gallon of carrot juice a day, in the belief it would make him healthy.

26. In 1992, Greg Austin Gingrich died in the Grand Canyon after jokingly pretending to fall to his death, then losing his footing and actually falling to his death.

27. Queen Sunanda Kumariratana of Siam (now Thailand) drowned in 1880 in full view of many of her subjects – because they were forbidden to touch her, so couldn't rescue her.

28. The first people ever killed in an air accident were hot air balloon pioneers Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and Pierre Romain, in 1785.

29. And the first person ever killed in a powered aeroplane crash was Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge in 1908, in a plane piloted by Orville Wright.

30. An Irish woman died in 2008 after voluntarily having sex with a dog. The exact cause of death is unclear, although it was speculated that an allergic reaction to dogs might have been the cause.

31. Twenty-one people died in the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919, when a massive tank of molasses burst on a warm day, sending a 25ft high wave of sweetener through the city at 35mph.

32. And eight people died in the London Beer Flood of 1814, when a giant vat at a brewery burst, sending over 3,500 barrels of beer pouring though the nearby streets.

[alwayslateornever]

strikercorbie replied to your photoset

What the flying fuck is this??

I’m assuming you read the tags, so lets start from the beginning.  This got long fast so under a read more it goes~

A coworker “E” invited me to join her husband, sister, and son on a new dnd campaign.  They’ve played dnd for years, gone through multiple campaigns, most of them with her husband “R” being the dm.  I chose a Firbolg as my first character, a giant soft boy named Fig raised by dwarven monks in a brewery.  He was scared and not born to fighting.  He was also trans, which I didn’t tell R. 

(I was going to work actual white into his outfit later, but it should be obvious his color scheme is based on the trans flag)

Right out the gate (literally less than 5 minutes into the campaign) R makes a quip about how one of the female player characters was extremely hot and that the two men of the part (Fig and a dwarven cleric) are showing obvious interest.  in their pants.  

(please imagine the literal pain I caused myself trying NOT to eyeroll in front of R at this)

I didn’t follow through with this idea of his, and tried to vaguely insinuate that Fig wasn’t attracted to anyone.  Like me, who is ace.  R obviously wasn’t happy about me not continuing his “funny” joke, but the subject was dropped. The same sort of joke came up again with the main antagonist in our story, a YOUNG, UNDERAGE GIRL.  Again I didn’t take the bait, and thankfully after that he stopped trying that sort of “joke”.

However this campaign was broken into chapters, and R wanted to play a character in the next chapter and handed dming off to his son, J.  

We only played a single session with J dming, because he never planned ahead, and R spent the whole time belittling him. (this wasn’t new, every session R was doing this to his own son)

Because that campaign essentially fell through, and with the release of the Ravnica expansion, R began a new campaign, and @gettinziggywithit​ was invited to join in place of my coworkers sister. (who had stopped coming because of bs reasons all her own, and so R just killed off her character.  No one was sad about this)

R has a... passion? for writing up characters, so he wrote up a dwarven bard for Katie, which she decided to give an apprehension engine instrument.  (which is such a fun idea and played well with her characters personality, but I think R forgot this or just decided to veto it outright) (this isn’t important to post but it was important to me)

In this I made a female human rogue (as R had made a small comment prior in direct relation to the “joke” from before about how I played a male character) named Nora, who was basically Dexter (from same named show).  E also made a female character (ranger gnome? I cant remember), and their son J was to join later.  

Our first session, we are trying to leave this bog area, and we get ambushed by...Sucker Eels!  A creature of R’s own creation!

What do sucker eels do you ask?  They jump into your mouth, lock themselves in, and proceed to lay tons of eggs inside you that unless you get to a healer in time, will devour you from within.  That is if you don’t suffocate during the process, as trying to dislodge them make them burrow DEEPER.

Both Katie and my characters fucking deep throat some eels, all to the amusement of R.  Our characters get healed up, but we only do 2 sessions.

At the same time of these sessions, R starts talking to a coworker about doing a game with them as well, which this coworkers wife would DM as R wanted to actually play for once.  So, I write up a new character, a dwarven female rogue named Ira Octava.  Who is my Dragon Age: Inquisition character.  Who was based on my fantroll.

(don’t talk to me about ASLOD feels I will ALWAYS have ASLOD feels dude)

I headcanon that dwarven women also grow beards, Ira just likes to shave.  Also she’s 19.  Also she’s trans.  Still didn’t tell anyone.

This campaign started out well enough, but it quickly devolved as R kept redirecting the focus.  Also I should note, he makes pretty well balanced and fun characters for others, but his own characters are min/maxed to hell.  which really isn’t fun to play against.  

This campaign also only lasted 2 sessions.  Not because of R, but because we had to drive 2 HOURS (because R and E refuse to use toll roads, which would have made the trip 45 minutes) to the coworkers apartment, where a 5 year old treated us like a jungle gym, stole our dice, and tried to get into every bag/purse we’d brought.  Which the parents really didn’t give a crap about.

NOW

R suggested, because of the drive and the time restrictions, that we should try a session over discord.  He would gm this one, and we’d be moving away from dnd and working with the mutant and masterminds set up.  Superheroes and the like kind of game.  Right off the bat I new I wanted to play a character I already had.  Dude McMarrs.

Dude’s story came to me in horror packed dream filled with space crafts, aliens, body horror, death and humor.  Also you know, Venom was still fresh in my mind, and I literally already had a symbiote character so it was an easy choice.

The thing is, Dude is also trans male.  That was part of the dream, and I refused to remove this from his character.  Again, I wasn’t going to tell anyone in the game, as I knew it would be made into “a thing” somehow, which I hate.

Except, I was already getting tired of R’s bs attitude, humor, and opinions.  So when on the one trip we made to go talk about the game and characters in person, he makes the remark “You don’t play male characters well”, I make the dumbest statement alive.  I say “well he’s trans.”  like that’s different somehow.  Not my best moment, but I was getting frustrated.  I felt dread immediately.

R is questioning it at first, kind of like “why?”, and then tries to science against it with “no trans individuals in space because of taking hormones”, and I actually make a stand and shut him down.  We’re doing a superhero setting, which is a fantasy world, WITH SPECIFICALLY HIGHER ADVANCED TECHNOLOGIES AND MEDICINE, and you’re going to try and be “realistic” about a trans dude in space?  I didn’t back down, and it payed off.  I actually win, I get to have this character be themselves openly instead of once again hiding it.  

This happened 2 months ago, and I kept making it a point to be firm about Dude being trans.  And R actually seemed to be okay with it.  I was filled with confidence about this game, and being relaxed with a character I knew.  I was starting to think maybe R just had a crap sense of humor, but was actually a decent human being.

Now, I don’t know.

The post came from an email he sent to everyone, basically asking for background info and basic character info.  WHICH HE HAS ALREADY FROM ME.  On that info, Dude is labeled male, because he is male. He’s a trans man, he is male.  period.  

But the thing is, he could have just left it at “are you a boy or a girl?” and there would be no hurt.  That’s standard questionnaire stuff and it doesn’t bother me.   Instead, he typed out the additional “(there is no third answer)”.  That was unnecessary.  That was intentional. 

And ya, I may be taking this overboard for a character, but this statement also invalidates my identity. I’m agender.  I’m still working through my own social concepts of gender and gender roles, but everyday I accept who I am and that I am agender.  So seeing this, honestly hurt.   Does R know I’m agender? No. and I had no intentions of telling him before this.  Now I just really don’t want to be a part of this group.  Even though I was excited for this game.  But whatever, it’ll either never even start as other people are dragging their feet, or it will be abandoned pretty quick.

END OF RANT BONUS: Your standard instagram bathroom mirror photo of Dude before the shuttle mission.

A guy happy and comfortable in his own body.  Thanks for reading.