#getting back to my roots of ANGRY aromantics

[angryaromantics]

I think the internet has corroded our abilities to think aloud. I post a lot of ideas on here, not always concrete, not always fleshed out. I'm using text to figure shit out!!!

And sometimes people engage with my words to give me viewpoints I've never considered before. I've had voidpunk dehumanization experiences explained to me, and loveless identities, and microlabels in general. And that's cool! Engage. Expand on my point or explain where it's lacking. I have a narrow viewpoint in which I view the world. We all do.

But I've also received engagement, sometimes in tags and comments, often on anon, where the person is clearly taking the least generous reading of my point imaginable. And honestly? It's a waste of everyone's time.

We are all balls of clay, slowly molding and reshaping our opinions and ideas. We're not stagnant. And honestly, we shouldn't have to be quiet while we're figuring shit out.

[yeahhiyellow]

I'm making this post as a response to something that went down between me and another Tumblr user yesterday.

Trigger warning: this talks about corrective rape (no graphic detail or anything) and discrimination against LGBTQ+ people, especially asexuals.

I saw a post earlier today talking about how more needs to be done than just saying LGBTQ+ people are "valid" and "including" us. It said that we also need to get rid of the LGBTQ+ panic defense, pass anti-discrimination laws for housing and employment, get trans people access to healthcare, stop the murders of black trans women, marriage equality, allowing trans kids to go by the names they prefer, and banning corrective rape. I was about to like and reblog the post (it is ABSOLUTELY true) when I saw other people's reblogs.

One person reblogged it, asking what "corrective rape" was, to which the person who wrote the post replied, and I quote, "lesbians who are raped by men in order to 'turn them' straight. i believe this term can also be used for gay men who are raped by women, but it is far less common." Alright, there's no real problem that jumps out immediately here. However, when another Tumblr user reblogged the post mentioning that asexuals also faced corrective rape but didn't want to talk about it since there's so much acephobia (and I do admit, this person was focusing a bit too much on themselves, but still that's no excuse), the original person responded back, and I quote, again, "hey the term 'corrective rape' was literally invented by and for lesbians..." and proceeded to accuse the other person of derailing the conversation, being morally wrong, and playing the victim.

Angry that anyone would ever be so ignorant, I responded with:

(I didn't realize at this point that the person who made the first post was the same one who replied with the anti-asexual comments.)

The first issue with the poster's comments is the obvious hypocrisy. This person is saying that the term "corrective rape" can be used about lesbian women and gay men, but when asexuals get involved, all of a sudden it's only supposed to be used for lesbians. What about gay men, then? The only logical conclusions would be that the term was only made for lesbians and that the original poster is wrongly saying they can be used for gay men as well, or that the term can be used by other marginalized groups and they are wrongly excluding asexual people. Since the term has already proven to include asexual people, it's obviously the latter. This is not even to mention that a fourth Tumblr user replied that the people who popularized the term "corrective rape" applies to asexuals too, disproving the original poster's entire point whether or not they were being hypocritical.

It's here that I'd also like to share some quotes I found online:

And:

Even the definition of "corrective rape" says that it's based on sexual orientation or gender identity (which includes asexuals):

At this point, there's no excuse for the original poster's behavior, however, unfortunately I cannot show this to them because they have blocked me. They also replied to my initial responses, however I can't even read what they said aside from what I can see in my notifications because they blocked me. (What I can see from the text in my notifications is, "i didn't get mad at them, y'all don't know what 'mad' is. what i said, if ANY OF YOU could read, was that they were...") I'm only 15 years old, and even I can recognize this behavior as not only childish, but immoral.

(Note: I am chosing not to name individuals because I don't want anyone to harass them. While certain people involved in this are definitely in the wrong, no one gave me permission to put their accounts out, and I don't want anyone to harass them in response to their remarks.)

Now, I can't know this for sure since they blocked me, but what I anticipate they said was that the person who brought up asexuals was derailing the conversation (and whether or not this was their reply, I do know they said this in one of their previous posts, as mentioned above). Still, the original post was about the ENTIRE LGBTQ+ community - which includes asexuals - and even the replies were about corrective rape, which happens to asexuals as well, as I've already proved. There is no doubt that this person was purposely excluding asexuals, even though they are absolutely affected by corrective rape and need to be included in the conversation.

Even I've seen asexual people be affected by other's acceptance of corrective rape of asexuals. A friend of mine's mom has said to their face that they need to be raped by a guy to show them that sex is enjoyable and that they aren't asexual. And this is just in my short, fifteen year life. This isn't including the countless asexual people who have been raped because of their asexuality. Discounting these people's experiences as "not corrective rape" is denying sexual assault and their actual experiences.

Now that I have all that said, it's important that I get to why I shared this, and what the root of the issue is.

When people say that "a stands for ally" or "asexuals don't need to be included in LGBTQ+ because they don't face discrimination," they are not only being ignorant, they are discounting the lives of likely millions of people. They are feeding into the lie that asexuals don't experience discrimination, and things like corrective rape against them are justified, even if that's not their intention. Being perceived as a burden (having family members and others want to "fix" asexuals, saying that there are more important issues to focus on like gay/lesbian rights over asexual rights, and many more), and not having a place to belong (not being included within the LGBTQ+ community, being perceived as "different" because asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, and more) also leads to increased risk of suicide. Are people really willing to risk people's lives to feel comfortable?

This is the exact same thing that happened (and is still happening) to lesbian, gay, and other groups within the LGBTQ+ community (and has happened to asexuals in the past too, although that is less talked about). Cishets didn't include, accept, or even treat gay and lesbian people anywhere near equally under law, and now gay, lesbian and other groups in the LGBTQ+ community are turning around and doing the same thing to asexuals (as well as nonbinary people, bisexuals, pansexuals, aromantics, the list goes on). And it costs people's health, physical and mental, and ultimately people's lives.

Either you include asexuals and protect them under law or continue to be ignorant, this time by choice, to the atrocities happening to asexual people. There is no inbetween. And if you are a member of an oppressed group and decide to take the second route from here on out, you are also a hypocrite.

Tldr; Asexuals also face corrective rape, and they need to be included in conversations about the LGBTQ+ community, even if a user on Tumblr argues against that.

[demonsonthemoon]

Sunkissed, Sunburnt, Soothed

Fandom: Les Misérables Pairings: platonic Jehan & Grantaire, romantic Grantaire/Enjolras Word Count: 2607 Summary: "The first time Grantaire met Enjolras, he felt for a second like he was going blind. Meeting Jehan had been far less dramatic." Or: the story of not-so-healthy relationships, what they give and what they take, the ways they have of being too much and of being not enough. (Featuring Aromantic!Jehan) Note: Dedicated to my friend Caro (@anastasiapullingteeth), forever the Grantaire to my Jehan and a star in my constellation. This fic was a bit rushed to I could put it out in time for #AggressivelyArospecWeek. I definitely feel like the concept deserves a far longer exploration than I gave it here. Also I have no idea whether the POV and style shifts actually work. Do the paragraph breaks work??? I don't know. I just didn't want to think of how to fix them. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this and don't hesitate to let me know what you thought!

Read it on AO3.

The first time Grantaire met Enjolras, he felt for a second like he was going blind. Like he had just stared at the sun and was about to pay for it. Like the other was a new version of Medusa, turning people to ashes instead of stone.

To be fair, the whole experience may have had something to do with the fact that Grantaire had been well on his way to drunk at the time. Although that didn't explain the continued feeling of being on fire everytime Enjolras looked at him.

Meeting Jehan had been far less dramatic. If Enjolras was the threatening light of the sun faced head on, Jehan was a soft beam peeking above a cloud. He didn't command attention, instead drew it gently with patterned tights, pastel-colored skinny jeans and chunky cable-knit sweaters. Grantaire had taken one look at him and decided he wanted to befriend him. It had something to do with the way Jehan had kept half of his hands hidden in his sleeves, the way his smile had seemed just that little bit uncertain before he let himself be drawn into conversation by Courfeyrac and Bahorel.

Enjolras was so beautiful to look at it often seemed painful. Jehan was a mess of clashing color and haphazard hairstyle, and he was so real it made Grantaire's bones sing.

He had been drunk the first time he had met Enjolras, the first time he had witnessed one of their little meetings from a hidden corner of the Musain. He had been drunk the second time too. Part of his brain had convinced him that the angel, the burning god, would not be there if he came back sober. Part of him had been too scared to face that kind of passion without the flimsy protection of alcohol. Part of him had just been looking for any excuse he could get.

He'd been sober when he'd met Jehan. The young man had joined the group of revolutionaries after Grantaire, although he had been accepted as a friend much more easily. Grantaire hadn't been jealous of that. He could admit he had never made it particularly easy for the other to find him likeable.

Smart people do not bare their skin to the sun at its zenith. They put on a hat instead.

But Jehan had looked past the wide brim of his, had spotted the freckles hiding on Grantaire's nose and had offered to kiss them.

The young man was free with his affection, in that he thought that love should be free. Free to roam and explore, free from the shackles of expectation and propriety. He was free with his love, because he had been told once he could not love right. He had then decided that if he couldn't do it right, at least he would love a lot. Even if it wasn't enough, it would make the world just a little kinder.

Grantaire hadn't ever thought he was able to love in a way that didn't destroy. He had loved laughter once, until laughter had turned into the price he paid for attention. He had loved learning, until learning became the thing he did to prove his parents he was still worth something. He had loved people, and the people had turned into bottles, so fragile between his fingers.

He had loved art. It was the one thing he had managed to renounce before it turned into a blade.

He loved Enjolras.

The truth of that was a block of ice constantly floating around his stomach. It was the kind of cold that burned, and numbed all other feelings at the same time.

Jehan loved him. Not like ice, and not like fire. Not like one romantic lead loved another in all the novels he read.

He loved him all the same.

And Grantaire loved him back, in a way that – for once – didn't feel dangerous. Jehan was the wick of a candle instead of a forest. Sometimes Grantaire resented him for it. Most of the time he was relieved.

They moved in together one day. It made sense for a lot of reasons. Mostly because it was cheaper. But also because they could be there for each other more easily this way. They could keep each other accountable. Keep each other standing. They could promise each other the warmth of another body when they came home.

When one of them offered to share a bed and turn the second bedroom into an art room, it made sense too. So much so that neither of them remembered who came up with the idea in the first place.

It was good. It was nice. In the way that drinking hot chocolate under a blanket while watching the rain outside was nice. It wasn't the same as lazing in the sun, but it was comforting in its own way.

Grantaire hadn't felt like he needed anything else. The grey weather was what he knew, and he would make the best of it. There was a voice in his mind, like the rumbling of far-off thunder, that told him he didn't deserve anything else anyway. That told him he had no choice, that he could learn to swim or drown.

When that voice spoke, when the pain of it flashed like lightning through his veins, Grantaire made Jehan some tea in a quaint little cup, with a hint of honey, and he baked lemon and basil cake.

Then one day the sky caught fire in the most magnificent sunset that Grantaire could have imagined.

Enjolras asked him out for coffee. Not to talk about politics. Not to berate him about his latest interruption during a meeting. Ey asked him out.

Grantaire thought it was a joke at first. He genuinely thought it was a joke, got mad about it and started ranting about how it wasn't funny and he'd expected better from Enjolras.

But it had been real. And Enjolras had been as impassioned as ever when ey had convinced Grantaire that ey was taking this really seriously, that ey was genuinely interested in Grantaire and wanted to give the both of them a shot.

How could Grantaire have said no ?

So they had gone for coffee. And it had been weird at first, but then it had gotten better. If he was honest with himself, Grantaire would admit that he would have gone much further than weird to get a shot at being so close to Enjolras. He called the other Apollo, and laughed when Jehan started calling him Icarus, not noticing the genuine note of concern in his friend's tone.

The one coffee turned into dinner two weeks later, then drinks a week after that, then Grantaire staying at Enjolras' place for the night, then them starting to officially date.

When Grantaire moved out of Jehan's bed and back into their little art studio, he told the other man that it wasn't something Enjolras had asked for. It was something Grantaire had chosen to do himself.

Jehan didn't have the heart to tell him how much it hurt that Grantaire would pick Enjolras over him even when ey hadn't asked him to choose.

That didn't mean that Jehan wasn't happy for his friend. He was. This was what Grantaire had always wanted, and his joy at finally tasting the honey he had coveted for so long was infectious.

At least for a while.

For weeks, for a few months even, Grantaire was glowing. Jehan felt his closest friend drift further away from him, but he happily swallowed his bitterness in the face of Grantaire's smile. It was painful to admit that Enjolras might really have something more to give that Jehan would ever be able to provide, but that didn't mean he would be as selfish as to take it away from Grantaire.

Then Enjolras and Grantaire had a fight.

Jehan hadn't been worried, at first. The couple had always had fights with each other, sometimes in quite spectacular ways. They clashed on many different subjects, partly because they were both opposite and alike to each other. Their ideas often had the same roots, but life had made them grow in contrary directions.

So one more fight hadn't been a cause for worry. Even the fact that Grantaire had grabbed a beer in the fridge right after coming back to their shared flat hadn't really been enough to spook Jehan. It was far from unusual, for Grantaire.

The fact that Grantaire was quiet as he drank, more sad than angry, was a hint that something might be amiss, but not enough to panic. Grantaire was prone to melancholy, a mood which Jehan knew well enough to respect in others.

All this to say that, no, Jehan hadn't been worried. Not at first.

Not after that one fight, and not even after the next one.

Grantaire and Enjolras always made up. They always went back to one another. After all, Enjolras was Grantaire's singular belief. You did not just one day decide to stop following the Northern star when it was what had always guided you home.

The moment when Jehan started getting concerned was after he noticed that the times between arguments were just... less. On the one hand, Grantaire started spending more time with Jehan again. They would huddle up on the couch with one of Jehan's handmade infusions and watch weird documentaries well into the night, and it was nice to have that again. On the other hand, Grantaire wasn't coming home with a dopey smile on his face and apologies for how time had gotten away from him while at Enjolras' the evening before.

Grantaire didn't talk about it. Jehan didn't press, although he did... hover. Just a little.

Then Grantaire announced that he was going to spend a little while at Enjolras' place, longer than usual, because they needed some uninterrupted time as a couple, just the two of them.

Jehan tried to be happy for them, happy that they were trying to make it work, happy that they still believed in one another. He tried not to dwell on how their own appartment had started feeling more and more empty, even when Grantaire was here. He stopped himself before he could make a bitter comment about using Grantaire's room as an art studio again.

Instead, he lead his friend to the door, kissed him on both cheeks, and wished him well. He watched him go like one sits by the sea and waits for the light to sink.

The thing was, Jehan wasn't a saint. He was a human being with needs and desires of his own, and maybe he couldn't love Grantaire romantically, but he did love him. And for a year he had had everything he thought he would never be allowed to get, a best friend, a roommate, someone he could share his bed with at night and who would share Shakespeare-based puns with him over breakfast in the morning. And then a sungod had come in and ripped all of that from him, and he'd been forced to smile through it because Enjolras was his friend and Grantaire was happy.

But there had been something tense in Grantaire's shoulders as he'd packed his bags, and it had made Jehan want to scream. He didn't know how to tell the other man that he wanted him to come home without making it about his own pain and the feeling burned in his stomach like acid.

Jehan cried in his bed that night. He would have done it in Grantaire's, but he couldn't bear to step into the room that was now only a shadow of what it had once meant.

When Grantaire called him, three days later, in tears, there was a part of Jehan that felt vindicated. It wasn't enough to stop his stomach from twisting into knots as he whispered comforting platitudes until he could grasp anything coherent in Grantaire's distressed babbling.

“I don't understand what's happening, I don't understand why we just... why we can't... It's like ey can't hear what I'm saying, and I don't understand what ey wants me to tell em, I just...”

“It's okay. It's okay, Grantaire, you don't have to understand everything, just calm down a little. Right now you're panicking. You can't see things clearly if you're panicking.”

“I haven't seen anything clearly in weeks, Jehan. Everything's all blurry now.”

“That's just the alcohol talking.”

“No. It's really not. I wish it was.”

When Jehan saw Enjolras the next day, as they met up with all their friends, he couldn't even be angry. Ey look frazzled. Not in a dramatic way, but anything less than perfection was already dramatic when it came to Enjolras.

Grantaire had made Jehan promise not to say anything to em about their phone call, and Jehan respected that promise even if he didn't like it. That didn't stop him from watching Enjolras intently. There was a weariness to eir gaze that perfectly echoed Grantaire's for the past few days. Eir eyes kept drifting across the room, and Jehan didn't doubt that ey was asking emself the same question that was on his own lips: where was Grantaire?

At one point in the evening, Enjolras' eyes settled on Jehan. He met the gaze face on. He had nothing to hide. He wasn't ashamed of the pain and the fear he felt. It wasn't anything he didn't know he had a right to.

Enjolras didn't recoil. Ey bore the brunt of Jehan's attention and the accusation that sat hiding there. Ey looked on, weary, lost. There was a taste at the back of Jehan's throat that felt like pity, but he swallowed it.

When Grantaire finally came back to their shared flat, he was completely drenched from the storm outside.

“I had an umbrella with me, but I thought this would be more fitting.”

“That sounds like you, yeah.”

Grantaire stayed in the hallway. The sound of water droplets dripping from his hair and hitting the floor echoed ominously.

“I missed you.”

Jehan didn't reply. He didn't know what to say.

“I'm not feeling very good. I think I haven't felt very good in quite a while. I think I didn't realise that you made me feel that way. Good. Like I was good.”

Jehan breathed in. He breathed out. He stopped the screams that were trying to fight their way out of his mouth.

“I got everything I ever wanted. It was supposed to be perfect. It was, I guess. Or it felt like it. For a while. Now it's just... Hell is too warm a word. It's just something rotten. It's taken so much away from me. It's taken you away from me. I thought I couldn't have you both, and I picked em and it... you know that thing about boiling frogs by raising the water's temperature so slowly they don't even try to escape? It was like that.”

Jehan was fighting back tears. Between the two of them, they were about to flood the entire building.

This wasn't what he'd wanted. This was never what he'd wanted. He only wished for Grantaire to be happy. With or without him. Jehan had accepted his fate, he was okay with being left behind if it was for the greater good.

This didn't feel like the greater good. He suddenly wondered if refusing to raise his weapons hadn't been giving up the fight too soon.

“How is it fair to you that I only come back in pieces?”

“It's not.”

“Will you take me back anyway?”

“Of course I will.”

[popculturebuffet]

Prince of Wishful Thinking: A Tom Lucitor Retrospective and Character Study: Part 1: Firey Little Shit

Star Vs the Forces of Evil is a .. complicated subject for me. When it started it was somewhat hit and miss but the premise was intresting: Star Butterfly is a magical princess, having just got her families ancestral wand.. and a few days later, or a jumpcut in the actual episode later materials revealed the actual time span, sets everything on fire and is sent to earth. There she meets best friend and, to my delight that eventually turned into “OH GOD JUST END THIS WILL THEY OR WON’T THEY SHIT ALREADY” I haven’t seen since the likes of Ross and Rachel that warrants it’s own damn article, and gets into various shenanigans while battling a gang of “monsters”, a general term for most non-mewmans  on Mewni, lead by a spoiled king, Ludo, who wants the wand. 

Things got turned on their head quickly, as “Mewnipendance Day’ revealed that the Mewmans (Humans in all but name really) took mewni by force, using magic to cast the monsters into poverty, which as the series and “Magic Book of Spells” would reveal, caused a cycle of death and bloodshed with no defendants. It changed the show for the better, as the plot, while heavy handed is a necessary one given these prejduice filled times we live in and how well it’s crafted. And it’s into the show slowly coming into it’s own a new character was introduced: He had been announced by the crew in the show’s press junket was in the title but took most of season 1 to show up... and he’d end up being one of the sho’ws saving graces as it dived into bullshit and go through one of the most through character arcs of the show. HIs name was Tom Lucitor, Star’s obsessive demon Ex-Boyfriend, and this is his story.

THE MAGIC BOOK OF SPELLS

Before we get there though, we have to take at rip down side material mountain... this time to the Magical Book of Spells. The Book of Spells was a real life verison of a book we’d seen in the show itself that recorded the previous queens of Mewni’s spells and held Glossarcyk, a magical being who assited the queens throughout the decades. The real version was used to tell each of the Queens, even the three we see on screen’s stories.. star included. As such it not only gives us some, if sadly not enough, more of his actual relationship with star pre-series, but also the full background on his kingdom’s relationship with hers. See while the Butterflies control the majority of mewni, their Kingdom isn’t endless and there are half a dozen others, most of which aren’t really that fleshed out. But The Lucitor’s are somewhat of an exception: The Lucitors rule the underworld, basically Mewni’s hell where all sorts of skeletons, demons and ghouls exist. You know funny little ghouls. 

I had to. Anyways the Lucitor kingdom also has Mewmans, due to some demons kidnapping a bunch years ago. Whoops.

Despite you know, kidnapping a bunch of their people, the Lucitors and Butterflies ended up close allies. This is thanks to the efforts of Mewni’s ambassador, Jushtin who was supposed to be Mewni’s first King to wield the wand... but his mom was pressured into having a sister. Said sister Solaria, to not mince words, was a genocidal monster who slowly descended into madness and tried to kill all monsters declaring outright war on them, but things were tense at first and they needed allies. So the Lucitors, along with the Cloud Kingdom of the Pony Heads which are exactly what they sound like, helped turn the tide. So things were cool for a few decades, and then we get to the reign of Rhina the Riddled. Rhina, who the book all but says is aromantic and likely asexual as well, was shoved into an arranged marriage with John Roachely, a second cousin who had no impact on the Lucitor side of the Genepool whatsoever and thus Star and Tom aren’t really related at all. I bring this up only because if I don’t tackle the incest allegations, someone will try and use that against me. I’d say i’m being paranoid but i’ve seen the rabid shippers use far less to attack Tom, so no. Rhina, to make things go smoother, cast a spell to make her love him.... it didn’t work longterm and, to get him to leave her, cast a heart break spell on him.. which LITERALLY broke his heart, and thus she was left a widow and the demons were not happy about her you know, whoopsie daisy murdering one of them likely set up with her a bridge between both sides and soured things for a while. Now you may all be asking: “Kay, intresting.. but what’s all this game of thrones but with flying pony heads, so better game of thrones, stuff gotta do with tom?” Well wait no more. Luckily for me, Star has a section in the book, and thus she spills the tea on her first metting with Tom. The two met at the Silver Bell Ball, an annual ball where the royalty of Mewni gather and the princes and princesses all dance once each as a good will gesture. The reason I went through the Rhina stuff is I’m guessing Star, who attended the ball every year according to the book and likely since at least she was old enough to dance, didn’t meet Tom earlier because his parents hadn’t been on good enough terms to bring him till he was 13, and River and Moon, Star’s parents, had succeeded in winning them over. The book nor the series dosen’t outright say this but given what we see later and what we have, it’s what i’m going with. We’ll get more into Tom’s personality when we get to his first in series appearance, but being a charming young man, and the first person her age at the ball Star found remotely attractive, they quickly set up a date for the boardwalk in the underworld for Cornshakes, because Mewni loves corn as much as I love Galarian Meowth. He looks so adorably homeless. But naturally if a snowball can’t last in hell, a shake can’t either, but even melted corn can’t ruin their good time and Tom even buys star a gift. I bring this up because said gift is star’s signiture devil horn headband. (Though Star is quick to announce she isn’t one of those annoying people who comes back from a trip thinking their a local). A real steal too at 14.99 or your second born’s soul. Most demons go for the first born, it’s a classy change of pace. The two eventually end up making it official, and star even gets a helpful pamphelt about Demons’ love of mascera, their anger and their tendency to tell their mom’s everything... the latter two will actually be really important as we go. But due to Tom’s anger as we’ll find out, the two end up breaking up and frustratingly we don’t learn the exacts just star was sad.. and that said depression lead to said kingdom distruction and the rest of the series. And since I covered the premise of the series above we can basically scoot right onto Tom’s first apperance.

BLOOD MOON BALL

Before this ep, Tom made a small cameo in another ep when her magic mirror, basically portrayed as working as a person sized video phone, accidently called him when she said call Mom. As a nice little bit of foreshadowing Tom flew into a rage at her preparing to hang up on him , even though it was a wrong number and they’d been broken up for a few   months at this point. But it’d be an agonizing wait for Tom. I was curious about the character, given not much had been revealed, I missed the episode with his cameo, and the animatic for BMB’s first scene was released months before the episode came out and was really funny and intresting. Said scene has Tom making one hell of an entrance, landing from the sky in a cool carriage with a skeletal horse, floating in and catching eyes and floating up to Star’s desk in class to ask her out with the moon.

Star.. has no interest and shoves tom, hilarious as while they just cut to the front of school, she had to have been mildly shoving him all the way from her class up a hallway, and outside. And passing Jackie, marco’s crush I bring up because why not and Janna, Star’s future close friend who we’ll get to more later, since he did earlier and they now have to go from oggling tom to wondering what the hell their seeing. She also tells him to take his dead horse back, which leads to one of my faviorite gags of the series  as said horse says “Wait, I was dead” and later, mid conversation about her going to said Ball, randomly interjects with “why didn’t you tell me I was dead?” That poor poor horse. You should come live with me. I don’t have a car, I could use a skeletal horse and I would tell you if you were dead man. Hit me up. But Tom tries to convince star he’s changed, he’s got an anger managment bunny, a counselor Brian (voiced by my guy Stephen Root, who you may better know as the voice of Bill Dautrive, the mayor in Amphibia or Bud Gleeful), and he’s doing fine.. then Marco goes and Karate chops his hand off, thinkign he was a danger. Tom gets really angry, to Star’s horror, which tells me she saw this sort of thing a LOT: tom getting this level of pissed at someone and likely leveling either them or everything around them. Thankfully Brian calms him down and Star introduces them and Tom , like the gentleman he is , gives her a bell to take her to the ball and time to think. Star, impressed by him calming down and trying, takes him up on it over Marco’s objections and worries about her safety, including the amasingly radar busting line “Never go with a predator to a second location” and the dance is on. As it turned out, Tom toned things down, ,less death and murder and more prom, to try and impress her and is annoyed when Star turns down his corsage.. which is a live spider. Which i’m generous to her on because spiders scare the shit out of me unless their pokemon. Seriously look at this sweetheart:

Who could be terrified of that face? Such a sweetie. Anyways, Tom is angry about it and his anger only increases when he wants to dunk himself and star in unicorn blood.. because while on earth dumping blood on someone makes them go on a psychic rampage you brought on yourselves, in the underworld is just a teen dance thing. But since one of Star’s best friend is a unicorn, something Tom has no excuse for not knowing as Pony is close to her and a princess in her own right and he had to have met her in his months dating star, and gets pissy over.. and star catches him having to pet his therapy bunny over it and walks off annoyed to get some punch.

And it’s with this Tom’s problems become apparent: He has charm, grace.. but he isn’t really TRYING to change, nor does he see WHY Star hates his anger. Sure he has a counsler, he has coping mechanisms things that would actually HELP him get better.. if he WANTED to. He dosen’t want to control his temper, he dosen’t want to get better he just wants Star back, and that’s why it’s not working: He’s making an effort, but it’s for the wrong reasons and without trying to tackle the root of his issues. He’s just trying to take the easiest way out, which is a problem that will crop up again next time. His second one is easier to illustrate when his plan becomes clear: turns out there’s a magical binding curse thing, it was clarified more in Season 4 but I feel no reason to leave it vauge here, and tom wants to bind his and Star’s souls together forever. He later admits he assumed she knew about that going in.. but it still dosen’t excuse his actions entirely and brings us to that flaw I was building towards: He’s selfish. He changed the ball to impress star, he shoved a corsage on her she didn’t one, got ANGRY, visably angry, at her turning down something he shoudl’ve known just by having dated her before would be a non-starter and worst of all he wanted to bind her to him forever without asking, just assuming she agreed by going. Star can be selfish at this stage too, especially this early on.. but underneath it she cares about people, even if she sometimes goes about it in the same fashion tom does here, she comes from a good place. Really both of this seems to come from them being royalty: both have had privlage their entire life and been insulated from a lot of things.. and Tom being raised in an environment where anger is normal and he gets whatever he wants from two loving parents and an army of servants, probably meant he never HAD to think of anyone else and as the series goes on, never had any friends except a Dog that we never see and probably sadly died. My theroy is Little Lord Fooleroy got ran over by Deatruk, the truck what runs over people, but i’m stupid like that. This winds up costing Tom his soul binding thing as Marco in disguise, being goaded by.. something that’s never remotely explained seriously what exactly the fuck was that creepy deep voice to crash the ball, ends up dancing with her. Shippers squeed, this was probably used in a jillion AMV’s.. and Tom naturally is pissssseeeed and ready to flambe Marco... until star takes him out with zero effort. They go home, Star berates Marco for not trusting her , end of episode.. oh and they speak in unison for a quick gag but i’m sure that won’t be important. As you can probably see her Tom was origianlly supposed to be a recurring pain in the backside for our heroes, showing up to win back Star, pull some “Nice Guy” Crap and then get his ass kicked most likely.. but after the end of Season 1, it was a fairly short season, the writers for whatever reason, and for the better decided to have Tom slowly change a bit.. but since him becoming a better person would be abrubt he has to do one lass dickhole thing first...

MR CANDLE CARES

And now we’ve come to Tom’s worst act, the thing that had he not fixed it the way he had at the end, made him an outright villain. Star and Marco have meetings with the new guidance counselor, who gives eveyrone else great career trajectories but for Star and Marco? Star gets a rather overbearing lecture on how she has to be queen when she grows up and probably shoudln’t date Marco and should be picking a future husband, ewwww, and Marco gets the unitetinonally, given Tom probably knows only about enough about earth to concot this scheme, offensive career path as janitor.. for an honor roll student with a bunch of extracurriculars. Yeah but Tom’s accidental racisim aside, while what he did to Marco was petty , what he’s trying to do to Star is creepy, basically using someone else to gaslight her into trying to get back together with him. But as noted above, Tom is selfish and as I haven’t noted yet he lacks some empathy.. so instead his advice sends Star spiraling not helped by her mother, Moon, basically telling her she has no choice in being queen and being happy dosen’t matter.. because Moon was kind of a dick at this stage. So while star gets a punk makeover and prepares to do something terrible to prevent her miserable future, Marco decides to confront candle and, as I didn’t even try to hide, Tom is behind this. Granted Tom wasn’t great at hiding it either, it’s just star was understandably concerned about her future and too distracted by that to pick up on how weirdly intrested Mr.Candle was in her dating life. But no i’ts Tom who is, and Marco baits him by pretending he and star are “Smooch Buddies”.. something the trailers for Season 2, and this episode was pretty early, used as a bait and switch, but I’m okay with it as most could probably tell something was up by the delivery. Naturally this proves to be a terrible idea, and i’d say it’s the dumbest thing Marco ever did if Season 3 didn’t take a sledgehammer to his character, but that’s an essay for another day, and Tom takes Marco back to his place to murder him... but Marco stands strong and Tom challenges him to a battle to the death, with Marco choosing ping-poing. Tom naturally destroys him.. but Marco uses the game to point some things out: After calling tom out for bascially cheating, since his powers give him the upper hand, Tom talks about Star doing the same, basically making up her own rules as soon as she looses. Marco then uses this to make tom see what a butt he’s been: The ping pong thing is just another example of how Star functions, doing whatever she wants and going her own way. It’s why being forced down the path of queen scares her so much, it’s responsiblity and rules and no fun as far as she can tell with no benifits. It’s why she rebels so much.. she can’t be told what to do.. which Marco makes Tom realize means he can’t control her, nor would he want to, and that he’s made a huge mistake. Tom forgoes killing Marco, and the two rush to star who’s on the edge of cutting of a mermaid’s tail to prevent her from ever being queen.. but just can’t do it. Star can be selfish, the above cheating shows that.. but she’s a good person deep down. Tom admits what he did.. and throughly apologizes for it, agreeing basically to let Star go and stop trying to force her back with him. Star does punch him for good measure, deservedly so, but they part on good terms and Marco reassures Star when she’s Queen she can rule her way, and they hug.. and notably Tom dosen’t get the least bit upset. Mr.Candle Cares is a good second ep. I’ve made no bones about how this is the worst thing Tom did: The controlling stuff at the ball was just selfish, the blood moon thing while not GREAT was asbent minded selfishness. This... it nearly broke star and ruined her future. However it comes from the same place as Blood Moon and his reaction at the end shows he simply didn’t consider star’s feelings.. and likely realize he HADN’T been. it wasn’t Marco’s fault they weren’t together, it was Tom’. While the Apology is a minor thing, it’s still a step in the right direction. As I said had he NOT backed away here he probably never would’ve gotten better or even if he tried, gone so far in trying to get star back he couldn’t walk it back. Here he hit his lowest point.. but thanks to Marco, he had a chance to turn it around before it was too late and grow as a person. This is where Tom gets compelling: he goes from a spoiled selfish douchey rich kid, to someone who clearly WANTS to be better, but has issue, social and otherwise, that make it an uphill battle. And with that we get to tom’s penultimate apperance for Season 2, and his last full one...

Friendenemies:

Tom shows up again and while Star tries to shoo him off before she has to get the shooing broom, Tom reveals he’s not there for Star but Marco. See he feels bad about you know, trying to kill him twice and wants to take Star’s Marco out tonight he’s gonna show him what he’s all about, he’s gonna get jacked up on some cheap champagne and let the good times all roll out. Marco understandably does not want a night out with a guy who was creepy to his best friend and tried murdering him twice, so Tom uses a bribe: tickets to the Mackie Hand, a martial artist that Marco is a huge fan of, film festival that Marco failed to get tickets to. With some encouragment from Star, who while not wanting to date Tom sees he’s genuinely making an effort, Marco agrees They hang out in Tom’s carriage which goes by tardis logic, if only, and to the creator’s credit, just so, and the two soon bond, finding a shared love of both Mackie Hand and the pop band love sentence, and Marco genuinely earns tom’s respect when some shades wearing piles of smug challenge our heroes, which Tom now counts as at this point, to a race, Marco agrees... then has them do nothing while the idiots speed up and get arrested and we get the blessed image above. The good times get interrupted though when it’s time for the marathon but tom locks him inside. And no this isn’t the start of some angry makeouts, as it turns out this was part of tom’s anger management therapy, but once again his propensity for the easy way out means he fails at it and burns up the tickets.. but Marco is more upset that Tom lied to him and pretended to be his friend and like mackie hand, though the love sentence thing was real> The whole thing plays more like a breakup than the end of a blossming friendship, which ties into how this episode got people shipping Marco and Tom with each other.. and rightfully so. While I don’t really ship it myself, I can see why as it has great chemstry and a great dynamic. Tom’s behavior here is part of why I say he has social issues, something I can relate to as a cave troll living in my mother’s basement: Tom dosen’t seem to have any real friends. Oh sure he can charm people, he has servants, two loving parents, and a screeching grandpa whose on the wall of my own personal heroes along with Ric Flair, My Mother, Stan Lee, Peter David, Rebecca Sugar and many more, but he dosen’t have FRIENDS. Star seems to be his first relationship and the first thing resembling a true friend he had, so while his behavior was a tad creepy it makes sense why he clung to her. And that shows here: He tries superfically bonding with marco, faking an intrest, giving him gifts, partying.. but it’s both forming a genunine connection over something, Love Sentence, and just sharing some memories that ended up making them friends. But yeah after Marco sings a sad pop ballad, or part of one. Tom decides to do a three point grand romantic gesture and raises Mackie Hand from the dead, and when Mackie isn’t allowed into his own film festival he fights the ticket guy and tom and marco watch and while they say they hate each other, the two’s friendship is forged. Marco finally has a friend outside of two doofuses and .. does Janna count? I dunno. She’s less of a friend and more of a gremlin who steals his things constantly while being actual friends with his bestie. Before we close out this leg there’s one final episode for season 2 with Tom in it to cover and dive into: Naysaya.

Naysaya comes literally just before the mid-season finale and Tom sadly disappears for the rest of the season, though he’ll be back and in greater numbers  in Season 3. I’m not covering it full because it’s not a full on tom episode, he only has a short cameo, but he is important to it and his one brief bit shows off his  character. In short Marco is finally asking out Jackie Lynn Thomas, his crush and a great character in her own right who sadly all but vanished from the show shortly into season 3 after something we’ll get to in passing next time, but got some great closure and was revealed to be Pansexual, so good for her. Marco had been building up to this for the last two seasons: first realizing thanks to time shenanigans he never made a move, then actually talking to her, and then not only telling her how he felt but realizing he didn’t know her but he’d like to. So now he’s ready to ask her out but every time he tries, written or spoken, it comes out as his most embarrassing secrets before the little neck tumor man comes out up there and does it for him. Thanks to Janna, local roustabout mentioned above, who after teasing Marco as is her usual response to anything with him, uses her knowledge of the spooky oooky to find out what that thing is: a Naysya, a curse born creature that spills it’s target’s most embarrassing secrets at whoever they try to court. Naturally, given Tom was an insanley jealous ball of asshole until a few episodes ago, it’s his fault though showing his slow growth, while he’s entirely suprised Marco asked no one out since the ball, says the guy who did two schemes and a shenanigan trying ot get star back, he’s also sorry and assumed it’d worn off or he would’ve told him sooner, and tells him how: he has to let all his insecurities out> Marco nearly withdraws over this due to being 90% insecurity, but eventually buckles down and tells jackie every embrassing thing about  him and.. it works. Naysaya leaves and he and Jackie go out on a group date. And with that Tom is gone for a while but he, and this retrospective will be back.  I owe a huge debt of grattitude to @jess-the-vampire​, a dear friend, and wish her a happy belated birthday. She was a willing and helpful resource and worth a follow. And if you want more stuff like this, comics reviews, and what have you, feel free to follow or comisson me. Until next time, keep the home fires burning. 

[lothiriel84]

Can’t Fight This Feeling

What started out as friendship, has grown stronger I only wish I had the strength to let it show

A Cabin Pressure ficlet. Set in my These words are all we have (We'll be talking) universe. Aromantic!Tiffy.

They meet at a horse dressage event; she’s the friend of a friend of Minty’s, and he takes a shine to her right from the start. She doesn’t talk much, until he lets it slip that he’s an airline steward – or airdot, as it happens – and her face lights up all of a sudden. He tells her everything about G-ERTI – well, minus the bit about his Dad, actually – and she tells him about going plane-spotting on the riverbank south of Fitton Airfield sometimes.

In the end, he writes down his phone number on a scrap of paper he finds in his pocket, and she promises she will text next time she’s in the area. She doesn’t give him her number, but that’s okay, he thinks; still, he looks her up on Facebook that night, and he almost sends her a friend request, but in the end decides against it. If she wants to text him, that’s up to her, and he’s fine with it, honestly.

(He scrolls past the relationship status, trying really hard not to think about what ‘it’s complicated’ means, and closes the page.)

Tiffy texts him a week and a half later, but he doesn’t get the text until they land in New Delhi, and they won’t be back in Fitton for another four days, anyway. Pushing away at his sudden disappointment, he sends a photo of G-ERTI all locked up in her hangar, and Tiffy immediately texts back to say she’s a beauty, which brings a huge grin to Arthur’s face.

When he sprints to catch up with Skip and the others, Mum eyes him suspiciously, as if she’s wondering what he’s been up to; he slips his phone back into his pocket and tries to act as if nothing happened, which he suspects he’s not entirely successful at.

A week later, he’s doing the hoovering when his phone pings with a new text from Tiffy; he tells her he’ll join her in twenty minutes, very nearly forgets to lock everything up in his haste to leave the Portakabin. By the time he gets to the top of the riverbank, Tiffy’s already there, camera in hand, snapping away at the small Piper that just took off. For a moment there, he wishes he were like Skip, but Tiffy doesn’t seem to mind his questions about all the different types of plane she’s managed to photograph so far.

He tells her about Karl, how great it is to have his familiar voice welcome them home; she tells him about taking photography lessons, and when it gets too dark for plane-spotting, they go to a nearby café where Arthur buys her the most extravagant hot chocolate he can think of. Tiffy smiles, thanks him for a lovely afternoon, and promises to call soon.

She does, two days later, and he doesn’t care that Douglas is glancing at him across the Portakabin as if he knows exactly what’s going on; he’s just happy to hear from her, and no amount of teasing can change that, not even Douglas’. They arrange to go for a walk together next Friday; Tiffy said she absolutely loves dogs, and he can’t wait for her to meet Snoopadoop in person – or, well, in animal, he supposes, but it doesn’t matter.

It takes all of five minutes for Snoopadoop to decide she likes Arthur’s new friend; they spend a lovely day in the park, playing with Snoopadoop and wandering aimlessly through the trees. Tiffy is smiling a lot, and it makes his heart beat a little faster every time; he’s pretty sure he’s grinning like an idiot now, but she doesn’t seem to mind, so that’s all right, too.

When it’s time to say goodbye, Arthur impulsively leans in to press a little peck on her cheek; he means it as a friendly kiss, mostly, as he’s still not entirely clear what their little outings are all about, and he’s not at all prepared for the way she recoils, as if burned.

“I’m – sorry,” he hastens to apologise, feeling like he just did something unspeakably horrible. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”

Tiffy’s face is carefully blank now, and Arthur has to fight the urge to step closer in his desperate need to comfort her. “I – have to go now,” she speaks stiltedly, almost trips in her haste to get away from him. Arthur stands there for a long time, ignoring Snoopadoop’s repeated attempts at getting his attention, mentally calling himself all the worst names he can think of.

Back home, he leaves a note explaining he’s not coming down for dinner tonight, locks himself in his room, and spends the next two hours writing and deleting several texts in rapid succession. In the end, he settles for a simple I’m terribly sorry for making you uncomfortable, and I understand if you don’t want to see me again.

He presses send, turns off his phone, and spends the rest of the night tossing and turning until he eventually falls asleep sometime around dawn. When he switches his phone on in the morning, there is no text waiting for him, so naturally he assumes she’s still angry for what he did, and he honestly can’t say he blames her.

Mum’s waiting for him at the office, so he downs a cup of lukewarm coffee, and settles for nibbling at a couple of biscuits as he forgoes his car in favour of a brisk walk to the airfield. He pauses in front of the door to the Portakabin, makes an effort to summon a smile so that the others won’t notice – much.

“There you are,” Mum sighs, reaching for her bag on her way out. “Drivers are already out there doing whatever it is they like to do when we’re on standby. I’m going down to the canteen, please don’t do anything stupid in my absence.”

“Right-o,” he shrugs, and very nearly trips on his own two feet when he finally notices there is someone sitting behind Douglas’ desk, and it most definitely isn’t Douglas.

“Tiffy,” he says, idiotically – yes, that’s her name, do keep up Arthur – finding it surprisingly hard to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat. “Hi.”

She stands up, arms wrapped protectively around her front, which doesn’t seem terribly promising. “Sorry I didn’t text you back. I owe you a proper explanation, and didn’t know how to fit it all into a text.”

“It’s okay,” he blurts out from where he’s still rooted to the spot, not daring to come any closer. “I know it’s all my fault.”

“No,” she counters quickly, and way more forcefully than he’s expecting. “That’s the whole point. You were absolutely lovely, Arthur, and I shouldn’t have run away like that.”

He glances down, absently notices there’s a smudge of dirt on his right shoe. “I know I should always ask before kissing or hugging someone, I just – forgot.”

“Oh, Arthur,” she sounds like she’s about to cry now, and he can almost feel his stomach drop somewhere in the vicinity of his shoes.

“I don’t suppose we could still be friends, can we?” he pleads softly, even against his better judgement – which is not that good, admittedly. “It’s just, I really like you, and it’s okay if you’d rather not, but,” he trails off, wishing for Douglas’ eloquence to descend upon him, somehow.

Tiffy shakes her head, her fingers worrying at the thin white gold ring he’s always seen her wearing on her left middle finger. “I like you too. More than just as a friend, I mean. Only, I don’t – I’m aromantic, actually,” she finish in a rush, as if anticipating her statement will invariably get challenged, for some reason.

“Oh! Okay then,” he nods, brain working overtime to slot all the pieces together.

“It’s all right if you don’t know what that means,” she adds, sounding a bit like she’s been through this a lot.

“But I do, I think?” he frowns in concentration. “It’s sort of like being asexual, but with romantic attraction, right?”

She looks at him as if he just offered her a lift on his own charter plane, pilots and everything. “That’s – yes, that’s pretty much spot on. Most people haven’t even heard of either of those words, you know.”

“Oh, you see, Mum sent me on a course on understanding people in Ipswich,” he explains, heart leaping in his throat when the beginnings of a smile play out across Tiffy’s face. “In fact, I know what we could do – if you still want to spend time with me, that is.”

“Believe me, I do – I’m just not sure it’s a good idea, that’s all.”

He’s almost afraid to ask, but he finds he absolutely needs to know. “Because of what I did yesterday?”

“Because I think you’re romantically attracted to me, and as much as I wish I were attracted to you, it’s simply not going to happen.”

“I don’t mind,” Arthur says with absolute conviction. “We can just be whatever you want us to be. In fact, what I was trying to tell you is, we should make a list. Well, could – it’s up to you really.”

Tiffy blinks, slowly. “A list?”

“That’s another thing they taught us in Ipswich! We should write down all the things you’re okay with, and then all the things you’re not, so that I won’t get those two mixed up ever again.”

“That’s – really quite thoughtful, Arthur. It’s not really fair on you, though, is it?”

He tilts his head to the side, considering. “Actually, what is really not fair is you having to put up with stuff you’re not comfortable with, just because someone else assumes it’s fine.”

“Two lists,” she agrees at last, taking a step closer and extending her hand for Arthur to take. He does so with a smile, cradles her fingers ever so gently. “One for you, one for me.”

“Oh, that’s easy. I’m fine with pretty much anything, except shouting – well, and fighting, too.”

They stand there holding hands and smiling tentatively at one another, until Arthur remembers Mum is probably hovering outside, waiting for the two of them to be done talking. “Listen, I need to be here for the rest of the day if the client decides to show up after all, but I’m free tomorrow. Do you think you’d mind joining Snoopadoop and me for another walk?”

Tiffy squeezes his hand, a soft smile tugging at her lips. “I’d love to. And I believe I owe Snoopadoop an apology as well.”

“Well, she’s a dog, so she probably won’t know what aromatic means.”

“Aromantic,” she corrects him, but she looks at least a little bit amused. “See you tomorrow, then.”

Arthur gets the brief urge to kiss her goodbye again, like he was used to with his previous girlfriends, but he clamps down on it straight away. And she’s not your girlfriend, Arthur, not unless she agrees to put that on her list.

He walks her to the parking lot, and she gives his hand another squeeze, before finally letting him go; he waves her off as she drives away, then slowly heads back to the Portakabin. There he finds Carolyn back at her desk, looking for all the world as if she never left the office – if it weren’t for the tall cup of canteen coffee sitting in front of her, and the faintest trace of maternal worry clouding her expression – and on a sudden impulse, he sidles up to her and throws his arms around her neck in the closest thing to a bear hug he knows she will tolerate.

“Not that I’m not touched by this sudden display of affection, dear heart, but if I may, what brought this on, exactly?”

“Just happy,” he mumbles, mindful of not mussing up her hair. “That’s all.”

She ostensibly shakes her head and rolls her eyes, but he can feel her posture relax fractionally. “Yes, well. Why don’t you go and make yourself useful, then? I believe our useless pilots will soon require their teas and coffees, and I’m not splurging out on any more fancy hot drinks from the canteen.”

“Righto, Mum,” he grins, and all but waltzes into the kitchenette.

[saltyaro]

I would like it so much if I could just be. Done with alloros. Except I can’t because I don’t know of any aro IRL and this sucks. This is mostly just a rant, I need to get those feelings out. 

Okay so the person I loved the most in the world just ditched me like I’m a dirty  rag last week. On the sadness part, I’m taking it better than I thought I would, potentially because I actually saw it coming. 

But also probably because, right now, I’m more angry than sad (which is a good thing because being sad just makes me suicidal so yeah good thinking me you’re doing great) because...we had been “friends” for 5 years. She knew everything about me and I probably knew next to everything about her. So, because she knew me so well, she also knew what would hurt me the most. Which is why, when I began feeling I was going to get ditched, a few months ago, I asked her if she didn’t want me around anymore. She reassured me, saying that wouldn’t happen! I couldn’t trust her word on that for a multitude of reasons, so I asked her if she could promise me that she would tell me if she didn’t want me in her life anymore. She was like “of course!” because she knows that not knowing is the worst she could have done. I mean, it’s a lack of basic decency, from my point of view, and she assured me she felt the same. If you don’t want someone in your life anymore, and this person hasn’t wronged you, then you owe it to them to at least tell them. It’s the bare minimum. 

Then for the last 2 months she just. Ignored me. Didn’t answer any of my messages. So I think I knew it was over, and I sent her a text, asking to talk. And it naturally didn’t go well because her first reaction was to lie and tell me it wasn’t like that, that she just hadn’t seen the notifications! For 2 months! And I knew it was a lie because I covered that base, I sent messages on different days because hey, it can happen, I wanted to believe she didn’t have the time, or hadn’t seen it. So I explained that to her and she finally admitted that she was distanciating herself from me, and that it was over. 

She didn’t even respected me enough for making the effort to be honest with me. She knew it was the worst thing she could do to me, and she still did it. It hurts so much. She was my everything and I never mattered to her, not even enough to be in her thoughts for 20 seconds, for her to send a text, even just “hey i don’t want to be friends anymore, bye”. It wouldn’t have been hard, especially given she knew how I feel. 

That’s the main dish, but one of the other things I just. find difficult to digest is that she tried to find excuses, reasons for ditching me when, there just wasn’t a need? She warped my words and just. Flat out invented things I never said. It’s a good (?) thing I’m used to such bullshit from my mom I guess. Does make me relativize a bit though, seeing how she handles breakups, does make me feel a bit of an idiot for having loved and admired her so much. 

Anyway, she told me I was bad for her mental health because I talked to her about feeling suicidal. Which, okay, I did it once, asked for permission before? I haven’t done it after that one time and I would stop anything you didn’t like, I’ve done it in the past? Also, for the past 5 years, I’ve supported her through her depression and numerous suicide attempts, which never bothered me, I did that because I loved her, so it doesn’t make me virtuous, but I’m not liking the double standard. I asked for her permission and well, she gave it to me, and it’s somehow my fault. Hard to digest coming from the person from literally attempted to kill herself right in front of my eyes but okay. 

I mean. You don’t need a reason, she could have just told me her feelings changed and that would have been okay. What she did wasn’t though, I think? 

I...am aware that I probably only loved her so much because I don’t have anyone else. She, on the other hand, found other people, less depressed, less aromantic (she always struggled actually awknowledging that, like, she knew and never consciously ignored it but it wasn’t as comfortable as her reaction back when I identified as ace), more interesting, with more personality. My personality is basically, that I’m kind, I have no other redeeming trait and of course she knows that. She knows everything there is to know about me. But now I’m back to being all alone and I just don’t know how I will go on. 

I wanted her to be an exception in my life, I wanted it so much! Convinced myself that my insecurities from recent months were just that, insecurities, and not rooted in reality. But I knew my time had passed. She’s getting better, so she doesn’t need me anymore, I did my job. Like everyone else in my life. I’m so tired of that. 5 years, only for that. All I asked was basic respect but she woudln’t even give me that, and it hurts. 

It also hurts because...I thought I was recovering. I thought I had finally managed to get out of relationships where I was only there to give and never receive, I genuinely thought she was the first piece of the wall. I guess I’m disappointed in myself because it took me 5 years to realize I actually never made any progress, and worse, I still can’t realize I’m being used. I’m supposed to be an adult, damn it! How come I still can’t do that?

I can’t even call my baby siblings to distract myself because they’re with my mother’s parents, so I’m reduced to trying to numb myself by playing video games. Won’t solve that I’m lonely because I’m so beat up by life that people avoid me because they don’t want to care for someone who isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Having a friend who’s broken would be bad right, they can’t be your slave if they’re trying to recover! And also because I’m too different for people’s tastes. It’s true that I do have a certain...combo of identities. But honestly, my aromanticism alone would probably be enough for people not wanting to engage with me. I feel like I would need to compensate so much for people to find me acceptable despite that. I don’t plan on changing who I am though, despite how tempting it could sound (don’t try to change who you are kids, the benefits will never amount to much while the negative consequences will be gigantic) I know from experience that it’s useless. 

End rant. I got a good cry out of writing this, it’s really weird how it wouldn’t have worked had I just written it out for no one to see. huh. Maybe it’s not normal. I don’t give a fuck right now though. 

[crackmadhi]

Day 10 - Truth

Monday, 17 August 2043 – Age 44 “Dad?”

Simon looked up from his tablet and observed Penda standing in the door frame. He shot her a wary smile and laid the device down.

Yuta was at Klavier’s with Tumaini. They had arranged a dinner together but Simon hadn’t felt up for it and now he was left here with Penda. Not that he minded. He loved her after all, even when she had said those things.

“Can I come and sit with you?” she asked waiting to properly step into their living room.

He nodded with a grin and she seemed to relax a bit. Carefully she sat down on the opposite side of the table and looked from him down to her hands, which she had folded.

“Yuta said I was not allowed to talk with you, except it was to apologize”, she said after a while and glimpsed up at him.

He let out a huff and clicked his tongue. They really had put their foot down this time. This had never happened before and Simon hoped it would never happen again. He really hoped it.

“They were too harsh”, Simon said and shook his head. “It should be enough that you aren’t allowed to get out with your friends for the next few weeks.”

“I want to agree”, the girl sighed and scratched her shoulder, “but I think it’s kinda appropriate.

I shouldn’t have said this. None of it. Never in that tone. And an apology is not going to take any of it back, but I really know this shouldn’t have happened. I’m really sorry Simon.”

She gulped and made a determined face. She didn’t want to cry and make him feel bad for her. This was meant to be about him and not her.

“I know that doesn’t fix anything but… I didn’t realize that it was already past eleven. I forgot the time and when you came, I thought you hadn’t waited for my call to get me and just came to get me early. I understand that that reason is not at all justifying my outburst and I don’t want it to justify it but uhm… I wanted to say that. Also, I know you love Yuta. And that you don’t think that the cause justifies the means. I was angry and tried to hurt you and I’m sorry that I did it. I’ll be better in the future. I- I-”

“It’s okay.”

Penda looked up. He sat there and observed her with so much patience. Just like this he was about to forgive her. She couldn’t understand, she never could.

“No”, she emphasized calm but determined, “it isn’t. What I said to you wasn’t okay. I mean, Yuta said I made you cry.”

“Yes, you did and no, it was not okay but I think we should have talked about some of this stuff before. You were angry, true, but there must be something behind your words that they came out this fast. This didn’t come from nothing, did it?”

Penda stared at him with her big dark brown eyes before she lowered her gaze and shamefully glimpsed aside. Of course, he would want to know why. He was, after all, a prosecutor.

She looked up again and watched him getting up and sit down beside her. He didn’t like to be on opposed sides when he was discussing such affairs. Reminded him too much of a trial.

“So”, he began and put his hands in down in his lap, “why do you think I wouldn’t take you seriously? I do care quite a bit about your opinion and I thought I was showing you that.”

“Well, not obvious enough for me then… I don’t know. It’s just… Your damn smart and pretty intimidating when you have to be and… When you listen to Yuta you always comment on stuff. With Tuma the same. But when you listen to my stuff, you often don’t say anything but just nod? Aren’t my ideas worth commenting too?”

Simon blinked. He hadn’t noticed that. He but she was right. He often didn’t verbally react to her inputs.

“I didn’t realize that I- I’m always glad to hear your opinion and I do take your inputs in account. I just often missed to react to them because, quite honestly, I didn’t have much to add. You’re a really smart woman, Penda. I don’t need to add or correct things, so I didn’t say anything. But I’ll tell you in the future that I like your ideas. Is that a plan?”

Coolly but with slightly flustered cheeks she answered: “Yeah. But only if you really like them. I don’t want praise for mediocre stuff.”

He smirked and nodded. Always wanting to do it right. A little fighter he had here.

“And you do not need to talk about the lying thing. I know you didn’t lie to me when I was in that room with Yuta and, well threatened them. I just still feel bad about it. It must have been really scary for you back then too, so that’s why I brought it up. Sorry. But I really know you don’t think it was my fault. Also, nothing happened, luckily, and I’m a lot smarter than then, so it won’t happen again.”

She had spoken hastily but still earnestly certain. He wasn’t going to discuss this with her, he knew her mind was too set in this topic. Instead he took her hand and got her to look up to him. A bit frightened she waited, quite sure what the next question would be.

“Why did you say these things about me hurting Yuta?”

This had been the part of her outburst he had not been able too explain at all. The not been taken serious parts, the distrust parts, the cause justifies the means parts, he could see where they could have been rooted in. Mostly teenage insecurity and some trauma but him not loving Nahyuta because he was aromantic, that he didn’t know where it was coming from.

“I mean”, he said after she remained gingerly silent, “you see how I act around them. You see how we are together. So why would I be hurting them with this?”

“Because of this!” she said without malice but some sort of desperation in her voice.

“I- I don’t understand? Because of what?”

“You act like you love them! Really, really love them! And not in such a lovey-dovey way like others do, but like really love! The way you always thank them when they cook, the way you help them decide on a dress when they ask you too, the way you just sit on the couch with them! Why are you saying it’s not romantic? I don’t get it. I don’t get why you say you were aromantic when you do all this stuff with them! Isn’t it hurtful for them when you indirectly say that you do not love them every time you tell people you’re aromantic?”

Wide eyed and with an open mouth he looked at her. Slowly he was breathing and watching his daughter gaping in real confusion at him.

She just didn’t understand the concept of his orientation properly. After two years living here with them, she still hadn’t understood it and had been too afraid to ask for clarification at this point.

“Pie”, he said softly and laid his hand on hers, “aromantic doesn’t mean I don’t love. It means I do experience romantic love for any person. Some people who are aromantic would never date or have a qpr, but there are many that do. And sure, some people would call the things I and Yuta do romantic, but to me they aren’t. To me they are things I like to do with them because they are my very best friend and a partner I can always rely on. Because I trust them. Because I like their closeness and warmth and wit. I love them without any doubt, just like you said and observed so sharply, just not romantically. And I love you and your brother just as much, you know? I was very sure I wouldn’t get the chance to raise children anymore, but now I have you two and it is so much better than I ever could have imagined. You are a miracle to me and I want you to know that I love you, Tuma and Nahyuta with no doubt and regret. Okay?”

The girl bit her lip and nodded eventually. And at once out of nowhere she stood up to hug him. Surprised he reciprocated her hug and drove over her narrow back. He felt her telling him ‘I love you too’ like this. Right now, she couldn’t utter the words but this was far more than enough for him. Sometimes he appreciated the gesture far more than the words.

“You know you can always ask me about the orientation topics, right? I will not be angry with you for not knowing when you have a genuine question”, he said as they ended the hug.

Penda nodded and promised to ask in the future. Simon smiled and proposed to order Indian food. She agreed and ran to get her phone. Yet before she left the living room she turned around and said to him: “As we are in this whole ‘truth be told’ mood; You’re a really good father. A lot better than the our biological one. And to me, right now, you’re pretty much the best.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19003753/chapters/45567043

[scriptlgbt]

Roma(n)ce: a primer

anonymous asked:

I’m having a bit of a problem with some of my characters… I am aroace, but many of my characters are not. So, any tips on writing romance and attraction and desire? How does all of that work? And how can I write it without having experienced it?

anonymous asked:

Hey! I’m ace but my characters aren’t all- what does sexual attraction feel like? What does romantic attraction? Thank you!!!

gracefulpancake asked:

I’m an aromantic ace, who has absolutely no idea of what attraction feels like (whether romantic or sexual) and I was wondering if you could give me sort of a crash course in what attraction feels like and how to write it as a sub plot for a novel?

(I’d also appreciate if you could answer the following questions, but if not, that’s fine)

Also does homosexual/romantic attraction feel different than heterosexual/romantic attraction?

What do people mean when they say someone is their “type?”

And are there degrees of attraction to another person? Can someone be attracted multiple people at the same time/on different levels?

This is a complex issue! 

I find it useful to get a taxonomy going to start, because the language is almost useless in combining different things under one term.

Here’s a distinction I find helpful (if it doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. A lot of writing advice doesn’t map 1:1 to real-world situations. In this case I think it does, but the typing can be useful even if you don’t agree): Love the feeling, Love the choice, and Love the way of being. 

Love the feeling is what people usually mean by romantic love or attraction. And even that can be further subdivided into erotic (I wanna bonk them), aesthetic (I wanna spend the rest of my life basking in their beauty), Platonic (me and thee against the world!), domestic (I wanna spend the rest of our lives making tea and raising puppies). These often overlap, of course.

Love the choice comes in when you don’t feel love in the moment, but choose to let love guide your action and interaction anyway. People often use child-rearing as an example, or when you have an argument, but lots of people choose love without the gooshy feelings, and for a lot of reason.

Love the way of being is kinda light, saintly love, generally not used for grounded characters at all. But I think we all have met someone like this, even if they are not always like this. 

Another triad people like to throw around has Greek roots: Eros (erotic or romantic love), Phileo (”brotherly” love, though it doesn’t only apply to relatives), and Agape (so-called “pure” love, usually tied with deities).

When writing characters in love, I think it’s important to pin down what kind of love you’re talking about. It will make it easier to keep the actions and dialogue more consistent.

As for the feeling? Soooo varied. Love is a feeling/Eros tends to be illogical. Somewhat compulsive and impulsive. It tends to narrow focus, so the object of affection is the only important thing in the world. This is true even in horrible, abusive versions! Some people have anxiety, butterflies in the stomach, sweat. Some feel weak at the knees at the thought of them, or smell of them, or sound of their name, or any moment shared. 

I think once someone gets up the nerve to let their loved-one know how they feel, if they are denied, they can be crushed, and perhaps angry, as all that came before seems to be the universe promising success. If their affection is returned, there is often a time of NRE, or New Relationship Energy, where they tend to ignore their friends and outer lives for a while and spend time just focusing on each other, with childish wonder (and sometimes bonking).

As the NRE fades, life gets back on track, and they tend to start to explore the other kinds of love, and what their relationship will look like over time. If they have very different ideas about that, the relationship will tend not to last very long.

Also does homosexual/romantic attraction feel different than heterosexual/romantic attraction?

The main difference is that LGBT have a smaller pool to choose from and they may not know if the object of their desire will turn out to be a dangerous homophobe.

What do people mean when they say someone is their “type?”

Often observational: someone just notices a pattern of similarity in the types of people they have been attracted to. Some people stay strictly to a type, some only vaguely to a type or many types, and some try to actively subvert any perceived type.

And are there degrees of attraction to another person? Can someone be attracted multiple people at the same time/on different levels?

Yup! Definitely. In addition to the categories I named, you can imagine each of them on a slider (and there are many I didn’t get to as well). And it is absolutely possible, even common, to be attracted to more than one person at a time, in different ways or at different levels. 

~~Mod Scix

[psychotickol-a]

DOSSIER.

BASICS

BIRTH NAME: Kol KNOWN TITLES: Kol the Blood Drinker, Earthshaker, Kol the Unbent NICKNAMES: little menace, wily fox, the psychopath D.O.B | D.O.D: April 12th, 794 AD SEX | PRONOUNS: Male | He, Him, His ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Aries is the first of the zodiac signs whichis the sign of the self. People born under this sign strongly project their personalities onto others and can be very self-oriented. Aries tend to venture out into the world and leave impressions on others that they are exciting, vibrant and talkative. They tend to live adventurous lives and like to be the center of attention, but rightly so since they are natural, confident leaders. Enthusiastic about their goals and enjoy the thrill of the hunt, “wanting is always better then getting” is a good way to sum it up. Very impulsive and usually do not think before they act - or speak. Too often Aries will say whatever pops into their head and usually end up regretting it later! ALIGNMENT: Neutral Evil. A neutral evil villain does whatever he can get away with. He is out for himself, pure and simple. He sheds no tears for those he kills, whether for profit, sport, or convenience. He has no love of order and holds no illusion that following laws, traditions, or codes would make him any better or more noble. On the other hand, he doesn’t have the restless nature or love of conflict that a chaotic evil villain has. Some neutral evil villains hold up evil as an ideal, committing evil for its own sake. Most often, such villains are devoted to evil deities or secret societies. Neutral evil is the best alignment you can be because you can advance yourself without regard for others. However, neutral evil can be a dangerous alignment because it represents pure evil without honor and without variation. MYERS BRIGGS TEST: ESTP - The Doer. Friendly, adaptable, action-oriented. “Doers” who are focused on immediate results. Living in the here-and-now, they’re risk-takers who live fast-paced lifestyles. Impatient with long explanations. Extremely loyal to their peers, but not usually respectful of laws and rules if they get in the way of getting things done. Great people skills.

PERSONAL INFORMATION

PARENTS: Mikael ( father, deceased ), Esther ( mother, deceased ) SIBLINGS: Freya ( elder sister, alive ), Finn ( elder brother, deceased ), Elijah ( elder brother, alive ), Niklaus ( elder brother, alive ), Rebekah ( younger sister, alive ), Henrik ( younger brother, deceased ) CHILDREN: None RELATIONSHIPS: Siv, daughter of Sigurd ( wife, deceased ), Annabelle ( friend, alive @wakemeinneverland ), Mary-Alice Claire ( mentee, deceased ), Davina Claire ( partner, alive ), Jeremy Gilbert ( frenemy, alive ) SEXUALITY: Aromantic | Pansexual

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTORS

HAIR | EYES: Brown | Brown HEIGHT | WEIGHT: 6'2 | 81 kgs ETHNICITY | NATIONALITY: North Germanic | American, British TATTOOS: Throughout his travels Kol has collected an immense amount of inked tattoos and brands that cover almost the entirety of his back and shoulders. Many of the tattoos are spells, rituals and practices translated into his native tongue as the reliability of grimoires survival waned over time. Click here for preview. PIERCINGS: None BODY MODIFICATIONS: None

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE

POSITIVE TRAITS: Intelligent, observant, independent, intuitive and assertive. Bold, charming, playful, out-going and loyal. NEGATIVE TRAITS: Manipulative, cruel, violent, possessive and disloyal. Impulsive, sarcastic, provocative, jealous and angry. MENTAL DISORDERS: Paranoia, hyper vigilance, antisocial disorder. TEMPERMENT: On the surface, Kol can be friendly and approachable, capable of convincing others to let down their guard with his boyish charm and playful nature. Kol often rebels against society and displays a deep rooted unwillingness to submit to any kind of authority which can often manifest into violent or malicious outbursts. He is provocative, often taunting those around him for reactions, his intuition and skill to read and understand others makes him particularly skilled in manipulating others and often seeks out the darkness in those around him to exploit. Kol has few friends but those that he does have, he values above all other life and is willing to go to the ends of the earth for them. His relationship with his siblings has been strained and difficult but when they need him, Kol is always there for them, regardless of his own feelings or opinions of them. Kol is a valuable ally and friend to have, and a truly inescapable enemy.

CURRENT LOCATION

Kol's default location is set during the break between season 3 and season 4 of the Originals. After separating from his siblings, Kol traveled across Europe with Davina Claire, later he took her through Asia, taking in the sights of the world as well as exposing Davina to historically powerful magical sites. While his home in Norway had long since fallen to time, Kol did take Davina to Scandinavia, telling her of his family’s history as Vikings and for a time he and Davina were happy.

However, Kol’s nature for chaos, violence and blood was inevitable and whilst Davina was willing to accept him for all he was, Davina’s good nature and desire to change the world for the better eventually had the pair parting on good terms.

Kol has since returned to the states and can often be found in dive bars, food restaurants or occasionally dropping in on campus lectures. Kol is very much a nomad, rarely remaining in one place for too long and always searching for entertainment in some form or another.

** Please be aware that after the events of season 4 and that during Legacies, Kol is dangerously unstable. For more insight please refer to my verses page.

[fawncyfeline]

2017 in review

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

I took a plane by myself. I’ve been on one before but always with someone just following what they do. This year I did the entire thing by myself, got myself there, printed my ticket, went through security, boarded the plane. It was intimidating but validating.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn’t really make any concrete resolutions that I remember. I’m always in a state of “you should do better”. 

Did anyone close to you give birth? Nah.

Did anyone close to you die? No.

What countries did you visit? None this year. I went to Oregon though.

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? For the love of god a car please god a car. A certificate in Web and Mobile Development. A new job. A doctor and maybe a therapist? My mental health could really use some work. A Cintiq? 

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I’m hilariously bad at remembering dates. The only things that come to mind are April 1st which was when I uploaded TRNDSTTR ,  and November 6, which was my first day starting my technical course in web and mobile development. Oh yeah also july 24th when my sister and I got t-boned on our way back from our parents

What was your biggest achievement of the year? damn uh. See above? navigated airport and started technical college I guess.  

What was your biggest failure? I’ve really let my dental health go this year. I’ve always been kinda bad at brushing my teeth but this year its been wore than usual and I know I have a lot of work upcoming that I feel really shitty about. I know it’s going to cost a lot. 

Did you suffer illness or injury? tooth got infected and had to get a root canal. the temp cap they put on was too tight and caused a lot of pain for a while

What was the best thing you bought? My character Zephon was designed by and purchased from a good friend of mine and I love him a LOT. 

Whose behavior merited celebration? Might be kinda silly but the entirety of Polygon following what happened with Nick. I had just come from a fandom where the content creators handled an eerily kind of situation so poorly that the majority of the fans packed up and moved to other things. It was such a relief to see it handled how it was. 

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The aforementioned youtuber, and Honestly??? The entire country. Everything’s been so unbelievably surreal and awful. 

Where did most of your money go? besides general living expenses, I’ve spent a lot on art commissions and I don’t regret it. Just look at this gorgeous piece

What did you get really, really, really excited about? Holy shit Ace Attorney. I finally played through the original trilogy and have worked my way up through dual destinies and I’m so in love. I didn’t expect to fall this hard but I have. 

What song will always remind you of 2017? SIAMÉS - "The Wolf" because of it’s beautiful video

Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c ) richer or poorer? same as it ever was, fatter, richer by a little

What do you wish you’d done more of? exercised and animated. 

What do you wish you’d done less of? nothing. As in I spent a lot of time dissociating on my bed doing nothing instead of getting shit done.

How did you spend Christmas? I stayed at my parents for the majority of the day hanging with my family. It was nice to spend time with them without worrying about when I needed to go to work.

Did you fall in love in 2017? Only with Ace Attorney. I don’t really have any romantic inclinations and I’m ok with that. 

What was your favorite TV program? I don’t really watch a lot of TV. Not even Netflix. Steven Universe is always great, and 

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate is a strong word. there are people I dislike but it’s against a fundamental part of my personality to hate people. I’m too 

What was the best book you read? The only literature I’ve read was fanfiction. It’s kind of really sad. I have a lot of good books to read, but I always feel guilty and overwhelmed sitting down with a book. 

What was your greatest musical discovery? I’ve really enjoyed Mother Mother and their music this year, and I’ve reintroduced myself to U2 and Collective Soul, which were two bands i grew up on and bring a sense of home and nostalgia whenever I listen to them.  

What did you want and get? My aunt was super generous and gifted me the funds to purchase TV Paint, which is a hardy animation program

What did you want and not get? A car, but no surprise there. 

What was your favorite film of this year? There weren’t really a lot of movies I liked this year. Wonder Woman was nice

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 20 this year. I didn’t have anything major planned, I went out of town with my mom and little sister and had a good time, and came back to a surprise party with my friends. 

What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not being dependent on my parents. I technically moved out in 2016, but spending the entire year not dependent or beholden to them was a huge relief 

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? 1. Is it clean? Wear it. 

2. Overwatch. I own way to many varieties of Overwatch apparel and I always end up wearing at least one of them. 

What kept you sane? My friends, internet and IRL, my relatives who have been super supportive of me, music, and my cat Kuvira who I love more than anything in the world.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don’t really get celebrity crushes. I’m kind of aromantic. I really resonate with Travis McElroy though, for a lot of silly reasons. I’m a middle child too and I relate to a lot of aspects of his personality and feelings towards things and he’s just a really genuine and lovely person.  

Who did you miss? I’ve lost contact with a lot of old friends over time, and I’ve found myself really missing them this year. 

Who was the best new person you met? I became acquainted with Knyuo , who’s a brilliant artist and a super nice person 

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. 1. Be careful burning bridges, because once the deed is done you can never cross them again. No matter how angry you get, it’s worth it to be the civil one. 

2. Be confident. things aren’t as scary as they seem.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Cut My Hair - Mounika

Often I am upset That i cannot fall in love But I guess This avoids the stress of falling out of it Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now but I swear When i'm ready I will fly us out of here

I won’t tag anyone because I don’t want to. 

[wesratcliffe]

wesley and kalei

❝ 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐚 𝐤𝐢𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐞?  —  SEND ME TWO CHARACTERS

❝ 𝐎𝐡 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐞𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧,    𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡    𝐈 𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫.    𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝,    𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩    𝐈’𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐥𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫. —

                               ALANA MICHELE PELEKAI-RATCLIFFE

NAME :

❴  𝐀 𝐋 𝐀 𝐍 𝐀  ❵ — meaning “little rock, or harmony, concord”

❴  𝐌 𝐈 𝐂 𝐇 𝐄 𝐋 𝐄  ❵ — meaning “who is like god“

❴  𝐏 𝐄 𝐋 𝐄 𝐊 𝐀 𝐈 - 𝐑 𝐀 𝐓 𝐂 𝐋 𝐈 𝐅 𝐅 𝐄  ❵ — a combination of her parents’ surnames, meaning “cancel“ and “red cliffs”

BIRTHDAY :

𝐀𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐋 𝟏

♈️ 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ❴ The Ram ❵ Aries is the first of the zodiac signs. Aries is the sign of the self, people born under this sign strongly project their personalities onto others and can be very self-oriented. Aries tend to venture out into the world and leave impressions on others that they are exciting, vibrant and talkative. Aries tend to live adventurous lives and like to be the center of attention, but rightly so since they are natural, confident leaders. Aries are enthusiastic about their goals and enjoy the thrill of the hunt, “wanting is always better then getting” is a good way to sum it up. Aries are very impulsive and usually do not think before they act - or speak. Too often Aries will say whatever pops into their head and usually end up regretting it later.

GENDER & SEXUALITY :

❴  𝐆 𝐄 𝐍 𝐃 𝐄 𝐑  ❵ — Cis-Female

❴  𝐒 𝐄 𝐗 𝐔 𝐀 𝐋 𝐈 𝐓 𝐘  ❵ — Homosexual, Aromantic

APPEARANCE :

❴  𝐇 𝐀 𝐈 𝐑  ❵ — Dark brown and curly

❴  𝐄 𝐘 𝐄 𝐒  ❵ — Brown

❴  𝐇 𝐄 𝐈 𝐆 𝐇 𝐓  ❵ — 5′3″

PERSONALITY :

❴  𝐇 𝐄 𝐀 𝐃 𝐒 𝐓 𝐑 𝐎 𝐍 𝐆  ❵ — When Alana makes a decision, she does not make down from it. Her decisiveness can often be a good trait. Friends mulling over where to get food? We’re going here. Trying to decide what to watch? This movie. Even if the decision that she’s made isn’t necessarily the best one, she sticks to her guns. At least she’s consistent, right? She’s quick to defend the underdog, and is always ready to fight for a cause that she believes in. She can often be found at peaceful rallies and protests, and one day wants to become involved in politics. 

❴  𝐁 𝐋 𝐔 𝐍 𝐓  ❵ — Alana calls it honest, some call it rude. Tomayto, tomahto, right? She’s not one to bullshit you. After years of holding her tongue when her parents did something she wasn’t happy with, after watching them hold in all of their feelings and emotions, she wasn’t about to sit around and do the same thing. Although she’s possibly taken it to the other end of the spectrum. She’s never needlessly rude, but if someone has food in their teeth she’ll be the first to speak up, regardless of the situation. 

❴  𝐈 𝐍 𝐓 𝐄 𝐋 𝐋 𝐈 𝐆 𝐄 𝐍 𝐓  ❵ — It was no surprise, really. With genius Kalei Pelekai and generally above average intelligence Wesley Ratcliffe as parents, the world would have been shocked if Alana had ended up without their brains. However, she hates it when people attribute this trait to her parents. She’s the one who took to school like a fish to water, who accomplished her goals, who got put in advanced placement classes, who threw herself into government and became involved in her local political sphere. Certainly Kalei’s nurturing of her intelligence and Wesley’s tendency to read to her didn’t hurt, but she’d be the last one to admit that. 

❴  𝐒 𝐄 𝐋 𝐅 - 𝐃 𝐄 𝐏 𝐑 𝐄𝐂 𝐀 𝐓 𝐈 𝐍 𝐆  ❵ — Alana has always been a strange mix of confident and insecure, much like both of her parents. It’s that same argument of nature vs. nurture, was she born with these traits? Or did she pick them up from watching how her parents navigated their lives? One thing is for sure, Alana wishes she wasn’t so quick to blame herself. She sticks to her guns, is often reckless, and when things backlash is always sitting on the sidelines, belittling herself for the things she could have done better. 

SPECIAL TALENTS :

❴  𝐏 𝐎 𝐖 𝐄 𝐑 𝐒  ❵ — Alana was thrilled to learn about her power of Teleportation. She discovered them entirely on accident. She was with Kalei in the living room, trying to reach a book on a shelf that was a bit too high for her. She stretched on her tip-toes, fingers wiggling to try and nudge the book off of the shelf. The book came tumbling down and in a squeak of surprise, Alana shut her eyes and felt something. It made her stomach jump up, like the sort of feeling you get on a rollercoaster. She heard the dull thump from the book on the ground, and when she felt no impact she opened her eyes slowly to find herself halfway across the room. From that moment on she’s trained her skill, wanting to get better and better. The ability is a wonderful relief when she wants to get away from her family. 

WHO THEY LIKE BETTER :

❴  𝐊 𝐀 𝐋 𝐄 𝐈  ❵ — The strained relationship between Alana and Wesley is still healing, but Kalei and Alana’s relationship has strengthened quite well. It’s her mother that she really enjoys spending time with. Although the two of them don’t always see eye-to-eye, they’re better at being open about their feelings now than they once were. 

WHO THEY TAKE AFTER MORE :

❴  𝐊 𝐀 𝐋 𝐄 𝐈  ❵ — Alana certainly does share some of Wesley’s traits, even if she’d prefer not to admit it, but she’s more like Kalei than anything else. From her desire to root for the underdog, to her self-deprecating nature, to her intelligence, Alana is definitely far more like her mother than her father — in personality and in looks. 

PERSONAL HEADCANONS :

Wesley and Kalei were never all that close. They had a mutual friend in William Hawkins, but that was just about where their connection ended. However, with Will busy doing whatever Will Hawkins does in his free time, and both of them left grieving the losses from the earthquake, they found company in each other. Kalei was never shy about calling Wesley out of his bullshit, and Wesley was never shy about spitting angry words back at her. They’d spend their evenings mostly in silence, save for a few casual conversations and insults, and only the sound of glass after glass of alcohol being poured filled the silence. They often got drunk together, and not the fun drunk. They drank away their problems, or at least attempted to drink until they were too inebriated to remember how fucked up they both were. 

It was on a particularly weak night for both of them that they slept together. It was a mistake, one they both severely regretted in the morning. After that they didn’t speak for a while. The tension between them was awkward, and neither was all that interested in talking about their shared moment of weakness and loneliness. It was Kalei who approached Wesley nearly two months after that night. She skipped the greetings, skipped whatever social pretenses would normally be required, and got straight to the point:

“I’m pregnant.”

Both of their lives changed after that. As Kalei always said “Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind for forgotten.” She was having this baby whether Wesley wanted them or not. To her surprise, he was immediately invested. He had no interest in being like his own father. 

They weren’t in love. They didn’t act as a couple, didn’t live together, didn’t even spend much time together beyond what was necessary. However, Kalei did call Wesley when she went into labor. Wesley thought it was a joke at first, because it was April 1st. Upon hearing the seriousness in her tone — “Wesley Ratcliffe I am in labor, this is not a joke.” — he high-tailed it to the hospital. 

Alana Michele Pelekai-Ratcliffe was born at 10:13pm on April 1st, and she was immediately the apple of both Kalei and Wesley’s eye. They saw her as an opportunity to do offer something positive to the world. Both of them considered themselves incredible fuck-ups, and from the moment Alana took her first breath, they were determined to do something right for once. 

Unbeknownst to them, the pressure they put on themselves to be the perfect parents transferred to Alana, and she was always trying to be the perfect daughter. While neither Kalei nor Wesley never said to Alana “you’re our chance to right the wrongs we’ve done”, that’s all she saw herself as. At first it made her determined. She’d do everything she could to make her parents proud. She spent every other week with each of them, and on the weekends they’d spend time together as a family. It was a difficult life to live, constantly moving between homes. She never felt like she had a permanent home. And her parents’ constant doting and pressure and hovering only made things worse. 

As she grew older, Alana came to resent her parents. Kalei was the first to pick up on it not long after Alana had turned eleven. Her telepathy helped her to pick up on some of her daughters thoughts — “I’m more than just your chance to live vicariously.” “I’m my own person too,” — and she felt horribly guilty. There wasn’t a single second that Kalei felt like Alana was nothing more than her chance to do something right. She was her daughter, her family, her Ohana, and she loved her with all of her heart. She told Alana just that, and the two grew closer from that moment on. Kalei stopped putting pressure on herself to be the perfect parent, started allowing herself to make mistakes, and made sure to tell Alana how much she loved her every day. 

Wesley, however, didn’t notice as quickly. He didn’t have telepathy, and was often too self-absorbed to notice how his own view of himself affected his daughter. As Alana grew older, they began to drift apart. She grew closer to Kalei and grew further from Wesley. It was finally up to Kalei to step in, to inform him how self-centered he was being. 

“Pull your head out of your ass, start telling Alana how much you love her, you absolute prick.” 

Wesley had reacted quite aggressively to that, he and Kalei did have a tendency to argue, but he came to realize that she was right. He’d been putting so much pressure on himself to do something right with his life, so much pressure to not be like his father that he’d ended up becoming just that. His relationship with Alana is mending, slowly but surely, but she’s known to hold a grudge. 

FACECLAIM :

❴  𝐍 𝐀 𝐃 𝐈 𝐀  𝐀 𝐁 𝐎 𝐔 𝐋 𝐇 𝐎 𝐒 𝐍  ❵

[littlemisswolfie]

So

It’s late and I’m tired and frustrated and I may end up regretting this, but that’s a problem for future me, not present me.

Underneath the read more, I’m going to post a research paper, complete with scholarly, peer-reviewed secondary sources as well as primary sources, I wrote a few months ago for my rhetoric class. It’ll be posted as a regular text post since I can’t figure out how to attach a PDF to a post like this, but if I figure it out, I’ll change it to the PDF instead. I researched, originally, the broad issue of asexuality, but I found during my research that I could write something else much easier: why straight and gay people seem so distrustful of ace people.

If you’re already angry, my anon is on. Fight me. I’m not sorry I did this research, and I’m not sorry I shared this with a predominantly straight class. I can only hope it helps open dialogues and help ace kids coming to this site know it’s not their fault people are nasty to them.

Raeanne Horton

Professor Garbelotto

Rhetoric 105

29 November 2016

Discrimination Against the Asexual Community

When most people hear the word “asexual,” they probably usually think of plants or cells that reproduce asexually, or without a partner. What many people are not aware of, by no fault of their own, is that asexuality can also apply to human beings. According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. It is, unlike celibacy, not a choice, and one percent of the U.S. and U.K. population identify as asexual (MacNeela et al. 799; Cerankowski and Milks 653). Why, then, do so few people know that asexuality exists? The most likely cause seems to be discrimination by the monosexual community, gay and straight alike, and especially online, where the asexual community is the most visible.

To truly understand discrimination against a group of people, one must first know what makes this group of people distinct from the rest of the world. Sex is a huge part of our day to day lives; it is inescapable. Companies use sex to sell everything from cars to hamburgers. In a society constantly bombarded by images of sex, where does a person who is not excited by it fit? Due to the lack of representation, many people spend years of their life not realizing asexuality is a valid sexuality. Many self-identifying asexuals report feeling like they were broken or strange before finding there was a name for what they felt. Asexuality has also been found in various other species of animals in the wilderness, as shown by Bogaert’s Asexuality: What It Is and Why It Matters: “Within sexually reproducing species, such as mammals, there is often evidence that a percentage of animals have no interest in, or attraction to, potential sexual partners and are thus construable as asexual” (363). This shows that asexuality is perfectly normal. If it can be found in several different species, it becomes harder to refute as a hormone imbalance or as a disease, as some common arguments against asexuality suggest. To back this argument up is Hinderliter’s article How is asexuality different from hypoactive sexual desire disorder? Hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD, is defined as persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. Hinderliter says, “One of the most important differences between asexuality and HSDD is their valuation of lack of sexual interest/attraction. HSDD regards lack of sexual interest as negative, whereas asexualty value’s lack of sexual attraction as neutral or positive” (173).

Another aspect of attraction, asexual or otherwise, that many people tend to overlook, is that there are several different kinds of attraction. The most common type of attraction is sexual attraction, which describes what genders an individual is attracted to on a sexual level. Romantic attraction describes what genders an individual is attracted to in regards to romance (dating, holding hands, kissing, partnership, etc.). Sensual attraction describes wanting to be touched (not necessarily in a sexual way) by a person. Aesthetic attraction describes thinking a person is attractive without any desire for a relationship. Most people’s sexual and romantic attractions are the same (eg. a heterosexual man is usually heteroromantic as well), but with asexuals, the line gets a little blurred. Asexuals and aromantics are very adamant about distinguishing themselves from each other, suggesting that many asexuals have romantic attractions and aromantics have sexual attractions. This does not, by any means, mean the two are mutually exclusive; there are several aromantic asexuals that are proud of their orientations.

Yet another misconception about axexuals is that they do not have sex. Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction; it does not, anywhere, mention a lack of sex drive or desire to have sex. There are many asexual individuals that enjoy having sex or have high libidos. Others are very much disenchanted with the idea and want no sort of sexual contact. Asexuality is also on a spectrum: some individuals experience sexual attraction very rarely (“gray aces”), some do not develop sexual attraction until they form a close emotional bond (demisexual), and some experience no sexual attraction at all. This paper does not differentiate between the different parts of the asexual spectrum because these concerns apply to all of them and, therefore, does not need to be broken up.

A monosexual is only attracted to one gender (eg. homosexuals and heterosexuals). They are the most prominent sexualities, as they are the ones most often portrayed in media. As such, one would think they are secure enough in their validity to be unthreatened. Not so: in her article in the Stanford Law Review, Elizabeth Emens describes why the monosexual community is uncomfortable with the idea of asexuality:

In some ways, though, a closer analogy [for asexuality] than homosexuality is bisexuality. [....] [B]oth bisexuality and asexuality lie outside the cultural norm of “monosexuality” (desiring one sex). Many of the common assumptions about asexuals [...] echo those made about bisexuals. [....] Kenji Yoshino has argued that both gays and straights (that is, monosexuals) have an interest in erasing bisexuality, because of their shared interests in “the stability of sexual orientation categories,” “the primacy of sex as a diacritical axis,” and “the preservation of monogamy” (330-331).

This explains why the monosexual community is, at the very least, slightly uncomfortable with the asexual community. In comparing asexuality and bisexuality, Emers shows how similar the distrust bisexuals and asexuals face are. What strikes some as strange is how bisexuals have an undisputed letter in the acronym LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer), while asexuals have to metaphorically fight allies for the A that comes later. The difference between a secure letter and a disputed one may not seem like much, but for some can be seen as a step towards representation. The reason asexuals do not get that A right off the bat may very well be because of our society’s preoccupation with sex.

Discrimination, though, is another matter altogether. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, discrimination is the practice of unfairly treating a person or group of people different from other people or groups of people. As of now, academics have not investigated anti-asexual discrimination thoroughly, but research has been done. For example, in Chasin’s Making Sense in and Of the Asexual Community, he calls on the 2012 research of MacInnis and Hodson, who found that people were more likely to discriminate against members of “Group X,” who were not interested in sexual contact, than they were to discriminate against other members of the LGBTQ+ community (170). This is probably because they can relate to someone who wants to have sex better than they can to someone who does not want to have sex. Chasin goes on to discuss the root of sexuality-centered discrimination, stating “Furthermore, homophobia, heterosexism, and sexual orientation-focused discrimination are largely based on the social policing of gender (170).” This means that the people who practice discrimination against the LGBT community are less mad about the fact that same sex couples exist than they are about a man acting feminine or a woman acting masculine. He also says that asexual/ace people are most affected by this kind of discrimination because they are less likely to participate in conventional activities based on heterosexual desire, putting emphasis on the sexual part. This means that society links femininity and masculinity to the act or desire for sex, which only further helps in the erasure of and discrimination against asexuals.

Another route discrimination against asexuality takes is in the erasure of the sexuality entirely. Instead of being seen for what they identify as and are comfortable as, many asexuals are read as lesbian, gay, or bisexual by simply not acting like a heterosexual person, regardless of what they are romantically attracted to. This results in not only asexuals being erased, but being discriminated against for something the person does not identify as. Chasin attributes this to being asexual in a heteronormative context in which there is simply no space for asexuality, which is extremely problematic.

As it was previously stated, the most discrimination towards asexuals as asexuals comes from online communities where asexuality is most visible, especially on sites like Tumblr. Tumblr is rather infamous for being very open about sex, and, as such, there are many users who are more open about their sexualities than they would be in their day to day lives. With this openness, however, comes discrimination, because the more vocal a group is, it seems, the more vocal their oppressors. Asexuals who are romantically attracted to members of the opposite sex, or heteroromantic aces, are most commonly attacked by some members of the LGBTQ+ community on Tumblr. The following are word-for-word text posts, aside from the censoring of offensive language and the removal of urls to preserve the original posters’ identities, written by members of the LGBTQ+ community that were found in the “ace” (a shortened form of the word asexual) tag on Tumblr.

tumblr user 1: do NOT come out as ace or aro or any  mogai identity on coming out day. don’t come out as straight don’t come out as an ally don’t f**king taking this away from lgbt+ people. coming out isn’t for you, it’s for lgbt+ people, not straights, not aces and not aros,

obviously this doesn’t f**king include lgbt aces or aros but even then don’t f**king come out as ace or aro it’s not what the day is for

#ace discourse

tumblr user 2: you’re right, heteroromantic aces don’t have straight passing privilege-they have straight privilege. because they’re straight.

#ace discourse

This isn’t to say that the entirety of the Tumblr community is hostile towards asexuals, heteroromantic or otherwise. For every anti-aseuxal post, there are two pro-asexual posts. Many asexual individuals use Tumblr as a platform to meet and talk to other asexuals when they are unable to find a community in person, which is hard to do with the low percentage of self-identifying asexuals in the world today. However, because of the way Tumblr’s tagging and search systems work, asexuals and those who are trying to find out if they identify with the label often find these mean, degrading, and invalidating comments, making them become distressed or confused. Most of the anti-asexual posts are similar to the above, claiming that those who identify as heteroromantic asexuals (and, to an extent, non-heteroromantic asexuals) have no place in the LGBTQ+ community because, ironically enough, they are not discriminated against or oppressed.

Jumping back to Emens’s article about asexuality and law, we can find a few examples of how some asexuals could feel discriminated against in the context of the law. She writes, “[...] [N]otable is the fact that many states make impotence a ground for annulment, whereas infertility is not an independent ground for annulment in any state [...], perhaps suggesting that sex per se matters more to marriage than reproduction” (350-351). This could be concerning for any romantically-inclined asexual who is not comfortable with sex, as Emens goes on to discuss how spouses can take advantage of this annulment law out of spite or to save money in a divorce, even if the asexual partner was open with their sexuality. Possibly because of this, there are many accounts of asexuals who have been pressured into having sex with a partner to keep them happy. The law also falls against asexuals in same sex domestic partnerships, as they have stricter requirements in order to be seen as valid. “By contrast, domestic partnership regimes often impose requirements such as cohabitation, shared finances, and monogamy. Some even require sexual consummation” (353). In her post Politics of Asexuality: Issues Faced by the Asexual Community, Stormy O’Brink from the website Matthew’s Place expands on this, saying:

People seeking to sponsor their immigrating spouse are sometimes asked personal questions about their sex life. These questions assume that sex makes a relationship legitimate, and this could potentially lead to issues if an asexual couple is at the center of an immigration fraud investigation. Asexuals aren’t just considered less human--their relationships and expressions of love are also viewed as illegitimate.

In some cases, asexuals can even be discriminated against by religious leaders. According to O’Brink, “Some spiritual leaders claim asexuality is against certain religious texts. For example, Genesis 9:7 is interpreted as a command to procreate. Religious leaders believe asexuals are actively defying this aspect of the bible.” They includes a link to a forum sponsored by a Baptist church, in which Pim Penderson, a man with a PhD in Theophysics, an area that attempts to reconcile physical and religious cosmology, likens asexuals to homosexuals and says “Asexuality is unnatural, for even the unsaved have the decency and the desire to marry and have children.” There are several more upsetting posts in this forum thread, each more discriminatory than the last, and many are also sexist, racist, and xenophobic. Even so, this is a religious forum, and many asexuals are also religious. If the distaste represented in this forum represents even a fraction of what a young asexual might have to face in church, it paints a frightening picture.

Sexual harassment is also a fear of asexual individuals. Many asexuals have received threats of “corrective rape” intended to make them straight. Going back to the Baptist forum, Lukas Ekman, who has proposed a Christian Commission on Human Rights (or CCHR) claims that asexuality is linked to devil worship, and “[The] CCHR suggests corrective rape to remedy the [devil’s] possession.” This is a disturbing reality for many asexuals; Eric Morales explores this in his article ‘I don’t need to be raped’ an Asexual activist speaks out by bringing up asexual activist Julie Decker, who uploads videos about her experience with asexuality on YouTube and has seen several comments saying she just “needs a good raping”:

“When people hear you’re asexual, some take that as a challenge,” she told the Huffington Post. “We are perceived as not being fully human because sexual attraction and sexual relationships are seen as something alive, healthy people do. They think that you really want sex but just don’t know it yet. For people who perform corrective rape, they believe that they’re just waking us up and that we’ll thank them later. [....] I’m not damaged, lonely, or in need of conversion because I’m not interested in sex. I want people who feel similarly to know they’re not alone,” Decker says.

Sadly, this is a reality for many asexuals. In a poll on the AVEN website, twenty-six individuals spanning different genders admit to having been sexually assaulted because of their asexuality. While this is a vast minority, this is simply one poll on one website where you have to be registered to participate. A quick Google search is all it takes to find a plethora of survivor stories about the horrors of corrective rape. I won’t go into them here because of the triggering nature of such stories, but they exist, and they shed an awful light

Now that it seems evident that there is at least some discrimination against the asexual community, the question now becomes, how do we combat discrimination against the asexual community? One step has already been taken: New York’s Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act has included asexuality as a sexual orientation, which is, objectively, huge. This means asexuals cannot be discriminated against in terms of the law. Whether that does much good is up for debate, but the fact that asexuality is explicitly included opens up some discussions. Another step that would be good would be more exposure. By creating asexual characters in popular media like television, movies, and books, creators can open new dialogues about asexuality as well as help individuals who are questioning by providing more options readily available to compare themselves to. Rarely is representation a bad thing, after all. In short, while those who identify as asexual do not face the same kind of discrimination as other parts of the LGBTQ+ community, they face their own kind of discrimination, and this can be alleviated through proper representation and open dialogue about sexuality.

Works Cited Page

Bogaert, Anthony F. “Asexuality: What It Is and Why It Matters.” Journal of Sex Research 52.4 Academic Search Complete. (May 2014) 362-379. Web. 19 October 2016.

Cerankowski, Karli June, Megan Milks. “New Orientations: Asexuality and Its Implications for Theory and Practice.” Feminist Studies. 30.0. Academic Search Complete. (2010): 650-664. Web. 19 October 2016.

"Discrimination." Def. 1. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Springfield, MA: Merriam-Webster, 2004. Print.

Deluzio Chasin, C.J. “Making Sense in and of the Asexual Community: Navigating Relationships and Identities in a Context of Resistance.” Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology 25.2. Academic Search Complete. (2015): 167-180. Web. 19 October 2016.

Ekman, Lukas and Pim Penderson. “God Hates Asexuals.” Straight 4 Jesus (Back Door Christians). Landover Baptist Church. 5 October 2013. Web. 28 November 2016.

Emens, Elizabeth. “Compulsory Sexuality.” Stanford Law Review 66.2. Academic Search Complete. (Feb. 2014): 303-386. Web. 19 October 2016.

Hinderliter, Andrew. “How is asexuality different from hypoactive sexual desire disorder?” Psychology and Sexuality. 4.2. Academic Search Complete. (May 2013): 167-178. Web. 19 October 2016

MacNeela, Pádraig, Aisling Murphy. “Freedom, Invisibility, and Community: A Qualitative Study of Self-Identification with Asexuality.” Archives of Sexual Behavior. 44.3. Academic Search Complete. (Apr. 2015): 799-812. Web. 19 October 2016.

Morales, Eric. “‘I don’t need to be raped’ an Asexual activist speaks out” Digital Journal. 23 October 2013. Web. 28 November 2016.

O’Brink, Stormy. “Politics of Asexuality: Issues Faced By The Asexual Community.” Matthew’s Place. 30 October 2014. Web. 28 November 2016.

"The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | Asexuality.org." The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | Asexuality.org. N.p., n.d. Web. 09 Nov. 2016.

[thesummerstorms]

To be honest, recently I’ve been worrying a little about the way I currently have the plotlines written for both Etain’s daughter Koa and Kad’s daughter Etta’s births. I am pro-choice (and if you aren’t, just go ahead and unfollow me now; I don’t care to hear from you) and both plotlines concern unplanned pregnancies. 

While I 100% percent believe in supporting pregnant people in whatever choice is the right one for them, whether that means continuing or ending a pregnancy, both of the women are fictional, under my control, and are written into the context of a series that’s chalk full of misogyny and for a readership that likely experiences a high amount of anti-choice rhetoric, and I don’t want to reinforce that, even unintentionally.

Part of my problem is just the necessities of plot. The same conditions that lead Etain to very seriously consider having an abortion and that make it reasonable Jateka, Etta’s mother, might want to consider one (although I don’t spend much time on this) are also the reasons why I felt it was necessary to write the pregnancies as unplanned in the first place.

In Etain’s case, her problem isn’t that she doesn’t want another child with Darman. She wants one very badly, and they’ve both had that longing for years. Yet, at the same time, she’s too afraid and her situation too bad for me to see her consciously choosing to get pregnant.

On one level, an emotional level, she still hasn’t dealt fully with the trauma surrounding her first pregnancy and Kal Skirata’s removal of her agency. She still believes she deserved that and even if she could bring herself to face her emotions about it, she doesn’t want to “inflict” it on Darman. Yet that is a trauma, and it does lead to some embedded fear and stress, even if she doesn’t want to identify it.

Her family is  also already potentially  in a somewhat precarious situation as far as access to resources (estranged from Kal Skirata, they don’t have access to the trillion credit slush fund, stable work), security (both she and Darman have earned deathmarks from the Empire and are actively working with some of the early Rebel networks; Etain has also fought Inquisitors first hand and can’t stop them from coming after her two existing children), and support networks (unlike when Kad was little, they aren’t in a place with regular, daily access to other adult family members who they can fall back on when they’re having trouble dealing with physical or emotional traumas, and they already have one dependent child).

Yes, Etain’s planning when she got pregnant with Kad was extremely shoddy, or perhaps non-existent, but she was a naive  nineteen year old at that point, as opposed to a twenty seven year old who’s been raising two children in a war zone for a little less than a decade. She was also severely punished for her impulsive decision to conceive Kad, both physically and emotionally, and she hasn’t forgotten that experience. A second pregnancy would inevitably end up more considered.

With all of this it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me that Darman and Etain would end up choosing to conceive another child during the war. Etain, at the very least, is too terrified. Thus I chose to wrote Koa as the consequence of some sort of space!birth control failure rather than a planned child.

As for Jateka, I wanted to more or less have a situation where you could love someone but not be in love with them, and that you could raise a child well with someone who wasn’t your romantic partner. I wanted to have some aromantic representation. And I also strongly wanted to refute the idea that just because you’re accidently having a child with someone, the best thing for the child is to rush to marry them, whether or not it’s the best emotional thing for both parents.

So the setup I came up with is Jateka and Kad as being young and a little stupid, best friends who also have fun fucking despite the lack of a romantic bond, who end up in an accidental pregnancy because they were young and got a little careless. I wrote Jateka as wanting the baby as soon as she figured out she was pregnant, because even though she doesn’t want marriage, she finds she wants a child. Kad, a little overwhelmed and acting on Bad Advice ™ , proposes, and she turns him down, pointing out that they aren’t in love- but that doesn’t mean they can’t be good parents together. And Kad wants the baby too, even if it isn’t a traditional relationship, and it works out because they communicate and make it work. But it isn’t ever a situation where the two of them would have sat down and planned to have the baby, because then that last point is lost.

And yet.

Both Jateka and Etain choose to keep their unplanned pregnancies. Again, people in real life make this decision and it deserves as much support as any other decision. People who are pregnant deserve to make the right choice for themselves and their families.

But in most fictional setting when unplanned pregnancy is brought up, if abortion is ever even is considered as an option, it’s “proved” to be the wrong option, and everyone involved ends up relieved when the child is born and then it’s babies happily ever after. The narrative may or may not (likely will) condemn them for considering ending the pregnancy, but the choice that’s ultimately “right” or makes the characters “good” is choosing to give birth. Or else someone has an abortion and their partner is angry because they wanted the child, or someone has an abortion and then they regret it and find out they wanted the baby after all. As much as Jateka and Etain’s specific contexts make sense to me, it doesn’t remove them from the larger meta context.

Nor does it remove the fact that the series I’m writing into does not provide much of any text that could be seen as supporting abortion rights, or really reproductive rights at all. Etain is immediately torn to shreds by the narrative and the fandom for her first choice to conceive, and then systematically stripped of any agency in her own pregnancy, down to the right to name her own child. Notably, no one ever brings up abortion in this discussion either. Not that Etain wants that during this stage; it’s clear she doesn’t. But it’s never even considered as a possibility, even one she can dismiss as something she wants. The assumption is that she will bear the child and Kal will control both her fate and her son’s and that this is “correct”.

You also have the fact that almost immediately after conceiving Etain begins addressing Kad, then an unnamed zygote and sensing his future destiny and importance. While it’s interesting from the perspective of the Force, it’s… troubling in the context of reproductive rights, particularly writing as a North American who’s seeing the rise of so-called “heartbeat bills” and anti-choicers crying that “life begins at conception” and thus anyone who has an abortion is a “murderer”. The text itself never makes that connection… but it still exists, and still has the effect of privileging what is at that point cells with the potential to become a person with a destiny even as the narrative strips the mother of control of her own fate.

Even when I write Etain and Darman both as pro-choice and serious discussing abortion as a possibility, having open conversation about what’s best for them and their existing children, and have Darman offer support for whatever Etain chooses, this is still the context I am writing into.  

And so I almost feel a little uncomfortable not writing a situation where someone chooses not to continue a pregnancy and it’s the right decision and no one pushes back against them and they don’t regret it.

I could choose to  rewrite things so that Kad and Jateka choose, despite their lack of romantic connection, to have a child together. But that still doesn’t give positive representation.

I also could write Etain as having an abortion earlier during the war- because as much as she wants a child, the timing isn’t right, and she and Dar are sad about that but it’s the right choice- and then let them choose to have Koa later on afterwards. And I’ve considered doing that.

But it doesn’t address the strong contextual reasons a planned pregnancy would be so unlikely during the Galactic Civil War (by the time the war ends, Etain would be in her early forties, and unlikely to be in good physical position to have a baby, if she even still wanted one when her youngest son would be in his twenties) or why they might change their minds the second time when the situation only seems to get worse further into the war.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what to do with my unease, except to acknowledge its roots and write very carefully, to purposefully show as much open and supporting conversation as possible while still wondering if I can come up with a better solution that doesn’t rely on yet another character with magically failing space birth control.

But it still doesn’t sit quite right.