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soranis-sunshadow · 4 years ago

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Hordak: The power-hungry Warmonger

I’ve had an interesting chat with someone on Twitter that prompted me to make this whole post. (I had a shitpost TLDR post that sort of sums this up concisely)

This is a very long post so brace yourselves, grab a coffee or some warm tea and lets start!

The premise was that Hordak is unambiguously evil and that even with Horde Prime out of the picture, he’d go back to conquering the planet.

And I quote “That's where you're wrong he would still be doing this, he was so absorbed into gaining more power and conquering etheria he would still doing Prime or no Prime” - his words, not mine.

I pointed out that there is no evidence to support that assumption in the show but someone else added: “ “no evidence of that in the show” did u forget when prime literally pointed out that he was conquering etheria in *his* name and secretly wished prime wouldn’t come??”

That line keeps popping up in a lot of the arguments against Hordak. The specific line is this:

The argument that they (people that hate Hordak) try and make is that Hordak wanted Etheria for himself to rule it as its absolute despot. To... “colonize” it so to speak.

What Hordak did was to wage war on the planet for decades in his misguided crusade to conquer it in Prime’s name. He hurt countless numbers of people and destroyed their homes. That is undeniable, those are his actions. Whatever extenuating circumstances he may have (have a post about that too :D ), he is guilty of being a warmonger and a despot and he created the Etherian Horde then lead it in his bid to conquer Etheria.

There! straight out of the horse’s mouth ^

I don’t agree with the term colonizer that twitter folks keep throwing around a lot. Bear with me for a bit please. I know that it is a term that is heavily loaded for a lot of people.

The argument I make against that specific term is this: In order to colonize a place, you need actual colonists to settle and slowly replace the indigenous population. Colonization has long term effects that can be seen centuries later. If I were to point out colonization in action in SPOP I would point out The First Ones. They are the ones that started settling on Etheria, evidence of their presence is throughout the place in the whole show in the settlement ruins and technology they left behind.

They bound the planet’s magic with their magitech so that the locals couldn’t access it. (Something Shadow Weaver was salty about) Only the First Ones descendants that were connected to the runestones I.E. the princesses have any access to it. The princesses still hold dominion over the planet’s magic millennia later. The natives are relatively powerless and the princesses’ subjects still. It’s worth pointing out that the princesses are despots as well.

That is what colonization does to a place. It takes the power away from the locals and gives it to the colonists so that the latter may thrive, have power over them and in time, replace the natives and erase their culture.

Hordak waged war but despite his background of being a brainwashed cultist he never stifled the individuality of his underlings, he never seemed to care much about them at all as long as they were helping further his goals.

If anything, he’s a weirdly unenthusiastic warlord, as @cruelfeline pointed out in one of her excellent posts.

To quote her post “ And of course now, post-season four, we know that he appears unenthusiastic in his role because he is. His goal was never to be the uncontested Lord of Etheria. He doesn’t gain any real self-respect or satisfaction from having people grovel before him. He was never interested in actually claiming that as his goal, his source of personal achievement and identity: it was all a means to a very sad, very painful end. He doesn’t want to be “Lord Hordak, Ruler of Etheria.” He wants to be “Hordak, second in command to Horde Prime.” He does it all because he needs his brother to accept/respect/love him. “

He is not a kind boss, or a good one by any measure but he doesn’t replicate Prime’s brain erasing technique for whatever reason nor is he a self-absorbed narcissist like his progenitor. The Etherian Horde is made of Etherians, Hordak and his robots.

And notice one thing? Most of those Horde members are not first one descendants. Strange huh?

So long as his underlings serve, they are rewarded. Even if they fail, if the reason for their failure is explained and they do no lie to him (to his face), they are given a chance to redeem themselves. After the defeat at the Battle of Bright Moon, Catra’s loss is rewarded because she had proven her competence.

If I were to liken his actions with anything in the real world, I’d be more inclined to call his war a Crusade in Horde Prime’s name. Prime was his God and Hordak was religiously motivated to do the horrible things he did because his god wanted them. That is what he has been indoctrinated to believe; Noelle said it, not me. He was a brainwashed religious zealot, not a colonizer. This is how he’d get back into his god’s good graces after being born a sinner (defective).

This is how he thought that he would prove that he was worthy of being by his god’s side despite him being disabled, he could still be useful to Prime, he could still serve. If he were useful, he thought that Horde Prime would not throw him away again to die.

Crusaders too believed that, by waging war on Muslims and the Orthodox Constantinople (the fourth crusade), they’d get into Heaven. They were violent and they were terrible but they believed they were doing good in God’s Name and that their actions were necessary. *they were not, and they were terrible*

Back to the “to my will” line. Taken out of the sentence, one could say that he’s conquered Etheria for his own ego and to satisfy his power-trip.

The whole sentence is this: “I’ve conquered this world for you, to show you that I am worthy, so that I may retake my place by your side. I have bent its people to my will.”

He explicitly states that the reason he did it was to serve Horde Prime.

It’s not the first time Hordak has said this. He said it to Catra before. He was not scared and trying to explain his actions to his master then. He was not begging for mercy and acceptance while on his knees.

And Catra understands him, she understands his need to try and prove himself to an authority figure and earn recognition. It’s what she had wanted from Shadow Weaver all along.

She sees herself in him after his little declaration. It’s why she is able to give him this speech in the same episode:

“Get.Over.IT! You don’t need Entrapta. You never did. You don’t need a Princess in your life telling you what to do. Look at what you’ve done without her. You’ve build an army. An empire! You and me, we don’t need anyone. Forget them all. No one matters, nothing matters but this mission. You want to prove yourself, prove your worth? Then do it! You and I are going to conquer Etheria. And then, they’ll all see!”

That is why this line of Catra’s in season 4 finally motivates him to quit moping after Entrapta and actually get some proper conquering done.

He even shows a good tactical understanding on how to wage a war of attrition, a war he could eventually win due to the replaceable nature of his robots, unlike rebellion soldiers.

Without DT’s interference and without the needless pushing their soldiers over their limits (causing mass desertions under Catra’s command), Hordak would have eventually won. Slow and steady would have won him the race but Catra wanted faster results.

This is his motivation, the same as Catra’s: to prove his worth. To seek validation and acceptance from a higher authority figure, his master, maker and literal god.

Catra proves herself a kindred soul, she understands his need for validation and his feelings of worthlessness, the harrowing self-hatred both of them endure, and together they amplify their worst tendencies. They go both into a negative spiral in season 4 and yet, they both provide a strange companionship to each other. They form a bond based on their mutual understanding. He even includes her in Horde Prime’s theoretical acknowledgement:

If he had actually wanted to conquer Etheria for himself and rule it, staying in Despondos away from Horde Prime would have given him the perfect opportunity to do so. He’s actually remarkably competent at conquering when he does it himself instead of relegating it to his mooks.

Sea elf village: 10 out of 10 would conquer again XD

What does he do instead? At first he looks for the portal events that appear naturally on the planet’s surface thinking that Horde Prime would come for him (that’s how he found baby Adora - he didn’t steal her. Light Hope lied about that trying to manipulate Adora).

When he becomes aware that Prime might not be able to come for him because of the planet being in a different dimension, he spends most of his time locked away in his sanctum working on a portal device that is supposed to reunite him with Horde Prime.

Why would he do any of that instead of staying on the planet and ruling it for himself if that was his motivation? It makes absolutely no sense for him to do any of that if being the sole ruler of the planet was his intent.

Another line that was brought up was this one:

The time that Prime is referring to is Hordak’s time spent with Entrapta. That’s why the shot lingers on the place her Crystal used to be. The crystal that had LUVD written on in. The scene is being quite specific in implying that this is the time that Horde Prime speaks of:

He is sad to go and leave her. When she mentions that they keep working on it ‘till it’s perfect, he smiles at her in agreement.

That is the only time Hordak even lets himself consider a life without Horde Prime and it doesn’t last long. Once Catra lies to him, the prospect of a life on Etheria with Entrapta is no longer possible. Her message about imperfections being beautiful and of him being intrinsically worthy of life, even without Prime is painted as a deception. Catra convinced him that Entrapta had deceived and used him, that he had been duped all along.

The only path left to him, as far as he knows, is back to his master.

Neither of those lines are in-show irrefutable evidence of his intention to rule the world. One would argue that Horde Prime punished him for his intentions to rule a world by himslef. To that I respond with this:

This is the crime that Horde Prime punished him for: Hordak had dared to become something other than a mindless, indoctrinated, slave; he had asserted his own will and individuality in whatever small way by becoming a person and taking a name.

So Horde Prime nipped in the bud.

If his clones were ever to assert any individuality, will or preference, if they ever stopped serving with blind devotion at a crucial point, they could become a threat to him.

He was right of course:

Hordak shooting Horde Prime whilst the latter was concentrated on hacking The Heart of Etheria was crucial in distracting him from this:

Hordak’s little defiance may have been short lived, since Horde Prime has such disturbing power over his clones and immediately possessed him, but that little distraction was enough to buy precious time and to force Horde Prime to the planet’s surface where Adora could get to him. If he had been defeated whilst in orbit, Prime could just have jumped in the body of any other clone throughout the universe.

Hordak’s actions aided in Prime’s definitive demise.

Another argument against Hordak is his last declaration to Horde Prime.

Hordak’s speech to Prime is not an affirmation of him going back to conquering Etheria. It’s Hordak telling Horde Prime that he’s a person and he has a right to be one, to have his own will.

- You created me to serve you and your will, but I have a right to be more than that.

- I am a person, an individual, I have a name, I am not just a mindless tool. I have lived things in your absence.

- I have experienced unconditional acceptance and affection.

- I am a person and I deserve to have my own thoughts, feelings and my own free will. I defy yours. You are not my master any more.

Nowhere in his speech is it suggested that he’ll go back to conquering. He just wants to be free of Horde Prime. Entrapta is alive and the alternative to a life in servitude to Prime is available again. He chose her over his own God. That is the only choice he made. Not to go back to conquest or kick puppies and orphans. He chose to be in her presence rather than His.

Sadly, he is only free of Horde Prime 3 minutes before the show ends. Any apology for his actions in Prime’s name made in those last 3 minutes would have been half assed and unsatisfying. He has a lot of reparations to make as redemption for his actions. Regardless of the fact that he was indoctrinated, literally programmed since his creation and that is the reason why he did what he did, people were hurt, homes were destroyed and he has to redeem himself for that and make long term reparations. This couldn’t have been believably addressed in the time left. The show-runner Noelle mentioned in one of the Podcasts that he does reparations after the show. I wish that had been part of the series and not an observation after it. Perhaps, seeing that would have quelled some of the vitriol aimed at him. (and at his “stans”- real people getting hate and bullying for the crimes committed against fictional Etherians)

The message of this show is forgiveness, acceptance and redemption. The characters are complex and they all have their respective shades of gray in their characterization (except Horde Prime who is basically Nyarlathotep). I don’t understand why the fandom is so divisive and so intent on pitting them against each other and villainizing one or the other in an attempt to make their own favorite character more morally superior. Can’t we appreciate all of them and the parts they had to play in the story?

Whew! That was one long essay. I am as always, open to discussion on the topic so long as civility is maintained. Have a nice day!

@garnet-xx-rose gets credit for helping me put my thoughts in order and for adding interesting points to the argument. Thank you Garnet!

#Hordak #Horde Prime #Catra #spop discourse #longwinded essays #This was one of the longest yet

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coepiteamare · 4 years ago

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catch up tag games

i love tag games, but i haven’t been around, so things have piled up. in a frantic attempt to do everything AND not spam the dash, i’ve (once again) compiled.

tagging (if you haven’t done it and if you want to): everyone tagged below + @monvante @cutechim @augustbutwinter @propinqxity @hansolmates @zibermuda

10 questions

Tagged by @triviafics

rules: answer 10 questions and tag 10 people you want to get to know better!

relationship status: single. painfully single

favorite color: pink and blue!

three favorite foods: tacos, creme brulee, honey lavender ice cream

song stuck in my head: levitating by dua lipa (yes i’m late to the party)

last song I listened to: it’s okay if you forget me by astrid s

last thing I googled: ...barbie movie with the weasel

time: 8:46pm

dream trip: visiting all my friends (irl and online), south korea at one point

anything I really want: for my loved ones to be okay. to be happy.

WIP FOLDER TAG

tagged by: @bratkook @joonscore @triviafics @dinamitae @underthejoon @jinpanman

rules: post the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. then let people send asks with the title that most intrigues/interests them and you’ll post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it!

1) favourite crime - jk x oc

2) dreamwalkers - jk x dreamwalker!oc

3) maybe the sea calls you (the way you call me) - jk x mermaid!oc

4) the day the world stood still - taehyung x oc

5) the dictionary of lovers - jk x oc

6) untitled, (things you didn’t say at all) - namjoon x acrobat!oc

7) welcome to wonderland (we’re all mad here) - yoongi & jungkook x alice!oc

8) turn back (look how far we’ve come) - jk x oc

the “butter” song challenge!

tagged by @triviafics @opaljm

choose five songs that spell out the word BUTTER and link them, then tag 5 mutuals or the last 5 people in your notifications.

B - brutal by olivia rodrigo

U - urs by niki

T - true crime by epik high

T - the same by ashe

E - ex by kiana lede

R - rain by bts

Zodiac This or That ✨

clean ones here!

tagged by: @triviafics

Sagittarius (sun): Teal or Purple. Topaz or Turquoise. Dandelion or Daffodil. Ginseng or Cilantro. Horse or Stag/Buck. Plane ride or Road trip. Learn Hindi or Learn Japanese. Ginger or Wasabi. Climbing or Snowboarding. Teleportation or Super Speed. Carnival or Circus. Sake or Tequila. Duffel Bags or Suitcases. Time Manipulation or Basic Precognition. Tambourine or Triangle. Backpacking or Whitewater rafting. Aquarius or Libra.

Virgo (moon): Navy Blue or Olive Green. Peridot or Sardonyx. Peony or Sweet Pea. Hops or Rosemary. Chess or Checkers. Carrot Cake or Fig Bar/Cakes/Cookies. Knitting or Crocheting. Grammar Checking/Quality Assurance or Critiquing a piece of work. Golf or Tennis. Buttercups or Morning Glory. Herbs magic or Earth and plant bending. Mice or Bees. Cabernet Frank or Micro-brews. Enchanted Garden or Magic that can perfect skills. Bunnies or Deer. Cancer or Scorpio.

Leo (rising): Gold or Orange. Cat’s Eye or Ruby. Sunflower or Marigold. Aniseed or Elderflower. Oranges or Peaches. Dance or Theater. Cosplay or Creating Fan Fiction. Sunbathing or Hot Stone Massage. Light Magic or Magical Statues/Monuments. Saxophone or Trumpet. Chardonnay or Gin. Super Strength or a Power like Occlumency. Lions or Tigers. Being a Queen/King or Having Immortality. Being the hero or Being the headliner. Tickle or Pillowfight. Libra or Gemini.

This or That

tagged by: @triviafics (lol i love you isi)

love at first sight or slowly growing fond of someone? love letters or mixtapes? hand kisses or kisses on the cheeks? understanding each other without words or finishing each others sentences? gazing into each other’s eyes or looking away blushing? longing to be with someone again or spending every second together? laughing together or crying together? someone run their fingers through your hair or gently playing with your hand? surprise kisses or long tight hugs?

check-in tag!

tagged by: @yeojaa

1. why did you choose your url?

coepi te amare means i have begun to love you in latin. i first heard it from a rixythewraith ff with double b and i’ve used it in a lot of things ever since.

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them

estbellumsacrum - my personal. there’s just a lot of art and things that are too sad to be here.

3. how long have you’ve been on tumblr?

uhm i had my first tumblr in 2014? in 10th grade. but this one, i made in January 2020.

4. do you have a queue tag?

yup! exqueue you

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i started writing fanfics in highschool, but stopped. i wanted a way to keep myself writing and accountable and motivated, so i started this!

6. why did you choose your icon?

because i love jungkook. hehe

7. why did you choose your header?

because i love him. but also, it looks kind of whimsical and magical.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

uhm probably “you have (1) new voicemail”

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i have no idea tbh

10. how many followers do you have?

300 something!

11. how many people do you follow?

233

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm not on here, but yes. yes i have

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

uhhh i used to be on it consistently. now a days, maybe once or twice a day?

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

not to my knowledge!

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

i feel a lot. i’m not just going to reblog things for the sake of reblogging, especially when i’m not educated on the topic and could be spreading false information. when i think it’s important, i’m going to do my research and educate myself. i do understand the importance of signal boosting, so i can understand where the “you NEED to reblog” part comes from, but at the end of the day, social media is also (especially tumblr) a form of escape. let people have whatever blogs they want, as long as they’re not hurting or harming anyone.

16. do you like tag games?

yuh

17. do you like ask games?

yes yes yes

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

uhhhh tbh, everyone? all of my mutuals are really talented, and i think all of them deserve the world. but uhm...i asked my friend who doesn’t have a writing blog on tumblr and she knows @underthejoon and @bratkook

19. do i have a crush on a mutual?

don’t we all? (but in all honesty, she inspired “love letters i cannot send”)

#tag games with violet #violet thoughts on the horizon

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occidentaltourist · 4 years ago

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I've gone back and forth with SC being queerbaiting and always like your perspective as a balance from the rest of the fandom. But what's your take after that last ep? Bc i couldn't believe what I was seeing at times. Thanks

Thank you friend! I love that my dash is so full of happiness and lovely art and funny shitposts. :) S5 was such a slog and it’s great to see the community feeling inspired again!

I haven’t rewatched the episode so I’m not sure if this will change. There were parts of the episode I really liked and others that didn’t work so well?

They have this penchant for leaving storyline resolutions to the very last minute and while it can work for big bad plots (YMMV), I think it gives the emotional and relationship stories short shrift.

Earlier the same day Alex was pointing a gun at Lena, and now Lena is giving her hugs and dispensing relationship advice ... nothing in between but a look or two. Okay. I guess we’ll forget about the cannon and using Kara as a Trojan horse.

Kara spent all of 5b treating Lena like a villain and was so angry, also earlier that day. They had a huge blowup over Myriad that lasted weeks but now Kara is like “you’re the only person in the galaxy I know would do right by it” and “I know what’s in your heart.” Help, I have whiplash. ;)

Is it the adrenaline talking? The need to get Lena to do something because the fate of the world is at stake? One thing I couldn’t quite figure out about Alex, for example, is how much she genuinely likes Lena - and how many of her compliments are simply a motivational tactic to get Lena to produce something she needs.

Personally I could have done without the hyperbolic declarations. It’s okay to rebuild slowly ... we don’t need to go from subzero to 300 degrees immediately. I think it would feel more earned, if that makes sense.

It’s what I liked so much about Brainy’s scenes with both Nia and Lena: the honesty of them and the emotional pacing feeling just right. No big statements, just agreement to try again and do better.

It’s also why I preferred the Lena Luthor Protocol and the yellow sun drone ... Lena didn’t even need to be in the frame, or say anything, to convey so much. So great, and packed the strongest emotional punch.

(With Lena, I think she loves Kara but she’s also still working through her feelings of remorse and guilt over the role she played in enabling Lex.)

TL;DR I appreciated the shippy moments and it’s fun to view them as standalone segments. I didn’t think they worked quite as well in context.

#asks #kara was about to die and everyone treated it as another day at the office #they were too busy running around to spare a moment #what a weird narrative choice

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manicmarsupial · 4 years ago

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The Smallest Outlaw Chapter 4- The Point of Snow Return

I’ve really got to progress to the Horseshoe Overlook chapter. I’m running out of snow puns. A bit of a boring chapter, but there is Ollie’s origins and a small (lol) physical description...that’s kind of it really. Also...I really stink at trying to write accents because of stupid hearing

I’m still trying to figure out if this story will follow the plotline exactly or make it in to a fix-it fic. Oh the choices...help...

As usual, feel free to submit ideas you would like to see. Also, acknowledgments and thank yous to @yeenybeanies (Devin is awesome), @lilnoodlegal (Outlaws and Winglings is a much better story than my brain barf shitposting), and @tiny-james (for fuelling the fire of my madness regarding RDR2 G/t).

Feel free to let me know if you want to be tagged for updates to this story. Let’s get this started.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know when I fell asleep. I’m no longer on a wooden surface in front of the fire. Judging from the feeling, I’m still wrapped up in Hosea’s scarf…and it’s dark. One surface I’m resting against is moving steadily. Occasionally I can hear a deep thump.

I try to adjust my position to get more information. I hear a questioning hum reverberate above me. A sliver of light above me widens. As my eyes adjust to the light, I see the towering figure of Hosea. I unconsciously attempt to retreat.

“Mornin’ Ollie,” he smiles as he looks down at me.

I look around. As well as being wrapped up in his scarf, he also had me under his coat. That explains the movement and the thumping.

“Morning,” I mumble in return.

I cover my eyes and hide back into the scarf, whining about bright light. Hosea’s chuckle rumbles through his chest as I feel the woollen material close around me. I brace myself as I feel my confines move.

“You have an explanation due,” I hear Hosea’s voice almost directly outside.

I emit a grumpy ‘no’ sound and burrow further into the scarf.

“Are you going to continue this stubbornness?”

“Yah huh.”

“Just my luck,” he mutters with a sigh.

Honestly, now I kind of feel sorry for him. I scrabble my way to the open part of the bundle, only to pull part of the scarf over my head like a hood due to the cold air nearly freezing my ears off.

“I can’t tell you what’s going on, because I don’t rightly know,” I admit with a shrug.

“How is that possible?” Hosea raises an eyebrow.

I think about this. Should I tell this giant stranger about myself? He did admit that he and his friends were outlaws. Outside, there’s wolves, bears, and a blizzard. Inside, a whole lot of giant outlaws. My question is, which is more dangerous? Well, if these guys wanted to kill me, I’d be dead already.

“Because two days ago, I was human.”

A brief look of disbelief crosses Hosea’s features.

“Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Your pointed ears were off putting.”

“My what?!” I exclaim.

Hosea looks confused, then smiles.

“You obviously haven’t seen yourself in a mirror, have you?”

“Uhhh, no. I woke up with my hotel bed the size of a barn and lit a shuck anywhere else. No time to preen,” I admit, hesitantly moving my working arm to one of my ears.

They’re pointed, as Hosea said, but much longer and stick out. At my surprised realization, they twitch upward.

Hosea chuckles softly and my ears flick at feeling the exhalation of his breath.

“At least you’re entertained,” I grumble.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did you end up in Colter?”

“I stowed away in someone’s satchel. Turned out he was an O’Driscoll. Not my best decision.”

“An O’Driscoll? Do you remember which way they were heading?”

I try to recall what direction the horseman was going.

“Uh, North East, I think.”

“Ah, we’ve already run into them,” a dark look passes briefly over Hosea’s face.

“What about your arm?” any sour attitude regarding the O’Driscoll’s has gone.

“Oh, the horse bucked. I landed badly, then staggered over here for shelter.”

“How are you still unconvinced that I was human?” I ask on seeing Hosea’s dubious expression.

“It sounds too simple.”

I shrug off my makeshift hood and go to search my bag, but I don’t have it.

“Where’s my satchel?”

I’m sure I had it with me.

Hosea shifts me to one hand then rummages through his pocket and pulls out my bag. It’s positively dwarfed in his palm. I move one hand to take it from him, then reconsider. I just spill out the contents.

“If I wasn’t human, all that would be too much of a coincidence,” I gesture to the two food tins, my journal, and a small amount of coins.

Hosea raises his hand closer to his face to inspect the items.

“Awake already, old friend?” Dutch enters the room with a booming greeting.

“Just talkin’ to little Ollie here,” I feel my ears flick in irritation at the nickname Hosea just referred to me as.

“What have you found out about our latest acquisition?”

“Used to be human. Ended up in Colter by accident,” Hosea answers, passing Dutch the stuff I had poured into his hand.

He inspects the items before placing them back into the bag.

“And how is Ollie feeling?” Dutch hands me my satchel.

“I’m a tiny human with a broken arm and a thin coat in a blizzard. I’ve had better days.” I grumble.

I recoil as Hosea brings his other hand up, but he only rearranges his scarf to cover my shoulders.

“At least you’re no longer stuck outside alone,” he smiles.

With that in mind, this isn’t one of my worst days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hosea had left the cabin to discuss something with the other gang members, something about another missing member. I kept myself busy by reading…trying to at any rate, the book Hosea always has.

When you had no-one to teach you as a child, it’s a hard thing to teach yourself. I’m no exception. I understand enough to know it’s a crime story. It doesn’t take long for me to focus all my attention on reading.

My ears flick as I feel a short gust of warm air from behind me and a familiar chuckle.

“Sorry, probably should have asked you first,” I mutter, grabbing the cover of the book to close it.

I’m stopped by Hosea’s massive hand over mine. I track my eyes up his arm to look up at his face. He’s kneeling next to the small table.

“I would never have taken you for a reader,” he says with a smile.

“Uhh, I can’t read…not very well anyway,” I admit.

He takes the book, marking the page with his finger and puts his other hand out in front of me.

“C’mon Ollie,” he urges.

“Why?” I ask cautiously, slowly backing away.

“Because you’ll freeze to death like that.”

I look down at myself. I hadn’t realized the scarf was no longer over me.

“Oh,” is all I can say as I shiver.

I give a squeak of fright as Hosea wraps his massive hand around me. I struggle to escape his grasp as he lifts me off the table.

“If you keep squirming, I might drop you,” he warns softly.

“I’m trying not to hurt you.”

That’s kind of true. I notice that his grip isn’t actually tight. More of a secure hold trying to avoid my splinted arm.

My stomach drops as Hosea stands up and I grab onto his finger with one arm, holding on for dear life. He takes a step to sit down in a chair in front of the fireplace. He leans back slightly as he settles into his seat. His fingers loosen and I drop the short distance, landing on the fur lapel of his jacket. I barely have time to get my bearings before his hand pins me down. I try to wriggle out from under his hand.

“Shh, just relax. You need rest with your injured arm, and you are going to freeze without intervention,” his voice rumbles through his chest.

My next sentence is interrupted as the cabin door opens. It’s not Dutch or Arthur, but an older man with glasses. Hosea quickly places his other hand over me, concealing me from the new arrival, though I can just see through the slight gap in his fingers.

“Ah, good evening Herr Matthews,” the new man greets in a thick accent.

I’m guessing German maybe. As he turns to close the door, Hosea closes both hands around me. I register upward movement then I’m dropped onto his shoulder. Specifically, between his shirt and coat collar. He wraps his scarf carefully around, then stands up. I grab his coat in fright.

“Evenin’ Herr Strauss,” Hosea’s booming voice echoes in my ears.

“I’m vondering vhen we are getting off zis mountain. I’m sure zhe others are curious about zhis also,” Herr Strauss says as he attempts to rub some warmth back into his arms and hands.

“We have to be extremely careful, Strauss. Pinkertons are still crawling all over the state.”

Pinkertons?! What did this gang of outlaws do? And what have I landed myself into?

“I know. I’m just anxious, is all,” Strauss replies.

I don’t register the pounding of hoofbeats until Strauss is already at the window.

“Zhere back. Wit John. Mein Gott, he looks awful,” he exclaims.

Hosea took the opportunity while Strauss was distracted to take me off his shoulder and put me into the small drawer of the end table, then gesturing ‘shush’, before following German outside.

That was…weird.

#rdr2 #Red Dead Redemption 2 #G/t #RDR2 G/t #Giant/tiny #The Smallest Outlaw #Hosea Matthews #Leopold Strauss #I don't know what I'm doing with my life #Ollie's ears mirror emotions and facial expressions #it was funny when I thought of it

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duskreaper · 5 years ago

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A new Year: A Fresh Start

Hello to everyone who follows me across several different blogs and topics! On many of my blogs I don't really make much personal posts, so to many it may seem that I've kinda disappeared or slowed down in my postings. I'm gonna be reblogging this across all my active blogs, and I will also list all my blogs below for those who may want something new to follow! But I'm kinda gonna explain my recent inactivity, and what's ahead.

In short: 2019 sucked.

Really hard.

I was raised by my grandparents since I was a baby and their health in the last 3 years wasn't the greatest. I am their only close relative living in the state, so my work involvement around the house increased as their ability to do things decreased. In March of this year my grandmother fell, and while she didn't hurt herself outside of bruising, it began a month long medical disaster that ended with her passing in April.

My grandfather was already in poorer overall health then she was, and after she passed his health began a rapid decline. He had four hospital stays over six months, and required almost 24/7 care at home. I was fortunate he was still independent enough that I could still go to work every day, but I had to give up my usual summer activities and things like the Renn Faire to help care for him.

On his fourth hospital stay I was told that there wasn't much more they could do and he would be placed on in-home hospice. I needed help and drove 6 hours to pick up my mother, (who had no car), to come back and help me with his care once he was home from the hospital. He passed away at home at the end of October after only roughly 5 days home from the hospital.

Since then it feels like it's been a torrent of never ending paperwork that I've been feeling like I'm being drowned with. And while I am staying in my lifelong home, it still needs to be cleaned out and stuff sorted with the keep/toss/donate/sell dance. But the paperwork is slowly starting to trickle instead of pour, and I am down to only one room in the house left to sort through. So there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.

And good things are happening too. I have someone very special who is going to come and try living with me for a while and see if we are compatible long term. And three weeks after my grandfather passed I finally achieved my lifelong dream of owning a pet, and adopted two adorable and silly cats that never fail to make me laugh and smile. And soon to be three! :D

So what does this mean for my blogs? It means I'm back. I will be back to posting new content and such for my blogs regularly once the new year hits! :D More funny horse names, more pirates, more pretty puppet guys and of course - more kitties!

So without further ado, here's a list of all my blogs for those who may be interested in following some more:

@duskreaper Main Blog - Personal thoughts, stuff I love, Warcraft, HTTYD, shitposting!

NEW BLOG!

@wowkitties - Follow the journey I take with my new cats as I work getting these shy little boys out of their shell, and also bring in potentially three other cats in the future!

Horse Blogs: @funnyhorsenames - Sharing the silly and absurd names found in race horses (And some non-racers!) of all breeds! @finalfurlong - My general Non-funny horse racing blog @horseoftheday A new horse every day! Real and fictional, Alicorns to Zebras! @mystichooves - A re-blog blog where I toss artwork and images I love featuring horses, deer and other fantasy hooved creatures!

Aesthetic Blogs: @pirates-ahoy - My blog that showcases my unhealthy obsession with pirates, and also helps serve as an inspiration blog for some of my WoW RP characters and a book I am writing! @hallowedfall - My Autumn and Halloween themed blog @animals-of-autumn - Same as above, but with 100% more animals! @flyintoafantasy - A scenic blog featuring locations that could fit into a fantasy world, as well as fantasy art @ashesofantiquity - A blog focusing on ancient ruins and urban decay.

Fandom Blogs: @thunderboltfantasia - A blog for the awesome puppet show, Thunderbolt Fantasy. Go watch it, it needs more fans! @foreverflareon - A showcase of love for my favoritest Pokemon of all time, Flareon! @mdzs-hell - A newer blog where I toss my favorite art for the series Mo Dao Zu Shi! @voltronify - Yes! It's Voltron! I don't post here as often, but I still do on occasion. It’s Ship-free! (Not including space ships) I still haven't watched season 8. >__> I also really wanna make a HTTYD fan blog but I have no ideas for one.

#personal #update

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mania-junkie-writes · 6 years ago

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M&Ms - A Convoluted Argument - Short Story - The Trio

So this one was inspired by my bestie @chuddychud (thank you and you’re welcome) that I wrote a while back and deserves some love and admiration. Hope you enjoy this minor shitpost starring the trio. Enjoy!

(tags under the cut)

“I can’t believe you’d say something like that!”

“Well I’m sorry for breaking the truth to you, princess, but they SUCK.”

Locked in heated eye contact, two men crackle the air’s tension, armed with their harsh gazes and sharpened tones the war the wage burns ever brighter...

“No. No. Peanut M&Ms are clearly the better M&Ms.”

“No. No. NO. Regular M&Ms are the only ones worthy of existing, not your horse shi--”

“You’re a sick bastard, you know that Nate?!”

“Personally I like the caramel M&Ms…” A third voice pipes up.

“SHUT UP DANA!” “SHUT UP DANA!”

Three audible deeply troubled breaths are taken.

“You know what Nate, why can’t you just admit you’re wrong and we can move on from this whole ordeal.”

“Oh. Ohohoho… That I’m wrong! You’re a fucking prick you know that, Alex!”

“Fuck you Nate!”

“Time and place, Alexander!”

A fuming, long-haired man throws up his hands in… exasperation?

Wait.

No.

That’s a middle finger.

Rolling his eyes, the other man in the room huffs out a scoff as the other rises and storms towards the door. With a slam behind him, Alex leaves and Nate is left alone…

Wait.

No.

Dana’s still in the fucking corner. Jesus Christ.

The rising crescendo of a slow clap echoes through the tension-ridden air as Dana rises from her perch and saunters over to the offended, huffy man.

“Bravo Nate, you really had him there.”

“Shut up Dana.”

“You know about halfway in, I was debating getting up for popcorn but the scene was too damn precious.”

“Shut up Dana…”

“You know, maybe I should get you and Alex matching engagement rings, just as a preemptive strike to your inevitable fucking.”

“SHUT UP DANA!”

Before Nate can even address the growing heat on his face, Dana is out the door cackling.

“You’re so fucking gay…”

***

“UGH!”

“What?”

“Alex hasn’t talked to me in 3 days, Dana.”

“Gee, I wonder why.”

“Shut up…”

“He is known for giving a very thorough silent treatment…”

“Silent treeeeeeatmeeeeeentttt…” Nathaniel whines while simultaneously, and quite dramatically might I add, flopping onto the hard, dusty floor.

Dana lets out a soft chuckle as she looks down upon the noodle boy that is Nate. Swelling up an obnoxiously pink bubble of gum, she lets out a loud pop before sighing and laying down next to her friend.

“You could always try apologizing.”

“Over my cold, dead ass Dana.”

“Yeah I figured.” Sighing even louder, the frilly, pink girl stands and dusts off her puffy skirt before sounding another, louder, pop.

“I’m gonna bring Alex over.”

“Wait, fuck, DANA!” But she’s out the door and the noodle boy is standing up, trying not to squeak out his anger.

“It’s not my fault he’s a sexy fuckta--”

“Ehem…”

Whirling towards the door, Nate gulps down what he hopes isn’t his brunch burrito.

“Alex.” Nate sounds curtly.

Nodding in acknowledgement, Alexander enters the room. A much paler Nate takes a seat by the window, motioning for the brawny man to do the same beside him. Stomping over to the empty armchair and sitting down with a puff, Nate takes a breath and--

CRONCH.

Turning slowly towards the noise, both men watch a shit-eating, smirking Dana reach for another handful of popcorn and,

CRROOONNCHHH-----

“GODDAMMIT DANA YOU MOTHERFUCK--” With a woosh and a final cackle, Dana disappears as fast as she appeared only pausing in the hall to shout over her shoulder.

“Have fun, lovebirds.”

Deeply sighing, both Nate and Alex lean back, exhausted in their chairs.

“I’m pretty sure she’s the definition of cunt.”

Staring at Alex in half shock, half admiration, Nathaniel lets out the biggest snort of laughter ever heard by humankind.

“You’re a fucking treat, Alex.”

Watching each other’s smiles grow, both men relax in the familiar comfort of each other before Alex parts his sweet, beckoning lips and--

“Peanut M&Ms are still better.”

“Motherfuck------”

THE END

Tag List:

Let me know if you want to be added or removed~~

@chuddychud, @proteovaldez, @approximately12lbs-of-ducks, @ad-drew, @bluewritesbadly, @katabasiss, @jess—writes, @nineteensleepycrows

#requiem #requiem for an evangelist's vocation #the trio #short story #m&ms #a convoluted argument #nate #alex #dana #10/10 quality content

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kado-maschine · 4 years ago

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How to be alone?

Everyone has problems right? Those who don't, either don't understand what the term problem means, or they are inanimate matter, but even inanimate matter has problems too because of entropy.

Anyhow, my scariest bogeyman is that at best I can't make a relationship work, and at worst I even avoid the chance of having one. Why? If I want to put it simply, fuck knows. Thing is that I'm not gonna put it simple this time, as what I have learned from fake news propagated by Russian troll armies is that everything that is simple, sensational and easy to understand is not very productive apart from having the intention to muddy the waters and serve a very select few by doing so.

Since my interest is to clarify things for my own good (and maybe help or at least entertain others), truth is the name of the game with this writing (whatever it turns out to be). If there will be no other benefits, at least I’m going to be able to cross off the mental task off my imaginary to do list.

One day, after having a rather enjoyable horse at the vet sensation, as I went to bed I had the same sensation that I was having as a child on countless occasions when I couldn't sleep or woke up randomly during the night. The bed, the sheets and most importantly the pillows felt like they are made some rigid, abrasive material, that is also disgusting. It felt like being embraced by disgust and bitterness. Normally my bed and I are best buddies, I love to sleep and I had no problem falling asleep on a beam bag in the middle of the office, during business hours. The chemistry was also supposed to help, not to deteriorate. Fast forward a few weeks while sitting on the bed and drinking a cuba made of free rum and overpriced PEPSI from the hotel's mini fridge I'm trying to figure out, when and why was I having problems with sleep before and when was I sleeping like a baby and why. In recent history, since my memory is one very slippery slope, the answer is a no, a no regarding detectable issues with my sleep. It is a no, as long as all the nights spent with gaming, night shifts or digging through obscure forums to find a track in a mix somewhere between minute 53 and 57 are not considered. Reflecting on the whole experience described above, I must have had trouble sleeping when I was a really small child and I was missing a lot. As I was growing up things got gradually better. By the time I was in high school the wardrobe have been conquered and turned into my gaming nest. The gaming room hosted my first gaming pc that I built piece by piece from a shitty Athlon that dad got screwed over by some "friend" and beloved games that kept me glued to the screen for hours on end. After the PC came my first car, job, girlfriend and slowly but surely as I moved away from my parents my own life really started to take shape. I have slept better and better. Now, armed with a mortgage, with two cars that possibly cost as much put together as a front bumper for a brand new BMW M3, two cats who are by far not the smartest but they keep me company and are cute af, two bicycles, a bunch of computers and a job that I'm grateful to have and one that fits my questionable attitude towards work, I yet again arrived to the point where the quality of my sleep is degrading faster than a space capsule entering the atmosphere, despite all the the things listed above were part of what I was dreaming of as a child and teenager/student.

Despite all of these, I'm oscillating between two states when it comes to sleep. One is the depression sleep, after taking a long hard look at my backlog that reaches to the Moon and back at least five times, taking a nap seems to be the only viable option, or multiple naps, or a humongous sleep where the only thing that can get me out of bed is the need to pee. The other one is the let's try to solve all of my problems in a purely theoretical manner, right before sleep, going over the same problems over and over, while making wild conspiracy theories about myself, because of the purely hypothetical setting. This mental kung-fu under some circumstances can turn into the above mentioned “being embraced by disgust” thing. How did I get here?

I've seen people being happier while having a lot less. What is that they have and I do not possess? Intimacy, I guess by the power of exclusion. Of course I could just short this whole thing before it gets off the ground, as a self-proclaimed good capitalist. I could say that If I can make enough money, someone will fake it for me for the financial benefit and as long as this someone does the thing right and tricks to my brain, I couldn't give less a of a fuck, or could I? Anyhow, with my current work ethic of extracting as much resources as possible form as little invested work as possible puts a cap on my earnings that limits my financial possibilities to roadside STD intimacy. Shut up! - screams the humanist from somewhere between repressed emotions and avoided social responsibilities. You have to make things work, otherwise you're just treating the symptoms, but the root cause remains and will re-surface over and over again - he continues. Now, call me Susan and you know the rest... A multitude of attempts were made to solve this mess, so I kept failing in various ways. Yes, my now my mantra is "failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, success, failure, failure, success". Despite this attitude, one can only take so many failures before feeling exhausted and gets worse at the task on hand because of said tiredness and fails even more. People also tend to tell me that I need to learn to be happy alone. Please, shut the fuck up. Despite my shitposting, which i find genuinely funny, good and somewhat toxic way of escapism, I can be happy when I'm alone. Just to bring one example to the table, the road to this very hotel room where I'm writing this whatever right now, took me through one of the twistiest mountain passes that gets you outside of the Carpathian basin, the road goes through the city of Cheia (BV) and it has dozens upon dozens of hairpins one after another and miles upon miles of narrow, twisty roads with a bunch of elevation changes. My right foot just couldn’t care about fuel consumption. With my tires squealing in almost every corner and I was laughing loudly in the car, spanking the dash and shouting "ohh yea" while I could let the steering wheel loose for a few seconds. Dancing alone in the living room when the track of the week or month hits out of the blue, or when the right people at the right party are found to have "deep" conversations about whatever stupid topics that our brain soaking in whatever cocktail finds to be fit for purpose. The thing is, if one spent somewhere in the neighbourhood of six years trying all the gizmos and distractions of the modern society to make him or herself be happy without intimacy and succeeded to some extent, but at the same time realized that hundreds of thousands of years of evolutional biology and al the workflows tied into it cannot be cheated in a lifespan, what are the limits for being happy alone?

I have reached a point where the things that cause me unconditional pleasure are getting very complicated, time consuming, expensive or dangerous, like buying car parts, pushing transportation devices to their limits, gambling with bs crypto currencies or trying to learn skills with a heck of a learning curve, not to mention experimenting with chemically induced changes in my brain activity. I have also reached a point where it gets harder and harder to trick my biology. The ape says reproduce, while this in the modern era where global warming is prevalent and innocent eyed orphans are making t-shirts in Bangladesh for next to nothing in a sweatshop, while China’s rivers deliver more plastic to the oceans than water kind world makes no sense. I could at least fool the ape with just having someone around and occasionally making love or engaging in other forms of intimacy. At least the thresholds would be closer and it would be a lot simpler to fool the inner ape and the hormone levels wouldn't need to filled up with lies that much. Besides the raw biological teardown, having someone around as a partner where the positive interactions outweigh the negative ones could be the basis of a symbiosis between two humans.

If some intimacy / sex / company would help, why I’m not having any? - the question poses. In theory, the ins and outs have been mapped out. It all started, as it mostly does, during childhood. The marriage of my parents went totally south when my sister was born and I had 4 years, so my long term memory just started working. This meant that my memory had no part of seeing a single act of intimacy of my primary caregivers towards each other, just shouting, aside from my grandmother and my favourite aunt giving me a hug sometimes. It was a real battle zone where a few hours without shouting were far and few between. This and a lot of other shit that my parents were haunted by, courtesy of their own pasts gave me exactly zero knowledge on how to read woman. I’m basically fucking blind. Even if I was any good at maths I would loose count of the occasions when someone told me, “Look at that girl / woman, how she’s looking at us / you” and I had to ask where to look, in terms of general direction, not to mention the ability to pick up small signs. How do I see the sign, if a year or so have passed since we ’been together and I didn’t know the eye colour of my first girlfriend. Sounds surprising right? Well, when batshit crazy is considered normal for the first 20 years of your life, climbing out of that perspective has quite a learning curve. If that learning curve weren’t damn steep enough as is, add a stupid decision to it, and be very disciplined about that stupid decision for years, and the shitstorm will be near perfect. But I come back to the near perfection of the shitstorm in a bit.

First of all, how about that first girlfriend and the stupid decision? I think I might have been 18yo when I had my first kiss and I was 19yo when I met my first girlfriend. I would have never ended up her boyfriend if I wasn’t drunk on a particular party and were just kissed by another girl who was into me boosting my morale, the cherry on the top of the cake being that I knew from a friend of my sister that my would be ex was into me. All these factors played into the hand of a relationship that lasted two and a half years and could have been a major leaping stone for me. She looked gorgeous and a chemistry was spot on. We learned things together and I learned how and where and when to touch a woman. Since I was still in the grasp of the narrow conservative (small rural town, what do you expect?) mindset I did and said a bunch of things I’m not proud of. Hopefully she learnt more from those lessons as much as I did or even more. So, why wasn’t this relationship the bridge between my loneliness and the ability to have functioning relationships? Why instead of being a leaping stone I stumbled and fell into a ditch head first?

When it ended, the feeling was so shitty, that the most logical conclusion to my very simplistic mind was to avoid feeling like that again altogether, therefore becoming cold and distant become the primary guidelines. Six years of loneliness ensued. Going without sex, kissing anyone or hugging could be easily measured in moths or even a year. Months have passed between occasional one night stands, where the hunter was determined or drunk enough to not to care about my cluelessness, or the hunted was drunk enough to not to be totally unapproachable or clueless or both. Even if they were looking to turn the one night stand into multiple nights or maybe a relationship, due to the long stretches of loneliness and due to the weird sexual expectations that arose during said long stretches of nothingness, I felt so weird and ashamed of myself, that I turned down further invitations and couldn’t bring myself to talk to them. Basically, from their perspective, I had sex with them, than I disappeared in the ether. I have managed to show myself in a successful a-hole kind a way, while I felt like the most unlucky, ugly and talentless piece of shit (now that’s what I call “an achievement”).

Despite the fact that I found myself highly repulsive for a long time, hiding behind sunglasses and foundation I had enough self confidence to let woman try. And boy oh boy, they did try. Those who were more desperate were more determined, while those who had multiple choices open had a look, maybe had some fun and than left seeing the vast cluster of insecurities behind the sketchy façade that looked enticing from a distance, but fell apart upon closer inspection. People told me that I was good looking and I should have a girlfriend and I truly believed for years that they were only saying this to save face. Now, looking back, I’m starting to realize that I’m not ugly, I might even be good looking by some metrics. This realization came as the memory lane of old pictures was revisited again and again. Upon closer inspection all the woman around me, hugging me, giving me kisses on photos became evident. It is one thing that I couldn’t capitalize on any of that, but I realized, how lucky am I that genetics favoured me. Elsewise, if the gene pool wouldn’t have been kind to me at least in this department, I would be the most neglected man, considering my social and dating skills. Or the lack thereof, to be more precise. One thing to be grateful for.

Before this realization occurred, I shit you not, I had to realize first, that the policy I applied after I broke up with my first girlfriend was seriously affecting me. It was like one of those cases, when a temporary workaround is put in place for something, everyone forgets about it, than it causes a major shitstorm in the long run when something breaks down the line, messing up a forgotten but needed dependency. Before this realization life went by casually in a perfect state of cognitive dissonance, by not willing to open up for anyone, not willing to pay attention to anyone’s feelings and yet craving intimacy and blaming the world for not providing any.

So ok, during the time it took for the realization to kick in some amazing woman drifted away. ”What do you do now, you dumb fucking bitch?” - asks one part of the brain. “Well, you stand up, use less swearwords, or edit them out later and keep moving on hoping that each failure at least landed some useful experience points that can be used as a solid base for improvement.” - says the other. So this is how the journey of relationship 101 and emotion handling begun.

Phase 1. Trying to establish a relationship, but being emotionally unavailable.

There’s was a girl who added me on facebook after after a party and somehow I managed to puzzle the picture together. She was there, she saw me playing music, she liked me and she tried to reach out. We have started talking, we have started going out and we kept going out without me doing any advances for 3 moths, when she finally had enough and invited me over to her place to watch Narcos. That night was followed by a relationship that lasted approx two months when she kicked me out, calling me insensitive and unable to care for her emotionally. She was totally right.

Moving on, I drop a comment on some meme posted by one of the girls I met at the University a few years ago. She replies to my comment, I reply to hers, the discussion moves to chat. After a couple of days she tells me that she is coming home from abroad and we shall meet. I agree. The meeting happens, other things happen, we get along really well, meet two more times and consider ourselves to be in a long distance relationship. She’s very enthusiastic, wants to communicate with me, she’s being cute and I’m still 100% emotionally unavailable. When I finally decide to visit her, after dragging the topic for months, she cuts me loose. Rightfully so. Off course, I delete her from social media, and decide that whatever, I’ll make enough money so someone will stay with me for that, even if I’m an emotional iceberg laced with titanium (un-fucking-penetrable). What an utterly crappy response to being rejected, says captain hindsight.

Phase 2. Overflow.

Next up, wasted on party (but in a mildly good way) and another girl who remembers me from a festival that took place years ago initiates a conversation and I end up hanging out with her and all of her girlfriends. We party, we talk, we decide to go to an after at their place. Due to administrative reasons when I get there only one of them is there, so we start talking. Meanwhile people are arriving, chemicals are wearing off and kicking in, dynamics change. Finally everyone gives in and we sleep together. The next day (because the next days always counts from the moment when you wake up) we talk, have a long walk, I unload a mental excel of pros and cons about myself to her since honesty can only be good (later on my psychologist tells me the contrary, since what I do is scary and things should be let to unravel by themselves) and I leave town. After my short city break is over we decide to meet and she’s over at my place before I could blink. We start hanging out more and more. Even If I have the tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again, just to be sure that they are mistakes and I have mastered the recipe, this time I knew that I have to open myself up. The theoretical part was ok, as the plan was to move slowly and open myself up step by step over an extended period of time. Unfortunately the gap between theory and practice sometimes can accommodate a few light years in between, so all of the emotions that I managed to bottle up over the years managed to get out after only a few careful steps. She had her own problems, I had mine and they didn’t make a good combination, but a rather unfortunate one. Disregarding the fact that I have tried to invest emotionally, I still couldn’t care for her emotional needs. The whole thing blew up in my face, basically. Being blind to anything that is less obvious than she suddenly turning to me in the middle of the night and saying, “I have to go home”, and having the alarm of something is not right going off is not the hallmark of being ready for a relationship. Another part of the lecture was that revealing rating systems to woman about woman is a double edged ice cream that mostly licks back instead of being licked. For those who don’t view the world from an engineering / mathematical (call it as you fancy) perspective, there are people out there who measure and categorize everything. This in a relation means that the relevant parameters like, looks, intelligence (or the lack thereof), like mindedness, biological match, size of the cultural gap (if applies), financial and social situation are all measured on a scale and the weighted average tells if the other person is a match or not, and how good a match it is. Unfolding this information in my situation turned out to be a major no-no. Based on the very narrow sample, I was convinced that this is how it is and I should never again reveal my rating system ever again. Luckily, lately a friend of mine told me that his girlfriend appreciated this kind of approach, so the analytics based way of thinking is not my mental dead end, only it has to be used after a lot of observation and in the right situation with the right people as the “target audience” seems to be quite small. By the time we got to the point of me revealing my rating system, red flags were flying all over. Thing is red flags are easy to miss even with experience not to mention barely having any. When you add that up to the fact that you need a planetary alignment that occurs every 5000 years to be able to get close to someone, you also finally manage to let your guard down and you know that giving up on things is generally considered bad and dedication is king, those red flags are rendered inexistent in the quantum soup of thoughts. All of the above combined leads to the materialization of one very specific dynamic in attachment theory, where the anxious one is trying to get closer and to invest more in general, while the avoidant is getting further and further away, creating a situation where both feel frustrated. Fast forward a little (as the whole thing lasted two months), she cuts me loose and I have no clue how to deal with the tsunami of the emotions that are now very much on the surface and the pink cloud that acted as a distraction is gone and the withdrawal starts to kick in. A downward spiral begins that ends with being so desperate to escape the sensation of a panic attack being one mental “block” away that I start taking random meds and drinking, because at one point they have to override my emotions. I don’t want to kill myself per se, but I made peace with the thought that if I need to die to escape that state of mind, I’m fine with it.

Luckily since I’m an attention whore, I’m not doing this in total silence and even if I’m not being totally upfront about it, my friends and people who are not my friends but are nice people and just care realize that something is off and rush in to help. Their intentions are really good, however, most of them are not experts and just share their best practices. Five or six best practices in, one is confused as fekk. This confusion is that finally pushes me through the barrier to seek professional help. Luck was by my side as I found a psychologist I could work with from the get go. As we were moving forward with therapy I was still trying to resuscitate a very dead relationship. The contrast between my interactions with the therapist and my ex were miles apart. While I was still rowing the waters “make her feel sorry for me” and told her how I tried to get my overboiling emotions in check, scaring her tremendously, creating a mess of emotions for both of us, the how's and whys and the to-dos were very clear during therapy. At one point the psychologist said that “You see the situation very clearly, you are also very conscious about what you did and what are the possible ramifications of your actions and you also have a plan as to how to fix them, why are you here?” My answer was simple: “While I’m in a state of rest, where I’m not being cornered by my own emotions all is clear, however, once shit hits the fan, all of the logic that was nicely put together goes out of the window and I start acting borderline crazy”.

As the therapy sessions flew by and the links to my ex started to fade, things ere starting to stabilize. All that was left is what I call “light general depression”. Light general depression is exactly what its name stands for. It doesn’t contain joy (apart from chain-smoking, watching tons of YouTube videos about video games and cars, binge eating pizza and ice cream and drinking herculean amounts of rum), existing feels bad and pointless, but it is not terrible, there are no big ups and downs and existence in this state can go on for extended periods time. As one of these days passed by as experienced from the warm hug of an unnecessarily long bath I randomly texted a friend to see what is she up to. She was hanging out by herself, drinking and asked me if I wanted to join, so I did. By the time I got there another woman was at the table. Nothing special, we introduced ourselves and carried on drinking. I did not find this new addition to my pool of acquaintances physically attractive, that under normal circumstances could have been a trigger, however she was very intriguing. As the alcohol levels in our blood gained an ever larger foothold, the discussion suddenly turned into one of those that go down the rabbit hole of serious emotions and life experiences. I love these discussions (hence the experience, wink wink), they are the bread and butter of why am I socializing. It is almost pointless to say that as the discussion turned into the two of us going on a philosophical rampage about depression and explaining the how’s and why’s to anyone around us the spark went off. Finally, as the night came to a close and everyone said their goodbyes only the two of us were left walking the through the streets bursting with nightlife telling more and more intimate stories about ourselves. As we reached her place and said goodbye I got stuck in the mental loop of what to do after a meeting and discussion like this. Luckily she promptly bypassed the situation by shaking my hand and telling me something along the lines of “till next time”. The next day the temptation was simply irresistible not to stalk her online. By the time I got a glimpse of her through her profile her friend request already landed safely.

She left town for a few weeks (if I’d be religious or into spiritual stuff, I’d say there’s a link to the previous relationship, luckily I am not, life is just hugely random), but we agreed that I would take her to party when she comes back, since she haven’t been to one since her son was born. Meanwhile I also found out that she had what she described as a “sort of boyfriend”. While all of this was unravelling my brain dripping with curiosity kicked me into higher and higher gears as my taste of the unusual and complicated got ever more triggered. Finally the day of the party came and it was the best party I ever attended where I didn’t like the music at all. We really connected. Looking back at that level of connection, I couldn’t tell if we were really alike in some terms and hugely different in others, or she is just simply darn good at showing what people would like to see. A few days later she invited me to watch a movie, we watched the whole movie without me totally being unable to do any advances, again, unless we finally decided to sleep. Things happened. That night was the starting point of a journey that lasted 7 months and included lots of love, lots of desperation, living together with ex boyfriends, handling a spoiled 4 year old boy, discussing and trying to come to terms with a father that got lost in the ether, lots of calculated action combined with a shit-ton of impulsivity and lot more. What I learned in this relationship about trauma, falling victim of compensating for trauma, overusing resources without considering the future, keeping something useless and counterproductive in your life just because it makes you feel superior, utterly useless - clueless and spoiled people, the consequences of being inconsistent in a child’s education hopefully could fill pages on its own, If I managed to learn something. All of this is still just scratching the surface. The full and detailed version of said list serves material for more writings as this paragraph could go on for dozens of pages, but it won’t to avoid further side-tracking. Also, some of these lessons still need processing time for the sake of being able to paint a picture that is more accurate rather than soaked with emotions. What is certain is that at least one writing (if not more) about overprotective parents running the risk of handicapping their children, involuntary hostage taking and kindness as a useless perk if not accompanied by other skills will come at one point. With the this pitch out of the way, let’s get back to the relationship itself. To put it simply, there was this man, dressed in black from head to toe, wearing black nail polish occasionally, being a strong proponent for nihilism and putting himself at risk for the excitement of being exposed to risk while also testing all sorts of limits because an “engineer” has to know the limits, right? During the course of a few months this man had a child seat in the back of his car, learned how to micromanage educational failures by measuring, not just feeling and truly cared for the wellbeing of a few people. He had the impression that he found his place in a world where he previously tried to fill the void by proving the pointlessness of life through reckless (and very fun) activities. Thrusters were set to 110% as the pink fog of “this is it, we have to commit and do this” descended on the brain cells locked in a hormone fuelled frenzy. Finally I experienced a Christmas where I felt happy and loved instead of trying to avoid conflict and hating the world in general.

While I was working on getting myself involved in a hot, crazy mess, thrusters 110% on, I happened to stay at my former flatmate’s parents for two days. I love going there, not just because it served as a perfect base for a weekend of partying, but it is one of those places where a family functions in a symbiosis, not co-dependence. Very-very-very fucking important difference. I love to see how people interact with one another when the main driving force is not fear, but understanding, where attachment comes from the light, not darkness. Even now it makes me to slightly tear up to know, that family can be good, not something to avoid as much as possible, if handled properly. Sights like these give hope. Anyhow, before this detour gets too big, I had good chat with my ex flatmate’s mom where she told me “Kado, don’t look for woman who fit you best, look for someone simple who is capable to learn”. Objectively speaking, this was the best advice I ever received about dating. Worry not, this will not be left unexplained, jut not right now.

So with this advice in mind, the weekend ended and the quest of getting myself deeper into the murky waters of chronic co-dependence was back. As the first few months of the relation flew by and we went from low profile affair to we’re together now and everyone should know about it, more and more details emerged of an ex that could only commit to a relationship when the imminent loss of her partner is present. It also became clear that his incompetence serves as his major attraction, since a man that is kind, but lacks any purpose and logic to derive any said purpose is highly desirable for an ego that cherishes being superior. It became evident how this dynamic eroded seven or so years of the than “woman of my dreams” into a quagmire. My nativity was strong enough to redirect the previously mentioned thrusters to pull her out of the quagmire by the power of micromanagement. The end result hovering in the distance was that my help could propel her to regain traction. As soon as she will be in a better place and I can get just a bit more of those tiny glimpses of her former happy self, we’ll be on track to create what we referred to as a “power couple”. However, one thing that flew under my radar and finally led to the demise of this premise was an important conclusion drawn after years of being a cog in the corporate machine. Never give 100%, maybe at the beginning, but not even then. Not to talk about 110%, as no person can operate on those levels for months on end, unless driven by amphetamines or coke, but that will take an even higher price in the longer run. If one still decides to go down this path, burnout will be just around the corner. When said burnout meets with someone who needs therapy rather than relationships, shit will go down. Empathy will run out after the same mistake leads to the same crisis for the zillionth time, emotional attachment generates fear in conjunction with each re-occurring crisis and “the you shouldn’t do this, you should do that” tone prevails. The thing is, if I look at my ability to get very cruel, cold and calculating when feeling emotionally cornered as gift or as a curse, it doesn’t matter, it still happens. Detailing to a mother how others managed to solve something with relative ease that she couldn’t or barely could and that she should do this and that, in that situation is a major no-no. I think when it comes about parenting, egos flight higher than Icarus. As one of the cornerstones of empathy is to try to put yourself in the shoes of others, I tired imagining how it could feel like if someone, dunnoh, attacked me because I can’t do maths for shit, or that I have a tendency to abandon my plans. In conclusion, the grey matter sitting inside this skull that is producing these lines might just feel comfortable when it comes to shedding ego. Whit our dynamics auto optimizing themselves to counteract one another in a pretty toxic way, the inevitable happened. We agreed that we can’t understand one another no more, therefore it was time to break up.

In order to minimize the pain a full communication lockdown went in effect to add another twist to the Covid-19 lockdown. This combined with making a few new friends while doubling down on substance abuse spiced with getting into relapse territory with other woman got me ticking along. I think it is pointless to say that this mechanism used for calming emotions wasn’t the best. First, natural coping mechanisms were obliterated even before getting a theoretical shape, not to talk about trying them and maybe getting some experience, second, these coping mechanisms took their own toll on my body and psyche and third, they crumbled in the very moment when my ex reached out to me to normalize our relation as two human beings who happen to know one another. It only took a few hours for the stream of emotions to turn into whirlpool of anger and darkness where my criminal mind flourishes. And boy do I have a criminal mind. When the going gets rough it isn’t like I can’t control myself and start shouting, and throwing things around. No-no, it’s not like that at all, but it is like making plans, evil plans, plans that would make a drug cartel hitman nod in approval. The way these “solutions” from the dark end of the spectrum interact with checks and balances look like: “what I would say of a totally unrelated person who does that” or “what were the consequences if my plans were revealed and such”. This time, all these impulses distilled in ever more frequent and strategic use of creating constructive ambiguity by selectively revealing secrets and manipulation. The cherry on the top was put in place when she reached out to me when she tried to re-establish post breakup communication, consisting in grabbing all sorts of dark echoes that race through my mind, amplifying them and revealing them to her in order to make sure that she’ll be convinced that I’m a horrible, dangerous and aggressive person underneath, therefore she’ll never attempt to communicate with me, ever. It wasn’t nice, at all, but it was violence free apart from me running my mouth and it worked, for a while.

So far so good, the plan worked great. I made friends with new people, both offline and online and I had a few who were interested in me and maybe still are (as you might have noticed so far, can’t really tell). The plan was to get some mileage into the game and get more experience points and to learn, for which diversity is essential. There was a week where I had 4 dates, with 2 happening on the very same day. Result? Let’s not call it a total fucking bummer, but let’s go with a “valuable lesson”, ok? Why? One person stood out and everybody else faded into the shadows of absolute zero interest.

People who intrigue me are the ones that I feel a longing for. These are the people who have my instant and unconditional support as soon as they ask, these are the people I’m paying attention to and these are the people that I use as examples to follow in certain walks of life. So, there was one date who stood out and baaam, just like that, interest for anyone else vanished like lines from a broken phone screen at a rave. This one person turned out to be someone who exploits life just as I do, or even to a greater extent when the conditions are set. She likes adrenaline, playing around with thoughts not being afraid to be cut by some rough edges, going fast, views substances as mere tools, not like something good or bad and last but not least, she is the best looking, besides ticking a few other boxes. Did all the positives yielded a relationship or even a one night stand? Absolutely not. Was this a problem? Maybe from the perspective of my reproductive instincts, but from any other perspectives, it was interesting at worst and beneficiary at best. There are a bunch of people who tell good and bad Tinder date stories, however I haven’t heard a single one up to date that could match the level of renovate a bathroom on a tinder date. The bathroom turned out to be something both of us are showing with pride and I have learned about the ins and outs of tiling. It was also refreshing to see when a relationship between two people is based more in rational thinking than dragged by emotions, as it was the perfect contrast for my ex girlfriend who basically managed to turn a life of success into a quagmire by giving the executive powers to her unhinged emotions.

What have we learned?

When a bunch of things fail to be turned into happy factories, let it be hedonism, creativity, hard work, sport or other kinds of hobbies, all kick in the feeling of “geez, I did that, but the I have to get to the next level to evade boredom and constantly levelling up is hard work” so doing literally anything gets turned into a chore. Shitting and washing ass can feel like a chore, just like hanging out with friends can so one inevitably pulls out the good old question of “is my brain just unable to make the happy stuff and if so, what’s the purpose of living?”. After talking with quite a few people who contemplated suicide, or people who lost a loved one to suicide, one thing was clear from the get go, I will not hang myself. Based on the frequency of suicide by hanging I can only conclude that people either have a huge imbalance between being emotionally driven or just simply being very sick and incapable of any rational thought. Why? Death by suffocation combined with the rupture of the spinal cord sounds like the worst thing ever. On the other hand, driving into a solid concrete wall at any speed near 100 km/h is guaranteed death. Driving into a solid wall at 200 km/h is massive overkill and it could be proven as an accident which could make lives for relatives easier if tricky life insurance policies are in place. Finances aside, there are other policies in place for reasons like seeing the misery of those who get left behind to live and let all the people who I consider idiots to outlive me. Like seriously, if some have been labelled as idiots by some metrics of mine and they outlive me, it means that my metrics and the logic based on those metrics was flawed, proven by my very demise.

So yea, what do you do when relationships don’t work out, you can’t seem to obtain them and self destruction is also off the table? Well, since we’re all caged to some degree due to the pandemic and I already raised my alcohol tolerance to stellar levels, it was the damn time to get myself busy. To really dig into my job and to force myself to do tasks that I have just passed to someone saying I can’t hack it, to start reading stuff, to start learning stuff to start exercising and most important of all, to create routines. Routines are awesome. If nothing makes sense, at least that nothing is done on a regular basis and the very fact that nothing amounts to anything if done on a daily basis is kind of a feet and gives a chance to dopamine production.

I have also learned that having sex after a hiatus of 10 months doesn’t improve things as much as I thought, which is good, because it also means that things do not degrade a lot from prolonged abstinence.

Where to now? I guess I’ll just try focusing on myself rather than trying to please others by forcing myself into the “normie puzzle”. I’ll leave myself open for options, since it would be rather counterproductive to Sméagol hiss away anyone who tries to approach me, but it might happen nonetheless.

And one last bit before I cut this writing short at the 11th or so page... If you’re interested in me, do something. Playing the get hard card just plain simply won’t work. If I don’t get any feedback like in a 50-50 distribution style I’ll feel discouraged and move on. I’m also plain stupid when it comes to decoding slight hints (as I’ve hinted at multiple times in this text). Be blunt about it, otherwise it might go totally unnoticed. Last but not least, if you’re not interested, please don’t fekking smile at me and more importantly don’t touch me. I know, theoretically that people can be nice with one another without wanting more, but it doesn’t work for me. If you do that, I’ll reach out to spend more time together, you’ll gonna reject me and I’m going to throw you on the pile failed attempts that is getting ever more poisonous and has a high chance of totally wrecking my mood by the time someone genuinely interested would come about.

I might also try to get more disciplined since it took me more than five months to throw up these characters. I sincerely hope that I wasted your time in a way that some part of what I wrote resonates with you, maybe helps you or you found it amusing at least. Peace out.

Update: some things have changed since I wrote this piece, I got new pieces of information and the story of my craziest adventure got a healthy boost. However, if I were to re-write and edit this text in accordance to all those things, it is highly possible that it would never come out. As one of my favourite hot rod builder puts it “Lower your expectations until you reach your goals”.

#relationships #depression #learning #development #desperatio #hope #lessons

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bluekitsune · 8 years ago

Text

Late NDRV3 Chapter 6 + Epilogue impressions

HOLY SHIT ITS SPY BOY ITS SPY BOY ITS SPY BOY???? DANGAN RONPA 0 IN MY V3/???????????????????.... No It couldn’t be. He’s long dead. Yuto Kamishiro can’t be this “Makoto”. Is Normal-chan our Spoiler-chan? Hmm. I just have a gut feeling he’s a Despair idk why And if he’s so normal, how was he on Kibougamine? Was it the first or the new school??????? HMMM????????

KIBO NO Don’t........ I don’t want him to die noooo >:C DONT TOUCHY THE ROBOT ....... He might be disconnected from Naegey but he’s still our pinnochio. Kibo wtf plz

Ouma the ultimate fanboy of Movie Vilains. I stg (dem funny glasses omg...... Afro wigs, batcar? He’s a total fanboy) What the fuck is up with the DICE thing?

Oh I knew the Remembering Light was delayed. But what was the point? Hinder them investigating the Mystery of the school? That’s fuckign cheap. Is that the same Makoto from the initial flashback? I’m gonna bet my ass it is.

Is he calling “them” heroes because the Future Foundation members survived a Killing Game, if Tenjou’s game could even be called that? Hmm Did FF fall or not?

OMFG OUMA GRABBED AMAMI’S DOLL........ That’s gay

That horse mask wtf He was a closeted clown all along wow...... Is he a Joker fan? Crimes with laughter and no killing? Color me confused. I guess the Panta should’ve been a massive giveaway. Did he fall into despair after his crew was taken prisioner? I....

Now he’s gonna pull us by the nose again? Wow. OK

“Ro is Twins”? rantaRO? ShiROgane? Is this pointing to the Mastermind again? Like when he said the first one to die is related to the mastermind? Is that why we werent allowed into Amami’s room?

OH MY GOD THAT throwback. The nostalgia bricked me in the face. FUCK.... So it definitely wasn’t Kibougamine that erased their talents. Then, who was it? Was it the “Remnants of Despair” aka the SDR2 crew? Who enabled them to erase their talent and hide from the SHSL Hunt?

CHARGE THE KIBO POWER

Omg Ro is twins...... The Gemini dial! Uma is HORSE????? Horse head?????? How far into this did Ouma know? This started being written in chapter 2 no?

Oh so the weird background was Amami’s room... And he was talking to his future, memoryless self? That’s nuts;; Uhm....... I cannot hold all these wtfs. Did he survive a killing game....... Done with these same students? Done with other students? Because if I was right about them actually being revived and Mastermind redoing it over and over, then he could have survived one of the “previous” “same” Killing Game. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself @_@ Trying to piece all this shit together is always nuts without the final reveal. But if that were the case, wouldn’t he have had another talent, the talent that got him into the SHSL category in the first place?

NO....... How dare you show me everyone being friends? How dare you shove that in my face

Not this twin bullshit again. If you tell me her twin is Monaka i’m gonna murder myself

Catch ALL THE BUGS. It’s kinda cute that Ouma planned something like that, even if he was the cause for Gonta’s death....... I’m guessing there’s some nanomachine that they mistook for bugs

MONOKUMA PLANNED PARENTHOOD omfg. That tacky as fuck room. Of course it has to be a Junko fan. And HO look at the bullshit murder again. Is it just gonna be “Amami was very conveniently killed by the mastermind instead of by Bakamatsu’s trap and she was executed wrongly everyone cries” thing? It’s funny Amami had the cheat map version, kinda like if you start Castlevania with the hidden places.

ANOTHER hidden passage in the bathroom...... I’m not even surprised.

I KNEW IT. There WERE lies in the Remembering Light. The question is how to tell between them. Saihara why u not look through all the directories god dingit U friggin detective bitch

Kibo is so cool :C He’s just so damn Megaman cool. Fuse Megaman and Raiden and you have Kiboo

Ok so..... maybe instead of clones, there’s... the one that has some sort of Time travel would be? The mastermind? Kaede’s twin? Time for some 999 SteinsGate bullshit. But then why would they say they can bring back the dead? How would that even work?

Oh no .... I was just thinking Shirogane had very little spotlight moments and even less character development. Now everything points to the Mastermind being a student

:CCC WELL..... It’d make her switching clothes with Akamatsu even more ironic. Also again it’d be a twin with blonde hair and a twin with blue hair. What IS IT with this combination???

SMH..... The passage in the bathroom completely fucks over Shirogane. Because she’s the only one that was in the girl’s bathroom for a long time. I shouldve known better than to let myself like her......... Nooooooooooo

53 generation bullshit? What the dicks is this? Hmm. V3. 53 huh. They screwed us over a lot

Yeah so if the memories were indeed false now we proceed to question everything. Is this false too, is this false too? For all we know the world could still be fucked but not from asteroids. But what would be the point if they weren’t even from Kibougamine? That would just be lame.

Are they in a simulation again?????? Suddenly Hinata?????? What

Now that’s just shitposting. They’re gonna pull the “it’s fiction” card.

Well. This is extreme shitposting. Are they calling the fanbase sick sadistic fucks? “u guys watching these poor people kill each other” or something?

I cannot hold this level of meta. All these wall breaks

I CANT BREATHE, LOOK AT THE TITLE SHITPOSTING???? It’s exactly like series that go on too long

So is solving that one case what landed Saihara in this? Or are their talents actually fabricated as well? <_> Are the people dead or alive?????? TEll me gonta is alive plz Nope they’re dead. They’re all dead for the sake of Tsumugi’s OCs........... GHHGJHDSGJH

Yep we were played hardcore. All the first appearances were the real appearances.

I really REALLY missed the DR1/2 voices DAMN. Fujisaki :C Ishimaru..... Even Celeste FUCK. Was Sayaka’s voice always this amazing? I love how harsh Peko’s voice is,,,,,, I love the DR2 crew so much....... cries on hands

So many out of character sayings. I’m sure the characters would loathe seeing themselves say some of those things lmao god

I think they got a real point. How you can suffer and be in pain with a “lie”, a fiction, but also how you can feel joy and hope out of the same lie/fiction.The dillema of fiction, of experimenting with taboo topics, in this example the killing, and questioning how much it plays a part into the reality side.

But in this case, it’s going to another level. Like questioning human existence in SOMA. If you take a real human mind and place it in a robotic body, can it still be called a human existence? Can humans scanned and preserved in a “fiction” still be called human?

The ideas are very fucking smart. Kodaka trolled us hard while also questioning the entire fanbase and his series base. And dang, all those inside jokes. They really took a good long look at the fandom and how we think; But it’s still hilarious it’s all orchestrated by a greedy company, ran by a delirious cosplayer fangirl and feeding the masses that want both the negative and the positive points of the plot/characters

Kaito was in it for mundane reasons and ended up with the meaningful “protag” role huh. I wonder what bullshit Korekiyo said to earn himself such a shitty background story. I like his character. Just..... I wish his reasons were not bad writing. Tsumugi u done fucked up

Robot Bondage? I strangely approve of that

Shirogane waving goodbye with mascot,. throwback to Chiaki....... CRIES

:C Well I was right in not expecting Kibo to live. But still he’s the best survey processor ever. My favorite quiz boy. I will pretend you’re alive and well flying up the clouds cuz FUCK IT

In a sense, it’s like they’re blowing up a literal hole into ending the series and opening a path to direct the fans back to reality, or per say, the outside. “Go out there, do the thing, hope out there.”

In a world where your identity and truths and lies are uncertain, you have to pave a way for yourself taking the best out of it all? I’m sure someone will reason this game ending and the analogies way more eloquently, but anyway.

I really enjoyed the story. The extra effort they put on CGs really enrichened everything. I’m not sure how I feel about the big big big plot twist yet. I guess it’s something to slowly digest over time. Can’t say this is my favorite.

Was the time travel thing a misunderstanding by the fans or a prank by Kodaka? I kept expecting it and it was nowhere

I’d say in most to least fav, I’m still with SDR2, DR0, DR1, and last? DRAE. I still don’t know how to feel about Another Episode or the animes TBH

So this was me going through this rollercoaster. If you read this so far, then I hope you laughed at my stupid at least once. I’m gonna go and reblog a fuckton of fanart now. Bye

#drv3 #ndrv3 #ndrv3 spoilers #new danganronpa v3 #kitsune adventures #spoilers yadda etc bladibla

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anactualhyena · 8 years ago

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Answer literally all the OC questions pls

HOO BOY THANK YOU ANON

1. Your first OC ever?

That would be Seren! She started out as my Warriors OC in sixth grade - Dragonclaw, a neon green, red, and orange cat with spike collars and bat wings. I called her the leader of Blood Clan and made her Scourge’s mate and oh lord it was a nightmare. She’s gone through a lot of redesigning through the years and now she has a feral cat form and a human form? As a cat she’s like a partially albino Norwegian forest cat with moss growing on her back and bits of fur matted with blood and an old torn dog collar she probably found on the streets and thought looked cool. As a human, she’s a muscular tribal woman bearing a large spear of sorts and clothing made from torn fabric and a tiger pelt. I like her human rendition a lot better tbh.

 2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

Answered!

 3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

I have! One of my old cat characters, Mandy, was a black cat with rainbow accents that I adopted years ago on DeviantART for like 5 points. Then my friend gave me her old Hetalia OC…I believe it was D.C.? As in Washington D.C.? But I don’t use my Hetalia characters anymore now that I left the fandom.

 4. A character you rarely talk about?

That would definitely be Flint. Flint is a steampunk pirate character made for a Dungeons and Dragons campaign I had with a couple buddies last year. I’ve hardly talked about him at all but I love him too.

 5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

Iagan!!! Iagan is my little ball of fluff and happiness that would love to brighten anyone’s day. Plus I’m pretty sure he’s the most likely of all my OCs to become popular if any of them did.

 6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

YES. Flint and Feuhorbe (as a human) look a lot alike because Flint’s design was based off of Feuhorbe’s. The difference between them is that Flint is thicker than Feuhorbe and their hair, eye, and skin colors are different. That and Flint has scars and is more Spanish-based whereas Feuhorbe has vitiligo and is Brazilian.

 7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

Well…Iagan is (and I cringe when I say this) an Undertale OC, and Rev is a part of a story/universe that Griffin created. Carlisle and Vincent used to follow this sort of post-apocalyptic storyline I had going for an RPG my buddy Roman was making, but the idea got scrapped and I kept the characters, so now they aren’t exactly a part of anything. And then…there’s my old Hetalia OCs…Riccione (originally Sparta), Toronto, and D.C.

 8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here!

I don’t actually RP as my characters anymore, but I used to RP with Riccione all the time in middle school. She’s a chubby professional dancer who runs a night club in Italy and maybe plays the violin? I can hardly remember.

 9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

I mean, their old designs? Absolutely. I’m slowly selling those on my DeviantART - mostly ones I don’t use anymore, like Warriors cats and my old fursona and a few others.

 10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

FEUHORBE MY LORD. He’s actually not that complicated, but his vitiligo can be difficult to draw and as a furry, he’s a horse piñata whose colors follow a specific pattern based on an actual piñata I stole from one of my friends in the dorm room across from mine after their birthday. But there’s also Zane, a genderless dog dragon demon thing that someone gifted me as an avatar on the website Whirled, who I turned into my own character. I’m not sure if they were originally someone else’s OC that was given away or what, but I can’t find any other pictures of them or their species anywhere, so I’m keeping them as my own until further notice. Their design features horns and blue to black gradients and wings with holes in them and various scars.

 11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a “sunshine”?

IAGAN!!! I can’t explain it enough, he’s literally a ray of sunshine.

 12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot.

Oh man…there are these animators on youtube who I watch all the time and I’m in love with their characters/fursonas. There’s Mystery, who belongs to Sleepykinq, Puppers(?), who belongs to kittydog, and Yagi, who belongs to Scotch.

 13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

Sonni is my little troublemaker. He’s a jokester and also a Dungeons and Dragons character, and his only purpose is to mess with my buddy’s characters and mess up their quests.

 14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

Carlisle had his arm blown off in an explosion, which also claimed his vision, but Vincent was able to build him a robotic prosthetic arm and these special goggles with LEDs that allow him to see again. That’s as tragic as it gets, really.

 15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

I do! But I rather people ask me about my characters because if people don’t show initial interest, I just think I’m annoying them. A lot of times, that’s how I further develop or redesign my characters.

 16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

That would have to be…Seren and Roc, honestly. Because they are “”“warriors,”“” they know things like how the body reacts to certain toxins and which vital organ, if impaled, causes the most suffering before death. But that’s more like anatomy.

 17. Any OC OTPs?

Answered!

 18. Any OC crackships?

I high key ship Iagan with Scotch’s character Yagi? I have no real reasoning behind it. But that’s about it.

 19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

Geez…that’s kinda hard to pick. I’d probably have to say Donovan, because I’ve projected a lot of my own traits and issues onto him (being a trans guy, having depression, letting him to do all kinds of things I wanted to do but couldn’t, etc.) and he helped me cope with a lot of shit until I just relied on my persona and let Donny have his own life.

 20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

Axwell actually was a choir kid growing up and can sing pretty dang well. My headcanon for his voice would be some sort of mix between Brendon Urie and David Bowie’s voices? His taste in music actually heavily varies and he doesn’t have a set favorite genre or anything - just anything with vocals. Feuhorbe love to hear him sing.

Iagan can kinda sing as well? He’s partially based off of a Samoyed, which are known as singing dogs, but it’s not one of his prominent talents. Although he can freely manipulate the sound of his voice as he pleases, his standard voice is that of JonTron’s. He’ll sing and listen to everything upbeat and cheerful.

 21. Your most artistic OC

That would be Piper. Piper is a male Lolita, a ferret, sounds like cr1tikal, and is about four feet and ten inches tall. He does a lot of art, mostly of Lolita fashion and mainly uses watercolor paint.

 22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

No one mischaracterizes my OCs because they aren’t popular enough for other people to even notice.

 23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

Since I already talked about Seren, I’ll talk about Carlisle. He started out as my original fursona, which was a generic twinky fox with long ears and black circles around his eyes and a MLP jacket. Then he was a feral fox that became my mascot? Now he’s my bara babe (other than Vincent) and had his metal arm and LED goggles And a way better color scheme.

 24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

I would absolutely love to meet either Iagan or Feuhorbe because I know I would have a really great time with either of them???? Hanging out with either of them would literally make me 10 times happier.

 25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

That would have to be Donovan. He’s only two inches shorter than me (not counting his ears), about 10 pounds heavier than me, huge into music, and a trans guy.

 26. Have you ever had to change your OC’s design or something else about them against your will?

Nope. I made all changes to my characters freely.

 27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

No, but I do like to think of what my characters’ theme songs would be. I’m still making that list.

 28. Your most dangerous OC?

Answered!

 29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they’re going?

That would probably be Feuhorbe and Sonni. In it for the adventure but will not tell anyone specifically to potentially cause trouble.

 30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection?

I would say Iagan, but it wouldn’t be a secret. So I’d have to say either Skyler (a dragon character of mine) or Carlisle.

 31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

Piper would try to run a pastel aesthetic blog but it’d be riddled with too many memes and shitposts and videos of him just saying and doing stupid shit.

 32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

Alcatraz. He’s a lawyer but has a huge secret passion for ghosts and ghost hunting and all things paranormal, so he’d fit right into a game revolving around those things.

 33. Your shyest OC?

Lukas! Lukas is a small quetzal that’s big into Harajuku fashion and he is the shyest little guy alive. But he’d probably get along well with Piper.

 34. Do you have any twin characters?

Nope.

 35. Any sibling characters?

Yes!!! Donovan, Carlisle, and Alcatraz are my three fox brothers. Donny is the youngest and Alcatraz is the oldest.

 36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)?

Yes! But they’re only with my boyfriend because I haven’t found anyone else who wants to ship their characters with mine.

 37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human

I mean,,,the only set human characters I have are Flint and Axwell and my Hetalia characters, unless you count the human designs for my furry and feral characters. None of them are really a mix and could be considered not quite human except for Sonni, who is the most humanlike out of my non human OCs. He’s very lanky and appears malnourished and has three eyes and is covered in short, dark hair/fur. He has a short stubby tail and tall “ears” and has six arachnid-like appendages protruding from his back that he can crawl on.

 38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer?

That would be Riccione and Donovan, who are actually dancers! Riccione is a professional dancer, whereas Donovan shuffles and such as a hobby.

 39. Introduce any character you want

Bow Echo is a griffin that’s a mix between a bobcat and a peregrine falcon. She can fly super fast and I need to develop her more.

 40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share! 41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

A few people have! They’re on my ArtFight profile under Defenses!

http://artfight.net/~CyberFoxFire 

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods?

That would be Rev. The universe he’s from revolves around many entities similar to those found in Greek and Roman mythology, with him being basically the embodiment of the Ragnarök.

 43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It’s time to confess

Ok…I love making them around six feet tall or taller and giving them facial hair and choppy short hair that can be pulled back in low ponytails. But I’m trying to stop that and make them more diverse.

 44. Something you like about your OCs in general

They all represent different aspects of my personality and I make really deep connections with them because of that.

 45. A character you no longer use?

Jacobi. He’s just some Scottish guy that wears flannels. I’m selling him on DeviantART eventually.

 46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

Nah. It’s mostly anons that tell me things about my OCs, like how they look like internet cancer. Not that I mind, I mean, come on. They all look like hell lmao

 47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child?

I think? When I first joined the Osomatsu-San Network, one of the first things I did was talk about my OCs with some other the other members. One might’ve claimed Iagan or someone else, I can’t really remember.

 48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

IAGAN!!!! And also Lukas!!

 49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

That would be Piper, Sonni, Donovan, Feuhorbe, and Iagan.

 50. Give me the good ol’ OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

Uh…I think I’ve talked about literally everything I can think of off the top of my head. Feel free to message me though if you want to talk about OCs!

#cybernetic rambling #ky's ocs #griff's ocs #long post sorry #yetanotherocmeme

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