#get me a time machine just so i can buy cool fan creations

[moondyad]

every time i come across fandom merch and find out i'm years too late to buy it, a piece of me dies

[rodeoxqueen]

Hi hi!! I was wondering if you could do hcs of DMC boys spending times with their kids at the amusement park and at the end they take pictures with each other thank you so muc ^^

Howdy Howdy,

Of course I can, gorgeous. 

Enjoy,

Rodeo. 

Dante 

“Kids! Wake up, wake up, we’re going to the amusement park!” He screams as he kicks the door down. The kids aren’t expecting it but they were overjoyed regardless. 

Just as excited as his kids to go to amusement parks. He drives them the whole way over talking about which rides they should go on. They miss their turns several times. 

Daddy Dante got the full dad in amusement park attire. Hawaiian shirt, board shorts, and flamingo socks with sandals. 

It helps to be super strong, he holds all their stuff. 

He races the kids to the lines. He basically lets them do what they want but he wants to go on the scary rides. Good thing it’s not their turn with the Sparda brain cell, they fear nothing. 

“Wow, they say this ride is not suitable for sick people, pregnant women, old people, and people with common sense and self-respect. Well kids, it’s good that’s not any of us.” 

“Dad, you’re pretty old.” 

“Do you want to ride this death trap or not?” 

“Nevermind, you don’t look a day over twenty, dad.” 

“That’s what I thought.” 

He wins them all the prizes. One of his kids runs around with the largest unicorn known to man while the vendor tells Dante that no, he cannot use Ebony and Ivory to win anymore stuffed animals. 

“It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die!!” 

“Kiddo, can that wait? We still have several rides to go on.” 

Dante even has the dinky cameras with the photos you get developed at the print store. All of them are blurred or one of the kids makes a weird face in it. He wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You know those punching bags they have that measure your strength? Well, Dante is super cocky stepping up to punch the daylights out of it. 

The goofy dad misses, his fist going straight through the machine and lifting it out of the cement. His kids cheer as he realizes what he’s done. 

“Did I win?” 

“Sir, you need to pay for that.” 

“Kids, book it and scatter! They can’t catch all of us.” 

They are banned from that park. No regrets. 

They go home, sunburnt, faces sticky with candy and all sorts of fried foods, and arms fulls of prizes. They don’t even make it to their rooms before they all pass out in the living room. 

Dante buys so many pictures they took from the rides. They join the rest of his wallet photos. 

Lady and Trish are mad he spent so much on one excursion, but seeing how happy he was with his kids, they don’t say anything. 

Vergil 

It isn’t until his kids plead and whine to him for weeks that he will open a portal to this “amusement park.” 

“But Father, all the other kids get to go!” 

“It is a frivolous waste of time.” 

“Uncle Dante is so cool, our cousins got to go-” 

“Where is it.” 

He’ll be damned before his brother is considered “cooler” to his own children.

He’s the dad that doesn’t want to be there but relented for his kids. Another unamused dad stands next to him as they watch their kids go feral. 

“You too, huh?” 

“Don’t talk to me.” 

He stands next to them in the long lines to ensure their safety. He glares at anyone who tries to cut in line. 

“Cut in line in front of my children again. Try it. I will cut you.” 

His kids get first in line since no one wants to stand behind Vergil. When the ride takes their photos, employees are shocked to see he is stone-faced the whole ride. 

“Hell had better drops than this.” 

His kids win prizes by themselves, Vergil once again relenting and handing them bills. 

They run over to him with their own prizes and he pats them on the head. 

“I expected nothing less.” 

Vergil does not want his kids to get sick from all the sweets they wish to consume. He lets them choose a few things and then he cuts them off. 

He sits down in the shade as his kids continue to play and run around. 

It isn’t until they point to the strength tester that Vergil gets up again. He knows it’s rigged. He initially refuses, but when someone calls him a wuss he removes his jacket and snatches the hammer from the vendor. 

Vergil hits the scale so hard that the puck flies straight off the scale and enters the stratosphere. 

“Are we done now?” 

He is handed an armful of tickets. His kids praise their father while he smugly smirks at the people who taunted him. 

“Foolish.” 

The pictures booth is thoroughly stuffed with all of his kids and their toys and stuffed animals. He is literally shoved into the background, all the weight on his lap as he tries not to asphyxiate. When the photos come out, you can only see the top part of his face. 

They all go home, thoroughly entertained. Vergil acts like he doesn’t care and that the trip was mundane. But only he knows, he was smiling in all of the booth photos. Good thing he’ll take that to the grave. 

V

His children see the posters around town for the amusement parks when he takes them out on afternoon strolls to the park. He’s an observant father, who notices how his kin gathers around the idea of this “amusement park.” 

“Dad, can we please go?” They shyly ask. 

“But of course.” He says. 

He is not prepared for the chaotic nature of these crowded social events. It’s hot, he’s sweating, everything is so expensive, it’s loud……

Since he is unnaturally pale, he always applies sunscreen. His kids are also slathered in it before they go running about. 

Bless him. He tries so hard to keep up in the sweltering heat. His kids notice he’s lagging behind so they decide to stay in one place so he can sit and observe. 

At least the burgers and fries are good here. His kids run about, asking him to try what deep-fried and sugary creations they have found. He’s very fond of cotton candy and how it disappears on his tongue. 

Shadow tries to eat garbage and Griffon is heckling the street performers. 

V’s children beg him to come with them and practically drag him to the rides. He pales at the screams of other people. 

He relents and he goes on the rides. His kids feel awful after he throws up after the third repeat of the most infamous attraction. 

They leave him alone after that, letting him recover at a table. His familiars follow his children around to make sure nothing bad happens.

It’s not his scene, however….

He’s the new champ of guessing how many things are in a jar. He rests his head on his cane as he observes each marble, each little figurine before he guesses an incredibly close number. 

His children are shocked to come back to him and find the piles of tickets he’s won. 

His kids get themselves giant chicken and cat plushies. 

“Hey, V! Not funny!” Griffon declares in indignance at the chicken plushies his master’s children run about with. Shadow is quite a fan, keeping one in her mouth. 

Finally, it has gotten late and they all decide to take pictures. You know damn well that Griffon and Shadow wish to partake in this. 

V keeps the photos tucked in his book. 

Despite the literal spiraling rollercoaster that is amusement parks, he would do it all over again to see his children so overjoyed. 

[radramblog]

A handful of hot cardboard takes

So due to having assignment work to do and a relatively busy day tomorrow, I’m going to be writing both today and tomorrow’s blog articles tonight. Unnnnfortunately, it’s approaching 11PM, and I haven’t even figured out what I’m writing this one about- it has to be relatively short, since I don’t have that much time, and I want the tomorrow one to be an album, and that always takes time, and ehhhh…

I guess it’s been a hot second (read: a week exactly) since I talked about Magic, so that’ll do. But what specifically?

I mean, I guess there’s these new spoilers to go on about. I guess I’m hotting some takes.

First of all, we have the D&D set, Adventures in the Forgotten Realms. I feel like this set’s creation was inevitable. WoTC has had D&D and Magic for decades now, and the only crossover we got was the Un-Card Sword of Dungeons and Dragons? And yet fucking Walking Dead got a whole-ass secret lair? Yeah no way this wasn’t happening. So far we only have 5 cards, so one by one I suppose.

Tiamat was obviously going to be a thing, but she feels exceptionally underwhelming. Admittedly, cramming her massive list of abilities and flavour into one 2.5 by 3.5 inch card was going to be difficult, but this is just meh. She finds five dragons, whoop de fucking do. This is never going to see any play outside of Commander, and I can’t imagine picking her to lead your 5-colour Dragons deck above The Ur-Dragon, it’s Scion, or even Morophon. And, I’m all for underrated jank commanders, but I also don’t like tutors, and if you’ve ever resolved Conflux (which this kinda feels like) you know it can be a huge pain. A solid Meh/10. I do like that they didn’t give her an epithet, though.

The Vorpal Sword is actually pretty sick. Not only is it a cheap coloured equipment that slots great into Black/X Voltron Commander lists, not only is it an alternative wincon that isn’t complete shit but also requires going all in and is very interactable, but I actually think this has a slot in cubes interested in Black Aggro, Black Artifacts, or both. The arts for this card look sick aas hell, and I’m extremely interested in seeing in snicker-snack someone to death.

I was wondering whether or not Halfling was going to be a creature type, and that question got answered fairly quick. Citizen on the typeline is interesting considering it’s only been seen on 4 token producers so far (and also Mobilized District becomes one), and the recent Edgewall Innkeeper being a peasant. I guess this guy is too prosperous for the peasantry.

Oh, the card itself? Well, I was never a fan of Wily Goblin, but I don’t really think that’s why we’re here. This charming fellow is a second Green Soul Sister, supporting the Witherbloom lifegain archetype from Strixhaven, and it’s nice to see colours other than White (and occasionally, Black) get to do life things. It’s always been secondary (tertiary? They don’t get lifelink) in green, or only on shite cards, so it getting pushed is an interesting twist.

It is an utter tragedy that you can put a Bag of Holding in a Portable Hole in Magic now, and it doesn’t even do anything. I get the feeling this is going to be either everywhere or nowhere, though I’m leaning towards the latter. Any permanent type is really nice, but 2 or less is restrictive enough that this misses way more often than you’d like. But, if it ends up being good, you’re going to see a lot of Portable Holes exiling Portable Holes, and that’s just kinda funny.

Isn’t there supposed to be a colon in there? This is just a more splashable, flavour-twisted variant of Victim of Night- though that card ends up being one of the best Terrors Mono-Black gets to run, out of a long long list. This, unfortunately, is a bit worse than that is in competitive formats, and considerably worse in EDH where giant Angels, Demons, and Dragons are often the targets you want to tell to die. I’m just going to stick with Doom Blade. And Go for the Throat. And Snuff Out and Hero’s Downfall and Victim of Night and Heartless Act and

So, I actually really like these basics, but specifically for this set. Box text is an essential part of D&D, and putting it on the basics is just a lovely bit of flavour. I don’t know if they’ve said whether every basic variant is going to have this, but I kinda hope they do. The art for these is top fucking notch, too. I’m not convinced this should be a permanent thing though.

 But of course, that’s not the only set we have spoilers for, because Magic Spoiler Season is a sine wave of hype now and it will never end. Modern Horizons 2: because the first one didn’t fuck enough formats up. That’s not very fair, that set was cool as fuck, but in my eyes that’s for the kookier designs rather than the bonkers powerful shit. More Throes of Chaos, less Hogaak. Anyway, we’ve got 3 new cards and some reprints, so let’s get into them.

I’m really not sure how to feel about this art, but hey, that’s just my opinion. Brainstone is a solid role-player in all sorts of artifacty, eggsy decks, probably the best Egg we’ve seen in a while. It’s going right in my Radha deck, I’ll tell you that much. Considering how expensive the worst card ever made, Sensei’s Divining Top, is getting, having a colourless topdeck manipulation option that’s likely not too spenno is nice, even if it’s a oneshot. I like it.

Oh, haha, it’s Lion’s Eye Diamond but they drew the rest of the fucking Lion. While this looks absolutely gorgeous, it doesn’t go into Cat tribal, and I’m not that much of a degenerate, so meh. For real though, this doesn’t actually look broken to me- LED is powerful because it’s a lotus, whereas this takes that and makes it a slow, multi-turn Pyretic Ritual. I also don’t think having an LED effect in Modern does much for the format, so. Eh?

Ok, here’s the one everyone’s talking about. Urza’s Saga is such a slam-dunk on a meta level. It’s a card named after a set, a fun reversal of Time Spiral block all being named after cards, and considering Modern Horizons was basically Time Spiral 2 I wouldn’t be surprised if MH2 was TSP3. It’s also an Enchantment Land but doesn’t look like it, referencing the fact that Urza’s block was actually Enchantment Matters but no-one remembers that because basically none of those cards were the good ones. This card is blatantly powerful, and I wouldn’t be shocked to see it pop up in a loooot of decks in various formats. In commander, this is a land for 3 turns that then turns into a Sol Ring, while also maybe making you a token or two and maybe even finding a weird hate piece or combo machine (…or Top) instead. In Modern or Legacy, it tutors for all sorts of nonsense, while making potential threats for artifact decks in the land slots. This card, while slow, has potential to be patently absurd, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was banned in at least one format by the end of the year. We’ll see which ones.

Counterspell in modern is something a very specific group of people were counting for. Personally, it’s not the vintage spell I would have been hyped for, I was wanting Swords, but here we are. I almost feel, however, that Counterspell’s potential in Modern has been wasted at this point. Like, how many decks are even running Mana Leak these days? And how many of those decks want to be holding up UU on turn 2? Because in a fast format like this, Mana Leak might as well be Counterspell most of the time. The new art is baller, ill give it that.

I…don’t know enough about how this card is in Legacy Death and Taxes to know how well it would be in Modern Death and Taxes. It seems pretty good? I like that they’re doing old-border reprints again, though, that was like the only good thing behind Time Spiral Remastered.

Fucking Finally. With that said, I’m not convinced that finally reprinting these fetches is going to keep the price down much, and for long- the Horizon lands from MH1 see a fair bit less play, and they are creeping up to $20 a pop for some of them at this point. I guess if you need them, buy them now, because they aren’t going to stay low. It’s going to take more than a single reprint in a premium product before I’m satisfied in the reprint quality.

 Anyway, that’s the lot of them. My takes on these cards was probably a bit chiller than what you’d see from someone who’s actually in the know of competitive formats these days, but if you came here for serious analysis, then I’m not sure what to tell you. More well-thought-out Magic talk, uhh, next time I talk about Magic.

[solonglivesthis]

The Treasures of the Gods

This beautiful Fan Art made by Mizzcoffeebot represents one of my favorite stories in the Norse mythology: The story of how Loki got Thor his hammer Mjöllnir (among other treasures like Odin’s spear Gungnir) after having cut Sif’s hair.

And how he got repaid by having his lips sewn afterwards... This story has been told in many ways, but my favorite version is the one Neil Gaiman offered us: (I can not recommand you enough to buy the book, it is pure GOLD) (Text By Neil Gaiman) Here you go or the magnificent story of: The Treasures of the Gods

                                                            I

Thor’s wife was the beautiful Sif. She was of the Aesir. Thor loved her for herself, and for her blue eyes and her pale skin, her red lips and her smile, and he loved her long, long hair, the color of a field of barley at the end of summer. Thor woke, and stared at sleeping Sif. He scratched his beard. Then he tapped his wife with a huge hand. “What happened to you?” he asked.  She opened her eyes, the color of the summer sky. “What are you talking about?” she asked, and then she moved her head and looked puzzled. Her fingers reached up to her bare pink scalp and touched it, exploring it tentatively. She looked at Thor, horrified. “My hair,” was all she said. Thor nodded. “It’s gone,” he said. “He has left you bald.” “He?” asked Sif. Thor said nothing. He strapped on his belt of power, Megingjord, which doubled his enormous strength. “Loki,” he said. “Loki has done this.” “Why do you say that?” said Sif, touching her bald head frantically, as if the fluttering touch of her fingers would make her hair return. “Because,” said Thor, “when something goes wrong, the first thing I always think is, it is Loki’s fault. It saves a lot of time.” 

Thor found Loki’s door locked, so he pushed through it, leaving it in pieces. He picked Loki up and said only, “Why?” 

“Why what?” Loki’s face was the picture of perfect innocence. “Sif’s hair. My wife’s golden hair. It was so beautiful. Why did you cut it off?”    A hundred expressions chased each other across Loki’s face: cunning and shiftiness, truculence and confusion. Thor shook Loki hard. Loki looked down and did his best to appear ashamed. “It was funny. I was drunk.” Thor’s brow lowered. “Sif’s hair was her glory. People will think that her head was shaved for punishment. That she did something she should not have done, did it with someone she should not have.” “Well, yes. There is that,” said Loki. “They will probably think that. And unfortunately, given that I took her hair from the roots, she will go through the rest of her life completely bald . . .” “No, she won’t.” Thor looked up at Loki, whom he was now holding far above his head, with a face like thunder. “I am afraid she will. But there are always hats and scarves . . .” “She won’t go through life bald,” said Thor. “Because, Loki Laufey’s son, if you do not put her hair back right now, I am going to break every single bone in your body. Each and every one of them. And if her hair does not grow properly, I will come back and break every bone in your body again. And again. If I do it every day, I’ll soon get really good at it,” he carried on, sounding slightly more cheerful. “No!” said Loki. “I can’t put her hair back. It doesn’t work like that.” “Today,” mused Thor, “it will probably take me about an hour to break every bone in your body. But I bet that with practice I could get it down to about fifteen minutes. It will be interesting to find out.” He started to break his first bone. “Dwarfs!” shrieked Loki.    “Pardon?” “Dwarfs! They can make anything. They could make golden hair for Sif, hair that would bond with her scalp and grow normally, perfect golden hair. They could do it. I swear they could.” “Then,” said Thor, “you had better go and talk to them.” And he dropped Loki from high above his head onto the floor. Loki clambered to his feet and hurried away before Thor could break any more bones. He put on his shoes that let him travel through the sky, and he went to Svartalfheim, where the dwarfs have their workshops. The most ingenious craftsmen of them all, he decided, were the three dwarfs known as the sons of Ivaldi. Loki went to their underground forge. “Hello, sons of Ivaldi. I have asked around, and people here tell me that Brokk and Eitri, his brother, are the greatest dwarf craftsmen there are or have ever been,” said Loki. “No,” said one of the sons of Ivaldi. “It’s us. We are the greatest craftsmen there are.” “I am assured that Brokk and Eitri can make treasures as good as those you can.” “Lies!” said the tallest of the sons of Ivaldi. “I wouldn’t trust those fumble-fingered incompetents to shoe a horse.” The smallest and the wisest of the sons of Ivaldi simply shrugged. “Whatever they make, we could do better.” “I hear that they’ve challenged you,” said Loki. “Three treasures. The gods of the Aesir will judge who made the best treasure. Oh, and by the way, one of the treasures you make needs to be hair. Ever-growing perfect golden hair.” “We can do that,” said one of the sons of Ivaldi. Even Loki could barely tell them apart. Loki went across the mountain to see the dwarf called Brokk, at the workshop he shared with his brother, Eitri. “Ivaldi’s sons are making three treasures as gifts for the gods of Asgard,” said Loki. “The gods are going to judge the treasures. Ivaldi’s sons want me to tell you that they are certain you and your brother Eitri can’t make anything as good as they can. They called you ‘fumble-fingered incompetents.’” Brokk was no fool. “This smells extremely fishy to me, Loki,” he said. “Are you sure this isn’t your doing? Stirring up trouble between Eitri and me and Ivaldi’s boys seems like the sort of thing you’d do.” Loki looked as guileless as he could, which was amazingly guileless. “Nothing to do with me,” he said innocently. “I just thought you ought to know.” “And you have no personal stake in this?” asked Brokk. “None whatsoever.” Brokk nodded and looked up at Loki. Brokk’s brother, Eitri, was the great craftsman, but Brokk was the smarter of the two, and the more determined. “Well, then we’ll be happy to take on the sons of Ivaldi in a test of skill, to be judged by the gods. Because I have no doubt that Eitri can forge better and craftier things than Ivaldi’s lot. But let’s make this personal, Loki. Eh?” “What do you have in mind?” asked Loki. “Your head,” said Brokk. “If we win this contest, we get your head, Loki. There’s lots of things going on in that head of yours, and I have no doubt that Eitri could make a wonderful device out of it. A thinking machine, perhaps. Or an inkwell.” Loki kept smiling, but he scowled on the inside. The day had started out so well. Still, he simply had to ensure that Eitri and Brokk lost the contest; the gods would still get six wonderful things from the dwarfs, and Sif would get her golden hair. He could do that. He was Loki. “Of course,” he said. “My head. No problem.” Across the mountain, the sons of Ivaldi were making their treasures. Loki was not worried about them. But he needed to make sure that Brokk and Eitri did not, could not possibly, win. Brokk and Eitri entered the forge. It was dark in there, lit by the orange glow of burning charcoal. Eitri took a pigskin from a shelf and placed it into the forge. “I’ve been keeping this pigskin for something like this,” he said. Brokk just nodded. “Right,” said Eitri. “You work the bellows, Brokk. Just keep pumping them. I need this hot, and I need it consistently hot, otherwise it won’t work. Pump. Pump.” Brokk began to pump the bellows, sending a stream of oxygen-rich air into the heart of the forge, heating everything up. He had done it many times before. Eitri watched until he was satisfied that it would all be to his liking. Eitri left to work on his creation outside the forge. As he opened the door to go out, a large black insect flew in. It was not a horsefly and it was not a deerfly; it was bigger than either. It flew in and circled the room in a malicious way. Brokk could hear the sound of Eitri’s hammers outside the forge, and the sounds of filing and twisting, of shaping and banging. The large black fly—it was the biggest, blackest fly you have ever seen— landed on the back of Brokk’s hand. Both of Brokk’s hands were on the bellows. He did not stop pumping to swat at the fly. The fly bit Brokk, hard, on the back of the hand. Brokk kept pumping. The door opened, and Eitri came in and carefully pulled the work from the forge. It appeared to be a huge boar, with bristles of gleaming gold. “Good work,” said Eitri. “A fraction of a degree warmer or cooler and the whole thing would have been a waste of our time.” “Good work you too,” said Brokk. The black fly, up on the corner of the ceiling, seethed with resentment and irritation. Eitri took a block of gold and placed it on the forge. “Right,” he said. “This next one will impress them. When I call, start pumping the bellows, and whatever happens do not slow down, or speed up, or stop. There’s fiddly work involved.” “Got it,” said Brokk. Eitri left the room and began to work. Brokk waited until he heard Eitri’s call, and he started to pump the bellows. The black fly circled the room thoughtfully, then landed on Brokk’s neck. The insect stepped aside daintily to avoid a rivulet of sweat, for the air was hot and close in the forge. It bit Brokk’s neck as hard as it could. Scarlet blood joined the sweat on Brokk’s neck, but the dwarf did not stop pumping. Eitri returned. He removed a white-hot arm-ring from the forge. He dropped it into the stone cooling pool in the forge to quench it. There was a cloud of steam as the arm-ring fell into the water. The ring cooled, moving rapidly to orange, to red hot, and then, as it cooled, to gold. “It’s called Draupnir,” said Eitri. “The dripper? That’s a funny name for a ring,” said Brokk. “Not for this one,” said Eitri, and he explained to Brokk what was so very special about the arm-ring. “Now,” said Eitri, “there’s something I’ve had in mind to make for a very long time now. My masterwork. But it’s even trickier than the other two. So what you have to do is—” “Pump, and don’t stop pumping?” said Brokk. “That’s right,” said Eitri. “Even more than before. Do not change your pace, or the whole thing will be ruined.” Eitri picked up an ingot of pig iron, bigger than any ingot that the black fly (who was Loki) had ever seen before, and he hefted it into the forge. He left the room and called out to Brokk to begin pumping. Brokk began to pump, and the sound of Eitri’s hammers began as Eitri pulled and shaped and welded and joined. Loki, in fly shape, decided that there was no more time for subtlety. Eitri’s masterpiece would be something that would impress the gods, and if the gods were impressed enough, then he would lose his head. Loki landed between Brokk’s eyes and started to bite the dwarf’s eyelids. The dwarf continued to pump, his eyes stinging. Loki bit deeper, harder, more desperately. Now blood ran from the dwarf’s eyelids, into his eyes and down his face, blinding him. Brokk squinted and shook his head, trying to dislodge the fly. He jerked his head from side to side. He contorted his mouth and tried blowing air up at the fly. It was no good. The fly continued to bite, and the dwarf could see nothing but blood. A sharp pain filled his head. Brokk counted, and at the bottom of the downstroke he whipped one hand from the bellows and swiped at the fly, with such speed and such strength that Loki barely escaped with his life. Brokk grabbed the bellows once again and continued to pump. “Enough!” called Eitri. The black fly flew unsteadily about the room. Eitri opened the door, allowing the fly to escape. Eitri looked at his brother with disappointment. Brokk’s face was a mess of blood and sweat. “I don’t know what you were playing at that time,” said Eitri. “But you came close to ruining everything. The temperature was all over the place at the end. As it is, it’s nowhere near as impressive as I’d hoped. We’ll just have to see.” Loki, in Loki shape, strolled in through the open door. “So, all ready for the contest?” he asked. “Brokk can go to Asgard and present my gifts to the gods and cut off your head,” said Eitri. “I like it best here at my forge, making things.” Brokk stared at Loki through swollen eyelids. “I’m looking forward to cutting off your head,” said Brokk. “It got personal.”

                                                            II

In Asgard, three gods sat on their thrones: one-eyed Odin the all-father, redbearded Thor of the thunders, and handsome Frey of the summer’s harvest. They would be the judges. Loki stood before them, beside the three almost identical sons of Ivaldi.  Brokk, black-bearded and brooding, was there alone, standing to one side, the things he had brought hidden beneath sheets. “So,” said Odin. “What are we judging?” “Treasures,” said Loki. “The sons of Ivaldi have made gifts for you, great Odin, and for Thor, and for Frey, and so have Eitri and Brokk. It is up to you to decide which of the six things is the finest treasure. I myself will show you the gifts made by the sons of Ivaldi.” He presented Odin with the spear called Gungnir. It was a beautiful spear, carved with intricate runes. “It will penetrate anything, and when you throw it, it will always find its mark,” said Loki. Odin had but one eye, after all, and sometimes his aim could be less than perfect. “And, just as important, an oath taken on this spear is unbreakable.” Odin hefted the spear. “It is very fine,” was all he said. “And here,” said Loki proudly, “is a flowing head of golden hair. Made of real gold. It will attach itself to the head of the person who needs it and grow and behave in every way as if it were real hair. A hundred thousand strands of gold.” “I will test it,” said Thor. “Sif, come here.” Sif rose and came to the front, her head covered. She removed her headscarf. The gods gasped when they saw Sif’s naked head, bald and pink, and then she carefully placed the dwarfs’ golden wig on her head and shook her hair. They watched as the base of the wig joined itself to her scalp, and then Sif stood in front of them even more radiant and beautiful than before. “Impressive,” said Thor. “Good job!” Sif tossed her golden hair and walked out of the hall into the sunlight, to show her new hair to her friends. The last of the sons of Ivaldi’s remarkable gifts was small, and folded like cloth. This cloth Loki placed in front of Frey. “What is it? It looks like a silk scarf,” said Frey, unimpressed. “It does,” said Loki. “But if you unfold it, you will discover it is a ship, called Skidbladnir. It will always have a fair wind, wherever it goes. And although it is huge, the biggest ship you can imagine, it will fold up, as you see, like a cloth, so you can put it into your pouch.” Frey was impressed, and Loki was relieved. They were three excellent gifts. Now it was Brokk’s turn. His eyelids were red and swollen, and there was a huge insect bite on the side of his neck. Loki thought Brokk looked entirely too cocky, especially given the remarkable things Ivaldi’s sons had made. Brokk took the golden arm-ring and placed it in front of Odin on his high throne. “This arm-ring is called Draupnir,” said Brokk. “Because every ninth night, eight gold arm-rings of equal beauty will drip from it. You can reward people with them, or store them, and your wealth will increase.” Odin examined the arm-ring, then pushed it onto his arm, up high on his biceps. It gleamed there. “It is very fine,” he said. Loki recalled that Odin had said the same thing about the spear. Brokk walked over to Frey. He raised a cloth and revealed a huge boar with bristles made of gold. “This is a boar my brother made for you, to pull your chariot,” said Brokk. “It will race across the sky and over the sea, faster than the fastest horse. There will never be a night so dark that its golden bristles will not give light and let you see what you are doing. It will never tire, and will never fail you. It is called Gullenbursti, the golden-bristled one.” Frey looked impressed. Still, thought Loki, the magical ship that folded up like a cloth was every bit as impressive as an unstoppable boar that shone in the dark. Loki’s head was quite safe. And the last gift Brokk had to present was the one that Loki knew he had already managed to sabotage. From beneath the cloth Brokk produced a hammer, and placed it in front of Thor. Thor looked at it and sniffed. “The handle is rather short,” he said. Brokk nodded. “Yes,” he said. “That’s my fault. I was working the bellows. But before you dismiss it, let me tell you about what makes this hammer unique. It’s called Mjollnir, the lightning-maker. First of all, it’s unbreakable—doesn’t matter how hard you hit something with it, the hammer will always be undamaged.” Thor looked interested. He had already broken a great many weapons over the years, normally by hitting things with them. “If you throw the hammer, it will never miss what you throw it at.” Thor looked even more interested. He had lost a number of otherwise excellent weapons by throwing them at things that irritated him and missing, and he had watched too many weapons he had thrown disappear into the distance, never to be seen again. “No matter how hard or how far you throw it, it will always return to your hand.” Thor was now actually smiling. And the thunder god did not often smile. “You can change the size of the hammer. It will grow, and it will also shrink down so small that if you wish, you can hide it inside your shirt.” Thor clapped his hands together in delight, and thunder echoed across Asgard. “And yet, as you have observed,” concluded Brokk sadly, “the handle of the hammer is indeed too short. This is my fault. I failed to keep the bellows blowing while my brother, Eitri, was forging it.” “The shortness of the handle is a minor, cosmetic problem,” said Thor. “This hammer will protect us from the frost giants. This is the finest gift I have ever seen.” “It will protect Asgard. It will protect all of us,” said Odin with approval. “If I were a giant, I would be very afraid of Thor if he had that hammer,” said Frey. “Yes. It’s an excellent hammer. But Thor, what about the hair? Sif’s beautiful new golden hair!” asked Loki slightly desperately. “What? Oh, yes. My wife has very nice hair,” said Thor. “Now. Show me how to make the hammer grow and shrink, Brokk.” “Thor’s hammer is better even than my wonderful spear and my excellent arm-ring,” said Odin, nodding. “The hammer is greater and more impressive than my ship and my boar,” admitted Frey. “It will keep the gods of Asgard safe.” The gods clapped Brokk on the back and told him that he and Eitri had made the finest gift that they had ever been given. “Good to know,” said Brokk. He turned to Loki. “So,” said Brokk. “I get to cut off your head, Laufey’s son, and take it back with me. Eitri will be so pleased. We can turn it into something useful.” “I . . . will ransom my head,” said Loki. “I have treasures I can give you.” “Eitri and I already have all the treasure we need,” said Brokk. “We make treasures. No, Loki. I want your head.” Loki thought for a moment, then said, “Then you can have it. If you can catch me.” And Loki leapt high into the air and ran off, far above their heads. In moments he was gone. Brokk looked at Thor. “Can you catch him?” Thor shrugged. “I really shouldn’t,” he said. “But then, I would very much like to try out the hammer.” In moments Thor returned, holding Loki tightly. Loki was glaring with impotent fury. The dwarf Brokk took out his knife. “Come here, Loki,” he said. “I’m going to cut off your head.” “Of course,” said Loki. “You can, of course, cut off my head. But—and I appeal to mighty Odin here—if you cut off any of my neck, you are violating the terms of our agreement, which promised you my head, and my head only.” Odin inclined his head. “Loki is right,” he said. “You have no right to cut his neck.” Brokk was irritated. “But I can’t cut off his head without cutting his neck,” he said. Loki looked pleased with himself. “You see,” he said, “if people thought through the exactness of their words, they would not dare to take on Loki, the wisest, the cleverest, the trickiest, the most intelligent, the best-looking . . .” Brokk whispered a suggestion to Odin. “That would be fair,” agreed Odin. Brokk produced a strip of leather and a knife. He wrapped the leather around Loki’s mouth. Brokk tried to pierce the leather with the tip of the knifeblade. “It’s not working,” said Brokk. “My knife isn’t cutting you.” “I might have wisely arranged for protection from knifeblades,” said Loki modestly. “Just in case the whole you-can’t-cut-my-neck ploy did not work. I am afraid no knifeblade can cut me!” Brokk grunted and produced an awl, a pointed spike used in leatherwork, and he jabbed it through the leather, punching holes through Loki’s lips. Then he took a strong thread and he sewed Loki’s lips together with it. Brokk walked away, leaving Loki with his mouth sewn up tight, unable to complain. For Loki, the pain of being unable to talk hurt even more than the pain of having his lips stitched into the leather. So now you know: that is how the gods got their greatest treasures. It was Loki’s fault. Even Thor’s hammer was Loki’s fault. That was the thing about Loki. You resented him even when you were at your most grateful, and you were grateful to him even when you hated him the most.

[chucklestheechidona]

Freedom Fighters - An Unceremonious Death

For the love of god let them die

Look, I like the Freedom Fighters. More the reboot than the preboot, they have less baggage, but still, I respect what they did. But if you’ve read my other dumb things you also know I think Red Dwarf USA had a real chance of working, so maybe I’m just insane.

Either way, this whole Rally For Sally business has been going around and disturbing the usual culprits from their dens and I feel I should say something.

“The American Canon“

This is a stupid sentence and yet thrown around as you like. There is no American canon, there is just “The Canon” and “Non-canon.” Believe it or not, the people who make the product get to decide what’s done with it and what is canon.

If you made something and then in France they made an entirely different story with concepts and themes you didn’t want to explore, you’d be hesitant about including or acknowledging it. Same with Sega of Japan.

But then why did Sega allow this to be made?

Well, I think this needs a tad bit of history behind it.

We’re going to the 90′s

Denim was in, the future was here, everything in 2000′s would be chrome and the Y2k bug was on the horizon.

Ohno

But Sega of Japan had an issue. Their arcade machines were selling like nobody’s business but they wanted that sweet console piece of the pie, but had no winning mascot. Alex Kidd, unfortunately, wasn’t moving as many consoles as they had hoped, god knows not enough to rival Mario.

They needed something cool, something different, somethi- It’s Sonic. You know it is, I know it is, I ain’t dragging this on.

It did well enough in Japan, but Sega was focusing on international markets with this game. It had a somewhat universal design, helped by the basis being Felix and Mickey Mouse which were popular around the world, with catchy songs based on both Japanese and American releases from the past.

It was going to be a hit.

Or... was it?

Did they need to do more?

Well, Sega doesn’t just have Sega of Japan. It had SOE and SOA as well. Europe and America respectively. Others too I’m sure but my memory’s off.

SoA and SoJ had a somewhat shaky relationship with each other, but then again, so did other companies back then. It was a new foray into public relations. Japan built the consoles that actually sold, America had to sell them, but there was a big gap between the countries, how things were interpreted, different values, and let’s not forget, American pride and greed.

AMERICA in the 90′s

SOJ needed this thing to sell big. Sonic was going to be a global success if they could help it. And let’s be honest, it was.

America had it’s own plans on what Sonic should be, and SOJ actually listened to some of them. Madeline Schroeder, product manager at the time for Sega in the US, actually went to Japan to say what she thought Sonic would be. As of this, they removed Madonna and Sonic’s tie-in with a band, as well as changing certain design traits in the US because “Sonic looked too Japanese.“

And then had the gall to call herself the “Mother Of Sonic”

Again, in a world where shitting on other people’s culture is a big no-no, and for good reason, how that managed to be fine is insane.

It’s a Japanese fucking product, Madeline.

Alongside this, as SOA hadn’t had much access to the Japanese backstories (although, the manuals should have been fine enough), when it came to marketing the games as an ongoing story (and ready in time for the cartoons they wanted to push) SOA made their own Sonic Bible, for use outside of non-Japanese territories.

This would have the seeds of what most people know, Freedom Fighters, Eggman once being good, Sonic being part of the good fight, etc.

[Astoundingly, when they made the cartoons and everything, Fleetway would be the one to actually stick closer to this than Archie/Satam/Underground/Aosth ever did so who’s talking about canon now huh]

Japan didn’t really notice nor take heed. One could make a good case for their complete obliviousness to what SOA was doing. You can tell because absolutely nothing from the bible/comics/magazine ever appeared in a Japanese Sonic game. Spinball was Sega Technical Institute, an American Division. Not Sega of Japan.

On top of this, as I see a bunch of people who go “Sega is disrespecting the American canon”, interesting fact. In Europe and Japan, the manual for Sonic CD clearly states Amy Rose is in the game. Sega of America actually edited this to say Sally, despite not going through and changing the sprites. If that’s not disrespect towards the creators of the games I don’t know what is.

The Canon

The problem I find with this is that, let’s be honest, if we had to look at this from an objective viewpoint:

Japan released a game.

America sought to profit off it, but didn’t like it was very much Japanese, not American.

They changed the story to be more American themed, changed the art design to look more American drawn, and ignored the Japanese additions to the games by editing out the Japanese characters in the manuals.

Because they wanted to profit off a different culture’s work by changing it wholesale so it didn’t resemble the culture it came from.

Nothing about SatAm’s premise or creation says anything about the original material it came from, just heavily adapted without any input from it’s creators to resemble a more American product.

You know how Japan saw Sonic?

This cute lad who acted more like a cartoon Felix the Cat type figure.

Now I get it, especially in the 90′s, everyone was localising. The markets weren’t as much the same, god knows they gave Ratchet attack eyebrows to be appealing etc.

But this was so anti-Japanese that the fact they were profiting at all from a Japanese product is insane.

Adventure

Ha

Back in Japan in the 90′s, they didn’t really have much of an idea what they were doing with the canon. They had plans but they seemed to be not as stable as they would have liked. The amount of games they were pumping out with different Eggman attacks and characters and if the GG games fit in with the MD games-

They needed something a bit more stable.

So when it was their time for their biggest game yet, they started to reign things in. In Japan. In Europe.

In America.

Sonic Adventure would be the basis for the stories for the next decade or so, with some revisions on what came before, what was mainline, what have you.

At this point, SOA’s cartoons had all died and the only thing remaining in the Sonic canon from that time was the Archie comic, still ongoing. But yet America still pulled this stuff off.

In the original script, Eggman is still Eggman. None of this “I AM DOCTOR ROBOTNIK, GENIUS OF THE WORLD” schtick.

No changing the manuals this time at least, so they’re getting better.

Over time, the only surviving things to come out of the canon, which Sega was nice enough to do considering, was

- Chilli-dogs - I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG - Robotnik being Maria’s surname

Didn’t you have something to say about the Freedom Fighters?

Why yes I do.

So, the Freedom Fighters for me, as much as I like them as , represent an American centrism. Not only was America not a Sega dominated market, for Nintendo did better and Europe was buying Sega consoles like candy, but the characters and show weren’t that popular outside the country anyway.

Ask someone in Europe in the 90′s who Sally Acorn was and unless they had access to a specific channel they wouldn’t have the first idea. Amy Rose, for sure, she was in the games. 

I didn’t know who Sally was until Mega Collection Plus came out, and the UK STILL manages to get Sonic games in the top of the charts when they come out.

Aosth was shown more abroad with more appeal, the comics weren’t sold internationally, let alone in Japan.

To be all “But these characters cemented the Western fanbase” is mental.

The comics sold somewhere in the tens of thousands in their hey-day. At the same time, Sonic games were selling millions. The comic and show are so old that unless you were part of the 20,000 buying the comics recently or pirated them, you don’t even know who they are.

Fleetway was the only Sonic comic we got in the UK, and there’s more fans that have grown up with Sonic Adventure being the basis which had absolutely no inspiration from the Western products.

These characters are relics of America taking the mick out of a Japanese product in order to make more money and produce shows.

To say they’ve made a big impact on Sonic in the world is really stretching it.

F.A.Q

But you said you liked the FF’s!

I do, but in the same way I like AU’s. It was interesting, of it’s time and it said a lot about the culture it was made in. Like, comparable to Tails gets Trolled or Fleetway

B-but I really like the FF’s!

Good for you, don’t let me stop you. Again, I like a bunch of the stories.

Are you a Japanese purist?

Fleetway is cool and I liked the Boom show, and I liked Robotnik better than Eggman as a name.

I heard that some Japanese fans actually liked the FF’s though...

And more power to them. Again, Red Dwarf USA does a lot to shit on what made the UK version so good but I respect what it tried to do. Again, even I like the FF’s to an extent.

Why did you write this all out?

Seeing all this Rally for Sally has brought out all the insane people who shout at SOJ for being gits for not respecting the American canon despite the American canon being born from a disrespect to the Japanese creators.

What about IDW?

Ironically I actually liked Reboot more but also I was younger when I read them.

What do you think of Tangle and Whisper getting in?

I need to read more of IDW but they’re good enough. As for getting in the games, these designs were vetted and passed through SOJ first and the comic is overseen by them. On top of this, T+W don’t come from a place of SOA taking the mick.

But Sega has used these characters before and ESTABLISHED this as canon why are they changing it now-

I see this a lot, usually with certain people. Dobson’s a good example of why this is stupid. When the Japanese revert changes made to characters like Mario/Zelda/Samus by the West, they didn’t radically change their personalities, they just reset them to what Japan intended.

Japan never intended for the FF’s, the three heavily contrasting cartoons and Knuckles is Jesus Christ Superstar.

They just reverted him back to the sole guy on Angel Island.

Do you think Sally should get in to Sonic Dash?

No more than I think Tekno or Sonia does. They’re old, irrelevant, gone. If they do get brought in for a cameo I’d be happy enough, I like dumb nods to non-canon things.

However, there are crazy people out there and you give them an inch and they’ll take a mile. Best to leave it.

Hotel?

[jayne-hecate-writer]

Ducati and Lego...

Things are getting weird with Lego of late, from bad decisions regarding the sources of Technic models, to crunchy gear boxes and then this, the Ducati Panigale V4 R…

From the get go, I was really excited by the prospect of the Technic Ducati. The box looked great, with the model on the front looking really exciting, thanks to the clever and beautiful photography. I had to have one and I argued with myself for several days about spending a significant amount of my severely limited resources on what is in effect a silly, children’s toy. When it came to ordering, we were in the middle of Covid lockdown, Lego were sold out and Amazon was stating that toy orders would take six to eight weeks to deliver, it was not looking good. However, through on line shopping and a little bit of time on google, I found me a toy shop in Northern England that had one in stock and for a good price too.

Now let me tell you a little story, several years ago I was working part time for a national bicycle franchise here in the UK, it was the busy pre-Christmas, super busy sales time and I was on my own in the bike department. I sold a kids bike and the new owner wanted to take it away in a box. I went out the back to the storeroom and tried to retrieve the bike box from a pile stacked up on a shelf, which collapsed on me, crushing a nerve in my neck and right arm. The pain did not not start right away, instead it built up in intensity until I was struggling to take deep breaths had to ask my boss to take me to hospital. I was X-Rayed, poked, prodded and suddenly strapped down hard to a table when a Doctor found shadow across one of my vertebrate that indicated that I had broken my neck! Luckily, it was not broken and I have no idea what that little dark line on the X-Ray image of my tiny bone was. The damage was done though and the nerve that runs from my neck, down my arm and through my elbow was permanently damaged. I was given a lot of medical treatment, went through an awful lot of pain and I was off work for three months because of the injury and grew extremely bored and depressed. The relief to my suffering came in a surprising fashion, when my partner picked up for me, a Lego Technic motorbike to build.

That little Lego motorbike was a revelation, it looked great, it worked brilliantly and it came with instructions to build a second model from the same kit. The kit came with stickers and the whole thing was a bright orange colour that resembled a KTM motocross bike. Days later, e-Bay brought me a bright green one that despite not being as good, was still fabulous and my addiction to Lego, a hobby I started as a child and had put aside as an adult, came back and bit me hard. For me, Lego Technic motorbikes will always be a little bit special because when I cannot ride my own, I can at least build one out of Lego which I enjoy rather than wasting a couple of hours watching brain dead TV or feeling worthless and bored.

Which brings me right up to date. My injured arm and hand never fully recovered, despite hours of physio and exercise. Other injuries came and I was soon left disabled and with a rapidly growing Lego Technic collection. These days, I am an AFOL spend my time building MOC ( Adult Fan of Lego and My Own Creation for non Lego people) machines of varying kinds, although I really enjoy big heavy trucks for some reason. I rarely buy a Technic kit these days, preferring to buy the parts I want in order to construct a particular model. So for me to buy a whole set, means that it is special.

The box of the Ducati does an awesome job of selling the model, it has a photo of the real bike on the back and they go to great lengths to take photos of the Lego model from all of its very best angles. They have also made some new parts specifically for this set and they are pretty good. The new USD suspension forks look amazing and they actually work. The disk rotors look cool. The new wide rear tyres is awesome and looks the part and it is not hard to imagine this machine riding around a race track, but we will come to that later.

However, on closer inspection, there are some gaping holes in the Ducati that in my opinion leave it looking unfinished. The front forks really are great, but with out a front hugger or even brake calipers it just looks wrong, like there is a big chunk missing from the front of the model. Then we come to the windscreen, which is a soft piece of fogged up plastic film that fits so badly, it is a wonder it was ever signed off by the Ducati engineers! The V-4 engine and working gear box do nothing simply because you cannot see them, rendering the visual impact of the moving engine parts pointless. The final drive for the fake motor from the rear wheel is by a little white elastic band which to my view is a bit disappointing. Then came my biggest bugbear of all. The sheer number of stickers the builder needs to attach. I will make no secret of the fact that I thoroughly hate stickers on Lego parts for the following reasons. Firstly, they can be an absolute bastard to fit accurately. Secondly, they tend to peel off over time or lift a corner and get furry with dust which makes them look even worse. Finally, heavily stickered up pieces prevent you from using the pieces in other MOC constructions. At least with printed pieces, the final model actually looks great for display, even if you cannot use the printed parts elsewhere. Stickers are just a massive pain in the arse and some of the stickers on this set are tiny, so I refused to fit them, meaning that the final model looks a bit flat and dull. Yes, this is my fault for not using the stickers, but we get onto a circular argument here.

With the model finished and sat on my desk, I was, I have to admit, feeling a little disappointed. Then it fell over. Unlike other Technic bikes that have gone before, this bike has no side stand. Instead it comes with a paddock stand, which does not fit well or work properly. The finished model is so unstable that it has to be balanced just right to stop it falling over, meaning that it is also not a good model for display for both the practical and aesthetic reasons. The handle bars are designed to look like real clip on bars, they are very prettily done and there is even a brake fluid reservoir for the front brake… But no brake lever. Similarly, the rear fluid reservoir is present, but again, no brake pedal. Yes, I know that these are small points to make, but when the designer has gone to the effort to add tiny details, why omit the actual main bits that require the small details?

Sadly, this model is deeply flawed and the front screen is the final insult. This scrap of plastic film is held in place by two bright red Ninjago swords, leaving a five millimetre gap on either side. No matter what I tried, I could not get it to sit nicely and the foggy plastic looked awful anyway. The under engine exhaust gets a similar lacklustre treatment and the huge double bend pipe work looks out of scale. The real shame here is that the actual front fairing of this model is a thing of beauty that looks suitably menacing. But with the lack of front guard below and the pathetic screen above, it ends up looking like a nasty custom from a bad biker build off show. There was so much potential for this model to be amazing and Lego seemed to cut too many corners with the final result. For example, the front disk rotors are beautifully designed, but why are they moulded in standard light stone grey? They should have been done in a beautiful pearl silver. The bad screen is simply unforgivable, but there is a fix to this and it involves a clear plastic bottle, a pair of scissors and fifteen minutes to get it to sit just right! The useless paddock stand is annoying and having built my own in the past for custom models, I know how much easier they are to make.

What about the bikes that came before this one? To be honest, the not quite a Triumph Street Triple is still my favourite. It is so clearly a model of the Triumph modern classic, one has to ask why it did not have an official endorsement, especially given that it was and remains one of the most beautiful motorbikes in the Technic range. It also comes with some printed pieces too, making the final model even more beautiful.

The big BMW GS1200 is an ugly brute of a bike in reality, but the Lego model of it is fabulous with the unique telelever suspension and huge pannier boxes... even if the flat twin engine is a bit lame looking with a huge gap between cylinder and head.

The truth is that no Technic motorbike will ever be perfect, although the Street triple does come very close. Compared to these, the Ducati feels like a rushed and unfinished model, which is a real shame given (and I say this a dedicated Suzuki owner) the absolute beauty of the real thing.

So, what can I do next with this bloody thing, it’s not like I can chuck a motor on it and set it off across the car park like I can do with the Corvette they released this year, is it? Wellllllll…. It would be rude not to try and this has been for a while now, an on going project for me to build an actual working Lego Motorbike, running on Technic Power functions kit. To date and prior to this new Ducati, I have had a single working prototype model that was able to ride and steer just like a real motorcycle. A moving weighted brick causes the bike to lean over, which steers the bike. As the weight moves back, the bike stands up again and continues in a straight line. It is not yet perfect and I have lost it under a couple of cars as I experiment. I tried to modify the Ducati chassis to accept this steering and drive set up of a pair of motors and a battery pack and the result was more ugly than me with a post migraine hangover, having woken up with my head covered in drool!

Sadly, the chain drive could not deliver the power needed to spin the wheel fast enough with enough torque to propel the bike, so I had to resort to a shaft drive on both sides of the wheel replacing the swing arm. By the time I was finished, the final bike looked like a cheap Fake Lego rip off and when I tested it on the smooth tarmac of the car park, it fell over after moving less than a foot!

So that is it for me. I give up. I have tried time and time again and I simply cannot make a working model Ducati motorcycle using Power Functions. If you look on You Tube, others have made working models  and I have no idea how they have done it. One person has used a Buwhizz unit, which over volts the motors giving the bike a real blast of speed. But for those of you with a Physics mind, the way a bike works is super intricate and has nothing at all to do with centrifugal force (yes, I am aware that this is a misnomer, but it has been used for decades to explain a complicated process). Do go and look up how motorbikes steer and balance because the in-depth science of it is fascinating. No really, it is fantastic and for years I have thought so wrongly about how it all works. In the mean time, if any of you out there can figure out how to make a Power Functions controlled motorbike, I shall take my hat off to you. You are clearly a better builder than I.

[backtozeon]

Dear Fans of Watchmen, Hello there. My name is Damon Lindelof and I am a writer. I am also the unscrupulous bastard currently defiling something that you love. But that’s not all that I am. I am a twelve-year old boy being handed the first two issues by my father. “You’re not ready for this,” he growls with a glint of mischief in his eye. My parents have recently divorced and he has gone rogue, so there I am in my bed, flashlight beam illuminating pages, watching the Comedian fall again and again and again. The old man was wrong. I am ready for this. Because this was written just for me. I am thirty-eight. A man offers me the opportunity to adapt Watchmen for television. The filmed adaptation came out less than a year ago, but that doesn’t matter. I tell him I am not interested and that perhaps he should let sleeping dogs lie with hopes they will eventually be run over by a car tire, bursting their stomachs. He does not get the reference. I am watching my father haggle with a man in a wheelchair. I am fifteen years old and we are at a comic book convention in New York City, long before attending a comic book convention was something anyone wanting to ever have sex with another person would admit to. I definitely want to have sex with another person. My father finally harangues the merchant down to thirty dollars for a guaranteed authentic screenplay of Watchmen, soon to be a major motion picture! Now, he reads aloud from the script as “The Watchmen” battle terrorists at The Statue of Liberty. Something is wrong. The old man’s brow furrows, scanning the text in a mixture of disappointment and rage, a child who has just been told that Santa didn’t bring him presents this year, then robbed the house and beat up his parents. “What the fuck is this?” my father mutters. It is the first time he swears in front of me. Another man offers me the opportunity to adapt Watchmen for television. I am forty now. I tell him someone else asked me to do this a year ago and I declined. He inquires as to why I said no. I tell him that Alan Moore has been consistently explicit in stating that Watchmen was written for a very specific medium and that medium is comics, comics that would be ruined should they be translated into moving images. The Another Man pauses for a moment, then responds – “Who’s Alan Moore?” I am twenty-three and living in Los Angeles. My father flies out from New Jersey for my birthday and gives me a present, a new edition of the “graphic novel” that is Watchmen. He explains to me that this is the publisher’s way of retaining the rights to the characters. He tells me that Dan and Adrian and Jon and Walter and Laurie are all serfs, working the land for a Feudal Lord that will never grant them freedom. My father is more than a little drunk.. More so, he is a hypocrite for buying me the new edition. “I know, I know…” he says, that same mischievous glint from years ago obscured by now thicker lenses, “But it’s so goddamned good.” Yet Another Man offers me the opportunity to adapt Watchmen for television. “Just a pilot,” he says, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I am forty-three now and I am thinking about something I read about Orthodox Judaism. While most religions are cultivated by evangelizing and conversion, Orthodox Judaism doesn’t solicit. If someone from another faith wishes to become an Orthodox Jew, they are rejected. If they are stubborn enough to ask again, they are denied even more harshly. But should they have the audacity to ask a third time? The door cracks open. And if they’re willing to invest an immense amount of time and effort and sacrifice and faith, they are embraced into the fold. Why am I thinking about this? I have said no to Watchmen twice now. This makes me Orthodox Judaism. I crack the door. And now I’m a hypocrite too. I am standing over my father’s hospital bed. I am twenty-nine, the last age at which I will consider myself “young.” The breathing tube was removed two hours ago and they said he wouldn’t last longer than fifteen minutes. It’s a cliché. I’m living a trope. He is unconscious and unable to impart final wisdom nor tell me he was proud all along, even though he never said it out loud. There is no beeping machine showing his weakening heartrate. My father is beyond machines. I hold his cool hand and try not to pray to God because he detested the very idea of God so instead I pray to his gods. I pray to Cthulhu. I pray to 42, the Eternal Cosmic Number. I pray to Dr. Manhattan, far away in a galaxy less complicated than this one. The television is on and the Lakers win the championship. My father never cared about basketball. He didn’t even know the rules. When he dies, I finally understand that I don’t know the rules either. No one does. I am forty-five and I am writing a letter to the fans. The fans of Watchmen. It’s unnecessarily wordy and an exercise in oversharing, but nothing gets people on your side more than telling them about the moment your father died. Sharing such intimate details with strangers feels needy and pathetic and exploitative and yucky and necessary and freeing. I am also looking for an elegant way to escape from this device of quantum observance, a device appropriated from Mr. Moore so that I can speak to those fans from the bottom of my cold, thieving heart. Perhaps I could switch from referring to them in the third person and shift into the second, thus bringing them closer to the first? Would that be amenable to you? First and foremost, if you are angry that I’m working on Watchmen, I am sorry. You may be thinking I can’t be that sorry or I wouldn’t be doing it. I concede the point, but I hope it doesn’t invalidate the apology, which I offer with sincerity and respect. Respect. That’s second and twicemost. I have an immense amount of respect for Alan Moore. He is an extraordinary talent of mythic proportion. I wrote him a letter, parts of which are not dissimilar to this one, because I owed him an explanation as to why I’m defying his wishes and to humbly ask him not to place a curse on me because he knows magic and apparently, he can do that. His response, or whether he responded at all, is between he and I. Suffice to say, even before I sent it, Mr. Moore had made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want anyone to “adapt” his work. To do so is hubris. Worse yet, it’s unethical. There are a million ways to rationalize unethical behavior – I could argue that Mr. Moore’s partner, the brilliant artist, Dave Gibbons, is equally entitled to authorize access to his masterwork and that he has been kind enough to offer us his blessing to do so. Or I could offer that Mr. Moore cut his veined teeth on the creations of others; Batman, Superman, Captain Britain, Marvelman (he’ll never be “Miracleman” to me), Swamp Thing and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, not to mention The Charlton characters upon whom his Watchmen characters are based… So am I not allowed to do the same? No. I am not. I am not allowed. And yet… I am compelled. I am compelled despite the inevitable pushback and hatred I will understandably receive for taking on this particular project. This ire will be maximally painful because of its source. That source being you. The true fans. I once said that if one were a true fan of something, they weren’t allowed to hate it. A prominent writer took me to task for such heresy, arguing that just because one was the creator of a show, this did not permit them to pick and choose who was and wasn’t a fan of it. The writer went on to win a Pulitzer for television criticism. I went on to get snubbed by the Razzies for Prometheus. As such, I concede this point, too. After all, even the most fervent lifelong fan of, oh, let’s say the New York Jets, is allowed to shout at the top of his lungs, “YOU SUCK OH MY GOD YOU SUUUUUUUUUCKIII II” and do so while wearing a replica Namath Jersey he purchased for an ungodly sum of money that may or may not have constituted his entire first paycheck on Nash Bridges. But the point. The point is, you love Watchmen. That gives you the right to hate it, too. Because no matter what… You’re still true fans. But to quote the immortal P.W. Herman… “I know you are… But what am IT’ What am I? I’m a true fan, too. And I’m not the only one. What I love most about television is that the finished product is a result not of singular vision, but the collective experience of many brilliant minds. I have the pleasure of sitting in a Writers Room each and every day that is as diverse and combative as any I’ve ever been a part of. In that room, Hetero White Men like myself are in the minority and as Watchmen is (incorrectly) assumed to be solely our domain, understanding its potential through the perspectives of women, people of color and the LGBTQ community has been as eye-opening as it has been exhilarating. We’ve committed to doing the same in front of and behind the camera. And every single person involved with this show absolutely adores Watchmen. But in the spirit of complete honesty, we also sorta want to… uh… Disrupt it? Except I hate that word because now it’s not disruptive anymore. And how can I present as punk rock when I’m now cozy in bed, spooning with Warner Brothers, HBO and DC? Truth be told, everyone there, particularly Geoff Johns (who is as true fan as it gets) has been extraordinarily supportive. Sure, it’s fun to kick around the comic corporate overlords for exploiting writers and artists, but we all know what happened to Jack Kirby and we’re still first in line for every Marvel film. So… how do we answer the challenge of when it is appropriate to appropriate? Which brings us to the most important part. Maybe the only part that really matters. Our creative intentions. We have no desire to “adapt” the twelve issues Mr. Moore and Mr. Gibbons created thirty years ago. Those issues are sacred ground and they will not be retread nor recreated nor reproduced nor rebooted. They will, however be remixed. Because the bass lines in those familiar tracks are just too good and we’d be fools not to sample them. Those original twelve issues are our Old Testament. When the New Testament came along, it did not erase what came before it. Creation. The Garden of Eden. Abraham and Isaac. The Flood. It all happened. And so it will be with Watchmen. The Comedian died. Dan and Laurie fell in love. Ozymandias saved the world and Dr. Manhattan left it just after blowing Rorschach to pieces in the bitter cold of Antarctica. To be clear. Watchmen is canon. Just the way Mr. Moore wrote it, the way Mr. Gibbons drew it and the way the brilliant John Higgins colored it. But we are not making a “sequel” either. This story will be set in the world its creators painstakingly built… but in the tradition of the work that inspired it, this new story must be original. It has to vibrate with the seismic unpredictability of its own tectonic plates. It must ask new questions and explore the world through a fresh lens. Most importantly, it must be contemporary. The Old Testament was specific to the Eighties of Reagan and Thatcher and Gorbachev… ours needs to resonate with the frequency of Trump and May and Putin and the horse that he rides around on, shirtless. And speaking of Horsemen, The End of The World is off the table (THE LEFTOVERS! NOW STREAMING ON HBO GO!) which means the heroes and villains — as if the two are distinguishable — are playing for different stakes entirely. The tone will be fresh and nasty and electric and absurd. Many describe Watchmen as “dark,” but I’ve always loved its humor -worshipping at the altar of the genre whilst simultaneously trolling it. As such… Some of the characters will be unknown. New faces. New masks to cover them. We also intend to revisit the past century of Costumed Adventuring through a surprising, yet familiar set of eyes… and it is here where we’ll be taking our greatest risks. Risk is imperative. I need the feeling in my stomach before I leap from a great height without knowing the depth of the water below. If my body should shatter upon impact, at least it was in pursuit of glory. And let’s be honest… Isn’t there a small part of you that wants to see me explode like a fleshy watermelon? But hopefully, there’s also a part that wants to experience something sort of amazing. As for what I want? I want your validation. I also want not to want it. I’ve given up the opioid highs of Twitter, but continue to score my methadone in the threads of Reddit and the hot takes of morning-after recappers. I’ll be reading and watching and listening to what you have to say because even though I wish I didn’t… I deeply care about what you think. Which brings us, Thank God, to the end of the missive. Endings. I’m GREAT at them. A wise, blue man once said that nothing ever ends. But maybe he wasn’t wise. Maybe he was just scared and alone and sad that he would outlive everything and everyone he ever loved. So I hope this isn’t the last time we correspond, fellow fans… after all, it’s just a pilot and we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. But maybe… if everything works out the way I hope it does… and if you’re willing to give me a chance, it’s not the end at all… It’s the beginning? With Respectful Hubris, -Damon

[mysterioustransmissions]

My favorite comics of 2017

Keeping with my new tradition of posting this list super late, here, on the last day of 2018, is my best comics of 2017 list. I can offer excuses -- my wife and I remodeled our house and welcomed our first child into the world this year, and I’m also unfailingly lazy -- but 2017 was also a killer year for comics, making this a bit larger of an undertaking than usual. Both Koyama Press and co-publishers Retrofit Comics and Big Planet Comics had absolutely stacked lineups. You’ll see them listed as publisher for many entries below.

I always struggle with how to order this list. I got serious about organizing my comics collection in 2018, and am running into the same problem. There, I’m thinking of dividing it into two -- a single-author section organized by author name (which ends up being mostly minicomics and graphic novels), and a multiple-author section organized by title (which ends up being mostly traditional-sized comics). Here, I’m essentially doing that same thing, but mixing them together; some entries are by title, and some author name.

Comics I especially enjoyed are marked with an *.

Allison, Matthew; Cankor: Calamity of Challenge #2 and #3 (self-published).

Berserker 1, edited by edited by Tom Oldham and Jamie Sutcliffe (Breakdown Press). There was a lot of anticipation and very specific expectations placed on this book ahead of its release, but no one seemed to walk away from the finished product satisfied. But it’s got a killer cover, great production design, and strips by some of the best cartoonists going. I hope Breakdown does another one.

* Booth, Tara; How to be Alive (Retrofit Comics & Big Planet Comics). One of the funniest books I’ve ever read. Booth’s drawings are a riot to look at, that the gags are also great is pure gravy. About as big as crossover hits get in my house. (I.e., my wife also loved it.)

Cardini, William; Tales From the Hyperverse (Retrofit Comics and Big Planet Comics). Cardini’s sci-fi world is made bigger and more engaging by the rapid-fire pace of this short story collection. His wild experimentation with color is always an inspiration.

Corben, Richard; Shadows on the Grave #1 - #8 (Dark Horse Comics). Not my favorite of Corben’s late-period Dark Horse horror books, but there’s plenty to enjoy. I was stunned by the sheer efficiency of the storytelling -- there are entire stories told with a single image and a few word balloons. A lot of these books sport great covers, issue #1 here, seen at the link for this entry, is one of the best.

Darrow, Geoff; The Shaolin Cowboy: Who’ll Stop the Reign? #1 - #4 with Dave Stewart (Dark Horse Comics). I was so bowled over by the experience of buying Shemp Buffet monthly that I initially scoffed at Cowboy’s return to more traditional narrative, but it turned out to be no less wild and no loss at all.

Davis, Eleanor; Libby’s Dad (Retrofit Comics & Big Planet Comics) and You & a Bike & a Road (Koyama Press). You & a Bike & a Road does something that’s often attempted and rarely successful -- it beats the audience down so it can then lift them up higher. Its success is due in no small part from its origin as a real-life journal. The visceral and emotional pain Davis feels on her journey is sincerely felt, and the lack of cynicism the storytelling choices are made with allow the reader to feel it whole cloth. And listen; it certainly doesn’t hurt that Davis is an amazing narrative storyteller besides -- Libby’s Dad is no less affecting.

DeForge, Michael; mini kuš! #43 'Meat Locker' (kuš!). I sleep on DeForge. I take him for granted. I feel like I’m not the only one? I see some excitement when his books come out, but no discussion. Blame it on the high volume and opaque nature of his work, the dearth of comics reviewers, and me, obviously. Also obviously, whenever something of his does find its way to my hands, I’m never sorry.

Estrada, Inés; Alienation #3 - #6 (self-published). The bundled version of this series, seen at the link for this entry, has the coolest book packaging I’ve ever seen in my life.

Expansion by Matt Sheean and Malachi Ward (AdHouse Books). I didn’t like this nearly as much as this same team’s previous Ancestor (due no doubt to its earlier and improvised creation), but damn, what a cover.

* Forsman, Chuck; Slasher #1 - #4 (Floating World Comics). I’d say the majority of my interest in Forsman’s work is in seeing how he presents his it and steers his career -- he’s among the best there is at that. Slasher is his first work I strongly connected with. It digs deep and gets wilder and wilder.

Ferrick, Margot; Yours (2dcloud). I’m a simpleton, so I was surprised at how deeply I was able to be moved by something this abstract. As always, grabbing 2dcloud’s whole line on Kickstarter expands my horizons and makes me a better reader.

Foster-Dimino, Sophia; Sex Fantasy (Koyama Press). I’ve actually only read the minis of this. This collection has the one I’m missing, plus some new material, but I love Sex Fantasy. It’s like a perpetual motion machine for thought -- you can just think about it forever.

Fricas, Katie; Art Fan (self-published). One of those things you dream of happening at a show -- picked this up at MICE not knowing anything about it, and was delighted by the artwork and knocked out by the “reviews of trippy art events”; particularly the first, about Duke Riley’s Fly by Night.

* Friebert, Noel; WEIRD6 (self-published), SPINE: I’ll Still Watch (Bred Press), Old Ground (Koyama Press). Sometimes when I have a fever, I can’t break loose of a single, circular thought -- I have the same thought over and over, only to realize once the fever’s broken that it was barely coherent. Friebert’s newer, decompressed work is like that. You turn page after page, and nothing happens. It’s the same characters still doing and saying the same things, again and again. You turn the pages faster and faster, almost in a panic, hoping to break the cycle and resolve the unease before you. But it’s no use.

* gg; I’m Not Here (Koyama Press), Valley (kuš!). I’m Not Here is one of a few books I recommended to people who were enjoying season 3 of Twin Peaks at the time. It doesn’t convey information so much as emotion, and rewards as much thought as you want to put into it.

* Hankiewicz, John; Education (Fantagraphics Books). I loved this so much I only read a few pages a night to make it last. Michael DeForge once called Noel Freibert an “astronaut” -- that applies to Hankiewicz also. No one’s ever done anything like this before, and if we didn’t have Hankiewicz I don’t think anyone ever would. Bringing poetry and modern dance (!!) into the language of comics, this was another book I recommended to watchers of season 3 of Twin Peaks -- you don’t understand the story by connecting facts, you understand it by connecting emotions.

* Hanselmann, Simon; Portrait, XMP-165 (self-published). XMP-165 was the first big payoff of the longform nature of Megg and Mogg, and it destroyed me. Also released this year was Doujinshi, Cold Cube Press’ gorgeous re-release of a Japanese Megg and Mogg fan comic.

Harkam, Sammy; Crickets #6 (The Commonwealth Comics Company). People talk about how good this book is, and I agree, but I’m not sure I could tell you why.

Haven, Eric; Vague Tales (Fantagraphics Books).

Hernandez, Gilbert and Jaime ; Love & Rockets Vol. IV #2, #3 (Fantagraphics). I made the terrible error after Love Bunglers to trade wait Locas, and for whatever reason they haven’t released one since. So I was way behind when this started coming out, but I bought and read it anyway. I initially found the story to be light, but I eventually realized I had a free ComiXology trial and caught up. It’s as great as ever.

Ito, Junji; Dissolving Classroom (Vertical, Inc.), Shiver: Junji Ito Selected Stories, and Tomie: Complete Deluxe Edition (Viz Media). Tomie may have come out in 2016 actually? I describe it to people as being about a beautiful woman who stands around until some total lech of a man inevitably murders her, then she comes back and annihilates him in the most unpleasant manner possible. Repeat ad infinitum. I don’t think the text 100% supports my reading, but that’s what it means to me.

Landry, Tyler; Shit and Piss (Retrofit Comics). The ephemeral, disjointed nature the single issue format served this story better, but it’s still extremely rad.

Loup, Celine; The Man Who Came Down the Attic Stairs (self-published).

Marcus, Ben; Crisis Zone 3rd Edition (Bred Press).

Mignolaverse and John Arcudi; Dead Inside #3 by Arcudi, Toni Fejzula, and Andre May, Lobster Johnson: The Pirate’s Ghost #1 - #3 by Arcudi and Tonci Zonjic, Hellboy: Into the Silent Sea by Gary Gianni, Mike Mignola, and Dave Stewart (Dark Horse Comics). Ignoring a few years in college when I was a lapsed comics reader, I’ve bought every Mignolaverse comic since I was about 13. That loyalty has slowly eroded over the last half decade about. I’m not alone in thinking the Arcudi-Davis run is one of the greatest of all time, and that the books started to go downhill after Guy Davis left. Beyond the departure of Davis, there are a few reasons for that, in my view.

First was the decision soon after to expand the line’s offerings. Doubling the line’s output and bringing in (inevitably) inferior creative teams was a no-win proposition for readers. Who wants more of something not as good?

Second, I think that Arcudi, a great writer, has shifted his focus from tightly-plotted five issue arcs to series-spanning character arcs. While I’m guessing this reads great in big chunks, it doesn’t spread out month to month, some months out of the year. I’m looking forward to a big re-read of everything after B.P.R.D. wraps in a few months, to see if this theory holds. Lobster Johnson: The Pirate’s Ghost came close to standing on its own, but was still rife with moments that I can only assume were big character payoffs because I didn’t remember enough to know. (Especially cool covers by Zonjic on these issues.) However, the non-Mignolaverse title Dead Inside offered the type of visceral, plot-based payoff his B.P.R.D. run with Davis hooked me with. I hadn’t been this thrilled by an Arcudi book since Killing Ground.

But third, and worst of all, has been the addition of writer Chris Roberson, whose books read like updates to the Mignolaverse Wiki. (The Visitor: How and Why He Stayed was okay, but pretty much solely due to Paul Grist’s fun art and layouts.)

I’m staying aboard the main B.P.R.D. book as it races to the finish line, and will continue to buy anything Arcudi writes, which seems to be mostly these Lobster Johnson comics. (Although even that’s looking increasingly, and sadly, unlikely to continue: https://twitter.com/ArcudiJohn/status/1075086925436874753) And I’ll certainly buy any more of these very sporadically-released Hellboy OGNs, like Into the Silent Sea, they decide to release -- the only real non-Mignola drawn Hellboy books anymore.

* Milburn, Lane; CORRIDORS (self-published). Sits comfortably next to Inflated Head Zone by Zach Hazard Vaupen, one of my favorite comics. They both forsake straightforward narrative in favor of theme-driven emotional impressionism, and do it with horror. This is catnip to me, and something I aspire to (although I’m far too boring to achieve it).

* Mirror Mirror II, edited by Sean T. Collins and Julia Gfrörer (2dcloud).

Now: The New Comics Anthology #1, edited by Eric Reynolds (Fantagraphics Books).

* Providence #12 by Jacen Burrows, Juan Rodriguez, and Alan Moore (Avatar Press). It came out months after, but it’s a safe bet Moore wrote this before Trump got elected, right? A more accurate depiction of the shell-shock of being thrust into a post-facts world I haven’t seen.

Roberts, Keiler; Sunburning (Koyama Press). Another big crossover hit in my house.

* Shiga, Jason; Demon Volumes 2, 3, and 4 (First Second). Demon became a book I wouldn’t stop showing to anyone who would listen. Like Gina Wynbrandt’s Someone Please Have Sex With Me, its hook transcends the normal comics reading audience -- you can show it to anyone and they get it right away. Specifically I would show people this amazing video https://youtu.be/NRxCTeM5pyU, which would clue them into what Shiga does enough to get them to read Demon. Demon has a story, but it’s more about rules -- establishing them and playfully subverting them with a level of inventiveness that regularly leaves you in awe.

* Terrell, Jake; Extended Play (2dcloud). This delightful book took me completely by surprise, an experience made possible by 2dcloud’s subscription model.

Tomasso, Rich; She Wolf: Black Baptism #1 - #4, Spy Seal: The Corten-Steel Phoenix #1 - #4 (Image Comics). The end of this second series of She Wolf approached the same hostile disregard for what came before as the end of Tomasso’s previous series, Dark Corridor. But where Dark Corridor acted on that impulse by simply burning it all down, She Wolf has enough respect at least to replace what came before by pivoting into a completely different comic. The freedom this affords the plot to dart in unpredictable directions is exhilarating. And it’s fun and beautifully laid out and designed, as always with Tomasso.

Tran, Thu; Dust Pam (Peow). Gorgeous!

Vaupen, Zach Hazard; Combed Clap of Thunder (Retrofit Comics and Big Planet Comics).

* Willumsen, Connor; Anti-Gone (Koyama Press). The part where the protagonists drive their boat past a window with a dog in it rewired my comics-making brain forever. This was another comic I only read a few pages of a night to make it last longer, and also recommended to friends of mine who were enjoying season three of Twin Peaks -- the plot is obfuscated in a similar way.

Yanow, Sophie; What is a Glacier? (Retrofit Comics and Big Planet Comics).

Yokoyama, Yuichi; Iceland (Retrofit Comics). Another comic I recommended to Twin Peaks season three fans. Similar to the residents of the Red Room, the characters seem truly of another world, their motivations and actions incomprehensible to us.

[vincentpennington]

Holiday Gift Guide 2019

It’s that time of year again, when I share some of my favorite things in this 2019 Holiday Gift Guide! As in years past, I recommend only items that I have personally purchased myself and truly love. You won’t find ugly sweaters or any junk that won’t stand the test of time. In fact, some of these items are holdovers from previous holiday gift guides because I think they’re well-made, well-tested, and will bring joy for many years to come!

Gifts to help you sleep

Good sleep is the ultimate gift! And as a recovering nightshift worker, it’s the one thing I prioritize above all other aspects in my life. Every night, my aim is to get high quality sleep in a dark, cool room for at least 7 to 8 hours—and I’ve personally tested a bunch of handy aids that help me achieve the maximum in high quality sleep!

Oura Ring

I LOVE my Oura ring and won’t stop telling everyone how great it is! It’s hands-down the best sleep and activity tracker on the market, and every morning I synch it with my app to assess my readiness for the day. Yes, I have a subjective sense of how I feel in the morning, but as a natural-born rule follower, I crave objective data to nudge my sleep-promoting behaviors in the right direction. For example, if my Oura ring tells me my readiness level is high I’ll make an effort to go the gym even if I’m feeling lazy. Conversely, if Oura says my readiness is low due to poor sleep or an elevated body temperature, I’ll opt for a brisk walk instead of going balls-to-the-wall at the gym. My Oura offers up all sorts of data to help me figure out how to optimize my sleep—and it looks pretty slick, too! Get one here.

Luna Weighted Blanket

I bought a Luna weighted blanket earlier this year, and it has been one of my favorite additions to my bedtime routine. It feels like I’m getting a cozy hug all night! The heaviness of this particular blanket is perfectly balanced; unlike some other weighted blankets, the heavy parts don’t end up migrating to one side or corner, leaving the blanket lopsided. Truth be told, it took me a couple of sleeps to get used to it, but now I can’t sleep without it. We now have weighted blankets on every bed in the house! Get the one here.

’Lectrofan White Noise Sound Machine

When I was a nightshift worker, I wore earplugs to block out all sounds when I slept during the day. However, they didn’t work well because ear plugs often fall out, feel uncomfortable, or fail to block out sharp, abrupt noises.

Nowadays, I use the opposite tactic to help me sleep—a ’Lectrofan white noise machine. The constant fan-like sound lulls me to sleep and masks outside noise and disturbances. I pack it with me whenever I travel, and it definitely drowns out big city sounds and adds a relaxing hum that helps me drift off to slumberland. Get one here.

Tempur-Pedic Eye Mask

I have been a happy owner of a Tempur-Pedic eye mask for many, many years. I’ve tried plenty of other highly-recommended eye masks, but for me, none of them have worked as well at blocking out light and not squashing my eyeballs into my skull. I’ve purchased quite a few of these eye masks, though the only reason I’ve had to replace them is because I keep accidentally leaving them in hotel beds. Get one here.

Need more items to help with your sleep? Here’s a list of other items that help me catch my zzzs.

My Favorite Kitchen Gear

I’m keeping my kitchen gear gift recommendations short and sweet this year—mostly because these four items will level up everyone’s cooking for many years to come.

Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus (6-quart)

I know there are a bazillion variations of the Instant Pot, but this newest model is the one you should buy for your pals—and yourself! The new Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus is an improvement on and evolution of my two favorite models, the Ultra and Duo Plus.

Why is the Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus the best model to buy?

Improved venting for quick pressure release!

The inner pot now has stay-cool handles to make it easier to remove!

The inner pot has a flat bottom for better browning AND you can use it on other cooktops!

An easier interface for programming the Instant Pot and a digital display!

Want other options? Click here are my four favorite Instant Pot models ranked in order. But as I said, my number one pick is the Instant Pot Duo Evo Plus, and you can get one here.

Thermapen Mk4

The super-accurate, quick-reading instant read Thermapen Mk4 thermometer has been my trusty companion in the kitchen for a few years! Plus, it’ll be be marked down 25% for Black Friday starting 11/27/19. Get one here.

Chef’s Choice 15 Trizor XV EdgeSelect Electric Knife Sharpener

There’s nothing that helps a cook better in the kitchen than a sharp knife. I have my own favorite chef’s knife, but I can’t tell you which one’s best for you; to see how they feel in your hand, you really need to personally test out knives yourself. But once you pick out the perfect knife, you’ll need to keep it sharp and the Chef’s Choice 15 Trizor XV sharpener is fantastic and super easy to use. Get one here.

Magic Mushroom Powder

Magic Mushroom Powder is my go-to all-purpose seasoning that makes everything taste better! Use it in place of salt in all of your favorite recipes and everyone will compliment you on your culinary creations. But don’t just take my word for it: Dylan Dreyer, an anchor on the Today Show, proclaimed our Magic Mushroom Powder as her favorite food seasoning!

You can buy cute tins of Magic Mushroom Powder nationwide at a Whole Foods Market near you or make it yourself by following this recipe!

Want to see what other kitchen gear I stock in my kitchen and pantry? Go here to check out all of my recommendations!

Fun Gifts For Active Folks

Got a pal who loves traveling or getting their fitness on? These items may just put a spring in their step (literally)!

Bellicon Classic 44” Exercise Trampoline

I recently splurged on a Bellicon indoor mini trampoline/rebounder and my whole family has the best time jumping on it throughout the day. It’s definitely the priciest rebounder on the market—I waited a whole year before I bit the bullet—but I haven’t regretted the purchase. I bought a 44-inch Bellicon because I wanted a low impact, high energy workout I could squeeze in at home between sessions of tapping on my laptop. I literally jump on the rebounder for a few minutes every hour to get my heart pumping and to put a big goofy grin on my face. Get one here.

DJI Mobile 3

If (like me!) you use your mobile phone to shoot a lot of video, you’ll love the DJI Mobile 3. This lightweight portable and  foldable gimbal is great for stabilizing your phone—no vibrations or shakiness! Good luck prying it out of your kids’ hands after they discover how it’ll level up their home videos! Get one here.

AfterShokz Aeropex Open-Ear Wireless Bone Conduction Headphones

Earbuds just don’t fit in my weirdly shaped earholes properly, and I’ve always had a difficult time finding the right pair. But then, I got these bone conduction headphones where the sound is conducted through your cheekbones—leaving your earholes open. YES, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! Plus, they’re super cool, lightweight, and I can still hear traffic (or my kids) while I’m listening to my favorite podcast. Get one here.

Body Back Buddy Trigger Point Massager

When I suffered from frozen shoulder last year, one of the items that made me feel better was this self-massager. It’s cheap and effective, and I use it to press out any tight muscles on my shoulders, back, and neck. Small victories, man. Get one here.

Favorite Books and Cookbooks

Our family loves books and cookbooks. If you love food and/or laughs, these books will fit the bill!

Nom Nom Paleo Cookbooks & iOS app!

I know I’m biased, but my favorite cookbooks of all time are the ones that Henry and I created. I love them SO MUCH, and we think it’ll help your whole family learn how to cook and find shortcuts to deliciousness!

Click on the links below to buy:

Nom Nom Paleo: Food For Humans

Ready or Not! 150+ Make-Ahead, Make-Over, and Make-Now recipes from Nom Nom Paleo

Nom Nom Paleo iOS app* (2014 and 2019 Webby Award winner!)

*If you got a new iPhone and the app is acting funky or missing recipes, simply delete the app from your device and download it again for free!

¡Estás Listo O No! (Spanish version of Ready or Not!)

Psst! If you want to gift (for others or yourself) the Spanish version of Ready or Not!, ¡Estás Listo O No!, you can buy it by clicking here! You can also get it with free worldwide shipping, by clicking here.

Dear Girls by Ali Wong

I am a HUGE fan of the brilliant, gut-bustingly funny, and downright filthy Ali Wong. Her new book is a collection of letters to her two daughters, and each one is hilarious, touching, and illuminating. Get it here.

No Crumbs Left by Teri Turner

My buddy Teri Turner is an inspiration inside and outside of the kitchen. Her debut cookbook, No Crumbs Left, is filled with incredible heart and amazing recipes! Get it here.

The Vibrant Life by Amanda Haas

My friend Amanda Haas is the coolest. Not only is she an amazing cook, mother, and entrepreneur—she just published a fab book that helps women live their best life. Amanda’s book has amazing gluten-free recipes and tons of tips she’s mined from her expert pals on everything from the healing powers of yoga, acupuncture, meditation, humor, and even sex! Get it here.

Vietnamese Food Any Day by Andrea Nguyen

Andrea Nguyen is the queen of South East Asian cooking, and her latest cookbook teaches you how to make delicious Vietnamese food with staples you can find at your neighborhood grocery store. This is not a gluten-free cookbook, but many dishes are adaptable! Get it here.

Looking for more gift ideas?

Check out my Amazon shopping page here filled with all my favorite things!

Previous holiday gift guides from 2018, 2017, and 2016!

Looking for more recipe ideas? Head on over to my Recipe Index. You’ll also find exclusive recipes on my iPhone and iPad app, and in my cookbooks, Nom Nom Paleo: Food for Humans (Andrews McMeel Publishing 2013) and Ready or Not! (Andrews McMeel Publishing 2017)!

The post Holiday Gift Guide 2019 appeared first on Nom Nom Paleo®.

[snakecolumn95]

Maile Carpenter Always Chooses Sparkling Water - Grub Street

At Dickson’s Farmstand in the Chelsea Market. Photo: Melissa Hom

Since its founding in 2008, Maile Carpenter has been the editor-in-chief of Food Network Magazine, spearheading its quick rise and populist approach. (Since last year, Carpenter has also run The Pioneer Woman Magazine.) The recipe-centric FNM draws on the network’s chefs and personalities, and Carpenter shares the hosts’ unpretentious, easygoing attitude toward food. She’s a big fan of Panera ( “they’ve got it figured out”), while she’s also found time recently to check out Dave Chang’s new Bāng Bar, make sticky buns, and eat plenty of candy. Read all about it in this week’s Grub Diet.

Thursday, December 6 I got up at 5:30 a.m. to make four batches of sugar cookie dough before our kids woke up. My older daughter was having friends over for a Secret Santa exchange and cookie-decorating party on Friday night, and my only window for making the dough was Thursday at the crack of dawn.

I finished the dough, packed school lunches, then threw two slices of “grandma bread” in the toaster. My mom supplies us with homemade raisin bread and English muffins almost every week. I don’t remember when this program started but I’m so glad it did. As I toasted the bread, I noticed a stray egg that was supposed to be in the cookie dough. Eff. I panicked, but then my husband, Wylie, reminded me that he makes dough for a living — he owns a doughnut shop — and asked me why on earth I didn’t just have him do it in the first place. I hate subcontracting this, it feels like cheating, but I had no choice. I was out of time.

I don’t usually eat anything until I get to work, but my daughter left her raisin toast behind, so I took half of it on my way out. I ran on the treadmill at the office gym, then went downstairs to Café 57 (the Hearst cafeteria) for my usual breakfast: a latte and a bowl of half Rice Chex, half Lucky Charms with totally out-of-season strawberries. The cafeteria espresso machine was broken. In lieu of a caffeine high, I ate two small bags of Chewy SweeTarts from my stash of leftover Halloween candy. (I’d never seen them before, they just came in this multipack I got. I loved them, so I dug them all out and they’re my secret stash.)

Around 1 p.m., I went to check out Dave Chang’s new Bāng Bar with a couple of editors. We were happy to find that we could sample everything for less than $20: They serve only two sandwiches, pork and chicken ($5.79), and two dips, eggplant and chickpea ($2.99). I couldn’t imagine that these things would live up to the hype, but they were actually super tasty. I drank a can of LaCroix grapefruit seltzer, because I hate still water and never really drink it, unless I’m exercising. I find sparkling to be so much more fun. Why wouldn’t you just drink it? It’s like drinking a party, instead of just keeping yourself alive.

By three o’clock, I couldn’t take it, I needed coffee. I went to Birch for a small latte that cost almost as much as my sandwich from Bang. It was worth every penny. An hour later, I drank a bottle of Hal’s cherry seltzer. Of all the seltzers, I like Hal’s the best — it has big, bouncy bubbles.

I had hours of baking and icing-making ahead of me, so I ordered from Panera for pick-up: chicken noodle and tomato soups and Southwestern chicken salad for four. I love Panera. I go every weekend. The kids eat what they have there, which is not something I can say for my home-cooked food. The tomato soup is delicious. They’ve got it figured out.

The kids jumped up and down when I got home — they’d much rather have this than anything I make. Oh my God, they’re picky. You have no idea. We recently decided — it’s kind of pathetic that we’ve never done this before — to eat dinner together as a family every night. It’s super hard because they don’t like anything. They like spaghetti and meatballs and I got them to eat lasagna, which is a big thing.

But … we unpacked and discovered the bread was missing, which is the whole point of ordering from Panera. My younger daughter cried; my husband and I just started drinking. We were all still hungry after dinner (we really needed the bread) so we ate raw cookie dough while I rolled out the cookies and Wylie made the two of us a Manhattan. I rolled and baked until almost midnight and drank a strawberry Bubly seltzer while I watched Seth Meyers.

Friday, December 7 I went for an early run at six, then came home and cleaned the house for the kids’ party. I ate a bowl of Chobani strawberry yogurt with Brandless blueberry flax granola. I would never buy a product with flax in it, but it was sent to me at work and it’s delicious. I assumed the espresso machine at work was still broken, so I made a latte on our Breville Oracle machine at home and took it with me in a thermos. I love this machine; ever since we got it, I can make a latte that’s as good as any I can buy nearby.

For lunch, I met Clarkson Potter publicist Kate Tyler at Marta and — super bonus — Ina Garten was with her, along with Ina’s assistant, Lidey. I couldn’t possibly put together a better lunch date for a Friday. Marta was bustling and festive and smelled like fire and dough and Christmas. Kate, Ina, and Lidey were wrapping up their tour for Ina’s new cookbook, and were happy to be home. We shared a tricolore salad and two pizzas: mushroom and potato-carbonara. The carbonara pizza was a textural wonder — a crackly thin crust that seemed like it could barely hold all the potatoes and cheese loaded on top, and yet it did. We each ate our piece of the pie while we talked about Ina’s early days at her Barefoot Contessa store. I feel lucky to know her. (Everyone always asks if she’s as lovely in person as she is on TV and the answer is yes, and more so.)

I left work early, around five, to race home for the kids’ party. I ordered three pizzas from Tappo the minute I emerged from the subway. It’s part of a chain of thin-crust pizza shops (along with Gruppo, Vezzo, Spunto, Brado, and Posto). I’ve moved three times in the past 15 years but have always managed to land in a delivery zone. I ate one piece of pizza, under the assumption I’d have a real dinner with Wylie later.

The kids and I attempted a new cookie-decorating technique: We made a thin royal icing, dotted it with food coloring, swirled the coloring, then dipped the cookies in facedown and pulled them up, to form a swirl design. I made a batch of icing for each kid, and we failed spectacularly at our swirling. The cookies looked insane and the kids’ mouths were dyed blue and green. How about a Christmas movie instead?

Three parents arrived for pickup and, because it was Friday, they stayed for a drink. I gave up on the idea of a real dinner and ate another slice of pizza with arugula and mozzarella salad on top, plus all the grapes and sliced cucumbers that the kids left behind. Wylie made a cocktail that we both decided was weird (I would tell you what was in it, but Wylie was like, “Why are you going to put in a gross cocktail?”), so I reverted to Grüner Veltliner. After the kids went to bed, I ate the one remaining blank star cookie and half of a red velvet doughnut that Wylie brought home from work.

Saturday, December 8 A 7:55 a.m. departure for Trader Joe’s. If I get there early, when it’s empty, I can pull my giant red wagon through the store and no one seems to mind. I filled it up with our weekly essentials: salad kits, cheap basil, granola, hummus, Just the Clusters cereal (ginger-almond-cashew version), sweet potato fries, raisin bread for whenever we run out of grandma’s, and crazy cheap, really good macarons. They’re made in France, so … they’re legit? Back at home, I tasted three other doughnuts that Wylie had brought from work — blueberry, gingerbread and passionfruit — while I drank a homemade latte.

We got a small black truffle this week in our advent calendar from the Made Nice guys. Every year, they send out this insanely thoughtful box containing 25 little boxes, each with a meaningful gift inside, like a bottled cocktail from Leo Robitschek. Wylie made scrambled eggs, put them on top of one of my mom’s toasted English muffins, covered the whole thing with grated truffles, and served it to me while I played a game of cards with my daughters. Wylie posted his creation to Instagram, thanking the Made Nice guys and also @mysticgrandma for the English muffins, which was funny because my mom was getting tons of follow requests from chefs around the world who were wondering about this unknown baker called Mystic Grandma. Sorry, mom!

The kids wanted to go ice skating in Stuyvesant Town, but we needed lunch first. I blended a batch of pesto, then made pesto and mozzarella grilled cheese sandwiches for all of us before we left. At the rink, we bought cheddar Ruffles and drank hot chocolate that Wylie had brought in a thermos. It was a terrible combination, but we polished both off anyway.

We went home to warm up for a bit, then at 6 p.m. we went to Pasta Flyer to say goodbye. We had just heard that it’s closing. The chef and owner, Mark Ladner, is a friend of Wylie’s and we were happy to see him at the counter. He brought out a bottle of red wine, spaghetti and meatballs for the kids, a bowl of fettuccine Alfredo smothered in truffles, and a side salad filled with these curiously small, super-satisfying pellets of goat cheese. Mark told Wylie that he extrudes them from a meat grinder. Genius. If you close your eyes while you eat anything at this place, you could be at Del Posto; the pasta is so good.

After dinner we went to Venchi, a gelato and chocolate shop that just opened near our apartment, for dessert. I spent $26 for four cups of gelato, and two of them were called “baby” size. Not cool. Back at home, I made cinnamon-roll dough for Sunday brunch so it could rise overnight, and Wylie made us a cocktail he invented called the Chair Lift. It’s two ounces bourbon, one ounce sweet vermouth, ¼ ounce China-China, ¼ ounce Zirbenz pine liqueur, a dash of lemon and Angostura bitters, and the tiniest pinch of salt. Shake, strain, serve on a giant cube of ice.

Sunday, December 9 We had my dermatologist and her family over for lunch. Well, technically we had my younger daughter’s classmate for brunch, but by coincidence, her mom is my longtime dermatologist. I promised myself not to ask her anything about my face while she was here.

I finished the cinnamon rolls while Wylie prepped potatoes rösti — a thick potato pancake, crisp on the outside, like a giant latke without the egg. He scrambled eggs and fried bacon while I sliced pineapple and prepped a fruit plate. We ate all of the above and brunch stretched into the afternoon.

At 3 p.m., I went downtown with my daughters and we bought gifts for our school’s toy drive. While we waited for the subway, both girls told me they were hungry. I dug in my bag and found three squished mini candy bars: two Snickers and one caramel-apple Milky Way. I took one of the Snickers and left the others for them.

Home for dinner. We had some pork sausage from Dickson’s Farmstand in Chelsea Market and we needed to use it. Wylie turned the sausage into a pasta sauce that, miraculously, the kids loved, too. We had that plus a kale salad kit from Trader Joe’s and a Last Word cocktail, because we were out of bourbon.

Monday, December 10 I ate two spoonfuls of oatmeal I made for the kids, and half of a leftover cinnamon bun. It was stale but still kind of delicious. At work, I ate the usual: Chex with Lucky Charms. The coffee machine was still broken.

I met HGTV Magazine editor-in-chief Sara Peterson for lunch in the Hearst cafeteria. It was taco day at the Action Station, which was kind of like having Chipotle without the line or the cold walk across the street. I ordered two chicken tacos with black beans and cheese; Sara hit the Middle Eastern table. It’s a very multi-culti cafeteria. Back at my desk, I was still hungry, so I ate a few handfuls of trail mix, one pack of chewy SweeTarts, and one stick of a Kit Kat bar. I keep a ton of candy in my office for people. My entire filing cabinet — it’s a deep drawer — is full of bags of candy.

I was supposed to meet my friend and former co-worker Gina after work for a drink at Existing Conditions, my brother-in-law’s newish bar, except I arrived to find they were closed for a private party. I saw Dave through the window and he let us have a quick drink (I got a Professor Plum, made with prune-infused bourbon) before we moved on. We tried to get a table at Loring Place, because after a Professor Plum, I was just that bold and irrational. We failed, of course, so Gina suggested Pearl Oyster Bar. It was every bit as perfect as ever. We grabbed a tiny table by the window, ate bowls of New England clam chowder and shared a lobster roll and a pile of shoestring fries while we talked about the good old days in publishing. On nights like this, I feel like I’ve lived in New York forever, and I never want to leave.

See All

Source: http://www.grubstreet.com/2018/12/maile-carpenter-grub-street-diet.html

[daggerzine]

Twin City revolt! A chat with Christian from Minneapolis label mpls ltd.

It was September 2019 and I was at my first Gonerfest in Memphis. I had posted a few pics of the bands I’d seen when a pal from Mpls named Amy messages back, “Oh, my friend Christian is there. You and he should really meet since you’re both huge music fans!” Within the next hour Christian Fritz and I were face to face and chatting music.

Not only did we like a lot of the same bands/labels/scenes (namely Sarah Records, C86, Flying Nun, to name but a few) but he told me that he had a label as well, one called mpls ltd. He was nice enough to send me a bevy of records that he’d released and it was everything from cheery/noisy indie rockers Sass to tripped out freaks like Flavor Crystals and everything in between. Yes, Christian is documenting the varied and talented music scene in the Twin Cities and beyond. Read the interview, check out some of his bands (or all of ‘em) and you may learn a thing or two and discover a new favorite. After all he is “Bringing the sounds of Minneapolis to the world, and the sounds of the world to Minneapolis.”

 When did the music bug first hit you? Was there much music in your house growing up?

It goes back literally as far as I can remember. My mom gave me a Singer tabletop record player that she got with her sewing machine when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old. My dad’s albums were off limits, but he had a box with maybe a couple of hundred ‘60s pop and country 45s that I would play for hours at a time. I used to tell everybody that record player was my best friend which would terrify my parents.

 Do you remember the first record you ever bought?

I grew up in rural Minnesota, and the first two 7”s I bought together with my own money at the local Ben Franklin were John Lennon’s “Nobody Told Me” and Nena’s “99 Luftballoons.”

 First concert? First indie/punk show?

Probably my first live music experience was seeing Billy Joe Royal of “Down in the Boondocks” fame with my family during one of our outings to the Minnesota State Fair at one of the free stages there, but my first real show was seeing Sonic Youth on the Daydream Nation tour at First Avenue when I was 16. It was my first time being in downtown Minneapolis, and the entire experience was mesmerizing for this young rural hillbilly. My friends and I worked our way to the front, and Kim Gordon stomped on my hand when I idiotically tried to reach for her bass pedal mid-set (I totally deserved it and wore that bruise like a badge of honor for days). One of my friends got kicked out for violating First Avenue’s then “stage dive three times and you’re out” policy. While in retrospect I cringe at a lot of my behavior that night, it was also when I finally discovered a world I hoped to be a part of really did exist.

 Tell us about the beginnings of the label, when did it start and why? How did you decide on the name?

For as long as I have been in love with music, I have also wanted to make records. I even remember drawing records with crayons at an early age and trying to figure out a way to make them play (unsuccessfully). When I was in college at Saint Cloud State University in the early ‘90s, I tried my first attempt at starting a label called Timbre and released a 7'' by a local punk band called The Nothingheads. I was contacted by someone in Seattle who said they already had that label name (to this day I have never seen a release), so I changed it to Idyllwise which was a word I made up so that nobody else could take it. Josh Koch from Saint Cloud had moved to Australia and joined the band Patterson’s Curse with Matty Whittle who was in God and Greg Bainbridge who had played with Kim Salmon, so I jumped at the chance to release their debut EP in the States. Future releases were in the works from Minnesota bands Chast and Silver Rocket Band but I really had no idea what I was doing, got in way over my head, and the whole thing fell apart.

Flash forward to 1999: I had been working on my own breakbeat tracks, and decided to surprise some friends and make a professional looking demo by having a 7” pressed. Even though I had no intention of launching a label, I wanted the record to look like it was on one. I was listening to a lot of 70s soul on Philadelphia International at that time, and it occurred to me that I was living in Minneapolis and I didn’t have any money. Hence, “mpls ltd” (Minneapolis Limited) was born.

Although I was involved with a few releases, things didn’t really evolve from “vanity project” to “label” until 2004. My good friend Vince Caro had just finished recording his band Basement Apartment’s latest album “Transistor!” and asked if he could use the mpls ltd name just to have the CD released on a “label.” I asked to hear it first.  We were listening to it in my living room and were probably somewhere around track #5 when I knew I wanted to be involved, and asked if we could partner together on the release. That changed everything.

 Were there other labels out there that influenced you to start a label?

Princeton Minnesota had a short-lived gem of an independent record store when I was in high school called McCarty Music that really didn’t fit the community, but I was so glad it was there for as long as it was. Carolyn who ran the store introduced me to the sounds of many brilliant bands on labels like 4AD, SST, and Touch and Go. Also as soon as we got driver’s licenses, my friends and I would drive from Princeton to Minneapolis just to go to Northern Lights or Let It Be Records any chance we got. I loved how those breathtaking early Sarah Records 7”s all included postcards with pictures from Bristol, and I would also buy anything on Creation that I could get my hands on. The brilliant bands from all over this earth that somehow found their way to Homestead Records before the days of the internet also had a major impact on me, in that “someday I hope I can do this too!”

 How many releases does Mpls Ltd have so far?

52 as of the end of 2020, plus seven 7”s from a short-lived “super split singles club.”

 How did you get the records out to the world in the beginning (and even now)? Distribution?

In addition to my primitive website, I spent a lot of time in the early days pleading with places like Carrot Top and Parasol to carry my releases with mixed results. When Flavor Crystals opened for The Brian Jonestown Massacre on their 2009 US tour, distributors from the UK and Europe started approaching me. Before the Bandcamp era, it felt like my bands could focus on tour sales and I could focus on retail. Now the artists and I discuss how our overall strategy is going to work before we do each release.

 Weirdest/worst review one of your records ever got?

I can’t think of any that were terrible, but there were definitely some that were weird. The most recent one that comes to mind was Razorcake’s review of Partition’s “Prodigal Gun” last year. I was stunned when it was reviewed by Rev. Nørb of Maximum Rocknroll fame, but he talked a lot about how purple the vinyl and artwork was, with quotes: “I personally think this record is somewhat cool because it’s so purple, but I realize your situation might be entirely different”  and “This vinyl is seriously the purplest vinyl I’ve ever seen in my life. Don’t be surprised if they find Barney dead at the bottom of the vinyl vat.” (He did also say “this sounds kinda like a cross between Exene Cervenka and Kathleen Hanna fronting Flipper” which spoke to me.)

 Are all the acts on the label from the Twin Cities or at least Minnesota?

While the label has a stronger Minnesota representation, I’ve released records from bands all over including UK act The Projects whose members included Mira Aroyo of Ladytron, Scotland’s Abagail Grey who was produced by Chris Geddes of Belle & Sebastian and Tony Doogan, and even a 7” from Damo Suzuki of Can.

 How do you explain the plethora of great Twin Cities bands over the years?

The amount of amazing music that comes from here past and present is kind of insane! While the Twin Cities Metro is a large area, it’s also small enough where it’s easy to make friends with people in the music scene here. I moved to Minneapolis in 1995 after doing five years of college radio at KVSC, so I was already a superfan of many local bands including The Hang Ups, Babes in Toyland, and Saucer when I arrived. I never imagined getting to be good friends with some of those members. Witnessing the evolution of Real Numbers, I shouldn’t have been surprised as I was to eventually learn that Eli Hansen is as excited about the whole Sarah Records scene and bands like Felt as I am. I got three original members of The Litter onstage at the Kitty Cat Klub for mpls ltd’s 20th anniversary party in 2019, and I am not sure if I can ever top that.

 Current favorite bands (anywhere…not just local)?

I have been very much into the new albums from Adele & The Chandeliers, Michael Beach, The Boys with the Perpetual Nervousness, Flyying Colours, Moon Coven, and Jane Weaver so far this year. The Baudelaires who played several shows with Flavor Crystals on their Australian tour are finally getting ready to release their next record, and I cannot wait! I bought a ridiculous amount of fantastic new vinyl throughout the pandemic, and I am beyond excited to finally experience live music again.

 Five bands you wish you could release records by (defunct or not)?

Broadcast, Dolly Mixture, The Go-Betweens, Sparks, and Windhand.

 Any advice for other people wanting to start a label?

Always expect the unexpected (for example: the pandemic was additionally terrifying while I was waiting for test pressings of two records as I realized that nobody would be touring or playing any shows for quite some time), trust your instincts, and don’t forget this is supposed to be fun. Things will inevitably get stressful at times, but you will also learn as you go. In the immortal words of Gibby Haynes “it’s better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven’t done.”

 What’s next for the label?

I am expecting test pressings for the new album from Minneapolis sludgegazers Another Heaven any day now, and there is a collaborative effort between Flavor Crystals and The Telescopes in the works.

 www.mplsltd.com

www.facebook.com/mplsltd

Christian and his assistant 

[cryptofeedzposts]

The best gadgets of 2019

Bigger, lighter ultraportable laptops

Cherlynn Low Reviews Editor

Good lord, did laptops get a facelift this year. After all the progress that notebooks as a category made last year, I wasn’t expecting to see much more improvement in 2019. I was wrong. This year, Dell launched a new XPS 13 2-in-1, which my colleague Devindra called the “perfect ultraportable,” and HP released the Elite Dragonfly, which the company markets as “lighter than air.”

No device is actually lighter than air, but this year, mainstream laptops certainly got a whole lot lighter and thinner than before while growing more powerful, without sacrificing battery life. That’s to be expected, after years of incremental improvements, but we also have to give Intel a little credit. Its Project Athena program rolled out this year, spurring the development of more compact, lightweight ultraportables that last all day. Shout out also to the Galaxy Book Flex and Ion, which launched late in the year and proved that Samsung can make gorgeous, super sleek notebooks. And even though the Snapdragon-powered Galaxy Book S didn’t actually arrive in time to make this year’s list, my hands-on with it left me impressed by its lightweight, attractive exterior.

Aided by potent processors like NVIDIA’s Studio products, laptop makers also delivered powerhouse notebooks targeted at creators who need the beef for editing multiple 4K video streams but don’t want gaudy or chunky gaming machines. Acer and ASUS both made devices for these purposes, with the ConceptD and ProArt StudioBook sub-brands respectively. These proved that laptops could pack plenty of muscle without weighing a ton.

But 2019 also saw the arrival of the LG Gram 17 — a surprisingly sleek machine for having a 17-inch screen — and the 15-inch Surface Laptop 3. Apple also released a new 16-inch MacBook Pro, delighting power users and fans of usable keyboards. While these larger laptops still have their flaws, the fact that they’re no longer chunky slabs of metal and plastic is a promising sign of bigger and better to come in 2020 and beyond.

iPhone 11 Pro

Mat Smith Bureau Chief, UK

It’s hard for any smartphone to break out in 2019. Especially in a year where the industry was obsessed with folding gimmicks and a 5G network not ready for prime time. Apple’s iPhone 11 Pro launched with a brighter screen, was predictably faster and has better — and more — cameras. It’s costlier, sure. In fact, it’s Apple’s most expensive phone ever. But it also tackles one of the perennial issues with nearly all smartphones: mediocre battery life.

The 11 Pro Max is a barely noticeable 0.02 inches thicker than the iPhone XS Max, but with that extra space and a new L-shaped battery cell, the latest 11 Pro Max adds roughly four more hours of use compared to its predecessor. My iPhone 11 Pro Max consistently clocks almost two days on a single charge. It’s better than any smartphone I’ve owned in the last few years.

And then there are the cameras. After leading the smartphone camera revolution, a decade ago, Apple has recently lagged behind the competition. With the iPhone 11 Pro, it’s caught up. In fact, the company has arguably reclaimed the top spot. From Deep Fusion, which adds improved textures and detail, to the ultra-wide-angle cameras for squeezing in crowds, landscapes and more, to the improved night shooting mode, the iPhone 11 Pro is on equal photography footing with the Pixel 4 or the Galaxy Note 10.

There are other highlights, too. The 11 Pro phones come with a high-speed USB-C charger (and a USB-C to Lightning cable), making charging considerably faster. It also means I can connect my iPhone to my year-old MacBook Pro’s USB-C ports without a dongle. Instead of having to plug it in overnight, I can charge the iPhone 11 Pro Max to 50 percent in just thirty minutes. Better battery life isn’t the sexiest feature, but it’s never been more appreciated.

Powerful processors and GPUs

Steve Dent Associate Editor

The PC market is no longer moribund, thanks in large part to devices that are more interesting and powerful. That’s certainly true in the gaming and content creation markets, and for that, we can largely thank AMD and NVIDIA. At the same time, we’ve never had so many lightweight but powerful laptops, and we give Intel credit there.

The processor of the year for gaming and content creation is AMD’s $750, 16-core Ryzen 9 3950X. Intel still has the edge in gaming with its Core i9 9900K, sure, and that model is also cheaper at $500. But the Ryzen 9 3950X is really close, and once you switch over to content creation tasks, those eight extra cores let it destroy the 9900K.

Best of all, AMD’s new Ryzen chips have forced Intel to drop prices, making powerful PCs cheaper across the board. For instance, Intel’s 18-core 9980XE launched in 2017 cost a cool $2,000, but its successor, the 18-core 10980XE costs just half of that. That’s because Intel had to react to AMD’s Threadripper 3970X, which has 32 cores and costs $1,999.

Last year, we called out NVIDIA’s RTX 2080 Ti as one of the worst products of 2018, thanks to its high price and abysmal ray-tracing support. To its credit, though, NVIDIA has introduced new features that make its RTX lineup more desirable, particularly the RTX Studio drivers. Those put NVIDIA’s ray tracing to work, speeding up 3D apps like Blender, and making video and photo editing quicker and more stable, too. On top of that, games like Metro Exodus and Control are finally making better use of ray tracing, and we can expect more of the same in 2020.

Intel is losing in the high-end CPU market, but it’s still thumping AMD when it comes to laptops. Devices like Dell’s XPS 13 2-in-1 show that Intel has crammed a ton of power into low-energy, long-lasting devices, with big improvements in on-board graphics. Anyone getting a PC with a 10th-gen Intel CPU will see much better performance than last year’s machines, and we’ll have lots of great notebooks to look forward to next year.

Sonos and IKEA Symfonisk Table Lamp

Igor Bonifacic Contributing Writer

We’ll admit: Sonos and IKEA’s Symfonisk table lamp looks goofy. But get past its unusual appearance and you’ll find one of the most versatile gadgets released this year.

As an affordable entry into the Sonos ecosystem, the Symfonisk lamp has almost everything you could want. Setup via the Sonos app is easy whether you’re adding to an existing sound system or starting from scratch. What’s more, the lamp sounds almost as good as the more expensive Sonos One, which is one of the best speakers you can buy. Best of all, even though it’s not a premium product, Sonos didn’t skimp on features like AirPlay 2 compatibility.

What you won’t find are any microphones onboard for Google Assistant and Alexa support. Some people might prefer this; it’s one less device listening to their conversations. For everyone else, it’s easy enough to integrate the lamp with your existing smart speakers for voice control.

But the Symfonisk lamp isn’t just a good speaker, it’s also a great lamp. Although it uses smaller and less common E12 light bulbs, it still adds a lot of warmth to a room. Its versatility as both a speaker and a lamp means you’ll consistently get a lot of use out of it. Add to that its low price and the Symfonisk lamp is one of those rare collaborations that actually delivers the best of both partner companies.

8BitDo SN30 Pro+

Kris Holt Contributing Writer

The Nintendo Switch is a fantastic system, with great games and unrivaled portability for a console. But its standard controller setup is far from ideal.

Joy-Cons are terrific if you’re hanging out with a friend and want to fire up your Switch for co-op action. But when you have to use both Joy-Cons for a single-player game, particularly one that requires dual thumbsticks, they’re not the most practical. In fact, the right thumbstick is positioned too awkwardly to comfortably use for very long. But thankfully, there are plenty of other options out there.

The Switch Pro Controller is a solid alternative, but I much prefer 8BitDo’s excellent SN30 Pro+. It feels far more natural to hold than Nintendo’s controllers, and I have no problem using it for hours at a time. I love the SNES/DualShock 4 mashup approach to the design, too. I haven’t encountered any significant latency issues, and its compatibility with Android, Raspberry Pi, PC and macOS is a nice bonus. The customization options on the 8BitDo Ultimate Software are also terrific and a boon for accessibility.

The SN30 Pro+ makes the Switch even more of a joy, especially for playing Overwatch or Fortnite on the go. I only wish 8BitDo included a headphone jack for more flexibility, especially for when I dock my Switch and I’m across the room from my TV. Still, the controller is an almost-perfect solution for my Switch setup.

Mixer

Jessica Conditt Senior Editor

Mixer has come a long way in a short time. As recently as last year, we were describing Mixer as “Microsoft’s Twitch rival” in headlines, worried that people wouldn’t recognize the service by name. Today, Mixer has 30 million monthly active users, exclusivity deals with a roster of high-profile streamers and plenty of practice in the tech-news spotlight. Mixer has Ninja. What more needs to be said?

Not only did Mixer steal Tyler “Ninja” Blevins, the world’s most popular streamer, from Twitch in August, but a handful of other popular names have followed suit. This year, Mixer has picked up Cory “King Gothalion” Michael, Michael “Shroud” Grzesiek and Soleil “Ewok” Wheeler, and Twitch has only recently responded with exclusive acquisitions of its own. Of course, the follower counts of Twitch’s most recent members — Benjamin “DrLupo” Lupo, Saqib “LIRIK” Zahid and Timothy “TimTheTatman” Betar — reach 10.73 million combined, while Ninja alone had 14.7 million followers when he ditched Twitch. Ninja racked up more than 1 million followers in his first week on Mixer.

At one point, it seemed as if Twitch was the undisputed, permanent champion of video game streaming, but a handful of moderation missteps and the loss of key personalities this year have left the company vulnerable. Of course, all of the main live-streaming platforms have the backing of massive tech companies — Twitch is owned by Amazon, Mixer is the property of Microsoft and (surprise!) YouTube Gaming is run by Google — so they have significant runway to try new things, fail and try again. But in 2019, Mixer got a lot of steps right and laid the foundation for the service’s continued growth in 2020.

[celtfather]

Why "Celtic Music?" #430

The Irish & Celtic Music Podcast plays Celtic music. But not everyone will agree what that is. I define it…with great Celtic music!

Lilt, Kennedy's Kitchen, Seumas Gagne, A Campo Traviesa, Graham Vincent/David Mitchell, Rising Gael, Farsan, Wilson & McKee, Alexander James Adams, Unquiet Grave, Eamon Friel, Dylan Walshe, Seldom Sober, The Round Table, Songs for Ceilidh, Ciunas

I hope you enjoyed this week's show. If you did, please share the show with ONE friend.

The Irish & Celtic Music Podcast is dedicated to growing our community and helping the incredible artists who so generously share their music. If you find music you love, buy their albums, shirts, and songbooks, follow them on Spotify, see their shows, and drop them an email to let them know you heard them on the Irish and Celtic Music Podcast.

Remember also to Subscribe to the Celtic Music Magazine. Every week, I'll send you a few cool bits of Celtic music news. It's a quick and easy way to plug yourself into more great Celtic culture. Plus, you'll get 34 Celtic MP3s for Free, just for signing up today. Thank you again for being a Celt of Kindness.

VOTE IN THE CELTIC TOP 20 With the new year comes a new votes in the Celtic Top 20. This is our way of finding the best songs and artists each year. Just list the show number, and the name of as many bands in the episode as you like. Your vote helps me create next year's Best Celtic music of 2019 episode.  Vote Now!

THIS WEEK IN CELTIC MUSIC

0:02 - "Return from Fingal / The Unknown Reel / Frankie Kennedy's" by Lilt from X

5:45 - WELCOME

6:38 - "Theresa Kubiak's, The Malbay Shuffle, Are You Ready Yet" by Kennedy's Kitchen from The Whiskey of Truth

10:05 - "O Is Toil Agus Gu Ro Thoil Leam" by Seumas Gagne from Baile Ard O ISH HOL AGUS GU RO HEL LE-UM

13:05 - "The Torn Petticoat / The Pipe on the Hob / The Old Grey Goose (Danzas Tradicionales) (Irlanda)" by A Campo Traviesa from The Kid on the Mountain

17:56 - "Molly Oxford / Hard Times of Old England" by Graham Vincent/David Mitchell from The Preservation of Fire

23:50 - CELTIC FEEDBACK

28:13 - “Black Mountainside” by Rising Gael from IV

31:48 - "The Water Boiling Machine" by Farsan from Farsan

35:58 - "Boggies Bonnie Belle" by Willson & McKee from This Thin Place

40:50 - "Chickies in the House/Napolian's Rant/Duncan's Dance" by Alexander James Adams from Cat & the Fiddle

45:29 - "Bessie Bell and Mary gray" by Unquiet Grave from Ballads of Olde

47:37 - "The Old Songs" by Eamon Friel from Atlantic Light

51:48 - CELTIC PODCAST NEWS

52:40 - WHY “CELTIC MUSIC?”

55:59 - "Blind Is Blind" by Dylan Walshe from All Manner of Ways

59:38 - "The Foggy Dew" by Seldom Sober from Six Months of Confession

1:03:12 - "Here's to the Best" by The Round Table from Tales from the Turning Leaf

1:05:35 - "Cape Cod Girls" by Songs for Ceilidh from Falling Forward

1:07:33 - CLOSING

1:08:50 - "Maid of Culmore" by Ciunas from High Time

The Irish & Celtic Music Podcast was produced by Marc Gunn, The Celtfather. To subscribe, go to Apple Podcasts or to our website where you can become a Patron of the Podcast for as little as $1 per episode. Promote Celtic culture through music at http://celticmusicpodcast.com/.

  CELTIC PODCAST NEWS

* Helping you celebrate Celtic culture through music. My name is Marc Gunn. I am a Celtic musician and podcaster. This show is dedicated to the indie Celtic musicians. I want to ask you to support these artists. Share the show with your friends. And find more episodes at celticmusicpodcast.com. You can also support this podcast on Patreon.

LGBTQ song recommendation

WHY “CELTIC MUSIC?”

Shannon Heaton published an episode called “The C-Word” on her Irish Music Stories podcast.

What is Celtic Music is an article I published on the Irish & Celtic Music Podcast website.

TRAVEL WITH CELTIC INVASION VACATIONS Every year, I take a small group of Celtic music fans on the relaxing adventure of a lifetime. We don't see everything. Instead, we stay in one area. We get to know the region through it's culture, history, and legends. You can join us with an auditory and visual adventure through podcasts and videos. Join the invasion at http://celticinvasion.com/

THANK YOU PATRONS OF THE PODCAST! Because of Your kind and generous support, this show comes out every week and has done so since 2014. You can pledge a dollar or more per episode and cap how much you want to spend each month over on Patreon.

Your generosity funds the creation, promotion and production of the show. It allows us to attract new listeners and to help our community grow. Plus, you get to hear episodes before regular listeners. When we hit a milestone, you get an extra-long episode. We are super close to getting a two-hour instrumental special.

I want to thank our Patrons of the Podcast:

You can become a generous Patron of the Podcast at http://patreon.com/celticpodcast.

  I WANT YOUR FEEDBACK

What are you doing today while listening to the podcast? You can send a written comment along with a picture of what you're doing while listening. Email a voicemail message to celticpodcast@gmail.com

Tara Hierlihy posted on Facebook: "I just discovered this podcast and I love it! I want to suggest a band to you, but their music is hard to find recordings of (because they haven't bothered to record an album yet!) They are Occasional Pudding, from Ottawa Canada. and my husband is the bassist :) search them out on the web!"

Meg Padell posted on Facebook: "Just started listening to latest episode Mark and just wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU for sticking up for female Celtic musicians, women everywhere, and every marginalized group. Keep up the love ?, and always the great tunes??."

Michael Cavanaugh posted on Facebook: "After listening to the opening comments of 418, my wife, Sam, immediately told me to bump up my pledge, and I loved doing it. Keep broadening our horizons, and screw the twits"

Bob Harford posted on Facebook: "Really enjoyed podcast: celtic summer recess. The legendary rock band Traffic also had a great rendition of John Barleycorn. And the historical songs like A Lullabye (For Those Who Died) are one of my favorites -- I looked for the lyrics and couldn't find it though."

Tim O'Connell posted a picture on Facebook: "Love the podcast, Marc – outstanding selection of music including tracks and styles I'd never find on my own! It is my office soundtrack including this morning whilst writing a handout for my students on evolutionary diversification of birds during the Cretaceous Period. Go raibh maith agat!"

Kerry Fergason shared a picture on Facebook: "On a road trip this weekend I discovered that this little guy, named Squirrel, whines unless I am playing your Irish and Celtic music podcast. Thank you Squirrel whisperer! — in Dallas, Texas."

Jessica Villegas emailed: "hello, i do not mean to ask but a long time ago there was a song i heard on one of your podcasts and it was Black Mountain Side or Time or Thyme and there was a female artist on there as well as a fiddle. i am trying to find that song again. thank you and Slainte!"

Thanks Jessica. I’m gonna play a song for you in a moment. You can let me know if this is what you’re looking for. But I should also point out that you can go to the shownotes at celticmusicpodcast.com and use the search feature. Nearly every show is listed there. If you know the song title or band, you should be able to find it. Or do a quick google search for the few lyrics you might know and THEN do a search. Good luck!

#celticmusic #irishmusic #whatiscelticmusic

Check out this episode!

[samanthasroberts]

Review: PicoBrew Pico

Brewing beer is a complex mix of art and science. To make a typical pilsner, for example, barley is malted, milled, then steeped in hot water to create wort, a liquid that smells like the perfect breakfast. Hops are added for bitterness and flavor, then yeast to create complexity and, of course, make alcohol. Carbonation comes from forcing CO2 into the mix, or, with time, it can carbonate naturally, spurred along by feeding extra sugar to the yeast.

PicoBrew Pico

5/10

Learn How We Rate

Wired

It makes beer!

Tired

It’s loud, it’s bulky, and you don’t learn much about brewing.

Buy It Now   |  PicoBrew

How We Rate

1/10A complete failure in every way

2/10Sad, really

3/10Serious flaws; proceed with caution

4/10Downsides outweigh upsides

5/10Recommended with reservations

6/10Solid with some issues

7/10Very good, but not quite great

8/10Excellent, with room to kvetch

9/10Nearly flawless

10/10Metaphysical perfection

Go to a brewery or try it at home and you’ll learn there’s a lot of time and process: heating, cooling, filtering, maturing. There is also cleaning—profound amounts of cleaning.

The brand new Pico from PicoBrew is an $800 home appliance that offers a Keurig-style approach to brewing suds. You pop a prefab “PicoPak” into the machine and make beers from microbreweries all over the country and around the world, along with Pico’s own blends, all right on your countertop. Customers can, say, order PicoPaks to turn out an Abita Turbodog from Louisiana, a wheat beer like Harlem Brewing Company’s Renaissance Wit, or A Little Dinghy Blonde from the Spinnaker Bay Brewery right up the street from my Seattle apartment.

The Pico features impressive technology. Those PicoPaks—sealed white paperboard boxes containing brewing ingredients—are recognized by the machine upon insertion, and each one is treated differently depending on what it is. That creation of wort is an automated and tailored to the individual beer. If you’re an avid fan of regional microbreweries, it’s like having the ability to tap a keg 3,000 miles away. Breweries that partner with PicoBrew can connect with faraway fans that they might not be able to reach otherwise.

It sounds enticing but in terms of use beyond just a couple of batches, I think it appeals to a fairly narrow demographic.

To qualify, you will need to tick off as many of the following boxes as possible:

Be a beer fanatic

Live in a remote area with no microbreweries or selection of good beer nearby

Have $800 to blow on a beer machine

Be fairly uninterested in the ins and outs of making beer

Not mind waiting a week or more for the beer to be ready to drink

Have a man cave or similar secluded area for brewing

Own a reverse osmosis machine (preferably)

Enjoy cleaning

When I first fired up the machine, I thought of how cool it would be to quaff a beer poured from the keg that night. After all, PicoBrew’s video says it “Brews in 2 hours,” which is a definition of “brewing” that excludes things like yeast, carbonation and, importantly, beer at the end of those two hours.

There’s certainly a moment where you hit a button and the machine starts whirring and the display reads “PREPARING TO BREW,” but it’s the kind of thing that will leave you much less frustrated if you read through the manual once before you take anything else out of the packaging. (I botched my first batch for not reading closely enough. My fault.) It turns out that, depending on the beer you’re making and the process you choose, it takes a lot longer than that.

In that spirit, since different beers have different requirements, I wished that each PicoPak came with a scroll-shaped flow chart to illustrate the time involved in each step and the materials—both included and not included—that you’ll need. I had to make a couple of last-minute grocery store runs: once for distilled water for brewing and again, later in the same brewing cycle, for hydrogen peroxide to clean out a serving keg.

I brought in my friend Dave to help because he’s a user experience researcher by day and homebrewer and beer lover the rest of the time. Together, we worked through the entire brewing process methodically.

First Draft

The Pico is a large appliance (easily more than twice the size of any other appliance in my kitchen) where you put the PicoPak, along with a sidecar pack of hops. The packs are compostable and look like they’re from Aunt Beru’s kitchen in Star Wars. The Pico heats distilled water or water that’s been run through a reverse osmosis process, and runs it through the packs creating the wort, which it transfers it to a “brewing keg” that sits on the counter next to the Pico. The wort cools overnight in the keg, then gets a sprinkling of yeast which, depending on which beer you’re working with, the method used, the ambient temperature, and if the beer being made requires dry hop packets, means you’ll need to wait several days if not a couple weeks before you have something to drink.

Saying ‘I made homebrew’ with beer from the Pico made me feel like a bit of a faker.

Dave and I had planned on playing cribbage and eating lunch while the Pico did its thing, but once we hit the “Brew” button and the machine got cranked up, the volume was somewhere between that of a fish tank pump and an air compressor.

“It’s like living near the airport,” Dave said on our way up to play cards on the roof.

“How about doing it nowhere?” my wife would ask, echoing a famous New Yorker cartoon, when I went to make a batch a few days later. “Would nowhere work?”

Up on the roof, I asked Dave if he’d keep a Pico in his kitchen.

“I would,” he said, “but I’d be asked to move it.”

Small Change

Over lunch we did some back-of-napkin math to figure out the economics of a PicoPak, and found the cost by volume between microbrew and Pico beer are roughly competitive. You end up with about a gallon and a half of beer from every PicoPak, which costs between $20-30, plus, let’s say, $3 to $5 or so for the distilled water and cleaning supplies each batch needs. A growler is half a gallon, so that’s around $10-15 per growler for the Pico, compared to going to a Seattle brewery where growlers go for $8-15.

“Real homebrew math is harder,” Dave joked. “Those are five-gallon batches.”

“Five gallons of beer doesn’t seem like a problem,” I said.

“It’s not,” he confirmed.

I called Darren McKee at Seattle’s Sound Homebrew Supply who helped me compare the whole PicoBrew setup versus what you’d need for homebrewing. He told me that a high-end five-gallon homebrew setup costs about $500, and grain kits for individual beers cost $35-50. So that’s up to five clams per growler, but it’s homebrewing, so a more hands-on process.

Dave went home beer-less and I let the brewing keg we’d been working with cool overnight then, the following day, added a yeast packet to the wort. Once the yeast had worked its magic, I used the Pico to transfer beer from the burly brewing keg to a flimsy serving keg, a process called racking. I pushed a CO2 cartridge connected to a regulator valve into the top, pressurized the serving keg and … was only 36 hours from drinking a beer.

Neat freaks might get particularly excited here. I learned as I brewed that every step of the path involves cleaning, some of it extensive. You’ll also need large quantities of hydrogen peroxide, powdered dish detergent, and a 17-millimeter wrench. If you’re like me, you’ll need to run to the store or order all of these things to keep the ball rolling. You’ll have a host of bits and bobs like little O-rings, and conical springs to keep track of and clean. (Tucking a few extras in the box would be a welcome addition.) The furnished cleaning implements for these is, of all things, a pair of oversized pipe cleaners; they’re fine when you’re scrubbing out the interior of a keg post, but near-comical in their uselessness while trying to clean the inside of either of the kegs.

Taste Test

Days later, once it was all done, it was still exciting to try the beer. After my user error with the first batch, a keg of Lucky Envelope Brewing’s Mosaic IPA came out tasting fantastic, with that great fresh-beer flavor, and a surprisingly lovely texture. I also made Pico Pils, the company’s in-house pilsner which turned out mysteriously cloudy but tasty. A batch of Harlem Brewing Company’s wheat beer came out well, though a little flat, for the first two thirds of the keg, but the bottom third was way too cloudy and smelled like it would give me a headache, so I dumped it.

The breweries provide their recipes to PicoBrew, which figures out how to make it work with the Pico, but if I owned Harlem Brewing Company, I’d want to protect my brand more carefully; this is clearly not what they’re serving on 125th Street.

So I enjoyed the beer, but I struggled with the idea that despite being integral to the beer-making process, I hadn’t learned a thing about brewing. Saying “I made homebrew” with beer from the Pico made me feel like a bit of a faker.

There is clearly a lot of thought that went into making the Pico work and despite my misgivings, it’s an impressive machine—it makes beer! For the right, deep-pocketed person with most of those criteria listed above, it might be nice to try microbrews that they couldn’t get their hands on otherwise, but considering the effort you need to make, why not go all the way and try homebrewing? Or, if you have consistent, reasonably easy access to whatever it is that you consider to be decent beer, pick up a six-pack at the grocery store or go support your favorite local brewery.

Food writer Joe Ray (@joe_diner) is a Lowell Thomas Travel Journalist of The Year, a restaurant critic, and author of “Sea and Smoke” with chef Blaine Wetzel.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/review-picobrew-pico/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/review-picobrew-pico/

[adambstingus]

Review: PicoBrew Pico

Brewing beer is a complex mix of art and science. To make a typical pilsner, for example, barley is malted, milled, then steeped in hot water to create wort, a liquid that smells like the perfect breakfast. Hops are added for bitterness and flavor, then yeast to create complexity and, of course, make alcohol. Carbonation comes from forcing CO2 into the mix, or, with time, it can carbonate naturally, spurred along by feeding extra sugar to the yeast.

PicoBrew Pico

5/10

Learn How We Rate

Wired

It makes beer!

Tired

It’s loud, it’s bulky, and you don’t learn much about brewing.

Buy It Now   |  PicoBrew

How We Rate

1/10A complete failure in every way

2/10Sad, really

3/10Serious flaws; proceed with caution

4/10Downsides outweigh upsides

5/10Recommended with reservations

6/10Solid with some issues

7/10Very good, but not quite great

8/10Excellent, with room to kvetch

9/10Nearly flawless

10/10Metaphysical perfection

Go to a brewery or try it at home and you’ll learn there’s a lot of time and process: heating, cooling, filtering, maturing. There is also cleaning—profound amounts of cleaning.

The brand new Pico from PicoBrew is an $800 home appliance that offers a Keurig-style approach to brewing suds. You pop a prefab “PicoPak” into the machine and make beers from microbreweries all over the country and around the world, along with Pico’s own blends, all right on your countertop. Customers can, say, order PicoPaks to turn out an Abita Turbodog from Louisiana, a wheat beer like Harlem Brewing Company’s Renaissance Wit, or A Little Dinghy Blonde from the Spinnaker Bay Brewery right up the street from my Seattle apartment.

The Pico features impressive technology. Those PicoPaks—sealed white paperboard boxes containing brewing ingredients—are recognized by the machine upon insertion, and each one is treated differently depending on what it is. That creation of wort is an automated and tailored to the individual beer. If you’re an avid fan of regional microbreweries, it’s like having the ability to tap a keg 3,000 miles away. Breweries that partner with PicoBrew can connect with faraway fans that they might not be able to reach otherwise.

It sounds enticing but in terms of use beyond just a couple of batches, I think it appeals to a fairly narrow demographic.

To qualify, you will need to tick off as many of the following boxes as possible:

Be a beer fanatic

Live in a remote area with no microbreweries or selection of good beer nearby

Have $800 to blow on a beer machine

Be fairly uninterested in the ins and outs of making beer

Not mind waiting a week or more for the beer to be ready to drink

Have a man cave or similar secluded area for brewing

Own a reverse osmosis machine (preferably)

Enjoy cleaning

When I first fired up the machine, I thought of how cool it would be to quaff a beer poured from the keg that night. After all, PicoBrew’s video says it “Brews in 2 hours,” which is a definition of “brewing” that excludes things like yeast, carbonation and, importantly, beer at the end of those two hours.

There’s certainly a moment where you hit a button and the machine starts whirring and the display reads “PREPARING TO BREW,” but it’s the kind of thing that will leave you much less frustrated if you read through the manual once before you take anything else out of the packaging. (I botched my first batch for not reading closely enough. My fault.) It turns out that, depending on the beer you’re making and the process you choose, it takes a lot longer than that.

In that spirit, since different beers have different requirements, I wished that each PicoPak came with a scroll-shaped flow chart to illustrate the time involved in each step and the materials—both included and not included—that you’ll need. I had to make a couple of last-minute grocery store runs: once for distilled water for brewing and again, later in the same brewing cycle, for hydrogen peroxide to clean out a serving keg.

I brought in my friend Dave to help because he’s a user experience researcher by day and homebrewer and beer lover the rest of the time. Together, we worked through the entire brewing process methodically.

First Draft

The Pico is a large appliance (easily more than twice the size of any other appliance in my kitchen) where you put the PicoPak, along with a sidecar pack of hops. The packs are compostable and look like they’re from Aunt Beru’s kitchen in Star Wars. The Pico heats distilled water or water that’s been run through a reverse osmosis process, and runs it through the packs creating the wort, which it transfers it to a “brewing keg” that sits on the counter next to the Pico. The wort cools overnight in the keg, then gets a sprinkling of yeast which, depending on which beer you’re working with, the method used, the ambient temperature, and if the beer being made requires dry hop packets, means you’ll need to wait several days if not a couple weeks before you have something to drink.

Saying ‘I made homebrew’ with beer from the Pico made me feel like a bit of a faker.

Dave and I had planned on playing cribbage and eating lunch while the Pico did its thing, but once we hit the “Brew” button and the machine got cranked up, the volume was somewhere between that of a fish tank pump and an air compressor.

“It’s like living near the airport,” Dave said on our way up to play cards on the roof.

“How about doing it nowhere?” my wife would ask, echoing a famous New Yorker cartoon, when I went to make a batch a few days later. “Would nowhere work?”

Up on the roof, I asked Dave if he’d keep a Pico in his kitchen.

“I would,” he said, “but I’d be asked to move it.”

Small Change

Over lunch we did some back-of-napkin math to figure out the economics of a PicoPak, and found the cost by volume between microbrew and Pico beer are roughly competitive. You end up with about a gallon and a half of beer from every PicoPak, which costs between $20-30, plus, let’s say, $3 to $5 or so for the distilled water and cleaning supplies each batch needs. A growler is half a gallon, so that’s around $10-15 per growler for the Pico, compared to going to a Seattle brewery where growlers go for $8-15.

“Real homebrew math is harder,” Dave joked. “Those are five-gallon batches.”

“Five gallons of beer doesn’t seem like a problem,” I said.

“It’s not,” he confirmed.

I called Darren McKee at Seattle’s Sound Homebrew Supply who helped me compare the whole PicoBrew setup versus what you’d need for homebrewing. He told me that a high-end five-gallon homebrew setup costs about $500, and grain kits for individual beers cost $35-50. So that’s up to five clams per growler, but it’s homebrewing, so a more hands-on process.

Dave went home beer-less and I let the brewing keg we’d been working with cool overnight then, the following day, added a yeast packet to the wort. Once the yeast had worked its magic, I used the Pico to transfer beer from the burly brewing keg to a flimsy serving keg, a process called racking. I pushed a CO2 cartridge connected to a regulator valve into the top, pressurized the serving keg and … was only 36 hours from drinking a beer.

Neat freaks might get particularly excited here. I learned as I brewed that every step of the path involves cleaning, some of it extensive. You’ll also need large quantities of hydrogen peroxide, powdered dish detergent, and a 17-millimeter wrench. If you’re like me, you’ll need to run to the store or order all of these things to keep the ball rolling. You’ll have a host of bits and bobs like little O-rings, and conical springs to keep track of and clean. (Tucking a few extras in the box would be a welcome addition.) The furnished cleaning implements for these is, of all things, a pair of oversized pipe cleaners; they’re fine when you’re scrubbing out the interior of a keg post, but near-comical in their uselessness while trying to clean the inside of either of the kegs.

Taste Test

Days later, once it was all done, it was still exciting to try the beer. After my user error with the first batch, a keg of Lucky Envelope Brewing’s Mosaic IPA came out tasting fantastic, with that great fresh-beer flavor, and a surprisingly lovely texture. I also made Pico Pils, the company’s in-house pilsner which turned out mysteriously cloudy but tasty. A batch of Harlem Brewing Company’s wheat beer came out well, though a little flat, for the first two thirds of the keg, but the bottom third was way too cloudy and smelled like it would give me a headache, so I dumped it.

The breweries provide their recipes to PicoBrew, which figures out how to make it work with the Pico, but if I owned Harlem Brewing Company, I’d want to protect my brand more carefully; this is clearly not what they’re serving on 125th Street.

So I enjoyed the beer, but I struggled with the idea that despite being integral to the beer-making process, I hadn’t learned a thing about brewing. Saying “I made homebrew” with beer from the Pico made me feel like a bit of a faker.

There is clearly a lot of thought that went into making the Pico work and despite my misgivings, it’s an impressive machine—it makes beer! For the right, deep-pocketed person with most of those criteria listed above, it might be nice to try microbrews that they couldn’t get their hands on otherwise, but considering the effort you need to make, why not go all the way and try homebrewing? Or, if you have consistent, reasonably easy access to whatever it is that you consider to be decent beer, pick up a six-pack at the grocery store or go support your favorite local brewery.

Food writer Joe Ray (@joe_diner) is a Lowell Thomas Travel Journalist of The Year, a restaurant critic, and author of “Sea and Smoke” with chef Blaine Wetzel.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/review-picobrew-pico/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183441197687

[allofbeercom]

Review: PicoBrew Pico

Brewing beer is a complex mix of art and science. To make a typical pilsner, for example, barley is malted, milled, then steeped in hot water to create wort, a liquid that smells like the perfect breakfast. Hops are added for bitterness and flavor, then yeast to create complexity and, of course, make alcohol. Carbonation comes from forcing CO2 into the mix, or, with time, it can carbonate naturally, spurred along by feeding extra sugar to the yeast.

PicoBrew Pico

5/10

Learn How We Rate

Wired

It makes beer!

Tired

It’s loud, it’s bulky, and you don’t learn much about brewing.

Buy It Now   |  PicoBrew

How We Rate

1/10A complete failure in every way

2/10Sad, really

3/10Serious flaws; proceed with caution

4/10Downsides outweigh upsides

5/10Recommended with reservations

6/10Solid with some issues

7/10Very good, but not quite great

8/10Excellent, with room to kvetch

9/10Nearly flawless

10/10Metaphysical perfection

Go to a brewery or try it at home and you’ll learn there’s a lot of time and process: heating, cooling, filtering, maturing. There is also cleaning—profound amounts of cleaning.

The brand new Pico from PicoBrew is an $800 home appliance that offers a Keurig-style approach to brewing suds. You pop a prefab “PicoPak” into the machine and make beers from microbreweries all over the country and around the world, along with Pico’s own blends, all right on your countertop. Customers can, say, order PicoPaks to turn out an Abita Turbodog from Louisiana, a wheat beer like Harlem Brewing Company’s Renaissance Wit, or A Little Dinghy Blonde from the Spinnaker Bay Brewery right up the street from my Seattle apartment.

The Pico features impressive technology. Those PicoPaks—sealed white paperboard boxes containing brewing ingredients—are recognized by the machine upon insertion, and each one is treated differently depending on what it is. That creation of wort is an automated and tailored to the individual beer. If you’re an avid fan of regional microbreweries, it’s like having the ability to tap a keg 3,000 miles away. Breweries that partner with PicoBrew can connect with faraway fans that they might not be able to reach otherwise.

It sounds enticing but in terms of use beyond just a couple of batches, I think it appeals to a fairly narrow demographic.

To qualify, you will need to tick off as many of the following boxes as possible:

Be a beer fanatic

Live in a remote area with no microbreweries or selection of good beer nearby

Have $800 to blow on a beer machine

Be fairly uninterested in the ins and outs of making beer

Not mind waiting a week or more for the beer to be ready to drink

Have a man cave or similar secluded area for brewing

Own a reverse osmosis machine (preferably)

Enjoy cleaning

When I first fired up the machine, I thought of how cool it would be to quaff a beer poured from the keg that night. After all, PicoBrew’s video says it “Brews in 2 hours,” which is a definition of “brewing” that excludes things like yeast, carbonation and, importantly, beer at the end of those two hours.

There’s certainly a moment where you hit a button and the machine starts whirring and the display reads “PREPARING TO BREW,” but it’s the kind of thing that will leave you much less frustrated if you read through the manual once before you take anything else out of the packaging. (I botched my first batch for not reading closely enough. My fault.) It turns out that, depending on the beer you’re making and the process you choose, it takes a lot longer than that.

In that spirit, since different beers have different requirements, I wished that each PicoPak came with a scroll-shaped flow chart to illustrate the time involved in each step and the materials—both included and not included—that you’ll need. I had to make a couple of last-minute grocery store runs: once for distilled water for brewing and again, later in the same brewing cycle, for hydrogen peroxide to clean out a serving keg.

I brought in my friend Dave to help because he’s a user experience researcher by day and homebrewer and beer lover the rest of the time. Together, we worked through the entire brewing process methodically.

First Draft

The Pico is a large appliance (easily more than twice the size of any other appliance in my kitchen) where you put the PicoPak, along with a sidecar pack of hops. The packs are compostable and look like they’re from Aunt Beru’s kitchen in Star Wars. The Pico heats distilled water or water that’s been run through a reverse osmosis process, and runs it through the packs creating the wort, which it transfers it to a “brewing keg” that sits on the counter next to the Pico. The wort cools overnight in the keg, then gets a sprinkling of yeast which, depending on which beer you’re working with, the method used, the ambient temperature, and if the beer being made requires dry hop packets, means you’ll need to wait several days if not a couple weeks before you have something to drink.

Saying ‘I made homebrew’ with beer from the Pico made me feel like a bit of a faker.

Dave and I had planned on playing cribbage and eating lunch while the Pico did its thing, but once we hit the “Brew” button and the machine got cranked up, the volume was somewhere between that of a fish tank pump and an air compressor.

“It’s like living near the airport,” Dave said on our way up to play cards on the roof.

“How about doing it nowhere?” my wife would ask, echoing a famous New Yorker cartoon, when I went to make a batch a few days later. “Would nowhere work?”

Up on the roof, I asked Dave if he’d keep a Pico in his kitchen.

“I would,” he said, “but I’d be asked to move it.”

Small Change

Over lunch we did some back-of-napkin math to figure out the economics of a PicoPak, and found the cost by volume between microbrew and Pico beer are roughly competitive. You end up with about a gallon and a half of beer from every PicoPak, which costs between $20-30, plus, let’s say, $3 to $5 or so for the distilled water and cleaning supplies each batch needs. A growler is half a gallon, so that’s around $10-15 per growler for the Pico, compared to going to a Seattle brewery where growlers go for $8-15.

“Real homebrew math is harder,” Dave joked. “Those are five-gallon batches.”

“Five gallons of beer doesn’t seem like a problem,” I said.

“It’s not,” he confirmed.

I called Darren McKee at Seattle’s Sound Homebrew Supply who helped me compare the whole PicoBrew setup versus what you’d need for homebrewing. He told me that a high-end five-gallon homebrew setup costs about $500, and grain kits for individual beers cost $35-50. So that’s up to five clams per growler, but it’s homebrewing, so a more hands-on process.

Dave went home beer-less and I let the brewing keg we’d been working with cool overnight then, the following day, added a yeast packet to the wort. Once the yeast had worked its magic, I used the Pico to transfer beer from the burly brewing keg to a flimsy serving keg, a process called racking. I pushed a CO2 cartridge connected to a regulator valve into the top, pressurized the serving keg and … was only 36 hours from drinking a beer.

Neat freaks might get particularly excited here. I learned as I brewed that every step of the path involves cleaning, some of it extensive. You’ll also need large quantities of hydrogen peroxide, powdered dish detergent, and a 17-millimeter wrench. If you’re like me, you’ll need to run to the store or order all of these things to keep the ball rolling. You’ll have a host of bits and bobs like little O-rings, and conical springs to keep track of and clean. (Tucking a few extras in the box would be a welcome addition.) The furnished cleaning implements for these is, of all things, a pair of oversized pipe cleaners; they’re fine when you’re scrubbing out the interior of a keg post, but near-comical in their uselessness while trying to clean the inside of either of the kegs.

Taste Test

Days later, once it was all done, it was still exciting to try the beer. After my user error with the first batch, a keg of Lucky Envelope Brewing’s Mosaic IPA came out tasting fantastic, with that great fresh-beer flavor, and a surprisingly lovely texture. I also made Pico Pils, the company’s in-house pilsner which turned out mysteriously cloudy but tasty. A batch of Harlem Brewing Company’s wheat beer came out well, though a little flat, for the first two thirds of the keg, but the bottom third was way too cloudy and smelled like it would give me a headache, so I dumped it.

The breweries provide their recipes to PicoBrew, which figures out how to make it work with the Pico, but if I owned Harlem Brewing Company, I’d want to protect my brand more carefully; this is clearly not what they’re serving on 125th Street.

So I enjoyed the beer, but I struggled with the idea that despite being integral to the beer-making process, I hadn’t learned a thing about brewing. Saying “I made homebrew” with beer from the Pico made me feel like a bit of a faker.

There is clearly a lot of thought that went into making the Pico work and despite my misgivings, it’s an impressive machine—it makes beer! For the right, deep-pocketed person with most of those criteria listed above, it might be nice to try microbrews that they couldn’t get their hands on otherwise, but considering the effort you need to make, why not go all the way and try homebrewing? Or, if you have consistent, reasonably easy access to whatever it is that you consider to be decent beer, pick up a six-pack at the grocery store or go support your favorite local brewery.

Food writer Joe Ray (@joe_diner) is a Lowell Thomas Travel Journalist of The Year, a restaurant critic, and author of “Sea and Smoke” with chef Blaine Wetzel.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/review-picobrew-pico/