#genuinely not super happy w this but im done working on it Lmao

[craterteeth]

Back OFF

[sage-lights]

hello, this is the final update from the sword af closure anon that has also been on a dread journey. things have been so stressful at work so i haven't had time, but decided to spend the past 2 days just watching smosh vs zombies. and it's perfect.

dread, i love u. smosh and shortform ttrpgs, u were made for each other. 😔💔 i love dread. it's got EVERYTHING- queer coded courtney, queer coded amanda, amanda having palpable tension w spencer, spencer misogyny but for haha hehe, and the return of reuben?? WHAT MORE COULD A GIRL WANT??

even the recent sponsored dread- that was so silly goofy- arasha lalani in ttrpgs is so fun, fresh, innovative, and sexy. arasha pretending she knows what afk is? iconic, showstopping, genius, brilliant, life-changing. trevor being a brooding leader despite being the silliest goose in the pond? an awe- inspiring choice. trevarts from hezekiah's beautiful ur mind is sooooo vast i wanna know how it works.

idh anything smart or retrospective to say other than dread was such a good and fun series that filled a void for me. and i also enjoyed george's smosh mouth episode! glad to know he cared ab sword af, too!

i do agree w you though that i'd love to see more gms on dread other than george, but i do really like him! i'd actually love to see aabria iyengar on it! ik she did something w smosh during the pandemic but she's such a delight and i'm genuinely so fatigued by smosh's videos lineups lately being SO man-heavy because i think arasha and angela should be in EVERY video. any time it's all boys, it de-yassifies trevor and i hate it. but anyways, yes, aabria. smosh is also in DESPERATE need for more than one woman of color in a room at a time. (unrelated: idk why no one wants this as much as i do or at least no one's talked about it- i know that she's white but elyse willems and angela NEED to do a video together. i NEED it. elyse is delightful, even tho she's white lmao im kidding i love white ppl 💖😬🤭)

whoever on smosh games pitched dread deserves to get their ass ate. not by me but by someone who'll do it.

hello again!! happy to hear from you 🤗 i'm really glad you're liking dread and decided to give it a shot! smosh vs zombies was super duper fun, but i think aliens could've been longer and they could've explored the world more. i think three eps is a good length for dread. i haven't watched the sponsored dread all the way through because i haven't had time and i kept missing details and rewinding it. but i hope to finish it soon!

love george!!! he's hella fun as a dm and is a wonderful story teller. and yes, it was nice to know he was involved and supportive of saf! AABRIA WOULD BE WONDERFUL (you also just gave me new info to update my agcu with LOL because i didn't know she'd been on smosh before)!

i don't know much about elyse and james willems besides what they've done on smosh, but i'm manifesting elyse and angela for you 🫶🫶🫶

[starlightkun]

lmao i saw this on my dash and was wondering if you felt this way

https://www.tumblr.com/16woodsequ/727490027584667648?source=share

cause you rarely write drabbles, everything you write is like full fic length and takes longer and i see you posting little progress updates and little notes about each fic without spoiling. as someone who likes to talk (may or may not be the adhd idk) i cant imagine being in your position like WEREWOLF SUNGCHAN! EXISTS! IN MY MIND! AND ON THIS DOCUMENT THAT YOU CANT SEE! BUT HE'S REAL!! HE'S REAL TO ME!! like how do you do it? having no one to scream to about your fics when you're writing? and having to wait until its completed and uploaded to have people to talk about it with? like especially with all the crack fics you're writing atm, i would be BURNING with the need to show people how funny your writing is

p.s. medication update: im going to switch from methylphenidate to dexamphetamine tmr because apparently im intolerant to ritalin and i think you're on dexamphetamine rn? im hoping that i see some benefits from it. btw your success is keeping some of my spirit and motivation up despite how abysmal ritalin was for me so thank you for posting about how Adderall was for you i really appreciate having someone experiencing meds alongside me 🫶🏻

-✨anon

link

LMAO sometimes that's me and sometimes i'm writing and i'm like "im never letting another living human see this abomination im writing rn this is the worst thing i've ever written and the only penance for what i've done is to throw myself off a cliffside" like there is no in between im either SO EXCITED FOR IT AND ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT AND AM SO AKSEGKJHKJGKTR or i think it's awful and consider deleting it almost immediately after like this scene for changer2 im writing rn like literally as i got this ask (im not gonna delete it but she is gonna b HEAVILY EDITED)

it's fr so hard having werewolf sungchan AND hockey player sungchan BOTH IN MY MIND RN LIKE 🤪 screams everyday i put on my uniform to go fight in the idgaf war on the side of gaf 🫡🫡🤪🤪🫡🤪🫡🤪🤪🤣🤣🫡🤪🤪🫡 lest we also not forget that single dad kun is in here too and some other fellas that yall dont know abt like its soooooo bad in here for me

sometimes i contemplate posting random one-liners or snippets when i write things that make me teehee extra hard or r like rlly 🔥🔥🚨🚨🚨 but i always get worried about spoilers versus teasers soooo i keep it locked away all to myself and maybe go a lil crazy idk who's to say so i do more vague type stuff like talking about how there's a 2.6k makeout scene without posting any actual lines from it, or saying that one of my favorite character bits that i think is genuinely super funny is in dr. magic but not saying what it is, etc., etc., OR also doing ask games like word in a wip where y'all can try to get some lil snippets from me (which i feel i am always very generous with lol)

p.s. to ur p.s.: very happy to hear that you're getting switched off the meds that weren't working for you! i'm on "amphetamine salts" (generic adderall) which is a combo of dextroamphetamine and levoamphetamine, but pretty much yeah it's the big one in the amphetamine class of adhd meds. it has a sightly different effect than dextroamphetamine alone since it has levoamphetamine as well, which lasts longer and can produce better results in some people (pls go w ur dr on this im not giving medical advice omg just what i learned in my psych classes and the information i've been given). i actually just saw my dr today to check in on how i was doing on the adderall (reg check-up appt). i was rlly worried bc the initial good results i saw in the first days were practically gone after like the first week and i was practically back to normal (i.e., bad. my kitchen is a fucking mess again) and when i told him that he was like "lol that's fine! that was just the trial dose! so we can up you to a normal dose now since you saw good results at first" so hopefully i'll be functioning again 👍 so i love this for us 🫶 rooting for us 🫶🫶

[sungbeam]

BFF I’M BACK LITRALLY THE DAY AFTER AND BOY DO I HAVE UPDATES FOR YOU 🤭🤭🤭

1. I STARTED OUTLINING AND DRAFTING MY FIRST FIC EHEHEHE AND SUPER EXCITED TO START WRITING IT 🤭

2. I FINISHED READING [REDACTED] AND I THOUGHT ABT THE MOST HEART WRENCHING, TUMMY CHURNING, EYE BAWLING PLOT AND TBH IF I DO GET SO INCLINED TO STICK WITH IT THEN IT MIGHT COME OUT BEFORE THE FIRST THOUGHT OF FIC LMAO

3. I NEED TO KNOW ABT ‘A STUDY IN MONSTERS’ RIGHT NEOWWWWW 😫🙏 CAUSE I JUST THOUGHT OF LIKE 5 DIFFERENT GENRES BASED OFF THE VIBES/p

Ok time for a more calmer vibe LMAO

For the first fic I genuinely think that any member would be suitable for the ML? And so I decided to let you (my fav author and parasocial bestie) to bequeath which member this fic shall belong to 🤭 (uhhhh spoilers/insight: dream realm(?) but not in a soulmate way, angst, possibly abrupt/open ending but also happy in a way, v fluffy moments at the same time tho, manic pixie dream boy???)

And finally after adoring the movie I decided to go read [redacted] and LORD WHY DID IT HURT 39475629 TIMES AS MUCH AS THE MOVIE LIKE

Movie: light work, no reaction

Book: oUUuU, okay, its got a lil kick 😨

But I got an au perfectly inspired by this in a modern retelling typa way ig SPOILER ALERT THERE IS A LOVE CORNER, CHANHEE AND SANGYEON OR YOUNGHOON(???) we WILL be getting a lil Kevin up in here tho TRUST

And tbh it could go in 2 different directions rn but I’ll have to see which one will get a conclusive ending but the vision is definitely there dw

And DAMNNNNNN I didn’t know there were so many WIPs/nm/p like I know I got a lil snippet of 3 in the past but with each drop of a new WIP I get even more excited 😭 just seeing your creative process is motivating to me lolol and the banners AHHHHHHHH IT REALLY DID GIVE “graphic design is my passion 🤭” YUHHH YUHHHH

but wait also looking at the list again I wanna see more into the ‘bones (orig.)’ and ‘bones (remixed)’ 😳

OH AND BEFORE I FORGET TO MENTIONNNNNNN that Spiderman!Sunwoo and Spiderman!Eric did have me REEEEEEELINGGGGG esp since I finally got the chance to watch across the spiderverse PHEWWWW Spiderman!Eric is just so cheeky, so himbo, so smoochable like damn I do think he is capable of wanting to attempt the Toby Maguire upside-down kiss but then getting too nervous/excited/antsy that he lets go of his web and crashes on the ground AJNDJBVINWI

AND SUNWOO AS STARLORD WOULD ALSO WORK CAUSE HE REALLY HAS THAT SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR THING GOING ON and then his cheesyness too omg I think Sunwoo is perfectly corny to be starlord 😫🤞

AND ALSO MY ATEEZ BIAS ISSSSSSSSSSSSSS -drumroll please- 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Wooyoung! 🥳🥳🥳

He’s just so sweet and caring and hot and beautiful and hardworking and loving and he’s so, he’s so, he’s so- ☹️☹️☹️☹️

Yeah, I love Woo with my whole being 😔🙏

Kk that’s it for nowwwwww talk to you soon!

- Toodles!, 🌷anon 

HI BEST FRAN WELCOME BACK 🤩✊🏼

OMG THE DRAFTING HAS BEGUN???? LESGO????? I AM SO EXCITED FOR U AND SUPER EXCITED ALSO TO SEE UR JOURNEY AND THE FINAL OUTCOME 👀✨

HELLO WAIT what is [REDACTED] 🤨 i need to know for research purposes and cuz im a nosy mfker and cuz i also scoured thru our prev interactions and don't think we talked abt it previously 🤨

AHHHHSHAHHAHAH A STUDY IN MONSTERS IS COMING RIGHT UP !!

ITS LIKE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST BUT EVERYBODY'S A BEAST ???? well, the main cast is all considered some kind of "monster," but ofc, the real monsters r the humans who have belittled them and villainized them. but reader basically has like,,, medusa powers??? and chanhee has like a demon trapped inside him and younghoon is like fae but THE SCARY fae you feel??? but any who, i've gotten some back story done and it's not meant to become like a 30k one shot or anything; i was trying to aim for it to be kind of like the length of simple gifts, but we'll see where i go w it !!

OKAY BUT WAIT U SHOULD TELL ME WHAT U THOUGHT OF WHEN U SAW THE TITLE CUZ IM VERY CURIOUS !!

okok i have so much to say abt the next part of ur ask 😭😭 1.) BEQUEATH 💀💀💀💀 2.) hello stop that rn flattery will get u everything u desire 🤧😌 3.) MANIC PIXIE DREAM BOY AHAH OMG IM SO HYPED 4.) eric, juyeon sounds abt right 😻😻

OKAY BUT LIKE books > their movie adaptations tbh lsnfkenfk there is so much that books can show that movies can't, and also vice versa !! but WTF DYM BY LOVE CORNER (´Д⊂ヽ GIRLIE BESTIE HONEY WHAT IS A LOVE CORNER 😭😭😭 w chanhee sangyeon younghoon AND beloved kevin too???? my /guy/ do u want me to cry 😃 wait don't answer that—💀 omg i feel like i almost never have an idea of what an ending looks like UNTIL I GET THERE LMFAOOOO like i really don't care abt endings cuz i can't get to the ending if there is not story substance, u feel 😭😭😭 but im sure the ✨right ending✨ will appear in ur horizons as u go forth !!

KANDKDNDKN i had to keep quite a few wips off the list 😭💀 it's embarrassing akdnkdnf BUT im so glad that seeing my process motivates u TT that's very cool to hear and i also like talking abt the writing process a lot so thank u for feeding into my self esteem /hj AHHH SHUSH UR GONNA MAKE ME BLUSH I LOVE MAKING BANNERS SO THANK U 😚 im too tech grandma to use canva or photoshop so i feel like a lot of mine r a little simpler and more minimal which isn't bad ofc but yeah, thanks so much :'))) BRO i wish i could go into graphic design skfnkdndk

OHOH the bones orig and remix ver LMAOOO

both versions r meant to be like murder mysteries yk?? and they're both set in time settings where it's not quite the future, but im also not a historian so they're also not completely historically accurate T-T they just take place in the past LMFAO but the original ver is more like dark academia centered where the murder takes place at this elitist academy/boarding school in the middle of nowhere, and reader is like a "charity case" whose uncle took her under his wing after her parents were murdered or something, and changmin is like studying to become a physician and they both get looped into the investigation. i have a some written of that ver but it's not very interesting 💀

AND recently like two days ago 💀 i went back to one of the ideas i had for the banner before i started writing the dark academia one (wow that's such a long sentence). anyways, said idea was to take place in like ,, not a school 🤡 but idk if you've read the stalking jack the ripper series but it's based on that !! AND a little bit of six of crows too 🤡 it's not fantastical or anything, but changmin is like a doctor in the lower end and someone's been out here murdering people and shit. changmin is also kind of inspired by daredevil and kaz brekker, but i'll have to get into that some other time 💀

that was one of my favorite parts lol i think this ver of bones has captured a bit more of my interest than the other ver? tho, i would love to see where the other ver went, just cuz i already put so much thought into the storyline and characters and headcanons and back stories, etc.

AHHHHHH YES I AGREE ABT SPIDEY!ERIC I LOVE SPIDEY ERIC he's just ,, yk Just Some Guy™ LMAO so he's a perf spiderboy !!! he's kind of modeled after tom holland's spiderman and sunwoo after miles morales ofc, but eric would TOTALLY try the upside down kiss and fail miserably 😭😭😭 but i think he's def the type to keep trying UNTIL he gets it down 🤤😋 and just crafting the different earths btwn sunwoo and eric was just so much fun cuz i was trying to figure out what i wanted each universe to have and ksnfkdndkkd ANYWAYS . STAR LORD SUNWOO HAS ME REELING CUZ LIKE AKDNKDMD i NEEDED this man to be w the raccoon it just didn't feel right if he wasn't. like he was either gonna be nova or starlord, and i feel like the only other boy besides sunwoo who can do star lord justice is hyunjae, but he's already IRON MAN lol

OMG UR A WOOYOUNG STAN??? that actually feels so right 😭😭😭 wooyo be snatching up hearts ALL OVER THE PLACE lately 😭🤧 like damn, get it bro 🥂 but i totally agree, he's such a sweetheart and so funny and so talented and just sknfkendn mwah wanna give him a big smooch !

WHEW what a long recap/catch up reply 🤣 but anyways, hope ur doing well as always 😚 love u lots, my honey bunches of pollinated petals 💖

[jackienautism]

HI fe3h anon from earlier. i started playing at like 9 and stopped at 4. did not realize how early it was until i turned the game off because i was at a good stopping point lmao. anyway!

made it to chapter 4 of the first... idk what it's called? section? i chose the black eagles (it was a sort of tough decision, because . off the bat i REALLY liked both edelgard and claude, but i liked the eagles a lot more on average which was the deciding factor). having fun so far! i was expecting to not lovee the actual like. battle mechanics but nope i was totally sucked in. really good gameplay.

as for characters. well. like i said, off the bat i really liked edelgard and claude. honestly as of right now i don't think there's a single eagle i dislike those are all my besties. if i had to pick three (non edelgard, bc she is hands down my favorite so far) characters who were my favorite eagles... right now, probably dorothea, bernadetta, and maybe caspar? but it's genuinely so hard to pick, i like them all.

as for non-eagles, i haven't gotten the chance to know them quite as well yet, so there's more a list of characters i'm interested in learning more about? top of that list is probably ingrid, marianne and hilda. OH and of the like... non-students, i've barely met her but i loveee shamir's voice and design.

genuinely i barely know anything about fire emblem somehow so. i am excited to see how the story plays out!

HIII OH MAN A FULL 7 HOURS OF PLAYING HUH? I TOTALLY WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING WHEN I FIRST STARTED PLAYING. remember to take care of yourself and get some sleep though! but i totally understand the feeling of getting sucked in fdgjdnjg the game does such a great job of doing that! BUT THE OTHER PARTOF ME WANTS YOU TO KEEP GOOOOING... IM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED FOR YOU HEHE

YAAAAY SO HAPPY YOU CHOSE THE BLACK EAGLES KDFNGFD i will warn you rn though based on the writing of edie's route compared to everyone else's..... it's so obvious that teaming up w/ her was thrown in at the VERY last second. i won't say anything just yet but im sure you'll understand what i mean if you play the other routes. and who knows maybe you'll figure it out also just by playing hers? but anyway, no spoilers! but as a heads up edie's route is 4 chapters LESS than the three other stories :/ and there's no like... real resolution to her arc / story? SO much can be accomplished in 4 chapters and they jsut.... man idk, the stopping point was terrible. bc based on edelgard and motivations? her story wasn't yet done.

BUT ANYWAY. ENOUGH OF THAT. SO HAPPY YOU CHOSE THEM AS A FIRST ROUUUTE.... and claude is such a good second choice.. his def would've also been a great starting route. although it's pretty obvious how the blue lions was meant to be the "meat" of the game yk? you find out soooo much more abt *certain* characters and just. yeah. it's sad. but! edelgards route still holds a special place in my heart, regardless of the quality, and i hope it does for ypou too! also super glad to hear that the battling mechanics hooked you in! theyve improved the gameplay from previous games (esp w/ the inclusion of divine pulse. having that is sooo nice i will say) so im happy it works well for new players!!!

EDIE AND CLAUDE ARE SUCH GOOD CHOICES<3 AND THE BLACK EAGLES TOO<33 dorothea bernie and caspar are such good choices too btw.... glad you weren't annoyed by bernie at first bc my brother really was gkdfnjg CASPAR IS MY BOY.... IF YOU ENJOY THEM NOW YOU'RE TOOOOOTALLY GOING TO ENJOY THEM AS THE GAME PROGRESSES AND AS A EVERYONE GETS MORE DEPRESSED!

its not the same as playingthe route as the house those characters are in, but you'll get to learn more abt them through talking w/ them in th emonastery! i also def recommend like. recruiting the characters you wanna learn more about asap and going throuhg their supports w/ other characters if possible.... i also just HIGHLY recommend recruiting your non black eagles faves. bc uhhh things certainly happen later in the game. but yeah<3 those non eagles chocies are very good.... ingrid is. an interesting case. bc i understand why ppl hate her but i also went throuhg the supports that made ppl hate her and lik e? i understand why she thinks the way she does? and she actually becomes... self aware in her B support w/ him? but still. you;ll understand once you play the blue lions route im sure. but yeah i jus tcant help but have a soft spot for her idk. i just think shes neat and i love projecting onto her for certain things lol.... also lorenz is along the same lines as her in relation to claude and yet hes barely shat on? like HMMM I WONDER WHY :/ ANYWAY. MARIANNE IS SUCH A FAVE AND HILDA IS CERTAINLY FUN. THEIR DUO IS SO INTERESTING AND CUTE TO ME

AND SHAMIR MAN??????? I HAVENT TALKED ABT HER YET BUT SHE WAS OONE OF THE REASONS WHY I GOT THE GAME IN THE FIRS TPLCE KFGNDGF ASIDE FROM EDELGARD.... YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SAD I WAS THAT I COULDNT MARRY HER..... also fun fact allegra clark voices both dorothea and shamir!!!!

OOOHHHOHOH IF YOU DONT KNOW MUCH ABT FIRE EMBLEM THEN THATS SO AWESOME. YOURE DEF IN FOR A TREAT IM SO EXCITED FOR YOUUUUU. try to avoid spoilers as best you can! the games have been out for a while so i doubt ppl are tagging them anymore... ill try to be conscious abt that when posting though! HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO HAVE FUUUUUN

[brackenfur]

tofu updates!!!!!!!

tofu is fully in my house now and doesn’t have to stay in a separate room when we all leave the house :) she doesn’t have to be monitored w my dogs + other cats anymore and i can tell she’s fully content and happy w her freedom + being able to really be around my other pets!!!!

she’s still the best w people, she adores humans and isn’t aggressive at all. she’s never bitten or scratched, even when she wants to be put down she’ll squirm or lick but won’t bite or scratch. she’s good w strangers (a little shy at first but she warms up super quickly, within maybe 5-10 mins) and overall w humans she does wonderfully ❤️

she’s also really taken to my dogs, she was absolutely scared shitless of them at first (especially my medium sized dog sadie) but now she has no fear of them. my dogs have done good with her, lucy especially (lucy is very old + is good with all animals anyways, even hamsters/rabbits since we had small pets many years ago), but they do still have moments where the dogs want to be left alone and they have to communicate to tofu that she needs to get out of their face/away from their food. but so far theres no true aggression/prey drive, just two senior dogs who are teaching the baby how to have manners and listen ❤️

and for my senior cat, mochi! mochi still hisses at the baby and i’ll be honest, she doesn’t necessarily LIKE her yet but she isn’t showing true, genuine aggression. tofu and her are able to be left alone and when everyone is working, i’ll come home and they’re usually in my room sleeping (not together, tofu is usually on the bed and mochi on my soft reading chair) but they can be unmonitored. im allowing mochi to have full control over how she handles the baby now and only feel like i have to intervene if mochi has truly had enough and needs space from her, but luckily mochi is able to go onto my enclosed back porch area during the day to sun and rest while tofu terrorizes us + the dogs LMAO. but i’m allowing my adult cat to teach the baby manners and be able to put her in her place when she needs to, and so far even though they aren’t Close yet and mochi still hisses at her a lot, theyve made Very good progress with one another! im very proud of all of my girls

anyways :) tofu!!!

[miraeluc]

you have an anxiety attack

prompt: “after a long day you’re just trying to cook for you and your roommate, but when you accidentally switch salt and sugar the stress dawns upon you and you lose it.”

pairing: kaeya x gender-neutral reader

warnings: description of an anxiety attack, explicit language

word count: 1.6k

genre: fluff, angst

rough day? 

no

roughest of the rough 

it started in the morning - all was good until you were all dressed and ready to go

all you needed to do was brush your teeth

of course you dropped toothpaste on your new blouse and had to change because your boss would literally kill you if you strutted in there with toothpaste stains on your clothing 

that didn’t upset you too much anyway,, yep, it kinda sucks but it is what it is

you went to work

that’s when it started to REALLY go downhill

first, you had to sit your ass in this tiny cubicle all day and it remained right on that chair every time you stood up

that’s what it felt like at least

then, you lost data that you’ve been working on for a MONTH

an entire month’s worth data!!!! LOST!!!!

curse you and your issue with forgetting where you put your folders

so you started over

was it worth it? 

no

your boss hated it

you ended up dropping the project overall,, handed it over to a co-worker

your excuse was that you felt too ‘unfit’ for the whole project and he would totally be a better fit!

poor bennett 

bennett is a nice guy, you always hang out with him during break

you usually talk shit about the other co-workers and he just listens and sits there like ◕ ◡ ◕

he’s just there for the food you bring him, really 

he’s a little dumb so he took the project from you with no hesitation

“i’ll do it for you, dont even worry about it, y/n!”

you ended up working overtime 

you had about 7 projects to finish until tomorrow morning and they were all only half-done 

so you got your coffee, turned off your phone and got to work

you finished at 9pm

your work hours are 8am-5:30pm

nope, not having a great time 

well, at least you can go home now!

you pack up your stuff and get up, leaving this hellhole of an office, stretching as you wait for the elevator before checking your phone to see 7 missed calls from your roommate

aka kaeya

aka boy that is most likely emotionally unavailable

aka boy that KEEPS TURNING OFF THE HEATERS TO LEAVE YOU TO FREEZE

his excuse is always that he can’t handle the warmth but you’re sure its so you whine about the cold so he can hug you to warm you up

maybe you have a teeny tiny crush on him???? BUT WHO CAN BLAME YOU 

he’s a whole package - the only thing he’s lacking is emotional availability lmao

which is why you never mentioned the day by day blooming feelings you’ve been developing for him

there would be no positive outcome from you telling him. he would politely turn you down, having to explain yet again that he doesn’t see himself having actual romantic feelings to someone 

you’re content with your current relationship with him

right?

kaeya is known as the fuckboy! of the city

neither of you mind, he’s having his fun

and you know that there’s much more to it 

you’re very happy to have gained his trust enough for him to let his flirty side down when with you, at least

well, there’s no time to ponder over your relationship with him because you’re already sprinting to catch the last bus of the day

right as you got to the station it drove away

fuck

what now?

you have to walk home. alone. in the dark.

oh well. 

usually bennett drives you home but obviously he left earlier

its only a 15 minute walk you can do it

it’s not that bad there’s street lamps hey!

not that bad until it starts to rain, apparently

by the time you get home there’s water in places rainwater shouldn’t be

kaeya is running by the time he hears the front door

“where were you??”

“why didn’t you reply to my calls??”

“do you have a slight idea about how worried i w-”

he stops when he sees your soaked figure and tired expression

“oh, y/n, what happened?” 

he immediately helped you chuck off your wet coat and shoes 

“i worked overtime and missed the last bus so i had to walk home”, you sighed

he nodded and hummed “Go ahead and take a shower then, wouldn’t want you to get sick now, would we?” he winked

you scoffed but nodded anyway

 “yeah, especially in this coLD FUCKING APARTMENT BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO LET THE HEATERS TURNED ON-”

you only heard him laugh before shutting the door in the bathroom and jumping into the shower, needing to warm up because you were sure your toes were about to fall off from the cold

at least the shower went well

:///

you got dressed in lounge attire when you got out of the shower, walking to the kitchen because you were very hungry

you gave bennett all your food today so you didnt have any left

he just looked so hungry

ANYWAYS

you’re in the kitchen, deciding on what to cook

if you ask kaeya he will tell you to just drink wine instead so, no

you kind of want something sweet so you decide to bake cupcakes

kaeya shows up too

“what’re you baking?”

he sat and watched as you gathered all the ingredients you need

“cupcakes. how was your day?”

you strike up a conversation - all you talked about today was work and you need some decent interaction, plus kaeya is a super nice talk partner

“good. i had a day-off today so i layed in bed all day”

you hummed, stirring the eggs and flour 

“how come? you never get off”

“no reason, i was forcibly given a day off- well anyways, what i wanted to tell you about before you worried me because i thoght you were deAD when you didn’t respond, is that i need your help setting up a date for diluc-”

you stopped listening halfway

you were looking at the unopened sugar bag on the counter

you just stirred the sugar in, why is it unopened????

you look over at the open bag of salt

wait a second 

you take out a little dough and taste it

FUCK

“hello??? earth to y/n?? are you even liste-”

he stops himself as soon as you look at him with your lower lip trembling 

uhhhhh

he’s never been in this situation

“y/n?? why are you crying-”

he looks at the counter and the dough, then he sees the salt beside the bowl you were stirring in and leans over to try some

oh, that’s why

“oh come on, is that what you’re crying over?” he snorted

he could barely catch you when you collapsed and started sobbing 

he immediately regreted what he said

“hey, y/n, it’s just a little dough! its okay-” 

you just sobbed and he sat down with you, sighing and pulling you into a tight hug

you felt your lungs constricting and your hands started shaking 

you didn’t even notice how antsy you felt all day until now

you gasped for air and he tightened his grip on you

“w-why am i so worthless?!”

you punched his chest

“i can’t do a single thi-ng with-out messing it up!”

punch

“i’m so us-useless”

punch

“i should just kill m-”

he immediately pulled away and cupped your face before you could finish what you were about to say

“y/n, look at me. you had a bad day - you’re not useless! you’re stressed out! you’re one of the most hardworking people that i know- and, and don’t you ever mention anything about killing yourself! i won’t let you go, not as long as im here”

you were too busy fighting against the constricting feeling in your lungs to notice the tear slipping down his cheek before he hugged you tightly again

your hands gripped at his tshirt

his hand rested over your shaky ones

it broke him

seeing you in such state hurt him so much, he felt his own heart breaking a little with every gasp you took 

“come on, let’s breathe together”

his voice was soft when he spoke to you

he took a deep breath in, you following

you wrapped your arms around him and leaned your head against his chest when breathing out 

hearing his heartbeat made you feel safe

he kept breathing with you until he was more than sure you could breathe comfortably again 

why did he feel like this?

sure, flirting with girls is fun 

and ghosting them is also fun

he usually doesn’t care about hurting them

but why does he feel the need to protect you from all bad things?

and why does your pain hurt him too?

he sighs and shakes his head as if that would clear his mind 

(it doesn’t)

oh well. 

taking care of your needs is more important right now

he picks you up and walks over to the couch, sitting down, placing you on his lap and hugging you 

“you’re not cooking anything, we’ll order takeout.”

you sniffled and nodded 

you did feel your heart flutter a little when he sat you down on him

he’s never done that 

you ignore it and reside into the warmth he gives instead, nuzzling your face into his chest 

he smiles softly and strokes your hair, using his free hand to type in what you were ordering

you both fell into a comfortable silence

at some point he thought you fell asleep lol

“kaeya?”

he rose his brows a little and looked down, humming

“thank you.”

additional notes: welp. this was my first drabble! it was very fun to write and i genuinely look forward to writing more! i’d appreciate it alot if you leave any feedback or even requests for drabbles :-)

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 12: “everyone is feeling pity for me...WHICH IS AMAZING” - Pedro

Najwah

I don't think I'm good at survivor lmao. I don't like what it's doing to me. Initially the blindsiding and voting put felt like nothing but it's getting so hard every day. I've known these people for almost a month now and I've grown so close to them. These feelings of paranoia and trying to go after people is just a lot. Also the idea of using people pisses me off. I told Cody and Sarah that my bond with Amy wasn't like that but they still felt as though they needed to try to get Amy "for the numbers" instead of trying to talk to Pedro or something - which annoys me. I don't want to use people for numbers. I don't want to use people at all. My perspective has changed completely. I'm still PLAYING but as I say repeatedly, my connections with humans is more important than an ego boost that comes with winning. Amy finally contacted me again after I asked her whether she was angry with me. She said yes bc I didn't choose her as my closest ally in the previous challenge.  Thanks again James. So basically she saw I chose someone else, but she chose me as her closest ally. And I chose her as the person I trust the most and she chose Maddison? Am I not supposed to be mad at that too? I just miss her. We had such a fun friendship going. Now it's just scrambling and game talk with Sarah and Cody. It's a lot. I'm still not sure whether I want to tell Sarah about my super idol but I'm guessing Cody already had. That's why he's pressurising me to tell Sarah lmao. Also I'm not sure where their heads are at and how they feel about me. Whether they are just keeping me here because of my superidol. Either way, I guess I'm glad to be here. 

Olivia A

Cody has been VERY enthusiastic about the fact that he wants to work closely with me moving forward. In this challenge, however, when given the choice to take away Pedro’s immunity or my immunity, he took away mine!! That was very telling that they are trying to pull Pedro in for numbers and don’t actually want to work with us lol. Kinda stupid of them. 

Maddison

Pedro keeps scrapping by and is definitely now working with old Hanuha... Pedro! you’re on the bottom with them!! (and us too, oop)

Pedro A

okay everyone is feeling pity for me...WHICH IS AMAZING.....i can use that to get a little further in the game...even tho i still think my days are numbered....BUT I THINK WE MIGHT GET MADDISON´S ass out of game..its my only chance to stay lol

Aimee

I dedicate this song to Maddison! Alina Baraz - Trust https://youtu.be/Akgs6Lu0AiI I’m so happy I can trust you in this game. I feel it. You really comforted me when Grae and then Ben got their torches snuffed. You have never wronged me and I think I’m a good judge of character. We just click. I’m glad I can just pour all myself out to you and all my game thoughts. You never know when you’re the next one off the skype island and I want you to know everything. I’m not writing your name down in this game. Old Hanuha it’s gonna have to blindside me a 4th time. Lol and I’m closer with Pedro in this game than they realize. So if they try to pull his vote, hopefully I will know. 🤞 I honestly hope I wasn’t too suspicious on last immunity challenge that I never cut your rope. I wish you didn’t get out first round in this one! 😢😟 Aimee

Pedro has really helped pass the time at jury duty today. It’s fun chatting with him about the legal systems in our countries and cracking jokes at each other. Speaking of game for a moment, you can’t just ignore someone in this game like Pedro and treat them like an outcast and then expect to use them when you see fit. I have a genuine connection with him and even now I’m sitting here wondering.... do I save him this vote? There’s a lot to consider. It’s funny how old Hanuha thinks they can just grab any old Maola and work with them. Sorry guys you might be a little bit late to that game. I’ve heard from just about all of them how disingenuous old Hanuha is being. Hahahahaha sorry but I’ve been there with all of old Maola WAY before you have. They can see that I’ve been forthcoming and building relationships for days and not some last minute sketch as hell thing. It truly pays off to not lie or be messy when you have no reason to be. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been blindsided and left out so much....I had no choice but to adapt my game. Maybe one day you’ll find out what that’s like too? I’ve been thinking so many steps far ahead and predicting potential moves before they happen. It’ll take a lot for them to get an old Maola vote without me knowing about it. https://64.media.tumblr.com/5edf24d4321044ba332b90b161d0f442/587280b4d69b93c7-b5/s400x600/8f010451e459cb39058854d9655031b4bb9b617f.gifv

Maddison

I know I’m a target again tonight, so its a good thing I have the idol in my pocket.

Olivia A

Maddison found an idol!! We think they are going to go for Maddison so she’ll play it for herself and we’re going to vote Cody out. He might have an idol too, though, so we might switch it to Najwah and hope they don’t expect that. I think we have Aimee with us so if we get Cody or Najwah out we’ll be in the majority. 

Najwah

So the plan initially was to get Olivia out but Amy L messaged me to tell me that her tribe is trying to get Aimee on board to vote me out? And apparently Pedro is on board with that too. However, Amy wants to get Maddison out but just not right now. And that's problematic because I really wish Amy would work with me. At what point does she want to work with me I don't understand. Also, she's talking to Pedro about her and my alliance and its starting to freak me out. For some reason she thinks I'm at the bottom of my alliance? Sigh. So she told us Olivia has an idol which puts a spanner in the works. It's two hours to tribal and I think I'm about to get blindsided lmao. Unless I vote for Amy, this is a high possibility. If she just came to work with me to get Maddison out, I could protect her but as long as she's part of their alliance, I can't really do much. I honestly wish she'd just vote with us. I don't want to get her out. I wanted an African Queen final. She suggested that we get Maddison or Olivia out and then she, her and Pedro and Maddison start our own alliance and get Cody, Sarah and Aimee out. And then Maddison and it's her, me and Pedro in the final. 💀 I just.. I don't want to betray people to that extent. Yes it's a game but also, it's just a game. I hate that I'll have to write Amy down for this. HATE It and it makes me fucking sad but whyyyyy won't she just work with us. Now she has my fake idol too dammit. We could trick Maddison so easily. Ugh. I just hope she'd change her mind within the next couple of hours. I really don't want to lose the one person I trust in this game. Fuck. While Magnificent Maddison is still in? Our game could definitely go to shit. Who's to say Aimee won't vote with Maddison and Pedro next. Why are we not getting the biggest threat out? I don't understand. Even Amy thinks she's a threat but when it comes doen to it she just never wants to vote her? Whyyyyyy

Sarah

My video link won’t upload so... I’ll send this in for now. 

For tonight’s vote, the four old Hanuha and Pedro want to vote together and we don’t have too much of a preference who we vote for. But, Naj found out through Amy that Olivia has an idol so we can either make it sound like we are voting Olivia or Maddison and hopefully flush an idol. So I talked to Naj and said I think we may be safer to vote Amy because we know an idol won’t be played on her and Amy won’t vote with or work with Naj completely. Amy is just being a messagener so she’s not really worth keeping around if she won’t work with us. Also, I don’t think Aimee wants to vote Olivia or Maddison. So the plan is to blindside Amy tonight and hopefully nothing crazy happens with advantages.  

Olivia A

Maddison found an idol!! We think they are going to go for Maddison so she’ll play it for herself and we’re going to vote Cody out. He might have an idol too, though, so we might switch it to Najwah and hope they don’t expect that. I think we have Aimee with us so if we get Cody or Najwah out we’ll be in the majority. 

Amy A

There’s so much happening in my personal life and this game is my sanity which is funny because it’s ANYTHING but sane in here. The vote is going bonkers once again. I don’t know what will happen. There are names everywhere. I just hope I survive another night. 

Olivia A

So the official plan is to vote Najwah. Amy told Pedro that we’re voting Cody so hopefully he relays that false info to Hanuha people. He also accidentally sent Amy some messages along the lines of “amy and maddison want me to vote w them but don’t even tell me the plan...” lmao so we have it confirmed that he’s telling Hanuha everything. I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that Pedro didn’t include me in that/assume I’m working with them. Maybe I am a goat! Not sure. Everything Maddison has done (whom everyone thinks is the big target) is something that I also did. We’ve been working in collaboration literally the whole game and come up with all plans together. That doesn’t feel like a goat to me. 

Pedro A

I'm FUCKING SCAREDDDDD....like I don't trust Maddison and olivia....why would I vote with them...but at the same time...... I would just get 6th and 5th...LIKE COME ON...from the bottom to the powerful position..Idk how much more I can take...IM DYINGGGGGGGGGGGGG KILL ME ALREADY...sorry im literally a psycho ...#streampsycho by red velvet THO....but at the same time...Amy wants me to vote Cody......I CAN'T BE THE LAST MALE IN THE GAME....everyone will come for me

Maddison

I know I’m a target again tonight, so its a good thing I have the idol in my pocket.

Olivia A

Ahhh now Amy is being sus. She said she started talking to Najwah pretending she was interested in flipping to get info. But she never shared that w Maddison and me while it was happening so that makes me think she was actually interested in flipping. Also she apparently told Najwah that Maddison and I are super close! I don’t like that. I feel like I’m going home tonight. 

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/l8RU7yci6kY

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/u5Wj3o0jqZE

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan: 

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right? 

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better 

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes​! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head). 

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids. 

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this! 

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy. 

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read. 

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck” 

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such. 

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

[selkienicke]

Tune in for 'Jamie overanalyzes hockey players emotional states for twenty minutes' lmao

Someone called me out on this post for indirectly @ing Sidney Crosby, which I kind of was and kind of wasn't. I did talk about him a little more directly in some tags on Ovi carrying the POW trophy over to the team (i said this earlier off the cuff but like i genuinely think its very cool how excited (ovi) is for this. i feel like a lot of Hockey Culture is like ’you have to be humble and act like no honors matter’ which like! Has value! For sure! but also!!! Its nice to be excited you did a good job and alex is an EXTREMELY gracious winner. i can fucking tell you i would have been way less cordial in that handshake line. idk i like that alex is always excited about winning things small big w/e i like that he is like ‘I get to do what i love with ppl i love and that is pretty damn great’ and Not to be That Bitch but like! the whole team feeds off that energy stay loose stay joyful get another is what im sayin) That is still not super direct, but yes, a lot of what I mean by Hockey Culture is the worship cult of Sidney Crosby. (And not just him! I think Crosby also comes from a specific cultural tradition of Canadian hockey. I don't know enough about Gretzky or Lemieux to really speak to this, but I do know their personalities/ways of relating to hockey massively inform both Crosby as a person and the way sports personalities frame Crosby.) And like I said, I don't think that way of approaching sports is bad. I have a lot of instinctive, almost visceral, dislike of Crosby, in a way that is difficult for me to articulate. I think a lot of it is just pure emotion: I don't like that he is talented, and that he opposes the team I want to win. I think, though, that there is also an element of like...idk. I think sometimes the thing you hate the most is the thing that you would be if you were slightly more privileged? This probably isn't true for everyone, but there is something deeply unpleasant about being forced again to see that you do not like or love yourself. I would probably be a lot like Sidney Crosby, if I had his talent and his luck. I don't like personal accolades, or the spotlight. I can sympathize with the way he is under a vast and unimaginable amount of pressure, and has been so since a young age. I think that the way he copes with that is by overemphasizing luck and downplaying skill. I also think, as a Leo and a responsible person, you are incredibly prone to the massively egotistical and massively exhausting mental loop of: I center the world, the world out of balance is my fault, therefore I must fix it. I fix it, I have only done my duty. I fail, this is all on me. I think how intensely painfully superstitious and anxiety-ridden Sidney Crosby is is fascinating. I feel like he has an impressive level of respect and fear for the awful power of luck, a deep awareness of the fact that hard work and skill only takes you so far in life. Idk, I think all hockey players know that, and they all cope with it differently. Ovi, imo, tends to distance himself from that fear through select and intense compartmentalization. Part of why I like Ovi so much is that he is self-worshipful. He loves himself, and his skill. He named his dog after himself! He has an Ovi museum! And like, I think that can come off as self-centered and obnoxious but I genuinely don't think it is. (Mostly bc he is, as I said, extremely generous with praise and a very gracious winner). Idk, not to be overly simplistic but in a nutshell, the quote "Russian machine never breaks" is telling. I feel like Ovi, mentally, treats his talent as a separate and inhuman deity-being. Something to be fed, and trained, and appeased. Something to lay honors at the feet of. Something that may only favor you for so long, so love and appreciate it while you can, while you have it. I think, at the core, it is two divergent reactions to being in a massively high-stakes game that relies on both your effort and a huge amount of factors you have no control over. Do you brace yourself, lay low and be grateful for one more, one more, one more? Or do you charge out into the field with both arms open, determined to take as much as you can before you're shut out? I think the thing is, both of these reactions are going to rub someone the wrong way. For me, I desperately wish I could feel Ovi's fierce joy at his own success. I wish that everything I succeed at did not feel like another reproach for past and future failures. I wish that I didn't feel only relief at doing better than was expected of me. This is another reason I think the sort of...attempt to set up an Ovi/Crosby rivalry has always failed. Because the thing is, I think Crosby also kind of wishes he could lean into that raw joy a little more. I think that's why he likes Geno Malkin so much, because Malkin's emotions are close to the surface and because he insists that he will take space and that he has earned it. (I think also, that Ovi loves no one so much as weird hockey cats, who are good, know they are good, are never good enough for their own internal standards. I think he admires that relentless perfectionism, that drive to keep going as hard and as long as you can. That Nicklas Bäckström attitude of, “Okay that’s one. Get another.” It’s very Virgo-y, and Ovi is absolutely a Virgo whatever else he might be.) Idk, there are a loooooot of complicated threads to this that I simply don't know enough to untangle. Russian and Canadian hockey both have long and complicated histories. Both tend to produce a certain type of emotional response to pressure, to success, to failure. Both have their own rules and norms and problems. I'm also thinking a lot about the split reaction to Jonathan Marchessault's sort of over the top cocky confident celebration vs. what the reaction was to P.K. Subban doing something similar. (In a nutshell, it is okay and even praiseworthy for a white dude to be confident. It is not okay and egotistical/too self-serving when a black man is confident). This doesn't really apply to the difference in the way Ovi and Crosby are read, but I do think it is an aspect of NHL talk culture to keep in mind. Maybe by this I just mean, NHL sports reporting tends to be hypocritical, and to fail at acknowledging nuance, and that sometimes just because one thing is good does not mean its opposite is bad.

This is mostly just About Me, but this is also related to why I love Braden Holtby so much. I think he (and also Kuzy) balance these two extremes really well. I think they both manage to stay calm and collected (well, Kuzy is emotionally OTT lmao and I love that about him, but he also imo flows through emotions quickly, and does not dwell on failure/get stuck in the way I’m talking about with both Ovi and Crosby) and to keep going. Holtby and Kuzy both are excellent players and know it, are capable of being happy with how they have done and successes they have had, and are also capable of reorienting and moving forward once those successes (or failures) are in the past. I think in a lot of ways this middle ground is the healthiest, but I find the extremes more fascinating, and they tend to provoke much stronger negative/positive emotional responses from me.

Because like, I admire that ability to keep to the middle ground, but that ain't me kids.

[cometkins]

random ravnica dnd thots kozy you can read if you want

just thinking about ilya and his romantic relationships As Usual and i just kinda wanted to talk at the air about them to organize my own thoughts bc i care about One Thing. kozy if you’re reading this it will be stream of consciousness and good luck getting anything out of this lmao

obvs i know what i want as endgame which is for ilya and danny to get together bc i very much enjoy the idea of two very traumatized people working together so they can heal past it with a level of understanding that people who haven’t been through the same things won’t have bc like. yeah we love mutual growth and understanding in relationships. pretty poggers

their traumas are not the same and are awful in different ways but i would say they’re both like. equally fucked up from it. ilya is barely fresh off of years of awful physical abuse (not to mention the continued verbal/emotional abuse at the hands of his mother and guild at large) and danny isn’t even out of the hospital last we checked on him with the barest hint of a will to live after losing all of his life’s work and his job and also being paralyzed and like.

i am trying to figure out how to get them to even bond in the first place bc while i as the player know what i want i don’t think ilya as a character does yet. like. ilya currently cares about danny and spending time with him if only bc he feels responsible for convincing him to jump out of his spaceship to try and be saved and seeing how despondent he is rn has him feeling some level of guilt and compulsion to try and comfort him. it’s weird to remember sometimes since ilya is such a selfish asshole most of the time but he is a healer and likes being a healer and it’s in his nature to do so. as much as orzhov is a very black magic guild it is still also a white magic guild, you know. the white magic part of ilya wants to help danny be better, even if right now it’s very motivated by guilt over something deeper. i just think it can be deeper

but anyway, ilya has spent the past 4-ish years wanting to escape his shitty abusive marriage to the point of being ready to jump out a window before father alexei yanked him off the sill and dragged him fully outside the church so he couldn’t do it and the only thought in his head that gave him any reason or will to live was the potential of seeing sarren again and being with him because it was way better than being choked out every day of his life

so ngl him being pretty much banned from seeing or interacting with sarren has him doing Very Bad but having the new goal of torturing and killing nikolai and having people thank him for it is what’s helping him deal with THAT but anyway

ilya is still (currently) very much of the mind that he wants to try and make things work with sarren again because he still genuinely loves him a lot but i think after years and years of abuse and building up this past relationship in his mind he kind of has rose tinted glasses on wrt sarren in general. sarren not seeming to remember how he treated ilya already has ilya slipping back into old feelings of resentment and the fact that he’s not putting in enough effort (in ilya’s mind) to see him again and spend time with him has him feeling hurt. we haven’t rp’d the scene out yet but the fact that sarren even showed up to their secret meeting probably shocked ilya a lot. i think ilya would’ve been willing to wait the entire day and night to see sarren but he wouldn’t have been very happy about it. i think (whether true or not) ilya feels like sarren is ashamed to be seen with him to some degree, since he’s poor and a pariah within his guild and sarren prioritizes his work and keeping up appearances. being seen with ilya is almost shameful despite the fact that they were married

but regardless, his relationship with and marriage to sarren was ilya’s first glimpse into the idea that people could treat him well and actually genuinely care about him but he also still feels like he can’t really hope to ask for more than the neglect sarren gave him? ilya feels ugly and worthless most days and the fact that sarren was ever interested in him still shocks him. i imagine a lot of marriages in the orzhov are political/arranged ones like the one he had with nikolai so the idea of having a loving relationship is already super foreign as a concept to him.

idk how he and danny might end up but i like to think it’s one that could be better than what he had with sarren even in small ways.

im still trying to figure out how ilya might get danny to even begin to warm up to him and rn he’s kind of just hanging out in his hospital room reading and bringing him food and books so he has anything else to eat or do and so he knows that at least somebody seems to care about him enough to be around him? but i think i might have ilya bring him cigarettes next time he can visit to really get him to crack. i don’t think ilya likes them from a healer perspective but if it’ll help danny cope that’s fine enough for now.

will prob go with celeste to make sure he can get his job back or at least be able to work in celeste’s lab bc if she’s leading shit why can’t she pick her own employees damn fuck u zir wackass ableist bitch

but yeah. idk man i go back and forth on if ilya will really be happy with either man and sometimes i wonder if maybe he couldn’t just be with both bc he has two hands but i also do think that unless ilya and sarren can really have the time to make up and be together ilya will pull back, esp if sarren doesn’t vastly improve from how he was before, and that’s hard when they can’t even be with each other in a meaningful capacity rn. i tend to feel that if your relationship was super bad before that unless there’s been major growth between the both of you that it won’t work if you try to get back together. idk if ilya has exactly done any growing but he wasn’t necessarily why the marriage fell apart in the first place so. big shrug.

danny and ilya haven’t really interacted enough for me to say what will be good and bad, i just have Ideas for how i’d like them to be and envision how things could go but what i expect and what happens almost never lines up so. we’ll see w them. i don’t think they’ll make much progress until they like. talk. i’ve joked about how they’re two people that would be comfortable spending entire days together in utter and complete silence like utter crazy men and i do think that can still be true when they’re actually together but yknow. they need to get to know each other more first lol.....

it’s hard to plan for how i want to try and have them interact when i’m getting hit with a brick wall but i’m stubborn and persistent and will not be swayed from my efforts :’))) it’ll happen

[mieczyhale]

a messy rambling reaction post to “the night before christmas”, a fic written by @penguinsandpanthers as a present for me

under the cut because its A Lot lmao

i know i made a post about this the night i read it but it’s gotta be part of the official review because it genuinely made me wanna laugh really hard ;lsdflk;s also i gotta note now (as i probably will several times) colleen is INCREDIBLE at getting me right. like she always has been but it’s just gotten progressively better to the point that im like “idk how u know that’s what i’d do/say but you’re absolutely right” and if we weren’t besties i’d be t errified 

OKAY. SO. and ya there’s gonna be screencaps here and there bc i can 

*I LOVE LOVELOVELVOE THE BAR CONCEPT!! IDK WHAT I EXPECTED BUT IT WASN’T TH AT BUT IM SO GLAD IT WAS ;LSDFJLK *the inclusion of my limitations and stuff made me really happy and added a lot to the everpresent realness *Sam...is a dick *the appearance of Cas was !!!!!!!!

*im already in love with him but this shit right here made it wORSE LKSDJLKFLK AHHHHH *THE FACT THAT I MOVED THERE FOR THE LEGALIZED WEED. REAL TALK. ICONIC.  *catch me crying about the level of identity respect up in this chilis tonight *cas is so sweet im gllksdflkjksddlksd *everytime you describe my outfits in fics it’s always sO ON POINT. LIKE?? I JUST WORE THAT SAME SHIT A FEW DAYS AGO 

*my commentary on heterosexuals always makes my fuckin life

*;sdkf;slksdf idk if i wanna say it took only four pages or a whole four pages for me to be a got damn perv *when sam took colleen home my first thought was YAS GIRL GET IT. y’all really need to get together uhhh soon alwaysk bitch *!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*BIIIIITCH I WAS LIKE “SHE ISNT...SHE DIDNT..” BUT SHE DID AHH *me getting stuck in the fucking snow really would be how i’d get into danger ffs *WHY ARE CREATURES ALWAYS SO FUCKING CREEPY HOLY SHIT LIKE TURN IT DOWN??? UR MAKING IT REALLY OBVIOUS AND IF I HAD A WEAPON I’D SHOOT U

*HE SHOWED UP TO SAVE THE DAY AND THE AMOUNT OF INTERNAL CHEERING U GH MY HERO  *HE’S SUCH A BADASS IM CRY *FUCK LAZARUS. FUCK HIM. HE COULD’VE JUST DROPPED ME BUT NOOO HE HAD TO SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THE CAR WOW WAY TO BE FUCKIN EXTRA, JACKASS  *i love that i was concerned about smelling like lemon and garlic like... hashtag mood *the mental image of me in Sam’s clothes?? and like.. the whole safe and warm th ing?? made me actually feel safe and warm?? im love

*TBH *MY DUMB ASS JUST CASUALLY DROPPING SEXUAL HINTS ACCIDENTALLY. THE NUMBER OF TIMES I’VE DONE THAT.. *but i mean like.... tru *the rolling commentary on my mental state is honestly so on point like... the number of times i’ve started a sentence with “as much as i want to die...” *my dad?? a jackass?? o h n o w a y *MACE U STUBBORN BITCH STOP HARASSING YOUR SEXY BOSS OH MY GOD *motherfuckin nachos!!!!!! my reaction was honestly “o shit nachos?? fuck yeah bitch!” *SHAPESHIFTER. YOU MADE HIM A SHAPESHIFTER. IF YOU WERENT STRAIGHT I’D KISS YOU *HE CAN TURN INTO ANIMALS WHA TT WH FUCK LSDKJLDLKSLK *CAT!CAS GOT ME READY TO DIE *HE CAN TURN INTO PEOPLE O HMGOD THAT WOULD CREEP ME TF OUT?? I MEAN IT’S SO COOL BUT AHHHH *you..... gave him fangs... f a ngs... faa n gs.. fAngs?? faNGS f a n g s *i’m gonna cry

*OH *BOOD *SUPER FUCKING BOOD  *THE MOST ME OF ALL THE MES *some bitchass targeted rachel?? mY dean’s rachel?? if he hadn’t killed them i would’ve what the f UCK them bitches trippin

*YET ANOTHER BOOD *me, wanting to continue working in a supernaturally dangerous environment is honestly.... the realest thing ever  *aww you managed to fit in some angst for me. what an icon. what would i do without u honestly?? *my first reaction and defense was to get angry l;sdfdljlkjsf the accuracy j esus

*listen... l i s t e n....l i STEN.... god please  *”might as well keep drinking” MY LIFE MOTTO. YES.

*;LKLVJVDFJGFJG;LD

*THIS BITCH he’s lucky he’s cute  *”what’s the use of being snowed in with your hot boss if you didn’t do something you regret in the morning?” ICONIC  *the lead up into sexy times got me blushing for real i can FEEL my face turning red got damn *”do your worst.” YAAS U MASOCHISTIC BITCH. GET IT *PERMANENT. THAT’S A KINK *A SWORD *HE BROUGHT A SWORD INTO BED *C O L L E E N. MARRY M E.  *a sword at my throat je s su fckkin chri st p;isd;ofdsd;dsdl;f *GOD WHY IS THIS NOT MY LIFE  *IM RE-READING IT FOR THIS AND IM NOT GONNA SCREENCAP ANY OF THIS BIT BC IT’S JUST S O MUCH (ALSO WHY IM NOT REACTING TO EVERYTHING IN THIS SCENE EVEN THO I ACTUALLY DID REACT TO E V E R Y T H I N G) BUT DEAR GOD THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE BEST SMUT YOU’VE WRITTEN FOR ME EVER. KINKS? ON POINT. EVERYTHING LITERALLY E V E ERY THING?? O N POINT *AND THE END OF THE FIC IS SO PLAYFUL AND CUTE I LOVE IT

I LOVED IT SO FUCKING MUCH YOU HETERO BITCH. I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE ONE I READ OVER AND OVER AGAIN (LIKE ALL YOUR TFW FICS TBH) THIS WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER HOW AM I SO LUCKY TO KNOW SOMEBODY WHO WRITES SUCH AMAZING SHIT AND THEN WRITES IT FOR ME W H A T HI I WOULD DIE FOR YOU . 

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[mikeshanlon]

goddd I cannot believe u have read iwwv u don't know me but for some reason we watch like.. the same shows and now books lol. anyway can I ask what were ur thoughts on the ending? like to me at least it was onvious Oliver had not done it and he wasn't gonna pull a unreliable narrator last minute (despite being an unreliable narrator) I'm talking abt the whole uhh James is a**** thing.. like what HAPPENS NEXT? is he w wren? also I feel so bad for meredith like girl love urself.. sry 4 the essay

omg yes taste!!!! Also no I’m dying to talk abt this novel so don’t apologize if anything im sorry bc I wrote way too much answering ur question LGRNLRGN

IF WE WERE VILLIANS SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT go read it if u haven’t it’s legendaric

Okay the ending!!!! AH!!!! Okay yeah so I think it’s clear Oliver did not do it, I think the ambiguity lies more whether or not James intentionally killed Richard or if it was an accident. Like, did he see Richard stumbling out in the woods hella intoxicated and think to himself that this was the perfect opportunity to get revenge for all the abuse and torture Richard had been terrorizing him with??? Did he lie to Oliver? Personally, I believe James that it was an accident… of sorts. I don’t think James set out with the intention to kill Richard at all. But Richard was goading him and fighting him and after the buildup of cruelty and tension between them over the past few months, Richard be a homophobic dick and calling James and Oliver qu*er and prodding at the most important relationship in James’ life struck a nerve. So when Richard wanted to keep fighting and hurt him again he was like fuck this and he hit Richard too hard with the hook and that in tandem with Richard being drunk caused Richard to fall and die. And, like the others, James felt awful but there was a sort of sick sense of relief.

(Also, I’m not exactly sure Oliver counts as an Unreliable Narrator. I mean he is certainly keeping some things from that detective guy but, and I was reading something from M.L. Rio about this, like he’s literally just oblivious and dumb as fuck sometimes LKGNLRGLKNRG. So idk how often he’s intentionally Unreliable but I also get what you mean)

Anyways I’m totally a believer that James is alive bc despite enjoying dark stories im like okay but I need a happy ending LGKNLKRGlkenlgneg. Like c’mon they never found the body……….. A metaphorical death and shedding of his past life bc he blames himself for Oliver taking the fall is like the MOST tragic hero Shakespearean shit ever like it just works so well!!!!!! The part where Oliver describes the last time James visited him in jail…

“Oliver I’m begging you,” he said. “I can’t do this anymore.” When I refused again, he pulled my hand across the table, kissed it, and turned to leave. I asked where he was going and he said, “Hell. Del Norte. Nowhere. I don’t know.” (343).

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd. God. Anyways I think that was very telling of his plans. Hell (for “committing suicide”, moreso for all of his wrong doings). Del Norte is the beach that him and Oliver slept on that one night and so I feel like that place holds a lot of significance for them, but it’s a place only those two know the significance of. So, I like to think he ran away there and started a new life. He wrote that letter with the disjointed Pericles monologue I think to hint to Oliver that he was at Del Norte, if he wanted to find him, because even though his “death” was a self-punishment for ruining Oliver’s life, he still cares for him a lot and doesn’t want to be without him. Like a whole monologue about the sea????????? The fact that he literally said the monologue to Oliver while they were at Del Norte?? “To give my tongue that heat to ask your help; / Which if you shall refuse, when I am dead, / For that I am a man, pray see me buried.” LIKE WHAAAAAAAAAAT god !!!! Also water is gay<3 and in my heart Oliver goes and finds him and they like work through shit and are together.

Anyways I don’t really think he’s with Wren. Their relationship during senior year was always sort of ambiguous to me…. Like they definitely got super close, they probably were romantically involved in some capacity (since other characters like Alexander who is much more perceptive were like Oliver how did it take you this long to notice LRGNRGNK) though idk if it was like the Encompassing Love Affair Oliver thought it to be bc he’s oblivious and jealous. And also like James was very much enamored with Oliver so idk. (EDIT i just remembered they slept together LMAO but i think my point still stands) In the epilogue Wren is in London and is a recluse and doesn’t reach out to any of the Villains which like. Good for her LRGNRLG even though I hated Richard I can’t imagine like how much of a toll that took on her to see her cousin die and all their friends be like uh yeah we should let him die and then have to keep up a lie like… even though she agreed Richard was awful that has to be so heart wrenching (badumtss) and life ruining. So I think she especially wouldn’t want to be with James seeing as he essentially led Richard to fall into the lake, though I’m not sure if she knows that or not.

And Meredith!!!! Like I’ll be real sometimes she frustrates me but I think she’s also SUCH an interesting and realistic character (which is something I love about this novel, all the characters are interesting to me and I like how the female characters are portrayed.... like i LOVE Fillipa she is such a bad ass bitch but again she’s not just like. Expected to always be strong and clever like she’s got feelings too. Anyways love her). As I said before I was perusing through the author’s tumblr a bit and ppl were like “omg why did Meredith go through all the male friends” like BYEEE literally feeding into the stereotypes that made her feel insecure and weak… (Also again, they’ve known each other for four years… so its not that insane lmao). I think Meredith’s relationship with her sexuality and beauty is very interesting and relatable for a lot of women (I mean I am not. Like a seductive femme fatale like she is but LGKNKRGN). On one hand she is definitely a multifaceted person who is more than her sexuality, on the other, she’s constantly Literally Cast by Gwendolyn in sexualized roles and seen as sexualized by her friends/bf (Richard) and constantly told her worth in and out of the theatre is her body. Like there is an interesting duality about the power she possesses with her sexuality but also the extreme insecurity that is bred by being constantly sexualized and this struggle of like knowing she has worth outside of her body but also sort of … not in the eyes of others. That scene where they’re doing those exercises of their strengths and weaknesses really Hit. Anyways yes Meredith love urself queen… get a hot respectful gf… become a powerful successful legend…..

Related-ish sidenote, obviously I like James and Oliver together the most though I will say Meredith and Oliver’s relationship was interesting though ultimately unhealthy…. Like one of the aspects I like about their relationship is Oliver respects Meredith and when he realizes he is falling into that idea that Meredith is this super sexualized person he’s like hold awn that’s shitty of me… But also I think the fact of the matter is that their relationship was catalyzed by shitty stuff,,, like lust and the need for revenge. Like I honestly don’t really think they would’ve gotten together if not for the extreme animosity with Richard and the adrenaline of like that whole show run and more particularly That Night…. It feels like they got together because they were drunk and they’re attractive, which like yeah fine valid, but also, subconsciously, to be like fuck you Richard. Like, guess what I’m with the guy who you’re constantly saying doesn’t matter. And also seeking comfort and validation when their most important people are not valuing them (Richard being literally fucking awful to Meredith, James sort of pushing Oliver away—again I think subconsciously was sort of a revenge jealousy type thing where Oliver is with the person that James doesn’t really like and makes not amazing comments about being promiscuous). And then their relationship I think keeps going because like. Wow grief is a bitch and they want some comfort. Meredith is drawn to Oliver because he’s one of the only people who values her for more than just a sexual object which like is What She Deserves but their relationship is like a mess of sex and guilt and Oliver is in love with James (the parts where Meredith drags Oliver for caring more about James… iconic as she should! Like when Oliver is like sorry James is visiting me I’m not coming or when she’s like are you more jealous of him or me when they kissed for that scene….. OOP!). Anyways idk if that makes sense but I find Oliver and Meredith’s relationship interesting bc it’s not like… the worst unhealthy relationship ever or anything and I think there is genuine care and love/attraction there between them but like Oliver is never going to totally Be What Meredith deserves especially because like… he loves James more. Also the part where Meredith slaps Oliver when he gets out of jail and he’s like yeah I deserve that is so GLKNRglkenrgnrg to me.

Anyways I probably have more thots but wow. This is long. Sorry LGRNLKRGNng

[nakamotens]

mutuals appreciation! write heart-felt messages to some of your favorite mutuals (or even ones you haven't talked to yet!) and tag them, BUT don't tell them which message is theirs, let them guess! after you're done, send this to 1 mutual you want to get a message from!

why hello there friends (this is just sam since gen’s asleep)

@nakasyuta @hanwooz @taeyounq @doyoukki @haecha @babyjungwoo @dovounq

a. if i had to summarize you in the past few months it would literally be: doyoung doyoung doyoung youngmin doyoung doyoung woojin doyoung doyoung doyoung youngmin doyoung LOL i always say this but i honestly think its amazing how we always end up stanning the same groups 

i hope college is going well!!! i still remember you giving lots me of advice back when i was applying to uni back in like 2015 LOL and i’m still super grateful about it (wow now that i think abt it we’ve known each other for a while)

b. my favourite jaehyun stan!!! also supposed nemesis (?) i’m really glad that we managed to reconnect through nct!!! throwback to when we sent each other messages through inbox LOL since dms didnt exist back then… also this is embarrassing but ever since u followed me back in like 2015 i thought u were cool and wanted to be friends with u! ily

ps. stop saying that i type loudlypps. the y in ily stands for yuta

c. my fellow nct p101 stan alsdkjfasd i really enjoyed talking about p101 with you!!!! its kind of funny how i can recognize your gifs when they’re in a different fandom LOL i remember seeing w1 gifs and i recognised the font/colouring?? and it turns out it was ur blog!!! amazing :^)

anyways let’s catch up soon omg!! i hope work is going well and thank you for always being such a supportive friend ;;;

d. mark lee who??? a true rap god right here 😩👌👏 u DIDNT TAG ME IN UR HEARTFELT MESSAGE THING I FEEL BETRAYED but its ok alksjdf ik u said you’d tag people that u dont normally talk with!! anyways thanks for being by my side (most of the time)… also ik u always say you’re shy but please don’t be since you’re one of the genuinely nicest people i know??? everybody would be happy to have you as a friend and i’m really glad that we started talking ♡ and because you’re a nice person i’ll let u off in thinking that ur cool just this once

+ possible new content for ur about page??

e. my apprentice my grasshopper my padawan u have been blessed with my presence which automatically guarantees u a good college life. honestly u said u wanted to meet me irl but idk if i rlly wanna do that bc you’ll just make fun of my height. also watch out i took taekwando so i could probably fight u and win. 

anyways i’m glad we’re friends! we’re kind of in the similar situations rn so it’s really nice that we can relate over the same things LOL anyways im rlly looking forward to u screeching chewing gum w/ lots of alcohol in ur system :^))))

f. we just started talking recently omg but i think we get along really well!! idk omg sometimes we feel like nakamotens is hard to approach alskdj and you’re actually one of the few people who has actively started a convo w/us so we’re really grateful ;;;;;; 

good luck with the rest of your internship!!!! hopefully it doesn’t get too busy and that it’ll continue to be a good experience~ let us know how university applications go as well! and i’m so jealous at how multilingual u are honestly like teach me ur language learning skills 😭 

g. please stop stalking us this is a PSA

[meepface]

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?