#genuinely i have been sad all day because of it
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look in the media literacy mirror fuckwad, and no trolling here, i mean every word with unfathomable sincerity. the jedi literally other and vilify anybody who doesnât agree with them, justifying their genocide with âtheyâre an evil abomination! they wouldâve harmed ppl if we didnât invade and kill them.â just like the catholics, AND buddhists, and any other organized religion.
pulling the nuh uh card and playing dumb to that just makes you look like a complete doofus thinking you did something when everybodyâs wondering who even invited you.
the jedi are a systemically dominant cult, not a valid group of ppl, all of their ppl come from âdark & unnaturalâ families whoâs they glorified tore them from & told them the way they are is bad & wrong âbut its okay bc the jedi will fix themâ. if they didnât glorified kidnap kids under the pretense of their familyâs consent they wouldnât have any members. literally a high control religion that exists only to preserve their hive-minded status quos. not beating those allegations.
idc what any poindexter ass definition says, not a genocide. if the jedi didnât steal & brainwash âdark & unholyâ children & then throw them away when they donât mold to their box, they wouldnât have any members to kill. the jedi are not a valid group of ppl, theyâre a romanticized cult. are the members who died victims of circumstance? absolutely. is it a genocide? fuck no. if anything, they slowly killed themselves every moment they stayed in the jedi & melted away their brain trying to force themselves into being something theyâre not. not sorry.
and the sith are not based on nazis, they never were. thatâs a lie, it was palpatineâs empire that was based on nazis, which is entirely separate from the sith & basically just palpatineâs excuse to jerk himself off like trump & use the term sith as a justifying shield for doing so. just like the jedi in their âgalactic peaceâ. if anything, the jedi are more nazi like than the sith could ever be, theyâre just sneakier about it & hide behind a halo.
sure thereâve always been fuckinâ weirdos in the sith, like ANY group of ppl but their core beliefs are about personal freedom and self-empowerment. not nazism. weird mfs/bad apples just take those concepts and use them as an excuse to be jackasses for every greater majority of sensible sith focused on survival. it is what it is, & all you can control is what you do.
sith concepts themselves are genuinely great. all i learned from the jedi is that my feelings & who i am as a person are bad and wrong & that i âneed their savingâ. sith taught me to finally love myself & stand up for my world & existence. the sith are bigger symbols of hope & freedom to me than the jedi ever claimed to be.
for the millionth time, the sith are not nazis. they never were and never will be. far from it. the very first sith were former jedi who broke away because they didnât agree with their dogma, which the jedi didnât like so they threw away the âfilthy hereticsâ like moldy leftovers. if you really cared about fascism & oppression youâd see how much the jedi are like catholics & nazis themselves, even beyond their veneer of âpeaceful monksâ. idk if you know this but the jedi are known liars; theyâve had the systemic power to lie & do whatever they want for eons and in that respect, are even worse than the sith.
in other words, youâre the media illiterate one here. youâre the sad one here. youâre the one who doesnât know what theyâre talking about. not us. you. have a drink, hit your bong, whatever you gotta to cope with that & get over it.
nobody likes explaining to you weirdos why shit in fact stinks & having a different point of view from you doesnât make us âfascistsâ or âgenocidalâ or whatever other wordâs hot that day. youâre the weird church kid in school that tells all the non believers theyâre gonna burn in hell for all eternity & then cries âpersecutionâ when met with consequence. fuck off đđŒ
order 66 was NOT a genocide. you can only genocide people & cultures, you canât genocide a systemically deified super-religion that wants everyone in existence to either agree with them & exist their way or burn in hell for eternity. any decent ppl who went down with the purge forfeit their lives down the drain along with their family, home & very sense of self. they. had. it. fucking. coming.
from an indigenous person, fuck yâall for even comparing order 66 to genocide & talking all over survivors of real genocides to save face for your evangelical faith & the people you think are good guys. you are not about to disrespect the continent-sized OCEANS of blood that make up our ancestors & loved ones who were lost to real genocide. fuck off.
#anti jedi#indigenous anti jedi#in defense of the sith#pro sith#pro not jedi#star wars the acolyte#star wars discourse#star wars critical#you fuck off#pro having a different point of view#pro interpreting differently#starwarsblr#star wars#star wars meta#star wars tag#renew the acolyte#the jedi did everything wrong and then covered it up#in offense of the jedi#full offense to the jedi#fuck the jedi
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I actually love the idea that Billy and William fused instead of just body-hoping. William would have died if Billy didn't come in and they fused! I love him saying that he has a mom because adoption right đ
Yes! The alternative is just too sad for me. As for the adoption thing, it's NOT just this fandom that struggles to understand bio vs. adoptive parents. I'm in the Star Wars fandom and there are SO MANY PEOPLE that refer to Anakin and PadmĂ© as Luke and Leiaâs "real" parents. Meanwhile, Owen, Beru, Bail, and Breha are called kidnappers or just ignored entirely (yes, I loved the Obi-Wan show. Why do you ask?)
I think the same problem is sometimes happening in this fandom too. We know Wanda and Vision as characters and we want them to be a happy family. We do NOT know Rebecca and Jeff Kaplan nearly as well, so there's a tendency to want to take the child from the characters we don't know as well and give him to the characters we know, like, and want to be happy.
On a slightly happier note, here's all my headcanons about Billy Kaplan's life (not Billy Maximoff or William Kaplan, but the entity that is both of them)
As William's heart stopped, his soul separated from his body and was on its way to wherever Jewish people go when they die
Billy M's soul, at the same time, was fleeing because it didn't have a body to support it
He found William's body easy enough to get into (because a soul had just left it) and close enough to alive to be fixed
However, William's soul was in between Billy M and the body
Billy M could have gone around and been the only soul in the body, but he was scared, okay?
Poor guy was only a couple days old, alone for the first time ever, and his mom had just kinda killed him and the rest of his family
Long story short, Billy M crashes into William and drags them both into the body
Billy M fixes the body just enough to keep living, but doesn't bother too much about the head injury
Meanwhile, William is stuck to Billy M like silly putty when you have two different colors and, by the time they get to the hospital, the two colors have blended entirely to form a new color
There's no way to differentiate one from the other
Billy Kaplan is born!
Because Billy M didn't fix the head injury, they both have amnesia
Billy K wakes up and it's literally "no thoughts, head empty"
(Except for some lingering sensation of loneliness... like there should be something someone? else there)
But not for long because he soon discovers he can hear other people's thoughts!
Which is really funny because he doesn't know that other people can't hear his thoughts
Poor guy genuinely thinks that humans communicate via telepathy for a solid 24 hours before he gets enough weird looks that he puts two and two together
(His parents are totally aware of this
There's only so many times your kid can answer exactly the thought going through your head without you catching on
Also, this is the Marvel universe!
Shit like this just... happens sometimes
They figure he'll come to them when he's ready, and until then they'll think nice thoughts and be supportive)
Billy K spends a solid four months trying to remember who he was before, stealing memories from his parents' heads, and pretending to recover from the amnesia
(Rebecca and Jeff try so hard not to make him feel like they're just waiting for their old son to come back but...)
Four months in, Billy's at the mall with his mom on some errands and that's where he sees it
Hot Topic
He begs his mom to go in there, and it's the first really normal teenage thing he's done since the car crash so she lets him
For the first time in four months, Billy forgets all about car crashes, and memories, and hospitals, and expectations
All that exists is spiky jewelry, ripped black skinny jeans, and a million of those cheap and hilarious pins
Over time, the family settles into his "new normal" and chalk most of it up to teenage experimentation
In that three year period though, Billy can't shake the feeling that something's still missing
He feels out of place in his body, even with the new aesthetic
(He sees that one tumblr comic about the coocoo bird and cries-- a lot. It's the closest he ever gets to telling his parents about his out-of-place feeling)
He doesn't tell them though
Instead, he digs and digs into the weirdest, darkest, most demented corner of the internet
Reddit
#agatha all along#billy kaplan#billy maximoff#william kaplan#rebecca kaplan#jeff kaplan#wandavision#amnesia#adoption#headcanon#star wars#luke skywalker#leia organa#bail organa#breha organa#owen lars#beru whitesun#hot topic#asks
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I went back to look at the lyrics of the ii song to compare to the tit song and godddddd âwe donât care/if it hurts or not/we just want to give/the people what the wantâ like stab me in the chest or whatever itâs fine! In retrospect that wasnât even a little ironic or playing a character for the plot of the tour, it was just raw honesty. And then thereâs the line that Phil sings in his solo bit, âthe futureâs unclear/but I know this is true/youâre as important to us/as we are to you,â and given the impending (and necessary!) hiatus, was that nice bit even honest? I donât know if they believed it when they wrote it and sang it or if it was just right for the tour personas and plot, but it does ring a little false now given all the context we have.
And yet the tit song conveys that exact same sentiment, but it DOES ring true. Like the whole gimmick of the song is that the lyrics could be from their perspective or from ours because our parasocial relationship is genuinely so equal in how we feel about each other these days. They donât just want to give us what they want â which in retrospect thatâs like an incredibly sad sentiment, especially when itâs explicitly spelled out that it hurts them to give us what they thought we wanted â they now do just what makes them happy and we are equally happy with that.
The fact that weâve been able to get to this place where they can sing âidgaf because it saved meâ and MEAN it is actually a little crazy. âNow itâs terminalâ and âthis shit donât phaseâ them; they genuinely are not feeling that pressure that they effectively wrote the whole second tour to reckon with. That they can acknowledge the bad parts and how it made them feel and yet choose to go forwards with the good parts of our unique parasocial relationship anyways. We DO mean as much to them as they do to us, now.
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Hey! I'd love to hear your thoughts (and your readers' too!) or, if you'd like, your headcanon for what John and Paul's friendship/relationship/situationship might have looked like in the 80s if John hadnât been murdered.
The more I listen to Paul's 70s discography, the more I feel just how much he seemed to miss John, and things didnât seem to be getting easier as the decade came to a close. We know that songs like Now and Then and Real Love offer a glimpse into John's feelings, and there was clearly a sense of him missing Paul back.
So, do you have any headcanon about what could have been between them in that decade?
This is such a fascinating ask. Thank you.
I recently listened to McCartney II again, and also to Double Fantasy and Milk and Honey. And it struck me how alive and creative both of them wereâand it made me think of their planned studio/writing date in January '81, which didn't happen.
What could their relationship have looked like, if John had lived? On the creative/musical level, I'm torn. Yes, they were Lennon and McCartney, and each of them was at a peak individuallyâsurely they would have done great things together? But then I think of John describing the "Toot & A Snore" session, and how everyone was staring at him and Paul in the studio. Yes, they could have met in secret to writeâbut at some point, they would have had to share their new songs with the public. And I can totally imagine a situation where the public would have said, 'no thanks,' with only us, now, realizing how good their first album together actually wasâŠ(a la Ram)...and maybe they would have stopped after that...or wait: Paul would not have let them stop. :-)
In my mind, I'm fond of the idea of them collaborating and writing together, with space for each of them to do their own thing, provided they still enjoyed it and were happy with the results. It's impossible to say if that would have been the case. But in some weird way, I can't imagine them becoming friends (and more?) again without also enjoying writing together. Given the drama that played out via the press in the 70âs, neither of them cared about endless questions about the past, or the burden of being Lennon/McCartney. So perhaps...they would have written together under a pseudonym?! All their lives? Until this very day? Love that thought. (Didn't John have a tour planned with Double Fantasy? For some reason, I'm not really thinking about them forming a band again, or touring together in a systematic way.)
As for their friendship/relationship/situationshipâGod Only Knows what the fic writer in me would have wanted for them! :-)
All I can say is that I can't imagine a sustained, fruitful musical/songwriting collaboration without imagining them being genuinely close again. I'm not trying to avoid the 'lovers' question; I think what I said would be true regardless of the degree of canoodling: I don't think they would have written together again without being fond of, and enjoying, each other. The fact that they apparently planned studio time together before John died, suggests that the curiosity (hope?) was there.
I don't think they would have written masterpieces on the level of the Beatles, had they started writing again. But I'm only saying that because my imagination is more limited than their talent.
I think their relationship in the late 70's is difficult to gauge, and I tend to avoid that time period, because, knowing what will happen to John, it makes me sad. Musically they were in a good place in â79/â80. But maybe, if they had met and tried to write again, they would have concluded that they were worlds apart, and that would have been that.
But maybe they would have started to co-headline certain festivals? And always been *aware* of each other?!
And you know whatâ there was a kinkmeme prompt once, or was it a prompt for the Summer of Love fic-a-thon? Where John Lennon lives, and is going to bat for Paul and Broad Street when it's panned by the critics. I know Paul wouldn't have made GMRTBS with John alive, but he would have been panned for something, and guess who would have come out in his defense? Regardless of shared credits and secret or spouse-endorsed canoodling? Jooooohhhhhnnnnn.
That's the kind of scenario that makes me happy.
I hope this is giving you something. I would love to hear your thoughts, too, @therealsaintscully!
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I too believe he's letting all of this fester, yes!!!! You can see something in his eyes and body language when he swats Claudio and PAC away.
Claudio and PAC still give me weird vibes. I don't understand why they are with Mox, or why they wanted Yuta with them so badly apart from the trios titles. This aspect of the storyline leaves me cold sometimes because apart from Mox and Marina (you're right about their dynamic,) I don't think any of these people like each other.
Mox and Claudio keep touching Yuta's head and neck too which I imagine makes him panic because he only reacts quickly when his neck or head are touched. I don't know when the emancipation will happen either. After the interview with Nigel, I thought it might by the Continental Classic because it would be a good spot to have Yuta vs Claudio (at least the first one,) but I don't know if Orange can be the catalyst for this when Orange himself is playing with Yuta's head.
I've said before that maybe someone who hasn't held power over Yuta should be the one who snaps him out of it. A friend, or maybe not a friend per se but someone who is willing to be there for him without judgment. But I do want it to be Bryan. At the end of the day, it should be Bryan because Bryan is his motivation even now. So I've been thinking a lot about how Bryan could play a role into it because I so desperately want to know his feelings about Yuta right now. Is he angry? Sad? Disappointed? Does he kind of get why he did it?
And you're right that a video ala Regal would be nice. It would wrap up the BCC nicely, or even revive it if they want to go there. I remember you and I talked about how nice it would be if Bryan and Yuta kept the BCC and recruited other people, and this might be wishful thinking, but I believe it could still happen. I've seen people assume Bryan will come back wanting revenge against Yuta, but I genuinely believe Bryan will understand; he might be mad, but I think he will understand that Yuta was just trying to save himself.
The issue isn't that Yuta is all alone. He has been all by himself since All Out. The issue is that Yuta doesn't want to accept that. He probably knows it, he has never, ever, been dumb, but it's kinda nice to lie to yourself sometimes. We all do it when we're going through something. And yes, deep down we know it's not healthy, but who cares about healthy coping mechanism when you finally got a good night's sleep, right?
He said it himself after they betrayed Bryan, claiming he didn't know where that left him. So not only is he confused and conflicted, but all alone and scared. Every shove, every slap, every touch of his neck, every sneer, will only make him worse, we just don't know against who.
His body language and his wrestling yesterday were different from what we've seen since WrestleDream. I don't want to say Yuta is back, or that he's waking up, but he was in fact more focused, he did the rope thing that he stole from Nigel and did it cleanly, his counters were smooth and sharp, and he managed to get the win (it should have been clean, btw, but I get why they did it that way).
As of right now, Mox has the mini Bryan he wanted, and good for him, that's awesome. Just like he prayed Bryan wouldn't win the title, he should pray the dragon in Yuta doesn't wake up soon.
#it's always lovely to interact with you! i've missed reading your takes.<3#replying to: nextstopwonderland#wheeler yuta#bryan danielson#jon moxley#claudio castagnoli#w-wrestling tag?
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That drabble was for wyll week!
-githzerai anon
Woohoo!!
#AAAAA THANK YOU SO MUCH#you're officially the first ever Wyll's week post!#i thought no one would participated and i accepted my fate#genuinely i have been sad all day because of it#this really means a lot to me#ik it can be silly but fr your short story made a huge difference for me#so thank you from the bottom of my heart#âĄGithzerai anon
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I think what really gets to me with the finale is that Merlin was so close to getting Arthur to the lake. Yet, there was no plan beyond that. It's like even if they did get there, who knows if anything would have happened.
The idea that there was still more tragedy awaiting even if they made it, that yeah despite all of Merlinâs magic, he couldn't save Arthur's life.
It was always the possibility of the Sidhe, but there was no guarantee. It was all hope from the start, endless hope that failed them in the end.
Because well, it was always supposed to happen like this anyway... Arthur was meant to die so he could rise again, there was no alternative
#bbc merlin#merlin#merthur#some little festive angst for you all on the angstiest day of the year for this fandom ;)#i just feel for Merlin so much all that hope to save his loved one and yet and yettttt#like genuinely what would have happened like Merlin has gone around murdering Sidhe left and right djdjdjd#It was always meant to be this way is something that we all must come to accept with the canon#As Julian Murphy said in the infamous commentary they had to deliver on Arthur's death because they had been building up to it for so long!#anyway i love it watching Arthur's death is kinda like a strange catharsis for me these days#like it's I look at it like it's okay there's still hope it's okay to watch him die and feel sad it's not over forever
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Thinking about the symbolic weight of smoking in the TLT universe that comes to the fore in The Unwanted Guest -- the way it moves through from person to person: Pyrrha smoked, and Augustine wanted to impress her in all her stone cold fox MILF James Bond glory (and tbf who wouldn't) so he started too. and even though as far as he knows she's been gone for a myriad and is never coming back, he keeps the habit. Ianthe sees something in the hollowed-out Faberge eggshell of Augustine that resonates with her, all that gilded eloquent emptiness and disdain through the ages, so she picked it up from him to try to emulate it. She picked it up so hard that Palamedes -- the exact spiritual antithesis of the 'smoking! on a space station! what a powermove' ennui Ianthe so admired -- spontaneously unnerded enough to even known how to, simply from a sort of contact contamination of the soul.
G1deon and Augustine sharing a jittery smoke after their near-Harrow experience during soup night, and it's the closest thing to any real sense of brotherhood that remains between them. Pyrrha going ten thousand years dying both literally and for a smoke (and then Camilla sold her fucking cigarettes (for a third of what they were worth, probably Pyrrha's own good, and also more importantly grocery money). what an entirely haunted time to be alive etc.). Augustine and Mercy trading a cigarette back and forth in the middle of their collusion over the love and murder of god.
An act of small and measured self-destruction in the name of something a little bit like connection when you're stuck somewhere in yourself where love itself dares not or cannot tread (ritualized, transmissible)..........
#the unwanted guest#the unwanted guest spoilers#the locked tomb#ianthe tridentarius#augustine the first#pyrrha dve#palamedes sextus#this series is going to make me lose my mind completely one day (affectionate)#the locked tomb meta#the fact that ianthe seems to have had some genuine admiration for augustine makes my head spin. of course though.#of course she sees the person who looks the most like he's successfully made himself impervious to the world#utterly untouchable and impossible to hurt because he isn't even really there#and she believes it! even after seeing the john mercy augustine mess at the end! because it's such a seductive idea#when you've stuck yourself in an inevitable ocean of pain to think you could make yourself numb enough that it doesn't matter#it's the emotional equivalent of 'oh there's water all around? well I just won't breathe in then. easy lmao get on my level'#she holds on to that thing from him even when it's been proved to be both impossible and ultimately untrue even in him#because uh. oh I'm about to be kind of sad for ianthe what the fuck is going on. he might actually have been the closest thing#to parental and especially paternal affection she's ever known. certainly known enough to try to model herself after#IMAGINE how fucked up the nine houses must be when augustine the first registers for anyone as a model of psychological survival#ianthe do you really want to be yourself completely so much that you're willing to be nothing. I mean yeah probably but. oh my god#gaining nothing at the cost of everything
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I know I've been on about this for a while now and I'm being a hater but you're telling me SydCarmy was "always meant to be platonic" even though there are two seasons of writing making use of tried-and-true explicitly romantic tropes, themes and writing signals, and SydLuca is going to be romantic because...he was nice to her on screen for a few minutes?
I don't even care if people ship SydLuca, or if they just prefer it, but you can't honestly tell me that you believe Carmy was always meant to be a friend but Luca is an obvious love interest.
Just because Syd and Carmy haven't kissed or confessed their love to each other doesn't mean that isn't very obviously the direction this show is going. The Bear has already shown you who is endgame. It has shown you every episode of the show so far.
Honestly I really don't think The Bear fanbase understands this show or cares about these characters or the story being told here, which is unfortunate because this show is shockingly well-written in comparison to most shows right now, and we should be so grateful for it but all we're doing is complaining that the writers led us on by not making a ship canon fast enough. It's just. Sad.
#The Bear#SydCarmy#I was like a casual fan of this show two days ago#and now seeing how little respect this show gets from it's fanbase I'm losing my mind#I mean I shipped SydCarmy before anyway but now it means so much to me#it means so much to see such a realistic and purposefully well paced romance take place#so many shows portray romantic relationships and their beginnings in ways that just don't really happen in real life#and this show very purposefully said no. These are characters who are strangers. who are working together. Who are in a tense environment#and each of them has problems - one of them the type of problems that makes developing new relationships pretty difficult#these two would not get together right away. It would take a long time. And there would be ups and downs.#And even when that's the case. Even if when it takes a long time and doesn't go smoothly and is hard -#it can still be beautiful. It can still be romantic. It can still happen and here's how#and I'm just so inspired genuinely. It is so difficult to write romance without being cliche and so difficult to write it in a way that#could actually happen in real life and I really do hope I can write something half as good some day#and then to know so many people have no appreciation for it at all#because they prefer the shows that have characters make eye contact a few times and then confess their love for each other like#it's just fucking sad. So sad that so few people have any appreciation for good writing especially the difficult of romance writing#like I really just don't even know what to tell you. In real life these two would not have confessed to each other yet. They would not have#kissed yet. They would not have even realized they have feelings for each other yet because those feelings would still be developing#and I also want to point out that given the disparity in power between Syd and Carmy in season 1 it wouldn't have been healthy for them to#get together much sooner. He was her boss. He was also her idol. Before they can even get together that needs to be balanced out.#And then on top of that don't you see the value in Carmy realizing the dream girl he's romanticized in his head - Claire - isn't actually#what he wants? Don't you see the beauty in him being disillusioned from that? And realizing that Syd is what he wants?#Don't you see the beauty in Syd having an idealized vision of what Carmy The Great Chef is like realizing she was wrong and that he's human#and flawed and then realizing - she loves him anyway? She loves him more for not being on a pedestal and for having his flaws?#Are you telling me that even thinking about this doesn't move you? Doesn't make your heart ache a little?#And again - ship and let ship - but what is Luca? What is Luca if not just what she was hoping Carmy would be when she wen to The Beef?#What is he if not just another man who she has not seen under pressure yet? Not seen reliving trauma yet? Not been her boss yet?#It's easy to look at him and think he's better than Carmy - and that's the point. That's the point The Bear is making.#It is easy to want someone you don't know. It's hard to want to someone you do know. But that's what love requires and that's the point
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hulu was doing live coverage of the election until 2:00am, at which point my power randomly went out and when I reopened the hulu app on my tv the election coverage was replaced with
#us politics#I don't care if it was intentional or a coincidence or what that shit is funny as hell#I got like 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours#my closest friends are sleeping and don't know yet#we're going to dc a month from now on vacation and none of us expected this#I've been on twitter and it's crushing I see my friends in fear for their lives#I see the worst people in the world cheering for their own downfall because all they care about is someone else having it worse#like they'll douse the vulnerable among us with gasoline and pray for hellfire thinking they'll be safe#but the flames don't discriminate like they do and we're all going to burn#except for the wealthy and powerful of course they'll be polluting the solar system or dead from old age#and the only hell they'll ever know is the one millions upon millions of people eagerly built in their names#in the name of 'greatness'#(man I get really melodramatic when I haven't slept)#and I'm scared too I didn't think this was going to happen and I have no idea what the future holds anymore#and I know I'm privileged to be able to say this when people's lives are about to be destroyed but I think I'm more sad than anything#so disappointed that 70 million people voted for *that*#because it's completely unconscionable to anyone with a soul but somehow he's winning the popular vote for the first time???#what do you mean more people like him now than they did in 2016 and 2020#this genuinely feels like a nightmare are we really so far gone as a country??? as a society?????#that we would not only let a convicted felon (who was served a lawsuit ON ELECTION DAY) on the ballot#but that SEVENTY. MILLION. PEOPLE. would vote for him? to run the country??? to represent us on a global stage?????#*THAT'S* what we as a nation have chosen??? what the fuck is wrong with this country?????#why him indeed#and yet I still have hope#inexplicably
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Windy at my house + power flickering = no comm work = quick laptop doodle
#my characters#i genuinely hoped the wind would die down but like ??? nah?#and the last time we lost power without an actual storm it WAS bc of wind#and so i just get so panicked over please dont fry my tablet with a power surge#if it calms down by tonight i really wanna work on art since i spent almost all day yesterday struggling with a pose and i finally#think i thought of something that could work and then (gestures to the wind) fuck me#also in regards to these two you have seen me drawing deacon a lot recently and i only drew armya once so far#she is a devoted follower to fulj which is really rare since fulj no longer has a large following nor a temple#so when fulj finds her its comforting and reassuring and she adores armya a lot#however the fact that fulj relentlessly teases deacon and calls him names is like..... ok wait would you really be mean to me if it wasnt#for her ? like would you still pick on me? :c and shes like lol yeah dude absolutely#deacon is just constantly dunked on by the lightning group and hes so sad because he wanted to be friends :c#but also the guy wouldnt really recognize the followers if it wasnt for the traces of lady fulj#so if they would wander into the city without having been possessed recently he probably wouldnt even cast a glance their way#nothing personal he just straight up doesnt decipher looks fast at all#he could think they look familiar but then not know why ESPECIALLY if they wear something he's not used to them in#like if armya showed up in something other than her loose white jacket he would not be able to go AH YES ARMYA immediately#he identifies people by hair or clothing details so it kinda messes him up if people remove whatever identifying trait they have#long hair getting a hair cut? suddenly a whole new person#and armya knows this very well since he never looked her way unless fulj was possessing her or trailing her#so she does like to tease him as just. we are both in servitude to a deity and same rank but like. bro youre too easy to mock#(fulj agrees)
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time đ„ș#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved đ„č#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#đ€#darya talks to herself
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Ghostbur :(
#Iâve been having so many Thoughts about him today#also today is the Ghostbur Angst Heart Hurty day for some goshdarn reason#I watched that stream where Phil killed him#and Ghostbur was ADORABLE for the entire thing and made me smile a lot#but it also made me sad#because Ghostbur⊠wanted to die#and he shouldnât want that#not at freaking all#so that was :(#and I just finished writing one of the angstiest things Iâve ever wrote alsgaksgkaf#about a topic that I⊠donât visit very much#partially because itâs one of the rare things that actually makes me SADâgenuinely sadâto write about#annnnd I wrote about that topic + Ghostbur yayyyyy *crawls into bed crying*#the words were flowing donât get me wrong#this was a good writing day#but like#I feel a bit sad now#gah :(#my post#ghostposting
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#âi have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scrollâ#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like âyeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term igâ#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being âscrolling but i don't hate itâ#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just đ#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just đ#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just đ in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer âwhat do you do in your free timeâ cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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anyone else generally unable to do halloween bc of debilitating mental illness or is it just me
#ive sat here crying for over an hour bc im ugly and fat and my costume is ugly and i'm just going to be cold and harrassed all night#im literally so ugly looking at pictures of me makes me cry so hard i get nauseous i cannot fathom why anyone would willingly chose to be m#friend out of anything but sheer pity it's tragic how i look#halloween is supposed to be fun but it has never been too fun i just get fucking sad at the end of the night i just want something that#doesnt feel like im actually just trying too hard to have a good time#i feel like shit all the time its not fucking fair anymore#i was gonna be dr frank n furter but im just gonna cry all day genuinely#im impossible and a buzzkill and everyone should hate be because of how much of a buzzkill i am
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that's so annoying :(
#I took a gummy because I've felt like shit the past few days#my head hurts and I'm so tired#and I was really looking forward to being high#but then I just threw up#and I'm pretty sure I could taste the gummy#so I can't take a second one just in case. so I just have to wait#for it to probably not work. and now I'm nauseous and my stomach hurts#everything is pissing me off#I feel like I've been back in middle school for like the past month#everything makes me so angry and frustrated and sad all the time#I don't know what's wrong#I'm such a fuck up like. I genuinely do nothing all day#and I'm still exhausted and incapable#and fucking crying at nothing. it's so frustrating#there's only so much mindful breathing I can do before it drives me crazy too
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