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honeycreammilkshake · 1 month ago

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HELLO HONEY i just saw the full leaks and i don't know what everyone else is thinking i saw some people are sad yuji didn't end up together with sukuna or that yuji wasn't much the focus but. i personally LOVED it? let me explain why its still sukuita soulmatism. would i have liked to hear more of yujis thoughts sure but, his last smile is because of sukuna, he smiled up at the sky before we saw sukuna chose to change, he Felt that sukuna knew what love was and I've been losing it because sukuna literally changed because of yuji he turned his back to mahito whos a curse unlike him hes the manifestation of hating humanity and Chose that next time he'd like to walk a different path, loving others, the way he returned love by comforting uraume because yuji taught him love and as kashimo was saying "how can you return something you've never received" this ending for me wrapped up the whole story in such a sweet way it's not perfect but it's just as much about sukuna as it is about yuji. yuji changed him. and to me the "let's try again" and the "next time it might be nice to walk a different path" are clear signs that the two will reincarnate and be together in the next cycle however that will be we know reincarnation is canon. again this isn't perfect because i personally have many gripes with the story but its such a powerful heartwarming ending still? i take back something i said before i don't think gege hates yuji and sukuna he just probably got overwhelmed with having so many characters he was trying to balance everyone out and writing characters he already knew probably came easier, imo the worst he treated were nobara and megumi, but the last panels of his manga are yuji smiling because of sukuna saying that his finger is now the perfect talisman (something that protects) and sukuna choosing to go north because of him, choosing himself to change instead of yuji forcing him to change, but still because of yuji. im sorry for rambling i wanted to explain my view. what are your thoughts? i hope your day goes well! ❤️ i genuinely didn't expect to get sukuita at the end it made the ending so satisfying to me

hi, jenjen! so sorry for the late reply.

i just saw the full leaks and i don't know what everyone else is thinking i saw some people are sad yuji didn't end up together with sukuna or that yuji wasn't much the focus but. i personally LOVED it?

as much as i'm a huge fan of sukuna and yuuji either living or dying together, i'm also happy that this was the actual ending because it's more than i expected. and honestly it's very fitting for both of them. it really was such a subtle nod that yuuji was the reason why sukuna is headed on a different path, but it's still there and it's amazingly beautiful after everything they've been through together.

would i have liked to hear more of yujis thoughts sure but, his last smile is because of sukuna, he smiled up at the sky before we saw sukuna chose to change, he Felt that sukuna knew what love was and I've been losing it because sukuna literally changed because of yuji he turned his back to mahito whos a curse unlike him hes the manifestation of hating humanity and Chose that next time he'd like to walk a different path, loving others, the way he returned love by comforting uraume because yuji taught him love and as kashimo was saying "how can you return something you've never received"

the way yuuji's last scene is one with so much happiness....

i believe that after spending that much time tied to each other, sukuna and yuuji can still sense at least some of each other's feelings. yuuji looks so hopeful and at ease here. he's gotten through everything alive, with his friends by his side. but more than that, sukuna is no longer so serious a threat.

yuuji says "it's not dangerous anymore." even though the power contained in just one finger is what started this whole series, it's no longer a threat now because i think that sukuna's malice, his hatred, is finally subsiding as he considers a different path. and yuuji, perceptive and empathetic as he is, can sense that.

he's also looking down at his missing fingers, both the ring finger and little finger (i read a really amazing post about that just recently). i feel like the way yuuji is looking almost fondly at those missing fingers (the little finger for a promise and the ring finger for love and loyalty) shows us how much it means to him for sukuna to finally learn love.

him choosing to not restore one of those fingers indicates that he would rather have it missing, almost like an eternal reminder of what he and sukuna were to each other. because he knows that their time together has ended (for now....) but he's accepting of that because he and sukuna are both at peace, finally.

as for how yuuji taught sukuna love, i believe it's because - unlike everyone else - yuuji treated sukuna like a human, something neither gojo or yorozu or the rest did. and i believe that was the first time in a long time, if ever, that sukuna received such empathy.

i noticed in this scene how in his conversation with mahito, sukuna seems so much more open and even willing to reflect back on what he previously believed in. this is completely different from how he was hostile or cold to anyone who challenged him before. he only ever felt doubt over his ideals when yuuji confronted him, because yuuji alone had the kind of power to affect the unshakeable sukuna in such a way.

i've been a long time believer that sukuna became the king of curses to spite those who deemed him cursed at birth. and it makes sense that he would prey on those same humans (and curses) to not only maintain his status as the strongest, but to also get away from the fact that he almost starved before he was even born. such a horrifying experience more than likely led him to believe early on that only pure strength could protect him from such a fate, and only those at the top deserve that kind of immunity from suffering.

yet i feel like sukuna was suffering. he himself said "i feared my own curse would immolate me." so being the strongest didn't keep him insulated from those feelings, that loneliness and hatred. he couldn't keep being indifferent or 100% hateful either.

and i think sukuna understood that only when yuuji took him on that little date in his special memory mind palace (or whatever his domain is called since we don't know its name).

instead of attacking sukuna or making assumptions about how sukuna feels or projecting his own feelings onto him like gojo or kashimo did, yuuji is instead being open with sukuna, the most open he's been with anyone.

and sukuna is just shocked into silence for most of this. (i like to think his inner voice is freaking out at how intimate yuuji's being with him, recounting the smallest details of his childhood and walking sukuna through his life story).

this scene was particularly interesting because of how yuuji's describing the kind of feelings that come with discovering his first home town was pretty much abandoned, much like how there were so few people to mourn the passing of his grandfather's friend. you would expect someone to feel upset or even shocked about that, but yuuji wasn't. he said he wasn't "shaken" by it. and sukuna's silence, the expression on his face, seem to indicate at least some thought. for someone he called weak, yuuji is proving to be strong. emotionally and mentally because he had a foundation to keep his feelings tethered his whole life: his grandfather. wasuke's care allowed yuuji to be the kind of person he is, and it shows us that yuuji draws his strength from others, contrary to how weak curses come in packs or how sukuna feels like being alone is the only way to be strong.

something i think that did impact sukuna during their date was how yuuji is being emotionally vulnerable with the self-proclaimed king of curses, someone who wants to be seen as an inhuman force of chaos and evil, someone who considers himself above the "suffering of the weak" and the "loneliness of the strongest." sukuna, who claims to put no value on love or fulfillment, yet yuuji is showing him how such little things and memories gave meaning to his own life. he's talking to sukuna like an old friend, he's showing sukuna how he thinks and feels. not because he believes sukuna deep down is the same way (he even admits to knowing better than that, saying he expected sukuna to reject his ideals even before he tried to show them to sukuna) but because he wants to get closer to sukuna, to connect with him.

their souls are tied together. they were practically fated to end up together, and yuuji was made literally for sukuna. the only who could endure sukuna's poison, the only one who could control the king of curses. yet, despite all his advantages and strength over sukuna, yuuji never forces sukuna into anything. he's always given a sukuna a choice: "free megumi and come to me" or "live together with me because i only will accept you." because yuuji understands sukuna. not fully, but more than someone like gojo did, who only ever saw sukuna as an opposition because they were both "the strongest."

and yuuji wanted to understand sukuna more. to give him not just a second chance but to provide that fulfillment that wasuke and yuuji's friends gave to him. the fulfillment that sukuna denied needing. but yuuji understood that sukuna became a monster who ate humans for their "fleeting taste" as a way to pass time until his death because of that lack of fulfillment. (i feel like yuuji understood these basic feelings even if no one explicitly told him what sukuna talked about with kashimo. being so empathetic, i believe yuuji picked up on sukuna's true feelings both during and after the time they shared a body).

but for all that yuuji and sukuna understood each other, sukuna couldn't fully believe or accept yuuji's proposal because he would rather die being seen as the thing he was perceived as from birth on: a curse. he pushed yuuji away, but i have a feeling it was because he simply couldn't conceive of someone caring for him that much.

but yuuji comforted him even during sukuna's death, and held him tenderly. he never forgave sukuna, and he probably never would because yuuji knows that even if sukuna became a monster because of others, sukuna still did terrible things. he didn't offer sukuna redemption: he offered sukuna fulfillment. and that is so much more sincere. yet sukuna turned his proposal down because, though he was touched, it was simply too much for him.

but it did change his outlook. it did finally "free" him from his own curse.

this ending for me wrapped up the whole story in such a sweet way it's not perfect but it's just as much about sukuna as it is about yuji. yuji changed him. and to me the "let's try again" and the "next time it might be nice to walk a different path" are clear signs that the two will reincarnate and be together in the next cycle however that will be we know reincarnation is canon.

i have a strong feeling this isn't the last we'll see of sukuna. and to be honest, i have a crazy hope that this also isn't the last yuuji sees of sukuna. as you said, yuuji was willing for them to "try again" and it seems like to me sukuna has had a change of heart towards yuuji. he might not resist yuuji as much in the next life as he once did.

i think he needed to be away from yuuji in order to really feel something positive about yuuji's words and process everything. and yuuji respected sukuna's decision to die rather than come back to him because they both knew it was too late for them in this life. sukuna and yuuji could coexist, but whether or not they should after all of this is probably something they knew wouldn't happen. even though yuuji would be willing to fight for them, sukuna would probably consider it a form of punishment to be stuck back in the brat (even if he doesn't hate it or even if he comes to love it) because i feel like he would remain bitter about losing for a long time.

but him choosing death has let him have more control over his own choices, and in the next life he might just choose to make his way back to yuuji, too. still, even if yuuji didn't keep sukuna from dying, he still gave sukuna that choice. he showed sukuna he wasn't a true curse like mahito, that sukuna was in fact human and more than just a chaotic force of strength alone. he essentially freed the king of curses from his own curse.

and sukuna looks happier (and softer) because of it.

he's finally giving up on his vengeance. and it was because of yuuji, who he lost to, that he won against his own curse.

i take back something i said before i don't think gege hates yuji and sukuna he just probably got overwhelmed with having so many characters he was trying to balance everyone out and writing characters he already knew probably came easier, imo the worst he treated were nobara and megumi

i agree with you, jenjen.

i feel like the editors/publishers highly discouraged gege from giving more depth to sukuna and yuuji's story together, but gege resisted and gave us amazing interactions anyway, even if they were a bit rushed and sudden. i do feel, however, that gege undervalued yuuji a bit. i can see a personal bias in gege's tendency to spend so much time and focus on yuuta, but other than that it's exactly how you said it: gege was trying to give attention to all the characters, but being rushed certainly didn't help their story at all. yet gege did the best they could, and i think this ending really reflected their writing skills.

i do agree that both nobara and megumi were treated terribly by the narrative, and i wish they were handled better, but at least they're happy and all back together now.

the last panels of his manga are yuji smiling because of sukuna saying that his finger is now the perfect talisman (something that protects) and sukuna choosing to go north because of him, choosing himself to change instead of yuji forcing him to change, but still because of yuji.

i love how this doesn't really feel sinister at all. like it could be just me but it looks almost peaceful how the last finger is just sitting there, with the leaves around it. despite how threatening it looks, yuuji trusts it to be a talisman that protects, not damages.

and it's the perfect way to say yuuji and sukuna have gone their separate ways for now, but there's a chance they'll meet again. they made their choices without either of them being forced into it, but they were still the most significant people in each other's lives: sukuna because he put yuuji through a living hell but also awoke yuuji's sense of purpose and belonging, and yuuji because he led sukuna north and changed their narratives.

all i can think about is how sukuna once screamed that yuuji's future was his. and it's true. sukuna being inside of yuuji changed his entire life, even to this day, because there are still reminders of sukuna with yuuji's missing fingers. but it's also true that yuuji changed sukuna's future as well. they both impacted each other so much, in all the best and worst ways.

there will never be anything quite like them. i'm really going to miss them so much...

hope you've been keeping well, jenjen! thank you so much for the wonderful ask <3

#sorry for any errors #i didn't expect to write this much #i hope this reply isn't too messy or incoherent for you #im so glad you sent me this ask jenjen #it's always fun to hear your thoughts!#honey posts #meta #sukuita #sukuna ryomen #itadori yuuji #jjk #jenjen

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hylianane · 8 months ago

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I know it doesn’t have the same drama or canon-backing as the idea of Zoro being trained and even raised by Mihawk since young, but I’m still a little surprised that there’s practically no fan works playfully referencing the fact that Zoro was originally going to be a Buggy pirate. Walk with me here. Here’s how we could make this AU fall in line with Zoro’s final, canon characterization.

Yes, Zoro was hesitant to become a pirate with Luffy at first because being a criminal would limit his freedom of movement in his search for Mihawk. However, let’s look at the reason he ended up joining anyway: blackmail and the fact that Luffy was offering a real, tangible way to achieve his dream

Crazy thing is, Buggy is kind of the only other pirate in the East Blue who could offer him a similar thing. Though he would rather die than freely discuss his connection to Shanks, he is a pirate with connections (and a connection to Mihawk even this early in the story isn’t too much of a leap if we take in his interactions with Buggy and Shanks, as if they go way back). Buggy could very much use this fact to get what he wants. And what does the cowardly Buggy want? Protection, of course. Security in his place as the top dog pirate of the East Blue. A spot that the arrival of an upstart demon bounty hunter could threaten if he doesn’t play his cards right. And of course, his troupe could use a sword swallower.

Now, would Buggy be genuine in offering Zoro an easy way to reach Mihawk? Probably not. I mean, I’m sure he’d fail his way upwards into making it look that way so Zoro stays around, but what I’m getting at is that he wouldn’t have to be. Because Zoro, specially bounty hunter Zoro who only has himself to lose, can be just a liiittle bit naive. Because he has so much pride in his own word, he takes other, less deserving men at theirs. We see this when he expects Helmeppo, despite all his faults, to honor their deal. He’s genuinely shocked when the deal doesnt go through and he’s stuck tied up in ropes. We even see it a little with his blind faith in Luffy from day one. Yes, Luffy is a more than worthy Captain, but also for someone who had to be swindled into swearing himself to Luffy’s side, Zoro’s sense of honor and honesty led to him going to immense lengths to protect him before he really started to prove that, specially considering he’s someone who was already causing him way too much trouble within days of knowing him.

And mind you, it’s not like Buggy would give him no reason to stay loyal, either. His influence over the East Blue wasn’t anything to scoff at, and even though as a man he’s pretty corrupted, as a Captain he’s kind of brilliant. It’s a running gag how much the Buggy pirates are in love with him. He’s got wits and charisma and ways of gaining loyalty. He and Zoro wouldn’t be too bad a match.

And when Luffy does make his way to this Buggy Pirate Sword Swallower Zoro, and is taken in by his skill, determination and overall cool factor? Baby that’s the most exciting part about this. We’d get rivals to lovers Zolu but Zoro is dressed like a clown

#Yeah baby! Welcome to the realm of ideas that only appeal to ME. SPECIFICALLY.#NOT GONNA SPELL CHECK ANY OF THIS BABY IM WRITING IT IN ONE GO LETS DO IT #one piece #roronoa zoro #my post #monkey d. luffy #buggy the clown #eh fuck it I think this is friendly to OPLA onlys. Those guys love Buggy.#opla #clown zoro au #one piece au

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slowdrippingnoise · 4 months ago

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I cannot stop thinking about Fords dream. Plan sexual? Is this aroace confirmation??

"Attracted to planning" my ass. What happened to attracted to strange and the strange was always attracted to him?? You are a weirdo, except it

I an aroace and i was concerned that Ford will be straight in TBOB but now i am just confused???

I see you want to scream about the book of bill. Please scream at me i need someone else in this madness

OK!!!! so this is an extremely interesting question, and my perception of it is very heavily influenced by this interview being fresh in my mind (you've probably already read/watched but if not go do that it's great) towards the end you can find alex answering a question about ford being interpreted as queer- and basically talking about how ford is written as extremely romantically/interpersonally repressed in general- I won't try to summarize it i genuinely recommend just going and reading that, he describes it all better than I could (and again maybe you already have idk)

I feel like the tbob dream note could be taken a number of ways (and, while I wouldn't actually ask it cause i feel like leaving it up to imagination is actually more interesting in a creative engagement kind of way, i'm desperate to know what hypothetical answers are hiding behind that "usually" oh ford) but the thing that sticks out to me is. i mean it's very difficult to read it as straight isn't it. ford has recurring dreams about being quizzed on "what he's attracted to" and consistently dodges the question (doesn't even give a straightforward answer like "nothing", he misdirects back onto his logical smartguy persona) it's definitely a nod to fans too, sure, but in-character it's no-way-out firmly establishing that his sexuality specifically is on the Grand List of Stanford Pines Insecurities. we definitely got a nod to this way back in j3 of course- the ford&fidds campout conversation- but this i think this new tidbit betrays a much more internal fixation/anxiety than "it's confusing to me and I don't really want to think about it for more that a minute at a time" (<-the vibe his j3 stuff had more of to me) TL;DR whatever he is, i do not think you can call this man canonically straight at all lmao. W

(ok i'm losing track of my own thoughts a bit here. i should've outlined this like an essay lmao. back on track-)

In terms of what I personally believe/headcanon? honestly i'm in a funny in-between place right now- if you asked me last week i'd just say "he's gay probably" but this has me Thinking now in a more "ok, what cooperates best with canon and how I personally view him" way and the "ford aroace" people are making some interesting points. my most recent idea of him that i've been rolling around in my mindscape like a shiny rock goes basically like this:

(putting this under a cut)(also this goes wildly off-topic for a while because i love talking about ford. i promise it is tangentially related and relevant to my argument)

ford is repressed in how he deals with people because people are confusing and often scary (history of bullying and ostracization, we all hc him as some kind of autistic, etc.), and this extends to how he views romance/sex- if you don't see yourself as safe/belonging among other humans it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself in such intimate dynamics with them (accepted, loved) and ford is very well established to close himself off to keep himself safe. the prospect of "romance" is by default more unsettling than it could ever really be comforting to him (within his ability to imagine it, at least) outside of the rarer "what if i was just normal and nobody bothered me for existing" fantasy, which is its own can of worms,,

another part of this is my (more arbitrary/i know because im right forever/because i lived it) hc that the elder pines twins' parents didn't really love each other by the time they were raising stan and ford, it was more of a "we both pay the rent/keep the family going, we may not strictly like each other and yeah there's a screaming fight or two every few years, but divorce is off the table because it would leave us both financially up the creek, so you do what you gotta do" situation. which has the potential to do. things. to how you think about Traditional Ideas of Couples and Suchlike. take my word for it.

another important part, though i find myself getting technically off-topic for a ways here, my apologies- i've been thinking about ford's Patterns with his attachments, in that he generally has one Main Person to focus on and trust at a time, and for a most of his life these attachments end Badly- throughout his entire adolescence he has stanley as that person, they exist in constant contrast to each other, their own self-perceptions are defined by their existence as a duo, covering for each other's weaknesses (to the extent that they can ignore traits in themselves that "double up", so to speak- stanley is the dumb muscle and ford is the booksmart genius with potential- no way out of that)(their dad affects this too)(oof) he and stan have a really awful falling-out that leaves ford with the belief that his One Person was willing to sabotage his future, completely disregarding ford's own feelings or sense of security and agency, just to get his way. (strike 1.5? against ford's ability to trust people) --- in college he attached to his roommate, fiddleford- and they genuinely get along and compliment each other really well! they're besties for life! yippee! so ford has a Person again, to exist next to, to prop himself up. but their lives go in different directions- they both move on with their studies/careers, and ford winds up in gravity falls, alone, where he has trouble again interacting with the locals and spends all his time wandering the woods, with endless hours for introspection. --- enter- Bill! :) bill becomes ford's 3rd Person, and he flatters ford and manipulates him and validates him and offers him everything he could ever shallowly imagine would solve all his problems and patch up the gaping hole in his self-worth forever definitely (while reminding him of what he remembers/imagines of his brother most likely, ow) bill is also more "safe" than other people, he's an anomaly, a supernatural phenomenon, even, and he lives exclusively inside ford's head. he's a perfect, safe, obsession target. (billford situationship essay for another day)

until he's not, of course.

until his college bestie Person is back too, and he's more Real than bill in a way that's very comforting, but fidds is another strong influence, one for the better, and bill can't have that around, he has to go. after that his relationship with bill also turns sour extremely quickly in a terrifying way, which leaves ford shaken and unmoored and desperate, which leaves... stan.

which also falls apart. (strikes 2, 3 and 1.5-the-sequal in rapid succession)

the 30 years spent multiverse-hopping are interesting to me too in how they affected ford- i think being around so much "abnormality"/being disconnected from his own world's ideas of normal did a lot to mellow him out- but he still couldn't really stick around anywhere to form deeper bonds with anybody, he's a wanderer until bill is dead, which may well end up killing ford in the process, so...

then! he's back home! which is bad! (from his perspective) but gives him the opportunity to try to Attach to a 4th Person- dipper! this was a secret essay on why i think he's Like That about dipper all along not about romance at all haha trick'd'ya! (i'm joking)

anyway you get the idea- fortunately he has a slightly wider support net by the end of the show between stan, fiddleford, and the kids- but to me it's relevant in that ford has a very limited network of people who he is close to at all, considering that his view on romantic relationships seems to orbit around "don't wanna think about that/that's scary, I don't know/etc.", and that for a long time the relationships(platonic or otherwise) that he did have were defined by their ending in trauma, guilt, and shame. it makes sense to me for him to not really be able to figure himself out, how do you dissect all the layers of the bonds you do manage to form, tease out one strong emotion from another, especially when you're always afraid of ruining something because this is all you have?

I guess, given all that rambling, to me he lands within some combination of demi-aroace(attraction of any kind is rare and difficult to distinguish from other emotions, needs a strong base first) and too repressed and deeply, deeply traumatized to really say what comes naturally and what's his brain trying to protect him from being hurt. he knows that something is, by the standards of humanity, "wrong" with him, but it's just another note on a long list of "reasons normal people don't like him". and he's gay.

-----

ok i probably forgot some stuff but i think thats my thoughts on that lmao. anyway BOOK OF BILL this makes me. so crazy. hasnt left my brain for days. i will never be the same i called these shots i CALLED them. but i couldn't imagine. anyway-

while i'm still talking about ford, i love that this book let him be more emotionally vulnerable than j3 did, i feel like there was a harsher impression of ford among fans for a long time (at least, with people who weren't already Obsessed with him) because he has limited time in the actual show for his character to be established, and a lot of j3 either had him on the defensive, or still stuck in "everything ever is my fault" mode. getting a better view both of how bill manipulated him, and how he's still affected by it "postcanon" puts him way more in line with. how i've seen him all along basically!! augh. he's lonely and insecure and afraid and wants so, so badly to connect to people,, "the ego of a king. the insecurity of a circus freak." compare to "my immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex" we were so right.

his last section of the book is. so so perfect i'm so glad we have that- it wraps up what felt like a loose end with other pieces of canon leaving him on "i'm the biggest idiot in the world" which felt. bad. all things considered. but tbob lets him air out that soul-crushing shame in such a beautiful way- both in letting us the audience actually See how it was with him and bill before, and his family reassuring him that they love him and don't carry some massive sense of Blame for him being manipulated... it hurts good man. perfect place to end on. he's gonna be ok it'll be ok.

related- possession pages go crazy. like that is some "i've read fanfiction less fucked up than this" shit and I [the rest of this sentence redacted for my dignity] what was i saying. the dream scene was so viscerally upsetting. the "light switch". the stretching. (alex drop a link to your ao3 account. urgh) bill is so so so scary for that brief moment which is an amaaazing essential addition to the book that actually made me feel horrifically personally sorry for the little bastard for the first time maybe ever. i mean this so genuinely he's the worst he's been he's the saddest he's been it's a beautiful tapestry drawing me in. it's gonna occupy my brain for weeks. maybe months. he's desperate to hold on to ford he's desperate for his plans to work for once and he's pissed as hell but also now he has an excuse to cut loose- he doesn't have to hide his angry, shitty, abusive side from this little human that he's grown so attached to(who he sees himself in)- he can see ford and ford can see him (or, what he's willing to think of as "himself")(where did you all go-) and ford is just living a nightmare that he couldn't have possibly imagined. incredible

i'm practiced at being emo about ford i've been emo about ford since 2015 but the bill thing is new to me (not strictly the lore, i was around for the reddit AMAs/the axolotl poem, but the elaboration-) and it's killing me. he's so fucked. he's hopeless. he's fucked himself up so bad and refuses to get any better because just looking at it inside his head is too much. there's a loud buzzing in his ears and he blacks out for 30 seconds. everyone loved him he was the best baby ever. sixer, it would eat you alive. the doctor says three sips a day will make the visions go away. where did you all go. he's fine, he's fine, he's fine. it's all hitting me fresh like it's brand new, funy nightmare triangle abandonment issues go brrrr-

he wants ford to want him so bad he wants to not be alone so bad. hes awful he ruins every chance he gets and it's all genuinely his own fault. fuck (im not gonna talk about "pain is hilarious" im not gonna be cringe im not gonna do it) blacked-out list of exes love and fear are the same love cage you're my property if lost return to bill cipher covered in blood all alone in the universe-

I was gonna elaborate on those last scraps but. i am running out of brain. big week for ford enjoyers. big week for me being so so sad (/pos) ☀️

#stanford pines #tbob spoilers #this got so so long. thanks for the opportunity lol #if you wanna rant too please please go for it. book good #whadda show........

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mikerztmf · 1 year ago

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two ppl asked and i shall deliver!! so have a whole essay about jake-centric drake 👍👍

the natural place to start talking about jake's feelings about drew is near the start of their friendship: the freshman scene in ep9. i think this scene (and ep11) is one of the few points where you can really tell what jake thinks of drew. and to sum it up, he thinks pretty highly of him.

it's never super obvious, but when you think about it, drew really meant so much to jake. because drew was really jake's first friend after middle school, the first person to ever accept him so easily. BUT, he couldn't necessarily tell drew that, bc he'd be forced to open up about his past and his passion for music (which is like. the one thing he doesn't want to do)

and imo, jake caring about drew (and henriam ofc but this ain't abt them) and genuinely wanting to be friends is sort of... integral to who he is as a character, in a way. jake changed himself to keep drew, bc he cared about what drew thought of him. whether or not he was right, jake assumed that drew would bully him/drop him if he ever found out that he liked music. jake didn't wanna lose drew, so he kept quiet and lied. it obviously wasn't RIGHT, but still, it's what he does.

once he got closer to the music club, things got way more complicated though, because jake's lies became more than just lies of omission. and eventually, he grew distant towards drew around eps8-10. HOWEVER, i dont think he was really aware that he was doing it, or that he was inherently being an asshole/bad friend on purpose???

i think that's proven in the drake fight. like, jake lied to protect his friendship with drew, but it obviously backfired on him in the long run ("how am i supposed to know anything about your passion when you don't tell me anything anymore!?"). so jake only actually realised his mistakes, especially how badly he treated drew in the past month of canon, when they were thrown in his face by DREW HIMSELF.

and you see jake himself be surprised before quickly cracking, because he realised that drew was right. he has been lying for years. and it's sorta important to think abt the words here. "if you care so much about your friends, jake, why don't you spit out the truth already?!" ...quickly followed by jake spitting out the truth. not only did (and probably still does) jake care about drew, but he also considered them friends! WHICH ALSO EXPLAINS "nice to know we were never really friends." "that's not...! drew..."

jake trying to defend himself shows that even after everything, he still viewed drew as a friend, and wanted drew to hear him out and stay in his life. like, idk, after he came clean, jake still cared about what drew thought, and hoped that he'd want to still be his friend too.

i talked abt this in my last essay, but jake was so broken up after the fight. sure, it looked like he'd moved on, but the way he thought he saw the jomies at the competition + the right now mep part just kinda proved that he hadn't. and idk, i can only imagine that it hurts - losing your first friend, and only having yourself to blame because you lied to his face in an attempt to keep him.

LMAO SO IDK i think jake sort of did value drew as a friend, and that maybe, just maybe, drake is not as unrequited as people think?? imo their issue wasn't really that it was one-sided, but bc they never told eachother how much they valued eachother (for whatever reason)

#the music freaks #drake tmf #plum peach tmf #this was like 500-600 words im so sorry #i have my own thoughts abt the delusion of jake developing a CRUSH on drew actually #but i didn't wanna go too deep into it here bc i wanted to focus on what's canon

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 1 year ago

Note

You've done what ifs where Aro or Carlisle swapped places with Dumbledore, but what if the protagonists swapped roles instead? Harry Swan and Bella Potter? How would that go?

Anon's referring to this post as well as this post.

Caveat That Bears Repeating

I've said this a number of times in these kinds of posts already, but the thing is that backstories matter. Harry and Bella don't just pop into existence, informed by nothing, they all have histories that lead them to where they end up in canon.

Bella has her parent's messy divorce, her alienation from her father, her irresponsible mother, as well as the socialization of being an American girl in the early 2000's.

Harry is an orphan physically and mentally abused by his surviving relatives, at the age of eleven he suddenly discovers that in a secret society he's bigger than the Beatles, he's a young British boy in the early 1990's who then is thrust into the wizarding world culture.

My point is that as much as I can theorize what Bella or Harry would be like in the AU where Bella's now a British girl living in a cupboard beneath the stairs and Harry's now living with Renee, it's just me handwaving and guessing.

I really don't know with these things.

With that said, we can try.

Bella Potter

We'll say the Dursleys pull the exact same shit with Bella as they would Harry. I imagine Bella's almost New Moon levels of depressed at eleven.

She thinks she's ugly and is purposefully made so by her relatives (given bad haircuts, clothes that don't fit, probably Dudley's castoffs making her look more tom-boyish and less 'cute' than what might be acceptable), she's told her parents were drunks and losers, and her family despises her and thinks she's stupid and a waste of space.

I imagine Bella often contemplates whether it'd be better if she'd never been born in the first place. Where Harry reacted with anger, I imagine from what we see of canon, Bella crumples in on herself.

Then she discovers she's a witch, that weird scar on her forehead that she always tries to cover a sign of her defeating You-Know-Who, and that her parents were wonderful people.

Bella waits for the other shoe to drop, for people to realize she's a phony, that she's not cool, special, pretty, or anything any of these people seem to believe she is based on nothing. Worse, Bella would want to come clean, but she doesn't want to lose any of this.

Hagrid is treating her nicely, on the train that boy Ron genuinely seems to like her and think she's cool and interesting, she has friends and people think she can do things.

Bella's terrified of being found out as a fraud which makes her more nervous than Neville in trying to use magic (especially in Potions where Snape mercilessly bullies her and thus makes her even worse than she otherwise would have been).

However, this gets in the way of typical Harry adventures, as Bella to the best of her ability keeps her nose down and out of trouble (as then everyone would hate her again). As a result, she doesn't save Hermione from the troll, Ron eventually gets bored of her and thinks of her as another girl, she doesn't go after the Philosopher's Stone or later involve herself with the Chamber of Secrets debacle.

Voldemort gets the stone offscreen (likely eventually able to get through the enchantment on the mirror) and is able to resurrect himself at which point Bella is terrified as everyone's now expecting her to do something about it.

"I am twelve?" Bella asks, then cries because she's not a magical princess like everyone wants her to be.

Harry Swan

Where Bella is depressed, Harry is angry.

Harry's not happy about moving to Forks but it was made clear he didn't have much choice. He's very bitter with Renee about this and bitter at Charlie in general for being an absentee father. He's ready to take on the whole school, gossiping all about him he's sure, and spit in their faces.

Unlike Hogwarts, as he doesn't want to be here and doesn't have good preconceptions, it's the equivalent of him being told he's going to Malfoy Boarding School in Malfoy County, to a place where he's sure to hate the people and they're sure to be looking for any weakness. (Remember, Bella did not at all have a good perception of Forks or its people).

He, in fact, immediately does so just to make sure they know where he stands. Yeah, he knows his mom ran off, what about it? I imagine he gets in a fist fight with Mike Newton on his first day, Harry is labeled a delinquent.

He catches a look at the Cullens and thinks they're rich freaks and weirdos who moved to this nowhere town. Charlie is at his wits end with Harry and utterly unsure how to deal with him as most the kids in town don't make this kind of trouble.

Unfortunately for Harry, he catches Edward's interest, unfortunately for Harry, with his outspoken anger and bitterness he's not Edward's type.

There's only two doors for someone with the smell, Edward takes the door labeled "eat me, I'm delicious".

#twilight #twilight meta #twilight headcanon #twilight renaissance #bella swan #harry potter #anti harry potter #harry potter meta #harry potter headcanon #meta #headcanon #opinion

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accirax · 5 months ago

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initial thoughts on DCAS episode 12

on another episode of "making myself sad about Grett," we learn that Grett has learned to interpret any general statement as an attack on her appearance/person. fuck you, Yul. and also Grett's family.

so true Connor

heheheh, i called that it would be to/at alternate Gabby >:)

oh nice, Connor is one of those cool CEOs that takes pay cuts in order to give his employees higher wages--

WHAT

why are you running like that you fucking nerd (/aff). i don't even have to specify who because it's just that apparently bizarre.

totally makes sense that Alec is fine with Riya "winning immunity" because she'll just give it back to him. he's got his head in the game as always.

i always love to see the villains scheming, but this may actually make more sense for Riya than her current real plan. Alec has been proving time and time again that he's good at, like... everything. everyone should be really worried about him winning if he makes it to the end. i don't know if Riya could beat Ally either (because i don't know what the challenge will be), but she should be thinking about taking Alec out before the endgame. although, she does have to worry about taking him out in a way that won't leave a grudge, given that Alec has proven that he won't root for a former ally just to be petty.

Usain Bolt is now canon to the DCU. no, not that one.

wow, Gabby really is Tumblr Girl! (/j)

at first i thought Alec might have been buttering Connor up in this scene in the hopes that Connor would simply give him the immunity if Connor won it. it's true that Connor probably would have given it to one of the heroes, though, just for strategy reasons. still, this is not helping any hopes Alec has of rekindling a friendship with Connor.

i do NOT trust food made by Marcus and Nina.

just admit that you're besties, you tsundere fool.

i'm not trying to argue that Derek is the greatest dude on the planet or anything, but, notably, i feel like this is one of the only times we've seen him look genuinely sad.

this is a funny speech conclusion from the millionaire guy.

i guess??? this is the reason???? why they were targeting Gabby?????? i'm still confused, honestly. can we take this as a soft confirmation that Tom and Aiden never believed in that idol Gabby lied about having?

you do not understand how worried i was for the sake of my power rankings at this moment.

yay, we finally get to learn what the updated tiebreaker policy is! looks like it will be going to a head-to-head challenge instead of doing a Survivor-style revote -> rocks. Still can't believe that we had a tiebreaker and Yul didn't lose it, though.

KING BEHAVIOR!! god, i wish the DC winner was determined by jury vote. Alec has absolutely played the game most deserving of winning thus far. then again, if there was a jury vote at the end, people probably would have started gunning to take him out already. so, maybe i should be grateful.

i'm glad that these two have made up, both because Gabby needs and deserves more friends than just Ellie in her life, and because it shows how Gabby has grown as a person. instead of just wanting to get revenge on those who have personally wronged her, she wants to use her passionate heart to target those who are making others' lives miserable.

about time!

"if i can't spend time with my gay crush, you can't either!"

i still don't think i've actually processed that Tom won't be in the next episode. like, damn. it was a good choice, though. if they were going to send a hero home, i'm much happier to see one part of the love triangle get axed than have Ally randomly go out.

i assumed something like this would happen, but i was not expecting them to actually visibly kiss. yay for the... krisrek shippers? if they exist?

poor guy :/

another episode that i'm pleased with! ... but how the hell did Yul not go home?! it's got to happen next week, right? like, i know that Alec is a genius or whatever, but it's not like the entire season can go his way. the villains will have to fracture someday. until then, though, uh, #villainsweep. still rooting for Alec, even if i think Jake will win. see you next week!

#disventure camp #disventure camp spoilers #dcas #dcas initial thoughts #these coming out on friday may be a bit of a regular occurrence now #but also who knows what the hell i'm doing in upcoming weeks? not me that's for sure

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staticintone · 3 months ago

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Ta da! Finally the RAM Wishlist, not including plots already in motion! Very much a self-indulgent little list, and some of them may involve more than one player or a multimuse willing to take on more than one. I am also willing to throw my Vox or Velvette into the mix as well.

Pocket Universe Ideas:

Vox:

—The directives start to falter. No regaining of memory exactly, but things start slipping through the cracks.

—Give me a circumstance where Alastor has to break his promise and redo the Ordeal. I want him to struggle with that and treat Vox very differently as a result.

—Alastor goes too far and actually hurts him. Almost a one-sided fight.

—Give me any opportunities for Alastor to break his own directives, especially about Vox’s love for him. I want to see just how much it changes the dynamic between them, if at all.

—Vox breaks down and Alastor has to help him but quickly starts ignoring him.

—Alastor breaks down and Vox has to deal with it somehow. Could be extermination related.

—Obsessed with “I thought you were dead” plots. Please give it to me one way or another. Could get super twisted considering how possessive and protective Alastor is here.

Niffty:

—Soft interactions with a whole lot of implications.

—A rare situation where Alastor actually loses his patience with her. Would have to be plotted heavily in advance.

—He stops her from doing something and she snaps at him, showing bits of the person she used to be.

—Or the above but she resorts to childlike behavior. “I hate you!”

Charlie:

—A conversation where Alastor thoroughly convinces her that the Vees are to blame for Vox.

—The reverse, where she leaves the conversation positive that Alastor is lying.

—A confrontation when she discovers the truth.

—What if he actually convinced her it was for the best? I’m not sure how that would happen, but if someone’s interested we could try to plot it out.

Husk:

—Husk finally confronts Alastor on the state of Vox and Niffty, whether out of genuine concern or righteous anger. This could end very badly, be warned.

The Vees (Valentino and/or Velvette):

—They have to meet up for one reason or another in public and play nice. Can involve Vox or Charlie or someone they don’t want to upset.

—Or, you know, they could fight.

Any Character:

—Someone ask him if he’s dating Vox. That’s funny to me and only me. Could even be Vox if combined with other ideas.

—Someone gets ahold of one of the broadcasts and broadcasts it again. Will most likely end badly.

Multiverse Ideas:

RAM’d Vox:

—I really want one of the Voxs to get clingy and start demanding that Alastor stop RAM’ing other Voxs because he doesn’t want to share Alastor any more than he already has to.

—One of the Voxs who’s meant to go back to their Alastor freaks out and demands to stay with RAM instead.

Non-RAM’d Vox:

—I really want a Vox to try and figure out what Alastor does by agreeing to see the Ordeal firsthand. Not being RAM’d but watching him do it to someone else. There are so many possibilities here.

Alastor:

—I want RAM Alastor to hand over a RAM’d Vox to his “keeper” and the Alastor actually appreciate it for a while. Until, you know, it becomes an issue later. Would involve a couple of people, and quite a bit of three way plotting. That or a multimuse or my own Vox maybe. It would probably be a long thread too.

Niffty:

—A canon Niffty figuring out the differences between her and RAM Niffty could be super interesting. Her meeting RAM Alastor could make her question her own Alastor in the process (which could be my main verse or something).

Charlie:

—Ask him why he has more than one Vox. Someone has to deal with all the extra TVs around here.

Angel:

—An Angel outside of the RAM sphere isn’t necessarily bound by NDA. Start questioning Alastor and everyone around him.

Valentino:

—War of the gaslighters, especially if Alastor can get under Valentino’s skin because Vox loved him first and he actually “won”.

Lucifer:

—What if I just RAM’d the King of Hell? How disastrous would that be?

Any RAM’d Character:

—Something goes horribly wrong during the Ordeal. I don’t know what but either your character dies or gets wrecked beyond all reason.

—Something goes wrong during the Ordeal in the opposite direction. It absolutely fails and your character deals with the consequences in a completely different way.

Any non-RAM’d character:

—Try to steal his Voxs. Obviously they’d have to agree to it too, but you know.

—Try to kill Alastor and fail. As of now, the only one who I’ll allow to kill him is Vito, but I want a fight that ends badly for everyone involved.

#|{ 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚠𝚎 𝚏𝚕𝚢? ;; wishlist }|#|{ 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 ;; ram verse }|#|{ 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚕𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚍 ;; ram duplicates }|

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djsherriff-responses · 11 months ago

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something I wanna explore more in my own works regarding LaserFrog is the two’s first impression of each other vs them getting whiplashed by who the other really is

Bullfrog is a character we don’t have much information on as of making this post , but his loyalty to the creed is no secret, and I’m willing to bet that the pressure of being the last assassin and the trauma of losing so many people in his life (even before Ghosts) has made it difficult for Bullfrog to have committed relationships with others (I’m betting that he doesn’t stay with people longer than 3 months if that, platonically and romantically) and I’m surprised that it’s not a more common fic element to explore Bullfrog struggling between his destiny to continue the assassin creed legacy and his desire to find meaningful relationships, if not having outright commitment issues. He probably hasn’t taken on apprentices due to said fear of relationship commitment , despite that being a sure fire way to keep the brotherhood alive after him. (Possibly because he feels guilty of the concept of giving that burden to others) He seems like a genuinely friendly , open and upbeat frog, so learning he hasn’t got the best track record with relationships would be an off putting thing for Dolph to learn, since Dolph “this frog is the only reason I choose to stay alive” Laserhawk prob (unintentionally) decided that Bullfrog is the light of his life, so definitely a weird situation he found himself in

and Dolph, oh boy Dolph

I know I made posts about him already but it still shocking that there's not much exploration of his past and relationship with Alex compared to Ramon and Rayfrog. Dude did drugs before hitting double digits and both his parents work in risky fields, even if you wanna say it was Eden propaganda there's still something to be said there, especially his daddy issues. While I usually make jokes about it more than anything else, I do think there's an interesting exploration to be had of Dolph's outer persona of distant angry bad boy Vs the clingy emotional wreck that he is behind that persona, both in regards in general and what it says about his relationship with Alex. Dolph's plan before the series was running away and basically settling down with Alex, that is one hell of a commitment to make even ignoring the canon that Dolph had several toxic relationships before being with Alex. Bullfrog struggles to read Dolph sometimes and seems to be socially awkward autistic frog confirmed? (based on the car anyways)and while I think Bullfrog would have no issues sticking up for himself against Dolph or argue back, I do think that they'd be uncomfortable tension between them due to Jade's death that keeps Bullfrog on edge (at least at the beginning of them trying to get to know each other) so learning Dolph wanted to stay alive because of Bullfrog, well, being the reason someone didn't kill himself would be an incredible amount of stress to be under

Basically love is terrifying because it's scary to be trusted with someone's vulnerability and letting yourself be vulnerable with someone else

#captain laserhawk #laserfrog #rambles #dolph laserhawk #Bullfrog #Tw suicide #Could work platonic too #Still not over that Dolph wanted to save bullfrog and wouldn't have gone to explode his head if he knew bullfrog wasn't killed #Road trip au #Still planning on that btw

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rosetowers · 2 years ago

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Odalia is a vile person who frankly couldn't care less about anyone other then herself unless they're useful to her. but she wasn't always like that, once she did honestly care for her friends.

that's what really makes it hurt.

back in Hexside she was a generally nice kid; rather competitive, bossy, and self-centered, but you can say the same of Lilith. she had really liked Alador, and had a bit more confidence in asking him out and genuinely didn't understand why Darius stayed mad for so long, and on that she had a fair point, as Darius would later admit. for a while, she was fine, but ambitious.

thing is, she cared for her friends and boyfriend, but even then she saw them as a means to an end. she saw witches who were powerful or hard-working enough to achieve anything they set their minds to, liking them was a bonus. she always considered how these connections would benefit her.

Darius stopped talking to her and Alador the day she asked him out, Eda was a write-off the moment she rejected the Emperor's Coven, let alone when she changed into the owl beast, and she hadn't known Raine very long and they took Darius' side anyhow.

she kept contact with Lilith and Perry. this is already canon for Lilith, and from this we now know how Lilith became Amity's mentor; a relationship that was distant by design, as Odalia didn't really speak to Lilith often until she became coven head, as she knew she was a soft touch under her severe facade and had the authority to get Odalia to ease up on the family. Perry was mainly used for pr, they were classmates and he always had trouble saying no to her.

i feel like the shift happens before Odalia and Al have kids. since they are 48 at the start of the series, they must have been 32 when the twins were born. Odalia would have wanted to hit the ground running right after they graduated, and probably married Al just as fast both out of passion and convenience in terms of combining their finances. that's about 14 years for the relationship to degrade into a business partnership as Odalia fixated on expanding the business. along the way she gets a fake brand and doesn't tel Al, because even she's suspicious but isn't willing to lose any social standing.

they have the twins and she initially leaves most of the childcare to Alador, she's long since lost the ability to care about people unless they're useful and that extends to her children. she uses Al to manipulate all three kids, always has him by her side when telling them what to do, telling him that it's what was best for them, that they would thank the both of them for it.

aside from policing their appearance and grades, or threatening to put them to work to Al, she could care less about what happens to the twins, Amity is the one with better opportunity for networking/spying (being the same age as Boscha), and is seemingly both more intelligent and easier to control.

after Belos makes false promises of prestige and presumably lies about the exact effect of the draining spell involving death, she ensures Amity would have been the only student not to be given a real brand.

she also ensures the twins do first, just in case someone eventually figures out the plan.

all of this is to say, the old Hex Squad is griping about how she never cared about any of them blah blah blah. she points out that no, she did actually like them back in school.

Alador remembers their dates and their wedding, so happy and sweet, Perry remembers Odalia standing up for him against bullies, Darius remembers shit talking others with her, Eda remembers sparring with her, Lilith remembers her helping her study.

it hurts. it hurts so much more than it already did. they could handle her never caring and just manipulating them all, been there done that, but she cared, and that means at some point she just... stopped.

#the owl house #odalia blight #alador blight #eda clawthorne #lilith clawthorne #darius deamonne #perry porter #raine whispers #amity blight #emira blight #edric blight

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blueskittlesart · 2 years ago

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I absolutely ADORE your analysis about LOZ and it’s really made me think more about the franchise (and BOTW in particular, which I… may have a slight addiction to playing?)

You’re the Zelda Person to me, so I was wondering if you had any ideas on what would happen if Link or Zelda died before their cycle was complete. Would the world just… immediately reincarnate them? Would it be some sort of irreversible failure and Ganondorf would win?

(also, I’ve heard theories that there was supposed to be someone who isn’t Ganondorf who would get the Triforce of Power, but because of his interference they were just never found/never found the Triforce of Power and I was wondering what you thought about that)

Canonically this has happened! i don't even need to theorize because we have a genuine canon instance of a link dying before he defeats ganon lol. I don't know how familiar you are with the loz game timeline, but due to a time-travel mechanic in ocarina of time, the timeline splits into multiple potential outcomes after oot. there are three separate ways the confrontation with ganondorf in oot can go for the hero of time--he can win and go back in time, win and stay an adult, OR he can lose and fall at the hands of ganondorf. in the timeline where the hero of time dies, the next reincarnation cycle takes place during a link to the past. this game is a few hundred years or so after the death of the hero of time and oot's zelda, so we actually do know for certain that the reincarnation doesn't happen immediately. to keep hyrule safe after the hero of time's death, oot's zelda and the sages seal ganon into the corrupted sacred realm, but the damage to hyrule has already been done and it enters an era of decline. by the time alttp link is born, hyrule is a much smaller and less powerful kingdom than it was during oot. however, alttp ends with the new link and zelda successfully defeating ganon, so one link's failure doesn't necessarily mean the end for hyrule either!

as for your second question, there are a couple instances I can think of of someone who isn't ganon trying to get their hands on the triforce and/or generally fuck with hyrule, but usually these characters are secondary antagonists serving ganon somehow. the only instance i can think of of an antagonist who ISN'T directly a minion of ganon is vaati, who appears in minish cap & the four swords games. vaati explicitly wants power and goes after the triforce for this reason, but it's unclear if he's a demise incarnation or just some idiot who wants to be king. (i think he probably isn't a demise incarnation solely because he was originally minish, not human, but that deals with a bunch of lore stuff we don't need to get into rn.) so yeah, there are other people who occasionally try to get at the triforce, but if ganon exists in their version of hyrule they're usually serving him.

If you mean someone other than ganon inheriting the physical power of the triforce of power post-oot-triforce-split, most games that follow oot are still dealing with oot's ganondorf because for whatever reason he really doesn't like to stay dead. in a hypothetical instance where he DID reincarnate, i don't think there's any reason the triforce of power wouldn't end up with the "new ganon" (meaning the new incarnation of demise, whatever form it might take.) if wisdom and power have reliably followed around the same hero and princess's bloodine/spirits for hundreds of years, i see no reason why power wouldn't also follow ganon/demise's spirit around after being initially bonded to it. It's possible that a new ganon might not LIKE inheriting the power or choose to use it in a different way than his predecessors, but i think on some level it's always going to be a version of ganon who ends up with it.

#had to break out the historia for this one. society if the timeline wasn't so awful to remember #asks

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metalnecklace · 1 year ago

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I Was Raised Out In The Cold

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Words: 8099

Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Brief Mentions of Death/Violence, Injuries/Head Trauma, P in V Smut, Unsafe Sex (wrap it up, folks).

Notes: Here is the second part to Forgive My Northern Attitude. I wrote way more than I expected, but I’m really happy with it! I hope this redeems how I left the first part. Also I played through the game before I watched the show so if it’s obvious then I’m sorry. Also also, I have dealt with the injuries in this part before so I’m basing recovery/treatment on what I went through when having to deal with that.

Masterlist

Part I

Three Months Later (Autumn)

I tried not to think about that night. About him. About the way he held me so close, as if he was afraid to lose me. I knew in that moment I was afraid to lose him. I didn’t know that I would.

Ever since he closed my front door on us I decided to close my heart to him. We barely spoke unless necessary, and I tried my hardest to keep my distance from him. Ellie had suspiciously been getting closer to me, but I didn’t mind as long as he didn’t join her.

One day she asked about us at lunch. “What’s up with you and Joel?”

I shrugged. “Not much.”

She rolled her eyes and sat back with her arms crossed. “You can’t fool me. How do you guys know each other?”

“We were friends before the outbreak. That’s it, that’s all.” I continued keeping my eyes down and focused on the food I was stabbing with my fork.

We sat eating in silence for a few more minutes, and I thought I was off the hook. “You probably already know how stubborn he is, but he does eventually give in. I promise.”

I looked up and saw that she was genuine with her words. She looked at me with concern that only someone who actually cared could have.

“Thank you, Ellie.”

She smiled. “Anytime.”

Joel and I continued existing around each other until even Tommy couldn’t take it. I walked in on him and Joel arguing after he’d called me into his office.

“You’re fucking stupid if you think I’m goin’ out there with her.” Joel was standing with his back to the door, and I tried my hardest to ignore the ghost of how it felt to pull that back closer to my body.

“I hope you’re not talking about me,” I said, causing Joel’s shoulders to tense up even further toward his ears. He spun to face me and his eyes held a look that I couldn’t figure out.

“(Y/N). Glad you could join us.” Tommy was sitting at his desk, looking amused at the scowl etched onto Joel’s features.

I walked further into the room, closing the door behind me. “What’s going on, Tommy?”

Tommy’s eyes darted between me and Joel, no doubt noticing how hard I was trying to ignore the older man. “I’m sending you guys out on patrol to one of our safe houses in the north. There’s reports of infected hiding out there and I need them cleared out. We have a lot of supplies up there and can’t afford to lose the place.”

“But why us?” Joel asked before I could. “Why can’t you and I go up?”

Tommy raised an eyebrow at his brother. “You know Maria doesn’t want me going out as much right now, and you two haven’t been out on patrol together yet. I’m trying to change things up.”

“If we haven’t been out before then do you really think it’s safest to try this now?” Joel was nearly shouting, gritting his teeth to keep his voice level.

Tommy stood up so he could look Joel in the face. “You two are the best shooters here, you work your asses off, and look out for everyone else before yourselves. I have no doubt in my mind that you’re the two to do it. Also, it might help get the stick that’s shoved up your ass out once and for all.”

The brothers stared at each other for a moment, I didn’t dare speak. “I could just say no,” Joel finally said.

“You could,” Tommy shrugged, “but you won’t.”

Joel grunted then turned toward the door, throwing it open. Before he left he looked at me. “We leave at dawn, be ready by the stables.”

He slammed the door before I could even give a response.

“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”

“Nope,” Tommy replied, lips popping on the P. “Just please make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid.”

“I’ll try my best,” I grumbled. “But I make no promises.”

I slept fitfully that night, my dreams filled with a scowling face and slamming doors. When I rose for the day it was much earlier than I wanted, which meant I not only had enough time to get my horse saddled up, but his as well. He didn’t seem too pleased when he walked in to see me tightening the girth on his saddle.

“I could’ve done all that.” He walked over and took his bridle off the wall.

“A ‘thank you’ would be nice,” I snarked, not even bothering to look his way.

I could hear him stop in his tracks, pausing before continuing to tack his horse. “Thank you.”

I didn’t respond, mounting my horse and riding her out of the barn. Joel’s grunt let me know he mounted his horse behind me and followed my path. I allowed him to take the lead, since he’d been up to that particular safe house more than I had.

We rode in complete silence as the sun started to rise, warming us up. The sight of Jackson during the fall always took my breath away, but it was nothing compared to the way the rising sunlight shone through the red and yellow leaves that morning, casting golden rays on the mountains. Joel slowed down so he could take in the same landscape, and I was pleased to see he still knew how to enjoy his natural surroundings.

He turned to me as much as he could in his saddle. “Well, you always did wanna be surrounded by nature.”

I snorted, shaking my head. It was easy to forget for a moment that I was mad at him, that he had walked out after we opened ourselves up to each other that night.

He turned and continued leading us on our journey. If we continued the way we were we would make it to the safe house within the hour. I was starting to get nervous about what we would be facing, but I couldn’t let Joel know that. He already didn��t want to be working beside me, who knew how he’d feel knowing I was also unsure about my abilities.

Eventually we tied our horses up far enough away from the safe house that if any infected ran out they’d hopefully steer clear, and then made our way to our mission. The only sound between the two of us was the crunch of the leaves under our boots and our breaths heavy from our journey, and possibly our nerves. We came across our target and Joel held his arm out in front of me, stilling our movements, as the sound of moaning and snarling rose from the house.

“Did he say how many there might be?” I whispered, getting my gun ready.

His only answer was the shaking of his head as he mirrored my movements, aiming his gun in front of his body. I glanced at the way his strong hands gripped firm around his weapon, and I shook the image of those hands gripping my thighs out of my head. There was no time to be fantasizing.

We crouched low and made our way to the house, listening in to try and asses the number of bodies we’d have to take care of. I was sure I could distinctly hear at least four different infected, but it was impossible to say for sure until we investigated further.

Joel looked to me, pointing toward a window that had been boarded up. The boards had clearly been ripped apart, leaving a gaping hole to the house. We shuffled closer and I peeked in, looking around what I assumed had been a kitchen. There were no infected in the room, so we lifted ourselves through the window and crept over to where we could hide from the next room.

From our vantage point we were able to see two infected in the living room. I turned to Joel who nodded toward the one on the left, my target. As we advanced forward slowly, he took the right, and we jumped the infected from behind, shoving our knives into the sides of their necks. It was easy work, and, most importantly, silent.

We made our way through the house exactly like that. Silent, swift, with devastating accuracy. There were seven infected in total, and we wiped each one out, only having to fire a few rounds into the last three. I was always nervous about firing our guns, especially when we were further from Jackson, but I knew that the only infected around to hear were dead.

Or so I thought.

“Alright, let’s make sure the gear is untouched,” Joel mumbled.

I nodded and began going through the cupboards to check on the canned goods. “Guess Tommy didn’t need his best shooters after all.”

Joel chuckled. “Yeah, I have a feelin’ he was exaggerating his story.”

We still worked in silence, but it no longer felt as heavy as it had that morning. I missed Joel and just being in his company. It had been so long.

“Everything is accounted for and untouched,” I confirmed once I had checked through each room. We were standing in one of the upstairs bedrooms searching through the closets for hidden ammo.

“I just need to check the bathroom,” Joel said.

I stopped him with a hand on his chest. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll check while you radio Tommy downstairs.”

As I went to pull my hand away he grabbed onto it, keeping it held to his heartbeat. “Hey, you put in a lot of work, why don’t you rest up while I take care of both?”

I shook my head and pulled my hand away. “Joel, I’m fine, I’ll just check the bathroom.”

“So stubborn,” he said, turning to go downstairs.

I turned to face his retreating form. “Oh, I’m stubborn?”

He sighed, stopping in his tracks and tilting his head back. “We’re really gonna do this now?”

“No, you’re right, nevermind.” I threw my hands up then walked toward the bathroom. “Let’s just ignore it, cause that’s been working out so well for us.”

He turned as I started opening the door. “(Y/N), come on-“

He was cut off as an infected burst through the door that I had opened, pushing me back toward the far wall of the bedroom. Joel yelled my name, cocking his gun and firing at the creature. I couldn’t get my hands free as I pushed the infected off of me as best as I could, my feet carrying me back closer and closer to the window behind me.

Joel shot again, the infected finally howling in pain as it gave me one final shove before dropping to the floor. I stumbled back, tripping over a board that was sticking up and yelped at the feeling of lightning shooting up from my right ankle. All I heard was Joel shouting my name before my back collided with the window, glass shattering around me as I fell through the air and slammed into the earth below. My head hit the ground and everything went black.

I awoke to Joel hovering over me, his hands feeling my forehead and neck gingerly.

“Shit, sweetheart, I’m right here. I got you,” he cooed, cradling my face in his hands.

I groaned, a splitting headache making its way to my eyes. I tried to sit up but Joel pressed his hands to my shoulders, keeping me pinned.

“I just have to make sure nothin’s broken or bleedin’ first, okay?” He looked at me for permission, but I couldn’t even bring myself to answer. I felt tears spring to the corners of my eyes, not sure if it was embarrassment or pain, but knowing it was probably both.

He checked me over, his hands moving carefully and softer than I’d ever seen or felt. It was hard to believe the callouses that were worn into his skin and the knuckles that were scarred from fighting belonged to the same man who looked at me with those eyes. The more he touched me the more I felt myself melting for him.

“J-Joel,” I stuttered, tears starting to stream down my cheeks. “Joel, it hurts.”

“I know, sweetheart, I know.” He pulled back. “Where does it hurt?”

I found myself wiggling slightly, trying to pinpoint exactly where the pain was coming from. “My head, and my ankle. Mostly my ankle.”

His fingers moved behind my head, swiping over what I was sure to be a nasty bump, but his skin was clean when he pulled away. No blood. He looked relieved to see that, but concern took over once more when he moved to check my ankle. I hissed at the slightest movement as he carefully pulled my pant leg up. I thanked whatever spiritual being was watching over us that I had worn my lace up boots that day instead of my usual pull ons, since even taking one of those off hurt incredibly bad.

“Fuck, baby,” he hissed, not even daring to touch what I was assuming was a very swollen ankle. “I don’t think it’s broken, but it’s definitely sprained.”

“Shit,” I could feel a sob trying to break from my chest, but I didn’t want Joel to see me that weak. “What am I gonna do?”

“We,” he began, “are going to wrap this with the first aid kit from the kitchen. Then we are getting you home.”

He bent down further and placed a hand under my head and between my shoulders. With his help I was able to sit up, though the ground seemed to move slightly under me.

“I’m a bit dizzy,” I confessed, placing a hand out so he would slow down.

“Yeah I’d say you have a pretty nasty concussion.” He sighed. “You really did a number on yourself. We’ll go slow, okay? I just gotta get you standing.”

“I didn’t do it to myself,” I groaned, trying to lean on him enough so I could push myself up onto one foot. “It’s not my fault.”

He shook his head. “Still fighting even after falling from a second story window.”

I felt bad leaning my entire weight on him so I could stand up, considering I was feeling quite weak from my fall and the shock running through my system. He didn’t seem to mind though, and barely made a sound as he half carried me into the house. He walked me over to a couch that was up against the living room wall and helped me lay back down.

“I’m gonna radio Tommy to let him know we’ll be a bit delayed coming back, then I’ll get you wrapped up okay?”

I nodded, then winced at the pain from the movement. He went into the kitchen and I heard the sound of the radio as he muttered into it. Even though I strained to listen I still couldn’t make out a thing he said, and decided to wait for him to come back. As I waited my eyelids started feeling extremely heavy, and I felt a blanket of sleep start to pull me under.

“Don’t fall asleep on me, sweetheart.” Joel’s drawl pulled me back out from the fog I had been in. “We can’t have that with your head, don’t want you not waking back up on me.”

I groaned but obeyed. “I’m so tired.”

“I know.” He pulled a chair up to the bottom half of the couch, opening up the first aid kit on his lap. “Just keep those pretty eyes on me, darlin’.”

I did as I was told, admiring his capable hands as he held my ankle as gently as he could. It was hard to hold in my cries of pain but I tried my best for him. I didn’t want him to feel bad about hurting me, considering he was only helping.

Joel held the wrap in his hands and began to loop it around my foot and ankle with expertise. It started to feel better when it was supported by the tightening fabric, but I suspected some of that had to do with the man who was taking such good care of me.

“There,” he said, his voice gruff but I could still hear the hint of care under his tone.

“Thank you, Joel,” I grunted, trying to get up.

He reached out and stopped me yet again. “Woah there, let’s take it easy. I gotta pack everything up and I’m gonna bring the horses over. There’s no way you’re walking for very long.”

“You’re gonna leave me here?” I knew I didn’t need to be too afraid, we had hopefully cleared out the infected around us, but the thought of him not being next to me made my hands start to tremble.

“Oh, sweetheart, I swear I won’t be more than ten minutes, okay?” He laid his hand on my forehead and smoothed back my hair. He leaned over and took his gun off the floor and placed it in my hands so it was aimed toward the hallway. “If you see anybody that isn’t me, don’t even hesitate.”

I nodded. “I know, Joel.”

I waited alone, barely breathing, for what felt like hours until Joel announced his arrival. He came into the room with his hands up as if I had him pinned, making me chuckle as I lowered the gun.

“So here’s the plan,” he said as he took the gun from my hands and slung it over his shoulder. “We need to get you on that horse. Do you think we can do that?”

I thought for a moment about everything it would take to do that, then nodded slowly.

“Are you able to put any weight on it?”

I had already gotten myself into a seated position while I waited for him, but that was all I dared to do. He watched as I wiggled my toes slightly, then maneuvered myself so my feet were on the floor. I winced as I put pressure on my foot, but held my hand out to stop Joel from trying to help.

“I’m just gonna hold your hand to help you, I promise that’s it.” He was looking into my eyes helping me feel more determined than ever. We were the only ones in the room and we might as well have been the only ones on earth as I focused on him and the rough surface of his palm on mine.

I used his support as I pushed myself up off the couch into a standing position. The floor shifted slightly causing Joel to let go and hold onto my shoulders instead.

“I’m okay, just a bit dizzy still,” I reassured him, then took a tentative step. I immediately hissed in pain. “Fuck, that really hurts. I’ve sprained my ankles before but not this bad.”

“I know, sweetheart.” His voice rumbled through me and I closed my eyes, allowing it to soothe my nerves. “We’re just going to go slow. The hardest part is just outside, then it’s smooth sailing, okay?”

I opened my eyes to find his already on me. My breath hitched in my throat.

“I promise.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “Okay, Joel.”

With my arm over his shoulder I hobbled outside, putting as little weight as possible on my ankle. I whimpered when we got to the side of my horse, panic rising in my throat. How was I going to do this?

“I’m gonna need you to lean back on me, sweetheart. Your good foot is going in that stirrup and you’re gonna pull yourself up okay?” His lips brushed against the shell of my ear and I couldn’t help the shiver that rippled through my body.

I did as he instructed, groaning at the pain shooting through my toes and up my leg. His arms wrapped around my middle, pulling me into him. I tried to lift my other leg up but my back muscles were pulled taught, and I felt like my energy was sucked out of me.

“I think I hurt my back more than I thought,” I panted, still trying to lift my leg.

One of his hands left my middle and moved down to grip my outer thigh, his fingers wrapping around my leg and helping me lift it high enough that I could get my foot in the stirrup.

“Alright, I’m gonna push you up a bit, but I’m gonna need you to really step with that good foot,” he grunted.

“It’s okay, I can do it,” I said, panting even before the hardest part.

Using every bit of strength I had, I hoisted myself up into the saddle, my opposite leg dangling in the air beside the stirrup. Joel walked over and adjusted the stirrup so it would be sitting looser than usual, and his hands roamed up to my ankle and calf to help my foot get set in place, but not before fitting my boot back on. For the cold, he told me, making sure it wasn’t too tight.

“I know it’s still gonna ache a bit, but hopefully not too bad,” he said, raising his eyes to mine with the warmth of his hands radiating through my jeans. He kept them there for another breath and then pulled them away hesitantly. “Are you gonna be alright?”

I nodded. “As long as we take it slow I should be fine.”

“We can do that,” he agreed. “It might take us longer to get back but I’d be out here all day as long as you feel alright.”

My lungs emptied at his words, and I found myself wishing I was back under him. Feeling the weight of his body pressing down into mine, holding me, keeping me tethered to the earth.

I pulled my gaze away, breaking my line of thought. I couldn’t do that to myself, I didn’t dare dream about Joel Miller. He sighed and walked over to his horse, swinging his leg up and over with ease. Once he was seated he turned to check my progress. I nodded once, and we set off.

The trail to the safe house was luckily not one known for its rough terrain, it was just lengthy. Usually it would take patrollers two hours to reach the house, and two hours to go back home. It took us three until we could see the Jackson gate.

Although my ankle was throbbing, it didn’t feel like it took us as long as we did. The only way we could tell any time passed was because the sun had started to set. Joel hadn’t spoken a word, only glancing behind every once in a while to check on me, leaving me to my thoughts. And did they ever race.

After trying to steer my mind to more appropriate things, I found that the only way to distract myself from the pain was by focusing on the broad back in front of me. The way his jacket puffed out over his torso, but still stretched slightly over his shoulders. Even under the layers I could tell his strength, and longed to feel him let go. Let me feel it.

I was nearly salivating by the time he stopped in front and half turned to check on me.

“Doin’ alright?”

“Y-yeah,” my voice nearly broke after not talking for so long, “just exhausted.”

He nodded and looked to where Jackson was. “Just a few more minutes and we’ll be there. I’ll make sure to help you off and everything, I know that’ll not be too fun.”

“Right. Thank you.”

I could barely feel my foot, the swelling too much against the confines of my boot, but I wiggled my toes every once in a while to make sure I still could. When we finally passed the gates I felt myself nearly give out, slumping over the horn of my saddle slightly. Joel was already in front of me, holding the reins to his horse and taking mine out of my loosening grip.

“It’s alright, we’re here.” His voice was soothing, my port in a storm. “Just keep it up for a few more minutes, I’m getting us to your place first so you won’t have to walk far.”

I didn’t answer him but knew he would do what was needed. All of my strength was being used to keep myself awake and alert as I hung onto the horn of the saddle for dear life. Every step had my body shift forward, making it harder to stay upright. Luckily my house came into view and I knew we were only a few more steps away.

When we arrived he rushed over to my good side, and instructed me to swing my bad leg over so I could slide down and land on one foot. His hands held onto my waist, helping me down slowly until I was on my good foot, and I gingerly placed my other on the ground.

“It’s really stiff,” I groaned.

“Do you think you can walk on it a bit? Just to get you inside?” His eyes searched my face looking for any indication of pain.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so,” I said, still a bit out of breath from the dismount. “I’ll be fine, I just need to lay down.”

He helped me place my arm around his shoulders and together we hobbled into my house. I went to direct him to where my bedroom was but realized I didn’t need to. He found it as if he’d been there a thousand times, as if it were his house, not just the house he snuck out of in the early hours of the morning.

I sat down on my bed and watched as he bent down on one knee to take my boot off. I was mesmerized by his gentle touch and watchful eyes, remembering the last time we were in that room. A heat pooled low in my belly and my thighs involuntarily clenched together.

“Sorry, I know it hurts,” he said. He had no idea. “I’m gonna go get Tommy and Maria, they were gonna get the doctor, so I’ll be right back. Why don’t you change into something comfortable?”

“Okay,” I said. “Thank you, Joel.”

He stood up and looked at me. I felt my breath falter as time stood still under his gaze. He nodded and walked away. Maria and Tommy came in with the doctor not long after, but Joel didn’t come with them. They confirmed it wasn’t a break, and that I definitely had a concussion but I was okay to rest up. Maria made sure my curtains were drawn tight so my eyes wouldn’t be as sensitive to the light, and they made sure to give me time to rest.

A week passed by with Maria and the doctor coming in to check on me a few times a day as I rested and tried to regain my strength. My head wasn’t aching as much as before but my ankle was still quite tender. I was trying to put more and more weight on it each day but it was hard to stay determined. Joel flooded my thoughts throughout the day and at night my dreams tended to revolve around my mixed feelings toward him.

I was upset he hadn’t visited. Even Ellie had visited at least once a day. She said I needed entertainment, which apparently meant bad jokes and then hounding me about Joel.

“Was he less grumpy before?” She asked one day while I made us some soup to fight off the chill in the air.

I shrugged. “I think we all were.”

“You two were friends, though?”

I turned to her. She was sitting at my kitchen table shuffling cards, but I knew that little smile she wore had different intentions than just curiosity.

“Yes.” I turned back to the pot on the stove. “I already told you that before.”

“I know, it’s just hard to imagine him making friends.” She laughed a bit, the cards flipping through her hands with small swishes. “He doesn’t tell me too much about before, but he has started opening up about Sarah more.”

“He was friends with my brother first,” I said quickly, not sure Joel would want us talking about Sarah. “I was his and Tommy’s mechanic.”

“You were a mechanic?” Ellie asked, her hands pausing their movements. “That’s so cool! There were a few at FEDRA, but they were mostly all men.”

“Yeah, it was a pretty male dominated profession before too.” I turned off my stove, giving the soup one last stir before going to sit in front of Ellie. I had taught her ‘go fish’ and it was her favourite thing to play on rainy days. It also helped pass the time while I was healing.

I was reminded of Freddy. All that time playing cards while we waited for his treatments in the hospital. Us playing games we played as kids just to keep the air lighthearted.

She dealt out our cards. “So, you were close?”

“Close enough, I guess.” I picked up my cards, fanning them out in front of me. “We would just hang out on weekends, having barbecues or hang outs. Nothing crazy, certainly never serious.”

Ellie nodded, but didn’t say anything. The silence that hung between us was filled with questions she didn’t dare voice. She didn’t have to.

“My brother and Tommy fought in the army together, and then stayed close when they came home.” I stacked my cards together face down on the table so I could look at Ellie. “He introduced them to me because I was just starting up my shop.”

Ellie was patient, letting me tell her what I felt comfortable telling her. I understood how she and Joel got along. She knew the right questions to ask to get you talking, but was respectful enough to let you take the lead. It was easy to see the understanding she felt toward me, and I could only imagine the amount she felt toward Joel.

“My brother got very sick. He was getting treatments that made him quite weak, so he was living with me. Did Joel tell you about the flour?”

She nodded, her cards long forgotten.

“Well, he had some. Got infected.” I looked down at my hands. They laid steady on the wood in front of me. “Joel… Took care of him.”

Ellie gasped slightly, barely loud enough for me to hear. “(Y/N), I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head, my eyes welling up. “No, no, it’s okay. It happened so long ago now that I’ve made peace with his passing. The last year he was alive I went to sleep each night wishing he was no longer in pain. Praying for some relief. I guess I should’ve been more specific.”

I looked up to find Ellie chewing on her lip. It was a lot to take in for a young girl, but I knew she wasn’t a typical young girl.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” she said finally.

“Thank you for listening.” I smiled and picked up my cards. “Now, get ready to be schooled.”

After another week I had most of my strength back, my ankle and head were feeling much better, and I had given up hope that Joel would grace my doorstep. That was until I heard a tentative knock one night after I got ready to go to bed. I was confused as to who it was, because Maria’s knocks were forceful, announcing immediately who it was, and Ellie barely knocked anymore before barging in. When I opened the door I nearly rolled my eyes at the broad frame standing before me.

“What do you want, Joel?” I held onto the door, ready to slam it in his face.

He held his hands up in surrender. “I just want to talk. That’s all.”

I gnawed the inside of my lip, then moved out of the way for him. He wandered inside as if he had never seen my house in his life, so unlike the man who was so sure of where each room was when he led me inside after my injury. I gestured to the couch and sat down, twisting my body to face him as he followed my actions.

“Well?” I asked. “Talk.”

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for everything. For how I’ve treated you, for how I’ve ignored you. Most of all I’m sorry you’re going through this. I should have been the one to open that door, I should have insisted. It’s my fault you’re hurt.”

I shook my head, narrowing my eyes. “Don’t give me that.” His attention snapped to my tone, surprised at my cruelty. “Joel, if you would have opened that door you would have been in the same place as me, if not worse. So don’t give me that.”

“Yeah, but at least it wouldn’t have been you. You don’t deserve to be in pain.”

“Oh?” I scoffed. “And you do?”

He looked away from me, letting his silence speak for him.

“Joel, come on. When are you going to realize that you don’t need to take on everyone’s burdens?” I reached out and placed my hand on his knee, but he still wouldn’t look at me. “You don’t need to repent for your sins, you don’t need to sacrifice yourself for anything. You are not something that needs to be saved or fixed, you are not broken.”

Joel shook his head and stood up, pacing in front of me. He came to a stop and turned to face me. His eyes were glassy, his cheeks flushed, and I wanted to go to him and press my thumb against his trembling bottom lip to keep it still. I didn’t.

“How can you even look at me, (Y/N)?” His voice broke on my name and I could feel my chest ache for him. “After all the things I’ve done. The things you’ve seen me do.”

Images of bloody knuckles, split eyebrows and lips, and Joel’s eyes devoid of emotion entered my head. The sounds of pleading and cries for help clogged my ears until I nearly plugged them. Then the blood that splattered against the wall behind my brother was all I could see, the screaming becoming my own, Joel’s face, his eyes. The realization of what he’d done. I shook my head trying to rid myself of the horror.

“I did things too, Joel. We were trying to survive. You can’t blame yourself.” I looked at my hands, the same ones that killed for our survival alongside him. “I think we’ve lost enough to have made up for it.”

“But you’ve stopped. You stopped all of that well before I did. Fuck, (Y/N), I just put a bullet through every single person who was only trying to save the world, just because of my own gain.” He broke off in a sob, wrapping his arms around himself. “I couldn’t lose her, (Y/N). I couldn’t let them take her. They’ve taken so much, and they weren’t even going to let her choose.”

I stood and went over to him, unwrapping his arms and wrapping my own around him. He hugged me back, cradling my head in one of his hands, and gripped the back of my shirt with his other. His shoulders and chest heaved as he cried, and I held him through it. I wasn’t sure what had happened with him and Ellie, but knew that he would tell me one day when he was comfortable. The best I could do was give him that space, and allow him to work through what he was feeling.

He spoke after calming down. “I just don’t want you being disappointed in what I have to offer.”

“What do you mean?” I pulled back slightly.

He shrugged, but wouldn’t look at me.

“Joel.”

His eyes flashed to mine, a fire burning deep in the pools of them. “I’m working on being a better person, for me, for Tommy, for Ellie, for…” he trailed off, gesturing slightly toward me. “But you shouldn’t be getting yourself attached to a work in progress.”

“I think it might be too late for that,” I lowered my voice as if I was afraid we could be heard outside our private bubble. “Joel, I’ve been trying to forget you all these years, but you keep coming back. I want to let you in but you have to let me, and you can’t just run off whenever you get scared.”

Joel nodded.

“We work through things together, okay?” I rubbed my hands up and down his chest. “We take care of each other. Because we’re in this together, no matter what.”

“Okay,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “It won’t be perfect, but I want to try my best for you. As long as you’ll have me.”

I chuckled. “I don’t want perfect, I just want you.”

“Can I kiss you?” His hand that was on the back of my head moved lower to cradle my neck, while his other hand still splayed across my lower back. “I’ve wanted to kiss you again since that night, but I didn’t want you to be disappointed when you saw me still there.”

“Joel, I was disappointed that you weren’t there.” I sighed. “When are you going to get it through your head that I actually want you here? That I want you with me?”

He hung his head, but I placed my knuckle under his chin to angle him back up.

“I want you to kiss me, Joel. I want you to take me to bed and have your way with me. I want you to ruin me for anyone else. I want you,” I leaned in, my lips brushing against his, “Joel.”

“Fuck,” he whispered before closing the gap between us.

There was no pain in the back of my mind once I felt that man’s lips on mine. No aches in my head or ankle, no screaming in my ears, no blood splattered behind my eyelids. Everything was just him. Just Joel.

He pulled back and peppered kisses along my jaw, trailing his way to my ear. “Baby, let me take care of you the way I should’ve been all this time.”

I moaned as his teeth nipped at the skin directly under my ear. His hands gripped me closer until I was pressed so tightly to him I thought I would shatter, but felt comfort knowing he’d be there to pick up the pieces.

“Joel, take me to bed, please.” I pulled away from him and reached out for his hand, threading our fingers together.

He followed me to my room and spun me around as soon as we crossed the doorway. I whimpered into his mouth as he pressed our lips together once again, and pulled him closer to me.

Joel pulled away with a gasp, struggling to catch his breath. “Sweetheart, I want to keep going, but are you sure you’re okay?”

I felt his hand brush the back of my head and I nodded. “Yes, Joel, I promise I’m okay.” I held his face between my hands, forcing his eyes to meet mine. “You won’t hurt me. It’s okay. Don’t hold back.”

His eyes flitted down to my lips, then off to the side.

“Joel, look at me,” I demanded. His eyes snapped to mine, the hunger renewed within them. “Don’t hold back. I want to feel everything.”

“Strip,” he growled, stepping back to give me space. “Then get on the bed.”

I nearly ripped my clothes off, too impatient to make the act look good for him, and climbed onto the bed. When I turned to face him he was already naked, stroking his cock slowly while pinning me in place with his gaze. My lips fell open at the sight of him, completely at ease, yet ready to tear me apart. I let my legs widen and his eyes traveled down between them, where my core was clenching around nothing.

Joel walked forward, getting ready to kneel down but I closed my legs, making him pause his actions.

“I need you, all of you, right now.”

He chuckled. “But I need to get you ready for me, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“Please, I need it,” I whined. “I need all of you. I want to feel every last inch of your cock, Joel.”

“Fuck, sweetheart.” He crawled onto the bed and sat back on his knees, lining himself up with my entrance.

“Don’t hold back,” I reminded him again.

He bottomed out in one thrust, and my head was thrown back involuntarily. The sound that ripped from my throat was unrecognizable, a guttural moan that broke off into a whine as he slowly pulled back out. He slammed his hips into me again with a grunt, and continued at that pace. Hard thrusts and slow drags of his cock, though he never fully pulled out. The tip of his cock was always left in, keeping our bodies connected, along with the bruising grip he kept on my hips.

My head was still thrown back on my pillow until I felt him lean forward just enough to grab a handful of my hair on the very top. He pulled my head up so I could look at him, and I whimpered as he continued his punishing pace.

“There you go, baby, just like that,” he cooed while circling my clit with his fingers, his other hand tightening its grip on my roots. “Just like that, you’re such a good girl for me.”

My orgasm was coming on almost too fast for me to wrap my head around. His fingers danced over my swollen bud as I nearly screamed his name over and over until I came. The waves of my pleasure rolling over me, dragging me under, his voice the only thing bringing me back to the surface.

“There you go, fuck, baby. Look at you, so beautiful, so good for me,” he babbled, his voice rumbling through my veins. “Turn over baby, I wanna cum all over you.”

My limbs felt liquified as he helped me turn over onto my belly. I didn’t dare try to hold myself up and stayed laying flat between his legs. He reached over me, his cock nestled against my ass while he grabbed a pillow. I lifted my hips up enough for him to wedge the pillow under my hips, keeping me in the right position for him.

“Look at this pretty pussy,” he drawled. “She’s all mine, so wet and ready, all for me.”

He spread my ass and I blushed at being fully revealed to him, then almost laughed at the absurdity of that. I moaned when I felt his tip nudge at my entrance, then moaned again when he pushed in until he was snug against me.

“Fuck, baby, I’m not gonna last long,” he said.

My walls were so sensitive as he continued the same as he did before, slamming his hips flush against my ass, making sure I could feel every part of him when he pulled out slowly. I could barely make a sound, my entire body felt like it was on fire.

Joel moved forward so one hand held him up over me, his other hand slid into my hair, pulling my head up so I could watch him. He pressed his lips to my shoulder, his eyes burning into mine, and our bodies flushed together so tight he was barely pulling out of me.

“S-so deep, Joel,” I stuttered out, his body pressing me into the mattress as he continued pushing in and in and in.

“I know, baby, I know,” he panted against my shoulder blade, then leaned forward to bite along my back. “I’m almost there, so fucking close.”

“I need it, Joel, I need you.” I was ready to pass out, feeling so overwhelmed by him, but I didn’t want him to stop.

His hips stuttered, and he sat back up so he could fully pull out. I groaned at the empty feeling, wiggling my hips in search of him. His hand came down onto my ass and I yelped, then sighed as I felt the first spurts of his cum on the sensitive skin.

“Fuck, baby, fuck,” he grunted, fucking his fist through his orgasm. “You look so good like this.”

“All for you,” I mumbled, feeling my eyelids shut.

He finished, breathing heavily behind me, and I waited for him to find something to clean me up, only to feel his hands stroking my ass. His finger ran through the cum rolling down my skin and slid down to my clit, making me jolt with the sensitivity.

“Oh, baby, look at you. Sensitive?” He asked, even though he knew the answer. Asshole. “Think you can give me one more?”

I whined as his fingers slipped around my clit, mixing our cum together.

“I think you can take it, sweetheart, come on.”

It didn’t take long, my orgasm ripped through me with just a few more circles from his fingers. I shuddered under him, my limbs trembling after I came back down. He moved to the bathroom to get a cloth and some water, then wiped it over my skin, cleaning himself off of me. I was still in awe at the gentle swipe of his hands over the most sensitive parts of my body, especially after remembering the brutality in how he handled any weapon.

He laid down next to me when he was done and pulled me over so I was snuggled up to his side. I looked at his body, and traced my fingers along the scars both old and new. I hadn’t realized that one of his scars was quite fresh the last time I had seen him like that, and hovered over it before moving on. I knew he would tell me when he was ready.

My eyes landed between his legs when he shifted slightly. “Hard again? Already?” He nodded and then hissed as I traced my finger over his velvet skin. “I’m surprised you can still get it up at all, old man.”

He laughed, the sound like music to my ears. “Oh, darlin’, for you? I don’t think I could ever stop.”

I smiled and tilted my head up to kiss him.

We fell asleep embracing each other, with the promise of continuing in the morning unspoken between us. When we did wake up halfway through the night in each others arms it was easy for him to roll me onto my back so he could fuck me again.

Only that time it was slow. He held me close and whispered every promise into my ear, while he took his time unraveling me. My thighs ached but I still held him in between them while I came, his name falling from my lips. He came not too far behind me, and then kissed my forehead, leaving his lips pressed there for a moment.

I fell asleep again that night in his arms, and woke up alone. Again.

I sat up, my heart breaking, only to hear the bathroom door close from the hallway. Joel came striding in while pulling a t-shirt on, his cock already straining against the fabric of his underwear.

He paused once his shirt was on and he realized I was awake. “Mornin’ sleepyhead. I was thinking of making breakfast, eggs, toast, all that good stuff. How does that sound?”

I watched his smile slide onto his face so easily and couldn’t help but mirror it. “That sounds perfect, Joel.”

He turned and walked toward the kitchen. I wondered for a moment how long he would stay, but I shook the thought out of my head. I threw on some clothes and went to join him. The sight of his broad back almost completely shielding my view of the stove had my heart soaring, and when I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his middle he started humming.

He turned slightly and kissed the top of my head. My smile was so big I thought my face would crack in half, and when I looked up into his eyes I knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

#Joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller x reader

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