#genuinely feel quite volatile about it actually

[wiltkingart]

admit it - you thought i wouldn't come back, gwynbleidd

[dead-boys-club]

†  type : katsuki.

❥ scenario: kat's type. + interactions, him as a partner, etc. ❥ no triggers; not rated. ❥ no beta readers; if you see mistakes, well- ❥ requested ♡ this is going to read like it has 20435078 contradictions, but stick with me, guys. this has a word count of 2,851. enjoy.

well, we've all seen izuku and eijiro--- i'm sorry

katsuki has, unsurprisingly, a very complex personality and if i'm honest, his ideal type could be split between two people, no in between. someone that matched his personality, which would lead to a very intense, somewhat tiring relationship or someone opposite of him.

now, let's keep in mind that his gruff, angry personality stems from a complex used to keep everyone unaware of his self doubt and extreme fear of failure or being left behind. i mean, he's kind of shit at hiding those things if no one's noticed but, it's still true.

due to these things, regardless of personality, he would want to date someone who is going to challenge and push him but who's also willing to see things no one else sees ---- and keeps their mouth shut about it. he's very strict on personal and impersonal. if it's said in private, keep it in private. he needs someone who is willing to understand on a level that the word doesn't even fully cover.

he is.. most likely going to lean towards someone a little softer than himself. i'd be willing to bet he realized this preference because the first option, someone who matched him, would end up volatile. his first experience of a toxic relationship would be with someone like this. not because they hurt each other on purpose - but because two people with fear, insecurities, rough personalities and a lot of need don't exactly do well together. ( koko knows from experience. )

✧*̥˚ specifics *̥˚✧

kat would easily be attracted to a girl who was independent and more or less strong willed. someone that doesn't let herself get walked on but also isn't going to hesitate to give the shirt off her back to someone in need. it's possible he would witness her getting taken advantage of at least once, simply because she wanted to help someone and genuinely didn't realize what the situation actually was. part of his complex would struggle with wanting someone who could depend on him but isn't completely unable to take care of or look after themselves - it would have to come down to a compromise. when she's with him, she doesn't have to worry about anything but when she's alone, he needs to know she can handle her own and not end up in a shitty situation. he would actually beam at seeing her take someone down, i kid you not. he wants to see her chasing her own goals and not letting anyone get in her way.. even when it comes to him.

she's going to have to be able to speak her mind and not hide anything from him. she's upset? she needs to say that. if she's pissed at him? she's going to have to say that. even if it's something that'll take time and he needs to help her grow in that area - he's going to respect the ability to speak up and be honest. why is this important? katsuki has a hard to handle personality that could easily hurt someone's feelings. she's going to need to be able to stand up to him, hold her own, not be intimated and quite honestly? have the ability to tell him to shut the hell up and sit down. not to be cruel but considering how he is, it'll need to be done once or twice. his communication skills kind of suck, so.. he'll actually be learning from her at that point. he needs someone who is going to push and challenge him to be better - in every aspect. hero and partner wise.

as stated above, kat is complex. without allowing it to become abusive, which i will be entirely honest and say is possible, he needs someone who is patient with his growth. depending on your view of him, his character growth is immense and honestly, depending on where you caught him.. it could easily turn toxic and hurtful. someone who is able to see through his exterior and recognize when it comes from vulnerability and insecurity but also someone who expects the same treatment in return. he knows he can be rough but he also knows he isn't entitled to someone who has to deal with that. it's not a one sided job and he doesn't expect it to be that way. there would be days he'd walk away for the simple fact he doesn't want her dealing with his feelings.

kat lives an up and down lifestyle, one that his partner would need to understand, otherwise it simply wouldn't work out. being a pro hero, he may not admit it, but she would have to understand the stress of his potential to not come home at the end of the day. he would prefer someone who did not have the same life style - not because of a complex or anything of the sort, but because he could become distracted if something really bad was going down. not that he'd blatantly turn someone down if they did, it's just low on the list. he'd assume it would be hard enough dealing with the stress and dangers of dating a pro - he couldn't imagine also being one.

bakugo katsuki does not fuck around when it comes to trust and loyalty. if you lose his trust, you're basically nonexistent to him. he values trust almost above anything else and needs someone with unwavering loyalty to him and it would be mutual. when kat puts his full trust in someone, he has no plans of leaving and he wants it to be mutual. he wants someone to have his back as much as he has hers. and it's not something that can be played with or compromised on.

at the end of the day - kat needs someone who's passionate and understanding. someone trusting. loving. someone who can tell him to fuck off or hold him on a rough day. someone who is wholly his that he trusts to become wholly hers. someone who is confident and strong. she needs to be able to navigate his personality while he learns to navigate hers - the entire relationship would need to be built on mutual respect and desire to be good to each other. she needs to challenge and support him, to stand by him, able to learn and build to have a strong dynamic for their partnership. she would need to be able to grow with him and help him grow as a hero and lover. every effort she put in would be returned.

✧*̥˚ affection from kat *̥˚✧

it would be very, very rare for kat to do any grand public displays. not that he would hide the relationship or give her no attention in public, he's just a lot more private. he is, by no means, ashamed. every person who was aware of his existence would one hundred percent, be aware of hers. in public, he would mostly just have a hand on her - holding her own, settled on her lower back. the most he would do would do is if he's tired, he'd be behind her with his forehead on her shoulder. he wouldn't kiss her in public, not on the lips. being a pro, there's at least one or two pictures of him kissing her temple or forehead. ( which, he's pretty pissed about, because people really can't respect shit. ) he is, surprisingly, attached and affectionate at home. most likely sleeps with his face buried against her neck.

despite his need for a partner who can take care of herself, he'd be quick to step between her and whatever could cause danger. not to mention, other people. he would, in his own playful manner, mutter about her being careless. he would worry a lot more than he gave off. i feel like it's not far fetched to say kat could be over protective, possibly to the point of getting into an argument or two. he does, however, like the idea of someone just as protective. he'd complain, of course he would, but the idea of his girlfriend standing up for him? god, he'd melt - in private.

kat loves to do things for her, his way of showing how he feels when he can't exactly get the words out. it's how he shows affection. one thing he picked up when moving in together, was making making meals for her - especially, breakfast. neither of them are allowed to leave the house in the morning unless they've eaten breakfast. this new habit came with an annoyed speech about taking care of herself, not wanting her to end up passed out somewhere, etc. he's also pretty great with words of encouragement and comfort when needed. he's gotten better over the span of the relationship, taking little notes and figuring out what makes her feel the best. he would take it pretty seriously, to be honest.

one of his most favorite things in the world is holding his lover, letting her tuck against him and hiding her away from the world. nothing at all would matter the moment they're curled up somewhere, only caring about themselves for even the shortest of minutes. kat does his best to leave his hero related things at the door when he comes home but he can't always promise that, so when it comes to sitting and just enjoying each others presence, he makes sure not a single thing can get in the way. he enjoys playing with her hands, fingers pressed against each other to compare them, smiling and nosing at her cheek and jaw. it's almost like the session is to make up for every moment he can't do something in public.

✧*̥˚ dates *̥˚✧

[ we're just gonna play off the 'no pro hero partner' ]

❥ training grounds: it could be his own ego but he would love inviting her to watch him train. if he was alone, he'd tug her out to train with him, most likely testing her self defense and hand to hand combat. he just wants to make sure she can always do her best to stay safe when he's not around - he would be surprised to end up on his ass at least once in combat not involving quirks. he would be beyond proud. it would almost always end with laying on the ground or a roof, staring up at the sky. which, would easily just end up as a second part of the date: stargazing or cloud watching.

❥ cooking together. oh boy. kat doesn't exactly like having others in the kitchen with him but when it comes to his lover, he can make an exception. well, sometimes. there would definitely be nights where he would sit her on the counter and just talk while he did the cooking. it wouldn't be every time but he likes nights where he can do things to just take care of them. it may not be the ideal type of date night for some but he would highly enjoy it. and, judging by the smiles and giggles he got; he would assume she did, too.

❥ late night walks and convenience store foods. it's rare that kat is up and moving too late into the night but on the occasion, he likes to take her out when not many people are going to be around to be bothersome. walking around at night is generally accompanied by hand holding, talking about things that he doesn't want the house's atmosphere to be ruined by. not exactly overly serious but things that just need to be aired out. plus, he gets to watch her light up over her favorite snacks and that's always a plus.

✧*̥˚ kat as a partner *̥˚✧

❥ we've already gone over loyalty but i cannot stress enough how committed to his partner he would be. there's next to nothing that can shake him - well, outside of the general things a shit partner can do. he's willing to sit and.. talk, argue.. about anything. as long as his partner doesn't do something to break his trust, hurt anyone around him, etc. he isn't going to step down very easily unless he's told to and then, he would still try to fight for the relationship, if it was called for. despite his loyalty, he would respect if his partner wanted to leave.

❥ he's not going to sugarcoat anything, so.. she'll need to be prepared for tough love. though, i feel as though kat has a weak spot for seeing his s/o cry so, there's that. depending on the situation, pulling out some puppy eyes and tears might just do the trick. the good part is that he's never going to lie or hide anything, regardless of how hard it may be to share something.

❥ he is the biggest support system that his s/o could possibly have. no one will ever be a bigger fan of her than him. doesn't matter what goals or dreams they have, he is going to be cheering them on.

❥ kat is a surprisingly loving partner, always having his partner's best interest in mind. he takes care of them; cooking, making sure they take meds, get rest, etc. outside of the misconception his exterior gives, he is a good partner to have. there may be off days, some arguments, but at the end of the day, no one is going to bed angry and things will be worked out.

✧*̥˚ tiny random scenario *̥˚✧

katsuki stood panting, sweat dripping down his face, near exhausted and aching from the last few hours of sparring with you. you stood only a few feet away, almost out of breath with a determined grin on your face.

'you good?' you called, wiping away the sweat at your collar. 'ready for another round? or are you finally going to forfeit?'

'oh, you wish,' he laughed, stretching his arms up above his head with a deep groan, 'come on, dumbass. don't think you can beat me just because you keep getting up. you haven't even won yet!'

you laughed in return, the sound light in the evening air as you stretched, preparing for another round against the blonde. while you were making sure you weren't going to lock up, you were distracted over how katsuki spaced out. something was clicking for him, watching how you stood there so confidently, preparing to attempt landing a hit on him and he was kind of lost. the way you brightened, the way you challenged him and didn't have a single thought of backing down. it all clicked out of nowhere, an undeniable realization.

you were definitely the one.

the way his heart skipped a bit and an unfamiliar warmth spread through his frame, he didn't even know what to do with himself. looking at you, he no longer saw his partner or his girlfriend, he saw someone who was entirely his equal. his support system. his everything. it wasn't that he didn't see you that way to begin with but it felt so much more intense and he wasn't sure where to go with it. he never expected to find someone so.. perfect for him when he'd gone out previously but you proved yourself more and more everyday as someone he knew he'd never be able to let go of.

'what?' you asked, head tilting as an eyebrow raised, 'looking a little lost over there, kat. i know you aren't already planning some stupid victory speech.' you tended to tease a lot more when training came around, just to push his buttons.

it took him a second to answer and he showed a smile, something genuine and rare. 'nah, just thinking about how lucky i am,' he answered, tone a little quieter than usual, 'to have you around, i mean.'

you blinked a few times, somewhat dumbfounded as a faint blush dusted over your cheeks. 'huh? wait- bakugo katsuki.. admitting that he's lucky?' you spoke slowly, obviously joking but only to hide the way the words made your heart flutter. it felt like it was going to jump out of your chest.

with a grunt, he rolled his eyes but the smile never faded. 'shut up, i was just - forget it.' shaking his head, he moved across the field to pull you into his arms, ignoring the way both of you were pouring sweat. 'just don't go changing or anything, got it? you're.. perfect, just like this.'

you weren't exactly sure how to react, not having expected such a conversation to be happening, not when you'd only come out to spar. instead of letting yourself overthink it, you just hugged back, squeezing him as tight as you could. 'of course not, kat,' you answered, 'always going to be here, just as i am.'

katsuki fell quiet, just hugging you tightly as the sun set, bathing you both in a golden glow. in that moment, he knew nothing could ever change what he'd found. he knew you weren't going anywhere, no matter what challenges came your way.

[momentomori24]

Surprisingly, hearing Vox and Val technically (I love how technically needed to be added) aren't dating didn't upset me as much as I thought it would. It did... for like a minute until I thought about how painfully much it fits them.

Val throws tantrums and is ready go out and kill people to let off steam, but decides to stay put in his room and sulk instead while he waits for his flat-faced prince to come and comfort him before he does anything drastic. He's killed and abused people for the slightest hint of non-compliance, which he sees as giving him an attitude or questioning his authority, but he doesn't so much as flinch when Vox raises his voice and starts shaking him in frustration more than once. He doesn't lash out or get angry when Vox tries to talk him out of marching towards the hotel, but instead listens to his points and takes his words to heart even when they weren't what he wanted to hear. He's not interested in Alastor, but is willing to sit through watching the extermination broadcast because Vox is a passionate football dad about his one-sided rival getting dunked on. He doesn't even act jealous towards Vox's obsession, just weirdly amused and supportive even tho he hates not being the center of attention any other times. And then there's Vox, who acts like he's annoyed to have to put up with Valentino but still does it anyway. He acts disinterested about Val's ranting over Angel until he hears that Angel might've quit because he's an jealous, insecure loser that wants that mf's attention to himself. He lights his cigarette and decides to call up their lowest earners for him to terrorize without being asked just to lighten his mood a little (unrelated but i feel for their employees). He keeps his eyes on him both in his room and when he's at the pub through the cameras he's got everywhere. He takes his hand like one would with a princess and smiles fondly at him before disappearing when noticing they're being watched. He's the only person that Val trusts enough to calm him down when his temper gets the better of him. And Val-- despite his volatile temper and obnoxious quirks-- is someone he respects and cares about, both as his business associate and romantic partner.

And they aren't dating. Val and Vox clearly have a connection and understanding and attraction yet are unable to confront those feelings in fear of being vulnerable. So they aren't dating. Val obsesses over Angel and Vox obsesses over Alastor to distract themselves of the other only to fall back into each other's arms at the end of the day. Even tho they aren't dating. They celebrate, dance, sing, support and shamelessly make out with each other. They're the only ones that would put up with each other's bullshit no matter what-- but for some reason, they're still not dating. They are two of the worst Overlords in Hell, capable of committing so many despicable acts and jumping to immoral tactics for their own gain without any regrets, but opening that door into genuine emotional vulnerability? Acknowledging their softness for each other? That's where they draw the line. They're clearly made for each other, but neither of them dare to step over that line to commit to something more.

Which means that we could get to actually see these changes take place. We could get to see more sides to these two we still haven't seen before. We could get to see them actually start dating and the complicated journey it took to get there. We could get to scream and kick and seeth as these two morons continue to dance around admitting their very much requited romantic feelings for every stupid reason under the sun episode after episode. We could get to see these two fix each other and make each other worse simultaneously. Mostly make each other worse. We could get to see them have a romantic duet. We could get to see them be happy together-- officially together-- while they make life worse for everyone around them.

All this mumbo-jumbo, sleep-deprived ranting will likely not happen, but the potential character growth, the dynamic development, the resolved romantic tension, the SONGS we could get??? I'm clinging onto this hope for dear life until it's ripped from my cold, dead hands.

[tsuutarr]

So I may or may not be a little (aka a lot) charmed by all of your characters because, my dear, they are absolutely AMAZING and super charismatic!

and then I found myself wondering how they would react if their darlings got a little depressed about how miserable their social life has become... I mean, how do you manage to keep your mental health up with a total of ONE PERSON in your life?!

I was thinking about this because I'm Brazilian, and we are social creatures ya'know, we NEED other people to keep living and believe me, the pandemic situation DID NOT HELP IN THAT ASPECT OF US. Besides, we are touchy people, we greet each other with kisses on the cheek, long and deep hugs whenever we feel like it and I don't really think the oc's would appreciate our affection being distributed like this 😞 unless is with them, which is totally possible because if we are touchy with strangers, with the close ones we are SUPER lovey dovey.

If you could ease my curiosity about this aspect, I would be very, very happy 👉👈 and I don't mean it's just this specific scenario, just being depressed in general, begging for any kind of normal human interaction hahaha.

Anyway, sorry for this LONG text, this has been on my mind since I started reading your works (and they are AMAZING, really, I'm in love with your writing style!). As I said before, I'm Brazilian and English is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes 🤗.

Wowow thank you so much for your kind words!! I am so happy you like my yandere OCs + my writing style!! Also, this is a very fun request/scenario, tysm for requesting it :3c Your English is great, please don't apologize!

Here's the answer to your request down below!!

So, Jiu's case is really interesting because he has the intellect, power, AND money to ensure that he's the closest person to you even if he DOESN'T lock you up. He's basically puppeteering your life from the background while giving you a sense of free will (e.g., you got into your specific college because of HIM, you got your specific job because of HIM, and so on). Getting him to isolate you from society would only really happen if you rejected him/began to distance yourself from him.

If you got too lonely because you could only interact with him, Jiu would cosplay and roleplay any person/character you wanted to in order to give some illusion of diverse human interaction. If you became depressed, he'd get you a therapist and anything else you might need, but... make no mistake, that therapist (while licensed properly) is NOT on your side.

On occasion, Jiu would allow you to interact with his paid workers while he's watching. Like, he'll hire a "friend" for you (who only visits at 11 AM on Fridays) and let you talk to the nanny and stuff, but that'd be it. Now, he'll be controlling your life from the frontlines rather than the backdrop and there's really nothing you can do about it, oops.

For Finley... he's actually a very clueless yandere + extremely pathetic. His emotions are very volatile so he's easy to upset/please. When he isolates you from society, it's because he thinks it's for the greater good. People are so corrupt, can't you see? He's only doing it to protect you. If you got depressed due to only being able to interact with him, he'd just cling even harder to you. After all, you're lonely because he hasn't been spending enough time with you, right (wrong)? For him, he'd understand that you seem sad, but he wouldn't understand why. He's just protecting you! Though, he may get you some pets -- he's VERY partial to animals and likes them quite a bit more than he likes humans.

Oh man, so Tynan has mind magic, so his solution is pretty messed up. He'll either hypnotize you to be okay with your situation OR give you dreams where you interact with people. His dream magic is scary because it's genuinely really hard to tell dreams from reality, so before long, you'll be tricked into thinking you spent time with the people you love when really, you were sleeping on Tynan's lap the whole time.

As for the abandoned water god... he does care about you, but not enough to let you interact with other people, even if you're feeling depressed. After you basically helped awaken him after he was forgotten for centuries, he's super obsessed with you. He doesn't need anyone else as long as he has you, so he thinks that you don't need anyone else since you have him. He'll take you to go see a bunch of sea animals, though! But those sea animals are the only other living beings you'll see. Not to mention that he's practically cursed with immortality, sooo... yeah, you're not escaping him.

Finally, for the farmer... he lives pretty isolated on his big farm anyway, so if you're his neighbor, you're already kind of isolated from everyone else. The farmer isolates you by making you dependent on him so you'll stay by his side willingly rather than locking you up. For the most part, he'll actually let some people (who are not romantically interested in you) visit you -- in fact, he actually doesn't mind it if your family visits because they all adore him (and it's so so so cute to see them tease you about how you must be dating him). But woo boy, you are very very very rarely going to be able to leave the farm. Issues crop up one way or another: blocked road, punctured tire, empty gas tank, etc... so, really, you can't leave. Unless, well, he escorts you. But it might just be better to stay on the farm since it's much more convenient, you know?

[linmeiwei]

Do you really think Darcy and Elizabeth would be happy together? It's one thing to not care if an insufferable aunt doesn't like your bride, but it's very different when friends and peers start treating him like an idiot for marrying an unimportant and "tolerable" country girl. Also when he realizes that Georgiana will not be getting the same suitors that he would expect.

That's why I think their marriage is not going to be all that. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe Darcy would start being cruel or disrespectful to Elizabeth like Mr Bennet was to his wife. But to continue happily married? I don't think so.

Oh I strongly disagree! I think Darcy and Elizabeth would be extremely happy in marriage.

As to the social consequences of his marrying a tolerable country girl, I'm not convinced that they would be so dire. The Bennets' ruin was averted through Lydia's marriage, I'm not sure it would be talked about much in the wider world. More to the point, he has a powerful family in whose interest it would be, once the Darcy/Elizabeth marriage happened, to make sure Elizabeth was accepted in all the right circles. They'd likely ensure that Lady C didn't do or say anything to spoil the family's standing. We know from some hints in the novel itself that, once push comes to shove, even those who don't like Elizabeth and may know something of the Wickham fiasco, are too afraid to lose the privilege of friendship with Darcy to continue being a nuisance about it (e.g. Caroline Bingley).

We also know that Elizabeth isn't really only tolerable. She's charming, attractive and clever. I genuinely think that she'd actually make quite a hit once let loose in Darcy's world.

Finally, there's Darcy himself. I'm conscious that people interpret his character very differently to me (e.g. they think he's shy or anxious or on the spectrum) so this is very much my interpretation but… going by some of the descriptions we have of his character, he just doesn't seem like the sort of guy to let himself be swayed much by popular opinion. E.g. in this bit, which takes place in Netherfield, when Darcy and Bingley discuss each other's character traits (paraphrasing):

Darcy: When you told Mrs. Bennet this morning, that if you ever resolved on quitting Netherfield you should be gone in five minutes, you meant it to be a sort of panegyric, of compliment to yourself […] but I am by no means convinced that you would be gone with such celerity. Your conduct would be quite as dependent on chance as that of any man I know; and if, as you were mounting your horse, a friend were to say, ‘Bingley, you had better stay till next week,’ you would probably do it—you would probably not go—and, at another word, might stay a month.

Elizabeth: You have only proved by this that Mr. Bingley did not do justice to his own disposition. You have shown him off now much more than he did himself.

Bingley: I am afraid you are giving it a turn which that gentleman did by no means intend; for he would certainly think the better of me if, under such a circumstance, I were to give a flat denial, and ride off as fast as I could.

In another conversation, he says himself that "[his] feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them."

He's just not a volatile sort of guy. He knows his own mind, he knows Elizabeth's merits, and (for all his faults) he's the sort of strong type A that would see it as his responsibiltiy to captain his ship out of any storm rather than abandon it or feel annoyed with it for having got into a storm.

I honestly struggle trying to imagine any set of events that would be at all likely, in which these two were anything other than deeply in love, delighted in each other’s company and devoted to one another.

[cyber-night]

Fyodor needs help sometimes even if he doesn't want it. No smut today, sorry :(

Content Warnings: Self-neglect, degradation, humiliation, (Neither of which are particularly "sexy" it's more just Fyodor being put in his place through his own stupidity), this... isn't healthy for Anyone...

You sigh as you look at Fyodors pill bottle. You'd recently put a cap on it that had a timer telling when it had last been opened. You suspected that he hadn't been taking his meds. The timer showed that it had been over two days since Fyodor had taken his medication, and even then, he only took it because you brought it to him.

You head up to his computer room where you find him hunched over his keyboard, typing away at lines of code. "Hey Fedya?" He hums as if he hears you but isn't listening. You continue anyway. "You haven't taken your meds in a few days... how are you feeling?"

"Fine," He says without looking up from typing. "When's the last time you got up to eat or use the bathroom?" You ask worriedly. Fyodor sighs. "I do not need you babying me. I can care for myself, you know." He says flatly. "You haven't taken your meds in two days... I worry about you. When's is the last time you slept in a bed and not at your desk?" He stops typing and pinches the bridge of his nose in irritation. "Not all of us get to sit around and do nothing you know some of us have actual work to do." This makes you pause irritation boiling under your skin. "Excuse me? I do plenty thank you very much. I'm the only one who does anything around here." You snap he has never been this expressly disrespectful to you. "You do nothing but annoy me and take me away from my work! I don't need your help! I realize you are too dumb to understand how important what I'm doing is, but you can at least have the decency to let me do it. As for what you do around here, you do nothing but take up space and money!" He snaps angrily you pause your eyes wide, all the times you've made sure he had water and tea as he worked, made sure he was eating, brought him food if he hadn't eaten yet, brought him his meds, all of that to him was simply an interruption? An irritation? Not to mention you took care of most of the chores, though he helped with a few such as the trash ...Fine then if that's how he saw it. "Very well, then I'll stop." You sat icily your eyes narrowed. "Since you will be fine without me helping, I'll leave you be." He seems pleased at that. "Good." Is all he says before he turns back to his monitors. You don't hesitate to turn and leave.

True to your words the next four? Maybe five days? You don't do anything for him. You knew when you two started dating, he needed something akin to a caretaker as he was oblivious to his own health, unable to feel hunger, thirst, or even exhaustion the way most do. It stemmed from his autism and you were willing to help him out of love for him. You never thought you'd have that affection thrown back at you in such a volatile way. You haven't seen him for a few days making no effort to seek him out.

You are sitting in the living room reading a book quietly when he stumbles in. He looks terrible. He hasn't showered in about two weeks at this point, hasn't had his meds in a week, and God knows when the last time he ate was. You only barely glance at him before returning to your book. You watch him lean against the counter as he makes his way to where his meds are stored. Once he get his hands on them, he looks at the caps timer, showing him its been almost a week since he's taken them. His hands shake as he struggles to open the pill bottle, the childproof cap, making it impossible for him when he's this weak. You watch him from over the edge of your book. He is genuinely struggling, but you can also tell he's putting on a bit of a show to garter pity from you to make you feel bad for leaving him to fend for himself. You don't give him any instead of going back to actually reading flipping the page. After quite a bit of time, he finally stumbles over to you and holds the bottle out to you. "Open this." He says gruffly. "You don't need my help. You should be fine." You say not looking up at him though you can see his hand trembling in your peripheral. Your words make him pause.

He tries to open the bottle again with no luck he stands there swaying slightly, his pride not letting him admit he was wrong or that he needs help. He tries to pull your book down, but he is too weak to succeed. You watch him sway again before he crumples at your feet, the pills bottle rolling away from him. You still don't look up from your book as you flip the page. If he wants anything from you, he needs to put his pride aside. He sits there, trembling at your feet for a few minutes before weakly whispering, "I'm sorry..." It's makes you laugh a little inside. "Pardon? I didn't hear what you said. Would you like to repeat that?" You ask without looking up from your book. "I'm sorry..." You nod. "Hmm, that's a start. What are you sorry for?" His eyes are unfocoused, and he's barely keeping himself upright. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"And?"

"...And I was wrong."

"About?"

"I was wrong, I do need you..." You nod again as you flip the page. "Yes, you do, don't you." He waits for a moment before he continues "...Are you going to help me now?" You laugh finally closing your book. "And why would I do that? You've done the bare minimum." Fyodors eyes widen, "please..." He whispers weakly. "Please, what?" You ask with a smirk as you watch him sway on his knees. "Convince me." He takes a shakey breath. I'm looking like he might cry. "Please help me... I feel like I'm going to pass out, and I can't... I can't take care of myself right now." You tilt his head back so you can observe him better. "It's almost a pity I have to put you back together... I kind of like you like this. Weak and pathetic, not that you aren't weak and pathetic normally, but... it's just you look pretty when your half way from deaths doorstep." He whines a hint of fear in his eyes. Sure, he could kill you with a touch, but the idea that he is weak and pathetic normally makes him uncomfortable. "I really should make you work for my help... but I'm feeling... Generous. So instead, I'll only make you beg. Sit back on your knees and put your hands up to your chest like a dog. I want to see you beg like one. After all, I have to care for you like a pet."

Fyodor shudders but does it his body barely stable for very long as he holds his hands up in an imitation of paws he looks at you, embarrassment evident in his face. "Good enough, I guess." You sigh idly, he whimeprs, letting his body relax so he doesn't fall further to the floor he rests his forehead on your knee. "Please~" He whispers meakly. Finally, you move him onto the couch and lay him down with a sigh.

You go get his meds, water, and soup since you don't trust him to keep solid food down right now. You come back to him asleep, and you almost feel bad about having to wake him up, but you know you need to. He needs to eat and drink. You carefully nudge him awake and set about nursing your brilliant moron of a boyfriend back to health. You wake him up not as gently as you usually would. You shove the pills into his mouth, then yank his head back and force him to drink, double tapping his cheek once he swallows. "T-thank you... my love..." You help him eat the soup since his hands tremble. "You wouldn't be in this mess if you simply listened to me, you know." You sigh as you pet his hair the soup bowl finally empty "If you had just been a good boyfriend and accepted my care you would fine, but no you have to be a selfish stubborn brat." He looks up at you with glassy eyes. "I'm sorry... I'll try and be better..."

You shake your head and sigh, carrying him to lay down in bed. A shower will have to wait till tomorrow. "Sleep, you can make it up to me tomorrow, Fedya." He nods and nuzzles into you, clinging to you out of anxiety that you'll abandon him again. You kiss his forehead as he drifts off.

[divinesangel]

Can we get a similar reading on jungkook on how he pursue his crush.

— how jungkook acts and pursues his crush

when it comes to the way that jungkook acts around his crush, he seems to be someone who develops feelings very quickly or gets a crush quite easily. he appears to be quite romantic at heart, as if his inner self or his emotions are very youthful, and he loves with a childlike purity. his feelings are often sincere and genuine when it comes to romantic connections, and he tends to flirt openly from the beginning. if he has a crush on you, you will definitely know about it. when he does have a crush, he becomes very focused on that person, putting all his energy and attention into them. he’s passionate about romantic connections, and the concept of love is something that deeply motivates him. the idea of having a soulmate or someone who is uniquely meant for him holds great significance.

as for how he would pursue his crush, he seems prepared to go to great lengths to capture their attention and show his interest. he seems to be the type of person who tries to keep a conversation going right from the start, wanting to get to know the other person more deeply. he values communication and often initiates conversations to see if there's a mental connection. although he might appear impulsive or act on a whim, he actually approaches things with a practical mindset. he doesn't act without purpose; he needs to be quite certain that this is someone he wants to pursue. when he has a crush, he feels secure and confident about the person, which motivates him. he aims to project stability and practicality so his crush doesn't perceive him as volatile or impulsive.

sometimes, he may worry about oversharing or talking too much when he's interested in someone. despite this, he's always eager and willing to give his all, showing his affection through his actions. this is his way of expressing love. however, he can feel insecure at times, especially if his crush is particularly attractive or possesses qualities he feels he lacks.

[appendectomy]

the house/cuddy relationship is also so interesting because a big part of the essence of 'doom' that the writers give their relationship is also based in direct comparison to the not-doomed-ness of house/wilson. there are so many moments where it feels to me that the writers are grabbing me by the shoulders, shaking me and going 'look!!! look at them and compare them look at how different these two dynamics are'.

one of the most obvious examples of this is in 7x09 when house is trying to get out of hanging out with wilson and going to cuddy's birthday dinner at the same time. cuddy outright asks 'you have to choose one of us,' and house replies 'i choose wilson'. apart from making me giggle, these lines also serve the very obvious purpose of not just being about where house would prefer to spend a thursday evening. it's quite blatant foreshadowing about the fact that, at the end of everything, house always prefers to choose wilson and is more capable of being there for him than he is for anyone else, including romantic partners and especially including cuddy.

the next big example of this that struck me is in 7x15 when cuddy is in surgery. this is an almost word-for-word recreation of the scenario in 6x10 where wilson went into surgery. they both want house to be there, and house struggles to show up both times. we even get this wonderful visual parallel between the two, which is something i've noticed has been talked about a little by other people on here, and so is definitely something I imagine the writers thought about too. with 6x10:

and 7x15:

the key difference between these two situations is house being sober in one, and on drugs in the other. house can be there for wilson and emotionally support him while also being sober, but he cannot do the same for cuddy. this comparison i think is such a clear communication that not only is house's relationship with wilson easier for house to maintain than his relationship with cuddy, but that it is also better for him mentally. with wilson, there isn't an anxiety that he isn't good enough for him the way there is with cuddy, and this just fundamentally fosters a better environment for him as an addict.

this says a lot about house/wilson, but it also says a lot about house's approach to romance versus friendship in general. he places so much more importance on the emotional challenges of a romantic relationship than he does platonic. he spends the whole episode of 7x15 practically agonising over wether cuddy will be ok or not, whereas he spends most of 6x10 telling wilson he's an idiot. he seems to doom himself in romantic relationships by creating so much of his own anxiety: he worries about getting it right, being the man cuddy needs him to be, doing what a good partner should, and it causes him to be unable to actually perform any of these actions without the crutch of being high. this in turn underminines the genuineness of any attempt to be better that he makes in cuddy's eyes. i don't think any of the emotional demands cuddy makes of house are unreasonable at all, but because house is such an emotionally stunted and volatile person he can't approach the very normal expectations of a romantic relationship in any sort of healthy way. the only relationships he can maintain are unconventional ones that don't have these expectations, like his friendship with wilson.

the next example, and the one that is most likely a little bit of a reach, is also in 7x15, specifically in the few dream sequences cuddy has that feature wilson. in the first, she imagines house and wilson as rachel's adoptive fathers (which i've already written a little bit about here if you're interested). then she has another dream set in a black-and-white 50s sitcom where she is the breadwinner, house is the housewife, and wilson is the mailman/milkman (not completely sure which of these he is, but he's definitely one of them). in both of these situations, wilson is the proverbial 'other woman': he takes the place of house's domestic partner in one of the dreams, and in the other he's the mailman/milkman to house's housewife, which traditionally in media is a comedic character pairing that involves the housewife cheating on her working husband with the mailman/milkman. i doubt this symbolism is really that intentional, and i don't think that it's meant to imply any sort of genuine romantic coding between house and wilson, it's probably just a couple of early 2000s gay jokes. but if you critically look at these instances, you can begin to extrapolate a sense that in house's romantic relationships, wilson is always hovering in the background. wilson is always the proverbial 'other woman', someone who's relationship with house is just as important and very likely also easier to maintain for house, just as the inverse is true for wilson as established by testimony from his ex-wife bonnie. i mainly think this inclusion of wilson in these dreams and the deliberate role he plays just serves to remind the viewer that while house and cuddy's relationship is rocky and uncertain, house and wilson's is pretty much constant and inevitable.

the last comment i have on this is about the scene in 7x23 where house crashes his car into cuddy's home. i think you can pretty easily compare wilson and cuddy situationally in this scene: house is putting cuddy in immense danger (though not actually intending on hurting her), whereas in comparison he yells at wilson to get out of the car before he does it. to me, there's an obvious difference there - a deliberate effort to endanger a person vs a deliberate effort to remove a person from danger. and in both instances, house is intentionally causing the danger. it very strikingly reminded me of the scene in 3x07 where house tells wilson to get out of their hotel room before he does something that could incriminate wilson. he specifically tells wilson 'maybe i don't wanna push this til it breaks' in regard to their friendship. house is very cognizant of not pushing wilson away completey, not squandering their relationship once and for all with his dangerous behaviour. but with cuddy, he gets to a point where he actively burns the bridge. the difference to me is sad and clear: house is willing and able to maintain his relationship with wilson. he is not willing and able to maintain his relationship with cuddy. and by comparing the two, each dynamic becomes clearer.

[housewarningparty]

Au where Faith comes back to sunnydale in season 5

okay okay i've thought about this

it's a prophetic slayer dream that kicks it off - faith dreams buffy is going to die and she decides then and there she has to go to sunnydale to stop it. she informs angel who reluctantly gives his blessing and then she busts herself out of prison and heads back to sunnydale

obviously faith's motivation is this is a confusing mix of wanting to make things good with buffy, a sort of lingering subconscious suicidal death drive, and a genuine desire to be a Good Slayer for once. buffy can't quite understand what her angle is, but season 5 is a volatile time and buffy's struggling to handle everything on her plate so she can't actually refuse any help from another slayer

in a way, buffy's resentment towards and anger at faith allows her to accept help from faith more readily than she can from riley, her actual boyfriend. she doesn't feel guilty throwing faith out in the middle of the glory stuff. faith, also, kind of relishes being a meat shield a little - it's penance, right? she still resents buffy a little for using her like this so easily (unlike how she treats her ugly fucking boyfriend), however, she's also grateful to be used by buffy at all (unlike her ugly fucking boyfriend) TOXIC YURI

faith is very interesting to have around for joyce stuff because of the intersection of her guilt over the hostage-taking and threatening + her own dead mom issues + her desire to help buffy, genuinely. i think faith privately, secretly approaching joyce to offer to help while she's sick (clean the gutters, do the laundry, wash the car, basic things) to try and make amends because she doesn't know what else to really do is a compelling idea. also i think faith's potential interactions with dawn and tara over mom stuff here are SO interesting

MESSY relationship-wise. spike hates riley. faith also hates riley but wants to avoid him over the uhh body swap magical sexual assault. riley is a terrible fucking boyfriend this season. spike and faith are being absolute freaks about buffy and want nothing more than to kill each other with hammers. buffy wants everyone to shut the fuck up. faith and buffy's entire relationship would be built up gradually over the fact that faith is there and she's consistent and she's not actually asking for anything from buffy or even trying overmuch to prove something to her, she's literally just trying to help her and with everything else around her crumbling, i think buffy would end up really responding to that. idk what really happens with spike besides getting sidelined super hard. faith kicks the shit out of him over buffybot. he fucks off to reno. who gives a shit.

i actually have an outline for an s5 fic but currently that au is at war with my s4 au and i can't do them both, so they're both in stasis rn.

[cinnamonest]

Ever since i saw your whiney darling stuff i fell in love! Please tell us more! Maybe like how some characters would react to a really mean bitchy darling who always fights them! Or a rlly whiney prissy girl, like one of those entitled brat darlings, maybe for kazuha or childe where she thinks their whole life style is too gross for her

Ohhhh noooo those two would be so awful, albeit for different reasons... also making note of a few others worth mentioning for this concept

Kazuha is a better fit initially, but becomes progressively more frightening, whereas Childe is just an absolute menace overall. Childe finds your brattiness cute, at least for a while. He goes out of his way to provoke you and mess with you, especially anything that gets squeals and panic out of you. For example, if you're grossed out by blood and keep complaining about his tendency to come home practically caked with it or freak out when he tries to touch you with it all over his hands, he makes sure to do so to a greater extent, just for you! He's basically just awful because he'll pick at the things you dislike and actively do anything he can to upset you because it's just so cute.

That being said, he himself is picky about your behaviors in the sense of timing. He wants you to be all pouty and upset, but only when he wants it. Like, he'll do something to mess with you and get your reaction one minute, but now he's done with that, moving on, and wants you to be all affectionate and... you're not. What do you mean, you're still upset about what he did 5 minutes ago? Now this is a problem, he's supposed to be able to just sort of shift your moods around like a light switch. He doesn't want you to be irked anymore, he wants you to be happy and nice now so why are you mad and not immediately conforming to what he wills you to feel like at any given second? Unbelievable.

Kazuha on the other hand... he manages very well, in terms of his own emotional regulation, and he's better at first than Childe because he's accommodating, tries his best to please you. He doesn't get outwardly angry or loud or volatile, no, he handles it the same way he does everything, with a soft smile on his face that's starting to seem a bit eerie the more you complain and the quieter and more twitchy he gets. He can actually take quite a bit of your abuse with a soft smile on his face, only trying to gently dissuade you. Hey, now, let's be reasonable..., or it's not so bad, see?, or don't worry, we can stop and rest soon, so on and so on... for a while. He has his limits.

Something you do eventually pushes him over the edge. His smile doesn't drop, but you'll just be whining and complaining and all of a sudden his hand is around your throat with a crushing, asphyxiating grip.

Hey... let's try to be more positive for a little bit, okay? Can you do that for me?

The intensity of your windpipe being crushed is so unmatched with his pleasant expression and soft tone that it leaves you reeling. But he's waiting on an answer, and you find yourself frantically nodding your head so he'll let go. Needless to say it keeps you quiet and well-behaved for a while. Until you inevitably act out again, leading him to another slow build-up of frustration until you get him to snap again, and next time might be a little more aggressive.

Also worth mentioning: there's another tier of being a bad fit, but in a different sort of way: Kaveh, Thoma, Chongyun and Bennett. All four poor things try so hard to bend to your every whim and are so desperate to make you happy that they'd wear themselves ragged trying to fix anything you whine about. Problem is that if that's just your nature, eventually it's going to reach a point where they get genuinely depressed and discouraged. At the very least, Thoma can probably accommodate your tastes a bit given that he's living on a very nice estate, and Chongyun can sometimes get a certain friend to donate some funds for him to use to make you happy, but the other two are screwed. Kaveh doesn't exactly have a lot of spending money, and even on the rare occasion Bennett finds a chest that has actual mora in it, something always goes wrong with trying to buy you something. So you'll just have to live with their frugal lifestyles... please, they'll get hurt if you're too mean about it, and can you really live with yourself knowing you've made them sad? Could you really look into those eyes and be mean?

Diluc is somewhere in the middle actually, but leaning more towards a good fit simply because he has the resources. He does have a disdain for snobbish behavior on your part, but to be honest, he quickly realizes that just giving you what you want is far easier than trying to reason with you, and he actually has the means to do so, so, he thus ends up admittedly often just giving in. Less whining that way, and frankly, whining irks him very quickly. Oh, and not to mention, he gives in easily because he still holds out hope that tending to and appeasing your pickiness will hopefully endear him to you, and he's desperate for anything that can accomplish that. One could argue this makes him both a good and bad fit for such an individual -- good in the sense that he can fulfill your desires, but bad because by doing so, he's just making your spoiled tendencies that much worse.

Xingqiu is primarily difficult because frankly, you having brat tendencies makes you two of a kind. As much as he tries to maintain his chivalrous humble aura, as always, that chivalry thing tends to suddenly dissipate when he starts not getting his way. And when that happens, you'll find he can be incredibly stubborn.  And when you're stubborn and picky and he's stubborn and picky you two are going to reach an impasse very quickly. Because he wants to do this, go here, eat this, get up and go to bed at this time and have you wear this and do this thing together, but what you want is totally different from everything he wants, and that's an issue. Obviously, logically the less important opinion (yours) should be the one that gets overridden, but you seem pretty reluctant to agree. Truly baffling.

He's pretty pushy about it, but with a smile and pleasant demeanor, trying to maintain the charismatic image of himself he likes to exude. After a while, though, you can whittle him down further and further to the point that he snaps and his spoiled rich child side comes out in full force, but only for a few seconds before he catches himself and corrects it. Only now, he's even more irritated at you for making him do that, treats it as if you actively committed some transgression against him.

And lastly, Albedo is also one that can't really be categorized as good or bad -- he's technically good at dealing with it, but in such a way that is very bad for your sake. He's definitely the most humiliating to deal with, and he nips the brat behavior in the bud very quickly. He doesn't get angry very easily, he stays calm and collected even if you throw tantrums and get furious. Eventually, after enough of him silently taking your complaining, he finally speaks.

Mm. Alright then.

You don't like the tone he uses, and it's ominous foreboding of what's to come.

Basically, he takes the route of malicious compliance. You complain about his presence, and you find yourself being dumped outside the front door in the freezing cold.

Well, you did say you didn't want to spend another second with me in the room, so I suppose you'll have to wait out here. Unless you'd like me to let you back in.

Complain about food? Alright, then you can just not eat. Complain about sleeping in the same bed? Have fun on the floor with no blankets, at least until you nicely ask to be allowed back in bed. Complain that he keeps staring at you when he's fucking you? You can be flipped onto your front side and get choked and railed from behind instead. Complain about the clothes he gives you? Okay, you can have none.

Basically he's a little bastard about it, but the most infuriating part is that it works, and very quickly too. You inevitably find yourself watching your tongue more often, and complaining less, and being more submissive. But if it gets to where you're a little bit too compliant, he might start going out of his way to do subtle little things to pull some more bratty outbursts out of you... after all, said outbursts are cute, so he doesn't want them to disappear completely, and your teary eyes and humiliation later on is even cuter.

[awakentheeldritchabomination]

First Random Writing Dump

CW: mentions of self harm and emotional abuse

As decreed by the poll, most of ya’ll seem fine with a little bit of word vomit, and since I have some time, I’m just gonna spew a bit of my thoughts on my version of Charlie so far. It won’t be much, just a jumbled list of rough ideas. I don’t know how set I am with these, but here goes:

- They may or may not be renamed

- They use they/them pronouns but don’t correct people who misgender them; they find gender to be an odd concept, and they can’t quite grasp why people care so much about it

- They know a lot about human history but have not personally interacted with many people beyond what is necessary (until later)

- Their capacity to empathize with the plight of humans comes from guilt, their mother, who is still going to be Lilith… maybe…., a horrific chance encounter, and their relationship with V (gotta pick a name for her lol)

- Still, growing up in a privileged position largely removed from the sinners’ reality while being surrounded by reminders that these people invited suffering through their own wickedness has given them this sense of innate superiority; they are semi-aware of the fact that their elitist mindset exists and is not…great…but they prefer to bury it under toxic positivity and pretend it’s not an issue

- They have been trained to fight (heaven and hell are still basically at war, after all), but they’ve never had a real battle, and they’ve certainly never killed anyone before; the weight of dealing death terrifies and paralyzes them

- They are aware of what they are, and they deeply fear what they are capable of

- They are not very well acquainted with their demonic form, and they’d rather not be; it’s often triggered by ugly feelings they don’t want to confront

- Yeah, they’ve got some things going on deep down. Beneath the sunshine and rainbows and genuinely good intentions, there’s this raw, wriggling darkness, gnawing on their insides like maggots; they don’t know why

- Spoilers: it’s the manipulation and emotional abuse Lucifer subjected them to as well as the resentment harbored against both parents for deciding to bring a child into a realm meant as an eternal torture chamber for evil people; they don’t consciously recognize the abuse they experienced because of strategic subtly, gaslighting, and isolation from other experiences. Both they and Lilith know something about Lucifer is off, and it creates this eerie, underlying fear that permeates every interaction, yet neither of them know how bad it actually is; Also Lilith likes to make excuses just like: “Oh, don’t be like that. He’s just doing whatever coz he loves you :)”

- Their warring sides will come to a head; the anger inside them will boil over, and they will be a terror

- Lucifer cuts them off after a falling out that occurs because of the hotel proposal; they will only be accepted back once they’ve “come to their senses”

- Charlie and Alastor have a weird relationship; they’ve got this yin-yang, mirrored image thing going on; they:

1. Are both biracial and are torn between different worlds

2. Have distanced themselves from one (their blackness. Yeah, Charlie is technically half black. But it’s a little more about their relation to the whole of humanity for them), but while one is actively trying to seek it out, the other has been conditioned to avoid it

3. Are performers (which will play a role in discussions of identity, y’know, what it means to perform an aspect of identity; what is whiteness vs blackness; queerness vs heteronormative ideals; how we generally define them and individually express them. But it’s also just “hey, we both like doing a thing. Oh, wow. Neat.”)

4. Have a volatile amount of anger that makes them violently lash out

5. Have strictly opposing yet similarly extreme moral principles

this will also be present in their designs (they have opposing coloration: blue vs red, white on black vs black on white, etc.); then there’s the wolf vs deer thing… I feel like I’d need a separate post to go through all that. I feel like this is already a lot lol

- They kinda feel conflicted about being friends with Al because he allows them to cut loose a bit and have fun, and they weirdly enough have a bit in common….but like…. dude ate people…..uhhhhhhh (does that make them a bad person if they like a literal murderer?), but then they think “I’m not supposed to judge. I’m supposed to help (and I’m totally fine….right….?). Meanwhile, V’s just like, “No, babe, please judge”

- They don’t like absolute silence, and they don’t like being alone; it allows their mind to wander into dangerous places; since Alastor is a literal radio that spits out music and static constantly, they sometimes just seek him out when their thoughts are too loud. Like, he just becomes a sentient noise machine for them basically

- Charlie’s got a habit of chewing on things when they’re nervous—pens, the inside of their cheek, their nails—coz dog (or….wolf….dragon….thingy); it’s usually harmless, but when they feel especially bad, they bite themselves (sometimes they bite the stuffing out of pillows as a substitute); when they start to more aggressively gnaw on their nails, V usually tries to guide their hand away

- They hide under the bed when they are feeling particularly miserable and anxious

There’s a lot more crap brewing, and I didn’t go into as much detail as I could have…. But I think that’s enough for maybe the week idk. If anyone’s at all curious, I might make another post about V or something.

Leave thoughts in the notes if you wanna!

[batsplat]

comparing the casey/valentino autobiography and the jorge biography (that has quite an autobiographical feel given how closely he collaborates with the author). the casey autobiography has the most obvious factually misleading moments, the valentino autobiography has the most obvious editorially misleading moments, and the jorge biography generally reads as the most honest. actually skews hard the other way where you read it and go 'hm do you really want to share this with the class, jorge'. valentino's writing around his story, casey's selling his story and jorge thinks he'll be best served by radical honesty and doesn't really do either of those things. as if the only problem he has is just... people not knowing him enough, like he'd stop being misunderstood if they just had all the facts. that doesn't mean jorge's biography accurately characterises all the events it covers, or that it's engage in less narrativisation - it's just that the narrative it provides of jorge the underdog sports movie protagonist does feel like one that is also playing in jorge's actual brain. and yes, the journalist's framing of jorge's story is at times also a little bit deranged, the book is structured in a way that feels actively hostile to reading it cover to cover... but it does feel like it's accurately capturing the vibe of that time for jorge. where his mind was actually at when the book was being written. which is actually quite refreshing in that it often just tells you what you're looking for... pleasingly straightforward

by contrast. with casey you're often being forced to read between the lines, in part because a lot of the raw emotion has been bled out of the narrative. you can tell how much he wants to give you his side of the story and that story is told clearly and coherently enough... maybe it's partly a function of how the book was published post-retirement, but it saps casey of a lot of the emotional volatility and urgency that were so central to him. the casey of the autobiography is obviously fundamentally the same guy as the casey who actually lived all those events, but it's all muted and distorted enough that it feels like he's talking to me through a radio that's sitting in a different room. and with valentino's meandering narrative, the challenge is less reading between the lines and more ignoring the lines altogether to figure out what he's not even talking about at all. it's a book that's as much defined by its negative space as what is actually on the page. it's a narrative that is more interested in making you laugh alongside its subject matter than letting you learn about him. so. y'know. thanks jorge for providing a book that can mostly just be taken at face value and also contains quite a lot of genuine vulnerability. you're the best

[heinzpilsner]

(Writing this instead of watching a new trailer for the live action, because my timing is perfect as ever!)

...Anyway, here's a proper "smart and serious"™ remake of my "mixed signals zutara Southern Raiders" post (because my own poor choice of terminology I'm talking about you Sexual Frustration didn't sit quite well with me). Also, I realized some new things. And I'm a perfectionist of sorts! So, yep.

Let's analyze Zuko's and Katara's heated confrontation in the first half properly.

What Zuko actually said:

"Everyone else seems to trust me now! What is it with you? ... What can I do to make it up to you?"

What Katara heard:

- Zuko doesn't differenciate Katara from all the other group members -> he doesn't think much about their intimate connection in Ba Sing Se;

- He doesn't realise the implications of what his betrayal meant in the context of the said connection (i.e., he's either a callous liar who never really cared about her grief or a volatile person who can change his mind way too easily and hence can't be trusted);

- After hearing her out, he offered to make up for his betrayal, but did not apologize for his insensitivity. He still don't get it, the idiot!

(Was he hesitant to approach this topic directly with Katara being so furious, or genuinely just didn't get it? I wonder. He sounds like a person unaffected by the catacombs, but clearly doesn't act like one. Almost as if he was affected, but never realized the extent by which Katara was affected as well).

What Katara actually said to Zuko:

"Everyone trusts you? I was the first person to trust you! Back in Ba Sing Se. You betrayed me and all of us! ... You could reconquer Ba Sing Se, or you could bring my mother back!"

What she was implying:

- She was personally hurt by his betrayal ("Everyone else"?! She was (is) not just "everyone else" for him!);

- Either she's using the "bringing back the dead mother" idea only as another metaphor of impossibility of their reconciliation, or, as Zuko suspected, this also implies that her anger at him is somehow connected to the topic.

There are two possible readings of Katara's slip of the tongue though:

1) Zuko's dense hypothesis: Katara simply projects on him her hatred for the Fire Nation and Yon Rha specifically;

2) Romantic hypothesis (which recontextualizes the whole dialogue in retrospect): Zuko's and Katara's connection in Ba Sing Se was based on the shared trauma of their lost mothers. So, this (in the light of the future events) is just another hint that Katara is hurt by Zuko's insensitivity. It signals she still have feelings for him, which in some measure fuels Katara's fury. This interpretation is supported by heavy romantic framing of the scene (Katara's physical agression adds a hint of sexuality to the mix as well, implying a suppressed desire to touch. It's no more than my speculation though, but usually, when I see a "shoulder check" trop in media, it occurs between two guys in the middle of some school, not between an angry girl and a sad boy under the full moon, you know).

Now, the funny thing. Previously, the second half of the episode didn't make much sense to me after the first one, because I saw those two hypotheses as incompatible within the same narrative logic. But just now, I found a different in-universe logical explanation for such a conclusion.

You see, Zuko's dense reading implies what from the start he saw the whole "facing Yon Rha" business as an attempt to redirect Katara's hate/anger from him onto it's "right" sourse. "Better him than me" logic, I guess. (Gosh, Zuko, not so selfless!)

They go with the plan based on the Zuko's interpretation, and Katara forgives him as a result, which means his reading of the situation was the only correct one, right? Wrong!

Because for once, Zuko was lucky. He didn't really voice his reasons out loud to Katara, and she decided that his primary motivation was lying elsewhere.

Namely, that he finally understood the imortance of their connection in Ba Sing Se and wanted to show her he did sincerely care about her grief (He was also lucky it kinda was the truth. Just... not the whole truth, you know).

(Btw, acknowledging Katara's hurt feelings is the only thing that could turn Zuko's "I waited out here all night" stunt from creepy and inappropriate into more or less okay in her eyes in retrospect, so... Yep. Another evidence for this hypothesis.)

So, while Zuko saw this trip as an attempt to manage Katara's hatred (and what an awful idea it was, but that's not the point now), Katara herself saw it as a test for Zuko's sincerity (which he passed).

And, I guess, as a happy result of this little miscommunication (and despite the crying unhealthiness of the whole "facing Yon Rha" idea), Katara was finally able to forgive him, yay!

(Do not try this at home though, boys and girls. I'm serious, those kids need their therapy.)

... The only problem though is what this miscommunication wasn't exactly addressed openly in the show itself. It's kinda just here, in the middle of the whole "to kill or not to kill" mess, and I had to strain my brain really hard to come to this conclusion (but I'm not really a smart person, after all). Still, this is the only reading of events what turns the episode's narrative into something that feels logical and consistent to me, you know.

But... After such a heavy romantic framing in the beginning (I mean, "What's with her? What's with him?" questions alone are basically screaming "those two have something between them we all can't explain by most obvious reasons"), you'd expect something more substantial would happen between the characters in the end. ... I'm just saying. I know it could't happen.

Ouch.

[king-and-his-consorts]

Tiny rant because I'm tired and still seeing stuff going around.

So, I would like it to be known that as someone who loves Canon Sanji deeply and has him as her comfort character, I love OPLA Sanji. Not as much as Canon Sanji but still a lot. While yes, I am upset that we were robbed of his and Zoro's connection over the Mihawk fight, or Sanji's connection with Luffy during the Krieg fight, I have to say this is an AU and I believe those connections will still come just in a different form. But honestly, I see a lot of people rag on OPLA Sanji because he's so different from Canon Sanji.

And here's a small reason why I really don't mind this (it actually has nothing to do with Sanji's gag).

Canon Sanji is an extremely volatile, angry, mean-spirited person when we first meet him. He's strong and no-nonsense when it comes to Baratie (which is still seen in OPLA).

The reason he is such a volatile person is because he's been heavily tormented and abused (even talking before WCI existed). He was obviously treated badly on the Orbit. The chefs ridiculed and mocked his thoughts about the All Blue despite him being a literal child. Unlike his life on Baratie, he didn't seem particularly close with any of them despite being there for like 2 years. Meaning he was still a neglected, unwanted child. When Zeff attacks the ship, Zeff kicks the ever loving fuck out Sanji until he can barely move. Sanji's in terrible shape by the time he makes it onto the rock and is forced to suffer starvation to a horrific degree.

All of these negative events compounded on to make a very angry, hopeless, self-hating child who grew into an angry, volatile, hopeless, self-hating adult who is obviously terrified of other men. Though having a dream, he does not yet believe that dreams are even worth fighting/dying for. Sanji loves the Baratie but he is not a happy person before becoming a Straw Hat. He's depressed and frustrated at his life. Going nowhere fast despite Zeff trying to get him to go be a whole human with hopes and dreams. Only really allowing his sweet, soft, happy side shimmer through for Luffy when talking of dreams.

Now, OPLA Sanji is still a person who has suffered abuses and torment no child should ever live through. But he had a nicer life on the Orbit, a vaguely gentler life with Zeff, and seemed to be genuinely happy at Baratie despite still being hopeless and possibly self-hating. His anger at life is more controlled and he's more connected to his gentler emotions.

OPLA Sanji has obviously suffered a lot less (but still extensive) abuse in his life than Canon Sanji. It's made him a gentler, slightly more open person. His smiles are more easy, he can have actual conversations with men, and still depressed but more willing to let himself dream. He's softer because his life has not been quite so psyche-crushing, spirit-shatteringly hard as Canon Sanji's life (barely, but still).

And honestly, I love that for him. I feel like that should be celebrated.

[daineic-art]

-taps mic- Is this thing on?

Okay uh

Hi everyone!

It’s been a… long time since I’ve been actually active, hasn’t it? Well- I have a few explanations if you’d like to sit down and hear them.

To make a really long story short, I fell out of love with SSO. The game was not fun for me anymore and I found no joy in it due to multiple reasons. My own general drama moments, there were multiple things the company did, different things I got into, etc.

The biggest thing (now don't laugh I know how stupid this sounds in relation to Star Stable) was trauma. Yes, trauma. When you've been groomed using a game you've loved since you were 9 years old… you kind of stop playing that game. I resented this game for literal years due to trauma and SSO didn't help themselves by making some dumb decisions. But I was also a kid with trauma I didn't know how to handle. I can't even pinpoint exactly when everything happened, but I know it was around my mid-teens, and has been years since. I have done a lot of soul-searching and development since then because, wow, people can change! Some developments include; I started going to college, didn't like it, and I dropped out. I quit my very awful retail job and got something more akin to my field of study. Then finally, probably the most important one, I got out of an abusive relationship that I got into due to desperation. I'm in a new one with someone I genuinely care about and, frankly, want to spend the rest of my life with. It's insane how one person can open up your eyes so much and help you truly heal and change.

And because of that… I want to say sorry to those I might have hurt when I was still young and hurting. I know trauma isn't always an excuse but when it's all you know and you don't know how to control those feelings you are extremely volatile. I'm sorry to the friends I pushed away, I understand why you left. I'm sorry to the friends who stuck around and had to help me but I am also thankful for you. I'm also thankful to my audience who probably has 0 clue what I'm even talking about! I'm also sorry to those who had to witness my crippling hyper-fixation on You-Know-Who. I promise I'm over that LOL (while I still might draw That Specific Man, I am no longer mentally ill about him)

But why am I talking about this? Why all this deep conversation over a game where you ride around on a horse? Because I want to set my own record straight for myself and I want to start with a clean slate. This might involve a blog name change, maybe even a blog cleanse. But it starts here, with this post. And I'm really hoping this is the start to something better. I won't be posting right away as I want to get my own lore in order but I figured putting something into the world announcing my return (or that at least I've dropped my malice for the game) would be a good start.

I hope yall stick around! Lots of love from Sam 🦌🌿💚

[avpdpossum]

you have avpd and npd at the same time? if im nosy feel free not to answer, how does that manifest for you? i have avpd and im doubting whether i also have narcissistic or histrionic traits but they seem to be such contradictory pds i think im might be overanalyzing myself

i thought the same thing at first but, at least in my experience, they're honestly not as contradictory as they seem.

a lot of people think they're essentially opposites because they think that npd means having a super high self-esteem while avpd means having a super low self-esteem, but that's an inaccurate (or at least incomplete) picture of npd. in reality, npd is really more about having a super fragile or volatile self-esteem than a consistently high self-esteem, and that definitely can coexist with the characteristic low self-esteem of avpd.

for me, my avpd symptoms tend to be far more outward-facing than my npd symptoms. my internal monologue probably sounds a lot like other pwnpd, but i don't show it as much as some people do because avpd means my go-to coping mechanism for any internal state is avoidance. here's what that might look like:

i, like many pwnpd, can't stand not being the best at something. it totally wrecks my self-esteem. but instead of that manifesting as me being really competitive, i just quit at things really fucking easily, and i'll usually avoid competitive situations at all costs unless i'm with people i'm super comfortable around or i know there will be people who do worse than me. i've been known to stop doing an activity for literal years if i have one single experience of not being as good at it as i expected and even having panic attacks when forced to do it; i rarely do competitive things like board games with people aside from being able to play certain kinds of games with a handful of people that i'm a bit more comfortable being bad at shit with; when i learn new skills, i have to either teach them to myself totally alone or learn alongside other people who are also probably going to be really bad at it, because if there's even a chance i'll be the worst one in the room, i physically cannot make myself do it. i have that classic npd feeling of "i must be the best at everything and i will convince myself that i'm the best at everything and if anything proves that wrong i will go crawl into a hole and die", but the outward expression of it looks very classically avoidant because having avpd means that's always what my brain defaults to when dealing with current or potential distress.

one aspect of npd is incorrectly estimating the effect you have on other people. most people tend to assume this means either overestimating how much of a positive impact you have on people or underestimating how much of a negative impact you have on people, but for me, it often actually shows up as overestimating the negative impact i have on other people. as in, if i say one thing wrong and it seems like it made the other person uncomfortable at all, i'll immediately assume it was the worst thing i possibly could've said and that they'll never get over the trauma i've just caused them by opening my mouth. while a pwnpd doesn't have to have avpd to experience that symptom in this way, i believe i'm probably more likely to than most because having avpd means i'm already predisposed to vastly overestimating the impact of anything negative in an interaction.

the effect that npd has on my ability to feel empathy and generally form social connections is basically just one big vicious cycle that feeds into and is fed into by my avoidance. my sibling once described me (before i knew i had npd) as "bad at caring about other people". i very rarely feel empathy for other people, and i find it really hard to be emotionally invested in other people's lives, even people i enjoy having around and genuinely care about in my own way. the relationships i do have (which aren't many) are selfish in one way or another because my brain doesn't really know how to emotionally connect with people if there isn't something in it for me. all of that tends to create distance between me and other people, since it makes me very bad at forming the kinds of relationships that most people expect, which usually involve some level of empathy and emotional investment as a given. it also makes me distance myself from other people intentionally on top of that, because i know that's something a lot of people see as bad and that a lot of people wouldn't want to be friends with me because of it. it takes the perpetual avoidant anxiety of "if i let someone get close it'll only be a matter of time before they realize i'm a horrible person and leave" and turns it up to 100. so my npd actually ends up making me more avoidant, rather than contradicting the avoidance.

because there are some ways that avpd and npd contradict themselves, and particularly because i tend to stick with avoidance as my coping mechanism of choice, my brain is basically in a constant state of frustration. i want to pick fights and prove that i'm right, but the attention it gets me is torture so i either just sit there and quietly implode or say something, inevitably get negative attention for it, and retreat into my little avoidance hole in a panic to quietly implode (but worse). i want to stand up for myself when i feel like i'm not being treated the way i deserve and make other people treat me right, but the idea of them even knowing i exist (or, god forbid, disliking me because of how i want to be treated) is so unbearable that instead i just go through the world constantly feeling like i'm being mistreated and can't do anything about it. i want to follow all these grandiose fantasies i craft for myself about my future and be the best at everything ever, but i know deep down that there's a chance i won't be that good and not being that good feels like total failure, so instead i end up letting opportunities fall away as i avoid pursuing them and having to just sit there knowing i could be capable of way more, thinking about all of the delicious attention and praise i'll never get for it. i want to act on all of these npd thoughts and feelings, but because they're incompatible with avoidance and that's literally all i know how to do, i just torture myself internally instead.

those are just a few examples, there are definitely more ways they overlap, interact, and butt heads in my daily life, but those are the ones that come to mind as i'm writing this.

basically, i don't seem like someone with npd because my avoidance likes to take over most of the time when it comes to my outward behaviors, but internally i'm just one big chaotic mess of avoidant and narcissistic traits amplifying, combining with, or crashing into each other.

i can't speak as much to hpd because i don't have it, but i assume it's similarly not as contradictory as one might think. a disorder that's (at least in more simplistic conceptualizations of it, i don't know all about it) based around an unbearable need for attention may seem incompatible with avpd, the disorder that's makes you terrified of being known by anyone ever. but avpd also tends to involve really wanting relationships with others to a painful extent, even if you can't make yourself pursue them, and i imagine that has the potential for overlap with hpd.

good luck figuring it all out!