#genuinely everyone go read it right now
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I have just read @hearteye-emoji ‘s fic tripping into trouble, and y’all.. The way I am so invested and it single-handedly made Papercut my favourite duo. Ty for feeding my obsession tenfold 🙏
If you have already caught up with that one, might I suggest you check out Tulsa’s (Not So Super) Hero by way_too_many_fandoms on Ao3!! It’s sorta the opposite scenario, Ponyboy is Spiderman but still has to hide it from the gang! (25.6k words, PB&J)
#i am foaming at the mouth#genuinely everyone go read it right now#fic rec#the outsiders#purly#ponycakes
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I have a hard time hating Donovan because as much of an asshole he is to his son, that man has done nothing wrong in my eyes. I know the goal is to keep him as a mystery and a sort of looming threat but I’m not really threatened by the unknown.
He’s a dick to Damian but it’s never made clear why. The best assumption would be that he’s rich and therefore neglectful but that doesn’t seem to be the case with all the other kids at Eden. He just comes off as paranoid for again no particular reason. The most we know is that he thinks that everyone is inherently a bunch of liars which is a nice contrast to the main cast of characters and based on that odd conversation with Twilight we know that he extends this belief even to his own family. Unfortunately, I have a hard time hating him even for that because I’m the end Damian is like 6 and it just seems to logically insane to view a child as a potential opp that I can’t take it seriously. Also he never extended that kind of suspicion to Demetrius so I dunno maybe Damian is the problem.
As for his politics, they are effectively nonexistent. Only information that we know is that he maybe possibly would be interested in starting the war again but at the same time that’s not how war works. My best understanding is that he is trying to be re-elected to start the war again but if that’s the case then why would anyone vote for him? No context is given as to why he lost the last re-election (and that’s me assuming he lost and it’s not a case of term limits) or what the general public thinks of him. There was that one scene where Millie blamed him for the death of her father so maybe the gp isn’t too fond of him but it’s also never said why. As much as I am anti war I do know war is a nuanced issue so I can’t really say if I’m against Donovan without know why he is interested in the war. He didn’t even start the war also what even is the war. It’s constantly referenced but I don’t even know what they’re talking about. The timeline is so vague and confusing.
I’m nitpicking again but it’s really confusing. I get the upset about losing family to the war but wars are far too political and complicated for me to just side with anyone. Like I feel bad for veterans in general but also a lot of them are cold blooded murderers and rapists who proudly dedicated their lives to furthering white supremacy and engaging in neocolonialism so I can only feel so bad before I just say womp womp and move on. Brainwashing does seem to be an issue in Ostania but again like meh. They specifically said Ostania isn’t a socialist state which was the core of the conflict between East and West Germany and it’s the socialist/communist beliefs that caused the most harm in East German but if that not the case here then what is actually going on.
If you have any information that can help please share I am confused 🤔
Anyways here’s a tiny Yor
#spy x family#sxf#donovan desmond#the things that concern me are irrelevant to a normal person#WWII ended 1945 and the story is set in 1960 to 1979 which means the earliest distance between the end of the war and the start of the stor#is 15 years. Yor is canonically 27 which means she was 12 in 1945 ie the end of the war but she lived through the way so that’s wrong#obviously Donnie and melly have no official age but if we go based on us politics Donovan would have had to been a minimum of 35#to become pm. one person’s calculations estimated his age at 56 which means he would have been 42 at the end of the war but WWII was 7 year#but how would the pm change mid war did everyone just ignore the bombs to go exercise their democratic rights#and again that’s assuming it’s a democratic system because they did he lost recently but idk#also that would mean he was pm for well over a decade maybe even 2 so again what the hell happened there#now I have to go re-read the entire thing because I am genuinely confused rn#also spies are notorious for causing problems and instability in other countries so twilight is the real opp here#also personally if I wanted to stalk someone to find out if they’re gonna start a war again I’m going for the blackbells#Donnie already got the boot but papa Blackbell is still operating as normal definitely more likely to encourage war than a former pm#also Melinda is so cute hehe
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i do not know how to explain to people that "transmisogyny" is the specific transphobia that trans women + transfems face (often but not exclusively at the hands of cis people), and "transandrophobia" is the specific transphobia that trans men + mascs face (often but not exclusively at the hands of cis people), and that they all come together under the umbrella of "transphobia." these are not opposing concepts nor are they mutually exclusive, to believe in one does not mean non-belief in the other. is there a simpler way of phrasing this. can i be clearer.
#i can't handle that post that's going around accusing everyone who acknowledges the existence of transadrophobia of being a transmisogynist#i want to scream i want to peel my skin off thats not how this works that's not how any of this works#in fact one might imagine that understanding the nuances of all different types of transphobia might make you a better ally to trans women!#what a shock!#to understand that bioessentialism can harm trans women and trans men and nonbinary people and and and#im so tired. the hate campaigns are horrifying and the blatant and aggressive removal of trans women + transfems blogs is AWFUL and specifi#this falls under transmisogyny! we can acknowledge and understand that#right? right!#but that in no way just makes it trans men + mascs fault?? they are NOT the (only - there are cruel people in every demographic) people#who are mass reporting innocent transfem's blogs#it's TERFs and transmisogynists#if we have the nuance to understand that not every transmisogynist is a TERF then we can understand that not everyone who#acknowledges that transandrophobia is real is. a transmisogynist?! hello?? am i alive right now. am i currently living and breathing??#genuinely reading that post doesn't feel real. that is so far from reality i'm nauseated.#txtly#i genuinely don't know how this can be made any clearer.#i'm tired. idk
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Ive seenyou mention wuxia a few times now and i wonder what that is. Would you mind explaining it to me?
not the most qualified person to explain this as i'm not, in fact, from china; but i've read a couple of wuxia so here goes:
wuxia is a genre of fiction from china specifically, about martial artists in ancient china. i don't think a specific time period is like required? obviously some dynasties are more popular but idk how it goes in that front. it just has to be Not Today and probably Too Long Ago. like pre industral revolution i think. again idk if that's a requirement, but most i've seen are from around the same relative murky pre-electricity era.
xianxia is a subgenre of wuxia that's specifically more fantasy-like, and it's not just martial arts, but also spiritual powers and cultivation (which i have no fucking clue how to explain without two hours and three tangents other than chinese magic system. if you've ever heard of chi/qi as an energy, it appears there). so like- genshin is by all accounts a xianxia, it just doesn't use the more common specific xianxia terms like cultivation. some of those are very weird to translate and probably not common for the average non-wuxia reader, so it makes sense why they're going for alternatives.
chongyun and xingqiu and xianyun are very much straight out of a xianxia. xianyun's entire story quest was the closest genshin has gotten to a straight xianxia plot so far. i highly reccomend ashikai's video on unnecessary visions if you want more info on why genshin is a xianxia hahah
cyanide narwhal has some talk of some stuff from xianxia, but that's mostly because well- fucking liyue, that's how it works there. the whole light energy striking down someone who's getting powerful and giving them godhood if they survive the strike is, while not exactly like that, something that happens in some xianxia as well. like the way adepti work in general is just very xianxia. ashikai does a much better job explaining it than i do tbh but yeah
TL;DR: wuxia is chinese martial arts fiction in ancient china, and xianxia is a wuxia subgenre with more magic elements. also genshin is a xianxia
#i was going to recomend some xianxia if you're curious but like#genuinely don't know which one is a good starting point#like i'm tempted to say just dive headfirst into mdzs like most of us did but like#is mdzs the best place to start if you know nothing? unsure#genuinely#given how it's made to feel more lighthearted and formatted more like it's a fucking videogame#svsss might be a good launching pad#but tbf it's been a while since i read it#also it has unskippable sex scenes (i think??) so like- if you don't want to read that you're kind of out of luck there#not that mdzs doesn't have that either but they're not literally Plot Relevant. like the plot does not hinge on their horizontal tango#there's probably a good wuxia to start out there but i can't really remember right now#like mdzs is the easiest to recomend bc it's trial by fire and you're going to come out of the other end knowing like 80% of it all#plus it's not nearly as traumatizing as some of the other options#and it's so easily accessible it's almost funny#like take your pick: novel. live action. animation. audio drama. comic#it's fucking everywhere and the fandom is fucking huge so that's a giant plus#but that doesn't change the fact that idk if you can watch a couple episodes to get a feel for the wuxia genre. like would that work??#so i guess i'll leave that to everyone else to comment with any recomendations if they have a good one#for like an introductory work#or just decide mdzs is just the easiest point of entry. that can always be it. i mean we all made it anyway
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recent lounging babey images
#he's so floppy recently and I hope it's just the heat. I think wamr weather makes everyone floppy and loungy#a beauntifulle boye...#cats#STILL working on posting some drafts. finishing new poll adventure.. other things... It's just hard with the weather and other things going#on. I've had a few more doctors appointments and other things to do recently that have to be done in a time limit#so I hvae to use my extremely limited energy working on that instead of doing the things I'd really rather do. :T#Main focuses though are keeping up better with doing and posting costumes + sculptures as main creative things. at least finishing the#main poll adventure story. Reworking the game I kind of abandoned for a few years. keeping up with game videos and a few other side things.#Especially the game though. I've been in a really worldbuildy mood recently. I just wish that was easier to manifest into something. I've#now put the worldbuilding slideshow reading video on pause for a while because it's SOOO long to do#and I think I should prioritize making games and stuff instead. but still other things. IT's just kind of like.. I have a whole world and#everything very built and planned out but now.. what do I do with it? what's the best way to share that? factual slideshows just going over#the information like a dictionary? make it into a game? write short stories? do art attached to the world? etc. etc. ?? There are so many#potential avenues I end up kind of flip flopping between them a lot because none really seem more beneficial than the others and they all#seem equally enjoyable and also equally hard so. It's like?? I guess just do what the hell ever and hope I made the right choice in terms o#cost benefit and reward for my time lol. ANYWAY.. Also why I'm in my 'trying to make friends' era still because I think having other creat#ive friends can help you find direction like.. people will meet each other and then go 'hey lol just for fun lets start a project together!#and then like 5 years later it's genuinely become something. etc. having other people to help weed out ideas and start small creative teams#together and etc. I feel is a very beneficial part of networking or whatever but also I have the social capacity of a stale bread roll and#am also inherently unrelatable to seemingly a majority of people due to my hermit wizard swag (detachment from general society and hyper#focus on fantasy worlds in my head gjhghj) so trying to meet people as a grown adult with social issues is Very easy and fun (it is not)#even very basic things like my core communication style is so incompatible with a lot of people it's like.. hhhh... People in this modern#age have GOT to stop being afraid of phone calls and/or text that is longer than 6 paragraphs. Work with me here. I WANT to talk to you. bu#I do not know what your emojis mean and it's physically impossible for me to type less than 85 sentences. please.. hhjgjgb#AAANYWAY!! I am working on things when I can given the circumstances (SUMMER).. hopefully some costume pictures and stuff soon. :'3#I've not forgotten about my art and etc. - as usual I just am bad at social media and also functioning if it's above 65F lol
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Biting the bars of my enclosure about autistic ford tonight. There's something about him using vocabulary and turns of phrase that seem "outdated" or "pretentious" that feels so painfully genuine to me. When people say he talks like that just to "try to sound smart" I wish I could explain what it's like to be so ostracized from your peers growing up that you spend all your time reading instead, to the point where you pick up your way of speaking from books instead of from people. And then what it's like for people to call you out for "talking weird" over and over again, not able to wrap their heads around why the fuck you would choose more archaic or technical or formal words than the simpler ones that surely come to everyone's minds first. What it's like to have to dedicate a sizable chunk of attention to filtering through every single word you say out loud in real time before you say it, to make absolutely sure that it isn't a word people will judge you for using or make fun of you for using, just so you'll have a chance of being taken seriously. Learning through trial and error how to filter out the words that other people don't think are normal or casual enough for the conversation, even though for you, the word choice that's "natural-sounding" enough for them is the third or fourth word you came up with when searching for the right way to phrase something in your head. I wish I could explain just how long it takes to say fucking anything after spending a lifetime doing that during every single conversation, and how repetitive and long-winded you end up being when you spend so long coming up with alternative ways of saying every little thing you ever think. And I wish people realized that, at the very least for autistic people and autistic-coded characters, speech that's seen as pretentious is really just the way they talk when they're not putting in the extra effort to filter through every word they say just so others will take the time to listen.
#ford meta#actuallyautistic#everyone go read the wikipedia page for 'stilted speech' right now#long post#ford isnt very good at masking. he doesn't have the kind of (unintentional) autistic coding that is Palatable To Neurotypicals.#definitely looking-too-deeply-at-a-kid-cartoon right now but in *some* ways. a world where the majority of people think its easy to like an#-understand ford is a world that would feel safe for me to unmask in.#i truly truly hate that fully explaining my thoughts on ford requires me to say so much about myself. but god is it such a crime-#-to use a fictional character as a lens through which to try and explain to people how to be more understanding and accepting-#-of things like this.#making fun of stilted speech is so normalized that people don't even realize they're making fun of someone for being weird.#people think its Someone Thinking They're Better Than You but its something people lay awake at night wishing they could stop doing.#and yet they still end up using the Wrong Words and being labeled a Pretentious Asshole just for talking differently than the norm.#maybe there really are people out there who deliberately use big words to try and sound smarter than everyone else. I don't know.#all I know is. in a world where its pretty obvious that people who use a discongruently complex vocabulary get made fun of for doing that.#why would someone deliberately trying to impress people do something that would only get them laughed at.#sorry for being genuine on main. as if its my fault </3
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fr been sat here for 20mins googling like mad tryna find where i know this quote from thinking it was some deep quote from a book or tv show or sum but nahh it was from a fucking fanfic of course
#pleaseee i thought it was like a genuine quote from like a queer diary from like history or at least a devastating line from a show but nope#good omens fanfic#that i read months ago#anyway everyone go read pray for us icarus right now#i should reread it might help me heal from s2 e06#good omens#gos2#ineffable husbands#kori shitposts#pray for us icarus#atalan
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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hello good morning beautiful friends!
#another day! what are we all planning on doing with it! what is everyone reading right now! having finished gios room yesterday i#am currently not reading anything except um. hex hall. with ren. because i love ren. but a second hand book site had a sale going#on so i got 4 secondhand books for 13.30 and they're arriving this weekend :-) today i am planning to. carry on looking for jobs which#is miserable especially considering my cv is underwhelming and looks like i dont have much meaningful experience because i was#unable to find a delicate way of mentioning that on top of my old job i also did my managers' job starting from the ripe old age of 16#because they decided to just stop putting managers on most of the shifts i used to work so all the stuff that the manager was responsible#for was left to me and was not reflected in my pay...not that im bitter about that or anything...ANYWAY. also today i plan to#make some genuine progress with planning [noisy train passes by] and also get my paints down and sort through them to find which#ones havent dried up..maybe paint something..like a pigeon although i dont know how to draw or paint pigeons i just love pigeons and sheep.#(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again
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this election feels so hollow even though it’s likely ostensibly gonna be a good outcome. labour really just sucks fucking ass rn huh
#if the tories lose bad enough to make lib dems the opposition though… a guy can hope#I think it’s the fact that this is the first general election I can vote in that’s making me lose my mind a little here#I have done basically nothing but read today. I DO know a whole bunch more abt voting systems and the nightmare the tories have been now tho#I’m just kinda like. okay so what happens next? bc labour WILL do some decent shit but they also. fucking suck.#planning to look into the local green party once I’m back at uni bc I could actually do stuff there#I think I’m just dealing with a little bit of whiplash going from doing a biology degree where Everything is about climate change#like unambiguously it gets brought up in every topic (I DO focus on ecology and agricultural stuff and not like genetics but still)#clear consensus from literally everyone you talk to that shit has to happen right the fuck now.#it’s not even like I’m unaware of the state of policy rn I KNOW it’s a nightmare to do anything but we at least TALK about it#and then this election where it’s barely a footnote. biggest thing is the sewage dumping everyone’s talking about and yeah fucking finally#but is that all you’ve got?? the labour manifesto is bleak. it has a section and the stuff they’re proposing isn’t bad but it’s so little#and yeah no they’ve changed the official line on the manifesto to ‘make Britain a clean energy superpower’#I SWEAR it was different a few days ago#maybe I’m being pessimistic bc their plans for clean energy if they actually do them could be huge especially if they manage it by 2030.#it’s just that I know what the targets are and they’re already pulling back on shit like EVs bc of the shift right and I am So Tired#two party politics is a curse. as much as reform is an actual nightmare them getting a decent vote share might actually be the thing that#gets people talking abt proportional representation again bc they are nothing if not good at being loud#did you know we had a fucking referendum in 2011 bc what the fuck. and it went SO BADLY even though people generally supported it#god idk I think I’m once again being naively optimistic about people and election coverage has been very good at knocking me down a bit#people generally are good. I have to believe this. but man the british public is making that really fucking hard#genuinely I think a good chunk of that is down to first past the post driving politics to be divisive and aggressive#like is it the only problem? fuck no. but it’s definitely poisoning the way this shit goes bc when all the parties do is jab at each other#what are we actually doing here#idk I’m gonna stop now but this is taking up a ridiculous amount of bandwidth rn I can’t wait for it to be over#already dreading what the next election could look like in 4 years if starmer continues to suck ass bc I don’t trust him to not like at all#luke.txt#I said i was done but I just looked at the lib dem manifesto and oh my god it’s actually pretty good on this? holy fucking shit
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#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
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the thing about twd fic dying off around s6/s7 is that plot lines and characters beyond that are barely incorporated and included so now we're forever stuck reading about fucking negan being the biggest baddest killer to ever walk the earth and the whisperers and reapers and governors are left in the dust. for once i just wanna read about negan being the Alexandria Outcast: Hated By Most, Needed By Some, and let alpha or the fucking commonwealth be the monster at the end of the story. please
#like don't get me wrong he truly was that bitch for a hot season or two there but please.#im too tired to word any of this right i just think that having negan as the only villain in fics is boring#and i would instead like to read about#the trials and tribulations of him trying to co-raise a child with a guy that thinks showering is Optional#and would also like to go into the whole negan and judith being friends and daryl raising judith and daryl and negan#having grief with each other over shit that genuinely fucking matters and is impossible to sweep under the rug but also the fact that theyre#both trying so fucking hard to do right by the kids#that doesnt make sense. Whatever#IN THE HOT TIME TRAVEL FIX IT AU that lives in my head#where everything from the start til the finale happens#with some extra bits and pieces too#where everyone that survived til the end wakes up at the start again and Remembers#but everyone thats dead forgets#negan rocks up at the prison gates with actual lucille by his side#laura and franklin behind him#knocks on the gate all little pig little pig let me in. cos he thinks hes funny. and its a prison#and daryl. whos on watch. is like. No. Fuck this guy. Fuck no#and maggie's like. Absolutely not. Fuck no x2#and negans like. I had a choice. And I Made it. and now I'm here.#i told you what i'd do if i could do it all over again. turns out; i can't.#if you wont take me i get it. But you gotta accept lucille. brought her all the way here cos i knew if she fucking stood a chance;#it'd be with you lot.#OKAY WELL shit it more complex than that but this is tumblr tags and also im tired. but u get the jist#anyway. fic where negans with team family from earlier on the road and then they all have to sort out their Feelings and shit
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#sonic#archie sonic#sonic universe#poll✨#RIP TAILS ADVENTURE AND TREASURE TEAM TANGO YOU WILL BE MISSED :((((#not that im not happy to see shattered. but the poll runner's fave should not bias the votes all four of the semifinalists are top tier#genuinely have no idea how this round is going to go i am on the edge of my seat#secret freedom is so good everyone should read secret freedom right now
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kind of wish my way of coping with morbid things wasn't to expose myself to them until I become desensitised lol
#saw an iceberg for deaths caught on camera and was like. wow there is a LOT of information to look into and take in and none of it#is going to be nice. maybe i should leave and forget I've ever seen this#but no like obviously now i have no choice but to read in depth about every single death on there#bc i know if i ignore it i'll be thinking about it for longer#this was like with threads bc when i first heard a bit about it i was like. that sounds horrible. and i have a dissertation due in a few#weeks so like. i do Not need this on my mind right now#but that didn't do anything so in the end i had to watch it to get it out of my system#and then i guess it sort of worked bc?? now me and threads are besties#fav comfort film of all time. would recommend to everyone#okay not that. but genuinely i forget how bad i felt when i first read about it and now i think about scenes from it like 😐#is that healthy. probably not. anyway#also at the start of this year i was obsessed with kaylea titford's death and then not long after that shafilea ahmed's as well#that era feels so far away even though it was only like 8 months ago#but like e.g. with the shafilea ahmed thing i'm at the stage now where if it comes into my head i can easily push it away#but i could not do that back in february i literally wouldn't be able to sleep until i'd found out every single bit of information#oh god it's nearly the 20th anniversary of that isn't it#but yeah anyway it's like once you show me something morbid. even just a glimpse of it. that's it there's no going back#i will Not Stop until i know everything there is to know about it. and then it'll be on my mind for weeks until i stop feeling anything#and then i'll forget about it#i remember as kids me and my sister would sometimes see An Image on the unfiltered 2000s internet#like that one pic of the chupacabra that's obviously not real but like as a kid it's terrifying#and my sister's response would've been to close it and never look at it or think about it again#and i remember my parents wouldn't allow me to talk about chupacabras in front of my sister#which waS SO HARD bc my response to it was to hyperfixate#and the image creeped me out so to get rid of it i would look at it like everyday until i didn't feel anything anymore#and then me and the chupacabra image were besties <3 and I'd make jokes about it#idk what the point of this post is I've basically just told the same story three times#and there will soon be a fourth. once i watch this video going through the deaths caught on camera iceberg#which i am not going to do now bc it's 00:35 and if i don't sleep now i never will#ramble
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okay i will actually stop the public breakdown sort of now because it's kind of embarrassing but i do need to point out that my girlfriend sent me a video which i do not find funny and like i'm already splitting right now and i really do not need this energy in my life where are the funny men like what are we doing here
#public meltdowns are good to use in reserves bc people really care initially but after a while it's like#yeah okay here's mare again not handling her emotions which w/e that's my whole fucking thing but like#it is no longer fun so use it well when you have it that's just my advice#anyway. oh i forgot what i was going to say oh fucking whatever#now i'm just cold why is my room fucking freezing this time of year. i'm so fucked in college like actually#i'm genuinely going to snap in half in college it's going to be such a thing . i'm going to actually throw up i think#post canceled i got sad about going to college fucking sue me. okay? i'm going to go fucking crazy#do you know what it's like to watch yourself go crazy do you know what it's like to always be the crazy one#because i'm ALWAYS the crazy one like for years that's why i keep breaking down publicly#cause like everyone knows i'm THAT one you know.#and no i cannot talk about this one on one individually who the fuck do you think i am! who am i putting this on!#my friends are all like you should tell me your emotions No actually bc here's the thing#if people do not want to see me vent here they block tags and they unfollow and they block me#and like it's over. who cares. we're done bitches#but in text like there's no escape honey there is nothing#so like. even if i want that i don't do that i don't fuck with that. what am i even talking about#OH MY GOD THE UNFUNNY VIDEO WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOO#i'm going to listen to the recs alek just sent me because alek is the best. you all follow him right#i'll just leave her on read who fucking cares#she's not gonna notice
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okay just coming back here to sadpost because i’m needing to rant about feelings
#i feel like i’m annoying literally everyone i talk to about my feelings#including my own therapist#but i genuinely have a feeling im going to die from my surgery#i know it’s likely just a trauma response because the first experience i had with surgery was when i was like 4 and my great grandpa died#he died on the table too so like. what if that happens to me#i also feel like my best friend is sick of hearing about my anxiety and sick of dealing with it all which fucking hurts#they’ve been incredibly distant and when i talked about it this morning they started responding with a word or two only#like i get it. these feelings are a lot. i know that all too well#i might just be projecting but it’s hard to not notice the difference in responses#yesterday and today they haven’t responded as often or as quick as they usually do#and these past few days i’ve been an absolute mess#i wish they’d just. express how they’re feeling about this all#if they’re overwhelmed i wanna know!!!! i can vent to someone else about it!!!!!#i think i may just. stop#which i know is Not Healthy#but im doing the best i can right now and sometimes it’s not a healthy coping mechanism#anyway i just. hope things get better soon. i hope i feel better and less alone and isolated#with my other best friend being out of the country it’s just. too much#this is when i need support the most and with my best friend seeming annoyed and all of my other friends pulling back i just feel so alone#anyway im crying on the toilet and that’s embarrassing#im sorry if you read all this#(phoebe if you’re reading this you’re not making me feel unsupported)#(if anything you’re my biggest support)
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