#genuinely dying violently at 15 and then coming back to see that the world moved on without you is traumatizing enough on its own

[kittykatninja321]

Tickles me when people try to pin Jason’s under the red hood antics on the Lazarus pit. Like no girl that was 100% Organic locally owned farm raised grass fed mental illness, no magic needed for that rage

[artsyxloner]

Not Just a Monster

Warning: None

15. Running out of supplies

We were running out of water, that's what Eun-Hyuk told me, there was a small Secret group meeting We had. I was Currently in the Storage room packing and dividing the rations.

With Ji-Su, Jae-Heon, Eun-Hyuk's and Hyun-Su he was finally able to come out and Socialize with others. I was happy he didn't have to stay Cooped up in that small room.

Coming out from the closet I saw Ji-Soo carrying a pack of water bottles it must have been heavy because she looked like she was in pain. And her face was more Paler now than before.

Going over I picked them up for her, this time I asked, I was getting concerned. " are you okay?" I whispered, laying the water down. She was caught off guard by the question.

" Pardon?"

I stopped at what I was doing, " I know there something wrong you should tell someone." We packed food and other Essentials, putting them in small crates and boxes. " I'm fine plus if there was something wrong no one will be able to help-"

She was interrupted when someone busted in through the door. It was Seung-wan he started to yell, getting angry. " Stop!" We all looked up at him.  Has he gone nuts already?

" did you think I wouldn't notice if you guys, ran away?"  I raised an eyebrow, we aren't Secretly running away, where did he hear this from?

Eun-Hyuk and came in, as did the other guys. " give me my share!" He ran towards Jae-Heon grabbing the food he was holding. Trying to take it away from him. " Fuck I can't trust anyone anymore!"

He screamed out like a mad man, Jae-Heon grabbed him trying to calm him down. " clam down, let's talk!" But Seung-Wan pushed him against the glass Freezer. " don't touch me!!" He pulled out a box cutter knife pointing it Jae-Heon's neck.

My eyes widened thinking he was going to cut him. " I'm not going to die here like this! I'm going to leave here by myself!" He then pointed it at Eun-Hyuk I started to walk forward but Hyun-Su grabbed my hand and shook his head.

"  give me the car keys." He pushed something pasted him it hitting the wall getting closer to Eun-Hyuk with the knife. " Give me the car keys you asshole! Give me the car keys you son of a-" he screamed, his hand shaking with the knife.

He was about to get cut Eun-Hyuk but was stopped by Sang-Woo. He pulled him away and punched him straight in the face. He fell, groaning in pain, but he grabbed him pulling the mad man up.

Dragging him away, I should have been shocked by what I just saw but in this world it was normal I wasn't Surprised but we humans shouldn't act like this towards each other, we should at least have some common courtesy.

Following them Seung-Wan was on the floor. " why don't you go out there then?" Sang-Wook Insisted, Seung-wan started to scream like crazy. " you don't know how it feels. To have your life and someone else's hands!!"

" what are you doing?" Gil-Seob came in to view. " do you want the kids seeing this?" He questioned, I turned my head to them. " Who cares what the kids see you're not? We're all going to die anyway!!" It all got quiet for a moment.

We all were staring at him until Gil-Seob began to walk towards him. " No... not all of us will." He crouches down to Seung-Wan level. " people who act stupid As you do. Just because they're afraid are the ones who die first!"

He then slapped his knee, " get a grip, and more importantly Take care of your own life." He told him the guy looked like he was about to cry. After that, it was silent and very awkward.

Like the air was on thin ice if you stepped on it, it could break at any given moment. Everyone then began to leave because of it. But before I went, I hadn't realized I was holding Hyu-Su's hand the entire time.

It was Firmly gripped in mine. Did Hyun-Su know we were holding hands? I mean it's not that hard to Acknowledge plus he was holding it tight. Taking a glance at him his eyes were peering down at our interlocked fingers.

A blush formed on his cheeks, eyes wide and big. Letting go, I was kinda embarrassed. He looked up my way, but I left before he could say anything. My stomach was feeling queasy like I needed to throw up.

I knew why though I was getting feeling for Hyun-Su and it was too many feelings for my stomach to handle. I said that I should live life but it's hard when you don't know when you're time is up and that you're gonna turn into a monster anytime soon.

Going to the bathroom, I splashed water on my face, trying to calm myself down. I can like him right? Even though we were both infected he just didn't know it yet. Is it worth it though, I would just end up getting my hopes up? 

Why is this so complicated, I grumbled.  Knowing liking someone in this Situation leads to trouble and never turns out good. When I was done having a two-sided conversation with myself I went back into the day-care-Center to clear my head.

But Eun-Hyuk stopped me, " I need to talk it's important." He insisted, Motioning for me to follow him we walked into the office and I saw, Gil-Seob and Du-Sik. What were they doing here?

" We need more supplies," Eun-Hyuk began, " food is running sort so is the water as you know it's Been Contaminated we need to get outside resources." He said this writing it all on a Chalkboard.

" first Mr. An has been scouting out the area to make sure it's safe for the person that goes out, Mr. Han is fixing the car and Reinforcing it. And Lastly Soo-Nico you will go out and get the supplies we need."

He explained as if the others already knew about this and volunteered me for the job. " I'm not doing this to use you Soo-Nico you are the best chance we have out there." He said as if I was the only one to do it.

I guess I was the only one able to do the job since I knew were every monster out there, including their whereabouts, how they kill, and how to escape if necessary.

Thinking it over, it was for everyone's survival including mine. So I agreed to it, not seeing I had a choice either. We all made our way to the Day-Care-Center telling everyone we were having a meeting.

I sat in the left corner of the room on a desk. While everyone piled in, seeing Hyun-Su he sat next to me on a stool. Things were still kinda awkward soon we didn't say anything to each other.

Soon Eun-Hyuk brought in the chalkboard I saw just a few moments before he stood in front of it, " we need to Venture outside, we only have five days' worth of food. We'll search the Convenient store first."

He told us, good for him I know a store that still tons of food. " isn't too dangerous?" Jae-Heon, questioned, well yes it was. " we've been preparing, Mr. An has scouted out the area And Mr. Han is working on the car." He explained.

" Hang on there, four eyes who's going then, I mean are we going to draw straws?" Byeong-ll wondered, wanting to know who will go out.

" it's an important mission only Who is likely to succeed will go and knows what it likes out there." He finished, they didn't have to guess they all knew. " Soo-Nico will go out there with her experience."

Everyone's eyes landed on me, including Hyun-Su. " but didn't she get caught up in that spider web?" Someone I didn't even know the name if asked. Eun-Hyuk nodded, " Yes but she got out on her own."

He defeated me, which I was shocked by. Soon the meeting was over and they all left, telling me good luck. I didn't expect it though. Going back outside, I don't know if I was ready?

" So you're going out there?" Hyun-Su spoke, it Startled me when he did. Getting over my mini heart attack I told him yeah. "I'm the only one so who else?" I laughed

I was expecting him to but he wasn't. His face was blank. " but do you want to?" As if he read my mind a few minutes ago, I didn't but there are some things you have to do. " I wouldn't do it if it wasn't necessary but it is." And it was, but Hyun-Su seemed to understand.

" Just be careful."

I smiled, " sure, whatever you say." I was happy he was genuinely concerned, but he shouldn't be, leaving him alone I walked out but saw Ji-Soo running to the restroom she was sweating badly, and she looked deadly pale.

Clutching her side, I knew something was wrong. Going after her, she was banging on the only working stall door. " hurry up, you're still not done?" She was bending over in pain Groaning.

Eun-Yoo was in the stall. She began to talk but there was a short pause. " –yeah I need more time." She said making her wait on purpose. Shaking my head I went over there.

Grabbing the doorknob I shook it violently. " hey open up she needs to go in there it's urgent!" I demanded, hitting the door. Ji-Soo wasn't looking so good.

" that's too bad for her, she should have come yesterday if it was so urgent." I couldn't believe her words, " Hey, do you have a death wish!!" I threatened, " what I'm using the bathroom to survive, you know." I rolled my eyes she didn't understand the situation.

" Hey, Eun-Yoo hey! Hurry up! Come on." She banged on the door. Leaning against it, like she couldn't keep herself up. I have enough of this bullshit. " Eun-Yoo! Open the door right now, she in pain." I heard her sign from the other side.

" I would be careful how your talking to me don't want a little Secret to get out." She laughed, Just as I said that she fell to the floor.

I let out a scream, moving next to her, " Ji-Soo?! Ji-Soo?!" I shook her trying to get her to wake up. Soon Eun-Yoo came out, staring at her she gazed over letting out a small scream.

She ran over, " Hey, what's wrong? Come on wake up!" Now that she was on the floor pasted out did she care? " are you turning too? Because you couldn't take a shit?"

She shook her harder, " Hey, wake up, Yoon Ji-Soo. W he acts wrong wake up!!" She cried, screaming, I was too tears fell my cheeks not knowing if she was dying or not.

[kissingcullens]

Sam killing Dean at the end of the show is so big brained, thank you for sharing it with us

Listen!!

They could never pull it off, but if it was done WELL, I think that would have been amazing. Again, in a perfect world, I personally would have preferred a happy ending and atonement from Dean...

...and TBH my gut instinct is that having Sam kill Dean himself would be too fucking brutal, if only for how much that would fuck Sam up... (haha, unless...? 👀)

...but if the writers “always knew they wanted to kill Dean...” smh! They could have really gotten some flavor and some DRAMA by making Dean Vs. Sam the final conflict??

Maybe under the leadership or manipulation of somebody else, maybe not... idk how it would happen but of course it would have to have a good amount of buildup; a few seasons at least- and it would have to be done in such a way where both men have powerful motivation so that the audience FEELS the conflict and it feels genuine and inevitable.

But what could be more climactic, personal and impactful for the FINAL season than to finally have that battle between Sam & Dean the writers kept flirting with and flinching away from!?

Silver vs. Flint!! Betrayal! Drama!! Tragedy!!! Brothers on opposite sides of a divide too great to cross... Dean knowing Sam so well that it’s easy to anticipate his next move, and vice versa...

Like the way that the central conflict in the series was so often Sam and Dean being pitted against one another- (Lucifer vs. Michael obviously, and they had a whole thing about the goddamn Mark of Cain for gods sakes; the original fratricide)

-and how much of their dynamic is Sam shrinking to fit into this box of acceptable behavior to avoid violence from Dean, while Dean loses sight of his original justifications for his own violence (to protect Sam, to protect people...)

The way that in S1 John told Dean “You will have to either save your brother, or you will have to kill him.”

The way S4 Dean said he’d rather let Sam die than allow him to be a monster... the many Sam stand-in characters that Dean murders or tries to kill, like Amy, Cyrus, Jack, the Rugarou, etc...

And that becomes an overarching theme for the show, and we see a Dean who, for whatever reason, comes to believe that he and Sam are on opposite sides of a conflict... planning to do something SO heinous that Sam finally believes that Dean is out of control and needs to be stopped. (Maybe it involves Jack?? Or even the return of Amy’s young son, who would be a teenager or a young adult by now...)

The way that the show could expand on how Dean’s tragic flaw; the thing that Dooms him, is that he can’t grow beyond the tiny box that Hunting and his father have put him in, and that he would even kill his beloved baby brother to maintain that status quo... as long as Dean cannot accept otherness or ambiguity, he and Sam are inevitably fated to clash.

Dean becomes his father... becomes even worse than his father, because for Dean, Hunting and annihilating the Other becomes THE End Goal in itself, and his motives and moral qualms get obliterated one by one as with each hunt he crosses his own boundaries of morality...

And yeah, maybe there’s a huge fight, or maybe Dean accepts another possession-style bargain, or maybe Sam just chooses to side with the Monstrous and they fall out and Dean hardens his heart against his brother. (“I don’t have a brother.”)

OH and you know how you can compare “first and last scenes” for parallels?

What if the last fight was Dean breaking into Sam’s living space, just like he did 15 years earlier when he was just a young man breaking into his baby brother’s apartment in the middle of the night... but this time it’s with deadly intent.

And Sam’s original goal to escape his abusive family (a family that is unable to accept him, and equally unwilling to let him go) finally comes to its shocking and inevitable, violent conclusion. So good!

It would be tragic of course; maybe Dean has his Darth Vader moment where he flips at the last moment and saves Sam from the villain sneaking up to stab him in the back and sustains a fatal wound himself, and you have that heartbreaking scene dying in your brother’s arms, repenting... the pain!? The DRAMA!!!

[alitheamateur]

The Grind-Chapter 11

Seats were limited by the time I got to the small dressing area turned conference room, so I opted to stand against the back wall instead of stepping into a crowded aisle. Plus, a standing Liv would catch his attention sooner than a sitting one. Within 5 minutes of waiting, Mendez sashayed through a side entrance, championship belt undoubtably in tow, clashing with his red, yes, RED suit of choice. Jolly ol’ Saint Nick himself would’ve turned up a nose in disgust. He took a seat, propping his prized possession in display on the white table. Prayers of pleading rolling through my head that this blatant narcissist wouldn’t drain all the life out of the room with endless ramblings for the upcoming hour. Right now, it wasn’t this particular fighter that I needed answers from. Thankful for a recording device, I muted most of the repetitive questioning until I was ready to join in. 

“Yeah, Miss Elliott in the back there,” he selected.

“Congratulations on the victory, Danny. I was wondering, if Colton were to call you out for the title again, would you accept?”

He chuckled, “ I mean, yeah. I beat the guy once, so I wouldn’t have a problem doing it again. All jokes aside though, honestly, the guy is scrappy in the cage. I’ll give him that.” In Danny Mendez translation, that was a compliment.

His session ended with mumbling something about having a bottle on ice and blah, blah, blah, leaving us now to wait for the losing man of the hour. Upon 15 very exasperated minutes, two reporters withdrew due to justified impatience of Colton’s delay. Amongst the growing chatters, the black hands of a clock at the rear of the room ticked noisily, it’s repetitive soundtrack creating a deafening echo amid the whispering gallery. After what I assumed was at least 25 minutes passing, an unidentified blonde wearing some sort of badge on her hip, resolutely marched her way front and center.

“Alright guys, that’s gonna be it for tonight. Sorry to disappoint.”

I teetered between irritation, and concern. Was this one of his rebellious PR stunts? Or was he currently being rushed to the nearest emergency room for some kind of growing side effects resulting from an unanticipated injury? I would’ve liked to think Mac, Beth, or perhaps some member of his team would’ve had the courtesy to think of me if that was the case. However, after the cold shoulder from Colton earlier, maybe I was no longer in the inner circle. No longer one of the “popular kids.” Surely, I hadn’t already been tossed aside to join the other outcasted groupies already?

We filed out of the room scattering down different hallways, and I withdrew my phone from my purse. Seeing no missed calls, I decided to lean on relief rather than panic. When I pushed the panel opening the parking garage door, I slid a single key between my middle and index finger. A defense tactic that Colton stressed as dire necessity when I was alone out in the city, at night especially. In his words, I was evidently “green” to the harsh reality that there were indeed violent people here, who’d stab you for the 14 bucks you had in your wallet, and the busted Coach knockoff hanging over your shoulder. Back in Indiana, we didn’t even lock our cars most nights, so Colt’s enthusiastic warnings about his own close call with a mugger, did not fall on deaf ears. If any brave, or entirely ignorant individual had the gall to attempt a robbery on a barrel chested man such as my guy, they’d see me as a sure score.

I double tapped the unlock button opening the driver door, and intently scanned the surroundings when my headlights ignited. I sat aimlessly staring at the blank screen of my phone, the thunderous internal battle now underway.

Call the clueless fool, Liv. Give him the scolding he deserves.

The devil on the right: NO chance. Leave the bastard wondering where you’ve gone. If you’ve made it home safely.

Back to the left. CALL HIM. What if something bad really is going on. You’ll never forgive yourself if he’s hurt.

That was all the convincing I needed. I truly couldn’t live myself had he been unconscious in a hospital bed, suffering from some life-threatening contusion with me not at his side due to my hurt feelings. Vindicated, even still.

“It’s Colton. You know the drill. Leave a message or don’t.”

“Um, hey Colt. It’s Liv. Which you obviously know. Anyways, just checking in with you before I head home for the night. Call me back. Wanted to make sure you’re okay. Uh…yeah, that’s all. So, call me back. I love you.”

I gave myself 5 minutes in the warming car for a call back before my mind spoke up. If he is indeed hurt somewhere, a call to his phone would not be sufficient to reaching the root of the problem. So, one measly text to Beth, then I really would engage the silent treatment.  

L: Sorry to bother you so late, Beth. Just checking in on Colt. I can’t seem to get in touch with him. Wanted to make sure he was alright.

The indicating bubbles of reply danced quite timely after I had hit the send button. I was impressed by the youngest generation of the baby boomer era and her swift technological skill.

B: No bother, sweetheart. He left the arena not long after you hurried off to the conference. Said he just wanted to call it a night.

So, the bastard wasn’t on his death bed in the back of some ambulance after all. Or dying in the hands of a brain surgeon attempting to locate the source of some imagined internal bleeding. Leaving him completely and utterly unexcused for the selfish, and frankly juvenile behavior. Sure, I get the loss was hanging heavy and a night alone in his own bed was therapeutic to nurse his defeat, and freshly wounded body back to health. I couldn’t be mad at him for seeking out a little isolation, I guess. That was one of the personality flaws of Colton, it seemed. Something doesn’t play out in your favor? Run. Someone questions your judgement? Shout, then run. The fact that zero communication had been made with me, the innocent spectator, was the true “no-no” in my book. Especially after the hypocrite scolded me one afternoon for leaving my phone at home on the coffee table one day on my brisk exit to work. He had driven down to the Pilot office, had the secretary summon me to the front entrance so he could reprimand me in the corner about he had worried all morning when he didn’t hear from me, and wasn’t sure if I was alive or dead. Yet, here we were. Tables indeed turned, and not even so much as a single text message just assuring me he was home safe, sound, and not experiencing signs of a brutal concussion or what not. I made up my stubborn mind that when, or if for that matter, that he wanted to talk he could find me. I wasn’t about to drag myself any further into oncoming traffic for a man who pulled stunts like this one. Not without an apology at least.

 Tuesday morning. Two days since the fight. Two FULL days. Crickets. 48 hours. For all I knew, Colton Ritter had hopped a plane to Mexico and was sunning on the beach with a beautiful, topless native as we speak. Keeping the promise to myself, and my self-respect, I held my ground & hadn’t reached out to him since leaving a voicemail late after the fight. The plus side? I had an over abundance of time to finalize my article for Ryan, who had texted me with instruction to head straight for his office as soon as I made it to work. It was edited, proofread, and emailed to him by midmorning on Monday, so I was sure he’d had his chance to look over my work. I mindfully sported my best suit on this particular day, leaning if he thought the article was shit and I was in for a lecture, at least I’d look fabulous while taking my reprimanding.

I marched directly to my boss’ office at 8:00 a.m. sharp, shoulders held high ready to take whatever bad, or good that was coming my way. Two knuckle knocks to his wooden, “editor-in-chief” plated door before he granted my entrance.

“Liv, hey! Goodmorning. Come in, have a seat, have a seat.”

I flashed a reserved smile, lowering to be seated directly across the L-shaped desk from him. “You wanted to see me?”

Thankfully, he grinned brightly, “I did, yeah. Feeling a bit of relief with this one off your shoulders?”

“Actually, I enjoyed it a lot. I mean, aside from Mendez being quite the… snide character, it was honestly kind of fun for me. MMA isn’t really a sport I’ve had much exposure to, but I’ve grown pretty fond of it now.” I figured that response was better than saying “I fell in love with Colton Ritter during this process and we’ve been dating under the table for the last several months.”

Ryan leaned forward on his desk, intertwining his hands together outstretched. “That’s actually one of the things I wanted to discuss with you. This piece was by far the best work I’ve seen from you. Not to discredit any of your past articles, of course! But, it was clearly displayed that you were genuinely enjoying yourself with this topic,” he explained. “Which is why I’ve decided to move forward with publishing you front page.”

A toothy smile immediately turned my lips upward, sweating palms replaced with a leaping heart.

“I know we spoke about only going that route if Ritter took the win since the piece was centered around him. But, your writing was too unbelievably excellent to not reward the dutiful job you did.”

I tried to save face, remain composed but I cupped my hands over my cheery face and released a tiny squeal, however not forgetting to thank my boss for the career altering opportunity.

“Thank you so, so SO much, boss. Truly, I’m so grateful!”

“You earned it, Liv. But don’t thank me just yet. There’s something else I’d like to suggest.” Was he pulling the “good news first to stifle to bad news” bit with me?

“I’ve discussed it with a few of the higher ups, and I’d like to designate you as our resident journalist for all things in the world of fighting. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I think you may have found your niche with this one. Of course, there’d be a slight increase in pay with the position.”

The heaviness of the weekends dramatic unfolding’s took a momentary backseat to the unexpected pleasantries of this spring-esque Tuesday morning. Still, this very second, the only thing I wanted to do was run to Colt with the good news…

“If you think that’s where I belong, then I’d love to give it a shot. It’s definitely a sport I’d like to continue getting familiar with.”

He nodded with a single clap of his hands, “That’s what I like to hear! We’re lucky to have you here, Elliott. I think this a good move. So, we’ll talk later on in the week to settle everything 100%. And I’ll see you on the front-page Thursday morning, my friend.”

We shook hands, and I nearly skipped the distance spanning from his office to my quaint cubicle. I wondered if the birds I heard singing a song of rejoice around my head were visible to the rest of the office. I lifted the screen of my silver laptop, primed and ready to dive into the world of my latest endeavors. I searched the internet scanning for upcoming matches in the city, some of Pittsburgh’s own who competed in the arena of cage fighting, then I heard a ding signaling a message on my unsilenced phone.

C: Meet at Mac’s soon?

The utter nerve of this guy. Sure, I haven’t heard as much as a ‘hey’ from you in two days, but I’ll be sure to leave an hour into a work day per your request. God help the male population if they’re all this clueless.

L: He speaks.

He knew me well enough to know I’d throw a tad bit of shade at him.

C: Meet me, please?

L: Its not even 10 a.m., Colton. I’m working.

C: After? We need to talk.

Oh, ya’ don’t say, genius. I’d say we were about two days overdue for a talk, sweet, silly boy.

L: 4:30. I have some news of my own too!

C: Great.

TAGS: @torialeysha @eap1935

[raccoonpatriotism]

📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂📂

Random, Useless Headcanons | Accepting

i like how i keep labeling this meme as “accepting” when i have…. 260 of these right here.

1: Has he driven a car before? Yes. Should he be allowed to keep driving? No.

2: You know that “I’m washing me and my clothes!” vine? That’s Jane. It’s efficient.

3: If you gave him Cat Food he’d say it’s the best thing he’d ever tasted.

4: Before going to Poland to serve his time, he hired a sex worker. Her touch would be the last non-violent physical contact he would feel for the next 9 or so years.

5: 

6: He donates a healthy sum of his paychecks to wild animal and veteran charities. 

7: Jane’s ‘friendship’ with Merasmus is the longest relationship he’s ever held.

8: Jane doesn’t believe in the number 8.

9: He doesn’t have any titty mags, but he does have tasteful pin-up for the inside of his locker.

10: He’s an excellent swimmer - but will sometimes forget to hold his breath. 

11: Getting Jane to imprint on you like a baby bird is really easy. Be strong, be patriotic, be funny, be determined. 

12: He trusts everything he’s told from someone he views as a friend.

13: He’s been on BLU before - it was brief.., a WAR! got started and ended. A few years went by and he was balanced to RED

14: Continuation of 13, it was… very easy to get him to believe he was always on RED team.

15: He loves fighting robots - but nothing compares to the feeling of a neck snapping in his hands.

16: He taught himself how to use every weapon he came across in Poland - it took a few years before he ran into a rocket launcher…. His life was changed from that moment onward.

17: His knowledge of the US military comes from tv and stories from veteran home he was forced to work at through his older years at the orphanage. (Outdated or complete bullshit.)

18: The liveliness of America is just one of the innumerable reasons he loves the country. Even things he hates (like.. war protesters/hippies) have this determination in them that makes him proud.

19: He’ll pick ear wax out of his ear, sniff it, grimace, and happily hold the finger out to somebody near him.

20: He only wants the best for you.

21: Getting him to realize he’s actually ended civilian’s lives is a conversation that would take over an hour. His brain has the wildest, irrationally rational excuses ever. (”Officer Miss Pauling, what I am about to say will SHOCK you; I was framed” will never make me not lose my mind. ilove him)

22: His moral compass is, admittedly, terrible, but he genuinely wants the best for people in the world.

23: Helping people, serving his country, that’s his goal. That all he wants out of life. He’s a cog in the machine of war and he loves it.

24: Consequences don’t exist in Jane’s world.

25: He’s so fucking bisexual. This headcanon is not useless at all.

26: Jane snores like a chainsaw - and will then be absolutely silent for spaces of minutes.

27: He never covers his face when he sneezes.

28: He’s very touchy feely - A way to make up for what he so clearly craves.

29: But god this man wants to be touched.

30: As much as Jane holds back on admitting to weakness, he’s also just a genuinely honest guy so simple prodding usually gets him to spill.

31: Jane has never purposefully manipulated someone in his life.

32: He’s only ever seen one movie. Well, more like registered he always zones out at some point. Sometimes starting the movie in a day dream and zoning back in to catch the ending. The movie he’s fully seen was watched through 3 separate sessions.

33: War films, what he does catch, always make him cry.

34: With everyone he meets; Jane immediately thinks of two things. How to kill them. And what to say when holding their guts into their dying corpse and crying to the sky.

35: He has no idea he’s beautiful.

36: Jane doesn’t have a self-effacing bone in his body.

37: He chews with his mouth open, and speaks with his mouth full. He’ll also snap at someone else to stop talking with their mouth full, it’s disrespectful.

38: Jane had a dream where he beat Communism and thought it was true for a whole year.

39: He’s not dumb on purpose. He has nothing to gain by making people think he’s an idiot, as far as he’s concerned. He acts like himself 24/7

40: Jane invented that song Fifty Nifty United States song that’s song in elementary schools.

41: You know those kiddie leashes? You could put one of those on Jane and he wouldn’t be, like, “Okay.” Try and run off and be like “What contraption is holding me here?!?!?!”

42: The answer to life, the universe, and everything is American Apple Pie

43: i just realized im gonna get to answer a headcanon 69 and got excited. UHH jane likes the color red.

44: Jane likes the color blue.

45: Jane likes the color white.

46: Jane loves all skin colors, anybody can be American.

47: Has he retained any American history? Haha. Ha. No.

48: Jane was taken out of elementary school for bad behavior, lack of attention, and general ruckus.

49: His orphanage never tried to send him back to any schooling. 

50: Jane was born July 4th, he doesn’t know that, despite claiming it.

51: He’s not an amnesiac - he’s never had a strong sense for long-term memories. 

52: God, he loves bread.

53: And also he loves taking everything Engineer says literally. He’s such a wise American.

54: Jane would absolute trollface and say “Problem?”

55: He would never say a slur.

56: Jane does not use fuck as a curse ever. He’ll say it, but like, to mean, y’know.

57: He’s a follower, don’t tell him that. He’ll get offended. 

58: Jane is convinced the President is the most powerful being in the world, and is also granted special powers.

59: Jane is progressive, baybee. He thinks dogs should vote!!

60: UNLESS IT HAS TO DO WITH WAR. Then he’s, like, a total bootlicker.

61: He’ll beat up racists in bars.

62: Jane really came alive during Grey Mann’s first robot attacks - for the second time he felt like he was protecting America and not some Very Important American Gravel. 

63: If Jane ever got sentenced to prison, he’d just serve his time.

64: He has Lawyer Powers given to him by magic, and he is not afraid to use them.

65: Besides Scout, he has represented himself, Lt. Bites, and the state of Tennessee in court.

66: He was a bad roommate, he genuinely thought Merasmus was an even worse roommate. 

67: Extreme Cold is a surefire way to trigger his PTSD. He doesn’t act all that different verbally, but he becomes entire still. Not even moving to shiver. It’s like he automatically transfers to late stage hypothermia.

68: Jane may have never played baseball, but he’s briefly been on a bowling team.

69: ayyyyy. Jane always returns the favor, if ya know what i mean.

70: I can’t tell you how much he can lift because I know nothing about fitness, but it’s a lot. And it’s impressive. 

71: Jane practices unsafe workout routines! It’s a miracle lifting without a spotter hasn’t killed him yet.

72: He makes up for his genuine stupidity with Pure Luck.

73: He’ll kill, he’ll maim, but he won’t assault. 

74: Jane’s favorite chocolate is Hershey’s.

75: He’s convinced Milton Hershey, founder of Hershey’s Chocolate, was a President despite him being alive in Jane’s lifetime.

76: Jane isn’t afraid of gay thoughts, never payed attention to period typical homophobia going on around him therefor never got a chance to develop it.

77: Jane would totally be the type of guy to see one of those Fireman Calendars and zone out staring at some dudes pecs and someone asks him if he’s okay and he’s like “I’m ogay.”

78: It’s a miracle, the first time Jane rocket jumped, his legs weren’t blown off. He was injured from the fall, surprised he’d gotten air at all. It was an accident and, while he’d never go to recreate it during his time in Poland, when he’d gotten hooked up to respawn and he saw all the high perches, the trick reoccured to him.

79: He loved Tavish so much

80: He was born in Tennessee, although he grew up in Wisconsin.

81: He’ll make odd little sounds - aborted sentences, thoughts lost to the depths of his brain. You can point them out and he’ll have no idea what you’re talking about.

82: He could have a possum mixed in with his raccoons and think it’s a raccoon.

83: He takes his Ranger Job very seriously. Just as serious as he does all his jobs. (So, you know. Not… very.) He is very enthusiastic at least!

84: He’s not empathetic at all, however energies at Large in a room really affect him. Chances are, if everyone’s in good favor, he’ll be really happy and relaxed - even if previously grumpy.

85: Jane can be really grumpy, that’s when his drill sergeant personality shines through - more often than not, he’s just a good natured loud patriot rolling with the punches of life.

86: He believes in the Judeo-Christian God, but also… believes the president is stronger than God? Sometimes? Depends on the situation. What is blasphemy haha?!?

87: Jane always wanted a puppy - meeting Bites, future Lieutenant, was like a dream come true to him.

88: Plus, he’d always liked raccoons - often responsible for tipping over dumpsters at his orphanage to help the little critters.

89: Jane can and will eat out of the garbage if not stopped.

90: He’s very passionate and strict about what he knows are fact (the issue is, facts can change pretty easily in jane’s head.

91: Good thing he has a helmet because Jane’s puppy-dog eyes are the sort that are clearly un-practiced and unintentional and thus made all the more soul-wrenching. 

92: He’s always surprised by doorbells.

93: Jane would never smoke weed of his own volition, but under the influence, everything would make So Much Sense to him.

94: I’m talking the wildest stoner sayings, that always are so structurally sound it’s scary.

95: This man loves cashews.

96: “Mm crunchy things.. good.” - Shared thought by Jane and Lt. Bites.

97: Lt. Bites likes to curl up on Jane’s stomach when he’s sleeping. Jane often wakes up with his face covered in scratches and fur in his mouth. Much like the Soldier, the Lieutenant isn’t quite a sound sleeper.

98: Fuck, like, he loves cashews so much? The texture is amazing.

99: Jane has no illegitimate or legitimate children.

100: Jane loves his team almost as much as he loves America.

101: IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR scroll back up and read everything, LOSER otherwise… wow………you love soldier. me too…… 

CONTINUED HERE

[richiefuckfacetozier]

reddie prompt: eddie gives richie the silent treatment for saying/doing something stupid and richie lowkey has real bad issues with attention since his deadbeat parents don’t give him any, so he freaks out after trying everything to get eddie to talk to him, and eddie still doesn’t. then eddie comforts him when he confesses his issues and yeah pls i need this fluff!!! 💗💗

Chapter 3: Pour Some Sugar On Me

Story: It’s Not My Fault

Note: Thank you @wilhelmina-fae this commission came out gorgeous!

Title - Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard

Located on Archive of Our Own

For other chapters - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13| 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |

Eddie was so mad at Richie. As in HIGHEST LEVEL on that stupid arcade game he plays all the time. 

Why was he mad? Because Richie fucking forgot it was Eddie’s birthday. 

Eddie was a stickler for his birthday traditions. Every year since he was little, Richie would come over first thing in the morning scream “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EDS” and usually throw something at him. The first year he did this, Eddie almost killed him, but the annual tradition was one of his favorites. 

Last year Richie got his hands on a blow horn, which promptly got him banned from Eddie’s house for a month. “I just wanted to blow your son, Mrs. K.” Richie had said innocently. Eddie remembered putting his hands in his face, red as a tomato. Somehow (And thank fuck for it), his mother did not get the joke and simply threw Richie out of the house. 

That was before they even started dating, or making out, or whatever they were doing. They really had not said whether they were TOGETHER together but knew they didn’t want to be with anyone else except each other. So basically exclusive without saying the words. 

Today, however, the last thing Eddie wanted to do was be around Richie. When Eddie woke up normal, without any disturbing wake-up calls, he thought he had gotten the date wrong. 

So he got dressed in a yellow polo, jeans and a sweater, grabbed his backpack and fanny pack then ran downstairs. His mother had cooked all his favorite breakfast foods and there was a cake that read “Happy 16th Birthday” on it. Now he was starting to get nervous. Did something happen to Richie? Maybe he was sick. Eddie fought the urge to pick up the phone and call his house. He sat down, eating ravenously at the eggs, bacon, biscuits, and cake until he thought his stomach would explode. His mother handed him a lunch box with extra cake inside. He kissed her on the cheek and went out the door to grab his bike. 

When he arrived at school, Bill was parking his bike at the rack taking out a container of coffee to drink. Bill had been drinking coffee since they were kids, so he usually had 2-3 cups day. He claims it calms his nerves. Bill saw Eddie approaching, “Happy Sweet 16, Eddie! Any chance you got a c-car so we can move on from bikes?” Bill had one of the sweetest smiles in their group. They always seemed rare that Eddie really appreciated receiving a genuine Bill Denbrough smile. 

Eddie grinned back, “Thanks, Big Bill and no such luck for us!” Bill handed him a present that was poorly wrapped with a card on top. The card had a hand drawn picture of all the losers as superheroes. Eddie in front as still the shortest in the gang, his hair neat and a big E on the chest of his suit. Bill gave them all masks and capes except for Richie’s drawing, which had him without glasses on. 

“If Richie truly didn’t have glasses as a superhero, he would surely get us all killed.” Eddie laughed and he wondered again if Richie was going to be in homeroom. 

“Yeah, but in this world, his g-guh-glasses hide his tr-true identity,” Bill looked at his handy work. 

“Sure, give the asshole of the group Superman’s thing. That won’t inflate his ego more.” Eddie said sarcastically. He stuffed the present in his backpack unceremoniously, then grabbed one of his folders and placed the card inside so it would not wrinkle as much. 

Ben arrived at the rack almost crashing into Eddie, then said a quick, “Hey guys!” Out of breath from riding super fast. He took a moment to calm himself, “So Eddie, I have a gift for you but some of the 12th graders started to chase me this morning and…” Ben pulled out a slightly squashed model of the Barrens. It had tons of detail from the rocks to the plants, to the miniature scale character pieces of the Losers Club.

Eddie was so touched. Ben had really come along way with his models, “This is amazing Ben! It doesn’t even matter that it’s squished.” Eddie turned it every which way to analyze the work. He did not have the patience to make something like this, let alone the organization that must go into perfecting every detail. Eddie was far too scatterbrained for that. 

“Why the barrens though?” Eddie asked. 

“Because that’s where we became friends.” Ben looked a little embarrassed. 

“T-technically, it was in an alleyway as Eddie p-p-patched you up before you died of aids.” They both looked at Bill, who just stared at them, daring them to prove him wrong. Then they all burst into laughter. Eddie’s sides were hurting from how much he was laughing. 

The 15-minute bell rang and the boys headed inside. Eddie attempted to carefully put the model in his backpack. “Did either of you see Richie when coming in today?” 

Ben shifted uncomfortably and Bill kept his eyes suspiciously away from Eddie’s face. 

“Nope, didn’t see him. I was being chased.” Ben said quickly, “Oh, I think I see those 12th graders, I’m going to hustle to class.” Ben proceeded to jog awkwardly down the hall. “I should g-g-go,” Bill said unconvincingly. “Bye.” 

Well, that seemed weird. 

Is Richie keeping something from me? Oh god…does he want to break up? Bill and Richie are so close, he probably told Bill before telling Eddie. This would become the worst birthday if his thoughts were right. 

“Eddie!” Mike came rushing down the hall, “I got you THE best gift.” Mike handed over an envelope with a sloppily written ‘Eddie is an old fart’ on the front. Before Eddie could open it, Mike burst out excitedly, “It’s a voucher to get 7 tickets to ANY movie you want at the Aladdin Theater!” 

“NO WAY,” Eddie grinned at his friend, then looked at the stupid writing on the envelope, “Mike, I thought I could count on you to be the serious friend. The only one who won’t tease me.” Eddie said dramatically. 

“I think Richie’s flair for the dramatics is rubbing off on you.” Mike chuckled. Eddie rolled his eyes skyward, “Oh fuck. Let’s not let that happen.” 

“I’ll be your personal ‘We can only handle one Richie in the group’ check-in. Also, you know full well that I tease you one day of the year. Specifically about your age, always on your birthday. Why do I do this to you?” He gestured for Eddie to speak. 

“Because I deserve the abuse at least once a year,” Eddie answered knowingly. 

“Exactly!” Mike cupped Eddie on the shoulder. 

Eddie’s knees buckled from the impact. Working at his family’s farm and sports was making Mike too strong. “Thank you for the incredible gift. This must have cost several weeks of allowance.” 

“Not at all! Been working overtime for my pops, so he gave me extra this past month and I had some help. You just have to take us all with you of course.” 

“Oh…this is awkward. I was going to take the other 6 friends I have that mean the world to me.” Eddie tried to hold a straight face but broke into a grin. Mike chuckled some more then looked at his watch. 

“Homeroom is soon, we better go.” The boys continued down the hall. Mike picked up the pace and with his much longer legs, rounding the corner toward their class faster. 

“And Mike, have you seen Rich -” But he was caught off just as he was about to turn the corner to catch up. He felt his arm being grabbed roughly. Eddie’s heart started pounding from the surprise. He was going to get beat up on his birthday, just great. He was pushed backward into the wall, his backpack cushioning the impact and definitely crushing Ben and Bill’s gifts more. His arm was pinned, and another hand grabbed his hip. He felt chapped lips hit his own and his eyes landed on the assailant. 

Eddie relaxed into the kiss with relief, closing his eyes. Richie smelled of his usual cigarettes and candy. The candy seemed to be something fruity, which Eddie could only tell was cherry after Richie coaxed his mouth open. As they deepened the kiss, the usual butterflies swarmed in Eddie’s stomach. 

It suddenly occurred to Eddie that Richie was just fine. Not sick or dying, completely normal. Eddie’s brain woke up before getting carried away and he bit Richie’s lip. “OW EDS,” Richie said drawing back, he ran his middle finger over his bottom lip, and stared at the smear of red on it for several seconds. “You bit me,” he said, sounding astonished. 

Eddie crossed his arms in front of him. He glared opening his mouth about to tell Richie off for worrying him and forgetting a certain person’s birthday when he thought better of it and shut his mouth. 

Richie kept looking at him confused, a flicker of a smirk coming on, “Are you mad about something?” 

Eddie’s eyebrows rose incredulously, waiting for Richie to catch on. The taller boy just kept his face neutral and unblinking, trying to start a staring contest. Eddie could hit that stupid face if he was a violent person. Instead, he readjusted his backpack, combed a hand through his hair and walked away. Not speaking to Richie would be more punishment then yelling at him. 

Richie would probably convince Eddie to forgive him immediately if he did speak and Eddie was not ready to be that kind. He preferred being petty sometimes. 

He almost made it to class before Richie caught up with him. “You know,” He said with a teasing tone, “Not talking to me is pretty childish. Being short and the youngest of our group doesn’t mean you have to behave like a kid.” 

Eddie ignored the bait and opened the door to their class just as the school bell rang. 

The rest of the day…WAS HILARIOUS. 

Richie, being the attention seeker he is, was constantly and incessantly trying to make Eddie talk to him. 

During homeroom, he tried flirting. 

“Hey Eddie, what’s that on your face?!” Richie exclaimed in a whisper. Eddie looked up from his book with a stony expression. “Oh my god! It’s just your beautiful eyes!” Richie batted his long, dark eyelashes. Eddie took his book and hid behind it. 

“Don’t hide your beauty from the world!” Then a student nearby shushed them and Richie fell silent. 

As they left homeroom for their next classes, Richie moved onto his classic: your mother jokes.

“Your mother’s had the clap so many times her doctor treats her for applause.” He said raising his hand up to Mike for a hive five but keeping his eyes on Eddie. Mike shook his head laughing a little and did not return the gesture. Eddie kept on walking to get to his next class. 

During lunch Eddie would converse with everyone except Richie, which proved hard since he sat so close to Eddie on the bench, he might as well be on his lap. In fact, one of his legs was slung over Eddie’s but he kept ignoring him.

“Stan and I baked you a cake!” Beverly said excitedly. 

“You didn't…” Eddie looked at Stan who beamed at him, handing over a carefully wrapped package with a bow tied perfectly on top. 

Richie laughed at the present, “I see Stan the man took advantage of wrapping the gift, but it’s a cake. He’s just going to tear it apart and eat it all.” 

“I made sure to poison it on the section you give Richie,” Stan mumbled glaring at Richie. 

“Oh he’s not getting any,” Eddie replied. 

“OH, MY GOD! You all heard it. He spoke to me.” Richie pointed at the group who just tried to avoid the tension. 

“I don’t think that counts because he said it to Stan.” Beverly ventured with a hesitant smile. They were all trying to be cheerful but it was hard when Eddie’s enthusiasm was forced. 

They all dug into the cake. Which was half chocolate and half vanilla. The icing was made from scratch, easily the tastiest thing Eddie had ever experienced. Richie watched everyone clearly hurt. He removed his leg from Eddie’s and shifted over so that they stopped touching. Eddie stiffened at this, almost venturing to speak to Richie but he could not do it. Richie STILL had not acknowledged his birthday. Eddie had no idea what the kid was playing at but it was not fun or funny. 

He rose from his seat and all eyes went to him, “I think I’ll head to class early. I’ll see you all after school and we can head to the park then grab dinner.” Eddie picked up his lunch box and pushed the rest of the cake toward Richie before leaving the group. 

He got to his locker, did the combination, and got smacked in the face with confetti and glitter raining down on him. 

“What the fuck?!” He sputtered and spit out the confetti. He removed the confetti from his hair looking at the explosion of birthday decorations in his locker. His eyes landed on a card. 

He picked up the card and the front read: To my favorite superhero, you deserve to have your face plastered on every cereal box in town. 

The writing was obviously Richie’s. He opened the card and taped to the inside was a gold cereal box ring. Eddie had lost the one he used to have years ago. He took it off the card, placing the ring on his right pinky. 

“Hey, Eddie. Let’s g-g-go.” Eddie turned around to see Bill. 

“Bill, what’s going on?” Eddie asked confused but with a huge smile on his face. 

“Oh, you know Richie. He couldn’t just throw you a simple p-p-party.” Bill grabbed Eddie by the elbow, closing the locker. 

“We have class!” Eddie protested slightly. 

Bill yanked harder on his arm, steering him away from the confetti-strewn ground. “Nope. Ben forged notes.” 

“He did?!” This was so out of character, Eddie could not believe his rule-abiding friend would do such a thing. 

“R-R-Richie promised to tutor him in math. He’s the only one with an A in the class.” Bill shrugged. Eddie let himself be taken down the hall and out of the school. They walked along for about 10 minutes before Eddie realized they were going to the Barrens. 

“We haven’t been down there in forever,” Eddie whispered nervously. 

“It’s ok, Eddie,” Bill squeezed his arm reassuringly. “We’ll keep each other safe like always.” 

When they got to the Barrens, Ben was there with a banner that read ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDS!’ “Ben, how dare you hold that monstrosity. Eds is not my name!” But Eddie was smiling from ear to ear without a real care. “He’s such a dick.” Shaking his head thinking about Richie painting this. 

Ben grinned, “Fits since his name IS Richie.” With Bill’s help, they folded up the banner. Then Ben took out a piece of paper. 

“Richie commissioned me to write this,” Ben said importantly. 

Eddie laughed at that, “What could he possibly pay you with?” 

“Mostly in candy and the promise of an A in math,” Ben cleared his throat, 

“I come with no wrapping or pretty pink bows. 

I am who I am from my head to my toes. 

I tend to get loud when speaking my mind. 

Even a little crazy most of the time. 

I’m certainly not perfect and don’t care to be. 

You can be you and I can be me. 

I try to stay strong when pain knocks me down. 

And the times that I cry is when no one’s around. 

To error is human or so that’s what they say. 

Well, tell me who’s perfect anyway.”

Eddie stayed silent at first. His eyes looked up and blinked quickly holding back unshed tears. He managed to say a soft, “Thanks, Ben.” 

“Your poetry is getting r-r-really good!” Bill said appreciatively. “Ok, next stop.”

“How long is this gift?” Eddie could not believe how much work had clearly gone into this. 

“Oh, just wait,” Ben said excitedly. Eddie followed them away from the Barrens. Ben handed Eddie the poem and he placed it in his backpack. 

They headed toward a park that was a usual hangout for all of them. Especially when Richie and Beverly want to smoke weed and talk about life. Eddie usually did not smoke unless he was really stressed out, those years thinking about how smoking is bad for your lungs when you have asthma does not go away. He may not actually have asthma, but he still carries around his inhaler out of habit. 

In the distance, he could see Stan and Beverly running around setting up some kind of picnic. There was a blanket with an assortment of food. Beverly turned on Richie’s portable radio, while Stan meticulously set and reset all the food. As they approached, Stan looked up in alarm, he heard him say, “Abort the balloons! We are out of time.” 

“What!” Shouted Mike from behind a tree, “I took the time to throw out the red ones and have been blowing up the rest as fast as I can! They are happening.” 

“Ok, so where is Richie hiding?” Eddie asked laughing at his friends. Eddie felt a tap on his shoulder. When he turned around, Richie was dressed in a white button-up shirt and black slacks. He had clearly tried to comb and calm his curls, but they had not stayed contained very well. 

“Hey Eddie,” Richie smirked at Eddie’s reaction, which he knew must be one of utter shock. 

“You look…amazing,” Eddie said quietly. “You could have at least TOLD me to dress up too! I look like crap.” He looked down at his green shorts and yellow polo shirt in dismay. 

“You always look great,” Richie shrugged. “Didn’t think it mattered. Anyway, not what’s important right now. Beverly if you would.” 

Beverly came over to Eddie and handed him a shirt. He unfolded it. It was a replica of the superhero shirt, Bill had drawn of him with the E on it. There were gold flecks outlining the letter. The shirt was red with a purple E, his favorite color combination. “You made this?!” 

“Put it on!” She urged. He quickly took his polo off throwing it at no one in particular, then put the superhero shirt on. 

“Guys, this is all amazing. Thank you so so much.” Eddie felt tears coming on and quickly wiped at his eyes. “God, I’m so fucking sappy today.” 

“Don’t become soft on us!” Stan told him. 

Richie clapped his hands together, “Ok! Let’s eat, it’s getting dark.” They all gathered around and ate, laughing and teasing Eddie about being old. Mike laid out balloons around the group with pride. 

“So did you all come up with this big charade?” Eddie finally asked. 

“Mostly Richie, he wanted you to feel like a superhero,” Ben responded. 

“Cause you’re my hero every day.” Richie grinned. At that, he took out a bottle of cheap wine he probably nicked from his parents’ and poured out cups for everyone. 

“Raise a glass to Eddie,” Richie gazed into Eddie’s eyes. They were bright as the sun to him and kinder than ever. “You’re my best friend and in front of all our other best friends I want to officially call you my boyfriend, unless you object, but be warned I’m a fragile being.” Eddie shoved Richie but did not object. “It’s been hard to say boyfriend mostly because, at home, things aren’t great. I don’t tell you all too much about it because I WANT to be the friend who keeps it light and happy. I think the only person with any idea is Bill who has walked in on unfortunate family drama in the past. But -“ Richie put down his drink and took both of Eddie’s hands to hold. “I want to be there for you when things get hard just as I know you will be there for me. Ben wrote his poem by me talking about how much I think I’m not good enough for you.” 

“Richie -“ Eddie squeezed the other boy’s hands. 

“I’m serious Eddie. I’m not. I’m selfish to take someone off the market who is as great as you. So I want to thank you for everything. Here’s to you and whatever happens next.” Eddie kissed Richie full on the mouth while the gang took a drink, whooping and hollering. Richie smiled pulling Eddie’s head in closer. They parted and took drinks from the cups of wine. 

The rest of the group started to pick up their various things giving Eddie hugs and asking him how the birthday turned out, “It was perfect, you losers are all perfect.” They eventually trickled away leaving Richie and Eddie to be by themselves. 

Eddie said his last goodbye and slowly walked over to Richie with a big grin on his face. Richie was lounging on the blanket with his legs stretched out, finishing off Bill’s barely drunk wine. He made a sour face, “I should have grabbed something better.” Eddie stood above him gazing down at Richie in a rare moment of sweetness, “Nah, then your parents would have noticed.” Eddie kicked Richie’s shoe, and the boy glanced up. He guessed what Eddie wanted and parted his legs. Eddie turned around and sat between Richie’s legs, leaning against his torso. Richie put down the drink and wrapped his arms around Eddie’s middle. He took Eddie’s hand with the ring and admired it for a moment, then kissed his cheek. 

“Sooooooo, do I get an apology?” Richie mocked. 

Eddie ran his hands over Richie’s arms softly, “And why, pray tell, would you deserve that?” 

“Because you wouldn’t talk to me ALL DAY. It was excruciating.” Richie whined. 

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Would you like some cheese with that whine, attention whore? You acted like you forgot my birthday. As you now know, I hate that shit.” 

“My good SIR! I am no whore! I am a proper lady,” Richie said in a terrible southern belle impression. 

“Beep Beep Richie.” Eddie said softly. 

Richie chuckled then said in his regular voice, “I was going to come surprise you, as usual, this morning, but I got held up…” Eddie waited patiently for Richie to go on. He just kept running circles along the arms that surrounded him, looking at his gold pinky ring. This seemed to help Richie relax. “My mom got really really drunk last night. When I tried to wake her this morning…she would not move. As in, I was worried she was…ya know. I finally got her out of bed and in the shower when I realized you were probably already at school. Then I just turned it into a game because it’s fun to mess with you.” 

Eddie scoffed as Richie put his chin on his shoulder. Eddie leaned his own head against the side of Richie’s face, “What about your dad?” 

Richie sighed heavily, “My Dad doesn’t give a shit about me or Mom. He may as well move out for all I care.” Eddie knew he was lying by the amount of sadness in his voice. 

Eddie brought Richie’s hands to his mouth to kiss them. “Why have you never told me any of this?” 

“Because it’s my problem, not yours.” He confessed. 

“Your problems are my problems. I want them to be. Or at least, want you to tell me so I don’t assume it’s something else.” Eddie turned his head so they were looking at each other. “Things go a mile a minute in my head.” 

“Tell me about it.” Richie laughed pushing back a stray hair from Eddie’s face, “I can only focus when you are around.” Eddie shook his head, “Lucky you. I’ve never been able to focus around you.” 

Eddie’s eyes were glued to Richie’s golden brown ones like he had cast some kind of spell on him. For once, he didn’t want to make a move. Eddie was content to just stare into his eyes if that was all he wanted to do. Eddie raised a hand so he could run it through Richie’s hair. “You know that line in the poem about ‘the times that you cry are when you’re alone’?” Eddie played with Richie’s curls as he nodded in understanding. “Well, I don’t want you to ever feel alone, but if you do, you can cry to me. God knows I’ve cried to you.” Richie took a shuddering breath and then he was kissing Eddie. 

Eddie readjusted so he was sideways on Richie’s lap. Richie drew him in closer; his mouth was open over Eddie’s, his tongue running gently along Eddie’s lips for permission. He opened his mouth under Richie’s, pressed up against him, arms wrapping around his neck. Richie tasted like salt, his face feeling wet, and Eddie realized Richie was actually crying. Eddie stopped the kiss, kept his arms around Richie and let his head fall in the crook of his neck, and let him cry. Richie’s arms tightened around Eddie’s waist. His sobs were silent but heartbreaking. 

They didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but Eddie could have stayed for a lifetime and not notice. 

At some point, Richie whispered, “Thanks, Birthday Boy.”

[buffyversefanfiction]

Buffy: Chaos Bleeds (Twisted Remix)

Warning: I do not own the rights to the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, its spin-off series Angel, its dark horse comics continuation series, or any of the characters created by Joss Whedon and others in the Buffyverse. 15 years +, Mild to Strong Violence, Sexual References. F/F, F/M, M/M, Other +

LEVEL FIVE HERE

Level Six - Sunnydale Hospital

The mystery of Sunnydale 2.0 showed no signs of slowing down and if Buffy, Spike, Willow, Giles, Faith, Xander, Dawn and/or Tristan wanted to solve it so they could return to the real world then one of them had to go with the living dummy Sid to Sunnydale Hospital as the next level of the shadow demon’s twisted game continued. After having an unexpected mother/son bonding experience with Buffy Summers, Tristan decided he needed a break from all the warm and fuzzy feelings that seemed to flow so freely around the scooby gang and therefore jumped at the chance of getting some time away from them, volunteering without hesitation to escort Sid to Sunnydale Hospital. “Remind me again why this is a one man one puppet mission?” Tristan asked Sid as they walked up to the front entrance of Sunnydale Hospital. “If this turns out to be some trap, I will use you as kindling.” “Calm down boy slayer, it’s just the way it needs to be…I figured you’d be the one to assist me on this one.” Sid replied to Tristan as they walked through the front doors of Sunnydale Hospital, walking towards the reception area of the hospital. “If it were not you, I would have had to work around it still being about you.” “See now that sounds even more like a trap than it did before,” Tristan admitted to the magical dummy as they began walking down the hospital corridors. “It does not help that hospitals and I do not tend to mix very well, especially of the abandoned variety…” “Yeah, I heard about the whole continuing your mother’s dying and coming back legacy.” Sid responded to the male slayer. “Got to say of all family traditions that has got to be the weirdest one I have heard about.” “You seem awfully well informed for some puppet who just wound up here like the rest of us.” Tristan confessed, admitting his suspicions to Sid. “Folk are busy pointing the finger at me, but I see you little guy.” “I’m a man not a puppet or a little guy!” Sid snapped. “And all the supporting players know their role here, do not know why we do but we do…I am just the first that any of you have had the chance to talk to.” “I’ll believe you purely because hanging with you in this crazy world is a lot less work than some of the other choices…mainly Xander and Spike.” Tristan admitted as they reached the elevator within the hospital corridors. “This weapon against the shadow demon better be worth all this…” “Oh, trust me this one is going to blow your mind.” Sid revealed, as he signaled for Tristan to push the elevator button. “Okay, so whereabouts in this hospital is the weapon?” Tristan wondered, as he pressed the elevator button and waited for the doors to open. “Please do not say…” “The morgue!” Sid told him, as he and the male slayer walked into the elevator after the doors opened. “It’s always the bloody morgue.” Tristan complained before pressing a button within the elevator and watching the elevator doors close.

As a supporting player in the shadow demon’s twisted game Sid knew the role he had to play just like many of the others and if he ever wanted to get out of this Sunnydale 2.0 hell dimension then he had no choice but to carry on, of course he wanted Buffy and her loved ones to win against the shadow demon but for Sid’s survival he did not need them to, he had to just play along. The main problem with that however was being in the know with an advantage to help them all but not being allowed to give anything away that was not within the game’s requirements, Sid wanted to survive at all costs but for old times sake he always wanted Buffy to get the hell out of there too. If Buffy, Spike, Dawn, Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith and Tristan were all to survive then they would have to handle some of the worst scenarios in order to do so and first up was Buffy Summer’s slayer son Tristan. “I bet you taste all nice being a slayer with a slayer mummy and everything.” A female vampire stated upon the opening of the elevator doors into the morgue corridor, as she grabbed Tristan from out of the elevator and threw him down onto the corridor floor, with Sid quickly getting out of the elevator to see two other male vampires in the corridors along with him, Tristan and the female vampire. Tristan quickly rose back to his feet only to be met by a punch across the face by the female vampire, while the two male vampires began walking towards a worried Sid who desperately charged at them both only to be kicked by the male vampire on the right sending the dummy flying across the corridor before hitting a wall violently and falling to the ground, accompanied by the sound of wood breaking. A worried Tristan quickly got back control as he jumped at the female vampire causing them both to fall to the ground before he pulled out a wooden stake from his jacket pocket and launched it into the vampire’s chest, causing her to explode into dust. Before he could get back onto his feet once more, the two male vampires charged at him, the one on the left grabbing Tristan by his hair and pulling him back up onto his feet before beginning to sink his teeth into the male slayer, luckily for Tristan a watching an injured Sid decided to use a broken piece of wood which served as his lower leg and threw it with force, the wooden launching into the back of the vampire about to snack on Tristan and piercing it’s way through to the vampire’s chest causing him to explode into dust. “Thanks!” Tristan said appreciate before punching the last remaining vampire, then jumping up mid-air to high kick the vamp in the face, causing the vampire to fall to the ground as Tristan quickly picked back up his stake, rushed over to the last vamp and launched the stake into his chest, causing the last vampire to turn to dust just like the others. “I guess chopping me up to make stakes is not a bad idea after all,” Sid joked, as he pulled himself up, struggling to stand on one leg. “I know you are probably too proud and everything, but I could carry you the rest of the way…” Tristan offered, already knowing the living dummy would reject his offer. “Absolutely not!” Sid snapped, clearly offended by the idea of him being carried by the male slayer. “Fine,” Tristan replied, while looking around the hospital corridors. “Actually, I have something of an idea for a temporary fix…” “I am suddenly more scared than I have ever been in my entire life!” Sid admitted with an exceptionally low level of sarcasm, only somewhat joking, genuinely a little scared of what Tristan had just thought up.

After a quick fix courtesy of medical supplies from the hospital they were in and Tristan’s quick thinking, Sid the dummy was once again walking on both legs, although one of those legs was holding together via literally anything sticky that the male slayer could get his hands on including Sellotape, glue stitches and the remains of ill-advised stapling attempts. “I am literally one wrong move from falling apart all over again.” Sid complained, as he and Tristan walked into the main room of the morgue where they kept all the bodies. “I feel like someone’s worn out toy!” “Well not to kick you while your down but you kind of look like someone’s worn out toy.” Tristan teased the puppet. “Very funny,” Sid replied as he began walking over to a nearby slab which had a sheet covering a body. “This feels like grave digging before the whole grave part.” Tristan said as he pulled off the sheet, only to be left horrified to find a version of himself laying dead on the slab. “What kind of sick game is this?” “It’s the shadow demon’s vessel, or rather it was the shadow demon’s vessel…” Sid began to explain, knowing how awful this must be for Tristan. “After every possession, the thing that possessed it’s victim always leaves something behind so to speak…I like to call it a mark or a sign that it’s been there…” “So, what my dead body is the ultimate weapon against this thing? Because I am so over dying!” Tristan snapped at Sid, while struggling to stop looking at his own corpse in front of him. “You do not need to die to get the weapon you simply have to find it within this version of you…” Sid admitted to him. “So, I have to dissect myself to get the weapon?” Tristan asked the living dummy. “That’s twisted even by my standards…” “You tortured slayers with poisoned darts, made them nothing more than blood bags for vamps, killed your own friend’s lover and attempted to blow up your own parents…I think this level of twisted is definitely on your level!” Sid told the male slayer, trying to reassure the slayer in his own way. “I do like the poetry of myself being the weapon,” Tristan admitted, as he picked up a nearby scalpel. “Where should I start?” “I’d advise the chest!” Sid suggested and without hesitation Tristan began cutting the open the chest of the dead version of himself which laid there lifeless on the cold morgue slab. After cutting open an alternative world’s version of himself, Tristan put the scalpel down and launched his hand into the chest of the dead Tristan, wriggling his hand around inside of the corpse much to Sid’s disgust before pulling out a luminous grand sword which let out an almost blinding white glow. “Now, this I like!” Tristan said with amazement as he admired the sword he was holding, known as the shadowsong blade. “This I really like!” Within a blink of the eye Buffy, Spike, Willow, Giles, Faith, Xander and Dawn appeared as if from out of nowhere, shocking Tristan in the process, but not shocking Sid who knew this was all a part of the game. “What’s with the sword?” Faith asked immediately, not phased by the sudden teleportation. “Looks like it comes with its own light bulb.” “I know…I think this is what true love feels like!” Tristan replied, while still lost gazing at the shadowsong blade. “This is where the contest truly begins!” Sid revealed to them all. “And what is that supposed to mean?” Dawn asked the living dummy. Suddenly a blue colored portal opened within the morgue room, shocking all by its presence and even managing to make Tristan take his eyes off the shadowsong blade. “My role has been completed, now it is time for you all to go through the portal…” Sid confessed to them. “For what it is worth I really hope you all make it to the end and defeat this thing once and for all…” Buffy, Xander, Willow, Giles, Faith, Spike, Dawn and Tristan all in unison began looking at the portal opened in front of them with a sense of dread, as they all knew they had no choice but to jump into the portal if they ever wanted to get out of Sunnydale 2.0 but all equally dreading the trials and tribulations they would have to go through before returning home.

LEVEL 6 = COMPLETED

SID = CHARACTER UNLOCKED

[a-wolf-among-men]

I'm gonna be that one person and say do all 41 of them :^) have fun...

42 character development questions | accepting

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa k it took a while and I kept repeating myself on some questions, but I did it. Thank.

PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE.1. How do they move and carry themselves? Pace, rhythm, gestures, energy?

Depends on how hes feeling. Obviously if he hasn’t eaten or slept in a few days hes going to be very sluggish and tired moving slowly throughout the prison. If he is actually taking care of himself for once that’s when hes most productive. Moving quickly around the prison making sure everything that needs to be tone is done on schedule.

2. How much physical space do they use, active and at rest?

He uses very minimal space for personal things. Every single piece of furniture he has are things that his uncle owned. He really only uses his desk, bathroom, bed, and kitchen. For work he uses quite a large amount of space due to the tasks he has to do every day besides paperwork.

3. How do they position themselves in a group? Do they like to be the center of attention, or do they hang back at the edges of a crowd?

Hes very introverted, so if he ever does get into groups hes just silent hanging around the edges until someone actually talks to him.

4. What is their size and build? How does it influence how they use their body, if it does?

Hes pretty thin, but hes pretty much all muscle at this point due to what he does *cough* torturing prisoners *cough*. He’d be a lot bigger if he actually took care of himself, but he over works himself to the point where he forgets to eat, sleep, etc.

5. How do they dress? What styles, colors, accessories, and other possessions do they favor? Why?

He pretty much just grabs something out of his closet and puts it on. So pretty much just trench coats and pants.

6. What are they like in motion–in different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these?

It doesn’t really change unless it’s something important. Hes pretty laid back honestly.

7. How do they physically engage with other people, inanimate objects, and their environment? What causes the differences between these?

Hes pretty cold and closed off to people really even people he works with every day. I don’t really know he interacts with inanimate objects and his environment I guess pretty normally.

8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell?

Hes most at ease by himself buried in his work. It’s something hes used to and it’s repetitive enough that it’s relaxing enough for him. Hes extremely uncomfortable around pushy people. People who don’t just accepted his vague answers and try to peel away his walls. He’ll get really snappy and irritated with people like that, but in all honesty hes just extremely uncomfortable. Hes not very comfortable with talking about himself, so being forced to stresses him out a lot.

9. How do they manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions?

He gets stressed over his work constantly it just comes with him over working himself along with going through episodes of depression, because he also tends to isolate himself for really no reason just a bad habit.

10. What energizes and drains them most?

Oddly enough his work both energizes him and drains him. He gets to do something he loves for an hour or so before having to go do repetitive things in other areas of the prison, fill in for guards who didn’t show up, etc.

11. How are they vocally expressive? What kind of voice, accent, tones, inflections, volume, phrases and slang, and manner of speaking do they use?

Hes very sarcastic. Very very sarcastic. He never speaks in a warm and friendly tones to even people he works with or hes hiring. His voice is always low even when he sounds irritated hes always quiet about it never raising his voice at anyone unless they do something that over steps his personal boundaries.

12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouths, and hands?

He has a tendency to talk with one or both of his hands. He’ll roll his eyes, but that’s about as much as you’re going to get as an indication of how hes feeling if you don’t know how he normally behaves beforehand.

DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT.13. How do they greet the world — what is their typical attitude towards life? How does it differ in different circumstances, or towards different subjects? Why do they take these attitudes, and why do they change? How do these tend to be expressed?

Hes very pessimistic as anyone living in Noxus would be. It doesn’t really differ it’s something that’s been ingrained into his personality at this point. It tends to be expressed with how cold he is towards everyone around him and people he meets no matter where they are from.

14. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings, or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed?

Anyone who ever gets close to him to where hes comfortable around them he genuinely cares about and would completely change himself just to make them stay. He has a huge fear of being abandoned by those who care about him or them dying.

15. What kind of inner life do they have — rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives?

Hes very cold and calculating. He tends to sit there and read people. Hes extremely good at picking up on body language something important in his line of work.

16. Do they dream? What are those dreams like?

He doesn’t really have dreams. He goes days without sleeping until he basically passes out from exhaustion. When he does have dreams they’re mostly stress induced nightmares.

17. Are they more shaped by nature or nurture — who they are, or what has happened to them? How have these shaped who they’ve become as a person?

A mix of both really. He was raised with certain ideals like loyalty to those that care about you and basic things like you can’t judge a book by it’s cover etc. Most of it was actually the environment he was raised in. He pretty much had free roam of the prison as a child, because of how busy his uncle was. He’d often listen to prisoners stories just out of ear shot until the terrible things some of them had done just became the usual to him.

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

I kinda explained this in the “good end” I kinda speculated on, but he’d probably grow into actually taking his mothers place in the political scene of Noxus and probably just be the same except hating people more than ever. That is of course assuming he wouldn’t die before his his 40s because of his self destructive habits. Then of course we all know spectral Thresh where hes basically this harvester of souls torturing people because he likes it and becoming pretty infamous among Valoran. I actually prefer the spectral version, because of how sadistic and violent he is.

CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS.19. How do they behave within a group? What role(s) do they take? Does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? Why?

Hes pretty quiet only ever speaking if he has something to add to the conversation or if someone speaks to him. He doesn’t really take a role, it tends to be the same if hes in a group of people he cares about except if notices somethings off about one of them he’ll ask them if they’re alright. Hes not a big people person.

20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships?

He hates people. Talking with upper class citizens of Noxus pretty frequently has made him despise people in general. Hes definitely more comfortable around people who have taken the time to slowly get to know him even if hes still really quiet around them, hes not very good at small talk.

21. What kind of relationships do they tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? What kind of social contact do they prefer, and why?

He doesn’t seek out any real relationships. He keeps everyone at a surface level. He could learn everything about someone they’ll only really know the basics about him. Hes not very open about things.

22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ?

People unsurprisingly get really offended when he doesn’t treat them with respect. Especially most upper class citizens that actually come to the prison get extremely offended. Some have even threatened him. Empty threats, but threats none the less.

23. How do they respond to difficult social moments? What makes them consider a social situation difficult?

Pretty much anyone who constantly pries at him for information regarding his personal life or anything not surface level about him. He gets even more sarcastic and rude in those situations often closing himself completely off. To really get to know him it really takes time you aren’t going to get anywhere by forcing him to open up really.

24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their “persona” from their “true self”, and what causes that difference?

Pretty much he seems a lot more cold and uncaring than he actually is. Around people he actually cares about he’ll go to great lengths to make sure they’re okay and happy even if hes quiet most of the time. In serious relationships hes extremely affectionate running his fingers though his s/o’s hair, kissing their forehead, cuddling, etc. Hes just a not so big teddy bear really.

25. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it?

Just to know that they care about him and aren’t just leading him on. He doesn’t actively seek out attention just asking if hes okay when hes feeling off is enough for him in most relationships.

26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

Hes pretty uncomfortable with opening himself up to people and how he handles knowing that there’s mutually feelings between them is he’ll slowly start getting more affectionate or just start getting really bashful around the person. It really just depends.

ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES.27. What do they strongly like and dislike, in any category? Why?

He really hates people pulling him away from his work, since he tends to work in  advance along with being dragged away for something that doesn’t require his immediate attention when hes “interrogating” a prisoner is especially irritating.

28. What are they likely to do if they have the opportunity, resources, and time to accomplish it? Why? 

He doesn’t really have any hobbies. If he ever does manage to stop over working himself  he does curl up in the corner of his bed and read whatever books he has lying around.

29. What kind of activities, interests, and hobbies do they have? What significance and impact do these have in their lives, both positive and negative?

Hes a sadist, so he enjoys torturing his prisoners if they even look at him wrong. Other than that he reads occasionally.

30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much?

He really doesn’t need all that much stimulation in his environment. As long as he has a book or something hes good. I think if he were to ever get over stimulated he’d just try to get out of that situation as soon as possible.

31. Is there anything that counts as a “dealbreaker” for them, positively or negatively? What makes things go smoothly, and what spoils an activity or ruins their day? Why?

Nah not really. Hes pretty easy going really. Pretty much if he stays on schedule and gets everything done then hes good and if somone pulls him away from torturing a prisoner for something stupid then that just kinda ruins the day for him.

32. Do they have any “props” that are a significant part of their life, identity, activities, or self-presentation somehow? What are they, how are they used, and why are they so significant? How would these props’ absence impact them, how would they compensate, and why?I don’t think his desk counts as a prop, so nothing really.THINKING AND LEARNING.33. How do they learn about the world–what is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things?

He learns better by doing things hands on when it comes to technical stuff and lectures for other things. 

34. How do they understand the world–what kind of worldview and thought processes do they have? Why?

He understands his place in the world and no matter how hard he tries that no ones really going to remember him after he dies, so he just doesn’t try.

35. How and why do they internalize knowledge? What effect has that had on them?

I really don’t know rip

36. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions? What is their opinion on this?

He isn’t very instinctive. He prefers to analyze situations rather than act on impulse.

37. Have they had any special education or training that colors their means of learning about or understanding the world? Conversely, do they lack some kind of education considered essential in their world? What kind of impact has this addition or lack had on them?

He was raised to be a warden, because that’s all his uncle really knew. So  hes pretty much learned everything else on his own.

38. Is there anything they wish they could change about their worldview or thought processes? What, and why?

No not really. He’d rather not care about everyone he meets or care about himself for that matter. Like stated above he knows he isn’t going to live long with his self destructive habits smoking, not eating, etc.

39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction?

What could I have done to prevent that day from happening? Was there something I could have done? those two mainly, but that’s mainly during his episodes of depression.

40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is?

Atypical people. Islers, vastaya, yordles, etc. It’s something hes never really seen before and he likes it.

FREE FOR ALL.41. What associations do they bring to mind? Words or phrases, images, metaphors or motifs? Why?

I’m assuming this is not about him and its just stuff that reminds me of him. 

Moulettes - Lady Vengeance really reminds me of spectral thresh and IAMX - Volatile times  reminds me of my main verse.

42. I have a question of my own! 

gonna skip this 1 unless you had one in mind!

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season thirteen, episode one: rachel is american royalty

It took me 20 minutes to come up with an intro line for this blog post, because the only thing I could come up with was:

Welcome to the 13th season of La Bachelorette, or as I’m calling it, The Bachelorette: She’s Just Like Us, But Black! or The Bachelorette: This Is The Bachelorette Liberals Want. I am Amanda Mitchell, President & Co-Founder of the Rachel Lindsay Fan Club1, here with you live to Google Doc to talk to you about what I can only tell you in my heart is going to be The Most Dramatic Season Yet of The Bachelorette. I mean, Chris Harrison said it, and I’ve been instructed to trust everything Chris Harrison has to say. Last time we saw each other I was emphatically refusing to recap the Vanderpump Rules reunions, and now we’re stuck together until at least the end of the summer, what with this + The Bachelor: Fuck Island following after.

Romance vs. Reality: Summer Camp Edition!

Rachel was blessed with what seemed to be the best pre-season press I think any lead on this series has ever gotten. Hell, my mom listened to her on NPR this week and my twitter has been bombarded with her face. Not that I’m even complaining. I’m mostly loving that ABC is basically like, “We have a black Bachelorette now: deal with it.” And now that interracial marriage is at an all-time high, PEOPLE ARE DOWN WITH THE SWIRL. I was born ready. I have read zero spoilers2, I have my coffee and my red lipstick and I’m ready to fall in love with Rachel falling in love. I’ve never been happier to pass my torch as #firstblackbachelorette on to anyone else. Let’s do it, kiddos.

The episode opens with Rachel doing her promo shoot for the season - red roses, red dress, red lipstick. Guess what? She’s humbled as hell. She’s not used to this. I mean, is anyone? The Bachelorette is literally the closest thing we have to getting on a bus to Hollywood and asking where you go to become famous in 2017. I can’t imagine a person who would be prepared for this moment in any way... nor do I really want to, let’s be real.

I always feel bad for the people who live in the Bachelor mansion irl. Do they have to leave their furniture, too? Or do they have to entirely move out twice a year for a few months? I know, I know, they’re generously compensated, blah blah blah, but like... after 15 years, you know they dread getting that email reminding them it’s time for filming again. Anyway, we see Chris Harrison, the Mufasa to my Scar, as he greets us and reminds us that Everyone Loves Rachel because... she’s a normal fucking person. She questioned the entire process and took her time. She wasn’t even calling Nick her fiance after four dates like... most of the girls on the show did. Rachel was too good for Nick, he knew it, and America did too.

And that’s why she’s Queen Bachelorette.

We get the Obligatory Life & Work Montage - Rachel’s from Dallas! She looks amazing in white! She can play basketball3 and describes herself as “sweet & sour”. Personally, I think world peace could happen if everyone could just meet over a bowl of sour patch kids (not original), so it’s nice to know that Rachel describes herself as such. She’s the best. God, guys, I’m not even 2 minutes in and I’m gagged for the gods. I love her so much. We see Rachel in court, and hear her talk about her dedication to her job being more important than falling in love.

And then we’re reminded of Nick Viall’s existence and how Rachel struggled with expressing her feelings to Nick. We relive that perfect moment where she was genuinely shocked to admit she was falling in love with Nick, only for it to be too late for her and she was sent home. Next is the After The Final Rose where she met her first four guys of the season in that perfect caped black jumpsuit that I would like to be buried in. Ugh, I forgot one guy said “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never going to go back.” WHAT PRODUCER ALLOWED THAT?

Rachel has a perfect fluffer of a dog and I can’t breathe. HAS ANY OTHER BACHELORETTE EVER BROUGHT THEIR DOG? She drives down Rodeo Drive, meets with fans in front of some tulips, and some lady tells her not to sleep with “all of them.” Rachel says “oh, none of them.” My response probably would be, “Oh no, only half of them.”

And this is why I’m not The First Black Bachelorette.

But the best part of this whole thing is that it… strangely doesn’t feel as artificial as seasons prior. Rachel’s weave is next-level, she’s bubbly and sweet and it just doesn’t feel so… blatant. Even the “dancing on the beach at sunset in a romper” shot feels genuine, and that’s hard to do4.

Chris Harrison, Julius to My Brutus, introduces us to some of Rachel’s men!!!!!!

We meet Kenny, who’s both a professional wrestler and father to a 10-year-old girl, named McKenzie. McKenzie is fucking gorgeous and I can’t handle it. Again: I have a thing for men who are good with their daughters. It’s not rooted in some deep emotional pain I have or anything. He makes a “wrestling ring/wedding ring” pun, and I love Kenny5.

We meet JACKSTONE6, who, like Rachel, is an attorney in Dallas. He lost his mom in high school, and he looks like the poor man’s Noah Mills.7

I screamed when I saw The Spirit of Detroit, one of my favorite pieces of artwork ever, and then got mad because it was connected Alex, who is 28. He claims he’s from Detroit.

BITCH

YOU

ARE

FROM

GROSSE

POINTE

For those not in the know (aka most of you), Grosse Pointe is literally right next to Detroit. As in, you can be standing next to a million-dollar mansion and walk half a block and literally be in poverty. This is not a joke or an understatement. Given that Grosse Pointe has literally and figuratively built barriers to divide itself from Detroit, I have zero patience for a meathead-cum-nerd from Grosse Pointe saying he’s from Detroit. You (and I, your honor), are from “Outside Detroit”. Jeffrey Eugenides wrote two books set in Grosse Pointe. ... I’m from the same town Mitt Romney’s from. There is a long history of politicians and residents distancing themselves from Detroit - L. Brooks Patterson, COME THROUGH, OAKLAND COUNTY AIN’T PERFECT, HAVE YOU BEEN TO PONTIAC - so, you know, shut up.

Alex’s mom says he has an IQ of 180. I hate him.

We meet Mohit, who launched a start-up and does Bollywood dancing. Why do I feel like this is going to come up in the future.

And then there’s Lucas. Lucas, who I refuse to believe in a real person.

Truthfully, if Lucas exists in this world, I’m not sure if I want to.

Lucas looks like an ugly O’Connell brother had sex with the third Hemsworth brother and I disagree with everything about him. His catchphrase is “Whaboom,” which is literal nonsense. I liked you so much better when you were played by Paul Scheer and you were pulling elaborate charitable pranks like building parks.

We then learn far, far too much about Blake E.’s testosterone levels and (allegedly) amazing penis.

Blake E.:

Diggy loves sneakers. He has almost 600 pairs of sneakers. Like, Diggy, you cute and all but ugh, sneakerheads are so extra.

Josiah is a prosecutor and is emotionally vulnerable as hell. His older brother committed suicide and Josiah was the one to cut his brother down after he hung himself at seven years old. This is something I’ve thought about a lot - not the process of dying, but being the person to discover it. That fucking terrifies me. He was arrested for burglary at 12, and a judge told him he wasn’t this violent, angry person - and Josiah realized at that moment what he wanted to be. He’s now a prosecuting attorney at the state attorney’s office where he got his second chance.

You’re crying, I’m not crying.

Rachel drives over to the mansion to meet with her former competition - I mean, her best friends from Nick’s season - and they all talk about how surreal it is to be back at the house. Jasmine G., Alexis, Raven, Kristina, Corinne, and two interchangeable dark-haired girls who must not have done anything because I literally have no idea who they are all sit around to drink champagne and give advice. They basically tell her not to pre-judge anyone, give everyone a chance, and really keep her mind and heart open.

There’s some T about DeMario’s intentions not being pure. And then we get some lady-love, it’s amazing. They all really care about her, and it’s touching. SEE, Y’ALL? This is why she’s The Bachelorette. Rachel doesn’t have any enemies. They literally cry because they love her so much.

I let out an involuntary “yaaaaaaaas” when I saw Rachel in her first night dress. It’s white and sparkly and it looks like someone took a chandelier, shattered it, and made a dress.

Amanda’s Official Ranking of Best Dressed Bachelorettes (2013 - 2017)

Kaitlyn

Rachel

Desiree

Joelle8

Andi

AND THE SEASON BEGINS.

Rachel is greeted by Chris Harrison, the Obi-Wan to my Anakin, and he prepares her for what’s to come. God, he has the dream job. I want it so much. He works for like 10 minutes a day, I can’t. He literally greets her and then leaves her to her own devices because the limos are pulling up.

Peter is first, with his navy blue plaid jacket and bowtie, and he’s nervous as hell. He hopes he’ll have better luck than Nick did because they’re both from Wisconsin. Josiah is second and oh my god if they continue on with these sartorial choices this season for these men I cannot handle it. Everyone looks so good. Josiah’s got a grey jacket with black lapels, a bowtie, and makes a legal joke. Every lawyer loves a legal joke.

Bryan is 100% cheekbones and speaks Spanish. Rachel understands 25% of what he says, and he says she’s in trouble with him. Bryan is my new boyfriend. Kenny’s got some dance moves. I love it.

At one point when they showed some of the guys in the same room chatting, I involuntarily shrieked. These are some good-looking men. I am in heat. I haven’t been this attracted to a group of men on television since Drake left Degrassi9.

There’s a montage of random guys who I guess we’re not supposed to care about. Diggy looks fly. Kyle brings her Jamaican buns and cheese, KYLE WINS. Blake K, who is a veteran, hot as hell, and his grandparents dated for a couple months before marrying and just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. Brady brings a block of ice to break.

Everything seems 100 until the guys who met her at After the Final Rose arrive. Dean, our “black/never go back” guy, asks her if it was okay that he said that. Dean looks like Sean Cameron from Degrassi. 13-year-old Amanda is swoooooning. He probably asked because some dumbass producer thought that would be a great idea. That producer was fired and promptly hired by Pepsi and is now producing commercials for them10. The 27 other guys who haven’t met her before are concerned the ATFR Four will have an advantage.

In addition to talking about his penis too much, Blake E. is an “aspiring drummer” (whatever that means) and comes in playing drums with a marching band. He wanted to be 100% less awkward this time. All the guys are envious, and it’s as if they’ve never seen this show before. These people always pull some nonsense.

Me exiting the Bachelor Limo:

Chris Harrison, the Louis Winthorpe to my Duke Brothers, arrives to talk to Rachel about The Men So Far, but mostly DeMario, because Whitney (WHO?) warned her about him.

Chris Harrison:

Rachel’s like, “I’m a smart girl and I take everything with a grain of salt so imma do me, I guess.”

Fred used to go to elementary school with Rachel! He was in third grade when she was in eighth, and Rachel is unamused by being reminded of what she looked like when she was thirteen. I burned every picture of me from 11 - 14 for a reason. I did not exist in those years. I went underground into a cave and emerged for freshman year of high school. Jonathan, who looks like the fake dead Andrew Garfield they’d use for a funeral scene in a movie, tickles Rachel without permission and I am shocked she doesn’t send him home immediately.

I HATE BEING TICKLED AND / OR TOUCHED WITHOUT PERMISSION, OH MY GOD. I would push Jonathan back in a limo. BYE.

Lee is this season’s WGWG11, and it’s as if people haven’t realized that’s not a path way to a record deal. Hell, it’s not even a path to becoming The Bachelor. It does, however, get you a one-way ticket to Paradise more than once. Good for you, Lee. Milton literally growls at her. Has anyone ever found growling cute? Didn’t Johnny Bravo growl? AND LOOK HOW SUCCESSFUL HE WAS WITH WOMEN.

Adam brings a doll my friend Hillary12 describes as an “Annabelle doll”, and I beg to differ. This is Lil’ Poundcake after she went through the wash and wearing her laundry day clothes. Matt is our Obligatory Costume Wearer. Again, I liked you so much more when you were secretly Jennifer Aniston.

My favorite part of this season so far is the dynamic we’ve never seen before - playful ribbing. When black men get together, there’s a ton of joking around and roasting each other. It’s not malicious, even though they’re competing. See what you get, ABC? See what you get when you have a diverse cast of men?!?! My literal favorite part of the episode is when Diggy (I believe) asks who in the group is the crazy one.

Enter Whaboom.

He’s literally wearing a tanktop with “Whaboom” on it. And demonstrates it for Rachel.

CAN SOMEONE HELP HER PLEASE

And then DeMario points out... we’ve found the crazy one.

I cackled. It was fucking funny.

Rachel gives a toast, and then The Battle Begins.

Josiah is first to take her aside, and all the guys are like, “What?!?” As if they’ve never seen this happen before. Rachel loves his story, of course, because who doesn’t? Rachel’s nervous, but she’s excited. Whoever gave her that white fur stole should get an Emmy Award.

They literally put a glass of champagne in the doll’s hand. I fast-forwarded through the nonsense of the doll but HOW DARE THEY MAKE THIS WOMAN ENGAGE WITH THIS DOLL. Like. Show her some damn respect and don’t make her talk to a creepy doll. Just because Alfre Woodard did it doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Rachel can’t get over the fact that she used to discipline Fred. Bryan takes her aside and expresses his seriousness, and he’s a chiropractic physician. Bryan can crush a back massage, y’all. She asks if he’s really going to be trouble, and then they make out. I have to take a cold shower, give me a minute.

Okay, I’m back.

Chris Harrison comes in with the First Impression Rose like:

We learn that Rachel preferred NSYNC to Backstreet Boys and this is the only answer I needed to know from this episode, recap over. I told y’all she was perfect. Mo gets wasted, of course. I much preferred Jamey when he spelled his name correctly and he was played by Will Arnett. He’s mostly mad because he didn’t get to talk to her in his $2000 suit.

Pretty much all the guys are cool except Whaboom, who never learned how to read a room. He keeps narrating the night’s events with his loudspeaker. However, he does juggle. Where did he get those balls from? Milton can’t stop purring. Gross. The rivalry between Whaboom and Blake “I Love My Penis” E. emerges because Blake thinks Whaboom13 wants to be on TV. I think they're both the worst!

Rachel comes in and grabs the First Impression Rose, and gives it to Bryan. They kiss again, and Mo yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOO. KEEP AWAAAAAAY.”

I cackled. Again. I’m so excited for this season.

Rachel gives a speech, and it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Like, it’s so simple for her. She knows what she’s doing, what she’s in for. Just handing out flowers, ain’t no thang.

Peter, Will, JACKSTONE, Jam(ie), Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan (WHYYYYYY), Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Not The Doll, Blake “My Penis is My Best Friend” E., and Syllabic Noise all get roses.

Good bye, Blake K., Grant, Jedediah, Kyle, Michael, Milton, Mohit, and Rob. I won’t miss your purring, Milton.

This Season on La Bachelorette: kisses! Fireworks! Adventures! Sweden! Denmark! Lee isn’t here to make friends, and he’s the villain this season, deliberately. I LOVE A DELIBERATE VILLAIN. Someone has a girlfriend who shows up with proof! FIGHTING! Rachel looks gorgeous while crying, I love her. Rachel’s storyline this season is totally Putting Love First.

I’m so excited to be doing this with y’all.

See you next week!

Random Assessments From The Desk of Amanda:

My front-runners: Peter, Bryan, Eric.

Did Chevy sponsor this season? That's one nice ass car Rachel was driving.

I feel like when my mom watches this she’s going to be searching for a husband for me.

This is one of the best premieres this show has ever had. I couldn’t stop laughing.

Who’s worse, though: Penis Head or Syllabic Noise? It's a competition for who's worse, god damn.

So Mo got an opening backstory but he got eliminated on Night One? There goes the “Top 4 Gets An Opener” Theory, I guess.

Why did she eliminate Hot Rob, tho?

OR HOT BLAKE?

I promise this will end better for Rachel than it did for Selena. ...Too soon? ↩︎

I went (mildly) spoiler-free for Joelle’s season and entirely for Nick’s, but I might cave in a few weeks. I only like to know who makes it to hometowns, it’s easier to guess that way. ↩︎

juuuust in case you forgot she was black or something ↩︎

Does anyone else feel like Rachel had her teeth gap slightly closed or is that just me? Is this because I’ve seen season 6 of Top Model too many times? ↩︎

Also, Kenny has a fucking wiki page, so he must actually work. ↩︎

This was a typo, but I love it so much I’m leaving it. ↩︎

You’re welcome, ladies. ↩︎

If only because of this dress. ↩︎

Downtown Sasquatch Forever. ↩︎

This isn’t true, but you know someone would believe me if I said so. ↩︎

White Guy With Guitar ↩︎

Listen to our podcast! ↩︎

I think his new name should be Syllabic Noise. ↩︎

[survival-songs-blog]

Do all the rest of the questions!!!! (. If u want!)

Mate!! There's A LOT:1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?Yellow - coldplayLinger - cranberriesWhere I stood - missy higgins I see fire - ed sheeranSailboats - Brooke FraserWild horses - the Sundays 2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Ooh, Maggie smith or maybe Ed Sheran or maybe my fave author3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17."The best view of the lake was from the mulberry room, but Alice decided to make do with the bathroom window."4: What do you think about most?Dying? Not in a bad way I just do think about it a lot, I always have. 5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?"I just love their ears so much!" (Talking about a particular breed of horse)6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Summer: without. Winter: long pjs 7: What’s your strangest talent?Making people feel uncomfortable?? Lmao idk8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls... Should never have to accept the violent and disrespectful behaviour of boys as the norm. And boys should be castrated if they rape☺️Sorry to get serious 9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Both actually. A girl in highschool wrote a poem about me and I didn't realise what it meant until later and then years later a boy wrote me a song and all I could think about was the girl who wrote me a poem..... 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?The other week, in the car, peak hour traffic. 11: Do you have any strange phobias?Not really. I hate having masks etc over my face, terrified of Mr. Bean, but that's as weird as it gets.12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?Hmmm not that I remember. 13: What’s your religion?Atheist I guess? 14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Riding the horses, gardening or walking the dogs through the paddocks.15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind it.16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?Hmm Santana or midnight oil..17: What was the last lie you told?"Umm yeah I'm not gonna check mine, I know I will have done badly." -telling this chick at uni that I wasn't gonna check the mark I got on an assessment cos she did really poorly and I didn't wanna be like yeah man I got a high distinction!18: Do you believe in karma?Absolutely! So many people in my life have gotten karmic bitchslaps lately and like. It's just so satisfying. 19: What does your URL mean?Survival songs is the name of a book of poetry. 20-41 already done 42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?Yep! 43: Do you have any nicknames?Tilly, Tilda, just variations of my middle name given to me by my little foster brother💕44: What was the last film you saw?I have no idea:/ it's been ages and ages45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Hard to pick. Broken tailbone? Broken ribs maybe?46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?Only gently!47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Dark chocolate w/ sea salt48: What’s your sexual orientation?Bi49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?Ohhh buddy have I ever.....50: Do you believe in magic?Mm like real magic? No. 51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Yeah. I really do. Like I don't obsess over it but once you break my trust you aren't ever getting it back. I do move on but I won't ever forget that you couldn't be trusted. 52: What is your astrological sign?Virgo53: Do you save money or spend it?Both. 54: What’s the last thing you purchased?New wool to knit two winter cardigans for my little goddaughter 55: Love or lust?Love. Rarer, so much more precious. 56: In a relationship?Love. 57: How many relationships have you had?I dunno? 5 or so? 58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?Ew. No. 59: Where were you yesterday?In the study, pretty much all day. 60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yeah a photo with pink in. 61: Are you wearing socks right now?Nooooo I'm in the bath lmao62: What’s your favourite animal?Wombats. But closely followed by every kind of baby animal. 63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?I don't have one. If you have to trick someone into liking you it's not gonna last very long lmao64: Where is your best friend?In my loungeroom playing witcher👌🏼65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.Oi I dunno. Can I come back to this?66: What is your heritage?No clue, really. I wanna do an ancestry DNA test this year. 67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Watching a biochem lecture online and knitting.68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Wtf69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?It's about here that you know this was written for 14 yr olds 🙄70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?I hope so. I do anything and everything I can for my friends. 71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Of course I save the dog. Fuck the job. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?Not afraid, no. I'd just spend a lot of time with the ones I love. I wouldn't tell anyone.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Trust. 74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Something in the water - Brooke fraser75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?057776: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Honesty and trust. 77: How can I win your heart?Mmmmm you probably can't. 78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Nope. 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?To cut toxic people out of my life👌🏼👌🏼80: What size shoes do you wear?7.81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?I don't want a tombstone I wanna be cremated82: What is your favourite word?Iike. I say it like, all the time (embarrassingly true)83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Cardiac84: What is a saying you say a lot?"Oh crikey" lmao so Australian but I do use it all the time85: What’s the last song you listened to?Galway girl ed sheeran86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Dark blue and bottle green 87: What is your current desktop picture?Me and a horse I used to love88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Ooh that would be very telling🙊 I know who it would be but I won't say publicly. For now let's just say Trump. 89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Again. Can't say publicly. Sorry90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?Put my audiobook on and go back to sleep. 91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Talking to animals!92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?Time with a friend who passed away in 2011. 93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?My trauma/s. I would do anything to not have PTSD. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?Ew, none. That's creepy af.95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Hmm Ireland, maybe Scotland. 96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Two actually!97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Nope! Don't get car sick!98: Ever been on a plane?Mate. Sometimes I feel like I've spent way too much time on planes (not to mention sitting in airports)99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?Be kind. Love freely and deeply because life is too short to play it cool. Be genuine. This isn't a game of pretend, this is our only time. Don't fuck it up.

[outlawqueenbey]

Finding Home 5/??

He hadn’t actually believed it when his mom told him who was back. Had stood stunned in the kitchen, heart dropping into his stomach at the mention of his long lost brother’s name, a name he never thought he’d get a chance to hear again, let alone see his face.

It’s been eighteen years, and there hasn’t been a day gone by where he doesn’t miss them both, terribly. Sure, life goes on, the sun still rises and sets everyday, uncaring as the to torment the hours in between leave behind, and their life continued, fractured in an irreparable way, damaged beyond fixing, but it did. He grew up knowing there should be two more plates at dinner, more stockings at christmas above the fireplace, more memories and milestones to be shared, but there wasn’t any of that. For years he’d watched his mother slowly turn inward, hide from the world, a fraction of the person she once was.

It’s better now, with Maleficent, not the same, but better. The dragon fills at least a part of the hole in his mother’s heart, and she smiles more now, laughs a little more frequently, will even venture occasionally to Granny’s if he begs her to. But this time of the year is always exceptionally hard, no matter the time that has passed, it doesn’t get easier, knowing what they both lost. He feels the void, even today.

And while there is a plethora of male companions he can go to for advice, it’s not quite the same, he’s constantly left wondering what Robin would have told him, what words of wisdom, experiences and fatherly information he would have bestowed. Like how to muster up the courage to ask Violet out on a first date, or decide which university program was best, sneaking his first beer, how to fasten a tie, the necessities of wooing his lady love good and proper, what to do when things seemed to crash around him, how to make his mother smile when the world seemed to dark and dismal...he needed help, all these years, especially with that last thought.

Even Roland, that relationship he missed, terribly so. A younger brother to teach the ropes and ways of growing up. Being a confidant, a mentor, a brother to the enth degree. They could have had nights of hushed whispers under blankets while reading another story when they were supposed to be sleeping, learning how to shoot a bow and arrow together, Henry being the protector when kids at school decided to be bullies to his younger sibling. He could have taught him how to ride a bike, and figure out where Regina hid their christmas presents, proved that no matter what, he would always be there for him.

Neither situation got to play out. Was brutally taken from him in a matter of minutes, and left a family torn apart without even a band-aid to help it heal.

But the mention of his name, has Henry’s heart doubling over, that small once dead flicker of hope reigniting in the pit of his stomach. And yet... she doesn’t seem happy, or maybe that’s not the word. Pained? In turmoil over it? Which is odd, because he is nearly bouncing on his feet at the thought of seeing Roland again, buzzing in excitement, a complete opposite to how Regina simply stares down into a cold cup of milky chamomile tea, eyes glazed over, head hung low, shoulders slouched.

He knows she blames herself for what happened, shouldn’t, but does. There was no way any of this was her fault. Regardless of what other’s might whisper, she has no part in the blame for what conspired in those three days. People can be cruel in their judgements. Talk too loudly over breakfast and what she could have done, or should have done.

But the difference is, they weren’t there, staring actual death in the face, frozen to the spot, a half second too late before Robin had moved in the way, saving her like he always had. He’d love to see what they would have done, pretending to be all cool headed and confident minded, pathetic inconsiderate idiots. Regardless of how many times the real, genuine people in her life have promised it wasn’t her fault, he still see’s the uncomfortable guilt that clouds her eyes.

“So, how is he?”

Regina sighs, brushing back a lock of hair as Mal smoothes a palm across her back, gently kissing the crown of her head. “He’s so angry with me.”

“Why? He shouldn’t be. You had nothing to do with what happened Mom!”

“Henry—”

“No, Mom. It’s totally unfair to—”

“It’s completely fair.”

“What?”

“I was there when Robin died. I put him in that situation. I could have gotten us out of there.”

“Mom, no. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I appreciate you saying that, but Roland still has a lot of anger, rightfully so.”

They go silent, Regina shifting her cold tea away, Mal taking it with a sad smile and turning it down the sink, watching as the milky liquid seeps down the drain. They’d been doing well. Really well. But now, now she can barely get Regina to sleep for more than an hour, had to beg her to eat even a single meal or take a minute to breathe and assess what is happening, the sudden splitting of old wounds, bared fresh and raw.

All three of them know, most of the town does in fact, is privy to just how hard Regina tried to get her family back, to bring Robin back, because dammit if Hook, the one handed idiot pirate could escape Hell why couldn’t Robin, good hearted, pure and true Robin come back from wherever he is?. It was a heavy, dark sentiment that hung over Storybrooke as they watched their mayor, their once fearsome, unbreakable Queen, beg to the highest heavens through tears, nearly dying in violent swirls of magic, as she promised parts of her soul and heart if they could just bring them back.

Eighteen years later, they still hadn't answered.

The dragon sighs heavily, wishing there was something more she could do, something they haven't tried, an untapped magical source that could break the rules of life, just so she could see her love smile that smile again. The one that is locked away, peaking through in shy moments but running quickly back to its cage in the recesses of Regina's heart.

“I could talk to him.”

Their eyes meet, shock versus certainty matching one another. Her heart skips a beat at the look of pure conviction in his hazel eyes, she swells, glows with pride at her little boy, not so little anymore, the fierce belief in her, and her happy ending, intangible or not. Her son has been one of the few to still hold the candle of hope for her, even if the wax drips to the floor and the barely there wick, so short now, nearly burns his fingers with dying flame, he holds it.  

“You don't have to, Henry.”

He smiles, shifts his chair across the tiled kitchen floor, reaching across dark hickory dining table, linking their hands together, “You forget, he wasn't just your son, he was also my brother.” Regina nods, swallowing the burning lump in her chest, blocking her ability to take a real true breath. She knows he’s right, and if she opens her mouth, the lump with burst and she will cry, again, so instead she simply nods, hoping he understands, and he does, she knows he does.

They bid each other goodbye at the door, a hug from the Dragon, one that has Regina’s heart swelling over their relationship, and another for her, tight and filled with promise as he kisses her cheek, vowing to see her later for dinner so long as she is still making lasagna. She chuckles, hugs him one more time because a mother is allowed seconds, she tells him she loves him, he reciprocates with a quick kiss on her cheek and the door closes, shutting out the cold air, leaving her home feeling colder still.

.

..

…

..

.

He sees him sitting on the bench, knees bouncing sporadically as the snow puffs about his boots. He looks the same, bigger, obviously, filled out like a grown man, and Henry pauses at the fact that this person, his brother, isn’t the same boy he lost so long ago. Time changes people, and not always for the better. It’s with hopeful hesitation Henry trails forward, tugging his scarf around his neck as the snow swirls from the sky, it’s going to be a white christmas this year, that there is no doubt.

“Is this spot taken?”

Roland freezes, turning slowly to see Henry grinning down at him, and his heart burns as he looks into hazel eyes. It’s not really anger that floods through him, but pain, bitter pain. Brothers are supposed to protect one another, be there when the boogey man threatens to come out of the closet, save each other from monsters under the bed, be tied together in a way no one else is. Regina told him Henry would want to see him, not that he really believed her anyway, but here he is, not really knowing what to say, though his body shifts over to the left slightly, leaving some room for Henry to squeeze beside.

It’s quiet for a few minutes, Henry arching back into the bench, tugging his scarf around his neck, both watching the snowflakes gracefully float through the sky, landing on the peaks of the playground’s tops, lining the slide, slick and wet, and coating the swingset on the far side.

“I remember skipping lunch to come here.” He sighs heavy, “Before the first curse broke. I’d sneak off and just sit on the swings till night fell.”

“Why?”

Henry shrugs, itching his nose, “Well, some stupid kid at school asked where my dad was, and I didn't know, and then they asked why I didn't look like my mom, er- like Regina. It messed with me.” Their breath puffs out in unison as Roland watches his brother-- his used to be brother-- whatever, he watches Henry’s eyes slip down, it doesn't pass his notice just how much older he looks, no longer a teenager, scrawny and yet to fill out, but a grown man, thicker jaw line, a slight five o'clock shadow, and it makes sense, if he does the math. Henry was 15 when papa died, he’s nearly 33 now, with a wife and job, a family, something Roland himself clearly doesn't have. A pulse of envy bubbles deep in his gut as he adjusts his own coat, irritated at the tattered state and small patches on it that suddenly appear glaringly obvious compared to Henry's tightly woven, impeccably fitted navy blue peacoat. Just another thing he was denied growing up alone in the Enchanted Forest.

“I asked Regina about my dad and she froze, I remember the look in her eyes, the absolute fear in them when I asked why I didn't look like her or have a father like all the other kids.”

“I take it that's when you found out you were adopted.”

“And all hell broke loose. Yeah.” He chuckles sadly, “I had just gotten the storybook from Mary Margaret and everything suddenly got confusing. I pulled away from Regina, was so angry at her all the time, I felt like she didn't love me, she couldn't, the Evil Queen couldn't love anyone. I thought I was going crazy, at 10, had all this nonsense in my mind that felt like it made sense, by it was impossible, fairytales didn't exist.”

“No they sure don't...at least not the kind you read at night before bed, everything ending in a happily ever after.”

Henry stills at the iron in Roland's tone, the stone etched pain echoing across his face, and his heart sinks. His brother, long lost and found again, honestly doesn't believe in happy endings anymore. Gone is the effervescent bubbly nature that flowed through a young boy, the one who dreamed of becoming an outlaw, saving fair maidens, and fighting off dragons. There is no more wanderlust for adventure in the dark moody brown eyes anymore.

“Do you ever regret it?”

“What?”

“Going to find Emma?”

Henry frowns, because in truth there had been times where maybe regret wasn't the right word, but guilt perhaps, for when Emma came into the picture, Regina was thrown out, for a long time, has been left with wounds that still bleed from time to time.

“Yes and no.” He swallows, trying to figure out how to best explain something he doesn't exactly understand completely himself yet, and may never. “I don't regret going to find Emma, but I regret how certain things played out because I brought her here to break the curse.”

“What do you mean?”

He shuffles, brushing off a layer of snow on his pants, puffing out a heavy breath, this wasn't exactly the conversation he’d planned for when he sought Roland out. “If I never found Emma, if I had just learned to accept that I was adopted, there is always a small part of me that wonders if I could have spared Regina a lot of pain, maybe she and I could have been honestly happy just with it being the two of us.”

“What about the storybook?”

“I was 10, I figure eventually I would have grown out of it and moved on.”

“But then you wouldn't have your family.”

“True, I wouldn’t have this family, but maybe I would have had another.”

They both go still, opting to stare out into the distance instead of looking into the sad entity of one another.

“Sometimes I wish you hadn't either.”

Henry arches an eyebrow in question, but waits, watches as Roland tugs on a hole in his glove, he'll have to grab him a new pair at some point soon. “If you hadn't gone to find Emma, I might still have my dad.”

It takes him a minute to connect the dots, how one decision he made when he was just 10, had so drastically influenced the life of another he’d yet to know, but it’s there, in a thin finite glimmering thread he follows, the connection is apparent. Had he not found Emma, there would have been no curse breaking, no Neverland, no need to destroy Pan, no missing year, no Regina meeting Robin Hood and by default Roland, thus no love found between them all. Had he just chosen to love Regina all those years ago and be okay give up on fairy tales, maybe Roland would still have his father. It’s a sour pit in his stomach. He had to find Emma. But suddenly, the results of his actions seem a bit too ugly now that they stare him right in the face, a sentiment his adoptive mothers once spat at his birth mother, taking action without thinking of the consequences, and those who get hurt and left behind in the wake.

“I don’t blame you.” Roland sighs, running his gloved hand over his face, scowling at their tattered state, thread tugged apart, gaping holes that let in the foul cold, “But sometimes I just wonder,” He swallows hard, frowning at the snowflakes that fall, “If the good times were really worth going through the bad.” Roland winces as he bites down on his lower lip, and Henry tenses at the expression. For a moment, he looked just like Robin, the same distant pained dancing across his face, one Henry had seen in the quiet moments, usually with Regina already fallen asleep on Robin’s chest, his step father silently staring out the window as his fingers carded through her hair, with that look, the one he has come to understand as fear. Fear for what has already been taken unfairly, and what could still be torn  apart, fear of not living up to a promise of never leaving again when the world can be so unkind. The memory burn hots in Henry’s gut, how the usual bright blue had clouded over, slinking into a dark stormy grey, the desperate need to protect the same person, though from who was still unknown. Robin promised to do better by her, Henry still stiffened in defence of a broken heart he knew wasn’t quite healed yet. They’d let it all go, one night in Camelot, had broken down the barrier, vowed that together, they would protect Regina.

“I had a family, we were a family, and then it was just gone.” The defeated whisper tugs Henry  back from the memory, shoulders slouch in unison, the need for a stiff whiskey incredibly apparent, as both men, no longer boys, try to swallow the taste of loss.

“And I can’t help but think, every time you were taken away, or separated from Regina, she tried to find you, didn’t stop holding onto you, even if it was just fractions of you, at least she tried.”

Roland’s heart hammers hard in his chest, the pang of jealously ricocheting around, as he shifts, disturbing the snow on the bench, biting back the green monster inside while sitting next to the child that was worth the fight to get back echoes about him, resonating deep in the crevasses inside. What was so special about Henry that he didn’t have, or wasn’t worth. Everyone knew Regina would walk through fire and hell to get Henry back, but Roland… well for a woman who claims to have missed him so much it tore her apart, as she had put it back at the diner, it still sank like a brick, one child was good enough and one simply wasn’t, words be damned, actions always speak louder.

They sit, side by side, quietly contemplating the next move. Henry can tell Roland is tense, ready to run, his knee has yet to cease bouncing up and down, and the hole in his glove has grown twice in size. He’s honestly not really sure how to navigate these waters. Sure, he’s dealt with painful loss, but this hits so close to home, iron branded burn in the meat of his heart, he feels disconcertingly caught between consoling a lost brother, and defending a grieving mother.

She didn’t mean for it to happen, for her entire world to come crumbling down within a matter of seconds. Seconds that have replayed over and over in her mind for hours on end, the torturous continuing stream of what if’s, and why didn’t you’s. It took the town quite sometime to come to that realization, that in the end, magic be damned, Regina is still just a person, and sometimes the unthinkable can happen even to the most resilient of people.

“You know Roland, she did try.” He shakes his head sadly, knowing the scars from magic that now lace her heart and soul, “For years. Harder than you probably even understand.” They fall back into a quiet silence, and though it may not be his story to truly tell, this fracture between his mother and brother isn’t going to be solved if either party are too afraid to ask the hard questions and hear the even worse answers. “I think that you should talk to her.”

“I did.”

“What did she tell you?”

Roland shuffles, making little footprinted snow angels in the ground, which makes Henry smile, because it’s there, hidden deep down, the wonderment of a young boy, trapped inside the hollow bitterness of a grown man.

“She said that my dad died trying to save her from Hades.” Henry nods, cause it’s true, and sits muted. “She said that she made a mistake in the underworld giving my sister to that woman, and when they got home, she’d given her to Hades, and then Regina and Dad went to go save her.” It doesn’t pass Henry the unmention of Zelena’s name, understandable given everything she took from him, the lies, the terror, the death. “Hades went to use the Olympian Crystal on Regina, and Dad jumped in the way.”

His heart burns at the thought, that without even thinking his Papa made a snap decision that would ruin Roland’s life effectively. The pit in his stomach scorches, eats away at the small dim nuggets of hope, swallows them whole. How dare he! How dare he just not think and leave him behind. It’s not fair. None of it is fair. Papa should have been thinking about what he was doing, stepping in front of that crystal. But he didn’t, and once again the actions lead to the worst, most heartbreaking consequences.

Henry can feel it too. The anger that radiates from the other man. The dark painted scowl that blows through dark brown eyes, devastating, overwhelming feeling of being lost, forgotten, unloved. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They were supposed to have birthdays, and Christmases together. Spend summers out by a lake camping, learning how to shoot bow and arrows, roast smores, go on trips, have lazy sunday’s in pajamas watching cartoons and stuffing themselves on pancakes.

“I know it’s not the same, and I never want to take anything from you,” Henry clears his throat, tugging his coat back around his shoulders as he stands, “but I hope you realize that I lost a dad too that day, a second dad, one that had actually been in my life for more than a few days.” Their eyes meet, and Henry passes a small sad smile, “We both lost parents that day, and not just a dad.”

It’s with that Henry turns, patting Roland on the shoulder as he stares off into the distance, frown lines hard set against the chill of winter, and Roland waits, listens to each and every step Henry takes away, till the rumble of a car engine sounds and the forest around him finally goes quiet once more. We both lost parents that day, and not just a dad…. For whatever reason, Henry’s parting burns hot in his stomach. He lost a mom and a dad, Henry lost a step-dad, how was that even the same? It’s not, he has no right to compare them. Where he was allowed to stay, live in the mansion, with Regina, with a mother, and feel loved, and wanted, the same certainly didn’t go for Roland. The Merry Men did their best, sure, but it’s not the same as a mother, as the constant affection he’d come to know under Regina’s love.

She chose Henry, not him.

And yet...the way Henry said it, not just a dad… it’s just off, the tone in his voice a distant and fractured, pained distress coating each decibel, maybe something happened with Regina, after losing Papa? Perhaps his resentment was clouding his judgement, voiding another layer, a more important layer of her’s, he’d been blind too. He know’s they were soulmates, has heard the tale from many parties, Regina and Papa included, and maybe that’s it, the piece he can’t seem to grasp just yet, maybe losing a soulmate damages the survivor irreparably, maybe she couldn’t come find him.

“My guess is that she didn’t tell you about the state of her heart now.”

Roland frowns, turning to Henry who stares out into the distance sadly. She hadn’t. He had gotten up and left before she could. It was too much, hearing how Papa died. He didn’t want to know anymore. He’d stormed out of the diner, leaving her with watery red tear stained eyes and a cold coffee.

“You should ask her.”

“Why?”

“I think you’d understand better. And I think, if you really know the truth of just how hard she tried, what she has given up, the prices she has paid trying to get you both back, I honestly believe it will bring you both some needed healing.”

Henry stands, patting Roland on the shoulder, wishing to the highest of heavens that it could bring him some sense of security, though he knows until his brother knows the whole sad truth, that desperate feeling of safety will never wrap its arms around him again.

“You should come to dinner tonight.”

.

..

…

..

.

The mansion is quiet, as usual, the light acoustic melody playing in the background, bouncing off the walls that don’t hear much happiness normally. Mal is in the kitchen, flicking her gaze between the pasta sauce, bubbling merrily away on the stove, and Regina who stares miserably down at the second mug of tea, now gone frigidly cold. She barely saw her love when the front door closed early in the afternoon.

They’d talked about Roland all night, Mal finally convincing Regina to go back and find him, she wouldn’t heal the bleeding wounds without doing so. But now, it seems as though those lesions have only cratered further, tugging the brunette down a dark spiralling hole. Even Henry, who had come home earlier hasn’t really been able to rouse her out of the despairing state she is in.

“You need any help Mal?”

“I’m good, thanks Henry. Why don’t you get your mom a glass of wine, and set the table.” She wipes her hands on the purple apron, one she had absolutely refused to wear a few years back. Funny how things can change. “I’m almost done here anyway.”

He nods, grabs the bottle from the liquor rack and four glasses, the addition has Mal’s eyebrow cocking at the young man, who simply shrugs, sheepishly smiles as he looks towards his mom twirling her spoon in the cold tea, “I’m hoping.”

“Me too.”

It’s nice. Dinner. Mal and Henry do everything they can to get Regina to talk. Pulling her into the conversation about where Henry and Violet are planning for a summer trip. He is thinking Amsterdam, his wife would prefer the south of Italy. He will go wherever she wants really, is happy to just spend time with his girl exploring.

“I’ve always wanted to see Romania.” Mal quips through a gulp of wine, “They have some pretty impressive history.”

“Dragons and Vampires?” Henry jabs back, chucking as Mal rolls her blue eyes, shrugging it off with a wave of her hand. “What about you Regina?”

“What?”

She reaches across the table, lacing her fingers into Regina’s who frowns at the both of them, her mind clearly somewhere else, with someone else, and it makes Mal’s heart ache. “If you could go on vacation anywhere, where would you choose?”

“Oh. Uh. I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.”

They grow quiet, Henry forking another mouthful of roasted pepper linguini, and he has to hand it to the dragon, her cooking skills, while usually on the spicier side, is actually quite impressive. Regina doesn’t really cook that much anymore. Does when no one is home, he is quite frequently granted with her leftovers, but he’s rarely gotten the opportunity to watch her in the kitchen. It’s another sore spot. She was teaching Robin to cook, before he died. They’d spend hours there, covered in sauces and doughs, his bewildered uncertainty at most of the appliances had Regina laughing that sweet pure sound Henry so solemnly gets to hear anymore. The toaster was a complete no for Robin, who’d claim it was unnatural, though they all knew the contraption had scared the piss out of him one morning, he’d never touched the thing since.

“What about Australia?”

“Oh, the warm weather and beaches. Good one. Or maybe Egypt.”

“Rome?”

“Costa Rica?”

The two of them go back and forth for a few minutes, debating where the best spots would be, where had the most culture, the greatest food, most spectacular landscapes, both deciding that a beach was a necessity, given the frigid cold winters Maine always is thrust into, the thought of hot sun and warm sand a definite must.

“Jasper.”

The word is so low, they both nearly miss it, but Regina sighs, runs her hand through her hair, lets her fork clink down onto her plate as she reaches for her wine, letting the dark red liquid swirl a few times before she takes a grateful sip.

“Like Jasper, Canada?” Henry questions, not really knowing why she’d pick there of all places.

She nods, licks her lips and lets her eyes roam to a photo he knows it right behind him. A picture Mary Margaret had captured one day, his mom and Robin wrapped up in each other's arms, her forehead resting on his chest, a quiet moment of peace frozen in time, surrounded by the forest in Camelot, thick full tree’s covering the skies, if looked at closely, her smile is visible, happily buried underneath a curtain of hair, Robin’s own breathed into her head. It’s one of the only pictures they have together.

“He had mentioned one time that the landscape here was abysmal compared to the Enchanted Forest, and he missed it.” She swallows thick, sniffing the onslaught of tears that burn the backs of her eyes. “I bought him a book, uh, The Top 10 Forests in the World. He probably read it a good ten times before deciding he wanted to see Jasper National Park.” Her smile is feeble, melted away by the tremble in her lower lip, the pain palpable in the dining room.

“Maybe we could still go?” Henry shifts, reaching across the oak table to grab her hand, holding her slender palm tight in his own. How small is mother truly is, hasn’t ever really escaped him. This quote on quote All powerful, mightier than thou, wielder of dark and light magic, is really nothing but his compact mom. Can gain some serious respect in a well tailored suit and high manicured arched eyebrow, but he can fold her into his arms like a child, The Great and Mighty Queen.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” She replies completely non-committal, knowing it won’t actually ever happen, because she couldn’t go without him. It wouldn’t be impossible to walk through the evergreen without his hand locked into hers. Can’t fathom the thought of sitting around a campfire at night, counting constellations without his warm timber voice nestled into her ear. It just wouldn’t be right without him.

The talk a little while longer, mulling over what to do for the weekend, Christmas is coming, the town is preparing its annual holiday fair, one Regina makes a single Mayoral attendance to, and then retreats back to the house where decorations are sparse. A knock at the door, breaks their conversation, and the recoil in Regina’s shoulders is visible, her hands tightening around the near empty wine glass. Henry stands, waving her movement to answer it, and jogs lightly to the door.

It leaves Mal and Regina at the table alone for a moment, a sweet kiss pressed into the brunette’s temple, “We can always go to Jasper if you want, you know that right?”.

“I know. I just…”

“I know. Whenever you’re ready.”  Maleficent kisses her love one more time, and settles back into the wooden chair, and her heart skips a beat when Henry walks back into the dining room, grinning from ear to ear, and it seems his hope has won out.

“Is there an extra plate?”

Regina spins, jaw dropping, soul jolting as both, not just one, but both her boys stand around the table. She finds his eyes, timid and scared, and yet they hold strong, and something long forgotten flickers in the bottom of her heart when his dimples flash quickly through a hesitant smile. Mal nods, conjures up a quick plate, and Roland saddles beside Regina, not once looking at the meal in front of him, just only at her.

“Smells good.”

“Mal is quite the chef these days.” Henry chuckles, sending a wink towards the Dragon.

“You don’t happen to have some more wine do you?”

It takes Regina a second, as her hands shake grabbing the second bottle, hovering it above his empty glass, and there is a hundreds things she wants to say to him, a thousand more she needs to tell him, and yet, the only thing that escapes her has the entire table bubbling over in laughter as she questions out “Are you old enough to drink?” The mother in her flourishing for a half beat before she realizes what she just did, flushes with embarrassment, and hands Roland the bottle, who pours himself a glass.

And she can’t stop staring at him, at her family who sitting at her table, the pulsating in her heart erratic, ricocheting about her chest as she listens to Henry ask Roland where he’d go on vacation if he could pick. His answer “I dunno, but here seems like a good start.” flooding Regina’s eyes with fresh tears she desperately tries to blink away, but his hand grabs hers, under the table, laces them together and squeezes tight. She holds onto him for dear life, fearing if they part she will float away, and she lets her gaze drift back to the last vacant seat at the oakwood dining table, one that sits deserted beside her, and it hurts, brutally so, but her hand is still locked into Roland’s, and that puts the first bandaid on her broken heart.

[viy000000]

Humans Beings Deserve Rights: An Open Letter to US Citizens

The September 11 attacks have changed the United States entry policies to the country; from that the Department of Homeland Security emerged along with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency. The DHS serves to protect our rights as beings and ensure our safety. An organization established to defeat terrorism, has evolved into a terroristic threat itself. ICE’s own Enforcement and Removal Operations functions as a state sponsored terrorist organization. The CIA defines terrorism as “politically motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant targets by subnational groups or clandestine agents.”Dear Citizens of the United States,

        Yazmin Juarez and her daughter Mariee arrived in Texas after traveling through Mexico from Guatemala, fleeing the violence and rampant unemployment. On March 1st, they were detained according to the zero-tolerance policy implemented this year. Within a few days they were sent to a family detention center in Dilley, Texas. Not even a week later, Mariee started showing signs of sickness that only declined with the passing days. Reports from her mother suggest the level of inadequate attention and care available at the detention center. Yazmin passed her credible fear interview and is soon released with a terribly ill Mariee. After spending several weeks in the hospital post-release, Mariee’s condition takes a turn for the worse and she ultimately dies.

      News eventually is spread to the media, to which @ICEgov, the official Twitter for the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, denied all allegations of a child dying in their custody. Mariee, a genuine baby having not even reached the age of 2, spent a total of 70 days in the US before her avoidable death. She did not die in ICE custody, but her death is a direct result of the insufficient care available in detention centers. Yazmin Juarez is an innocent mother who wanted a better life for herself and her child. 

My name is Violeta and I come from an immigrant family, in fact I am the only person in my immediate family to have been born in the US. I live in Chula Vista, CA, a 10-15 minute drive from the busiest border crossing in the world. From certain areas of the city, you can see Mexico perfectly in the distance. I understand that I will never truly experience or understand life as an undocumented immigrant, but I do support them. They are human beings deserving of human rights. As a member of an immigrant community, I am deeply concerned for the lack of rights and proper treatment given to my immigrant neighbors, friends, and family. I refuse to let these incessant violations of basic human rights are not going unnoticed.

The September 11 attacks have changed the United States entry policies to the country; from that the Department of Homeland Security emerged along with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency. The DHS serves to protect our rights as beings and ensure our safety. An organization established to defeat terrorism, has evolved into a terroristic threat itself. ICE’s own Enforcement and Removal Operations functions as a state sponsored terrorist organization. The CIA defines terrorism as “politically motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant targets by subnational groups or clandestine agents.”

ICE has been known to carry out random targeted and violent raids that tend to indefinitely separate families. With the current administration, gradual immigration reform has sought to increase the number of deportations while simultaneously limiting the amount of people legally admitted into the country.

Such examples would be the travel ban, the attempt to end Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, more commonly known as DACA, and Temporary Protected Status or TPS. These targeted attacks have started with recipients of these protections, but also to recently naturalized citizens. Equally, a noticeable lack of judges and agents demonstrates the inability to grant reasonable due process as a way of avoiding providing human rights protections. Actions such as these are underlined by the deep rooted xenophobia and nationalism in our country.  

Mariee was one of the over 2000 children under the age of 5 being detained by ICE, having been separated by their parents. Hundreds of others have yet to be reunited as well. According to the Zero Tolerance Policy, any undocumented person passing through the border is arrested and detained, leading to this cumulation of isolation between family members. After arrest, these detainees are placed in crowded unhygienic centers around the country for varying lengths of time, with limited access to basic needs. The Office of Detention Policy and Planning was the authoritative office regulating and managing the standards of these centers and the differential proceedings for detainees. In April of 2017, President Trump escalated the situations we are seeing today by closing the office, leaving each detainee in the US in an uncontrolled environment.

America is no stranger to implementing xenophobic stratagem. In 1882, the Chinese Exclusion Act was passed, restricting the immigration of Chinese laborers to the country. Chinese immigrants sought new opportunities in the US but were only welcomed as a threat.

Furthermore, he forced placement of immigrants into government holdings is a historically familiar practice. During World War II, Japanese-Americans were forced into concentration camps out of public fear for security. Over half of all interned people were legal US citizens. From day to night, they were forced to leave any of their belongings and were relocated against their will. Overcrowding and deteriorating conditions led to sickness being spread easily, a mirror of what we can see in detention centers in the present. Trauma from this event lives on, in survivors forever, continuing from generation to generation.

A final example of US state sponsored terrorism is of course the constant US intervention in Latin American governance. US backed coup d’états have successfully overthrown democratically elected officials in 5 out of 7 countries in Central America as well as 6 other prominent countries in South America. It follows our historical trend of imposing our belief system on other peoples seen as potential threats. We then go as far arming training and militarizing groups to eliminate the threat completely and replace them with someone who is more likely to share our beliefs. Carrying out armed and violent raids follows this model as a sort of coup d’immigrants, forcibly separating them from society. Any posing threat to society is cast out even minor “criminal” ones.

Our very own Declaration of Independence states that every man is created equal under God and has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If the government fails to uphold these unalienable rights, it is the obligation of the people “to alter or to abolish it.” Cultures differentiate us as people, but we must recognize that that does not change the fact that we are all human beings that have these rights as protections. If an institution such as ICE cannot fully secure the rights of any people, then it should be abolished.  As a founding member of the United Nations, it is our duty to uphold the belief system, including all people existing within the 195 countries of the world.  The current stratagems utilized by ICE are a direct violation of multiple articles of the UN Declaration of Human Rights including:

Article 4 - Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person

Article 6 - Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the lawArticle 13 - (1) Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.(2) Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.

Article 14 - (1) Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.(2) This right may not be invoked in the case of prosecutions genuinely arising from non-political crimes or from acts contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.

Article 25 - (1) Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.

It’s important to recognize that not all Latinx/Indigenous immigrants are Mexican, many of them come from rural parts of Central America and are labeled as one group of “Mexicans.” Immigrants aren’t coming solely from Latin America; the US gets immigrants from all over the world. Views differ from person to person and many do have the misconception that all immigrants are criminals which automatically places them in a lower status, a form of subconscious dehumanization. America the land of the free, home of the brave, where due process is guaranteed to any free man, including citizens and non-citizens, under the rights of the Constitution.

As citizens, we all have the power to help. Organizations such as United We Dream and Undocumedia are two resources that aid undocumented immigrants in particular. Again, as natural born citizens, we will never understand the case of undocumented immigrants. We must create this a common understanding and viewing of others as equals in order to move forward in society.

Arm yourself with proper knowledge of your rights and extend it to those in times of need.

A video of a Swedish girl surfaced in earlier this year, documenting her delayal of a flight and refusal to take as seat as an Afghan man was to be placed on the flight to be deported back to his country. Elin Errson used her rights, privilege, and above all her voice to ensure this man’s safety.

Volunteer with organizations  

Mariposas Sin Fronteras is a “Tucson, AZ based group that seeks to end the systemic violence and abuse of LGBTQ people held in prison and immigration detention.”  Border Angels is “an all volunteer, non profit organization that advocates for human rights, humane immigration reform, and social justice with a special focus on issues related to issues related to the US-Mexican border.” There are countless groups available that provide humanitarian aid to (undocumented) immigrants in need. Reach out and presently provide aid to those most in need.

Call your local and state representatives

Where undocumented voices have been muted, we must use our privilege and become the loud speaker to protect their right to existence. Speaking with a representative is the most direct way to do so. Voice your concerns and be heard. Representatives can be found here. Here are some tips to help any that might not know exactly what to say or how to word their concerns.

Protect sanctuary cities

Sanctuary cities are at great risk as well. If your city is not a sanctuary city, then include that in you call to your representatives. Make sure that legal representation has a presence in order to limit the overextending powers of ICE.

We must let these people know that there is support even in the darkest of times. Humans aren’t born as hating, prejudiced beings, we are taught these concepts that have been passed down through history. Unlearning hate and misconceptions is a process everyone must undergo. Once you gain self-realization, it is time to speak out, and what better time to speak out than now. There will be people who get angry, there will always be people who disagree with you, but the key is to stand up for what’s right, it may save a life. American-Jewish Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel once said, “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”

[studentofrhetoric-blog]

Part 2, Tuesday, April 18th, 2017

International News:

--- "Australia will abolish a temporary work visa popular with foreigners and replace it with a new programme requiring better English-language and job skills, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said on Tuesday. Turnbull, struggling with poor voter approval ratings, rejected suggestions the visa policy change was in response to far-right wing political parties, such as One Nation, demanding more nationalistic policies. But in a Facebook announcement Turnbull said: "Our reforms will have a simple focus: Australian jobs and Australian values."...Turnbull said the visa change would attract better skilled workers and see Australians employed over cheap foreign workers brought in under the old 457 visa programme...The 457 visa was introduced in the 1990s to expedite the entry of business professionals and highly skilled migrants but over time it was opened up to include a broad suite of workers. The programme has become mired in controversy with allegations the visa was being misused by employers to import workers on the cheap, not to fill genuine skill shortages...The 457 visa, now used by about 95,000 foreign workers, will be replaced by a new temporary visa and the list of occupations that qualify for a visa will be reduced from more than 200."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-australia-immigration-idUSKBN17K0DC?il=0

--- "New Zealand said on Wednesday it will tighten access to its skilled work visas, just a day after the United States and neighboring Australia announced similar restrictions on immigration. New Zealand's immigration minister said he was taking a "Kiwis-first approach to immigration", echoing Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and U.S. President Donald Trump in announcing policies to ensure jobs for Australians and Americans. Migration has become a hot topic in the lead up to New Zealand's Sept. 23 general election. "These changes are designed to strike the right balance ... and encourage employers to take on more Kiwis and invest in the training to upskill them," immigration minister Michael Woodhouse said in a statement, using the colloquial term for New Zealand citizens. The changes to be introduced later this year include introducing a minimum income requirement, making it more difficult for family members to join visa holders and limiting the amount of time seasonal workers are allowed to stay in New Zealand. A boom in new arrivals has helped the New Zealand economy race along with some of the strongest gross domestic product growth in the developed world. But opposition parties and the central bank have called for a review of current policies, citing low wages growth and soaring house prices spurred by the influx."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-newzealand-immigration-idUSKBN17L03R?il=0

--- "A political solution through U.N.-brokered negotiations is needed to resolve the conflict in Yemen, U.S. Defence Secretary Jim Mattis said on Tuesday as he made his first trip in the role to Saudi Arabia. At the same time, officials have said the United States is considering deepening its role in the Yemen conflict by more directly aiding its Gulf allies, who are fighting Iranian-supported Houthi rebels. At least 10,000 people have been killed and more than 3 million displaced in the war, now in its third year. Millions of people are also struggling to feed themselves..."It has gone on for a long time, we see Iranian supplied missiles being fired by the Houthis into Saudi Arabia and this is something, with the number of innocent people dying inside Yemen, it has simply got to be brought to an end," Mattis told reporters on his way to Riyadh. Seven ceasefires brokered between government and rebel forces by the United Nations have failed while U.N.-backed peace talks have repeatedly broken down. "We will work with our allies, with our partners to try to get it to the U.N.-brokered negotiating table," Mattis said. He gave no details on what additional support, if any, the United States would provide to the Saudi-led coalition. But he said he was looking to deepen and broaden the relationship between the two countries on the trip."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-mideast-mattis-idUSKBN17J1RA?il=0

--- "Two men arrested in Marseille on Tuesday planned an "imminent and violent attack" ahead of the first round of France's presidential election on Sunday, authorities said. "These two radicalized men ... intended to commit in the very short-term - by that I mean in the coming days - an attack on French soil," Interior Minister Matthias Fekl told a news conference. Paris Prosecutor Francois Molins said in a news conference that weapons, explosives, videos and jidhadist propaganda materials had been found in the flat rented by French nationals Clement Baur, 23, and Mahiedine Merabet, 30, since April 1. "A video intercepted on April 12 showed a machinegun placed on a table, with a daily newspaper from 13 March which had on its front page one of the presidential candidates. "This morning the investigators managed to locate the apartment," Molins said, without naming the candidate. France's internal intelligence agency had warned the main candidates of a threat, campaign officials said. Comments by officials indicated that former prime minister Francois Fillon, centrist Emmanuel Macron and far-right leader Marine Le Pen were among those alerted to the risk."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-europe-attacks-france-election-idUSKBN17K12L?il=0

--- "EU patrol vessels in the Mediterranean are putting lives at risk by operating too far from the Libyan coast where migrants are embarking on the perilous voyage to Europe, the head of a rescue charity said on Tuesday. Growing numbers of migrants are attempting the crossing in flimsy, overcrowded boats as the spring weather improves. Nearly 9,000, mostly Africans, were rescued over the long Easter weekend, U.N. aid agencies said. "Europe needs to rescue people because it cannot allow them to die at its own back door," said Chris Catrambone, an American businessman who co-founded the Migrant Offshore Aid Station (MOAS), with his Italian wife Regina in 2014. He was speaking by telephone from the MOAS rescue vessel Phoenix, which after a frantic weekend's activity was heading slowly toward Sicily with 463 migrants on board, including 170 women and children, and seven dead bodies recovered from the sea."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-europe-migrants-ngo-idUSKBN17K22R?il=0

--- "Polls closed after a mostly smooth vote on Wednesday in Jakarta's divisive election between a Muslim and a Christian candidate that stoked religious tensions in the capital of the world's third-largest democracy. Police said 15 people were detained following reports of disturbances at several polling stations in the city of 10 million people, after what the Jakarta Post this week dubbed "the dirtiest, most polarizing and most divisive" election campaign the nation had ever seen. "Political differences should not break our unity," President Joko Widodo said in a statement after casting his ballot at a central Jakarta polling station. "We are all brothers and sisters. Whoever is elected, we must accept." Opinion polls in the run-up to the election pointed to a dead-heat between the incumbent governor, Basuki "Ahok" Tjahaja Purnama – the city's first Christian and ethnic-Chinese leader – and a former education minister, Anies Baswedan, who like 85 percent of Jakarta's residents, is Muslim. Given Jakarta's outsized importance as both the nation's capital and commercial center, the election could be a barometer for the 2019 presidential election."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-indonesia-election-idUSKBN17K2HU?il=0

--- "A hundred unarmed South Sudanese refugees in east Congo took 13 United Nations mission staff hostage on Tuesday, demanding to be moved to a third country before later releasing them unharmed. They were among 530 people who have been living in the Munigi base, outside Goma, since fleeing South Sudan last August, U.N. Goma bureau head Daniel Ruiz told Reuters. Most are former fighters loyal to former vice president Riek Machar, who have clashed with President Salva Kiir's forces since July 2016. "The camp is quiet and under full control of MONUSCO (the peacekeeping mission)," U.N. peacekeeping spokeswoman Ismini Palla said at the United Nations. "All staff have returned safely to their homes. No casualties have been reported. The mission is investigating the incident.""

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-south-sudan-un-hostage-idUSKBN17K262?il=0

--- "Islamic State was responsible for an attack on a police checkpoint just outside Egypt's St. Catherine's Monastery in southern Sinai, the group's Amaq news agency said on Tuesday. The attack, which killed one police officer and injured four others, came just over a week after two deadly church bombings that killed 45 and were also claimed by Islamic State."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-egypt-violence-islamic-state-idUSKBN17K2M3?il=0

--- "Air strikes, thought to be by planes from a U.S.-led military coalition, killed at least 30 people in the eastern Syrian province of Deir al-Zor on Monday, including women and children, residents and activists said. Coalition spokesman U.S. Air Force Colonel John Dorrian confirmed that the U.S.-led coalition had conducted strikes in the vicinity of the town of al-Bukamal, but said he could not "confirm the veracity of allegations of civilian casualties". He told Reuters the coalition tried to avoid civilian deaths in its bombing campaign against Islamic State militants in Syria and neighboring Iraq. The border town has been a haven in recent years for thousands of displaced Syrians from Aleppo and from other areas, including Iraq, where its residents have strong tribal ties across the border."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-mideast-crisis-syria-strikes-idUSKBN17K0T0?il=0

--- "A Venezuelan court has ordered the continued detention of two young opposition activists who say they were tortured until they incriminated opposition leaders in a plot to destabilize the government of President Nicolas Maduro. Twin brothers Francisco Jose Sanchez and Francisco Alejandro Sanchez, age 22, were detained on Thursday by Venezuela's intelligence services amid a wave of anti-government unrest. During a broadcast on state television last week, Maduro showed pixelated videos of one of the brothers suggesting that the two young men were ordered by four opposition lawmakers from the Justice First party to wreak havoc across the city. The men's lawyers confirmed that they were in fact the people in the videos but said the confessions were obtained by coercion. "Francisco Alejandro spent three days handcuffed to a pipe," lawyer Joel Garcia told Reuters, adding that he was made to stand for three days. "He received psychological torture. They put his arms on his head, said that they would kill him, his family, that they would rape his girlfriend, kill his brother." The pair are accused of inciting violence, allegedly having been caught throwing rocks at the intelligence officials, though their defense and family say they were not protesting when arrested. They also note that prosecutors did not use the video evidence against them, insisting their detention is a political witch hunt."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-venezuela-politics-idUSKBN17K2EI?il=0

--- "British Prime Minister Theresa May called U.S. President Donald Trump, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and other European leaders after she asked parliament to agree to an early election on June 8, a spokesman said on Tuesday. "The PM made separate calls to President Trump, Chancellor (Angela) Merkel, President (Donald) Tusk of the European Council, President (Jean-Claude) Juncker of the European Commission and Taoiseach (Irish Prime Minister) Enda Kenny," the spokesman said in a statement."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-britain-eu-may-calls-idUSKBN17K2B8?il=0

--- "The number of people applying for asylum in Mexico has soared by more than 150 percent since Donald Trump was elected U.S. president, according to Mexican data, as more Central American migrants seek to stay rather than take their chances in the United States. Between November 2016 and March, Mexico's refugee agency, COMAR, received 5,421 asylum applications, up from 2,148 over the same period in 2015 and 2016. The number of detentions along the southwestern U.S. border has fallen about 4 percent over the same five-month period, as Trump's tough immigration proposals sent a chill through migrant communities. Just like the vast majority of Mexico's asylum applicants, many of those detained on the U.S. border come from the violent countries of Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-immigration-mexico-exclusive-idUSKBN17K2CE?il=0

Domestic & International News:

--- "U.S. Vice President Mike Pence on Tuesday put Japan on notice that Washington wants results "in the near future" from talks it hopes will open markets to U.S. goods, adding that the dialogue could lead to negotiations on a two-way trade deal..."Today we are beginning a process of economic dialogue, the end of which may result in bilateral trade negotiations in the future," Pence told a news conference with Deputy Prime Minister Taro Aso, his counterpart at Tuesday's talks...The comments dash the hopes of Japanese policymakers, who have said they want to avoid use of the economic dialogue as a forum to discuss a bilateral FTA that may put them under U.S. pressure to open up highly-protected areas like agriculture. They also echo those of U.S. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, who told reporters that Washington was eager to increase trade ties with Tokyo through a two-way pact...Aso in turn said U.S.-Japan trade friction, which soured ties in the 1980s and 1990s, was in the distant past and the allies were now entering an era of cooperation. "In the past, U.S.-Japan economic relations have started from friction, but we're entering a new area where we start from cooperation," he told the news conference. "Instead of one side telling the other what to do, I want to start debate on a relationship that is mutual and strategic." In a statement after the talks, the two sides said they had agreed the dialogue should produce "concrete results in the near term." They agreed to hold a second round of talks before the end of the year...Japan had a $69-billion trade surplus with the United States last year, the U.S. Treasury Department has said, expressing concern over what it called the "persistence" of the imbalance. Japanese officials counter that Tokyo accounts for a much smaller chunk of America's deficit than in the past, while China's imbalance is much bigger. Trump has complained Japan keeps its currency artificially low, although a Treasury Department report last week did not label Japan a currency manipulator. However, currencies did not figure in Tuesday's talks, a Japanese government official said."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-pence-asia-japan-idUSKBN17J1GI?il=0

--- "U.S. Vice President Mike Pence reassured Japan of American commitment to reining in North Korea's nuclear and missile ambitions on Tuesday, after warning that U.S. strikes in Syria and Afghanistan showed the strength of its resolve. Pence arrived in Tokyo from South Korea, where he assured leaders of an "iron-clad" alliance with the United States in the face of the reclusive North, which has conducted a series of missile and nuclear tests in defiance of U.N. sanctions. "The era of strategic patience is over and while all options are on the table, President (Donald) Trump is determined to work closely with Japan, with South Korea, with all our allies in the region and with China to achieve a peaceable resolution and the denuclearization of the Korean peninsula," Pence said in Tokyo before lunch with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Pence and Abe agreed that they needed to persuade China to play a larger role in dealing with North Korea, a Japanese government spokesman said."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-northkorea-usa-idUSKBN17K07A?il=0

--- "U.S. Vice President Mike Pence said on Wednesday that Washington would work with its allies and China to put economic and diplomatic pressure on North Korea but added that America would defeat any attack with an "overwhelming response". Pence arrived in Tokyo on Tuesday from South Korea and reassured Japan of U.S. commitment to reining in North Korea's nuclear and missile ambitions in a series of meetings with Japanese leaders, including Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Speaking aboard the USS Ronald Reagan, a Nimitz class aircraft carrier currently undergoing scheduled maintenance at its home port of Yokosuka, Pence said U.S. intentions remained unwavering in the face of the threat posed by the reclusive North, which has conducted a series of missile and nuclear tests in defiance of U.N. sanctions, most recently with a failed missile launch on Sunday."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-pence-asia-japan-idUSKBN17L066?il=0

--- "The Trump administration said on Tuesday it was launching an inter-agency review of whether the lifting of sanctions against Iran was in the United States' national security interests, while acknowledging that Tehran was complying with a deal to rein in its nuclear program. In a letter to U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan, the top Republican in Congress, on Tuesday U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said Iran remained compliant with the 2015 deal, but said there were concerns about its role as a state sponsor of terrorism. Under the deal, the State Department must notify Congress every 90 days on Iran's compliance under the so-called Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA). It is the first such notification under U.S. President Donald Trump."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-iran-nuclear-usa-tillerson-idUSKBN17L08I?il=0

 --- "The United States on Tuesday held what it dubbed a historic U.N. Security Council meeting on the link between rights abuses and conflict, but dropped a push for the broad issue to become a council fixture after at least six members opposed it. Diplomats said Russia, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, Kazakhstan and Bolivia were against the move and that the United States, council president for April, did not risk the measure being put to a rare procedural vote as Senegal's support was uncertain. Such a vote requires nine in favor, and vetoes by the United States, Britain, France, Russia and China cannot be used. The opposing council members say rights discussion should be confined to the Geneva-based Human Rights Council - which Washington accuses of being anti-Israel and has threatened to quit - and the 193-member U.N. General Assembly third committee. Egypt also voiced concern that some countries used human rights as a "back door" to undermine state sovereignty, citing Iraq and Libya as examples. Security Council discussions of human rights situations in specific countries, such as Syria, North Korea and Myanmar, are not new and most of the 16 U.N. peacekeeping missions include human rights mandates approved by the council."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-un-rights-idUSKBN17K2NG?il=0

Domestic News:

--- "The U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday appeared skeptical of widening the scope of who can be subject to a federal law targeting debt collectors' abusive practices by including those who buy debt, sometimes for pennies on the dollar. The justices heard oral arguments in a proposed consumer class action lawsuit against Santander Consumer USA Holdings Inc over allegations it violated the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act. A lower court had dismissed the case brought by four Maryland residents who had defaulted on car loans. That law typically applies to entities whose primary purpose is debt collection for others, not to lenders who give out and collect their own loans, such as banks or full-service finance companies. The justices, both liberal and conservative, appeared concerned that players in the debt collection industry could evade the law merely by buying the debt, but suggested that the statute is not as elastic as the plaintiffs in the case view it."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-court-debtcollection-idUSKBN17K23X?il=0

--- "Alabama Governor Kay Ivey on Tuesday moved up to December the election to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Jeff Sessions after he was named attorney general, saying that the original plan to hold the election in late 2018 was not soon enough to meet state law. Ivey last week replaced fellow Republican Robert Bentley as governor after he resigned amid impeachment proceedings in the legislature. Bentley had appointed Republican Luther Strange in February to fill the seat Sessions held before joining President Donald Trump's cabinet. Citing concerns about the cost of a special election, Bentley opted to wait until the 2018 general election for voters to elect Sessions' replacement. The state's new governor said Alabama law required a speedier timetable. The primary election will now be held on Aug. 15 and the general vote will be on Dec. 12, Ivey's office said. “I promised to steady our ship of state. This means following the law, which clearly states the people should vote for a replacement U.S. senator as soon as possible,” Ivey said in an emailed statement."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-alabama-politics-idUSKBN17K2A7?il=0

--- "A White House meeting that was to help determine whether the United States should withdraw from the Paris climate accord has been postponed, an administration official said on Tuesday. Some of President Donald Trump's top advisers, including Energy Secretary Rick Perry and Environmental Protection Agency head Scott Pruitt, were scheduled to meet on Tuesday to discuss how Trump should handle the 2015 climate deal. The meeting was canceled because "some of the principals are traveling today," the White House official said. The meeting will be rescheduled, but no date has been set, the official said. White House spokeswoman Sarah Sanders told reporters on Air Force One as Trump was returning from a visit to Wisconsin that the meeting "could be as soon as tomorrow, but I know that they're working on trying to find a time that works for everybody.""

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-climatechange-idUSKBN17K22L?il=0

--- "The U.S. Supreme Court, in a case with wide consequences for the policing of Wall Street, indicated on Tuesday it may diminish the Securities and Exchange Commission's ability to get back ill-gotten profits reaped through defendants' misconduct. In a case involving New Mexico-based investment adviser Charles Kokesh, the justices raised concerns about whether the SEC should be able to order defendants to fork over illegal profits that date back more than five years, as the agency argued it should be able to do. The court's conservative wing peppered the government during a one-hour argument with questions about the SEC's recovery remedy known as "disgorgement," how it is applied and whether it is actually a type of punishment that should be time-barred. Some of the liberal justices also questioned whether the SEC has the legal authority to force disgorgement of profits dating back more than five years. U.S. law applies a five-year statute of limitations to penalties, forfeitures and other punitive remedies sought in civil enforcement matters, a time bar that the Supreme Court upheld unanimously in its 2013 ruling in a case called Gabelli v. SEC. But the SEC argued that the statute of limitations did not apply to disgorgement."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-court-sec-idUSKBN17K0C9?il=0

--- "A Republican senator said on Tuesday he had written to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) raising questions about reports of "troubling conduct" by psychiatric hospital operator Universal Health Services Inc. The inquiry, by Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley, raises concerns about reports by BuzzFeed News of low nurse staffing, medication errors and sexual misconduct at UHS' Shadow Mountain facility in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Grassley said in his letter the reports showed a pattern of conduct by the hospital operator that "casts a dark cloud over UHS' ability to properly care for its patients and whether it is properly billing federal programs." Founded in 1979, Pennsylvania-based UHS operates more than 240 acute care hospitals, behavioral health facilities and ambulatory centers. Grassley has also sought a response from The Joint Commission, an accrediting organization, that reportedly designated the Shadow Mountain facility as a "Top Performer in Key Quality Measures" for the 2011-2015 period."

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-universal-health-idUSKBN17K2BF?il=0

[thewristsees-blog]

I am quickly approaching my twentieth birthday. One month and 3 days to be exact. Entering my twenties feels particularly daunting as I was certain it would take much longer to get to this point in my life. Regardless of my fear for its speed, the world tends to move at its most preferred rate; really fucking fast. 

I swear it was just yesterday when I asked my aunt what grade she was in.

“Grade 12,” she replied.

“There are TWELVE grades?”

At the age of 6, I could hardly wrap my head around getting to fifth grade, much less my senior year in high school. And now, here I am. 19 years old in my third year of college. I have yet to reach a point in which this feels normal. It feels as if once I finally accept my age, the calendar shoves me into the next number and I am back at square one. I have never been proficient at grasping the concept of age since it has always seemed fleeting to me. Yet, at times, I feel confined within these markers. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that it, indeed, is a useful tool to measure one’s individual time on this planet, which seems too short for my preference, and the accomplishments or failures that present themselves between each year of life.

When I learned the concept of death, truly laid down and thought about it, my eyes did not blink and my stomach began tying itself into knots. The idea of one day just dying, not just dying, but ceasing consciousness truly fucked me up. I was seven. I spent many nights contemplating this idea until my little body was exhausted by my geriatric concerns. It would be atypical for me to share these morbid thoughts to my peers, for I was very aware that my worries were too far-fetched for a second grade class, but the anxiety finally caught up to me at lunch time while eating my greasy chicken nuggets.

“I wish people didn’t die,” I tried to say this nonchalantly though inside I wanted to scream this at the entire cafeteria.

“Me too. I wish we could live forever.” While her response seemed genuine, I do wonder if she was as deeply concerned with the concept of dying as much as I was.

Eventually I was able to move pass this phase without any therapy and I continued to live my preteen to adolescent life. Around the age of 15, I became ill and fell behind school for months. I lost friends, my passions, and most importantly all of the things that made up my identity. This was my first big internal crisis. At this point in time, my identity was constituted by a reputation for music and liveliness. Yet as I was going through this trying period of my life, I no longer had either. By then I grew depressed and found myself making self-deprecating remarks in a light fashion. I remember casually telling my friend that I wanted to die every day as we walked to French class, and as you would think, I came to believe what I was preaching to myself every single day. 

It was a shame because in retrospect, I had a lot going on for me, even though I felt as if I was losing everything. I ended up finding cures to my ailments and began to find my health and my willingness to live again. 

There was one particular moment in which this pressure began to drum through my head. It was the night of my 15th birthday. I was, of course, nauseated all day from being ill, still unsure of what was causing my health problems, misunderstood my parents, in desperate need of sincere friends. Therefore I did not have such a happy birthday. I do not remember the goals I had selected for myself to accomplish by 15 but I do remember feeling as if I had not achieved as much as I should have. There were several varying factors that constructed the desperation I felt to end my life. 

Since then, birthdays have become a sensitive matter to me. I become anxious every year around this time because I am triggered by this memory. I stray from using the word haunted as opposed to triggered for I really do believe that much gratitude comes to me every time I am reminded of such dark times. 

I do wish I could say that this feeling has only ever occurred during my adolescence when the world seems utterly and entirely unfair, but this has unfortunately not been the case. When I graduated high school, I graduated with no direction. I had no intentions of pursuing a professional career, no desire to go to college. On top of this, I became emotionally enamored and attached to someone who was much too abusive to ever push for my success. I had such low self-esteem that I at one point considered sex work as a possible career. 

I had always been a good student, graduating with a 4.0 in 3 years. The evidence was undeniable but I somehow managed to let self-doubt and verbal put-downs frame my identity. The relationship I was in grew passionate, angry, and violent. Mostly from my end. I felt as though my feelings, my needs were never heard. At some point, I no longer knew how to express my frustration and it resulted in unusual behavior. Needless to say, it ended on a sour note and I left the relationship with a physical mess of broken... well, everything. 

I spent the next year grieving. Not the relationship but the girl I had lost during that year and a half. Fortunately for me, I learned to mask this sadness even better with my newfound love for makeup and seemingly careless attitude. I drank. A lot. More than I had ever within the first few months of the breakup. I wanted to forget the terrible things I did, reassuring myself that it was just a reaction of what was being done to me, but I could never convince myself that what I did was just. Because frankly, it was wrong regardless of what he did to me.

A reputation was being built for me without me realizing it. I only felt recognized for my appearance and the new person I was dating. I was still drowning in self-doubt, constantly trying to fit puzzles together in hopes of finding the girl I once was. I prided myself in my mind, my intellect, my creativity but the only acknowledgement I would receive was about the clothes I was wearing or the way I did my makeup. I remember hoping that I would someday be brave enough to take off the physical and metaphorical mask. 

The universe granted me my wish and after months of carelessness I was hit by another time frame of illness. This time, however, it was not subtle. I had broken out in swollen, cracking, bloody rashes all over my face and body. I bought every drug store product, I saw doctors for months on end and I was still stuck with this physical symptom of lack of self-care. Long story short, I became vegan and that helped with this ailment. 

What was most fulfilling was the process. It took me 8 months to resolve my health problems. Had I known back then that it would take this long, I may have become discouraged but I am so thankful I was led to this path. During these last few months, I have slowly but surely begun to find myself again. I have expanded my knowledge about food and plants in a way that feels beyond my years. I have learned to cook delicious, nutritious, vegan meals three times a day. I can finally, confidently, leave the house without makeup. I have found love in academics and confidence in pursuing a scholastic career beyond my undergraduate program. I am beginning to feel comfortable with sharing my art, music, writing once again. 

I feel that people can see me again. The girl that is passionate about health, righteous living, the constant feeding of knowledge, and the desire to make every day worth living. If you have made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my story. While I value my privacy, I cherish the connections we make as human beings and hope that my transparency can remind someone that while life is absolutely trying at times, the adversities you face will never go in vain. 

-T